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Next Wave of Leadership
Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 1 PERSONAL GROWTH FOR WOMEN Winter 2007 ALANIS PROTECTS THE PLANET NATURAL HORMONE BALANCE GET ORGANIZED FOR VACATION MAKE YOUR PAYCHECK GROW! HEALTH • WEALTH • HAPPINESS Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 2 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 3 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 4 Meet the Editors FOUNDER & PUBLISHER Susie Levan publisher@balancemagazine.com Melinda Lee Editor-at-Large VP-Community Liaison of BankAtlantic Foundation, Creator and Founder of Spoga® International , a registered Yoga Instructor, national speaker, writer and author. melinda@ balancemagazine.com Traci Martineau Editor-in-Chief and Copy Editor Liz Sterling Southeast Feature Editor Linda Sivertsen West Coast Feature Editor President of MartinKnows Editing, freelance editor of fiction and non-fiction works and business presentations. Host and producer of InnerViews Radio Show, Founder of LifeWorks Enrichment Center, faculty member Omega Institute and columnist for the Sun-Sentinel. Award winning author of “Lives Charmed: intimate Conversations with Extraordinary People”. She’s been featured on CNN, Leeza, Extra, E!, Star and New York Post. traci@ balancemagazine.com liz@ balancemagazine.com linda@ balancemagazine.com EDITOR-IN-CHIEF & COPY EDITOR Traci Martineau traci@balancemagazine.com EDITOR-AT-LARGE Melinda Lee melinda@balancemagazine.com EDITORIAL West Coast Feature Editor — Linda Sivertsen Southeast Feature Editor — Liz Sterling Travel Editor — Donna Mantone-Adinolfi PMS Profile Editors — Sarah "SJ" Strock and Linda Firestone Associate/Product Editor — Erica Braun ADVERTISING Donna Mantone-Adinolfi Travel Editor Sarah “SJ” Strock PMS Profile Editor Linda A. Firestone, Ph.D. PMS Profile Editor 20 years experience as a travel consultant, manager and marketing director. She is a freelance writer and organizes spa vacations. Freelance writer, poet and commercial copy writer, after 20 years as a direct marketer, is now a full time writer. Published author, President of The Write Connections professional writing service and workshop facilitator on Creativity. donna@ balancemagazine.com sarah@ balancemagazine.com lindaa@ balancemagazine.com Erica Braun Associate/Product Editor 1998 Telly Award Winner, has 25 years experience as photo journalist for newspapers and magazines. TV producer, director and writer for various shows. erica@ balancemagazine.com Business Development Manager — Renay Green Bailenson 954-588-8065 EDITORIAL SUBMISSIONS go to www.balancemagazine.com DESIGN & PRODUCTION CityStreetz Graphics WEB MASTER Teklock Technologies, Inc. CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Bari Auerbach, Regina Barr, Adriane G. Berg Jacqui Brandwynne, Brooke de Lench Michael Edesess, Betsy Fein, Carol Gee, Brian Gleason, Cheryl Grace Jerry King, Lynn Lafferty, Peter C. Leighton Stephanie Marston, Mare Petras, Jerry Pujals Susyn Reeve, Jeffrey Rosensweig Angela Rossmanith, Dana Rowett Donna Spangler, Pam Swensen Volume 8, Number 3, Balance Magazine is a lifestyle magazine for women interested in personal growth and work-life balance. It is published 4 times a year by The Work-Life Balance Institute For Women, Inc. Copyright© 2007. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited. Printed in the USA. The opinions expressed by the authors and advertisers of Balance Magazine are not necessarily those of the publisher. Balance Magazine and those in its employ are in no way responsible for situations arising from the application or participation in anything said, written or advertised in this publication. The Work-Life Balance Institute For Women, Inc. A 501(c)(3) not-for profit corporation Founder and Board Chairwoman – Susie Levan POSTMASTER Send address changes to: Balance Magazine P.O. Box 8608 Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33310-8608 Phone: 954-382-4325 Fax: 954-382-4463 www.balancemagazine.com 4 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 5 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 6 FOUNDING BOARD OF DIRECTORS Rita Case Rick Case Automotive Group COO Jesus Diaz, Jr. Former President and Publisher Miami Herald Publishing Company Susie Levan Balance Magazine Founder and Publisher Robin Levinson Levinson Jewelers President Ruchel Louis Successful Images President Sue Romanos CAREERXCHANGE President & CEO Julie Silver Boardroom Communications President Leslee Shooster Festival Marketplace Executive Marketing Director Bruce Turkel TURKEL CEO/Executive Creative Director Lynne Wines Ret. CEO/Lending Colonial Bank The Work-Life Balance Institute for Women is a 501c3 not-for-profit whose mission is “helping women find balance” …personally and professionally. We define Work-Life Balance as effectively juggling and balancing work responsibilities, business demands and personal life. The Institute publishes Balance Magazine and www.balancemagazine.com. It raises awareness, informs, educates, inspires and empowers each woman seeking to balance work, family, love and time for herself. We produce products and opportunities that provide a positive outcome and impact in her work life, her personal life and in her community. The Institute also currently produces thirteen times a year, Power Networking Luncheons for businesswomen in Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties, and the Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference where Balance Magazine comes to life with keynotes, authors and experts speaking on work-life balance topics and issues. 6 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 7 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 8 CONTENTS Summer 2007—Volume 8 Number 3 Wealth 30 Make Your Paycheck Grow Hang on to More of Your Money By Michael Edesess 36 The Next Wave of Leadership Leading When You Are NOT the Boss By Regina Barr 40 Be a Top Producer Create Balance in Your Work and Life By Jerry Pujals 44 Teeing Up for Business Spotlight How Golf Can Get You in the Game By Pam Swensen 32 Alanis Morissette Happiness Saving the World; from Angst to Detachment 52 Find Your Prince By Linda Sivertsen What to Look Out for when Dating 38 Mona Lisa Schulz By Donna Spangler Connect with Your Unique Genius 54 Get Organized for Vacation and Beyond By Liz Sterling Health Make a Smoother Landing into Reality after Vacation By Betsy Fein 18 Body/Energy Work 56 Change Your Words, Change Your Life The Best Kept Secret in Psychotherapy By Brian Gleason Language and the Pursuit of Happiness 20 Age Smart By Jill H. Lawrence Strive for Balance in Your Life 68 Break That Habit! By Jeffrey Rosensweig, Ph.D & Carol Gee, M.A. Your Habits Shape Who You Are Today 22 Natural Hormone Balance By Angela Rossmanith Correct the Imbalance that Plagues Women By Lynn Lafferty, Pharm.D., MBA 24 Palliative Care What is it and How Do Loved Ones Assess Criterion? By Peter C. Leighton, M.S. Ed. 8 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 9 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 10 ESSENTIALS In Every Issue 15 Tap the Power Balance Magazine Events 26 Health in Balance Sexuality After Cancer By Dana Rowett 28 Product Profiles Products for Health and Wellness 60 Everyday Rituals By Erica Braun Acknowledging Accomplishments 42 On the Money By Susyn Reeve Legacy or Lunacy 62 Relation-Tips By Adriane G. Berg Reclaim Family Time 46 Keep It Simple Sweetie By Brooke de Lench Just Breathe 64 EarthTalk By Mare Petras 66 Readers' Choice 48 Partnering/Mentoring/Service Health•Wealth•Happiness Women Making A Difference By Linda Firestone and SJ Strock 70 Very Private 58 Time Out Go with the Heart By Jacqui Brandwynne Summer Retreats By Donna Mantone Adinolfi 72 Real Life Single in the City By Bari Auerbach 74 Reflections Get Your Priorities Straight By Stephanie Marston 76 Heart & Soul Make Room for a Happy Environment By Cheryl Grace 78 Inspiration Perceptions Author Unknown 80 The Mailbox What Our Readers Have To Say 81 Web Directory Our Advertisers ALANIS MORISSETTE COVER PHOTO WIRE IMAGE PHOTOGRAPHER Tim Whitby, PAGE 8, 34 COURTESY OF Direct Management PAGE 35 COURTESY OF ©Stonehaven CCS TAP THE POWER: PAGE 15 COURTESY OF Downtown Photo TIME OUT - PAGE 58-59 COURTESY OF Sea Island Spa , SAVANNAH, GA PUBLISHER'S LETTER - PAGE 12 COURTESY OF Tiffany Photography 10 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 11 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 12 from the publisher Transformations and Connections! If you attended with the other 1,200 other amazing women, the April 12th, 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference For Businesswomen held at the Signature Grand in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, then you know it was a monumental and fun day filled with education, transformations and connections. All of us spent a chock-full day learning ways to find our purpose and passion, how to unleash our genius and intuition and how to transform our work and life for the better with vigor and vitality. There’s nothing like a ballroom filled with fired-up women who are excited, ready to jump into the next phase of their work-life with energy and excitement! It was so wonderful to experience first-hand, how women of diverse careers, backgrounds and a variety of interests, were able to find inspiration and common ground. I was also sincerely proud and personally touched by our five marvelous scholarship recipients (Yonela Carusi, Cathy Crosslin, Wendy Fanelli, Erin McNamee and Cassandra Sanz) with their hopes, dreams, visions and the challenges of “balance” that they live with each and every day. In addition, we were all so privileged to see and hear, first-hand, the exceptional lineup of Keynote Speakers and Panel Members, share their vision and commitment, inspiring all of us to being true to our personal dreams while juggling multiple responsibilities. As businesswomen, we heard in many different ways, it’s all about determining your own destination, optimizing your knowledge, your network, attitude and tenacity. The feedback and response to our conference has just been extraordinary. Hundreds of letters and emails have poured in telling us about how the excellent educational information, resources, sage advice, hundreds of breakthrough strategies on career, health, wealth, personal life and networking connections, have truly made a difference. It’s what we call…“take-home value”! We are so grateful for your feedback. It helps us get to the next level in designing, creating and putting on the best work-life educational conference annually. As a 501(c) (3) not-for-profit organization, The Work-Life Balance Institute For Women could not have put this staggering event on without the help of our community-minded Board of Directors, Corporate Partners, Sponsors and Executive Committee. I would like to personally thank all of them again and again for their trust in us and their continued support! Until our 2008 conference, be sure to attend the bi-monthly Balance Power Networking Luncheons. All of our tricounty dates can be found on page 14. Be part of a dynamic atmosphere for businesswomen to support one another with a distinct networking process and information exchange. Register early as they always sell out! For registration, sponsorship and display information, log on to http://www.balancemagazine.com/events.html or call Erica at (954) 382-4325. All the best! Susie Levan Founder, Publisher, CEO and Board Chairwoman publisher@balancemagazine.com 12 Summer07 6/14/07 11:32 AM Page 13 All proceeds benefitted The Work-Life Balance Institute for Women. A 501 (C) (3) Non-profit corporation. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM 2 0 0 7 Page 14 P o w e r Miami-Dade County N e t w o r k i n g ™ D a t e s Bankers Club One Biscayne Tower 2 S. Biscayne Boulevard 14th Floor Miami Broward County Tower Club Regions Bank Building One Financial Plaza 28th Floor Ft. Lauderdale Palm Beach County Governors Club Phillips Point Building 777 S. Flagler Drive Top Floor West Palm Beach Wednesday February 14 June 13 August 8 October 10 No December Meeting Wednesday February 21 June 20 August 15 October 17 December 5 Wednesday February 28 June 27 August 22 October 24 No December Meeting Take Your Business to a New Level! REGISTRATION IS NOW FULLY AUTOMATED!!!! REGISTER ON-LINE AT www.balancemagazine.com/ powernetworking.html Time: YOUR Premier Resource for Inspiring, Empowering and Connecting Women Bring a Raffle Item to donate & get a Free Raffle Ticket! 11:30 AM – 1:30 PM Doors open at 11 AM for informal networking. Event begins promptly at 11:30 AM!!!! For information on exhibit tables to display your products and services, contact Erica Braun at (954) 382-4325 or Proceeds benefit The Work-Life Balance Institute for Women, Inc.™ email at erica@balancemagazine.com Seating is limited and we always sell out!!! Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 15 events tap the power BALANCE MAGAZINE EVENTS POWER NETWORKING™ LUNCHEONS See Page 14 for 2007 Dates We are now in all three counties!!!! 2nd Wednesday every other month—Bankers Club in Miami-Dade 3rd Wednesday every other month—Tower Club in Ft. Lauderdale 4th Wednesday every other month—Governors Club in West Palm Beach We begin promptly at 11:30 AM and end at 1:30 PM Discover the keys to success. Take charge of your personal and professional life. Tap the power of women in an intimate and professional atmosphere during the 2-hour luncheon. Gain knowledge of new strategies, ideas, information sharing and expertise. Cultivate new business relationships, strategic alliances and friendships. Join this interactive, experiential and exciting event...it's guaranteed to be high energy, stimulating and very rewarding. Space is limited and we always sell out early!!! Register today on line at www.balancemagazine.com/events.html For a display table only, call Erica at (954) 382-4325 or email at erica@balancemagazine.com L-R—Donna Stoner of MetroPCS, Kip Hunter Epstein of Levinson Jewelers, Karla Nickell – the lucky raffle winner of the $5,000 Barry Kronen design 18k Rose Gold, Pink Sapphire and Diamond Necklace donated by Levinson Jewelers with Susie Levan at the 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference For Businesswomen. L-R—Dave Dawson of Nova Southeastern University, Susie Levan, Leon Garza of MetroPCS and Bruce Turkel – Board Member of the WorkLife Balance Institute For Women at the May 1st VIP Sponsor Wrap Party at Susie Levan’s home. 15 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 16 L-R—Back Row: Belinda Keiser, Laura Raybin Miller, Sue Romanos, Debi Davis, Susan Towler and Beverly Raphael Panel Members of the 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference For Business Women. Front Row: Mistress of Ceremonies - Kristi Krueger, Susie Levan and Panel Moderator - Cindy Krischer Goodman. L-R—Donna Stoner of MetroPCS, Keynote Speaker-Rikki Klieman, Pam Heikkinen of MetroPCS, Susie Levan and Keynote Speaker Susan Wilson Solovic at the April 11th, preconference VIP Meet and Greet Cocktail/Dinner Party for Corporate Partners of The Work-Life Balance Institute For Women. L-R—Back Row: Maria Soldani, Scholarship Committee Judge and Susie Levan Front Row: Recipients of the Balance Foundation Inaugural Scholarships given at the 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference for Businesswomen on April 12th . Cassandra Sanz, Erin McNamee, Wendy Fanelli, Cathy Crosslin and Yonela Carusi. 16 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 17 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 18 H E A LT H Enter most psychotherapy waiting rooms and you will be bombarded with the sounds of silence. Conventional talk therapy is characterized by its calm, at times almost sedate nature. But, perhaps the best-kept body/energy work The Best-Kept Secret in Psychotherapy secret in the counseling field is what is called energy or body psychotherapy. If By Brian Gleason you ask an energy therapist or a client of one to describe what the work feels like, you will hear such words as lively, engaging, energizing, exciting, transforming, fast-paced and even fun. Meanwhile, those counselors and therapists who have been practicing straight talk therapy for a long time often attest to how stifling the work feels, and how slow the pace of progress seems. Over time, client breakthroughs in traditional talk therapy can seem too few and far apart. Using the Body and Mind Body or energy psychotherapy differs from talk therapy in one fundamental way: It uses the whole body—not just talking—as a vehicle to unlock emotional blocks, and to achieve awareness and selfdiscovery. The energy psychotherapist transcends the distinction between mind and body, working with clients from a “mind in body” philosophy. The body is seen as housing abundant unconscious material that becomes more readily accessible through “energy work.” Or, to put it more simply, the body holds clues to our history that aren’t easily revealed through talking alone, but can be accessed—often very quickly—through movement, sounds, exaggerated expressions and so on. By viewing the body as fertile ground for their work, energy therapists are bringing emotions back into the treatment room. What makes the work so stimulating is the ability to utilize a wide range of new interventions that incorporate the body and its emotional repertoire. The tilt toward cognitive-behavioral approaches in recent years has left many therapists feeling as if their work doesn’t fulfill them. For the therapist who has been practicing conventional talk therapy for years, the lament is often heard that “Something is missing in my work,” or “I can only seem to take my clients so far.” Incorporating energy psychotherapy principles and techniques seems to infuse new life into stagnant practices. Energy therapists recognize that each session is rife with potential to bring the client to deeper levels of self-awareness, compassion and expression of authenticity. Core Energetics: An Engaging Approach One branch of this new model, called Core Energetics, is beginning to create a presence in southern California. Core Energetics evolved from the groundbreaking work of psychoanalysis pioneer Wilhelm Reich. Two of Reich’s students, Alexander Lowen, MD, and John Pierrakos, MD, went on to develop bioenergetics, and later Dr. Pierrakos created the Core Energetics model. What is striking about the Core Energetics approach is how dynamic, and indeed lively, psychotherapy can be. In this work, many of the parameters of traditional therapy are stretched. For example, the therapist may shift from being quiet and receptive to challenging and evocative. Clients may be prompted to move their bodies in ways that allow them to open up to grief, anger, empowerment, pleasure, compassion, or a host of other possibilities. In a Core Energetics session, 18 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 19 evaporates. Core therapists believe that the mind-in-body will take care of itself if it is allowed to express what it needs to feel. the therapist may be making deep eye contact while encouraging the client to face her fear, to really move into it, under the firm and supportive presence of the therapist. What makes this work so engaging is the active and intentional support of these vibrant emotions. While other branches of psychotherapy tend to shy away from free emotional expression, Core Energetics is committed to the open movement of energy in the form of emotions. In a session, clients may be encouraged to move about the room, and to work with equipment such as giant foam cubes, “rollers,” mirrors, mats and other props in order to connect to disowned parts of themselves. Through physical movement, breathing, exaggeration of gestures, working with sound, actively expressing transference and support for consciously connecting to regressed “young” places where feelings may have become blocked, the client is highly engaged in the process. While respectful of boundaries, Core therapists believe that, on the whole, more people are harmed by lack of touch than from inappropriate touch. Thus, there is apt to be caring and purposeful use of touch in session. Touch can convey many messages, and when a client has been deprived, abused, or manipulated with touch, healing can occur with sensitive contact from the therapist. Or, the client might resist taking responsibility for his unhappiness. Instead of just talking about the resistance, the Core therapist will encourage him to fully express all his resistance to change, imploring him, for instance, to shout: “I won’t grow up!” or “I’ll never give you the satisfaction!” The therapist prompts the client to express such normally surreptitious sentiments loudly and robustly. From an energy perspective, the goal is for the client to release the physiological armoring (the psychosomatic resistance to feeling what he steadfastly avoids in everyday life) in order to open up to the positive life energy hiding behind his resistance. Or, the Core therapist may utilize music strategically to invite the client into an emotional experience that appears to be ready to emerge. As an illustration, the client who has long hated her father may be close to connecting to her grief over his unavailability. The well-timed use of a song can serve as the impetus to bring the grief to the surface. Allowing Emotional Energy to Emerge In Core Energetics, clients are challenged to take risks. It can be extraordinarily liberating, for instance, for a client to express competitiveness, seduction, selfishness, or even cruelty. Equally, to reveal tenderness, longing, humor, or musical or artistic talent. The therapist believes that each client has inherent strengths, or core qualities, that will support her in breaking free of the shackles of her self-imposed limits. Hence, the work tends to be more inspirational and exciting for both therapist and clients. In Core Energetics, the therapist is just as concerned with what is happening from the neck down. The body is a vital source of information for both therapist and client. Growth doesn’t only occur from cognitive shifts, but from the body’s innate capacity as a “self-regulating organism.” Emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness are crucial aspects of self-regulation. Thus, in Core Energetics, clients learn how to release long-held emotions so that inner balance and harmony are restored. When the body suppresses normal, self-regulating emotions, it cannot function optimally. Without anger, there is a concomitant loss of passion. Without hurt, there’s no empathy. Without fear, the capacity for nurturance Brian Gleason, CSW, is a senior faculty member of Core Energetics East and facilitates training workshops for professionals in body-oriented psychotherapy. He is author of Mortal Spirit: A Theory of Spiritual-Somatic Evolution. 19 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 20 H E A LT H Determine what brings you joy. This might require spending some time alone to do some soul-searching. Begin by asking yourself such questions as: what do I like to do? What gives my life meaning? Or what feeds my passion? age smart Life is not always fair or rosy Loosely quoting James Taylor, “we have all seen fire, and seen rain. We have all seen sunny days that we thought would never end. We have all had lonely times when we could not find a friend,” or have faced factors beyond our control. This is called life. However, research has shown that people with positive attitudes tend to bounce back quickly from adversity. Let’s face it, staying positive is no easy task. It’s a choice that we must make daily. Thus it takes practice. Tell yourself that you are not going to let stumbling blocks or setbacks get you down. Say it and mean it! Repeat as often as necessary. Strive for Balance in Your Life By Jeffrey A. Rosensweig, Ph.D. and Carol Gee, M.A. Aging well goes way beyond maintaining physical health or financial wellbeing. Other crucial dimensions include finding balance in our lives, possessing intellectual agility, having a positive attitude, seeking a spiritual connection and discovering one’s passion or purpose for living. In doing research for Age Smart, we discovered that in order to live long, happy and healthy lives, it is important to focus on all of these dimensions, as well as how they interconnect. Studies also show that roughly 95 percent of Americans believe in some higher power. Enjoying a rich spiritual life gives one remarkable strength as well as balance. Multiple studies have shown that individuals who follow some type of religious or spiritual quest, however they define it, are healthier across the board than those who do not. These individuals get sick less often and/or visit their doctors less often. Individuals with a spiritual connection also tend to be more tolerant of others. Some even believe that having some sort of spiritual connection increases one’s lifespan. Just do it! What does finding balance mean? In truth, finding balance or the concept of feeling whole and complete, is a mindset. Our lives are comprised of such vital areas as our health, our families, our finances, our spiritual health, our personal growth and, of course, our personal relationships. Living a balanced life is about integrating all these components to create a sense of harmony. Establishing balance also means realizing that sometimes you need to make choices about what is essential to maintaining your own quality of life. Spend too much time or too little on one or more of these elements and something is bound to suffer. The following suggestions by no means ensure that we find balance or guarantee our longevity, however studies show that individuals who embrace many of these characteristics enjoy longer and more vibrant lifestyles. Prioritize. Start by eliminating things from your life that aren’t important to you. Decide what is important to you and don’t be afraid to say “no” to everything else. When your life is overscheduled or overcommitted, there’s little space or time for what truly matters. In addition, there is little room for positive energy or personal growth. Try to establish a daily routine. Structure each day to take advantage of your peak performance times as well as well as allow for healthy time-outs. Use these time- outs to meditate, perhaps read a book, eat a healthy meal or snack, or do some form of exercise. Flex your mental acuity. Keep your mind sharp by reading something daily. Learn to play an instrument; perhaps the violin or piano. Master a foreign language; say, Chinese or Spanish. While Chinese is difficult, today’s world economy is now and will increasingly remain focused on China. The ability to speak Spanish also continues to prove invaluable as the U.S. population leans toward a 20% Hispanic market share. Simply put: make lifelong habits of curiosity and the thirst for knowledge and learning. 20 Have you always longed to travel to ports far and wide? Or perhaps you have always wanted to write a book, or learn to paint. Then just do it! Start with baby steps: begin by listening to your own heart instead of the advice of loved ones and friends. No matter how much others love us, they often can’t see beyond our current reality. Listening to your own heart allows you to see opportunities that you may have been blind to before. Finally, stop thinking that you are what you do! Truly, this is the beginning of wisdom. Having a dream and committing to following it adds sparkle and zest to our lives. Someone once said, “When we honor our dreams, our passions, we honor the best of our souls.” So age smart! Strive for balance and live the life you deserve. Jeffrey Rosensweig, Ph.D, is director of The Global Perspectives Program and a professor of finance at Goizueta Business School at Emory University. He is the author of Winning the Global Game and Age Smart-Discovering the Fountain of Youth at Midlife and Beyond. Carol Gee, MA, is an editor in the Organization and Management area at Goizueta Business School at Emory. She is also an educator, freelance writer and author of two fun women's books, The Venus Chronicles and Diary of a 'Flygirl' Wannabe (Life Lessons of a Cool Girl in Training). Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 21 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 22 H E A LT H natural hormone balance Correct the imbalance that plagues women for life Lynn Lafferty, Pharm.D., MBA Sammi, 14, cannot go to school because of severe cramps. She is very emotional and fights with everyone. Monique is 34 and she and her husband have wanted a baby for 5 years. After 3 miscarriages she is very discouraged. Beth, 40, has taken birth control pills for the last 20 years and decided it was time to get pregnant. After 2 years of trying and $50,000 in fertility treatments, there is still no success. Jane is 53, a wife and mother. She was just diagnosed with osteoporosis. She is tired, goes from hot to cold, is depressed and cannot sleep. Her husband has tried to be understanding and wonders where the woman he married is. 22 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 23 What do these women all have in common? Although they are in different stages of their lives, they all have hormonal imbalances, and are patients of Bob Fishman, Pharmacist, Clinical Nutritionist, and world renowned hormone specialist. He has worked with over 3,000 women helping them with infertility issues, peri-menopause, menopause and many diseases like endometriosis and cancer. He recommends a simple plan including exercise, diet changes, herbs, nutritionals and bio-identical or natural hormones. No two women are alike “What is interesting about women’s cycles is that no two women are alike, yet when they get treated, they usually all get treated alike,” states Fishman. He examines a 28- or 37-day test, which gives him an overview of what a woman’s hormones are doing throughout her cycle. For the last 50 years doctors have turned to synthetic (chemically altered and produced) hormones found in birth control pills to regulate women’s hormones. But now the most recent evidence has found the dangers of taking these products may not be worth the risk. “Even women who have had hysterectomies or have gone through menopause still have cycles. The key is to see which hormones are deficient and which hormones are in excess and correct the imbalance. Balancing progesterone for example, may correct the problems of infertility or miscarriages, along with many other diseases women face,” declares the hormone specialist. What Can Women Do to Be in Balance? 1. Put themselves first when it comes to health. When women are healthy, everyone who needs them benefits. 2. Walk, garden or relax in the sun for 20 minutes. This produces vitamin D for immunity and bone health and melatonin for sleep. Hormones are responsible for thousands of chemical reactions in the body—temperature regulation, weight, water retention, immunity, reproduction and even the shape of your body. Our bodies are filled with hormones, and not just the hormones we associate with our sexual functioning. Insulin carries glucose into cells to keep us alive, melatonin helps put us to sleep, thyroid facilitates our metabolism, HGH (Human Growth Hormone) stimulates growth and provides vitality, testosterone builds muscle and is responsible for libido, progesterone builds bone and estrogen causes ovulation and supple skin. 3. Get plenty of sleep. Cortisol from not sleeping and stress promote weight gain and depression. 4. Eat organic green vegetables and drink organic fresh squeezed juices which contain natural plant sterols. Broccoli and other cruciferous vegetables are particularly helpful in balancing estrogen. 5. Cook in glass or stainless steel. Plastic can have an “estrogenic effect” on the body. Reasons for Imbalance 6. Increase exercise, which increases DHEA and other important hormones. Stress, aging, exposure to pesticides, man-made chemicals, too much or too little exercise, steroids in food, or improper nutrition can all affect the delicate balance of hormones. When the hormones return to balance, the organs and tissues can return to their proper functioning. 7. Increase weight-training exercises to help build bone mass and stimulate Human Growth Hormone that keeps us young with a positive attitude. 8. Take time to do yoga, meditation and other relaxation exercises which stimulate hormone functions, decrease anxiety and balance brain chemicals. Recent studies show that sex steroids also exert a significant effect on brain functioning. Intense hormonal fluctuations have been associated with premenstrual anxiety and peri-menopausal depression. Most women over 35 who have signs of depression are usually put on antidepressive drugs like SSRI’s while a possible hormone imbalance may be overlooked. 9. Read books on hormone balance by Johnathan Wright, MD, Uzzi Reiss, MD, or others. 10. Get saliva tested for hormone levels over a period of a month. This test examines your total cycle and is more relevant than a blood test. Diet is strongly connected with our hormones. Plants contain sterols which are precursors and activators of our hormones. Women from Japan who eat predominately plant-based diets have fewer menopause symptoms than women in the U.S. Eating organic food that does not have pesticides and hormones is important too. Plastics, drugs like marijuana, meat and milk that contain synthetic hormones can all have a detrimental effect on hormones and stimulate estrogen. 11. Go to a health care practioner who has a long history with hormone balancing. It is a very intricate science. 12. Take a good vitamin made from natural ingredients with antioxidants for food cell function, bone health and hundreds of other body functions. 13. Have fun and laugh. This simple and enjoyable part of life decreases the stress chemicals and helps build the immune system. As we age our hormones decrease: at 25, our human growth hormone decreases, at 35 progesterone decreases. As progesterone decreases, women begin to get uterine fibroids, endometriosis and ovarian cysts. Peri-menopause may bring on weight gain, tiredness and fatigue, difficulty sleeping and anxiety. Then at 50, estrogen, DHEA and pregnegalone sharply decline. Women experience hot flashes, night sweats, may not be able to sleep and feel depressed. Men also have a decrease of hormones as well and go through andropause. The bottom line is there are alternatives to the dangerous synthetic hormones that have been prescribed for decades. There always have been. It is up to us to be proactive and seek the solutions that have been around for centuries. Lynn Lafferty, Pharm.D., MBA is a hormone and nutritional counselor. She is author of A Pharmacist’s Secret Cures: You May Never Have to Take a Prescription Drug Again(2008). 23 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 24 H E A LT H What Is Palliative Care? Palliative care is comprehensive, specialized care provided by an interdisciplinary team to aging elderly and their families living with a life-threatening or severe advanced illness expected to progress toward dying and where care is particularly focused on alleviating suffering and promoting quality of life. Major concerns are pain and symptom management, information sharing and advance care planning, advanced directives, psychosocial and spiritual support and coordination of care. In the year before 85-year-old Jack Klein succumbed to congestive heart failure, he was hospitalized at least six times. After each hospitalization, he became more frail and dependent. Yet just days before he died, Klein underwent brain surgery following a stroke, an operation his daughter now says was a “big mistake” and one the doctor never should have suggested. “He never should have had surgery,” says Faith Yoblon, age 47, his caregiver. In fact, Klein’s doctor was so focused on extending his life that he never mentioned that Klein was dying, a fact that still rattles his family. “I knew he was not going to live a long time but I did not know death was imminent.” If she had known, she says she definitely would have opposed the last-minute surgery. When Klein’s wife, Gertrude, 84, was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor just months after his death, Mrs. Klein took the opposite route: no surgery, no life-prolonging treatment. Instead, Mrs. Klein spent her last months receiving palliative or comfort care, dying under the watchful eyes of her daughter, as well as a Hospice caregiver and a personal care assistant. “Surgery may have prolonged her life by a couple of years, but they would not have been good years. She decided to trade one-and-a-half bad years for six good positive months,” says Yoblon. “We let her go peacefully.” Outlook On “Passing” Must Change As the U.S. population continues to age and baby boomers become caregivers—or in some cases the cared for; the standard of care at the end of life is undergoing rampant conversation. Nowhere is this change more obvious than in long term care, especially in assisted living communities and nursing homes. By 2008, 16 million Americans will need some type of assistance with long term care facilities. According to Davina Porock, Professor, University of Missouri, “Twenty-three percent of all deaths in the U.S. occur in nursing homes or assisted living facilities.” Most of those deaths are not the definitive terminal death associated with cancer, adds June Lunney M.D., National Institute on Aging and Nursing Research. “In many cases, these deaths are not a surprise but they are not predicted.” This unpredictability often leaves many elder residents on a trajectory of cure when comfort measures may be more appropriate. One does not have to look far to know that these discussions are growing. During February 2007 NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, Tim Russert and the peer reporting team took each night to highlight “caring for their parents.” Assisted Living was at the forefront of the news. How can caregivers determine when a senior is near the end of life and what type of care should be provided when an individual reaches that point? One “standard of care” gaining momentum nationwide is Palliative care, which focuses on pain management, comfort care and offers psychosocial, spiritual and physical care at palliative care What Is It and How Do Loved Ones Assess Criterion? We continue to be By Peter C. Leighton, M.S. Ed. a death denying culture and that is where we need to make some changes. 24 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 25 the end of life. However, before palliative endof-life care can be provided, the search for a cure must be abandoned—a troubling decision. We are such a medical cure-based society, that we tend to ignore the evolutionary process of aging with natural death as a given outcome. Judy Peres, Last Acts Partnership, says, “We continue to be a death denying culture and that is where we need to make some changes. Living while dying embraces the natural life cycle and we need to be better at recognizing where the lines are crossed and where cure is futile.” Criteria To Look For Cherry Meier, National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, has developed a set of questions that can guide family members toward that discovery. Ask the primary physician the following questions: • Is your loved one experiencing irreversible decline or decline unresponsive to treatment? • Does your loved one have an advanced directive indicating that he or she does not desire life-prolonging measures? • Has your loved one’s responsible decisionmaker indicated a desire for comfort rather than curative care? • Has your loved one been diagnosed with a terminal or life-limiting illness? “The idea is if the answer to any of these questions is affirmative, then perhaps a palliative/comfort care is appropriate. In the meantime, signs for family members include steady decline in areas such as weight, hydration and range of motion and residents exhibiting loss of activities of daily living or little or no activity or becoming bedfast. These changes occur in just about every human at the end of life,” Meier says. Other triggers may include pressure ulcers, bladder or bowel incontinence or use of an indwelling catheter. At Lakeview Village Health Center in Kansas, “Staff review a “trigger form” that includes things staff would see when someone is entering into the end-of-life stage,” says Barbara Frank, Director. It includes observable markers of deterioration such as resident is less active, increase in asneeded medications, patient is retaining more fluid, family is noticing decline and elder is talking more about death. Howard Tuch, MD, Hospice of Southwest Florida, cautions that these changes do not automatically mean that a senior is dying. “You must have assessments in place that rule out common and remediable reasons for decline.” For exam- 25 ple, a patient dying of lung cancer will lose weight but the facility must make sure that the weight loss is unavoidable and not the result of a mouth sore, depression or constipation. Further complicating the end-of-life-stage identification process are residents with Alzheimer’s or dementia who may be unable to articulate pain and can no longer perform activities of daily living. At The Sterling Aventura in Aventura, Florida, the administrative staff and Director of Nursing work one-on-one with family members, caregivers and medical professionals to comprehensively decide when “aging in place” combined with Hospice care are the best choice for a dying resident. “We would rather have our residents be at home in our home as he or she nears end of life,” according to Debbie Aragona, DON. This ensures consistent medical and personal care from professionals who know the resident personally, parallel environmental surroundings (not sterile such as in a hospital or nursing home setting), foods the resident likes and the ability for our staff to be at her or his bedside providing familiarity and peace. Peter C. Leighton, MS. Ed., Community Outreach Specialist for The Sterling Aventura, Luxury Assisted Living. He can be reached online at www.sterlingaventura.com. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM H E A LT H I N Page 26 B A L A N C E The truth is, some women may have to work hard to enjoy lovemaking again. Others will struggle with intimacy issues due to their new physical appearance after treatment. While overcoming cancer is a woman’s ultimate goal, victory over cancer is more than winning the battle for life. Enjoying every aspect of your life, and thriving after cancer is an important goal. sexuality after cancer The elephant in the room Enjoy every aspect of your life By Dana Rowett For years, women treated for cancer have silently suffered with a lasting, sometimes devastating side effect—namely, the loss of libido and sexual function. Who knew that cancer treatment could radically affect a woman’s ability to enjoy her sex life long after treatment had stopped? This obscure fact is still the shameful little secret we often don’t discuss, not even with our doctors. 26 The loss of intimacy is the elephant in the room we’ve simply ignored…until now. Dr. Sally Kydd, a psychologist and breast cancer survivor is a striking, intelligent, and dynamic woman who has a passion for life and compassion for others. Before her diagnosis and treatment, Dr. Kydd didn’t know about the elephant either. The surgeon who was about to perform her double mastectomy was the only one to warn her about any possible impact on her love life. Still, Dr. Kydd admits she didn’t fully understand the severity of those side effects until after her cancer treatment had stopped. Even though sex and intimacy are important parts of most adult lives, not many doctors are trained to discuss sex. Understandably, your oncologist is focused on saving your life when you have cancer. However, one outcome of this singular focus is that many women are never warned about the effects that cancer treatment will have on their sex lives. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 27 Symptoms we don’t discuss Women already know that cancer treatment can cause hair loss, weight gain and may involve the surgical removal of breasts or reproductive organs. But not too many women are warned that chemotherapy or pelvic radiation could make their vaginal walls paper-thin and as dry as sandpaper. Cancer treatment sends women’s bodies into early menopause, but learning how to deal with the severity of these changes often goes unaddressed. Hot flashes, night sweats, emotional changes, thinning vaginal walls, and a severely dry vagina are just a few of the potential side effects. It just plain hurts to be touched. When Dr. Kydd sought answers to relieve her symptoms, she found few resources. Since Dr. Kydd is not the kind of woman who gives up easily, she gathered as much information as she could and then decided to share this valuable information and her own experience with other women in the same boat. She and a colleague, Diana Leach, R.N., R.M.T., developed and began delivering workshops on Sexuality After Cancer. The workshops were filled with women desperate for answers. It became clear that women wanted to learn about how to overcome these important sexual issues. Dr. Kydd and I worked together to address their common concerns and provide straightforward solutions in a simple, helpful handbook entitled, Intimacy After Cancer: A Woman’s Guide. Besides the physical sexual issues, Dr. Kydd explains that two significant psychological issues also emerge for women after cancer treatment: body image and self-esteem. “Women often see themselves as “damaged goods.” They tend to be critical about their own appearance and dislike how they look. Ironically, they are much kinder when describing other women who have been through the same treatment when, objectively, both women look similar. Even women who haven’t had cancer have body image issues; cancer treatment tends to put these insecurities under a microscope." Understandably, many women are not the least bit interested in sex during cancer treatment. When the disinterest continues long after treatment has stopped though, it can be a problem. Women may say they would “rather read a book.” Dr. Kydd tells them to “read the right book.” Dr. Kydd says, “For women, sex begins in the mind. It usually starts with an emotional feeling and then progresses to the physical. Learn how to reprogram your mind about intimacy and how you feel about yourself since cancer. It will be worth the effort.” Use it or lose it Dr. Kydd explains there is a “use it or lose it” physical consequence to not pursuing an active love life. “If a woman doesn’t attempt to bring blood flow back to the vaginal area, it may become difficult to regain the ability to enjoy sexual intercourse again.” Blood flow promotes healthy tissue. Sexual arousal brings blood flow to the vaginal area. If a woman is never sexually aroused, the vaginal walls may remain dry and lovemaking will be painful or impossible. In addition, we discuss the importance of using lubrication to help make lovemaking more comfortable. Communication is another valuable key used to unlock the door to intimacy after cancer treatment. We often don’t discuss our sexual relationship, not even with our partner. It can be a difficult, embarrassing subject to raise, especially if you never talked about sex before. Dr. Kydd provides a number of communication tools to help get the conversation started. The book also includes a short chapter specifically written for your partner. If you’re having difficulty bringing up the sexual issues you’re facing, hand the chapter to your partner...and voila! The conversation has begun. Commonly, erogenous zones change after treatment, so you may need to find new ones. For instance, if you enjoyed breast stimulation but no longer have breasts or have breasts that lack feeling, you can discover new ways to 27 enjoy lovemaking. Assess treatment options Treatment is available for both the physical and psychological side effects of cancer treatment. But be careful about choosing treatment options. Because many female cancers are hormone-sensitive, using products that contain hormones (even in some natural products such as soy) needs careful evaluation. Dr. Kydd and I interviewed many wonderful, caring doctors about this topic and have included their advice. The bottom line is that every aspect of your life is too valuable to let fade away, especially after battling cancer. We believe the focus should be on living every moment of your life to the fullest. Even those who continue to fight cancer will benefit from the wisdom collected in this book. One example that relays how important intimacy remains in a relationship is a story about a woman in the end stages of cancer. She and her husband were both outwardly gorgeous, so the nursing staff playfully referred to them as “Mr. and Mrs. Gorgeous.” The husband stayed with his wife in the hospital, and when it became too painful for her to be touched, he laid on a second bed pushed next to hers, and simply held her hand for days until she left this world. Intimacy between this couple remained important, even as she was dying. You are not alone We address both the physical and psychological reasons that women are unable to enjoy intimacy and sex after cancer treatment. Perhaps most importantly, you will learn that you are not alone with the sexual issues you now face. Dr. Kydd and I have provided a frank, and sometimes humorous, discussion about the changes you might be facing since treatment…changes that can be challenging and embarrassing. It’s time to reclaim your love life, and to move that big, silent elephant out of the room! Dana Rowett is an author and medical writer. She can be reached online at info@intimacyaftercancer.com. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM P R O D U C T Page 28 P R O F I L E S summer… is the season to enjoy some much needed down time. Take time to renew your mind, body and spirit. Spend some time at the beach or with family and friends or Healthy Products For Natural Beauty take that awaited vacation. BeeCeuticals Organics® has developed a revolutionary, all-natural body care line. The Organic Holistic Honey Blend is a unique mixture of organic, raw, unfiltered medicinal honeys from around the world. Travel Kit includes: Honey Thyme Hand and Body Lotion, Bee-Hair-Now Shampoo and Conditioner, Bee-yond Body Balm and Royal Treatment Facial Cream. $11.95 By Erica Braun www.healthfromthehive.com or (954) 467-BEES (2337) Look Stylish Heading To The Gym Yoli-Poli Bags are a true fusion of fashion and utility. The bags are made from genuine leather, lined with high-quality cotton canvas with great looking grommet detailing for ventilation. Available in Pink Metallic and Jet Black. $250 www.yolipoli.com A Must-Have Shoe Accessory Need to walk-a-mile in your mules or samba in your slides? No problem! Muleos keep your shoes secure with a whole new look. The straps go outside the sole of any backless shoe and secure around the ankle. A variety of styles and colors, from leather straps to ribbons embellished with beads and charms, is available. $9.99 - $11.99 www.muleos.com. or (877) 572-1809 28 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 29 Fashionable Bag For Work and Play “The Entrepreneur” puts you in the game. This trim briefcase holds laptops up to 17" with inside pockets, pen and cardholders and a zippered compartment. An outside pocket holds files, magazines or promotions. It is made with a water-repellent silk brocade print, contrasting trim and a non-slip detachable shoulder strap. Available in Hibiscus Pink or Sea Foam Green. $98 www.palmbeachpurses.com or (561) 329-7929 Perfect For Any Occasion In addition to her cool hand-painted jewelry, Angela Moore also has a great collection of Balinese hand-embroidered tunics in the summer's best colors. The Perfect Paisley Fuchsia looks terrific as a beach cover up, worn belted over jeans, or topping off leggings. Cute, comfy and collectable! Available in White/Coral or Lime/Pink. Sizes S-XL. $95 www.angelamoore.com or (800) 927-5470 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 30 W E A LT H make your paycheck grow Hang on to More of your Money By Michael Edesess Here is some down-to-earth advice to help you hang on to more of your money and help it grow. 1. Beware of the financial professionals. Financial professionals are in business to make money for themselves, and a lot of money they do make—by charging big fees and high interest rates, when they can get away with them. Believing they are in business to serve you— without regard to their own payoff—is a big mistake. 2. Foil the bankers. Beware of the bankers who issue credit cards. Don't let credit card debt chip away at your paychecks. Invest in paying off any unpaid credit card debt. This will give you a rate of return on your investment of around 25 percent or even more. No other investment will give as good a rate of return. That’s how to foil the bankers. They want you to keep paying high interest on unpaid debt. 3. Talk to your boss about a company retirement plan. Whether you're young or middle-aged, now is the time to set up a retirement plan and let the magic of compounding make your money grow and grow over time. Ask your employer if the business offers a 401(k) plan. Ask if the business provides a contribution to match yours. If so, you should contribute as much as you can. If your employer does not offer a matching contribution, then you’ll need to think about it more carefully. Although 401(k)s and other tax-deferred vehicles like Roth IRAs and traditional IRAs (and ESAs and 529s for education saving) offer tax advantages, those advantages can be completely wiped out if the financial institutions that manage your accounts charge high fees, as most of them do. Did you ever notice how much easier it is to make money than to hold onto it? For most working 4. Find out about professional management fees. Ask searchingly what the total fees are for management, administration and investment of your 401(k) plan, and of any other tax-deferred plans you are considering opening. Be sure to specify total fees! Financial institutions and investment advisors tend not to tell you the whole truth about fees unless you push them hard. If they tell you about some fees, keep asking them if there are other fees in addition. people, it's also easier to make money than to make money grow. 5. Be wary of personal investment advice. Be extremely careful about seeking personal investment advice from a professional. Typical fees for investment advice and management total about two and a half percent of your investments. That doesn't sound like much, but year after year after year at that rate the fees will eat up more than half of your gains by the time you retire. This is a dirty little secret of the financial services industry. These fees are the sum of the fees 30 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 31 for the advisor, the fees for management of a portfolio (such as a mutual fund), and other fees such as commissions for trading in the mutual fund. 6. Seek low-fee investments. The best investments—like total market index mutual funds that are offered by Vanguard, Fidelity and a few other mutual fund companies—are available at very low cost, as little as one-tenth the cost you will pay if you go to a typical investment advisor. If the total fees you pay for investing in your 401(k) plan are much more than about one percent—and if your employer does not provide matching contributions—then the tax advantages are not worth the cost. That goes also for IRAs or education savings accounts you may be considering. It is worth investing in these if the total fees are less than about three-fourths of a percent. Otherwise, the tax savings aren’t worth the cost. If you go to a financial institution that charges more than this, find a different one. 7. Go for slow growth. If you are relatively young—say, 25 to 45— and saving for your retirement, you should consider putting your investments in stocks through a diversified, low-cost mutual fund. Don’t think of it as a get-rich-quick scheme; think of it as a get-richslow scheme. Don’t worry about the ups and downs in the stock market—ignore them, they’re normal and unpredictable. Investment in stocks over the long term will multiply your money five or ten times over, or even 50 or 100 times over if you invest for 40 or 50 years as Warren Buffett has. But low cost is the key. If you invest at the high cost that will be charged you by most professional financial companies, you’ll have less than half as much when you retire. 8. Avoid taxes in a taxable investment account. Invest in broadlydiversified mutual funds that have low turnover (less than 10 or 20 percent) or that are "tax-managed." But be careful that these funds don't have front-end loads (costs paid up-front), or annual expense fees that are too high (they should be less than half a percent per year). Investing in high turnover mutual funds can cost you in taxes as much as an extra two percent of your assets per year—avoid them. Keep these funds "forever." Don't try to sell them later and buy others in an attempt to pick winners; you can't do it, and it will blow your tax-avoidance strategy. 9. If you buy individual stocks, use the Warren Buffett strategy. In a taxable investment account, if you want to choose your own stocks, follow Warren Buffett's strategy: Buy low-dividend stocks (through a discount or online broker) and hold them "forever," no matter what the ups and downs in their prices. But unless most of your portfolio is already invested in a broadly-diversified mutual fund (see 8), be sure you buy enough stocks (at least thirty of different types and industry groups) to be adequately diversified as a buffer against risk. 10. Put highly-taxed investments in your tax-deferred account and the rest in taxable. When you have both taxable and tax-deferred accounts and want your total investment portfolio to be diversified between stocks and bonds, or you want to reduce your risk by holding a mix of stocks and bonds, put the higher-tax investments (usually the bonds, or stocks with high dividend yields) in your taxdeferred accounts, and put the lower-tax investments (usually the stocks) in your taxable accounts. This is a better strategy than buying tax-free bonds for your taxable accounts (and of course one should never hold tax-free bonds in a tax-deferred account). Michael Edesess is a mathematician, economist, and investment world insider. He is author of The Big Investment Lie: What Your Financial Advisor Doesn’t Want You to Know (Berrett-Koehler). 31 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 32 S P O T L I G H T Saving the World; from Angst to Detachment by Linda Sivertsen Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 33 Where were you the first time you heard Alanis Morissette belt out a song? I was doing laundry and watching MTV, innocently enough, when the unnerving, wailing sounds of “You Oughta Know” stopped me in my tracks. I dropped the hamper and froze in place; my young son wondered what had just happened to Mommy. How do you explain to a kid that you’re experiencing a defining moment, where a stranger— some “Alanis” person from Canada—is putting into words the most raw, frank account of heartbreak you’ve ever heard expressed in polite society? Is it legal, this kind of rage? I mean, most of us have been there, but no one’s ever summed it up quite like this—the extreme nature of love and hate, so intimately tied and unbearingly difficult to reconcile. Who invited this chick— God I’m glad they did—to slam her way into my living room and teach me more about expressing my anger in mere minutes than the collective dutiful, grin-and-bear it generations of women who preceded me? Eleven years later, I’m having tea with Alanis at a Zen restaurant, her choice, in Brentwood. “You sold 30 million albums with Jagged Little Pill,” I say. She nods her head in agreement. “Did that break a world record?” “I think so!” she says, her characteristic wide grin and alert eyes holding mine. She’s beautifully attired in a form fitting black dress, high boots, and blow-dried locks. Her glamour-girl chic is far from the more Rapunzel-tressed raging hippie chick look she sported while touring for her first album. Coming Clean “I look more cared for these days,” she laughs. “On the Jagged Little Pill tour all I had was greasy hair the whole time.” Alanis seems lighter in other ways too; bubbling over with affection, easy laughter, allaround good juju—not appearing to harbor even an ounce of the angst she was once so famous for. JLP garnered six Grammy nominations, 4 wins, and became one of the best-selling albums of all time, but the last few years have found our songstress sitting cross-legged, pen in hand, quietly taking notes at self-help seminars as often as she sits down to compose with her guitar. The more private and subdued path of inner spiritual healing has been a determined one; make no mistake—demanding that Alanis tap into the same wellspring of commitment that made her a global phenomenon. “I had done the conquer-the-world thing,” she says, “but it felt even more important to attend to my inner world.” “A no less courageous path,” I say, and we laugh at the fantasy idea of going inward and floating on a peaceful cloud somewhere. “They don’t call it the ‘dark night of the soul’ for nothing,” she says. “Still, you couldn’t possibly be as high maintenance as your songs would make us believe,” I venture, secretly straining to catch but a flicker of the chaos and torment she so freely expresses in songs like “Everything,” “Hands Clean” and “Eight Easy Steps.” “But we are all high maintenance according to some people,” she answers. “I’m pretty low mainte33 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 34 nance overall, but in any of the songs that I write, I always write both sides.” “I do that too in my writing,” I say, “because it’s far more interesting to be self-deprecating, but I’m on to your secret.” “What secret is that?” she asks, seeming to enjoy the sparring. “That you’re not all that jacked up after all!” I say. “But that’s not a secret!” she answers. “If I can distill it in a couple of sentences, it would be that when everything’s neutral and the words ‘asshole’ and ‘sweetheart’ are all okay, our natural state is really loving and adoring. I think when you’re neutral you can access that which you actually are, which is love. When you say that you’re on to me, I think what you’re on to is that being a bitch and being sweet is all fun, and when they’re both allowed—when we can laugh and be honest about our human frailties and everything’s on equal footing—loving behavior is automatic. It’s when emotions aren’t allowed that things get off kilter and we start disallowing and disowning parts of ourselves and our asshole nature starts to take over.” “So, what you’re saying,” I hazard a guess, “is that at our essence, we’re all souls, and souls are benevolent and loving?” “Exactly!” Alanis grins, sipping her tea. I’m not sure that either of us makes sense at this point, but am reminded of her mega-hit Thank You. Despite that Alanis boldly thanked the odd combo of terror, disillusionment, frailty, consequence, and silence, people seemed to relate. “If you think of it,” I continue, “it’s funny that you’ve gone off to do all this self-help work because, really, you were the face of self-help when you arrived on the scene.” Alanis shakes off the compliment, but can’t altogether deny my reasoning: Instead of buying books on silencing one’s insecurities or paying expensive therapist bills, legions of fans just cranked up the volume on their stereos and sang/screamed it out in the car. Sure, some got tripped up on the rage, replaying key passages countless times because how fun is that?—Screw him. Who did this to her? That asshole!—but subsequent songs (like “Ironic,” “You Learn,” and “Head Over Feet”) and albums later, detachment, even peace ensued. Our “Angry White Female” (an Alanis Rolling Stone cover title) was our generation’s emotional guru, and I’m willing to wager that a decade later, we’re all a bit more Zen-like for it. Green Crusader It’s only natural, then, that this force of nature would go from healing our psyches to healing the planet. She and Keanu Reeves recently narrated a smart environmental film, The Great Warming, about which Laura Kern of The New York Times writes “… should be required viewing by all,” offering environmental education and examples for green living. But am I the only one who sees the parallel here—that Earth Mother Alanis, and Earth Mother terra firma, both pack a helluva wallop? Suspicious of Stardom “We filmed a version of The Great Warming actually before Katrina, where we predicted the whole thing in great detail—what would happen if the levees broke. It all happened right before our eyes, just as we had outlined. We had to make a whole other version of the film after that.” “As a Canadian, maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I knew to watch myself. It was clear to me that fame was an external thing. I remember feeling that if I were grounded before something crazy like fame happened, I’d probably become even more grounded. It’s when you don’t have much of a foundation that everything can be blown apart, really.” “Did doing the narration make you paranoid about humanity’s future?” “Well, I certainly learned more about the dangers of what’s happening on a global scale. But I’ve gone through stages. At the end of the day, I’ve had to learn to let the doomsday stress go and just trust. In making the film I appreciated that they didn’t want to focus too much on what’s wrong with the planet, but more on what we can do pro-actively. It’s counterintuitive to focus so much on what’s wrong.” “When I was young I used to think that if I didn’t work to save the world, it might not happen,” I admit. “How crazy is that?” “I so get that,” Alanis reveals. “I almost worked myself into the ground with activism and charity work. Activism, activism, activism. I almost fell down. I had to stop for a long time and say, ‘You know what? Let so-and-so do it, they’re really inspiring, let them handle it.’ Nowadays I’m back to fighting the good fight, but more quietly, and under the radar.” “When you look back on your life,” I say, shifting gears, “what do you think are the two stand-out miracles?” “Easy,” she answers. “The first was becoming disillusioned with fame. That was an awesome gift! A pivotal, important piece for the personal evolution of my consciousness. Probably the most important piece. I knew it was coming, too.” “You could feel it?” I ask. “What were the warning signs?” “How old were you when you knew you’d be famous?” “I could sense that was in store for me even as far back as five or six years old. I didn’t see the form of the outcome, but I felt the essence of it, and I could tell that it was aligned. I wrote my first song when I was nine, and knew that that was somehow connected to me being here to comfort and validate and uplift humanity. I was always so connected to life and to spirits, and the whole artistic process was just something I bowed down to.” “Fame and creativity are two different animals,” I offer. “Yes. I smelled a little bit of a rat in terms of the happiness that fame was purported to give you. ‘I don’t know about that,’ I’d think when the TV or magazines made it sound like the answer. ‘Sounds fishy.’ But that didn’t mean I didn’t get somewhat caught up when it happened to me, even though I knew ahead of time there was going to be a nice little crash.” Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 35 I can’t disagree with the aforementioned talents— especially not with Ms. Armstrong, one of my personal faves, but come on—talk about fishy. This humility, coming from a gal whose work has probably touched more millions than the combined work of everyone she’s just mentioned? “Your song, “That I Would Be Good” is about that very thing, isn’t it—about being loved no matter if you get the thumbs down, get sick, gain 10 pounds, or go bankrupt? It always makes me cry. Did you write that after getting caught up in the trappings of fame?” fact that you’re being recognized.’ I would say, ‘But if I was actually just being recognized, why is all this other stuff going on that doesn’t seem to be about the recognition? It’s so self-congratulatory and seemed to be all centered around self-promotion.’” “Right around that time. I still cry when I sing that song because isn’t that what we all want— to be loved and grateful for ourselves no matter what? Gratitude is a moving emotion. I was at a lecture that Byron Katie [author of Loving What Is] was giving recently, and she played that song at the end of the day, and invited me up on stage to sit with her. She put her arms around me and I was barely holding it together. I was about to lose my shit. It was a very spiritual, full-circle moment.” “Do you think you were an egomaniac? Or did that process inspire the birth of that within you?” “Would you mind going back in time,” I ask, “back to the year you first swept at the Grammys? I’m sure you’ve spoken about this a million times and I’m sorry if you’re sick of the topic, but—” “No, I haven’t talked about it in a long time,” Alanis says, her face reflecting genuine interest. “It was a great but complicated time because I had a lot of inner conflict. On the one hand, I had been insulated, making this magical little record with my producer, with no one expecting it to sell more than 250,000 copies. The whole thing was a dream in terms of how the process went. Then, the dream came true when the record was finished.” “Didn’t you just write and record the pieces right there, rarely laying down more than one or two tracks?” “True. It was so organic,” she reflects. “That’s how I felt working with my publisher on my first book. In the beginning, when it’s just about the possibility and the collaboration— before money or sales numbers or reviews get you trapped in your head—creativity is so pure.” Keepin’ it Real “That’s exactly right! And you want to share your collaboration with as many people as possible, but when I was winning awards I was really conflicted because so much of that award winning time was seemingly all about the ego. People would say, ‘Just shut up and appreciate the “Well, it’s always there, isn’t it? Just like little sleeping cats. You step on my tail; I come to life!” Alanis pauses. “You wanted two miracles, right?” “Yep,” I answer, “but I bet I know what the second one is,” I say, the know-it-all interviewer. “It’s your voice, right? It’s got to be the most enjoyable thing in the world to be able to sing like you do!” “It is,” she answers, “but that’s not where I go when thinking of miracles.” “Huh? We non-singers can only dream.” “Sure,” she says. “It’s the law of women with curly hair that want straight hair and women with straight hair who want curly hair. I see my singing voice as a great gift from God. I’m so humbled by it. I can’t even believe I have it. I’m so grateful.” “And?” I ask, “What’s the catch?” I’m wracking my brain trying to imagine what could surpass the act of opening her mouth and creating those sounds (not to mention making a fortune doing so—hello?). “It’s only one tentacle of many forms of expression that moves me,” she says. “It happens to be the one that I’m most well known for, as a singer-songwriter. It makes sense why people would think that’s my ultimate, but it’s only one of all kinds of forms of creativity that speak to me—from acting, writing, screenwriting, photography, directing, producing, etc.” “Hmmm. How do you see your singing, then?” I ask. “I think of it more in terms of it being a catalyst than a miracle. Miracles to me are on the order of the talent of authors and transformational seminar leaders like Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now), Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want), Alison Armstrong (Keys to the Kingdom), Debbie Ford (Dark Side of the Light Chasers) and Byron Katie. There are so many of these inspired teachers. All of them are embodied miracles to me.” 35 “The second and most real miracle to me is that I have the time and the ability to do that inner work, and that these people are the teachers. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about making a living if I don’t want to. I can just work on me.” “A lot of people don’t have that luxury,” I say. “Yes, I know,” she replies. “I think of my predecessors, and the perfect design of the way I was raised to put me in a devout Roman Catholic home where my role was to try to understand the chaos. Talk about miracles! If I hadn’t had my difficult childhood, I don’t know if I would have been pulled to understand the human condition in the way that I’ve always been obsessed about doing.” “Many people have substantiated that it’s not necessary to have a peaceful, happy childhood in order to succeed. I’m guessing you’d agree with that?” “Yes! In fact, a troubled or challenging early life might actually be a prerequisite for any kind of enlightenment. I don’t know, but what I do know is that so many gifts have come from the pain of my past. Through Debbie Ford’s shadow work, I learned that it’s through working with the shadow part of ourselves that those challenging things pull us toward becoming who we are today.” Gratitude. That’s the perfect word to summarize my feelings about breaking bread with my musical idol, sensing my good fortune in catching her in an unusually quiet moment in time. In the few months since our interview, Alanis’ life has indeed changed significantly. She and her boyfriend of several years, actor Ryan Reynolds, have split. Alanis wrote 23 songs in three weeks and has been recording them in London while acting in the theatrical role of a death-row survivor in The Exonerated, all the while writing her first book, and releasing a genius satire of Fergie’s My Humps video on-line (check www.YouTube.com) sparking massive press and Alanis fever of the very viral kind. For her many diehard fans, it’s welcome news that a new album’s in the works. And for those of us still fantasizing about saving the world—with all due respect to those peace-inducing, selfhelp seminars—we can’t help but hope that those songs reveal that our Earth Mama Alanis still packs one helluva wallop. Linda Sivertsen—West Coast Feature Editor linda@balancemagazine.com Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 36 W E A LT H the next wave of leadership Leading When You Are NOT The Boss By Regina Barr Problem or Opportunity? That all depends on what actions your organization takes now. In the short-term, attracting, developing and retaining key leaders should be job one. Creating a culture where leaders can develop the skills necessary to ensure the organization’s future success and growth is critical. These include excellent communication skills, relationship skills and critical thinking skills. However, based on current trends, your company will be well-served by focusing on developing and grooming a different kind of leader within your organization, that is, those leaders who may not formally hold that title within your organization. The equation for organizational success is fairly simple: Results (the what) are equal to Employee Productivity multiplied by Leadership (the how). For too long, organizations have focused primarily on one part of this equation in producing results: employee productivity. One HR executive with an S&P 500 company that I spoke with said, "The gains in productivity of the past few years have been on the backs of our employees who are maxed out. I don't know where we're going to get the next round of productivity." If your organization hopes to continue to achieve results, then you are going to need to shift your focus to organizational leadership. Consider these statistics. Unemployment is hovering at a three-year low of 4.5% nationwide, and the Bureau of Labor statistics projects a labor shortage of more than 10 million workers by 2010. To further exacerbate matters, the impending boomer retirement will create both a knowledge and leadership gap for many corporations. Couple this with the fact that a recent poll by OfficeTeam showed that 71% of American workers say "they do not want to be the boss at their workplace." Core Behavioral Competencies for Leading Without Authority The leaders that I find most in demand today are those that can motivate and engage employees that are outside of the scope of their functional responsibilities. What makes these leaders effective? Those leaders who are effective in leading others— particularly when they are not in a boss/subordinate relationship—typically exhibit the following behaviors: 1. They are ethical in their actions. They are clear about their values, goals and expectations. They do what they say they will. They are willing to admit to mistakes. 2. They are well connected. They nurture relationships at all levels. They know where to go for information, both inside and outside of their organization and they are willing to share information when appropriate. 3. They are good collaborators. Rather than tell people what to do, they ask people for their ideas. They offer ideas as part of a 36 broader solution. They model or demonstrate the behaviors they would like to see. 4. They use personal influence effectively. They get people to do things for them because they want to, not because they have to. They are not controlling, manipulative or impatient. They relate with people on a personal level and help bring the vision alive for them. 5. They understand how to manage conflict. They look beneath the conflict to identify solutions. They know when and how to utilize various approaches when resolving conflict. 6. They learn from experience. They continually examine outcomes—both good and bad. They place a high value on lessons learned and quickly utilize these learnings to make adjustments. 7. They provide feedback. They coach people both formally and informally, and view this as a natural part of any relationship or process. People exhibiting these core behaviors are able to create an environment of trust and an environment where people feel connected to their work. As organizational hierarchies continue to flatten out and as leaders continue to have increased span of control, success in leading others where you do not have direct authority or power over them, will become critical. John F. Kennedy once said, "It is time for a new generation of leadership to cope with new problems and new opportunities. For there is a new world to be won." Those who exhibit the behaviors outlined above will be well positioned to handle these new problems and opportunities. Those who master them, will be well positioned for success. Regina Barr is president of Red Ladder, Inc. She can be reached online at www.redladder.com. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 37 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 38 S P O T L I G H T Mona Lisa Schulz you some inborn mental and emotional challenges. However, the unique wiring of your brain and body also gives you some unique gifts and abilities. The woman of today must learn where her strengths lay, where she has areas of genius, where the flaws are and how to cultivate the areas in which she excels; thereby working around her shortcomings.” Plasticity “When you were born, you had a traditional female brain that combined the genetic heritage of your parents and the in-utero environment in which you developed until you were born. Then,” Schulz continues, “as you grew up in the incubator of your childhood, that genetic heritage was molded and acculturated to life in this society. There is no longer a traditional female brain. Each of us is unique because the demands of society have been impressed into our female brains. And our brains continue to change as we struggle with our lists of expectations: to be mothers, to hold down full-time jobs, to come home and run households, to be attentive to our partners and to be active in our community. While juggling all these roles, we are further challenged by all the ways in which information comes to us today. Remember when information was passed neighbor to neighbor or from the three major television networks? All that has changed, and the stimulus our brains must filter affects our perception, attention and memory circuits. This capacity of the brain to remold itself is called ‘plasticity.’” Connect With Intuition It’s a good thing we are so adaptable because we each have a unique genius that is our brain’s power and we have what every woman knows is within—intuition. Dr. Mona Lisa believes that all of us were born with intuitive ability, but that this innate ability gradually diminishes over time because it has been culturally feared and devalued instead of cultivated. Intuition is the capacity to make correct decisions based on insufficient information. Women today need to appreciate their intuition, to understand how it’s wired and develop it further. Intuition helps us adapt to what the world demands. Dr. Schulz believes that the areas where you experience physical and emotional dysfunction are the same areas where you will find your own source of intuition. Your Unique Genius By Liz Sterling Mona Lisa A. Schulz, M.D., Ph.D is a neuropsychiatrist who combines the best of Western scientific tradition with energy medicine—the medicine of the future. She is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont School of Medicine and Maine Medical Center, Portland. She serves as a research editor and consultant for bestselling author Dr. Christiane Northrup's popular newsletter and is the author of Awakening Intuition. Her media appearances include national radio, The Oprah Winfrey Show and the Discovery Channel. Watch What You Pray For–You May Get More “In 4th grade,” she reflected, “I prayed to God in the bathroom to make me smart. That’s an unusual bathroom request. Yet God heard my prayer. The next year I was moved into advanced classes. But other things happened, too. When I prayed to God to make me exceptional–I got both sides of that request. My brain acquired unusual and intuitive gifts but I also developed epilepsy, scoliosis and seizures.” Schulz has always felt different, due to her dyslexia, her sensitivity, her hyper-activity and her tendency to get the right answers to math problems without knowing how she got there. At age 12, her spine suddenly bent 120 degrees. A rod was placed down the spine, and she spent her seventh grade in bed. By virtue of a rare neurological syndrome that twisted her spine “like a pretzel,” she also developed a brain uniquely adapted for intuition. Schulz has not had a “normal” life. She's undergone grueling back surgeries and wears a neck brace to sleep. Yet she is as quick as a whip. In addition to her extensive background in clinical medicine, and brain research, Dr. Schulz has been a practicing medical intuitive for nearly a decade. Medical intuition is the direct perception of the emotional and psychological patterns that form the basis for a person's state of health or disease. In the opening paragraph of her new book, The New Feminine Brain, Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz writes, “Women have a unique feminine brain. It is different from a man’s and it has its own styles of thought. Yet for the last fifty years women have had to fit their brains into a ‘male’ world. We have had to learn how to, as the song says, ‘walk like a man’ and ‘talk like a man,’ but to stay a woman inside. To accommodate these two divergent roles, our brains have had to rewire themselves. So being a woman today gives We met this year at the 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference For Businesswomen. Schulz was one of the morning keynote 38 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 39 speakers. Her keynote was fascinating and so was she. With great humor, intense energy, an exorbitant amount of knowledge and the desire to help us learn about our innate abilities to intuit from within our physical and emotional makeup, she captured the 1,200 businesswomen like an egg in a Petrie dish. Then she fertilized our enthusiasm. for women who would like to keep their hormones balanced and to thrive into old age. We’re shifting from pinpoint clarity to ambiguity. It’s time to adapt. Don’t be afraid to slow down. When you get older, your memory is like the baggage claim, sometimes you have to wait for the baggage to come around a second time. Eventually the information comes around. And just because normal cognition gets slower, it is not stupid. It is just less impulsive. There is a benefit in taking more time to come out with great wisdom. Adaptability “If you are given difficulties,” she explained to me in a post-conference interview, “you learn to rebuild other places in your life and use them as your strengths. I lost several organs and gained exceptional abilities. This is a like an exaggeration or cartoon of what happens in everyone’s life. Bernie Segal says, ‘Cancer is like a reset button that allows you to reset or re-evaluate your life.’ Your level of adaptability comes from trauma and tragedy. I hate to be trite about that but kids who sail through life become quite narcissistic; they have never learned how to lose. As a result of adversity, we learn to be resilient and to use our inner capacities in our brains. Falling on your face brings you humility and faith. Someone once asked, ‘How can there be a God when so much tragedy happens?’ God doesn’t prevent bad things from happening, God is there when bad things happen and you realize there is some other power to help bring you back up.” Emotional Feng Shui Emotions have always been an issue for women. There are five basic emotions: fear, anger, sadness, joy and love. The emotions that your heart and mind contain–and how you feel–are the best predictors of your overall happiness, health and success at long-term goals and your place in society. Women’s brains are hyperconnected; women feel emotions in everything they think, say and do. Our brains are suffused with emotions and interestingly enough, our feeling and emotional brain circuits are the foundation for intuition. This gives us the ability to be emotionally and intuitively “porous” to others’ feelings. Rx for Stabilizing Your Brain– An Anti-Dementia Plan The Brain The four areas in which our brains excel or struggle are: mood, anxiety, attention, memory. “You have a temporal lobe/limbic system that helps you feel emotions, dream and have empathy. And then you have a frontal lobe center or filter that helps you sensor your feelings, cover up your emotions and mute your intuition so you can function. This is the part of our brains that covers up our unbridled emotions so we appear normal. Interestingly enough, during the second part of your menstrual cycle or during perimenopause, your limbic system/temporal lobe is not able to edit so well and you tend to be more emotional, more outspoken and more irritable. You will not care as much about what others think. The frontal lobe is bathed in hormones when you are young and decreases throughout menopause. The receptors no longer function to receive the hormones and so you will hear women say, ‘I just want to be back to normal.’ Well that’s not going to happen, even if you take hormones. Many women wake up in their fifties and no longer can tolerate their husbands. Their filtering systems that were active while childrearing and protecting the family unit are now empty. Many women begin to see their lives with new eyes. If the issues aren’t addressed, their physical bodies will begin to show symptoms of dis-ease.” • Mood–Keep Good Emotional Feng Shui Allow yourself to feel Fear, Anger, Sadness, Love and Joy every day. • Anxiety–Find your Unique Range of Comfortable Risk If you don’t like to change or you avoid risk, perhaps anxiety is no longer protecting you; it may be paralyzing you. • Attention–Increase Your Capacity to Focus Your Perception Acknowledge and celebrate your unique form of attention. If you are a space cadet or you are more of a computer geek, find out how your style will support you in how you spend your time. A space cadet will not be happy volunteering in a library. Are you right brain – left brain – impulsive or compulsive? Find your style and bring it into your vocation. • Memory–Stay Current Change with the world as the world is changing. Continue to learn and change everyday. Get rid of the ruts in your social life and in your job. Do things that are current even if they are adversive. Listen to Top 20 music in your car. You may want to listen to 70’s music that is soothing and familiar but soothing is the same as a rut and ruts are caused by familiarity and familiarity leads to dementia. Mingle with new people. Go to parties and expand your social arena. Travel to a new city, rent a car, get a map and navigate yourself to a new restaurant. This is the perfect anti-dementia diet. Follow this plan and you will lower your risk for dementia. The New Feminine Brain The new feminine brain, although less tolerant, allows you to be more free with the things you say and more expressive with what you feel. In ancient times, we did not have the excessive demands of culture that are present today. Women are putting off child bearing until their 40’s and the pulsing of estrogen into the brain is decreasing. Women in high stress jobs are pumping testosterone into their systems and this affects the feminine brain as well. Our society is different than ever before and because of plasticity our brains are changeable in our lifetime. Even since your mother’s generation, there are major changes taking place in the brain. Just think about when you watched Porky Pig and Bugs Bunny. The scenes didn’t change and they lasted for 15–20 minutes. Now the children’s programs change in 5 seconds. With video, MTV and iPods, our entire means of communication has changed. Ever watch the news and read the reel on the bottom of the screen? This multiple window rewires the brain and our set point for serenity has dramatically changed. We need to downshift our level of arousal and decrease the stimulation to our brains and change the set point within ourselves. This is really important Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz implores us to learn about our unique genius which is directly connected to our new feminine brains. Celebrate this wonderful time in history; make the most of who you are, take risks, buy an iPod and download some rap music, then boogie on down to that great new Ethiopian restaurant and share with your waiter some of your intuitive wisdom and a great big hug at the end of the meal. You go, girl…and have a great summer. Dr. Schulz offers private sessions from her home in Yarmouth, Maine. She can be reached online at www.drmonalisa.com. Liz Sterling—Southeast Feature Editor Liz@balancemagazine.com 39 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 40 W E A LT H be a top producer Create Balance in Your Work and Life By Jerry Pujals No matter what part of the country you work in, no matter what your background, no matter what your family or financial situation, you must have a balance between your personal and professional life. In fact, it’s impossible to produce at high levels without a personal life. Yes, this philosophy goes against the American work ethic, which says to push yourself to the breaking point to get ahead. So many people these days think it’s normal to work seven days a week, to never take a vacation and to sacrifice family time for financial gain. Well, that’s not the case in business. That’s right…if you want to reach the top dog status, you MUST take time off and have a work/life balance. We’ve all heard the saying that all work and no play makes Jack (or Jill) a dull person. Well, that saying is not just a The fact is that you cannot work ninety hours a week and be a millionaire. Sure, you may be able to pull it off for a short period of time, but fairly quickly something will start to fall apart. Maybe it’ll be your marriage or your health. Whatever it is, you can be sure it will happen. What’s funny, though, is that the top producers—the ones who consistently earn at high levels—always have family and personal time built into their schedules. Always! cute statement of life. It actually means that a person who never takes time off from Set the Expectation work becomes both boring Unfortunately, many businesspeople feel guilty when they spend time with their family or pursuing personal interests. They feel they must be available for their clients at all times—weekends and evenings if need be. Look at many business cards today and you’ll see that many give out their cell phone number, home number and some even their home address. Unknowingly, these workers are setting the expectation that they are available 24/7, rain or shine, sickness or health. And that’s no way to run a business. and bored. So if you opt to work seven days a week, twelve hours a day, you’re doing yourself more While you should be accessible for your clients, you must also have some boundaries in your professional relationships. If you’re new to the business, then you more than likely will have to work weekends to get yourself established. That’s fine. But you still must plan some other time off for yourself during the week. harm than good. If you’re established in the business and you are still working every weekend, then maybe you really need to look at how efficient you’re being while you’re working. Are you sticking to your established schedule? Once your business is established, there’s no reason for you to be working seven days a week. For example, one real estate agent in Colorado only works three days a week, sells about 270 homes a year, and earns approximately $4.5 million a year. That’s efficiency! 40 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 41 Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to tell clients what your days off are. They won’t guess, and they can’t read your mind. So if they ask you to meet with them on Thursday, and you take off on Thursdays, you must set the expectation. Don’t meet with them anyway and then be mad that they made you work on your day off. The client did not make you work on your day off; you made yourself work on your day off because you did not set the expectation. Hiding your schedule from clients will only create problems later. What to Schedule People often wonder what kind of personal things they should be putting in their schedule. Put in whatever is important to you. Some things you may want to schedule are your kids' sports events, dinner with your spouse, time to work on your favorite hobby, commitments to personal groups or clubs you belong to, etc. There’s no right or wrong thing to schedule. The important thing is that you do it. But putting these items in your schedule is only step one. Next you need to have accountability to these personal items. Perhaps your spouse can keep you accountable for your scheduled “date nights.” Maybe your kids will keep you accountable for going to their events. Whatever it is, be sure to tell your family and friends what you’re scheduling in your planner. When they know you have time set aside for them, they’ll help ensure you keep your word. After all, you don’t want to let down your family and friends, do you? How Much Balance is Enough? When you’re starting out in the business, you must have at least one full day to recharge your batteries. This is one day when you’re completely unplugged from the office and from clients. You don’t take any phone calls, return any e-mails, or even think about work. This is a day just for you. This may sound scary for some people, especially you Type-A control freaks, but relax…the office won’t fall apart without you. And your clients won’t abandon you and work with another agent just because you took a day off. Remember, set the expectation upfront and no one will mind. As your business grows, or if you’re already established in the business, then you must take at least two days off per week. They don’t have to be two consecutive days (although that is best), and they don’t have to be weekends. You simply need to take two days. Why? As you get established, your efficiency should naturally be increasing. You can accomplish more in less time, so there’s no reason to work more than five days per week. Also, when you produce at higher levels, your brain and body will require more relaxation time so you can stay at peak performance. Finally, when you push yourself and overwork yourself, you begin to develop a sour attitude. You may secretly resent those clients who want to meet with you on weekends or whatever days off you want. You may resent colleagues who seem to work less but make more money than you. Resentment, anger and frustration are not traits of successful businesspeople. A positive attitude, enthusiasm and a love of the business are the traits that propel people to the top. And you can’t possess those traits consistently if you’re not allowing yourself time to rest. A Little “R & R” Goes a Long Way The bottom line is that you must have a balance between your work and personal life. Without it, your career, your health and even your family life will suffer. No career is worth that price. So work diligently to maintain balance. When you do, you’ll be able to hob-knob with all the other top dogs as you sit by the pool on your day off. Jerry Pujals is an expert on sales, training and motivation. He can be reached online at www.jpsalessystems.com. 41 Summer07 6/14/07 O N 11:33 AM T H E Page 42 M O N E Y What Are We Really Leaving Our Children? By Adriane G. Berg Oh, the good old days when estate lawyers like me could just save our clients taxes or avoid messy conflicts. That was fine until the baby boomers, 78 million of us, began to realize that one day we would not live forever, even though we may have learned how to fly. The same generation that created the eight-dollar arugula salad now wants to pepper the future with its ode to right living. Moreover, we want to pontificate to our children and grandchildren on the difference between right and wrong, or as we put it, our value system. legacy or lunacy True to form, just having a verbal discussion about values around the dinner table would be too simple. In reading about the “Values Will” it occurred to me that we probably should have conveyed our values by example during our children’s formative years, instead of waiting to videotape our philosophy just a few moments before we are about to hit the hay for the long sleep. Nevertheless, let’s give ourselves credit. We are trying to finish what we started. Equality, philanthropy, teaching harmony and, of course, that all you need is love. There I was, waiting in line to be number fifty three for take off, languidly rifling through the pages There’s nothing wrong with that, unless it takes the place of the type of estate planning that might actually result in making a difference to our family and the world in some very real ways. Let’s take a look at some terrific opportunities that we, the richest and most educated generation in history, have in leaving a legacy, and what might distinguish our legal documents and planning from all that has ever come before us. of the current in-flight magazine. What a surprise to find an article about trusts and estates among the pretty pictures of Crete and Our longevity does make our estate planning different. So we could use a New Think when it comes to leaving our legacy. the latest restaurant in Paris. But New Think #1 this article took no ordinary slant Our kids will be pretty old by the time they inherit. Even our grandkids will be no spring chickens. on will making. It was about I am 58 years old. My son Arthur is 25. My daughter Rose is 15. If I’d had Arthur at 25, an average age for the boomer generation, he would already be 35, and I’d be just starting out in my second act in life. If I keep taking those vitamin E pills and get to the gym, I have an actuarial age of 82, and an acceptable chance of hitting 95. That makes Arthur 62 when he inherits, Rose 47, and the average earlier-born Gen-Xer age 72. Seems a little long to withhold teaching values. making a “Values Will,” leaving a legacy of heartfelt advice on ethics, and what really matters in But having older inheritors (one half of all people age 60 still have living parents) means that we know them pretty well. We can distribute our funds in a way that makes sense if we intend to impact the world. We know which child, if any, can handle charitable giving, which needs a trust fund to protect them from themselves, which grandchild or great grandchild needs the college education paid for, and which a lump sum to start or grow a business. life. In other words, a mission statement or credo ostensibly left to influence the decisions and direction of one’s heirs. Wow, longevity has taken the guesswork out of legacy. New Think #2 We may outlive our wealth, if we are not planning for longevity. When I created my virtual club, www.longevityclubonline.com, 42 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 43 well during the “longevity wealth gap,” which starts at around age 86, you may need to tap that equity. Many people are doing so years earlier, by taking reverse mortgages against their homes. These mortgages are used to supplement income, pay for long-term care, and even buy other property. But, in any case, they are paid back at death from the proceeds of the sale of the home. I thought that the greatest benefit that members would derive was group insurance discounts on the cost of long term care insurance. But, no. The most excitement was generated by the offer of a trip to Bhutan. Let’s face it, and applaud it. Boomers have a thirst for life that is blooming as we age. And thirst costs money to quench. As we spend as much or more in retirement, and as the typical couple will shell out $220,000 in unreimbursed health care costs (AARP study, 2007), we may have no legacy to leave. If you decide on taking a reverse mortgage, the law requires that you are given an independent consultation so you understand this type of encumbrance. Further, you can choose to take a loan, but still leave a percentage of the value of the home to your heirs. The reverse mortgage need not be taken up to its maximum. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be us vs. them. It is critical that we first preserve our independence and purchase long term care insurance while we can. New products that meld annuities with long term care coverage are on the market for those of us that are uninsurable or want to amass wealth and still have long term care protection. It pays to look forward to the future because we will have lots of ways to make up for the deficits of aging, and live our best life. From toilets like the new Jacuzzi designer walk-in tub, or the Toto Washlet, that allows us to keep our dignity even if we are incapacitated, to oxygen tanks small enough to carry to the opera in our purse, Boomers can live independently at home, even if we need high levels of care. So, I know what you’re thinking. This financial responsibility is all very well and good. But, you may be thinking, I still want to learn about the new-fangled values will. Values wills are most often called “ethical wills.” If you visit www.ethicalwill.com, you will see that they are actually a type of spiritual journaling, recommended to be written at different seminal times in your life, when such things may never happen again. Things that really move you may prove the catalyst for an entry; for example, when your children were born, you moved your home, or your uncle Marvin picked up a check. How did you feel? What did you learn? What can you teach? Protect yourself and your future from the drain of dependency. I call that a family value. If these are tough questions, you might want to turn to some of the inevitable how-to books cropping up. Check out The Ethical Will Writing Guide by Barry K. Baines, Women’s Lives, Women’s Legacy: Passing Your Beliefs to Future Generations by Rachel Freed or So That Your Values Live On by Jack Reiner. New Think #3 We can buy a legacy even if we failed to build one. Sure we all know that we could have been the multi-millionaires next door if we had started at age 25 and socked away only two thousand dollars a year in our IRA. But, we didn’t. So, let’s get over it. Insurance products can bring us into the legacy game, right here and right now. For example, a healthy husband and wife age 58 can buy a joint and survivor policy (no one inherits until they are both gone) for a premium of a few hundred dollars a year. On passing of a loved one As I write this article, I receive an urgent e-mail. The mother of one of my clients has just passed away. The clients are two sisters that have been struggling with Mom’s illness, the bills, the cleaning out of the apartment, the moving Mom from Florida to New Jersey, the feeling of loss they already experience and the coming loss they anticipate. Above all, they have been struggling with the pain of their mother’s pain and the decisions regarding her health and comfort. For those, like Malcolm Forbes, who believe in creating an instant legacy, longevity has brought down insurance rates about 8 times since I started to study the field in the 70’s. New Think #4 They have had a year while Mom went in and out of remission. Now that Mom is gone, they have unanswered questions. Would it have been of value to let Mom tell her story--her “Herstory’’ if you will? I think it would have. This May, my mom turns 90. I have already started a book in which I ask her for her values, her history and any thoughts she wants to pass down to my children. I see how critical her legacy is to me, and how we will value both her lunacies and her legacies. Our IRAs, 401(k)s, and homes are where the money is. Where have all the pensions gone? Gone, every one. Today the most fascinating game in town is the real estate IRA, or any independent selfdirected IRA. These allow you to invest in dozens of unique holdings, from high paying notes to rental real estate, to gold in bullion or in currencies. I disclose that I am a proud marketer for Entrust Group, www.entrustcama.com. But, I have been writing about independent IRAs, especially ones that hold real estate and are created as after tax ROTH IRAs, for years, long before I met up with Entrust. I brought my daughter (the 15-year-old director) into the act so she could videotape my mother as she answered questions. I will cherish her ethical will (although she certainly would never see herself as a matriarch, and never understand her profound influence on generations to come). New Think # 5 My ethical will Retirement vehicles may be great for your money, but can be a nightmare for your heirs, if you drop the ball on keeping your designation of beneficiary forms straight. Most forms, whether a self directed IRA or an employee plan, give you a small space to write in the names of heirs and their successors. Lose the forms, misplace them, fail to clue in your heirs that they have been named, and you are creating lunacy, not legacy. If you want to start a family war, just be vague on how you designate beneficiaries. This also motivates me to jot down my thoughts and make, I guess, what may technically be an ethical will. Here’s what has worked for me. Always go places, no matter what; it always pays to go. Always pay your debts. Do what you love (even though the money won’t follow). Be like Dr. Seuss’ Horton, “Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be loyal 100%.” And when life gives you a chance, you might as well dance. It didn’t take very long, but that’s the legacy. Proponents say that ethical wills are mentioned in all bibles. And perhaps they are a jewel above rubies. New Think # 6 You are probably living in your bank. Adriane Berg is an elder law attorney and the author of 14 books on personal finance. Adriane offers a free membership for Balance Magazine readers to The Longevity Club, www.longevityclubonline.com, where they can learn more about building wealth in mid-years. Home equity is probably a mighty chunk of your wealth, and the legacy that you plan to leave. But, longevity costs money, and if you can’t live 43 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 44 How Golf Can W E A LT H Get You in the teeing up for business What we’ve heard all along is a myth. Deals are seldom finalized on the golf course. However, that is where many deal-closing relationships are made. Women who play golf have an added advantage for greater business success. Shouldn’t you get in the game? While it is a myth that many business deals are closed on the golf course, don’t be confused— many are started and sealed there. Business golf is not a meeting moved outdoors. The fine points of a contract probably will be covered at another time. But what transpires during a round of golf can be the foundation for a lasting business relationship. Golf provides the opportunity to spend as much as 4 to 6 hours of quality time with a business client or colleague. Few other venues offer such an extended period to interact and develop mutual respect. It has been said that golf brings out the best and worst in people, which is why so many business leaders play golf with important clients, suppliers and potential hires. Many of the rules of golf apply to the business world—being prepared, paying attention, assessing situations quickly and maintaining one’s composure. The game allows a player to know your other playing partners’ personalities. Situations created on the golf course reveal how the player responds to success or failure, performance under pressure and how well you abide by the rules and ethics of the game. These characteristics are all key aspects of business relationships. That’s why business golf isn’t as much about closing the deal as it is about developing the relationships that give you the ability to close the deals. As more and more women add golf to their repertoire for business success, to those who don’t play I say, “Can a businesswoman afford NOT to play golf?” To take advantage of golf for business here are some things to keep in mind: Know Your Purpose: Going into a business golf opportunity without identifying a purpose is like going into a business meeting without an agenda—it isn’t likely to produce the results you want! Identify what you want to get out of the time together and what your playing partners get as well. Game By Pam Swensen Plan Your Outing: Based on your business purpose, you should plan your outing the same way you plan a business meeting, a lunch meeting or presentation. Choices and details should be made and arranged in advance to ensure they align with your business purpose. Set expectations up front for all participants, so there are no surprises. Interaction with Others: Focus on your business purpose. You aren’t there to shoot your best round of golf ever (even though it would be nice). Check yourself on every hole—are you focused on your business purpose? Know Golf Course Etiquette: Your golf skill is secondary. If you know golf course etiquette, everyone will enjoy joining you for a game of golf. You should know when to talk and when not to talk, where to stand when others are making a shot, how to take care of the course, where to drive the cart, pace of play, cell phone etiquette, how to tip and how to dress. Have Basic Golf Skills: Remember, you have a day job and the goal here is business. However, a basic game is necessary. Here are some benchmarks: can you hit the ball at least 100 yards; do you know the basic techniques for chipping, putting, pitching and sand; are you 100% confident that you know how to get around a golf course in a courteous manner? Using golf for business can enhance your career and it is a sport you can enjoy throughout your life. Don’t be left in the office or relegated to driving the beverage cart when you can be teeing up for business. Pam Swensen is CEO of the Executive Women’s Golf Association, providing opportunities for women to learn, play and enjoy the game of golf for business and for life. She can be reached online at www.ewga.com. To acquire and hone your golf skills, seek out a golf professional and the Executive Women’s Golf Association (EWGA). With 120 chapters located throughout the United States and into Canada, the EWGA offers new golfer clinics and numerous other player development programs as well as numerous golf, networking and social activities. EWGA provides innovative ways to learn about the game and learn to play the game with more skill. See www.ewga.com. Another resource for golf programs is the PGA of America’s website at www.playgolfamerica.com. 44 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 45 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 46 By Mare Petras Just Breathe. Skinny Breathing A simple way to good health Stress can make you fat. When the body is stressed, the stress hormone (cortisol) goes up and encourages the body to burn sugar for energy instead of fat. Deep breathing and relaxation techniques lower cortisol levels, providing the environment the body needs to burn fat. In addition to the benefit of an increased metabolism, athletes and fitness fanatics can look forward to better exercise performance through the muscle relaxation that deep breathing affords. A muscle that is strong and relaxed will use less effort, produce better movement and be less prone to injury. Most of us breathe to survive, but not to thrive. We know that deep breathing can calm, soothe, restore energy and relieve stress, but did you also know that deep breathing can rev up energy levels, heighten senses, build aerobic capacity and even promote weight loss? While there are many helpful breathing techniques, over-focusing on the ‘right way’ can stress you out, tense you up and disturb your natural rhythmic breathing patterns. The mantra remains, Keep it simple, sweetie! Fitness 02 Though not a substitute for the treadmill, deep breathing can facilitate weight loss efforts and enhance fitness goals. One measure of fitness is aerobic capacity, which can be easily observed by how breathless you get (or not) from a specific activity, for instance your morning walk. A weight loss benefit of increased aerobic capacity is the ability to work harder, helping you to burn more calories, at a quicker rate. Just Breathe…Five Simple Tips: 1. Make Room for the New – Start with an exhale to fully release air. 2. Ready, Set…Breathe – Inhale slowly and deeply through the nose. A healthy inhale takes about five seconds. 3. Finish Long – Exhale slowly through the mouth, emptying your lungs completely. Good breathers focus more on thorough exhalation than on inhalation. Whatever your fitness level, deep breathing is a “no pain, lots to gain” way to boost your aerobic capacity. Aerobic capacity is usually increased through anaerobic training, commonly known as “go-for-the-burn” exercise, aimed to push you beyond your limits. So if you wanted to pump up your morning walk to anaerobic levels, you could walk faster, further, add sprints of intensity…or simply practice deep breathing! 4. Belly Breathing – Engage your diaphragm for good breathing. The diaphragm is the sheet of muscle along the top of your abdomen. With a good inhalation, your lungs puff up as your diaphragm drops. With a good exhale, your diaphragm rises. If you don't feel this muscle moving, deepen your breaths even more. We can survive weeks 5. Slow it down – Most of us breathe more than 20 times a minute. Work toward breathing just six or eight deep breaths per minute. without food. After doing all this breathing research, I was sold on the benefits and began to consciously practice these simple tips. Bingo! From deep breathing myself to sleep, I wake up refreshed and renewed. My morning walks feel light and breezy. So effortless, I feel I can walk for miles. Extra Credit Idea: Low-demand (aerobic) exercise + deep breathing = a superfat burning workout. We can survive days without water. We can survive 7 minutes The breath is a conduit for our life energy. Deep breathing can resource deeper, underlying emotional issues that need to be healed and can be responsible for addictions (including food and drink which can interfere with weight loss), ill health and potential disease. without oxygen. I’m convinced. How you breathe can be a metaphor for how you live: shallow, labored, uneven, quick, complicated, mindless or to your fullest and deepest. Mare Petras, a veteran of the fitness industry for almost 3 decades is a professional speaker, writer and life coach. She is the author of 3 Fitness Simply books. Mare can be reached online at www.FitnessSimply.com. 46 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 47 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 48 p.m.s. PA R T N E R I N G • M E N T O R I N G • By S J Strock and Linda Firestone S E R V I C E Cynthia Davis It seems that more women are entering the world of finance. How did you come to this industry? Financial Advisor, Merrill Lynch You’re right, the world of finance has traditionally been male-dominated. As firms began diversifying their hiring habits, more women were able to enter the arena. With a young family, I found the demands of the hospitality business very difficult. I took an opportunity to enroll at Lynn University for my MBA. Shortly after sending out my resume to companies that interested me, I was scooped up by a competitor of Merrill Lynch, where I seemed to have a natural ability for taking care of my clients’ investment needs. Were there any specific experiences or situations that propelled you to where you are today? It’s kind of a funny road of fate I’ve been on. I grew up on a farm in Missouri–I knew how to grow food but I didn’t know how to cook it. Regardless, I went to school to become a chef, and then again success came naturally. Late 2005 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the same time, the dynamics of my partnership at the company I was with were changing and I instinctively knew that Merrill Lynch would be the right place for me. I’m grateful for the experiences and business relationships that I cultivated early on, because I was able to gain insight and foresight to where I am today. Did you face obstacles on your journey and how did you overcome them? Cynthia is a woman that exudes a feeling of openness, warmth and trust. Upon meeting her, you just want to share about yourself and you want to know more about her. She is bright, warm, fun and passionate about people. This is a woman anyone would want to call “friend.” Well, sure! It seemed that dealing with cancer; leaving one firm to go to another; and also parting ways with a woman I once considered a mentor of sorts all came down on me at the same time. I took time to re-group, and then I looked at everything that lay ahead of me as a challenge that I could win. I focused on my health. I focused on my family. I focused on my passion, which is working with my clients and taking care of their families’ financial affairs. Do you or did you have a mentor and have you been able to mentor others? My stepmother was the most wonderful person I ever knew. I hope that I’m always mentoring others, whether I know it or not. Every day I feel that there are those to learn from and want to emulate, or those who I might impact in some way. Looking back, is there anything you would have changed or done differently? I used to hold on to self-imposed limitations. Now I know there isn’t anything I can’t do. What advice would you give to other women? Women are great listeners and have the ability to build trust and give advice in all relationships. I would tell them to become more aggressive in business matters and to use those abilities in the corporate world. Continuing to learn, living each day to the fullest and appreciating one another for their differences. 48 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 49 Candy Norton Were there any specific experiences or situations that propelled you to where you are today? After I graduated from the University of Florida with a degree in Communications, I began working for Harte Hank Direct Marketing, The Flyer. I’ve always loved to write and to be around creative people, but at that time I was selling advertising and partnered with Jim. After Jim and I married and our vision for Lifestyle Magazines–having three prestigious publications–came to fruition, it was an opportunity for me to live my dream of sitting in the editor’s chair and working with other writers. Did you face obstacles on your journey and how did you overcome them? We have one son, Devin. Bringing up a pre-teen in today’s world takes a tremendous amount of time and devotion. Devin is the light of my life, and it is sometimes difficult to go to the many social and charitable events that we want to support and still be around for homework help and all the afterschool activities. Somehow, though, I make it work. My nephew, David Goldstein, battled with cancer for fourteen years. He taught me not to sweat the small stuff. Do you or did you have a mentor and have you been able to mentor others? p.m.s. Editorial Director, Lifestyle Magazines Definitely my mother. My parents divorced when I was only eight years old. It wasn’t as common then to be a single mom, but she did it well. Through her I learned the importance of being independent. I am also motivated by the extraordinary people I meet when interviewing or gathering information about events that take place in our community. The magazine is a vehicle that allows others to become more philanthropic. I feel that as an editor I am constantly able to share knowledge and ideas with other writers and to bring awareness to our readers. Looking back, is there anything you would have changed or done differently? No, I wouldn’t. I’ve always felt that my experiences in life have contributed to what and who I am today. What advice would you give to other women? Women are, by nature, caregivers. We care for our parents, our children, our household. Who we sometimes forget to take care of is ourselves. My advice would be to keep a comfortable balance of our very full plates, so you’re not overwhelmed and stressed. And like I said–Don’t sweat the small stuff. When meeting Candy Norton you realize that she is a direct link to all of Broward County’s social, charitable and cultural happenings. She is straightforward in her demeanor and willingness to help out any cause she can through the written word and her networking talents. 49 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 50 Stephanie Norman Co founder and Producing Artistic Director of City Theatre How did you get to be the Producing Artistic Director of City Theatre? I was working at Second City in Chicago when I went home to Florida for a few weeks. I met my husband. I thought, “Why not try this in my own backyard.” I married and became pregnant. I met Elena Wohl, a professional actress who was also pregnant. She and I came up with a crazy idea to produce a new play festival. We joined with Susi Westfall, who had a toddler. We banded together as “mothers on a mission.” We produced 13 plays that summer. It was like lightning struck. Twelve years later, we have produced 200 plays and are known as America’s short play festival. Have you participated in mentoring programs? We have a mentoring program for young playwrights, one of whom who has won several awards. One of the girls who interned here has mentored me with a book my children and I wrote. Our offspring have taken flight and our theatre company has grown by leaps and bounds. We have 8 to12 interns. They crew, run the show, the box office–they do everything. How did you arrive at your concept of partnership? The best ideas come out of collaboration. I bring people to the table that have strengths that I do not have. Our company is known to be incredibly collaborative. Our role here at City Theatre is to bring all these different voices together. p.m.s. Summer07 What are some obstacles you have overcome? I think of myself as a woman entrepreneur. It is a balancing act, especially as a working mother. You want to be the best mother and the best everything, it is hard. I need to focus my energy 110 percent. When I get out of the office and home, I then give 110 percent to my kids, my family. But, I have a great support system. When my original partners left, I wondered if this would be a kitchen table company, or if we were going to institutionalize and have a board. Rather than trying to replicate those same old ideas, the best way to shake it up was to bring in people who were diverse and interesting–who had different life experiences than I had. Would you do anything differently? I don’t think I would. There are many disaster stories, but it’s all good. Do you have any advice you would like to share with other women? Be focused. Follow through or you’ll miss the wonderful moments that come. Follow your passion, be fearless. Work smart, not just hard and be a good listener. Surround yourself with people you can learn from. Manny Azenberg (a producer Stephanie worked for) used to say, “Have big ears and a small mouth.” At the end of the day, it has to be fun or why do it? 50 Bright, articulate, with boundless energy, Stephanie has merged community involvement, entrepreneurship and creative impulses through the unique programming at City Theatre. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 51 p.m.s. Rhonda A. Calhoun Commissioner, the North Broward Hospital District Providing for the good of the community harkens back to her youth. Rhonda watched her father’s participation in their local Church and his dedication to volunteering. Her frame of reference has never wavered. How did you come to be involved with politics and government? When my son was young, we became members of the Coral Springs Jaycees. The next year, I became president–the first female president. In the middle of my term, I found out I was pregnant. I had my daughter Brittney in April and my term ended in May. What experiences or situations propelled you to where you are today? After the Jaycees, I joined the Planning and Zoning Board (PZB) in Coral Springs and quickly became Vice Chair and then Chair and I served on the Economic Development Task force. Then, the Coral Springs City Center opened and I joined the board. I became Vice Chair and then Chair. In 1994, several people and Ralph Diaz from the PZB and his wife urged me to run for City Commissioner–that’s where my politics started. And, I won. I spent my first year as a Commissioner listening and learning and then it was “Look out!” After twelve years, I was termed out. A position at the Broward League of Cities became available. I thought it would be a great transition from public political life to the private municipal life. That is my “real job” now–I am the Executive Director of the Broward League of Cities. How do you use partnering, sharing, mentoring to accomplish your goals? As an elected official, your resources are limited. It is imperative to partner with others. If you can enhance [an existing] program, there is no better way to go than partnering. As City Commissioner, I would go to the schools, one of my favorite things to do. I would speak about city government and how to become a Commissioner. One of my best qualities is my leadership skills: I have the capacity to get others excited about a project. Did you have a mentor? In the initial stage of my career, Ralph Diaz was my mentor. I have always found someone I respect that I can learn from. Now, as a member of the North Broward Hospital District Board of Commissioners, I am working with a wonderful man, Alan Levine. It has been very rewarding. What obstacles have you had to overcome along the way? My parents divorced when I was 7. We lived with my father, which was unusual for that time. In the halls of the Catholic school, everyone would whisper, “Oh there’s THAT girl.” But, I joined the Girl’s Club–that’s where I met my first mentor, Adelle Couture. She helped me find something in myself. What advice can you offer other women? Do not base who you are and what you can do upon gender. There is so much to achieve. One thing I would do differently–I would finish college. It is competitive now. You need an edge and sometimes leadership skills are not enough. 51 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 52 H A P P I N E S S find your prince What To Look Out For When Dating By Donna Spangler Look for positive qualities, including honesty at all times, dependability so you know you can count on him, politeness in that he is a gentleman to you and others around him, respectful and does not use foul language around you. A good guy does not make you feel uncomfortable or defensive, respects your feelings, he is thoughtful in that he remembers special days like your birthday, financially responsible in that he pays his bills on time and does not over-extend himself and does not ask you to participate in paying his bills, emotionally secure and does not continually criticize others, has good manners, is generous and unselfish. When dating, there are things that you can look for to determine if he will be a good Avoid these dangerous warning signs: There are also other very important things that you should be especially wary of before even considering connecting with a man. The key is to have confidence in yourself in trusting any instinct that you may have about the person. Beware of these warning signals: partner or not. The key is to trust any instinct that you may have about the person, keeping your 1. A Married Man: Married men may be intriguing but in the long run they will not make good partners. Even if they leave their wives to be with you, you will never be able to trust that he will be faithful to you. Stay Clear! eyes and ears open for warning signs. How do I know? He will usually be vague about his situation. He will make excuses why he can only see you occasionally and seldom on holidays. He will give you very little information on how to contact him. 2. Substance Abuser: It is most important not to get involved with this type of individual. He can be abusive in other ways as well as lying, cheating, stealing and will never show responsibility to the importance of your relationship unless you are participating or providing him with the substances. How would I know? Asking you to do drugs or seeing him drinking day and night clearly shows they have a strong obsession or even an addiction. He shows strange or abnormal behavior either talking too fast, slurring his words, making illogical statements, exhibiting sketchy or strange 52 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 53 behavior, showing erratic posture or gait, and may go for periods of time when you don’t hear from him. 3. Abusive Guy: Whether verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually or spiritually, this is a particularly dangerous group of guys. They can really tear away your self esteem, so stay clear. How do you know? This includes guys that try to force you to give up your friends, change your religious beliefs, demean you in front of others, or do anything that could be considered abusive, like hitting or berating. 4. Obsessive Guy: He contacts you excessively to the point of making you feel uncomfortable. How do I know? He calls you far too often for no real reasons. He really wants to know what you are doing because of his own insecurity and will ask you about your every move. 5. A guy who wants to have you pay for the date: These are among the worst type of guy. If he doesn’t think enough of you to be the man to pay for his date, then he isn’t worth your time since he will be selfish in the same way in many other aspects. How do I know? He will say, “You gonna help with the check?” 6. Messy Guy: A guy who is disheveled and does not put time into his hygiene or overall appearance. This means he doesn’t care about himself, so why should he care about you? How do I know? He comes to the date with a messy appearance and may have stained clothes, be sloppily attired or even a malodor. His car is dirty or smelly or both. 7. Lying Guy: No one wants to be with a guy who is dishonest. How do I know? You will always seem to catch him in lies. Things he says just don’t add up and he will always find excuses or weak explanations for something that just does not appeal to our logic. 8. He is a heavy gambler: This can be a very financially draining habit and a partner of this sort is not good for the long haul. Although it can be exciting when he is winning, there is always the down side of the “Gambler” because no one ends up a winner if they gamble long enough! Losers make sad dates and partners. How do I know? He is always placing bets. He is addicted to going to the race track, Vegas or betting parlors. He talks about his next win like it is a fix. 9. Jealous Guy: If a guy you are dating shows signs of jealously early on, it is a precursor to problems. A bit of healthy enthusiasm should not be confused with the uncomfortable feeling of someone who is jealous. How do I know? On the first or second date he may ask why you are looking in a certain direction, or worse, implies that there is another guy that you are looking at. He seems overly concerned about what other people around you are seeing and how he thinks you are reacting to them. 10.Guys that are overly attached to their kids: This type of guy will always put you second or third on the list. There are guys that make their children their whole world, especially daughters. How do I know? The guy talks about his kids constantly. The world seems to revolve around them. The guy will usually not make a move without the approval of the child, or may be fearful they may not approve of you as a mate…run, don’t walk! Donna Spangler is a Beverly Hills-based Relationship Expert and Advice Columnist, and author of How To Get A Rich Man. She can be reached online at www.donnaspangler.net. 53 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 54 H A P P I N E S S get organized for vacation and beyond Make a Smoother Landing into Reality After Vacation By Betsy Fein After a vacation where the biggest worry was avoiding sunburn, coming home to disarray can bring back all the stress a family was trying to escape. Getting organized to go on vacation can be a tedious chore. But, returning to piles of dirty laundry, a dusty house and an empty refrigerator can abruptly end any afterglow from the break. Getting back to reality can be stressful, with parents having to go right back to work, and kids going back to school or camp. But, easing that transition can actually be a simple process by following some of these tips before leaving for vacation: • Have outfits picked out and all ready to go for the week after vacation. You can buy a days-of-the-week hanging storage divider for the closet. • Make sure the cars have a full tank of gas. • Pre-cook meals, such as lasagnas or casseroles, and freeze them, or go to a www.letsdish.com type location for preassembled meals. • Have a plan for recovery before you leave. Set up reminders, to-dos and meetings before you get away. Answer all your e-mail and let people know you’re going to be away. • Delegate family members to help out with the transition by assigning tasks to do upon return, such as sorting mail, unpacking suitcases, etc. • Take out the trash and tidy up the house. • Pay all the bills. • Take advantage of laundry services during your vacation, or separate laundry into darks and lights while away. Everyone wants a good balance between work and play, and making the right preparations for a vacation can ensure that vacation is really about play and not stress. The following checklist can make everything run smoother before, during, and after vacation, to reduce stress and achieve the goal of fun and great memories. 3 Months Ahead: • Check the valid dates on your passports. If passports need to be renewed, normal processing time is estimated at six weeks. Apply for visas. Don’t forget visa requirements for the countries you are planning to visit. • Notify your credit card companies. They should know you’ll be traveling so they will expect charges from your destination. Also, check the valid dates and available spending amounts. Make sure the dates will remain valid and ask for a spending amount increase if needed. • Take care of medical and dental check-ups and vaccinations. Check the Center for Disease Control’s Traveler’s Health site (www.cdc.gov/travel) to see if inoculations are required for travel. • Make flight and hotel reservations. • Look into travel insurance. 1 Month Ahead: • Check your driver’s license. Make sure it will remain valid while you’re traveling. • Make an arrangement with neighbors, friends or relatives to check your home from time to time. • Set up an e-mail account you can use around the world. Keep it separate from the originals while you are traveling. 3 Weeks Ahead: • Purchase automatic light timers to switch on and off in the evening. • Purchase travelers checks. Record their serial numbers and keep a copy at home. 54 • Arrange for someone to start your car during very cold or very hot weather. • Arrange for pet care. If your pet is traveling with you, make sure it is current with its shots. • Start breaking in new shoes (if any) you’ll be taking with you on your trip. • If traveling by car, get the car serviced. It may take time to get parts that may be need to be ordered and to drive around to make sure that whatever was fixed stays fixed. 1 Week Ahead: • Make arrangements to purchase some foreign currency if you are traveling abroad. • Get a telephone calling card. • Arrange travel to the airport if you aren’t driving. • Update luggage tags. • Alert the alarm company if you have one. • Leave destination information with your relatives and friends. • Cancel power, phone, newspaper delivery, and re-direct mail. • Reconfirm flight and departure times. • Put your valuables and jewelry in a safety deposit box. • Hire someone to mow the lawn and water the plants. • Pay all the bills. • Get prescriptions refilled. • Reduce the amount of food you buy. Milk, fruit and other perishables will have to be thrown out the day you leave. On The Day You Leave: • Lock all windows and doors. • Turn your refrigerator to its lowest setting or turn it off. • Turn water heater down to the lowest setting. • Close blinds and curtains on ground level. • Unplug computer. • Ensure you have the passports, tickets, credit cards and travelers checks. • Set the auto reply message on your e-mail and update your voice message at work. Have a great trip! Betsy Fein is the President of Clutterbusters!! She can be reached online at www.clutterbusters.com. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 55 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 56 H A P P I N E S S change your words, change your life Language and the Pursuit of Happiness Experts in the field of language and the power of the mind answer with an emphatic, “Yes!” Both the words we speak out loud and the silent ones we think play a pivotal role. Language and conversations, spoken and unspoken, are primary keys to happiness, experts agree. By Jill H. Lawrence Countless self-help books profess to tell us how to achieve happiness, but many of the approaches and interpretations have one thing in common they don’t seem to work! If the goal is long-term happiness, many of those techniques don’t get us there. According to certified personal coach and author Chalmers Brothers, there is a deep and powerful leverage point for achieving happiness in our lives…and it’s so close, we often don’t see it. “Hear” yourself thinking In his book Language and the Pursuit of Happiness, Brothers presents an innovative and solidly effective approach for creating the happiness that seems to elude so many of us. His message is straightforward: the words we say to others and the words we think to ourselves are creating our future continuously whether we’re aware of it or not. Our conversations literally create the amount of happiness or unhappiness we experience in our lives. If we are dissatisfied with our lives, at work or at home or anywhere in between, we can bring about profound changes by changing our words, he affirms. Can we think and speak our way to a better life? Do the words we Where do we begin? speak and the thoughts we think Brothers advises we take five key steps: 1. Become a conscious observer of yourself and the words you use. Notice how your internal and external conversations lead to many different kinds of outcomes, situations and experiences. Begin to notice how they set limits and establish boundaries, as well as “move” you to action. This is the fundamental starting point. In Brothers’ words, “You can’t change what you don’t see.” have the power to make us happy or unhappy? Is it really possible to improve our lives just by being more 2. Take responsibility as the author of your own conversations, both internal and external. This includes taking responsibility for the unique way you “see things” – which has everything to do with your language and very little to do with your eyes! aware of what we say and think? 3. Allow yourself to analyze the limits you have unintentionally set for yourself and to question your historical way of looking at things. Do your words encourage unlimited possibilities? Do your interpretations empower you or paralyze you? Do they serve to build and sustain mutually beneficial relationships, or close doors and limit options? 4. Learn to view your moods as moods, as opposed to “the way things are.” And understand the connections, which exist among your language both spoken and unspoken, your moods and emotions, and your physical body. 5. Learn and practice the six primary “language tools” for creating more balance, peacefulness and productivity in your life. Brothers emphasizes that the fundamental key to both purposeful change and to creating happiness is awareness. “I support people in becoming conscious about what they’re doing, how they listen and the words they speak,” he explains. “I invite them to use the leverage for change that they 56 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 57 already have – by better understanding the powerful inter-dependency that exists among their language, their moods and emotions, and their physical body. Many of us, he points out, are on auto-pilot; that is, doing what we do and creating results in our lives without really being aware we’re doing so. The key question becomes: are you producing the results you want? If so, continue on! Keep going. If not, self-awareness is the place to begin…but you must have enough courage to take a look.” • Ask for what you want; make effective, clear requests of others. Avoid expectations and assumptions; instead, operate with clear commitments and agreements. • Be open to learning throughout your whole life – this includes learning about yourself. • Be open to both positive and negative feedback about how others see you. To discount negative feedback out of hand means you’re going blindly through life. It takes emotional strength to listen to the negative, but the information you glean can be of tremendous personal value. Brothers points out that we are each creating the quality of our lives moment by moment, day by day, whether we’re aware of it or not. If you want more happiness, he asserts, then become more aware of what you’re saying and thinking. Observe your external and internal dialogues. Notice their impact on your moods and emotions, as well as on your physical body. How do you feel, how do you walk, sit, stand, breathe and move? If you discover you’re saying words that don’t take you toward happiness, then change your words. “Invent some new interpretations, update some beliefs, create some new conversations, take some new action,” he says. • Develop the ability to laugh at yourself. Humor and lightness are great friends of change and learning. • Pay attention to the language you use and the conversations you have as they relate to the emotional and physical aspects of your important relationships. Mark Twain said, “I’m always in conversation and sometimes other people are involved.” He went right to the heart of the matter, as usual, by noticing the degree to which our “inner voice” is rarely silent. Language is what it’s all about. Key points to remember • Becoming a conscious observer of yourself, your language and the world, is the starting point for all change. Remember: “You can’t change what you don’t notice!” You can decide what kind of life you want to live, and you can use language to take you to that life. Words are powerful things. After all, “In the beginning, there was the Word.” The Gospel of John reminds us of a great truth: you can create your life with words just as the world itself was created in the beginning…with The Word. Speak and think words to create your world – your happiest possible world. Why on earth not? • You are responsible for the quality of your own life and the content of your own interpretations. You are the author of the “stories” you tell yourself and others. No one else is to blame. • Your internal and external conversations define you; they set your limits and establish possibilities. Jill H. Lawrence is the president of Ruby Slippers, Inc., a communications company that specializes in publications, radio broadcasting and public relations initiatives. She can be reached online at jill@rubyslippersinc.com. Language and the Pursuit of Happiness,” by Chalmers Brothers is published by New Possibilities Press (www.chalmersbrothers.com). • Your language, your moods/emotions and your physical body are profoundly interconnected and inter-dependent. Each of these impacts and influences the other two. 57 Summer07 6/14/07 T I M E 11:33 AM Page 58 O U T summer retreats for relaxation and adventure! By Donna Mantone Adinolfi Are you ready to nourish your soul and soothe your senses? Take time this summer to relax and play. Find your inner child and explore someplace new or take another look at an old favorite and live in each moment of your adventure. It’s your life’s adventure--enjoy and be ever present. We’ve included a couple of east coast locations to consider for your summer vacation and personal renewal. Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM Page 59 Spa at Sea Island Sea Island, GA The Spa at Sea Island opened in November 2006 and is located between Jacksonville, Florida and Savannah, Georgia. The beauty of their white sand beach and nature preserve, not to mention their pleasing year-round weather conditions, has been drawing guests for more than 75 years. Mostly known for The Cloister, Sea Island also offers accommodations at The Lodge as well as their Cottages. At 65,000 square feet, The Spa at Sea Island is a destination in itself. With 23 treatment rooms, an amazing array of spa services and treatments, Pilates studios, yoga, strength and cardio, squash courts, an indoor pool, a nutrition program, a naturalist and over 100 fitness classes and more, there are many options for staying active and for relaxation. In addition to all that is offered at The Spa, there is an abundance of other outdoor activities for relaxation and renewal including kayaking, sailing, shelling, dance classes, horseback riding at the beach or trail ride, bicycle riding, golf and tennis. In addition to fitness and pampering opportunities, another unique feature at Sea Island is their Cooking School and a calendar of classes can be found on their website. Two that I found of interest include Cooking Healthy Together and A Taste of Tuscany. And speaking of cooking, Sea Island offers an amazing number of dining options from casual to exquisite. This destination is casually elegant and offers an abundance of opportunities to fulfill every need for a summer vacation and lifestyle. Mayflower Inn & Spa Washington, CT The Spa is the new addition to this 30-room New England Inn, which is located less than two hours from New York City and has been getting rave reviews from both amateur and seasoned spa-goers. The new destination spa program offers a 3, 4 or 5-night option from Sunday to Thursday and includes accommodations, healthy meals and unlimited access to treatments, services and classes–a unique feature of the program. Weekend stays from Friday to Sunday are a la carte. The Mayflower Inn & Spa offers a nurturing environment to inspire and to unite body, mind and spirit. The 20,000-square-foot spa offers an array of services and treatments as well as active and meditative offerings including personalized sessions, Pilates, yoga, dance and music therapy. With 58 acres to explore, you’re sure to find plenty of active outdoor opportunities including tennis, Zen fly fishing, ballooning, horseback riding and more. Small or one-on-one fitness classes are offered and guests are contacted prior to arrival to discuss their fitness, pampering and well-being goals. Classic style, five star accommodations, and a comfortable and revitalizing setting await you in New England this summer and beyond. For more information, please visit: www.seaisland.com www.mayflowerinn.com Donna Mantone Adinolfi–Travel Editor donna@balancemagazine.com 59 Summer07 6/14/07 11:33 AM E V E R Y D A Y Page 60 R I T U A L S Summertime, the perfect time to acknowledge our accomplishments made during the first half of the year and to declare our focus for the second half of 2007. In addition to determining if we are on track with our desires, acknowledging our accomplishments is a powerful daily ritual. There is an energy, a momentum to acknowledging success along the way that moves us toward our goal. Here is what I wrote about it in my book, Choose Peace & Happiness: A 52-Week Guide. honoring the sacred in everyday life Acknowledge Your Accomplishments “Acknowledging accomplishments is an important element of the creative process. In 1982 when I studied with Robert Fritz (author of The Path of Least Resistance and a creator of DMA, a powerful course in developing the powers of our consciousness in creating our reality), I learned about the importance of acknowledging our accomplishments. He described the creative process as having three major components, as follows: By Susyn Reeve • Germination – an inner process where the seed of an idea is planted in the fertile soil of our consciousness (the idea to write a book). • Assimilation – when we begin to see the fruits of the seeds we have germinated in our daily life (a book proposal is written; the proposal is sent to publishers; a book contract is signed; the manuscript is completed and sent to the publisher). • Completion – acknowledgement of the completion of the creation (yippy, I completed my book proposal; I’m so glad I spoke with my friend’s publisher about taking a look at my proposal: Y E S, I have a book contract, thank you God, Loving Power of the Universe, for guiding my way). He told us that in his research of composers, all of whom had the artistic and technical skills to compose music, the difference between the ones who were successful and the ones who were not successful was that successful composers demonstrated all three steps of the creative process. Some people had great ideas and stopped there; others had ideas and took action; and it was the people who had ideas, took action and acknowledged their accomplishments who experienced success. We feel good when we acknowledge our accomplishments but many of us are not skilled at doing this. We have more practice focusing our attention on what didn’t work, or what is left to be done. We acknowledge, but what we acknowledge is what is lacking. Think about it, have you ever completed ten items on your daily to-do list and at the end of the day your mind is filled with the two items you didn’t complete? This drains our energy, the life force right out of us. When we focus on and acknowledge our accomplishments, the “force is with us,” which gives us the energy to move with grace and ease and at the end of the day we feel alive and good about who we are. Not only does this enhance our personal well-being, it also contributes loving energy to the collective consciousness of peace and happiness in the world. Each and every moment 60 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 61 we have 100% power to choose what we think and where we focus our attention (this is actually the only place we have this kind of power), so acknowledge your accomplishments. Go back and take a look at the resolutions you declared at the beginning of this New Year and write down your accomplishments. This includes the steps you have taken along the way to support your dreams, desires and goals. You may have discovered that what you had thought of as your goal in January changed by the time May rolled around. This awareness is an accomplishment. It doesn’t mean that you don’t follow through, it means that with new information you changed course. So acknowledge this evolution of your goal. At the beginning of last year I was certain that I was going to complete a novel I had begun. Then, for a variety of reasons as the year moved along, I stopped working on the novel and began a new project and actually wrote a new book, WITH Forgiveness ~ Are You Ready? Now from one point of view I could be disappointed in myself for not completing what I said I was going to do. The disappointment would undoubtedly drain my energy. Instead, because I practice a daily ritual of recognizing my accomplishments, I was grateful for the writing I had completed on my novel as well as the steps I began to take to launch my WITH Forgiveness project. To incorporate this practice of acknowledging your accomplishments into your life, here are some exercises for you to use as part of your daily ritual. Practice them this summer and adapt them so that you honor your accomplishments each and every day as sacred acts and stepping stones in creating the life of your dreams. 1. At the end of the day write down five things you have accomplished. Do this every day or whenever you are questioning your ability to get things done or feeling blue. This exercise is less about the magnitude of your achievement and more about you seeing yourself through the eyes of accomplishment. For some of you this will be like wearing new glasses; you may not be used to them at first, but suddenly your vision will be clear. 2. Choose an Accomplishment Symbol (based on Robert Fritz’ Symbolic Gesture). An Accomplishment Symbol is something that you normally do each day that you endow with the power to represent an accomplishment. Your Accomplishment Symbol may be: brushing your teeth, washing your face, shaving, having breakfast, getting out of bed – remember it is something you are already doing, NOT something you think you should be doing. Since 1982 my Accomplishment Symbol has been brushing my teeth. The association between accomplishment and brushing my teeth is now so strong that I go to bed and wake up feeling a sense of accomplishment simply by brushing my teeth, even if it is just a glimmer on some days, the energy of accomplishment is there. There have been some days that just getting the toothbrush to my mouth felt like a major effort. So I would just wet it a bit, not even use toothpaste and still I would go to bed thinking, well I brushed my teeth today, I accomplished something! 3. Use self-talk (talking to yourself) to acknowledge your accomplishments. You might look in the mirror and say: “Good for me today: I wrote, exercised at the gym and prepared the material for the class I am teaching tomorrow.” While waiting in line at the supermarket you might say to yourself: “I got a lot done today: I sent a birthday gift to my mom, I paid my bills, I went to the gym and I am getting the weekly supermarket shopping done right now.” While you are on hold on the phone you might say to yourself, “I’ve accomplished a lot today: I went to the barber, I saw my son’s school play and I spoke with the mortgage broker about refinancing our mortgage at a lower rate.” 4. Brag to three people about your accomplishments. 5. Get yourself a treat to celebrate your accomplishments. It may be a bouquet of flowers, that new song you’ve wanted to download, a massage, or a swim in the ocean at the end of day. 6. Acknowledge something of value in each encounter you have. See everything you do today through the eyes of accomplishment. Sometimes when I am stuck in traffic and on the verge of giving the steering wheel of my life over to impatience, I remind myself of this great opportunity to practice patience; and I acknowledge myself for turning lemons into lemonade. Becoming the greatest lemonade maker in the world is a deed worth celebrating! 7. Write in your journal your reflections on acknowledging your accomplishments. What did you accomplish? What did you learn? How can you keep your muscle of acknowledging accomplishments firm, strong and well-toned? Do It. Susyn Reeve can be reached online at www.withforgiveness.com. 61 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 62 R E L A T I O N - T I P S reclaim family time How to Balance Youth Sports and Family Life By Brooke de Lench Raising sports-active kids is difficult, perhaps more today than ever before. Parents feel pressure to help their kids succeed. They want to keep up with other parents in an increasingly winner-take-all society. Too often, parents just like you feel that if they don’t do everything for their child, they are bad parents. In fact, surveys show that today’s sports-active kids and their parents get too caught up in the crazy sports vortex. Today’s parents spend eleven hours fewer a week with their teenagers than they did two decades ago. The average mother spends less than a half hour per day talking with her teens. Only six out of ten 15 and 16 year olds regularly eat dinner with their parents. Family vacations are down by 28 percent. Sports have replaced church on Sunday for many families. Children are being benched for missing practice to be with their families on religious holidays. Surveys also show that your children most likely lament the lack of parental attention. They want to spend more time with you, not less. They want more free time, not less. 62 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 63 I sincerely believe it’s time to reclaim our family time. Here’s how you can find a balance between your children’s youth sport activities and your family life. Six Tips on Finding Balance Between Youth Sports and Family Life: 1. Schedule family time. Set aside one night a week or month as Family Game Night. Choose a board game, play card games, make tacos, and just be together. Make it sacred time. 2. Consider your travel time. Before you allow your children to play a particular sport, or on a particular team, consider your travel time to practices and games. Other things to consider include: your work schedule as well as your spouse’s, your children’s school schedule and homework demands, carpool availability, and the needs of other family members. 3. Look for balanced sports programs. Look for leagues and clubs that balance sports, family and school life. Make sure the program emphasizes having fun more than winning. Children shouldn’t be penalized for missing practice on Christmas Eve to be with their family. 4. Find a balance between sports. Introduce your children to sports such as golf, tennis, squash, racquetball, cycling, sailing, windsurfing, rock climbing, jogging, kayaking, rowing, or canoeing that they can enjoy after their competitive careers are over. Encourage your children to engage in sports and activities with you as long as they enjoy them, like bike riding, hiking, skating, sailing and running. Encourage them to play different sports and avoid early specialization. It will help them develop a variety of transferable motor skills such as jumping, running, twisting and simultaneously reduce the risk of overuse injuries that too often result from early focus on one activity. 5. Allow for a social life outside of sports. Being on a travel or select team often requires a year-round or near year-round commitment and extensive travel. If you allow your children to participate, they can end up socially isolated from the family, their peers and the larger community. The athletic role can become so consuming and controlling that their childhood essentially disappears. Early specialization can thus interfere with normal identity development, increasing the risk that a child will develop what psychologists call a one-dimensional self-concept in which they see themselves solely as an athlete instead of that being just a part of who they are. 6. Coach your child’s team on “kid time.” Too many parents fall victim to the idea that practices have to happen after an adult’s workday is over. This falls during the dinner hour, when children should be spending time with their family. With the new statistics of parents (primarily mothers) working from home, why not get your coaching license and run the practice in the afternoon right after school is over? This will give you time to be with your children and their friends and still be home in time for dinner with the rest of the family. It is possible to create balance within your family’s everyday life, even with children who participate in sports. But it is up to you as the parents to make certain that your kids don’t over-schedule and that they establish the right priorities. Brooke de Lench is a Youth Sports Parenting Expert and author of Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports. She can be reached online at www.momsteam.com. 63 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 64 Dear EarthTalk: E A R T H T A L K I see so much waste in packaging every day--from water in self-serve bottles to all the foil and cardboard you have to break through to get to a new print cartridge. What is being done to make packaging more “green friendly,” including cutting out as much of it as possible? -- Jeanne L., Canton, CT Thanks to forward-thinking action by the European Union (EU), people around the world are beginning to recognize that wasteful packaging puts unnecessary stress on the environment. In 1994 the EU issued a “Directive on Packaging and Packaging Waste,” putting the responsibility of waste reduction and reclamation on manufacturers instead of on retailers, consumers and local governments. Dear EarthTalk: The program, popularly known as “Producer Pays” or “Extended Producer Responsibility,” requires product makers to either take back their packaging (consumers can leave it behind in the store or send it back in the mail at the producers’ expense), or pay a fee to an organization called “Green Dot” that will handle it for them. “Green Dot” is now the standard takeback program in two-dozen European countries. I’ve seen those images of polar bears stranded on small islands of ice and heard that some are now dying by drowning. How are other wildlife populations affected by global warming ?- -Jessie Walters, via e-mail Most researchers agree that even small changes in temperature are enough to send hundreds if not thousands of already struggling species into extinction unless we can stem the tide of global warming. And time may be of the essence: A 2003 study published in the journal Nature concluded that 80 percent of some 1,500 wildlife species sampled are already showing signs of stress from climate change. According to Bette Fishbein of INFORM, Inc., a nonprofit environmental research organization based in the U.S., the concept has “spread like wildfire” and has been adopted by many industrialized nations—including Poland, Hungary, the Czech Republic, Japan, Korea and Taiwan— but not yet by the United States, which could certainly benefit. According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) annual generation of municipal solid waste in the U.S. increased from 88 million tons in 1960 to 229 million tons in 2001, with containers and packaging making up almost a third of the weight. The key impact of global warming on wildlife is habitat displacement, whereby ecosystems that animals have spent millions of years adapting to shift quickly. Ice giving way to water in polar bear habitat is just one example of this. Another, according to The Washington Post, is the possibility that warmer spring temperatures could dry up critical breeding habitat for waterfowl in the prairie pothole region, a stretch of land between northern Iowa and central Alberta. Maine has followed the European model and initiated its own “Producer Pays” program; the first in the U.S. Maine requires electronics makers to fund consolidation centers where used TV and computer monitors are sent. According to the state’s Department of Environmental Protection, “Maine’s electronic waste recycling law…is a national model, as it protects our environment, saves taxpayers money and puts costs where they belong to encourage safe design and recycling of electronic wastes.” Affected wildlife populations can sometimes move into new spaces and continue to thrive. But concurrent human population growth means that many land areas that might be suitable for such “refugee wildlife” are already taken and cluttered with residential and industrial development. A recent report by the Pew Center for Global Climate Change suggests creating “transitional habitats” or “corridors” that help migrating species by linking natural areas that are otherwise separated by human settlement. Some U.S. companies are also taking initiative. Microsoft worked with Packaging 2.0, a packaging solutions company that recycles used materials into new packaging, to develop an environmentally responsible and reusable package for its line of GPS consumer electronics products. And a number of other companies, including Unilever, Johnson & Johnson, Kraft Foods, Microsoft and Nike, have come together under the umbrella of the Sustainable Packaging Coalition, a project of the non-profit GreenBlue, and released a guide for designers and developers to assist them in designing sustainable packaging. Beyond habitat displacement, many scientists agree that global warming is causing a shift in the timing of various natural cyclical events in the lives of animals. Many birds have altered the timing of long-held migratory and reproductive routines to better sync up with a warming climate. And some hibernating animals are ending their slumbers earlier each year, perhaps due to warmer spring temperatures. To make matters worse, recent research contradicts the long-held hypothesis that different species coexisting in a particular ecosystem respond to global warming as a single entity. Instead, different species sharing like habitat are responding in dissimilar ways, tearing apart ecological communities millennia in the making. In February 2008, Wal-Mart will implement a “packaging scorecard” to measure and evaluate its entire supply chain. Goals include using less packaging and using more sustainable materials in packaging. According to Wal-Mart, the company is already beginning to make headway. “By reducing the packaging on one of our patio sets,” says the company website, “we were able to use 400 fewer shipping containers to deliver them. We created less trash, and saved our customers a bundle while doing it.” And as wildlife species go their separate ways, humans can also feel the impact. A World Wildlife Fund study found that a northern exodus from the United States to Canada by some types of warblers led to a spread of mountain pine beetles that destroy economically productive balsam fir trees. Similarly, a northward migration of caterpillars in the Netherlands has eroded some forests there. REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION: E/The Environmental Magazine, www.emagazine.com According to Defenders of Wildlife, some of the wildlife species hardest hit so far by global warming include caribou (reindeer), arctic foxes, toads, polar bears, penguins, gray wolves, tree swallows, painted turtles and salmon. The group fears that unless we take decisive steps to reverse global warming, more and more species will join the list of wildlife populations pushed to the brink of extinction by a changing climate. Pew Center for Global Climate Change – www.pewclimate.org Defenders of Wildlife – www.defenders.org Green Dot – www.packaging-waste.com INFORM – www.informinc.org Sustainable Packaging Coalition – www.sustainablepackaging.org 64 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 65 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 66 health • wealth • happiness R E A D E R S ’ C H O I C E A heart attack can be a life-affirming wake-up call and many women find their life afterward to be better than before. This book provides heart attack survivors with a multi-faceted approach to preventing subsequent heart attacks. Learn about your heart, heart attack treatments and key steps to recuperation and in case of another heart attack, what to do in an emergency. Many chapters are filled with vital information on high blood pressure, diabetes, weight control, diet and exercise. The Feel Good Fund, Inc. was founded in memory of Amy Turner Tunick. An author, columnist and entrepreneur, Amy wrote “The Feel Good Column” for the Sun Times newspaper. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in 2002 at the age of 44. Amy defied the odds and lived 31 months after the diagnosis. This book is a compilation of columns written over a period of 4 years where she incorporated her own experiences, journey and process of living with cancer. Author Harvey M. Kramer MD and Charlotte Libov (M. Evans & Company) Author Ellen Jaffe and Marilyn Tunick (The Feel Good Fund) Money is the #1 problem couples face. All couples have their own complex relationship with money; how they organize and pay their bills, how they balance their checkbook and most importantly, how they spend and save their hard-earned dollars. It’s no secret that money issues can cause conflict in even the healthiest relationships. This book teaches couples how they get the most of their lives together by understanding their financial tendencies and charting a course for their future. Executive coaching is soaring in popularity and savvy execs recognize the value. This book describes the key principles of effective coaching with real-life cases drawn from actual coaching projects. It covers the potential value of coaching; guidelines and tools and key steps of the process. Coaching is not about changing your leadership style; it’s about making you more aware of your own patterns, more sensitive to others’ interests and better able to make powerful choices in every situation. Author Bambi Holzer (AMACON) Author Joan Kofodimos (Davies-Black) You know he’s wrong for you, but you keep going back. He can’t leave his wife right now. He’s never invited you to his home. Whether you’re trying to start something, keep it going, enjoy the sex or call it quits altogether, this book is full of straightforward, manure-free wit and wisdom. This book stands apart from the traditional warm and fuzzy, hearts and butterflies relationship books. Michele gives you very honest, very direct and very funny advice. Did you know that everything we do comes from language? Discover a powerful new way of understanding your language, your relationships, your results and–most importantly–your self. This book zeroes in on specific ways you can improve your thoughts and words to create happiness. Language and conversations are profoundly creative–not passive and descriptive. Words are powerful tools. Your language speaks volumes! The key is to think and speak words that create a life of balance, effectiveness and fulfillment. Author Michele Hickford (Hickford Press) Author Chalmers Brothers (New Possibilities Press) 66 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 67 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 68 H A P P I N E S S Break That Habit It could be a niggling discomfort that first alerts you. Or it could be that one Your Habits Shape day out of the blue you notice you Who You Are Today aren’t where you’d like to be. Spend a By Angela Rossmanith little time looking closely at how you spend your time and you realize that a lot of it is being frittered away on habits You are your habits that aren’t all that helpful. Your hopes It’s an alarming fact that your habits shape who you are today. The big and little things you do day after day, week after week, help mold your consciousness and determine your direction. The question is whether you’re happy with where you are right now. and dreams remain unrealized, but you keep on doing the little things that take One of the difficult things about habits is that they become so much a part of your daily life you can easily overlook them. They are simply “what you do.” You always have a muffin with your eleven-o’clock coffee. You always get together with the same bunch of friends on Saturday morning. You always sit down to watch television when you’re having dinner. Over time, habits can become ritual, and ritual gives you a sense of safety and security. There’s nothing wrong with that. But when you feel unsettled, when you feel you aren’t achieving what you’d like, when life seems dry and meaningless, all those habits could do with a good hard look. up your time and sap your energy. Don’t let habits distract you The fear of failure lies deep within the psyches of human beings. Poor habits, the ones that distract you and help you fritter away valuable time and energy, can be a form of protection from learning that you just don’t cut it. Who wants to find that out? And poor habits can also mask the fear that you have nothing to offer after all. At least they keep you busy. Good vs. Bad Why are some habits “good” while others are “bad”? Your answer to that depends on your personal ideas about how you should spend your time and where you should direct your energies. For one woman, playing computer games at night is a way to unwind after a hard day’s work: “It’s fun, and it helps me to sleep better,” she says. For another, it’s a distraction from what urgently needs attention, a “shadow comfort” that leaves her feeling frustrated and drained of energy. Same habit, different motivation and result. Good habits spring from awareness and intention. They are best based on honesty, which requires that you ask yourself exactly why you want to commit to a particular course of action. To be truly committed, you need a strong sense of motivation. Once you know what it is you want to achieve or work towards, decide on a specific practice. You aim to write a family history, and the way it will get done is if you take time to research and write. You get up early every day of the week to dedicate an hour to it before you leave for work. Good habit. Shine a light on any poor habit and ask yourself what you gain from it. What does it keep you from doing? What is it a substitute for? Is the habit something you want to continue? With an open mind and questioning, what will emerge are the fears and anxieties that sabotage your hopes and dreams. Their calls for attention and relief sidetrack you into habits you find hard to recognize, let alone break. You want to feel fit, so you take an hour’s brisk walk every second day, whatever the weather. Good habit. You want to find out more about yourself, work out how you’d enjoy spending your life, so you write in your journal as soon as you wake. Nothing interferes with your journal time. Good habit. An Australian artist who recently held an exhibition talked about her determination to achieve this goal. “Exhibiting my work is what I’ve always wanted to do,” she said, “yet you’d never know it sometimes. Over the years I’ve managed to find all manner of diversions to keep me occupied, because I’ve been afraid I might fall on my face. It can be easier to say you’re an artist preparing for an exhibition than to expose yourself by actually having one.” In these instances, you’ve established an “intentional practice” which relies on consistency, because habits only form when you keep doing them over and over again. Forget about outcomes, expect no sudden changes, and enjoy your new habits. You’re practicing a life that’s shaping you into who you really want to be. 68 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 69 Summer07 6/14/07 V E R Y 11:34 AM Page 70 P R I V A T E go with the heart By Jacqui Brandwynne “We had a really good partnership for more than thirteen years,” said Peter about his second marriage, “but it all went awry when my wife went through an endless midlife crisis.” Two years later they were divorced. Now in his sixties, Peter reduced his consulting work, took time out for travel and explored a number of relationships. Enjoying single life for a few years, he admitted to feeling quite lonely at times. That’s when a call from his ex-wife asking for help because of medical problems occurred. Since they had remained friends, he responded positively and was surprised how much he liked spending time with her. Over the next six months they gingerly explored getting back together. Then, at a business meeting, he met a woman that intrigued him. The attraction was mutual. Both single and living in the same town, they started seeing each other. Right from the beginning Peter was honest about exploring the possibility of reuniting with his ex-wife. His new friend seemed quite understanding and suggested they simply explore a friendship and give Peter time to gain clarity about his situation. The conflict and how to resolve it: Catherine was a journalist. She lost her husband in her forties and literally avoided serious dating for fifteen years, claiming that nobody she had dated met her expectations. Then, suddenly, she encountered two men, both of whom she liked and dated. She was attracted to both. She dueltracked until each of her pursuers proposed a committed relationship Rule 1: For Catherine and Peter to resolve their conflicts honorably and constructively, complete honesty and disclosure are mandatory. It is not uncommon for a person to find him or herself in a state of indecision. Asking for time is not an unreasonable request as long as all involved are given all the facts. Consequently, all parties have the ability to decide what feels right for them: continuance or exit. Rule 2: While it seems that Catherine and Peter are in control regarding the ultimate outcomes, not so if the truth is not revealed. Each involved participant has a choice to make. The issues to resolve for each are based on a deep examination of their feelings. They all need to sit back, turn inside, listen to their inner voice and hear what it says. Actually writing down what the “gut” reveals is crucial. Feelings don’t lie. Rule 3: Asking the right questions. What is it that makes me happy? What activities, what pursuits, conditions would make my life whole? What qualities do I admire in a partner, what can I not live with? What are the elements that make me feel secure, cared for, trusting and comfortable? What are my needs and expectations and are they realistic? Can I be a true partner to the person I hope to share my life? Write down the answers and review if that’s what you really feel. Overruling your inner voice with your brain will probably lead to making wrong choices. Inner exploration is not easy, and may be more difficult for men. There is nothing wrong in sorting things out with an objective friend or seeking professional help. Most importantly, be sure you’ve gained clarity and understand what your feelings tell you. Then go with your heart to create the loving life you seek. leading to marriage. Jacqui Brandwynne is an authority on relationships associated with women’s and men’s health and intimacy. You can mail your questions to PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. She can be reached online at www.veryprivate.com. 70 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 71 Summer07 6/14/07 R E A L 11:34 AM Page 72 L I F E single in the city Having the guts to go it alone after 15 years of marriage Too Good to Leave...Too Bad to Stay. I must have read this step-by-step guide by Mira Kirshenbaum that helps you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship at least a couple of hundred times. But ultimately, I didn’t make the “should I stay or should I go now” hardest, most heartwrenching decision of my life until after about a dozen therapy sessions that helped give me the courage to dive into what I used to envision as a “black hole” of fear, uncertainty and the ominous unknown. So what’s it like being single again after 15 years of marriage, with two teenage kids and a birth certificate that reveals you’re past 40 even though thanks to my commitment to fitness, it’s flattering to know people guess about a decade less? I think this range of emotional adjectives sort of sums it up: Intimidating, empowering, harrowing, exciting, disheartening, exhilarating, often downright despicable—and never, ever predictable! Have I done the right thing? By Bari Auerbach Even after I got my own apartment, it actually took me a few months to move into it. I used to refer to this stage of making my transition into the single life as having “bubble gum on the bottom of my shoe.” This is the pivotal time after you’ve made your decision to leave that you can start secondguessing yourself and wondering if you were suffering from temporary insanity when you told your husband you wanted out. Being in the kind of relationship that wasn’t abusive and since there was no infidelity or any other blatant deal breakers, the choice to head for divorce court was that much harder for me. When all your friends and family members inevitably ask, “What happened?” they’re waiting to hear a specific reason for the split. In my case, I just had to leave everyone hanging because there wasn’t really one particular incident or cataclysmic event to reveal. It was more like a slow, insidious erosion of intimacy and the eradication of the state of marital bliss that led to my difficult choice to go it alone. During the course of my marriage, there were many times when I contemplated leaving, since I was alone most of the time. Due to my spouse’s workaholic ways, I always felt like a “single/married person.” If nothing else, most people would agree not ever taking one vacation alone together in 15 years would be grounds enough for divorce! Learn from your decisions One of my philosophies is there’s no such thing as a “victim,” so in retrospect, I can see how my marriage served as a means to teach me valuable life lessons and further my evolutionary progression. More specifically, I think I needed to learn how to become truly independent and not rely on a significant other to attain personal fulfillment. Raised in a nurturing home where my mom was the primary source of attentive affection and my dad was rarely home, I developed the need to feel loved by a “father figure” at an early age. My dad worked hard to provide all the creature comforts but his distance and lack of involvement in my life had a profound effect on all of my future relationships with men. Given the fact my husband also made his career the priority in his life and believed his contribution to our relationship was to make 72 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 73 sure I was provided for and to always “be there in a crisis,” I think it’s pretty obvious: I married my father! It only took me about a month to write You’ve Got Male – Online Dating Exposed! and now all of the real emails from unreal men are easily accessible for all the world to see in my book (with names concealed to protect the guilty). Chapters like “Men of Few Words – Often Spelled Wrong”; “Geographically Undesirable”; “Age Inappropriate”; and “Lewd, Rude and Crude” prove that men will type things to women they would never dare say to their face—for fear of getting slapped. Today, I’m still trying to break old patterns that impede my forward momentum and now that I’m single, I think it’s even more imperative for me to be very aware of psychological triggers that still attract me to inappropriate men. Rather than be immersed in trying to gain a guy’s love and attention, I need to move on when I realize romantic feelings aren’t being reciprocated or if it turns out I’m giving much more than I’m receiving. Guess this means that at the age of 43, I still have a lot of growing up to do. I still believe if you’re playing the dating game, the Internet is a viable alternative to the club scene and bad blind dates arranged by well-meaning friends and relatives. You just have to be very discerning and weed through all the duds before you might be lucky enough to find the hot dude of your dreams. I’ve heard stories about couples who have met on the Internet and are now enjoying wedded bliss, so there’s still hope. It’s possible to find a soul mate in your in-box! On one of my first unescorted outings after being separated for about a month, I attended a chamber of commerce function and sat next to a woman who told me she was meeting a lot of men on an Internet dating site. She said she was getting emails from a variety of prospective suitors and was going on about one or two dates a week. Don’t be afraid to be alone Later that night when I went home, I decided to join a dating site and see if I would also start getting a lot of emails from handsome, eligible bachelors in my age range and region with similar interests. Instead, I wound up receiving mostly x-rated messages from men old enough to be my father or young enough to be my son from other states and foreign countries who had absolutely nothing in common with me—except that they were on the same dating site. I’ve been online for about two years now and I’ve yet to meet anyone I’d contemplate dating more than a couple of times. But maybe that’s because the universe still wants me to experience the process of going it alone. Perhaps once I’m truly comfortable with the notion of loving myself, I’ll fall in love with another (and hopefully if it’s not too much to ask for, he’ll look just a little bit like George Clooney!). Turn your bad experiences around Being single again has also given me the opportunity to focus on furthering my career and professional success as an author. I’ve always felt that writing is a tremendous opportunity for me to share intriguing information for proactive purposes. Since I’m an eternal optimist, I joined a few more dating sites and one day, realizing I had stockpiled hundreds of emails in my in-boxes (the majority of which were wild, crazy, outrageous and generally hysterically funny), I decided they deserved another destination aside from the cyberspace trash bin. Bari Auerbach is a journalist, mother of two and fitness competitor. She can be reached online at www.youvegotmalebook.com. 73 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 74 R E F L E C T I O N S get your priorities straight Understand the meaning of YOUR life By Stephanie Marston, MFT So you say you want your life to be different, better, more fulfilling? Who doesn’t? How many times have you heard yourself say, “I wish I had more time for myself? This stress is killing me. I have to start to exercise and get in better shape. I feel like my kids are getting the short end of the stick. My husband says that my side of the bed looks more like a command center than a place to relax. I feel like I’m moving at warp speed and I still can’t get through my “to do” list. I want my life to be more fun. I need to be more playful.” Sound familiar? But as a career woman who is balancing work and family, a single mom who is trying to fill in all the gaps or a woman who’s simply tired of feeling like she’s living a “treadmill existence” you have a choice—you can reduce your stress, regain your sanity and create a life you love. However, this means slowing down to reevaluate your values and priorities and making considered choices about how you’re going to invest your time and energy. 74 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 75 I do, therefore I am to the least amount of your time. How you spend your time will make known your priorities. The French philosopher Rene Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” Our modern day version of this has become “I do, therefore I am.” So many of us live by different mantras— I have to keep up, I am what I do, I have to push myself, I have to prove my worth, I have to keep going. While many of you thought that you left peer pressure back in the halls of high school, I have a surprise for you. It’s still very much in operation in our adult lives. Now ask yourself the question, “What matters?” What have you found yourself saying to the world over and over throughout your life? Now write in order of importance what you value, what you consider most important in your life. Is it your family, your children, your health, your religious or spiritual practices? Your friendships, your social life? Now compare your lists. If you’re like most people, you may be surprised to discover that there’s a discrepancy between what you consider most important in your life and how you spend your time. As you read over your list, how do you feel? What did you learn about yourself? Were you surprised by anything? Now ask yourself how these values are reflected in your current life. Which values are you neglecting? In what ways would your life be different if you honored these values? Are there any adjustments you need to make so that your life more closely reflects your values? If your outer life doesn’t match what you cherish, it’s great that you know that now. Awareness is the first step in making changes in your life. Most of us have one clear priority—get through the day. Sure, no one’s going to deny the importance of that, but it’s simply not enough. Most of us sleep walk through our lives. We rarely stop long enough to consider how we spend our time and energy. Yet, without determining whether your priorities match your picture of yourself and your values, you will continually be out of synch with yourself. No matter how frantic life gets, no matter how much frenzy seems to be present, the truly successful people are able to rise above the pandemonium and maintain their perspective. They can do this because they know what’s important. Their values are their compass—they keep them on course regardless of the chaos and confusion of life. These people maintain a vision of what truly matters, what their life is about and what they want it to be. Now that you have a clearer picture of what you consider important, there’s a good probability that you’ll begin to think about what you need to change in order to have your values expressed more visibly in your everyday life. Is there anything you need to add to your life? Are there activities or commitments you need to eliminate? These kinds of questions will not only help you to understand yourself on a deeper level, but ultimately to refocus your life around what’s truly meaningful. As strange as this may seem, it’s actually less important to understand the meaning of life itself than it is to understand the meaning of your life. Evaluate how you spend your time Think of a typical day and a typical week. As you reflect on an average day, make a list of how you spend your time. Ask yourself how much time you devote to career, family, health, yourself, spiritual life, home, social life, finances, friendships, etc. Make a list in order of what gets the most Stephanie Marston is an acclaimed speaker and author. For more information and a free Sanity Saving Solution visit www.30daystosanity.com. 75 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM H E A R T & Page 76 S O U L make room for a happy environment Improve Your Life with Feng Shui By Cheryl Grace Feel like you are running on empty? Then it’s time to trash that lumpy, worn recliner you inherited from your Aunt Bethany. Get ready to toss that date book from 1999 and that needlepoint project you began when the other George Bush was in the White House. These things are causing you misery. Having too much stuff around can make you depressed and drain your energy to complete even the simplest daily tasks. With the high levels of stress in our daily lives, more and more people are seemingly guided from within to find new and different ways to balance careers with personal lives. Feng shui may be just the answer you are seeking. Feng shui principles teach us that our environment supports who we are, and clutter is your enemy. When you have energy, good health and happiness, you feel powerful and invigorated, as if you can do almost anything! Your home may have a cold Anytime is a perfect time to clear the clutter from your life. When a house is cluttered, it’s congested, similar to having a cold. Congestion makes you feel awful, as if it’s a chore to breathe. The same goes for congestion in the home. It can make you feel depressed. By eliminating clutter, new energy is brought into the home or workplace. When you work and live in a peaceful environment, you are able to make better decisions about your life, and unlock your creativity. You must honor your environment as you would yourself. Look at your home carefully to determine the “unseen,” such as furniture, artwork, or anything that brings discontent or negative energy to the mind. It could be that stack of magazines you never have time to read, or a chair that is so uncomfortable that you never sit in it. Get rid of it now. It energetically brings you down. Trust the Universe You can immediately experience the magic of feng shui by giving or “gifting” away 27 items in your home that you no longer want or need. When you hang on to things because you think you “may need them one day,” you are not trusting that the Universe will always provide you with everything you really need. When you make room for something new, you open the door to opportunities for improved health, wealth, relationships and even the possibility of landing your dream job! For those who can’t imagine throwing away 27 things, start small. Get rid of that stack of unread newspapers and count them as one! News is topical to each day, so reading old newspapers keeps you tethered to the past. It is not by chance that major corporations, such as Trump Towers, have been reported to incorporate feng shui design principles in all of their real estate ventures. The goal of feng shui is to help you set up an environment that ideally serves your goals. So, what are you waiting for? Start clearing the clutter and make room for a happy and safe environment. It’s easy living with feng shui. Cheryl Grace is a nationally certified feng shui consultant. She can be reached online at ggRedecorating@yahoo.com or by phone at (941) 400-3816. 76 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 77 77 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 78 Perceptions Author Unknown When you consider it to be a beautiful day, it is. When you believe that you are happy, you are. Expect to find an answer, and you will. Know that something is possible for you, and it surely comes about. Your perceptions do not merely reflect an objective, unresponsive reality over which you have no control. Your perceptions shape the reality that you experience. The way you see your life has a great influence on the way your life unfolds. How are you choosing to see your life? Your perceptions shine a light upon the world around you. The world that you actually experience depends on how and where you shine that light. How do you most sincerely wish for this day, this life, this world to be? What you choose to see is what you will cause to be. More than 3,000 American lives are lost each year in home fires. Many of those deaths could have been easily prevented. The use of a smoke alarm and fire sprinkler system together reduces the risk of death in a home fire by more than 80 percent. 78 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 79 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 80 I was so impressed with the turn out and with the amazing line up of speakers at the 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference for Businesswomen. I have received such great feedback. Thank you for including me. Cindy Krischer Goodman The Balancing Act Columnist-The Miami Herald Via Email What a remarkable event. I drove down from the Melbourne area and it was well worth the drive. I look forward to supporting the event at a bigger level next year. Let me know how I can become a sponsor for next year! Congratulations on Your HUGE Event! It gives me great pleasure to offer warm congratulations on the 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference For Businesswomen on being a great success. The event was truly inspiring and a wonderful chance to connect with fellow South Florida businesswomen. The speakers were entertaining, engaging and inspiring. Laura Raybin Miller, Commissioner South Broward Hospital District Shannon Burnett, President Conscious Living Partnership Via Email This was the first time I attended this event and I wouldn’t miss it in the future! In fact, I would like to sponsor a table next year. Send me information at your earliest convenience. Sandy Spilos, R.D. Executive Immunology Specialist Via Email E-mail us at: publisher@balancemagazine.com. On behalf of Borders Books, I would like to thank you for including us as your bookseller during the 3rd Annual Ultimate Day of Balance Educational Conference for Businesswomen. It was our pleasure to be onsite for your exciting day of speakers and programs. We are honored to have been a part of such a successful and empowering event. The day was truly a testament to the transformative power of women in business. The excitement and energy of the day was evident! Scott DeMarco Border’s Books of Ft. Lauderdale 80 Include your name, address and daytime phone number. Letters chosen for publication may be edited for length and clarity. All submissions and manuscripts become the property of The Work-Life Balance Institute For Women, Inc. Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 81 WEB DIRECTORY OF ADVERTISERS Adriane Berg www.wealth102.com Bacardi www.bacardi.com BankAtlantic www.bankatlantic.com BankAtlantic Center www.bankatlanticcenter.com Benihana Restaurants www.benihana.com Blue Martini www.bluemartinilounge.com The Broward Center for the Performing Arts www.browardcenter.org Cardiology Associates www.cardiology-associates.com CareerXchange www.careerxchange.com Casbah Salon & Spa www.casbah.com City Theater www.citytheatre.com Essentials Boutique www.essentialsboutique.com Galleria Mall Palm Beach Purses www.palmbeachpurses.com Perla Lichi www.galleria.com Gringo Wedding www.gringowedding.com www.perlalichi.com Post Haste Compounding Pharmacy & Wellness Center www.posthastepharmacy.net Hanley Center www.hanleycenter.org Sapphire Condos www.sapphirecondos.com Hay House www.hayhouse.com Holy Cross Hospital www.holy-cross.com Levinson Jewelers www.levinsonjewelers.com Maroone www.maroone.com Merrill Lynch – The Davis Hines Group www.fa.ml.com/ the_davis_hines_group.com North Broward Hospital District www.browardhealth.org Nova Southeastern University www.nova.edu Sivertsen Consulting www.livescharmed.com Sterling Marketing Services www.lizsterling.com TEKlock Technology Mgt. Services www.teklock.com The Sterling Aventura www.sterlingaventura.com Very Private www.veryprivate.com Whole Foods Market www.wholefoodsmarket.com Women Moving On www.womenmovingon.com 81 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 82 Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 83 Full Open Summer07 6/14/07 11:34 AM Page 84 The Work-Life Balance Institute For Women, Inc. • A 501(c)(3) not-for profit corporation
