On The Box - ULIP Students` Union

P
aRLONS
University of London Institute In Paris
February 2013
CONTRIBUTORS
Joe Lennard
Alex Seal
Ben Wright
Katie O’Dowdall
Calum Paramour
Charlotte Legg
George Bagguley
Rosie Gillard
Jay Goodwin
Becky Cunningham
Jess Burton
Erica Burnham
Ross-Jan Bierczak
Sophie Lawrence
EDITORIAL
Rachel Addison-Child
Laurie Ainscough
Hazel Hurst
Sam O’Doherty
This edition © 2013 Parlons
Email to: parlons@london.ac.uk
Cover photo by Melissa Charlton
2
CONTENTS
Editorial
4
Hello From The President
5
International Affairs
6
It’s All Downhill From Here
7
In the Presence of a Legend
9
All The World’s A Stage
11
Potter Politics
14
Meet Charlotte Legg
16
Rugby
18
What’s The Superbowl?
21
How To Make a QT Film
25
Kitchen Corner
26
Beautiful Quebec
27
Geek Corner
28
Graduation Survival Guide
30
Ask Sophie
32
On The Box
34
3
E
dITORIAL
Welcome to the third issue of
Parlons! We’re still going strong and
hope you’re all still enjoying ULIP’s
very best magazine. As always, we
have filled our pages with highquality material from only the best
journalists around to make sure
that reading Parlons is a highly
entertaining, hugely intellectual and
generally positive experience.
In this issue we have managed to
convince ULIP Radio DJs, Rosie
Gillard and Benjamin Wright, to get
off the air and try their hand at
writing. It seems their heroes have
inspired them both to put pen to
paper because Rosie is back with
more Beyoncé and Ben writes on
David Beckham. Elsewhere, Parlons
brings you a sneak peek behind the
scenes of the ULIP Theatre Society
2013 production, which is definitely
not to be missed. We, of course,
have our regulars: Erica’s Corner,
Ask Sophie, Geek Corner and our
lecturer inviewee this issue is
Charlotte Legg. Also, look out for
the extra special ULIP ski trip
feature brought to us by Alex Seal.
Parlons is also proud to announce
that the cover photo for this issue
was photographed by the lovely
Melissa Charlton (BA3). It is the first
time
we
have
had
a
ULIP
photographer and we hope you love
our ‘homegrown’ image as much as
we do. A big thanks, as always, to
our
contributors
because
we
couldn’t do it without you and, for
those of you that have not yet been
brave enough, it’s never too late to
climb
aboard
the
Parlons
bandwagon. We’d love to hear from
you.
4
So, as February winds to a close and
the essays start to pile up, grab a
copy of your faithful Parlons and
look towards spring.
Lots of love,
The Editorial Team
Rachel Addison-Child
Laurie Ainscough
Hazel Hurst
Sam O’Doherty
H
eLLO
FROM THE PRESIDENT
As usual we have the SU President, Joe
Lennard, to keep us up date with all the recent
goings-on at ULIP
It’s that time of year again isn’t it?
Essays and exams are looming over
us ominously and bank balances are
at an all-time low. The Daily Mail’s
side bar of shame tells me that
February is the most depressing
month of the year and that Western
Europe is about to be hit by
‘thunder snow’ - God knows what
that is but it sounds rough.
However, despite what @ParisIsShit
may tell you, it’s not all doom and
gloom. Here at ULIP towers there
has been a lot going on and a lot
more to come. The first half of this
term saw the SU’s inaugural
Refreshers Week, which was a
rollicking success and a great way
for
students
to
reacquaint
themselves with each other after the
Christmas break. Meanwhile, ULIP
held their first ever graduation
ceremony in Paris at the British
Embassy. It now seems as if July
graduations at the ambassador’s
residence will become the standard
from now on. After several years of
petitions and campaigning, having
the graduation in Paris is a real coup
for the Union.
Elsewhere,
the
SU
are
busy
preparing for RAG week at the
beginning of March; a week of fun
activities and general silliness all in
the name of charity. Speaking of
which, the SU’s chosen charity for
this year is Comic Relief. I’m sure
you are all aware of the great work
that Comic Relief does and if you
would like more information on the
charity or how to get involved with
RAG week, come and see anyone in
the exec. It’s going to be a great
week and without giving too much
away, there are talks of a sponsored
head shaving and a Students vs
Lecturers
University
Challenge
event, amongst other things. On the
subject of charity, make sure you all
sponsor my right-hand man George
Bagguley who is running the Paris
Half Marathon in a few weeks. For a
man who regularly texts me from
his bed rather than get up and
speak to me in person, this really is
no mean feat. On a serious note,
George
is
running
for
the
Alzheimer’s Society, an incredibly
worthy cause, so please give
generously. After reading week,
there will be the second and final
general meeting of the year. The
meeting is when nominations will
open
for
the
impending
SU
elections. I urge you all to come
along. If you are thinking about
standing for election, it is vital that
you come. However, even if you
don’t want to stand for a position
on the exec committee, the general
meeting is a good opportunity to get
a better understanding of how the
SU functions. I hope you all have a
restful reading week and make the
most of your time off. At this very
busy time of year, it is sometimes
hard to see past the essays and the
exams. However, I can assure you
there is light at the end of the
tunnel. With RAG week, a ULIP
Theatre society production, more
fantastic canteen events and of
course the End of Year Ball all in the
offing, the best is really yet to come.
Bonne continuation.
Joe
5
InTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Sam O’Doherty takes a look at the world stage again,
pondering what’s happening and what’s to come…
Benedict XVI has given up – the
pontiff has resigned as Pope,
without giving any real reasons why.
Of course the internet would love
Silvio Berlisconi to take over, but
that may be a long shot… This first
papal resignation in nearly 600
years
surprised
governments
worldwide, Vatican-watchers and
even the Pope's closest aides.
In perhaps more explosive news
though, North Korea has carried out
its third, most powerful nuclear test
despite UN warnings, and said "even
stronger" action might follow. Even
China, recognized as the country’s
closest ally has condemned the act.
Speaking of China, in the last few
months it has become clear in key
fashion design areas of Italy that it
is not locals but Chinese businesses
that are becoming the major players
Chinese
view
the
rapidly
expanding fast-fashion market in
Prato, a satellite town of fashionable
Florence, as an opportunity for
Italian companies to exploit the
desirability of the "Made in Italy"
brand in new ways.
Now perhaps back to home soil, and
the UK’s current place on the world
map.
6
A few recent headlines have been
that a tragic house fire which killed
six children from the same family in
Derby was started deliberately using
petrol, a court has been told. The
government's back-to-work schemes
have suffered a setback after Appeal
Court judges agreed with a
university graduate's claim that
unpaid schemes were legally flawed.
Environment
Secretary
Owen
Paterson is due to meet food
industry representatives for the
second time in a week to discuss the
horsemeat crisis, which appears to
have originated from horse meat
cheaply being used in a factory in
Romania.
And as a final remark, it will be one
on everybody’s health – all the
warnings about the consequences of
drinking Coke are becoming sadly
real. Drinking large quantities of
Coca-Cola was a "substantial factor"
in the death of 30-year-old woman
in New Zealand, a coroner has said.
This edition’s quote comes from
Sloan Wilson, on the value of just
giving things a go "Success in almost any field
depends more on energy and drive
than it does on intelligence. This
explains why we have so many
stupid leaders."
I T’ S A L L D O W N H I L L F R O M H E R E
In December 2012 an intrepid group of Ulippers
made the journey to the ski-resort of Val Thorens
and took to the snow. Alex Seal, head of ULIP skisociety, lets us know what went down on the
slopes.
I have never experienced a fear quite
like that of seeing one of my friends
dressed as the Virgin Mary, flailing
down a mountain at top speed and
not quite knowing if he was going to
stop or if he was just going to crash
into some poor unaware member of
the public, or off a cliff or
something. Although I can say he
managed not to crash into someone,
I can’t say that for every member of
the group (everyone involved was
fine, only a finger was broken and
we can all laugh about it now...).
After the first few days of “ULIP
does Val Thorens 2012” my stomach
started to settle as I came to the
realisation that although at times
slightly out of control my skiing
virgins (not just Mary) were very
resilient and although covered in
bruises and aching, were starting to
enjoy their first experiences of
skiing. Although I really wish I’d
been there for the moment that
their instructor took them to the top
of a red run and made them drop
into what I’m sure they thought was
an almost certain death.
With screams of “STOP, STOP, STOP,
oh my goodness, oh my goodness”
coming from their instructor, who
was close to a breakdown and was
apparently finding it very difficult
to cope with a group who included
someone nicknamed “The Collider,”
the beginners were taught the most
important aspects of skiing, such as
singing
when
you’re
scared
(constantly) and how to emergency
stop (with varied success levels).
Rachel A-C has to be mentioned for her
bravery, I’ve never seen someone so
scared in my entire life but she managed
to bloody ace it by the end of the week.
While everyone was in lessons the rest of
us made the most of the amazing snow
conditions, with a special shout out to
John Helm who managed to absolutely
nail skiing backwards, to a point where
we were wondering if he knew how to ski
forwards anymore. This made it so much
easier for us to spot him coming though,
and therefore making him easier to avoid,
so I guess it had its benefits. Mel and
Aimée deserve the wally of the week
award for getting stuck in the wrong
valley and having to pay to get back
home, nice effort ladies.
On the Thursday we all dressed in
fancy dress, with various reactions
from our fellow skiers. Joe was
shouted at by a group on a chairlift
saying that he was gay for being
Santa, I overheard a small child
saying “No mum, it’s a reindeer not
a dog” and Ben got a tonne of
Chelsea related abuse due to his
badly chosen football inspired
7
outfit. Sophie looked like the
cutest Santa ever in her onesie,
Hannah was just told all day how
great her Christmas tree costume
was and Aimée and Mel managed
to look glamorous even when in
their onesies. Kate and John
turned blue pretty quickly as Kate
was wearing a Mrs Claus outfit and
John was just wearing a football
kit, fair to say that didn’t last long.
My sight of the week has to be
from this day, seeing Hannah
dressed as a Christmas tree and
Leigh dressed as the Virgin Mary
sat on a chairlift by themselves...a
photo which I will go back to
forever in times of depression. It is
fair to say that during our week we
outdid ourselves with our game
playing. While Glasgow Uni spent 5
grand on bags of wine and
emmental (which they thought was
the French for “cheese”...awkward)
for their cheese and wine evening
on their trip, we were inside
playing increasingly aggressive
8
and
competitive
games
of
bananagrams, cheat and the cereal
box game after having a series of
bang on post skiing naps. We
discovered
an
incredible
TV
program which I would recommend
to anyone, “Les Marseillais à Miami”
it’s basically the French “Geordie
Shore”, which is something very
close to my heart. All I can say is
you won’t stop shouting “Y’EN A
ASSEZ” and you can expect a lot of
class from everyone on the show.
When we went out in the evenings it
was obviously rubbing off on Sophie
as she made really good use of her
elbows on the dance floor and very
nearly caused a fight or two that the
Marseillais would be proud of.
All in all I had a great week and
really hope I see everyone out on
the slopes again soon, especially all
the beginners who I hope caught the
skiing bug! But finally, a big shout
out to my new skis purchased in VT,
you are beautiful and I love you.
IN THE PRESENCE OF A LEGEND
ULIP football fans will no doubt have been excited to
hear that David Beckham has decided to give the
‘city of light’ a try. Benjamin Wright (BA2) gives us
his take on the big move.
David Beckham’s recent move to
Paris St-Germain attracted wide
criticism from the ever-cynical
French press. Le Monde hailed the
move as a media stunt by the Qatari
owners of the club in an attempt to
instrumentalise England’s highest
profile footballer in order to make
money. It’s true. Money does not
grow on trees, but it very nearly
follows Beckham in his wake. In his
first year in Madrid, shirt sales with
his name added up to a 350%
increase to the average sale of
shirts, the same effect happened
year on year in Los Angeles.
However what does this mean for
the former England captain? Does
this put Beckham’s reputation in the
firing line?
We must first remember that
Beckham is a footballer. That is his
job. We can be assured that he will
still be playing football for PSG, not
solely be the poster boy. He has 115
England caps, many as captain which
says a lot for his position within the
Football Association (the FA) and
this is supported by his efforts in
trying to stage the Fifa World Cup in
England. Beckham was part of the
Manchester United treble winning
team, a La Liga winning Real Madrid
team and has won every accolade in
domestic American football. So why
wouldn’t a growing club like PSG
want a player who can produce on
any world stage of football? Before
his move to the Parc de Princes,
Beckham was linked with Arsenal
and West Ham, so he had no
shortage of lucrative deals. I for one
am optimistic that he chose PSG to
refresh his love for football and is
proving so by donating his £150,000
a week salary to a local Parisian
children’s charity. What a footballer.
As for his image, he is well dressed,
good-looking, has near perfect hair
(that I attempt to replicate) and
doesn’t sound like he has more
ASBOs than GCSEs. Beckham is the
sort of role model that should be
taught as part of the national
curriculum; he supports his wife’s
aspirations as a top fashion
designer; goes to see his son play
basketball not football and is
basically best mates with her
majesty the Queen. In addition, his
decision to be the face of an H&M
underwear line clearly shows that he
is not ‘above’ appearing for a low
cost, high street brand. Despite the
obvious
draws
of
financial
compensation, many footballers
wouldn’t be seen dead in H&M
(Mario Balotelli?) Moving to PSG will
not change that; Victoria is closer to
links in Paris and London; their
children will benefit from speaking
the
Queen’s
English
again. 9
As an ambassador for our nation,
Beckham has a facet of his
personality that everyone can relate
to. However, he is by no means
perfect. As a footballer he saw red
for England through kicking out at
an Argentinian player in 1998 and
has
10
missed penalties in world cups,
almost
unforgivable
to
many
England fans. He was linked to an
affair with his kid’s nanny and some
people may find his 20 tattoos
offensive (some even have to be
covered up whilst he plays) and
despite giving away his wages, will
earn 50% of shirt sales. However,
this man has done enough to be
recognised
as
a
footballer,
businessman, family man and
ambassador
and
should
be
recognised as such. His move to PSG
is a media stunt and money making
ploy for the Qatari owners, but a
transition in the career of David
Beckham that changes nothing of
his character. I would still pick him
for England.
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A L L T H E W O R L D’ S A S T A G E
Parlons caught up with Katie O’Dowdall, head of
ULIP theatre society, for an exclusive early-look at
the ULIP 2013 production, which will show on the
1st of March. Read on for an insight into the
preparations.
1) Without giving too much away,
tell us a little bit about ULIP
Theatre
Society’s
2013
production…
Well, firstly it is a comedy based on
English/American stereotypes of
French culture and particularly
Parisian life. It is based on timeless
stereotypes that still shape how
Francophones and Anglophones
alike joke about each other today.
At the same, it goes a little further
than just old gags about garlic and
onion smelling Frenchies and smalltown-minded-fanny-pack-adorned
American tourists. It also is full of
our own experiences, which make
reference
to
deeper
cultural
differences that we have noticed
and lived through since our time
here.
2) So, has it been fun for you and
the rest of the cast to relive some
of your own personal, and
sometimes
embarrassing,
experiences
of
Paris?
Absolutely hilarious; sometimes it
was hard to stop ourselves laughing
in rehearsals. Even though the
characters in the play are absolutely
ridiculous and OTT, we know
exactly why they are furious at
ludicrous French bureaucracy or
bemused by nonchalant French
restaurant service. Every scene has
been pulled from cast-member
experiences so I think it will be a
play that a lot of Ulippers in the
audience are going to find funny
and hopefully be able to relate to.
3) Apart from personal experience,
does the play have any other
influences?
I had The Two Ronnies in my head
the entire time when writing and
rehearsing this play. It is a play
compiled of sketches so we have the
odd
stand-alone
monologue
alongside our favourite characters
who make several appearance in
different environments and faced
with various challenges. This is very
much a British comedy piece;
everyone is mocked and laughed at,
something which I think we
culturally excel at. I just hope the
French and Americans in the
audience appreciate our affectionate
piss-taking as much as we do!
4) What have you enjoyed the
most about the rehearsal and
writing
process?
I think seeing the characters that
you have written and imagined
come to life has been the most
rewarding experience. We have got
such a talented cast this year with a
lot of BA2 newcomers who have
made some of our characters and
caricatures priceless. Unlike other
theatre societies, we are all
amateurs and what we write and
create is all open to debate and
change; we have developed and
tweaked the script as we have gone.
5) And what has been difficult?
Determining what it is ‘going too
far’ in terms of national and cultural
mocking has been very difficult. We
don’t want anyone in the audience
to be insulted; that isn’t what this is
about. It is about good oldfashioned fun.
11
6) Are you excited for the big day?
Yes, very excited but also terribly
nervous. Firstly, I hope that people
show up. If we could get at least 70
per cent of the ULIP student and
academic body then that would be a
great start and of course, we want
non-Ulippers to be coming too. This
a great chance for ULIP to show off
what we can do with a small budget
and an enthusiastic cast. Secondly, I
hope that people bloody laugh.
7) We don't want you to tell us too
much, but could you maybe give
Parlons a sneak preview and tell us
a little bit about one of you
favourite characters?
My favourite characters have got to
be our Jeune Fille Au Pair played by
the wonderful Agnieszka Konieczny
and our Cockney Bobby working in a
Leicestershire Police station played
by the hilarious Ben Wright.
8) Where and when can Ulippers
get tickets for what promises to be
a great evening?
‘Well, You’re In France Now!” will be
showing on Friday 1st March at
20:30 at the American Church
Theatre, 65 Quai d’Orsay 75007.
Tickets are 6 Euros with a free glass
of vino. Tickets will be sold on the
door and also from the Student
Union. Please do come along!
12
Thanks
Katie,
Parlons
will
definitely be there and we think
the rest of ULIP should grab their
tickets as soon as possible. It’d be
a crime to miss it!
WELL, YOU’RE
IN
FRANCE
NOW!
The new rip-roaringly funny
comedy from the ULIP
Theatre Society based on
those timeless stereotypes of
French and Parisian culture.
La nouvelle comédie écrite et mise
en scène par l’Association de Théâtre
de l’Institut de l’Université de
Londres à Paris (ULIP.) Inspirée par
les stéréotypes anglophones de la
culture française et parisienne, cette
pièce hilarante n’est pas à rater sous
aucun prétexte !
THE AMERICAN CHURCH
THEATRE 65 QUAI D’ORSAY
75007
FRIDAY 1ST MARCH 20H 30
TICKETS €6 AVAILABLE ON THE DOOR / BILLETS VENDUS SUR PLACE
13
HARRY POTTER:APOLITICAL PROPHECY?
Could JK Rowling’s work have been an act of divination
even more accurate Sybil Trelawney’s? Calum Paramor
(BA2) investigates.
It is very possible to read and
greatly enjoy JK Rowling’s Harry
Potter septilogy as a simple
moralising yarn, recounting the life
of a young wizard and his
experience of school, wizarding
warfare and camping. However,
seeing as we are creatures of a
greater intellect, I propose a deeper
reading of Rowling’s work. I propose
that we analyse the rather incredible
similarities between the course of
events that unfolds and characters
that populate Hogwarts and its
environs and those same characters
and events in Britain’s political
sphere. First of all, let’s look at the
characters in this politico-magical
saga. Whilst the most important
character of the Harry Potter books
is, naturally, Harry Potter, the most
important character in the books as
a piece of political symbolism has to
be
Severus
Snape.
With
his
background in the dark arts but
seeming to be on the side of good
till he kills Dumbledore but then
ultimately turning good again in the
end, it is my hope that such
prophecies will be applicable to the
leader of the Liberal Democrats and
Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg.
You may scoff, dear reader, but I
beg you bend your ear and listen.
First
there’s
the
matter
of
appearance: sad eyes and the sallow
face which both men have in
common, Snape’s are due to having
spend all his teaching hours in a
dungeon (the Hogwarts teachers’
14
union must be shite) and having lost
the woman he loved, first in that she
loved his nemesis and then because
she got killed by that snake-faced
bloke. Whilst I’m not saying that
such explanations are true of Nick
Clegg, it would be irresponsible to
rule it out when you look at the
extent to which he is David
Cameron’s bitch.
But secondly, and more importantly,
there’s the manner in which his
actions mirror those of Snape’s
quite so precisely. Firstly, there’s the
background in the dark arts, Clegg
himself was a contributor to the
‘Orange Book’, a book which
espoused the benefits of more rightwing economic policies. Frightening
stuff. Then there’s the act of his
killing Dumbledore, facilitating the
facilitating the rise of Voldemort.
Before I continue any further in this
vein I think I should explain quite
who the characters that represent
the major political players are here.
Firstly,
there
is
Dumbledore.
Naturally, for his wisdom and the
fact that he fights for the side of
good, this would be everybody’s
favourite clunking-fisted Scotsman,
Gordon Brown. Harry, unexpected
hero, awkward-looking, protégé of
Dumbledore, is, as you may have
guessed,
the
googly-eyed
Ed
Miliband. The choosing of David
Cameron as Voldemort is perhaps
the most obvious. Just look at how
the two compare: one has no care
for the lives of innocents, an
inhuman appearance and a laugh
that chills the blood in your veins,
the other is Lord Voldemort himself.
But back to Nick Clegg as Snape. In
joining with the Conservatives in
coalition in May 2010, Nick Clegg
might have been said to have ‘done
a Snape’, taking a quite different
point of view prior to the election,
and
ousting
Brown
(/killing
Dumbledore). Given the spectacular
similarities between the landscape
of British politics and the wizarding
world, (accepting that the Prime
Minister, despite appearances, is not
an semi-immortal sub-human, the
Deputy Prime Minister’s aptitude in
Potions is, at best, average and that
Gordon Brown was sadly bereft of
either beard or half-moon glasses)
Taking a look at the most recent
clash between the Conservatives
and the Lib Dems over boundary
changes as an example: Clegg has
stood resolute against the boundary
changes which would largely favour
the Conservatives. Does this, dear
reader, not immediately call to mind
the scene in the final Harry Potter
book where that deer thing of
Snape’s guides Harry to that pond
where that glittery sword thing is?
The striking similarity of these two
emotive narratives leaves one in
wondrous awe. With this weapon in
his electoral arsenal, Miliband now
stands poised to assume office,
striking down the Dark Lord/Right
Honourable Prime Minister.
Further to the Clegg-Snape scenario,
there’s also the marked parallel
between the Triwizard Cup and the
Labour Party’s fight for selection.
First, the two Milibands, in this case
Cedric Diggory and Harry, drawn
from the same school/political
family, and fighting for the coveted
Triwizard leadership of the Labour
PartyThere’s a comparison to be
made between Diane Abbott and
blast-ended skrewts in there but I’m
far too much of a gentleman to
make it. The analogous factors here
are crying out for recognition.
Looking back over Rowling’s oeuvre,
one really is struck dumb by her
foresight and her cleverness in
masking what is essentially an
extended dissection of British
politics as a 7-part series replete
with quidditch, pubescent wizards
and house elves that are, frankly,
pretty clingy. By Merlin’s beard, may
she be praised.
15
INTERVIEW WITH CHARLOTTE LEGG
Parlons met with the lovely Charlotte Legg, the
lecturer who time-machined here straight from the
dancehalls of the 1940s, to find out how she’s
enjoying her second term at ULIP.
How are you finding ULIP?
Your drink of choice?
It’s great, very dynamic with lots
going on.
Gin and Tonic – Hendricks gin.
Is this your first time living in
Paris?
No, I lived here for the first time 5
years ago while attending the École
Normale Supérieure. Since then I’ve
been living between here and New
York.
Favourite Place in Paris?
I quite like Le Balajo near Bastille on
the Rue de Lappe when there’s a
good band playing. It’s a 1930s
dancehall which used to host
amazing jazz singers and jazz
bands and is now a cheesy
nightclub.
What do you dislike about Paris?
I despise the metro and the attitude
of commuters. I could be feeling in
quite a good mood but I get on the
metro and it disappears instantly.
What are the best and worst things
about the UK, New York and
France?
Best in the UK, I haven’t been in a
very long time…… probably the
combination of my grandmother
and Midsomer Murders.
Worstpublic transport. New York, God
there’s so much. Vintage clothes
shops; live music; the atmosphere of
possibility. But I hate the grid
system; you can’t get lost which is
incredibly depressing. For France I
love the continued influence of
history on society. They take their
history seriously. In France I don’t
like the relative lack of vegetarian
options.
16
Which supermarket do you go to in
France?
I have a DIA and a Monoprix near
me, so Monoprix for the fancy
things and DIA for the rest.
And the UK?
When I was a student it was ASDA, I
saved a lot of money.
You have a very distinct style, how
would you describe it?
I do? Oh thanks. I really like the
1940s and 50s in terms of fashion.
I’m very influenced by them. Music
like Thurston Harris, Ruth Brown,
Ann Cole’s version of ‘Got My Mojo
Working’, the original version. I love
Rhythm and Blues.
What would your last meal be?§
Broccoli – loads and loads of it. And
caramel au beurre salé…. But not
together.
On your ULIP profile, it says that
one of your interests is the ‘history
of sensibilities’. What is it that
interests you about it?
I’m interested in the way people in
different contexts perceive the
relationship between their body and
the environment, the cultural aspect
of how to understand the body – the
emotional responses to things. So
for the N. African settlers, how they
experienced change and what they
imagined for themselves.
Favourite film?
Well I love Humphrey Bogart and
Lauren Bacall. Maybe Key Largo.
Word association
Favourite book?
Norwegian
Murakami
Wood
by
Haruki
New York – Fun
In another life, what would you
have been?
A female aviator in the 1920s
What’s the main difference between
the French and the Americans?
In general they’re very similar. They
take themselves and their history
very seriously. I think in the UK
there’s a tendency to self-mockery.
Maybe it’s a stereotype but in
America they have a go-get-‘em
attitude which they don’t really have
here.
Last film you saw?
Django Unchained…. I really liked it
Star Sign?
Gemini
Favourite
Direction?
Paris – Love
member
of
History – Story
Language – Complicated
Algeria – Overwhelming
Art – Pleasant
Home – Cosy
Beyoncé – Who?
ULIP students – Diverse
What would your one piece of
advice be?
To ULIP students I would say enjoy
it; it will be over far too quickly. To
anyone I would say that, whatever it
is, just try and maintain a sense of
perspective.
One
I’ve heard of them but don’t know
any of their names or their music
Tell us a joke
A tortoise walks into a police
station, "I'd like to report a crime.
I've been mugged.
"Who mugged
policeman"
A gang
replies.
of
you?"
snails",
asks
the
the
tortoise
So the policeman asks, "well sir, can
you tell me what happened?"
To which the tortoise, somewhat
overwrought, replies, "No, not
really... it all happened so fast"
17
RUGBY
George Bagguley (BA3) opens up about his love
for rugby
For those few among you who
follow rugby, it is not surprising
that the Six Nations is upon us. For
the majority, the Six Nations is an
annual
international
rugby
tournament
involving
England,
Ireland, Scotland, Wales, France and
Italy, and that started on Saturday
2nd February. I realise that by
writing about rugby, a subject that
automatically alienates most of you,
I may have to try and throw in a few
cultural references which you feel
comfortable relating to, so I chose
to compare Wales’s fullback Leigh
Halfpenny to Inspector Morse, and
the Irish winger Simon Zebo to Ben
Howard.
The
intricacies
of
international rugby might be a bit
tricky, but pop culture is something
we’re good at, right? In this article,
I’m trying to convince some of you
that the Six Nations is the best
sporting event of the year admittedly maybe not this year,
what with that Olympics that
everyone seems to keep going on
about – but the point still stands.
International rugby is great.
18
Let’s start with Wales versus Ireland,
the first of the matches this
weekend, which was won by Ireland
and saw the battle of Leigh
Halfpenny and Simon Zebo. I’m
comparing Halfpenny to Inspector
Morse firstly because he is a
recognized name in knowledgeable
circles, considered one of the most
reliable around, and that when
everything isn’t going right, Wales
seem to send for him in a similar
way to Sergeant Lewis calling on
Endeavour to save the day and lock
up the scoundrel criminals. It’s this
reliability on both that I’m trying to
highlight, rather than their reported
shared interests in classic cars and
cryptic
crossword
puzzles.
Unfortunately, Saturday saw Leigh
unable to save his country from a
22-30 defeat, mainly due to Ireland’s
experienced
ex-captain
Brian
O’Driscoll and their inexperienced
winger Simon Zebo. Zebo has barely
played for Ireland but has already
shown that he is amazing.
A bit like Ben Howard, you might
say, in that they’ve both burst onto
their respective scenes and done
well although it remains to be seen
if such success will last long-term.
By the way, I reckon it's the dogeared experience of players like
O’Driscoll and the fearless youth of
Zebo and company that makes
Ireland so exciting to watch and
good at winning. Ireland are really
good by the way. Too boring? Too
focused on rugby? Sorry.
But why is it the best sporting event
of the year? Firstly, it is impossible
to compare to the Olympics because
that is just a string of events one
after the other in all matter of
disciplines. Among the rest, some
might say Wimbledon, others maybe
the
football
European
Championships. I would argue that
The Six Nations trumps them both
because of the closeness between all
the countries involved. Of the six
countries
playing,
four
can
realistically win the tournament,
and the other two -Scotland and
Italy - can beat anyone on their day,
as shown by Italy’s surprise 23-18
victory over France on Sunday.
Compare it, then, to the 100m final
at the Olympics where although
there were nine people competing,
there were only two other runners
who were realistically capable of
catching Usain Bolt, the eventual
winner.
The same can be said about the
European
Championships,
with
Spain the inevitable winners before
a round ball was even kicked. This
sense of inevitability unfortunately
de-values and ruins the entire
competition. Surely more realistic
potential winners make for a more
exciting
spectacle,
with
more
pressure riding on every tactical
move that each team makes?
There is a strong possibility of
everything coming down to the last
day of the championship, with the
winners being determined by the
smallest of margins with a thrilling
decider. The idea of the eventual
champions being undecided until
the very last moments is an exciting
one that you would be hard-pressed
to find in any other sporting event
over the course of the year. Whether
you’re convinced by my argument or
not, if you like rugby it makes the
final round of matches on 16th
March a mouth-watering prospect.
And if you don’t, there’s always
Wimbledon in July.
19
20
W H A T’ S T H E S U P E R B O W L ?
Rosie ‘Radio’ Gillard (BA2) reviews the event of the century,
once again revealing how Beyoncé is proving herself to be the
second coming.
Maybe one day I’ll write an article
for Parlons that isn’t about Beyoncé.
But until then, I am naming
February “Beyoncé month”. So first
there was that lip synching scandal,
but more importantly the world
witnessed possibly the best live
performance ever. EVER. People
have kind of forgotten that it was
the Super Bowl’s forty-seventh half
time show, and have started
branding it simply “Beyoncé’s
show.” I think that’s fair. I mean,
who even won the Super Bowl? Who
even were the teams playing? Who
even cares? What even is American
Football?
The other day I met someone who
claimed they “aren’t that bothered
about Beyoncé.” So in case you’re
one of those nutters, here’s an
insight in to what went down at
Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime
show. One of the biggest things that
went down was the costume choice.
This consisted of a black leather
bodysuit, black biker jacket (which
was of course thrown off within the
first ten seconds) and a lot of sass.
Not
only
does
the
person
responsible for Bey’s bikini wax
deserve a medal, but also since
when have fingerless leather gloves
and flesh coloured fishnets with
knee high black socks ever worked
for anyone? I remember trying to
make something similar happen at a
knee high black socks ever worked
for anyone? I remember trying to
make something similar happen at a
school disco circa 2004. The
consequences were disastrous. But
for Beyoncé it just worked, and she
looked incredible. The outfit was by
New York designer Rubin Singer,
and key materials in the creation
included python, iguana and laceobviously! What better way to set off
iguana than with some lovely lace.
Bey’s two biggest critics (PETA and
The Feminists) have spoken out,
with concerns of “glorification of
animal cruelty in the clothing
industry” and “glorification of
sluttiness.” It was glorious though,
wasn’t it?
Speaking of glory, another very
important
element
of
the
performance was Destiny’s Child.
Let us momentarily forget that their
new single is slightly disappointing,
and
focus
on
how
timeless
“Bootylicious” and “Independent
Woman (Part I)” are. Kelly and
Michelle were both launched on to
stage, the former’s landing being
more graceful than the latter’s. Poor
Michelle, she was never as good as
the other two, and it turns out you
really can’t teach an old dog new
tricks. Not only did she have a
wobbly entrance to the stage, but
her costume wasn’t as good as
Kelly’s, and I’m almost certain her
microphone was turned down. We
said goodbye to Destiny’s Child
after two songs, and it was back to
the Beyoncé show, and therefore
back to the fierceness.
Stage presence is always something
at
which
Beyoncé
absolutely
dominates.
However
this
performance look it next level with
an
impeccably
choreographed
21
digital visual display. At one point
we saw 12 digital Beyoncé's,
Beyoncé with lots of arms, fireworks
AND a circle of flames surrounding
Destiny’s Child. Dance moves didn’t
disappoint either. There was the
classic
hair
swishing,
sassy
strutting,
hip
dropping,
floor
smothering, but my highlight this
time was the dutty wine-ing, where
Bey well and truly lost her shit.
Totally amazing.
So while there is a lot to be unhappy
about in February (Valentine’s Day,
and for us here at ULIP, the cruel
realisation that undergraduate life is
almost over/I’m half way through
my degree/I am almost no longer a
crazy Fresher) let us look to Beyoncé
keeping it real this month, and join
her in saying “I am a woman hear
me roar.”
Not only did this performance truly
render the ‘lip-synching at Barack
Obama’s
inauguration
scandal’
water under the bridge, but it also
prompted rumours of a new album
and the announcement of the “Mrs
Carter 2013 Tour”. Bey will do 46
dates, starting in Serbia and
finishing
up
in
Mr
Carter’s
hometown: Brooklyn, NY. The Queen
will be blessing us with her presence
with two dates in Paris and four in
London. Having obtained tickets, I
am feeling as smug as Charlie
Bucket finding that Golden Ticket.
22
H O W T O M A K E A Q U E N T I N T A R AN T I N O F I L M
10 EASY STEPS
Inspired by last month’s release of, Django
Unchained, Rachel Addison-Child (BA3) takes a look
at the QT formula and explains how the
Tarantinoverse is just 10 easy steps away.
Step 1: Get together an all-star cast
Call up your A-list friends because
nobody is interested in gun toting
anti-heroes unless they have seen
them at least three times before.
Preferably have a set of actors that
you like to return to on a regular
basis so things don’t get too
unexpected. On occasion, don’t be
afraid to throw a wildcard in there
by bringing back an actor that no
one has seen in a while because
everyone loves a comeback (think
John Travolta in Pulp Fiction and
you’ll get the idea).
Step 2: ‘Aestheticize’ your violence
Use the word ‘aesthetic’ and you can
get away with as much limb ripping,
throat slicing and brain bashing as
you like. In fact, the more acts of
gratuitous violence, the better and
don’t underestimate just how much
blood spattering can be generated
from a single wound. Remember, if
you’re Tarantino, it’s not gore but
art. It’s beauty not brutality so lay
on the red stuff like there’s no
tomorrow (which for many of your
characters, there won’t be).
Step 3: Don’t skimp on the body
count
While we are on the topic of
violence, it’s important to remember
that there is no limit of the amount
of people that can die in one scene.
Anything less than double figures is
a poor show.
Step 4: Go for a genre throwback
Pick one of the old, disused genres
that nobody else is paying attention
to any more (gangster movie,
martial arts flick, spaghetti western)
and give it an overhaul. The beauty
is that the whole blueprint is
already there for you. All you need
to do is add a twist and go OTT to
give it some extra edge.
Step
5:
Disregard
historical
accuracy You can pick a real
historical scenario as the basis for
your film but don’t make the
mistake of thinking you have to
stick to the facts. This is no
Spielberg biopic. This is vamped up
comic book history. You are in
control so it doesn’t matter what
actually happened, it only matters
what you want to happen.
23
Step 6: Add just a smidge of bad
language
Go ahead and fill your script with
swear words. They can be just as
effectively explosive as the bullets
constantly whizzing through the air.
Don’t worry about the overuse of
offensive language just sandwich it
all in between some witty dialogue
and no one will know the difference.
Step 7: Insert pop culture reference
here
Lace the entire thing with a range of
pop culture references from the
extremely obvious to the highly
obscure. Aim to have at least two
references so cryptic that only about
1% of viewers will actually pick up
on them. After you have filled your
film with pop culture, go back and
cross-reference with other films you
have made. If at least one character
doesn’t have some tenuous relation
with a character from a different
film then it’s not Tarantino.
Step 8: Make it funny
Just because you’re making a movie
full
of
violence,
death
and
controversial subject matter doesn’t
mean you can’t have a barrel of
laughs while you’re at it. Crack a
few jokes, throw in a bit of satire
and, if you’re not quite clever
enough for witty humour, just blow
up something funny.
Step 9: Cameo!
If you’re going to go through all the
effort of making a film then you
need to make sure you get your face
in it at some point. 15 seconds is
too short, 15 minutes is too long
and
make
sure
you
die
spectacularly.
Step 10: Add a sprinkling of moral
message
You can get away with a lot. A main
character with an insatiable desire
to kill, frequent death, torture,
mutilation and even a couple of
Nazis
but
it’s
important
to
remember that it’s not all fun and
games. Unless you give a couple of
your characters just a hint of
morality then nobody will want to
watch your gore-fest. Your main
character needn’t have any qualms
about killing people; they just need
to have the moral high ground while
doing it. It’s simple really: a
wedding massacre is bad. Nazism is
bad.
Slavery
is
bad.
Uber
bloodthirsty, spectacularly violent,
cool guy revenge is good.
Django Unchained has been showing
in French cinemas since 16th of
January and continues to play. It has
been nominated for 5 Oscars
including Best Picture.
24
So ULIP got flashed,
But Catriona saved the day;
True comic book lass.
25
KITCHEN CORNER
BA3’s star baker, Becky Cunningham, has sent Parlons this
warming syrup sponge recipe which is perfect for a cold
February evening. It even works in a microwave so, go on, let
your inner baker out!
Hi everyone, even though Baker’s Guild doesn’t technically exist anymore,
I just couldn’t resist suggesting a recipe for our beautiful glossy Parlons.
I’m assuming that most of you have a kitchen as well-equipped as ours,
with a pathetic excuse for an oven, two hob-rings and maybe you’re even
lucky enough to have a microwave!
I was going to find a recipe for making some lovely macaroons, but
without an actual kitchen you’re better off just buying some (trust me I’ve
tried – major balls up.) Instead, here is a microwave friendly recipe that
works every time. It involves buying some Golden Syrup, but it’s worth the
trip to WH Smiths or Marks and Spencer- especially when you can stock
up on some bacon and other fabulous English goodies at the same time.
Syrup sponge pudding
Enough to make 4 mugs
4 tablespoons of golden syrup
60g butter
60g sugar
1 egg
60g flour
¼ sachet raising agent
Mix together the butter and sugar. Beat in the eggs and then stir in the
flour and raising agent.
Put a tablespoon of syrup (or more) into each mug, and then divide the
sponge mixture amongst them. Each one should take about 1 minute
in the microwave, or if you want to make a big one 5 minutes -just
treble the ingredients and use a glass bowl instead. Exquisite.
26
BEAUTIFUL QUEBEC
This issue, Erica’s corner gives us a little taste of
Canada.
Last week when a water main burst
near Montreal’s reservoir, sending a
torrent of water down the hill
through the McGill campus (my
alma mater!), I got a serious case of
homesickness. Where else does a
metre of water freeze in eight
minutes? Where else can you see
brave (stupid?) students carried
away in a vain attempt to cross the
street?
The snow was all gone by April 26
and then the springtime revelry
began. Montreal in the warm part of
spring is truly something to behold.
Winter coats and boots are almost
instantly exchanged for strappy
sandals, shorts and sun dresses. The
interior seating in restaurants is
completely abandoned for the next
five months; many relationships end
when springtime optimism sends us
seeking someone new, less pasty
and not reminiscent of the cold days
of a long winter. Celebrate the
arrival of spring Montreal-style.
Shrug off the old, soak up the new,
but steer clear of the deluge.
I’ll recommend a few great Montreal
films available in the library :
Le déclin de l’empire américain by
Denis Arcand
C.R.A.Z.Y. by Jean-Marc Vallée
I have some very distinct cold
weather memories of winters in
Montreal. Once, coming back from
the dépanneur (corner store), it was
so cold the plastic bag I was
carrying
shattered.
A
friend,
recently arrived from Côte d’Ivoire,
insisted on hanging his clothes to
dry and broke a shirt clean in half
taking it off the line. I used to drive
an old Renault 5 (Le Car!) painted
with zebra stripes. It was a
dangerous vehicle at the best of
times but we once got caught in a
terrific snow storm on April 24 and
I was sure I would kill myself and
the passengers in the 30 or 40
centimetres of snow that fell in two
hours.
Les amours imaginaires by Xavier
Dolan
Coming soon : Mésrine the epic by
Jean-François Richet
Test
your
Québécois :
understanding
of
www.tetesaclaques.tv.com/category
/q/quebecois/
Stay warm, wear sunscreen, take
your time,
Erica
27
GEEK CORNER
Ever-faithful Parlons columnist Jess Burton, the glorious
geek-girl of BA3 is, back for your reading pleasure and
this issue’s column has it all: Films, Comics and even a
brief mention of Beyoncé! What more could you want?
Yo. Me again! How are you all my
lovelies? Can you believe we're
already in the second month of
2013??? Dat shit cray (ain't it
Jay...and so forth and so forth). A
pretty immense year in the world of
geekery am I right ladies? (NB- I do
apologise, I'm testing the waters of
saying 'am I right ladies' after every
sentence. Try it. Seriously. It is too
good). Coming up for your viewing
pleasure: Phase 2 of Marvel's epic
movie releases, with Iron Man 3,
Captain America 2, Thor 2, Man of
Steel. There will also be the releases
of STAR TREK 2 (I'm excited, you
may be able to tell); The Hobbit Pt 2;
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
aaaand, if all those movies weren't
enough, it's also Doctor Who's 50th
Anniversary (exciting news also that
the guy who plays Filch in Harry
Potter is taking on the role of the
first Doc)! Phew, quite a bit to whet
your appetite, am I right ladies? (lol)
What's more, practically the whole
world now knows about everything
that used to be on the fringes of
society, to such an extent that the
trailers for Iron Man and Star Trek
were even shown during the
Superbowl last week alongside our
Queen Beyonce! Now that's mixing
mediums for you.
28
Speaking of mixing mediums, I'm sure
you've all heard the news that Disney
have bought Lucasfilm i.e. the
company that created the entire Star
Wars franchise, with the intention of
creating a whole new range of Star
Wars films. And yes, I admit the
prospect makes me a little nervous.
It’s not that I’m one of those puritan
fans who absolutely despise the
Epiodes I- III prequels, in fact (and I
really hope there isn't an Emperoresque figure from the fansites waiting
to laser blast me for saying this) I
rather enjoyed them. I'm just not sure
about a whole new batch. Let sleeping
dragons lie, as it were. There has also
been a resurfacing of the crazies who
insist that they won't see the film
unless the original actors take
part....ummm, no. Just no. However,
rumoured to be directing the next
movie is none other than JJ Abrams,
who you might remember from some
tiny little things like Lost, Fringe,
Mission Impossible III and Star Trek,
boding for an impressive continuation
of the franchise. But, is it really OK for
one man to have such power over a
genre and indeed, a whole sub-culture
of people? Because let's face it, Star
Trek and Star Wars (never confuse the
two) are the founding fathers of
science fiction. So good luck to you JJ,
I think you're going to need it...
Also on the horizon this year are
some momentous occasions for
comic-conventions. Comic Con SanDiego, THE place to get all your geek
for the coming years, is set to
become the longest continuously
run comics and popular art
convention when it celebrates its
44th birthday in July. In fact, it has
become so popular that over
150,000 tickets are sold within
minutes of going online which has
prompted a new system where
potential attendees have to have
had membership to the site for over
a year. WHAT?? I'm just a bit bitter...
On a smaller scale and closer to
home, Comic-Con France is also
celebrating this year: but this time
its 5th birthday. A thoroughly
enjoyable weekend at Villepinte, I
would highly recommend attending
this convention if you're in Paris in
early July- it offers a nice insight
into conventions without being on
such a huge scale that you get
crushed. Word of advice though,
Comic Con shares a hall with Japan
Expo and I'm not going to lie to you,
it can be scary at times. Being
hugged by various manga/anime
characters is the norm and you will
see some batshit cray things (my
favourite from last year I think has
to be a gang of Yoshis being chased
by Jesus- nope, I don't understand
either!). Just take it in your stride.
And if that fails, use Kryptonite. Inkeeping with the Comics theme, you
may have seen the posters for la
40eme festivale de la BandeDessinée d'Angouleme which takes
place annually (unsurprisingly) in
Angouleme in the South of France. I
attended it this year and it’s another
very worthwhile experience. The whole
town is converted into a comic-book
paradise, focusing particularly on the
Franco-Belgian industry and with a
multitude of conferences and debates
discussing issues surrounding comics.
My favourite by far was the debate on
homosexual authors and portrayals in
comics- just imagine a heated debate
between around 30 LGBT people in
one room, with comics thrown inamaaazing!
Well that's all from me for this issue
my fine folks, go out and enjoy what is
to come!
Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.
AM I RIGHT LAYDEEEEEES?? (too
far?.....yup....ok...bye then)
29
GRADUATION SURVIVAL GUIDE
Worried about what to do after graduation? Fear not, your
HR Officer, Ross-Jan Bierczak, is here to restore the ‘Keep
Calm & Carry On’ British attitude that is buried deep in all
of us and deliver his postgraduate survival guide to all
Ulippeurs and Ulippeuses alike.
There IS hope beyond graduation
The end of the academic year is
approaching. For BA1 students,
there is a big sigh of relief. In BA2,
for some it has begun to sink in,
while others are still blissfully
unaware. For the BA3s, however, it’s
panique à bord: Little over a month
of lectures left and no prospects
beyond the horizon of graduation.
First thing’s first, I am going to clear
up many of the myths that seem to
be doing the rounds at ULIP
regarding postgraduate prospects.
I have a ULIP degree and no
experience. Why on earth would an
employer want to hire me?
From what I hear, a lot of you are
thinking that without experience
and with a ULIP degree, how on
earth will you manage to find a job?
It seems that many ULIP students
have forgotten just how great our
profiles could seem to an employer.
Take a look at us, we upped sticks
and jumped the channel to start a
wonderful 3 years in this beautiful
city to learn another language and
integrate into another culture, if
that doesn’t show courage and
perseverance
(two
qualities
employers admire in potential
employees, I might add), then I don’t
know what does. Even without
experience,
ULIP students
are
considered some of the most
employable. “Why?” I hear you ask.
Well first and foremost, being native
Anglophones with a pretty decent
level of French is a highly sought
after
quality,
especially
for
multinational
corporations
and
British/American
organisations
based in France.
30
I have no idea what to do. How do I
get a job when I have no idea where
to start?
Firstly, I would like to clear up that
no one is saying you need to get a
job. Yes, thinking ahead to the
future is important. Yes, building a
path to where you want to be does
require
a
certain
level
of
anticipation and knowing what you
want to do in life. But no one is
saying you need to know where you
want to be in 5 years’ time to be
able to choose where you go today.
The best advice I ever received was
to start with what interests you.
Concentrate on that and one day,
you’ll be one of those lucky enough
to be able to make a living doing
what interests them most. For those
who are still lost, my advice is to try
something, anything. If you end up
hating it, at least you’ll have an idea
of what direction NOT to go in.
What about further study?
For some of you, the mere idea of
continuing study after devoting
more than 15 years of your lives to
academia is too excruciatingly
painful to ponder for too long. For
those without experience who really
have no idea what to do however,
why not go into something you have
an abundance of experience in:
studying! There are many benefits
to continuing your studies into
Master level, especially in France
where a Masters is practically free!
Fun fact: Having a Masters under
your belt even bumps you up that
wage bracket ladder, so it even pays
off financially!
Get-A-Job Kit
I have compiled a Get-A-Job kit with CV and Covering Letter templates and
resources for finding jobs and internships. Just send me an e-mail and I
will forward that on to any who would like one. Careers talks & meetings If
you’re still unconvinced, I really urge you to come find me and we’ll talk it
through and find a solution. I’m reachable by phone and by mail (below),
but the best way to get hold of me is to grab me at Uni. Furthermore, our
very own Liz Wilkinson is back this month to give more talks on how to
crack the job market and to resolve all your worries regarding
postgraduate employment. So don’t miss out on that! I will do my best to
arrange some talks towards the end of the academic year, so if any of you
want a real point of view of what it’s like to work in a particular domain,
don’t hesitate to get in touch. Other resources In the following weeks, I
will be posting informative articles regarding some of the more obvious
career choices such as translation and interpreting and, as always, there
are information leaflets and books in the library covering a whole host of
different aspects of developing your career. Don’t hesitate to ask Erica for
further details.
31
ASK SOPHIE
Sophie Lawrence is here, as always, to solve our
problems. Also, remember that she exists outside the
pages of Parlons and is happy to give out condoms,
tampons and advice at almost any time.
I think I’ve given my boyfriend an STI. I really, really love him but I may have
cheated on him early on in our relationship. I found out that the person had
something and I think I have it too. This would break us apart if he knew. What
should I do?
Dear Ulipper,
This I will admit is a very awkward
case. You are obviously regretful
regarding the decisions you made in
the early stages of your relationship
and now are faced with a new very
stressful decision. The first thing I
must say to you is GET YOURSELF
CHECKED. You have written to me
without actually knowing whether
or not you have an STI. Before you
do anything else, go to a clinic and
be sure of the situation. Email me if
you need some information about
where to go. I would happily spend
my time writing a dissertation on
how I personally feel about
cheating, especially on someone you
‘really, really love’ but that is not my
business and that is not what your
question is about. I will however
advise that you avoid repeating your
slip-up in order to maintain the
relationship you have with your
boyfriend.
32
Worst case scenario is that you find
out that you’re right – you have an
STI. You have been told which
infection it is and you are now free
to decide how to handle this
information. Most STIs are found
through the symptoms they cause
so do your research. Prepare
yourself
for
your
boyfriend
explaining that he’s suffering from
strange or unusual outbreak or
whatever
happens
when
you
contract an STI and refrain from
having sex until you get cleared up.
I understand that you’re probably
worried as suddenly not sleeping
together may lead to questions and
concerns but no matter what
happens, do not have unprotected
sex. You want to prevent the
infection from passing if it hasn’t
already.
If you have been in a relationship
with your boyfriend for a while and
you both love each other, ultimately
you need to be honest. You made a
mistake, it isn’t okay but it happens.
You probably hoped you could keep
it a secret but, if your results do
come back positive, you need to give
him the chance to get the infection
cleared up before it becomes
serious. Surely you respect and care
for him enough to understand you
have to do that. I have no idea how
your relationship works but it’s true
that honesty is crucial to make it
function. I am sure you’re a
trustworthy partner who messed up
one time. I am not promising you
that he will feel the same way and
let it go but he will eventually
appreciate that you told him the
truth. IF HE HAS AN STI HE SHOULD
KNOW! Goodluck my anonymous
trooper. Start making the right
decisions.
Sophie. I’m lost. I’m about to graduate and I have no idea what I’m going to
do in the near future. It seems as though everybody has plans and knows
what they’re doing and I just don’t! What can I do? It’s the first time I’ll have
had no plans for what’s coming up.
GRADUATION! The word that we
have all been waiting for and now
that it’s here, we wish it would get
the hell away from us. Yes. It is
petrifying. It is horrifying. It is sad
and crazy and mortifying.
BUT… It’s also exciting, amazing,
fantastic and probably one of the
most important moments of your
life.
Everyone
grows
more
apprehensive as the day approaches
because we all fall into this black
hole where we realize we have to
become real people who don’t piss
about and prioritize alcohol and
partying
over
studying
and
responsibility (although we were in
that same black hole at the start of
3rd year… which I know most of us
third
years
quickly
forgot
about…me included.) Everyone’s
freak out is mainly down to the
concept of change. We have been in
this tiny institution with all our
friends, all the familiar faces for 3
years. We have been members of
this strange close environment in
Paris for a long time and now
suddenly we are going to be thrown
into a completely new one. Whether
that be back to the UK, going abroad
or even staying in Paris to work,
Change is frickin’ scary!
I cannot sit here and tell you where
you will be and what you will be
doing in September. I can tell you
that the majority of the people
around me are in the exact same
position – “I’m just going to carry
on drinking and wait for my
profession to come to me” –
“I don’t wanna grow up! Lets get a
flight to Neverland please!” – “All I
know is that I am going to move
back in with mum and dad and have
everything done for me. Reality can
wait.” As you can see, it’s not just
you. Calm down, and look at this
logically. - Take time off? Travel,
relax, figure things out. - Further
education? Look through master’s
degrees or other qualifications Work? Get looking through job
offers, whether it is to earn money
or exercise a passion.
These are the main categories. All of
which are not permanent and will
not control your life forever after
you have graduated. Instead of
thinking of yourself as a psychotic
anxiety machine who will forever
remain a tramp with no hobbies and
no ambition, realize that it’s actually
more bizarre to find someone who
DOES know what they want. I’m
going to do a master’s. I may not
forever lead my life under this
profession but, I know I want this
experience. So why wouldn’t I just
go for it? Try and see the options in
front of you as experiences instead
of jail sentences. You are free to
choose, pursue and quit whatever
you like whenever you like.
CALM YOURSELF - Chat to others.
Research. You will not have an
epiphany before graduation which
has mapped out the next 50 years of
your life. You’re a student with a lot
on offer and a lot of time to do a lot
of stuff.
Good luck, make sure you enjoy
yourself. YOLO!
33
ON THE BOX
Laurie Ainscough (BA3) takes time out from sitting in a
dark room on his computer to sit in a dark room on his
computer typing and recommend some stuff you should
be watching instead of doing your essays.
Have you seen Homeland? The Wire
is the best TV series of the century.
Breaking Bad is beyond. Girls is so
postmodern, basically my life. Can’t
wait for new Mad Men. The Walking
Dead is dead good. Games of
Thrones; New Girl; Boardwalk
Empire; Sherlock; The Killing; The
Thick of It; Ru Paul’s Drag Race.........
Can you hear that whistle? Reaching
a deafening roar. That’s the sound
of the wind blowing through the gap
on my CV for ‘Interests and
Hobbies’.
I
don’t
like
doing
anything, all I want forever is to sit
in my room and do nothing and
watch TV. I pay enough rent so I
might as well get my money’s worth.
But when you hear these sorts of
recommendations
from
people
around you it’s hard to know where
to begin. Unlike films, TV gives you
time to get to know the characters
over a long period of time. Although
film is now considered an art form
in itself, TV is still relatively new to
being taken seriously; there is still a
lazy easy air to watching it. Some of
the shows kicking around may be
worth the hype, but there are a few
beauticious TV series which have
been forgotten by most, even when
they were being broadcast. This is
me telling you why you should
waste your life with them and not
the others. After all, it’s easier to
find a good Putlocker link for stuff
that’s been out for a while.
34
One that was widely acclaimed at
the time but quite often forgotten is
Six Feet Under (2001 - 2005); the
best TV show in the history of
mankind, originally shown in the UK
early in the morning or on More4
(who?). A drama set around the lives
of the Fisher family who live in and
run a funeral home in Los Angeles.
It is hard to express how accurate,
funny, depressing and everything it
is without doing that thing where
you say it so much that it makes the
other person NOT want to watch it.
Each episode begins with a death,
usually of a soon to be customer
and plot focus for the episode, and
is a gem in itself. Notable ones
include the woman crushed by a
block of frozen wee, the porn star
electrocuted by her cat and the man
killed in a giant bread mixer; or,
maybe more relevant recently, is the
terrifying office shooting. There’s
lots of sex and death, sometimes
both
at
once.
Occasionally
gruesome, SFU is incredible in its
ability to be epic and understated at
the same time. The characters only
get better with time, and if you
decide to try it, you’ll find yourself
caring for them as if they were
members of your own family.
the lives of those around her whilst
attempting to steal her wheelchairbound neighbour’s husband. Most
people probably won’t like it. When I
say that it is dark humour, it’s
pretty dark; it’s called Nighty Night
after all. But if you do get it, you’ll
really get it. (The second series is
crap though don’t bother)
If you want something a bit shorter
and have worked out your VPN or
ExpatShield, 4oD have something
from 2002 called The Book Group.
A quiet little almost comedy drama
about
a
group
of
weirdos
occasionally meeting up and not
discussing books. There’s a stand
out performance from Michelle
Gomez (Sue White from Green
Wing). Easily watched all in one go,
it’s unpretentious and a bit strange.
There’s a lot of awkwardness; as
much as you would expect from a
group of strangers who don’t really
like each other a lot of the time.
Everyone loves to watch people
squirm and be glad it’s not them.
And if you like to writhe then watch
Nighty Night (2004), originally
shown on BBC3, and starring Julia
Davies who you’ll recognise as that
person from that thing.
An iconic figure of British TV, if not
human history, has to be her
character of Jill Tyrell. “I'm not a
malicious woman and I will strike
down the first person who says that
I am.” A composite of all the most
disturbed crazies and psychopaths,
the devil in a pink and diamanté
halter neck with a West Country
accent, she does all she can to ruin
the lives of those around her whilst
attempting to steal her wheelchairbound neighbour’s husband. Most
Or you know, you could like...do
work or read a book or whatever.
Nobody tells the truth on their CV
anyway, so we should all focus on
our thigh gaps instead.
35