Fostering Families Today

Transcription

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W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y . C O M
editorial
A BIMONTHLY RESOURCE MAGAZINE FOR FAMILIES AND PROFESSIONALS
When Foster Care Gets Tough,
the Tough Get Stronger
N
ers. Most likely, the initial case plan for any child in foster
care will work toward reunifying the children with their parents. Because of this it is absolutely imperative that the foster
parents help support this process. In the event that reunification will not occur, case managers will most likely
turn to relatives of the child to offer some sort of
permanency. It is equally important that foster parents work with relatives to help create connections
and meaningful relationships. This is not always
easy, nor does it always feel as if it’s in a child’s
best interest. Foster parents invest countless hours,
sleepless nights and tears as a child they have come
In this issue, you will find a multitude of articles that should to love is required to leave their nest.
be at the forefront of everyone’s minds as they work with
children in care. First and foremost, caseworkers, foster
Foster parenting is tough. It definitely requires a
parents, judges and others need to recognize that a child will special heart and skill to parent children with all
grieve for the family he or she has lost, as well as the loss
your heart and then let them go. We hope that the
of friends, schools and simply knowing what to expect day
stories in this issue will help you have a deeper
after day. While the child may have come into care for good understanding of the important role you play in
reasons, it does not mean that the child is happy about his
a child’s life, as well as the work that needs to be
or her circumstances and does not miss home, parents and done to support reunification and help a child heal from the
siblings. The articles on grief can help us all understand the experience of foster parents. We hope too, that you will take
foster child’s perspective on a deeper level, and hopefully
a few moments to heal your own heart and prepare yourself
foster parents will be better able to help the children in their as you find a way to open your arms and welcome another
homes as they struggle with the grief and loss in their lives. child into your fold — there are so many who need you.
kim phagan-hansel
o one ever said foster care is easy. In fact, it may
just be the toughest job you’ll ever love, despite the
sleepless nights spent worrying, the tears shed and
the love you will feel for a child who will be with you indefinitely. The children in foster care have had such rough lives
from being abused and neglected in birth families to moving
into a stranger’s home. Bur foster parents are so vital to a
child’s success and the focus of every adult who comes into
contact with that child from the moment he or she enters
foster care should be to help that child and make the circumstances easier for the child.
Kim
The second topic of importance in this issue includes several
articles on working with birth parents and kinship caregiv-
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Volume 13 Issue 6
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26
focus
features
Improve Outcomes and Save
Lives with One Simple Tool . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Cassidy Mack Speaks Out
About Moving Beyond Foster Care . . . . . . 16
When Grief Comes to Children . . . . . . . . . 48
By Rhonda Sciortino
By Kim Phagan-Hansel
Why it is Important for Foster
Parents and Parents of Children
in Foster Care to Work Together . . . . . . . . . 24
ABC Family’s The Fosters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
What Happens When
You Lose Due to a Mix Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
By Erik Cooper and Juan Diego ‘JD’ Parra
By Ramona Rachal
By Sandra Killett
Foster Parents Making the Connection . . . 36
The Value of Accreditation
for Foster Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
By Beverly J. Paramore
Successfully Working with Birth Families . . 26
By Stan Waddell and Araceli Salcedo
By Caryl Harvey
By Richard Klarberg
Grief: Part of the Healing Process . . . . . . . 42
By June Bond, BA, M.Ed.
Kinship Families and Birth Parents: The
Rewards and Complexities of Our Work . . 28
By Ken Mysogland
Tapestries of Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56
By Jan Dick, LCSW
Ripped from Our Hearts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
NFPA: Walk Me Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59
By Cheryl Trzasko
My Kinship Parenting Journey . . . . . . . . . . 30
By Tracey Forrest
By William “Buddy” Hooper
Why Childhood Traumatic Grief? . . . . . . . . 46
A Family That Fosters Together . . . . . . . . . . 60
By Araceli Salcedo
By Rachel Ann Pieske
Complexities of Foster Care:
A Birth Mother’s Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
By Sarah Davis
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W W W. F O S T E R I N G FA M I L I E S T O D AY. C O M
Richard Fischer
Publisher
Kim Phagan-Hansel
Editor
Kim Phagan-Hansel
Art Director
34
60
columns
in every issue
The Washington Beat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Editorial . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
By Nicole Dobbins
News & Views . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
The Early Years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
By Noelle Hause, Ed.D., LPC
The Adoption Exchange . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
By Chelsea Taylor, MSW, and Alison Caliendo
Children’s Rights News . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
By Lauren Kidd Ferguson
Everyday Heroes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
By Juan Diego ‘JD’ Parra and Erik Cooper
Fostering Families. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
By Mark Anthony Garrett
Must Reads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40
By Kim Phagan-Hansel and Raynard Vincent Price
Voices of Experience. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
By Adam Robe, MSW
CEU Quiz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
Family Talk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
By Drs. James and Mary Kenny
Advisory Board
Lisa Albers, M.D. M.P.H.
Harvard Medical School
June Bond, M.Ed.
Adoption Advocacy of South Carolina
Irene Clements
National Foster Parent Association
M. Kim Combes, LBSW, M.Ed.
Adoptive Parent, Therapist, Presenter
Nicole Dobbins
Voice for Adoption
Marcine Fernandes
Massachusetts Foster Care School Liaison
Maureen K. Flatley
adoption advocate
Jerry Foxhoven
Executive Director, Drake Legal Clinic
Drake University Law
Sarah Gerstenzang
New York State Citizens’ Coalition for Children
Linda Grillo
Adoptive Families Together
James Kenny, Ph.D.
Psychologist and Founder of Adoption
in Child Time, Inc.
Peter Kenny, JD
Lawyer and Founder of Adoption
in Child Time, Inc.
Pat O’Brien
You Gotta Believe!
Eileen Mayers Pasztor, DSW
California State University at Long Beach
Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ph.D.
Pavao Consulting and Coaching (PCC)
Pre/Post Adoption Consulting and Training (PACT)
Raynard Price
Therapeutic Foster and Adoptive Parent
Debbie Riley, M.S.
C.A.S.E. of Maryland
Adam Robe
Foster Care Alumni of America
Debra Schell-Frank, Ed.D.
Educator
Barbara Tremitiere, Ph.D.
One Another Adoption Program
Fostering Families TODAY is published bimonthly by
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On the Cover
Israel, 9, and Isaiah, 10,
want to grow up together!
They are members of the
Sioux tribe. Isaiah likes to
laugh and play with other
children. Isaiah is always
up for family activities
and loves participating
in Boy Scouts. He enjoys all types of foods and is
willing to try new ones. In the third grade, he benefits from an Individualized Education Plan. Israel
is also a sweet boy who likes making friends! He
adores his big brother, so he is also happy playing
outside, swimming, playing video games, watching
movies, playing games and participating in family
activities. Both of the boys benefit from counseling,
which may need to continue after placement. The
caseworker believes that the children would do well
in a two-parent home where they are the only children, or where there is an older child. A parent who
stays home would be a plus. For more information,
contact The Adoption Exchange at (800) 451-5246.
Child ID 10316 &10315 Photo courtesy of Christina Lear
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news views
ATTACHMENT & TRAUMA NETWORK
LAUNCHES ESSENTIAL CONVERSATIONS
FOR THERAPEUTIC PARENTS SERIES
The Attachment & Trauma Network recently
opened its new Learning Center at www.attachu.
org with its five-part webinar series, Essential
Conversations for Therapeutic Parents. The
series covers some of the most important issues
facing parents and caregivers of children with
issues of trauma and attachment impairments,
including the nature of trauma; how trauma can
impact a child’s brain development and behavior;
the nature of therapeutic parenting and how to
manage life while parenting a traumatized child.
The series also addresses how to know when it’s
time to seek professional help, what to look for
in a professional, plus the types of therapies and
interventions that have proven most helpful.
The webinars are presented in a parent-friendly,
conversational style by experienced therapeutic
parents and mental-health professionals who are
experts in the field of trauma and attachment.
Each 60-90 minute presentation comes with a set
of downloadable/printable hand-outs, including
terms and definitions used in the webinar, a list
of resources, readings and references.
“We hope this series will serve to inform parents,
professionals and the general public,” said ATN’s
Education Director, Anna Paravano. “But it was
most important to focus on the shift in parenting
that traumatized children need from us to help
heal their relational wounds, and to convey the
message to parents and children that — You Are
Not Alone.”
For more information on attachment and
trauma, visit www.attachtrauma.org.
THE SOUTH CAROLINA HEART GALLERY
FOUNDATION PROVES A SUCCESS
More than 50 percent of children who are legally
available for adoption and go through the South
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Carolina Heart Gallery are matched with a family.
Between October 2012 and the end of September
2013, 73 new families started the adoption process through the South Carolina Heart Gallery.
Millie Qualls, program coordinator of the South
Carolina Heart Gallery, attributes many of these
new families to the support and resources provided by the Foundation established to support
the Gallery’s work.
“We can directly or indirectly connect these new
families to the work of the South Carolina Heart
Gallery Foundation,” Qualls said.
Clark Smith, chairman of the Board for the
Foundation, stressed the role of the Foundation's
video website, social media presence, and TV
commercial series in seeing these great results.
“Using video content to tell the story of the Foundation and the work we do instead of using text
and pictures is the future of the Internet,” Smith
said. “Content is so important to the SC Heart
Gallery Foundation."
For more information, visit http://www.schgf.
org.
CONGRESSIONAL COALITION ON ADOPTION
INSTITUTE ACCEPTS APPLICATIONS
FOR FOSTER YOUTH INTERNSHIP PROGRAM
The Congressional Coalition on Adoption
institute is accepting applications for its summer
Foster Youth Internship Program. The application deadline is Jan. 9, 2014 at 5 p.m. Eastern
Time. CCAI must receive your completed
application, including the application form,
resume, transcript, essay, short answer questions, and two letters of recommendation and
recommendation forms by this date via email
to allison@ccainstitute.org. Applicants will be
notified of the selection committee’s decision to
move applicants to the interview phase by Feb.
7. All applicants will know of their acceptance
into the Foster Youth Internship Program by Feb.
18. The 2014 Foster Youth Internship Program
will take place May 27 through July 30. For more
information, visit http://www.ccainstitute.org/
our-programs/foster-youth-internship/apply.
html or contact Allison Cappa at 202-544-8500
or allison@ccainstitute.org.
FEWER CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT
VICTIMS FOR SIXTH CONSECUTIVE YEAR
The number of children suffering abuse and maltreatment has dropped nationwide for the sixth
consecutive year, according to a report from the
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’
Administration for Children and Families.
The report estimates there were 686,000 cases of
child abuse or neglect across the country in 2012.
While this indicates a steady decrease since 2007,
when there were approximately 723,000 reports
of abuse, it also serves as a reminder that there
is more work still to be done. Several states cited
improvements to their child abuse reporting
system, such as implementing or expanding
alternative response programs and introducing a
centralized intake system.
While the number of abuse victims has
decreased, the number of fatalities attributable to child abuse and neglect appears to have
increased from 1,580 in 2011 to 1,640 in 2012.
Researchers are still working to determine
whether this is a real increase in child fatalities
or if improvements to how states investigate and
report child fatalities have improved our ability
to determine which deaths are attributable to
abuse and neglect.
“The overall reduction in abuse and neglect is
encouraging, but there are still significant areas
for improvement,” said Acting Assistant Secretary
for Children and Families Mark Greenberg.
“The growth in reported child fatalities could
be attributable to improved reporting, but it is
important to determine why such fatalities occur
so we can continue to strengthen our efforts to
protect children from all forms of harm.”
The report also describes the characteristics of
families experiencing maltreatment. According
to the report:
• 80.3 percent of the abusers were the victim’s
parent.
• 6.1 percent were family members other than
parents.
• 4.2 percent were unmarried partners of the
victim’s parent.
• 3.1 percent of the abusers had an “unknown”
relationship with the victim.
• 4.6 percent had an “other” relationship with the
victim, including siblings, victim’s boyfriend/
girlfriend, stranger and babysitter.
• Remaining categories, including foster parents,
legal guardians, friends and neighbors each
represented less than 0.5 percent.
To view the full report, visit http://www.acf.hhs.
gov/programs/cb/research-data-technology/
statistics-research/child-maltreatment. Additional information on how to prevent child abuse
is available at the Child Welfare Information
Gateway, at http://www.childwelfare.gov.
A Foster Child’s
Wish Come True
Festus is a young man
who is on his way to
medical school. Despite
his tragic past he has
risen above and is accomplishing amazing
things. Festus is emancipated and has absolutely
no support, he is one
incredible youth. His
one simple wish was for
a gift card to amazon to
help pay for his medical
school books.
One Simple Wish enables everyone to make a difference in the
lives of foster children and at-risk youth by allowing them to
grant their wishes through One Simple Wish’s website at www.
onesimplewish.org. If you are interested in granting a wish or
have a foster child who would like to submit a wish, write to
info@onesimplewish.org.
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the adoption exchange
B Y C H E L S E A TAY L O R , M S W
Surviving the Fight
T
here are fighters, survivors and heroes
in this world, living their lives through
hope of something new, loving and
safe.
Colleen, whose name has been changed to
protect her privacy, entered the foster care
system when she was just 4 years old, after
unstable housing, an absent mother, physical
abuse and constant hunger. When she was
removed from her biological family, she was
separated from her older brother who was
placed in a different foster home. Colleen was
angry and scared and didn’t know how to
express herself to her new foster parents, so
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she hit, punched, kicked and screamed. She
would scream loudly and for hours at a time
because where she was from, it was the only
way her voice was heard. The foster parents
decided they could no longer handle Colleen;
she was becoming too violent, and they
couldn’t manage her screaming.
Colleen became a fighter. She was removed
and separated from her younger brother.
Colleen was placed in another foster home.
Colleen fought and screamed but was never
heard. Years passed and she was moved to
four more foster homes before her team
found an adoptive family out of state who
The team continued their search for her
adoptive home and found a family who had
never adopted but had a biological son and
who said they were ready to parent Colleen.
They knew Colleen was a fighter, but they
knew she was a survivor too. They told
Colleen they would never give up on her
and that she would always be their daughter.
Colleen didn’t know how to express her fears
and her doubts so she hit, punched, kicked
and screamed. Colleen wasn’t asked to leave.
Colleen wanted her voice heard so she hit
harder, punched more often, kicked repeatedly and screamed louder. Colleen wasn’t
asked to leave. Her family started teaching
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Older youth in foster care are constantly questioned about their desire to
be adopted. Many wonder why they would want to join a new family at
the age that most teenagers are fighting for their independence and freedom. But I don’t question their desire or wonder why they would want to
be loved, safe and feel that sense of belonging that brings so much joy
and happiness. Many youth in foster care want to have hope and belief
that their team members — caseworker, adoption recruiter, GAL, CASA,
therapist and others — are going to advocate for their best interest. That,
even though they are often scared and anxious about which family will
be matched with them, they know that their future family is out there
and they just need to be found. Older waiting youth aren’t unlovable
because they’re teenagers, they aren’t trouble-makers and they don’t
need a family any less than any other child. They want to know what it
means to be loved unconditionally, for someone to guide them when
they make a mistake, they want to have sleepovers with friends without
caseworkers signing releases, they just want to be a part of something
greater than themselves. Many of these older youth will continue to
wait for their teams to find them their forever families, so when they’re
adopted they can be like the average teenager and fight for their independence and freedom. Colleen how to use her voice, how to share
her fears, doubts and opinions without the
hitting, punching, kicking and screaming.
Colleen started expressing herself with words,
sharing her story and using her voice to connect with her family.
Colleen became a hero. Colleen’s voice was
heard, and she had something new, loving
and safe — a forever family. Colleen was
adopted and is now teaching the newest addi-
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tions to her family, three younger adopted
siblings, how to use their voices because she
knows they are angry and scared and just
want to be heard. ❁
B Y C H E L S E A TAY L O R , M S W
Colleen became a survivor. Fourth grade was
tough, because Colleen had been in three
fourth grade classes. She was now in her seventh home, seventh set of rules, seventh set of
expectations, seventh classroom and seventh
time that she felt like she didn’t know how
to express herself to her new foster parents;
so she hit, punched, kicked and screamed.
Colleen was trying to find her voice.
An Adoption Recruiter’s Perspective
on Teens Waiting in Foster Care
were willing to learn about her needs and
were ready to parent Colleen. There were visits, phone calls and family therapy sessions
to help prepare the family and Colleen for
this transition. After a month-and-one-half,
Colleen moved home to her new family. But
things weren’t different; Colleen still didn’t
know how to share her feelings, fears or voice
so she hit, punched, kicked and screamed.
After two weeks, the family sent Colleen back
on an airplane with a social worker.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Chelsea Taylor, MSW,
is the adoption recruitment director for The
Adoption Exchange. She joined the organization in 2010 and has since helped find homes
for more than 20 older waiting youth.
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BY ALISON CALIENDO
Formal Kinship Caregivers
and the Challenge of Licensing
O
ne off my fifirst experiences
i
with
i ha
formal kinship family was with a
spirited grandmother named Annette,
whose name has been changed to protect her
privacy. When Child Protective Services called,
she unquestioningly accepted placement of
her five grandchildren. The children’s mother
il andd ffamiliar
ily
ili community
i andd activities,
i ii
including school and church.
However, after several months had passed,
Annette found she was spending much of her
time fighting to become a licensed caregiver
so she could get access to foster parent train-
Relative homes are just as safe or safer
than non-relative placements. Children are
less likely to be re-abused or neglected,
they experience fewer placement moves,
and they are more likely to be kept with
their siblings.
had been murdered in front of them, and
their father subsequently incarcerated. These
children were lucky to have a stable relative
willing to step in and provide fierce love and
protection in addition to a connection to fam1 0
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ing, education in trauma-informed parenting,
and financial reimbursement. This was time
she would have preferred to spend providing
additional care for the children, but the cost
of their care had quickly drained her savings
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andd she
h hhadd to take
k a leave
l
off absence
b
ffrom
work to provide transportation for their many
required appointments. She didn’t know how
she could continue to support them.
A licensing worker had visited her home and
said she would have to move into a larger
house in order to have the correct number
of bedrooms as required by licensing regulations. Even though the cost of moving was
prohibitive, the child welfare agency said there
was nothing they could do to assist her.
Annette did not understand why she had been
approved for placement of the five children
if she did not meet the requirements for
licensure. She was confused, overwhelmed,
scared and nearly broke trying to care for the
five children. But Annette’s experience was
not unique. While the number of unlicensed
formal kinship caregivers is unknown, qualitative data suggests the number is not inconsequential, and this number is only likely to
Annette became an unlicensed formal kinship
caregiver, doing the work of a foster parent
with no financial support.
Formal kinship care has increased throughout
the past decades due in part to its well-documented advantages. Relative homes are just
as safe or safer than non-relative placements.
Children are less likely to be re-abused or
neglected, they experience fewer placement
moves, and they are more likely to be kept with
their siblings. If needed, kinship caregivers
are more likely to provide permanency in the
form of guardianship or adoption. Most significantly, relative placements allow vulnerable
children to maintain family and community
connections, according to Kids Are Waiting
and Generations United published in 2007.
This disconnect in placement and licensing
policy creates a two-tiered system of care
for children placed in formal kinship care.
Annette was denied licensure based on the
inadequate number of bedrooms in her home.
With the placement, but without licensing,
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While federal law supports relative placement, each state dictates separate
requirements for foster parent licensing. These licensing requirements can go
beyond what is required to meet standards
for placement, for example, the specific
number and use of bedrooms for children.
Unlicensed kinship caregivers have limited
access to training, support and financial
resources. For the foster children in their
homes, unlicensed relatives are potentially
unable to provide the same quality of care as
licensed relatives. The children in unlicensed
homes do not receive access to the same support, such as a caregiver trained in traumainformed care, a fully inspected home, and
supplemental financial resources to sustain
placement.
While federal law supports relative placement,
each state dictates separate requirements
for foster parent licensing. These licensing
requirements can go beyond what is required
to meet standards for placement, for example,
the specific number and use of bedrooms for
children. Relatives who meet the child protection standards for placement and already
have children placed in their home may be
surprised they do not meet the licensing
requirements.
Let’s reflect back on Annette’s situation. The
state placed Annette’s grandchildren with her
and then denied licensing, creating incredible
hardship for a family already hit by tragedy.
Yet Annette, like many kinship caregivers,
continued to care for the children as best she
could, signing up for welfare and food stamps
for the children and pawning most things of
value in her home.
Kinship caregivers are exceedingly vulnerable
to the financial strain of additional children.
When relatives already have low income,
accepting children without the option of
licensing quickly pushes these families into
poverty, forcing them to rely on other less
adequate public support.
For many kinship families unable to find the
resources to be licensed, the children, who are
at the heart of child welfare, are the ones who
lose the most. To begin to improve the experience and outcomes for these foster children
and their unlicensed kinship caregivers, we
must take a critical look at how law, policy
and practice intersect to create the two-tiered
system (licensed and unlicensed) that currently exists for formal kinship caregivers;
advocate for more compatible placement and
licensing standards; and reach out to surround kinship caregivers and the children in
their homes with the support the current policies fail to provide. ❁
The gap between federal law around relative
placement and state policies around licensing
creates two different experiences of foster care
for children in formal kinship care that varies
in disparity state by state. Each state’s licensing policies must move toward being able to
keep up with the needs of children in kinship
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Alison Caliendo is the
founder and director of Foster Kinship (www.
FosterKinship.org), a 501(c)(3) that provides
support and resources to kinship caregivers in
Clark County, Nevada. She and her husband
are also licensed foster parents.
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BY ALISON CALIENDO
While the increasing use of formal kinship
care is positive, there are several factors at
work that create a population of unlicensed
caregivers. What relatives usually don’t
understand when they receive the initial
request to accept placement, is that there are
two different decision-making divisions in a
child welfare agency: a division that makes a
placement decision and a division that makes
a licensing decision. These two divisions are
often at odds, and the result is conflicting
standards for relatives.
Unlicensed relatives are provided a different
level of support by the child welfare agency.
Annette desired to be licensed in order to
receive the same access to training and
financial reimbursement as foster parents.
care so this two-tiered system of care does not
become further entrenched.
grow as the reliance on formal kinship care
continues to expand.
1 1
T
wenty-four-year-old Ryan Sheckler
is one of the most acclaimed
professional skateboarders of our
time. He has won numerous skateboarding
competitions, starred in his own reality
television series and is a favorite must-see at
skate events worldwide.
B Y J U A N D I E G O ‘ J D ’ PA R R A A N D E R I K C O O P E R
everyday heroes
Skate
Ryan
Originally from San Clemente, Calif., Ryan’s
love for the sport began at 18 months
when he discovered his father’s skateboard.
Ryan’s talent as a skater emerged and in
2002, at the age of 13, Ryan entered his
first skateboarding competition, later
winning his first of three gold medals in the
2003 Summer X Games and many future
competitions. Ryan’s mentors include Tony
Hawk and Rodney Mullen.
In 2008, Ryan founded The Sheckler
Foundation, a non-profit organization
focused on helping children and assisting
injured and recovering action sports athletes.
The organization’s mission is to empower
the community to “Be the Change!” Every
year, The Sheckler Foundation hosts the
Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Golf
Tournament, and Skate for a Cause, a
professional skateboard contest attracting
skaters young and old, including
Fostering Families Today’s own writer and
skateboarding enthusiast, Juan Diego “JD”
Parra. A wide variety of skaters attended
the event — Ryan Sheckler, Paul Rodriguez,
Torey Pudwill and more. Parra had the
opportunity to actually be up close with all
the skaters and watch them skate. The fourth
annual Skate for a Cause event raised more
than $100,000.
Proceeds from the Foundation’s events help
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WIN a limited edition
Plan B “Be the Change”
skate deck autographed
by Ryan Sheckler!
“Being the Change is actually committing
to changing something you don’t like or
something that you want to make better,”
Ryan explains in a promotional video on
The Sheckler Foundation website at www.
ShecklerFoundation.org.
Tell us how you have improved your community and
embraced Ryan Sheckler’s “Be the Change” motto in
your life. Limit your entry to 250 words. Send entries
to: Fostering Families Today, 541 East Garden Drive,
Unit N, Windsor, Colorado, 80550, or by email to
editor@adoptinfo.net. All entries must be postmarked
by February 28, 2014. Winners will be announced in
the May/June issue of Fostering Families Today. Void
where prohibited. — Prize donated by Ryan Sheckler
and The Sheckler Foundation
Ryan shares one of the Foundation’s greatest
success stories was helping Thomas Johnson,
a boy fighting pediatric cancer who attended
the first annual Skate for a Cause event. “He
had just begun hospice at the end of his
battle with cancer and somehow managed to
make it to our event,” Ryan shared. Thomas’
participation in the event was a hallmark for
the Foundation.
mission. “The cool thing is anyone can be
the change they want to see. You don’t have
to be a professional skater to create change.
Just look around your community, see where
there is a need, lend a hand and get involved.
That’s how I started at a young age.” ❁
The Sheckler Foundation has contributed
greatly to the lives of underprivileged
children. Empowering young people to “Be
the Change” is the Foundation’s lifelong
ABOUT THE AUTHORS: Juan Diego “JD”
Parra is a 16-year-old high school junior and
contributing writer for Fostering Families
B Y J U A N D I E G O ‘ J D ’ PA R R A A N D E R I K C O O P E R
support disadvantaged and underprivileged
children. The Foundation has donated
$135,000 to build a skate park for the Port
Gamble S’Klallam Tribe youth program, and
$57,000 to fund a 10-stop tour to provide
free skateboard therapy clinics for children
with autism. In just six short years, The
Sheckler Foundation has donated more than
$1 million to help children, injured action
sports athletes and the community.
everyday heroes
for
a
Cause
Sheckler Inspires Change
Today and Adoption Today. Parra lives in Los
Angeles, Calif.
Erik Cooper served as a foster parent
for 42 exceptional young people and is a
Today and Adoption Today. Cooper lives in
Los Angeles, Calif., and Gatlinburg, Tenn.
Special thanks to Ryan Sheckler, Angelique
Zaki and The Sheckler Foundation.
Nominate a Hero in Your Life!
We’re looking for more heroes to feature on our Everyday Heroes page. Nominate someone you
believe is making a difference in the lives of foster children. Send a brief email about the person
or organization you wish to nominate to editor@adoptinfo.net. Tell us how they’re making a difference and why they should be honored with Fostering Families Today’s Everyday Heroes award!
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“Given the challenges plaguing America’s child welfare and foster care systems,
today the Finance Committee acted in a bipartisan way with smart policies that will
better protect and improve the well-being of our nation’s most vulnerable children.”
— Senator Orrin Hatch, Ranking Member, Senate Finance
At
the end of 2013 the Senate
Finance Committee held a hearing that was largely focused on
the Medicare program. In addition to dealing
with Medicare, the Committee marked up —
and passed by voice vote — the Supporting
At-Risk Children Act of 2013. The bill has
three parts, but can essentially be viewed as
three separate bills.
BY NICOLE DOBBINS
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Congress Set to Pass Child Welfare
Legislation in Early 2014
Part one is the Senate version of the
Adoption Incentives Program reauthorization. The program expired Sept. 30, 2013.
The bill calls for a three-year extension of the
program through fiscal year 2016, aligning
future reauthorization with the Promoting
Safe and Stable Families Program. It continues to authorize the program at $43 million in annual funds. For the first time the
program would include an incentive bonus
for guardianship placements in addition to
adoptions. The bill replaces the old award
categories with four new categories based on
state increases in adoption and guardianship
rates for the following areas: overall foster
child adoptions ($4,000); special needs
(under age 9) adoptions ($4,500); older child
(age 9 and older) adoptions and guardianships ($8,000); and overall foster child
guardianships ($4,000). These categories are
different from the House bill; the Senate version seeks to equalize guardianship bonuses.
It also excludes a new category for increases
in adoptions for children older than 14,
which the House version proposes, and
retains a category for special needs adoptions instead. The move to award states for
rate increases, rather than increases above
a given base year, will be phased in over the
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three years (similar to the House bill). The
Senate bill also requires that any state that
receives a bonus above $100,000 would be
required to spend at least 25 percent of the
award on reunification services. This is not
a requirement in the House bill. Currently
states can use the incentive bonuses to provide a broad range of child welfare related
services to children and families (services
authorized under Title IV-B and IV-E). The
Senate bill also includes a new regulation
requiring state reporting on adoption and
guardianship disruptions and dissolutions.
The bill also calls for an extension of the
Family Connections Grants, with an annual
appropriation for $15 million. These are
competitive awards for demonstration projects in the following areas: intensive family
finding efforts, kinship navigator programs,
family group decision making meetings, and
residential treatment programs.
Another provision of this part of the bill is
targeted at calculating the use of savings as
a result of the federal Title IV-E Adoption
Assistance De-link — a provision of the
Fostering Connections to Success and
Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008 (Public
Law 110-351) that is being phased-in
through 2018. As a result of these increased
federal dollars going to states, they are
required to document how they are spending
savings from the expanded federal adoption assistance eligibility. Congress required
that the savings be retained for child welfare
services, however there is still little known
about how states are spending the savings.
The new bill would require the Department
of Health and Human Services to provide
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guidance on a methodology for calculating
actualized savings. Furthermore, the bill
requires a designation of 40 percent of the
savings to be spent on post-adoption and
post-guardianship services in addition to
services related to the prevention of a child
entering foster care. (This differs from the
House version, which would require that
20 percent of the savings must be spent on
post-adoption services).
The House of Representatives already
passed its version of the Adoption Incentives
Program reauthorization; H.R. 3205 passed
by unanimous consent at the end of October.
As described, the Senate bill differs from the
House version, which means at some point
the two chambers will need to negotiate on
a final package. This is likely to happen early
in 2014 and ideally the final bill could move
quickly to passage by voice vote or unanimous consent. Since a majority of the work
in both the House and Senate has already
been completed for the Adoption Incentive
Program reauthorization it is likely that this
part of bill will pass separately and fairly
quickly after the new year.
Part two of the Supporting At-Risk Children
Act of 2013 pertains to “Identifying and
Serving Youth Vulnerable to Sex Trafficking.”
This part addresses a variety of issues
attempting to improve practice and decrease
the vulnerabilities of older youth in foster
care. The provisions include:
• improving the screening policies and data
collection for victims of sex trafficking;
• creating new restrictions around APPLA
(Another Planned Permanent Living
Committee. Next steps require that the bill
go before the full Senate and conferencing
with the House of Representatives must take
place before any of these provisions become
federal law. As mentioned, this bill is likely
to become three separate pieces of legislation. Because members of the Senate Finance
Committee worked in a bipartisan fashion to
extend this legislation it is likely that theses
bill will be considered early in the second
session of the 113th Congress, when legislators return from the holidays. ❁
Part three of the bill extends beyond the
child welfare system and pertains to the collection of child support payments from noncustodial parents. This part also removes
barriers for Tribal governments in accessing
systems to collect for such support payments.
Some of the provisions put forward in this
part are similar to legislation introduced by
At the time this article was written, the bill
had only passed out of the Senate Finance
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Nicole Dobbins is
executive director of Voice for Adoption in
Washington, D.C., a national advocacy organization with a mission to speak in a single
voice with policy-makers, representing the
interests of foster children awaiting adoption
and the families who adopt them. For more
information, visit http://www.voice-foradoption.org/
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Finance Committee members earlier this
year. In 2013, both the House and Senate
held hearings examining the issue of child
sex trafficking and heard witness testimony
about what makes youth in foster care vulnerable to this crime. The House Ways and
Means Committee has yet to consider this
legislation. However, it is likely that when
Congress returns from the holiday break
they will work to create similar legislation
aimed at combating domestic child trafficking and decreasing foster youths vulnerability.
column: washington beat
Arrangement) case goals (often viewed as
long-term foster care) — eliminating the
goal as an option for youth under the age
of 16 and requiring greater court oversight
for children with such goals;
• targeting child support enforcement funds
collected on behalf of a child who is 16
or older, requiring that such funds must
go into an account directly for the child;
increased foster youth case planning and
preparation;
• state mandates for youth emancipating to
have access to birth certificate, social security card, state ID and bank accounts;
• mandates an interagency report on housing
needs for domestic sex trafficking victims;
and
• creation of a new national advisory committee exploring prevention and intervention on the trafficking of minors.
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speaks out about
BY KIM PHAGAN-HANSEL
feature
Cassidy
Cassi
dy Mack
B
rown-eyed,
n d brunette
b
tt Cassidy
C id Mack,
M k
speaks quietly with a growing sense
of confidence as she shares her story
with the audience. She glances a few times
toward the woman in the front row, someone
she now calls Mom, as if looking for a nod of
reassurance. Speaking in front of an audience
isn’t easy for most 14-year-olds, and even
though Mack is an up-and-coming young
actress, the story she shares is anything but
easy to tell.
Having entered foster care at age 4, Mack was
separated from her sister. Her sister went
to live with her father, a man who was not
Mack’s biological father. Instead, Mack lived
with a foster family, who she says was nice to
her and adequate, but not necessarily loving.
“My birth mom made some poor choices
and my birth father wasn’t really even in the
picture,” Mack said. “I dreamed of having a
family of my own.”
Then at age 6, Mack’s life forever changed
after being featured on the AdoptUSKids
website.
“My mom had this vision of adopting a
brown-eyed, brown-haired baby girl,” Mack
said.
And while her experience with her family
has been wonderful, Mack said it hasn’t been
without its challenges.
“I was really scared because I didn’t know
what a forever family meant,” Mack said. “I
was used to being given up so many times. I
was terrified, I was angry.”
But through loving consistency from her
parents, Jennifer and Mike Mckown, Mack
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“I knew in my heart these people loved me,”
Mack said. “I knew I was wanted and I knew
I was special. Everything I wanted to try they
were all for it.”
Mack’s mom Jennifer, chuckles as she talks
about Mack’s busy nature. In order to keep
her active, Jennifer started Mack in dance
first, but when her active daughter showed
interest in acting she entered her in an acting camp. Quickly, Mack found her niche
in the acting arena and has appeared in
several films in recent years, including Chilly
Christmas and Zombeo & Juliecula. And
this summer, she just wrapped up filming of
Zoey to the Max with Grant Bowler and Amy
Smart, which will be released in Fall 2014.
“I just wanted to try everything,” Mack said.
“When I found acting and I found love, I
found out who I was as a person.”
In her new role as Zoey, Mack plays a
13-year-old foster child who navigates the
foster care system. For Mack, it was a role
that hit close to home.
“I draw on all my past experiences to create my character and make myself a better
actor,” Mack said. “I was so blessed with the
opportunity to work on this film…because
this is my life. This is exactly what I’ve gone
through, I know exactly how she feels.”
Even though Producer Jim Valdez didn’t
know Mack was a former foster child when
he cast her in the film, he said he was
immediately impressed by the realness she
brought to the character.
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“What she brought to it was an authenticity,”
Valdez said. “She was able to bring those real
life experiences to this movie and it created a
realness for this role that we couldn’t have got
from another kid.”
Beyond her ability to tap into her own personal experiences, Valdez said Mack is an incredibly talented actress with a humble attitude
that makes her a pleasure to be around both
on and off the screen.
“She’s one of the most humble kids you’ll ever
meet,” Valdez said. “She’s really a unique, special kid with a great heart. She wants to help
other kids.”
Having experienced foster care first hand,
Mack felt that she needed to use her new
image and voice to help other kids in the foster care system. In late 2012, Mack launched
Love Gives Chances as a way to raise awareness about foster care and support other children just like her.
“Love Gives Chances is about empowering
children in the foster care system,” Mack said.
Through fundraising efforts, Mack hopes to
send children in foster care to summer camps
that help them find their purpose in life, just
like she has found in acting.
“I won’t be defined by my past,” Mack said. “I
want children in foster care to know they can
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decide, ‘who I am.’ I want to send kids to summer camps to find their purpose in life.”
BY KIM PHAGAN-HANSEL
b
began
tto hhave a greatt appreciation
pp i ti ffor hher
new parents and the love and support they
were offering to her.
feature
moving beyond foster care
In addition to wanting to empower kids in
care, Mack also wants to encourage others to
adopt children from foster care.
“I wanted people to see what adopting a
child from foster care was like,” Mack said. “It
doesn’t mean you’re bringing damaged goods
into your family.”
Through her foundation, Mack has created an
“I am a Survivor” pendant that was created to
empower children in foster care. On her Love
Gives Chances website it states “Remember
you are a survivor! Now go out into the world,
surround yourself by your own circle of support and live every day like the Tree of Life…
Find your place and your purpose in this
world. Empower yourself!”
Mack’s work is already being recognized on
a national level. She was honored as an Angel
in Adoption in late 2013 by the Congressional
Coalition on Adoption Institute.
“Being in foster care didn’t break me and
didn’t make me weak,” Mack said. “It made me
be a survivor.”
For more information on Cassidy Mack, visit
http://www.cassidymack.com and for more
information on Love Gives Chances, visit
http://lovegiveschances.org. ❁
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ABC FAMILY’S
F
inally, there’s a show on television that
truly represents what really goes on in
a foster family.
ABC Family’s The Fosters is a dramatic
television series created by Peter Paige and
Bradley Bredeweg and co-executive produced
by Jennifer Lopez that follows The Fosters,
a blended American family of two moms, a
biological son, adopted twin teenagers, and
a foster sibling group. The series premiered
on June 3, 2013 and will return with new episodes on January 13.
Stef and Lena Foster are same-sex domestic
partners raising a blended family in San
Diego, Calif. Mike is Stef’s ex-husband and
partner on the police force. Stef’s 16-year-old
biological son, Brandon, is a talented musician whose eyes are set on Callie, the Fosters’
16-year-old foster child rescued from juvenile
detention and an abusive foster past. Callie, a
headstrong but gentle-hearted teen, rescues
her younger brother, Jude, from an abusive
foster home. Jesus and Mariana Foster are
Stef and Lena’s adopted twins. Lena and Stef
fostered the twins before their adoption.
Fifteen-year-old Jesus struggles with ADHD,
but excels as an athlete and serving as a big
brother for his siblings. Mariana is a popular
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Watch the winter
premiere of
THE FOSTERS
January 13
at 9/8 p.m. central
on ABC Family!
and at school. Brandon considers moving
out of his blended family’s home and into
his father’s bachelor pad. The family learns
the complications of understanding diversity
when celebrating Mariana’s quinceañera. New
episodes promise a continuation of individual
and family challenges raising the stakes of
The Foster family and connecting audiences
with themes familiar to many of us.
young lady who loves to gossip and is trying to reconnect with her biological mother.
Eleven-year-old Jude is Callie’s younger brother and the baby of the Foster family. Jude’s a
shy kid who has been through many foster
homes, but begins to open up and thrive in
his new home with The Fosters.
Actress Teri Polo (Meet the Fockers) plays
Stef Foster. “I’ve heard from so many different foster organizations that we’re the first
show to really tackle the (foster care) issue
in a realistic sense, and I think it’s important
that we focus on a lot with the foster system,”
Polo shared. Polo is the biological mother
of a 6-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old
son. “People tend to adopt babies, not a 10
or 13-year-old who already has some issues,”
Polo shared. “It’s because they’re hurt, and
they’re scared, and they’re sad, and they
haven’t had love in their lives. Who wouldn’t
act out when put in that situation?”
The Fosters feature a number of episodes
familiar to all of us. In the pilot episode, Callie
is introduced to Lena straight out of juvenile
detention. Later, Callie’s theft of Jesus’s ADHD
medication creates conflicts both at home
Polo’s role as a foster and adoptive mother
on The Fosters has made an impact on the
actress’s life. “We have learned so much about
so many different issues and realities in life
that we knew nothing about.”
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different contexts and backgrounds and
walks of life.”
The Fosters is a blended family of mixed
races, mixed origins, and mixed interests.
But at its core, The Fosters is about love
and family. Each individual’s race, gender,
orientation and experience contribute to the
diverse complexity and unique structure
of The Foster family. Polo best summed up
what The Fosters offers most. “Being a Mom
and looking at the foster system, if I wasn’t
old and away so much at work, I would have
5,000 foster children, because to me, it’s not
called rocket science. It’s called love. Period.”
Which of us have not felt exactly the same
way? ❁
“One line I’ve taken from this show that I’m
obsessed with is, DNA doesn’t make a family.
Love does,” Ramirez shared. “That’s what I’ve
realized. It doesn’t matter where they all come
from. At the end of the day, this show is about
love and how much they love each other.”
Thirteen-year-old actor Hayden Byerly
(Parenthood) plays 11-year-old Jude on The
Fosters. His role is complex, introducing his
character to problems in his foster home
and in his personal life. Jude faces a beating
from his foster father when caught wearing a
dress. Rescued by Brandon and his biological sister, Callie, Jude joins The Foster family
and emerges from a shy, withdrawn kid, to an
energetic and outgoing preteen.
When asked what he’d like most for kids
to learn from his character, Byerly replied,
“I think what I’d like kids to learn from my
character the most are the struggles that foster kids really do go through.”
“He’s been in the foster system for a very long
time and he’s going through a lot of rough
moments,” Byerly shared.“He’s gone through the
good and the bad, and he really wants something to just truly pull through and for him to be
truly happy and excited to have a family.”
The modern family of The Fosters is an
evolving topic in society today. Australianborn actress Maia Mitchell (Teen Beach
Movie, Jessie) shared, “The whole show is
about belonging and what it means to belong
to a family that consists of people from all
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Eighteen-year-old actress Cierra Ramirez
(Mariana Foster) shares Polo’s sentiment.
Ramirez’s quest to develop a nurturing relationship with her biological mother has led to disastrous results for both Mariana and her family.
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THE FOSTERS
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ABOUT THE AUTHORS: Juan Diego “JD”
Parra is a 16-year-old high school junior and
Today and Adoption Today. Parra lives in Los
Angeles, Calif.
Erik Cooper served as a foster parent for 42
exceptional young people and is a contributing writer for Fostering Families Today and
Adoption Today. Cooper lives in Los Angeles,
Calif., and Gatlinburg, Tenn.
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BY RHONDA SCIORTINO
focus
T
he definition of “team” is to come
together to achieve a common goal.
It is understood that many people
coming together to accomplish a task are
able to do so better and faster than one
person working on his or her own. The
great auto maker, Henry Ford, was known
for saying, “Coming together is a beginning.
Keeping together is progress. Working
together is success.”
When foster parents, social workers, Court
Appointed Special Advocates, psychologists,
juvenile court judges, biological families
and foster alumni were asked about the
importance of teamwork, virtually everyone
said that teamwork is important, necessary,
and in various ways, lacking in the present
foster care system. Foster alumni responded
that no one asked what they thought or
what they wanted. Foster parents expressed
that their thoughts and opinions were
discounted or dismissed. One CASA said
that there was a team, but that relationships
were tenuous, and all team members didn’t
feel comfortable to speak freely. One county
social worker said that she felt others were
fearful of her.
Improve Outcomes and
Save
Lives
with One Simple Tool
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The presiding judge of the Orange
County, Calif., Juvenile Court, Douglas J.
Hatchimonji, shared his perspective, “Our
goal is to provide for the protection and
safety of the public and each minor under
the jurisdiction of the juvenile court and to
preserve and strengthen the minor’s family
ties whenever possible . . .” This lofty goal
simply cannot be achieved unless all of the
participants in the child’s life work as a team
to bring the child to a safe harbor. To make
good decisions, judges must have as much
information as possible about what’s going
on in the foster child’s life from the social
workers, foster parents, teachers, counselors,
physicians, mentors, advocates, relatives
and parents involved. Without that kind of
collaboration we all will fail in our duty.”
Aimee McPartlan, author of the
FOCUS: The Dynamics of Working with Birth Parents and Kinship Caregivers
Foster parent Dr. John DeGarmo, talks
about specific ways that the team of people
around foster kids can make the transition
of kids from one foster home to another
less traumatizing to the children involved.
He states, “One way to help make transition
easier is to include the foster family with
planning the move prior to actually moving.
Work together to determine when the best
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Child advocate and mentor, Chris Scott of
Royal Family Kids, speaks of the powerful
partnership Royal Family Kids has with the
Office of Children’s Service in Anchorage,
Alaska, which results in foster kids going to
an all-expense paid vacation camp annually.
The foster parents get a break for a week,
trained volunteers lives are enriched by
their experiences with foster kids, and the
kids themselves have experiences they’ll
remember for a lifetime. None of this
would be possible without cooperation of
every member of a foster child’s team of
caregivers and advocates.
Foster alum, Brittany Janes, speaks of the
importance of including the foster kids
in the conversation about their lives. “I
definitely felt like my life was being decided
for me and that I was just in the background
watching others make decisions for me,”
Janes said. “Having the responsibility for
my life, and being able to assert myself, is
extremely powerful.”
All stakeholders agree that teamwork on
behalf of foster kids is critical. So why, then,
don’t we see more of it in foster care?
Part of the challenge is that various
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stakeholders have differing goals. The judge
may rule that family reunification is the
primary goal. But the foster parents, seeing
the effects on their foster children of visits
with members of the biological family, may
strongly disagree. The social worker may
feel that Mom is no where near her “clean
and sober” requirements for reunification
and that an identified aunt is a better
placement for the children. Meanwhile,
the CASA may have information that the
children have confided in her about their
hopes to live with out-of-state grandparents.
This scenario illustrates another important
challenge to effective teamwork, which is
communication.
BY RHONDA SCIORTINO
McPartlan says, “A positive foster care
intervention begins and ends with
successful partnership. From the moment
a child is sheltered from his or her parents
and escorted to the door of a stranger; the
trajectory of the foster care journey begins
to take shape. Did the CPI give valuable
and useful information to the Placement
Unit? Did the Placement Unit take time and
care when deciding the most appropriate
placement for the child or did they simply
use the first home available? Did the
protective investigator explain anything
to the child? Did the Child Protective
Investigator gather the child’s favorite
belongings in a suitcase or duffle bag, and
ensure that the child understood where,
why and how he or she was going to live
for the foreseeable future? Or, did the Child
Protective Investigator simply throw a few
clothes in a trash bag and hastily drop the
child off in a foreign home; aided only by
excuses and empty promises to return with
beloved toys or special stuffed animal? In
turn, leaving the foster parents to fend for
themselves as they struggle to gain trust
and credibility of a recently traumatized
child? Successful partnership is vital to a
successful child welfare intervention and
should be paramount when advocating and
planning for the future of every child in
foster care.”
time for the transition from one home
to another would be. For example, after
school, on a weekend, in the morning,
evenings or another time. Schedule visits
to the foster home, if possible, allowing
the child to see the two families working
together in a positive relationship before
the move takes place. During these visits,
discuss any parenting practices you might
have in common, as well as any differences
in house rules you might have. After all,
the foster parents involved may have
valuable information and insight to share
including in areas involving eating habits,
sleep patterns, and day-to-day skills. If the
child is in school, his foster parents will
have knowledge of his academic progress,
abilities and any concerns.”
focus
autobiographical novel, “Don’t You Cry,” is
one of that select group of people who have
the unique insight of someone who’s been
in the system and has worked as part of the
system. She is a foster alum and a child and
family social worker.
Another person who has seen the foster
care system from the perspective of a kid in
the system and as an adult helping others
in that system, is Mobile Crisis Registered
Nurse and foster alum, Travis Lloyd. Lloyd
told of working with a foster child who had
nine different social services workers of one
kind or another involved with the child’s
case. The foster parents were at their wits
end with behavioral issues, ready to give up
on the boy. Following a “crisis call,” Lloyd
learned that each of the nine workers had
thought the other had taken care of the
child’s needs. Ultimately, no one had.
Once the group began communicating,
they were better able to support the foster
family, and together, meet the needs of the
child. By communicating what each person
knew, as well as their assessment of the
situation, they were able to implement a
plan that greatly improved the placement
situation for the child and his foster
family. Since we know that moving can
exacerbate trauma, stabilizing the child’s
placement and improving communication
of everyone involved helped greatly improve
relationships.
Foster alumni, Brianna Baucum, stated that
she thought that good teamwork could have
helped her with school, in finding a job,
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BY RHONDA SCIORTINO
for opening up bank accounts, managing
money, or in just listening to her concerns.
She said, “respecting us [foster kids] as part
of the team can help to shape us in ways
that we can’t even see ourselves.”
If all the stakeholders aren’t communicating
effectively with one another, children suffer.
It’s just that simple. And with the technology
of smart phones and social networking so
readily available and affordable, there is
no excuse for many of the communication
failures that commonly happen.
There is significant risk involved in lack of
teamwork. In fact, it’s not an overstatement
to say that the lives of foster kids and foster
families may literally depend on it. I have
spent the last 20-plus years analyzing the
ways foster kids and foster family members
are injured or killed. I’ve found that most of
the injuries and deaths were foreseeable and
therefore preventable. At the root of nearly
every injury, death or serious allegation is a
failure to communicate. A well-functioning
team communicates freely, fearlessly and
effectively and thereby reducing the risk of
tragedy.
Everyone agrees that safety and permanence
is the goal, and that teamwork is necessary
to achieve the goal. So the natural question
is, how do we create good teams?
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Conversely, Gegner states that, “Bad team
experiences are described as just the
opposite: conflicting agendas, egos, strife,
politics, lower levels of performance,
frustration, resistance, even illness and
attrition.” Gegner goes on to say that,
“breakthrough results take a breakthrough
team. People often believe that it suffices to
bring together a group of individuals with a
common heartfelt passion for a compelling
cause — things will just happen from there.
I have seen well-intentioned projects with
the best-intentioned people fail far too
often.”
“If you want to create a breakthrough and
change something in an organization or in
society, you absolutely need a breakthrough
team with alignment around a common
purpose or dream, the right competencies
put into action, an execution plan with
clear roles and responsibilities and a
commitment to keep each other mutually
accountable.”
“The goal in risk management is to
anticipate and prevent tragedies before
they happen. Every child is depending
on stakeholders to work together. To do
that, you need a team that challenges each
other,” said Senior Loss Control Advisor
with Markel Insurance Company, Michael
Harding. Good teamwork is good risk
management.
Corporate team building expert, Elisabeth
Gegner, says, “Great teams share and are
committed to a common purpose, get
aligned around how to achieve it, respect
and leverage the competencies of each team
member, and hold each other accountable to
achieving specific goals. The more powerful
experiences include a breakthrough in belief
system around what the team members
believe is possible, as well as a sense of
unique chemistry in the execution, wherein
they are consumed in the process, lose
awareness of time and experience a sense
of flow, giving all for the cause. When a
team is working effectively, results are often
achieved far beyond what people originally
thought was possible.”
ANU Family Services recently reported
achievement of permanency for up to 70
percent of the youth in their care. ANU CEO,
Amelia Franck Meyer, MS, MSW, LISW,
APSW, states, “To achieve permanence, it
is critical to have transparent and frequent
communication and to work together as
a team. There is a parallel process at play.
The organizational leadership must work
together to create a healthy culture for the
staff. When the staff needs are met, they can
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more effectively meet the needs of the foster
parents. When foster parents’ needs are met,
they can more effectively meet the needs of
the foster youth.”
Suggestions for establishing or improving
teams for the foster children within your
influence are:
• Enlist every stakeholder, including the
foster child, foster parents, biological
family, social workers, mentors, teachers,
CASA and other advocates.
• Create a level playing field for every
member of the team to honestly contribute
his or her thoughts. Do this by respecting
what each person brings to the team.
Understand that acknowledging one
person’s strengths does not diminish our
own.
• Establish ground rules for respectful
communication (listening without
interrupting, soliciting input from quieter
team members, time limits for each team
member so one person doesn’t dominate
the meetings)
• Establish clear goals for the good of the
child involved (example: permanence.)
• Celebrate even small victories.
Foster alumn, Nichole Merrilees,
photographer and volunteer for The Hub
and REACH (Realizing Every Action Creates
Hope), summed it all up beautifully when
she said, “When we work together as a team
and learn to appreciate what others bring
to the table, we learn to communicate and
successfully make a positive difference in
the lives of others.” ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Rhonda Sciortino,
author of “Succeed Because of What You’ve
Been Through,” is the National Child Welfare
Specialist for Markel Insurance Company.
Rhonda is a foster alum who chairs the
Successful Survivors Foundation and serves
as a spokesperson for Foster Care Alumni of
America. #rhonda.org
S
Concurrently, the process of
becoming independent or
“individuated” is an important
task for this age group. During
this time, young children learn
to be effective or non-effective.
Caregiver responses can create
moments in which children feel
guilt, shame, self-doubt, embarrassment and pride. A benefit
of experiencing these emotions
allows children to show concern
for and later experience and
demonstrate empathy for others.
A disadvantage of experiencing these emotions is that they
may negatively influence the
development of self-esteem and
the feeling of not being “good
enough.”
Activities such as potty training,
self-feeding, dressing, putting
toys away, and learning to share
with others, occur during this
independence stage and are
characterized with an “I do it
myself,” “I make the choice” and
“I am important” attitude. These
activities are great opportunities
for caregivers to communicate
feelings of accomplishment,
pride and approval to their
children.
The common advice of separating out the “behavior from the
child” applies. Always communicate and demonstrate your love
and acceptance for your child.
When shaping desired behavior,
be specific by describing, labeling and praising the desired
behavior. Show your child that
you are listening by reflecting
what he or she says to you. This
is the time to teach your child
that he or she is always MORE
than good enough. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Noelle
Hause, Ed.D., LPC, IMH-E®
(IV), is the young child wellness
coordinator for Project Launch
and Infant Mental Health
Mentor-Clinical at North Range
Behavioral Health in Greeley,
Colo.
[ kids in waiting ]
Zaire, 15, lights up a room with his smile and bright eyes. During his free time
he enjoys playing video games, watching movies and participating in after school
activities. He is in the ninth grade where he is eager to learn his academic subjects
and share his knowledge with others. As an articulate speaker, he can always get
the attention of his peers and teachers. He has stated that he wants to be adopted
by a family that won’t give up and show him they love him and his brother unconditionally.
BY NOELLE HAUSE, ED.D., LPC, IMH-IV
elf-conscious emotions
emerge around the age
of 2. These emotions
include guilt, shame, self-doubt,
embarrassment and pride. The
reason they are termed “selfconscious” is because these
feelings emerge when a toddler
develops a sense of self and
becomes aware of how others
react in response to things they
say or do. On a more complex
level, this includes the interpretation of subtle nuances of body
language and verbal feedback.
Over time, this shapes a child’s
behavior through “give and take”
interactions with caregivers and
others in the environment.
column: the early years
Am I Good Enough?
Alex, 10, is a true performer at heart. He loves to sing and dance to his favorite
performer, Michael Jackson. This social guy is bright and can hold meaningful conversations pertaining to an array of subjects. He
is nurturing, thoughtful and caring; he would thrive in an environment with a family that is able to nurture his creative personality.
Alex is in the fifth grade and is an articulate speaker like his brother.
Get ready for this articulate sibling pair, Alex and Zaire. Zaire is the oldest and Alex, the youngest, Both boys benefit from an
Individualized Education Plan and counseling, which will need to continue after placement. Their caseworker will consider all family
types for Alex and Zaire. They are in need of a nurturing environment where they can establish a strong foundation for the future.
We only accept inquiries on the sibling pair, who will be placed together. Financial assistance may be available for adoption-related
services. For Colorado children, both homestudied and non-homestudied Colorado families are encouraged to inquire; only homestudied families from other states should do so. For more information, contact The Adoption Exchange at (800) 451-5246. Child ID
#9769 & #10126
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BY SANDRA KILLETT
Why it is important for foster
of children in foster care to
As
had no idea whether the foster parent had
other children of their own or if they were
raising other foster children. The foster parent only received information from the caseworker about my family and my son. The
foster parent had no idea as to how my son
interacted with his family and his brother
who was younger.
a parent affected by child
welfare, I can tell you how
important it is for both foster
parent and parent to interact with each
other in a positive manner. During my
separation from my son who was in foster
care, the foster parent did not acknowledge
that I still had parental rights concerning
my son and she really was not concerned
about how I felt as a parent. I later found
out that the agency did not do anything to
try and bridge the separation and hostility
The foster parent proceeded to change
my son’s school, change his pediatrician
and completely separate my son from his
The foster parent has a responsibility to
help families reunite with their children. It is
important for foster parents to understand
that any parent will be angry and frustrated when they are not informed about
who will care for their child and what the
makeup of the foster family might be.
that the foster parent was feeling toward
me. Most foster parents are given too much
information about the parent that can cloud
their perception of who the parent is. Foster
parents should understand that no matter
what the reason is that a child comes into
foster care, the foster parent is only there
to nurture the child until the family can be
reunited.
The foster parent has a responsibility to help
families reunite with their children. It is
important for foster parents to understand
that any parent will be angry and frustrated
when they are not informed about who will
care for their child and what the makeup of
the foster family might be. For example, I
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normal life activities. This was all new to
me, but I knew that this arrangement was
temporary and I did not understand why
the foster parent would want to disrupt my
son’s life more than it was being disrupted
by the removal from his family. I later
learned that the foster parent was allowing
my son to do things that he was not allowed
to do at home. This was frustrating to me,
but the foster parent did not understand
why I would be concerned with how she
was raising my son. I was surprised that she
thought it was OK to have a 13-year-old out
until 10 p.m. at night. For the most part, it
is important for foster parents to relate to
the parents as parents who may have made
some bad decisions but nevertheless love
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their children as I loved my son. This was
my experience as a parent affected by child
welfare in 2005.
In 2007 I became a parent advocate at a foster care agency and saw the same thing that
I experienced as a parent. But as a parent
advocate I was able to interact with the parents and foster parent to bridge the gap and
understanding of each involved in the life
of the child. Most foster parents would tell
me that they were told that they should not
interact with the parent because the parents
were angry, aggressive and using substances.
For the most part, parents are angry but it
is not at the foster parent, it is at the system
and the treatment of the parents when their
children are in care. Parents are made to
feel like they have no say in what happens
to their children so frustration sets in and
sometimes it is misdirected. I was able to
help foster parents see the situation through
the eyes of the parent. This was through
much conversation and coaching the foster
parents about what their role was in the life
of the child that they were temporarily caring for.
I explained that parents struggle with many
concerns in trying to reunite with their children and it is not always the parent who is at
fault. And the parents are in need of support
from the foster parent. The foster parent
is the one who becomes the provider and
nurturer of the child who eventually relies
on the foster parent for their every need and
looks to the foster parent for guidance. It
is the foster parent who can help the child
understand why the parent might not be able
to reunite with them right away. It is the foster parent who can become a reliable person
that the child can call on when they return to
The foster family also becomes a support to
the biological family when the child returns
home. It is often difficult for a child who
has been in foster care to adapt to family as
it was before they were removed from their
biological parents. Sometimes the household
is completely different. The foster parent can
help children adapt to returning home by
explaining that every home is different and
the child’s family is doing the best that they
can with what they have as a family. Parents
often feel left out of the discussion about
their child when they are in foster care and
the foster parent could help to bring this feeling by making sure that the parent receives
constant updates about the well-being of
their child. This could be school reports,
health reports and any milestones that the
child has experienced.
Take an interest in what the parents might be
trying to accomplish in order to reunite with
their child as well as any personal accomplishments. Give suggestions to help parents
relate to their child while their child is in foster care. It is important for foster parents to
know that when you establish a relationship
with the parent, the parent is more receptive to any suggestions that the foster parent
might have if there is a legitimate concern
for the entire family.
I have had the experience of seeing how
important this work is to make sure that the
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foster parents and parents meet and share
information about each other’s family and
their children. The meeting between the foster parent and the parent relieves the added
stress that parents feel when they do not
know anything about the person who will
care for their child. When families meet and
discuss the well-being of the child who will
be in the foster home, the biological family
becomes relieved in knowing that the foster
parent will take good care of their child. I
have experienced foster parents and parents
who have stayed in contact long after the
child was returned to their biological parent
and this was all do to the relationship that
was established during the Parent to Parent
meeting between foster parent and parent.
I know it sounds like the foster parent is the
one who is adjusting to the biological family,
but think about how important this would be
to you as a parent if your child was removed
from your care. What are some of the feelings you think you would have? I can almost
guarantee you that they would be much like
the feelings of the parent who you are supporting until they are able to reunite with
their children. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sandra Killett is a
mother of two boys — 20-year-old Sam and
18-year-old Simeon — and a parent affected
by New York City Children Services. Killett
is the executive director of the Child Welfare
Organizing Project, an organization created
to organize parents and address policies that
adversely affect families in child welfare. She
BY SANDRA KILLETT
their family if the relationship is developed
with the parent of the child. If a relationship
is developed between the foster family and
the biological family, the child is the winner
in it all. The child will have the best of both
worlds — two families that love and care for
them unconditionally.
feature
parents and parents
work together?
Sandra Killette helping her son celebrate his birthday.
believes the only way to address issues that
affect families is to have families at the table
in partnership, strengthening the communities in which they live by providing preventive services. Killet also serves as a parent
leader and is a graduate of the Child Welfare
Organizing Project Leadership Curriculum
New York City 2006 and a member leader
since 2005. CWOP was established in 1995 to
elevate the voice of families affected by child
welfare and received the Child Welfare Fund
Best Practice Award from Council of Family
Child Care Agencies in 2009. As a former
parent advocate at The Children’s Village in
New York City from 2007 to 2012, Killett has
made it a priority to ensure the relationship between parents and foster parents is
nurtured to show that the child in care can
actually have a relationship after placement
ended in a foster home. This allows the parent to have an extended relationship and
support while the child sees that the relationship between the parent and foster parent is
centered around the child. For more information on CWOP, visit www.cwop.org/issues.
WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!
Send us your foster care story to editor@adoptinfo.net.
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W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y. C O M
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Successfully Working with Birth Families
We
B Y S TA N WA D D E L L A N D A R A C E L I S A L C E D O , L P C
feature
Tough but Rewarding Relationships
each have parents; this is one
thing we all have in common.
Those of us who work in the
foster care system understand this reality all
too well. When children are removed from
their homes, they still have parents who will
and need to be involved in their lives. In fact
when children can be with their birth family safely that is the best place for them to be
placed, and the majority of children placed
in foster care return home with their parents.
How can we then increase the success of
developing a healthy relationship with birth
parents, to increase the likelihood of success
when children go home? This article represents
the advice of several foster parents who have
had success working with birth families with
a total of more than 100 years of experience,
as well as several birth parents whose children
were in care.
COMMUNICATION
The most consistently repeated skill identified
as key was that of communication. Children
and families will have service plans, visitation
plans and reunification plans at a minimum.
With all this formal communication going on
sometimes it is the informal communication
that can suffer the most. “One of the reasons
that birth parents and foster parents get off on
the wrong foot many times is that the rules are
not clear — or the expectations. It would help
if foster parents and birth parents were given
an opportunity to sit down and talk to each
other about what their expectations are —
what the rules are, and discuss any questions
that each may have,” said Sherry, a birth parent.
Birth parents often are not sure what to do
during visits or what they can do during that
time. That is a chance for foster parents and/
or caseworkers to take initiative to ask respectfully if birth parents have questions, fears or
concerns.
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Respect is a vital key for successful communication. Birth parents often have strong emotions when their children come into care, and
often times these emotions come out as anger
that can be directed toward foster parents.
Foster parents on the other hand, know the
worst times of the family. “When we hold, love
and tend the physical, emotional and mental
wounds it is very hard not to ‘demonize’ the
parent. We absolutely shouldn’t, but it often
happens when you watch 24/7 what these kids
go through,” said Tara, a foster parent. Several
foster parents pointed out that communication should be handled as it is in divorced
couples; in fact one foster parent felt that what
helped them develop useful skills were found
in reading several books on divorce. It is
important that foster parents lean on professional/personal support systems to help them
navigate the early parts of this relationship,
and deal with the strong emotions they face
from birth families, as well as deal with their
conflicting emotions.
RELATIONSHIP BUILDERS
Knowing that relationship between foster and
birth parents can be shaky in the beginning,
as well as throughout the relationship, it is
important to have ways to build that relationship. Both birth parents and foster parents
felt that it took a lot of work and constant
awareness of attitudes, and keeping attitudes
as positive as possible. The relationship works
best with an attitude of cooperation rather
than one of advisories. “It is key to keep the
focus on their child. We, as foster parents, are
there to keep their kids safe and help them be
able to bring their kids home in a safe home.
We both have the same goal to make their
family safe,” said Brett, a foster parent.
Several ideas for building relationships were
identified by both foster and birth parents:
• Support visitation by being on time and
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being polite to each other.
• Be prepared for anger. Show compassion and
don’t get angry in return.
• Share information about your family and
background.
• Assure birth parents that you are not trying
to replace them and you will do your best to
keep their child safe.
• Include birth parents in meetings, and make
them an active part of the team, including school, medical visits, sporting events,
church and other activities.
• Ask for input from the birth parent on what
they want their child to wear for school
pictures.
• Ask birth parents questions about what the
child likes and dislikes.
• Answer any questions the birth parents have
for foster parents, such as where the child
sleeps, who he or she interacts with and how
he’s doing in school.
• Find creative ways to increase contact
between visits through email, letters, private
Facebook page, Skype…
• Help prepare the foster child for visits with
his or her birth parents. Talk positively
about them and get there with a positive
attitude.
• Take photos during visits — have copies
made for the parent and the child.
• Brainstorm with the birth parent on ideas
for visits — if problems develop ask the
birth parent to help solve them.
MENTOR PARENT
Children come into the foster care system at
the lowest point of a birth parent’s life and
their family history. The primary goal will
always be for that family to be safely reunified. One role that foster parents can play is
that as a mentor for these birth parents, once
a therapeutic relationship is established. “We
(foster parents) need to help birth parents
change their view of the system — from that
of a system against them, to see it as a support system to help them find ways to best
use the system to their advantage to get their
families back together,” said Bonnie, a foster
parent. When birth parents trust that the
system is not there to keep them from their
children, but to help stabilize the family situation it will benefit the children. As a mentor
parent some of the following may be skills
birth parents may need to learn:
• Ways to successfully keep a child on a
schedule/routine — setting priorities.
• Ways to work with mental health/school on
meeting needs of the child.
• Help learning appropriate ways to ask for
help in times of need and/or crisis.
• Help in learning how they can find and utilize community supports.
• Help to brainstorm ideas to make visitation
a successful relationship building time.
• Help to learn appropriate ways to build new
positive connections with children, as well
as support systems with extended family,
community supports and others.
• Model positive parenting skills such as
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iors and actions.
• Help to understand key developmental
tasks, and how they can work with their
children in achieving those developmental
tasks.
• Help to understand discipline techniques
that have been successful with their children.
When foster parents establish a positive
therapeutic relationship with birth parents
everyone can win in a number of ways:
• Relationships between birth parent, foster
parent and children will be less stressful for
everyone.
• Increased support for child and family —
building support systems.
• Better chances of successful reunification
and quicker reunification.
When children and families can be safely
reunified, then the system has achieved the
best outcome in serving that child and family. The relationship between foster parents
and birth parents can play a key role in that
process of successful reunification. The children foster parents serve will always have
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their families, and their families’ success will
increase when time and effort is taken to
engage them in a therapeutic relationship.❁
ABOUT THE AUTHORS: Stan Waddell, MFT,
began working with underprivileged children
and youth in 1986, and specifically children,
youth and their families in the foster care
system in 1993. In 2008, Waddell began working for Cenpatico in both a clinical and training capacity. Waddell has master’s degrees
from Southwestern Theological Seminary
in Fort Worth, Texas. Waddell is a Licensed
Professional Counselor in Texas and New
Mexico. He is married to Connie and has two
kids Beth and Spencer.
Araceli Salcedo is a trainer with Cenpatico.
She earned a master’s degree in counseling
and is licensed as a Licensed Professional
Counselor. In addition to her experiences at
Cenpatico as a trainer, she worked for nine
years with El Paso Police Department Crimes
against Children division and for six years
working in clinical setting, providing counseling.
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BY KEN MYSOGLAND
Kinship Families and Birth Parents
The Rewards and Complexities of our Work
F
or thousands of children across the
country, a few simple words speak so
soundly regarding their history and
early experiences which might not be apparent
based on physical appearance alone.
We recognize that in today’s society, the ills
of domestic violence, substance abuse and
untreated mental illness, can erode the family
structure. Despite a community’s intervention
and support, the problems may be so severe
that they outmatch both the capability and
capacity of a child’s caregivers.
Every child deserves the right to be raised
in a family, yet children cannot remain in
unsafe conditions. It is understood that being
separated from your birth parents can be
one of the most traumatizing experiences of
your entire life. This leads to a fundamental
challenge faced by child protective services
authorities; balancing a child’s physical safety
in order to prevent further harm, and risking
a child’s emotional well-being while they are
separated from their parents.
“My name is Jasmine and my parents
could not take care of my brother and I so
we live with my grandma and grandpa. It
is awesome.” — 10 year old Jasmine
of being removed as they live with familiar
people. It is the kinship caregiver who
understands the personalities and the nuances
that keep children calm and comforted while
permanency is established.
WHAT IS IN A CHILD’S BEST INTERESTS?
Perhaps one solution to addressing this
question is to place children who are in
imminent risk with those who know the child
the best; kinship caregivers.
2 8
Kinship caregivers can be defined as individuals
with whom we are blood related or maintain
a familial relationship. The most common
examples are grandparents, uncles and aunts, as
well as a child’s teachers, mentors or neighbors.
These individuals and families provide a
child with intangible comforts, securities and
continuity in relationships unique to them.
Both state and national data demonstrate that
children placed into kinship homes experience:
• Decreased trauma during removal and
placement;
• Increased family connections;
• Increased stability;
• Better educational, mental health and social
outcomes;
• Increased frequency of siblings remaining
together;
• Quicker permanency.
The connecting threads of kinship care allow
abused and neglected children to be safe,
while at the same time, to ease the trauma
Kinship care is different than a typical foster
care arrangement. Kinship families are
contacted most likely in emergency situations
F O S T E R I N G
FA M I L I E S
T O D AY
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to provide care. It is the kinship family who
answers the literal phone call which puts into
place the figurative call to action as they open
their home for a child in need.
A kinship care placement dramatically changes
the dynamics in the caregiver’s home the
instant the agreement for placement is reached.
As one of my favorite kin providers once told
me,“I woke up in the morning and had my
husband and three dogs. When I went to bed, I
had my husband, three dogs and my niece.”
Kinship families experience a number of
issues during the placement which include:
• Future plans being interrupted, family
activities needing re-prioritization and the
normal life-cycle put on hold;
• Caregiver moving from being a supportive
person in a child’s life to now being a
primary caregiver to a child;
In the most successful kinship placements, the
caregiver and the birth parents work together
toward meeting the child’s physical, emotional
and developmental needs. This co-parenting
relationship can be difficult and takes hard
work, risks and clarity of roles which must be
firm, yet flexible on behalf of the child.
The birth parents will experience a number of
issues during placement which are important
to understand:
• Their role changes from being the primary
caregiver to now a supportive person in their
own child’s life;
• Guilt and embarrassment are experienced
with the feelings of being a failure;
• Intentionally or unintentionally, they may
sabotage the kinship/child relationship
causing split loyalties which puts the
placement at risk of disruption;
• Anger could be expressed at the kinship
provider when they see the child attach,
experience success, and demonstrate loyalty
toward their caregivers.
In a co-parenting relationship, some basic
tasks must be completed by the birth parents
in order for the relationship to be successful
and for the child to be able to move through
their own grief and loss:
• Acknowledge and validate the authority of
the kinship caregiver;
• Differ authority to the kinship caregiver for
F O S T E R I N G
F A M I L I E S
T O D AY
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Jointly, the kinship caregiver and the birth
parent must come to a working understanding
on a number of topics:
• The parameters and context of
communication including visitation.
• How decisions are made and conflict
resolution.
• Addressing the feelings associated with past
unresolved issues among the adults.
• Establishing future goals for the child.
• Identifying areas of sabotage and future
problems.
Together, an open dialogue with the child
can occur among the birth parent, kinship
caregiver and other supportive individuals
whereby the child sees in front of them, and
hears all at once, the expectations. Words or
phrases that will help the child resolve some of
their own internal conflicts may include:
From the birth parent:
• “Your grandmother is now responsible for
you. She is in charge.”
• “I love you, auntie loves you and you can love
us both. It is OK.”
• “It is important for you to behave here the
same way you behave with me.”
• “I want you to stay here. It is best for you.”
From the kinship caregiver:
• “It is OK that you tell me how much you miss
your mom. I know you love her. That is OK.”
• “This is hard for you. Look around, we all
love you.”
• “Mom and Dad might be upset with me
sometimes, which is alright. The adults will
figure it out and you will be alright.”
• “Let’s talk about how to explain this to your
friends.”
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A successful co-parenting relationship
will lead to a greater understanding and
agreement regarding permanency for the
child. If reunification cannot occur, the roles
and patterns of communication are already
established when transfer of guardianship or
adoption is established.
Kinship care is hard work. It allows children
to be safe, loved, cared for and cherished by
those with whom they maintain a familial
relationship while at the same time they are
afforded the opportunity to have a connection
with and involvement of their birth parents.
BY KEN MYSOGLAND
Does this sound like your family? What do you
do now? You are not alone.
the child’s daily tasks;
• Give permission to the child to acknowledge
and accept the kinship caregiver’s authority;
• Demonstrate consistency in the message
about placement and frequency of contact
with their children;
• Articulate to the children that it is OK to
respect, trust and bond with their kinship
caregivers and to love them.
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• Feelings of guilt surfacing as the child’s
needs become the priority over the parent’s
needs or because success is established with
the child when the parent was not able to
provide a supportive environment;
• Embarrassment and shame in having to ask
for services or being involved with a state
agency;
• Loyalty issues as the kinship family tries not
to take the place of the birth parents while
at the same time, demonstrating loyalties to
the child.
As a grandmother recently told me,“I just
wouldn’t have it any other way. She is family. I
care for her but she has a mom. We can all love
her. The adults need to figure it all out. She is
here forever.”
Kinship care starts with a phone call. When
that call is answered, a life is changed forever. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Ken Mysogland is
currently a director with the Connecticut
Department of Children and Families.
Mysogland has been a member of Department
of Children and Families for 24 years. His
previous work experience includes being a
front line investigator, training supervisor
and program supervisor for investigations
and permanency in the Middletown and New
Haven offices. In 1997, he was appointed by the
commissioner to be the director of the Training
Academy and was later appointed in 1998 as
the director of the statewide Child Abuse and
Neglect Hotline. Mysogland is currently an
adjunct faculty member at both Sacred Heart
and Post University. Mysogland comes from a
tri-racial family and has eight adopted brothers
and sisters, many of whom suffered significant
abuse and neglect while in the care of their
biological parents. He has two children —
24-year-old Emily and 20-year-old Scott. Lastly,
Mysogland earned an undergraduate degree
from the University of Connecticut and earned
a master’s degree from Columbia University.
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feature
BY TRACEY FORREST
My Kinship
A
pril 19, 2012 I had the
whole day mapped out.
My third grandbaby was
turning 1. I planned a party at
McDonald’s and was planning on
inviting my two older grandchildren to come along. I was supposed to pick them up at 5:30 for
the festivities, so I ran around
all afternoon gathering toys and
goodies, because that’s what this
grandma does.
My shopping spree was cut short
at exactly 5:04 p.m. The image of
that time is burned into my mind.
It was my oldest daughter sobbing
uncontrollably. I couldn’t make
out her words she was crying so
hard. She passed the phone to her
friend who proceeded to tell me
that children’s aid was packing my
daughter’s children into a cruiser.
I instantly thought I was going to
be sick. I dropped my cart off to
the cashier, told her there was an
emergency, and that I would not
return for my purchase. I raced
to my car, paused for a moment
to say a silent prayer. I picked
up my cell phone and called the
after hours worker. Of course they
apprehended the kids after the
office was closed. I left my name
and number with the on call
service and drove to see my oldest
daughter Daphne (whose name
has been changed to protect her
privacy). As I drove away from the
store, it felt as though the world
was moving in slow motion.
I showed up to Daphne crumpled
on the floor still unable to form
words. I spent a good portion of
an hour helping her regain control
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F O S T E R I N G
FA M I L I E S
T O D AY
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so she could explain to me what
happened. I got the story and
managed to calm her down and
left to pick up the birthday girl
and her mom for her birthday
party.
On my way home to get them,
my phone rang. I was shocked to
hear Ashley, the caseworker, on
the phone. It was past 6. I asked
her what happened and where the
kids were. She briefly explained
her reasoning and that the children were together and safe. That
was all she would say. I told her I
would be by the next day to pick
up my grandkids. Her response?
Court is next Tuesday.
I chuckled. You see, Ashley
was new, three months out of
university with no kids, barely
older than Daphne and on a
mission to “save the world.”
I chuckled again. That’s the sound
I make while dawning my cape
and reconfiguring my attitude.
Da-da-da-da! Now Ashley was
in trouble! She was dealing with
Super Grandma. By then, I had
reached home and was standing
in my best super hero pose trying
to convince myself that I really
couldn’t kinetically send my mind
power through the phone and
poke her in the eye.
I chose to go where no wimpy
grandma would go. In my head, I
was chanting “Do you know who I
am?” My husband and I are registered foster parents.
Thankfully, those words did not
I packed up my other daughter
and grandbaby and the three of
us headed off to a rather silent
birthday supper. I then headed off
to work, still wearing my super
grandma cape.
As I climbed behind the wheel of
my 18-wheeler, I knew I had nothing but time and the open road
to process the day. I called my
husband, who is a long haul truck
driver and formed a game plan.
I then called every worker at the
agency, who knew me well, and
left voicemail after voicemail. A
word to the wise — never mess
with a Super Grandma trucker
equipped with a cell phone!
The next morning, I was still
jacked up on coffee and adrenaline, and had just spent all night
prepared to show Ashley what
SUPER looks like. That’s when the
miracles and answered prayers
began. At the exact moment I
heard the click sound of the door
unlocking, there was an “army” of
social workers and caseworkers
packed into an office.
Miracle #1: Ashley’s supervisor
was off sick. The acting supervisor was Cindy, only the best
caseworker ever. She was the only
consistent worker we had for the
five years our foster daughter lived
with us. She had been promoted
F O S T E R I N G
F A M I L I E S
to supervisor only two weeks
prior.
emotions, and getting settled. It
was bitter sweet.
Miracle #2: My husband called his
boss, explained things and was on
his way home. He would be home
in two hours.
The kids were with family, the
agency trusted us, so we started
supervised visits in my home
immediately. I considered it reunification from day one. The agency
may have called it something different but my plan was in place.
An official meeting was scheduled
for later that morning. We decided
to spend the weekend moving the
kids’ things from my daughter’s
house to ours and that the kids
were to stay in care until Monday.
Daphne packed up their room at
her house and we set it exactly
the same at our house. We cried,
prayed, laughed, cried, hugged,
cried, worried, cried and more.
Monday at 3:45 p.m. Ashley
showed up with both kids in the
car. The kids were so happy to see
me they literally jumped into my
arms.
The first few weeks were really
rough. We had to form new
boundaries with mom, I had to
figure out what to do about my
job and the kids were really mixed
around. My sister came to help
until we got things figured out.
Miracle #3: my work granted
me two months stress leave so I
could get the kids settled. They
don’t give leave anymore because
of past employees abusing the
system. So two weeks to the day, I
was now a stay-at-home grandma
— temporarily. I had never been
a stay-at-home anything before.
We worked on routine, reforming
boundaries, dealing with endless
T O D AY
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You see, for about a year Daphne
was in an abusive relationship.
Her story could be considered
textbook. Her reasoning was common. She had convinced herself
that as long as he was going after
her, he was leaving the kids alone.
His tactics were typical of abusers — emotional, physical and
sexual. Yes, he raped her — twice.
My husband and I had suspicions
but she denied it. Even the kids
were taught to lie to us and to the
agency.
Before apprehension, they were
on a court ordered service agreement. I say court ordered, but for
anyone who has experienced the
court system, it was more like
filed in the court awaiting judgement because it was remanded a
whopping nine times in less than
a year.
The reason for the order? Dad had
a current file with his other two
children and had a lifelong history
of domestic violence. Can someone say red flag? He is the father
of my oldest grandchild although
he was not involved for the first
five years until my daughter got
this great idea to reunite. She
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figured she could “save” or maybe
even “fix” him. After she came
to grips with the fact that she
couldn’t “love” him better, they
broke up.
The final straw was the day he
attacked her and the children witnessed it. She tried to escape the
apartment but he went after his
daughter. Mom bravely stepped in
between them. He beat and raped
her shortly after the children ran
to the neighbor’s home.
BY TRACEY FORREST
spill from my mouth. I calmly
but boldly informed Ashley that
“I will be there tomorrow to pick
up the little ones, see you bright
and early.”
focus
Parenting Journey
It’s still unclear why she let him in
that day. They hadn’t been together for a few months and she was
building a friendship with someone else. When I found this part
out, Daphne and I went straight
to the police station, filed charges
and got a restraining order.
The next day, the kids were taken
into care. It’s a hard pill to swallow
considering for the first time since
she let her ex into her life, she was
finally strong enough to take a
stand. Reality soon sunk in and
Daphne realized that it was affecting the kids. So her journey to be
the best mom to her kids began.
Again, bitter sweet. It needed to
happen. She woke up. She got help.
She learned to be independant
and was forced to get the much
needed therapy.
I got the kids into therapy as well.
It was a three month battle to get
someone to work with them. I just
put on my cape and never let up.
This was one of the strangest
3 1
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BY TRACEY FORREST
journeys I have ever been on. I
literally sat on both sides of the
fence. I was working with the
agency when it came to care for
the children, then I switched
capes to super step-mom and
fought against them for rights for
Daphne. The interesting part was,
they accepted that. Who knew?
Maybe they really did know who
I was.
Until this point it was hard, but we
managed to be on the same team.
Summer that year was fun. I
returned to work and the kids
went to camp every day. They
seemed to settle into our new
routine. They had never had an
actual schedule before.
Mid-October we finally got
a court order. That’s right.
Remanded 15 times in 17 months.
Why? Dear Ashley didn’t have her
crap together. Daphne’s ex, who
was now incarcerated, had rights.
He hadn’t been served. They
couldn’t serve biological father
for her other child because they
couldn’t find him. Paperwork was
not filed in time, and the list goes
on and on.
After my younger daughter moved
out, there were two bedrooms
free, so we gave the kids each their
own room. They had never had
their own rooms before so it took
a bit to adjust.
The agency bumped up the visits.
We were having daily visits with
mom for four hours each day.
Our goal was that by the time
school started, she would come
from after school until bed time
and she would fully care for them
in my home. We got sleep overs
Friday nights and mom took
Saturday nights off. We all attended church and approved family
events together.
3 2
We were no longer team players. I
found myself in the worst position
a mom or grandma wants to be
in. The gloves came off and I was
now the enemy. We often found
ourselves in power struggles.
Mom’s fight instinct had finally
kicked back in, so I backed off.
Shortly before Christmas we
were given a new protection
worker. Yippy! No more Ashley.
Unfortunately, this new worker
was a fully by the book and the
paperwork filed was not worded
“just so.” The first alone overnight visit that was scheduled for
Christmas night was now revoked.
At the end of August, I hired a
live-in nanny. She was a last year
nursing student at the nearby college. I worked nights so basically
she was a body in the house while
they slept. Once school started,
mom was the main care provider
and I just had to be in the house.
Needless to say, Christmas morning was a nightmare. The kids
opened their gifts, Mom was
there. Within an hour she had
them pack all of their things
up and the three of them caged
themselves in the room for the
entire day. Mom was looking for
a fight from whomever she could
but impressively out of all five
other kids, none of them took the
bait.
That’s when the real fun began.
She refused to speak to anyone
F O S T E R I N G
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and she did not encourage the
kids to join in any activities
throughout the day.
Again, it was a hard place to be
in. Kick the kid out on Christmas
Day? Eventually, after dinner we
did just that.
The next few months were a blur.
She had the kids convinced that I
worked for the agency and it was
my fault that they were there. It
was heart breaking. We were so
close to reunification. All of the
ducks were in a row. I fought to
have reintegration staff assigned
to the case and the plan was set.
We were now in the home stretch.
The only problem was that now
Daphne and I struggled to just be
in the same room together. The
tension was thick so I backed off
more. After all, the goal was to
have her parent full time. January
and February were nightmare
months.
Miracle #4: Just when none if us
could take it anymore, a new lawyer was hired at the agency. She
reviewed the case and decided
that all terms had been met,
no reintegration was necessary
because of the ramped up schedule at my place and the kids were
to be returned to Mom, under
conditions, of course. Two days
later, on March 26, 2013, the kids
were returned to their mom.
For the first time in my life, my
husband and I lived alone. The
next three months were horrible.
The kids were returned and
Daphne absolutely would not let
the kids anywhere near me. I went
from best grandma ever, to main
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care provider, to enemy in 11
months. I was crushed.
I decided through this last part of
the journey that I would just love
them anyway. Daphne is my stepdaughter. I figured out how to love
her on purpose.
One month ago, I was granted
my first alone visit with the kids.
Thankfully children are more forgiving. I went seven months with
only seeing them three times.
Miracle #5: patience, perseverance
and love have conquered and I
have seen them every weekend for
the past four. This weekend makes
five. I can finally breath again.
By God’s grace alone, our family is
on the path to healing. I get asked
if I would do it again. Yes, in a
heartbeat! I know I did the right
thing. I made mistakes but I have
a bond with those beautiful kids
that can never be broken. To them,
I really am super grandma. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tracey
Forrest grew up in south western
Ontario, Canada. She and her husband have two biological kids, one
foster daughter, three bonus kids,
four beautiful grandbabie. They
also have four extras and a big
table. Her favorite thing is being
a grandma, closely followed by
being a mom. Forrest has raised
10 children, but has been bringing
kids without families home for
holidays since I was 12. Forrest
became a mom at 18, finished
school, found a great job, bought
a house raised her girls and foster
daughter on her own until she
met her husband five years ago.
M
ichaela had a rough start. Her
parents’ drug addiction and her
mother’s mental illness meant
her childhood was spent in turmoil. She
and her twin sister spent years moving
from home to home as their mother ran
from their abusive father. At times they
went without food, running water or heat.
Fortunately,
life turned
around for
Michaela
when she
entered foster
care.
She elaborated on her experience in a
recent interview with Children’s Rights. “My
mom asked my cousins if they would take
us … I think my mom knew that we would
be in good hands if we were placed there,”
Michaela said. Her cousins’ home was clean,
there was always food on the table, and she
didn’t have to worry about people coming
in and out to sell or buy drugs.
Michaela and her sister are two of the thousands of young people who each year find
their way into kinship foster placements.
Of the roughly 400,000 children in U.S.
F O S T E R I N G
F A M I L I E S
T O D AY
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There is good reason for this. “Living with
relatives can minimize the loss that comes
when kids are separated from their parents,
give children
a sense of
stability
and belonging, and
help them
maintain
relationships,”
said Sandy
Santana,
chief operating officer
at Children’s
Rights. “That
is why CR
advocates for kids to live in licensed kinship placements when it is safe and appropriate and when kin receive adequate training and support.”
Children Right’s work has resulted in more
children living in licensed foster homes
with relatives and close family friends.
Thanks to our reform campaign in
Connecticut, the percentage of children in
care living with a relative or person they
knew increased by 44 percent from 2011 to
2013. And we have made gains in metropolitan Atlanta too. Before we took action
there, workers failed to seek relatives to
care for foster children, but by last year they
made an aggressive effort to locate relatives
to care for almost all children in need of
placement.
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NEWS
Moving children into kinship homes should
never compromise their safety. Just like nonfamily foster homes, kinship homes should
be licensed and parents should receive
training. Children’s Rights has heard the
horror stories of bad kinship placements.
One young man, for example, told us when
he lived with his uncle “they locked me in a
basement. They treated me like an animal,
like an unwelcome burden.”
Michaela told us she is thankful she was
placed in the care of people who made an
effort to help her stay connected to other
family members. Before Michaela’s mother
passed away, her cousins would drive her
and her sister to visit their mother on
holidays, she said. “My cousins knew my
mother’s tendencies, and they loved her just
for who she was,” Michaela said.
Michaela is now studying social work at the
University of Alabama. Watching her parents
struggle with drug addictions has led her to
want to be an addictions counselor, she said.
And the help she received in foster care has
her well on her way.
BY L A U R E N K I D D F E R G U S O N
“I have never
felt unloved,
unwanted or
uncared for
in foster care,”
Michaela
wrote in a
blog post for Children’s Rights’ Fostering
the Future campaign. She and her sister
spent two years in a group home, before
moving into a kinship placement with their
mother’s cousin and her husband.
foster care, about 110,000, or 28 percent,
are in the care of relatives, according to the
Administration for Children and Families
within the U.S. Department of Health and
Human Services.
column: children’s rights news
The Value of Kinship Foster Homes
“I now have awesome supporters, a loving
environment, and encouragement when I
need it. Thanks to the foster care system, I
have been given so many awesome opportunities,” she said. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Lauren Kidd
Ferguson is communications manager for
Children’s Rights, a national advocacy group
working to reform failing child welfare
systems on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of abused and neglected children who
depend on them for protection and care.
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B Y S A R A H D AV I S
Complexities
ofA Foster
Care
Bir h Mother’s Perspective
MY
story began Dec. 5, 2001
when I found out I was pregnant. I was 17 years old, a
junior in high school and absolutely not ready
to become a mother. I was living with my
boyfriend and his mom in an environment
that was not safe for me, let alone a baby. I
was, by most accounts, a good girl. I had good
grades and I enjoyed school, I didn’t use drugs
or alcohol and I had never attended a party
before. My boyfriend attempted to reassure
me that everything would be OK, but despite
his insistence, I wasn’t ready. So I made the
decision to explore adoption.
I had contacted a local, reputable adoption
agency and, after a few months of counseling
and meetings, I had my search narrowed down
between three families. But March 29, 2002, I
felt the one and only thing that was going to
change my mind about giving my baby up for
adoption — the flutter of the human who I
had created moving inside of me. My adoption
plan was abruptly abandoned, and although
I had no idea how I was going to take care of
her, my mind was made up. The rest of my
pregnancy went fairly smooth and my baby
girl was born in July 2002, exactly seven days
after my 18th birthday. Looking back, that
was probably the beginning of my debilitating
post-partum depression, but at that time, I
didn’t even know what that was.
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F O S T E R I N G
FA M I L I E S
T O D AY
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Eight months later my life changed forever. I
was having a difficult time dealing with my
rapidly changing emotions and the stress of
taking care of my baby girl on my own without support. I had been prescribed some antidepressants a few weeks earlier, but I wasn’t
taking them. That day I felt so overwhelmed
that I overdosed on my antidepressants. I was
rushed to the hospital and my baby girl was
placed into foster care.
I spent the next three days on the phone
with social workers and I was told that my
daughter would only be held until I got out
of the hospital, then returned home to me.
Unfortunately, that did not happen. When I
left the hospital, I stayed with my aunt. When I
received my initial paperwork, I was surprised
to see that the reason for emergency placement was due to a drug overdose instead of
a suicide attempt. At that time, I had never
touched an actual drug or drop of alcohol.
Because of that fateful decision to base my
case on drug addiction, my reunification
requirements went in a completely different
direction.
My daughter was placed with an initial family for three days then transferred to a more
permanent placement. I had called my cousin
and asked her if she would to keep my daughter temporarily until I was able to regain
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custody. Without any hesitation, she agreed.
I knew that my cousin and her husband had
extra money, they were strong in their faith
and they had a stable home environment.
Their two boys were older, which gave them
more time to care for my daughter.
I was incredibly overwhelmed by the process.
I was left to deal with the ongoing meetings,
court proceedings, reunification requirements,
visitations and everything else that went along
with the process completely on my own. My
reunification requirements included substance
abuse evaluations and treatment that I had no
money to pay for. Other goals included obtaining my GED, attending parenting classes and
obtaining permanent and safe housing and
employment. I had no friends, no supporting
family, no guidance of how this process was
“supposed” to go and I was terrified.
Immediately, my caseworker and cousin
became close. They began talking and hanging
out on a personal level, outside of visitations
and meetings. My cousin and her husband
even ended up buying a house that the caseworkers’ parents were selling, through a private
sale. Within two months of my daughter being
placed with my cousin, she and her husband
began the of guardianship process. They hired
an attorney and the state was more than willing to grant their request because that meant
The next step that my cousin and her husband
took was to gain temporary custody of my
daughter. Throughout this entire process, I
didn’t feel that the goal was to get my daughter
back to me. I felt like no one would listen to me
or take me seriously. I can’t say that I blame
them because of my lack of parental or family support or my inability to cooperate with
my reunification requirements, I was in no
way capable of taking care of my daughter by
myself at that point. I got a good job and was
working 50-60 hours of work a week; most
of my paychecks went to my cousin for my
daughter. I naively never asked for a receipt
from her for the money I was paying her. I also
got my daughter into a home visit education
program through the state (Head Start) so that
she would get regular screenings and I would
get proper guidance on how to care for and
educate her.
But by mid 2004, I had begun using drugs and
I put myself into an outpatient rehab program.
The program continued throughout the summer but I eventually began using again so I
went into an inpatient program. After completing my inpatient program during the first
week of 2005, I transferred into a long-term
residential home. I stayed in constant contact
with my cousin during my time away, but she
was quick to use my struggles against me. I
once got a letter from her while I was there
with a disturbing and hurtful question, “What
is your fascination with OUR daughter?”
In February 2005, I found out I was pregnant
F O S T E R I N G
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Needless to say, I never got my baby girl back.
She has been raised by my cousin and her husband. She has grown up well — she has been
offered opportunities and things that I never
would have been able to offer her. After my son
was born in October 2005, I had a great relationship with my daughter and my cousin. I
was able to spend a lot of quality time with my
daughter and I was truly grateful for that.
My cousin and I have not always been on great
terms throughout the years and because of
that, my relationship with my daughter has
suffered. It got to the point where my cousin
and her husband only allowed me to see her
on special occasions. In December 2012, I saw
my daughter for the first time in almost four
years. My cousin and I have begun to mend
our relationship. We are friends on Facebook
and I have been given the opportunity to
watch my daughter grow through photos, status updates and private messages between my
cousin and me. My cousin has recently given
me the opportunity to have a relationship with
my daughter. I guess she has begun asking
questions and asking to see me.
Thinking back on those challenging years,
I was so scared and overwhelmed. I had no
way of knowing what the outcome would be.
At the time, I was selfish. I thought they were
stealing her away from me. I still have some
resentment about what happened and I believe
that it could’ve been done in a more honest
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and civil way. I never thought that I would give
my daughter up for adoption, but in the end I
think I just gave in — those three years definitely took a toll on me.
I have raised my son to be a great little boy! He
just turned 8 in October 2013 and while he is
as ornery as ever, he is the literal light of my
life! What I went through with my daughter
definitely made me a stronger person and a
better mother. I have since handled my emotional health in an appropriate manner and my
son has had a great life!
B Y S A R A H D AV I S
After my daughter was taken, I began drinking heavily on a regular basis. I was partying
and staying out all night. I did have a job but
I wasn’t taking the proper steps needed for
reunification. Throughout this process, I was
also naively honest with my cousin, to a fault,
about what was going on in my life and my
personal struggles. She later used this information against me.
again. I got a call from my cousin asking
me for my address so she could send me
a congratulations card; a week later I got
adoption papers in the mail. They were full
of lies (“mother failed to provide financial,
educational and medical support on the child;
mother has not had any contact with the child
for a consecutive six months”) and I contacted
an attorney. I was devastated. I felt like there
was nothing I could do — I was 20 years old,
pregnant with my second child, living with a
friend and only working part-time. I had no
savings and no money to fund an attorney. The
adoption took place in May 2005.
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the state didn’t have to provide insurance on
my daughter any longer.
I was not a full person then and today I can
admit that; at the time I had no idea what was
going on inside me. I have learned to take better care of myself; I have educated myself on
mental illness and learned to take the proper
precautions and ask for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed or depressed. Parenthood
is hard; sometimes the rewards outweigh the
struggles and sometimes they don’t. But in the
end, it is all worth it.
I think the men and women that choose to be
foster parents are amazing — you have to be
in order to open your heart and your home to
children that so desperately need it. But not
every parent of a child in foster care is a drug
addict, abusive or neglectful; sometimes they
make mistakes and just need a little extra help
or education. I am thankful for the families
that took care of my daughter when I couldn’t.
And I thank God daily for sending my cousin
and her husband to my daughter.
Not all birth parents are derelict or awful when
their child is placed into the care of a foster
parent. I know that the job of the foster parent isn’t to help the parents but to provide for
the child. However, a little compassion and an
open and caring heart can go a long way. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sarah Davis lives in
Missouri with her son and fiancé. She attends
college to become a teacher. She remains in
contact with her daughter.
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B Y B E V E R LY J . PA R A M O R E
Foster Parents
Making the
Connection
B
ecoming a foster child can affect the
emotional core of a child’s being. As
a result of becoming foster children,
some children feel alone, rejected and abandoned. To be fair, however, there are some
children who are grateful to become foster
children because they were rescued from
unpleasant and sometimes dangerous situations. Becoming foster parents can be rewarding. When these two components come
together, an amazing life changing experience
is possible for both.
At 6 years old, I became a foster child. I lost
things in life that were familiar to me. I was
disconnected from my mother, whom I loved
dearly. One pleasant memory of my mother
is when she would cook, I would pretend to
cook with the toy cooking set she bought me.
One day, she put a little biscuit dough in my
toy muffin pan and placed it in the oven for a
few seconds. I was thrilled because I felt like
I was really cooking. I loved my mother and
missed her when our separation took place. It
was just the two of us.
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F O S T E R I N G
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My mother suffered with depression. At
times, I didn’t quite understand what was
happening to her. My mother was a binge
drinker. She didn’t drink every day, but when
she did drink, the drinking binge would last
about a week. It was during this time that I
would be verbally abused by her. My feelings
would be so hurt.
I knew that my mother was feeling better
when she would come off of her drinking
binge. I would be relieved. It was during this
time that she and I would switch roles. I acted
like the mother to help her feel better and she
depended on my help because she would be
weak and sick.
I knew the routine. My mother would send
me to the store to buy chicken noodle soup.
When I got back, I would open the soup, pour
it in a pan, heat it up on a gas stove and take
it to her. She would tell me how good it tasted.
While this switching of roles was dysfunctional because I was so young, it was familiar
to me and I was comfortable with it.
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Sometimes when living became unbearable
for my mother, she would attempt suicide.
One day I came home from school and I
was overtaken by a horrific scene. Upon
opening the door, I heard a scream that
sounded like it was far away. The scream
became louder. I realized my mouth was
open and that the scream was coming from
me.
Blood was everywhere. Blood was on the
ceiling, bed and floor. While standing next
to the dresser, I looked to my left and saw a
clump of blood that had started to congeal.
My mother was nowhere in sight. She had
slit her wrists. I thought she was dead. Later
I learned, from the neighbor who rescued
me from that bloody scene, that my mother
was still alive.
This was my mother’s third suicide attempt.
Then the state stepped in and I became
a foster child. The reason they took me
is they believed if she attempted suicide
again, she might try to take my life, too.
My eyes opened. It was the next morning. I
woke up with a terrible stomach ache. I told
my foster mother about my stomach ache.
She fixed my breakfast, gave me some aspirin
and sent me off to school. I never told her
of my attempt. I thank God the attempt was
unsuccessful. I never attempted suicide again.
Suicide rates are high with youth. According
to the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention and National Center for Injury
Prevention and Control, for youth between
the ages of 10 and 24, the third highest cause
of death is suicide, according to an August
2012 article.
There are warning signs that some youth may
be contemplating suicide. It may be difficult
to determine warning signs if the child hasn’t
lived in your home for a length of time. Not
all youth reach this depth of depression. With
some youth, there is no need for concern at
all.
F O S T E R I N G
F A M I L I E S
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If a child has lived in your home for any
length of time, and you see a change
in behavior patterns, the child may be
depressed. Prolonged depression can lead to
suicidal thoughts. Warning signs of depression are loss of appetite, separating from relationships and wanting to be alone more often.
The child may lose interest in activities that
they once thought to be fun or interesting.
If they were making good grades in school,
sometimes their grades may begin to slip. All
of these warning signs do not happen at the
same time. Sometimes, it may be only one or
two warning signs.
If the foster child is a boy, he may be interested in learning how to cook. If he is not
interested in learning how to cook, do something he likes to do where you can initiate
conversation. If you all are playing ball, during a break, ask him if he wants to play ball
professionally. The conversation will go on
from there.
Depression is a sinking feeling. This sinking feeling makes a person feel less valued.
Feelings of worthlessness take over. A child
who was once energetic and excited becomes
less energetic; feels stuck, sad and melancholy. Gloom or melancholy grows with
prolonged depression. They begin to feel discouraged and hopeless.
With all that said, there can be a light at the
end of that tunnel. In other words, a connection can be made. Even if a child does not
display depression, a lifeline of information
can be extended that can make a positive difference in a foster child’s life.
This information is alarming. The feeling of
being disconnected is prevalent in a lot of
youth. Something that is even more alarming
is youth who attempt suicide, like myself, but
don’t succeed and never tell. Youth need to
feel connected.
If a child says, “I don’t want to live anymore,”
cooking and washing dishes. Well, no one
bothered to ask me if I knew how to cook. I
was told to fry chicken and cook rice for dinner. Because I didn’t know how to cook, the
chicken was rubbery (not done) and the rice
was gummy. You know what? I don’t recall
ever having to cook dinner after that.
Conversation can be initiated to find out what
their interests are; finding out what they want
to be when they grow up. You might even be
able to give some tips on how to achieve their
dreams. Having constructive conversations
is something that a lot of foster youth miss
out on.
The following is something that can be helpful to the child. Learning to clean the house
or their rooms. If the child is older, sometimes it is taken for granted that the child
knows how to clean up his or her room or
knows how to vacuum and do other chores.
That is not the case all of the time. If the child
has never been shown how to do these things,
he or she will not know how to do them.
By taking the time to have constructive
conversation with the child gives him or her
some direction. What can you do together to
initiate conversation? For example, if they are
old enough, teach them how to cook some
simple dishes.
To play it safe, teach the child how you like
to clean. Show how you like the furniture
dusted. Show how to mop by putting water
in the bucket and actually mop some of the
floor and then stand by and watch. This way
you can give tips on how to clean. The older
child may already know how to do these
things. However, don’t take it for granted that
they already know how. They may not have
been taught.
When I was 15 years old, and being the newest foster child in the home, it was my turn
to cook. In this home, everybody took turns
When I was growing up in foster care,
nobody told me how to choose friends —
what to look for in a friend. Youth today are
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One night, I was feeling sad and decided
that I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
That night I decided to end my pain. I told
myself that “they” would miss me. That
thought comforted and consoled me. While
sitting on the side of my bed, I took one pill,
drank some water; took another pill, drank
some more water, and so forth. When I had
finished, I snuggled down underneath my
covers, pulled them up underneath my chin,
closed my eyes and fell asleep.
“I’m tired of living,” or “things would be better off if I wasn’t here,” these are verbal warning signs. They are actually cries for help.
The child is verbalizing what he or she feels,
but doesn’t know what else to do. The child
is reaching out for help, hoping that someone
cares enough to throw out a lifeline.
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Around age 10, I was able to spend some
weekends with my mother. I loved that.
However, when it was time to return to my
foster home, I would become sad.
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exposed to social media and have friend relationships online.
Another thing that happens online is bullying. Online bullying is called cyberbullying.
In today’s society, cyberbullying causes
depression in youth.
If you feel uneasy about discussing this topic,
join the ranks. Even some parents of biological children often miss the opportunity to
have this conversation. But this is a great
topic to discuss. Knowing that someone
understands and cares about some of the
issues they may face in school, could be a life
changing experience for them.
Most states have passed laws in order to help
prevent bullying in schools. As a result of
these laws, it is mandatory that schools in
some of the states have anti-bullying policies.
These policies should include disciplinary
actions that will be taken in the event a child
is bullied. Request a copy of the school’s antibullying policy. If you have any questions
about their policy, be sure to ask the school’s
administrator or the child’s teacher. They
won’t mind answering your questions on this
topic.
Another conversation you can have with
teenagers is informing them about aging
out of the system. Encourage them to look
into any resources and options they may
have. Their social worker should be able to
give them some information. There are also
organizations out there that they can connect with to learn about resources. Foster
Care Alumni of America is one such organization at www.fostercarealumni.org.
No one told me about aging out of the system. I had never even heard of aging out
until I was told I had to move out. That was
a frightening awakening! Providing this
type of information for the next chapter
in the teen’s life is so valuable. The more
knowledge they are provided will help them
to be more equipped to prepare for their
future.
Teaching job search skills is important.
Role playing job interviews would be an
excellent way to teach them. Also, be sure to
tell them to never fill out an application in
pencil. Although many jobs can be applied
for online, they will still have to fill out an
application when they are called in for an
interview.
For those who have never worked, you can
help them to compile a simplistic resume
showing school history and goals they would
like to pursue. These job search skills are
valuable and can take the scary edge off of
looking for employment. Even if they are not
looking for a job right now, these skills will
one day come in handy.
One of the most important things I believe
that you can do with your foster children
is to have constructive conversations with
them. The children will benefit greatly from
these conversations. It will be a rewarding
experience for you to have helped someone
on their life’s journey.
They will feel valued because someone cares
enough to take the time to talk to them and
to teach them necessary things they will
need to know. Thank you, foster parents, for
making the connection. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Beverly Paramore is
a former foster child and published author.
She is the author of “Your Creator Loves You,
Foster Child,” which can be found at http://
bit.ly/18jt6BP.
[ kids in waiting ]
Kristain, 15, prefers to be called Krissy and is ready to meet her forever family; so much so that
she has even pictured what it might look like. She says she prefers two parents, with both a dad and
mom and hopefully either older or younger siblings. If her new home had pets, this animal lover
would not object, and she would be particularly pleased if she were presented with a feline, canine
or equine companion. A churchgoing family would be welcome, as Krissy has previously attended
and enjoyed services. Last year she joined the swim team for the first time, and discovered that
she really likes swimming. This lovely young woman’s favorite classes are math and language arts.
Krissy is in the eighth grade and currently participates in counseling.
Her caseworker agrees with Krissy’s preferences — a two-parent family with either older or younger siblings; however, all types of families will be considered. Financial assistance may be available
for adoption-related services. For Colorado children, both homestudied and non-homestudied
Colorado families are encouraged to inquire; only homestudied families from other states should do
so. For more information, contact The Adoption Exchange at (800) 451-5246. Child ID #10297
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F O S T E R I N G
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U
nconditional love is
one of the greatest gifts
you can give a foster
child. Many foster children
come from chaotic homes filled
with abuse and neglect. Often
they have learned that love and
affection is a currency which
can be given or denied. In
such a turbulent environment,
children find control by taking
on responsibility and blame
for the way they have been
treated. The result is that they
do not inherently believe they
are deserving of the love and
care-taking that a parent should
provide.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BUILDS
TRUST. Foster children often
struggle with trusting others
after the way they have been
betrayed and abandoned by
their caregivers. They are often
reluctant to share any problems
they experience out of fear
that they will be punished or
abandoned because of their
“weakness” or poor choices.
The more that you demonstrate
to a foster child that your love
and affection for them is not
dependent on their behavior,
the more they will learn to open
F O S T E R I N G
F A M I L I E S
believe they can depend on no
one but themselves. Combined
with a reluctance to ask for help
and a skewed understanding
of healthy relationships,
foster children may often feel
overwhelmed with no where to
turn.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BUILDS
SELF-CONFIDENCE. Many foster
children do not believe they
are worthy of love. They may
believe that if they had been
a little bit better — smarter,
prettier, happier, self-reliant,
etc. — that they wouldn’t have
been taken away from their
homes. Others have experienced
direct emotional abuse at the
hands of their caregivers and
have internalized the negative
messages as truth about
themselves. Left uncorrected,
this low self-esteem can lead
to depression, anxiety and selfabuse.
Foster children that receive
unconditional love from their
foster families learn that they are
not alone in the world — that
there is someone who cares about
their well-being and wants to
help. This knowledge alone, helps
reduce the loneliness and anxiety
that can be paralyzing in stressful
situations. Furthermore, children
that receive unconditional love
will learn that it is safe to ask for
help. This allows foster families to
be more aware and involved with
the child’s struggles and helps
ensure that they are learning
healthy stress management
techniques.
Foster children that receive
unconditional love from their
foster families eventually learn
that they are inherently worthy
of love. They learn that making
mistakes is forgivable and that
they are no less deserving of
love, even when they make poor
choices. This love and support
will slowly begin to replace the
negative beliefs that halt their
ability to heal.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE HELPS
CHILDREN COPE WITH STRESS.
Accompanying the abandonment
issues that many foster children
experience is the feeling of being
alone in the world. They may
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THE GIFT THAT GIVES BACK.
Unconditional love is an easy
concept to talk about, but
not always an easy thing to
experience. Some foster parents
may fear loving children
unconditionally because they
understand that their time with
a child may be brief. Others
may hold themselves back
because it is dangerous to love.
Foster children, even with the
best families, require a lot of
healing. It is terrifying to love
someone who may — knowingly
or unknowingly — make
dangerous and harmful choices.
Unconditional love is a huge risk.
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However, loving your foster child
unconditionally will better help
you to deal with the frustrations
of daily life and cope with
particularly trying times. It breeds
affection and joy in a household.
When you love unconditionally,
the child’s triumphs become
your triumphs. And when you
are so giving of yourself and your
love, eventually that love will be
returned.
Every child deserves to know
that they are loved without
reserve or limitation. Take the
risk to love your foster child
unconditionally. ❁
BY M A R K A N T H O N Y G A R R E T T
It is your job, as foster parent to
provide a safe and stable home
for your foster child. But you also
have the task of trying to erase
the negative messages they have
received.
To do this, it is particularly
important for a foster child’s
growth and healing to believe
that their new foster families love
them without restriction.
up about their problems and
feelings. They will learn to trust
that you will not hurt them as
others have in the past and slowly
they will begin to acquire the
skills necessary to have healthy
and successful interactions with
others.
column: fostering families
The Power of Unconditional Love
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark
Anthony Garrett is a former
foster and adopted child. As a
professional speaker, master
trainer and author, Mark
Anthony is one of America’s
leading experts on educating and
empowering foster children and
individuals who serve and work
within the Child Welfare industry.
To contact Mark for speaking
engagements or to receive his free
educational newsletter, visit www.
FosterCareExpert.com or call
(614) 732-3568.
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column: must reads
B Y K I M P H A G A N - H A N S E L A N D R AY N A R D V I N C E N T P R I C E
must reads
A DIFFERENT HOME: A NEW
FOSTER CHILD’S STORY
By John DeGarmo, Ed.D., and
Kelly DeGarmo
Illustrated by Norma Jeanne
Trammell
Jessica Kingsley Publishers,
2014, ISBN: 978-1-84905-9879, 48 pages, $14.95
Being removed from your birth
family and placed into the
care of a foster family — mere
strangers — is a traumatic
experience for children. The
new book, “A Different Home:
A New Foster Child’s Story” chronicles Jessica’s journey from an everyday student sitting in class to the moment her life forever changed
when she was taken into child protective custody. Jessica moves in
with a foster family, and while nice people, she is scared, alone and
confused by her situation. She misses her mom and home even
though she admits there was a lot of yelling and fighting. Debbie and
Jim work to make Jessie feel comfortable in their home and welcome
her into their family. As time goes on, Jessie feels more comfortable
and safe as she waits for her mommy to get “her stuff worked out.”
Written by foster parents John and Kelly DeGarmo, “A Different Home:
A New Foster Child’s Story,” paints a true picture of what children
experience when they first enter foster care. Scared, alone and confused, these children struggle to understand why they are now living
at a stranger’s home. The book does a great job in two respects. First,
as a children’s book, it’s something foster parents can read to children
the first night they welcome the child to their home. It will help the
children understand that they are not alone and that it is OK to be
afraid. Second, the book gives foster parents a greater understanding of the depth of feelings children have as they enter foster care. It
allows them to empathize with the character, and in turn, empathize
with the children who come through their home. At the end of the
book, the DeGarmos provide some “advice for foster parents,” which
gives them a few tips for making the first night a success. “A Different
Home: A New Foster Child’s Story,” is a great book for any foster parent
to have on hand. — Reviewed by Kim Phagan-Hansel
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F O S T E R I N G
FA M I L I E S
T O D AY
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DEVOTIONS OF
COMFORT AND HOPE
FOR ADOPTIVE AND
FOSTER MOMS
By Carol Lozier, LCSW
with Lisa Edmunds
Carol Lozier, LCSW, 2013,
ISBN: 978-0-9898815-0-0,
262 pages, $12.99
Where do you turn to in
your darkest hour or in
your greatest moment
of joy? Who gives you
strength when you’re just
starting the adoption
process or struggling
with your child’s difficult
behaviors? For many,
the answer would be to God or the bible. The new book, “Devotions
of Comfort and Hope for Adoptive and Foster Moms” is the perfect
answer for families struggling for help or needing affirmation of the
path they’re traveling and the work they’re doing. Written by a therapist who has worked with foster and adoptive families for more than
25 years and an adoptive mom, the insight provided in the book comes
from those familiar with the challenges, struggles and joys.
The book provides 120 days worth of devotional readings. Each reading includes a scripture reading, then dialogue about adoption, parenting and fostering that pertains to the Bible passage. Each entry is then
concluded with a daily prayer that is meant to offer support and uplift
the family. The book is an interesting approach to some of the struggles families face. In one place, people can find scripture that pertains
to the challenges and joys of parenting children by adoption and foster
care. For those who take comfort in the Lord’s guidance and Bible
study, “Devotions of Comfort and Hope for Adoptive and Foster Moms”
will provide a welcoming reassurance on their parenting journey.
Author Carol Lozier shares one of her favorite scriptures in working
with families: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,
for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold
you with my righteous right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
“When I’m working with a family they often share times of joy, but of
course they also talk about times of hardship,” Lozier writes. “During
these trying times, parents are often tired, overwhelmed, and feeling
hopeless or worried about the future. This verse reminds them that the
Lord is walking alongside them, and they can lean on Him for encouragement and comfort on their journey to healing.”
— Reviewed by Kim Phagan-Hansel
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You see teenagers reach out for help, only to find more difficulties on
the horizon. As they enter group homes, the bullying and brokenness
they experience only amplifies their challenges. It is heart breaking
to watch siblings be separated because no one will take two teenage
girls. It’s also difficult to watch two teenage boys enter a life of crime
just to be able to eat. Each story is equally heartbreaking and disheartening to see how the “system” fails children. Toward the end of
the film, you watch as these teens become survivors instead of victims
of their fate. You begin to see them take control of their futures by
moving their lives beyond the experiences of their youth. Addie leaves
you with this message at the end of the film, “The future can be different…we can’t just quit on ourselves. We can do it. We know how.”
“Know How” was heartbreaking and enlightening. It’s important for
people to see the struggles so many children face. As social services
makes the decision to remove children from their families, you will
find yourself questioning if the situation the teens were moved into
was actually better, or just equally damaging in a different way.
“Know How” is a great film that will hopefully help others understand the challenges children face and empower them to step up to
help in some way. All of these young people should be commended
for being brave enough to share the story of their reality (note, there
is profanity and adult scenes included). Social workers would truly
benefit from seeing this film when it is released in 2014, as well as
others working with young adults in the foster care system. Definitely
a must-see.
— Reviewed by Kim Phagan-Hansel
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“Voices for the Forgotten” is an easy read with submissions from various voices from around the world. “Voices for the Forgotten” answers
many questions that we in child welfare often have, particularly when
we expand our world from our local communities and our immediate
surroundings. We get to see the bigger picture on a larger canvas. We
get our questions answered along with questions we didn’t know to ask.
We get to know what we don’t know.
What is foster care like in Serbia? African countries? Japan? Malta?
Ireland? Canada? New Zealand? Who are IFCO’S past presidents and
what were their visions? What is the relationship to the United Nations
and IFCO? What levels of support do caregivers around the world want
and need? Are there common threads and concerns around the world
regarding foster care?
B Y K I M P H A G A N - H A N S E L A N D R AY N A R D V I N C E N T P R I C E
“Know How” follows the lives of a handful of New York teenagers —
Addie, Marie, Megan, Eva, Austin — as they struggle in their families, in foster care and living on the streets. As each teen is impacted
by the adults in their lives who are supposed to protect them and
keep them safe, they enter foster care, most moved to group homes.
Addie works to earn the credits she needs to graduate while living
with her aunt since her mother died years earlier. Addie’s best friend
Marie enters a group home after her grandmother dies and Megan is
removed from her physically and sexual abusive family only to move
to an equally abusive residential treatment facility. Austin lives on the
street with his brother struggling to survive while Eva and her sister
enter foster care after their father’s drug addiction gets in the way of
his ability to care for the girls.
Voices of the Forgotten: Thirty
Years of the International Foster
Care Organization: IFCO
By Emily Jean McFadden and Myrna McNitt
IFCO, 2012, ISBN: 978-1479237524, 231 pgs.
The International Foster Care
Organization has been around for
30-plus years. To celebrate IFCO’s
long history and advocacy, Emily Jean
McFadden and Myrna McNitt edited a
collective history with stories from those
who have been involved. “Voices for the
Forgotten, Thirty Years of the International Foster Care Organization:
IFCO” gives us incredible insight into the needs of children around the
world, the fixes, the attempts, the suggestions, who did what and what
works — all on an international level.
column: must reads
KNOW HOW
From The Possibility Project
Directed by Juan Carlos
Pineiro Escoriaza
Produced by Paul Griffin
1 hour, 45 minutes
www.knowhowmovie.com
“Voices for the Forgotten” has quotes and words from children who
lived in orphanages or other out-of-home care placement. We learn that
children throughout the world want to be made whole. They want to
know who they are. This is an important concept to understand as the
U.S. child welfare organizations push permanency that often result in
adoptions. While we don’t know what this push to adoption will mean
in the years to come, past voices may provide some insight. IFCO spoke
of sex trafficking years before it became an issue in North America. The
voices talk about it in the book in concert with those voices that can be
heard through the pages of living on the street or in children homes.
“Voices for the Forgotten” is remarkable. What is also remarkable are
the pictures. Looking at these pictures is part of the continued journey
as one realizes that some of the heroes and sheroes are no longer with
us and that some of the youth are now adults continuing their advocacy in different arenas around the world all who are spawns of IFCO.
— Reviewed by Raynard Vincent Price
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BY JUNE BOND, BA, M.ED.
Grief
Part of the
A
week ago I sat in a room with 30
professionals in a class designed to
help us assist children in the grief
process. Half of the participations were
Hospice workers, tasked with the daunting
job of helping a child grieve through the loss
of a parent, grandparent or sibling through
death. The other half of the class were
adoption/foster care social workers, tasked
with the daunting job of helping children
deal with the trauma of abuse and neglect
that ultimately resulted in a figurative death
of the relationship between parent and
child. It was not long into the class when
questions and differences emerged between
the two groups of professionals — the main
difference centered on the ability to define
the loss through death as a permanent
loss, where the loss felt in foster care
and adoption was often an on-going and
recurring loss as the child moved through
the system and even after an adoptive
placement. As one caseworker aptly stated,
“the grief associated with recurring rejection
may be harder than the loss of a loved one
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through death.” With that being said, how
do we help children traverse the gauntlet of
grief?
The first step is to recognize the signs of
grief in a child. The normal response to
grief can be found in physical, emotional,
behavioral and cognitive responses. Physical
responses can include, dry mouth, lack
of energy, muscle weakness, shortness of
breath, tightness in the throat and chest
and over sensitivity to noise. Emotional
responses, which may be recognized
more easily, include sadness, anger,
loneliness, guilt, self-reproach, fatigue and
helplessness. These emotional responses
may be manifested in behaviors such
as changes in sleep and eating patterns,
nightmares, recurring dreams of death,
crying and social withdrawal. Changes in
the ways that a child may think during grief
can be seen in disbelief, confusion and
preoccupation. Magical thinking may be
prevalent in a younger child during grief.
The child may seek to blame anyone BUT
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Healing Process
their offending parent for the removal from
their home and the termination of rights.
The blame can be focused on a sibling, the
foster parent, the social worker or even the
judge. The younger child may also refuse
to accept and understand the finality of
the court decision to place a child in foster
care and to termination of rights the birth
parent’s rights, thus creating a death in the
relationship. It is also important for foster
parents to be aware that the child may also
experience grief that is not associated with
the termination of rights of their parents,
but with the inherit changes in the daily
life of a foster child. When an older child is
moved away from his or her current setting
to a new home, the child experiences the loss
of former caregivers and friends, familiar
objects, and familiar routines and habits,
thus causing some of the same responses of
grief. The adoptive or foster parent needs to
acknowledge how these often times abrupt
changes can trigger grief.
Another important key in recognizing
Is there any one underlying premise when
working and living with a child who
is suffering loss and grief? The MOST
important thing that we can do for a child
is to be honest and answer his or her
questions when asked. Children learn by
asking questions. We must be sensitive to the
child’s need to understand what has happed
that has changed the family dynamics. For
example, why am I not with my parents? If
termination is not completed by the court,
the foster parent may say, “It is the court’s job
to make sure that you are safe and you were
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Old One,” “Ten Good Things About Barney,”
“Nadia,” “The Willful” and “Tiger Eyes.”
• Be prepared to discuss some issues about
the placement plan over and over again
as the child matures and has a deeper
level of comprehension of the initial facts.
Remember that loss and grief issues can
be circular as the child’s development
progresses.
• Seek out other resources such as an
adoption support group for adoptees and
counseling for the adoptee and for the
entire family unit. Be aware of how the
child’s loss and grief issues may affect the
bonding between you and your child.
As parents, social workers and caregivers,
what are other ways that we can help
children resolve their feelings of loss and
grief regarding adoption?
• Acknowledge times that you have felt loss
and grief and how you dealt with it.
• Suggest for older children to keep a journal
to write about their feelings that they may
not want to share with anyone else.
• Keep open ended art supplies for the
younger child to express feelings. Use open
ended color books that can promote the
expression of feelings through art.
• Read books to your child about others
who have experienced loss and grief and
have lived through their losses. Use gentle
questioning about how their situations
may be alike or different. Some suggestions
include: “A Taste of Blackberries,” “Badger’s
Parting Gifts,” “Bridge to Terabithia,” “First
Snow,” “Missing May,” “Annie” and “The
ABOUT THE AUTHORS: June Bond, BA,
M.Ed., earned degrees in psychology and
early childhood education from Converse
College. She has published more than 40
articles that relate to adoption, education,
and family issues and speaks nationwide
on adoption-related issues. She was South
Carolina Adoption Advocate of the Year in
1995. In addition, she has worked with the
Presbyterian Church of the United States to
develop a portion of the nation-wide curriculum — Wee Believe. She is the 2006
Congressional Angel of Adoption recipient.
She serves as chairman of the Spartanburg
County Foster Care Review Board. Bond is
the executive director of Adoption Advocacy
of South Carolina, a not-for-profit agency
that works with families who want to enlarge
their families through adoption. She is the
proud mother of six children, ranging in age
from 21 to 34.
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BY JUNE BOND, BA, M.ED.
It is also important to note that as children
go through certain developmental stages,
the feelings of loss and grief may be more
prevalent. The children’s level of thinking
and reasoning go through progressive stages,
culminating in the ability to process complex
material. As a child’s ability to reason
progresses, higher order questions evolve
about the reasons behind their placement
and their birth family. This may cause the
child to “circle back” to some previous
issues of loss and grief that the foster/
adoptive parents thought had been resolved
years earlier. Consequently, the issues of
loss and grief can be linear, circular and
developmental. REMEMBER, there is not a
statute of limitation on grief.
not in a safe place and had to be moved to
a safe place to live.” If termination has been
accomplished, the child needs to understand
that being reunited with a parent is not a
possibility. This is a critical step in being
able to grieve and to get through the loss.
An initial part of adoption preparation must
focus on the finality of the termination of
parental rights. This needs to be reinforced
by the foster family and social worker.
This will have to be done knowing the
level of the child’s comprehension and the
circumstances surrounding the adoption
plan. It is also important to help the child
understand that the adoption plan was not
the result of any fault or issue that the child
had. This is important when the adoption
plan was made due to abuse of the child.
Without a firm understanding about the
finality of the termination of rights, children
can emerge into the world of magical
thinking, which can include the ability to
go back to their family of origin — or the
blaming of siblings or someone else for their
removal, rather than understanding the loss
and the right to move forward with another
family.
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grief is to look for visual ques over verbal
cues. Children are not always able to talk
about their feelings, thus using their
actions to speak louder than their words.
Younger children may exhibit physical
symptoms and/or regression which are
also a common reaction to loss and grief.
Children may revert to thumb sucking,
rocking, tantruming or enuresis. A loss of
concentration and mood swings may also
occur in older children. In addition, some
children fluctuate between withdrawal and
aggression. Others may exhibit guilt about
getting a new family, resembling survivor
guilt. This is most common when a sibling
group is separated and some of the children
are not adopted.
Loss and grief is a normal part of life. Each
of us will suffer loss and grief at some time
in our life. The ability to deal with the loss
and grief with a supportive, caring family
can help a child move forward to know
that losses and grief can be replaced with a
loving forever family on whom he or she can
depend! Remember that positive grief leads
to healthy relationships and moving beyond
the past hurts. ❁
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BY CHERYL TRZASKO
Ripped
My
stomach cramps. I feel
hungry, but know I’ll throw
up if I eat much. I manage
only a few bites. I make sure the kids have
finished eating and go through the motions
of cleaning up. Thankfully, the motions are
so ingrained, I can manage. My husband
asks a question but I’m having trouble
making sense of it; my mind just isn’t here
now. Tears stream down my face once again.
I wipe my face and blow my nose, but the
floodgates open wide.
I’ve suffered loss before. As a foster parent,
I’ve said goodbye to 20 other children. I’ve
helped those children leave, held it together
for my own children and husband, and
managed to work on helping all of us cope.
So why is this time so much harder? Why
does it hit me so much more intensely? She
hasn’t even left the house yet, so why is this
time so much worse?
She’s been with us longer than any other
foster child. Before she came into our lives,
we’d had foster children in our house for as
long as 11 months, but she’s been with us
almost 20 months. That’s one answer, but
that isn’t really it.
She came to us directly from the hospital
where she’d been born. We’re the only
family she’s ever known. All of our other
foster children started this life in another
home, but she’s been here from the start.
I held her when she couldn’t support her
own head. We cheered when she learned
to roll over. We taught her to walk and run,
to love books and dolls, and to make the
motions to “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” and “Two
Little Blackbirds.” I’ve nursed her through
multiple illnesses. When she no longer slept
at night when visits resumed, I rocked her.
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We’d hoped to adopt her. No, that isn’t quite
right. We’ve hoped to adopt other foster
children, too, but we knew it wasn’t likely
and so those feelings were kept in check.
With this little girl, adoption looked possible
and probable. The entire team agreed that
adoption was the goal after many months
of no progress. Staff stated they would
no longer recommend reunification even
if goals were somehow met before the
impending trial. Her lawyer talked to us as
her clients, telling us of the next legal steps,
of the long-term plan, of how she’d never
seen this judge send a child in this situation
to someone else than the long-term
caregiver. One social worker’s supervisor
assured us it was a matter of “when” not “if ”
we were to adopt her.
I know. We shouldn’t have taken such things
to heart. We should have been wary. Social
workers and others seem to say such things
easily. Perhaps they hope that if they give
foster parents a sense of certainty, the foster
parents won’t bolt when the problems arise.
Whatever their reasons, they shouldn’t have
misled us, lied to us. We would have stuck
with her anyway. We would have loved her
anyway. But we wouldn’t have let her sink
into that small place in our hearts that said
“forever.” Yet, believe it or not, that’s not the
biggest part of the answer.
Instead, it was the way they began
ripping her from us. It was the lack of
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communication about changed goals. It
was the mistaken understanding of privacy
that allowed us to hear all about the lack
of progress, but not about positive changes
dramatic enough to cause changed goals of
the case despite previous pronouncements.
It was telling me I’d missed nothing when
I left court to change a diaper, even though
vital course-changing information was
apparently shared during those few minutes.
It was the failure to reply to requests for
information about the scheduled trial for
termination of parental rights, failure to tell
us that the trial was cancelled. It was giving
us no clues about major changes in the case
other than the silent treatment. Even our
social worker, who’s supposed to help our
family, was unable to get answers from those
who held the information. A code of silence
prevailed.
It was the phone call from the Guardian
Ad Litem inviting me to a meeting to meet
a parent, with less than 24 hours’ notice.
This was confusing as we’d met before,
more than once. We’d communicated via
email regularly months ago, before the
crazy replies, and we’d met at staffings
and hearings. So why did we need to be
introduced now? I scrambled to find out
what was going on. My social worker and
her supervisor were clueless, too. A day later,
after many calls and emails, I’m told it’s to
discuss transitioning to reunification.
What? You thought the parents’ rights were
being terminated? No one told you the
trial was cancelled? No one told you we’ve
changed goals? No one told you that your
world is about to be turned upside as you
lose the little girl you’d been led to believe
would be yours permanently? The case
manager hasn’t contacted you yet about any
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of this? Well, can you come to this meeting
in a few hours? Will you face the parent
who’s been so irrational and hostile to you,
blaming you for petty things, rather than
fixing his problems? You need time to get a
babysitter? Can’t your children just sit in the
hallway unchaperoned? This meeting will
be just a few minutes. Well, actually, given
that the last meeting was the longest of its
type, I guess I can’t guarantee the length of
this meeting. What? You need time to digest
this information? You, the foster parent, need
time for your own transition before being
able to help the child transition? No one told
you unsupervised visits are to begin right
away and she’ll likely be gone forever in
maybe three weeks?
BY CHERYL TRZASKO
For months, I’ve been unable to go to the
bathroom without her peeking under the
door and knocking and pleading to be let in.
While we’ve had similar experiences with
other foster children, she’s gone through all
these and more with us. But that isn’t really
the answer, either.
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from our Hearts
We’ve had children leave us suddenly before.
We’ve gotten calls telling us to pack a child’s
things as the child will leave in an hour.
We’ve even had a social worker knock at
the door and ask why the child’s things
weren’t packed though no one had informed
us about a move. But those sudden moves
were generally with children who’d been
with us just a few weeks, with children we
knew were temporarily ours. So is it any
surprise that my heart aches so much more
this time? That it hits me physically? That
my whole family grieves as though death
knocks at our door? ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Cheryl Trzasko
author of “Around the World in a Cement
Boat” — an adventure story about her
childhood travels through a cyclone, to a
deserted island, and more in a yacht built
by her dad is available through most online
book sellers in softcover and eBook versions.
For more information, visit http://www.
AroundtheWorldinaCementBoat.weebly.com.
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BY ARACELI SALCEDO, LPC
Why Childhood
Traumatic Grief?
C
hildhood traumatic grief may occur
following a death of someone important to the child when the child
perceived the experience as traumatic. The
death may have been sudden and unexpected
possibly through violence or an accident, or
anticipated resulting from illness or other
natural causes.
The distinguishing feature of childhood
traumatic grief is that the trauma symptoms
interfere with the child’s ability to go through
the typical process of bereavement. The child
experiences a combination of trauma and
grief symptoms so severe that any thoughts
or reminders, even happy ones about the
person who died can lead to frightening
thoughts, images and/or memories of how
the person died.
After a death that is shocking, sudden or
terrifying “traumatic,” many children adjust
well. However, some children can develop
Childhood Traumatic Grief. Children can
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also develop childhood traumatic grief even
after a death that did not seem traumatic or
frightening to you, but in their perspective
it created terror or extreme fear. This can
happen for different reasons. For example,
a child may be confused about why or how
the person died. A child may be surprised
by a death or disturbed by seeing a person
suffer or physically decline. It is important to
understand that a child does not have to have
been present or witnessed what happened to
develop childhood traumatic grief (school
shootings, violence across border).
Whether a child was told what happened, saw
what happened, saw through news media
resources, or only imagines what happened,
scary and disturbing thoughts and images
of how a person looked or died may keep
coming up in the child’s mind. It is difficult
to cope with the last image of the person who
passed away and to focus on the good memories or images if the child perceives the loss
as traumatic.
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CHILDHOOD TRAUMATIC
GRIEF AND FOSTER CARE LOSS
A child who comes into foster care may also
experience the same symptoms of childhood traumatic grief when they are suddenly
removed from their biological home. You may
think that the most traumatic experience is
the trauma caused by the biological parents
or biological home environment. But not necessarily, let me tell you about “Natalie.”
Natalie was 4 years old when I first met her
in the waiting area outside the judge’s office.
Natalie presented fearful affect and her facial
expression was of deep sadness. Her foster
mom introduced me to her and she did not
smile. She was a beautiful little girl experiencing great sadness. As we waited, the judge
stepped out of her office to get some documents from her secretary and when Natalie
saw her she cried out immediately, “please
let me go back with my daddy (“papito”) he
is not a bad person, he loves me!” The judge
acknowledged Natalie and informed the fam-
effect in some children, others are more
highly affected through the loss of a mother
to domestic violence or the removal from the
home due to parents’ continuous toxic relationship issues.
This can be the case of many children in
foster care. Many children may experience
trauma while living in a home where there is
domestic violence among parents and though
these traumatic experiences have a serious
CHILDHOOD TRAUMATIC
GRIEF SYMPTOMS
These children experience a combination of
trauma and grief symptoms. These symptoms include:
• Intrusive memories — traumatic images of
what happened.
• feeling responsible for the death — that
they did not do anything to prevent the
death.
• avoidance and numbing — isolation, not
wanting to care in order to not hurt again.
• physical reactions.
• emotional reactions — fear, sadness.
• loss reminders — anniversary dates.
• trauma reminders — smell, touch, place,
taste.
In order to promote placement stability it is
important to train the foster care system in
understanding childhood traumatic grief,
how it affects children who come into care
and most important to learn effective ways to
help children experiencing the loss of a loved
one and the loss of the family.
The exposed behaviors may seem childish or
Keep in mind that support from the caregivers is the main component in helping the
child to cope with the loss. Being patient
with the process of grief and understanding
the behaviors exposed due to grief as well as
being aware of multiple ways to be supportive
of the child will help the child to cope with
the loss. ❁
BY ARACELI SALCEDO, LPC
Natalie is a middle child of three young
children cared for by the father while the
mother worked. Natalie’s newborn baby sister
was hospitalized for shaken baby syndrome
while in the care of their father. Investigations
proved the abuse and all the children were
removed from the home and placed into
foster care. The incident between Natalie’s
baby sister and her father had nothing to do
with Natalie or her older brother. Natalie had
experienced a loving and caring father relationship and when removed from the home
this loss affected Natalie, who was showing
symptoms of childhood traumatic grief. She
lost her home, father, family and pretty much
who she knew as herself. Symptoms observed
in Natalie were isolation, obvious affect of
sadness, tearful at the thought of not being
reunited with family, quiet tears when attending courts, seeking father figure in the foster
home.
be confused with misbehavior. Many times
adults involved in the child’s life may perceive
the symptoms and behaviors as manipulation
and inadequate. It is important to consider
the child’s history and the experiences the
child perceives as traumatic exactly as the
child perceives and not according to how
adults perceive these events. It may be the
loss of a pet, watching the news talking about
school shootings, the loss of a parent, the loss
of family or the loss of someone that the child
had a close relationship with.
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ily she would be right with them. Natalie did
not cry like children do, loudly screaming, all
I saw were tears coming out of her eyes, the
saddest tears I have ever seen.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Araceli Salcedo is a
trainer with Cenpatico. She earned a master’s
degree in counseling and is licensed as a
Licensed Professional Counselor. In addition
to her experiences at Cenpatico as a trainer,
she worked for nine years with El Paso Police
Department Crimes against Children division
and for six years working in clinical setting,
providing counseling.
[ kids in waiting ]
Josephina, 13, is a lively and outgoing teen. Josephine is a chatterbox and loves to talk. Described
as a creative girl, she thrives on singing, dancing, creating arts and crafts and enjoys relaxing with
a good book. When it comes to food, Josephine loves to try just about anything. In the sixth grade,
Josephine is looking forward to high school and attending college. She currently benefits from an
Individualized Education Plan and counseling, which may need to continue after placement.
Her caseworker prefers a single-female household; however, all family types will be considered.
Financial assistance may be available for adoption-related services. For New Mexico children,
both homestudied and non-homestudied New Mexico families are encouraged to inquire; only
homestudied families from other states should do so. For more information, contact The Adoption
Exchange at (800) 451-5246. Child ID #10608
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B Y C A RY L H A RV E Y
When Grief
Comes to Children
I
am not a child psychologist.
Phew! I’m glad I got that off
my chest, because I want
you to understand my observations about grief in children
come not from a book or from
earning a degree, but from years
of raising my own children followed by years of raising other
people’s kids. I started noticing
how differently children grieve
when my son was murdered. My
13-year-old daughter seemed to
have the capacity to grieve and
still enjoy her surroundings. If I
hadn’t seen her at her saddest, I
might have believed she did not
grieve at all.
But she did. She grieved deeply,
and the trauma manifested itself
in life-long fears and dislikes.
Children just don’t grieve the
way adults do.
Little children catch on quickly
to sadness and stress in the air.
They may react by being louder
and fussier or wilder than usual
because they don’t have the
words to express how they feel.
Because they don’t have the
emotional resources to deal with
deep, persistent grief, they deal
with it a little at a time. It’s as if
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they have a “disconnect” button
that allows them to walk away
from the pathos, and play, and
then later rejoin the grief around
them. That’s a good thing. As
children get older, their capacity
to do grief work increases. They
can spend more time pondering
their feelings and pulling out
positives to hang onto in the loss.
Knowing this will help adults
allow children to grieve. During
a prolonged illness of a loved
one or a funeral, it is essential
to have somewhere children can
play and release energy. We tend
to forget, at a hospital room or
a church service, that kids need
that distance to protect them. We
give them “quiet toys” and expect
them to respect the gravity of
the situation. But hushing them,
relegating them to a chair in a
corner with a book, is not helpful
to the child. And having a place
where they can go to disconnect
serves the adults well also.
If the adults in the family want
to stay near the sick loved one,
maybe a babysitter could be
hired. Teen family members
should not be counted on for
child care unless they want to
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do it. They need that space as
well. So hiring a babysitter who
will stay at the church nursery
or at someone’s home, with the
smaller children makes sense.
Then, perhaps for 30 minutes
at a time, the little ones can be
brought into the family circle to
deal with some of the grief.
Older children and teens might
bring DVD players to the hospital and spend time in the
waiting rooms, or they might go
somewhere else altogether. They
have the language skills to tell us
what they want. They need to be
included in the family gathering
and planning, but we should
remember that they are not yet
adults and cannot process feelings the way adults do. So giving
them space, but asking them
to come back once in a while
makes sense.
Allowing a child to stay in the
sickroom for hours on end, or
relying on them to help in the
care of the sick person, is not a
good idea. That isn’t to say they
can’t fluff a pillow or read to the
person, but leaving the child to
care for someone who is gravely
ill, or expecting them to keep a
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vigil with the adult members of
the family does not allow them
to get that essential disconnect.
There will be time later to work
out feelings, and relationship
questions that always accompany loss. We cannot, and should
not, shield children from the
reality of death, but we have to
let them process things at their
own pace. Society’s view that,
after a week or two of mourning
a loved one, we adults should
be able to get on with life is as
unrealistic as expecting a child
to shoulder the burden of constant grief.
Life drops things onto us out
of the blue so when we can
plan for the way, we as a family
will approach illness or death,
we should take advantage of
the opportunity. If someone
is gravely ill, and the possibility exists for their death, begin
thinking about how the children
will spend the mourning time.
If a prolonged hospital stay is in
the offing for a serious condition, find someone who will
agree to help you care for your
children while you keep the hospital vigil.
For a while, it is probably important to “Velcro” the child to your
side. That is, allow him or her to
play, and to interact with other
children if he or she wants to, but
stick him or her to your side if
you notice he or she is frantic or
angry in his or her play, or whiny.
Feeling secure with you, he may
ask seemingly random questions
about death or even afterlife. But
kids who haven’t seen the loved
one aside from a weekly visit
may not grasp the reality of the
death until later. The funeral can
be an ordeal.
It is probably not wise to immediately take the foster children,
especially younger ones, to a
family gathering where adults
sitting, steeped in grief, are planning the funeral. If there is any
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And, if the deceased was close to
the child, it is important for foster parents to attend the funeral.
That way, you can hand him or
her over to the care of the family
for the service, and perhaps a fellowship time afterward, and then
take him or her back into your
safe, non-grieving, hands. That
is, hand-to-hand security.
A last note: we do not have to
deliver a eulogy, nor do we have
to philosophize about death. A
simple, truthful statement in
answer to questions is all kids
require. If we sermonize, we may
be in conflict with the child’s
family values. Stick to comforting, listening and non-judgmental nods and hugs. We foster
parents are good at that. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Caryl
Harvey, a foster parent since
2000, has four biological and
three adopted children. She is a
speaker and writer who lives in
Holyoke, Colorado, with her husband and 16 year old son. Caryl
enjoys supporting and writing
for older foster parents whom
she calls “Beyonders.”
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[ kids in waiting ]
Novalee, 6,
has no problem creating
fun. Making
forts with her
siblings and
playing with
dolls keeps
this girl entertained. Novalee
relishes being
entrusted with
responsibilities
around the
house. A lighthearted gal,
she is delighted to share
jokes with others and is interested in learning to play soccer.
In the first grade, Novalee is a sweet child who interacts well
with her siblings and peers alike.
BY C A R Y L H A R V E Y
Then, if a death occurs, another
set of problems sets in. First, if
the child is in foster care in your
home, you must decide, with the
caseworker and the biological
family, how and when to tell the
child. Ideally, the family will let
the child know about the death,
but sometimes when the other
parent is not involved, or is also
dead, the task of telling a child
may fall to you, his or her foster
parent. Older children will tell
you, after receiving the news, if
they need some alone time to
process the death. Younger kids
will need your help.
instability in the family it will
certainly surface at this stressful
time and increase the trauma for
the child. But, a telephone visit
or face-to-face talk with another
family member beforehand can
keep the reality of the funeral
from overwhelming the child.
Talking, remembering, even
crying together with the family
member helps to process the
absence of the deceased person
before the child is submerged in
adult grief at the service.
feature
Remember, they will eventually
need to process the grief. Be
available for smaller children,
taking your cues from their play
or artwork. Teens and adolescents may temporarily need a
grief group or counselor.
Alante, 5, may be a bit shy at first, but he will have you laughing in no time. Described as a sweet and quiet fella, Alante is
all smiles. Playing football in the grass with neighborhood
friends and shooting hoops in his bedroom make for a fun
afternoon. This kindergartner enjoys playing with others and
has a soft spot for making little ones laugh. We may have a
comedian in the making.
Karma, 3, is a sweet tyke who is learning new things every
day. Mimicking her siblings delights this toddler. Maybe this
sweetheart will be a jokester too.
These kiddos have a strong relationship with a former foster
mother and hope to maintain contact. The caseworker prefers
a two-parent or single-mother home; however, all family
types will be considered. We only accept inquires on the
entire sibling group, who will be placed together. Financial
assistance may be available for adoption-related services. For
Nevada children, both homestudied and non-homestudied
families from all states are encouraged to inquire. For more
information, contact The Adoption Exchange at (800) 4515246. Child ID: 10617, 10618, 10619
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BY RAMONA RACHAL
What happens when
you lose due to a mix up?
My
husband and I decided to
foster to adopt. We took the
seven-week MAPP class and
were so excited to start this journey. We felt
like we were on top of the world. Our dream of
having a child was finally going to come true.
I started planning the nursery immediately
because we knew we wanted an infant and I
was too excited to wait. I was like a pregnant
mother getting ready for the baby to be born.
We were finally certified Sept. 28, 2011 after
what seemed like years. We got a call about
two girls that afternoon but we only had a
baby bed and these girls were 5 and 8 so
we had to pass. On Sept. 30, 2011 at 4 p.m. I
was getting ready to go to the football game
when the call came. It was for a 2-week-old,
temporary placement that we were asked
if we would be interested in. Of course we
would, we were told that this infant was supposed to be a private adoption but something
was wrong so they only needed us until the
72-hour hearing. We would have this little one
over the weekend. No problem I thought.
Seventy-two hours later we were in court and
waited for what seemed like hours and days
but at 5:30 we were told we could go home
with the little one — she was going to remain
in custody.
I thought this was a good thing. After several
more court hearings the little one always
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came home with us and I, so the more times
she came home, the more excited I got. At
the team conference we were told there was
another resource family interested in this
child. OK I can handle this, it’s no biggie; it’s
just another family that they will not give any
information about. WRONG….it was a biggie;
I just didn’t know how big because at every
monthly visit, at every court appearance, at
every team conference I would ask about the
resource only to be told they knew nothing.
Being naïve, I thought no news is good news.
The bomb fell Nov. 21, 2012; 14 months later
we were told that the resource would now
start seeing the child. We were told that she
would have several one-hour visits, several
day visits, several overnight visits. Oh how
this hit like a ton of bricks. Our little one was
now going away. How were we to prepare?
They never mentioned in MAPP that sometimes your heart gets broke, they did not say
sometimes things aren’t fair, they did not say
you’re just a stepping stone. We had raised this
little one from two weeks on and now we were
losing her. This little one who had no visits in
14 months, no nothing was now to be placed
with another family.
Dec. 27, 2012 9:09 a.m. we are standing outside listening to her scream, “no, no, no” and
there is nothing we can do. She is leaving us
for her new family and this time she is not
coming home.
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We will not get to hold her, sing to her, read to
her, or see her beautiful face anymore. We are
now just a couple who lost a child; we are no
one to the Department of Family and Children
Services. No calls, no “how are ya’ll doing,” no
nothing, just done, finished. We were told by
the judge that the state has all the rights.
This little one should have never been in our
care. This other family should have gotten her
from the start, but due to the state dropping
the ball, this little one for 15 months was with
the wrong family and there wasn’t a darn
thing that could be done.
Everyone knew that the state had dropped
the ball, but they were not going to admit it.
The only thing we got was, we are sorry. We
don’t know what else to say. The state should
have been made to accept the mix up and we
should not have gone through this heartache.
It has been several months and we are now
told that we cannot text the family anymore.
We are like the invisible foster parents that
never were. We have pictures, memories and
toys, but we do not have our little one. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Ramona Rachal and
her husband are fost-adopt parents. Both
work in the medical field. Rachal has a son
from a previous marriage who is 23 and
attends college while working full time. The
Rachals have been blessed to find children
who need a loving home.
BY
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LISA HOPKINS
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BY RICHARD KLARBERG
The Value of Accreditation for
T
homas Paine said
said, “These are the
times that try men’s souls.” Today, it
might be more appropriate to say,
“these are the times that try children’s souls”
because there has never been a greater need
for those of us in the human services field to
collectively and unequivocally stand up for
children in foster care. As an accrediting body
of social service organizations, the Council
on Accreditation’s mission is to support foster
parents and child welfare professionals to
strengthen the lifeline you provide to thousands of children each year. Your commitment
to make a difference in a foster child’s life is of
national importance; one that COA will assist
you in achieving.
Founded in 1977 by the Child Welfare League
of America and Family Service America (now
the Alliance for Children and Families), COA
is a non-profit, accreditor of the full continuum of child welfare, behavioral healthcare
and community-based social services. We
accredit or are in the process of accrediting
more than 2,200 organizations and programs
serving more than 7 million individuals and
families.
Strengthening services for children and youth
in foster care has long been one of COA’s primary goals. Our standards require agencies to
have a framework that appropriately supports
foster parents so foster parents are provided
with all the necessary resources to address the
vulnerable status and differing developmental
needs of children who come into care.
People often have difficulty understanding
the concept of accreditation. The technical
definition is that accreditation is a method
for demonstrating accountability through the
implementation of best practice standards.
It functions in concert with governmental
regulatory oversight and the credentialing of
professional staff to provide a comprehensive
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system of accountability to the social service
and behavioral healthcare service-delivery
systems. COA accreditation however, is more
than just a stamp of approval. It is a strategy
that allows organizations to evaluate and analyze their current practices — both in terms
of its governance and management and the
quality of the services it delivers. In essence, it
acts as a road map for establishing best practices throughout an organization and identifies where there are opportunities to become
stronger.
Essentially, an organization that seeks to be
accredited is saying to its board, staff, funders
and — most importantly the people it serves
— that it is committed to delivering the highest quality of services. This is demonstrated
in its willingness to pursue a thorough selfexamination process and have that self-examination reviewed by independent, specially
trained experts. In so doing, it is working to
build public trust through the knowledge that
its administration, management and services
warrant the confidence and support of its
stakeholders. This is an exceptional achievement for organizations, one that yields a
powerful sense of pride and is celebrated and
trumpeted by displaying the COA logo on its
website, letterhead, social media and informational materials.
Accreditation also ensures that an organization’s staff is appropriately trained and
prepared to meet all of the needs of the children in the care of a foster parent. It ensures
involvement in the decision-making process
for all aspects of service delivery; requires that
services are provided in a safe and respectful
environment; supports positive outcomes; and
protects privacy. COA’s accreditation process
involves a detailed review and analysis of an
organization’s administrative functions and
service delivery practices. These standards
emphasize services that are appropriate,
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coordinated, culturally responsive,
coordinated
responsive evidenceevidence
based, and that are provided by a skilled
and supported workforce. To achieve COA
accreditation, an agency first provides written
evidence of its compliance with COA standards. Thereafter, a group of specially trained
volunteer Peer Reviewers confirm adherence
to these standards during a series of on-site
interviews with trustees, staff and clients.
Based on these findings, COA’s volunteerbased Accreditation Commission votes on
whether an agency has successfully met the
criteria for accreditation. Understanding that
each organization is unique in its mission,
resources, culture and the community it
serves, the process is customized to reflect the
capacity of each organization and establishes
realistic timetables, identifies areas for technical assistance and appropriate staffing of the
Site Visit team.
With strong connections in the service delivery and academic field and with the support
of more than 1,000 volunteers, COA standards
and process remain relevant and reflective
of emerging trends and practices. As foster
care faces new and increasing demands, COA
helps agencies respond by arming them with
best practice standards that are developed in
partnership with foster care professionals and
subject matter experts. The relationship with
the Council on Social Work Education, a COA
supporting organization, has provided wider
access to information about best professional
practices regarding agency and network
infrastructure as well as service delivery, thus
strengthening the contextual nature of standards development to enhance quality service
delivery in light of an ever changing world.
Examples of this include:
• Working with the Black Administrators in
Child Welfare to partner on a project that
focuses on disproportionality in foster care.
This will help accredited organizations build
capacity to deal with disproportionality and
BY RICHARD KLARBERG
ultimately eliminate disproportionality
disproportionality.
• Collaborating with a panel of nationwide
experts to integrate critical information to
address important practices for organizations in relation to prevention, identification and response to the growing problem
of Human Trafficking/Commercial Sexual
Exploitation of Children.
• Fostering a close relationship with Foster
Family-Based Treatment Association, one of
13 COA sponsoring organizations, to ensure
that the standards reflect best practices in
treatment foster care.
In October, COA published the new Family
Foster Care and Kinship Care standards
which advance effective practices for staff
development and collaborating with children,
families, kinship caregivers and foster families within family foster care programs. The
standards integrate a focus on promoting
participation and collaboration amongst these
groups, providing family-driven and youthguided services, and ensuring foster parents
(both relatives and unrelated foster parents)
receive the preparation and ongoing support
to manage their challenging and crucial role.
As research shows, a crucial factor in foster
parent satisfaction and retention is the quality
of support and assistance provided. Managing
the challenging role of a foster parent requires
nothing less. Accordingly, the Family Foster
Care and Kinship Care standards establish
core practices and supports that agencies
should implement in order to best collaborate with you on your fostering journey.
Throughout the Family Foster Care and
Kinship Care standards there is an emphasis
on foster parent involvement and input in
important aspects of service delivery, including the family assessment and service planning, as well as visitation and permanency
planning. For foster parents to not only care
for children, but to participate in these aspects
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as well, organizations must offer effective,
ongoing and accessible communication, training and support.
The Family Foster Care and Kinship Care
standards at www.COAnet.org include three
core concepts that directly address the recruitment and retention needs of foster families.
These include Resource Family Recruitment
and Assessment, Resource Family Training
and Preparation, and Resource Family
Development, Support, and Retention. Under
each of these three core concept areas detailed
practice standards identify the specific
practices and tangible supports organizations should implement. Recruitment and
Assessment standards emphasize the need
for a responsive and accessible recruitment
process, and conducting assessment (homestudy) mutually with prospective foster
parents. Training and preparation standards
require comprehensive, competency-based
training and the dissemination and review
of clear information on foster parent’s rights
and responsibilities. Development, support
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Foster Parents
and retention standards identify the types of
supports that organizations should ensure are
available for foster families, including peer
support and recreational opportunities, services to improve family functioning, worker
contact and assistance, and informal supports.
COA recognizes and celebrates the critical role
of foster parents in achieving child protection,
well-being and permanency. We are proud
that COA accreditation ensures that organizations working with foster parents function
efficiently, soundly and are best positioned
to support them in this mission, and we are
humbled by your dedication to fostering children and enhancing their lives.
To learn more about COA Accreditation,
including accredited organizations in your
area, visit www.COAnet.org. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Richard Klarberg
is the president and CEO of the Council on
Accreditation.
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Keeping Connected to Birth Family
R
BY LISA HOPKINS
column: voices from foster care
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Voices of Experience
osa’s three young children were
placed in foster care because she was
an alcoholic and had been involved
in a violent relationship. After a long battle
with sobriety, intensive individual counseling
and parenting classes, she felt she was ready
to care for her children again. Yet, sitting in
a meeting with her treatment team she was
feeling ignored and her sense of hopelessness was rising as her accomplishments were
discounted or overlooked. In an attempt to
be heard, she raised her voice and lashed out
at her case manager and other members of
the team. Unfortunately, this just reinforced
the belief that the team held that Rosa was
not ready to begin reunification with her
children. Rosa left this meeting with mixed
feelings. On one hand she felt that her anger
was justified because of the way that she was
treated. But, on the other hand, she knew that
she needed to do a better job of controlling
her anger and frustration when things don’t
go her way.
Parents who have had their children removed
from their care and custody often have a
long journey ahead of them in order to
demonstrate that they can safely parent their
children. Their list of treatment goals can
include individual and family therapy, drug
and alcohol treatment, parenting skills training, and finding and maintaining employment/housing; just to name a few. While
they are working on these skills they have to
maintain contact with their children through
supervised or unsupervised contact. Behind
all of these services are providers who are
continually evaluating their performance
and ability to parent. On top of this, they may
feel as if they are losing their children to the
placement providers. Time is a factor because
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the law is clear about the amount of time
a parent has to demonstrate that they have
made enough progress to continue working on reunification. If they are not making
significant progress, the court may move to
find another permanent placement for their
children.
While it is important to ensure that parents
have the skills they need to safely care for
their children, it will be important for everyone involved to ensure that we don’t create
barriers.
It is well known that when a child comes into
foster care the goal is to provide services to
the parents in order to get the child home
safely. And while the training for foster/
adoptive parents or child welfare professionals provides guidelines for working with
birth parents, here are a few that you should
consider as you work toward helping children
stay connected to their birth parents.
Foster parents need to maintain the belief
that all children placed in their home will
have the opportunity to return home. This
is true even if they are told that it is unlikely
that the child will go home. If your goal is
to adopt the children, it is not guaranteed to
occur until the court terminates the parent’s
rights and they are free for adoption. It is difficult to remain objective when working with
a birth parent if you think that a child will
not return home or that you will adopt them.
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If the court has not limited contact with a
child, birth parents should be included in
all doctors’ visits, sporting events, birthday
parties or other special occasions. It also
provides opportunities to demonstrate new
parenting skills and provide information to
the court about the parent’s progress.
These activities are wonderful opportunities for foster parents to model parenting
skills to the birth parent. It is a good idea to
provide opportunities for the child to talk to
his or her parent on a daily basis.
Birth parents should be contacted and
included in any decisions that involve the
well-being of their child. This includes placing them on or taking them off of medication, individual education plans and health
assessments. This allows parent to feel as if
they have some control over what happens
to their child. Allowing parents to be active
in their child’s life helps to maintain a bond
and increases the likelihood of a successful
reunification.
Children should be allowed to hang pictures
up of their parents or to keep a scrapbook
of pictures in their room. While the first
impression is that it may make the child sad
to have these pictures available, it can be
more detrimental if they are not able to have
pictures of their family. It is also recommended that the pictures remain in the
child’s room to help maintain confidentiality
of the parents.
Foster parents are in the best position to
help model or reinforce new parenting skills.
It would be helpful for the foster parents to
be familiar with the skills that the parent
FLUX: Life after Foster Care
If your county or state has a foster parent
association, it would be helpful to attend
meetings to gain additional insight, trainings and to support one another. Sharing
success stories; especially around reunification efforts and parent engagement would
go a long way in demystifying the fear of
working with birth parents. While there are
some cases where safety is an issue, there are
still plenty of opportunities to find ways of
positively engaging birth parents.
FLUX brings honest, useful and juicy real-life expertise that can
only come from those of us who have experienced the system
first hand. We explore biological family relationships, building
support systems, parenting and intimacy topics. We talk about
our struggles and our successes.
To order FLUX, visit www.fostercarealumni.org.
thereby increasing the likelihood that the
teen is better prepared.
Working with birth parents is a vital part
of being a foster parent. And while it can be
challenging at times, it is the right thing to
do for the well-being of the children we care
for. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Lisa Hopkins is a
stay-at-home mom and foster mom. In her
spare time, she assists the county with transporting and supervising visits of children in
foster care. Hopkins also facilitates a foster
parent group that meets once a month to
discuss topics related to being a foster parent
and support each other through the foster
care process. Hopkins earned a bachelor’s
degree in human services/management from
the University of Phoenix in 2010. Hopkins
lives in Mankato, Minn., with my husband,
Brian, and four children — Ashlie, Jayden,
Jacob and Jordan.
[ kids in waiting ]
Zachary, 13, also known as Zach, is an adorable kid who loves to smile. He has found a new interest in sports and has developed good ice skating skills. He is now learning to play soccer. When
he is not busy being active outdoors, he enjoys being creative with LEGOs and geometric blocks.
Zach also likes to help around the house and at school. Zach is now in seventh grade and is bright.
An avid reader, he likes to read chapter books and his favorite book is “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.”
In school, he benefits from an Individualized Education Plan, and counseling, which will need to
continue after placement. It is unknown whether he will need assistance as an adult, but he can
have a great life.
BY LISA HOPKINS
Research tells us that a majority of teens
who age out of foster care will seek their
birth parents upon release. Foster parents
are in the best position to help ensure
that a teen is emotionally prepared for
this reunion. They arrange therapy with a
counselor who can help the teen have a good
understanding of what to expect or what
he or she can do if expectations are not met
when finding his or her birth parents. They
may also be able to work with the teen on
anger, grief or loss issues that are present,
With powerful stories, artwork, guidance and support from
more than 100 alumni, FLUX was written to support young people in the emotional transition from foster care to adulthood.
column: voices from foster care
is being taught so they can use the same
techniques when modeling.
Zach needs a family who can provide him with a secure environment with a lot of attention and
love. His caseworker prefers that he find a two parent Christian family who wishes to care for Zach
as an only child or with an older sibling; however, all family types will be considered. He hopes to
remain in contact with his foster family. Financial assistance may be available for adoption-related
services. For Colorado children, both homestudied and non-homestudied Colorado families are
encouraged to inquire; only homestudied families from other states should do so. For more information, contact The Adoption Exchange at (800) 451-5246. Child ID #6369
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“Without a past,
there is no future; without
a future, there is no hope.”
— Richard Kagan, PhD, Rebuilding
Attachments with Traumatized Children
Tapest ies
of Tr th
H
ow many of us look in a mirror every morning and see our
mother’s eyes, our father’s hairline,
our grandmother’s dimples looking back
at us? How often do we hear those “things
our mother used to say” coming out of our
mouth, or realize that we have just laughed
exactly the way our father does? Do we know
where we got our quick temper, our tendency
to talk a little too much, our commitment to
sharing what we have with others? Whether
we value these characteristics or have spent
our life trying to change them, simply being
aware of these things means that we have
a sense of our personal history, of our life’s
narrative. That story is the basis for identity,
connection, our sense of self, and our sense
of future.
look like him? Will I walk out on a pregnant
woman, as he seemed to do? Is there anyone
in my family that I can be proud of, or would
it be better just to forget all about them? Then
there are the deeper questions, such as those
voiced by children who have graced my professional experience:
• “What happened to me when I got beat up
and people threw stuff at me?” — Chad, 8
• “Why did my parents treat me the way they
did?” — Chelsea, 15
• “Why did they throw me away?” — Dakota,
12
• “Why did my mom go off and leave me?” —
Lindsey, 11
• “In 10 whole years, nobody has been able to
take care of me!” — James, 10
For children who join our families through
foster care or adoption, the history we take
for granted is often not readily available —
nor is it simple. Not only does a child have to
wonder who he or she looks like, talks like,
walks like — but the past is much more complicated to consider. Yes, I have my mother’s
beautiful blonde hair — but will I end up on
drugs as she did? Who was my father? Do I
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Creating Patterns
of Wholeness for Children
and their Adoptive Families
Regardless of whether we choose to share
children’s true stories with them, they will
create one from their own patchwork of
memories and perceptions. The human brain
seeks to form patterns, attempting to create
meaning and order. Children will construct
their own stories, drawing their own conclusions about themselves, caregivers, relationships and their own future and potential. So
often, the children we love and care about
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are carrying the burden of an incomplete,
inaccurate, possibly toxic story that they
have constructed from their own frightening,
confusing and chaotic experiences. One of the
most powerful gifts we can give to them is
to help them to weave together the disparate
threads of their lives into a tapestry of truth.
We can give them the gift of helping them
put together a story that is true, healing and,
ultimately, hopeful.
UNDERSTANDING THE WHOLE CHILD
Too often, whether we are parents or professionals, we can’t help children with their
stories, because we really don’t know them
ourselves! The children we care for have
been buried beneath an avalanche of labels,
often imposed by the system — there are
diagnoses, lists of behavior problems, endless
placement changes for unclear reasons, court
findings, even lists of traumatic experiences.
As parents and professionals, it is our job to
begin to weave together the broken threads of
experience into a comprehensible pattern.
We know, in general, the impact of grief and
loss, trauma and lack of consistent attachment experiences early in life. What we don’t
know, without deeper exploration, is what
FROM THE OUTSIDE
Organizing the “external” information can
begin with the creation of a simple timeline,
chronicling the key events in a child’s life in
chronological order. The timeline documents
birth information; parents/caregivers for the
child, including all attachment figures; moves
and placement changes; losses; experiences
of trauma; opportunities to heal, including
formal treatment and loving relationships;
strengths and evidences of resilience.
Having thorough information in the following areas can begin to answer important
questions for parents and professionals:
• Prenatal and Birth Experiences: Was my
child exposed to drugs, alcohol, poor nutrition or chronic maternal stress in utero? Did
my child have a premature or difficult birth?
Karyn Purvis, of the TCU Institute of Child
Development, has documented the profound
impact that these issues can have on children’s basic neurochemistry, placing them
at greater risk for a range of developmental
and cognitive challenges, including sensory
processing issues, ADHD and difficulties with
organizing information and staying focused.
• Attachment: Did my child get quality,
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the child experience meaning? Mastery?
Confidence and competence? How can we
promote and support this child’s strength and
resiliency?
CONSTRUCTING A HEALING NARRATIVE,
FROM THE INSIDE OUT . . .
Information gathered from external sources
helps us as parents and professionals begin
to have a better understanding of our child’s
experiences. But in order to understand the
true impact and meaning of their experiences, we have to start with the child: We need to
ask, encourage and then listen!
BY JAN DICK, LCSW
A comprehensive understanding of the child’s
history serves multiple purposes. It serves as
an assessment tool, guiding the family and
professional to a greater understanding of
what the child needs from the family and,
possibly, from treatment. It can explain otherwise inexplicable responses the child has, and
go beneath the behavior problems, relationship issues, trauma reactions that a child may
exhibit prior to and after adoptive placement.
consistent care in the first three years of life?
Did he or she experience neglect or abuse by
a caregiver or significant other? Who WAS
there to provide a nurturing, caregiving
relationship? Early relationship disruptions
and chronic neglect can place a child at risk
for attachment issues that will impact later
relationships. On the positive side, it is also
important to recognize and honor any relationship that met the child’s emotional needs.
• Trauma: What do I know about my child’s
experiences of abuse and neglect, whether
direct or indirect (witnessed)? As difficult
as it is to hear the details, understanding the
circumstances, the frequency, the relationship between the child and the perpetrator, and what the child was told about the
abuse, before, during and after, can help us
understand how the trauma has impacted
the child’s behavior, relationships and sense
of self. What are my child’s specific trauma
reminders and triggers? Has my child
responded to trauma through “fight, flight
or freeze” responses? How does this express
itself in behavior?
• Safety: A thorough understanding of our
child’s trauma can help us have more insight
into what represents physical and emotional
safety for this child. How can this child be
helped to experience “felt safety” now, in my
family?
• Grief/Loss: Who does my child need to
grieve? Has he or she ever had the chance to
grieve? Does my child need a “blessing” from
past caregivers in order to move on? Do I, as
a parent, have the strength to help my child
grieve the loss of past parenting figures?
• Socio-Emotional Developmental Age:
Trauma “derails” healthy development. The
timeline can help us see clearly how experiences of separation or trauma may have
caused our child to get “stuck” at certain
ages and stages. Our challenge is to meet the
child’s needs “where they are” developmentally, in order to help them to “catch up.”
• Strengths and Positive Experiences: What
have been positive parenting experiences,
what has “worked,” what is helpful and supportive for the child? In what areas does
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these experiences mean to THIS child. We
may not know whether the child felt primarily angry, fearful or responsible for a parent
who was passed out on drugs most weekends. We may not realize that the child got
sweet, sensitive and appropriate parenting on
Tuesday and Wednesday, between the hangover and the next high, creating a strong and
loving — although confusing — connection.
In order to take this healing journey with our
children, we adults have to come to terms
with our own fears, avoidance and ambivalence about sharing our child’s story. It is easy
to want to protect children from the harsh
realities of their lives, to want to focus on
joy rather than grief. It can be challenging to
acknowledge the complex array of feelings
that children have of their experiences prior
to adoption, ranging from terror and despair
to longing and love. We may not want to think
about the details, endure a fresh round of grief
— in our child AND in ourselves! We may not
feel competent to help children navigate the
tricky terrain of claiming a positive sense of
identity, based in part on any evidence that
their parents loved them, while at the same
time facing the tough truths of how deeply
their parents hurt them, because of problems
their parents had that were beyond the scope
of the children’s responsibility or control.
By opening ourselves to hearing and sharing
our child’s story, however, we are communicating that we embrace the whole of who
they are — that nothing is too harsh, painful,
overwhelming and shameful for us to share.
Just as we would share every experience of a
child born to us, from labor pains to poopy
diapers, from nights sleepless with worry to
celebrating successes and joys, we have the
opportunity to share the whole of our adopted
child’s story, and give them the profound gift
of total acceptance.
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BY JAN DICK, LCSW
Working with children to create a coherent
story or narrative:
• Supports children’s capacity for attachment
by honoring the attachment figures that
have already become part of their lives.
• Helps children make sense of what happened to them, grieve their losses, share
their experiences.
• Literally integrates the verbal/non-verbal
parts of the brain by linking words with
feelings and emotional memory according
to Daniel J. Siegel in “Parenting from the
Inside Out.”
• Builds closeness, trust, a sense of safety and
deepening attachments with the child’s current caregiving parents.
There are many adoption professionals and
parents who have put together models of narrative, or lifebook work. In general, the commitment to “sharing the story” is grounded
in the belief that every child has the right to
address three critical questions:
Who Am I?
• I am a unique individual with interests, talents, preferences and something to give.
• I am worthy of being cared for, and have
been loved and valued by caregivers.
• My birth family, extended family, community, ethnic group gave me strengths and
sources of pride and hope.
Why was I Separated?
• The problems leading to separation from
my birth family were not my fault.
• I have a right to understand what happened,
to grieve, and to heal from past hurts.
• I deserve to feel safe.
What does my Future hold?
• I deserve to belong and be loved.
• I have permission to add another family to
my circle of love.
• I can expect to grow, thrive, be happy and
to succeed.
The process of working with a child to create
a lifebook or write his or her story can be
profound. While no two experiences are alike,
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Resources
• Rebuilding Attachments with
Traumatized Children, by
Richard Kagan, PhD.
• The Connected Child, by
Karyn Purvis, PhD, David R.
Cross, PhD, and Wendy Lyons
Sunshine
• Parenting from the Inside Out
by Daniel J. Siegel, MD, and
Mary Hartzell, M.Ed
• Treating Traumatic Stress in
Children and Adolescents,
by Margaret E. Blaustein and
Kristine M. Kinniburgh
• The 3-5-7 Model: A Practice
Approach to Permanency,
by Darla L. Henry, PhD, MSW
Darla Henry provide some key principles to
guide the process, in her 3-5-7 model:
• Engage the child in the process: this is
something we do WITH, not FOR the child
• Listen to the child’s words: let the child
recount experiences and memories, both
positive and painful. It is the adult’s job to
listen with empathy and without judgment
• When you speak, tell the truth: it is important to add factual information about the
child’s experience, and to answer questions
— in a sensitive, non-judgmental, developmentally appropriate way.
• Validate the child and the child’s life
story: children’s memories are their own,
and reflect their unique experiences. It is
not our job to take away or change their
feelings or opinions, just to reflect, honor
and empathize.
• Create a Safe Space for the Child: as he or
she does this work it can become a special
bonding ritual between parent and child.
• It is Never Too Late to Go Back in Time:
memories are forever, and questions wait
for answers.
• Pain is Part of the Process: sharing deeply
held grief is liberating and bonding.
In the eloquent words of Brene Brown, “If
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we can share our story with someone who
responds with empathy and understanding,
shame can’t survive.”
In sharing this gift with our child, we have
the opportunity to create new patterns of
wholeness, and begin the process of weaving
a new family tapestry of hope and healing.
The article was written with input from Ruth
Cohen, a supervisor in the Connecting Kids
Program, and Julian Sanborn, permanency
clinician in the program. ❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jan Dick, LCSW, is
director of Child and Family Permanency
Family and Children’s Services. In this role,
she oversees the Connecting Kids Permanency
Support and Counseling program, the
Wendy’s Wonderful Kids adoption recruitment program, the Davidson County Relative
Caregiver program, and the PATH resource
parent training program. Throughout her
career of more than 40 years, Dick has always
worked with children who have experienced
loss, trauma and attachment challenges, and
with the families who make permanent commitments to these children by adoption. In
her past and current work with the Tennessee
public child welfare agency, the University of
Tennessee College of Social Work, Harmony
Adoptions, and Family and Children’s Service,
she has developed innovative programs and
approaches for helping children build strong,
healing permanent attachments, as well as
developing and providing training and consultation on a statewide and national basis.
Dick did her undergraduate work at a small
Mennonite Liberal Arts College, attended
Chicago Theological Seminary, and earned a
master’s degree from the UT College of Social
Work. Her professional training has included
year-long learning collaborative events
in Trauma Focused Cognitive-Behavioral
Therapy, and the ARC model (Attachment,
self-Regulation, and Competency), as well as
site-based intensive training in Trust-Based
Relational Intervention.
Walk Me Home fundraisers are great for
first-time event organizers, as well as more
established organizations, as NFPA provides
support as needed from start to finish. NFPA
receives 20 percent of the funds generated
by the walks with the exception of corporate
sponsorships, which are retained 100
percent by the local walk organizers. NFPA
hopes to continue in 2014 with more states
and communities hosting walks across the
country.
“We are so excited for the walks that are
coming up this year,” says National Walk Me
Home Chair William “Buddy” Hooper. “We
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http://nfpaonline org/wmh Walk Me Home
http://nfpaonline.org/wmh.
also has a great promotional video by singer
Jaime Fox on YouTube. Visit YouTube.com
and search for “Walk Me Home Promo
Video” or visit http://www.youtube.com/
watch?v=e4qnZxfkG38#t=71.
There are multiple ways to get involved in
the walks, including creating a team and
working collectively on a fundraising goal,
donating to a team that is already registered
or making a one-time donation. Individuals
and businesses interested in joining the
fundraising efforts can sign up at http://
www.firstgiving.com/walkmehome and
choose a walk from the list.
ABOUT NATIONAL FOSTER PARENT
ASSOCIATION: The National Foster Parent
Association is a nonprofit, volunteer
organization established in 1972 as a result
of the concerns of several independent
groups that felt the country needed a
national organization to meet the needs of
foster families in the United States. NFPA
strengthens foster families through training
and education, nationally focused legislative
advocacy, opportunities for networking
among foster families, and development of
and support for state and local foster parent
associations and child welfare organizations.
For more information, visit www.nfpaonline.
org. ❁
ABOUT WALK ME HOME ...TO THE
PLACE I BELONG 5K: Walk Me Home
. . . To the Place I Belong is the signature
fundraising and awareness event for foster
care in America. Everyone cannot be a foster
parent, but everyone can help support the
more than 400,000 children in foster care
by participating in a 5k. Walk Me Home is
happening in multiple locations across the
country to raise funds necessary to support
the life-changing programs and activities
of foster care associations throughout the
United States. For more information, visit
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Buddy and Martha
Hooper have been married 45 years and have
four biological and two adopted children,
and 14 grandchildren. The Hoopers began
fostering in 1989, became adoptive parents in
2000, and did kinship care beginning in 2009.
Buddy has served on Alabama Foster and
Adoptive Parent Association Board in several
positions since 1999 and has been current
president since 2005. He also serves on the
National Foster Parent Board as chair of the
Walk Me Home Committee.
are increasing our goals this year for walks
and we’re confident that with help from our
many friends and supporters, we’ll surpass
our goals.”
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BY WILLIAM "BUDDY" HOOPER
T
he National Foster Parent Association
is dedicated to providing support,
education, information and advocacy
to the thousands of foster families across the
country that open their hearts and homes to
children in the child welfare system. These
activities are partially fulfilled with funds
raised at Walk Me Home events that take
place each year across the United States. Walk
Me Home . . . To the Place Where I Belong is a
nationally recognized walkathon that raises
awareness of foster care and helps recruit
foster families nationwide while helping
communities raise funds. States hosting 5K
walks in 2013, included four in Alabama, four
in Tennessee, five in Washington and one
each in Oregon, Kansas and Nevada. Some
walks took place in small communities and
raised a few hundred dollars while some, like
the Kansas Walk Me Home fundraiser, which
raised about $16,000.
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Walk Me Home . . . to the Place I Belong
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BY RACHEL ANN PIESKE
Photo courtesy of Rachael Holt Photography • www.rachaelholt.com
A Family that Fosters Together
A
few years ago during a sociology
class at University, a foster family
came in to speak with us about the
process and their experience. They had been
at it for two years. I have been involved in
the foster care system for 12 years. That is
over half of my life. They have had one longterm placement; off the top of my head I can
remember at least 14. They were newbies.
They had one child to reference. I could have
referenced 56. I was quiet. I raised my hand
when they asked if anyone had a connection
to the foster care system, and I said how
many kids we had, and that it had been a
mostly positive experience.
I don’t love that I learned about child abuse
from a sobbing girl.
I don’t count that as lying. It was a mostly
positive experience. I love my siblings. I
love my parents. I love that I can handle
babysitting just about any child, because I
have dealt with just about every behavioral
issue…
One event stands out more than any other.
Ingrained in my memory forever is the image
of a single night in my life. One of my foster
sisters was lying in bed beside me, a girl not
even five years younger than I at the time. She
was crying uncontrollably, grieving over her
turbulent life, her unspeakable past, and her
uncertain future. I hadn’t even known this
little girl a month. She was baring her soul to
me, telling me things I would never expect to
hear, from even my closest friends.
I just don’t love my ability to “forget” that
I ever called someone sister or brother. I
don’t love that when I don’t see my family for a month or two, I do not miss them
(not because I don’t want to miss them, but
because I just don’t). I don’t love my attachment issues.
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This is an excerpt of an essay I wrote; I
thought it might help explain me:
“In 2000 my parents became foster parents
for children in need of a home. This means
that children with stories no child should
be able to tell were living in my house. This
means that I was no longer the baby, the
princess, the only little girl. This means that
I had 42 brothers and sisters, with lives so
much worse than I had imagined possible, in
the space of 11 years.
That night I became aware of what abuse
really was. I learned that people hurt people
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more than a playground taunt or an undeserved scolding. That night I learned that
children can be used in place of punching
bags and stress balls, in place of wives and
mommies. That night, I cried just as hard as
she did. I cannot say that I cried just for her
that night in a bed full of nightmares. I think
some of the tears were for me, for my shattered innocence, for the knowledge I never
wanted to acquire. Those tears were for my
world, for all of its newly discovered evils, for
the sadness forced to dwell in hearts of children too small to bear it. As I lay beside her I
couldn’t imagine that much pain; that much
unfairness in the world.
I could not imagine how parents could not
know how to be parents, not know how to
treat their children, and not know that they
just did not love right. I had loving parents,
I did not know that was special, rare, a gift.
That little girl was only 7 years old, and had
more traumatic experiences squeezed into
them than I had ever dreamed a possibility
in my 11 years. She was a small, meek child
with deep brown hair, deeper brown eyes,
and a pain with a depth I cannot even put
into words.
The sobs racking through her body and
they are. I fear they will one day realize that
loving children has hurt their family.
I learned how to love brokenness, I learned
how to be a big sister instead of the baby,
and I learned how to grow up.
I don’t pity them though. The bad, as dark
and foreboding as it may seem, is painful. The good though, the good will shine
through hardened hearts and blazing eyes.
The good will still be there, it will be underneath a harder exterior, but it will be.
I learned ugly, but I learned inner beauty. I
learned self-sacrifice and self-actualization
through looking at my parents. I learned a
lot of things.
That night will never leave me. It changed
me somehow, as did countless others with
several different children.
So back to the young couple in my class,
fresh eyed and with two children in tow
(and a third on the way). I looked at those
two little girls and I saw a flash of myself in
their eyes. I saw my parents in them. I saw
the desire to help society and make a change
burning within them.
It will be worth it all. It will be worth the
missed parent teacher conferences and
the non-existent birthday parties and the
forgetting to pick up from schools and the
increased responsibility. There will be bad
for those little girls. It will be hard, but hopefully being foster sisters will be life-changing
for the better, as being a foster sister has
changed mine. ❁
Abuse wasn’t the only thing I learned from
the children in my home. I learned snarky
remarks, witty comments, and cuss words.
I also learned how to lie perfectly from an
11-year-old master of lies, I learned how to
bend the truth. I learned the pain of a broken nose through a particularly violent boy
I saw that, and I was afraid for them. I was
afraid that in 10 years, they would be haggard and have eyes clouded with the evil they
had seen. I was terrified that one day they
will realize that those two perfect little girls
and that baby, still protected completely by
his mother’s womb, will be just a haggard as
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Rachel Ann Pieske is
the biological daughter of two amazing foster
parents. She has dual degrees in social work
and sociology from Ferris State University.
Pieske is currently serving as an AmeriCorps
member at the American Red Cross.
That night I could do nothing, I was only a
child myself, trying to help a child.
BY RACHEL ANN PIESKE
in our home. I learned that even the saint
like patience of my parents comes to an end.
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matching the tremors of my own, tears warm
and salty on faces, arms, shoulders, the pillow; left stains on tangible and intangible
surfaces. Maybe though, the stains I obtained
that night lessened some of hers. After she
was asleep I made my way back to my bed
and lay awake. I made a promise to myself
to help her that night. Throughout the years
I have realized I cannot really help her now.
She has a new home, a new life and hopefully, less pain. I haven’t seen that little girl in
nine years.
Visit Ocho Rios, Jamaica • Grand Cayman • Cozumel, Mexico!
Foster & Adoptive Parents Cruise
Leaving from Miami, Fla. October 5, 2014 at 4 p.m., Returning October 11, 2014 at 8 a.m.
Foster Parents, Adoptive Parents, Couples, Families, Individuals...All Welcome!
For more information, call your own Personal Vacation Planner Natalia at 1-800-819-3902 ext. 85952
For rates and room options (be sure to mention you are booking
for the foster/adoptive cruise!), visit www.carnival.com.
For more information, visit https://www.facebook.com/events/510056062392296/
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column: family talk
BY DRS. JAMES AND MARY KENNY
Jim and Mary Kenny’s large and extended family — adopted, biological and foster.
A
Q
Appreciating Nature
Dear Dr. Kenny: What is Nature Deficit Disorder
and what can we do about it?
Nature Deficit Disorder is best addressed with
an exposure to the wonders and beauty of
nature. Conservation and recycling are important but they only make sense if people first
value and appreciate nature.
Responsible care of our planet is a virtue
which parents must practice before they can
communicate it to their children. Parental
modeling is more effective than preaching.
Parents must examine and modify their own
behavior. They can create households where
an appreciation of nature is evident everywhere. Children raised in such an environment will be far better stewards of creation
than those who have been merely lectured
and instructed.
The number one thing parents can do is
encourage an appreciation of nature by setting
an example. When a parent realizes that the
family spends no time outdoors, their children may suffer from Nature Deficit Disorder.
The simplest remedy is to take a walk. Small
children usually relish the idea. Older children
may need some coaxing. Joining with another
family has many merits. Children can be with
their friends. Scheduling a walk with friends
assures that no one will cancel for a trivial
reason. Use weather as a challenge rather than
a deterrent. A slight mist or a bit of wind can
add to the adventure and create a situation
children may never before have encountered.
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Leave strollers at home. Even a 2-year-old
can walk quite a distance when he or she is
engaged and when others accommodate to
the pace. Let the smallest child set the pace.
Both adults and other children will notice
things they usually miss. One of the many
delights for adults is the opportunity to view
the world through the eyes of a pre-schooler.
Take a walk at his or her pace and under
his or her direction. Everything is new and
amazing, asking to be inspected and touched.
Toddlers are driven by an overwhelming
curiosity. Checking out each stick and stone.
Looking for dandelions. Saying hello to every
dog. Chasing the birds. For toddlers, the
world is a playground.
Look at the worm in the soft loam. Look at
the bug making its way along the sidewalk.
What is that purple plant with the lovely
smell? Parents need not be expert naturalists.
Parents can wonder along with their children.
Creating excitement, awe and curiosity is
more important than giving answers. And
finally leave the electronic devices at home
and use all your senses to experience the
world around you.
Families can make their surroundings more
attractive to wildlife. Bird feeders? Learn
about the birds in the area and what they eat.
Butterflies? Learn the plants which attract
them and add them to your surroundings.
Mix overripe fruit, stale beer or wine, and
sugar or honey. What kid wouldn’t love making this mixture! At sunset spread the mixture on tree bark or any unfinished untreated
wood. After dark go out with a flashlight and
see what you have attracted — moths, bugs
and crawly critters.
Gardens are possible even in small spaces.
Planters and window boxes make it possible
to garden indoors. Books and the Internet
can give suggestions. Using raised beds in
a small space is an ideal way to encourage
beginners to persevere throughout a season.
Even vegetable haters may be tempted to try
vegetables they grew themselves. Should gardening prove successful, parents and children
might learn about indigenous plants, the ones
that originally grew in your area and which,
once established, will thrive best.
Wise parents will explore the outdoors with
their children. And enhance their family
surroundings by gardening and making the
environment attractive to local wildlife. ❁
Family Talk is a regular column in Fostering Families TODAY. We invite your
questions on family living and childcare. Address your questions to the Kennys
at jimkenny12@hotmail.com.
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This is an “open-book” exam. As you read the articles identified below you should be able to answer the questions.
Either photocopy or tear out this page and mail it with a processing fee of $1 made out to FFT to:
Fostering Families TODAY CEU Quiz Monitor, 541 E. Garden Dr. Unit N • Windsor, CO 80550
Be sure to check with your placement agency to see if they will credit you for completing the CEU Quiz.
All responses must be returned by March 31, 2014 to receive your Certificate of Credit for this issue.
PRIVATE
NAME
OR
STATE AGENCY CONTACT
ceu quiz
Fostering Families TODAY CEU Quiz – January/February 2014
ADDRESS
OFFICE ADDRESS/PO BOX
CITY
STATE
CITY
ZIP
CEU Processing Fee $1 payable to FFT enclosed.
STATE
ZIP
Learning Objective: to increase foster and/or adoptive parents’ ability to apply and respond to new information and conceptual frameworks to their work with children in their care.
Please rate the following on a scale of 1-4 (1 is poor, 4 is excellent):
The information was informative: ( 1-2-3-4 )
The information was useful / helpful in my role as a foster or adoptive parent: ( 1-2-3-4 )
The information was thought-provoking, ( 1-2-3-4 ) especially to story on page(s) _______________________________
Would you read FFT if it helped you meet your state’s licensing objectives? ( 1-2-3-4 )
I would be interested in reading more on the topic(s) of: ______________________________________________________
1. According to the article, “Improve Outcomes and Save Lives
with One Simple Tool,” on page 20, which of the following are ways
for establishing or improving teams for foster children? (Choose all
that apply)
a. Send out a monthly email update to the team.
b. Do not let foster parents know when court hearings are to take
place.
c. Establish clear goals for the good for the child involved.
d. Establish ground rules for respectful communication.
4. According to the article, “Grief: Part of the Healing Process,”
on page 42, what are some ways adults can help children
resolve their feelings of loss and grief? (Choose all that apply)
a. Put them on anti-depressants.
b. Suggest for older children to keep a journal to write about
their feelings.
c. Read books to your child about others who have
experiences loss and grief.
d. Make them an appointment with a psychologist.
2. According to the article, “Successfully Working with Birth
Parents,” on page 26, which of the following are skills mentor
parents can teach birth parents? (Choose all that apply)
a. Point out the parenting mistakes the parent is making.
b. Model positive parenting skills such as praising children in front of
parents and praising parents for their positive behaviors and actions.
c. Help to brainstorm ideas to make visitation a successful
relationship building time.
d. Help them learn how to balance a check book and budget
accordingly.
5. According to the article, “Why Childhood Traumatic Grief?”
on page 46, which of the following are symptoms of childhood
traumatic grief? (Choose all that apply)
a. Emotional reactions such as fear or sadness.
b. Intrusive memories with traumatic images of what
happened.
c. Unusual attachment to stuffed animals or other inanimate
objects.
d. Difficulties being separated from caring adults.
3. According to the article, “Kinship Families and Birth Parents: The
Rewards and Complexities of our Work,” on page 28, which of the
following are some of the issues birth parents experience during
placement? (Choose all that apply)
a. Guilt and embarrassment are experienced with the feelings of
being a failure.
b. Future plans being interrupted.
c. Embarrassment and shame in having to ask for services or being
involved with a state agency.
d. Their role changes from being the primary caregiver to now a
supportive person in their own child’s life.
F O S T E R I N G
F A M I L I E S
T O D AY
I
6. According to the article, “Tapestries of Truth,” on page 56,
how can working with children to create a coherent story or
narrative benefit children? (Choose all that apply)
a. Gives them a hope for the future.
b. Builds closeness, trust, a sense of safety and deepening
attachment with the child’s current caregiving parents.
c. Integrates the verbal/non-verbal parts of the brain by linking
words with feelings and emotional memory.
d. Allows them to know what they can tell their school friends.
7. What are some things that you do to create a good working
relationship with the birth parents of the children you care for?
2 0 1 4
I
6 3

Fostering Families Today

Transcription

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