January 31, 2003 - Virginia Law Weekly

Virginia Law Weekly
The Newspaper of the University of Virginia School of Law Since 1948
“Freedom of religion, freedom of the press;
freedom of persons under the protection of the
habeas corpus; and trial by juries impartially
selected, — these principles form the bright
constellation which has gone before us, and
guided our steps through an age of revelation
and reformation.”
THOMAS JEFFERSON
Around
North Grounds
Congratulations
to first-year David
Tonini on his recent
engagement
to
Suzanne Newell.
Spring must still be a ways away,
judging from all the fresh ice we’re
seeing around the halls.
Who are YOU going to vote for
in the SBA elections? Come see
the candidates square off in the
annual Candidate Debate on Tuesday at 4:20 p.m. in WB 101. It’s
better than the WWE (except there
will be no Chyna, no Macho Man,
and no smackdowns with folding
chairs). A modest proposal: the
Law School should invest in some
folding chairs.
Thumbs up to
Dean Bergen and the
Facilities Management Staff for their
usual immediate response to law
student concerns.
And speaking of
concerns…WB is
COOOOLLLLDDD!
(And we don’t mean
that in a good way.)
What’s up with the lack of lunchtime lunch staff? It’s a zoo down
there….
…And we mean
it’s a real zoo. What
the hell is wrong
with you folks? The
gorilla enclosure at the zoo is
neater than Scott Commons in the
afternoon. If you’re smart enough
to get into the Law School, you
must be smart enough to know
how to step to the trash can. ANG
thought this was the home of analretentives. When you’re comfy in
your firm, you can get the staff to
clean up after you; while you’re
here, pick up after yourselves.
The Introductory Meeting for
the Unified Journal Tryouts will
be on Monday, Feb. 3 at 1:00 p.m.
in Caplin Auditorium. Representatives from each journal will be
present to talk about their journals.
The Informational Meeting for
Journal Tryouts will be on Wednesday, Feb. 5 at 4:30 p.m. in WB 101.
Learn more about the journal tryout process and the Virginia Law
Review.
The Dillard Fellow tryout may
be completed during any consecutive three-day period between Friday, Jan. 31, and Monday, Feb. 24
(last pick-up day is Friday, Feb.
21). The tryout packet may be
picked up from Phyllis Harris in
room WB 348a. The tryout is open
to first-year and second-year students.
In this issue:
the BEET ............... p. 2
Feb Club Calendar ......
................................ p. 6
Vol. 55, No. 15
Friday, January 31, 2003
Subscriptions Available
Black Law Students Association to Sponsor
Events for Black History Month
by Chris Colby ’04
When third-year Elaina
Blanks ran for the position of
Black Law Students Association
President, her top priority was to
bring the nation’s best speakers
to the Law School, particularly
for Black History Month. “I
wanted to make sure that the
entire Law School had the opportunity to experience and enjoy
some of the dynamic legal minds
of today,” Blanks said.
For example, Blanks notes that
she “was immediately drawn to
having Judge Roger Gregory [the
first African-American to sit on
the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals] come to address the Law
School. Fortunately, John Newby,
a fellow BLSA member, agreed to
help me in securing Judge Gregory for Black History Month.”
“We began working on this program in the Spring of 2002, continued throughout the summer,
and are very pleased to have put
together a dynamite month filled
with speakers and discussions,”
said Blanks. “So, this month of
discussions and speeches is a result of an enormous amount of
work from a great group of people,
beginning back in April 2002.”
BLSA’s theme for Black History Month 2003, “The Legal Status of African-Americans: From
Slavery to the 21st Century and
Beyond,” was chosen to provoke
discussion on the historic trends
of the African-American experience. Topics will range from the
era of slavery through Recon-
of Student Affairs, agreed. “BLSA
has demonstrated a dedicated
commitment to plan and develop
a comprehensive program this
year that will benefit not only
Feb. 3 ----- Kick-Off Reception Weekly Profiles – Ida B. Wells
Barnett; Thomas A. Dorsey; Ernest Everett Just
Feb. 5 ----- Weekly Movie Series Amistad
Feb. 10 --- Weekly Profiles – Charles H. Houston; Jesse Owens;
Charles Drew
Feb. 12 --- Weekly Movie Series Glory
Feb. 13 --- Speaker Series – Judge Roger Gregory
Feb. 17 --- Weekly Profiles – Ralph Bunche; Ralph Ellison; Althea
Gibson
Feb. 19 --- Weekly Movie Series Tuskegee Airmen
Feb. 20 --- Speaker Series – Professor Forde-Mazrui
Feb. 21 --- Alumni Conference
Feb. 22 --- Alumni Conference – Judge John Charles Thomas
Feb. 23 --- Alumni Conference
Feb. 24 --- Weekly Profiles – Leontyne Price; Alvin Ailey; John
Hope Franklin
Feb. 26 --- Weekly Movie Series Mr. & Mrs. Loving
Feb. 27 --- Speaker Series – Attorney Robert Grey
Feb. 28 --- Conclusion Reception
struction and the Jim Crow period to the Civil Rights Movement and contemporary issues
such as the current controversy
surrounding the constitutionality of affirmative action programs.
A concerted effort was undertaken to make this the widestranging Black History Month
ever planned, according to
Blanks. Beverly Harmon, Dean
the Law School, but the entire
University community,” she said.
The month’s list of activities
starts with the annual Kick-Off
Reception, which will be held Feb.
3 at 4:15 p.m. in the Bagel
Lounge. Following that, the
month will follow a pattern of
weekly events. On Mondays,
there will be Weekly Profiles, detailing the lives of 12 historic
figures, from UN diplomat Ralph
Bunche, the first Nobel Peace
Prize recipient of color, to Jesse
Owens, the track and field star
who won four Olympic gold medals in the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin.
Every Wednesday will feature
a movie, shown at 6:30 p.m., detailing in cinematic form many
of the topics discussed throughout the week. Selections will include blockbusters such as
Steven Spielberg’s Amistad and
the Civil War drama Glory, as
well as less well-known biopics
such as The Tuskegee Airmen, a
movie about the first squadron of
African-American pilots to serve
in World War II. Another film
will be Mr. and Mrs. Loving,
which portrays the interracial
couple prosecuted in what became the Constitutional Law case
Loving v. Virginia.
However, the most important
part of Black History Month is
anticipated to be the Thursday
evening speakers. “The events
that I would most suggest would
be the addresses given by Judge
Gregory, Professor [Kim] FordeMazrui, and ABA President-Elect
nominee Robert J. Grey, Jr.
Given that Judge Gregory is the
first black judge to sit on the
Fourth Circuit, I highly recommend attending his address on
see BLSA page 2
Grade Deadline Policy
Explained
First-Year Job Search
Shifts From Usual Focus
Bennett, because Feb. 1 will fall on
by Michael Spitzer ’04
Almost every weekday morning a weekend, grades must be turned
in January, students of the Law in by Monday, Feb. 3. However,
School observe a ritual. You can see professors who taught two classes
it while sitting in your first class of with an aggregate total of more
the day as you scan the laptop com- than 175 students can get an extenputer screens of your classmates. sion until Feb. 15 to have all grades
There is a look of anxiety, anticipa- submitted. Under that option, protion, and sometimes even fear, as fessors must still submit one set of
students log on to ISIS to see whether class grades on Feb. 3 and then
have the extension
their fall grades have
until Feb. 15 for the
arrived. As the grades
second class.
are finally posted and
The
Student
the month of January
Records Office also
comes to an end, so
plays an important
too will end the ritual
role in getting grades
of students checking
to students in a timely
for fall grades. Yet acfashion. According to
cording to Law School
Dean Bennett, once
policy, for some stuprofessors submit
dents who took large
grades, the office
classes, the waiting
photo by Brian Green must confirm that the
game might have to
B+ mean has been met
continue until midWaiting on
February.
and that each student
Corporations
The long wait for
has had a grade reLaw School grades stems from the corded. The grades are then forlong time many professors spend warded to the University
grading exams. For example, Dean Registrar’s Office in Carruthers
John Jeffries explained that in grad- Hall for processing. Grades are then
ing exams, he often takes about half available on ISIS within 48 hours
an hour on each one, making it dif- of receipt by the Registrar’s Office.
ficult to grade more than four or five
According to Dean Jeffries, the
in a day. “Grading a large number of plan has worked very well thus far.
exams therefore takes weeks, not “Last year, we had a 100 percent
days or hours, and displaces other success rate in professors submitimportant activities for professors,” ting grades on time. We hope that
stated Jeffries.
the same will be true this year. Of
Due to the fact that many stu- course, we all know that timely
dents, particularly first-years, need grades are important to students.
grades returned early in the spring The 100 percent on-time record that
for job hiring purposes, the Law faculty have achieved in recent seSchool has placed a deadline for mesters is really remarkable. It is
faculty submission of grades. For testimony to a widespread commitsome years now, the Law School has ment on the part of our faculty to
mandated that professors must re- put students first. I, for one, enturn fall semester grades by Feb. 1. dorse that commitment and am
This year, according to Assistant grateful that it is shared among my
Dean for Academic Services Cary colleagues.”
More Students Consider Alternatives
to Firms
Printed on
recycled paper
by Gretchen Agee ’04
school has ever had,” at 34 perSince the fall of 2001, the legal cent. This year, 23 employers will
employment market has taken a participate in On-Grounds Interdownturn, and those now feeling viewing (OGI) for first-years —
the worst effects of a thin market compared to 31 last year and 37
are first-years in search of sum- in 2001. Hopson expects that the
mer jobs. Given the difficulties number of first-years participatthat many second-years faced in ing in OGI will be high.
finding firm jobs this fall, expecMost first-years reported havtations for first-years were low. ing sent out mass mailings to
Sy Damle,
firms, with mixed rea firstsults. One student reyear from
ports receiving three
Los Angeinterviews with New
les, stated
York firms and one inthat Seterview with a Boston
nior Asfirm. In
sistant
contrast,
Dean for
f i r s t Career
y e a r
Services
K e l l y
S t e v e
King reH o p s o n
ports,
“managed to
“I’ve gotput the fear
t e n
of God and
enough
photos (clockwise from top)
unemployrejection
courtesy gelbgelb.com,
ment in me,
letters
citizen.org, pilor.org
so I was not
[ f r o m
at all surD.C. area
From Firms to Activism to Legal Aid:
prised when
firms] to
Diverse Opportunities
the rejection
wallpaletters started rolling in.”
per my room.” Those looking in
According to Dean Hopson, some of the smaller markets,
last summer was “the weakest however, have been relatively
first-year market in the private successful.
sector that we’ve had in long
Though Career Services was
time.” During the summer of understandably concerned about
2002, only 40 percent of the class the prospects for first-years seekhad firm jobs, compared to 55 ing firm jobs, some students are
percent in the summer of 2001. now critical of this pessimistic
At the same time, Hopson indi- attitude. Several students did not
cated that last summer saw “the try to contact firms in big marhighest number of public service kets because they anticipated a
first-year summer jobs that the
see FIRST-YEARS page 2
Features
BLSA
2
Virginia Law Weekly
continued from page 1
Feb. 13 in Caplin Pavilion. At
the same time, however, I also
strongly recommend attending
Professor Forde-Mazrui’s address on Feb. 20.” Blanks explained that Forde-Mazrui will
be addressing the Grutter v.
Michigan cases relating to affirmative action, and since FordeMazrui will be visiting at Michigan next year, this may be one of
the last opportunities for many
students to hear him speak. “Finally, as the current PresidentElect nominee for the American
Bar Association, Mr. Grey
should prove to be very engaging and thought-provoking,”
Blanks said. “I’m excited about
all three of them.”
Second-year BLSA member
John Newby cited the benefits
of all the hard work that BLSA
had done to make Black History
Month a success. “It’s pretty
hard to think that 2003 is the
first year in which the Law
School has planned such a comprehensive Black History Month
program. It’s even more amazing that, in 2003, there is still
such a need for the education
afforded by such a program. It is
my hope that the entire Law
School community will benefit
from what BLSA is offering during Black History Month.”
Blanks summed up by saying, “People of other races and
African-Americans alike can all
benefit and appreciate the historical, current, and future contributions made by AfricanAmericans and how those contributions have permeated
American society as a whole.
Hence, Black History Month is
really American History Month.”
FIRST-YEARS
continued from page 1
slew of rejection letters, but are
now frustrated as they see their
classmates who did send mass
mailings getting interviews and
offers from firms.
With the scarcity of first-year
positions available at the
country’s larger law firms, many
students have considered other
options, such as clerking for
judges, doing public interest law,
and conducting research for professors. Students seeking these
opportunities have had to take
the initiative, making for a
stressful and time-consuming
process.
While some students have
been disappointed by the lack of
resources devoted to public interest opportunities outside of
Charlottesville, and especially
abroad, other students have
found fascinating projects.
Jamie Lisagor, a first-year
from Northern Virginia, is deciding between two public service offers: Independent Jamaica
Council for Human Rights and
EarthRights in Thailand. She
said she “didn’t realize that
people would offer a summer job
just by glancing at a résumé.”
For those first-years who would
ultimately like to work at a firm,
spending a summer doing research for a professor or participating in public service will not
hurt their opportunities for a firm
position next year. “Most firms,”
Hopson said, “are more concerned
about grades than experience, and
as long as first-years can use the
summer to develop their legal research and writing skills, they
should be okay for the fall.”
Virginia Law Weekly
Sharon Yuan
Friday, January 31, 2003
Law Students Reflect on
Possibility of War on Iraq
by Chris Colby ’04
This Tuesday, law students sat
down to discuss the possibility of
war with Iraq, the Bush
Administration’s hard-line approach to the continuing saga of
weapons inspections, and the
need for and best means to achieve
stability in the Middle East.
The Anti-War Group, Virginia
Law Veterans, Student Bar Association, and the
J.B. Moore Society
sponsored the public discussion.
VLV, an organization open to all law
students who have
served or are currently serving in
the armed forces,
was represented
by two students
with
opposing
viewpoints on the
situation in Iraq.
Second-year
David Glazier espoused an antiwar viewpoint, while fellow second-year Brian Rhode presented
a pro-war viewpoint. Both agreed
that there was merit to the other
side’s arguments and that there
was quite a continuum of viewpoints, each providing a strong
sounding board for free discussion.
Rhode first examined changes
in American policy since Sept. 11,
2001. “Since 9/11, there has been
a fundamental shift in how we
define our security as a nation.
Prior to 9/11, active diplomacy
and military might have served
as our primary deterrent force,
but that is no longer adequate.”
“Military action is not only con○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○
enemy’s enemy is my friend,” but
also discussed the background of
the Bush Administration’s civilian leadership. “They’re Cold
Warriors who still see the world
as a zero-sum game. They take a
short-term perspective to their
foreign policy.”
One of Glazier’s more controversial points was that “Saddam
being in power, like Tito [in Yugoslavia], has resulted
in stability to the region. If we oust
Saddam, what will
Iraq look like in five or
10 years? Will Iraq
become a stabilizing
force or another hotbed of fundamentalist
hatred?” This question spurred several
responses during the
Q&A period.
Glazier also noted
that it was entirely
photo by Chris Colby
possible that such an
Ruminating on War
invasion could ultimately result in the
stopped, will actually do so. “The very thing the invasion would atonly way these people find em- tempt to thwart: further terrorist
powerment is to create destruc- attacks and eventual development and delivery of a nuclear
tion,” he said.
Glazier expressed concern that weapon to the United States. “The
short-term thinking in foreign Administration says that the reapolicy matters has gotten the son we’re being attacked by terUnited States into trouble in the rorists is because our Founding
past. “Our commanders are not Fathers created a system of govfamiliar with the geopolitical per- ernment with values incompatspective of the forces they are ible to the terrorists. I do not
dealing with. For example, as a endorse this view. I think that
result of our policy in Afghani- terrorism is how the have-nots
stan [of giving weapons to the confront raw military power. An
Afghans during the Soviet occu- invasion of Iraq will simply drive
pation], the Taliban rose to significant numbers of people into
the terrorist camps, and so the
power.”
Glazier cited not only the war on terrorism will go much
United States’ policy of “my more adversely.”
sistent with this new paradigm of
security,” Rhode said, “but [is justified] because regime change
would be the first step in changing a region that breeds hatred.”
Rhode conceded that there is
no clear link between al-Qaeda
and Saddam Hussein. Nonetheless, he contended that Iraq has
attempted to develop weapons of
mass destruction and, if not
the BEET
○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○
Sowing sarcasm at the Law School
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Staff
COLUMNISTS : Jean Marie Hackett, Kate Horsley, Oreste McClung, Meredith Young, Rees Morgan
(SBA Notebook), VANGUARD .
CONTRIBUTORS : Gretchen Agee, Hawk Blair, Kristiana Brugger, Scott Pluta.
R EVIEWERS: Nick Benjamin, Alison Haddock, Brent Olson, Carsten Reichel.
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The Virginia Law Weekly publishes letters and columns of interest to the Law School and the
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Presidential Address Sparks Global
Clean Underwear Crisis
by Stu Shapley ’03
At precisely 10:03 p.m. Eastern
Standard Time, President George
W. Bush set off a global clean undergarment crisis when his thinly
veiled hints of war
and claims that
“the course of this
nation does not depend on the decisions of others”
caused six billion
people to simultaneously shit their
pants in collective
fear.
Initially mistaken for a thunderclap, the giant
kaboom was in fact
the sound of all humankind simultaneously soiling
their trousers, mumus, saris, jodhpurs,
sarongs,
lederhosen,
galabbiya, dishdashas, and sumo
thongs. Rebroadcasts of the
speech on CNN produced smaller
aftershocks at half-hour intervals
throughout the night.
A few shocked moments after
the “Brown Note Heard ’Round
the World,” as it is now being
called, half-naked people worldwide took to the streets in the
biggest run on the world’s reserves
of washed undergarments.
By 10:15 p.m., the recently
opened Victoria’s Secret Herald
Square flagship store in New York
City was in flames after
latecoming looters torched it upon
a Bombay department store in what
Prime Minister Vajpayee described
on national television as a “panty
raid tragedy.”
Ironically, the only people unaffected by Bush’s skid-mark scary
speech were those in the immediate vicinity of the speaker. Senator
Edward Kennedy (D-MA) managed
to stave off an accident by drunkenly nodding off during the
President’s speech, while Dick
Cheney and the Joint Chiefs of
Staff appeared to be under the influence of some more potent psychotropic. Indeed, the latter’s habit
of applauding and rising completely
out of sync with everyone else in
the room added credibility to rumors of Cheney’s misappropriation
of public funds to
build a walk-in crack
pipe at his undisclosed location.
Upon hearing of
the fallout from his
speech this morning, Bush immediAnything
ately signed an ex— edible,
ecutive order allocrotchless,
cating $600 million
granny
of emergency aid to
panties,
help
rebuild
e v e n
America’s
top
adult diadresser drawer.
pers — I
Bush also pledged
N E E D
an extra $100 milUNDERcourtesy jewelrybydaoud.com
lion to air-drop sevWEAR!!!!”
A few blocks away, the recruit- eral million pairs of unisex goving office in Times Square reported ernment issue undergarments
a massive surge in interest in the over Mexico, which, due to its
Army’s commando units. On the frijole-intensive national cuisine,
other side of the world, at least 400 was hit particularly hard by the
people were trampled to death near President’s remarks.
finding nothing but lacy bras and
garter belts. Dressed in a short
wool coat and a sodden towel
around her waist, and holding a
bottle of VS brand scented bubble
bath, Kristen
Mulholland,
23, an analyst
at
Goldman
Sachs, angrily complained,
“What the
fuck am I going to do
with this? I
need underw e a r ,
dammit!
Virginia Law Weekly
Friday, January 31, 2003
Campaign 2002’s Green Highway
by Andrew Falevich ’04
One thing you learn as you go to
a top law school is that although
everything seems regular, and
we’re all taking the same classes,
and we all have our sections, and
we all have the same questions,
eventually you find out that behind this veil of uniformity there’s
a great deal of diversity.
One great example is Adam
Green (not to be confused with
first-year Adam Greene, and
so, to give honor where honor is
due, not the one who “did a keg
stand at some party in Ivy Gardens”). Green is in his last semester of his last year at law
school, but he took time off with
approval from the Law School,
and spent practically all of last
year on a campaign, as a press
secretary for U.S. Senator Tim
Johnson. So while we were all
debating the merits of Erie and
the possible outcome of Eldred,
Green was working the media
end of a high-profile race in
South Dakota. It turns out that
“South Dakota’s race was considered one of the most closely
watched contests in the country,
and took on special significance
because it was in the home state of
[then] Democratic Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, yet was
won by President Bush in 2000 by
22 percent. Daschle had called
Johnson’s re-election his ‘number
one priority,’” said Green. In the
end Johnson’s campaign was successful, with Johnson winning by
only 524 votes, which turned out
to be the closest Senate race in the
nation. Green “was in South Dakota for 11 months, from January
to November 2002. My job as Press
Secretary included talking to reporters, planning media events
and press conferences, and writing speeches.”
But, like most of us, Green didn’t
originally intend to join a campaign when he came to law school.
“Never in a million years did I
think I’d spend a year of my life in
South Dakota. But this ended up
being the best job I’ve ever had –
every day was its own inspiration,
its own passion, its own adven-
surprising suggestion, but over the
summer I met with the campaign
manager in Washington D.C.,
drew up a draft communications
plan, and one thing led to another
… on Jan. 3, 2002, I sold my 1988
Buick Regal for $105, hopped in a
big yellow moving truck, and left
Charlottesville en route to Sioux
“
conversations and personal stories with me to the classroom each
day and that helps me to learn the
issues and reflect on them.”
Also, Green came away from
his experience with something
genuinely enlightening, which is
never sufficiently emphasized in
law school: “One thing that was
solidified in my mind was that
for every issue being discussed
in our law classes or on television, there are real people with
real stories whose lives are
deeply touched with the outcome of our policy decisions.
When you meet a widow who
was forced to sell her family’s
home in order to afford thousands of dollars in prescription
drug costs each month, you become personally invested in the
policy debate and become more
determined than ever to help
make a change for the people
who need it.”
As for Green’s future plans,
he doesn’t think that his expecourtesy Johnson campaign rience precludes anyone from
doing something similar who
Senator Johnson and Green
does not necessarily intend to
ture. So this was a big lesson for Falls, South Dakota.”
establish a career in politics. “I
When Green came back to law can see myself working a press job
me. Sometimes the doors of opportunity unexpectedly open, and school this semester, Green’s ex- in the 2004 campaign cycle after I
you have to be willing to take a perience affected his choices of take the bar, then perhaps workchance and walk through.” In his classes. “I chose several of my ing at a law firm for a while. We’ll
case, the door of opportunity came classes this semester specifically see what happens. But the way I
in the form of a joke. “At the end of because of the issues I encoun- see it, there is a tangible intersect
my second year I was talking with tered during my time in South between law and politics — one
Brendan Johnson, who was outgo- Dakota. For instance, I had count- affects the other. So this past
ing SBA president at the time, less hour-long conversations with year’s experience should be an
and jokingly said that I would come farmers and ranchers about eco- asset regardless of what comes
to South Dakota to ‘stump’ for his nomics and trade policy and next.”
dad on the campaign trail. He knew learned a lot from them. These
So, if anyone ever wanted to
that I had done communications guys know economics and inter- tape a campaign song, don’t reon other campaigns and had seen national trade law like the back of sign yourself to a miserable existmy work as Law Democrats presi- their hand because they live the ence and refuse yourself those few
dent, and said I should seriously markets every day. So when I got pleasures remaining before you
think about coming to South Da- back to U.Va., I signed up for In- enter the real world. To hear
kota to do press for his dad’s re- ternational Trade Law right away. Green’s campaign song, go to
election. This was an initially I feel like I bring a year’s worth of www.timjohnson.com.
SBA Notebook: Road-tripping It
After loading my van with seven
students from my Negotiation and
Public Practice Clinic, I decided to
base my column this week on a
focus group survey of current
issues before the student body.
This completely random collection
of third-year law students included
Eduardo Crosa, Maegan Conklin,
Lise Adams, Robb Wolfson,
Nathan Campbell, and Gina
Vetere. Here, for the most part, is
our question-and-answer session.
Rees Morgan, a
third-year law
student, is SBA
president.
I first asked them for their
thoughts on the SBA-sponsored
Yearbook. Five of the seven had
bought the Yearbook. I asked those
who did not, “Why not?” Nate said,
“I’m doing my best to forget these
people.” Robb agreed. For those
who bought the Yearbook, the common response was, “I was guilted
into it.” Eduardo said, “You made
me.” Maegan said she bought the
Yearbook to remember “all her fine
friends from Section H, i.e. I was
guilted into it.”
Though a little disappointed with
these answers, I vowed to push on.
I asked the crew what they thought
would make a good class gift? Blatantly ruining my focus group, I
saw Lise whispering frantically to
others in the van. No surprise then
when four of the seven passengers
voted for the PILA-sponsored public service scholarship. Nate voted
for a flagpole. Eduardo, useless as
usual, said he didn’t like the flagpole idea, and offered nothing constructive.
Running out of questions, I decided to ask the van if anybody
had other issues to discuss that I
had yet to bring up. Nate suggested that the SBA take an official stance on war with Iraq. The
rest responded with blank stares.
But they’re third-years, so no real
surprise there. We then lapsed
into an awkward silence.
To break this silence, Maegan
told an amusing anecdote about
“this time, when she was at the
Miss Teen USA Pageant, and got on
an elevator, and ran into Eazy-E,
and he was wearing this shirt that
said ‘motherfucker’ all over it, and,
oh man, it was cool.” Then I had to
take a break since I was getting
carsick and Eduardo gets sooo mad
when I throw up on him.
Now, we’re heading back from
Richmond, so it seems like a good
time to make a few announcements.
Barrister’s Ball is set for Feb. 22
at the Omni Hotel. Barrister’s has
always been one of my favorite
events at the Law School, and it’s
not just the formal gowns. It’s the
booze. If anyone needs a date, please
e-mail me. Please. Hello? Anyone?
God, I suck. SBA Elections are
coming up too…just a brief re-
Student Life
minder that you must file by 5
p.m. today to run for an Executive
position. Check the SBA Board for
the full Election calendar. And, by
the way, I hope you all are excited
about the Elections. I am, mainly
because there are like 12 people
running for SBA President, which
means at least a dozen of you were
so inspired by my leadership that
you want my job. Or, on the other
hand, maybe twelve of you thought
I did such a bad job that you felt
compelled to run to fix the mess
I’m leaving behind. Damn.
And finally, I hope everyone enjoys a fun and safe Feb Club. In
some ways, I think Feb Club well
represents the distinct culture we
share at this Law School. The congeniality, the inclusiveness, and the
revelry combine this month to exemplify the great atmosphere of our
school. Take this opportunity to
enjoy it, and to get to know your
colleagues a little better. And, of
course, there’s free booze.
Faculty Quotes of
the Week
And the winner is:
J. Harrison: “As of a few
seconds ago, the wireless network is down. As you can
imagine, I now feel a heavier
weight of responsibility.”
Runners-up:
J. Harrison: “America is
a nation of spelunkers. I am
claustrophobic.”
R. Brooks: “We’ve established that the Constitution
was written by a bunch of
dead, white, jerky guys.”
E. Kitch: “(referring to
Kraft) They have Kool-Aid,
Jell-O...I mean, you can’t live
without these people.”
E. Magill: “Sometimes I
think of putting this on
PowerPoint, but then I remember that I teach Administrative Law, its after noon,
and it would involve turning
the lights off, and then I think,
that’s probably not a good
idea.”
A.E. Dick Howard: “Private lawyers pay you better
than the law school does.
What can I say?”
R. Brooks: “It makes me
really happy to find
McDonald’s all over the world.
The French—I don’t know
what their problem is. I don’t
like their food.”
R. Brooks: “Sierra
Leonians: not only have they
had to suffer through a brutal
civil war, they also don’t have
any access to a McDonald’s.
You can add this to your growing list of human rights
abuses. Maybe they could go
to one in Ghana.”
G. Cohen: “The Sherman
Act: the most vague statute
ever written in the history of
mankind.”
G. Lilly: “If I was selling
beer...which I’m not today, but
maybe someday I will...”
J. Harrison: “Everything
deteriorates over time, including me.”
E. Dudley: “Anyone who
mistakes Rules 404 and 405
for Rules 608 and 609 on the
exam will be summarily executed.”
continued on page 5
This Week in ’Hoosville
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Check out an exhibition at the U.Va.
Art Museum on the
legacy of Lewis and
Clark, featuring
work from the collection and loans of
prints by George
Catlin and Karl
Bodmer. Free admission, but the future
therapies will yield
a bundle. Call 9243592 for more info.
Tour
Central
Virginia’s premier,
but still hardly
known, wineries —
Cooper Vineyards,
Grayhaven Winery,
James River Wine
Cellars, Lake Anna
Winery, and Windy
River Winery. Call
(540) 895-5085 for
more info.
Check out Adaptation., starring last
year’s Virginia Film
Festival guest of
honor, Nicolas Cage,
in your local theater.
Stay up late…
Monday
…or get up early,
for
third-year
Valerie Nannery’s
radio show on 91.9
FM WNRN. From 25:30 a.m. she’ll be
playing the best in
modern rock. If she
can remember how
to hit the right buttons, that is.
Root for U.Va.
women’s basketball
team as they take on
Clemson at U-Hall.
The game starts at 7
p.m.
3
”
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
If you want to be
on the “in,” check out
Chicago at the Downtown Mall 6. It is this
year’s smash hit,
starring celebrities
that only last year
were considering
joining Celebrity Fear
Factor. That’s the
real truth behind
Chicago’s poignancy.
You heard it here.
If you didn’t get
your fill of plates
when you visited the
White House, or if
you want to impress
your girl with some
tidbits that are unrelated to law, check
out the U.Va. Art
Museum’s exhibition
featuring rare ceramics, including blue
and white porcelain,
from 17th-century
China. Call 924-3592
for more info.
Check out the
musical choice of
Mr. T — Tony
Trischka — at the
Prism Coffeehouse.
The type of music is
alternative and/or
country. But with a
belly full of beer, it’s
all good. Show
starts at 8 p.m.
4
Features
Virginia Law Weekly
Tickets Galore
Kristiana Brugger ’04
It has happened to almost all of
us at one time or another. You’re
driving down a familiar road —
usually going a few miles over the
speed limit — when all of a sudden, a cop dressed as a forsythia
bush springs out from his hiding
place, grabs his motorcycle from
the shrubbery, and takes off after
you. Luckily, the last time a leafencrusted police officer pulled me
over, it was only for an expired
registration sticker. Many other
U.Va. students aren’t so lucky.
courtesy City of C’ville
“I’ll be seeing you around
town.”
More and more law students
are complaining about getting
traffic tickets, especially citations
for reckless driving. Police officers have quite a bit of discretion in
issuing “general” reckless driving
tickets — they just have to believe
that a driver’s conduct will “endanger the life, limb, or property
of any person.” There are also specifically delineated acts that can
constitute reckless driving, including turning without using a turn
signal, passing someone on a hill,
entering a highway improperly,
and a host of other driving no-nos.
Perhaps the best-known of reckless driving behaviors, however,
is excessive speeding: for example,
going 50 mph in a 30 mph zone. In
addition, any time a driver exceeds 80 mph, regardless of the
speed limit, that driver may be
ticketed for reckless driving.
McCormick Road and Alderman Road are touted by the U.Va.
police as traffic ticket “hot spots.”
The stretch of U.S. 29 just north of
Charlottesville is notorious for
speed traps; police officers are usually camouflaged behind small
hills and trees, waiting to catch
drivers who exceed that ever-frustrating 55 mph speed limit. But
no matter where people get
caught, the consequences of excessive speed or carelessness can
be surprisingly severe.
“Reckless driving is a Class I
misdemeanor,” said Becky
Campbell, the Crime Prevention
Coordinator of the U.Va. Police
Department. “You can get jail
time, you can get a fine — it just
depends on what the situation
was.”
Take, for example, someone
who passed another car by crossing a double yellow line. If it occurred at 2 a.m. with no one else
around on a 30 mph road, the
offending driver probably would
receive a lesser sanction than
someone who did the same thing
in a 55 mph zone during rush
hour. The judge has the discretion
to raise or lower the penalties
based on the egregiousness of the
offense. Regardless of the immediate penalties, the most damaging effects of a reckless driving
conviction may lie in the fact that
in addition to paying a fine — or
serving jail time, doing community service, etc. — the driver is
assessed six points on his license
and the conviction goes on his
criminal record. He then has to
disclose the offense to his future
employers, and if he receives a
total of 12 points on his license in
12 months, or 18 points in 24
months, his license can be suspended.
So who receives the most reckless driving tickets in our area?
Stereotypically, younger men tend
to be responsible for a disproportionate number of car accidents
and driving violations — after all,
according to Virginia’s Department of Motor Vehicles, males
ages 21-25 comprised the largest
category of people killed in car
crashes in 2001. According to
Campbell’s experience, however,
that stereotype is not always correct for reckless driving.
“I can’t pick out any group that
gets [reckless driving citations]
more than others,” she said. “In
the ‘old days,’ it used to be males
[age] 20-35, but it’s changed because there are a lot more women
driving, [and] a lot more kids driving.”
In a recent Virginia Commonwealth University study, it was
reported that since 1978 the ma-
Friday, January 31, 2003
The Chrome Dome Manifesto
by Stu Shapley ’03
of all athletic endeavor, is the his- erywhere. To ask where Chrome
A spectre is haunting Virginia tory of hair-related struggle. In Dome stands is to ignore the point
softball — the spectre of baldness. earlier epochs of history, the of the whole enterprise. Chrome
All the powers of the NGSL have struggle between haired and un- Dome is defined by its counterentered into a holy alliance to ex- haired was misunderstood and clockwise movement around a
orcise this spectre: Gus and RPA, characterized in terms of church square described by four sandbags
Los Juzgados and Little Lebowski, versus state, bourgeois versus pro- while watching the lush scalped
the JD’s and B+ Mean.
letariat, black versus white. Stu- ruling class’s internal contradicWhere is the team in opposition dents of the Reformation dissi- tions tear it apart. Chrome Dome
to the league’s reigning elite that pated their intellectual energies is committed to industrialization,
has not been decried as bald by its pursuing silly theories about pa- collectivized wheat farming, and
the establishment of
opponents on the
a bald professor chair
field? Where is the
at the Law School.
0-8 team that has
III. The Strucnot hurled back the
ture of Chrome
branding reproach
Dome
of hair loss against
In addition to the
more successful op11-man peoples’ conponents, as well as
gress responsible for
against reactionbatting, fielding, and
ary referees?
heavy
drinking,
Two things reChrome Dome’s leadsult from this fact:
ership structure also
I. The bald man
includes a two-man
is already acknowlcentral committee
edged by all memconsisting of combers of the softball
rades T.K. Wingfield
community to be a
and Grant Penrod.
power.
The committee’s duty
II. It is high time
photo by Sarah Levine
is to maintain interthat the bald comHeads as Smooth as the Trophies They’ll Win
nal security by checkmunity should
ing worker-players for
openly, in the face
of the whole Law School, publish pal excesses and Lutheran theol- controlled substances such as
its views, its aims, its tendency to ogy, as opposed to focusing on the Propecia and Rogaine.
IV. Position of Chrome Dome
blind the opposition, and meet this eternal struggle between bald and
nursery tale of the spectre of bald- hairy, carried on between Luther, in Relation to the Other Physiness with a manifesto and snazzy the tonsured monk, and the thick- cal-Characteristic Oriented
team jerseys.
haired Pope Leo X. After millenia Softball Teams
Chrome Dome cannot help but
To this end, bald men of every of fractious infighting between
stripe, Wingfieldites, Penrodists, blondes, redheads, straights, and stand in direct opposition to Little
and Crosaviks have assembled as curlies, our epoch finds those in League, the 5’4"-and-under team.
the regular team Chrome Dome, control of the means of hair pro- The realization of a bald utopia
and have sketched out the follow- duction united to form the class presents a classic case of having to
break eggs, even little ones, to
ing manifesto, to be published in known as the Fabioites.
English, legalese, drunken slurII. Bald Men and Chrome make an omelette.
Chrome Dome disdains to conring, drawling Southern, and all Dome
of the other major dialects of cenIn what relation does Chrome ceal its views and aims. Let the
tral Virginia.
Dome stand in relation to bald follicled classes tremble at a communist revolution. Having lost
I. Fabioites and Bald Men
men as a whole?
The history of all society hithChrome Dome has no interests their hair, Chrome Dome have
erto, and in particular, the history apart from those of bald men ev- nothing to lose but its chains.
Weather Tantrums
photo by Sarah Levine
Walking Is Faster
jor factors at work in vehicle
crashes have been driver inattention and/or excessive speed — the
same factors that are often the
reason drivers receive tickets for
reckless driving. Surprisingly,
Campbell said that over the past
year the number of reckless driving citations given in and around
the University actually has decreased; the biggest traffic problems that the University police
see are non-reckless speeding and
refusals to stop at stop signs. She
emphasized, however, that tickets related to driver inattention
are a major problem, with drivers
often distracted by cell phones or
passengers.
By all accounts, the key to
avoiding reckless driving tickets
appears to be exercising great care
while driving — abiding by posted
traffic signs, respecting fellow
drivers, and minimizing distractions while behind the wheel of a
car. Of course, keeping an eye out
for odd-looking shrubs with radar
guns never hurts, either.
courtesy City of C’ville
The C’ville Traffic Team
by Andrew Falevich ’04
Now that warm weather has
decided to shun the Eastern Seaboard, it would not come as a
surprise to learn that law students have finally begun to crave
the Law School, if only to seek
the free warmth and mild climate of its insides.
“The weather has been crazy
compared to the last two years,”
expressed third-year Melissa
Meana. “It has never been this
cold in Virginia. All
during finals last semester, Charlottesville
temps were lower than
Chicago temps. I actually had to go home to
Chicago to warm up!
That was definitely a
first. But this semester, it [has] either been
the same temp as [in]
Chicago or a little
warmer. In the past it
was always at least 1015 degrees warmer. So
lately, with this
weather, I feel like I
am back home in Chicago!”
Not everyone is on
the same page when it comes to
how cold it is, however. Secondyear Scott Meacham is at a loss:
“The radio announcer is listing
all the school closings, and I can’t
figure out why — the roads are
still passable. If you’re chilly, put
on a hat.” Then again, Meacham
is from Alaska, so for him this
weather is normal — though
Alaska has had unusually warm
temperatures in the last few
years.
Meacham, like most of us, experiences the general lack of preparedness of our city to this kind
of weather. “The house where I
live is extremely poorly insulated. Our landlord asked us to
coming sick rather than scraping up more money for bills. “We
try to keep the heater on the cool
side to save money, but we’ve
raised it a bit lately to keep the
pipes warm,” said Meacham.
Warmer temperatures are expected, however, starting this
week and carrying into the next.
The “Arctic Front” may be in its
last throes. Still, some might
wonder at the weather-related fiascoes Charlottes-ville has experienced this
academic year.
First, a water
shortage affected many
parts of Virginia and some
other states due
to lack of rainfall, and now
the
cold
weather
affected the entire
Eastern Seaboard. Could
global warming
be behind all of
this? Meacham
courtesy havocstunts.com
states
that
Old Man Winter Is a Bastard
“people say it’s
have to take account of her heat- El Niño.” Also, he thinks that
ing too. We aren’t taping up win- “one year is far too small a sample
dows but we did cover up the to tell us anything about global
vents leading to the attic — the warming.” Meana states that she
air up there’s chilly and pours “just assume[s] [that] it is global
into the house whenever we open warming. All over the US they
are having cold spells. My father
the attic door.”
To add insult to injury, the was just in Las Vegas this past
heating oil, gas, and electricity week and it was 45 degrees —
bills skyrocketed for many. “My that is just crazy! And I heard
heating bills have been ex- Miami and Key West felt the 40s
tremely high the past few also.”
But, to every cloud there’s a
months,” said Meana. Secondyear German Yusufov said that silver lining. Meacham states: “I
his bills have been “pretty steep, hope it continues for a little bit,
especially considering that in and we get some snow — it would
December/January [he] was out be nice to look back on when it’s
of town for about half of the summer and the weather is
time.” So some students risk be- nasty.”
leave the cabinet under the sink
open, to let the room air circulate around the pipes to keep
them from freezing. We’re also
leaving the taps on a bit during
the chilliest nights to keep the
water flowing. We have a fireplace but haven’t used it much
because it’s not terribly effective, and it sends ash around
the room. The problem is that
our downstairs neighbor doesn’t
have her own thermostat — we
Virginia Law Weekly
Golden Girls: Sex in the City for the Aged?
Law school can be damn confusing. Sometimes I sit through class,
completely unaware of where the
professor has just taken me — which
may have resulted from my surfing
hotornot.com or — most likely —
from a whirlwind session in corporations. After a tough day “at the
office,” I come home feeling beaten
down, weary, and in need of, well,
some “dumb time.”
Meredith Young,
a second-year law
student, is a Law
Weekly columnist.
Dumb time is pretty much my
version of down time, but it involves
mindless entertainment and not an
ounce of intellectualism. One of the
best places to find such garbage in a
concentrated form is…Lifetime:
Television for Women.
Sometimes a girl just wants to
indulge in some thoughtless Lifetime fun; enter The Golden Girls.
On weekdays at 9 a.m., 10 a.m., 6
p.m., and 6:30 p.m., weeknights at
11 and 11:30 p.m., and Saturdays at
12 and 12:30 p.m., this show, which
the website indicates is about “four
single, young-at-heart women who
share a home — and eat cheesecake
— in Miami Beach, Florida,” is the
crown jewel of Lifetime. It is on almost incessantly. (Kind of reminds
me of A&E showing an average of 23
episodes of Law and Order per day.)
With a miraculous eight-year
run, from 1985 to 1992, the Golden
Girls, Blanche (Rue McClanahan),
Dorothy (Bea Arthur), Rose (Betty
White), and Sophia (Estelle Getty),
were really forerunners for another
group of women — albeit a bit
younger — the women from Sex
and the City (SATC).
Okay, so The Golden Girls may
chronicle the follies of women who’ve
already gone — or are going —
through menopause, but each character has her own charm — and
resemblance to a SATC character.
There’s slutty Blanche, the character whose sexual escapades are described in each episode. A dialogue
— thanks to the Ultimate Golden
Girls website — between Rose and
Blanche paints a pretty — or not so
pretty — picture:
Rose: “We should put out the
welcome mat.”
Blanche: “But honey, we don’t
have a welcome mat.”
Rose: “What about the one Dorothy always says is at the foot of
your bed?”
Conclusion: Blanche, the 60something vixen of TGG, was the
forerunner for Samantha Jones.
As indicated by the aforementioned quote, Rose is a bastion of
naïveté who perpetually irks the
three other women in the house
with her wacky stories of St. Olaf.
Although one may think it a stretch,
Rose’s child-like attitude and winsome behavior are parallels to that
of Charlotte York on SATC, whose
saucer-eyed expressions and lessthan-artful manner makes her the
most naïve among her more-sophisticated friends.
The last two Golden Girls, Sophia
Petrillo and Dorothy Zbornak, are
the mother-daughter duo of the set.
Sophia, an 80-something mother,
throws out the witticisms and makes
cracks left and right. In addition,
she wears funky outfits — okay, so
not really, but I’m trying — is selfdeprecating, and provides insight
about the other women in the house.
Read: Sophia is Carrie Bradshaw.
As Sophia’s daughter, Dorothy is
sarcastic, quick-witted and sharp.
Some would argue that she, um, is
the least attractive (but the smartest!) of the set: Dorothy is Miranda
Hobbes, the short-haired and sharptongued attorney on SATC.
The four women may not wear
Chanel and Manolo Blahniks as do
their younger counterparts in Manhattan, but they manage to get into
siuations as wild and wacky as those
of the Manhattanites. Some of my
favorite episodes of The Golden Girls
include those when:
•
The girls hide out in a men’s
locker room — dressed as male golfers
in Bermuda shorts and pastel sweaters — waiting for Bob Hope so they
can ask him to emcee at a charity
event Dorothy organizes;
•
Undercover detectives
camp out in their home in order to
catch neighboring jewel thieves —
which guest-starred George Clooney
as one of the agents;
•
A full moon leads to an
illicit kiss between Dorothy and
Miles, Rose’s then-special man
friend;
•
Sophia befriends an old
man at the boardwalk who, she
eventually learns, has Alzheimer’s
Disease and, in the same episode,
Rose’s treasured teddy bear, mistakenly given away by Blanche to a
“sweet” neighborhood child named
Daisy, is held for ransom;
•
Dorothy winds up trying
out for Jeopardy and makes it to the
final round. Before she can get on
the air, she has a dream sequence in
which she, Rose, and her neighbor
Charlie Dietz from Empty Nest (a
spin-off show from The Golden Girls)
play against one another — and
Dorothy loses! Alex Trebek guest
stars.
Ah, the poignancy — it’s all
summed up in the theme song,
“Thank You for Being a Friend.” I
never understood the line: “And you
would see / the biggest gift would be
from me / and the card attached
would say / thank you for being a
friend” — Why wouldn’t Blanche
just want a small aqua Tiffany’s box
instead? I guess I’ll never know, but
tune in to the Golden Girls to enjoy
the dumb time I’ve come to value.
Of Groundhogs
Groundhog Day, which is perhaps the most underrated holiday,
will make its yearly return this
Sunday. This is the day on which
Punxsutawney Phil comes out of
his simulated tree stump and miraculously decides the weather. Yes,
if he sees his shadow, which he has
seen 92 out of 115 years, there will
be six more weeks of winter. But if
he does not see his shadow and
chooses not to return to his slumber, then fair weather is on its way.
Man alive! I can’t stand the anticipation. Our snots have frozen long
enough. Serenity now!
Oreste McClung,
a second-year law
student, is a Law
Weekly columnist.
During the year, Phil, 15 pounds
of barometric might, has been staying strong by feeding on dog food
and ice cream at his home in the
Punxsutawney Library. Phil clearly
outclasses his oversized squirrel
brethren. He seems to have found
the fountain of youth. While he may
appear to be only a petal short of a
pansy because he is afraid of his
own shadow, he has lived to do so for
more than a century. He has dug his
way out of more holes for more years
than Strom Thurmond. Speaking of
death itself, should Phil kick the
bucket, he will go out in gracious
style. His handler is a funeral director, so Phil is sure to get a woodchuckfriendly coffin when his arteries can
no longer handle his steady diet of
Kibbles n’ Bits and Breyers.
They broke the mold when they
made Phil. It is not even clear from
his informational website whether
he hibernates anymore. Celebrity
marmots can be that cool. Yes, Phil
comes with burrowing powers included and no hibernation necessary. Normal groundhogs eat dan-
Columns
Friday, January 31, 2003
delion, clover, and grasses. Not Phil. Ghostbuster has been driven to the
Phil only pheeds on phatty phood. limits by the menacing marmot.
Phil even has a climate-controlled Bill, there is no Dana in
room in the Punxsutawney Library. Punxsutawney, only Zuul!
So, besides Phil’s amazing chaPhil is too sexy for his stump. The
aforementioned undertaker/rodent risma and the holiday’s elucidation
handler has said that Phil keeps of American culture, what else can
weird hours because he invented we take away from Groundhog Day?
the concept of “getting mad bitches” Well, Horsty McLiver says we are
and he always “keeps his grind on all like groundhogs. We are all, at
his bunny and his bunny on his times, homo gopherus, if you will.
We all dig holes for ourselves. Some
grind.”
Besides its main attraction, the holes we crawl out of fast — they are
just temporary
sexiest thing on
hiding places.
four legs, GroundOther holes we live
hog Day has a lot
in for a while beto offer in the value
cause they are
department.
comfortable, and
Groundhog Day is
eventually they
the epitome of
may be our homes.
American culture.
Some of us like to
Scottish, English,
hang out on golf
German, and Nacourses. Some of us
tive American tralove Twinkies and
dition have all
popcorn. Some of
merged to give us
us eat from our
this wonderful
courtesy groundhog.org
neighbor’s garden.
holiday. Yes, Phil,
who according to No Coat, No Tie, No Top Hat, Some of us have
No Rodent, No Service
riddles stemming
his website —
from our alternagroundhog.org —
only speaks Groundhogese, likes tive appellations. Some of us get
to emphasize that the United States associated with sewage-eating
of America is, and always was, a varmints while others of us get holimelting pot. He despises tossed days named after us.
Yes, we cannot all be Big Man on
salad metaphors. It is this type of
moxie that causes over 30,000 people Campus like Phil, but he gives us
a year to make the trek to some hope. He takes it easy for the rest of
small town in Pennsyltucky just to us. Maybe Phil should run for Presisee a glorified rat shake his hairy dent. Who wouldn’t vote for the
rump. Scorsese, what are you going Marmot Party? After all, one man’s
rat is another man’s beaver. One
to do about it?
Not only does Groundhog Day man’s elephant is another man’s
stand to remind us of American donkey. What? Shut up.
Phil wonders why everyone always
History, but also, once a year, we
are sure to recall the living legend has to hate. Phil has only love. He is
that is Bill Murray. Surely, no one one with all things. Phil and peanut
can forget the amazing struggle the butter make peanut butter and jelly.
comedian has had with the gutsy Phil and me make us. Phil and you
gopher throughout his movie ca- make us. P-H-I-L Phil! Phil! Phil!
If you don’t get it, go dig yourself
reer. Be it in Caddyshack or Groundhog Day, the best-known a hole.
5
Dedicated to Certain 1Ls
I don’t really need to write a
column this week. I mean, is it me,
or didn’t I have a column just a week
ago? Do I have anything else to say?
No.
Jean Marie Hackett,
a third-year law
student, is a Law
Weekly columnist.
Do I really need more publicity?
I don’t think so.
Isn’t it enough that I am forced to
hold a vigil on the Law School
website 24/7? Do I need my picture
in the Law Weekly too?
I’m tired. Please give my face a
rest. I can only smile for so long.
“Columns Queen J.M.H.” is a
rather tough title to live up to. So I
won’t even try.
To be honest, I am starting to feel
like a broken record. I drink coffee,
made just the way I like it. I eat an
excessive amount of peanut butter,
with everything, especially chocolate. I go to the gym. I write columns
with gratuitously sexy titles just so
people will read them. I like to get
up early in the morning. I wear a
Hanes wife-beater tank top almost
every single day. I couldn’t care less
what anyone thinks about that. And
so on.
Are you sick of me yet? I am.
The Law Weekly has rendered
me a caricature of myself.
I’ve become so…obvious.
What happened? Do you remember a time when I wrote provocative
things that offended people? Do you
remember when I wrote things that
sounded so miserable that Dean
Harmon felt compelled to ask my
peer advisor if I was “OKAY?” When
the hell did I become someone who
smiled??
Sigh. It’s not easy being…not
unhappy.
When I was a first-year in law
school, back in the year 2000-01,
there wasn’t much that made me
happy. And there was a lot that
pissed me off.
First, I was not a section “joiner.”
I thought the concept of a section
was — for lack of a more impressive-sounding word — retarded.
I thought:
Do I look like a five-year old who
needs to hold hands with 29 other
people on my way to class every
hour? Why do I have peer “advisors”
who are younger than I am? Why do
I have a peer advisor who talks
about me behind my back? Why do
peer advisors go through an extensive selection process when all they
do is put candy in my mailbox? Why
is there a 1L informational meeting
or section meeting or career services meeting every goddamn week,
so that people can talk to me for an
excessive amount of time about
something that is pointless or not
helpful or that could at the very
least be summarized succinctly in
an e-mail instead of wasting my
fucking precious time? Why must I
go to potluck dinners or eat pizza at
6 p.m. with the people I sit in class
with all fucking day, or else incur
the wrath of those 29 people who
can’t, for some reason, understand
why I would rather go to the gym?
And who eats dinner at 6 p.m. anyway? Why are my best friends supposed to be those people that I was
randomly placed into a section with?
Why would people play softball on
purpose?
It was all so, so third grade.
It was all so seventh grade.
It was all so icky.
In sum, everything pissed me off.
And I thought Charlottesville
sucked.
One of the few things that brought
me joy as a 1L was getting up early
in the morning. I got an amazing
rush of well-being simply from being at the Law School at 7 a.m. I
used to walk into the reading room
of the library and say to myself,
“The library is mine.” Really. I actu-
ally said it inside my head. I loved
being the first one there. (Of course
I never was there after 4 p.m., but
still.)
It made me feel superior.
In fact, I hated my first year so
much, all I cared about was working hard so that I could transfer. I
thought U.Va. Law was the most
ridiculous place on the planet.
People drink at horse races? Men
play softball? People get written
about in the school newspaper if
they hook up? The Commissioners
are real? People actually want to
join all of these lame, dorky law
school organizations?
And now? Don’t push your luck
— I still think this environment is
ridiculous. But what environment
isn’t? And it can’t bother you unless
you let it. Further, I must admit
that as a 3L, I miss my peer advisors
— some of them. Does anyone remember Laura Killinger? I loved
her — because she was my biggest
fan. No matter how much I refused
to join, or published weird things in
the Law Weekly, Laura thought I
was great. I never asked her to root
for me. And she didn’t have to. But
she did, and I will never forget that.
As for my section, as much as I
hated the way I felt that we were all
forced to be friends, I realized after
taking a step back that many people
in my section were my friends. And
would remain my friends.
My desire to transfer dissipated
in the Spring of 2001. First, there
was Feb Club. Second, there was
the Libel Show. Third, it was so
warm that spring that I returned
from finals looking like I had spent
two weeks at Club Med. Finally, our
two first-year courses were comprised of just two sections, G & H,
and by that time I think I liked
them both.
But substantially, I am still the
same. I eat peanut butter. I go to the
gym. I drink coffee. I write columns
with gratuitously sexy titles. I get
up early in the morning. I wear a
Hanes wife-beater tank top almost
every single day.
And I couldn’t care less if anyone
has a problem with that.
So this column is dedicated to the
1Ls who think that U.Va. Law is a
ridiculous place. You might not come
forward and admit it, but I know
you are out there. I’d like to take
this opportunity to be your Laura
Killinger.
Because sometimes even a
Reese’s Peanut Butter cup in the
mailbox just isn’t enough.
“
Faculty Quotes
(continued)
J. Harrison: “As of a few
seconds ago, the wireless
network is down. As you
can imagine, I know feel a
heavier weight of responsibility.”
G. Cohen: “Whoever has
the seating chart, pick a
name.”
Student with seating
chart: [pause] “That’s mean.”
G. Cohen: “Yeah, it’s kind
of making someone else do
your dirty work for you.”
Student: [pause]
G. Cohen: “You answer
it, then.”
L. BeVier: “Okay, let’s
turn to Hustler.”
T. Nachbar: “You’re
thinking like a business
lawyer, not an academic
lawyer. You’re coming up
with solutions. There’ll be
no solutions in this class.”
Friday, January 31, 2003
Enjoy the Food, But Count the Parts
Being a true southern gal, however, I had to try the one restaurant in Charlottesville that
screams of my Carolina home.
Wayside Takeout squats in the
corner of Dürty Nelly’s parking
lot, looks like an abandoned shack,
and smells like a grease fire. It’s a
beacon for rednecks — even wingswary rednecks like me.
I had heard that this littleknown purveyor of “Ole Virginia”
chicken was a haven for fried
chicken lovers and the outfittings
of the restaurant fit the bill. Inside what might more adequately
be described a trailer, Wayside
has only one or two booths available, and the only real decorations
are the menu board and the signs
for specials. The wood paneling
and sparse décor are reminiscent
of a middle school canteen. It looks
like the perfect place for delicious
yet simple food to hide.
Although Wayside Takeout’s
primary menu items are fried
chicken in boxes and buckets, they
also have some traditional grill
fare like hamburgers, hoagies, and
barbeque sandwiches. More surprisingly, they also offer clam,
Fe b
C l u b!
January 31 — The First Night of Feb Club
From Alderman with Love
Geoff Fasel, Jeff Barnes, Scott Berg, Bayne Johnston
Alderman Road
February 1
Revenge of the Nerds
Law Review (Erica Paulson)
The Tavern
February 2
Drinking Games
Rob, Brian, Tom, Kappy
Wayne Avenue
Febrary 3
Small Room, 40 Oz.s
Stu Shapley
120 Ivy Gardens, #11
February 4
DJ Tanner Makeout Party
Jeremy, Carsten, Heep, Amy
Morningwood Farms
Kate Horsley,
a third-year law
student, is a Law
Weekly columnist.
Employment Law
In 2002, a zookeeper in
Recklingshausen, Germany filed
an employment grievance, claiming that he was wrongfully terminated despite the fact that zoo
officials found him barbecuing and
eating seven of his animals (five
mountain chickens from Tibet and
two sheep from the Cameroons).
After the hearing, the zoo was
forced to pay the hasty chef six
months’ worth of severance pay.
In 1993, the Vermont Supreme
Court heard the case of Mary
Hodgdon, a woman who was fired
from the Mount Mansfield resort
for failing to wear her false teeth.
The management was quoted as
saying, “Employees [are] expected
to have teeth and wear them daily
to work.” In 1996, Joyce Stratton,
51, won a one-million-dollar age
discrimination suit against her
employer who had fired her in favor of a twenty-one-year-old
woman. Stratton had worked for
the New York City Department
for the Aging.
Statutory Law
In 2003, Bend, Oregon’s town
council made a formal pronouncement that spitting and defecating
is forbidden on transit buses, as
are riders who exude “a grossly
repulsive odor” (Salem Statesman
Journal, Jan. 14, 2003). In 1995,
the Supreme Court of South Korea overturned a ban on marriage
between persons of the same last
name, saying that such a marriage was permissible as long as it
was first recognized outside the
country. The ban had put major
limitations on the dating options
of the nation since 43 percent of
the population are named either
Park, Lee, or Kim.
Women’s Rights
In 1996, the highest appellate
court of Italy found that sporadic
instances of wife-beating in an otherwise pleasant marriage did not
constitute domestic violence. Domestic violence, the court determined, required ongoing and intentional domination. In 1991,
the Supreme Court of Brazil overturned the “legitimate defense of
honor” plea, a longstanding legal
defense to the murder of an unfaithful wife or her lover. Also, in
D
by Alison Haddock
So you’re a woman going in for
probably the scariest surgery of
your life: a hysterectomy. The last
thing on this planet that you’d like
to hear is that your surgeon has
taken the time during this procedure to brand the initials of his
alma matter — in fact — on your
uterus. That is exactly what happened to Lexington, Kentucky’s
Stephanie Means. Her physician
branded her internal organs with
two-inch high letters, “UK” (as in
University of Kentucky), an act he
— brilliantly — caught on tape. As
freakish as this may seem, this
profession of ours is not without
its own quirky awfulness. What
better time to remind our gentle
readers about the loopy legal landscape in which they will soon take
part? Chuck Shepherd’s News of
the Weird highlights some of the
most notable examples.
C
February 6
Anything for a Dollar
Carlos, Joe, Louis, Andy, and Scott
8U
R
O
SS
W
O
R
February 5
Rockstars & Groupies
Dan, JT, Patrick, Craig
2401 Bennington Rd.
N
C’ville Dining
in a Nutshell
was having a brush with mortality when I realized the date penciled was only a day or two away.
Second, the six rolls, which had
sounded so delicious in the restaurant, were unveiled to reveal obviously store-bought and repackaged
bread. At least I recognized the
kind and knew I would like them.
Finally, the chicken, when taken
out and counted out, amassed a
strange array of chicken parts
which were not exactly what the
special designated — we counted
two wings, one thigh, three
breasts, and three legs. We definitely got more than eight pieces,
but if we had happened to have
two thigh lovers in our group, it
certainly wouldn’t have been more
for the money.
But,
of
course,
I
should get to
the most important part of
my food review; how the
food actually
tasted. The
cole slaw, as
one of my
friends best
summarized,
photo by Scott Meacham would “be excellent if I had
The Wayside Takeout: Frying Up the Chicken
made them,
and Keeping It Simple
but would be
my prize. One major plus to a only OKAY if I paid for them.” The
Wayside Takeout is that carrying beans were fairly typical in taste,
a bag of chicken and fixins makes but definitely had the markings
you feel more like you are bringing that they had been simmering for
home a meal than carting in a bag a while. The chicken, however, was
full of burgers or box full of pizza. very good — crispy and fatty and
Regrettably, once we actually very salty, which we all agreed
opened the bag, I felt a little less true fried chicken should be. My
smug about my “bread-bringer” overall recommendation for this
status. First, the cole slaw was highly (and maybe overly) recomconspicuously labeled with a hand- mended restaurant — stick with
written “sell by” date. I do appre- the eight, 12,16, 20, or 24 piece
ciate the attempt to make sure chicken-only buckets and stay
food stays fresh, but I felt like I away from the sides.
shrimp, fish, and liver dinners. I
decided, in the spirit of discovering the extraordinary, to try the
lauded chicken. My order of eight
pieces (two wings, two thighs, two
breasts, and two legs), came with
two sides (I picked baked beans
and cole slaw, but macaroni salad,
potato salad, potatoes and gravy,
French fries, onion rings, and hush
puppies were also available) and
six rolls, and rang up at $12.05. I
felt like I was getting a deal when
I walked out the door with money
left in my pocket and a large bag of
food in my hand.
Since I felt as though I was
relatively unversed in the ways of
fried chicken preparation, presentation, and consumption, I headed
over to a friend’s house to share
O
I don’t like fried chicken. Or to
be more precise, I don’t like fried
chicken that is not followed by the
words nuggets, strips, or sandwich. I’m the kinda gal who prefers my poultry to be flattened,
and pressed into conspicuously
non-chicken-like shapes before it’s
battered and cooked. Why take
the time to cut around bones yourself when some machine or underpaid worker can do it for you?
Stranger than Fiction
TI
Virginia Law Weekly
LU
Features
SO
6
1995, the Canadian Bar Association held a three-day session on
sexism in the legal profession.
Organizers kicked off the conference with a toga party.
Worker’s Compensation
In 1996, the Oklahoma Supreme Court determined that
Elmer O. Dulen was entitled to
worker’s compensation because he
was “on the job” when (more likely
than not) faulty railroad equipment caused a train to collide with
Dulen’s truck. This despite the
fact that a witness remembers
Dulen saying at that he and his codriver were having sex during the
crash. Dulen, unsurprisingly, denied having said that, but did admit that his pants were pulled
down and the other driver was
clothed in only a T-shirt. In Washington State, the Supreme Court
reversed the conviction of Benjamin R. Hull for defrauding the
state’s workers’ compensation office. Hull confessed that he had
conspired with a friend to blast a
shotgun through the lower part of
his left leg. Although Hull received
$96,000 for the injury, he swore
that he did not injure himself for
money, but to relieve the excruciating pain he’d had since a 1973
accident. (Five years previous,
Hull attempted to cut off his leg
with a chain saw, but ultimately
could not finish the job because
the saw kept malfunctioning.)
Family Law
An Illinois court denied Albert
B. Friedman the right to collect on
some of the attorney’s fees he incurred during a divorce case because the billable hours included
time spent sleeping with his client. Friedman was also a recent
appointee to the Illinois Supreme
Court’s Committee on Character
and Fitness. In Hong Kong, a legislator by the name of Eric Li introduced a bill intended to
strengthen the family. His proposal bans extramarital affairs
that produce children or require
financial support. However, if the
affair involves neither of these
conditions and lasts for under two
years, it would be perfectly legal.
Finally, in 1995, Pennsylvania’s
Lehigh Valley Legal Services filed
a lawsuit on behalf of a 16-yearold rapist who sought custody of
his victim’s child. The group sought
to overturn a state law that denies
rapists custody rights.
Judges
In 1996, Kevin C. Maben
brought suit against Ripley,
Tennessee’s county judge Billy
Wayne Williams. Williams, a retired highway patrolman with no
legal training, sentenced Maben
to jail for failure to make car payments despite the fact that the
law clearly affords Maben a jury
trial. The judge defended his position, saying, “No, I do not pull
[out] the [statute] book on every
case that comes up. I’d be sitting
over there [in the law library] 24
hours a day.” In 1997, Rodney L.
Turner, a part-time municipal
judge, called into work saying he
would be late due to detention
after being arrested for a DUI.
Turner was slated to hear a full
docket of DUI cases that day.
Just a little slice of the exciting
world of the law, and a little more
reason to enjoy law school while it
lasts.
Virginia Law Weekly
Friday, January 31, 2003
Reviews
7
Little Pink Houses — For Me, Ennui
I went to Montpelier last weekend. Not because I wanted to, because I rarely want to do anything
in the winter, when the sky is gray
and the smart animals hide in caves
and live off their own sweet blubber, but because I couldn’t think of
any good reasons not to. One has to
do things sometimes.
1
1
House Review
by Nick Benjamin
The road to Montpelier, like most
winter roads, was depressing. All of
the trees were dead and the meadows were frosted with a lifeless,
colorless layer of snow. The sky was
blue, but it didn’t seem that way
surrounded by so much death. The
elderly driver contributed to the
general morbidity by playing some
early Tom Waits, who, if he’s not
dead, sounds like he wants to be. I
know I want him to be.
Montpelier is pink. I feel like
that’s not an appropriate color for
the house of a Founding Father.
That all faded when Sally Ruth- out being ostentatious, lightly flutJames Madison’s house should be
white, or brick, or maybe even a erford walked into my life. As soon tering just a few tantalizing centilight yellow. It should be stern and as my eyes refocused and my pupils meters from her ample, life-sustainsomber, or possibly dour and forbid- dilated (actually, my left pupil never ing bosom. Covering her eyes, and
ding; it shouldn’t inspire visions of un-dilates, but that’s neither here much of her face, were a pair of
cheetah-striped bifoLiberace beating
cals. This woman
away at a gold piano
clearly enjoyed the
in the atrium. Morehunt. Her hair looked
over, a home should
abrasive.
blend with its surSally was the tour
roundings; it should
guide, and she took
be at one with nature
her job very serilike the swan is with
ously. It appeared
the pond, like the pig
that she wasn’t very
is with the trough.
busy, but that was
Pink clashes with
perhaps merely a regray.
flection of her skill.
So I walked through
She immediately
Montpelier’s doors
swooped in on me and
(how big does a house
my companions, welhave to be to get a
courtesy Orange County Chamber of Commerce
coming us to James
name?) feeling deA Little Color in the Drab Winter Scenery
Madison’s house, repressed and pissed off
at the same time. Depressed be- nor there), Sally was there, stand- minding us that the Constitution,
cause everything was dying or dead, ing (or should I say floating, like a above all, was what binds us toincluding wee James Madison, and child of the ether) right in front of gether, not just as Americans, but
pissed off because the pinkness was me. She was wearing large black as people. Since, at the bottom, that’s
taking the edge off a perfectly good galoshes and a pair of baggy pants all we are. People.
Sally, as much as it pains me to
bout of depression, getting in be- made of an indeterminate subtween me and death, misery and stance, possibly burlap. Her blouse say anything bad about someone so
what was and will never be again. was half tucked-in, audacious with- earnest and prune-like, was a mo-
ron. And Montpelier was one of the
most pathetic museums and monuments I’ve ever seen. There were
only four rooms that even pretended
to have anything to do with the
early 19th century, and one of the
displays was dedicated to Dolley
Madison’s biography of her husband, which was one page long.
Dolley was not a strong writer.
The highlight of the tour was the
1950s era kitchen, which was used
by the DuPonts, who bought the
house from little James’ dissolute
relatives, as a “warming station.” A
mouse’s nest containing some red
damask, a pen, and a few strips of
weathered manuscript had been
found underneath one of the floorboards of the room, leading Sally to
the bold and exciting claim that
James Madison had been reincarnated as a mouse, and that when he
wasn’t eating cheese and harvesting red damask, he was writing a
new Constitution using his little
mouse paws.
Though preservation is a great
thing when it’s done right, there’s
something to be said for allowing
nature to run its course.
About Schmidt: Jack’s Back (And Kathy Bates’ Boobies)
Perhaps there’s a little irony in
the fact that Jack Nicholson had
already started making rounds on
the lifetime achievement award
circuit before anyone saw About
Schmidt, in which Nicholson delivers what will surely go down as
one of the definitive roles of his
already impressive career.
Nicholson’s portrayal of the aging
Warren Schmidt has already garnered him the Golden Globe for
best actor in a drama and a SAG
nomination, and it will almost certainly earn an Oscar nomination,
if not victory. And every single
nomination and award is deserved.
Movie Review
by Carsten Reichel
About Schmidt picks up
Warren’s story on his last day of
work as assistant vice president
for the actuary division of the
Woodmen of the World Insurance
Company in Omaha. At his retirement party that night, amidst
toasts saluting his lifetime in the
business, Warren becomes peculiarly aware that he has basically
accomplished nothing. Despite the
grand plans he hatched as a youth,
he has wound up here — soon to be
quickly forgotten and easily replaced by a Drake business graduate.
And this is just the beginning of
Warren’s crossroads. Not the
Britney Spears version, and not
even the Bone Thugs ‘n Harmony
version. His is the mother of all
crossroads. In addition to his retirement and the recognition of
his life’s pathos, his daughter
Jeannie is set to marry the bemulleted Randall, a waterbed
salesman who invests in pyramid
schemes on the side. And as if that
wasn’t enough, days into his retirement his wife Helen dies suddenly. It’s not that he liked her
that much (she did, after all, make
him pee sitting down despite his
promises to keep the toilet seat
clean), but Warren absolutely depended on her. In the weeks after
her death, Warren manages to turn
her pristine Midwestern abode into
a place that looks like my roommates lived there. When things go
bad for Warren, they go really bad.
Lacking any reason to stay in
Omaha, Warren heads to Denver,
ostensibly to help his daughter
with her wedding planning, in a
Winnebago that was to be his retirement cruiser. When she spurns
his help, however, he finds him-
self with nowhere to go and a 35foot motor home, and he sets out
on a Thoreau-like journey of selfdiscovery. He chronicles his voyage and gets his therapy in letters
to Ndugu, a six-year-old Tanza-
courtesy New Line Cinema
nian boy he has “adopted” after
responding to a TV ad. Ndugu becomes both Warren’s purpose and
his vent, and in these letters we
see him both release his many
frustrations and start to come to
grips with his life.
As he travels, Warren becomes
convinced that he must stop
Jeannie’s pending nuptials. Upon
his arrival in Denver to accomplish
this task, he meets Roberta,
Randall’s eccentric mother, as well
as the rest of his soon-to-be in-laws
(including the original Johnny Fever, Howard Hesseman — it’s nice
to see Mr. Moore got his career
back). Kathy Bates’ portrayal of the
free-spirited Roberta provides a
perfect foil to Nicholson’s uneasy
Schmidt, and hers is the second
truly noteworthy performance of the
film. In perhaps one of the funniest
and most awkward scenes in recent
movie history, Bates gives new
meaning to the term “box office flop”
when Roberta casually strips down
and attempts to seduce Warren
during a soak in her hot tub. Be
warned upfront: no body doubles
were used, and there is a reason
Kathy Bates makes her public appearances in baggy clothes.
While the film is certainly worthwhile for Nicholson’s and Bates’ stellar performances, About Schmidt is
about more than just good acting.
Writer and director Alexander
Payne brings both a provocative
script and a deft directorial touch to
its realization.
The writing captures both the
tragedy and the humor in Warren’s
pathos, bringing us full circle from a
man who can’t let go of anything to
a man who has to let go of everything. He has placed his finger on
the pulse of the traditional 60-some-
thing Midwesterner and reported
accurately, without limiting his audience, that demographic — the script
works equally well as a cautionary
tale for those just entering their careers and are sure that they will never
end up so sad as Warren.
The direction is equally commendable. Clearly familiar with the
“dark comedy” genre (he was also
behind 1999’s brilliant Election),
Payne understands the pacing of
such a film — when his audience
needs to laugh, when they need to
look away, and when they just have
to wince at Warren’s life. Payne also
understands how to work with his
talent — he smartly recognizes that
Nicholson has one of the most expressive faces of our time and uses
it to the film’s great advantage.
While he does take a few missteps
— Dermot Mulroney’s Randall, for
instance, is too much a parody of
himself to be effective — they are
few and far between.
About Schmidt is certainly a
must-see for any fan of Nicholson or
Bates. Believe the hype you will
hear about their performances in
the upcoming Oscar season and see
it for the acting alone. But realize,
too, that it’s also worthwhile for
Payne’s script and directorial touch.
If nothing else, when’s the next time
you’ll see Kathy Bates naked?
NyQuil vs. The World
So you decided to support the
economy by purchasing a medicinal product made by Vicks, a proud
member of the Procter & Gamble
family. Good for you!
C’ville Dining
in a Nutshell
by Brent Olson
However, there are a lot of Vicks
products out in the marketplace;
how will you possibly know which
one is right for you? You could
read the labels to find out which
specific symptoms each one will
combat, but that’s what they would
expect you to do, isn’t it? And the
last thing we’d want to do is play
into their hands, right?
So instead, sit back and let this
highly biased review do your thinking for you. And when you’re done
reading it, cut it out and duct tape
it to someplace handy — your forearm perhaps — so it will be with
you always.
Now the key to understanding
Vicks products is recognizing
that there are really only three
of them: NyQuil, VapoRub, and tradition, the infield fly rule, or ers, I mean creators, didn’t mean
for their products to be used — i.e.
Other. Sure, Vicks may list other something practical.
Under original intent analysis, they didn’t expect people to atproducts on its web site, such as
DayQuil, Vicks 44, nasal sprays we ask ourselves how the creators tempt to hallucinate with VapoRub
and whatnot, but those products of these fine products intended and they certainly didn’t expect
people desperate to find
really don’t matter. I
any non-rubbing alcohol in
mean, the only time you
their house to drink the
need to take DayQuil is
rest of the NyQuil.
when you were so sick you
So I guess under the origiforgot to take NyQuil the
nal intent analysis people
night before, in which case
would only use these prodyou should take NyQuil anyucts for actual illnesses, not
way.
And
cough
to facilitate vices.
suppressants and nasal deI suppose now I should
congestants are all fine and
do tradition-based analygood, but why buy them
sis, but something tells me
separately when both
I would get the same anVapoRub and NyQuil can
swers, or lack thereof, that
handle those symptoms
my original intent analyplus much more?
sis gave me. So instead, I’ll
Yes,
NyQuil
and
photo by Alison Perine
just give you one tradition
VapoRub truly are the king
Smooth, Mellow Oblivion or Flaming
tidbit; if you were one of
and queen of Vicks prodMentholatum: When Laughter Really Isn’t the
those kids whose parents
ucts — or the Wookie and
Best Medicine
forced you to use VapoRub
Ewok if you prefer Star
them to be used. While I suppose whenever you had a cold and you
Wars metaphors.
But the real question that I’ve you could just read the directions screamed bloody murder all night
been cleverly avoiding until now to find out, we already decided long until your deaf white cat with
is this — which is best, NyQuil or above that you shouldn’t read any blue eyes named Muffy felt the
VapoRub? Fortunately, there are labels for yourself (see the third vibrations of your screams in her
several metrics we can use to judge paragraph). So instead let’s start skull and she leapt onto your head
these products: original intent, with how I’m pretty sure the fram- and dug her claws in until they
drew blood, then I’d suggest you
buy NyQuil instead.
Now for some useful analysis.
What symptoms do you have, or
expect to have in the future? For
instance, do you plan to suffer from
sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, and fever all at the
same time, and ideally at around 10
p.m.? If so, NyQuil is the medicine
for you. But if you hate drinking
cherry-flavored medicine, or original flavor, then you should probably get the LiquiCaps variety,
which is much less effective. Medicine must taste bad or come in family-sized pills without gel coating to
be truly effective.
On the other hand, if you need
a nasal decongestant, cough suppressant, or topical analgesic —
and boy we all need one of those —
then VapoRub is the medicine for
you. By the by, analgesic means
something along the lines of reducing pain from soreness. So if
someone slid into second base and
your calf happened to get in the
way, or if your nose is a widdle bit
stuffy, VapoRub would be the product for you.
Happy Shopping!
8
Law School Life
NGSL’S
V
Virginia Law Weekly
Where Have All The 3L’s Gone,
Long Time Passing?
ANGUARD
OF
Forgive us for getting right to the
point, but there’s a lot to get to and VG
is a little tired — we took the red-eye
back from San Diego last night after
dancing on the field during halftime
of the Super Bowl. Did you see us with
our orange U.Va. Law sweatshirts?
Sweet, huh? Shania loves VG!
Last Tuesday night was 3L C.C.’s
birthday party. Acquaintances
brought her flowers at Baja Bean
while close friends sang her karaoke
biographical parodies, including 3Ls
C.K. and T.W.’s version of “Man
Hater” to the tune of Hall & Oates’
“Maneater.” C.C. doesn’t remember much of the night after she
consumed the infamous “triple
vodka shot.” VG wonders if this is
some kind of metaphor.
On Wednesday night the NGSL
was surprisingly attentive during a
well choreographed meeting regarding the annual softball tourney.
DEMOCRACY
After the meeting, things went rapidly downhill. At St. Maarten’s there
was a beer tab (read: no liquor tab)
but that did not stop Commissioners from doing shots of cheap liquor.
See, e.g., 3L T.W. at school on Thursday morning, disheveled and just
plain reeking of alcohol. Won’t someone give little Porkchop a shower?
Also at Maarten’s, 2L J.S. took time
out from his busy schedule of courting newly-single 2L C.H., only to
explain to 2L A.S. that he had the
capacity to “split her in half.” If dat
don’t land a lady, VG doesn’t know
what will. Eventually the NGSL
tab ran dry — after the whole school
drank fo’ free — and everyone left
Maarten’s, except for 3L K.B., who
remained to play her beloved Photo
Hunt, accompanied only by an unshaven townie. But, then again, that’s
not really a change of pace for K.B.
Apparently the Alderman Road
Friday, January 31, 2003
house tried to win VG’s award this
year for “Most Damage Caused on a
Wednesday Night.” After destroying the last of their intact furniture,
3Ls S.B. and B.J. retired to the
backyard to spin some donuts in
S.B.’s auto. This prompted the local
authorities to awaken 2L J.B.
shortly after 3 a.m. to straighten
out the mess. This story has VG a
little confused however, because 3L
E.J. claims to have brought J.B. back
to Alderman on Thursday morning.
Perhaps it wasn’t Thursday, E.J.?
Perhaps it wasn’t J.B.?
Speaking of Alderman and Thursday morning — 3L G.F. was in his
vigilant wife’s, 3L A.K.’s, doghouse
because he was AWOL, only to emerge
later from the apartment of 2L L.M.
What was going on there?
The Shivs and Hung Jury had a
gig at the Coupe’s Bar Review on
Thursday night. VG likes it when
these guys play. There’s nothing
like being serenaded by 3L D.S.’s
sweet saxophone solos, especially
those old Aussie favorites. It reminds VG of that summer in Perth…
And the Shivs — 3L L.D.’s schizophrenic plea for her the return of
her captive salad bowl is simply
haunting. Unsurprisingly, El
Presidente traded saliva with an
unknown partner while S.B. traded
golden liquid with the bar.
On Friday night 2L DJ J.L. kicked
the tunes on three pumping floors of
gyrating pleasure at the Preston
home of 2Ls J.A., B.B., M.S., and
S.T. to commemorate the 30th birthdays of M.S. and S.T. 2L D.L. showed
up in a costume disturbingly reminiscent of drug-addled writer
Hunter S. Thompson, and 2L E.T.
came dressed as a “disco hottie” —
VG isn’t sure that “disco hottie” is a
category. Can you picture it? Gosh,
PHOTO GALLERY
photo by Sarah Levine
“Go Team! (Yeah, I know it was the
Bucs and not the Dolphins, but it was
still a Florida team! Hell, yeah!
Miami, Tampa Bay, what’s the diff’?)”
photo by Alison Perine
photo by Alison Perine
“Who’re you calling ‘bald,’ you knuckledragging Neanderthal?”
Doug Leslie’s Employment Law: The
Story of a Class That’s Gone to the Dogs
The Weekly Crossword
Edited by Wayne Robert Williams
AS THE WORD TURNS
By Willy A. Wiseman, New York, New York
1
6
12
15
19
20
21
22
23
25
26
27
28
30
31
32
33
36
37
39
41
44
45
46
47
50
51
52
53
54
57
58
59
62
64
66
69
70
72
73
75
76
77
79
80
81
83
86
87
89
90
91
92
ACROSS
moles?
“Blue” singer LeAnn
96 Work unit
Lug laboriously
97 Russian
Liquid sample
empresses
Assns.
99 Garr of “Close
Fanon of the pope
Encounters of
Soviet newspaper
the Third
Lower digit
Kind”
Criminal, to a cop
100 Scot’s cap
Hints on skewer use?
103 France, once
AAA suggestion
105 Rib-eye
Even one time
alternative
Sundries
106 Abuses
Make off with
108 Inter __
Santa Maria’s sister ship
(among
__ Plaines, IL
other things)
Biddies
109 Groovy,
Real strong Java
updated
Non-clerical
110 Anubis?
Goes to a diner just for
113 Crash-site
cake?
grp.
Obstruct
114 Simpson
“Studies in the Psychology
grandpa
of Sex” author Havelock 115 Baseball bird
Bizarre
116 __-Saxon
More sedate
117 Golf shop
Black of Burgundy
purchase
Member of a Catholic
118 Golf
order
standard
Broccoli piece
119 Pestered
National syst.
120 Bellow and
Feudal serf
Kripke
Bennett of Random House
Guitarist Atkins
DOWN
Employ
1 Dressed as a judge
Snap up
2 Steamed
Star in Cygnus
3 Cohn and Connelly
Without coercion
4 Dresden’s river
Rock shelf
5 Boils
Prize for the best
6 Rejects with disdain
marijuana?
7 Pleat
Mystery award
8 Toppers
Behaves coquettishly
9 Gladiators’ 56
Never existed
10 Key-punch bus.
Tiny amount
11 Travel document
Rationers of WWII
12 Thoroughfare
“Auld Lang __”
13 Scintillas
Part of a hammerhead
14 Strips for bed?
Arm bone
15 Broad-minded
Deck officer
16 Issued a strong product
Call for
condemnation?
Most substantial
17 Marine pineapple?
Yemen port
18 Hose attachment
Magazine staffers
24 Middling marks
Imperial
29 Verifiable
Flippant
33 Pin box
Renter
34 Mach-breakers’ letters
Parlors frequented by
35 Sharif of “Lawrence of
solution p. 6
37
38
40
41
42
43
45
47
48
49
50
53
55
56
58
59
60
61
63
65
67
68
71
74
Arabia”
Gossip
Function
__ together (connected)
Overwhelms
In a vague way
Masqueraded as Satan?
Letters on cameras
RPM part
Urgent letters?
Still standing
Feverish
Govt. financial grp.
Slips by
Absolute power
Retrieve
Med. personnel
Post-dusk
Part of Can.
Stephen of “The Crying
Game”
Welcomes
Soak up rays
Puts on
Extra thong?
Create lace
78
79
80
82
83
84
85
87
88
89
90
Tennis doubles?
Hideous
Sheep bleats
Champagne choice
Gained support from
Water of Mexico
Blast it!
Grand
Adenauer
Check horses
Bridal wreath and
meadowsweet
92 Washington Post
journalist David
93 Smother
94 Tried
95 Correct: pref.
98 Addis __, Eth.
100 South Korean city
101 Not the least bit
102 IBM feature from 1981
104 Sci. classes
106 Synthesizer maker
107 Author Ferber
111 __ pro nobis
112 Musician’s booking
you’re so…disco hottie…ok, maybe
it does work. 2L S.T. seemed to be
proud of his Don Johnson outfit and
2L M.L. found the look appealing as
she loudly offered up an “oral” birthday present (note: no significant others were harmed by this proposition).
Apparently, 2L C.L. doesn’t go for
white suits, but rather smoky 2L C.J.
— the two were seen looking quite
friendly by the end of the evening.
Also on Friday, in an impromptu
beer pong extravaganza in the basement of the Wayne Avenue house,
3Ls K.B., C.C., E.P., R.H., D.H.,
T.W., J.K., J.V., and M.A. defiled
themselves. E.P. kicked J.V.’s butt
in beer pong and K.B. pummeled
D.H. in flippie cup, mano a mano.
Bets had been placed on the events
and those betting on ladies clearly
made out — as J.K. remarked about
D.H.: “My horse is dead.” One small
male victory came when D.H. and
R.H. tackled E.P. as she tried to escape across the backyard with R.H.’s
Britney Spears “tapestry.”
D.H. also made news on Saturday night when he demonstrated
for some close friends his acting
talent. That night also included the
public unveiling of 3L A.R.’s out-oftowner at Brown’s Mountain. And
late night at 3Ls A.B. and C.Z.’s
apartment included an unlikely
physical confrontation between host
C.Z. and 3L N.M., and the even less
likely congregation of 3Ls N.D., N.F.,
P.P., and a tin of Skoal Mint, in
A.B.’s bathroom. Apparently that
lasted until sun-up.
That’s all, folks – send your gossip to vinnyvanguard@yahoo.com
VANGUARD OF DEMOCRACY is an
independent column and does
not necessarily represent the
views of the editors of the Virginia Law Weekly.
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