The Big Book of Jerkcity, 2nd Ed.
Transcription
The Big Book of Jerkcity, 2nd Ed.
BUT IT IS NOT BREAKFAST SPIGOT: MY MOM WAS ALL “YOU’RE NOT TAKING THE CAR” AND I WAS LIKE FUCK YOU HITLER DEUCE: YOU’VE CONFUSED ME WITH THAT ONE -- I THOU REAKFAST BURRITOS NOT BREAKFAST ANGST DEUCE: THEY’VE BEEN MANUFACTURING ANTIMATTER FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW SPIGOT: WHEN PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ANTIMA OM WITH ME I CANCEL THEM OUT DEUCE: WANGSAGLHGAHLGAHLGA YOU WILL HAVE TO SHOW RESPECT TO GET YOUR DICKS SIR SPIGOT: DON’T BE DISSING MY LOW TOLERA NCE SPIGOT: HURGLE DURGLE IT’S THE ECONOMY STUPID URF BURF WHATEVER YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT RANDS: POO POO POO POO POO POO POO POO RANDS: POO POO P CK IN A POO LOOP DEUCE: AGLHAGLHAGHLAG DEUCE: YOU ARE NOW FREE (THAT WAS MY MAGIC SPELL) PANTS: ADMIT NOTHING! PANTS: DENY EVERYTHING! PANTS: DEMAND AM I KIDDING HULGAHLGHALUGHALUGHLUAHLAG SPIGOT: DO YOU EVER PISS IN YOUR FAT MOUTH SPIGOT: AND THEN GO BLUGHLBUHLGUHBLUHGLU I’M A FOUNTAIN DEUCE: T SPIGOT:TRY PISS FOR A REFRESHING CHANGE OF PACE SPIGOT: I’M A CHAR TO A STAR TO A POINTER TO A DONG TO A BONG TO THIS GUN TO RIGHT IN MY MOUTH AND GOODBY CITLY OR IMPLICITLY CASTED ?!?! SPIGOT: FUCK YOU AND LICK DICK RANDS: DONGS RANDS: DONGS SPIGOT: DONGS RANDS: ARE WE A GAY BELL? SPIGOT: I CAN ANSWER THAT WIT PIGOT: URMPH SPIGOT: OW SPIGOT: GLUGHLGUH SPIGOT: I CANNOT ANSWER THAT SPIGOT: REMEMBER WHEN WE LIVED TOGETHER AND WE WOULD TAKE THE BUS TO VARIOUS GA D INSIST YOU WERE NOT GAY BUT BOY DID LESLIE AND CECIL AND FREDERICK AT BLOWHOLE’S KNOW OTHERWISE SPIGOT: LICK DICK OLD BEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PANTS: TUT TUT OLD BO GOT: HURMPH SIR YOU ARE BLOCKING BBC1 AND BBC2 RANDS: PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL FIX A BLOWN HEAD GASKET RANDS: NOW THAT I THINK BACK ON IT, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN O DS: PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL UNTANGLE THESE EXTENSION CORDS RANDS: IF ANY OF YOU NEED A LOAN, I WOULD MORE THAN HAPPY TO SUCK YOUR DICK PANTS: 10 ADAM 12 W N PROGRESS ATANDT: CUMSHOTS FIRED ATANDT: CLEAR PARCEL 12 PANTS: 338 UNITS 1, 2, 3, 4 AND 5 RESPONDING PANTS: UNITS 6, 7 EN ROUTE ATANDT: MAN DOWN MAN DOW ERVISE DEUCE: IF I COULD BE ANY KIND OF FLOWER I’D BE A BIG FAT ANGRY COCK SPIGOT: AND I WOULD BE THE HUGLURHLUGHRLUH BIRD SPIGOT: BRISCO: THE PERP MUST HAVE : CURTIS: HE LEFT HIS PRECIOUS WEAPON BEHIND SPIGOT: MCCOY: HURRRRR HUHHHHHHH GAY POO PANTS: LAW & ORDER WILL BE RIGHT BACK PANTS: I HATE THE GREAT STATE O ULAR REASON) RANDS: WHEN YOU GET IRRATIONAL, I GET STIFF PANTS: OK GIVE ME A MINUTE HERE PANTS: UH DEUCE: JEW-KABOB PANTS: DICKS AND PRICKS BAKED IN THE OV N A SILVER PLATTER RANDS: CUT PANTS: OK GIVE ME A MINUTE HERE RANDS: FUCKINGBELONGS READ FROM THE TO: SCRIPT PANTS: I’M PREOCCUPIED WITH THE EASTERN EUROPEAN SITUATION THIS BOOK NG AT THE IMPROV DEUCE: GLAHGLAGH SPIGOT: UM, I DO NOT REMEMBER EATING THE LAST BITE OF PIZZA SO IT IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: I AM NOT SITTING O K AWAY!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: WHOOPS!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS THIS MORNING’S EMPTY BOX SPIGOT: NOT THIS EVENING’S DOUBLE-BOX WITH BREADSTICKS POCH / DIPPING SAUCES DEUCE: IT IS SCHRO ITHER IN YOUR APARTMENT NOR OUT OF IT AND YET BOTH AT THE SAME TIME DEUCE: I HAVE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE HEAD AND ASS FOR THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES STRAIGH LING, ASKING FOR ICE) SPIGOT: THAT IS TANTAMOUNT TO EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEUCE: I KNOW AND FOR THAT I AM ASHAMED PANTS: WE HAVE ALL FAILED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER PANT LL OUR PANTS DOWN RANDS: I AM SO THERE DEUCE: I DON’T SEE HOW THAT WILL SOLVE ANY OF OUR DEUCE: OH ATANDT: I FOUND A LIZARD SQUISHED BETWEEN TWO PIECE DEUCE:T ATANDT DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY BALLS ATANDT:T DEUCE I JUST ATE DEUCE:T ATANDT WELL TAKE A PEPTO BISMAL AND LET ME PULL DOWN MY PANTS DEUCE: HAVE A VE CE: GET IT DEUCE: IT SOUNDS LIKE MERRY BUT IT IS IN FACT A DIFFERENT WORD DEUCE: WORDS THAT SOUND ALIKE BUT HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS ARE CALLED HOMOPHOBES HE’S SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING YOU AS A FUCKTOY. DEUCE: MY PENIS DOESN’T WORK !!! DEUCE: WHEN I HIT IT WITH A HAMMER IT DOESN’T SQUEAK ANYMORE DEUCE: SISTA #10 UP AS I CAN MUSTER IN THIS STATE OF DEHYDRATION (FROM THE JERKING YOU SEE) DEUCE: I WISH I WERE TOILET TRAINED DEUCE: NOTE THE USE OF THE SUBJUNCTIVE INDICATING ARY TO FACT SPIGOT: WHAT DO WE WANT? SPIGOT: COCKS SPIGOT: WHEN DO WE WANT EM? SPIGOT: NOW SPIGOT: WHAT DO WE WANT? SPIGOT: *HOMPH* SPIGOT: WHEN DO W RF* RANDS: OR POO SPIGOT: FOLKS I WOKE UP ON THE FLOOR OF THE STALL WITH NO SHOES SPIGOT: IS THAT GULF WAR SYNDROME DEUCE:T SPIGOT YOU SNORTED TOO MUCH D T: ARE YOU BOB HOPE CHEERING ME UP WITH NEWS FROM HOME AND A WHORE DEUCE:T SPIGOT NO I AM TRYING TO TRICK YOU/DICK YOU SPIGOT:YOU’RE PRETTY SLICK YOU SPIGO NG VANILLA NUT BLEND SPIGOT: FUCK, I JUST HAD THIS FREAK ACCIDENT WHERE I SAT DOWN TO WORK AND I SPILLED DOPE INTO THE BONG AND THE LIGHTER FLICKED OUT AN E WHEELS OF MY CHAIR SLIPPED BACK AND I INHALED THE DOPE SMOKE AND ATE A MUFFIN PANTS: WE SHOULD OPERATE IMMEDIATELY DEUCE: DICKS ??? MORE DICKS ??? PERHAP ANTS: WELCOME TO THESE UNITED HOUSES OF PANCAKES SPIGOT: BRISCOE: WHAT IF WE GIVE UP THE MURDER WEAPON? DEUCE: UH OH SPIGOT: MCCOY: HAGGLE GAGGLE I’M DUCER DICK WOLF SPIGOT: YOU CAN ONLY DO THAT WHILE SMOKING DOPE DEUCE: THAT’S BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY TIME YOU’RE FUNNY SPIGOT: T RANDS ALSO THEY ARE MY “ R JUGS DEUCE: DOES THIS DRESS AND DO THESE SHOES MAKE ME LOOK FAT? PANTS: I THINK IT’S THE FATNESS THAT REALLY DOES IT PANTS: ALSO THE UGLY SPIGOT: TRY PUTTING TH D THE DRESS OVER YOUR HEAD DEUCE: DOES THIS DRESS AND DO THESE SHOES MAKE ME LOOK FAT? PANTS: I THINK IT’S THE FATNESS THAT REALLY DOES IT PANTS: ALSO THE UGL E SHOES UP YOUR ASS AND THE DRESS OVER YOUR HEAD SPIGOT: WHERE’S THAT PIZZA SPIGOT: BLRHLBUHRLUBHRLUBHLGHRLHGHRLBHLUGHBLULH PLUH BLUHH I AM SO SORR LHRLUHLBRHLGUHLLUH HUH HUH I JUST CAN’T KEEP ANYTHING DOWN PANTS: MY SHOES SPIGOT: BLGUBHGLUBHRLUBHRTLUBHRLGURHLBURHGLUBRHGLUB MY FAULT SPIGOT: B TS: I NEED TO BE PUMPED SO FULL OF SPURT THAT I CANNOT SEE STRAIGHT PANTS: WRITE BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: SIR THIS IS AN ENGINEERING/BAB5 NEWSGROUP PANTS: FAN RT?????????????????????????///////////// SPIGOT: IF ONLY WE COULD COMBINE FILKING WITH DICKLICKING DEUCE: GAYS DEUCE: FILKLICKING PANTS: NO DICKFILKING SPIGOT: FOLKS YOU’RE BOT PRIVATE DICKLICKER SPIGOT: WARNING CONTAINS GRAPHIC SCENES OF DICKLICKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: (COCKSUCKING) SPIGOT: OKAY MEN LET’S ALL HURMPH BURMPH LORD GO OF THE BOAT SPIGOT: BHLRUHBLURHLUBHRLGBUHRLUBHLHRG ARE YOU RYAN NO OKAY BHRLBURHLGUHLRUBH SPIGOT: HELP / I NEED SOMEBODY SPIGOT: HELP / NOT JUST A M BAM SIR IN THE NEXT STALL I AM ASKING FOR HELP SPIGOT: I AM REACHING MY HAND UNDER THE PARTITION FOR COINS/TOKENS SPIGOT: WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS ADD THE PHRASE MY FORTUNE COOKIES!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: I WILL LICK DICK ... IN BED!!!!!! SPIGOT: I WILL CUT OFF MY DONG AND BALLS ... IN BED!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: I HAVE A KEEN EYE FOR RAPING PROSTITU EM DOWN THE BATHTUB ... IN BED !!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: SOME DON’T WORK SPIGOT: FOUR MORE PRICKS SPIGOT: FOUR MORE PRICKS SPIGOT: FOUR MORE PRICKS SPIGOT: FOUR MORE U SPIGOT: WHEN YOUR MOUTH / CHOKES ON DICK / LIKE A BIG FUCKING PRICK SPIGOT:THAT’S AMORE SPIGOT: WHEN YOUR DONG’S / GETTING LONG / AND IT’S STUCK IN THE BONG PIGOT: SERIOUSLY I’M OUT OF TOILET PAPER SPIGOT: I’M GOING TO SMOKE THIS DOPE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS SPIGOT: FIVE HOOKERS?!?!?!?!?! SPIGOT: BUT BUT SPIGOT: WAIT SPIGOT DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I’D LIKE TORI SPELLING TO GIVE ME SOME 9-0-2-1-ORAL SEX SPIGOT: ALSO AARON SPELLING SPIGOT: I PUBLISH SHORT STORIES ON THE WEB AND E SPIGOT: IF SOMEONE CAN HELP ME GET A PERL/JAVA THING GOING I CAN BUILD A CHAT FORUM SPIGOT: YOU’RE REALLY STABBING ME IN THE FACE AND GROIN WITH THAT BA D IT HARD TO BELIEVE THIS IS ALL FOR SOME PISSCAM PROJECT BUT I’M TRYING HARD TO HOLD STEADY SPIGOT: FUCKING CLOSE THE DOOR SPIGOT: STUPID ASS JERKOFF I’M BEAT GET OUT SPIGOT: GET THE FUCK OUT SPIGOT: PUT THE COFFEE ON THE FUCKING DESK SPIGOT: I WILL SUE FOR THE RIGHT TO LICK YOUR DICK SPIGOT: (PUSHING ROLLED UP CONST ) RANDS: THICK DEUCE: I AM CROSSING OUT ARTICLE VII AND ADDING AMENDMENT XIII SPIGOT: WE THE PLBRLBLBLRBPLE PANTS: GAKKKK PANTS: YOUR HANDS ARE TIGHT AROUN HOKING AND TEACHING ALL AT THE SAME TIME PANTS: GAKKKK MOSTLY CHOKING PANTS: IT IS MOSTLY CHOKING DEUCE: SO BE IT SPIGOT: I AM COUNTING ON AN X WITH OUR RING PROTRACTOR DEUCE: IF WE CROSS BEAMS WE WILL DIE SPIGOT: THEN I GUESS WE SHOULD BOTH USE THE FORCE???? READING FAQ SPIGOT: FOLKS CAN WE GET SOME EXPER GOING KOSOVO CRISIS?!?!?!?! SPIGOT: LET’S ALL SOUND OFF WITH OUR TWO CENTS!!!!!!!!!!! PANTS: I TAKE IT UP THE ASS SPIGOT: IS THIS RING STILL ACTIVE RANDS: I’M SERIOUSLY INVITING EUCE: I WILL ACCEPT THE INVITATION (AS WELL AS THE RESPONSIBILITY) RANDS: IF YOU DON’T MIND RANDS: PLEASE REMOVE YOUR DONG FROM MY ARMPIT DEUCE: I AM KEEPING T: CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM ANAL SEX DEUCE: WE WILL CONDUCT 1000 SCIENTIFIC TRIALS ALSO WE WILL NEED ANOTHER 1000 FOR THE CONTROL GROUP SPIGOT: I WILL HE GAY AND LESBIAN AND HOMOSEXUAL AND LESBIAN AND LESBIAN AND GAY AND HOMOSEXUAL AND GAY AND LESBIAN AND GAY AND GAY AND HOMOSEXUAL AND GAY A CLUB IT WILL BE CALLED THE GALAHALALAGAHAGALAGAGAHAGALAG CLUB DEUCE: I WILL JOIN (HERE ARE MY DUES) DEUCE: T ATANDT DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY BALLS ATANDT E: T ATANDT WELL TAKE A PEPTO BISMOL AND LET ME PULL DOWN MY PANTS PANTS: PLEASE HELP ME PICK OUT A GOWN FOR THE COCKSUCKERS BALL PANTS: SLOW DOWN, TAK AK ME WITH THE HOSE PANTS: I WILL DRUG YOU AND FUCK YOU PANTS: WHAT PANTS: YES I’LL HOLD PANTS: YOU CAN’T TELL ME WITH A STRAIGHT FACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER GIV S MARINES IN THE BACK OF A CAMARO WITH QUIET RIOT PLAYING CAN YOU ??? I THOUGHT NOT PANTS: WHAT’S YOUR ANGLE PANTS: WHOSE BABY IS THAT PANTS: I’LL BUY THAT PA OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING SHORTLY PANTS: ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO STATE THAT I DID NOT PUNCH THE PROSTITUTE I WAS ONLY HELPING HER DOWN OFF THE STAGE :TO: STA : WHAT’S GOING ON DOWN THERE : : ARE WE OFF THE AIR AGAIN? : GODDAMNIT : YOU USELESS FUCKWADS ATANDT: T SPIGOT WHY ARE YOU STILL UP SPIGOT: CRUISING FOR PRICK LLY GOOD SPIGOT: LET’S GO TO THE MOON AND LICK DICK DEUCE:YOU KNOW WE DON’T HAVE TO GO TO THE MOON FOR ALL THAT DEUCE: (I.E., A SPACE IN MY BATHROOM JUST WHOLE POINT IS THAT WE GET NASA INVOLVED SPIGOT: PLEASE OVERRIDE MY VIRTUAL MEMBER DEUCE: I CAN ONLY OVERRIDE YOU IF YOU ARE A VIRTUAL MEMBER FUNCTION SI LARS DEUCE: NOW YOU’RE TALKING MOTHERFUCKER SPIGOT: KNOCK KNOCK !!! PANTS: WHO’S THERE ??? SPIGOT: BRAD CHAD AND THAD !!! PANTS: BRAD CHAD AND THAD WHO ? UNIVERSAL RESOURCE LOCATOR www.jerkcity.com MICROBLOGGING SERVICE twitter.com/jerkcity ELECTRONIC MAIL ADDRESS root@jerkcity.com ALSO BY THE AUTHOR Copyright © 2003, 2014 Jerkcity All rights reserved Digital Edition, 2014 Printed in the U.S.A. The Holy Bible Cover by T. Farnon Published by Baby Milk Factory California, U.S.A. www.babymilkfactory.com Printed by Signature Book Printing, Inc. Gaithersburg, Maryland, U.S.A. www.signature-book.com Cartoons originally published between 1998 and 2013 at www.jerkcity.com Kickstarter Edition hurf blurf www.kickstarter.com/projects/jerkcity/the-big-book-of-jerkcity ISBN 978-0-9789941-0-5 2718281828459045235360287471352662497757247093699959574966967627724076 The Big Book of Jerkcity Published by Baby Milk Factory California United States of America 2013 CHAPTER 1 EARLY YEARS, THE what with the boners half off regarding my salary breakfast burrito antimatter stuck in a poo loop demand proof change of pace explicitly or implicitly Atandt Haiku #1 various gay places BBC1 and BBC2 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 CHAPTER 2 RANDS the trouble with Pac-Man auto repair for fags Rands on the Charlie Rose show spring cleaning for fags jerktest money management skills 24 25 26 27 28 29 CHAPTER 3 COMMUNISTS, EVERY ONE man down any kind of flower precious weapon cut Schrödinger’s pizza tantamount to exercise 32 33 34 35 36 37 CHAPTER 4 DEUCE jerk me super man shame phobes squeak movie reviews evil spirits multiple horrible monsters assume the position the subjunctive 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 CHAPTER 5 IT GOES IN YOUR FACE queer cheer gulf war syndrome we should operate united houses of pancakes executive producer breasts also the ugly pizza pumped so full filking 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 CHAPTER 6 SPIGOT saving private dicklicker help in bed four more pricks that’s amore wait Aaron Spelling you’re really stabbing me pisscam beating off 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 CHAPTER 7 ALL THEIR LITTLE HEADS AT ONCE thick choking, teaching an X with our piss let’s all sound off a story as old as time winter sun day(s) the scientific method i will start a club i just ate 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 CHAPTER 8 PANTS prom night in case of emergency listen good rough trade the shed i will like a gay Speak & Spell with a straight face and a firm grip stoned before five faster than luhhhhh 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 CHAPTER 9 NEW MILLENNIUM, THE candy and cake the moon here’s ten dollars knock knock Quisp the prickalino prostitutes and migrant workers CS-101 come and get it time and salt any given sunday of all of the true story hey jude some kind of horrible error simple math a moment’s pause taking inventory 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 BACK MATTER glossary 118 index 122 colophon 126 This is the scene that I’m picturing. You’ve bought this book, read it, laughed a bit, and then tucked it away on some shelf, and forgotten about it. Now, it’s three months later and a potential girlfriend (or boyfriend) is wandering through your stuff. You have no problem with this because they’re getting to know you and, face it, you want to get laid. Pretty much everything on that shelf is dull; it’s O’Reilly books, it’s a book on Photoshop tips and tricks, it’s the token Hemingway book to show your depth and, wait, what’s this? Dongs? This is the moment I’ve been waiting for, this is the moment that defines Jerkcity. “What the hell is this?” Folks go two ways with Jerkcity. My assumption is that a majority of folks read one or two strips and end up offended in some manner. End of experience. The minority read a few strips and then a few more and suddenly it’s three hours later and they’re searching Google for a non-existent Jerkcity FAQ which explains what “t deuce hi” actually means. Your potential significant other is going to see the cover and will quickly fall into one of the two camps. Depending on that landing, Jerkcity has had a say in whether or not you get laid and that rules. All of the regular Jerkcity players hang out online in a private IRC-like chat server. The core group has been there pretty much 24 hours a day since the mid-’90s. We’re there right now: Atandt, Deuce, Pants, Rands, and Spigot. Someone is talking about Togo’s and dongs. It’s a slow night, but not all nights are slow. Very often, there are random spurts of comedy between one or more of the crowd and that comedy sometimes ends up in the Archives. This is a private database of over 9,000 11,000 excerpts of chat logs. The existence of these Archives is pretty much the entire reason that Jerkcity exists. The other two pieces were built on the fact we’d taken the time to save all our dick jokes. First, I had the Jerkcity domain name. I don’t recollect the instant it showed up in my head, but I do remember thinking, “It’s short, it’s memorable, and pleasantly rude.” I’d no idea what to do with the name. I remember chatting briefly with Spigot about a professional masturbation resource, but, in the end, it’s more fun to jerk it than talk about it, so I dropped that idea. The second piece of the Jerkcity puzzle was Comic Chat. This has been floating around my head as a potential tool for months not because of any technical ingenuity of the Microsoft product, but because I liked the artwork and I can’t draw at all. Sometime during the summer of 1998, I was flying down Highway 85 in California and the three pieces fell into place. Three years of rude comedy in archive form; the simplicity of Comic Chat; a domain name looking for a home. I drafted a few strips in Comic Chat based on the Archives, threw together the original site and tested it with the crowd. Sixteen hundred strips Fifty-four hundred later, Jerkcity gets roughly thousands of visitors a day. I don’t really know if that’s a lot or little, but it’s a lot more than I ever thought we’d get. I’d first like to apologize if Jerkcity prevented you from getting laid. I’d suggest that if you’ve taken the time to actually purchase this book that you probably better off without him/her—they wouldn’t have understood you anyway. Lastly, I’d like to thank the Jerkcity fans. Considering Jerkcity is a non-money making enterprise supported by the free time of folks who have a lot of other stuff to do, it’s gratifying to wander into our usage logs and continue to see the Jerkcity fan base grow. We’ll get you laid, yet, I swear. Rands, February, 2003. Jerkcity The Early Years 1895-1940 In Which Deuce Discovers Radium & Pants Tips Over An Apple Cart 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 24 25 26 27 28 29 Jerkcity Communists, Every One 1941-1969 Where Rands and Spigot have a gay picnic but it rains and they cry like little girls 32 33 34 35 36 37 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 Jerkcity It GOES IN YOuR face 1970-1979 AND OTHER RIDICULOUS FABLES AS READ ALOUD BY A DRUNKEN, ANGRY DEUCE 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 JERKCITY All Their Little Heads At Once 1980-1987 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 Jerkcity New Millennium, The OH GOD IT BURNS HUALGHULAG HALHALHLUAHGULHALGHLGAHLAG THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT THE TIME THE POPE VISITED HALGHGLUAG HUGAGLAGHUALGH SACRE BLEU HLAGHULAHLGHUALGHULAG SOMEBODY HUGALGHULGHLUAG HLAGHLUAHGLUAHGLUHALG 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 1309, n. The number of the strip that changed the face of the world. Aaron Spelling, n. Who? accident, n. Something that happened not on purpose: “Officer, when I ran him over three times, it was an accident.” amore, n. Italian for rape. anal, adj. The worst way to start your day. angry, adj. Having the character of being a delicate flower. angst, n. The quality of being annoying. anonymous, adj. Unknown to the Copyright Office, which is an organization really in control of the United States Supreme Court, which in turn is in control of the National Football League. antimatter, n. A form of matter which, when it comes into contact with normal matter, causes choking and crying. armpit, n. A cock cozy. ARRRRRR, interj. The sound a pirate makes. Babylon 5, n. A science fiction television series which has drawn a fairly substantial following but which nobody else has ever seen. behead, v.t. To strip one of oral sex privileges at a brothel. big stall, n. The largest stall in the bathroom, usually where the most powerful toilets are located. See queue, stall, toilet. BLUHHHHH, interj. An unspecified sound usually indicating disbelief or perhaps malfunctioning frontal lobes. boner, n. The man responsible for cleaning up bones in a bone yard. bonghit, n. A form of pipe wrench, most particularly helpful with repairing head gaskets and DeanStark traps. breasts, n.pl. The only things that allow men to tolerate women. BRRRRRR, interj. The sound made when drilling for oil. carpet, n. A device designed for collecting spilled bong water, coffee stains, and DNA evidence. cast, v.i. In computer science, to convert an object of one type to another type, usually without respect for proper conversions; an unsafe conversion: “I would appreciate it if you would not cast my square peg 118 into that round hole.” chomp, n. Eskimo for removing the trailing newline in a string. Christmas, n. The approximate birthday of Jesus Christ, where all good Christians dutifully practice pagan rituals of giving each other presents and talking about fat men breaking and entering houses through chimneys. Christmas Tree Monster, n. Vast herds of these luminous vegetables roam freely amid the glacial valleys of the south. Residents fear the autumn migrations, in which the trees cheerfully trample everything in their path. cunt, n. Not the ass. curly fries, n.pl. An invention of Western civilization even more influential than the stapler. DJ Rapekit, n. Gloves, rope, tire iron, pepper spray, handgun, condoms, your punching fists, bottle opener, duct tape. You’ll know what the bottle opener is for when the time comes. dick wolf, v.t. A certain perverse sexual act, the details of which cannot be mentioned here: “We sure dick wolfed that dude.” different, adj. That which must be destroyed. dipshit, n. Anyone under the age of 25. dis, v.t. Short for disrespect: “I do not appreciate you dissing my ability to bust rhymes.” dojo, n. The Japanese equivalent of a gay bar. dope, n. A substance that when crushed under enormous pressures and temperatures creates diamond. Europe, n. A civilized, advanced part of the world where genocidal wars of “ethnic cleansing” take place every three or four years. Esperanto, n. A fake language which nobody speaks. One of the strips (#435, “Socian Komentaron”) was translated into Esperanto for laughs. Most crucial to this process was the choice of the proper translation of the word spurt. fag trap, n. A question or situation set up in order to oust homosexuals. For instance, if one were to ask, “Do you want to suck my dick?” and someone responded affirmatively, a fag trap would have been successfully sprung. FAQ, n. Acronym for “frequently asked questions”; a list of answers to frequently asked questions that can be presented to a community (be it a forum, Usenet newsgroup, or software user base) so that the same questions need not be asked over and over again. In the entire history of their use, not one has ever been used for its intended purpose. fat, adj. Being a citizen of the United States of America. filk, v.i. To engage in rampant and offensive copyright infringement. fisticuffs, n. The act of inserting one’s fist into someone else’s bodily orifice, typically the mouth or anus. fuck, interj. The queen mother of all swear words, greater even in degree than darn. fucktoy, n. A device or substance used in conjunction with a sexual act: “This toothbrush sure makes a good fucktoy.” GAKKKK, interj. The sound associated with being choked. Let’s face it, it was probably well-deserved. goddammit or goddamnit, interj. A general expression of frustration. 119 The proper spelling (with an m or an n) has been a subject of debate for thousands of years; the first three Crusades were fought over this issue. groin, n. The part of the body located between one’s head and feet. Gulf War Syndrome, n. A syndrome, exhibited by veterans of the 1991 Gulf War, with symptoms of lassitude, lollygagging, and goldbricking. hand, n. The implement used for masturbation. Hitler, n. A crazy guy who almost conquered the world except for that only-one-testicle thing. homophone, n. A word that sounds the same as another word, even though it spelled differently. homophobe, n. One who is frightened of homophones. HOMPH, interj. The sound associated with stuffing one’s face with food or other mouthappropriate substances. hooker, n. See whore. HUGLAGHALGHALGHAL, interj. An all-purpose sound, denoting the act of performing oral sex, the act of receiving oral sex, taking drugs, writing your Congressman, misdialing your party and getting that annoying series of tones, or sitting perfectly still and making no noise whatsoever. HUHHHHHH, interj. The sound one makes as if air is being forced out of one’s lungs. HURRRRRR, interj. An unspecified sound, but probably not a good one. irrational, adj. Originally a quantity which cannot be expressed as the ratio of two integers. This so incensed the ancient Pythagoreans that they expanded the meaning of the word to include things that defied common sense. Thanks to the Ancient Greeks, its use in Jerkcity was practically assured. jugs, n.pl. A less offensive form of the term melons. Kosovo, n. A place in Eastern Europe. See Europe. lesbian, n. A woman who hasn’t come around yet. lowercase, v. To type something in lowercase. Essentially all of Jerkcity conversations take place in all uppercase. Typing in lowercase, or “lowercasing,” is considered to be effeminate and inappropriate. melons, n.pl. A less offensive form of the term breasts. moo, n. The sound a duck makes. muffin, n. A form of food which is the staple of the Western diet. newsgroup, n. A forum on Usenet, a world-wide bulletin board where people can post messages back and forth to each other. Posts consists solely of people disagreeing with each other, arguing about what is appropriate for discussion in that particular forum, or hardcore pornography which is no less than five years old. Occam’s razor, n. A principle in scientific thought that if two hypotheses equally fit the observed facts, the simpler one is probably the correct one: “Since dogs cannot talk, Occam’s razor leads me to conclude that you must be a cat.” override, v.t. To take control over or replace: “I am overriding your ability to speak with this implement.” Pac-Man, n. A video game in which the player ran around in a maze, eating pills while chased by ghosts. Many scholars argue that 120 this game was largely responsible for the shift in world thinking in the 1980s concerning the viability of Communism, and thus is more or less directly responsible for the end of the Cold War; those scholars are, however, wrong. Perl, n. A language spoken by Eskimos. pisscam, n. A Web cam which is focused on a cup or other container holding some quantity of urine. Pisscams were a part of a (thankfully) short-lived phenomenon that lasted only through the last few months of 1998. poo loop, n. The vernacular for a closed timelike curve, a path through spacetime that loops back on itself. Current theory is that closed timelike curves cannot form due to destructive virtual particle interference, but poo loops still manage to frighten and dismay tribal cultures. pregnant, adj. Female. prickalino, n. A spin-1 weak vector boson, responsible for poking and prodding. prostitute, n. See hooker. quack, n. The sound a cow makes. queue, n. British slang. See toilet. Quisp, n. A breakfast cereal renowned the world over for its quispiness. radium, n. A radioactive element discovered by Marie Curie and Deuce, her husband at the time. The resulting squabble over who deserved the lion’s share of the credit lead to a messy and costly divorce. RRRRRRR, interj. A sound expressing anger, sexual excitement, or pretty much anything under the sun. Saturday, n. The day of the Sabbath, where all good people should pay homage to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Schrodinger’s cat, n. A thought experiment illustrating one of the central tenets of quantum mechanical theory, namely that it is boring and nobody really understands it. science, n. A process by which we find out about the world. scientific, adj. Something which lends itself to study by science: “You poking me there to find out what I’m made of is wholly unscientific.” sequester, v.t. To rape repeatedly. Sista, n. A series of female-only pornographic videos featuring black women. Siskel gave the whole series thumbs up, but Ebert was too dehydrated to comment. Roeper, Siskel’s eventual replacement, seemed strangely disinterested. spurt, n. Whale vomit, which is prized for its value in the perfume industry. squeak, n. The sound that should be emitted by a properly functioning penis when struck by a hammer. subjunctive, n. A form of sentence structure in English that is used to indicate statements that are known to be contrary to fact, wishes, or the like: “If I were rich, I could pay to have you killed. Instead, I will have to do it myself.” stall, n. A location in bathrooms where toilets can be found. See toilet. stoned, adj. The state of having rocks thrown at you for doing something bad. tantamount, n. A completely made-up word. T, punct. When followed by a name, a form of direct address. The syntax 121 comes from an archaic chat system running on APL machines; the T syntax was short for TELL. The use is perpetuated to this day as an inside joke. Texas, n. A place where it is not wise to commit a capital offense. toilet, n. A magical portal which leads, through a series of pipes, to the inside of the hollow Earth which is inhabited by leprechauns. Toilets are considered sacred by many religions and are guarded very carefully by the military of all nations. tolerance, n. What’d you call me? Tori Spelling, n. A particularly clever bovine who once made a wish upon a star and became a real, live human being. truculent, adj. To be behave like a woman. virtual, adj. Not real, or something which would not happen in real life: “You are virtually worth having sex with.” whore, n. See prostitute. ACCEPT: 80 ACCIDENT: 54 ACTIVE: 79 ADDING: 76 AMENDMENT: 76 AMORE: 68 ANAL: 83 ANALYSIS: 79 ANDROMEDA: 104 ANGLE: 96 ANGRY: 33 ANGST: 13 ANONYMOUS: 95 ANOTHER: 37, 83 ANSWER: 19 ANTIMATTER: 14 APARTMENT: 36 ARMPIT: 81 ARTICLE: 76 ASHAMED: 37 ASKING: 37, 65 ATANDT: 32, 38, 85, 100 BABY: 96 BAKED: 35 BALL: 88 BALLPOINT: 71 BALLS: 85, 66 BATHROOM: 101 BATHTUB: 66 BBC1: 21 BBC2: 21 BEAMS: 78 BEAN: 21 BEATING: 73 BEHEADING: 60 BELIEVE: 72 BELL: 19 BERRY: 43 BETWEEN: 38 BIGGER: 55 BIRD: 33 BITE: 36 BLEND: 53 BLOCKING: 21 BLOWN: 25 BLUHH: 59 BOAT: 64 BONERS: 10 BONG: 18, 54, 68, 113 BONGHITS: 25, 27 BORING: 104 BREAKFAST: 13 BREAKING: 104 BREASTS: 57 BREATH: 89 BROKEN: 104 BRUISING: 37 BUNG: 107 BURF: 14 BURMPH: 64 BURNING: 60 BURRITO: 13 CAMERO: 95 CANCEL: 14 CARD: 11 CARPET: 113 CASTED: 18 CENTS: 79 CHAR: 18 CHAT: 71 CHEERING: 53 CHIPS: 11 CHOKES: 68 CHOKING: 77 CHRISTMAS: 43 CLEAR: 32 CLOROXING: 66 COCK: 33 COCKS: 52 COFFEE: 73 CONDITION: 49 CONDUCT: 83 122 CONFUSED: 13 CONTAINS: 64 CONTRARY: 49 CONTROL: 83 COOKIES: 66 CORDS: 27 COUNTING: 78 CRISIS: 79 CROSS: 78 CROSSING: 76 CRUISING: 100 CUMSHOTS: 32 CURLY: 100 DAWN: 12 DEMAND: 16 DEPLETED: 53 DESK: 73 DEUCE: 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 33, 35, 36, 37, 85, 43, 44, 45, 49, 53, 55, 56, 58, 61, 76, 77, 78, 80, 81, 83, 84, 101, 102, 104, 105, 107, 110 DICK: 18, 21, 29, 56, 66, 68, 76, 101, 107 DICKLICKER: 64 DICKS: 14, 35, 55 DIFFERENT: 43 DIPPING: 36 DIPSHIT: 73 DISCOVERED: 105 DISSING: 14 DOJO: 107 DOLLARS: 102 DONG: 18, 66, 81 DONGS: 19 DOOR: 73 DOPE: 54, 56, 69 DOUBLE-BOX: 36 DRESS: 58 DRUG: 93 DUES: 84 DURGLE: 14 EASTERN: 35 EATING: 13, 36 ECONOMY: 14 EDITOR: 97 EMAIL: 71 EMBRACES: 10 EMPIRE: 108 EUROPEAN: 35 EXECUTIVE: 56 EXERCISE: 37 EXPERT: 79 EXPLICITLY: 18 EXTENSION: 27 FACE: 71, 80, 95 FAILED: 37 FATNESS: 58 FAULT: 59 FICTION: 61 FILKING: 61 FINALLY: 11 FIRE: 54 FIRED: 32 FIRST: 107 FLICKED: 54 FLOOR: 53 FLOWER: 33 FOLKS: 53, 61, 79 FORCE: 78 FORTUNE: 66 FORUM: 71 FOUND: 38 FOUNTAIN: 17 FOUR: 67 FREAK: 54 FREE: 15 FRIES: 100 FUCK: 13, 18, 54, 73, 80, 93 FUCKING: 35, 53, 68, 73, 107 FUCKTOY: 44 FUCKWADS: 97 FUNCTION: 102 FUNNY: 56 GAGGLE: 56 GAKKKK: 77 GASKET: 25 GAYS: 61 GIVE: 35, 56, 70 GIVEN: 95 GLAHGLAGH: 35 GLUGHLGUH: 19 GODDAMNIT: 97 GOODBYE: 18 GOWN: 88 GRAPHIC: 64 GROIN: 71 GROUP: 83 GUESS: 78 GULF: 53 HABITS: 105 HAGGLE: 56 HAMMER: 44 HAND: 65 HANDS: 77 HAPPENS: 69 HAPPY: 29 HARD: 72 HATE: 35 HBLRTKTP&%: 103 HEAD: 25, 37, 58, 95 HELP: 65, 71, 88 HITLER: 13 HLGAHGLAG: 21 HOLD: 72, 93 HOLE: 76 HOMOPHOBES: 43 HOMOSEXUAL: 84 HOMPH: 52 HOMPTH: 103 HOOKERS: 69 HOPE: 53 HOSE: 89 HOUSES: 55 HUHHHHHHH: 34 123 HURGLE: 14 HURMPH: 21, 64, 67 HURRRRR: 34 HURRY: 34 IMPLICITLY: 18 IMPROV: 35 INDICATING: 49 INHALED: 54 INSIST: 20 INVITATION: 80 INVITING: 80 INVOLVED: 101 IRRATIONAL: 35 JERKING: 45 JERKOFF: 73 JEW-KABOB: 35 JOIN: 84 JOLLY: 100 JUDE: 113 JUGS: 57 KEEN: 66 KIDDING: 16, 104 KIDS: 104 KISS: 107 KISSING: 107 KNOCK: 103 KNOCKED: 113 KNOW: 20, 37, 70, 101 KOSOVO: 79 LAST: 36, 37 LDAP: UP, YOUR, FAT, ASS LEARNING: 14 LESBIAN: 84 LIGHTER: 54 LIGHTLY: 107 LIKES: 105 LINK: 71 LIVED: 20 LIZARD: 38 LOAN: 29 LOOP: 15 LORD: 64 LOVE: 107 LUCKY: 11 MAGIC: 15 MARINES: 95 MEANINGS: 43 MELONS: 57 MEMBER: 102 MERRY: 43 MIND: 81 MINUTE: 35 MINUTES: 37, 104 MOON: 101 MOUTH: 17, 18, 68 MUCH: 53, 110 MUFFIN: 54 MURDER: 56 MURF: 52 MUST: 34 MUSTER: 45 NASA: 101 NECK: 77 NEED: 29, 60, 65, 83 NEITHER: 36 NESTING: 105 NEVER: 95, 107 NEWS: 53 NEWSGROUP: 60 NINETY: 104 NOTE: 49 NOTHING: 16 OATS: 104 OBSESSED: 26 ONGOING: 79 OPENED: 101 OPERATE: 54 ORDER: 34 OTHERWISE: 20 OVEN: 35 OVERRIDE: 102 PACE: 17 PANCAKES: 55 PANK: 67 PANTS: 11, 12, 13, 16, 21, 32, 34, 35, 37, 85, 54, 55, 58, 59, 60, 61, 77, 79, 88, 89, 93, 95, 96, 97, 103, 105, 110, 113 PAPER: 68, 113 PARCEL: 32 PARTICLE: 105 PARTICULAR: 35 PARTITION: 65 PARTY: 108 PASS: 107 PENIS: 44 PEOPLE: 14 PERL: 10 PERP: 34 PERTURBED: 11 PISS: 17, 78 PISSCAM: 72 PIZZA: 36, 59 PLACES: 20 PLASTICS: 104 PLATTER: 35 PLUH: 59 PLYWOOD: 38 POUCH: 36 POINTER: 18 POKE: 105 PRECIOUS: 34 PREGNANT: 83 PRETTY: 53 PRICING: 11 PRICK: 68 PRICKALINO: 105 PRICKS: 35, 67, 100 PRIVATE: 64 PROBES: 104 PROD: 105 PRODUCER: 56 PROJECT: 72 PROOF: 16 124 PROSTITUTE: 97 PROTRACTOR: 78 PUBLISH: 71 PUFFY: 11 PUMPED: 60 PUNCH: 97 PUNCHED: 37 PUSHING: 76 QUAKER: 104 QUIET: 95 QUISP: 104 RANDS: 10, 15, 19, 25, 26, 27, 29, 35, 37, 52, 57, 76, 80, 81 REACHING: 65 READING: 78 REASON: 35 REFRESHING: 17 REGARD: 11 REGULAR: 97 RESPECT: 14 RESPONDING: 32 REWARDS: 11 RING: 79 RIOT: 95 RIPENESS: 11 ROLLED: 76 ROUTE: 32 RUBBING: 113 SALARY: 12 SATURDAY: 78 SAUCES: 36 SCENES: 64 SCIENCE: 14 SCIENTIFIC: 83 SCRIPT: 35 SERIOUSLY: 10, 11, 44, 68, 80 SETTLING: 11 SHAKING: 11 SHELVE: 11 SHIPPING: 11 SHIT: 104 SHOES: 53, 58, 59 SHORT: 71 SILVER: 35 SISTA: 45 SITTING: 36 SITUATION: 35 SLICK: 53 SLIPPED: 54 SLOW: 89 SMOKE: 54, 69, 110 SMOKING: 56 SOAK: 89 SOLVE: 37 SOMEWHERE: 36 SORRY: 59 SOUND: 43, 79 SOUNDS: 43 SPACE: 101 SPELLING: 70 SPIGOT: 11, 13, 14, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 33, 34, 36, 37, 52, 53, 54, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 76, 78, 79, 83, 84, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 113 SPILLED: 54 SPURT: 60 SQUEAK: 44 SQUISHED: 38 STABBING: 71 STAFF: 97 STAGE: 97 STALL: 53, 65 STAR: 18 STATE: 35, 45, 97, 108 STEADY: 72 STIFF: 35 STONED: 104 STORIES: 71 STRAIGHT: 37, 60, 95 STRAIN: 104 STRANGE: 107 STRING: 104 STROKE: 107 STUCK: 15, 68 STUFF: 104 STUPID: 14, 73 SUCK: 29, 107 SUPERVISE: 32 SWELLING: 37 SYNDROME: 53 TANTAMOUNT: 37 TEACHING: 77 TEXAS: 35 THBPBLGH: 103 THEN: 17, 78, 105 THICK: 76 THUMBS: 45 TIGHT: 77 TIME: 14, 36, 56, 77, 107 TODAY: 38, 104, 105 TOILET: 12, 49, 68 TOLERANCE: 14 TOWELS: 113 TRAINED: 49 TRAP: 10 TRIALS: 83 TRICK: 53 TWENTY: 37, 104 UGLY: 58 UNDER: 65 UNTANGLE: 27 URANIUM: 53 URMPH: 11, 19 USELESS: 97 VANILLA: 53 VIRTUAL: 102 VIRUS: 104 WAIT: 69 WALK: 36 WARM: 81 WARNING: 64 WATCHING: 13 WATER: 17 125 WEAPON: 34, 56 WEIRD: 10 WELCOME: 55 WHATEVER: 14 WHEELS: 54 WHOOPS: 36 WHORE: 53 WINTER: 81 WISH: 49 WOKE: 53 WOLF: 56 WORK: 44, 54, 66 WORKING: 104 WRITE: 60 YEAR: 104 COLOPHON Cover design by T. Farnon www.leisuretown.com Introduction by Rands www.randsinrepose.com DOGSHIT.EXE This is the Very Special Kickstarter Edition. 126 VERY SPECIAL THANKS luis, who designed the logo macki, for using racist middleware without complaining Microsoft Corporation & Jim Woodring Dr. Ernest J. Organs, M.D. ozone rotten.com soylent xihr, for compiling the glossary idiots on Kickstarter and the indigenous peoples of #jerkcity mmm yeah ooh boy 127 ABOUT JERKCITY Jerkcity is probably enjoyed by sreaders worldwide every single day at www.jerkcity.com. ABOUT THE PUBLISHER To contact the publisher, write to Baby Milk Factory, c/o That Goddamn Jerkcity Book, root@jerkcity.com, USA. PENIS PUMP m CORRIGENDUM If your book did not come with a Christmas Tree Monster or your Christmas Tree Monster arrived dead, please send e-mail to christmastreemonsterproblem@jerkcity.com. ®©&™ Where trademarked designations appear in this book, and where the publisher was aware of a trademark claim, designations have been printed all caps, mixed case or lowercase. Use of trademark terms is in no way to be construed as detracting from their trademark status or a diet of bugs, mostly crickets and snails. 128