Issue 4

issue 4
June, 2015
created brighton hall
digital publishing
Ancient Selfie-Taking Skeleton
Written By: Madison De La Garza
Scientists’ new discovery now brings a
whole new meaning to the phrase “back to
the future”. You hear about archeologists
finding new bones every day, but this is
no ordinary treasure hunt. After digging
straight through one of America’s tallest
mountains, a not-so-new species has been
found; the modern-day human.
The bones of the creature are nearly identical to ours. You may be thinking,
what’s so cool about finding the dead remains of something we have seven billion
of now? Well, you see, it’s more than that.
Not only was the skeleton holding up a
trendy peace sign with its fingers, but it
was holding something none of us can live
without; a cell phone.
Many skeptics have overlooked this
critical detail of the study because they assume it’s just a body of someone who died
a few years ago. The skeleton itself offers
no evidence as to when it died, given that
it was frozen in snow for quite some time.
However, the position of the body in the
mountain tells us that it must have been
trapped there around two hundred thirty
million years ago; right before the dinosaurs ruled the land.
If you haven’t caught on already,
this means that this selfie-taking friend
of ours must have lived before the earliest evidence of life on Earth. It’s hard to
believe anything other than our human
race must have wiped itself out hundreds
of millions of years ago, meaning that everything we’ve accomplished has already
been done.
This opens up a world of questions;
what happened to us that caused humanity to end? Did everything repeat itself
exactly? If so, does that mean there were
other versions of us who already lived hundreds of millions of years before us? And
the top and most worrisome question…
the last human found must have been one
of the last to die, and the fact that they
were holding a smart phone (and seemed
pretty occupied with taking a duckface
selfie, might I add) tells us that that’s as
far in technology they were able to get before messing things up… how long until
we make the same mistakes?
Hopefully, this will open up eyes for
a large amount of the world. And if that
theory scars you too much, there is always
the possibility that it was just a meteor or
large explosion that wiped us out the first
time.
Current Events
Unbeliebable
Written By: Aaron Berger
Justin Bieber had recently paid 4.5
million dollars for his doctor to install a chip in his brain designed by
his manager Scooter Braun. This
chip allowed Justin to read people’s
minds. Miley Cyrus had this operation done as well about eight months
ago. They are now using these chips
to their advantage to rob every bank
in the state of Texas. Texas has so
many banks with so much money, if
they pull this off they will each make
about 900 billion dollars. New information has said they meet at two
AM every Thursday at an unknown
secret location in the Burbank area.
If you have any other information
please call 1-800-chip. Since they
will know what FBI, undercover police officers and CIA will plan to do
they have a 100% success rate. Police have currently been searching
for Justin and Miley for about two
weeks since they found out about
the whole plan from Scooter’s wife
who has been spying on him. They
are now going through a divorce, she
is receiving half of Scooter’s making
which is about 140 million dollars.
She also made 750,000 for the info
of Justin and miley’s plan. So again,
if you have any other information
please call 1-800-chip. This needs to
be solved or millions of people will
lose all their money and this will increase the amount homeless. This
will cause the United State’s citizens
to die from enraged homeless people. If you have questions you can go
to www.justinandmiley/chip/now/
rob/jb/mc//.com
YouTuber Rides Cat Through Battle Zone in Space
Written By: Daisy Torres
A widely known youtuber, Mark Fischbach, also known as Markiplier,
has recently given up his youtube
career to volunteer for the army. A
woman by the name of Crystal Reign
interviewed Mark just a week before
he made his decision. He says he’s
serving in the army, following in his
father’s footsteps. His father died of
cancer when Mark was young. His
father used to work at a base in Hawaii, where Mark was born.
The work that Mark is doing
is special, though. Because it’s in
outer space. The American army
has asked twenty five people to volunteer to fight Russia’s spacecraft
in outer space. Russia is trying it’s
hardest to get rid of America, currently. The army accepted Mark’s
application and have already sent
all twenty five people into Earth’s
orbit. Mark made his last goodbyes
just yesterday. NASA says there is
only a twenty percent chance they’ll
survive against Russia, and in space
just alone. Russia’s technology has
became increasingly advanced compared to America.
“I hope I come back in the next
year so I can continue my youtube
career and prove my worth to my
country,” Markiplier’s last words.
Fashion
10 Most Hated Celebrities
Written By: Anday Tural
Before we start this highly
controversial countdown, this is
the opinion of the general public, so
that means you may have different
opinions, but just know these are
the majority’s opinions. With that
said, let’s begin.
Jennifer Lopez; it’s quite fascinating how someone with limited
vocal abilities and such a pitiful acting career has made it to where she
has.
Justin Bieber, poor guy… after
“Baby” nothing seemed to go right
for him. He’s apologized for his rash
actions and is trying to build a bet-
ter image for himself, but he’s got a
long way to go.
Madonna,
yeesh…
Poor
Drake… Madonna seems to be your
typical has been who can’t forget
what was… times five. She’s offended the french politician and leader,
but doesn’t seem to care… SHE’S 56
FOR PETE SAKE AND SHE TRIES
TO KISS A 28 YEAR OLD POPSTAR! SHE’S LITERALLY TWICE
HIS AGE! GET A GRIP!
Kim Kardashian… Shocker.
Where do I even begin? First of all
she shouldn’t be famous, second,
the amount of makeup she wears
per day in cash could pay my school
tuition, third, STOP CRYING KIM!
She will find anything and everything to cry about.
Lindsay Lohan, Oh jeez. After
he widely loved chick flick, “Mean
Girls” drugs got the best of her.
I have literally lost count of how
many times I have heard on the radio, “And Lindsay Lohan is going to
court for…” Some people just need
to get their act together.
Chris Brown, well first of all
someone can’t handle rehab. He has
literally been kicked out of drug re-
Fish GirlShould
Written By: Jayde Emory
Recently, a girl was found
alive at the scene of a shipwreck.
She has been alive for over five
years underwater. This mysterious
girl has developed fish like characteristics that have allowed her to
breath underwater.
Sources say that the girl has
grown gills like a fish to be able to
survive underwater. She happens
to be an amazing swimmer and has
become friends with the fish. She
claims she can speak to the fish and
that they call her their guardian because she is human size.
This girl has acquired the
nickname “Fish girl”. She is still
Know
adapting to California and she is
still learning how to walk.
Fish girl is hoping to be a
comic book character soon. So keep
your fingers crossed. She is now being tested to see how she was able
to grow gills because they haven’t
seen anything like it before.
This world is becoming more
advanced, and soon maybe we all
can grow gills like a fish and live
underwater.
hab and put in jail. And not to mention he has quite the temper. He
can’t seem to get a grip, he actually
beat pop star Rihanna.
Miley Cyrus… Do I really need
to talk for this one?
Kanye West……. Yeezus…..
This man is beyond arrogant. It
feels wrong to call him a man, probably a boy, or toddler. That is if we’re
calling people what they act like.
He thinks of himself as a god!? He
needs yeezus. HA. Yeezus.
Anne Hathaway, She has made
it quite clear she is desperate for an
Oscar. She needs to let go of the fact
that she just isn’t quite of that caliber. Her golden globe acceptance
speech just shows it.
Iggy Azalea, YOU CANNOT
FREESTYLE AND WHEN YOU
ATTEMPT TO FREESTYLE IT
SOUNDS LIKE A COW IS CHOKING!! Sorry, I had to let of a little
steam. Anyways she can’t rap, can’t
sing, and what makes it worse is that
she thinks that she’s good.
Newly Weds
Woman Marries Skyscraper
Written by: Jacob Nathaniel
On April 12th 2015, Hannah
Nguyen, CEO of Yahoo, married
her long-term boyfriend, the U.S.
Bank Tower in Los Angeles, CA.
When reporters asked how they
met, she replied with “Well, we met
at a singles mixer in San Fran. He
was the tallest one there, being that
he is like 1,000 feet tall and, frankly, I’ve always had a thing for tall
guys.” “They are the perfect couple,” and “They are so cute together!” say friends of the both of them.
He finally proposed on their two
year anniversary, and they married six months later. The wedding
was outdoors in Downtown LA.
Her bachelorette party was
planned by the one and only Cosmopolitan Hotel & Casino in Las
Vegas. Hannah still says it wasn’t
as fun as the wedding itself. Everyone who covered this story can
agree that they were truly meant
to be together. They don’t plan on
having any children, but they haven’t totally decided. All of us hope
to see that this marriage lasts a
lifetime. Or, her lifetime, considering that he doesn’t have one.
Giraffe Marries to Tallest Girl
Written By: Vale De La Maza
When Ness first visited the safari
she had no idea she would find her
one tall love. Sitting uncomfortably
in the back of the safari tour bus,
Ness fell deeply in love. At the sight
of Wilder, her uniquely large cheeks
blushed. At first she thought of it as
the appreciation of nature and animal beauty. But then she realized
she really liked Wilder. Because of
Ness’ oddly tall height, Wilder felt
the same way about her. Ness ex-
plained to our writing committee
that at the end of the safari tour bus,
she found him behind the parked
bus ready to ask her out; and guess
what?! Giraffes don’t speak, but their
love was strong enough to give the
giraffe, Wilder the power to speak
more than three languages! How
amazing is that?!
So, after eight months worth of
commitment, love, and safari dates,
Wilder and Ness finally decided to
settle down and get married. Wilder
proposed in the beautiful safari, of
course. The way Wilder popped up
the question to Ness was extremely
well-thought and romantic. Wilder took her on the same safari tour
she went on when they first met and
at the end of the tour, she found the
rest of the wild safari animals, all
holding up a sign that said “look behind you”. When she looked back,
she found a trail of every one of her
favorite flowers, all leading up to
Wilder kneeled down on the safari
grass right on the spot where they
had their first picnic. That is when
wilder asked her the question that
would change their lives forever. Incredible right?! And extremely romantic! And on top of that, she said
yes!
The oddly romantic couple’s
wedding took place in September
25th in the safari in Africa that is
famous for being the most beautiful
place to get married in. Looks like
they thought all of it out perfectly
so that they would have the most
amazing wedding ever.
Entertainment
Are Thunderstorms Created By The CIA?
Written By: Daniel DiVenere
Do you ever feel that thunderstorms always occur during galactic events? Well, guess what! They
are purposely created by the CIA to
hide alien battles in space! How do
we know? Well, one CIA agent who
was angry because he didn’t get a
raise told us that AHA aka the Alien
Hiding Act was an official depart-
ment in the government.
What does this division do?
They create electrically charged
clouds and send them over the area.
Then they send in the fighter jets
and boom! We have a hidden intergalactic war! Any alien ships that
explode look like lightning and the
boom is the crash! Isnt that crazy!? I
bet you finally realized how obvious
this is and you’re probably saying,
“why didn’t I think of that!”
Well don’t worry, because the
ALIENS WILL WIN THE WAR
AND YOU WILL LOSE THE FREEDOM TO THINK BECAUSE HUMANS WILL BE A MERE MEMORY! MWHAHAHA!
The World is Turning Upside Down!
Written By: Madison De La Garza
Scientist’s new discovery is
bringing a whole new meaning to
the phrase, “My world was turned
upside down.” Much like Uranus,
Earth’s tilt has started to lean sideways. At this rate, the Earth will
have made an almost full circle in a
year! Instead of the North Pole facing far away from the Sun, it’s now
much closer to it, and the world will
be upside down.
Before you start screaming
and crying and planning what to
do with your last few days alive,
we have some good news from Hilbert Huberson, a man who works at
NASA. “Don’t be alarmed!” he said
calmly, “Earth’s tilting axis will not
make much of a difference in our
lives. No one will be falling off the
planet anytime soon.” However, not
everything will stay the same.
Now that the North Pole won’t
be facing away from the Sun, things
are going to start heating up. The effects of global warming are now going to be one hundred times worse,
and we have to prepare. “Well, for
starters, the ice caps will melt, causing a rise in the ocean,” Hilbert
spoke about in our interview with
him. “Then, the hot areas will get
colder, causing a problem with the
vegetation and the animals in those
areas. We will have to learn to adapt
to the weather changes, or else we
will starve!”
In conclusion, we won’t be fall-
ing off the Earth or learning to walk
on our hands, but if we do not learn
to live with the sudden change, we
will certainly have other causes of
death!
Dr. Pepper changing the world?!
Written By: Abby Smallberg
Did you know that your heart
is sending you messages every single
second of the day? Some may think
that your heart is sort of like a pump,
or two pumps in one. The right side
of your heart receives blood from the
body and pumps it to the lungs. But
that’s not the case! When your heart
beats, it’s telling you that it’s essential
you drink a nice glass of Dr. Pepper.
That is actually why people that love
Dr. Pepper live longer. Yes - thats right
kids! The more Dr. Pepper you drink,
the happier the heart and the healthi-
er you are.
The phosphoric acid and potassium in the soda is actually what allows you to do all sorts of random
things, like skipping, playing monopoly and walking your pet kangaroo.
How exciting! Dr. William Pepper is
truly the most inspirational inventor,
he not only has great taste buds, but
is a hero. Without him, we would be
bored and wouldn’t have Dr. pepper
in our lives. Wow, I am forever grateful for the greatest blessing one could
have, Dr. Pepper.
Entertainment
Entertainment
Ryan Eaton, Rock Whisperer
Written By: Jayde Emory
Ryan Eaton was recently
placed into a 78 hour watch center
because he says that rocks, nonliving things talk to him. He can
hold a rock to his ear and can hear
it answering his questions. Scientists have been performing tests on
him to see if he actually has magical
powers. He claims he is “The Rock
Whisper”, Ryan has approximately
200 rocks in his house.
The test results were positive,
meaning that Ryan Eaton does indeed have super powers. He actually can talk to rocks and understand
what they are going through. Ryan
claims, “The rocks are really having
a hard time with people throwing
them into the lake.” The rocks are
fed up with people skipping them
across the lakes of the world. We all
need to respect the rocks from now
on. Contact Ryan now if you have
any questions. Call 1-800-324-
ROCK.
Why Do We Have Allergies?
Written By: Daniel DiVenere
Let’s just say allergies are not
fun… at all. There’s sneezing, red
eyes, vomiting, upset stomachs,
itchy rashes, hives and much more!
But why do we have them? They are
annoying and dangerous; over fifty
million Americans suffer from allergies. Again, why do we have them?
Well, this is why: one theory was
that the immune system evolved to
fight parasites, such as tapeworms
and ticks, which used to live in and
around our ancestors until modern
sanitation and indoor living made
them much less common - especially in developed countries. Parasites
can have some nasty effects, like si-
phoning off tissues and nutrients,
or cause cancer or cysts. Now, without the bad parasites to battle, the
immune system is going after more
harmless enemies, which take on
similar shapes as the proteins that
parasites release.
But one immunobiologist at
Yale University, Ruslan Medzhitov,
doesn’t think that it makes a lot of
sense from an evolutionary perspective. He agrees that allergies are
a body’s immune system reacting
unnecessarily, but he hypothesizes that the huge, rapid attack, is to
quickly rid the body of toxic bacteria before they take hold and cause
an infection. Sometimes harmless
particles, like pollen, trigger that
chemical alarm. Allergies would
have protected our ancestors by
flushing out these chemicals. The
discomfort our ancestors felt when
exposed to these allergens might
have led them to move to safer parts
of their environment. Like many
adaptations, allergies weren’t perfect. They lowered the odds of dying from toxins but didn’t eliminate
the risk. Sometimes the immune
system overreacts dangerously. So
there you have it! Everything has a
reason!
member things for months.
Swallowing chewing gum will not
take seven years to digest. In fact,
we don’t digest it at all. It passes
harmlessly through our bodies.
There is no such thing as having
a truly “photographic” memory.
Even people with exceptional
memories don’t recall events with
enough detail to mimic a camera.
Fingernails and hair do not keep
growing once we die. Instead, our
skin shrinks, giving the appearance of growth.
Cracking your knuckles won’t
give you arthritis. Age, injury,
obesity and genetics will give you
arthritis.
Getting hit by a penny that was
dropped from the top of the Em-
pire State Building won’t kill you.
The penny’s speed will max out
at about 50 mph, which isn’t fast
enough to kill. Although it would
still probably hurt.
Microwave radiation doesn’t
cause cancer. Only a few kinds of
radiation can cause cancer (and it
depends on the dosage).
McDonald’s burgers can and will
rot under the right conditions to
break the processed food down.
Giving children sugar doesn’t
make them hyper. In several trials, kids were just as hyper, regardless of if they received the
sugar-filled or sugar-free drinks.
Dogs and cats don’t see in grey
scale, they see in shades of blue
and green.
Untrue Facts
Written By: Abby Smallberg
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Pure water doesn’t conduct electricity well. The reason you would
get shocked if in water is because
of the minerals, dirt and other
things IN the water that will conduct electricity well.
Lightning never strikes the same
place twice.
Vitamin C is an effective treatment against the common cold.
You can’t fold a piece of paper in
half more than seven times.
You aren’t born with all of the
brain cells you currently have.
There is evidence your brain will
continue to produce new cells in
certain regions, a process called
neurogenesis.
Goldfish don’t have thirty second
memories. In fact, they can re-
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ANIMALS
Worm/Snake Comes Back From the Dead?
Written By: Madison De La Garza
Do you remember when you
were younger? Were you told stories
about killer clowns sneaking their
way up your drains and kidnapping
children? Or, even worse, bugs coming out of the showerhead? Well,
your worst childhood fear is coming
true; and believe me, you’re going to
need to brace yourself for it.
On April 26th the Louisiana
Animal Control Center got a call
from a distressed woman in her 50’s
very late at night. “She was hysterical,” says Detective Rob Calculon.
“She was screaming about how a
snake crawled up and out of her
toilet. No one at the LACC believed
her.”
However, the woman’s claims
of a creepy crawler in her pipes
weren’t wrong. When animal control arrived, the woman was squatting on top of her bathroom sink,
her eyes practically bulging out of
her head, her phone clutched tight
in hand. Sure enough, there was a
frightening and ginormous black
snake squirming around the bathroom floor, dripping toilet water.
We decided to interview the
woman to see if we could get a closer look into the story. “One moment
I’m washing my face, and the next,
I’m praying that the darn thing
don’t poison me with its teeth!” The
woman, who goes by the name of
Darla Barnes, was pretty shaken up.
“Needless to say, I won’t feel safe
doin’ my business for a while now!”
There is no word on where the
snakes came from or how we’re going to fix this problem. As of right
now, there have been no reports on
other snakes invading anyone’s privacy. When we asked Ms. Barnes
where she thought the snake may
have come from, she thought for a
moment before responding, “Well, I
did flush a worm down the toilet a
few months ago.”
Was it actually a worm
Ms. Darla Barnes had flushed? Perhaps this is a warning for a chain
of more snake incidents? Until this
mystery is solved, you may want to
check the toilet twice when walking
into the restroom.
ting a voice box into the animal’s
throat. Also a chip is inserted into
the animal’s brain so the machine
can express what they are feeling
or what they are trying to say, into
words. For other models of the machine, it will have a built in map in
the animals brain, so you can always
know where your animal is, and it
will know where you are. Another
feature is having iTunes in the ani-
mals ears so they can listen to their
favorite music; and you can always
setup a playlist for them. You can
access their brain with you iphone
or tablet. It will start at $15,000 and
go to $56,000 for the gold version
inspired by apple. If you dont want
to buy it, then you can go to your
neighborhood petco to pick up your
one week trial. Surgery is required
for your pet.
Talking Pets
Written By: River Jordan
There is so much new technology being created associated with
humans, so Petco™ has created
something for pets. The Pet Speaker was announced April 29, 2015.
This machine will be put into stores
all around the world for all kinds of
pets. It will be available for dogs,
cats, rabbits, pigs, snakes, birds,
and every other kinds of pets that
could use them. This works by put-
Technology
Robotic Soccerball
Written By: Anday Tural
Are you tired of normal soc- You will go from one of the
cer? Are you tired of all things soc- worst soccer players in the world, to
cer? Do you even like soccer? Could Pelé! The robotic soccer ball knows
you care less where this ad is leading that you suck at soccer! This way, it’ll
you? Well, if you answered yes or no direct itself to wherever you want it
to any of those questions, you need to! All you have to do is put in this
the ROBOTIC SOCCER BALL! The ear piece which will direct three caRobotic Soccer Ball is perfect for bles to your brain cells! Which may
anyone who hasn’t seen daylight in tickle a little.
years!
Get your amazing robotic soccerball for only $10,000.
Call 1-800-gettheamazingroboticsoccerball
We’ll see you later when you get your amazing robotic soccerball!
Hollister Dream Man
Written By: Anday Tural
Are you a sad lonely fangirl?
Does your existence thrive around
the knowledge that there is one
dream man for you out there? Even
though deep down you know you’ll
never get him, you keep a little hope
inside you to keep you going. It’s ok,
the truth hurts. But now you don’t
have to hurt anymore!!
Hol l i s -
ter is paving the path to hotness with
their new and highly anticipated
robo-dream man! The dream man
is anything you want him to be! He
even has a highly complicated brain
of his own! But be careful and treat
him right! Because if you don’t, he’ll
walk out on you and leave you right
at square one!
To get this man now for just $500!
Call 1-800-gettheamazingdreammanrightnow!
And I’ll see you when you get your amazing dream man!
A Toilet Fan For Your Sweaty Behind
Written By: Daniel DiVenere
Do you ever feel your buns getting sweaty from all that hard work
on the toilet? Do you ever start feeling hot when you are pushing “a
hard one”?
Well, you’re in for a treat! You
should get the TOILET FAN!!! It’s
great for cooling you down for your
most excruciating moments on the
toilet! To install, you just clip it on
to your toilet seat! And VOILA! You
have the John Crapper Toilet Fan®
installed in minutes!!
Once installed, just click the
big red button that says “It’s time”
and just go for it! Enjoy your new
toilet fan. It will be there for you in
your darkest hours because its bat-
tery powered and has long lasting
LEDs that will light the way during
your relief session!
So come and buy it now!! It’s
only $0.000000000001,not expensive at all!!! And for those who can’t
afford it, we offer payment loans! If
you order it now, we will take $2 off
shipping and handling!
The John Crapper Toilet Fan® is the sole property of John Crapper Company Co. Shipping costs $89 and handling will be
doubled if you give us a hard time. The toilet fan might not operate at it’s full capacity during smelly sessions.
Entertainment
Aliens Invade Earth
Written By: Jacob Kabaivanoff
On April 30, 2015, aliens landed on
Earth. While being bombarded by gossip
network TMZ (who, frankly, had nothing
better to do) released that they were here
only for three days to resurrect Michael
Jackson. On G.O.A.T., A government
owned alien territory in space, a group
of extraterrestrial scientists got together
to figure out how to bring someone back
from the dead. Their motivation was MJ
and his inspiring music that they just got
on G.O.A.T. Once a formula was created, they traveled six light years to Earth,
just to bring back the infamous singer going to resurrect Selena Quintanilla, but doesn’t love Selena Quintanilla? That’s all
and to force him to make more music. wanted to focus on Mickey J, but will be for now.
Rumor has it that these aliens were also back, and we’ll be waiting because who
Allergic Reaction to Plastic Surgery Causes Kim
Kardashian’s Hair To Turn Blonde
Written By: Madison De La Garza
We all suspected that Kim’s
doll-like body was a product of numerous surgeries, but now we have
proof; her latest drastic change.
Some are saying that she
bleached her hair to fit in with the
latest trend, but we know the truth.
We even visited Kim’s alleged plastic surgeon to get the inside scoop.
“I’m not admitting to operating on
Kim,” they said, “all I’m admitting to
is being a wonderful and good quality surgeon. And even if Kim was
one of my clients, I would not give
any reporters that kind of classified
information… for less than a couple
hundred dollars.”
We ruled the surgeon as an untrustworthy source and moved on
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Are You An Ex-
no matter what she does!” said 16
year old Sandra Carson, who identifies as “Kim’s Biggest Fan.” Another
big supporter, Oscar Truman, said;
“Personally, I like her blonde hair
better. Accident or not, it’s totally
fab!”
However, not everyone appreciates her new ‘do. “She looks like
Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter,”
said Andrew Oxford, 14. Others are
focused on their hatred for plastic
surgery. “It’s unnatural!” exclaimed
Hallie Hunters, 17. “I think it’s disgusting!”
Some were indifferent. “It’s
her body and she can do what she
wants,” said a young girl who looked
very uninterested in the interview.
At the end of the day, Kim’s personal life is none of our business…
but if you ask us, we don’t think this
unfortunate botox event was an accident!
Current Events
Kiwi The Dog Flies to The Moon
Written By: River Jordan
Kiwi the dog lives in Los
Angeles, CA. This dog loves to
wander off and is very curious
about the outside world. Today,
this dog went a little too far and
wandered two and a half miles
from his house to the NASA
space station.
As the dog wandered onto the
take off area, the tech men
came aboard for one last check
before take-off. As you can
guess, the dog wandered on
and went to sleep near the tip
of the spaceship. Everyone left
and the astronauts boarded for take
off. 3,2,1 blastoff.
The spaceship took off as they
realised there was a dog aboard.
There was no way to stop it and
they kept going on there journey to
the moon. Right now, the dog is in
space about to land on the moon.
1. Will the dog survive and make it
back to earth?
2. Will kiwi be the first dog to land
and walk on the moon?
3. Or will they waste three billion
dollars and fly back to Earth?
Missing Link
Written By: Daisy Torres
Recently, osteologists have been
searching all over sub-saharan Africa and
northern Europe mining for the missing
link in our evolution. The “missing link”
is a term often thrown around by people to describe fossils that are believed
to bridge the evolutionary split between
higher primates such as monkeys, apes,
and humans. Somewhere we went wrong
and started wearing clothing with “swag”.
Many scientists cringe when the word
“swag” used, because it often suggests far
more importance and meaning a given
discovery actually holds.
The more accurate term for “missing
link” is transitional morphologies, and is
used by paleontologists to describe crucial evolutionary discoveries that contain
the anatomical features of both older and
newer physiology. In case you understood
none of that, missing link means we need
to eliminate all swag from the face of the
Earth.
As scientists were searching, they
made discoveries, in southern Germany
and in Ethiopia. In Germany, they found
remains of a hominid, similar to a homo
habilis. The only difference was it wasn’t
associated with “swag”. It’s believed that
homo habilis are the least similar to humans in the “homo” category, causing
much controversy. A lot of the factual
information hasn’t been confirmed yet,
leaving everyone on the edge of suspense.
The people who discovered the fossil and
their company has set a day for the fifteenth of May to release any other news
they may uncover about the “swag”.
South Korea takes Kim Jong Un Six Feet Under
Written By: Daisy Torres
North Korea is under chaos as their
leader, Kim Jong Un, has been assassinated by a man by the name of Lee Yeon
(Yeon Lee). Kim died at the age of thirty
three. They found Kim in his king sized
bed with multiple stab wounds, and his
face had been disfigured with what seems
to be a knife. Most of the evidence was
eliminated, but DNA from fingerprints
appeared on Kim’s door hinge. No one
knows where Yeon went, or how he man-
aged to get even close to Kim. Rumor has
it that South Korea hired him, but confirmation awaits. Park Geun-Hye, South Korea’s president, has denied any questions
and tells media he would like to stay out
of the situation. Many North Korean soldiers raided small South Korean towns
and took innocent citizens hostage. Luckily, America intervened and halted all aggression coming from the North. Many
believe America was involved with South
Korea. They think this since South Korea
cut of almost all of America’s trade with
South Korea and Russia. Yeon’s family
members confessed to him being associated with the South Korean S.W.A.T team.
Investigators are still looking into the situation. Only three days after Kim’s death,
many families retrieved their loved ones
after being under North Korean rule.
Daniel’s Den
A (really) Random Story By Arnold Schwarzenegger
Written By: Daniel DiVenere
It all started when our (former) star,
Bill Brasky, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling barely exasperated, Bill
attacked a live hand grenade, thinking it
would make him feel better (but as usual,
it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved iPad was
missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky
had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were
striking ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique.
She was clever though sometimes a little...
dimwitted. Bill Brasky called her anyway,
for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very
angry Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks belch before mating, yet
Indonesian devil cats usually surreptitiously cringe *after* mating. She had no
idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why
was Leeroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill
Brasky? Because she had snuck out from
Bill Brasky’s with the iPad only eleven
days prior. It was an eccentric little iPad...
how could she resist?
It didn’t take long before Bill Brasky
got back to the subject at hand - his iPad.
Leroy Jenkins sighed. Reluctantly, Leroy
Jenkins invited him over, assuring him
they’d find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed
his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the
phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was
in trouble. She had to find a place to hide
the iPad and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Bill Brasky took the
magic flying carpet, she had take at least
four minutes before Bill Brasky would get
there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be alarmingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any
reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by six insensitive cockroaches
that were lured by her iPad. Leroy Jenkins
sighed; “Not again”, she thought. Feeling
exasperated, she randomly reached for
her gun and deftly shot every last one of
them. Apparently this was an adequate
deterrent - the discouraged critters began
to scurry back toward the bush, squealing
with discontent. She exhaled with relief.
That’s when she heard the Segway rolling
up. It was Bill Brasky.
“Come in,” Leroy Jenkins earnestly
purred. With a hasty push, Bill Brasky
opened the door. “Sorry for being late, but
I was being chased by some funny-smelling noble genius in a magic flying carpet,”
he said. “It’s fine,” Leroy Jenkins assured
him. Bill Brasky took a seat mysteriously
distant from where Leeroy Jenkins had
hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins belched
trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. “Uhh, can I get you anything?” she
blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted.
Before anyone could take off their socks,
Leroy Jenkins noticed a dimwitted look
on Bill Brasky’s face. Bill Brasky slowly
opened his mouth to speak.
“...What’s that smell?”
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in
her prostate when Bill Brasky asked this.
In a moment of disbelief, she realized
that she had hidden the iPad right by her
handsome fan. “Wh-what? I don’t smell
anything..!” A lie. A pestering look started
to form on Bill Brasky’s face. He turned
to notice a box that seemed clearly out of
place. ”Th-th-those are just my grandma’s
ninja stars from when she used to have pet
venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped ‘em
by here earlier”. Bill Brasky nodded with
fake acknowledgement...then, before Leeroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened
it. The iPad was plainly in view.
Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins
for what what must’ve been eight microseconds. A few freak nasty minutes later,
Leroy Jenkins groped flamboyantly in
Bill Brasky’s direction, clearly desperate.
Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted
for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins
let out a enchanting chuckle. “If only you
hadn’t been so protective of that thing,
none of this would have happened, Bill
Brasky,” she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little funny-smelling, so
Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was
not an option; he needed to escape be-
fore Leeroy Jenkins did something crazy,
like... start chucking ninja stars at her or
something. Before anyone could take off
their pants, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window,
diving headlong through the glass panels
and running away into yonder.
Bill Brasky was struggling to make
his way through the disease-infested
jungle behind Leroy Jenkins’s place. Bill
Brasky had severely hurt his liver during
the window incident, and was starting to
lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught
wind of the iPad. One by one they latched
on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from
his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing
he saw before losing consciousness was
a buzzing horde of marmots running off
with his iPad.
About ten hours later, Bill Brasky
awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark
and Bill Brasky did not know where he
was. Deep in the mysterious bush, Bill
Brasky was abundantly lost. A few freak
nasty minutes later, he remembered that
his iPad was taken by the marmots. But
at that point, he was just thankful for his
life. That’s when, to his horror, a bloated
marmot emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha marmot. Bill Brasky
opened his mouth to scream but was cut
short when the marmot sunk its teeth into
Bill Brasky’s taint. With a faint groan, the
life escaped from Bill Brasky’s lungs, but
not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the
loss of the iPad. “MY PRECIOUS!” she
cried, as she reached for a sharpened
dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a quick
thrust, she buried it deeply into her double
chin. As the room began to fade to black,
she thought about Bill Brasky... wishing
she had found the courage to tell him that
she loved him. But she would die alone
that day. All that remained was the iPad
that had turned them against each other,
ultimately causing their demise. And as
the dew on melancholy sapling branches
Staff Selfie Page
Jayde Emory - Editor in Chief
Izzy Manko - Editor in Chief and
Graphic Designer
Jacob Kabaivanoff - Graphic Designer
Vale De La Maza - Art Department
John Probandt - Art Department
Gavin Thompson - Art Department
5 Words from Mr. Shine
I really try not to
Olivia Cella - Art Department
Bryton Berdahl - Photo Editor
Anday Tural - Photo Editor
Hillary Lewis - Reporter
Jameel Shivji - Reporter
Daisy Torres - Copy Editor
Madison Lee - Reporter
Abby Smallberg - Reporter
Nicholas Lee - Reporter
Keely Savitt - Reporter
River Jordan - Reporter
Daniel DiVenere - IT
Cullen McCarthy - IT
Michael Fookson - IT
Jason Shine - CEO
Josh Dobrowner - Chief Technician