5 Grues me Br thers© Reinvent Dressage

the
Grues
A Ne a r l y I n c om p l e te
S ome w h a t De f i n i t i ve
Almo s t Un iq ue
Mo s t l y H a r m l e s s
me Br
thers© 2007 CA LE NDA R
Reinvent Dressage
5
. . . w i t h p r o p e r p e rs p e c t i ve o n t h e
re l a t i ve v a l ue s o f t h e d ays o f t h e we e k
& b o n u s e q ue s t r i a n t r i v i a l t r u t h s
Enter at A, Deliver Food at X
(Almost on time, early would
have been better . . .)
Collective Marks:
Room Service with Impulsion: 5 (we rang the bell 30 seconds ago!!)
Attentiveness to Needs: 5 (timothy hay barely sufficient)
Position: 4 (looks unfit, could use more exercise)
Gaits: 5 (adequate for a human)
6
K
Slight wobble on entry
but halted straight and
square. Needs alfalfa
cubes for higher marks!
H
E
A
C
F
B
B l ame f o r t h i s C a l e n d a r: N a n cy N i c h o l s o n, P h . D.
M
Th e G r ue s ome Br o t h e rs de s i g n TEST ONE . . .
7
Enter at A, Deliver Food at X
(On time, early would
have been better . . .)
Collective Marks:
Room Service with Impulsion: 6 (we rang the bell 15 seconds ago!!)
Attentiveness to Needs: 7 (food fresh, carrots still have tops)
Position: 4 (looks unfit, could use more exercise)
Gaits: 6 (pretty good for a human)
8
K
Slight wobble on entry
but halted straight and
square. Needs alfalfa
cubes for higher marks!
H
E
A
C
F
B
M
Th e G r ue s ome Br o t h e rs de s i g n TEST T WO . . .
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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Horsefeathers: tapered boards laid on wood shingle roofs to provide a flat surface for asphalt shingles (undocumented). The term in
some roofing manuals means the same. “Horsefeathers” is used colloquially from about 1925 onward to mean “stuff and nonsense.”
Funk 1972 - “Horsefeathers & More Than 600 Other Curious Words”
JANUARY 2007
8
Enter at A, Deliver Food at X
(Almost early.
Aww . . . fell down)
Collective Marks:
Room Service with Impulsion: 8 (we rang the bell 10 seconds ago!!)
Attentiveness to Needs: 7 (food OK, must remove carrot tops)
Position: 4 (looks unfit, could use more exercise)
Gaits: 7 (pretty good for a human, some potential for speed)
9
H
E
K
A
Lotsa
F
B
Stumble on entry
but fell straight and
square. Needs alfalfa
cubes for higher marks!
M
C
Th e G r ue s ome Br o t h e rs de s i g n TEST TH R EE. . .
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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Pastern: control of the movements of animals is the essence of stock management. The pastern of a horse originally meant the rope or cord by which it was
hobbled. The root pã, ‘to feed’ gave Latin pascere and its derivative pastura. The Old French pasture meant the “hobble” as well as the “pasture.” Potter & Sargent 1974 Pedigree: the Origins of Words from Nature
FEBRUARY 2007
She likes YOU best!
What a pair of public
pouters! They each
have exactly the
same treats!
They win La
Carrotte d’Or!
The Gruesome Brothers
give a world class performance
in the Theater of Self-Pity,
becoming the 2006
winners of La Carrotte d’Or
(The Golden Carrot: Over The Tops).
Lotsa
Lotsa
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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1
Horse trivia:
horse-tail
horse-kiss
horse-leech
horse-ant
horse-chestnut
horse-play
horse-fly
horse-ant
cabercollie
is Gaelic for
“woods-horse.”
He knows when you’re happy. He knows when you’re comfortable. He knows when you’re confident.
And he always knows when you have carrots. ~Anonymous
MARCH 2007
More horse trivia:
horse-grandmother
horse-parsley
horse-radish
horse-mackerel
Humans are so frightfully easy to
domesticate, don’t you think? Very
easy to train to interact
We’ll think of something, Dear Trainer.!
properly with us!
horsie noshes, vitamins,
alfalfa cubes...Have I
forgotten ANYTHING??
Collected
Wisdom
For instance, you could
take the tops off the
carrots...they are not
quite succulent.
Dr. Bennett says,
“Riding is a system of training
the horse to interact with
humans.”
Sugar, apples, carrots,
Lotsa
The Gruesome Brothers set up their training program.
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
26 In the news:
27 mummy
28 An open wound 29 death with
probably led to a
blood infection.
Investigations of the
history of how he
died connect the
an account in the
Talmud. This reopens
the debate about
who was Pharaoh in
Egypt at the time of
Israelite presence.
30
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Tutankhamun was
not assassinated,
according to new
studies. Computer
tomography of his
revealed damage
characteristic of a
fall from a horse or
chariot. The young
king was a hunter
and sportsman.
M30
Reiten lernt Man beim fegen . . .
~German stable proverb: You learn to ride by sweeping . . .
APRIL 2007
10
I think the covers have more flavor...
...and that flatulence
contributes to greenhouse
gases!
A book a day keeps
brain rot away!
BLAAAT!
N
RAI ge
G
&
A
HAY he New
for t
EQUI-NETICS
The
COMPLETE TRAINING
of the Human Species
I Did It MY Way...
Grand Prix
Transcendental
Biomechanics
MUNCH
CA-RUNCH
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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11
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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1Lewis Carroll -
2
3
“The great art of
riding,” the Knight
suddenly began in a
loud voice, waving
his right arm as he
spoke, “is to keep–”
Here the sentence ended as suddenly as it had begun, as the Knight fell
heavily on top of his head exactly in the
path where Alice was walking.
She was quite frightened this time,
as she picked him up. “I hope no bones
are broken?”
“None to speak of,” the Knight said,
as if he didn’t mind breaking two or
three of them.
“The great art of riding, as I was
saying, is to keep your balance . . .
Rider: Middle English riden, Anglo-Saxon ridan. Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary says: Ride - to sit on and be carried along by a horse or other animal; especially
to sit on and control a horse in motion. Rider - one who breaks or manages a horse. Break: Middle English breken, Anglo-Saxon brecan, Low German breken,
German brechen, Dutch breken, Gothic briken. WUD says Break - to cause to part by force, also synonymous with ‘tame.’ The White Knight from Alice Through
the Looking Glass has united the concepts of riding and breaking.
M AY 2 0 0 7
12
Le Piaffe. . . dans ce que mon
avant-main est soulevée avec
la bonne grace. . . J'ai appris à faire
un pas en place sans avancer,
ni à m'écarter, ni pour se croiser,
C'EST l'action du piaffe. . .
My horses can be scholars of the
High school!
The Piaffe . . . in which my
forehand is raised with good
grace . . . I have learned to step
in place without advancing , not
to move back, not to cross
myself, THIS is the action of the
piaffe . . .
Sounds like WORK . . .
Equi-Psycho
Cybernetics
I do this stuff only
in your dreams,
Dear Trainer . . .
In your dreams!
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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13
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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1
The wise horse cares not how fast a man may run. ~Armenian Proverb
A man in a passion rides a mad horse. ~Poor Richard’s Almanac
JUNE 2007
14
Guten tag! Vulkan! We are Max and Anchie-Poo!
We are 100% American Original Morgans...you
might say we are the Gruesome Brothers!
Guten Tag, Freunde!
Oder ist das, “Guten Morgene?”
Ich bin ‘Vulkan’ aus Baden-Württemberg!
You might say I am a Designer Sport Horse!
We are Charter Members
of the Clean Plate Club.
Wanna join?
There are three Club Rules...
One, Our trainer likes to feel guilty.
Two, to keep her happy, we always act
starved.
Three, she can never bring us enough meals
between snacks!
Sp
ort
Set of Ten: EuroStyle
Ho
rse
K
so it
r
As
Sy ted A
mb nt
ols ler
Equi-Joy Company
Peel & Stick
Designer
Labels
Ja! Immer die Mahlzeit!
Forever, it is mealtime!
The gruesome bros meet
Vulkan, the born-again Euro
Sport Horse...and establish a
firm symbolic foundation for
international accord!
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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15
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ~W.C. Fields
All I pay my psychiatrist is the cost of feed and hay, and he’ll listen to me any day. ~Author Unknown
J U LY 2 0 0 7
16
Sorry-NO
refunds if
damaged.
How many
calories in a
saddle?
y
p
ap
H
sie
or
H
o
H
!
ys
a
lid
Holistic Happy Horse Co.
the gruesome bros show their gourmand talents!
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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17
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
30
31Go right to the
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A horse is a horse, of
course, of course,
And no one can talk to
a horse of course.
That is, of course,
unless the horse is the
famous Mister Ed!
source and ask the
horse,
He’ll give you the
answer that you’ll
endorse.
He’s always on a
steady course.
Talk to Mister Ed!
People yakkity yak a streak and
waste your time of day,
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has
something to say!
A horse is a horse, of course, of
course,
And this one’ll talk ‘til his voice is
hoarse.
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well listen to this: “I am Mister Ed.”
Mr. Ed was “Bamboo Harvester” (Palomino Saddlebred x Arabian cross). — 1961 Television Show Theme Song by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans
Reasons Mr. Ed talked to Wilbur Post:
• Because, inside, you’re all horse. • Because you love animals and because you trust them. • I got tired of talking to parrots, and you were the next best thing. • Because you’re the only one I like well enough to talk to,
Wilbur. • I only talk to you and to dumb animals. •
AUGUST 2007
18
Well, ladies! Three more strides
and we’ll put the FREE back
into freestyle!
6
4
Allegro giusto . . .
How about we
do side-by-side
double toe loops?
Well, OK . . . but I’ve
always wanted to know
what they’d do if
we blurred a spin!
Pas de Deux . . .
as revised by the
Gruesome Brothers,
with new insights
for “just allegro!”
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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19
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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People on horses look better than they are. People in cars look worse than they are. ~Marya Mannes
If the world was truly a rational place, men would ride sidesaddle. ~Rita Mae Brown
SEPTEMBER 2007
20
Plutarch’s Lives
of Great Horses
TRIGGER TELLS IT LIKE IT WAS
an unauthorized Biography
of Roy and Dale
Mr. Ed My
steries
Xenophon’s First Horse
True Confessions
Personally Max,
I wouldn’t have accepted
anything less than the OverLordShip
of the Universe . . . and that only until
something better came along!
The Lives of the Caesars
and Their Horses
Hay! Listen to this, Anchorman!
“To prevent his favorite horse Incitatus from growing
excited, Caligula always picketed the grounds with Caligula even planned
to award Incitatus a
troops the day before the races, ordering them to
maintain absolute silence. Incitatus owned a marble consulship, it is said.
stable, an ivory stall, a purple blanket and a jewelled
collar. He also owned a house, furniture and slaves --to provide suitable entertainment for guests
invited in his name.”
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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21
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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Horse: Old English hors. Cognates exist in Old High German, Low German (e. g. Ross). Besides the animal, it usually means plain, work-a-day character. Sargent
& Potter 1974 Pedigree . . . Latin “run” can be curro, currere, cucurri, cursus --- meaning trot, gallop, speed. English “horse” may become Latin currus, indicating
a chariot or light horse vehicle.
OCTOBER 2007
22
35. I Halt - immobility - salute.
. . . 34. L to I Passage
Leave arena without
looking stressed . . .
REMEMBER TO
BREATHE!
Dearest Trainer!
I know all about immobility!
To misquote Yogi Bera:
“It’s over when
it’s over!”
. . . Piaffe 12-15 steps
33. L Proceed in passage
Hope Vulkan lowers his
haunches for piaffe!
Dear Trainer! With
haunches like mine,
this
is
“lowered!”
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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23
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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They say princes learn no art truly, but the art of horsemanship. The reason is, the brave beast is no flatterer. He will throw a prince as soon as his groom.
~Ben Jonson 1572-1637
. . .being firmly mounted on the beast in everything you do and no matter what might happen to you.
Bem Cavalgar ~d’El Rey Dom Duarte the Eloquent of Portugal circa 1434
NOVEMBER 2007
24
Look,
Dear Trainer...
...you celebrate the
holidays YOUR
way and we’ll
celebrate them
OUR way!
???
Did you thank her for
putting her credit
cards where we
could get them?
Neigh. She’ll find
out soon enough
when she gets
the bill for all
this!
customizable
anatomically
correct
equi-joy-toy
trainer on a string marionettes
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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25
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
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Mare: Old English mere, feminine of mearth, a horse. The “mare” of “nightmare” was a goblin who sat on the chest of a sleeper. This latter “mare” also means
“an incubus” in Old English, as in niht + maere. Potter & Sargent 1974 Pedigree: the Origins of Words from Nature ( French pied de grue = foot of the crane or
the bird Grus grus). In Caucerian Middle English (Chronicles of Troy, “Who so lyst loke and doe unfolde/ The pee de grewe of these chronicles olde.”
DECEMBER 2007
The half-halt is foremost a balancing tool. . . . For the
half-halt to be effective, the horse must be responsive
to the forward driving aids. . . . If the half-halt succeeds,
the horse will respond by gathering itself up under
the rider’s center of balance . . .
NEIGH, NEIGH
Dear Trainer!!
eric herbermann
Where DO you find
such inspirational
little statues?
The Gruesome Brothers expound
their views on the HALF HALT and
diagram an improbable improvement on the computer version of
the HALTING PROBLEM in preparation for the spring show season.
NOT
DOES YOUR HORSE KNOW
THE AIDS FOR THE HALT?
NO
YES
HALT
SHOPP ING LIST
TO DO (f or sure )
TO DO (m aybe )
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27
OHIMondayA
Tuesday
(Oh heck,
it’s Monday
again!)
Wednesday
Thursday
(Hump Day!)
TGIFriday
aturday
(Thank goodness it’s
Friday!)
unday
31
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Halting Problem: Equestrian Science - horse does not stop when asked to do so by the rider. Related to the running-on problem, or horse continues to run on,
even after the rider has dropped away. Parallel in Computer Science - the problem of stopping a computation (operation such as cantering) between crashes
(falls) or within a repeating loop (circle until the horse gets tired). Kelley-Bootle 1981 - The Devil’s Data Processing Dictionary
JANUARY 2008
28
the
Grues
A Ne a r l y I n c om p l e te
S ome w h a t De f i n i t i ve
Almo s t Un iq ue
Mo s t l y H a r m l e s s
thers*
me Br
Reinvent Dressage
2007 CA LE NDA R
DI S CLAIME R AND WAR N ING:
*The Unusual Suspects:
Ben-Lyn Anchorman (Anchie-Poo) Morgan
Raynyday Maximillian (Max) Morgan
Vulkan (Württemberger)
Any resemblance of the characters depicted to
the victims (past, present or future) of the Gruesome Brothers’ charisma is entirely intentional.
This calendar was undertaken as a non-cathartic
activity for part of an irregular program of mental
hygiene and uttlerly unprofessional caring.
8
Enter at A, Deliver Food at X
(Almost early.
Aww . . . crawling. Remain
standing for higher marks.)
Collective Marks:
Room Service with Impulsion: 9 (we rang the bell 5 seconds ago!!)
Attentiveness to Needs: 9 (food fresh, still must remove carrot tops)
Position: 4 (looks unfit, could use more conditioning)
Gaits: 5 ( a human should show some potential for speed)
8
H
E
K
A
Lotsa
F
B
Creeping entry
but flopped straight and
square. At last! Alfalfa
cubes!
M
C
Th e G r ue s ome Br o t h e rs de s i g n TEST FOU R .