The Juice Vol. 3 – Prom Edition PDF

LIKE,TOTALLY
PROM ISSUE:
HOAX EDITION
3,956 Ways
To Look Like
Our Airbrushed
Cover Girl! *just in
time for prom
We
:)
He blatantly
ignores you in
public: What does
it reallly mean?
5 easy ways to commodify your
dissent... we’ll show you how!
PROM HOROSCOPES:
Will he or won’t he be your
high school sweetheart...till
death do you part?!
How to put
the “Prom” In
Promiscuous
because it’s so hard
The Popular Boys (that grow up
to be douche faces ; )
200 Skin
Perfecting
Products:
otherwise
someone might be
dateless :)
LUNCH MONEY
1
Content intended for comedic effect. And if you need us to tell you that, go find your mom and have her put your helmet & leash back on
THE JUICE
by Orange Juice in Bishop’s Garden
Volume 3, May 2010
In This Issue:
Ballin’ On A Budget
C Is For Cliché
s
DOs & DON’Ts For Prom 2010: How To Looka HOT! mes
PLUS: Incriminating Prom Pics of the OJBG Staff and More...
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Ballin’ on a Budget
Don’t spend all your mula. Shelling out for prom is straight up hoo-ha!
Really, you need not spend every nickel you find in the couch cushions or
your mom’s wallet. We’ve gone hunting for a few stunners that
won’t break the bank and won’t sit in your closet after prom is
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done and gone. Also, DCPS HS girls... check this out.
New and used promtastic things, April 15th.
3
1
1 Long dress, Alloy.com
2 Beaded headband, Forever21.com
4
5
6
3 Tutu dress, Unique-Vintage.com
(FYI, check out their Flapper
Dresses, too. Or decorate your head
instead of your wrist.)
4 Not a prom dress, Forever21.com (Really be one in a million
- sort of Ringling Bros. (ish) a la... last week's Project Runway.)
5 Prom Collection, Forever21.com’s new line
6 Vintage, ebay.com (super cheap and super sexy vintage 50’s and
60's dresses you can find any day of the week!)
7 Betsey Johnson (always outlandishly girly)
*Go comfy - wear flats (or
Chucks) and dance the night away
7
3
If you can buy a pre-made backdrop, it’s probably cliche.
New York, New York
ter or white
Any kind of win
theme.
C is For Cliché
I bet the better half of us look back at prom
pictures wondering what the HECK we and
the prom committee were thinking. The
types running the event tend to be dwelling
on some pre-pubescent fantasy land. What is
with this prom lore, sprinkled with glitter
and constructed of set-decks gone wrong?
Don’t you get to vote on these themes? Do
your class a favor - find the “nerdy” drama
kid’s locker and beg him to inject some
creativity into the options... or at least
commission his artsy-fartsy friends to create
a backdrop that won’t scream “crafty moms
Vegas
ino or Las
s
a
c
g
in
h
t
Any
st NO!
related...Ju
Ah Pari
ittle
e the l
v
i
G
.
r
ate
!!!
Underw
e back
m
e
h
t
id her
merma
Hollywood
The stars, celeb or celestial
with glue sticks gone wild.” Trust us “le
freak” will bring the chic to this one.
Ah ...Gay Pari
Nautical, even worse is the
Titanic. It sank, let it go!
If you must, just have a
bake sale and rent a party
boat.
4
DOs & DON’Ts
for Prom 2010
Don’t go with just anyone. Better to go with your
friends or fly solo, than to go with someone
random just because they have a pulse that isn't
yours. There is nothing worse than a bad date.
Don’t spend your (or your
parents') whole month's
check on extras, le cheap c’est
chic. Don't let "Gossip Girl"
fool you: Conspicuous
Consumption hasn't been
cool since "Dallas" or
"Dynasty" , and, um, actually
it wasn't even cool then.
Don’t get us wrong, we’re all
for making friends envious
with a dash of Invidious
Consumption, just save the
Benjees for shelter and
sustenance.
Don’t let it all hang out, better
to be mystery meat than fresh
meat. Keep it classy.
Don’t wear tiaras to the prom.
Save it for your birthday, if you
absolutely must be a pretty
pretty princess.
Don’t forget the corsage and
boutonniere. Do get crafty wit
it. Here’s a how-to for an
orchid and dishcloth corsage. And
check out these bespoke boutonnieres
from Fritts Rosenow (pictured, right.)
5
JUST DON’T
Don’t wait for your date in the car while honking your
horn. Seriously. Don't be an a-hole. Emily Post would have
a coronary and your date should slap you.
By any means possible, don’t let your parents drive you
to prom. It can get awkward. But also...
Don’t get a freakin' Limo--seriously it's tacky. And
played out. We swear, it is precisely 65 times more
awesome to take public transportation to prom.
Riding the subway, taking the bus or stepping out of a
taxi... is the ULTIMATE. We should know. We've
done it. Your pictures won’t suffer either.
Don’t reapply in public, no one wants to see you
readjust your fake eyelashes at the dinner table. Do keep
the make up in your bag or bosom until you take a bathroom
break. Plus, the bathroom is an epic wonderland for besties of
both gender to chit and chat. Or scrap the face paint and go au
naturel, we tink you’re B-euwtiful. Yes, we tink.
Don’t attempt dance moves you've only seen in movies or
music videos. Unless... you’ve practiced in front of a mirror or
with some lucky duck and no one’s been hurt, mentally or
physically.
Don’t go just because everyone says you NEED to. Chances are, you won't regret it or dwell
on
it. Hell, you probably won't even remember.
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Don’t over do the PDA;
beyond sneaking your
beloved a smooch here and
there, it’s not super cute.
And we have a compelling
argument for public decency
- Facebook. Nuff said.
Don’t toss your cookies... in the bathroom... on
the dance floor... at
home... in a car... in a
hotel... in your parents'
garage... on your
teacher's orthopedic
oxfords-NOWHERE!
Nothing’s more
annoying than drunk
teenagers. It's like
Amateur Night at the Roxy. No one wants
to pick the crusted puke out of your hair OR
keep you from drunkenly texting your ex @ 2 am
OR hear you crying for mommy in the bathroom.
And again, Facebook.
Don’t take your date to the Olive Garden. Your
date won’t be as happy as all those smiling
women in the commercials. If you spring for
anything on prom night, food isn’t a bad choice.
You don’t wanna smell like geriatrics... or fries.
Don’t go with these guys
<----Do ask your date what color
they’re wearing or if they
have a flower preference.
Don't get some ugly-ass
flower that clashes with their
outfit. We hate roses over here
at OJBG headquarters--it's gotta be daisies,
carnations or orchids.
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We Love
Do find the right dress for you (choose wisely,
no one to blame but yourself!) But don't be a
slave to fashion... especially prom trends. They
rarely stand the test of time.
Do express yourself, not some dumb-ass
Seventeen article. Unless you have ZERO taste
or care, then go ahead, read that Prom Issue mag
cover-to-cover.
Do get a second opinion about your make-up. I
know I thought bejeweling my face was OK. It
wasn’t. You can get it professionally done but
please do a test session to make sure the “artist”
really knows their shiz. Don’t wanna spend $$?
You probably have a beauty pro in the fam or
girl clan.
Do be punctual (girlies). Don’t make the poor lad’s one
mustache hair go gray!
Do style your hair like you normally do, if you want.
Nothing’s worse than a hair-sprayed prom ‘do.
Do let your parents take pictures. You just have to. Suck it
up. Plus, if your prom committee does what we think they’ll
do, at least you’ll have a picture where someone can focus on
you and not the chaos in the background.
Do boogie. (No boogies in the nose, though. Clean up
ya hear!) Bring the moves and grooves you have
reserved for your bathroom mirror. But, if you rea%y
hate dancing in public, don't let the pushy Fun-Nazis
insist you do. Those people are annoying.
Do make sure you can walk and dance in your shoes,
if not, you’re screwed. Is your MO 4 inches or
nothing? At least bring flats (or Chucks) along.
Sure, you can always go barefoot when your tootsies
start to swell up like little vienna sausages--but if
you get plantar warts don't say we didn't warn you.
GROSS.
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Prom Must-Haves
Trust us, especially everything we say
on this page.
1. A crimper, at-home highlighting
kit or dull craft scissors.
necessity rating
Believe you me, crimping isn’t only
for your Totally Hair Barbie or
Britney Spears circa 2000. Also fun
- an impulse makeover the night
before... the big night. Try cutting
some bangs or mastering a
structurally flawed highlighting
cap.
2. An aged condom from your
boyfriend’s wallet.
necessity rating
We gave it one star because you could probably do
without it and get any number of the same results.
However, if you like to gamble and have even a
smidgen of optimism, it could be fun to try!
Because we're sure it's in great shape from being sat
on and rubbed with eager anticipation like Gollum
and that ring, for... oh, probably the last 4 years.
3. A thermos with 1/8 in. of every type of
liquor found in your parent’s stash.
necessity rating
There will be absolutely no fun without this classic.
Forget the Visa, don’t leave home without this
haphazard hooch mixture. Just make sure your ‘rents
are fine with picking up your date’s dry cleaning bill.
A-OK? Go get ‘em tiger.
4. The friend that can’t hold his or her
bargain shelf beers or That Guy that
offends everyone before the night is over.
necessity rating
Similar creatures, they both never know when
enough is enough - whether it’s booze or lewd,
misogynistic streams of consciousness. Both keepers!
9
Again, this content is intended for comedic effect.
Do not use these movies for your prom theme:
TOP 5 NO-NOS
5
Pretty in Pink (1986). Making the whole auditorium pink and
faking an 80’s wonderland does not embody how classic this
movie is. Unless, of course, everyone is going to rock shoulder
pads and bad hairdos. We salute a big hot hair-sprayed mess.
What fun!
4
3
Romeo and Juliet (1996). We know it was a
play before a movie and we hope you do too. If
not, we need to have a discussion with your
English teacher. Anyhow, as “romantic” as
dying for love can be, this is definitely the
second most played out prom theme ever.
Resisteth this bad idea.
Casino Royal. Just naming it after a Bond movie doesn’t make
you any cooler than Justin Bieber in a $200,000 Ferrari. We're
brushing your stylish hipster bangs out of your eyes and cutting
the kite strings chiblins - back to Earth.
2
1
Any theme from movies with
choreographed dancing. Uh, like
Footloose (1984) or She’s All That
(1999) - and really half the movies made
in the 1999. Perhaps we're party-poopers
but we'd prefer you leave the group
dance numbers for your next sleepover.
Carrie. This has to be the worst idea for a prom theme
ever, unless your prom is at the end of October. Pigs
blood isn't sexy. Even Megan Fox couldn't pull off the
whole drenched-in-blood look. Drench yourself in some
Cool Water or Britney Spear's Curious and call it a night.
That last suggestion is optional.
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Worst Prom Themes From Flicks
5
-- Twilight (2008) “Monte Carlo”
4
3
-- Drive Me Crazy (1999) “Centennial Celebration”
How unoriginal could movie proms get in 1999?
2
1
-- Back to the Future (1985) “Enchantment Under the Sea”
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992) “Hug the World”
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
“The Earth: Don’t Tread on Me”
The first choice for their prom theme.
Until someone realized, “How do you
NOT tread on the earth? I mean you
kind of have to.” ...Genius!
11
THIS
please
or
notttt
THAT
messy fishtail braids
generic prom updos
soft makeup & bright lips
glitter, eyeliner &
eyeshadow overlo
ad
- control thyself
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rhinestone headbands and messy undone hair
Please, say no to tiaras and other tacky bobbles.
mble.
ofy ense
s your do
ssy, dude
la
Keep it c
s
approve
e
t
a
d
r
u
o
- unless y
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Yea, yea we know. It’s time for the
OBLIGATORY ARTICLE ABOUT SEX
ON PROM NIGHT
Does Your Date Want Sex and You’d Rather Organize Your Sock Drawer?
Best rejections ever--these one liners and ramblings will surely get the point across
(or at least confuse them long enough to make a run for it.)
1). It's not me. It's you.
2). It's not you. It's everyone.
3). Surrender the fantasy.
4). Um, if you loved me, you wouldn't pressure me, you presumptuous d*ck!
5). Sorry
, but you're just not interesting, intelligent, or attractive
enough. But don't worry, if I ever lower my expectations, I'll totally call you.
6). Gee ______, while this Motel 6 is super romantic, I might have to veto this situation. Don't get
me wrong, I “love" that your buddy and his girl are getting it on 12 feet away from us - the more the
merrier - uh, and I really appreciate your creepy parentals getting us this penthouse beaut of a
room... but for some reason, it's just not doin' it for me. Go figure. Maybe another time.... when
you're not wearing a cheap, rented tux that smells like mothballs and a healthy dousing of Axe.
14
Orange Juice in Bishop’s Garden:
Our Embarrassing Prom Pictures
Otessa, Creator/Writer/
Director/Producer of OJBG
Brent Katz, OJ’s #1 Composer
and Harlem Shakes Drummer
One of our lovely & beloved
Directors/AD’s of OJBG
We ♥ Betsey Johnson
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Ashley, Web Designer & Office
Guru @ OJBG HQ
?
awww... isn’t she cute
Emily, PR & Social Media @ OJBG
nice ringlets Emily...
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We love embarrassing Otessa!
Prom
+ Public Transportation
= Awesome
Nothing but a sea of
Betsey Johnson
Most Memorable Updo: note the
clothes pins, chop sticks and pina
colada umbrellas.
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PS (Ladies) After you’re done
with your dress, let another
pretty missy use it. Donate
gently used or new dresses to
donatemydress.org
1: Teen web series (Syn: OJ in BJ, OJBG)
2: The bad things we do, The things we get caught for. And how they
are never the same.
Web series shot in DC about the lives of high schoolers, growing up &
getting down in 1994. --Think grunge, Doc martens, & underage
tomfoolery.
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