The Hugo Herald - Am I the Only One?

Weekly Herald Wednesday Presents
Self-Written.
Self-Produced.
Self-Edited.
Self-Proclaimed
Badass.
The One and Only
Hughes.
Week 16 – September 9th, 2015
The Hugo Herald
“I am a Generous God!” Syrian Refugee Crisis Solved by King Matt
It was a cold and dark night on December 22nd. The air stood still as if the Earth was holding its breath in suspense for
the final game of the season. Matt stepped on the field and contemplated the journey behind him.
After 15 weeks of intense competition, would First Downs Syndrome (8-5) be able to rise to the challenge? The season
was littered with heartbreaking blows, including two rivalry week losses to Scrappy Wins determined by under five
points each. First Downs had also lived up to its name and spent one week drooling on their own chin instead of
playing football, which led to a morale shattering loss against the league’s worst: The Leons.
The last obstacle in First Downs’ way were the ItalianStallion squad. By taking advantage of the league’s outdated
playoff eligibility requirements, the team slipped into championship contention through foul play and sheer luck. In
what some would consider an act of God, in Week 14 ItalianStallion topped its league record in points to KO NoLuv
with a score of 228.90-175.65 (previous high of 162!). Week 15 brought a game so close that the crowd was forced to
clench their sphincter in fear for two hours as Ron barely eased over Abhi by five, 132.14-127.12.
However, First Downs silenced all nay sayers by almost doubling Ron’s score with his squad in true form.
Matt raved during his post-game coronation, “Fuck Disney World! This trophy belongs to the State of Indiana. It goes
out to all the corn farmers, rednecks who never left the state, citizens missing teeth and intelligence, guys and gals with
cleft palates and lobster hands because their mommies and daddies belong to the same gene pool, and trailer trash
who are sitting at home drinking Bud Light while watching this interview! I can’t wait to go back to my kingdom!”
This overzealous boast reached international ears as the interview aired worldwide. Refugee Syrians wandering in the
desert a la “Moses style” set their sights on America. When King Matt was approached to provide asylum, he replied,
“Give me your dots, your poor, your sandy masses yearning to breathe free.” Who would have imagined that such an
undesirable location could be appealing? Due to its lackluster U.S. appeal, Indiana’s majority is almost entirely brown.
League Becomes a West Side Story
Scrappy’s Streak Thwarted!
While examining the rankings for each
conference, it seems that a phenomena very
similar to the one currently puzzling NBA
experts is being witnessed. The East Coast
teams can’t seem to get their act together!
Hacks jobs of the Italian persuasion (5-8) are
sneaking into the latter rounds of the playoffs
with a less than .400 win percentage! In fact,
three of the teams that make up that sorry
division are below .500! However, this isn’t
exactly surprising as this conference houses
the only franchises daft enough to offer jobs to
epic failures such as the Leon and Patterson
(5-8). Hiring those clowns is equivalent to selfcastration, you will never play hard again.
After a season full of: insults,
condescension, bitter hatred, utter
disbelief, underdog syndrome, and
countless claims that the owner’s dick
was too small, somehow Scrappy Wins
was poised for a great playoff run at #1.
With an unbelievable five game win
streak to close the season, this squad
ravaged ABC-RG3, spanked First
Downs, outschlonged the Italian’s
Pastrami, splooged on Percy Mannaise,
and raped the Dotty Lord harder than a
Catholic priest let loose at the nursery.
Yet, Ron had revenge in Round 1 and
quickly maimed his corpse in first blood.
Investors lamenting China’s slowing economy silently pray for
Buddha to show more mercy than on Detroit Leons
Indian Village Orders Gang-Rape of One B!
That One B’s catastrophic loss at the hands of the Dotty
Lord in the Quarterfinals (269.21 to 126.62) led to the
complete decimation of her squad. The Dotty Lord
presented his captive as a gift to his local Indian village
council. Their ruling is that the coach will be gang-raped
for the social “sins” she has committed.
Steph, 24, was condemned to this brutal fate for the socalled crimes of interfering in a man’s realm of fantasy
football and also for challenging a man of a higher caste
(and Bengalore’s jewel) within sports. Although she is not
of Indian descent, Steph has repeatedly been referred to
as the equivalent of an Untouchable, the lowest speck of
insignificant trash within Indian hierarchy.
She is to be brutally raped and then paraded around
Bengalore naked with her face covered in black paint.
Unsurprisingly, when interviewed Steph can be best
described as “looking forward to the punishment.”
“It’s like I’m being rewarded for doing such a poor job. I
feel like I’m Lee Harvey Oswald and I just killed JFK and
the government is asking me if I’d like a million dollars
for free…and by dollars I mean dicks in every orifice of
my body, which is obviously better.” One B ended in 8th
place this year, as Percy barely edged a win by 0.4 points!
Patterson, King of the Losers!
Like a spastic too stupid to realize the jig is long over,
Patterson refused to stop swinging long after the final bell
of the Playoffs was rung. Rub the LeSean’s (7-6) nailbiting win in the Quarterfinals pushed Burrested
Development’s (5-8) head coach over the edge into a
mental retardation.
Experts can only postulate this was onset by the
realization that the only thread holding his life from
spiraling into a toxic wasteland of drugs, booze, and
gratuitous masturbation were the hopes of his ebony
Neanderthals winning the championship. Some say the
coach’s obsession is rooted in the fact that he was never
loved as a child. From a very young age Patterson was
tossed in a cage matches by his parents to fight for his life.
After he finished sucking Mickey off in Week 14, Patt
utterly destroyed Percy Mannaise (6-7), 165-107. Officials
were forced to remove Patt from the arena as he began to
sexually defile Percy’s limp and lifeless body. With the
taste of blood already fresh, Burrested proceeded to
brutally thrust himself inside Scrappy and tear through
his intestines in a 50.01 point blowout…literally.
Winner’s Circle
Ron’s bloody campaign
began w/ Hugo’s downfall
China Market Woes Assuaged by Failing Leons
Despite Chinese shares plummeting almost 8% lower than on
Monday morning, Shanghai Composite’s abysmal spiral pales
in comparison to the value of the Detroit Leons. Coming in last
place for two consecutive years, this franchise is headed for the
same poor house as their host city in 2013.
A Chinese trader remarks, “I shank God for the Detroit
Reons. Even though I dishonored my famiry with terribre
stock prices, at reast I have not farren as hard as that team. The
owner should just perform seppuku and end this fairure.”
Incidentally, rice and Nike© prices are at an all-time low.
Let it be known that
here at the Herald we
have no favorites! To
the right you’ll note a
snapshot of the closing
ceremonies.
And may the fallen
heroes never be
forgotten. May the
spirits of the late
Nishil, Leon, and
Steph after being
raped to death like a
Neverland Ranch
victim RIP. Although
their legacies were
shite, they still live on.
League Statistics
Rank
Team
W-L
Win %
Div.
Rank
Pts
For
Pts
Against
Last
Streak
Pick
‘Em
Pts
Pick
‘Em
W-L
Pick
‘Em
%
Best
Player
Tot.
Pts
Worst
Player
Tot.
Pts
Draft
Players
Kept
Waiver
Moves
74.50
6
51
46.69
3
57
74.70
2
65
10.30
8
28
The Wild West
1
3
6
7
9
First Downs
Syndrome
The Dotty
Lord
NoLuv 4
Scrappy Wins
Percy
Mannaise
A-B-C easy as
R-G-3
8-5
0.615
4-4
2173.22
1841.63
W-3
36
36-23
0.610
Odell
Beckham Jr.
314.44
Chandler
Jones
Josh
Gordon
Tim
Wright
Adrian
Peterson
8-5
0.615
4-4
2020.23
1933.79
L-1
27
27-25
0.519
Julio Jones
301.40
9-4
0.692
6-2
1835.55
1810.22
W-5
46
46-27
0.63
Jordy Nelson
364.90
6-7
0.462
3-4
1775.24
1773.23
L-3
21
21-34
0.382
Peyton
Manning
383.96
5-8
0.385
2-5
1649.55
1718.77
L-5
4
4-6
0.400
Russell Wilson
287.73
Ray Rice
0.00
7
39
The Far East
2
4
5
8
10
ItalianStallion
Baby
Rub the
LeSean On its
Skin
Burrested
Development
5-8
0.385
5-3
1694.19
1781.62
W-1
23
23-22
0.511
J.J. Watt*
234.30
Daniel
Herron
77.80
5
25
7-6
0.538
4-3
1902.40
1837.43
W-4
9
9-11
0.450
Aaron
Rodgers
397.45
Ronnie
Hillman
96.80
8
14
5-8
0.385
2-6
1793.29
2018.84
L-2
5
5-5
0.500
Le’Veon Bell
382.00
77.50
9
22
That One B
7-6
0.538
4-4
1964.72
1854.57
L-3
14
14-21
0.400
Ben
Roethlisberger
369.18
99.00
8
12
5-10
0.333
Matt Forte
308.60
84.80
12
27
The Detroit
5-8 0.385
4-3
1640.50 1878.79
W-2
5
Leons
*Actually 3rd best (behind Matt Ryan 290.83), but definitely Ron’s MVP
Marcell
Dareus
Mario
Williams
DeMarcus
Ware
Team: First Downs Syndrome
Rank: 1st
AKA: Matty
A loveable simpleton born and raised in corn country. Despite the fact that he
isn’t accustomed to diversity (i.e. black people), sushi, sexual relationships that
are not mutually exclusive to blood relatives, or city living, we still love the guy.
Always an open ear even if he disapproves of your life choices, Matt makes for a
great confidant. However, don’t try to reason with him on lavish lifestyles or
spending lots of money! Matt the Super Jew would sell his mother for an extra
nickel in his 401K!
Team: ItalianStallion Baby
Rank: 2nd
AKA: Ronnie Baby
Rescued from the wild as a young kid, Ron was incredibly
disadvantaged compared to other children. Despite his
adopted parents’ hardest attempts for him to accomplish
tasks such as showering, potty training, or learning how to
correctly spell “Pinstripes,” it seemed as if Ron’s fate was
destined for failure. However, even Helen Keller learned
how to rise above retardation. Against all odds Ron has
grown to be a functional/contributing member of society.
He currently resides with his spouse, Pamela Handerson in
Gainesville, FL.
Team: The Dotty Lord
Rank: 3rd
AKA: Abhinig
The tale of Abhi’s origins are that of a slum dog growing up to
become Bangalore’s next “It” kid. However, Abhi soon found that
money, fame, and 99 virgins could not satisfy his thirsty ambitions.
Sadly, his delusions of grandeur led him into selling his soul and
humanity to the devil in exchange for better Fantasy Football
players. Through a deep, shady, and filthy underground network,
Abhi has managed to survive for two seasons on the blood of
innocent trade virgins. Currently, Abhinav lives (with his head) in
The Clouds, and likes to take the occasional vacation to DreamLand.
Team: Rub the LeSean on its Skin
Rank: 4th
AKA: Mickey
White collar start-up employee by day and
Gigolo by night, Mickey’s tale is not one for
the faint of heart. What started out as a
disgruntled employee shitting on his boss’
desk and fleeing for an Icelandic holiday led
to a terrible spiral out of control. Destitute,
hungry, and without a home, Mickey began
turning tricks and blowing dicks for cash. It
wasn’t long for the drugs to follow suit. Even
though he has recovered with another job,
old habits and coke addictions still die hard.
Team: Burrested Development
Rank: 5th
AKA: Patty-Sahn
What can I about Patterson that hasn’t already been said
about a set of dish rags hanging after washing? He’s used up,
strung out, uncomfortable when he’s dry (sober), and his best
days are behind him. Patt serves as the resident addict and the
league rotates nanny duty. He might be a train wreck, but he’s
our train wreck. Sadly, he gave Mickey his first taste of smack.
Employed and fully-functional, Patt resides in Chocolate City.
Team: NoLuv 4 Scrappy Wins
Rank: 6th
AKA: Hughes (Huge-O for my “home-movie” fans)
Can I even say about ol’ Hughey without sounding
incredibly narcissistic? No? Splendid. Originally held
in captivity and oppressed by the Man (dressed in red
Cameron overalls) like a caged bird, now Hugo flies
freely in the clouds like a phoenix having arisen from
the ashes. Hughes loves fantasy football, traveling, his
friends, credit card/insurance fraud, and the occasional
sci-fi novel.
Team: Percy Mannaise
Rank: 7th
AKA: Ricky Dicky
Rick’s fervent hatred of the world is both refreshing and
surprisingly therapeutic. In a land where everyone has forgotten
the subtle arts of bitterness, ill will, and malevolence, Rick has
held true to old customs and traditions. On his recent trip abroad
“the Big D’s” eyes were opened to even more objects to fixate his
distaste for. Arabs, Indians, and Bangladeshis could not escape
the wrath of our resident hater. However, even this heart-warming
tale must have a Hollywood ending. While abroad, Rick fell in deep
love with a traveling Finnish gypsy. What started off as being
swindled out of $300 USD blossomed into a beautiful relationship.
Together they plan to retire to Finland and purchase a caravan. In case you
didn’t know, Rick also houses the biggest D in Texas.
Team: That One B
Rank: 8th
AKA: …That One B
Due to the graphic and grotesque nature of Steph’s life,
we’ve had to edit her backstory to respect the squeamish
and sensitive dispositions of our readers. In the early days
of the league she was adeptly nicknamed, “the League
Bicycle.” However, one can say she was ridden until the
wheels went flat and now… well let’s just say I wouldn’t
hit that with even Leon’s dick. STI’s notwithstanding,
Steph is a charming leaguemate, albeit one who prefers
to lull her opponents to sleep with aimless rambling about
favorite dinosaurs and other nonsense. Her FFB IQ (and
regular IQ) has been under scrutiny since Brady Quinn.
Team: A-B-C easy as R-G-3
Rank: 9th
AKA: Nish McGish
One dark, cold, and chilly night after a hard day’s work, Abhi and Hugo found a small,
malnourished Indian child near the dumpsters outside of their Cameron building. The
boy was failed by the system and his clothes were soaked in red Kool-Aid that he
refused to drink. Together they brought this child home and raised him as surrogate,
interracial parents. They bonded over hating the establishment, envying the rich, and
despising the powerful. However, the student soon surpassed the master and Nishil has
come into his own methods of screwing over the establishment. Currently, Nishil, Abhi,
and Hugo spend hours finding ways to rape credit card and Fortune 500 companies.
They serve as the Robin Hoods of the modern age; they take from the rich and give to
themselves.
Team: The Detroit Leons
Rank: 10th
AKA: Leon, Mr. Exxon, Rex Jr, Richest Broke Nigga You Know
A Columbian refugee forced to escape the clutches of the
ruthless cartel, Leon came to the U.S. with only a twinkle in
his eye and a head full of dreams. Although the promise of
streets paved with gold were far from accurate, even the
worst ghettos in NYC topple the feces covered streets in
Bogota. Thus, it isn’t hard to imagine how Exxon was able to
quickly sweep Señor León off his feet. With a generous wage
equal to the entire country of Columbia’s GBP and by
having sweet nothings and gratuitous Kool-Aid whispered
into his ears, Leon quickly fell head over heels in brainwa…
err… love with Rex Tillerson.