By Women for Women - The Council on Biblical Manhood and

Transcription

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By Women for Women
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JOURNAL FOR
BIBLICAL MANHOOD
AND WOMANHOOD
is a biannual publication of the
Council on Biblical Manhood
and Womanhood
ISSN: 1544-5143
CBMW
Executive Director
Randy Stinson
JOURNAL STAFF
Editor
Peter R. Schemm, Jr.
Associate Editors
Christopher W. Cowan
David W. Jones
Contributing Editors
Oren Martin
Barak Tjader
Table of Contents
By Women for Women
4
Editorial: Learned and Holy
8
Women against Public Blasphemy
Rebecca Jones
19
The Womanliness of Deborah:
Complementarian Principles from Judges 4–5
Barbara K. Mouser
37
Contributors
R. Albert Mohler, Jr.
Russell D. Moore
Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Women’s Ministry in the Local Church:
A Covenantal and Complementarian Approach
Susan Hunt
48
JBMW
Editorial Correspondence
journaleditor@cbmw.org
Subscription Correspondence
journal@cbmw.org
Motherhood Matters
Mary K. Mohler
56
The Undivided Heart:
Committing Our Lives to God’s Design
Sally Clarkson
Assistant Editor
Lance Johnson
Senior Consulting Editors
J. Ligon Duncan, III
Wayne Grudem
Rebecca Jones
Bruce A. Ware
Design
Bowin Tichenor/Blue Bus Cafe
Orders and Subscriptions
Single issue price $10.00. Subscriptions available
at $15.00 per year. Canadian Subscriptions $20.00
per year. International Subscriptions $25.00 per
year. Ten or more copies to the same address,
$12.00 per year.
69
Contact CBMW for institutional rates.
2825 Lexington Road · Box 926
Louisville, Kentucky 40280
502.897.4065 (voice)
502.897.4061 (fax)
office@cbmw.org (e-mail)
www.cbmw.org (web)
The purpose of The Council on Biblical Manhood
and Womanhood is to set forth the teachings of the
Bible about the complementary differences between
men and women, created equal in the image of God,
because these teachings are essential for obedience to
Scripture and for the health of the family and the
Church.
CBMW is a member of the Evangelical Council
for Financial Accountability and the National
Association of Evangelicals.
Due to copyright law the article by Sally Clarkson was removed.
When You Don’t Have a Better Half:
Encouraging Biblical Roles as a Single Woman
Carolyn McCulley
76
Future Homemakers
Nicole Whitacre
80
Homemaking Internship
Carolyn Mahaney
85
Equal, Yet So Very Different:
Understanding a Man’s Sexuality and His Inherent
Struggle
Mary Farrar
107
Into the Mainstream
Mary Kassian
116
Practicing Biblical Hospitality
Patricia A. Ennis
128
Who’s Captivating Whom?
A Review of John and Stasi Eldredge’s
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Donna Thoennes
133
A Review of Does Christianity Squash Women?
by Rebecca Jones
Mary K. Mohler
137
Annotated Bibliography for Gender-Related
Books in 2005
Compiled and Annotated by Oren Martin and Barak Tjader
Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 4-7
Learned and Holy
Editor, Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
Dean, Southeastern College at Wake Forest
Associate Professor of Christian Theology
Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary
Wake Forest, North Carolina
Doubtless the question will arise
concerning our “By Women for Women”
issue of the journal: “Is it for women
only?” After all, if Scripture prohibits
women f rom teaching men (1 Tim
2:11–15), certainly that includes a journal
article that has some exegetical and/or
theological content. Are we being consistent here? Perhaps The Council on
Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
should only send this issue to its female
readership. Women are allowed to read
nowadays, right? The purpose of this
editorial, then, is to assist us in determining how it is that men benefit from
the valuable contributions of women in
Christian scholarship.
COUNCIL MEMBERS
Daniel L. Akin
Donald Balasa
James Borland
Austin Chapman
Jack Cottrell
J. Ligon Duncan, III
Steve Farrar
Mary Farrar
Wayne A. Grudem
Joshua Harris
Daniel Heimbach
H. Wayne House
Susan Hunt
Elliott Johnson
Peter Jones
Rebecca Jones
Mary Kassian
George W. Knight, III
C. J. Mahaney
R. Albert Mohler, Jr.
Heather Moore
Dorothy Patterson
John Piper
James A. Stahr
K. Erik Thoennes
Bruce A. Ware
BOARD OF REFERENCE
Hudson T. Armerding
S. M. Baugh
Wallace Benn
Tal Brooke
Harold O. J. Brown
Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Lane T. Dennis
Thomas R. Edgar
Jerry Falwell
John Frame
Paul Gardner
W. Robert Godfrey
Bill H. Haynes
David M. Howard, Sr.
R. Kent Hughes
James B. Hurley
Paul Karleen
Charles & Rhonda Kelley
D. James Kennedy
Learned and Holy:
An Ancient Practice
In his insightful article, “Women
in the History of the Church: Learned
and Holy, but Not Pastors,” William
Weinrich observes an ancient practice
that helps to explain how it is that the
church, including men, has been richly
blessed by the varied ministries of women
throughout her history.1 We might summarize this ancient practice with the
phrase “learned and holy.” Taken from
the Statuta Ecclesiae antiqua of Gennadius
of Marseilles (c. A.D. 480), Weinrich’s
subtitle reminds us that considerations
for the service of women in the church
have not been determined by intellect or
sanctity. Rather, clear apostolic injunctions and the example of Jesus himself
Beverly LaHaye
Gordon R. Lewis
Robert Lewis
Crawford & Karen Loritts
Erwin Lutzer
John F. MacArthur, Jr.
Connie Marshner
Richard Mayhue
Marty Minton
J. P. Moreland
J. Stanley Oakes
Raymond C. Ortlund, Jr.
J. I. Packer
Paige Patterson
Dennis & Barbara Rainey
Robert Saucy
James Sauer
Siegfried Schatzmann
Thomas R. Schreiner
F. LaGard Smith
R. C. Sproul
Joseph M. Stowell, III
Larry Walker
Stu Weber
William Weinrich
Luder Whitlock
Peter Williamson
FALL 2006
have been determinative. Thus, it has
been the consistent practice throughout
church history—until recent times—
that, however learned and holy particular
women in the church were, the pastoral
office of the church has been reserved
for men.2
The pastoral office, however, is not
the only way one can make a lasting
contribution to the body of Christ. It is
true that throughout church history most
Christian writing and scholarship has
come from men, but this may not be as
objectionable as some today would like
to make it. After all, the vocation of wife
and mother is more foundational and
necessary than the vocation of Christian
scholar. Still, history is filled with women
who have made significant intellectual
contributions. Learned and holy women
of the past have demonstrated well, in
Weinrich’s terms, their faithful “service
of mind and pen.”3 The literary and intellectual legacy of Marcella and Paula
(4th C), Proba (4th C), Eudoxia (5th C),
Lioba (8th C), Teresa of Avila (1515–
1582), Charlotte Elliot (1789–1871),
Sarah Adams (1805–1848), Frances R.
Havergal (1836–1879), Fanny J. Crosby
(1820–1915), and Dorothy L. Sayers
(1893–1957) ought to be, in a very real
sense, an inspiration to women today.
Learned and Holy:
A Present Day Example
I am reminded of Eta Linnemann—
one particularly “learned and holy”
woman. A brilliant student of Rudolf
Bultmann and Ernst Fuchs, as well as
Friedrich Gogarten and Gerhard Ebeling, she had “the best professors which
historical-critical theology could offer.”4
And yet she was troubled for many years.
Even with her intellectual accomplishments—two doctorates and an esteemed
teaching position—she was sure that she
was still seen as inferior to men. In her
words,
In my preconversion life, I
bitterly fought for women’s
equality in “spiritual office.”
The thorn of embitterment
was ever driven into me anew
by my so-called “brothers in
ministry,” especially by those
who were my mental inferiors
and possessed no other merit
than the privilege of wearing
trousers on the basis of their
physical constitution.5
This way of thinking all changed,
however, on November 5, 1977, when at
the age of fifty-one she trusted Christ,
ending her rebellion against being a
woman. Linnemann describes her conversion to Christ as being “renewed by
His grace,” the product of which was a
sense of fulfillment and contentment
according to God’s good design for her
as a woman.6
Her new life was also marked by
a new path of Christian scholarship.
Within a month of her decision to follow Christ she “repented” of her “perverse
theological teaching” and eventually
wrote Historical Criticism of the Bible,
which, as Robert Yarbrough describes
it, was her post-conversion blast against
German higher criticism.7 That particular book, as to be expected, received
extremely mixed reviews. And yet there
is no question as to the significance of
her scholarly endeavors. Since that time
Linnemann has made numerous contributions to the field of NT studies from
her unambiguously evangelical perspective. For this evangelicals can be grateful—especially evangelical men.8
Learned and Holy: Allowing the
Ancient Practice to Inform Christian
Scholarship Today
The question that often comes
from both complementarians and egalitarians is this: “If women cannot teach
men or exercise authority over men,
what can they do in the church?” I will not
attempt to address here what I believe
to be the inherent chauvinism as well as
the inadequate conception of life in the
church that such a question assumes (it is
actually a great insult to women that any
and every other thing they are uniquely
fit by God to do and instructed by God
to do is somehow less important than
teaching men). Instead, I suggest a model
for assessing the ministry of women that
harmonizes with the ancient practice of
the “learned and holy” women of the past.
The context here is Christian scholarship,
but these ideas should not be limited to
such a context.
This model, developed by John
Piper, helps evaluate the appropriateness
of women influencing men in the home,
the church, and in society. 9 The question is
not whether or not women will influence
men. They will and they should. The question is exactly how can women influence
men in ways that are fitting, according to
the God-given order that exists between
man and woman? Instead of attempting
to answer this case-by-case, Piper suggests
a set of criteria to help think through
whether a particular vocation can uphold
God’s design for mature masculinity and
femininity. He says,
Here is one possible set of
criteria. All acts of influence
and guidance can be described
along these two continuums:
Personal------Non-personal
Directive------Non-directive
To the degree that a woman’s
influence over man is personal
and directive it will generally
offend a man’s good, Godgiven sense of responsibility
and leadership, and thus controvert God’s created order.
A woman may design the traffic pattern of a city’s streets
and thus exert a kind of influence over all male drivers. But
this influence will be nonpersonal and therefore not
necessarily an offense against
God’s order.10
Piper is on to something here.
When I apply this set of criteria to the
vocation of Christian scholarship, I conclude that it is fitting for women to seek
to influence men through the means of
written scholarship. Writing to a general
audience is on the non-personal end of
this continuum. A woman may write a
thoughtful, critical, and even theological
assessment of modern feminism from
which I can learn much as a man (e.g.,
Mary Kassian’s The Feminist Mistake,
Crossway). Yet this communication comes
to me in a non-personal way. Were it to
come otherwise, her effort to influence me
would likely contradict the natural order
and strain whatever existing relationship
there may be.
Written scholarship is also nondirective. There is no inherent authority in
the book I read that has been written by,
say, Eta Linnemann or Rebecca Jones. The
influence the author is giving is not out of
an authoritative office. Additionally, she
is not directly ordering me to do this and
that. Piper explains the idea of non-directive influence this way: “[It] proceeds with
petition and persuasion instead of directives. A beautiful example of non-directive
leadership is when Abigail talked David
out of killing Nabal (l Sam 25:23–35).
FALL 2006
She exerted great influence over David
and changed the course of his life; but
she did it with amazing restraint and
submissiveness and discretion.”11 When
a Christian woman produces scholarly
writing she hopes to persuade all who
are willing to read what she has written
and to learn from her in the process.
So we return to the question with
which we began, is this issue for women
only? Scripture is clear that authoritative teaching in the church belongs, by
God’s design, to men. It is equally clear
that women contribute to the church
in many and varied ways. One of these
ways is scholarly writing, like that of
Linnemann, a brilliant lady who is also
submissive to the teaching of Scripture.
Written scholarship tends toward nonpersonal, non-directive influence. It is,
thus, an influence women may exercise
while upholding the God-given order
that exists between men and women.
We must conclude, therefore, it is fitting
that our male readership also benefit
from these articles, writings of learned
and holy women of today who follow by
disposition, by motivation, and by virtue
the ancient pattern.
6
Ibid.
Robert W. Yarbrough, “Eta Linnemann: Friend or
Foe of Scholarship?” The Master’s Seminary Journal 8,
no. 2 (Fall 1997): 167.
8
I am thinking here of the encouragement Dr.
Linnemann was to the faculty at Southeastern Baptist
Theological Seminary, Wake Forest, NC, when in
1992 she visited our campus and told her story.
9
John Piper, “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity:
Manhood and Womanhood Defined according to the
Bible,” in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, 50–52.
10
Ibid., 51.
11
Ibid., 51–52.
7
1
William Weinrich, “Women in the History of the
Church: Learned and Holy, but Not Pastors,” in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response
to Evangelical Feminism (ed. John Piper and Wayne
Grudem; Wheaton: Crossway, 2006), 263–79.
2
Russell D. Moore has called my attention to some
very helpful research that confirms “the myth of the
female pastor.” In reality, there is good reason why
throughout the history of the church the pastoral
office has been reserved for men. See “The Myth of
the Female Pastor,” available at http://www.gendernews.com/other.php?id=217.
3
Weinrich, “Women in the History of the Church,”
266.
4
Eta Linnemann, Historical Criticism of the Bible:
Methodology or Ideology? (trans. Robert W. Yarbrough;
Baker, 1990), 17.
5
Eta Linnemann, “God Cares for Women,” in The
Women’s Study Bible (ed. Dorothy Kelley Patterson;
Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995), xix.
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 8-18
Women against Public
Blasphemy
Rebecca Jones
Homemaker, Author, Editor
Escondido, California
My husband and I recently visited
South Africa for a five-week speaking
tour. As our host drove us to a meeting,
he became quite agitated by the constant
traffic jams in the clogged streets of
Johannesburg. At yet another snag, he
exclaimed, “Now what!” But soon he was
all smiles. “Look! It’s Christians demonstrating against public profanity!”
Christians naturally cringe when
our Lord’s name is defamed. But there
is more to blasphemy than swear words
in the media. The apostle Paul offers us
strange advice about countering blasphemy. He specifically tells women how
to help. Paul tells the young pastor Titus
that
Older women likewise are
to be reverent in behavior,
not slanderers or slaves to
much wine. They are to teach
what is good, and so train the
young women to love their
husbands and children, to be
self-controlled, pure, working
at home, kind, and submissive
to their own husbands, that
the word of God may not be
reviled [blasphēmētai—“blasphemed”] (Titus 2:3–5).1
Elsewhere, Paul gives a similar instruction to slaves: “Let all who are under a
yoke as slaves regard their own masters as
worthy of all honor, so that the name of
God and the teaching may not be reviled
[blasphēmētai]” (1 Tim 6:1). Conversely,
slaves who respectfully submit to their
masters “adorn the doctrine of God our
Savior” (Titus 2:10).
The Greek verb blasphēmeō is often
translated as “revile,” “speak evil of ” or
“slander.” Most English translations use
“blaspheme” only when God’s name or
character is in question. In the above texts,
“blasphemy” seems more appropriate for
two reasons: (1) Paul uses this verb, as
well as the related noun and adjective,
throughout his first letter to Timothy
to speak of blasphemy in its strongest
sense:
FALL 2006
•In 1:13, he refers to his own
violent resistance to the gospel (“though formerly I was
a blasphemer, persecutor, and
insolent opponent”).
•In 1:20 he speaks of Hymenaeus and Alexander’s
damnable resistance to the
gospel (“among whom are
Hymenaeus and Alexander,
whom I have handed over to
Satan that they may learn not
to blaspheme”).
•In 6:3–5, he describes the
false teachers, whose message
produces evil consequences
(“If anyone teaches a different
doctrine and does not agree
with the sound words of our
Lord Jesus Christ and the
teaching that accords with
godliness, he is puffed up
with conceit and understands
nothing. He has an unhealthy
craving for controversy and
for quarrels about words,
which produce envy, dissension, slander [blasphēmiai],
evil suspicions, and constant
friction among people who
are depraved in mind and
deprived of the truth”).
•In Acts 26:11, Paul describes the torture he applied to Christians (“And I
punished them often in all
the synagogues and tried to
make them blaspheme, and
in raging fury against them
I persecuted them even to
foreign cities.”)2
(2) The second reason is that in
these two passages (Titus 2:3-5; 1 Tim
6:1) Paul designates what is being blas-
phemed: God’s word, God’s name, and
the teaching. To speak against these three
things is surely blasphemy in the strongest sense of our English word.
Today, Christians (even leaders
and pastors) consider the role of men
and women to be a secondary issue,
but Paul ties a woman’s decisions about
home-making to the very heart of gospel
witness.3 Did Paul get carried away? Can
he simply mean that Christians should
not upset the status quo? Surely not, as
Paul was hardly one to worry about status
quo! His words are strong and his meaning clear: our lack of submission to his
teaching about women opens the gospel
to blasphemy. Why does Paul feel so
strongly about this, when he leaves other
issues, like meat consumption and feast
days, to the exercise of our conscience?
In “the New South Africa,” postapartheid laws have brought together a
huge variety of culturally diverse peoples.
Christians are trying to lead the way by
breaking down cultural barriers in the
church. How does a Christian Afrikaner with a background in strict Dutch
Reformed traditions worship with a
Christian Zulu, who has been exposed
to animistic spirituality, fortune-tellers
and animal sacrifice? Paul, the world
traveler, was familiar with such problems
in his time, especially as the church tried
to bring together Jew and Gentile. Jews
were raised on the Law of Moses, while
Gentiles were steeped in pagan spirituality. Paul learned to be “all things to all
men” and encouraged cultural flexibility
in many things: “Let no one pass judgment on you in questions of food and
drink, or with regard to a festival or a new
moon or a Sabbath. These are a shadow
of the things to come, but the substance
belongs to Christ” (Col 2:16–17).
Paul denounces false teachers who
command Christians not to “touch” or
“taste” certain things, since all is good
and comes from God’s gracious hand.4
He resists the Judaizers, insisting that
circumcision not be imposed on Gentile believers, and defends eating food
sacrificed to idols, since an idol has no
power.5
Let us think briefly about blasphemy in these three ways: (1) against
the word, (2) against the name, and
(3) against the teaching of God as it
relates specifically to Paul’s teaching on
women.
God’s Word Blasphemed
Because of Paul’s keen respect for
cultural variety and his strong defense
of the personal conscience, we need to
pay special attention when, in his apostolic authority, he formally sets down
specific rules for living in God’s church.
We might expect Paul to say, “Women,
let no one pass judgment on you about
how you dress or what role you choose to
play in your family and church, for these
are a shadow, but the substance is Christ.”
But Paul does not say that. He dictates
principles for dress, jewelry, home management, gossip, the age of remarriage for
widows, alcohol consumption, hairdos,
and activities in the church. Paul seems
rather to harp on the subject of women.
His constant commands cannot be dismissed as culturally determined.
For Paul, these issues are determined not by culture but by the Word
of God. I have taken some liberty in
separating the “Word of God” from
“the teaching,” because in general Paul
seems to refer to the foundational Old
Testament revelation in speaking of
God’s Word,6 while his term “teaching”
refers more directly to the doctrinal and
practical instructions Paul has given to
the churches with apostolic authority
and is now “the deposit” left to its future
10
pastors.
The Word of God in the Old
Testament is the Word that created and
structured the world. The creative Word
of God spoke the world into existence,
differentiating animals from humans,
dark from light, men from women, and,
above all, God from his creation (see Rom
1:25). Within those creation structures,
the roles of men and women are clearly
delineated. God created Adam first, then
Eve—taken from his body, his equal,
his companion, his helper. Creational
authority structures as determined by
God’s Word in Genesis are a cornerstone
in Paul’s discussion of women and their
role. In his discussion of women in worship (1 Corinthians 11), Paul argues his
case from creation principles: “For man
was not made from woman, but woman
from man. Neither was man created for
woman, but woman for man” (vv. 8–9).
In the same passage, he appeals to the
authority structures in the universe: “That
is why a wife ought to have [a symbol
of ]7 authority on her head, because of the
angels” (v. 10).8 Again, he calls attention
to the natural order of things: “Does not
nature itself teach you that if a man wears
long hair it is a disgrace for him, but if a
woman has long hair, it is her glory? For
her hair is given to her for a covering” (vv.
14–15). When commanding women not
to teach or hold authority over men in
the church, Paul appeals yet again to the
original creation order: “I do not permit
a woman to teach or to exercise authority
over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.
For Adam was formed first, then Eve” (1
Tim 2:12–13).
In 1 Cor 14:34–35, where Paul
commands women to be “silent in the
churches,” he says, “They are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission,
as the Law also says.” Though this specific
command nowhere appears in this form
FALL 2006
in the Old Testament, Paul draws his
conclusion from creational principles
and from his assumptions about Old
Testament revelation. After specifying
how this principle is to be worked out,
he asks the Corinthians, “Did the word
of God originate with you? Or are you
the only people it has reached? . . . What
I am writing you is the Lord ’s command”
(1 Cor 14:36–37 NIV).
In Ephesians, as well, Paul goes
back to the text Jesus used when dealing
with divorce.9 Paul discusses the submission/headship/love principles of marriage
and concludes with a quote from Gen
2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his
father and mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh”
(Eph 5:31). Paul grounds his practical
commands about women on the Word of
God as expressed in the Old Testament
and derived from the creative Word that
brought men and women into existence.
To argue that Paul’s instructions are culturally irrelevant in our time is to refuse
God’s clear creation Word of authority.
Our deep-seated sexual differences are
not, as our society would like us to believe, determined by our whims or desires,
but come from the mind of God.
Women, Paul insists, are to pour
themselves into their calling as wives and
mothers. They are to raise children, feed
the poor, love their husbands, care for
the sick, exercise hospitality, refrain from
gossip, show mercy to many, and “wash
the feet of the saints.” God has designed
women for these activities from the very
beginning. These commands are not
popular in twenty-first century America,
but that does not matter. If we do not
obey them, we deny the authority of the
Word, thus eliciting blasphemy from
unbelievers and from the evil authorities
in the heavenly realms, who observe our
inconsistent lives.
God’s Name Blasphemed
Paul’s statement in 1 Tim 6:1, about
the relationship of a servant to his master,
is parallel in some ways to Titus 2:3–5
(as well as to 1 Tim 5:14). In both texts,
refusal of submission causes the name of
God to be blasphemed: “Let all who are
under a yoke as slaves regard their own
masters as worthy of all honor, so that the
name of God and the teaching may not
be reviled [blasphemed]” (1 Tim 6:1). The
third commandment forbids us to take
the name of God “in vain.” Taking God’s
name in vain is not limited to speaking
certain syllables frivolously. God’s name
means his person—including his character, his reputation, his revelation, and his
acts in history.
Christians are baptized into the
name of God, and thus represent that
name, corporately and individually.
When God lays his name upon us, we
are his children and represent the family
name. While living in France, we occasionally disciplined one of our children
for a particularly serious infraction by
keeping that child home from school.
On our “excuse” note, we would write that
the child was not well behaved enough
to represent the family name that day.
Needless to say, the teachers thought we
were peculiar parents! As Christians, our
behavior conforms not to our old, irreverent and idolatrous style, but to our new
identity in Christ.
Why is God’s name blasphemed
when slaves are ornery with their masters? Because God’s created authority
structures reflect his ultimate authority
over us and over the whole universe. As
countercultural and anti-democratic as
a rebirth of authority sounds, the Bible
is clear. Authority is given by God himself—even the authority of a slavemaster.
The goal of the church is to obey Christ
in all things, and in so doing, we are
11
to respect the authorities under which
God has placed us.10 Jesus tells Pilate,
“You would have no authority over me
at all unless it had been given you from
above” ( John 19:11). The one who wields
authority answers to God for the way he
wields it, and the one under authority
answers to God for his behavior under
that authority.
In Paul’s day, slaves made up nearly
40 percent of the population. Many
members of Paul’s churches were doubtless involved in slavery either as slaves or
masters (see Paul’s letter to Philemon).
Paul is not commending slavery as a
necessary creational structure, for he encourages slaves to acquire their freedom,
whereas he never encourages wives to get
free from marriage or children to escape
the authority of parents. Christians see
their work relations as a part of their gospel witness, as they pour themselves out
in self-sacrificial love, serving even evil
masters as if serving the perfect master,
Jesus.11 In so doing they honor the name
and reputation of God. Their behavior
aligns itself with their confession, showing self-sacrificial love, humility, and the
joy of serving others. In this, they are like
their Savior who submitted himself to
his father’s will.
We do not represent God’s name
only as individuals. The family unit itself
represents God’s fatherhood. In Eph
3:14–15, Paul says, “I bow my knees before the Father [patera], from whom every family [patria] in heaven and on earth
is named.” God has designed an integral
relationship between his “Fatherhood”
and our human “fatherhoods” (families).
If English followed the pattern of the
Greek, we would call a family a “fatherdom,” something like a “kingdom.” The
name of God the Father is incorporated
into the structure and identity of our
human families. The radical feminists are
12
right in saying that if we want to topple
“fatherdom” (what they would call “patriarchy”), we must first topple the ultimate
Father (patriarch). An authoritative, kind,
and merciful father in a Christian home
reflects the fatherhood of God and thus
beautifies (“adorns”) the Father’s name,
rather than opening it to blasphemy.12
I love to watch my son-in-law with his
children. A most tender-hearted father,
David nonetheless inspires an amazing
awe in his children. If little fifteen-month
old Emma is not going off to sleep, he
has only to enter her bedroom, and she
lies down without a sound! But she will
cuddle up in the crook of her daddy’s arm
whenever she gets the chance. We surely
have such immense discipline problems
in our schools because we have denied
this loving authority to fathers.
The name of God is also carried
by the larger family, the church, which is
the “fullness of him who fills everything
in every way” (Eph 1:23 NIV ). The
people of God and the name of God are
integrally related. In the book of Revelation, the final glorious city, the bride of
Christ, is identified with the church of
all time and also with the name of God:
“[The beast] opened its mouth to utter
blasphemies against God, blaspheming
his name and his dwelling, that is, those
who dwell in heaven” (Rev 13:6). Do you
see the equation here? To breathe out
blasphemies against God, the evil one
blasphemes the church. Because we are
his temple, his dwelling (“living stones,”
as the apostle Peter puts it), God’s name
is blasphemed when we his people are
blasphemed. The Old Testament taught
us this already, since God sees his own
name blasphemed when Israel’s enemies
mock her.13
Paul is arguing that because we bear
God’s name, those who “revile” or “slander” us are actually “blaspheming,” be-
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cause they are speaking not only against
us but against God himself. If we want
to avoid God’s name being blasphemed
in this way, we need to glorify that name
(“adorn the gospel”) by behaving in a
way consistent with the gospel we profess. Paul tells the church how to honor
God’s name. Pastors, elders, and deacons
must lead godly lives.14 Men must rule
their own households with firmness and
gentleness, instructing their wives and
children in the gospel and not treating
them harshly. Children must submit to
their parents as to the Lord. Women
must submit to and love their husbands,
love their children, cease to gossip, work
energetically in their homes, give themselves to works of mercy and seek to serve
other Christians in every possible way. In
the church, they must not teach men or
exercise authority over them.
Our families and our marriages are
the visible picture on earth of the beauty
of God’s family, of his name. It is for this
reason, too, that we cannot consider these
to be secondary issues. Whether we like
it or not, the Christian family and the
Christian church must be structured as
Paul tells us, so that the name of God is
not blasphemed.
The Teaching Blasphemed
Paul tells us in the same command
to slaves that their behavior will keep
“the teaching” from being blasphemed.
Generally speaking, when Paul uses the
term “teaching,” he is referring to his
own apostolic doctrine. Many people
draw the conclusion that Paul’s teaching
can be dismissed as culturally slanted, to
be taken with a grain of salt. But Paul’s
words have as much weight as Christ’s
words and Old Testament revelation.15
Paul commends the Corinthians
for “holding to the teachings, just as I
passed them on to you” (1 Cor 11:2 NIV).
He drives home his instructions about
women with a blanket warning: “If anyone is inclined to be contentious, we have
no such practice, nor do the churches of
God” (1 Cor 11:16). (Notice that all the
churches, no matter what their social
context, are to have the same practice.)
In another passage, exhorting women to
be silent when church disciplinary issues
are at stake, he concludes his argument
with similarly absolute words: “Was it
from you that the word of God came?
Or are you the only ones it has reached?
If anyone thinks that he is a prophet, or
spiritual, he should acknowledge that the
things I am writing to you are a command
of the Lord. If anyone does not recognize this, he is not recognized” (1 Cor
14:36–38). There is ample evidence that
Paul considered his apostolic authority to
be equal to the very words of Christ.
In addition to understanding the
inspired nature of Paul’s authority, we
must grasp his purpose in writing the
epistles of First and Second Timothy
and Titus. He is consciously establishing
working structures for the church, with a
view to his own death. He instructs his
successors to codify practices that will
protect Christians from falling into the
“snare of the devil.”16 These young pastors are to “insist” on such practices and
“rebuke” false teachers “sharply.” Titus
“must teach” the older women to take the
younger wives in hand. He is to “teach”
slaves to be in submission. Paul says to
Titus, “These, then, are the things you
should teach. Encourage and rebuke with
all authority. Do not let anyone despise
you” (Titus 2:15 NIV). Timothy, too, is
to “command certain men not to teach
false doctrine” (1 Tim 1:3 NIV). “If I am
delayed,” Paul says, “you will know how
people ought to conduct themselves in
God’s household, which is the church of
the living God, the pillar and foundation
13
of the truth” (1 Tim 3:15 NIV). Timothy
is to “command and teach these things”
and not to let anyone look down on him
because he is young (1 Tim 4:11–12).
“Command, rebuke, insist,” Paul repeats.
With this drumbeat in our ears, can we
still say that the roles of men and women
are a “secondary” issue?
Yet we must consider the particular
aspects of Paul’s teaching that come under attack due to a slave’s disobedience,
a woman’s laziness, a deacon’s drunkenness.
Paul’s Teaching about the Goodness of
Creation
We have already discussed the
creational roots to Paul’s thinking about
women. False teachers are threatening
the church both in Ephesus and (apparently) in Crete. They forbid marriage and
the consumption of certain foods. Paul
counters such arguments with creational
reasoning: everything is good; nothing is
to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving. Paul passionately pleads with
Timothy17 to preach the truth, rather
than “the teaching of demons” spread by
these false teachers. True holiness means
living in the body—with all its functions,
including the sexual functions.18 Eating,
marrying, giving birth, working for a
master, caring for an elderly widow—this
is the stuff holiness is made of, not the
“godless chatter” and “false knowledge”
that enemies of the church are proposing, whether such knowledge is from
legalistic Judaizers or mystical pagans
(1 Tim 6:20).
The anti-creational arguments of
the false teachers sound spiritual, but
drag Christians away from presenting
themselves as living sacrifices, faithful to
their creational calling until they stand
in the last day to answer for the things
“done in the body.” This is what true
14
holiness consists of until Jesus comes
again. All the rest is at best fluff and at
worst heresy. Paul cares about the nittygritty of life. Though Ephesians begins
in the heavenlies with Christ, it ends
with the Christian soldier on the front
lines.19 What battle rages in the middle
of the book? How to maintain unity in
the church; how to submit to husbands,
parents, and bosses; how to conquer lying
and stealing.
Christian women are all called to
serve God as women. Our world (and
sometimes our church) tells us that we
have better things to do with our time.
Linda Hirshman, on ABC’s “Good
Morning, America!” scolded women for
dropping out of the corporate scene to
stay home with their children. According to Hirshman, they are “letting down
the team.”20
Allow me a short aside. Within the
church, similar arguments tell women to
“use all their gifts.” My oldest daughter
just had her fifth child. In a rare moment
of quiet, she and I began to muse about
what career we would have chosen had
we not been wives and mothers. We each
decided on “pediatrician” and agreed that
each of us had ample gifts for it. “In another life,” laughed my daughter.
It is impossible to use all our gifts
because God is so liberal in his distribution. There is not one person on this earth
who has used all his gifts. Every time
you make a choice, you eliminate the use
of certain gifts. Today, I could exercise
musical gifts by practicing the piano, or
the gift of encouragement by calling ten
people, or the gift of determination to
weed my garden. But I chose to write
this article. That is the first problem with
gifts. You will drive yourself crazy if you
try to use all your gifts in this life. You
will have to wait for heaven.
Secondly, we use our gifts within
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the calling God has given us. In a certain
sense, even Jesus refrained from using all
his gifts when he was on earth, because
his Father (in authority over him) had a
particular way in which his Son was to
use those gifts. The devil tried to get Jesus
to use his gifts in the wrong way, but our
Savior stuck stubbornly to the written
word and to God’s plan for his life. Jesus
wept over Jerusalem and longed to rescue,
comfort, and shepherd his people. But he
refrained from using his gift of power
to oust the Roman oppressor because he
had a greater enemy to conquer: death
and the devil. He refrained from using
his gift of authority to command angels
to take him off the cross. Instead, he bore
blasphemy, suffering, abandonment, and
death. Our Savior said, “Not my will,
but yours, be done” (Luke 22:42), and
“he learned obedience through what he
suffered” (Heb 5:8). In a sense, Jesus was
also saying, “Not my gifts, but your calling.” If Jesus was not free to choose the
most obvious and “satisfying” way to use
his gifts, but submitted to the will of his
Father, how can we be so arrogant as to
dictate the terms for the use of our gifts,
when our Father has made it clear to us
women where he wants us to serve? The
normal womanly way to exercise our gifts
is to get married, love our husbands and
our children, fill our lives with works of
mercy, service, and self-sacrifice. (This always involves some suffering.) This is the
way of the “name,” the way of the “word”
and the way of Paul’s “teaching.”
I can hear the protests: “But I’m
longing to be married. It’s not my fault
if I’m not!” “I have a horrible husband;
how do you expect me to live out these
instructions?” “Are you saying women
should never work?” “Do you mean we
should accept the stereotype of ‘women
barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen’?”
Of course, I am not saying a woman
should never work outside the home.21
Jesus himself received the help of independently wealthy women, and we go
through stages in which work might
be appropriate. I am not saying that all
women should only cook and bake in the
church (though I do not see why women
should be kept from doing so). Of course,
you are not less of a woman if you are
single. (Paul implies that you have an
even greater honor—to serve your Lord
without distraction.) But Paul makes the
normal pattern clear. The New Testament
church does not supersede creational
structures for men and women, but fills
those structures with the post-Pentecost
power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Catherine Clark Kroeger argues
that women need to feel “called” to be
mothers or they should not have children.22 She seems to place mothering
(last?) on a long list of possible career
choices. Of course, her argument could
only be made in a post-contraception
society. Seeing motherhood this way is an
easy cop-out for women who do not want
to bother bearing and raising children.
They are not “called” to be mothers.23
God has called women to be wives
and mothers—to serve him and his
church in this physical, creational way.
But bearing children is a spiritual act of
worship as well. Paul ties marriage, family,
and childbirth not only to creation structures, but to the salvation message.
Teaching about Salvation
In 1 Timothy, Paul declares that
a woman should not teach or have authority over a man. This is not because
he respects women less, but because
the gospel message is intimately tied to
women accepting their calling to love
their husbands, to be in submission to
them, and to carry on in their God-given
task of bearing and mothering children.
15
This does not mean a woman is only a
“womb.” God looks on the heart, not on
the womb! But God asks women to be
a “living sacrifice,” which includes her
womb, whether he chooses to open that
womb or not. God looks on the heart
and loves each woman for who she
is—a beautiful reflection of the image
of God.
Women as women are intimately
involved in the salvation story. God
enters the world via the womb of a
woman. Mary says to the angel who
announced her unique pregnancy, “I am
the servant of the Lord; let it be to me
according to your word” (Luke 1:38).
Christian women can still answer God
with those same words. No woman can
now anticipate the privilege of mothering the Messiah, yet we mother him as
we mother the children he gives us. We
participate in the salvation project as we
continue to obey the creation mandate
to fill the earth.24
It is surely this overall sense that
we must take from the difficult passage
in 1 Tim 2:15: “Yet she will be saved
through [the childbirth]—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with
self-control.” I favor the interpretation
that sees “the childbirth” as referring
to the birth of Christ.25 But without
insisting on such a reading, we can still
say that, in the context of the letter, Paul
desires women to take their mothering
seriously and to live out their salvation
by quietly getting on with their (often
unsung) service in the church and in
the home. We “adorn” the gospel in our
obedience to God’s will for us as women,
just as a servant “adorns” the gospel in
his role of service. As Paul says to the
Colossians, “Whatever you do, work at
it with all your heart, as working for the
Lord, not for men, since you know that
you will receive an inheritance from the
16
Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ
you are serving” (Col 3:23–24 NIV). As
women serve their husbands, families and
churches, they serve Christ.
Even the imperfect Christian home
shows the beauty both of God’s creation
and his salvation order. Women who are
“busy at home” are busy doing the work of
evangelism, for our homes shine forth the
glory of the gospel to all who enter it. If
you invite people to your table, you are, in
a sense, sharing the table of the Lord. If
you care for a lonely widow, you are showing the world God’s mercy and kindness.
If you pay attention to your neighbor’s
children, you are obeying Christ’s command to let the little ones come to him.
Even as you wipe your child’s sore knee,
you are bandaging Christ’s wounds, for
he himself says, “If you do it for the least
of these my children, you do it to me.”
The Christian home is a gospel witness that testifies not only to a watching
world but also to those authorities who
rebelled against God’s order. The wicked
“principalities and powers” are watching
God’s people to see if God’s love and
mercy is really as grand as it claims to be.
Our marriages are God’s chosen illustration of Christ’s love for his church. As
we make godly decisions in the privacy
of our own homes, we are a part of God’s
people, “proving out the wisdom of God”
before our neighbors and the principalities and powers (Eph 3:10).
Do you see why Paul does not make
male-female relationships a matter of
individual conscience? There is much
yet to understand about the connection
between our behavior as separate sexes
and God’s gospel, but we do not have to
understand everything before we obey.
Women offer their bodies in spiritual
service to Christ by marrying, serving
our husbands as constant and trustworthy
helpers, and gladly accepting the place
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God has given us, whether single or married, widowed or childless. In so doing,
we will gain a reward from our Creator
and Savior, who pours out glory and love
on our heads.
Do you want to shut down blasphemy and adorn the gospel of Christ in
our culture? Rather than demonstrating
in the streets, follow God’s commands:
Be reverent in behavior,
much wine. . . . Teach what
is good, and so train the
[blasphemed] (Titus 2:3–5).
1
Unless noted, Scriptures quotations are from the English Standard Version, copyright © 2001 by Crossway
Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers.
2
Paul does use blasphēmeō and blasphēmia to refer to
slander against human beings, but often implies that
such slander is an affront to God. In Eph 4:31, Paul
puts “blasphemy” in a list of behavior that “grieve[s]
the Spirit of God”; in Rom 3:8, the “blasphemy”
is against Paul’s message; in Rom 14:16 (with the
parallel passage of 1 Cor 10:30) Paul uses the term
in the context of God’s final judgment; in Col 3:8,
blasphemy is in a list of idolatrous, pre-Christian
behaviors.
3
This sense is also present in 1 Tim 5:14, where Paul
again tells women to get married, have children and
look after their homes, so that they “give the adversary
no occasion for slander” (Greek, loidorias, to curse).
His immediate reference to turning away after Satan
shows the strength of his statement, giving it the
equivalent meaning to “blaspheme.”
4
See Col 2:21; 1 Tim 4:1–6.
5
However, Paul carefully protects the tender conscience of someone who cannot yet understand this
principle.
6
See especially 1 Tim 4:4–5: “For everything God
created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is
received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated
by the word of God and prayer.” It is obvious here that
the original creative Word of God, which brought all
things into existence, is confirmed by the Old Testament word of God that declares them “very good”
(Gen 1:31: “God saw all that he had made, and it
was very good.”).
7
These words are not present in the Greek.
8
In my non-scholarly opinion, this reference to angels
ties into Paul’s overarching notions of authority. The
angels need to observe and understand the submission of the woman to the authority under which God
has placed her, as a confirmation of and testimony
to God’s ultimate authority. The fallen angels failed
in exactly this area, refusing to accept the authority
of God.
9
See Matt 19:5; Mark 10:7–8.
10
Though we are sometimes called to “obey God rather
than men” (see Acts 5:29).
11
This is the attitude Peter also asks of women married
to unbelieving husbands in 1 Peter 3.
12
Any hint of cruelty or violence is abhorrent to
God—see Mal 2:12–16, which shows the husband’s
responsibility to fidelity and kindness. Divorce is seen
as a result of the husband’s hard heart.
13
2 Kgs 19:21–22: “This is the word that the Lord has
spoken concerning him: ‘She despises you, she scorns
you—the virgin daughter of Zion; she wags her head
behind you—the daughter of Jerusalem. Whom have
you mocked and reviled? Against whom have you
raised your voice and lifted your eyes to the heights?
Against the Holy One of Israel!’”
14
For specifics, see 1 Timothy 3.
15
2 Pet 3:15–16.
16
See 1 Tim 3:6,7; 2 Tim 2:26.
17
1 Timothy 4.
18
For a thorough discussion of the relation of sexuality
and spirituality, see Peter Jones, The God of Sex: How
Spirituality Determines Sexuality (Colorado Springs:
Cook, 2006).
19
See Eph 1:3ff; 6:13ff.
20
See R. Albert Mohler, Jr., “Are Stay at Home Moms
‘Letting Down the Team?’” [accessed 11 July 2006].
Online: http://www.albertmohler.com/
commentary_read.php?cdate=2006-02-24.
21
A wife with no children or with older children might
be able to hold down a full-time job and still give
herself to her marriage and her church. However, it
is easy, even with the best intentions, for a husband
and wife to slip into separate lives.
22
Catherine Clark Kroeger, “Faith Feminism, and
Family,” E-Quality (Spring 2006) [accessed 11
July 2006]. Online: http://www.cbeinternational.
org/new/E-Journal/2006/06spring/06springkroeger.
html: “A woman who chooses to raise a family must
have a sense of mission. The woman of Proverbs 31
was respected because of the way she had chosen to
organize her life. We need to be emphatic that there
are many meaningful activities in which a woman
can engage. If a woman chooses to be a mother, she
must first understand herself as a child of God, made
in God’s image, redeemed by Jesus Christ and empowered by the Holy Spirit. It is not God’s purpose
that she be shackled by the tyranny of her household,
but that within her family she find expression of her
17
faith.”
Take, for example, the sad response of one young
woman in a counseling situation: “But I don’t have
the gift of mercy!”
24
By the way, do not let the zero population growth
mentality daunt you. First of all, if you have ever
flown over the U.S.A., you will know that the earth is
not yet full. Secondly, the Lord will know when the
earth is full and will bring history to its culmination
in his good time.
25
The definite article (here, “the” childbirth) can
sometimes be used to indicate either an example par
excellence (e.g. “Did you see the game?” —“the” big
game), or in reference to a unique event or person (we
would say “the president”—there is only one president of our country). Since Paul elsewhere argues an
entire theological concept on the basis of a singular
vs. a plural form of the word “seed” (Gal 3:16), he may
well have intentionally inserted the definite article in
this sentence (the childbirth—the unique childbirth
that brings salvation). Such an interpretation explains
both his reference to salvation, and his reference to
Eve, who lived in hope of the promise given to her
that her “seed” (singular) would conquer the devil
and provide salvation for mankind. On this passage,
see also George Knight, The Pastoral Epistles (Grand
Rapids: Eerdmans, 1992), 140–49.
23
18
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JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 19-36
The Womanliness of
Deborah:
Complementarian
Principles from Judges 4–51
Barbara K. Mouser
Homemaker, Author, Speaker
Waxahachie, Texas
Introduction
According to the popular view, God
called Deborah to be one of the judges
of Israel, to lead men in war, and thus
to deliver the nation from oppression.
Deborah’s leading is considered normal
and precedent-setting. If one says that
women should not teach men or be
ordained, the answer comes back, “Oh,
but what about Deborah!” For example,
in Why Not Women?, a book co-authored
with David Joel Hamilton, Loren Cunningham writes, “All we need to do
to refute this idea—that leadership is
male—is to find one woman in the Bible
who was a gifted leader. Just one woman,
obviously gifted, anointed, and called by
God to lead. But as we look at Scripture,
we find not one but several, in both the
Old and New Testaments. . . . Deborah
was both a leader and a prophet. She was
the head of state, just as Samuel and other
prophets were in the days before Israel
had a king.”2
What about Deborah? Does the
text teach that Deborah is the leader
of the nation and its military deliverer?
Does Deborah provide an historical
precedent that overturns the principle of
male leadership in the home and nation?
Is Deborah a judge, a head of state, and
thereby a poster girl for egalitarianism?
Or has she been misrepresented?
Judges 4–5 is a complicated and
unusual passage. However, close examination of it will reveal that Deborah is
not a military leader, a head of state, or
an advocate for egalitarian principles. She
is a great Israelite, a prophetess, the most
noble person in the book of Judges, and a
womanly woman. She is a strong woman
in a day of weak men. Deborah’s glory is
that she uses her strength to strengthen
men so that God is glorified and the nation is freed.
The book of Judges takes place between the founding of the nation under
Moses and Joshua and the rise of the
kings. With God as Israel’s only king and
governmental bureaucracy at a minimum,
this should have been a time of great freedom and prosperity. However, because
19
of idolatry, it was instead a dark time of
oppression, civil and religious chaos, as
“every man did what was right in his own
eyes” ( Judges 17:6).
The book of Judges traces the following cycle six and a half times:
(1) The people turn away
from the Lord to idols;
(2) God chastens them with
oppressors;
(3) The people repent and
call out to God for salvation;
and
(4) God raises up a deliverer
who militarily defeats the oppressors, restoring freedom
for a time. These deliverers
are called judges.
The Prose Account of Judges 4
Judges 4–5 relates the third cycle
of the six and a half cycles presented in
the book. Verses 1–3 of chapter 4 cover
the first three parts of the cycle:
And the people of Israel
again did what was evil in the
sight of the Lord after Ehud
died. And the Lord sold
them into the hand of Jabin
king of Canaan, who reigned
in Hazor. The commander
of his army was Sisera, who
lived in Harosheth-hagoyim.
Then the people of Israel
cried out to the Lord for
help, for he had 900 chariots
of iron and he oppressed the
people of Israel cruelly for
twenty years.3
Usually at this point in the cycle,
God raises up or calls a military deliverer
to save the people. This is perfectly in
accord with the definition of a judge
20
given in the introduction of the book:
Then the Lord raised up
judges, who saved them out
of the hand of those who
plundered them. Yet they
did not listen to their judges,
for they whored after other
gods. . . . Whenever the Lord
raised up judges for them, the
Lord was with the judge,
and he saved them from the
hand of their enemies all the
days of the judge ( Judges
2:16,18).
According to Judges 2:16, 18, a
judge was a person whom God raised
up to deliver the people militarily from
oppressors—judges saved out of the hand
of those who plundered them; they saved
from the hand of their enemies. Second,
Judges 2:16 mentions that the Israelites
did not listen to their judges. Clearly this
indicates that the judges did have some
teaching or exhorting function. However,
in this definition and in the presentation
of the actual judges in the book, the military deliverer aspect is overwhelmingly
the emphasis.4
Who is Deborah?
Now Deborah, a prophetess,
the wife of Lappidoth, was
judging Israel at that time.
She used to sit under the
palm of Deborah between
Ramah and Bethel in the
hill country of Ephraim, and
the people of Israel came up
to her for judgment ( Judges
4:4–5).
When we come to Judges 4:4–5,
we are presented with a variation in the
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cycle. We are not presented with the call
or rise of a warrior. Rather, a woman is
introduced and a state of affairs is described. Deborah is the only significant
character in the book of Judges whose
call is not described5 and who is not said
“to arise,” the formulaic description of
a deliverer-judge, as with Othniel (3:9),
Ehud (3:15), Gideon (6:14), Tola (10:1),
and Jair (10:3).
Deborah was a Prophetess
The first thing the text tells us about
Deborah is that she is a prophetess. A
prophet is one who receives and communicates words directly from and for God
(Exod 4:15–16; 7:1). There were true and
false prophets (e.g., 1 Kgs 22), faithful
and unfaithful prophets (Num 24:12–13;
31:16; 1 Kgs 13), and lifelong and temporary prophets (Num 11:24). Being
a prophet does not tell us a lot about a
person’s role or even his character. Some
prophets appear, deliver a message, and
are not heard from again. Others are towering figures. Except in a few cases, like
Moses and Samuel, they are not the rulers
of the nation. Most often prophets came
to the king with messages from God of
warning, guidance, or judgment. Even
David, who was a prophet, received this
kind of ministry from Nathan and Gad.6
Whatever the particulars, in the Old Testament a prophet of Yahweh spoke God’s
words as his agent and mouthpiece.
Prophetesses are extremely rare in
Scripture. There are 470 occurrences of
the words prophet/prophets in the Bible
and only nine occurrences of prophetess/
prophetesses. Of these nine, two are false
prophetesses. This leaves only Miriam,
Deborah, Huldah, and Isaiah’s wife7 as
legitimate Old Testament prophetesses.
The New Testament prophetesses function in a different era and may do so with
a different kind of prophetic gift and so
are not included here.8
That Deborah is a prophetess means
God sometimes speaks through her. By
itself, this information does not tell us
anything about her role in the nation or
even about her character. God chooses
whom he will, and usually we do not
know why. Isaiah tells us that the rule of
women is a sign of degeneracy, not liberation (Isa 3:12). Certainly the time of the
judges is a dark time in Israel’s history.
Those who seek to extrapolate doctrine or
practice from Deborah need to remember
that Judges 4–5 is the historical report of
a very rare circumstance in a far-fromideal setting.9 These chapters are given
for our edification, but should not be seen
as precedents or used to overturn clear
commands of Scripture.
Deborah was Married
She was the wife of Lappidoth.
No details are given about Deborah’s
husband or marriage. However, the fact
that she is identified as a wife (4:4) and
later identifies herself as a mother (5:7)
who ministers from a particular place
(4:5) warrants the understanding that
Deborah’s ministry did not negate her
responsibilities at home.
Deborah was Judging (Adjudicating)
Next we are told that Deborah was
judging Israel at that time.10 The word
shaphat (“to judge”) is a broad and general word that can mean “judge,” “adjudicate,” “decide,” “govern,” “deliver,”
“pronounce judgment,” or “execute
judgment.” Fortunately, contextual information helps us to understand what
Deborah was doing.
Clearly Deborah is not providing
military deliverance under her palm tree.
While the text is not specific, it is most
likely that she is rendering verdicts in
lawsuits, and/or giving divine guidance.
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First Samuel 9:6–10 provides an example of this practice. The future king, Saul,
seeks a prophet or “seer” when he loses
his donkeys. In 1 Sam 9:6, Saul says to
this servant, “Behold, there is a man of
God in this city, and he is a man who
is held in honor; all that he says comes
true. So now let us go there. Perhaps he
can tell us the way we should go.” Three
things are said about the seer (prophet)
that Saul seeks: (1) he is known to be a
man of God; (2) he is held in honor; and
(3) all that he says comes true.
Undoubtedly the same could be
said for Deborah. She is not merely wise
or insightful; she is actually a prophetess—she speaks the words of God. Second, Deborah is a woman of integrity,
loyal to God and dependable. Whether
she dealt with issues such as: “Should I
marry Sue or Jane?” or “Pete stole my
pig; make him give it back,” the text
simply does not say. Whatever the details, we know that her judging provided
adjudication or guidance counseling, not
military deliverance from oppressors. In
this sense, she is “judging,” but she is not
a “judge” as the role is presented in the
book of Judges.
The question arises, where are the
elders and priests whom God had appointed to judge the people (Exod 29:9;
Num 11:16–25)? The only priest mentioned in the book of Judges is apostate
(Judges 17–18). The elders after Joshua’s
time are corrupt or foolish (Judges 2:7,
10; 8:14–16; 21). Likely, the people resorted to Deborah because she had both
the word of God and personal integrity,
a rare combination in those days.
Deborah was under Her Palm Tree
One detail about Deborah’s style
of ministry is mentioned. She stayed put,
under her palm tree, and the people came
to her. Years later, Samuel also judged at
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Ramah (1 Sam 7:15–17). Unlike Deborah, he walked a circuit. Deborah’s habit
was to minister at home. This is a detail;
nevertheless, home-based work is classically feminine.
The Deliverer-Judge Barak
Call and Command
She sent and summoned
Barak the son of Abinoam
from Kedesh-naphtali and
said to him, “Has not the
Lord, the God of Israel, commanded you, ‘Go, gather your
men at Mount Tabor, taking
10,000 from the people of
Naphtali and the people of
Zebulun. And I [the Lord]
will draw out Sisera, the general of Jabin’s army, to meet
you by the river Kishon with
his chariots and his troops,
and I [the Lord] will give
him into your hand’?” ( Judges
4:6–7).
Whatever the nature of Deborah’s
judging ministry, something provokes
her to summon Barak (v. 6). From the
context, we know the following: (1) The
northern tribes were suffering a harsh
oppression (4:2–3; 5:6–7); and (2) they
had cried to the Lord for help (4:3).
Whether God initiated the message to Deborah to commission Barak in
response to the people’s cries to him, or
whether the people petitioned Deborah
and she sought the Lord for his word, we
do not know. What we do know is that
God’s prophetic word is to call and command Barak to engage the enemy general,
with a sure promise of victory.
Again, demonstrating her preference for ministering from home, Deborah
sends for Barak. His coming a distance
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of some seventy-five miles indicates his
respect for the Lord and for his prophetess. Deborah’s words to Barak make at
least three things clear: (1) She does not
speak from her own wisdom or because
of her popularity with the people. She
speaks on the authority of the word of
God alone; (2) Barak is and has been the
military leader of the tribes—“go gather
your men”; and (3) Barak is here called
to be the deliverer-judge as described in
Judges 2:16, 18.
Deborah frames her message to
Barak as a question: “Has not the Lord,
the God of Israel, commanded you?” (4:6)
It is a question and yet it demands an
affirmative answer, putting the greatest
possible emphasis on the fact that it is
Yahweh who has commanded, and it is
he who will win the battle. What more
could any general ask? God not only
tells him what to do and where to go,
but what the outcome will be—certain
victory. Nevertheless, instead of marching off speedily to execute the will of the
Lord, Barak issues his own condition to
Deborah and thereby to God.
Condition and Accommodation
Barak is the commander of the
army; the people have cried out for salvation, and yet no deliverer has arisen.
It is likely that God has previously commanded Barak to go forth,11 but he has
refused to go. If this is the case, Deborah is repeating a command Barak has
already heard, but refuses to obey. (God
often sent prophets to warn and command
errant leaders.12) Whatever has happened
in the past, Barak’s counter-condition in
the next verse is very clear: “Barak said
to her, ‘If you will go with me, I will go,
but if you will not go with me, I will not
go’” (4:8).
We do not know why Barak does
not obey the Lord straightaway. Perhaps
he thinks the people do not trust him as
much as they trust Deborah; perhaps he
fears they will not answer his muster.
Perhaps he trusts Deborah’s physical
presence as an assurance of God’s help
more than God’s own promise. Whatever
the reason, Barak’s issuing a condition
to God is not a good or admirable thing
(as some have tried to make it13). Both
Deborah and God are displeased with this
response from Barak as we see by their
responses to him.
Condition and Judgment
And she said, “I will surely go
with you. Nevertheless, the
road on which you are going
will not lead to your glory, for
the Lord will sell Sisera into
the hand of a woman.” Then
Deborah arose and went
with Barak to Kedesh. And
Barak called out Zebulun
and Naphtali to Kedesh. And
10,000 men went up at his
heels, and Deborah went up
with him ( Judges 4:9–10).
Willing to accommodate Barak’s
weakness, Deborah agrees to go; but she
is not pleased or honored. Apparently, she
would prefer for Barak to go do his job
and leave her under her palm tree to do
hers. She sees the demand that she go to
the battle as unnecessary. God sees it as
shameful, and pronounces through Deborah a divine judgment against Barak the
warrior. It was the duty of ancient commanders to meet their enemies of equal
rank and standing. That Barak’s opposing
commander, Sisera, will be vanquished by
a woman will be a shame to both Barak
and Sisera ( Judges 9:52–57).
Upon first reading, some might
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imagine that Deborah is the woman
who will slay Sisera, but God has another
woman in mind. Verse 11 is included at
this point to prepare the way for Jael’s
appearance later in the chapter: “Now
Heber the Kenite had separated from the
Kenites, the descendants of Hobab the
father-in-law of Moses, and had pitched
his tent as far away as the oak in Zaanannim, which is near Kedesh.”
The Battle: Deborah Exhorts; Barak Goes
Forth; God Triumphs
When Sisera was told that
had gone up to Mount Tabor, Sisera called out all his
chariots, 900 chariots of iron,
and all the men who were
with him, from Haroshethhagoyim to the river Kishon.
And Deborah said to Barak,
“Up! For this is the day in
which the Lord has given
Sisera into your hand. Does
not the Lord go out before
you?” So Barak went down
f rom Mount Tabor with
10,000 men following him.
And the Lord routed Sisera
and all his chariots and all
his army before Barak by the
edge of the sword. And Sisera
got down from his chariot
and fled away on foot. And
Barak pursued the chariots
and the army to Haroshethhagoyim, and all the army of
Sisera fell by the edge of the
sword; not a man was left
( Judges 4:12–16).
After Barak and Deborah return
to the north, Barak calls out the troops
and goes to Mount Tabor as commanded.
24
However, when God draws Sisera out as
he promised, Barak is again slow to act.
Deborah commands Barak with the same
sort of language that she used in their first
encounter. She exhorts him to act, using
once again the form of a rhetorical question to emphasize that God himself is the
one who goes forth to destroy the enemy,
“Does not the Lord go out before you?”
Thus encouraged, Barak goes forth, the
men follow him,14 and God routs Sisera’s
army.
A Surprise Ending for Sisera
But Sisera fled away on foot
to the tent of Jael, the wife of
Heber the Kenite, for there
was peace between Jabin the
king of Hazor and the house
of Heber the Kenite. And Jael
came out to meet Sisera and
said to him, “Turn aside, my
lord; turn aside to me; do not
be afraid.” So he turned aside
to her into the tent, and she
covered him with a rug. And
he said to her, “Please give me
a little water to drink, for I
am thirsty.” So she opened a
skin of milk and gave him a
drink and covered him. And
he said to her, “Stand at the
opening of the tent, and if any
man comes and asks you, ‘Is
anyone here?’ say, ‘No.’” But
Jael the wife of Heber took a
tent peg, and took a hammer
in her hand. Then she went
softly to him and drove the
peg into his temple until it
went down into the ground
while he was lying fast asleep
from weariness. So he died
( Judges 4:17–21).
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Hospitality with a Hammer
The Kenites were descendants of
Moses’ brother-in-law Hobab, who had
acted as a guide for Israel in the wilderness (Num 10:29–32). Later they settled
among the tribe of Judah in the south.
Heber, Jael’s husband, moves away from
his relatives to the north, where he is on
good terms with Jabin the Canaanite
king. It is probably for this reason, that
Sisera trusts Jael’s invitation and enters
her tent for sanctuary. At first Jael is the
perfect hostess, inviting the exhausted
general into her tent and serving him
lavishly. In response, Sisera commands
her to stand guard and protect him from
pursuing Israelites. When Sisera is asleep,
however, Jael kills him with the skill and
common implements of a bedouin wife.
She drives a tent peg through his temple
with a hammer. Thus the Canaanite
general comes to a surprising and ignominious end, exactly in accord with God’s
prediction through Deborah.
Barak Pursues What He Cannot Attain
And behold, as Barak was
pursuing Sisera, Jael went
out to meet him and said to
him, “Come, and I will show
you the man whom you are
seeking.” So he went in to
her tent, and there lay Sisera
dead, with the tent peg in his
temple ( Judges 4:22).
Just as Barak did not obey God’s
command to go to battle without condition, neither does he accept God’s
limitation on his glory. After the battle,
Barak pursues the fleeing Sisera, apparently determined to seek what God has
expressly forbidden him, the glory of
slaying Sisera. Barak probably assumed
that the woman prophesied was Debo-
rah. When Deborah did not go to the
battle, Barak may have thought he could
triumph after all. But God’s possibilities
and resources are limitless. Barak did not
know that God had another woman living right in Sisera’s path of retreat who
would be more than able and willing to
kill this wicked man.
So on that day God subdued
Jabin the king of Canaan
before the people of Israel.
And the hand of the people
of Israel pressed harder and
harder against Jabin the king
of Canaan, until they destroyed Jabin king of Canaan
( Judges 4:23–24).
The Poetic Account of Judges 5
The cycle of Deborah and Barak is
unique in Judges in that it is presented
twice, once in the prose account of chapter 4, and a second time in the dramatic
and poetic account of chapter 5. Probably in obedience to God’s command to
awake and sing in v. 12, Deborah writes
this vivid account of the events as only
an eyewitness could. It is considered
one of the oldest and finest examples of
Hebrew poetry. While Barak sings this
song with Deborah, she is its author, as
is indicated by her first person references
in vv. 7 and 13.
Why Deborah Sings
Then sang Deborah and
on that day: “That the leaders
took the lead in Israel, that
the people offered themselves
willingly, bless the Lord!
Hear, O kings; give ear, O
princes; to the Lord I will
sing; I will make melody to
25
the Lord, the God of Israel.
Lord, when you went out
from Seir, when you marched
from the region of Edom,
the earth trembled and the
heavens dropped, yes, the
clouds dropped water. The
mountains quaked before
the Lord, even Sinai before
the Lord, the God of Israel”
( Judges 5:1–5).
Deborah Praises God for Two Things
First, she praises him that God’s
people moved out in obedience to fight
for him—officers led and men followed.
Second, she praises God as the ultimate
warrior who brought his people from
Sinai and who triumphs over the Canaanites with supernatural power.
The Oppression and the Beginning of
Its End
“In the days of Shamgar,
son of Anath, in the days
of Jael, the highways were
abandoned, and travelers
kept to the byways. The villagers ceased in Israel; they
ceased to be until I arose; I,
Deborah, arose as a mother
in Israel. When new gods
were chosen, then war was
in the gates. Was shield or
spear to be seen among forty
thousand in Israel?” ( Judges
5:6–8).
Deborah describes the oppressive
conditions created by the Canaanites.
Travel, commerce, and village life had
ceased. People stayed home or crept
about in fear of assault, rape, and theft.
And yet, the root cause of the problem
was not the Canaanites; it was the Isra-
26
elites themselves who had chosen new
gods. Without God, they were prostrate
and disarmed before their technologically superior foes.
This was the situation until, “I,
Deborah, arose as a mother in Israel.”
While God is clearly the deliverer of his
people, this short verse reveals Deborah
as the human hinge of the story. When
oppression and slavery seemed the immovable state of affairs, Deborah arose
as a mother. Through her, deliverance is
given birth; “the noble remnant comes
forth” (v. 13).
Deborah is best understood as one
of the significant biblical women who
“open the door” on great historical developments. Women sometimes initiate
great events; but, as we shall see, men
must walk through the doors women
open in order to complete and execute
what the women have begun. This is not
a contradiction of the basic gender pattern in which men initiate and women
respond; but rather represents an example
of the “interdependence” principle laid
out by Paul in 1 Cor 11:8–12.15 Scriptural
examples of this pattern of women initiating great events and men completing
them are:
•The midwives reject Pharaoh’s command;
Moses is born and grows up
to crush Egypt.
•Rahab opens the door of
Canaan to Israelite spies;
Joshua comes through to
conquer the land.
•Hannah opens her life to
God in a corrupt day;
Samuel comes forth to establish the kingdom.
•Ruth insists on coming to
Bethlehem;
God, through Boaz, plants
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the Messianic line.
•Mary opens her spirit and
body to God’s call;
Christ comes through her to
save the world.
•Deborah exhorts and supports Barak in battle;
Barak and his men defeat the
Canaanites.
How do we know that these actions are gender “counterpoint” and not
a deliberate overturning of patriarchy?
Deborah identifies herself as a mother,
not a revolutionary title for a woman.
Is she referring to the fact that she is
a biological mother, or is she implying
a motherly attitude and posture to the
whole nation? Both are completely warranted from context. She describes her
motivation, not as a judge or even as a
prophetess, but rather as a mother, one
concerned for the life and well-being of
God’s children.
Praising Men and God
My heart goes out to the
commanders of Israel who
offered themselves willingly
among the people. Bless the
Lord ( Judges 5:9)
In v. 9, Deborah’s “heart goes
out”—she is full of admiration for and
pride in the Israelite men who came
forth to lead Israel. An officer corps answered the muster of Barak, enrolled, and
took charge of the enlisted volunteers.
For these commanders, without whom
no army would exist, Deborah praises
God. Had not these men followed God,
Deborah’s initiating would have availed
nothing.
“Tell of it, you who ride on
white donkeys, you who sit
on rich carpets and you who
walk by the way. To the sound
of musicians at the watering
places, there they repeat the
righteous triumphs of the
Lord, the righteous triumphs
of his villagers in Israel. Then
down to the gates marched
the people of the Lord”
( Judges 5:10–11).
Judges 5:3 is a call to the defeated
Canaanite kings (vassals of Jabin who
served under Sisera), to worship the true
God. Judges 5:10 is apparently a second
such call to the Canaanite enemies, this
time to the wealthy merchants who prospered through Jabin’s oppression. These
men are also commanded to tell of the
triumphs of God and Israel.
Gender-Specific Commands
“Awake, awake, Deborah!
Awake, awake, break out in
a song! Arise, Barak, lead
away your captives, O son of
Abinoam” ( Judges 5:12).
Deborah’s song presents a staccato
series of scenes, full of energy and rich
imagery, but often with little context.
Verse 12 may represent a summary of
God’s overall commands to Deborah and
Barak for the whole operation—Deborah, you prophesy; Barak, you go to war.
More specifically these directions fit the
situation after God routed Sisera. Deborah is to sing—lead the response of praise
for the victorious warriors. (For other
examples, see Miriam, Exod 15:1–18,
20–21, and the women of David’s day,
1 Sam 18:6–7.) Barak is to finish what
remains of the military operation by leading away the captives. In either case, these
27
commands are classically gender-specific:
Deborah is to respond with praise; Barak
is to go and do.
The Roll Call of Honor and Shame
“Then down marched the
remnant of the noble; the
people of the Lord marched
down for me against the
mighty. From Ephraim their
root they marched down
into the valley, following you,
Benjamin, with your kinsmen; from Machir marched
down the commanders, and
f rom Zebulun those who
bear the lieutenant’s staff; the
princes of Issachar came with
Deborah, and Issachar faithful to Barak; into the valley
they rushed at his heels.
Among the clans of Reuben
there were great searchings
of heart. Why did you sit
still among the sheepfolds,
to hear the whistling for the
flocks? Among the clans
of Reuben there were great
searchings of heart. Gilead
stayed beyond the Jordan;
and Dan, why did he stay
with the ships? Asher sat still
at the coast of the sea, staying
by his landings. Zebulun is a
people who risked their lives
to the death; Naphtali, too,
on the heights of the field”
( Judges 5:13–18).
The Faithful and Unfaithful Tribes
In v. 13, Deborah returns to her introductory theme—praise for God’s people rising up to follow him in holy war.
In the verses that follow, she identifies by
name the tribes that answered God’s call
28
and are thus worthy of praise—Ephraim,
Benjamin, Machir (alternate name for
Manasseh), Zebulun, and Issachar. On
the other hand, Reuben, Gilead, and Dan
are singled out for shame. They heard the
call of God, but tarried with the daily
affairs of flocks and fleets. Deborah, as a
true glory-of-man woman (1 Cor 11:7),
gives herself whole heartedly, not only to
the praise of God but also to the praise
of worthy men. Following the patterns
of wisdom, she is a full-orbed woman
of wisdom, speaking life-giving counsel
and praising the righteous (Prov 4:7–9;
8:13–21), while scorning and rejecting
the dishonorable (Prov 1:24–33). In v.
18, the highest praise is awarded Zebulun
and Naphtali. These tribes not only answered God’s call, they risked their very
lives in the fiercest part of the battle.
God Who Wins the Battle
“The kings came, they fought;
then fought the kings of Canaan, at Taanach, by the waters of Megiddo; they got no
spoils of silver. From heaven
the stars fought, from their
courses they fought against
Sisera. The torrent Kishon
swept them away, the ancient
torrent, the torrent Kishon.
March on, my soul, with
might! Then loud beat the
horses’ hoofs with the galloping, galloping of his steeds”
( Judges 5:19–22).
In vv. 19–22, Deborah moves from
outlining the faithful and unfaithful
deeds of men to describe that which
actually turns the battle—the work of
God and angels. Sisera’s nine hundred
chariots were effective in the plain of the
Esdraelon Valley where this battle was
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fought. However, just as Sisera comes
forth in his might, God supernaturally
sends a torrential downpour to cause
the usually tiny Kishon river to turn
into a flood. The chariots are caught in
a quagmire, the horses break loose in a
frenzy, and Sisera’s troops are left in rout.
Almost certainly the stars fighting from
heaven is a reference to the angelic forces
who battled demons in order to fulfill
God’s command to send this unusual
rain storm. The similarity between the
victory at the Red Sea and this victory
is apparent. God is the almighty God of
nature. The strongest weapons of man
are no match for him. The Canaanite
god Baal, supposedly the god of rain and
lightning, is shown to be as impotent as
his servants.
of retreat and had special opportunity to
help with the pursuit and slaughter of
the enemy, but they did not. The Lord
curses them thoroughly because they did
not help him. As we have seen, God does
not need men. He will sovereignly win
the battle whatever the details. However,
God desires to work with, in, and through
his people. Their response to his commands does not determine the outcome
of the battle; it determines the outcome
of their own lives. Judges 4–5 presents a
microcosm of all history. All of the ages
encompass a holy war between God and
his servants and Satan and his servants.
In the end, the record will be clear—who
came to serve, who did not, who served
with highest distinction, and who were
cowards of greatest ignominy.
The Strongest Curse
Jael, the Blessed Bedouin
“Curse Meroz, says the angel
of the Lord, curse its inhabitants thoroughly, because they
did not come to the help of
the Lord, to the help of the
Lord against the might ”
( Judges 5:23).
Deborah has been writing her song
in the words of God under the inspiration of his Spirit, but now in v. 23 she
quotes the Lord directly. The angel of
the Lord is the Ultimate Warrior who
has brought the Israelites from Sinai,
through Sier, and into the land under
Joshua (Exod 23:20–33). Now he, the
preincarnate Christ, utters a curse on
the town of Meroz. Apparently Meroz
was a town in or about the Esdraelon
Valley; it is unknown and unfound, a
reasonable expectation given this curse.
Meroz’s curse is more severe than the
shame put upon the other slackers. Perhaps the men of Meroz were near the line
“Most blessed of women
be Jael, the wife of Heber
the Kenite, of tent-dwelling
women most blessed. He
asked water and she gave him
milk; she brought him curds
in a noble’s bowl. She sent her
hand to the tent peg and her
right hand to the workmen’s
mallet; she struck Sisera; she
crushed his head; she shattered and pierced his temple.
Between her feet he sank, he
fell, he lay still; between her
feet he sank, he fell; where
he sank, there he fell—dead”
( Judges 5:24–27).
What a contrast between Meroz
and Jael! Israelites who had every opportunity and reason to serve God did
not, and thus receive the harshest curse.
Jael, a non-Israelite with apparently no
opportunity or capacity, becomes the
29
heroine of the battle! Truly God uses the
weaker things of this world to overcome
the mighty.
Who was Jael? Why did she do
what she did? She was of the Kenites,
descendants of Moses’ in-laws, friends of
the Jews. But she was not a Jew. In addition, her husband Heber had moved away
from the Judahites in the south to live by
choice in a land of Canaanite oppression.
Heber and Jabin are on friendly terms;
but as becomes clear, Jael and Sisera are
not. Jael bears strong resemblance to
Rahab in Joshua 2. Rahab was a non-Jew,
who lived in the midst of Canaanites;
indeed she was one. She, like they, had
significant knowledge of the God of Israel; his mighty deeds had been shaking
the nations for decades ( Josh 2:8–13).
But unlike the other Canaanites, Rahab
chose to repent of her idolatry and seek
the mercy of Yahweh. Jael lived among
Canaanites, but she is a loyal worshipper
of Yahweh. When her opportunity comes
to strike a literal blow for God and freedom, she does it without hesitation.
The phrase most blessed of women
brings to mind Mary, the mother of
Christ, though it seems hard to imagine
two women more different than Jael and
Mary. There is a difference of magnitude.
Jael is the most blessed of tent-dwelling
women. She is here honored as the greatest bedouin woman to ever live. Mary, on
the other hand, is the greatest woman of
all generations. However, Jael and Mary
share a similarity that is the foundation
of their greatness. Both are on the Lord’s
side, utterly committed to him. Both
love him first with heart, mind, and soul.
Both are willing to do whatever he needs
or wants done—be it slaying a wicked
general or bringing the Son of God into
the world, they are both the “handmaids
of the Lord.”
30
A Defeated Champion in the Combat
of Mothers
“[T]he mother of Sisera
wailed through the lattice:
‘Why is his chariot so long
in coming? Why tarry the
hoofbeats of his chariots?’
Her wisest princesses answer, indeed, she answers
herself, ‘Have they not found
and divided the spoil?—A
womb or two for every man;
spoil of dyed materials for
Sisera, spoil of dyed materials
embroidered, two pieces of
dyed work embroidered for
the neck as spoil?’” ( Judges
5:28–30).
In the last scene of Deborah’s song,
we move from the tent of Jael to the house
of Sisera’s mother, where this well-to-do
woman impatiently waits the return of
her son from the battle. Not considering
defeat as a possibility, she and her attendants speculate about what is keeping the
general. Their answer—rape and pillage.
Deborah could not have portrayed the
Canaanite culture more effectively than
this!16 When the “cultivated” matrons of
a people deliberately and enthusiastically
rear sons for the military, economic, and
sexual oppression of their neighbors, then
you know you are dealing with a corrupt
society.
Deborah is a modest and humble
woman. She does not dwell on herself or
her role in events. However, by closing
her song with Sisera’s mother, she casts
herself without words as the victorious champion of mothers in the battle
between light and dark, good and evil,
between Yahweh and those who hate
him. Deborah’s God has triumphed over
Baal; her technologically inferior culture
FALL 2006
has defeated the corruption of Canaan;
her man Barak will come back from the
battle to enter the roll call of faith (Heb
11:32-34), while the tyrant Sisera lies
dead with a tent peg through his head.
Many Israelite men have been faithful,
while the hosts of Sisera have been swept
away by flood and sword. Deborah has
reason to rejoice. Her God has brought
great triumph, and she has been the
mother of it.
“So may all your enemies
perish, O Lord! But your
friends be like the sun as he
rises in his might.” And the
land had rest for forty years
( Judges 5:31).
Complementarian Principles from
Judges 4–5
Having reviewed the text of Judges
4–5, let us return to our original question.
Does the cycle of Deborah and Barak
support egalitarianism? Does Deborah’s
ministry refute the whole principle of
male leadership as some suggest?
The Womanliness of Deborah
Deborah is not an example or
justification for women’s usurpation of
men’s offices or roles. Rather, as a strong
woman, she deploys her strength by disciplining its use in womanly ways in order
to strengthen men and glorify God.
Deborah is Not a Judge
She is not a judge in the sense that
the book of Judges defines a judge; she
is not a military deliverer.17 Rather she
is a prophetess, and as a prophetess, she
commands and exhorts Barak with God’s
own words and authority.
Deborah Accommodates and Cooperates
She works with Barak in ministry.
She goes with him to the muster and
shares with him the song she writes. She
does not see Barak as a sensitive man
who is opening equal opportunity for
women on the battlefield. Barak’s weakness irritates her; nevertheless she works
for his success.
Deborah is a Wife and Mother
She stays at her palm tree and
lets people come to her to receive her
ministry. Her womanliness encompasses
and informs her ministry; her ministry
does not obliterate her womanliness. Her
competitor is not Barak, or even Jabin
or Sisera; by implication she presents
Sisera’s mother as the champion she
bests.
She Does Not Lead or Fight in the Battle
War is the work of men. Nowhere
in the Bible are women mustered for battle. To be killed by a woman was dishonorable ( Judges 9:52–54). Women have
always played a significant role in war as
spies, informants, and as anchors on the
domestic front (Num 32:1–27, esp. vv.
26–27; Joshua 2; 2 Sam 17:17–20). On
rare occasions, they kill. But, according to
the Bible, it is not normative, desirable,
or glorious for women to go to battle
with men.
She Arises as a Mother, Not As a Judge or
Warrior
Because she uses her prophetic gift
in the context of integrity and womanliness, Deborah becomes a powerful wisdom figure for the nation. Her strength
is used to motivate men, and when they
act, she is the first to praise them. When
they are lazy or cowardly, she is the first
to scorn them. What women want in
society is usually what they get. Sisera’s
31
mother approved of rape and theft;
Deborah wanted freedom and the glory
of God.
Deborah is Commanded to Sing, Not Take
Captives
Her song emphasizes praise to
God for the victory and for the men
who fought willingly. Deborah is a great
“glory of man” woman. Of the thirty-one
verses in her song, seven explicitly praise
the righteous and courageous men who
came forth to fight (vv. 2, 9, 11, 13, 14,
15, 18).
If Deborah Had Been Egalitarian
The final test for determining
whether a woman is complementarian
or egalitarian is to look at the results
of her life and work. Complementarian
women want to strengthen men as leaders, providers, and protectors. Egalitarian
women want to replace men in these
roles. The most convincing evidence
that Deborah was a womanly woman,
“complementarian” in belief and practice, is to look at the results of her life. If
Deborah had been egalitarian, her goal
would have been to take Barak’s job,
not exhort him to do it. Her goal would
have been to arise as a deliverer, not as a
mother. She would have exploited Barak’s
invitation to the battlefield, not reproved
it. She would have battled for equal
opportunity for Israelite women in the
combat arms, not praised a homemaker.
She would have filled her hymn with her
own achievements, not those of men at
arms. Her goal would have been to have
her name in Hebrews 11, not Barak’s.
In short, her goal would have been to
replace the men, not make them strong.
Deborah is a Woman Who Opened
the Door
Her exhorting and going forth as a
32
companion to Barak is the catalyst that
rouses the faithful remnant of the nation.
The result is victory and glory for God,
honor for the men who served willingly,
shame for slackers, and great renown
for two women who stood in the gap
in extraordinary ways. A great lady of
wisdom, she exhorts, reproves, condemns,
and praises in the pattern of Wisdom
herself. She is a life-giving mother and a
“glory of man” to men who are the glory
of God. Her purpose is to exalt men into
their proper roles and then praise them
generously for it.
What Barak Did
Barak is a weak man who does the
will of God when paired with a righteous and wise woman. He does the job
of deliverer-judge, makes the roll call of
faith, but suffers a loss of glory because
of his lack of zeal and obedience. For
clarification, let us review the deeds of
Barak for good and ill. On the negative
side, Barak knew his job as commander
but did nothing to save the people in
their bondage. When Deborah commands him, he hesitates, demanding
that she go with him. On the day of
the battle, Deborah again must “push
him out the door” with command and
exhortation. Finally, Barak, unwilling to
pursue when commanded, then pursues
when forbidden. He attempts to pursue
Sisera, even though God has said he will
not slay him.
On the positive side, Barak does
go when Deborah says go and when she
accompanies him. He does call out the
men, go to Mt. Tabor, and lead 10,000
men down the mountain. He does behold God rout Sisera before him, and
he does pursue the Canaanite chariots
and army.
One of the clearest statements that
Barak, not Deborah, is the judge of this
FALL 2006
cycle is his listing with the other judges
in 1 Sam 12:11 and Heb 11:32–34:
And what more shall I say?
For time would fail me to
tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David
and Samuel and the prophets—who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced
justice, obtained promises,
stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of
fire, escaped the edge of the
sword, were made strong out
of weakness, became mighty
in war, put foreign armies to
flight (Heb 11:32–34).
Certainly Barak well fits the description, “were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign
armies to flight.”
Standing In, Not Taking Over
(1) Women taking men’s roles is an
abnormality, not a freedom. Women were
never anointed to be kings, priests, warrior judges, apostles, or elders. On rare
occasions they were prophetesses. There
is no precedent in Deborah for matriarchy or women’s ordination.
To use the rare and exceptional
woman as a fulcrum for overturning
the gender standards of Scripture and
nature is as pervasive today as it is aberrant. Because a woman is gifted, smart,
competent, or visionary is not an excuse
for giving her the offices and duties of
a man. To do so is a final judgment on
men and a displacement of the woman
that will prevent her from deploying her
strengths in their natural and most effective framework. By her words, Deborah
considered it more desirable to arise as
a mother than as a judge or even as a
prophetess.
It is a curse on a people when
women and children rule over them,
not because women and children are
inherently evil, but because it represents
a breakdown of God’s created order
whereby men lead and protect, while
women help and nurture for the glory of
God and the benefit of all.
(2) In the case of dead or absent men,
God allows women to stand in for—but
not take over—male roles and duties.
Zelophehad’s daughters provide a clear
case study of the “no men” problem. Zelophehad had no sons, so God said that his
daughters might inherit his land (Num
27:1–11). In this case, God approves the
idea of women standing in the gap where
there are no men to provide the natural
male leadership. However, in Numbers
36, we see that stand-ins can quickly
create a problem. The tribal elders come
back to Moses and point out that if the
women marry outside their tribe, then the
lands of Zelophehad will be transferred
to another tribe, thus diminishing the
God-appointed heritage of their tribe.
In reply, God says the women may marry
whomever they please, but the men must
be from their tribe in order to assure that
the tribal inheritances be preserved.
Stand-ins must have limitations;
otherwise stand-ins become take-overs,
and the fabric of society is destroyed.
Today our society is in tatters from takeovers, rooted more in gender confusion
and rebellion than in any other cause.
Some women do need to work outside
the home. However, when feminist doctrine establishes that all women should
work outside the home for their own
self-respect and independence, women
become take-overs in the workplace. Men
are displaced in their primary role as providers, and children are deprived of their
primary caregiver. Working women have
33
taken over from far too many men; divorce has taken over from life-long monogamy; and alternate forms of childcare
have taken over from motherhood. Men
are weakened and displaced; women are
exhausted and frustrated; and children
are neglected and abused. We have taken
the principle of Numbers 27, added sin
to it in many cases, and completely neglected the truth of Numbers 36. A great
deal of the genius of Deborah is that she
did stand in, but she limited herself even
as she did so. Therefore, God was glorified, and men, women, and children were
strengthened by her life and ministry, not
weakened.
Strengthening or Enabling Weak Men?
Accommodating Weak Men
Accommodating weak men, or a
man who is weak at the moment, is not
an exact science, but rather an art form
requiring much wisdom. When women
coddle and cover for weak men too much,
they exacerbate their weakness. However,
as in the case of Deborah, sometimes
exhortation or encouragement, coupled
with going the second mile in support
will enable an otherwise passive man to
do his duty. How far do you go? When
does helping a weak man strengthen
him? When does it only enable him to
be more irresponsible, thus augmenting
sin?
Deborah chose to go to the battle
and to tell Barak when to go; she did
not fight the battle for him; they shared
the victory together (they sang her song
together). Yet she refused to give him
the glory as the champion he was not.
He is only mentioned once in the song
of victory and that in praise of Issachar,
not Barak (v. 15).
34
Factors to Consider
When trying to discern the difference in strengthening men and enabling
them to be weak, consider:
Motive: Deborah clearly
had the glory of God and the
good of his people foremost
in her mind; her life was not
about exalting or advancing
herself.
Method: Deborah did her
ministry in “the style” of a
woman; she stayed home.
When telling Barak the word
of the Lord she puts it in a
form to emphasize the authority of God, not her own.
In recording events she put
much more emphasis on what
God and the men did, than
on what she did.
Short-term result: Deborah
had encouragement along the
way. After she agreed to go
with Barak, he actually went!
He mustered the troops. After she told him to go fight,
he went and fought.
Long-term result: Is a woman a stand-in for absent or
weak men, or is she a takeover? What is the long-term
effect of her work? What
does she seek to perpetuate?
Deborah does not found a
school of prophets nor does
Jael start a paramilitary academy for girls. Godly women
use every means at their disposal to get men to do their
jobs, not to take their jobs.
FALL 2006
Office and Gifts Are Appointed; Glory is
Earned
Complementarianism upholds
God’s appointed offices and roles. This
does not mean that incompetence is
called competence, that failure is honored as success, or that disobedience is
honored with glory. God is not mocked;
justice is justice. Glory will finally go to
those who earn it. Men must actually be
men, or they will not be glorified. The
question is, will we actually be women?
Glory, divine approval, and usefulness
to the kingdom belong to the faithful,
whether they are men, women, or children, in a tent, under a palm, or at the
head of the troops.
Conclusion
The most honorable character in
the book of Judges, Deborah, becomes
the catalyst and impetus for great good.
Because of her, God is glorified as the
deliverer-judge. Many men rise up and
fight bravely. Jael is honored as an extraordinary believer and servant of God.
Barak does his job, is honored for his
faith, although his glory is diminished.
Canaanite evil is defeated, and the northern tribes gain peace for forty years. For
all the millennia since, saints have been
edified by this great story of faith and
Deborah’s war hymn glorifying God and
those who came to fight for him.
Deborah did all this as a womanly
woman. She was not a military leader, a
head of state, or an advocate for egalitarian principles. Deborah was a wife, a
mother, a prophetess, a singer, a patriot,
and a great lover of God. Deborah was
strong and she was a prophetess. What
really makes her remarkable was that she
used her strengths and prophetic gift in
their most effective framework—the created channels of her own womanliness.
Previously published in 2003 by the International
Council for Gender Studies, Inc., P.O. Box 702,
Waxahachie, TX 75168, www.fiveaspects.org. Used
with permission.
2
Loren Cunningham and David Joel Hamilton
with Janice Rogers, Why Not Women? (Seattle, WA:
YWAM Publishing, 2000), 52.
3
4
I could find no clear example of one of the judges of
Israel teaching the people or addressing them except
to muster them for war (e.g., 7:24). The one passage
that could be called preaching or teaching is uttered
by a prophet, not a judge (6:7–10).
5
Unfortunately, even the excellent and conservative
commentary in The Woman’s Study Bible, calls Deborah
“A Distinguished Judge,” and speaks of her as “elevated to high political power,” extrapolating “God’s
call” from Judges 4:4 (The Woman’s Study Bible [ed.
Dorothy Kelley Patterson; Nashville, TN: Thomas
Nelson, 1995], 389, 392).
6
See 2 Sam 7:3–17 for the difference between Nathan
speaking for himself to David, and as the mouthpiece
of God.
7
Even this reference may be a way of referring to
Isaiah’s wife as “Mrs. Prophet,” rather than a reference
to her own function as God’s spokesman.
8
John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering
Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (Wheaton, IL:
Crossway, 1991), 70. Piper and Grudem explain the
difference between Old and New Testament prophecy
this way:
1
Prophecy in the worship of the early church was
not the kind of authoritative, infallible revelation we associate with the written prophecies
of the Old Testament. It was a report in human words based on a spontaneous, personal
revelation of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor 14:30)
for the purpose of edification, encouragement,
consolation, conviction, and guidance (1 Cor.
14:3, 24–25; Acts 21:4; 16:6–10). It was not
necessarily free from a mixture of human error,
and thus needed assessment (1 Thess. 5:19–20;
1 Cor. 14:29) on the basis of the apostolic
(Biblical) teaching.
For further information, see Wayne Grudem, The
Gift of Prophecy in 1 Corinthians (Washington: University Press of America, 1982); and Wayne Grudem,
“Prophecy—Yes, But Teaching—No: Paul’s Consistent Advocacy of Women’s Participation Without
Governing Authority,” Journal of the Evangelical
Theological Society 30, no. 1 (1987): 11–23.
9
The priesthood must have been no better in Deborah’s
time than in the time of Samuel under Eli and his
sons. As Daniel Block puts it, “The silence of the
priesthood in the book of Judges is deafening.”
(“Deborah Among the Judges: The Perspective of
35
the Hebrew Historian,” in Faith, Tradition, and History: Old Testament Historiography in Near Eastern
Context [ed. A. R. Millard, James K. Hoffmeier, and
David W. Baker; Winona Lake, IN: Eisenbraums,
1994], 252).
10
The NIV translation of Judges 4:4—“Deborah was
leading Israel at this time”—unfortunately and unnecessarily renders an egalitarian interpretation.
11
The divine warrant for the extermination of the
Cannaanites was given in Moses’ day (Deut 7:1–5);
yet because of Israel’s failure to obey completely,
the Canaanites remained among them as a snare
( Judges 2:1–4).
12
Examples of prophets counseling kings: Samuel
to Saul (1 Sam 13:8–14); Nathan to David (1 Sam
12:1–15); and Jeremiah to Zedekiah ( Jer 37:1–10).
13
Daniel Block argues that Barak is righteous, and that
“the request to be accompanied by the prophet is a
plea for the presence of God” (Daniel I. Block, Judges,
Ruth [New American Commentary; Nashville, TN:
Broadman & Holman, 1999], 199).
14
Sarah Sumner writes, “Deborah is commended for
leading ten thousand men into a battle against King
Jabin and his army” (Sarah Sumner, Men and Women
in the Church [Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity,
2003], 109). Leading the army into battle is what
Barak did, not what Deborah did.
15
Described in my Five Aspects of Woman (Waxahachie,
TX: ICGS, 2002), 249–50, 258; and in my “Prayer
Challenge to Five Aspects Women, 2001.” For more
information, see: www.fiveaspects.org.
It would be easy to develop a complete presentation of the “five aspects of woman” using Deborah.
She ruled her domain at the palm tree in a way that
reached the whole nation; she helped Barak become
the leader he needed to be; she gave life as a mother
to her country; she exhorted, reproved, and praised
the wise and the foolish as a true lady of wisdom;
and she exulted in glorifying honorable men and the
God who led them.
16
Sisera’s mother refers to the Israelite women, who
supposedly will be raped, with a crude and demeaning term.
17
Daniel I. Block (Judges, Ruth, 193–94) poses an impressive series of questions challenging the idea that
Deborah is presented as a savior or deliverer:
•Why is she not introduced as one whom Yahweh had raised up?
•Why is there no reference to her inspiration
and empowerment by Yahweh’s spirit?
•Why does she need Barak to accomplish the
deliverance?
•Why is the verb yasa, “to save,” never applied
to her?
•Why does she say, “The Lord will sell Sisera
into the hands of a woman,” instead of “into
my hands?”
•Why does the author observe that “she went
up with Barak,” (4:10) but avoid placing her
at the head of the troops?
36
•Why does Deborah announce to Barak, “This
day the Lord has given Sisera into your hands,”
(4:14) rather than into “my hands?”
•Why is she absent from the description of the
actual battle (4:15–17), and why does she never
meet Jabin or Sisera?
•Why did the poet prefer the title “mother in
Israel” (5:7) over “savior of Israel?”
•Why does the poet avoid the root qum, “to rise,”
let alone referring to Yahweh as the causative
subject, when he speaks of Deborah’s rise? (The
word translated “arose” in 5:7 is what Block
calls “an awkward variant,” not the typical verb
[226].).
FALL 2006
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 37-47
Women’s Ministry in
the Local Church:
A Covenantal and
Complementarian Approach1
Susan Hunt
Pastor’s Wife, Speaker, Author;
Consultant to Women in the Church Ministry, Presbyterian Church in America
Marietta, Georgia
Mary, a college woman in our
church, met with fourth- and fifth-grade
girls during the summer, discipling them
in principles of biblical womanhood.
After their first session, ten-year old Rachel said, “I’ve thought a lot about being
a Christian, but I never thought about
being a Christian woman.”
Our increasingly pagan culture
encourages us not to think about distinctions such as male and female. This is
why the women’s ministry in our church
extended our reach to fourth- and fifthgrade girls. By partnering with our Youth
Ministry, we began discipling teen girls.
Then, by partnering with our Children’s
Ministry, we are helping Mary disciple
pre-teen girls.2 This is as it should be—
one generation telling the next generation
the glorious deeds of God, including the
fact that “God created man in his own
image, in the image of God he created
him; male and female he created them”
(Gen 1:27).3
Androgyny was not, is not, and
will not be God’s way. An androgynous
approach to ministry in the church is not
a biblical approach. It was not good for
Adam to be alone in the garden, and a
genderless approach to ministry in God’s
church is not good. God did not give his
benediction of “It is very good” until man
and woman stood side by side, equal but
different.
The crisis of womanhood is too
critical for the church to be passive.
Scores of evangelical women are functional feminists because the world’s paradigm for womanhood is the only one they
have heard. The church should lead the
way in equipping God’s people to think
biblically about all of life, including a
biblical perspective of gender roles and
relationships.
The Dangerous Silence of the Church
The church must boldly articulate a
robustly positive perspective of womanhood and of woman’s role in the church.
The church must also equip godly older
women to disciple younger women to
think and live according to this perspec-
37
38
tive. If a local church remains silent on
this issue, women will be unequipped to
fulfill their covenantal calling.
It is insufficient for churches that
hold to male headship simply to compile
a list of things that are permissible for
women to do. We must go to the Scriptures and determine what is needful for
women to do. Gender-aloneness was “not
good” in the garden and the same is true
in the church.
There is no time for a culture of
inertia in the church. Feminism is the
only paradigm for womanhood that
many women and girls have ever considered. It takes a radical paradigm shift
to understand the essentials of biblical
womanhood. It takes grace-animated
obedience to God’s Word to live biblical
womanhood. Women’s ministries are the
apparatus the church can utilize to educate and equip women to stand tall and
brave in the war for womanhood.
The role of women in God’s church
is a vital and volatile question in every
age, but the increased visibility of this
topic in our time demands that the
church develop a theology of, and a
functioning model for, women’s ministry in the local church. Even among
evangelicals who hold to male headship,
there is widespread difference in practice
regarding women’s ministry.
organized they will make demands and seek power. In this
vacuum of isolation and underutilization of women there
is the potential for frustration
and anger-birthed leadership
to erupt among the women,
and the very thing the church
attempts to avoid becomes a
reality.
•Some churches assert that
women can do anything that
unordained men can do.
Some proponents of this approach say that since women
are mainstreamed into the
total ministry of the church,
a women’s ministry is irrelevant or redundant. The vulnerability of this position is
that it denies the uniqueness
of woman’s design and role
and leaves men and women
susceptible to egalitarianism.
Without a biblical apologetic of womanhood, and a
mechanism for women to be
discipled by godly women,
the church will imbibe the
world’s apologetic and this
distortion will create confusion and conflict among men
and women.
•In some churches the women’s ministry is event, task,
or personality driven. An
inherent danger is that any
ministry that is not biblically
informed will eventually
become competitive and divisive.
•Some churches do not
have a women’s ministry
because of a concern or even
experience that if women are
A common weakness of these approaches is a failure to affirm and celebrate the value of God’s creation design
and redemptive calling of women and the
necessity for woman’s design and calling
to be employed in the life and work of
the church. Many approaches to women’s
ministry are expedient and pragmatic responses to culture rather than thoughtful
and intentional applications of Scripture.
A biblical apologetic for women’s ministry in the local church will include:
FALL 2006
•A Biblical Apologetic for
Womanhood
•A Biblical Approach to
Women’s Ministry
•A Biblical Strategy
A Biblical Apologetic for Womanhood
Biblical womanhood and worldly
womanhood are radically different,
just as many things about the Christian
life are counter-cultural and counterintuitive. Without a biblical apologetic
for womanhood, individual women and
women’s ministries will lose their way.
The following is a summary of
the apologetic that is developed in the
Biblical Foundations for Womanhood
materials.4 This apologetic is based on
woman’s creation design as a helper
and her redemptive calling to be a lifegiver.
The triune God is a covenantmaking, covenant-keeping God, so
when he created man and woman in
his own image, the covenantal imprint
was stamped upon them. Biblical manhood and womanhood are a reflection
of the nature of God. The personal and
relational character of God requires that
his image-bearers be personal, relational
beings, thus he said, “It is not good that
the man should be alone” (Gen 2:8). The
equality and diversity of the Trinity are
reflected in gender equality and distinctiveness. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
are “the same in substance, equal in power
and glory” (Westminster Shorter Catechism,
Q. 6) but each Person of the Trinity has
a different role. God continued, “I will
make him a helper fit for him” (Gen 2:8).
The man and woman were created equally
in God’s image but designed for different
functions. Even headship and submission
are a reflection of the Trinity. “I want
you to understand that the head of every
man is Christ, the head of a wife is her
husband, and the head of Christ is God”
(1 Cor 11:3). Headship and submission
are not a result of the curse; headship
and submission have always existed in
the very nature of God.
Complementarians must not capitulate. We are not anachronistic throwbacks. We must be in the vanguard of a
movement to reclaim the wonder and
splendor of gender distinctiveness because this is a reflection of the wonder
and splendor of God’s plan and purpose.
A biblical understanding of woman’s
helper design is essential.
The Hebrew word translated helper,
ezer, is frequently used to refer to God
as our helper.
These passages give insight into the
function of an ezer:
•Exodus 18:4: “[Moses
named his son] Eliezer, for
he said, ‘My father's God was
my helper; he saved me from
the sword of Pharaoh.’”
•Psalm 10:14: “But you, O
God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in
hand. The victim commits
himself to you; you are the
helper of the fatherless.”
•Psalm 20:2: “May he send
you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from
Zion.”
•Psalm 33:20: “We wait in
hope for the Lord; he is our
help and our shield.”
•Psalm 70:5: “Yet I am poor
and needy; come quickly to
me, O God. You are my help
and my deliverer; O Lord, do
not delay.”
•Psalm 72:12–14: “For he
will deliver the needy who
cry out, the afflicted who
39
have no one to help. He will
take pity on the weak and
the needy and save the needy
from death. He will rescue
them from oppression and
violence, for precious is their
blood in his sight.
•Psalm 86:17: “You, O
Lord, have helped me and
comforted me.”
When the man and woman sinned,
Woman lost her ability to be a true
helper. At this point of hopelessness,
God gave hope. He promised that the
woman’s offspring would crush Satan’s
head (Gen 3:15). Adam affirmed and
celebrated his belief in this promise by
renaming her: “The man called his wife’s
name Eve, because she was the mother
of all living” (Gen 3:20). Eve means lifegiver. Because of her rebellion the woman
became a life-taker, but because of the
promise of life she became a life-giver.
This is more than biological. Woman’s
redemptive calling is to be a life-giver in
every relationship and circumstance.
The following descriptions (see
table below) clarify woman’s helper,
40
life-giving ministry. The ezer words are
strong, compassionate, relational, lifegiving words. Biblical womanhood is a
covenantal concept. The helper design
would be illogical in an autonomous
vacuum. This design is nonsensical in a
culture of self but is needful in a culture
of covenant.
When a church has a biblical
apologetic for womanhood, the foundational concepts of woman’s helper design
and life-giving mission can permeate the
women’s ministry. Whether that ministry is small and informal or large and
well-organized, it can be perpetually and
intentionally guided by three questions:
•Are we being helpers or
hinderers?
•Are we being life-givers or
life-takers?
•Are we equipping women to be helpers and lifegivers?
A friend moved to a new city. Her
family settled into a church where God’s
Word was faithfully preached and she
began attending a women’s Bible study,
Helper Life-Giver
Hinderer/ Life-Taker
Exod 18:4
Defends
Attacks
Ps 10:14
Sees, cares for oppressed
Indifferent, unconcerned for oppressed
Ps 20:2
Supports
Weakens
Ps 33:20
Shields, protects
Leaves unprotected and defenseless
Ps 70:5
Delivers from distress
Causes distress
Ps 72:12–14
Rescues poor, weak, needy
Ignores poor, weak, needy
Ps 86:17
Comforts
Avoids, causes discomfort
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but after several weeks she emailed me
that she had a growing concern. “The
church is great and the women’s ministry
is active, but the more I get to know the
women the more I realize that they think
like feminists. There is a disconnect between their belief in Scripture and their
application of Scripture to their lives as
women. How can this be?” I asked where
women were learning basic principles of
biblical womanhood. Several weeks later
she responded, “I’ve looked and listened
and I cannot find any place where women
are confronted with these truths.” Unfortunately this is a common problem.
Churches are filled with women
who have only heard the world’s perspective of womanhood. Even in churches
that are complementarian in theory, often
women are egalitarian in practice. Many
women’s ministries have stopped short of
true discipleship that moves from knowledge to wisdom—the application of truth
into life. They have helped women perfect
some Bible study skills, but they have not
discipled them to know how to live as
godly, chaste single women, or love their
husbands, or care for the sick and oppressed, or support the male leadership of
the church. They have not taught women
all that Jesus commanded in his Word
about their design and calling. Women
desperately need an apprenticeship with
mature Christian women who will train
them in the craft of womanhood.
A Biblical Approach to Women’s
Ministry: Covenantal and Complementarian
The starting point of a biblical
approach to women’s ministry is not
women—it is the church. When we
are justified, we are adopted into “the
household of God, which is the church
of the living God, a pillar and buttress
of truth” (1 Tim 3:15). Gratitude for our
adoption in Christ spills over in a love for
the particular local church, the covenant
family, where God has placed us to grow
and to serve.
The covenants of the Bible give
the framework to understand Scripture.
God’s covenant of grace supplies the vital structure, the unifying thread, of his
redemptive plan set forth in Scripture.
The covenant of grace is the sovereignly
initiated arrangement by which the triune God lives in saving favor and merciful relationship with his people. Because
we are in union with him, we are united
to his other children. So the covenant of
grace defines our relationship to God and
to one another. It orders a way of life that
flows out of a promise of life. To realize
this is to think and live covenantally.
A covenantal approach to women’s
ministry recognizes that the women’s
ministry is not an entity unto itself. It is a
part of the whole. It should be a helping,
life-giving ministry. It should be viewed
as one component of the Christian education, or discipleship, ministry of the
church.
A covenantal approach to a discipleship ministry is theology-driven.
What we do, why we do it, and how we do
it flows out of a systematic understanding of God’s Word. And yet in today’s
specialized, individualized church culture, too often ministries are personality,
program or market driven.
A personality-driven ministry revolves around the strength of a leader.
The focus is on the leader. The outcome
is often akin to hero worship rather
than relationships that are covenantal in
nature. It is not transferable. It will not
work unless that particular personality
is driving it. In a women’s ministry this
model can easily become divisive if the
leader disagrees with church leadership
and women must choose sides.
41
A program-driven ministry revolves
around happenings. The focus is on the
program. In a women’s ministry this
model can quickly become performance
driven rather than gospel driven. Often
women begin to feel territorial about
their programs. A we-they attitude sets
in. Competition rather than complementarity is divisive.
A market-driven ministry revolves
around the demands of the prospective
consumer. The focus is on the participants. Requests for ministry are usually
based on felt needs. The outcome results
in meeting the needs of individuals and
special interests groups. In a women’s
ministry this model often defines women
by their needs and divides them into
categories rather than teaching them the
splendor of a community united around
the common purpose of God’s glory.
It is easy for models to become
philosophies. It is not that anything is
wrong with the personality, the program
or meeting needs, but if there is no
over-arching purpose the ministry lacks
theological integrity.
A covenantal ministry involves an
intentional decision to make consistent
application of God’s covenant of grace to
what we do and how we do it. The focus
is on God. Because it is not personality,
program, or participant driven, it will
outlive any specific personality, program,
project, or need. It is not a structural
model. It is a theology of ministry from
which various structures may be built.
A biblical view of the church is
fundamental to this approach. It recognizes the authority of the church, including male headship. It acknowledges the
unity of the body and recognizes that
the various parts do not exist in isolation. Each member and each ministry
is a part of the whole. The church is to
equip each member to use his/her gifts
42
for the common good.
Grace was given to each
one of us according to the
measure of Christ’s gift . . .
and he gave the apostles, the
prophets, the evangelists, the
pastors and teachers, to equip
the saints for the work of
ministry, for building up the
body of Christ, until we all
attain to the unity of the faith
and of the knowledge of the
Son of God . . . speaking the
truth in love, we are to grow
up in every way into him
who is the head, into Christ,
from whom the whole body,
joined and held together by
every joint with which it is
equipped, when each part is
working properly, makes the
body grow so that it builds itself up in love (Eph 4:7–16).
Complementarianism gives the relational framework for men and women
to live out their covenantal privileges
and responsibilities. The complementarian position acknowledges that God
created men and women equal in being
but assigned different—yet equally valuable—functions in his kingdom and that
this gender distinctiveness complements,
or harmonizes, to fulfill his purpose.
Complementarians believe that the Bible
teaches that God has created men and
women equal in their essential dignity
and human personhood, but different and
complementary in function—with male
spiritual leadership in the home and the
church as a part of God’s design. This
means that men and women are both
image bearers of the living God. We are
each fully human in all that entails. We
are equals before the cross, brothers and
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sisters in our Lord Jesus Christ. But
God has made us different. He has given
certain functions and roles to men and
certain functions and roles to women
that are distinct.
By contrast, egalitarianism cannot
come to grips with the uniqueness of man
created distinctly as male and female. It
asserts that there is no legitimate difference of role and function between men
and women in the home and church, at
least not one that allows for unique male
leadership. Egalitarianism devalues God’s
creation design and redemptive calling
of women. It fails to do justice to the
distinctions that exist between men and
women. It wrongly equates role distinctions with inequality and claims distinctions result in discrimination.
I was speaking at a conference,
and a college woman’s question pierced
my heart: “How can I possibly think
biblically about womanhood when I am
constantly told to be true to myself, to
pursue my dreams, and to do what is
best for me?” I trembled as I answered,
“Become involved in the women’s ministry of your church. Ask godly women to
speak the truth of womanhood into your
life. This is God’s provision to equip you
to think biblically about your womanhood.” I trembled because I wondered if
the church she attended was equipping
women for the task.
A Biblical Strategy
J. Ligon Duncan writes, “We ought
to have an intentional, deliberate approach to female discipleship because
men and women are different, and these
differences need to be recognized, taken
into account and addressed in the course
of Christian discipleship.”5 Scripture
gives the strategy for this gender-specific
discipleship.
Older women likewise are
to be reverent in behavior,
much wine. They are to teach
what is good, and so train the
reviled (Titus 2:3–5).
In recent years I have observed a
troubling phenomenon. Many women
of my generation have relinquished
this high and holy calling of nurturing
younger women. A seeming contradiction to this is the emphasis on mentoring programs in women’s ministries. My
initial excitement about this flurry of
matching older and younger women was
dampened when I began asking questions
and usually there were no answers:
•What is the purpose of your
program?
•What is the content of your
program?
•How are mentors selected
and trained?
•To whom are mentors accountable?
If these questions are not addressed
we risk reducing the Titus mandate to
moralistic fluff. Mentoring may be form
without substance and little more than a
buddy system.
To disconnect Titus 2:3–5 from an
understanding of biblical discipleship will
reduce this amazing concept to anemic
relationships and legalistic behaviorism.
We must not take such a minimalist approach to such a magnificent mission.
This text is one part of Paul’s strategy for
43
the discipleship, or Christian education,
of a congregation. He challenges Titus,
and the church in all ages, to guard the
truth by equipping the people to show
and tell truth to the next generation. This
is not a new strategy. Throughout the
Old Testament God’s people were told
the same thing.
Give ear, O my people, to my
teaching; incline your ears to
the words of my mouth! I
will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings
from of old, things that we
have heard and known, that
our fathers have told us. We
will not hide them from their
children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious
deeds of the Lord, and his
might, and the wonders that
he has done. He established
a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which
he commanded our fathers to
teach to their children, that
the next generation might
know them, the children yet
unborn, and arise and tell
them to their children, so that
they should set their hope in
God and not forget the works
of God, but keep his commandments (Ps 78:1–7).
Jesus confirmed and enlarged this strategy
in his final commission to his church:
All authority in heaven and
on earth has been given to
me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of
the Father and of the Son and
of the Holy Spirit, teaching
44
them to observe all that I
have commanded you. And
behold, I am with you always,
to the end of the age (Matt
28:18–20).
Titus 2 shows how a local church is to
disciple God’s people. The chapter begins
and ends with an emphasis on teaching:
“You must teach what is in accord with
sound doctrine. . . . These, then, are the
things you should teach” (Titus 2:1, 15
NIV).
It is significant that the strategy
is given to the pastor. It begins with the
pulpit ministry, and then instructions are
given for the congregation. Embedded
in this amazing chapter is this specific
directive regarding women discipling
women: “Older women likewise are to
be reverent in behavior, not slanders or
slaves to much wine. They are to teach
what is good, and so train the young
women” (vv. 3–4). Women who disciple
women are to have a holy reverence for
God that is reflected in their character
and conduct. Godly women who have
embraced the truth of God’s creation
design and redemptive calling are called
to train other women to think and live
according to biblical principles of womanhood. Functioning under ecclesiastical authority, they are to take the sound
doctrine preached from the pulpit and
help women apply it into life. This is
the kind of life-on-life discipleship that
guides and nurtures to maturity. It is a
mothering ministry.
Titus 2 gives legitimacy and limitations to a women’s ministry. There is
an unmistakable mandate for women to
train women, but the extent of this training is somewhat limited. There are many
times and places in church life where
men and women study and serve side by
side, but a primary task of the women’s
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ministry is to train women in biblical
principles and practices of womanhood.
This does not mean that biblical womanhood is the only thing that women study,
but it does mean that there should be
a resolute commitment to weave these
principles throughout the entire women’s
ministry.
There are costly challenges in
Titus 2. Investing in the lives of others
costs energy and time. It means taking
relational risks. Why should we live so
sacrificially?
For the grace of God that
brings salvation has appeared
to all men. It teaches us to
say “No” to ungodliness and
worldly passions, and to live
self-controlled, upright and
godly lives in this present age,
while we wait for the blessed
hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and
Savior, Jesus Christ (Titus
2:11–13, NIV).
Christ came and he is coming back. He
appeared in grace as a babe and he will
come in glory as the King because he
loves us. Our love for Christ is unpredictable; his love for us is unchangeable. It is
gospel love that propels our obedience.
Paul concludes this chapter with
an electrifying reminder of our unity in
Christ: “[ Jesus] . . . gave himself for us
to redeem us from all wickedness and to
purify for himself a people that are his
very own, eager to do what is good” (v.
14). This is not individualistic language.
Some discipleship is age and gender
specific, but no discipleship is separate
from the whole. It all blends together
into a harmonious, interrelated system
of educating God’s people to obey all
that Jesus commanded. This is more
than good educational procedure; it is an
expression of our redemption in Christ.
We are his purified people. Covenant
consciousness will protect us from the
sin of being territorial about the portion
of a ministry entrusted to us. Covenant
consciousness will cause us to think about
the common good rather than individual
preference.
Biblical discipleship is not simply
imparting facts or inculcating personal
habits of Bible study, prayer, and evangelism, as helpful as those disciplines
are. It is transmitting a way of thinking
and living that unites all the parts into
the glorious whole of glorifying God.
It is passing on a legacy of biblical faith
and life to the next generation. It is the
impulse of our union with Christ. It is
part and parcel of the covenant way. It is
not optional. Women discipling women
is one part of the strategy to equip God’s
people to think biblically and live covenantally.
A Biblical Example
The gospel of Luke tells about an
unlikely combination of people who accompanied Jesus as he “went on through
cities and villages, proclaiming and bringing the good news of the kingdom of
God” (Luke 8:1):
And the twelve were with
him, and also some women
who had been healed of
evil spirits and infirmities:
Mary, called Magdalene,
from whom seven demons
had gone out, and Joanna,
the wife of Chuza, Herod’s
household manager, and Susanna, and many others, who
provided for them out of their
means (vv. 2–3).
45
This was not a homogenous group of
women. Their backgrounds were radically
different. Their commonality was God’s
grace in their lives. They were covenant
sisters. Apparently there was no tension
between the disciples and the women.
This is remarkable since the disciples
were called to the position of apostleship
and the women were the ones providing
for them out of their own means. This
beautiful example of complementarianism freed these women to be the helpers
they were created and redeemed to be.
And as they walked with Jesus, they grew
in grace and love.
This explains how some of these
same women could witness the horror of
the crucifixion and not be immobilized
by despair and grief. Early on Sunday
moring, these redeemed helpers gathered
to anoint his body. These women did not
go alone. They went together. They acted
covenantally.
When the Sabbath was past,
Mary Magdalene and Mary
the mother of James and Salome bought spices, so that
they might go and anoint
him. And very early on the
first day of the week, when
the sun had risen, they went
to the tomb. And they were
saying to one another, “Who
will roll away the stone for
us from the entrance of the
tomb?” And looking up, they
saw that the stone had been
rolled back—it was very large.
And entering the tomb, they
saw a young man sitting on
the right side, dressed in a
white robe, and they were
alarmed. And he said to them,
“Do not be alarmed. You seek
Jesus of Nazareth, who was
46
crucified. He has risen; he is
not here. See the place where
they laid him. But go, tell his
disciples and Peter that he is
going before you to Galilee.
There you will see him, just as
he told you (Mark 16:1–7).
Anointing the body was a sign of
affection. The women were not oblivious
to the obstacle in their way. They knew
there was a stone that was too big for
them to move, but they went anyway
because they loved Jesus. And because
they went, they experienced the reality
of his resurrection.
The essence of a women’s ministry
in the church should be women uniting
their hearts and hands to care for the body
of Christ because we love him. Serving
the body of Christ will always require
more strength and grace than we possess. There will always be obstacles that
are too big for us to remove. But when
we go anyway, because we love Jesus, we
will know the reality of our risen Savior
removing those obstacles and shining the
light of his countenance upon us. We will
know the joy of his grace enabling us to
minister beyond our own abilities. And
we will give the legacy of biblical womanhood to the next generation.
Adapted from The Legacy of Biblical Womanhood
and Women’s Ministry in the Local Church. Material
from The Legacy of Biblical Womanhood by Susan
Hunt and Barbara Thompson, copyright ©2003,
pp.197–199, edited by Susan Hunt. Material from
Women’s Ministry in the Local Church by J. Ligon
Duncan and Susan Hunt, copyright ©2006, pp. 31–35
and 93–94, edited by Susan Hunt. Used by permission
of Crossway Books, Wheaton, IL 60187. For more
information, visit www.crossway.com.
2
Resources to implement a covenantal and complementarian approach to women’s ministry: Biblical
Foundations for Womanhood: A series of books on
biblical womanhood, including Spiritual Mothering:
The Titus 2 Model for Women Mentoring Women
(Wheaton: Crossway, 1992); By Design: God’s
Distinctive Calling for Women (Wheaton: Crossway,
1
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1994); and The Legacy of Biblical Womanhood
(Wheaton: Crossway, 2003). Each book in the series
has a leader’s guide for group study. These materials
are designed to teach women biblical principles of
womanhood.
Women’s Ministry Training and Resource Guide:
This includes a leader’s guide for Women’s Ministry
in the Local Church and Leadership for Women in
the Church (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1991), as well
as strategies and resources for women’s ministry.
These materials are designed to develop/strengthen
a women’s ministry and to train leadership for that
ministry.
The books and study guides may be ordered from
the CE&P Bookstore at: 1-800-283-1357 or www.
cepbookstore.com. For information on women’s
ministry, visit www.pcanet.org/cep/wic. For information on a Titus 2 Discipleship ministry, visit
www.MidwayPCA.org (go to ministries).
3
4
See note 2.
5
Duncan, Women’s Ministry in the Local Church,
40.
47
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 48-55
Motherhood
Matters
Mary K. Mohler
Homemaker;
Director, Seminary Wives Institute;
President’s Wife,
The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary
Louisville, Kentucky
I truly cannot remember a time
when I didn’t dream of becoming a
mother. When I finally achieved that goal
at the age of 27, I was not disappointed in
the least. In fact, I believe that looking for
the first time into the eyes of your baby,
whom you know through birth or adoption, is one of the greatest experiences a
woman can have on earth.
Let’s remember that motherhood is
God’s idea. Only eighty verses into the
Bible do we read that Eve said, “With the
help of the Lord, I have brought forth
a man” (Gen. 4:1). Think about what it
must have been like for Eve. She could
not consult the ever-popular volume
What To Expect When You’re Expecting.
She had no mother or mother-in-law
to consult. Ponder that! No one could
tell her horror stories about labor. She
only had Adam to confirm that she was
getting quite pudgy around the middle.
Finally, she gave birth to the first baby.
What a moment that must have been!
Elsewhere in Scripture, we read fascinating tales of motherhood. In Genesis
48
21, Sarah dealt with the fact that there
were Fertile Myrtles in seemingly every
tent, but she remained barren. Even her
husband’s mistress, Hagar, bore a son, but
Sarah kept on waiting. God rewarded her
patience with the birth of Isaac when she
was ninety years old.
Think about Hannah. Her heart
ached with the passion to be a mom. She
promised the Lord that she would give
her child to God. He provided Samuel,
and Hannah kept her promise. How
hard must it have been to send him off
as a toddler. First Samuel records that
Hannah “made a little robe” for Samuel.
He soon grew up to be a significant
leader who anointed two kings while
God blessed Hannah with many other
children.
The amazing accounts of the pregnancies of Elizabeth and Mary in the
New Testament stir the hearts of every
believer but especially of women who
have known the joy of motherhood.
Yes, motherhood is God’s idea. No
improvement is needed. He purpose-
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fully created women to carry, give birth
to, nurse, nurture, teach, and tenderly
love our children in a way unique to our
gender. Women tend to think with their
hearts first and then with their heads, unlike men. Many an advertiser has picked
up on the concept that women looking
into a crib have warm, fuzzy feelings.
Men look in the crib and start wondering
how there will ever be enough money to
send Junior to college!
Motherhood is an incredible calling and has been called the most honored,
cherished, important job there is. The notion that motherhood is the preeminent
force for change in the world is captured
in the oft quoted William Ross poem with
the line, “The hand that rocks the cradle
is the hand that rules the world.”
Given these facts, why in 2006
is the importance of motherhood often
downplayed, minimized, and even belittled? More seriously, we find ourselves
in an era when we must argue against
same-sex marriage. What about the
national shame of abortion? Have we
allowed ourselves to get used to that?
Amy Richards is quoted in The New
York Times Magazine last year as stating categorically that she did not want
to give up her New York lifestyle just
because she happened to be pregnant
with twins.1 She feared she would never
leave her house because she would be
so tied up caring for the children. She
even admitted how distasteful it was for
her to picture herself needing to shop in
warehouse clubs for big tubs of mayonnaise. So, she felt justified in “selectively
reducing” her pregnancy. The truth is,
she chose to legally murder one of the
babies. If that true story does not sicken
us, what does? God’s utter graciousness
is seen in that he allowed Amy to be the
mother of the remaining twin.
With this state of affairs in 2006,
it is necessary for us to remind ourselves
about the value and virtues of motherhood. Somewhere along the way, society
lost the respect it once had for mothers.
I am certain that our grandmothers and
great-grandmothers didn’t face this problem. Too many moms today feel unappreciated by society as a whole. Perhaps it
is due to the fact that moms don’t receive
a report card or job evaluation sheet.
Perhaps others cave to the pressure to
believe that performing the “menial” tasks
associated with motherhood is nothing
more than what a daycare worker can do
and makes no significant contribution to
our world.
Thankfully, most moms don’t allow themselves to think that way for
long. They save the precious handmade
Mother’s Day cards. They savor the sweet,
sticky kisses. They remember forever
how their children’s sparkling eyes light
up when they spot mom at the door of
the church nursery, knowing that no
one else will suffice. At the end of the
day, motherhood matters because we are
charged with the awesome task to train
the next generation and, together with
their fathers, arm them to be warriors for
Christ. It is a daunting task that requires
a great deal of energy, wisdom, and time.
Sally Clarkson, in her book The Mission
of Motherhood, says this, “It’s hard to accomplish with a divided heart, meaning
we are focusing on so many things in life
and motherhood is just one of those.”
Lest you fear that I am about to
beat up on mothers who work outside
the home, let me be clear in stating that
there is no biblical mandate that requires
women to be at home full-time. We
know Leah, Dorcas, and Priscilla were
employed in some form. It’s a personal
decision and should not be made in haste.
However, I am personally thankful every
day for my husband who, like me, was
49
raised by a stay-at-home mom and saw
the intrinsic value in that decision. He
would take whatever steps were necessary
for me to be at home. We discussed this
thoroughly before we were even engaged
to be married. Too many couples wait
until they are expecting and in debt to
deal with this issue. I know moms who
cry all the way to work because they
didn’t decide on this issue before they
said “I do.”
I was glad to contribute to our
income for the six years of our marriage
prior to when we had children. But as my
husband says publicly, he simply could not
do the job he does if I were not at home
doing the job I do as the home manager
and mother. Therefore, the money he
earns has always been our money, and
there are no issues there. I could have
remained “gainfully employed,” and we
would have had options open to most
families. We firmly believe that the finest daycare, the sharpest nanny, or even
my mom or his mom would not pass our
qualifications for one reason: they are not
me. Do we have an inflated opinion here?
No, not at all. We believe there is no one
on this earth who can love, nurture, and
care for our children like I can. God made
me the mother of Katie and Christopher.
No one else has that distinction.
This used to be the norm but not
anymore. I am quickly becoming a freak
of nature. Some of you are freaks like me!
Did you know that less than 25 percent
of married households have the husband
as the sole financial provider? That’s just
one out of four. June Cleaver and Carol
Brady stereotypes are now oddities.
I understand that economics play
a large role. Some simply cannot stay
above poverty level in part due to the
debt they have accrued along the way,
unless there are two incomes. Others
are student wives whose husbands will
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be in school for a decade if there is not
supplemental income. Others will readily
admit that they want their kids to have
the best of everything so they conclude
that the additional income outweighs
the benefit of having mom at home.
Still others want the self-esteem boost
that “finished projects” and accolades at
work provide. The saddest cases, aside
from single moms who must work, are
when broken-hearted moms are given
no choice. Their husbands refuse to get a
second job or tighten the budget so mom
can stay home.
Perhaps you have heard a radio advertisement on Christian radio that I hear
much too often. The announcer says, “I
have so much respect for working moms.
They are the backbone of America.”
What in the world does that say about
stay-at-home moms? Are we some kind
of drag on the economy? When we hear
even Christian companies espouse this
mentality, it serves to either fire up or
discourage stay-at-home moms. Some
buy into it and start wondering if they
are “wasting their God given abilities.” It
seems that “doing it all” is applauded and
draws “oohs” and “aahs” from a group. To
state otherwise seems so meaningless to
some. They are afraid or even ashamed to
state what they do and instead mumble
under their breath, “I’m just a mom.”
Let me try to summarize:
•If an employed mom’s first
thought in the morning and
last thought at night is how
best to climb the corporate
ladder and make partner;
•if she had kids because they
are cute, because everyone
else had some, because she
wants someone to visit her in
the nursing home;
•if the books next to her bed
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are titles like Mother Infant
Bonding: A Scientific Fiction and Mothers Who Work:
Loving Ourselves without
Sacrificing Ourselves;
•if she struggles to think
of the name of her child’s
teacher;
•and if she calls herself a
Christian,
then I challenge her to get alone with
God and honestly search Scripture because her picture of motherhood is radically different than what my Bible says.
But if an employed mother,
•is employed part-time in a
vocation she loves;
•if she works a couple of
shifts as a nurse or teacher,
for example, while her children are in school, but motherhood takes priority and the
kids know that her heart is at
home;
•if she leaves work at the office and realizes that she will
be available to work full-time
again all too soon;
•if she doesn’t give her family her leftovers but protects
time at home;
then she should continually pray with
her husband to be sure that this is God’s
plan so that there are no regrets later, and
she should strive to be the best mom she
can be!
It is clear that women are finding
that they can do it all. They just can’t
do it all at the same time. Karen Hughes
entered the venerable oval office one
day and told the president, “I have to go
home.” She didn’t mean that she needed
the rest of the day off. She meant she
needed to go home and stay there for a
season. What a bold but wise move for
the sake of her son.
If you are an employed mom and
don’t want to be, hang in there and pray
hard. Make sure you don’t make your
kids miserable, but tell them how you
treasure every moment with them. Realize that this condition will hopefully be
temporary. I challenge you to see what
God is teaching you through this that you
might not otherwise learn.
If you are a stay-at-home mom—
live up to the title and don’t make it an
oxymoron! If you find yourself in the car,
at a meeting, at a practice, at a game, at a
lesson, at a performance, or at a church
event so often that you seem rarely to
be at home, there is a problem. Families
thrive on routine, structure, and schedule.
Family meals should not be an event and
should not be centered around the drive
through at the local restaurant. Just because you are not employed, don’t fall
into the pit of being so busy doing good
things that you miss God’s best things
about being at home. This makes for a
divided heart too. Set limits—and stick
to them. Time magazine ran an amazing
cover story in March of 2004. It sends a
powerful message with the simple photo
of a little guy holding on to his mom’s
hand and looking up to her pleadingly.
We don’t see her face, but she is heading
to work. The title is “The Case for Staying Home.”2 Some of us stay-at-home
moms need to take this photo to heart
too if we are constantly dragging our kids
from one event to another.
Be proud to be home with your
kids. Don’t be one who has a pity party
and whines about boredom, not having
friends or meaningful conversation. If
those things are true, it’s your fault. I
would personally like to be bored for just
one day to see what it feels like. Do you
51
know stay-at-home moms who are lazy,
disorganized, and don’t even get dressed
until 2:00 p.m.? They have a great job
that many would give their eyeteeth to
have. They should do it with gusto! Many
do just that and are so happy and fulfilled.
God is honored in that.
It is also important to remind you
of this: don’t let anyone make you feel
guilty for doing a full-time job full-time.
Husbands should help kids understand
that mommy’s job is at home. They
should be proud, never embarrassed, to
be in the vast minority of kids who say,
“My mom is a mom who stays at home
with us,” even though 75 percent of
America’s households cannot say that.
Motherhood is all about balance.
These are complicated issues. No matter
where you come down here, we all want
to be, by God’s grace, the best mom we
can be. I don’t know any mother who says,
“I want to be a mediocre mom.” How do
we really strive for excellence? There are
no surprises here, but I have several suggestions as I have reflected on this.
First, be a lover of God’s word.
This is not something to add to your to
do list and hopefully check it off after a
two-minute drill. It is also not quantified
such that only an hour will suffice. It is all
about consistency and openness to hearing God’s instructions on a daily basis.
Simply put, we won’t be the mothers he
intends if we are not serious students of
his word. I heard about four ministers
who were discussing the pros and cons
of various Bible translations. One of the
three was not saying much. Finally, one
of the others asked him which one he
preferred. He said, “My mother’s translation.” They asked which one she used.
He explained, “She lived out Scripture
every single day and it was the clearest
translation I have ever seen.” How awesome would it be if our children could
52
say that about us?
Second, we must be women of
prayer. As Fern Nichols, founder of
Moms in Touch International so aptly
says, “If mothers aren’t praying for their
children, who is?” No one knows them
quite like we do as we spend so much
time with them each day. We must commit to pray specifically for their needs.
Too many moms just pray in a panic, “O
Lord, help him to behave!” We should
instead be taking concerns, requests, and
praises about our kids before the throne
each day.
Third, we must remember that we
are called to be godly wives first. It’s easy
to discuss the ins and outs of motherhood, but we can’t overemphasize the
importance of putting marriage above
motherhood. Many times, children get
the best of our time and attention in
part because infants are so demanding
and are anything but self-sufficient. Keep
in mind that husbands are cute, cuddly,
and needy in a completely different way!
We must be aware that motherhood is
an essential component of parenthood.
It is not a solo job by God’s design. The
father’s role is vital. Celebrate the differences between you. Many moms get
frustrated when daddy walks in and
the kids switch into their “Oh boy, here
comes Mr. Fun mode.” God has wired
dads to relate differently to children then
we do. Different does not mean superior
or inferior! Parents must work together
as a team and strive to present a united
front. Kids should know from an early
age that mom and dad love each other
deeply. The security they gain from that
knowledge is incalculable.
Fourth, we should be students of
motherhood. I am not suggesting that we
seek to earn a B.A. in Mothering Skills.
However, many of us have degrees in
things we don’t use regularly, but we have
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shelves full of books and aids for those
areas. We need training in the trenches
about issues facing us today as moms.
Many expectant moms load up on all
the latest prenatal books but once the
baby is born, they quit reading. There are
many wonderful resources out there for
moms, by moms, who seek to be Titus
2 women to them. I challenge moms to
make the time to read about their chosen
profession. Some titles deal with specific
problems, while others are generally encouraging and challenging. Stick with
trusted authors and publishers and the
recommendations of those you trust.
Fifth, make every day count! Take
advantage of those teachable moments
that sometimes take you by surprise. As
Scripture teaches, the time is fleeting.
If you have three children in diapers
right now, the time may seem to be anything but fleeting. However, although it
seemed like such a long wait for me to
become a mother, I suddenly have just
one more year before my oldest will
go to college. I have so much more to
teach her. No matter what your schooling choice is, your job as parents is to
teach God’s word from an early age. In
addition, we must be deliberate about
teaching neglected issues like manners
and modesty—and doctrine! There are
several excellent books available that
assist parents in teaching the basics of
Christian doctrine.
Children have an amazing ability
to memorize. They can often run circles
around adults in how quickly they can
learn and recall memorized words. We
taught our children a version of the
Westminster Catechism. Its words are
so carefully packed and full of meaning.
One week in high school youth group,
the question was asked, “What is sin?”
Katie, my daughter, said nothing at first
but soon the group nudged the theolo-
gian’s daughter to give a good answer.
Reluctantly, she replied, “Well, sin is any
thought, word, or deed that breaks God’s
law by omission or commission.” The
youth group liked that response and may
have assumed that theology and doctrine
just seep by osmosis into one’s brain
when raised by a theologian. The truth
is, she diligently learned and retained the
catechism. What’s vital here is that when
a situation arises when there could be a
gray area of judgment, this definition is
fixed in her memory. We know that the
world is increasing hostile to the gospel.
If our children are not grounded in Scripture and what it means, they will be like
reeds twisting in the wind.
Sixth, pace yourself! We certainly
all have days when we feel completely
overwhelmed and inadequate. To others, we may look like we have everything
under control, but in reality, we feel like
a failure and wonder if we are doing our
job as we should. We must first assess a
few things. Have I neglected time with
the Lord? How much sleep have I had
lately? Could hormonal changes be responsible here? If that doesn’t provide an
answer, we should ask ourselves, “How
did I get to the place where I feel this
way, and can I avoid being here again?”
It is amazing how even one hour alone
with no interruptions or responsibilities
can sometimes help us regain perspective.
Next, help those who are drowning. You
may be in a groove right now and seem
to be humming right along. Chances
are, your neighbor is not. Be sensitive.
Be the one to offer her an hour or two
to let her regroup. Remember that you
don’t have to have gray hair to be a Titus
2 woman!
Lastly, resist the temptation to
compare your personal motherhood philosophy with others, either in a superior
or inferior way. It is irresponsible when
53
moms criticize those who chose to have
one or two children when they could have
“easily” had six or eight. Celebrate the
fact that they obeyed God’s command
to be fruitful and multiply. It is equally
irresponsible to lament the fact that the
Smiths are expecting again when they
already have seven children. Unless the
children they have are running around in
the yard naked, it is really no one’s business to judge how full—or empty—another family’s quiver might be.
There seems to be dissention among
Christian families regarding schooling
choices. There are those who argue, based
on Deut 6:7, that homeschooling is the
only option. Some families exercise this
option and do so in an excellent way that
produces sharp, well-rounded children
who cut out much of the busy work
found in school. Others, who have been
browbeaten into believing that homeschooling is the only way, are moms who
not prepared to be teachers. They didn’t
understand algebra when they took it
themselves and are in no position to teach
it now! Further, the home manager aspect
of motherhood is cast aside as teaching
can be all consuming, especially when
teaching several kids. Preschool children
are left in front of the DVD player and
although they are in the home, don’t get
the attention that their older siblings
did.
Pricey private schools may provide
great opportunities for academics and
athletics but realize that some kids are
starved to just spend time with parents.
These kids may be bored or have special
needs and would benefit from homeschooling but the parents have such a
negative stereotype of that method that
they refuse to try it. Still others opt for
public schools in areas where they have
not become completely corrupted in
hopes of providing salt and light.
54
In any case, these are very personal
choices that must be weighed carefully
and reevaluated regularly. Instead of having the notion that one’s chosen method
is best, we should all be on our knees to
be sure that we are being obedient to
what God would have us do in regard to
education.
While avoiding feelings of superiority, we should be careful not to feel
inferior. This sometimes happens when
you don’t expect it, like in the grocery
store. You run into a friend who is there
with all of her kids. The mom is six weeks
postpartum but looks like a model. The
children are dressed in coordinating
outfits and politely speak to you without
interrupting. You were hoping not to run
into anyone looking like you do, and you
swore off taking your kids to the grocery
store long ago. You walk away thinking,
“Wow! She sure has it good. I wish my
kids were that easy. They probably wish
they had a pretty mom who doesn’t yell
all the time too.” Realize that those wellbehaved kids you just saw came out as
selfish little sinners just like your kids
did! What you see is the product of much
hard work and biblically, consistently applied discipline.
Scripture teaches us that “foolishness is bound in the heart of a child”
(Prov 22:15) and it is our job to “train
up a child in the way in which he should
go” (Prov 22:6). Some children seem to
be more compliant, while some are more
strong willed—but don’t compare! You
have exactly the children God intends for
you to have. They have exactly the mother
he intends them to have. Hospitals rarely
mix up babies, but God never does. That
fact should bless you!
What about abusive or neglectful
mothers? Sin is in the world, but God
has a plan. Many times, that involves
placing those children in the welcome
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arms of adoptive parents. I smile every
time I see adoptive families that we have
been privileged to know. God knows the
heart’s desire of women who long to be
moms. In his perfect timing, he often
unites them with children who have been
abandoned or need to be removed from
birth mothers. Those adoptive moms are
every bit as much the mother to their
children as I am to mine. They become
a loving, nurturing family. It is a beautiful picture of God’s adoption of us, his
children.
Don’t let the mundane get you
down. Right now in your home, there
may be dishes piling up, pesky socks that
don’t match, a potty training set back,
lunches to pack, and a long list of things
to do. We start thinking that our job as
mothers is little more than one menial job
after another. Don’t forget that today has
also been full of monumental opportunities. Did you take advantage of them?
We face moral issues today as adults
that our parents and grandparents did
not face nor dream of facing. What will
our kids be forced to deal with when
they grow up? How will they possibly
be ready to know how to respond? They
will respond by building today upon what
they learned yesterday. We have absolute
truth found in God’s word alone and as
we impart that day by day, little by little,
we are being used by God to equip the
next generation. Isn’t that awesome?
Does that excite you? It should.
Motherhood matters because it’s
God’s idea; because he wants us to train
the leaders of tomorrow; and because he
has lots to teach us as moms as we allow
him to teach our children with excellence.
When you hit the pillow tonight, take
great joy in knowing that you can work
on matching those socks eventually and
finishing the project you started months
ago. More importantly, God allowed you
to impact your children today as only
you can, and tomorrow is another fresh
opportunity to be an even better mom to
the glory of God alone. May God raise
up an army of believers who will change
tomorrow’s world. May our children be
leaders in that army.
See Amy Richards (as told to Amy Barrett), “When
One is Enough” The New York Times Magazine,
18 July 2004, n.p. [accessed online 25 July 2006].
Online: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.
html?sec=health&res=9B07EED6113BF93BA257
54C0A9629C8B63.
2
Claudia Wallis, “The Case for Staying Home,” Time,
22 March 2004, 51-59.
1
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JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 69-75
When You Don’t Have a
Better Half:
Encouraging Biblical Roles
as a Single Woman
Carolyn McCulley
Author, Speaker;
Church and Ministry Relations, Sovereign Grace Ministries
Gaithersburg, Maryland
As a college-age feminist, I was
taught that men were the problem. The
perils of patriarchy were the reason for
all the conflict and unresolved desires
between men and women. Many of the
students in the women’s studies department of my university effectively solved
this problem by circumventing men in
every possible way, the final step being
to embrace lesbianism.
But I had a problem with that, you
see. I liked men. And I found it very hard
to be a boy-crazy feminist in a “womyn’s”
world.
As a result, I skirted the edges of
political activism and instead embraced
a watered-down “you go, girl!” form
of feminism displayed on the pages of
women’s magazines everywhere. Though
I liked men, I believed the premise
that there was not anything different
between us, except for the obvious. We
were, therefore, to embrace a cultural
androgyny, albeit one equipped with different restrooms.
Then one day I heard the gospel
and God turned my world upside down,
shaking out all my prior beliefs like so
much loose change from my pockets.
Nearly a decade out of college, I found
myself in church, with a Bible of my
own. I was a regenerated Christian in the
midst of culture shock.
In God’s timing (which I believe
includes his divine sense of humor), I
started attending a church just as it began
an in-depth study of the book of Ephesians. The encouraging words found there
about laying aside the old self, building
up the body of Christ, and walking in a
manner worthy of the gospel came to a
shrieking halt by verses 22–24 of chapter
5: “Wives, submit to your own husbands,
as to the Lord. For the husband is the
head of the wife even as Christ is the head
of the church, his body, and is himself
its Savior. Now as the church submits
to Christ, so also wives should submit in
everything to their husbands.”1
Right. Surely these people didn’t
think those verses applied to today?!
Shock of shocks, they did. But they
69
didn’t stop there. They also believed verses
25–33 are applicable for today and they
held men to this standard:
Husbands, love your wives, as
Christ loved the church and
gave himself up for her, that
he might sanctify her, having
cleansed her by the washing
of water with the word, so
that he might present the
church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle
or any such thing, that she
might be holy and without
blemish. In the same way
husbands should love their
wives as their own bodies. He
who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as Christ
does the church, because
we are members of his body.
“Therefore a man shall leave
his father and mother and
hold fast to his wife, and the
two shall become one flesh.”
This mystery is profound, and
I am saying that it refers to
Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love
his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her
husband.
Now, given these parameters, submitting to one’s loving husband didn’t
seem like such a bad deal after all. As
I watched these doctrines lived out in
the marriages before me, I came to understand the depth of God’s wisdom in
addressing his children’s sin tendencies. I
was used to being a contentious, controlling woman. After all, “uppity women
unite” was a feminist theme. Master-
70
ing myself and my sinful tendencies in
order to respect a husband was a new
challenge for me. But I was eager to do
it if I could attract a man like those in
my church—men who took responsibility for their children’s misbehavior, who
scheduled date nights with their wives
(romance after marriage!), who worshiped the Lord unabashedly, who took
responsibility for meetings and agendas
and didn’t sink into a pool of passivity.
Sign me up! I was ready to try this biblical
womanhood thing.
A Noun, Not An Adjective
So I waited. Months slipped into
years, but no husband came calling. Over
time, I began to identify more with an
adjective than a noun. I was a single
woman. Singleness dominated my perspective. In fact, I just became a single. As
in, “So what’s going on with the singles
these days?” Or, “Let’s invite some of the
singles over for dinner!” Or, “The singles
are going on a retreat next weekend.”
Thus, the church became a collection of
husbands, wives, and singles—the gender-neutral third wheels that messed up
the seating arrangements wherever we
went.
In the Lord’s rich mercy, this
perspective was radically altered when I
was asked to work on a project mining
the gracious truths of biblical femininity.
As I studied, I realized that Scripture’s
emphasis was on being made a woman
in the image of God. My marital status
informed how that would be applied,
but I was to be more preoccupied with
my femininity than my singleness. The
lingering whiffs of feminism’s androgyny
were thereby extinguished. I was not a female form outlined in dotted lines, waiting for one man to fill me in and therefore
complete my femininity. I was feminine
because that’s how my God made me,
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and there was something of his image
that I was to reflect as a woman—even
a single woman.
My guide was the Proverbs 31
woman. As a Hebrew acrostic taught by
a wise mother to a young son, this was
a picture of what an excellent, noble,
virtuous woman looked like. This mother
wanted her son to memorize these virtues so that when it came time for him
to marry, he would find a single woman
who had already been cultivating these
qualities and who, therefore, would make
an excellent wife. In the Proverbs 31
portrait, I found a well-rounded woman
whose virtues could be applied to every
season of life—a savvy businesswoman,
a gracious hostess, a gourmet cook, a
woman of wise words, a hard worker, a
trusted wife, an encouraging mother.
But here’s the catch. The Proverbs
31 woman was praised for focusing all
her formidable virtues for the benefit of
her intimate relationships—her husband,
children, and household. Without those
defining relationships, my attempts at
expressing femininity were more scattershot. I’m not called by Scripture to
submit to all men, just my non-existent
husband. But along with all believers, I
am also called to submit to and obey my
parents (Eph 6:1–3). And my pastor (1
Peter 5:5). And my boss (Eph 6:5–8; 1
Pet 2:18). And my governing authorities (Rom 13:1; 1 Pet 2:13–17). I’m also
called to intimacy within the body of
Christ (Heb 10:24–25), where my femininity is supposed to make a contribution
to God’s purposes (Titus 2:1–14). But
in a broader sense, the fact that I am a
woman should flavor all my interactions.
What that looks like requires Scriptureinfused wisdom.
This is what we will explore in the
rest of this article: how single women
can cultivate femininity in non-roman-
tic relationships, while encouraging the
men around us in their application of
masculinity. While there is plenty of great
material already written about biblical
manhood and womanhood as it applies
to marriage or leadership in the church,
there is precious little for single adults
who exist in the margins. My prayer is
that I can make a small contribution
for the benefit of my single sisters in
Christ.
Be a Help
Because I became a believing Christian as an adult, there were many phrases,
habits, and activities of other Christians
that initially puzzled or amused me. For
example, I had never heard of a wife
referred to as a “helpmate.” It sounded
like a line of camping gear or some kind
of storage gadget for your car. But this
phrase came from a Scripture reference.
Genesis 2:18 reads, “Then the Lord God
said, ‘It is not good that the man should
be alone; I will make him a helper fit for
him.’” The footnote for “fit” in the ESV
says this Hebrew concept could also be
translated as “corresponding to.”
The Bible makes it clear in numerous passages that as Christians we are
all here to serve. But there is a specific
application found in Scripture for a wife
to be a helper to her husband. Even
before that gracious gift of a husband
is provided, there are ways for the faint
echoes of “helpmate” to be discernible in
the lives of single women.
One opportunity is on the job.
Whether with subordinates or superiors, we can emulate our Savior by being
oriented to helping others—but this is
especially important for our immediate
bosses. When a friend of mine, Caryn,
started a new job as an administrative
assistant to several busy pastors, she was
silently instructed in this as she watched
71
her veteran colleague, Melody:
“I saw that when Melody enters one of the pastors’ offices,
her first question is about
what she can do for them,”
Caryn said. “But my default
was to walk in to my boss
with my agenda and all the
things I need him to decide
so that I can tackle my To Do
List. I was not first concerned
with how to help him, but
how to feel better about my
own productivity.”
This helper concept can extend
to friendships, as well. We can express
our femininity by encouraging single
men to lead activities, while offering
to assist them. I had a friend, now long
married, who excelled at this as a single
woman. She was quite good at organizing activities and opening her home for
hospitalities, but she saw the long-range
implications for allowing her social circle
to default to her abilities. So when one of
her male friends would call and inquire
what the group’s plan was for the weekend, she would sweetly inquire, “I don’t
know. What are you planning?” Then she
would offer to assist him in anything he
was willing to lead. Her encouragement
of male leadership was invaluable to
these single men and they were vocally
appreciative of it. By not filling the gap
in her own strength, she encouraged their
leadership and cultivated her role as a
counselor and helper. While there’s nothing wrong with occasionally taking the
initiative to plan events and host parties,
we are wiser single women if we take the
long-term perspective about what we are
sowing in our friendships.
The Importance of a Question
One of the best ways to serve men
in any of our relationships—romantic,
platonic, or professional—is to ask questions. I don’t mean statements that have
perfunctory question marks at the end.
I mean real inquiries for information or
requests to consider another idea. This
is not something that comes naturally
for me. I have to work very, very hard at
killing the pride that motivates me to
make pronouncements rather than to
ask questions as a helper. But the reason
questions are so important is that they
position us to serve and counsel to men,
and therefore leave room for them to
make decisions and lead.
Here are some questions that have
been helpful for me to ask in various
situations:
•In learning how to assist
your boss: “I have been asked
by another manager to take
on this certain task. Before
accepting, do you prefer that
I run these outside requests
by you or not?”
•When you disagree with
a male colleague in a meeting: “I can understand why
you would be drawn to this
conclusion. But what would
you think if we tried X as a
solution, instead?”
•When you have a potential
correction for a friend: “I may
have observed something
that could provide a helpful
perspective for you. Would
you want to talk about it? If
so, could I first ask a few more
questions to make sure I have
put this in the right context?”
One of my f riends coined the
72
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phrase, “presumptive followership.” By
this, he means the proactive approach
women can take to encourage men to
lead. For example, when a woman hosts
friends at her home, she could ask one of
the men to take responsibility for leading the group’s conversation or time of
prayer. Or if a woman knows of someone in need, she could quietly ask one
of the men if he might lead an effort to
meet that need, and offer her assistance
to him. It shouldn’t be done in a bossy
manner, but in a way that assumes the
best of the men and graciously sets a
high standard and expectation for their
behavior. When done with appreciation
and true support, women can set the bar
very high and men generally will gladly
endeavor to meet it.
I hesitate to give too many more
examples because I don’t want to appear to dictate practice over principles.
It’s not so much how you do something
as your aim in doing so and the motive
behind it. I certainly wouldn’t want to
leave any woman with the impression
that all conversation has to be indirect
and punctuated by question marks! In
whatever relationship we have with them,
men benefit from our insight, experience, and counsel. They enjoy our direct
conversation, humor, and analysis. But
when it’s time to make a decision, lead
a group, or form a plan, the “presumptive followership” that we single women
exercise will encourage the men around
us in their current and/or future calling
to lead a family or a church.
The Learning Curve for Leadership
All that being said, we need to
remember that there is a learning curve
for leadership, just as there is one for
“followership.” Recently I was talking
with a mother of only sons, and she remarked that it’s not easy for young men
to initiate relationships and to lead well in
them. There is a learning curve for leadership—and it requires grace and faith
from young women as these young men
grow. Her husband spends lots of time
talking to his sons about how to be clear
and effective leaders when both are still
single and relate to lots of women in general, but no one woman in particular.
“They want to lead well, but they
are scared because they feel the women
want fully-developed leadership when
they’ve never done it before,” this mother
commented. “To grow in this area, it takes
humility. A guy has to learn to laugh at
himself.”
First Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise,
husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the
woman as the weaker vessel, since they
are heirs with you of the grace of life, so
that your prayers may not be hindered.”
This must mean it is not easy for men
to understand us and to live in such as a
way as to demonstrate that understanding—or else there would be no need for
husbands to be commanded to do this.
“Likewise” is such an important
little word in this passage. You have to
go back a few verses to see what Peter
is talking about. In chapter 2, verse 11,
he writes,
Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain
f rom the passions of the
flesh, which wage war against
your soul. Keep your conduct
among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak
against you as evildoers, they
may see your good deeds and
glorify God on the day of
visitation.
Then he goes on to write what this
73
honorable conduct looks like in various
situations, from servants to wives to husbands. After issuing these commands, he
sums it up in this way in chapter 3, verse
8, “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind,
sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart,
and a humble mind. Do not repay evil
for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the
contrary, bless, for to this you were called,
that you may obtain a blessing.”
Scripture calls men to live in an
understanding (i.e., considerate, respectful) way with their wives. Scripture calls
women to respect, honor, and submit to
their husbands with joy. These are particular expressions of the virtues listed
above for all Christians: unity of mind,
sympathy, brotherly love, tender hearts,
humble minds. So what does that mean
for single adults? Well, I think we need to
remember we’re all works-in-progress. A
single man of twenty-three does not have
the experience or capacity that a father
and married man of fifty-three has, and
it is unfair to compare them. In those
thirty years came many relationships
and responsibilities that have shaped the
older man. Experience typically confers
seasoning.
Thanks to this mother of sons, I am
now more aware of how these virtues that
Peter lists are sorely needed in us women
as the men around us grow in initiating,
leading, and communicating direction.
And nowhere is this more necessary than
when a man initiates a dating/courting
relationship with us and we’re not excited
about his offer. While women must trust
God by waiting to be pursued, men must
trust God by risking rejection in initiating
pursuit. Knowing that, we should want
to make this process as encouraging as
possible for our brothers in Christ. I’m
not suggesting that this means a woman
must accept every initiative. But we should
care enough for these men to put away
74
self-righteousness, arrogance, and selfishness in these interactions and instead put
on humility and encouragement in our
response to them.
Whenever a man initiates friendship or more with us, and that’s not
our preference, we need to treat him
graciously as a brother. If he’s trying to
be a friend, we shouldn’t snub him. If
he’s initiating something more and we
aren’t in faith for it or can’t return the
affection, we should exhibit humility by
taking the time to consider and pray over
his request, get counsel from others (just
in case we don’t see things clearly), and
decline him kindly. We should not look
down on any man, but thank him for
demonstrating trust in God by risking
such a request. We should build him up
and make it easy for him to step out once
again, even if we are not giving him the
answer he wants.
Let me be pragmatic here for a moment. You may not have any attraction to
a particular man when he initiates a relationship with you—but it’s highly likely
that one day he will connect with the
woman who is to be his wife. Wouldn’t
you want to be the kind of gracious
woman who makes it easier for him to try
again with someone else? And wouldn’t
you want that from the last woman your
future husband pursues? (Don’t lose
me here in all the hypotheticals.) More
importantly than this, don’t we all want
to be the kind of women who please our
Father because we are imitating his Son?
Philippians 2:4–6 tells us,
Do nothing f rom rivalry
or conceit, but in humility
count others more significant
than yourselves. Let each
of you look not only to his
own interests, but also to
the interests of others. Have
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this mind among yourselves,
which is yours in Christ Jesus,
who, though he was in the
form of God, did not count
equality with God a thing to
be grasped, but made himself
nothing, taking the form of
a servant, being born in the
likeness of men.
The NIV says it this way, “your attitude
should be the same as that of Christ
Jesus.”
When any man takes any initiative
toward us, I would suggest we consider
it an evidence of God’s grace before we
view it any other way. In humility, we
should think about how difficult it is for
a man to risk rejection. We should care
more for his interests in this situation
than our own possible awkwardness,
discomfort, or even disappointment.
Humility dictates that we should be
honored, not displeased, when any man
expresses interest. Again, that doesn’t
mean we need to accept. But we should
not be angry nor belittle him for having
made the effort. Let us be marked by a
spirit of sisterly graciousness that wants
to cheer on our brothers as they exercise
their trust in God to fulfill the Prov 18:22
goal to find a good thing—a wife.
often described in terms of marriage. In
a generation greatly affected by the influence of feminism, we see the fallout in
the high number of single adults in our
churches. How the church can counter
that fruitless influence is another verbose
discussion of its own.
For now, for the benefit of my
single sisters in Christ who must live with
this hope deferred, I pray this overview
provides reassurance that femininity is
defined by our creator and so there are
numerous ways we can exhibit that right
now for his glory, even without the proverbial “better half.”
1
True Liberation
My feminist teachers once taught
me that men were the problem. But the
Bible taught me that sin is the real problem—and the only true liberation for
women, as for men, comes through the
cross of Christ. Therefore, as redeemed
creatures made male and female in God’s
image, we have been assigned roles in
manifesting his glory to a lost world.
Because the Bible assumes marriage is
the norm for most adults, these assignments for men and women are most
75
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 76-79
Future Homemakers1
Nicole Whitacre
Homemaker, Author
Fairfax, Virginia
As a young woman, I often lay in
bed at night and wondered about my
future. I stared hard into the darkness,
as if God had put the answers there. I
had a longing to do great things for God.
I imagined myself as a missionary in
another country, maybe even a nurse. (I
assumed my tendency to faint at the sight
of blood would not be a problem.) I had
visions of speaking to crowds of women,
leading many to the gospel.
What I didn’t yet understand was
that God’s plan for me was greater than
what my imagination could conjure up.
It was also very different than what I
thought.
How about you? What are your
dreams and aspirations for your future?
How do you answer the well-meaning
adults who ask about your plans after
high school?
It may surprise you to learn that
God in the Bible has already given you a
sneak peek into your future. As women,
we are all appointed to be keepers of the
home (Prov 31:10-31; 1 Tim 5:14; Titus
76
2:5). Someday you may be called to love a
husband and bring up children and make
a home for them. Or as a single woman,
you may be entrusted with a home from
which you extend hospitality and vital
service to your church and community.
While you may pursue many other Godhonoring tasks or occupations throughout your lifetime, you are also called to
be a homemaker.
This is our purpose in life, what
John Angell James calls a “woman’s mission”—to “affect society through the medium of family influence.”2 You see, being
feminine isn’t just who we are; it’s also
what we do. Our feminine identity comes
with a unique task: to change the world
by devoting ourselves to home life.
Now this does not mean that the
Bible confines girls and women to their
homes. The Proverbs 31 woman—the
ideal homemaker—pursued endeavors
outside of the home for the good of her
family. And, of course, single women will
have careers that require them to work
beyond the home. But Scripture unapolo-
FALL 2006
getically sets forth the high priority of the
home for each and every woman.
Although this is our clear mission
from God, not many young women aspire to be homemakers these days. While
there are many other worthy careers they
may consider, homemaking isn’t usually
on the list of desirable options.
However, it wasn’t so long ago that
women thought differently about homemaking. As author Danielle Crittenden
points out, “Whether it’s the pleasure of
being a wife or of raising children or of
making a home—[these] were, until the
day before yesterday, considered the most
natural things in the world.”3 Today the
most natural thing in the world is for
girls to consider any career except that of
homemaker. So what happened? When
did homemaking fall off the radar screen
for young women?
To make a very long story short,
forty years ago a revolution known as the
feminist movement set out to “liberate”
our mothers’ generation from being tied
down to the home. And part and parcel
of the feminist message was “a disdain of
domesticity and a contempt for housewives.”4
And there is perhaps no greater
measurement of the success of feminism
than the fact that our generation no
longer considers homemaking a viable
career. As my mom has written, “Feminist philosophy has become thoroughly
integrated into the values of mainstream
society—so much so, that it has been
absorbed and applied by the majority of
women, even many who do not consider
themselves feminist.”5 The feminist revolution is not a revolution anymore; it’s
simply a way of life.
While motherhood has made a
comeback in the ratings of late—and
only as a worthy interlude in an otherwise
successful career—homemaking in its full
scope remains unpopular. Thus you may
not have thought of housewives (a term
usually employed while looking down
on someone) as being world-changers
before. But looks can be deceiving. True
greatness isn’t always flashy or attentiongrabbing when it arrives on the scene. I
didn’t see it at first either.
My mom is a homemaker. I grew
up with a living model of a woman who
utilized all her intelligence, creativity, and
energy to create a home and care for her
husband and children. But I didn’t always
fully appreciate the true significance of
her chosen career.
Sure, I wanted to get married and
have kids someday and have a home of
my own, but I lacked a biblical understanding and vision of the importance
and priority of my future calling. However, Mom did not allow me to remain
ignorant for long. Through Scripture,
hours of conversations, and helpful books,
she presented to me the noble calling of
a homemaker and its powerful effect in
the world.
I learned that, as John Angell James
wrote, quoting Adolphe Monod, “The
greatest influence on earth whether for
good or for evil, is possessed by woman.”6
Modern-day pastor John MacArthur
echoes his sentiment:
The family might survive the
problems with children and
husband-fathers if the women
who are wives and mothers
were faithful to their godly calling. Their influence is so strong
and pervasive in the home
that it can mitigate the other
influences. . . . when a wife and
mother fulfills her God-given
duty, she acts as a barrier against
that family’s dishonoring God
and His Word.7
77
Mom not only taught me of the
power of a homemaker’s influence in the
world but about the fulfilling nature of
her job. Dorothy Patterson elaborates,
Homemaking, if pursued
with energy, imagination, and
skills, has as much challenge
and opportunity, success and
failure, growth and expansion, perks and incentives as
any corporation, plus something no other position offers—working for people you
love most and want to please
the most!8
Through my mother’s example and
training, I caught a vision of the importance of my future mission. I knew that
whether or not I got married, and no
matter what other tasks God might have
for me, I wanted to fulfill my biblical calling to be a “keeper of the home.”
Today, although I may not be doing
important works by society’s standards,
I am doing great things for God, by His
grace. Although God did not call me to
be a missionary in another country, I am
able to share the gospel with my little boy,
Jack. While I may not be an encouragement to thousands, I can pray for and
encourage Steve, the godly man who is
my husband. And I finally realized that I
wasn’t cut out to be a nurse, but each and
every day I have the opportunity to serve
the church and reach out to the community, all from the base of my home.
I know many other women, married and single, who are quietly and
without fanfare starting a counterrevolution. They are intelligent, talented, godly
visionaries who are seeking to change
their world by answering God’s call to
be homemakers.
Carolyn McCulley is one such
78
single woman. She has turned her back
on the feminist ideology she formerly
embraced and now enthusiastically serves
others through her home. While she
holds down a demanding job, she also
thrives on hosting singles and married
couples alike in her home for fellowship
or evangelism (and even gourmet meals!).
She loves to have children—especially her
nieces and nephews—spend the night. In
fact, Carolyn has recently written a book
to encourage other single women to embrace God’s feminine design.9
Another revolutionary is my friend,
Jonalee Earles, a young wife and mother.
She was a straight-A student in high
school who went on to study interior design and could have had her pick of career
options. However, she’s chosen to invest
her creative talent into making a pleasant and delightful home for her husband
and their three small children. Jonalee is
a wonderful wife, an exceptional mom,
and a skilled and artistic homemaker. In
her spare time she helps other women
decorate their homes.
Stephanie Pyle is a future homemaker. A bright college student at the
local university, she does not hesitate to
tell others that she hopes to make use of
her degree as a wife and mother someday.
Her fellow students are perplexed but
curious. Stephanie is a young woman
who has a clear vision of the importance
of the home.
Carolyn, Jonalee, and Stephanie
are participating in what one person
called “the great task of renovating the
world”:
Even if we cannot reform the
world in a moment, we can
begin the work by reforming
ourselves and our households—It is woman’s mission.
Let her not look away from
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her own little family circle
for the means of producing
moral and social reforms, but
begin at home.10
Crossway, 2004).
Barbara Welter, “The Cult of True Womanhood:
1820-1860,” American Quarterly, 18 (Summer 1966),
53, 174; quoted in Susan Hunt, The True Woman
(Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 1997), 24.
10
You want to join us? I must warn
you that the world will not applaud you.
Or worse, they may look down on you
and criticize you. I guarantee there won’t
be awards given out for homemakers— at
least, not in this world. And we probably
won’t see the effects right away. But our
influence will surely outlast our lives.
Actually you don’t have to wait
until a future day or time to get started
on your mission. You can begin today.
My mom, Carolyn Mahaney, will tell you
how in the following article. But for the
moment, consider: When the next person
asks about your plans after high school,
how will you respond? Will you join the
vast number of women who have tossed
away the keys to the home? Or will you
join the homemaker’s mission to change
the world with the gospel?
1
From Girl Talk: Mother-Daughter Conversations on
Biblical Womanhood by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole
Mahaney Whitacre, copyright 2005, pages 143–48.
Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry
of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187,
www.crossway.com.
2
John Angell James, Female Piety: A Young Woman’s
Friend and Guide (Morgan, PA: Soli Deo Gloria,
1860, repr. 1995), 91–92.
3
Danielle Crittenden, What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1999), 22.
4
F. Carolyn Graglia, Domestic Tranquility (Dallas, TX:
Spence, 1998), 92.
5
Carolyn Mahaney, Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of
a Godly Wife and Mother (Wheaton, IL: Crossway,
2003), 103.
6
James, Female Piety, 72.
7
John MacArthur, Foreword to Pat Ennis and Lisa
Tatlock, Becoming a Woman Who Pleases God, (Chicago: Moody, 2003), 12.
8
Dorothy Patterson, “The High Calling of Wife and
Mother in Biblical Perspective,” in Recovering Biblical
Manhood & Womanhood (ed. John Piper and Wayne
Grudem; Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 1991), 377.
9
Carolyn McCulley, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?
Trusting God with A Hope Deferred (Wheaton, IL:
79
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 80-84
Homemaking Internship1
Carolyn Mahaney
Homemaker, Author, Speaker
Gaithersburg, Maryland
Imagine preparing your whole life
for a career in medicine. In high school
you volunteer at the local hospital and
spend your evenings reading medical
journals. You make the honor roll and
head off to a prestigious medical school.
After eight years of only study and no
social life, you finally graduate. Then you
spend two, maybe three years in your
chosen field—not even enough time to
pay off the school loans.
But the more you practice medicine, the less you enjoy it. Suddenly you
realize the truth. Your real calling is to
be a teacher. You want to work with kids,
small ones. So now with a mostly useless
set of skills (at least you would know
how to do the Heimlich maneuver if a
kid choked on his hot dog in the school
cafeteria), you want to enroll again at
the university and study to be a teacher.
But you can’t. Your time and money have
run out.
You can’t afford to give six more
years of your life to study, and you certainly can’t afford the extra school debt.
80
The years and the funds allotted for career
preparation have already been spent on
another profession. You have to accept
the reality that you didn’t graduate with
the right degree to teach.
All too often we stumble onto
homemaking the way this student stumbled onto teaching. We devote ourselves
to studying for a particular career, but
suddenly discover we want to enter an
entirely different field for which we never
prepared. Surprise! We find ourselves engaged to be married but without a degree
in homemaking.
But unlike all other professions, we
aren’t forbidden from marrying simply
because we aren’t prepared. While teachers are not allowed to enter a classroom
unless they have a diploma, every day
women become wives, mothers, and
homemakers with little or no preparation.
Girls often spend years of intensive
study for other professions and yet are
completely unprepared to assume the
career of homemaking. As I wrote in my
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book Feminine Appeal, “Isn’t it telling that
our culture requires training and certification for so many vocations of lesser
importance, but hands us marriage and
motherhood without instruction?”2 One
author lamented,
The fact is, our girls have no
home education. When quite
young they are sent to school
where no feminine employment, no domestic habits,
can be learned. . . . After this,
few find any time to arrange,
and make use of, the mass of
elementary knowledge they
have acquired; and fewer still
have either leisure or taste for
the inelegant, everyday duties
of life. Thus prepared, they
enter upon matrimony. Those
early habits, which would
have made domestic care a
light and easy task, have never
been taught, for fear it would
interrupt their happiness; and
the result is, that when cares
come, as come they must,
they find them misery. I am
convinced that indifference
and dislike between husband
and wife are more frequently
occasioned by this great error in education, than by any
other cause.3
Although this author has accurately
described the dismal state of education
for the home today, she was actually
writing in 1828. Only imagine what she
would say were she alive to observe the
situation now! If it’s possible, girls are
even less prepared now than they were
two hundred years ago. Young women
tend to assume that homemaking doesn’t
require any advanced skills or prepara-
tion. It’s similar to what a sixth grader
might think about a test covering firstgrade material: What’s there to study?
But the truth is that homemaking
involves so much more than just cleaning a house. The commands in Scripture
to love, follow, and help a husband; to
raise children for the glory of God; and
to manage a home encompass a vast
responsibility. Homemaking requires
an extremely diverse array of skills—everything from management abilities,
to knowledge of health and nutrition,
to interior decorating capabilities, to
childhood development expertise. If you
are to become an effective homemaker,
then you must study these subjects and
many more.
And consider the potential number of years you may function as a wife,
mother, and full-time homemaker. Obviously, this will differ for every woman,
given the age we get married, bear children, and then the age we die. However,
many of us will spend a considerable
portion of our lives in the homemaking
profession—from twenty or thirty to
upwards of fifty years or more. That’s no
small amount of time in one career.
Most importantly, our homemaking mission is from God. For the majority
of you who may be married someday, you
will be called to support a husband and
together to lead and train your children in
godliness. And your home is to be a place
from which the gospel goes forth.
So homemaking is a career that
demands considerable expertise, may
encompass decades of our lives, and has
the potential to spread the gospel to our
families, churches, communities, and
future generations. Now that’s a career
worth preparing for, wouldn’t you say?
Of course, it is not wrong to study
for another career in addition to preparing for homemaking. However, the
81
point is that we must not pursue any
career to the neglect of training to be
a homemaker. God has called us to be
the keepers of the home; thus I want to
urge you to give careful attention to your
education for this profession.
You need not wait for home economics classes to once again appear in
high school and college syllabi. God did
not assign this vital training to educational institutions. Instead, Scripture
says that the older women should teach
the young women to be effective home
managers and to love their husbands and
children (Titus 2:3–5). As with all other
aspects of biblical womanhood, it is the
mother’s job to teach and the daughter’s
job to learn.
Mom, this is where you come in. I
want to take a short intermission from
our conversation with your daughter
and speak with you for a moment. For
the job of preparing our daughters to
be homemakers—as we see from Titus
2:3–5—has been assigned to us as moms.
And what an exciting task this is! We
have the privilege of training our daughters to do what we love to do best—to
be homemakers and world-changers for
the gospel.
Mothers, we must begin by recognizing the full-time nature of our
training. Remember Deut 6:7: “[You]
shall talk of them when you sit in your
house, and when you walk by the way, and
when you lie down, and when you rise.”
We must incorporate domestic training
into the fabric of our daily lives. We must
seize every opportunity to prepare our
daughters for their mission.
We should speak often to them
about the joys of being a wife, mother,
and homemaker. Because when you hang
around someone who is enthusiastic
about her career, it rubs off on you. So
let’s spread some homemaking enthu-
82
siasm to our daughters. But we must
also advise them regarding the realities
of homemaking. Many girls enter marriage and motherhood without a clue as
to what’s required, and they quickly fall
into despair. We must tell our daughters of the sacrifices that homemaking
demands—but also of the unsurpassed
rewards it offers.
Besides the ongoing and impromptu teaching opportunities, we must set up
a structure for training. A good domestic
training plan must begin with the heart.
As mothers, we must shape our daughters’
convictions to reflect the biblical priority
of the home. A steady diet of God’s Word
and other biblically informed materials
are indispensable.4
We must also continually orient
our daughters’ hearts to home life. This
means—and I know this might be a radical concept—that our daughters need to
be at home sometimes. I am aware from
experience that this is not always easy
during the teenage years, which are brimming over with options and activities.
However, C. J. and I sought to preserve
for our girls the priority of family and
home. So family dinner each evening,
weekly “Family Night,” and other familytogether events were nonnegotiable.
Finally, moms, an effective training
program equips our daughters to manage all practical aspects of caring for a
home and family. It is impossible to list
here the numerous skills your daughter
must possess. But if you simply reflect on
your various daily responsibilities, it will
provide a template from which you can
develop a specific plan.
Think of your daughter as your
homemaking intern. She needs both
practical training and instruction. You
can provide hands-on training by delegating portions of the household responsibilities to her for short periods of
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time. For example, you may assign your
daughter to buy all the groceries and plan
and cook all the meals for a week, or you
may have her prepare dinner once a week
on a consistent basis. Actually you could
rotate through each section of your daily
tasks in order to furnish your daughter
with a well-rounded experience of the
homemaker’s world.
To provide your daughter with
instruction in homemaking skills, you
can get books from a library or bookstore on cleaning, organization, cooking, decorating, or childcare. You can
also enroll together in one of the classes
in the domestic arts offered by many
county organizations or retail stores. My
daughters and I have many fun memories
from the courses we took on Chinese
cooking, gift-wrapping, cake decorating,
and more. If there is a homemaking skill
in which you feel unequipped to instruct
your daughter, contemplate asking a talented friend to teach her instead. Practical training in homemaking
skills should also be a factor in how you
help your daughter approach her education. Author Tim Bayly has observed,
Women make academic decisions about course work and
majors with little thought
of the value of specific areas
of knowledge for running
a home, raising a family, or
educating children. . . . Most
. . . women, though, will be
blessed by God with marriage and children and are
therefore to raise up [their
children] for the Lord. To
fail to acknowledge this and
make decisions accordingly
in the critical years of life is
so sad, really. Why should
Christians join the world in
despising housewifery and
motherhood?5
Let’s not despise homemaking
and motherhood but rather honor it.
Whether our daughters pursue a formal
education or take a more unconventional
learning track, let’s make sure their season of learning includes preparation for
their possible futures.
I encouraged my daughters to acquire skills that would not only benefit
them in the workplace but would have
lifelong returns as well. Nicole pursued
writing opportunities; Kristin took college courses in accounting; and Janelle
studied photography. They are all married
today, and their respective abilities have
enabled them to supplement their family
incomes and serve others.
Finally, back to you, daughters. Let
me encourage each of you to embrace
your mother’s domestic teaching. Allow
her to probe your heart and direct your
affections toward the home. And take it
one step further. Appoint yourself as your
mom’s homemaking assistant. In addition
to your assigned chores, be on the lookout
for practical ways you can shoulder more
of her homemaking responsibilities. In
so doing, you will not only receive vital
training for your future mission, but
you will honor God by expressing your
femininity today.
In conclusion, let me leave you with
these words from John Angell James:
My young friends, let it be
your constant aim, and at
the same time your earnest
prayer, that you may first of all
thoroughly understand your
mission, and then diligently
prepare for it, and hereafter
as successfully fulfill it.6
83
1
From Girl Talk: Mother-Daughter Conversations on
Biblical Womanhood by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole
Mahaney Whitacre, copyright 2005, pages 149–55.
Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry
of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187,
www.crossway.com.
2
Carolyn Mahaney, Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues
of a Godly Wife and Mother (Wheaton IL: Crossway
Books, 2004), 21.
3
Lydia Maria Child, The American Frugal Housewife
(Boston: Carter and Hendee, 1832), 96.
4
See “For Further Study” in chapter 20 of Girl Talk.
5
Tim Bayly, “Preparing for Motherhood: A Christian
Response to the Cultural Attack on Domesticity,”
Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood 4, nos.
2–3 (Winter 2000): 24–25.
6
John Angell James, Female Piety: A Young Woman’s
Friend and Guide (Morgan, PA: Soli Deo Gloria
Publications, 1860; repr. 1995), 97.
84
FALL 2006
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 85-106
Equal, Yet So Very
Different:
Understanding a
Man’s Sexuality and
His Inherent Struggle
Mary Farrar
Homemaker, Author, Speaker, Women’s Ministry Leader
Copper Canyon, Texas
“It is not good for the man to
be alone” (Gen 2:18).
There is one subject that rarely surfaces in our egalitarian vs. complementarian discussions regarding male/female
roles and relationships. That is the vast
difference that exists between men and
women in the area of sexuality. Extending from that difference are its remarkable implications in terms of our natural
inclinations and unique strengths, as well
as the growing gulf it is creating between
Christian men and women today. This
article seeks to address that gulf.
What We Women Don’t Get
“What’s wrong with my husband?
Is he over-sexed? He thinks about it all
the time; but it seems like the more I give
it to him, the more he wants it.”
“Why can’t my husband be intimate in any other ways except through
sex? It leaves me cold.”
“What is it with men that they are
always struggling with sexual thoughts
and desires? Why can’t they get control
and grow up?”
These are the questions women
are asking today. A 1991 Roper poll of
3,000 women revealed that 54 percent
of women believed “men are sexually
obsessed.” This was fifteen years ago, long
before the porn industry skyrocketed
via cyberspace to exceed the income of
professional baseball, basketball, and
football combined, with literally millions of websites1 and some 800 million
porn videos and DVD’s now available for
public consumption.2 In the year 2000,
Robert Weiss, director of the Sexual
Recovery Institute in Los Angeles and
co-author of Cybersex Exposed, said 60
percent of all website visits were sexual in
nature and “sex” had become the number
one searched for topic on the internet.3
It is understandable that Christian
women are troubled by what appears to
be a virtual epidemic of male sexual sin
within the church. In nationwide surveys
among Christian men, sexual temptation
consistently tops the list as their single
85
greatest struggle, and the number of
those men admitting to using pornography is staggering.4 As a result, in the
last decade there has been an explosion
of books, support groups, and websites
for men with sexual struggles and addictions within the Christian community. It
matters little whether these men are in
positions of church leadership or sitting
in the pew. Christian colleges and seminaries have seen a surge of young men
who admit to feeling trapped in a hopeless cycle of lust and sexual sin. In my
own interviews of godly young guys with
a passion for serving Christ, the story has
been eerily the same: “I don’t know of
anyone personally—not one guy—who
isn’t battling (or hasn’t battled deeply in
the recent past) with masturbation and
pornography; and I know very few who
have found long-term victory.” Due to
its very nature (as well as mainstream
media’s financial windfall from porn and
its resulting reluctance for exposure), actual statistics on porn use have become
increasingly difficult to gather, but the
sheer success and the number of hits on
their websites tell us the story.
Pornography is not the only “flaming missile of the evil one” (Eph 6:16).
Our men walk through a daily minefield of sexual temptation, and no man
is exempt. It is “every man’s battle,” as
Stephen Arterburn aptly put it. And it
is all-out war.
Is the battle winnable? Absolutely.
There is great hope for our boys and
men. Satan may have found the Achilles’ heel of Western civilization, but God
knows his Achilles’ heel (Gen 3:15). As
with young David who took on Goliath,
God is looking for men who will dare
to engage the enemy, using their five
smooth stones, a sling, and a warrior’s
skill in hitting the mark. As their wives,
we are one of those five stones. In fact, we
86
may be the very stone our husbands will
use to bring the enemy down. But in order to be his best ally, we need a serious
paradigm shift. We need to see from his
perspective. What is God’s core design
of our warrior husbands, and why is this
their struggle?
A Few Important Preliminary
Considerations
It is important to recognize
that Christian women are not exempt
from this epidemic of sexual immorality. Increasing numbers of women in
the church are escaping into internet
relationships, adulterous affairs, and even
walking away from their husbands and
families. It must also be underscored that
the majority of highly moral Christian
men have not relinquished the fight for
control over the sex drive that often rages
within them. But our men have several
strikes against them.
Strike one is the sheer unfettered
accessibility to temptation which was
unthinkable even ten years ago, and the
likes of which has never been known to
mankind. Not only are porn producers
using the latest cutting edge in technology, but technology in general is fueling
the fire. Consider Apple’s latest version
of iPOD, a 60 gigabyte video iPOD
that boasts the ability to record up to
150 hours of video or 25,000 still images. Does anyone want to take a stab at
what our kids will be downloading for
immediate access—whenever, wherever?
Al Cooper, a leading researcher in the
field of sexual addiction, describes this
technological porno boom as a “Triple-A
engine: access, affordability, and anonymity.”5 Three traps, one pit.
Strike two is the reluctance of the
church to speak openly and frankly on
this issue. Most men attend churches
in which leaders who otherwise openly
FALL 2006
admit to struggling with anger or lack
of trust in God, rarely if ever admit to
personally struggling in the area of sexual
temptation. The perception is this. Either
godly men struggle only slightly in this
area and deal with it successfully, or sexual sin is the “unmentionable sin,” never
to be publicly acknowledged or openly
addressed. In such an environment, even
among male friends in accountability
groups, it is a rare self-respecting man
who will spill his guts and be real about
his deep inner sexual struggle. When the
silence is finally broken by the fall of a
highly visible leader, a sense of hopelessness and cynicism sets into the souls of
good men.
Adding injury to insult has been
the change of attitude regarding what is
normal male behavior in our own Christian sub-culture (i.e., the normalizing of
masturbation, looking at pornography,
and lustful thinking). The result has been
a trap of confusion and rationalization
among young maturing Christian men.
The “if he’s not talking about it,
he’s probably okay” approach is clearly
not working. The church must not ask
whether, but how we are going to openly,
appropriately, and straightforwardly address this huge elephant in our living
room. Churches that have implemented
an approach of brazen honesty and
straight talk, beginning with their top
leadership, are seeing a kind of reformation take place. Walls come down, sin
is exposed, and lives are changed and
restored. But such climates where open,
humble honesty thrives are hard to find
in our twenty-first century image-conscious church.
Strike three (and most relevant
to this article) is the increased feeling
men have of being misunderstood by
the women in their lives. Men who care
about their marriages and love their wives
are saying to their counselors, “My wife
doesn’t understand me. She thinks I am
selfish, off-balance. I’m dying here. The
frustration has become unbearable. What
do I do?”
“These are not easy times for men,”
writes Archibald Hart, author of the Hart
Report, a landmark study of Christian
men and sex in the 1990s.6 There is
a growing “masculine mystique,” says
Hart—a kind of quiet desperation among
men today that goes beyond the struggle
to find masculine identity in a feminized
culture. This desperation has to do with
the ever-present battle in the area of sex.
For many normal Christian men, Hart’s
research indicates, it is a daily battle, and
for some, it is hourly.7
Sadly, “one in four men have no
one, not even a wife, they can talk with
about their deepest sexual thoughts or
feelings.” Only 20 percent said they had
friends they talked to about it. Sixtyfive percent said their spouse or partner
was the only one with whom they could
discuss it. But among those who did talk
to their wives, they dared not share their
deepest struggles, for such revelations “are
embarrassing beyond words.”8 Would she
understand? Would she judge and reject
him? Their struggles are so frightening
even to them, what would the knowledge
of these things do to their wives? So most
men continue on in their quiet world of
desperation.
H. Norman Wright echoes this
problem in his book, What Men Want, in
which he reveals his own results of a mid1990s nationwide survey of Christian
men, counselors, and pastors. In response
to the question, “What subjects do you
think men hesitate most in bringing up
or discussing with women?” sex was at the
top of the list.9 One man stated the problem this way, “I don’t think women fully
understand our sexual struggles because
87
they just don’t think the same. It’s like
trying to explain back pain to someone
who has never had it. Something gets lost
in the translation.”10
This is not good. Of all the people
in the world with whom a man should
be able to bare his soul, it should be his
wife. The problem is that women are not
wired like men. We speak a different
sexual language, and our tendency is to
think in our own native tongue. Try as we
might, we will never fully relate. But we
can understand. And a little understanding can go a very long way.
Philandros
Most women are familiar with the
command to husbands, “You husbands
likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel,
since she is a woman; and grant her honor
as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that
your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet
3:7, italics added).
But is there a corresponding command to wives? Indeed there is. In Titus
2:4, the older women are to encourage the
younger women “to love their husbands”
or, literally, “to be husband-loving.” The
Greek word here is philandros, combining
the Greek word for phileo (meaning “love”)
with the Greek word for husband.
Often in New Testament times, phileo spoke of the deep love between very
close friends—a David and Jonathon
kind of love, if you will. In Scripture,
phileo is used when referring to the love
of Jesus for his dear friend, Lazarus ( John
11:36, “Behold, how He loved him!”), as
well as his love for “the disciple” (most
likely John, John 13: 23). It is also used
in describing the deep, affectionate love
of God the Father for his Son ( John
5:20). Paul uses it when commanding
us in Romans 12: 10, “Be devoted to one
another in brotherly love; give preference
88
to one another in honor…”, and John
uses it in referring to God’s fatherly love
for his children (Rev. 3: 19). These verses
speak of a special deep affection and
intimate relationship.
Interestingly, women are masterful at this kind of love. We tend to be
gifted at making and nurturing intimacy
in friendships. We are more naturally
inclined towards seeing inside the hearts
of people and empathizing with their
feelings, even when they can’t articulate their feelings themselves. Research
underscores that women form intimate
friendships more freely than most men,
and that affection and expression of feelings usually comes far more easily for
us.11 Intimate friendship love is a love
that we not only tend to do well, but that
we naturally deeply long for.
So, in a manner of speaking, Paul
is saying to us in Titus 2: 4, “Wives, live
with your husband in an understanding
way”. A wife who embraces philandros
seeks to get inside the mind of the man
she loves and understand what makes
him tick; she empathizes with his feelings and shares his burdens, and she
looks for ways to meet his deepest needs.
She also realizes that “understanding,”
biblically speaking, does not mean “excusing.” On the contrary, in the case of
destructive sin, a true friend is called by
God to love with a tough love—which
is usually the hardest part of love for us
as women. Yet, “Faithful are the wounds
of a friend,” says Prov. 27:6, for wounds
inflicted with a surgeon’s wisdom and
skill can sometimes save a life, a marriage,
and a family.
How then do we begin to practice
such understanding when it comes to our
husbands’ sexual needs and struggles?
•We must first understand
every man’s struggle in the
FALL 2006
area of sexual temptation, and
how we can be an ally rather
than a hindrance to him in
that battle.
•We must rightly handle the
fact that every good man falls
at some time in the area of
sexual sin, even if only in the
area of lustful thoughts.
•We must grasp a wife’s
important role when her
husband’s sexual sin becomes
a lifestyle, or when it turns
into a sexual addiction.
Whatever our husband’s struggle—
whether it be temptation, sin, or addiction—our men need us. We cannot save
them, and we certainly must not be their
moral policemen or mothers. But we do
play a powerful role in their lives. And
that begins with understanding God’s
creative wiring of the male sex.
Equal Yet Different
God created us male and female
(Gen 1:27; Matt 19:4). In Eve, God
made a “helper suitable (or “corresponding”) to” Adam—not precisely like him.
Yes, like Adam she was created in the
image of God—equal in her humanity,
dignity, and worth, equal in her calling
to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the
earth, and subdue it,” equal in her position as fellow-heir in Christ, equally
forgiven, gifted, honored, and significant
in his body. Yet while she was as Adam
declared, “bone of my bones and flesh of
my flesh,” she was not his biological replica. Her X chromosome, studded with
1,000–1,500 genes, gave her a notable
difference that complemented Adam’s Y
chromosome and enabled her to function
uniquely as Adam’s helpmate and the
mother of their children. It also equipped
her to contribute uniquely and purpose-
fully in the body of Christ. Egalitarians
tend to pass over this profound reality in
their passion for androgyny regarding the
roles and functions of men and women
in the home and church.
While the Bible assumes these
differences, feminism (and the culture
that it spawned some fifty years ago)
rejected this idea outright. But Simone
de Beauvoir’s statement, that “one is not
born a woman, but rather becomes one,”
can no longer be defended in the face of
modern research. As a 2003 Psychology
Today article declared, “It’s safe to talk
about sex differences again. Of course,
it’s the oldest story in the world. And
the newest. But for a while it was almost
treacherous. Now it may be the most
urgent.”12
Research has now shown men and
women to be significantly different from
birth—physiologically, psychologically,
socially, and intellectually (as groundbreaking studies on the brain have revealed). According to a 2006 Newsweek
article, scientists are now realizing that
the “boy brain”—that kinetic, sometimes
disorganized, maddeningly rough-andtumble behavior in young boys that
drives mothers and educators crazy—is
actually not a defection; it is hard-wired
and advantageous. “Boys are biologically,
developmentally and psychologically
different from girls,” and our lack of
recognition of this has put our boys at a
severe developmental disadvantage.13
The “boy brain” is, of course, the
“man brain,” produced when the male
baby’s brain is bathed in testosterone during gestation, wiring him differently from
the female for life. And there is no place
where this difference is more accentuated
than in a man’s approach to sex. Consider
six ways that God has uniquely wired
men in the area of sex, aside from their
obvious physiological difference.14
89
Difference #1: For Men, Sex and Love
Are Not Naturally Linked
This is a startling concept for most
women. In fact, nothing separates men
and women more in their sexual make-up
than this single difference. For women,
sex and love are inextricably linked. But
not so for men.15 The male sex drive is
primarily a matter of hormones. It is an
instinctive drive that regularly demands
to be satisfied. This drive for sexual release was built into the male for a reason,
and it is as natural as the sun rising in
the morning. In the man whose sex drive
is normal (meaning it has not become
unnaturally sublimated through excessive stress or physiological issues), it is
a reality he deals with regularly. If left
to languish in a marriage relationship,
it will build up within him much like
a smoldering volcano—strong, urgent,
forceful, impatient.
By way of illustration, a man’s
God-given sex drive can be compared
to hunger. None of us are hungry all the
time. But at fairly regular intervals, we
become hungry and need to eat. The longer we do not eat, the stronger and more
urgent our hunger for food becomes. This
is what men experience in the area of sex.
Women, on the other hand, have no semen to release; they are more naturally
spontaneous responders, and their sexual
desires are greatly affected by relational
needs and hormonal rhythms. God put
this difference within us for our blessing,
but it can become a curse.
This is because the analogy between
the male sexual drive and hunger breaks
down when it comes to satisfaction.
Hunger can be satisfied by a man himself,
or by any number of people; he can pull
quickly into a drive-through or sit down
at a nice restaurant. But a man’s sexual
needs are designed by God to be met
only by another single human being—the
90
wife of his youth (Prov 5:18). God put
a fence around sex, commanding that it
should occur only within marriage in a
one man/one woman relationship.16 He
did this for many clear reasons (e.g., the
prevention of physical disease, the development of true intimacy in the safety
of fidelity and trust, and the depth of
pleasure and happiness that can only happen in a long-term, sacrificial, monogamous relationship). But one reason not
often considered is for the protection of
women. In societies where sexual fidelity
and monogamy is not honored, women
fall in status, becoming only so much
chattel, property to be used, abused, and
disposed of at will. It should be noted
that attitudes in our own society are moving us in that direction.
This plan of God has an important catch; call it a Catch 22. God’s good
design for sex places a godly man in a very
dependent position. It requires that his
wife understand and seek to meet his
normal, natural, sexual needs. A wife who
“gets” this is like medicine to a man’s soul
and a most powerful weapon in his fight
against sexual sin.
Women need to realize that a
man’s sex drive is not the entire makeup
of his sexuality. Men do need, long for,
and deeply appreciate the intimacy and
union of souls that occurs when love and
sex come together. They are unfulfilled
apart from that. But the male sex drive
continues, whether genuine love and intimacy are present or not. (This helps to
explain why a couple can have a heated
unresolved argument in the kitchen, and
thirty minutes later the husband can be
making sexual advances in bed.)
A good woman who grasps her
husband’s physiological needs will not
compromise communication on the altar
of raw physical sex, but she can articulate
an understanding of his inherent need as
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she rightly expresses her own deep need
for conflict resolution. A woman’s natural
need for sex to be an expression of communication and emotional intimacy is a
healthy gift she brings into a marriage
relationship. And it is exceedingly good
for her husband.
Difference #2: Men Are Highly Visual
A man is naturally aroused by the
sight of a woman’s body—whether it
be a woman walking down a street or
in pictures, moving or still. We women
simply do not comprehend the power of
the visual on a man. Even the most visual
of us cannot fully grasp it. Whether out
of need or naivety, some women among
us enjoy the attention they receive when
they dress and act provocatively, not realizing that they are lowering their own
value, objectifying themselves to men,
and enticing them to sin. The apostle
Paul (who as a man also experienced
sexual temptation) wrote, “Likewise, I
want women to adorn themselves with
proper clothing, modestly and discreetly”
(1 Tim 2:9).
The truth is that without the
complicity of women who allow their
bodies to become objects of lust, the
porn industry would be crippled. But
any woman who leads men on by dressing provocatively, flirting with her eyes,
touching inappropriately with her body,
engaging in impure talk, or participating
in extra-marital sexual intimacy designed
by God to lead to sexual intercourse, has
become complicit with the enemy.17 She
is not only allowing herself to be used by
men, she is being used by Satan. And this
is a most sobering thought.
However, a godly, non-complicit
woman still needs to understand something about her man. Any woman with
a great body—even an attractively
dressed woman in a business suit—is an
“eye magnet” for a man. The feeling of
just looking at her is a riveting pleasure
against which few things can compete.
And God put this into man before sin ever
entered the world. He put it there because he intended men to be the natural
initiators in male-female relationships.
God wired men to be attracted to, enjoy,
love, and appreciate the female body.
Then he stepped back and called this
“good.” This strong physical attraction of
a man to the sight of a woman’s body is
celebrated in Scripture. A woman’s body
is designed by God to be a turn-on. In
Song of Solomon 4 (in which we should
note that the virgin/bride says nothing),
the husband/lover is simply gazing upon
her and describing the power of the image of her body. Even her fragrance is
celebrated. “Let her breasts satisfy you
at all times,” says the writer of Proverbs
regarding a man’s wife (5:19). Have you
ever read a verse commanding a woman
to be satisfied with her husband’s sexual
organs? Why is it that men are the ones
who are typically cautioned not to sin
in their looking? That is because most
women do not naturally look at a man
and undress him. While physical traits
do attract women, we are particularly
drawn to a man who is strong, warm,
verbally complementary, and relationally
responsive.
But there is more for us to understand. Visual images of women are
“burned” into the hard drive of a man’s
mind, stored away to be accessed at will
or (as if his brain is constantly on-line)
to simply pop up unsolicited at the most
vulnerable, unsuspecting moment. A
man need never worry about punching in
“save.” It will be saved. Worse yet—and
please get this—there is no “trash.” Once
there, an image is permanently imprinted.
A man’s visual memory is not only long,
but it is vivid and remarkably acces-
91
sible—whether that image entered his
mind three minutes ago or three decades
ago at the age of eleven. Since a young,
innocent mind is not developmentally
equipped to handle such images, the
earlier and the more erotic the image, the
more vivid is the memory. For men with
obsessive behaviors, or for those who
have made a habit of feeding on these
images and replaying them often, things
can quickly go seriously wrong.18
You may be a fresh young bride
or a naturally beautiful fifty-something
woman. You may be blessed with the
most loving, intimate, and sexually fulfilling of marriages. But this does not
change a man’s instinctive wiring. The
fact that the image of another woman
arouses (or tempts) him has nothing to
do with you. It has everything to do with
him. Though a strong, happy marriage is
surely a fortress of protection, in the end
we have no control over what our husband sees in his mind or what he will do
with it. We must understand this, accept
it, and refuse to obsess over it.
“Philandros” on the Visual Front
There are, however, at least three
selfless ways we can become our husband’s ally on the visual front. When
Willard Harley came out in 1986 with
the results of his study on the top five
needs in marriage expressed by Christian
men, one could almost hear a collective
moan sweeping across the sea of already
overwhelmed wives and moms (who were
doing well just to get some make-up on
at the start of their day).19 The top three
needs alone were enough to blow us over:
(1) sexual fulfillment; (2) recreational
companionship; and (3) attractiveness in
a spouse. For women this said, “Perform,
perform, and then perform some more.”
But “piling on” was the last thing Harley
had in mind. Believe it or not, all three
92
of these are directly related to innate male
sexuality. And subsequent studies have
reinforced Harley’s findings. So, laying
aside the performance guillotine for a
moment, let us consider why these three
particular needs rose to the top.
Need #1: Sexual Fulfillment
By divine design, sex is important
to men. A normal, godly man who is
sex-starved will be far more tempted to
go to the “image files,” just like you would
be exceedingly tempted to eat a box of
donuts or pure trash from a garbage bin
if nothing else was available and you were
starving. “What is normal?” every woman
asks. Each couple has to determine together what for them is normal.20 But,
ultimately, “normalcy” must be tempered
by sacrifice and understanding on the
part of both husband and wife. People
get sick, lose jobs, and go through any
number of unspeakable tragedies. Marriages hit difficult periods that affect a
person’s ability to respond sexually, and
these times have to be worked through
openly and completely. Past experiences
profoundly affect a man or woman’s present sexual health and appetite. Therefore,
sexual appetite is never our final barometer; love expressed sacrificially as you
walk through real life together is always
our barometer (Eph 5:28–31). Keeping
all this in mind, Paul laid down a simple,
fundamental principle regarding our
attitudes of meeting the normal sexual
needs of our partner: “Stop depriving one
another, except by agreement for a time
that you may devote yourselves to prayer,
and come together again lest Satan tempt
you because of your lack of self-control.”
(1 Cor 7:5). We help our husband on
the visual front by understanding and
incorporating this principle.
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Need #2: Recreational Companionship
A man’s high need for recreational
companionship with his wife is more
illusive, until we consider what the 24/7
industrial-technological age has done to
both men and women. It has obviously
divided our worlds and the natural flow
of our lives together. It has also taken
away a man’s sense of power over his
own life, putting him at the mercy of
“the company” and placing him in a
world that values success over all else. A
man often feels he has to work overtime
just to keep his job; then he must go on
working double-overtime to carry out
his responsibilities as husband and dad.
In spite of all this, studies show that
(whether religious or not, and regardless
of age) men still deeply desire to provide
for their families financially and feel the
great weight of that responsibility—even
if their wives are perfectly capable of
bringing home the bacon. Their very
manliness is at stake; they find it demoralizing and emasculating to have their
wives outdoing them in this area that
they are instinctively wired to fulfill.21
Philandros looks at this and steps
back, letting him carry the ball and regularly expressing appreciation for all his
hard work. Since a man rarely receives
verbal appreciation at work (unless it
comes from a woman who works very
closely with him), a wife needs to be the
one to meet that need in his life. She can
let him know she cares very much about
his daily work even though she is not
physically there.
The industrial/technological revolution has also given rise to another
trend among a certain segment of men.
That trend is a decreased sexual appetite
altogether. In The Sex-Starved Marriage,
Michele W. Davis documents that one in
five married men say their sex drive is not
what it used to be.22 While other factors
can create low sex drive/performance in
men, stress (which drains testosterone)
has proven to be the number one culprit
for the hypo-sexual male. At the expense
of their health and marriages, workaholics are losing their healthy sex drive, as
well as their ability to rest and play.
What does recreational companionship have to do with male sexuality
and visual arousal? When a twenty-first
century man walks in the door after a
long day, he is likely to be hungry, angry,
lonely, and tired (counselors call this
HALT). He is, in a word, stressed-out.
The wife and the mother of his children
is probably in a similar state of mind. This
is not a good time for in-depth conflict
resolution. In fact, dumping family or
marital frustrations on a man who has
endured a long drive in traffic and a
“God-only-knows-what-kind-of-day”
is almost more than he can bear. A wife
who does this regularly ends up becoming an extention of his day, rather than the
woman with whom he desires and needs
to decompress. Today’s man has a genuine need to let down, to enjoy his wife, his
children, his “place of refuge”—as much
as that is possible in this busy, demanding
world. If this is what he sees in his mind
when he thinks of returning to his wife at
home, that visual mental image will fight
powerfully against a temporarily arousing
image slinking down his office hallway.
Call it a perk, a basic joy in being married,
an invisible shield of visual protection.
There are obviously times when urgent
issues trump timing. But a woman who
continually dumps on her husband without
impunity is what Proverbs refers to as a
“vexing” woman, “a constant dripping.”
What man does not want to escape such
a woman, even if only in his mind?
Does this mean that we are to
forsake healthy, needed conversation?
Never. The Bible commands that we keep
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short accounts and work through conflict
ASAP (Eph 4:25–26). Sometimes there
is no perfect time; in fact, “avoidance” is
a common tactic used in dysfunctional
marriages. If this is your situation, you
must seek the Lord for wisdom, and
then do what God has commanded you
to do, which is to communicate from your
heart in a spirit of love (1 Pet 3:8–12;
Phil 2:1–4; Gal 6:6; Eph 4:15, 25–31;
Prov 16:21, 23–24). But the man whose
wife wisely considers her husband’s state
of mind substantially raises the chances
that he will actually hear and engage her
concerns.
Consider this question. If you were
to make a list of the top ten enjoyable
recreational activities for men, would
“talking through deep issues” appear on
that list? Ninety-nine times out of one
hundred it would not. Talking deeply for
most men is a very hard but necessary
work, as we will see in a moment.
What, then, do men enjoy? Women
may find this hard to believe, but research
shows that most men prefer to have fun
with their wives even more than with
“the guys.”23 When you were dating,
that was true; why should it not still be
true? If your husband wants to relax
and have fun with you (and evidence
shows that he would if he felt he could),
nurture that. Make it happen. Such marriages are a dying breed in our overloaded
world. No matter how tight the budget,
for the sake of our marriage, we must
find a way to let go of the kids and the
personal agenda, get a sitter if necessary,
and be spontaneous with our husbands.
A wife simply needs to let her husband
know she enjoys being with him, even if
it means sitting on the couch with him
and watching the NBA playoffs or the
Ultimate Fighting Championships (for
twenty-something wives). Every man
has a special activity that he loves. The
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woman who does this activity with her
husband might be surprised to discover
why he enjoys it so much.
But what recreational activity do
men find most relaxing, most rejuvenating, most enjoyable of all? Hands down,
it is sex. Men love sex. A man feels most
like a man when he is wanted, received,
and pleasured in sex with his wife.
To sum up, a wife helps her husband on the visual battlefront when he
has visual images of enjoyable times with
her.
Need #3: Physical Attractiveness
Breathe deeply and resist the urge
to toss this journal in the trash right now.
Given what we already know about a
man’s visual make-up, this particular need
makes complete sense. But it is rarely if
ever expressed by husbands. Intuitively men
know this is the most sensitive issue they
could ever raise with their wives, and
they frankly do not want to risk the hurt
and further withdrawal it could create.
Harley was one of the earliest to put the
spotlight on this high-level need among
Christian men; it has since come out in
every major study of Christian men in
the last ten years.24
On the surface, this hits women as
selfishly buying into the world’s values
(and sadly, for some spiritually immature
men, it truly is). However, let me put
your heart at rest with regard to what the
normal, godly man means when he expresses a need for “attractiveness.” Erase
the comparison/performance mindset
with which so many women are obsessed
and become literally anorexic over. He
is not expecting his wife to be a size 2,
bikini-model. He knows that a real human-flesh woman can never compete
with the anorexic, surgery-enhanced,
vaporous objects thrust into our faces
everyday, nor does he really desire that
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from his wife. Men actually wish their
wives did not feel so inadequate and
obsess so much over their bodies. What
they do desire is that their wives would
make a genuine effort to be attractive out
of love for them, rather than pursuing an
empty kind of false beauty (“Charm is
deceitful and beauty is vain,” Prov 31:30).
In one study, 97 percent of men said they
would do whatever it takes to help make
that happen if they knew this was their
wife’s desire.25
Knowing this fact and rightly responding to it are two separate things.
We women tend to think in two unhealthy ways: (1) either we obsess over
looks and feel continually inadequate in
this area; or (2) we toss the idea out as
worldly, unimportant, and unattainable,
and just let ourselves go. There is a weird
mindset floating around among some
women’s groups which categorizes any
focus on personal attractiveness as selfcentered and unspiritual. These women
have failed to differentiate between
worldly, self-obsessed beauty and godly,
philandros-driven beauty.
We cannot let the world’s perversion of beauty push us to the opposite
extreme, conversely perverting God’s
pure and wonderful design for beauty.
The antidote to perversion is to soak in
biblical truth. We are real women. Real
women have children and serve their
families from sun-up to sun-up. We are
not desperate housewives. God created
us to be women of substance, possessing
dignity and character (Prov 31)—which
by the way is exceedingly attractive to a
man. We are to be beautiful from the inside out (1 Pet 3:3–4). We must remember that God created beauty. The Garden
of Eden was breathtakingly beautiful.
God refers to his own magnificent glory
as beautiful (Ps 48:2; 96:6; Isa 4:2). And
he honors substantive, virtuous beauty in
women throughout Scripture (the books
of Esther and Song of Solomon are two
primary examples).
There is an approach to physical
health and beauty that is philandros in
action. Modesty does not preclude attractiveness. And every woman can be
uniquely attractive. One of the most
personal, selfless ways a woman can be
her husband’s ally is by appreciating his
desire to enjoy her body visually. It is a
happy man whose wife understands his
natural response to the visual, and out of
love for him chooses to make an effort
to take care of her body simply for him.
While time is not on the side of a Sport’s
Illustrated swimsuit model, time is always
on the side of the woman whose beauty
is growing from the inside out. A godly
woman ages with great beauty. That’s
why, for her husband, empty, transitory,
impersonal images can never compete
with the real deal. A real-life relationship with a real-life woman with whom
he shares real-life pleasurable intimacy
and times of enjoyment are incredibly
appealing—especially if that woman
unselfishly seeks to please her husband in
her appearance and lets him know he is
desirable when he makes sexual advances.
This is coming straight from the mouths
of real, godly men.26
In a nutshell, a woman’s desire to
please her husband visually feeds his soul.
Oddly enough, it is also feeds her soul
and the souls of her children. Our men
simply want us to know, “This is important to us. It makes more of a difference
than we are willing to tell you. Please
make an effort to love us by caring for
your own body.”
Difference #3: Men Do Not Easily
Articulate Their Innermost Feelings
In fact, sex is often the one place
where a man finds an outlet for his feel-
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ings.27 Women need to better understand
that articulation of inner emotions actually goes against the innate male nature
and is not a natural part of the male
language repertoire.28 There are those for
whom this is not true, but they are not
the norm. This fact comes as no surprise
to women; but it is a mystery.
Though the image of an iceberg is
overused, there is no better illustration
to describe this aspect of manhood. The
normal man is much like an iceberg,
with eight-ninths of its huge mass submerged beneath the surface. His true
inner self—that core part of a man that
experiences but rarely reveals fear, anxiety,
hurt, depression, insecurity, grief, passion,
love—remains deeply submerged. All
the while, these emotions profoundly
shape who he is, how he relates to God,
the decisions he makes, and the way he
interacts with his significant others. Even
in our culturally “softened, sensitized
male” world, the natural ability of a man
to identify and articulate these feelings
continues to lie outside his normal grasp.
That is why, unless his emotional life has
been nurtured in a healthy way as a child
growing up, a man’s natural tendency will
be either to explode (anger continues to
be the one culturally acceptable masculine emotion) or simply to clam up and
shut down.
There is a reason for this. Men were
designed by God to be action-oriented,
aggressive, strong, protective, fighters for
good, able to “take it.” Even in childhood
development, this inherent trait is obvious. A boy’s large motor skills develop
earlier than girls, while his verbal skills
develop much later. 29 Even then, his
earliest words tend to be action words.
(Give a third grader an assignment to
write about how he felt on his first day
of school and he will be stumped; he
wants to write about what he did on the
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way to school—like ramming his bike
into a tree or tearing his pants on a high
fence.) To adolescent boys, toughness is
a virtue, and any emotion other than anger is a weakness. Manliness inherently
comes to mean having your act together,
being strong, unafraid, in control. Any
revelation to the contrary is shunned. By
adulthood, the majority of men do not
tend to think in terms of “emotions” or
”feelings” or “wounds” (an un-masculine
word if there ever was one)—even though
they deeply feel these things and are
profoundly affected by them.
Yet Christian men love the Psalms.
They envy the relationship of Jonathan
and David where the male bond was so
strong that two men could express love
for one another and weep together. They
feel passionately about issues that affect
their souls, their families, and the world
in which they live. The deepest hurt of a
man’s life occurs when he fails to receive
sufficient intimacy and verification from
his father. When my husband speaks at
men’s conferences, he has observed that
it is the “Dad”-talk in which strong men
actually break down and cry. There is no
greater or more important love to a man
than the love of another real man in
his life, especially his dad. Yes, men are
emotional beings.
A wife can become the single most
powerful catalyst in helping her husband
identify and articulate the feelings that
churn inside of him. But male self-exposure is predicated upon the listener’s
ability to be objective (rather than reactive). It is also predicated on the belief
that he will not lose manly self-respect
in the process. That is why your husband
needs to know that you deeply respect
him when and because he is vulnerable,
that you value the strength and humility
it takes to be vulnerable more than you
value any other single masculine trait he
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may possess.
Where does a woman begin in
becoming such a catalyst? The best place
to begin is where Jesus often began, by
asking good questions. And then she
must simply listen. When she does finally speak, it must be to articulate and
verify what she is hearing him say. She is
checking to see if she has gotten it right,
and allowing him to correct her if she
has not. By the way, have you ever noticed how Jesus’ questions spoke directly
to people’s deep inner fears, needs, and
motives? Wise questions are like golden
keys to secret closets. It takes skill to ask
good questions of our husbands.30 If you
love your husband, you cannot ignore his
silence; for silence, as with the silence of
Adam, is lethal.31 So if at first he “runs,”
patiently stay with it. Transparency for
a man is usually connected to a loss of
masculinity; he may not even know what
he feels deep inside. If there is great pain
in his heart, he will prefer to continue to
live in that comfort zone of denial. But
ultimately every man needs to understand his inner core; and he does desire
emotional intimacy with his wife.
In fact, transparency of both husband
and wife is absolutely essential for true
sexual fulfillment in marriage. The flow
of transparency must go both ways. This
means that as a couple walks through
life together, a woman will also need to
explain herself to her husband.32 Men do
not understand our sexual language either; we are an enigma to them. The more
a husband “gets” his wife, the better he
will be able to draw close to her emotionally and even please her sexually, which in
turn will give him his own greatest sexual
pleasure. Men enjoy sex most when their
wives are enjoying it with them.
Paradoxically, the hardest area for
transparency between a husband and wife
is in the area of sex. It is the least openly
discussed topic among couples even in
the very best of marriages. But in these
times, it is crucial. Fifteen years ago Paul
Tournier wrote in his excellent book, To
Understand Each Other, “The best protection against sexual temptations is to be
able to speak honestly of them and to
find, in the wife’s understanding, without any trace of complicity whatsoever,
effective and affective help to overcome
them.”33
Tournier is right. One counselor
to sexually addicted men emphasized
to me that a wife cannot afford to stand
by with an “I would rather not know”
approach to this subject. He suggested
that understanding a man’s natural needs
is not enough. “Open the door and ask
the right question,” he said. Rather than
asking, “Are you struggling with porn
or lust?“ ask, “What are you doing to
keep from struggling with porn or lust?”
Philandros cares enough to ask the hard
questions—in a spirit of gentleness, looking to ourselves, knowing that we too are
subject to great temptation (Gal 6:1).
Difference #4: A Man’s Mind Easily
Moves from Image to Fantasy
Visual images for men move quickly from thought to fantasy. As we have
noted, once an image enters a man’s mind,
it is unconsciously catalogued and able
to appear again at any time in the form
of powerful temptation. It becomes a
“mental time bomb.”34
Jesus understood this problem not
only as the Creator, but as a man himself
who was “tempted in all things as we are,
yet without sin” (Heb 4:15). Jesus fully
grasped the intense battle that occurs in
a man’s mind at the point of visual and
mental arousal:
You have heard that it is
said, “You shall not commit
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adultery”; but I say to you,
that everyone who looks on
a woman to lust for her has
committed adultery with her
already in his heart. And
if your right eye makes you
stumble, tear it out and throw
it from you; for it is better
for you that one of the parts
of your body perish, than for
your whole body to be thrown
into hell (Matt 5:27–29).
There’s a familiar battle term called
the “thin red line.” In this case, we might
easily refer to the “thin green line”—that
fine line between seeing and “envying
your neighbor’s wife.” This line can be
so thin, said Jesus, that even an image
caught with a man’s right eye can draw
him into lust. Jesus stunned his listeners when he suggested how much was
at stake at this crucial point of the lust
battle: lust can take a man to hell (v. 29).
In essence, Jesus was saying that lusting
(fantasizing) about sex is as destructive
as actually committing adultery outright.
Fornication in the mind, said Jesus, is,
well, fornication. Wow, says the world,
God is strict. But Jesus also understood
what mental lust does to a man’s heart
and soul. It alienates him from God
(1 Cor 6:15–20), desensitizes his conscience, destroys his ability to sacrificially
love his wife, and intensifies his appetite
to go deeper. It is the germinal seed “that
gives birth” to death ( James 1:14–15).
Jesus understood the addictiveness of
lust. The conscious choice to entertain
the idea of sexual pleasure apart from
one’s own spouse does not stop with a
mere thought. Lust undresses, craves,
and fantasizes. Therefore, said our Lord,
pluck out your eye rather than caving to
lust and risking damnation. These are
strong, jarring words. The Bible is clear:
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those who practice sexual immorality
will not enter the kingdom of God (1 Cor
6:9–10; Gal 5:19–21; Rev 21:8).
Is Jesus teaching that one who
lusts can lose his salvation? John Piper
answers this question with great theological acuity:
I have learned again and
again from firsthand experience that there are many
professing Christians who
have a view of salvation that
disconnects it from real life,
and that nullifies the threats
of the Bible and puts the
sinning person who claims
to be a Christian beyond the
reach of biblical warnings.
I believe this view of the
Christian life is comforting
thousands who are on the
broad way that leads to destruction (Matthew 7: 13). . .
. Faith that justifies is a faith
that also sanctifies. And the
test of whether our faith is
the kind of faith that justifies
is whether it is the kind of
faith that sanctifies. . . . [True]
Faith delivers from hell, and
the faith that delivers from
hell delivers from lust. Again
I do not mean that our faith
produces a perfect flawlessness in this life. I mean that
it produces a persevering fight.
The evidence of justifying
faith is that it fights lust. Jesus didn’t say that lust would
entirely vanish. He said that
the evidence of being heavenbound is that we gouge out
our eye rather than settle for
a pattern of lust.”35
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In other words, a truly regenerated
heart of faith resists sin and perseveres in
the fight against it. If a heart does not
anguish over sin and persevere to fight it,
it may very well be a heart in which true,
saving faith has never been born. A tree
is known by its fruit, said Jesus (Matt
7:16–20). Faith that bears no works is
dead, says James 2:26. Therefore, the man
who is united with Christ is necessarily
engaged in a struggle.
Difference #5: Men Do Not Possess
an Innate Defense against Sexual
Arousal
Do you want to know what your
husband’s greatest challenge is? This is
it. Because he does not naturally possess
it, every man must develop a system of selfcontrol over his sexual impulse and drive.
And the best time to do this is in his
transitioning years from adolescence into
adulthood, when habits and attitudes are
being formed and ingrained.
For this is the will of God . . .
that is, that you abstain from
sexual immorality; that each
of you know how to possess
his own vessel in sanctification
and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do
not know God; and that no
man transgress and defraud
his brother (1 Thess 4: 3–5,
italics added).
The Greek word here for sexual immorality (porneia) is the word from which
we get pornography. It is also the word
from which pornē comes, meaning prostitute or harlot. Porneia encompasses every
form of sexual immorality—from lustful
thoughts, to looking at immoral movies,
to viewing pornography and masturbating, to visiting sex clubs, to committing
fornication with someone who is not your
spouse. But simply dressing provocatively,
or giving the very appearance of evil (1
Thess 5:22) is included. A woman can
certainly be as guilty of not possessing
her vessel as can a man.
However, the battle for men is a
particularly difficult one. As one man
explained, “Because of the way we are
wired, it’s more natural for us to fall into
sexual sin than to stay out of it. We have
to learn to hate what is so destructive for
us—that immediate sensation/gratification of pleasure that ends in emptiness
and a need for more—and to desire
what we really need, which is a faithful,
intimate, deeply pleasurable relationship
with our wives.” He is describing the ageold Rom 7:19 struggle.
But a man who is serious about
the Lord and his marriage will set his
heart to construct a defense. He will
train himself to habitually avert his eyes
and alert his mind to temptation, cutting
it off at the pass. He will go to extreme
measures to counter the enemy—even
if it means having a TV removed from
his hotel room or changing jobs. Like a
right-handed basketball player training
himself to bounce the ball with his left,
he will have to learn by practicing what
does not come naturally to him. Once
he develops the skill, he becomes much
harder to beat on the court. But he will
need to continually practice this skill to
stay good at it. As he is training his heart
and mind, he may drop the ball. But a
man whose heart is fully the Lord’s will
get right back in the game. And he will
be transparent with his wife concerning
his battle.
If your husband is such a man, the
worst thing you can do is walk around in
a state of anxiety over potential infidelity
just because temptation crosses his path.
Being horrified that our husbands are
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tempted every day and obsessing over
their inevitable encounter with beautiful
women accomplishes absolutely nothing
(cf. Matt 6:27). Rather than living in a
state of anxiety (even though some of us
may have been betrayed by other men in
our lives), the best thing we can do is to
pray for him. At some point, we must put
our husbands in the hands of God. Prayer
is our first, most powerful line of defense.
Counter your anxiety with prayer (Phil
4:6). As relentless as the enemy is, that
is how relentless our prayers need to be
for him. We fight not against flesh and
blood, but against the forces of darkness.
“Therefore, with all prayer and petition,
pray at all times” (Eph 6:12, 18).
Differentiating between Sexual Temptation, Sin, and a Lifestyle of Sexual Sin
Women also need to understand
the great difference between temptation
and sin, thin as that line may sometimes
be. It is interesting to note that temptation existed before the fall. The tree
of knowledge of good and evil—with
God’s clear instructions—was placed
in Eden (Gen 2:9) before Eve sinned
and her husband followed suit. Satan,
the tempter, certainly existed before the
fall. Temptation is not sin. It precedes
sin. Jesus, the God-man, was tempted
sexually, yet remained sinless. Each one
of us is tempted to act selfishly every day
of our lives, even though we may choose
not to act upon that temptation. So, even
though our husbands live in a daily war
zone, we cannot confuse that temptation
with sin.
There is also a great difference
between sin and a lifestyle of sin. Will
your husband sin? Sin is a given for every believer this side of heaven (1 John
1:8). There is no growth towards spiritual
maturity that does not include stumbling
and falling. “The issue is that we resolve
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to fight, not that we succeed flawlessly,”
says Piper.36 There is a great difference
between the kind of sinner who lives
in awe of amazing grace and fights the
good fight, and the sinner who has no
fear of God and persists in a lifestyle of
sin. Can sexual temptation be resisted?
Certainly it can. Men can learn to control
their sexual impulses. Too many women
have bought into the lie that “it’s just a
guy thing.” A Christian man or woman
can develop self-control over any sinful
impulse (gossip, anger, laziness, anxiety,
unkindness). The fruit of the Spirit is
self-control (Gal 5:22–23).37
A Biblical Battle Plan
Paul gave his own spiritual son,
Timothy, a two-pronged battle plan for
building a defense system against sexual
sin. Flee sexual immorality and pursue
righteousness, he said (2 Tim 2:22).
This is exactly what Joseph did when
his youthful hormones were raging and
Potiphar’s wife was enticing him day after
day. He fled immorality and pursued after
righteousness. Who would have known if
Joseph had relented? God. “How can I do
this great evil, and sin against God?” he
said (Gen 39:9). What was his reward for
obedience and self-denial? He was falsely
accused and thrown into a dungeon for
what could have been the rest of his life.
But God was watching Joseph. He was
pruning his character in order to raise
him up and use him. Our husbands suffer
also when they resist temptation, if only
because they have denied themselves a
powerful secret pleasure. But God sees,
and he honors such a man. Now let us think back to that question, “What are you doing to keep from
struggling with porn and lust?” If a man
is willing to be transparent, if he’s able to
articulate specific safeguards he is taking,
if he is open regarding temptations he
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faces and is willing to confess sinful lust
when it occurs, he has a built-in protection against a private lifestyle of sexual
sin and addiction. A man who becomes
willingly accountable to his wife is going to have a natural incentive not to sin
when temptation crosses his path (and
vice-versa when temptation crosses hers).
Personal accountability—that willingness to explain oneself at any and every
level—is a most powerful weapon in a
man’s arsenal of defense.
If, however, a man says that he really does not struggle, then know this: he
will—or, more likely, he does. This is the
unvarnished truth. The man who resists
transparency and accountability in this
area has hoisted a huge red flag. Take
it from those who work with men who
struggle with sexual sin and addiction. A
wife is foolish to ignore this.
A lifestyle of sexual sin is perhaps
the most secretive of all. It breeds deceit.
It is masterful at hiding. If a wife begins
to sense deceit, she should not ignore it.
There are other major red flags: a growing emotional distance in the marriage,
an abnormal increase or drop off in a
man’s sexual appetite, a sense that he is
not really “there” (engaged with his wife)
during the sex act, a growing attitude of
anger whereby a man becomes more demanding and blames his wife for all the
problems of their marriage, absences for
long unexplained periods, hours of time
spent on the internet while she is asleep,
an unwillingness to let her have access to
credit card and financial records. Counselors of sex addicts tell women to take
heed of these things; a woman’s instincts
will tell her that something is wrong,
even though she may not know exactly
what it is. A man can lie and keep his
sin so well hidden that a wife may never
see it coming. But oftentimes, looking
back she may recognize that there had
been signs. Sexual sin, unarrested and
unexposed, easily leads to some form of
sexual addiction, which brings us to our
final point.
Difference #6: Men are More Vulnerable than Women to Sexual Addiction.
This is not an article about sexual
addiction. But we must address it if
only briefly, for a wife is instrumental
in discerning the addiction and helping
in her husband’s recovery. At this point,
the smooth stone must become a sharp,
well-honed stone, as in “iron sharpening iron.”
Why is a wife’s role so urgent? It
is urgent because not only is the soul of
her husband at stake, but also the souls
of future generations—for patterns of
infidelity and the destruction that sexual
addiction brings can be passed down to
succeeding generations (cf. Exod 20:5).
Our children’s future lives are very much
at stake.
Can women become addicted to
sex? Yes, and more and more women
are. As culture declines, Romans 1 tells
us to expect women to act out sexually
in unnatural ways (v. 26). But men are
the ones who are most often convicted
of crimes connected with sex, such as
rape, child porn, sex abuse, and other
crimes of a sexual nature. Biologically,
the Y chromosome spurs the brain to
grow extra dopamine neurons, the cells
involved in reward and motivation, and
in their release, underlie the pleasure of
addiction and novelty seeking.
Does this excuse men? Far from
it. It does explain that secret sexual sin
can readily give way to sexual addiction
in a man.
Early Exposure, Adult Addiction
Research indicates that most sexual
addictions (but not all) begin early, usu-
101
ally in adolescence. It can start with an
“innocuous” early exposure to soft porn
during those formative years; then it can
easily progress from there.38 For the
men of my generation, that exposure
came most often from a father or older
brother’s porn stash, or perhaps from
that of a close relative or neighbor. Today,
predators bypass parents altogether, pursuing our children via the most innocent
of avenues, such as “My Space” websites
on the internet. One in five children ages
10–17 “inadvertently encounter explicit
sexual content,” and “the U.S. Justice
Department reports that nine out of ten
children are exposed to pornography
while doing their homework on-line.”39
Having a computer block is good, but it is
only one line of defense. Young people do
not have to own their own iPOD or video
cell-phones to access them. Besides, most
boys from Christian families are more
likely to view internet porn away from
their own homes. This is why dads must
frankly and openly address this subject
early on with their sons. One Christian
counselor of sex addicts estimated that 95
percent of his clients began their addiction in their developing adolescent years.
Research bears out his experience.
The Nature of Sex Addiction
Sexual addiction has the same
progressive traits as other addictions: (1)
a denial of the addiction, insisting that
the problem is really not a serious one;
(2) self-loathing and multiple vows to
change; (3) a craving for more stimulation with more frequency, accompanied
by a feeling of urgency, that one simply
cannot “go without”; (4) bolder steps
toward acting out in real life what is
being fantasized, since unhealthy sexual
sensation by its very nature becomes
less satisfying and requires more; (5) an
increasing inability to think rationally
102
or to consider consequences—even if
it means losing a job, a wife, a family, a
reputation.
In a Christian man, a split occurs,
for he is having to live two lives: one as
the good Christian man who loves his
wife and family, and the other as the
addict who cannot seem to keep himself from going deeper. Lying becomes
habitual, a skillful part of his everyday
existence. His heart has long since grown
cold towards God; he may not even truly
know God, having acted out a Christian
persona throughout his life because that
was what worked for him. Yet he carries on this lie, relying on grace and the
hope that at some point God will take
him back. He hopes that if and when he
marries a good woman, he will somehow
be delivered. But the best, most beautiful
wife cannot give him that selfish “rush”
to which he has become so addicted.
Such a man feels like half a person: one
man in public, another in private. It is a
torturous and ultimately disconnecting
existence. A wife can be doing her best,
but the addiction has now taken control.
Only God can awaken, convict, and turn
his heart.
When a wife discovers her husband’s sexual addiction, she is faced
with a painful decision. She feels deeply
hurt and betrayed; this is not the man
she thought she married. She may even
have a biblical right to divorce him. She
must ultimately come to two unalterable realizations. The first is that it is not
her fault. The second is that she cannot
change him. Both are equally difficult and
essential to embrace.
Once exposed, a sex addict will respond in one of two ways. The first kind
of man will become deeply convicted of
his sin and truly repentant. What is genuine repentance? Charles Spurgeon said
that a man’s repentance is evident only
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when his repentance is as great as the
sin he has committed. Thomas Watson
described godly repentance as “the vomiting of a man’s soul.” A truly repentant
man will confess to his wife and to those
significant others in his life who can help
him. He will “come clean,” fully and
completely. There will be no more hiding,
no more lies. If he is wise, he will include
his wife in the process of confession to
others, especially with friends who are
close to both husband and wife. If he is in
visible spiritual leadership, he will confess
to the entire church and, recognizing that
he has disqualified himself, he will step
down willingly from leadership. The goal
of his repentant confession is not to make
the front pages of the paper, but rather to
begin the hard biblical process that leads
to change and restoration. There will be a
notable humility, a brazenly honest spirit,
a willingness to do whatever it takes to
come out of his addiction, an attitude of
perseverance even when things get rough,
and a recognition that he will be vulnerable throughout the rest of his life.
The second kind of addict is more
tragic. Once caught, he will either angrily
deny his sin until the evidence is overwhelming, or simply minimize the seriousness of his sin, excusing it and often
blaming his addiction on someone else
(usually his wife). He may take outward
steps initially to make those around him
think that he has dealt with his sin, and
he may even have everyone “snowed.”
But there is no true remorse or long term
perseverance. Such feigned repentance is
indicative of a heart skilled at lying and
hardened at the core, able all the while
to maintain a well polished exterior. This
is a man who must be broken by God
or face tragic consequences. Whatever
category a sexual addict may fall into, the
question for his wife is this: What would
God have her to do?
Wife, Sister, and Friend
Sadly, what I am about to say is
rarely taught to our women; yet it is a
crucial underlying principle of marriage.
You are your husband’s friend and neighbor (Matt 22:39). And if your husband is
a believer, you are also his sister in Christ.
This means that every command that
applies to relationships between believers
applies to you (cf. 1 Cor 12:13–27). This
needs to be shouted from the mountaintops in every women’s ministry. God gives
a wife a certain responsibility towards
her friend and brother, her husband.
She must not be an enabler. Rather she
is called by God to be an agent for accountability and change in his life. This
is a profoundly important aspect of the
biblical relationship and responsibility to
this man she has married. Passages like
Ezek 3:18–19 (a sobering passage, which
says a man’s blood is on our hands if we
refuse to confront him about his sin).
James 5:19–20, Gal 6:1–5, and many
others, apply to the wife as her husband’s
sister and friend. Once she has learned
of his sinful lifestyle, she will be crushed
and heartbroken; she will feel irreparably
hurt and betrayed. Yet for his sake, God
may call her to be the Nathan in her
David’s life. If he refuses to confess to
those significant others who should be
a part of his restoration, tough true love
will say to him for his sake, “You can tell
them, or I can tell them. Which would
you have it to be?” A woman may end
up going through the biblical process
of discipline with the leadership of her
church, following Matt 18:15–17; 1 Tim
5:19–21, and Titus 3:10–11. It could
be the most difficult thing she has ever
done. But God will walk her through it
(Ps 23:4) and she will do it because she
cares about the soul of her husband. She
will do it because, “‘Stolen water is sweet;
and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.’ But
103
he does not know that the dead are there,
that her guests are in the depths of Sheol”
(Prov 9:17–18).
One woman whose husband betrayed her wrote this remarkable perspective:
Jesus Himself left the ninetynine to go after the one. Well,
didn’t the one wander off on
his own? Didn’t he, like most
stupid sheep, go his own way?
Yes, true to his nature, he
wandered; there he was on
his way to destruction. But
Jesus, being a good shepherd
went after him. . . . As I feebly
looked to the Lord and tried
to look beyond the physical,
temporal (pain), all I could
see was spiritual devastation!
He was ruined and on his
way to hell. This whole thing
took on a new perspective
for me. It really wasn’t about
me at all, but it was about a
man deceived by the enemy.
And that enemy wanted me
to become so wrapped up in
myself and my feelings and
my life that I would lose sight
of what was really going on.
Armed with this new perspective . . . I began to care on
a completely different level
than I had ever cared before.
The primary battle for the
hurting wife . . . is to look at
our situation with an eye to
the eternal.40
Conclusion
The subject of sexual addiction is
worthy of its own article. But it would
be unfair to leave you without hope in
what God can do. Countless couples
104
have recovered from situations in which
there was unimaginable betrayal, sexual
sin, and addiction. My husband and I
have met many of them, couples who
were once without any hope, yet by God’s
grace have been restored to a deep love
and trust, and actually have a stronger
marriage today than previously when
things were seemingly at their best.
They will testify that it was a long, hard
road. It took enormous humility, tender
teachability, extreme accountability, wise
counseling (meaning a willingness to pay
the price for this marriage in dollars),
profound forgiveness, and an enduring
perseverance. They recognized that recovery would be a long process requiring lifelong safeguards. Such restoration
takes lots and lots of time. But who is
counting the days when you know that
God is doing a good eternal work?
In the end, we can say that philandros is not easy. Nothing worthwhile
ever is. But it is unspeakably rewarding.
Blessed is the man whose wife understands and embraces his male sexuality
as a gift from the Creator of all good
things.
1
Brandon Cotter, CEO of www.PureOnline.com,
a website which counsels and equips men who are
trapped in sexual addiction.
2
The Village Pub 2 (2005): 1 (published by The Village
Church, thevillagechurch.net).
3
Jim Dyar, “Cyber-porn held responsible for increase
in sex addiction,” The Washington Times, 26 January
2000, A2.
4
According to ProtectKids.com, the March 2000 issue of the Pastor’s Family Bulletin from Focus on the
Family reported that 63 percent of men attending
“Men, Romance & Integrity Seminars” admitted to
struggling with porn in the previous year. Two-thirds
of these were in church leadership, and 10 percent
were pastors. It also reported that one in seven calls
to the Focus on the Family pastoral care line is about
internet pornography. See “Archive of Statistics on Internet Dangers” n.p. [accessed 24 July 2006]. Online:
http://www.protectkids.com/dangers/
statsarchive.htm.
5
David Hiltbrand, “On-Line—Out of Control,” n.p.
[accessed 24 July 2006]. Online: www.pornnomore.
com/OnLineoutofControl.htm.
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6
Archibald D. Hart, The Sexual Man (Dallas: Word,
1994), 20.
7
Ibid., 32.
8
Ibid., 22–23.
9
H. Norman Wright, What Men Want (Ventura, CA:
Regal, 1996), 93.
10
Ibid., 116.
11
Researchers who have done extensive studies on the
brains of men and women have learned that “women’s
perceptual skills are oriented to quick—call it intuitive—people reading. Females are gifted at detecting
the feelings and thoughts of others, inferring intentions, absorbing contextual clues and responding in
emotionally appropriate ways. They empathize. . . .
Such empathy fosters communication and primes
females for attachment” (See Hara Estroff Marano,
“The New Sex Scorecard,” Psychology Today Magazine,
July/August 2003).
12
Ibid.
13
Peg Tyre, “The Trouble with Boys,” Newsweek, 30
January 2006, 44–52.
14
Note: The following is compiled from my own
personal interviews of Christian marriage and sex
addiction counselors, along with the following studies: The Hart Report, by Dr. Archibald D. Hart (a
groundbreaking mid-1990s study based upon 600
surveys of sexually conservative men in the 30–50 age
group including many ministers, and incorporating
counseling data acquired from a 25 year period); a
nationwide mid-1990s study by H. Norman Wright
(who incorporated his own personal counseling data, a
questionnaire of 700 other counselors, and a survey of
men across the country); and three more recent studies done after the year 2000: (1) one by Chuck Cowan
of Analytic Focus (former chief of survey design at the
U. S. Census Bureau) and Cindy Ford, with the survey
team at Decision Analyst (this was a blind, random,
anonymous survey of 400 men across the country of
men aging 21–75); (2) a second follow-up survey by
Shaunti Feldhahn (nationally syndicated columnist
and graduate of Harvard) of 400 anonymous men
who are specifically churchgoers; (3) a third survey
done by Feldhahn and Decision Analyst, verifying the
first two studies and adding additional insights. Other
resources were studies reported in Psychology Today
as well as internet articles of studies by well-known
experts in the field of human sexuality.
15
Eighty-one percent of respondents in Hart’s study
among conservative Christian men said that they
believed it was physically possible for them to have
sex with someone they did not love. They did not say
they would, and many emphasized that based on their
moral value system they would not. On the other
hand, in all his years of counseling Hart never had a
female patient who agreed with this idea (see Hart,
The Sexual Man, 37–38).
16
Gen 2:24; Deut 17:17; Matt 19:4–6, 1 Thess 4:3–8;
Heb 13:4.
17
Prov 6:24–33; 7:5–27; 9:13–18.
18
Many women wonder if this means that a man’s
mind is irredeemable. Healing can occur and the
power of those images can be diminished. But such
images are a violent assault on the mind, not unlike
images of war or sexual abuse, and can reappear at
unsuspecting, vulnerable points in life.
19
Willard F. Harley, His Needs, Her Needs (Old Tappen,
NJ: Revell, 1986).
20
To use the analogy of eating, if you are consuming
10 meals a day (which we will make the equivalent
of requiring sex every night), you are way out of the
norm, and your appetite is probably being fueled in
an unhealthy way. On the other hand, if you are eating only two meals a week (which we will make the
equivalent of having sex only once every month or so),
then your marriage has become sexually anorexic.
21
Seventy-eight percent of men felt so strongly about
being the provider in their families, that they indicated they would want to work even if their wives were
capable of earning enough to completely support the
family’s lifesyle; 71 percent also said they live continually with the concern of failing in this area (Shuanti
Feldhahn, For Women Only [Sisters, OR: Multnomah,
2004], 77–78).
22
Michele Weiner Davis, The Sex-Starved Marriage
(New York, NY: Simon & Shuster, 2003), 23.
23
See Feldhahn, For Women Only: “(representative
quote from one married man) ‘Most married men
don’t want to abandon their wife to do guy things.
They want to do ‘guy things’ with their wife. They
want her to be their playmate.’ . . . (in my research) I
heard this over and over” (147). “The majority of men
actively enjoy and desire romance. In answer to the
question, ‘Regardless of whether you are able to plan
romantic events, or whether your wife/significant
other appreciates it, do you, yourself, desire romance?’,
84 percent said, ‘Yes, very much or, yes, somewhat.’ 14
percent said, ‘I can take it or leave it’, and 2 percent
said, ‘I don’t care for it.’”(139).
24
Ibid., 160–61.
25
Ibid., 173.
26
Ibid., 155–84.
27
Hart, The Sexual Man, 24.
28
Wright, What Men Want, 21–31.
29
Tyre, “The Trouble with Boys.”
30
A few ground rules: (1) For those now living in
great emotional distance, pick your first moments:
a quiet meal; a week-end retreat together; an uninterrupted time after the kids are asleep and the TV
is turned off; a quiet satisfying time after you have
had sex. (2) Go slow. (3) Start with outer concrete
needs (as Jesus did), with things that are tangible
and on the surface—his career, his goals in life, his
concerns, fears, disappointments about these. (4) Ask
about your children. Discuss your children and his
perspective on them. Then ask about your marriage.
How is he feeling about your life together? Does he
feel respected by you? Does he ever feel neglected by
you, frustrated? What does he need most from you?
How does he feel about your sex life? Receive what
he says; validate what he is feeling. (5) As he feels
105
understood and verified, you can safely venture into
the harder, deeper places of the heart: What was his
childhood like? What brought him happiness in his
childhood? What was hard for him? How did he feel
about himself growing up, about his parents’ marriage,
about his relationship with his dad, his mom, his
siblings? What experiences were traumatic for him?
How does this affect him now, with you, with God,
with your children? Be prepared for initial denial of
early hurt and pain. God will lead you as you venture
into the deeper part of your husband’s heart, and he
will enable you to probe, draw out, even put “words”
to those feelings that make up his inner core.
31
Larry Crabb, The Silence of Adam (Grand Rapids:
Zondervan, 1995), 11, 12.
32
Note: What does your husband not understand
about you? He does not understand that most women
have a lower sex drive than men (this is the norm),
while some women may actually have a stronger sex
drive than their husbands (this is the exception). An
increasing number of women are actually unhealthy
in this area—being “undersexed.” He needs to understand why this might be: early abuse or betrayal,
depression, childbirth (in which hormonal changes
are significant and vaginal nerve endings can be damaged or literally cut, causing sexual desensitization).
He needs to know that your natural sexual response
is affected by/contingent on certain needs being
met. You need to feel loved, valued, understood; that
you and your marriage are more important to him
than even his work; that he will do whatever it takes
(includes spending money on marital counseling) to
communicate and work through these deep issues together. Your top three needs are (according to Harley)
affection, conversation, and honesty and openness. If
these are unmet, it directly affects a woman’s sexual
response. Women are not usually ready for sex at the
same time that men are; they need sex less frequently;
their deepest desire is that physical intercourse be an
expression of honest verbal intercourse. Women prefer
quality over quantity; they are aroused by sensitive
actions (this floors men); they are not as adventurous sexually and like a softer physical environment
(soft light, etc.); they need time, much more time.
Ultimately, every woman needs to feel absolutely no
pressure to perform; she needs patience, kindness,
tenderness. Sex and love are intricately connected
with women. This is hard for a man to grasp, but very
enlightening to men.
33
Paul Tournier, To Understand Each Other (Atlanta:
John Knox, 1987), 46.
34
Ibid., 13.
35
John Piper, Future Grace (Sisters, OR: Multnomah),
1995, 331–33 (italics in original).
36
Ibid., 331.
37
Some scholars have proposed that the traits of “joy,
peace, patience, etc.” of this passage are actually an
outworking of the first trait, “love.” I tend to agree
with them; sexual self-control in marriage is certainly
an expression of love.
106
38
Hart’s study underscored what many other studies
have found, that young males have their sexual beliefs
and attitudes shaped by pornography, with exposure
often beginning at age thirteen. The more repressive
and unexpressive a child’s home is, the more vulnerable he appears to be. The gateway to addiction is masturbation. Research shows that if a young man who is
regularly masturbating is not looking at porn, he will
be—for one feeds on the other. Since a real woman
cannot possibly measure up to the air-brushed, colorenhanced photographs (especially with the newest
“virtual” pornography entering cyberspace), a young
man’s appetite simply increases with use.
39
“Research Shows Early Porn Exposure Has Lasting Effects,” American Family Association Journal, 21
April 2006. Online: http://headlines.agapepress.
org/archive/4/afa/212006g.asp.
40
Kathy Gallagher, “Wives Protecting Themselves,”
Pure Life Ministries. Online: http://www.afa.net.
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JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 107-115
Into the
Mainstream1
Mary Kassian
Distinguished Professor of Women’s Studies
The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary,
Author, Speaker
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
The women . . . had neither
adopted nor rejected feminism. Rather, it had seeped
into their minds like intravenous saline into the arm
of an unconscious patient.
They were feminists without
knowing it.2
bottomed pantsuit found at the back of
their mother’s [sic] closets.”4 Few of these
women had read Betty Friedan’s The
Feminine Mystique or any other feminist
pop classic for that matter. Nor did they
belong to any feminist organizations.
But, according to Crittenden, they were
feminists nonetheless:
In 1989 a publisher approached
twenty-seven-year-old writer Danielle
Crittenden to write a book about why
feminism had lost its appeal, particularly
to women under thirty. These were the
“daughters of the revolution,” those on
whose behalf liberation had been sought
but who appeared to be “rather ungratefully bored by the whole thing.”3
Crittenden, in order to understand
the state of the feminist movement,
drove around eastern Canada and the
northeastern United States interviewing young female students—mostly at
universities. She found that most young
women ardently reacted to the label
“feminist”—“as if it were an orange bell-
The young people of their
generation had been made
the laboratory mice for the
numerous social experiments
of the past 20 years: infant
day care and no-fault divorce;
textbooks illustrated with
little girls flying planes and
little boys doing the vacuuming; coed shop classes instead
of home economics; the frank
discussions about condoms
with high school gym teachers. Their brains, meanwhile,
had been irradiated with a
mishmash of feminist cultural messages, from the proudly
107
menstruating teenage heroines of Judy Blume novels to
the supportive articles about
single mothers in the Sunday
life-style section to the audience applause on Donahue
for the woman who left her
husband and three kids in
Minnesota to realize herself
as a potter in Santa Fe.
The women I interviewed
had neither adopted nor
rejected feminism. Rather, it
had seeped into their minds
like intravenous saline into
the arm of an unconscious
patient. They were feminists
without knowing it.5
Over the past few years, “The Decline of Feminism” has been the tedious
subject of afternoon talk shows and
long, emotive articles in women’s magazines. But the apparent lull in activism
should not be interpreted as a decrease
in feminism’s overall social power. As a
popular movement, feminism seems in
decline only because it has been so wildly
effective. All the major institutions of
society—businesses, government, universities—have absorbed feminism’s tenets.
There are women’s studies departments
at universities, women’s directorates,
status of women councils, sex-harassment boards, and board of education
committees on “gender-free” curricula in
the school system. Ideas that were once
considered radical or bizarre are now
conventional. Feminism as a movement
appears to be in decline only because it
has been so thoroughly integrated into
our cultural mind-set. Recently officials
at the National Action Committee on
the Status of Women said the thirty-twoyear-old Canadian feminist organization
was broke. But prominent feminist Judy
108
Rebick is not dismayed, for she recognizes
that today’s young women “are feminists
whether they call themselves feminists or
not.”6 The philosophy of feminism hasn’t
declined. On the contrary, it is more
“alive” than ever before. Feminism hasn’t
died—it’s just gone mainstream.
Mainstreaming the Agenda
The social and political agenda of
the feminist movement expanded as the
philosophy of the movement evolved.
Women initially wanted to overcome
their biological differences in order to be
equal with (i.e., the same as) men. They
thus sought legal freedom for abortion,
changes in marriage and divorce law,
tax reform, universal daycare, pay equity,
affirmative action in employment, and
changes in language.
In the second phase of development, their agenda expanded. Women
were becoming proud of their differences.
They shifted attention from naming
themselves to naming their world. They
emphasized female strengths—women’s
capacity for love, acceptance, peace, and
empathy— and added issues such as
nuclear disarmament, militarism, homosexual rights, aboriginal rights, women’s
art, women-centered politics, and feminist interpretive law to the list.
Finally feminism moved into a
third phase of spiritual awareness. Esoteric metaphysics, which asserts woman’s
divine connectedness with nature, motivated feminist women to direct their energy toward saving the earth. Ecological
awareness, pollution, animal rights, and
rain forest preservation were, therefore,
added to the feminist agenda.
By the time feminism had reached
its third phase of development, its earlier
goals were well on their way to being
realized. North American society had
moved toward accepting and integrat-
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ing the feminist view of abortion, daycare,
divorce, sexual liberty, and affirmative
action into common policy. The agenda
of the second phase had also progressed
toward mainstream integration. At that
point the movement lost its distinction.
Further distinction was lost as third phase
feminists turned their attention to other
problems that could not be categorized as
“belonging to women.”
Feminists are becoming difficult to
identify, not because they do not exist, but
because their philosophy has been integrated into mainstream society so thoroughly
that it is virtually indistinguishable from
mainstream. This is not to say that there
has been a decline in feminism. Far from
it! Organized secular feminist groups still
exist. They are in large measure funded by
government dollars and justify their existence (and their funding) by addressing the
remaining legal and social barriers for the
phase one and two feminist agendas.
Some of the key issues addressed by
the National Organization for Women in
2004 were
•Abortion Rights/ Reproductive Rights (Opposing fetal
rights legislation, protecting
Roe vs. Wade, supporting
RU-486 Mifepristone)
•Affirmative Action
•Constitutional Equality
(Equal Rights Amendment)
•Economic Equity (Pay
Equity)
•Fighting the Right
•Judicial Nominations
•Lesbian Rights
•Media Activism
•Protecting Title IX
•Violence Against Women
•Women in the Military
•Promoting Young
Feminism
NOW’s five official priorities for
2004 were the passing of an equal rights
amendment to the U. S. Constitution,
opposing racism, advocating for abortion
and reproductive rights, supporting lesbian and gay rights, and ending violence
against women.
In feminism, as in any major social/
political/religious movement, the radical
end of the philosophy provides the driving impetus. Furthermore, the thoughts
that are radical at one point become the
accepted, integrated norm for future
generations. The feminist philosophy
proposed by first phase feminism—radical as it was—has now become conventional wisdom. Phase two woman-centered analysis is also broadly accepted
by society. Furthermore, the feminist
spirituality— that seemed so brash when
introduced in the late 1970s—has progressed from being viewed as radical and
deviant to being included in the spectrum
of normative belief.
Mainstreaming Feminist Spirituality
The mauve and gray seminar room
is filled with women dressed in business
coordinates. An oblong table, draped
with lace cloth, is positioned on a slightly
raised platform in the center of the room.
Were it not for the tall candles, the heady
aroma of incense, and the music emanating from sophisticated stereo speakers,
this would appear to be nothing more
than a respectable professional conference or executive business meeting. But
the table looks suspiciously like an altar,
and the lyrics sung by the flute-accompanied female chorus intimate the true
purpose of this gathering:
Oh, great spirit, earth, sun,
sky and sea.
You are inside and all
around me.
109
The anthem softly echoes over
and over again, until a woman—smartly
dressed in a black skirt and coordinating
pink and black jacket— takes her place in
a director’s chair in front of the altar.
“This is the third Women’s Empowerment Night,” she says. “We will
start with the closed-eye process.”
On cue, all the women in the room
close their eyes while the music picks up
again, and a new choir sings:
Goddess of grace, goddess of
strength,
keeper of the creative force. . . .
Goddess of Love, I long to be
one with you.
Teach me to be a goddess too.7
This snapshot is not of a leatherfringed, metal-studded, or nude countercultural group of social misfits partaking
in some ritual in a hidden enclave. All
these women, aged twenty-five to fortyfive, are highly educated middle- and
upper-class professionals. They have each
paid admission to enter this respected
center of education. The Omega Centre
of Self-Discovery, with its bookstore and
seminar rooms decked out with tweed
and chrome armchairs, is on the edge
of Toronto’s high-rent Yorkville district,
across the road from a Mercedes Benz
service center and two minutes from the
posh department store Holt Renfrew.
The Women’s Empowerment
Night is one of thousands of events that
take place every day across the continent. The Big Sisters Association does
exercises in “brain gym” at their annual
conference. The Cancer Society runs “creative visualization” classes. The Y.W.C.A.
sponsors women’s empowerment retreat
weekends. Law classes at universities
educate prospective lawyers in women’s
concerns and help them contact their
110
“deep selves.” Feminist spirituality has
gone mainstream.
In 2003 The Da Vinci Code, a book
“re-imagining” Mary Magdalene and her
role in Christianity, topped the New York
Times best-seller list for thirty-six weeks,
with 4.3 million copies in print. The Da
Vinci Code is revisionist fiction that challenges the traditional “male misreading”
of biblical texts. The book is essentially
a feminist attempt to extract a useable
“her-story” from the Bible and other
existing historic documents. Relying on
the Gnostic Gospels, which the compilers of the New Testament denounced
as heretical, the book claims that Mary
Magdalene was actually Jesus’ intimate
female partner. After the Resurrection,
she became a leader within the church
and a rival of the apostle Peter. According
to this revisionist history, Mary Magdalene had a greater understanding of the
teachings of Jesus than his male apostles
did. Her importance was suppressed by
the patriarchal authorities who favored a
males-only clergy.
The implication of The Da Vinci
Code is that gender warfare lies at the
heart of Christianity and that if Mary’s
faction had triumphed, the history and
structure of the church would have been
radically inclusive of women. It is significant that this book, which so clearly promotes feminist theology, has been so embraced by mainstream culture. Most men
and women reading the book wouldn’t
dream of calling themselves “feminists.”
But the philosophy the book espouses is
feminist through and through.
An article in Newsweek, reflecting
on The Da Vinci Code phenomenon, announced that God was having “woman
trouble.”8 Across the continent, women
of all faiths are exploring “fresh research”
and “new insights” about women’s historical role and importance in the Christian
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faith. They are demanding their right to
be part of formulating church doctrine
and theology. A slew of literary interpretations of women’s Bible stories, such
as Anita Biamant’s 1997 bestseller, The
Red Tent, are hitting the popular market. These events are having a marked
effect on religion. Worshipers in every
denomination are beginning to accept
the feminist precept that patriarchy
has shaped doctrine and that Christian
doctrine—even the very canon of Scripture—needs to be revised to include the
long-suppressed female point-of-view.
Newsweek cites the example of a twentysix-year-old female college student, attending a Baptist church, who reported
that The Da Vinci Code raised troubling
questions for her about how women’s
contributions to early Christianity were
suppressed by church leaders. “My faith
was really shaken.” She told Newsweek,
“I started doing a lot of research on my
own.” Learning more about the neglected
female perspective of Christianity made
her feel “closer to God.”9
Even the music industry has been
affected by feminist spirituality. In 2002
Columbia Records released an album
by country music icon Travis Tritt that
croons, “God must be a woman.” 10
Though it may not be identified as such,
feminism is a new mainstream religion
in our culture.
Mainstreaming the Image
Girl power. Powerpuff Girls. Guntoting, butt-kicking tomb raider. Terminatrix. Sex and the City. Hollywood
has totally inundated us with feminist
images of what it means to be a woman.
The Hollywood/feminist paradigm portrays girls as the aggressors. Women are
beautiful, sexual, uninhibited, independent, powerful, and above all—in control.
According to the image, today’s woman
pursues, seduces, uses, and discards men
according to her own personal whims.
As country/pop icon Shania Twain
confidently vows, “I’m gonna getcha,
baby—I’m gonna getcha good!”
Today’s woman is entitled to have
it all: what she wants, when she wants,
and how she wants it. She has absolutely
no need of men, though if she so desires,
she may use them to cater to her own
sexual desires. Today’s woman knows and
exercises her rights. No one tells her how
to act or what to do! She is a woman—a
goddess—and that gives her the right to
decide for herself what is right.
Millions of viewers watching
MTV’s 2003 Twentieth Annual Video
Music Awards witnessed firsthand the
implications of this paradigm. Britney
Spears and Christina Aguilera opened
the show dressed in skimpy white bridal
corsets, singing Madonna’s classic hit
“Like a Virgin.” Madonna, wearing a
black tuxedo, then stepped out of an
oversized wedding cake. During the
performance, Madonna suggestively
caressed the other two female singers. The performance culminated with
Madonna giving Spears and Aguilera
an extended, open-mouthed, erotic kiss.
The underlying pulse of lesbian sexuality
was unmistakable. Though undoubtedly
a publicity stunt, the act epitomized the
feminist concept of what it means to be
a fully liberated woman.
Just a few months later, during the
Superbowl XXVIII half-time show, the
general viewing public was subjected to
another sexually charged image of the
liberated woman. Janet Jackson, dressed
in a tight, black leather gladiator outfit,
stood center stage in a spread-leg dominant stance, suggestively inviting Justin
Timberlake, the servile-yet-sexual male,
to cater to her. On cue Timberlake tore
the cut-out of her gladiator outfit, reveal-
111
ing Jackson’s bare breast, adorned with a
shiny silver sun goddess nipple ornament.
The imagery is not insignificant.
The mantra of Helen Reddy’s 1970
smash-hit song—“I am strong, I am
invincible, I AM WOMAN! (Hear me
ROAR!)”—has now been integrated into
popular culture and into the collective
female psyche. Women definitely have,
in the words of the popular Marlboro ad,
“come a long way, baby!” Today’s young
women are domineering and demanding.
They use their “girl power” to dominate,
lure, control, use, and punish men. The
“National College Health Risk Behavior Survey,” undertaken by the federal
Centers for Disease Control just prior
to the new millennium, indicated that
sixty-seven percent of female and fiftysix percent of male college students were
sexually active in the three-month period
leading up to the survey, with five percent of women and ten percent of men
reporting they had engaged in sex with
three or more partners in that period of
time.11 What is astonishing about this
study is that the sexually active women
outnumbered the sexually active men by
more than ten percent.
Woman’s liberation has empowered
women to be brash and bold and sexual
without inhibition. The girls have gone
wild—much to the delight of Joe Francis,
owner of Mantra Films, who in 2002 sold
$90 million worth of Girls Gone Wild
videos. A camera crew patrols an area in
search of women who agree to expose
their bodies and even perform sexual
acts in exchange for a T-shirt. There is no
shortage of female volunteers. Exposing
the body is a mark of female pride and
power. Today’s young women cater to
a pornographic culture. They wear less
and take it off more often. And it is their
personal decision to do so. Ultimately,
therefore, the trend is merely an example
112
and outworking of feminist thinking.
“A new generation of feminists has
stepped up to the plate,” proclaims a fullcover feature in my morning paper.12 The
new feminist is sexual as well as independent—epitomized by Sarah Jessica Parker
in the TV series Sex in the City and Uma
Thurman in the movie Kill Bill. Today’s
feminists can wear navel-baring T-shirts
and proclaim themselves as “Hotties” or
“Porn Stars.” Young girls are taught that
the ultimate expression of “girl power” is
exhibited in a girl’s sexual prowess and
unabashed pride in her body.
The feminist ideal espouses a
woman’s need for a career. In the past,
homemaking was regarded as a noble
and viable occupation, but now women
who do not pursue higher education are
deemed to have wasted their potential.
Paid employment is regarded as the only
type of work with significant social worth.
Work in the home and caring for children
has been devalued—relegated to the
domain of the menial. Pushing women
out of the home into the workforce was
feminism’s way of giving women more
choice. But it has, in essence, given them
less. It has created an economic culture in
which few women are able to choose to
stay home to nurture their families. For
some, the economic reality makes this
choice virtually impossible. But according
to the feminist ideal, a woman can have it
all—a high-powered career, happy, welladjusted children, and a healthy marriage
(having a husband is, of course, optional).
She can climb the corporate ladder, help
her children with homework, drive them
to extra-curricular events, pursue personal
hobbies, develop professionally, volunteer
in the community, connect with friends
and family, and have the time and energy
left over to stay fit, sexually attractive, and
sexually active. After all, she is strong and
invincible. She is woman.
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A Change in Default
Nowadays, proposing that men
are more suited to provide for their families or to be in such occupations as the
military, law enforcement, fire fighting,
or chief executive officers of corporations—or that mothers are more suited
to nurture young children—would be
tantamount to cultural heresy. Suggesting to young women in grade school that
they dress modestly and refrain from being the initiator in girl-guy relationships
would be met with wide-eyed disbelief.
Intimating that affirmative action and
gender quotas are harmful to the workplace or that textbooks should be filled
with images of fathers as providers and
mothers as caregivers would be met with
incredulity.
Even within the church, those
who believe that God has given men
and women unique roles are regarded as
outdated, anachronistic throwbacks to a
less-enlightened era. And not only has
the church been feminized with regard
to gender roles, but it is also beginning
to promote the feminist perspective
with regard to the nature and character
of God. “Inclusive” images of God are
becoming more and more commonplace.
At Cornerstone, an annual festival of the
Christian arts, attended by 27,000 evangelical youth, Mimi Haddad, president of
the evangelical organization Christians
for Biblical Equality (CBE), proposed
that God could be called “Mother” as
well as “Father.”13 Her radical, unorthodox suggestion was met with scarcely a
blink. The “default setting” of cultural
belief has changed. We all—to one extent or another—are “feminists without
knowing it.”
The mainstreaming of feminist
thought has profound implications for
the church. Over the past ten years, the
ordination of women (and homosexu-
als) to the office of elder/bishop/pastor,
inclusive language, womanist liturgy,
feminist theology, and feminist hermeneutics have become commonplace. Even
the evangelical church has witnessed
popularization of the ordination of
women, inclusive language, and most recently challenges and changes to historic
Trinitarian doctrine. But by far, the most
noticeable shift in the church in the past
ten years is in the “default” understanding
of male and female roles. In generations
past, individuals generally understood
and accepted that God assigned the male
a unique spiritual role in the governance
and guidance of the home and church.
Distinctive, complementary roles for
male and female were supported in both
thought and practice. By default, complementarity was regarded as the right, good,
and natural order of creation.
The feminist tsunami changed all
that. Feminism maintains that equality
necessitates role interchangeability—a
woman cannot be a man’s equal unless
she can assume the same role as he. This
philosophy of egalitarianism is well on
its way to thorough acceptance in the
evangelical church. Egalitarianism maintains that there is no unique position of
spiritual authority reserved for men in the
church or home. Women can and ought
to assume all positions freely.
Egalitarianism is the “default setting” of the new millennium. In the past,
people in the church were complementarian until they volitionally decided to
be egalitarian. Now, for the most part,
they are egalitarian until they volitionally
decide to be complementarian. What this
means for the evangelical church is that
the biblical pattern of complementarity
is no longer the standard. Whereas in
the past, complementarity could generally be “caught,” the new cultural milieu
dictates that it must now be “taught.” The
113
default belief of the average churchgoer
has changed.
The Ripple Effect
It is a quiet reform movement
that is unstoppable. In two or
three generations from now it
won’t even be an issue.
Gilbert Bilezikian
(Evangelical Egalitarian
Theologian)
We are entering into an era in which
feminist precepts are largely accepted by
default. This has profound implications
for the evangelical church. In the past, the
feminist agenda was pursued by a small
but radical group of theologians devoted
to the cause. But now the agenda is being
furthered by pastors and theologians who
would not consider themselves feminists
at all and who would, in fact, be quite
aghast to be labeled as such. There is, for
example, a well-meaning attempt to “update” the church’s language: “Patriarchal”
hymns and liturgies are being purged.
Christian publishers enforce strict “gender-inclusive” language guidelines upon
their authors. Some Bible publishers are
even changing their translations to make
them more gender-inclusive than the
original text—for example, Today’s New
International Version of the Bible. These
changes at first glance appear small and
justified. However, I believe that those
who adopt feminist philosophy—even
unwittingly— are placing themselves
on the side of a divide that will lead far
away from the Christianity of the Bible.
Feminism is a watershed issue. It is to
the evangelical church of the new millennium what liberalism was to the church
in decades past.
114
A Watershed Issue
The Continental Divide is an
imaginary line running north to south
along the uppermost ridge of the North
American Rocky Mountains. When the
snow falls on the ground, it lies on the
ridge in a seemingly unbroken unity.
However, the unity is an illusion, for upon
melting, the snow will flow in opposite
directions—west to the Pacific Ocean
or east to the Atlantic. At first the snow
lies side by side, but then, based on the
slightest difference in position, it ends up
in separate oceans—thousands of miles
apart. A clear line can be drawn between
what seems at first to be the same or at
least very close but ultimately ends in a
very different position.
I believe that this illustration is an
accurate description of the situation in
evangelicalism today. Feminism is, to the
evangelical church, a watershed issue. In
order to introduce feminist concepts into
Christianity, basic beliefs regarding the
inspiration and authority of Scripture
need to be adjusted. Christians who accept feminist precepts may appear very
close in doctrine and theology to those
who do not, but if they follow the precepts
consistently, the process of time will see
them at a destination far from traditional
evangelical belief. Just like the snow that
lies side by side, the two current philosophies of evangelicalism— egalitarianism
and complementarianism—will melt
and flow into separate valleys, rivers, and
finally into distant oceans thousands of
miles apart.
1
From The Feminist Mistake: The Radical Impact of
Feminism on Church and Culture by Mary Kassian,
rev. ed. copyright 2005, pages 279–90. Used by
permission of Crossway Books, a ministry of Good
News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187, www.
crossway.com.
2
Danielle Crittenden, “Let’s Junk the Feminist Slogans: The War’s Over,” Chatelaine (August 1990):
38.
3
Ibid., 37.
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4
Ibid., 38.
Ibid (emphasis added).
6
Joanne Lucius, “Not Your Mother’s Feminism,” Ottawa Citizen. Published in the Edmonton Journal, 21
March 2004, D3.
7
Patricia Davies, “Mysticism Goes Mainstream,”
Chatelaine (March 1990): 86-88.
8
Kenneth L. Woodward, “God’s Woman Trouble,”
Newsweek, 8 December 2003. Online: http://www.
msnbc.com/news/99453.asp?0cb=313195047.
9
Barbara Kantrowits and Anne Underwood, “The
Bible’s Lost Stories,” Newsweek, 8 December 2003.
Online: http://www.msnbc.com/news/999077.asp.
10
Vernon Rust, “God Must Be a Woman,” from the
album by Travis Tritt, Strong Enough, Columbia
Records, 2002.
11
Katherine M. Skiba, “College Dating: Bars, booze
and one-night stands,” Milwaukee Journal Sentinel,
13 April 1997). Online: http://www.jsonline.com/
news/sunday/lifestyle/o413sex.html.
12
Joanne Lucius, “Not Your Mother’s Feminism,”
Ottawa Citizen. Published in the Edmonton Journal,
21 March 2004, D3.
13
Julia Bloom, “Biblical Equality Finds Platform at
Rock Festival,” Mutuality (Fall 2002): 16. Haddad
gave a four-part seminar at the festival entitled
“Forgotten People, Overlooked Language: Women
Leaders and Feminine Images of God.”
5
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JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 116-127
Practicing
Biblical Hospitality
Patricia A. Ennis
Establishing Chairperson, Professor of Home Economics-Family and Consumer Sciences
The Master’s College
Santa Clarita, California
Whether enjoying personal devotions, a Bible study, or a worship service,
what mental images emerge when you
are presented with the passages that
encourage the practicing of hospitality?
For many, the images are based on the
glossy photos in women’s magazines—an
immaculate home, a gourmet menu,
and an exquisite table setting. While
some of these images could be applied
to biblical hospitality, what they actually
portray is entertaining. When hospitality is described in the Scriptures, there
is an absence of instructions relating to
the home décor, menu, or table setting
and an abundance of directives about
the character, home, and guest list of the
hostess.
John 14:15 and 21–24 clearly state
the primary evidence that individuals
are Christians and that they love their
heavenly Father is their choice to obey
his commands. Though we live in a world
that promotes “have things your own
way,” I learned that to please my heavenly
Father I need to respond to all of his
116
instructions with an obedient spirit, not
just pick those that appeal to me—and
that includes my response to what his
Word teaches about hospitality.
Romans 12:13b says I am to practice hospitality. According to Hebrews, I
am even to “pursue the love of strangers”
(Heb 13:2)—not simply offer hospitality
to my friends. If I want to demonstrate
obedience to my heavenly Father, I will
choose to practice hospitality.
First Peter 4:9 builds on the instruction to practice hospitality and
reminds me that my attitude is of utmost
importance—I am to practice hospitality
without complaining! This verse challenges me to search my heart to discern
whether I am approaching this opportunity to minister with a “hearty attitude”
(see Col 3:23).
I am reminded in Heb 13:2 that
my willingness to extend hospitality may
have far-reaching implications. If I study
the lives of Abraham and Sarah (Gen
18:1–3), Lot (Gen 19:1–2), Gideon ( Judg
6:11–24), and Manoah ( Judg 13:6–20), I
FALL 2006
learn that all entertained strangers who
were actually special messengers from
God. While my motive should never be
to give so that I will receive, Luke 6:38
clearly states that the measuring cup I use
to dispense my gifts and talents will be
the same one used to provide my needs.
What is the size of your hospitalitymeasuring cup?
Third John 7–8 challenges me to
extend hospitality to those involved in
ministry for our Lord. It is exciting
to know that as I share my home and
resources with our Lord’s servants I become an active part of their ministry.
Biblical Hospitality and Your
Character
The desire to encourage twenty-first
century society to embrace some form of
ethical values is evident in the establishment of numerous secular organizations,
including the Josephson Institute, whose
sole purpose is to remind the culture that
“character does count.”1 Their literature
suggests that a person of character
•Is a good person, someone
to look up to and admire.
•Knows the difference between right and wrong and
always tries to do what is
right.
•Sets a good example for
everyone.
•Makes the world a better
place.
•Lives according to the “Six
Pillars of Character”: trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring and
citizenship.2
As a member of twenty-first century society, I can certainly affirm their definition of a person of character. However,
as I ponder the definition, I find myself
searching for a standard by which to measure my application of it. Because I am a
Christian first and a member of society
second, I am blessed to have the Word of
God as a standard that challenges me to
cultivate a lifestyle that conforms me to
the only person who exhibited character
in its purest form—Jesus Christ. Daily it
is my prayer that I can say to those whose
lives I touch, “Be imitators of me, just as
I also am of Christ” (1 Cor 11:1).
Since we are blending hospitality
and character, let us take a survey of the
Scriptures and create a word collage of
what a person of character, who desires
to practice biblical hospitality, might look
like. Our collage could be labeled
A Person Of Christian Character Who
Practices Biblical Hospitality Is . . .
H—Humble
Humility is the opposite of selfsufficiency and is a necessary prerequisite
if I am going to be of service to my heavenly Father. I can exercise humility by
choosing to step out of my “comfort zone”
and invite individuals into my home with
whom I may not be totally at ease or
those who may have unrealistic expectations about the event (1 Pet 5:5b).
O—Obedient
The primary evidence that individuals are Christians is their choice to
obey all of their Father’s commands. I
demonstrate obedience by obeying all
of my Father’s commands that focus on
hospitality (1 Sam 15:22b).
S—Sincere
“Genuine,” as well as an “absence
117
of deceit or hypocrisy,” describes sincere
actions. I will “stay on my knees” (pray)
until I can extend sincere invitations (2
Cor 1:12).
P—Prayerful
Prayer—that is, communicating
with my heavenly Father, shows my
desire for his direction about and dependence on him for the event. I resolve to
pray about all aspects of the events that
I plan (1 Thess 5:17).
I—Interested in Integrity
Integrity is choosing to do what is
right when given a choice between right
and wrong, even when it is unpopular.
I will choose to adhere to my heavenly
Father’s standards, regardless of what
the mainstream of society is doing (Ps
25:21).
T—Trustworthy
A trustworthy home provides an
ambience of trust and confidence. I will
study Elizabeth’s life (Luke 1:39–56) as
a model for my life (Prov 31:11).
A—Adopted into God’s Family
Adoption is making a conscious
choice legally to integrate an individual
into another’s home and nurturing him/
her as if he/she were their biological
child. I will choose, through the strength
of the Holy Spirit, to behave in a way
that reflects my royal heritage, so that
my guests will observe a bit of “heaven
on earth” in my home (Rom 8:15).
L—Led by the Spirit
Being led by the Spirit literally
means keeping in step with the Holy
Spirit. I will purpose to allow the Spirit
to lead me so I will not carry out the desire of my flesh (Rom 8:14; Gal 5:16).
118
I—Instrumental in Producing
Righteousness
Instrumental in producing righteousness suggests bringing “every
thought captive to the obedience of
Christ” (2 Cor 10:5) and refusing to fret
or worry about anything (Phil 4:6–8).
I must control what I think about and
purpose to be spiritually renewed by
humbly presenting my concerns to my
loving heavenly Father—even when the
hospitality event appears to be beyond
my capabilities (Rom 6:13).
T—Thankful
Being thankful is an act of the will
that generates the giving of thanks to
God—regardless of the circumstances. I
choose to learn to be content regardless
of my circumstances (Phil 2:11b; Col
3:15).
Y—Yielded
Possessing a willingness to yield to
my heavenly Father’s specific instructions
to his children in relation to practicing
hospitality. I demonstrate my love to him
by choosing to embrace his instructions
with my whole heart—and that is when
my joy is complete (Rom 6:19; 1 John
1:4; 2 John 12).
The words of Russell Cronkhite,
former executive chef of Blair House,
the guesthouse of the president of the
United States, offer a fitting conclusion
to this section:
Hospitality is a wonderful
gift. We don’t need a grand
palace, or a dream home—
few of us have those. To make
others feel truly welcome, we
only need an open heart and
the greater beauty of love
expressed.3
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Only as I allow my heavenly Father
to refine my character will I possess the
heart of a Christian hostess that allows
genuine love to be expressed in my home.
As you read the words below, would you
say that you are a Christian woman who
has the heart of a hostess?
The Heart of the Christian Hostess4
If I am a Christian woman who
teaches other women about their scriptural responsibility to practice hospitality but lack the motivation to apply the
teachings to my life, I am arrogant (1
Cor 8:1).
And though I know about the
women of the Bible who practiced hospitality but fail to emulate their model, I
am nothing (1 Cor 10:11).
If I pursue Christian ministry and
stay up all night preparing a theologically
correct Bible study but fail to open my
home to others, I am neglecting the New
Testament commands to pursue hospitality (Rom 12:13a).
A Christian hostess is gracious
(Prov 11:16) even when others are not.
She believes that the biblical instructions
to pursue hospitality are as relevant today
as the day they were written and seeks
to integrate into her daily life the teaching of home being “a prepared place” for
her family, friends, and strangers ( John
14:2b).
A Christian hostess gleans insight
from God’s Word that motivates her to
develop an open heart to entertaining a
variety of kinds of guests (Rom 2:11), a
tongue that speaks wisdom and kindness
to them (Prov 31:26), and a submissive
spirit that provides hospitality without
grumbling (1 Pet 4:9).
She takes seriously the mandate of
Titus 2:3–5 and intentionally acquires
instruction in time management, family
finance, nutrition, food preparation, and
the art of hospitality so that God’s Word
is not discredited.
As for professional contacts, they
will diminish in importance; as for speaking opportunities, they will be presented
and the content forgotten; as for strategic
social events, they will occur and the
memories will fade; but the woman who
develops the heart of a hostess will be
blessed because she chose to fulfill the
New Testament commands to practice
hospitality (3 John 1:8; 1 Tim 3:1, 2; and
Titus 1:7, 8).
So, both the Christian woman and
the Christian woman who has the heart
of a hostess abide in the Christian community; however, the Christian woman
who has the heart of a hostess cultivates
a lifestyle that reflects her values and a
character that aligns her with the Word
of God.
Biblical Hospitality and Your Home
What is a home? To the architect,
it is an amalgamation of design features.
To the contractor, it is the assembly of an
assortment of building materials, while
to the interior designer, it is a backdrop
for the aesthetic application of color,
texture, fabrics, and accessories. A home
from a biblical perspective, however, is
to be both a place of refuge and a center
for evangelism.
The Home as a Place of Refuge
Refuge, by definition, means a
“shelter or protection f rom danger,
trouble, etc.; anything to which one
has recourse for aid, relief or escape.”5
Scripture is filled with illustrations of
refuges provided by God; these describe
qualities that are to be characteristic
of the Christian home—first to those
who reside there and then to those who
are welcomed as a gesture of biblical
hospitality. According to Scripture, the
119
Christian home is to be a place of
•Refuge for those who have
done wrong (Num 35:6,
11–15).
•Safety (Num 35:25–28).
•Protection that mirrors
the illustration of God providing shelter as a mother
bird shelters the young and
fragile with her wings (Exod
19:4; Deut 32:11; and Pss
17:8; 36:7; 57:1; 61:4; 63:7;
91:1–4).
•Security—a stronghold
that is safe from the hostility
of the world (2 Sam 22:3).6
•Ref reshment for those
who communicate the gospel (Acts 9:35–10:23; Luke
10:38–42; 3 John 5–8; Heb
13:2; Rom 12:13; 1 Pet 4:9;
Acts 16:15; Philem 22; Rom
16:23).
Our homes become places of refuge
for others as we choose to use our hospitality skills to minister to them.
The Home as a Center for Evangelism
The church of the twenty-first
century has cultivated highly sophisticated procedures and tools for evangelism—training sessions, videos, seminars,
manuals, and methodology books are
available. However, as you study Scripture
you find that the home, not the church,
served as the center for evangelism in the
early expansion of Christianity. Michael
Green writes, “One of the most important methods of spreading the gospel in
antiquity was the use of homes.”7 He
then affirms the home of Aquila and
Priscilla by stating, “Homes like this must
have been exceedingly effective in the
evangelistic outreach of the church.”8
120
An excursion through New Testament Scriptures gives us insight into the
importance of evangelism for the believer.
Our Lord’s final instruction to His disciples was to make disciples, not merely
converts, of all nations (Matt 28:19).
Paul writes that our Lord gave spiritual
gifts, including the gift of evangelist, to
those He called into service (Eph 4:11).
Repeating the term in 2 Tim 4:5, Paul
directs Timothy “to do the work of an
evangelist.” John MacArthur provides
insight on this passage by defining evangelist for us:
Used only two other times
in the New Testament (Acts
21:8; Eph 4:1), this word always refers to a specific office
of ministry for the purpose
of preaching the gospel to
non-Christians. Based on
Eph. 4:11, it is very basic
to assume that all churches
would have both pastorteachers and evangelists. But
the related verb “to preach the
gospel” and the related noun
“gospel” are used throughout
the New Testament not only
in relation to evangelists,
but also to the call for every
Christian, especially preachers and teachers, to proclaim
the gospel. Paul did not call
Timothy to the office of an
evangelist, but to “do the
work” of one.9
As with the concept of our homes
becoming places of refuge for others, they
become centers for evangelism when they
are dedicated to our Lord. However,
converting them to places of refuge and
centers for evangelism requires time and
effort; to coordinate or “dovetail” the two,
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consider using the Spiritual Entertainment Timetable (see table below) as you
prepare for your guests.
Biblical Hospitality and Your Guests
Several years ago I read “The
Boxcar Wall,” a devotional that put the
principle of James 2:14–16 in perspective
for me:
I ate breakfast the other day
with a man who 60 years
ago sold newspapers and
shined shoes on the streets of
downtown Boise, Idaho. He
told me about his life in those
days and how much things
have changed.
‘What’s changed the most?’
I asked him. ‘People,’ he said.
‘They don’t care anymore.’
As a case in point, he told
me about his mother, who
often fed hungry men who
Spiritual Entertainment Timetable
As I physically
Prepare my guest list.
Create my menu.
Prepare my time schedule.
Grocery shop.
Decide on my table linens.
Select my table appointments
(china, silver, glassware, etc.).
Make certain that all of my table
appointments are spotless.
Sacrifice my time and energy to clean
my home and prepare the meal.
Serve my guests.
Intentionally direct the
conversation in wholesome avenues.
Tidy my home after the event.
Spiritually I will
Thank my heavenly Father that I am
included on the guest list for the
Marriage Supper of the Lamb (Rev 19:7).
Bring to mind God’s providential care
of me (Ps 104:27; 136:25; 145:15–16).
Evaluate my use of time in relation
to the brevity of life (Ps 90:12).
Recall that I was purchased with
a price (1 Cor 6:19–20).
Recall that God gave Moses specific
instructions for the table appointments
for the tabernacle including the color
of the table linens (Num 4:7–10).
Focus on being a
vessel of honor (2 Tim 2:21).
Examine my heart to ensure that
it is clean (Ps 24:4; 51:10).
Remind myself of Christ’s
sacrifice for me (Luke 24:44–47).
Reflect on Christ’s example of
servanthood ( John 13:1–20).
Model the speech of the Wise
Woman (Prov 31:26).
Think about the process of
cleansing from sin (1 John 1:7, 9).
121
came to her house. Every
day she prepared food for her
family and then made several
more meals because she knew
homeless travelers would start
to show up around mealtime.
She had deep compassion for
those who were in need. Once
she asked a man how he happened to find his way to her
door. ‘Your address is written
on all the boxcar walls,’ he
said.10
As you concentrate on applying
James 2:14–16 to your life, you will want
to consider the guests to whom you could
minister—singles, widows, the grieving,
individuals experiencing food insecurity (low-incomes, poverty level, and the
homeless), as well as the elderly; to apply
this passage effectively you must first
understand the characteristics of biblical
compassion.
Biblical Compassion—What Is It?
Hospitality is not about you and
me—as a matter of fact, when our ego
gets involved we are definitely missing the primary reason for hospitality.
John Ruskin writes, “When a man is all
wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty
small package.”11 I have an idea that the
same description applies to women. Let’s
craft an equation that helps us understand the relationship between hospitality and compassion using the definition
of each word:
The Friendly Reception
and Treatment of Guests or
Strangers12
+
A Feeling of Deep Sympathy
and Sorrow for Someone
Struck by Misfortune,
Accompanied by a Desire to
Alleviate the Suffering13
=
Compassionate Hospitality
This “Compassionate Hospitality
Equation” moves us from an “I” to an
“others” focus. As believers, we know
that one of the attributes of our heavenly
Father’s character is compassion—as his
children, our compassion should include a
sense of empathy for the distress of others
(Rom 9:15), coupled with the desire to
minimize the distress (Matt 9:36; 14:14;
15:32; 18:27; 20:34; Mark 1:41; 6:34; 8:2;
9:22; Luke 7:13; 10:33; 15:20), as well as
a heart that demonstrates kindness and
mercy to others (Matt 18:33; Mark 5:19;
Jude 22). Graciousness, longsuffering, an
abundance of goodness and truth, delayed
anger, and great mercy (Exod 34:6–7; Ps
86:15; 145:8), are additional qualities
of our heavenly Father’s character that
should typify our behavior. Through his
strength, if you make his compassion
yours, your “Compassionate Hospitality
Equation” will move away from being ego
centered, be directed toward the needs of
others rather than your own, and most
importantly, reflect his character.
While you may think of hospitality
and compassion as inviting someone to
your home for meals or lodging, a journey through Scripture introduces you to
individuals who chose to extend compassionate hospitality in a variety of ways:
•Pharoah’s daughter chose
to extend long-term hospi-
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tality to baby Moses (Exod
2:6–10).
•Shobi brought beds, basins, vessels, and sheep to
David and his people while
they were in exile (2 Sam
17:27–29).
•Elijah restored the life of
the widow’s son—a relationship that was cultivated
because she chose, out of her
need, to share with him (1
Kgs 17:18–24).
•Nehemiah wept, mourned,
prayed, and fasted for Jerusalem and its citizens (Nehemiah 1:1–11).
•Job’s friends traveled from
their homes to mourn with
and comfort him in his pain
( Job 2:11–13).
•Job wept for those in trouble and grieved for the poor
( Job 30:25).
•David displayed sympathy
to those who falsely accused
him (Ps 35:13–14).
•The Jews came to comfort
Mary and Martha at Lazarus’
death ( John 11:19).
•Paul communicated the
gospel message to all classes
of people—Jew and Gentile
alike (1 Cor 9:22).
•The Lord Jesus
o Having experienced
physical hunger, he empathized with the hunger of
others (Matt 4:2).
o Offered rest to the
spiritually bankrupt (Matt
11:28–30).
o Brought comfort and
encouragement to the weak
and oppressed (Isa 40:11,
42:3; Matt 12:18–21).
o Ministered to physical and spiritual needs (Matt
14:13–21; Mark 6:31–44,
8:2; Luke 9:11–17; John
6:1–13).
o Attended to the afflicted (Luke 7:13; John 11:33,
35).
o Alleviated the plight of
the diseased (Mark 1:41).
o Offered hope to perishing sinners (Matt 9:36;
Luke 19:41; John 3:16).
o Modeled the character
qualities necessary for those
in spiritual leadership (Heb
5:2, 7).
Putting your scriptural journey
in practical terms, if you are going to
exhibit compassionate hospitality, you
will consider
•Nurturing the abandoned
•Providing material needs
•Weeping, mourning, praying, and, when appropriate,
fasting for others
•Sharing your faith with the
spiritually bankrupt
•Encouraging the weak and
oppressed
•Assisting with the needs of
the infirmed
Hospitality as a Way of Displaying
Compassion
Your opportunities to use hospitality as a way of displaying compassion
are literally limitless, but to get you
started let us target several categories of
people—singles, widows, the grieving,
individuals experiencing food insecurity
(low income, poverty level, or the homeless), and the elderly.
123
Singles
The October 20, 2003, cover story
of Business Week, reports,
The U.S. Census Bureau’s
newest numbers show that
married-couple households—
the dominant cohort since
the country’s founding—have
slipped from nearly 80% in
the 1950s to just 50.7% today.
That means that the U.S.’s 86
million single adults could
soon define the new majority.
Already, unmarrieds make
up 42% of the workforce,
40% of homebuyers, 35% of
voters, and one of the most
potent—if pluralistic—consumer groups on record.14
As you consider your guest lists,
consider the singles you know who could
be included. More than likely, their life
experiences are rich, and they will enhance your social gathering.
Widows
In 1999, almost half (45 percent) of
the women over 65 were widows. Nearly
700,000 women lose their husbands each
year and will be widows for an average
of fourteen years. There were over four
times as many widows (8.4 million) as
widowers (1.9 million) in 1999.15
Scripture provides a clear definition
of a Christian widow and specific instructions on how the church is to respond to
her if she has no means of providing for
her daily needs. A Christian widow, according to 1 Tim 5:3–16, is one who is
60 years or older—in the New Testament
culture 60 was considered retirement age
(5:9). The church is instructed to nurture
widows by
124
•Honoring them (1 Tim
5:3).
•Providing for their daily
needs if they lack financial
resources (Acts 6:1; 1 Tim
5:9).
•V isiting them ( James
1:27).
As with the single, the widow possesses a wealth of life experiences that
will enhance your social gathering—in
the beginning of the grieving process she
may not be the life of the party, but your
invitation, extended with a heart of compassion, may allow her recovery process
to accelerate. Remember, as believers, we
are instructed to be sensitive and compassionate to the pain and sorrows of others
(Rom 12:15; Col 3:12).16
The Grieving
Grieving individuals are an interesting dichotomy—generally they
desperately need nourishment but have
no desire to eat. Having lost both of my
parents, I can attest to the blessing that
hospitality to those grieving provides. As
we fulfill Rom 12:15, more often than
not, we will find that we have provided
a ministry of compassion that no restaurant or catered meal could.
Compassion and Food Security
Food Security is a twenty-first
century term that describes whether or
not an individual has access, at all times,
to enough food for an active, healthy life;
you are more than likely familiar with
terms like low income, poverty level,
or the homeless—which describe food
insecurity. This term should touch the
hearts of believers when they consider
that the Lord Jesus, during his earthly
ministry, met the physical needs of the
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hungry. According to the USDA Hunger
Report, the prevalence of food insecurity
rose from 10.7 percent in 2001 to 11.1
percent in 2002, while the prevalence of
food insecurity with hunger rose from
3.3 percent to 3.5 percent.17
While our pantries may not always
be filled with all of the delicacies that our
palate might desire, most of us have an
adequate enough food supply to be considered food secure. We can demonstrate
hospitality and compassion by designating a portion of our food budget each
month to those who encounter food insecurity. You may ask, “What would I buy,
or how would I begin?” If your church has
a program in place, consider supporting
it. If not, begin by researching what programs your local community might have.
Conducting an internet search should
yield websites for the local agencies that
can provide a list of needed food and
non-food items. These lists become a
helpful resource for purchasing groceries to share with others. While you may
lack the resources to purchase a full bag
of groceries, you probably can manage
several items—even if it means excluding
the ice cream or chips from your grocery
list. Perhaps you can collect the items
for several weeks and then make a trip
to the distribution center of your choice
to apply hospitality and compassion in a
practical way—and if you have children,
do include them in the delivery process.
Sharing one’s time and/or resources
at an agency whose primary purpose is
to meet the needs of the food insecure is
another way to practice compassion and
hospitality. Again, an internet search can
provide you with a description of some
of the needs of a typical rescue mission.
Clearly everyone could do something
to demonstrate hospitality and compassion to the food insecure throughout
the year.
Before I bring this section to a
close, I want to share with you another
category of the food insecure—the elderly. I recently read an article entitled
“The Driver Behind Meals on Wheels,”18
which paints a word picture of Helen
Barnes who, at the age of 58, helped
found Meals on Wheels in 1971. At 90
she still drives two Meals on Wheels
routes each week and arises each Monday
morning at 4:30 a.m. to bake coffeecakes
and assorted treats for the more than
fifty Meals on Wheels volunteers. As the
article suggests, more than 65 percent of
their clients live alone, and the volunteer
may well be the only person a client sees
all day. Using the Meals on Wheels concept is a perfect way for believers to apply
Matt 25:40 by providing both spiritual
and physical sustenance to those who are
experiencing food insecurity!
A Concluding Consideration
Matthew 5:1–12 and Luke 6:20–26
are passages of Scripture that are commonly referred to as the Beatitudes. When
describing the Beatitudes, John MacArthur writes that blessed literally means
“happy, fortunate, and blissful.”
It speaks of more than a
surface emotion. Jesus was
describing the divinely-bestowed well-being that belongs only to the faithful.
The Beatitudes demonstrate
that the way to heavenly
blessedness is antithetical to
the worldly path normally
followed in pursuit of happiness. The worldly idea is that
happiness is found in riches,
merriment, abundance, leisure, and such things. The real
truth is the very opposite. The
Beatitudes give Jesus’ descrip-
125
tion of the character of true
faith.19
for them (1 Cor 4:2).
•W ho intentionally extend hospitality to “the others”—singles, widows, the
grieving, and those experiencing food insecurity—for
they are choosing to live out
biblical compassion ( James
2:14–16).
•Whose homes are both a
place of refuge and a center
for evangelism, for they are
glorifying their heavenly
Father by their actions (1 Pet
2:11–12) and fulfilling his instructions “to do the work of
an evangelist” (2 Tim 4:5).
•Who do not become disillusioned in practicing biblical
hospitality, for they understand that in due time they
will reap if they do not grow
weary (Gal 6:9).
•Who acknowledge that
they are unable to practice
biblical hospitality in their
own strength, for by this
means they learn that our
Lord’s power overcomes
their weaknesses and allows
them to become vessels used
for his honor and glory (2
Cor 12:9–10; Phil 4:13)!
As a conclusion to this article, I
would like to share with you a word I
coined to summarize its contents—hospitalitude; it is drawn from the word
hospitality, meaning to pursue the love
of strangers, and beatitude, signifying the
character of true faith. It is my prayer that
you are stimulated to practice biblical
hospitality so that the Hospitalitudes will
be evident in your life.
The Hospitalitudes
Happy are those
•Who practice biblical hospitality, because in so doing, they are demonstrating
their love for God (1 John
3:17–18).
•Who “pursue the love of
strangers,” for they are choosing to obey their heavenly
Father’s command and modeling his character (Rom
12:13b).
•In church leadership who
practice hospitality, for they
allow others to observe them
in their homes where their
character is most graphically
revealed (1 Tim 3:1–2; Titus
1:5–8).
•Who include people of all
cultures on their guests list,
for in this manner they are
demonstrating the expansive
love of their heavenly Father
( John 3:16).
•Who develop hospitality
management skills, for in
this way they are capable of
being faithful stewards of all
that our Lord has provided
126
Online: http//www.charactercounts.org.
Ibid.
3
Russell Cronkhite, A Return to Sunday Dinner (Sisters,
OR: Multnomah, 2003), 195.
4
See Pat Ennis and Lisa Tatlock, Designing a Lifestyle
that Pleases God (Chicago: Moody, 2004), 184–85.
5
Webster’s College Dictionary, 2d ed., s.v. “refuge.”
6
See Pat Ennis and Lisa Tatlock, Becoming a Woman
Who Pleases God: A Guide to Developing Your Biblical
Potential (Chicago: Moody, 2003), chapter 3, “The
Wise Woman Develops a Heart of Contentment,”
for further elaboration on this topic.
7
Michael Green, Evangelism in the Early Church
(Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1970), 236.
8
Ibid., 207.
9
John MacArthur, The MacArthur Study Bible (Nash1
2
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ville: Word, 2000), notes at 2 Tim 4:5.
David H. Roper, “The Boxcar Wall,” Our Daily Bread,
30 July 2002.
11
Online: http//www.geocities.com/Heartland/2328/
wisdom.htm.
12
Webster’s College Dictionary, s.v. “hospitality.”
13
Ibid., s.v. “compassion.”
14
Michelle Conlin, “Unmarried America,” Business
Week, 20 October, 2003 [accessed 24 July 2006].
Online: http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/
content/03_42/b3854001_mz001.htm?c=bwinsider
oct10&n=link1&t=email.
15
Online: http//www.aarp.org/griefandloss/articles/93_a.html.
16
See Ennis and Tatlock, Becoming a Woman Who
Pleases God, 273–78.
17
Online: http//www.lafightshunger.org/statistics.
html.
18
Gin Phillips, “The Driver Behind Meals on Wheels,”
American Profile, 11–17 June 2003, 6–10.
19
MacArthur, The MacArthur Study Bible, notes at
Matt 5:3.
10
127
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 128-132
Who’s Captivating Whom?
A Review of
John and Stasi Eldredge’s
Captivating: Unveiling the
Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Donna Thoennes
Assistant Professor, Disciple-maker,
Torrey Honors Institute, Biola University
La Mirada, California
John and Stasi Eldredge recently
wrote Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul (Thomas Nelson,
2005), and already the female counterpart
to John Eldredge’s best-selling Wild at
Heart (Thomas Nelson, 2001) promises
to be as popular as the version targeting
men. The high school and college women
in my life are carrying it with them. Just
what is it about this book that quickly
captivates young women?
Three potential reasons come to
mind. Perhaps it is the clear message that
God is accessible and knowable. They
emphasize the immanence of God who
is personal and involved in the daily lives
of his people. Surely this is comforting
to the reader.
Perhaps readers are also refreshed
by the authors’ emphasis on the wonderful, unique creation that is woman. There
is no hint in this work of blurring the
differences between the genders. On the
contrary, women are special, beautiful,
and responsible to reflect certain aspects
of God’s character. In an age when dis-
128
tinction between the genders is unpopular and when the idea that the Creator
may have intended these distinctions is
antiquated, this book bucks the cultural
trends.
Further still, readers may feel a
measure of camaraderie with Stasi as
she reveals examples from her life of
disappointments, struggles, and sins.
She provides hope for those who have
struggled with the issues that, sadly, are
common among women, affirming that
God can and will heal relationships and
emotional pain. Many women will surely
find an emotional connection with her
as she speaks of their experience while
sharing her own.
While these positive points draw
readers in, some caution is necessary before recommending it to the women in
your life. When compared with the biblical view of God and humanity, the work
offers a low view of God and a heightened
view of women. For instance, instead of
beginning with an understanding of God
that comes from his Word, they observe
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the women in their lives and claim that
they want to be romanced, want to play
an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,
and want to unveil beauty. While these
tendencies may be true of women, the
authors’ conclusion proves problematic.
They conclude that these desires are true
of God as well. Their theological method
begins with human experience rather
than God’s revelation of himself. This
“theology from below” invariably leads to
distorted, human-centered conclusions.
One of the central points of the
book is represented by this statement:
“This may be the most important thing
we ever learn about God—that he yearns
for relationship with us. . . . He yearns
for us. He cares. He has a tender heart”
(28). They claim that the prevailing view
of God fails in its breadth. They aim to
remedy what they deem an incorrect
view of God “as strong and powerful,
but not as needing us, vulnerable to us,
yearning to be desired” (29). They believe a proper view of God includes all
of these. As a means of defense against
those who do not agree that God yearns
to be desired, the authors claim, “[I]f you
have any doubt about that, simply look at
the message he sent us in Woman” (28).
It appears that rather than turning to
Scripture or the synthetic work of theologians, the Eldredges want to begin with
woman to understand the complexities of
God’s nature. This becomes more clear
in the statement, “After years of hearing
the heart-cry of women, I am convinced
beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be
loved” (29). One would expect the sentence to say that after counseling women,
the authors are convinced that women
want to be loved. Somehow the needs
of women become the needs of God in
their worldview.
The authors have flipped the process of understanding who God is and
who we are. Because women are made
in God’s image, they are like him and
represent him. Therefore, they can look to
God to infer things about themselves, but
they should not assume that conclusions
can be drawn in the opposite direction.
Just because we have certain tendencies
or desires does not necessitate that God
shares those. God is high and lifted up;
he is transcendent as well as immanent.
In Ps 50:21 God corrects man with a
strong accusation, “You thought that I
was one like yourself, but now I rebuke
you and lay the charge before you.” We
must look to God to learn who we are,
not the other way around.
This method of drawing theological conclusions is flawed and, therefore,
results in flawed views of both God and
woman. We must guard against any view
of God that is unworthy of him. When
an idea of God subtly veers from truth
and appeals to our emotions, we must
discern the flawed method that surely has
profound ramifications. Not only does
our view of God determine the priorities
and trajectory of our lives, but our very
purpose is to know him. To know him, we
must seek him where he has most clearly
revealed himself.
As the authors’ starting point is
faulty, it proves difficult to salvage the
rest of their message. Surely, God is
a relational being. We do not have to
look any further than the Trinity and its
perfect fellowship to know this about
him. At the same time, one of his attributes that has most powerfully provided
peace and courage for believers has been
God’s independence and self-sufficiency.
This doctrine indicates that God has no
unmet needs, is independent from his
creation, provides for it, and has authority and control over it. Further, in his
omnipotence he cannot be harmed by
outside forces. In his omniscience, he is
129
not vulnerable from something outside
himself over which he has no control or
of which he has not foreseen. In the Bible,
God is often praised for being different
from his creation in this way—he is not
needy as we are and that is reason for our
trust and our worship. In Psalm 50, God
asserts his independence by declaring, “I
have no need of a bull from your stall or
of goats from your pens, for every animal
of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a
thousand hills. I know every bird in the
mountains, and the creatures of the field
are mine. If I were hungry I would not
tell you, for the world is mine, and all
that is in it” (Ps 50:9–12). He is saying, I
have no needs that you can meet! Paul
distinguishes the true God from pagan
gods in Acts 17:24–25: “The God who
made the world and everything in it is
the Lord of heaven and earth and does
not live in temples built by hands. And
he is not served by human hands, as if
he needed anything, because he himself
gives all men life and breath and everything else.” He is wonderfully different
from us in his self-sufficiency.
Another unworthy conception of
God is revealed in the Eldredges’ assertion that a woman’s need to be romanced
is an indication of God’s desire to be
romanced. Speaking of God’s heart, the
authors posit, “What would it be like to
experience for yourself that the truest
thing about his heart toward yours is not
disappointment or disapproval but deep,
fiery, passionate love?” (113). When the
Eldredges speak of the loving relationship between God and a believer, they
mean a romantic one. They instruct the
reader, “We must choose to open our
hearts again so that we might hear his
whispers, receive his kisses”(116) which
come in the form of sunsets and swaying trees. They encourage the reader not
to worry that they might be rejected,
130
for “He knows what takes your breath
away, knows what makes your heart beat
faster”(116). God, as our Lover, “[W]ants
to be known as only lovers can know each
other. . . . [Y]ou are the one who takes
his breath away” (120–21). They write
that each woman is “made for romance,
and the only one who can offer it to you
consistently and deeply is Jesus” (125).
They suggest imagining yourself in a
romantic scene with Jesus. They offer five
romantic movie scenes and then suggest
that you “put yourself in the scene as the
Beauty, and Jesus as the Lover” (114).
They base this conclusion on the passage
in Matt 9:15 where Jesus calls himself
the Bridegroom, “the most intimate of all
the metaphors Jesus chose to describe his
love and longing for us, and the kind of
relationship he invites us into” (114).
Is our relationship with God intended to be so sensually conceived?
Scripture tells us that “God shows his
love for us in that while we were still
sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom 5:8).
Creator and creature demonstrate love in
necessarily different ways. His sacrifice
on our behalf communicates his love
for us, and our obedience most clearly
communicates our love for him. This is
radically different from the romantic love
between a beauty and a smitten lover!
Beyond the low view of God, another major misconception of the work is
its inflated view of women. The Eldredges
point to women as the pinnacle of God’s
creation. “She is the crescendo, the final,
astonishing work of God” (25). To aid
the reader in personalizing this, the authors suggest taking in a beautiful vista
and declaring, “The whole, vast world is
incomplete without me. Creation reached
its zenith in me” (25). It may be tempting
to empathize with this attempt to build
a woman’s self-esteem, but the sins of
pride and self-centeredness are only en-
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couraged with this declaration. A more
appropriate response would be to praise
God rather than self after gazing upon
his handiwork. Such instances should
humble us as we realize God’s goodness
in choosing us and bestowing his grace
upon us, not because his creation was
lacking, but because he is good.
Throughout the book, the Eldredges look to movies that attract women as
evidence of her deepest desires. This is
further confirmation of their inflated
view of women. When they raise a new
issue, they suggest “think of the movies
you love” (9), as proof of what the reader
really values. Unfortunately, many of us
are intrigued by movies that are blatantly
contrary to Christian values. The simple
fact that a romantic movie scene resonates
with our hearts does not suggest that the
scene is worthy of our desire. Rather, because we are fallen, we need to exercise
caution when we find our hearts piqued
with interest at something inconsistent
with what is true or right. While there is
truth to be found in general revelation,
we must always measure that against the
special revelation of Scripture.
The authors suggest that the central question that steers a woman’s life
is “Am I lovely?” They answer, “Our God
finds you lovely. . . The King is enthralled
by your beauty. He finds you captivating”
(146). Further, they state that beauty
indwells every woman. It is her essence:
“The essence of a woman is Beauty. She is
meant to be the incarnation—our experience in human form—of a Captivating
God” (130). This beauty is “a soulish
beauty” with physical implications. What
woman does not want to read that her
very essence is beauty? The idea may
appear encouraging at first glance, but
a woman’s essence is not really beauty.
Rather, her essence, or the central core of
her being that gives her immense worth,
is the very image of God in her.
The Eldredges may desire to encourage women by identifying beauty as
their essence, but even more they want to
inspire women to unveil their beauty. One
explanation they offer is that unveiling
beauty “just means unveiling our feminine hearts” (147), which is a woman’s
greatest expression of faith, hope, and
love. Again, the authors demonstrate
their inflated view of human nature. The
act of unveiling our beauty, or revealing
our heart, may not bless the world and
express faith, hope, and love. Rather, this
unveiling and revealing might, on occasion, expose the indwelling sin that we
still seek to overcome, horrifying both
us and our loved ones. It is foolishness
to conceive of everything in a woman’s
heart as good and beautiful. Perfection of
the heart is the draw of heaven, and every
godly woman longs for it, rather than a
fictitious perfection this side of heaven.
Thankfully, God loves us out of his
own loving character, not because we are
lovely and incite that love. This should be
a relief to us. His image is imparted to
us, and when he chooses us, we are his
children to be loved forever because of
the mediating work of Christ, regardless
of anything in ourselves. Women may
think that they want to be lovely in and
of themselves, but true security lies in the
truth that we are loved in Christ whether
we look or act lovely or choose to unveil
our beauty. The truth is that we are loved,
and we need not ask God whether we
are lovely. God sets his affection on us
through Christ; he is the Initiator, not the
Responder in our loving relationship.
It is easy to see how the Eldredges’
conceptions of God and women could
develop. Out of a desire to be loved and
known and appreciated for who we are,
we can create a god who appreciates us
and responds to us and yearns for us. But
131
is this the God of the Bible, or the god
of our felt needs? Our God is relational;
the Bible says he has emotions and he
responds to our moral status. Certainly
his relational nature is evident in Jesus.
But he does not need us! The Eldredges
seem to assume that if God does not need
us, he does not really love us. But God’s
love is more secure and provides more
hope and stirs more obedience when it
grows from his eternal, unchanging, loving character.
Isaiah 57:15 answers the cry of a
woman’s heart for intimacy with God:
“For this is what the high and lofty One
says—he who lives forever, whose name
is holy: ‘I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is contrite and
lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the
lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.’” God tells his people that intimacy
will result when their estimation of him
increases. When God is high and lifted
up, women are humbled as a result, and
then he draws near and revives the heart
of the contrite. The Eldredges’ effort to
lift women high and lower God does not
result in a contrite heart or intimacy with
him. The reader must, instead, keep God
lifted high and herself humble if she is
going to know her Creator deeply.
Let us wisely alter our inquiry and
devote our efforts toward knowing God
and answering the question, “Isn’t God
lovely?” May this pursuit captivate us, and
may the answer cause us to praise him.
Surely, then, we will be less concerned
with being captivating ourselves.
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FALL 2006
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 133-136
A Review of
Does Christianity
Squash Women?
by Rebecca Jones1
Mary K. Mohler
Homemaker;
Director, Seminary Wives Institute;
President’s Wife,
The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary
It seems that Christian women living in a post-Christian era are often an
enigma to society. There is far too little
ammunition to combat the increasing
mentality that biblical womanhood is
outdated and irrelevant. Rebecca Jones’s
provocative book provides readers with
an arsenal full of cogent arguments
based on biblical truths. She also enlists
the support of a virtual “Who’s Who”
among conservative Christian scholars.
In just over two hundred pages of text,
she quotes from more than eighty of the
most respected evangelicals of our time as
well as from the recent past. Her thesis,
not surprisingly, is that Christianity does
not squash women: “[Women] are, on the
contrary, given a place of high honor in
the Bible. . . . They play a huge part in the
accomplishment of God’s will and in the
arrival of the promised seed.”
While the book makes logical arguments that fly in the face of feminism,
it also serves to bring encouragement to
women who are seeking to uphold biblical femininity but often feel like they are
swimming upstream. This work is written “by a woman, for women and about
women.” The discussion questions at the
end of each of the twelve chapters would
surely lead to a lively and soul-searching
dialogue.
Jones reflects first on the results of
the fractured feminist movement. She
quotes a feminist who is clearly confused
as she seeks to define liberal feminism.
Rebecca accurately concludes, “This
woman affirms differences she can’t discern and claims rights she can’t define.”
The root of the problem, accurately identified in this book, is the starting place:
[We] begin with our own
definitions of what we expect.
We end up creating God in
our own image rather than
accepting the fact that we are
made in His. God defines the
rules in the game of life. We
don’t get to pick what color
piece we want on the board. .
. . The wonderful thing is that
133
God has told us these things.
He doesn’t hide the truth
from us, but tells us clearly
in His Word who He is and
who we are.
It is important to note, as Jones
does, that there are some Christians who
clearly seek to squash women. These men
serve to blight the gospel as they seek to
squash, stifle and silence women—all in
the name of Scripture. Francis Schaeffer
warned us long ago that we never have
the luxury of fighting a battle on only one
front. It is not surprising that the media
sniffs out the outrageous and plasters
their stories on the front page. Jones tells
of one church that refuses to sing hymns
written by women. This type of ridiculous
practice is certainly not commonplace,
but even one occurrence is dreadful and
provides a basis for ranting blogs and
exaggerated stories. Jones makes a key
point about abusive husbands as well: “A
man who understands the gospel cannot
‘lord it over’ anyone, especially his wife,
who is his own flesh. ‘Christian’ men
who misuse their position will one day
answer to the perfect man, the head of
the church.”
Jones spends the majority of the
book exploring Scripture. She carefully
outlines the importance of hermeneutics.
She proceeds to provide a detailed analysis of four Old Testament women: Eve,
Sarah, Deborah, and Abigail. She makes
the point that God used these women
powerfully to change history—not as
queens and heroines—but as wives and
mothers. How radical is that? She also
reminds us in descriptive narrative of
four notorious Old Testament women:
Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, and Bathsheba who
were “dubious characters in the line of the
Savior.” The vivid point is that women are
given a place of high honor even before
134
the advent of our Lord. He used them
to unfold his eternal purposes just as he
is using us today.
Moving on to the New Testament, Jones embarks on two chapters
that present vignettes of Jesus’ earthly
encounters with women. As she carefully cites the references in the Gospels
for each account, she makes the case that
Jesus Christ met the needs of women
as He encountered them. Jones’s “cut to
the chase” writing style makes this point
clearly when she states, “Jesus doesn’t
sit under a fig tree writing vague poetry
about women. He meets their needs by
stimulating their minds and teaching
them theology.”
She is honest enough to include
two encounters in Scripture when Jesus
appears to be “abrupt, almost rude.” She
admits that his dealings with the Syrian
woman in Matthew 15 and with Jesus’
mother on several occasions could be
construed as fodder for those who believe
that Christianity squashes women. Yet,
with careful examination, she guides the
reader to look past what may first appear as harsh to see that Jesus’ words are
carefully selected and full of meaning.
He esteems women highly. In the case
of his earthly mother, it was powerful
for him to show that even she could not
have a relationship with him outside of
one obtained by faith—and faith alone.
This will surely bring gasps to those who
support the heresy that Mary is the “CoRedemptrix” or “Queen of Heaven.”
Jones readily admits that she is not
a theologian. That is actually encouraging
to those of us who, like the author, consider ourselves to be diligent, intelligent
Christian women but who do not hold
theological degrees. Such credentials
are not necessary to articulate a biblical
view of womanhood. While we certainly
appreciate the work of both men and
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women who have studied the languages
and earned terminal degrees, women who
have been dedicated wives and mothers
at home need not shy away from stating
boldly and proudly what we believe. We
are not on the lecture circuit to expound
on our views, but we hold them with deep
conviction nonetheless.
No one can accuse Jones of side
stepping the word that seems to make
feminists bristle the most: submission.
She spends a significant portion of the
book spelling out what submission in
marriage looks like. It will challenge
women who affirm Scripture but prefer
to gloss over how that plays out on a daily
basis. At one point, she pauses to state
simply, “Radical stuff. Biblical stuff.” That
is true enough. While our culture shakes
its head in disbelief at our adherence to
this “radical stuff,” we must be ever more
resolved to show them that we are not
going to go away but will seek to model
the role of Christ and the church until
he comes.
Continuing in her truly politically
incorrect form, Jones makes this bold
statement: “All Christian women are
called to be homemakers.” A careful reading of her convincing biblical arguments
will serve to motivate women who may
tend to feel intimidated to stand up and
take notice. She exhorts women to stop
feeling sorry for themselves when they
seem to be working in the shadows and
receiving no accolades for being “merely
wives and mothers.” This is timely advice
in spite of the fact that it sickens the
same feminists who were irritated forty
years ago when women proudly described
themselves as “homemakers” on census
forms.
Admittedly, there is very little fanfare with this role. Jones notes that we
often do not see the significance of our
faithfulness nor do others. She humor-
ously quips that the role of a homemaker
will not “earn you a spot on ‘Fox and
Friends’.” But, we should be assured that
the honor earned in the sight of the Lord
is priceless.
Like a district attorney making a
closing argument, Jones drives her point
home in her concluding chapter titled
“Why It Matters.” She applauds Southern Baptists for taking a stand in making
clear what we believe about the family. As
one of the two women who served on the
committee to add the family paragraph
to our doctrinal statement, I know first
hand what a firestorm resulted. Our
statement comes directly out of Scripture but sounds so radical to a biblically
ignorant world.
Yes, the gender issue matters. Yes,
it goes beyond being a peripheral issue,
because it is anchored to the primary
issue of biblical authority. How heartening it is that as evangelicals, we can
join ranks in this pivotal debate and let
the chips fall where they may! The more
our families are seen as happy and holy
places where submission and sacrificial
love actually work, the more our churches
reflect the amazing phenomenon of men
and women joyfully working together
based on God’s design, the more the
world will wonder. However, we realize
that the beautiful picture of Christ and
his church in our homes and our churches
will draw men and women to Himself.
As Jones says, “We women can delight
in showing the world that God made
women glorious, in His image, not to
be squashed, but to work for His honor
in our homes, churches and society with
grace, power and eloquence.”
What an awesome role we have as
women! It is time to embrace it for all it
is worth. We will never come close to exhausting all the ways that the Lord will
use willing women. Squashed? No way.
135
We are loved and cherished by a Holy
God who has remarkable work for us
alone to do. For the sake of the kingdom,
let us get on with the task. This book will
boost you along the way.
1
136
This review first appeared in February 2006 on
reformation21, the online magazine of the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals (see http://www.
reformation21.org/Past_Issues/February_2006/
Shelf_Life_/Shelf_Life_/148/vobId__2024/). Used
with permission.
FALL 2006
JBMW 11/2 (Fall 2006) 137-146
Annotated
Bibliography
for Gender-Related
Books in 2005
Compiled and Annotated by Oren Martin and Barak Tjader
In this issue of the journal we
profile some of the most significant gender-related books from 2005. Here is a
brief reminder about the categories we
are using and our intent in using them.
Complementarian designates an author
who recognizes the full personal equality
of the sexes, coupled with an acknowledgment of role distinctions in the home
and church. Egalitarian classifies evangelicals who see undifferentiated equality
(i.e., they see no scriptural warrant for
affirming male headship in the home or
the church). Under the Non-Evangelical heading, we have classified important
secular works and books that address the
subject of biblical gender issues from a
religious, albeit, non-evangelical point
of view. This category also serves as our
classification for liberal scholars wanting
to retain some sort of Christian identity.
Finally, under the Undeclared heading,
we have listed those books that do not
give sufficient indication of their fundamental stance for us to classify them
more specifically.
Complementarian
Botkin, Anna Sofia, and Elizabeth
Botkin. So Much More: The Remarkable
Influence of Visionary Daughters on the
Kingdom of God. San Antonio: Vision
Forum, 2005.
This book, written from the perspective of two teenage sisters, deals
with the theological framework, practice,
and importance of the father/daughter
relationship. The Botkins’s emphasis on
the family unit and distinctive biblical
roles for men and women will be appreciated, although many will disagree
with a number of their conclusions and
applications, as they appear to go beyond
what Scripture commands.
Crotts, John. Craftsmen: Skillfully
Leading Your Family for Christ. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2005.
Crotts opens up the wisdom of
Scripture, particularly Proverbs, to instruct men on how to lead their families
for Christ. Bringing rich application and
137
a caring pastoral perspective, he demonstrates how biblical wisdom should
inform men to live wisely in the areas of
work, godliness, speech, sex, discipline,
and temperament. This short book contains a wealth of wisdom that will help
men become the godly leaders God has
called them to be as they look to Christ,
the perfect wise man.
Farrar, Steve. King Me: What
Every Son Wants and Needs From His
Father. Chicago: Moody, 2005.
Without minimizing the role that
the mother plays in raising sons, Farrar
argues that every son wants and needs
his father to mentor him. By looking at
various stories of the kings in the OT,
both good and bad, he draws examples
and lessons that fathers can apply as they
raise their sons to become mature men
who will one day lead their own families.
Using his own experience and knowledge
of the Scriptures, Farrar describes that
the task of mentoring takes place through
mistakes, discipline, masculinity, guidance, sexual purity, manly communication, and friendship.
Gr udem, Wayne with Jer r y
Thacker. Why Is My Choice of a Bible
Translation So Important? Louisville:
The Council on Biblical Manhood and
Womanhood, 2005.
This valuable resource reviews
the translation inaccuracies of Today’s
New International Version (TNIV ).
The authors demonstrate that in changing thousands of verses by removing
male-oriented words or by changing the
singular to the plural, the gender-neutral
translation loses the details of meaning in
the original text. This brief overview will
aid the Christian community in choosing
a Bible translation that faithfully conveys
the words of God. For more information
138
concerning gender-neutral translations,
see www.genderneutralbibles.com.
George, Elizabeth. A Young
Woman’s Call to Prayer: Talking With God
About Your Life. Eugene, OR: Harvest
House, 2005.
George writes a practical book for
young women on the theme of prayer.
She encourages her readers to experience
the joy and centrality of prayer in the
Christian life. In many ways this book
is simply a description of a relationship
with God lived in utter dependence upon
him. Included are sections on hindrances
to prayer, when to pray, discovering
God’s will through prayer, how to pray,
and developing the habit of prayer. She
offers practical wisdom from Scripture
and thoughtful application that will help
deepen her reader’s relationship with the
God who hears and is mindful of his
children.
Jaynes, Sharon. Building an Effective Women’s Ministry. Eugene, OR:
Harvest House, 2005.
Jaynes has provided a helpful resource in planning and building a women’s ministry in the church. The majority
of the book offers very practical advice on
beginning a women’s ministry, cultivating
leadership, programming, and overcoming difficulties. Jaynes works through
the details and develops a strategy for
developing a biblical model of women
teaching, encouraging, and ministering
to other women.
Jones, Rebecca. Does Christianity
Squash Women? A Christian Looks at
Womanhood. Nashville: Broadman &
Holman, 2005.
In this excellent work, Jones articulates the meaning of femininity through a
biblical worldview and answers questions
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regarding womanhood and Christianity.
This book shows that, contrary to many
assertions that the Christian faith oppresses and demeans women, in reality,
a proper understanding of what it means
to be a woman actually provides fulfillment and meaning. Looking at examples
of women in the Bible, the treatment of
women by Jesus and the biblical authors,
and evidence from Christian experience,
Jones provides an important and compelling case for the goodness of Godordained gender roles and the freeing
disposition of biblical womanhood.
Kassian, Mary. The Feminist Mistake. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2005.
In this revised and updated version
of The Feminist Gospel (1992), Kassian
traces the history of feminism from 1960
to 1990 and looks at the sociological
impact of feminism during the 1990s,
as well as the convergence of secular and
evangelical feminist thought. Kassian’s
critique of feminism provides clarity and
warns the church against the dangers of
feminist theology. Especially helpful in
this volume are Kassian’s insights into the
effect of feminism on popular thought
and its infiltration into mainstream
culture.
Kassian, Mary A. In My Father’s
House: Finding Your Heart’s True Home.
Nashville: Broadman & Holman,
2005.
In this very thoughtful volume,
Kassian demonstrates that the universal
human need to be fathered was placed
there by the God who has revealed himself and relates to his sons and daughters
as Father. Kassian shows that throughout
Scripture, and most fully in the New
Testament, God has revealed himself as
Father, which is most clearly seen in his
relationship with his Son Jesus Christ. In
understanding this, Christians can know
how to correctly relate to their heavenly
Father as he guides, protects, provides for,
corrects, and is faithful to his children.
Köstenberger, Andreas J., and
Thomas R. Schreiner, eds. Women in the
Church: An Analysis and Application of 1
Timothy 2:9–15. 2d ed. Grand Rapids:
Baker, 2005.
Ten years have passed since the
first edition of this book was published,
and it still stands as the definitive work
on 1 Tim 2:9–15. As new material has
emerged over the past decade concerning
the interpretation and application of this
fiercely debated passage, this second edition has been updated in light of current
scholarship. Also, it has been streamlined
as articles deemed less crucial to the overall flow and argument of the passage have
been removed, while a new chapter with
rich and thoughtful application has been
added. The contributors include S. M.
Baugh, Henry Scott Baldwin, Andreas J.
Köstenberger, Thomas R. Schreiner, Robert W. Yarborough, and Dorothy Kelley
Patterson. They address issues that are
crucial to understanding and applying the
passage such as historical background,
grammar, syntax, exegesis, hermeneutics,
and application. Once again, this resource
is unsurpassed in its presentation and
argument, and the church is well-served
by its immeasurable contribution.
MacArthur, John. Twelve Extraordinary Women. Nashville: Thomas
Nelson, 2005.
In this complementary volume to
Twelve Ordinary Men (Thomas Nelson,
2002), MacArthur looks at the lives of
twelve women in biblical history who
played a critical role in the story of redemption. He examines and describes the
lives of Eve, Sarah, Rahab, Ruth, Han-
139
nah, Mary, Anna, the Samaritan woman,
Martha and Mary, Mary Magdalene, and
Lydia. MacArthur hopes that his readers
will be encouraged by the gracious and
faithful work of God that made each
of these women extraordinary so that
they will be challenged to imitate their
examples.
Mahaney, Carolyn, and Nicole
Mahaney Whitacre. Girl Talk: MotherDaughter Conversations on Biblical
Womanhood. Wheaton, IL: Crossway,
2005.
The authors provide a wonderful
picture from their own experience of
the mother-daughter relationship and
discuss how to pass on the legacy of
biblical womanhood in a way that commends the gospel. Part One focuses on
various aspects of the mother-daughter
relationship, and Part Two focuses on
how to apply biblical womanhood in the
world. In addition to describing God’s
design for women in the context of a
mother-daughter relationship, the authors conclude with a variety of ways to
apply the contents of the book. Complete
with sections on how to lead your daughter to Christ, ideas for mother-daughter
memories, practical discussion on modesty, and discussion questions, this book
is an excellent resource for mothers and
daughters who desire to live out the roles
God has given them in a way that points
to the gospel.
Piper, John, and Justin Taylor,
eds. Sex and the Supremacy of Christ.
Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2005.
This is a book about the importance
of viewing and enjoying God’s gift of sex
from a biblical, God-glorifying, Christexalting perspective. Each contributor
demonstrates that sex is a good gift
given by God and is designed to increase
140
our joy in him as it is kept within the
institution of marriage. The book proceeds in five main sections, successively
addressing sex as it relates to God, sin,
men, women, and history. Contributors
include John Piper, R. Albert Mohler Jr.,
C. J. Mahaney, Carolyn Mahaney, Mark
Dever, David Powlison, Carolyn McCulley, Justin Taylor, and Ben Patterson.
Piper, Noël. Faithful Women &
Their Extraordinary God. Wheaton, IL:
Crossway, 2005.
In this hope-inspiring and challenging book, Noël Piper recounts the
lives of five ordinary women with an
extraordinary God who enabled and used
them to do extraordinary things. She
demonstrates how Sarah Edwards, Lilias
Trotter, Gladys Aylward, Esther Ahn
Kim, and Helen Roseveare—whether as
sisters, daughters, wives, mothers, missionaries, or friends—challenge women
today to be faithful in their calling as
they fulfill their God-given roles for his
glory.
Ryken, Phillip Graham. Galatians: Reformed Expository Commentary.
Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2005.
For the purposes of the present
bibliography, comments will be limited
to Ryken’s interpretation of Gal 3:28.
Ryken rightly emphasizes that divisions
of race, rank, and gender can only be
overcome in Christ. Just as all people
are equal under the law and therefore
deserve God’s wrath due to sin, so all
who are united to Christ by faith are
equal in status before God. He argues
against the view that portrays Paul as a
male chauvinist who viewed women as
inferior and second-class citizens. To the
contrary, Paul recognized that women
were created in the image of God and
that through Christ they were remade to
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live as his image-bearers. However, this
equality in status does not obliterate the
differences between Jew and Greek, slave
and free, male and female. Rather, this
fundamental equality in status is the basis
for which diversity can be most appreciated. It is here that Ryken clearly sees
that differences remain between men and
women, and that God-given gender has
implications for the distinct roles of men
and women in the home and the church.
In other words, differences in roles can
remain without diminishing equality
in Christ. He then specifies that men
are called to exercise servant leadership
as husbands and officers in the church,
while women are called to submit to this
leadership as wives and as members of the
church. This commentary provides solid
exposition and pastoral application as it
follows the flow of Paul’s argument to
the Galatians.
Ware, Bruce A. Father, Son, and
Holy Spirit: Relationships, Roles, and Relevance. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2005.
This book is rich in its presentation
and application of the one God who
has revealed himself as Father, Son, and
Holy Spirit. Ware examines the ways in
which the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
relate to one another, how they relate to
us, and what difference it makes in our
pursuit to know God as he has revealed
himself. Rather than succumbing to the
spirit of the age that wishes to erase
any role distinction between men and
women, he argues that the Father, Son,
and Holy Spirit are simultaneously
equal in essence, yet differentiated with
respect to their roles and relationships,
with respect to each other, in creation,
and in their unified work of salvation.
This biblically-saturated presentation
provides a wonderful pattern for men and
women who are both equal in essence and
personhood yet distinct in their Godgiven roles. This awe-inspiring picture
is applied throughout the book to relationships, marriages, parenting, families,
the workplace, and the church. Ware has
provided a rich and invaluable resource
that will help Christians both grasp the
doctrine of the Trinity more clearly and
worship him more truthfully, and the
church is indebted to his contribution.
Complementarian/Egalitarian
Beck, James R., ed. Two Views
on Women in Ministry. Rev. Ed. Grand
Rapids: Zondervan, 2005.
This revised edition includes essays by complementarians Thomas R.
Schreiner and Craig L. Blomberg and
egalitarians Linda L. Belleville and Craig
S. Keener. A helpful update to the first
edition (2001) is that after each contributor offers his or her position, a response is
given by each of the other contributors.
It should be noted that, although he uses
the term “complementarian” and clearly
affirms differences in roles for men and
women, Blomberg’s “mediating” position
places less restrictions on the roles of
women than the traditional complementarian view.
Egalitarian
Allender, Dan B., and Tremper
Longman III. The Intimate Mystery:
Creating Strength and Beauty in Your
Marriage. Downers Grove: InterVarsity, 2005.
This title looks to Genesis to unpack the “leave-weave-cleave matrix” of
marriage. Allender and Longman seem
to be on solid footing as they suggest that
the relational aspect of marriage is reflective of intra-Trinitarian relationships that
are ontologically equal yet different in
141
function. However, by this the authors
simply mean that marriage should be
lived out in a self-sacrificial and giving
f ramework. Allender and Longman
then develop a model of marriage that
is strictly egalitarian in decision-making
and structure.
Creegan, Nicola Hoggard, and
Christine D. Pohl. Living on the Boundaries: Evangelical Women, Feminism,
and the Theological Academy. Downers
Grove: InterVarsity, 2005.
Creegan and Pohl examine the
landscape of evangelicalism with regard
to women in theological institutions.
Their methodology includes a survey
of women who have pursued vocations
in theological education. By interacting
with answers from these women as well
as relating personal experience, the book
attempts to give a picture of the tension
that exists for evangelical feminist women in the academy. In doing so, Creegan
and Pohl wish to encourage evangelical-feminist dialogue in the academic
world and an acceptance of egalitarian
principles in the practices of evangelical
institutions.
Scorgie, Glen G. The Journey Back
to Eden. Grand Rapids: Zondervan,
2005.
Scorgie argues that the Holy Spirit
is moving the church toward a model of
complete gender “equality, freedom, and
mutuality” (20). He asserts that while
God created gender relations as good,
the Fall initiated a pattern of gender oppression and dominance. Scorgie asserts
that the key to understanding the biblical
teaching on gender requires one to discern the “trajectory of the Spirit” present
in Scripture. According to Scorgie, just
as NT authors no longer advocate OT
practices such as the slaughter of unbe-
142
lievers, the gender ethic presented in the
NT is culturally conditioned. One must
acknowledge then, argues Scorgie, that
at times the New Testament does not
present a finalized ethic for all believers.
Rather, NT passages such as 1 Timothy
2 and Ephesians 5 make temporary accommodations for a persistent hierarchal
view of gender in the societies that the
apostles were trying to reach with the
gospel.
Stackhouse, John G., Jr., Finally
Feminist. Grand Rapids: Baker, 2005.
In this book, Stackhouse suggests a
paradigm that explains why both sides of
the gender debate are right and wrong at
the same time. In doing so, Stackhouse
does not propose a via media as some
have attempted. Instead, he argues that
some NT texts present a double message—one that accommodates cultural
patriarchy but also affirms its ultimate
abolition. Although Stackhouse asserts
that both complementarians and egalitarians are right and wrong on these gender-related texts, he proposes that when
properly understood, the Bible presents
an egalitarian model of gender roles with
no distinction of role or function in the
home, church, or society. Stackhouse
rightly points out that understanding the
Bible’s teaching on gender is a matter of
hermeneutics. He argues that egalitarians
have often mistakenly attempted to deny
gender differentiation in the NT. Maintaining that Paul did not have in mind
a hierarchal ordering of gender roles in
Ephesians 5, for example, is a wrong approach to biblical interpretation. Stackhouse concedes that complementarians
have correctly recognized a pattern of
male headship in the NT. According to
Stackhouse’s hermeneutic, however, the
purpose is pragmatic given the apostles’
eschatological expectations and the
FALL 2006
priority of the gospel in their ministries
(42). And in a society that vigorously
rejects patriarchy, Stackhouse suggests
that Christians should dismiss gender
distinctions, as they are no longer needed
as a social concession for the sake of the
gospel and that the complementarian
position has become incoherent in the
modern-day context. After conceding
hierarchal meanings in many biblical
texts, Stackhouse wonders why God
would call equal sexes to completely different roles and functions. He concludes
that this made sense in the biblical times
but no longer in a mostly-egalitarian
society. Stackhouse’s irenic tone can be
appreciated in this debate even though
complementarians, of course, will find his
method of biblical interpretation unacceptable, since it dismisses the gender
distinctions that Scripture recognizes as
good and Christ-honoring as culturally
insensitive and unnecessary.
Non-Evangelical Books
Cochran, Pamela D. H. Evangelical Feminism: A History. New York
& London: New York University Press,
2005.
According to the author, this book
follows “the story of the emergence
and theological development of biblical
feminism, why the members of the movement split, the results, and what all this
reveals about conservative Protestantism
and religion generally in contemporary
America.” Cochran rightly centers the
debate on the nature, meaning, and
scope of biblical authority and how
presuppositons and methods affect the
way the Bible is interpreted. She focuses
on the two leading evangelical feminist
organizations—the Evangelical Women’s
Caucus and Christians for Biblical
Equality—and chronicles not only their
beginnings, growth, and struggles, but
also their theological development and
progression.
Deweese, Charles W. Women
Deacons and Deaconesses: 400 Years of
Baptist Service. Macon, GA: Mercer
University, 2005.
This volume provides a history of
women serving as deacons and deaconesses in Baptist churches. Although
complementarians have allowed some
room for disagreement as to whether
Scripture allows for women deacons, Deweese argues for the inclusion of women
in the diaconate using clearly egalitarian
reasoning. Interestingly, while texts such
as Rom 16:1, 1 Tim 3:11, as well as the
nature of the diaconate itself, have been
used by some complementarians to support women’s inclusion as deacons, Deweese actually dismisses these verses as
inconclusive and appeals to the same arguments that egalitarians have espoused
in favor of women pastors. Moreover,
the positive examples of women in the
diaconate provided by Deweese are those
in which women have had governing
authority in the church.
Epp, Eldon Jay. Junia: The First
Woman Apostle. Minneapolis: Fortress
Press, 2005.
Epp’s primary purpose in this short
volume is to argue that Junia is both
female and an apostle. To build his argument, Epp demonstrates the inseparability of textual criticism and biblical interpretation. Pointing to 1 Cor 15:34–35 as
an example of exegetical concerns leading
to a text-critical conclusion of interpolation, Epp argues that similar exegesis
led to textual corruption of the feminine
form of Junia in Rom 16:7. Even though
this is in keeping with much of recent
evangelical scholarship, complementar-
143
ian and egalitarian alike, Epp devotes
most of his attention to these text-critical
matters. Epp gives far less time to the
more pertinent issue of translation of the
dative preposition en in Rom 16:7. Epp
concludes that this should be translated
as inclusive, “distinguished among the
apostles,” rather than the exclusive “wellknown to the apostles.”
Myers, David G., and Letha
Dawson Scanzoni. What God Has Joined
Together? A Christian Case for Gay Marriage. San Fransisco: HarperCollins,
2005.
This book claims to provide a
bridge between marriage-supporting
and gay-supporting people. Myers and
Scanzoni build a case for the legitimacy
and goodness of same-sex marriages. To
do so, the authors examine the nature
of homosexuality, the meaning of marriage, and even the biblical “evidence”
for their argument. Noteworthy are the
marriage paradigms noted by Myers and
Scanzoni, one in which complementary
gender makeup is the bottom line in life
and, thus, marriage, and another that
sees marriage primarily as an inclusive
covenant of fidelity and commitment and
is, therefore, open to homosexual unions.
And while the arguments presented
against gay marriage are fairly superficial
and biblical appeals are obviously weak,
it is important to note that at least these
authors see two marriage paradigms—
one based on creation and ordered by
complementarity and the other governed
by a liberal sexual ethic that is accepting
of homosexual marriage.
Olson, Laura R., Sue E. S. Crawford, and Melissa M. Deckman. Women
with a Mission. Tuscaloosa: University
of Alabama, 2005.
The authors of this volume con-
144
ducted research on the political attitudes
and activism of female clergy. They
examine the influence of gender roles
and professional experience on both
political ideology and mobilization of
clergywomen. The authors’ data suggests
a highly homogenous liberal political
outlook among female ministers and
rabbi with a focus primarily on social
injustices. This interest in issues such as
poverty and racial intolerance as well as
abortion and homosexual rights stems
largely from perceived professional discrimination. The authors suggest that
women clergy have the potential to affect
a relatively broad contingent of people as
they are uniquely positioned as females
championing liberal causes while at the
same time leading religious bodies that
are looking for spiritual guidance.
Ruether, Rosemar y Radford.
Goddesses and the Divine Feminine: A
Western Religious History. Berkeley:
University of California, 2005.
Ruether traces the history of goddesses and divine female imagery from
prehistoric society to modern-day Wiccan goddess worship. Ruether explores
goddess worship and religious life in
the ancient Mediterranean, arguing that
priestly duties were carried out in a fairly
egalitarian manner. She also discusses
biblical wisdom literature, arguing that
Wisdom is a female personification of
God—a Hebrew goddess. Ruether also
details ancient and Medieval Mariology in addition to modern Wiccan and
neopagan ecofeminists with a goal of
restoring the “feminine life principle” and
resisting patriarchal destruction.
Sax, Leonard. Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need
to Know about the Emerging Science of
Sex Differences. New York: Doubleday,
FALL 2006
2005.
Sax has written an important book
about recent scientific research on sex differences. He offers advice for parents and
educators on the importance of recognizing and welcoming gender-specific differences in child development. Bucking
the sociological trend of blurring gender
distinction, Sax explores the relationship
between gender and sexual activity as well
as parental discipline. Much to be welcomed are some of Sax’s arguments for
strong gender and age-related discipline
in the home, preferring an inductive,
reflective method of discipline for girls
and “power assertion,” including physical restraint and corporal punishment,
for boys. While one will certainly not
agree with every conclusion, this volume
provides a helpful reminder that gender
affects every aspect of life and that gender
differences need to be enforced in parenting and teaching.
Undeclared Books
Eldredge, John and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the
Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. Nashville:
Thomas Nelson, 2005.
John Eldredge, author of Wild at
Heart (Thomas Nelson, 2001), teams
up with his wife, Stasi, to offer a female
counterpart to the very popular men’s
volume. The Eldredges promise to connect women with their three core desires:
to be romanced, to play a part in their
own adventures, and to be beautiful.
The Eldredges can be appreciated and
commended for their realization of deep
God-given differences that exist at the
heart of masculinity and femininity, as
this flies in the face of cultural trends that
minimize gender distinction. Nonetheless, serious problems plague Captivating
in that it approaches femininity first and
foremost from human experience, leaving it with an inflated view of women
and an inadequate picture of God. For
a review of Captivating, see the article
by Donna Thoennes in the present issue
of JBMW.
James, Carolyn Custis. Lost Women of the Bible: Finding Strength & Significance through their Stories. Grand
Rapids: Zondervan, 2005.
James suggests that the model of
womanhood presented in the church
simply does not fit the experiences of
many women today. The book tries to
apply examples of marginalized women
in the Bible to the struggles of women
in the modern context. Problematic is
James’s picture of marriage as a “blessed
alliance” in which the woman is called
as a “strong warrior” to fight alongside
man in every sphere of life. James claims
that a proper understanding of the Hebrew word ezer—usually translated as
“helper”—sees the Garden of Eden as
a war zone in which man and woman
co-labored to exercise dominion over
the earth and fight against the enemy.
This ezer-warrior motif characterizes the
entirety of the book, as James sees this as
the essence of biblical femininity.
Murrow, David. Why Men Hate
Going to Church. Nashville: Nelson
Books, 2005.
Murrow observes the widespread
lack of men in churches and seeks to answer the question of what is driving them
away in modern Christianity. Through
examining various aspects of the differences between men and women, such as
physiological and psychological, he finds
that men want things such as adventure,
danger, and opportunities to take risks.
His conclusion is that men are being
driven away because they are not being
145
offered opportunities to be masculine in
the context of the local church. His solution is for churches to recover a place for
men through masculine-oriented leaders
and pastors (whether male or female),
teaching, worship, and ministry which
caters to the masculine spirit. Although
his observations are helpful, his pragmatic solutions and acceptance of women
pastors undermine the authority and
sufficiency of Scripture to provide what
men and churches need to recover biblical masculinity. What the church must
recover is a biblical understanding of sin
and its effect on men’s, as well as women’s,
God-given roles, and a faithful proclamation of the whole counsel of God which
includes not merely a risk-taking and
adventurous Christ, but rather a Christ
who gave himself up for his bride.
Seamands, Stephen. Ministry in
the Image of God: The Trinitarian Shape
of Christian Service. Downers Grove,
IL: InterVarsity, 2005.
It is not Seamand’s intention in
this volume to deal specifically with
the issue of gender as it relates to the
Christian life and ministry. He argues
and demonstrates that in an age when
the Trinity is largely misunderstood
and ignored, a fuller understanding of
it provides a pattern for how Christian
ministry should be done. However, he
includes a chapter on the mutual selfdenial and deference of the Father, Son,
and Holy Spirit. As each person of the
Godhead denies and defers himself for
the sake of the others, he argues that each
“finds his personhood by being subject to
the others and allowing his identity to be
established by the others” (80). Seamands
also attributes the Gospel of John’s minimization of the self-giving and deferring
nature of the triune persons to his emphasis on the economic trinity. This, he
146
says, is not the way it was from eternity
past. Although he does not deal specifically with gender as it relates to ministry,
certainly these ideals will lend themselves
to a form of egalitarian ministry.

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