The Puppets Joke Book 2013 - The Magical Ventriloquist

The Puppets Joke book
By Karl Jeffery - The Magical Ventriloquist
Copyright
All rights reserved. No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any
form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording, or by any information and retrieval storage system, without written
permission from the author.
©Copyright 2013 by Karl Jeffery. All rights reserved worldwide.
The Puppets Joke book
Contents
Jokes Willy’M Loves To Tell!
4
Jokes That Make The Monkey Funny!
6
Hilarious Jokes From Hairy Bear!
8
Jokes From The Magical Dragon!
10
Feathered Funnies From Douglas !
14
Even More Willy’M Jokes !
16
Jokes Willy’M Loves To Tell
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t wash?
A smellyphant
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra
What goes 'peck-peck bang, peck-peck bang, peck-peck
bang'?
A chicken playing with a balloon
What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit
An egg
What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?
A cloud
What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?
A cow that can milk itself
What has four legs and flies ?
A pig
What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes
Whats green and can jump 2 miles in a minute?
A frog with hiccups
Whats white on the outside, green on the inside
and comes with sauce and onions?
A hot frog
What animal goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse
What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse
Why did the sheep say "moo"?
It was learning a new language
What kind of tie does a pig wear?
A Pig's tie
What did the chicken say when it laid a square egg?
Ouch
What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up
with giraffes moving another way?
A giraffic jam
Which ant is an army officer?
The Sergeant
What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh
Jokes That Make The Monkey Funny
What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey
What is a mouse's favourite game?
Hide and squeak
What do monkeys eat for dessert?
Chocolate chimp cookies
What musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ
What do snakes write at the bottom of their letters?
With Love and Hisses
What did the cat get when he locked the mouse in the freezer?
Mice cubes
What do you get if you cross a Gorilla with Martial arts?
Kong-fu
What do you get if you cross a road with a safari park?
Double yellow lions
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner?
A Kong-vict
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment
What game do cows play at parties?
Moosical chairs
What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe?
A long necked toothbrush
How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A phew
How do fleas travel from place to place?
They itch hike
If you put 30 monkeys and 30 Apes in a bedroom, what have
you got?
A very large bedroom
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A wonkey
Do mermaids use knives and forks when they eat?
No, they use their fish fingers
What do you get if you cross a bee and a coach?
A Buzz
Hilarious Jokes From Hairy Bear
What do you get if you cross a cow pat with a pudding?
A smelly jelly
Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket
into the toaster?
He popped out of bed
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A polo bear
Why did the farmer sleep under his old tractor?
He wanted to wake up oily in the morning
What do you get if you cross a frog with a traffic warden?
Toad away
What do you get if you cross a dog with a vampire?
A were-woof
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing
What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet
What kind of bears like to go out in the rain?
Drizzly bears.
What kind of pet did Aladdin have?
A flying car-pet
What do you get if you cross a magic spell with a couple of
snakes?
Addercadabra and abradacobra
What do you get if you cross a bear with a freezer?
A teddy brrrrr
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot
What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
Santa Claws
What do you call a man who forgets to put his pants on?
Nicholas
What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars?
Jack-u-la
What do you call a horse that eats Indian food?
Onion Bha-gee-gee
What do you get if you cross a skunk with rubber boots?
Smelly wellies
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rock-et
What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot
Jokes From The Magical Dragon
What does a magician like to keep up his sleeves?
His arms
What do you get if you cross a herb with Doctor Who?
A thyme machine
What do you get if you cross motorcycle and a funny story?
A Yamaha ha ha ha
What do you get if you cross a skeleton, a feather, and a joke
book?
Rib ticklers
What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a
vegetable?
A common tater
What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a camera?
A snapshot
How do you take a pig to hospital?
By hambulance
When is a piece of plastic like a king?
When it's a ruler
What snakes are good at sums?
Adders
Why is everyone so tired on April the 1st?
Because they've just finished a long March
What do you get if you cross a football team with a bunch of
silly jokers?
Mad jester United
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
I can't, it hasn't been made yet.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts
What's green and bouncy?
A bogie on a pogo stick
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad
What snakes are best for cars?
Windscreen vipers
Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being amoosed
How do fish get to school?
By octobus
What has four legs but can't walk?
A table
What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow
Jokes that tickle the Tortoise
Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time
A jelly copter
What’s green and yellow and red and blue and purple and
brown and black and white?
A box of crayons
Why did the toilet roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom
Did you hear about the boy who stole some rhubarb?
He was put into custardy
Why was the broom late?
It over swept
What do you call a bee that is always complaining?
A grumble bee
What do you call a flock of birds who fly in formation?
The red sparrows
What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailor
What do you get when you put a car and a pet together?
A Carpet
What’s black & white & red all over
A sun burnt penguin
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies
Where do cows watch new films?
At the moo-vies
What do you call a frog that helps children safely across the
road?
The green cross toad
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck
A duck filled fatty puss
What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?
A maybee.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a can of fizzy
pop?
Croak-a-cola.
Where do rabbits learn to fly?
In the Hare Force
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
It had mittens
What do you call a lion who’s eaten your mums sister?
An aunt-eater
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have enough guts
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
Jellyfish
How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
Someone took a corner
Feathered Funnies From Douglas
What is a birds favourite TV show?
The feather forecast
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on
an orange?
“Dad, look what marma-laid”
Who tells jokes to chickens?
Comedihens
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie
How do you stop a chicken clucking on Sunday?
Eat it on Saturday
When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they're going cheap
Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin
Which birds steal soap from the bath?
Robber ducks
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers
What do owls sing when it is raining?
'Too wet to woo'
What happens when a ducks flies upside down?
It quacks up
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot
What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A firequaker
What do you get if you cross a spider with a computer?
A web-site
Where do you take sick ponies?
To the horsepital
What question can never be answered with a 'yes?'
Are you asleep?
Even More Willy’M Jokes
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
Squidnappers
What is dry on the outside, filled with water, and blows up
buildings?
A fish tank
How do you fit more pigs on a farm?
In a sty-scraper
What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head
What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer
What sweets do frogs like to eat?
Lollihops
What’s green and yellow and red and blue and purple and
brown and black and white
A box of crayons
Why was the sea wet?
Because the sea weed
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What's green and bouncy?
A bogie on a pogo stick
Why didn't the maggots get on Noah's Ark in an apple?
Because they were supposed to go in pairs
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To cockadoodle dooo something
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a
goat?
He had to get a new goat
What is the difference between roast chicken and pea
green soup?
Anyone can roast chicken
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get a new fence
What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
An umbrellaphant
What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
An elephant holding its breath
What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow
How do you know when an elephant is under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet
What's grey, pretty, and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant
What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up
when your ill?
A get wellephant
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost
What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Granddad’s pants?
Grandma on washday
About the Author
Karl Jeffery is one of the most sought after
entertainers in the North East of England. Since 2003
he has been captivating audiences with his
refreshing style of original family entertainment. By
blending ventriloquism with magic and comedy, then
giving it a fresh twist, Karl has created a one of a
kind, puppet filled, magical experience for audiences
of all ages.
Owing to his natural ability to entertain both children and families, Karl Jeffery
works all over the UK, accepting requests for all kinds of events ranging from
theatre shows, to corporate family fun days, schools, and children’s birthday
parties.
Karl Jeffery is one of the very few professional ventriloquists in the whole of
the UK. What makes him so unique is that he specialises in entertaining
children and families. He provides today’s audiences with an unforgettable
theatrical experience that will leave them laughing long after the show is over.
He creates, writes, and performs all his own material. His shows are clean,
but very funny, and Karl is quickly establishing himself as one of the UK’s
hottest rising stars.
Karl Jeffery, The Magical Ventriloquist has helped turn thousands of events
into an unforgettable success using his secret formula of mischievous
puppets, ventriloquism, magic, and laughter. For more details visit the official
website www.themagicalventriloquist.co.uk
Or email: karl@themagicalventriloquist.co.uk
Karl Jeffery is the author of ‘How To Have a Stress Free and Successful
Birthday Party’.
In May 2013 it was officially the ‘Number 1′ book in its category on
Amazon, and has been enjoyed worldwide, read by people as far away
as Japan, Germany, France, Canada, India, the USA, and here in the UK.