Ormond Art Show

Issue 11, 11th September 2011
The R
Pidgeon-Hole
Going the
Distance
O
THE
et nova, et cetera...
BANG!
BANG!
RMONDIAN
a publication of the OCSC
2
I am outraged.
When the Ormond art community finally
wends its way out of the provincial taste
backwater it has been mired in since the
last century, it might begin to understand
that art is more than a Dale Chihully installation, a Thomas Kincade Christmas
cottage or a portrait of Herb Moore. Then
perhaps it will finally realize that my art
speaks to the people. It speaks, it sings, on
a level so primal and visceral that it permeates into one’s very bones, drumming out
an ancient rhythm, a rhythm that has beat
within our very DNA since we first looked
at a cracked, empty cave wall and said,
“Here I will scratch out my dreams and
days so that others may share them.”
Love my damn bees.
Fin.
Dear Drew,
The Art Sub-Committee wishes to extend their deepest regret at the misfortune which has
befallen you and your ‘bees’.
In order to rectify this tragedy, they have organized for your work to be immortalized in
the pages of the Ormondian. We hope that this gesture is satisfactory.
Once again, we are most remorseful for this disaster.
Have a nice day.
3
Table of Contents
Meet Jeremy!
2
Ormond Bites
4
Secretly Lonely?
5
Rejected!
6
The People’s Choice
7
Going The Distance
8
Bang Bang!
10
Leaders Laid Bare
12
CoolRob
16
The Fun Stuff!
18
Editors’ Note
Oh Hi Readers!
It’s been a hectic two weeks, but we
finally have a new GC! We’re proud
to have this bunch representing
Ormond Town, cos they’re totally
helping us own that ‘hottest college
on the crescent” status. Keep up the
good work kids, and congratulations to you all on being so darned
beautiful, inside and out.
This issue we’re all about the warm
and fuzzy. Bridie serenades her
adored Jeremy, Ryan Hodgeman is
in love, and Cool Rob treats us to
some romantic advice with a subtlety akin to our new sustainability
posters. While we’re not suggesting you make showering with your
neighbours a more intimate experience than it already is (saving water
is really an added bonus...) we do
think it’s super important we all
look out for our fellow Ormondians.
You never know who’s having a hard
time, and we all face some level of
social anxiety daily. Check out our
editorial for your esteemed editor’s
thoughts on being secretly lonely in
this crazy college.
Love, Your Editors
4
College News... Nom Nom Nom Sized!
Cup Conspiracy Continues!
The continuing lack of cups has
resulted in frustrated factions forming during mealtimes. Over lunch,
Amani accused Main Building ‘rats’
of being the culprits only to be shut
down by Claire Garratt. Quote:
“there are no cups in MB kitchenettes…or in people’s rooms!” The
finger was then pointed at McCaughey residents as “they have the
furthest to walk” to and from meals.
The ‘Cack Shack crew deflected,
arguing the SCR could be equally as
culpable. Eventually, someone highlighted that officially there are 316
glasses ‘missing’…surely the amount
of broken and chipped glasses are
not being taken into account? The
table was left in stunned silence to
contemplate this mystery, no, the
CONSPIRACY of the missing
cups.
Super-Cute Sustainability
Under the auspice of the Sustainability Sub, Dan Candy has launched
a campaign designed to drastically
cut Ormond’s water and electricity
usage (and bill!). From subsidised
drying racks to shower timers, the
subcommittee has campaigned
using a plethora of eco-friendly
witticisms. The shower series featured amazing Futurama-inspired
work by Charlie Shenton as well as
phrases such as ‘Jono thinks washing is mainstream’. Residents of
Main Building woke up to find an
eco-prank played on all the toilets,
which had been locked for 24 hours
“in support of Sustainability Week.”
However, people managed a laugh
and got around this awesome cause!
The Quad That Rocked
After the hype built from many
formal dinner announcements,
chalk graffitti and Arthur’s supercute letter, Splendour in the Quad
was certainly not a let-down. With
an amazing stage and phenomenal
lighting and sound set up, the Quad
was rocking. The aptly named ‘Grad
Band’ opened followed by the LoLplaying A3 group ‘Okotapus’. Musical highlights included Brown Town
getting nakey for the crowd, Taylor
smashing some Taio Cruz and Nonconsensual Sax with Tori’s ‘Kids’.
The ‘3-Chairs and Ollie’ panel of
judges declared Mikehunt (made up
of Taylor, Dick, Eivid and Addison)
winners and subsequently, Ormond’s
representation in the ICAC Battle
of the Bands.
Premiers!
Oh ma gawd! Laura Berthold lead
the Ormond Women’s Football
team to a successfully defend their
premiership. Saturday started strong
with a quick 10-0 defeat of Mary’s.
The UC girls went down 28 – 2,
resulting in VC Bainbridge having
to make good on her promise to
shout the team drinks if they scored
4 goals in a game. On Sunday,
despite Kendall’s highly effective
tactic of ‘musical distraction’, Bridie
‘Maddog’ Walsh powered through
to score a spectacular goal for a
6 – 2 victory. Finally, 2010 captain
Sarah ‘Shep’ was there to witness the
intense Grand final match that resulted in Hilda’s going down 8 – 2.
Despite injuries, bizarre insults and
male distractions in netball dresses,
Ormond women once again dominated the intercollegiate football
scene!
Keying In
Ormond basketball’s premiership
campaigns have kicked off this
week! After a loss to Kendall, the
girls had a convincing 26 – 8 victory over Newman. Kali Hamilton
struggled to lose her AFL roots
as she cleaned up the court, while
Smax, Liv Barlow and Soph literally towered over their opponents.
On Wednesday, the men went up
against Mary’s. Jellet’s boys were
tied with only minutes on the clock,
but pulled through to win by 4
points. Amani Green’s loud commentary (“That’s the worst shot I’ve
ever seen!”) was not appreciated by
the opposition. A suited-up Shiraz
“got all up in the grill” of the ref, despite pleas from his team to “chill”.
With their wins, both teams have
done enough to qualify for the quarterfinals. Their competition should
be quaking in their high tops!
Secretly Lonely
Living at Ormond, it can be hard to
understand why sometimes you feel
lonely. It goes against everything
Ormond is (on the surface at least)
– Uni students living literally meters
away from each other, sharing bathrooms and secrets, pyjamas, food
and everything in between. But no
matter where you live, you’ve probably been hit by a bout of loneliness
at some point. Nobody wants to be
the first to admit they’re lonely, in
case they’re the only one. But we all
know the feeling.
There’s an assumption and overwhelming perception that you’re
not supposed to feel lonely here. At
Ormond, it’s not unusual to have a
large number of acquaintances. Encounters with Ormondians happen
everywhere. In the dinner line, JC
Bar, when someone rescues you at
the gate with their proxy. While this
means we’re constantly in contact
with people, it doesn’t necessarily
mean that it’s socially fulfilling.
Francis Ormond once said “one
proxy swipe does not a true friend
make”. By this, he meant: to have
more than a surface level relationship with someone you need to
properly engage with them. Many
people struggle with keeping up a
large number of friendships or acquaintances. Some just like to have
their close group of friends. Every
now and again though, we need to
step outside these tight knit groups.
Ormond doesn’t work if we all just
5
Editorial
live in our separate little circles. This
is when we become strangers to
each other and the loneliness kicks
in when our ‘circle’ is not constantly
around. It means that we become
focused on reinforcing our own
group (or trying to find one) and
miss out on meeting other really
cool Ormondians.
While the year usually starts with
open and friendly dialogue between
anyone and everyone, as the year
progresses this culture becomes
somewhat subdued. That’s when all
of a sudden you find yourself not
knowing how to sit next to someone
you haven’t met.
The dining hall, while a massively
social hub, can also be one of the
scariest places at Ormond. Picture
this…Your bowl of soup is burning in one hand as you scoop up
a spoon. You’re standing in the
open door and can’t see anyone you
know…cue INTERNAL PANIC!
At this point, you have three options. First, there’s the ‘back away’,
reversing into the kitchen hovering
around awkwardly until you sight a
friend to latch onto (assuming you
haven’t sent text messages to everyone you know to coordinate timings). Second, you could sprint away,
to consume your meal alone in your
room (and risk third degree burns
from your soup). Or you could take
a seat next to someone, anyone and
strike up a conversation. You may
just be surprised to find what you
have in common with some of your
fellow Ormondians.
Now, not everyone has to be out
there and social. Getting involved
in every subcommittee/event/
fundraiser. Just being a part of this
community going here, not just
living here. There is a big difference
between being alone and feeling
lonely. Alone time is good, everyone
needs alone time.
However, keep look out for fellow
Ormondians. Tight groups are great
but they’re pretty intimidating from
the outside. Notice when someone
seems left out, start a whole table
conversation or introduce people
who may not know each other/have
forgotten names. It is important to
be aware of our fellow Ormondians
because people can go unoticed. We
all feel lonely sometimes, and we
can help each other out – and by
doing so, help ourselves.
Otherwise, let’s just hope there’s
spaghetti on menu. Because no one
is lonely eating spaghetti…
Have You Felt Like This?
Join The Discussion Online.
http://ormondian.ormond.
unimelb.edu.au
6
A Different Experience
Waking up, brushing your teeth,
throwing on some clothes and
rushing to class. Making your way
through about a thousand students
every day, you walk the same path,
the same buildings, at the same time
and probably even see the same
faces. Coffee down the bend from
Kere Kere, “2 dollars 60, Thank you!”
and through South lawn, back to
college.
But have you ever thought those
buildings around University could
be anything more than just dull
brown stoned structures you walk
past every other day to class? We
are so consumed by our daily livesfriends, work, sleep, food and whatever there is to that, that we don’t
realise things around us. That is,
unless you visit the same place at a
different time.
Nikita Nikalje
There I was, in all my PA’s finery,
feet sore from dancing, making my
way slowly back to college after a
fun night out. Down the usual path,
with no one for company, the chilly
cold Melbourne weather piercing
my skin. Yet something about my
surrounding felt familiarly unfamiliar. It was a surprisingly estranged
place I found myself in. Looking
around me I realised that I had
unconsciously sauntered through
university.
It’s funny how observant and critical you become of your surrounding when you are alone at night.
The throngs of people, the talk and
laughter were gone. The cold wind
and the beautiful trees were my only
company. But really, it was just me
and this place that I thought I knew.
Being in such a familiar surrounding
but still feeling disoriented made me
question my knowledge about this
place. It made me realise that how
much ever I tried to feel like I belonged here, I didn’t know anything.
Walking past those familiar buildings and wondering about their
existence, their architectural beauty,
the culture and the history they
probably held in them the many
years of their existence. The numerous students they had embraced
in the years they have been there
holding up this institution. Each
cafe, each door and each building
looked different that night. Everything made me wonder how many
students have walked past them and
how many will still.
Observing this beautiful majestic
institution made me realise that we
are so soaked up in our daily lives
that we tend to forget so many
things in life that are out there, that
we are a part of. It’s by being in
these places at a different time and a
different atmosphere that makes you
realise how much meaning a place
holds within itself in regard to you
as an individual. It makes you experience a place in a different light.
w
o
h
S
t
r
A
d
n
o
m
Or
7
Sam Taylor, Julia Rose-O’Conner & Meg Whittaker
There was an immense amount of
talent on display at the Art Show
– including a lot of unexpected last
minute additions. During the opening, amidst champagne-drinking
and speeches from the illustrious
Art Heads, a student moved his
study base into the technology
room. He then displayed a card,
reading ‘The Silent Studier – Performance Piece’… and preceded to
study throughout the whole show.
Renowned artists Jack Hargreaves
and James Litchfield also honoured
the show with their respective architectural entries ‘Brass pipes’ and
‘Jutting Bricks.’ Aside from these
spontaneous expressions, more serious entries included Robert Mearns’
thought-provoking sculpture
‘SWOTVAC’, Oscar’s minimalistic
sketch and Stef McMahon’s visual
memoirs from her kindergarten
years.
The Winners
Each of the following talented individuals were lucky enough to take out
prizes in the 2011 Art Show.
1st Place: Anzac Newman
2nd Place: Ellie Kent
Portrait Competition:
Sam Taylor
Art Heads Choice:
Nicola Read
People’s Choice:
Eivind Dovik
Worst Piece: Oscar Davies
8
A Fresher’s Perspective On Long Distance Relationships
I am an interstate student. I’m
young, inexperienced and very naive.
overcome.
Lack of communication is a
problem not just in LDR’s, but
in ‘normal’ relationships too.
But my significant other doesn’t live True, the issue is magnified
with me here at Ormond. They don’t when the face-to-face element
live in Melbourne, or even Victoria. isn’t present. But if the basis
They live 655.3 kilometres away in
for trust isn’t there in the first
suburban Adelaide. This puts me
place, then your relationship
(along with many other college stu- is going to collapse anyway.
dents) in the unenviable position of It’s particularly important to
being in a long distance relationship. establish channels of communication with your partner if
The words, “long distance relationyou’re serious about long-distance.
ship” (LDR), have almost always
Luckily, technology nowadays is
had an unsavoury taint about them. making it easier and easier. Not only
Whenever you hear someone mendo we have increasing global access
tion that they’re in one, you autothrough the internet and phone
matically feel sorry for them, as the
networks, but there are some pretty
common perception is that LDRs
innovative inventions out there to
are ‘doomed to failure’. And the
help you feel close to your partner.
statistics agree; a study conducted
In my personal experience it’s better
in 2010 found that 42% of couples
to send letters instead of emails, use
in LDR’s broke up within the first
Skype instead of voice calling (it’s
6 months. The odds aren’t great, and cheaper too!) and text small updates
the problems can be overwhelming. frequently instead of long ones occasionally.
The most common problems I have
experienced (and been warned
The second (and most worrying!)
about) are a lack of communication, problem that I’ve encountered in
loss of empathy and deprivation of
my struggles has been a gradual
intimacy. For many people these
loss of the ability to empathize with
three factors soon become too much my partner. Imagine seeing an old
to deal with, usually resulting in a
high school friend for the first time
mutual separation. It seems like it’s
in years. They’ve had a completely
simply too hard to have a relationdifferent set of experiences that you
ship with someone you don’t see all
weren’t around for and, as a result,
the time. But these hurdles can be
their personality and character has
Ryan Hodgeman
Also, I’m in love.
subtly changed. Sometimes it can
feel like you’re talking with a different person to the one you knew.
When this happens with your partner it can feel like a betrayal. Like a
stranger has stepped into the shoes
of the person you fell in love with
and then expects you to know them
as well as you used to. This can be
hard to deal with. The solution is to
keep updated on what each other
are experiencing. Their hardships,
triumphs and the boring details of
their life make them who they are.
You shouldn’t be afraid to talk about
the most trivial things in order to
maintain your understanding of
each other.
The complaint I hear most often
(and often voice myself ) is about
the lack of intimacy. Sex is important. VERY important. But not nec-
9
essarily in the way you’re thinking
of. The most important thing about
sex is breaking down barriers, which
can be achieved by having a D&M
every once in a while. The sexual
tension doesn’t go astray in enhancing the mutual desire to see each
other again either, so it’s fun to send
them a saucy message every now
and then! Obviously, make sure to
physically visit as often as you can.
Besides, after a month of chastity,
the sex is absolutely amazing ;-)
The bottom line is that if you truly
love someone, you’ll go out of your
way to sustain that relationship. The
little things become even more important in a long distance relationship, and LDR’s most certainly don’t
work for everybody. But you can
hope, and try, because it’s the effort
that counts.
Can Long Distance Go The
Distance At Ormond?
“I broke up a few months into college.. I think in Ormond there
are just so many people around you, it is difficult to fully immerse
yourself in the college experience if you are committed to some one in
another continent and you are just eighteen.” -Ryan Durairaj
“ It is totally worth it .. My relationship started off as a long distance ..It
has been really good and as time passes it is only going to get better..I can
feel it” -Addison Davis
“If you want to be with someone, there is nothing that should keep you
apart...Love > Distance…you work your way around it …make a few
sacrifices and everything just works itself out.” -Ankita Nikalje
“I think it depends on the person. It works for me because I haven’t found
anyone else at college I want to be with... It is hard seeing how convenient
it is for other people in their college relationships. But I think having an
interstate relationship would be harder than an overseas long-distance one,
just because you’d get to see each other sometimes - but you’d always be saying goodbye.” -Kaoma Bechaz
“If you have a relationship with an end point in mind, it could work. If
you don’t know when you’re going to see the other person again, it’s incredibly tough, but if you have a plan- like when you finish studying you’re
going to try and be together, then yes it could last.” -Arthur Thevathasan
Hilary Binks was careful. So
careful, in fact, that she had
her escort in Callum Gordon
on the first day of Assassins- a
day that usually results in many
careless deaths, when the
level of Assassins paranoia is
still reasonably low. However,
being walked to her car on
the way to work simply wasn’t
cautious enough- an enthusiastic
Lily Protter lay in wait, and
proceeded to pounce upon her
victim the minute said escort
was out of earshot. Despite our
toothfairy’s genuine distress on
being killed mere hours after the
game had begun, Lily still saw
fit to spend the day singing “I
killed a fairy, I killed a fairy!”
10
Players from Assassins 2010 had noted the distince lack of activity coming from Tom
with the tough task of murdering a Dis-O girl, (they are notorious for traveling in pa
of seven cnsirators and through hiding in Picken closet. He proceeded with the fol
Not everybody died a noble death. Georgia
Brough was confronted with a crippling
near death experience when Naomi Read
walked on to her film set at VCA, ready to
shoot. However, upon arriving our Nomie
found the situation “so awkward” that she
didn’t have the heart to pursue. Eventually
Georgia found her at college and, on both
knees, begged for the persecution to end.
Thus ended the life of Georgia Brough on
her own terms.
It’s 2:30AM on a Sunday morning. A loud banging
from Dan Lebeitzkin wakes up one William Mosley
from his beauty sleep. He quickly reveals that there
is a girl passed out in the corridor. The discerning
Mosley, who is also partially naked, suspects a trap
but the girl rolls over to reveal vomit on the floor.
Dan ventures to get help and Mosley, becoming
worried, walks over to the victim. Lucy Buchan turns
on the floor to face him and says soberly: “Bang
bang.” Fake vomit, she’s dressed for the kill, and
thus a victim becomes a victor.
Thirteen kills doth a hero make, but thirte
guard down-or rather gave her guard Add
door and first-time murderer Jacinda Care
then shed a few tears at her own demise,
silver lining!
om Tom Jellett’s end of the Brotherhood corridor this game season. Shafted
g in packs), Tom finally managed to take down Polly Paradise with the help
the following killing spree, nay massacre, during the next 24 hours:
Eva Deutscher
Sean Cullen
Ellie Kent
11
Giovanni
Antony Eshani Matthews
Bianca Went
Hana Maeorg
Kali Hamilton
Andrew Lam
...Five minutes after
the passing of Lam,
he was killed by
Valentina Vos.
Valentina Vos is a woman of
many skills, and she can count
patience as one of them.
Her first week of Assassins
was a steady stream of hours
spent waiting patiently for
her targets to emerge from
showers, bedrooms, or tutes,
punctured by the occasional
class or lecture, accompanied
by her faithful Naomi Read and
Lily Protter. After staking out
in the quad for two hours to
kill Jack Hargreaves with Sam
Taylor, she quickly realised
her little red and black cards
would eventually lead her to
her murdering main man. She
had to make a choice: Break
the alliance and continue the
game, or peacefully bow out
and potentially lose. Which
would you choose?
t thirteen also proved the unluckiest of all numbers for our favourite hit girl. Valentina Vos let her
rd Addison Davis a five second break on the Chapel walkway. Conspirators hastened to shut the
a Carey took her down with those two fatal words. She responded with an articulate “Oh, what?”
emise, before joyfully realising she could now go to the bathroom on her own. Every cloud has a
12
Austin Van-Groningen
- General Committee
Sarah Maxwell
- General Committee
The Ormondian: Should Matt Howard
be asked if the punch is alcoholic?
The Ormondian: We hear you committed mass destruction at Trinity Ball?
Austin: Well, that’s tough. You’ve put
me in a corner here! Matt’s intentions
were good. The consequences were
severe. All is forgiven now!
Sarah: I was leaning against a table,
trying not to be so tall, and the table
tipped over. The glass top slid off and
shattered all over me, I had 15 stitches
in my back and hand. And now I’m too
scared to visit Trinity because I’m the
girl who broke the table!
O: We have to ask… Who convinced
you to call Mosley a cockhead at his
21st speech?
A: It was under my own volition! I
was looking at a map to his house and
observed that he lived on the corner of
Cochrane and Head Streets. In context
it was spelt COC-Head.
O: What do you think your experiences
on this year’s GC will add to next year’s
GC?
A: For me, it’s not so much the experience that’s important but maintaining
the momentum of the efforts of last
year’s GC. There are always unrealized
plans at the end of the year and having
worked with the GC this year I’m in a
better position to try and make them
happen next year.
O: You’re a science student studying for
the GAMSAT, what is it that makes you
devote time to college despite having
such a hectic uni schedule?
S: I’ve just found that Ormond has
given me the chance to be a different
person. I’ve really found my feet here.
There are so many opportunities here,
it’s so engaging. This is the time of our
lives, we might as well enjoy it.
O: Since you’re on sustainability, can
you give us a heads up as to who locked
all the toilet doors on Monday?
S: I was wondering that as well! I woke
up and just climbed over the top of the
door. It was really funny, so I climbed
over the door again when I was done to
leave it locked for the next person.
Jono Thomas
- General Committee
The Ormondian: You were only going
to stay at Ormond one year. What was it
that made you stay?
Jono: Really, it was how much I enjoyed
the last month of first year, hanging out
on Picken lawn and meeting people.
I genuinely got to know most people
in that last month and decided I really
liked them. It’s the people that made me
stay.
O: Why is specism the same as racism?
J: Treating a sentient being differently,
purely on the basis of species, is equivalent to treating a human being differently, purely on the basis of race.
O: As a smoko head, you spend most
smokos sober. What’s the cheekiest
thing you’ve ever witnessed at one?
J: Well it’s not specifically cheeky, but
I love watching the demographic who
don’t sing ‘land of hope and glory’ at the
end. Some people are just too drunk,
some people are really TC. Some are
regulars who always stand in the corner
and don’t join in and it’s interesting to
think about their reasons behind it.
13
Billy Thomas
- General Committee
Sophie Parr
- General Committee
Sebastian Wood
- General Committee
The Ormondian: What would you prioritise, a date with Liv or a GC meeting?
The Ormondian: What’s your opinion
on women being traditionally under
represented in leadership roles at Ormond?
The Ormondian: Why do we hear your
voice when we get Loraine’s room
phone voicemail?
Billy: A date with Liv! I’m yet to experience the pleasure of a GC meeting, so
I couldn’t judge.
O: Do you think being in your reasonably good physical shape helps you
represent Ormond better?
B: It doesn’t necessarily help me represent Ormond, but I always think: Look
Good, Feel Good. When I look good, I
work better.
O: How do you feel being sports rep
has prepared you for the GC? Do you
think you can adequately represent the
non-sporting side of the OCSC?
B: Being a part of intercollegiate sport
with Smax has given me a hint of what
GC might be like, and it’s helped me
quite a lot. One of the things I’m worried about is that people here see me
as one-dimensional and that I’m only
interested in sport. I hope throughout
the year I’ll be able to prove that this
isn’t the case at all.
Sophie: I really think it’s a testament
to the cohort we have here at Ormond
that there’s four women on the GC
for next year. All the girls are just so
excited that this is changing and our
demographic is seeing the person and
not the gender. I would love to think I
was elected because of who I am and
not because I’m female.
O: Speaking of women in power, what
happened between you and Anna Bainbridge?
S: I was waiting for that question! Gags.
Apparently Harry didn’t want to share
and that still hurts.
O: This is from Jono Thomas: Name
five songs that have never been in the
top 40?
S: Oh, “I’m Jono and I’m too alternative
to listen to anything that’s mainstream!”
I like Katy Perry okay… it’s top 40 for
a reason!
Seb: For a small weekly fee, I am her
personal assistant. I manage her very
hectic social schedule. The weekly fee
will not be disclosed.
O: What is the key to excellent sandwich bar treatment at an Ormond
lunch?
S: If the sandwich is made with beetroot, package it on the side so I can
include it later. Also, deliver it to my
fridge.
O: What’s your opinion on morality in a residential environment? Do
you think we generally uphold the five
values of our community?
S: I think the key to achieving the best
living environment is paying attention
to the key details. Thinking about the
little things, like giving someone a hug
or making them hot chocolate, and
leaving a place cleaner than you arrived,
really makes everyone feel welcome and
supported.
14
Poppy McBain
- General Committee
Will Mosley
- General Committee
Laura Berthold
- General Committee
The Ormondian: You’ve spent a lot of
time at other colleges through being
ICAC rep… what’s something you’ve
seen at another college you’d like Ormond to adopt?
The Ormondian: What would it take
for you to give up Forrest Trivia?
The Ormondian: Tell us the story of
your srs faceplant at BRB!
Will: Trivia is my love, my life. I’d
rather lose a limb.
Poppy: At Queens, they have to fill
every table before starting a new one. It
means that the freshers get to meet the
seniors a lot faster, which might explain
their amazing attendance at sports
games.
O: Tell us how you crushed Bryce’s
laptop…
Laura: Well, I’m pretty sure I was
out in the quad, dancing with Annie
House, and Annie had just found out
she’d got into exchange and I was really
sad about her leaving… Gravity just got
the better of me and it was like BAM!
O: We hear you play a cheeky game
involving some nudity and your key in
the door… pls explain?
P: Oh, I use that when I’m not being
productive and I need an adrenaline
rush! And it’s not a game, because I am
the only winner! I leave my key in the
door when I’m naked and see how long
I can go, knowing anyone could just
walk in.
O: And what’s your record time?
P: A good fourty minutes, doing an
essay. The adrenaline ran out after ten
minutes and then I was like… oh, I
can’t be bothered wearing pants.
W: It wasn’t my fault! Belle, Bryce and
I were preparing to leave Inverloch,
packing bags etc. Unbeknownst to me,
Bryce had taken our bags to the back
of the Tarago, but the car was locked
so he left them behind the rear wheel.
It quickly occurred to me to drop by
BWS and restock the fridge, and Bryce
jumped in the passenger seat. (Raises
voice) WHO leaves bags behind the
car and sits next to the driver, who is
reversing, without mentioning it? I
reversed over our bags and had them
within the wheel arch for about 20m
until I worked out the problem. I
thus destroyed Bryce’s laptop that was
within one of the bags. The honourable
man that I am, we split the cost 50/50.
O: Just one word: Why?
W: Self love gets me through…
O: Were you honing your Secretary
skills with the Facebook AGM thread?
L: My minutes were far more extensive
than Drew’s have ever been. Lol.
O: You’ve been a leader for two OWeeks, what’s your favourite memory
and what did you learn?
L: Seeing the freshers jump in the river,
but I defs wasn’t worried. I thought it
was the best thing I’d ever seen in my
life. The Dis-O Week leader group is
a very similar size to the GC, and I’ve
learnt to listen to different people’s
opinions through having that experience. You need to be able to listen or
everyone is just screaming at each other,
especially with this very vocal GC
group (laughs).
15
Valentina Vos
- Sports Rep
The Ormondian: You killed 13 people in
Assassins this year. How do you plan to
use this killer instinct in intercollegiate
sport?
Valentina: Well, I killed thirteen people… there’s eleven people in a hockey
team. You do the math.
Harry Sewerd
- Sports Rep
The Ormondian: You’re a sports rep,
how do you rate your sporting prowess,
particularly in rowing and footy?
The Ormondian: What intercollegiate
event would you introduce to ICAC if
you could?
Harry: Well, I’d say my enthusiasm far
outweighs my prowess on the field.
Anna: Intercollegiate open-mic nights,
which I hope we will do.
O: Anything to add to that?
O: Recount for us Billy Thomas’s
response to Tink preventing Peter and
Wendy’s kiss…
O: An inside source tells us your first
mack in Australia was with an Australian marine. Tell us the story!
H: Nah, you’ll come to realise that I’m
a pretty straight forward guy.
V: That’s so awkward! Well, let’s just
say I wasn’t the only Ormondian to do
that. Three of us were having a girl’s
night and there were four marines. One
was having trouble with his contact lens
and he couldn’t see. I helped him get it
out.
H: (Excited) Oh, that’d be sick! …As
long as I don’t have to run it?
O: And then you made out with him?
V: (Laughs) No, he was the creepy
fourth wheel! He left because his eye
hurt too much… and then there were
three marines and three girls. How
far are you going to take this story?
Because we definitely did the sprinkler
and the awkward jellyfish on the dfloor as well.
Anna Bainbridge
- ICAC Representative
O: Should the chapel become a sports
bar?
O: Is Turf as much fun now that you
and Anna are dating?
H: Yeah, it’s still just as much fun,..
I mean, I still do all the same things,
just drink, talk, screw around. (Thinks)
Actually, it’s better- I’m guaranteed to
go home with someone every time.
A: He was just like, thank you. No
seriously, thank you Repeat x 5. But the
funny part was when he saw me the
next morning, he clearly didn’t remember and said “oh how was the after
party?” I just said “yeah it was great!
Harry and Liv made out.” I thought he
might punch me.
O: We hear rumours about you and the
entire GC… in one night. Clarify?
A: (Defensive) It wasn’t the whole
GC… it wasn’t even quorum!
16
AskRob
Dear Cool Rob,
I am an attractive, footy playing,
Turf-going male. And I have to
say, I was super distressed at the
recent OGM when I tuned in to the
debate about studies. Not only was
I extremely confused about all of
John Ryan’s points (too busy trolling him on FB) but when I actually tuned in I was like “Wait…
what? There will only be three
studies next year? Oh hell no!” As
someone who’s looking forward to
third year 2012, I will totally be
gunning for a study with one of my
mates. This Learning & Community-thing completely screws with
my plans.
For starters, where am I meant to
hold pre-Turf-pre-drinks (without
having to submit a freaking event
plan)? And Sports Ball will not be
the same without post-seduction
time in an intimate but not-toobedroomy location I’d be all over
this with the Living and Development rep but… bit awkies there.
But seriously. Studies are awesome.
They should not become rare or
extinct creatures, but be allowed instead to flourish and expand in the
heady soil of Main Building. What
can I do to ensure that this worthy
cause does not get swept under the
rug?
Lots of Love,
Srsly Need A Study
Dear attractive, footy playing,
turf-going male,
(insert collective first-year-female
sigh)
Let me unshackle myself from
the slavery and subordination of
my up and coming mid-semester
essay and examinations, accounting for a cumulative total
of 265% of my overall Grade
Point Average to deal with your
significantly more pressing ‘FirstWorld’ problems.
Understanding the social ‘enigma’ that is John Ryan is something that I’ve struggled with for
a significant amount of time; my
more contemplative moments
coming usually in those languorous moments when I wait for
Bridie Walsh to disinfect my skim
vanilla chai latte after poisoning it with Bonsoy. Bridie, this is
the second time you have done
that and I am not exceptionally
pleased. The day I drink Bonsoy
will be the day I also eat what
Alliance should tentatively label
‘Samosa’, wear hemp trousers
and boycott showering.
Consequently, I’ve rationalized
that the most effective way to understand the subtle and nuanced
idiosyncrasies of individuals is
lining them up with their Harry
Potter doppelganger. Get me a
cape on that man and you’ve got
your Professor Quirrell.
But now, to the main issue
you’ve brought up in your letter
to me- namely; your desire to
coerce a somewhat inebriated,
most likely junior, (if you’re lucky)
fellow female collegiate (no
one specifically, because you’ll
largely take what you can get) in
to intimate sexual relations in an
enclosed environment that will
subconsciously seek to continuously overtly and subtly remind
her of her place within the patriarchal hierarchy ingrained within
the very sandstone foundations
of Ormond; whilst contempora-
17
neously instilling the aspirational
tendency to accrue respect from
fellow peers of both genders
through the positive notoriety associated with picking up
someone like you (ouuuuuu, I
wish nothing but the best. Egh.
Oops.) . You’re putting the ‘stud’
back into ‘study’ just like you
put the ‘sensual’ back into ‘nonconsensual’
Hopefully at this point you realize that what you thought was a
Dis-O dollface was really just a
flog from St. Hilda’s.
Surprising to most, but fortunately evident to some, the Ormond
female is somewhat of an intellectual rarity. If you’re interested
in woo-ing the exquisite and
wondrous creatures that are the
female collegiate body of Ormond, perhaps first start with an
attempt to respect both her level
of intellect and inherent diginity
by not initially assuming that the
size of your ‘study’ is going to be
the bankable factor that takes
you from ‘pedo’ to ‘pick up’. So,
out of the generosity of my procrastintory heart, let me enlist a
few more ‘handy hints’ for locating, pursuing and treating an
Ormond Lady for you. Because,
after many weeks of emotional
agony and preparation for this
evening; you are obviously going
to want to be the gentlemen that
I know you are to be and take
her out to a meal at China Style.
1.Chances are, an
Ormond female will
know either French,
German or Italian.
Perhaps it’s time you
did too? Women love
to compete (read:
belittle) regarding
matters that break a
mental sweat.
2.She most likely attends one
class of ‘BodyPump’or ‘Body
Attack’ a week. If you want to
get an more detailed idea of her
physical capabilities or, simply
interested in the real length of
her pins, the windows running
along Tin Alley provide a perfect
vantage point.
(The timetable is inside the
Melbourne University Sports
Centre.)
3.Take an active interest in her
ASOS account. She’ll appreciate
your consideration and critical
approval (note: approval) of her
purchases because she didn’t
spend 4 and a half hours trolling through that website for gud
tyhmz.
4.Ask her about her what she
plans on undertaking after her
first degree. Perhaps what her
career ambitions are. Ideal occupation for future employment.
Refrain from making subsequent
comments regarding kitchen
renovations/ predicted
prices of private school fees/ the
relevancy of Jodi Picoult to informal P&F bookclubs in just over a
decade’s time. Listen.
Nod. Skeptical-turned-approvingbrow-raise.
(Subliminal Message: Dear John
Ryan, could you please clear out
your mail more regularly – (as in
one more than never) from the
‘R’ pidgeon hole. I’m not sure
how many magazines you felt it
appropriate to subscribe to, but
clearly it’s just not enough for
you. I get excited about getting
mail when I see a fresh wad
of envelopes; but alas, it’s just
reams of dead trees dedicated to
you. Bydaway; your Economist,
Times and National Geographic
are all about to expire and have
been I swear to God for the last
six months.)
St
!
l
o
o
ay c
Rob
18
Horoscopes
by Phoenix Stars
(st)Even Amy got
Carter-ed back from Turf
We were Doubt-ful, but by
Scott, he pulled it off!
Be careful Potter fans,
Read-ing between the lines
could trigger a Valentine’s
Day massacre
Perhaps it Wood be wise to
(lor)raine in your PDA...
And share some LoLs with
your bros
Asian cars go easy on the
arms but can be a bit hard
to Park.
Keg anyone see my pillow?
Oh wait, we Jess(t)
You’re such a Darling,
why are you Single(ton)?
Don’t overindulge in red
wine, you might end up in
the Guter(res).
Walk(er)s of shame can
be hard to keep on the
Brown-low in Ho-Wing
Agent 88 was in pursuit,
but 00 escaped in the
Nik of time
Madeline does Too much
math for an Arts student
Steve? Or Stephen(son)?
What’s your Na(o)m(i)
again?
Overheard
“Nice talking to you ladies... I’m going to
my room to play with my balls” -Michael
Stojanovski
“Omg assassins. I am srsly scared. And
srsly slow on my crutches. awks.” -Laura
Berthold
“I just can’t get it up!” -Dani Simkus
“Sustainability is so mainstream now. It’s
like so mainstream, Jono doesn’t even like it
any more.” -Sophie Parr
“I heard a terrible story of a casket that
got stuck in a crematorium and didn’t fully
burn.” -Miranda George
“So it’s like it was toasted?” -Jack Maxwell
Fran Armstrong (wearing a Taco Bill hat)
“I’m gonna wear my hat to Uni every day.
And people will be like ‘Why is your hat so
big?’ And I’ll tell them because it’s full of
secrets.”
“I wouldn’t call it stalking, I would call it...
observing.” -Tom Jellett
“Turf is my spiritual home.” -Stef
McMahon
“People touching me down there just makes
me giggle” -Billy Thomas
“Are there any styles of dancing that are
done naked?” -Richie Homewood
“My motto for this weekend is ‘sacrifice my
body’” -Lauren Gill
“Mine is sacrifice everybody else’s”
-Kali Hamilton
“Where did you get the Ikea Pencils from?”
-Kim Lipszyc
“Ikea.”-Shiraz
“Well I just look at the rise of a champion and I think: that’s me.” -Austin Van
Groningen
“In Australian English, you don’t have the
letter ‘Zee’. So Dan, how do you pronounce
your last name?” -Lauren Gill to Daniel
Zambon
“Do you think seagulls have free will?”
-Will Moisis
“If you feed it rice, it will explode.” -Ivan
Jeftic
“Ohhh does FML mean ‘fuck my life?” I
thought it meant ‘for my luck’?” -Pip Daniel
19
Forest Trivia
One Point:
1. In the children’s game “Forty-Forty,” what does the child say when
he/she has counted to forty?
2. The Kindle is associated with
which brand?
3. Which current movie focuses
on a romance that blossoms on St
Swithin’s day?
4. Name the Indian city formerly
known as Bombay?
5. Paul Ducette, Rob Thomas, and
Brian Yale form the band...?
6. What is the atomic mass of oxygen?
7. Who is Prime Minister of Italy?
8. The Colorado was a ute sold in
Australia under the badge of which
car manufacturer.
9. Is the county of ‘Cumbria’ in England or Scotland?
10. Which AFL team won the 2011
Wooden Spoon?
Two Points:
1. Which 5 ‘teenagers with attitude’
team together to defeat Rita Repulsa in a classic children’s show?
2. What does IBM stand for?
3. Madison is the state capital of
which US state?
4. If two waves of the same frequency have a phase angle of 180
degrees, do the waves constructively or destructively interfere?
5. What are the first names of the
members of the band ABBA?
6. Which magazine likened Australian Politics to a ‘Punch & Judy’
show?
7. Glenn Stewart and Adam Blair
recently brawled on the sidelines of
an NRL game between which two
teams?
8. Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford
appear in which film together?
9. Which hip-hop icon’s ashes
WHO AM I:
6 Points: I was born in Te Awamutu,
New Zealand on 27 May, 1958
5 Points: Whilst at school, I performed
musically at hospitals and prisons.
4 Points: Having finished school, I
formed the band ‘After Hours’, but left
them when my brother asked me to join
his already successful band.
3 Points: That band, Split Enz, broke
up in 1984, and I went on to form another band which was named after the
cramped shared apartment in which we
lived.
2 Points: Crowded House found major
international success, especially with
the album ‘Woodface’, featuring such
classics as “Fall at Your Feet” and
“Weather With You”.
1 Point: One of New Zealand’s greatest
exports, and with a brother named Tim,
I am Neil...?
Garfield WIthout Garfield
were mixed with marijuana and
then smoked by his band after his
death?
10. Is a Ziggurat a) a large Mesopotamian terraced step pyramid, b) a
unit of currency in Israel, c) a light
breeze.
Three Points:
1. Which popular Jelly Bean range
has gourmet flavours such as Sizzling Cinnamon, Chilli Mango and
Buttered Popcorn?
2. Which Spacecraft is the furthest
from the Earth?
3. Naomi and Liev are the first
names of which glamour couple?
4. When was the last time an AFL
team has won the premiership from
outside the top 4?
5. The typhoon ‘Talas’ recently
swept through which country?
One Point 1. Ready or not, here I come 2. Amazon.com 3. One Day 4. Mumbai 5.Matchbox 20 6.Sixteen 7. Silvio Berlusconi 8. Holden 9. England 10. Gold Coast Suns. Two
Points: Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers 2. International Business Machines 3. Wisconsin
4. Destructively 5. Anni-Frid (Freda), Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha 6. The Economist 7. Melbourne Storm and Manly Sea Eagles 8. Cowboys & Aliens 9. Tupac Shakur 10. A) Three
Points: 1. Jelly Belly 2. Voyager One 3. Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber 4. 1998 (Adelaide) 5. Japan WHO AM I? Neil Finn
ANSWERS:
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