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A page from my 1981 journal. I am 13.
When I look back, I always think I’ll dredge
up naïve memories, the kind you think small
children have. But I never come across any
like that.
For instance, when I was 9 years old, I used
to think I was very old and oh so clever, and
oddly enough I still think so today.
It’s really strange.
What kind of a person am I?
Am I even actually a person?
I can never quite reach any kind of conclusion, sometimes I’m melancholic, sometimes
I behave like a total fool, like a nut, and then
suddenly I’m full of energy and threatening
to explode. Just like now. My whole body is
itching, it’s awful.
5
1984 journal.
At some point when I was 14 I became convinced I was
experiencing something, with 15 I felt more experienced
than everyone else, at 16 I actually had experienced
more
than many 40-year-olds, now I’m 17 and I have a tooth
ache. I was supposed to go to the dentist today, and
overslept. So what? I’m an anarchist, today I’m going to
find
myself a throat-nose-and-ears doctor and punch a Flinse
rl
(ring) through my nose. So what? Viva anarchy! I’m
going
to get myself a tattoo — maybe.
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Watching can be
interesting too.
The others probably
think î’m boring ’cause
î don’t talk a lot…
Didn’t you hear me?
î said, How about you
suck me off.
Some things are
too gross even
for me.
Who is there
to talk to?
Tsk… She said no.
OK. just give me a
handjob instead, then.
,
7
the SUMMER
Thanks!
Anyone got
a light?
Hey!
You got a
cigarette
for me?
My older sister, with whom
î shared a small apartment
in Vienna, was spending the
summer with our parents in
the country.
9
Ha ha!
Scored
again!
Cool
trick!
We should give
beer-fishing a shot.
Yeah!
Or try for
some weed.
10
Ulli…
…she says she’s
your Mother.
Keep it
down, OK?
Hi.
Just having
a couple
friends over.
Yes…
no…
Sigh
…no,
not
yet.
Look, we don’t like
your wanting to stay in
Vienna. If you haven’t
found a job in two
weeks, come back home!
You dropped
out of school, so you
might as well live at
home again!
You can apprentice with
Biedermayer in Haugsdorf
as a sales clerk. Frau
Biedermayer is my cousin.
She’ll take you on for sure.
And it involves fashion.
What am î
supposed to do
in the country?
î’ll never find a
job there!
For God’s sake, Ulli!
You’ve got to start
doing something
with your life!
Why don’t you go
back to the college in
Hollabrunn? You’re just
three years away from
your degree, if you take
catch-up Latin over the
Summer…
Oh, Jesus
Christ!
Why does she
have to make such
a big deal about
everything?
Sigh
That’s just
crazy!
11
My grandmothers were capable ladies. One of
them bore thirteen children, and turned down the
Nazi Mother's Cross. The other one raised her firstborn son Franz by herself, until his father returned
from the war.
Franz married a blonde, pale girl from the the
neighboring village. Their three daughters grew
up strong and healthy, thriving within their huge
extended family. Their mother, serving as a member of the Parish Council and the chairwoman of
the Catholic Women's Movement, provided an
example of female leadership.
Our town, 70 kilometers from Vienna, was right
on the western side of the Iron Curtain. Sometimes
we kids would stand at the edge of our father's
wine garden and stick our fingers through the wire
fence, trembling with giddy fear over the possibility
that they'd get shot off from the other side.
At the age of 15, I came to Vienna to study design
and fashion illustration at a technical college.
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Don’t worry,
î’ll look
for a job.
You don’t know
what you’re
talking about!
You’d be better
off learning
something!
t
r
Sno
î do want to learn
something, just not
in a school!
And you know
so much better,
right?!
Of course î do!
We need a
pencil, two
knitting
needles, some
thread and ink.
We’ve got plenty of knitting
supplies, since my sister
was educated as a tailor. We
got the color from the ink
capsules of a fountain pen
that î no longer use.
The thread
absorbs the
ink and
deposits the
color on the
tips of the
needles, point
by point.
13
h!
Ouc
Quit
squirming!
î’m only
piercing the
top layer
of skin.
î’d also like
one above
my breast.
Which
design?
This
one
:
EM
TOT
ON and
ALC Isis the
F
S,
of
er
ty
RU
HO son es ov migh s
i
The is fl his urney m of
r
o
n
i
o
Os ld o nd j ingd
r
K
wo gs, a the
n
i
h
w oug
.
thr Dead
the
Wickerl, can
you do a
skull for me?
î want a giant skull
on my back!
Tattoo
your back?
No, thanks, it’s
covered in pusladen zits. It’d be
a total mess.
Aw,
c’mon!
Ulli, î don’t get
how you can
make out with
Gerry. Doesn’t he
gross you out?
î like
him.
Don’t be
like that,
Wickerl!
Just look at those
wide shoulders, those
upper arms… and î
think his nose ring
is super hot!
True, he
does have a
really sexy
ass.
14
Hey, Günther, quit
staring at my ass!
You’re making me
uncomfortable!
Wow, this is
super easy!
Aw,
relax!
Well? Is she doing a good
job of it? Does the skull
look awesome?
What skull
is he talking
about,
Günther?
Let’s have
a look…
You’ve got
to keep
still!
Cool! She’s doing a
great job! That’s one
bitchin’ refrigerator!
Huh?
What?
A re y o u
n u ts ? ?
He y!
a
Get off
me!
It’s got the
door cracked
open, it’s full
of beer. She’s
tattooing
a perfect
refrigerator
on your back.
15
We would draw attention when we
traveled through the city as a group.
I collected a list of comments from
Viennese bystanders:
Did you get run over by the subway?
Did you get yourself electrocuted?
Did you fall under a lawn mower?
Boy, do you need a haircut!
When was the last time you saw a comb?
You look like Cyndi Lauper.
Are you in a play?
Looks like circus is in town.
Look, I bet they're from Cats.
Halloween is over.
Look: rockers!
Look: punks!
(dubious whisper) I guess that's the fashion now.
You'll never find a husband!
16
the GIRLFRIEND
One night Günther, who would turn the occasional trick, brought a girl home.
18
î was already
asleep.
Man, am
î beat!
So Günther isn’t
gay after all.
Aha.
19
What’s for
breakfast?
Hi! î’m
Edi!
Good
morning.
î can offer
you a toke
off my last
cigarette.
My folks’re
nuts…
Mmhh.
20
Or would
you care for
some stale
pizza crust
from last
night?
The first time î ran
away was last January.
î wanted to travel to
Italy with a friend…
Come
with
me, î’m
buying.
We hitchhiked our way up
to the border. Then we
cut through the forest…
We could try
it together
sometime.
But î don’t have money,
and my passport is
somewhere in my parents’
bedroom…
In the middle of
the night the border
patrol nabbed us. They
had dogs, î was too
freaked out to make
a run for it…
Italy?
î’ve never
been to
Italy.
The odds are better
in the summer.
That’d
be
great!
We don’t need
passports!
î’m telling you:
Use the green
border!
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Besides…
…Interpol is
looking for me.
We could use a little
drinking money too.
Wow!
î wouldn’t do this by
myself, but î bet it’s a
riot if there’s two of us!
And î know just how
we can get some.
’Scuse me, is this
newspaper free?
Thanks!
Check!
Here…. this
sounds good.
22
Guaranteed nightly
wages, 500 shillings.
Sweet!
What if someone
wants us to do
something?
Eh, today’s
Monday,
everything’s
probably
dead!
We hang around
decoratively at the bar…
Collect the
money for
doing nothing…
Then we let the other sluts
step up. After all, they want to
earn some cash too, right?
But what if someone
asks us to do
something?
…and
move
on.
BAH
Are you
even
over 18?
You can’t
work here,
looking like
that.
All right,
you can start
at nine.
Sure we
are!
(Fake student ID)
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And put on
something
sexier.
Not doing it
for me.
But my legs
are so fat!
Too
long!
Like
this?
Hmmm…
Too
baggy.
Awesome!
The neckline could
be lower…
How do î
look?
Your
boob’s
hanging
out.
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Hand
me the
scissors!
That oughta
be perfect for
the cathouse.
You can wear
anything. With
your figure,
everything
looks great.
î’m not
sure…
We knew escorts in
nightclubs from the
movies. They had to
act worldly, sit on tall
barstools, and look
disreputable.
Paint your lips
red. Black isn’t in
fashion.
If î gotta.
Are those really your
only shoes?
The only
cool ones.
25
This is the private
booth. There’s
always a bottle of
champagne on the
cabinet, and tissues…
condoms… there’s the
shower. He’s always
gotta shower, before
and after.
He’s got exactly 15 minutes,
and you mustn’t ever kiss him,
remember that!
On weekends î
work in a brothel in
Burgenland.
The guys there
like me.
26
So why’re you
still here?
The money’s
better there.
’Cause î’m
an idiot.
A quarter of an hour costs
1,500 shillings, of which
500 go to the bar…
…and 1,000
go to you!
Add on your
commission
on the champagne.
There’s always a bottle
of champagne standing
next to the bed. He has
to pay extra for that.
You’ve got
time to drink
champagne?
Sure!
Always
stir up
the champagne!
The commissions are
an important part of
it… if you manage
to draw it out in the
private booth and he
buys you a couple
bottles of champagne.
It’s better for
your stomach,
and you don’t
get drunk as
fast.
Otherwise
you won’t
last long.
î’ve been doing this
for thirty years and
î’ve still got the
same clients. It’s
just that more of
them don’t want to
screw.
1,500 shillings
to rest on your
breasts?!
Not a bad
deal.
They just lie
across my breasts
and cuddle, happy
as can be. Ha ha!
Do they have to
shower before and
after anyway?
And that’s
fine by me!
Of course!
î don’t want
to get dirty!
27
Pssst!
There’s
one!
C’mon!
Great!
Go for it!
Here’s your
chance!
Ugh!
Can’t you
do it?
î don’t
have to…
What do
î say to
him?
Anything! Try
“Hello there,
young man!”
These whores had hearts of gold.
28
Hello
there,
young
man.
Look, î
just wanna
drink my
beer.
You’ll get the
hang of it.
No dice. He wasn’t
interested at all.
Next time,
you’ll see.
29
Oh, î took my
shot, it’s your
turn now.
No, no, today’s
your day.
30
She’s a natural.
î bet she kisses
him. The new
ones always kiss
them.
That was
quick.
TA-
DAH!
gne
Champa
one!
fo r e v e ry
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That’s a
tradition, when
a girl has her
first time in
the private
room…
…everyone
gets
champagne.
CHEERS
CHEERS
CHE ERS
CHEERS
Here’s your
earnings.
32
Th er e’s
on ly 50 0
he re !?
We earned
2,000!
What, you think the
champagne is free?
Wanna use the
money to get
something to eat?
We need
it now!
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