Mega-mergers net consumer bliss

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Mega-mergers net consumer bliss
,
et's say God is no longer God, but is value and consumer sernow the Chairman of the Universe." vice. Prices are dropWho" wants
Everything falls into the great free mar- ping.
ket system. Those politicians who want less antitrust enforcement
when" such monstrous
government get what they want and more.
Remove the government completely. The takeovers and mergers
United States of America is now the United net us cheaper cars,
States, Inc. No more church and state. Every faster tennis shoes and
state becomes a corporation, i.e., Minnesota,
easy electronic banking
right in our own homes?
Inc., Idaho, Inc., etc. Same for every church.
What's wrong with
Even religious aggregates become corporate
entities, like Christianity, Inc., or the Hindu partnership? Antitrust
Corporation.
•
legislation is a result of
The University is now a privateenterprise,
government
interferand if Gov.-elect Jesse Ventura has his way, no ence, and Ventura and
more state funds. If you're smart enough to go" the Republicans don't want that, so God, as
to college, you're smart enough to run a busi- Chairman of the Universe, is giving it to them.
ness.
Man, the anti-goverr ment people must be
The vice president of Universe, Inc., is Bill really happy in this new world order. There are
Gates ... of course. Bin believes "big is good." a few drawbacks, however.
God's board of directors no longer includes all
The little church on the comer doesn't have"
the saints, but instead all the CEO's of all the enough money to fix the roof and add more
pews. Well, an offer to
mega-major conglomerbe a part of the biggest
ates.
Along
with
Microsoft, these megachurch chain in "the
" Everyone's in on the
companies just keep getworld ought to take care
ting bigger. Mom and Pop ''get big" bandwagon, but of those problems really
quickly. And a side deal
stores still exist, but shud. with the Microsoft
der under the rushing tidal the telecommunications,
monopoly will put a
wave of merger mania.
banking and securities
couple dozen comIn this perfectly free
puters
in
the
enterprise system, I won- industries are leading the
church's back
der how things will get
done without a govern- way in giantness. "
rooms
with
ment. If police protection
very little
added cost.
is now a business, this
Public education financing is
means we have to pay directly for the service.
Since it's free market, anyone can own or start no longer mandated, so the lita police service: most likely subsidiaries of tle schoolhouse across the
major corporations, like the Microsoft Police street from the little church is,
now offering 12-course bufCompany, or the Coca-Cola Police Service.
Without government regulation or deregu- " fets as part of its lunch prolation, highway construction. health care, the gram ~nd as an !~c~ntive to
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minority. Take a look pay the rent ... well, what would you do? If I
at ticket sales' for were a recording artist running a small label
out of my basement, and Sony offers me a dis"Titanic." Not really
big, big names, but the tribution deal that will make me a world star,
"movie made up for it would I say, "No, I'd rather play in dives and
with a big, big picture. try to make my living selling CD one-offs?" If
Not once did I ever I were a Carlson School of Management grad-,
hear anyone say, "This " uate, guess where I'd look for work?
If free market solutions, corporate megamovie is too big."
So I'm pro-free" mergers and big business in general are so
bad, as many critics feel, then why do we conenterprise and I'm
tinue to move in such a direction? I don't see
pro-big business. I'm
the thousands of visitors to the megamall
going to the University
of Minnesota,
not standing outside Macy's carrying signs that
some cheap little com- say, "This place is too big." I don't see blockmunity college. And I'd like to see the buster movie budgets getting smaller. And I
University earn its money without going to the like being able to withdraw cash from an ATM
with my digi-card while I'm on vacation in the
state for handouts. Underneath it all, I'm
greedy. Remember Michael Douglas in "Wall hills of Argentina, soaking up the paid-for
street?" "Greed is good." I wouldn't mind sunshine I got after selling millions of my
having a few friends on Wall Street.
CDs worldwide.
If I had a little electronics firm kitty-comer
the . Daily's
Jerry
Flattum
is
from the little church and school, and the big
to
editor.
Send comments
guys came along and offered me a couple mil- opinions
lion
while
I flattum@daily.umn.edu
currently
can't
ultimate benefitfrom alIthi~
no more taxes. d~nts who prefer such ser~
And don't worry about that patent sujt Apple vice,
. 'filed against Microsoft ... they'lI work it out
From media conglomer- to consumer benefit.
ates to fast food chains,
Many people believe it's not the governAmerica's current standard
ment that controls things, anyway. It's big of living would .be much
business that gets things done, along with the lo.wer without
merger
help of a few, struggling, smalIer competitors.
mania.
We
have
a
Big mergers are the wave of the new millenni- 'McDonald's on every corum, something that's been gaining steam
ner and hundreds of cable
probably since the Reagan era. It starts with channels to choose from
banks. NationsBank joins BankAmerica.
for our dining and listening
Citicorp links with Travelers. First Chicago pleasure.· Vast distribution
NBD Corp. shakes hands with Bane One networks are the reason
Corp. Big is good.
why South Dakotans have
According
to Richard Peterson of ~just as easy access to the
Securities Data Corp., in 1997, there were an latest CDs and videos as'
estimated 10,700 merger and acquiM1ion those in major urban centransactions in the United States, with an esti- ters. It's big business that·
mated value of around $919 billion. The. will put an airline outlet in
Citicorp/Travelers deal is valued at more than nearly every small town.
It's big business that allows
$70 bilIion, the biggest in American history.
us to import our bananas
The thrust behind such behemoth mergers
is giving consumers what they want. This from Nicaragua.
And big stars? We sure
requires global expansion - it comes with the
territory of providing the best product or ser- like our megastars as well.
vice for the best dollar. Everyone's in: on the I'll choose a Meryl Streep or
"get big" bandwagon, but the telecommunica-: an AI Pacino movie over a
tions, banking and securities industries are cast of unknowns any day.
leading the way in giantness. DEC and Why? Because I know the
Compaq, MCI and WorldCom, Coopers and movie company that pro-Lybrand with Price-Waterhouse are three such duced such films is going to
. earthquakes benefiting the new economy.
give me quality entertainment
Remember, big is not bad; big is good. for less money. Maybe you
disagree, but you're in -the
Mergers have a positive effect on shareholder
Kat "the babe" runs with Jesse "the body"
'mproud to be a Minnesotan; damn proud, '
By contrast, here deep behind the "cactus
even though I now live in Arizona. Once curtain" Arizonans elected an incumbent
.
again the 'sota-land has splashed new color Republican, Jane "the old biddy" Hull, over
on the nation's political canvas. The people her Democratic challenger, Paul "the wimp"
have spoken and in doing so they've handed , Johnson. You might have heard Jane Hull until
the country a stunning revelation that the high- a. year and a half ago was the Secretary of
est political denominator needn't be (probably
State and a dam good one; too. She was thrust
shouldn't be) a political party. Instead, they into the governorship when Fife "the crook"
had the courage to elect a' person,. Jesse "the Symington was indicted on embezzlement
Body-turned-Mind" Ventura. The guy who charges stemming from his unsuccessful
reflects the unique mix of social activism and career as a land developer. Arizonans KNEW
fiscal conservatism that is the comfortable
he was going to be indicted BEFORE he was
middle between the two political extremes.
elected the first time. But his chalIenger was
Lead on, 'seta-land.
.
(yup, you guessed it) "the wimp." Even then,
I
,
,,,
he couldn't mount enough of a campaign 'to
win the sure bet. Such is the politically desolate landscape here in Arizona.
Me? Well, this time, given the choices, I
voted for Independent candidate Kat "the
babe" Gallant, a good looker with .very long
blonde hair. She made herself newsworthy a
few years back by establishing a men's hair
salon (in the 'mostly Mormon townof Mesa,
Ariz.), that featured female stylists dressed in
lingerie. It was a huge success and then of
course promptly zoned out of existence. More
recently; Gallant made news by riding her
horse all the way from Arizona to Washington,
D.C. where she paraded in front of the nation's
capital like Lady Godiva in support of animal
rights.
Unfortunately the animal rights lobby'
learned she had nearly killed her horse on the
trek to Washington so she found no friends
there. Oops.
At 'any rate, I am gratified that there are
24,738 fellow Arizona citizens who felt like I,
that given the choices, Kat was our woman.
James T. Armstrong is a transplanted
Minnesotan and former University student.
Send comments to f1attum@daily.umn.edu