Tracey e-mails - JonBenet Ramsey Case Encyclopedia

Transcription

MICHAEL TRACEY
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
E-Mail Correspondence
0 625
Bennett, Tom
From:
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
lent:
to:
Sunday, April 30, 2006 9:51 AM
Andrew Smit
So, is this the confession? BTW, every so often I like to throw in a
little bit of personal information or get a little maudlin. He seems to
like that. Hence the reference to drinking. It makes him think he knows me
and that i like him. I think I was a con artist in a previous life. m
Dear Michael,
After all the frustration and upset I felt with you last week, your last
mails are exactly how I wish you would respond to me always. First of
all, don't write to me when you are drinking. I know all about drinking
and how it changes you. I drink too. Just please promise me that you will
always write as you have in these last three reponses. I need you,
Michael. If I cannot have you as a confident, I must find someone who can
be a confident. I cannot bear keeping this inside any longer.
I am in the process of responding to two other mails. I wanted to respond
to your idea of presentation of me to the Ramseys. I accept that your
suggestions as you have written them are excellent suggestions, if you
talk to them directly. None of this relaying through friends of the
Ramseys. Yes, I would like for you to tell them that a person you feel
strongly to be JonBenet's killer (I hate that term) "WISHES TO SPEAK TO
THEM, TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT AND TO EXPLAIN ALSO THAT THERE
WAS NEVER ANY INTENTION rO KILL HER." And yes, "ASKING FOR NOT JUST
UNDERSTANDING BUT FORGIVENESS" is important though I do not expect that.
This is mostly for them. It is my deep desire to make an ongoing
connection with JonBenet's mother. I wish her no harm. Concerning their
fear that this might be a hoax, I would appreciate if you state "IT IS MY
STRONG JUDGMENT - CORRECTION, THAT I KNOW - THAT THIS IS NOT A HOAX, THAT
THE COMMUNICATION SHOULD BE TAKEN VERY SERIOUSLY." Please add to this
that we have talked for four years and that I was in no hurry to tell you
anything that would lead you to believe I was a killer which proves I was
not seeking overnight notariety. I only revealed corroborating evidence
to prove that I was present on the night of her death in the last several
weeks. Tell them I respect them. I wish them no harm. I wish myself no
harm as well. I ask for their promise to not contact law enoforcement or
any outside sources to monitor our correspondence. Although I want
telephone contacts, I will only respond instantly to an e-mail address
belonging to Patsy Ramsey though John can also read and respond. Tell
them I loved JonBenet so much. I love her still. I am so sorry for her
death. It is my wish to give them a sense of closure - to let them know
how JonBenet died and that it was not as they think. I love her so much.
I need to be with her mother.
That is it. I will respond to the other mails and hope the Ramseys will
respond. No harm or disrespect is ever intended. If you wish to read my
above message to them, please feel free. Thank you, Michael, for your
help in this matter and for your thoughtful response today.
1
0626
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Subject:
Andrew Smit [discoverer@adelphia.net]
Monday, May 01, 2006 12:20 AM
Bennett, Tom
[Fwd: ]
J
Untitled Attachment Tom
I think we should take this one seriously.... if we could just get a fix on
his e-mail we may be able to ID him and maybe get DNA.
Will be in touch this week. I may be able to come up on Wednesday. Hang
in there....
Lou
1
0627
Bennett, Tom
From:
'ent:
d'o:
Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey a@colorado.edu]
Monday, May 01, 2006 2:33 PM
Andrew Smit
53909865_2e5c46c114670075_4f0a67 ATT8831593.bd
4ba.jpg
c735.jpg
Lou, if
you go this site,
http://www.flickr.com/photos/daxis/ you
will see a collection of photos of someone called Daxis. A
quick glance - there are a lot - shows that whoever he is
he travels. Also there are skiing photos. D says he travels
a lot and he loves skiing. Attached are a couple of
samples. Should I send them to John as well?
jc,
7
e'-7
P/97Iffj
1
'YL
'0"
1
,77Q',1/17
0628
Bennett, Tom
From:
sent:
Wednesday, May 03, 2006 6:41 AM
Bennett, Tom
[Fwd: ]
ro:
Subject:
Untitled Attachment
Good Morning Tom
Looks like I won't be able to get to Boulder this week.
today. It is a bear getting old.
Am forwarding the latest info re: December man. Hope
everything is going well as you get resettled. Lou
Another funeral
1
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Bennett, Tom
From:
lent:
Thursday, May 04, 2006 2:18 PM
Bennett, Tom
[Fwd: ]
o:
Subject:
L1
Untitled Attachment
Tom
Will keep sending them.... Tracey told me that the
server for the e-mail of December man is located in
Canada.
He said that he
thinks that contact with law enforcement from the United
States with the server people would probably get us this
guys name. He could be a good suspect Tom and we should
do as much as we can.
I have two other e-mails to
forward to you also. Thanks much
Lou
0630
1
Bennett, Tom
From:
lent:
3:
Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu]
Thursday, May 04, 2006 10:48 AM
Andrew Smit
Thank you for your mail, my sweet friend
What would I do without my
friend Michael, who listens to me talk of my little lover, JonBenet. I
would love it if you would write back to me tomorrow. I will send several
mails to you now. You have once more inspired me. I was just so upset with
John Ramsey. I knew he would do this. We must find a way to reach Patsy
directly. I am telling you, she is the key. She will talk to me. I have
never had good luck with dads....
"Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa."
And what are you culpable of? Have you had a sexual encounter with a
little girl? Thank you so much for sharing...
"YOU CAN BE THE BOOK, AND NO IT'S NOT FALLING APPART. IT'S THE BEGINNING
. IT'S YOUR BEGINNING, NOT THE END."
Thank you, Michael. I needed to hear that. I hope you are not different
about this tomorrow. I know you might be drinking now. I would love to
"be" the book. Don't be afraid to share me with the world. The hate will
be enormous but the effect will be unreal.
"JONBENET CARES"
Deep sigh
Oh God, Michael... This is incredible. She does ive.
And do you feel she still cares about me?
"POUR OUT, AND YOU KNOW THAT I CARE."
Oh thank you, Michael. Again, I needed to hear that. I will
continue to pour out.
"AND LET ME BE HONEST, I WISH I DIDN'T BECAUSE THEN I COULD GO BACK TO
BEING WHO I WAS. BUT YOU WILL NOT ALLOW THAT, AND THAT'S FINE.
I'm sorry. But it was meant to be that we would be brought together. You
are my liason. You are my counselor. You are my connection to my past. You
left a message to JonBenet from me at her house in Boulder. You are so
important to me. I am glad you cannot go back to being yourself. You are
correct, I will not allow it.
I had a really day until my pretty little 22 year old maid said to me today
in broken English, "You are man handsome. Your face is baby." I told her
she was pretty too and she is. A few weeks ago, a lovely young 20 year old
girl said, "Your eyes are blue. They are beautiful." God, I need to hear
things like that. it reminds much of all the wonderful compliments I have
received over the years from little girls. I am not bragging. I just want
you to know what I look like.
I am off to organize letters I have already written to you. Daxis is my
first name; hence, I wrote "JonBenet loves Daxis".
0631
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From:
lent:
o:
Bennett, Tom
Thursday, May 04, 2006 10:54 AM
Andrew Smit
Michael,
The following is the remainder of responses I have not sent and new
additions. Please read the first paragraph very carefully
especially though all the mail is important.
I want to address the issue of this flashlight you told me about that was
publicized in the press. That was NOT my flashlight, nor did it belong to a
girl, nor did it have anything to do with me or the blow to JonBenet's
head. As matter of fact, I would like to remove the girl from the equation
altogether. I know you will think
I am protecting someone but so be it. You might also think the girl
is my alter ego. So be it. All that is important to me is that the girl is
taken out of the equation. Hence, there were NOT two flashlights. There
was ONE flashlight. I do not know where that flashlight you speak of came
from nor do I care. Law enforcement uses those type of torches. Maybe it
was left by one of them. While
we are at it, we might as well put this taiser gun issue to rest as
well. I don't know what happened at the crime scene after in the
following days; however, I think there was foulplay as I hear the
(formation that rolls from you from press accounts. It is psetting
to me, to say the least. Please do not allow it to discredit my
intimate accounts of that night.
"As a prolific child killer once said to me, "Do what you want. It's
up to you."
• Now this comment is elliptical, what does it mean and who was he?
I mentioned him in a mail several weeks ago. He was a condemned child
killer in the U.S. I tried to talk to him but he would not respond with
anything but stupidity. He is an idiot if he is still alive.
• I HAVE TOLD YOU I'D BE VERY INTERESTED IN COLLABORATION. WHY WOULD
• THE ISSUE OF IDENTITY BE A PROBLEM.
I have told you that I am a fugitive from America. Why would it NOT be a
problem? Also, if it is ever revealed that JonBenet died by my
ind, I would be one of the most wanted killers in U.S. history.
• BTW, I SAW SANDRCOK THE OTHER DAY
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From:
Sent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.eduj
Monday, July 03, 2006 9:02 PM
Bennett, Tom; Andrew Smit
Michael,
Please continue to respond to my mails. Though I appreciate, so much, your
calls, I still would like responses to these mails. After all, I monopolize
the phone conversations. So I still need to hear from you. It's like saying
all these things and not knowing what you think...
I regret that I spent our precious phone time talking about Lin Wood and
more about me getting caught by law enforcement. It is a very real thing
to me in light of the horror I went through. You are talking to a man who
had to leave his own country to get away from law enforcement. I am
wandering aimlessly around the world, lost and afraid. You have to
understand what that does to a person especially after all these years. To
do what I am doing now, the book, is an unreal thing to do in light of all
the hiding I have done for years.
I regret that I blurted out to you in 10 seconds, the room JonBenet and I
were in. I shouldn't have done that. If you call on Tuesday, I'm going to
be nervous talking about her. I'll do my best.
My mail "The Writing" was one of my most important mails in that it set out
a lot of what I desire. Please read it. Please respond to it.
Daxis
1
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massage in that area. She would leave for the bathroom every 5 minutes..
The massage turned into me passionately kissing her from her neck down her
back and over her tight ass. This went on for awhile. That first time was
never my idea. I had not planned at all
3 be sexual with her. We eventually became very sexual. She was 8
.nd the girl I told you about in Europe. She was running the show, not
me. I certainly felt seduced and I gave in to that seduction yet I also
thought it was very adorable for a girl of 8 to act that
way with me. She was demanding. Though I was also interested in romance,
she would cut to the chase straight to sexual acitivity. She was the
little girl who liked to be tied at the wrists. Again, that was her
idea.
•
•
•
•
I UNDERSTAND , BUT WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU RISK BEING ARRESTED BY
RETURNING HER TO HER PARENTS? HAD SHE BEEN REPORTED MISSING? YOU
CERTAINLY SEEM TO HAVE NERVES OF STEEL, DESPITE YOUR COMMENTS THAT
YOU ARE AN EMOTIONAL PERSON. I GUESS THEY ARE NOT INCOMPATIBLE.
I was younger then and not as cautious. Yes, she was reported missing. As
a matter of fact, when I left to take her back home, the S.W.A.T. team
arrived at the house I was just at. I missed them
by minutes. in the other state, luckily, the police did not involve
themselves.
"YOU HAVE TOLD ME AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT ABOUT THAT NIGHT, SO IF YOU HAVE
BLOCKED STUFF OUT IT DOES RAISE THE QUESTION OF WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO
TOLD ABOUT THE EVENTS."
I think you have read most of it in the fucking news. The whole
matter insults me. Yes, there are events I have not revealed.
"IS THAT IS WASN'T MEANT TO BE, SHE WAS NEVER MANT TO DIE, IT WAS ALL
ABOUT HER PLEASURE - A PLEASURE THAT MOST PEOPLE COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND
A 6 YEAR OLD EXPERIENCING. THERE WAS NO PREMEDITATION.
YHE PROBLEM WOULD BE HOW ON EARTH TO EXPLAIN THAT TO PEOPLE WHO CANNOT
BEGIN TO COME CLOSE TO UNDERSTANDING THE MIND OF THE PERSON
WHO TOOK JONBENET. I AM I THIN MOST PEOPLE WOULD AGREE SERIOUSLY SMART,
BUT IT HAS TAKEN ME, WHAT IS IT, FOUR YEARS OF OUR CORRESPONDENCE TO
REALLY SEE I TO BEGIN TO GET A GLIMMER OF UNDERSTANDING. AMAZING"
It is not important that ANYONE understands. It is only important that
it is revealed. I will be hated and chased to the ends of the earth. I
will have no concern whether anyone understands or not.
•
I KNOW. HOW WERE YOU HURT (by adults)?
'adults, most of them, do not understand me. If I was on a good Isis
with adults, I wouldn't be here, hiding. It would take a .iundred
letters to describe it.
3
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> COULD YOU HAVE STOPPED HER DYING? I THINK NOT, BUT THEN WHAT DO I KNOW
COMPARED TO YOU?
I am glad that you think not though it does not relieve my guilt. I
could have NOT gone to her house that night - that would have stopped
her dying. But I did and a horrible and accidental event occured. So
much in control yet so helpless.
Daxis
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0636
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
to:
Michael Tracey [Michael.TraceyQcolorado.eduJ
Friday, May 05, 2006 11:24 AM
Andrew Smit
Michael,
This is my forth letter to you in case you are keeping count. Yes, I plan
to respond to one other letter that includes my response to an excerpt
from your future book. But my upsetness allows me only to respond with
this letter for now. There are some things I need to get off my chest
about John Ramsey and you. I will say again that I appreciate that you put
your reputation on the line and called John Ramsey and actually told him
about me. Thank you. But I am very upset.
•
I have a feeling that they WILL talk.
I don't understand this at all. I am the one taking the risk here. Any
parent who has looked for the answers to their child's death for years
would sacrifice any regard for their own reputation to talk to the killer
of that child. Do you not see the irony here? I am coming to them telling
them I killed their daughter and THEY need their lawyers? What about me?
This is a surprising reaction. I know how much you love them and
sympathize with them but this is going too far.
What am I going to do with say, their correspondences with me
with their words? I can't show it to anyone without incriminating myself.
Who can I tell? "Oh yeah, I have some letters here sent to me by the
Ramseys when we were talking about me killing their daughter." Total
madness.
"But they are hurting and frankly they are scared, not of you but of
life, of people.
Again, if they wanted closure bad enough, if they wanted to clear their
names once and for all, they would face Hell to do it.
• A couple of times during our conversation John's voice broke with
tears.
What was he crying about? I can see you are not going to divulge a single
word which, after all I have shared, I think is a little punitive on my
part. Did he cry at something you told him about me in regards to his
daughter? Or was it about his plight now and his wife's health? Did you
tell John Ramsey my name? Did he say my name: Daxis? Did he?
"Who has confronted them in the last 9 years saying they are the
killer
of JonBenet?"
•
No one, and they know the significance of this
But they don't think it is significant enough to make a connection with
me....
1
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"they don't give a damn about me or what I have to say."
> I will convince them, indeed have basically done so, that they
should communicate with you.
You have never told me a single word that they said. I don't know if it
was a blank no, that the crying John did was about me: nothing. I am at
the same place I was weeks ago before you phoned them. Why must they be
convinced? This is totally ironic. I am the one who should have to be
pleaded with to confess things to the Ramseys. Can you not see the
madness in all this?? They seek legal protection while I am the most
vulnerable of the two parties?? I stand to lose everything. What do they
stand to lose? A few minutes of their time, God forbid a few hours?? They
might have to read something I have written?
•
•
If and when you do I sincerely hope that you will tell them
everything except the particular details of her death.
Strange that you are telling
at least I can be so dumb as
/ teacher conferences should
parents. What is it you want
confused.
•
me how to conduct myself around them. Maybe
to tell you that my experience with parent
give me some semblence of how to act around
me to tell them? I am getting more and more
I don't think they could deal with that.
!They will find out eventually if you indeed plan to write about me....
Of course, I would not tell them details but what is it that would be left
to tell them? I do not seek their forgiveness. I cannot meet them in
person. I do not wish to give myself up to law enforcement and be tortured
or killed at their hands. What is left? What is this about? I actually
know full well what this is about but their reaction has turned everything
inside out for me. How could they NOT want to make contact with their
daughter's killer after almost 10 years?? It doesn't anger me - it
confuses me. I know all about what you are going to say in response to all
this they have been through a lot. But what the Hell about me?? And I am
here willing to put my life on the line just to talk them and they are the
ones having to be pleaded to talk
> No. re-read the mail. i said that if necessary I would re-write
•
the mails, or you could write a condensed version of what you have
•
told me. There would be no point in suggesting just a paragraph. You
•
know that and I thin the comment yo make is a function of the fact
that you are feeling down. >
•
Don't blame my responses on my depression. I make valid points in all
that I say and it is not dictated by my emotions, it is dictated by
your responses. No, reread YOUR mail from a day prior to this when you
said, "YOU CAN BE THE BOOK, AND NO IT'S NOT FALLING APPART. IT'S THE
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BEGINNING . IT'S YOUR BEGINNING, NOT THE END." The entire tone of this
letter today is totally different.
•
I will reiterate what i said at he beginning if I didn't care why
•
would I even bother responding once, let alone so many times over
•
four years.
Again, please don't say things like this to me. It is like a husband in
a 10 year horrid marriage saying, "If I didn't care about you, I
wouldn't have stayed with you 10 years and done all these things." It is
a cold response and just worsens the situation. Instead, you could
respond as you did yesterday with comments like, "JONBENET CARES" and
"POUR OUT, AND YOU KNOW THAT I CARE." Don't be all business and British
with me. It will drive us apart. I promise you that.
•
It's becoming psychologically damaging. don't know if that ma•
tters to you, but I just wanted to let you know.
Yes, it matters to me. You matter to me but every time we start to get
close, you come back with your British tone and put me in my American
place. Stop it. It is counterproductive and it is killing me. As a matter
of fact, I was working on a response to your writings in another letter
that would have been much better than
,his letter but I wanted to respond to this last letter of yours and to
the attitude of the Ramseys which is negative to me. I don't dislike the
Ramseys. I have taken their part on many occasions when I was in the U.S.
I have loved JonBenet's mother. But I do not understand this reaction. I
do not think they understand how sensitive I am and how close I am coming
to become silent forever. If I loved myself, I would never consider
placing myself in such a dangerous position. Michael, I am not going to be
willing to take this chance on and on. Do you understand that? I think it
is time that someone pleads with me to talk. But you know what, I know
that will never happen.
Daxis
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3
0639
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Saturday, May 06, 2006 11:54 AM
Andrew Smit
Michael,
The following letter is not meant to be negative but I suppose it is. You
must know that you have been a wonderful friend to me. I love you for
that. I just want you to understand everything I say with perfect
clarity. But we do not live in a perfect world so you misunderstand
things I say.
I was pleased to get your responses but disappointed that you
misunderstood so much that I said. The ransom note started with, and I
suppose you recall, "Listen Carefully!" Not "Read Carefully" but "Listen
Carefully!" with and exclamation point. It was horrible and I regret that
it was aimed solely at Mr. Ramsey. However, it underscored my feelings
that no one ever seems to listen to me. It was a pointless beginning but
it might say a lot about me. Most of my life, I have been misunderstood
and abused outright. My desire to be heard and understood is sometimes
evident. In much of your responses here, it seems we are taking two steps
back. Why?? Let me clarify and please just read carefully, no disrespect
intended..
•
•
•
•
•
We must find a way to reach Patsy directly. I am telling
you, she is the key. She will talk to me. I have never had good
luck with dads....
Do you mean that you are upset with him because he wont
immediately respond.
On that first desription of your call to him, you told me little to
nothing of his response. As far as I know, he said a blank no. Listen
Michael, I have waited to talk to these parents for almost 10 years. Why
would you make me out to be impatient? I have a right to want to talk to
him and his wife. And we have discussed the method of communication but
you have obviously forgotten. Again, I want their home contact number that
I will place in safe keeping. I want e-mail contacts that I will respond
to immediately. Now you seem to be giving me the "phone call" ultimatum.
You know calls can be traced and will give up my location. You know
that... This has to also be on my terms. I know the Ramseys want to be in
control but that has to be shared. I am ALSO involved.
"Light was very rare in that basement but I caught a shimmering slight
stream coming from her lovely nose as I sat with her in my lap. It sent
shivers all through me."
•
•
it is interesting that she was siting in your lap without waking
up. That's not an easy thing to achieve, but you did say that she
was >a very heavy sleeper.
o Lord Michael
Read my messages carefully, PLEASE. That was _such an
intimate sharing. I specifically said "as I sat with her in my lap." I
NEVER said she sat in my lap. I held her as a person holds a baby. She was
in a reclining position on my lap. Remember
1
0640
when you held your sleeping children in your lap as the slept? These
are the things that make me think that when you receive my mails, you
hit the respond button, give them a quick scan and respond just below
them. Is not worth reading carefully? I am sharing my most intimate
moments with my most special little princess.
"we might as well put this taiser gun issue to rest as well."
I guess this might have been confusing. I fired off about this in the
middle of a request to remove the girl from the equation. Since you
contend with forensic evidence that a taiser gun was used, how can I
refute it? What can I say? I wanted to discuss it with you but it seems
"the world" has already made up their minds. This is what irritates me
about this case and the media attention and even forensic and police work
that supercedes all else.
As for more misconceptions, I will reserve the ones about the female
involvement in another mail to you. I just want to remove her from the
equation. This is taking us two steps back... That is unfortunate.
"I mentioned him in a mail several weeks ago. He was a condemned child
killer in the U.S. I tried to talk to him but he would not respond with
anything but stupidity. He is an idiot if he is still alive."
•
But I thought you said he didn't say " damned thing."
He didn't Michael
He wrote little notes to me from prison asking me
to send him money for smokes. I had asked him about his case though he
asked me why should he talk to me about something like that.
•
But I thought you were interested in cooperating on a book.
I don't know where this came from. You know I want this. Now that you
brought it up, I think you should write a book about me. I think you should
title it "Daxis" with a small subtitle beneath referencing JonBenet. I
think you should insert your commentary and interject the writings you have
already done that revolve around the case. It would be the true cowriting
experience. So there, I said it. It is what should be done. It was fate
that we met. It was in the cards. It is up to you, as the prolific killer
said to me.
"What am I going to do with say, their correspondences with me with
their words?"
•
DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE ALREADY BEEN IN CORRESPONDENCE WITH THEM. >
No, I have not. It was a question of what would I do with their words
in the future after we talk.
That is enough of that. You are a best friend to me, Michael. I am not
being critical of you or of your perception of me. I am only clearing up
some confusion. Now I will respond to the rest of your .mails to me. I
wanted to get this negativity out of the way.
Daxis
2
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0642
From:
Sent:
to:
Subject:
Saturday, May 06, 2006 4:09 PM
Bennett, Tom
[Fwd: ]
Bennett, Tom
Ld
Untitled Attachment
5/6/06 #2
1
0643
From:
Sent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Andrew Smit
Michael,
I decided to log back on for a little more response time with you.
•
He was quite emotional.
But I did not know what he was emotional about and still really don't.
•
•
•
That the truth of that night was not as t appeared. He dd
not say very much, asked me if I was really sure in my own
conclusion. I said, and i quote, "John, I know."
I really appreciate that, Michael. You put your reputation on the line
for me. Thank you for calling him though I think it was just for you. It
will never be that we shall connect.
• When I raised the question of Patsy he became a little defensive, or >
cautious is perhaps a better word.
I want to say that I will only communicate with her. I want to say it but I
am trying to refrain. I am not going to hurt her.
• He asked for some time to think it through.
Months, years, it will not happen.
• He knows that this may be the best chance for closure He is an
• extremely intelligent man, protective of Patsy as are many other
• • people around them. We shall see.
How it hiding me from Patsy and having her live this lie going to help
her? No closure for her is not protecting her.
• You are correct, you will not be popular, but you will be global.
• Does the idea of hate bother you? I've had the impression that it
• • probably doesn't, but may be wrong, that deep down you do care.
Absolutely not. I am already hated and have been basically banished from my
own country. The world will despise me, Daxis, and that is fine with me.
You are the one who will be under pressure. You do realize that people will
pressure you to reveal my whereabouts so Law enforcement will catch me.
What will you do about that??
• I'm assuming that there is lot more to say. A kind of mental I
0644
blank >or fogginess as to what unfolded. Has the fog lifted yet? If so how
does the landscape look? Do you see things that you would like to share.
T did that when I told you about JonBenet's runny nose. I can't promise
a lot but I am and have been doing my best. I will share more.
•
One thing that still puzzles me greatly are the stun gun marks. Is
it >possible they were used during some kind of blackout period? That
>would certainly potentially fit with the lack of memory.
I want you to describe these marks and their location. Can you do that
without doubting me?
• Errrm, I really would like to go back to being myself sometime, To
not talking to me after all this is over?
• before JonBenet came along, in the mysterious way she took
• over my life, and led to our virtual meeting ie, in cyberspace,
I am honored I have had such an influence on you. I respect you very
much. Ok?
• Why don't you send me a photo if you want me to know what you look
• like.
That is a strange question. It is one that a police informant would ask.
Daxis
account required
2
0645
dennett, Tom
From:
,3ent:
To:
Subject:
Bennett, Tom
[Fwd: ]
2
Untitled Attachment
5/6/06 #3
1
0646
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
fo:
Andrew Smit
Lou, he's saying that JonBenet had a cold, hence the runny nose and that
John and Patsy could confirm this. Any way of finding out. m
Michael,
•
Please tell me what she said, even though as you say her words
•
were sacred to you.
I told you one thing she said and even repeated it. You had nothing to
say about it. I will try to share more. Her words were for me.
•
•
You said that she expressed her feelings in the best way she could
under the circumstances. Can you expand on this please. I
will try, Michael. It is so hard...
•
•
•
•
Absolutely I recognized that it was significant the very first
time you mentioned. It was one more, ostensibly, small piece of
information that confirmed the truth of your description. Quite
brilliantly really.
Thank you. You did miss the point of my intense description and its
significance. Her parents could confirm her runny nose.... You think?
•
it is also one of those details that most people would never see as >
being significant.
But it was so important...
• You know that I don't. What becomes clear is that a kind of
• • gentle touching, particularly with your tongue, is something that
you
•
find profoundly erotic.
That was not the important part. The fact that I drank her for the first
time and it made me want her blood was the purely erotic and important
theme.
> did you take advantage of your maid's flirting with you. I
• assume not.
I
0647
Of course not. Daxis
2
0648
Bennett, Tom
From:
Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu)
lent:
do:
Andrew Smit
Michael,
It is hard to say when I knew I wanted to possess JonBenet. It is like
asking when I know I fall in love with a little girl. It is something for
me that comes to fruition over time. It starts with an initial physical
attraction to a pretty face and body. It then evolves to her personality.
Then, the overwhelming sexual desire that was present from the start
takes a large role.
I have sent two mails to you. I have run out of time today and will
respond more tomorrow. I want to make a proposition. I would like to write
a message to the Ramseys - a small message stating my desire and reasons
for wanting to talk to them. I wish for you to phone them again and to
read it aloud to them over the phone. Would you do that for me? I think it
will convince them to speak to me. Tell me what you think, counselor.
Daxis
1
0649
Bennett, Tom
From:
,3ent:
To:
Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.eduj
Sunday, May 07, 2006 12:50 PM
Andrew Smit; omgray@attglobal.net
Lou and Ollie, this one is fascinating for numerous reasons: 1) he says
again that he wants to take the "girl," previously referred to as the
"female," out of any investigation and out of any suggestion that she was
involved in the killing, for which he once more confesses to, saying that
he takes "full responsibility," as opposed to, for example, partial
responsibility. 2) and this is the bit that REALLY got my attention, he
writes: "Sandrock knows something but not much. I do not think he should
ever know that he met Daxis in Paris. We must also remove Sandrock from
the equation." You will recall that it was Mike who met Daxis at the
Shakespeare book store in Paris, that led to DecemberMan/Daxis'
correspondence with me. One thing I said to D about Mike is that he had a
photo of him. He got very nervous about this and I thought it wise to back
track so I said something to the effect that Mike had told me that he
might have a photo, but i wasn't sure. I've been trying to think this
through logically - recognizing that I'm dealing with someone here who is
several apples short of a picnic. Over the past several weeks, when his
writing has become more detailed and frenetic, and when he has after all
confessed to killing JonBenet, it seemed to me that he wanted this to end,
that he wants to be found. One thing in particular was when he suddenly
starts talking about the twelve year old girls he is clearly saying he
killed and adds that I shouldn't try and investigate them because that
might "identify" him. I took that to be saying, investigate and identify.
Now he is saying that Sandrock should be taken out of the "equation,"
which I am interpreting to mean go to Sandrock and get the photo. Someone
has to do that because it is a totally reasonable assumption to assume
that Mike has a photo of Daxis, who has confessed and who may well be the
real killer - I qualify here because I realize that he may be playing me,
which is a deep source of frustration, even if at some kind of intuitive
level I've thought from the get go, ie. four years ago, that this is him.
I can arrange a meeting with Mike, who is eager to keep his name out of
this. But someone HAS to talk to him, other than me because in the end I
have no authority. There's something else which I don't think I've
mentioned to either of you before. Several years back one of my students
told me a really interesting story. Susan Rajabi was Miss Colorado in
1996. She was also a student in the School of Journalism. She was in a
class where one of the assignments was to write a profile of someone. She
asked if she could do one about me. When Miss Colorado who was also a
contestant in the Miss America contest asks if she can talk to you one
does tend to say yes. So we talked, and much of it was about my having
done the first documentary etc etc. She told me a really interesting
story. She had been a judge at one of the pageants that Jonbenet was
involved in in 1996. After the judging, which JonBenet won, Susan noticed
a guy with whom JonBenet seemed to be very friendly. She assumed that it
was JonBenet's father and went over, shook hands and said "you must be
very proud of your daughter." He replies "yes I am." After the murder,
Susan was at home watching the news with her dad. John Ramsey's photo came
up on the screen, identified as JonBenet's father. She turns to her dad
and says, "that's not the guy i met at the pageant with JonBenet." I
pressed her on it and she was adamant that it wasn't even close. So here
is an obvious possibility: Sandrock has a photo, it is shown to Susan, it
is or is not the guy rx. the pageant. What is also intriguing here is that
DecemberMan/ Daxis has consistently - throught the four years of
correspondence - let it be known that the Rasmeys know him. So any photo
could be shown to them. There's also his confidence - as indicated in a
recent
1
0650
e-mail - that if the name :"Daxis," is mentioned they will recognize it.
The obvious question is why would he want me to pass on the name if John
and Patsy would say, never heard of him. That would undermine everything he
has been trying to persuade me of in endless e-mails. In fact, if that does
happen i think that's it for me. I realize that ie are dealing with a very
strange personality here and that there may be another way of thinking
about this. If there is it's beyond my humble abilities to fathom.
One more point. Bryan and Pat have decided that they are going to take two
approaches: Pat is going to the CBI and Bryan is going to Lacy. I believe
that this might happen this week. This was prompted by their reading all
the recent e-mails. If nothing happens then I think i'm going to call my
various contacts in the media , beginning with CBS and Todd Hartmann at the
Rocky and say "fellas, got a great story for you." And you know as well as
i do they will be all over it - look at the reaction of Bryan and Pat,
hardly two ingenues. Problem with that is that Daxis or whoever the hell
this guy is, will disappear totally and will have - quite possibly - gotten
away with it. And that would be sad.
m
Michael,
I was sorry to see my mailbox empty today after sending four mails to
you yesterday. I hope you received them and will respond soon. Today,
my head has been roaring with JonBenet and that night along with the
thought of talking to the Ramseys and all you and I have talked about.
There is so much I need to say to you and so little time given to me
each day - a lousy hour. That might change soon.
•
•
•
the duct tape, the rope, the stun gun and leave behind the weapon
that caused the blow to the head? Doesn't make sense. Too much
intelligence and preparation in play to make such a basic error.
I want to ask you a question about this whole taiser issue. Did the
medical examiner determine and report that a taiser was used on her? If
not, who determined this? If it was law enforcement, it could open itself
up to a lot of reasons why they determined it. It would be a key piece in
exonerating the Ramseys as they would have no reason for taising their
own daughter to remove her from her bed. There was also no reason for
taising JonBenet if it was NOT her parents. I know it was NOT her
parents. I know and you know who it was and a taiser was not used, at
least not at that time. I still ask you to describe those marks on
JonBenet.
•
How can i know. of course I flirted with the idea that she was an
•
alter ego, but I also flirted with the idea that she was real.
A true alter ego is viewed as a third person by the person experiencing
said alter ego. True multiple personalities are separate entities within
one physical body. One is only aware of the other but does not consider
it to be hisself or herself. I am not saying it was an alter ego. I am
not saying, at this time, that it was a real person. I am going to leave
this for now.
;~ One thing about the ransom note, however brilliant a distraction >
it
2
0651
• was, is that it is written as if more than one person is involved. So
• when you rpreviously raised the issue of the female it made
possible
•
sense.
And now I am confusing you which is the last thing I wanted to do. I
will say that I was part if not the whole part of that note.
In conclusion, I wish to take full responsibility for all the events
that occured that night. You might well think I am protecting a girl and
I might be. If I can think of a way to protect her and continue to
interject and reveal that she was with me that night, I will. Otherwise,
I just have to leave it for now until I can figure out how to handle it.
"Please do not allow it to discredit my intimate accounts of that
night."
•
How does this put the issue of the Tazer to rest. What is the "it" >
•
that might discredit your account.
I was not talking about the taiser. I was talking about the
flashlight found in the house.
•
The basic point is, all the photographic evidence is that a stun gun >
was used.
Michael, nothing is basic about the events of that night. I am a very
complex person. Again, who says it is photographic evidence. What is
photographic evidence anyway? Did the medical examiner note trauma to
that area photographed caused by high voltage electricity? If so, was it
in his report? I want you to find out for me because I will not dabble in
anything to do with "the case". I am not here to discuss "the case". I am
here to tell you what happened.
•
•
•
The assumption is that it was short and savage. Your
argument is that it was drawn out, slow and intended to be so
because of the desire to arouse her and be aroused. As you can
te• ll >by now, I'm convinced.
You cannot know what that means to me, Michael - that you are convinced.
Thank you so much for believing me and standing by me. You have taken my
part and revealed me to the Ramseys. You have not revealed me to anyone
else. Sandrock knows something but not much. I do not think he should
ever know that he met Daxis in Paris. We must also remove Sandrock from
the equation. If this book is published and is a success, and it will be,
the world will pressure you and anyone who might know of me or my
whereabouts, to such a degree that it will become unbearable. Only you
and the Ramseys should have contact with me. Are you prepared for this
pressure because it is sure that the world will call for the head of
Daxis.
3
0652
I already know what it feels like and know I can handle it.
•
•
You have a good memory. A group of us used t met at the Trident.
Did you ever go there when you were in Boulder.
I don't recall ever going to that place. I am not a coffee drinker.
•
•
•
Interesting. We talked a lot about the case, with most people
disagreeing with me when I said that the parents didn't do it.
What I didn't know was just how interesting the truth would prove
to >be.
Again, you use the term "truth". I thank you. I talked about this
situation only briefly with a few close friends and family in America
before I left. I never told anyone I killed JonBenet. My father was
really concerned about the fact that I visited her grave often. He would
say, "Daxis, they might have cameras at the gravesite. What if someone
sees you there." It was strange thing that he would single me out from
the hundreds of others who visited her grave. He sensed something. I am
sure it was based on my conversations with him about JonBenet. He was
also aware that I was sexually attracted to little girls. That was
something I told several close contacts. Well, there must not have been a
camera because I talked out loud to JonBenet at her grave about that
night....
•
•
Thanks for the description. I wonder why he said that you had
light hair, or perhaps I misheard.
Maybe you recalled it that way because of the photo I sent to you that
you thought was me as a child. I was a blonde child. That is what I
looked like but that was not me. I told you the little girl's identity
but you seemed to miss the whole issue.
• Guys after all don't send too much time on discussing what other guys
>look like.
Good.... Again, we need to remove him from the equation. There is no
telling what he might do if pressured and he would be pressured if this
is released to the world.
•
Thank you for your frankness. It is of course very erotic.
I am glad you think my encounters with the 8 year old was erotic. It
was unreally erotic at the time.
•
•
It made me think of how many eight year olds I have known socially
who had desires about which I hadn't a clue.
Many, but just know that little girls are not permiscuous. They .lave
a taste in men and will only act this way with men they are attracted
to.
4
0653
• The fact the news media carry stories does seem to get you ag•
itated. >Why is that.
It was an intimate love affair for me. It was my secret and TonBenet's
secret. They have no right to expose her and me. It hurts. There are so
many lies. I don't want to share her with the media. I hate them and how
they sell my darling little girl like a commodity.
•
I am sure you know that JonBenet was the biggest story of any
kind..
But she was NOT a big story to me. She was my Little Princess. I was so
in love with her. She is not a story. She was a little girl. I loved that
little girl.
•
Her name is globally recognized, a bit like Diana. Did you ever
think >that would happen and, more importantly, how do you feel about
it.
I did not think about it at all until it DID happen. I did not go to my
Goddess for media attention. I went to her because the desire in me was
unreal. I feel horrible that the world says her name like it is a brand
name. Her name was so unique and special. It has been traded by the media
like a cheap commodity. Damn them to Hell. I am also very possessive
still of JonBenet. I would get upset when her grave was changed. I know
that sounds odd, but I still have an inexplicable connection to her even to her body that is now out of my reach which kills me. To me, from
that night forward, she is 2orever mine. I share her only with her mother
and father. When things would change about her grave, I would always say,
this had better be the work of her parents and not someone else. I so
miss that grave. I needed to be close to her body. I should have taken
her that night....
• But I do want to help you to reveal what really happened. Talking to >
the Ramseys is one way,
Thank you. I need to connect with JonBenet's mother especially. When you
told me that her sweet father cried for her, I was touched. Poor Daddy. I
have an enormous desire to love and embrace them both if they will let
me.
•
the book is another
The book is a must.
• • publishing a version of our correspondence would be another. No. Only
a book.
As our correspondence unfolds on a basically daily basis I know
that >the key for you is to talk to Patsy. However, is there any other
way >I can help you while that contact is being arranged? M
5
0654
Thank you so much for that. Yes, you can help me by responding to me. You
can help me by reading messages from me to the Ramseys via phone. Please
consider this. I will make the messages short. I think it will take
something like this to reach their hearts. It rill be filled with respect.
Another issue you might tell them is that I am not a monster type with long
shaggy hair and a beard. I am a polished, handsome, sophisticated person. I
am a first grade teacher. I am also very very caring and wish to care for
them during all their grief. I wish to grieve with them and to grant them
peace. I can do this and more if given a safe chance. I want their home
contact number for safe keeping. I want to begin our correspondence with email that they verify. This is the only way I can do it for now.
There is so much more to say. Oh how I love that child, JonBenet. I am so
glad she was a
so glad that I
of my love and
me. I love you
part of my life and continues to be with me in spirit. I am
have finally found a person like you who listens to me talk
sexual lust for her and that you believe me and never judge
for that, Michael.
Daxis
required
6
0655
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
lent: Tuesday, May 09, 2006 10:33 AM
to:
Andrew Smit
Michael,
Thank you for your letters. I appreciate that the caring you is back. I am
sorry but you are going to have to handle me gently if you want me to get
through this. I am on the verge of exposing myself to the whole world. At
times, I think the whole thing between us will fall apart. It was
especially evident when I saw that you had planned to dedicate a whole
chapter to the ever illusive and mysterious evidential taiser. I see you
at times, publishing a book to beat the Christmas deadline, without the
intregal part of the story - Daxis. You can't do that, Michael. You are
wasting your time doing that. Sure, your book will be read but what will
it say? What will it accomplish? For instance, you wasted so much of your
time writing about that taiser. I could have saved you the entire chapter
because I know the truth. You see, Michael, the whole "case", of which I
hate, was and is tainted. Finally, you tell me that the flashlight
disappeared. That tells you a lot. It was not mine. It was planted or
never existed. The same with the taiser. I am glad you finally agree with
me. Michael, I am allowing you to see beyound this haze that has been
created by the speculators, the sleuths (Lou Smit), and those who are
trying to make the Ramseys look innocent. Maybe you were testing me about
the stun gun. Well, I passed the test. But those who created that theory
failed. You know me, Michael. You know there was no reason whatsoever to
use something like that. I will tell you now that I mould never have
considered taising my lover like that. All the signs of violence were
actually based in love, sex and mercy. Never again let those who were NOT
with JonBenet when she died, confuse you about the truth.
Michael, I never said the Ramseys would recognize my name. They will not
recognize the name Daxis. I was JonBenet's Closest, not theirs. I am very
worried about JonBenet's mother. This is the best time to tell her about
me. It has happened in the nick of time. I want to bring her peace. I will
not do anything to harm her health. She will be cleansed. There is no need
to protect her from me. I am here to help her. The questions is, how can I
gain John's trust. I promise not to go into any details at all about
JonBenet's death. They need to know that she had a lover named Daxis, that
a dashing Prince was with her when she died; that she was not viciously
murdered; that I cared for her and tried to revive her when I thought she
was dead. I loved her so much and I am so sorry that she died in my arms.
But it is important that they know WHO she was with and how she died. For
instance, she did not suffer. That would mean the world to a mommy to know
that her little girl did not suffer - that she was not tortured. It
appears that way. It appears brutal. It was not. Those parents see a
horrified child awaiting a brutal end when, in reality, she softly went to
sleep and never awakened.
> YOU HAVE THE INTELLECT THOUGH THAT JESUITS LIKE TO PRODUCE,
CLEVER,
> ABLE TO USE LANGUAGE, RIGOROUS.
1
0656
Thank you. But I am not a Jesuit. I am aware of them.
"ACTUALLY THE REASON WHY I HAVE BECOME SO CONVINCED OF WHAT YOU ARE
SAYING, CONVINCED THAT IT IS THE TRUTH IS PRECISELY BECAUSE YOU IAVE
NOT PLAYED BACK THE COMMONSENSICAL UNDERSTANDINGS OF THE CASE. YOU
HAVE EXPLAINED IN A TOTALLY ORIGINAL WAY. YOU CERTAINLY MADE ME THINK
ABOUT THE CASE, WHICH I THOUGHT I KNEW INSIDE OUT, IN A TOTALLY
DIFFERENT WAY."
I deeply appreciate this coming from someone I respect as I do you. It has
become important to me that you believe in me. I will always go against
the speculations and general consensus. The truth is never as it seems. In
cases of exotic love, involving two very complicated people, there is not
clear cut path lest one hears the truth spoken from those two lovers Daxis and JonBenet.
"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR NAME, IN FACT IT IS REALLY
INTERESTING AND CERTAINLY DIFFERENT."
Thank you again. It is lovely when placed beside JonBenet's name. It is
very different, like me.
"I WASN'T AWARE THAT THE GRAVE HAD BEEN CHANGED, OTHER THAN THE
HEADSTONE BEING PUT IN PLACE AFTER A YEAR."
It was nothing major. I went to be with her one day and someone had
planted small flowers surrounding the marble slab that covers her grave.
It hindered me from sitting beside her grave and draping my body over her
to kiss her name. I just wondered who did it. I think Nedra did it but
also I considered it might be her mother. In that case, it was ok but it
hampered my regular ritual. They must never exhume her body. I will go out
of my mind if that baby is touched. I have had fears that the Ramseys
might move her. I just want her with me and not having control over that
is difficult.
SEND THE MESSAGES AND ITS A DONE THING.
Thank you. I will give it some deep thought. My problem is the short
one hour I get daily.
WHEN YOU SAY "VERIFY," WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M NOT VERY TECHNICALLY MINDED.
The landline number can be verified. I will accept a simple confirmation
from them on the e-mail address but I can trace from where it was sent
unless it is AOL.
This is something you ignored. I suppose it was arrogant of me to write
it but it is what I feel. I also feel like a total idiot now that you did
not respond to it:
> But I thought you were interested in cooperating on a book.
I don't know where this came from. You know I want this. Now that you
brought it up, I think you should write a book about me. I think you
should title it "Daxis" with a small subtitle beneath :eferencing
JonBenet. I think you should insert your commentary and
interject the writings you have already done that revolve around the
case, it would be the true cowriting experience. So there, I
2
0657
said it
By the way, I did not touch the twelve year old girl when I took her and
returned her home. You mentioned a drawn out sex encounter. That never
happened at that time. It DID happen when we spent )everal months together
when she turned 13....
I want to move on and start talking to you about more things
concerning that night. For instance, we were not together for hours.
It was less time than you think.
I used tight leather driving gloves while in the house prior to the Ramsey
family's arrival that night and partially when I was with JonBenet.
However, there were times when I did not wear them so that I could touch
her skin with at least parts of my hands.
By now, you have read in this letter that I made attempts to revive
JonBenet. I have yet to describe the very dramatic reaction that I had
when I realized she was not breathing. If anyone came close to screaming,
it was I. I was crying and frantic - "Oh JonBenet please please please
sweetheart! Breathe for me. Please don't leave me. I love you so much. Oh
babydoll, please come back to me. Please, JonBenet!" I embraced her and
squeezed her to depress her chest and breathed into her mouth trying
everything in my power to revive her. I was out of my mind. It was Hell.
There is no way to describe it. The rest of the events of that night are
difficult for me to recall. The trauma of all that was unreal and still
haunts me.
Thank you so much for your belief and support. I do need you, Michael.
I am sorry you are depressed. But please, we must get through this
together. JonBenet did love Daxis.... I love her so much.
Daxis
account required
3
0658
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu
ent: Friday, May 12, 2006 12:57 PM
ro: discoverer@adelphia.net; Bennett, Tom
Subject:
Spam:
Michael,
I am very pleased that Mr. Ramsey wishes to give me a remote chance to
speak to him and importantly, to his lovely wife. However, I am
disappointed that he is doing exactly what I told you I would not do. I
cannot know what he wants to hear from me. It is obvious that he has
something on his mind that he wishes for me to guess. How can I know what
that is? It reminds me of when he said once, "If you can find the guy who
tied that special knot on the rope that was tied around JonBenet's neck,
you have your man." Well, Michael, there is an irony in that request. You
would not have your man if you found the person who tied that knot... I
will say this: the asphyxia apparatus found around her neck was NOT the
one used during our love making. It was placed there post mortem. Though
that is very important, I know he is not looking for something like that.
He is looking for something that likely meant nothing to me but something
he thinks I should know. I can't read his mind. I will try....
JonBenet was wearing some kind of fragrance that night. I am not sure
what it was but it was precious and sweet. I will say that it
'as a fragrance a woman would wear and not a child - something
:xpensive. I noticed things about her and not my surroundings. I was in
pitch dark 98 per cent of the time if not more. Damn it.... I hate this.
I did not wear shoes in the upper part of the house... If only II could
think of something they said when they returned home but I cannot. I
heard them talking but I was so nervous, it was like the roar of the
ocean. I can't recall a single thing about their conversation. I can't do
this, Michael. He's fishing for something and I don't know what.
Her runny nose is something no person could have known about. Why can't
that be enough? Michael, you are convinced I am telling the truth based
on what I have said to you here. Can you not convey something to him that
I have already told you that would also convince him? Think of this
logically. If I wanted a claim to fame, why did I talk to you for four
years after her murder six years previous, to finally admit to it? If I
was some thrill seeker looking to just talk to the Ramseys, why would I
tell you that receiving a phone number would NOT mean I would ever use it
because I am frightened I would be caught? But I want to please the
Ramseys though it goes against all I believe in concerning this matter.
What happened between JonBenet and me was special and very intimate. I
would be just as glad to take it to my grave. I had planned to take it to
my grave until something compelled me to divulge it to you and now this.
JonBenet had a runny nose that night. That is something that only a
person in close proximity to her would know. I could have seen her across
a room and not have known that. I would have to be inches `rom her face
to know that. How else could I know that? How else :ould I know how she
smelled and the condition of her health? Who could have known it and how
could it have been known by anyone but me? That alone, yet also coupled
with all that I have told you should be enough. Help me, Michael. You are
convinced. Ask yourself
1
0659
why and then convey that to John Ramsey.
I want you to tell him that I promise and will sign anything to this effect
that: I will not divulge anything I say or that he or ',is wife will say to me,
to anyone. You must promise him verbally 'r in writing that you will not publish
anything they say to me or anything I say to them in this correspondence.
This means so much to me. It is the closest I have ever come to dealing with
this situation of connecting with her parents and apologizing for my actions. It
will fall apart unless something I said in this mail suffices. My knowledge of
her runny nose is beyound suffice. Coupled with my letters to you in the past
few weeks, I cannot think of anything that could convince them more. Obviously
it is not enough.
I suppose you are not going to answer my last two mails, maybe never, if I do not
pass the John Ramsey test. I was going to say more of the condition JonBenet was
found in. I will make one statement since I am now being only "considered" to be
worthy of your attention or the attention of the Ramseys: most of the things
found with her body were added post mortem - I was the magician and it was my
slight of hand.
"He knows, and accepts, that I believe your account as related over the past
several weeks. And as you know he trusts my judgment."
And this is so important here. You must think of some of those things I have
said that have convinced you. You have my permission to send excerpts from my
letters to John Ramsey only. I would not do this under any other circumstances
but this is so important to all of us.
'I should tell you something, that has not been made public yet, jut Patsy's
health seems to be deteriorating. If this final conversation, this final
closure is to happen it has to happen relatively soon."
I am so sorry to hear this but I already knew. I have a spiritual connection
with JonBenet's mother. It is due to the fact that JonBenet "took care" of her
mother when she was sick. JonBenet was very worried about her mother and still
is. I pray to the dead, as do all Catholics. I pray to JonBenet and she speaks to
me through prayer. It is not anything insane, it is typical Catholicism at work.
I shall pray for Patsy to JonBenet this very night. We must connect before we
lose JonBenet's mother to death. Please help me do this.
"I am begging you take up this offer - and it is a rare blue moon when I beg."
You don't have to beg me. I want this so much - for the memory of JonBenet to
finally be at rest. I do not think I have said anything worth anything at all
above. I did my best. You have to remember that at the end, I was heavily
traumatized and have blocked out the whole of that night for years. It was not
until I talked to you for over four years that I recalled anything at all. It is
easy since I am out of the country with no people ever mentioning even the case to
me. Ten years of a total blackout is a long time. I will be sorrier than you could
ever know if I have not passed this test - the test of my life. I do wish it was
not the approach taken. I recall once exploding almost at one of my attorneys when
she asked
ze for details about JonBenet and the fact that I had killed her. I cesponded,
"My relationship with JonBenet is my business. What we had was private. Our love,
our sex, and the tragic death that followed was something I shared with JonBenet
and I will never share it with anyone else." I really felt that way and my
attorney
2
0660
never brought her up again. I have done my best to change that
stance in the last few weeks but I cannot promise you that I will
ever be totally open about the details. You ask what words she
spoke and such things will likely remain my secret and JonBenet's
secret. Yes, she said words. No, I have not told you any of them
vith the exception of one - "Mom".
Please tell the Ramseys I love them and I won't leave their
daughter.
Daxis
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0661
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
,:ent: Friday, May 12, 2006 4:46 PM
10:
Bennett, Tom
Subject:
Re: Thank you
Here is my reply.
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.
On May 12, 2006, at 5:40 AM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
• • I am very pleased that Mr. Ramsey wishes to give me a remote chance
• to speak to him and importantly, to his lovely wife. However, I am
• disappointed that he is doing exactly what I told you I would not
• do. I cannot know what he wants to hear from me. It is obvious that
• he has something on his mind that he wishes for me to guess. How
• can I know what that is?
I UNDERSTAND YOUR DILEMMA. TO BE HONEST I'M NOT SURE THAT JOHN HAD
ANYTHING PARTICULAR IN MIND, JUST SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT OUT THERE IN THE
ENDLESS DISCUSSION ON THE INTERNET. SOMETHING THAT ONLY THE PERSON WHO
TOOK JONBENET'S LFE WOULD KNOW. I THINK YOU SEE THIS, AND THAT IS WHY
YOUR REFERENCE TO THE RUNNY NOSE AND NOW TO THE
FRAGRANCE ARE SO INTERESTING. ACTUALLY THE FACT THAT SHE WAS WEARING A
FRAGRANCE THAT WAS ADULT FEELS RIGHT I'M USING "FEELS" THERE I THAT
BRITISH WAY THAT YOU ARE SOMETIMES
TRKED BY. IT ALSO RAISED A QUESTION IN MY MIND THAT HAD NEVER REALLY
OCCURRED TO ME BEFORE, WHICH IS WHETHER KIDS IN PAGEANTS DON'T JUST DRESS
IN AN ADULT FASHION,
INDEED IN WHAT I THINK WE CAN BOTH AGREE IS INTENDED TO BE A TAD
SEXY, ALSO WEAR PERFUMES. I ONCE SAW A VIDEO OF JONBENET BEING
INTERVIEWED BY A JUDGE AT A PAGEANT, WHERE SHE SAID
THAT HER FAVOURITE ANIMAL AT THE ZOO WAS THE MONKEY. I WONDER IF PART OF THE
PROTOCOL IS TO WEAR EXPENSIVE PERFUME. YOU CAN TELL I'M NO EXPERT ON
PAGEANTS.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
It reminds me of when he said once, "If
you can find the guy who tied that special knot on the rope that
was tied around JonBenet's neck, you have your man." Well, Michael,
there is an irony in that request. You would not have your man if
you found the person who tied that knot... I will say this: the
asphyxia apparatus found around her neck was NOT the one used
during our love making.
NOW THIS I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR ELLIPTICAL MODE IS RESURFACING.
WHAT WAS USED DURING THE LOVEMAKING. IF I READ THIS MAIL CORRECTLY AND
PLACE IT IN THE CONTEXT OF
YOUR EARLIER DESCRIPTION OF THE SEXUAL NATURE OF THE ASPHYXIATION , THAT
IT WAS INTENDED TO AROUSE HER, NOT HARM HER ARE YOU NOW SAYING THAT TWO
SETS OF EQUIPMENT WERE USED.
YOU MUST KNOW THAT THE COLOUR OF THE MARKINGS LEFT BY THE ROPE
SUGGEST THAT SHE WAS ALIVE WHEN THE ROPE WAS TIGHTENED. OR AM I
GETTING THIS COMPLETELY WRONG? WOULDN'T BE THE
FIRST TIME WOULD IT.
• It was placed there post mortem. Though
that is very important, I know he is not looking for something like
• that. He is looking for something that likely meant nothing to me
• but something he thinks I should know. I can't read his mind. I
• will try....
i
0662
I SYMPATHIZE WITH THE DIFFICULTY OF RESPONDING TO JOHN'S REQUEST. THE
FRAGRANCE, THE RUNNY NOSE MAY WELL DO IT, ALONGSIDE THE ARTICULATION OF MY
OWN JUDGMENT.
•
•
JonBenet was wearing some kind of fragrance that night. I am not
> sure what it was but it was precious and sweet. I will say that it
was a fragrance a woman would wear and not a child - something
expensive. I noticed things about her and not my surroundings.
DO YOU MEAN THINGS LIKE THE SCENT, WHAT SHE WAS WEARING, THE
BRACELET? I CAN IMAGINE THAT THE MOMENT WAS SO INTENSE THAT YOU WOULD
NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FOCUS ON WHAT
THEY WERE SAYING. I'VE ALWAYS ASSUMED THAT THEY MORE OR LESS WENT STRAIGHT
UPSTAIRS TO THE BEDROOMS. JONBENET WAS ASLEEP WHEN THEY CAME BACK.
• I
• was in pitch dark 98 per cent of the time if not more. Damn it....
• I hate this. I did not wear shoes in the upper part of the house...
THIS IS AN INTERESTING DETAIL WHICH PUZZLES ME A LITTLE. DO YOU MEAN WHEN
SHE WAS BEING REMOVED FROM THE ROOM? I RECALL THAT THE CARPET WAS VERY
THICK AND THAT
NONE OF THE FLOORBOARDS CREAKED AS WOULD HAPPEN IN MOST HOUSES.
• If only I could think of something they said when they returned
• home but I cannot. I heard them talking but I was so nervous, it
• was like the roar of the ocean. I can't recall a single thing about
• their conversation. I can't do this, Michael. He's fishing for
• something and I don't know what.
SEE ABOVE.
• • Her runny nose is something no person could have known about. Why
can't that be enough? Michael, you are convinced I am telling the
truth based on what I have said to you here. Can you not convey >
something to him that I have already told you that would also
• convince him?
I WILL NOW DO THAT. DON'T FORGET THAT YOU HAVE ASKED ME TO BE VERY
CIRCUMSPECT IN WHAT I SAY, INDEED THAT I SAY NOTHING TO ANYONE. YOU CAN
UNDERSTAND THAT I AM DESPERATE
TO SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE HAD TO SAY WITH THE WHOLE WORLD, BUT I'M ALSO VERY
PATIENT WHEN I NEED TO BE. AND TO BE FRANK, IT WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE FOR ME
TO SAY ANYTHING
YET SINCE I KNOW THERE IS MORE FOR YOU TO TELL ME ABOUT THAT NIGHT, AND
ALSO ABOUT THE WHOLE EVOLUTION OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JONBENET. I'VE
LONG ASSUMED THAT YOU HAD SOME J KIND OF TEACHING RELATIONSHIP AND THAT IT
GREW FROM THAT. IN FACT DIDN'T YOU SAY IN A RECENT MAIL THAT YOU REMEMBERED
WATCHING HER MAKE CHRISTMAS TRINKETS IN THE CLASSROOM. I THINK ANYBOOK
WOULD WANT TO EXPLORE HOW THE RELATIONSHIP UNFOLDED TO THE LEVEL OF
INTENSITY WHICH CAME TO BE.
• Think of this logically. If I wanted a claim to fame,
• why did I talk to you for four years after her murder six years
• previous, to finally admit to it? If I was some thrill seeker
• looking to just talk to the Ramseys, why would I tell you that
• receiving a phone number would NOT mean I would ever use it because
• I am frightened I would be caught? But I want to please the Ramseys
• though it goes against all I believe in concerning this matter.
• What happened between JonBenet and me was special and very
• intimate. I would be just as glad to take it to my grave. I had
planned to take it to my grave until something compelled me to
divulge it to you and now this.
I'VE OFTEN WONDERED WHY YOU FELT THE NEED TO START WRITING TO ME, AND WHY
IN RECENT WEEKS YOU DID INDEED BECOME INCREDIBLY CANDID? PERHAPS
2
0663
YOU INTUITIVELY KNEW THAT I WAS A
GOOD LISTENER I'M ASSUMING WE NEVER MET. DON'T FORGET MY TRAINING AS A
RESEARCHER AND WRITER WAS BUILT AROUND LISTENING. I'M NOT THE STORY, YOU
ARE, AND AN UNBELIEVABLY FASCINATING ')NE AT THAT.
> JonBenet had a runny nose that night. That is something that only a
•
person in close proximity to her would know. I could have seen her
•
across a room and not have known that. I would have to be inches
•
from her face to know that. How else could I know that? How else
•
could I know how she smelled and the condition of her health? Who
•
could have known it and how could it have been known by anyone but
•
me? That alone, yet also coupled with all that I have told you
•
should be enough. Help me, Michael. You are convinced. Ask yourself
•
why and then convey that to John Ramsey.
YOUR POINT IS WELL TAKEN, AND I WILL SHARE IT WITH JOHN THIS WEEKEND. I
BELIEVE HE IS ON HIS WAY TO ATLANTA TO BE WITH PATSY. I TRULY HOPE WE CAN
WORK THIS OUT. I KNOW YOU ARE EAGER
TO DO SO BUT PLEASE BE PATIENT FOR A SHORT WHIILE LONGER. AS YOU SAY YOU
HAVE WAITED TEN YEARS SINCE THAT NIGHT, AND YOU AND I HAVE BEE TALKING
FOR FOUR YEARS.
• • I want you to tell him that I promise and will sign anything to
•
this effect that: I will not divulge anything I say or that he or
•
his wife will say to me, to anyone. You must promise him verbally
•
or in writing that you will not publish anything they say to me or
•
anything I say to them in this correspondence.
DONE.IN FACT YOU WILL RECALL THAT I WILL HAVE NO INVOLVEMENT IN THE
"OMMUNICATION. I WILL MERELY PROVIDE YOU WITH THE DETAILS AND THEN IT .S
DOWN TO THE THREE OF YOU.
BTW, I WANTED TO REITERATE SOMETHING THAT I SAIDTO YOU RECENTLY, AND THIS
IS THAT I GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE IN A PLACE IN THEIR BEEING THAT
WILL ALLOW THEM TO FORGIVE. THEY WILL NEVER FORGET, BUT THEY WILL
FORGIVE. I AM ALSO NOW CONVINCED THAT THEY CAN FACE THE WHOLE TRUTH ABOUT
THAT NIGHT AND THAT THEY DESPERATELY WANT TO DO SO. AND THAT THE TRUTH IS
WITHIN YOUR GIFT TO GRANT.
• • This means so much to me. It is the closest I have ever come to
•
dealing with this situation of connecting with her parents and
•
apologizing for my actions. It will fall apart unless something I
•
said in this mail suffices. My knowledge of her runny nose is
•
beyound suffice. Coupled with my letters to you in the past few
•
weeks, I cannot think of anything that could convince them more.
•
Obviously it is not enough.
I THINK IT IS, AND WILL TELL THEM THIS. AND DON'T FORGET THEY TRUST ME,
AND WHY NOT? DAVID MILLS AND I COULD HAVE MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IF WE
HAD BEEEN WILLING TO
BETRAY THEM WHEN WE SHOT THE INTERVIEW IN 1998. WE WERE OFFERED A
FORTUNE. THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A NICE THING TO DO WOULD IT, AND I
COULD NEVER HAVE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR
AGAIN NOR FACED MY KIDS, OF WHICH NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT.
• • I suppose you are not going to answer my last two mails, maybe
•
never, if I do not pass the John Ramsey test
'1F COURSE I WILL REPLY TO THE EARLIER MAILS. I WILL DO SO THIS
'EEKEND. THANK GOD I' M THRUGH WITH SCHOOL AND ALL THE LITTLE
MUNCHKINS ARE LEAVING TOWN. BLISS...
•
•
I was going to say
more of the condition JonBenet was found in. I will make one
3
0664
• statement since I am now being only "considered" to be worthy of
• your attention or the attention of the Ramseys: most of the things
• found with her body were added post mortem - I was the magician and
• it was my slight of hand.
:OUR ARE OBVIOUSLY WORTHY OF MY ATTENTION AND THEIRS. BUT WHAT WAS
ADDED POSTMORTEM APART FROM THE KNICKERS. I'M ASSUMING THAT THE SLEIGHT
OF HAND WAS MEANT TO THROW
INVESTIGATORS OFF. YOU CERTAINLY MANAGED THAT. I AM HOWEVER PUZZLED BY
THE PHRASE RE THE THINGS "FOUND WITH HER BODY."
• • "He knows, and accepts, that I believe your account as related over
• the past several weeks. And as you know he trusts my judgment."
• • And this is so important here. You must think of some of those
• things I have said that have convinced you. You have my permission
• to send excerpts from my letters to John Ramsey only. I would not
• do this under any other circumstances but this is so important to
• all of us.
I WILL SEND THEM.
• • "I should tell you something, that has not been made public yet,
• but Patsy's health seems to be deteriorating. If this final
• conversation, this final closure is to happen it has to happen
• relatively soon."
• • I am so sorry to hear this but I already knew. I have a spiritual
• connection with JonBenet's mother. It is due to the fact that
• JonBenet "took care" of her mother when she was sick. JonBenet was
• very worried about her mother and still is. I pray to the dead, as
• do all Catholics. I pray to JonBenet and she speaks to me through
• prayer. It is not anything insane, it is typical Catholicism at
work. I shall pray for Patsy to JonBenet this very night. We must
connect before we lose JonBenet's mother to death. Please help me
• do this.
BELIEVE ME I'M TRYING, OH MY GOOD HOW I'M TRYING.
• • "I am begging you take up this offer - and it is a rare blue moon
• when I beg."
• • You don't have to beg me. I want this so much - for the memory of
• JonBenet to finally be at rest. I do not think I have said anything
• worth anything at all above.
YOU HAVE SAID A LOT.
• I did my best. You have to remember
• that at the end, I was heavily traumatized and have blocked out the
• whole of that night for years. It was not until I talked to you for
• over four years that I recalled anything at all.
WELL I AM YOUR COUNSELOR, AND GOOD COUNSELORS ARE LIKE GOOD THERAPISTS,
THEY FACILITATE BY LISTENING AND THUS ALLOW THINGS BURIED TO COME ONCE MORE
TO THE SURFACE.
• It is easy since I
• am out of the country with no people ever mentioning even the case
• to me. Ten years of a total blackout is a long time. I will be
• sorrier than you could ever know if I have not passed this test
• the test of my life. I do wish it was not the approach taken. I
• recall once exploding almost at one of my attorneys when she asked
me for details about JonBenet and the fact that I had killed her. I
responded, "My relationship with JonBenet is my business. What we
had was private. Our love, our sex, and the tragic death that
• followed was something I shared with JonBenet and I will never
• share it with anyone else." I really felt that way and my attorney
4
0665
> never brought her up again.
IS THIS THE ATTORNEY YOU REFERRED TO EARLIER WHO ASKED YOU IF YOU WERE
INVOLVED IN HER DEATH. DID YOU REALLY TELL HER ABOUT THE SEX WITH
JONBENET, AND ARE YOU SAYING THAT
,'0U HAD SEX WITH JONBENET BEFORE THAT NIGHT? AGAIN, I'M PUZZLED AND
TRYING T UNDERSTAND.
• I have done my best to change that
• stance in the last few weeks but I cannot promise you that I will
• ever be totally open about the details. You ask what words she
• spoke and such things will likely remain my secret and JonBenet's
• secret. Yes, she said words. No, I have not told you any of them
• with the exception of one - "Mom".
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT ELSE SHE SAID.I'M SURE THE RAMSEYS WOULD WANT TO KNOW.
• Please tell the Ramseys I love them and I won't leave their
• daughter.
I'LL COMMUNICATE YOUR THOUGHTS. M
• Daxis
• • Concerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email, no
• account required
• http://www.hushmail.com/send?1=480
• • Get the best prices on SSL certificates from Hushmail
• https://www.hushssl.com?1=485
On May 12, 2006, at 2:53 PM, Bennett, Tom wrote: Mr.
Tracey,
• • Thank you for forwarding the recent E-mail. It is greatly
• appreciated. District Attorney Mary Lacy and Asst DA Bill Nagel
• were provided copies .
• • Tom Bennett
• Chief Investigator
• Boulder DA Office
• 1777 6th Street
• PO Box 471
• Boulder, CO 80306
• 303-441-3811
• Fax: 303-441-4703
• E-mail: Tbennett@co.boulder.co.us
0666
5
Bennett, Tom
tent: Saturday, May 13, 2006 10:16 AM
fo:
Bennett, Tom
Subject:
Re: Thank you
Michael,
I just wrote a lengthy mail that crashed. So frustrating. I will have to
condense my response to you.
I wrote earlier that I am disappointed that John Ramsey is the only person
in control and that his wife Patsy is not aware nor does she have a voice
in this. She is an adult and has a right to know that her daughter's killer
wishes to speak to her. He is not protecting her. I have something to give
to her and she needs it. If he rejects me, he has done so without her even
knowing. This is wrong. I said it with more eloquence prior to the crash of
this computer....
"JUST SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT OUT THERE IN THE ENDLESS DISCUSSION ON THE
INTERNET."
After reading your account of pageant girls always wearing expensive
perfume, what I shared is suddenly cheapened and likened `.o nothing. This
is horribly frustrating to me. This is it, (ichael. I am not going to play
twenty questions. If everything I say is somehow linked to public
knowledge, I am being mocked.
"SOMETHING THAT ONLY THE PERSON WHO TOOK JONBENET'S LFE WOULD KNOW."
I DID provide information that only her killer would know. Furthermore, I
provided information that only a person in close proximity to her, within
inches, would know. But it means nothing.
"YOU CAN TELL I'M NO EXPERT ON PAGEANTS."
And you think I will tell you that I am.... I am not to stupid to know that
the implications of my admitting that would be deep. I will say this: in
all my dealings with little girls, and their have been hundreds, I have
only noticed one or two little girls wearing expensive perfume. It is very
very rare. AND I have worked with little girls who were rich and pretty and
some have been actresses and even pageant girls. I disagree that girls in
pageants wear perfume but this will be the death of my sharing what I
shared. It is useless.
"It reminds me of when he said once, "If you can find the guy who tied
that special knot on the rope that
was tied around JonBenet's neck, you have your man." Well, Michael, there
is an irony in that request. You would not have your man if you found the
person who tied that knot... I will say this: the asphyxia apparatus found
around her neck was NOT the one used luring our love making."
> NOW THIS I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR ELLIPTICAL MODE IS >
RESURFACING.
Please respond to my last two
mails. They were important to me.
1
0667
The Hell it is. I said NOTHING elliptical up there. I stated the truth.
And you still missed the statement, "You would not have your *pan if
you found the person who tied that knot..." That was a deep >ne but
very clearly stated.
"ARE YOU NOW SAYING THAT TWO SETS OF EQUIPMENT WERE USED."
Two sets were present. The one left was much more crude than the one I
created for her and I. Our secret. It was much more delicate.
•
•
YOU MUST KNOW THAT THE COLOUR OF THE MARKINGS LEFT BY THE ROPE
SUGGEST THAT SHE WAS ALIVE WHEN THE ROPE WAS TIGHTENED.
Yes Michael, I know. "Suggest". I love those kind of words. While we
are on the subject of suggestions, I want to confirm that a stun gun
was NEVER used on JonBenet and was NOT present that night. I have NEVER
owned a stun gun. RIP stun gun....
•
•
•
I SYMPATHIZE WITH THE DIFFICULTY OF RESPONDING TO JOHN'S REQUEST.
THE FRAGRANCE, THE RUNNY NOSE MAY WELL DO IT, ALONGSIDE THE
ARTICULATION OF MY OWN JUDGMENT.
May well do it, huh.... That is all I am willing to say. What does that
man have to lose??? This is rediculous.
"I was in pitch dark 98 per cent of the time if not more. Damn it....
I hate this. I did not wear shoes in the upper part of the louse...
•
•
THIS IS AN INTERESTING DETAIL WHICH PUZZLES ME A LITTLE. DO YOU
MEAN WHEN SHE WAS BEING REMOVED FROM THE ROOM? I RECALL THAT THE
CARPET
•
WAS VERY THICK AND THAT NONE OF THE FLOORBOARDS CREAKED AS WOULD
HAPPEN IN MOST HOUSES.
My shoes were removed prior to entering the main part of the house (
that was not the basement). It was to reduce noise and debris or any
indication of a shoe print.
"I can't recall a single thing about their conversation. I can't do
this, Michael. He's fishing for something and I don't know what.
•
SEE ABOVE.
They were not stone quiet when they entered the house. I heard the son
and the parents.
•
I WILL NOW DO THAT. DON'T FORGET THAT YOU HAVE ASKED ME TO BE VERY
y CIRCUMSPECT IN WHAT I SAY, INDEED THAT I SAY NOTHING TO ANYONE.
• YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT I AM DESPERATE
• TO SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE HAD TO SAY WITH THE WHOLE WORLD, BUT I'M
2
0668
• ALSO
• VERY PATIENT WHEN I NEED TO BE. AND TO BE FRANK, IT WOULDN'T MAKE
.hank you for your confidence. You may share this only with John
Ramsey with the understanding that he will not share it with law
enforcement or the media. You must only send it to his known e-mail
address. I would rather you read excerpts to him on the phone.
•
•
•
AND ALSO ABOUT THE WHOLE EVOLUTION OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH
JONBENET. I'VE LONG ASSUMED THAT YOU HAD SOME J
KIND OF TEACHING RELATIONSHIP AND THAT IT GREW FROM THAT.
If I told you that, you could know my last name in no time. I am not
ready to do that.
"IN FACT DIDN'T YOU SAY IN A RECENT MAIL THAT YOU REMEMBERED
WATCHING HER
MAKE CHRISTMAS TRINKETS IN THE CLASSROOM."
I never used the word "watched". She did make Christmas trinkets
prior to Christmas at school.
"I THINK ANYBOOK WOULD WANT TO EXPLORE HOW THE RELATIONSHIP
UNFOLDED TO THE LEVEL OF INTENSITY WHICH CAME TO BE."
It would be beautiful to reveal that to you. It is so special for a
teacher, ME, to have a relationship with my student. It is precious
and wonderful. JonBenet would be no exception to this.
"I'M ASSUMING WE NEVER MET." I
do not recall meeting you.
"DON'T FORGET MY TRAINING AS A RESEARCHER AND WRITER WAS BUILT AROUND
LISTENING. I'M NOT THE STORY, YOU ARE, AND AN UNBELIEVABLY
FASCINATING
ONE AT THAT."
Thank you, Michael. I only wish we would have met on a different
note. I await your response to my idea for a book with you. I have
been lucky to be with some of the most beautiful and interesting
little girls in the world.
"I KNOW YOU ARE EAGER TO DO SO BUT PLEASE BE PATIENT FOR A SHORT
WHIILE LONGER. AS YOU SAY YOU HAVE WAITED TEN YEARS SINCE THAT
NIGHT, AND YOU AND I HAVE BEE
TALKING FOR FOUR YEARS."
I have no faith in connecting with the Ramseys. I will be right in
the end. It will never happen.
•
DONE.IN FACT YOU WILL RECALL THAT I WILL HAVE NO INVOLVEMENT IN
•
•
THE
COMMUNICATION. I WILL MERELY PROVIDE YOU WITH THE DETAILS AND THEN
IT
IS DOWN TO THE THREE OF YOU.
And when will Patsy be part of the equation? There is only the two
3
0669
of us, John and me. That is one of the things that is holding this
up.
BTW, I WANTED TO REITERATE SOMETHING THAT I SAIDTO YOU RECENTLY, AND
> THIS IS THAT I GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE IN A PLACE IN THEIR
•
•
BEEING THAT WILL ALLOW THEM TO FORGIVE. THEY
WILL NEVER FORGET, BUT THEY WILL FORGIVE.
Forgiveness is something I can help them with. It is not for me. It is
for them. I wish to do good works for them. I have no other intentions
or hidden agendas.
I AM ALSO NOW CONVINCED
•
THAT THEY CAN FACE THE WHOLE TRUTH ABOUT THAT NIGHT AND THAT THEY
•
•
DESPERATELY WANT TO DO SO. AND THAT THE TRUTH
IS WITHIN YOUR GIFT TO GRANT.
Thank you for your trust in me. It is my gift to grant and I shall do
so.
"DAVID MILLS AND I COULD HAVE MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS"
'ou could make more with me. However, I want some of that to do
jreat works. Ok? Better respond to that one.
•
YOUR ARE OBVIOUSLY WORTHY OF MY ATTENTION AND THEIRS. BUT
Too bad there is always a but.
I am sorry for the tone of this mail. I had written for almost my
hour and now it is over. The first mail that crashed was much more
sensitive and thoughtful. I must answer the rest of this mail
tomorrow.
Daxis
WHAT WAS
• • ADDED POSTMORTEM APART FROM THE KNICKERS. I'M ASSUMING THAT THE
•
SLEIGHT OF HAND WAS MEANT TO THROW
•
INVESTIGATORS OFF. YOU CERTAINLY MANAGED THAT. I AM HOWEVER
•
PUZZLED
•
BY THE PHRASE RE THE THINGS "FOUND WITH HER BODY."
• • "He knows, and accepts, that I believe your account as related
over
the past several weeks. And as you know he trusts my judgment."
•
And this is so important here. You must think of some of those
4
0670
• things I have said that have convinced you. You have my
• • permission
>> to send excerpts from my letters to John Ramsey only. I would not
• • do this under any other circumstances but this is so important
• • to
•
all of us.
• • I WILL SEND THEM.
• • "I should tell you something, that has not been made public yet,
•
but Patsy's health seems to be deteriorating, if this final
•
conversation, this final closure is to happen it has to happen
•
relatively soon."
• • I am so sorry to hear this but I already knew. I have a
•
spiritual
•
•
connection with JonBenet's mother. it is due to the fact that
JonBenet "took care" of her mother when she was sick. JonBenet
• • was
• very worried about her mother and still is. I pray to the dead, as
•
do all Catholics. I pray to JonBenet and she speaks to me
• • through
•
•
•
•
prayer. It is not anything insane, it is typical Catholicism at
work. I shall pray for Patsy to JonBenet this very night. We
must
connect before we lose JonBenet's mother to death. Please help
• • me
• • do this
• • BELIEVE ME I'M TRYING, OH MY GOOD HOW I'M TRYING.
• • "I am begging you take up this offer - and it is a rare blue
• moon
•
when I beg."
• • You don't have to beg me. I want this so much - for the memory
>
of
•
JonBenet to finally be at rest. I do not think I have said
0671
5
• anything
•
•
worth anything at all above.
YOU HAVE SAID A LOT.
•
I did my best. You have to remember
•
that at the end, I was heavily traumatized and have blocked out
• t• he
•
whole
• • for
•
over four
• THERAPISTS, THEY FACILITATE BY LISTENING AND THUS ALLOW THINGS
• BURIED
• TO COME ONCE MORE TO THE SURFACE.
•
•
It is easy since I
am out of the country with no
• case
•
•
to me. Ten years of a total blackout is a long time. I will be
sorrier than you could ever know if I have not passed this test
• • the test of my life. I do wish it was not the approach taken. I
•
recall once exploding almost at one of my attorneys when she
• asked
•
me for details about JonBenet and the fact that
• • her. I
•
responded, "My relationship with JonBenet is my business. What
• • we
• • had was private. Our love, our sex, and the tragic death that
•
followed was something I shared with JonBenet and I will never
•
share it with anyone else." I really felt that way and my
• attorney
•
never brought her up again.
• • IS THIS THE ATTORNEY YOU REFERRED TO EARLIER WHO ASKED YOU IF YOU
WERE INVOLVED IN HER DEATH. DID YOU REALLY TELL HER ABOUT THE SEX 6
•
of that night
for years. It was not until I talked to you years that I recalled anything
at all.
people ever
mentioning even the
I
had
killed
WELL I AM YOUR COUNSELOR, AND GOOD COUNSELORS ARE LIKE GOOD
0672
• • WITH JONBENET, AND ARE YOU SAYING THAT
•
•
•
•
•
•
YOU HAD SEX WITH JONBENET BEFORE THAT NIGHT? AGAIN, I'M PUZZLED AND
TRYING T UNDERSTAND.
I have done my best to change that
stance in the last few weeks but I cannot promise you that I
w• ill
ever be totally open about the details. You ask what words she
spoke and such things will likely remain my secret and
• • JonBenet's
•
•
secret. Yes, she said words. No, I have not told you any of them
with the exception of one - "Mom".
• • CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT ELSE SHE SAID.I'M SURE THE RAMSEYS WOULD WANT
•
•
•
•
•
TO
KNOW.
Please tell the Ramseys I love them and I won't leave their
daughter.
I• 'LL COMMUNICATE YOUR THOUGHTS. M >
Daxis
• • Concerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email,
•
•
•
no
account required
•
account required
On May 12, 2006, at 2:53 PM, Bennett, Tom wrote:
•
Mr. Tracey,
Thank you for forwarding the recent E-mail. It is greatly
appreciated. District Attorney Mary Lacy and Asst DA Bill Nagel were
provided copies .
• • Tom Bennett
7
0673
• 1777 6th Street
• PO Box 471
303-441-3811
> Fax: 303-441-4703
• E-mail: Tbennett@co.boulder.co.us
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael. Tracey@colorado.edu]
Sent: Saturday, May 13, 2006 12:43 PM
fo:
Bennett, Tom
Subject:
Re: Thank you
Not sure if I sent you this one. Jut in case i didn't here it is. mt
Michael
you wrote me from the school computer and quoted my entire,
very sensitive and private mail just below your sentence. Please,
please, please do not do that especially from a school computer. You can
never tell who is reading the mail on a school computer. I am begging
you to stop doing this. We must be very careful.
Otherwise, thank you for letting me know that you will be in touch
tomorrow. I really appreciate that. It was very thoughtful.
I have been thinking of JonBenet so much today. I see things in my
classroom from time to time that reminds me of her. I think of all the
little things she made for Christmas at school. That thought almost made
me break down today. A little girl making little things for Christmas and
so excited about YET she would die with me that night of Christmas. "What
did you get for Christmas, JonBenet?"
I hope for an answer from you tomorrow. Until then, I will remain
silent.
Daxis
On May 12, 2006, at 2:53 PM, Bennett, Tom wrote:
• Mr. Tracey,
• • Thank you for forwarding the recent E-mail. It is greatly
• appreciated. District Attorney Mary Lacy and Asst DA Bill Nagel
• were provided copies .
• • Tom Bennett
• 1777 6th Street
• PO Box 471
• 303-441-3811
• Fax: 303-441-4703
• E-mail: Tbennett®co.boulder.co.us
1
0675
rage I ci
IV
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [
Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu] Sent:
Sunday, May 14, 2006 10:39 AM To:
Andrew Smit; Bennett, Tom
This is fascinating, re his explanation of the two different pieces of "equipment." One was
used as part of the sex act and was the more "delicate," the other was used to kill her. The
intriguing question which I can't quite get my mind around, which may of course be the
whole point, is his continuing insistence that a) he didn't Tazer her and b) his continuing
misspelling of the word. I'm thinking that i might ask him if he would like to see the autopsy
photos. This will definitely upset him, and I'm trying to avoid saying either that he is liar or
he is delusional. The puzzle is, he's too smart not to know that if my own conclusion is, after
looking at the photos, Lou's analysis, talking to Dobersen and reviewing the scientific
literature that she was stun gunned then there is a very compelling argument that they are
stun gun marks. I conceded in an earlier mail that this has never never been demonstrated
through a physiological analysis of the skin which is how it would be done. That does not
negate the interpretation of the evidence. There are three possibilities: 1) he's right ... in
which case what are they? Where Thomas and Spitz correct, in which case where are the
buttons or snaps that caused them? 2) he's doing his Alice in Wonderland thing and saying
the opposite of what he knows to be the truth. Here is the communication on this from me to
him yesterday:
"YOU MUST KNOW THAT THE COLOUR OF THE MARKINGS LEFT BY THE
ROPE SUGGEST THAT SHE WAS ALIVE WHEN THE ROPE WAS
TIGHTENED.
Yes Michael, I know. "Suggest". I love those kind of words.
While we are on the subject of suggestions, I want to
confirm that a stun
gun was NEVER used on JonBenet and was NOT present that
night. I have NEVER owned a stun gun. RIP stun gun....
Let me be honest, I'm totally baffled by this. One of the things you said a few mails ago was that the
two people involved left at different times. You also indicated that you left first and that the female
left later. You also suggested that, contrary to my assumption, it was the female who was the violent
one. Is it possible that she used the stun gun on JonBenet. I can certainly understand that a stungun
could never be part of your love making with JonBenet since that was intended to be intensely erotic
and pleasurable even if it unfortunately ended in the accident of her death, that their was no intent to
kill her. But did the female think very differently. The more I think about this in light of everything
you have said, it makes sense. I doubt though that even if the woman were arrested, it would never
be a capital case. This is after all the people's republic of Boulder where the death penalty is never
pursued.."
3) he's setting up a defense, because a stun gun is both an instrument of control and of torture ...
there is a literature on this ... and so any jury would be not best pleased that he used a Tazer on her;
4) he really does believe that theirs was a love affair, a scenario within which a Tazer doesn't fit,
and that he really has blocked it out. He has said several times that there are things he can't
remember, an argument which I take to be BS.
The only other point I'd make re the last mail from him was that what he might have ben saying is
that he didn't "see," JonBenet making the Christmas trinkets but that she gave him one, leaving the
obvious question, who did she give presents to in 1996? Do John and Patsy know, her teachers,
Barbara Kostanick?
Just a few thoughts.
0676
5/14/2006
r aec
< vI a V
M Michael,
It is so nice to hear from you. I need to talk to you so bad. You
do realize that I could say so much more and with much better clarity if we were
talking in person. It is unfortunate that I cannot find it in my realm of safety to allow
us to have phone calls. I must clarify something I wrote to you in the letter to the
Ramseys. I can see how it would be misconstrued. By the way, don't forget to respond
to other two mails please.
Thank God, JonBenet's mother has finally been informed. It is important to me that
she has heard my name. I hope John conveyed that to her. I love her so much and I
am so worried about her. I will be so kind to her and take care of her as did
JonBenet. I'll
help her to allow JonBenet to be a good little mommy to her now as she was in life.
Catholics believe that those who cared for us in a certain way in life also do so in the
same way in death. It is unique and so very special. She will get better now. I will
take the toxins from her life that caused her to get ill once more. She will be in good
hands with me. The healing can now begin - Thanks Be to God. I will take that cross
away from her that she has been forced to bear - I will take her cross upon me and
bear the pain that I am worthy to bear. God's Hand has intervened in this matter.
Below is something I must explain to you. You were right in saying I was being
elliptical. I reread my words and can see the confusion building. I am sorry for this
but the letter was written in a passionate moment under stress. My letter yesterday
was written in the same way as well. I will take it piece by piece.
"It reminds me of when he said once, "If you can find the guy who tied that special
knot on the rope that
was tied around JonBenet's neck, you have your man." Well, Michael, there is an irony
in that request. You would not have your man if you found the person who tied that
knot..."
It does not necessarily mean a girl tied that knot. It means I could not tie
another knot like that to save my life. It was tied in the very midst of passion
and sex.
"I will say this: the asphyxia apparatus found around her neck was NOT the one
used during our love making."
That was confusing to you because I did not explain how I perceived the second of the
asphyxia objects. The one left with her was an element of the unthinkable as was the
flashlight because they both led to JonBenet's death. I have a deep resentment for
those two objects - a hate. I destroyed that flashlight in almost ritual
0677
5/14/2006
r ar v ) vi i v
fashion after her death and away from her home. I used two objects of
sexual asphyxia - one more beautifully fashioned object that was used
during our most intimate of love making and the other that was left with
her. The one left with her was used in our love making but it was her
death so; therefore, I do not consider anything but something evil. I
cannot relate to that object of asphyxia as something sacred - used in our
love making. It was her death. I am somehow convinced that if I had not
changed the objects, she might have lived with the first one. Let me
explain that further. I am a very sentimental person. I wanted to keep the
first object of asphyxia so I removed it to take it with me. I then placed
the second object - the killer, which was the one left with her. I wrote it
as, "It was placed there postmortem." Placed means left there. JonBenet
was placed in a resting position which also means she was left there. My
point in all this confusion was to say that I am the only one to know that
there was a primary object of asphyxia - a more delicate and ornamental
object that was taken with me and placed in safe keeping. That was the
magicians sleight of hand. It was easier to manipulate onto her neck
while I kissed her and held her in my arms. I know I tend to confuse you.
I don't mean to. I recall making the statement to you that she was
suspended during love making. I need to clarify with you that I did not
mean she was suspended for all of the love making. You see? It can be
taken two ways. Do you understand now? If not, I will try to clarify any
misunderstandings.
I am sorry that you seem to believe, contrary to what I have
stated, that a stun gun was used on JonBenet. Maybe it is time that you
describe these markings. I might have an explanation for them. Michael,
I do not know anything about the autopsy or what has been published. I
only tell you what I remember which is really not as vivid as you think.
I did not taise JonBenet.
WELL I AM YOUR COUNSELOR, AND GOOD COUNSELORS ARE LIKE GOOD
THERAPISTS, THEY FACILITATE BY LISTENING AND THUS ALLOW THINGS
BURIED TO COME ONCE MORE TO THE SURFACE.
Do you know that I sometimes have to get into an almost self induced
hypnotic state to recall the events directly before the blow to her head
and the events just following the blow to her head? I was traumatized
by the that event because it was a finality and was very violent something I cannot stand to recall. I need
you to be my counselor and my confidant and much more. I need you so
much to help me through all this. I blocked this from my mind for years. I
did not block JonBenet from my mind, only that horrible ending. I am
ashamed of it. I hate myself for it.
IS THIS THE ATTORNEY YOU REFERRED TO EARLIER WHO ASKED YOU IF
0678
5/14/2006
YOU
WERE INVOLVED IN HER DEATH, DID YOU REALLY TELL HER ABOUT THE
SEX
WITH JONBENET,
No. This is another one after I the first one took herself off my case, if
you can call it a case. The second one was also female but had a lot of
respect for me and my relationship with JonBenet. She was sweet to me
and very pretty and young. I confided in her that I was going to flee the
country. She gave me her blessings.
"AND ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU HAD SEX WITH JONBENET BEFORE THAT
NIGHT? AGAIN, I'M PUZZLED AND TRYING T UNDERSTAND."
I am not ready to divulge any connection I had with JonBenet prior to
that night. I'm sorry, Michael. I will just say that everything about my
relationship with JonBenet was beautiful.
TO
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT ELSE SHE SAID.I'M SURE THE RAMSEYS WOULD WANT
KNOW.
I want to tell you so bad but I just can't do it right now. It is
just too close to my heart. As some might say, you wouldn't believe it if
I told you. You realize that if she did not fight and if she
was awake, that would mean she cooperated - that it was mutual. Not
even the Ramseys would be prepared for that.
"Please tell the Ramseys I love them and I won't leave their
daughter."
I'LL COMMUNICATE YOUR THOUGHTS. M
Please don't just communicate my thoughts. Those exact words are
what I want them to hear. Maybe soon, I will say it to them
personally. Thank you again, Michael.
"Here is what I am going to do, I will talk with John tomorrow or
Monday,and say that arrangements have to be put in place asap. He
will agree i assure you."
As long as JonBenet's mother holds on, I can be patient. I don't
0679
5/14/2006
L
ur,1, ., va av
think we should pressure them now. Let it happen naturally.
"Can you try and recall your words. I would very much like to hear them."
I can flow with words for JonBenet's mother. I run them through my head almost
daily. There is an indelible outline etched in my mind of what I will convey to
JonBenet's mother. This is not about my proving myself the killer or even discussing
the events of that night. It is about healing for the Ramseys. I can provide that with
eloquence.
"I am not mocking you. You know me well enough now too know that I
have a naturally inquisitive mind. Always did always will. I have zero doubt that
she did have a distinct fragrance, more adult than
childlike. I wonder if Patsy can recall what it was. In fact, since
all the contents of the house were removed to Atlanta, apart from stuff the cops
took, I would bet that the bottle of fragrance is in
storage somewhere. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were able to
experience the scent again. That would be one of the great
Proustian moments of contemporary history."
I know the deeper meaning of the fragrance. Only JonBenet's mother will know the
meaning. It has nothing to do with pageants. I assure of that. There might be a
possibility that she still has that bottle but much of one after ten years.... Understand
Michael? The proof is reciprocal now. Only JonBenet's mother will understand it and
that it what makes it so perfect - like JonBenet was so perfect Can I imagine smelling
that aroma once more? It would not be the same as perfume has an individual
chemical reaction with a particular person's skin. She smelled beyound sexy.
"You are wrong, it means everything. One of the things that is so remarkable
about the description of the runny nose is precisely that
it is such a basic, earthy detail. And yes of course you would have
needed to be very close to her to see it ... your description of its eroticism is
also to say the least interesting."
I am pleased that you understand how special this detail of her runny nose was.
God I loved her - everything about her little body I wanted to drink.
0680
5/14/2006
rar,cv
V1 .V
house
or
My shoes were removed prior to entering the main part of the ( that was not the
basement). It was to reduce noise and debris any indication of a shoe print.
"Do you mean that this was before the Ramseys came home, or after they
were in bed?"
I removed my shoes when entering the main part of the house at all times.
All I can say is that I will wait until you are ready.
"I stand corrected. But there must have obviously been a way in which
you knew this. Of course, how stupid of me, she gave you one! That
must be a truly precious possession."
I am not going to comment on this now. Your sentiments are appreciated.
It would be beautiful to reveal that to you. It is so special for
a
teacher, ME, to have a relationship with my student. It is precious
and wonderful. JonBenet would be no exception to this. "Let's try and
do this"
We will. It is important. I am glad you brought it up.
I have run out of time again. I will finish my response to this tomorrow. Thank you so
much for the excellent news that JonBenet's mother has finally been told of me. It
pleases me to no end. How did you find that out? Thank you, Michael,
0681
5/14/2006
4 Cir,V I v• l v
Daxis
"I'M ASSUMING WE NEVER MET." I do not recall meeting you.
Which of course is not the same thing as saying that we didn't meet.
It really doesn't matter since we seem to have this other more powerful connection that was intended
to be.
"DON'T FORGET MY TRAINING AS A RESEARCHER AND WRITER WAS BUILT
AROUND LISTENING. I'M NOT THE STORY, YOU ARE, AND AN
UNBELIEVABLY
have
in
FASCINATING ONE
AT THAT."
Thank you, Michael. I only wish we would have met on a different note, I
await your response to my idea for a book with you. I
been lucky to be with some of the most beautiful and interesting little
girls in the world.
"I KNOW YOU ARE EAGER TO DO SO BUT PLEASE BE PATIENT FOR A SHORT
WHIILE LONGER. AS YOU SAY YOU HAVE WAITED TEN YEARS SINCE THAT NIGHT,
AND YOU AND I HAVE BEE
TALKING FOR FOUR YEARS."
I have no faith in connecting with the Ramseys. I will be right the
end. It will never happen.
Yes it will, believe me. I am totally confident of this, and my only
regret to be honest is that I wont be privy to the conversation.
0682
5/14/2006
THEN
DONE.IN FACT YOU WILL RECALL THAT I WILL HAVE NO
INVOLVEMENT IN
THE
COMMUNICATION. I WILL MERELY PROVIDE YOU WITH THE DETAILS
AND
IT
IS DOWN TO THE THREE OF YOU.
two
this
And when will Patsy be part of the equation? There is only the of us, John and
me. That is one of the things that is holding up.
See above
THEIR
BTW, I WANTED TO REITERATE SOMETHING THAT I SAIDTO YOU RECENTLY,
AND
THIS IS THAT I GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE IN A PLACE IN
0683
5/14/2006
I RSV ' va a v
It
BEEING THAT WILL ALLOW THEM TO FORGIVE. THEY WILL
NEVER FORGET, BUT THEY WILL FORGIVE.
Forgiveness is something I can help them with. It is not for me.
is for them. I wish to do good works for them. I have no other intentions
or hidden agendas.
I AM ALSO NOW CONVINCED
THEY
THAT THEY CAN FACE THE WHOLE TRUTH ABOUT THAT NIGHT AND THAT
DESPERATELY WANT TO DO SO. AND THAT THE TRUTH IS WITHIN
YOUR GIFT TO GRANT.
shall
Thank you for your trust in me. It is my gift to grant and I do so.
and that will be soon. What a relief it will be for everyone, that peace of
closure.
0684
5/14/2006
rab't. 1V 14 iV
"DAVID MILLS AND I COULD HAVE MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS"
You could make more with me. However, I want some of that to
do great works. Ok? Better respond to that one.
Ok, but what great works do you have in mind?
YOUR ARE OBVIOUSLY WORTHY OF MY ATTENTION AND
THEIRS. BUT
more
Too bad there is always a but.
I am sorry for the tone of this mail. I had written for almost my
hour and now it is over. The first mail that crashed was much
sensitive and thoughtful. I must answer the rest of this mail
tomorrow.
I look forward to hearing from you, and please don't worry
about the
tone, you are under immense stress.
M
Daxis
required http://www.hushmail.com/send?1=480
Get the best prices on SSL certificates from
Hushmail https://www.hushssl.com?1=485
0685
5/14/2006
r agc 1 us -r
Bennett, Tom
Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu] Sent:
Tuesday, May 16, 2006 11:14 AM To:
Andrew Smit; Bennett, Tom
I had 7 emails from him today. He's going nuts. This is a new one. The others were one's he
said I hadn't responded to. I will do that later today. The stun gun issue remains confusing.
BTW, a lot of the stuff I say to him is BS. The point about my dad is true and obviously, to
me, very private. m
This is mail 5 - my reponse to a few things you wrote
today... Michael,
"THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TOLD ME LEAVES ME IN A
PLACE THAT IS DIFFICULT, PAINFUL"
It was on my mind vividly a few days ago but it has
dissipated in light of your lack of response coupled with
the fact that the Ramseys refuse to talk to me.
"THE STUN GUN ISSUE INFURIATES YOU. I AM TOTALLY OPEN TO YOUR
EXPLAINING THE MARKS ON HER BODY, OR PERHAPS EXPLAINING WHY
YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THEM."
You will have to explain the marks in detail. I would
assume they would be like bruises in that they appeared a
span of time after they were inflicted.
"AND THAT WOULD BE FINE. AS I HAVE SAID TO YOU MANY TIMES, I SIMPLY
WANT TO UNDERSTAND AND I SAID SOME TIME AGO THAT THE ONLY
PERSON WHO
CAN HELP ME DO THAT IS YOU."
Thank you for trusting me. It means a lot.
"NOT LOU SMIT. CERTAINLY NOT THE COPS""
Thank you for finally coming to that conclusion. Unlike
Smit, I will not ask for money from the Ramseys.
"THE COPS WHO BY THE WAY AGREE WITH YOU THAT THERE WAS NO
STUN GUN."
That might be one of the only things they have said that
I agree with though I had no idea they had said this at
all.
"THE ONE THING I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW, HOWEVER, AND WE
HAVE
0686
5/16/2006
1 "r", i. v i -r
DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE, IS WHAT SHE SAID. I REALIZE THAT THOSE WORDS
ARE PRECIOUS TO YOU BECAUSE I SUSPECT THEY REMIND YOU OF HER FEELING
FOR YOU. IT'S LIKE GIVING UP A PART OF YOUR HEART. SO
PLEASE FORGIVE MY REQUEST, BUT IT IS A REQUEST AND I KNOW THAT YOU
KNOW IT IS A
HEARTFELT ONE."
Thank you for your sensitivity. It means a lot to me. It is very personal
and will change quite a bit about the entire atmosphere of that night. I
have yet to describe all the events and the sequence of those events that
led up to her death. You surely know that it was not just a matter of my
going to her room; taking her from her bed; taking her into the
basement; going through a few sexual acts and then her death occurred.
That leaves out a lot. I don't believe you would believe it if I told you
what she said. It is beyound belief. I will tell you that we shared
intimate romantic moments that were not a part of asphyxia or the
event just before her death. I will never tell her parents what she said.
They would not understand. I do not believe you will understand. And
it is very intimate to me.
"PS. RE SOMETHING EARLIER. MY DAD DIED IN A PLANE CRASH WHEN HE WAS
SERVING IN THE RAF. MY FAMILY NEVER DISCUSSED IT, EVER, WITH ME. NO
PHOTOS, NOTHING. IT WAS LIKE HE DIDN'T EXIST. TRY THAT FOR A
FEELING."
I am sorry to hear this. You did not have closure. The Ramseys must not
want closure. Maybe Mrs. Ramsey is just too sick. I tend to think they
are just backing out. I do wish they would not discuss this with their
circle of friends and relatives. If this is what is going on, I will never
hear from them. They will be so confused. I am confused that you told
me that you were going to convey excerpts of my mails to John Ramsey
to convince him further. You said you were going to do this on Sunday
and definitely Monday. I have heard nothing more from you about this.
Somehow, I don't believe you anymore.
WHY WOULD I NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE INTERNET ACCESS? I
was upset that day and had a right to be.
"I UNDERSTAND. YOU WROTE IT. QUITE BRILLIANT REALLY. CAN YOU
IMAGINE
THE COUNTLESS HOURS, MILLIONS, THAT HAVE GONE IN TO TRYING TO
DECIPHER IT. IT IS THE DA VINCI CODE TO THE POWER OF TEN. BUT EVEN I
0687
5/16/2006
rag
V J v1 -r
CAN'T RESIST, WHAT THE HELL DOES "SBTC," MEAN. AMAZING."
I appreciate that you equated my words sent to you over the years
as brilliant and called it the Da Vinci Code to the power of ten. Concerning
the ransom note, as Lewis Carroll always said when asked if there was a
deeper meaning to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, he would always
reply, "It was just total nonsense."
I know what I said. The Hell with it. She was there. Damn it,
Michael.
THANK YOU FOR THE CLARIFICATION. I'D ASK YOU WHO SHE IS, BUT THAT
WOULD BE SILLY WOULDN'T IT? THE QUESTION I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO ASK,
AGAIN, IS WHETHER SHE WAS THE VIOLENT ONE.
I was upset when I wrote that. I will not confirm that statement
anymore.
"OK. BUT I NEED TO SIT OUTSIDE ON MY DECK AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND
THIS.
ONE OBVIOUS QUESTION IS, IF YOU HAD NOTHING AGAINST JOHN THE MAN
WHAT
WAS THE NOTE ABOUT? OR WAS IT REALLY, AS YOU HAVE SAID, A BRILLIANT
DISTRACTION."
I have told you over and over that it was a brilliant destraction - a
magician's sleight of hand. There were several elements to that
sleight of hand.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT TO TRIP YOU UP - WHY TRY - JUST TO
CLARIFY.
Oh, ok. Then forget that lie comment I made.
DONE
That was sarcasm, Michael. I did not admit to any lie about my
family.
"I WISH I'D HAD A FATHER TO LOVE. THE GREAT EMPTINESS IN MY HEART
AND LIFE, THOUGH I DID LEARN FROM IT."
I wish you had too.
0688
5/16/2006
rdgv •t vi -r
Sorry I misspelled a word. Very insulting Michael.
I APOLOGIZE, BUT IN A BITCHY MOMENT I COULDN'T RESIST.
It would be nice if you would not do that again, please. No need to be bitchy
with me.
"AU REVOIR, BON SOIRE (I'M NOT SURE THAT SPELLING IS CORRECT BUT, RIGHT
NOW, FUCK IT, IT'S KINDA FRENCH.)"
It is actually bonsoir but I have no desire to correct your spelling. You can
feel comfortable to spell things as you please. I have too much respect for
you and for the seriousness of the subject matter to focus on incorrect
spelling.
Thank you so much for being there for me. I wish you would respond to my
mails but I have much doubt that you will be able to give these 5 very important
mails the justice they deserve. Some of those unanswered mails contained such
intimate moments. It is ok.... It is, however frustrating. I think you were
distracted by your computer crash and by the mails we shared about the Ramsey
contact. I am thoroughly depressed about their lack of contact. It is so
disappointing to me. Sometimes I feel all that I have shared here will be lost...
Daxis
Concerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email, no account required
0689
5/16/2006
Horita, Andy
From: Rod GILES [Rod.GiIes@rcmp-grc.gc.ca]
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:24 PM
To:
Horita, Andy
Subject:
Hushmail Enquiry
Andy,
I spoke with the Hushmail lawyer, Steve YOUNGMAN, yesterday. FYI, the
best contact number for YOUNGMAN is 604-893-8699.
With respect to the account in question, YOUNGMAN advised the
following:
(1) The account is active (created
September, 2005) (2) The account is
non-premium (free ; basic service) (3)
No IP Address logs are available, to
date.
YOUNGMAN also advised me of the following:
(A) There is no user registration information available for the account,
as it is not a 'premium' account.
(B) IP Addresses could be logged, with the appropriate judicial
authorization.
(C) A significant amount of e-mail message content exists, with the most
recent message having been sent on the day of my enquiry (May 17, 2006).
YOUNGMAN has taken a 'snapshot' of the data associated to the
suspect account, thereby preserving/archiving it until such time there is
a Court Order to release that data to law enforcement.
Unless there is a Canadian connection to your homicide (besides the
fact that the Hushmail servers are located here), you will have to pursue
an MLAT. I wish I could do something to expedite your request, however,
without a crime having been committed in Canada, I would not be able to
back a US-authorized search warrant.
Could you please provide me with your case number, so that I may
add it to our assistance file.
Please keep me updated. Our assistance file will remain open, in
the meantime. Thanks, and take care.
Cst. Rod GILES
Tech Crime Investigator
Vancouver Integrated
Technological Crime Unit Royal
Canadian Mounted Police 13130
76th Avenue
Surrey, BC
V3W 2V6
(604) 598-4083 ( DIRECT 1
(604) 598-4016 I. FAX ]
E-mail: rod. gileB@rcmp-grc.gc. ca
This message may contain confidential or privileged material. Any use
of this information by anyone other than the intended recipient
is prohibited. If you have received this message in error,
please immediately reply to the sender and delete this
information from your computer. Thank you.
0690
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu)
Sent: Friday, May 19, 2006 11:04 AM
To:
Subject:
Spam: his letter to Patsy
I haven't yet replied to this. His language is becoming ever more pious,
which he's used before but not to this extent. I'm thinking of saying in
my reply something along the lines of: " OK, I will cut and past the
letter and get it to her. I have to tell you that I suspect that she will
reply by saying '...if you want to help me then confess publicly. You know
that for ten years I have been living with the knowledge that countless
numbers of people hate me because they believe I killed my child. You know
I didn't, because, unless your letter is a cruel hoax, you are telling me
that you were involved in her death...' etc, etc." ie. she takes a hard
line with him, which she perhaps should.
Any thoughts, suggestions?
Michael,
Thank you so much for all the effort you put into answering my mails.
You missed mail 2. I will certainly answer your mails but I think I need
to focus now on Mrs. Ramsey, in light of what you told me. I am worried
to death about her. I am so afraid we will lose her before she even has
a chance to read anything of my feelings and thoughts about JonBenet. I
think this will be so important to her. I know it will be one of the
most important contacts she will ever make. We must deviate from any
plans that will further delay this.
This will be the only time I will send a message to Mrs. Ramsey through
you. I really want the Ramsey's actual e-mail addresses. You have John
Ramsey's actual e-mail address. I think I deserve the same. I also want
their home number even if it includes both Charlevoix and Atlanta. The
purpose of this is a permanent connection with them over the years. I
might not be able to call them now but I might have a chance to call
them later and need a fixed and permanent number or numbers. I need the
same with e-mail contact. This should not be a one shot deal.
Although this breaks with the original deal to keep ALL of the
correspondences between the Ramseys and me, we might be running out of
time. I have patiently waited for an e-mail address from them. Michael,
what if she dies and never gets to see a single thing from me? How would
you all feel? I think it is critical that she at least gets this letter
of introduction.
Remember, this is only a letter of introduction that might suffice if
something dreadful happens to Mrs. Ramsey. It would at least give John
the satisfaction that he did not prevent her from having contact with
JonBenet's killer prior to her death. It will give me the satisfaction
that I did not give up and that I did my best to just "touch" Mrs.
Ramsey with my words about her daughter.
Will you please send this to John Ramsey's e-mail account. Please ask
him to print it out and give it to her. This mail will not ,Lpset her.
It will bring her peace. It should not be considered my last mail nor
is it comprehensive. It is an introduction and the best thing I can do,
WE can do, in case she loses her battle with this cancer. You have my
permission to read this letter to her
1
0691
only. Please ONLY send the letter below and NOT this letter I am writing
to you. Please copy the letter to Mrs. Ramsey below into another mail. I
am worried that the format will get garbled in all the copying and pasting
into another a-mail. This is not the ideal way to do this. Please make
sure it is neatly pasted into the mail :hat you will send to John. Do NOT
forward this mail as it will leave hash marks. I really need their e-mail
address.... Thank you for your help. The letter follows:
Dear Mrs. Ramsey,
I am so sorry that you are sick. It breaks my heart to know that you are so
ill after winning the battle years ago. We had all hoped you would never be
sick again. I pray for you every day. I send you my love and my prayers for
all times. You can find comfort in knowing that you are strong - a fighter
who has won this battle in the past and will win it again. So many are
praying for you. So many of us love you and want you to be well again.
Mrs. Ramsey, my name is Daxis. I knew your little girl, JonBenet. I loved
her very much. I feel strongly that I can reveal much to you about her last
night of life. Mrs. Ramsey, I was with her when she died. Her death has
destroyed me and has left me in the deepest depths of sorrow. I know the
pain and grief you have endured over the years. The events of that night
are not what they seem to be. I believe I can relieve your suffering over
the loss of your daughter. I would like to do that for you, Mrs. Ramsey. I
would like to be given the chance to ease your mind and help mend your
broken heart. I grieve without cease over her death. I cannot begin to know
what you are going through but I do grieve for the same child. We have more
in common than you might know. We loved the same little girl. We grieve
over the loss of the same wonderful child. Oh please, Mrs. Ramsey, give me
the chance to share what iappened to her and to lift this darkness and
confusion over the events of that night. If I could say but one word that
would give you a small amount of peace, it would be worth it all.
We can walk through that valley of sorrow together. I believe that a
healing can begin. Though I would never be so selfish as to ask for your
forgiveness, I believe it would lighten this heavy load that you are
carrying. I would want this only for you. Even if you have forgiven, you
have never been given the chance to focus that forgiveness on an actual
person who has come before you as I have now - with a new understanding of
who I am and what happened on the night I was with your little girl. And if
you have not found it in your heart to forgive, I believe I can make this
easier for you. I know that you have carried a heavy cross for almost ten
years. I believe I can lift that cross from you. I will take that cross
upon me and bear the pain that I so deserve.
I believe God's Hand has intervened in this matter. I believe it is time
for closure. I will never receive closure but you can - I will make sure of
that. I will make every effort to help you through this. We cannot know
today what tomorrow will bring. I pray that tomorrow will bring you good
health. I further pray that you will give me a chance to help you find
peace at last; to find rest after years of struggling with the horrible
thoughts of your little girl's last moments. I want your body to heal from
this illness and I want your heart to follow in that healing. I want to
give you peace through any words I might be able to say to you.
God Bless you, Mrs. Ramsey. My love and prayers are with you in
his time of illness. Let us love your wonderful little girl together. Let
me take on your pain and bear this heavy cross. I pray that you will find
it in your heart to permit me to do this for you. I come to you with
unreal respect and admiration. You are
2
0692
the mother of the most wonderful little girl I have ever known - a little
girl I love past all others. You were and will always be JonBenet's
precious mommy and for that I shall always esteem you and admire you and
give what I can give to you that will bring you ultimate peace.
Daxis
account required
3
0693
About the Mozilla Foundation
1
"6%'
LV
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.eduj Sent:
Friday, May 19, 2006 11:16
AM
To:
Bennett, Tom; Andrew Smit Subject: About the Mozilla Foundation
Mozilla
•
About
•
Developers
•
Store
•
Support
•
Products
Established in July 2003 with start-up support from America Online's Netscape
division, the Mozilla Foundation exists to provide organizational, legal, and financial
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incorporated as a California not-forprofit corporation to ensure that the Mozilla
project continues to exist beyond the participation of individual volunteers, to enable
contributions of intellectual property and funds and to provide a vehicle for limiting
legal exposure while participating in opensource software projects.
Please consider supporting the Mozilla Foundation by making a
contribution.
We thank the hundreds of individuals and organizations who have already
made a donation.
Read the
July 15, 2003, announcement about
the creation of the Mozilla
Foundation. Mozilla Foundation Board of Directors:
•
Mitch Kapor, Chair
•
Mitchell Baker
•
Brian Behlendorf
•
Brendan Eich
•
Joi Ito
0694
5/19/2006
1ar'%.' 4vah.
Mozilla Foundation staff:
•
Frank Hecker, Executive Director Gervase Markham
•
Zak Greant
The Mozilla Foundation is a California non-profit corporation exempt from federal
income taxation under IRC 501(c)3. Donations are tax deductible.
•
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•
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•
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Portions of this content are © 1998-2006 by individual mozilla.org contributors;
content available under a Creative Commons license I Details.
Last modified May 17, 2006 Document History Edit this Page (or
via CVS)
0695
5/19/2006
Bennett, Tom
From:
'ent: Friday, May 19, 2006 8:51 PM
.`o:
Bennett, Tom
Subject:
my reply, including a touch of the Bard!
On May 19, 2006, at 5:22 AM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
• • Thank you so much for all the effort you put into answering my
• mails. You missed mail 2.
You don't miss things do you. I was sure that I had answered all your
mails, but you are right, I missed 2.
• I will certainly answer your mails but I
• think I need to focus now on Mrs. Ramsey, in light of what you told
• me. I am worried to death about her.
To be honest so am i and certainly if you wish to communicate with her my
strong sense is that there may not be a lot of time. The thing that amazes
me about Patsy is that she is still here. If you remember the first
documentary, we used some home video footage from Christmas morning in what
was probably 1994, or 1995. Patsy is in it, and looks terrible. Last year
she was so bad that I was told, this would be around August, that her days
were numbered. Yet she pulled through. At the very least it confirms your
view that the Paugh girls are tough. This time though I suspect that she
may be beyond saving. It is is bad, really bad.
• I am so afraid we will lose
her before she even has a chance to read anything of my feelings
• and thoughts about JonBenet. I think this will be so important to
• her. I know it will be one of the most important contacts she will
• ever make. We must deviate from any plans that will further delay
• this.
• • This will be the only time I will send a message to Mrs. Ramsey
• through you. I really want the Ramsey's actual e-mail addresses.
• You have John Ramsey's actual e-mail address. I think I deserve the
• same. I also want their home number even if it includes both
• Charlevoix and Atlanta. The purpose of this is a permanent
• connection with them over the years. I might not be able to call
• them now but I might have a chance to call them later and need a
• fixed and permanent number or numbers. I need the same with e-mail
• contact. This should not be a one shot deal.
• • Although this breaks with the original deal to keep ALL of the
• correspondences between the Ramseys and me, we might be running out
• of time. I have patiently waited for an e-mail address from them.
• Michael, what if she dies and never gets to see a single thing from
• me? How would you all feel? I think it is critical that she at
• least gets this letter of introduction.
I would feel terrible if she never got the chance to communicate with you.
Not everything is within my control, but I will cut and paste the letter as
you request. I have to tell you a number of things: she will be utterly
appreciative of your letter if slightly, initially, baffled by the fact
that after all this time you have come forward;
he will be compassionate and understanding... if you are about to meet
your Maker why not be; but if you were to speak to her, or she were to
email, she would I suspect say to you something to the effect of, "..if you
want to help me before I pass, then confess publicly.
i
0696
You know that for ten years I have been living with the knowledge that
countless numbers of people hate me because they believe I killed my
child. You know I didn't because, unless your letter is a cruel hoax on a
dying woman, you are telling me that you were 'involved in JonBenet's
death. If you really loved JonBenet and
reasured her, her memory, and if you care for me you will stand up and
let everyone, the whole world know your story, know who you are, know who
Daxis is. That is vital to me. "
I could be wrong but I don't think so. We shall see.
• • Remember, this is only a letter of introduction that might suffice
• if something dreadful happens to Mrs. Ramsey. It would at least
• give John the satisfaction that he did not prevent her from having
• contact with JonBenet's killer prior to her death. It will give me
• the satisfaction that I did not give up and that I did my best to
• just "touch" Mrs. Ramsey with my words about her daughter.
I have read the message to Patsy and you are correct, it is very
proper and restrained while also being very frank. You are to be
applauded for that. That was brave of you
•
•
•
•
Will you please send this to John Ramsey's e-mail account. Please
ask him to print it out and give it to her. This mail will not
upset her. It will bring her peace. It should not be considered my
last mail nor is it comprehensive. It is an introduction and the
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
best thing I can do, WE can do, in case she loses her battle with
this cancer. You have my permission to read this letter to her
only. Please ONLY send the letter below and NOT this letter I am
writing to you. Please copy the letter to Mrs. Ramsey below into
another mail. I am worried that the format will get garbled in all
the copying and pasting into another e-mail. This is not the ideal
way to do this. Please make sure it is neatly pasted into the mail
that you will send to John. Do NOT forward this mail as it will
leave hash marks. I really need their e-mail address.... Thank you
for your help.
I am only too pleased to help in whatever way I can. As I have said to you
on a number of occasions, she needs closure. She needs to know what
happened and why and she needs the world to know that she did not harm her
child. The former though, as you know, is infinitely more important than
the latter. For some strange reason, as I was writing this, I had a
strange, inexplicable flash back. When I was at school in England, when I
was quite young, we studied Shakespeare. One of our "treats," was to go to
see productions of the plays at a drama company in Manchester. One of the
plays we went to see was The Tempest. One of the moat formative experiences
of my life, one that I have never forgotten, one that lurks in the folds of
memory, is where at the end Prospero turns to face the audience and says:
" As you from crimes would pardoned be, let your indulgence set me free. "
It occurs to me, and I really hope this doesn't sound like professorial
bullshit, that you and Patsy have it within your gift to set each other
free. Closure. Amazing. C'est vrai?
•
The letter follows:
• • Dear Mrs. Ramsey,
• • I am so sorry that you are sick. it breaks my heart to know that
• you are so ill after winning the battle years ago. We had all hoped
• you would never be sick again. I pray for you every day. I send you
• my love and my prayers for all times. You can find comfort in
knowing that you are strong - a fighter who has won this battle in
• the past and will win it again. So many are praying for you. So
• many of us love you and want you to be well again.
2
0697
• Mrs. Ramsey, my name is Daxis. I knew your little girl, JonBenet. I
• loved her very much. I feel strongly that I can reveal much to you
• about her last night of life. Mrs. Ramsey, I was with her when she
• died. Her death has destroyed me and has left me in the deepest
• depths of sorrow. I know the pain and grief you have endured over
the years. The events of that night are not what they seem to be. I
• believe I can relieve your suffering over the loss of your
• daughter. I would like to do that for you, Mrs. Ramsey. I would
• like to be given the chance to ease your mind and help mend your
• broken heart. I grieve without cease over her death. I cannot begin
• to know what you are going through but I do grieve for the same
• child. We have more in common than you might know. We loved the
• same little girl. We grieve over the loss of the same wonderful
• child. Oh please, Mrs. Ramsey, give me the chance to share what
• happened to her and to lift this darkness and confusion over the
• events of that night. If I could say but one word that would give
• you a small amount of peace, it would be worth it all.
• • We can walk through that valley of sorrow together. I believe that
• a healing can begin. Though I would never be so selfish as to ask
• for your forgiveness, I believe it would lighten this heavy load
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
that you are carrying. I would want this only for you. Even if you
have forgiven, you have never been given the chance to focus that
forgiveness on an actual person who has come before you as I have
now - with a new understanding of who I am and what happened on the
night I was with your little girl. And if you have not found it in
your heart to forgive, I believe I can make this easier for you. I
know that you have carried a heavy cross for almost ten years. I
believe I can lift that cross from you. I will take that cross upon
me and bear the pain that I so deserve.
• • I believe God's Hand has intervened in this matter. I believe it is
• time for closure. I will never receive closure but you can - I will
• make sure of that. I will make every effort to help you through
this. We cannot know today what tomorrow will bring. I pray that
• tomorrow will bring you good health. I further pray that you will
• give me a chance to help you find peace at last; to find rest after
• years of struggling with the horrible thoughts of your little
• girl's last moments. I want your body to heal from this illness and
• I want your heart to follow in that healing. I want to give you
• peace through any words I might be able to say to you.
• • God Bless you, Mrs. Ramsey. My love and prayers are with you in
• this time of illness. Let us love your wonderful little girl
• together. Let me take on your pain and bear this heavy cross. I
• pray that you will find it in your heart to permit me to do this
• for you. I come to you with unreal respect and admiration. You are
• the mother of the most wonderful little girl I have ever known - a
• little girl I love past all others. You were and will always be
• JonBenet's precious mommy and for that I shall always esteem you
• and admire you and give what I can give to you that will bring you
• ultimate peace.
And you and I know that will bring her peace is the answer to two
questions: why? and did she suffer? m
• • Daxis
• • Concerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email,
5
• Get the best prices on SSL certificates from Hushmail
no
3
0698
4
0699
Bennett, Tom
I
prom:
ant:
Friday, May 19, 2006 6:01 PM
o:
Bennett, Tom
Subject:
Re: Spam: his letter to Patsy
Tom, thanks for this. I'll add your suggestion in my response to him.
That's also excellent news about the landline. Michael On May 19, 2006,
at 4:42 PM, Bennett, Tom wrote:
•
Michael,
• • Thank you for your E-mails today.
• • Yes, I agree with your assessment on your response to his latest E
• mail. Perhaps the response you prepare to send to Daxis should
• include you mentioning to him that Patsy might also mention if he
• really loved JonBenet and treasured her, he needs to stand up and
• let everyone see him, know him and his story. Now is the time. This
• is vital to me..."
>
• Also, the secured landline was installed at the Ramsey home by the
• Roswell Police Department today. he land line will be operational
• by Monday, Tuesday at the latest. We are still working with our
• clinical psychologist for dialogue for Patsy. A phone number will
• be assigned to the land line by the area's telephone company on
• Monday.
>
• Do Not mention this information to Daxis.
Tom
• • -----original Message
> From: Michael Tracey (mailto:Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
• Sent: Friday, May 19, 2006 11:04 AM
• To: Bennett, Tom; Andrew Smit
• Subject: Spam: his letter to Patsy
• • I haven't yet replied to this. His language is becoming ever more
• pious, which he's used before but not to this extent. I'm thinking of
• saying in my reply something along the lines of: " OK, I will cut and
• past the letter and get it to her. I have to tell you that I suspect
• that she will reply by saying '...if you want to help me then confess
• publicly. You know that for ten years I have been living with the
• knowledge that countless numbers of people hate me because they
• believe I killed my child. You know I didn't, because, unless your
• letter is a cruel hoax, you are telling me that you were involved in
• her death...' etc, etc." ie. she takes a hard line with him, which
• she perhaps should.
• Any thoughts, suggestions?
• • Michael,
• • Thank you so much for all the effort you put into answering my
• mails. You missed mail 2. I will certainly answer your mails but I
• think I need to focus now on Mrs. Ramsey, in light of what you told
me. I am worried to death about her. I am so afraid we will lose
her before she even has a chance to read anything of my feelings
• and thoughts about JonBenet. I think this will be so important to
• her. I know it will be one of the most important contacts she will
1
0700
• ever make. We must deviate from any plans that will further delay
• this.
• • This will be the only time I will send a message to Mrs. Ramsey
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
through you. I really want the Ramsey's actual e-mail addresses
You have John Ramsey's actual e-mail address. I think I deserve the
same. I also want their home number even if it includes both
Charlevoix and Atlanta. The purpose of this is a permanent
connection with them over the years. I might not be able to call
them now but I might have a chance to call them later and need a
fixed and permanent number or numbers. I need the same with e-mail
contact. This should not be a one shot deal.
• • Although this breaks with the original deal to keep ALL of the
• correspondences between the Ramseys and me, we might be running out
• of time. I have patiently waited for an e-mail address from them.
• Michael, what if she dies and never gets to see a single thing from
• me? How would you all feel? I think it is critical that she at
• least gets this letter of introduction.
• • Remember, this is only a letter of introduction that might suffice
• if something dreadful happens to Mrs. Ramsey. It would at least
• give John the satisfaction that he did not prevent her from having
• contact with JonBenet's killer prior to her death. It will give me
• the satisfaction that I did not give up and that I did my best to
• just "touch" Mrs. Ramsey with my words about her daughter.
• • Will you please send this to John Ramsey's e-mail account. Please
• ask him to print it out and give it to her. This mail will not
• upset her. It will bring her peace. It should not be considered my
• last mail nor is it comprehensive. It is an introduction and the
• best thing I can do, WE can do, in case she loses her battle with
• this cancer. You have my permission to read this letter to her
• only. Please ONLY send the letter below and NOT this letter I am
writing to you. Please copy the letter to Mrs. Ramsey below into
• another mail. I am worried that the format will get garbled in all
• the copying and pasting into another e-mail. This is not the ideal
• way to do this. Please make sure it is neatly pasted into the mail
• that you will send to John. Do NOT forward this mail as it will
• leave hash marks. I really need their e-mail address.... Thank you
• for your help. The letter follows:
• • Dear Mrs. Ramsey,
• • I am so sorry that you are sick. It breaks my heart to know that
• you are so ill after winning the battle years ago. We had all hoped
• you would never be sick again. I pray for you every day. I send you
• my love and my prayers for all times. You can find comfort in
• knowing that you are strong - a fighter who has won this battle in
• the past and will win it again. So many are praying for you. So
• many of us love you and want you to be well again.
• • Mrs. Ramsey, my name is Daxis. I knew your little girl, JonBenet. I
• loved her very much. I feel strongly that I can reveal much to you
• about her last night of life. Mrs. Ramsey, I was with her when she
• died. Her death has destroyed me and has left me in the deepest
• depths of sorrow. I know the pain and grief you have endured over
• the years. The events of that night are not what they seem to be. I
• believe I can relieve your suffering over the loss of your
• daughter. I would like to do that for you, Mrs. Ramsey. I would
• like to be given the chance to ease your mind and help mend your
• broken heart. I grieve without cease over her death. I cannot begin
• to know what you are going through but I do grieve for the same
• child. We have more in common than you might know. We loved the
• same little girl. We grieve over the loss of the same wonderful
• child. Oh please, Mrs. Ramsey, give me the chance to share what
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• .iappened to her and to lift this darkness and confusion over the
•
events of that night. If I could say but one word that would give
• • you a small amount of peace, it would be worth it all.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
We can walk through that valley of sorrow together. I believe that
a healing can begin. Though I would never be so selfish as to ask
for your forgiveness, I believe it would lighten this heavy load
that you are carrying. I would want this only for you. Even if you
have forgiven, you have never been given the chance to focus that
forgiveness on an actual person who has come before you as I have
now - with a new understanding of who I am and what happened on the
night I was with your little girl. And if you have not found it in
your heart to forgive, I believe I can make this easier for you. I
know that you have carried a heavy cross for almost ten years. I
believe I can lift that cross from you. I will take that cross upon
me and bear the pain that I so deserve.
• • I believe God's Hand has intervened in this matter. I believe it is
• time for closure. I will never receive closure but you can - I will
• make sure of that. I will make every effort to help you through
• this. We cannot know today what tomorrow will bring. I pray that
• tomorrow will bring you good health. I further pray that you will
• give me a chance to help you find peace at last; to find rest after
• years of struggling with the horrible thoughts of your little
• girl's last moments. I want your body to heal from this illness and
• I want your heart to follow in that healing. I want to give you
• peace through any words I might be able to say to you.
• • God Bless you, Mrs. Ramsey. My love and prayers are with you in
• this time of illness. Let us love your wonderful little girl
• together. Let me take on your pain and bear this heavy cross. I
• pray that you will find it in your heart to permit me to do this
• for you. I come to you with unreal respect and admiration. You are
• the mother of the most wonderful little girl I have ever known - a
little girl I love past all others. You were and will always be
• JonBenet's precious mommy and for that I shall always esteem you
• and admire you and give what I can give to you that will bring you
• ultimate peace.
• • Daxis
>
•
•
•
account required
3
0702
Bennett, Tom
From:
ant:
4`o:
Here's today's missive. This is intriguing:
"I will not reveal whether I knew
JonBenet prior to that night. I will not reveal whether or not I was
her teacher. Michael, she was in a self-contained classroom with one
teacher with the exception of a few special teachers."
Michael,
I am working on a response to all of my past mails. You have to recall
that almost two weeks went by with no response to some of those earlier
mails including mail 2. I think I will just paste in parts as I continue
to respond to your current mails. This will prevent this from happening
again and will keep it to one mail, not 6.
I pray that you called John and alerted him that such a letter was being
sent? I see no indication that you did. I am breaking with protocol to
send a letter to Mrs. Ramsey through you. I need direct contact with them
and will settle for nothing less. I appreciate that you have sent the
message. I thought your reaction would be stronger but instead, I received
what you think Mrs. Ramsey might say to me. What did you personally think?
You quoted my entire letter to her, which I wish you would NOT have done
given its
ensitivity. At the end, you wrote one sentence.
"I have to tell you a number of things: she will be utterly appreciative
of your letter if slightly, initially, baffled by the fact that after all
this time you have come forward; she will be compassionate and
understanding ... if you are about to meet your Maker why not be;"
Why would you think she would feel all those emotions based on the fact
that she was about to meet her maker? Was the letter within itself not
strong enough to touch her in all those ways? Was it not special enough to
merit all those emotions you so beautifully worded?
"but if you were to speak to her, or she were to email, she would I
suspect say to you something to the effect of, "..if you want to help me
before I pass, then confess publicly. You know that for ten years I have
been living with the knowledge that countless numbers of people hate me
because they believe I killed my child. You know I didn't because, unless
your letter is a cruel hoax on a dying woman, you are telling me that you
were involved in JonBenet's death. If you really loved JonBenet and
treasured her, her memory, and if you care for me you will stand up and
let everyone, the whole world know your story, know who you are, know who
Daxis is. That is vital to me. " I could be wrong but I don't think so. We
shall see."
That is the most upsetting thing I have ever read. Thank God, this is not
an actual letter from Mrs. Ramsey. If it were to be, I would
ease my contact with her immediately. What will it solve that I would
be placed in a small cell for the remainder of my life? She would have no
contact with me there. What would it benefit Mrs. Ramsey if the whole
world knows my last name? At that point, I
1
0703
would wish I was protected in a small cell from the people who would seek me
out to hurt me or even kill me. How would that give Mrs. Ramsey peace? That
sounds like revenge to me. It certainly deviates from all that I conveyed in
that letter. So I grant her "he ability to forgive, to heal, to know that
JonBenet did not
uffer - coupled with an assurance that she has access to me anytime she wishes
for more consolation and for that, I deserve prison for life OR to be chased and
killed by an angry public? Why do I owe the public anything? The public has
accused Mrs. Ramsey. The public has made a mockery out of her murder case posting about on the internet and making speculations. The public (media) has
published cruel things about the Ramseys and further- they have paraded photos of
JonBenet on the covers of rags that should, in my estimations, be illegal in
light of the fact that she was only six. I pray to God that the Mrs. Ramsey I
love will not respond to me like that. I know what my reaction will be. I will
recoil and dig in even deeper. I have vanished already but I can completely
disappear in a way that it will seem I was never born.
•
I have read the message to Patsy and you are correct, it is very
•
•
proper and restrained while also being very frank. You are to be
applauded for that. That was brave of you.
Thanks..
"She needs to know what happened and why and she needs the world to know that she
did not harm her child. The former though, as you know, is infinitely more
important than the latter."
My approach would give her both of those. It could be done without throwing me
to the wolves. I would not say things like that had I not read your rendition of
Mrs. Ramsey's letter.
"As you from crimes would pardoned be, let your indulgence set me free." you
and Patsy have it within your gift to set each other free. Closure. Amazing."
Unless she reacts as you think and wishes for me to expose myself to the world
and to law enforcement. I will not be FREE then. I will be in Hell. I do not
believe prison or death is what I deserve. I can do great works for the Ramseys
and great works for little girls if I am free. C'est vrai? It would be ironic if
Mrs. Ramsey wanted such for me after I told you that I wanted to use my 50
percent of the profits from the Daxis book (something you never responded to and
I noticed) to help them financially. You do realize that such is my deepest fear
in this matter and one I think will come to pass.
• And you and I know that will bring her peace is the answer to two
• • questions: why? and did she suffer?
And you said that after quoting my entire letter to Mrs. Ramsey. Please don't do
things like that, Michael. That letter was so sensitive and so important to me.
You quoated it like it was e-mail spam.
Anyway, thanks for all you do for me. I don't know what any of this will come to
except heartache for me. I don't think any of it will ever work out, to be
honest. I want the contact with the Ramseys and the Daxis book so bad but it will
not make any of it come true. You do realize of course that if I break down all
the mystery in my identity and if I go to prison, the book will have a fraction
of the appeal.
2
0704
I will now start my responses to your other mails below:
"WHAT I DO KNOW, FOR CERTAIN, IS THAT IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO PATSY SHE
JILL DO SO. I NOW HAVE CONFIRMATION OF THIS."
I do not know why they will not give their e-mail address and phone
contact information to me. Michael, you have that information and I do not.
That does not make me feel they wish to talk to me. All they have to do is
tell you to tell me what their e-mail address is and it is done. I got
tired of waiting and sent a letter through you. She might not make it. Why
is this being delayed? I would so love to talk to her but how? I am so
worried about her. I am so afraid she will not make it and will never hear
from the man who was with her little girl on the night of her death.
DID SHE TELL YOU THAT SHE LOVED YOU OR WAS IT MORE IMPLICIT? I THINK
ONE OF THE INTERESTING, INDEED REMARKABLE, THINGS ABOUT THIS IS THAT
WHILE MOST PEOPLE, AND I INCLUDE MYSELF IN THIS, CAN UNDERSTAND A 6
YEAR OLD LOVING, SAY, A PARENT, YOU ARE NOT USING IT IN THAT WAY ARE
YOU? YOU ARE SAYING THAT THERE WAS AN ALMOST ADULT DIMENSION TO HER
FEELING. AM I CORRECT, OR WAY OFF BASE?
Little girls can love their parents, their best friends, and their lovers.
They are capable of all types of love. I know you want to know what she
said to me but I cannot do that right now. I assure you that she loved me.
'WERE THE INTERACTIONS SIMILAR TO THOSE YOU HAD WITH THE EIGHT YEAR OLD.
SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK THE INITIATIVE. IF YOU TRUST ME, TELL ME WHY IT
WAS INTIMATE, EROTIC, SEXY, PLAYFUL, EXCITING."
That would take a volume of mails to explain. If only I had better and more
prolonged access to a computer and the internet, I could go into great
depths. Yes, it was similar to what I shared with the eight year old but
she was not dominant like the eight year old was. I was more in control
with JonBenet.
"LET'S AGREE I'M TAKING THE STUN GUN OFF THE TABLE."
Thank God. Thank you, Michael for placing your confidence in me. I know
how much you believed in the theory.
"1) THE WAY IN WHICH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JONBENET EVOLVED; 2) EVERYTHING
THAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT... THOUGH I ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME A LOT
ALREADY."
There is more to tell of that night and continuing to go back and forth
with these mails in the past are still delaying me. I must break from them
as I did with my letter to Mrs. Ramsey and tell you more of what happened
that night. I will not reveal whether I knew JonBenet prior to that night.
I will not reveal whether or not I was her teacher. Michael, she was in a
self-contained classroom with one teacher with the exception of a few
special teachers. I will tell you about what we shared that night only. You
will have :o just accept my story that I met her for the first time that
night, at this point.
"IT WOULD VERY MUCH BENEFIT FROM A DETAILED ACCOUNT OF YOUR LIFE, 3
0705
YOUR
SEXUALITY AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUNG GIRLS. AND YES, IT WOULD
HAVE A LONG SHELF LIFE. IT WOULD ALSO BE GREAT AND HELPFUL TO ?ECEIVE AN
OUTLINE FROM YOU."
Thank you. I will give as much information without alerting my living family
members in the U.S. in case they read the book. I will try to do what I can
about an outline but we need to cover more of that night and I need to be in
touch with the Ramseys prior to that.
"FORGIVE THE QUESTION BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY MARK. CAN I ALSO ASK
YOU
SOMETHING ELSE. YOU EXPLAINED THE REASON FOR THE DUCT TAPE BUT I
WAS
WONDERING WHY, GIVEN YOUR FEELINGS FOR HER, YOU LEFT THE GARROTE
AND
HER HANDS BOUND. DID YOU INTEND TO REMOVE THEM?"
The rest of the things left were similar in reason as was the tape. It was like
a whirlwind. I was very upset. I did not want to touch any of the things on her
body. I wanted to leave them. I would have given anything to have left her in a
more perfect state but I was just too out of it to know how to do it. I am sorry
for the state I left her in. I should have done something better for her.
""It was kind of cold outside.... Gloves keep your hands warm. They were used so
rarely, it is unmentionable."" WHAT IS UNMENTIONABLE?
Unmentionable as in, trivial - used for such a short periods of time.
"I KNOW THAT HER VOICE WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU, AND THAT YOU HAD HAD A
RELATIONSHIP WITH HER FOR SOME TIME. I'VE FELT THAT FOR SOME TIME NOW."
Michael, I am not going to confirm if I was having a relationship
to the night I met her. It would compromise my identity to do so.
you a little story of an account I had last week at school. A mom
delivered their daughter to my first grade class. With them was a
with her prior
Let me tell
and dad
neighbor girl
who attended a separate kindergarten not located at my school. She was around
five. I had never laid eyes on her. I looked down and said, "Oh my goodness, who
is this lovely little girl?" She focused on me immediately and flashed me a
smile. I then squated down in front of her as I usually do with young children
so I can be on their eye level and started to talk to her. The parents were
right beside us and smiling. You must also know that this little girl did not
speak a word of English. She started talking to me rapidly in her mother tongue.
I could not understand a word of it. It did not matter. I asked the parents to
translate. They translated about one sentence though she was speaking volumes.
The one sentence they did translate was, "She wants to know if you are a nice
teacher." She continued to smile and talk but then noticed the parents were
listening. She then came very close to me, placed her hand close to my ear and
started talking into my hear rapidly. This is common in my life that little
girls want a secret bond with me. She did not want the parents to share me with
her. She wanted me to herself and did not want any adult to intervene. My point
is that I have a charisma with little girls. They instantly bond with me. It
moves rapidly. She was five and in a matter of minutes, she sensed my Attraction
for her and responded with her attraction for me. In those short moments, she
made a plan to have me in a private setting. In the event that I never met
JonBenet until that night, it would have not been at all rare or uncommon for
her to respond
4
0706
to me in the same way. It is something unique only to me that little
girls respond in such a way.
"DO YOU THINK IT WAS WHY
KNOW SHE SAID "MOM," BUT
.NEW IT WAS YOU AND WAS
AND THEN CRADLING HER IN
SHE WAS OK WITH YOU TAKING HER FROM HE 9ED. I
I WAS WONDERING IF A PART OF HER
HAPPY WITH THE FACT THAT YOU WERE HOLDING HER
YOUR LAP."
That was a precious thing for you to say, Michael. She was half asleep
when she mom AND she did not say in the form of a statement. It was more
like a question, "Mom?" It was almost inaudible. I have never told you how
I carried her down. It was the most common way I have always transported a
sleeping little girl. I placed my hands under her back and lifted her so
that she was facing me. As I lifted her from her bed, in the standing
position, her head gently took its place on my shoulder while her little
legs wrapped around my waste and her arms draped over my shoulders. This
is the best I can describe this very common position. She was very
comfortable with me and I would not doubt that she did know it was me
carrying her. She wasn't afraid of me, Michael. She loved me.
"YOU SAY THAT SMIT TOOK MONEY FROM THE RAMSEYS."
It seemed obvious to me that he was paid just as the public spokesman was
paid. Of course he was not on their payroll. That is not how you pay a
"private detective". You actually think he did this for free? His job was
to clear the Ramseys. He tried but I think he failed. If the Daxis book
is not published, it will forever go down in history that the Ramseys
killed their daughter. it will not be rectified by Smit. I am sorry that
it seems I am against Smit. Maybe I just don't like fucking cops.
""I was upset when I wrote that. I will not confirm that statement
,anymore."" OK. SHE WAS THERE, THAT'S THE END OF IT AND I WONT RAISE IT
AGAIN.
You misunderstood that one again. I am not confirming at this time that I
had a female accomplice. I am personally sorry that I brought it up.
"I HEAR YOU, I WILL TRY TO KEEP MY BITCHINESS IN CHECK. IT'S JUST MY
FEMININE SIDE COMING OUT!"
You would not believe what a feminine side I have. It is beyound
bitchiness.
"WHAT YOU HAVE SHARED, AND WHAT YOU WILL SHARE, IS DEFINITELY NOT LOST.
NOR WILL IT BE, EVER. THIS IS A STORY FOR THE AGES."
if I am allowed to explain also the attraction and the relationship a man
can have with a little girl, I think also that it wil be a book for the
ages. I appreciate that you think such a thing.
""> disappointed that you said Patsy will not write back to me in >
response.
ACTUALLY I CAN'T REMEMBER SAYING THAT. MAYBE I MISCOMMUNICATED. WHAT
EXACTLY DID I SAY? THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY EMAILS BETWEEN US I HAVE
TO ADMIT SOMETIMES BECOMING A BIT CONFUSED AND OVERWHELMED.
You wrote "Patsy is willing to talk to you - well listen to you." 5
0707
That led me to believe I would not be receiving anything from her which
would be sad.
"IRONICALLY THOUGH IT IS BECAUSE OF HER HEALTH THAT THEY ARE
AGREEING."
Yet they still have made no connection - provided no way of
contacting them.
"I HAVE CONVINCED THEM THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING VITAL TO TELL THEM, THAT I
BELIEVE YOU. PATSY WOULD NOT WANT TO DIE WITHOUT HEARING WHAT YOU HAVE TO
SAY."
She and I could have an inexplicable connection if she would allow it.
I will write more later. Please write back tomorrow. Once we reach a place
where I can continue to tell you more about that night, I will commence.
Daxis
required
http://www.hushmail com/send?1=480
6
0708
Bennett, Tom
Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu] Sent: Sunday,
May 21, 2006 11:10 AM To: Bennett, Tom;
Andrew Smit
There is no doubt in my mind that he is saying that he was her teacher, which of course
doesn't man be was. m
Michael,
You are going to get behind again.... I was trying to keep it
down to one mail but now it is two. Oh well.... I only get one
hour per day. It is impossible for me to respond to 5 mails at
once in that hour. I sent a mail to you yesterday entitled,
"The Way I Carried Her". Please respond... I will forget
about getting a response to "mail 2".
I will continue responding to the mails you sent:
"NO IT ISN'T AND YES TOU HAVE PROVIDED TWO PIECES OF
INFORMATION, THE
RUNNY NOSE AND THE FRAGRANCE, THAT ARE UTTERLY CONVINCING."
The information about the frangrance is much deeper than it
might seem on the surface. I am glad that the two pieces of
information I provided proved to be valuable.
"AS YOU CAN TELL BY MY ACTIVITY TODAY, I AM CATCHING
UP." You will get behind once more if you stay away.
""You would not recognize me. There are reasons for that. I
do not recall many things.""
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS. THERE ARE "REASONS," FOR WHAT?
Reasons you would not recognize me. I have changed a few
things about myself. Not so much though.
"AND THE ISSUE OF WHAT I WOULD DO IF THE RAMSEYS DIDN'T TALK TO
YOU IS MOOT BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO."
That does not seem to be happening any time soon.
"YOU ARE CORRECT.IT IS REMARKABLE WHAT YOU HAVE REVEALED TO
ME RECENTLY. I ONLY WISH I HAD BEEN MORE SENSITIVE EARLIER ON,
THEN
MAYBE WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO WAIT FOUR YEARS FOR YOU TO REVEAL
THE
0709
5/22/2006
I
- va r
TRUTH IN ALL ITS DETAILS. I'M GLAD YOU HAVE AND AM HONOURED THAT
YOU
CHOSE ME TO BE THE ONE TO LISTEN TO YOU."
That was sweet to say. I trust you. I know that you have
interviewed the Ramseys. I know that you think they are
innocent. For all those reasons, I chose you and only you to
reveal my secrets to. I have talked to others when I was back in
the U.S. but not to this extent. Yes, had you been more sensitive
early on, it probably would have made a world of difference.
There is still so much to tell.
"I AM STILL EAGER TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING, NOT JUST ABOUT JONBENET
BUT
ABOUT YOUR WHOLE FASCINATING LIFE, AND TO WORK ON THE
"DAXIS," BOOK."
Thank you for your interest in my life. It has been dramatic, to
say the least. My problem is that if you publish these things, my
immediate family will recognize it. That must never happen. I
have children. I do not want anyone to expose my children to the
scrutiny of the public. I will be hated by the public. I do not want
my immediate family to suffer because of me. They suffered
enough when I was being investigated for murder and child
molestation. I lost every single member of my family. They all
turned against me. It was phenomenal. I was to surprised. I had
always been so open with all of them. I told them of my attraction
and even spoke of JonBenet. They were so understanding until the
investigation. It was a horrible time for me and cost me
everything.
"THAT YOU HAVE NO HIDDEN MOTIVE OR AGENDA IN WANTING TO TALK
TO THEM.
I THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT THINNG IN YOUR LIFE, IN YOUR HEART,
IS FOR
THEM AND THE REST OF THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT YOU LOVED JONBEBET
WITH A
PASSION AND THAT YOU WERE HER LOVER AND THAT SHE WAS YOUR
WILLING LOVER."
That is very important to me. I want my name beside JonBenet's
name - where it belongs. We belong together forever. I want the
world to know why this all happened and how much I adored that
child.
""At times, you make me feel like the most interesting person
you have known.""
"BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE. AND I'VE MET A LOT OF VERY INTERESTING
PEOPLE IN MY LIFE."
You cannot know how much this meant to me when I read it. Thank you
0710
5/22/2006
r agc .. vi I
so much for that. You only know a small facet of my life.
There is so much more that you do not know. I will reveal
it as time goes
by.
"I HAVE ADDRESSED THE ISSUE OF THE CONTACT. AND OF COURSE THEY
WANT TO
KNOW ABOUT HER FINAL MOMENTS. WAS SHE IN YOUR ARMS WHEN SHE
PASSED AWAY? THAT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY PAINFUL, LOSING YOUR
YOUNG LOVER."
That would depend on when you consider she died. If you
consider that she died after the final erotic asphyxia, then I
was holding her when she died while trying to revive her. If
you consider the blow to her head to be her time of death, it
was not possible for me to hold her then. It was horrible
losing her. I cried and did everything in my power to revive
her. It was like a whirlwind. It was not subtle it was filled
with physical action. I was lifting her while sqeezing her
chest, while holding her, while breathing into her mouth over
and over. It was horrible. I will never know if she was
actually dead prior to the blow to her head. I can only pray
that I made the right decision and that she would not have
revived otherwise unharmed. That part haunts me. I could
not feel a pulse in her neck. I could not feel her breathing. I
think she was dead or at least I know that enough time went
by that she would have sustained severe brain damage. I
didn't know what to do but what I did. I'm sorry... so sorry
you could not know.
"HE DID THOUGH SHE ALSO DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT. WHEN YOU MET
THEM YOU MUST HAVE HAD A SOMEWHAT FORMAL RELATIONSHIP. THI
S CAME AS A BIT OF
A SURPRISE BECAUSE I HAD KIND OF ASSUMED THAT YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH
THEM WAS MORE INFORMAL."
I am no longer willing to reveal whether I knew the Ramseys
or not. I will continue to share things with you about them about JonBenet's maternal grandparents and aunts.
"LET ME SEE IF I UNDERSTAND THIS. YOU HAD TWO PIECES OF
WHAT YOU REFER
TO AS EQUIPMENT. YOU TOOK JONBENET TO THE BASEMENT "
I have refrained to quote your entire description. It is
somewhat correct but leaves out a lot.
"I'M ASSUMING THAT WHEN YOU WERE USING BOTH PIECES, THAT IS
WHEN SHE WAS.
HANGING VERTICALLY."
I never said they were used simultaneously. And no, the first was
not used when she was in a vertical position. It was used in a
more sensual way when she was in my lap and we were able to
cuddle much
0711
5/22/2006
EMOTIONALLY AND FEEL REMORSE AND GUILT. I CAN BARELY BEGIN TO
IMAGINE
THE DEPTH OF YOUR GRIEF AND GUILT.
I feel guilty about all the things that happened. Guilt is a
strange thing. Little things bother me. For instance, the way I left her
there was just horrible. I should have done more. My memory about it all
is also very clouded because of the effects of the trauma I suffered from
delivering the blow. For example, I think I covered her with something
but I can't remember. God, I hope I did. Some things I remember as if it
happened five minutes ago while other things completely escape me. The
marks you described that were mistakened for stun gun marks has my
mind churning to recall what could have made them. I believe it was a
certain piece of jewelry I was wearing that could have made those marks
but I don't have enough information about the marks to know if that is
true. I am sorry for my memory but it is understandable. After JonBenet's
funeral, I think I had a type of nervous breakdown. This also took its toll
on my recalling the events of that night. Until I started talking to you here,
I never recalled those events unless they pounced on me like a vicious
animal. Her birthday and Christmas are my most difficult days. I do recall
the events of that night on those two days especially.
was going to flee the country. She gave me her blessings.
DID YOU TELL HER WHY YOU WERE FLEEING THE COUNTRY.
Yes. She knew about JonBenet and of course defended me during my
investigation. Her biggest fear always was that I would talk to someone
about JonBenet. If she knew I was talking to you, she would die... If she
reads the "Daxis" book, I think she will recognize me though she would
never tell that to anyone. She was very pretty and young.
"IN DISBELIEF, THOUGH I DO ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE AN INFINITE
ABILITY
TO SURPRISE ME. SO WHY DON'T YOU TRUST OUR CONFIDENCE AND TELL ME
SOMETHING OF WHAT SHE SAID. THAT FINAL CONVERSATION WOULD BE A
FASCINATING WAY TO BEGIN THE BOOK."
I don't want the book to begin with any dialogue I had with JonBenet. I
do want one photo to be included in the book that might be placed in the
beginning. It is the one I have requested of you and never received. The
last photo taken of JonBenet alive. It should be placed in the book with a
caption in the effect of: "JonBenet less than 24 hours before she was to
be with her Daxis." I will try my best to share that loving conversation
with you. I don't know why it is so hard but it is terribly difficult for me
to
0713
5/22/2006
L
agv - -
more. Had I stopped at that, everything would have been fine. It would
have changed everything. There might not have been a use in all those
kidnapping diversionary tactics. And Michael, there might not have
been a ransom note. Think about that one for awhile. We need to talk
about that note soon. There is something that I know you must not
know about the note.
"WHAT I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND IS WHY YOU DECIDED TO CHANGE THE
EQUIPMENT."
Certain objects were taken all during my loving encounter with
JonBenet to save and place in a secret place to behold forever when I
could not be with her. This would include the first object of sexual
asphyxia as well as her knickers.... I had planned to take that lovely
bracelet but I never got to that point. You see, the things were taken
subtly as we made love. It did not happen all at once. That would have
been inappropriate. When I took her knickers, it was a very sensual and
sexy moment. There was dialogue between us about that.
"OR ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU SLIPPED THE FIRST OBJECT AROUND HER
NECK WHILE SHE WAS IN YOUR LAP. SHE WAS SUSPENDED WHEN YOU USED
THE SECOND DEVICE. THE REASON YYOU LEFT IT BEHIND IS BECAUSE YOU
COULDN'T STAND TO HAVE IT IN YOUR POSSESSION."
That first part has been answered above. What you said was just
about the amount of it. And yes, it was too painful to take the
second object. I would not have known what to do with it once in my
position. It was bad enough to take that flashlight much less the second
object. It was also not easy to take from her.
"I'M ASSUMING THAT IT IS WTH YOU ALWAYS (things taken), POSSIBLY
ALONG WITH HER
PANTIES AND THE CUTTING OF HER HAIR. THOSE AS YOU HAVE SAID BEFORE
WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE EROTICALLY POTENT THAN THE END OF THE PAINT
BRUSH."
It is in a safe place never to be found. My homes were turned
inside out during the law enforcement search surrounding the
investigation. I had to take care of things I wanted to save. I
knew it was coming, the search. I had a few days to get my houses in
order. That was one thing I retrieved though some of the things I had
collected from the house after that night upon my returns to it, were
taken. No one knew what they meant or where they came from.
""horrible ending. I am ashamed of it. I hate myself for it.""
THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE SINCE YOU ENDED UP ACCIDENTALLY KILLING THE
LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. I HAVE HURT WOMEN IN MY LIFE, NOT PHYSICALLY BUT
0712
5/22/2006
rugc u ui I
type here. I recall all of it. That is one part I will not forget.
She said my name several times - "Daxis". And that should let you
know quite a bit
"YOU HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT IT WAS CONSENSUAL. THAT IS WHY I CAN
IMAGINE HER TALKING TO YOU. IF SHE WERE NOT COOPERATING FEAR I
SUSPECT WOULD LEAVE HER SILENT."
She was not silent. JonBenet was never silent in her whole little
life.
"NOW THIS IS A BIT ELLIPTICAL. ARE YOU SAYING THAT THERE IS A
GREATER
SIGNIFICANCE TO THE FRAGRANCE THAN JUST THE FACT THAT SHE WAS
WEARING
IT, AND THAT PATSY WOULD SEEE THAT SIGNIFICANCE."
Yes, I am saying just that. It is so simple.
"BEYOND SEXY IS A VERY INTERESTING CONCEPT. VERY INTRIGUING."
JonBenet was always beyound sexy.
"SO I MAY BE CORRECT IN ASSUMING THAT SHE GAVE YOU A CHRISTMAS
TRINKET. THAT PRESUMABLY IS ALSO A VALUED POSSESSION."
I will not confirm anything like that but will say that anything
from JonBenet would be considered sacred to me.
"I'M A BIT CONFUSED. ARE YOU NOW SAYING THAT YOU WERE HER
TEACHER?"
I have addressed this in my last mail to you.
"WHAT KIND OF STUDENT WAS
SHE."
Excellent. Intelligent. Precocious. A child I would refer to the
Talented and Gifted program or any other enrichment program past
school though she was only six.
"I ALWAYS HAD THE IMPRESSION THAT PATSY WAS WHAT I BELIEVE IS NOW
CALLED A HELICOPTER MOM IE. ALWAYS HOVERING OVER HER CHILD, ALWAYS
CONCERNED, AND OFTEN HASSLING TEACHERS. AN UBER-SOCCER MOM."
There is a difference in hassling and being very involved. I liked
your descriptions of her regardless.
I have now responded to all of your past mails with the exception
of mail 2 and my mail from entitled, "The Way I Carried Her" - both
of which I have not received. Soon, we need to move on. I am ready
to reveal more about that night. It is painful but I know I must do
0714
5/22/2006
I ap,V I va ,
it. I dread it, Michael. I get all upset and depressed every time I
share something new. I will tell you that today, I shopped for a
new notebook computer which would make a world of difference in how I write to
you here. At that point, I would have unlimited access to the internet and could
compose mails offline. This would also allow me to work on the book outline and
contribute great effort to the book in general so that it can be released by
Christmas.
Daxis
http://www.hushmail.com/send9l=480
0715
5/22/2006
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
.0:
Monday, May 22, 2006 9:45 AM
He's in his bitchy mode today. I'll be replying later. Also I think I'd
better reply to the one mail I haven't yet. Any thoughts, ideas? I will try
to be really nice to him in the reply. That should open him up. Also he
asks if I have any questions about the ransom note. Not quite sure why,
because he's always been rather pleased with himself that it was all
nonsense, a distraction, a "magician's" trick. The obvious one's are: the
money amount, SBTC, when was it written, why to John. Anything else? And I
wonder what he means by "Gothic devices." M
Michael,
My mail "The Way I Carried Her" deserves a response. I also wonder why you
did not call John and tell him about my very important message to his
wife. Last week, you were telling me how she was on the brink of death so
I kicked into action. Now, there is no mention of anything of your contact
with John Ramsey. That letter was really special to me and something of
great value. I had hoped to actually read that she had received it and had
read it. That would have been something. Sometimes it feels like we are at
square one. I read your responses below and watched you skip over so much
that I have shared. As well, I know I will wait for days for a response to
my other mail above. Maybe this cannot be a dialogue. laybe it is just me
emptying out and who knows where it will all
nd up. Last week, you were up in the air and this week, it is like
talking to another person. How can you expect this to progress if you seem
to digress? It is not a criticism. It hurts me.
"THEY ARE VERY VALUABLE, THOUGH OBVIOUSLY I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING
WHAT THE DEEPER SIGNIFICANCE IS OF THE FRAGRANCE. PERHAPS IT WAS
SOMETHING YOU GAVE HER. YOU IMPLY THAT PATSY WOULD UNDERSTAND. YOU
CAN ASK HER SOMETIME SOON."
I cannot reveal that until Patsy responds to it which will never be. No,
of course I did not give it to her. That would not make any sense. I did
not give her a runny nose either. Those were two pieces of evidence that
would have reminded the Ramseys of her state on the night of December
25th, 1996. I don't think any of it will matter in the long run. It's
useless to even try.
"I WONT STAY AWAY."
You are. You're not answering my mail from two days ago. It doesn't
matter. It's too painful to share anyway.
"I THOUGHT WE HAD NEVER MET." We've
never met..
"THE ONLY DESCRIPTIONS I HAVE OF YOU ARE FROM YOUR OWN COMMENTS AND
THOSE OF SANDROCK."
Mine are correct. Sandrock's are incorrect.
1
0716
> That does not seem to be happening any time soon. I
DISAGREE, BUT WE SHALL SEE Leah, we shall see that I am
right.
"YOU ARE CORRECT. IT IS REMARKABLE WHAT YOU HAVE REVEALED TO ME RECENTLY.
I ONLY WISH I HAD BEEN MORE SENSITIVE EARLIER ON, THEN MAYBE WE WOULDN'T
HAVE HAD TO WAIT FOUR YEARS FOR YOU TO REVEAL THE TRUTH IN ALL ITS
DETAILS."
Maybe you should read the above a few more times.
"AS I'VE SAID ON MANY OCCASIONS NOW I'M HERE TO LISTEN TO WHATEVER IT
IS YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TELL ME. AND I PROMISE THAT I WILL BOTH LISTEN
CAREFULLY AND NEVE, EVER BE JUDGMENTAL."
I guess I need to realize that you will never consistently respond to me
with great enthusiasm and that I must share all with you expecting nothing
in return.
"THE PROBLEM AS I AM SURE YOU ARE AWARE WOULD BE HOW TO DESCRIBE THE
NATURE OF YOUR LIFE WITHOUT INCLUDING THE KINDS OF DETAILS' THAT YOU
WANT YOUR FAMILY NOT TO HAVE TO HEAR. IN OTHER WORDS YOU CAN'T HAVE A
BOOK CALLED "DAXIS," WITHOUT DAXIS, ANYMORE THAN YOU CAN HAVE HAMLET
WITHOUT THE PRINCE. HOW DO WE GET AROUND THIS PARADOX?
Then did I EVER say that there would be nothing said in the Daxis cook
about me?? Furthermore, you would not need to know anything about me to
publish all that happened just one night in my life - December 25, 1996. I
think you are backing out on calling the book Daxis and on focusing the
book on me. You also refuse to address the equal partner issue that I have
sent twice now. I think things are very different from what I thought just
last week. I am not sure what you want. Concerning my concern that my
family will recognize me in the book, you did not read my comments
carefully. Had you, you would understand it all.
"IS YOUR MAIN CONCERN WITH LETTING YOUR FAMILY BECOME AWARE OF YOUR
SEXUAL
ATTRACTION TO REALLY YOUNG GIRLS, EVEN THOUGH IF I RECALL CORRECTLY
YOU HAD ALREADY INTIMATED THIS TO THEM."
I have told you several times, including in this mail, that my family
knew all about my attraction and were understanding about it. They also
knew I had a connection with JonBenet. I told you that my father
discouraged me from visiting her grave on several occasions. I told you
that I talked to my father about JonBenet a lot. If you do not
understand, please read this again:
My problem is that if you publish these things, my
immediate family will recognize it. That must never happen. I have
children. I do not want anyone to expose my children to the scrutiny of
the public. I will be hated by the public. I do not want my immediate
family to suffer because of me. They suffered enough when I was being
investigated for murder and child molestation. I lost every single member
of my family. They all turned against me. It was phenomenal. I was to
surprised. I had always been so open with all of them. I told them of my
attraction
2
0717
and even spoke of JonBenet. They were so understanding until the
investigation. It was a horrible time for me and cost me everything.
Finally, I would only have to change a few things to make sure they lid
not recognize me such not publishing that I lost TWO daughters but instead
focus on one. Another would be to change the age of the twelve year old to
ten. There are things I can do. That is what I was saying. I was NOT
saying that I was not willing to allow the printing of my life story. I
WAS saying that it concerns me and that I did not want to cause my family
any grief. Michael, my family knows that I was suspected of murdering
JonBenet and had their own suspicions.
"> That is very important to me. I want my name beside JonBenet's name
> - where it belongs. We belong together forever. I want the world to
> know why this all happened and how much I adored that child. THAT
WOULD BE THE WHOLE IDEA OF THE BOOK.
Yeah....
"I'M LISTENING"
And I think I will have to settle for that.
"THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS WITH ME. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO RECALL
"HOSE MOMENTS. THE IMPRESSION I HAVE IS THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO PERFORM
CPR ON HER. TRAGICALLY IT DIDN'T WORK. I WONDER WHAT WOULD
HAVE HAPPENED HAD YOU SUCCEEDED?"
It was CPR in a strange fashion. I know what would have happened had I
not used the second object of asphyxia. I would have let her walk back up
to bed. Does that surprise you? Had I revived her after the second
object, I would have found a way to alert her parents for further
assistance to JonBenet - an ambulance. Does that surprise you? There's
more...
"I'M PUZZLED, TO BE FRANK. HOW CAN YOU SHARE THINGS WITH ME ABOUT THEM
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THEM. AND YOU'VE ALWAYS MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT
YOU DID KNOW THEM IN SOME CAPACITY." I'm
puzzled too.
> I have refrained to quote your entire description. It is somewhat >
correct but leaves out a lot.
WHAT DOES IT LEAVE OUT. IT WAS I THINK YOU WILL AGREE A FAIRLY
DETAILED DESCRIPTION.
Michael, it leaves out so much that you do not know yet. That is
-hat I meant. You do not know a lot about that night. Though your
paragraph was fairly descriptive, it cannot begin to cover all the events
of that night. It is much like the description of the sinking of the
Titanic in the film when Rose says, "Thank you for
3
0718
that forensic analysis but the real thing was very different." It was not
to impune your paragraph. It is only to say that one paragraph cannot do
the whole night, and much of the things you do not know, justice.
"SO THE OBVIOUS QUESTION IS, WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP? WERE YOU OVERCOME
WITH PASSION, DESIRE? WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO FASHION THE SECOND
OBJECT."
I'm sorry. What can I do about it now? The whole night, I was overcome
with desire. Are you asking me why I killed JonBenet? I don't see it
that way. I don't see myself as a killer. Her and I were engaging in a
romantic and very sexual interaction. It went bad and it is my fault. I
wish I had stopped at the first object. It would have been wonderful to
have her live but that did not happen.
"I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT THAT THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT THE NOTE THAT
I DON'T KNOW, THAT YOU DO. CAN YOU SHARE WITH ME."
Can you ask me questions about it? Can you interview me?
"YOU MEAN YOU DISCUSSED WITH JONEBENET YOUR TAKING HER
PANTIES ... SORRY, KNICKERS. DID SHE WONDER WHY YOU WOULD WANT THEM.
CAN A SIX YEAR OLD UNDERSTAND WHAT A POWERFUL FETISHISTIC OBJECT THEY
WOULD BE FOR YOU."
I deeply dislike your last comment. Back to square one on this one. Can a
six year old have a sexuality? I have tried to prove to you that they can.
I wanted to describe to you how it all came down. I wanted to tell you what
I said and what she said. But it is really personal to me and with your
last sentence up there, I don't think you would understand it or appreciate
it. I didn't just take them and say to her, "Wow, your knickers." It was
very different from that.
"I CAN SEE THAT THE FIRST OBJECT HAS EROTIC AND EMOTIONAL
RESONANCE,
THE SECOND IS ASSOCIATED WITH VIOLENCE AND THUS COULD NEVER HAVE ANY
FURTHER EROTIC ROLE OR MEANING IN YOUR LIFE."
That is correct. Thank you.
"YOU DID COVER HER WITH A LIGHT COLOURED BLANKET." Thank
God. I couldn't quite remember that.
"CAN YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU WERE THINKING WHEN YOU DID SO. WERE YOU TRYING
TO COMFORT HER SOMEHOW."
I couldn't just leave her there like that. She was cold that night all
through our love making. No wonder, she was virtually naked for the most
part. I didn't want her to be cold. I didn't want to leave her without some
semblance of respect.
"I NOTICE THAT ABOVE YOU SAID THAT REMOVING THE SECOND OBJECT WAS NOT
EASY FOR YOU. IT MUST HAVE A VERY INTENSE MOMENT, ONE DIFFICULT TO THINK
WITHIN."
It was difficult and there were other factors at play which I have not
had the chance to reveal because my mails get such a delay in response.
You will understand more once we can get past late mail
4
0719
responses. It will all make sense. Much you don't know, Michael.
"THEY ARRE TWO SETS, REDDISH IN COLOUR, ONE SET ON HER FACE, THE OTHER
ON HER BACK."
That does not tell me much. I don't know at what angle, the depth of the
marks, the shape of the marks. I don't know if I can explain them though it
could have something to do with the Gothic devices I was using that night.
I am just shooting in the dark.
"THAT YOU HAD A BREAKDOWN COMES AS NO SURPRISE. BTW, DID YOU GO THE
FUNERAL. WE CARRIED SOME FOOTAGE OF IT IN OUR DOCUMENTARIES."
Oh God, I would have not liked that portion of your documentaries. I don't
think I could bear watching such a thing. It was hard enough just watching
your A&E interview. I will respond that I am very familiar with Peachtree
Presbyterian Church. I was not familiar with that graveyard they put her
in out in Marietta. And that is all I will say...
"YOU MEAN YOUR ATTORNEY KNEW THAT YOU HAD ACCIDENTALLY KILLED
JONBENET, OR THAT YOU HAD SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HER?"
She knew that I was under suspicion though she assured me that I had
slipped through law enforcement's fingers once more as she could not get a
police report from Colorado to prove they actually investigated me for her
death. I talked to her about JonBenet. It was always my impression that she
believed I was involved with JonBenet's death. But she assured me it was a
private matter that she would never reveal. I never confessed to her
anything but would drop subtle hints.
'SOUNDS LIKE YOU MAY HAVE BEEN ATTRACTED TO HER. WERE YOU LOVERS?"
I was attracted to her only because she was my salvation at the time. No,
we were not lovers. I am attracted to little girls only.
"IT MEANS SHE WAS VERY FAMILIAR AND COMFORTABLE WITH YOU. I WOULD LOVE
TO HEAR THE REST OF THE CONVERSATION."
She loved me. Yes, she was comfortable with me. I want to tell you more of
that conversation but I just have a real hard time with it. I know you want
to know and it would electrify the entire story of that night. It will
change the entire complexion. I can tell you that we exchanged, "I love
you." on several occasions.
"Fragrance: TO BE HONEST, IT'S NOT SIMPLE TO ME, THOUGH IF AND WHEN YOU
TELL ME
MAYBE I'LL UNDERSTAND THE SIMPLICITY."
I cannot until Patsy responds to it. It would destroy the
information to explain it prior to her response.
"> "WHAT KIND OF STUDENT WAS SHE."
• • Excellent. Intelligent. Precocious. A child I would refer to the
• Talented and Gifted program or any other enrichment program past
• school though she was only six."
You didn't respond to that...
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU; READING THE BOOK OUTLINE; AND 5
0720
HEARING MORE ABOUT THAT NIGHT. ONE CURIOUS THING HOWEVER IS THAT I
THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO TRY AND PUBLISH BY
CHRISTMAS. WHY HAVE YOU APPARENTLY CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
ro meet
YOUR deadline. It does not mean anything to me but it is what you
gave me as a deadline.
I am sorry if you think this mail is punitive. It is not. I am only
frustrated that you cannot seem to catch up with your responses to me and
that your tone changes like the wind. I am very sensitive and this subject
matter is even MORE sensitive. You were right in saying that had you been
more sensitive four years ago, I would have revealed more earlier. The same
applies to now. I guess I will just have to realize that you will never be
consistent in your frequency or style of response. I wish you were. I guess
I need to unload this on an understanding female friend. But I cannot. You
will just have to be yourself but understand that I will respond to your
many changes and to your lack of response. I just wish we could keep this
thing moving progressively forward before I change my mind about sharing
anything and run for my life. Bless you for being in my life. Without you,
I would have no one to talk to - certainly not the Ramseys. I think it is
time for me to share the words JonBenet and I shared. Will you help me to
feel comfortable enough to do that? At this rate, I don't.
Daxis
required
Set the best prices on SSL certificates from Hushmail
6
0721
Bennett, Tom
,ent: Tuesday, May 23, 2006 9:50 AM
0'o:
Michael,
Please forgive the negative tone of my mail below. I am fairly stressed
over the fact that my mails are being deleted and that the Ramseys will
not even acknowledge a letter I sent to the mom of JonBenet. I deeply
respect you and loved reading your letter which was very sensitive and
caring. Thank you for that. I only wish I could have received a response
to a very important mail I sent yesterday. I need you, Michael. Please
don't leave me.
I can't believe we now have yet another thing standing in our way of
corresponding and at such a critical time. You must find some way to keep
my mails from being deleted. It's rediculous that such important mails are
being deleted. There is a way you can do this - please do.
> I DIDN'T QUOTE THE WHOLE LETTER, JUST THE PART ADDRESSED DIRECTLY > TO
PATSY SINCE I UNDERSTOOD THAT TO BE WHAT YOU WISHED.
What? You did quote the entire letter to Patsy in the mail back to
I did NOT request that you quote all of the letter to Patsy
-ack to my e-mail address and make a one sentence comment below it. I
asked you to forward that portion to John Ramsey who obviously has either
not seen it or just doesn't care. From reading your letter, this is all
about clearing their name. That is totally not what I am doing this for and
I find it a bit odd that this would be the main issue with them. I think
the letter to Mrs. Ramsey was a huge mistake. I don't think there is any
sense of urgency for her to know the killer of her daughter. At this point,
I am very disillusioned with it all.
-ne.
"AS FOR MY OWN THOUGHTS ABOUT THE LETTER, I THOUGHT IT MADE ITS POINTS
WELL, WAS CARING AND COMPASSIONATE."
Some parts were compassionate but I just did not seem to get the sense
that it was at all appreciated for its valuable worth. Maybe it was not
worth anything at all.
"I NOTED THAT YOU SAY YOU CAN LIFT THE CROSS FROM HER, AND THAT YOU CAN
HELP HER GET SOME CLOSURE, EVEN IF YOU CANNOT. HOW DO YOU SEE THIS
HAPPENING"
I expressed it well in the letter to her. I am sorry you think me to be so
powerless to give her any comfort. I suppose it was thought to be arrogant
that I would even dream that I could do something so enormous - some
nothing like me. I disagree with that.
"BECAUSE IN A SENE SHE IS BURDENED BY TWO CROSSES; ONE THE LOSS OF HER
DAUGHTER"
'.nd I could help her with that. I knew you didn't like my letter and
now it is confirmed.
"THE OTHER THE FACT THAT SHE KNOWS THAT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE BELIEVE
1
0722
SHE KILLED JONBENET."
What could stop me from doing that...
"ISN'T IT MORE LIKELY THAT YOU CAN REMOVE THE SECOND BURDEN MORE HAN THE
FIRST?"
No. Let me explain so that you don't have to read my terrible letter again.
Her cross consists of pain, the lack of forgiveness, the horror that
something terrible happened to her daughter and that she was afraid and
that she suffered an unmerciful death. The loss of her daughter is not a
cross - it is a loss that she as a Christian believes will be resolved when
she meets her daughter again in Heaven. I thought it was an unreal thing
for me to say but now I think it was totally nothing and will be perceived
as totally nothing. I don't know what I am getting so upset about. You are
NOT Mrs. Ramsey. I have NOT heard this from her - only from you. Maybe she
will appreciate my letter. Maybe she will never see it. I have given up on
ever having contact with her. It is a lost cause. If John Ramsey cannot
just deliver a short letter to her, how can I believe that she will
actually have an ongoing conversation with me. It's outrageous to think
such things in light of this lack of response from them.
"I TRULY HOPE SO. FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, AND I HAVE ALLUDED TO THIS
BEFORE, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT TOMORROW WILL BRING HER GOOD HEALTH. IF IT
DID IT WOULD INDEED BE MIRACULOUS. PERHAPS YOU DO HAVE IT WITHIN YOUR GIFT
TO RELIEVE HER BURDEN, TO PROVIDE CLOSURE AND THUS TO REMOVE THE STRESS
AND THAT HER BODY MAY WELL REACT POSITIVELY. WHO KNOWS?"
I know. Such is impossible since I am being shut out. You use words like
"perhaps I have it within my gift to help".
I SAY THAT BECAUSE I THINK PATSY IS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO CAN PUT
HATE BEHIND HER, AND REALIZE THAT FORGIVENESS IS WHAT HER MAKER WOULD
WANT. IT IS ASKING OF HER SURREAL COURAGE, BUT I AM CONVINCED SHE
HAS THE METTLE."
You would know since you are someone she talks to unlike me. I cannot
understand this, Michael. It upsets me more and more. The more I read
what you say, the more frustrated I become.
"I DON'T THINK THAT SHE WOULD FIND PEACE IN THE IDEA OF PEOPLE WANTING
TO HURT YOU. I DON'T THNK SHE WANTS THAT. SHE WOLD FIND PEACE IN
THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWING SHE ISN'T A KILLER, OF HER OWN DAUGHTER."
Michael, to focus only on that last statement is so out of the realm of
what my letter addresses and what I meant by the word peace. She should
find peace in forgiveness, in knowing her daughter did not suffer, in
finally connecting and identifying and understanding her daughter's killer.
Yes, she can find peace in not being accused but that is only one facet. It
should not all be about this.
"YOU DON'T OWE THE PUBLIC ANYTHING."
I don't think the public will ever know about me. My concern is that
this book will never be published. I think the whole thing till fall
apart. Now, even my mails are being dumped into the :rash.
"CONSIDER THE 50% A DONE DEAL. IT HAD NOT OCCURRED TO ME THAT I HADN'T
RESPONDED TO THIS. NOW I HAVE."
2
0723
Thank you.
"WHEN YOU REFER TO YOUR "DEEPEST FEAR," IS THIS A REFERENCE TO HER
THROWING YOU TO THE WOLVES?"
I have many fears. I guess that was what I was referring to. That would
certainly be one of them. It has happened before and it is not pretty.
"YOUR MESSAGES ARE PROFOUND AND WELCOME."
Thank you, Michael. It is just that at times, it seems you have a problem
keeping up. And now my e-mails are being deleted. It worries me. If I
lose you and the ability to write this book with you, to finally get all
of this off my chest and to finally unite JonBenet with me forever before
the world, I will lose my mind. I think I will commit suicide. Thank you
for saying my mails are profound.
"AS I HAVE SAID MANY TIMES, I ONLY WANT TO BE OF HELP. I AM A MINOR PLAYER
IN THIS COMPARED TO YOU AND THE RAMSEYS."
Thank you for saying that. In the last part of your statement above, I am
truly touched that you would show me such respect. However, if I am so
high and comparably placed beside the Ramseys, why do they talk to you
and not to me? On the other hand, your esteem of me will not go unnoticed
when the world reads "Daxis". Michael, you will see that the public will
see the exoneration of the Ramseys as something in the background
compared to the explosion this book will cause. This is huge, Michael. It
is so much more than even you can fathom.
`PEOPLE ATTACKING THE RAMSEYS FOR KILLING THEIR DAUGHTER"
That is not what this is all about, by far it is not. I am giving the
Ramseys a chance to connect with the last person their child saw and
spoke to on this earth. I am giving them a chance to talk to her killer.
This is so much deeper than that one facet. Yes, that is important but NO
it is not the whole of this. Why can you not see this?
"I THINK DAXIS WILL BE FOREVER FASCINATING TO THE WHOLE WORLD
WHEREVER HE IS. OF THIS I AM NO DOUBT."
Thank you, my friend. That means a lot to me. However, I think my present
position in life is of paramount importance in how the public will
respond to my story. There are so many agendas and ulterior motives when
one is a prisoner.
"WHAT I DO KNOW, FOR CERTAIN, IS THAT IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO PATSY SHE
WILL DO SO. I NOW HAVE CONFIRMATION OF THIS."
I don't see that happening.
"I do not know why they will not give their e-mail address and phone
contact information to me. Michael, you have that information and I do
not."
You didn't respond to that one.
;'THAT IS ALSO MY GREAT FEAR. TO BE HONEST I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE DELAY
IS, AND WILL ENCOURAGE THEM YET AGAIN TO OPEN UP THE DIALOGUE. HER
HEALTH, AND JOHN'S ANXIETY ABOUT IT, OBVIOUSLY DON'T HELP."
3
0724
Thank you for once more trying to get them to talk to me. Can you please
just tell John to give my letter to his wife? what is so hard about that?
If she dies and never knows, it will be a tragedy. 7T think that it would
not bother John in the least.
"'DO YOU COMPARE THE TWO GIRLS IN YOUR MIND, OR DO YOU, AS I
SUSPECT,
TREASURE THE MEMORY OF JONBENET MORE PROFOUNDLY."
I regard JonBenet in the highest above all others.
"THE THOUGHT THAT HAS BEEN GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IS THAT YOU HAVE
ALREADY TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT THAT NIGHT, WHAT MORE IS THERE."
Much more.
"SMIT ANYMORE, AS FAR AS I UNDERSTAND IT HE ONLY WAS PAID
EXPENSES"
I won't ask for expenses. I know that he took money from them
whether you call it expenses or not. It was money.
"WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS BEYOND BITCHINESS????"
That is a deep thing that I have yet to share with you.
I am working very hard on the outline for the Daxis book. I have now 20
main categories or chapters as well as most of the subcategories. I wish
to complete it before I let you take a look at it. I will tell you that I
would ask that none of the chapters be assigned numerals but should be
stated in phrases only. I can share with you prior to letting you see the
entire outline that the ¶irst chapter will be entitled "Mommy Dearest" and
the last will be ,ntitled "Dearest Mommy". The first chapter will cover my
experience with my mother which is very involved and extremely graphic.
The final chapter will complete the circle and will describe my
relationship with JonBenet's mother, if I get to have one. If she has
nothing to do with me, I am not sure how I can fill this chapter. Even if
she never speaks to me, I believe I can say enough of how I feel about her
to fill a book, much less a chapter. It would be much more authentic and
emotional if she would connect with me. Of course, it would be written in
a way to hold her correspondences with me in strictest confidence. I did
not plan the chapters this way. It simply just happened as I was writing
it out. I realized that it all started with my mommy dearest and all ended
with my "dearest" to the mommy of JonBenet. Once you know the story of my
own mother, you will see how I could have very much sympathized with Mrs.
Ramsey even if she had killed JonBenet herself. Of course, she did not but
I would have been able to relate. I am not sure I would have loved her as
I do now. My love for her has its origins in the fact that she is the
mother of my lover, JonBenet. She carried JonBenet in her womb and gave
life to her. I carried JonBenet in my arms and gave death to her. In so
many ways, her mother and I are deeply connected. She loved her daughter
with all her heart. I loved JonBenet with all my heart.
I want to address the issue of your desire for me to share the words that
were shared between JonBenet and me. I want you to understand why it is so
difficult for me on a number of different levels. First, it is a
sentimental issue. It was our most intimate and sexual moments and the
final words JonBenet spoke. On another '.evel, it is difficult to express
to you the content which was very Sexual at times. It would be like me
asking you to tell me what your wife said during the kinkiest sex you ever
had with her. A great example is the interaction I had with JonBenet when
I requested her knickers. That interaction was extremely erotic. The
4
0725
words, but mostly the actions, were of a sexual nature that is difficult to
describe to someone who might not understand, as you said, how a six year
old girl would understand such a thing. I assure you, she understood. When
you say things like that, it °orces me deeper into silence. I do want to
share what she said to
e and what I said to her. I need to do that. You see, Michael, ~al.king
about her here with you is like bringing her back to life. I have been
unable to talk to anyone about her for so long. I have you only, and long
to have JonBenet's mother to share all these things about my lovely little
girl. Her words on that night were unreal. She was an incredible little
girl. She was mature beyond her years. She was very sexual in the same ways
I was very sexual. We were made for each other. We were meant to be
together.
Daxis
required
5
0726
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Wednesday, June 14, 2006 10:26 AM
Michael....
•
"so forgive me, because wine was also on the menu"
•
•
Thank you for asking my forgiveness though I doubt anyone wants
that from me. I said something profound. Did you catch it?
•
Actually i didn't.
Actually it is right up there in your own words, I am very sorry I mentioned it.
You have made me feel very UNspecial.
•
•
•
"Tomorrow the sun will rise and I will write with greater
coherence
and length."
• • Maybe....
• • Well here I am, writing.
But refusing to respond to four of my past mails.
•
Sure. I lok forward to reading whatever you have written so far.
I will let you see it when it is finished. I will not send rough drafts.
"I'm especially interested at this stage to learn more about your childhood. It
seems, from what you have already told me, that it was troubled. All childhood is
formative of course and yours is no exception. Or am I way off base?"
My account of my childhood was written while you were away. As I told you earlier,
I had to tone it down a bit. I doubt you will notice it is toned down. Yes, it is
disturbing and the psychologists will hae a field day with it all and blame
everything that happened to JonBenet on my childhood which is irritating to me
because I know better.
"The other possibility is that I could occasionally call you from CU, though I
can't over do that."
1
000728
Then don't do it at all.
"I do know that you choose your words carefully. However, I'm still a
little perplexed. Who's the other guy you are referring to?"
John Ramsey
Who else? I sent a letter to them with the phone information
to you yesterday to be forwarded to them. I got no response from you that it
even arrived.
"Actually, I have a feeling that it would be cheaper for me to call England than
the other number which I assume is in the Far East."
Please refer to my original mail to you. I specifically requested that you call
the second number.
"But, if it is your wish, I'll use the non-English #."
I requested that you use the secondary number in my original mail to you.
""I should hope our correspondences will get back to normal but I think it will
take some time since you are behind some four mails.""
And those mails seemed to have vanished from sight. They were very important mails
to me. I do not understand why you will not answer them. I won't send anything
that deep again until you acknowledge those mails. You seem to have no problem
answering these short notes like this one but when it comes to something really
deep, you no longer respond. You did in the past. What is different now? And where
does that leave me when it comes to giving you meaningful mails? Am I to dread
sending something substantial due the fact that I know it will go unanswered and
even without acknowledgement?
"I am really looking forward to reading what you have written so far.
it will take me a couple of days to catch up with all the mails."
Ahh so you are going to respond to all of them? I have completed the following
chapters: "Mommy Dearest", "Pretty Little Boy", and "A Girl of Ten or Twelve".
Nothing I might send to you will be in draft mode. I will welcome anything you
wish for me to expound upon or even change, within reason. I do not want my words
to be edited. One word changed without my presence will throw the story into the
wrong direction. I will relieve you and tell you that it is not at all elliptical
in my opinion. It is a blow by blow account. "Mommy Dearest" is the most intense
and unbelievable. I do not know what the reader will think but I can assure you
that the accounts are true regardless of how unreal they were. It has been painful
to recall and continues to be as I reread and revise it.
Please do not write a letter to me telling me that I am angry. I merely want a
response to my letters. I deserve that.
Daxis
required
https://www.hushssl com?1=485
2
000729
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu)
Michael....
•
"so forgive me, because wine was also on the menu"
•
•
Thank you for asking my forgiveness though I doubt anyone wants
that from me. I said something profound. Did you catch it?
•
Actually i didn't.
Actually it is right up there in your own words. I am very sorry I
mentioned it. You have made me feel very UNspecial.
•
•
"Tomorrow the sun will rise and I will write with greater
coherence
•
and length."
•
Maybe....
• • Well here I am, writing.
But refusing to respond to four of my past mails.
•
Sure. I lok forward to reading whatever you have written so far.
I will let you see it when it is finished. I will not send rough drafts.
"I'm especially interested at this stage to learn more about your
childhood. It seems, from what you have already told me, that it was
troubled. All childhood is formative of course and yours is no exception.
Or am I way off base?"
My account of my childhood was written while you were away. As I told you
earlier, I had to tone it down a bit. I doubt you will notice it is toned
down. Yes, it is disturbing and the psychologists will hae a field day with
it all and blame everything that happened to JonBenet on my childhood which
is irritating to me because I know better.
"The other possibility is that I could occasionally call you from CU,
though I can't over do that."
1
000730
Then don't do it at all.
John Ramsey
Who else? I sent a letter to them with the phone information
to you yesterday to be forwarded to them I got no response from you that it even
arrived.
"Actually, I have a feeling that it would be cheaper for me to call England than
the other number which I assume is in the Far East."
Please refer to my original mail to you. I specifically requested that you call
the second number.
"But, if it is your wish, I'll use the non-English #."
I requested that you use the secondary number in my original mail to you.
""I should hope our correspondences will get back to normal but I think it will
take some time since you are behind some four mails.""
And those mails seemed to have vanished from sight. They were very important mails
to me. I do not understand why you will not answer them. I won't send anything
that deep again until you acknowledge those mails. You seem to have no problem
answering these short notes like this one but when it comes to something really
deep, you no longer respond. You did in the past. What is different now? And where
does that leave me when it comes to giving you meaningful mails? Am I to dread
sending something substantial due the fact that I know it will go unanswered and
even without acknowledgement?
"I am really looking forward to reading what you have written so far.
it will take me a couple of days to catch up with all the mails."
Ahh so you are going to respond to all of them? I have completed the following
chapters: "Mommy Dearest", "Pretty Little Boy", and "A Girl of Ten or Twelve".
Nothing I might send to you will be in draft mode. I will welcome anything you
wish for me to expound upon or even change, within reason. I do not want my words
to be edited. One word changed without my presence will throw the story into the
wrong direction. I will relieve you and tell you that it is not at all elliptical
in my opinion. It is a blow by blow account. "Mommy Dearest" is the most intense
and unbelievable. I do not know what the reader will think but I can assure you
that the accounts are true regardless of how unreal they were. It has been painful
to recall and continues to be as I reread and revise it.
Please do not write a letter to me telling me that I am angry. I merely want a
response to my letters. I deserve that.
Daxis
required
000')31
2
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu)
•
•
•
Hi, I replied to two emails earlier today. I will spend time
tomorrow replying to these. Can I ask you a question though, and
please do not misread this, why is it that you need me to reply to
•
•
each individual mail. I will, have done, my best but sometimes I
do get behind. And yes, I understand that the mails were/are
in• tense.
Michael, just don't worry about responding to any of my mails. Why do you
dislike responding to each of my very intense mails? You do know that this is a
discouragement for me to send any other such mails.
•
•
•
•
"My Mere Proximity"
"The Scent of JonBenet's Prince"
"The Last Voice She Heard"
"Parents of Daughters / My Excellent Rapport"
I wish I had not sent them. This is ridiculous. Those mails deserve a response
without me having to beg for it as I have for two weeks.
"You know I was away for a few days."
I was begging for responses to those mails long before you left. You stopped
responding to my mails as you should right after you sent that letter to me
from John Ramsey.
"Yes I received it and am thinking of the best way to forward it. By
that i mean i am due to call John on Thursday, and was thinking that
I should wait and tell him that I will be forwarding your mail. or
maybe I should just send it."
I need for you to tell me when you receive such a mail. I can't read your mind.
Please send the mail now and then confirm that he received it on Thursday. If
you call him, you might be tempted to just tell him the numbers and that is not
my wish. The letter is important. All my letters are important to me.
"It's not breaking down. I was on a mountainside looking at the stars."
For several weeks? Stop making me feel guilty that I want responses or at least
acknowledgement that I have sent a sensitive letter to you.
""They are a precious to me and are archived.""
1
000732
"No need to resend. I've got them." Alright...
Michael, this is really beginning to be upsetting to me. You are now suggesting
that many of my mails should go unanswered. Why then should I send them? This is
supposed to be a correspondence - a dialogue. You won't even tell me if you
receive a mail from me many times. Please don't tell me of how much you have
responded. I know you have but I have also consistently sent request after request
for a response and not just now, but over the entire course of the years we have
talked. It is exhaustive and takes energy away from the matter at hand. I think
this only proves to me more and more that I should concentrate on the book, if
there is to be one. Your reaction makes me feel worthless and unimportant enough
to even merit a response. My whole life has been based on merit and I think I
deserve a response to each of my mails - and what mails they have been. I am NOT
angry. It hurts.
Daxis
required
2
000733
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael,Tracey@colorado.edu)
Sent: Wednesday, June 14, 2006 10:32 AM
To:
Michael...
How come you never write my name in your letters? >> "icey
silences". They are a killer to me.
"I didn't think that I was either silent or icy. Just taking a couple
of days off. Why do you hate the idea of silence so much. Is it because
you are really eager to tell your story and want to get on with it?"
Michael, I have been waiting for weeks for you to respond to four letters.
Fine you went on a vacation. You don't have to make me sound like a codependent just because I made a valid remark about icey silences as they
apply very well in the case of my past mails that have yet to receive a
response. Do you want me to get used to silences? Just let me know and you
will see that I can accommodate quite nicely as I proved in my silence to
you for over one year.
"If it is a total waste of time why do you want to send the numbers to
them."
Please don't say things like that to me, Michael. I will refrain from ever
voicing my frustration about their lack of contact. I am being responsible
- providing them with an ongoing connection with me. I think it is
important though I still contend, they will never contact me. I have a
right to think as I do.
"I know that you are frustrated by this, but I remain confident that
they gather the will to contact you."
Ok. I am not allowed to respond to that as I would like so I will leave
it at that.
"i do know that Patsy is receiving treatment again, which is at least a
sign that perhaps her doctors haven't given up on her. Perhaps your
optimism that you expressed, that she would not die, was on the mark after
all. It would indeed be a miracle if she does recover and miraculous
insight on your part. I sensed that everyone else was waiting for the phone
call saying that she had passed away."
It is miraculous insight on my part because I have an inexplicable
connection with her through her daughter. Could it be that she is actually
reading the messages I have sent to her through you and that these messages
have given her hope and a renewed will to survive? I know this to be the
case. I know that God will not allow her to die without making a firm
connection with Daxis.
"I think, however, that you very much want to be the author, and to have me
as reader/editor/facilitator. Correct? That's no problem from this end."
1
000734
How could I not author the story of my life? It is incorrect to think that I do
not want you to author part of this book. I am formulating ways to incorporate
your writing as we speak and ask that you do the same. I might possibly be able to
write 200 pages. I am not sure at this point. Those 200 pages will have to be
authored by me because I am the only one who knows my story. The time constraint
concerns me. I would like to think myself a Stephen King who can spit out
megapages but such might not be the case.
"What's this from? To be honest I can't imagine not being a professor. I knew
I wanted to be an academic from an early age, even though I
struggled in school. I hate exams."
I'm sorry, Michael. It was a mistake to say it and useless to explain.
"I think that you are correct
amount of interest in you."
in the
sense that there will be a huge
Or maybe no one will give a damn. The public is like a jury - unpredictable. The
highly doubtful side of me says the book will never happen and therefore I will
never know if people will be interested in me or not. Sometimes I am confident
while at others, I feel nothing but doubt and a sense of total destruction.
"As I have already said the sooner I see what you have written the sooner we can
try and push the project along."
Do you have a publisher in mind for this book? It is very controversial and will
be difficult to sell to a conservative publisher. Do you have publishing contacts
past the academic type? I am concerned about this. You have an outline and will
soon have several chapters. You must start pitching it to publishers as soon as
possible as it might take time to find one that will publish this book. Sorry to
talk in such terms but that is the reality of it.
"I can imagine that writing about your childhood is painful. I've tried to do it
about my own and couldn't get past the first sentence. You seem to be having
greater success."
> From the moment I sat down to start the chapters on my childhood,
the words have flowed out like blood from a gushing wound - quickly and with
articulate precision. I have been quite surprised. I suppose my confessions to you
of JonBenet has somehow opened the flood gates for other aspects of my life to be
reopened and to be shared. I will tell you that I wrote "Mommy Dearest" and then
REwrote it again. That was difficult. It was all difficult.
"Perhaps one of the functions of writing the book is that it will be
therapeutic. I certainly hope so. So, when can I see what you have written?"
At least you won't have to respond to my chapters.... They are even longer than my
mails. Maybe you could at least let me know that you receive them? It is somewhat
therapeutic though mostly just disturbing. I have concerns about exposing my
childhood and those in it, to the public. I think the reaction is causing me deep
concern. While writing of the girl of ten or twelve, I thought to myself that I
hoped she would not read this.
"I'm writing."
2
000 135
In response to the four mails I sent in the past? I never meant to cause
tension between us over sharing the most sensitive aspects of my
interaction with JonBenet in the form of four letters. I feel like I am
being punished. I don't know when I will ever feel comfortable to send such
letters again.
Daxis
required
3
000736
From:
Sent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Michael Tracey [MichaelTracey@colorado.edu]
Wednesday, June 14, 2006 10:35 PM
I was just going over some of the mails and noticed this;
John Ramsey
Who else? I sent a letter to them with the phone
information to you yesterday to be forwarded to them. I got no response from
you that it even arrived."
this was in response to my question as to who else might want to trace the
English #
Is he saying that he assumes that John will go to law enforcement to have the #
traced It seems to me he clearly is. The obvious, to the point of banality is,
why?
Just a late night musing. The fact is though, the number exists and has a
meaning, though right now only God and he of the perfectly formed hair and the
penchant for young girls knows what that is.
For the record, it is likely we are going to Atlanta next week to film the
interview for our 10th anniversary documentary, working with CBS, an interview
which by the way has been in the works for many months. They, CBS, nor my partner
David Mills, of course have NO idea about Daxis.
Any thoughts?
If I told him I was going to interview Patsy next week it would drive him effing
nuts A real stressor.
Michael
1
000737
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.eduj
Sent:
Thursday, June 15, 2006 11:54 AM
To:
Subject: Spam:
He's really on form in this one. And Lou was right ... he wants to meet, which
makes my flesh creep a little. m
Michael,
Thank you for responding to those two mails. I loved your responses. I will look
forward to you responses to my other mails. Thank you for comparing me to Stephen
King. While writing my memoirs in the book, I am also like King in that I also
write horror. His horror is fiction and mine was a reality.
How much did I tell those others in reference to JonBenet? I have told no one what
I have told you. I have mentioned JonBenet's name and the fact that I knew her and
that has been the amount of it. The undercover informant perceived that I had
killed her. I was talking to her of another murder of a little girl and she mixed
everything together. The mere fact that I had told her I knew JonBenet had such a
big impact on her - damn her to Hell. My father was a person I confided in much
more. I never told him that I had anything to do with her death. I did not give
details as I have with you. In his case, he watched me go out to her grave over
and over again, He knew I was in grief. He knew of my sexual attraction for little
girls in general. When the investigation began, I was talking to him on the
telephone after he first found out and he instantly asked, "Does this have
something to do with the little girl in Colorado?" That was a profound statement
from him, in light of the fact that I never told him I had anything to do with her
death. At that time, I was not aware of what was going on. My attorneys scrambled
for investigation reports but could not get to them for weeks. The only
investigation reports I ever saw were only from one state and were from the
sheriff's department only. I have never revealed to anyone in my life what I have
revealed to you and what I will reveal in the Daxis book. But my father seemed to
know. Actions speak loudly.
Yes, I am here to share, not just about JonBenet but other girls, my life, my
mother, and my life experience. I thank you for listening. The first two
chapters of the book will reveal much to you about me. It will explain quite a
bit about the real Daxis. I am actually very concerned that it will change your
perception of me completely. You must know that I genuinely loved JonBenet
regardless of what you find out about my childhood and youth.
I hold great hopes that you will get a cell phone this Friday or Saturday. Please
do. I am concerned about the quality of the audio we will experience on this
rerouted phone number I provided. That coupled with both of us talking on mobile
phones might render the conversation inaudible.
You asked, "how did I sound to you, did I sound as you had expected?" First of
all, you sounded wonderful after the four year wait. To me, you sounded like the
man who interviewed the Ramseys and now you were talking to JonBenet's lover.
Could you ever have imagined, when you were interviewing the Ramseys, that
someday you would be interviewing their daughter's killer? I hate that term,
"killer" but I wanted you to get the full impact of that. I'd rather not be known
as JonBenet's killer though I know that the
1
000738
name Daxis will always be synonymous with that title. I want to be known as
JonBenet's Closest; JonBenet's Lover. I loved hearing your voice and felt
very comfortable with you. The conversation was very much needed. Of
course, you know how much it would mean to me to talk via phone to
Patricia.
Of your words on John and his absence by Patricia's side when in Tennessee,
I can only say that I could have said more about the matter. Let me just
say, if it was at all possible, I would never leave her side at a time like
this - and I am not leaving her side. I am trying to be with her, as close
to her as possible if she would allow it - if John would allow it. I do not
want you to have the feeling that I am somehow against John I only wish he
would step aside and allow me to be close to his wife. If I could talk to
him personally, I would say, "John, I know you are hurting and T know you
want to protect your wife but ask yourself, what could Daxis do to hurt
Patricia anymore than she is already hurt? Further, John, I wish her no
harm but only good. Patricia needs this closure that only I can give. I
loved JonBenet; hence, I love Patricia." But I will never get the chance to
say even that to him.
You mentioned the note again. I thought I had explained some of the things
about that already. You know we still have not thoroughly gone over that
note so that I might respond to each of your questions about it. Commence
when you are ready. You might find that there was much less to that note
than meets the eye. I will tell you this, something you should already
know: There WAS no S.B.T.C just like there WAS no foreign faction.
Therefore, how could S.B.T.C stand for anything? I told you I used it for
want of a better acronym. The money amount will be covered in the book. It
will be in the chapter, "Not a King's Ransom" under the heading, "What is a
Princess Worth?". It was a mere amount. Most numbered Swiss accounts
require a minimum deposit of $100,000 if that helps you. I mentioned that
in one these very mails you are responding to now but you missed it. You
asked "Do you realize the countless hours that people have spent trying to
work it out, though I was not one of them." No, I do not realize any of the
attention this case has generated. I have evaded it as much as possible. I
don't have a clue as to what they have said but I would be a bit curious
and want you to go over every part of it. I will try to explain it but I
think you might be a little disappointed as it is not going to be at all
exciting. The note was a tool. It served its purpose. Yes, I could reveal a
few details as I did on the phone with you. It was written in semi
darkness. I was aware at the time of handwriting analysis and so held that
into account when delivering the very messy handwriting. I am glad to know
you were not one of the people who poured over that note. I take no pride
in having written that note. It is actually an embarassment to me. But it
twisted the modus operandi - and how very important that would prove to be.
You see, Michael, every detail was covered. It was my every intention that,
if apprehended and asked for a writing sample, that there would be no
match. Now that is very important but something I bet none of the sleuths
ever thought of. Again, the note misled them and ran them off track.
You asked "what was so unique about JonBenet - was it because she was
JonBenet?" Maybe I should tell you what attracted me to JonBenet. She was
precocious for one. That has always turned me on tremendously. She was
affluent. This is something that has always attracted me to little girls. I
am not sure why unless it just adds to the perfection image that is
important to me. She was expressive and never afraid. She was curious about
sex and open to things I wanted to do with her. She was unbelievably pretty
all over. She had a beautiful little body when naked. She had a beautiful
face and lovely flowing blonde hair with the most unreal green eyes. I
cannot say in words what all JonBenet was to me but I can sum it up by
saying that she was a true Princess with a magic about her.
2
000739
You mentioned, "My sense from everything that you have told me is that the only
one who came close was the 8 year old." It is hard to compare the two though there
were similarities. The little 8 year old was unreal. I loved her so much and
needed her badly. She could not speak English so that really made her different
from JonBenet who spoke well with me. But the little 8 year old loved sex as did
JonBenet. The 8 year old like to be tied up.... I never placed anything around her
neck, in case you are wondering. That is something I can no longer do after what
happened to JonBenet. Did you know that?
Michael, I really don't know that I know "an awful lot about auto-erotic
asphyxiation". You do know that you are referring to something one does to him or
herself. Auto refers to self, as you know. I have never done this practice. It
involves a person alone, positioning themselves beneath a secured fastening point
like a doorknob. A rope is attached the the doorknob or the top of the head of a
bed and the other end is a noose around the person's neck. The person then simply
sinks farther and farther down, tightening the noose while masturbating. It should
be noted that several of these people have died because they went into a deep
hyperventilated state and could not regain their senses enough to sit up and end
the pressure of the noose. I never tried auto erotic asphyxiation. I do know
something about erotic asphyxiation and how to administer it painlessly and
without inducing struggle in my lover recipient. No, I do not have extensive
experience. You mentioned, "In our phone conversation I believe that you referred
to "the scene." does it also connect with an S&M culture?" I am quite honestly
gearing up for the reaction of the book. This subculture might emerge when the
book is released and make some expert comments about how I describe asphyxia
erotica. I am not involved in the asphyxia erotica "scene". Psychologists might
refer to such a practice under the category of sadomasochism (S&M) but, in my
case, it has nothing at all to do with anything sadistic or masochistic. There is
a subculture much different and a more feared group than are the S&M people who
dabble in asphyxia erotica that leads to death. I am not friends with nor have I
been a part of such a group but I am aware of them and have spoken to them.
Otherwise, I am very private when it comes to any facet of my sexuality.
You mentioned, "Given everything that you have shared the mind boggles as to what
else their might be." To be honest, sometimes I would just like to leave it with
what I have told you and not add anything else to it. It is very painful to
recall. Much of it is lost due to the post traumatic stress, a nervous breakdown
that I had to basically conceal, and ten long years that have passed with me
basically trying to forget as much as possible. Oh I recall the lovely things but
I have blocked out the horror of that night. I will try to share more but I cannot
promise it will be much more than I have already told you. You assured me that you
will not be judgmental. Thank you. I think of your judgment sometimes - wondering
if you think of me as JonBenet's killer instead of JonBenet's Closest. It is ok if
you do. I would totally understand. Sometimes I wonder if you harbor some
resentment towards me because of what I did to JonBenet. I recall some of your
past writings about "the killer" and your emotions were strongly against "the
killer". But maybe you now know "the killer" and understand him and therefore do
not hold any hate for him. I don't feel hate from you.
Your mention of the state of JonBenet as I left her is shocking to me. It hurts me
so bad to read it. I'm so sorry I left her like that. There is more that I should
explain about her state.... I want you to know that I did not brutally assault her
precious little private parts while she was alive. OK? Do you understand me?
Please?
3
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You mentioned, "I do not however understand your point about how leaving her like
this would point the finger at you. For law enforcement who would "you," be."
Michael, modus operandi and forensic evidence is all law enforcement have to go
on. Never underestimate the powerful MO road map that leads to a killer. I am free
because of that diverted MO. The way I left her had more to do with my frantic
urgency to exit the home due the fact that someone was awake and talking. MO was
not the priority reason for the way she was left though it was in place. Recall
the tape on her mouth? Recall what I said in my last paragraph God, I hate to
think about it. How could I dare think of myself at a time like that? But JonBenet
was dead. I had lost her. I had to save myself. Would you like to know what I wish
I had done? I wish I had taken her up to her bed, positioned myself beside her in
her bed and killed myself. At least I would have been where I belonged - with
JonBenet.
You mentioned, "I've been rereading Steve Thomas'book. The intensity of his
fixation on Patsy is incredible." Please spend your time with me and put down that
ridiculous book of nonsense. He doesn't deserve your valuable time. That part of
your life is dead and gone now that you have met me and know the truths I have
shared with you concerning my JonBenet.
I will let you see the first chapters of the book soon. I could do it now if I
would just allow myself to. I am afraid we will have a problem finding a
publisher. Remember that L. Frank Baum was turned down by publisher after
publisher with his product, "Wizard of Oz". You should start as soon as I send the
first chapters along with the outline. I would deeply appreciate it.
You mentioned, "the proposal for the book will be seen will be as both an intense
psychological process, a mystery and a solution to a mystery. That is why it has
to be frank and detailed." Have you thought of what genre this book should be
placed under? I know you instantly think nonfiction but consider Norman Mailer's
novel, "Exectutioner's Song". Though it was a factual, blow by blow account, it
cannot be found in the nonfiction section of any library. I think nonfiction is
the best category myself but I will do anything to get a publisher to push it
through. It must be published. And my writing so far is frank and detailed;
however, might read more like a novel. And by the way, my outline is in
chronological order.
Michael, I have been very very thorough in how I protect myself in the matter of
JonBenet and my possible connection to her murder. If I went around talking about
her, it might breed suspicion. Yes, even the mere mention of her name would evoke
a response in me that would be so obvious.
You mentioned, "it cannot be easy to tell me about how JonBenet reacted sexually
to your intimacy with her." That is the hardest thing to share with you. Her words
from that night are difficult to share. I recall using a very descriptive word to
describe her private parts to you in a previous mail and that was difficult. On
the other hand, I am very proud of my sexual connection with her and it was a
relief to talk about her using explicit terminology.
"They owned an XJ6. And I?
" owned an XJ6 Jaguar....
Thank you for saying "I know you are in great pain and miss her terribly. All i
can do to help you get through this is to ohelp you tell the world your story." I
hope you can get this book published. I hope I can do the very best job writing
this book. And it will be a love story and will be very erotic and it does need to
be clarified to the world. I hope it will alleviate some of the pain. My reasons
for sharing the story of my life and of my connection
4
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with JonBenet is to forever connect the name Daxis with my lover's name,
JonBenet, where it belongs and to exonerate her mother once and for all. It will
also bring a sense of closure for me, for the Ramseys and in a strange sense, a
form of closure for the world. And no, the grief will never lift and for me the
guilt will never lift. Sometimes, when I see a little girl, I think of JonBenet
and I feel a tremendous guilt.
Well Michael, I am out of school for the summer so I cannot talk so much of the
little girls who were in my class this year. I will tell you that I was attracted
to one or two with an emphasis on one. I do not think I will have the pleasure to
be intimate with my favorite little girl. Such is tremendously rare and that
frustrates me more than you could know. Is she aware that she is in such special
favour? Oh yes. It would be impossible for her not to know. She is very
intelligent. She is so sexy. I would love so much to have sex with her as I did
with JonBenet. She has a beautiful little body and a beautiful face. I love her so
much and want her so bad.
Concerning the idea of me submitting DNA samples, I ask that you never mention
this to the Ramseys and that we lay the matter to rest forever. My account of
that night along with proof I have provided must suffice in the vendication of
Patricia Ramsey. This is my best and only offer. I think it is an enormous one.
It is not my goal to make Boulder PD or the Boulder DA's office to look foolish.
I will tell you that I harbor hate for them for what they have done to the
Ramseys and for what law enforcement did to me during my investigation. I would
not cry if they all dropped dead.
Your question of "what would you expect her to do with what you tell her. Or are
you assuming that given its nature she would have to keep it to herself?" has me
once more very worried. Of course, I would expect her to treat my confession with
privacy. If I, for one moment, ever feel that they are conveying what I am saying
to the police, I will never be in contact with them again. I think it is time that
you find out about that before I pursue this further. I still want them to have
that mail I sent with the phone numbers. That mail also includes an intimate
message from me to Patricia. I need some assurance from John Ramsey that he is not
conveying this to the police. I was very paranoid about leaving that phone
message. I was and still am afraid that John Ramsey took that recording to the
police. I know what your response is going to be but this is my life we are
talking about.
The most troubling thing you said of Patricia's reaction to me was this: "It would
be unbelievably agonizing knowledge for her, because she would have the truth and
no one would believe her, except me." This tells me that you believe that their
intent is to go straight to the police with my information. I can't deal with
another murder investigation. I cannot talk to her if this is the case. It will
NOT be agonizing knowledge. It will be a connection with the person who was with
her daughter when she died. It will be her chance to aim her forgiveness on the
appropriate recipient. It will give her knowledge of the true events and
explanations for all. It will bring her closure. And the book will be my
confession to the world that will exonerate her. Why must we even speak of law
enforcement?
I did read carefully what you said about John Ramsey wanting his daughter's
killer to be caught and come up with the same reaction of deep concern. I must
know if this is his intent.
No, the world will not believe the story of Daxis coming from the mouth of
Patricia. It must never be presented in this way. But the
5
000742
world, I greatly hope, WILL believe the story of Daxis as is told by me. And if
the world is still not convinced, then I will have the benefit of knowing that I
have done my best.
"I'll resend it Daxis, he of the velvety voice." God, I love it when you talk
to me like that. I found it and responded to it already. Thank you.
"You seem to have no problem in keeping up with the emails. Your writing is
prolific, but yes focus hard on the book." I shall do that. Thank you for saying
my writing is prolific. I am very expressive. Actually, I have spent at least four
hours on this mail and you still have not responded to my past two mails. I don't
know what to say about the mails. I think we need them. I will be incorporating
them into the book with editing of course. So writing the mails is writing the
book.
You asked, "Do you think I should write a profile of Daxis as i see it." Yes, that
is a wonderful idea. Can you please start on that right away? Maybe I need to be
"explained" to the public. Please don't get too psychological. I want you to
contribute greatly to the book. By the way, I think you do understand me and know
a lot about me. However, you will see differently when you read "Mommy Dearest"
and "Pretty Little Boy". You will feel as though you have just been introduced to
me. Michael
would you like to meet me in person?
I am pleased that you want to understand me and my "secrets." You are one of the
few who know of my secrets. Now the Ramseys know. I wonder how they reacted to
all those mails.
You said, "Next obvious question, though I don't think you will answer it: was it
at a pageant that you first realized your passion for, and attraction to,
JonBenet? Did you feel proud other at thos competitions?" You are correct that I
will not answer this question. I am sorry. I will be writing on the subject of
pageants but only to address the issue of pageants in general. I will reveal
something to you. Had JonBenet lived in Atlanta, where the Ramseys should have
remained
she would have known of a pageant meca in a little
town outside of Atlanta called Tucker. That is about all I will say about that.
Patricia has heard of the little girl pageant scene in Tucker. I will say that I
felt proud of her in the pageants mostly due to her wonderful responses to
questions and to her singing though I would like to have helped her more in that
area... I have helped little girls develop their vocal ability in the past. Some
were slated to sing on Broadway. I guess I should not have told you that... I was
very proud of JonBenet in and out of pageants. She was more extraordinary outside
of pageants.
You mentioned, "This leads me to wonder what she would be like if she were alive
today. Do you ever think about that, and do you think that you would still be
intimate with her?" We would still be close I would hope. I must tell you that
little girls march through my life like the four seasons. I have never hung around
long enough to see one of them grow up, it breaks my heart when I think of little
girls I was in love with being 17 now. I don't know if that makes sense to you. I
feel a sense of loss - the little girl and all that makes her a little girl is
gone. But I will say, I so wish JonBenet was here and alive and happy. She would
be a selfconfident, successful teenager. Her mother would still be somewhat active
in her life. They would still be close. She would be involved in an array of
extracurricular activities. And she would have been a brilliant student with a
future in pediatrics....
"I can see you almost as if you were a male model." That is such a wonderful
thing for you to say. Thank you so much. You know, I am not young anymore. It
hurts me to be getting older. I've done some
6
000743
modeling. The last modeling I did was in Europe and it happened only four years
ago. I have a background in that kind of thing..
"When I feel ready i will introduce you to my alter.." Now that, I want to hear.
You mentioned, "Perhaps however your "alter dark interests," have not always
involved consensual sex." That is incorrect. "Or involved intentionally rough sex,
consensual or not. Am I close?" That is somewhat correct only if you consider
binding and erotically asphyxiating a girl as being rough. Little girls love to be
rough with me, however. Isn't that unique? I have met numerous little girls who
love to hurt me physically in a playful and sexual context of course. It turns me
on intensely. I have been tied up by little girls much more than I have tied up
little girls. The little 8 year old in Europe liked to come to me, put herself
over my lap, pull up her dress and expose her hot little knicker covered bottom to
me and then ask for a spanking. I did that and it was heaven. I must admit that I
would like to have delivered the spanking with more force.
You wrote, "I repeat what i've said many times to you Daxis, I will never be
judgmental, but I do want to know everything. Everything!" Good. I will tell you
everything.
Thank you for confirming that I was a Prince to JonBenet and to many other little
girls. You asked, "Were there occasions however when you perhaps were less than
princely?" I don't understand this. During sex? Sex is a sweet and exciting thing
that can be shared between a Prince and a Princess.
You wrote, "The 4 Ds. Interesting. What's the deviance, I can feel the
dynamism." My sexuality deviates from the norm. Deviance to me is not synonymous
with evil.
You wrote, "I seem to recall that she became a little cold. These are the kind of
details that are so compelling." I am glad they are compelling. I think the little
things about that night are the most important. She was a little cold. But I
warmed her up by holding her close to me. God, I loved that child.
You wrote, "the marks must have been made by the objects you described after you
undressed her." i believe that must have been the case. The cross must be the
answer. I might know if I saw a photo but I refuse to view those. Please do NOT
include any post mortem photos in the Daxis book. I do not think it is
appropriate. She was just a little girl. If not out of respect for me, please do
it out of respect for her mother and father. Photos of her funeral are different
entirely and should be included. I want to see and agree with you on which photos
to submit, please.
"I will ask them f they got up. I'd be very surprised if they said that they did
since they've been consistent about being asleep until Patsy got up around 5.30
am. As for Burke, who knows?" I hate to say this but I think that story was told
while the Ramseys were under police pressure. I heard something that sounded like
a person talking. It was NOT a man's voice but was either a child's voice or a
woman's voice.
Concerning the parallel in how Patricia found the note and how
follows:
I found
it is as
"And I looked down and I saw these little pieces of paper scattered on the rungs
of the stairs." Patricia Ramsey "Eden burns and my Princess lies dead. After a
night of pure
7
000744
ecstasy, all ended in tragedy. There was much to do. Unfortunately, the next event
would erase my plans for a funeral hoped for. I held
time for grieving, for apologies. It was abruptly interrupted when I looked down
and saw these little papers scattered on the floor."
Will you please make perfect Patricia's quote above? I want to know it word for
word. She said this to you during your interview. Please send her exact words from
that interview to me in an e-mail.
You wrote, "since the investigation took place after Christmas 1996, and you had
hidden the knickers some place away from your home, it is almost as if you
expecting that your house would be raided? But how could that be?" Michael, who is
to say that I did not do this only shortly after JonBenet's death as my best
attempt of a funeral for JonBenet and for me - for the memory of that night? Have
I told you that I hid the Little Gothic Coffin from the police or did I say that
it was safe from the police? I was merely trying to explain to you why I could
never have them on my person.
You further say, "So you secreted them away almost immediately,
that night which means they are in Boulder. If that ever got out the place would
be crawling with trophy hunters. What chance would they have? Not a lot
probably." I will not confirm that. There is enough supernatural power in that
Little Gothic Coffin to kill any trophy hunter. Otherwise, if I ever became aware
that anyone might retrieve it, I would kill them myself. A curse would be cast on
anyone attempting such a thing as was the case with King Tut's tomb. Why do you
think I refer to the box as the Little Gothic Coffin? I referred to this in my
outline sent to you weeks ago.
Thank you for responding to these two mails. Of course I hope for responses to
this mail and the other two in the past.
I want to tell you something to convey to John Ramsey on your call to him today
but I don't know much more to say than does that phone e-mail message states to
Patricia. There must be a way to take the pressure off of calling me. Then again,
I told you that I thought if I did not abide by the request of meeting them at
JonBenet's grave, they would simply ignore me. Surely, after I explained why this
was not possible, they understand and would still want any type of contact with
me. Just tell him what I said above about what I would say to him if I could talk
to him personally.
I want to say something to you that is not a response to any past mails including
this one. I told you that part of my half of the procedes from this book would be
given to the Ramseys as my gift to them and to atone for my sins. What I did not
tell you are the details of that gift. I want to share one of those details with
you now. I cry for my little girl when I think of the profound importance and
power of it: I want to pay for JonBenet's funeral. 1 want to pay for her
gravestone and the beautiful slab that protects her grave. I know her parents
would not understand that at all. I wish they could. I took JonBenet's life. It
was because of me that she had a funeral. I am responsible for it. I know the
Ramseys will say that they paid for it because it was their daughter and they
loved her. But she was my lover and I want to do that. I want to pay for her
funeral
It hurts so bad, Michael. How can I live for another
ten years without her? Maybe I will not. And if I die, I want to be placed by her
side.
Daxis
her after she died. I cannot tell you how long I held her. It
was a
8
000745
required
9
000746
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado,edu]
Thursday, June 15, 2006 11:57 PM
This came in tonight. M Michael,
Did you get my letter yesterday entitled "Her Funeral"? Did you talk to
John Ramsey? Did you send my e-mail to him? I am anxious to know what he
said. I am anxious to talk to Patricia.
Daxis
1
000747
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado,edu]
Saturday, June 17, 2006 11:20 AM
To:
He has sent me the first chapter of his book. I didn't want
to forward the attachment but will drop off a hard copy on
Monday. It is inevitably totally crazy, though not in any
ways I didn't expect. Your psychologists should have a
field day. This is one of those moments when I'm drawn back
to the thought that this is just a wannabe nut case. But
then when I re read it, I can see how he is echoing some of
his description of what happened with JonBenet, especially
re the age, and the need for blood as a form of renewal.
It's all insane, which doesn't mean he didn't do it. M
Michael,
I am sending the first chapter of "Daxis" entitled "Mommy
Dearest" It is in Microsoft Word format. Since I know you
own an Apple computer, I am concerned that you will not
be able to read the file properly and will lose the
formatting that I have worked so hard on. The entire book
has been formatted carefully in similar style which took
hours. I merely excerpted "Mommy Dearest" so you would
not see my unfinished chapters as of yet. Apple computers
such as yours are supposed to be able to read Microsoft
Word documents just fine. I hope this is the case with
your Apple.
Please listen carefully. Please do NOT quote any
part of this chapter and place it in an e-mail.
Please store this document carefully and do not
allow anyone but a publisher to view it.
Please know that this chapter was most difficult to
write. I would suggest that you read it more than once.
My mother's terminology and phraseology was complicated
and intense and would require a reread. I am concerned
that this will color me totally different in your eyes
and in the eyes of those who will read it. Further, it
concerns me that the events that occurred between my
mother and me will be somehow be connected to JonBenet. I
know that such is inevitable but should not in any way
suggest that I would have ever intentionally killed
JonBenet. I pray that this will resonate throughout the
book. On the other hand, I cannot conceal what happened
between my mother and me. It was a major part of my life.
Please confirm the receipt of this very important chapter.
1
000748
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Sunday, June 18, 2006 10:04 AM
Michael,
"I haven't managed to get through to John yet. I think he sometimes
turns his cell phone off."
The irony of that is that I keep my phone on most of the time and
NEVER receive a call. I think it is useless that I have provided
phone numbers.
"I'm a little confused here. Are you saying that hen you were talking
about the other murdered girl she assumed that you were referring to
JonBenet. What as it that you said that would lead her to that
assumption?"
That is not exactly what the case was. I am not sure how her mind
worked. She basically took everything I said and blew out of
proportion. People are very closed minded about anything to do with
talk of murdered little girls or anything else remotely unique about
little girls, especially in the U.S.
"Why would your telling her you knew JonBenet evoke such a
reaction?"
Michael, how many people do you know who have personally known
JonBenet Ramsey? How should I know why it evoked a response in that
idiotic lunatic? My first attorney was so impressed with my
connection to JonBenet that she went off the deep end. She asked me
if I killed JonBenet - her eyes all aglow with anticipation. And I
responded to her that it could never be proved. Eventually, she
dismissed herself off my case.
"Also in 1997, there would have been all kinds of people talking
about JonBenet."
Talking about her and saying I knew her personally are two different
things. The informant also thought that I had suggested to her that I
was sexually attracted to little girls. I NEVER did that. I was
merely talking of certain of my favorite little girls and how I loved
them. There was no mention of sex. I did not become aware of her
notions so much until I was reading them in an investigation report.
The more I discuss this with you and get your reactions, the more I
think I should remove any mention of an investigation from the book.
""I was talking to him on the telephone after he first found out
and he instantly asked, "Does this have something to do with the
little girl in Colorado?""
"You are referring here to the investigation with regards to the 12
year old I assume, which he then somehow also confused with
JonBenet."
There were multiple investigations that took place in several states
and involved federal and state law enforcement agencies. This grand
scale investigation occurred simultaneously. Understand?
1
000749
"One of the things I've often wondered about since you told me that your
father knew about your attraction to young girls was what he said. How did
he judge it? Was he worried about it or did he simply accept it as an
aspect of your sexuality which he felt he had to accept."
He was very much worried. He was understanding in a sense but thought it
was morally wrong which caused tension between us. He accepted it only
because he knew I was who I was and because he loved me in his own way.
"It sounds to me that he was a loving father. You certainly
refer to him more than you do your mother. Is that because she was
less loving towards you. What you have told me about the contents of
"Daxis," would seem to suggest that."
Of course, by now you have read "Mommy Dearest" and know that your
assumption is totally incorrect. My father either loved me or hated me. In
other words, at times, he thought I was the greatest and at other times, he
called me a bastard. He abandoned me as a child. I loved my father but we
had some great issues between us. I think that if he is alive today, he is
very much worried about me but I don't know this to be true. He might also
curse me and be glad I am gone.
""But my father seemed to know. Actions speak loudly.""
"What do you mean by this last comment. it seems to be in relation to
your father."
Since I used the
referring to the
to her grave and
the actions that
term "father", it was in relation to him. I was
earlier description of his knowledge of my many visits
witnessing my grief when I spoke of her. Those were
spoke loudly.
"Do you mean the Daxis that i have come to know through these mails is not
the real Daxis? Or perhaps you are suggesting that you want to
round out the portrait."
Of course the Daxis you see in these mails is the real Daxis. I meant, the
story is incomplete. You've read "Mommy Dearest" by now, hopefully. That
single chapter alone should prove that you have only skimmed the surface
of knowing me by only accounts of my relationship with JonBenet Ramsey.
"I don't think I will but I suppose I can only fully respond to that
observation wen i have read what you have written. I accept what you
say about your feelings for JonBenet."
If after reading the chapters of my book, you get any impression that I
did anything less than love JonBenet, it would be a tragedy. But then, I
must tell the truth about my childhood and the life I lived prior to and
after my connection with JonBenet.
"that would be indeed extremely frustrating. In getting a phone, i've
been trying to find a plan that will be least expensive. Yours truly
does not have a lot of spare cash these days."
You will be billed for calling a number in Bangkok. Maybe that will
2
000750
help you when you are picking out the best plan. I am sorry to cost you
anything. I know professors are not wealthy. Of course, I am a little
disappointed that my providing phone numbers to both you and the Ramseys
has been seen as such a disadvantage or of no value at all. I thought I was
doing something really brave and I thought it would be received with much
.... enthusiasm? I know it must mean a lot to you. Just sad to know that my
phone remains silent and seems to be destined for silence.
""Could you ever have imagined, when you were interviewing the Ramseys,
that someday you would be interviewing their daughter's killer?""
"Err ... no. This communication between us and the information you have
given me has proved to be not just an extraordinary experience but
one that was totally unexpected."
Profound statement I made up there... Do you want to call me? Do you
want to meet me?
""Of your words on John and his absence by Patricia's side when in
Tennessee, I can only say that I could have said more about the matter.""
"Then why don't you. As I wrote to you in a previous email, the oddity of
his spending time away from her at this critical juncture had not
occurred to me until you pointed it out. I wonder whether he is trying to
keep up a sense of normality, or that he is in some kind of
denial. I know that is public image is of the somewhat aloof, almost
emotionless executive type. I really don't know him well enough to be
able too make a judgment."
I don't further comment because I don't want you to think I hate John
Ramsey. But now that you have asked, I will say that I do not understand
why a husband would be away from his wife if he thinks she is dying. As a
husband, I would want to be the last face my wife saw before her death.
Such was the case between JonBenet and me. That is why I wanted you to
convey, the message word for word to them several weeks ago: "Please tell
Patricia and John that I love them and I won't leave their daughter." In
that earlier quote, I used "the Ramseys" while just now, I used "Patricia
and John". That personal quote is actually heavily influenced by another
similar quote from a favored film. I have remained by JonBenet's side even
in death. Will John visit Patricia's grave and weep for her as I have with
JonBenet? His actions described by you above only further convince me that
you are approaching the wrong person to set up talks between Patricia and
me. I know of another person who would likely be the right one but I am not
prepared to reveal that in light of my past connection with Patricia's
family and especially since you have already started with John. It would
cause confusion and would offend him. That is the last thing we need to do
at this point. I personally believe that he is not talking to you anymore that his phone IS turned on but he is simply not receiving YOUR calls.
Michael, you still have not told me if you forwarded that mail I sent to
you with the phone numbers, to John's e-mail account. Please do that for
me?
"Two reactions to this: why not ask for a $100000, or much more , say
$1000000, which would have made a lot more sense in terms of making
3
000751
the note look look like a real ransom note. In fact, the thing that
made me a t least think that there was less to the note than met the
eye was the bizarre amount. It did have the effect though of raising
suspicions about the Ramseys since the amount was believed to be the
almost exact amount of the net bonus from the previous year."
First, I had no knowledge of John Ramsey's bonus amount. I also had no
intention of linking a murder to her parents as the note was written prior
to JonBenet's accidental death. The note was written to derail law
enforcement and only while I had JonBenet with me, very much alive. Hence,
why would it make sense that I would direct a note against parents who
would, at that point, be waiting at home for the safe return of their
child?
I will tell you that I assumed that the Ramseys would not have one million
dollars in their bank account. Do you not see how asking for an
astronomical amount would have been perceived as being just as outrageous
as asking for what seems to be a low amount yet within the practical means
of the Ramseys to provide quickly? In other words, even if the Ramseys DID
have one million dollars in their bank account, they would not have had
time to come up with such a huge amount by the next morning whereas an
amount of slightly over $100,000 would have been a possible amount to
gather up quickly and by the next morning.
Why would it have made a lot more sense to say one million dollars, as you
put it? Why not $500,000? Why not consider that I wrote that note in haste
and that it was not planned until the last minutes prior to the Ramseys'
return that night; therefore, I simply came up with an amount that I
thought logical at the time? I recall asking for a certain amount of
anything in excess of $100,000 to be presented in smaller notes like
fifties or twenties or tens in denomination. Was not that the case? If so,
did it not lead one to think there was an elaborately planned kidnapping
all the way down to money note denominations?
Who is to say that that note might not have been followed by other notes
had I taken JonBenet with me that night? The lower amount would have been
only the beginning of a string of other money amounts to be demanded in
future notes. Am I saying I planned to do that? No. Would law enforcement
have deducted that had they not honed in on Patricia as the prime suspect?
Very probably, yes. And this is where this note with my intention to
mislead the police went totally astray. Though the note served its purpose
to deceive and derail law enforcement by pointing to Patricia instead of
me, it would have been more effective if the police had been more
intelligent in how they interpreted the note as it would have pointed to,
let's say, a foreign faction? I point out the use of the term "beheaded" as
a prime example of how the note should have pointed to a foreign faction.
The way the words are blatantly misspelled should point to a foreign
writer. Did I think the note would look like a real ransom note? Hopefully
so yet possibly not. And how profound a statement is that, Michael? It has
been written that Satan is the Author of confusion. You can consider me
Satan in this matter. Did I ever say the note was well thought out or
perfectly written? Never. Those things seemingly simple and inferior can
lead to a confusion that will baffle pure genius.
"Wise decision, but there has been a huge effort to pin it on Patsy. She
was made to give numerous handwriting samples, and the cops kept leaking
that their experts couldn't exclude her. If there had been an indictment
it would have been exhibit #1."
4
000752
Thank you for telling me that. Having no knowledge of the
that followed, less your interview with the Ramseys, I am
know certain things about the case. But was it not proved
writing analysis that Patricia could not have written the
could it have been "exhibit A"?
investigation
interested to
after hand
note? If so, how
"I picked up on this and had another look at it. You are correct in that
while is ordered, for example, the left margin, written on the lines, the
handwriting is shaky. hadn't really see that before. Interesting. And I
think you implied that this was because you wrote it with your left hand."
That is correct. Are you telling me that no one has ever picked up on
that? No one has ever mentioned how messy the writing was or even of the
misspelled words? Amazing.
"That's absolutely correct, but it led them to Patsy."
I am sorry for that. Through my in depth explanations as will be written
in the book, do you not believe I can set all this right and prove that
Patricia did NOT write the note? This is all I can do.
""She was curious about sex and open to things I wanted to do with
her.'11'
"Such as? You've never quite filled in those details. Are they
difficult to recall?"
They are private to recall.
"A magical Princess. What a fascinating concept."
Have I not conveyed this ideaology to you in the past?
"How did the 8 year old like to be tied up, and did she implicitly suggest
it. I believe you said that she brought the rope to you."
She liked for me to tie her wrists. There was no rope. She produced scarves
and anything else one could use to bind her and to bind me. Rope is not a
common thing lying about in a little girl's house or bedroom. She tied ME
up as well.
"I'm sorry to hear about the nervous breakdown. I had one back in 1998, as
i think implied before. I still suffer from panic attacks
and depression. It can be an awful feeling, like some other entity taking
over one's whole persona."
Thank you for your sympathy. Thank you also for sharing about yourself. I
too am sorry you had to go through something like that. Was it linked to
JonBenet? I did not experience another entity taking over my persona. I was
overcome by grief and in deep shock. My breakdown, if it could be
considered as such, was post traumatic stress related and much as a soldier
experiences after intense battle. I experienced tremendous depression and
memory loss. You have to understand that I had to keep this all a secret
and I continued to work - as a teacher.
"I think of you as her lover and friend and confidant. I don't think of
you as hr killer rather as someone who was unfortunately involved in her
death, unintentionally."
Thank you very much. I had perceived that from your responses here but
really think I needed to hear you state it emphatically.
5
000753
""I want you to know that I did not brutally assault her precious little
private parts while she was alive. OK? Do you understand me? Please?""
"But what about the penetration with the piece of wood and the tasting of
her blood. That seemed to have been a deeply erotic expereince for you. Are
you saying that this occurred after she was dead?"
Just reread my very powerful statement above.
"But an MO is only of use if there is a patter, other cases. Is that
what you are telling me?"
No, of course not. I thought you would come to that conclusion
eventually. MO's are used in every way possible by criminal psychologists
and criminal profilers. Every minute detail is used to link a crime with
a killer. Before I proceed with all this criminology talk, I want you to
know that I am not a professional criminal and do not want to be thought
as a criminal mastermind though such will probably be perceived from
those who read the Daxis book. I depended on my knowledge of the tactics
of law enforcement along with my much more vast knowledge of human
psychology. I have much experience in psychology - not in criminology.
""Recall the tape on her mouth?""
"Wasn't that because you didn't want her to bleed from her mouth?" Then it
proved to serve a dual purpose.
"I could see that, and yes it has to be in the nonfiction category. I am by
the way a great admirer of Mailer, particularly his journalism."
If I were you, I'd take a look at Mailer's "Executioner's Song". There had
to be a reason why he could not get the book published under a different
genre. It is worth a bit of research. Do you have faith that you will find
a publisher who will take on a book of such great controversy? My chapter
entitled "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" will delve into the sexual
attraction for little girls as it has never been revealed in a published
book before. That is only one example of the controversial nature of the
book. It will have to bear a warning at the beginning that "some might find
the following material disturbing." I am very worried that you will not
find a publisher and the book will remain a secret. Please assure me that
this will not be the case?
"Do you mean talking about her after the book is out. Given its content
i don't think a book tour is on the cards."
I know there will be no book tour for me. You will be the one getting that
kind of attention. I do think, with my ability to talk as I did to you on
the phone, that it is a pity that I will never be interviewed after the
book is published. But you know me well enough to know that such would be
impossible.
"It was "cunt." I recall at the time being surprised by your use of this
term. it is harsh isn't it, not loving."
Why are such terms not loving? it is erotic. How could it not be loving
if I said, "I love your hot little cunt, my darling little lover." I
think your reaction above is the main reason I am reluctant to share the
more sexually erotic aspects of my relationship with JonBenet.
6
000754
"She feels this intuitively, yes?"
Little girls I love feel they are in my special favour because of the
special attention I give to them. I never hesitate to speak such things as,
"Oh my sweet darling, you are so pretty and unbelievably sexy. I love you
so much and want you so badly." And I say those things in the midst of
heavy affection. How would any little girl NOT feel they are in my special
favour after such expression? My affectionate gestures towards them are
even more powerful than my words.
"Why do you think though that in this instance you will not get to have
her."
You just cannot know how rare it is to get the chance to have sex with a
little girl. I ache to be with a little girl like the one I have told you
of.
"It is, and the issue of DNA will not be raised with the Ramseys. They will
simply have to live with a level of personal vindication. You
will understand that what i mean by this is that there would be no
way that they couldget public vindication, at least possibly until a
book appears, since no one will believe them."
Those who love them and know them well will believe them instantly and that
will initially help them greatly. Of course, those who care for them never
believed they were guilty. Michael, you are still placing too much
importance on vindication and not enough on their emotional closure. This
is not all about that murder case. This is something very personal and
emotional if only the Ramseys will allow me into their lives. Sometimes I
feel no one is listening to me. They lost a child. I am their "help" in
more ways than through a vindication. I am here to console them. You seem
to imply that they will benefit solely from a vindication and that if this
does not occur that their connection with me otherwise is useless. Try to
think beyond vindication. Let us say that no one ever thought they killed
their daughter and I surfaced in their lives. would not such a connection
with the last person their daughter was with alive, not be of paramount
value - to bring closure through forgiveness and understanding of all the
events of that night with their child? Why must I explain this? Why is it
not obvious?
"I understand. What is amazing is that given your fear you were still
willing to send the phone number. What I don't quite understand is
why you were worried that he might try and trace the English # but not the
other. He wouldn't try and trace either, and he knows that the cops would
care less."
The hell the cops would care less
I never said I was afraid he would
only want to trace the number in England.
"I wasn't speaking of law enforcement, you were. But I can
understand your anxiety."
That is not true, Michael. You brought this issue up when you wrote that
John wanted her killer to be caught. You continued to mention it several
times after that. I did NOT initiate the conversation about the Ramseys
going to the police. As a matter of fact, I responded to your initial
comment that John wanted the killer to be
7
000755
caught with, "This changes everything."
"Absolutely, and since you convinced me I can't see why you wont
convince an awful lot of other people."
It is important to me to be believed
Do you think the Ramseys believe
me? I am not sure after reading John's comment, "We are not convinced that
Daxis killed our daughter".
"""I'll resend it Daxis, he of the velvety voice." God, I love it when
you talk to me like that.""
"Why do you think that is? I'm flattered, but slightly puzzled as to why
such comments by me are so important to you."
If this is your way of taking back something I considered a
compliment, you have achieved your mission.
"This last question surprised me, as I said in the email I sent you last
night how would this work. You are out of the country. I don't travel much.
The only place I'm likely to visit anytime soon is the
UK, assuming that a research grant proposal that i recently
submitted
to CU is awarded. So what exactly did you have in mind. I can understand
that a face to face discussion about the book would be useful. the prac
tical issues though seem to be fairly considerable."
Your response is surprising. I have been surprised by a lot of things
lately, though. I have offered phone contact to you and to the Ramseys, to
no avail. Now, I am offering a personal meeting. Of course, I cannot meet
you in the U.S. You would have to visit me in prison. I am not going to
prison if I can help it. I have not been running for all these years to
risk something like that. If you wanted to meet me, you would have to come
where I am at the time or to a nearby place to where I am at the time. You
know, Michael, that I am constantly changing locations. I thought it was
important to you to meet me face to face; therefore, I offered the
opportunity. And that, it shall remain - an opportunity that you will never
act upon.
""I have helped little girls develop their vocal ability in the past.
Some were slated to sing on Broadway. I guess I should not have told
you that...I'll
11Why shouldn't you have told me that?"
My response to that question would speak volumes.
"How old are you by the way. My sense is that you are youthful
looking 40 year old. C'est vrai?"
How do you know my age? I am 41. And I am told constantly that I am a
youthful 41 year old. I was a beautiful 30 year old which was my
approximate age when JonBenet loved me.
• You wrote, "since the investigation took place after Christmas
1996, and you had hidden the knickers some place away from your
• home, it is almost as if you expecting that your house would be
• raided? But how could that be?" Michael, who is to say that I did
• not do this only shortly after JonBenet's death as my best
•
attempt
8
000 156
• of a funeral for JonBenet and for me - for the memory of that
•
night? Have I told you that I hid the Little Gothic Coffin from
the
• • police or did I say that it was safe from the police? I was merely
• trying to explain to you why I could never have them on my person.
"Your distinction here is interesing but confusing. I thought you said
that you hid the box immediately, ie. that night."
Reread what I wrote above. Also, I did not say to you that the box was
hidden immediately. I said the box was..sealed immediately and never
reopened. That does not say that it was NOT hidden immediately. However,
sealed and hidden are two different concepts.
• I want to say something to you that is not a response to any past
• mails including this one. I told you that part of my half of the
• • procedes from this book would be given to the Ramseys as my. gift
to
•
•
them and to atone for my sins. What I did not tell you are the
details of that gift. I want to share one of those details with
you
• now. I cry for my little girl when I think of the profound
• importance and power of it: I want to pay for JonBenet's funeral.
> I
•
want to pay for her gravestone and the beautiful slab that
protects
• her grave. I know her parents would not understand that at all. I
• wish they could. I took JonBenet's life. It was because of me
that
•
she had a funeral. I am responsible for it. I know the Ramseys will
• say that they paid for it because it was their daughter and they
• loved her. But she was my lover and I want to do that. I want to
• pay for her funeral
It hurts so bad, Michael. How can I
live
•
•
for another ten years without her? Maybe I will not. And if I die,
I want to be placed by her side.
"Heathcliffe and Cathy again. To be honest, I don't recall you saying
9
000757
that you wanted to give the Ramseys money. For some reason I missed that."
Michael, your reaction is amazing in light of something so sensitive and
important as what I conveyed concerning JonBenet's funeral. I was
practically in tears while I wrote it.
I do want to clarify that I was speaking of every aspect of her funeral her coffin, the cost of transporting her from Colorado to Atlanta - all the
way down to her gravestone. I most certainly DID tell you in the past that
I wanted to give part of my profits from the book to the Ramseys:
Sea of Words (May 15th 2006)
"Ok, but what great works do you have in mind?"
""Ok but?" One thing I wish to do is to create great works for little
girls including and not limited to a school for girls or maybe more than
one school for girls - to pay them back for all they have done for me. If
the Ramseys will accept me, I would like to help them through their
financial troubles. There is more I would like to do.""
The Way I Carried Her (Saturday, May 20, 2006)
""It would be ironic if Mrs. Ramsey wanted such for me after I told you
that I wanted to use my 50 percent of the profits from the Daxis book
(something you never responded to and I noticed) to help them
financially.""
And now again, I am referring to something in specific that really has
LESS to do with helping the Ramseys financially and MORE to do with my
responsibility for the death of this child. I want to pay for my little
girl's funeral
Daxis
required
10
000758
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Sunday, June 18, 2006 1:12 PM
Bennett, Tom
Tom, I will drop off a copy of his "Mommy Dearest," tomorrow, When would be a good
time. Also, I believe you said that you were meeting tomorrow. i'd really like to
know what you want me to do about 1) calling him; 2) telling him that I might be
seeing the Ramseys soon; 3) the question of his proposing to meet.
BTW, I thought his description in todays message about the amount of money
demanded in the ransom note was fascinating. M
1
000759
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey (Michael. Tracey@colorado.edu]
Sunday, June 18, 2006 10:35 PM
Tom, I had a long conversation with John tonight. It seems clear that Patsy
is coming to the end. He was told a couple of days ago, as you may already
know, that Patsy "had 24 hours." We are beyond that, but it is clearly
dire. Forgive me for stating what i am sure is obvious to the law
enforcement community but I wonder if Daxis, if he is in the US - I admit
I'm not sure he is -- couldn't resist being at the funeral service,
especially if that were to be in Marietta. Just a thought. And to
reiterate, and ahead of your meeting, I would love to meet this prick,
wherever it is. M
1
000760
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu] Sent:
Monday, June 19, 2006 10:14 AM To: Bennett, Tom; Andrew
Smit
d'ya get the slight impression that he wants to chat...?
From: december1996@hushmail.corn Subject:
Calling Me
Date: June 19, 2006 5:31:33 AM MDT To:
Michael.Tracey c@colorado.edu
Michael,
I advise that you check into the best long distance plan for you. Until then, you
might try some of the ideas I have provided below so that you might call me
prior to finding that ideal long distance plan. I do not want these ideas to hinder
your plans to purchase a phone and get the best plan. Please keep trying. Please
keep in mind that you will be calling a mobile phone from a mobile phone and
rates might be slightly higher. The other issue to consider is audio quality in
using these services. In other words, Sprint and AT&T will have a better quality
than will any of these services.
The following are two methods for dialing long distance:
1. Consider a dial around prefix only if you are using your own personal
phone and can pay for the calls via a phone bill.
Dial Around Tutorial
htt //www callsense.com/resources/dialaroundnumbers.htm
Dial Around Services Worlwide http://www,dialaroundworld.com One Dial
Around Service http://www.1010432.com/
2. Consider Long Distance Phone Cards. This should allow you to call from any
phone without incurring charges to that phone. In other words, this would allow
you to call me from your office without incurring a bill on your office phone. Calls
from your office are not ideal for our privacy but something I would consider to
enable you to make calls to me. The problem in the U.S. might be finding one that
allows international calls. Ideally, you can purchase these cards locally; though, I
have supplied contacts on the web for online ordering.
Popular Phone Card Vendor FAQ http://www.tei3.com/faq.aspx Phone Card
Vendor Rate Info http //www_te,l3.coin/intlrates.aspx
000761
6/19/2006
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Phone Card Info http-://www,gAl--I-sensg,gom/rz4pkirpqs-lph-QrlpQards,htm
Phone Cards for Calling Thailand bttp://www.nokicom.com/no4t,lpQm/jsp/prodLiptselection/prQduclselecti on.jsp?from_country=l &to_country=275
Phone Card Vendor
Michael, your calls to me are important. Otherwise, I wouldn't be trying to help
you save money on the calls. I hope it doesn't make me look tacky in any way.
I'm just trying to help. Surely money is not the reason the Ramseys have not
called me.... Remember, 1 am not guaranteeing any of these products. They are
just ideas. Webphone is another option but the quality is formidable. Hope this
helps you and expedites a call to me.
Daxis
bttp://www,hushm4il.cQm/qpTio,'?]=480
Get the best prices on SSL certificates from Hushmail htt
.p-q;/4www.hush5-sl,cQm?P:74$5
000762
6/19/2006
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Monday, June 19, 2006 10:17 AM
Hi Michael,
Thanks for the response. I received three copies of it your
response to Not a King's Ransom - An Excerpt. All were in
various states of completion. I have noticed that you start
to trail off on your responses to my mails as you get closer
to the end. It usually starts about midpoint. That is
actually unfortunate as the last part of the mail is just as
important as the start. Just an observation. Maybe something
you might consider.
I take it you will not be responding to my first chapter.
That is sad. I will wait to send the second chapter until you
respond in some way to the first. Please remember not to
quote my chapter in a mail. I suppose no response could do
justice to such an account as I shared. I think you might be
in shock. I wasn't sure how you would respond to it. I think
the Ramseys should see it soon. I might ask you to forward it
to them sometime soon. But then, they are ignoring me so I am
not so keen on sending anything.
I have been spending over 12 hours per day on the Daxis book.
For the past two days, I have been reading each of my past
mails to you and categorizing them within the sections of the
book. It is a painstaking operation. I have made a few
observations as I have reviewed the mails. First, I have kept
in mind that the Ramseys have read these very mails. I
discovered that they now know the name Mike Sandrock and know
of my concern that he has my photo. I would not have had them
know of him for anything in this world. Again, he is serving
to be the leak in my anonymity. I wonder if there would be a
discrete way for you to find out if John Ramsey has made
efforts to contact him. Please no comments that such would be
outrageous as nothing in my life has been common??? The other
issue that concerns me is that the Ramseys now know of my
reference of a female accomplice that might have been
present. I wonder if they can put that to rest. I have been
impressed with the huge amount of information that I have
shared in such a short amount of time. It makes me wonder
what came over me. It is like reading the transcripts from my
confession. There is also a constant theme of my asking for
your responses. Sad. More than anything, it is painful to
reread the accounts. The stress I was under while sharing
those events certainly affected the clarity or lack thereof.
And finally, it is amazing how much I have not shared.
Michael, I have no idea where you get the idea that I am
angry at you. My current state is calm and depressed. OK?
Please reread the Reverend Cain quote and the words around it
and help me understand how that seemed angry. I think from
your comment about knowing my age that you are the one who is
quite irritated that I know what kind of computer you use.
Michael, what does my knowing the kind of computer you use
have to do with you knowing my age and especially the age I
was at the time I knew JonBenet? My knowledge is based in
technology and my deep understanding of such. I know when I
am communicating with an Apple computer. And your knowledge
concerning the knowledge of my age is based in what?
Certainly not technology.
I hope to get a call from you soon. I had hoped for this
weekend but you seem to be very busy with something else at
the time. That
1
000763
is not an insult, just an observation.
This was meant to be a note. Brevity has never been my strong point and why
should it be? I'm a man with a lot to say - at least after remaining silent
for ten years. I am off to respond to the more meaningful of your
responses. I am always appreciative of your mails. You do realize, of
course, that I would like to write to you more often....
Daxis
required
2
000764
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Tuesday, June 20, 2006 7:00 AM
Michael,
"I've been out all day, lecturing, meetings in Denver. Thanks for this,
and the other mail."
I sent TWO other mails besides this one. I will paste the shorter of the
two "Various Observations" in this mail. The other mail was entitled "Did
You Kill JonBenet Ramsey?" This was the more important of the two. Please
let me know if you go that one.
"Sorry this is so brief, but I really am energy low tonight - maybe I
need a check up since I seem to be easily fatigued these days."
That concerns me. I have noticed a big change in you since just before John
Ramsey sent his letter to you - just prior to our phone conversation. Are
you getting proper sleep? I'm not. I have been staying up until 2 AM
working on this book. Are you eating properly? I'm not. Are you drinking
more? I drink every night but stricly moderate. Maybe you do need to go for
a check up.
"More tomorrow"
This always means more tomorrow night. It would be nice if you could give
me some of your daytime energy hours instead of waiting until late night to
respond. I guess you are out all day. Whatever the case, I am so far ahead
of you in responses that I cannot write to you anymore. This is fairly sad
for several reasons.
I have finally reviewed and categorized in the book, some 200 emails. It
was a daunting process. I worked on it over 12 hours per day virtually
nonstop for several days. I wonder often if I am wasting my time on a book
no one will ever see. I have three categories aside from the book that I
have yet to know how to place in the book. There are a little less than 100
pages in the book with the e-mail entries in rough draft. All must be
edited and some will be removed.
Reviewing the mails took a lot out of me emotionally. I have been thinking
of JonBenet even more lately. My guilt is growing. My concern for the
state I left her in is building. My concern for what I did to her parents
and their refusal to allow me to make up for it is punishing. I wish I
could talk to you about all these things but you are responding to my
mails at the rate of every three days and you still haven't responded to
two mails from the past that I know you want to forget.
Maybe I will hear from you tomorrow during the day. I have no control over
you or the Ramseys. Maybe it doesn't matter. I have kept this secret for
ten years. I might as well take it to my grave. Please see the mail below.
Please don't make me wait 24 more hours only to get a response to the one
below and not to the more important one described above. I really could use
a friend now. You know? Daxis
Various Observations
1
000765
From: Daxis <decemberl996@hushmail.com>
To: Michael Tracey <Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu> Date:
Mon, 19 Jun 2006 07:25:22 +0200
Hi Michael,
Thanks for the response. I received three copies of it your response to Not
a King's Ransom - An Excerpt. All were in various states of completion. I
have noticed that you start to trail off on
your responses to my mails as you get closer to the end. It usually
starts about midpoint. That is actually unfortunate as the last part of
the mail is just as important as the start. Just an observation. Maybe
something you might consider.
I take it you will not be responding to my first chapter. That is sad. I
will wait to send the second chapter until you respond in some way to the
first. Please remember not to quote my chapter in a
mail. I suppose no response could do justice to such an account as I
shared. I think you might be in shock. I wasn't sure how you would respond
to it. I think the Ramseys should see it soon. I might ask you to forward
it to them sometime soon. But then, they are ignoring me so I am not so
keen on sending anything.
I have been spending over 12 hours per day on the Daxis book. For the past
two days, I have been reading each of my past mails to you
and categorizing them within the sections of the book. It is a painstaking
operation. I have made a few observations as I have reviewed the mails.
First, I have kept in mind that the Ramseys have read these very mails. I
discovered that they now know the name Mike Sandrock and know of my concern
that he has my photo. I would not have had them know of him for anything in
this world. Again, he is serving to be the leak in my anonymity. I wonder
if there would be a discrete way for you to find out if John Ramsey has
made efforts to contact him. Please no comments that such would
be outrageous as nothing in my life has been common??? The other issue that
concerns me is that the Ramseys now know of my reference
of a female accomplice that might have been present. I wonder if they can
put that to rest. I have been impressed with the huge amount of
information that I have shared in such a short amount of time. It makes me
wonder what came over me. It is like reading the transcripts from my
confession. There is also a constant theme of my asking for your
responses. Sad, More than anything, it is painful to reread the accounts.
The stress I was under while sharing those events certainly affected the
clarity or lack thereof. And finally, it is amazing how much I have not
shared
Michael, I have no idea where you get the idea that I am angry at you. My
current state is calm and depressed. OK? Please reread the Reverend Cain
quote and the words around it and help me understand how that seemed angry.
I think from your comment about knowing my age that you are the one who is
quite irritated that I know what kind of computer you use. Michael, what
does my knowing the kind of
computer you use have to do with you knowing my age and especially the age
I was at the time I knew JonBenet? My knowledge is based in
technology and my deep understanding of such. I know when I am
communicating with an Apple computer. And your knowledge concerning
the knowledge of my age is based in what? Certainly not technology.
2
000766
I hope to get a call from you soon. I had hoped for this weekend but you
seem to be very busy with something else at the time. That is not an
insult, just an observation.
This was meant to be a note. Brevity has never been my strong point
and why should it be? I'm a man with a lot to say - at least after
remaining silent for ten years. I am off to respond to the more meaningful
of your responses. I am always appreciative of your mails. You do realize,
of course, that I would like to write to you
more often.... Daxis
required
3
000767
Bennett, Tom
To:
Here's today's. Tom you've presumably heard my somewhat rambling voice
message. I must admit to having been really down last night. However, I had
a thought. One of the constant themes in the mails is Daxis talking about
being at the grave because he wants to be close to JonBenet. There was one
where he implied that he actually physically wanted to be with her in the
grave. This email below only confirms this need he has. I replied by saying
that this was a Heathcliffe/Cathy scenario ie. in Wuthering Heights the
dark figure Heathcliffe at the end of the book wants to be buried in the
same grave with his long time love Cathy. Daxis, even though he claimed not
to have read the book, recognized the allusion immediately. The thought
that occurred to me was that when Patsy passes it should be made clear to
him, whether it is true or not, that she is going to buried with JonBenet
ie. they are going to open up her grave. I have this strong, strong feeling
that the idea of his being there for that moment is something he could not
resist.
The other thought I had relates to his references to the "female," whom he
seems to both want to mention and to take out of the picture. Telling you
something that you already know, DNA samples were taken from a number of
women who were not family, which suggests that there was female foreign DNA
discovered, which suggests that his first reference to the female may have
been a slip of the tongue. m
Michael,
"Daxis, yes I did get it, and will be responding."
So you did use my name. Thank you. I must stop sending such mails that
are so difficult for you to respond to.
"Daxis, I have to admit that I'm not sure what that would look like.
You are already an amazingly extensive writer."
I have been refraining for some time now. Though you
have shut down on much. I don't really have a choice
dumping mails in your inbox with no response from you
that. The information is too valuable and intense to
a way. And so I will continue to refrain.
might not notice, I
unless I just start
and I will not do
be treated in such
"I'm either out or consumed with another writing project. You have to
remember that there are certain expectations on my as a professor in a
research university, not the least of which is to publish the kids
of things that academics are supposed to publish. The book is a series
of essays on media, culture and literacy. I started it 18 months ago,
and to be honest the subject matter really fascinates me,
particularly the questions around literacy. You use words well, and at
length, whereas most people do not because they cannot."
You are going to let me slip through your fingers and it won't hit you
until Christmas night. You think that would be impossible now but it is
easier than you think. I respect your responsibilities but I also respect
the Daxis book and its utter importance.
1
000768
"It is sometimes difficult to keep up with you. Not a criticism, merely
an observation."
That's what everyone says to me with the exception of little girls in my
life. It is part of the adult condition. The mother of a family of little
girls I lived with as a nanny in Europe called my letters to her after
their vacations - an epistle. It was a compliment and insult rolled into
one. She finally admitted to me that she loved my letters and always
looked forward to reading them. People treat me strangely.
"I really hope you do not stop writing, since I think there is much more to
hear from you."
That comment seems almost nonchalant. Surely i was not intended to be.
"I know you get frustrated when I am slow to reply, but would only ask
that i function in a different way to you, I m shall we say more
ponderous, which is unfortunate but when you get to my age it is what it
is. However, you should know that I have found, and find, our
communication the most fascinating, sometimes breath taking, experience of
my life. So to end it would be truly troubling."
Where did this come from? I was simply saying that my writing has lessened.
You seem prepared to shut the whole correspondence down? Amazing. You are
also offering a proposal to receive my mails and grant no response to them.
That is not going to work, Michael. You are going to shut me down. I told
you recently that I feel the Ramseys read all my past mails to you and
therefore have no need to talk to me since they know all. It was a mistake.
I have simply been bypassed by the Ramseys because I allowed you to send
all my precious mails to them. They don't need me now that they have all
the information. Maybe you feel the same. Horribly depressing.
""I have finally reviewed and categorized in the book, some 200 emails. It
was a daunting process.""
"I can imagine. Is 200 the # of emails you have sent me. I have never
properly counted but I do know that there are an awful lot."
Two hundred since September 1st 2005. Only 6 months technically - there
would have been more but you stopped talking to me for three months in the
middle of that time. There must have been that many mails or more sent to
you from the ziplip.com account. I asked for a copy of those mails.
"If I have my way, and I will "daxis," will be on bookshelves all over
the world."
I don't see that happening at this rate. I asked if you will be starting
the writing of my profile but you never even answered me. I am now
writing the Daxis book along with trying to maintain a correspondence
with you.
""I have three categories aside from the book that I have yet to know
how to place in the book.""
"I don't quite understand this."
I was not prepared to tell you but I will. One category is entitled
"Ramseys". I placed all the things I have written about their lack of
interest in me there. It does not belong in the book but might be useful
for something. The other category is that of the stun gun theory discount.
I am debating the placement of this in Daxis but
2
000769
will probably not place it there as I do not want this book to be one of
disproving theories. It would minimize the intensity of the overall
message. The final is a collection of comments I have made about my
attorneys which will probably be placed in the book under the
"Investigation" section. I am a very careful person about my writing.
"Mommy Dearest" was written, rewritten and heavily revised.
"So are you saying that the book draft is currently at 100 pages. What do
you think the final length will be? There are many, many sections in your
outline. It felt to me that it would end up in the 300 to 400
range ie. a big book."
This includes all the mails placed in position with chapters "Mommy
Dearest", "Pretty Little Boy", "About a Girl of Ten or Twelve" in their
completion state. I have less than half completed "Thank Heaven for Little
Girls". I don't know how many pages the book will be. I am not going to
unload a huge amount of information in the investigation section of the
book at this point. The final chapter "Dearest Mommy" will be all but
blank if the Ramseys have nothing to do with me which is the case. So
there are some dependent factors. The other is sheer inspiration. When I
feel I am doing this for nothing, I can't write anymore.
"Do you find that the writing is helping you in any way deal with the
memories of JonBenet?"
I have not written about JonBenet yet. I am trying to finish all the areas
that concern my life around her chapters. I will tell you that I am having
bad dreams at night from just having reviewed my mails about her death. I
used to recall her only as a smiling happy little girl but now, I am
having flashbacks of her final state. It is causing nightmares not
necessarily about JonBenet but about death and blood and suffering and I
stand in my dreams without helping those who suffer. But you know I tried
everything in my power to save JonBenet. Though I caused her death, I was
the only one who tried to save her - the only one capable.
"If you say the guilt is growing perhaps it isn't."
The guilt is growing. One of the reasons is due the fact that the Ramseys
are all but conveying to me that they have no intention of forgiving me
through their silence. I think it is past silence now. I think they
discount me as a liar. No matter; I know the truth and it is mine to own.
Furthermore, I deserve the intesne pain that my guilt gives.
"Or it could be that the whole manuscript
sense of release to be felt. Guilt though
burdens all of us too a greater or lesser
is unusually heavy. It can break even the
has to be complete for any
can be a cruel master. it
extent, and i guess your burden
strongest souls."
If the book is ever released, which, in my heart, I know it will not be:
the world's response to me will be almost welcome. They will load their
hate on me. They will punish me. They will despise me. And I will accept
it as my punishment for doing such a horrible thing to such a lovely
child. I might find comfort in the few, a rare few, who might express
understanding and forgiveness in a sense that a stranger could forgive.
The other comfort will be the ultimate one - to be with JonBenet where I
belong.
"I don't knowif I ever told you this, but when we had finished filming
in the house for the documentary i went down to the room, closed the
door and switched off the light. It was totally black, and I wanted to
feel her presence, to somehow connect. it was a
3
000770
remarkable experience."
If you respect me as her Closest, I will tell you that Her presence is at
her grave and not at that house. That is touching that you would do
something like that. I returned to 755 after her death. I felt her presence
outside the house - not inside. But then, I was not allowed to go into the
basement. Maybe I am trying to say that I believe her presence has
transcended from that basement. Her presence is where her body lies - at
her grave. If you want to hear JonBenet say my name, go to her grave.
""My concern for what I did to her parents and their refusal to allow
me to make up for it is punishing.""
"That will change I am sure."
In some general sense, it will change. But they will never give me a
personal connection - not even an e-mail address. It is so
pathetic. As time passes, I am getting more and more paranoid that
they are out to get me caught by the police. in other words, I am
beginning tolose my nerve to allow any contact. They'd better
hurry if they
talk to me. As a matter of fact, I am gearing
up for another vanishing soon.
want to
""I wish I could talk to you about all these things but you are
responding to my mails at the rate of every three days and you still
haven't responded to two mails from the past that I know you want to
forget.""
"which one's."
You've already forgotten those important mails
"Parents
of Daughters / My Excellent Rapport" and "My Mere Proximity". I would
be lucky just to get a response to "Did You Kill
" and
this one.
"My energy is back, though the number of things i have to do is daunting
- and the most daunting is helping you get through this, and i say that
from within a positive spirit,"
I really appreciate that you have taken on that enormous responsibility.
Michael, it is up to you and to me only to publish this book. while writing
this book, I feel fairly alone. Your help for getting through this book and
other issues such as a connection with the Ramseys and just listening and
responding to my pain is very wonderful. Thank you.
"Except the secret has now been revealed to me and the Ramseys."
That was a mistake on my part. They are done with me now. Again I
contend, I have simply been bypassed by the Ramseys because I allowed you
to send all my precious mails to them.
"Daxis, I understand. I feel the emotions of someone who is, along with the
burdens of memory, a very lonely person. Do you have any friends, you know,
people you can just hang out with, have a beer,
chat. somehow I just don't see it."
No. I have no contact with others. I live alone. I work on this book now
for hours on end. I don't leave my small room for days at a time. I have
become virtually agoraphobic. I am not teaching now and am also looking for
work via the Internet and having no luck. I have some pressure. No, I do
not have a friend. I talk only to you. And I know what you are going to
tell me now that I have told you that. Just save it. I am well versed in
psychology and know all the answers. Those answers have never helped me
4
00077 1
"Actually, this a problem I'm having with my emails. It isn't I haven't
written something, it's just that it doesn't save and then i have trouble
sending it. Any thoughts."
Go outside your mail program. I know which one you are using... I compose
my mails to you in notepad which is a text editor with no formatting. Don't
compose your mails in an elaborate editor like Mac's version of MS Word. In
other words, select and copy the text of my mails to you and go off line
and out of that mail program. Paste my mails into a simple text editor like
Mac's version of notepad. Save as you write. When finished, select and copy
from the editor, go back to the mail program and paste it all in a mail.
Make sure the formatting is friendly to read for me and ship it out.
""I have noticed that you start to trail off on your responses to my
mails as you get closer to the end. It usually starts about midpoint.""
"Hadn't noticed that, I must do something about it." Thank
you. I would appreciate that a lot.
"Of course I will respond. In fact, why not now, to be followed by other
thoughts as i continue to absorb its meaning. It was one of the most
intense pieces i have ever read."
Thank you.
"I kept going back and forth with the question, is this literal,
symbolic, allegorical, metaphorical or, all of these."
Thank you. I suppose it was all the above. I chose my style of writing
it very carefully.
"The description of your mother placing you in such a ritualistic way on
the pyre was horrific in the intensity of its description."
That description was so much less than the way it felt in real life. I
did my best to describe it but fell short.
"The importance of the age six leapt off the page."
I figured it would. I was also concerned that it might lead you to believe
that I had planned to kill JonBenet because she was six. That is not true.
"The fact of the intensity of your relationship with your mother and its
sexual nature brought me, i think, to a certain dramatic understanding
of how your sexuality was being formed and how it came to influence you
as you grew."
It influenced my sexuality greatly.
"What I couldn't see, and maybe this is to come in later chapters, is how
that led to your interest
in young girls. It was however to say the least fascinating, and clearly
will only grow in fascination as the whole narrative unfolds."
Pretty Little Boy" will bring you more understanding of that. It sets the
ground work for my connection with little girls. By the way, "Pretty Little
Boy", you will find, will be much more positive than the chapter you have
read.
5
0 00772
""I think the Ramseys should see it soon. I might ask you to forward it to
them sometime soon. But then, they are ignoring me so I am not so keen on
sending anything.""
"If you wish me to send it, let me know."
I have changed my mind. If I am important to them at all, they will provide
me with a direct e-mail address. No more relaying through you. This chapter
is way to sensitive and important. Yes, it is important for them to
understand me but they need to show me the respect of at least providing a
simple e- mail address - and I deserve the address you use. Again, they
have bypassed me and I will not allow it anymore. And that is that.
""I have been spending over 12 hours per day on the Daxis book.""
"That's excellent. i applaud the effort. I know how grueling these kinds
of things can be."
I feel very alone. It's hurting fairly much to write it. I deserve that
though.
"I don't think they have a clue as to who he is. He's not a very high
profile character.:
They have his first and last name. All they have to do is look him up in
the phonebook. I don't think they care enough about me to do anything like
that. I've been dismissed.
""a female accomplice that might have been present. I wonder if they
can put that to rest.""
"Didn't you put that to rest, by saying that there was no female
accomplice."
Yes.
"In the interests of honesty I must say that i was a bit confused by all of
that. But no matter, if you say there was no female there was no female."
Are you saying that I defiled the interest of honesty?
"Absolutely. You have shared an awful lot in a short period of time,
even though we have been emailing for four years. I have often wondered
why you decided to open up in the way you did. Do you have any sense of
the reason?"
1. You asked. 2. JonBenet's mother is dying. 3. The overwhelming need to
confess. 4. So that JonBenet and me will be together forever where we
belong.
"The obvious question here is, are you planning to share more, even though
as you know I can't imagine what that might be. Everything you have said in
the meantime is extraordinary in and of itself."
Thank you. Yes, I was planning to share more but my letters are already
an epistle and you express constantly how overwhelming I have become
already. How could I fit anything extra into the already seemingly
overloaded equation? It is a pity that I cannot share more due to such
reasons. But so be it.
"what made you think I was very busy? Life always feels busy these days."
Because you constantly remind of how busy you are?
6
000773
I am depressed. I am confused, disappointed and frustrated with Jonsenet's
parents. Now it seems you wish for me to dump my mails in your inbox
without a response. I am writing the book which is causing me to rehash
horrible events from my childhood and the memory of JonBenet. I just
wanted you to know how I feel. Nothing to get pissed about....
Daxis
required
7
000774
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@coiorado.edu]
To:
Michael,
You've stopped using my name again... Thank you for responding to that
mail. You responded to the less intense of my mails. Please do not discard
a response to "Did you kill
" (you know the title and I can't write it
again). I think you are slowly but surely becoming too busy to talk to me.
You have indicated that you would rather just receive and read my mails
without a response. That is a mistake, Michael. You ask why I shared so
much after 10 years. One reason was due your incessant inquisitiveness. So
you are going to stop that now? That's a mistake. I know you are working on
other writing projects but I would advise you to see the urgency and
importance of telling this story once and for all. Do you realize how easy
it would be for you to allow this book to slip through your fingers? I
slipped through the fingers of law enforcement several times. Do you really
want that to happen concerning this book? I am already giving up on this
phone contact. After the first week in July, I have the option to provide a
new phone number. Can you tell me why I should do that? I know you
responded to my mail and I will, of course, respond to that one
immediately; however, you dropped hints all over the place that you would
like it if you did not have to respond to me AND you are very busy to have
to deal with the Daxis book. How do you think that makes me feel? This
coupled with the Ramseys' avoidance is much to bear. And by the way, I am
calm and utterly depressed. I write to you in somber tone, my friend
Daxis
I
000 7 75
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado,edu]
Sent: Thursday, June 22, 2006 10:12 AM
To:
I told him about Patsy's condition. His reaction here was totally
predictable. I think you have an interesting opportunity here. I know Patsy
can't talk, but couldn't you get someone to play her. I am also now more
convinced than ever that the smart thing to do would be to tell him that
they will be opening JonBenet's grave. If, however, the consensus is that
this would not not be a good idea, then obviously I will defer to that. m
Michael!
I must talk to her! You know this. You must call John Ramsey. You must
tell him that JonBenet's killer must talk to her mother before she dies.
She must not die until I can talk to her. You must help me. Please! I am
begging you. I predicted this and no one would listen to me. Weeks passed
with John Ramsey ignoring me. And now, I am right as I am always right.
Does he not understand that he is robbing her the chance to talk to her
daughter's killer? She will die without peace. Her spirit will suffer.
Please. please please. You must help me. You must find some way to reach
this man. Tell him this: "Your wife wanted to meet Daxis and see him face
to face. This means she wanted to talk to Daxis. You must find a way to
grant her this last request. She wanted to see Daxis face to face. If
this is not possible, you must help your wife to hear his voice. To hear
his voice would be so important. To hear his voice, John. To hear his
voice. To hear his voice speak those words, "Patricia, I took the life of
your child. You are exonerated before my eyes and shall be exonerated
before the eyes of all the world. I loved your child. I shall never leave
her and I shall never leave you." Please. She must be given that chance
to forgive me. She must be given that chance to hear my voice. Please.
Why does no one hear me? Why must she die without closure? Please help
me. I ask for nothing else from this family but to grant peace to this
mommy so that her spirit might ascend gracefully with an assurance that
only my voice can deliver. She must hear my voice. She must hear my
voice. She must hear my voice.
Daxis
1
000776
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael. Tracey@colorado.edu]
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 10:18 AM
To:
Michael,
Thank you for this response. I know you put a lot of effort in it. Please
respond at least to "Did you kill....?"
""And so I will continue to refrain.""
"Please don't do that. I do however realize how much effort you have
put into the book."
Thank you. I was not talking about the book. I was talking about new
revelations here via mail. I am not going to start a new thread until you
catch up with the old ones. In other words, I need responses. You can do
it, Michael. A great example of starting a new thread is to finish with the
discussion of my ransom note. And I mean specific questions with examples.
Something the public has assumed that I might be able to explain about the
note. Yes? And then there are other descriptions of that night which I
would rather not have to talk about.
"I've been thinking about this in a number of different ways. First, I've
been contemplating the question of my writing a profile or portrait of you.
I have many pieces, but obviously am lacking some of the most basic
information about you that would normally be essential to such a work.
Where you were born for example, went to school, grew up, your political
beliefs, if any. That kind of thing."
Why would you need that
You will find out one of the places I grew up
in "Pretty Little Boy". Where I went to school.... Sounds like documentary
material to me. I haven't given permission for a documentary. My political
beliefs will be somewhat revealed in "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" but
will be about little girls. You want to know if I am democrat or
republican? I am a fugitive from the U.S. so I suppose I am neither
anymore. I will answer any questions I can without tracing myself back to
my children or immediate family members. I want them to be immune of me as
they are now. I do not want them to be chased by the media as they were
chased by law enforcement.
"I imagine you will find it difficult to share much, but anything you can
share would be most welcome."
As I said, I will be glad to share what I possibly can share within reason.
"I've also been thinking about the publisher. I recently worked with
someone to develop my book on media, literacy and culture. Here's what we
will need to pull together: a couple of sample chapters at least, the more
the better; a more detailed chapter outline. So for each of the sections in
the outline you sent me, we would need a paragraph as to what it will
contain. Then, and this seems these days to be absolutely key, a one to two
page statement that draws together what the book is about. This apparently
is the thing that any potential editor/publisher will read first. If it
grabs them, the prospect of getting a contract is so much greater."
1
000 7 77
I DID provide a very detailed outline of what will be included in each chapter.
Michael, I have written the first four chapters of the book already and have
finished the first part of the fifth chapter. This does not count the multiple
mail inserts in the other chapters. Quite simply, this means that all parts of the
book have some writing completed. That is all I will do. You can put something
like you described above, together. I am working into the night on completing the
chapters. You can help me with any format you think is necessary to get the book
published. It would be a pity not to just show my completed chapters instead of
some incomplete little abstract. I think this is what writers do when they have
not completed 5 chapters of a book.
"I have published a number of books over the years and actually didn't have too go
through this kind of process. However, corporate values now prevail and the
process is much more bureaucratic. It's a real pain but is unfortunately the
nature of modern publishing.
I think it is phenomenal that I have written over four chapters already. I am
doing my part. All I can do is keep writing the book. I need your help to get it
published. We are splitting this 50/50 remember. And I might add that I have
absolutely no problem with that.
""You are going to let me slip through your fingers and it won't hit you until
Christmas night. You think that would be impossible now but it is easier than
you think. I respect your responsibilities but I also respect the Daxis book and
its utter importance.""
"As I've just indicated I do regard your book as extremely important. One thing
I should have said is that while the process of getting a publisher is
laborious, the nature of modern technology is such that once a decision is made
a book can be turned around and be on the bookshelves remarkably quickly."
So you are not going to let me slip through your fingers? The more you tell me of
publishing the more I feel this will never happen on time. I am writing my heart
out and still it is not good enough. But thanks for the assurance that it can
happen quickly.
""That's what everyone says to me with the exception of little girls in my life.
It is part of the adult condition. The mother of a family of little girls I lived
with as a nanny in Europe called my letters to her after their vacations - an
epistle. It was a compliment and insult rolled into one.""
"Why did you feel that it was an insult? It sounds most complimentary
to me."
Because it has always seemed so laborious to people to read or respond to anything
I have written. She later revised that comment. I guess you would have to be there
to understand how it all went down. She was a very formal person. She stood at the
door of my apartment and said, "Daxis, I have read your ....epistle." And I just
dropped my head in embarassment. Now do you understand?
""She finally admitted to me that she loved my letters and always looked forward
to reading them. People treat me strangely.""
"That's an interesting comment, partly because I can't see how her saying that
she loved your letters is something that is strange. BTW, did you by any chance
keep copies of the letters? And where they in
an email or handwritten?"
2
000778
I composed them in MS Word and printed them. I then signed them. The
letters were printed on paper. I am self conscious about my handwriting and
rarely leave a letter behind written by hand. I think I might have a copy
of one or two of them on disk somewhere. Why would you want to see them?
They are mundane accounts of what I did and what happened while she and the
girls were out of the country. You see, I sat with her house for a one
month period each summer. She finally admitted that she loved my letters
with the glee of a little girl, with a big smile on her face and a look of
anticipation. And I responded, "But I thought you said they were
epistles." She responded, "But I still love to read them." And yes, they
were usually four A4 pages long. I miss that family and wish I could be
there now. Nothing ever lasts in my life.
"It absolutely wasn't nonchalant. i never treat you, at least knowingly,
in a nonchalant manner. I think I've indicated on many many occasions
that I regard your mind and mode of thinking as remarkable, and your
account of JonBenet breathtaking. When it is revealed it will without
question be a world class, world shaking story."
Thank you, Michael. I do like you very much
word. It is time for the world to be shaken.
I won't say the other
"I'm going to put a lot of energy into helping you finish the book, get it
completed, published. That is definitely not shutting you down."
Ok, good. Maybe you could carfully choose your words at times so they don't
give me the wrong impression. Maybe e-mail in general lacks so much and we
both know that. Thank you for assuring me that the book will be published.
That is all I have now that I have been deprived of JonBenet's mother. You
do know I will be writing about that in my book. And it will be strong. It
was not right that I was cast aside as I was.
"I am going to keep trying with John, keep trying to find out how he
would wish to respond to you, what he would like to say. i'm sure there
will be something."
Just reading that is totally ridiculous. Like you would have to drag
something out of a parent to say to his daughter's killer
That is the
most confusing thing I have ever heard. How many like me would provide such
an opportunity who is not already locked in a prison cell??? Who would take
the chance of getting caught as I have? And for all this, I get this
reaction from John Ramsey. My note
my note
"I addressed this issue above. To repeat, it would be useful to have more
detail. Otherwise I will tend to pushed in the direction of a kind of
psychological profile based on our mails and the manuscript. And I think
we are on the same page in not wanting to overdo that. I do however want
to write about why it was that i find you so compellingly interesting."
Be my guest. But I do need to know what you are writing and reserve the
right to ask you to omit those things I would rather not make public. This
is a big step for me to share anything in the book. Just last night, I was
writing about a little seven year old I met once and moved in with. I have
not taken it out yet but probably will so as to preserve her privacy and
mine. She was one of the little girls harassed by the police and taken in
for questioning like a criminal. She was only ten when they did that to
her. And by the way, she defended me and said I had never touched her which
was not true. I loved that little girl so much. There is so much you do not
know about me.
3
000 7 79
""I was not prepared to tell you but I will. One category is entitled
"Ramseys". I placed all the things I have written about their lack of
interest in me there. It does not belong in the book but might be useful
for something.""
"I think you should include this about the Ramseys."
I will hold that into serious account. I do not know what I am going
to do about the Ramseys in my book at this point. I am so hurt right
now, I don't know what to do.
""The other category is that of the stun gun theory discount. I am
debating the placement of this in Daxis but will probably not place it
there as I do not want this book to be one of disproving theories. It would
minimize the intensity of the overall message.""
"can we take some time to think about this. My own immediate feeling is
that you should explain why the stun gun was not used It would surely be
part of your explanation in detail of what happened, the
ornaments/cross etc."
I will definitely describe details of the cross and jewelry I had that
night. I will be as detailed about the events of that night as possible.
But I will not blatantly dispel any theory. On the other hand, Michael, I
want to dispel every erroneous theory in some tactful way, but I don't know
what they are. I do not want there to be any doubt in the reader's mind
that I am telling a true account. If you could help me by telling me what
these theories are, I can readily dismiss the ridiculous ones. Look at what
I did about the stun gun. All it took was a few e-mails to get that out and
straighten up any confusion. I am very much in the dark concerning the
stories that are out there. I will tell you this; I despise such lies, if
they exist and you seem to lead me to believe they do. They must be
dispelled. This is about setting the story straight. And yes, Smit was
correct in where I entered the house but he was incorrect about the stun
gun. I wonder what he will think of Daxis....
"I could tell. I do however think you should write about the attorneys,
since this would be part of your explanation about the 12 year old, the
investigation and the reasons for leaving the US."
I will take your advice and write of them. I have to be especially careful
with what I write, if I write, about the first attorney who saw stars in
her eyes when JonBenet's name came up. There was more to the reason she saw
stars. She took a huge chunk of money with her, by the way. My point is, if
she thinks she can capitalize on anything concerning this book, she will.
If I do not mention her in the book, she can't capitalize. Daxis always has
a well thought out reason for every action or lack of action.
"You are discovering something that is a key part of the writer's life, it
can feel very lonely, especially when the outcome feels so uncertain,
unknowable. It's an almost inevitable misery that the
author must suffer."
I thought you might say that. But I have you here, believing in me and
encouraging me to tell more. That is what my point was. And I did not
feel you were there at that moment.
""I have not written about JonBenet yet. I am trying to finish all the
areas that concern my life around her chapters.""
"That is important and necessary. We should never lose sight of the fact
that the book's title is "DAXIS."
4
000780
Thank you, Michael. While writing my accounts of my childhood and past, I
wonder how many readers will skip straight to the chapters about JonBenet.
It will be interesting to know how many not interested in JonBenet will
read the book and how many who are interested in JonBenet will read it.
Maybe no one will read it. Maybe I am wasting my time.
"I understand, and that last sight you had of her on that cold floor must
be horrible to carry with you in the folds of memory."
It always hurts to read your descriptions of my lover. But it is
essential. I deserve to hurt.
"You really are punishing yourself severely. Remember that it was not meant
to be as it was, there was no intentionality to kill her. Thinking of it
that way, does that help relieve some of the guilt? I
truly hope so."
Thank you so much, Michael. Not only are you the first person, aside from
the Ramseys, to know that I was JonBenet's killer but you are the only
person who has offered some consolation to help me relieve my guilt. That
is amazing. I am punishing myself severely and feel I deserve it. I suppose
God has punished me further by not allowing me a chance to receive
forgiveness from JonBenet's mother after a chance to offer my heartfelt
apology. I will never hold her while we both cry for JonBenet. All that is
going to kill me. I will forever suffer because of it.
"I would be less than honest if i didn't agree with you that there will be
those who will be furious with you. Neither of us is naive enough to
believe that this will not be the case."
I welcome their hate. I would be more concerned if I was doubted. Such
would hinder the process that must take place - among them beinga public
hating that I will bear without hesitation. I will bear that cross. I will
accept that punishment and still it will not atone for my actions. I will
receive no absolution without her mother. And this has been lost;
therefore, I shall never be forgiven.
"Having said that there will be those who will applaud the bravery in
coming forward, in explaining what really happened and in therefore
rehabilitating Patsy in the public mind, in finally destroying the lie
that she killed JonBenet. That will be to many of huge significance."
And will I hear their voices over the voices of hate? It would be
wonderful to hear their voices.
"Indeed. What i should have added was personally remarkable to be there
sense of her presence. In surprising,
and I say that as someone who is not mystical and the transcendental."
Believe, Michael. Believe.
"It looks like I very soon will be at I wish you had not said this...
"BTW, and I don't believe that I've shared this with you, and I certainly
haven't shard it with anyone else, I've felt for a very long time that
JonBenet was guiding me, was leading me through the
some sense,
that while it was for me
on that spot I did not have any it was was so
that
given to belief in the
the grave. We shall see."
5
000 781
past several years, that it was her that led me to see almost from the get go
that her parents were not involved, and that it was her who was saying that I
should listen to you."
I feel her presence as I read your words above. It WAS JonBenet telling you to
listen to me. She still loves me. I thank you for sharing that with me. It means
the world to me. Go to her grave and she will shout "Daxis!"
"How could we finish the book if you vanish? It would be impossible."
We could not finish the book nor could anyone contact me. You must realize,
Michael, that I live life on the cutting edge. I am now out of work. I have a
little amount saved. What will happen when the money runs out? Will I be on the
streets in some gutter writing the Daxis book on my notebook computer? Of course
not. We should do this quickly before my luck runs out.
"I have no sense that they are out too get you. If they were, they would probably
have been much more proactive. And anyhow, for many, many weeks now Patsy has
simply been very sick, heavily medicated and now it is even worse."
I have no sense that they are out to get me anymore as I feel more that I simply
do not exist to them.
""You've already forgotten those important mails
/ My Excellent Rapport" and "My Mere Proximity". I would
be lucky just to get a response to "Did You Kill
"Parents of Daughters
" and this one.""
"I will do that. If not today, then certainly tomorrow." Thank you,
Michael. I can't see how
Disappointing.
"See what I wrote above. It is a lonely process and there is no way round this."
But you could be there while I write it.... And you have been with this letter.
But sometimes, you are not there.
"You know all the answers to what?"
The psychological explanations to every aspect of my life.
"I can understand though that answers don't always help. One of the things that I
tell my students is that one thing I have come to understand is that it can be
very much the case that the more you study, the more you grieve, by which I mean,
the more one sees that there are some things that are painful
but beyond resolution."
That is profound. Thank you for sharing.
"Can I be honest, I didn't understand this, my fault, and thanks for trying to
talk me though it - I can change light bulbs, usually."
Ok, Michael. It's cute when you write things like this.
"Here's something that you could tell me more about, that interesting
notion of carefully choosing your style."
I did my best to convey in the most detailed method, the events that occurred
while making it readible. I constantly make an effort to refrain from explicit
writing when I know that the implicit has
6
000782
done a more effective job of conveying meaning. It was hard to condense
it all in a chapter. I deleted pages and added others. I omitted some
things and added others. I held secret, some things that would dishonor
the memory of my mother. There were a lot of things going on behind the
scenes during my writing of that chapter. And you can put such things as
this in your portrait of Daxis?
"One of the key parts of the chapter is the fact of the sexual
relationship with your mother. Was it truly consensual? How did it feel?
What did she look like? These are the kinds of details that will help me
in the portrait."
It was very consensual. As a matter of fact, I initiated sex on occasion
with my mother. It felt wonderful. When something was painful to me, I
would tell my mother immediately and she would stop. At times, I would get
angry with her when she hurt me. I was a very assertive child and very
demanding. In the chapter, I mentioned that my mother was beautiful. She
was a blonde with a creamy complexion.
""That description was so much less than the way it felt in real life. I
did my best to describe it but fell short.""
"Oh no, you described it well, intensely. It was a truly horrific
description."
Nothing is ever good enough when it comes to my work. Though others might
say it is perfect, I always feel it could have been better. But thank you.
I hope it does some semblence of justice to the real life experience which
was beyond words. This will also be the case with my experience with
JonBenet. However, my account with my mother extended several years.
""I figured it would. I was also concerned that it might lead you to
believe that I had planned to kill JonBenet because she was six. That is
not true.""
"I understand that, if only because i know that you didn't "plan," to kill
JonBenet"
Thank you. But the reader will see something else. So be it. I do have a
very strong preference for six year old girls. JonBenet was no exception.
But I did not think it was her time to die.
'-It influenced my sexuality greatly."" "I'm
glad you can confirm that."
I will confirm it more if you need me to do that. My attitudes about
children engaging in sex and knowing that it is right for them is based
much on my own childhood experience.
""Pretty Little Boy" will bring you more understanding of that. It sets the
ground work for my connection with little girls. By the way, "Pretty Little
Boy", you will find, will be much more positive than the chapter you have
read.""
"Can you send it to me. I really need to read it. It's all part of my need
to understand."
Yes, Michael. I will send that chapter to you today. "Stop
punishing yourself."
Oh thank you, Michael. But I do not know how to stop punishing myself.
I will now never receive forgiveness from her mother. I
7
000783
will never be allowed to pay for my sins through my apologies to her mother. I
will never gain any closure through a connection with her mother. It was all about
Patricia. Don't you understand that? I suppose some higher power is again
punishing me by depriving me of her mother. This is all part of the curse that
fell upon me when I took the life of her daughter, JonBenet. I must accept this
curse and allow it to eventually destroy me.
""I've been dismissed."" "Not by
me you haven't."
I hope that will last, Michael. Maybe someday, you will lose interest in
me.
""Are you saying that I defiled the interest of honesty?""
"No, but you did say that there was a female present. Then that there wasn't.
If you say there wasn't, there wasn't. I will just have to accept that I'm sure
you had your reasons for the first mention,
reasons that I don't understand and that's the end of it.' I was referring to an alter ego. I regret that I shook your faith in me. That
would kill me to think I did something like that. If I am not to be believed, I
am dead.
""1. You asked. 2. JonBenet's mother is dying. 3. The overwhelming need to
confess. 4. So that JonBenet and me will be together forever where we belong.""
"Literally in Marietta or metaphorically elsewhere? Her body will obviously
spend eternity in Georgia soil."
No Michael. I have told you that in writing this book and revealing my story to
the world, I would be forever remembered as her lover, hence, I will be with her
forever, where I belong - already in spirit and then acknowledged by the world as
her deepest and most critical connection.
Daxis
8
000784
Bennett, Tom
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 10:21 AM
To:
Michael,
I was pleased to receive your response to one of my mails. Of course, I
will respond to you instantly. But I am unbelievably disappointed with
your resign concerning Patsy, as you call her.
"Daxis, I will pass on your message. I have to go down to Boulder for
a meeting but will reply later."
And that was your response to a letter I wrote in agony and with utter
urgency. You never tell me what you say and to whom you say it to. It is
like some covert operation. Maybe you DID convey my desperate letter to
John and you are trying to spare me his negative reaction to it. Whatever
the case, I am confused with your response to my pleading letter. I wrote
"please" all throughout the letter. I was obviously begging. If she is
unconscious, I could understand. If she is conscious, what in Hell is everyone
waiting on if they take Daxis at all serious?
"Daxis, I thought that I would reply to this though I'm sure your
thoughts and emotions are very much with the news of Patsy's imminent
passing away. I'm no expert on these things but apparently once the
decline starts to accelerate it becomes uncontrollable. I know
have ceased to try and treat her and are only giving her pain killers."
She is not dead yet! I hope she pulls through and when she does, I will be
able to say that I was the only one who did not give up on her. Then you
mention that you will be going to Atlanta soon. I assume you are talking
about attending her funeral. Again, she's not dead yet. She's not dead yet
"I am going to keep trying with John, keep trying to find out how he
would wish to respond to you, what he would like to say. i'm sure there
will be something."
The final chapter of my book will NOT be changed to "Daddy Dearest".
Anyway, that man has no intentions of talking to me. He never did. I am so
upset with him I cannot tell you. In my eyes, he was complaisant about the
whole matter of me making contact with his wife. He wanted to keep most of
the letters from her at first until she demanded to see them. She wanted to
meet me so why would she not want to call me? She would have if he had
taken me
seriously and would have just helped her to
out, when it is virtually too late, that he side to convey anything to her
that you had said. He was the wrong person to contact in
who else was left? The Paughs. I could give you phone what good would it do
now? If she dies, I will harbor towards John Ramsey forever. And you want
me to talk to him? could ask him why he made sure that his wife would never
have
they
contact me. Then I find was not even by her said and that I had this
matter. But then,
contacts but animosity Then
the
I
1
000785
chance to hear me say that I killed her daughter; that I am so sorry; and
then give her the chance to forgive me. I will never get that chance now.
Never. I will never hear those sweet words from the mother of JonBenet,
"Daxis, you are forgiven." John Ramsey would never talk to me and if he
did, it would be to discount me.
"As i have said, I am doing my best but can see how it would be more
appropriate for you to have direct contact with them -. actually it
would be with John since Patsy will no longer be with us."
Again, she is not dead. She is alive. She's not dead. She might be dying
but God sees some reason to keep her alive for a little while longer. Can
we not honor this woman's life as long as she is alive? I will not let her
go without a conversation with me first. I will not release her. And death
has much to do with that release. I have held her for this long and I will
continue to hold her until God's Will is done - until this is finished.
I know you have done your best. What more could I ask for. I will ask you,
and shouldn't have to ask - that you contact me via phone if she passes
away and not by e-mail? I provided you with a phone number and you seem to
have decided not to call it. I deserve at least a five minute call
notifying me of JonBenet's mother's death. My connection with her daughter
surely makes me worthy of that. I know, at this point, that you do not feel
it would be prudent to keep asking those close to her to allow contact with
me. I know many things but it still doesn't discount what you know in your
heart: Patsy Ramsey needs to make peace with her daughter's killer and this
resign that those around her feel is destroying that from happening.
Daxis
000786
2
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
Friday, June 23, 2006 12:08 PM
Dear Michael,
What do you mean by tomorrow? Saturday? It is best to call me in your
morning but I can accept a call from you anytime. If you are to call in
your night, after 10PM your time might be good for me. Your morning, is
best because that is my night. I would so love to get a call from you. How
long will you have to talk? I shall time our call and make it the best it
can be.
I hope you received my two letters and "Pretty Little Boy". You will
know more of me after reading that chapter.
I am determined that Patricia shall hang on for Daxis. She will not die
until we connect. No higher power will allow her death until that happens.
I love her so much. I loved her daughter so much more.
Daxis
1
000 78 7
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
,0
11
Picturel.jpg
Picture2.jpg
For your files. Two photos he sent me. The face
shot is a composite, the bottom half being JonBenet, the top half possibly
the young, and dead, actress Heather O'Rourke. The other is, he implied, of
him clearly taken on Christmas morning. If you look over his right shoulder
there is something that looks suspiciously like as Santa doll. And for the
record i got a call a few days ago from a woman in California who wanted to
tell me about her suspicions about the former boyfriend of her sister, who
used to be in Boulder, was here in 1996, used to regularly walk past the
Ramsey house and had an interest in satanism. She said his name was Defore
( I made notes and they are in Boulder, so I'll check.) However, if you do
a person search of this name, you come up with a guy who is working on a
Pentagon project. Guess what it is called? DAXIS. I asked the woman to
email with as much info as possible, and also to ask her sister if she had
a photo. She hasn't so far. The url to the project is:
http://www.stormingmedia.us/14/1457/A145723/html
1
000788
rn w
000
000790
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Saturday, June 24, 2006 9:09 PM
Check out the Paris reference. It's his suicide thing from the Eiffel
Tower. Choosing Auden, while it is a beautiful epitaph, written BTW
for his gay lover, is kind of cliched. Perhaps he is a nutcase wannabe.
Michael,
I have been crying as those parents I have heard in the past have
cried - a loud, mournful cry over the loss of my Patricia. I don't
believe I have cried so much since my mother and grandmother passed
away. Why couldn't she stay long enough to talk to me.... I just
wanted so badly to tell her how sorry I was. I wanted so badly to
hear those sweet words from her lips that I was truly forgiven for
killing her little girl. I'll never hear it now. I feel like taking
my own life now so that I can find her in the life hereafter to tell
her I am sorry. She's with her little girl now. JonBenet is in her
mother's lap tonight. They will walk in the Gardens of Paradise and
Patricia will hear her lovely little girl's silvery laughter. I have
said so many times that JonBenet died first so that she might
intercede for her mother. She is with her darling daughter at last
and shall spend an eternity by the sweet brooks that so softly roll
in the precious afternoons in Heaven.
I am grief stricken. What can I do now? I wish for death. I killed
Patricia indirectly. I did that. I destroyed that family as I have
destroyed other families. I am as my mother said, an evil and dark
threat - the son and daughter of Satan. God give me the strength to
take my own life. Dear God I pray for that strength to destroy this
mortal coil.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring
out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message, She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away
the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now
can ever come to any good.
W. H. Auden
To my girls - JonBenet and her sweet mother Patricia.
God grant me the strength to die, for nothing else is left. It's
over now and forever. It is finished. I am finished. I must return
1
000791
to Paris to resume my plans for death. And I will descend into the depths
of Hell unforgiven for my sins as I deserve.
Daxis
required
2
000792
Bennett, Tom
From:
Michael Tracey [Michael. Tracey@colorado. edu)
Sent:
Saturday, June 24, 2006 9:21 PM
To:
Michael,
I have received
the
message you
conveyed on behalf of John. I
respond to his
words
will
on a phone
call from you today. It is 10
mountain time.
Know
AM
is the middle of the night where I
By the way, use
the
am.
following
that it
number:
Outside England: +66 79770681
The above number will no longer be valid in two weeks time.
Make that call, Michael. Stop putting it off. Don't let me down. You know
we need to talk.
Daxis
1
000793
From:
Sent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Michael,
Where have you been? I thought you were in Atlanta. I don't see any
indications that you are. Is your location a secret? You know I would like
to have some measure of information on what is going on with Patricia's
funeral. I feel like I've been cast aside to mourn her death in cold
solitude. But I am accustomed to being alone. It is my fate and my curse.
"I think a lot of people have been crying since the news emerged." But I'm
not "a lot of people".
"Patsy's death has received a considerable amount of media
coverage."
I've seen nothing. I have CNN international and her death is not even
mentioned. All I have is a five minute news stream from two days back
from CNN's webpage. I have tried but can't get info on her funeral
arrangements. The obituary written in a couple of sentences by the
Atlanta Journal says funeral arrangements are incomplete.
"Most of it has been dutifully respectful, but there is
alwayslurking
there that phrase that the case has not been solved, she was still
officially a suspect, and then there were those who came out and said
that she was guilty."
I knew that would happen. It is a tragedy. I am sorry to hear about it.
"SO the point is Daxis is that, even given your emotional state, you still
have it within your gift to vindicate her in the eyes of the world."
After reading your mail, I am not sure I have any gift at all. I feel all
the things I have shared so far have been completely in vain. Though I have
been all alone with no one to talk to and not even a mail from you, I have
been working on this book nonstop. I have cried at my computer as I have
written. Do you know how difficult it has been for me to go through this
time alone? I speculate that she might be lying in state but I don't know.
I speculate that her funeral will be on Monday at Peachtree Presbyterian at
2 PM with burial beside JonBenet, but I don't know. And I don't understand
why no one can tell me just a little bit of information. Can you know how
much this is killing me that she died without our connection? And I am
alone.
"You are a religious person and so you can imagine that she hears your
words. And you know that she read the emails, so she knows of Daxis and
your acceptance of responsibility for what happened to JonBenet."
That is beautiful, Michael. But you have left out the part about 1
000794
her forgiveness and our connection on this earth. I do not know if she went to her
grave thinking me a monster or a Prince. There must be something that she said to
John that could help me receive some measure of peace. You have to understand that
the last thing I heard from her was that she was NOT convinced that I was the
killer but had to see my face to believe it was true. This kills me. This would
mean she went to her grave unconvinced that I was her daughter's killer. Do you
know what that does to me? And I will tell you that I do not feel the presence of
her spirit as I do with JonBenet. To me, she is gone completely from my life. It
is my punishment, I am certain, to be cut off from Patricia forever.
"That is why in writing the book, particularly when you come to the section about
Christmas night, and of how you established your relationship with JonBenet we
will need as much detail as possible. That is where the truth o9f what you have to
say. Perhaps we can discuss this tomorrow. I hope you will feel able and willing
to speak to me about this. This is key."
You want me to turn myself in. After all this, you want me to turn myself in. I
knew it. I knew John Ramsey wanted more than a conversation and even more than a
confession from me. He wants me to turn myself in. I have told you so much and
have given you details that no one else could know. I have explained the events of
her death in a way that no one ever has due the fact that I was there. And now,
you make me believe that you are now unconvinced? I have also told you that I have
memory lapses about certain details and you seemed to understand given the fact
that I went through a trauma. What can I do about that? Does that make me a liar?
That I must add something more that you refer to as "key"? Michael, I will not
divulge my personal connection with JonBenet, giving my last name over to law
enforcement and handing myself over to them for life in prison. I told you on the
phone that such would be a death sentence for me. I am getting the impression that
if I do not provide something more to you, that I should just walk away and my
book will be discarded? After all this time of you telling me that you believe me
without a doubt, you are asking me to pass some test? Another thing you don't
understand is how difficult it was for me to provide what information I have. I
thought it was enormous. You even said that you could not believe there could be
more. As I have been working so hard on this book, especially difficult as I have
to go through my grief over the loss of Patricia alone, I have known all along
that what I was writing was nothing, that is meant nothing - that it would never be
good enough. I knew all along that no one would be content with anything less than
my apprehension. I am offering a 200 page public statement. I think it is an
unreal offer. I'd take it.
"She said recently that she was in a win win situation; if she lived
with Burke, if she died she would be with JonBenet. I thought
that was rather beautiful."
she be
Yes, that is beautiful. In light of the fact that so many people have commented
that she is now with JonBenet, I will refrain from falling into the crowd. After
all, how is anything I say anymore important than some person on the street....
By the way, that is a comment made in my despondency.
"I don't understand this. Intercede in what sense."
She would be waiting for her mother and would help her with her journey from death
unto eternal life. I believe it is a journey and one is met by a person they loved
on earth. This person leads them through the darkness of death and into Paradise.
JonBenet was that being who led Patricia on that journey.
2
000795
""She is with her darling daughter at last and shall spend an eternity
by the sweet brooks that so softly roll in the precious afternoons in
Heaven.""
"That's very poetic."
But does it mean anymore coming from Daxis than from the street?
"Don't be so hard on yourself. It was cancer that took Patsy, not you.
She was a tough lady but ultimately the disease was tougher. It's
tragic, but human."
ok...
"Daxis, we need to talk tomorrow. I will try and help you get through
this. Suicide is not the answer. Completing your mission os seeking
atonement from the Ramseys and providing them with the closure of
vindication. THAT is the answer."
There are no "Ramseys" anymore. There is only John. And there is more than
vindication but I won't go into that again because no one is listening to
me anyway.
"I will around 4pm Boulder time is that OK."
Why at this time? That is a difficult time for me but I know if I opt for
another time, I will lose your call. It is so rare that you call me, I will
take what I can get. I just won't be at my best. The deal is, I have been
staying up late into the night. I sleep late. I'm depressed and reaching a
point of despondency, especially after this letter. I will repeat that the
best time for me is Boulder mornings before 11 PM. But if it means missing
your call, I will accept a call from you 24 hours a day. What is this call
about?
I will resume my work on this book but it is going to be further difficult
now that I know that turning myself in or passing some test is is the
"key" to it being published. You should have told me this before I
completed a single word in it, much less five chapters. Why is what I am
doing not good enough.... You know what I think? It IS good enough. It is
an unreal offer that would never come from another killer, if this is what
I am. Ask yourself this, have you ever read such a book? Has it ever been
done? Has a killer ever written a confessionary book? Moreover, a book
pleading for the forgiveness of her parents, now parent, and offering
consolation? It has never been done. You know it and John knows it. But
it's not enough... What I've revealed to you already is not enough? You
cannot know how confused and upset this makes me especially at a time like
this.
Daxis
anyone else on
3
000796
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
My reply. I was thinking of suggesting I'd room with him to keep costs
down... M
Daxis, right up front I have to say that this email leaves me
somewhat mystified.
On Jun 25, 2006, at 11:51 PM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
• • Where have you been?
What do yo mean? I emailed you yesterday.
• I thought you were in Atlanta. I don't see any
• indications that you are.
What would that look like.
• Is your location a secret?
Of course not. I do however love the quiet of the mountains. Why do you
ask?
• You know I
• would like to have some measure of information on what is going on
• with Patricia's funeral. I feel like I've been cast aside to mourn
• her death in cold solitude. But I am accustomed to being alone. It
• is my fate and my curse.
There is a visitation on Wednesday evening at the Ward-Dobber Funeral Home
in Marietta. The service is at the United Methodist Church in Roswell on
Thursday at 11am, followed by the burial at the St James Cemetery. I'm
going, and will be driving there to keep down costs. In fact, I will be
leaving late this afternoon after our phone conversation. I will try and
find a cyber cafe along the way to check messages, but will be out of
circulation for a few days. I'm actually quite looking forward to the
journey, time to think.
• • "I think a lot of people have been crying since the news emerged."
• • But I'm not "a lot of people". Why would you say that. Of course you are
not.
• • "Patsy's death has received a considerable amount of media
• coverage."
•
•
I• 've seen nothing. I have CNN international and her death is not
even mentioned.
All the networks covered it as well as local media. To be honest, there
was more than I expected.
• All I have is a five minute news stream from two
• days back from CNN's webpage. I have tried but can't get info on
• her funeral arrangements. The obituary written in a couple of
• sentences by the Atlanta Journal says funeral arrangements are
• incomplete.
• • "Most of it has been dutifully respectful, but there is
• alwayslurking
• there that phrase that the case has not been solved, she was still
i
000797
• officially a suspect, and then there were those who came out and
• said
• that she was guilty."
• • I knew that would happen. It is a tragedy. I am sorry to hear about
• it.
Me too.
• • "SO the point is Daxis is that, even given your emotional state,
• you still have it within your gift to vindicate her in the eyes of
• the world."
• • After reading your mail, I am not sure I have any gift at all. I
• feel all the things I have shared so far have been completely in
• vain.
Not with me.
• Though I have been all alone with no one to talk to and not
• even a mail from you,
I don't understand this. I have mailed you. In fact you are replying to
one here.
• I have been working on this book nonstop. I
• have cried at my computer as I have written. Do you know how
• difficult it has been for me to go through this time alone? I
• speculate that she might be lying in state but I don't know. I
• speculate that her funeral will be on Monday at Peachtree
• Presbyterian at 2 PM with burial beside JonBenet, but I don't know.
• And I don't understand why no one can tell me just a little bit of
• information.
I just did. I am sure you are full of regret that you can't be there.
• Can you know how much this is killing me that she died
• without our connection? And I am alone.
No you are not. You are talking to me and I am listening.
• • "You are a religious person and so you can imagine that she hears
• your words. And you know that she read the emails, so she knows of
• Daxis and your acceptance of responsibility for what happened to
• JonBenet."
• • That is beautiful, Michael. But you have left out the part about
• her forgiveness and our connection on this earth. I do not know if
• she went to her grave thinking me a monster or a Prince.
Perhaps John can clarify this. I myself don't know what she was
thinking.
• There must
• be something that she said to John that could help me receive some
• measure of peace. You have to understand that the last thing I
• heard from her was that she was NOT convinced that I was the killer
• but had to see my face to believe it was true. This kills me. This
• would mean she went to her grave unconvinced that I was her
• daughter's killer. Do you know what that does to me?
It
•
•
•
•
tears you apart.
And I will
tell you that I do not feel the presence of her spirit as I do with
JonBenet. To me, she is gone completely from my life. It is my
punishment, I am certain, to be cut off from Patricia forever.
And I'm sure that thought also tears you apart.
• • "That is why in writing the book, particularly when you come to the
• section about Christmas night, and of how you established your
2
000798
•
•
•
• relationship with JonBenet we will need as much detail as possible.
That is where the truth o9f what you have to say. Perhaps we can
discuss this tomorrow. I hope you will feel able and willing to
speak to me about this. This is key."
• • You want me to turn myself in.
How on earth do you come to this conclusion. I was simply stating what any
editor will be saying. You have convinced me, but any publisher will want
as much as possible even if ti is as trivial as what you were wearing that
night. The gloves detail for example is the kind of thing they will love.
When did I ever say that wanted you to turn yourself in. In this vein
though you know as well as I do that the public is raised on cop shows like
Law and Order and the CSI series where huge emphasis is placed on physical
evidence, particularly DNA. That 's the kind of thing that the public has
come to expect. It is why cases that don't depend upon physical evidence,
particularly where an innocent person is found guilty, are so much more
problematic. In fact , there is also some research now that suggests that
juries are influenced to an unfortunate degree by these tv programmes. They
expect resolution based on DNA or they don't want to know. And publishers
are aware of this. That's the only point I was making.
• After all this, you want me to turn
• myself in. I knew it. I knew John Ramsey wanted more than a
• conversation and even more than a confession from me. He wants me
• to turn myself in. I have told you so much and have given you
• details that no one else could know. I have explained the events of
• her death in a way that no one ever has due the fact that I was
• there. And now, you make me believe that you are now unconvinced?
No, I"ve just explained this, I'm convinced. It's dealing with
rapacious publishers that will be the issue.
• I
• have also told you that I have memory lapses about certain details
• and you seemed to understand given the fact that I went through a
• trauma.
I did understand.
• What can I do about that? Does that make me a liar? No
• That I
• must add something more that you refer to as "key"? Michael, I will
• not divulge my personal connection with JonBenet,
I thought you already had told me about your personal connection to
JonBenet. Or did I misunderstand something here.
• giving my last
• name over to law enforcement and handing myself over to them for
• life in prison. I told you on the phone that such would be a death
• sentence for me. I am getting the impression that if I do not
• provide something more to you, that I should just walk away and my
• book will be discarded?
wrong impression Daxis, wrong impression.
• After all this time of you telling me that
• you believe me without a doubt, you are asking me to pass some
• test?
You misunderstood what I was saying.
• Another thing you don't understand is how difficult it was
• for me to provide what information I have. I thought it was
• enormous. You even said that you could not believe there could be
• more.
What I meant, as you know, was that since you told me in painful detail
exactly how she died, I was having a hard time imagining what else there
could be that would top that information. Maybe there is,
3
000799
maybe there isn't. Only you know
• As I have been working so hard on this book, especially
• difficult as I have to go through my grief over the loss of
• Patricia alone, I have known all along that what I was writing was
• nothing, that is meant nothing - that it would never be good
• enough. I knew all along that no one would be content with anything
• less than my apprehension. I am offering a 200 page public
• statement. I think it is an unreal offer. I'd take it.
It will be taken I'm sure. I can see how your pain over the loss of Patsy
has upset you to the point of feeling despair.
• • "She said recently that she was in a win win situation: if she
• lived she be with Burke, if she died she would be with JonBenet.
• I thought
• that was rather beautiful."
• • Yes, that is beautiful. In light of the fact that so many people
• have commented that she is now with JonBenet, I will refrain from
• falling into the crowd. After all, how is anything I say anymore
• important than some person on the street.... By the way, that is a
• comment made in my despondency.
I know. Try to get out from under this cloud of despondency and focus on
the book
• • "I don't understand this. Intercede in what sense."
• • She would be waiting for her mother and would help her with her
• journey from death unto eternal life. I believe it is a journey and
• one is met by a person they loved on earth. This person leads them
• through the darkness of death and into Paradise. JonBenet was that
• being who led Patricia on that journey.
• • ""She is with her darling daughter at last and shall spend an
• eternity by the sweet brooks that so softly roll in the precious
• afternoons in Heaven.""
• • "That's very poetic."
• • But does it mean anymore coming from Daxis than from anyone else on
• the street?
Daxis, you know that you are not the same as anyone on the street. You
have a connection to JonBenet that is unique so please stop making
these comparisons, stop flagellating yourself.
• • "Don't be so hard on yourself. It was cancer that took Patsy, not
• you. She was a tough lady but ultimately the disease was tougher.
• It's
• tragic, but human."
• • Ok.
• • "Daxis, we need to talk tomorrow. I will try and help you get
• through this. Suicide is not the answer. Completing your mission
• os seeking atonement from the Ramseys and providing them with the
• closure of vindication. THAT is the answer."
• • There are no "Ramseys" anymore. There is only John. And there is
• more than vindication but I won't go into that again because no one
• is listening to me anyway.
There is closure for you
• • "I will around 4pm Boulder time is that OK."
4
000 800
• Why at this time? That is a difficult time for me but I know if I
• opt for another time, I will lose your call. it is so rare that you
• call me, I will take what I can get. I just won't be at my best.
• The deal is, I have been staying up late into the night. I sleep
• late. I'm depressed and reaching a point of despondency, especially
• after this letter. I will repeat that the best time for me is
• Boulder mornings before 11 PM. But if it means missing your call, I
• will accept a call from you 24 hours a day. What is this call
• about?
I thought it would help you if we had another conversation. I
understood that this was what you wanted.
• • I will resume my work on this book but it is going to be further
• difficult now that I know that turning myself in or passing some
• test is is the "key" to it being published.
See what I wrote above.
• You should have told me
• this before I completed a single word in it, much less five
• chapters. Why is what I am doing not good enough.... You know what
•
•
•
I think? It IS good enough. It is an unreal offer that would never
come from another killer, if this is what I am. Ask yourself this,
have you ever read such a book?
No
• Has it ever been done?
Not that I know of.
• Has a killer
• ever written a confessionary book? Moreover,, a book pleading for
• the forgiveness of her parents, now parent, and offering
• consolation? It has never been done.
I know
•
•
•
•
You know it and John knows it.
But it's not enough... What I've revealed to you already is not
enough? You cannot know how confused and upset this makes me
especially at a time like this
Let's talk. M
• • Daxis
5
000801
Bennett, Tom
Sent: Monday, June 26, 2006 12:27 PM
To:
Michael,
I have been crying a lot. I can't stop. I lost her. I lost JonBenet's
mother. She was my final connection on this earth and now she's gone. I am
so angry. I am so bitter about it all. Mostly, I'm just so sad. I can't
stop crying. I'm just thinking about everything. JonBenet... thinking
about her. Oh God. What am I going to do? It's over. It's just over.
I was just watching a film, one of my favorites, about the after life. I
wish so much that I could ask John to watch it. It is so precious. It tells
of an undying love between a man and his wife. It tells of a reunion of a
mommy with her daughter. It's so fitting for John, if he is a sensitive
man. You know, his message to me was just really so precious. He was asking
me for help. Oh God. Yes, I'll help him. I'll do everything I can to help
him, especially now.
Michael, I sent you part one to DAXIS. I hope you received it. I've worked
nonstop on that book. I've done my best. Any publisher worth their salt
will put it on the shelves. I don't owe a DNA sample to a publisher. You
can find a publisher for DAXIS, Michael. You can do it. It is basically all
I am asking of you.
"Daxis, right up front I have to say that this email leaves me
somewhat mystified."
No need to be mystified, Michael. Your mail conveyed something that was so
upsetting to me. You see, I just lost her mom, I lost that connection
and.... I could feel you taking my last chance to tell my story about my
little lover away from me. You can't do that to me. Please.. . please don't
do that to me....
"What do yo mean? I emailed you yesterday."
No. You did not. I have not heard from you since our call. You haven't
responded to my last four mails. I'm alone in this horrid grief.
"What would that look like."
I know where you are because I know where your mails come from.
"Of course not. I do however love the quiet of the mountains. Why do
you ask?"
I have not heard from you. I thought you rushed to Atlanta. You didn't
tell me anything.
"There is a visitation on Wednesday evening at the Ward-Dobber Funeral
Home in Marietta. The service is at the United Methodist Church in
Roswell on Thursday at 11am, followed by the burial at the St James
Cemetery."
1
000802
Thank you so much for telling me this. I needed to know. I have been
having visions of the earth being opened beside JonBenet's grave. It is
causing me unbelievable grief. She's talking to me JonBenet. You go to
her grave and you listen. She will say my name. She will talk to you
about me. She will say my name, "Daxis". I wish you would place a rose on
her grave for me. I wish I was with her now. I should have taken her with
me that night. She would be alive now because I have always returned
little girls I have taken. I wish I could compose a message for her that
you could deliver to her grave while you are there. Just hear her voice.
She is calling for me. She misses her Daxis. He is not visited her in so
long. She misses her Prince. And oh God, how I miss her.
"I'm going, and will be driving there to keep down costs. In fact, I
will be leaving late this afternoon after our phone conversation."
I look so forward to the call. Know that you will be waking me from deep
sleep. I have usually sounded fresh after waking but I might be a bit
disoriented. I wish you could call me now instead.
"i will try and find a cyber cafe along the way to check messages, but
will be out of circulation for a few days."
That is unfortunate. I wish to God, I could attend that funeral. You
would see and John would see the devastation I feel. This is really
tearing me up.
"I'm actually quite looking forward to the journey, time to think."
Think about JonBenet and her Daxis. Think about our wonderfully unique
love. Think about the pain I feel that I will never talk to her mother
again.
•
But I'm not "a lot of people".
• • Why would you say that. Of course you are not.
Thank you. I am isolated. I don't know who I am to that family
anymore.
"All the networks covered it as well as local media. To be honest, there
was more than I expected."
I have seen nothing. I could not bear it if I could see something. I
have buffered myself from the press for years.
•
•
•
After reading your mail, I am not sure I have any gift at all. I
feel all the things I have shared so far have been completely in
vain.
• • Not with me.
Thank you, Michael. You must keep this in mind when you go forth with
this book to a publisher and before the public when it is published.
"I don't understand this. I have mailed you. In fact you are
replying to one here."
This is the first I have heard from you. For a whole day, I heard 2
000803
nothing. And I could be dead by now and no one would have cared. "I am
sure you are full of regret that you can't be there."
I am envious of you. I deserve to be there. Alas, it is part of the curse.
•
•
Can you know how much this is. killing me that she died
without our connection? And I am alone.
• • No you are not. You are talking to me and I am listening. I hope you are
listening. Thank you.
"Perhaps John can clarify this. I myself don't know what she was
thinking."
Because of this, I feel myself approaching a nervous breakdown again. I
hope that doesn't happen. If it does, I will be useless.
"How on earth do you come to this conclusion. I was simply stating what
any editor will be saying."
But those fuckers have to be convinced to publish this book. It must be
published. If not, I will fucking kill myself.
"You have convinced me, but any publisher will want as much as possible
even if ti is as trivial as what you were wearing that night. The gloves
detail for example is the kind of thing they will love."
Oh God, I can give so much more than that. Crazy fucking bastards. They are
vultures. I know how to deal with them. Do you? You must be tenacious,
never give up with them. This is very publishable material and they will
recognize it if they have a fucking brain in their heads.
"When did I ever say that wanted you to turn yourself in."
I felt that is what you were saying. I guess it has to do with John Ramsey.
I think that is what he wants. Maybe I am wrong but I don't think so.
"In this vein though you know as well as I do that the public is raised on
cop shows like Law and Order and the CSI series where huge emphasis is
placed on physical evidence, particularly DNA. That 's the kind of thing
that the public has come to expect. It is why cases that don't depend upon
physical evidence, particularly where an innocent person is found guilty,
are so much more problematic. I fact , there is also some research now that
suggests that juries are influenced to an unfortunate degree by these tv
programmes. They expect resolution based on DNA or they don't want to know.
And publishers are aware of this. That's the only point I was making."
Well I am not going to submit my DNA to fucking law enforcement. That is
that. I am not going to do it. The public can view the book as they may.
They can go to Hell as far as I'm concerned. The fucking bastards sent
Patricia to her grave with their goddamned accusations. The bottom line is,
Michael, that those who believe Patricia killed JonBenet will never be
convinced otherwise whether I delivered my head on a plate before them.
Stop worrying about it. Find the right publisher.
3
000804
"No, I"ve just explained this, I'm convinced. It's dealing with
rapacious publishers that will be the issue."
Find a good publisher. Michael, you are worrying me that you are not
going to be able to find a publisher.
"I thought you already had told me about your personal connection to
JonBenet. Or did I misunderstand something here."
No, you did not misunderstand. I did tell you of my personal connection. I
am not here to take anything back that I have conveyed. I thought you
wanted me to confirm HOW I met her. I can't do that. I can't do something
that might reveal my last name no matter how unique my first name is.
"You misunderstood what I was saying." Thank
God.
"What I meant, as you know, was that since you told me in painful detail
exactly how she died, I was having a hard time imagining what else there
could be that would top that information. Maybe there
is, maybe there isn't. Only you know"
There is a bit more but, I would like to stop where I am now, if that
would be ok. It is really hard to think about it.
""I am offering a 200 page public statement. I think it is an unreal
offer. I'd take it.""
,,it will be taken I'm sure. I can see how your pain over the loss of
Patsy has upset you to the point of feeling despair."
Quite simply, I'm going out of my mind. I knew would affect me but I did
not know it would be so intense as this. I just feel like dying.
"Try to get out from under this cloud of despondency and focus on the
book"
That is why I sent part one of the DAXIS book to you earlier this morning
Did you get it? I have been working nonstop on that book. It must be
published now.
"Daxis, you know that you are not the same as anyone on the street. You
have a connection to JonBenet that is unique so please stop making these
comparisons, stop flagellating yourself."
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I feel so cast out. I will not be at her
funeral. I will not speak to her. I am not worthy. But I loved that child.
I was her Prince. She loved me. We were lovers. Oh God, I miss her.
"There is closure for you" What is
it?
"I thought it would help you if we had another conversation. I
understood that this was what you wanted."
I want to talk to you as much as you are willing to call me. Please try to
set up a better connection with me via phone. Please. I think we need to
talk on the phone. You talked to me for 32 minutes last time. Why did you
wait so long to tell me of Patricia's death?
4
000805
You waited until it became public. I should have been told first. You
know it was as if I was her daughter's husband. Can you ever understand
the connection I had with that child?
"Let's talk."
Yes, let us talk. I cannot talk to Patricia forever. When you die, you
disappear. I lost her. I do not feel her presence. Perhaps she is not yet
completed her journey with her daughter.
Thank God, you wrote to me. I only wish you would confirm the receipt
of part one of DAXIS. Please don't allow your doubts to take over in
reference to the viperous publishers. There is one right for us. You
can find that publisher. You must. It is the least you can do for that
deceased mommy. Please think about it when you attend her funeral.
I was with her daughter when she died. My name came from her sweet lips
just before her death. My face was the last she saw on this earth. My love
is the last she experienced. Her child was my lover. I am so proud of that.
I loved her so much. Go to my lover's grave and listen. She will whisper
"Daxis".
Daxis
5
000806
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:55 AM
Dear Michael,
Thank you so much for calling me and spending 59 minutes with me. I pray that I
will get a call from you again soon. I must tell you that I could not hear you
well at all. I hope you could hear me ok. Of course, I gave you little time to say
anything. It appears you were calling me from a cell phone. I have your number
now. I am so sorry that I talked so much about myself and not enough about
Patricia and what I wanted you to do at her funeral. Please look into her sweet
face as she lies there in her casket and whisper or mentally convey, "Patricia,
Daxis wants me to tell you that he will clear your name. He wants you to know that
he is so sorry for taking your little girl from you. Daxis loves you so much and
prays that you forgave him before you left us." Please listen to my little girl,
JonBenet, when you are at her grave. She will talk to you about me. If you have a
rose, please place it on her grave for me. And tell her for me, "I know your
Prince, JonBenet. I know Daxis. He wants me to tell you he loves you so much and
wants you so bad. He is so sorry he cannot be here at your grave with you. Your
Prince Daxis loves you so much, JonBenet."
I want you to know that I have not talked to anyone about my investigation since I
left the U.S. years ago. I feel strongly about it and found comfort in releasing
it after so long. There is much you don't know about it. There is much I can't
share. I wish I could but I can't.
It is always so sweet to talk about JonBenet. Though she is dead, I still want her
in a sexual way. Have I ever told you that? She still turns me on. I still have
sexual fantasies about her. I feel guilty about it. But she was my little lover. I
was so in love with her. I wanted her so bad and I still do. I wish now I would
have taken her. She would be alive now. I am so pleased that her father
acknowledges my love for his daughter. It means a lot to me.
I did not mean to give you the wrong impression when I said you only know the half
of my life. I did say to you that this is not necessarily anything bad - at least
not to me. You MUST know that I have never killed a child with the exception of
JonBenet's accidental death. Please believe me. I am not a killer. Michael, I
don't get a high from watching a child die. That is horrible and evil. It is just
that there is a lot you do not know about me. The book will be written as it
should; to serve the purpose needed - the points I made when I was talking to you.
I am taking JonBenet back. She belongs with me. And I will assure that the public
gets their bloody hands off her deceased mother. But I have to do it my way. It
will be the best way. I won't let anyone down.
I am
him.
have
him.
talk
that
sending a very short message that I want you to deliver to John when you see
I pray you will get the mail in time. I will keep it brief in case you might
to write it down. If you print it, please do not give this entire mail to
Cut away the part that is only for him and hand it to him, please. I wish to
to him only if he is convinced I was with his daughter when she died. I feel
he does.
1
000807
"I was so deeply touched that you expressed your appreciation for my love
for your little girl. Your wonderful words of my connection to JonBenet
meant so much to me. I did love her so and continue to love her. Thank you
for your wonderful prayers. I don't deserve such kindness from you but I
need it very much and appreciate it more than you could know. John, I am so
sorry. I have lost all hope of expressing my sorrow to Patricia. I am
overwhelmed with grief over her death and have cried as I have when my own
mother died. I've lost her forever. I pray that she said something before
she passed away that would indicate that she forgave me and that I brought
her some degree of closure in that she finally knew who killed her child.
You asked for my help and I am here to tell you that I will most definitely
help you. I will do it in my own way but I am certain that I can clear
Patricia's name. I will do what is within my power. I wish to talk to you,
John. I wish to tell you, with my own voice, how sorry I am. You don't have
to forgive me. I only ask that you listen to my deepest apology - please,
dearest father of my sweet JonBenet?"
Daxis
required
2
000808
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
To Daxis:
Hi, I'm back in my, increasingly, beloved mountains and my ever beloved
dogs. You hate adults, I hate urbanity. I' m really, seriously tired.
Tomorrow, I can do one or two things. I can email you about Atlanta, or I
can call you. My preference is the latter, if only because speaking is my
natural medium. One thing I should say, up front, is that when I looked at
Patsy in the open casket she was at peace. I did however have this strange
feeling that now, finally, she understood. It was a curious, surreal
feeling. More tomorrow. Now it's slumber, with my dogs hogging the bed. m
1
000809
rage i UI -r
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu] Sent: Saturday, July 01, 2006 11:20 PM
To: Bennett, Tom; Andrew Smit
Michael,
I am pleased that you have returned. I've been through true hell since you've
gone. I paid a private tribute to Patricia during her funeral at the very moment
it was happening. It was horrible for me not to be there. I cried a lot. I sang
songs to her - old hymns that are sung at funerals; not Catholic at all. There's
an old song called "Farther Along" that was for her and I sang it as her funeral
was happening:
"Farther along we'll know all about it, Farther
along we'll understand why. Cheer up my sister,
live in the sunshine. We'll understand it, all by
and by."
I hope she understood Daxis and his connection to her daughter, JonBenet.
Because, if she did not, "by and by" is over now. That old song just came to
me during her funeral. It was the perfect song to sing for her. And I sang it
and cried and cried.
"One thing I should say, up front, is that when I looked at Patsy in the open
casket she was at peace. I did however have this strange feeling that now,
finally, she understood. It was a curious, surreal feeling."
Did you convey those messages to her for me? Somehow, I think I will never
get an answer to that from you. That was my final attempt to send a message
to her, i.ff not to do anything more than
to think of my name as you stood before her. And what of JonBenet? Did you
listen to her? Did you hear her say "Daxis"?
How did you feel Patricia finally understood? Was her understanding from my
words, from my letters to her? Or are you speaking off some supernatural power
that she now has through death that all things are now unfolded before her?
I have thought about it over and over, trying to find some peace in all this for
myself but .1 come up with nothing. For me, I have found hopelessness. I
might find comfort in the fact that, possibly, I was the last person to evoke
thoughts in her of her
000810
7/11/2006
raro
4. Ui -t
daughter's death. Daxis was the last name she associated with her child's
death. That she was convinced? I received nothing that leads me to believe
that she was. As a matter of fact, John said just the opposite and his words
now cut like a knife. But she did want to meet me which, I suppose is all I
have to hang onto - to prove that she took my letters and all the information
seriously. I don't know. I was not there. I'll never know. I'll never
understand it, farther along. And we should hope that she did. You saw
peace in her face? That is precious. I respect that. But how could she
have ever had closure without my confession to her and without her
forgiveness of me? Help me understand that? Just give me one little precious
piece that would confirm that and I might have a small degree of peace and
closure myself. The reality is, it's over.
"I'm back in my, increasingly, beloved mountains and my ever beloved
dogs. You hate adults, I hate urbanity."
In many ways, I regret how I talked to you during our last conversation. I
don't want you to think I am this horrible person who hates and harbors
bitterness against all adults. I don't want you to think I am a criminal, a
person who talks to you like some bitter old prisoner that you interview at
Folsom or Leavenworth. I don't want you to think I am a killer. But those
adults that I dislike, think all those things of me. The "adult condition" kept
me from making peace with Patricia. I begged and pleaded and still I was not
allowed to talk to her as if I was nothing, worthless, a criminal and a killer. I
can predict the future based on the past actions of adults in my life. I
predicted to you that I would never be allowed to make that connection with
Patricia and I was very correct. I have another prediction. This book that I am
pouring over, will never be published. Those adults, like the ones who have
destroyed me in the past, will make sure of it. You will never find a publisher
for the piece of controversy. My life has become just like the ending of W.H.
Auden's poem, "For nothing now can ever come to any good."
"Tomorrow, I can do one or two things. I can email you about Atlanta,
or I can call you. My preference is the latter, iff only because speaking
is my natural medium.."
You know I would love a call from you anytime. I will tell. you that I cannot
hear most of what you say. The connection is not good. If you are using a cell
phone, make sure you are receiving a good signal. Please do call me. I will be
waiting for your call in your morning. I do stay up quite late so if your
morning becomes noon, that would be ok too. I am trying to get work again
and will commence interviewing again next week. I am hoping to get a job
teaching year two. That would help me. I could be with little girls again.
When I am away from them, I die. Now that Patricia is gone forever, I no
longer listen for calls 24 hours per day. The calls
will have to cone in your morning. Otherwise, the phone is not even
00081 1
7/11/2006
on. Actually, the same phone has to be used for local calls instead of being
dedicated to just calls from you and remotely possible, John. Again, please
call me this morning, your time. I will be waiting. I promise not to talk. I will.
just listen, if I can hear you. I'm sorry :[ talked so much last time.
I have been working on Part Two of the book every day. Just hours prior to
Patricia's funeral, I was working fervishly on the section about her child. I
decided not to skip on to Part Three. I have written of my feelings on pageants,
of my entrance into the house, about the note, the way I took her. Most
importantly, I have written of the last stage of our love making - asphyxia
erotica final. I am starting today on my writings of her final moments. This will
be horrible for me. I have skipped past some of the earlier parts of our
interaction and have gone straight to the most difficult to write. It is horrific to
write all this down, Michael. You might be pleased to know that the chapters
are filled with dialogue between JonBenet and me. I once told you that if I
shared that dialogue with you, you wouldn't believe it. As I write it, I don't think
anyone who reads it will ever believe those conversations took place. But what
can I do about that? I think the public will scoff. Otherwise, I think they will be
very cruel. I don't think I owe anyone a glimpse into our private moments - our
conversations that night. I only do this because you told me I must be detailed
and tell everything to make an impact. Well, I am. telling everything I can
possibly remember. It is in a style very unique to me. I have never written like
this before. The style alone is extremely difficult. No publisher will ever take on
this project. It is too controversial. Some will say it is a blasphemy
to the memory of JonBenet Ramsey. What can I do about that? I can hold my
secrets or I can reveal them. I think it is all or nothing. I am giving it my all. In
seriousness, I don't know how much longer I can do it. I have to force myself to
write everyday. Maybe now, you will resume writing or calling me. I don't think
you will. I was all alone during Patricia's funeral. Will I be all alone during the
writing of this book? Surely my friend Michael would not do that to me. I have
faith that you will not. Has Patricia's death changed things? Do you feel
differently about things now?
Michael, you once told me that you wanted to accomplish two things: first, to
connect me with Patricia for our mutual closure and secondly, to publish this
book. The first mission failed. What of the next mission? You did accomplish to
get my letters before her and to deliver my information to her. That was valuable
to me if not to her. I thank you for that. But our mission for closure failed. And
what of the thought of me connecting with her father? I have no faith in it. Her
sister would call me first and that will never be. Because enough is enough. I
wanted only to talk to Patricia and now I have "settled" for John. I won't be
passed down the line anymore - not that anyone in JonBenet's family would have
anything to do with me. I am merely making a point. To say I am
000812
7/11/2006
1 NF,.. . Sri .
hurt is beneath the level of these emotions I feel. It is the
fulfillment of the curse cast upon me for the death of a
little girl. As I write my words of that night in 1996, I am
constantly reminded, "Daxis, they're not going to hear
these words. No one ever listens to you until it's too late.
No one ever listens." There will be no closure; there will
be no book; there will be no life for me after my lover's
death.
Daxis
required htip://www.hushmail.com/send?1=480
00081 3
7/11/2006
From:
Sent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Saturday, July 01, 2006 11:22 PM
Michael,
You said you would call me today. I am waiting. It is getting quite late
here. Might you call? I sent a mail to you yesterday. Did you receive it?
Shall we resume?
Daxis
1
000814
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Sunday, July 02, 2006 3:37 PM
Michael,
It's been difficult not to be able to talk to you for so long. I need
someone to talk to about JonBenet. Especially now that I am writing of her
death. I have reached the part where I am escaping from the house at 755. I
must tell you that this account does not take volumes of pages. It is much
less in pages than I thought it would be. There is only so much I can tell
about four or so hours spent total in that house, if that. The way I am
telling the story, cuts out everything but the moment by moment events.
There is no commentary.
"i will call you tomorrow morning."
I hope so, friend. I have this number for one more week. If only I know
that you or John find it valuable, I will get a new number. I am sorry but
it will again be a +66 number - just not this one after a week.
Thank you for telling me more of the funeral. I saw nothing of it but
made the vast mistake of reading one new item which yielded something
that truly has upset me. It is not for me to expose myself to any news
coverage.
"Seeing JonBenet's grave again was heartbreaking. I did imagine you being
there on those many occasions."
Knowing that you saw it, and I could not, is even more heartbreaking for
me. Did you think about my kisses on her little name as you saw it engraved
before you? I suppose you did not relay my precious message to her. You
never mentioned it. This is similar to how you did not respond to me
concerning the note I asked you to place at 755 on Christmas night. You
didn't respond to that for months.
"She had a very clear understanding of your connection with her
daughter."
That will have to be enough. What kind of connection did she think I had,
I wonder?
"There were throngs of people and so it wasn't always that
easy to speak with John. I did however manage to talk with him. I
specifically asked him if Patsy had read your emails. She did. Extremely
carefully, and more than one time. I also got the impression that had she
been able to she would have very much liked
to have met with you. That though was impossible given her
condition."
I already knew that she read my e-mails. I did not know she read them
several times. I already knew she wanted to meet me. I feel guilty that
I could not meet her. That would have been the most appropriate action
to take. It would have been the ultimate.
"let me put it this way, I was thinking about you and her I
000815
simultaneously, I silently asked her what she would have said to you in
light of your desire for her forgiveness."
Did she respond? Can you hear the dead as I can? Thank you.
""And what of JonBenet? Did you listen to her? Did you hear her say
"Daxis"?""
"I'll let you into my own little secret: I'm always listening to
JonBenet. I have for many years. it is a curious contradiction in my
mental make up because I am not given to the mystical and
transcendental."
You didn't answer my question. I respect greatly that you listen to
JonBenet always. But why don't you tell me what she is saying to you? After
all, I am her Closest. Listen to her now. She's been whispering in your ear
for some time now about me. Hasn't she, Michael... You can understand those
messages anytime you're ready.
"I was thinking about the letters. As I said above John told me that
she read then very carefully. She read the details and was apparently
very stoic."
What is your definition of stoic. To me, this means she had no response.
Would it not have been very emotional for her? I cannot bear to tell what
Wood said about their last conversation. Read this:
KING: What were her last days like?
WOOD: Well, I saw her a couple of weeks ago, a couple of weeks before her
death, and she was, she was tired. I think she recognized that she was
finally not going to win the battle. She made a comment to me after we had
shared breakfast together that she hoped the investigators out in Boulder
would hurry up and catch the killer of her child. In her words she said,
because I'm about to conk out.
If what he is saying is correct, she never believed I killed her daughter.
If what he said is correct, all that I did was in vain. If what he said is
correct, it proves that the Ramseys want the police to nab the killer and I
am that person. If what he said is correct, she never believed in Daxis.
Why would her attorney say this if it was not what she conveyed. Two weeks
prior to her death, she had read my letters. At that point, why would she
not share that with her close friend and attorney? This upsets me to no
end. What little amount of satisfaction I could garner is now lost.
"No, but I suppose if you believe in the supernatural it would be
reasonable to conclude that she now has total insight into the events
of Christmas night and everything else about your relationship with
JonBenet; where you met; how the relationship unfolded and so on."
Yes, I know that she must unless secrets are held in Paradise. Where we
met.... I cannot reveal that in the book or to you or to John. You
understand that, don't you? You're going to have to accept that as is the
world. I am giving a lot. I think my offer is a good one. It is my best.
"To be honest, I did not get any clear sense of what Patsy's view was,
though this was perhaps because I didn't get very much time to speak
with him, and I was obviously trying to be discrete. However, there
is one way to find out, you can ask him. You can call him or he can
2
000816
call you. He is only too willing to do this. He made that very
clear.
He wants to speak with you. Are you open to this? Are you ready? I
must admit that i would love to be in a position to listen in, but
What were his words of talking to me? I was extremely open to it
until I read a quote from their attorney and obviously their best
friend, Lin Wood. What he said changes a lot and confirms quite a bit
of my fears and concerns about a connection with the Ramseys all
along. What is the use of me calling the Paugh's answering machine? I
did that once and it did no good. If I can find a way to get past the
Lin Wood comment, I would have to set a time and day for his call so
that I would be at my best for the conversation. I DO think it is
very important that I make peace with someone connected to JonBenet.
Am I ready? Yes. Am I nervous? Extremely. Can you imagine confessing
that you murdered a man's child? Can you imagine apologizing for it?
Is John ready? He is only ready if he is convinced that I killed his
daughter before he calls me. Can you also imagine what it would be
like to talk to your daughter's killer - to hear his confession and
listen to his apology? Could John or I ever be truly prepared for
this call? It is now down to a decision of my trust in John and his
family.
Michael, listen carefully please - This is what I want with John. I
want a private connection with him, ongoing. I want to provide him
with a way to talk to me whenever he needs to. I want a promise from
him that he will not bring in law enforcement. I want to know that he
will not want me to turn myself in - that he will not view this as an
opportunity to seek "justice" for JonBenet. Justice has already been
served through my confession and apology and through my guilt, loss
and suffering. I wish to explain the events through this book. I do
not wish to be pushed into any corners with questions I don't want to
answer, posed by John. Though I do not deserve any respect, I seek
some degree of respect, through a deep relationship with the father
of JonBenet. I wish to atone for my sins in my own way - through a
confession and an apology. I seek forgiveness. Since closure is
impossible for me, I still seek it for John. I wish to stay in touch
with him from now on. I want a special relationship with him that
will only be known to you, to me, and to John. I do not wish for him
to go public with our connection. I will not write about it in the
book. I will only write of my guilt, of Patricia, of my hopes for the
parents of JonBenet to be healed, though quite impossible now with
Patricia. I want to feel comfortable to meet John in person without
fear that it is a police set up or that the press or anyone with a
camera is near by. And that is my unique request - my wishes. It is
actually my offer. It is a good one. John will never receive such an
offer like this again in his lifetime. I wanted this for Patricia. It
takes a lot for me to let that die and now extend the same to John.
"I did. It was moving and sad at the same time. It was as if she
were
asleep. It occurred to me that it was somewhat like JonBenet after
she died. The photos of her make it look like she is sleeping. Is
that how you remember her, or was it too dark? In fact, what is
your
final memory of her?"
Yes, it was dimly lit. Oh God, your question is so important but
causes me so much pain. In my writings in this book, I have
3
that will be impossible. Still than
any I can make."
000817
that call is much more important
revealed new things that even you have not read yet, though you will be the
first to read those words. My last most memorable moment of looking into
her face was when she went into her final dream state as I applied pressure
on her neck. I describe it in detail in the book. I will let you read it
then. Another of my final memories occurred after I delivered the final
blow and I had taken her down and I sat on the ground and held her and
cried. This was our goodbye, I suppose. My final memory is what haunts me
and makes me feel such horrible guilt due to the way I left her in such a
horrid condition. I had planned a more ideal final memory of her but was
hastened to a quick escape. And worse, I now find out that my fears were
unfounded - that possibly, no one was awake and I possibly had all the time
in the world to prepare her body and to say goodbye to her. There was no
goodbye. I have blocked out my final memory of JonBenet for ten years. I
suppose I must admit that my last memory of JonBenet was very much what
John found the next morning.... in that little hiding place. And how
horrible was that?
""But how could she have ever had closure without my confession to her and
without her forgiveness of me?""
"She did have your confession in the e-mails. She died knowing that there
was Daxis who was accepting responsibility for the death of her daughter. I
have a sense, however, that there came a point where she
was beyond everything... she just wanted to see JonBenet in the
hereafter. She's there now."
Thank God she died knowing of Daxis. Thank God she had a written
confession and apology from me though I wanted to make a better apology.
I just want to know that she accepted me - that she accepted that I took
her daughter's life.
""In many ways, I regret how I talked to you during our last
conversation. I don't want you to think I am this horrible person who
hates and harbors bitterness against all adults.""
"You did seem angry at most adults."
"Most" and "all" are two words with different degrees of meaning. And I
am not keen on most adults. I have suffered at their hands for a long
time.
"Actually nothing is further from the truth. You are well spoken, clear,
passionate. You don't sound like a criminal, though I admit to not
speaking with anyone recently from a major penitentiary."
Thank you. I try to be as articulate as possible. Spoken expression was a
must in my family. I was raised to express myself in any situation; to
entertain guests in the most appropriate of ways. It is a Southern
tradition. It is my paradoxical gift. It saves me; it destroys me. I thank
you for listening to me for an hour. That meant a lot to me. I could talk
for ten hours straight. I could talk to you until my voice completely
ceases to function. I am glad you see my passion. It is most evident when I
speak of JonBenet and of other little girls I have loved.
"I don't think of you as a killer. I do think of you as the person who
ended JonBenet's life. Do you see the distinction I'm making. It is
important that you understand that I understand the difference."
It is difficult
you do not have
mostly, I don't
you do, most of
to see the distinction but I think I understand. I hope
a wish to see me rot in prison. That concerns me. But
want you to hate me or to wish me harm. I don't feel that
the time. It is important that I
4
00081 8
know how you really feel about me. Could you ever be close to a man who
loved a little girl as I loved JonBenet - close to a man who took her life?
She was just a little girl.
"But you did make the connection. She read the mails. She knew about
Daxis."
I didn't make the connection I wanted to make and needed to make. I am
pleased that I made some semblence of a connection with her. But it fell
short. I failed. I tried; I begged; I pleaded - but I failed. I needed that
forgiveness. I needed that satisfaction to know that I delivered an apology
and it was accepted. You see, Michael, she heard from me but I never heard
from her. And that is what is killing me. She read my words but never heard
my voice. One side of me does not believe that there is an afterlife. One
side of me says that we must experience everything on this earth; and when
this life ends, all is over. And what we did not experience on this earth
in this life, shall never be experienced.
"Which adults. This doesn't make sense. this is you at your worst, so
self doubting, so self flagellating. THE BOOK WILL HAPPEN DAXIS."
Daxis at his worst? Do you find what I say detestable? Yes, I am selfdoubting. I wasn't always like that until my life turned around ten years
ago and then took a drastic negative dive not so long after that. But thank
you for your emphatic assurance that this book will happen. The publishers
might change your view of me. I have no idea. What if no one believes me?
Yes, you must write in the book why you are convinced. While we are on the
subject, it is July. Please commence writing what you will contribute to
this book. I have some ideas past a profile and your expression of why you
are convinced that I am the person who took JonBenet's life. For instance,
what about an interview? It could be written in the book. When you see how
I have written of the accounts of that night, you might see that some form
of commentary might be in order. In this case, the commentary can be
replaced with an interview. Would you like a personal interview? Whatever
happens, we must hurry.
"I try and comport with your wishes. Why don't you just tell me
what
time zone you are in, then I will know the window i can work
within,
though to be honest if I have to wake you up, then i have to wake
you
up."
No problem waking me up. Two out three of your calls has awakened me. I am
just at my best when I am already awake. I was in deep sleep when you
called me last and we had an explosive one hour conversation. But I will
say that I no longer keep my phone alive while I sleep. The main reason for
this is that I am concerned that possibly John might phone me and I
definitely don't want to talk to him without preparation. Call me anytime,
Michael.
""I am trying to get work again and will commence interviewing again
next week. I am hoping to get a job teaching year two.""
"do you mean grade level two?"
The little British children I know call grade two, year two. The children I
would be teaching would be 7 to 8 years old - grade two. I have taught
grade two in the past. It is a lovely age.
""That would help me. I could be with little girls again. when I am away
from them, I die.,
5
00081 9
"No you don't "die," you suffer, i know it pains you when there are no
young girls in your life."
Whatever you say, Michael - then, I suffer. Let me just say that, when I
am not with little girls, I am not in the land of living.
"No, you ARE the story. I'm the one whose role is to listen."
Thank you. That is very kind of you to say. I've been criticized in the
past for talking too much and not listening enough. Maybe that is what you
want me to do - to talk. If that is the case, I can make you very happy.
You're such a good friend, Michael. I trust you. I admit, I need you. I
hope you're up to it. I know your British reserve won't allow you to get
close to me. I don't mean to embarrass you. I have no one to talk to about
this but you. Patricia's gone. I have no more contact with my father. He's
probably dead. Anyway, thanks for listening to me. Responses are also good.
And then, there's John. I wonder if he is up to talking to the likes of me?
"Daxis, if I thought I wouldn't believe it then you and I would not be
having this conversation. I am eager, seriously eager, to read what you
have written. This is the core of the book."
It's been hell to write. I will be so glad when it is over. The great thing
about writing this book is the fact that I will never have to write it
again. That can be a famous quote from Daxis. Once is enough to rehash
those horrid memories. And I do want the world to know. I do not hate the
public that will embrace my words and realize their true worth.
""But what can I do about that? I think the public will scoff."" "Right
now, fuck the public. It is what it is."
Thank you. You use my favorite angry word - fuck. You are right. I must
stop thinking of those who will doubt me while I write this down. I
actually reread my words and say out loud, "God, this is going to make so
many people completely outraged." and "No one's ever going to believe she
said this." or "No one is ever going to believe that it happened this
way." As I write it, I have a deep fear that law enforcement will find me.
I think about John's reaction. I think about the Paugh's reaction. Why did
you not tell me that Patricia's mother was dead? I think about the hate of
people who read it. But I also think about the skeptics. As I write it, I
think of all the ways the skeptics will take it apart and try to prove me a
liar. This is one big concern. If I am doubted, the book is nothing. If I
am doubted, all is lost. And I ask myself, "Though this is true, should I
omit it for the sake of casting off any doubt of the events of that
night?" Do you understand what I'm saying? Verstehen Sie mich?
""It is in a style very unique to me.""
"I know, but you do just happen to have a unique story to tell."
Yes, I do. In Part Three, my style of writing is intended to make the
reader feel as though they are there, watching it all unfold before their
very eyes. I am exposing my secrets and it is difficult. My most
sensitive and passionate sides are exposed for the world to see.
"For good or ill, there is in this day and age no such thing as "too
controversial." The more controversial the better. the more detail the
better. hell, I'm a cynical Brit and you've got me going."
6
000820
Good to know I "have you going"
I know you are cynical. I know that
convincing you is possibly half the battle. But I do think there are
certain things that are too controversial to be accepted for print. Maybe
you're right. I'll believe it when I see it. That is, I will believe it
when I see the publisher approaching with an acceptance.
""Some will say it is a blasphemy to the memory of JonBenet Ramsey. What
can I do about that? I can hold my secrets or I can reveal them.""
"Reveal them to the world. You've already revealed them to me and John
and Patsy."
You ain't seen nothing yet. Please pardon the grammar. Patricia did not get
to see what will be written in the book. I am opening up more. As I write
it, I say to myself, if only her mother could have read this.
""Has Patricia's death changed things? Do you feel differently about
things now?""
"No. I remain as i have from the beginning totally committed to
understanding I have never flinched from providing this place where you
can share the agony, the passion, the feelings."
Thank you very much. Thank you for your unwavering faith in me. Thank you
for allowing me a chance to sit here for three hours and write this mail.
I have so much agony and passion to share as long as someone is listening.
"See above. if you want to talk, he'll talk. Hell, why don't I suggest
that we follow up on your suggestion of meeting and John and I could
both be there? I have no idea how that could be arranged, since John is,
like me, basically broke, but as the cliche has it, where there's a will
there's a way."
Strange that you mention that. I thought of it after Patricia pass away. I
think that is how it will happen - a meeting that includes all three of us.
Will John be kind to me? Is he a kind man to those who love him? Would he
be kind to a man who was so in love with his child? His note was kind. He
asked for my help. He respected my love for his child. I know you did not
give my message to him. Maybe you could call him and read it to him. God
knows I cannot without his phone number.
""I have no faith in it. Her sister would call me first and that will
never be.""
"What does this mean?"
She would want talk to me because of her deep desire to know the
answers. I will not talk to her.
"Daxis, please. The book will happen. Your name will be public
knowledge, through the book, and for ever associated with JonBenet."
Oh God, please let that happen. I need to be with her some way, somehow.
I need to take her back. I want to be forever remembered as Daxis with
his JonBenet forever. Please help me do that?
"I will call tomorrow.."
I will wait again for your call.
7
000821
Daxis
8
000 822_
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent: Sunday, July 02, 2006 3:39 PM
To:
Michael,
This is a short note about the call. I waited for
your call until 2 AM yesterday. Please call
tomorrow. I have opted to cut the phone off when I
am asleep. Tomorrow morning Boulder time?
Concerning time zones, I am giving you times that
are best for me: mornings or late nights in Boulder.
Otherwise, just consider I am on the opposite side
of the world. Whatever time it is at your place,
just flip it around. Day your place, night my place
and vice versa. You know I don't want to reveal my
whereabouts...
"Two points here: a) I don't quite understand
the point you are making about local calls;"
Forget I mentioned it. It's too
complicated to explain. "b) if you want
to talk to John he will call. "
I need to talk to you about this. I came across
something very disturbing yesterday. You know I
purposely stay away from any press but I was tempted
yesterday and I ran across a quote by Lin Wood. It
has me really upset.
"And while we are on the subject, why did you try
and test me about the English number? Trace you? I
wouldn't know how, and law enforcement would never
take me seriously. I was actually quite upset and
disappointed about this."
Upset as in angry? Why would you get angry with me?
It was such a big step for me to provide any phone
number. Disappointed you? Michael, you don't know
what it is like to be on the run. I did not have to
give that number in England. That was an extension
of trust to you and to the Ramseys at the time. If
you call that number in England, I won't be there.
Ok? That number has been valid for a long time. The
+66 number will be valid for one more week. I am
sorry I upset you. The bottom line is, I was trying
to keep you and the Ramseys connected on a more
permanent basis. Sorry if you did not get that
impression.
Remember, the +66 number will be valid for one more
week. And I am not present in England to receive a
call there. If I feel that anyone wishes to talk to
me after this week, I will find a way to get a new
number. If not, I won't be accessible via phone.
Daxis
1
000823
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey [Michael. Tracey@colorado.edu]
Michael,
You said you would call me today. I am waiting. It is getting quite late
here. Might you call? I sent a mail to you yesterday. Did you receive it?
Shall we resume?
Daxis
1
000824
Bennett, Tom
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 5:46 PM
To:
Subject: just in ' he's becoming sparse in his use of words. Advice?
No call, no mail
1
001045
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Tuesday, July 04, 2006 3:56 PM
Here's the latest from today. I spent about 100 minutes with him on the
phone. By then I'd had enough and agreed that he could finish the story on
Thursday. Basically, it is a very, very detailed account of what he says
happened. Very explicit. We got to the first act of asphyxiation. Thursday
will be the final details. As ever with this guy, who knows. I have to
admit that some of what he said was so bizarre it felt real. m
Michael,
"Daxis, I will be calling you tomorrow am Boulder time. I look forward
to continuing our conversation. Tell me what you need to tell me ahead
of my reading it."
I always like to get a call from you. It is now my only time to hear from
you and, of course, I am the one doing all the talking. I will try to
tell you as much as possible. Your last call 37 minutes so I doubt we'll
cover much today. I wrote more last night. I haven't thought of so much
of that night in ten years. There's a lot I've forgotten. Please try to
call as early as possible. I am so exhausted at 1 or 2 Am when you
usually call. I want to be at my best.
"I'll continue. I have to say that today I have had the most God awful
headaches. Quite worrying really."
Don't die on me, Michael.... Sometimes I think God is against all this.
I have been stopped in my tracks at every turn so far. Are you sure
you're up for a phone call with an awful headache?
"The issue isn't what i think, the issue is what you want to tell me.
I'm the listener, with the occasional question"
No Michael. I need your responses.... I've given up on them though. You
were behind answering my mails prior to the funeral by some three mails.
Now you don't answer my mails for days at a time unless they are the
short notes like this one. I see the writing on the wall, or the lack of
writing that you are phasing your responses out. That's a mistake,
Michael. Wish you wouldn't do that. I will assure you, it will stop me
from writing anything past these short messages - and they are of little
substance.
"such as when i asked you why Christmas night. Your response was
interesting."
Why was it interesting? You know that this case is not as deep and
mysterious and everyone thinks. Just people living their lives and
finding ways to have fabulous people in their lives. In my case, her
name was JonBenet Ramsey.
"The question for tomorrow is obvious: what happened in that
room?"
That's going to be difficult. I have written most of it. I will tell
you. But you're not going to believe what you hear. I thought I should
tell you also about the start of it all. If I cut to the last scene,
you lose so much. You won't understand any of it at
1
000826
that point. But time is of the essence on your calls and
so I shall cut to the final scene.
""You are talking to a man who had to leave his own
country to get away from law enforcement. I am wandering
aimlessly around the world, lost and afraid.""
"But you are not aimless. You are a dedicated teacher.
How can that be aimless?"
Thank you, Michael. Most of the time, I have been
wandering and afraid. I never know where I will be in a
week or a month or a day.
Yesterday, I went to that job interview I told you about.
It was in a very posh international school. The school is
immaculate and beautiful inside. I attended the interview
and they were so impressed with me, I was hired on the
spot. They set up an impromptu meeting with the headmaster
on the spot who hired me then and there. They all kept
telling me how impressed they were with me. The headmaster
even complimented my appearance. I told him my age and he
said, "You don't look 41. You look like you're just out of
university." The pay is the highest for a teacher in the
country - still not going to get rich teaching. But there
was a catch. They wanted a police report. I went back and
forth a little. Then I pointed out that I had to have a
police report to get my teaching certificate, which was
true. The assistant headmaster then said, "Ok, that will
suffice." But if they bring it up again, I'm screwed. I'll
just have to quit; and that would be a pity. The position
is supposedly for grade two but they said they might place
me in one or three. Either way, I will be with my little
girls 6 to 9 years old, which ever of those grades I get.
The position starts in the middle of August. I will be
going next week to prepare my classroom. I can say once
again that I am a primary school teacher. This is the
position I will hold when the DAXIS book comes out, if it
does... This is an international school. I asked if
American children attend and he responded, "Of course." I
haven't worked with an American child since I left
America. I pray for a little American girl just like
JonBenet. That would be heaven - wouldn't it?
"The book is key. When will you send me the next sections?"
it will be awhile. I am writing it in spots. I am going
back and forth from the last moments to the first,
writing what I can bear to write and also writing things
that are coming back to me. Ideally, I need to undergo
hypnosis and record the conversations I have with the
hypnotist about that night. It's tough. Even when I do
remember the events, it is difficult to describe and
emotional to write.
The other problem is that my outline is turning upside
down. I am having to switch things around, take things
out, add things and more. I thought it would be cut and
dried but it isn't. Everything must be chronological and
well organized. My writing is clashing with my outline.
At times, I have to stop writing to revise the outline.
The other concern is the length. It does not seem as
lengthy as I thought it would be. As I said before,
there is only so much you can say about a few hours.
Your contribution is important. I mentioned an interview
but you didn't respond. I offered a live interview - no
response.
One more thing that is interesting is the fact that
JonBenet said "Ok" and "yes" quite a bit. I want to write
it because every little word she said is of paramount
importance. But it does look a bit
2
odd to write "Ok" on one lone line. I don't care. That is the way it will
be. Her "ok" and "yes" was so important. Oh God, I love that little girl
so much, still.
The writing style is extremely difficult because I was always
discouraged from writing in the present tense. That is how every
sentence and every word is written. It must be written that way. You'll
see how powerful the effect is when you read it.
We could get on with wrapping up on questions you have about that note. I
had been waiting on that until you catch up with my letters, but I have
given up on that. I have come to a halt on that chapter although I have
written what we have discussed so far. The strange thing about the note is
that it shows up in another place entitled, "The Parents' Room" and is much
more interesting. You'll see why. You mentioned once about movie references
in the note? That's strange; as you know I make references to films here in
our letters. You must point out the phrases in particular because I don't
remember them.
I have completed other sections but will not send them until their
associated chapter is completed. I work on it every day. I must get as much
completed before I start work.
""I regret that I blurted out to you in 10 seconds, the room
JonBenet and I were in. I shouldn't have done that.""
"Why do you regret?"
Because it was a sacred revelation? Were you surprised as to the
location?
"I will when this fucking headache leaves and I have the focus and energy
which your emails do require."
I hope so, Michael. Even my notes are long... You are so far behind on your
responses to my mails, I give up. I do appreciate the calls though I know
they will be rare. Have you not purchased a discount calling card? What
will CU think of calls to the far east? You do realize that you work and
live in Paradise.
I am nervous about the call. I hope we have a good connection. I
can go through with this. It's going to be difficult. As I write
final events, I think of how easy it would have been NOT to have
JonBenet. If only we had not engaged in that last act, she would
sixteen - not forever six.
hope I
of the
lost
be
Daxis
required
3
000828
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
Thursday, July 06, 2006 10:13 AM
To:
Michael,
"Daxis, I found our phone conversation yesterday both fascinating and
curiously exhausting. Taking in so much, hearing the details, was truly remarkable. I
appreciate your candour, your willingness to share an experience that I know is
difficult for you."
Thank you for your appreciation. I could sense you were exhausted. I usually stop
talking when I notice exhaustion but I really wanted to get it out before I changed my
mind to share it altogether. It was difficult to start out but, once I did, it was fabulous.
I have never told another living soul about those conversations and events. Writing it
was one thing but actually telling you with my own voice was fantastic. I knew it
would be and this is why I did it. I will likely never speak of it again. Consider yourself
privileged.
"When will you feel able to send me what you have written."
I don't know, Michael. I might send a section at a time instead of a chapter. I believe
the whole matter of writing has taken its toll. Yesterday, I couldn't write at all. I just
sat in front of my computer for hours trying to recall the details of the final moments.
When I think I have everything organized in my head, it all seems to fall apart. I spent
that down time reorganizing the chapters. There are now sixteen chapters. I am not
sure there will be even 200 pages. You have to consider that we are talking A4 size
paper that I am using to write in Microsoft word which will be equivalent to more
pages in a book. You seemed to want 300 to 400 pages from me. I can't deliver that.
The final chapter is up in the air since I never had contact with Patricia Ramsey. What
is there to write? You've stopped mentioning John. I guess I will have to either drop
the final chapter or rename it. It was meant to be a circle, my mother to JonBenet's
mother, but now that circle is broken and lost forever.
"Actually, your memory of that night has clearly recovered considerably.
The detail was extraordinary."
Thank you. I am glad you are pleased. I wanted it to be perfect and I think it was. It
was extraordinary when it occurred. I wanted it to be extraordinary when you heard it
from me. However, you don't understand that there were things missing. The events
leading up to the final moments are clear; however, the event of her death is scattered
and disorganized. That's why I can't share that with you today via phone. I still
welcome your call but imagine you won't be interested if you don't get that
information. After our last conversation, I realized more than ever that I must be
careful what I say to you. I must not do anything to discredit myself. Michael, I took
JonBenet's life. I know that. But no one else knows it. You still seem to believe Smit
more than me, pointing out his hypothesis of where we were when she died. Why
would you even consider that, after her killer told you otherwise? And by the way,
replace the word "magic" with "special". And another thing, you asked if I have ever
done anything with ropes before and I said no. You put me on the spot. I'm very
defensive - it's built in after
1
000829
all I have gone through with law enforcement. The last people I talked to
in such a way was fucking law enforcement. But you knew the answer
already. Have you not read my book? See the following excerpt:
About a Girl of Ten or Twelve
"We dabbled in the more forbidden areas of sex. I never ceased to be
amazed with her darker interests and openness to kinky sex of a darker
sadistic or masochistic nature. She liked to be tied up while doing sexual
things with me. She liked to have certain straps or ropes placed around
her neck, sometimes routing the straps or ropes through her mouth and
around the back of her neck. Her sexual interests very much coincided with
my own and further ignited new interests in me that I did not know existed
until I merged with this hot little girl of ten or twelve."
"Yes, I noticed that on several occasions you asked if I had any
questions. I realize that asking questions has been very much my role
in this from the beginning and I normally find doing so comes naturally,
easily to me. However, I felt that what you had to say was
so important and interesting that didn't want to break the flow. I
think you spoke for about 90 minutes."
Total time for the call was 1.48 hours. Aside from that very unpleasant
ending, I believe I spoke 90 minutes or more. I did not realize I had
talked nonstop for that length of time. It was amazing. I'm glad you
stopped me. It is not time for me to release the rest of my secrets.
"No I'm not. It is the case that I have been feeling really crappy and
lacking in energy. Believe it or not when I write to you it can be
quite exhausting. Not the length, but the process. I read your mails
several times."
I appreciate the pains you go to to appropriately answer my mails. You are
not responding to many of my mails.... You are also not recalling what I
have written in the ones you have not responded to. That concerns me. But
something died in me when JonBenet's mother died. I stopped caring so much
about your responses or anything else. Oh, I still wish you would respond
but I am no longer going to write to you asking for one. You say this book
will be published but I will again be right - that book will remain a
secret document on my computer. Those events I described to you in graphic
detail will forever remain a secret. Not even her father cares to have
anything to do with me.
"But the substance will be in the book. That is why I am eager to read the
new chapters. And my sense is that you have decided to be as
detailed and specific as possible."
Again, you are phasing out mail correspondence. Mistake Michael, mistake.
But I have given up and when I give up, there is no point of return.
"Because of the way you described yourself as "sentimental." Does Christmas
have a particularly sentimental meaning for you and if so
what is it. i assume that it might be connected to your childhood. The
photo you sent me was a Christmas scene with a
beautiful, 2
000830
golden haired boy."
That was a photo of Heather O'Rourke. I have no photos of myself as a
child. I was a beautiful child with blond hair though it got darker quite
rapidly. My eyes were unreal. I wish I had photos. Of course, Christmas has
sentimental value. On December 25 1996, I wanted a little girl name
JonBenet for Christmas.
"I do believe. And i can see and feel why you had to move slowly through
the narrative of that night. We almost got to that last scene. What I will
be interested in hearing is why the tenderness of
everything seemed to change. What was it that made that happen. The
drawing of the blood for example. How you redressed her."
First of all, you have it all wrong. why do you still think her death was
violent? After all I have told you, you still think she was treated
violently at the end. Why?? Are you not listening to me? Are you just
determined that she was brutally murdered? I told you she remained calm. I
told you it was an accident. You say "the tenderness of everything
changed"? Just another reason it should remain my secret. Even after all
the explanations, you still think I am a violent killer? But you told me
you understood and that you did not consider me a killer at all. So
confusing. I am so confused.
I have questions for you. How do you think blood was drawn? Where did the
blanket come from? What was the role of the broken paint brush handle? Why
didn't I run out the side door as my escape? After all, I was already
upstairs running for my life to escape thinking someone had awakened. How
carefully have you read my book so far? And you know and I know that it is
not a book yet. They're just some scattered pages about the ground. Sound
familiar? Will my scattered pages be read and scrutinized once more?
"I hope that things work out for you in your splendid new school. Ii
was surprised when you told me that teachers need to provide a police
report, and in this case one from the US. What i couldn't
understand
is ho w one would choose a particular jurisdiction."
Thank you so much, Michael. I was very impressed that you mentioned my new
job in our phone conversation. It means you care about me as person and not
just because I was JonBenet Ramsey's lover. In the U.S., criminal checks
are carried out by the FBI. Teachers submit fingerprints. The FBI is
connected with all states. Any blotch in any of the 50 states shows up,
including arrest warrants. In England, the system is more relaxed. In
England, the agency is known as the CRB with a check that only shows
convictions. I will tell you that, prior to fleeing the U.S., I was not
convicted of a crime. This should remain unless I was convicted of some
crime in absentia. However, I know for certain that there are arrest
warrants. And that is what will show up in the FBI criminal check. Last
night, I got all upset about my new job. I am paranoid that the school will
persist in their desire for the check. What will I do? How will I even walk
away without breeding suspicion? I need something good in my life now but
this worry is causing me grief.
"I never knew this was required in the US, even though I have come to
understand that this place is incredibly bureaucratic, much more so
than the UK. I d believe, BTW, that teaching is one of, perhaps 3
000831
the,
most noble profession."
Thank you. I have likened teaching to being a member of the clergy.
""The position starts in the middle of August. I will be going next week to
prepare my classroom.""
"You don't hang about do you."
That is actually the school's requirement. They told me to show up and
prepare the classroom next week.
"When the book comes out, is called DAXIS, gets a huge amount of
publicity, aren't you worried that someone realize they have a teacher
with the same name? How will you handle that?"
First of all, how do you know I still use the name Daxis? Furthermore, as a
primary school teacher, I will be addressed by all staff and parents as Mr.
********. No one will ever recall that first name again. I know what I'm
doing. Also, I do not think anyone will ever hear of the DAXIS book in my
faraway location. Patricia's death did not even make CNN international.
"You mean it's the kind of school that expats, diplomats, business types
send their kids to. Probably very posh as Brits would say."
Yes. I even referred to it as "posh" in my first description to you. It is
very posh. It is beautiful. I will describe my classroom once I am secure
that I will get the one they showed me. In other words, the school is
perfect, just like me.
-'I asked if American children attend and he responded, "Of course." I
haven't worked with an American child since I left America. I pray for a
little American girl just like JonBenet. That would be heaven - wouldn't
it?""
"I never thought that i would hear you say that there could be another
girl "just like JonBenet." I had come to understand that while there
had been young girls who were memorable - the 8 and 12 year olds for
example - JonBenet held a unique place in your life."
Michael, you hurt me. Of course, no other child could be the same as
JonBenet. I was speaking of external physical similarities. I once met this
man back in the U.S. who had a daughter who looked so much like JonBenet.
That is the only time I have ever seen any child who reminded me so of her.
But I see JonBenet in bits and pieces in other little girls. Please don't
underestimate my love for JonBenet and my appreciation for her. I deify
that child. Please know that I do not look for a replacement. I only wish I
could meet a little American girl who might remind me, however remote, of
my lost lover, JonBenet. I must be so careful what I say to you. Replace
the word "magic" with "special" ...
"How could you do that without making yourself vulnerable. Anyhow,
after our phone conversation it is clear that you don't need hypnosis. Your
memory now seems excellent. Or are you implying that
despite the detailed account, there are still things you don't
recall?"
Yes, I am saying that. You just missed them. That is why I kept asking
you if you had questions. That is also my style when I am
4
000832
teaching. It's done as a courtesy to the listener. I am paranoid about
talking too much and not allowing others to speak. It is reflective of
my upbringing and teacher training.
"I can understand that, but you seem to be coping remarkably well with
getting it all out."
Aside from breaking down in tears at the start? I guess I did a good job
getting it out. Actually, it was wonderful once I got past the shakey
start. I don't know when I will ever be able to talk like that again. I am
so proud of that time I spent with JonBenet. I love her so much. And now
you know a side of her you could never have known had you not met me. John
said, in his only message to me, that he appreciated my love for his
daughter though it was not his kind of love. I want John to know what
happened between us that night. I want John to know the details of my
romance with his child. I wonder how he will respond?
""At times, I have to stop writing to revise the outline.""
"Why is that happening, do you think, and which things are you
switching."
As the events unfold in writing, they don't fit into the original
categories of that outline that you have. Also, some of the entire sections
outlined require one paragraph or two of writing. And so I have merged some
sections together. The outline is not as important as the overall flow.
Chapters are being removed as I merge. I have added one or two sections.
One section I added is called "Escape". Strangely, I did not add this to
the original outline as important as it was. However, if it is only two
paragraphs long, why section it at all? It is getting complicated but I can
work it out I am highly organized. I am my grandmother's creation - a high
performance perfectionist.
""I offered a live interview - no response.""
"I have no recollection of that, and it would be something that would
leap off the page When did you mention it and what was the context."
This kind of thing really bothers me. It was in one of those many mails
that you did not respond to:
The Writing (July 2 2006)
"Which adults. This doesn't make sense. this is you at your worst, so self
doubting, so self flagellating. THE BOOK WILL HAPPEN DAXIS."
""Daxis at his worst? Do you find what I say detestable? Yes, I am selfdoubting. I wasn't always like that until my life turned around ten years
ago and then took a drastic negative dive not so long after that. But thank
you for your emphatic assurance that this book will happen. The publishers
might change your view of me. I have no idea. What if no one believes me?
Yes, you must write in the book why you are convinced. While we are on the
subject, it is July. Please commence writing what you will contribute to
this book. I have some ideas past a profile and your expression of why you
are convinced that I am the person who took JonBenet's life. For instance,
what about an interview? It could be written in the book. When you see how
I have written of the accounts of that night, you might see that some form
of commentary might be in order. In this case, the commentary can be
replaced with an interview. Would you like a personal interview? Whatever
happens, we must hurry.""
5
000833
And that is where it was located - in one of my very important mails
that you never responded to.
"And what do yoou mean by live interview. Are you referring to the
possibility of meeting, which we have discussed. I had thought of that as
being more of a conversation than an interview. I'd be open
to meeting, but would have to find a way of raising some funds. I do
have a research proposal in at the moment that would allow me to travel.
Don't know if I'll get it of course."
You will never meet me just like John Ramsey will never meet me. At least
you will make an effort. Looks like we've stopped talking about John
Ramsey?
"i notice that you always use the present tense when referring to her,
meaning that she's still very much present for you."
I have not noticed that. I did you the words "she said" and "I said" to
denote it was in the past. But I appreciate what you are saying. I do
tend to say things like, "I love JonBenet very much". I don't speak of
her mother in the present tense and never will anymore. I guess it might
be that I have blocked out JonBenet's death in many ways and want to hold
her forever alive in my heart. Recall a passphrase we used to use years
ago? The passphrase was "She Lives".
"It was fascinating to hear your description of asking her if you could
do things."
Precious, isn't it? That is my style of loving little girls. It is my
expression of ultimate respect. You miss so much by not seeing me interact
with a little girl.
"One question I should have asked you and didn't was whether, when she
woke up in your arms after you had carried her into the basement room,
she immediately recognized you? From what you were saying she seems to
have been very trusting of you."
Yes, very trusting. I shall let you answer your own question of
recognition. I won't share it in the book or with anyone. If you do not
think she recognized me, please refer to a section in my book entitled,
"First Encounters". If you do think she recognized me, you need look no
further.
"The obvious questions about the note are:
when and where was it written;
why did you change your mind and address it "Mr Ramsey," rather than
them both;
why the various movie references;
the amount of money you have already written about, but it still
perplexes, particularly the coincidence of it being almost exactly
John's net bonus;
why the violence of the language..."she dies, she dies," the
beheading idea;
why give a time that you would call;
where did the idea of the "small foreign faction," come from; why
"Victory! S.B.T.C";
why write it at all;
why misspell "possession,"
why go from plural "we," to singular "my,""
6
000834
door - there was i believe a fleck of paint go
over this tomorrow."
I'll get back with you on these questions. I have explained most of these.
I told you I had no idea of John's bonus. I explained the violent nature of
the note. I have explained the foreign faction reference. I explained the
acronym at the end. I explained why I wrote it. That leaves us with some
very trivial questions but I will address them later.
"You've addressed some of these already. Also what question am I
missing, I have this feeling that there is one."
Surely there are more questions about that note but, you have to
understand that I think the note is highly overrated. So far, the chapter
about the note is three A4 pages long.
•
•
I have come to a halt on that
chapter although I have written what we have discussed so far.
The
•
•
strange thing about the note is that it shows up in another place
entitled, "The Parents' Room" and is much more interesting.
You• 'll
•
see why.
"Can you send it."
I will send it as soon as I can perfect it. Notice I use the word
"perfect" and not "edit". I know now that everything I say must be
perfect.
•
•
our
You mentioned once about movie references in the note?
That's strange; as you know I make references to films here in
•
•
letters. You must point out the phrases in particular because I
don't remember them.
"There were references from Dirty Harry, Ramson and Speed"
I asked for the phrases; not the names of the films. I think I have seen
"Dirty Harry". I do not recall seeing and movie called "Ransom". I might
recall the film, "Speed". These movies are not to my liking. As a matter of
fact, I destest the genre of all the films you mentioned. I can already
tell you that I have no idea what you are talking about. I still want the
phrases.
"Not really, though Smit thinks that it happened next tot he cellar
This disappoints me, Michael. Why would you doubt me because of the
almighty theory of Smit? I don't recall seeing him that night. Was he
hiding in the freezer? And so now that I come forward and confess to the
world, Smit's theory will serve to discount me? Ironic, isn't it?
"They will probably not be too happy. I will simply say that they are
on her. Perhaps we can
7
000835
research interviews with broadcasters, relevant to my research project
on the future of broadcasting."
That concerns me. I don't want you to get into trouble over the calls. By
the way, this number will self-destruct in approximately four days.
""You do realize that you work and live in Paradise."" "I do?"
I would give anything to be in Boulder. I will never get to see it again.
Might I ask you if you are in the campus that is in the vicinity of the
interstate highway? I recall driving past your university. I thought about
you when I drove by it, if that is indeed the campus.
"We can talk about the last act tomorrow. It is perplexing."
I'm not ready to release the events of her death to you. It must be done
with perfect precision or else, all is lost. I detected that in our last
conversation. I must not waiver. I must deliver. And I will. I will force
myself to recall events that I have successfully blocked for ten years.
Time has been on my side in all this blocking as it erases and erodes so
much. I am very sorry but we cannot talk about the last act today. I still
welcome your call though I know it will not come now.
Daxis
required
8
000836
I
a5. 1 Va -
Bennett, Tom
Sent:
Friday, July 07, 2006 3:56 PM
To:
B
ennett, Tom
Subject:
Fwd: Hi
Mike!
Tom, this and the next email I'll forward are probably in the "for the files," category but in light of
what you said yesterday, and Daxis' mysterious use of an English phone number I thought I'd share.
Last year and early this year when i was sort of amateur sleuthing the case, with the help of Debbie
Regimenti, the question of Brian Scott the Ramsey gardner came up. She came up with some
interesting information, in this and the next mail i will forward. One immediate point, the 0208 in
the phone # is for London, not Northampton. Could be a real estate agent he was using to rent out a
ski chalet ( see next mail). The thing that struck me was a) the name; b) the ski chalet - Daxis is a
skier and c) the connection of this Brian Scott to a school for young girls ( see next mail.) Probably
nothing, but I thought I'd share it anyhow. m
Begin forwarded message:
From: Michael Tracey <
Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu> Date: July 7,
2006 1:28:19 PM MDT To: Michael Tracey
<Michael.Traceyp_colorado.edu> Subject: Fwd:
Hi Mike!
From: "Holly" <hollvl 561
@comcast.net> Date: January
22, 2006 4:02:47 AM MST To:
<Michael.Tracey_
(a.colorado.edu,> Subject: Re: Hi
Mike!
B Scott
TEL: 020 83869104
163 Merry Hill Rd, Northampton
NN4 9YH Text number Map
My son did a search of phone numbers based on the Brian Scott contact
number on the rental in France - (I think that's what he was telling me at
1:30 AM - I was half-asleep) . He says it is the B. Scott above, living in
England. In addition he says the residence is located near Ellstree Studios
where alot of films, including STAR WARS, were filmed. Just reminded
him of a film connection.
I'll talk to him today and maybe I can get an idea of how he found this.
So far as the Heather passage. That sure as heck explains alot. Makes
me sick. And maybe one of the site owners - the supposed Kirsten
Turner of the
000837
7/10/2006
UK, is near the B Scott, or is the B Scott address. Someone should interview the O'Rourke family,
to see if they have a history of contact involving someone obssessed with Heather.
Also, we did a domain search for the server, which is located in Scranton, PA. No ownership is
listed, so I phoned the contact number - but no answer.
Still working on Jean Pierre...
Someone besides us, in law enforcement, needs to be paying attention. Why on earth can't Keenan
apply for a search warrant or involve Scotland Yard or the FBI?
D
Original Message
From: <Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu> To: "Holly"
<holly1561@,comcast.net> Sent: Sunday, January 22, 2006 1:53 AM Subject: Re: Hi
Mike!
In His Kingdom there are many Princesses both living and dead. Behold, another
little Princess. She and JonBenet were very much the same mostly due the fact
that they were adorned in the same court - now in eternity together in a
similar dimension though passing through dimension after dimension like the
multi-layered mysteries of multiple lives all passing through the same portal.
The little girl in the pictures was Heather - always just Heather.
D
2 behold.jpg image/pjpeg 53.98 KB
Delete I Reply I Reply to All ( Forward I Redirect I Block Sender Message
Source I Save as I Print Back to December 1996 Move I Copy
No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by
AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.14.21/235 - Release Date: 1/19/2006
000838
7/10/2006
r arc
L U1 -T
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu]
Sent:
Friday, July 07, 2006 5:20 PM
To:
Bennett, Tom Subject: Fwd: Hi Mike!
From: "Holly" <hollv1561 a@,comcast.net>
Date: January 27, 2006 2:30:04 PM MST To: <
Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu> Subject: Re:
Hi Mike!
Haven't heard from you for a few days - but a whole lot has happened on my end Since you asked if I have a pic of BS, I am hoping BS is a good path to follow. When we
last talked, I told you we traced Brian Scott of the French ski chalet to B. Scott of 163
Merry Hill Road, Bushey, N'hampton, UK
A better address is
Bushey-Watford in that area.
Below is a satellite map link of the exact address
Location:
United Kingdom Grid ref:
TQ 140942 Postcode district:
WD2 1 xx (map centre) X:
514000m Y:
194300m Lat:
51:38:08N (51.6355) Lon:
0:21:15W (-0.3541) Web Address:
www.multimap.com/map/browse.cgi?lat=51.6355&lon=
0.3541 &scale=5000&icon=x
I tried to figure out what structure could be located in what looked like a farm
field -or something. I also learned that the prominent development on Merry
Hill Rd is called St. Margaret's School - which is a tony boarding school for
000839
7/10/2006
r arv h, vi. -r
girls. I went to their site - littp://www.stmargaretsbushey.go.uk/
Searching that site, I ran BRIAN SCOTT and got a hit! He somehow connects to The
Duke of Edinburgh Award, which involves public service, scholastics and challenging
travel around the world and sports (maybe skiing). He is not mentioned in the article so I don't know how that works. The students just returned form a BIG French ski trip,
BTW.
Still, I did not know what was actually at 163. I called the Hertfordshire
Constabulary and they said it is an occupied property - but didn't know by whom
or what. I thought maybe a real estate office.
I searched all night and found bridle paths all through Merry Hill, and other schools
and even a few pics. It seems like a genteel and countrifed sort of area. No real estate
offices I could find.
This morning I called the specific Bushey police station, and they said it definitely is
occupied but did not know by what. I then called the St Margarets school office and
they basically were uhelpful. I asked, "How could you not know, the address is 1500
yards away?" She then said that the surrounding property is owned by their school.
Then she left to talk to a "colleague", after I mentioned I was looking for Brian Scott
who was offering property on the www. When she came back she said she couldn't
help me further. So maybe I rang a bell - don't know.
Finally I called the Hertfordshire Council number for their library and hit pay dirt at last. When surfing last night, I ran across something called the Merry Hill Farm.
On a hunch, I asked the archivist if 163 Merry Hill Road was the old farm. She went
and got her file and returned saying "Yes!" She then gave me the history and said
things are also called School Road or Lane and that St Margarets School grounds
dominate the vicinity. She said the name of the property there now is - Merry Hill
Primary School - http://www.merryhill.oyg uW It is actually the Merry Hill Infant
and Nursery School.
Now what is Brian Scott the ski chalet guy, doing at that nursery and little kid
school?
I searched around and located the Merry News - newsletter #55. That issue mentions
that a new teacher - MISS LAURA SCOTT is now on staff teaching little girls as of
July 2005.
Brian Scott, the runner I sent you a pic of, was in the US in November 2005 - so I'm
thinking he is a different BS. Or else he is maintaining dual residences. Dunno.
So far we have a runner Brian Scott and a skiier, Brian Scott. Both pursuits could
suggest an interest in noting the calf-development of JonBenet and her coordination
skills - but more so skiing, IMO.
There is no mistake that Brian Scott is listed at that address -in the UK - since the
addess came out of a UK phone directory website.
000840
7/10/2006
r ar,c J UL -r
So what are the possibilities?
*Laura Scott is related to Brian Scott.
*Laura Scott is not the Scott I'm looking for - but just a coincidence.
*Laura Scott is the "female" version of Brian Scott, if the clues at the creepy website where
someone is pretending to be both Aja and Kirstie, lead us to the possibility that the person
communicating is a gender bender or gender confused. That certainly seems possible given the
creepy site. But it is nearly unfathomable to me that a primary school could hire a cross dresser/
gender bender giving a partly false name. But maybe it's possible. I know it would be hard here but maybe little Merry Hill Rd in a sleepy hamlet of the region, is not quite up to speed noticing
predators or weirdos.
I have not, nor will I be calling Merry Hill Primary. There are no pics of kids shown - but the doors
to classroom are shown. We do know the letter writer is obssessed at least with two little girls.
Maybe there are others. You might be able to see if anything resonates with the mails you have. I'll
go back and check the Patricia Letters again.
And don't forget that Michelle Hine, the creepy site web designer, is a teacher at a private school
nearby. I have to dig that out. Maybe St Peter's? Remember she maintains a site dedicated to role
playing and she has as her logo nearly the exact knight on a steed logo that Aja /Pianogrl uses at
her Art site, we can't get to link at Delsea High School in New Jersey - like it should.
So I'm just a tad uncomfortable with the Paris book store (possibly academic) connection, the
"teaching ability" of gardener Brian Scott, the overall educated sound of the Patricia Letters and
what you offered, graduating from UC/Boulder in 1995, Patsy attending UC/Boulder in 1995 and
the connection to a school for little kids in the UK and the Brian Scott hit at St. Margarets relevant
to an award program that includes extensive travel.
There has to be some kind of answer here somewhere. I hope you were able to dig something up on
Brian Scott - if so and I am on the wrong path, please let me know, as I've spent hours following
every lead possible. Where is that damn gardener?
In addition I have more unsettling info on the grave site. Maybe I can get those links - including one
with funky music - and lyrics by U2, thornless roses, poetry, a poster named Greenleaf and more
stuff, to you this weekend.
At this point I would say the solution to who killed JB is going to be at least as confusing and
complex and weird as the crime itself. So maybe law enforcment should be looking at transvestites like the one who performed at Patsy's birthday party. Maybe someone should find out if the person
staying in Paris seemed feminine or weird to whomever noticed.
Maybe gender confusion is possible. Look at this week's PEOPLE magazine, p 89 story on writer
Norah Vincent, who morphed into Ned and wrote a book about it - SELF MADE-MAN. She gives
a tip list of how to accomplish the
7/10/2006
000841
ragV, -t ui -r
transformation.
And back to the ransom letter, here is a Merry Hill, www.fatcat.co.uk/showprod.php-969k film link.
Maybe there is a connection between Brian Scott the gardener/skiier (if it's him) and the Fat Cat
listings - if he lived and worked in the UK before coming to Boulder. Never in my life, did I think
there would be a Fat Cat connect to the UK. If that link isn't working, try a GOOGLE on the terms.
I'm hoping to hear from you today or maybe I'll try to call this weekend. I just don't want to put
more effort into Brian Scott, if he's off the list, somehow.
Debby
000842
7/10/2006
Bennett, Tom
Sent: Saturday, July 08, 2006 11:43 AM
To:
Michael,
Any reason why you have stopped responding to mails I send here? There are
many you have not responded to but at least the last one might merit some
response. It was entitled, "Sweet Descriptions" on 6 July. Then there's the
following mail...
"Daxis, I was wondering when the right time would be to call you
again."
Thank you for asking. You know your calls are very important to me. I
believe another few days will be a good time for a call. I'm not sure. I
spent hours yesterday working out my account with perfect precision and
will do so again today. I can't leave my apartment because of the time I am
spending with this. Every time I think it is all covered, I reread my
account and think of something that is not covered. I feel compelled that
there should not be a stone unturned. I am a perfectionist which can lead
to a tedious complicated matter of recalling every step. This process can
get bigger and bigger until it takes me over. I will finally have to just
leave those things out that I cannot recall. I will finally have to settle
for not anwering every minute question. Just know that I am trying to make
everything perfect.
"I've been mentally processing everything you've been saying in our phone
conversations. While i am waiting with eager anticipation the next sections
of your book, I also want to complete our verbal conversation."
Thank you for your interest in receiving more of my book. I promise you
that certain sections and even completed chapters will be available very
soon. After sharing my verbal account with you, I will soon after release
chapters with those verbal accounts in writing. I work on this for hours
each day. I will add that the chapters are now as full as the last I sent
with the exception of a few. "Not a King's Ransom" is terribly interrupted
the flow. I must either incorporate it into "The Parents' Room" or hand it
over to you for your section of the book.
I might be misunderstnding your term "complete". Do you mean you wish to
talk to me one last time and then no more? That is odd. Or do you mean you
wish to complete the conversation that is now incomplete? I would think you
meant the latter. I am glad you have been reflecting on what I have told
you already. Those moments were tender and sensitive - so much so that I am
not sure they should ever be released to anyone past you and John Ramsey.
Please answer my mails
My last mentioned John Ramsey....
"Listening is something I do well, and naturally. I understand that you
want to be sure that you have it exact in your mind before you complete
your account of what happened that night."
I have never felt like this before while dealing with you. I am not sure
what has come over me but something clicked at the end of our first
conversation. Can I confess what one of those clicks was? At the end of our
first conversation, I reverted back to a time when I
1
000843
was brought in for questioning by law enforcement. I remember how certain
things I said were taken apart by the interrogator. I would repeat things
to clarify but he kept twisting them to serve what he wanted to hear. (I am
not saying you are doing that. Just hear me out.) It went on for hours and
was horrific. My attorney scolded me for weeks for talking to law
enforcement. I remember she said, after viewing the videotape, "You just
went on and on. I thought you would never stop talking." Then it has
occurred to me that by telling you of the final account, I will be
confessing verbally to murder. I have no attorneys present now but I know
what they would say if they had any idea that I was doing something like
this with you. They would go out of their minds. My last attorney, the
lovely young lady I was quite fond of, said at the end that she was most
concerned about my mouth than anything else. She was concerned that I would
talk. Talking to you for over an hour and a half reminded me how lethal my
mouth is. It reminded me of my fluent ability to share. Yes, I am concerned
that I must have my account perfected prior to its presentation. I know
that if one word is somehow misconstrued, all is lost. However, my trauma
from the past, at the hands of law enforcement, causes me to pause. And
that interrogation was not focused on JonBenet. It was focused on virtually
everything but JonBenet. By the way, I did pretty good in that
interrogation. The interrogator, a detective, actually took my part toward
the end. Amazing, isn't it?
"I was by the way fascinated and convinced by your account of why she was
in that cellar. It made perfect sense, since as you know I was perplexed
as to why, given your feelings, she was left in such a dreary place."
I need to hear when you're fascinated by something I say. Your letter
writing has all but dwindled so I have no barometer of how you are reacting
to anything I have said. It is like when I sent you several chapters of my
book and I never heard anything from you about it with the exception of a
comment on the phone that "the opening scene of your life's movie, if there
ever is one, should be of you standing in front of your grandmother's
home." Of course that one little sentence meant the world to me. Your
response is my inspiration. Sorry to tell you but I need something to
convince me that what I am doing is worth something to at least one person.
Looks like John Ramsey is out my picture. But I did like that one little
message he sent. Imagine that - after all that I have said, I have received
one small note from her father. It all amazes me in a most negative way.
You know I would never leave my little girl in a dishonored state unless
something happened beyond my control. The little room was merely a
temporary hiding place. It was secure and would have served its purpose had
all gone right. Not that I could consider that anything could ever be right
again in light of the circumstances. I regret that I used the term
"stashed" in reference to JonBenet. After our conversation, I ached over
that. I was trying to find another word for "hide". Maybe I should have
used the term "preserved" though hide is the best word. I hid her. It was
inappropriate to leave her exposed on the ground in our little hideaway the room with the windows. In trying to do something appropriate, the whole
matter backfired on me. In leaving as I did, without removing her from that
little room, it made it all appear very different and I am sorry for that.
I don't know why I cut to that part of the night with you on the phone
conversation. It was one of those things I was self-conscious about sharing
because I did not think you would understand me; I didn't think you would
believe me. I used it as an example. I suppose it should convince me that I
have nothing to worry about. But still, I worry. I worry not just about you
but about all the skeptics who will do everything in their power to
discredit me and
2
000844
have the blame remain on JonBenet's mother.
"It is interesting to me how my whole thinking about the case has shifted
in recent months. As you know i was writing a book, but haven't rally
touched it in a long time."
I am pleased that I have so drastically changed the way you think about
this case. That would make perfect sense. I do think about the fact that
you were writing a book. I respect that you have stopped writing that
original book, in my name and on my behalf. Moreover, on behalf of the
fact that you now know the real story and realize that it would be
impossible to write a book as you had planned.
Any reason why you will not answer my questions on whether you have started
writing about me? Why can't you commence your writing of the DAXIS book? It
is July, Michael. Or are you counting on my writing as being all? That's
fine with me. My current projection is 150 A4 pages which might be equal to
about 200 pages in a 7.5 by 5.25 inch book. If you wish to contribute, you
know there is much you can write about me in the meantime while you wait on
the verbal accounts and while you wait on the completion of my book. While
you are looking at old transcripts and reading trash like Steve Thomas,
maybe you could write just a bit about Daxis. Time is running out. I have
said this before. Remember? Well Patricia is dead now. I lost her and all
chances to make peace. I will never get the chance to tell that mommy I am
sorry. Michael, she was affected by the death of her daughter; by this
case, more than John, more than anyone. She was the person I needed to talk
to. And I begged and pleaded for that chance. Just wait until the time is
right, you told me. Is the time right now? I will never be forgiven. I'll
never get the chance to tell her how much I loved her child. I'm not
blaming you. But I am reminding you because I was the one doing all the
begging and pleading and waiting. So we still have this book. If it's worth
anything to anybody, contribute what you wish. Otherwise, I have no problem
writing it alone.
"Today I decided to have a look at some of the things i had been writing
about. At the very least the case came to be surrounded by a curious cast
of characters. While it is true that the overwhelming focus was on Patsy
there were a number of other figures who were looked at, one's you've
probably never heard of since you don't - wisely - follow the case in the
media."
Michael, I don't wisely or unwisely follow the case. I haven't a clue
about the case. I am sure if I could see information about this case, it
would jog my memory. As important as that is to me now, I still refuse
to look at any information about the case.
"There was "bootman," Michael Helgoth, the intinerant Gary Oliva, Bill
McReynolds, a former colleague of mine who played Santa at Ramsey Christmas
parties, even the gardner was considered. All very strange and confused."
I have never heard of any of them. You did mention the Santa character in a
mail while we talked in Europe because of the Christmas picture I sent to
you of Heather O'Rourke. In the other cases, I would hate the title
"bootman". So the gardner did it; the bootman did it; Santa did it; and
even mom did it. So much for a brilliant plan to divert law enoforcement's
attention to a "foreign faction". But look how confusing it all became.
Running in all different directions but never in the direction of Daxis. I
do not boast. For in boasting, I would hail myself a mastermind criminal a title I detest. And so, I do not boast - I merely observe from a safe and
great distance.
"Anyhow, enough of all that old stuff, when do you think you would 3
000845
like me to call?"
I believe I will be prepared in a few days. I am sorry. It is just that I
seem to be recalling more as the days pass though this is getting less and
less. Michael, I am also concerned that I cannot get through a verbal
account of this due its horrible nature. We are talking about my little
girl here. I have to be in a very unique state of mind to deliver this
without breaking down or without reentering a state that once caused me to
have a nervous breakdown.
Daxis
4
000846
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Sunday, July 09, 2006 10:59 AM
Here's today's missive from my buddy. Couple of things that stood out for
me is that he seems to be saying that the note was not written with the
Sharpie the Ramseys had, but with his own. The other is his answer to my
question about the "knickers." He obviously still wants to talk to John,
and didn't balk at the idea of my meting with him. m
Michael,
-'Any reason why you have stopped responding to mails I send
here?""
"No obvious reason, and I obviously haven't stopped anyhow since here
I am writing"
wow Michael, that was a trite answer. You have not responded to at least
five of my past mails. If you don't like hearing me say this, imagine
what it is like for me to experience it.
"Shall we say next Tuesday or Wednesday."
I commence work on Wednesday and must rise early. This means I cannot
accept the after midnight calls on those nights. Also, the number you
call is supposed to self-destruct on Monday. I must then arrange for a
new number. This might mean that we will have to talk on the weekend. I'm
sorry but it is for the best that I do not make myself available to
discuss this matter expeditiously.
However, in many ways, I would like to get this over with as soon as
possible. Saying that, why don't you just call me today
"That would be excellent. Detail is a very important part of this
process."
Yeah....
""Not a King's Ransom" HAS terribly interrupted the flow. I must either
incorporate it into "The Parents' Room" or hand it over to you for your
section of the book.""
"What was it about this particular chapter that caused the flow of your
writing to be disrupted."
It didn't cause me to stop writing, if that is what you think. Part Two:
"Daxis Loves JonBenet" has been written with the exception of certain
details and one chapter at the end about my grieving. One or two small
sections are incomplete. The events are chronological. They flow
together. I write vividly in first person present tense. Suddenly, in the
middle of that flow, I stop and explain that note. One minute, I am
waiting in the basement for the Ramseys to return. After a vivid telling
of events, I cut to the chapter about the note. Then, I return to the
story with the same vivid descriptions. It is like a commercial
interruption. It cannot stay as a separate chapter. If I cannot
incorporate it in "The Parents' Room", I do not know what to do with it.
I only know it cannot remain as it is.
"Why did you choose to write the note in the parent's room,
particularly given the fact that being in the were would not have
1
000847
allowed you to know if the Ramseys came back. Was their some
symbolic
significance?"
Why would I spend any amount of time in JonBenet's room prior to their
arrival? I don't know, Michael. Just because I chose to do so, it shouldn't
discredit me in any way. It is just the way I did things. Please try to
keep in mind that I am not a mastermind criminal, Michael. I am a
passionate lover of little girls. I would not ordinarily do this but I am
including an excerpt from my book to better explain; however, I somehow get
the feeling that I've said something wrong in the following:
The Parents' Room
In this room, do I feel their disapproval or their open-minded acceptance?
It'all makes me wonder what my plans this night should be. If I intend to
take their daughter, a note of some sort should be left. I am certain they
would read it. I always have a pen with me. It is an old rule of teachers
to have a pen with them at all times. Stationery, I have not. Ah, but her
parents have it. I might spend a bit of time in this very intimidating
room.
END
"Also in our conversation you suggested that you would
like to tell me the real note you would like to have written. Can you
tell me now. It sounded interesting and full of meaning."
I touch on this in that chapter. A small paragraph is in the chapter of
what I wanted to write - probably not what you think. It was a whimsical
almost silly mention basically filled with those things I would not have
wanted to say. It is not what I would have written literally. Thank you for
your interest in a note I would have written. I can at least tell you what
it would have been like. It would have been thoughtful. It would have been
assuring in that I would have made them feel their child was in good hands.
I would have told them how much I loved their daughter. I would have
expressed that she would be returned unharmed. And of course, there would
have been no talk of a ransom - such is ridiculous. I am almost tempted to
actually write it now but what would be the use?
""Please answer my mails
My last mentioned John Ramsey.... I'll
"I will get round to that tomorrow. I'm still having serious
problems
with headaches, and spending too much time in front of a computer screen
seems to exacerbate the problem"
I am sorry you are still not feeling well. I've given up on you
"getting round" to responding to my past mails. It is too bad as they
included some deep matters.
""I have never felt like this before while dealing with you."" "I
don't quite understand this."
You took my opening sentence out of context. The explanation is in the
context that follows.
""I am not sure what has come over me but something clicked at the end of
our first conversation. Can I confess what one of those clicks was? At the
end of our first conversation, I reverted back to a time when I was brought
in for questioning by law enforcement. I remember how certain things I said
were taken apart by the interrogator. I would repeat things to clarify but
he kept twisting
2
000848
them to serve what he wanted to hear. (I am not saying you are doing that.
Just hear me out.) It went on for hours and was horrific. My attorney
scolded me for weeks for talking to law enforcement. I remember she said,
after viewing the videotape, "You just went on and on. I thought you would
never stop talking." Then it has occurred to me that by telling you of the
final account, I will be confessing verbally to murder.""
"You will be telling me that you were instrumental in JonBenet's
unintended death. Murder implies intentionality."
I thought I would just leave my long paragraph in for effect. No Michael,
first degree murder implies intentionality. I would be doing as I
described above - verbally confessing to murder. What if someone hears
me....?
"Attorneys are like that. Defense law 101 is, your clients don't talk.
When we made the first documentary the Ramsey attorneys were going
nuts over the idea that they would be interviewed on camera, and that
we had insisted, and they had agreed, that we could ask any question
we wished, even ones the answers to which might be incriminating. It
was actually the fact that they agreed that was the beginning of my
growing conviction that they were innocent."
And what do you think of me? The Ramseys had lawyers to protect them.
I have no one to protect me.
"I'm not law enforcement, I'm your collaborator in writing the
account, I'm your biographer, your Boswell."
You're my biographer? With all dues respect, I have written the book so
far, alone. Wouldn't it be an autobiography? You are my collaborator? What
have we collaborated on? But then how could you collaborate as you were
not there on that night of December 25th, 1996? I should hope that
collaboration will commence soon regarding writing together. You have
definitely been my wonderful friend. You are a Boswell as in the good
companion who is willing to listen. A good companion always believes in
what a friend tells him. So far, you are the only person who believes me.
I have no proof that anyone, past you, believes me. You've definitely been
a liaison. A liaison to convey to Patricia Ramsey how deeply I needed to
talk to her.
It doesn't matter if you tell me you are not law enforcement. I have
poured out to you about part of the apprehension I have. The last person
who said that to me happened to be recording our phone conversations and
turning them over to someone who WAS law enforcement. I remember and I am
scarred from it.
"You can be a very convincing guy."
I can? Am I very convincing or just a person expressing events? Wouldn't
there be a difference? Or is it how I convey events well that makes me
convincing? You once said you would write in the book why you are
convinced that I took my little girl's life.
""I need to hear when you're fascinated by something I Bay. Your letter
writing has all but dwindled so I have no barometer of how you are
reacting to anything I have said.""
"I remain fascinated and totally full of credulity. Sometimes i 3
000849
like to think about what you have written, absorb it."
I appreciate that you wish to absorb what I have written or said but I
would like to know what you think of it all. Credulity - You are saying
you are gullible, innocent and naive?
""It is like when I sent you several chapters of my book and I never heard
anything from you about it with the exception of a comment on the phone
that "the opening scene of your life's movie, if there ever is one, should
be of you standing in front of your grandmother's home." Of course that one
little sentence meant the world to me. Your response is my inspiration.
Sorry to tell you but I need something to convince me that what I am doing
is worth something to at least one person.""
No comment from you on this.
""Looks like John Ramsey is out my picture.""
"I don't think so necessarily though right now he is clearly
grieving."
You don't think so necessarily? Necessarily?? You told me how very much he
wanted to talk to me just hours prior to Patricia's death. You then
mentioned that he conveyed his desire to talk to me when you spoke to him
at her funeral. But now he is not "necessarily" out of the picture? Here's
how I feel. I begged and pleaded to talk to his wife. It didn't happen. I
won't beg and plead to talk to him. I respect that he is still grieving. I
am still grieving too. I cried and cried when JonBenet's mother died. I
cried so much while her funeral was taking place. I suppose it is not an
appropriate time for John to contact me for many reasons. I will say this:
if he believes that I took his daughter's life, nothing would hold him back
from talking to me. But yet, he has not even conveyed a message to me since
his last - his only message to me during this whole matter. No, he should
not contact me until he believes in me. I believe this might occur after he
reads my chapters in which I deliver a vivid account of his daughter's last
hours and of her death.
""I regret that I used the term "stashed" in reference to
JonBenet.""
"Yes, I was a bit surprised that you used that term. It's the kind of
term that could be applied to an object and she obviously wasn't that
to you. Sometimes, the appropriate word can be illusive. "Hide," is
better."
I shall place the appropriate rest of the comment above which is so
important: ""After our conversation, I ached over that. I was trying to
find another word for "hide". Maybe I should have used the term
"preserved" though hide is the best word. I hid her.""
I said I regretted it. I told you I ached over it. I am sorry for using the
term, ok? It was 2 AM. It is difficult to share, period. I'm sorry I used
the term. What if I use one wrong term with you when I tell you the rest of
the story? Can I bear the guilt that I feel now over the term "stash"?
"Stash" is also used in reference to an act done with something that is
valuable but then we go back to your comment that you think I thought of
her as an object. I'm sorry for using the term and expressed my deepest
regret on my own. I'm not perfect, Michael. I am not at my best at any time
that I describe events surrounding her death.
4
000850
• After our conversation, I ached over that. I was
• trying to find another word for "hide". Maybe I should have used
• the term "preserved" though hide is the best word. I hid her. It
• was inappropriate to leave her exposed on the ground in our
little
•
•
hideaway - the room with the windows. In trying to do something
appropriate, the whole matter backfired on me. In leaving as I
did,
•
•
without removing her from that little room, it made it all appear
very different and I am sorry for that.
"I know, and as i have already indicated I understand completely your
reasoning. You were terrified of being caught. I wonder who it was
that you heard. Let me ask you this: had you been able to get back to
her how would you have left her? You began to touch on this in a
previous email."
I cover, in the book, how I wanted to take her with me. I am still not
sure how I would have done that. If I had not taken her, I had thoughts of
leaving her in a more dignified state. But even that seems illogical in
respect to where we were - the basement. Though I held the window room
sacred, others would see it as a dark, indignant place to leave her.
As I have said, and have included in my book, it would have been best if I
had taken her up to her bed where I would kill myself and fall by her side.
I would have been where I belonged - with JonBenet. It would have saved her
mother from a lot of pain over being accused though I still contend that
there were more intense matters at hand.
""I don't know why I cut to that part of the night with you on the phone
conversation. It was one of those things I was self-conscious about sharing
because I did not think you would understand me; I didn't think you would
believe me.""
"I did believe you. It made sense." Thank
you.
"Indeed, I was very much going down the Smit path. i did however have
for a long time an intuitive sense that there was something about the
case that no one had fathomed, some explanation that was much more
existential, that all was not as it seemed. i am not saying that just
because of what I know now, I've felt it for quite some time."
I once told you that you might not feel JonBenet's presence at 755 but I
never said you might not feel my presence. It is thought that when a person
experiences a terrible trauma, part of their spirit is left behind. Some
think partial spirits can be left even by those who are still living. My
spirit is at 755 as well as at JonBenet's grave. Maybe you felt my spirit
when you were in that basement. Maybe that was what gave you that feeling
that you describe of knowing that there was something much more complicated
5
000851
than met the eye. At understand. But then speaks....
""Any reason why you have started writing of the DAXIS book?""
"I've started making notes, preliminary sketches, drawing clues from what
you are writing without being repetitious. An "interview/conversation,"
would I think be very useful. Just need to see how we can make that
happen."
least now, having spoken to me, you
there is also the fact that, my little girl
will not answer my questions on whether you about me? Why can't you
commence your writing
Ok. I'm glad you are working on it ... Maybe it doesn't matter as either
I will write the entire book or it will never be published anyhow.
""Well Patricia is dead now. I lost her and all chances to make peace. I
will never get the chance to tell that mommy I am sorry.""
"She knows you are sorry."
She does? How do you know? I would not believe that from anyone but her and
now I shall never know.
"BTW, do you know that there is i believe a rumour on the internet that
she isn't dead, that it was all a ruse. she looked very dead to me though
somehow unreal, an example of the morticians art."
If she is still alive, let me know. We have unfinished business. You see
how sick the public is? They don't deserve my confession. They don't
deserve to read of the intimate moments I shared with JonBenet.
Most people who have been suffering as long as she did, who have undergone
such a dose of radiation as she did, will look unreal as it is difficult
to get the correct effect as a mortician. Dehydration can cause an unreal
look in the casket.
"It's mainly your book, with a biographical intro by me." Ok. To
be honest, I don't know what is going on.
""I have to be in a very unique state of mind to deliver this without
breaking down or without reentering a state that once caused me to
have a nervous breakdown.""
"You can do it Daxis. You already did in the mails, now you just have to
speak it, though I know that will be emotionally harder. Just tell me
what happened and I will listen carefully."
Thank you for listening carefully. At least one very important person is
listening and believes me. No Michael, it will not just be a matter of
speaking what was written in the e-mails. The emails only hit the
highlights. The e-mails were vague. What I have to say to you is graphic,
detailed and disturbing. I am so sorry that her mother did not see this,
moreover, hear it from my own mouth. Instead, she read the e-mails where I
just hit on the highlights and many times, referred to myself in the third
person as "the killer". She never got to read and receive the impact that
my present writings in the book would have evoked. All of my horrific
accounts are now written.
"And while we are on this, there is one question I have to ask, and started
to do so in our last conversation. After you had taken her panties which
were I believe size 6, why did you put a pair of panties that were size 12.
Much was made by the cops that she was
6
000852
wearing "oversized," panties.
There were larger size panties in her drawer that had originally been
intended for an older cousin. Can you clarify. It's one of those little
details that's a real stone in the shoe."
Another of my foolish mistakes... You see, Michael, little things out of
order, throw me completely off. I am an organization "person". Everything
is always in its place. And if something is out of its place, I still trust
that it is the same item that is in its perfect place. It has been my past
experience that a little girl's room includes only HER things - especially
something as intimate as a knicker drawer. When knickers are folded, it is
hard to tell the difference between a size six and a size twelve. Even if
they were not folded at all, that knicker drawer was in JonBenet's bedroom
and should have only included JonBenet's knickers. It's almost like a
breech of trust that another girl's knickers would be in JonBenet's drawer
- and I chose to trust. Who else in the world would store their daughter's
cousin's knickers in their own daughter's knicker drawer? Can you imagine
her mother saying, "JonBenet, your 12 year old cousin is visiting this
weekend. We must store knickers in your drawer for her visit." I wish so
that JonBenet's drawer had included only her very own knickers for I would
have wanted her to be dressed in her own knickers of perfect dimension.
Does that answer your question? If not, I shall answer the question for
you. JonBenet was wearing her cousin's knickers when she was found. I
should know....
And more: You once asked if I took a pair of JonBenet's knickers from her
bedroom. I responded with two points. First, I said I would not steal
anything from a little girl's room. However, I pointed out that I have
borrowed the knickers of certain little girls and have returned them.
Secondly, I pointed out that there would be no sentimental value in a pair
of knickers that were not freshly worn. But I never said that I would not
borrow a pair of knickers from her drawer and exchange them for a freshly
worn pair. And after all, I did not take JonBenet's knickers as you asked.
Due to all these explanations, that is why you have to read so deep, the
words that I write. Yes?
"More tomorrow."
With all due respect, I've heard this before. Thanks for what you do
give.
In the middle of last night, what was left of it, I awoke with severe
stomach pains. JonBenet was in the very front of my mind. I was thinking of
the events of her death. I was thinking of how I must tell you of those
events. The whole matter scares the hell out of me. All the running I have
done to stay invisible are now being placed on the line. The paranoia is
getting more intense as the inevitable looms - a complete account of the
events of her death shared with you with my own voice. I use the term
inevitable because, to me, this book must be written. The account you will
hear will be so much more than you have heard in the past. It surpasses
those mails that her mother read which is terribly unfortunate. Her father
remains but will his interest remain? I believe this will have a tremendous
impact on you and anyone who experiences my account. But still, there are
unanswered questions. I've counted at least six. It might come to a point
where I must just release it with all its imperfections. At this point, it
is not a brief account. But there are things I either cannot recall or
choose not to share. Maybe the world will have to settle for what I am
willing to share. I have never allowed these thoughts to freely roam in my
mind for ten years for fear it will drive me mad. If I have a nervous
breakdown in my solitary state, who will take care of me? But, as you say,
I can do it. Wow. Maybe you were instead saying, I MUST do it. And even
Jesus Christ requested to His Holy
7
000853
Father that he might be delivered from the awful fate of crucifixion though
he knew he would die for the sins of the world.
Daxis
8
000854
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Monday, July 10, 2006 11:25 AM
Todays episode. He's in his bitchy, " why don't care for me Michael, why oh
why," mode. I'll be nice in the reply. m
Michael,
"i thought your job started in August. I understand the need for
preparation but this kind o seems extreme, but then I've never been a
teacher of high end wealthy really young munchkins, only high end
slightly older munchkins."
I am only doing what I am told.
"Is it supposed to self destruct or it will."
I supposed to stop working in three hours. It is now 8.25 AM your time
Monday. It supposed to stop working at noon your time Monday.
"Whenever works is fine with me."
Since I told you to call me yesterday, assume I would be willing to talk
today although I am a little upset.
""I'm sorry but it is for the best that I do not make myself
available to discuss this matter expeditiously.""
"What does tis mean?"
I meant that I wanted the time to be right.
""However, in many ways, I would like to get this over with as soon as
possible. Saying that, why don't you just call me today
""
"By the time I got this, my today was your tomorrow, and my today
included some exquisite G&T's with friends so a drive down to Boulder
down the twisting mountain roads would probably not have been the wisest
choice."
And now?
"That would be excellent. Detail is a very important part of this
process."
""Yeah....""
"That's a tad flip. I have bee serious in advising you on what will
make this book happen. There are some things in life about which I am
flip, "DAXIS," is not one of them."
That was a response in exasperation to your one sentence response to my
half page pouring out. It was not flip. It wasn't even how I felt.
1
000855
• It didn't cause me to stop writing, if that is what you think. Part
•
Two: "Daxis Loves JonBenet" has been written with the exception of
•
•
certain details and one chapter at the end about my grieving. One
or two small sections are incomplete. The events are
chronological.
•
They flow together. I write vividly in first person present tense.
•
Suddenly, in the middle of that flow, I stop and explain that no• te.
•
One minute, I am waiting in the basement for the Ramseys to return.
•
•
After a vivid telling of events, I cut to the chapter about the
note. Then, I return to the story with the same vivid
descriptions.
•
it is like a commercial interruption. It cannot stay as a
separate
• chapter. If I cannot incorporate it in "The Parents' Room", I do
• not know what to do with it. I only know it cannot remain as it
is.
"I can't make sense of this until I read it. When can you send me
something."
Then read it again. It makes perfect sense.
• Why would I spend any amount of time in JonBenet's room prior to
• their arrival? I don't know, Michael. Just because I chose to do
• so, it shouldn't discredit me in any way.
"I'm not saying it does discredit you, I was merely asking the
question."
I merely answered the question.
"So: you wrote the note with your
own pen, but on their stationery?
But why was the room intimidating. And I still don't see why it it had to
be that room. There were many others to choose from."
That statement said enough to help you understand. Read it again please.
2
000856
> I touch on this in that chapter. A small paragraph is in the
•
chapter of what I wanted to write - probably not what you think.
It
•
•
was a whimsical almost silly mention basically filled with those
things I would not have wanted to say. It is not what I would
have
•
•
written literally. Thank you for your interest in a note I would
have written. I can at least tell you what it would have been
like.
• It would have been thoughtful. It would have been assuring in >
that
•
•
I would have made them feel their child was in good hands. I would
have told them how much I loved their daughter. I would have
• expressed that she would be returned unharmed. And of course, >
there
•
•
would have been no talk of a ransom - such is ridiculous. I am
almost tempted to actually write it now but what would be the
use?
"The use would be that it would help me understand, possibly,
probably."
Again, I include a small paragraph in the book that will touch on what I
would have said. In this mail to you, I described step by step what I
would said.
•
•
•
I am sorry you are still not feeling well. I've given up on you
"getting round" to responding to my past mails. It is too bad as
they included some deep matters.
"Everything you write involves deep matters, it's just that
sometimes
I don't see it."
You certainly didn't see the depth of this mail.
•
•
•
I thought I would just leave my long paragraph in for effect. No
Michael, first degree murder implies intentionality. I would be
doing as I described above - verbally confessing to murder. What
if
•
someone hears me....?
"Who hears you? Your neighbours. You referred to "murder," not "first
degree murder." I understand the difference."
I didn't say anyone heard me. I asked what if someone does hear me. 3
000857
• And what do you think of me? The Ramseys had lawyers to protect
• them. I have no one to protect me.
"You have your anonymity, a powerful protector."
Some powerful protector. I will be laid open wide. I am willing to do that
for JonBenet's mother and for the book and mostly, for JonBenet.
• I can? Am I very convincing or just a person expressing events?
• Wouldn't there be a difference?
"Not in this instance, your are convincing and I believe you. I'm not
an eskimo being sold a freezer..."
You misunderstood that completely. I was saying, am I merely convincing or
am I merely expressing events that actually happened. There is a
difference.
""You once said you would write in the book why you are convinced that I
took my little girl's life.""
"I will"
And is this not flip? You give one word responses all the time. You could
have elaborated a bit on this.
• ""it is like when I sent you several chapters of my book and I
• never heard anything from you about it with the exception of a
• comment on the phone that "the opening scene of your life's
mov• ie,
• if there ever is one, should be of you standing in front of your
• grandmother's home." Of course that one little sentence meant the
• world to me. Your response is my inspiration. Sorry to tell you
bu• t
• I need something to convince me that what I am doing is worth
• something to at least one person.""
"It's important to me, and will be important to many more people. trust
me."
But you still never responded to the chapters.
""You don't think so necessarily? Necessarily??""
"Sometimes Daxis you are overly literal, overly interpretive."
Not about something as important as that. So you are just going to leave
it at that.
• You told me how very
• much he wanted to talk to me just hours prior to Patricia's
4
000858
death.
You then mentioned that he conveyed his desire to talk to me when
you spoke to him at her funeral. But now he is not "necessarily"
• out of the picture? Here's how I feel. I begged and pleaded to >
talk
•
•
•
•
to his wife. It didn't happen. I won't beg and plead to talk to
him. I respect that he is still grieving. I am still grieving
too.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
I cried and cried when JonBenet's mother died. I cried so much
while her funeral was taking place. I suppose it is not an
appropriate time for John to contact me for many reasons. I will
say this: if he believes that I took his daughter's life, nothing
would hold him back from talking to me. But yet, he has not even
conveyed a message to me since his last - his only message to me
during this whole matter. No, he should not contact me until he
believes in me. I believe this might occur after he reads my
chapters in which I deliver a vivid account of his daughter's
last
• hours and of her death.
"Indeed"
One word to respond to all that depth and sensitivity. I did it only
once with my "Yeah..." and that was to prove a point.
• ""I regret that I used the term "stashed" in reference to
• JonBenet.""
• • "Yes, I was a bit surprised that you used that term. It's the kind
•
•
•
•
of
term that could be applied to an object and she obviously wasn't
that
to you. Sometimes, the appropriate word can be illusive. "Hide,"
is
• • better."
• • I shall place the appropriate rest of the comment above which is so
• important: ""After our conversation, I ached over that. I was
• trying to find another word for "hide". Maybe I should have used
• the term "preserved" though hide is the best word. I hid her.,
• • I said I regretted it. I told you I ached over it. I am sorry for
• using the term, ok? It was 2 AM. It is difficult to share,
period.
• I'm sorry I used the term. What if I use one wrong term with you
• when I tell you the rest of the story? Can I bear the guilt that
5
000859
•
•
I
feel now over the term "stash"? "Stash" is also used in reference
to an act done with something that is valuable but then we go
back
•
to your comment that you think I thought of her as an object. "Stash is
used in relation to an object, which is why you felt bad about using the
term "stashed.""
This is your worst response of all. I poured out to you. You have no right
to punish me over and over for that term. I said over and over that I was
so sorry for using one word out of line in reference to my little girl. And
you respond coldly. You could have said, "I know you loved that little girl
and meant nothing at all by using any such term." Because you know that I
did love her and still do. This is very similar to how her parents have
been treated. That every word is used against them.
•
•
I'm
sorry for using the term and expressed my deepest regret on my
own.
•
•
I'm not perfect, Michael. I am not at my best at any time that I
describe events surrounding her death.
You kind of tossed the above after your response.
•
•
As I have said, and have included in my book, it would have been
best if I had taken her up to her bed where I would kill myself
an• d
•
•
•
•
fall by her side. I would have been where I belonged - with
JonBenet. It would have saved her mother from a lot of pain over
being accused though I still contend that there were more intense
matters at hand.
"What does this mean. This is a deep comment that i haven't missed. can
you explain "more intense matters at hand."
The matter that a wonderful child is dead? The matter that her lover
is lying in a pool of blood in her bed beside her?
•
I once told you that you might not feel JonBenet's presence at 755
•
but I never said you might not feel my presence.
"Interesting, but ultimately no way of knowing" In other
words, you are discounting my statement.
6
000860
• It is thought that
• when a person experiences a terrible trauma, part of their spirit
• is left behind. Some think partial spirits can be left even by
• those who are still living. My spirit is at 755 as well as at
• JonBenet's grave. Maybe you felt my spirit when you were in that
• basement. Maybe that was what gave you that feeling that you
• describe of knowing that there was something much more
complicated
•
•
•
than met the eye. At least now, having spoken to me, you
understand. But then there is also the fact that, my little girl
speaks....
Again, the above is tossed in and ignored.
•
•
•
"I've started making notes, preliminary sketches, drawing clues
from what you are writing without being repetitious. An
"interview/conversation," would I think be very useful. Just
nee• d
• to see how we can make that happen."
• • Ok. I'm glad you are working on it ... „I have a couple of ideas" Want
to let me hear them?
•
•
•
Maybe it doesn't matter as
either I will write the entire book or it will never be published
anyhow.
•
•
""Well Patricia is dead now. I lost her and all chances to make
peace. I will never get the chance to tell that mommy I am
sorry.""
• • "She knows you are sorry."
• • She does? How do you know? bu• t
•
her and now I shall never know. >
No comment.
•
•
"It's mainly your book, with a biographical intro by me." >
Ok. To be honest, I don't know what is going on.
"What does that mean. Since when did daxis not know what is going on?"
It means I do not know what is going on with your side of the book. 7
I would not believe that from anyone
000861
• Thank you for listening carefully. At least one
• person is listening and believes me. No Michael
• be a matter of speaking what was written in the
• mails only hit the highlights. The e-mails were
have
very important
it will not just e-mails. The evague. What I
•
•
•
•
•
to say to you is graphic, detailed and disturbing. I am so sorry
that her mother did not see this, moreover, hear it from my own
mouth. Instead, she read the e-mails where I just hit on the
highlights and many times, referred to myself in the third person
as "the killer". She never got to read and receive the impact
that
•
•
my present writings in the book would have evoked. All of my
horrific accounts are now written.
"Then send them to me."
Oh wow. So now, you don't want a verbal account. You just want me to send
the written account. I was trying to do the right thing and tell this to
you with my own voice. I thought that was so important. I thought that was
what you wanted. It was something I was willing to do. But now, you say
just send the words.... Ok. That would be so much easier.
•
•
•
•
Another of my foolish mistakes... You see, Michael, little things
out of order, throw me completely off. I am an organization
"person". Everything is always in its place. And if something is
out of its place, I still trust that it is the same item that is
in
•
•
•
its perfect place. It has been my past experience that a little
girl's room includes only HER things - especially something as
intimate as a knicker drawer. When knickers are folded, it is
hard
•
•
•
•
•
Who
to tell the difference between a size six and a size twelve. Even
if they were not folded at all, that knicker drawer was in
JonBenet's bedroom and should have only included JonBenet's
knickers. It's almost like a breech of trust that another girl's
knickers would be in JonBenet's drawer - and I chose to trust.
• else in the world would store their daughter's cousin's knickers in
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
their own daughter's knicker drawer? Can you imagine her mother
saying, "JonBenet, your 12 year old cousin is visiting this
weekend. We must store knickers in your drawer for her visit." I
wish so that JonBenet's drawer had included only her very own
knickers for I would have wanted her to be dressed in her own
knickers of perfect dimension. Does that answer your question? If
not, I shall answer the question for you. JonBenet was wearing
her
•
cousin's knickers when she was found. I should know....
8
000862
"Thank you for the explanation. As ever, it makes perfect sense." You're
welcome.
• And more: You once asked if I took a pair of JonBenet's knickers
• from her bedroom. I responded with two points. First, I said I
• would not steal anything from a little girl's room. However, I
• pointed out that I have borrowed the knickers of certain little
• girls and have returned them. Secondly, I pointed out that there
• would be no sentimental value in a pair of knickers that were not
• freshly worn. But I never said that I would not borrow a pair of
• knickers from her drawer and exchange them for a freshly worn
pa• ir.
•
And after all, I did not take JonBenet's knickers as you asked. Due
•
•
to all these explanations, that is why you have to read so deep,
the words that I write. Yes?
You tossed the above in. Thoughtful legislation there.
•
•
In the middle of last night, what was left of it, I awoke with
severe stomach pains. JonBenet was in the very front of my mind.
I
•
•
was thinking of the events of her death. I was thinking of how I
must tell you of those events. The whole matter scares the hell
ou• t
• of me. All the running I have done to stay invisible are now be• ing
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
placed on the line. The paranoia is getting more intense as the
inevitable looms - a complete account of the events of her death
shared with you with my own voice. I use the term inevitable
because, to me, this book must be written. The account you will
hear will be so much more than you have heard in the past. It
surpasses those mails that her mother read which is terribly
unfortunate. Her father remains but will his interest remain? I
believe this will have a tremendous impact on you and anyone who
experiences my account. But still, there are unanswered
questions.
•
I've counted at least six.
"So what are they? Six? That's precise."
So insensitive after what I said in that paragraph above.
• It might come to a point where I must
• just release it with all its imperfections. At this point, it is
• not a brief account. But there are things I either cannot recall
or
9
000863
• choose not to share. I
•
am willing to share. freely
Maybe the world will have to settle for what
I have never allowed these thoughts to
•
•
•
•
•
•
roam in my mind for ten years for fear it will drive me mad. If I
have a nervous breakdown in my solitary state, who will take care
of me? But, as you say, I can do it. Wow. Maybe you were instead
saying, I MUST do it. And even Jesus Christ requested to His Holy
Father that he might be delivered from the awful fate of
crucifixion though he knew he would die for the sins of the
world.
"Are you saying that you think you will die? How? Why/ I don't think
so."
I was not saying that I am going to die but you certainly make me feel
like you wouldn't give a damn if I do.
Don't write to me when you feel as you did when you wrote this. This is a
very sensitive matter. I am a very sensitive - not overly, so don't even
talk to me about that. I have been pouring over the events of that night
for days now. I am sure I deserve the agony of it but you could at least be
sensitive with me knowing what I am going through to make this book happen
for all the important reasons that you know without me telling you. I was
prepared today to accept a call from you so that I might pour out these
memories that I have never told another living soul. That person who does
hear this must be a very special person. We are so close, Michael. So
close. Can't you just hang on for a little while longer and show me that
you care about me? I know you care about JonBenet and her father but do you
care about me? If not me, then what about all of this powerful expression
that some would give anything to just glimpse.
Daxis
required
10
000864
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
Tuesday, July 11, 2006 10:23 AM
To:
This is evolving
"..Michael, you
can't
you communicate,
into one of those bad marriage scenarios,
never
talk to me, you never communicate, why
tell me how you feel...." Weird. m
Michael,
My tone is somber, not angry. My tone is soft, not loud. My tone is of one
who is slowly giving up. Know my tone when you read my mail.
Your mail started off wonderfully but as I read it, it reverted back to the
very thing that really bothers me. Treat me as you do your best girlfriend
and we'll be doing fine. I am so NOT male. There is much that you did not
understand in my last mail that would be explained best by looking back at
your original response to "Knickers". For instance, your going into the
middle of something I so sensitively wrote with your response while tossing
the rest of my writings afterwards and then moving on. It doesn't matter.
It does matter and makes me sad but I think I know what is going on. I
think my lengthy responses are losing their effect. You receive so many of
them, they are no longer appreciated as they once were. I suppose one does
not hang on every word when there are so many. I told you that my long
letters have caused me more grief than good. Almost every person I have
known has ultimately taken my many words of expression for granted.
"Daxis, I'm so sorry about the mix up about the phone call. By the
and your Monday when you suggested that the phone # would no longer
work. You have also to understand that there is a 90 minute drive to
Boulder. Plus the alcohol. You also have understand that I have been
feeling like shit for weeks now. i emailed my doctor today, he's also
a friend, and I think that he is going to recommend that I have some
more precise tests. When you are 57 that kind of thing is a tad
worrying. We shall see. But please understand that this is a serious
part of, how can I put this, a lack of energy in my replies. Or it
Thank you. The fact that you did not call me was not the issue that upset
me so. It was your response to "Knickers". You could have called me on
yesterday as well. You are supposed to call me in your morning and the
phone was valid, as I told you, until noon on your Monday. Again, you
didn't call. Anyway, the phone "rolled over" at midnight to add 7 more
days. I have no idea if it will die in those seven days or not. I'm just
telling you that it appears that 7 days have been added. But I cannot
accept a call from you today as I
time i saw your mail I assumed, as I said, that
my today was Sunday
could be the enormity of what I have been reading from you. you
understand that, or at least empathize?"
Can
1
000865
told you. It was your Sunday and your Monday that would have worked.
"Very obedient. Somehow that doesn't seem to fit my sense of you, but
then if it's the job, it's the job."
In case you are wondering, in every job I have ever held, I am known to be
the most radical, outspoken, idealistic teacher in the school. I've walked
away from so many jobs. I am obedient up to a point. When I see that I am
not appreciated, I go. When I see that I am being abused, I go. When I see
that I am being viewed as someone who is a bit too attracted to certain
little girls and the adults start to harass me for it, of course I go, or
worse, I am asked to leave.
"Well, there we are. All I need is another number. BTW, one thing
that fascinates me
working. I have my
think that's why I
want a phone but I
is how the hell one can arrange when a # stops
own method, it's called not paying the bill on time. I
gave up. CU can pay and I'll call it research. I don't
do need internet access."
I am afraid CU is going to shut the whole calling thing down. I do thank
CU for their unknown graciousness. The number supposedly still stands for
another week.
•
Since I told you to call me yesterday, assume I would be willing to
•
talk today although I am a little upset. >
"Don't be upset. We've been together a long time now. A few hours is
not defining. Patience really is a virtue."
And here, you show a nice side. This is the side of you that I can respond
to. This is the side that allows me to open up. Your other side closes me
down to the point of giving up. If I give up, there is nothing. Then you
would have to go back to what you had before you met me and I would go back
to my life on the run. I really don't think about running a lot. I think
about hiding. My life lived in obscurity. It is my fate. Thank you for your
kind words. But I am upset. I have also been reliving that night over and
over. It is taking its toll on me.
•
I meant that I wanted the time to be right
"That's crucial. Don't hurry, just get it as correct, accurate, "right,"
as you need. I am always here. Always listening. Always wanting to
understand. Sometimes I wish I was one of these fishing
types who didn't give a fuck."
Sometimes your responses sound like that fisherman. I am selfconscious
about what I am to reveal to you. I sent one sentence to you about a pen
and stationery and you were all over it. Nothing seems to be good enough or
correct enough. What I tell you will be what it is. It will not be perfect,
I suppose. To me, it is perfect. But you keep going on about the room where
the ransom note was written. Does my information contradict the
speculation? Would you allow speculation to overrule what Daxis tells you?
If so, I am dead in the water. Thank you for saying you are always there to
2
000866
listen. I don't think it is always going' to be that way though. The other
thing that is causing pressure is the fact that ALL hinges on you, Michael.
The book, my connection with her father - everything. If you drop me, I
have no e-mail address or personal phone number for John Ramsey. I cannot
understand why he would want to risk possibly losing any chance to have
contact with me. You are the liaison for him and for the book. if you
waiver, all is lost. Now that is a lot of pressure. What do you suggest I
do if that happens?
> And now?
"We talk when you have the new number."
The old number will supposedly work for 6 more days... It was on yesterday
waiting for your call. Something doesn't want the call to happen.
"Why don't we just agree to accept that we are both under a lot of
stress and therefore express ourselves in ways which are harsher than
intended. I know how sensitive you are, and like a lot of the women
in my life you have occasionally to remind me that there is a part of
me which is a one utterly insensitive sonofabitch. Sorry. We are what
we are, even when we struggle to be not what we are."
I didn't start being "harsh" until you sent your response to
"Knickers". Prior to that, I was just pouring out my heart as I have
been doing for all these years.
"A commercial interruption?? Daxis, that is so not you."
I really don't think anyone gives a damn about what I am writing over
here. What does it matter how I talk about all these pages lying on the
ground. It isn't a book and it never will be because I'm not perfect. The
chapter is gone. It was reduced to two paragraphs in "The Parents' Room".
I have gotten so self-conscious about my writings that I feel that every
step I take is some big mistake. Anyway, the commercial interruption is no
longer and what does it matter...
"Apparently not to me. Otherwise why would i make the point?"
Well now you don't have to worry about whether you understood or not. The
chapter is gone. Oh, I did shelve it away. I never throw anything away.
""Why would I spend any amount of time in JonBenet's room prior to their
arrival? I don't know, Michael. Just because I chose to do so, it
shouldn't discredit me in any way.""
"You said you were in the parent's room"
I am still saying I was in the parents' room where I composed that damned
note. I was also asking you why would I spend time in JonBenet's room AS
WELL??? Why would you think I was confused about which room I was in when I
composed that goddamned note? Why don't you just tell me what I don't
understand - that I am somehow clashing with the commonly held theory of
where the note was written? Let me rephrase the above "Why would I spend
any amount of time in ANY room prior to their arrival? Why would I spend
time
3
000867
upstairs at all? JonBenet's room was also not in a position that would
readily allow me to hear an approaching car." Michael, I spent time in
JonBenet's room prior to their arrival. That is when I took the knickers
from her drawer. It is also when I did something else that you will read
about in the book. My point was, why all the big to do about being in the
Ramseys' bedroom? What made it riskier than JonBenet's room? And that is
why I mentioned JonBenet's room in the midst of this discussion.
"No, you have not explained why it would be John and Patricia's room.
Nor why you would take the risk.
What made it riskier? I could not hear the car returning in JonBenet's room
either. That house was like a sound proofed shelter. And to explain further
why I wrote the note in the parents' room - I felt their presence in that
room. I could smell them. It evoked a reaction. I realized JonBenet had
parents and they must be addressed with a note or with something. It was
natural that I would drop down in that very place and compose that note. No
other place would have yielded so much inspiration - if you could come
close to calling it inspiration. I am a sensitive being. I am sensitive to
vibes, to smells, to sounds and to everything around me. I react to my
surroundings. Holding that into account, why after feeling this strong urge
to communicate with her parents, would I wait until I returned to the
basement to compose it? That scenario would suggest, "he's inspired to
write a note, he delays writing the note until he is no longer inspired and
in a different location at a later time."
""I am almost tempted to actually write it now but what would be the
use?""
"Because it would be part of the detail, part of explaining
everything."
There is a paragraph in the book but even now, I am so selfconscious about
it, I think I must take it out. Look at the damage the first note caused.
What damage will a second note cause? When you have been burned, you don't
stick your hand back into that same fire. A note from the real Daxis would
have been heartfelt and I don't really expound on that in the small
paragraph in the book. Actually, the more we talk about this, the more I am
convinced that I must shelve the entire section of "The Parents' Room" and
rewrite it.
""You certainly didn't see the depth of this mail.""
"Apparently. I guess at the moment I'm not firing on all
cylinders."
I promise you that I am trying as best I can to be clear and
concise. My writings, though lengthy, never ramble. Never.
"If someone did, given where I imagine you being, they probably
I live in a building with a certain number of expats from England and even
the United States. A few days back, I detected an American living just two
doors down from me. If one of those damned Americans heard me talking on
the phone, it would not make me feel so good. I was also referring to
someone on your end as well.
"You are willing to reveal yourself. You have to tell me more about this
since it goes against everything yo have said to
date. what do 4
wouldn't have a clue."
000868
you mean?"
No, I am not willing to reveal myself. However, what is to stop my family
from stepping forth to reveal me? We parted on bad terms. During the
investigation, one or two of them defended me. I would not doubt that a few
might have even lied to save me. If some in my family decide to defend me
when the book comes out, they will speak out and my identity will be laid
open wide. My ex might reveal my identity knowing law enforcement would
come and haul me to prison. Even some old contact in my past might want
their fifteen minutes of fame to just associate with me. And they might
reveal my identity. Worse, what if someone in law enforcement recognizes me
from their readings of the book? They would love to expose my identity. So
you say I am anonymous? Not after that book is released. I don't think it
ever will be at this rate so I have nothing to worry about. But I AM
willing to take the chance that my identity will be exposed. I must tell
you that I hope it is not for the sake of my children and those in my
family who still love me, if any still do.
"Of course there is, you are telling me exactly what happened Christmas
night 1996. You are not a con man. You were there. That's
Thank you. Lately, being believed seems to be heavy on my mind. Quite
simply, if I am not, all is lost. I don't know how I would respond to
something like that. As I have said to you, I am not concerned about
hate. I am concerned that I will not be believed and I am concerned that
law enforcement will finally know where I am.
""To be or not to be be.." is not exactly verbose, but it is
profound.
Me and the Bard have things in common, not being flip is one, being
sparse with language is another , though I admit that in the end he's a
tad better employer of the Queen's English than I."
I did not find anything profound about any of your one word responses and
rarely do. You know you could be more verbose if you wanted to.
'-you give one word responses all the time. You could have
elaborated a bit on this.""
"See above."
You did it again. Michael, you could have elaborated more about John's
interest to talk to me or lack thereof. You have completely stopped
talking about him or the possibility of my connecting with him as if he is
no longer in the picture.
> One word to respond to all that depth and sensitivity. I did it > only
"You didn't prove a point, you merely recognized that I am in the end,
at my best, sparse with language. Graham Greene comes to mind. do
you know why?"
I proved a point. You just didn't get it. No I do not understand what you
are saying about Graham Greene. I also don't appreciate sparseness
especially to such in depth mails as I write. It might be appropriate if
I was also sparse. Let me ask you something. Would you like it if I was
sparse with language? We would get
5
it
11
000669
nowhere. What if I was sparse in language when I write this book? And oh
yes, I will keep some secrets but sparse? Never.
"Sorry. But I get the sense that you are not in a good frame of mind.
I was trying to empathize with your quest for a better word. that' s
all, no mystery."
My frame of mind was and is good. I know what I am saying and
understand fully, my reactions to what you are saying.
•
•
I poured out to you. You have
no right to punish me over and over for that term. I said over
an• d
•
•
over that I was so sorry for using one word out of line in
reference to my little girl. And you respond coldly.
"Daxis please, that's bullshit. i specifically said that it
surprised
me because I understood that it was a word you would not wish to use."
You made quite the deal out of it and just kept making quite the deal
out of it. It was very much like punishment to me. It was horrible.
•
•
•
•
•
You could have
said, "I know you loved that little girl and meant nothing at all
by using any such term." Because you know that I did love her and
still do. This is very similar to how her parents have been
treated. That every word is used against them.
"Your bonded with the agony of her demise. In that sense you are all
linked for eternity."
Michael, I loved her and I still love her. We are not only bound
together in agony. We are linked eternally through our intense love.
•
•
•
•
•
I'm
own.
I• 'm not perfect, Michael. I am not at my best at any time that I
• • You kind of tossed the above after your response. "What does this mean
Daxis?"
I explained that in my opening paragraph.
"How would you have killed yourself?"
I had only one item with me that I could have used to kill myself. 6
000870
It was a stiletto - a sharp blade used for cutting rope. I told you about
it in my phone conversation. I am even apprehensive about referring to it
as a stiletto. Every word I use if causing me concern. I would have
preferred to plunge it in my broken heart. I write this in the book. Maybe
I should take it out. I feel like everything I say is wrong.
•
•
The matter that a wonderful child is dead? The matter that her
lover is lying in a pool of blood in her bed beside her?
"Can you expand on this? A pool of blood implies shooting yourself,
slashing a wrist. It is certainly the case that such an ending, with
you by JonBenet's side, dead, would definitely avoided some of Patsy's
pain, but not that caused by the loss of her daughter."
Maybe you are right that her mother wouldn't have given a damn whether I
was in a pool of blood in her daughter's bed. You still emphasize Patsy's
ordeal of being blamed. There was more at play on that night and in its
aftermath. If you could have asked Patsy, on retrospect, what has been the
most difficult about this, I am certain she would have responded - "losing
my daughter was the hardest part." Being accused was hard but she was
strong and could defend herself and she had confidence in herself. But it
was the loss of that child that was the most difficult. John is still alive
and could confirm this with his own feelings. "You can accuse me, you can
take my wealth, but nothing will pain me more than the loss of my little
girl." And that is the voice of every genuine parent who loves their child
above themselves. That last statement speaks volumes about how I feel about
this entire matter. It would have been the underlying theme for that
relationship that I tried to have with JonBenet's mother prior to her
death.
""I once told you that you might not feel JonBenet's presence at 755 but
I never said you might not feel my presence.""
"Interesting, but ultimately no way of knowing"
""In other words, you are discounting my statement.""
"Daxis, I didn't say that . As you would say, re-read what i said."
Then what are you saying, oh ye of few words? How can I gather anything
from such a short sentence? It is easy to read it a hundred times and I
have. I came up with what I thought you were conveying.
•
•
It is thought that
when a person experiences a terrible trauma, part of their
sp• irit
•
•
•
•
•
is left behind. Some think partial spirits can be left even by
those who are still living. My spirit is at 755 as well as at
JonBenet's grave. Maybe you felt my spirit when you were in that
basement. Maybe that was what gave you that feeling that you
describe of knowing that there was something much more
• • complicated
•
•
•
understand. But then there is also the fact that, my little girl
speaks....
7
000871
• • A• gain, the above is tossed in and ignored. "No!
No!"
But it was. It was placed after your response in the middle of my
paragraph. You then moved on to the rest of my mail.
•
"I have a couple of ideas"
• • Want to let me hear them? "I will suggest the possibilities when we
speak at the weekend."
I have great difficulty hearing you on the phone. I can scarcely hear a
single word. The connection is really bad as I knew it would be.
•
•
either I will write the entire book or it will never be
pu• blished
•
anyhow.
• • ""Well Patricia is dead now. I lost her and all chances to make
•
•
sorry.""
• • She does? How do you know? I would not believe that from anyone
• • but
• • her and now I shall never know.
• • No comment. "About?"
You made no comment of how you know anything about Patricia. Michael, you
never convey actual words that John Ramsey says to you with the exception
of that one message that he dictated. You said you talked with him about me
at the funeral but I heard nothing of his actual response to you. Again, I
will say, I have no proof that she knew I was sorry. I asked you HOW you
knew and you did not comment. While we are on the subject, I wrote a small
message to him while you were away at Patricia's funeral to be handed to
him in person. What did you do with that mail that contained a personal
message to John? You never told me. No comment.
""It means I do not know what is going on with your side of the
book.111'
"I ned to know more about YOU not just that night. That's why a 8
000872
meeting/interview/conversation could be so important - as long as I can do
it on the cheap."
I fully wrote Part One of the book which is entitled "Daxis" and this is
all the information I am willing to give about myself. Therefore, you DO
know about me. I wrote my life story from childhood to teen to adult to my
career to my idealogies on loving little girls. I know you will not come to
me for a personal interview. I'll never meet you, Michael. I'll never meet
John Ramsey. Not because I did not offer but because I know the future. Was
I not right about Patricia? I told you I would never be allowed to connect
with her and I was not.
-'All of my horrific accounts are now written."" "Then
send them to me."
""0h wow. So now, you don't want a verbal account.""
"Oh Daxis please, i want to see the written and hear the verbal
accounts."
Oh Michael please. I wrote above that I have written ALL of my horrific
accounts. You instantly said, so send them. How else could I interpret what
you said. Of course, you might have broken from brevity and added, "I wish
to hear your verbal account but will look forward to the written version
that will follow." But then, you are you and I am me.
""You just want me to send the written account. I was trying to do the
right thing and tell this to you with my own voice.""
"It was you who paused the verbal account not me. I will be there this
weekend to listen."
Sounds like you are now blaming me for something. It was you who caused
me to pause. Recall that I was trying to finish the story that day and
you stopped me. So don't tell me it is my fault that the verbal account
was delayed. I delayed it for a few days only based on that phone
conversation.
""I thought that was so important. I thought that was what you wanted. It
was something I was willing to do. But now, you say just send the
words....I'll
"I NEVER said that..."
I think that is the theme, you NEVER say a lot of things that you SHOULD
say. Instead, you ONLY wrote that I should send ALL of my written accounts
of those horrific events.
"This on I'm going to have to read many times. However, I must admit
that the only explanation that makes sense about the knickers is yours.
nothing else comes close."
Thank you, Michael. However, how could any other explanation make more
sense than MY description if indeed you believe that I took JonBenet's
life on the night of December 25th, 1996?
""Her father remains but will his interest remain?'"
"Err???? Yes"
Ok....
9
000873
""So insensitive after what I said in that paragraph above."" "Still
don't understand"
Then you never will.
"I think you need closure and your own validation."
I know one thing I do not care about - I do not seek fame as I am making
every effort to remain anonymous. No one will approach me for an
autograph. No one will recognize me in public when they see me. I wish to
remain faceless. I need closure though I will never have it completely. I
suppose I need validation though I know what is true in my heart. I wish
to reclaim what is mine - JonBenet. It needs to be acknowledged that I
belong with her - my name, Daxis, alongside her name, JonBenet - forever.
"After all I'm the only one who really understands that you loved
JonBenet."
I appreciate that you said that; however, I do not think you are the only
person who understands I loved JonBenet. JonBenet's father seems to
understand that I loved his daughter. He further said that he appreciated
my love for JonBenet. Not only does he know that I loved her but he also
appreciates it. I will never know how Patricia felt but I know from his
message, that John realized my love was intense for his child. He did not
use the term "connection". He used the term "love". I am so proud of that
one single statement from her father. It touched me beyond all things. For
the father of a living child to say such a thing has always meant a lot to
me and is rare. But for JonBenet's father, whose daughter is dead because
of me, to express appreciation for my love for his little girl, is beyond
this world.
"Daxis, I'm going nowhere. I feel that you are in agony and my ordained
role in life is to help you get through the pain. I am going
nowhere. Send me the new number, you need to talk."
Thank you. That is a very touching thing to say about me and your role in
life. I appreciate it more than you can know. I have lost everyone in my
life. I am now losing those who could have been a part of my future Patricia.
Soon enough, I will go over the events of that night. I am sure it will
deviate from the theories and the Smit findings. I simply don't care if it
does. I did things my way that night. I took no instruction. It wasn't
planned. It happened. And after you hear my descriptions, maybe much will
change between us. A mere mention of a pen seemed to cause a stir within
you. Then what will my elaborate description or lack thereof evoke in you?
I have given this much thought and have concluded that I am weary with
rerunning the horrible events of that night through my head after horrid
mental trauma and ten long years. I shall release what I am willing to
release and that has to be enough. Whatever happens, surely you know one
thing to be true: I loved JonBenet Ramsey and shared passionate moments
with her.
Daxis
required
10
000874
11
000875
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Tuesday, July 11, 2006 10:33 AM
This is evolving
into one of those bad marriage scenarios,
"..Michael, you
can't
you communicate,
never
talk to me, you never communicate, why
tell me how you feel...." Weird. m
Michael,
My tone is somber, not angry. My tone is soft, not loud. My tone is of one
4
"Daxis, I'm so sorry about the mix up about the phone call. By the time i
saw your mail I assumed, as I said, that my today was Sunday and your
Monday when you suggested that the phone # would no longer
work. You have also to understand that there is a 90 minute drive to
Boulder. Plus the alcohol. You also have understand that I have been
feeling like shit for weeks now. i emailed my doctor today, he's also
a friend, and I think that he is going to recommend that I have some
worrying. We shall see. But please understand that this is a serious
didn't call. Anyway, the phone "rolled over" at midnight to add 7 more
accept a call from you today as I
i
could be the enormity of what I have been reading from you. you
Can
000876
told you. It was your Sunday and your Monday that would have worked.
In case you are wondering, in every job I have ever held, I am known to be
the most radical, outspoken, idealistic teacher in the school. I've walked
away from so many jobs. I am obedient up to a point. When I see that I am
not appreciated, I go. When I see that I am being abused, I go. When I see
that I am being viewed as someone who is a bit too attracted to certain
little girls and the adults start to harass me for it, of course I go, or
worse, I am asked to leave.
that fascinates me
working. I have my
think that's why I
want a phone but I
another week.
•
Since I told you to call me yesterday, assume I would be willing to
•
talk today although I am a little upset.
"Don't be upset. We've been together a long time now. A few hours is
not defining. Patience really is a virtue."
about hiding. My life lived in obscurity. it is my fate. Thank you for your
•
the ransom note was written. Does my information contradict the
speculation? Would you allow speculation to overrule what Daxis tells you?
If so, I am dead in the water. Thank you for saying you are always there to
2
000877
Bennett, Tom
Prom:
Sent:
To:
Michael,
I sent this mail days ago. I think you are
having mail problems again. I have resent "A
Verbal Account".
"Daxis, sorry about the
communication problems." Thank
you, Michael. It's ok.
"I am sorry that you are disheartened, and i will
try to do my best to hearten you."
Thank you. I need to be heartened. The closer I get
to this book, the more concerned I become. I am
afraid, Michael. I am afraid law enforcement will
have me.
"I'm really sorry. I had and have no intent in
hurting you. So I apologize if that is how you
felt."
Thank you, my friend. I need you as a friend, as a
listener, as many things. I am a sensitive person
and it is for that reason that I am even here
talking to you as I do about this child. I loved
.hat little girl. I wanted so badly to take care of
her but I let tier down.
"I will as I say call on Saturday, and try and
catch up with the mails in between times. I hope
you are finding your new school a great place to
work."
Thank you so much. I am just going in to prepare my
room as they asked. it is also a time for signing
contracts. I don't even know what grade level I
will be getting. I dread it.... I know they will
bring up the police report. If they do, I will just
have to walk.
Please respond to "A Verbal Account". Take care of
yourself. Go to the doctor. Anything you can do to
hang in there for this task of getting this book
published. Thank you so much for this small letter.
I shall always appreciate it when you acknowledge
my feelings.
Daxis
000878
Bennett, Tom
From:
lent:
To:
I sent this yesterday....
Michael,
My tone is somber, not angry. My tone is soft, not loud., My tone is of one
Daxis, I'm so sorry about the mix up about the phone call. By the time i
saw your mail I assumed, as I said, that my today was Sunday and your
Monday when you suggested that the phone # would no longer
work. You have also to understand that there is a 90 minute drive
to
Boulder. Plus the alcohol. You also have understand that I have
been
feeling like shit for weeks now. i emailed my doctor today, he's
also
a friend, and I think that he is going to recommend that I have
some
worrying. We shall see. But please understand that this is a
serious
could be the enormity of what I have been reading from you.
Can you
didn't call. Anyway, the phone "rolled over" at iidnight to add 7 more
accept a call from you today as I told you. It was your Sunday and your
Monday that would have worked.
I
000879
7n case you are wondering, in every job I have ever held, I am .cnown to
be the most radical, outspoken, idealistic teacher in the school. I've
walked away from so many jobs. I am obedient up to a point. When I see
that I am not appreciated, I go. When I see that I am being abused, I go.
When I see that I am being viewed as someone who is a bit too attracted to
certain little girls and the adults start to harass me for it, of course I
go, or worse, I am asked to leave.
that fascinates me
working. I have my
think that's why I
want a phone but I
another week.
• Since I told you to call me yesterday, assume I would be willing >
to
•
talk today although I am a little upset.
"Don't be upset. We've been together a long time now. A few hours
.a
-Lot defining. Patience really is a virtue."
about hiding. My life lived in obscurity. It is my fate. Thank you for your
•
the ransom note
,as written. Does my information contradict the speculation? Would ,rou
allow speculation to overrule what Daxis tells you? If so, I am dead in the
water. Thank you for saying you are always there to listen. I don't think
it is always going to be that way though. The other thing that is causing
pressure is the fact that ALL hinges on
2
000880
you, Michael. The book, my connection with her father - everything. If you
drop me, I have no e-mail address or personal phone number for John
Ramsey. I cannot understand why he would want to risk possibly losing any
chance to have contact with me. You are the liaison for him and for the
book. If you waiver, all is lost. Now that is a lot of pressure. What do
you suggest I do if that happens?
> And now?
"We talk when you have the new number."
The old number will supposedly work for 6 more days... It was on yesterday
waiting for your call. Something doesn't want the call to happen.
"Why don't we just agree to accept that we are both under a lot of
stress and therefore express ourselves in ways which are harsher than
intended. I know how sensitive you are, and like a lot of the women
in my life you have occasionally to remind me that there is a part of
me which is a one utterly insensitive sonofabitch. Sorry. We are what
we are, even when we struggle to be not what we are."
"Knickers". Prior to that, I was just pouring out my heart as I have
been doing for all these years.
"A commercial interruption?? Daxis, that is so not you."
I really don't think anyone gives a damn about what I am writing over
here. What does it matter how I talk about all these pages lying on the
ground. It isn't a book and it never will be because I'm not perfect. The
chapter is gone. It was reduced to two paragraphs in "The Parents' Room".
I have gotten so self-conscious about my writings that I feel that every
step I take is some big mistake. Anyway, the commercial interruption is
no longer and what does it matter...
"Apparently not to me. Otherwise why would i make the point?"
Well now you don't have to worry about whether you understood or not.
The chapter is gone. Oh, I did shelve it away. I never throw anything
away.
""Why would I spend any amount of time in JonBenet's room prior to their
arrival? I don't know, Michael. Just because I chose to do so, it
shouldn't discredit me in any way.""
"You said you were in the parent's room"
I am still saying I was in the parents' room where I composed that damned
note. I was also asking you why would I spend time in JonBenet's room AS
WELL??? Why would you think I was confused about which room I was in when
I composed that goddamned note? Why don't you just tell me what I don't
understand - that I am somehow :lashing with the commonly held theory of
where the note was written? Let me rephrase the above "Why would I spend
any amount of time in ANY room prior to their arrival? Why would I spend
time upstairs at all? JonBenet's room was also not in a position that
would readily allow me to hear an approaching car." Michael, I
3
000881
spent time in JonBenet's room prior to their arrival. That is when I took
the knickers from her drawer. It is also when I did something else that
you will read about in the book. My point was, why all the big to do about
being in the Ramseys' bedroom? What made it riskier than JonBenet's room?
And that is why I mentioned JonBenet's room in the midst of this
discussion.
"No, you have not explained why it would be John and Patricia's room.
Nor why you would take the risk.
What made it riskier? I could not hear the car returning in JonBenet's room
either. That house was like a sound proofed shelter. And to explain further
why I wrote the note in the parents' room - I felt their presence in that
room. I could smell them. It evoked a reaction. I realized JonBenet had
parents and they must be addressed with a note or with something. It was
natural that I would drop down in that very place and compose that note. No
other place would have yielded so much inspiration - if you could come
close to calling it inspiration. I am a sensitive being. I am sensitive to
vibes, to smells, to sounds and to everything around me. I react to my
surroundings. Holding that into account, why after feeling this strong urge
to communicate with her parents, would I wait until I returned to the
basement to compose it? That scenario would suggest, "he's inspired to
write a note, he delays writing the note until he is no longer inspired and
in a different location at a later time."
""I am almost tempted to actually write it now but what would be the
use?""
"Because it would be part of the detail, part of explaining
everything."
here is a paragraph in the book but even now, I am so selfconscious about
it, I think I must take it out. Look at the damage the first note caused.
What damage will a second note cause? When you have been burned, you don't
stick your hand back into that same fire. A note from the real Daxis would
have been heartfelt and I don't really expound on that in the small
paragraph in the book. Actually, the more we talk about this, the more I am
convinced that I must shelve the entire section of "The Parents' Room" and
rewrite it.
""You certainly didn't see the depth of this mail.""
"Apparently. I guess at the moment I'm not firing on all
cylinders."
I promise you that I am trying as best I can to be clear and
concise. My writings, though lengthy, never ramble. Never.
"If someone did, given where I imagine you being, they probably wouldn't
have a clue."
I live in a building with a certain number of expats from England and even
the United States. A few days back, I detected an American living just two
doors down from me. If one of those damned Americans heard me talking on
the phone, it would not make me feel so good. I was also referring to
someone on your end as well.
.his since it goes against everything yo have said to date. what do you
mean?"
"You are willing to reveal yourself. You
have to tell me more about
4
000882
No, I am not willing to reveal myself. However, what is to stop my family
from stepping forth to reveal me? We parted on bad terms. During the
investigation, one or two of them defended me. I would not doubt that a few
might have even lied to save me. If some in my family decide to defend me
when the book comes out, they will speak
jut and my identity will be laid open wide. My ex might reveal my identity
knowing law enforcement would come and haul me to prison Even some old
contact in my past might want their fifteen minutes of fame to just
associate with me. And they might reveal my identity. Worse, what if
someone in law enforcement recognizes me from their readings of the book?
They would love to expose my identity. So you say I am anonymous? Not after
that book is released. I don't think it ever will be at this rate so I have
nothing to worry about. But I AM willing to take the chance that my
identity will be exposed. I must tell you that I hope it is not for the
sake of my children and those in my family who still love me, if any still
do.
"Of course there is, you are telling me exactly what happened Christmas
night 1996. You are not a con man. You were there. That's it."
Thank you. Lately, being believed seems to be heavy on my mind. Quite
simply, if I am not, all is lost. I don't know how I would respond to
something like that. As I have said to you, I am not concerned about
hate. I am concerned that I will not be believed and I am concerned that
law enforcement will finally know where I am.
""To be or not to be be.." is not exactly verbose, but it is
profound.
Me and the Bard have things in common, not being flip is one, being
;parse with language is another , though I admit that in the end se's a
tad better employer of the Queen's English than I."
I did not find anything profound about any of your one word responses and
rarely do. You know you could be more verbose if you wanted to.
""You give one word responses all the time. You could have
elaborated a bit on this.""
"See above."
You did it again. Michael, you could have elaborated more about John's
interest to talk to me or lack thereof. You have completely stopped
talking about him or the possibility of my connecting with him as if he is
no longer in the picture.
> One word to respond to all that depth and sensitivity. I did it > only
"You didn't prove a point, you merely recognized that I am in the end,
at my best, sparse with language. Graham Greene comes to mind. do
you know why?"
I proved a point. You just didn't get it. No I do not understand what you
are saying about Graham Greene. I also don't appreciate sparseness
especially to such in depth mails as I write. It might je appropriate if
I was also sparse. Let me ask you something. Would you like it if I was
sparse with language? We would get nowhere. What if I was sparse in
language when I write this book? And oh yes, I will keep some secrets but
sparse? Never.
5
000883
"Sorry. But I get the sense that you are not in a good frame of mind.
I was trying to empathize with your quest for a better word. that' s
all, no mystery."
My frame of mind was and is good. I know what I am saying and
understand fully, my reactions to what you are saying.
•
•
I poured out to you. You have
no right to punish me over and over for that term. I said over
an• d
• over that I was so sorry for using one word out of line in
• reference to my little girl. And you respond coldly.
"Daxis please, that's bullshit. i specifically said that it
surprised
me because I understood that it was a word you would not wish to use."
You made quite the deal out of it and just kept making quite the deal
out of it. It was very much like punishment to me. It was horrible.
• You could have
• said, "I know you loved that little girl and meant nothing at all
• by using any such term." Because you know that I did love her and
• still do. This is very similar to how her parents have been
• treated. That every word is used against them.
7
"Your bonded with the agony of her demise. In that sense you are all
linked for eternity."
together in agony. We are linked eternally through our intense love.
•
•
I'm
• own.
•
•
I• 'm not perfect, Michael. I am not at my best at any time that I
• • You kind of tossed the above after your response. "What does this mean
Daxis?"
I explained that in my opening paragraph. "How
would you have killed yourself?"
I had only one item with me that I could have used to kill myself. It was a
stiletto - a sharp blade used for cutting rope. I told you about it in my
phone conversation. I am even apprehensive about
6
000884
referring to it as a stiletto. Every word I use if causing me concern. I
would have preferred to plunge it in my broken heart. I write this in the
book. Maybe I should take it out. I feel like everything I say is wrong.
•
•
The matter that a wonderful child is dead? The matter that her
lover is lying in a pool of blood in her bed beside her?
"Can you expand on this? A pool of blood implies shooting yourself,
slashing a wrist. It is certainly the case that such an ending, with
you by JonBenet's side, dead, would definitely avoided some of Patsy's
pain, but not that caused by the loss of her daughter."
Maybe you are right that her mother wouldn't have given a damn whether I
was in a pool of blood in her daughter's bed. You still emphasize Patsy's
ordeal of being blamed. There was more at play on that night and in its
aftermath. If you could have asked Patsy, on retrospect, what has been the
most difficult about this, I am certain she would have responded - "losing
my daughter was the hardest part." Being accused was hard but-she was
strong and could defend herself and she had confidence in herself. But it
was the loss of that child that was the most difficult. John is still alive
and could confirm this with his own feelings. "You can accuse me, you can
take my wealth, but nothing will pain me more than the loss of my little
girl." And that is the voice of every genuine parent who loves their child
above themselves. That last statement speaks volumes about how I feel about
this entire matter. It would have been the underlying theme for that
relationship that I tried to have with JonBenet's mother prior to her
death.
""I once told you that you might not feel JonBenet's presence at 755 but
I never said you might not feel my presence.""
"Interesting, but ultimately no way of knowing"
""In other words, you are discounting my statement.""
"Daxis, I didn't say that . As you would say, re-read what i said."
Then what are you saying, oh ye of few words? How can I gather anything
from such a short sentence? It is easy to read it a hundred times and I
have. I came up with what I thought you were conveying.
•
•
It is thought that
when a person experiences a terrible trauma, part of their
sp• irit
•
is left behind. Some think partial spirits can be left even by
•
•
•
•
•
those who are still living. My spirit is at 755 as well as at
JonBenet's grave. Maybe you felt my spirit when you were in that
basement. Maybe that was what gave you that feeling that you
describe of knowing that there was something much more
complicated
•
> understand. But then there is also the fact that, my little girl >
speaks....
7
000885
• Again, the above is tossed in and ignored. "No!
No!"
,ut it was. It was placed after your response in the middle of my
paragraph. You then moved on to the rest of my mail.
•
"I have a couple of ideas"
• • Want to let me hear them? "I will suggest the possibilities when we
speak at the weekend."
I have great difficulty hearing you on the phone. I can scarcely hear a
single word. The connection is really bad as I knew it would be.
•
•
either I will write the entire book or it will never be
pu• blished
•
anyhow.
• • ""Well Patricia is dead now. I lost her and all chances to make
•
sorry.""
•
•
•
>
•
She does? How do you know? I would »
but
her and now I shall never know.
No comment.
"About?"
not believe that from anyone
You made no comment of how you know anything about Patricia. Michael, you
never convey actual words that John Ramsey says to you with the exception
of that one message that he dictated. You said you talked with him about me
at the funeral but I heard nothing of his actual response to you. Again, I
will say, I have no proof that she knew I was sorry. I asked you HOW you
knew and you did not comment. While we are on the subject, I wrote a small
message to him while you were away at Patricia's funeral to be handed to
him in person. What did you do with that mail that contained a personal
message to John? You never told me. No comment.
""It means I do not know what is going on with your side of the 'gook.
""
"I ned to know more about YOU not just that night. That's why a
meeting/interview/conversation could be so important •- as long as I
8
000886
can do it on the cheap."
I fully wrote Part one of the book which is entitled "Daxis" and this is
all the information I am willing to give about myself. Therefore, you DO
know about me. I wrote my life story from childhood to teen to adult to my
career to my idealogies on loving little girls. I know you will not come
to me for a personal interview. I'll never meet you, Michael. I'll never
meet John Ramsey. Not because I did not offer but because I know the
future. Was I not right about Patricia? I told you I would never be
allowed to connect with her and I was not.
""All of my horrific accounts are now written."" "Then
send them to me."
""Oh wow. So now, you don't want a verbal account.""
"Oh Daxis please, i want to see the written and hear the verbal
accounts."
Oh Michael please. I wrote above that I have written ALL of my horrific
accounts. You instantly said, so send them. How else could I interpret what
you said. of course, you might have broken from brevity and added, "I wish
to hear your verbal account but will look forward to the written version
that will follow." But then, you are you and I am me.
""You just want me to send the written account. I was trying to do the
right thing and tell this to you with my own voice.""
"It was you who paused the verbal account not me. I will be there this
weekend to listen."
Sounds like you are now blaming me for something. It was you who caused me
to pause. Recall that I was trying to finish the story that day and you
stopped me. So don't tell me it is my fault that the verbal account was
delayed. I delayed it for a few days only based on that phone
conversation.
""I thought that was so important. I thought that was what you wanted. It
was something I was willing to do. But now, you say just send the
words....""
"I NEVER said that..."
I think that is the theme, you NEVER say a lot of things that you SHOULD
say. Instead, you ONLY wrote that I should send ALL of my written
accounts of those horrific events.
"This on I'm going to have to read many times. However, I must admit
that the only explanation that makes sense about the knickers is yours,
nothing else comes close."
Thank you, Michael. However, how could any other explanation make more
sense than MY description if indeed you believe that I took JonBenet's
life on the night of December 25th, 1996?
""Her father remains but will his interest remain?""
"Err???? Yes"
Ok....
9
000887
""So insensitive after what I said in that paragraph above."" "Still
don't understand"
..'hen you never will.
"I think you need closure and your own validation."
I know one thing I do not care about - I do not seek fame as I am making
every effort to remain anonymous. No one will approach me for an
autograph. No one will recognize me in public when they see me. I wish to
remain faceless. I need closure though I will never have it completely. I
suppose I need validation though I know what is true in my heart. I wish
to reclaim what is mine - JonBenet. It needs to be acknowledged that I
belong with her - my name, Daxis, alongside her name, JonBenet - forever.
"After all I'm the only one who really understands that you loved
JonBenet."
I appreciate that you said that; however, I do not think you are the only
person who understands I loved JonBenet. JonBenet's father seems to
understand that I loved his daughter. He further said that he appreciated
my love for JonBenet. Not only does he know that I loved her but he also
appreciates it. I will never know how Patricia felt but I know from his
message, that John realized my love was intense for his child. He did not
use the term "connection". He used the term "love". I am so proud of that
one single statement from her father. It touched me beyond all things. For
the father of a living child to say such a thing has always meant a lot to
me and is rare. But for JonBenet's father, whose daughter is dead because
of me, to express appreciation for my love =or his little girl, is beyond
this world.
"Daxis, I'm going nowhere. I feel that you are in agony and my ordained
role in life is to help you get through the pain. I am going
nowhere. Send me the new number, you need to talk."
Thank you. That is a very touching thing to say about me and your role in
life. I appreciate it more than you can know. I have lost everyone in my
life. I am now losing those who could have been a part of my future Patricia.
Soon enough, I will go over the events of that night. I am sure it will
deviate from the theories and the Smit findings. I simply don't care if it
does. I did things my way that night. I took no instruction. It wasn't
planned. It happened. And after you hear my descriptions, maybe much will
change between us. A mere mention of a pen seemed to cause a stir within
you. Then what will my elaborate description or lack thereof evoke in you?
I have given this much thought and have concluded that I am weary with
rerunning the horrible events of that night through my head after horrid
mental trauma and ten long years. I shall release what I am willing to
release and that has to be enough. Whatever happens, surely you know one
thing to be true: I loved JonBenet Ramsey and shared passionate moments
with her.
Daxis
.oncerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email, no account
required
10
000888
11
000889
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey (MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu]
Michael,
Why are you not answering my very extensive mail from yesterday
entitled, "A Verbal Account"? You are responding to my short notes
instead.... And you also resent something from yesterday. Will you
consider answering my mail from yesterday? Again, I will resend...
Daxis
On Tue, 11 Jul 2006 23:09:00 +0200 Michael Tracey
<Michael.Traceyocolorado.edu> wrote:
•
•
•
•
•
Daxis, sorry about the communication problems. I genuinely
understood
that the phone would not be active. Now that you tell me that it
is
being rolled over for another week I will call you on Saturday am
• • Boulder time.
• On Jul 10, 2006, at 8:20 AM, Daxis wrote:
•
Michael,
•
Your response is disheartening.
•
I• 've tried to explain that i am low on energy and this affects how
•
much I write. I am sorry that you are disheartened, and i will try
•
•
to
do my best to hearten you.
•
•
>
•
•
I spent hours on that mail. You
sure know how to hurt me.
I'm really sorry. I had and have no intent in hurting you. So I
apologize if that is how you felt.
•
•
I must stop sending mails like that. They
are so important to me.
•
Are you going to call me or not? This phone is due to stop
•
working 000890
1
• in a matter of hours. Today is the last chance I will get to
• • talk
•
to you until this weekend. So call now.
• • I will as I say call on Saturday, and try and catch up with the
• mails
• in between times. I hope you are finding your new school a great
• place to work.
• m
•
Daxis
>>
•
Concerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email,
• no
•
•
account required
•
•
required
2
000891
From:
ient:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.eduj
Why are you resending mail from yesterday? I sent you a new mail
yesterday. Will you respond to that?? I'll resend .... Daxis
On Tue, 11 Jul 2006 17:48:07 +0200 Michael Tracey <
Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu> wrote:
• Daxis, I'm so sorry about the mix up about the phone call. By the
• • time i saw your mail I assumed, as I said, that my today was
• Sunday
• and your Monday when you suggested that the phone # would no
• longer
• work. You have also to understand that there is a 90 minute drive
• to
• Boulder. Plus the alcohol. You also have understand that I have
:oncerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email, no account
required
https://www.hushssl.cam?1=485
1
000892
From:
Sent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Wednesday, July 12, 2006 8:29 PM
On Jul 12, 2006, at 8:12 PM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
>
• How are you? I hope you're feeling bettr.
Nope. Still feeling like shit.
>.I wrote something to you
• yesterday about my day at school where I made some lovely new
• friends - little girls age five, but I'm not going to send it until
• you respond to at least my last long mail entitled, "A Verbal
• Account". We need to keep the communication going.
Of course we do. And yes it's important. Do you really think that I would
keep our communication going if it wasn't important.
• Don't we? I
• think it's important.
On to the mail. m
• • Daxis
1
000893
Bennett, Tom
°rom:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey [ MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu]
He's angry with me, but still wants me to call on Saturday. Any thoughts?
I'm thinking that I will not reply to this email as I normally do, but
instead will write one which is direct and kind of hand holding. Guidance
here would be helpful since he is picking up on the fact that my energy for
responding is running low. Obviously, however, I don't want to give up if
it helps to find him. m
Michael,
I think it is time that I stop writing e-mails to you until you feel
better. I am not happy with the way you deal with my mails. You are doing
some things over and over that I have asked you not to do. It's just
becoming very upsetting to me. I'm not inspired to pour out to you and get
responses like you so proudly send. I can't do it anymore. Yes, I am
responding to your "comments" but this is NOT one of my profound and
important mails.
•
My tone is somber, not angry. My tone is soft, not loud. My tone is
of one who is slowly giving up. Know my tone when you read my ma• il.
"I'11 try."
Why would YOU have to try....? I'm the one dealing with this "new you that
is becoming almost unbearable. Michael, why are you doing this? Why in this
world would you act like this toward me? Why?
"I hate to jest, but there are many girlfriends who would suggest that
I treat you as I did them."
That might be funny to you but it isn't to me. It is almost as if you are
boasting about it. It's nothing to be proud of. It doesn't make you more
of a man. But my next comment lets you know that I don't know a hell of a
lot about that.
•
I am so NOT male.
"OK, let me try and work this out. I know you like young girls, I know
that you have a female alter ego, I know that you are sexually
aroused by knickers, but why the "NOT" ie. why the emphasis? Daxis,
I know that your sexuality is complex and interesting and doesn't exactly
fit the "..OK, dear, it's Sunday morning, time for intercourse.."
mentality. So why the capital letters. What are you
saying to me."
1
000894
This was one of your longest responses in the entire mail. There are
things about me that you don't know. I touched on it a couple of times
but you never caught it. No need to elaborate. I can't afford to because
you will just respond with one sentence. I've .ost my inspiration to
express myself in mail. I will tell you this, it is QUITE amazing.
•
•
•
•
•
•
There is much that you did not understand in my last mail that
would be explained best by looking back at your original response
to "Knickers". For instance, your going into the middle of
something I so sensitively wrote with your response while tossing
the rest of my writings afterwards and then moving on. It doesn't
matter. It does matter and makes me sad but I think I know what
is
• • going on. I think my lengthy responses are losing their effect. "No.
Absolutely not."
On this end, you are proving quite the opposite. I am in shut down mode.
You'll notice it if you care.
"Of course they are appreciated, though you are i admit prolific in a
way in which I am not. To be honest, I'm not quite sure whether that
is a good or a bad thing."
It is EASY for you NOT to respond as you should to me. It IS a bad thing
because you are turning me off so much that I can't even rite a decent
mail to you.
•
•
I suppose one does not hang on every word when there are
so many. I told you that my long letters have caused me more
gr• ief
• than good. Almost every person I have known has ultimately taken >
my
•
many words of expression for granted. "Words
about what?"
Words about whatever.
"I will call you Saturday. A rolling over phone? How does that work,
sounds like a telecom Mick Jagger."
What is the big to do about my phone rolling over? I had no control over
it. It was destined to die and it rolled over for seven more days instead.
I promise you, it should be dead after that. Maybe it's for the best. God
knows John Ramsey could care less. Yes, Michael, I know he is grieving but
his LACK of interest in my phone number started long before that. Simply,
if he believed I killed his daughter, he would RUN no walk to a phone and
let it ring an hundred times until I answer.
"Now that I can relate to. I've noticed that the times when you get
2
000895
pissed with me is when you feel I'm not taking you seriously, or
questioning or doubting. You always misunderstand me at those moments,
but I can sense your emotional reaction. If I didn't empathize we would
not be having this communication."
I think it's more upsetting how you have decided to deal with my intense
mails. It's up to you, Michael. I have a beautiful mail but I won't send
it. If it is going to be more upsetting to send a chunk of my heart and
have you respond like this over and over, then why do it?
•
•
•
When I see that
I am being abused, I go. When I see that I am being viewed as
someone who is a bit too attracted to certain little girls and
the
• adults start to harass me for it, of course I go, or worse, I am
• asked to leave. >
"To be blunt, no big surprise there, but when were you asked to leave?"
I don't remember. It's happened less than you might think. Don't you
just hate vague, unthoughtful, trite answers? I know I do.
"Let me worry about CU. No problem."
I hope you don't get in trouble for the calls. I do appreciate that they
are doing this though they don't know it yet.
•
And here, you show a nice side.
"Believe it or not, I have one."
Where was your nice side when you responded to this mail after I pleaded
with you to do so. I haven't forgotten that you never responded to some
four or five of my past mails. Maybe someday, you will wonder why you did
that to me. Maybe not.
"I'm going nowhere, I'm listening. I think your fate IS to have to
live with that night, which is why talking about it, writing about is
a form of therapy. It's like crying, it's a relief. You have spent
the past ten years crying inside. Now you are, and need to, cry outside
and that is where I come in. Crying though is not easy, it
needs courage.
Finally you said something with sensitivity. Crying never helped me. It
hurts. It is not a cleansing experience for me. It is a time when my agony
is intensified. Afterwards, I feel just as bad. Maybe you are listening. I
don't know, Michael. Please no reminders of how you have been here for four
years or the classic, "If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here." That is not
how to make a person feel special. It makes me feel "tolerated". It's the
worse thing you :ould say to anyone you give the least damn about.
"I am always here. Always listening. Always wanting to understand.
Sometimes I wish I was one of these fishing types who didn't give a fuck."
3
000896
""Sometimes your responses sound like that fisherman.""
"Because sometimes i am, even if I couldn't catch a fish in the rozen
seafood section at Safeway."
That's strange. Above, you assured me you are not. Now you are?
is it? I know the answer.
Which
""But you keep going on about the room where the ransom note was
written.""
"No, just asking. wanting to listen, this irresistible desire to
understand."
This is about the speculation. I know that I have contradicted something
and you can't get that theory you have heard out of your head. Strangely,
you will not tell me what the theory was. You know what? I don't care.
""Does my information contradict the speculation?""
"Absolutely."
But not a word of what that speculation was.
""Would you allow speculation to overrule what Daxis tells you?"" "No"
Thank you.
"The other thing that is causing pressure is the fact that ALL ninges
on you, Michael.
"No, all hinges on you. I am, as i said to you before, a vehicle through
which you can express yourself."
You sure don't make me feel like all hinges on me. I don't feel at all
valuable. If all hinged on me, wouldn't it be you pleading with me to talk?
Instead, I am the one doing that. It makes me feel like a total fool and
it's going to stop tonight.
"Daxis, please, after 4+ years, god knows how many emails, do I REALLY
seem like a waiverer."
We shall see. One bad sign is the new way you are dealing with my mails.
""Something doesn't want the call to happen."" "Tp be
boringly repetitive: I'll call Saturday."
You didn't have to be boringly repetitive. We'll see about the call.
•
•
•
"Knickers". Prior to that, I was just pouring out my heart as I
have been doing for all these years.
"Daxis, I still don't understand this, What was it that i said about
knickers that so ticked you off?"
4
000897
Michael
"Knickers" was the title of my July 9th mail to you. It was
the letter that I responded to expressing that I was disheartened at your
response.
•
•
•
•
•
I really don't think anyone gives a damn about what I am writing
over here. what does it matter how I talk about all these pages
lying on the ground. It isn't a book and it never will be because
I'm not perfect. The chapter is gone. It was reduced to two
paragraphs in "The Parents' Room". I have gotten so self
conscious
•
•
about my writings that I feel that every step I
mistake. Anyway, the commercial interruption is
what
•
does it matter...
"But you never explained what it was."
What ARE you talking about? I explained that I wrote a short chapter about
the ransom note that inappropriately interrupted the flow of the book. In
that paragraph above, I wrote "It was reduced to two
paragraphs in "The Parents' Room". It = the once chapter "Not a King's
Ransom". So thoroughly explained.
• Well now you don't have to worry about whether you understood or
• not. The chapter is gone. Oh, I did shelve it away. I never throw
• anything away.
"Good. So when you are ready, you can share it."
it is not in the book anymore. Why would you read it?
•
I am still saying I was in the parents' room where I composed that
•
•
damned note. I was also asking you why would I spend time in
JonBenet's room AS WELL???
"Well, that's obvious: what other room on the planet would you prefer
to be in?"
But Michael, we were addressing the issue of TIME. I repeat, "Why would I
spend time in JonBenet's room AS WELL???" TIME Michael. You asked why would
I -risk spending time in the parents' room. This was my clear response.
"No one, besides our good selves, knows where the note was
written."
Thank you but I don't know what the big secret is about why you made
such a big to do about the location I divulged. I told you that on our
very first phone call.
take is some big no longer and
5
000898
• Let me rephrase the above "Why would I spend any amount of
•
time in ANY room prior to their arrival? Why would I spend time
• upstairs at all? JonBenet's room was also not in a position that
would readily allow me to hear an approaching car." Michael, I
• spent time in JonBenet's room prior to their arrival. That is
when
•
•
I took the knickers from her drawer. It is also when I did
something else that you will read about in the book. My point
was,
•
•
why all the big to do about being in the Ramseys' bedroom? What
made it riskier than JonBenet's room?
"Nothing"
K... Notice the "0" is missing for the sake of brevity.
•
•
And that is why I mentioned
JonBenet's room in the midst of this discussion.
"I don't understand - not, I accept, an unusual condition." What
does this sentence mean?
•
There is a paragraph in the book but even now, I am so selfconscious
about it, I think I must take it out.
"Please don't."
I have not and will not since you made that request.
•
•
Look at the damage
the first note caused.
"Damage is an interesting word in the context. The main damage to be
blunt was to Patsy. From another perspective it was a brilliant
distraction."
And that was what I was referring to as damage....
• What damage will a second note cause? When
• • you have been burned, you don't stick your hand back into that
same
•
fire. >
"Let me ask you this: how were you burned by the note. In many gays,
for you it was a firewall."
Do you think I like the fact that her mother was linked to a note that I
wrote? No matter how well that fact protected me, it was not
6
000899
my intent and it burned.
•
A note from the real Daxis would have been heartfelt and I don't really
expound on that in the small paragraph in the book.
• Actually, the more we talk about this, the more I am convinced
that
• I must shelve the entire section of "The Parents' Room" and >
rewrite
•
>
it.
"I look forward to reading it."
You look forward to reading what? The note that could have been or the
shelved chapter "The Parents' Room"? That's two different things.
"I make sure that no one can hear me."
And that no one records it?
• No, I am not willing to reveal myself. However, what is to stop my
• family from stepping forth to reveal me? We parted on bad terms.
• During the investigation, one or two of them defended me.
"That's the 12 year old right?"
What does that mean, Michael? You don't even make your sentences long
enough anymore to make sense. I don't appreciate it.
""I must tell you that I hope it is not for the sake of my children and
those in my family who still love me, if any still do.""
"This is profound. Why are you willing to take the chance. My own sense
is that the psychological and emotional pressure of keeping it
inside is simply too great."
You have asked me this before and I have done the best to respond to it. I
made a decision to share it and I will stick to that, no matter what. It IS
hard to live a double life. But I do this in so many other cases. I lust
for a little five year old at school but no one knows. That's the one I
have written about but won't send to you. I had an unreal experience with
her today. I wanted so bad to tell you but your responses just really are
amazing after all I have shared with you.
"Being believed is essential to who you are."
Now remember this statement. It will be contradicted, coming up.
"Why do you think that being believed is way more important to you :han
being hated?"
And voila. You answered your own question. This is me being like you. It
sure is easier to say very little than it is to put forth all the intense
energy I have in my past mails.
7
000900
""You know you could be more verbose if you wanted to.""
"Verbosity sometimes, and ironically, fails me."
Why didn't you just say "I really don't give a damn." It would have
expressed the same thing as what you DID say.
"Right now I have no idea where John "is," other than to feel that hi is
in the midst of a gigantic nightmare and agony. Don't you feel it?"
No. How can I? I am kept from John Ramsey as if there is a restraining
order. That is the first thing you have mentioned about him since
Patricia's death and that came after I went on and on about it
"He was sparse with language. I also wrote the biography of his brother and
once got immensely drunk with him in his hotel room in,
of all places, Leicester."
He must have been your hero. Strange that you can write entire books but
you insist that it is so difficult to answer one of my emails.
•
•
•
•
I also don't appreciate
sparseness especially to such in depth mails as I write. It might
be appropriate if I was also sparse. Let me ask you something.
Would you like it if I was sparse with language?
"No, but then you have a more important and detailed story to tell."
I do at that. You once made me believe you thought what I said meant
something but I really don't believe that anymore.
•
•
•
We would get
nowhere. What if I was sparse in language when I write this book?
And oh yes, I will keep some secrets but sparse? Never.
"So don't be sparse."
That was kind. Michael, you like fighting, don't you? I don't. I don't have
time for it. This thing that I am writing now has nothing to do with issue
at hand. It is all about responding to your negative comments. It is such a
true waste of time whereas your response to my intense letter should NOT be
considered a waste of time.
•
•
•
You made quite the deal out of it and just kept making quite the
deal out of it. It was very much like punishment to me. It was
horrible.
No comment on that one. That makes me feel really special.
•
•
•
together in agony. we are linked eternally through our intense
love.
8
000901
"The let's finish the book. Thats me being sparse again. Sorry"
And insensitive. You love doing this. I hate it. It's damaging, 'ichael. I
have to be in the perfect state of mind to share this story with you on
Saturday and this is totally destroying that. Do you care? Maybe someday
you will look back and say, "I once knew the person who took the life of
JonBenet Ramsey but, number one, I felt like shit and so I didn't want to
respond appropriately to his mails and number two, I had to be all
sensitive and shit to make him feel comfortable. Oh well, I'm sure another
sitiation like that will come along any day now." It hurts to think about
something like that but it's happening. You have an unbelievably important
call with me on Saturday and this is how you prep me? Why, Michael? I feel
like shit too but I am not going to let it come in the way of the task at
hand.
""I feel like everything I say is "No it isn't."
Thanks.
wrong.""
•
•
•
Maybe you are right that her mother wouldn't have given a damn
whether I was in a pool of blood in her daughter's bed. You still
emphasize Patsy's ordeal of being blamed.
"to be honest, yes I do."
Jesus, Michael. So you really don't think Patsy would have given a damn
about me lying there dead beside her daughter? That was ucking cold and
insensitive. Michael, that mother lost her child which supercedes the
accusation. You overemphasize the blame. I know how important it is but
you don't have to just ignore everything else in its name.
• There was more at play on
• that night and in its aftermath. 7
"What does this mean?"
God Almighty! A child died. That is more than anything else.
Coming up next, you quote a very important paragraph and then just totally
ignore it. How could you do that if you are so interested in me? I don't
believe you are. Reread this paragraph and tell me what about it is so
trivial that you would just ignore it?
• If you could have asked Patsy, on
• retrospect, what has been the most difficult about this, I am
• certain she would have responded - "losing my daughter was the
• hardest part." Being accused was hard but she was strong and
could
•
•
defend herself and she had confidence in herself. But it was the
loss of that child that was the most difficult. John is still
alive
•
•
and could confirm this with his own feelings. "You can accuse me,
you can take my wealth, but nothing will pain me more than the
9
000902
•
loss
of my little girl." And that is the voice of every genuine parent who
loves their child above themselves. That last statement
speaks
•
•
•
volumes about how I feel about this entire matter. it would have
been the underlying theme for that relationship that I tried to
have with JonBenet's mother prior to her death.
•
•
""I once told you that you might not feel JonBenet's presence at
755 but I never said you might not feel my presence.""
• • "Interesting, but ultimately no way of knowing"
• • ""In other words, you are discounting my statement."" "Daxis, please,
NO."
Thank you but I'm still unconvinced. Might you elaborate?
•
•
I have great difficulty hearing you on the phone. I can scarcely
hear a single word. The connection is really bad as I knew it
would
be.
"I will speak louder if that will help." I
don't think speaking louder
•
•
will help.
You made no comment of how you know anything about Patricia.
Michael, you never convey actual words that John Ramsey says to
you
• with the exception of that one message that he dictated. You said
• you talked with him about me at the funeral but I heard nothing
of
•
his actual response to you.
"John would very much like to know more about you. Our
conversations
were very limited."
That's it? Then why did you tell me he said he wanted to talk to me so bad?
I might want to know more about some NOBODY. I am getting the impression
that he does not believe that I killed his daughter. Of course, I have
thought that all along. I also think Patricia lade that comment to her
attorney. John wants to know more about me
Wow. That is the same as
saying, he seems interesting but not worth much of my time. well fuck it
all, Goddamn it.
10
000903
• Again, I will say, I have no proof that
• she knew I was sorry. I asked you HOW you knew and you did not
• comment.
"Because she read your mails."
Micheal, I know that.
•
•
•
While we are on the subject, I wrote a small message to
him while you were away at Patricia's funeral to be handed to him
in person. What did you do with that mail that contained a
personal
•
message to John? You never told me. No comment. "The
timing was not right. I will get it to him."
Wow. Ok. What does it matter anyway? That man doesn't believe me nor
does he care what I have to say.
• I fully wrote Part one of the book which is entitled "Daxis" and
• this is all the information I am willing to give about myself.
• Therefore, you DO know about me. I wrote my life story from
• childhood to teen to adult to my career to my idealogies on
lov• ing
•
little girls. I know you will not come to me for a personal interview.
"How do you know that?"
Well, I said more on that coming up.
•
•
I'll never meet you, Michael. I'll never meet John
Ramsey. Not because I did not offer but because I know the
future.
•
Was I not right about Patricia? I told you I would never be allowed
•
to connect with her and I was not.
This is where you again broke into the middle of the paragraph and tossed
in an answer. The remainder of the paragraph explained why I doubt that you
will ever make any arrangements to meet me.
•
•
•
Sounds like you are now blaming me for something. It was you who
caused me to pause. Recall that I was trying to finish the story
that day and you stopped me.
"Daxis, that was not my recollection. I simply said that it seemed to
me that you needed 9 break, and that we would continue in our next
11
000904
conversation. You repeatedly said that you were finding it
difficult
to continue."
''.ou stopped me. On retrospect, I am glad you did. You actually made .ne
feel very uncomfortable at the end. It was not possible for me to function
anymore. We're approaching that again for Saturday. In other words, this
mail is not setting me up to function on Saturday.
• I think that is the theme, you NEVER say a lot of things that you
• SHOULD say. Instead, you ONLY wrote that I should send ALL of my
• written accounts of those horrific events.
"Nope. See above."
Yep, that is exactly how you conveyed it. Do you think I care to spar with
you? Our time to publish this book is running out. Thank God, I write it
every day. But this mail is taking time away from that. And this mail
isn't worth a damn.
• "This on I'm going to have to read many times. However, I must
• admit
• that the only explanation that makes sense about the knickers is
• • yours. nothing else comes close."
•
•
•
Thank you, Michael. However, how could any other explanation make
more sense than MY description if indeed you believe that I took
JonBenet's life on the night of December 25th, 1996? >
that one had a question mark after it as if it wanted a response. Of
course it didn't quite make the grade.
•
•
•
I know one thing I do not care about - I do not seek fame as I am
making every effort to remain anonymous. No one will approach me
for an autograph. No one will recognize me in public when they
see
•
•
me. I wish to remain faceless. I need closure though I will never
have it completely. I suppose I need validation though I know
what
•
is true in my heart. I wish to reclaim what is mine - JonBenet. It
•
•
needs to be acknowledged that I belong with her - my name, Daxis,
alongside her name, JonBenet - forever.
"That's what the book is about."
And it will be published if I have to find the publisher myself.
• I appreciate that you said that; however, I do not think you are
• the only person who understands I loved JonBenet. JonBenet's
fa• ther
12
000905
• seems to understand that I loved his daughter. He further said that
• he appreciated my love for JonBenet. Not only does he know that I
• loved her but he also appreciates it.
"Point well taken."
Thank you.
• I will never know how
• Patricia felt but I know from his message, that John realized my
• love was intense for his child. He did not use the term
• "connection". He used the term "love". I am so proud of that one
• single statement from her father. It touched me beyond all
things.
• For the father of a living child to say such a thing has always
• meant a lot to me and is rare. But for JonBenet's father, whose
• daughter is dead because of me, to express appreciation for my
7
love
• for his little girl, is beyond this world.
No comment on this. I wish you wouldn't do this
• Soon enough, I will go over the events of that night. I am sure it
• will deviate from the theories and the Smit findings. I simply
• don't care if it does. I did things my way that night. I took no
• instruction. It wasn't planned. It happened. And after you hear
my
• a pen seemed to cause a stir within you. Then what will my
• elaborate description or lack thereof evoke in you? I have given
• this much thought and have concluded that I am weary with
rerunning
• the horrible events of that night through my head after horrid
• mental trauma and ten long years. I shall release what I am >
willing
• to release and that has to be enough. Whatever happens, surely you
• know one thing to be true: I loved JonBenet Ramsey and shared
• passionate moments with her.
"That I understand. I
will talk
with you on Saturday."
13
000906
• descriptions, maybe much will change of
between us. A mere mention
You're going to have to make me feel more comfortable than this mail made
me feel if you want the full effect of what I have to say on Saturday. Of
course, I could just started spitting it out after
,ou say "Roll 'em". That's film talk. As I said, I know how to deliver
but I was hoping to pour out my heart to you in my verbal account. You
have to ask yourself a simple question: "What kind of person would Daxis
dare divulge such intimate secrets with? Would that listener be sensitive,
thoughtful, caring and understanding? OR Will he share this with just
anyone? The answer to that last question is, absolutely not. I'm not
teasing you but I do have to feel that I am talking to someone who cares.
Even if you will sit there and not say one word, I will feel the vibes.
If this call ever happens which seems doomed to me, it will take at least
two hours. I don't think you should be on the phone with me for that amount
time. You were exhausted last time, you told me. I am ready if you will
just stop with these kinds of responses. I do think it is a total pity that
you are not seeing my wonderful mails anymore. You might not think they
were but you just might miss them when they stop coming. I think you take
my mails for granted. In the letter I refuse to send to you, I have written
so much about a little girl I met yesterday. And after tomorrow, I may
never see her again. I think she's falling in love with me. I know I am
with her, but you are not going to see all the wonderful words I have
written about her because you're too busy writing responses that are
antagonistic and so much more important to you, obviously. Yes, I know this
mail will piss you off but it is time that I speak up. You're so close,
Michael. Soon, you'll never have to speak to me again and won't you be
happy about that? But I ask for just a few weeks more of some semblence of
sensitivity and concern. My mails have stopped. You just THINK this was a
response but it was not. It was me just dealing with your responses. I
don't why you are doing
his at this point in the relationship but you must have a reason. .4aybe
Saturday will be the last of it if that day comes.
Please try to call in the morning as I have requested over and over.
All of your calls are made just before lunch and at that time, it is
extremely late here and I am so exhausted before we even start.
I'm disappointed. I'm depressed. I'm confused, especially about John Ramsey
in light of what you wrote in this mail. Sometimes I think I know what is
going on while at other times, I don't have a clue. It's the way I felt
when I read Wood's comment about Patsy in the King transcript. He said that
she said she hoped those Boulder investigators catch JonBenet's killer and
this was AFTER she had read my mails. Now if she was so convinced that I
was the one, why would she say that to him? Why would he lie? I don't think
he would. The Ramseys loved him so much that he was a pallbearer at her
funeral. When I read her comment to him, I thought to myself: "Has this all
just been some dream? Could it be that Patsy Ramsey never read my mails and
if she did, never did she even consider the possibility that I took her
daughter's life? It hurts. A lot of things hurt. Your new approach to
dealing with me, hurts. But life has hurt to me for as long as I can
recall.
Daxis
14
000907
Bennett, Tom
prom:
jent:
To:
Friday, July 14, 2006 11:08 AM
Being nice seems to have worked. There is one detail
that I need to understand because at some point I'm
going to ask him. He implied in a previous mail that
while he used the note pad from the house, the pen he
used to write the note was something he brought into
the house. Is it absolutely clear that it was a
sharpie that was found in the house that wrote the
note ie. it's been established through chemical
analysis of the ink. My gut tells me that he is
telling the truth, which means quite possibly that he
left it behind deliberately. Lou also tells me that
there was a woman at the funeral home wearing some
kind of lapel broach with the word "Paris." The reason
I raise this is that I keep going back to the fact
that he introduced the idea that a "female," was
involved and that she may have left the house after
him. The reason why that seems relevant is that he
insists that he didn't stun gun JonBenet. He now
claims that the "female," was an alter, suggesting
multiple personality. Douglas, however, argues that
people with multiple personality disorder - which may
or may not be what Daxis is implying - are not
violent. Note by the way that in this mail that for
the first time he actually uses the name of a girl
he's attracted to in his new school with the exception
of JonBenet he's never done that before. m
Michael,
'I wasn't being consciously difficult or flip or
wanting to create the impression that I didn't care
about you and the extraordinary story you have been
so brave in telling me, when you have shared it with
no one else."
Thank you, Michael. I didn't know you recognized all
the things you just said about me. And it is true
that I have shared my story of JonBenet with no one
to the extent that I have shared with you.
Saturday's call will reveal it all.
"I have tried to explain to you how tired I
have been. I also think that subconsciously I
have been more worried about these headaches
than I have been willing to admit to myself."
Michael, go to a physician and get it taken care of
immediately. I am concerned about your health but
you do know that you might feel bad for months.
Though I am worried about you, you must not waiver
when it comes to this issue. I am the type of person
who totally drops out of the picture. I have done
this with you in the past for over a year at a time.
I have done it in my real life outside of email for
years. I don't want to be tempted to vanish but it
is my nature when things seem impossible. That would
be a tragedy considering the intense importance of
this book.
"And there is no doubt that on reflection Patsy's
death had a terrible effect on me. I really loved
and admired that woman, as I know you did, and
seeing her there in the casket was heartbreaking."
Lou are so lucky, Michael. I would have given
anything in this world to have seen her in her
casket. I would have kissed her. Michael, what if
you had wanted to interview her and got really close
but lost that chance because she died? That never
happened to
1
000908
you because you got that interview. In my case, I never got the chance to
connect with her and give her all the things I wanted to give her. And I
will never get that chance now that she is gone. I know that you loved her
but you got that interview that you so
'anted. You made a connection that I will never make. You have a sense of
completion while my situation is one of total loss and disconnect, not just
for the moment but forever. When you grieve for JonBenet's mother, think of
me and how much more grief I must bear. I took her daughter's life and
never had the chance to apologize and have it accepted. I was never allowed
to love her; to comfort her; to reveal all things unto her; to bond with
her and to hold her in my arms as we both cried for our lost child. when
you grieve for Patricia, think of your accomplishment and then, of my
failure and then you will know that your grief could be even more intense,
as is mine. You have so much to be thankful for. But I do understand the
intensity of your grief. The book, Michael - do this for Patsy if you loved
her.
"I think there are also moments in my life when I feel worthless, a
failure, and recently that mood has been prevalent. Perhaps I am worthless
and a failure."
Michael, you have so much going for you. You are a professor in one of the
most beautiful places on earth. I have been around the world twice and in
the Southern hemisphere twice. I wasn't just visiting but have lived in
these places and I am here to tell you that I would give anything to be in
a place as sweet as Boulder and the United States. I have seen you speak to
Larry King. I saw a spectacular interview that you conducted with the
Ramseys. You have made documentaries and have authored books. I would give
anything to have attended Exeter. And finally, you are the only person in
the world who is talking to the person who took a little girl's
ife whose death has been a mystery for ten years, and you have his
respect.
"So, I am saying to you that I apologize..."
I won't quote such a powerful apology but want you to know that I accept
it and wish you could stay like this from now on. Please?
"I also realize how important the book is to both of us, but in
particular to you."
I thank you for your acknowledgement of the importance of this book. I must
tell you that I have so many concerns about this book. I want it so bad
but, at times, I want run for my life. A cautious inner voice has told me
from the beginning that I should never allow this book to be published.
That same voice keeps warning me that I am making a huge mistake and am
driving myself into my very grave by talking. That same voice keeps telling
me to just stop talking right now and I will be protected. But as you say,
it is so important to me. Rather than have a book about my life, I would
much rather give JonBenet's little life back to her, with all that is my
heart. I live my life in total obscurity now and will for the rest of my
life. I am resigned to it - damned with this fate that will forever be. You
just don't know how close I have come to walking away from all this - the
book, all the talking and the possible connection with her father though I
don't think he cares. I pray that you do not return to the ways of the past
few days or I can assure you, I WILL walk away. I won't do it for revenge.
I will do it because I am so close to that point at all times. I am trying
o convey to you that this is a delicate matter and you must handle It
delicately or you will drop it and it will shatter into pieces.
"I know how much you want people to understand your deep feelings for
JonBenet, of how much you wanted the Ramseys to understand that
2
000909
you had no intent to hurt their daughter, that you loved JonBenet and
that everything that happened was not what you intended and certainly not
as most people came to see it, that is, a mother turned killer."
chat was well said Michael and I deserve that type of response from you
always. I do want people to understand how much I loved JonBenet but,
honestly, I do not believe a single person will understand. I don't think
anything I say will be believed, for one. I think that no matter how
perfectly I convey my love for JonBenet, the world will allow her death to
supercede my intense emotions. In other words, they will say, "If Daxis
loved JonBenet, he wouldn't have done what he did to her - he didn't have
to kill her."
I WANTED the Ramseys to understand but the Ramseys no longer exist. There
is only John now and he never was keen on talking to me. He was against
Patricia talking to me and was even against her reading my letters which
are nothing compared to what you are going to hear on Saturday. I recalled
today that John Ramsey said, "I don't know you but I am praying for you." I
wonder what that meant? It could mean he cares about me and so prays for
me. If that is the case, how precious that he could say such a thing to me.
It could also mean he is praying for what he thinks is my damned soul. I
have no idea. At this point, I would accept the latter just to know that he
believes it was I who took the life of his child. I am sorry Michael but I
have no faith left concerning a connection with that father. It really
hurts but I expected it. You do realize that if this book comes out and her
father says he doesn't believe in me, it will be a major blow. It's going
to happen if it is not sorted out beforehand. of course, that is not why I
want to talk to him. I have something to say to him. Michael, I wish you
would have already sent my response to his message from the night before
Patricia died. I asked you to hand that to him personally. Don't
ou think he wonders why I never responded to his one and only
.nessage to him? You must tell him that you have held on to it for all
these weeks. I just need a way to contact him myself.
And yes, I want to exonerate JonBenet's mother. That was small in light of
what I had planned for her had we met. And had she lived, I am confident
that she would have said in a few years, "Daxis took my part in a way
unimaginable when he accepted the responsibility for my daughter's death
but it cannot compare to what I have experienced through my forgiveness of
him and through the many gifts of healing he has delivered." I apologize
for writing that...
"I've been thinking a lot about how important it is that I help you finish
the book. Publishing these days, as i think I've mentioned before, is a
difficult and laborious process but there is no doubt in my mind, zero,
that there is huge audience for what you have to say."
I am concerned first for the reason that I think you will not find a
publisher and secondly due the fact that this is such a delicate matter
to even show to a potential publisher. How can know that some publisher
won't run this story to a tabloid for a quick $100,000 or report it to
law enforcement?
"That is also why I await with great interest and anticipation to read
the new sections that you have been working on."
Let me explain what is going on. I have been writing daily. I am not
finished with all sections of Part Two and would like to be
rior to mailing it. Also, I am waiting on the call on Saturday prior
to sending the written account of what I will share with you. You will get
it possibly next week or in two weeks.
"In this vein, I hope we can somehow work out a way to meet. I 3
000910
think that this would be a profound experience for both of us."
That would be nice though I am nervous about it. I fear set ups. I am
sorry but I am still afraid of anyone who knows my true story. ly fear
makes me imagine that you and I are talking and then suddenly, law
enforcement descends on me while you say to me, "Daxis, it is time for
you to pay for this crime. I am doing this for Patsy." Thoughts like that
scare the hell out of me. I am once again a second grade teacher in a
nice school. I have built a little life for myself. I don't want to lose
everything again.
"I have a proposal in for financial support for travel, to update my last
book about the condition of broadcasting around the world. I'm fairly
optimistic that i will get the grant, but not totally certain. I think what
i will do if I do get the grant is buy a round the world ticket, which is
what i have done on a number of occasions. As long as you keep moving in
more or less one direction, it's very economical and allows for numerous
stopovers. I'm thinking that what I will do is revisit places where i
conducted interviews almost exactly a decade ago. Perhaps this is one way
we might get together."
I appreciate that you are applying for a grant on my behalf. I wonder what
would happen if you just told them the truth? I appreciate any effort you
have gone to on my behalf - for a meeting with me. I won't let you down but
it will scare the hell out of me.
"Another issue that I've been thinking a lot about today is the sheer
intensity of your honesty about your attraction to young girls, and the
brilliance with which in some of your mails you have dissected the
inconsistencies and contradictions of contemporary and conventional
attitudes to human sexuality. It has really made me think and I think it
could be an important element in the book."
Thank you for finally recognizing that. I have wanted for years to write a
book just about my sexual attraction to little girls. The sad thing about
the DAXIS book is that, no matter how well I explain that attraction, I
will have fallen into the "monster" category because of JonBenet's death
which will play right into the hands of the pedophobics. There was a huge
debate in Holland a few years ago to lower the legal age of consent for
girls into the single digit ages. The debate went on for awhile until a man
was caught in Beligium for keeping little girls hidden in his house and
starving them to death. In other words, I might brilliantly describe the
attraction and might even make a dent in the wall that society has built
around my sexuality but the fact that JonBenet died will place me in the
monster category and will probably do more harm than good in the fight to
make the world understand this sexuality. You mentioned the intensity and
brilliance of things I have said in my mails but what of the things I wrote
in the book about the matter? I will tell you that this issue is very
important to me and is one of the most important purposes of the book.
"So, Daxis, I hope we can get back to our previously good and
positive relationship"
We have returned to that positive relationship but please, maintain your
side of it so you won't lose me. I am hanging on to this by my fingernails.
In other words, if things get too difficult, this already awesome
responsibility might be just more than I can bear. This is not a threat it is warning. I know how I work. I am a professional escape artist. I have
been running for years on all
evels. Actually, I think it is YOU I must worry who will drop This.
After all, I have been the one who has diligently worked on the book even
when Patricia was lying in state. I have never waivered so maybe the
concern should not be that I will walk away but that you will walk away.
4
000911
"And obviously, I hope you are finding happiness in your new
teaching position."
thank you. I have been preparing my quite large classroom and it is
overwhelming. I must go back next week for probably the entire week to
continue decorating the walls. It is taking forever. School starts in one
month. I want to share with you about a little girl I met named but I
will do this later when you are not already getting a long mail from me.
She was there for summer classes. I was with her for only two days. I went
to lunch today only to find that she went home early. I won't see her again
for a month if that. She was interesting and I have interesting things to
tell you about her.
"Michael"
That was the first time you have written your name I believe ever. Thanks.
Let me prepare you a bit for the call on Saturday. First, please try to
call in the morning prior to 10 AM. I will wait as long as it takes but I
need to be fully awake and not exhausted when you call. The description
will be unpleasant. It might change your perception of me. There are
several moments that I am worried you might find very offensive. Nothing I
say should convey to you that I did not love her. There are some things I
refuse to share. I might still be vague on certain issues but mostly, the
account is very detailed as you requested when Patricia died, stating how
important this was for the book and to convince the world that I am
JonBenet's Daxis. I pray that I have recalled with perfect precision, all
the details of that night. It will take up to two hours to convey all the
events all the way up to me walking away .rom her house. I have promised
myself that I must be strong and refrain from crying but I cannot promise
you I won't. I am determined to tell the whole story without cease. I will
need a break but we must resume unlike we did last time after a break. I am
nervous about the call but mostly just want to get it over with. Be
prepared to listen. Yes, this is what you read in the mails - those mails
that her mother read; however, this is a decription in graphic detail with
information her mother will never know now that she is gone. I will await
your call on Saturday. I need to face this finally, after ten years.
Daxis
5
000912
Bennett, Tom
prom:
.ent:
To:
Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@coiorado.eduj
this came in first
Michael,
Thank you so much for your letter. I really appreciate it. I feel much
better now. I must go to school to work on my classroom now but will return
on your tomorrow morning and write back to you. And after this mail, I
assure you, we are on good and positive terms. Please stay as you are today
and don't change. I appreciated everything you wrote in your letter. I will
respond to it in full when I return home. I am a bit sad today because I
will see my little for possibly the last time. Our short little
relationship has been so sweet and interesting. Thank you for your mail. I
am willing to talk to you on Saturday about my little girl, JonBenet.
Daxis
1
000913
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey (MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu]
ient: Monday, July 17, 2006 12:42 PM
To:
Subject:
my note to him last night
Daxis, I have spent the past 30 plus hours thinking about the enormity of
everything you told me. I'm trying to absorb, think, reflect. I took my
dogs on a long walk, which is what I tend to do when I'm super absorbed. I
had in fact thought that I wouldn't reply until tomorrow at any length. And
I will. I wanted to send this short note, tonight my time, just to reassure
you that I am here and not going away. I am sorry, truly sorry, for your
agony. I am also in awe of the courage that it took by you to lay out in
such detail what happened. I will write at greater length tomorrow, ie.
Monday my time. Also, when you have the new number let me know, and we can
arrange a new time to speak.
Michael
On Jul 16, 2006, at 9:03 AM, Daxis wrote:
•
•
•
Daxis, thank you so much for this, and for the other mail which
arrived today. I am glad we were able to get through a somewhat
difficult moment. I am looking forward to talking to you tomorrow.
•
Actually, looking forward is probably not the most appropriate
•
phrase. It is however i understand part of the process we are in,
•
working towards the completion of the narrative, the book. I will ~>
listen to whatever it is you feel able to share. This is something
> which is totally within your gift: you can tell me as much or as
•
little as you feel comfortable with.
>
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
That was the most difficult thing I have ever had to express in
words. Do you realize what an ordeal that was for me? I have not
felt that much pain since the night I lost her. It was agonizing. I
shared with you the deepest secret in my life. I shared with you
the most intimate words shared between my sweetest little lover and
me. Do you realize the utter importance of all that? Do you realize
how much courage it took for me to lay bare all me secrets and
allow you to see how much it is killing me each day? Ever since I
have shared my most guarded secret, I have felt completely alone,
hopeless, and overwhelmingly depressed. "Sometimes when you win,
you lose."
• Daxis
a
1
000914
Bennett, Tom
Prom: Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
;ent: Monday, July 17, 2006 12:57 PM
To:
Subject:
today's missive
Note his final sentence. There is no way John could be
put through that - you'll know what I mean when you
hear the tape from Saturday. Parts of it are just
horrible. This guy clearly wants John to suffer.
Perhaps it should be made clear to Daxis that if John
is to talk it has to be about his, Daxis', feelings
for JonBenet and nothing more, and perhaps John can
get out of him the one thing that I've failed to do:
when did Daxis first come into contact with JonBenet.
He's hinted that it was in school, in some kind of
teaching/training position or through the pageants.
The other thing is, of course, that if he is to be
believed there is now a little girl called
w
ho is in serious danger. m
Michael,
Thank you for your note. I wept when I read it. I
believe my reaction was so strong because I finally
realized how important it was that I tell you what
happened on that night. I am pleased that I finally
expressed those events. I tried so hard not to cry
but I have no regrets for crying. I hurt so bad for
my little girl. That was the first time I have ever
expressed the events of that night. It was a
relief. It was a confession. It was a revelation of
how I loved her and how I worshipped her. I loved
that child so much, Michael.
i said that I was so glad her mother never heard
what I expressed to you but I so wish I could have
expressed exactly to her mother what I expressed to
you. All that matters is that I loved JonBenet and
I was her closest.
Thank you for listening to me and for acknowledging
my courage for sharing. I am not sure where my
courage came from but I do know that I can never go
through that extent of sharing again. The whole
account is written and has been for weeks. I have
read it again and again and still feel it does not
do justice to the reality of the events of that
night.
I am pleased that you received my account with such
depth and sincerity. It requires much reflection
prior to a reaction as you expressed in your long
walks with you dogs. Just remember, in the midst of
your reflections, that I loved JonBenet Ramsey and
wanted her beyond any expression.
I am glad you decided to send this note to express
that you are still here for me. It was a
reassurance that I needed. I could not quite
decipher how you felt at the end of the
conversation but was quite certain that you were
possibly a bit in shock. I will await your reponse
today.
I loved her so much, Michael. I still feel her
presence as my lover as if she's sitting in my lap
still and and am stroking her lovely hair. She was
everything lovely and perfect to me.
The number you have called all along should now be
no longer in existence. I have a new number waiting
and will give this number to you when you decide to
call me again. I only wish our phone connection was
better. I hope you heard all my words during my
intimate account of that special night in 1996. I
do welcome
I
000915
another call from you very soon. Thank you for being there for me, Michael.
It means the world to me. I think JonBenet's father needs to know of the
account of my time spent with his daughter soon.
axis
2
000916
From:
sent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey©colorado.edu]
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Daxis, thank you so much for this, and for the other mail which
arrived today. I am glad we were able to get through a somewhat
difficult moment. I am looking forward to talking to you tomorrow.
Actually, looking forward is probably not the most appropriate
phrase. It is however i understand part of the process we are in,
working towards the completion of the narrative, the book. I will
listen to whatever it is you feel able to share. This is something
which is totally within your gift: you can tell me as much or as
little as you feel comfortable with.
That was the most difficult thing I have ever had to express in words. Do
you realize what an ordeal that was for me? I have not felt that much pain
since the night I lost her. It was agonizing. I shared with you the
deepest secret in my life. I shared with you the most intimate words
shared between my sweetest little lover and me. Do you realize the utter
importance of all that? Do you realize how much courage it took for me to
lay bare all me secrets and allow you to see how much it is killing me
each day? Ever since I have shared my most guarded secret, I have felt
completely alone, hopeless, and overwhelmingly depressed. "Sometimes when
you win,
,ou lose."
Daxis
1
000917
prom:
.ent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.eduJ
Michael,
I archive every mail I have sent to you. I have lost my copy of
"Sometimes when you win, you lose". Can you please mail your copy of it?
Thank you.
I had thought you were going to respond at length to my account to you last
Saturday. I was a bit surprised to find that you had not done that in this
mail. Is there nothing past what you have said in these two short mails of
that phone call? I recall asking you this at the end of the call and you
had nothing to say at all then. Why not, Michael? I guess it doesn't
matter.
""Thank you for your note. I wept when I read it.""
"In some senses i'm sorry to hear that, but in another sense it's
probably a good and necessary thing. Tears can be healing, a kind of
profound therapy."
Tears cause me great pain. I will say that it was good to finally allow
myself to cry as I did when I told you about my last moments with JonBenet.
It has been many years since I have cried like that.
used to cry for her at her grave but I had to be reserved because .[ was
afraid someone might see me.
""I tried so hard not to cry but I have no regrets for crying.""
"Nor should you. what you were relating was truly profound and
tragic."
Thank you. I know it was not a delicate "breaking up". I needed to cry like
that. I felt so close to her while I wept. It was so intense. I cannot
describe the agony I felt. I needed to feel that agony. I needed to cry. I
have been holding that in for so long. Michael, that was the very first
time I have expressed those events. While I wrote them, it was difficult
but telling you was so much beyond writing it. I am so glad I decided to do
it that way. It was my idea and it was a good one.
""I loved that child so much, Michael.""
"I know, just as you do, that you have expressed your love for JonBenet
on countless occasions now. I understand though that you will always need
to do so, that really it is never going to go away. Nothing can change
that night and I can I can barely imagine the agony that this must
involve."
I feel loss. I feel guilt. I feel ashamed. I feel tremendous regret. I feel
anger at myself. I feel hopeless. Saying that I love her is mostly like
saying, "I lost my little girl. I just want you to know I am looking for
her." But it will never do any good. I lost her and will never have her
again.
"Do you mean that you would have wished to tell Patsy everything, every
detail, that you told me. You and I both know that that would have been
hard for both of you."
1
000918
I know it might not seem appropriate but, in a way, yes. Although, you
must recall that I said while crying that I am so glad she is not here to
hear all this. I really don't know. In a way, yes, I vish she could have
been sitting by your side listening to it all. She truth shall set you
free. Who knows what her mother wanted to know. She read and reread my
mails which pale so in comparison to what you experienced on the phone on
Saturday. She would not have read those mails so much had she not been
hungry for the truth. I think she longed to know how her child died. For
one, her child didn't suffer. I made sure of it to the bitter end. Her
little girl was never afraid.
"I have always told you that i am here to hear, to listen, to
provide you with the emotional space within which to express
yourself. I know you understand that."
I really appreciate that you listened to me for those two calls. Thank you
for allowing me to confess in a way I could never have imagined to ever do.
I am still surprised at myself. I am so glad I did it. I am so glad I got
to tell you about my little girl. I am so glad you know what her final
words were. Oh God, I need her so bad tonight. I wish I could just hold
her.
"Daxis, why don't you send me what you have written and let me react, let
me give you my sense of it. I really do want , need, to read what you have
written."
Michael, you have reacted very little to the verbal account. Why would you
react to the written account more? Although I am thankful you listen, I
really wish you were more responsive to me. I will do some final editing on
the written account and will send as soon as possible. Maybe in the
meantime, you might react a bit more to the
,erbal account. I guess there is nothing more to say.
""Just remember, in the midst of your reflections, that I loved
JonBenet Ramsey and wanted her beyond any expression.""
"I know how you felt about JonBenet. And yes my walks with my dogs are MY
kind of therapy. And it suddenly occurred to me on that walk that we are
rapidly approaching her birthday. A sweet sixteen she would
have been. I suspect that there will be tears that day."
Yes, it is a sad day and I have already been preparing myself for it. I
do think of the age she would have been but, to me, she is forever six.
There is no need to ponder over how she would have been at 16. That just
breaks my heart to even think of. I must focus on a little six year old
girl whom I loved dearly. She is forever six and never sweet sixteen. She
is forever six and with her Daxis.
"I was in a certain kind of shock. I was very moved, upset,
anxious, and so downed several very stiff vodkas."
I cannot imagine how the recipient of that conversation must have felt. I
know how I felt. I was totally drained. At the end of that call, I looked
for your consolation but found none at all. But I had deeper things on my
mind. I had just expressed my little girl's final moments. How could
anything else matter more than that?
"It was curiously, as I sat outside on the deck, looking at the stars,
watching the planes fly west a moment that was both deeply moving and
somehow unreal. I'm not sure how long I was out there."
A moving moment. I so wish I could be in Boulder. But I shall never see it
again. Can you imagine you and I returning to 755 together?
2
000919
"At 9000 ft it gets cold very quickly, even when during the day it is in
the 90s. But I was wrapped in a warm fur coat, and didn't notice. But I
was thinking about what I think you described as
-our lush environment where it is never cold."
I have about a twenty-five foot wall of solid glass running the length of
my classroom. Beautiful green plants are just outside the glass. It
overlooks a row of huge palm trees. I am in a tropical place. It is always
hot.
"Somehow, while I like warmth, I also cherish the chill of a Colorado
mountain night .... and having said that I realize that I'm sounding like
John Denver. Sorry."
Michael, stop that. You do not sound like John Denver. I think he was
very misunderstood anyway. I miss the coolness of the Alpine. And I like
it when you show a more sensitive side.
""I loved her so much, Michael. I still feel her presence as my lover
as if she's sitting in my lap still and I am stroking her lovely hair.
She was everything lovely and perfect to me.,"
"I know Daxis, I really DO know."
Thank you. She was perfect for me. We were so much alike. My sweet
JonBenet. I wish I could play with her right now and make her happy.
"Send me the number and I will call soon."
I am holding on to the old number because it keeps on living. It has now
rolled over for another 30 days. It's almost annoying
ecause I have another number prepared. You may call me at the same number
for the time being.
"At some point soon I know my Dean or, more likely the woman who does the
accounts, who used to work for the IRS, will be calling me or, since I kind
of scare them, emailing saying "what's with the Thailand calls," to which i
will reply: research. They will then go away. It's all tied up with petty
departmental politics and the last thing my Dean needs now is to piss me
off."
You "scare" people, Michael? Are you a force to be reckoned with? I'm like
that at times. You seem a bit unhappy with your job. I know that feeling.
By the way, I am still decorating my classroom. It is a bit of a drag but I
feel so lucky to be there, it is not so bad. I have the most beautiful
classroom. It is taking me so long because it is so large. They are giving
me a lot of space - as in space to do what I want to do. I feel like it is
MY classroom and it is. It has a large entrance hall that I decorated...
Then it opens into this large expanse that is glass on two walls. The view
of the palms is fantastic and directly meets you when you walk in through
the entrance hall. The plants all along the front are green and lively.
They've just refinished the solid hardwood floors. I love my new classroom
and hope nothing goes wrong. I think about JonBenet in that classroom.
She's with me. She knows where I am. I talk to her, quietly.
"I heard everything i think.. But, yes, from my end you were very clear."
'hat is all that mattered to me on Saturday. I don't think you had anything
to say to me anyway, if the end was any indicator. That call was always
just about me and my expression of sadness, regret, passion, and an undying
love for a little six year old girl named JonBenet.
3
000920
""I do welcome another call from you very soon.""
"Et moi aussi. So give me the new number. I'm thinking that I could :all
again on Saturday .- it's a good time because I can call from the School
and no one will be around."
Use the same number - the Mick Jagger network. I would love to get a call
on Saturday. Again, please call me before 10 AM. My problem is that I hear
basically nothing of what you say. Do know that I have nothing to add to my
account of that night. I know you wish to know of certain things - one you
mentioned. But I cannot say another thing about that. I don't want to say
another thing about it. Some things will just have to remain a secret.
Again, I am so relieved I shared it with you. I needed to do that so much.
It made me feel closer to JonBenet than I have since I used to be able to
visit her grave. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your faith in me.
Thank you for what you have said in response.
""Thank you for being there for me, Michael. It means the world to me. I
think JonBenet's father needs to know of the account of my time spent with
his daughter soon.",
"Do you mean the whole account as you have told me?"
I think so, Michael. I'm a little confused about just what I want. Maybe he
could not bear to listen to it. I don't think I could go through with what
I did with you, ever again. I don't know what to do about John knowing of
those events. All of what I said to you has been written and will be in the
book. I think he deserves to hear it first. I really need to talk to that
dad. Don't you think that's important? He sent a message to me and I
responded but he doesn't have that response yet, Michael. I think it's time
that you talk to him again. It's time for him to revisit the idea of
connecting with me. Now you know what happened that night in a way you did
not before. Maybe it is time that her father knows those truths that you
now hold after having heard it from my own mouth. Maybe it is time that you
tell John that Daxis revealed it all to you. Maybe you could tell him what
an impact it had on you. I know my sharing of it had a tremendous effect on
me. I pledge my undying love to his child and shall never forget that
expressed his appreciation for my love for her. Oh how I love her in ways I
cannot describe. It is so special to love a little girl.
Daxis
4
000921
About
by Daxis
Today, I went to my second grade classroom to prepare for the new year. Only a handful of
children were in the school for summer camp. I met my first little girl today. She was running
about the hallway and saw me. Her first reaction to me was a big smile and a shout,
"Monster!". I pretended to chase her a bit and she would run away and then return. She's five
years old. She is from South Africa. She is blonde and pretty. She is so hyper. I thought it
would end there but it did not.
I went to lunch and sat in the adult section. No other adults were around, thank God. And
then, my new little friend arrived with her class to eat. She saw me and started waving and
acting silly. There was a little girl sitting next to her. She would take her friend's head and turn
it around to look at me. We made silly faces at each other. She would put spoons on her head
to make horns. She was the silliest little girl.
I finally decided to go over and meet her and the other little girls. They were sitting at a tiny
little table with tiny chairs. I sat down and asked the little South African blonde what her name
was.
"My name is
," she said.
She is five. I asked her friend's name from America.
"My name
is~V
Their English was wonderful to listen to. So is the original silliest little girl from South Africa
who called me a monster. Her dark skinned little friend, ~, has lived her life abroad from the
U.S. to Scandanavia. Both are very pretty and talked nonstop. Two other little girls, one
named from Hong Kong and another named , sat below and tried to talk but did not have a
chance with those two going on. I did ask if I could have one of her pretty dimples. She
blushed. I told the girls to wait and went back to get my plate so that I could have lunch with
them at their tiny table, sitting on a tiny chair.
I asked
"Why do you think I'm a monster, sweetheart?"
She said, "When I first saw you, I knew you were a monster. You look like a monster. I was
scared of you. You scared me."
I replied, "Really? What did you think I would do to you, ~" My tone was more seductive
while hers was silly.
She then grabbed her side and said, "I thought you would grab me here and hurt me."
My eyes were gleaming with delight. Then
and
would pretend to take their
eyes out and feed them to me along with other parts of their bodies.
and
would then put little carrots on my plate for me to eat. I then looked at
and told
her she was a Princess. She loved it and asked later that I call her a Princess again.
I then said to
"I love those freckles on your nose."
000922
She replied, "Would you like to eat them?"
"Oh yes, my love." And she pretended to feed her freckles to me and I gobbled them up. She
replied, "You're funny."
And then
said as she gazed into my eyes, "I LIKE you."
And in a seductive voice I said, "I LIKE you too,
You're a pretty little Princess."
They continued to talk and giggle while the other two little girls made their best effort to get a word
in with no chance.
then started getting physical with me, touching me across the table.
I looked at her intently and said, "
you."
I wish so much that I could chase you and catch
Her eyes got so big and she shouted out, "What would you do to me?!"
I replied in a seductive and intense voice, "I would grab you and gobble you up."
She loved it and laughed. More touching led me to ask, "May I see your little hand?" She obliged
and laid her little hand in mine. I held and looked at her precious little hand. "Aww,
Look at that little hand. It's so pretty." And I thought of JonBenet and what it was like to
hold her little hand. I held lovely little hand and traced along the inside of her palm with my finger
and then up her wrist. I thought of JonBenet's wrists and how I tied them on that night. I then just
placed my other hand over her little hand and held her little hand tightly for a few seconds. "_ you're
so precious, darling." That hyper little girl calmed and just looked at me. It was an intimate moment.
And then I let her hand go and she went right back to being silly.
I. then saw her little belly button and said, "
I saw your little belly button. I would love
to eat it." She then started pulling her shirt up and flashing her belly button at me. followed suit and
I sat in a trance as I gazed at two five year old girls flashing their hot little belly buttons at me.
I then asked them if they would be students in the Fall. They both said yes. I told them I would be
teaching second grade and it would be so wonderful to see them in the Fall. They were happy to
hear I would be the grade two teacher and that we would be close.
All good things must end and they had to go. Especially waved goodbye over and over. She blew
kisses at me and waved and finally she was gone, along with her lovely little friends.
I thought about JonBenet a lot while I was with especially. No, she did not look like JonBenet but
she was five and little. She was so full of life like JonBenet was. She was brave like JonBenet. She
immediately bonded with me and quickly told me she liked me, just like JonBenet. Her comments
about me being a monster made me feel s
ro e. Telling elling me she
was scared of me was also really bizarre. Of course, she was acting silly the whole time she said it
but there also seemed to be some kind of seriousness about it. It was as if she was saying she could
detect something dark about me. She also ran her fingers across her neck and suggested that this is
what I might do to her if I catch her. It was almost chilling as it reminded me of JonBenet. I had
made my first little friend - age five and her little friends
and=
On day two, I went back to the little table to be with my On this day, she was not at all silly.
Instead, she sat eating and looked at me intently with her big pretty eyes. I've seen that look before.
I believe is falling for me. We talked a bit but mostly just sat and looked into each other's eyes like
two young lovers. She was very calm.
I asked, '~ did you tell your mommy about me?"
responded, "No."
I was a bit surprised that she had not said anything about me to her mom. It suddenly occurred to me
that I might be like some kind of secret to her which added to the excitement of our new
relationship. It also let me know how felt about me - that I was her carefully guarded secret. She
was keeping me to herself.
I replied, "Do you think you will be telling your mom that I a monster?"
In her sweet voice she said, "I don't think so. But I still think you're a monster."
As I contined to dine with my little one, I noticed that she was still staring into my eyes with that
precious little smile. I reached for her little hand and held it. There we were, sitting at a little table,
holding hands like two romantic lovers in a fancy restaurant. I knew other teachers would probably
think it odd but I didn't care. I was proud of it and I wanted it so bad.
She then said, "What would you do if I told my mom about you?"
I replied, "I wouldn't do anything, sweetheart. It's ok if you tell your mother about me. I was just
wondering if you did. That's all."
And once again she said, "I still think you're a monster."
We continued to eat together and to talk. Finally, I let go of her hand. My hand then dropped under
the table. She kept tapping me with her little foot. I suddenly held on to her foot underneath the
table. She was wearing sandals and I massaged her little foot with her sandal on. She looked at me
intently and with pleasure.
I eventually let go of her foot. In a matter of a second or two, she pushed her little foot back into my
hand. She had quickly slipped off her little sandal. She wanted the full effect of her little foot in my
hand. It was so special that she would toss that shoe aside and seemed to indicate that she was
expressing interest in a serious interaction with me. Her naked little foot felt so sexy in my hand. It
was almost like feeling her naked body sliding up next to me. Her
000924
"Oh
I love you. Your little foot is precious."
little foot was divine. I looked down at it as I caressed it. Her little toe nails were painted with
glitter polish.
"Oh sweetheart, I love this little foot."
She just looked at me with that same smile. I rubbed her little foot all over. I caressed her little toes
and massaged the sole of little foot. It was truly intimate and very sexual. And it all happened right
there under that little table, in the middle of the school lunchroom.
At the end of our time together, looked at me very seriously and said, "Will you please come back
and be with me tomorrow?" It was the sweetest request and was expressed from her heart. Her
voice was soft and so intense.
I replied, "Oh yes, my love. I will be back tomorrow to be with you."
And so, my little left me with all her wonderful and profuse goodbyes. But tomorrow never came for
us. Her mother came to get her early on that day and she was not there for lunch. It would be the
last day I would see her for a month. I deeply regret that she will not be my student in the Fall. She
will be a first grader and I teach second grade. But I will see her again. The problem is, her first
grade teacher doesn't like me for some reason and will most probably make it hard for me to have
any contact with her. In a year's time, if either of us are still at the same school, she will be my
student. This is when
and I will become closer.
I cannot wait.
Over the briefest period of only two days, I had the loveliest interaction with a little girl named
With and many others in the past, a bond was formed quickly - romantically attached almost
instantaneously.
000925
Bennett, Tom
crom:
,ent:
To:
This went out to him at 7.33pm Wednesday, so he's up and about and
having his morning cereal. m
Daxis, thank you for sending me this fascinating account of your
interaction with
. "Blonde," "pretty," "hyper," playful. She reminds
me of your own descriptions of JonBenet, as you suggest in the description.
Why, by the way, do you think she called you "monster," though it was
obviously done in a playful manner. Children can be so wonderfully open and
fresh. What do you think happens to turn them into "adults," whom you so
loathe - though even though I'm an adult and I've never got the impression
that you loathe me. On Jul 19, 2006, at 1:32 AM, Daxis wrote:
•
Michael,
• • Attached is an account of my two days of romance with
• Daxis
•
<About doc>
What intrigued me about your description of your interaction with her and
the other little girls, is that it gave me some more insight into ',ow you
are so good at attracting young girls, making them feel good about you.
Play is obviously a key part of this. You used the phrase that you "replied in
a seductive and intense voice..." Did you do this because you had that
intuitive sense that she was erotically attracted to you, that she would be
aware that you were being seductive? That is always an important aspect of
your relationship with young girls, that they some how feel how you feel.,
That's quite a gift.
You've asked me in another mail about my reaction to our last phone
conversation. Let me be honest, I'm still somewhat numb, still processing.
There are specifics that I wanted to discuss with you the handle for the
necklace
for example but you didn't want to go
there, and that's' fine. I am here to listen to what you wish/need to tell
me. One specific detail that you did relate - that the duct tape you used
to cover her mouth so that she would not stain her clothes was wrapped
around the handle of the flashlight - stood out. Did you know that the
prevailing theory is that a whole roll of duct tape was taken into the
house, or was already in the house - the question being raised being one
of how the Ramseys got rid of it.
Daxis, going back to ~, I cannot begin to imagine that she can evoke the
kinds of feelings in you that JonBenet did, but is it possible that I
could be wrong? Or is
more in the category of the
8 year old and the 12 year olds?
How's the lush environment.
Michael
1
000926
Bennett, Tom
Crom:
lent:
To:
Michael Tracey [Michaei.Tracey@colorado.edu]
This came in just after 9pm, Wednesday. I'll forward you the mail he's
referring to. i only sent it about an hour ago. m
Michael,
I assume you received my other mail as well. There were things in there
that might merit a response. However, I was so pleased to get this
response. I am glad you can appreciate my interaction with little girls.
Too bad you can't bring one with you when you meet me. Then you could see
for yourself just how beautiful that sweet dance can be. But it doesn't
happen with just any little girl. She has to be special and the chemistry
between us has to be in place. It has to be what we both want.
I have said and I have written all that I will about the events of that
night. I will not discuss anything past what I have shared. If this does
not suffice, I don't know what to say. It will be horrible to me if no book
will be written just because I refuse to delve any deeper than I already
have. I know that I have expressed more than any would attempt. I know that
it IS enough. I want to talk to you but I won't keep rehashing that night
and I won't say anymore.
I wish to respond to this at greater length later today. I have to *o back
to my class and finish the enormous task of decoration. I _lope something
doesn't go wrong with that job. I have been working on that room for over
a week now. More later about
Daxis
1
000927
Bennett, Tom
Sent: Thursday, July 20, 2006 11:11 AM
To:
Subject: today's missive
Michael,
I am very pleased that you appreciated my account of lovely
I thought it might be good to talk about something pleasant in light of
what you are going through in reaction to my revelation about that
night with JonBenet. You must realize that this is just one of hundreds
of interactions I have experienced with little girls. I've been in
contact with so many little girls. They bond quickly with me and there
have been many.
"Daxis, thank you for sending me this fascinating account of your
interaction with . "Blonde," "pretty," "hyper," playful. She reminds me
of your own descriptions of JonBenet, as you suggest in
the description."
It wasn't meant to sound like anything I have said of JonBenet. I am
attracted to a certain type as you know from reading excerpts from my
book. does have some of the same characteristics as JonBenet but
is never any comparison. She looks nothing like
JonBenet. There are many things about
that is different from
7onBenet but some things that are inherent in little girls that are ay
type.
AWe
"Why, by the way, do you think she called you "monster," though it was
obviously done in a playful manner."
Recall that I asked her that question and she gave her answer. It was in
the writing I sent. As you read, it made me feel as though she knew my
secret. Not that "monster" fits me at all but there was something
bizarre about it. She was playing chase with me from the first moment I
saw her and her first reaction was that word, "monster". I like chasing
little girls and making them scream. I wrote about this in my book. She
mentioned again on the second day as if to let me know that she had not
forgotten that she knew exactly what I am. "I still think you're a
monster." She says monster in a cute little South African voice as
"monsta". On that first day, she wanted me to know that I scared her. It
really turned into something erotic for us both.
"Children can be so wonderfully open and fresh. What do you think
happens to turn them into "adults," whom you so loathe - though even
though I'm an adult and I've never got the impression that you loathe
me."
I'm glad you don't feel that I loathe you. I actually quite like you but
you are self-conscious about it when I express that so I've stopped. You
do act very much like an adult at times which, of course, distances me
from you.
'es, children can be open and fresh. I don't like all children.
iodsgon was once quoted as saying, "I love children as long as
they're girls." I can love boys too but I might add that my favorite
children are lovely and sexy little girls nine and younger. You
asked, "What do you think happens to turn them into
1
000928
"adults"?" I know the answer to that. It happens after years of
programming by adults in their lives. It is the primary desire of most
adults who work with or raise children, to make all children like
themselves. In other words, the adult mindset is programmed. I ,an
still act like a silly little girl. I haven't really changed shat much
deep inside since I was six or so. But I was programmed to act a
certain way. And when I deviate from that, pesky adults look at me
strangely. Mostly, they just laugh at me. I make people laugh - a lot.
Did you know that, Michael? Yes, you are correct that I could well do
without adults in my life from this point forward. I don't enjoy their
company unless they truly appreciate me for what I am. Several have but
not so many. You seem to appreciate me and even understand me. As long
as you do, I will hang around. Adults have mostly made me miserable and
have stolen things from me. I've hated adults and continue to find some
along the way that I totally despise.
"What intrigued me about your description of your interaction with her
and the other little girls, is that it gave me some more insight into
how you are so good at attracting young girls, making them feel good
about you."
Thank you very much, Michael. If I could only do one thing, I would
want my talent to be just what you described so well. The interaction
is a carefully orchestrated dance. Many will wonder why JonBenet said
yes to me so many times that night. Reading about it will never express
all the nuances and the complexities of why she said yes. I cannot
describe in words that magic chemistry and the fluency with which I
communicate with certain sexy little girls. It just all falls into
place. That's never happened with me with adults. Oh, I have had women
fall in love with me. But my interaction, that sweet dance, shared with
little girls lies only .n their domain. And other adults are really not
welcome to be around while we interact. That is a sentiment held by not
only me but by the little girls I am with. If adults are around, we
totally ignore them. During those two days, different teachers would
actually stand and watch - in awe. They were smiling. They were
fascinated. I wish you could see it because I can't describe it. I only
know that I am in heaven when it is happening.
"Play is obviously a key part of this."
It is; however, words are key. We were sitting at a table. If I did not
know what to say, I would not have, for instance, got to see those
lovely little belly buttons. So much depends on words.
"You used the phrase that you "replied in a seductive and intense
voice..." Did you do this because you had that intuitive sense that she
was erotically attracted to you, that she would be aware that you were
being seductive?"
I did it because I craved her. Nothing I do is so planned. I just act
the way I have always acted. Yes, I am certain she knew from the look
I was giving her and through my seductive voice that I wanted her. She
gave me certain flirtatious looks as well. Parents have told me that
they have a flirtatious little daughter. Once, I overheard a five year
old student of mine telling another little girl in my class, "Daxis
has been flirting with me all day long." She was so proud of that and
was smiling. That made me want her more. I wanted to have sex with her
so bad but never did.
'That is always an important aspect of your relationship with young
jirls, that they some how feel how you feel. That's quite a gift."
Thank you. It is a gift that only exists when I am with certain
little girls. They know how I feel because I express myself in a000929
2
way they can understand. Little girls are not at all oblivious of romance
and sex. They know all about flirtation. They have even used the term as
I cited above with the five year old I knew back in the states.
'You've asked me in another mail about my reaction to our last phone
conversation. Let me be honest, I'm still somewhat numb, still
processing."
Maybe as time goes by, you might say something more about it.. Your
questions about specifics are not what I would consider a reaction. But
you can certainly be numb. You can still process it. I will never forget
sharing it with you and what it felt like.
"There are specifics that I wanted to discuss with you -- the handle for
the necklace for example -- but you didn't want to go there, and that's
fine. I am here to listen to what you wish/need to tell me."
Thank you for respecting my feelings and my privacy. JonBenet and I still
have privacy. we still have secrets - not that the above is one of those
secrets. I buried our special box and I will never divulge to anyone where
it is. What I told you in all those hours of intense and emotional
descriptions, cannot be found in any publication, in any form. I have given
you what the so called evidence left behind could never give. You are
privileged to have heard it from my own mouth. I imagine it shall never be
discussed again as I know her father will either never speak to me or will
prefer not to know. Now Patricia was a different story. She wanted to know
more. That is why she read my letters over and over. Such a pity that she
never got to hear the last voice her daughter heard.
"One specific detail that you did relate - that the duct tape you ised to
cover her mouth so that she would not stain her clothes was .trapped around
the handle of the flashlight -- stood out."
I would never have guessed that such a triviality would have stood out.
"Did you know that the prevailing theory is that a whole roll of duct
tape was taken into the house, or was already in the house - the question
being raised being one of how the Ramseys got rid of it."
Total nonsense. Poor Patricia - and John who now remains.
"Daxis, going back to~' Ah yes, much sweeter to talk about
her....
"I cannot begin to imagine that she can evoke the kinds of feelings in you
that JonBenet did, but is it possible that I could be wrong?"
No,
could not evoke the same feelings as JonBenet, nor could any
child. Every little girl is unique. I never compare them. I never say that
I loved one more than the other. All of them are different. My experience
with them is different. For instance, I have fallen in love with many
little girls and have had sex with a tiny section of the hundreds I have
loved. of course, I hold a more intense emotion for those little girls who
have been closer to me in every way. JonBenet was an incredible child. If I
had to make a Choice, though I never have thought of it that way, I would
.onsider JonBenet to have had more of an impact on me than any little girl
I have known. I delivered her soul to eternity. How could any child
compare?
3
000930
"Or is
more in the category of the 8 year old and the 12 year olds?"
No, because I had sex with the 8 year old and the 12 year olds. I abducted
the 12 year olds. I have only known
for two days. Of
:ourse, she cannot compare with the 8 year old an the 12 year olds. On the
other hand, if I got to know her more intensely and we could have sex, she
would be highly treasured. I barely know
I lived with the 8 year old and the 12 year olds. There are so many little
girls I have loved that you know nothing of.
"How's the lush environment."
It's hot. Thank you for asking. How's life in the beautiful mountains of
Boulder? I so wish I was there. In the book, I share how I always wanted to
purchase 755 and preserve it for all times. I also write that I am
disappointed that it has passed through so many hands. I would protect it
and keep everyone away from it. I would never allow anyone on the premises,
except you, of course. I would feel close to my little girl. I would make a
place for us and I would wait for her to return home from school every day.
And now I'm crying again. That is how I would like to live in Boulder.
Daxis
Bennett, Tom
-rom: MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu
.ent: Friday, July 21, 2006 2:34 PM
To:
Bennett, Tom; discoverer@adelphia.net
Michael,
"Daxis, thanks for your mail. I always appreciate it when you reply so
quickly."
Thank you for your mail as well. I have no problem responding quickly. I
usually do respond in the same day. This correspondence is a priority to
me.
"What I understand is that the type of girl you
attractive, open and precocious in the sense of
confident. I was wondering whether your ability
qualities has always been there. I imagine that
presumably experience is also a teacher."
like has to be
being very
to see these
it has, though
I like all those qualities. I have been able to see it for as long as I
can recall but experience has been quite the teacher. I must say that my
contact with little girls was raised to a higher level by far when I
started teaching.
"So am I correct in what I just wrote about the kinds of qualities which
have to be there?"
Yes, they have to be there. Though I am also attracted to shy
ittle girls. I tried really hard to express my preference in the
chapter about little girls. I like several different looks and can be
interested in certain other characteristics. Shyness is one I have not
mentioned.
"It is interesting that you put it in these terms since I suppose the
question I was raising was whether she somehow understood intuitively
that there are certain girls that you find erotic and sexually arousing
and that she was one. Is that where she was coming from?"
The bottom line is, I don't know where she was coming from. I tried to
ask her and got that answer that I gave. It was her way of expressing
that I was an intense character in her life at that moment. But to me,
calling me monster was her way of telling me she knew some inside
information about me. She wanted me to know in her explanations that she
SENSED that I was a monster and would not let go of it. Like saying, "I
want you to know that I know you want to chase me and catch me and then
do all kinds of things to me that a monster would do." Does that make any
further sense? Little girls are so complicated. It is so hard to explain
without letting you into my body and having you in front of her saying
all those things she said to me. But I totally understand her and other
little girls like her. Being called a monster was a great compliment.
""She was playing chase with me from the first moment I saw her and her
first reaction was that word,
a€aemonstera€ . I like chasing little girls and making them scream. I wrote
about this in my book. She mentioned again on the second day as if to let
me know that she had not forgotten that she knew exactly what I am. a€mI
still think youa€'re a monster.a€ She says monster in a cute little South
African voice as a€cmonstaa€ . On that first day, she wanted me to know
that I scared her. It really turned into something erotic for us both.""
1
000932
"So I guess that kind of answers my question, it was an erotic
moment."
t was an erotic moment but nothing with little girls can ever be
explained very easily. Does that remind you of your thoughts on Daxis?
Nothing is ever what it seems?
"IaE'"m glad you donaE'"t feel that I loathe you. I actually quite like
you but you are self-conscious about it when I express that so IaE'"ve
stopped.""
"Yes, I noticed. I guess ita€"s a combination of my inherent British
coolness to affectionate statements, and a guy thing. I remember you said
that you were so NOT male. That I found intriguing in the sense of what
you specifically meant by being &Ecenot male,a€ and what you definition
of maleness is."
In light of what you just said, I am not sure I can share my "NOT male
secret" with you without chipping away a bit at your "guy thing"/British
coolness. But then, I really don't esteem such characteristics so I will
tell you anyway. First, I wrote in my first chapter that my mother
referred to me as the son and the daughter of a dark supernatural force.
I was raised as both sexes. I also expressed my connection with little
girls and how it made me feel like a little girl in "Pretty Little Boy".
I am sorry to keep referring back to the book but it is all there. Now
for something not in the book... If a person is labeled as a sex
according to the hormones coursing through their system, I am female.
Where you have testosterone, I have estrogen. You learn something new
everyday
""You do act very much like an adult at times which, of course,
.istances me from you.""
Yes, and I do not understand why you would be that way with me, of all
people.
"are you suggesting that you have had relations with young boys as
well?"
Absolutely not. I have no sexual attraction to little boys. I have
thought that certain little boys are pretty and I have hugged them and
kissed them and loved them but I don't want to have sex with them.
""And when I deviate from that, pesky adults look at me strangely.
Mostly, they just laugh at me. I make people laugh - a lot. Did you know
that, Michael?""
"No, that is something that is new. Do you mean that you make them with
jokes and so on?"
I have never told a joke in my life. As I wrote above, I act strange
around adults at times. My behavior has been compared to Robin
Williams' improvisation. As a matter of fact, I was compared to him just
a week or so ago. I can be very bizarre. It is my way of rebeling
against the adult mindset. I have the gall and audacity to do outrageous
things and people laugh at it a lot. I was a shy child. I started
allowing my nervous tention to manifest itself in i behavior that adults
found amusing and still do. No, I do not appear nervous before adults quite the opposite. I am an extravert. They are laughing at the
rediculous things I say and do. Also, I have multiple personalities that
surface with rapidity and it is odd to watch. But I could probably never
let you see this
2
000933
"You mean when IaE'"m being grumpy,
cynical and distant."
side of me due the reason we are connected.
""Adults have mostly made me miserable and have stolen things from me.
IaE'"ve hated adults and continue to find some along the way that totally
despise.""
"Like who. Are you talking about particular people or types of adult
or both?"
Just adults along the way who attack me or hurt me one way or another.
I think I have more than expressed my hate for law enforcment. As I
travel around the world, I still run into idiots.
""The point IaE'"m making is that you have that talent.The interaction is a
carefully orchestrated dance.""
"I know, and Ii find your use of the term aEcedance,3€ which you used many
times, intriguing and somewhat mysterious."
Thank you. I use that term only because I cannot find the most
appropriate word for what is actually happening between a little girl
and me. It is the best way to describe it.
"So who pray tell was the best dancer?"
Michael, as I wrote to you, I do not rate my little lovers. I love them
all in a totally unique way. You know JonBenet was like my bride and
always will be. She was unique from all the rest but so are all the rest
unique. After I lost JonBenet, I fell in love with others. But never in
the same way that I loved JonBenet. As I said, we went through something
that was unbelievably intense. If we are given into marriage in the
hereafter, I shall be wed to JonBenet.
You mean other teachers in the new school? Do you think they are
jealous of your gifts in dealing with little girls? I can imagine that
many would be."
Yes, teachers in the new school is what I meant. Teachers in the past
have indeed been jealous of my connection with little girls. I have been
harassed by teachers and principals throughout my career for being close
to little girls. And I have hated those lousy bastards so much for
causing me grief and sometimes costing me my job and my connection with
certain little girls I loved so much. I trust no teacher. when they are
watching me, I am suspicious of them in the back of my mind. But I never
draw back and stop what I am doing with a little girl just because they
are watching.
"Playful words. Of course that would always be important in
breaking the ice, in establishing that first contact."
Words are ever present and serve one of the most important roles in my
interaction with little girls. I constantly talk to little girls. Recall
my interaction with JonBenet - I was talking to her constantly. Words are
not just ice breakers. However, my relationship with the 8 year old in
Europe was not based on words at all as she did not speak a word of
English. But I knew how to communicate with her in action and still
talked to her. It taught me that I could interact with little girls past
words as I always sensed was the case.
""I wanted to have sex with her so bad but never did.""
'How come? Circumstance? Change of mind? What do you think will
happen with
."
I did not have sex with her because it is so rare and complicated to go
all the way with a little girl. I doubt very much that I will
3
000934
ever have sex with
but I would love to. Sex with little girls is
beyond rare. it is more frustrating than you could ever imagine.
Your reaction to my revelation: ""Maybe as time goes by, you might ay
something more about it ... I'll
"I will. Perhaps I can talk with you about it on Saturday?"
Perhaps Michael... The problem is I cannot hear you well on the phone. I
will be expecting a call from you on Saturday. Are you confirming that? You
don't have to react to my account. It was just what it was - my outpouring
of a night that was lovely, exciting and ultimately tragic above all that
has ever been tragic in my dark life.
""Your questions about specifics are not what I would consider a
reaction.""
"I understand
you also know me
both by training
possible, in this
that. You need to know how I reacted emotionally. But
well enough to realize that I am also someone who
and instinct wants to know as much detail as
case the Life of Daxis."
I have no problem telling you about my life.
""What I told you in all those hours of intense and emotional
descriptions, cannot be found in any publication, in any form.""
Thank you very much, Michael. I am pleased that you acknowledge .hat.
Of course, we both know why nothing comes close to my account.
"He is coming out here at the beginning of August. We are having lunch and
I am going to do my best to persuade him to talk to you, and face to face I
can be very persuasive."
I have a lot to say about this. This means you have been talking to him
though you have not said a thing to me about it. If so, that was your
chance to read my message to him that I asked you to deliver to him in
person weeks ago. I also get the impression that there is something you are
not telling me about John's thoughts on me. And again, if he knows me to be
the person who took his child's life, why would he have to be persuaded to
talk to me? In several mails that you have not responded to in the past few
weeks, I have mentioned John and my contact with him over and over and do
not get your response. I suppose it is none of my business what you say to
the father of my little lover but wouldn't that alone be a reason to allow
me to know what you are talking to him about? why don't you just take him
to your office and dial me up - then hand the phone to him. That would beat
any persuasion. Michael, when I ask you to send a message to him, I would
really appreciate it if you would do just that at the time of my request.
This is why I need contact information for the father of my little girl. I
feel totally ostersized.
""Now Patricia was a different story. She wanted to know more. That is why
she read my letters over and over. Such a pity that she never got to hear
the last voice her daughter heard.""
"It is a great pity. I suppose if one were to believe in such things
shea€'"s now heard everything from JonBenet."
Or not, Michael. Or not.
4
"That is true. I know basically everything that has about the case, and
none of it comes close to your
been written account."
000935
""I would never have guessed that such a triviality would have stood
out.""
"It did and does for the reasons that I gave. One theory was that Patsy
bought it from McGuckins in Boulder."
I thought of this on my way back from a painful ordeal with an ongoing
laser procedure. Are they saying that Patricia planned the tape for
JonBenet? That would mean the "murder" was premeditated. Damn the
theorists to hell.
""Total nonsense. Poor Patricia - and John who now remains."" "Thata
€'"s good of you to say that."
Thank you but you know that I love them and want the mom's name to be
cleared. I have never under rated the importance of this but also want you
to see beyond it. There is much you are missing by seeing only that issue.
Look what you have learned from knowing me. It was not so cut and dried
that I was simply the person who took JonBenet's life. There was much more
involved. This applies also to the ordeal of JonBenet's deceased mother and
living father.
""There are so many little girls I have loved that you know nothing
"Can you share something of them with me."
I want to so bad, Michael. But I would not have the public to ever know
about certain little girls who have been in my life. It is to protect them
that I remain silent. There was one little girl I fell in love with just a
year after I lost JonBenet. She was born in 1.990 and was seven when we
met. I lived with that little girl. Of all places, I lived in her
basement.... But I cannot talk about her. Just know that it happened. She
is one of the little girls who was interviewed by the police and lied to
them telling them I never touched her. That killed me to know the police
interviewed that very special child. Her father hated me and kicked me out
eventually. Fathers
""I so wish I was there. In the book, I share
how I always wanted to purchase 755 and preserve it for all times. I also
write that I am disappointed that it has passed through so many hands. I
would protect it and keep everyone away from it. I would never allow anyone
on the premises, except you, of course. I would feel close to my little
girl. I would make a place for us and I would wait for her to return home
from school every day. And now Ia€'"m crying again. That is how I would like
to live in Boulder.""
Wow.... You made no comment about this very intense idea...
"When will you be able to send me the rest of the manuscript? I am really
looking forward to reading it."
I know you have asked this several times and I am sorry that I have iot
sent it along already. I am not sure why I am so apprehensive out I promise
I will send it very very soon. I have been so busy with my classroom and am
still not finished with the decorations. I am very elaborate with things
like that. I worked in my classroom into the night on Thursday. I spent
over four hours with the laser
of.
n
""Howa€'"s life in the beautiful mountains of Boulder?"" "Hot as
well."
I have been in Boulder
in July. I know how hot it gets.
5
000936
procedure tonight. I wanted to mail you first. What I am trying to
say is, I will reread it over and make any little corrections I
wish and will send it along to you BUT I reserve the right to
change anything in the book that I send until it is complete. I am
pleased that you are looking forward to more of the book. This must
be shown to publishers soon if you wish for a December release. I'm
worried.
I will assume you will be calling me on Saturday morning. Please
confirm. I always look forward to your calls. Can we please have a
nice goodbye this time around? I did not know what to think of your
parting words or lack thereof after sharing my account. Please try
to call me as early as possible so I will be fresh to talk to you.
Thank you for being there for me. It means the world to me. My need
to talk about JonBenet is intense and I have no one to share with
and would not even if I did with the exception of you. Michael, I
continue to say that it is important that I have a connection with
at least one of JonBenet's parents. Her mother is gone which leaves
the father. And if he believes I am his daughter's Daxis, nothing
would stand in his way to talk to me. But he did say to me that he
appreciated my love for his daughter. His sentence haunts me,
"Neither Patsy or I are convinced he is our daughter's killer." It
breaks my heart to think he might not think me her Daxis. You and I
both know I was just that.
Daxis
the best prices on SSL certificates from
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6
000937
Bennett, Tom
'ubject: FW: today's bitch-o-mail
Original Message
From: Michael Tracey (mailto:Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
Sent: Sunday, July 23, 2006 10:44 PM To:
Bennett, Tom; Andrew Smit Subject; today's
bitch-o-mail
Michael,
I wrote this wonderful mail to you entitled "Her Daxis" and I know that
you will never respond to it especially in light of the fact that I am
writing this to you now. It wouldn't be the first mail in the past few
weeks that has been forgetten. I would not send this mail in light of that
but I think I need to write.
Thanks for making a little time for a call. I felt extremely pressured
knowing that you were either busy or on your way out the door the whole
time we were talking. I thought Saturday was a time when you could be
alone and a day when you had the time to talk to me. I still squeezed an
hour out of you but it makes me wonder why I have to squeeze at all.
\ctually, though I appreciated your call, it was quite upsetting to .ae. I
had no idea that you were shooting a ten year anniversary documentary
about JonBenet. Will you be saying in the documentary that her death is
still a mystery? Can you do that with a straight face? Strange that
someone like me will not be a part of such a documentary - not that I ever
would. It is even stranger that there will not even be a hint of me in it.
Is this where your priorities lie. I have seen no indication that you have
written the first thing for the Daxis book. Please don't blame me for
that, citing that you are waiting for the remainder of my work. You have
plenty to work on in the meantime.
And then there is the matter of John Ramsey. How arrogant of me to think
that you would be meeting him to talk about me. Instead, I will be an
"aside" at the end of your very important conversation about your very
important documentary. You say he cannot talk to me due this time of
grieving yet he can take time out of grieving to talk to you about a
documentary. I feel much as I did when I read the comment made by Lin Wood
- "I hope those detectives out in Boulder find my daughter's killer soon."
I still think she said that. I feel as though I am living in some fantasy
that anyone has the least bit of interest in me - especially the Ramseys.
Yes, I said the Ramseys. This also lets me know that there is much I do not
know concerning your plans and where now John Ramsey stands on this issue.
I feel foolish that I thought I was actually important valued. I'm glad you shed just a bit of light on what is going on. It
seems to me that you are busy with everything else BUT Daxis. Yes, you
called me but I had to squeeze the time out of you. Yes, you sometimes
write to me but I mostly have to ask you over and ,)ver to respond to my
letters.
it's good to know about what you told me last night on the phone. It lets
me know where I rank in the grand scheme of things - somewhere at the
bottom of the busy heap. It doesn't surprise me, actually. But I am
currently sitting in front of a "book" that has
1
000938
now been downgraded to a "manuscript" and help me understand where I might
find the inspiration to continue? I trudged forward and continued to write
when Patricia died. While I cried over her loss, I continued to write this
"whatever the hell it is"- book,
anuscript, something no one will ever see? And now, I find out ..hat
everyone else is just getting on with other projects and leaving this
"work" of mine behind. But you know what Michael? I've kept this a secret
for ten years. Why not just keep it a secret forever? No one's listening
anyway. Her own father doesn't even care to even speak to me. I think I'm
wasting my time and expending so much of myself that is never going to
amount to anything. As you know, it took a tremendous amount of courage to
share the events of that night with you over the course of two nights on
the phone. It crushed me. And for what? So John Ramsey can continue to not
think of me at all? What's this all for? So far, I have seen no results at
all. Instead, I have been hurt and will eventually be abandoned. All my
pleading and writing never allowed me to connect with her mother. All my
pleading and writing will never connect me with her father. That's no
surprise since he was against any connection from the beginning. And I
contend that all the writing and pleading will never make any "book" come
to pass. You shall see. I am right. I was right about Patricia and I will
be right about this. I can see the writing on the wall. You are pursuing
the same things you did prior to hearing my story. Daxis is "something on
the side" - not priority one as he should be. You will meet your deadline
for a documentary but you won't meet your deadline with me. Again, it's
fine. It let's me know where I rank in the grand scheme of things
Daxis
2
000939
Bennett, Tom
'prom:
Sent:
To:
Michael,
Attached is Part One and Part Two of my book. I am presenting to you 12
chapters out of 15 chapters total. It is over 100 letter size pages long.
Please note that I have also attached a new revised outline. There have
been major changes. All documents supercede anything I have sent in the
past and are subject to be updated in the future. Please guard my writings.
I would appreciate a reaction. Please read my writings in Part Two
carefully. Do not scan.
After writing my last letter to you in an upset state, it was if JonBenet
told me to complete Part Two for her and for her mommy. I completed it
today with great inspiration. I am doing this for us; for JonBenet and her
Daxis - and for her mother. I belong with my JonBenet forever and no power
on this earth or Hell shall stop me from writing this book.
Daxis
1
000940
Bennett, Tom
°rom:
,ent:
To:
Michael Tracey [ Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
Wednesday, July 26, 2006 10:47 AM
Michael,
Nice to hear from you today. I have been decorating my classroom AGAIN.
It is becoming quite the showcase. I am getting a lot of compliments from
the teachers and even the girls in the office. I am very creative with
Microsoft Publisher. I create huge banners and make posters out of some
of my favorite pictures from my computer. I was in my classroom until
20.30 tonight. The last thing I made and hung was a beautiful ballerina.
I love ballet. My little seven year old blonde back in Bavaria was a
little ballerina. I took her to ballet practice in the snow in the family
BMW. That whole experience of living with that family was surreal for me.
I wrote to you once years ago about folding her and her sisters'
knickers....
Might you share more about the child you lost? What was the cause of
death? I assume it was a miscarriage. It certainly affected you and I
would like to know why though you never share much with me about your
personal life. Is there a gravesite? That is very important.
You said, "but coming to understand you and JonBenet". That is so
precious to me. You placed us together where we always belonged and -till
do. Yes, her birthday is near. You know how I feel about it _low that you
have my manuscript.
You said, "the public pressure doesn't concern me. You have to
understand my psychological makeup to understand this. Do you?" Not
really. Please tell me about it. I would assume that you are tough; that
you are a fighter; that you would take my part and be steadfast. I
assume you care not of public opinion and criticism if you believe in
something strongly enough. Is that your psychological makeup?
You asked "what do I mean by something drastic?" My life can turn on a
dime and has. I have lived life on the cutting edge ever since I have
left the U.S. One night, I might be sipping champagne amongst
distinguished guests while in the next, I might be sleeping on a park
bench. You really don't understand how difficult my life has been for
these past years.
Thank you for your concern about the laser procedure. It is not surgery,
per se. And thank you for saying "you are already a very handsome man"
but it IS cosmetic. It is also ongoing and will occur for at least six
or more months. It is so painful. It is facial. It is the early phases
of an elaborate plan I have for completely vanishing by changing my
appearance and my complete identity. I have two major plastic surgery
procedures - with one that will hopefully take place by next summer at
this time. The second will hopefully take place six months later. I must
save thousands of dollars prior. It should all be completed in two
years. So now you know the rest of the story - or what of it I am
willing to ;hare
I had not planned to share a hint of it to you but it
seems that I have now.
Yes, I am hoping to have a back up plan in case the phone number
falls apart. I have a possible option B that would be quite
1
000941
incredible but it would compromise my identity way too much. It would have
to be a last resort. This number should be active for a year if I am
around to answer it. That is the main problem at this point.
hank you for saying "you are definitely agenda item # 1" concerning your
lunch with John Ramsey. I've quite given up. I am very confused as to why
he refuses to talk to me. Who knows what he's thinking. Maybe it is for the
best that we don't talk if it is going to be so hard to convince him. He
might wish he had talked to me someday when it is impossible to make any
kind of contact with me.
Concerning this Saturday's conversation, you asked, "Where would you like
to take this from here, what is it that you would like to tell me. Always
remember that I'm always listening, always trying to understand." Thank you
for saying that. It certainly makes me feel like sharing. I assure you that
there will never be a dull moment with me. Now that I can actually hear
you, you might ask me questions but I doubt I will add any more to what is
written now. I have a lot of reasons for that. I could tell you more of my
attraction to little girls. I do not want us to waste a lot of time talking
about John Ramsey. It is becoming redundant. We could talk about JonBenet.
I was thinking of her today. She liked to wear nail polish. She loved red.
She was an incredible little girl. She liked to be a big girl and was good
at it. We could talk about though I have not seen her in weeks. I wish she
was going to a in second grade but alas, she will be in first grade and her
teacher is somewhat of a jerk. I could get close to her if she was my
student. She is so receptive and highly interested in me as I am in her.
Don't worry, the words will flow - call and they will come....
You said, "I received your manuscript last night, late." I sent
hat to you on Sunday. Why did it take you all that time to get it?
.lichael, thank you so much for what you said about my words. It really
meant a lot to me. I worked so hard to make it perfect. I went over it time
and time again - each time editing, mostly deleting. I deeply appreciate
that a man such as yourself would be impressed with my writing. And yes, it
is minus my emotional outpouring. I cried while I wrote it. This is where
you must describe what it was like to hear me cry for my little girl. You
must describe perfectly so everyone knows how intensely I loved her and how
painful it was to lose my little girl, JonBenet. Thank you, Michael, for
receiving my words with such intensity and appreciation. I am deeply
touched and so pleased that it is as it should be. It must perfect for
JonBenet and her Daxis.
Yes, I did have an idea of a few seconds that you might add to this
documentary. It just suddenly came to me one night. The camera would slowly
come in closer to JonBenet's gravestone. In the background, poignant,
funeral like orchestration, possibly just one lonesome chord could be
played by the orchestra's string section in low tones. Audio of my efforts
to revive JonBenet would be in the background - an actor's voice delivering
my cries to JonBenet as I desperately try to revive her - this with no
audio effects. All the while, the camera is very slowly getting closer to
her name on her gravestone, the music still playing. And then, all the
audio ceases, the camera tightly focused on the name "JonBenet" on the
gravestone. Immediately a little girl clearly whispers "DAXIS" as the name
DAXIS comes toward the camera and through the name "JonBenet" then all
fades out with the whisper of the little girl echoing. All this would come
at the very end of the documentary. I :m not sure where that came from but
it was so clear to me one night. Strange....
You said, "My faith is enormous. Forget the documentary, forget my book.
We have a bigger fish to fry." I really liked that a lot.
2
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Yes, what we have to do is much more important than anything else could
ever be.
Again, find comfort in knowing that JonBenet was already in a
eaceful place when all those horrible events were taking place. ..he just
went to sleep and fell into a sweet dream. I do not believe she felt any
pain. Also find comfort in knowing she was never scared. She was my brave
little girl. I was so proud of her that night. And that is something I
would definitely want to say to her father.
You asked how I knew the Ramseys went through some ritual of forgiveness in
Hawaii. it was spiritual that I knew. When you mentioned months ago in a
mail that they were in Hawaii on some religious retreat, I knew they were
making a final attempt for Patricia to find some peace before she died. But
Michael, that was nothing compared to what I could have done for her and
for him if only I would have been given a chance. Of course, I do not see
nor read any media accounts. Even if I wanted to, it is not available where
I live now. On the other side of the world, no one even knows who the
Ramseys are. The sadness is, they never forgave me. They forgave the
unknown. It is much like you saying, "I love you" to the night. You will
have cast your intense emotion into a sea of nothingness. Surely you
understand me.
You asked "what would you wish to tell him: about your relationship with
Jonbenet?" I just wish to tell him I loved her. I would not say anything
sexually connotative to her dad unless he asked. At that point, I would
tell him. You asked if I would tell him the events of that night. I am not
sure. I think he should read my manuscript but I have not given you my
permission to release that to him. I think I will make a deal with him that
I will release my manuscript to him if he gives me his personal e-mail
address because it is totally ridiculous that I do not have that. You have
.iis e-mail address and you didn't even know his daughter. Otherwise, I
also think it is important that he has read my account prior to any call.
Yes, I could tell him of my feelings for little girls and their sexuality only if he asked and wanted to know about it. You say it is important for
you to understand my parameters ahead of next weeks meeting. I have no
parameters. I will act appropriately and with reverence. I will be kind and
consoling. I won't be questioned nor will I be tested. Especially not at
this point, after I have made a written confession of the events of that
night. I will not tell him how I met JonBenet nor will I divulge any other
fact that I choose not to share. I believe he will ask me if I have asked
for God's forgiveness. I am not sure how to answer that. If I was honest, I
would reply, "Mr. Ramsey, I mostly worship your daughter and she has
forgiven me." But I would not say something like that to him because he
wouldn't understand it. If he brings up something about turning myself in,
I will tell him that I do not think JonBenet would want that for me and
that I have suffered and continue to suffer enough without being in a
prison cell where none of you can access me again. I also have too much to
offer to other children to be locked up. I don't think he will want to talk
to me. It's a shocker but I have resigned myself to never having contact
with either of her parents. That hope died when Patricia passed away.
Lin Wood said that, on his final meeting with Patricia - a breakfast two
weeks prior to her death, Patricia said to him, "I hope those detectives
out in Boulder find my daughter's killer soon because I am about to ****"
If this happened, she never had any )elief that I took her daughter's life.
It baffles me to think of such a thing.
I mentioned to you that you have stopped responding to all of my mails
in the last month and that is factual. There have been
3
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several mails that you never responded to. You said, "it's as if you are
punishing yourself again. Am i close to the truth?" No, you are not close
to the truth. I am punished when you don't respond to certain of my very
important mails.
wrote to you, "If I die today, no one would even be around to bury me. I
would have no funeral. I would remain in some morgue until my body would
ultimately be destroyed. That kills me. What I really want is to be placed
close to my little girl in that Georgia earth. I belong with JonBenet." You
responded, "Daxis as Heathcliffe, JonBenet as Cathy." You do realize that
what I told you was extremely serious and a deep concern of mine.
In response to my feable description of my plight in life concerning my
lack of security, you said, "My sense though is that given your skills as a
primary school teacher, there will always be work for you." Thanks for that
but, Michael, I have gone without work for up to a year and a half at a
time. As I get older, it becomes more difficult to get a job. I have been
in and out of some of the most difficult positions in my career. In Paris,
I would retrieve food in the park and eat it. I would go into fast food
restaurants and sit down where people had left and finish their food. I
wandered around during the day and would become so exhausted that I would
sleep on park benches. I reenter that on occasion when I am out of work and
broke. You certainly don't understand my plight. It can be very severe. I
know the meaning of having no security and you cannot even come close to
understanding what it is like.
I wrote "Thank you for assuring me that you will not abandon me. Everyone
in my life has abandoned me. It started with my father when I was six.
Death has cheated me out of those I have loved. And I was totally rejected
by the rest of my family after the
nvestigation. They once thought I was a brilliant person. After maw
enforcment finished with them, I was a monster to them and they hated me
and wanted nothing to do with me. So thank you again for assuring me you
will not abandon me. Excuse me if I have a problem believing you." After
all that, you asked, "Is that Daxis being slightly sarcastic? if so, why?"
My question to you is, after reading all that, why don't you understand why
it is hard for me to believe you won't be like all the rest of the people
in my past?
You asked, "You would like me to make a documentary about you?" My
response is, no.
You mentioned, "I was wiped out, anxious, emotional. I retreated into a
certain kind of silence." I respect that but just know that I have no idea
what is going on and just think you have abandoned me.
You asked, if I ever said happy birthday to JonBenet. Are you asking me if
I attended one of her birthday parties? The answer to that is no, I did
not attend one of her birthday parties.
I am sorry for sending another long mail. I look forward to your response.
I am also looking forward to your call on Saturday. I will leave you with
this. I loved my sweet little JonBenet and thought of her all day today. I
was looking at my masterpiece classroom and I said aloud, "Oh JonBenet, I
wish you could see my classroom and you would be one of my little
students". I've been a second grade teacher so many times. I am lucky to be
one again. JonBenet is always smiling in my thoughts of her. She was a
happy '.ittle girl. I loved her so much. I wonder what it would be like to
calk about JonBenet with her father. I would have given anything to talk
about my darling girl with her mother. Now, that is impossible. For some
strange reason, I thought of something Lucinda Johnson said about John. She
said he was very affectionate and
4
000944
loving with JonBenet. Maybe I don't know much about this man. His first
sentence to me concerned my love for his daughter. It is as if love is a
very important emotion to him. I know that I loved his daughter dearly.
.taxis
5
000945
Bennett, Tom
cram:
pent:
To:
Here's today's missive. I sent him a really short note last night since I
really wasn't up to doing anything at length. He was not happy with this of
course, but right now I'm totally sick and tired of this prick. This does
not mean that I'm giving up on the emails and I will be calling him on
Saturday. It's just that if I had the opportunity to rip his throat I might
just take it. m
Michael,
"Daxis, thanks for your mail today" I sent
that mail yesterday....
"and my apologies for this short reply. I'm really tired - and I use the
term in both its physical and existential sense."
So that is one of my mails that will go unanswered...
"I keep going over in my mind your manuscript, particularly your account
of that night, and the effect is a bit like leaving the headlights on in
a car without the engine running. It drains the battery, and right now
my battery is running on low."
T respect that my account was disturbing but I never thought it dould
stop you from writing to me. I thought about you today and wondered how
you were doing concerning my revelations of that night. I think it has
really upset you in a way I never imagined. Staying in touch with me
might be good for you. But I can't force you to answer my letters.
"I will be better tomorrow"
Meaning you'll answer my mail from two days back by that time? You'll
answer this note and I will never get a response to such a long and
important mail sent yesterday. That's sad. Maybe I should take a break from
writing to you in light of the way you feel about me now.
"and I will definitely call you Saturday."
I will definitely be waiting. I know the calls as well are soon to fade
away. Maybe it will be your last call.
Please don't
letter. That
really think
yet, you did
respond only to this short note and disregard a very special
has happened way too much here. Someday in the future, I
you will regret all the chances you had to communicate with me
not.
Michael, try not to let the events I described completely destroy you. It
was so special to me to be with JonBenet on that night. You are so lucky to
have been able to hear of it straight from me as I revealed it to you with
my own voice. JonBenet would want you to be :lose to me at a time when you
hurt the most for her. I could help you get through this difficult time. I
know it must hard for you and I understand. I know you love JonBenet the
best way you can without having met her. I know you are going though a hard
time thinking of what happened to her with me. But Michael, I loved her
1
000946
very much. She was not with a person who wished her harm. She was with me.
Won't you consider staying close to me at a time when I could help you get
through your grief over knowing what happened to my little girl?
.)axis
2
000947
Bennett, Tom
-rom: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
.ent: Thursday, July 27, 2006 9:13 PM
To:
Bennett, Tom
Subject:
tonight to him
Daxis, sorry about last night. I was down, way down but my
existential blues seemed to have evaporated. But, again, sorry. i
know you hate it when you feel I'm being curt. On Jul 26, 2006, at
10:21 AM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
• • Nice to hear from you today. I have been decorating my classroom
• AGAIN. It is becoming quite the showcase. I am getting a lot of
• compliments from the teachers and even the girls in the office.
The girls in the office somehow feel really cute. Let me share a little
secret with you, I've long had a thing about Asian women. Not quite sure
why, but what does it matter, it is what it is. You are so lucky to be
surrounded by them even if they are not to your particular taste - we all
have out different preferences, and those should be respected.
• I
• am very creative with Microsoft Publisher. I create huge banners
• and make posters out of some of my favorite pictures from my
• computer.
What kinds of photos do you use in your classroom. I've never taught young
children so I have no idea how to do it, what kinds of things -ne does to
nurture a meaningful classroom environment. Actually, I .ao teach
children, they just happen to be 18 years old though I can't bring myself
to amuse them with classroom stuff. They are all on My Space and Facebook
anyway, so who the fuck cares.
• I was in my classroom until 20.30 tonight.
I hope they are already paying you - I was raised by a socialist
grandfather, in a house with no heating, an outside toilet, only
running cold water, so I am all for the working stiff.
• The last thing
• I made and hung was a beautiful ballerina. I love ballet.
That I already knew. You see, I do read your mails very carefully. I must
admit - and I seem to be in revealing mode tonight - I've never been able
to get into ballet. it's probably a cultural thing, hence the reference
to my childhood above - Google The Oldham Chronicle, Lancashire, England,
c'est moi, monsieur, c'est moi. But I do love classical music. Maria
Callas singing Puccini is totally guaranteed to bring me to tears. It
feels weird, but it is the truth.
• My little
• seven year old blonde back in Bavaria was a little ballerina. I
• took her to ballet practice in the snow in the family BMW. That
• whole experience of living with that family was surreal for me. I
• wrote to you once years ago about folding her and her sisters'
• knickers....
I remember it well. I seem to recall replying that it was curious
that an American would use the term knickers, and a Brit the term panties.
Quick question: why do you think that little girls' knickers/ )anties are
so arousing? what do they evoke?
• • Might you share more about the child you lost? What was the cause
• of death? I assume it was a miscarriage.
1
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Daxis, that is incredibly perceptive of you. I will try sometime to share
it with you. I have never shared it with anyone. It wasn't just that there
was a miscarriage, it was under particularly horrible circumstances. It has
scarred
me emotionally for 25 years. And I
uddenly realized something: it happened just before Christmas. . It
certainly affected you
•
and I would like to know why though you never share much with me
•
about your personal life. Is there a gravesite?
There is no gravesite, which is part part of the issue. Someday i will
explain more.
• That is very
•
important.
• • You said, "but coming to understand you and JonBenet". That is so
•
•
•
precious to me. You placed us together where we always belonged and
still do. Yes, her birthday is near. You know how I feel about it
now that you have my manuscript.
Indeed i do, and that brings me to some practical questions that I wanted
to raise with you. We now have a very developed manuscript of enormous
importance and potential. You need to give permission to start sending it
out. I would do so with additional information, such as the introduction
which would be me writing about you, our connection, how i became involved,
convinced etc. I suspect that one question that would be raised is the
issue of photos, that is, are the one's of, for example, that you would
wish to have of JonBenet in the book, particular favourites and so on. We
also need to think about what we might ask for in terms of an advance,
royalties, that kind of thing, and how the money would get to you - I know
you've investigated Swiss bank accounts, not something unfortunately I know
much about. These are the kinds of boring details that are nevertheless
inevitable. BTW, you have said that you want to help
rohn. Would you be open to a 3 way split of profits from the book?
• • You said, "the public pressure doesn't concern me. You have to
• understand my psychological makeup to understand this. Do you?" Not
•
really. Please tell me about it. I would assume that you are tough;
when I have to be I can be brutal - but that is a side of me i try to keep
hidden and under control. When I was building my career I could be awful.
It's a quality that lurks there, but I am much better at keeping it out of
sight.
•
that you are a fighter; that you would take my part and be
•
steadfast. I assume you care not of public opinion and criticism if
• you believe in something strongly enough. Is that your
• psychological makeup?
Spot on, Daxis, spot. If I believe something, nothing, absolutely
nothing will sway me.
• • You asked "what do I mean by something drastic?" My life can turn
•
on a dime and has. I have lived life on the cutting edge ever since
•
I have left the U.S. One night, I might be sipping champagne
•
amongst distinguished guests while in the next, I might be sleeping
•
on a park bench. You really don't understand how difficult my life
•
has been for these past years.
Actually I do because you have intimated it many times. Also, I seem to
recall from what Mike Sandrock said that the Shakespeare Book Store is as
really cheap place to live.
>
Thank you for your concern about the laser procedure. It is not
•
surgery, per se. And thank you for saying "you are already a very
•
handsome man" but it IS cosmetic. It is also ongoing and will occur
•
for at least six or more months. It is so painful.
2
000949
Ouch.
•
It is facial. It
•
is the early phases of an elaborate plan I have for completely
• vanishing by changing my appearance and my complete identity. I
have two major plastic surgery procedures - with one that will
• hopefully take place by next summer at this time. The second will
• hopefully take place six months later. I must save thousands of
• dollars prior. It should all be completed in two years. So now you
• know the rest of the story - or what of it I am willing to
• share
I had not planned to share a hint of it to you but it
• seems that I have now.
And thank you for sharing. But be careful, some of these cosmetic
surgeries can go badly wrong. Don't go from handsome to scarred.
• • Yes, I am hoping to have a back up plan in case the
• falls apart. I have a possible option B that would
• incredible but it would compromise my identity way
• would have to be a last resort. This number should
• year if I am around to answer it. That is the main
• point.
phone number
be quite
too much. It
be active for a
problem at this
I'll call you on the number you gave me last Saturday.
• • Thank you for saying "you are definitely agenda item # 1"
• concerning your lunch with John Ramsey. I've quite given up. I am
• very confused as to why he refuses to talk to me. Who knows what
• he's thinking.
I have no idea to be honest. We shall see.
• Maybe it is for the best that we don't talk if it is
• going to be so hard to convince him. He might wish he had talked to
• me someday when it is impossible to make any kind of contact with
me.
And that of course is a very powerful argument for him talking to you.
I will press this point
• • Concerning this Saturday's conversation, you asked, "Where would
• you like to take this from here, what is it that you would like to
• tell me. Always remember that I'm always listening, always trying
• to understand." Thank you for saying that. It certainly makes me
• feel like sharing. I assure you that there will never be a dull
• moment with me.
Daxis, I think that one I worked out for myself.
• Now that I can actually hear you, you might ask me
• questions but I doubt I will add any more to what is written now. I
• have a lot of reasons for that. I could tell you more of my
• attraction to little girls.
Let's go there. I am fascinated by the way you articulate your
interest, of how you explain it in ways that most people are not
privy to.
• I do not want us to waste a lot of time
• talking about John Ramsey. It is becoming redundant. We could talk
• about JonBenet. I was thinking of her today. She liked to wear nail
• polish. She loved red.
She did? I never knew that.
• She was an incredible little girl. She liked
• to be a big girl and was good at it. We could talk about
• though I have not seen her in weeks.
And I would like to hear more about your feelings for her, and the question
of why her, why certain young girls and not others. And how you get their
erotic attention so quickly, if I read what you say correctly. And as ever,
be as open as you feel comfortable with being.
3
000950
•
•
•
•
I wish she was going to be in
second grade but alas, she will be in first grade and her teacher
is somewhat of a jerk. I could get close to her if she was my
student.
.iow would you do that?
• She is so receptive and highly interested in me as I am in
•
her. Don't worry, the words will flow - call and they will come...
Good.
• • You said, "I received your manuscript last night, late." I sent
• that to you on Sunday. Why did it take you all that time to get it?
Not sure.
• Michael, thank you so much for what you said about my words. It
• really meant a lot to me. I worked so hard to make it perfect. I
• went over it time and time again - each time editing, mostly
• deleting. I deeply appreciate that a man such as yourself would be
• impressed with my writing. And yes, it is minus my emotional
• outpouring. I cried while I wrote it. This is where you must
• describe what it was like to hear me cry for my little girl. You
• must describe perfectly so everyone knows how intensely I loved her
• and how painful it was to lose my little girl, JonBenet.
That's where my opening account comes in. it is it occurs to me a
biography of the two of us, two people who have never met and yet have
become so intimately involved. Amazing.
• Thank you,
• Michael, for receiving my words with such intensity and
• appreciation. I am deeply touched and so pleased that it is as it
• should be. It must perfect for JonBenet and her Daxis.
:t will be perfect. I promise. You have my word. Nothing will come
oetween the world knowing of the love between you and JonBenet a love
that was spiritutal, erotic, passionate, eternal. >
• Yes, I did have an idea of a few seconds that you might add to this
• documentary. It just suddenly came to me one night. The camera
• would slowly come in closer to JonBenet's gravestone. In the
• background, poignant, funeral like orchestration, possibly just one
• lonesome chord could be played by the orchestra's string section in
• low tones. Audio of my efforts to revive JonBenet would be in the
• background - an actor's voice delivering my cries to JonBenet as I
• desperately try to revive her - this with no audio effects. All the
• while, the camera is very slowly getting closer to her name on her
• gravestone, the music still playing. And then, all the audio
• ceases, the camera tightly focused on the name "JonBenet" on the
• gravestone. Immediately a little girl clearly whispers "DAXIS" as
• the name DAXIS comes toward the camera and through the name
• "JonBenet" then all fades out with the whisper of the little girl
• echoing. All this would come at the very end of the documentary. I
• am not sure where that came from but it was so clear to me one
• night. Strange..
A compelling final image. We'd need a voice of a young girl that
evoked JonBenet. That rules out
. with her South African
inflections.
• • You said, "My faith is enormous. Forget the documentary, forget my
• book. We have a bigger fish to fry." I really liked that a lot.
• Yes, what we have to do is much more important than anything else
• could ever be.
I truly, truly understand this. Our relationship has become consuming, to
be honest, and so NOT male. Don't you agree? maybe that is what you saw in
me from the beginning, for reasons that I did not
4
000951
see. Fascinating.
• • Again, find comfort in knowing that JonBenet was already in a
• peaceful place when all those horrible events were taking place.
She just went to sleep and fell into a sweet dream. I do not
• believe she felt any pain. Also find comfort in knowing she was
• never scared. She was my brave little girl. I was so proud of her
• that night. And that is something I would definitely want to say to
• her father.
I will tell him how much you want to express your love for his daughter, of
how what happened was not meant to be. Of how you making love to her, not
trying to harm her. I think he will understand, just as i did.
• • You asked how I knew the Ramseys went through some ritual of
• forgiveness in Hawaii. It was spiritual that I knew. When you
• mentioned months ago in a mail that they were in Hawaii on some
• religious retreat, I knew they were making a final attempt for
• Patricia to find some peace before she died. But Michael, that was
• nothing compared to what I could have done for her and for him if
• only I would have been given a chance. Of course, I do not see nor
• read any media accounts. Even if I wanted to, it is not available
• where I live now. On the other side of the world, no one even knows
• who the Ramseys are. The sadness is, they never forgave me. They
• forgave the unknown. It is much like you saying, "I love you" to
• the night. You will have cast your intense emotion into a sea of
• nothingness. Surely you understand me.
That's a fascinating image, metaphor. And in a curious kind of way not
how you intended it to be.
• • You asked "what would you wish to tell him: about your relationship
• with Jonbenet?" I just wish to tell him I loved her. I would not
• say anything sexually connotative to her dad unless he asked. At
• that point, I would tell him. You asked if I would tell him the
• events of that night. I am not sure. I think he should read my
• manuscript but I have not given you my permission to release that
• to him.
Would you like me to give him a copy? It would obviously be hard for him,
but at the same time might help bring the closure you so want for him.
• I think I will make a deal with him that I will release my
• manuscript to him if he gives me his personal e-mail address
• because it is totally ridiculous that I do not have that. You have
• his e-mail address and you didn't even know his daughter.
I feel now, because of you, that I do know his daughter. All i can say is
that i will do everything I can to persuade him to open up a conversation
with you. Would you also want to introduce your feelings about, for
example,
• Otherwise, I also t in it is important that he has read my account
• prior to any call. Yes, I could tell him of my feelings for little
• girls and their sexuality - only if he asked and wanted to know
• about it. You say it is important for you to understand my
• parameters ahead of next weeks meeting. I have no parameters. I
• will act appropriately and with reverence. I will be kind and
• consoling.
I
•
•
•
•
•
•
undersand that.
I won't be questioned nor will I be tested. Especially
not at this point, after I have made a written confession of the
events of that night. I will not tell him how I met JonBenet nor
will I divulge any other fact that I choose not to share. I believe
he will ask me if I have asked for God's forgiveness. I am not sure
how to answer that. If I was honest, I would reply, "Mr. Ramsey, I
5
000952
• mostly worship your daughter and she has forgiven me." That
would be important to him.
> But I would
not say something like that to him because he wouldn't understand
it. if he brings up something about turning myself in, I will tell
>him that I do not think JonBenet would want that for me and that I
>have suffered and continue to suffer enough without being in a
• prison cell where none of you can access me again.
That makes total sense.
• I also have too
• much to offer to other children to be locked up. I don't think he
• will want to talk to me. It's a shocker but I have resigned myself
• to never having contact with either of her parents. That hope died
• when Patricia passed away.
You know my position on this. Sometimes Daxis, and forgive my stating the
obvious, patience is a virtue, and you have been incredibly patient, as we
both have, over these past several years. You will, I truly hope,hear John
•
•
•
•
•
•
Lin Wood said that, on his final meeting with Patricia - a
breakfast two weeks prior to her death, Patricia said to him, "I
hope those detectives out in Boulder find my daughter's killer soon
because I am about to ****" If this happened, she never had any
belief that I took her daughter's life. It baffles me to think of
such a thing.
• • I mentioned to you that you have stopped responding to all of my
• mails in the last month and that is factual. There have been
• several mails that you never responded to. You said, "it's as if
• you are punishing yourself again. Am i close to the truth?" No, you
are not close to the truth. I am punished when you don't respond to
• certain of my very important mails.
• • I wrote to you, "If I die today, no one would even be around to
• bury me. I would have no funeral. I would remain in some morgue
• until my body would ultimately be destroyed. That kills me. What I
• really want is to be placed close to my little girl in that Georgia
• earth. I belong with JonBenet." You responded, "Daxis as
• Heathcliffe, JonBenet as Cathy." You do realize that what I told
• you was extremely serious and a deep concern of mine.
Yes, and that is why I used the Wuthering Heights image. It was a book
that massively influenced me because of it suggestion of profound
intimacy, connectedness, you and JonBenet, and at a lesser
level, you and me profound intimacy
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
In response to my feable description of my plight in life
concerning my lack of security, you said, "My sense though is that
given your skills as a primary school teacher, there will always be
work for you." Thanks for that but, Michael, I have gone without
work for up to a year and a half at a time. As I get older, it
becomes more difficult to get a job. I have been in and out of some
of the most difficult positions in my career. In Paris, I would
retrieve food in the park and eat it. I would go into fast food
restaurants and sit down where people had left and finish their
> food. I wandered around during the day and would become so
> exhausted that I would sleep on park benches. I reenter that on
> occasion when I am out of work and broke. You certainly don't
> understand my plight. It can be very severe. I know the meaning of
• having no security and you cannot even come close to understanding
• what it is like.
Probably true, but I do understand emotional insecurity, which I hate which
is probably why there is this profound contradiction in my
6
000953
makeup - bringing people close in order to push them away, to see if they
really want to be close, totally untrusting. In the immortal words of
Philip Larkin, "They fuck you up, your mum and dad." Mine did: my father
by dying when I was four, my mother by pretending he Lever existed. In
there Daxis is somewhere else we are connected. Do jou understand what i
am saying?
>
• I wrote "Thank you for assuring me that you will not abandon me.
• Everyone in my life has abandoned me. It started with my father
• when I was six. Death has cheated me out of those I have loved. And
• I was totally rejected by the rest of my family after the
• investigation. They once thought I was a brilliant person. After
• law enforcment finished with them, I was a monster to them and they
• hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. So thank you again for
•
•
•
•
•
assuring me you will not abandon me. Excuse me if I have a problem
believing you." After all that, you asked, "Is that Daxis being
slightly sarcastic? if so, why?" My question to you is, after
reading all that, why don't you understand why it is hard for me to
believe you won't be like all the rest of the people in my past?
Because I'm here and sharing feelings with you. I AM here.
• • You asked, "You would like me to make a documentary about you?" My
• response is, no.
You'd be a great subject.
• • You mentioned, "I was wiped out, anxious, emotional. I retreated
• into a certain kind of silence." I respect that but just know that
• I have no idea what is going on and just think you have abandoned
• me.
>
• You asked, if I ever said happy birthday to JonBenet. Are you
• asking me if I attended one of her birthday parties? The answer to
• that is no, I did not attend one of her birthday parties. >
• I am sorry for sending another long mail. I look forward to your
• response. I am also looking forward to your call on Saturday.
Me
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
too.
I
will leave you with this. I loved my sweet little JonBenet and
thought of her all day today. I was looking at my masterpiece
classroom and I said aloud, "Oh JonBenet, I wish you could see my
classroom and you would be one of my little students". I've been a
second grade teacher so many times. I am lucky to be one again.
JonBenet is always smiling in my thoughts of her. She was a happy
little girl. I loved her so much. I wonder what it would be like to
talk about JonBenet with her father. I would have given anything to
talk about my darling girl with her mother. Now, that is
impossible. For some strange reason, I thought of something Lucinda
Johnson said about John. She said he was very affectionate and
•
•
•
•
loving with JonBenet. Maybe I don't know much about this man. His
first sentence to me concerned my love for his daughter. It is as
if love is a very important emotion to him. I know that I loved his
daughter dearly.
You both did.
• Daxis
>
e
• Concerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email, no
7
000954
> Get the best prices on SSL certificates from Hushmail > https://
8
000955
Bennett, Tom
prom:
.ent:
To:
the mail I sent him last night - in which I decided to be very teasy with
him - has got this long response. Note the reference to the Shakespeare
Book store. Also that cops took away his photos of Jonbenet. Oh, and he
tells me he "loves" me....arrrrrrrrgh. m
Michael,
Your letter started off wonderfully. Unfortunately, you started trailing
off toward the end and never recovered from the one liners to my
paragraphs. There are definitely some serious issues in this letter that I
must address. I am very upset that you are receiving my letters sometimes
three days delayed. My manuscript was sent on Sunday and not something I
wanted to have floating around for days on end.
"The girls in the office somehow feel really cute. Let me share a little
secret with you, I've long had a thing about Asian women."
So you insist that I am in Asia. I am only attracted to little girls
myself so no women do anything for me. Thank you for sharing that with me.
I once knew a guy who was so crazy about Asian women. He vacationed in
Asia every chance he got.
"even if they are not to your particular taste - we all have out
iifferent preferences, and those should be respected."
I respect your preferences and feel so far that you respect my
preferences.
"What kinds of photos do you use in your classroom."
Though I know you won't respond to this, I will ask it anyway. Would you
like for me to send exact copies of the pictures hanging in my classroom?
"I hope they are already paying you"
No, I am not getting paid. I am getting screwed financially by adults
as is usually the case... Today, I completed my decor. My classroom is
beautiful...
""I love ballet.""
"That I already knew. You see, I do read your mails very
carefully."
That's good to know. I so love ballet and lovely little ballerinas. "I
must admit - and I seem to be in revealing mode tonight" You were? I
didn't gather that so much.
"Google The Oldham Chronicle, Lancashire, England, c'est moi,
monsieur, c'est moi."
You will have to be more specific than that. My search yielded some
genealogical information but I do not follow you.
1
000956
"Maria Callas singing Puccini is totally guaranteed to bring me to tears.
It feels weird, but it is the truth."
La Divina. You like opera? Reminds me of Philadelphia Story tarring
Tom Hanks. Do you recall the scene?
"Quick question: why do you think that little girls' knickers/ panties
are so arousing? what do they evoke?"
I collected them for years mostly from my little twelve year old friends
who would give them to me on the spot. I prefer the knickers of little
girls nine and under. They are delicate and erotic and touch all their hot
spots. I love the smell of them. It is also something submissive, I
believe, to worship the knickers of a child. They are just so pretty and so
fine. The knickers of my little girlfriends are the clothes of a pretty
doll. I also love pretty dresses and school uniforms. I also love pretty
buckles shoes. I love the clothes of little girls because they represent
the little girls who wear them. I used to gaze at the clothes of the seven
year old girl I lived with. You know the one - I told you about her but
that was in one my mails that you never answered. She was born in 1990? I
was with her one year after JonBenet died? I lived in her basement?
Michael, you miss the most important things...
Thank you for sharing what you did about the loss of your child. I do wish
you could ever trust me enough to talk to me about your own grief. You
never do, you know.
"There is no gravesite, which is part part of the issue. Someday i will
explain more."
Someday.... Gravesites are connection points. It is unfortunate
have no place to go and talk to your dead child. Boy or girl?
-hat
you
"Indeed i do, and that brings me to some practical questions that I wanted
to raise with you. We now have a very developed manuscript of
enormous importance and potential."
We??? Michael, you have lost me somewhere along the way. "I" have a very
developed manuscript. "I" have written it ALL. Please don't refer to MY
manuscript as "WE have a very developed manuscript."
"You need to give permission to start sending it out."
No until we get a few things straight. I thought we did until I read
this letter.
"I would do so with additional information, such as the introduction
which would be me writing about you, our connection, how i became
involved, convinced etc."
You will write an introduction and I have written the bulk of the book.
Let's put things in perspective because it has come to a head and must be
out in the open.
"I suspect that one question that would be raised is the issue of photos,
that is, are the one's of, for example, that you would wish to have of
JonBenet in the book, particular favourites and so on."
T have not a photo of JonBenet. I practically begged you for one photo of
her taken on Christmas morning - her last photo. You never sent it. It
wasn't that much to ask. If I must, I will do a search on the Internet for
photos of JonBenet though I really hate to do that. I want control over the
photos placed in the book about Daxis
2
000957
and JonBenet. After all, I am Daxis AND I speak for JonBenet, hence, you
have given me that right to choose. Of course, I want the last photo
taken of JonBenet to be placed in the beginning of part two. There is a
photo of her standing in front of her parents 'ping a salute with her
hand. She is wearing a hat. I want that
hoto in the book. I want a photo of her casket draped in flowers in the
book. I want a photo of her gravesite in the book. I will get a
collection of photos together and choose the ones I want. I once had my
own beautiful collection of photos of her grave that I took myself but
they were seized in the fucking police raid of one of my houses.
"We also need to think about what we might ask for in terms of an advance,
royalties, that kind of thing, and how the money would get to you"
That concerns me deeply. I don't want an advance if it diminishes the end
profits. Please don't take an advance on my book without my permission. If
there is to be an advance, I deserve to see some of it. I pray I can set up
a somewhat secret account in Switzerland.
"I know you've investigated Swiss bank accounts, not something
unfortunately I know much about. These are the kinds of boring
details that are nevertheless inevitable."
Boring? Are you kidding? This is about the story of my life. Can you
relate to that? I have no Swiss account at this point but will only tell
you that I cannot open an anonymous numbered account for less than
100,000 dollars U.S. I have a plan B for a smaller scale Swiss account
that would be attached to an alias name. I must know if I can merely
provide you with an account number for money transfers.
'BTW, you have said that you want to help John. Would you be open ,:o a
3 way split of profits from the book?"
No I would
not. Michael, this really opens up an array of emotions in me and
it is about time I air them. First, your suggestion is an indication that
you have no trust that I will give John Ramsey what I said I would give
him. I wanted to do that out of the kindness of my heart. You want a fixed
legal percentage which cheapens the intensity of a genuine gift that I
would have personally granted him. I am going to pay for JonBenet's funeral
among other things. Secondly, and most importantly, is the fact that I made
you an offer months ago to split the profits of this book 50/50 when you
indicated to me that YOU would be writing the book based on my emails.
Well, you NEVER DID write that book. I wrote my own account and I did it
well. You have written nothing so far and when you do, it will be an
introduction only and will not be 50 percent of the book. In light of the
fact that I have written my OWN book, I deserve more than 50 percent AND I
also deserve more than 50
percent because I will be giving part of my profits to John Ramsey an offer you have never made regarding your 50 percent. That said, you
are now asking me to accept 33.3 percent of the profits from a book that
bears MY NAME and is my life story along with an event that happened in MY
life and the life of MY lover, JonBenet. Without ME, there would be NO
book. I am trying to be noble and do the right thing toward a man who
refuses to speak to me. That takes a hell of a lot on my part. It is enough
that I will be exonerating his wife and him of the murder of their
daughter. Giving a portion of my profits to him is beyond that. Yes, you
will be helping me find a publisher but I could just as well find my own
publisher and take 100 percent of the profits and you know it. You might
consider chat you will be promoting this book with your interviews but I
dare say it needs no promotion. It will sell itself. I could say more about
John Ramsey's plight but I will remain silent. I could say a lot more but I
think I'd better stop while I am ahead. I
000958
3
will say this, I will NOT give permission to you to proceed at all until we
get the profit split straight. The bottom line is, I deserve more than 50
percent and you know it. Even if I was to give John Ramsey nothing, I would
deserve more than 50 percent of a book
bout ME and MY lover. Especially since I am offering part of my
at to John Ramsey and you are not, I deserve more than 50 percent. If you
have no trust in me that I will deliver what I promised, then you can share
YOUR cut with John Ramsey which is huge compared to your responsibilities
in the making of this book. Furthermore, I will retain 100 percent of the
film rights to my own story. I at least deserve that much. I trusted you,
Michael or else I would not have told you a damned thing. Don't let me down
now. The saddest thing about all this is that I, Daxis, wanted to give a
gift to JonBenet's family. it would have been given to them directly from
my hand. And you want to make it some business cut. That really takes the
emotion out of it. I'm quite upset about the whole matter and very hurt.
"when I have to be I can be brutal .- but that is a side of me i try to
keep hidden and under control."
If that's a warning to me, I will respond by saying, so can I, Michael. So
can I. My father would kill anyone who would screw him in business. I have
heard him say many times to those he did business with, "I don't even trust
my own mother." And I am my father's son and he was a fucking bastard to me
and everyone around him but he rarely got screwed.
"Spot on, Daxis, spot. If I believe something, nothing, absolutely nothing
will sway me."
We shall see...
'Actually I do because you have intimated it many times. Also, I seem to
recall from what Mike Sandrock said that the Shakespeare Book Store is
as really cheap place to live."
You do not have my permission to ever print that fact about me. While we
are on that, I MUST see anything you will be writing about me for the DAXIS
book. I slept in a bookcase in that store. That is how the mom in Bavaria
put it. It is free to stay there if you can prove that you are a writer.
You must never write that I stayed there as it is a very close knit little
community and the owner and his daughter, who know me intimately, would
recognize me in an instant.
"Ouch . '1
Yeah, very ouch.... It is extremely painful...
"And thank you for sharing. But be careful, some of these cosmetic
surgeries can go badly wrong. Don't go from handsome to scarred."
That was a hell of a deep revelation but you didn't get any of
possibly 5 percent. Thank you for your concern. I am concerned
something going wrong. I had a major surgery in the winter and
horrible at first but after six months, it is really nice now.
changed me a hell of a lot....
it about
it looked
That one
"I'll call you on the number you gave me last Saturday."
That is the number to call from now on. The older number is forever lead.
"I have no idea to be honest. We shall see."
Ok, Michael. You know you could convince John to talk to me if you 4
000959
really tried. It doesn't sound like you are really on top of it to me. You
can get pissed at me if you want to but don't you forget, I am the man who
pleaded to talk to JonBenet's mother for four years.
"He might wish he had talked to me someday when it is impossible .o make
any kind of contact with me.""
"And that of course is a very powerful argument for him talking to you. I
will press this point."
He doesn't give a damn about me. I will vanish, Michael. All of you will
see. I won't be around pleading for a connection or for a response to
something I have said that is so important. I have vanished before and I
will do it again. I plan on it. He's blowing it and he doesn't care.
""I could tell you more of my attraction to little girls.""
"Let's go there. I am fascinated by the way you articulate your
interest, of how you explain it in ways that most people are not privy
to."
I would be glad to talk about that anytime but I think you will be talking
business instead after this letter. I won't talk business with you on the
phone.
""She liked to wear nail polish. She loved red."" "She
did? I never knew that." She did what? Wore nail polish
or liked red?
"And I would like to hear more about your feelings for her, and the uestion of why her, why certain young girls and not others. And .Low you
get their erotic attention so quickly, if I read what you say correctly.
And as ever, be as open as you feel comfortable with being."
You read it correctly. why her? I described it best in my manuscript. I get
certain little girls' erotic interest quickly for several reasons. First,
it is nature at work. It is chemical. Certain little girls are attracted to
me for some reason or the other. I flirt with little girls and they flirt
back. They seduce me and I seduce them and then we sometimes end up having
sex. It is the most natural order of events known to humans. She is smart
and knows what she wants - and at that moment, she wants me. She can get
that from no other adult male because all the rest in her life are too
stupid to pursue this hot and sexy little girl.
""I wish she was going to be in second grade I could get close to her if
she was my student.""
"How would you do that?'
We would have time together. She would be close to me most of the day. I
could get to know her mother. I saw her with her mother from a distance on
her last day at school. I almost approached her but thought I would not
since I am not teacher. I am close to certain of my students. I attend to
their academic needs but also attend to their romantic needs. Otherwise, it
is almost impossible to gain access to the student of another teacher. I
will have no chance to even talk to
next year, which starts in two
weeks.
'"She is so receptive and highly interested in me as I am in her. Don't
worry, the words will flow - call and they will come....""
"Good."
5
000960
"Field of Dreams" - it was a film about baseball....
"That's where my opening account comes in." setter make it
intense.
"it is it occurs to me a biography of the two of us, two people who have
never met and yet have become so intimately involved. Amazing."
I could be much more intimate with you if you didn't have that British
male wall built high around you. why does it bother you so for me to say,
I love you? Didn't anyone ever tell you that when you were a child? It
could be so much more amazing but you keep me at a distance. Could you cry
to me about losing a little girl as I cried to you? How would you feel
afterwards if you did? I am so thankful I did that. I loved JonBenet
Ramsey more than I could ever express. I wish to God I could have married
that little girl. She understood me and is close to me even in death.
""It must perfect for JonBenet and her Daxis.""
"It will be perfect. I promise. You have my word. Nothing will come
between the world knowing of the love between you and JonBenet - a love
that was spiritutal, erotic, passionate, eternal."
That was beautifully worded. Thank you very much. I was referring to my
work that I made certain, was perfect in every way. what you just
described supercedes business arrangements. The love between JonBenet and
me supercedes the fact that her own father rejects communicaton with me.
I have JonBenet. I don't need her father especially if doesn't see any
value in needing me.
• Yes, I did have an idea of a few seconds that you might add to this
•
•
•
documentary. It just suddenly came to me one night. The camera
would slowly come in closer to JonBenet's gravestone. In the
background, poignant, funeral like orchestration, possibly just
one
•
lonesome chord could be played by the orchestra's string section in
• low tones. Audio of my efforts to revive JonBenet would be in the
• background - an actor's voice delivering my cries to JonBenet as
> I
•
desperately try to revive her - this with no audio effects. All
the
•
while, the camera is very slowly getting closer to her name on
her
•
•
•
•
gravestone, the music still playing. And then, all the audio
ceases, the camera tightly focused on the name "JonBenet" on the
gravestone. Immediately a little girl clearly whispers "DAXIS" as
the name DAXIS comes toward the camera and through the name
"JonBenet" then all fades out with the whisper of the little girl
6
000961
> echoing. All this would come at the very end of the documentary. I
am not sure where that came from but it was so clear to me one night.
Strange..
"A compelling final image."
No Michael, it was fucking hella. It was fabulous and all you have to say
is "compelling final image".
"We'd need a voice of a young girl that evoked JonBenet. That rules out ,
with her South African inflections."
I don't understand this part. How could be slated to play the part of the
little girl's voice? And you never mention the voice of Daxis. It is as if
I don't even exist in the scene I described. But I do, Michael. I am
talking up there.
"I truly, truly understand this. Our relationship has become consuming,
to be honest, and so NOT male. Don't you agree? maybe that is what you
saw in me from the beginning, for reasons that I did not see.
Fascinating."
This is the first time I have ever seen you in any way other than VERY
male. I agree that I am never male and cannot be in any relationship no
matter how much the MALE is trying to avoid it and no matter how much he
might complain about that fact. Are you saying that you wish to be closer
to me? I'm not gay, damn it. I am attracted to female children. But you
could learn more about me if you would allow yourself to get closer and put
away that "male
-hing" you talk about so much. Don't you find it boring?
"I will tell him how much you want to express your love for his
daughter, of how what happened was not meant to be. Of how you making
love to her, not trying to harm her. I think he will understand, just
as i did."
You think he will? I don't know about that. I gathered from his short
note of all times that he might understand my love or might be indicating
that he wants to understand it. I wonder if he was aware that he had a
sexy little girl for a daughter...?
""The sadness is, they never forgave me. They forgave the unknown. It is
much like you saying, "I love you" to the night. You will have cast your
intense emotion into a sea of nothingness. Surely you understand me.""
"That's a fascinating image, metaphor. And in a curious kind of way not how
you intended it to be."
No, that was profundity and intended to be just that.
"Would you like me to give him a copy? It would obviously be hard for
him, but at the same time might help bring the closure you so want for
him."
""I think I will make a deal with him that I will release my manuscript to
him if he gives me his personal e-mail address because it is totally
ridiculous that I do not have that. You have .is e-mail address and you
didn't even know his daughter.""
The above answered your question though you must not have read that part. I
might as well let you give my manuscript to him as he has no fucking plan
of ever letting me have his e-mail address. It's
7
000962
ridiculous. If you do, please listen carefully. I have asked you
over and over if the format of my manuscript comes through in
order. You NEVER respond to that. Anway, listen carefully: Open
the document in Microsoft Word for windows and print it from
there. The
'anuscript is beautifully formatted with headers. Do NOT give John
.amsey some crappy copy printed from a Mac computer. Go to a
PC with Microsoft XP and print it from Microsoft Word 2003 or
later. Ok? I guess you should present it to him when you meet
him next week since he will NEVER show me the decency to give me
his e-mail contact.
"I feel now, because of you, that I do know his daughter."
I am glad you feel that way. She was an incredible child. You
would have loved her had you met her. She loved to play and she
would have worn you out. You never would have been able to keep
up with her.
"All i can say is that i will do everything I can to persuade
him to open up a conversation with you."
Thanks but you don't sound at all hopeful. All I can say is,
What is the fucking deal?
"Would you also want to introduce your feelings about, for
example, ? "
This is beginning to make me really curious. You have brought
this up several times now. Why would you think he would want to
hear about ? I would love to tell him about her if he wanted to
hear about it. How would I bring her up? I love her but I have
loved others more intensely - like my lovely little European 8
year old who spoke only in sexy German.
"I believe he will ask me if I have asked for God's
forgiveness. I am not sure how to answer that. If I was honest,
I would reply, "Mr. Ramsey, I mostly worship your daughter and
she has forgiven me.""
"That would be important to him."
Are you sure? He worships
child - my deceased lover
to that? You are talking,
forgave me but there will
one God. I worship his deceased
and my Goddess. How would he react
of course, of the fact that JonBenet
be that "Goddess" premise.
""I have resigned myself to never having contact with either of
her parents. That hope died when Patricia passed away.""
"You know my position on this."
No, I don't know what you are talking about. The hope died when
her mother died. she cannot hear me now.
"Sometimes Daxis, and forgive my stating the obvious, patience
is a virtue, and you have been incredibly patient"
What did it profit me to be patient??? Everyone was so
complacent about the whole matter and my hands were tied as I
pleaded to talk to that mommy. It could have happened if I could
have gotten just a little support. I am so bitter about it.
'You will, I truly hope,hear John."
Totally ridiculous.... I have a good mind to shut the whole
thing down and refuse any contact. Maybe that will finally get
his attention and make him realize that he doesn't have a
hundred
8
00
0963
lifetimes to talk to me. I am offering him a valuable opportunity and he
is tossing it to the wind.
Lin Wood said that, on his final meeting with Patricia - a breakfast
two weeks prior to her death, Patricia said to him, "I
• hope those detectives out in Boulder find my daughter's killer
soon
•
•
•
because I am about to ****" If this happened, she never had any
belief that I took her daughter's life. It baffles me to think of
such a thing.
No response though so important...
"Yes, and that is why I used the Wuthering Heights image. It was a book
that massively influenced me because of it suggestion of profound intimacy,
connectedness, you and JonBenet, and at a lesser level, you and me.
profound intimacy."
Do you really feel a profound intimate connection with me? Thank you. I
shall treasure that. I have certainly shared a lot with you.
"Probably true" <<<<<< Your response to my outpouring about the horrors
of my plight as a lost soul wandering the earth.
"but I do understand emotional insecurity, which I hate which is probably
why there is this profound contradiction in my makeup bringing people
close in order to push them away, to see if they really want to be close,
totally untrusting."
lon't bring me close to push me away. It won't tell you if I want ..o be
close. It will only make me drop completely out of the picture. Instead,
let me know that you want to be close to me and I will assure you that I
want that. I already consider us to be close. But how long will this
beautiful new sentiment of yours last?
"In the immortal words of Philip Larkin, "They fuck you up, your mum and
dad." Mine did: my father by dying when I was four, my mother by
pretending he never existed. In there Daxis is somewhere else we are
connected. Do you understand what i am saying?"
Yes and I appreciate you saying something like this to me. My father did
not die but instead, still existed but abandoned me so he could make money
and screw women. My mum died when I was six so I never had one for the
rest of my life. But I want to understand more of what you are saying
because I think we are looking at something quite deep that you wish to
express to me but you can't seem to find the right words.
"Because I'm here and sharing feelings with you. I AM here."
Thank you, more than words can say. Sometimes I feel that strongly. At
other times, you are simply not there.
""You asked, "You would like me to make a documentary about you?" My
response is, no.""
"You'd be a great subject."
,,hank you. How would that work if you could not film me or use my voice?
I will also never give specific names of places other than Atlanta and
Jaguar XJ6.
9
000964
•
•
• I will leave you with this. I loved my sweet little JonBenet and
thought of her all day today. I was looking at my masterpiece
classroom and I said aloud, "Oh JonBenet, I wish you could see my
classroom and you would be one of my little students". I've been
a
•
•
•
second grade teacher so many times. I am lucky to be one again.
JonBenet is always smiling in my thoughts of her. She was a happy
little girl. I loved her so much. I wonder what it would be like
to
•
talk about JonBenet with her father. I would have given anything to
• talk about my darling girl with her mother. Now, that is
• impossible. For some strange reason, I thought of something >
Lucinda
•
•
•
•
Johnson said about John. She said he was very affectionate and
loving with JonBenet. Maybe I don't know much about this man. His
first sentence to me concerned my love for his daughter. It is as
if love is a very important emotion to him. I know that I loved
his
•daughter dearly. You
both did."
Wow. It always amazes me how short your responses can be to
something so intense and utterly beautiful.
Michael, this was one of your best mails to me. I wish they could all be
like this. Though parts of it upset me so much, other parts gave me a new
dimension of you - a different image of this man I have been divulging all
my secrets to. Are you no longer interested in part 3 and 4 of my book?
Talk to you Saturday?
P.S. My favorite magazine is Vogue Bambini. It is an Italian fashion
magazine that revolves totally around little girls. Please go to a well
stocked magazine rack in a bookstore near you and check it out. If you
want to know "my type", look at the lovely little models in that wonderful
magazine. Vogue Bambini - the magazine of choice for Daxis.
Daxis
10
000965
Bennett, Tom
From:
:ent:
ro:
Subject:
Lieberman, Marci
Bennett, Tom
RE: Copies of Digital Recordings
I will take care of it. I am presently digitally recording the ninth phone conversaton. Marci
From:
Sent:
To:
Subject:
Original Message
Bennett, Tom
Lieberman, Mard
Copies of Digital Recordings
Marci,
The FBI is requesting a copy of each of the 9 Digital Recordings of the telephone calls between
Michael Tracey and Daxis.
The FBI Behavioral Analysis Unit is requesting the recordings and have offered to assist us in
reviewing the recordings to offer thoughts on how to proceed with the possible interview with Daxis
and as a psychological profile.
Also, the Thailand FBI are requesting copies of the 9 Digital recordings for comparison to
voices captured on their listening devices used in monitoring other conversations and phone
calls.
So.... a total of 2 copies of each of the digital
recordings will be needed. Thank you for your
assistance.
Tom
00096
6
1
Bennett, Tom
From:
tent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Lieberman, Marci
Subject:
A
nother Request Marci,
Sgt. Cameron Rowe of the Roswell, Georgia Police Dept is a key member of the team assisting us
with the Daxis investigation.
He is requesting a copy of the 3 Voice Samples you and Andy prepared, for additional analysis with
the FBI Unit he is working with.
At your convenience, please prepare one copy of the Voice Exemplar Recording and I will ship it to
Sgt. Rowe.
Or.... can this series of voice exemplars be forwarded via E-mail attachment? I wasn't sure if the
content was too voluminous to send via E-mail.
Sorry we are dumping all these assignments
on you at once. Tom
1
Bennett, Tom
prom:
ent:
To:
this one is dripping with information. I thought it might be useful
to ask if his kids had to wear uniforms. they do. Also he says more
about living near the Ramseys. And you were spot on about the sex
change. m
Michael,
It was wonderful to talk to you on Saturday. We talked for one hour
sixteen minutes. Will you be calling again on Saturday? Sunday is
JonBenet's birthday. I dread it. I have no place to pray where I am
now. I cannot enter a grand cathedral and talk to JonBenet. But that
has been the case in the past.
"Let me also confirm that in relation to any monies from the sale
of the book the split is 80/20 in your favour."
Thank you very much, Michael. I am pleased with that.
"i think that there will be immense interest in the book It is not
only profoundly impacting in terms of the events of that night,
offering a totally revisionist explanation it also presents a very
different way of thinking about human sexuality. It will of course
be very controversial but then interesting and innovative books
*.ften are."
Thank you. I know it is controversial. It is about me so it would
have to be controversial. I appreciate that you have once again
brought up the importance of my idealogies on my sexuality and, more
importantly, the sexuality of certain little girls and how important
this will be to the understanding of that facet of human sexuality.
of course, I pray for the day when I might be somewhat accepted in
society as are gays and lesbians but I fear that will never be. It
is more my wish that someday little girls who are intellectually
advanced will be respected to make decisions about her own body.
That came close in Holland until some man kidnapped and starved his
little girl victims. But he had nothing to do with my sexuality or
the sexuality of little girls. This will sound ironic coming from
me, I suppose, but killers have nothing to do with little girl
lovers. You know JonBenet's death was accidental but others will
just view me as a straight out killer. I hope this book will be
published. I have such fears that something will go wrong. I am
working on Part Three now. I have written the basics of it already
and must now go back and revise and rewrite. I want to get this to
you in two weeks but I don't know if I can meet such a deadline. I
still do not know what to do about Part Four. Please get started on
your introduction now.
"Why would you think that I wouldn't respond to this suggestion."
I don't know, Michael. I'm a strange person. Maybe the word unique
is more appropriate. I didn't know if you would want copies of the
pictures I have on my wall at school. I will send them as file
attachments in a separate mail.
"I'f be extremely interested in seeing the kinds of pictures you
hang in your classroom, Ina way it might help in thinking about the
biographical portrait with which the book will begin. It would also
1
000968
be useful to understand how you decide which pictures to hang, what role
you see them playing with your students. Knowing just how meticulous and
what a perfectionist you are I imagine that you put a great deal of thought
into which ones to use."
_hank you again. Yes, I put a lot of thought into it. I also have a couple
of exotic car pictures hanging in my classroom mostly for the boys. You
will see that my decor is very much for the little girls. I don't mean to
exclude my little boys as they can be just as sweet as the girls. They are
important to me too. No, I am not attracted to them.
""My classroom is beautiful...""
"I imagine it is."
Thank you, Michael. I so wish you could see it....
"But why on earth aren't you being paid. That doesn't seem very fair. Did
you ask to be paid, or is that simply the way things are in your line of
work."
Simply the way things are in my line of work. I was nicely asked to come in
on two afternoons to decorate my classroom. I ended up going every day for
three weeks. It was partially my fault as my interior design flair took
over. I wanted it to be the best.
"I wanted you to get a sense of the kind of place I grew up."
I still don't understand about the Chronicles. Can you explain it
further? The only thing I get is a list of genealogical entries which
tells me nothing of where you grew up.
'BTW, I wanted to clarify something. In our phone conversation you seemed
to have got the impression that I didn't have a good relationship with my
grandfather. I actually did. he was very loving towards me as was my
grandmother."
I am sorry if I said anything that you might have construed as negative. I
was going on your description of the cold running water in the house. In
your mail from a few days back, you did not tell me what you have told me
here. And I might add that many very wonderful parents are not the most
loving of people with their children. I am glad you were loved. I just
noticed that you have seemed to pull away from me when I express
appreciation for you. For instance, I did just that in our last phone
conversation and you never even responded. But that was ok because what I
said was for you - not for me.
"In fact, and this may seem a strange thing to say, on the face of it my
childhood seemed perfectly fine. It wasn't until my late teens that I
realized that there were deep and harmful gaps. I suddenly realized that
there was not a single photo of my father on display, and that no one ever
spoke of him. It's very English working class - you deal with grief by
pretending it doesn't exist. So in never saying anything to me about my
father they thought they were
doing me a favour. They weren't."
Everyone has their own way of dealing with death. Maybe they thought
that, to bring it up at all, they would have to reveal to you the cause
of his death. Maybe they feared it would traumatize 'ou to know of the
way he died. Yes, they thought they were doing you a favor. It would have
been much more ideal if they had kept photos of him around for you to
see. It would have been better if they had told you all about your father
in his life. And if the trauma of how he died was a concern, that could
have waited until
2
000969
you were old enough to handle it. Either way, you would have
felt a painful absence in your life. No matter what they might
have said to you, you would still be looking back now and
saying, I did not have a father and I wanted one. I knew all
the terrible details
bout my mother's death. Had I not known, I would have still
missed _er.
""La Divina. You like opera? Reminds me of "Philadelphia"
starring Tom Hanks. Do you recall the scene?""
"No, what was it."
He was talking to his attorney in his apartment. His attorney
was actually against gays and was SO male. In the middle of
the talk, Hanks turns up the music which is an opera. As he
stands with his intervenous drip by his side, he describes in
English what the opera singer is singing in Italian. He is in
somewhat of a dance. He feels intense emotion. He acts out
every part. He cries. His attorney sits formally but cannot
help but be interested. After it is all over, the attorney
says a trite, "I have to go but we should finish this
paperwork tomorrow." The attorney walks out and then returns
to the door to knock, as if he feels he should respond to
Hanks' outpouring. But he never knocks and goes away with his
male pride intact.
"I'm assuming that the kids in your
uniforms. That is normal throughout
are they like? I'm actually a great
having to wear uniforms. I can also
them erotic."
school have to wear
much of the world. What
believer in school kids
imagine that you find
Yes, my little girls wear uniforms. In every school I have
taught in outside the states, kids wear uniforms. I am an
avid supporter of school uniforms. I have been in charge of
uniforms to a certain
.egree in schools past. I plan to design the uniforms for the
girls .n the school I will open with the money from the book.
In America, I recall doing a speech at my university about the
advantages of school uniforms. It was actually taken as quite
controversial there in the U.S. Yes, I find certain school
uniforms to be sexy. Some are not. The uniform at the new
school looks very different. It is like a little pretty dress
with a belt. It is a one piece thing. It's very Australian. I
have not seen any little girls in it yet. I will let you know
what it does for me.
""I also love pretty buckles shoes.""
That was supposed to be "buckle" and not "buckles". I love
shoes because I know what is inside them - those hot little
feet I want to kiss and lick.
""I used to gaze at the clothes of the seven year old girl I
lived with. You know the one - I told you about her but that
was in one my mails that you never answered. She was born in
1990? I was with her one year after JonBenet died? I lived in
her basement? Michael, you miss the most important
things...I'll
"I remember you writing about her, but what was it that
I was missing?"
Oh, I just happened to have some of the most intense emotions
for this little girl of all the little girls I have ever
known, with the exception of JonBenet. She was JonBenet's age.
I lived with her just a year after JonBenet's death. And I do
not mention her in my )ook because she is one of my greatest
secrets. Yes, Micheal, you nave been missing a hell of a lot
about this little girl. I loved her so much.
""I have not a photo of JonBenet. I practically begged you for one
3
0
00970
photo of her taken on Christmas morning - her last photo.""
"I will get it scanned and send it to you. i'm sorry about this, it
completely slipped my mind."
_hank you. You mean you have the original picture? I would give anything
for that. Please make sure the scan is in the highest resolution. Just tell
the people scanning it that you need the best resolution as the scan will
be used to make photographic duplicates. I would really appreciate that
photo. Again, it is the last photo taken of JonBenet alive. It was featured
in your documentary. Bill Curtis announces, "THIS is the last photo taken
of JonBenet alive." She is standing next to her mother. She looks exactly
as she did on the night we were together. Of course it was taken less than
24 hours prior to my being with her that night. It is the prettiest and
sexiest photo of JonBenet. I want it.
"The photos you refer to below are obviously appropriate."
Thank you. I have much more to say about the photos. It is painful for me
to see photos of JonBenet. It will be horrible for me to see them on the
Internet but I suppose I must so that I might convey the photos I want you
to publish. Also, some books have photos stuck in the middle of the book
and not scattered among the pages. I am not sure which I would prefer but I
think I am more prone to wanting them spread throughout the book with
captions that I will write.
"Why would the police take your photo collection? Was this in
relation to the investigation of the 12 year old?"
Again, Michael, I was investigated in several states for several
alleged crimes ranging from the murder of a 12 year old to child
iolestation. The investigations were conducted simultaneously. At
east two of my homes were turned upside down. I believe one other home I
left behind was also searched but I cannot confirm that as I did not return
to it prior to leaving the U.S. This home was 3,000 miles from my departure
point at the time. I say police but it was not police - they were sheriff
detectives and people from the district attorney's office with a squad of
searchers, I assumed due the enormity of the mess they left. I was not even
present at the time. I returned home to find my house in shambles. They
took everything. They took undeveloped film as well. On those rolls, I had
taken photos of 755 though I think they were too stupid to recognize where
the photos were taken. They even took my music CDS. They seized my
computers. It was a nightmare. I can understand why Michael Jackson did not
want to live on his Neverland Ranch again after his house there was invaded
by law enforcement.
"No, I just hate doing paper work. You life is fascinating,
paperwork is not, at least not for me."
Thank you, Michael. I hope it continues to be fascinating. I can make it
even more fascinating once that book is published. This is when I can do
wonderous things with the money.
""This is about the story of my life. Can you relate to that?""
"I'm sure what you mean by relate here. I have tried hard to
understand your life"
Just disregard this now. Everything has been solved now. I was asking
how you would feel about the story of your own life. You nave set my
mind at ease about how my story will be handled. I trust you now more
than ever.
"We dealt with this yesterday and you seemed to be happy with my 4
000971
80/20 suggestion."
Yes I am happy. Please continue to protect my best interest. I am far away
from the U.S. and won't be able to look out for myself. I
-ill depend on you to help me with that since I will be writing .his
book in absentia.
"i appreciate that you want to help John and respect that. How much do you
think you will give him."
I honestly don't know. It will be something good. The first thing I will do
is pay for JonBenet's funeral. Someday in the near future, I want to ask
him what the costs were. I would like to see the invoices just to feel a
closeness to JonBenet - to feel like I was there and helped arrange her
funeral. I need that so much in light of the way I left her - in light of
everything. I have thoughts on how I will deliver the money to him for her
funeral. I would prefer a personal delivery to him in cash with a heartfelt
letter that states exactly what the money is paying for. For some strange
reason, I want the world to know about it. I could also keep it a secret.
After that, I have a range of ideas for John. One is to set up an offshore
account for him in his name. One is to set up a house for him outside the
U.S. where he can live out his life in peace. But this all depends on how
much money the book makes. The extent of my help for John also depends
hugely on the film that might follow. I am still impressed that you were
also thinking "Johnny Depp". I'll do John right, Michael. Don't worry. I
loved his daughter very much.
I also have other responsibilities - mainly to my biological children. I
wish to set up separate trust finds for them - offshore of course, that
they will access once they turn 21. I must give my own children something
substantial. I must also make sure that my 'wn life is set up. I must take
care of myself. Although I might 4ant to give all my money away, I can't
abandon myself and forfeit my own future. The first thing I want to do is
to find an old mansion or house. If it is not already grand, I can make it
grand. I know how to do things like that as I have done it in the past with
my homes in the U.S. I want to then set up a school for girls in this
place. I must make sure I am secure. Finally, I want to buy a burial plot
as close to JonBenet as possible and make funeral arrangements for myself
in advance.
"I'm sorry you were upset and I can see now how I may been overly
clinical and cold in the way I made my proposal. I think however that the
issue is now resolved."
Thanks to you, it is resolved. Thank you very much. I feel totally
different now.
"Of course it wasn't a warning to you. Why I want to do that after all
this time and the excellent rapport that we now have."
When I read that you were brutal in your mails, I didn't know who you
were talking to. I am glad we have an excellent rapport. I think our
rapport got even better after our talk on Saturday.
"He sounds like a hard and difficult man."
My father can be very hard and difficult. We parted on the telephone. He
was brutal with me. I recall pleading with him to help me. He would not. I
told him I loved him. He said, "That ioesn't mean a damned thing to me." He
turned on me. Knowing him, ae has probably suffered greatly over that last
conversation. He is also a man who can cry. I think he now regrets that
last conversation very much. I know I do. But I can say at least that I was
not the one being horrible to him. He was being horrible to me
5
000972
as I begged for his help and kept telling him that I loved him. I am
thankful for that on my part. It was horrible how we parted. And I have
never shared that with anyone.
Spot on, Daxis, spot. If I believe something, nothing, absolutely
..othing will sway me."
""We shall see...""
"Indeed we shall."
I am sorry I said that. I believe you. I believe you will present my book
with unwavering strength. You'll need it.
"I must admit that one the most amazing things about yesterday's
discussion was your revelation that you told the mom you were having sex
with her 8 year old daughter and she was OK with it."
I actually wrote about that to
you
in the past.
"You and I both know that the reaction of most mothers would have ben
very different."
No Michael, I don't know that. In my life, that is not how moms are. For
example, the girl of ten or twelve written about in the book, had a
mother who practically handed her daughter over to me once she turned 13,
for months before she came and picked her up from my house. Amazing? Yes.
But we are talking about Daxis - to some moms, a charming Prince. You
just don't know who you are dealing with.
"Why do you think she reacted in that way."
'hat mom reacted that way because she loved me dearly herself. She .ias
proud that her eight year old daughter had attracted a handsome young
Prince. Moms want their daughters to have elaborately fantastic things in
their lives. I was like a gift to her daughter. Also, that mom was in love
with me. She wanted to have sex with me. I turned her down and she reacted
very negatively. We wrote a bit after she practically asked me to leave her
house. A few months went by and she shut down her e-mail address. It hurt
me really bad. As a matter of fact, I am a bit worried about her
recognizing me in the book. You see, I told her about a little girl in
America who died - a little girl I loved dearly. I never told her the name
but I once sent a mail to her with the username "b90d96" If she knew
anything at all about JonBenet, she would link that together. She never
responded to me again after receiving an e-mail from that account. Once, we
were going for a walk and, out of the blue, she said, "You know, I think
you killed that little girl in America and you are running for your life
now." She wasn't upset about it. I reacted, "What on earth would make you
think that?" She responded, "I don't know. I just have this gut feeling." I
lived with her for weeks after that. Sometimes I think I'd better not
mention her daughter in this book. What do you think?
"I'd also very much like to hear more about the girl. And again, be as frank
and open as you feel able t be."
I am writing about her for the manuscript. I was in love with her. Having
sex with her was fantastic but I wanted so much more. Ask me anything you
want.
'OK, let's agree, no mention of the bookstore." Thank
you.
"So why do it. Is the beginning of a long term plan to completely 6
000973
change your identity, who you are, maybe even your gender,
or is that going too far?"
No, Michael. You are not going too far. Would you still respect me
f I told you that you are correct? The first operation I had
.nsured that I would no longer produce testosterone. To
further this change, I now undergo hormone replacement
therapy. In other words, I take a synthetic estrogen. I will
be changing my gender in a year's time, if all goes well. The
procedure on my face is to remove hair. I am not getting
facial reconstruction since the drastic change of my sex
along with makeup and new hair, (a transplant operation is on
the agenda) will change my appearance enough without
dangerous facial cosmetic surgery. I might someday get my
eyes done and will probably get breast augmentation surgery.
I will then be required to change my name and my sex on my
passport and other documents which will involve a court
ordered name change. Although I know all the ins and outs of
that, I still have not figured out how to do this one safely
due the fact that it requires returning to the U.S. So now
you know why I am so NOT male. You must never divulge my
plans to anyone. I am sure it will change how you think of
me. Maybe it was a big mistake to share that with you. I am
not changing my sex solely to vanish. It is something I have
wanted to do all my life. But it could never come at a more
opportune time when changing my identity is advantageous to
me. So, you and John Ramsey had better meet me while I am
Daxis, if you know what I mean... He will still be deep inside
and he will still be JonBenet's Prince.
"I will
town on
can you
sharing
try this week. At the moment he is coming into
Wednesday. All i can say is, we shall see. And
confirm that you are definitely OK with my
the manuscript with him?"
'specially after reading your question, I have decided NOT
to have you give him a copy of it. Instead, you may take your
copy, place it before him and let him thumb through it. Tell
him that if he wants a copy, I will personally send it to him
at his personal email address. I think you believe that
giving my manuscript to him is not something I should do.
Help me to make the right decision. I am asking for your
advice. Should I allow you to give John a copy of Part One
and Two? Please, give me your best advice.
•
He doesn't give a damn about me. I will vanish, Michael.
All of you
• will see. I won't be around pleading for a connection or for a
• response to something I have said that is so important. I have
• vanished before and I will do it again. I plan on it. He's
blowing
•
it and he doesn't care.
At least now you know what I am talking about....
"Actually i think that you will agree that our conversation
was excellent. I think that this is because you got through
the terribly difficult process of telling me about her
death. You seem more relaxed now. Even our discussion of
business was amicable."
ies, it was a wonderful discussion. That was partly because of you.
Yes, I feel relieved that we are past that difficult time.
You never made me feel any regret for having shared it
with you. You
didn't press me for more information which meant a lot to me. You 000974
7
have my respect for that. I felt very relaxed but I kind of
felt self-conscious about possibly being too relaxed. You
got to see my more comical side which really makes me
uncomfortable in light of the person who binds us together.
I don't deserve to laugh anymore ''ut JonBenet would want
it. In my heart, I know that we should have .nly talked
about her. And I cry as I write this because that is what we
should always only talk about... God, I miss her so much. My
precious JonBenet..
""She did what? Wore nail polish or liked
red?"" "Both."
Yes, she loved red and she loved wearing nail polish. She
loved being like her mommy. That's why she smelled like
her mommy that night.
"You said yesterday that you had been "around" 1500 young
girls. What percentage though, what number, would you have
had sex with. You suggested I think in a previous mail that
the actual number was quite small."
So small that the word percentage does not apply. I would
love to have had sex with all 1500 to 2000 but such was not
the case. We simply don't live in an era, with all its
social mores, that is conducive to the possibilities of
having sex with that many little girls.
""It is the most natural order of events known to humans.
She is smart and knows what she wants - and at that moment,
she wants me. She can get that from no other adult male
because all the rest in her life are too stupid to pursue
this hot and sexy little girl.,,
"Are you referring here generically to the "sexy little
girl," or ine in particular?"
The former and the latter. It applies to all sexy little
girls in general and the ones I have had sex with.
""I will have no chance to even talk to
year, which starts in two weeks.""
next
"Actually, I can't imagine that if you put your mind to it
you couldn't get close to her. You obviously have
exceptional skills in this area."
Thank you. I can actually be quite cautious in some ways.
However, (and this is a big however), based on my past, I
have been known to find a way... I don't know yet how to get
close to hot little
I want her but pesky adults will likely keep her from
me. If she was my student, keeping her from me would be
impossible.
"I will, and by the way Field of Dreams is one of my
favourite movies for obvious reasons and I don't mean the
baseball which I am clueless about."
Hear, hear - I am also clueless about baseball! Telling me that you
love the film tells me a lot about you. The central
character believed in something others doubted. Maybe this
applies to your relationship with me. We shall see how many
people you will need to convince that I was JonBenet's
Daxis. The book will speak volumes but you will be the
physical voice that will respond to doubt. ''ou've done it
for years on behalf of the Ramseys when doubters paced off
with you. The film is a story about magic. I think that is
one aspect of Daxis that attracts you. It is also a story of
a man with an incredible dream that comes true because he
never gives
up and never loses faith. Even when the world around him thinks he
000975
8
has gone mad, he holds on to what he believes is real. It
is a story of a man who has experienced an epiphany - what
I hope you experienced when I revealed JonBenet's Daxis.
"'It could be so much more amazing but you keep me at a
distance."" "How so. Tell me more."
Well, my revelation of my future identity is one example.
There is so much you do not know about me, Michael. It is
unbelievable how little you know of me in light of how much
I have shared.
•
•
•
This is the first time I have ever seen you in any way other than
VERY male. I agree that I am never male and cannot be in any
relationship no matter how much the MALE is trying to avoid it
an• d
•
•
no matter how much he might complain about that fact. Are you
saying that you wish to be closer to me? I'm not gay, damn it. I
am
•
attracted to female children. But you could learn more
about me if
•
•
you would allow yourself to get closer and put away that "male
thing" you talk about so much. Don't you find it boring?
"Indeed, so, as I wrote above, tell me more about your
thinking on `his, "
It's like making a great film. If the director can make the
actor feel really comfortable, the film can be so fantastic
because that actor feels totally comfortable to be as
expressive as possible without any fear that he will be
rejected or thought ridiculous by the director. In this
case, I am not an actor and the film is my real life. If you
can set the stage, I can express myself in ways
unimaginable. If you cannot set the stage and if I feel I
will be rejected, I will recoil. That is the bases for my
response to little girls especially. I set the stage so that
she feels comfortable to express herself - and oh how she
expresses herself with me.
""I wonder if he was aware that he had a sexy little girl
for a daughter...?""
"I can't imagine he wouldn't want to understand more" That would be
mighty big of him.
"though i suspect that fathers on their daughters as "sexy."
the whole don't readily think of
how he felt about his own
how open-minded he is. It might an
answer to EVERY aspect of my
It would depend on the father and
daughter. It would also depend on also
depend on how badly he wants relationship
with his daughter.
i did know her. She is certainly a i
guess will be so forever. I have turned
into an unexpected aspect
"That's true but I now feel that
*onstant presence in my life and no
problem with that, but it has of my
life."
000976
9
I appreciate your feelings about knowing my little girl. May I ask a
question? Do you love her? I have another question but I will ask this one
for now. My comment was about your possession of her father's e-mail
address and about my lack thereof. I thought, since
knew his child and was with her to the end, I should deserve the
.ourtesy even more than you.
"I use MS Word and it looks excellent when i print it out. Do you
honestly think I'd give John a "crappy copy."
No Michael. I am sorry that I worded it in such a way. I just wanted to
make sure the format was coming through correctly because changing OS
platforms can reek havoc. I had asked this in the past but never got your
response.
"what was the German girl called?"
gHer mother is British yet never taught her a word of English.
Her father is German. You must never tell anyone what her name is. I can't
believe I just told you her name. Sometimes I called her Jenny. I loved
more than I can tell you. She ave me a
precious gift - her ove; her sex.
""What did it profit me to be patient??? Everyone was so complacent about
the whole matter and my hands were tied as I pleaded to talk to that mommy.
It could have happened if I could have gotten just a little support. I am
so bitter about it.""
"I know you are and i'm sorry you feel that way." Thank
you.
"I have no idea whether Patsy said that at all, and I find it iifficult
to imagine her using the term you spell as *****. You .gave to
understand that Lin Wood is very theatrical and i can imagine him
making something like that up for dramatic effect."
He is the main reason I changed my mind about giving a copy of my
manuscript to John. If I knew John would treasure my manuscript and keep it
a secret from anyone, I would want you to give it to him in person. But I
do not know that is what John will do with it. I am sorry I have a trust
issue with John. I hope someday, he and I will be intimate friends. I pray
that Patricia never said anything like that to Lin Wood. Strangely, I
probably would allow Patricia to have my manuscript in an instant. I feel
guilty that I cannot feel that way about John. I don't know what to do
about releasing my manuscript. I must resolve it as soon as possible.
Please check your mail prior to going to your meeting with him. I also wish
to have you give my note to him that should have been given to him at
Patricia's funeral. I might try to write a special letter to him for
delivery at your meeting.
•
•
•
•
"but I do understand emotional insecurity, which I hate which is
probably why there is this profound contradiction in my makeup
bringing people close in order to push them away, to see if they
really want to be close, totally untrusting."
• Don't bring me close to push me away. It won't tell you if I want
• to be close.
"But you indicated above that you did. which is it?"
I have always wanted to be close. I was merely responding to what YOU
said.
10
000977
""But how long will this beautiful new sentiment of yours
last?"" "As long as you wish it to be."
hank you. You know I would like for it to continue
for the .uration.
> Thank you, more than words can say. Sometimes I
feel that >
strongly.
> At other times, you are simply not there.
"I know, sometimes life is full of complex
contradictions." Then you turned right around and
wrote this....
"Is this a reference to the Jag you were in in the driveway.
And by the way, I was amazed that Paces Ferry is in your
former neighbourhood, unless i misheard."
Yes, I was speaking of my Jag in the Ramsey's drive in
Atlanta. Patricia, I believe, painted a little picture of a
Magnolia that hung at the entrance of the home. My family
owned a home near the Ramsey's home. We were in the same
zipcode. I could have attended Lovett and would have not
traveled far to get to school. The plantation of my
grandmother was NOT close to the Ramsey's home. It was far
away. The Ramseys lived in Vinings and my family's other home
was in a neighborhood adjoining Vinings. Understand? I was so
close to them for years and they didn't even know it. I wish
they had found me at JonBenet's grave on one of my visits.
just spent several hours with this mail. I am getting
stressed about completing the book. I must continue to write
it carefully even though time is of the essence. I must
complete the bulk of it prior to August 15th when school
commences. At that point, I will have to get up at four in
the morning. I have done a lot of writing since we talked
this weekend.
I must make a decision of whether I want you to share my
manuscript with John Ramsey. Please advise me. Please check
and respond to my mails closely in the next few days prior to
your meeting.
Daxis
000978
11
Bennett, Tom
From:
ent:
To:
Bennett, Tom
Tom, here is his detailed description of the classroom. He
is deliberately describing it in this detail for a purpose.
I was also wondering whether when I email him in reply I
should include something along the lines of:
"...thanks for your wonderful mail today and the beautiful
photos. I can see how dedicated you are as a teacher. I was
also thinking about your description of the little girls
uniforms. You probably don't know this but I was educated in a
Catholic grammar school. It was all boys but we were closely
associated with a Catholic girls' school, and one of the
abiding images of my youth is their uniform which was a
patterned dress, grey, and with a blue jacket. Curious the
things we remember. They weren't allowed to have shiny shoes
though because the nuns thought that boys would be able to
look up their dresses. But that's nuns for you. And for some
strange reason I can imagine that you would want to teach in a
Catholic since there is an important religious theme to much
that you say. And your great hero, Charles Dodgeson was high
Protestant which in England is basically the same as being
Catholic. Anyhow, just a few musings...." What do you think?
If he by some miracle came back with the comment that it is a
Catholic school, you've got him. m
Michael,
I hope you received my earlier, very large mail today. You
asked to see what was hanging on my walls in my second grade
classroom and I am sending that. Remember that I posterized
each of these photos after they were editing in Photoshop
and painstakingly seamed each panel together by trimming and
gluing some that were eight panes per poster. The posters in
my entrance all are 18 x 24.
Ballerina - is beautiful and is hanging in my entrance hall
in view from my desk so that I can look at her every day.
She represents my love for ballet and my blatant admission
of it in my classroom.
Monet's Garden - hangs in my entrance hall and represents
my love for fine paintings and my life in Europe.
Little Red school House - hangs in my entrance hall and
represents the ideal school from the pages of history. I
so love the image of such a school.
Time with mom - hangs in my entrance hall and represents the
loving bond of mother and child. In this case, the child is
a boy. I love moms and wanted to express that with this
painting.
Mitsuoka Sportscar - hangs in my entrance hail and
represents my love for exotics. It is also for the boys.
Ferrari Enzo - hangs on one of the main walls just beside
my desk. In my classroom, it is outlined with my last
name. Again, it represents my love for exotic cars and is
also for the boys. I had :o pleasure of seeing a Ferrari
Enzo here in person at my friendly Ferrari dealership.
They sold it for 2 million dollars.
Boy in Cap - hangs on my main wall underneath a 13 foot long banner
1
000979
entitled, Second Grade. This one is for the boys. A Kim
Anderson original.
Little Girl Sprawled - hangs on my main wall underneath a 13
foot 'ong banner entitled, Second Grade. A lovely little girl
with her .egs in the air. A Kim Anderson original.
Little Girl Sitting with Rose - hangs on my main wall
underneath a 13 foot long banner entitled, Second Grade. She is
so cute. A Kim Anderson original.
Little Girl Standing with Rose - hangs on my main wall
underneath a 13 foot long banner entitled, Second Grade. A
lovely little blonde. A Kim Anderson original.
Little Girl Lying with a Rose - hangs on my main wall
underneath a 13 foot long banner entitled, Second Grade. She is
lovely. A Kim Anderson original.
These photos will change over the course of the school year. I
want to someday place pictures on my walls from Vogue Bambini
but the magazine costs over 12 dollars U.S. here. I have tried
to place as many pictures of lovely little girls on my walls
without being too obvious that they are the objects of my
affection and they are the lovely children I so wish to see on
my walls most of all. Seeing these photos cannot give you an
idea of how elaborately decorated my classroom is. For instance,
I decorated my entrance walls with bright colored paper covered
with colliding triangles and circles. In my main room, I have
decorated the background with a huge diagonal rainbow pattern
that extends from the ceiling to the floor. On two columns in
the main room, I have decorated with flowers and have placed
lovely signs in cursive writing above the flowers with
inspirational messages I created. There are several Banners in
my classroom including one that is 13 feet long saying,
Second Grade". There is a 9 foot banner in my entrance hall
saying, "Welcome to Grade Two". I wish you could see my
beautiful classroom but now you have an idea.
Daxis
Concerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email,
no account required
000980
2
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Tuesday, August 01, 2006 3:57 PM
Bennett, Tom
Tom, here is what I just sent to my best buddy. One thought with regard to
mark's idea of pretending to be John on the phone. I noticed that in the
email, when Daxis is referring to the last photo, he writes that in the
documentary, Bill Curtis, who introduced it and did the voice over, says:
" THIS is the last..." In other words Daxis noted the emphasis. I'm
convinced he's watched the video many times, which means he's heard John's
voice many times. I'm also still not convinced that Daxis didn't know the
Ramseys. Your call obviously, but I think it is worth one more think
through before Mark gets on the phone. But let's hope that that will not be
necessary anyhow as you get to read Daxis his rights. m
Daxis, thanks for this. As ever it was good to hear from you. On
Aug 1, 2006, at 11:10 AM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
• • I have written you several times over the past two days. I hope you
• have received my mails. Maybe you will respond....
In particular thanks for your wonderful mail you sent yesterday and the
beautiful photos.I can see how dedicated you are as a teacher. I was also
thinking about your description of the little girls uniforms. You don't
know this but I was educated in a Catholic grammar school. It was all boys
but we were closely associated with a 7atholic girls' school, and one of
the abiding images of my youth is their uniform
which was a patterned dress, grey, and with a blue jacket. Curious the
things we remember. They weren't allowed to have shiny shoes though because
the nuns thought that boys would be able to look up their dresses. But
that's nuns for you. And for some strange reason I can imagine that you
would want to teach in a Catholic since there is an important religious
theme to much that you say. And your great hero, Charles Dodgeson was high
Protestant which in England is basically the same as being Catholic.
Anyhow, just a few musings. I did however think that the photos were
terrific, and the one's of the young girls simply gorgeous. Am I right in
thinking that one of them you sent me a couple of years ago. I have it in
my files, but anyhow appreciate you sending it again. The photos, and your
mail describing them will do very much what I was hoping they would do in
assisting my writing of the biographical portrait. One of the things that
comes through most strongly is just how much you adore beauty, whether it
be the stunning young girls, or the extraordinary cars - one quick thought,
if the book does as well I think it will you will be able to buy a Ferrari!
But truly, they are the embodiment of your core being, perfect and
flawless. I can now see why you wrote about that last photo of JonBenet:
"It is the prettiest and sexiest photo of JonBenet. I want it." It is
indeed gorgeous, and is one of my most treasured possessions. Patsy herself
handed it to me when we were making the first documentary so in a curious
kind of way it literally as well as metaphorically has her imprint on it.
I've tried to scan it here but the result is not very good. I was thinking
of how I might get a better scan done, but then I had a thought. You have
shared so much with me why don't I share this photo with you, that ~.s,
send you the original. Would you wish for that? You certainly .ieserve it.
I have noticed that one of the results of our communications is that I have
become much more reflective about my own identity and emotional make up. if
you are not careful you'll be turning me into a
000981
1
sensitive guy, and wouldn't that be a change. I think though that this is
why I mentioned my childhood, and how much it was scarred, not because of
any evil that I faced but because of the unintended consequences of well
meaning actions by my mother and my whole Family. There is something in the
voice of Callas that brings the )ain to the surface - La Mamma Morta.... oh
my God, instant tears. And so yes I was intrigued by your reference to
"Philadelphia" and rented it. I was totally blown away. Hanks is
incredible.
Why do you find it so
powerful? You describe the scene well, but what is it that clearly reaches
deep down inside you?
•
•
•
•
•
•
That is not why I am writing. I am writing because I have written a
two page letter to John that I need you to deliver to him on
Wednesday. I am very worried that you will not check your mail
today or on Wednesday morning prior to your meeting. I cannot send
the letter yet as I still have not decided whether I will release
my manuscript to him.
I will be meeting John possibly tomorrow but if not then definitely
Thursday. So send me the note, and let me know what you wish to do about
the manuscript. My feeling is that it will be as hard for him to read as it
was for you to write. It is a gut wrenching piece of literature, powerful
and poignant at the same time. But just as you had the courage to write it
I believe that John has the courage to read it. In my meeting with him,
what else would you like me to say? I think I have a good sense of your
needs in relation to him, but I want to make sure that i have everything as
you wish it would be. As ever, I can't promise what his reaction will be to
talking to you, but I will do my best. And I've decided that I will call
you on Thursday evening, if that's OK with you. Why don't we say about 8pm
Boulder time. Two reasons: a) I'm sure you will be eager to hear about the
conversation just as soon as you can; b) it now looks as if 7 will be out
of town this weekend, helping a friend - she's very .;ute, if you catch my
drift - and I'm not sure that it would be proper to call you from her
house.
• Please don't go to that meeting without this
• important two page letter that I want him to have? You will receive
• it either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. Though I get the
• feeling you are not going to respond to my mail entitled
• "Revelations", please write to me about this.
I will respond, of course. BTW, when I was telling you about my childhood
in Oldham -- which is a rather down at heel Victorian former cotton mill
town - I was referring to the local newspaper The Oldham Chronicle, and
Oldham is in Lancashire, England. And you might also like to know as I
reveal ever more about myself to you, that it is on the edge of the
Pennines, a range of hills that are desolate and that provided the location
for Wuthering Heights. As a boy I loved to catch a bus and go hike in the
Pennines. It remains one of my most compelling memories of being young and
had the huge benefit that I could be alone with my thoughts, without
feeling too sad. Looking forward as ever to talking to you.
Michael
• • Daxis
•
•
https://wwu,.hushssl.com?1=485
2
000982
3
000983
crom:
Sent:
To:
Wednesday, August 02, 2006 10:20 AM
Bennett, Tom
Dear Michael,
First, attached is a letter that I ask you to print and present to John
Ramsey in person. You have my permission to read the letter. Please make
sure it prints out nicely.
Secondly, after a great deal of thought, I have decided to release ONLY
PART TWO - "JonBenet's Daxis" to John Ramsey. Please make sure that PART
TWO begins with the TITLE PAGE that states: Written by Daxis / Copyright
2006 / No part of this written work may be reproduced in any form without
the consent of the author, Daxis. Please ask John to promise you that he
will not let another living soul view this written account. At that point,
you may release ONLY PART TWO - "JonBenet's Daxis" to John.
Lastly, after you hand PART TWO - "JonBenet's Daxis" to him, tell him of
the intensity of my verbal accounts of the events of that night that you
witnessed, live. That is so important to me.
You asked what I wish for you to say to John. First, please leave off your
talks about me until you have squared away your talks about the
documentary. Though I wish for you to only release PART TWO to John, I want
you to allow him to see PART ONE while you are with him but do NOT release
part one to him. Take back PART ONE. This will allow him to see how serious
I am. Also, please tell him .;hat PART ONE explains so much about me as a
person - about my past and present, and would be most valuable for him to
have knowledge of. Please also convey to him, in your own words and
feelings, why you think it is important for him to talk to me.
Thank you so much for helping me. I loved your letter and I am off to
respond to it but I want to get this to you immediately. Thank you,
Michael. Please confirm the receipt of this mail and its attachment
immediately.
Page I of 3
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu]
Sent: Wednesday, August 02, 2006 10:22 AM
To: Bennett, Tom; Andrew Smit
Dear John,
2 August,
2006
First, let me tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of our wonderful Patricia - your Patsy. I loved
her dearly because she was the mommy of my lovely JonBenet. I respected her for her unreal
courage through the most horrific of events in this life. No woman could have displayed more
courage in the face of untold adversity as did JonBenet's mother. She endured years of illness.
Moreover, I took her daughter from her. I have known, for all these years, the pain and sorrow that I
inflicted upon JonBenet's mother. She was accused and never received my defense that I so wanted
to give while she lived on this earth. Though late, I offer my defense now with the dedication and
devotion that I have always felt for her. I know that you believe she is now in a place where there is
no suffering, no loss and no sadness. I know that you believe she is with our JonBenet once more.
That sweet embrace with our lovely little girl that I so long for and will forever desire, is now her
sweet mommy's delight.
It is very important to me that you know that I wrote a note to you and intended for you to receive it
at Patricia's funeral. Unfortunately, my note from 27 June never made it to you as I so wanted it to.
Your message to me meant so much and I want you to know that I never would have delayed in
responding to it. I made every effort to assure that you would receive a response from me instantly,
but such never came to pass. John, I really need your contact information so I can convey my
messages to you personally, without any delay.
I was so deeply touched that you expressed your appreciation for the love I felt for your little girl.
Your wonderful words of my connection to JonBenet meant so much to me. I did love her so and
continue to love her. I would love to tell you much more about my special love for your precious
daughter. Thank you also for your wonderful prayers. I don't deserve such kindness from you but I
need it very much and appreciate it more than you could know. I have been overwhelmed with grief
over the death of JonBenet's mother and cried as I did when my own mother died. I now have no
hope of expressing my heartfelt apologies to Patricia. I've lost her forever. I pray that she said
something before she passed away that would indicate that she forgave me and that I brought her
some degree of closure in that she finally knew who took the precious life of her child. John, you
asked for my help in your message to me. I was deeply touched by your request. I am here to assure
you that I will most definitely do everything in my power to help you.
After meeting with our mutual friend, Michael, I hope you understand better, the good intentions I
have for you and your family. I hope, after getting the chance to see parts one and two of four of
my manuscript, that you now realize the impact of what I am prepared to do. I hope you now know
how
00
0
98
5
8/2/2006
Page 2 of 3
serious I am about stepping forth and telling the truth to the world. You should now see proof of
the enormity of my commitment to defend and to clear the name of JonBenet's sweet departed
mommy. I pray that you can now know the unbelievable gift that is within my power to give.
Some of the most intimate moments I shared with your daughter will now be revealed. It would
have been my choice to keep such intimacy a secret forever but I have sacrificed the secrets I
once held only with JonBenet, to make a public statement through a book, that might exonerate
her mother and give her family closure.
It is my wish to share with the world, my intense love for your daughter. It is my desire to speak the
truth about her last moments and to express the agony that I have endured since. It is my goal to
exonerate her mother through a confession and further, an explanation of who I really am - from
childhood to the present. It is my wish to exalt JonBenet and to honor her. She has been dishonored
in so many ways by the media. It is time for me to take her back. I loved her so much, as you loved
her. Please be by my side and help me to take her back from that world that accused your loving
wife, your sons and you. Let us take back our lovely little girl and protect her in our undying love
and in the truth that I am willing to reveal.
I have decided to release to you, an excerpt from my manuscript - Part Two entitled, "JonBenet's
Daxis". This is my full account of the last night of your daughter's life. I shared this account with
Michael Tracey during a series of live conversations which was unbelievably painful for me. This
written account is FOR YOUR EYES ONLY. It is for you exclusively and must not be shared
with anyone else. I have asked Michael not to release this written account to you until you
promise that you will not share this account with another person. I place my trust in you, John. It
is important to me that you know of the events of that night before my account is written in a
book that will be released very soon. It is my belief that you have the right to know what
happened that night between JonBenet and me. It is important that you know how I loved her.
John, it will not be easy to read my account but I feel it is essential. Please find a private and quiet
place to be alone with my words. I am here to support you and help you through this difficult time.
I am offering you my phone number and e-mail address. My phone number is +66 510 86290. My
e-mail address is decemberl 9_96@a hushmail_com_ You may write to me or call me anytime. I
will keep our correspondences and phone calls strictly confidential. In turn, I wish for your
personal e-mail address - one I can trust. as your own. I request to have your personal phone
numbers - again, numbers I know to belong only to you.
I am sure there must be a valid reason why you have never made contact with me, with the
exception of your very wonderful message, conveyed to me through Michael. I wanted so badly to
talk to Patricia. I needed so much to tell her, with my voice, how very sorry I was. I wanted so
much to tell her how much I loved JonBenet. I wanted to give her so much. I wanted to tell her the
truth. I longed to hear her say, "You are forgiven, Daxis." But that will never be. She is gone from
me forever. But John, you are still here. You and I still have that chance. No one knows what the
future might hold. No one knows what events might someday prevent us from ever making that
critical contact. But for now, we have that opportunity. And if you never wish to speak to me, I will
be saddened. But I have something in store for
00
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8/2/2006
Page 3 of 3
you - something good and wonderful on behalf of my love for your little girl. And if I never hear
that I am forgiven by either of her parents, I will have lost more than my precious little lover. But it
cannot be more painful than this guilt and the immeasurable sense of loss that I will experience for
the rest of my life.
If I am never to hear from you, I want you to know that I am truly and forever sorry for the pain you
have endured over the loss of your precious daughter. I want you to know that I loved her more than
any child I have ever known. I want you to know that she was an incredible child to me and I am
forever in her debt for the love she gave to me and for her mere existence in my life. Can you ever
fathom the way I loved your daughter? I know in my heart that it is my wish that you could see but a
glimmer of the intensity of my love for JonBenet. On her last night, she was not afraid nor was she
with some horrible person who wished to do her harm. Your daughter was with her Daxis. She did
not suffer. She simply went to sleep. And I was with her. She was surrounded by my love that night
and will be forevermore.
Daxis
0009
87
8/2/2006
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Subject:
Wednesday, August 02, 2006 11:04 AM
Bennett, Tom
Spam: "The Most Precious Gift"
Michael,
I have sent an important mail to you that contains a letter to John Ramsey
as well as instructions on what I wish for you to do on my behalf when you
meet John. Please respond that you have received that letter immediately
upon receipt.
I loved this letter of yours. It was very telling of you. But please,
respond to my letter "Revelations" as it was very telling of me.
I shall start the letter with the most spectacular offer you made to me
today;
"I can now see why you wrote about that last photo of JonBenet: "It is the
prettiest and sexiest photo of JonBenet. I want it." It is indeed gorgeous,
and is one of my most treasured possessions. Patsy herself handed it to me
when we were making the first documentary so in a curious kind of way it
literally as well as metaphorically has her imprint on it. I've tried to
scan it here but the result is not very good. I was thinking of how I might
get a better scan done, but then I had a thought. You have shared so much
with me why -ion't I share this photo with you, that is, send you the
original. dould you wish for that? You certainly deserve it."
Oh Michael, you cannot know what this means to me. I will treasure that
photo like no other can. Thank you so much for such a wonderful offer. I
accept, my dear friend. I respect so much that you would give one of your
most treasured possessions to me. JonBenet would be very happy to know that
her Daxis will have the last photo made of her alive. She would want me to
have it. Thank you for acknowledging that I deserve her precious photo. I
am not sure I deserve anything. But I do know, I want it badly and will
love it and care for it forever. Could you ever imagine, when her sweet
mother handed that photo to you, that you would someday give it as a
precious gift to her lover who was with her on the night of her death? Is
it not the most amazing thing? To know that Patricia has touched this photo
will also make it so precious to me.
i have researched what is known as a mail drop that I can set up
temporarily just for the purpose of receiving her photo. First, please tell
me the dimensions. I have conveyed to the receiver NOT to fold any mail
that will come to that mail drop address. I have been assured that nothing
will be folded. It would be advisable to take it to a photo shop and ask
for a special protector for mailing photos to place it in for sending. If
you cannot do this, please place it first in a paper envelope. Then place
it in a ziplock bag to prevent moisture from making contact with it during
shipping. Then place it in a sturdy cardboard envelope provided by UPS or
FedEx. It would really be better if you go to a photo shop and ask them to
prepare it to be sent. Write my address and the words DO VOT BEND on the
cardboard envelope BEFORE you place the photo inside so as to prevent any
imprints on her picture. Send it by either UPS or FedEx with a preference
on UPS. Don't send it via United States Postal service. Once you have
prepared it and it is ready to send, let me know and I will set up the mail
drop address
1
000988
which will be in Bangkok to maintain consistency with my phone number.
This address will be set up exclusively to receive JonBenet's photo. I
pray it will not get lost. Oh thank you so much, Michael. This is
incredible.I will treasure it forever.
,In particular thanks for your wonderful mail you sent yesterday and
the beautiful photos."
You are so welcome.
"I can see how dedicated you are as a teacher."
Thank you. Please know, however, that the photos of the little girls are
very mundane compared to my true "type". For that, I wish to send more
photos to you and ask that you view a copy of Vogue's Bambini. I cannot
place the kind of photos that truly embrace my type of little girl on my
walls at school though I might be tempted. The Kim Anderson photos are very
low key and are not the most indicative of my ultimate taste.
"one of the abiding images of my youth is their uniform which was a
patterned dress, grey, and with a blue jacket. Curious the things we
remember."
That sounds lovely. It is not at curious that you remembered this.
"They weren't allowed to have shiny shoes though because the nuns thought
that boys would be able to look up their dresses."
And what would you have seen? That was ridiculous. It reminds me of some
parents who make their daughter's wear shorts under their skirts or dresses
so their knickers don't show in case they hang upside down. It sends a very
negative message to the little girl
bout her sex - about her body.
"And for some strange reason I can imagine that you would want to teach in
a Catholic since there is an important religious theme to much that you
say."
I appreciate that you see that theme in much that I say. My new school is
more like that high Protestant existence you refer to of Dodgson. I was at
the school today and was looking at the school's coat of arms on the
insignia as I gazed over the uniform for little girls. The little dress has
light blue pinstripes and a peter pan collar. This school is very different
from the Catholic schools I have taught at in the past.
"And your great hero, Charles Dodgeson was high Protestant which in England
is basically the same as being Catholic."
You are correct that he is my great hero. I think he will be the one
waiting for me if I make it to heaven. He'll say, "Yes, they let people
like us, in." And then he will show me to a lovely English garden filled
with pretty little girls - our heaven. His life was so much like mine.
"I did however think that the photos were terrific, and the one's of the
young girls simply gorgeous. Am I right in thinking that one of them you
sent me a couple of years ago. I have it in my files, but anyhow appreciate
you sending it again."
Yes, I knew I had 'anted you to see jute but not what send other photos
girl pictures but have seen them.
sent it before but how could I explain that? I the contents of my walls.
Again, these girls are I want you to equate with my true type. I will
I used to have an excellent collection of little law enforcement got
those. I so wish you could
2
000989
"The photos, and your mail describing them will do very much what I was
hoping they would do in assisting my writing of the biographical
portrait."
If you need any help on that, let me know. I am honored that you are
writing a biographical portrait about me. Have you started?? Better get
started.
"One of the things that comes through most strongly is just how much you
adore beauty, whether it be the stunning young girls, or the extraordinary
cars"
You have it right on, Michael. I am in awe of all things beautiful. I have
the perfect eye for beauty and my taste is impeccable.
"one quick thought, if the book does as well I think it will you will be
able to buy a Ferrari!"
That was a deep comment. It made me feel very happy. I wonder if that
will ever come true. Thank you for saying it. You know Michael, I have
owned cars like that Ferrari in my past. It was wonderful.
"But truly, they are the embodiment of your core being, perfect and
flawless."
Yes, perfect and flawless they are. I must compare lovely little girls
with exotic cars and spectacular views - not to be materialistic but to
express my deepest appreciation for ultimate beauty and perfection as I
so described in "Pretty Little Boy".
"I have noticed that one of the results of our communications is :hat I
have become much more reflective about my own identity and emotional make
up. if you are not careful you'll be turning me into a sensitive guy, and
wouldn't that be a change."
That is the best influence I could ever have on you. It would be my
greatest gift if I could change you into a sensitive person.
"I think though that this is why I mentioned my childhood, and how much it
was scarred, not because of any evil that I faced but because of the
unintended consequences of well meaning actions by my mother and my whole
family."
I have thought of an ideal piece that I will be preparing for you soon that
fits you perfectly concerning the loss of your father and the way it was
dealt with by your grandparents. You mention you were raised by your
grandparents - where was your mother?
"There is something in the voice of Callas that brings the pain to the
surface - La Mamma Morta.... oh my God, instant tears. And so yes I was
intrigued by your reference to "Philadelphia" and rented
it.,,
I am impressed that you rented that film. Thank you. However, there are
other films that have had such a tremendous impact on my life. Might you
consider renting some of those if I mention the titles? It would teach you
a lot about me. But you must not share the titles in any of your writings.
"I was totally blown away. Hanks is incredible. why do you find it io
powerful? You describe the scene well, but what is it that clearly reaches
deep down inside you?"
Other scenes from other films have had much more impact on me than that
scene. I am glad you think I described it well. The mom in
3
000990
Bavaria said I was the only person she knew who could act out a film word
for word, on the spot. She was so formal. That scene was deep because he
was exposing himself to his formal attorney. He was baring his soul. He was
exhibiting the intensity of his passions mnd his love and mostly - his
agony and deepest fears. He knew he eras going to die and he loved his life
so much yet knew he would soon lose something so precious and dear to him.
I wish for you to view a movie entitled, "What Dreams May Come" starring
Robin Williams and Anabella Sciorra. It will be the saddest film you have
ever watched with the most profound description of the afterlife. It holds
the deepest meaning for me in so many ways. I am connected to that film in
ways unimaginable. Watch it at least twice. I will surely have much to say
about it. But you can never share the title and its connection with me to
anyone. If you wish to write about it, you will need to disguise the
identity of the film. I also love children's films. Watch "The Secret
Garden", 1993 starring Kate Maberly. I have much to say about that one. And
remember Michael, "Sometimes when you lose, you win."
"I will be meeting John possibly tomorrow but if not then definitely
Thursday. So send me the note, and let me know what you wish to do about
the manuscript. My feeling is that it will be as hard for him to read as
it was for you to write. It is a gut wrenching piece of literature,
powerful and poignant at the same time. But just as you had the courage to
write it I believe that John has the courage to read it."
As you know by now, I wish to release PART TWO to John only. Though it will
be difficult for him to read, he must. JonBenet was his little girl and he
must know what happened that night. He must know about my love for her and
how I tried so hard to save her. I am nervous about revealing my secrets of
that night to him but it must .lappen. It is time. I only regret that
Patricia never got to see my words. Michael, you must express to him what
is was like to hear, LIVE, my account of that night. You must express the
emotion that was overflowing in me as I shared each word with you.
"In my meeting with him, what else would you like me to say? I think I
have a good sense of your needs in relation to him, but I want to make
sure that i have everything as you wish it would be."
One thing I forgot to mention in my message with the letter and requests is
that I would like for you to express to him that I want to help him in
financial ways once the book is published. Do not tell him to what extent.
Thank you for the respect of asking me exactly what I wish for you to say.
I tried to express what I wish for you to say in my message to you with the
letter to him attached. The letter conveys everything but your interjection
is worth a lot to me.
"As ever, I can't promise what his reaction will be to talking to you,
but I will do my best."
Thank you. I cannot imagine why on earth he would not wish to talk to me
after reading that account unless my written account supercedes his desire
or need to make contact with me. I will give up all hope of ever talking
to him if he does not contact me after reading my letter and my account of
JonBenet's final moments. I wish he would at least give you permission to
give me the numbers and e-mail address that you have in your possession.
It is not too such to ask in light of my connection with his daughter and
in sight of how much I wish to help him in the future.
"And I've decided that I will call you on Thursday evening, if that's
OK with you. Why don't we say about 8pm Boulder time."
4
000991
I will set my alarm clock. I will miss your call on Saturday as I feel
your call on Thursday will be very short. Sunday will be so hard for me.
'Two reasons: a) I'm sure you will be eager to hear about the conversation
just as soon as you can; b) it now looks as if I will be out of town this
weekend, helping a friend - she's very cute, if you catch my drift - and
I'm not sure that it would be proper to call you from her house."
I am glad you will be having some fun with a pretty girl. You deserve that.
You really like those pretty girls, don't you? Is she Asian?
"BTW, when I was telling you about my childhood in Oldham .- which is a
rather down at heel Victorian former cotton mill town - I was referring to
the local newspaper The Oldham Chronicle, and Oldham is in Lancashire,
England. And you might also like to know as I reveal ever more about myself
to you, that it is on the edge of the Pennines, a range of hills that are
desolate and that provided the location for Wuthering Heights. As a boy I
loved to catch a bus and go hike in the Pennines. It remains one of my most
compelling memories of being young and had the huge benefit that I could be
alone with my thoughts, without feeling too sad. Looking forward as ever to
talking to you."
That all sounds enchanting. Do you think I should make my home there after
the book is published? I would love the old graveyards in England. I
mention Pere Lachaise in Paris in Part Three of my manuscript. Part three
is coming along well. I am trying to complete it as soon as possible. It
is always wonderful to hear about your childhood. I would love to hear
more. I have always loved England. When I was a child, I spoke perfect
British and .vanted to live there so much. Maybe you and I can go to
Lancashire together someday.
Michael, I am very stressed lately because I cannot sort out my banking
business to accept funds from the proceeds of my book. I have been
talking for days to my bank contacts in Switzerland and am coming up with
nothing. I don't know what I am going to do. I know if I cannot figure
something out, I am doomed.
Daxis
5
000992
Bennett, Tom
rrom:
.ent:
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey©colorado.edu]
Thursday, August 03, 2006 9:35 AM
To:
Bennett, Tom
Michael,
Today is the big day. You will meet John. He will get my letter and, more
importantly, he will get my written account of the events of the last night
of his daughter's life with me. I will pray for him as the painful truth is
revealed. Maybe it will be more of a relief to him. He will finally know
that JonBenet was not brutally murdered and that will mean a lot to him.
"Sometimes when you lose, you win." I will be here for him if he needs my
support. I'm sorry he has to read my account. I wish instead that I was
sending him a birthday greeting to pass on to his daughter who would have
been sweet sixteen on Sunday. It is all so sad. But it is time for John to
know the truth about his own little girl. I desire a closeness with her
father. I would love to know little things about JonBenet that only her
father would know. He and I could be close because we both loved that
little girl so much and we both grieve for her more than anyone else alive.
Don't forget to tell him how easy it is to talk to me and how nice you say
that I am. I am utterly depressed for reasons unknown. I should be happy.
Her father will finally know the truth and I will be getting my Princess's
photo. But, for some reason, I am very sad.
Below is a temporary mail drop address that was hell to set up. I Wrestled
back and forth over anonymity issues and other things. My persistence and
shrewd business approach prevailed. Before it was over with, all manners
of concessions were being made for me. It was worth all the headaches to
get that precious photo. Please write the address as it is written below:
DAXIS
Box 303
2929 Carrefcur Rama 4 Rama 4
Road Klongtoey Bangkok 10110
THAILAND
I deeply appreciate this. Please remember to write DO NOT FOLD on the outside
before placing the photo in the cardboard envelope. Keep your tracking
number as UPS has a great tracking service if things get lost. I am so
worried that it will get lost or damaged. Maybe JonBenet will protect it
with her awesome powers. It is meant to be that it ends up in the hands of
her lover. JonBenet has willed it. She spoke to you and told you her sweet
photo belongs in her lover's hands.
I bought a bicycle today. I am going to try to use it to go to work on
every day. I did that in Latin America. I thought about that Ferrari. I
wonder what's going to happen to me. Sometimes, I think I will be ok and at
other times, I feel so nervous - like law enforcement is closer than ever
before. I know why I feel this way. It is because John is soon to know the
truth and the book is forthcoming.
i know that I think about JonBenet everyday. I think about you everyday.
School will start soon and then I will have to think about that much of the
day. Even when I am working, I think about JonBenet. Getting the photo will
be wonderful. I can't believe that
1
000993
I will be getting my favorite photo of my favorite girl. Her
mother touched it. And what is more, it was taken on the same day
we were together. I have a photo of my little girl just the way
she looked that night. It means the world to me. I won't believe
it is true
ntil I am holding it in my hand. It's all thanks to you, Michael.
always dreamed I would meet Patricia and she would give
something to me that belonged to my lovely JonBenet. That never
happened. I had something in mind to ask for but the chance never
came. As you know, I no longer have access to my most precious
articles belonging to JonBenet. I did the right thing by burying
it. It never would have survived the unknown future I was to
experience. Now it is in a safe and sacred place but I miss it.
It is JonBenet herself that I long for and I know that. Not
having the chance to Visit her grave is a great loss.
Michael, I miss getting responses to my longer mails.
"Revelations" was rather telling as the title denoted. "The Most
Precious Gift" was a good mail, I thought. But thank you for
sending this picture. Please don't delay as this mail drop
address is going fast. Good luck to us both at the meeting with
JonBenet's father. If I was to be there with you, I would, above
all, tell John how much I loved JonBenet.
I'll be waiting for your call Thursday night at 8 PM
Mountain. Daxis
000994
2
Bennett, Tom
"om: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
ant: Friday, August 04, 2006 10:40 AM
To:
....I think our lad is a tad upset, but apparently he still loves me. there
is some interesting detail about the school uniform and has resurfaced. m
Michael,
To say I am upset is an understatement. I can only say, two down, one to
go. I was right that John Ramsey never gave a damn about what I have to
say about that night. I was right that I would never get a chance to talk
to Patricia. And the "one to go" is that you will never find a publisher
for this book. Unfortunately, I am always right. I know people so well.
You are slowly but surely finding out why I hate adults. Just today, I was
at my school. Two little boys came in my classroom. They seemed to really
like me. Then, they told me their father is the jerky teacher who is going
to be teaching
in grade one. They told me their father said, "That
second grade teacher is scared of me." That lousy fucker. Now his kid will
be like a spy in my class. That father will find ever thing wrong with me.
I'll have to watch my every move around
~. Furthermore, he'll turn her against me. I'm doomed in this new job. That
son of a bitch walks right past me and never even looks my way. He thinks
I'm scared of him? He doesn't know the meaning of fear. Then I started
thinking about John Ramsey. You say to got angry and cold. Well you know
what? I'm not scared of him
.ither. He thinks he's better than me? He thinks I wasn't good .nough for
his daughter? I was somebody special and a person of status in America
when I was with his daughter. My family had just as much money as he did.
I lived in a better house. He thinks he can insult me by turning down my
offer to allow him to see my written account? He has the audacity to
insult my friend who is trying to hand my manuscript to him? I know the
whole matter must have made you feel so uncomfortable. So now, he treats
me with such disrespect that he thinks he can call you next week and you
will send him my manuscript as a lousy file attachment? I set it up so
that he could have my precious words handed to him in person and he turns
it down? Well, that was his last chance. You do NOT have my permission to
transfer MY account of that night to him after the way he responded today.
He insulted me. He rejected me. He snubbed his nose at me to let me know
that he is above me and that my nasty little manuscript should not soil
his hands. I reread my letter to him and can only conclude that his anger
is over the fact that I will be releasing a book about his child. This
hook is not entitled JONBENET - it is entitled DAXIS. And I have a fucking
right to publish a book about my own fucked up life. His daughter was a
part of my life and I have a right to write about her. I think that he
thinks the same of me as he thinks of fucking Steve Thomas in that
transcript I read from Larry King Live recently. He said, "You want to
profit from a book at the expense of my family's suffering." Well Steve
Thomas hated his guts and was obvioulsy writing a book about Patricia
killing her own daughter. Steve fucking Thomas wasn't offering to hand
over a chunk of change to him like me. I don't have to do that. I don't
have to give money to a man who shoved my manuscript back into my best
friend's face. That book is nine. I have worked hard on that book. It's
about my stinking life. It is a book that will exonerate his wife and he
doesn't even give a damn enough about it to even accept Part Two. If he
didn't want to read it, he could have.at least accepted it and read it
later. But he was conveying to me that he didn't want to get his hands
1
000995
dirty touching my words. No more letters to John Ramsey. No more offers to
allow him to read my manuscript. I will pay for JonBenet's funeral
regardless of how he acts but what inspiration 'hould I have to help a man
who treats me like crap? In the words if John Ramsey, "Help me understand
that." This is a fucking win yin situation for him. His wife gets cleared,
he gets closure and I give him a large sum of money. After all that, he
rejects me? He gets angry after reading a letter that I poured my heart out
in? I'm just as good as John Ramsey. I was good enough for his daughter.
JonBenet would NOT be pleased with how her father is treating her Daxis.
I'm not taking back a word of what I just said. I know you won't ever
respond to it. I wrote like this when I was being denied access to Patricia
and you never responded to it.
This means John Ramsey is not going to support this book. This is a huge
blow to the book. He will campaign against it until no one will want to
read it. The next rejection will come when the publishers start turning you
down left and right. I can't finish the book until I figure out how to
REPLACE the final chapter that was to document my connection with this
family. Now I know that this will. never happen. I have to totally revamp
Part Four. This will delay everything. It will never make it for the
Christmas deadline. I still do not hear that you are working on your
section of the book. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I want
to give up on the whole thing. If John Ramsey rejects it, the whole world
will reject it. it will be banned due its graphic detail of my sex with
little girls anyway. It's doomed.
Oh yeah, I was wrong about the school uniform. I was looking at the uniform
for the younger students. My girls will wear a blue plaid skirt, white
shirt, a tie with the school ensignia embroidered on it, a blue blazer with
the school's insignia on the pocket. It is Very formal. But then, the
school is elite. Too bad some stupid bastard is going to fuck me out of it.
At least I know that I am .orth somewhat of a damn to have secured a
position in a school of such prestige. I'm just as good as John Ramsey. I
was good enough for his daughter.
Again, you do NOT have my permission to share MY account with John Ramsey.
My decision is based on his reaction and also based on the fact that I will
not have my manuscript tossed around on an e-mail as a file attachment that
is not even directly from me. That was his last chance to read of what
happened to his daughter on the last night of her life. it was worthy to be
hand delivered. You made that attempt and he shoved it back. I am
ultimately insulted. I don't have to love John Ramsey to love his daughter.
As a matter of fact, I can be very negative toward the parents of little
girls I am in love with. I usually win. After all, I wanted to talk to her
mother. I never had any desire to talk to him. But I wanted to be a friend
to him - to help him. Michael, that man is driving a Jag and living in a
house that's worth at least a couple of million. I'm riding a bicycle and
living in a 20 square meter room with 3,000 dollars to my name. I'm still
going to load cash on him if I ever have it, just on general principals.
Who else do you know who would still do that after his reaction to me? A
constant shut out. I guess I was lucky as all hell that he actually read my
letter. I can't believe he took the letter with him. I bet he threw it away
when he got out your sight. I've had it with his reaction.
Thank you for sending the very special photo. I love you, Michael. You're
the only person who will ever believe me. You've been such a good friend to
me. You've tried so hard to help me. I'm sorry but I ion't think this book
is ever going to be accepted for publication. snd I'll be there to say I told
you so. I just wish I didn't have to. It's breaking my heart to watch all
my efforts and the courage it took to finally share this, all go up in
smoke. Tell me what it is was for? Her father shoved it back in your face
today. Her
2
000996
mother died. That leaves the world. And what will they do with it?
Michael, I think it was a mistake for me to ever share it. I should have
kept it a secret between my JonBenet and me, where it "elonged. I think
it will bring me much much more grief. John
.amsey has not yet begun to hurt me. He'll drop the bomb when he :alls
you because he didn't have the courage to do it to your face. And it's
going to hurt me more than anything. I'll miss having contact with you,
especially now.
Daxis
3
000997
Bennett, Tom
Prom:
sent:
To:
Monday, August 07, 2006 11:16 AM
Bennett, Tom
Tom, just sent this short message to Daxis. m
Daxis, got back from my weekend away with the
lovely lady. I must admit it felt strange to go
even a couple of days without mailing you. Our
daily emails have become a kind of way of life.
Did the package arrive? Is the photo as beautiful
as you remembered? The great and sad irony about
the memory of JonBenet is that she will forever
be seen through the prism of the pageant images,
when in reality her natural beauty was so much
more magical. Sad really, very, very sad. More
later.
Michael
000998
Bennett, Tom
crom: Michael Tracey [MichaeLTracey@colorado.edu)
sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 12:45 PM
To:
This just came in. He attached the UPS tracking details. If you need that
attachment I can copy and paste it in another email. And Tom, while I
realize that it isn't over yet I just wanted to say thank you for the
incredible work you have done. And you found him on my birthday - you
couldn't make this stuff up! Unbelievable. m
Michael,
I wondered when I would ever hear from you again. Michael, I really want
an answer to my mail about John. I've sent several mails lately with no
response from you. Ok, my friend? I missed you.
"Daxis, got back from my weekend away with the lovely lady."
I hope you had a good time. I also hope you don't slip into some
involved love affair before this book is published.
"I must admit it felt strange to go even a couple of days without
mailing you. Our daily emails have become a kind of way of life."
I knew you liked me - even if it is just a little. I missed your mails.
Imagine what it would be like if we stopped talking to each other on email. I guess when I send the rest of the book, that will happen. I
needed to talk to you after that John Ramsey jolt. I -rent through
JonBenet's birthday alone. It would have been nice to
gave had contact with you. It was difficult this year. I cried for her.
I fell asleep that night and dreamed sweet dreams about her father.
Strange huh? We were friends and talking with each other. He was so
respectful to me in my dream. Of course, it was just a dream. Reality is
very different.
"Did the package arrive?"
Thanks to my contact, Akadaj in Thailand, I received the lovely photo of
JonBenet and her mother. Michael, you gave my phone number to UPS. They
called me today asking me questions, telling me I had to sign for the
package and show ID. I told them that would be tricky since I was not in
the country. I assured them that my representative would sign on my
behalf and send the package along to me where I am ncw. It was strange.
They called twice. I traced the number back to UPS in Thailand. I know
you gave my number for the security of the arrival of the package.
"Is the photo as beautiful as you remembered?"
Of course, JonBenet is as beautiful and sexy as I remembered. I got it
home and opened it on my bed. I just sat there and stared at it for at
least thirty minutes. JonBenet looks exactly as she did the night she was
with me. It is incredible to see my little girl like that. How could it
be that I could be so lucky to have a photo of what she looked like when
she was with me. The photo is displayed in the center of my room. I left
today to get something. When I returned, I said, "You're still here." And
I cried. I didn't cry
vhen I first saw it. I was in a daze. That's my little girl on
the lay we were together that night. And she is with me, where she
belongs.
Actually, the photo in general was nothing like I remembered. TV 1
000999
did a landscape shot of the photo and cut out the bottom half. I also
remembered JonBenet to be on the left in the photo. I also don't recall
JonBenet and Patricia being so close to each other. I certainly didn't
remember Patricia without any makeup. It has been
.o many years ago since I have seen that documentary. I recall Bill .urtis
saying, after showing a few photos of JonBenet, "But that was not the last
photo of JonBenet alive." Then the camera tightened in on this photo that I
have now and he said, "THIS is the last photo taken of JonBenet alive." Am
I right? Is this the photo I have? I used to dazzle my friends back in
America with my Bill Curtis voice...
Oh Michael, you could not have given me a more precious gift. I will
forever treasure it. I think it has finally come home to be with her
Daxis. She would be so happy to know her Daxis has the last photo of her
alive. And it is my little girl as she was on that night. It makes me
tingle to look at it because she looks so much like she did only hours
later when she was with me. She turns me on so much still. I can't help
it. I am still so attracted to that sexy little girl. Someday, I will find
a way to repay you for this wonderful gift. No one could have appreciated
anything more than I appreciate this photo. I will be purchasing a frame
for it tomorrow. It is lovely. It reminds me how much I loved her and how
special she continues to be to me.
"The great and sad irony about the memory of JonBenet is that she will
forever be seen through the prism of the pageant images, when in reality
her natural beauty was so much more magical."
Of course, you know how I feel about this from reading my section on
pageants. She was such a pretty little girl And to me, she was incredibly
sexy just as she is in the photo. I will always remember 'er as she looks
in this photo. Just remember, that little girl was .tine and will always be
mine.
That photo appears to have been taken close to the front door. The
staircase in the background appears to be the one that is close to the
front door. There is a bicycle behind the chair. I assume this was Burke's
present. I wish it was Jonaenet's bike present. I wonder what they did with
that bike. There are at least two fingerprints on the photo. I wonder if
one belongs to Patricia. And of course, it was John who took that photo.
I have been working hard on my book. Part three is complete. I have shed
some tears writing that part. I have to edit it for about the fifth time
before I release it. After John's negative reaction, Part Four has been
completely revamped. It is no longer entitled "Dearest Mommy". The tone has
completely changed. It's so sad. I had hoped for a better ending. Instead,
my book will end with hopelessness. I have started writing in Part Four
prior to editing Part Three. I've been working hard. If we have misjudged
his reaction, I would be glad to restore Part Four - more than you would
know.
Please at least answer my last mail about John Ramsey and this one. I
missed you and hope you are glad to be back with me. The book is coming
along well. The photo is beyond words. I don't know how to thank you. You
cannot know what a covert operation it was on my end to get the photo. I am
sending the UPS tracking info to show you where it went before it reached
Thailand. I can tell you that you've earned more of my respect and trust
through this kind act. you knew how badly I needed her last photo. It's
back with her ,over Daxis where it belongs forever. Oh how I loved that
child.
2
001000
Bennett, Tom
From: Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu)
ent: Wednesday, August 09, 2006 10:40 AM
ro:
Here's today's mail from him. Should I reply? The reference to the Hanks
movie is interesting since while I haven't seen it i believe it is about a
fed chasing a crook. Kind of goes with the thought i've had for a long
time, that Daxis wants to be found. Who knows? m
Michael,
My idea to wait on my response to finally get a response from you to my
letter entitled "Two Down, One to Go" has definitely not gone so well. I
haven't heard from you in two days. What's the use... I'll just send this
response anyway. Several of my important mails have gone unanswered. It's
a pity, especially for me.
"As I implied in my earlier mail it did seem strange to have even a
couple of days break in our conversation. It's been four years or
thereabouts. Quite remarkable really. I have never had such extensive,
drawn out correspondence with anyone in my entire life as I have had with
you."
I am honored that you would reserve that for me.
"Oh no. No involved love affairs pour moi monsieur. It keeps life
simple to maintain relationships at a friendly level."
? wish you all the best in love and romance as long as it doesn't ,hut
down my book. At this point in my life, I have no romance. But school
starts next Tuesday.
"I sometimes feel your loneliness and have tried to fill something of
the void. I hope I have been successful to at least some extent."
You have. It is difficult for me to accept that you will never respond to
certain of my very important mails. I wrote one entitled "Revelations"
that was really something. Not getting a response also leaves me not
knowing what you think. I am lonely. I live a lonely life. I have ever
since I left my lifetime connections in America. In the past, little
girls have found me but here, that has not been the case. I am lonely. It
is nice to have a friend to talk to about my most precious little girl.
""I needed to talk to you after that John Ramsey jolt."" "I'm
sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now."
Thank you. I have a feeling I have not seen anything compared to the
upset John will cause me. And when he drops his little bomb, will it
shake your faith in me? When you respond to my "John" letter, I will tell
you a few of my other ideas of why he reacted as he did. For me, it's
just another dad of a little girl I love who doesn't understand me and
doesn't want to understand me. If he hates me, it won't be anything new
for me. So what does that have to do with my relationship with his little
girl? Nothing. No little girl I have ever known has ever let her daddy
stand between us. I'm act about to let John stand between me and the
little girl I love and loved. It's not possible anyway, now is it? Like I
said, I can be quite negative with parents when they start getting cold
and angry with me. I hope I will get the chance to eat my words.
1
001001
"I can understand. I spent much of the day thinking about you and her."
-hank you for also thinking of me on her birthday. I held the same
.andlelight visual I hold every year. I wanted to write to you that day
but didn't want to supercede your response to my letter about John. Just so
you know, I did not see her as sixteen. I see her as forever six. I don't
want to see her as sixteen. That is not to say I don't wish with all my
heart that she was not alive and well as a sixteen year old girl. It is
almost impossible to describe. She is six to me always.
"Actually I'm not too surprised that you dreamt of him. He's been very
much on your mind for so long that I would in fact be amazed if you
hadn't. what did he say to you in your dream?"
I cannot recall a single thing he said. I recall that he was talking a lot
to me and all was well between us. He smiled a lot in my dream. He talked
on and on. We were at a lunch of our own. Imagine that - John Ramsey at
lunch with the likes of me. I'm fairly hurt as you can see.
""of course, it was just a dream. Reality is very different.""
"Indeed it is."
I wasn't hoping you would agree with me on this one.
"I have not heard back from him yet and so have no idea where his mind is
at. We shall see."
You won't hear much from him. He's been doing this freeze out with ie for
some time now. His one and only message will remain that. I .gym not sure
how he could do this to me after what I am willing to reveal and the impact
it will have on the exoneration of his wife and him for that matter. As I
have said many times, that is a small portion of the reason he should want
to have contact with me.
"I suspect that he feels pulled in different directions, wanting to
understand, to know the truth -- which I'm convinced he knows is in your
manuscript - and being fearful of coming to grips with that truth."
Maybe I am wrong but I only have your description to go on and you said he
reacted with a cold anger. That hurts me like hell. The rejection of my
manuscript was the ultimate insult to me.
"Thanks to my contact, Akadaj in Thailand, I received the lovely photo
of JonBenet and her mother."
"Who is Akadaj?"
who the hell knows. I know him as the person I paid to accept and sign for
my precious package. His name is on that document I sent as a file
attachment on my last mail. You never mentioned that you received that. No
problem about giving my number. Please let me know next time. By the way,
I deeply appreciate how well the photo was packed with such care. Thank
you. I just went to a frame shop to have a custom frame made for the photo
today. It is an odd size where I live - 8.5 by 11 inches. That is document
size in America. You can purchase frames for documents left and right in
America. 5ut I live where A4 is document size. Unfortunately, I won't be
able to take the frame with me when I go because of excessive weight
limitations. So when I move, I will go through the process again. Either
way, that picture will be under great protection.
2
001002
""I just sat there and stared at it for at least thirty minutes."" "I
wish I had been there to witness the scene"
wish you could have as well. I wish you could just see me, _eriod.
Seeing me would add a whole new dimension to Daxis for you.
"Absolutely. It sounds as if when you first opened the package you were
in a state of shock."
It was actually more of the feeling one gets when he has not seen his
lover for years. I smiled instantly and said aloud, "Oh JonBenet. Look at
you, sweetheart. You're so pretty and sexy. I love you so much." It was a
happy moment.
"I'd love to hear your Bill Curtis voice!"
Thank you. I would have to hear him talk again. It's been years. I can do
several voices. He worked for CBS in the past. I liked him a lot after
seeing him in that documentary. "Coming up on A & E." He's one of those
people you cannot imagine could possibly speak normally in real life. I
have a few favorites in journalism. I like Larry King, sometimes. I like
Charlie Rose, the good southern lawyer turned interviewer. He recently had
a pig valve installed in his heart. I liked David Frost when he was still
around. And Merve talked to them all though he is not one of my favorites.
Then there's Michael Tracey, He did a wonderful interview with the parents
of my lover. I think he will be doing his own talk show after a book is
published called DAXIS. By the way, Tom Hanks is best suited to play you in
a film about me. Look at his work in "Catch Me If You Can". The dynamics
between him and DiCaprio are similar to the dynamics we share. Just another
one of those movies I have wanted you to watch.
-I'm glad that you find having the photo so rewarding. That was my
intention in sending it to you. I'll be honest, part of me wanted to hold
on to it but I decided that it really should be with you."
Thank you for chat photo. It is a special gift. she would be happy that
you did that for her Daxis. She loved me.
"Actually, I was thinking that when you have framed it you could take a
photo and then send that to me as a jpeg file. That would be some
consolation for me. But I'm happy you are happy with it."
Let me get this straight. Are you saying that you want to see the photo in
the state it is in with me - in a frame? Or would you like a high quality
scanned copy of the picture?
""Just remember, that little girl was mine and will always be mine.""
"I will never, ever forget that."
Thank you for chat unreal respect. In many ways, I want the world to know
that while at other times, I just want to keep it my secret because I know
it to be true.
"Daxis, you never fail to amaze me, you dusted it for prints?"
I did? Today, I noticed new prints on it that appeared to look like
children's fingerprints. Tomorrow, I will be getting a custom frame made
for the picture. The photo, at this point, is leaning against the back of a
little shelf at my eye level so I can look at it every time I walk by. It
is freely leaning against a custom cut piece of the cardboard that
protected it which supports it in its leaning state. Today, the top portion
of the photo started to pull
3
001003
away from the cardboard. It just suspended there for several minutes. It
would then lay back down. In a matter of a few minutes later, it would
lift up again at the top. Minutes later, it would rest back. I said aloud,
"It's alive." It has now rested for
everal hours. Last night, it left the shelf and was carefully .laced
on my suitcase below as if someone had placed it there perfectly. I
have no idea how it got there. Just know that JonBenet's photo is
getting lots of love and care in my hands.
"They could be several people's prints since Patsy handed it to me" I hope
her print is one of them.
"But now the only new fingerprints that will be on it are yours."
That will be limited as I handle it with much care. I am honored my prints
will be on it.
"Do please send it as soon as you can. I am looking forward
tremendously to reading it."
Thank you. I added a new section last night. Part Three is coming along
well. I think I have added all the new material to it that I will after
last night. I will now re-edit thoroughly and cut things out, change things
and check for errors. I will send it after that. Part Four is in the air. I
don't know what to do about it. There are the letters I wrote to Patricia
that I would actually like to share in the book but I somehow feel it would
not be appropriate. It would be important to me for the world to know what
I had to say to Patricia especially since it is what she took to her grave.
Otherwise, the world will have no way of ever knowing. I would even want
the world to know what I have said to John. All of this would add an
essential dimension to the book and to the story in general. - don't
know...
"We shall see whether we have misjudged his reaction."
I hope so. My ideal would be to have John as a close friend. If only
Patricia had lived. she would never have turned down my manuscript of the
events of that night. She would not be pleased with what lie did. But they
were very different. I tried to tell you, I could have reached her. I can't
reach him. I understood her. I can't understand the actions he displayed in
front of you. I'm glad it wasn't me acting like that against him. Again,
you don't have my permission to give that account to him again. If he wants
it, he will have to show me the respect of giving it to him personally. And
I am very willing to still do that.
"When you say "hopelessness," what do you mean? I know I'll find out
when I read it, but I'd be interested in a brief version."
when I say hopelessness, I mean hopeless in all respects. In other words, I
failed to connect with her mother and now her father rejects me. That
section covers all that; however, I do not believe I will even mention John
Ramsey in light of his incessant rejection of me. I havee too much class to
do that. Part Four will be one of hopeless despair - all my plans fallen
through. I cannot send rough drafts to you. First drafts make the most
lasting impression. The dynamics of my writing changes drastically from
rough draft to final draft.
"I am glad. I will reply to the last mail about John possibly later
tonight, but certainly by tomorrow."
Two days later and I have heard nothing from you. I finally decided to stop
waiting for a response to my mail about John. That makes me sad.
001004
""0h how I loved that child.,'', "I
know that oh so well."
am pleased that you know that to be true. I can't describe my love for
her with the intensity that I feel now and felt when I was with her. Maybe
the world will finally understand how intensely a man can love a little
girl after reading about my love for JonBenet and other wonderful little
girls I have known.
Daxis
5
001005
Bennett, Tom
'rom:
,.ent:
To:
Here's #1 for today. Another to follow. He says of the school that it is
high Protestant. Also names another girl, Christine. There is also a
fascinating reference to a "sister." He could of course be referring to an
alter ego. But remember that some time back he said there was a female
there chat night, that they left at different times and that I was wrong in
assuming that he was the one who remained behind. He then was insistent on
taking her out of the picture. There are times when Daxis says things that
feel "real." That for me was one of those times. Is it possible that there
was a woman involved? m
Michael,
"Daxis, I saw that you were still eager for me to reply to this
particular mail."
Michael, I am eager for you to reply to all of my mails as all of my
mails are important. But now you are taking several days off even after
returning from a vacation. Maybe I should stand back as well. Strange
that you keep saying you want to know more about me but you are the one
that keeps me at a distance.
"But before responding here i was fascinated in the email today where you
compare our relationship to that of Hanks and DiCaprio in -he movie. can
you expand on what you meant?"
It would be best if you just watch it. Hanks plays Carl Handratty an FBI
agent. He is the one who chases DiCaprio who plays Frank Abagnale, Jr.
Handratty is fascinated by Abagnale and also has to understand completely
his subject to track him down. He misses so much but also figures out so
much. Handratty is a dull FBI agent until he deals with Frank who lives
the most exciting life. I won't tell you how it ends but again, it
coincides with us.
"I haven't seen it yet but will rent it, as I did Philadelphia."
I mentioned "What Dreams May Come" in one of those mails you didn't
respond to. It is the most important film of all and you never make
mention of renting that one.
Though you don't mention future calls, we talked one hour eight
minutes last Thursday.
"I've been thinking a lot about your account, turning it over in my mind.
It was truly exhaustive, but I keep thinking that there is still more to
tell. That there is still a secret to be revealed. Am I close or wrong?
If there is can you tell me, and as ever it is between us unless you
wished to include it in the book."
There are some secrets left. They are in the form of intimate moments
between JonBenet and me. The thought occurred to me that you might want
me to share something just with you just a day or so ago. I suppose my
vibes are very strong. I might consider that. I ion't know, Michael.
JonBenet and I deserve to keep some of our secrets.
"If there was something else, perhaps that could be your gift to me just
as the photo was my gift to you."
1
001006
I promise you I will repay you for the precious gift even if I have to give
you money after the book is published - if it is published. Strangely, you
told me that this was my gift for sharing so much
,ith you already. You've got gifts coming. Don't worry.
"You know I have this deep desire to understand everything." If you
don't understand everything by now, you never will.
"I've also beern thinking about the moment I take the manuscript to a
publisher. Let's think this through and perhaps you can give me advice. If
I say that I find the account utterly compelling and true, but that the
author is "anonymous." other than the name Daxis"
"So what" if I am known only as Daxis? So no
believe the story of my life because I do not
jacket of a book? I am a man on the run. I am
tell my story. Any publisher would understand
a last name.
one will have interest or
plaster my photo inside the
willing to risk my freedom to
this is why I will not reveal
"and s/he says something to the effect of 'tell me why you are
convinced,' what would you say in such a position? It probably sounds
like a strange question, but I would very much like your guidance on
this."
It sounds like you're having second thoughts about this whole thing. Well
here's what I think and what I would do. First of all, publishers are all
about making fucking money. What does it matter if they believe my story is
true or not, for that matter? Toss it to the public and watch them gobble
it up regardless. And when they gobble it up, the money will flow in. To
you and I, that means
.othing compared to the truth and our ability to prove it but to a
publisher, money is everything. If they won't publish as nonfiction, go the
route of a novel as did Norman Mailer. That might be the only concern of a
publisher - the genre. I covered this months ago. You're asking me how you
should respond if someone asks you why you are convinced? Do you not know
how to answer that? And finally, as I told you on the phone weeks ago, take
in that damned ransom note and throw it down beside my manuscript of 150
8.5"x 11" pages. Tell the publisher, "This badly written little note has
been analyzed and scrutinized for ten years. I have hundreds of pages that
are well written by the same author of that note about the same little
girl. In light of their fascination with such a tiny little note, what more
do you think the public will do with such a superior writing by the same
author about the same little girl?" You see, Michael, my written work as
already caused a frenzy and it was nothing compared to this manuscript.
• It is more my wish that someday little girls who are
• intellectually advanced will be respected to make decisions about
• her own body. That came close in Holland until some man kidnapped
• and starved his little girl victims.
"Wasn't it Belgium. I seem to recall enormous street demonstrations because
the public believed that there had been some coverup."
I did not say it was NOT Belgium. Indeed it was Belgium but I was talking
about laws in Holland that were affected by the murders in 3elgium.
"I am waiting eagerly to see what you have written. Do please send it as
soon as you can, especially given the fact that time is passing and
Christmas approaches."
2
001007
I'm doing my part. I am so surprised that you have not even started on your
biographical portrait. You have PLENTY of information to at least get you
started. I will meet the deadline. Will you?
"'My classroom is beautiful...""
"perhaps someday I will."
How will you ever be able to do that?
"I clarified this in an email. D--'d you go on line to check out the
newspaper?"
I did a search on that newspaper and I cannot find it. if you have the
specific URL, I would be glad to visit it.
"Thank you for saying that. I think however that our relationship has
become closer, probably because of our going through your account of
Christmas night. That was quite something, sort of cathartic."
I'm glad I shared my account with you. It was needed. I only wish Patricia
would have been by your side listening.
"I think you are spot on here, though I was still quite young when I found
out. He was killed in a plane crash. He was a navigator in the Royal Air
Force. He burnt to death basically."
I have something to convey to you about your father. You've probably
heard it before but this time, it will be from Daxis. Maybe it will
mean more. I will send it under another cover.
'You are right. This is an incredibly powerful scene. And yes, ienzel
Washington's avoidance of being drawn into the emotion of the moment is
very male, even if he really did want to be drawn in. What was it
in particular
that drew you to that scene?"
I shared that with you in response to something you said about your intense
response to an opera - specifically Maria Callas. That scene was for you not for me. But the scene was that of you and I. Hanks played Daxis who
shared and cried and bared his soul and expressed his pain over his loss.
"The home that once cradled me, now burns" sang La Divina - as did my life.
But from those ashes rose a passionate love as has been the case with
Daxis. And afterwards, the lawyer was affected and he went home and held
his babygirl like never before and held his wife like never before. For he
knew that his "the home that cradled him" now was one to appreciate. Daxis
is depth and an emotional outpouring of the most intense moments of loss
and love and passion.
•
•
•
That was supposed to be "buckle" and not "buckles". I love shoes
because I know what is inside them - those hot little feet I want
to kiss and lick.
"I'd kind of assumed that on the basis of the things you have already
told me about the kinds of physical contact you like. BTW, I seem to
recall that i suggested that my intuition told me that you would
:each in a catholic school? You didn't reply to that. Was i
..orrect? Just a tiny detail."
I DID answer this. From the mail entitled, "The Most Precious Gift" August
2: '"I appreciate that you see that theme in much that I
3
001008
say. My new school is more like that high Protestant existence you refer
to of Dodgson."" Though I have taught in Catholic schools, this is school
is not Catholic though it is Christian of a high Protestant nature. So
now I'm Dodgson like never before.
ghile we are on my school, did you remember that I added a correction to
the description of the school uniform as was written in "Two Down, One to
Go" August 4: ""Oh yeah, I was wrong about the school uniform. I was
looking at the uniform for the younger students. My girls will wear a blue
plaid skirt, white shirt, a tie with the school ensignia embroidered on
it, a blue blazer with the school's insignia on the pocket. It is very
formal. But then, the school is elite. Too bad some stupid bastard is
going to fuck me out of it (speaking of
teacher). At least I know
that I am worth somewhat of a damn to have secured a position in a school
of such presage. I'm just as good as John Ramsey. I was good enough for
his daughter.""
•
•
•
Oh, I just happened to have some of the most intense emotions for
this little girl of all the little girls I have ever known, with
the exception of JonBenet. She was JonBenet's age. I lived with
her
• book because she is one of my greatest secrets. Yes, Micheal, you
•
have been missing a hell of a lot about this little girl. I loved
• her so much.
>
tell
'Then why don't you
me more about her. I wouldn't very much like to
know more about your relationship with her. I did of course note that you
were living in the basement which had a certain echo of 755. And what was
she called."
Her name was Christine. I've never told that name to anyone with one
exception. I actually divulged that name to a little student of mine in
Latin America. I told the little girl how much she reminded me of
Christine and how much I loved them both. She drew pictures of Christine
and I and would label Christine's name in the pictures. I still have them.
It was eery and sad. There was one other little girl who reminded me of
Christine. I mention this in my book. There are hints of Christine in a
few portions of my manuscript. She certainly deserved an entire section as
received. I was very much in love with her. We didn't have sex.
"You now have it. And I would love to see a photo of it after you have
had it framed. So what is my gift?"
You said you were giving her photo to me because I deserved it after all I
have shared with you. You also said it belonged with me. I promise I'll
pay you back for it. You have gifts to come. I promise. I framed it
yesterday and took the photo yesterday. I was holding it until I found out
if you were still talking to me or not. I will send it under a different
cover. The frame is simple. I will likely not be able to take the frame
with me when I go. If my book does well and I get a home finally, I will
have the photo placed in a more wonderful frame with a lovely border mat.
It is still lovely as you will see in the photo of it. Thank you so much
.or such a wonderful gift. I will try to think of some way to repay you.
• just a year after JonBenet's death. And I do not mention her my
in
"I tend to agree with you on this.
it will be interesting to see 4
001009
both the captions you write and the photos you choose."
I will do this at the very end - after I have completed the book. I won't
hold off on writing Part Four because of John Ramsey. I'll be waiting 'till
the end of time on him. I'm not going to let that .iappen. He might not see
the importance of my book but I sure as hell do.
"when did you take those photos." No comment.
"And am I correct in assuming that they are of the outside of house, or are
you suggesting that you took photos inside the house."
Read my book, Michael. I wrote that I didn't have access to the inside of
the house upon my returns though I longed so much for it. It's in the book
in Part Two.
"Pity they are gone, since it would have been a fascinating twist to have
included them in the book "Daxis."
As would have been my photos of her grave. They're gone for good like my
past life in America.
""I can do wonderous things with the money.""
"are you referring here to helping John, setting up a school, paying
the funeral costs. Or is there something else here?"
I guess that's about it.
"I really appreciate your saying this. You can trust me and tell me .ts
much or as little as you wish."
I remain to feel comfortable sharing with you.
"So do you see the things you wish to do for John as compensation for his
loss"
That was one of the issues until he shoved my manuscript back in your face.
I know you hold me responsible for his loss but, in all honesty, he did not
lose everything because of me. He moved into a more expensive home after he
left 755. I know how much you love him but he is hurting me right now and
probably has no care of the pain he is inflicting. That causes me to say
things I otherwise would not. I have some other things to say but I will
refrain.
"or is your motivation more complex and about other things? I know you
loved his daughter, and that is why it is so tragic that it unfolded as it
did."
My love for JonBenet and respect for her is the only reason I will make
monetary arrangements with her family. Let's see if John will shove my
money back in my face. Yes, it is to compensate them for her death but it
is more sentimental than anything else. It's not like a settlement as the
result of a civil lawsuit. Don't get me started on my thoughts of the
latter.
"Heathcliffe with his Cathy.`
-oo bad you don't have more to say than this every time.
"I very much appreciate your sharing it with me. I suppose one of the
things that links us is that we both lost our fathers in difficult ways."
the
5
001010
But we lost them in such different ways. My father forsakened me. He
expressed his hate for me. He's in my book. Your father died a hero. There
was nothing heroic about what my father did to me. I ileaded with him. I
kept saying, "I love you, Dad." And he :esponded, "That doesn't mean
shit." And that is just a glimpse of what he said.
"I think you wrote about -he girl, but I don't think you ever said that
you told the mother you were having sex with her daughter. That I would
definitely have remembered."
Looks like you didn't remember it.
•
•
•
Amazing? Yes. But we are talking about Daxis - to
some moms, a charming Prince. You just don't know who you are
dealing with.
"Well you did indeed have a remarkable way with the opposite sex, perhaps
because for Daxis they aren't so opposite."
That's a good perception. We are very much alike - females and I.
"And after all this time you say I don't know who I am dealing with. So
who am I dealing with since i thought that I'd gotten to know Daxis
really well."
""As a matter of fact, I am a bit worried about her recognizing me in the
book.""
What is it that you think she would recognize?"
In my book, I describe that interaction
her everything that is going on between
sex I had with her child as I described
together. What would she NOT recognize?
but I reveal the location.
•
•
we had in the garden where I tell
her daughter and me. I describe the
it to her throughout our time
I do leave out her daughter's name
You see, I told her about a little girl in America
who died - a little girl I loved dearly. I never told her the
name
•
•
but I once sent a mail to her with the username "b90d96" If she
knew anything at all about JonBenet, she would link that
together.
"When was that, because certainly for a time JonBenet was a global story,
though your user name might have seemed very cryptic."
It was not just after JonBenet's death. I was still in America after
JonBenet's death. I told her enough to make the connection if she ever has
any knowledge of the book. We parted on good terms after we parted on
horrible terms. She stopped talking to me. To me, that signals hate.
""Sometimes I think I'd better not mention her daughter in this look.
What do you think?""
"I think you should tell me more about the daughter and then I can perhaps
offer you rry opinion."
You do know a lot about me but there is so
much you don't know.
6
001011
What else can I tell you? I am concerned that the mom might respond
negatively to the fact that her daughter was with a man who took the life
of a six year old girl.
•
I am writing about her for the manuscript. I was in love with her.
•
Having sex with her was fantastic but I wanted so much more. Ask me
•
anything you want.
"Tell me everything about your relationship with her, both physical and
emotional."
That's a broad question.
"Of course. It is important that you be honest about your own identity. And
if it is the need to transform yourself sexually then that is your absolute
right."
I appreciate your open-mindedness. I wasn't sure how you would
respond.
""So now you know why I am so NOT male.""
"Indeed i do. The process of the change is remarkably complex and drawn
out. Have you chosen a name for the future."
.es, I
have chosen one given name but still have not come up with a middle name.
Maybe I will be like you and not have a middle name as a female. The name I
have chosen is unique and has never been used as a name. Do you see
parallels? Daxis, JonBenet
All unique names
created solely for one special person. My new name will be very similar to
my male name. I created it just for her and it is beautiful. I wish I could
tell you.
"I very much want to meet you while you are still daxis. I would feel
kind of deprived if I didn't"
I know you would. I want you to meet me as Daxis but already, my body is
starting to respond to the hormones. The laser treatment has changed my
facial appearance. I used to always have that dark and mysterious shadow
on my face and now it's going fast.
"though obviously i would also very much want to meet the new you."
That comes as a surprise. It makes me very happy. I wonder how you would
respond to the female side. I never asked if you would want to meet her but
I am really glad that you mentioned you would like to see her. She is
different from Daxis. Her personality is different. Her voice is different.
Her accent is California. She's still assertive. She's very maternal. She's
still very attracted to little girls. And she remembers being a little
girl. So now you see that you have met Daxis but you know nothing of his
sister.
"To be honest Daxis I'm kind of perplexed right now as to what to advise.
I need to think it through some more and see if John calls ne. "
He makes me sad. Patricia never would have done this to me.
7
001012
"I'm pleased about that. You were remarkably frank and honest. It took
real guts to tell me what you did."
Thank you. It was painful.
'Did you ever know the name of the fragrance? I would imagine that
knowing that she was wearing it that night you would want to purchase a
bottle so that you could relive the scent."
No, I did not know the name of the fragrance. I have not been a man who
has dated dozens of women and have down pat the name of the fragrance they
are wearing. Remember, the wearing of a fragrance is rare among tittle
girls. It 'has happened only a few times in my life. I just know it was
expensive. I can tell that difference. There is no way to relive that
scent. Perfume changes its smell depending or. the skin that wears it.
JonBenet, being a lovely little girl, would smell differently than would
her mother when she wore the same fragrance.
•
•
•
•
So small that the word percentage does not apply. I would love to
have had sex with all 1500 to 2000 but such was not the case. We
simply don't live in an era, with all its social mores, that is
conducive to the possibilities of having sex with that many
little
"So what number are we talking about?"
I have answered this over and over. I answered it above. I would sever
count the number of lovers I have had. It's just not me.
•
Thank you. I can actually be quite cautious However,
in some ways.
•
•
•
(and this is a big however), based on my past, I have been known to
find a way... I don't know yet how to get close to hot little
Megan. I want her but pesky adults will likely keep her from me.
If
•
she was my student, keeping her from me would be impossible. >
"But I'm sure you have been thinking of a way of being with her. And
given your charm and skills with young girls, who knows?"
Thank you. But I can think of no way to be with her especially with that
jerk for a teacher. Instead, my student is his kid and not
~. School starts Tuesday. I had a terrible dream last night that all the
teachers were talking bad about me in the staff room. By the way, I hate
the fucking staff room. I always stay in my own classroom.
"And it was all about him getting too meet his father. I found the .inal
scene when they get to play a little ball together almost unbearable to
watch."
I can relate to finding certain things unbearable to watch. "What 8
001013
Dreams May Come" was like that for me. I have watched that film with
several of my closest friends since I have left the U.S. I always cry in
front of them. Jennifer's mother was one of them. She was so in love with
me. She wanted to leave her husband and run zway and marry me. She had such
a handsome husband. He was much "ounger than me. I told her so.
•
•
Maybe th.s applies to your
relationship with me. We shall see how many people you will need
to
•
•
convince that I was JonBenet's Daxis. The book will speak volumes
but you will be the physical voice that will respond to doubt.
"And the more you reveal to me, the more detailed the account, the more
I'll be able to do this."
What do you mean by this? I'll try not to read into it more than you
intended. Surely you don't mean what I think you mean. My account of
that night is complete. It is beyond enough. You have enough to convey
why you are convinced. My account was extraordinary. I have nothing more
to add nor should I ever be asked to do so.
""It is a story of a man who has experienced an epiphany - what I hope
you experienced when I revealed JonBenet's Daxis.""
"Absolutely. An experience that will live with me forever."
Thank you. Renember the intensity of that experience and convey that memory
when you are to convince anyone. It will not be you who jonvinces the world.
It will be my words that will make believers out of those who doubt.
"So why don't you tell me as much as you can. i can't overemphasize how
important this will be in my writing the biographical portrait of Daxis."
Again, you have PLENTY to start writing your biographical portrait. Please
"commence firing, fire at will". I have told you a tremendous amount. Why
will you not just start? A journey of a thousand m.-.les begins with the
first step. I should know. I've written this entire book almost and I might
add that I did not paste in a single e-mail. It is all fresh. You have the
information to write the biographical portrait. I'll even create an outline
for it if I have to.
""you would allow yourself to get closer and put away that "male thing"
you talk about so much. Don't you find it boring?""
"I do now, and I'm trying to be open and not bound by male
reticence. Eut do please tell me as much as you can about
yourself."
I have been. There are certain things that I will not allow you to publish
about me. Ask specific questions if you must.
"My mind is the stage upon which you can perform. Please feel free to
perform, offer me the equivalent of the Hanks scene."
But Washington was a terrible pa=lete. At the end, he insensitively exited
hastily out of the room. 1 bet Hanks would think twice if he ever decided
to share with him again. But that has nothing to do with you. I will give
you some advice. Your equivalent to
9
001014
Washington is when you stay away for days and don't respond to the things I
share. I retain, just so you know, because of these things. Maybe there is
no solution to that but I'm just letting you know. Otherwise, you have
become a dear friend to me. I feel `.otally comfortable with you and you
have earned that with letters .ike this one and with your wonderful gesture
in the form of a precious gift.
•
•
•
•
it would depend on the father and how he felt about his own
daughter. It would also depend on how open-minded he is. It might
also depend on how badly he wants an answer to EVERY aspect of my
relationship with his daughter.
"I am sure he is pulled in different directions."
You are certainly a lot more understanding than I am.
""I appreciate your feelings about knowing my little girl. May I ask a
question? Do you love her?'111
"That is a really interesting question. Can one love someone one has
never met. This one I really need to think about."
If you need to think about it, then you've answered your own
question. Love has an instant response.
"What is your other question."
Are you sexually attracted to JonBenet? Sexual attraction also has an
instant response.
•
My comment gas about your possession of her
father's e-mail address and about my lack thereof. I thought,
since
•
I knew his child and was with her to the end, I should deserve the
•
courtesy even more than you. >
"You make a strong point."
But that doesn't matter. I don't matter to John Ramsey. And if I did, I
would have that contact information. While we're on the subject and you
don't seem to want to respond to my letter about John, it occurred to me
that he rejected the manuscript because I asked in the letter that he must
promise not to reveal it to anyone. He, being the good Christian that he
is, knew that he would be sharing my manuscript with his lawyer or law
enforcement. He couldn't lie. He didn't accept it because he couldn't lie.
"Thank you for sharing."
Sharing Jennifer's name was not easy. But I love her name and call out to
her aloud even now. I loved that little girl. She gave so much to me.
Certain things about her reminded me of JonBenet.
'We've dealt with that in our last phone conversation. I know you were
disappointed in his reaction as was I. I'm also frustrated but as I've said
i don't control John, nor do I want to. He has to make his own decisions."
10
001015
He's hurting his chances with me.
""Thank you. You know I would like for it to continue for the
iuration.""
"For the duration of...?"
For the duration of however long our relationship will last. It will
end someday. They always do.
""I_ wish they had found me a: JonBenet's grave
on one of my
visits.""
"How would you have reacted? what would you have said. Would they have
known it was Daxis?"
I'm going to answer that one with a no, if you don't mind. I would have
expressed my love for JonBenet. That would have been obvious with just
their eyewitness of my response. They would have likely caught me crying
there. I would have made efforts to stay in touch with them so that I could
someday reveal the truth to them. Who knows, maybe I would have come out
with it instantly. Maybe I would have said, "I did this to her and I am so
sorry." I cannot know what my emotions would have led me to do. I just wish
I could have seen her mother there.
"Send me the manuscript as quickly as you can - though I know things
are delayed by your wish that it be perfect."
Last night, I spent hours editing. I will go over it one more time and
will then send it to you. Please don't stop talking to me for days after you
receive it as you did when you received Part Two. I 'relieve I will be
able to send Part Three in the next two or three
Jays or sooner.
"more later"
Now Michael, I've read this before.
Your mail was wonderful, by the way. Thanks for finally responding to this
mail. Hopefully, I might get a response to this one and to my other two but
hcw is chat possible? When you stay away, you prevent me from writing. My
writing is my sharing with you. I know you want that because you request
it. Also, when you stay away for days, I never know if it means that all is
over between us. As far as I knew, John Ramsey had called you and convinced
you to drop me. Remember, you do NOT have my permission to send my
manuscript to him in any form. He will have to get that from me IF I decide
to do it after h,s insulting rejection.
You're a good friend - my best friend.
Daxis
11
001016
Bennett, Tom
crom: ,ent: To:
JonBenet.jpg
with him. (r
ATi2954433.txt
Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu] Thursday,
August 10, 2006 11:20 AM Bennett, Tom; Andrew Smit
-and here is the framed photo. I hope Mark can bring it back
JonSenet's precious last image is finally in the
loving hands of her Prince Daxis, where it belongs.
She looks just as she did on our special night. There
are no words worthy of the gratitude I feel in my
heart for this precious gift. I shall treasure it
forever.
Daxis
1
001017
Bennett, Tom
Crom:
sent:
To:
He just sentt this. There are several attachments. Not quite sure how
to send them. He's also using for this mail a new email address:
daxis199o@fastmail.fm
Michael,
I am sending you something as a memorial for your father. I am sure you
have seen this before but it is the thought that counts. This comes with
instructions so listen carefully. First, there is an MP3 music filed
attached. i recorded it myself from a DVD I own. Next, there are four
pictures attached. I captured them from the same DVD and edited them in
Photoshop. The photos are labeled: First, Second, Third and Fourth. Listen
to the sound file and look at the photos in order. It would have been my
choice to send you a clip but I don't have the software for that. The words
of the song I have sent are below. I have attached the lyrics of the song
in its entirety as a Microsoft document. This is only an excerpt and does
not include the first half.
And kind old King George sent when he heard that father was It was, I
recall, in the form iith cold leaf and all and I found it one day
in a drawer of old photographs, And my eyes still grow damp To remember
That his majesty signed With his own rubber stamp
mother a note gone
of a
scroll
It was dark all around
There was -frost in the ground When the tigers broke free And no one
survived from the They were all left behind Most of them dead The rest of
them dying And that's how the high Took my daddy from me
Royal
hidden away
Fusiliers, Company C
command
Excerpt from Roger Waters' "When the Tigers Broke Daxis
1
Free" "The Wall" DVD
001018
Bennett, Tom
'crom: Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
,ent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:57 PM
To:
Subject:
the last one?
Daxis, sorry about the problems in getting back to you. I've been so
Goddamn frustrated all day. There seems to be a problem with my computer,
it keeps crashing. You know that I am brain dead when it comes to techie
stuff, but there is nothing more guaranteed to make me scream than when
something goes wrong and I haven't a clue. That's that male side emerging,
when I am SO male.
On Aug 11, 2006, at 10:50 AM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
• • "Daxis, sorry about the delay in getting back to you, I've been
• having computer problems."
•
•
I never know what is going on. As far as I know, you're gone for
good.
I promise you I am not gone for good, or ever. Michael Tracey will always
be a presence in the life of Daxis - if that is what you wish of coursejust as Daxis will always be with Jonbenet. I also wanted to say how much I
appreciated the poem in particular. I was very moved and I suddenly
realized that i have probably told you more about my feelings about the
loss of my father than anyone else. Maybe a couple of female friends a long
time ago. So you taking the time to do what you did in response is
especially precious. I finally managed 'o print out the manuscript. it is
is very powerful. In fact it is a ..erious literary essay about which you
should be so proud. Parts of it doesn't make easy reading, but all of it
makes powerful reading, and that's quite an accomplishment. Something I've
never been able to achieve. I've started sketching notes to myself for the
biographical sketch. I'm thinking about 8 to 10000 words. I'm going to try
for a very Maileresque style and have been rereading The Executioner's Song
to get into "the voice," Actually having heard your voice really helps
though i do wish we could meet. I think it might be important to have more
frequent conversations as I flesh it out. I spoke with our dragon lady
accountant and said that i wanted to use my scholars's fund to pay for a
series of "research," interviews. Are you OK financially? I don't have much
to spare but I could wire you some money if it would help.
I am going down to Boulder again tomorrow to get my computer checked out. I
was thinking that it would be terrific to call you and develop our
conversation. Would 11am Boulder time work?
I imagine that you are thinking about Tuesday. A special day for you. The
start of a new school year. We start back at the end of August, and I am
not looking forward to it. i have a strong feeling that you are a much more
dedicated teacher than I am.
• • "Excellent. I will run hard copies and get back to you as soon as i
• can."
• • Thanks...
"And thank you for the wonderful emails that I have just seen from
• • yesterday."
• You're welcome. You didn't mention if all of them arrived.
1
001019
They all did, and I am enormously grateful for them. After I read you
manuscript, I was I must admit transfixed, just sitting there thinking.
Interestingly, and maybe for obvious reasons, I kept running through my
mind your description of your relationship with
,our father. But also you new account of the young girls was :a•
ptivating.
• There is no mention in this mail that you will ever respond to any
• of my mails. E-mail has become almost impossible with you lately.
• It hurts.
I'm sorry and apologize, but please blame the vagaries of technology not
me. BTW, I had a very cryptic message from John Ramsey tonight. He is
clearly pacing the floor on how to proceed. Watch this space as they say,
though I've never quite understood who "they" were. Looking forward
enormously to speaking with you tomorrow. Take care,
Michael
>
• Daxis
• https://www.hushsal.com?1=485
2
001020
Bennett, Tom
prom: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
sent: Saturday, August 12, 2006 10:08 AM
To:
Michael,
"There seems to be a problem with my computer, it keeps crashing."
If you didn't have a Mac, I could help you. I build PC's and know
software inside and out. The mom in Bavaria loved that side of me. She
exalted me to the upper realms every time I did anything to help her
with her computer and her daughters' computers. I finally took hers
completely apart and put it back together again. She said computers are
complicated females and they responded to me because I know females so
well - inside and out. Just remember, she said it, not me.
My computer crashed while you were away for the weekend. Of course, my
book is constantly backed up. It took a few hours but I got my computer
up and running again. I might still be able to help you with yours. If I
was there with you, I definitely could. But then again, you have a Mac.
I've worked with them but I don't know them inside and out like I know
PC's. Maybe it's like a little girl/big girl thing - not that one is
more complicated than the other.
"That's that male side emerging, when I am SO male."
'tefer to what the mom said in Bavaria.
"I promise you I am not gone for good, or ever. Michael Tracey will
always be a presence in the life of Daxis - if that is what you wish of
coursejust as Daxis will always be with Jonbenet."
Thank you. It's like you can read my mind lately. I was just thinking
about this recently because I thought of what I wrote to you - that
everyone finally exits my life. I really appreciate that you would
consider to be around me for a long time. Thank you for that. I really
don't have any friends. I have some acquaintances but nothing worth
mentioning. I make people laugh and that makes people happy. So a few
hang around for the laughs. It's nice to know that someone would hang
around for other reasons. I've always wondered what it would be like to
be loved just for being a bore. I watch people who just sit there and
say nothing and have nothing interesting about their lives. They marry
and have children and friends. Then there's me. But thank you for saying
that. I will try to trust that what you say will come to pass. I think
John Ramsey has a tremendous influence on you and he wants' nothing to
do with me. So I guess I think you might follow him someday. I wish he
was my friend too. I could make a really good friend to you both. But
then, you said, "always be a presence". That's different from a friend.
"I also wanted to say how much I appreciated the poem in
particular."
That poem was a song. It was attached and I wanted you to listen to it.
I spent hours trying to get that song recorded just right for /ou.
Please tell me you heard it. And the photos. Did you get the photos?
"I was very moved and I suddenly realized that i have probably told
1
001021
you more about my feelings about the loss of my father than anyone else."
Thank you. I'm glad you feel a closeness to me.
So you taking the time to do what you did in response is
especially precious."
I am so glad it touched your heart. it was an act of compassion and a kind
gesture toward a friend. I hope you have a scroll - gold leaf and all. Do
you have anything of your father's? That's important.
"it is is very powerful. In fact it is a serious literary essay about
which you should be so proud."
Thank you. That means a lot coming from you, Professor Tracey. I am very
proud of it. And that is all I expect to be as it will never be published.
But I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I wrote it and that one
person read it. It is an amazing story. The strange thing is, it is a
snapshot of less than five years. In the last five years, I have lived so
much when I could have been locked away in a 9 x 12 cell. I haven't hurt
anyone. I've loved. And what's so bad about that? The director of Patton
once said that the best drama for film comes from the the life of a person
who experiences extreme highs and extreme lows. He said it was like looking
at an electrocardiogram. Patton was just that. I am just that.
"Parts of it doesn't make easy reading"
What does that mean? I tried to write as perfectly as possible. Or do you
mean it was difficult to read as in painful to have :nowledge of?
"but all of it makes powerful reading, and that's quite an
accomplishment."
Thank you. It took two weeks to write and five years to live.
"Something I've never been able to achieve."
That's means a lot coming from you. I will give you a tip; Live it and it
will come.
"I've started sketching notes to myself for the biographical sketch.
I'm thinking about 8 to 10000 words."
That sounds great. My work in Parts one through three are 64,612 words so
far. You cannot count pages as my manuscript is written on 8.5 x 11 inch
paper with one inch margins. This will be equivalent to more pages in a
printed book. I downloaded a copy of "A Little Princess" by Frances Hodgson
Burnett and placed it in MS Word. I formatted it similarly to DAXIS. My
book is the same length. Don't worry that the book will not be long enough.
"I'm going to try for a very Maileresque style and have been
rereading The Executioner's Song to get into "the voice,"
Please don't get too carried away with Mailer. I only mentioned that book
because it is in the Novel genre. I really don't know why. I never read
much of the book. I watched the film several times. I'm a film watcher.
And there's nothing wrong with that. If t remember it correctly, Mailer
wrote of Gary Gilmore as a cold blooded killer who had the death penalty
coming to him. Of course, Gilmore was just that and probably deserved
that approach. I haven't seen that book since I was a teenager so I can't
say I
2
001022
recall anything. Just remember, I reserve the write to ask you to omit
certain things that you might be so inclined to add. I hope you and I
don't have some difficult times to come because of that. Please be
understanding.
Actually having heard your voice really helps though i do wish we could
meet."
I wish we could meet as well. Not knowing how I look is something going
against you here. You said of yourself, "I'm not a pretty boy." I didn't
mean to laugh when you said that. But I will say that, all my life, I have
been told that I AM a pretty boy. And you can't see that on the phone. The
older I get, the less pretty I am. Did I ever tell you how obsessed I am
with my appearance? It's almost as bad as that song by Carly Simon, "You're
So Vain". I know you won't ever respond to the mail, but I let you see a
glimpse of my female counterpart - an invaluable glimpse.
"I think it might be important to have more frequent conversations as I
flesh it out."
That's fine with me. I would be glad to talk to you on the phone. I always
enjoy the calls. And I am easy to talk to. I am never at a loss for words.
I've always known that I would be an interviewer's delight if ever I was
interviewed. Looks like now, I am.
"I spoke with our dragon lady accountant and said that i wanted to use my
scholars's fund to pay for a series of "research," interviews."
What is a scholar's fund? It must be something special. Thank you, Michael.
I think we should set up some kind of situation on the internet with voice.
There is a program called Skype. I would have 'o concede to allowing the
lack of anonymity as the IP is recorded. _ might consider it. That would be
free.
"Are you OK financially? I don't have much to spare but I could wire
you some money if it would help."
Thank you. That's really nice of you to offer. Where would you get the
money? Also, I would have to give you my full name to receive wired money
which is never possible. In other words, it is impossible to wire money to
me. I am never ok financially. I have savings that is around three or four
thousand dollars right now. It goes fast. I still don't know how I will
receive my money for the book. I am screwed because I can't set up an
anonymous account. I'll probably have to hire some attorney to accept the
money in his name and that will cost a chunk that I will not have to begin
with. I am stressing over it quite a bit. It's like Patricia always said,
"I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't."
"I am going down to Boulder again tomorrow to get my computer checked
out. I was thinking that it would be terrific to call you and develop our
conversation. Would 11am Boulder time work?"
Yes but 10 AM would work better. I will be waiting for your call. My time
schedule will change drastically after school starts. Not meaning I will
not have time. It means I will not have the chance to have late night calls
with you as we have been. It might have to reverse to night time calls in
Boulder. My work will begin at 7 AM and end at 3 PM so no more late nights
for me after this weekend.
"I imagine that you are thinking about Tuesday. A special day for you. The
start of a new school year. We start back at the end of August, and I am
not looking forward to it. i have a strong feeling that you
are a much more dedicated teacher than I am."
3
001023
I think the difference in us is that I am passionate about my students and
you are not. This is not your fault. You are dealing with an age group
that I would not want to work with. I have in the last worked with teens.
It was paradoxical in the most extreme ,ense of the word.
"They all did, and I am enormously grateful for them."
You are welcome for all the mails. Too bad you won't be responding to
them. I asked you some questions... one was about my little girl. I love
her so much. I look at her photo every time I walk by which is a hundred
times a day. I still think she is so sexy. But also, she is just so cute.
That photo of her evokes happiness in me. Sometimes, I do cry just after I
feel a happy glow. My tears are sad. But mostly, it makes me happy to see
her. Her hair is just as I remembered it - sexy light blonde highlights on
top and in front with honey blonde dripping from the ends of the long
strands downward. She was so pretty to me.
"After I read you manuscript, I was I must admit transfixed, just
sitting there thinking."
I hope the accounts in "From the Ashes" took you away from the pain.
The amazing thing about my life is that I can experience a surreal and
wonderful existence after so much agony.
"Interestingly, and maybe for obvious reasons, I kept running through
my mind your description of your relationship with your father."
And I was so brief about that. I wasn't planning on sharing it at all.
But I thought I should mention a bit about my family. especially in light
of the fact that there is no mention of my Biological children. I didn't
have the heart to mention them. That is a most painful and agonizing
aspect of my life. I respect their privacy too much to mention them in a
book. Maybe someday, I will write just about them. I was a father. I was
a close father who played a huge role in the lives of my children - in
time and in intensity.
"But also you new account of the young girls was captivating."
Not young girls, Michael - little girls. Remember, there is a difference.
The girls of ten or twelve are young girls and I did mention them a few
times. I am glad you enjoyed that part. It is a description of life. And
there is not enough of that about JonBenet which is unfortunate but just
the way it must be.
"I'm sorry and apologize, but please blame the vagaries of
technology not me."
Thank you, Michael. But you had stopped answering all my mails long before
the crash.
"BTW, I had a very cryptic message from John Ramsey tonight. He is
clearly pacing the floor on how to proceed."
You cannot know how much I resent that you can get messages,
however cryptic, from Mr. Ramsey and I cannot. In 2003, I was provided,
very easily, with two e-mail addresses supposedly belonging to the Ramseys.
I wrote an e-mail to them with no response of course. This occurred to me
this morning. Why was it so sasy then yet virtually impossible now? I'm
very hurt at John. Why did he give a message to me before Patricia died but
has now so drastically changed after her death and now, will not talk to
me? He's pacing the floor? I think he's being pulled about whether he
4
001024
will turn me in to law enforcement or not. I was right about why he would
not accept my manuscript. I made him promise not to share it and he could
not do that. I don't think he's my friend anymore. I think he's slowly
turning into my enemy.
Watch this space as they say, though I've never quite understood who
"they" were."
I've been watching this space for way too long. It's killing me to watch
it. He's blowing it with me. I'll never forget this rejection. He has no
intention of talking to me. I think I'll settle it once and for all and
just say, "I refuse to talk to him". He's abusing a delicate offer. It's
really hurting me more than you know.
"Looking forward enormously to speaking with you tomorrow."
Thank you. I will be as well. I'll try to keep my mouth shut long enough
for you to ask a question. It would be advantageous if you pose a number
of them up front and then bring me back to them.
Yesterday, I closed down my writing and put in a copy of "The Sound of
Music" into my computer's DVD drive. It made me happy to watch it. I think
I'll finish it tonight. That film is much about me. I used to spend time in
Salzburg and often thought of the film while I was there. I miss Europe.
Looking forward to the call. I suppose I will have a magic "one hour".
This time, I will look at a clock and try to pace myself.
Daxis
'oncerned about your privacy? Instantly send FREE secure email, no
account required
http://www,hushmail.com/send?1=480
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5
001025
Bennett, Tom
room: Michael Tracey [Michael.Tracey©colorado.edu]
ant: Sunday, August 13, 2006 11:38 AM
To:
Subject:
"Questions and Their Answers"
Tom, this is really interesting. I think he knows you
are about to collar him. He claims intuitive powers.
Maybe he does. Got your message about the late hours.
What you have done is incredibly admirable and
professional. I just hope that he's the guy, but even
if he isn't he needs to be put away. I was thinking
about Mark's suggestion that I call Daxis just as
they are about to arrest him. I must admit that my
immediate reaction, for reasons that I can't quite
explain, was that I suddenly had the sense of the
enormous psychological relief for me that such a
moment would offer. However, I fully appreciate you
comment about not being "too cute." That's a
sentiment that Bryan Morgan shares - i discussed it
with him yesterday. Obviously I have enormous respect
for yours and Bryan's judgment. However, I think the
other point that I think Mark was making - and maybe
you have already discussed this with him was one that i didn't fully grasp until I was
thinking about late last night. It is that that this
would be the last opportunity for him to volunteer
information. Mark was specifically interested in
using a fictitious phone conversation with John in
which John had agreed to talk with Daxis but would
demand to have Daxis tell that she didn't suffer.
Also that I had found a publlisher who was willing to
read the manuscript, but would want the last section
and more details. Your call obviously.
This mail is another example of his preparing a
defense ie. that he 's totally adrift from any
meaningful grasp of reality. It also ,tchoes the
call yesterday in which
questions.
m
he asked me to ask him
(Excerpt from the film Rain Man, starring Tom
Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. In a precourt evaluation
to determine custody of a psychiatric patient named
Raymond, a psychiatrist asks him if he wishes to
live with his brother Charlie or return to
Wallbrook - a home for the psychologically
challenged.)
Psychiatrist: Raymond, can I ask you
a few questions? Charlie: The
doctor's talking to you.
Psychiatrist: Can I ask you a few questions? Do you
wanna stay with your brother? Raymond, would you
Like to stay with your brother in Los Angeles?
Charlie: The doctor's asking you a
question. So you listen. Raymond: Yeah.
Psychiatrist: Raymond, do you wanna stay with your
brother Charlie? Do you wanna stay with your
brother?
Raymond: Yeah.
Psyc
hiat
rist
: Yo
u do
? Ra
ymon
d:
Yeah
.
Psychiatrist: You wanna stay with your brother?
1
001026
Raymond: Yeah. I wanna stay with my brother Charlie Babbitt.
Psychiatrist: That's what you want?
iymond: Yeah.
Psychiatrist: You wanna stay with your brother?
Raymond: Yeah.
Psychiatrist: Can I ask you something else?
Raymond: Yeah.
Psychiatrist; You wanna go back to Wallbrook?
Raymond; Yeah.
Psychiatrist: Raymond, can you make a distinction between your brother
and Wallbrook?
Raymond: Yeah.
Psychiatrist: Do you wanna stay with your brother?
Raymond: Yeah.
Psychiatrist: Or do you wanna go to Wallbrook?
Raymond: Yeah.
Psychiatrist: They're two separate things. Your brother or
Wallbrook? It's not one thing, Raymond.
..aymond: Back to Wallbrook, stay with Charlie.
Psychiatrist: Okay.
Raymond: Back to Wallbrook, stay with Charlie. Psychiatrist: Can
you make that choice? One or the other. Raymond: Go back to
Wallbrook.
Psychiatrist: All right.
Charlie: Just hold on here. All right. All right. You made your point.
You don't have to humiliate him. Ray, it's okay.
Questions and their answers... And who wants to feel like Raymond? Daxis
required
2
001027
Bennett, Tom
erom: Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu]
ant: Sunday, August 13, 2006 11:42 AM
To:
Sennett, Tom; Andrew Smit
Michael,
Last night, you said: John Ramsey already knows what happened to his
daughter - she was asphyxiated. I responded and contend to respond, "Refer
to Part Two of my manuscript." And if this overwhelming account does not
supercede the point you brought up, I remain amazed.
Last night, you asked what I could possibly offer to John Ramsey if he
decided to talk to me. Though astounded, I responded to that fully and
appropriately in our conversation. However, I wanted to add to it by
repeating excerpts from my first letter to Patricia. It pains me to repeat
such a sensitive letter; however, I believe you and John need to be
reminded of my wishes for Patricia. In so doing, you will once again
understand my intentions for JonBenet's father. You and John need to be
reminded of what I have to offer to her father. You once said to me that
"it is within your gift". Last night, I heard something so different. So
once again, read my words to Patricia so that you might understand again,
the intensity of what is "within my gift".
""Mrs. Ramsey, my name is Daxis. I knew your little girl, JonBendt. I
loved her very much. I feel strongly that I can reveal much to
you about her last night of life. Mrs. Ramsey, I was with her when she
died. Her death has destroyed me and has left me in the deepest depths of
sorrow. I know the pain and grief you have endured over the years. The
events of that night are not what they seem to be. I believe I can relieve
your suffering over the loss of your daughter. I would like to do that for
you, Mrs. Ramsey. I would like to be given the chance to ease your mind
and help mend your broken heart. I grieve without cease over her death. I
cannot begin to know what you are going through but I do grieve for the
same child. We have more in common than you might know. We loved the same
little girl. We grieve over the loss of the same wonderful child. Oh
please, Mrs. Ramsey, give me the chance to share what happened to her and
to lift this darkness and confusion over the events of that night. If I
could say but one word that would give you a small amount of peace, it
would be worth it all.
We can walk through that valley of sorrow together. I believe that a
healing can begin. Though I would never be so selfish as to ask for your
forgiveness, I believe it would lighten this heavy load that you are
carrying. I would want this only for you. Even if you have forgiven, you
have never been given the chance to focus that forgiveness on an actual
person who has come before you as I have now - with a new understanding of
who I am and what happened on the night I was with your little girl. And
if you have not found it in your heart to forgive, I believe I can make
this easier for you. I know that you have carried a heavy cross for almost
ten years. I believe I can lift that cross from you. I will take that cross
upon me and bear the pain that I so deserve.
I believe God's Hand has intervened in this matter. I believe it is time
for closure. I will never receive closure but you can - I will make sure
of that. I will make every effort to help you through this. We cannot know
today what tomorrow will bring. I pray that tomorrow will bring you good
health. I further pray that you will
1
001028
give me a chance to help you find peace at last; to find rest after years
of struggling with the horrible thoughts of your little girl's last
moments. I want your body to heal from this illness and I want your heart
to follow in that healing. I want to give you
'ace through any words I might be able to say to you.
God Bless you, Mrs. Ramsey. My love and prayers are with you in this time
of illness. Let us love your wonderful little girl together. Let me take
on your pain and bear this heavy cross. I pray that you will find it in
your heart to permit me to do this for you. I come to you with unreal
respect and admiration. You are the mother of the most wonderful little
girl I have ever known - a little girl I love past all others. You were
and will always be JonBenet's precious mommy and for that I shall always
esteem you and admire you and give what I can give to you that will bring
you ultimate peace.""
If there is to be a response to this mail, please do not quote my letter
to Patricia.
Daxis
2
001029
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey (Michael.Tracey@colorado.edu)
Michael,
I sent another mail as well. I sent several mails that were much more
important than this little note a few days back. Why can't you answer my
mails anymore? It's really beginning to bother me. You're changing. Why?
I don't think I deserve it.
•
Daxis, of all the countless mails we have had this is possibly the
•
•
most enigmatic - or elliptical as I used to say to you - or the
most revealing.
How so? What's enigmatic about it? You read too deep. It's simple. It's
a description of the uncomfortableness that one might feel if asked a
question over and over and having answered it over and over.
"Why would you identify with Raymond. He was an "idiot savant." You are
an extremely intelligent, aware, focussed, passionate man."
I do NOT identify with Raymond. I know what his diagnosis was.
Thanks for your compliments.
"Of course, no-one wants to be Raymond, but then it was never about
choice. He was what he was, just as it is what it is."
I'm glad you agree with my comment. That's all it was. A comment. "So
this one really has me perplexed." So much so that you won't answer my
other mails?
"I will do my best to call, but things are hectic and given your
school schedule complicated timewise."
I am so sorry that I had to change the time you call me. But I have been
revolving around your schedule on the calls all this time. For the first
time, I made a request about the time and now you are turning me down. So
now, no mail and no calls. That's nice timing, Michael.
"Isn't the whole point that we really don't know HOW Raymond
feels."
That was the point of the film but that was not the point of my quote. If
I've answered a question, though it is in the form of "I will not respond
to that question", I don't want to be made to feel like Raymond. And that
was my point. I wanted to make my point subtly but obviously, it was
misinterpretted as subtle.
"He is lost in this abyss that the rational, moral, normal mind cannot
begin to fathom. He is also utterly harmless. He is simply damaged, in
his case almost certainly by genetic disposition, just
1
001030
as others are damaged by circumstance and experience. So the most
profound answer to the question that you and I have to deal with after
all this time is very simple one of ...well, why don't you fill in the
blank."
So you're telling me that if I do not tell you how I met JonBenet, all is
off? Furthermore, if I do not divulge all the secrets between JonBenet and
me, all is off? That goes completely against the underlying theme of this
entire discourse. You once said, "tell me as much or as little as you
want". Now you're saying, "fill in the blanks"? Wow. After the outpouring
in that manuscript, you want me to fill in the blanks? That's amazing. We
could have left it at the ransom note. How soon we forget. I'll hold on to
the manuscript and let the world ponder over that ridiculous note 'till the
end of time and then we will see who once filled in every blank.
"School starts for you Tuesday. It must be exciting and enthralling for
you, filled with anticipation."
I have a very bad feeling about the whole matter. I've been having bad
dreams about the school for weeks now. Thanks for the encouragement. I
need it. I visited my classroom yesterday. I was looking over the
textbooks. I'm not impressed at all with the language arts program. I was
looking over my incomplete student list. I wonder if I will have even one
pretty little girl in my class.
"And just for the record, I know you can more than deal with that pain in
the arse 1st grade teacher. Tuesday begins a whole new chapter in the
life of Daxis."
Thank you. You are beginning to sound like the Michael Tracey I once knew
before John Ramsey turned down my manuscript and before that very bad phone
conversation that has left me very upset. Before you stopped responding to
all my mails... It almost makes me feel interesting to you again.
"All I have to look forward to are intellectually undernourished
students with world class self esteem."
I would like to talk to you about that sometime. "Take
care Daxis, take care."
I'm pretty upset with your change. Our mail correspondence has reverted
back to my monologue. It reminds me of when I was writing to you from
Europe. You're tightening that stage again - the one you want me to share
on. I don't have a problem sharing certain things more about myself but I
reserve the right and deserve the respect to withhold certain things
especially in light of the enormity of my manuscript and the intensity of
what it reveals. I know I must have you wrong but I need some reassurance.
Your entire persona was different on the call. I found myself fighting for
my life to get as much respect from you as you hold for John Ramsey. Why is
that, Michael? It is because I took the life of a darling child? I could
relate to that. I think I finally convinced you that I might be as worthy
of respect as John Ramsey but I had to play the role of New York lawyer to
get there. I know you have had a computer crash but you still have my mails
and you've stopped responding except to notes. I predict that when I
release Part Four to you, you'll only wave.
"No, not baby anymore,
If I need you I'll just call your simple name. Only
kisses on the cheek from now on.
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave."
2
001031
Fiona Apple
It's just a song, Michael. It's about a romantic relationship that's
cooling off and falling apart. The romantic connection does not apply to
you and I.
Daxis
3
001032
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Michael Tracey [Michaei.Tracey@colorado.edu]
Bennett, Tom
Tom, here's what I sent him. I'm also sending a mail that came in this
morning. He is edgy, which actually is nothing new. He's always been very
moody when he thinks he's not the centre of my universe. m
Daxis, i got your mails. a million apologies for not replying to them all
earlier. I know the book is a priority, for both of us. But life is hectic
today and what I like to do when replying to you is to take my time and
think about what it is that I want to say. Sometimes it comes out short,
sometimes longer, but believe me I always try to think through what it is I
want to say. I also spent a good deal of the weekend developing the outline
for the profile. Here's what i'd like to do. I'm tied up until about
3.30ish Boulder time. I thought it would be nice just to call and wish you
well on your first day at your new school. I know how excited you must feel
about this. I will call at around 4pm our time, since I seem to remember
you saying that on school days you need to get up at about 4 am and that
school starts at 7.30. Then this evening I promise you that i will reply to
the mails. You do seem to have been down recently and I 'm so sorry you
feel that way. Do please try and be cheery and know that the book will be a
great success.
Michael
1
001033
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Subject:
"A Sudden Change of Heart"
Michael,
This is my second mail today. Of course, I wrote to you twice yesterday and
did not even get an acknowledgement that you received the second one. Just
because you receive this mail, it doesn't make my other mail any less
important.
In my diligence to complete the book, I've been reading all my organized
excerpts from my pleadings to communicate with Patricia. It's pathetic and
sad. I suffered so much and it's horrible to reread it. It's an ongoing
account of my begging and pleading that did me no good whatsoever. I ran
across this very important mail you sent to me on the day of Patricia's
death. I'm still so hurt at you that you could not call me immediately when
you found out that she died. Instead, you called me when her death was
released to the press. I deserved better.
I want you to tell me why John Ramsey has taken a 180 degree turn from what
he felt on the night before Patricia died? He told you he wanted to call
me. He wrote, "It would be very helpful to Patsy and to our family to know
the full story and understand how this came about and why and how it
happened. It would help to bring closure to me to have that
understanding." That's a far cry from what you said, "He knows how his
daughter died - as the result of asphyxia." I want you to tell me why this
man who conveyed this personal message to me is the same man who turned
away my account of all that happened on that night - his request below. You
know what I think? I think he should have been nurtured with my messages as
soon as I asked you to convey them. Weeks passed without the conveyance of
a message I asked you to convey at Patricia's funeral.
I want you to read what you wrote and what John Ramsey conveyed to me
personally through you. And then you tell me what happened. Maybe you
could remind Mr. Ramsey of his message to me below and ask HIM that
question.
I spoke with John last night and Patsy was gravely ill. He asked me to
tell you that he has agreed to speak with you on the phone. Now is not
the right time but within a few days, if you tell him which phone # you
would wish him to use. The second thing is, he asked me to write down and
pass on to you a statement he has prepared. I did so, and here it is
exactly as he read it to me:
"I very much appreciate the love you had for my daughter. It is not my kind
of love. I'm not sure I understand it but I appreciate it. I have prayed
for you without knowing who you are. It would be very helpful to Patsy and
to our family to know the full story and understand how this came about and
why and how it happened. it would help to bring closure to me to have that
understanding. Patsy has been unfairly vilified and accused in the eyes of
the world. JonBenet would be very sad to see what the world has concluded
about her mother. Can't you help with your love for JonBenet and for Patsy
by clearing this up."
To say I'm upset right now is quite an understatement. I've been 1
001034
conveying that for two days now. Sorry "things are getting hectic" with
you but I deserve to be your priority for at least as long as it takes you
to write your part of the book.
I appreciate all that you have done for me. Let nothing I write express
otherwise. However, you just cannot know how upset I feel right now. John
Ramsey's rejection of me is hard enough without the fact that it is
changing you towards me. That was the most difficult and negative call we
have had since I've known you.
Daxis
2
001035
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 9:50 PM
To:
Subject:
"From My Classroom"
Michael,
Thank you for your kind note. I am at typing this
from my classroom on my first day at school. I don't
really understand your note concerning a call. My
dedicated line to you and John Ramsey was turned off
for the first time on my Tuesday morning. If you
tried to call me, I did not receive your call. I am
sorry about that. I needed to hear from you. I am
quite upset about so many things. Last night, I woke
up at 2.33 AM and never went back to sleep.
I just talked to
. While I was talking to her,
I was surrounded by three other little girls all
putting their hands on my shoulders and clammorin
to tell me their names. It was like seeing a
celebrity to see ~. I knelt before her. She wanted
to show me her new shoes. My favorites - with real
buckles and all. I love her so much. She is younger
than I was thinking. She is in Kindergarten which
means I will not have her for two years. I said,
I told a very good friend of mine about
you in America." I walking about you. I was
straightening her little string tie. That
kindergarten class is filled with little girls.
was spellbound when she saw me. As she walked away,
I asked, "What am
I,
?" And she instantly replied, "You're a monster."
I have a very small class with only 8 students. I
have only four girls. But I don't have a
.
The kids seem really sweet.
Please respond to my mails, Michael. As you can
see, I really need you.
I was expecting a call on your Tuesday
AM. This will be the night of my first
could still put in your presence on my
appreciate so much that you want to be
first day.
morning at 8
day so you
first day. I
a part of my
I need to talk to you about the book. It's very
important. Though I feel you might be disappointed,
I think my idea is for the best.
Daxis
1
001036
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Monday, August 14, 2006 10:25 PM
Daxis, thanks for emailing. I was a little concerned when I called
several times and kept getting this voice message saying that the number
was not available. Probably my fault really because it was a spare of the
moment thing, and I know that you like a little more advance notice.
On Aug 14, 2006, at 9:20 PM, Daxis wrote:
• Michael,
• • Thank you for your kind note.
You're welcome.
• I am at typing this from my classroom
• on my first day at school. I don't really understand your note
• concerning a call.
There were a couple of things I wanted to call about. The first and most
important was to wish you well on your first day. I know how important your
teaching is to you, and what a perfectionist you are in the classroom. The
other was that I have a nibble from a publisher. It's all very coy, hints
of a fascinating manuscript that could well get world wide attention and
therefore lots of greenbacks, and pounds and Deutschmarks etc, which as you
have so astutely said is all ultimately what they care about. It was one of
those friend of a friend kind of connections. The first friend trusts me,
and knows where my interests lie. There is nothing specific that I have
said about the manuscript, but they know I think it's interesting. And
believe it or not there are some people who still trust my judgment. Not a
lot, but some.
• My dedicated line to you and John Ramsey was
• turned off for the first time on my Tuesday morning. If you tried
• to call me, I did not receive your call. I am sorry about that. I
• needed to hear from you.
it was frustrating for me as well, but as i say my fault, I should have
given you more notice.
• I am quite upset about so many things.
What are you upset about? I know that there are tremendous stresses in you
life, but against that you have your new job, you have a wonderful
manuscript and you have, if I may put it this way, the serious knowledge
that there is every likelihood that soon the whole world will know about
Daxis and JonBenet, even if the whole world will be left with the the
baffling question of: where is Daxis, who is he, what is he doing now?
Still, the power of the text will supersede those questions.
•
Last night, I woke up at 2.33 AM and never went back to sleep.
Why? What was on your mind?
• • I just talked to . While I was talking to her, I was
• surrounded by three other little girls all putting their hands on
• my shoulders and clammoring to tell me their names. It was like
• seeing a celebrity to see
Do you think that in some sense she is a new JonBenet? As I ask that
question I know the answer: there can never be anyone in your life to come
close to your relationship with JonBenet. So in that sense it was a silly
question. Forgive me. Which doesn't mean that I do not
1
001037
understand your attraction to
• I knelt before her. She wanted o
• show me her new shoes. My favorites - with real buckles and all. I
• love her so muc
• Kindergarten which means I will not have her for two years.
I thought you were only going to give the school a year. Does this mean
that you are revising your plans so that you can have
in your
class. You are a patient man Daxis. But what about the new Daxis? Wont
that happen in the next year?
• I said,
•
" I told a very good friend of mine about you in America." I
• was talking about you.
You did????? Did you tell her that I was a Brit, a professor who loves
English beer and is fascinated by the story of Daxis. Probably not. One
thing I'm confused about, is she a Brit or South African, or a Brit raised
in South Africa? Remember "monsta" or am i getting my girls mixed up.
• I was straightening her little string tie.
• That kindergarten class is filled with little girls. was
• spellbound when she saw me. As she walked away, I aske hat am
• I• , ?" And she instantly replied, "You're a monster."
•
•
I have a very small class with only 8 students. I have only four
girls. But I don't have a . The kids seem really sweet.
That's good.
• • Please respond to my mails, Michael. As you can see, I really need
• you.
I'm glad to hear that, and i very much appreciate your saying this. Very
kind. But what do you need me for: to unburden, to help get the book out,
to be a friend in a friendless world? All of the above?
• • I was expecting a call on your Tuesday morning at 8 AM. This will
• be the night of my first day so you could still put in your
• presence on my first day. I appreciate so much that you want to be
• a part of my first day.
Of course I did. When would be the best time to call you, then I can be
assured of getting through.
• • I need to talk to you about the book. It's very important. Though I
•
feel you might be disappointed, I think my idea is for the best. As
ever you have me intrigued. What is your idea and why, pray tell, will I
be disappointed? I've never been disappointed in your ideas. They are
always fascinating, revealing, compelling. That's DAXIS.
Take care,
Michael
• • Daxis
001038
001039
Bennett, Tom
Sent:
Tuesday, August 15, 2006 7:29 AM
To:
Subject:"After My First Day"
Michael,
Thank you for the uplifting mails.
"Daxis, thanks for emailing. I was a little concerned when I called several
times and kept getting this voice message saying that the number was not
available. Probably my fault really because it was a spare of the moment
thing, and I know that you like a little more advance notice."
We had planned it on our Saturday call that you would call me on your
Tuesday morning at 8 AM. You make no mention that you will call me at all
at this time now. Sad... I usually keep that phone on at all times but I
would really rather not get a call from someone like John Ramsey in the
middle of deep sleep. Not that I have anything to worry about. Also,
mornings my time will never work. I would be late for work.
"There were a couple of things I wanted to call about. The first and most
important was to wish you well on your first day. I know how important your
teaching is to you, and what a perfectionist you are
in the classroom."
I appreciate that you wanted to wish me well. That's means a lot. It's
like we're true friends. Thank you. I am a perfectionist and am delighted
that my little students respond well to my perfectionist demands. I think
we're going to get along just fine.
"The other was that I have a nibble from a publisher."
That sounds good. I have a problem trusting publishers. My book is not
copyrighted. I am not comfortable about that.
"It's all very coy, hints of a fascinating manuscript that could well get
world wide attention and therefore lots of greenbacks, and pounds and
Deutschmarks etc,"
That's a nice compliment.
"which as you have so astutely said is all ultimately what they care
about."
That's the way I feel.
"It was one of those friend of a friend kind of connections. The first
friend trusts me, and knows
where my interests lie. There is nothing specific that I have said about
the manuscript, but they know I think it's interesting. And believe it or
not there are some people who still trust my judgment.
Not a lot, but some."
I'm glad you are trusted. I hope it works out. I want to get all excited
but I won't believe anything until I see proof.
1
001040
"What are you upset about?"
Michael, this is an amazing response in light of the mails I sent to
you yesterday. They described in depth what I am upset about. One was
entitled, "In a Little While, We'll Only Have to Wave". The other was
entitled, "A Sudden Change of Heart". My upsetness is spelled out in
those mails. I know you say you need to give my mails a lot of time
to reply appropriately but Michael, you simply just don't reply at
all to them. Where does that leave me? You wrote in an earlier mail,
"Then this evening I promise you that i will reply to the mails." You
never did. Good intentions are respected but my mails are being shot
down an endless abyss with no response and now you don't know what I
am upset about though it was obvious in those last two mails. So what
can I make of all this?
"I know that there are tremendous stresses in you life, but against
that you have your new job, you have a wonderful manuscript and you
have,"
I know you're right. Thank you for telling me that. I know I should
be happy. But everything is just so difficult to keep? I have these
things today but what about tomorrow? I had a hard day with the
adults at school. I hate dealing with adults. On the other hand, I
was kept over an hour after school because a preschool teacher wanted
to spend some time talking to me in a friendly way. I don't know
what's wrong with me. But I have an uneasy feeling. Maybe I think law
enforcement is going to catch me finally when the book is published.
My life will be worthless then. That manuscript is so important to
me. I worked so hard on it. Even John Ramsey can't take that from me.
He broke my heart, by the way. He broke my heart. Snobbery is what it
is. I was good enough for his daughter.
"if I may put it this way, the serious knowledge that there is
every likelihood that soon the whole world will know about Daxis
and JonBenet"
That makes me very pleased indeed. I have an unusually young girl in
my class. She is six but will be seven in September. She's very
affectionate with me. She likes me. I'm not really that attracted to
her but I need her badly. I showed her a photo of JonBenet today and
said, "This is a little girl I once knew and she was six in this
photo." What a sweet age. Of course the photo meant little to her.
But everytime I see it, I pray that someday soon, the world will look
at her and not think of pageants and pain but will instead think of
her love affair with a valiant Prince named Daxis and understand our
sad love story - Daxis with his JonBenet forever. It's too good to be
true.
"even if the whole world will be left with the the baffling
question of: where is Daxis,"
At least they will know everywhere I have been up to less than a
year ago.
"Who is he"
I tried to cover that in my manuscript.
"what is he doing now?"
That's in the book. I wrote in Part Three that I am a teacher of
grade two.
"Still, the power of the text will supersede those questions."
Mystery is intrigue and intrigue will only enhance the book without
any mention of the above "Still". Thank you for saying my text has
2
001041
power.
""Last night, I woke up at 2.33 AM and never went back to sleep."" "Why?
What was on your mind?"
All those things I wrote to you about plus the book. I came to one
conclusion after a night of tossing and turning. I'm not happy about it
but fate gives me no choice.
"Do you think that in some sense she is a new JonBenet?"
No, she could never be another JonBenet. She is not at all as pretty as
JonBenet. Her personality is very special. Her intellect is unreal. In
many ways, she's more mature than me. I can explain what she said today at
lunch about telling her mother of me. I'll save in case you might call....
You won't.
"As I ask that question I know the answer: there can never be anyone
in your life to come close to your relationship with JonBenet. So in
that sense it was a silly question. Forgive me Which doesn't mean that
I do not understand your attraction to
That question was just fine. I don't want to make you selfconscious about
the questions you ask just because I got so upset with the question you
repeated on the phone. Your question above was ok. I miss JonBenet. Ever
since I received the picture from you, I see her so much and her spirit
is so strong. I think that photo is getting to me.
"I thought you were only going to give the school a year. Does this mean
that you are revising your plans so that you can have in your class."
lLaw enforcement will probably haul me out of that school before the year
ends if my book blows up in m face. I don't know how long I will be there.
Probably not long.
is an expat girl who will ikely
not be in the country two years from now. I walked by her class today. They
were at play. I was on the outside. She came to the window and put her hand
against it wanting me to touch the glass. I did. She would then kiss her
hand and put it back. I would do the same. We're falling in love. it''s so
beautiful. I wish to God I could find a way to have her. But that will
never be.
"You are a patient man Daxis."
Not so patient. I'm impetuous. But I can be patient to get a little girl I
like.
"But what about the new Daxis? Wont that happen in the next year?"
Thank you for remembering and bringing it into this arena of my life. That
is correct. I will go through with my transformation in less than a year. I
don't know what the hell I will do then. That is a complicated issue
because I will have to change my name before a court in America. Now how
can I do that? But I will tell you that if all goes well with the name
change and the sex change, I will go back to Europe as a nanny. So now you
know my future plans for the next several years and now you know the rest
of the story. Thanks for your understanding about my sex change. You are
the only person who knows past the people I deal with who are directly
connected with my procedures.
"You did????? Did you tell her that I was a Brit, a professor who loves
English beer and is fascinated by the story of Daxis. Probably not."
3
001042
I'll tell her all those things tomorrow. I loved that. I did tell her that
she was going to be famous but would never know about it. She asked what
famous meant. I asked her to move in with me today. She was shocked at
first but then she said, "You'll let me put all my toys in your house?" I
said yes. "She said she would be my daughter after she blushed. She was
showing me her buckle shoes today again while sitting in a chair and
flashed her hot little knickers at me. Her lovely little sex was so close
to me. It was a pretty sight. Her knickers were pretty pink.
"One thing I'm confused about, is she a Brit or South African, or a Brit
raised in South Africa? Remember "monsta" or am i getting my girls mixed
up."
I had to write it like that in the book because I got too paranoid to
write it in actual terms. I refer to her as a British Princess in the book
though your original of that story says she is a South African Princess.
She is South African with a British accent of South African flavor. I kept
telling her I loved her today. She doesn't say it back but she loves to
hear it. That's where she differs from JonBenet. JonBenet Ramsey told me
she loved me. Those were her last words. You never made a comment about
that. You know how special that is to me? No damned adult can take that
away from me - not even John Ramsey.
""Please respond to my mails, Michael. As you can see, I really need
you.""
"I'm glad to hear that, and i very much appreciate your saying this. Very
kind. But what do you need me for: to unburden, to help get the book out,
to be a friend in a friendless world? All of the above?"
First and foremost, I need. you to answer my mails. I also need all of the
above but not many people in my life have ever been able to handle being
around me. I'm simply told I am too overwhelming. Just answer my mails
please.
> I was expecting a call on your Tuesday morning at 8 AM. This will
• be the night of my first day so you could still put in your
• presence on my first day. I appreciate so much that you want to
be
•
a part of my first day.
"Of course I did. When would be the best time to call you, then I can be
assured of getting through."
I wrote it up there, B AM Tuesday morning Colorado time. I'll be waiting
though I don't expect a call.
"As ever you have me intrigued. What is your idea and why, pray tell,
will I be disappointed?'
Believe me, you'll be disappointed. I just don't know what else to do.
"I've never been disappointed in your ideas. They are always
fascinating, revealing, compelling. That's DAXIS."
Thank you, my friend. I need to hear that always. Sometimes I feel like
nothing. Sometimes I feel like Raymond. Poor Raymond. What it must be like
to live in such a world. Daxis has had quite an
4
001043
amazing life but no one seems to want to hang around for long.
I'm really depressed. I guess it's over a lot of things. John Ramsey is
part of it. Worry about my new job is another part of it. The book is
keeping me awake at night. The memory of JonBenet is killing me at times. I
can't close the book - I have to live it day in and day out. And that takes
its toll on me.
Thank you for you closeness. I wonder what will happen to Daxis? I think
his time is coming soon. I'm just not sure if he is rising or falling.
Probably a combination of both which has been the story of my life.
Daxis
5
001044
Bennett, Tom
From:
Sent:
To:
Subject:
Tuesday, August 15, 2006 5:46 PM
just in ' he's becoming sparse in his use of words. Advice?
No call, no mail
1
001045

Tracey e-mails - JonBenet Ramsey Case Encyclopedia

Transcription

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