April 26, 2004 - Dolphin Student Group Web Accounts

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FirstCall
The Spirit of ‘84
Michael Patterson exposes the ghosts
of presidencies past.
Page 3
The Undergraduate Magazine
Sponsored by The Wharton Journal
Vol. IV, No. 19 | April 26, 2004
Going Hip Hop Overnight
Last Days
Andrew Pederson contemplates a
summer of menial toil.
Page 8
Watch as Julie squirms and explores
the “other” side.
Page 2
Anagram Magic Square
Failure is not an option-GET TO IT.
Page 6
THE MORNING-AFTER (DRINKING) PILL
A N N A S T R O N G I N | A TA S T E O F M E D I C I N E
THE OTHER DAY, more specifically the Sunday after Spring
Fling, I was reminded of the
existence of a pill designed to
ward off hangovers. Inspired
by the appearance of 95 percent
of the student body, I opted
to look into this miracle drug,
and with just a few clicks of the
mouse found exactly what I was
seeking.
Its name is RU-21, aka "KGB Pill," and its history is almost
as exciting as its claimed effects. About 25 years ago, in the
heat of the Cold War, Russia attempted to develop a drug that
would allow its spies to maintain their sobriety while drinking
with the enemies and then use that advantage to extract government and military secrets. However, the drug did not prove
to have this intended effect, although those using it claimed
to wake up with none of the aftermath that often results from
heavy drinking.
Since alleviating the suffering of the population was of no
concern to the government, the pill was deemed useless and
cast aside until its declassification in 1999 by Russian scientists
studying the effects of alcohol on the human body.
Before long, the great entrepreneurial mind of Moscow native Emil Chiaberi, CEO of Spirit Sciences, a California-based
pharmaceutical company, seized upon the idea of marketing
the pill for our very own hedonistic country as the anti-hangover medicine.
Doing so proved to be a very lucrative decision. The instructions said to take one pill with every drink in order to get
optimal effect, and with the price ranging from $6.00-$9.00
online and in drug stores, it is no wonder that as early as 2003
the company was raking in $10,000 a week. This amount
takes on an even larger significance, considering the fact that
it is marketed as a dietary supplement, avoiding the high costs
of FDA approval.
Just because it is not FDA approved does not mean that the
company keeps a secret about the way it works. Rather, it clearly explains that the drug works to slow down the production of
acetaldehyde, the toxic by-product of alcohol responsible for
hangovers as well as other alcohol-related conditions such as
liver cirrhosis, and it speeds up aldehyde dehydrogenase 2 enzyme's conversion of acetaldehyde to the non-toxic acetic acid.
Granted, the company does not go into the particular details of how exactly the pill slows down and speeds up these
metabolic processes, but does anyone really care? The only
thing that really matters is that the product does what it claims
PICTURE PERFECT
POSSIBILITIES
to do, features no side effects, and is easily accessible. RU-21
meets all these criteria.
It is tempting to call it a miracle drug, and yet I will refrain
from doing so because of the societal implications that its availability creates, not to mention the health risks.
Manufacturers of RU-21 maintain the pill is not designed
for binge drinkers, but rather for individuals who occasionally
want to engage in some form of social drinking without suffering the consequences the next day. But that argument is as
weak as the will power of a frat boy in front of a keg. How many
people actually get drunk off a couple of mixed drinks or beers,
which is what social drinking constitutes for most people? And
the individuals who have such a low tolerance for alcohol probably shouldn’t be drinking in the first place.
In all honesty, the people to whom this pill appeals and
will continue to appeal the most are those who enjoy partying
hard but don’t want anyone to know about it the next morning.
Especially in places like Hollywood, where nights of partying
are followed by days in front of the camera, a pill like that is
essential for the upkeep of the self-indulgent stars we all know
and love. And knowing that it exists will make partying hard all
the more appealing and rampant.
Continued on PAGE 5
LIQUID LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
ROB FORMAN | MY 13-INCH BOX
ALRIGHT, IT’S OUR LAST ISSUE, and
as such I’m gonna try to shed some light
on what new programs may show up on
the boob tube in the 2004-2005 season.
Keep in mind that few of these shows
have officially been picked up. I am basing all of my judgments on cast lists and
“loglines,” or the one to two paragraph description of the show’s premise. Whether
something gets picked up or not really is
all about execution and presentation, but
as the screeners won’t be available to me for another month or so, it’s
the best I can do. In addition, the networks are beginning to stray
from the typical October-May schedule. FOX, for instance, is launching several of its new shows in June and trying to pioneer a year-round
schedule, the first on network TV.
I will use five categories to judge the various loglines at each of
the four major networks. There are about thirty pilots at each, so I’m
leaving a great number out, including some that I am truly excited
about seeing. Since the two minors have fewer pilots, I’ll just give two
categories each. “Most Likely To Succeed” is the show that will get the
highest ratings and be the biggest hit. “Biggest Critical Darling” is the
show that not everyone will watch, but critics will praise. “Worst Idea
Ever” is the show I feel will make it to air for whatever reason, be it a
famous cast member or producer or something entirely different, but
just will not work as a TV show. “Darkest Horse” is the show that will
succeed, even though no one expects it to. Finally, “Quickest Ax” is the
show that, if it airs, will be immediately cancelled because no one is
willing to watch.
ABC
Most Likely to Succeed: Plan B with Caroline Rhea is a show about
a single gal juggling her career, motherhood, romance and body image
issues. ABC is a family network, and this show is one of those branddefining comedies that, if funny enough, has a built-in audience and
will be immediately endearing.
Biggest Critical Darling: Lost comes from Felicity and Alias creator
JJ Abrams and thus will be loved by almost every critic in the trade
papers. The show stands on its own strength, too. It is about a group
of survivors stranded after a plane crash trying to build new lives. I
imagine Gilliagan’s Island crossed with Swiss Family Robinson, but
with prettier people, like Dominic Monaghan, Matthew Fox, Ian
Somerhalder and Daniel Dae Kim. The only problem might be a lack
of well-known female talent.
Worst Idea Ever: The Untitled Jonathan Stamos Project is not the
actual name of the show, but that information hasn’t been decided yet.
It is a comedy taking place in real-time about a couple’s first date. Note
to the producers: real-time builds suspense, and that just doesn’t work
in comedies. As the events unfold over the course of the date, I imagContinued on PAGE 4
DANIEL NIEH
THE REAL PENN PREVIEW
BRIAN HERTLER | SLEIGHT OF HAND
GREETINGS, MY YOUNG FRIENDS. If you’re reading this article, you’ve already
missed the official Penn Preview days—but don’t worry, because I’ll be taking you on
a much more informative tour. This is the last issue of First Call for the year, so it’ll be
sitting around for a few weeks. Any questions before I begin?
I feel bad about missing Penn Previews! Was it interesting?
I went to Penn Previews when I was your age and honestly, I don’t remember a
thing except the free buttons. You probably didn’t miss much. I did see the nice canvas
bags that people are carrying this year—you should try to pick one up.
If there are no more questions, I’ll begin the tour here on 33rd Street. You’re looking at DRL behind me, and Hutchinson Gym beyond that. This is the eastern edge of
campus, and you’ll never come out here unless you care about the major sports or take engineering courses. I recommend you do neither, since it’s annoying to walk this far. Question?
Speaking of sports, they say students throw toast during football games! Is that true?
Apparently. I’d like you to remember that school spirit is completely optional here at Penn. Some of us are content
to make toast and throw it away; some of us prefer to get nutritional value out of it.
Let’s move on, across 34th Street. We’re coming up to College Green—notice the political activity on the grass
here. It appears that the Ugandan Wharton Women’s Club is having some kind of rally—I’m not sure why. They’re
offering free food, though; go ahead and grab some.
One of the best things about Penn is that if you pretend to care about politics, then you can usually score a couple
of free meals per day. That’s important, because you’ll want to avoid the dining halls as often as possible. Question in
the back.
It seems like a lot of students are lying on the grass, doing nothing. Doesn’t anybody have work to do?
Actually, those aren’t really Penn students; neither are those guys on the couches on Locust Walk. I think they
wander in from Temple and Drexel. You won’t be seeing any real Penn students on this tour since it’s finals week—
Continued on PAGE 5
P AGE 2
A PRIL 26, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL . IV N O . 19
FirstCall
Editorial
Vol. IV, No. 19 | April 26, 2004
The Undergraduate Magazine
Sponsored by The Wharton Journal
Managing Editor
Jordan Barav
Editor-in-Chief
Julie Gremillion
Assistant Editor
Robert Forman
Andrew Pederson
Lauren Saul
Columnists
Robert Forman
Julie Gremillion
Brian Hertler
Mickey Jou
Michael Patterson
Andrew Pederson
Roz Plotzker
Anna Strongin
Writers
Chan Ahn
Daniel Nieh
Etan Rosenbloom
Lauren Saul
Seth Scanlon
Artists
Boris Shochat
Stephanie Craven
Daniel Nieh
THREE’S A CHARM
This issue of First Call marks the culmination of our third year of existence and our second
as a university-wide publication. We feel that while still relatively new, First Call is making
a significant impact. From debates on politics to commentary on Penn life, from reviews of
arts and entertainment to our unique Magic Anagram Square word game, First Call has set
a standard of quality and stirred the opinions and interests of members of the university. As
we continue, First Call is committed to its mission of providing our community with an open
forum for expression that will spur thought and discussion on campus and enrich the quality
of student and intellectual life at Penn.
This year has seen the succession of a new editorial board, new layout staff, and the addition of new writers and columnists alongside the tried and true, all of which have come to
define and redefine the paper in both its substance and aesthetic quality. The diversity of
content—including edgy, humorous, creative and though-provoking writing of almost every
genre; artwork; and word games—continues to lend First Call its variety and appeal.
As the year winds to a close, we would like to give special thanks to those who have made
this year a success. Thank you especially to our Business Manager Trey Hollingsworth and
to our former layout editor Alex Bellos whose contributions to First Call invaluably advanced
our organization and our paper. We would like to thank the Wharton Journal for the contribution they have made to us and the community for supporting First Call. We would
also like to thank our readers and those of you who have actively engaged in First Call’s discourse—whether by formally submitting your thoughts to First Call; discussing your opinions
with classmates, parents, friends and foes; or merely ruminating personally over the week’s
content.
We wish you good luck with finals and look forward to your readership and continued contributions next year!
Layout Editor
Krystal Godines
Layout Staff
Andrew Milanez
Anna Stetsovskaya
Business Manager
Joseph (Trey) Hollingsworth
Marketing Manager
Leah Karasik
Marketing Staff
Lauren Saul
Anna Strongin
Distribution Managers
Jaqueline Hayward
Marissa Sapega
Webmaster
Luke Iseman
Contact Information
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Philadelphia, PA 19104
(215) 898-3200
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clubs.wharton.upenn.edu/fcpaper
Submissions
Email letters to the editors
and guest submissions to
fcpaper@wharton.upenn.edu.
Students, please include
your school and class.
Editorial Policy
First Call is the undergraduate magazine
of The University of Pennsylvania. It is
sponsored by The Wharton Journal.
First Call is published every Monday.
Our mission is to provide members
of the community an open forum for
expressing ideas and opinions. To this
end, we, the editors of First Call, are
committed to a policy of not censoring
opinions. Articles are provided by
regular columnists and writers. They
are chosen for publication based on
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case of commentaries, the quality of
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article represents the opinion of First
Call, its editorial board, or individual
members of First Call other than
the author. No content in First Call
unless otherwise stated represents the
official position of the administration,
faculty, or student body at large of the
Wharton School or the University of
Pennsylvania.
JULIE GREMILLION | SOUND ADVICE
Julie presents the old, the new
and the diehard favorites.
I confess I have sold my soul—not to the Facebook along with the rest of you—but to my former worst enemy: the
Hip Hop devil. Many of my friends are celebrating the conversion, and I’ve had to come to terms with my addiction.
I’m still an alternative girl at heart, but I’ve become just another one of the white masses experimenting with the
Other Side. All I can say in my defense is that I put up a good fight…and I still have good taste in music: hip hop,
alternative, pop or oldies.
RETRO REWIND
“Walk This Way”
Run-DMC featuring Aerosmith
IN STEREO
“Through the Wire”
Kanye West
The song that started it all off for most
of us. It was originally written by Aerosmith in 1975, although Steven Tyler left
the first version of the lyrics in the cab on
the way to the recording studio and wrote
new lyrics on the wall, but the song was
virtually forgotten in Aerosmith’s lack of
fame. Run-DMC covered it with Steven
Tyler and Joe Perry in 1986, hitting #4
on the charts and becoming Run-DMC’s
first major hit. The hit simultaneously
catapulted Aerosmith back into the rock
spotlight with the follow-up release of
Permanent Vacation. Most importantly,
“Walk this Way” exposed rap to a white
audience in a big way, paving the road for
a future filled with crossover fans.
In honor of Spectrum’s Penn Relays
concert Friday night, which I was able
to attend at the last minute, I present
“Through the Wire”, the song written
shortly after Kanye West’s near-fatal car
accident. The College Dropout is West’s
debut album from Roc-A-Fella Records,
also home to Jay-Z and Freeway. West
hails from Chicago where he dropped
out of University of Chicago after one
year and eventually scored a record deal
with Roc-A-Fella. “Through the Wire” is
a powerful song about his accident and
his thankfulness to be alive. The recorded version is great, but I actually prefer
former Penn grad John Legend’s background vocals. I highly recommend the
album if you’re a hip hop fan, and cheers
to Spectrum for bringing him to Penn.
EDITORIAL ADVICE
“Spaceship”
Kanye West featuring GLC and Consequence
Another track off The College Dropout,
this one is probably my favorite from
the album. Perhaps I’m biased because
I heard such a great version live with
John Legend at the end of the show on
Friday, but the hook by GLC is awesome.
A slower track off the album, perhaps it’s
my virgin crossover that makes me like
this song more than others on the LP,
but the layered vocals form an intriguing
mix that prevents it from being harsh or
boring. I may pay the Alternative deities
later on for being a traitor, but right now
I’m hooked. And Kanye West’s album is
a pretty decent start.
First Call: Critically informed.
Join the most stimulating
club on campus
A PRIL 26, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL . IV N O . 19
P AGE 3
REAGAN REDUX
Bush forecasts return of the 80s
M I C H A E L PAT T E R S O N | O U T O F T H E F O L D
NEXT YEAR WILL BE my last
year at Penn. I must admit I feel
a bit nervous about my looming
departure from the university.
I know that if I feel the inevitable end of my undergraduate
career approaching, many of
my friends graduating in three
weeks feel far more anxious.
After all, Penn provides its
students with everything they
could want. Unlike the real world, at Penn everything is
streamlined into one simple, outrageously large bill that
most here never even see. Internet, cable television, Au
Bon Pain—hell, there is even on-campus video rental
delivery. So as reality creeps closer and closer, many feel
understandably frightened of the job market that exists just over the horizon. Many are afraid of what the
“American Experience” will really hold for them. Oh, and
President Bush’s idea of a “war on terrorism” cannot be a
relief either.
Since Bush took office after “winning” the 2000 election, the country has fallen into a sort of darkness. For
many Americans, the times as they currently exist mirror
those of the 1980s. During the Presidency of Ronald Reagan, the country was going through a bear-run economy
with a government hostile to the welfare system and a
President bent on cutting taxes in a way that benefited
only the wealthiest. Furthermore, the country was still
grappling with issues surrounding discrimination against
people of color, which represented such a serious problem
and yet received little help from Reagan. Simultaneously,
the U.S. was in the midst of the last decade of the Cold
War. Tensions were high, the military was kept at heightened alert and the President was making claims of “evil”
this and “bad” that.
But perhaps the one thing that looms most over that
decade is the tragedy that was, and remains, the AIDS virus. For much of the 1980s, thousands upon thousands of
homosexual men languished from this then unknown affliction under a government that seemed oblivious to their
plight. At the time, the discrimination that all homosexuals endured in every level of society held no relevance for
the government and no sympathy from President Reagan.
It might not be a surprise that for too long those whom
society shunned were left to die alone, unmentioned by
Reagan until 1987. After all, “they who live in sin die in
sin,” a sentiment if not voiced by Reagan, was expressed in
the actions of so many in government.
There is a similar situation at hand today. We the
people are being led by a president who is fond of labeling
things in a cut-and-dry fashion. According to President
Bush, “You are either with us or against us,” there are “axes
of evil” and it is good to pull Bible quotes out of the air
when addressing domestic policy. This attitude, born of religious fervor and ignorant bigotry, leads the government
in doing what it has often been so infamous for—ignoring
the plight of the many.
This attitude, born of religious
fervor and ignorant bigotry,
leads to the government doing
what it has often been so infamous for— ignoring the plight
of the many.
The AIDS virus is still with us. Discrimination against
people of color, women and homosexuals remains in one
form or another. So what of the quintessential “American
Experience” that I pondered earlier: has it changed?
There is a quote that I am particularly fond of which
goes to the heartbreak that the American Experience sadly
represents to so many in this nation.
The white cracker who wrote the national anthem knew
what he was doing. He set the word ‘free’ to a note so high
nobody could reach it. That was deliberate. Nothing on
earth sounds like less freedom to me.
The previous quote comes from the Broadway play
Angels in America and is spoken by the character Belize.
In this awe-inspiring play, Belize is an African-American
homosexual who works as a low-paid night nurse caring
for an AIDS patient. The America Belize lives in is of the
repressed, ignored and discarded. For him, and so many
other people, the American dream is survival of the fittest.
If President Bush wins office again, will there still be
any place for people like Belize in America? Bush has already made it clear homosexuals should not marry—now
or ever. The President and those in Congress also express
open hostility towards a woman’s right to choose, threatening to undercut reproductive freedom and return us to
the days of the back-alley abortionists.
Even college graduates are not out of danger. For my
friends leaving Penn soon, grad school may not be in the
picture as Bush wants to cut some forms of governmental
aid. Already some undergraduates have been told to quit
their work study jobs as the original funds have been
greatly reduced, all to pay for the glorious tax cuts for businesses and people making well over $200,000 a year.
The vision of America President Bush expounds is not
a bad one for much of the population. Marriage gets to
stay heterosexual only, women are forced into childbirth
against their will and those programs that aim to raise minorities up from the underbelly of discrimination are destroyed. Indeed, this is the America I see, President Bush’s
America. The millions of people who agree with this view
have no problem with Bush’s plans for this country. For all
our graduating seniors, you can change this. Our country
can elevate above the rubble of yesteryear and become a
place where everyone lives in the same vision. This is not
possible with President Bush and will not happen under
someone else with the same ideology as he. This ideal
can only be brought about by the one thing that gives all
Americans a voice—the vote. This November, if we are to
give everyone the right to a positive American Experience,
we all must vote for a change in leadership.
After another four years of President Bush, I fear what
my America will become.
Michael Patterson is a junior in the College. You can write to him at
mjp2@sas.
A PRIL 26, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL . IV N O . 19
P AGE 4
AN AFFAIR TO DISMEMBER
Self-Indulgent Seniors on the Move
ROZ PLOTZKER | SEX AND THE UNIVERSITY
HOORAY FOR
SPRING,
for
crowded Locust
Walk, for bare
shoulders and
backs, for the
business men
eating outside
Cosi at lunch,
for cutting that
unimportant
second-to-last class to sit on College Green,
and for the couple making out behind you.
Hooray for the dogwood trees and for the
five year-olds jumping through the Buttonholes in front of Van Pelt while their grad
student parents look on. I look under the
Button and wonder—is this where these
children were conceived? Spring at last,
spring at last, thank God Almighty, it’s
spring at last!
And with this time of year comes blatant hormonal debauchery. What has gotten into us? Short skirts are coming out
of the woodwork. The LOVE statue looks
like it got a fresh coat of paint and even
the Ben Franklin statue looks like he has
a boner. I dare you to look. Suddenly, all
my friends are juggling two, three, or four
possible hook-up partners, who are also my
friends. No, no, don’t pace yourself through
those dismal winters. Save up that energy
for reading days when the last possible moment for a spring semester hook-up arrives.
Then, finally you can let all that bottled up
passion explode… I feel like it’s Pearl Harbor all over again.
I still remember the melodramatic sagas
of last minute Quaker ardor from Spring
2003. All names that follow are pseudonyms.
Gretel Schmidt had been involved in
Penn activism since her freshman year. For
four semesters now, she had been voicing
her anti-war pro-choice opinions alongside
Civic House heartthrob Hansel, but despite
the obvious tension, no affair developed
among the politics—that’s a first. The two
went to an end-of-the-year date party together, not intending for anything to happen and ended up sharing a tent two weeks
later when a group of us went camping.
Cher Schmidt, Gretel’s friend of no relation, was also a sophomore, also an activist, but a Canadian despite her interest in
America’s foreign policy. Gretel had worked
with Sonny on Palestinian-Israeli conflict
response, and the Canadian and the Jew
got together and made a hit record album,
so to speak. Their coming together was not
a quick process because Canadians, while
very open about political opinions, can be
less so about the opposite sex and Jewish
boys aren’t always perceptive. Nonetheless,
on the same camping trip they slept side
by side.
Another friend, Harry, faced a different
situation. Sally and he had been friends, but
since he was in a relationship at the time,
nothing happened between the two of them.
The last day of classes passed, finals passed,
Harry and Sally both passed, and they started spending more time together over senior
week. Sally was never one to appreciate limits and made advances on Harry despite his
marital status. Harry responsed, “Waiter,
PILOTS
Continued from PAGE 1
ine ABC will be bound to show the entire run, and then
never speak of it again.
Darkest Horse: Countdown could very well be the
24 of the season. It is the second real-time show ABC
has ordered, but on this show, every episode is about a
SWAT team responding to a new emergency. With the
suspense effect of real-time and an episodic format, unlike the serial format that keeps 24 from being a bonafide smash hit, this could surprise everyone.
Quickest Ax: The Untitled Jessica Simpson Project.
This show, about a pop-star turned TV reporter, doesn’t
actually reflect real life, but it comes too damn close.
Jessica is so over. I can’t imagine this being funny or
even remotely original. It’s just going to be another
carbon copy workplace sitcom with an unproven, failed
pop-singer who turned to reality television to jumpstart
her career as the lead.
CBS
Most Likely to Succeed: CSI: New York will succeed.
I don’t even need to explain why. The franchise is huge.
The show is being set up with a CSI: Miami episode this
May. People haven’t tired of the CSI format yet, and just
because the show is in New York instead of an exotic
locale won’t change the viewer levels.
Biggest Critical Darling: Sudbury is about a single
mother of two and her family of witches. This is on
CBS? The stars of the show are big names and tend to
be gorgeous, like Kim Delaney and Jeri Ryan. I don’t
see anything about witches becoming big on CBS, but
no one really expected Joan of Arcadia to get an audience its size. Critics will love this because it’s an aging
network giving an unconventional idea a chance.
Worst Idea Ever: Clubhouse is about a New York
Yankees bat-boy who grows up. Really? Because that
could be interesting. Dean Cain, get yourself out of this
and back into the blue tights of Superman. This could
work on a TV-movie level. Not as a series.
Darkest Horse: Taste, starring Jane Krakowski. I’ve
loved this talented woman since becoming enraptured
with her free-spirited assistant character, Elaine, on
Ally McBeal. The idea, about a culinary school graduate
getting her first job, could provide enough warm fuzzies
to generate buzz and viewers.
Quickest Ax: Dr. Vegas. Rob Lowe has seen better
days. Those days were on The West Wing. As far as
I see, this show doesn’t offer anything new except its
main cast member, but Lowe wasn’t enough to carry
The Lyon’s Den, either. A doctor in a Vegas casino?
there is too much pepper on my poppikosh.”
By pepper, I mean Sally and by “on my poppikosh,” I mean up in my grill.
Finally my friend Batman told me he
and Catwoman had always had chemistry,
but nothing ever happened. Even though
her skin-tight leather suit would suggest
otherwise, Catwoman comes from a reserved family and it is not appropriate to
fool around. Even so, the night before
Catfather came to pick her up and take
her home at the end of the year, she took
a chance and made a move. For maybe
the first time in evolutionary history, there
was interspecies mating. Then Batman was
rushed out the door before he could even
cough up a hairball and never got an introduction to the parents.
What do a fairytale, a rock duo, a pop
culture couple, and DC Comic characters
have in common? Hansel, Sonny, Sally,
and Catwoman were all seniors in their last
week of school, and their respective partners
were all sophomores. It’s a graduation
phenomenon: those leaving have a sordid
last minute affair with someone staying.
At first, my friends and I coined this as
the “self indulgent senior”: a graduating
student who tries a taste of a relationship
that had been suppressed, but is now safe
to explore because commitment is not an
option. It’s a senior’s last chance for college
booty, a circumstance for love without
commitment, a final goodbye to the ease
with which we find play in the college scene.
After graduation, what social vortex are
you headed towards? What kind of black
hole is the workforce, where in order to
We’ve already got shows about glitzy Las Vegas and
shows about doctors… but the two together? It’s not
going to work, and no one’s going to watch.
FOX
Most Likely to Succeed: The North Shore is set to
premiere June 14th. It is an upstairs-downstairs look at
a Hawaiian hotel with a hot, young cast. If the writers
can find a way to build in some of The OC’s soapy plots
without losing the premise, then this show will become
the summer’s hottest destination.
Biggest Critical Darling: Point Pleasant is about a
girl washing ashore in a sleepy beach town, causing an
uproar and changing the town forever. Grabbing its key
talent straight from daytime soaps, like Amber Tamblyn
and Sarah Michelle Gellar before, this show and Elisabeth Harnois provide the unique, edgy concept FOX is
known for but has stopped caring about.
Worst Idea Ever: Method and Red, which is a
scripted show about the two famous stars moving to the
‘burbs. Uh… I don’t get it. Either be a reality show or
don’t. This just seems contrived and stupid, but I’ll bet
you anything these attached names will bring people
in, if just for the summer when it airs (season premiere
June 16th).
Darkest Horse: Boondocks could make a really
funny cartoon series, based on the hilarious and irreverent comic strip of the same name. It seems more like
a UPN show, though. Also, the comic strip isn’t big on
long-running plot. I don’t know how the show will keep
its politically minded and satirical jokes up while telling
a half-hour long story. I’d love to see this succeed and
together with Family Guy return FOX adult animations to their former glory.
Quickest Ax: Mr. Ed. I need to go puke now. The
fact that anyone would bother to update this old show
for the modern viewer is just too stuck in the past. Talking horses are no longer funny. If they were ever funny.
Which they weren’t.
NBC
Most Likely to Succeed: Law and Order: Trial by
Jury. Bored now. The pilot hasn’t been filmed yet, so
there’s a chance this will be a mid-season show, but it’s
from Dick Wolfe and bears the Law and Order franchise
name, so its success is inevitable. Four hours of L&O
each week? NBC has too many good ideas for its schedule to be marred by countless police/legal procedural
ports.
Biggest Critical Darling: The Office. After last year’s
Coupling debacle, NBC let the incredibly talented British staff have a say in the translation of this quirky office
comedy. The British humor may not slide well with
get a date you might find yourself at happy
hour saying, “How much does a polar bear
weigh? Enough to break the ice! Hi, I’m...”
The problem with the self indulgent
senior theory is two-fold: first, as we say
in my lab courses, the evidence doesn’t
support the hypothesis. It’s possible the
relationship might not have gotten off
the ground from the begining because of
the sophomores. What’s more, it could be
sophomores indulging in their last chance
to hook up with the senior. So, seniors
are not necessarily to blame for the delay
of activity. Secondly, in two of the stories,
the relationship continued in some form
after graduation, and so even though
commitment wasn’t possible, there was
a decent attempt. Not all seniors are selfindulgent and some even try to commit to
something besides a graduate program for
after college. For example, while Sonny and
Cher and Gretel and Hansel were doing
their thing at the camping trip, Annie and
Matt decided to get engaged.
Around this time of year, I’m always a
little skeptical and so I apologize to any seniors who are getting cock-blocked by this
article; it’s like bad karma. As of last Friday,
I marched or stumbled my way into seniorhood and now that I am older and wiser I
can see that, in retrospect, people are just
self-indulgent in general and we shouldn’t
pigeonhole seniors. At least not the class of
2005.
Roz Plotzker is a junior in the College. You can
write to her at rosalyn@sas.
Americans, but you can bet that critics who love the
BBC version are going to be behind this show.
Worst Idea Ever: Joey. Come on, NBC. The charm
of Friends does not exist without all six, and that charm
has waned. Frasier succeeded as a spin-off of Cheers because Dr. Crane wasn’t the main male character. Over
the last few seasons, that’s what Joey has become. A lot
of people are going to watch it, but will they stay? Then
again, it could be really funny with the cast of characters
joining Mr. Tribiani in L.A.
Darkest Horse: My 11:30 has Jeff Goldblum and
Brian Stokes Mitchell. Great actors, yes. The comedy
is about a financial consultant who has a stress-induced
nervous breakdown and seeks therapy. A warning to
many Whartonites, and a good companion piece to The
Apprentice 2?
Quickest Ax: Father of the Pride is an animated
comedy about Siegfried and Roy’s Vegas act told
through the eyes of the animals. I fail to see this as
funny, rather more tragic. It certainly doesn’t have the
charm of a Simpsons or a Family Guy. How many stories can there really be?
UPN
Most Likely to Succeed: The Untitled Andrew Secunda Project, again, will not be the real name. Charisma Carpenter in a sitcom? That sitcom is about a
mismatched family where the sister is career-minded
and the brother is a slacker? Not the most original, but
sign me up for the talented eye candy.
Worst Idea Ever: Nikki and Nora features two lesbians working together as private investigators. Sounds
more like the premise for a porno flick than a TV drama.
I mean, pushing the envelope is one thing… this is just
bad.
WB
Most Likely to Succeed: The pilots really suck. They
don’t even seem to be speaking to the teen audience.
The show that staked Angel, John Wells’ remake of
vampire goth-soap Dark Shadows has a great cast and a
built-in following. But I won’t be watching.
Worst Idea Ever: The Mountain. A young man
inherits a mountain when his father dies. One, that
doesn’t mean he has to live there. Two… I can’t even
think of an appropriately snarky comment. It’s just
bad and I imagine once it devolves into a soap, it’ll get
worse.
Rob Forman is a sophomore in Wharton. You can write to him at
robertf@wharton.
A PRIL 26, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL . IV N O . 19
P AGE 5
BEST BETS FOR MAY SWEEPS
Rob Forman’s Faves
Once again, we’re gonna avoid the traditional daily format. Here are the things I deem nail-bitingly anticipatable for “May Sweeps” (which begins its four week stretch, oddly
enough, Thursday, April 29th). Also a few of note events for the three days prior.
Series Finales (cancelled or ending series):
Thursday, May 6 : Friends (NBC, 9 P.M.), “The Last One”—hour-long finale
Monday, May 10th: The Parkers (UPN, 9 P.M.), “At Last”
Thursday, May 13th: Frasier (NBC, 9 P.M.), “Goodbye, Seattle”—hour-long finale
Sunday, May 16th: The Practice (ABC, 10 P.M.), “Adjourned, Part Two”
Wednesday, May 19th: Angel (WB, 9 P.M.), “Not Fade Away”
th
Undecided Finales (the networks haven’t announced all of their renewals yet):
Sunday, May 9th: Survivor: All-Stars (CBS, 8 P.M.)—three-hour finale and reunion
Saturday, May 15th: Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 P.M.), “Mary-Kate and Ashley
Olson”
Friday, May 21st: Joan of Arcadia (CBS, 8 P.M.). “Silence”
Monday, May 24th: Everybody Loves Raymond (CBS, 9 P.M.), “Golf For It”
Tuesday, May 25th: 24 (FOX, 9 P.M.), “Day 3: 12:00 P.M. to 1:00 P.M.”
Wednesday, May 26th: American Idol (FOX, 8 P.M.)—two-hour finale
Thursday, April 29th: Tru Calling (FOX, 8 P.M.), “D.O.A.”/“Two Weddings and a
Funeral”—two-hour finale
Sunday, May 23rd: The Simpsons (FOX, 8 P.M.), “Fraudcast News”—editor’s note:
due to contract disputes, next season’s order of The Simpsons may be cut back to the
installments already produced and the series will then end
Sunday, May 23rd: Alias (ABC, 9 P.M.), “Resurrection”
Special Events:
Season Finales (series will be back next season):
Wednesday, April 28th: South Park (Comedy Central, 10 P.M.)—last episode until fall
Sunday, May 30th: The Sopranos (HBO, 9 P.M.), “All Due Respect”—season finale
Tuesday, June 15th: The Shield (FX, 10 P.M.), “On Tilt”—season finale
Tuesday, June 22nd: Nip/Tuck (FX, 10 P.M.), “Erica Naughton”—season premiere
Thursday, April 29 : Will & Grace (NBC, 8:30 P.M.), “Oh, No You Di-in’t”—hourlong finale
Tuesday, May 4th: Scrubs (NBC, 9:30 P.M.), “My Best Friend’s Wedding”
Wednesday, May 5th: The OC (FOX, 9 P.M.), “The Wedding”
th
Tuesday, May 11th: The Dick Van Dyke Show (CBS, 9 P.M.)—all-new episode (no joke)
Tuesday, May 11th: America’s Next Top Model (UPN, 9 P.M.), “The Runway Ahead”
Monday, May 17th: CSI: Miami (CBS, 10 P.M.), “MIA/NYC - NONSTOP”—pilot for
CSI: New York
Non-Sweeps Events:
PENN PREVIEWS
CHASER
they’re all in their rooms, studying.
I see a nearby building under construction. What’s going on?
You must be referring to Williams Hall, which has been covered in scaffolding all year. Judging
from other recent construction projects—High Rise North, Pottruck, Huntsman Hall—I’m guessing
they’ll replace the front half of the building with a giant window. This is part of the University’s longterm “Raise Tuition” plan, which will eventually replace all surfaces with glass.
Let’s continue down Locust Walk. Before you ask: yes, there are always this many groups handing out flyers. You may think it’s cute now—I did when I was your age—but they’re not so lovable
when you’re running late for class.
Just keep your head down and avoid eye contact, folks. Some of the less popular groups can get
aggressive.
Brian, what’s with those “Not Penn State” t-shirts? Isn’t it pathetic that the number-five school in
the country needs to remind people that it’s not a state school?
Don’t be so harsh. Ben Franklin didn’t know any better when he named this school. It’s the one
mistake he made in his life. Give him a break.
I see a banner that says “Spring Fling is coming.” Wasn’t Spring Fling last week?
Think of all our decorations as Christmas lights. Some we eventually take down, and some—like
those snowflakes—we leave up all year.
Now that we’ve reached 37th Street, let’s head down to Spruce. I want to show you the best thing
about Penn: the Hot Roast Beef Sandwich from Greek Lady. As I’m ordering, I’d like to direct your
attention to the Quad. You’ll soon realize that the Quad exists only to impress your parents—it’ll
quickly lose appeal once you’ve experienced the Sunday-morning vomit puddles in the communal
bathroom. Now look at the High Rises on the horizon. Their purpose is to give upperclassmen a
private bathroom.
Also, notice the taxis permanently stationed on the street here. Freshmen tend to avoid the subway at first because they’re afraid of people who don’t look like them. Thanks to the University’s tireless commitment to diversity, however, you’ll eventually learn that taxis are a waste of money.
We’ll continue west. I hope you don’t mind if I eat as we’re walking. If you look to your left, you’ll
see the Triangle Diner—which I hope you’ll never attend under any circumstance—and the beggars
outside Wawa. For God’s sake, put your wallets away; there people are trained professionals with
years of panhandling experience. They earn most of their income from over-liberal youngsters like
yourselves, but giving them money only causes them to multiply. They’re like cockroaches in that
way.
We’ve reached 38th Street and I’m scared! Can’t we take the bridge?
Don’t be such a wimp. Here’s my tip for crossing streets in Philadelphia: everybody runs red
lights, so you’re actually better off jaywalking. I hear that’s a crime in some places, but even the cops
do it here.
We’re approaching my room, so this tour is going to ending soon. If there are any more questions…
What’s your opinion on Greek life?
I don’t have one. Anyone else?
No weaseling, Brian. What do you think of West Philadelphia?
West Philadelphia and I have a business-like relationship—I go in there when I want a cheap
haircut or a deli sandwich, and I haven’t gotten robbed yet. The University uses a lot of scary words
like “community outreach” and “revitalization projects,” but nothing is mandatory, thank God.
What’s the best thing and the worst thing about going to Penn?
The girls and the classes, not necessarily in that order. Also, food carts, dorm infestations, the
Daily Pennsylvanian, Philadelphia, and the Writer’s House. You can sort that out yourselves.
Well, you’ve been a lovely bunch. If you’re intelligent and not annoying, I hope you come here.
There isn’t anything wrong
with partying so hard if things
are viewed exclusively from the
perspective of a hangover, but
we shouldn’t forget that while
the pill is effective in combating
the aftermath, it does absolutely
nothing for prolonging or maintaining one’s sobriety. Therefore,
while you may not have to deal
with next-day consequences you
will most certainly have to deal
with whatever stupid or dangerous antics you pull while under
the influence.
You may still make a fool of
yourself at some party; you may
still vomit; you may still get into
some pointless fight; and on a more serious note, you may still get alcohol poisoning. You may
still hurt yourself or others without a full awareness of your actions. If you consume more alcohol, knowing you can avoid a hangover the next day, the chance of one or a number of these
things happening will increase.
Plus, it is important to emphasize the fact that while the pill works to slow the production
of the toxic acetaldehyde, it does not stop that production altogether. While hypothetically, the
less toxic substances mean the alcohol will have less of a negative affect, no one really knows
how much these metabolic processes are truly affected. The rate decrease may be significant
enough to prevent a hangover, but it may not be significant enough to truly combat long-term
effects such as cirrhosis and other organ damage. Even if RU-21 could truly minimize alcoholrelated health problems, that potential will probably be offset by the increased amounts of
alcohol consumed for a lack of consequences.
Even if we were to put all the possible health considerations aside, I find one very serious problem with this drug: its social implication. I have difficulty understanding why such
a vigorous market should exist for something that eliminates the consequences of too much
fun. Not to say something is inherently wrong with enjoying a good party and having fun, but
everything has to have its limit. A hangover is precisely what sets it.
The fact that so many people are yearning to eliminate this limiting factor is extremely disturbing to me because it emphasizes the extreme over-indulgent tendencies of the American
public over the positive qualities of hard-work, dedication, and ambition usually associated
with our country and its heroes.
The bottom line is that partying is something that should be enjoyed, but not to an extreme, especially not with the help of a consequence-eliminating pill, because there is no such
a thing as consequence-free drinking. If there are no physical consequences, there will be social
and professional ones. If they don’t show face now, they will definitely emerge later on in some
form or another.
But hey, if you’re okay with that then just go to: http://www.ru-21hangover.com, it’s $8.99
for 20 tablets.
Brian Hertler is a junior in the College. You can write to him at hertlerb@sas.
Anna Strongin is a sophomore in the College. You can write to her at astrongi@sas.
Continued from PAGE 5
m
s
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our dose of
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t
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weekly wisdom
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IF FEBRUARY AND MARCH HONOR
BLACKS AND WOMEN, THEN ARE
APRIL THROUGH JANUARY WHITE
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Continued from PAGE 1
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A PRIL 26, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL . IV N O . 19
P AGE 6
ANAGRAM MAGIC SQUARE
Find an anagram for the 5-letter word in each box. The anagram will answer one of the clues. Put the number of that clue into the small square
and write the anagram on the dash. The numbers in each row and column will add up to 65. Write the first letter of each anagram on the correspondingly numbered dash at the bottom of the page; and, presto!, the Anagram Magic saying will appear.
TROVE
SHOAL
SHORE
DRAIN
FLIER
= 65
ORACH
CHORE
DATER
TAPED
RIGHT
= 65
1
GIRTH
BLEAT
RELAY
ERATO
STONE
BAYER
= 65
ASTOR
TUNES
TOWEL
PAINT
LEASE
= 65
SERVE
CRATE
CRANE
ROUTE
RUNES
= 65
= 65
= 65
= 65
= 65
= 65
1. Circumference
14. Mother-of-pearl
2. Not fitting
15. Beginning
3. Stanza
16. Carbine
4. Ahead of time
17. Workbench
5. Lowest point
18. Young hooter
6. Bizarre
19. Skilled
7. Tire pattern
20. Give TLC
8. Paraguay tea
21. Harangue
9. Not concealed
22. Follow
10. Like a loose gem
23. Steed
11. Cook a turkey
24. Artist’s stand
12. Nimbi
25. Kitchen pest
13. Earth pigment
G —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —–
—–
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
FOR SOLUTIONS GO TO OUR WEBSITE: HTTP://CLUBS.WHARTON.UPENN.EDU/FCPAPER
Copyright © 2004 by Penny Publications, LLC
www.pennypress.com
A PRIL 26, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL . IV N O . 19
P AGE 7
S CLUB 7: THE ASIAN VERSION
MICKEY JOU | SITES AND SOUND
W h a t
do you get
when you go
see PennYo,,
the campus
Chinese
a
cappella,
sing
their
pants
off
on a Friday
night? Live
before your eyes you witness the Penn version of S Club 7 without the inane antics
and the oh-so-authentic friendships, or, if
you prefer, the Asian American Idol minus
the pain of really bad auditions with 200
percent the talent and all the eye candy.
PennYo’s spring 2004 concert, aptly
titled “Kaleidoscope”, was a grab bag of
honest-to-goodness ear candy.
Their
guest performers of the evening, the Penn
Six Singers, set the tone for the evening’s
playful show with three very funny and
lively songs. They started with their own
interpretation of New Kids on the Block’s
“American Girl” and followed it with a dark
but animated caricature of the “Princeton
Strut” with nice scatting from the lead!
The Penn Six Singers closed with a spoof of
Billy Joel’s “For the Longest Time.” Their
light-hearted set lead naturally into the energetic and playful style of PennYo. From
updated versions of old classics, “Fragrance
of the Night” to the creative and daring
groove of “My Anata”, PennYo delivers
some of the most diverse Chinese pop a
cappella out there.
I was so impressed with their performance, I decided to present my five reasons
why PennYo is a bona fide pop group and
ought to get its own TV show.
1. They can sing! While it’s true that
Penn’s campus is littered with a cappella
groups, singing ensembles and choirs, I remain impossibly impressed by the range of
techniques and styles this group has mas-
tered. While the soloists have a tendency to
become overly attached to the microphone,
the group itself comes together as both
original and evocative of the Asian pop
sound. The proof: in “My Desired Happiness,” the group didn’t start out in unison,
and there was a noticeable discrepancy between the tempo of the lead singer’s melody
and the backup harmony. However, even
though the lead continued to fall in and
out of sync with the rest of the singers, the
group itself recovered quickly, proving their
musical capabilities
to listen to each
other and work
together to form a
coherent sound.
The most musically exciting song
of the night, “My
Anata”, was packed
with
wonderful
vocal pyrotechnics
that worked well
with the theatrical
feel of this technotango arrangement.
Jeff Wang and Yin
L. Yin made a great
duet with their cartoonish, sexy-sulky
approach to this presentation.
2. They can pronounce English words!
(And other Asian languages, too!) Anyone
who has encountered Asian pop songs that
attempted to incorporate English in the
lyrics can appreciate my relief. What a
pleasure it was to hear the singers sing in
English and actually know what they were
singing! As if that weren’t enough, PennYo
expanded beyond English and the promised Chinese repertoire to add Japanese,
Taiwanese and Korean ballads to the mix.
Their solid grasp on the nuances of singing
in different languages didn’t get better than
the soulful Korean “I Believe”, the theme
Finally, get some good
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Philly Meal Plan: 866/512-DINE
of the blockbuster Korean romance My
Sassy Girl, a touching, emotional moment
conveyed perfectly by the boy-band-within
sound of Kenny Feng. I experienced the
mystery of not being able to understand
a word Feng was singing, while I still felt
incredibly moved by the emotions pouring
out of the group who sang with all their
heart and soul.
3. They know their stuff! The Chinese—or as demonstrated by their diverse
songs, the East Asian—pop culture has a
very specific feel, attitude and connotation
attached to it. “Who
Else Can I Love?”
exemplified
their
painstaking
efforts
to produce a genuine
Asian pop sound with
a seamlessly arranged
duet, sung by two Singaporeans Joshua Yap
and Shunloong Chua;
unabashedly
lavish
harmonies; and two
lead singers who knew
how to get the audience’s attention. Chua
and Yap made me feel
as though I was sitting
with the live audience of a Chinese variety
show being serenaded. 4. The characters—I
mean, singers—are adorable and relatable!
As per any pop singing group, there were
the individuals who stood out. Joyce Kim’s
professional stage presence and solid control of her vocal skills made her stand out
as one of the most talented singers of the
group. Her deep, smooth voice was a perfect match for the song “Remembrance”.
However, while I appreciated her attempt
to emulate a particular “hesitant” style of
singing favored by many Chinese pop stars,
I found myself wishing I could hear what
she sounds like when she lets go.
Yap, on the other hand, stole the show
with his achingly beautiful rendition of
“East Wind Is Torn”. With his boyish voice
and his earnest emotions, Yap was the perfect stand-in for Jay Chou. Another gem of
the group was the sweet but commanding
presence of Candice Wei. Her chance in
the spotlight as the lead of “Silently Loving You” was the perfect showcase for her;
she had a good ear and moved with the
backup harmonies gracefully. The song
fell right in her vocal range, and the boys of
the group were rocking it up in the higher
notes of their register, giving the audience a
wonderful delivery of a real boy-band-andsongstress duet. Think Boyz II Men and
Mariah Carey for “One Sweet Day”.
5. They’re entertaining! Beyond all the
techniques, the songs, the arrangements
and the costume changes—the ladies were
lovely in their floral ensembles—this was
a group that loved what they were doing.
Their passion shone through the fact that
each member, even while singing the harmony, was belting it out as if he or she was
in the lead. “A Cappella Let’s Go” made for
the perfect close: fun and energetic, with an
air of farewell in the anime end-theme tradition. Even though the group must have
spent hours rehearsing, the efforts didn’t
show at all. The song was presented in a
whimsical manner as if they were just singing it at a moment’s notice. The carefree
exuberance of the final song reminded me
of the end sequence to the movie Grease,
when the entire senior class of Rydell
High gathered to sing and dance to “We
Go Together”. The song was a farewell,
a valediction, a last fling, but most of all,
a celebration —not from the past, not in
remembrance, but of the good times, here
and now.
Mickey Jou is a sophomore in the College. You
can write to her at myjou@sas
THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE |S PONSORED BY THE W HARTON J OURNAL | A PRIL 26, 2004 VOL . IV NO .19
lastcall
critically
informed
SUMMER DAZE OF IMPENDING DOOM
ANDREW PEDERSON | BRUT FORCE
NOW THAT
spring
has
finally come
and
thawed
out our corner
of
urban
sprawl, pleated
skirts are flying
off the shelves,
sunglasses
the size of
dinner plates are perched upon well-tanned
noses, and breasts of every size and shape
are blossoming out like tulips in halter top
planters. The sun has finally cut through the
layers of ice, and only three or four of every
seven days is obscured by rain. Even the
homeless are emerging from their discarded
cardboard cocoons and shedding one or
two layers to bask in a bit of the general
joie de vivre as they take a break from their
panhandling toil and stretch out on an open
air bench. The river of sweat running down
our backs as we trudge to ever dwindling
classes further reminds us that the days
where it was possible to feel clean are gone,
and it’s time to toast the return of bosoms
and barbeque once more.
While our world may now be in its most
pastoral phase, there is, as I always like to
point out, a major downside. Though the
sun now shines and mocks those without
air conditioning, soon most of us will have
to leave behind this Eden of concrete. A
few short weeks will bring the day when
multitudes of sweaty underclassmen pack
nine months worth of accumulated living
detritus into boxes and suitcases to test
the cargo capacity of any number of family
vehicles, all the while regaling Mom with
spontaneously generated tales which do not
include the terms “Beer Pong,” “Face down
in my own vomit,” or “A quickie in the BioPond.”
During our long and fantastic journey,
there will be much time to ponder the
summer ahead inbetween parentally
pacifying fabrications.
What awaits us
in our respective areas of provenance is a
cruel mixture of a social circle gone to rot,
living areas annexed and sullied by uncouth
siblings and, perhaps most horrifying of all,
an underpaid job to finance another year of
Wawa sandwiches and dime bags.
To be sure, it is distressing enough to think
of rebuilding the now dusty relationships
from “the good ol’ days” and even more so
to think there will be a line of newly-fattened
girls one
hasn’t
seen since
h i g h
school
squealing
a b o u t
how
it
will
be
soooooo
m u c h
fun to see
everyone
t o ge t h e r
again.
D o e s
no
one
perhaps
consider
t h e
possibility
that one would go to college in the first place
simply to get the hell away from people like
that? It’s a sure fact that no one in his right
mind is drawn thousands of miles across
the country for crappy weather, crime, and
pollution. More to the point, I left specifically
so I could build myself a life completely unlike
the one I had at home, but unfortunately, it
has become apparent the past can only go
by but never be forgotten—somewhat of the
same property that characterizes prison time
or sleeping with a very ugly woman.
Truthfully, old acquaintances can be
annoying, and most couldn’t be paid enough for your patio or dig your swimming pool.
to relive the awkward four years of high As you all stand around like a deaf-mute a
school. There were, in fact, some good times cappella group, I will swoop down with my
and a few memorable faces mixed within the inscrutable powers of literacy and carry the
brutally scarring emotional fracas which will day with a resounding “Aquì! Aquì!” Short of
make going back not a complete waste. Still, heroics, I will, at the very least, learn how to
a depressing reality which further mars the use a hammer and perhaps even some of the
situation is the advent of a full-time job for finer points of industrial first-aid like primary
the first time. Usually a full-time job would care for victims of sudden amputation by
still be in the future since being young, male, jagged fragments of rebar.
upper-middle class and white gives one a
To a certain extent, though, my depiction
unique set of perspectives, namely one that of my summer employment is a victim of
looks down an unfair context. A great number of my
on laying sod classmates are moving on to air-conditioned
or digging suites with catered lunch breaks in exchange
holes
for for 40 hours a week of making coffee and
c a s h ; distributing copies. Next to a lackadaisical
h o w e v e r , $15 per hour internship at Indochina Shoe
Penn
has Whores, Inc., what job doesn’t look bad?
p e r f e c t e d My job as a wheelbarrow technician looks
the art of significantly more appealing next to all the
f i n a n c i a l internships that are so much less than the
vampirism, Fortune 500—that is, the 60 hours per week
and many for $7 an hour filing corporate accounts
of us are at in the cosmic euphemism of the company
a point now “library.” Note as well that I am ignoring
between self- the crowds of ticket rippers and masochists
prostitution who will be frying bits of animal carcass and
a
n
d cleaning bathrooms for essentially nothing.
narcotics.
Viewed in this way, my summer is
As fate mediocre at worst, and though I will be
would have facing the language barrier head-on while
it,
finding I mingle with those my ancestors shoved to
people who want sex for free is difficult the bottom of the economic trough, I can be
enough—not to mention the various chemical comforted by the guaranteed misery of others
and health intricacies of methamphetamine like me in corporate “libraries” and KFCs
home-brewing. So, even though I have only alike. Therefore, as we stand on the cusp
140 pounds of muscle mass and roughly of summer, let those of us preparing for a
ten words of Spanish, I will be entering the sudden socio-economic descent rejoice these
labor force in May as an unskilled laborer for last weeks of hopefully drunken debauchery
Anderson Construction, Inc. of Carson City, and sunbathing. A few weeks from now, we
Nevada.
will only have the sanitized version we keep
Chuckle if you must, scoff if this amuses telling Mom.
you, but in the future it will be I who comes
to the rescue when your migrant workers Andrew Pederson is a freshman in the College. You
don’t know where the hell to put the concrete can write to him at awl@sas.
RUMINATIONS OF A RISING SOPHOMORE
BY LAUREN SAUL
IT IS VERY HARD to believe that the last week of classes
is drawing to a close. It seems like move-in and NSO were just
yesterday, but two semesters have passed and I would say that
the whole freshmen class is wiser, more mature, sorry to say
heavier, and much more savvy. We survived eight months of
Penn dining, some of us pulled our first all-nighters, figured
out just how far a person can go with minimal sleep, and as the
colorful, glossy Penn brochures promised, we met people who
were far different from ourselves—in background, experience
and points of view. Most people seemed enjoy freshman year
and there really is a sense that the year has ended. After all,
Spring Fling tired many of us—and our livers—out.
Next year will be different. The sophomore class will be
scattered in living arrangements throughout the campus and
fields of study are going to become more focused than before
as we begin to declare majors. In high school, most students
had few academic choices and it was paramount to do as well
as possible in a smattering of courses. Adolescents, as a result,
lacked freedom to pursue specific interests. The College amazingly provides an opportunity to dabble in a significant number
of electives simply for the sake of exploring and it encourages
people to learn ideas that they never would have previously
considered. Now, a year has gone by. We are all going to return
home and hear our senile grandmothers tell their retirement
friends that Jakey is a pre-med, and Jakey is going to say, “Actually I’m going to be a sociology major and go to grad school for
as long as possible, because I never want to leave academia and
go into the real world.” Just kidding. It is however fair to say
that many of us are considering paths of learning that were not
in the list of possibilities on move-in-day.
After experimenting for a year, the thought of deciding
what to take do with the next three years and with a lifelong
career may perhaps feel every bit as distant and vague as before.
With the end of freshman year comes a realization that the
GPA, the at once ubiquitous acronym, is going to leap back into
many of our mindsets. Many college students were sheltered
from partying and habits like drinking when they were in high
school and, as freshmen, they decided that they must compensate for previous inexperience by going completely haywire. As
sophomores, we may see them revert to some of their old habits
and those students who always were serious may grow even
more intense. We have been told that Penn offers what may be
the best combination of academic excellence and socializing in
the nation and that reality will continue to make life here more
fun than at some of our peer universities.
We may start to complain more about campus idiosyncrasies. 9 A.M. classes are going to be as intolerable as before and
8:30 A.M. recitations will continue to make the diligent grumble bitterly as they walk to class. While older students say that
campus dining improves every year, it may be wise to go off the
meal plan entirely and rely solely on food carts, take-out, and
dining dollars especially now that word is out about the sewage
leak in Commons. The freezing temperature in the library and
the uncomfortable heat in the dorms often leave us no happy
medium, especially when the air conditioning in the dorm is
not turned on by mid-April. For those of us who continue to
live on campus, needing a Penn Card to access dorms will continue to annoy us, though after living here for a year nobody
views it as an overzealous precaution.
This year we heard stories about a student assaulting another student in the high rises, the stabbing of a Penn student
on Locust Walk by some rural derelicts, and aggressive, intimidating West Philadelphian twelve year olds who went on Saturday night rampages. Quite a few panhandlers also consider our
campus home and many of us feel that the combination of West
Philadelphia and Ivy League self-pride is an odd one difficult to
reconcile. The wood floors in the Quad, the Gothic architecture
in the main area of campus, and the high-tech beacon of the
future that is Huntsman contrasts greatly with the surrounding
neighborhood. Some Penn students choose to volunteer in the
local community, but otherwise very little contact exists between
us and our local neighbors. The disparity between our campus
and the outside is very apparent. The area two blocks north of
the bookstore, Cosi, EMS, and Urban Outfitters is completely
different. As J. Ro leaves, we should be grateful that she helped
give Penn a more user-friendly feel. The surrounding neighborhood is not going to change anytime soon and the way to resolve
the existing tensions in our community remain unclear.
After a year, we may start to see more of Philadelphia. This
year, there was so much to see on campus that many of us did
not explore new scenes as much as we would have liked. Next
year, we may see more restaurants, bars, clubs and other city
venues. Sophomore year may also be the time to start participating in clubs and other types of extracurricular activities.
The summer will give us a chance to do a “year in review.”
So much has happened, whether it was at Fling, in the classroom, on the athletic fields, in the gym, or in dorm rooms. Most
freshmen lived with a random roommate and the stories that
circulated were mixed. Some of us will not even say “Hi” to that
person next year and some of us may continue to be frequent
sexilers.
No matter what, we all have so many stories to tell our high
school friends and so many censored versions of the truth to tell
our families. After a year of total freedom, it may be hard to go
home to parents who still consider us, in some way, high-schoolers and have not been around to see all of the changes that have
taken place. None of us will be in the same place that we were
last year, and home life will be considered only a memory. The
most exciting thing is that this year is only the beginning of a
long, unpredictable journey. When we are middle-aged, these
are the college adventures we will talk and laugh about with our
friends, so we must embrace the next three years with all of our
available energy and continue to be open to new situations.
Lauren Saul is a freshman in the College. You can write to her at
lcsaul@sas.