Gossip! “You can sleep when you`re dead”

The Lookalike virus
We had the English comedian, now we have the Slovenian musician. Or is it Turkish? We’re lost. Anyway look at those
pics of Onur from Turkey and a member of a Slovenian duo
“Slon in Sadež”. It means “Elephant and Fruit”. And there’s
a good joke behind the name of the reggae band (nice music
btw). Here it goes.
“An elephant is sitting in a tree - and he asks the
cherry: “Hey, you, cherry, aren’t you bored hanging in
here?” And the cherry replies to the question of the
elephant: “No, I’m a suicide cherry.”
“You can sleep when
you’re dead”
That’s the credo of EASA, right? We
wonder what is the minimum quantity
of rest that you can survive with.
Some participants offered it was two
hours early morning and one hour in
the evening. Seems just fine… And last
night was really worth every second
of not sleeping!
The “Kassa” deck was converted into
a cinema. A movie “Black brush” was
shown. Four guys cleaning chimneys,
one guy lost all the money… went to
drug dealer… a goat whose shit is a
drug… won a lotto… goat ate the lucky
numbers… and a happy ending. Sounds
like Guy Ritchie. Anyways, during the
movie the screensaver showed up on
the wall, because somebody apparently forgot to turn it off before the
start. So this one guy just looked to
the guys responsible for the movie
and shouted “You forgot the screensaver, YOU LOSERS!”. Dirrty.
The talking t-shirts finally spoke up
and invited a bunch of people (not all
of them sadly – they really have a tiny
space for their workshop) to a party.
It took a nice stroll by the Danube to
get there, and we were met by some
hardcore techno sounds coming from
the electricity generator. Amazed by
that, one Latvian cutie looked at us
and said “You know what, I really like drinking. Why?
Dunno, I just like being drunk”. Anyway, there were
some nice t-shirts hung in the shop – some people
have great design skills down here. We wonder if it
is possible to bring your own t-shirt to the workshop and get stenciled? Give it a try. They said they
are thinking about selling their t-shirts!
Everyone who’s not a freshman in EASA was looking forward for the presentation of the Berguen’05
DVD. It was incredibly hot in the room, we could see
sweat drops falling from our noses. And outside was
occupied by the hardcore techno… but we survived
and gave big applause to the slideshow of crazy pictures and weird videos of last year. Tilly, the chef,
was given the biggest applause we think – what
a master he was, what a master… and considering
that he actually used work in a ship, he would be
more than suitable here. The food complaints just
never stop… Aaaaanyhow. There were some technical problems as the gas for electricity ran out, but
while waiting for new gas to come Swedish organized
a pyramid game. Is it their national thing?
Brilliant job, Swiss team, it surely was worth the six
months you spent on making the DVD. And everyone
from last year will get a copy eventually… Danke.
It was the “Thanks God it’s Friday” night yesterday,
even though every day in EASA is like Friday, birthday and Christmas altogether. So another workshop
“Szimpla kert”, led by Paul and Sabina and working
on converting courtyards into cool public spaces,
went for a stroll through best Budapest bars. The
Dutch and Serbian tutors happen to live in Budapest,
so believe us, they knew so well where they were
taking their participants. The gang back really late,
all very happy. We think Paul and Sabina won’t mind
giving you some directions, if you
are interested!
And then in the very end of the
night, which actually was a very
bright morning already, and some
people were doing their exercises
(well they were not yet asleep to
tell the truth) this handsome tutor showed himself up on the front
deck, trashed, holding a glass of
beer and vodka and redbull in his
hands. He looked at his watch,
thought for a moment, and went
up for the quote of the day: “It’s
Saturday mornin’… So it’s Sunday in Ireland!” Brilliant. And it’s
Christmas in Russia, innit? One guy
from Belarus accompanied the comedian by lifting an origami frog
and kissing it. Sadly no princess
showed up – only a bunch of drunk
princes.
P.S. AND IT’S THE GREATEST EVER
NATIONAL NIGHT TONIGHT!!!
The Very Important Question
of Saturday morning
With the national evenings rapidly approaching, we here at
Umbrella wanted you to be properly prepared: After a night
of drinking some 10 to 20 samples of a collection of the
worlds most horrible and toxic spirits, we’re pretty sure that
waking up will leave you with head feeling like it was used
as a bowlingball. Now to solve this multinational hangover,
you of course also need an international hangover cure. Now
based upon what countries you will be visiting we suggest
you choose one, or a combination of the hangover cures
below. Goodluck!
russia
“take 15 black pills of any kind, that really helps” according
to yuri. Well yuri, we know russians are peculiar, but you just
seem to a bit extra-peculiar.
slovenia
“Take one tablespoon of olive-oil just before starting drinking, it should help the alcohol from being absorbed”. Well that
seems to be a lousy technique, obviously you’re not gonna get
a hangover when you’re not getting drunk, but then whats the
point in drinking? Another one: “Beer, of course. But no! I have
a special recipe for a drink that you must take before going
to sleep. You have to prepare lemonade with LOTS of lemons
and honey, then put an aspirin pill and a multivitamin pill. I had
this friend who used to eat dried bread while drinking, and he
didn’t have a hangover.”
niceragua
now these are a rowdy bunch; they advise us to eat mondogo’s
soup, which is a thick soup made from a cow’s stomach. With
that one should drink a bottle of “ron plata”, which is a really
cheap rum. And these should be taken in masatepe, which is a
really cheap place. Well guys, we were looking for hangover
cures, not ways to make it worse!
turkey
Now the turkish also advise us to eat a soup: Its called
iskembe, and this time its a soup containing chuncks of sheeps
guts! if thats not enough it should be eaten with loads of
vinegar and garlic. It might solve your hangover, but the extremely bad breath resulting from it will probably leave you
lonely for at least a week.
Gossip!
You won’t believe this. The
Latin American guys reported us a statistics from last
year’s Cuban CLEA. TEN girls
got pregnant during the event.
Who wants to give it a try?
The Europeans are welcome,
and the presentation of ELEA
will happen soon.
This one is just as good. A
polish couple managed to stay in “Szofia” after eleven, on the deck.
They decided to go back at some time during the night. They were
going down the stairs and they saw the captain of the ship, totally
naked and drunk, sleeping on the floor. It would have been the picture of the year, but sadly no camera was around.
Do you know you can use a BIBLE instead of rolling paper, you know
what I mean? We heard some people down here think it’s the best
choice because of the perfect structure of the paper.
Paul from UK went to school with the beautiful Kiera Knightley! And
he did see her naked. Find the details out yourselves.
italy
italians dont really seem to have a mind boggling
hangover cure, they just suggest we take coffee
with salt. Well, you cant solve every problem with
a cappucino guys... maybe those italian wussies just
dont know what proper drinking is!
or squeezed.
sweden
one would expect the swedish to be really good
at curing their hangovers, we can’t imagine those
dodgy home-brewn spirits leave you with a crystal
clear head the next morning. But all they seem to
be able to come up with, is drinking heaps of milk,
at least two litres. They also advise drinking it
with coco powder: Now we can’t really take that
seriously as a hangover cure of course, its what
you drink at your grandmothers!
Lithuania
Cabbage soup, “Fanta”, liquid that’s left from
pickles, sour milk, champagne, ah, anything will
do!
serbia
after a night of heavy drinking in serbia (which
we previously revealed to involve taking a mere
3 martini’s), the resulting uptown-hangover can
be solved by eating greasy fried eggs and
yoghurt. That sounds like an avarage breakbosnia
now the bosnians have a hangover cure that raises fast to me, i was at least expecting something
some questions, they first fill a large drum with involving caviar and saffron.
lettuces and acid. then they let it go sour over a
period of two moths. the large quantities of liquid latvia
that result from this process are said to take now the latvians have some strange hangoaway the pain quickly. This all seems like a rather ver cure: it’s called kefirs, and its basically
large-scale and industrial process from a tradi- old milk, and you’re supposed to take about
tional recipe; we wonder if bosnians also tradition- 2 litres of it. Now i suggest you’re near the
ships railing when you choose for this cure, i
ally drink their beers from conveyor belts?
can imagine it wanting to come back out rather
quickly.
poland
its called “cormshones” or something similar, the
polish are just not that good at handwriting. Its a france
sour cucumber usually stored in jars that you’re Coca-Cola, lots of water. Soup! Veggie... A
supposed to eat while drinking vodka. The next good McDonalds, the biggest menu! The greasy
morning, when the hangover strikes, you’re then fooood is so attractive when you hang over.
supposed to drink the remaining liquids from the So, McD is the beeest.
jar.
netherlands
“Don’t brush your teeth, get another beer. No,
united kingdom
jim suggest we take a bloody mary, on the rocks. brush your teeth with beer.”. No more kissing
for those of you who are ignorant, its a cocktail for the Dutch!
containing vodka, tomato juice, celery, sherry, salt
norway
and pepper.
So we now know what Chris “3 litres jack daniels” “Oh… I just stay in bed for the whole day, havMaloney will be drinking on tuesday, the morning ing some chocolates and gummies... But it’s not
a common habit, haha”. But we count it in.
after his drinking match with the belrussians.
belarus
the belarus advise us to take 3 oranges, and an
unspecified amount of girls. Now the belarus didnt
tell us if the oranges and girls should be peeled
Ireland
“Uh, just ignore it… You know, mosquito bites
– if ya scratch ‘em, it only gets worse. Same
with the drinking. You just need to keep on
goin’. “, said one of the heroes of drinking
down here in EASA.
Hello my beloved lovers.
I’ll just start with this
letter we got today...
Dear Dr Love,
I wish to remain namless
(hi Chris M), but I was
challenged to a drinking
contest by the Belarus
Crew.
I find this challenge a tough decision to
make for 2 reasons. Reason #1 - The feat (task)
described in yesterdays
issue of Ummmmmbrella was
completed 2 full years
ago when I was a much more
seasoned
(experienced)
drinker, so I feel like
this event would be a lot
like Mike Tyson returning
to the ring, for all the
wrong reasons (!) Reason
#2 is even more important,
and this is the fact that
I feel a close affinity to
a certain special lady
(who is it Chris?!), and
am hopeful of our relations getting closer. Understandably I am worried
what response I would get
from her if I join such a
debauched (terrible) day
of drinking (what, like
you do most nights you alchy basstaad?) Therefore
I ask you for some guidance on this issue, from
both a love perspective,
and a health one, love
coming first of course...
Well nameless, thanks for
writing in, I took the decision to move your letter
to the top of the queue
due to it’s time sensitive
nature.
Anyway, enough
flip flap, lets get to responding to your clumsily
phrased question. Firstly, while I am a Doctor
(with a Doctorate Degree
in Loveology) and I have a
working knowledge of the
human body, I should remind you that my expertise lies in matters of
the heart, not the liver.
However, since this issue is connected to love,
and I’m such a nice guy
(that’s right girls, what
you hear is true) I will
do my best to help you.
Firstly the health issue
- as you may know the recommended unit intake per
week for a man is 21 units
- my calculations show
that 3 beers and 5 vodka
mixers (I’m being conservative) bring you up to an
average of 154 units this
past week, somewhat concerning I would say. Following on from this, the 3
litres which you are expected to drink is a whopping 300 units of alcohol!
Let me put this into perspective, a beer is 1.5
units at least, and wine
and spirits are around 2-3
units.
So a small boozing session of 3 beers,
and 5 small vodka mixers
is about 22 units (your
weekly dose) I think everyone here would be at
least a little tipsy after that amount!
Therefore on a health basis I
cannot say that such an
amount of drinking would
be safe, although the upside is that you would die
for your honour...
On
the more important love
angle, I would again say
that the 3 litres of Jack
Daniels is not reccommended, as what you write
about this mystery girl
sounds sincere.
If you
die from drinking 3 litres
(which you will) of a poor
mans whisky (it’s more
like Bourbon really) then
she will surely not love a
corpse - even though the
alcohol will keep you almost perfectly preserved
for about a month.
So, here’s my final word
on the issue, if you do
choose to go ahead, I
would say that it can be
no more than 1 litre every
24 hours, and this with a
lot of water.
Even then
this would be an incredible feat.
Frankly and
since you are appearing in
every issue of this quality paper, I am beginning to get tired of this
reading like the Chris
Maloney Daily!
We sell space
down here as
well!
International
Relations
A
L
EL
Finally, an update on “international
relations” within NATO - the latest,
oldest, silly or serious new meetings
of culture (and other things) are:
B
Romania and Ireland
Ireland and Hungary
Macedonia and Ireland
Slovenia and Sweden
England and France
Some old enemies and new friends there as you can see, and the Irish come
storming in to take joint third spot with the Dutch, with the Romanians now on
3 as well, above Malta and England with 2 each. So, I hope that provides some
tongue-wagging material for you guys! What I must say however is that I won’t
give out names to anyone (anyone apart from beautiful girls) as if I do people
will stop telling me the news - got it? Good! Love Doctor Out.
Lighters!
Smokers on the boat (does anyone not
smoke here?) should look out for personalised stickers for their lighters
- both to make losing them harder, and
allowing people to say things like “I
slept with Elvis last night” or “Give
me Marylin Monroe back”
These are
again being sponsored by the British
team, so perhaps you’ll forgive them
r
shocking workshop newsflash!
Quotes of the Day
public to common: it sounded like the kindest, and
most well meaning of all workshops, but today
events took twist to the bizarre.
Jenny from Finland “I’ve been drunk since birth”
The workshop was organised in a rundown courtyard,
featuring dead animals and loads of trash, surrounded by housing for the poorest. The idea was
to clean this courtyard up, and to turn it into a nice
playground for the local children. In the process
for their many many terrible sins...“
Wouter from Holland “Oh no, I don’t have a quote for you - my head is
finished”
Christopher from Malta “Can you imagine the Pope (John Paul II) in goals?
Putting off the penalty takers with his shaking?!”. Another one from him:
“Can I use your girl?”. Yet another: “I can’t believe I am staring into an
Irish cock and it is smiling back!”.
Opinion Poll
Tomorrow morning we are sailing, our dear readers. Everyone willing to be a pirate
and occupy a castle should
check-in and pay in Zsofia at
9. The departure is at 9.30.
On board we will be supplied with breakfast, dinner, hangover recovery,movies
and other cool stuff.
AND
THEN THERE’S FOOTBALL! Concert, all the other different
stuff... 3000 forints each.
Also very important: If you
don’t want to come, please
write your name on the list
at the entrance of the dining room. The IT lab will be
closed, and dinner will be
served for those registered
only. Bye!
of painting the walls of the courtyard they even
involved the local children. The walls were splashed
with buckets of bright coloured paint, and that is
where things went sour. A local gypsy woman came
out of the buildings shouting in hungarian. she was
arguing that the paint was bad for the children as
it was not on water-base. It would get into their
eyes and lungs, and it would ruin their clothes which
would be too expensive to replace. Things escalated
when a large group of muscular hungarians with
tattoes came outside, but it didnt get to a full fight
because the police arrived. One norwegian girl had
been lightly injured when a bottle filled with water
was thrown into the group of easa-participants, and
an ambulance had come to take one of the children
to the hospital.
The local gypsies argues that the problem was that
“you don’t know what its like to have children”, and
threatened: “if you ever return here we will stab
you to death!”. It isn’t clear yet what will happen
to the workshop, if it will continue, stop or move to
another location. We’ll keep you informed.
WEATHER FORECAST
(URGENT! BAD! TERRIBLE!)
On the last minute of editing
we were reported of the worst
gossip ever. It is gonna rain
for 2 days. Two. Two long and
wet days, one of them is a boat
trip. $&%#^@%^&%$@.
on todays breakfast at Heroes
Square revealed a rather
interesting break up of
thoughts on the meal after asking a significant
number of participants,
it was split 3 ways exactly!
SHOPPING MAP!
The editor is shocked about
the popularity of her new
lego earrings and vinyl bag,
so she is gladly revealing
the hot hot hot shop very
close to EASA. It is marked
number 10 in this “shop til
you drop” map of Budapest
and it is called “Eclectic”. All the other ones
marked here are sooooo hot
as well. So head there guys
and just buy all of those
most architectural earrings
ever for you, your sisters,
girlfriends and teachers.
easa