What is Our Phoenix Song? Using Music to Heal Our Grief

What
is Our
Phoenix
Song?
page 1
VNSNY Hospice and
Palliative Care
Bereavement
Services Calendar
July–August 2012
Aflicción
por una
pérdida
page 3
page 5
A Memorial
Tapestry
page 6
Seasons of Life
A Bereavement Newsletter from the VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Program
July August 2012
Volume 8 Issue 1
What is Our Phoenix Song? Using Music to Heal Our Grief
Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R, CT Manager of Spiritual Care and Bereavement Services
I
n the sixth book of the Harry Potter
Series, “The Half-Blood Prince,” there
is a scene in which Harry’s mentor and
guardian Albus Dumbledore dies at the hand
of Severus Snape. It is a moving and powerful
scene for many reasons critical to the arc of the
story including Dumbledore’s magical Phoenix,
Fawkes, crying a haunting lament at the death
of the great wizard. Such a painful moment in
Harry’s life needed the healing balm of Fawkes’
music. Harry had suffered so much loss, and
now with the death of his mentor and friend,
he wondered how he could go on.
Often a song or a melody can act as a
key to unlock a memory or a moment in the
grieving person allowing the life of a deceased
loved one to flood back into consciousness
in a unique way. In a recent workshop on the
healing nature of music the facilitator played
a song requested by one of the grieving
participants, a young woman whose father had
died as a patient in our hospice program. The
daughter shared that she had not been ready
“till that moment” to truly feel the enormity of
the absence of her dad. The melody and lyrics
took the grieving daughter to a place, which,
before that moment, was locked away. She left
the session that evening more capable to
engage the hard work of grief, knowing at a
deeper level that healing could be possible.
At our annual Hospice Memorial Service,
family members join with hospice staff and
volunteers to honor and remember the lives of
our deceased patients in a service of readings,
reflections and music. Music provides a
pivotal component of the healing energy of
that service. This year young musicians from
the Juilliard School, vocalists from the City Bar
Chorus, and the female a cappella Threshold
Choir will present a variety of vocal and
instrumental selections which promise to
bring a profound element of healing to those
attending the service.
“Somewhere out in the darkness
the Phoenix was singing in a way
Harry had never heard before; a
stricken lament of terrible beauty.
[...] Harry felt, as he had felt about
the Phoenix song before, that the
music was inside him, not without
… How long they stood there, listening, he did not know, nor why it
seemed to ease their pain a little
to listen… [...] They all fell silent.
Fawkes’s lament was still echoing
over the dark grounds outside.”
—JK Rowling
I encourage you to connect with music
that can offer you solace and bring you to
a place of healing and remembrance. The
following suggestions from psychologist
and hospice music therapist Paula Marie
Jones can provide a starting place to use
music in your journey of grief.
Listen to Music and Journal
Sit in a private space. Play the music that will
help you feel your emotions and write about
your feelings. Let it flow from you naturally
and uncensored. If you want to take these
writings and create a more refined form such
as poetry, you can always edit later. The
primary purpose of free-form writing is to
release the intensity of your emotions from
your body. You may choose to take these
writings and destroy them since they have
Continued on next page
1
served the purpose of release. You may also consider writing a letter to express how you are feeling and what’s happening in your world.
Listen to Music to Connect to Your Loved One
Sit in a private space. Play the music that will help you
feel connected to your loved one and have a “conversation”
with them. “Talk” to them through your imagination or
mind or just talk to them out loud. Once you have
finished talking, be quiet and listen.
Dear Friend-in-Grief,
As I approach the commemoration of the second
Father’s Day since my own father’s death, I thought
I could share some of the thoughts, feelings and
reactions I’ve had this second year.
I was speaking with a close friend recently,
someone who had been by my side through the entire
process of my Dad’s illness and death. She said that
I seemed different to her this year, especially as we
come up to Father’s Day. When I asked her what she
meant, she replied, “You just seem more in tune with
your Dad and don’t seem as sad as you’ve been.”
I had to admit, she was right.
Listen to Music at the Gravesite, Seashore or Place
of Remembering
Go to the gravesite, seashore, place of remembering or any
inspiring location of your choice. Bring a blanket or chair
and plan to stay for a while. Play the music that will help
you feel connected to your loved one. You might have a
“conversation” with them…maybe talk to them through
your imagination/mind or even talk to them out loud.
Talk to them through your writings. Once you have finished
talking, be quiet and listen.
Listen to Music for Meditation or for Respite
to Heal Your Body
Sit in a private space and close your eyes. Play the music
that will help you imagine a nurturing, quiet place that
calms your emotions and nervous system. Allow the
music to soothe your mind and heart. Perhaps you
might connect with your own personal Spiritual tradition.
Listen to Music for Gratitude and Celebration
Play the music that will help you create a healthy connection
and remembrance of your loved one. Reflecton your
memories about them and the ways you know them now.
Celebrate and honor their presence in your
life with gratitude.
Sincerely,
M.Div, LCSW-R, CT
Manager of Spiritual Care and
Bereavement Services
It happens that Father’s Day and the anniversary
of my Dad’s death are pretty close to one another.
Naturally there is linkage between the 2 events for me.
The first Father’s Day after Dad’s death highlighted
the profound absence of his presence and the hard
fact of not having to buy a card or a gift to give to
him. This year that reality does not loom so large.
While I don’t need to get a card or a gift, I am
remembering my Dad in a way very different than
last year. As a father myself, I feel particularly attuned
to the presence of my own children and how I am
called to be with them. The qualities my Dad hoped
to instill in me are becoming more visible in the ways
that I listen to my children. That ability to listen was
among the greatest gifts I received from my Dad.
He would always put aside whatever he was doing
and focus on whatever issues I was raising, from
school work to girl friends to career choice. He was
present and attentive to me no matter what. For that
I am grateful.
So as we remember our loved ones I can only say
that in the midst of the pain of loss there are so often
glimmers of the light of connection and from those
happier memories flow the seeds of creating a true
legacy to the ones we’ve lost. If you are reading this
letter and are newly bereaved, try not to be afraid
of the pain; try not to avoid it. From that pain will
come the chance to pause and reflect on your life to
see what’s most important. From that pain will come
the opportunity to heal, over time to create new
memories and a lasting legacy from the story of the
one we loved.
Mark
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Seasons of Life
Aflicción por una pérdida
Utilizado con el permiso de Caring connections (www.caringinfo.org)
L
a pérdida de un ser
querido es muy doloroso.
Ninguna muerte es fácil
para comprender o aceptar.
No existe una manera que esté bien
ni mal de estar afligido ante una
pérdida. Cada persona tiene su
manera personal de reaccionar.
• Es importante y normal expre•
•
•
sar sus emociones sobre esta
pérdida.
Estar triste sobre una perdida es
una emoción normal durante la vida.
El pesar también puede ser de una pérdida de trabajo,
un divorcio, una enfermedad grave, una mudanza lejos
de su familia o de sus amigos, o ante algún cambio en su
estilo de vivir.
El pesar es una emoción muy personal, y diferente para
cada persona.
Estar afligido implica:
• Tristeza, sentirse vacío, como si estuviera uno en un
•
•
•
•
•
•
estado de shock.
Respuestas físicas, como boca seca, náuseas, confusión,
falta de energía, fatiga, dificultades para respirar,
dificultades para dormir, y falta de apetito.
Enojo ante la situación, con alguien o en general.
Remordimiento por lo que hizo o dejó de hacer.
Alejamiento de la familia, los amigos, o de las
actividades habituales.
Dificultad para concentrarse en el trabajo o con
actividades del hogar.
Tener dudas respecto de su espiritualidad o de su fe
o al valor de su esencia.
Viviendo con un aflicción—La aflicción puede durar
unos días, unas semanas, o varios meses. Las emociones
asociadas con aflicción van y vienen. No hay límite de
tiempo por la cual una persona tendrá este pesar. La
duración e intensidad dependen de la persona.
Hable sobre su pérdida—Rodearse con familia y
amigos que le quieren y que lo apoye durante su luto es
importante. Deje saber a su familia y a sus amigos cuando
y como Ud. quiere llevar a cabo su luto. Quizás quiera Ud.
hablar con su familia o sus amigos o con un consejero
sobre su pérdida. También puede encontrar apoyo en un
grupo de apoyo comunitario.
Perdónese—Pidiendo y recibiendo perdón es una tarea dificultosa
durante su luto. El perdono puede
ser un desafió por lo que hicimos o
no hicimos, tiempo de enojo y frustración durante el curso de una
relación con su ser querido.
Coma bien y haga ejercicio
—Es importante mantener un
estilo de vida saludable incluyendo
una dieta balanceada y ejercicio.
Este estilo le dará la energía necesaria para que pueda
disfrutar su alivio. Cosas como cambio de rutina,
manteniendo rutinas buenas, métodos de relación, y
descansando su cuerpo y su mente, le puede renovar su
espirito interno. Diviérta—disfrute de una película buena,
o leer un libro, salir con familia o con amigos, reírse, baile,
o disfrutar de unos juegos. Estas actividades no indican
que se olvidó de su ser querido, solo es un método de
adaptarse a una vida nueva. Días de festejo, cumpleaños,
aniversarios, y servicios religiosos quizás le hagan recordar
a su ser querido y le causen emociones de dolor. Estando
con amigos y familia durante este tiempo le da la libertad
de expresar sus emociones y sus pensamientos. El tiempo
le puede curar las heridas. Celebrando la memoria de
su ser querido es muy importante. Estas memorias quizás
le causen dolor pero le pueden dar una fortaleza para
hacer una vida nueva.
Un Pedazo de Mi Fuerza
Te envío un pedazo de mi fuerza,
un pequeño trozo de la columna vertebral
que te ayudará a quedarte de pie
un poco más tiempo, un poco más alto.
Te envío un soplo de aire fresco.
Aspirelo, profundamente.
Te envío un poco de sudor de mi frente.
Hay trabajo dificil adelante.
Te envío el polvo de los antepasados,
para ayudar a tus pies en el camino.
Te he enviado oraciones en el universo
por medio de los espíritus
que me guían y cuidan por mi a los espíritus
que guían y cuidan por ti.
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Seasons of Life
Finding the Rite Path
The Rev. Vince Corso, M. Div., LCSW, CT Manager of Spiritual Care and Bereavement Services
I
n her memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, Liz Gilbert (Viking,
2006) recounts her struggles to come to terms with
many losses in her life; in particular, a bitter divorce.
In the first half of the book, she describes
her travels as a journey of self-awareness.
When she comes to a point where she must
finally have some resolution of her feelings
about her ex-husband, she creates a ritual,
even though her husband is physically
thousands of miles away. She found a
secluded rooftop, spread a blanket, lit a candle and deliberately brought to mind the many memories—positive and
negative—of her marriage relationship so that she could
honor them, accept them and let them go.
The ritual gave her a place where she could “house”
those thoughts and feelings whenever they would arise in
the future—which they will always arise. She admitted
that rituals do not bring an end to feelings—positive or
negative—associated with an event, but they do help the
individual(s) involved to name them and give them a place.
“This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as
human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our
most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don’t
have to haul
those feelings
“ Bereaved individuals have often
around with us
told me that their sadness seems
forever, weighto invade the entire day. They wish
ing us down.
We all need
that it could be contained so they
such places of
do not feel swallowed by it.
ritual safekeepA ritual helps to do just that.”
ing. And I do
believe that if
your culture or tradition doesn’t have the specific ritual
you’re craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make
up a ceremony of your own devising, fixing your own
broken-down emotional systems with…do-it-yourself
resourcefulness.”
Rituals give us a place of rest in the turmoil of the
everyday. When a person is in the midst of grieving, the
last thing they may think of is creating a ritual. But it may
be just what is needed most. Rituals give a structured time
and place within which to feel strong feelings and recall
memories associated with a loved one. It’s not that grieving
should be experienced only during the time of the ritual,
but that a ritual focuses emotions for a specific amount of
time. Bereaved individuals have often told me that their
sadness seems to invade the entire day. They wish that it
could be contained so they do not feel swallowed by it.
A ritual helps to do just that.
On May 7th, our bereavement staff had the opportunity to sit with author Hope
Edelman. Ms. Edelman is renowned for her groundbreaking work in writing
about Mother Loss. You can read about Hope's extensive work at her website:
HopeEdelman.com
Back row: Pam Yew-Schwartz, Liz Santana, Chris Gallagher, Novella Lawrence,
Mary Kay King, Dianna Sandiford, Kim Eclipse, Debra Oryzysyn, and Melissa Figueroa.
Front row: Michelle Hamilton, Vince Corso, Janet King, Hope Edelman, and Willis
Partington, (Absent for photo, Jean Metzker).
A ritual is just one way of focusing that grief-energy
into a time when the deceased can be recalled, when tears
can be shed, memories recalled and plans be made for
the future.
Here are some ideas of rituals that have
helped others:
• Buy a special candle to light at significant times
• Volunteer (feed the hungry, read to children, etc.)
• Create a scrapbook for written memories and photos
• Donate books, gifts, quilts, etc. in a loved one’s name
•
•
•
•
•
to a charity
Plant a tree or rosebush in a loved one’s name
Find a special tree or view in a park to be a place of
remembrance
Offer a scholarship or book certificate in a loved one’s
name to a school
Take a walk/trip at the death anniversary time dedicated
to your loved one’s memory
Have a family “memory” gathering where pictures and
reminiscences are shared
Grief rituals help us remember in loving, healing ways—
with a genuine sense of peace. Too often people feel they
must “hold on” to pain, seemingly forever, in order to
remember those they love. This is not true. Instead, create
a ritual individually or with others that will have the most
healing significance for you. It is a different but meaningful
way to “hold on” to a loved one.
4
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Seasons of Life
Visiting Nurse Service of New York Hospice and Palliative Care
Bereavement Services Calendar July–August 2012
All groups and education programs are free; call to register and for the location.
Bereavement Groups
Men Coping with Death • Manhattan
Mondays • July 2, August 6
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
Drop-In General Bereavement Group • Manhattan
(No Pre-registration Required)
Second and Fourth Tuesdays • July 10 & 24, August 14 & 28
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
John Anderson • 212-760-3146
Coping with Grief for Adults • Manhattan
Fridays • July 13, 20, 27, August 3, 10, 17, 24
11:30 a.m.—12:30 p.m.
Diane Brennan • 212-609-4115
Proceso de Luto • Manhattan
Thursday • July 12
1:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
Young Adult Loss of a Parent • Manhattan
Monday • July 9
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Christine Gallagher • 718-536-3187
Adult Loss of a Sibling • Manhattan
Monday • July 23
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
Adult Loss of a Sibling • Manhattan
Mondays • July 23
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
Coping with the Death of a Spouse/Partner
for Older Adults • Queens
Third Wednesday Each Month • July 18, August 15
11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
“Coffee Bunch” Coping with Death • Brooklyn
Last Friday Each Month, July 27, August 31
2:00 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
Grief Workshop for Families • Brooklyn
Family sessions available by request
Monday or Wednesday Evenings
6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
Saturday Mornings • July 7, 21, August 4, 18
10:45 a.m. and 12:15 p.m.
115 Windsor Road (Near Slosson Ave)
Novella Lawrence • 718-753-2380
Pelkey Grief Education Workshops in July
Stress Management and Self-Care in Grief
Monday • July 9
12:00 p.m.—2:00 p.m.
Vince Corso • 212-609-1905
How Long Does Grief Last?
Thursday • July 26
6:00 p.m.—8:00 p.m.
Vince Corso • 212-609-1905
H.E.A.L. Family Ice Cream Night • Manhattan
An evening filled with arts, crafts and games for families with school
age children coping with a recent loss.
Friday • July 13
6:00 p.m.—8:00 p.m.
Kimberly Eclipse • 646-483-6276
Pelkey Grief Education Workshops in August
Mourning the Death of a Spouse/Partner
Thursday • August 2
6:00 p.m.—8:00 p.m.
Christine Gallagher • 718-536-3187
Jueves Cine "El Camino" • Manhattan
Thursday • August 30
12:00 p.m.—4:00 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
Talking to Your Children about Death and Dying:
Thursday • August 9
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton • 888-867-0600 (ext. 98707)
michelle.hamilton@vnsny.org
Professional Bereavement Support:
Is it the Right Choice for Me?
Learn about the wide array of bereavement services offered by the VNSNY
Hospice. Bereavement support is free of charge and part of your deceased
loved one’s hospice benefit. Meet with a member of our bereavement staff,
ask questions and learn about the benefits by not traveling this road alone.
Monday • August 27
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Janet King 212-609-1907
janet.king@vnsny.org
Grief Recovery Support Group • Staten Island
Tuesday Mornings • July 10, 24, August 7, 21
10:45 a.m.—12:15 p.m.
1150 South Ave, Suite 303
Novella Lawrence • 718-753-2380
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Seasons of Life
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
Non-Profit
U.S. Postage
1250 Broadway, 7th floor
PAID
New York, NY 10001
New York, NY
Permit No.
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LOOK INSIDE FOR:
JULY-AUGUST 2012
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
A Memorial Tapestry
W
oven from pieces of
fabric cut from shirts,
blouses, scarves,
dresses or other personal items of
individuals who died, A Memorial
Tapestry was begun at VNSNY
Hospice Care in September 2007.
Inspired by a similar endeavor of
the Hynes Hospice in Wichita,
Kansas and developed locally by
Janet King, VNSNY Hospice Care
bereavement counselor, the Tapestry is designed as a
continuous memorial with new additions each year.
As an expressive arts therapist, Ms. King is keenly
aware of the power of a weaving created from many
pieces of fabric to symbolize and join the love and
loss of so many families.
Seasons of Life
Bereaved family members are
welcome to send fabric cuttings
any time of the year to Ms. King,
so they can be incorporated into
the Tapestry.
The Memorial Tapestry will
be on view at the VNSNY
Hospice Memorial Service,
scheduled for early afternoon
on Sunday, September 30, 2012
at the Unitarian Church of
All Souls at 1157 Lexington Avenue (@80th) in
Manhattan. It will be displayed during the rest
of the year at the VNSNY Hospice administrative
offices in Manhattan.
A special tapestry that's become a continuous memorial
Editor: Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R, CT
Manager of Spiritual Care and Bereavement Services
Published with the help of VNSNY’s Marketing Department
vince.corso@vnsny.org or call him at 212.609.1905
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Seasons of Life