Current-March-25-201.. - The Orange Peel Gazette

Est. 2000
Orange Peel Gazette
Vol. 12, Issue 19
March 25, 2013
SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4
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1 BEDROOM APARTMENTS
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My sister Candice's husband drove right into a
radar trap. And because Candice was following him in
her car, the police officer nabbed her too. After the
officer had written up one ticket, he approached
Candice. Her defense was that she was merely following her husband. When that appeal failed, she tried
another tack: "Do you give family discounts?"
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After I tucked my six-year-old daughter into bed,
she asked if she could sleep with Snuggles, my special
teddy bear, because she was just a little scared. I
looked at her bed, filled with her own dolls and bears,
and said, "What about all of these?" "They won't
help," she replied. "They're already asleep."
Twilight Zoned
My boss had been trying to reach Mike, one of his
plumbers, when it became apparent Mike had accidentally turned off his pager. Suddenly the boss realized
he had sent Mike on a call to an apartment building
where his own sister lived. When Mike returned to the
office, he said he felt he had been in the Twilight
Zone: While working in the hallway, an attractive lady
whom he had never seen before opened her apartment
door and said: "Mike? It's for you."
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Since
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Who’s In The Case?
As a flight attendant in the 1970s, one of my duties
was to remove hard objects from the overhead bins.
One day I helped an elderly woman retrieve her carryon case from the rack and stow it under the seat.
"Careful, dearie," she said, smiling sweetly. "My husband's in there...I'm taking him home to New Jersey
with me."
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After Laura was pulled over for speeding, she told
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The little girl then asked, "Why didn't he just spank
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Aiming For The Stars
A young man visited an observatory for the first
time. While there he watched the astronomer look
through a large telescope. When the young man
looked up at the night sky, he just happened to see a
shooting star. "That's amazing!" he said. "You sure are
a great shot."
Man Of Cards
Late in the day a wild man burst into the psychiatrist's office. "Ya gotta help me!" he screamed, "I can't
stop thinking I'm a deck of cards!" Flushing with
anger, the doctor snapped, "Wait outside! I'll deal with
you later!"
My Son’s Wisdom
My mother-in-law was going to spend the holidays
with us. Before her arrival, my husband, Barry, and I
debated whether or not she should accompany us to a
party on New Year's Day. Barry wanted her to attend,
but I worried she might feel out of place. I turned to
my 21-year-old son, who had been listening. "I agree
with you, Mom," he said. "You shouldn't take her."
Surprised, as he always agrees with his dad, I was
basking in his approval when he added, "That would
be like me taking you to a party with me."
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but
what you want is someone who will take the bus with
you when the limo breaks down." Oprah Winfrey
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Max’s Good News
Young Max walked in the door, a smile on his
face. "Say, Dad, good news. Remember you promised
to pay me ten dollars if I passed the math exam?" Mr.
Townsend looked up from his newspaper and nodded.
"Well," said Max, "I spared you the expense."
Pay Phone Conversation
Desperate to use a payphone, a visitor to town
searched high and low, and when he eventually found
one, it was already occupied. Hoping that the man
inside the kiosk wouldn't be long, the visitor waited
impatiently outside, constantly looking at his watch. In
an attempt to convey a sense of urgency, the visitor
kept staring at the man on the phone but soon noticed
that he wasn't actually saying anything. As the minutes
passed, the visitor kept looking, nodding and pointing
to his watch, but the guy inside paid no attention and
just stood there with the phone in his hand, saying
nothing into the receiver. After a quarter of an hour,
the guy inside had still not said a word into the phone.
Thinking that he was being deliberately obstructive
and just wasting time, the visitor finally lost his cool.
Opening the door of the box, he tried to snatch the
phone from the other man's hand. "Do you mind!"
said the guy with the phone. "I'm talking to my wife!"
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is
making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
6
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Slow Night In Vegas
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap
table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet
twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of
the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel
much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that,
she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down
and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She
hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed..The
dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one
of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
“Noles” Fan
A teacher asks her students if they're “Gator” fans.
All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay,
Eddy What team are you a fan of?" "The Noles"
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both “Noles”
fans, so I'm a “Noles” fan too." "That's not a good
answer, Eddy. If your parents were both morons,
would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me
a “Gator” fan!"
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.
POLK COUNTY’S MOST TRUSTED JEWELER SINCE 1953
WE GIVE YOU THE BEST PRICES
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w w w . Fo s he eJ ew e le rs . co m
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Another Talking Dog
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender
says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't
understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he
can talk." "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog
can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts
the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a
house?" "Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of
a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball
player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard
enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says,
"get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're
on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do
you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
Washington Beltway
Bill was driving on the Beltway in a car with
Hillary. He told her to stick her head out the window
and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out
and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...
Dental Reconstruction
During the year that my husband was undergoing
expensive dental reconstruction, he got to know everyone in the dentist's office. When a couple of staffers
teased him about his garbled speech after he got a
mouth-numbing anesthetic, he replied, "Well, it's hard
to talk with $5,000 in your mouth."
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OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE
David Arango, M.D.
Page 9
Cowboy and The Woman Bikers EJF
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker
bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and
ORTHOPEDICS
orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a
& SPORTS
while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear
blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely
MEDICINE INSTITUTE asilent.
... In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next
SPECIALIZING IN: Spinal Disorders
to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I
• Auto Accidents • Work Related Injuries
think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you
should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde
We Offer effective: Epidural Spinal Injections
• Facet Joint Injections • Trigger Point Injections girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde
girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman
1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL
with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next
575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL
to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do
Phone: 863 324-6100
you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Lost Luggage
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the
woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she
asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
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Page 10
Letter Home
A college student wrote a letter home:
Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for
money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for
another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I
beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son,
Marvin.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who
picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to
take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I
could get it back. But I was too late.
A few days later he received a letter from his
father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"
In the Old Days
My daughter was six and excited about learning all
the wonderful things about the world that first-graders
learn. She turned to me one day and asked, "Mom,
back in the old days when you were a kid, had they
learned how to make the wheel yet?" I replied, "No,
Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire."
Frozen
A wife texts her husband on a cold morning:
"Windows frozen." Her husband texts back: "Pour
some lukewarm water over it." The wife texts back 5
minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now.
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11
The ABC Song
Politician in bookstore: Hey, can you help me find
this book? Clerk: Sure. (He holds up a piece of paper
with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on
the shelves and hand it to him.) Politician: Thanks!
How'd you do that so fast? Clerk: Well, I've worked
here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order
by author’s name. Politician: What do you mean?
Clerk: Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You
know, A’s before B’s? (He looks confused, but then
widens his eyes.) Politician: The letters actually go in
that order? I thought that song was just to remember
them all!
Candle
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to
their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going
on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm
there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest
returned three years later, he went to the couple's
house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to
two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where
her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came
the harried reply. And speaking of Rome, A sign in a
Rome laundry read: - Ladies, leave your clothes here
and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?.....
and if it does, what does Phillip’s head look like?
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Page 12
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Since 1951
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Home of The FREE BIRTHDAY SHORTCAKE
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The Sign of Great Steaks!
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Reservations Suggested • 863-686-1434
735 E. Main St
Lakeland, FL
Visit us at:
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Found in the Attic
Mom and the kids had been up in the attic together
doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, .what's
this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered,
thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what
does it do?" they asked. "I'll show you," she said and
returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the
paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys,
leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!"
they exclaimed, "that's really cool, but how does it
work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no
plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then
where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It
doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow!
This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should
have invented this a long time ago!"
Anniversary Gift
One week before our Anniversary, my wife and I
discovered we'd each bought the same gift for each
other, The Beatles' Number One CD. My wife suggested I return mine, but I suggested whoever paid the
most for theirs should be the one to deal with the
return. After she told me how much she had paid
$18.99, I said, "Well I paid only $16.99 so I guess
you'll have to return yours." "How could you get me
such a cheap gift?" she asked indignantly.
Est 1986
Home of the
Greek Salad
FAMILY RESTAURANT
Sun & Mon
11AM -8PM
Tues-Sat
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1498 Havendale Blvd., Winter Haven, FL
863-299-4564
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with entreè. Not Valid with any other offer.
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Expires 4/14/13.
26 YEARS IN WINTER HAVEN
MUSIC & BINGO & LOTS OF FUN
Free Kittens RY
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing
on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was
a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her
hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Chris Matthews walks by, What do you have in the
basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How
old are they?" asked Matthews. Suzy replied, "They're
so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what
kind of kittens are they?" "Liberals," answered Suzy
with a smile. Matthews was delighted. As soon as he
returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him
about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the
perfect photo op for MSNBC, the two men agreed that
Matthews should return the next day; and interview
the girl and talk about her discerning kittens. So the
next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk
with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when MSNBC
pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC,
NBC, CBS. CNN and FOX. Cameras and audio
equipment were quickly set up, then Matthews walked
over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it
if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of
kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said.
"They're Conservatives." Taken by surprise, the
Matthew stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told
me they were Liberals." Little Suzy smiled and said,
"I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
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Angels Explained By Children RY
Some New, some previsibly printed, all precious.
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and
Harold. Gregory, age 5 • Everybody's got it all
wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why,
but scientists are working on it Olive, age 9 • It's not
easy to become an angel! First, you die..Then you go
to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to
go through. And then you got to agree to wear those
angel clothes. Matthew, age 9 • Angels work for God
and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, age 7 • My guardian angel helps
me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, age 8 • Angels don't eat, but they drink milk
from Holy Cows!!! Jack, age 6 • Angels talk all the
way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main
subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9 • When an angel gets mad, he takes a
MARKET W0RLD deep breath and counts to ten. He lets out his breath
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Angels have a lot to do and are very busy. If you lose
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boys didn't go for it. Antonio, age 9
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Page 15
A
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WINTER HAVEN
DAVENPORT
Mon -Th: 10AM-11PM
Fri & Sat 10AM 12PM
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ANY TWO HOMEMADE
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Angels Explained By Children RY
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She
got a big head start on helping me while she was still
down here on earth. Ashley, age 9 Some of the
angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and
pets. And if they don't make the animals get better,
they help the child get over it. Vicki , age 8 • What I
don't get about angels is why, when someone is in
love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, age 7
Collection Plate Mistake
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a
dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then,
the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and
handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20
in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and
heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your
$20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
The Amateur Photographer
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner
with friends and took along a few pictures to show the
hostess. She looked at the photos and commented
"These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving
to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal!
You must have some very good pots."
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Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I
saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking
space. She bumped the car in front, then backed up and
hit the car behind her. This went on about two minutes. I
walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer
was declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're
not going to use them once in a while?"
Broken Ribs
Scene: Patient laying on a gurney with the doctor
standing next to him holding up an x-ray. Doctor: Do
you want the good news or the bad news first?.
Patient: Give me the bad news I guess. Doctor: The bad
news is your x-ray shows that you have three broken
ribs. The good news is we fixed it with Photoshop.
Just Being Polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter brought out two steaks, Bill
quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom
wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn
to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first,
which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece,
of course." Bill: "What are you complaining about?
The smaller piece is what you got, right?"
A traitor is a man who quits your party to join
the other one. A man who quits the other
party to join yours is a convert!
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HOURS: 10-6 MON- FRI •10-4 SAT
1415 Third St, SW • Winter Haven, FL
863-299-8800
U.S. Highway 98 North • Lakeland, FL
863-816-2800
CASH FOR GOLD OR SILVER
Algebra Problem
Because my tenth grade math class had difficulty
solving an algebra problem, I went to the blackboard
to demonstrate how it was done. The solution required
many steps, but finally we arrived at the answer: X =
0. One of my students complained, "You mean to tell
me we did all that work for nothing?"
At the Office?
My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything
okay at the office?" I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's
been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course,
anything, what is it?" He said, "Hurry up and take your
shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."
The Total Boss
A group of men at the office were talking when
one man said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when
the laundry is done, when the cooking is done and
when the dishes are washed." One of the other guys
asked, "How long have you been married?" The man
says, "Oh, I'm not married!"
Baby Cry?
At 3 AM in the morning, a young wife shook her
husband awake. Groggily he asked "What is it?"
"The baby," she reminded him. The husband sat up
and listened intently. "But I don't hear her crying," he
protested. "I know, and it's your turn to see why not!"
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Page 20
Candles, Sandals & Beads
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Audio Book
After an enthusiastic recommendation from my
wife, I began listening to the audio-book version of a
novel. "I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,"
I complained. "He refers to characters I don't know
and introduces them a half hour later." My wife was as
confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by
the jumpy story line. It wasn't until the end of the
book that my dilemma was explained: I had my iPod
set on "Shuffle."
Hollywood must be the only place on earth
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Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin
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Bass Fishing
Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught
recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that
fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
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weight during three hours of fighting."
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PYTHON CHALLENGE
2013
Kindergarten Drop Out
My friend was working at an amusement park
when a couple stopped him. "Excuse me," said the
woman, pointing to a pond. "What is that water made
out of?" Bemused, my friend replied, "Two parts
hydrogen and one part oxygen." "See?" she said to her
boyfriend. "I told you it wasn't real."
T-SHIRTS, MERCHANDISE
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Caddy Advice
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a
confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a fourwood and a putt to me." The caddy argued with him a
bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a
four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee
telling him that he was a better golfer than that and
how dare the caddy under estimate his game. So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood
he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and
watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of
the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter
and said, "And now for one long putt..."
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my
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T e l l m e , W H AT ’ S a h O M E W I T H O U T A P E T ?
We'd love to be part of your
family. Please take us home.
Tiki
Domestic Shorthair
Female 5 Years
Tiki is a sweet, affectionate
black and orange cat who
loves to say “hello.” When she
is not getting belly rubs from
her adoring humans, Tiki. Can
you give a life of belly rubs?
Kitty Rae
Domestic Shorthair
Female 7 Years
It’s true! Cats only get better with age. Kitty Rae is one
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She enjoys playing with all
kinds of cat toys and woluld
love you to join her for a nap.
Peta
Hound
Female 4 Years
Peta is one romantic girl.
She loves long, quiet strolls in
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PET CREMATION
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About Two Miles
A unit of soldiers was on a long dusty march
across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day
and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. "Say,
friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the
next town?" "Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour
dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly. "Oh, a good two miles." A nearly half hour longer
of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's
the next town?" "Not far," was the encouraging
answer, "only about two miles." "Well," sighed the
optimistic sergeant, "as least we're holding our own!”.
We divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
Spanky
Bulldog Mix
Male 9 Months
Looking for that energetic
puppy for your highly active
lifestyle? Then Spanky is the
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22
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MOTORCYCLES
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I
feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and
dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is
better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
5525 US Hwy 98 N, Lakeland, FL
NEW LOCATION
reading." Paul Horning
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
2614 Lakeland Hills Blvd,
I think not." H. L.. Mencken
" When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
Lakeland, FL
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
LOCATED IN THE STRIP MALL JUST SOUTH OF THE POST OFFICE
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw
Jeff Dicks
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
12 Years
Licensed
happy." Benjamin Franklin
Financial
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
Consultant
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
Stocks • Mutual Funds • Life Insurance
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
401k Rollovers • IRA’s • Stock Options
not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Annuities • Bonds • CD’s
Professor Irwin Corey
Kovack Securities, Inc
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group
- Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher
620 Dundee Rd. Suite D, Dundee, FL
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the"
863-206-2222
Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well, ya see,
Jeff Dicks is a registered representative of and offers securities through Kovack Securities, Inc. 6451 N. Federal
Highway, Suite 1201 Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33308 Telephone: (954) 782-4771 * Member FINRA/SIPC.
Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest are killed first. The
general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; The human brain can only operate as fast as
" FASTER REFUNDS MORE ACCURATE FILING"
the slowest brain cells. Drinking, as we know, kills
E FILE APPROVED • 3FUND THE CHOICES ARE YOURS
brain cells. But, it attacks the slowest and weakest
BACKED BY 33 YEARS EXPERIENCE
brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
319 Third Street NW Winter Haven, FL
DOWNTOWN IN THE OLD TIME SQUARE BUILDING
brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why
you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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S
ON
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O RANGE P EEL G AZETTE D ISCLAIMER
Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or
individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -“get over
it”. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer
jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I don’t
type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is
your hang up, This publication is neither Republican, Democrat,
Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla
or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity
(self serving Politicos for example, liberals and anyone else agreeing with Obama or,....people who call or write or email me cause I
made a spelling errrorr. If you feel the need to correct me - Don’t, I
don’t care.) Hey, it could all be your fault or George Bush’s.... ask
Obama, he thinks so ... it’s on his teleprompter ...ask him... Enjoy!!!!
Got Gold?
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Mon-Fri
9AM-6PM
Saturday
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GREAT PRICES ON ELECTRONICS, DVDS,
POWER TOOLS, JEWELRY AND MORE
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Stinking Bank Loan
Wanting to borrow some money to make a sixmonth tour of Europe, a man went to the bank where
he had done business for years. The bank refused the
loan. He went to another bank and obtained the loan
without any difficulty. Then he bought a five pound
fish, had it wrapped, and put it in his safe deposit box
at the first bank as he joyfully left for his six-month
vacation.
Basic Training
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan,
and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march
We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the
trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our
packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job.
We've already covered four miles!" Revitalized, we
picked up the pace. "And," he continued, "we should
reach the starting point any minute now."
Cactus Watering
During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert
Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she
was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment
balcony. Another tourist asked her how she kept from
watering it too much, because the cactus would die if
over watered. "I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper,"
replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it
rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."
If we knew what we were doing,
it wouldn't be called research.
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
25
Air Conditioning
A technician working at a small not-for-profit organization reports that they are having problems with the
air conditioning in their small computer room. "It was
routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We
thought the air conditioning for the room should be
plenty for the space, but we had added a number of
additional systems." So the organization brings in a
vendor to see what beefing up the cooling system will
cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -way too pricey for this outfit. "At non-profits, money
is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be
able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the
technician. "However, our board required us to get
three quotes for any expense close to that. So we
brought in a competing vendor." The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks
around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor and tapes it over the thermostat.
"No charge," he says. It turns out that an air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the thermostat. So
as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off. The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the cardboard box with something nicer ... and to buy dinner for the second vendor."
Help someone when they are in trouble, and they
will remember you when they're in trouble again.
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STOPPAGES SPECIALISTS
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767 CYPRESS GARDENS BLVD
WINTER HAVEN
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Polk Furniture Store
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A V A IL A BL E !
Orange Peel Gazette
620 Hwy 542 Suite 3
P.O. Box 1631, Dundee, FL 33838
863-438-8007
Email: opg1@verizon.net
PUBLISHERS, EDITORS, JANITORS
theorangepeelgazette.com
ROBERT AND LINDA ARCHETTO
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
Norman Roy • Delton Hayes
Drew Truitt • Sis Zarko
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS
Chief Contributor: Ernie Finocchio
Ron Yost • Elizabeth Archetto
NO SOCIALISTS ALLOWED
Car Ads, -Translation
Two tone paint -- Original color and rust. One
careful owner -- But the other nine were clumsy as
anything. 10,000 trouble-free miles -- Crashed in the
last 20 feet. Heated rear window -- So you won't get
cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.
Very clean -- Only washed when it rains. Clean interior -- All the rubbish is under the floor mats.
Immobilizer -- The gear shift comes off in your hand.
Anti-theft device -- I can let you have a Rottweiler
cheap. Drives beautifully -- in a straight line; the
steering is all over the place. Low mileage -- The
odometer is on its third time around. Full service history -- Charlie in the garage around the corner
checked it over last week. Economical -- Doesn't use
much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.
Check Your Bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from
the law firm that was handling a big case for his comUNIQUE HIGH QUALITY PRE-OWNED
pany. It included hourly billing for conferences,
FURNITURE AT UNUSUALLY LOW PRICES!! research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everyWE BUY FURNITUREFOR CASH OR WILL TAKE ON thing but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the execuCONSIGNMENT. WE PICK UP TOO!
tive knew that the company would have to pay for
each of these services. Then he noticed one item
INVENTORY CHANGES DAILY
CHECK CRAIGLIST UNDER LAKELAND
buried in the middle of the list: "For crossing the
101 Burns Lane•Winter Haven, FL 33884 street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at
all - $125."
off Dundee Road
863-875-5554
BUSINESS DIRECTORY
Heart
To
Heart
Fabrics & More
That was utterly forgettable..
I’d rather listen to fingernails
on a chalkboard....
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MAYER JEWELERS
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BARBERSHOP
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Mon-Fri 8-5:30 • Sat 8-2
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O SW
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ANTIQUES
Southern Comfort
Antiques
Tue-Sat 10-5 • Sun 11-4
Specializing in
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AREA’S LARGEST ANTIQUE MALL
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Page 27
unior’s
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Breakfast
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-inlaw declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of
choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down
real rough." "Well," she asked, "how long did you
cook it?" "You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
Bus Fare
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What
is the fare to the train station?" "Sixty cents," said the
driver. The man raced alongside the bus until the next
stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?" "Ninety
cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
BEFORE
We Are Paying Top
Dollar for Gold!
You Sell, Check with US!
GREAT PRICES ON GUNS
We Pay in Cash!
•Berretta •Charles Daly
•EAA •Glock •Marlin
•Mossberg • Remington
•Ruger •SIG •S&W
•Taurus •Winchester