The Journal - Muslim Unity Center

The
Since 1993
CommUnity
Journal
“Come and bring your children”
A Publication of The Muslim Unity Center of Bloomfield Hills
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
The CommUnity Journal is published by the
Muslim Unity Center of Bloomfield Hills,
1830 Square Lake Road
Bloomfield Hills, MI 48302
From the Editor’s Desk..........................................................1
IMAM
Patterns of Communication: How’s Your Style Working?..............4
Sheikh Mohamed Almasmari
Racism Conversation . ..........................................................5
Board of Trustees:
Art and Communication........................................................8
Dr. Fahd Al-Saghir, Chairman
Dr. Fadi Demashkieh, Vice Chairman
Dr. Mouhib Ayas
Br. Basim Abdullah
Dr. Hadi Akeel
Dr. Talha Harris
Dr. Riad Dali
Dr. Muhammad Kashlan
Dr. Mahmoud Al-Hadidi
Dr. Mahmoud El-Gamal
President’s Corner................................................................2
Imam’s Corner......................................................................3
Health Corner: Weight Loss/Stress Loss .............................10
Books are Power ................................................................11
Communication with Muslim Youth ....................................12
Hidden Talents: Besher Kashlan..........................................16
Book Review.......................................................................18
Dr. Rouzana Hares, President
Dr. Abdullah Bokhari, Vice President
Patrick Cates, Treasurer
Safa al-Kassab, Secretary
Br. Ameer al-Hadidi
Sr. Loubna al-Khayat
Dr. Syed Athar
Dr. Ammar Sukari
Dr. Tallal Zeni
Editorial Board:
Dr. Tallal Zeni
Nuha Alfahham
Abdullah Bukhari
Managing Editor: Sarah Alfaham
Cover Image Created by Jessica Gallon of
8pints Design lightningrahz@gmail.com
The CommUnity Journal aims to inform the
community of opportunities to participate in
events with our congregation, with our extended
family of Muslim Centers in SE Michigan, and
with our Muslim and Non-Muslim neighbors
through interfaith dialogue. Articles appearing
in this publication are part of a dialogue that
is taking place in the world and in the Muslim
community. Publication does not mean
endorsement: each article presents the view of
its author(s) only. When articles are submitted
for the publication, they may be edited for the
content, language or length.
FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK
By Dr. Tallal Zeni
The theme of this journal is how to deal and communicate
in difficult situations. It goes without saying that this is a crucial
skill that Muslims need to have in this day and age. we should
remember that ridicule is one of the well-known tactics used
by others. God states: Messengers (of Allah) have been derided
before thee, but that whereat they scoffed surrounded such of
them as did deride. This is repeated twice in the Quran, both in
(6:10) and repeated in (21:41).
On the other hand, Muslims are not permitted to engage in
such behaviour. O ye who believe! Let not some men among you
laugh at others. (49:11)
Revile not those unto whom they pray beside Allah lest they
wrongfully revile Allah through ignorance. Thus unto every nation
have We made their deed seem fair. Then unto their Lord is their
return, and He will tell them what they used to do.(6:108)
Thus, it is self-evident that if ridicule and cursing are
prohibited, any unjust acts greater than words are prohibited.
Instead, Muslims need to respond and act in such a manner
that reinstates the high moral ground of Islam and shows the
goodness of Islam.
God, the Exalted, said in the Qur’an: Ye will hear much
wrong from those who were given the Scripture before you, and
from the idolaters. But if ye persevere and ward off (evil), then that
is of the steadfast heart of things. (3:186)
In the end, recall that God said to the disbelievers in
regards to their treatment of the believers: “But ye treated them
with ridicule, so much so that (ridicule of) them made you forget
My Message while ye were laughing at them! I have rewarded
them this Day for their patience and constancy: they are indeed
the ones that have achieved bliss.”
“Come and bring your children”
Board of Directors:
1
PRESIDENT’S CORNER
Dr. Rouzana Hares
It is a great privilege for me to serve and represent
our community for the current term as the Chairman of
the Board. Alhamdulillah we have a unique community
that displays itself as a mosaic- representing a variety of
ethnic groups, all colors, all different backgrounds.
We are blessed to have a great Imam who blends
well with everyone, especially our younger generations.
We have weekly activities that bring us all together to
reflect and support each other, with that being said, we
are not a perfect community. We have a long way to go to
achieve the goal of passion and integration. Allah (swt)
said “O you mankind, surely we created you of a male and
female, and We have made you races and tribes that you
may get mutually acquainted.”
I urge each and everyone one of our community
members to step forward and give something to elevate
the status of our center. Be it time, volunteering, money
contributions, membership enhancement, and or civic
engagement around us so we can attain a higher degree
of fulfillment and success in this life and the hereafter
inshallah. And Allah (swt) said “Work; so Allah will see
your work and (so will) His apostle and the believers.”
Jazakum Allah Khair
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IMAM’S CORNER: Following the Life of the Messenger of God
By Imam Mohammed al-Masmari
May God grant His blessings and peace upon His
Messenger. In the midst of these events and tribulations,
which are occurring in the world without pause, as well
as calamities which do nothing but increase, a person
may find himself confused and helpless not knowing the
means to deal with them well. One of these events, which
have caused much disturbance in the world, is what was
brought about after cartoons of the Prophet led to acts of
terrorism in France. For this reason, I decided to discuss
freedom of speech and how the Prophet dealt with those
who harmed him.
God taught His Prophet in the Quran the manner in
which to deal with these situations and the means by which
to respond to them when He said: Keep to forgiveness (O
Muhammad), and enjoin kindness, and turn away from the
ignorant. (7:199) And bear with patience what they utter,
and part from them with a fair leave-taking. (73:10) But be
patient (O Muhammad) with a patience fair to see. (70:5)
This is in addition to many other verses in the Quran.
In one instance when the Messenger was harmed
greatly it was said to him, ‘supplicate against them.’ The
Prophet said, “I have not been sent to curse people but
instead I have been sent as a mercy.” In another instance
the tribe of Thaqif harmed him and so the Companions
said, ‘O Messenger of God will you not supplicate against
them?’ The Prophet raised his hands up and said, “O God
guide Thaqif and bring them [into the fold of Islam].” So
the tribe of Thaqif all became Muslim and all praise is due
to God.
There are many examples in the prophetic biography
of him being harmed and how he dealt with it despite the
fact they were very painful and he was greatly effected
by them. But God taught the Prophet to: turn away from
the ignorant. (7:199) God also said: So let not their speech
grieve thee (O Muhammad). Lo! We know what they
conceal and what proclaim. (36:76)
The question now becomes how do we deal with it
and what is the Quranic guidance in this regard?
First: The Quran permitted freedom of speech as long
as it does not lead to sedition or killing. For this reason
God mentioned what people have said blasphemously
about Him, glory be to Him: Say (O Muhammad): If the
Beneficent One hath a son, then, I shall be first among the
worshippers. (But there is no son). (43:81) There many
other verses in the Quran where God mentioned their
blasphemous statements, but He did not immediately
punish them. Instead, He refuted and responded to them.
Finally, sometimes He damned them. The point though
is that God mentioned what they said in the Quran
even though they were blasphemous statements. Islam
permitted freedom of speech and freedom of expression
as long as it does not lead to harm to others or sedition
that would result amongst people. A person’s freedom is
only limited if it infringes on the rights of others.
there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom
friend. (41:34) Therefore, A Muslim should confront evil
with righteousness. It is for this reason that the Messenger
said, “God inspired me to establish the ties of kinship with
those who cut it off, to give to those who have denied me,
and to forgive those who have oppressed me.”
Also remember the man who took away the sword of
the Messenger, placed it against his neck, and said to him:
who will prevent me from [killing you] O Muhammad?’ The
Messenger said, “God.” The man then fell backwards. The
Messenger then took the sword and said, “what prevents
me from you now?” The man said, ‘O Muhammad please
forgive me.’ So the Messenger forgave him. The man went
back to his people and said, ‘I have come to you from
the best of people.’ Therefore, if you deal well with those
people who have harmed you, it has a great effect on their
hearts.
Third: We should know that Islam has permitted many
methods of responding. The Messenger said: “whoever
amongst you witnesses an evil should change it using his
hands, if he cannot then by his speech, and if he cannot
then [he should hate it or intend to change it] in his heart
and this is the weakest level of faith.
In the end, it is not permissible, no matter how bad
the sayings are against our Prophet, to use violence or
to resort to it in any situation. The Prophet prohibited
us from that. All of us should know that Islam does not
involve words alone, but encompasses both words and
actions. Our responses, therefore, include our actions
and our characters, whether it be in our colleges, offices,
businesses, hospitals, or any other workplace. These good
manners are the best way to defend the Prophet.
God said: And thou (standest) on an exalted standard
of character.(68:4)
May God reward you all.
Second: One should always remember the Quranic
principle outlined in the verse: Repel the evil deed with
one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and thee
3
Patterns of Communication:
How’s your style working for you?
By Cheryl El-Amin, PhD., LMSW
With the Name Allah, Most Gracious, Most
Compassionate
Communication is one of the most important aspects
of human relations. Speaking directly about personal
feelings, active listening, attentiveness, and a willingness
to seek understanding are vital to effectively conveying
ideas and thoughts to one another. As a clinical social
worker I’ve seen that most conflicts are the result of a
break down in one or all of these aspects of interaction.
Patterns of communication generally fall into one
of three communication styles: passive, assertive, and
aggressive. These patterns of communication are on a
continuum and people generally have a default pattern
within which they are most comfortable communicating.
We are all capable of expressing ourselves in either style.
The passive style is the path of least resistance, the
person may be quiet, soft spoken and be slow to respond
or express their feelings. There is a tendency for others
to speak for or over those who fall into this category. On
the opposite end of the spectrum is the aggressive style,
which can be overbearing, loud, and seemingly oblivious
to anyone else’s views, feelings, or concerns. There is a
time and place for each of these ways of speaking. When
stopped by a police officer, a more passive response may
avert the ticket, while an aggressive manner may lead
to detainment or arrest. When opposing a violation of
human rights, one must sometimes aggressively make
their position heard. But it’s always wise to think before
you speak.
The Prophet (SAW) was known for the balanced
response. He was assertive, neither overbearing, nor
overly submissive; a position we should seek to emulate.
We have to teach ourselves and our children to identify
what we are feeling and have a willingness to tell others
how we feel. We also have to be willing to listen and
allow others’ to have their say. (Note: listening does
not necessarily mean you agree.)Think of the story of
the Prophet (SAW) carrying the woman’s bags, all the
time hearing her unknowingly berate His teachings and
character. In the end, it is said that she was so moved
by his tolerance and demeanor that she accepted Islam.
Positive communication requires a disposition to listen,
understand, and express a balanced, well thought
out reaction to what is being said. Assertiveness is
something that has to be consciously practiced.
In a family, the more aggressive members vie for
and often get the attention. They get what they want,
the way they want it; sometimes at the expense of other
less vocal members. It may be the screaming parent,
an older, bigger sibling, or the whining toddler who
seems to get their way all the time. The passive ones;
whose feelings are minimized or overlooked, may seem
silently accepting. They appear to “go along, just to get
4
along” keeping peace for the time being. But the passive
person’s tolerance is limited and they can do this for
only so long. As needs go unmet, feelings unexpressed,
resentment, and anger can build, leading to a blow
up that no one, even the individual sees coming. The
passive may suddenly become the aggressor, resulting in
depression (anger turned inward), misplaced aggression
(anger directed toward the innocent), and further
misunderstanding and conflict among family members.
The more assertive members can intervene,
allowing and encouraging a more balanced family
interaction. The aggressive members must be tempered
setting limits on what’s acceptable (tailored to age
and ability). Additionally, a space and time must be
created that makes it safe for the passive to identify their
emotions, find their voice, and validate the expression
of their feelings. Remember that the goal of effective
communication is mutual expression and accurate
understanding of thoughts and ideas.
Old patterns of communication that seemed to
work in the past may hinder positive communication
in current interactions with siblings, parents, spouses,
children, co-workers, friends, classmates, etc. A proactive
discussion about communication styles in premarital and
marital advisement sessions is one way to avoid/address
relationship problems. The passive approach doesn’t
work here either; suffering in silence, doing nothing won’t
solve the problem or make it go away. Professional help
is available and encouraged.
An assertive approach would be to seek assistance
when a family or individual is having ongoing difficulty
in relationships. Get help to identify the problem, to
find, adopt, or be sensitive to others’ communication
styles as a means of establishing a more effective way
of interacting. There are licensed clinical social workers,
psychologists, and marriage and family therapists within
the Muslim Community that provide confidential private
individual, family, or counseling. Many accept medical
insurances or have fees based on ability to pay. Positive
communication builds understanding and trust within the
family and the community.
Dr. Cheryl is a licensed clinical social worker. She has
been married over 35 years to Imam Abdullah El-Amin and
has three adult children. She served Detroit Public Schools
as a school social worker for 20 years. Currently, Dr. Cheryl
serves the community in providing consultation for, mental
health counseling, premarital advisement, and as a speaker
regarding premarital advisement, mental health, diversity
and positive relations. She is one of the founders and is the
current President of the League of Muslim Women. She may
be contacted at celaminconsult@gmail.com
Unrest in Ferguson Prompts
a Conversation on Race
By CAIR-MI Executive Director Dawud Walid
I recently attended a meeting with civic and
government leaders, which was sponsored by the
Michigan Roundtable for Diversity and Inclusion, that
discussed the unrest that has taken place in Ferguson,
Missouri after a grand jury decided not to indict a white
police officer named Darren Wilson for fatally shooting
an unarmed black teen named Michael Brown and how
institutional racism continues to negatively affect our
nation.
One thing was clear from the discussion is that
race is still the most touchy subject in America. Despite
progress, there are stark differences of how blacks and
non-blacks view race. In many ways, we occupy two
different spaces within the same national borders as
we have always have since the founding of this republic
that nearly ethnically cleansed Native Americans and
enslaved Africans.
In the Roundtable meeting, black community
leaders resoundingly stated that they knew that Wilson
would not be indicted prior to the announcement, even
citing the fact that the make-up of the grand jury did not
properly reflect the population of Ferguson. In other
words, blacks tend to believe, through oral history and
sets of lived experiences, that the criminal justice system
fails them, while non-blacks, especially whites, operate
under the assumption that the system is more just.
It’s important to know that racism is not simply
something which is actively expressed on a daily basis.
Racism is power plus privilege. It informs our minds
as to how people implicitly categorize others based
upon negative generalizations, which then affects their
behaviors. This is referred to as implicit racism.
Given how low the standard is to indict someone to
go to a criminal trial are, hence the phrase in the legal
community that you can “indict a ham sandwich,” the
decision not to indict Wilson to sort out the conflicting
testimonies in a public trial was highly dubious. However,
the non-indictment of Wilson is not about simply the
unrest in Ferguson. America is Ferguson.
We must acknowledge that we indeed still have two
different Americas, and that the disproportions in mass
incarceration, police brutality, infant mortality rates,
educational, housing, and workplace discrimination rates
are all interconnected to racism. This racism passively
benefits those who enjoy white privilege, even if they
are poor, and harms those who are the antithesis of it,
which have historically been black Americans and Native
Americans, even if they are not poor.
I’m not holding my breath waiting for the
Department of Justice (DOJ) to charge Wilson with
violating Brown’s civil rights. The DOJ hasn’t even
announced its investigation results regarding George
Zimmerman fatally shooting Trayvon Martin, another
unarmed teenager. I am hopeful, however, that this
moment of tension can get us to start honestly discussing
the history of racism in America, and how it affects
Americans’ lives today.
In particular, I’m praying that we as a Muslim
community, in particular, can be courageous enough
to have such frank conversations among ourselves
regarding racial stereotypes and privilege based upon
skin color.
That’s why black men appear to be more threatening
in the eyes of many law enforcement agents. Wilson’s
statement to the grand jury, that Brown “looked like a
demon,” is a visceral expression that Brown was viewed
to be other than human. In fact, Brown epitomized evil to
his killer.
We’d be foolish to think that Wilson’s referring to
Brown as a demon didn’t influence jurors who most likely
hold similar views of black men, especially since pop
culture has conditioned our society, since the days of
slavery, to view black men as such.
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GETTING INVOLVED IN COLLEGE (continued)
248.247.5000
a better potential student. When you first get
to college, it is best to not think too hard. You
will be exposed to many groups right from the
beginning. Without spreading yourself too thin,
learn about groups and picture which ones you
could see yourself working with for a long time
and go for it.
One final note: being in college does not
give you an excuse to forget about your parents
or the people who raised you! We will always be
indebted to them and if you spend time away
from them, make it an opportunity to be thankful
for facilitating the opportunities you have!
*Nader Hakim was the President of the
University of Michigan’s Muslim Students’
Association in 2010-2011.
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A
rt was always a way to communicate with people
and change societies. Drawing and sculpture are
among the oldest arts of mankind, having been
used for fertility and hunting. Drawings, paintings, photos,
and sculptures are a moment captured forever in picture
and form. Usually visual art stops a situation so that our
consciousness may have time to examine and appreciate
that moment as expressed by the artist.
Art &
Communication
By: Nada Odeh
For those who know how to read, I
have painted my autobiography.
Color, form, texture, expression, these are the ways
that art speaks to us. Before photography these arts were
the main way to describe and convey visual experience
to future generations. We are able to read the history from
sculpture and portraits. Art also tells many things about
artist’s experiences, values, and feelings. . Art can inspire
us toward ideals and warn us of social problems. If you
can see and understand art and the message beyond it
will be better than reading a book. It is a reflection of
a society and a power to change people. Listed are a
couple of transformational artists and their bios that have
used art to communicate a message to the world:
Philadelphia, where they trained the Philly Painting crew
to cover a worn-out commercial corridor in massive
colour blocks. They’ve returned to Rio in 2014 for a new
project in the Vila Cruzeiro Favela.
El Seed, the Tunisian artist popularizes ‘calligraffiti’.
Born Faouzi Khleefi to Tunisian parents in Paris, the artist
eL Seed marries Arabic calligraphy with graffiti and gives
it a modern, colorful twist. He Started to do large-scale
paintings with Arabic calligraphy on the walls of different
cities. With beautiful vivid colors, el Seed attracted the
attention of the people around to the magic and the
beauty of the Arabic calligraphy taking up “calligraffiti”
full-time just a few years ago, the iconoclastic artist
has already left his indelible mark on edifices all over
the world. In Gabes, Tunisia he painted an imposing
minaret in 2012.From there to Montreal, Paris, New York,
Dubai and Doha. EL Seed has spread his far-reaching
creative wings. An internationally famous artist and
sculptor, uses Arabic-style “calligraffiti” to promote
cross-cultural tolerance. We set aside museums for these
collected treasures of our society so that everyone can
appreciate them, and this was the exact message of el
Seed. He changed the way people think about the Arabic
calligraphy, it is not anymore those dark coloured letters
in the books or not the classic way we see them.
Artists Jeroen Koolhaas and Dre Urban, Known
as “favela painters”, a proven example on how art
communicates with people and change societies. Haas
& Hahn have been working on community projects in
Rio for almost 10 years. They created community art
by painting entire neighborhoods and involving those
who live there — from the favelas of Rio to the streets
8
of North Philadelphia. What’s made their projects
succeed? Splashing colour onto urban walls — and
train young painters in the process, making the people
get involved in adding color to their neighborhoods.
Beginning in 2010, with the Dutch artists in collaboration
with the local group “Tudo de cor para você”, the
painting was accomplished by 25 young people from the
neighborhood, and reframed the square as a place of
shared pride. The locals have since continued the project,
with monthly painting task forces and other activities
that have involved 800 people and transformed the
aesthetic and the social psychology of the whole favela.
They’ve also worked in Haiti, Curaçao, and in 2011, they
moved north into a tough neighborhood in northern
In Conclusion:
As a visual artist myself, I believe that if we as
artists do not give themselves the chance to change
communities, then we are preventing ourselves from
being part of the society. I think, when you look at visual
art, one of the things that it can do is to open up part
of our experiences that we don’t think about because
sometimes spoken and written language can restrict us.
We become too conscious of things. Whereas, at least in
my experience—if I was to tell you about my paintings—
is painting allows you to go below the surface and
explore the meaning, the symbols, and the experiences
that we often don’t think about.
A successful painting will make all those symbols
clear to people who look at them. You don’t have to spend
two hours reading a book. You just walk into a room and
there you have your story.
Nada Odeh is a Syrian visual artist and art educator.
She graduated from Fine Arts School University of
Damascus 1997. She worked as an art teacher, teaching art
and designing programs to work with children that have
learning difficulties and those who have special needs.
Her work is mainly influenced from her life
experiences in the Middle East. She typically creates
paintings using acrylics on canvas. She is always searching
for different mediums to explore and new art to create. The
paintings she makes tell stories about the Syrian people, the
refugees, their hopes and dreams, and identities as peaceful
people living in harmony. Her paintings are reflections of
her culture and country. She currently lives in Detroit.
Above and left: Artists Jeroen
Koolhaas and Dre Urban, known
as “favela painters”, explore the
ways in which art communicates
with people and change societies.
Haas & Hahn have been working
on community projects in Rio for
almost 10 years.
Below: El Seed, The Tunisian artist
popularizes ‘calligraffiti’. Born
Faouzi Khleefi to Tunisian parents
in Paris, the artist Al Seed marries
Arabic calligraphy with graffiti and
gives it a modern, colorful twist.
9
insane workout.
However, it was the good kind of insanity. I
got hooked on it and became more committed and
obsessed than my kids. That’s when I knew I found the
right and healthy way of losing weight. I also noticed
the method I was handling challenges, struggles,
and stressful issues have changed a lot in a good
way. I became more hopeful, positive, and of course
confident.
My accomplishment with my weight loss and
athletic ability improvement proved to me that
nothing is impossible. As we know stress causes sleep
disorders - its another thing I struggled with in the
past. Exercising literally fixed that for me. I did not
need to take medicine, or do any sleep therapy. All I
needed is a fun workout to do. Additionally, exercising
makes you look younger, increases skin health, helps
you focus and provides energy when you’re feeling
low.
When you find that exercising relieves your stress,
you are able to better handle your every day stress
in a more positive way. Your interactions the way you
10
th
al r
He rne
My story is one that I struggled with losing
weight for a long time. I lost a good amount of weight
but not in a healthy way. I lost weight due to extreme
stress. I was tired, sad, and in pain all the time. Family
members and friends around me started to worry
more and more every day. Even though I was losing
weight, I did not look healthy or happy at all.
One day, my daughter brought home Insanity
workout DVDs. At that time I thought she was insane
for wanting to do that kind of workout. Since no other
workouts were working for me, I thought it wouldn’t
hurt to try it. Little by little I started to like it. Within
the first week I started to see the differences in my
body - not just in losing weight, but also shaping up,
strengthening my body and most importantly boosting
my metabolism crazily. True to its name, it was an
Co
WEIGHT LOSS, STRESS LOSS
deal with your close family members and friends will
drastically improve.
As obvious as the benefits are, many people still
don’t take the time out to exercise. Therefore, here are
some practical tips to building the habit and staying
committed.
1. Make it one of your top priorities of your every
day ‘To Do’ List.
2. Make working out the same time every day
3. Start out with a short time frame and increase
from there as you improve. Depending on your ability,
start with 10 or 20 minutes every day until you improve
and increase your time.
4. Find the right work out for your personality and
your lifestyle
a. Not every work out is for everyone. It doesn’t
have to be a high intensity work out, it can be
something as simple as walking every day or yoga.
5. Exercising should not be the last thing every
day, towards the beginning of the day is better
6. Don’t wait until you have time – make the time
for it. It’s part of taking care of your health.
7. To stay motivated, pick a work out partner
–someone that you get along with. My doctors
recommend that working out with a partner has the
same effect of medicine – of course without the side
effects.
8. Don’t think of working out as a task – It’s a fun
way to improve your body and to stay healthy. Think
about the feeling of accomplishment after the work
out.
Eman AbuYasein is the mother of four and
grandmother of two. She is a Beach Body Coach and
certified in teaching Insanity, Turbo Kick, and PiYo.
5 reasons YOU should write a BOOK
By Zarinah El-Amin Naeem
Last month I was invited to the United Arab
Emirates to present at the Sharjah International Book
Fair. Alhamdullilah, with almost 1.5 million visitors
and thousands of booths, the fair is massive. There,
I met authors, publishers, editors and readers from
around the globe, all present for one reason: to
promote the love of publishing and reading.
As an author and publisher I was moved beyond
measure. Being in the space of so many people
working to preserve and share their “truths” was
inspiring. But are books really that important? Why
would a government spend millions of dollars
to encourage citizens to read? It’s as simple as a
Facebook meme that came across my screen: “Those
who tell the stories rule the world.” Or as an African
proverb states, “Until the lion tells his side of the story,
the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.”
“Those who tell the
stories rule the world.”
Books hold power. The production of knowledge
and entertainment is a way to shape the perceptions,
ideas, cultural norms, and desires of a people. The
messages we repeatedly read, see, and experience
push us to think, act, and behave in particular ways.
Now I don’t want to get to deep into psychology, but
my point is that WE Muslims must begin to put out the
types of messages WE want to see.
We are good people. God fearing people.
People who care about our neighbors. People who
care about the hungry, the sick, the oppressed. Those
are the types of values we want our children to be
subliminally exposed to. Thus, WE must produce in
DROVES.
And BOOKS of all the mediums, since the
beginning of time, have proven to be one of the most
powerful tools at hand. We need authors of both
fiction and non-fiction; scholarly and secular works.
And not only books targeted to the Muslim community
alone. Our Muslim flavored knowledge and talents
are useful and beneficial for the public at large.
Are you an engineer who developed a unique
mechanical system? Write about it! Are you a stayat-home mom who learned some techniques to raise
your children well AND preserve your sanity? First
call and share the details with me (smile), THEN write
about it! Are you someone who can tell an on-theedge-of-your-seat story filled with tension, reality and
depth? Then write it!
As Muslims, we know the importance of
protecting and transmitting knowledge, both orally
and in book format. Our own Quran was not left to
survive on the tongues and hearts of Muslims alone,
but was preserved through compilation and binding.
So writing is that important. But, if you are still on
the fence, here are 5 additional reasons to jump into
authorhood:
1) To increase your credibility and visibility. By
writing a book, you create a “name” in a given area
and have the potential to reach a global audience. You
gain authority in your field.
2) To compile your expertise in an easily
sharable format. Do you receive the same questions
over and over again? Writing a book on the
subject can save you many conversations and email
keystrokes.
3) To leave a legacy. Have you ever been curious
about your great-great-grandfather? Wouldn’t it be
lovely to have a book he wrote about his life? Well,
YOU are here now. How better to share your life with
your future generations than to write a book.
4) To launch a new career. Authoring a book
can allow you to move into areas such as speaking,
training, consulting, and presenting.
5) To help someone. Books, whether non-fiction
or fiction are in the helping business. You read
either to learn something, gain inspiration, or to be
entertained. So as an author, you never know how
your book could affect someone. Writing about your
life lets you share ideas and lessons. Your knowledge
and wisdom can help others grow along with you.
By now I hope you know some of the benefits of
publishing a book. If you have a book on your heart,
don’t take it lightly. Allah gave you that message
and feeling for a reason. PRODUCE and share your
information with the world this year. Who knows,
maybe YOUR book will be on display at the next major
book fair. May Allah help us all to be of benefit to
humanity.
Zarinah El-Amin Naeem, The Self-Publishing
Strategist is a Michigan based indie publisher and book
consultant for authors. She is the author of Jihad of the Soul:
Singlehood and the Search for Love in Muslim America;
Like Glue: The Little Book of Marriage Advice; and
publisher of the Beautifully Wrapped Interfaith Calendars.
Visit her online at www.enlivenyoursoul.com or email her at
zarinah@niyah.net with your publishing questions.
11
Communicating with Muslim
Youth 101: The Basics
By Abdullah Bokhari
Language, culture, age, ethnicity, religion, Imams, nationality (etc.) are just few of the
factors that have been identified as reasons of
lack of effective communication between parents and their children or between the youth and
their community. This communication gap is
why many Muslim youth are becoming increasingly disconnected from Islam – love for the
faith, respect for teachers, elders, moral virtue,
and high ethical values – and are following a
path radically different from that of their parents
or their previous ancestors.
The Qur’an teaches us that Allah (SWT)
created human beings differently (color, language,
nationalities, tribes) for a reason and when Allah
(SWT) sent a prophet to a particular nation, he
would send them one from amongst themselves,
who could walk the walk and talk the talk…same
style, same dress, and same language in which they
were accustomed to so that they could actually
understand the message and faith. We realize how
important it is to speak and communicate to the
youth in a language they can clearly understand and
appreciate.
So where does the burden and responsibility
of communication with Muslim youth lie? It is within
each and every one of us - the Imam, youth leaders,
Masjid administration, activists, the community, the
parents and the youth themselves.
Here are few basic principles, advice, and
suggestions that may help us become more effective
in communicating with the Muslim youth…
• Realize not all young people are the same
or need the same information. Age, sex, culture,
ethnicity, life experiences, and other characteristics
affect the way adults will communicate with youth.
• The Qur’an and Sunnah provide guidance
and encourage adults to talk and communicate with
the youth in an intelligent way and wise way…
• Allah tells us in Surah Nahl 16:125, “Invite
to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good
instruction.” If you want to work with a teenager,
12
realize that different circumstances surround that
teenager’s issues. He/she may be neglected by
their parents; they may be hanging around with bad
friends, or may simply be looking for the right path
but have not found it yet. Every situation is unique to
the individual and must be treated differently for the
most part.
• Recognize that there are different types
of youth (i.e. religious, non-religious, mixed
religious, religious with problems…etc) and how
we communicate with them will make a huge
difference!
• Be Their Friend not Foe
• Be their Brother or Sister, not a Shaykh or Shaykha
• Organize relevant activities – Why would we
hold halaqahs and talks about the Ottoman Empire
or a specific sahabah that they never heard of when
they are struggling and dealing with other pertinent
issues, like pre-marital relationships, drugs, sex and
pornography…?
• Stay Simple and on point
• Do not make things complicated. Say what
you mean and mean what you say. Be direct and
straightforward and to the point. Being vague many
times is a cause of miscommunication.
• Listen! The most effective form of
communication is listening! Just listen and see what
people have to say. Many times by listening, you
can be more effective than you may have been by
continuously interrupting, talking over and giving
your own opinions.
• Stay Real
• It’s important that we as adults display
a realistic picture of life and Islam according to
the Sunnah (by the way, this will not apply if we
ourselves are not practicing Islam correctly…).
Problems do not magically disappear. Not everyone
will understand or accept their decisions and
standards.
• It is important that youth understand how the
Qur’an and Sunnah relates to their everyday life and
all the issues that it may bring. Prophet Muhammad
(S) didn’t talk about faith essentials in distant,
hypothetical ways. He was very applicable and able
to connect Islam to story or everyday life.
• Be Up-To-Date – Another thing which is
important for communication with the youth is to
be up-to-date with the latest sports, fashion, news,
movies, video games, celebrities, and music etc.
which are popular amongst youth. If you try to relate
to them through these forms of tools, then you may
find yourself being very effective when dealing with
the youth. If you’re not up to date with pop-culture
and live in a cave, then it is time to enter the real
world. That does not mean you do something that
is prohibited or disliked in Islam, it just means that
you should be aware of what youth are talking about
around you.
• Use Culture to Communicate – don’t fight
cultural influences. Instead, teach youth to think
critically and in accordance with the teachings of
the Qur’an and Sunnah. Use movies, music, news,
videos, TV and other means of media to spark
conversations with teenagers about Islam.
• Look at the Parables in your Life – your life
is telling a story and a great real life example and
a great way to communicate with youth. The best
Ask Allah (SWT) to make you an effective
time to recognize the “parables” in your life is when communicator –
you’re preparing to teach youth. Propose questions
and examples and challenge the youth to think
[Moses] said, “My Lord, expand for me my
outside of the box and think of their life and how
breast [with assurance]
Allah (SWT) helped them or guided them when they
were in a tough situation. It may help to put yourself
in their shoes or ask them to put themselves in your
]Moses] said, "My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance[
]Moses] said, "My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance[
shoes…these can be great moments of revelation
to
And ease for me my task
]Moses] said, "My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance[
]Moses] said, "My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance[
your students when you bridge your story to Islam.
• Use your Life Experiences – never
underestimate the power of life experiences
through life, masjids, communities, trips, youth
activities, school, travels etc. These types of
examples force students in to real life situations.
These moments make way for teachable moments
where youth and their Iman (faith) meet reality.
And ease for me my task
And ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
And ease for me my task
And ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
And untie the knot from my tongue
And untie the knot from my tongue
And untie the knot from my tongue
That they may understand my speech.
That they may understand my speech.
That they may understand my speech.
• Have Realistic Expectations - The whole
That they may understand my speech.
That they may understand my speech.
point here that we cannot expect results in a day;
• Musa (A) knew that he had issues with
persistent
Musa (A) knew that he had issues with communication, so he asked Allah (SWT) Musa (A) knew that he had issues with communication, so he asked Allah (SWT) 
rather, we need to be patient and
in
the
communication,
so he asked Allah (SWT) to help
Musa (A) knew that he had issues with communication, so he asked Allah (SWT)  Musa (A) knew that he had issues with communication, so he asked Allah (SWT) 
to help him to be able speak clearly and effectively to Pharoah and not only that, to help him to be able speak clearly and effectively to Pharoah and not only that, youth work we are involved in. You cannot ask 18
him to be able speak clearly and effectively to
to help him to be able speak clearly and effectively to Pharoah and not only that, to help him to be able speak clearly and effectively to Pharoah and not only that, but he was wise enough to ask Allah swt to make his brother Haroon a prophet year-old Muslim youth to stop listening
to Snoop
Pharoah and not only that, but he was wise enough
but he was wise enough to ask Allah swt to make his brother Haroon a prophet but he was wise enough to ask Allah swt to make his brother Haroon a prophet but he was wise enough to ask Allah swt to make his brother Haroon a prophet with him, because he knew that Haroon (A) had better communication skills than
Doggy Dog or stop wearing tight jeans
if
he/she
is
to ask Allah swt to make his brother Haroon a
with him, because he knew that Haroon (A) had better communication skills than with him, because he knew that Haroon (A) had better communication skills than with him, because he knew that Haroon (A) had better communication skills than not praying salah.
prophet with him, because he knew that Haroon (A)
him. him. him. him. had better communication skills than him.
 There are many benefits to be derived from this incident of Musa (A). There are many benefits to be derived from this incident of Musa (A). • A Picture is worth 1000 words – When
Aisha
• There are many benefits to be derived from

 There are many benefits to be derived from this incident of Musa (A). There are many benefits to be derived from this incident of Musa (A). 
(R) was asked about the Prophet’s character
and
this
incident
of Musa (A). One is to recognize your
One is to recognize your strengths and weaknesses and ask Allah (SWT) One is to recognize your strengths and weaknesses and ask Allah (SWT) One is to recognize your strengths and weaknesses and ask Allah (SWT) One is to recognize your strengths and weaknesses and ask Allah (SWT) description, she described him as a walking
and
strengths and weaknesses and ask Allah (SWT) to
to enhance your skills. It is Allah (SWT) alone that can help us truly to enhance your skills. It is Allah (SWT) alone that can help us truly to enhance your skills. It is Allah (SWT) alone that can help us truly talking Qur’an. Our youth have very sharpto enhance your skills. It is Allah (SWT) alone that can help us truly eyes.
enhance your skills. It is Allah (SWT) alone that can
achieve that which we need. Secondly, recognize that there may be other achieve that which we need. Secondly, recognize that there may be other They are very observant. How YOU act andachieve that which we need. Secondly, recognize that there may be other what
help us truly achieve that which we need. Secondly,
achieve that which we need. Secondly, recognize that there may be other people around you or in your community who may be able to better people around you or in your community who may be able to better YOU do day to day indirect ways of communication.
recognize that there may be other people around
people around you or in your community who may be able to better people around you or in your community who may be able to better communicate with the youth or your children. communicate with the youth or your children. Our Youth are continuously watching us. We
are
you or in your community who may be able to better
communicate with the youth or your children. communicate with the youth or your children. constantly being observed everywhere 
we The people of knowledge of the past would always ask Allah (SWT) to go, not
communicate with the youth or your children.
 youth,
The people of knowledge of the past would always ask Allah (SWT) to only by Allah (SWT), but as well as by the
• The people of knowledge of the past would
 The people of knowledge of the past would always ask Allah (SWT) to The people of knowledge of the past would always ask Allah (SWT) to 
make them effective communicators and allow the people to benefit make them effective communicators and allow the people to benefit community members, non-Muslims etc…wherever
always ask Allah (SWT) to make them effective
make them effective communicators and allow the people to benefit make them effective communicators and allow the people to benefit from their speech.
from their speech.
communicators and allow the people to benefit from
we go…so it is very important for us to depict
that
from their speech.
from their speech.
picture we are trying to convey.
their speech.
13
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Besher Kashlan
Tell us a bit about yourself (where are you from,
what education did have you received or are trying to
pursue?)
My name is Besher Kashlan and I am a Syrian
American living in Bloomfield Hills Michigan. I am an
International Academy alumnus and currently a premed
sophomore at the University of Michigan - Dearborn
working on a major in Biology and a minor in Psychology.
My dream is to enter the medical field somewhere along
the lines of orthopedic surgery.
Why did you chose your profession? What made you
choose it?
Well ever since I was a kid, I was always surrounded
by medicine (as both parents are doctors). I eventually
developed a passion for the human body. I specifically
desire orthopedic surgery because in the past I’ve been
injured multiple times and thus I’ve sort of developed a
personal connection with the field.
Tell us more about your other talents (Spoken Word)
and hobbies (writing, debate, skiing, etc and/or any
other talents)
Aside from school and sports, I try to expand my
skills and abilities. During High School, I ventured to
find some new hobbies and passions. I experimented
with painting, sketching, sculpting, and many others.
Never really saw myself spending time and effort on
them. It seemed like I was more two dimensional person
(athletics and academics) than I thought. That is, until I
got into Spoken Word and Photography. I instantly fell in
love with the way the words flow and the way the colors
present themselves. More recently, photography has
been my primary ‘talent’, as I haven’t had much time to
write any poems.
What motivates you to use your talents
What motivates me? It started as a way to win
medals and trophies through the MIST competitions
but it soon became an expression of my ideas and
experiences. It’s essentially an outlet for me. One
important expression was the art of photography.
Walking around a beautiful area, alone, can really open
an individual’s eyes and develop a newfound perspective
and appreciation for things. It’s soothing.
How do you put your skills in use? Can you give
examples? (You may mention your involvement in
school, community centers, helping with flyers, writing,
involvement in competitions in addition to other things
you would like us to know about)
It has been some time since I have written a
literature piece, however most of my work is religious
or cultural. I enjoy telling stories through my poetry.
The example that is given is a piece intended to
portray somewhat of what an individual would see at
16
n
de t
id n
H le
Ta
Hidden Talents Interview:
a refugee camp and to slightly increase awareness
about the issue at hand. I just really needed to get my
frustrations out, and decided to do it in a verbal manner.
My photography is mainly used as a stress relief for me.
I occasionally take trips to places with nothing but my
camera in order to appreciate natural/manmade beauty
more. The two photos chosen are both pictures that were
taken this past summer. The one with the colored bike
is titled: “Up And down the Riverbank” and was taken
in downtown Detroit right at the Detroit River. The one
with the bird is titled: “Take Flight” and was taken off the
shore of Mackinac Island.
“Up and Down the Riverbank”
Photo by Besher Kashlan
“Take Flight” Photo by Besher Kashlan
Untold
Written and performed by: Besher Kashlan
What were you doing when you turned 7-years old?
Most likely a party, with countless presents to behold.
Now what would have happened, if you had these gifts
stripped away?
You would have reacted with a most horrible display.
You would have shrieked and shriek, a shriek that could
deafen.
But hey! You don’t know better, you’re only seven!
Prior to it all, lived with two younger brothers,
a hard-working father, and a merciful mother,
in Syria, in a two-bedroom home, no wii nor TV.
How could he enjoy this to such a degree? You see.
He never had these things to begin with
and so not one became.. a necessity.
So here comes revolution and with it the evolution
from a life of pure joy, to a life of persecution.
Forced to live at “home away from home”
Now they say you don’t know you’ve got good till it’s gone. but its not nearly home,
cuz in refugee camps, there’s barely any room
But what if you’ve never had something good all along?
and there’s a constant fear of meeting your doom.
He now lives in a room… that feels tighter,
Take Abdel for example, now he’s seven years old.
Than his mother’s own womb.
So then why does he live a life that’s so cold?
Why do we we sit here happily as these stories unfold?
Cuz for every one on the news, there’s a thousand untold. Now his father still works, leaving the kids with the spouse.
Ya see, Abdel’s only 7, but he’s the man of the house.
But they don’t live in a house, rather “the man of the tent”:
Now here we have Abdel, a child so gentle,
forced to suffer for years, cuz of something governmental. a simple ten-by-ten tent where they sleep on cement.
See the life he lived before, to him not at all bad,
Despite how horrible his previous life seems,
but if we lived that life, we’d quickly turn mad
right now it appears to be of all that he dreams.
because there’s no such iPad and not a single new fad,
but he enjoyed it so much because he loved what he had. To have everything taken, his shelter, water, and food,
his father always gone, don’t forget to include
his health and his wealth. It’s not that hard to conclude
that this is the reason, himself he secludes.
A refugee camp can be described as somewhat of an abyss
of depression and oppression, but you see, there’s…there’s
this..
this thing that kids have, but that adults miss,
and it’s the honest kiss, of pure innocence.
At first glance at a camp, you’d see more than one frown.
But if you stay a few days, you’d see kids play around.
They run all about with smiles on the faces.
You see, they’ve got elation: a trait that leaves traces.
Never thought it would happen, but there’s something we
can learn
from these kids smiling about, while for home their hearts
yearn.
They’ve come to realize it, and now it’s our turn:
No matter how distant to us it may appear,
we must have hope: Hope that an ending is near.
‫ﻃﺒﻴﺒﺔ ﺍﻷﺳﻨﺎﻥ ﺍﻟﺪﻛﺘﻮﺭﺓ ﻏﺎﻟﻴﺔ ﻗﻄﺮﻧﺠﻲ‬
‫* ﺯﺭﻉ ﺍﻷﺳﻨﺎﻥ‬
‫* ﺗﺮﻛﻴﺐ ﺍﻷﻃﻘﻢ‬
‫* ﺍﳉﺴﻮﺭ * ﺍﳊﺸﻮ‬
‫* ﺗﺒﻴﻴﺾ ﻭﺗﻘﻮﱘ ﺍﻷﺳﻨﺎﻥ‬
‫ﺑﺄﺣﺪﺙ ﺍﻟﻄﺮﻕ‬
‫ ﺳﻨﻮﺍﺕ‬5 ‫ ﺿﻤﺎﻥ ﺍﻟﻌﻤﻞ ﻣﺪﺓ‬‫ ﺳﻨﺔ‬22 ‫ ﺧﱪﺓ‬‫ ﺍﻹﺳﺘﺸﺎﺭﺓ ﳎﺎﻧﻴﺔ‬‫ ﻋﻼﺝ ﺍﳊﺎﻻﺕ ﺍﻟﻄﺎﺭﺋﺔ‬-
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17
B
R oo
ev k
ie
w
Crucial Conversations
Authors: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Excerpts summarized by Tallal M. Zeni
The root cause of many – if not most – human problems lies
in how people behave when others disagree with them about
high-stakes, emotional issues… Dramatic improvements in
organizational performance were possible if people learned
the skills routinely practiced by those who have found a
way to master these high-stakes, “crucial” moments.(xiii)
Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers,
organizations, and communities all draw from the same
source of power – the ability to talk openly about high-stakes,
emotional, controversial topics… Twenty years of research
involving more than 100,000 people reveals that the key skill
of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is
the capacity to skilfully address emotionally and politically
risky issues. Period.(9-10)
The title of the book is Crucial Conversations; “conversations” is plural, meaning many, not one. The temptation is to
think of a crucial conversation as “my one chance to solve
this problem” or as “the one conversation needed to save a
relationship” or as “the one opportunity to make everything
right.” What if instead, we see the single crucial conversation
as the beginning of dialogue… If you use these skills exactly
the way we tell you to and the other person doesn’t want to
dialogue, you won’t get to dialogue. However, if you persist
over time, refusing to take offense, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual
Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in
dialogue.(229-30)
Crucial conversation: A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.(3) When conversations turn from routine to
crucial, we’re often in trouble. That’s because emotions don’t
exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial
conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent
persuasion and gentle attentiveness… Crucial conversations
are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come
out of nowhere. And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re
forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex human interaction in real time – no books, no coaches, and certainly no
short breaks while a team of therapists runs to your aid and
pumps you full of nifty ideas.(5)
The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable
to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.
In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored
and then transferred. In good companies, bosses eventually
deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone holds
everyone else accountable – regardless of level or position.
(13-14)
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make
it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool
– even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong,
or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously they don’t
18
agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure
that all ideas find their way into the open.(24)
Skilled people Start with Heart. That is they begin high-risk
discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no
matter what happens. They maintain this focus in two ways.
First, they’re steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing
what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from
their goals, they stick with them. Second, skilled people don’t
make Fools Choices (either/or choices). Unlike others who
justify their unhealthy behaviour by explaining that they
had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart
believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always
an option.(36)
Despite the fact that we’re being tempted to take the wrong
path by (1) people who
are trying to pick a
fight, (2) thousands of
years of genetic hard
wiring that brings our
emotions to a quick
boil, and (3) our
deeply ingrained
habit of trying to
win, our North Star
returns us to our
original purpose.
(43)
The best at
dialogue refuse
Fool’s Choices
by setting up
new choices.
(46)
Every opinion leader
we’ve ever
studied has what it
takes to speak up and maintain respect.(47)
People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on
safety. They pay attention to the content – that’s a given – and
they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful.(55)
Crucial conversations often go awry not because others dislike the content of the conversation, but because they believe
the content (even if it’s delivered in a gentle way) suggests
that you have a malicious intent… Consequently the first
condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means
that others perceive that you’re working toward a common
outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals,
interests, and values. And vice versa. You believe they care
about yours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal, and you have both a
good reason and a healthy climate for talking.(77)
While it’ true that there’s no reason to enter a crucial conversation if you don’t have Mutual Purpose, it’s equally true that
you can’t stay in the conversation if you don’t maintain Mutual
Respect. Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of
dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them,
the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue
comes to a screeching halt. Why? Because respect is like air.
As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take
it away, it’s all that people can think about. The instant people
perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no
longer about the original purpose – it is now about defending dignity.(77)
Three hard-hitting skills that the best at dialogue use:
Apologize
Contrast
Create a Mutual Purpose
Each skill helps rebuild either Mutual Respect or Mutual
Purpose.(82)
Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that:
Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or
that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part).
Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do
part).(85)
When you find yourself labelling or otherwise vilifying
others, stop and ask: why would a reasonable, rational, and
descent person do what this person is doing? This particular question humanizes others. As we search for plausible
answers to it, our emotions soften.(124)
How can we speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? Actually, it can be done if you know how to carefully
blend three ingredients – confidence, humility, and skill…
Skilled people are confident that they something to say, but
also realize that others have valuable input. They are humble
enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the
truth nor do they always have to win their way. Their opinions
provide a starting point but not the final word.(133)
Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills
that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics.
These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym
STATE. It stands for:
Share your facts
Tell your story
Ask for others’ paths
Talk tentatively
Encourage testing(136)
Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning… Facts are the most persuasive… Facts are the least
insulting… If you start with your story (and in doing so, kill
safety), you may actually never get to the facts.(138-9)
As you share your story, watch for signs that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defensive or appear to be
insulted, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by
Contrasting.(142)
Why soften the message? Because we’re trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down other people’s throats. If
we’re too forceful, the information won’t make it into the pool.
One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those
holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful
you act, the more resistant others become.(144)
Whenever you notice safety is at risk, you should step out
of the conversation and restore it. When you have offended
others through a thoughtless act, apologize. Or if someone
has misunderstood your intent, use Contrasting. Explain what
you do and don’t intend. Finally, if you’re simple at odds, find
a Mutual Purpose.(156)
To encourage others to share their paths we’ll use four power
listening tools that can help make it safe for other people to
speak frankly. We call the four skills power listening tools
because they are best remembered with the acronym AMPP
– Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime. Luckily the tools work for
both silence and violence games.
The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage
others to share their Path to Action is simply to invite them
to express themselves… If asking others to share their path
doesn’t open things up, mirroring can help build more safety.
In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person’s Path
to Action we have access to and make it safe for him or her
to discuss it… When you get a clue about why the person is
feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by
paraphrasing what you’ve heard. Be careful not to simply parrot back what was said. Instead, put the message in your own
words – usually in abbreviated form… The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected… Stay
focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action. This will
help keep you from becoming angry or defensive.(162-5)
Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent
of the facts and stories that people disagree over. And while
it’s true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn’t start there. Start with an area of agreement… When you watch people who are skilled in dialogue,
it becomes clear that they’re not playing this everyday game
of Trivial Pursuit – looking for trivial differences and then
proclaiming them aloud. In fact, they’re looking for points of
agreement.(170) As a result, they’ll often start with the words,
“I agree.” Then they talk about the part they agree with. At
least, that’s where they start… Skilled people will agree and
then build… Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path
with the other person’s. That is, rather than suggesting that he
or she is wrong, suggest that you differ… Compare your two
views.(171-5)
The two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at
the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because
you have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry.
The end is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you
clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of
Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later
on.(178)
When you’re deciding how to decide, it helps to have a way
of talking about the decision-making options available. There
are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus… Voting is best suited to situations
where efficiency is the highest value – and you’re selecting
from a number of good options… Consensus means you talk
until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method
can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions. If
misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. It should
only be used with (1) high-stakes and complex issues or
(2) issues where everyone absolutely must support the final
choice.(180-2) Determine who does what by when. Make the
deliverables crystal clear. Set a follow-up time. Record the
commitments and then follow up. Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.(187)
19
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PRAYER SCHEDULE
www.muslimunitycenter.org
March 2015
Day
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March
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Hijri
10/5
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1/6
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11/6
Fajr Sunrise
5:51
7:09
5:50
7:07
5:48
7:05
5:46
7:04
5:45
7:02
5:43
7:00
5:42
6:59
6:40
7:57
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7:55
6:36
7:54
6:35
7:52
6:33
7:50
6:31
7:48
6:29
7:47
6:28
7:45
6:26
7:43
6:24
7:42
6:22
7:40
6:20
7:38
6:19
7:36
6:17
7:35
6:15
7:33
6:13
7:31
6:11
7:29
6:09
7:28
6:07
7:26
6:05
7:24
6:03
7:22
6:02
7:21
6:00
7:19
5:58
7:17
Dhuhr
12:46
12:46
12:46
12:45
12:45
12:45
12:45
1:44
1:44
1:44
1:44
1:43
1:43
1:43
1:43
1:42
1:42
1:42
1:41
1:41
1:41
1:41
1:40
1:40
1:40
1:39
1:39
1:39
1:38
1:38
1:38
April 2015
Asr Maghrib Isha
3:52
6:23
7:41
3:53
6:24
7:42
3:54
6:26
7:43
3:55
6:27
7:44
3:56
6:28
7:45
3:56
6:29
7:47
3:57
6:30
7:48
4:58
7:32
8:49
4:59
7:33
8:50
4:59
7:34
8:51
5:00
7:35
8:53
5:01
7:36
8:54
5:01
7:37
8:55
5:02
7:39
8:56
5:03
7:40
8:58
5:03
7:41
8:59
5:04
7:42
9:00
5:05
7:43
9:01
5:05
7:44
9:02
5:06
7:46
9:04
5:06
7:47
9:05
5:07
7:48
9:06
5:08
7:49
9:08
5:08
7:50
9:09
5:09
7:51
9:10
5:09
7:53
9:11
5:10
7:54
9:13
5:10
7:55
9:14
5:11
7:56
9:15
5:11
7:57
9:17
5:12
7:58
9:18
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Gregorian
25/10
26/10
27/10
28/10
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31/10
1/11
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Fajr Sunrise Dhuhr
6:41 7:58
1:18
6:42 7:59
1:18
6:44 8:00
1:18
6:45 8:01
1:17
6:46 8:03
1:17
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1:17
6:48 8:05
1:17
5:49 7:06 12:17
5:49 7:06 12:17
5:50 7:08 12:17
5:52 7:10 12:17
5:54 7:11 12:17
5:55 7:13 12:17
5:56 7:14 12:17
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5:58 7:16 12:17
5:59 7:18 12:18
6:00 7:19 12:18
6:01 7:20 12:18
6:02 7:21 12:18
6:03 7:23 12:18
6:04 7:24 12:18
6:06 7:25 12:18
6:06 7:25 12:18
6:08 7:28 12:19
6:09 7:29 12:19
6:10 7:30 12:19
6:11 7:31 12:20
6:12 7:33 12:20
Asr Maghrib Isha
4:10 6:36 7:54
4:09 6:35 7:53
4:07 6:33 7:51
4:06 6:32 7:50
4:05 6:31 7:49
4:04 6:29 7:48
4:03 6:28 7:47
3:02 5:27 6:45
3:02 5:27 6:45
3:01 5:25 6:44
2:59 5:23 6:42
2:58 5:22 6:41
2:57 5:20 6:40
2:56 5:19 6:39
2:55 5:18 6:38
2:54 5:17 6:37
2:54 5:16 6:36
2:53 5:15 6:35
2:52 5:14 6:34
2:51 5:13 6:34
2:50 5:12 6:33
2:50 5:11 6:32
2:49 5:10 6:31
2:49 5:10 6:31
2:48 5:09 6:30
2:47 5:08 6:29
2:47 5:07 6:29
2:46 5:06 6:28
2:46 5:06 6:28