2012-2013 End of Season Booklet

PureTown FC
End of Season 2012/13
The Promotion Special
10th May, 2013
Dearest Puretans,
Welcome to this special promotion edition of the annual end of
season programme. Together, we have spent winter dominating
the Surrey South Eastern Combination Intermediate Division
One, beating almost everything that the South West London
area could put in front of us.
We’ve reached a cup final, a cup semi-final, a cup quarter-final
and spent the majority of 2013 perched at the top of the
league. The result is that we have been promoted to play at the
highest level a self-funded amateur football team can play at.
It’s a pretty sick achievement and one that we should all rightly
feel very proud of.
This is a review of our great season together. Did someone say
we got promoted?
Just in case anyone was wondering
what all the fuss is about, we asked the
Oxford English dictionary to define our
historic achievement…
Definition of promote
Verb
1. Support or actively encourage a cause or venture…
2. Further the progress of…
3. Give publicity to a product, organization, or venture so as to
increase public awareness…
4. Raise someone of something to a higher position or rank
5. Transfer a sports team to
a higher division of a
league
We think that clears it up. If anyone was still in any doubt though,
perhaps its best to ask Chopper, aka The Gaffer…
Some words from the gaffer
Speaking of the Gaffer, to get things going we asked Chop to pen a few words
about the season just past. In true Chopper style, we got back a passionately
written, heart on his sleeve, “I don’t give a f*ck what anyone else thinks,
alright pal?” in depth review of the season. What an absolute badger.
I’ve told the story before but I signed for PureTown one summer’s day in 2005 when I
met the Colonel in a pub in Chiswick. He was wearing a vibrant pink shirt and was
working for a large recruitment agency in town. What the fuck has happened to my
Colonel was the first thought. Within 20 minutes he was ordering the third pints, had
chopped some chick he was meant to be taking to the cinema and was telling me about
this football team he was starting with some bloke called Parkes, the big selling point of
which would be that Bob (then known to me as Waz) was also playing. This was more like
it.
I think it’s fair to say I was sceptical, but knowing Conners as I did, when he puts his mind
to something, it generally gets done. Just ask his Dad if you don’t believe me – they had
to plane some doors one day last year (meaning Neil couldn’t make fitness training – this
is surprising I am sure you’ll agree – he loves to push himself on the training pitch) and
apparently he did a really top job of it. Neil takes after his Dad in many ways in fact, best
showcased by his choice of attire this evening.
In the years between, it’s fair to say there have been an incredible amount of up’s and
very few down’s. It’s not all been a song and dance mind. Anyone who was on the
receiving end of the Parkes bollocking in the ‘06/’07 season will attest to that (and is
perhaps still laughing at the way his voice went particularly high pitched as he got
angrier and angrier). But as I write, it’s hard to think of anything but immense times in
the life of this incredible family.
However, I vividly recall a fear of the unknown almost exactly 12 months ago. We’d just
won our one and only Cup Final and were rejoicing accordingly but deep down, I knew
much work was needed. We’d been told that two legends of the team and the heart of
the defence in Pearco and Drake would be ending their careers with the Cup Final only
weeks earlier and when Bateman swiftly followed, a bloke I consider one of the biggest
dons I know (surprisingly not a Samuel) but one I’d only ever known as a football playing
Puritan, I was concerned that a lot of what I thought made our club so great was to be
gone.
We’d no goalkeeper, no ground, no captain. We’d absolute stalwarts throwing sperm
around like cannon fodder, impregnating women left, right and centre. We’d a milkman
talking about going to Spain to catch some much needed rays (we couldn’t argue with
the pretence at least) and let’s face it, our defensive options were looking like me and
Bob. Franco Baressi and Paulo Maldini we are not.
And that is exactly where this miraculous season began. In testing times, you need men
to step up and true to form and his co-founding legacy, Parkes was the first man to the
plate. First job, sack off those goalkeeper worries lads, El Gato is the man for you. He
also set about bringing in new recruits like Harry Redknapp in a room of brown
envelopes. “I’ve got a lad through a bloke who knows a guy with an Auntie in Outer
Mongolia called Deidre who knows a man who once saw this guy Alex Losy play and
apparently he is quite handy” said he. Sounds good Parkes. If we’re really lucky he
might be an absolute don and a complete gun of a centre midfielder. I think it’s fair to
say we got lucky. Duggie was next up with the simple strategy of finding a player for the
team with a worse middle name than his good self. Although he failed on this mission,
within 2 weeks, Gavin Frank Sumner had signed on, paid subs and was showing an
authority and quality in training that started to make you think we might be alright
after all. Then former superfan Ben Finden’s brother rocked up and showed a level of
skill and a quality of bant that belied the shitty, scummy, cunt like shirt he was wearing
(yes, it was a Chelsea shirt). I started to think things were moving in the right direction.
However, I think I only really started to believe when Thommo got 90 minutes under his
belt in pre-season. All those there present muttered the words “miracles do happen”. If
Thommo can actually get through a game unscathed, surely 2012/2013 could still be
the 5th time lucky for PureTown.
Duggie was unanimously voted in to fill the rather large skipper boots left by the
departing Bateman (this is of course a metaphor – the reality, as we know, is that
Bateman’s boots are incredibly small) and the electorate were equally forthright in
determining Nummer as his deputy. Both have clearly listened intently to the requests
of the gaffa through the season as their new responsibilities have done wonders for
their disciplinary records, both collecting cards like Bob at a game of shithead. A SICK,
SICK, SICK new home was secured at Tolworth Court and when Mikey set the tone for
his immense season with an MOM performance on the opening day to see us beat SEL
6-1, we felt we might perhaps be in a good place after all.
There have been a couple of key points in the season for me. The performance at home
to NPL goes down as arguably our greatest of all time led by an inspirational hat trick by
the Captain. But for me, going away to Holmesdale, a shitty pitch against a bunch of
utter cunts, is when this season really became great. No strikeforce, no keeper and an
opposition still fighting for silverware. Not only did we knock them out of the title race,
we knocked them out of existence. Fuck off Holmesdale. When Bob saved that penalty
kick we began to believe. When Jimbo rose like a salmon at the front post to score yet
another crucial goal in his PT career, there was only one team going to win. What
followed was 30 minutes of brilliance that not only garnered 3 points, but also brought a
belief into the team that was so tangible you could taste it. From then on, we never
looked back.
A lot of people have asked me what the difference has been this season and the truth is,
I think I could name 50 things that we have either done better or been better at that
have enabled us to finally sit atop the tree. However, the underpinning factor in all 50
improvements is commitment. Nobody ever demands it of us and lord knows we all have
people in our lives that wish we weren’t so committed to this thing! It’s not even an
expectation that comes with playing for PureTown. It simply comes down to the fact that
this has become so much more than a football team. It is a family of brothers that,
without ever quite realising it has happened, you find yourself wanting to give absolutely
everything you have in your soul to help it be successful. We’ve been lucky enough to
add serious quality to the side in recent years and perhaps luckier that some of the
veterans have been able to improve themselves, but what isn’t lucky is that whilst the
individual parts are as good as anyone else in the league, the sum of those parts have
proven to be way, way better. That is something that should make us all very proud.
Next season, all things being equal, we will find ourselves in the Elite League. This single
step transitions this club from a good park football team to a serious, serious outfit by
any measure. We’ll be taking on teams who will be paying players, who will have long
established grounds and youth setups and alike. Teams that quite frankly we shouldn’t
be stood alongside, but because of our quality and because of our commitment, little old
PureTown will roll into town and take some scalps. It will be very different in many ways
next season. Odds are that we probably won’t win as many games as this season (though
you never know) and we will therefore be tested like we haven’t been for a while. The
true test of any group is how it reacts in times of adversity. I hope we’re sat here in 12
months time just as proud of what we’ve achieved as a group as we are sat here right
now. If I was a betting man, knowing this family as I do, I have no doubt that will be the
case.
As for Franco Baressi and Paulo Maldini, well, they never played for a side that
progressed through 4 flights of the football hierarchy did they? Very guilty.
The season in review
Any great season deserves to be remembered, so whilst the PureTown
2012/13 promotion season DVD remains in post-production, we took
this opportunity to look back on what got us to where we are today.
Which in case anyone was wondering, is now The Surrey Elite
Intermediate Football League.
Pre-season - new committee, new captain, new vice-captain, new home and new talent
Times they were a changing at Pure Towers. As the new season dawned, a new committee
was sworn in at the house of Lord James Parker Esq, and a number of key decisions
needed to be made. Retirements called for a new skipper and new VC, while we’d also
secured the option to move to a new home at Tolworth Court. Some fresh blood was also
needed to bolster a squad that was down to it’s bare bones and new recruits were secured
in the form of Al Losy, Tom Finden and Gav Sumner. The news was also coming through
that Thommo’s vagina had healed in the off-season, which was something that needed to
be seen to be believed. New superfan, Freddie Humble, was also welcomed into our
world.
We managed to catch-up with some of the key pre-season figures that would help shape
the 2012/13 season
Alex Losy, PureTown’s new man in the hole
Hi, I’m Alex Losy, a trance / tech trance music producer from Oxford. I’m going to
be moving to London soon, where I intend to shed a few pounds by joining
PureTown and doing loads of sit ups to grow PureTown’s biggest and best six pack
Tom Finden’s ball, PureTown’s unofficial new signing
Hi, I’m Tom Finden’s ball. I won’t be officially signing for PureTown but I’ll be going
everywhere Tom goes, so you can expect to see a lot of me this season. I can’t wait,
as long as he keeps me away from that Duck character, who I hear enjoys popping
balls like me. Hopefully Tom’s big strong arms will keep me safe
Mo Farah, PureTown’s new changing room attendant
Hi, I’m Mo. You’ve probably all heard of me as I won double Gold at
London 2012. This year I’ve decided to take a break from the track
and can’t think of a better way to spend a year out than attending
to those fine PureTown specimens down at Tolworth. You’ll find
me hanging out with The Colonel, except for when that pesky
Thommo bloke is around. Those two are inseparable
Picture Quiz
Time to break the season up with a quiz. Everyone loves a quiz. Based on the
pictures below, guess which PureTan – past or present – is being depicted
Answer………………..
Answer………………..
Answer………………..
Answer………………..
The season in review
September – a Colonel hat-trick, six points and a Ryder Cup
The league campaign began with a trip to the newly promoted South East London. Colonel
set the tone for the season with a hat-trick in a resounding 6-1 win. Our London cup run
started with a 2-1 win against Balham and old adversaries Battersea were seen off 2-1 in
the league.
Elsewhere, the Ryder Cup got
underway in Medinah . Not to be
outdone, September’s social saw
The Colonel pit Europe vs USA in
PureTown’s very own drinking
Ryder Cup.
Ian Poulter, leading the charge for
Europe in Medinah
The Colonel’s favourite things,
leading the charge for PureTown
in Wandsworth
October – two draws, a win and another Ryder Cup
The 10th month of the year began with PureTown twice coming from behind to draw 2-2at fellow promotion chasers NPL. A quick fire second league fixture against South East
London saw us not quite hit the heights of the previous month as we drew 1-1 in one of
our worst performances at Tolworth. We quickly bounced back with a 3-2 win against old
rivals Old Plym. Thommo surprised us all by playing 90 minutes twice in two weeks
V
17.5
6.5
PureTown’s nightowls venture to Birmingham
for a bit of Saturday night drinking, whilst
everyone else goes to bed in preparation to
play no golf
In other news, Puretans old and new descended on
the Belfry for the 5th playing of the annual
PureTown Ryder Cup. Team USA romped away with
a crushing 17.5 – 6.5 victory, in an event which saw
day two re-arranged due to a vicious bout of fog.
Parkes, meanwhile, got exceptional value for
money, as he arrived in time to not play any golf at
all.
Colonel, looking slightly
uneasy with the new finger
in the bum celebration
Chop insisted on
implementing this season
Bobby Dingle – Stacked by April
It was an announcement that shook PureTown to it's
core. Our resident Bear, for so long the butt of many fat
man jokes from The Colonel and his fellow team-mates,
had announced that he had joined a gym. This was as big
as it gets. Gone were the days of eating crisps during the
week or the odd cookie with the Duck on the way to
football on a Saturday. Bobby's new diet was to be
chicken, broccoli and turkey breast, or to put it simply,
protein, protein, protein and… er….. pills
Andy Warhol’s painting of Bobby working out
really had to be seen to be believed
On one October morning, PureFitness caught up with Bob on his
way to the gym for an exclusive chat:
PureFitness: So Luke, we hear you're a new man, tell us a bit more about you plan to get in shape?
Bobby: It's going to be easy. See I've got a new mate at work who's a
rugby league player and they're just the fittest, strongest guys in all the
land aren't they? A couple of pills a day is all he needs so I'm thinking I
can't fail if I do the same. I'll be stacked by April.
The one stop shop to bigger
guns
PureFitness: Sorry, a "couple of pills a day" did you say? Tell us a bit
more about that could ya?
Bobby: I'm not sure where he gets them from to be honest, he just buys them off the internet and tells
me to take one before the gym and one afterwards. They seem to be doing the trick so far, I'm lifting
more than ever and working out for hours on end with no pain. Pain is for pussies. Have you seen my
biceps?
PureFitness: Are you getting any side effects from these special
pills your taking?
Bobby: Why do you ask? Now you say it, my d!ck does seem to
have shrunk a bit. I'm also getting angry for no reason at the
chicks at home, but I thought that was just the stresses of working
in recruitment again, which I love by the way
PureFitness: Sounds like steroids Luke.
Amy and Alana feel the brunt of Bobby’s
anger as another bout of roid rage takes hold
Bobby: Really!? Nah, can't be.
PureFitness: You'll be stacked in no time on them. You should have
a bet with someone
Bobby: Good idea! Why didn't I think of that? I'll mention it to Chop
next time I see him. What a mug, he'll never believe me but I'll prove
him wrong. Sucker.
The bet that
would come
back to haunt
Bobby Dingle
The season in review
November - Three wins, a defeat, a curry and a new assistant
manager
As Guy Fawkes and his team of firestarters lit bonfires across
Britain, PureTown continued to light up South West London as
another win in the league and two cup victories saw us start the
month with an aggregate score of 10-2. As Chop decided to
appoint a new assistant manager, our first defeat of the season
followed against old adversaries Real Holmesdale, where we
went down 2-1 at home. The VC decided to spend the afternoon
fighting and saw red. It would not be the last time this season.
PureTown’s new assistant manager,
a fiery character that lasted longer
than he should have
The social took PureTown to Brick Lane for a curry. Gav Sumner
made his first social appearance of the year and swiftly
demolished a PVRB in 4 seconds. He hasn't made it to another
social since.
Gavin, in the days when he used
to turn up to social occasions at
university. How he has changed
December - three wins and a Christmas break
PureTown were in majestic form at the turn of the year as Project Clapham were
sent flying off their perch by a four goal first half blitz in the League Cup.
Progress in the London Cup and a solid 3-0 league victory against Old Ruts meant
the Purettes could enjoy the Christmas break with their men, who were feeling
rather good about the rest of the season.
Trfinden Lads, has anyone seen my
ball? I lost it in the dole queue.
MOBrien Lads – I’ll see you all at
the social.
180!
It's a little known fact that newly crowned Tour de France winner and Olympic
Champion, Bradley Wiggins, is really 20 different people, all having a unique individual
role in the incredible success of someone who many thought to be super-human.
So while TV-facing Bradley was busy collecting
the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award,
the other 19 Bradley's spent the day cutting
shapes at The Church, eating Nando's and
watching darts. As Ducky and Finden Snr took
on the challenge of no sleep from the night
before, what followed was a social of tears,
carnage, clothes swapping, and a surprise
appearance from title rivals NPL. We also got
on TV, in case anyone was watching
Liam Wiggins, standing to attention for the annual Colonel
Wiggins fish hooking competion. This year’s tournament was
won by Thommo Wiggins for this shot captured live on Sky
Sports 1 HD
Social highlights
Arguably up there with the greatest socials in PureTown’s eight year history, here’s a look at just
some of the highlights from the Sunday extravaganza:
• Former super fan, Finden Snr turning up the drunkest he's been all year, without sleep and high
on Xanex. He swiftly cried onto the Duck’s shoulder in the Church
• Parkes starting a fight on the way out of the Church with someone who merely got in his way.
• Liam Humble pinching a cameraman's arse whilst he filmed the action, before running away like
the little mischievous devil that he is
• Liam Humble being kicked out before disguising himself as Finden Snr and getting back in to hurl
abuse at NPL. Liam: “You’re good, you’re good, you’re alright…. But you’re shit! “
• JP just bossing it as the first ever Argentinian / Belgian Bradley Wiggins and maintaining a better
social attendance record than social sec, Nik Ireland.
NIrelandlegohead Lads – I won’t see
you at the social even though I am
Social Sec
Humface Hi @gaffachop. Sorry,
can’t make training tonight. I have
a presentation to do next month
that I need to prepare for.
Catching up with the PureTots
With their Daddies off having fun at the darts with Bradley Wiggins,
we took the chance to check in on the next generation of Puretans and
Purettes, as we say hello to the PureTots
Lukin Parker
When Lukin arrived, everyone thought the same. He's the model baby. The sort
of baby you could take home to meet your parents. The sort of baby who
wouldn't fuss if he didn't get to play with the ball at playgroup. Basically a
gentlemen baby – one of the last. And whilst this is true, we have started to see
a darker side develop in young Lukin. As his surname suggests he is prone to an
outburst and this has been most notable this year upon the failure of some
unnamed puretots to attend parties. It was even rumoured that his first word
Despite not actually
was spat out venomously upon hearing that the puretots had once again failed
being Lukin’s Dad, Neil
felt the need to dress
to keep the third Saturday of the month free for a party. That word was 'cunts'.
appropriately for this
Martha Rae Bateman
evening out…
Martha used to love playing with the other puretots but when she realised she
didn't have the bant to keep up she decided to concentrate more on tricycling.
She really loved it for a bit but couldn't bear to be apart from the other puretots
and after a while she rejoined the group declaring boldly and loudly and loudly
and loudly over email, telephone and in person loudly that she would come to any
future playdates which might be scheduled. After all, the new playground the
puretots were hanging out in was full of brand new shiny equipment and there
was even the chance to get gold stars for playing extra nicely. Glory hunting is in
the Bateman blood and this was the ample opportunity to demonstrate. Sadly for
Martha however, the puretots were playing at a much higher level than she could
ever have anticipated and she fell by the wayside
Freddie Humble
Freddie is nailing it. Not only has he outgrown his father already but he has also
received a glittering report from nursery school. Teacher had this to say:
"When Freddie turned up on his first day we were terrified. Sure, he was just a baby,
but he was being held by a man smaller than him which was scary for everyone. We
didn't know what to think but as soon as the manchild tried to headbutt the living
shit out of us all we thought his kid might also be a tiny thug. How wrong we were.
Freddie is a charming boy and has yet to grab our necks, slap us or bite our shoulders
– which is more than can be said for Mr Humble who did all of the above to the
headmaster on parents evening."
Isabelle Matthews
In what had been described by experts as a 'nationality crisis', Isabelle has spent a
lot of her first year trying to get back to China where she believes she is from.
Despite being unable to walk yet – she has managed somehow to perfect the
roundhouse kick and has begun speaking conversational Mandarin. We caught up
with her at Mr Wu's all you can eat buffet on Gerrard Street and she had this to say
"Hewwo sensai. I no see pwobwem wi' my Chinese hewwitage. My father, Jimmy
Wong-Chance, is twaditionaw Chinese patwiot, jus wook at his eyes! You diswespect
my famiwy wi' such siwwy cwaims. Now take me back to Beijing you irriots."
The season in review
January - snow, rain, two wins and beer pong
A New Year, but the same old PureTown as
two more wins in the league saw us keep up
the pressure on table toppers, Westminster
Weasels. A 3-1 away win against Old Plym saw
Jimmy One Chance score a delightful solo goal
from inside his own half and while the
weather continued to try and halt our
momentum, we turned in arguably our best
performance of the season, as we beat fellow
promotion hopefuls NPL 4-1. Duggie showed
The Colonel how it's done with a 2nd half hattrick that had it all
League position:
Can’t believe they
still think I’m going
to turn up for a
social this year.
What a bunch of
absolute mugs.
I’ve shown them.
Idiots
Not even the Tolworth snow could halt PureTown’s
acendancy towards the top of the league in 2013
Al Losy stepped up to the plate and hosted
January's social at his place in Chiswick. The
evening featured Beer Pong, pizza and a trip
to Wessex House, only for us to be turned
away by the bouncers who said we'd have
more fun elsewhere. Bobby grizzled at the
lack of organisation. Nik Ireland didn't turn
up.
Goodbye Fenwah
Meanwhile, it was with a heavy heart that we waved farewell 100+ cap
defender/midfielder, Ian M Fenn. His last game being the 3-1 Shield victory
over Old Plym. After keeping the lovely Annike waiting to squeeze a couple
more games out of PureTown, our one, and so far only, gay colleague fled
across Europe to the employment capital of the world, Catalonia.
We thought that Ian’s unfaltering commitment to the cause would be sorely
missed, but PureTown went from strength to strength following his departure
and we continued to climb the league.
For those that feared the worst for our resident Eco-warrier after his move to
sunnier climes, we are pleased to say that we managed to catch-up with Ian
later in the programme.
Ian’s dress sense hasn’t
changed since his move
to Spain
Picture Quiz
Picture quiz round 2. You know the rules...
Answer………………..
Answer………………..
Answer………………..
Answer………………..
The season in review
The Duck takes PureScarring to new
levels with his latest facial feature
February – Two wins, out of the London Cup, the McCann’s
boss it and... Keith
In spite of the English weather doing it’s best to try and de-rail
PureTown’s progress, our Shield campaign reached the semifinal stage, as a win over Old Plym saw The Duck pick up his
PureScar - something only true Puretans have. Another four goal
first-half blitz in a 6-3 victory also saw off Project Clapham.
Again. The London Cup campaign came to an end, as we crashed
out 1-0.
Meanwhile, the Skipper’s dirty secret was revealed to all. He
was actually called Keith. More on that later.
On the social scene, Liam hosted a game of
ring of fire which led to Paul McCann
inexplicably throwing up in the sink. The
Duck meanwhile, clearly concussed from his
blow to the head, was understandably sick
in the same sink as he got forced to play
Chop takes another sip of his beer
catch-up.
March – Real Holmesdale, what a bunch of beauts
Having inflicted the only league defeat of the season on
the mighty whites, Real Holmesdale clearly caused a
threat to PureTown’s promotion charge and a difficult trip
to John Ruskin playing fields without a goalkeeper and a
strikeforce was how we started March. An epic team
display and a penalty save from Bob the hero (thanks
again Bob) saw PureTown win 3-1. Holmesdale
immediately folded and PureTown marched on to the
League Cup semi’s with a 5-3 win over Fulham Deaf. We
also reached the Shield final thanks to a penalty shootout
victory over NPL. Did someone say backstick bullet?
SuperToffee Hi @TomDaley. I am in
desperate need of some diving
advice. I practice all the time but
the lads say I am still shit at it.
JALP79 Cancel the f*cking social, are
they having a laugh? Not in my
f*cking day. I’ll make my feelings
clear over email
Keith
Keith… It just doesn’t sound very nice does it? You just don’t see many babies called Keith
around these days. It’s also the name that Family Guy’s Peter Griffin officially labelled the
most unattractive male first name in the English language.
This season, Pure Towers went on the hunt to find a Keith within our midst. Quickly, we
discovered that our great skipper was in fact christened James Keith Dugmore…
We gave James the chance to prove why Keith is in fact the GREATEST name ever invented.
Here’s 18 facts he believes proves everyone wrong…
1. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the
telephone, he discovered he had 3 missed calls from
Keith
2. Keith Floyd
3. Keith got Kate pregnant
4. Fergie retired to make way for Keith
5. Keith plays rhythm guitar (like a boss)
6. Keith is the brains behind Tarrantino
7. Keith once visited the Virgin Islands. They
are now known only as The Islands
8. Keith was once bitten by a cobra.
After five days of excruciating pain,
the cobra died.
9. Scotland named a town after Keith
10. Keith carried Gervais in The Office
11. Keith is the Greek god of Weapons
12. Nicole Kidman
chopped Tom Cruise
to marry Keith
13. Keith plays for PureTown
14. David Beckham has been spotted
sporting the latest range of Keith
Bodywear
15. Keith can win Connect 4 in only 3 moves
16. Keith invented sliced bread
17. Keith knows Victoria’s
secret (you cheeky minx)
18. Keith is not Bobby
Bobby Dingle – Stacked by April
With only a month to go until Bobby was going to be officially stacked,
we thought March would be a good time to check in on how is plans
were shaping up. It didn’t look good.
What Bob thought would
happen over winter
What actually happened to
Bob over winter
The fine line
The season in review
April – Six games in 20 days and PROMOTION!
The winter’s bad weather combined with three cup runs finally began to take it’s toll on
PureTown’s fixture calendar, as we faced the prospect of six games in 20 days across April.
Two wins and two draws in the league meant we stayed top of the table, but the defence of
our League Cup trophy unfortunately ended in the semis with a 1-0 defeat to Old Boys
Clapham.
Our last game of the month was against an improving Project Clapham side, who held their
own for 45 minutes thanks to Bobby finding it within himself to miss an open goal from a
yard. What followed proved what a great second half team we are and we spanked them 30. The win secured PureTown promotion. Probloodymotion everybody. What a
monumental bloody achievement.
MOBrien nadfji ijwefpijw fjwfp
fepjwf. Fpewfj. Fpasfin fnwen,
grgniqq qng qpq5tkf rgjrgp. Qgpjqg
qgqng giqg[j qgjgj. Gjqqp qpjqgi
shwjph nigni gingn gmf eoqo4j.
Efmefn. Promtion
TootingBecFC Hi @PureTownFC.
Steff from TootingBec here. I am a
complete cunt. As are my whole
team. You will absolutely love it
when you beat us next season.
May – the league title?
As the fixture congestion finally caught up with us four disappointing days in May has
taken the league and cup double out of our hands. Will lady luck deliver us the league title
and reward us with some silverwear for our great season together? Who knows. One
thing is for sure though, it has certainly been emotional.
To check in with our missing milkman, we managed to get hold of an
exclusive interview with Catalonia’s Annual Magazine of Puretown (CAMP)
CAMP: Hola, Ian.
Ian: Holaaaaaaaa!
CAMP: Remind our readers who you are & where you came from.
Ian: ROFLcopterz! You make it sound like they don’t remember me!!
[CAMP: They don’t.] Well, I was the Judas that scampered off to Spain
halfway [CAMP: Thirdway] through the season, leaving Puretown
absolutely no chance of promotion or a half-decent crack at the cups.
Fenn’s finally found comfort in his team-mates’ arms
CAMP: But Puretown went from strength-to-strength without
you, gaining promotion & narrowly missing out on a leaguecup double in the club’s most successful season ever…
Ian: ¡Ay Papi! Well if I wasn’t such a heartless Judas I would
give a monkey’s that they’d done so well without me. Though
it does sound a bit like they don’t even need or miss me…
Training sessions are far more fun without SAQ
CAMP: So other than missing out on such unbridled,
Fennyless success, what do you miss most about Puretown?
Ian: You may think I miss the bonding, the brotherhood,
the boozing; the quality football, the quest for silverware,
the quenching 3 points of a Saturday; the lads, the lasses,
the laughs… But actually I miss the Co-operative’s “Truly
Irresistible” red peppers & Sainsbury’s Fairtrade Brazil nuts
on a matchday – can’t get them for love nor money out here.
And I certainly don’t miss sitting on the f**king bench every
Fenny & his new mates at one of their fave haunts
other f**king blue moon either.
CAMP: And what are the best bits of Barca?
Ian: I really like the mass-unemployment vibe, I found London so
overbearingly productive & misery-free, and it gives me plenty of
time to work on my tan & keep fit – I’ve lost 7 pounds since
January in skin alone. I’ve always been fond of nature so the
cockroaches are a constant treat, and no-one understands me so I
can mumble away to myself to my heart’s content – just like home.
Annike and Ian catch some rays at the beach
CAMP: So no plans to come back soon then?
Ian: ¡Not likely cabron! Not unless they grovel like dogs & Chop
promises me the Xavi role week-in, week-out. But an abrazo y
besos to everyone and congratulations on an incredible
achievement this year – to win all those games without me???
¡Jesus Cristo! I tip my sombrero. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Great sporting comebacks
By Jay Lloyd Stewart
With the season now drawn to a close, its time to reminisce about some of the great
sporting comebacks across the ages. Some have been triumphant, some have been a
step too far, and some have been downright embarrassing. Here at Pure Towers, we
have decided to go through the five most disastrous sporting comebacks of all time
5. Ben Johnson
Famously known for the 1988 Olympics when the
Canadian was sent home in disgrace after testing
positive for steroids following his win in the 100m
final. He came back to the track after his two-year
ban in a bid to repair his tattered reputation, failing
to make Canada's team for the 1992 Olympics (read:
5 appearances+, 0 goals). Johnson then failed a
second drugs test and a lifetime ban ensued.
4. Ian Thorpe
Australian swimmer Thorpe won five Olympic gold medals in total at
the 2000 and 2004 Games but quit in 2006 at the age of 24, citing
waning motivation. The "Thorpedo" announced his comeback and set
his sights on qualifying for the London 2012 Olympics – wishing to
have one final tilt at Olympic glory. But at the Australian Olympic
trials in March 2012, Thorpe failed to get past the semi-finals in either
the 100m or 200m freestyle (read: 5 appearances+, 0 goals).
3. Bjorn Borg
One of the greatest players of all time, the Swede won 11
grand slam titles and bid farewell to the court in 1983, aged 26.
In 1991, with an outdated wooden racket, he made his
comeback to quench that gnawing feeling of regret that he
packed it in too early. Unsurprisingly, Bjorn failed to win in 12
attempts before giving up in 1993 to the relief of many (read: 5
appearances+, 0 goals).
2. Michael Schumacher
After seven F1 titles, the German returned to the track with
Mercedes in 2010, at the tender age of 41 with a burning
desire in his heart to continue doing what he loved. Since then,
he had to endure a number of mid-field finishes, never won a
race (read: 5 appearances+, 0 goals), and then had the good
grace to pack it in having finished 13th in the 2012 standings
Great sporting comebacks
1. Phillllll Bateman
After a career spanning 7 seasons, with 101 goals
in 162 games, Bateman retired at the top having
lifted PureTown’s second piece of silverware in a
thrilling cup final won on penalties. Having sent
the lads a heartfelt note with his thoughts and
feelings**, the scene was set for him to walk away
triumphant. Halfway through the 2012/2013
season, with PTFC top of the table and in three cup
quarter finals, Phill decided that he wanted to
make a comeback. We’re sure it had nothing to do
with him wanting a piece of our silverwear action
5 appearances* and 0 goals later (or better put,
less than an hour of actual match play in a season totalling 46.5 hours), it can
comfortably be declared to be the worst sporting comeback in history, with possibly
the worst motives ever. Thanks for your time, Philllllll. *one as an unused substitute
**Lads,
It is with a heavy heart and a tear in the eye that I am announcing my relinquishing of the captaincy & retirement
from PureTown. It is not a snap decision – I made it two months ago and deliberated for 2 months prior to that.
Sadly, with a baby on the way I do not think I will be able to give enough time to PureTown to be as effective as I
have been for 7 years, and without the natural talent of a Humble or McCann (Dave) to speak of in my possession,
staying on wouldn’t be beneficial to PureTown’s main goal of progression.
Despite what a lot of you might think, I am keen not to milk this! I will still be around and every now and then I am
sure I will help the lads out if you’re short of numbers, in the same way that Gaz has in recently times, but this
decision is right for both Rach & I, and Puretown as a club. I will still be around the club and the lads helping out
wherever possible, and of course it goes without saying that last Wednesday night was the highlight of what has
been the best 7 years of my life without a shadow of a doubt.
In addition, I am massively up for getting a PureTown tattoo if anyone else is.
I love my brothers.
101 (ret.) x
Some closing comments from the VC
Despite a disciplinary record that has seen him sent off more times than anyone can
remember, Nicholas “Maranummer” Humble has stepped into the VC shoes in fine style this
season. With Freddie and Lucy with him every step of the way, we thought we’d let him
close this shit down with his memories of our great season together. Over to you, Nick.
As you may or may not know (or care) this is my fifth year for Puretown and first year
on the prestigious Gaffa's committee. Although I’ve had some form of responsibility
this year I'm glad to report that the Gaffa and Co left very little of the day to day
decisions to me alone. A couple of prime examples from the first committee meeting
of the season:
1. I opposed Tolworth Court as a training venue
2. I questioned whether the Colonel would be better used on the right wing rather
than his relatively new striking role
Needless to say we're not sitting pretty on our promotion winning pedestal because
of my vice captaincy. But what I can (and will) lay claim to is being part of a
formidably committed squad that embodies the camaraderie and never say die
attitude that great teams are formed upon. Whenever the team needed a pat on the
back in consolation, a slap on the arse of encouragement or a moment to step up and
change a game, one of us was there with the ability and bollocks to do so. Whether it was Ducky whipping in a trademark cross,
Thommo clearing out an opposing striker or Mikey playing a Hollywood pass (that's never going where it's intended) we've all
played our part. Tonight's awards will be about the individuals but collectively each one of you can stand up and say you've
played your part... Please try to remember that when I'm picking up my hat to trick of awards this evening.
Staying on the theme of team performances I've spent a little time reminiscing over what has been a monolithic season for the
beauts and highlighted my top 5 moments below.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
The Colonel's first hat trick - Puretown v SEL (League - 08/09/12); South East London were an unknown quantity and
proved in their first 10 minutes in the SSE Div 1 that they had some capable players. It took Puretown roughly 20 minutes
to flex their muscle with Liam and Mikey running the midfield (as they continued to do all season) and a stunning hat trick
from Colonel giving us a taste of things to come.
Ducky's assists - Cheam v Puretown (League - 03/11/12) & Old Ruts v Puretown (15/12/12); Both Cheam Village and Old
Rutlishians away typify the feathered Mexican's performances this year. Big league games require big team performances
and Daffy's pin point crosses and direct play led the Pure on to big victories (4-0 & 3-0) and a brace in each game shows his
impact. I'd have a bet that if we had statistics on assists the Duck would have a 70% share for the team's season total (I just
can't be arsed to work it out).
Real Holmsdale Revenge - Real H v Puretown (League - 02/03/13); With a battered and depleted squad and a loss on the
hallowed turf of Tolworth ringing in our ears Puretown righted our wrongs. It took a second half performance from the very
top drawer. A saved penalty (cheers Bob), a Jimbo header, a Duck pile driver and a Luca Toni slot.
Promotion - Puretown v Project Clapham (League - 27/04/13); Suffering from the backlog of league and cup fixtures and a
mid week draw with Westminster we came in to this fixture with a heavy weight on our shoulders - Promotion to the Elite.
After a slow start Puretown's nerves began to subside and Mikey's left foot volley set the wheels in motion for a dominant
2nd half display. 1 puke and 3 goals later Puretown were promoted and higher than they'd ever been before.
Cup Comeback - Puretown v NPL (Cup Semi - 27/03/13); I know this should probably be number 2 but sometimes you
watch a premiership (or even champions league) match and think...Wow, what the fuck just happened there! Well I played
in this game and I still think what the fuck just happened there! 3-1 down in extra time, my body is devastated / ruined /
extinct / gone but luckily others found it within themselves to push that extra yard. 5 minutes remaining Colonel steps up
and gives us a glimmer of hope and makes it 3-2 with a cool slotted finish. Then just when you think it's all over, Tommy
Findon with a back stick scissor kick (or similar) to take it to 3-3 and penalties. With no pooper left I turned away and hoped
for the best. 5 legends stepped up and slotted the best set of penalties you’re ever going to see in a Semi Final and I went
around for the next 2 weeks telling all my friends and family that I scored the 5th! (sorry Mikey).
What a year lads! Cheers. Numble - VC
Vagina of the year
In association with
In a break from tradition, PureTown has decided to recognise this
season’s biggest vagina with a special EoS dinner poll. Rip off this page,
cast your votes and the winner will pick up a special PVRB, courtesy of
The Colonel.
The Contenders
Mark Thompson
Despite being tremendously Pure, Mark's sore vagina seems to be a recurring
problem that continues to limit his accumulation of caps in PureTown white.
After a first season spent nursing his sore vagina to recovery, he seemed to have
it under control around the turn of the year, but a new outbreak at the back end
of the season saw him voluntarily leave the field on several occasions. All the
pills in the world (some so strong that they can make you sick on the football
field) don't seem to have the desired affect on a matchday.
Odds: 1/6,000,000 F
Gavin Sumner
Having been signed as a tough tackling centre half / midfield general, you'd
think a little bit of sore vagina wouldn't put you off keeping up the tough guy
image. But you're not Gav Sumner, who doesn't go a game without picking up a
knock and asking Chop to come off. He also missed three games mid season for
a sore vagina picked up by sitting for too long at work. You do the math.
Odds: 5/1
Tom Finden
Another new signing determined to prove his pureness to the beauts, Finden
became involved in an ugly game of long passes in an early training session on
the Tolworth grass. One too many kicks saw Tom pick up a nasty vaginal rash and
he missed half the season nursing it back to purity. Never has he been seen
kicking further than 20 yards since.
Odds: 16/1
Luke Marshall
The bear known as Bob is mainly amongst the candidates here just to see how
many people think he is in fact just one giant vagina. Perhaps the rank outsider,
but the Colonel PVRB that beckons could be enough to see Bob over the line.
Odds: 25/1