The modern families issue

HARINGEY BRAN
BRANCH
R
RAN
CH
SUMMER 2015
The modern families issue
Two mothers. Eight questions.
Hands-on parenting
My life as an adoptive mummy
Supporting
S
Su
upporti
uppo
tin
ti
ing
ng yo
yyou
u to become the parent
r yo
rent
yyou
u want to be
© NCT, Alexandra House, Oldham TTerrace, London W3 6NH, Registe
Registered
red charity no 801395
Samuel Alfonso Alvarez-Sturgess
8 weeks old
CONTENTS
CONTENTS
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Regulars
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6
8
32
35
37
39
40
43
44
45
46
Summer 2015
Welcome to Gas & Air
Branch report
In and around Haringey
Birth Story
Rainy days and Mondays
Meet a volunteer
Volunteer vacancies
New volunteers
Placing an advert
Next issue / About NCT
NCTidbits
Useful contacts
Features
14
16
17
19
29
Two mothers. Eight questions.
Hands-on parenting
Bringing up baby... alone
Mummy, Amma and me
My life as an adoptive mummy
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2
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24
25
26
27
28
41
47
48
Active Learning Nurseries
Johanna Green Antenatal & Postnatal
Exercise; Hartbeeps
Maria Montessori Institute
Colourstrings Music Kindergarten
The Big Yellow Self Storage Company
Jojo Maman Bébé
Helen Bartlett Photography
Tali Spink, NLP Coach, Personal Trainer,
Pre-& Postnatal Specialist
Chantry Hall Montessori Nursery
Tiny Swimmers; Park Theatre
London Au Pair and Nanny Agency;
Back to Health Wellness Centre
Kidz Kabin
Bright Horizons
EDITOR’S LETTER
ANTE AND POST NATAL EXERCISE - GOOD FOR YOU. GOOD FOR BABY!
Welcome
To promote:
• Abdominal, neck and back care
• Relaxation and relief of muscle tension
• Pelvic floor care and pelvic stability
• Energy, fitness and health
• Balance and function for everyday life
• Better circulation
• Healthy example to your child, or children
• Better fitness and health of your baby
Personal Training
Ante and Post Natal Alternative Boot Camp
Family Boot Camp
Nordic Walking
FitSteps
Free 15 min Consultation and free Taster Classes
Contact Johanna Green, North London’s Premier Outdoor Exercise Specialist,
Personal Trainer and Lifestyle Coach, on 07931 242358
johanna@johannagreen.com / www.bootcamplondon.org.uk
to the Summer issue of Gas & Air
Family. Now there’s a loaded word, with many a
definition.
So here’s what you probably expected me to say:
families these days are all different shapes and
sizes and collections of different and diverse
people. Especially in our lovely little corner of
London. And you know what? You’ d be
absolutely right.
But before we get into the nitty-gritty of families,
stepfamilies, single-parent and single-sex families,
adopters, carers and the multi-faceted
combinations that make up our changing family
unit, here are a few stats that might surprise you:
-
Single parents make up a quarter of all families with children, and this figure has remained consistent over the last 10 years.* Women account for 91% of lone parents with dependent children.** See page 17 for an article on how single mum Fiona makes her family life run smoothly.
-
Cohabiting couple families grew by 29.7% between 2004 and 2014. This is the fastest growing type of family in the UK.**
Some parents face a whole different set of challenges
and decisions – two local single-sex couples tell us
about life with their children (pages 14 and 19),
and one mum talks us through the emotional
intricacies of the adoption process (page 29).
Families go through their ups and downs, and if
you feel like you’re on the downward spiral, then
see p. 35. However your family is made up, we
hope that NCT can help you. If we aren’t up to the
job, or you’re not getting the help you need, then let
us know. Maybe there’s something we can do to
change, just as families are changing.
So I raise my mug of NCTea to all our Haringey
families. My advice on keeping the modern family
happy? Start some new traditions! Whether it’s
popcorn and a movie on Friday nights (you can
start with Peppa Pig and work up), a kitchen disco
or a Sunday stroll… Just put in the time and your
family will love you for it.
Beth Apple, Editor
gasandair@haringeynct.org
* http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/content/365/Statistics
**Office for National Statistics report: Families and Households, 2014
UPDATE
UPDATE
HARINGEY
Branch report
W
elcome to the summer edition
of Gas and Air. This is my first
edition as Branch Chair and
I’m amazed at how much I
have to report in just a few short months! We
had a very successful Nearly New Sale in March
as well as a damp (!) but fun Easter Egg Hunt in
Finsbury Park. Our Expectant Parent Pub
Nights are continuing to be incredibly popular,
as are our First Aid courses – big thanks to Lucy
and Maria respectively for those. We also held a
very well-attended breastfeeding workshop for
new parents at Pickled Pepper Books in Crouch
End over the Easter break – a time when many
services for parents shut down. More sessions are
planned for the summer so please keep an eye
out for dates.
We are currently planning for our next Nearly
New Sale in June (seller spaces now open) and
our Cheeky Monkeys Tea Party in July. If you’re
interested in getting involved by having a stall,
donating a prize for the raffle or volunteering on
the day we would love to hear from you! We
have a whole new list of members benefits so
please do check out our website for details of all
the lovely local businesses who have got involved
to support the NCT.
6
It is with sadness I have to report that some of
our core team are stepping down. Katie has done
a great job as our NNS bookings coordinator
and is leaving to move south of the river with her
family. Lucy is stepping down after having held
a number of roles within the branch, including
the Chair role and more recently Events and
Nearly New coordinator. Lucy has been a huge
part of the branch but luckily we will still be
seeing her around, including at the next
Expectant Parents Pub Night. Our treasurer
Olivia has also stepped down following the birth
of her second baby – congratulations! We are
lucky to have found our new treasurer Tammy in
an amazingly short space of time so many thanks
to her for joining us. We are hugely grateful for
all the hard work, effort and time they have all
given to the Haringey Branch.
We also welcome a number of new volunteers.
Manuela has taken on the role of PSA link and
Natalie and Kathy have taken on the local
contact roles for Muswell Hill/Alexandra Palace
and Harringay Ladder. Anja and Silvia have
stepped down from their local contact roles and
we of course thank them too for all their hard
work in supporting parents within their areas.
From reviewing just the last few months it is
clear to see how incredibly hard all our
volunteers work to keep the branch – the fourth
biggest in the UK – so successful and thriving.
If you’re interested in volunteering in any way, be
it as part of the core team or lending a hand at
an event, please get in touch!
Lastly, huge congratulations to our very own
Parent Support Coordinator Anne Towler, who
has been shortlisted in the Commendation
category for the NCT Stars Awards 2015. To
have been shortlisted from nearly 500
nominations across the UK is a massive
achievement and we are very proud indeed (but
not at all surprised!) that Anne is one of them.
Well done!
Enjoy our Family issue – if your family give you
enough of a break to put your feet up and have a
read!
Best wishes,
Fiona
Branch@haringeynct.org
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CALENDAR
CALENDAR
IN & AROUND
Upcoming events and activities in Haringey – see nct.org.uk/haringey
or facebook.com/haringeynct for our most up-to-date listings
UPCOMING
HARINGEY NCT
DATES
Summer Nearly New Sale –
Saturday 20th June, Union Church,
Weston Park, N8, 11am – 12 noon,
members from10.30am with a valid
membership card.
NCT Haringey Branch’s Nearly
New Sales have been awarded the
Gold Standard. This accolade
recognises that the branch’s Sales are
among the best in the UK, both in
terms of providing a valuable service
for new and expectant parents and
achieving fantastic fundraising
success for NCT charity.
www.nct.org.uk/branches/haringey/
nearly-new-sales/sellers-information
• Excellent quality baby and children’s clothes upstairs, toys and equipment downstairs all at bargain prices.
•
Clothes, toys and equipment are organised by age/size and style making it easy for you to find what you need
•
Credit and debit cards accepted for purchases of Nearly New items
(50p admin fee).
•
Relax in our café with a homemade cake and a cuppa.
•
All welcome!
Can you offer a few hours of your
time to the NCT charity to help
run the sale on the day, donate a
homemade cake or to set up the
night before?
Volunteers receive free cuppas and
cake, free entry and a sale preview
before the doors open, and it’s lots of
fun. Contact
nearlynew@haringeynct.org to register
your interest in volunteering for us
and to find out more.
Expectant Parents Pub Night Thursday 25th June @ The Old
Dairy, N4 from 8pm
If you’re expecting a baby in July,
August or September (or near
enough!), please come to our
Expectant Parents night at The Old
Dairy (just past Crouch Hill station).
1-3 Crouch Hill, N4 4AP.
http://theolddairyn4.co.uk/ This free
and relaxed social event is a chance
to share a drink with others whose
babies are due around the same time
as you, make new friends and
perhaps exchange contact details.
All welcome, wherever you live,
NCT members or not – friends and
partners very welcome, but also feel
free to come by yourself. Haringey
NCT volunteers Lucy and Fiona
will be there to make sure all goes
smoothly and to answer any
questions about life with a baby in
Haringey.
We will have a reserved area in the
pub, so please do RSVP so we can
8
make sure we have enough space.
Please email Fiona on
events@haringeynct.org.
We also have a private Facebook
group for Mums and Dads of babies
due in July, August or September
2015 so you can post your questions,
rants, worries, joys, tears, chuckles,
suggestions, events, calls for coffee,
park meet ups, walking dates…
anything! So even if you can’t make
the evening, you can still get into
contact with all the other local
parents expecting the same time as
you. Please contact Alice our social
media coordinator if you would like
to join the group or have any
questions about the Facebook group
comms@haringeynct.org
NCT Summer Picnics
We are hosting a series of Summer
picnics across the borough’s parks
during the school holidays in July
and August. Look out for the NCT
balloons! All are welcome, bring a
picnic and a rug.
All picnics are from 11am till 1pm.
Please note that these events will be
cancelled if the weather is wet or
following heavy rain. Please check
our Facebook page or join our yahoo
group to receive latest information
about these events.
Wednesday 29th July – Priory
Park, N8. Hosted by Charlotte
Lary and Alice Tringham. Meet in
the fenced dog free area.
Wednesday 5th August – Highgate
Woods, N10. Hosted by Natalie
Steiner. Meet on grass in front of the
café.
Wednesday 12th August – venue
tbc.
Wednesday 19th August – Cherry
Tree Woods, East Finchley, N2.
Hosted by Kate Shepherd. Meet on
the grass near the unfenced play area.
Wednesday 26th August –
Finsbury Park picnic area, Hosted
by Kathy O’Borne, Meet behind the
café next to the amphitheatre
WEEKLY EVENTS
NCTea @ Blend, N8
Mondays from 11am
Every Monday from 11am till 1pm,
join local parents at the NCTea @
Blend, hosted by Natalie & baby
Phoebe and Charlotte and baby
Diggory.
It’s a great opportunity to meet other
local mums and dads. Blend (www.
localblend.co.uk), is a lovely spacious
cafe on Green Lanes between
Allison and Beresford Roads. It has a
very child-friendly approach, so feel
free to bring along your buggies and
roaming toddlers as well as bumps
and babies. Blend has great coffee,
teas, cakes and a lunch menu, as well
as a play corner with toys and books.
The kind owners, Steve and Linda,
are reserving the big table at the back
for us. You do not need to be an
NCT member, just a parent who
would like to meet up with others.
Contact Harringay@haringeynct.org
for more details.
Padres y Bébés @ Blend, N8
Tuesdays at 11am
This is a Spanish speaking meet-up
for mums and dads interested in
speaking or practising their Spanish
and making new friends. It’s also an
opportunity to support one another
to bring up your children bilingual.
It’s run by Rocio, who originally
comes from Argentina, and has a
two-month-old daughter. For more
information email Rocio at
rociostclairford@gmail.com. Blend is at
587 Green lanes N8 0RG. It’s a
lovely spacious cafe which is very
child-friendly and serves great coffee,
teas, cakes and has a lunch and
breakfast menu.
NCTea @ Maison Blanc, N10
Tuesdays 10.45am – 12.30pm
Please come and join Natalie, baby
Phoebe and other local families for a
coffee and a chat and sample some
of the café’s tempting cakes or even
for a late breakfast or early lunch.
Members and non-members
welcome as are kids of all ages. There
is space for buggies and there are
baby change facilities available. NCT
members get 10% off hot and cold
food from the menu so don’t forget
your membership card. Please
contact Natalie for more details on
muswellhill@haringeynct
NCT Stay and Play @ My Crèche,
N8
Tuesdays 1.45pm – 3.15pm
This free event which is suitable for
under 2’s is held in the wonderful
My Crèche in central Crouch End,
at 143 Crouch Hill London N8
9QH. Bring your little one by for
some playtime, and meet other
parents, too! There is a wide variety
of toys for babies and toddlers, as
well as a large outdoor space, so
plenty to keep everyone entertained.
Please can you we ask you to bring
your baby in a sling or a foldable
buggy. For more details, contact
parentsupport@haringeynct.org and
check out My Crèche
www.mycreche.co.uk My Crèche
provides flexible full day and
hour-by-hour care for children aged
6 weeks to 5, as well as parent &
child activities daily, clubs for older
children before and after school,
evening onsite babysitting, birthday
party packages, and much more!
NCTea @ Delicia, Fortis Green,
N2 9HP
Tuesdays, 2.30 – 4.30pm
Join our host Lisa and other local
parents & babies every Tuesday from
2:30 in this lovely, child-friendly café
on Fortis Green between East
Finchley and Muswell Hill. Delicia
has plenty of sweet and savoury food
options to tempt you in from the
cold, a child-friendly room with
clean changing facilities, plenty of
space for buggies and a toy corner
for toddlers. Email eastfinchley@
haringeynct.org for more info. Bring
your NCT Membership Card for
10% Discount
NCTea @ The Pavilion Café, N22
Wednesdays from 11am (term time
only)
Every Wednesday from 11am, join
local parents at the NCTea @ The
Pavilion Café, Albert Road
Recreation Ground, N22 7XL.
http://psandc.co.uk/cafe/
This event is an excellent
opportunity to meet other families in
the area in the lovely cosy side room
we have reserved inside the café. If
the weather is nice or you are well
wrapped up you can enjoy the
outdoor terrace space too. The
Pavilion Café is very child-friendly
and has ample buggy space and baby
change facilities. This event is open
to all, you do not need to be an NCT
member so come and sample the
lunch menu or some tea and cake…
bumps, babies and toddlers all
welcome! Contact
boundsgreen@haringeynct.org for
further information.
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CALENDAR
Bumps and Babies @ The
Woodman N6
Thursdays from 3.00-4.00pm
414 Archway Road, Highgate, N6
5UA (corner of Muswell Hill Rd
and Archway Rd)
www.the-woodman.com
Please come and join Laura and
Helen and other local parents at this
popular meet up for a relaxed chat
over a cuppa in this central Highgate
pub. Bumps and Babies is an
opportunity for new or expecting
mums (and dads!) to come and meet
other parents in the area for a cup of
coffee and a chat. It can also give you
a chance to discuss any problems and
hopefully solutions too! We meet in
the Sol Room and there are baby
changing facilities available. Please
contact highgate@haringeynct.org for
further information.
NCTea @ Pickled Pepper Books,
N8
Thursdays from 11am
Join us every Thursday morning for a
cuppa and a chat with other local
families at Pickled Pepper Books, 10
Middle Lane, Crouch End N8 8PL
www.pickledpepperbooks.co.uk
Pickled Pepper Books is a fabulous
new children’s bookstore in Crouch
End, offering storytelling, author/
illustrator events, film screenings and
more. We are looking for new hosts
for this popular weekly meet-up.
Hosting an NCTea is a great way to
make new friends and give
something back by being a
welcoming face to new mums and
babies who come along. If you are
interested in hosting or you and
some friends are, please contact
Megan on crouchend@haringeynct.org
for more details. Bring your NCT
Membership Card for £1 Tea and
Coffee
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FORTNIGHTLY EVENTS
MONTHLY EVENTS
Dads and babies meet up @ The
Salisbury, 1 Grand Parade, Green
Lanes, N4 1JX
Every other Saturday 3pm – 5pm
Startup Mums, N8
Are you a local dad interested in
meeting other dads in the area? Why
not join local dads John, father to
baby Aldous and Simon, who has
two daughters, Nancy and Esther for
a drink in Salisbury, and get to meet
other fathers. The Salisbury is a
lovely spacious pub with open fires
and high ceilings, serving great beers
and food. It’s also child-friendly with
unisex baby changing facilities and
high chairs. All are welcome and feel
free to come with or without your
babies/toddlers/buggies. You do not
need to be an NCT member to
attend. A table will be reserved
under the name of ‘Dads NCT meet
up’ .Please contact
harringayladder@haringeynct.org for
more details.
Mamás & Bébés @ Little
Dinosaurs, N22 and other locations
Every other week from 2pm
www.littledinosaurs.co.uk This is a
Spanish-speaking group for mums
and dads who would like to socialise
and make some new playmates for
the little ones. It’s also an
opportunity to share songs and
games from our childhood to
encourage our children to speak
Spanish in a fun and natural way.
Please email Clarisa, a mum from
Spain, on clarisaalonso@hotmail.
com if you want to be included.
Are you a mum who is looking to
grow your business or develop your
great ideas into one? Come along
and meet like-minded mums for
some friendly support, brainstorming
and advice to help inspire you along.
Any questions and to RSVP, email
Crouch End local contact Megan at
crouchend@haringeynct.org.
Book Club, N6
If you would like to read some
interesting books and have a night
out with local mums once a month,
come join Book Club! Please contact
Emma at emmae74@hotmail.com to
get date and location details.
TOOTOOMUMS @
TooTooMoo, 12 Crouch End Hill
(opposite M&S), N8
Every 3rd Tuesday, 10.30am
Saturday 20th June
Join NCT Haringey for our monthly
family get-together and taster
session at Crouch End’s Pan Asian
cafe TOOTOOMOO. All are
welcome to drop in for
complimentary teas and coffee
(quote “NCT”) from 10.30am.
Experience a cookery demo with
master chef Ricky Pang and stay for
lunch and receive 15% off your order.
Babies and young children welcome.
Changing facilities, buggy space and
high chairs available.
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FEATURE
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PUB
Expecting a baby in July, August or September?
Come to a pub night on Thursday, 25 June 2015
from 8pm at The Old Dairy, 1-3 Crouch Hill, N4 4AP
All welcome, wherever you live in Haringey. We’d love
to see you whether you’re new to the area or lived
here for ages, singles, couples, gay, straight, first baby
or more, NCT members or not. Friends and partners
very welcome – do spread the word!
More details on www.haringeynct.org and on Haringey NCT Facebook.
RSVP to events@haringeynct.org
Saturday 4 July in Crouch End.
2 hour courses run at 10am and 2pm
at Project Me in Crouch End, N8 – spaces limited, book now!
£40 per individual or £70 per couple (you don’t need to be a member of NCT).
Supporting you to become the parent you want to be
© NCT, Alexandra House, Oldham Terrace, London W3 6NH, Registered charity no 801395
FEATURE
FEATURE
weren’t able to have them. However, when I took a
blood test to check my suitability as a donor, the
results showed that I actually had low fertility and so
wasn’t able to donate eggs. We decided not to try IUI
first as we had with Jenny’s pregnancy as the success
rate would have been extremely low. Instead, we went
straight for IVF with the same donor we used for
Eliza and I fell pregnant on the third try with our son,
Noah.
2) What were your birth experiences like?
Two mothers.
eight questions.
Local mum Emma from East
Finchley discusses pregnancies,
births and her experiences as
part of a same-sex couple with
wife Jenny and their two children
Eliza, 3 and Noah, 1
1) Tell us about your pregnancies…
Jenny and I decided that she would be the one to carry
our first baby. This was because Jenny is far more
squeamish than I am, and if she saw me giving birth
first, she might not have been so keen to do it herself !
We went through the process of IUI (intrauterine
insemination) with an anonymous donor and were
successful on the fourth attempt, resulting in our first
child, Eliza.
I went through IVF for our second pregnancy. I had
initially wanted to donate my eggs; as a couple, Jenny
and I had needed help to conceive and I wanted to
help other women who were desperate for children but
14
Having been both birth mother and birth partner
with our two children, I can honestly say that being
the birth partner was worse! It’s horrible seeing the
person you love the most in the world being in such a
tremendous amount of pain and not being able to take
it away. Jenny had to have an episiotomy during her
labour which ended with a ventouse delivery. This
resulted in a large amount of blood loss but the doctors
and midwives at UCH were fantastic. We welcomed
Eliza to the world weighing in at a healthy 6lbs 8oz.
My birth experience with Noah resulted in an
emergency caesarean section after an ‘unusually long
latent phase’ …of 132 hours! We went to the hospital
when I was 3cm dilated but they couldn’t detect
Noah’s heartbeat so I was admitted. I had felt him
moving though, so I knew he was fine. When the
doctor eventually called for a Category 1 C-section (I
didn’t know at the time that this meant “immediate
threat to the life of mother or foetus” which was
probably a good thing), we were rushed to theatre and
Noah was delivered just 20 minutes later weighing in
at 7lbs 13oz.
3) What do your children call you both?
I’m from South Africa and over there the term
‘Mommy’ is used, which is what Eliza calls me. The
plan was that Jenny was going to be ‘Mummy’ but
Eliza started using ‘Mamma’ instead. This then
changed to her calling Jenny ‘Honey’ which has now
stuck!
4) How do you deal with media portrayals
of mixed sex couples as the ‘norm’?
It can be a little tricky at times. Now that Eliza is
getting older and watches TV, she asks questions
about characters such as, “Where’s her mummy?” and,
“Who’s her daddy?” However, we’ve actually noticed
that there are lots of families on screen that aren’t
conventional. ‘Beauty and the Beast’ for example,
doesn’t show Belle’s mother and so we just explain to
Eliza that there’s only a daddy. We also have books
which portray same sex parents that the children
really enjoy. My favourite is “The Family Book” by
Todd Parr which is fantastic as it shows a diverse
range of families, with lovely illustrations.
We’ve actually noticed that there
are lots of families on screen that
aren’t conventional
5) Do you have any local
support networks?
There’s a London Gay Parents Group that meets
monthly at Hornsey Vale Community Centre in
Crouch End, so we try and go there when we can. We
also have gay friends who have children. It’s not so
much a support network for us but more for Eliza and
Noah. Jenny’s parents also live not too far away as does
my sister, so we’re lucky to have babysitters on hand!
6) Have you had to deal with any prejudice
as a family?
None at all, which has actually pleasantly surprised us!
Perhaps it’s because of the area and part of London we
live in. We had one encounter on holiday in Brecon
where an elderly couple saw the children and assumed
(correctly) that they were siblings and then thought
that they had made a mistake when they saw Jenny
and I. Once they’d figured it out they were actually
very interested and asked us questions. I’d much rather
people talked to us and asked questions than not ask
and incorrectly assume.
The only niggle I’ve had personally is when people even friends - asked me how it felt to finally be a mum
when I gave birth to Noah. I became a mum when we
had our first child Eliza; neither Jenny or I feel any
difference whatsoever between our children and are
completely equal parents to both.
7) Do you feel the need to have ‘father
figures’ in your family?
I do firmly believe in the saying, ‘It takes a village to
raise a child.’ We don’t feel a particular need to have
father figures as such, but both children have two
godfathers (and two godmothers). We have male
friends, cousins, grandfathers and brothers-in-law. We
have straight male friends and gay male friends. This
may come in useful when Noah is older and we have
to tackle unknown mysteries like shaving and weeing
standing up!
8) Finally, what is your definition of a
family?
I think a family goes beyond who lives in your house.
We attend a Unitarian Church in Stoke Newington,
although I’m originally Christian and Jenny is Jewish.
Both children were christened there and one of the
lines from the ceremonies has always stayed with me:
“We charge you to leave this world a fairer place than
you found it.” I really like this idea and it relates to
being a part of something bigger than yourself.
Jenny and I have a civil partnership which we will be
converting into a marriage in June. Our civil
partnership took place before we had children. Now,
our wedding will be all about us as a family with a
garden party and bouncy castle afterwards for all the
children who will be attending!
15
FEATURE
FEATURE
hands-on
parenting
BRINGING
UP BABY
... ALONE
Find out exactly what changed for
local dad Dave when his daughter
Nia arrived
How did you feel when you were told you were going to be a
father?
How do you feel fatherhood has changed you? Or changed
I felt very nervous at first, and as I sort of figured out what
your life?
was going on, and how to deal with it, I got a bit more excited
Well, I think it’s changed my life massively. I think that now
about the whole situation.
I need to be more responsible, not that I wasn’t very
responsible before, but now that there’s a little person in our
You said ‘what was going on’. In what sense? As the
lives, I have to provide for her and my partner, and I can’t
pregnancy progressed?
afford for anything really to go wrong.
Yes, as the pregnancy progressed – as the bump got bigger!
Were there things that your father did when you were
How was the birth experience for you?
growing up that you would like to do in your parenting?
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was exciting,
My dad was always great at listening, and he was also a great
stressful, tiring, but I think the hospital staff had it
speaker. He really understood what we were going through as
completely under control, and at no stage was I worried that
children, and he’d sit us down and talk to us. But he wasn’t
something would go wrong. Everything went to plan, and I
the most hands-on father; he worked quite a lot of late nights,
wasn’t surprised when my partner gave birth that there were
and he worked all day. When he was around, it was quality
no complications, because the staff were so professional. And
time, and he took us for walks and stuff like that.
my partner was a trooper – a no pain-relief trooper!
So you would like to be a listening type father?
I was going to have to ‘man up’ for
the rest of my life!
16
Yes, but also I’d like to be around more for Nia’s big moments
like school plays and other things she enjoys, whether it’s
sports or drama, ballet or whatever.
And how did you feel when you first saw and held your
Do you feel like you’re hands-on now?
daughter?
Yes, I do feel like I’m hands-on. My partner deals with Nia in
I was very nervous holding her. I don’t think I’d ever held a
the evenings and I deal with Nia most mornings – get up,
very young baby before. I thought she looked like a little fat
feed her, sometimes have a shower with her, while my partner
Buddha. I knew from that moment on my life had changed
gets to have a little sleep-in, and then on weekends we do
and I could never go back. There was a massive sense of relief
stuff together as a family, whether it’s going to the park,
that both my partner and the baby were healthy, and that I
shopping, museums, going out to eat, visiting family – we
was going to have to ‘man up’ for the rest of my life!
really do have ‘family time’.
Muswell Hill mum Fiona recounts
the ups and downs of life as a
single parent
M
y first night as a mother was one of
the saddest of my life. Don’t get me
wrong, I was feeling all the things I
assume other new mums feel
– wonder, exhilaration, exhaustion, joy – but there was
something else overshadowing it all: loneliness. The
postnatal ward that night was filled with the low buzz
of new parents whispering to one another, asking each
other questions, taking photos and sharing their first
night together as parents. I spent the whole night in
silence, staring at my baby with no one to talk to, no
one to comfort me or help me. I had pictured being a
mother a million times but not once did I ever think I
was going to do it alone.
My pregnancy was unplanned; my partner and I were
shocked but pleased and agreed we would be in it
together. However, when I was 13 weeks he told me
he wasn’t ready and it wasn’t what he wanted. I found
myself alone and terrified. The remainder of my
pregnancy was a difficult one; I was diagnosed with
gestational diabetes and suffered sickness the whole
way through. My family were, and still are, incredibly
supportive but I keenly felt the loss of being part of a
couple and being able to share my pregnancy
milestones with the one other person who should have
been feeling as excited, scared and amazed as I was at
the process I was going through. We were in regular
contact so I was imparting information about scans,
appointments and test results but the emotional
support I desperately wanted just wasn’t there.
I keenly felt the loss of being part
of a couple and not being able to
share my pregnancy milestones
After my daughter was born, I learned very quickly
that there was no time for self-pity if I was going to
get through this in one piece. My life became a busy
routine of feeding, changing nappies, washing,
sterilising bottles, cleaning, tidying and everything
else that needed to be done to stay afloat. Advice to
‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ drove me crazy. Should I
have washed up when the baby washed up? Vacuumed
when the baby vacuumed? It was difficult but I was
able to manage it all by thinking two steps ahead all
the time – even small things like making sure I had
the remote control within reach before sitting down to
17
FEATURE
do a feed as I didn’t have that second pair of hands
around to help out. I learned to like cold tea and cook
one-handed. Eventually the practical things became
fairly manageable but what was becoming more and
more evident was the ache I felt whenever my baby did
something funny or weird or amazing. I wanted to
share every tiny detail of it with someone but that
person just wasn’t there.
I realised this could go one of two ways; I could either
continue to feel sad, bitter and lonely or I could get
over myself and start being the type of mum my
daughter could be proud of. Some periods were truly
awful; I would cry as though the world was ending,
not get dressed for days and it would take every ounce
of strength I had just to get a bottle together or put a
load of washing on. In hindsight I realised I was
suffering from severe postnatal depression but I was
good at hiding the signs from people, as I didn’t want
anyone to think I wasn’t coping on my own.
Although my family is a far cry
from the one I had imagined, I
wouldn’t change a thing
Months on, I finally recognised that not only was I
coping on my own, I was doing alright. Actually, I
was pretty bloody good at this motherhood business!
My daughter was healthy, happy and doing brilliantly.
I had started to see the benefits in parenting by myself.
Whilst other mums moaned about their partners not
changing nappies, being rubbish with night feeds and
acting insensitively, I would listen sympathetically all
the while feeling mildly smug about not having those
kinds of issues. Where I had previously been pitied for
my situation, the tables had now turned – I didn’t have
to deal with tension, petty arguments and frustration
18
FEATURE
with someone who I didn’t feel wasn’t helping enough
or was getting on my nerves all the time. I managed
my household independently and successfully, I was
making all the decisions about my daughter’s
upbringing and all the while I was developing more
and more confidence in myself as a parent. I learned to
take pride in the little family I had created. Whereas
before I would feel awkward and humiliated at having
to explain to doctors, health visitors and any other new
people that I was a single parent (one such encounter
with a sweet old lady at a church playgroup now has
me in hysterics when I think back to the look on her
face), I could now say it breezily in passing if it were to
come up, rather than tumble over my own words
trying to explain and excuse myself when someone
asked a question or made an assumption about
my ‘husband’.
Although my family is a far cry from the one I had
imagined I would be a part of at this point in my life, I
now know that I wouldn’t change a thing. The
experience of raising a baby single-handedly has
shown me that I can handle pretty much anything life
has to throw at me. I’ve become more resilient and
brave, and I love being a mum to my funny, clever,
stubborn, beautiful little girl. I don’t feel as though my
daughter and I are any less of a family than the more
conventional ones around. She is loved and doesn’t
want for anything. If you look up definitions of a
family it ranges from ‘two parents and their children
living together as one unit’, to ‘a bunch of people who
hate each other and eat dinner together’! Whilst we
don’t fit in to either of those categories, I don’t think
anyone would claim that we aren’t a family. Who
knows what the future holds; right now I’m enjoying
every second of it being just the two of us and I’m so
very grateful for my small, perfectly formed family.
mummy,
amma
& me
“Our family is a special one, but at the same time not so very
different from others, I’ d expect”.
W
e’re a family full of love, laughter,
hours at the playground and
hopefully not too many toddler
tantrums.
Something slightly different though, is that Benji, (not
his real name) the two-year-old star of our family, has
three parents. Mummy, Amma and Papa.
My lesbian partner and I decided on having a known
donor who will have a close relationship with our little
sweetheart. We wanted Benji to know the person who
had helped shape him into such a unique and
loveable jewel.
When my partner and I arrived in this country some
13 years ago, we knew that someday we wanted a
family of our own. Not necessarily the details of just
how that would happen perhaps, but we wanted to
pass on our love to a little person, and experience the
joy of life through the eyes only a child can expose one
to. I guess I thought we would adopt some day but
never in my wildest dreams did I think I would
experience the incredible journey and sheer joy of
carrying my own.
19
FEATURE
After years of constant list-making, weighing up the
pros and cons of starting a family, we finally took the
plunge, and hey-presto, unbelievably it only took us
two tries! Before we knew it, the pregnancy stick was
positive (all three sticks!) and we were on our way to
parenthood.
Even for the unconventional family, this is pretty
unusual, but for us it is working fantastically. So far,
so good. Having Papa visit one or two weekends a
month means the mummies get an extra lie-in, and
don’t tell me anyone would say no to that!
Crafty types
take note
NCT is now on Pinterest – you can find it
and follow it here:
www.pinterest.com/NCTCharity
My favourite board is ‘Pregnancy Myths’… there’s
a great frogs fact!
Knitting needles at the ready
One of the main aspirations I have for Benji is that he
will grow up with the confidence to be proud of his
family and be equipped to deal with the challenges
that will surely come with it.
Caroline Gardiner says: “I am working as a
Team Leader on the NCT's Breastfeeding
Peer Support Commision in Haringey. As
part of the volunteer peer supporters' resource
packs we provide a knitted breast which they
use to demonstrate hand expression
techniques to new mothers. We are looking
for local volunteers to knit these breasts as
soon as possible. A pattern would be provided
and we can cover the cost of the wool
required.
If you know anyone personally who
would be interested in getting involved with
knitting the breasts for us, then any help
would be much appreciated.
I look forward to
hearing from you.”
Caroline.Gardiner@nct.org.uk
And above all I want him to love life, be kind to
others and appreciate and embrace the strengths of
people’s diversity.”
Things I Wish I’d Known – Top
Tips by Haringey NCT Parents
Seriously though, our son benefits so much from three
loving parents who are absolutely devoted to him.
Of course we have to be realistic and have his best
interests at heart though, so we have a parental
agreement document to see us through those times
when we are perhaps not going through absolute
symmetry, and hopefully any disagreements we have
in the future will be resolved by the ideals we penned
down when we started this journey.
With the help of Haringey parents we have
compiled a fantastic list of top tips covering all
areas of life with a baby, from pregnancy up to
siblings. The document can be found here:
http://www.nct.org.uk/branches/haringey/
how-can-we-help/things-i-wish-i-had-known
20
Maria Montessori School
Hornsey Rise
Dedicated to helping each child lay the best foundation for life
Places Available!
We offer an authentic Montessori education
for children from 2½ to 6 years old
Come to our next Open Day to find out more
Saturday 11 July 2015
10am - 12pm
St Mary’s Church Hall, Ashley Road, N19 3AD
Contact us for further details:
020 7435 3646
schools@mariamontessori.org
www.mariamontessori.org
21
FEATURE
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24
FEATURE
My life as an
adoptive mummy part one
Think childbirth is tricky? Then spare a thought for anyone who’s had
to battle through the adoption process, as Katy describes here…
O
ur road to adoption began when I was
diagnosed with a chronic pain condition
about seven years ago, after a long time
– my whole life – of being unwell and
living with constant pain. I knew that my body couldn’t
take the strains of pregnancy, childbirth or the recovery
afterwards.
We enquired with our local authority and two voluntary
agencies, they sent information packs to read. We liked
the look of one voluntary agency, and arranged a
meeting with one of the social workers, at which we
could discuss adoption and see how we all felt about it.
We also contacted our local authority to go on their
information evening to gain more information from
them.
INTERACTIVE STORY TIME - for crawlers to walkers
“What’s That Noise?” , by bestselling local author Francesca Simon (and other
books) are explored in our dynamic sensory course. Little ones will gain physical,
vocal and cognitive development.
With the aid of sensory materials and exploration we go on a little adventure each week. We use
voice, movement and dramatic play, along with cuddly friends to be part of the story. You’ll be
amazed how much little ones learn from one week to the next.
Time: Fridays 11.00 - 12.00
2015 Dates: May 1 - May 15 , June 5 - July 3, Sept 18- Oct 16, Nov 5- Dec 4
Fee: £6 per session (£30 for the term) - Block of 5 week terms call Niamh at Park Theatre’s box
office 020 7870 6876 to book your class. Clifton Terrace, Finsbury Park N4 3JP www.parktheatre.co.uk
28
We had our meeting with the voluntary agency and met
with the social worker we’d spoken to on the phone,
who would become our social worker for the whole
process although we didn’t know this at the time. She
was warm, welcoming and very informative. We were
nervous and unsure of what we would be asked and
how we would come across. We weren’t prepared for
how personal the questions could get and how open
about ourselves we would have to be. The local authority
evening made us decide that we definitely wanted to go
through the process with the voluntary agency; we felt
we’d get more support; it would be more personal, and
we’d be more comfortable talking about our most
private feelings, experiences and events with them.
So we contacted the voluntary agency and got booked
onto the prep group that started five months later. We
didn’t tell many people what we were doing in case it
went wrong at this early stage. The prep sessions were
about the children we might adopt, why we were
adopting, speaking to adopters and the issues we might
face.
Once the prep groups were over we had to apply to start
the adoption process. The agency asked for my medical
information, this was passed to their medical advisor
who immediately said no to our application because of
my condition. Over the next three months we set about
proving with specialist opinion that I would be ok. It
worked and we finally started the home study. This is
where you meet with your social worker weekly and
discuss your life. The process lasts eight months; it’s very
personal, but very much needed.
29
FEATURE
FEATURE
questions and decide your fate as a family.
I t felt quite weird, like we were
shopping for a child in a catalogue
And there were; well, actually I loved all the children in
the magazine and would have adopted all of them, but
my husband, on the other hand, was the voice of reason.
We made enquiries about a few children but after
gaining further information we felt we didn’t match
them. The agencies have to make sure that the match
will be a permanent one and that you suit the child’s
needs. Then we saw the child that would later become
our son.
Eight months later we went to the adoption panel;
twenty total strangers read a long report about us and
decided on our future as parents. They asked a lot of
questions, I got asked many more questions about my
health. But it went well, and they gave a unanimous yes.
We were so happy and went about looking for our child.
There are a number of ways to find your child: the
adoption register where you can be matched with a
child by an adoption agency; you can send your profile
to adoption agencies; and you can look through
adoption magazines where you can see children that are
looking for a new family. When we first found out
about this it felt quite weird, like we were shopping for
a child in a catalogue. But we realised that it’s a good
way for agencies to find an adoptive family for these
children; we looked forward to receiving the magazine
and seeing whether there were any children in there
that we felt some sort of pull towards.
30
I loved his photo, he looked cheeky and very cute and
his profile description was appealing. He had a number
of health and developmental issues, but we felt we
wanted to know more about him and see whether his
social workers would like our profile. We had to wait
and see what they thought but it didn’t take long. Our
son’s social workers were keen to meet with ours to do a
matching assessment, where they go through a
matching report and assess whether we would fit his
needs. They came back with a very positive match. It
was all getting very exciting and scary all at the same
time; we could actually have a son in the space of a few
months!
Information was passed between the social workers and
we were given some photos and a short video of our
son, which we loved looking at and showed to our
immediate family and close friends. We clung to these
to try and get some form of attachment and to build
feelings for him. This process is a very difficult one – an
emotional rollercoaster – you have to become attached
to a photo and the idea of the child, but you don’t get to
meet them until introductions start and you don’t know
whether that’s going to happen until you’ve been to a
matching panel, where another twenty perfect strangers
read another long report about you, ask lots of
We arranged to visit the house where our son lived to
meet his foster carers, his nursery workers at the nursery
he attended and also his paediatrician. It was a very
overwhelming day and because we’d never met our son
at that point it was difficult to always know what to ask
and how to react to what we were being told. We felt
we had to look overjoyed all the time we were there,
when a lot of the day and the information given was
emotional and daunting. Reality hit us that we were
going to have a child in our house that we didn’t really
know and that we had to build a relationship with. He
could walk and have tantrums, so we were jumping in at
the deep end. A lot of people will say that it’s the same
as having a birth child but it is very different: we were
taking on a child that had already been through a lot of
traumatic experiences, that had a lot of baggage and
issues, that had been moulded by other people and
parented differently to the way we would parent. He
was a child, not a baby. We would go from a house
without children to one with a child rampaging through
it. What a shock to the system!
A lot of people will say that it’s
the same as having a birth child
but it is very different: we were
taking on a child that had already
been through a lot of traumatic
experiences
My husband and I worked hard to be prepared for the
day and for what questions we’d be asked as we’d been
asked so many questions already: what more could they
possibly want to know? The days went past; I got my
work finished and had a leaving party, even though I
had no idea whether I’d actually be leaving for a year! It
was a surreal time.
Eventually the big day came round. It was a quiet
journey, not knowing what the outcome may be. We
were met at the station by the other social workers
involved and taken to the head offices of the council.
Everyone had a nervous energy about them; I was
anxious and worried about what I was going to be
asked. My husband, on the other hand, was so
confident. He wasn’t worried or nervous: he knew it
would all be ok.
We were shown to a little room where we all squeezed
in; the panel coordinator then came in, introduced
herself and explained there were twenty panel members
(eek!), they’d read our report and had questions for our
social workers and for us. The social workers were taken
in first. Occasionally we’d hear laughing and so had our
fingers crossed things were going ok. Then it was our
turn…”
Katy x
Editor’s note: You’ll have to wait until the Autumn edition of Gas & Air to find
out what happened next in Part Two of Katy’s story
For more information about adoption or fostering please visit http://www.baaf.
org.uk/info
So after we had met all of the people in our (hopefully)
soon-to-be son’s life we had to wait for the matching
panel. This was another few weeks away; I had to plan
my year off work in the event that all went well at the
matching panel. It is a really stressful time; you’re
hoping you’re going to be matched legally by the panel,
and planning your work and life and decorating a
nursery around this hope, but on the other hand
knowing that it might not happen.
31
PERSONAL
PERSONAL
A long, long
labour of love –
a birth story
I told my husband my fears and anxieties, feeling guilty that I
wasn’t happy with the Doula. Doula fees are not cheap! But we
agreed that she should go home to give us some space and to
call her when we needed her again. In hindsight we realise we
should have spent more time with our Doula and built a
stronger relationship with her before the labour.
My contractions continued, every twenty minutes or so
throughout the day, and we were happy just the two of us. I
wasn’t very hungry but ate light snacks and my husband made
Local mum Daniela shares the highs and lows of her first birth
I
some delicious avocado and banana smoothies for energy. We
phoned the Doula and diplomatically said we wanted to
continue by ourselves, not really telling her that she made me
loved being pregnant! I relished reading pregnancy
they provide at the Whittington, and I said I would go in every
feel uncomfortable. And so I went another night much like the
books and acquired a small library by my bedside,
day for the baby’s heart rate to be monitored. But they did make
previous. Contractions came on strong again and we thought we
reading about the changes happening to my body, my
me feel like I was being irresponsible. Luckily I had only to wait
were back on track, but by dawn they had slowed again to one
growing baby inside and how to plan for a perfect birth.
another two days for my waters to break naturally.
or two an hour. I was upset and exhausted and beginning to
panic by this stage. I didn’t feel I could continue for much
It helped me feel in control in what was fast becoming
longer. I had been in labour for 48 hours.
something I could see I had little control over. I wanted as
I woke at 4am feeling a bit wet between my legs. There was
natural a birth as possible, in the birth centre if possible, and I
certainly no gushing water as I expected, and it was easy to
had a very long, precise birth plan written.
question if they had broken at all. But contractions started quite
Scared and crying, I called my best friend, a mother of two
quickly, albeit mildly until around midday, when they picked up
herself, and an acupuncturist specialising in fertility. She was a
Despite all my reading, the one thing I couldn’t get to grips with
momentum. Excited was an understatement! Then I started
breath of fresh air coming in that morning and put our minds at
was my fear of the labour. I had downloaded some pregnancy
bleeding so I called the hospital for advice, and they suggested
meditation podcasts and hypnobirthing CDs to listen to every
we go in for a check-up. The midwife said my membranes were
night that gave me some reassurance, but I still struggled with
still intact, which was confusing, so we went home to rest and
the fear.
go with the flow.
40 weeks came and went and I found myself fast approaching
We had hired the services of a Doula so we called her to let her
two weeks past my ‘due date’ (I hadn’t planned for that!). I
know things had begun. In hindsight though, we realised
I continued to have contractions through the night and
believe the E in ‘Estimated Due Date’ is just that – an
having someone else in our home, in our personal space, in the
inevitably my husband needed some rest, which is where the
Clare the obstetrician was another breath of fresh air. She was
estimation, and as the WHO states, normal gestation can range
most intimate of times was not conducive to me feeling relaxed.
Doula’s support steps in. But I found myself shying away from
surprised I had been labouring for so long but rather than push
from 38-42 weeks. I felt that 42 weeks was not overdue, it was
Unfortunately the exact opposite happened; I felt watched. Now
her comfort. She had candles lit and the lights off which rather
me towards an induction she was respectful of my desire to try a
within accepted time limits. I had enjoyed a normal, healthy
if there is one thing to suppress Oxytocin it’s anxiety! I was
than creating a cosy atmosphere it added to my fear of the
little longer for a natural birth. I was deeply disappointed to be
low-risk pregnancy and it was my belief that I was in no way
scared of labouring at night; I worried that my husband would
night. And to my horror, she pulled out her pillow and blanket
told I couldn’t have my baby in the birth centre. Apparently
putting my baby or myself at any harm by letting nature take its
get tired and wouldn’t be there to support me and I felt alone in
and made herself comfy on the sofa for some rest herself. I think
once you are two weeks past your due date, you are classed as
course. I was certain I did not want to be induced. So I found
the darkness.
she presumed I was doing ok, but I wasn’t, the contractions were
high risk and therefore not permitted into the birth centre.
myself having to fight my corner with the antenatal midwives at
hurting and I was feeling very alone. My husband woke at 6am
Clare performed a sweep and we agreed if by 9am the following
the Whittington Hospital, and resist the pressure to be induced.
to find me labouring by myself, and no surprises my
morning things hadn’t progressed we would go in for an
It was difficult and upsetting to have to face that pressure whilst
contractions were becoming less frequent. I had been in labour
induction.
being so heavily pregnant and vulnerable but I trusted myself. I
for 24 hours at this stage.
I was scared of labouring at night;
I worried that my husband would
get tired and wouldn’t be there to
support me
rest with her understanding and soothing care. She reassured us
that it was normal for a first labour to take this long. She put
some needles in my lower leg to kick-start the contractions and
help open my cervix. I called the hospital again to let them
know how I was getting on and they reminded me that I had an
appointment with the obstetrician scheduled.
had already had the complementary sessions of acupuncture
32
33
PERSONAL
Rather than push me towards an
induction, the obstetrician was
respectful of my desire to try a
little longer for a natural birth
FEATURE
I was just about able to move my heavy, numb legs and with the
help of Clare and my husband they manoeuvred me onto all
fours to push. This wasn’t successful so back I went, legs into
stirrups and Clare saying she needed to use a Ventouse to
prevent the baby’s head from slipping back up inside me. She
reassured me she wasn’t pulling on baby’s head, just holding the
baby in place and for me to birth my baby. I will be forever
RAINY DAYS
AND MONDAYS
Postnatal Depression – not just an
illness after birth
Sadly on the third day of labour there was still no sign of baby,
grateful to Clare for her gentle expertise, her good humour to
contractions had been slow and uncomfortable and I hadn’t
keep me positive, her empathy and support, the respect she
managed to get much sleep. I really was exhausted by then and I
showed me, and mostly for helping me birth my baby girl safely,
managed to doze off at about 9am, just when I should have
and skilfully preventing me from tearing. Clare was happy to
been at the hospital. Amazingly Clare phoned us to check
keep the umbilical chord attached for maximum pulse benefit,
where we were and said to my husband to come in when I wake.
and she was a little surprised when I asked to keep my placenta
At 11am we got a taxi to the hospital, Clare did an ultrasound
to have freeze-dried for encapsulation (which in the following
and could see that the baby’s head position was tilted towards
months were of an enormous benefit postnatally, for my milk
it’s shoulder and stuck at my pelvic rim; a presentation called
supply and all-round strength and morale) but she was
W
‘asynclitic’. There was also very little amniotic fluid around the
happy to oblige.
baby, indicating that my water had broken previously as we
hile babies are a special gift and parenting
can offer the most amazing experiences,
the changes that occur with parenthood
can take a lot of adjusting to. The early
years of parenthood can sometimes be an isolating and lonely
At that time a lot of things happened at the same time and in
whole, it destroyed my confidence. I swapped from breast to
bottle, we struggled with teething and we needed to deal with
her being tongue-tied. My hormones were suddenly in total
disaster (weaning off the breast and also getting my period
back), sleepless nights and dealing with NHS and private health
insurance were just too much.
My hormones were suddenly in
total disaster (weaning off the
breast and also getting my period
back)
experience. It can knock our confidence, shake up our sense of
I started to panic as soon as something didn’t work the way I
identity, put a strain on our relationships and play havoc with
wanted it to do. If it wasn’t under my total control I wasn’t able
our emotions. Read one mum’s honest account of her struggle
to deal with it. I refused to accept help as I saw it as more proof
with PND:
that I wasn’t able to handle her.
suspected. I was gutted to hear I was still only 3-4 cm dilated.
The following hours were a haze of euphoria, delight and
To minimise foetal distress any further, Clare recommended a
exhaustion. And I find it difficult to put words to how amazing
“Most pregnant woman read about PND during their
Professionally I work in Finance and enjoying the fact that
Syntocinon induction and an epidural to get things moving. She
an experience it was. Pregnancy and birth, no matter what your
pregnancy. But it is very difficult to imagine how it can affect
there is a rule saying that 1+1 always equals 2. But I now had an
also warned there was a 50/50 chance of needing a Caesarean
experiences are, are a rite of passage.
one’s life. While the baby-blues is fairly common in the days
unpredictable figure (like a baby) in the calculation where I
section. I couldn’t believe I had to face not only intervention
directly after birth and normally goes away after a week or so,
couldn’t predict the outcome.
(there went my ‘plan’ and ideal of having a natural waterbirth
PND is a very serious condition and can make life for a new
with no drugs!), but also the possibility of having a C-section. I
was devastated, but knew there was no alternative. I had done
my best for three days and couldn’t do any more. So within a
few minutes of agreeing to proceed, I had a catheter put in, a
Pregnancy and birth, no matter
what your experiences are, are a
rite of passage
mum very difficult. I was diagnosed with PND 13(!) months
After a crying fit one morning at 6am (she actually slept
after giving birth and this is my story...
through but I couldn’t face an entire day with her on my own)
my husband finally had enough. He tried to convince me to
Unfortunately, being a fairly pessimistic person in general I
take her to the Health Visitor. Unfortunately I didn’t trust the
Syntocinin drip in my hand, pressure stockings on and a heart
knew PND was something I should look out for but when the
one allocated to my GP so I refused to even entertain the idea
monitor attached. I was completely tied to the bed, and so far
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my labour. I
baby-blues appeared and didn’t last more than the normal time
of seeing anybody. I was in total denial. The compromise I made
away from being upright and mobile and free to move as I had
had so many expectations of how it should have gone. I
and wasn’t too difficult to deal with, I thought the danger
with my husband was that our daughter would start nursery
so wanted to be. This was not me ‘breathing out my baby’ like
desperately wanted to have a natural birth and for months
was over.
earlier than planned to give me time for myself.
the YouTube videos!
afterwards when I heard of another mother having a
straightforward natural birth, I would cry. I felt I hadn’t
Little did I know that 8 months later it would start to hit me in
Little did he know that it actually made it worse, not better. I
Then the epidural kicked in and for the first time in three days I
succeeded. I felt that by having needed intervention I hadn’t met
full. My daughter was a fairly uncomplicated baby in the first
now started to feel guilty of putting my needs before hers.
felt no pain. Utter relief! I laid back, dozed on and off, chatted
my own expectations. But I realise now that my labour was the
half year. Yes, we had to battle with colic and silent reflux and
In short, having space and time for me in the next couple of
with my husband, dozed some more, had a two internals to
perfect labour for me – I needed to learn I couldn’t control how
there were days where I thought neither of us would be able to
months didn’t help a bit. I just couldn’t shake off the guilt and
check how dilated I was, then eight hours later I was told it was
my child was to come into this world. And that most
stop crying, but we were able to handle issues. She was a good
the feeling of not being a good mum. Four months and a lot of
time to push. Hooray!!!
importantly, my daughter and I were safe, alive and healthy
sleeper, was developing as she should, so what on earth was
crying later, I was finally ready to accept that self-denial only
owing to the care and skill of the midwives and obstetrician at
happening eight months after her birth…
lasts so long and we saw our GP.
the Whittington Hospital who I cannot thank enough.”
34
35
FEATURE
LOCAL
I knew that medication alone wouldn’t help me out of the dark
they often do it in the beginning. And: you may not see your
hole I was in. So I arranged for counselling sessions as well.
Health Visitor that often, nobody says you have to see them and
Luckily our private health insurance covered a short treatment
home visits are also fairly uncommon nowadays. Especially
period and I was able to see a psychologist very soon. The NHS
when your baby is older you may not want to visit them on a
offers treatment as well, but with all things NHS-related, you
regular basis.
MEET A volunteer
Alice is the Social Media Coordinator,
Web Editor and Membership Coordinator
for NCT Haringey
can imagine the waiting list.
months old when we went to our first NCTea and I met such
lovely people that I wanted to spread the word so that other
people didn’t miss out.
What does the role involve?
For the membership role, I compile mailing lists for our
Don’t be afraid of medication, esp. if you are breastfeeding. Yes,
e-newsletter and Gas & Air Magazine as well as sending out
The consultant actually told me that PND doesn’t always come
there are types that aren’t suitable but you should check and
welcome emails to new members.
straight after birth, it can appear at any time up to two years
make clear what you prefer to take. Medication isn’t solving
later. A change in hormones like stopping to breastfeed or
everything but it can help you feeling more in control and this is
For the website, I keep it up-to-date with all our new events.
taking the pill can be a cause. Both things happened at the time
the first step to find out what the underlying problems are. They
This is the most time-consuming part of what I do, as there are
when I started feeling depressed.
aren’t called “Happy Pills” without reason.
always new groups starting up, events to promote and new
The sessions I had were very difficult and very emotional. It
Don’t hesitate to ask for help, not only medical wise but also
didn’t take the consultant very long to figure out that I was
privately. Often new mums are forgetting how their lives were
trying to be Super-Mummy and only perfection was acceptable.
before the baby and let old hobbies slide. Remember what you
On the social media side, I try to post something every couple
Over a period of four months I was speaking to her and trying
liked to do before you fell pregnant and try to incorporate it
of days to keep it fresh and current. I’m busiest around our
to understand and accept that a child needs a mum who loves
into you new life. Or look for a new interest.”
events such as Cheeky Monkeys Summer Party or the
herself and is happy as much as it needs basic things like food.
Thanks to Manon Rump, NCT Bromley & Chislehurst Branch for
I think you hold the current Haringey record for most roles in
Learning to love myself again was the hardest.
this article
a branch held! How long have you held these roles, and how
people starting in volunteer roles which is fabulous for the
I was trying to be
Super-Mummy and only perfection
was acceptable
branch.
did you get involved?
Is there more you would like to do?
Further information
I started about 18 months ago with the social media role. I spent
Always. I really enjoy editing the website and constantly review
PANDAS Support Group runs every first Friday of the month,
quite a lot of time on Facebook and Twitter while breastfeeding,
the pages to make them more user-friendly.
1-3 at St. Peter le Poer Church Hall, Albion Avenue, Muswell
so thought I could do it for the NCT and feel as though I was
Hill N10 1AQ (£2.50 donation). PANDAS HELPLINE: 0843
being productive. I took on the webpage editor role six months
Do you do other volunteering and paid work? How do you fit
28 98 401
later when the vacancy came up. It was something I was really
it all in?
www.pandasfoundation.org.uk
keen to try as I’d previously done some webpage work.
I work full-time as the mummy to my sons Ivo (2yrs) and Guy
www.pni.org.uk
(4mths). I tend to do most of the web editing and membership
So, what happened in the last two years since the treatment
NCT’s helpline offers practical and emotional support in all
The membership role was offered to me a few months later as by
work in one go, which usually takes about two hours, so I fit it
finished? The depression didn’t just vanish, and especially at first
areas of pregnancy, birth and early parenthood: 0300 330 0700.
then, Lucy (our previous Branch Chair) and Anne (Parent
in a weekend when Ivo is napping and my husband can mind
I could easily tell when my period was on its way, as a couple of
www.nct.org.uk
Support) knew I had a love for spreadsheets!
Guy.
days each month my mood was less than enjoyable. I had to
MIND, a leading mental health charity, has information on
learn to control my urge to put everything ahead of me and
postnatal depression: tel. 0300 123 3393. www.mind.org.uk
Why did you want to help out in these roles in particular?
The social media role is a lot easier to do in pieces, so if I have a
enjoy having a day off – doing nothing more than spending
These roles suit me well. I’m not very good at being in the same
spare minute I’ll post something.
time on the sofa reading novels or going shopping just for me
place at the same time each week, so hosting a tea didn’t appeal
¬– and not venturing into one children’s shop at all.
to me, and event organising isn’t my thing so it’s nice to be able
to help out doing things that I really enjoy.
What is your best piece of advice for new parents?
Go to an NCTea and look at all the great tips on our website
http://www.nct.org.uk/branches/haringey/how-can-we-help/
So, if you think you are suffering from PND what can you do?
36
Christmas Fair promoting the stallholders and sponsors.
The first step is seeing a health professional. Normally Health
Was it important to you to volunteer for NCT?
Visitors are required to do a simple “test” with you, a kind of
After I did my NCT course, I had no idea that there was so
questionnaire to establish if you are suffering. But: if they do it,
much on offer by the branch for new mums. My son was six
things-i-wish-i-had-known
You can contact Alice by emailing her at comms@haringeynct.org
37
LOCAL
LOCAL
nct haringey
shortlisted for
regional
nct star award
W
e are delighted to announce that our
very own Anne Towler, from NCT
Haringey branch has been
nominated for an NCT Star.
Anne has been nominated for the ‘Commendation’
category, which recognises volunteers who have given
exceptional time and effort to their branch. As our
Parent Support Coordinator, Anne has always provided
a brilliant service to parents and NCT volunteers in
Haringey – whether it has involved mentoring,
updating spreadsheets, volunteer recruitment, event
planning or even baking pretty tasty cakes!
The Stratford NCT Stars event takes place on 28 June
where the results will be announced.
NCT Stars Awards recognise and celebrate the
achievement of volunteers dedicated to supporting all
new parents during their First 1,000 Days – from the
start of pregnancy to their child’s second birthday.
The First 1,000 Days is a critical time in the lives of
both parent and child. While becoming a parent is one
of the most exciting and joyful experiences, it is also
38
fraught with enormous challenges. That’s why we want
this life stage to be better recognised and supported.
NCT provides a lifeline in through our network of
volunteers and trained practitioners. Many new parents
find branch events the first opportunity to get out of the
house alone with their new baby.
This is only possible through our network of local
branches across the UK. Volunteers are the backbone of
our charity and all our 300+ branches offer essential
services in their local community thanks to our
volunteers.
Haringey NCT Branch, the fourth largest in the UK,
has a great team of volunteers, who run Nearly New
Sales, host Bumps & Babies groups, create regular
newsletters, bake cakes for fundraisers and take on a
host of other roles.
To find out more about volunteering for NCT
Haringey, contact Fiona at Branch@haringeynct.org
Volunteer vacancies
Events Coordinator
The branch runs several events throughout the year
which include Nearly New sales, Expectant Parent pub
nights, Cheeky Monkey tea parties and the Christmas
Fair.
These events are a very important part of branch
activities as they enable new parents to make friends
and gain support, and in the case of the sales and fairs,
they provide the necessary funds for the branch to
continue.
Responsibilities will vary for each event but you will be
required to source and book locations and venues.
Expectant parent pub nights are held every quarter and
require collating a list of RSVP’s. Nearly new sales will
require recruiting volunteers, allocating tasks, set up of
the sale and managing the sale on the day.
Cheeky monkey tea parties and the Christmas fair are
held once a year and include sourcing and booking
trader stalls and taster sessions for the little ones.
The role is very enjoyable and you have a great bunch of
people to work with who are very happy to get stuck in.
Our events are always well-attended and great fun to
run. You can meet lots of new people and really get a
feel for how the branch works.
This role could be performed by one person or split
between two people – one person taking the
organisation of the Nearly New Sales and one person
handling the organisation of the other events – a great
thing to do with a friend!
Nearly New Sale Booking
Coordinator
The NNS Booking Coordinator runs the Haringey
Nearly New sales, which are held 3 times a year.
The booking coordinator’s role is to manage the
booking process, ensure sellers have all the information
they need and to help on the sale day.
Apart from needing to be available on sale day, it’s a
flexible role. It only takes an hour or two the month
before the sale and can be completed on your schedule
at any time of the day or night.
A home computer and experience with basic Excel is a
must. It is also a great way to meet some fantastic
people that are involved in managing our branch
activities.
Advertising Coordinator
Would you like to be part of the team that ensures that
Gas & Air is delivered to your door every three months?
We are looking for a new advertising contact to manage
annual advertising subscriptions in Gas & Air,
communicate to regular advertisers and other local
businesses about new and ongoing advertising
opportunities in print, online and at our events, and
process delivery of their advertising material. No
previous experience required and it’s an enjoyable way
to help fundraise locally for NCT and get to know
first-hand about relevant local businesses in the area.
If you would like any more info on these roles, please contact
Fiona on branch@haringeynct.org
39
LOCAL
NEW volunteerS
Kathryn O’Borne
Harringay Ladder
local contact
Natalie Steiner
Muswell Hill and
Alexandra Palace
local contact
I moved onto the Harringay Ladder
My daughter, Phoebe, was born last
I moved to Muswell Hill a few years ago
from Hackney five years ago when my
December and I am enjoying meeting
as my husband and I wanted to start a
oldest son, Leo, was five months old.
other parents through NCT and other
family and were attracted to the area due
Having already found friends and
local groups and classes. I grew up in
to its vibrant high street, community
baby-friendly activities through Hackney
East Finchley and Muswell Hill but
spirit and open green spaces. I am
and Islington NCT, I made sure when
returning to the area 15 years later as a
originally from Western Australia where
my second son Oscar was born that we
mum makes me see it through new eyes
I studied Commerce & Finance at
joined the local ladder coffee group.
and I feel really grateful to live in an area
university. I moved to London ten years
train as a Birth and Beyond Practitioner with NCT to be able
of London full of baby-friendly
If you feel passionate about supporting parents, why not join
Since then, I have got to know all the
ago and trained as a chartered
to channel this passion, in order to help others. I’ve really
parks and playgroups in our local area
activities. I’ve benefited from NCT
NCT’s team of Antenatal teachers, Breastfeeding Counsellors
accountant, before moving to the
enjoyed meeting other people who share my passion and
and have discovered a fantastic network
antenatal workshops in Crouch End and
and Postnatal Practitioners.
Cayman Islands for a few years to get
of support for new mums and dads. I
I am enjoying daytime sunshine around
some sun! My little girl, Harper, has just
have just taken over the role of the
Ally Pally, Highgate Woods and Priory
“I did antenatal classes with NCT for my first child and made
turned three months old and I look
Harringay Ladder local contact from
Park. I hope to be able to help out other
friends that I still see now with our subsequent children in tow!
forward to volunteering as branch
I suddenly feel like I can really make a difference to expectant
local parents as well as learn from you.
I had always agreed with what NCT stands for, supporting
Anja. If you have any ideas for events or
treasurer and putting my skills to some
parents – if you have the passion and enthusiasm to become a
groups which might appeal to new or
Are there any groups you’d like to see
mothers through their births and shedding light on the
use during my maternity leave!
Practitioner, don’t delay as there is such an exciting world out
more experienced parents, please e-mail
started? Book or film clubs? Tennis
transition on becoming parents.
Email: treasurer@haringeynct.org
me at harringayladder@haringeynct.org
groups? Babysitting circles? Pub lunches
or nights? If you have any ideas or
questions, please email me at
muswellhill@haringeynct.org
40
Tammy Thomas
Treasurer
Becoming a parent is life changing
interest and being guided through the up-to-date research while
also being given the opportunity to learn independently.
there waiting for you!”
I volunteered for NCT organising the First Aid courses for
NCT College student Serena Macleod
mums in my local area, and soon realised that providing
information about pregnancy, birth and new-borns to those
You too could train for a role supporting parents through their
who need it was a real passion of mine. I therefore decided to
First 1,000 Days. Apply to study today at www.nct.org.uk/study
41
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The deadline for the Autumn issue is 1 August 2015.
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£145 single sheets (max A5)
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42
43
UPCOMING
next
issue
Autumn 2015
Work/life balance
We need your help! The next issue of Gas & Air will
be all about getting the balance right. Have you had
to make major life / work changes as parents? Are you
now a creative entrepreneur with child-friendly
hours? Feeling guilty / happy about staying at home
or going to work? If have a story about work/life
balance, then please email Beth at gasandair@
haringeynct.org by 1st August – we would love to hear
from you!
Would you like to make your
baby a cover star?
In the next issue of Gas & Air we would like to feature
a local baby or toddler on the cover of the magazine
and that means we need your help! Please email a high
resolution picture of your little one, preferably a face
shot, to us at gasandair@haringeynct.org, including his
or her first name, age and where you live (area and
postcode). We will try to feature babies from all around
the borough in the next few issues so you might well be
in with a chance!
Helping you to become the
parent you want to be
The National Childbirth Trust’s purpose is to enable
all parents to have an experience of pregnancy, birth
and early parenthood that enriches their lives and
44
provides a sound foundation for parenthood. The
information in this newsletter is for the use of NCT
members only, in connection with NCT activities,
and may not be used for any commercial purposes.
The conditions of the Data Protection Act may apply.
This newsletter does not necessarily reflect the views
of the NCT nationally, nor of the Haringey Branch,
but rather the views of each individual contributor.
Acceptance of advertisements (including inserts) does
not necessarily constitute endorsement of the
advertiser’s products or services either by the NCT or
by the Haringey Branch.All material included in this
newsletter is copyright of the Haringey Branch
of the NCT™. Consent must be sought from the
editor prior to using any material. Registered charity
no. 801395
NCT has a volunteering
registration system:
An online system has been developed to register
volunteers to provide all the tools, resources and
information they need to carry out their roles.
Members who are volunteers will receive a discount
off their membership, saving them £14 a year.
Members can also update their contact details through
this new system.https://babble.nct.org.
uk/~forms/2ndpart/Volunteer_Registration/
NCT discounts and benefits
We have a whole new range of discounts and benefits
for NCT members in Haringey including cafes, pubs,
health and fitness, haircuts, beauty treatments and
boutiques. All you have to do is show your
membership card to take advantage of the fantastic
offers from our local businesses! Please visit the
Member Benefits page on our website to see details of
all the offers available to NCT members.
NCTidbits
Lone Parents Facebook Group
Raising a child on your own? NCT Haringey has set
up this private Lone Parent Facebook Group to
provide support and friendship for sole parents.
Anyone welcome, whether you have a bump, baby or
a toddler and you don’t need to be an NCT member.
To join the group, please email comms@haringeynct.
org for an invite.
Two Under Two Facebook Group
Are you pregnant again soon after giving birth? Do
you have children close in age? If so, our new
Facebook Group "Two Under Two" is for you. A place
to chat, vent and share your experience and pass on
any tips and tricks you've learned about coping with
two (or more) teenies born close together. This is a
secret Facebook Group to protect your privacy, so we
are free from advertisers and spammers and you can
post without sharing all with your Facebook
Contacts. To join the group please email comms@
haringeynct.org for an invite.
run by Haringey Clinical Commissioning Group
- the NHS organisation that 'buys' NHS services,
including antenatal, maternity, and post natal care, on
behalf of local people.) To pass on feedback or for
more details contact Emma on mslc@haringeynct.org
Emma Dent is the Maternity Services Liaison
Committee (MSLC) representative for local
maternity services from NCT Haringey. This means
she is in a position to convey the views, experiences
and aspirations of local parents and parents-to-be to
NHS decision-makers. Emma would like to hear
from you if you have had particularly good or bad
experiences of local hospital or community maternity
services, and about your thoughts in general on local
maternity services, antenatal and postnatal care.
Please note that Emma will not be in a position to
take up individual complaints with a service but, by
hearing about your experiences, can build up a picture
of what is or is not working locally.
fRONT COVER
runner-up
We need your experiences for our
MSLC Representative
Emma Dent, our MSLC rep, is looking for feedback
- good or bad - on new parents' experiences of local
breastfeeding support services. Do you think you got
adequate support and advice after having your baby,
either in hospital or at home? Could you access NHS
or NCT provided services easily? Are there enough
breastfeeding support groups available locally, at the
right times and in the right places? Have you found
the advice and support provided useful? (The
Maternity Services Liaison Committee (MSLC) is
Phoebe, 6 weeks old
45
CONTACTS
FEATURE
Lone Parents Support Contact
Kika Sussman loneparents@haringeynct.org
N C T C O N TAC T S
Branch Coordinator
Fiona Doyle
Treasurer
Tammy Thomas
branch@haringeynct.org
treasurer@haringeynct.org
Membership Coordinator
Alice Tringham comms@haringeynct.org
Parent Support Coordinator
Anne Towler parentsupport@haringeynct.org
PSA Link
Manuela Trisoglio parentsupport@haringeynct.org
Newsletter Team
Beth Apple, Jordanna Jarrett, Clinton Dos Santos
gasandair@haringeynct.org
Advertising Coordinator
Wendy Chan
advertising@haringeynct.org
Web Editor
Alice Tringham website@haringeynct.org
Social Media Coordinator
Alice Tringham comms@haringeynct.org
Publicity Coordinator
Fiona Doyle Nearly New Sale BOOKING Coordinator
Position Vacant
nearlynew@haringeynct.org
Events Coordinator
Position Vacant
events@haringeynct.org
First Aid Course Coordinator
Maria Bailey
firstaid@haringeynct.org
Antenatal Teacher
020 8883 2209
Kate Shepherd
kbshepherd@btinternet.com
Zoe Solanki
zehooper@hotmail.com
Natalie Misaljevich
natrallym@yahoo.co.uk
Alison Ryan
birthclasses@gmail.com
Beverley Maragh beverleymaragh@rocketmail.com
Class Bookings
Belinda Gubbay
020 8752 2343
bookings5b@nct.org.uk
Maternity Services Liaison
Committee (MSLC) Representative
Emma Dent mslc@haringeynct.org
Caesarean and VBAC Support
Vicky Woodward
cs-vbac@haringeynct.org
Postnatal Leaders
Emma Gilmore
Rebecca Cresswell
emmacgilmore@gmail.com
rrcresswell@btinternet.com
Branch Postnatal Depression Contact
Position vacant
pndsupport@haringeynct.org
46
Breastfeeding Counsellor
Sally Brooks
07909 907681
Ameda Breast Pump Hire
Ardo Medical Ltd
01823 336362
Laura Edwards
edwards_laura@hotmail.co.uk
Local contacts
Alexandra Palace
Natalie Steiner
alexandrapalace@haringeynct.org
Bounds Green
Position vacant
boundsgreen@haringeynct.org
Crouch End
Megan Thomas-Thiede
East Finchley
Naomi Simon
crouchend@haringeynct.org
eastfinchley@haringeynct.org
Harringay Ladder
Kathryn O’Borne
harringayladder@haringeynct.org
Highgate
Johnnie (Rebecca) Johnson
Muswell Hill
Natalie Steiner highgate@haringeynct.org
muswellhill@haringeynct.org
Stroud Green
Gillian Bailey stroudgreen@haringeynct.org
Wood Green
Position vacant woodgreen@haringeynct.org
NCT NUMBERS
Class Bookings
Haringey NCT
Breastfeeding Pregnancy & Birth Early Days
Shared Experiences
General Enquiries
020 8752 2343
0844 243 6151
0300 330 0771
0300 330 0772
0330 330 0773
0300 330 0774
0300 330 0770
USEFUL WEBSITES
www.nct.org.uk/branches/haringey
www.independentmidwives.org.uk
www.doula.org.uk
www.caesarean.org.uk
www.birthchoiceuk.com
www.uk-sands.org
www.apni.org
47
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