Bletchley Bugle

Bletchley
VOL. I...No. 1
Copyright © 2013 Bletchley Bugle
Bletchley, Nov 2013
Bugle
Premier Edition
Bletchley: Today, sunny, a few afternoon clouds, High 77. Tonight,
slightly more humid. Low 65. Tomorrow, sun then clouds. High
81. Yesterday, high 81, low 61.
FREE
Bletchley, Bucks
New Attraction At BP
Issue 3 January 2014
Free
Straight to the point!
Scientists discover
coldest place
on Earth
Bletchley Park Trust launches ‘heritage evictions’
SHOCK AS HUT PRICES
SOAR
Winston Churchill
SEE PAGE 4
A Hopeless Git
~EVICTED
Churchill escorted
from BP
Brandy D. Cantor
Bletchley, Bucks
JAP SUB
FOUND IN
PARKS LAKE
Sir Winston Churchill and President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, two of this centuries greatest wartime leaders have come
back from the grave to condemn CEO Colonel Sanders and Curator Gestapo Lil for their actions at Bletchley Park, both before
and after the Heritage Lottery Fund was awarded. Sir Winston
was quoted as saying, “Never in the history of mankind have
so many been buggered so much by so few. We have been bugSEE PAGE 2
gered on the beaches, we have been buggered in the hills, we
have been buggered in the streets. One day President Roosevelt Winstone Churchill: Former Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill Saluting the management of Bletchley
SEE PAGE
3
told me he was asking publicly
for suggestions
about what this Park Early
war should be called. I said at once, The unnecessary war.”
Former Prime Minister has been given his Marching Orders
FURY AT
MISSING
CAR PARKS
Sir Winston evicted from BP
President Roosevelt said, “ January 17, 2012, is a day that
will live infamy, the day Colonel Sanders was appointed. Vote
him out of office.”
Paige Turner
Fenny Stratford, Bucks
Off the record Sir Winston called Colonel Sanders, “ A hopeless git who has leeched himself to a fool. I think I’m going to
The Bletchley Park Trust is to open its evictions
kill him.”
of its tenants to the public. ‘The general public will
be able to visit what we are calling heritage evictions of our tenants.’ said a spokeswoman. ‘People
will be able to see traditionally
distressed families
~PARKING
evicted from our many picturesque
Car Parks cottages
in place and
working wartime huts set in beautiful rural surbefore last month
oundings, onto green fields, orchards and rollingdowns – hopefully in the dead of winter.’
Bletchley Park: Former home of the WW2 codebreakers and the
birthplace of modern Computing.
The Trust is also promising that the evictions
will preserve traditional ways of ejecting tenantsfrom properties.‘Our bailiffs will dress in historically accurate costume and we hope to seize the
CEO unmoved by double theft at the Home of the Codebreakers
small artifacts of tenants who have rent arrears.
So we shall be preserving the very best of British
eviction,’ the spokeswoman added. The Trust will
open an heritage eviction trail with an enactment
of Sir Winston Churchill being evicted from A
Block.
When questioned over the eviction of the fordisabled
spaces just
dis- “I
By Barry Cade
mer Prime Minister,
CEO Colonel
Sanders
said
It has been reported appeared
knew that
Winston Churchill worked for an insurthat not one but two
ance company,
But
Insurance
companies
andsec-litcar parks
have
been
overnight and
stolen
fromhave
Bletchley
ondly,
the vision,
tennis court
tle nodding
dogs
no place
in my
projPark.
car
park
complete
with
ect Neptune”
Firstly, the mansion
car park, complete with
white lines and several
railings was also then
stolen some days later.
FULL STORY PAGE 4
Page II
The Bletchley Bugle
February 2014
Trust launches ‘heritage evictions’
Paige Turner
Fenny Stratford, Bucks
Winston Churchill
A Hopeless Git
Brandy D. Cantor
Bletchley, Bucks
Sir Winston Churchill and
President Franklin Delano
Roosevelt, two of this centuries
greatest wartime leaders have
come back from the grave to
condemn CEO Colonel Sanders and Curator Gestapo Lil for
their actions at Bletchley Park,
both before and after the Heritage Lottery Fund was awarded. Sir Winston was quoted as
saying, “Never in the history of
mankind have so many been
buggered so much by so few.
We have been buggered on the
beaches, we have been buggered
in the hills, we have been buggered in the streets. One day
President Roosevelt told me he
was asking publicly for suggestions about what this war should
be called. I said at once, The unnecessary war.”
President Roosevelt said, “
January 17, 2012, is a day that
will live infamy, the day Colonel Sanders was appointed. Vote
him out of office.”
Off the record Sir Winston
called Colonel Sanders, “ A
hopeless git who has leeched
himself to a fool. I think I’m going to kill him.”
The Bletchley Park Trust is to
open its evictions of its tenants to
the public. ‘The general public will
be able to visit what we are calling
heritage evictions of our tenants.’
said a spokeswoman. ‘People
will be able to see traditionally
distressed families evicted from
our many picturesque cottages
and working wartime huts set in
beautiful rural suroundings, onto
our beatiful grounds, – hopefully
in the dead of winter.’
The Trust is also promising
that the evictions will preserve
ants from properties.
‘Our bailiffs will dress in historically accurate costume and
we hope to seize the small artifacts of tenants who have rent
arrears.So we shall be preserving
the very best of British eviction,’
the spokeswoman added. The
Winstone Churchill: Former Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill Saluting
the management of Bletchley Park Early this morning
Trust opened an heritage eviction trail last month with an enactment of Sir Winston Churchill
being evicted from A Block.
Photo Chris P. Bacon
Winston Churchill worked for a
well known insurance company,
and has appeared on many television adverts , But Insurance
companies and little nodding
When questioned over the dogs have no place in my vision,
eviction of the former Prime project Neptune”
Minister, CEO Colonel Sanders
said “I was vaguely aware that
Historical Find in Bunker
Harry R. M. Pitts
International Correspondant
Major
Toady
An excavation in Berlin,
Germany, unveiled a secret
room inside
Hitler’s Bunker, decorated
with scores of
motivational
posters.
“The posters range in size
and quantity,” said Dr. Robert Herzog from the University of Berlin, “from the
poster of an eagle soaring
over a mountain range with
the words ‘Dream big’ at the
bottom, to the kitten dangling from a tree branch beneath the phrase ‘Hang in
there, baby.’”
Speculation abounds as
to what purpose the room
held for the former dictator.
“We believe that Hitler used
this room as a way to overcome the hardships of being
a mass-murdering psychopath,” said Bletchley historian Major Toady of the
room covered in posters of
encouraging mantras and
ham-fisted stock photography. “It was his escape-his
fortress of solitude.”
Doctoral candidate Leslie
Metz stitched together a portrait of the fall of the Third
Reich. “It’s easy to picture
the Furor here, crestfallen,
during the final days of the
war,” said Metz, “with him
looking up and seeing the
word ‘Perseverance,’ under
a photo of a vast ocean, and
mustering up the courage to
blow the back of his skull out
for his terrible crimes.”
A number of crude drawings found in a box marked
“Mein sketches” revealed
that Adolf had even tried to
design his own posters. One
depicted a baby seal with the
word “Aryan” scrawled on
the bottom and then crossed
out, as if to suggest that a
different phrase would lend
itself better to the inspiring
photo.
The dig culminated with the
discovery of Hitler’s wastebasket, containing several
discarded posters. “It appears [Hitler] had no interest in posters with themes
that imply accountability,
diversity, or tolerance,” remarked world-renowned
anthropologist Dr. Amanda
Kelley. “With the benefit of
hindsight it’s shocking to see
how insecure the tyrant was
in his own leadership...Well,
no, actually that explains a
lot.”
Bletchley Bugle
Page Number III
NASA photo of Earth’s
most inhospitable
place is Bletchley Park
Management Offices
A NASA photo of
one of the most inhospitable places on earth
was not Mount Everest, but Bletchley Park
Management Offices,
according to officials
this morning.
NASA originally la-
A. Tom Smasher belled the photo “EverScience Editor est from Space” before
eagle-eyed Internet
users spotted an Iceland, KFC and a complete
lack of intelligent life.
“We apologise for this error in captioning our
photo, but we remain behind our assertion that
it’s a photograph from space of a place on our
planet not designed for human habitation.”
“Sure, oxygen levels might be OK – when the
water treatment works aren’t in full swing – and
the temperature might be considered acceptable
by some, but it’s truly one of the most desolate
places on Earth.”
“There’s a reason David Attenborough hasn’t
made a documentary called ‘Park’ – no-one
would want to live there for a year to film it.”
NASA officials claimed that although the
photo was taken by mistake, there is plenty they
can learn from the harsh surroundings of Buckinghamshire’s least welcoming lands.
“We hope to one day explore distant planets,
untouched by civilisation, perhaps with inhabitants that don’t understand us and want to do us
harm – what better way to prepare than a field
trip to Bletchley?”
“What started as a mistake might one day be
essential in our journey to the stars.”
Wartime Discovery
Andy Friese
Raving Reporter
A World War II Japanese TwoMan Sub Found In Bletchley
Park lake
A member of the Bletchley Archaeological & Historical Society has just
announced an unbelievable announcement.
Speaking before the monthly meeting
of the BAHS, Executive Director Mervin
W. Kiddlefuddle, 61, stated that a couple
of scuba divers from Scubaducks, Aylesbury, have told him about the discovery
of a Japanese two-man submarine from
World War II
The two scuba divers identified as
Dante Kaminski and Fletcher Ortega
told The Bugle that they were searching
for old discarded silver when they came
upon the sub which was submerged in
29 feet of water and totally buried in the
lake mud except for the periscope.
Kaminski stated that he and Ortega
knew right away that it was a Japanese
sub because of the Japanese lettering
on the periscope which spelled out the
words Made in Japan.
Meanwhile Major Toady has gotten
into the fray. He has made it abundantly
Hurundi V Bagshi
Oxford
The Park Trust is photographing their
staff at the rear of hut 4, then using the images to create identical, obedient copies.
Colossus Demonstrator Tom Logan blew
the whistle on his former employers after
stumbling on its ‘pod room’ while visiting
the basement of B Block.
Scientists discover
coldest place on Earth
Hairy Seagoon
Wales
nel Sanders office. We walked in and found him
practicing how to cry in front of a mirror.”
Scientists have declared that the
newly discovered black abyss where
Colonel Sanders heart should be is
now officially the coldest place on
earth, having recorded temperatures
of -95.6 Celsius.
“He then asked us if anyone wanted a hug because his PA had been teaching him different
techniques. He went as far as to rub my shoulder in an overly familiar ‘pally’ way but I just felt
very uncomfortable. Once we realised that the
source of this ice-cold temperature was the hole
in Sanders chest it made a lot more sense to us.”
Scientist Albert Whinestein, who led the team
of experts, said: “When the results first came up
as Bletchley, UK, we were flabbergasted.”
“We followed the device and it led us to Colo-
Photo Credit: Aby Apperture
A World War II Japanese two-man submarine being dragged out of the lake
clear that the Secret Service, MI6, MI5,
and GCHQ will all be looking into the
amazing situation and find out exactly
how in the world the World War II,
two-man sub was able to get into the
lake at Bletchley Park. Colonel Sanders
said that he has personally spoken to
the Japanese government and they will
be sending Mr. Hiroki Takanaki, 93, to
Cheltenham
Mr. Takanaki is regarded as the world’s
leading expert on Japanese two-man
submarines in service during World War
II having served aboard three of them.
For Further Reading on the subject of
Japanese two-man submarines during
World War II, read Mr. Takanaki’s definitive book on the subject, titled ‘Turn
Reft At The Righthouse.’
PARK TO REPLACE STAFF WITH DOCILE CLONES
Museum giant Bletchley Park is to
scan faces as part of a plan to murder
Guides and replace them with clones.
These new findings beat the previously declared coldest place on Earth, at the heart of
Antarctica, by over three degrees. The team of
scientists were initially shocked at the satellite’s
findings and sent a small team of experts into
the heart of Buckinghamshire to investigate and
locate the precise spot delivering such abnormally cold readings.
February 2014
The investigative team went on to explain
such extreme temperatures are difficult for
non-scientific people to understand.
They explained, “A temperature this low is
very hard for people with an ounce of sympathy,
humility, kindness or human warmth to contemplate.”
“However, looking at his track record of public
policy and obscene cuts to exhibits, it’s really not
that surprising.”
Logan said: “It was a vast basement full
of transparent cylinders, each containing
what appeared to be a human.
“As I watched in horror, one of the pods
opened and out stepped the goo-coated
clone of a woman who comes in to guide
twice a week.
“Lab-coated Park scientists wiped the
slime off her and she said “Must Guide” in
a weird monotone before marching out.”
A Park spokesman confirmed: “We will
photograph your face and body in our staff
and Volunteers room, use this information
to make a clone using sheep DNA and then
when it’s ready you die in your sleep and it
replaces you.
“There’s no point trying to hide it as noone can stop us.
“We were fed up with the general staff
being unable to follow our simple rules and
techniques without giving the full customer
experience ’. How fucking hard can it be?
“Hence we needed to make a slightly
more bovine version of the staff.”
Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “Bletchley Park is good. Home of the code breakers. Birthplace of modern computing.”.
Fury over Double
Car Park Theft
Loverly Rita
Meter Maid
It has been reported that not
one but two car parks have
been stolen from Bletchley
Park.
Firstly, the mansion car park,
complete with white lines and several disabled spaces just disappeared overnight and secondly, the
tennis court car park complete with
railings was also then stolen some
days later.
The mansion car park was essential for tenants who needed to be
near their offices. It was also important for disabled visitors to be
able to visit the mansion without the
trauma of a long walk from other
car parks. In an interview with one
of the operations managers he was
quoted as saying
‘Sod the visitors, they can go elsewhere.’
Scotland Yard said that a tennis
court would be difficult to ‘fence’.
They have asked that if anyone who
thinks they have information that
may help with their enquiries, to
please ring Whitehall 1212.
Bletchley Bugle
Page IV
Beginner’s
Guide to
German
To facilitate a
better visitor experience, the Park
management have
put into place a
mandetory German class for all
volunteers and
staff.
Nikki Maypole German is a
Education Editor guage spoken
lanby
over 80 million people. There have been many great people
throughout history who have spoken it.
Learning German can allow our visitors
to understand anyone from Wankel to Seimens, from Kahn to Kant. From Bach to the
Fuhrer.
It is an elegant but guttural language,
which is intended to be shouted angrily in
a shrill voice.
One important thing to remember is that
all the verbs come at the end of a sentence,
just like Yoda. For example, if you wanted
to say “This sauerkraut has not been prepared efficiently”, you would actually say
“This sauerkraut efficiently has not been
prepared”.
Or in German: DIESE SAUERKRAUT
EFFIZIENT NICHT BEREIT!!
Shout it yourself and see how it sounds.
We are now ready to begin the lesson. The
possessive in German is given by MEIN,
meaning “my”. The most common sentence
in the whole language uses this.
MEIN HANDTUCH DEUTLICH ICH
HIER ERSTE ZEIGT WAR!
Or in English: my towel clearly indicates
that I was here first.
Please note that the word WAR at the end
of the sentence doesn’t actually mean “war”
in English. It means “was” and is the past
tense of IST.
The word for war is KRIEG, as in the following example:
ICH DIE DEN KRIEG ÜBER WEIß
NICHT SPRECHEN
I hope you are remembering to shout it
out loud. Translation: I don’t know which
war you are talking about. That last example
ontains the letter ß, which is pronounced
like a ‘b’ but pronounced from the back of
the throat like a violent cough. Try this now.
Finally, we come to questions. Questions
are unique in German because the verbs at
the end of the sentence must be shouted
twice. The second shout should be significantly louder than the first. Try this one:
SIE DER NEUE HASSELHOFF RAP-ALBUM HABEN GEHÖRT? HABEN GEHÖRT!!!
By now you should be able to translate it
by yourself, so I will leave out the English.
Congratulations! You can now speak fluent German and are now fully qualified to
give our visitors a world class experience.
Please be warned though, as speaking
German can lead to mindless aggression,
bad taste and a fondness for facial hair.
AUF WEIDERSEHEN!!!
February 2014
Shocking news as hut
prices are on the rise
Bombardier Brownose
Birmingham Post Office
It was confirmed this week that Hut
prices are continuing their unstoppable rise, as estate agent Shackleton’s announced that the price of a
one roomed garden Hut had risen by
150% in the last year. A spokesman
for the company said that demand
was massively exceeding supply.
The rise in prices has been welcomed by
Hut owners but is not good news for everyone. First time buyer Wong Price and his
wife Toohai have been looking for a cheap
Hut for their garden, but were shocked to
discover that it would cost more than their
house was worth. They are now looking to
see if they can rent one instead.
Garden property analyst Yardley Hutterwood said that the problem lay in the housing market. “Until recently, Huts were only
used by people to store their useless crap,
or for husbands to hide their porn stash.
But now they have Hut that old Hutdy
image, we are increasingly seeing that people are choosing to buy a Hut to live in, or
as a long-term investment. This has pushed
up the prices so much that casual Hut users
are no longer able to afford one.” As Huts
become more popular as a place to live,
Photo courtesy of Ashton Kutcher
A World War II Hut can now cost more than a council estate terraced house
there has been a great demand for luxury
versions too. These can contain unexpected
features such as swimming pools, attics and
even four-poster beds. Many owners try to
outdo each other in how luxurious they can
make theirs, inspired by property shows
such as “Load Your Hut”.
There has also been an increase in the
number of people who were offering a “two
for the price of one” Hut - essentially by
cutting it in two and renting both halves
separately. Although this increases the
amount of Huts available for rental, it has
led to numerous court cases due to people
complaining about their half-Hut being too
small. Lawyer Yulgeta Waiwethit famously
defended a Hut owner from a litigant by
saying that although the property was legally too small to house a chicken, there
were no laws defining minimum property
sizes for human habitation.
Some enterprising would-be Hut owners
have had to resort to building their own
Huts, but even they have found that the cost
is not as cheap as expected. Hutterwood
said that there were “Hutloads
TRIP ADVISOR SHAM
Rufus T Firefly
Toddington
ALL the reviews on TripAdvisor have
been written by a single socially-isolated misfit.
41-year-old loner Roy Hobbs has admitted
writing all the reviews ever posted on the consumer website.
He said: “I have a number of hobbies, including collecting Babylon 5 action figures
and spying on my neighbours. But my best
one is TripAdvisor.
From Beyond
“I have never been to a restaurant or stayed
in a hotel so it is nice to play out all the potential scenarios in my head.
“For example, what if the mattresses were
a bit lumpy, or there were some Belgian students having a loud party in the bar until
three in the morning? I would be cross.
“On the other hand, it might be nice with
lovely views and free mints.”
Hobbs added: “I do a technical thing to
make it look like I’m using a different computer every time. Also I vary the spelling from
poor to abysmal.”
Hobbs’s computer hard drive contains over
260,000 made-up reviews varying in tone
from intensely passive-aggressive to nauseatingly fawning.
Hobbs said: “I suppose I am quite lonely,
getting people to choose restaurants based
on my writing is the closest I get to human
interaction.”
Web analyst Emma Bradford said: “He’s
telling the truth. After all, what normal person would even consider writing a review on
TripAdvisor?”
Page V
The Bletchley Bugle
Supreme Court allows
BAHS to dig into Park
leaders’ brains
Horace Rumpole
London
The Bletchley Archaeological & Historical Society (BAHS) has been given
permission by the Supreme Court to dig
into Bletchley Parks Managers’ brains.
Earlier this year, BAHS had launched
a campaign to study the brains of Park
leaders residing in the Three Counties Region and in 146 other villages
in Bognor, Clactonn and Southend on
Sea.
chill, 1st Duke of Marlborough, Prince
of Mindelheim, Prince of Mellenburg,”
the official added.
After digging into Khaps’ brains, ASI
is expecting to establish missing link
between the ancient India and modern Pakistan, along with many other
historically significant artifacts from
Indian subcontinent lost centuries ago.
BAHS is also in discussion with
BHS to declare the managers’s brain a
World Heritage Site.
Explaining the motives, a BAHS offiThe Supreme Court ruling is howcial had then said,
ever a major setback
“Thought process
“Thought process
for Sewage Treatand social approach ment Authority of
and social approach of Manag- of Managers are very England (STAE) as
ers are very much
they had originally
primitive and we much primitive and we opposed BAH’s pegreatly expect to greatly expect to find tition from digging
find remains of
Park Managers’
remains of some lost into
some lost civilizabrains.
civilization if we are
tion if we are permitted to explore.” permitted to explore.”
“This is very unfortunate for enviWhen
asked
ronment, BAHS is
if the digging will be helpful for his- not able to understand the damage it
torians, BAHS official replied in an will cause to the nature. It’s the sewage
instant, “Absolutely, recent series of accumulated in Managers brains from
evidences support our assumptions; centuries old thinking, which is being
after every rape and molestation of Ex- misunderstood as historical heritage.
hibits in the Park when the whole staff They will find nothing but garbage and
hides its face out of shame, these Park then we will have to do tedious work of
leaders come up with historical diktats cleanup to ensure health and hygiene,”
and mandates related to matters like an STAE official pointed out the danvolunteers and expenses, volunteers gers.
drinking coffee, working hours for volunteers, and many other such rulings.
However, BAHS is adamant and is
Something ancient is still alive.”
assessing whether to go ahead and request permission for digging into the
“It remains a modern mystery how brains of some other renowned persons
living organism in today’s era can have including Sanders of Buckinghamshire
such ancient thought process that and some ancient senior leaders in MK,
dates beyond the birth of John Chur- Oxford, Luton, and Watford.
February 2014
FURNITURE REMOVALS
P. Ickfords
London
Rumour has it that removal vans
were seen at Bletchley Park-or were
they?
Certainly some rooms
have been shut, maybe
they are storage areas?The removal of furniture ensures that there
are no chairs left for visitors to sit down. Concern has been raised for
booked groups of visitors
who may need to stand
to eat their lunches,
proved unfounded when
three visitors were seen
sharing one chair that
had been left.
niences!
In the main museum one disabled visitor
had trouble fending off others who obviously wanted to avail themselves of his powered mobility scooter (smuggled in as only
wheelchairs are provided for) since at the
time he was watching
one of the films being
shown ‘I know people
want to sit down to
watch films shown on
TV screens but if they
sit on my knee then I
can’t see them myself’
he remarked.
Outside, on sunny
days visitors can be
seen queuing to use
the few remaining
benches to eat home
prepared picnics,
‘It’s very hard to mop
Photo Chris P. Bacon though concern was
raised when the Auup your gravy when eating the meat and two Unfurnished dining room at the for- tumn gales threatened to blow one
veg supplied’ said one el- mer home of the codebreakers
bench into the lake.
derly gentleman who was
Even the stone steps above the croquet lawn
sharing his chair with his wife.
were pressed into service, and jealous looks
Visitors interviewed expressed relief when were given to the ‘Boat Club’ who are the
they had found one place to sit –the conve- only few people able to use the seating by the
lake, it is out of bounds to visitors.
Volunteers reclassified as Snails
Horace Wimp
Sussex
BP Volunteers are to be reclassified as snails, in a bid to avoid
the jurisdiction of the European
Court of Human Rights.
The removal of BP volunteers from the
species Homo sapiens is part of a Managerial plan to extricate the Park from certain
aspects of the European Union.
if a snail is elderly or disabled, so almost no
one will qualify for seating related benefits,
much as with the current system.”
Ms Hayes, a hairdresser from Lowestoft,
said: “I worry this means I will no longer be
able to enjoy salty snacks, such as peanuts,
without shrivelling up and dying.
“However I understand that most snails
are hermaphrodites and I do like the idea
of being able to copulate with myself.”
Trustee William Scarlett said: “Species is
a pretty subjective thing, and to be honest
‘slow-moving with a slimy sheen’ seems to
describe most of the people one sees in the
supermarket.
“If all of our Voluntarty staff are ostensibly gastropods, the Court of Human Rights
can’t have a say. And if they put together a
Court of Snail Rights we’ll just make everyone a sparrow.”
Frederick Howl supports the policy:
“There will be immense savings in the travel
expenses system. As everyone knows, snails
carry little houses around on their backs, so
are ineligible for travel expenses.”
Photo Chris P. Bacon
Easily Crushed
He continued: “It’s also very difficult to tell
Bagless Bagpipes Weapon
Jack E. Chan
China
A team of the world’s best physicists have
come up with a noise 100 times worse than
bagpipes. The International collaboration of
scientists has been made to work in “lockdown” conditions with Dyson technicians, by
Bill Gates and Stephen Hawkings until they
come up with something not boring.
Recently quoted as having “lost the plot”
due to silly inventions like the Higgs Boson
and Quarks, it looks like the new invention,
dubbed the “Bagophone accoustic weapon”
will win a Nobel Prize for the team before
Summer.
Photo Chris P. Bacon
Contrary to popular beliefs, the brain is expected to be there.
The Bagophone accoustic weapon, a cross
between Ralph Harris’s invention, the Stylophone and Dyson bagless bagpipes is said to
emit such a terrible sound that rats and cockroaches have abandoned buildings where it is
being tried out. Jacobite sympathiser, Alex
Salmon says he is set to adopt it as a National
musical instrument after the planned coup in
the spring.
Page VI
Dear Dottery
I’m going prematurely bald and I am
paranoid that women won’t be able to
see beyond my massive shiny noggin,
glinting in the sunshine. Do you think
anyone will notice if I use a sharpie to
colour it in? How does Wayne Rooney
do it?
F. Buckinghamshire
nDOTTERY SAYS: A school visitor from Y6
has a brother who knows the best friend
of a lady who once saw Coleen Rooney
on the tube, and he told us that apparently the reason Wayne Rooney was
banned for two matches is because he
was caught illegally harvesting the hair
of corpses in order to fashion his new
barnet.
Apparently he started out using belly
button fluff borrowed from the navels of
sex workers, but it just kept sliding off his
bonce and making him look daft in Liverpool nightclubs, so he soon escalated
to grave robbery. One dark night, when
Kai was in bed and Coleen was tanning
her earlobes, Wayne dressed in a black
football strip and sneaked into the cemetary. By the light of the moon he used a
pair of nail scissors to plunder the armpit hair of thirty-seven cadavers, pausing
only to vomit into his football boots. But
it was all worth it, when he could look in
a mirror with pride again and see a man
with bizarre fluffy corpse-hair grinning
back. Unfortunately, Wayne failed to
seek the permission of the Head of FIFA
in advance and therefore he was immediately branded a bad sport and told he
was banned from playing until he had
made an even more magnificent toupee
for Sepp Blatter.
Dear Dottery
One of my so-called ‘friends’ has apparently been slagging me off on Twitter
and I’m not willing to let him get away
with it. The person in question is always
nice as pie when we’re face-to-face but as
soon as he’s online he’s tweeting about
how I don’t know what day of the week
it is. Can you believe his cheek? To make
matters worse, this place only has one
computer which he’s always hogging so
I can never get online to check what he’s
been saying about me. I’ve asked one of
my staff here if I can get access to a laptop but they just smile at me and tell me
to take my medication. How can I stop
this two-faced elderly cyberbitch before
my reputation is ruined forever?
I. Buckinghamshire
nDOTTERY SAYS: It’s at times like this
when you need to forget about social
networking and get back to basics by
having a good old fashioned playground
scrap. Put the word out after morning
meeting that there’s going to be a fight
and by lunchtime you’ll have half the
Parkstanding in a circle in the playground clapping and baying for blood.
Remember to remove your tie and any
valuables such as marbles, pipe cleaners
or conkers so they don’t get lost in the
scramble. As your opening move, grab
your opponent’s jumper and swing
them round several times to disorientate them, following up with a swift and
decisive push to the middle of the back,
The Bletchley Bugle
winding them and sending them flying on to the concrete where they’ll
hopefully get a nasty graze to the hands
and knees. By this point, you’ll need to
make a quick exit, because the woman
from education will have spotted the
fracas, spilled her coffee down her
blouse and be wading angrily through
the crowd towards you. The nearest
hiding place is behind the portacabins where Stacey Diddle takes boys to
show them her pants. With any luck the
teacher will collar someone else or get
distracted by a fox turd on the croquet
lawn and you’ll be free to fight another
day.
Dear Dottery
I’ve been single for a few years now, and
as I’m 35, it’s only a matter of time before
my lady garden closes to the public for
good and my ovaries turn to dust and are
blow away on the wind. So on the advice
of my complacent married friends,
I have reluctantly decided to begin
internet dating in the hope of finding a
suitable husband. Aside from the usual
fears about ending up dismembered in a
wheelie bin, I’m worried that it might all
go wrong and everyone I meet up with
will turn out to be a balding loser. Can
you give me any advice on how to avoid
this?
G. Oxford
nDOTTERY SAYS: Apparently, in the olden
days, there was no such thing as the Internet. In fact, there were no computers
or mobile phones or X-Box 360s either.
I know! Can you even begin to imagine how pointless life must have been
back in the 1980s when the only sources
of entertainment were Australian
soap-operas, the Radio 1 Sunday chart
countdown and Buckaroo? No wonder people went on strike all the time. I
have no idea how people ever managed
to make friends or have a relationship
back then – forget about Facebook, texts
and email – the only viable channels of
communication available to them were
photocopiers and primitive TV remote
controls. So while you’re getting all
whiney about having to resort to Internet dating, just be grateful that you
have that opportunity at all, unlike our
poor mummies and daddies who have
witnessed first hand what it’s like to use
a fountain pen, and whose only hope of
ever finding love was by donning flammable turquoise leisurewear, drinking
half a bottle of Mirage and doing The
Lambada in some smelly nightclub in
Hull.
February 2014
The Bletchley Bugle
Page VII
Classifieds
February 2014
Do you have a classified ad that you would
like to place? Contact the online sales team
www. bugle.com 555-555-5555
PRELOVED
Buckinghamshire Education Authority
Free hardcore/wall blocks
A vacancy has arisen within the Bletchley Park education department for an
Inspirational History
Teacher £38k-48k pa.
From some steps being dismantled, about 50 blocks. Not
breeze blocks, VERY solid and
heavy F blocks! Also some top
stones, all free to collector to
reuse or for hardcore.
01908 640404
Ref: V38F/AH
To inspire the minds of classes of disenfranchised inner city kids to
The beauty of WWII History.
The successful candidate will initially be mocked by hardened teenagers, some of whom wear leather jackets and chew gum in the
classroom. He will be expected to command their respect by the
end of his first term, eventually developing in them a life-enhancing
love of classic WWII battles such as Matapan, Operation Cerberus
and The Battle of the Atlantic by the end of the second.
The appointee will be dismissed unfairly after one Academic year.
TOPSOIL, loose or bagged,
free to collector. Bottomsoil,
very loose, proving impossible
to bag. I will pay you to take
this away. 01908 640404
Applications to room 987, the Mansion, Bletchley Park. REF: DPST/WWF
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful smelly little
bastard. Bites! BOX BP3083
BPT Where everythings about ourselves
Career Oppotunity
FREE PUPPIES. Mother
is a Kennel Club registered
German Shepherd. Father
is a Super Dog, able to leap
tall fences in a single bound.
01908 640404
Bletchley Park Trust is seeking to recruit competant,
committed, self motivated candidates for the following
positions.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
1. Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support
and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be used
to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a complete
lack of awareness regarding arse-covering.
You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel
from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure
customer acceptance and satisfaction.
2. Liar. (Six month contract.)
FOR SALE. Pair of hardly
used dentures only 2 teeth
missing £500 ONO. Call Ira
01908 640408
You will be working our prestigious, high-profile cottage. You must be
able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or
Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually
exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on the
hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale. BOX
Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing “colour” to the successful applicant’s statements.
BP4285
WANTED
BIG CEILING FAN. Top
prices paid for your ceiling. NO
FLOORS. BOX BP4052
RECORDS WANTED . 45s,
78 s, 50 s, 60 s, 70 s. Call
LAST MONTH
OVER
REQUIRED Long word to fill
ugly gap in middle of poem.
Also word to
fill gap in
advertisement. BOX BP4385
4,500
01908 640404
FOR SALE
MILD AMERICAN MUSTARD
GAS Canisters. Great for dispercing rowdy BBQs. In 5ml,
10ml, 2l sizes. Call for prices
01908 640404
If you would like to find out more about joining the team who help keep
Bletchley Park running and provide a fantastic visitor experience, come
to one of our open days on Friday 17 or Saturday 18 January 2014.
I HEART IAIN STANDEN
T-SHIRT. with matching “I
lungs Gllian Mason” string vest
and “I toenails Vikki Warpole”
popsocks. Good condition
considering. £8 marked down
from £150. BOX BP3093
Alternatively, please email: job@bletchleypark.org.uk
yards of
strawberry
bootlaces were
sold through the
pages of
HIGH PITCHED SQUEELING
WARDROBE. £45. Complete
Narnia Hardback box set £6.
Assorted child’s clothes and
toys. £60. Bletchley 640402
FOR SALE. One 65-yearold former MI6 Boss from
the East Surrey area. Distinctive
voice that sounds a bit like
Obi Wan Kenobi
Gargling Piping hot gravy. Has
Brushed up against Angelina
Jolie. £25 ONO. CALL
01908 640404
LOST & FOUND
LOST. Dignity, self-respect,
common sense. If found, please
return to D. Manager, c/o Bad
Piano Lounge Act, Nanaimo BP
LOST. Mind - Last seen before
staff and volunteers. Any information contact BOX BP101