The 10 Commandments The 10 Commandments

Transcription

The 10 Commandments
for a Great Sports Parent
BY
CRAIG SIGL
The 10 Commandments for a Great Sports Parent
About The Mental Toughness Trainer
Craig Sigl is fiercely committed to guiding young
athletes to achieve Mental Toughness and Peak
Performance so that they have a repeatable success
formula for sports and all areas of life. A former
Fortune 500 manager, he has coached and trained
adults and youth for over 30 years.
Craig is the parent of two athletic boys, lives
everything he teaches, and regularly plays his
favorite sports developing new methods. He has
been featured on NBC’s Evening Show on TV,
written about in major newspapers, and interviewed
on numerous radio programs. He has over 2,000
clients all around the world using his programs and
services, but he is most proud when his young athlete clients write an email to him about how the work
has positively changed their life.
Visit: MentalToughnessTrainer.com to read some of
those emails and get more information to give your
child Mental Toughness.
www.MentalToughnessTrainer.com
w MentalToughnessTrainer.com
1
“Mental Toughness is consistently:
pressure.”
This is the basis of my entire work. Peak performance in games and competition will come when
your athlete achieves inner core strength and the
knowledge of how to make that happen. This is
what I teach in my Mental Toughness Trainings.
To find out more, go to Mental Toughness
Academy.
When I first started working with young athletes
to improve their sports performance, I was sure
I was going to be seeing robo-kids like the NFL
football player, Todd Marinovich. I expected
them to be coming in dragged by the ear by
their parents, who were interested in making
millions or getting them a top college scholarship.
To be a great sport’s parent you will need to be
their role model, sounding board, and a loving
presence. Yep, it is just like regular parenting!
For simplicity, I’m just going to use the pronouns
“she” and “her” to refer to all young athletes.
You can make the mental switch, when reading
this for your young man. Here we go...
determined, focused, confident,
resilient and in control under
Happily, I turned out to be wrong! I distinctly
remember one of the parents saying, “Craig,
I don’t care if she wants to be a gold medalist.
I don’t care if she wants to quit. I just want her
to be happy again. Can you help?”
I am pleased to report, the vast majority of
parents come to me with the same mindset.
This was my insipiration for developing my
Online Mental Toughness Training Program , so I
can help kids love playing their sport again.
What I see time and time again, is when the
athlete is happy, their performance skyrockets!
What most young athletes don’t know yet, is
that winning big happens when you create inner
peace and the self-confidence that comes with
that power. Not the other way around!
2
Show and communicate unconditional love,
regardless of performance.
It is critical at this time especially, to connect
and act like the proud parent you are. Notice the
subtle way you may express disappointment or
disapproval – you may not be aware of how
you’re coming across. Kids unconsciously pick
up on this with their highly-sensitive radar system
that is trained on you. Let your athlete guide the
conversation after the competition, with you
holding the intention “you are proud of them no
matter what” in your mind.
Notice - do you talk more when she wins, than
when she loses? Do your facial expressions or
your routine to stop for a celebratory treat on the
way home change?
Most of us parents assume all the driving,
attending games, cheering and spending huge
sums of money should be enough to send the
message of unconditional love and support to
our kids, but to a kid it isn’t enough.
An important opportunity to show your support is
when your child doesn’t perform well for whatever
reason.
If your child senses your disappointment in her
performance in any way, then she is likely to put
more pressure on herself the next time. Her need
to please you, may be the very thing that hurts
her performance in the future!
You want to send the message, she is the same
person, win or lose, whether her performance
was good or bad. It is critical that kids know their
self worth is not tied to winning or losing or a
good or bad performance and it is fundamental
to building mental toughness.
3
Create a safe environment for talking.
Sports gives parents and children
a golden opportunity to connect in
ways they might not otherwise.
You can encourage this connection and openness and it will give
you an opening into her life in
ways you never had before.
The way to start is to let your
athlete know you will not judge
her no matter what she says about
her sport and her participation in it.
You will find kids are usually more
open to talking to you about their
sport and their frustrations than
any other area of their life. It can
give you the “in” to helping them in all the other
areas as well.
The last thing you want is a child who tells you
what she thinks you want to hear, clams up... or
worse does not tell you the truth. This can cause
an internal conflict in your child and definitely
adds to her stress.
So what is the best way to communicate? By
listening...really listening. That means, don’t
interrupt her or offer advice. The best way to
show you are listening is to repeat or rephrase
what you heard . Don’t say, “I know how you
feel,” rather say, “I hear you” or
“I understand what you’re saying.”
You could then ask if she would
like your advice. If she says “no”
you HAVE to back off and respect
her request. If you do this, then
she will be much more likely to
say yes the next time, because
she trusts you!
The hard part for you will be when
your athlete says something you
know darn well is not true or she is
having an obscured perception.
You are going to be tempted to
respond with your TRUTH or telling her she’s
being ridiculous. Many times this will lose her
trust and willingness to be open with you. You are
going to have to take a deep breath and decide
whether or not it is really worth it to “correct” her.
If you do, and the “correction” and your “judgment” of her false idea is not welcome, you risk
closing the communication door.
She will listen and absorb your advice best, when
the doors of communication are open. You will
have to let go of your ego and “better judgment”
at times to do so.
4
Here is a quick dialog to illustrate my point:
Katie: “The other players hate me”
Parent: “Oh, tell me about that”
Katie: “Well, the other girls don’t like me, because
they don’t like the way I sometimes speak up in
our meetings.”
Parent: “Hmmmm....Having the courage to
speak up and then have the other girls be disrespectful to you must be difficult. “ Wait and listen
for a response.
After taking a deep breath you could say “I’m
here to help in any way I can and I’d be glad to
give you my thoughts if you want them.”
Ideally we want our kids to learn to solve these
types of problem on their own. They will do
so more often if they are secure in the knowledge
that they have you as their emotional sounding
board. This builds confidence and self-efficacy.
On a final note, the worst time, although the most
tempting time to give your kids advice is on the
way home from a game! Don’t do it unless they
ask for it.
5
Offer advice only with permission.
confidence and their self-esteem.
Giving corrective advice after a loss, mistake or
poor performance is the worst time for you to
chime in with how they could have done it better.
Instead, wait for her to be in a good mood. The
great thing about this is, you will be asking for
permission at the perfect time when you are most
likely to get a “yes”.
How might you do this? Very simply … the
conversation could go something like this:
What does that mean? Coming to an agreement
or compromise on the rules of engagement between the parties involved. If you are a parent
who rules with authoritarian directives, this may
be tough for you, when it comes to your child and
sports. I’m not here to tell you how to do your
parenting, but to delve deeper into what you just
learned in Commandment #2 – Make Communication with you a Safe Place.
To have an even more powerful impact and influence on your child, you need to get their permission to give them guidance. You may be saying
“no way, no how”, but I think it is important to
keep in mind that your child’s participation in
sports is optional. Yes, I know that some parents
require a child to participate in “something,” but if
the child isn’t into the sport and you force them,
they may ultimately learn things that hurt their
Parent: “So Katie, you know, I just want to tell you
that I felt so proud and happy watching you from
the stands last week. I love seeing you compete
and participate and how you were such a good
sport when....etc.”
Katie: “Thanks Dad.”
Parent: “I wonder if I could ask you something
about your (sport)?
Katie: “What’s that?”
Parent: “Well, you know that I want you to do well
right?”
Katie: “Uh, I guess”
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Parent: “I wanted to know if you would ever want
me to give you help or advice on your game or
would you rather me just cheer you on and let the
coaches do that?”
If Katie says “No” then you need to respect that
at least for the time being. Chances are, even if
she says no, she will still come to you and ask
you for advice at times in the future. You could
leave that door open by offering something like:
Parent: “Ok, well, if you ever DO want my advice,
I’m here for you and will be glad to offer it, but I
will wait for you to ask for it.”
If Katie says, “Yes” then the next thing you should
ask is “When would be the best times for me to
give it to you?”
You, of course, could bypass this whole “permission thing” and just go on giving unsolicited advice, but your brilliance is much more likely to sink
into their inner mind when SHE opens the gateway to it. You’ve got to let go of your ego to do
this. Trust me, most kids will want your advice
eventually and she will feel very loved if you honor
her wishes. That will build her confidence!
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Talk honestly and teach reality.
Ok, you’ve done well in keeping the communication lines
open and you only offer advice
when asked. Great job! You
might still slip into “teaching”
and “advice” mode at times,
but your athlete will probably
give you some slack for having
respected her wishes.
When you do give advice, I really believe you
should do your best to give your athlete your
true perspective and not sugar coat things.
I have worked with kids as young as 9 years old
and believe me, they CAN handle the truth.
Give them the truth about what it takes to
become a gold medalist or professional in their
sport. Provide them with stories (I have stories
on my site if you need some) of what those at the
top of their sport have done to get there. Tell her
OFTEN you believe she can do anything she sets
her mind to do.
Let them know the reality though, that only about
1% of high school athletes get a college scholarships. Tell her it’s OK if she wants to play her
sport just for the fun of it, to hang out with
friends, and you support her in that.
You also need to tell her the truth about how
things are not always “fair” in life in a way that
matches her perception of the
world, not yours. Like times
when she gets chewed out
by her coach and takes it
personally. She may not
understand the underlying
reasons why her coach may be
acting like such a jerk. Explain
to her: “Both parents and
coaches have their own
personal issues that cause them to act irrational
at times and it has nothing to do with you.”
This has been very valuable in my experience
of working with kids in my office. I find I need to
remind then of this concept often and this is how
we protect our child’s confidence. You do not
want her to get the wrong idea that something
is wrong with her, because her coach raised her
voice to her. Coaches are humans and bring their
own “stuff” to their coaching.
Let’s face it, you too may get emotional and
lose it at times. It would be in your child’s best
interest for you to come clean when this happens
and apologize. Scary, I know. Tell her, “It has
nothing to do with you.” Kids really get this
and appreciate it.
So letting them know that playing sports is both
fair and unfair at different times. A bad call, team
politics and who gets to start or who is first team
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can feel very unfair and is all just part of playing
sports. On the other hand, playing sports can be
the most “fair” thing we humans get judged on,
because there are numbers and stats to look at,
at the end of the day. Your merits show through
and are rewarded better than most any other
areas of achievement. Numbers don’t lie and
that’s a good thing for fairness!
On a final note, make sure you think before you
speak and ask yourself “how can I give my child
the most realistic and empowering perspective on
what she’s experiencing right now?” Filter all your
conversations through that and you will just naturally say the right things and be amazed as you
watch her grow as a person and an athlete.
9
Prepare your athlete for difficulty.
lose the big game or make a huge error to have
this discussion. Life is not all roses and trophies
and the kids that are prepared for difficult experiences will thrive with these lessons firmly implanted in their minds. The real beauty is that they
will also use these lessons in other areas of their
life as well.
Use age-appropriate language and stories and
your intuition to guide you to what you think your
child is ready to hear. Remind her that mental
toughness is repeated exposure to difficulty
and then recovering from it.
It is so much easier to have a profound influence
on your young athlete, if you do it proactively
instead of after-the-fact. Since you are now in a
great position of open communication, you want
to take every opportunity you can to introduce
and prepare her for tough situations like losing,
sitting on the bench, not making the team, not
getting a scholarship, needing to go back to the
basics, choking in a clutch situation, etc.
You want to show her how to pre-live difficult
situations in her mind, before they happen and
so she can come out on top by knowing what to
do and how to act. Total preparedness comes
from mentally rehearsing, just like physical
practice, in advance.
Champions win in advance!
You need to bring them up before they happen,
while at the same time not suggesting they will
happen. You can do this by talking about OTHER
people who have experienced these issues and
how they overcame or solved the problem.
Use the tools I’ve taught you, to get across these
ideas with the perspective they are the same
person, win or lose. Don’t wait until they actually
10
Focus on the positive and repeat it often.
Was my mom a perfect parent? Absolutely not,
but she put a lot of energy into teaching my
brother and I that one big lesson that has always
overshadowed whatever she did that was not
so great as a parent. I am going to encourage
you to have a “theme” or an idea that you put
a lot of emphasis on for your child that is totally
empowering and works with your family’s values.
For example, I recently read about Archie
Manning’s family. He brought up 2 successful
NFL Super Bowl quarterbacks and Archie,
himself, was an NFL quarterback in the 80s.
He taught his boys over and over that they should
feel lucky they were brothers and to cherish that
connection and support. To this day, they both
point to that as their secret to success.
When I first got into this field and learned about
how we as parents have such a tremendous
influence over our kids, I had an “uh oh” moment.
I looked back at how I had been parenting and
what I had said and taught my two boys. I started
to get a little worried about what they had learned
from me that I may not have been aware of.
I reflected back to my own experiences as a child
and young athlete and what really stood out for
me was my mom constantly telling me: “You can
do anything you want if you put your mind to it.
I believe in you.” I can still hear her voice in my
head.
The main take away point is to be consistent with
a positive message. You have my permission to
bring this up at any time with your child, without
permission, often and everywhere. Even if she
rolls her eyes when you mention it for the 100th
time.
You are going to make mistakes as a parent.
Accept that and get on with the job of preparing
your child for this game of life by always bringing
your guidance back to the powerful, positive
message that you stand for.
11
You can borrow mine or come up with your own.
When your child reflects that statement or value
back to you in her words or actions, make it a
point to NOTICE it. Tell her how proud you are
and how great that makes you feel to witness her
living that value.
Get creative in finding ways to keep her thinking
positive and focused. Kids can learn the habit of
focusing on the positive and you are just the
person to show them how to do it.
12
Model the behavior you want to see in
your young athlete.
you by your actions than by what you say...
sometimes more!
One of the best actions you can model is
calmness in the face of pressure. In dealing
with young athletes, probably the most common
issue is being anxious before and during an
event. Imagine how powerful it would be for your
child to watch you in the stands acting calm and
collected, when every other parent is screaming
at a bad call. What are you like, right before a
game or while packing for a travel tournament?
Model want you want them to learn.
We have all been told not to scream out directions
or yell at coaches or officials at games, right?
If you didn’t know it, for young athletes, this is as
embarrassing as being seen with you at the mall.
I, myself, have been guilty of yelling advice to my
son through the chain link fence in the past. Trust
me, it does no good and usually hurts rather than
helps their performance.
This doesn’t begin or end on the field or court
either. How you react to tough situations at
home will go a long way toward how your athlete
handles difficulty. Sport is a fabulous place to
practice how they will deal with adversity in real
life and showing her is 10 times more powerful
than telling her.
But let’s take this a step further. If your daughter
sees you cheering on her teammates, she is
more likely to do that herself. If she witnesses a
level-headed conversation with her coach, she is
more likely to follow your lead there too. I believe
this commandment is actually one of the most
powerful ones I teach. Kids learn as much from
Most importantly, kids need to develop ways of
dealing with their difficult emotions and if you wait
until they are in the midst of experiencing one, it
could be too late. This is a big part of my 8-step
Emotional Mastery Process taught in my Mental
Toughness Academy that empowers teens to feel
in control of their lives.
13
How to deal with the coach issue.
her best and worst coaches.
The easiest ways to get your child talking is to:
1. Keep asking open-ended questions that
cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no.”
2. Use a technique that I call “Qtone.” You will
repeat the last couple words or last word of their
sentence and you put a questioning tone on the
end. That gives them a subconscious cue to keep
talking and they do!
Now that you’ve got some of the fundamentals
down, you’re ready for the nitty gritty of being a
great sports parent. There are some excellent
coaches out there and some not-so-good ones
and it will always be like that. Generally, kids look
up to their coach as they do to you and so they
easily get disappointed, when the coach shows
she’s human. Your job is to assist your young
athlete to come up with an understanding of her
coach’s actions that build her self-confidence.
This can be difficult when your child has gone
beyond reasonable thinking and is stewing, stuck,
or wallowing in difficult emotions. At this point it is
hard to have any effect. The best tactic is defense
or prevention.
When the time is right and you have good
rapport, engage her in a conversation about
Qtone works like this:
Katie: “The coach should be starting Jane
instead of Mary.”
Parent: “Instead of Mary?”
Katie: “Well yeah, Mary is OK I guess, but Jane is
so much more reliable out there.”
Parent: “More reliable.”
Katie: “Yep, Jane is always the one who makes
the play and keeps us in the game.”
Parent: “Keeps you in the game?”
You get the picture? You can keep a conversation
going for a long time by doing just this. Sometimes, there will be an uncomfortable pause.
That’s OK, just observe how she handles it and
use your common sense when you think it best
to change it up.
14
Once you get her talking, then slip in some useful
perspectives, but do everything you can to get
your child to think that she came up with the idea.
This kind of conversation will “imply” permission if
you do it right!
I once had a 12-year-old athlete tell me about his
coach and how he hated him. I said: “Hate him?”
and of course, he kept the story going. And then,
at one point, I said: “I wonder if this coach might
be the best thing that could happen to you.”
I have worked with and talked to enough coaches
to know this...you aren’t going to get anywhere in
influencing your coach by being a pain-in-the-butt
parent. That plan never works; just ask any
coach. Definitely be an advocate for your child,
just do it in a way that they will hear and want to
work with you.
Now we get to the fun part! A great sports
parent doesn’t just teach and advocate for their
athlete...a great sports parent is her biggest
cheerleader and fan!
He thought I was crazy, of course, and wanted to
know what I meant. I said, “Well, this coach got
you to come into my office so you can learn mental toughness right? What if you had breezed
through for 4 more years and then got a tough
coach who didn’t see your talent? What if right
before the big game you were so rattled you
choked, right when scouts were there to watch
you? Good thing you are getting this mental
toughness training now!”
He was floored, but it opened up his mind and
from then on was really ready to get to work in
toughening up his mind. You are creating once
again - Exposure and Recovery.
I want to cap this section off with a simple rule for
dealing with coaches. Talk to the coach like you
would talk to one of your child’s respected teachers or counselors. Assume that the coach is a
reasonable person and is just doing her best
(while understanding she has her own personal
issues and biases that she brings to the table, just
like you). Speak directly, politely and respectfully
and if that doesn’t work, find
another coach or program.
15
Encourage competition without pressure.
awesome kid/player/son/daughter.” Cheer as
loud as you can, when your kid does well or her
teammates do well. Constantly keep pumping
them up, especially when they aren’t doing well.
You, of course, want to encourage her competitiveness and that being competitive is awesome.
The great thing about competition is that it gets
you to FEEL things and that is why we do anything! But the big caveat here is that you DO NOT
want to put any more pressure on her to win.
Yes, of course, winning is good and the pursuit of
winning is also good. That’s where it should end
though. If winning becomes the main reason for
playing and competing, that is when the pressure
starts and could lead to all kinds of problems.
For the life of me, I don’t understand where some
parents get the idea that berating their kid for a
poor performance is going to make them a
tougher or better player, much less a stronger
human being. It doesn’t.
You want your athlete to play for the fun of competition...not just to win, right? If the fundamental
joy of playing the game is not there, they will not
have the spirit to practice and compete for the
long haul. You can’t force that!
You always can and should find something
positive to say to your child no matter the
situation.
Ask your athlete why they play the sport and
what they like about it. Before the game, remind
her of those things and that the nervousness is
just really her excitement.
Here are a few starters for you: “I believe in you.”
“I am so proud of you.” “I felt so happy/excited
watching you compete.” “You are just an
In fact, if you think about it, you get the same
heart racing, the same tension, maybe some heat
to the extremities, as she does before the game.
16
Help her realize it is only her thoughts about those
bodily sensations that are difficult or make it difficult to perform.
Assure your child that getting nervous is normal;
everyone gets nervous before a game. It’s struggling against the nerves that makes it worse. Lots
of kids get the idea they HAVE to win or MUST
perform well or they will face rejection or disapproval. This is a critical concept that your child
will blast through in my Mental Toughness Academy
Training Course.
You though, can be the best person in your child’s
life to teach her how to eliminate that pressure.
You could tell stories of your own experiences in
feeling anxious about competition and pushing
through it and being so glad you did. If you need
stories to tell, go to my Website, Facebook page,
and Twitter to read stories of world-class athletes,
who themselves, have overcome great odds and
adversity and then went on to win.
Another way is to go and have some fun WITH
your athlete playing her sport with her. Let her
teach YOU how to do some moves. Model for
her having fun by doing it yourself!
One final thing... Unless you’ve been living in a
closet, you know that there is such a thing as
Home Field Advantage. Yes, IT’S REAL and it exists at the highest levels of sport. I could write a
chapter on this alone, but basically, it’s all about
the energy you send to your child and her team.
Send that energy as a positive intention you hold
for her as often as you can! Give her the home
field advantage even as a visitor.
17
Guide your athlete to bigger thinking.
them expand their world perspective. With
your perspective and larger picture of the world,
it diminishes the importance of any one game or
event and the disappointments and frustrations
they may experience.
I’d like you to consider the differences between
the way a child looks at their life and the way
you do for a moment. Values like: sacrifice,
delayed gratification, accountability, patience
and responsibility could be at the top of the list
that you might want to instill in your child and
sports is the perfect vehicle to make that happen.
Once you have established a good communicative relationship with your teen, you can move her
to the next level of a champion’s mindset by
putting sports participation into a broader perspective.
Having worked with hundreds of young athletes,
I’ve noticed some all too common, limiting thinking patterns. Many of these patterns come from
their having a very narrow perspective of the
world and from what most teens consider
important...i.e., their friends, fitting in, their sport,
school, social media, and keeping parents happy.
To create a winner’s attitude and more importantly
a healthy, happy adult, they need you to help
What you need to remember is your child is in the
process of turning into an adult. Like most teens,
they cannot wait to grow up, to have the freedom
to go where they want and not to be told what
they can and can’t do. Use this desire! It can be
your ticket to getting your teen to start thinking
bigger, longer term, and have a wider perspective
of the world, all of which she will need as she enters the competitive adult world. Tie together your
wanting her to learn maturity, her desire to gain
the freedoms of an adult and her sport as the
teaching example and you can make magic
happen!
You could start off with easy questions like: “How
do you think this one upcoming game will affect
your sporting career? Your choice of college?
Your vocation? See if you can get her to admit
that one game or one choke on the court means
nothing in the grander scheme of life.
18
In my coaching sessions with teens, I have been
subtlety injecting broader perspective questions
into my mental toughness training with surprising
results. I do this by, once again, asking questions.
I might ask them, “What do you think your purpose in life is?” “What do you want your life to
look like after high school and college?” If they
say “I don’t know”, then I come back with a
question like “If you did know, what would it be?”
The key is not to say things like: “It’s time for you
to grow up” or “You need to man up” or “I want
you to take some responsibility.” If you were to
say those phrases out loud to yourself and listen,
you would realize they would not make you want
to open up or listen.
Once you get the conversation going, tie in her
sports participation to some of these bigger
thoughts and let the seeds take root in her mind.
You definitely just want to ask questions and not
judge any of her answers. Remember, the point is
to assist her in creating thinking more like an
adult, in her sport and in life.
I know you can take it from here. The goal is to
create a shift in their thinking. A shift that will
open the door to her thinking about ideas and
things bigger than herself. This kind of thinking
changes the way the mind operates and makes
their dreams a reality. It fuels motivation to succeed beyond what they think they are capable of.
It’s the stuff of champions...
Everyone who goes through my programs and
processes gets this kind of guidance and teaching from me. I would love to see you and your
young athlete join me on my Website, Facebook,
Twitter and Youtube for more big thinking.
We offer a new kind of online training that will help
boost your child’s athletic performance, skyrocket
their confidence, eliminate their fears and frustrations and give them powerful life skills!
To learn more, go to:
MentalToughnessTrainer.com
Articles On Mental Toughness For Youth Athletes
http://bit.ly/YyQsJl
Sample Training Video From Mental Toughness
Membership Site
http://bit.ly/13lG6Qg
(use password sneakpeak)
Craig Sigl
Mental Toughness Trainer
DISCLAIMER
This book is for information purposes only.
No guarantees, warranties or promises are made
to your actual results from reading this ebook.
Craig Sigl is not a doctor or psychologist and
you should consult your licensed health care
practitioner before using any of the information
contained here.
Copyright © 2010 Craig Sigl.
All rights reserved. You may copy and distribute
this ebook freely as long as it is kept intact in it’s
entirety.
In fact, I’d love it if you did!
19

The 10 Commandments The 10 Commandments

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