Summer 08 - Independent Adoption Center

OPEN
Summer 08
ADOPTION
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From the EDITOR
Summer 08
P
eople will often ask me if I ever tire of hearing adoption stories. The answer is
not a clear cut “yes” or “no.” I do tire of hearing adoption stories that end with a
baby or child being taken from a birth family never to reunite. These stories always
involve years and years of unresolved pain for all members of the triad. In fact,
unfortunately, this is my family’s adoption story, and is the reason I am such a
fervent supporter of open adoption and the IAC.
This is not to say that open adoption is without pain. The path is often littered with
much ambiguity and occasionally, as our feature story illustrates, a placement where
a birth family changed their minds. This is always heartbreaking, but it does not
compare to the lifetime of grief and regret that closed adoption has wrought on so
many families, a grief that cannot heal.
As each of the stories in this issue shows open adoption is always about opening
your heart and extending your family in a way that enriches and often surprises
people. And the journey is one that the entire family will embark on. This issue
includes an interview with an older sibling (now 8 1⁄2) who experienced the adoption
process right along with his parents, and his perspective on the both the difficulties
and the joys of that experience.
One of our stories is by Susan Sparling. Susan and her family have adopted two
children through the IAC. She has also been a remarkably active alumni, providing
much needed support to IAC families online, and serving on the IAC’s non-profit
Board of Directors for the last six years. In 2008, she was elected President of the
Board. Her commitment to open adoption is unf lagging, and her story illustrates
that commitment well.
Please enjoy the photos from our annual picnics from all five of our offices as
well as photos from this year’s San Francisco LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and
Transgender) Pride Celebration! You can also find more pictures on our web site
at: http://adoptionhelp.org/news/events.html.
OPEN
ADOPTION
Ann Wrixon, MBA
Executive Director
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
Associate Executive Director
Ann Wrixon EDITOR
Sarah Bryson ART DIRECTOR
Kathleen Silber EDITORIAL BOARD
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS is a publication
of the Independent Adoption Center,
a professional, licensed, nonprofit
agency. Founded in 1982, the IAC is the
largest and one of the oldest fully open
adoption agencies in the U.S.
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San Francisco Office
391 Taylor Blvd., Suite 100
Pleasant Hill, CA 94523
T 925.827.2229
Los Angeles Office
5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 1450
Los Angeles, CA 30045
T 310.215.3180
Indianapolis Office
3774 Lavista Road, Suite 100
Tucker, GA 30084
T 404.321.6900
Atlanta Office
Raleigh Office
184 Wind Chime Court, Suite 101
Raleigh, NC 27615
T 919.676.6288
Learn more about IAC at
www.adoptionhelp.org
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
IAC Annual Picnics
Newest Families
OUR STORY
Odyssey of a Miracle by Susan Sparling
{President of the IAC Board of Directors}
STAFF PROFILE
Jennifer Bliss, PsyD, MSW, LCSW Behind the Scenes
FEATURE
Any use of materials, including
reproduction, modification, distribution
or republication, without the prior written
consent of the Independent Adoption
Center, is prohibited. Copyright 2008.
You will also notice that we are using more and more photographs and for the first
time the newsletter has become a full-color, full-fledged magazine. We welcome
your feedback, and more importantly please send us your photos and your stories
Executive Director
5
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
5162 E Stop 11 Road, Suite 1
Indianapolis, IN 46237
T 317.887.2015
Ann Wrixon
1
3
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS Summer 2008
{ Vol. 25, No. 3} 800-877 OPEN (6736)
Also, in this issue, IAC staff member, Dr. Jennifer Bliss, opens up about her
professional life and her commitment to open adoption, as well as other fun facts
and a really great photo of her flying through the air.
so we can feature your family in a future issue.
CONTENTS
{ page 7}
7 Love is Bigger than Biology
8 Having a Little Brother Makes Me Happy
9 Brody’s Adoption Story
by Julie & Jay Sanders
12
13
15
17
18
19
Interview with Declan Roberts-Sanders
by Julie Roberts-Sanders
Shining Stars How to Feature your family
ADVICE
Protecting Yourself from Adopton Scams
Ask Kathleen, the IAC ’s Resident Expert
by Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
The Difference Between Alleged and Presumed Fathers by Larry Siegel, J.D.
Adoptive Parent Support Groups
SPECIAL SECTION
San Francisco LGBT Pride Celebration 2008
NEWS & EVENTS
IAC Los Angeles Co-Branch Director
The IAC’s
Diane “Angela” Camu showin’
off her shades in Pleasant Hill
ANNUAL
PICNICS
Susan & Toby Hodne w/ Geremy (son of LA Branch
Co-Director Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer) as Barney in LA
Every year each of the five IAC offices holds a picnic to celebrate the adoptions of their clients, which also
alows peole to get together and talk about their experiences. There is no better time to visit with friends,
reunite people, and watch children grow up. Beside all of that, it’s just a whole bunch of fun! Look for
invitations to come in spring 2009.
Ellie, Klara, Milagros, & Meredith enjoying the
day’s entertainment at North Carolina’s Picnic.
Katy
Plunkett
of
Indiana
dazzles
the crowd
with her
butterfly
eyes
Zoe Decker smiles for the camera in Georgia
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Families Not Pictured
Bart & Erin Barisano
Ron & Barbara Byrum
Mark & Teresa Thomas
David Oliker & Cheryl Fujii
James & Michelle Jongkind
John & Ellen Cater
Ken & Cindy Drucker
Thomas Hicks & Juliet Lener
Jim Crawford & Brooks Egerton
Quincie Melville
Randy Arichea & Stephen Brown
Robert & Leslie Lacko-Cave
Scott & Rachael Doudrick
Jeffrey Pad ia & Annette Fuero-Padia
Andrew & Kristen Duffy
Bran Scott & Elane O’Rourke
Dan & LeeAnn Neill
Francois & Brigid Hedouin
Amon & Anjeanette Emeka
Mark & Brigitte Lebsock
Philip & Karen Gross
Mark & Danica Maritzer
Steven & Erin Ohl
Tony & Traci Pirri
Matthew & Allison McNeill
Paul & Tracey Campbell
Chris & Rebecca Dunn
Chris & Andrea Ar nold
Manny & Marie Aja-Hererra
Brooks Egerton & Jim Crawford
Michael & Jennifer Gonyea
Newest
3
3
Families
4
www.adoptionhelp.org
4
Odyssey of
aWish
Staff Profile
Our Story
by Susan Sparling
Susan Sparling has adopted twice
through the IAC. She has also served
on the IAC’s non-profit Board of
Directors for six years, and in 2008
was elected President of the Board.
The following is the story of how her
family grew through open adoption.
Sparling Family
Dylan & Alexis
WHICH HISTORICAL FIGURE HAS LEFT A DEEP IMPRESSION ON
YOU AND WHY?
Jennifer
“ You are never given a wish
without also being given the
power to make it come true. You
may have to work for it, however.”
Our family understands this quote very well. We are a
blended family; Eric and I married when Lauren was seven
(my bio daughter) – and with that, we began our odyssey
to build our family. Following many miscarriages, we
moved on to adoption and with Internet searches in the
late 90’s, found the IAC, amazed to realize that we could
adopt, although I was clearly not a “young mother.” Our
wait for Dylan was exactly nine months from the day our
homestudy cleared until he was in our arms. Although
the match was last minute, we’ve gone on to develop
a wonderfully open adoption with Dylan’s extended
birthfamily, including sharing his birthgrandmother’s
wedding in England several years ago. Eventually, another
dream formed and we hoped for a third child. Over two
dozen contacts in two years, several scams, two matches
and a wonderfully successful match later, Alexis was
born, our dream again fulfilled. We also enjoy an open
relationship with her extended birthfamily of eight full
siblings and both birthparents. I can recall that in March
’06 when we’d finished our last post-adoption meeting, it
hit me that our family felt complete.
I’m a university department director and academic
advisor at Cal Poly State University with programs that
assist low-income, first-generation college students to
excel academically and also provide extensive accelerated
learning labs in math and science. My husband, Eric, is
a software engineer at the same university. We’ve both
become deeply committed to open adoption during the
time we were focused on growing our family. We have three
children now (I still love writing that), including Lauren (22
and a senior at San Francisco State University, majoring
in Fashion Merchandising and working full time in
her field), Dylan (11 and a 5th grader, proficient with
anything electronic and anything artistic, especially
intrigued by fashion design) and Ale xis, our wonder-
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Helen Keller, I can’t imagine having more difficult odds to overcome,
and how she achieved success as a scholar, writer, and a leader. It
is nothing short of amazing.
BLISS,
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE?
IAC Co-Branch
Director, LA,CA
WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU HAD INVENTED?
“Twenty Years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things
you didn’t do than by the ones you did.” - Mark Twain
WHY DO YOU LIKE LIVING IN LA?
PsyD, MSW, LCSW
Because my mom would hunt me down if I tried to move away.
Pinkberry (“Pinkberry is a “frozen yogurt reinvented to create an
expereince that indulges the senses.”)
PROVIDE US WITH AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT JEN.
I have always had a bit of an industrial streak. When I was five
and my parents told me I was going on an airplane, I decided to
‘write’ a book to sell during the flight. I ‘published’ “Elsa Makes
a Friend” at my dad’s office using his copier and stapler and on
the plane, I walked up and down the aisles asking people if they
wanted to buy my book for 25 cents. Future endeavors over the
years included a tie-die business and “Barney” Birthday parties.
(Yes, I wore a big purple suit!)
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WITH THE IAC?
It will be 4 years this September
Susan with Dylan & Alexis
child (2 years old, a
demanding little princess
and assertive toddler
in her own right). I
care a great deal that
others who dream of
being parents have the
tools and access to the
adoption paths that are
right for them. I hope
I always remember the
feeling that slammed into
my heart when I heard
that an expectant mother
was waiting to talk with
us. Those calls changed
our family – and my
dreams – fore ver.
WHAT ARE YOUR CHIEF RESPONSIBILITIES AT THE IAC?
I run the Southern California office with my Co-Branch Director,
Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer. I am also the National Associate
Counseling Director, which is a new role at IAC. Over time I will be
developing and implementing a professional development program
for our counseling staff and be making regular visits to all the branch
offices to provide skills training and support. I have also started
implementing focus topics for monthly support groups to educate
adoptive parents on the universal issues involved in adoption.
WHY DO YOU WORK IN THIS FIELD?
When I was little, instead of playing “House,” I made my little brothers
play “Orphanage” with me. So I guess you could say it was always
in the cards.
WHERE DID YOU GROW UP?
Agoura Hills, CA. It’s a small community about forty-five minutes
north of Los Angeles.
Top left - Jennifer with
Kim & Tim Foley with
their daughter Grace
Ann Foley
WHAT COLLEGE(S) DID YOU ATTEND? DEGREE(S)?
I earned a BA in Psychology and a BS in Education at the University
of Southern California. I then went to UCLA for my Masters in Social
Welfare, and a few years later, attended Ryokan College for my
Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. (If it paid, I’d be a professional
student)
Top right - Jennifer &
her brothers Michael &
Jeremy
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?
I’ve participated on the IAC
Board for six years and
appreciate the opportunity to
give back a little of the support
we were provided by the IAC
during our adoption journeys.
I recently finished Emily Giffin’s series “Something Borrowed” and
“Something Blue.” So good, but dangerously addictive.“Something
Borrowed” kept me up till 5am; some things you just HAVE to find out!
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Bottom- Jennifer with
Guylaine HubbardBrosmer, PHD, MSW
(Co-Branch Director of
the IAC of Los Angeles &
client, baby Emily Klat.
Love Is
Bigger
Than
Biology
Parenting A Biological Child And An Adopted Child
By Julie Roberts-Sanders & Jay Sanders
Declan
&
Brody
Sanders
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Feature Article
We have been asked what it is
like to have a biological and an
adopted child. Some have been
bold enough to ask us if we are able
to love our adopted child (Brody)
as much as we love our biological
child (Declan). Actually, we have all
benefited by becoming an adoptive
family, and our love has grown.
Couples who get pregnant with
their second child often wonder if
they will be able to love the new baby
the way they did their first. They
are relieved to discover that loving a
new little one comes very naturally.
We feel the same way about Brody.
Everything that went into his adoption
was our emotional pregnancy. Our
bonding process actually began long
before he was even conceived! Our
attachment to him was extremely
immediate and powerful.
Although it is amazing to have
a genetic connection with a child,
biology is often over-emphasized.
In marriage, we are in love but are
not biologically related. Declan has
a genetic link to his parents, but
all three of the rest of us have no
biological connection to each other.
In that way, Declan is the unusual
one! Each child has a unique way in
which he joined our family. Because
of that, we hope they will always
know that love is bigger than
biology. We have already seen an
impact on Declan. He is open about
who he calls family, including
close friends in that inner circle. His
understanding of family connection
is not limited by genetics; it is about
a state of the heart.
Although most agree that
children are miraculous gifts, it
was easier for us to lose sight of
that with our biological child. With
Brody, we are consciously aware
that we are not entitled to him,
nor did we earn him; he is clearly
a gift to us. That knowledge has
helped us more fully embrace
both of our children as gifts,
letting go of our expectations and
delighting in their uniqueness. Our
love has become more open, honest
and pure. Ironically, through
loving Brody, we are able to more
self lessly love Declan as well!
W
Feature Interview
Having a
Little Brother
Makes me Happy
By Declan Roberts -Sanders
DID YOU WANT TO HAVE A BROTHER OR SISTER?
Yes, I did because it is nice to have company
around the house...some of the time. I had it best
because I was an only child for seven years and
had my parents to myself. Now, I get to have a
baby brother. So, I got to get used to the parents,
and now I’m getting used to my brother.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT
MEANS TO ADOPT A CHILD?
To adopt a child means to get a
child that the birthfamily can’t
have because they already
have more children or they can’t
handle one. You get to have a
baby and keep him.
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST
MEMORY OF ADOPTION?
We had to take a lot of pictures,
and it was so stressful. We took
them over and over, and my
mom and dad got mad at me.
The very first picture came out
the best. Then, we had to write
a lot of letters, and I got 5 cents
for each one I signed.
HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT
THE FACT THAT YOUR
MOM AND DAD WANTED TO
ADOPT A BABY?
It felt nice that I was going to
have a brother and that I’d have
more company. It was sort of
hard because it was my first time
doing it. I didn’t really know what
my parents were doing and why
they were doing it.
WHAT DID YOU LIKE ABOUT ADOPTION?
I liked meeting new friendly people who worked
for adoption and two nice birthfamilies. Eliza had a
fun personality, and she liked the Cincinnati Reds,
just like me. Zachary and Zander (Mandy’s boys)
are really nice, fun kids, and I like having them as
brothers, too. I really liked holding Brody for the
first time, and I liked the ‘big brother’ gift that
he gave me.
WHAT WAS HARD ABOUT ADOPTION?
My hand really hurt when I signed all the
letters...again and again. I did not know what my
parents were doing some of the time. And, it was
really hard not getting the first baby.
HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH NOT
KEEPING THE FIRST BABY?
When they told me, I hid in my bed. I didn’t want
to hear it. I just kept telling myself that “it’s life,
it’s life, it’s life” and “some bad things happen in
life.” My parents helped me by telling me that it
wasn’t my fault and Eliza said she still loved me. It
was sort of stressful going back to school because
I didn’t want to tell everyone, so my dad told my
teacher and she told the class for me. My teacher
cried and hugged me. The summer was kind of
hard. I didn’t want be away from my mom.
HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PARENTS
MATCHED WITH ANOTHER BIRTHMOTHER?
I kept telling myself “hallelujah!” I hoped we were
going to find the real Brody.
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HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
IT NOW THAT YOU HAVE
YOUR BROTHER, BRODY?
Having a brother makes me
happy. I love him because he is
enthusiastic and loving. It is fun
how he learns bit after bit after
bit. He thinks I am the best in
the whole universe, and I can
always count on him to laugh at
me. Sometimes he’s annoying,
but I always want to have him;
I don’t want to change that in
all of my life.
WHAT WAS SURPRISING
ABOUT HAVING A BABY?
When he first came home, he
didn’t do very much but sleep.
It is surprising how much he
grows and grows. It was tougher
than I thought...the crying, the
schedule, the biting and stuff.
W ERE YOU EVER NERVOUS
ABOUT NOT GETTING TO
KEEP BRODY?
Yes, I was sort of scared at first
because I wasn’t sure what
would happen. But when I met
the birthfamily I wasn’t nervous
any more.
WHAT IS FINALIZATION?
I always think of “finally”...like,
you’ve been through so much and
now you finally really have your
baby. Brody got to know us, and
then he got to have us. We could
finally prove that he was ours.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE BEING
AT BRODY’S FINALIZATION
HEARING AT THE COURT?
It was weird how short it was.
It was really fun. It was more
emotional than I expected.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE?
We made a slideshow about our
adoption, and we used the U2 song
“Oh, Can’t You See What Love Has
Done” (Window in the Skies). I like
that song because it really shows
what our love has done to our
future and our family.
Sanders Family
live in the 21st century. No longer
do you make a birthmother
scrapbook that gets shown by
your agency. Now, you create a
website that can be accessed from
anywhere in the world! And, if you
add a hit counter, you can check to
see if someone visited your website,
and sometimes you can tell where
that person visited from! Imagine
the stories I created while looking
at those hit counters. “Someone
in Philadelphia looked at our site
twice today! Stay by the phone, I’m
sure she’ll call us any moment.”
“Wow, someone googled ‘ScoobyDoo’ and ended up at our site.
Could that mean we have a deep
connection that could only result
in an adoption?” “Oh no, no hits
today. I am devastated and cannot
even go to work.” Regretfully, I
had to learn that you never really
know what it means. I had to just
wait and wonder.
J
Brody’s
ADOPTION
As experienced & told by his mom
Julie Roberts-Sanders
We wanted to have that story.
The one about the couple who,
although unsuccessful getting
pregnant, turned to adoption
and within a few months were
parenting a newborn...totally
unprepared and amazed at how
quickly their life turned around.
Better yet, what about the story
of the couple who magically gets
pregnant after finally taking their
focus off of infertility? Jay and I
had already experienced years
of painful waiting, an overlyconnected relationship with the
calendar, the funny kind of sex you
have when you’re simply trying to
hit the fertility window, the thrill of
being late, and the shattered hopes
Story
of another unsuccessful cycle. We came to adoption tired and broken,
secretly hoping to quickly end our struggle, melting away the pain
that came before and miraculously redeeming the years of longing. But,
here’s the story that actually became ours...
We had finally thrown in the towel. After over four years of unsuccessful
attempts to have a second child (our first pregnancy was deceptively easy),
we chose to give up and embrace our life as a one-child family. After all,
we knew we were so blessed to have Declan. However, even while trying
to live in acceptance, those nagging feelings remained. We researched
other options and decided to pursue open adoption. Although initially
cautious about the “open” part, we loved that the birthmother would
choose her baby’s parents and truly believed that would be healthiest
for all involved. We knew the wonders of the early months, so we were
excited about the thought of having a child from birth. We let go of being
pregnant, but we did not want to let go of having a newborn.
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Mom & Mandy with Brody
After deciding to pursue open
adoption, we wanted to do it
right. We wondered ad nauseam
--How should we word our
birthmother letter so that we would
be chosen? What photos would
catch a prospective birthmother’s
attention? How long do people
typically wait? Can we afford this?
How can we avoid scams? How
can we protect our hearts? More
importantly, how can we protect
the heart of our (then) 5-1/2year-old son? But, there were no
definitive answers. A friend who
adopted twice reminded me that
it just takes one contact – the
one who chooses you! When I
looked at the amazing couples
waiting alongside us, it was hard
to remember that we were not
competing for a baby.
Oh, the waiting...that was the
one of the hardest parts. Often, it
seems that one partner tends to be
Zen about the whole process, while
the other (that would be me) crazily
tries to control everything that
cannot be controlled. Lucky us, we
Declan
&
Brody
Sanders
Fortunately, I discovered an
equally obsessed friend-in-waiting.
Meeting at the agency weekend
intensive, he contacted me when
our website went online. We
emailed or called a few times every
week, cheering each other on when
contacts were made and soothing
each others’ dramas. We leaned
on each other when the journey
seemed impossible. Our partners
were relieved that we had found
each other. That allowed them to
stay detached or at least to not talk
constantly about the process that
was engulfing our lives!
prospective birthmom was friendly, and we talked for well over an hour.
It felt more comfortable than we anticipated, although we felt awkward
when answering questions about religion. We needed to work on that. The
birthfather would contact us if they were interested in moving forward.
They were still considering parenting. Did they do that? Did they choose
someone else? We never heard anything more. It was invigorating to get
our feet wet (a real contact!), but it was difficult not to know why this
road came to a dead-end.
Three months went by. The
excitement of an early match
and having the story that gets
passed on for generations to
others waiting to adopt began to
fade. Discouragement set in. Oh,
how we wanted a baby! Oh, how
there was nothing we could do
to speed things up! We just had
to wait. The agency suggests you
network during this time, which is
a good idea. Frankly, I think that’s
like getting the nursery ready
when you are pregnant. Its main
function is to keep you focused on
something you can control while
you are in the middle of an outof-control ride.
Seven months into the process, my husband spoke with a prospective
birthmom for nearly 30-minutes. He felt positively about the call, and I
was supposed to phone her that evening. I tried, but there was no answer.
My heart sank. Add another disappointment to the pile. Surprisingly, she
called back a few days later. Sitting on a bench with a Halloween carnival
and soccer games going on behind me, I talked to her for over an hour.
She told me about herself, her children, the baby she was carrying and
had me laughing a lot. She said I had a wonderful husband and that she
wanted to choose us! Oh, the exhilaration of feeling chosen. We were ready
to call our friends and family with the news and fly to North Carolina to
meet her as soon as possible. Then, the agency called. “What did she tell
you?” The emphasis on “you” told me that it was not good news. Yes, she
had spoken to other couples, and her story was not consistent. We felt
slimed by letting her story in and allowing ourselves to be so vulnerable.
We felt ashamed for feeling chosen so easily. Consequently, it was hard
not to view the hit counters as proof of enemies peering at our website
and trying to hurt us, rather than as the reminders of hope that they
had been before.
Our first real contact came after
4 months of waiting. We were
on vacation, and my husband
received the call while we were
walking home from the beach.
We were nervous and excited! The
In early November, we received another email from a prospective birthmom.
She asked us to answer sixteen thoughtful questions and added that we
were doing an amazing thing, even if she did not choose us. It felt so positive
that I burst in to tears. Jay and I stayed up until 1:30am, answering the
10
questions and remembering why
we loved each other. We hit “Reply,”
then we waited. One week later, I
was home barfing and Jay was at
Blockbuster when she called. “I’ve
narrowed it down to four couples.
Can we meet in person?” The day
after Thanksgiving, we had our
very first birthparent meeting, and
it was better than we could have
imagined. We had dinner with the
prospective birthparents (both
in their mid-thirties, unmarried
and with no children), and we all
hit it off. On the way home, Jay
and I had nothing to process. We
knew we wanted to parent their
child if we were chosen. Nine days
later (but who’s counting, right?),
while watching the UCLA vs.
USC football game, we received a
second call. “Can we meet again?”
Thrilled beyond belief, we shared
another dinner, talking until the
restaurant closed. Could it feel any
better than this? The agency called
a few days later to tell us that she
narrowed her choices down to
two couples, and we were one of
them! She wanted a week to think,
and then we would be contacted
with her decision. It felt like living
a television cliffhanger. I received
the call at work. “Eliza has chosen
to match with you and Jay!” I cried
with glee and sadness. We hoped
that in just six more months, our
dream would come true!
Yes, you read that correctly, Eliza
was just three months pregnant
when she chose us. The next
six months were filled with the
dance of open adoption. We
spent time together, so that she
would get to know us and feel
confidant about the family who
would raise her child. And, we
gave her space, so she could go
through whatever she needed to
go through in order to make this
huge decision. We included Declan
in the relationship, but we did not
tell him that we might adopt Eliza’s
baby until one month before her
due date. We wanted him to feel
free to be himself and to not feel
responsible for what happened.
There were more ups and downs
during this time than you want to
know about.
As the weeks progressed, the
controller in me began to let go.
Although I really wanted to be
the mommy of this baby, I also
realized the magnitude of the
2 Moms
by JRS
We come together out of pain
Mine of emptiness
Yours of deep regret
As we honor our pain
It takes on new life
One
Will be loved
By two
Mom & Brody
decision and that it could not be
made easily. Walking alongside
Eliza, I felt great compassion for all
prospective birthmothers. Eliza’s
mom frequently tried to change
her mind; every new doctor would
question her decision; outsiders
would tell her how wonderful
it is to be a parent; and friends
often came up with new options to
consider. When you are pregnant,
everyone sees and has something
to say. Even if adoption is never
openly talked about, it is not a
hidden decision.
All along, I knew we could not
be certain what would happen
until the actual birth. Even when
all the ducks are in a row...the
relationships strong all around,
the decision seemingly clear,
the baby items purchased and
ready... no one knows what it
feels like to say ‘goodbye’ to their
newborn unless they have actually
done that. As a mom, I could not
imagine it, even if that was clearly
the most loving decision. I admired
the courage and selflessness of
anyone who could.
Three days before her due date,
Eliza and her mom stayed at our
house because it seemed labor was
imminent. They slept in our bed,
while Jay and I were in our son’s bunk
bed. No one slept soundly, knowing
that our lives were about to change
forever. About 6 am, Eliza, her mom,
her boyfriend, Jay and I headed to the
hospital and spent the next 16 hours
in Labor & Delivery without much
action. Eliza’s mom chatted non-stop;
we watched TV (even saw a preview
for an adoption scam show...nice!); we
took turns taking walks, doing errands
for Eliza, contacting family and friends, etc. When the anesthesiologist
came in, Eliza was like an evangelist, telling him about the wonders of
open adoption. Around 11pm, her labor finally kicked in. My husband
camped out in the waiting room, but I was fortunate enough to be in
the room to experience the miracle of birth. At 12:32 am on June 16,
the long-awaited, healthy baby boy was born! And, in that instant, some
part of me knew that he was not going to be our baby.
It would have been easier if the realization had been as clear to Eliza as
it was to me. My husband suspected that I was being neurotic (totally
possible), so I tried to ignore my feelings. The next three days were surreal
and perhaps the most painful of our entire adoption journey. Eliza went
through the motions of the adoption, even having the baby discharged with
the name we planned to give him. But, I could tell her heart was not in
it.We did not know what to do or say. We had never been in this situation
before. Maybe this was a normal part of adoption? Ironically, Eliza’s mom
was the most enthusiastic and kept talking to Declan about his brother.
Jay and I felt protective of Declan bonding with the baby. After leaving
the hospital, Eliza and the baby spent one night at our house. Not willing
to do that again, we forced her to make a decision. The limbo was killing
us, and we knew we would recover if we could let go and move forward.
Tearfully, Eliza just said, “I didn’t know.” And, I knew. When a baby is
theoretical, you can make plans from your head. But, when he is in your
arms, your heart gets very involved. All along, Jay and I told each other
we would be thrilled to parent Eliza’s baby if she was not able to do it.
She discovered she was able.
I felt pretty numb during the two months that followed. Helping Declan deal with
the disappointment increased our heartbreak and sense of guilt. By choosing
open adoption, we put our (now) 7-year-old in a place to deal with so much
loss and complex emotions. However, since he had five months of friendship
with Eliza before finding out about the possible adoption, his lack of agenda
seemed to make him more resilient and understanding. He said, “Well,
somebody was going to hurt. I guess this time it was going to be us.” I felt
embarrassed to go back to work and rescind my maternity leave. So many
people fear adoption for reasons just like the one we were living through.
11
I did not want to deal with others’
thoughts and fears. Fortunately,
having a baby in our house for just
one night actually made all three of
us certain that our baby was out
there somewhere.
A few weeks later, we visited
Eliza, her boyfriend and the baby.
Although we still felt the sting of
the process, in some strange way
we helped make a family. As we
looked around the apartment
filled with new baby things, we
knew this door was closed. It was
a relief to let go and move on.
In early August, we entered back
into the world of waiting with a
new-and-improved letter and
website. On August 30, we received
an email from another prospective
birthmother. She was due in just
six weeks -- halleluiah! Her profile
was not ideal, especially because
she did not discover she was
pregnant until 24 weeks along.
But, we were open to this new
situation. We knew that we could
survive six weeks of anything!
Her emails were straightforward
yet somewhat sporadic. It was
hard to be patient between
contacts, but we already knew
that letting go of our timing and
agenda was an important part of
the process. Her emails felt honest
and encouraged our questions. At
one point, she asked if we were
seriously considering adopting her
baby. If we were not, she wanted
to find someone else. She seemed
committed to placing, however,
she was not really interested in an
ongoing relationship. Her main
goals were to choose her child’s
parents and to have a “mommy” in
the delivery room to greet the baby.
She knew it would be harder to let
go if she was first to hold him.
After four weeks of only email
contact, we set up a lunch date. We
were trying to hold things lightly
but were quite disappointed
when she cancelled just prior,
saying she was not feeling well. We
were relieved when she contacted
us later that weekend, and we met
for dinner on Sunday.
Mandy was 30-years-old and the
single mother of two boys. Her
boys mean everything to her,
but she knew that she could not
adequately provide emotionally or
financially for another. She never
Feature
planned to be pregnant again
and would have terminated the
pregnancy if she had known
sooner. She felt that her two sons
and the baby growing inside her
deserved more than she could give
on her own. Interestingly, she was
drawn to us because she wanted
her baby to have a brother, the
way her boys had each other.
She was refreshingly open, nononsense and had a wonderful
laugh. Having given birth before,
she had somewhat of an emotional
understanding of the choice she
was about to make.
she understood the benefits of including her boys and began to be more
open about what our adoption might look like. After the meeting, she told
her oldest about her adoption plan and was pleased by his acceptance. I
think that gave her even more peace.
When we left the restaurant, she
handed me a hospital pamphlet
and an ultrasound picture. I gladly
looked at them and handed them
back to her. She said, “No, these
are for you. This is your baby.”
Those words penetrated so deeply,
for Mandy had already treated us
more as the parents-in-waiting
than Eliza ever had.
Sharing the hospital stay, our bond grew. Mandy’s boys met Declan, and
they loved goofing around together and accepted each other easily. Declan’s
teacher was quite confused when he moved his token on the “siblings
chart” from 0 siblings to 3 siblings after just one weekend! Mandy’s mom,
who had initially resisted the adoption choice, sent us a note afterwards
about how she now understood the amazing love that goes into adoption.
She was proud of her daughter’s courageous and unconditionally loving
choice, and she was relieved that she would still get to know this little
miracle boy.
Two weeks before Mandy’s due
date, we had our Match Meeting.
We told our story, and she shared
more of hers. Ironically, she had
been matched with another couple,
and they just disappeared. So,
we all had felt abandoned in the
adoption process before, which
made our commitment to each
other even stronger.
Mandy had hidden her pregnancy
from her boys and planned to
keep it that way. From talking
with our adoption coordinator,
Just after 4:30 am on Saturday morning, our toll free number rang.
“Hi, it’s Mandy. I’m in labor. It’s time to come to the hospital.” My sister
quickly drove over to stay with Declan. We kissed him goodbye, believing
his brother was about to be born. We raced off to Pomona Valley Hospital
with our hopes high, yet knowing the hardest part was still to come. It
was lightly raining, and somehow that felt appropriate.
Much to Mandy’s dismay, the anesthesiologist was nowhere to be found
that morning. Her mom and I were by her side through her relatively quick
labor, and at 9:26 am on October 14, 2006, Brody Roberts Sanders was
born. We all cried –- out of joy and out of sorrow. I was honored to be the
first to hold him. He was peaceful and beautiful!
Leaving the hospital was so hard on all of us. It felt nice to live in this safe
little bubble in which our two families could exist together. The reality of
taking home the baby we had longed for while leaving Mandy with empty
arms was bittersweet. How could we feel so overjoyed for us and so deeply
saddened for her? I said to Mandy, “You are our angel.” And she said, “You
are mine, too.” With tears that come from a deeper place than words can
express, we hugged and said “goodbye.” In some ways, this was an ending.
But, mostly, this was just the beginning!
Believe it or not, we are glad we did not become magically pregnant or
even adopt Eliza’s baby. We have been transformed by living the story that
led us to our Brody! Riding the rollercoaster of love and loss...of letting go
and being open...our hearts and lives have been changed and our years
of waiting made meaningful. We experienced the mystery that allows joy
to be born out of loss and redemption to shine brighter than pain. Having
Brody makes this the best story we could ever tell!
Brody’s 1st Birthday
Addendum
Over the past sixteen months, we
have visited with Mandy and her
family four times. I email updates
every month and send pictures, too.
For Mother’s Day 2007, we had a
picnic together and Mandy gave us
a beautiful book of adoption stories
and photos. We feel so fortunate to
be living out open adoption. Our hope
is that this will allow Brody to live
without shame or secrets and to know
firsthand that he is deeply loved by
his adoptive and birth families.
*Shining Stars*
How to Feature Your Family
This feature enables IAC alumni and their children to share a story, publish a poem, or exhibit art or photographs. These items will be
shared with your OAN community and will demonstrate your child’s interests and talents. We want to hear from your children, and we
want to hear from you. In either case, we want to feature your children.
When submitting, please be sure to include the names and ages of your children, as well as your names and contact information. If you aren’t certain
what to write and want to discuss it, please contact
hearing from you. OAN publishes four times a year.
sbryson@adoptionhelp.org and we will help get you started. We are looking forward to
12
Protecting Yourself From
Adoption Scams
Advice
Most of the IAC’s clients,
especially those who are adopting their second or third child, know that the
process of open adoption is a rewarding and emotional journey. The last thing we want is for any of our clients to fall victim
to an adoption scam.
The vast majority of birthparents who contact the Center are legitimate. However, each year, scam artists do make contact
with a few of our clients. Historically, IAC has done an excellent job of protecting clients from scams – in fact, most times we
shut down a scammer’s activities within twenty-four hours. Our goal is to stop the process before people become emotionally
hurt or lose money.
IAC’s Birthparent Intake staff speaks to hundreds of potential birthparents each year. This experience enables the staff to
recognize “red flags”, sometimes within minutes of speaking with someone. While it is important to be open and receptive
to any potential birthparent that contacts you, it would be prudent to allow the staff at the Center to assess the situation
objectively and thoroughly.
Please keep the following tips
in mind ( and remember to call
one of the IAC’s Birthparent
Intake Counselors) whenever
you a r e c o n t a c t e d b y a
potential birthparent.
First and foremost, never give funds of
any kind to a birthparent unless an IAC
representative has approved it. (FYI –
many states limit the amount of money
that can be given to birthmothers)
A scam situation typically involves
someone trying to take your money but
they can also be what is referred to as
an emotional scammer. The following
are examples of scams that we have
come in contact with.
A birthparent may contact you on
a holiday, weekend or late at night
needing money immediately for food,
housing or car repairs. This type of
“crisis call” is geared to catch you off
guard. IAC has an extensive database
of emergency referrals to support
birthmothers in those types of actual
situations. Direct the birthparents to
call IAC.
A birthparent may give you conflicting
information. She may be genuinely
confused because she is speaking with
several families and cannot keep her
details straight.
A birthparent offers to bring a baby to
you contingent upon a plane ticket or
money for a plane or bus fare. This is a
typical ploy to take your money. Even if
the situation is legitimate, some states
do not allow this type of assistance.
Do not take chances. Contact an IAC
Birthparent Intake Counselor before
providing transportation for anyone.
Twins or triplets is frequently a sign of
a scam. Do not accept faxed or emailed
“proof of pregnancy” or a sonogram
picture. The IAC will confirm the
pregnancy directly with the health
care provider with a legal release of
information.
Some scam situations have nothing
to do with money, we refer to these
as emotional scams. These scams
are usually accompanied by extreme
crisis, complex emotional states
and/or emergency medical issues. A
birthparent may keep you on the phone
for several hours at a time or send you
dozens of text messages a day. Stories
may be very sad and include rape and
incest or involved stories of their own
adoption. This type of scam involves
your emotions, heart and time. Be
sensitive, but refer the birthparent
to an IAC counselor for professional
counseling and support rather than
trying to provide it on your own.
A birthparent may request that IAC
remains uninvolved with the adoption
due to a negative relationship with
the staff or a past bad experience with
IAC (or with another agency). This is
a red flag; a scam birthmother will not
want to talk to a professional counselor
for fear of being “discovered”. IAC’s
professional support and guidance will
facilitate a successful adoption.
13
A birthparent may state that she is
choosing you at the last minute because
a family or agency that she has been
working with recently rejected her.
This is often a tactic used to get you
to move quickly and provide financial
support. While it may be true that
the birthparent has recently ceased
working with an adoptive family or
agency, the disruption most likely
occurred for a valid reason. It may be
that the birthparent demanded money
shortly before the birth or after delivery;
or the agency may have asked too many
questions in an attempt to verify the
birthparent’s situation.
A birthparent that refuses to meet
you in person may not be pregnant.
Never accept pictures of a pregnant
woman as proof of identity. While some
birthparents choose a more limited form
of open adoption, be suspicious of any
who refuses to meet with you.
A birthparent may claim she never
received information that either you
or IAC has mailed to her or that she
cannot receive mail. It may be that she
is living in a facility that does not allow
mail privileges. It is important to know
all the circumstances before agreeing to
work with a birthparent.
You may encounter a birthparent who
shows an inordinate amount of interest
in your spouse or partner, including
wanting to only speak with him/her or
wanting to know intimate facts about
that person. This is not normal. Do
not allow a birthparent to manipulate
the situation. Refer the birthparent to
the IAC’s counselors.
If a “friend” of a birthmother contacts
you, beware that the friend and the
birthmother may be the same person.
Another scenario is that the “friend”
is an unscrupulous facilitator or
other type of adoption broker who
will later charge you large fees for an
introduction to the birthmother.
Never give personal information to
someone over the phone or Internet
who has not already been in contact
with IAC. Formal introductions are
accomplished in IAC facilitated Match
Meetings. Also, should you choose
to send a copy of your Homestudy
to a birthparent, remember to “white
out” social security numbers, income
amount, birthdates, etc. None of us
wants to be deceived, and IAC’s staff is
committed to doing its best to screen
for possible scams. For adoptive and
legitimate birthparents alike, an
adoption plan that includes an honest
and mutual exchange of information is
the only foundation on which a healthy
open adoption plan can be made.
For additional support
when you are contacted by a potential
birth - parent, keep this scenario
guide by your phone. Also included
are national toll free hotline #s to give
to birthparents to obtain appropriate
support and assistance.
I have no food/my car
broke down/I’m going to
be evicted/I need money
for a hotel room.
It sounds like you are in a very tough situation
and we want to get you the immediate help
you need. While we would like to help you
we understand that each state has strict
regulations about how we provide help for you.
We’re working with a licensed agency that has
experience helping women in your situation.
Please call the IAC (800) 877-OPEN (6736) to get
some support. Counselors are available after
hours, weekends and on holidays.
I like you & trust you w/
my personal problems
(rape/incest/domestic
violence/ own adoption
issues/drug issues/
problems with parents/
legal problems).
We’re so happy you trust us enough to talk about
such difficult issues in your life. It sounds like you
are dealing with many complex issues. We care
about you and want to provide you with as much
support as possible; however, we are not qualified
to provide professional counseling. We also want
you to have an unbiased and confidential person
to talk to about these issues. Please call the IAC to
get free professional counseling and support.
I’ve been working with
another agency/family
and it fell apart at the
last minute. I need a
family now and I want to
choose you.
We’re sorry you had such a negative experience.
That must have been very disappointing to have
worked with someone for that length of time and
then have it fall apart. If you think you might like to
now work with us, please call the birthparent intake
counselor at the Independent Adoption Center.
I can’t reach an IAC
counselor / I don’t feel
comfortable calling the
IAC, etc.
I understand your feelings and/or sympathize
with your situation. Since we are not qualified
to help you in a professional manner, please try
this toll free phone number (see below).
I’m on my way to the
hospital right now/I’ve
just delivered a baby
and I want you to be the
adoptive parents.
You must be overwhelmed right now. We really
want you to make a decision based upon what’s
best for you and your baby. We would hate for
you to make a huge decision like this without
talking to a professional. Have you told the
hospital social worker that you’re considering
an open adoption for your baby? The IAC is
available to speak with you or the social worker
about your plans. Would you like us to have an
IAC counselor call you, or can you or the hospital
social worker call the IAC? We’re very excited but
we want what’s best for you.
NATIONAL TOLL FREE HOTLINE NUMBERS
National Runaway Switchboard:
24/7 crisis response for teens 18 and under
1-800-621-4000
National Hopeline Network:
Connects immediately to the local crisis center
1-800-784-2433
Girls and Boys Town Hotline:
24-hour crisis, resource and referral line
1-800-448-3000
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Provides confidential housing and protection referrals
1-800-799-SAFE
National Sexual Assault Hotline:
24-hour confidential support and advice
1-800-656-HOPE
Covenant House:
24-hour referral source for housing, crisis intervention and support
Planned Parenthood:
This number will connect caller to the nearest clinic
1-800-999-9999
1-800-230-PLAN
14
ask Kathleen
Advice
{the IAC’S
RESIDENT
Helping your
child understand
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
W
In a letter, list some of your son’s questions and encourage her to write back to you and him. Since
you haven’t been in touch since your son was a toddler, he does not have a relationship with her, so I
recommend starting slowly. He can write about his interests, and ask about hers. When a six-year-old I
know, Jason, wrote to his birthmother, he described his pets and asked if she had any.
You may eventually decide to meet in person, but I recommend building a relationship through letters,
e-mails, and/or phone calls before taking that step. You might decide to continue contact through letters
and wait to meet when you son is older.
EXPERT }
”
If that doesn’t work, enlist the help of your adoption agency or professional. My agency frequently gets
such a request, and we’ve helped many birth and adoptive families reconnect.
Parents may wonder how the birthmother will react to contact after several years without communication.
They may even fear that she may not want to have a relationship with your child. If you’re concerned,
have your agency or another intermediary make the initial contact for you.
As you wait to hear back, or to find out whether contact is possible, satisfy your son’s curiosity by sharing
the concrete information you already have. Since you met your son’s birthmother at the time of the
adoption, you probably have stories to tell. Even though he’s probably heard them before, he’ll want to
hear them again now. Don’t leave anything out; the smallest details will mean a lot to him. Let him look
at any photographs or letters you exchanged during the two years you kept in touch.
People often assume that the most common problem families face in open adoptions is an intrusive birthparent.
In fact, the opposite is true. The concern voiced most frequently by parents is that they don’t hear from the
birthmother as often as they would like, or that they have lost contact with her.
Your losing touch with your son’s birthmother is not unusual, nor is it unusual for your son to ask new
questions about her. He’s at the age when children really start to understand adoption, so questions are
to be expected.
One child I know, Carrie, had photographs of her birthmother, but the families hadn’t been in touch since
she was a baby. When she was 10, Carrie began asking her mom about meeting her birthmother. Carrie’s
mom attempted to contact her when she realized how important this was to her daughter.
Getting back in touch
A letter is probably the best way to reestablish contact. If you don’t know the birthmother’s current address,
see if you have contact information for any of her relatives. Perhaps you met her parents at the time of the
adoption. Although it’s possible the birthmother has moved, chances are that her parents have not.
15
If you can’t locate your son’s birthmother, let hem know that you will try again later. You can suggest
that he write periodic letters (perhaps an annual letter on his birthday), and tell him that you will save
the letters and photographs he selects for her. In this way, your son can share his interests as he grows
and changes over time. If you reestablish contact with his birthmother some day, she will treasure this
chronicle of his childhood. It will be good for your son to express his thoughts and questions, even if you
can’t deliver the letters now.
My experience is that most birthparents welcome renewed contact. Your son’s birthmother would probably
delight in hearing about his personality, milestones, and interests. Share anecdotes and send pictures.
She remembers him as a baby. I’m sure she’ll be pleased to hear about the boy he is today.
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW, is the Independent Adoption Center’s Associate and Clinical Director. She is
a nationally regarded expert, has written numerous groundbreaking books including Dear Birthmother and
Children of Open Adoption, and has advocated extensively for open adoption. As IAC’s Clinical Director, Ms.
Silber provides IAC with clinical oversight and IAC’s staff with clinical supervision
This article was originally published in Adoptive Families in
their July/August 2007 issue. Adoptive Families can also be
found online at http://www.AdoptiveFamilies.com.
16
the difference between
Alleged &
Presumed
FATHERS in CA
by Larry Siegel
The difference between an “alleged” and
“presumed” father can be important so lets
discuss how they are defined, what rules and
laws apply and how to assess whether your
adoption may have any difficulty because of an
“alleged” or “presumed” father.
An alleged father is named by the birth
mother as the child’s father but is not married
to the birth mother, has not completed a
hospital form that establishes him as the
presumed father, or has not taken the child
into his home.
An alleged father has rights to the child,
but it is very difficult for an alleged father
to challenge an adoption placement. He
must prove the following things before
a court will decide what is in the “best
interest” of the child:
prove he is the biological father usually
through DNA testing and then...
go into court and prove all 3 of the following:
1 he acknowledged the child as his
during the pregnancy
2 supported the birth mother during
the pregnancy and...
3 filed papers in court to assert his
rights to the child immediately after
birth, literally within days of birth.
In reality it is extremely rare - extremely for an alleged father to both want the child and
take the above steps required. While “it” can
happen, statistically the chance of an alleged
father stopping an adoption is extremely low.
Of course even if the alleged father does
not prevail in such an attempt, no one wants
to go through the process; it is costly and
emotionally difficult. But the bottom line is
that if the biological father is an “alleged”
father and even if he claims he wants the child,
it is a difficult process for him.
A presumed father is married to the
birth mother or otherwise has created the
“presumption” by filling out a hospital
form, or taken the child into his home. The
presumed father has greater rights than an
“alleged” father and therefore it can be more
complicated and costly. It is also pretty rare
for a presumed father to actually make a claim
for the child. But if he is so interested, he has
a much better chance.
Now I have to make a distinction here
between a presumed father who is and is
not actually the biological father. For the
presumed/biological father we must prove
in court that he has abandoned the child
{provided no support, had no communication
with the child} for a period of at least 6
months. Once that is the case, we will be able
to terminate his rights.
If the presumed father is not the biological
father then we must still terminate his rights,
but as long as there is proof he could not be
the biological father (DNA), then he has little
chance of success.
So the only potentially difficult situation is
when there is a presumed father and he is also
the biological father. In that case we have to
wait at least 6 months after the birth before we
can terminate his rights.
Over my 26+ years of doing adoption work
it is rare indeed for either a “presumed” or
“alleged” father to come forward. However it
is still very, very important that you found out
who the alleged and/or presumed father is and
whether he has any interest in the child.
Lawrence Siegel, JD, has assisted thousands of adoptive
parents in and outside of California. Mr. Siegel is both an adoption
attorney and an adoptive parent. Mr. Siegel is one of the IAC’s
recommended attorneys and can be reached at 907 Sir Francis
Drake Blvd., Kentfield, CA 94904, (415) 256-8844.
Birthparent Statistics
Adoptive Parents’ Support Groups
July/August/September 2008
Northern California
:
Pleasant Hill Support Group
July 10, August 14, September 11
2nd Thursday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm
Pleasant Hill Office
391 Taylor Blvd, Suite 100, Pleasant Hill, CA
Kerrin Tomek, MSW,
Home Study Supervisor/Adoption Coordinator
Southern California
date
when
time
place
led by
RSVP
South Bay
Peninsula Support Group
July 9, August 13, September 10
2nd Wednesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm
Christ the Good Shepherd Church
1550 Meridian Avenue San Jose, CA 95125
Teresa Pletka, MSW, Adoption Coordinator &
Jennifer Tan, MSW, Open Adopton Counselor
Midwest
led by
Midwest Support Group
July 26, September 27
Last Saturday of every other month
1:00 pm–2:00 pm
Midwest Office
5162 E Stop 11 Rd., Suite 1, Indianapolis
Michelle Keyes, MSW, LSW, Adoption Coordinator
RSVP
(317) 887-2015 if you plan to attend
date
when
time
place
Southern California
Los Angeles Support Group
July 15, August 19, September 16
3rd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm
Encino Hospital – 16237 Ventura Blvd.{Between Haskell & Havenhurst,
on the first floor in the Encino classroom}
Jennifer Bliss, PsyD, MSW, LCSW, Branch Co-Director
Please call the LA office at (310) 215-3180
Southeast
date
when
time
place
led by
RSVP
Orange County
Orange County Support Group
July 14, August 11, September 8
2nd Monday of each month
7:00 pm-8:30 pm
First Presbyterian Church: 310 West Broadway, Anaheim
{One mile north of the I-5 freeway
and Disneyland off Harbor Blvd.}
Kathleen Warschefsky, MSW, Open Adoption Counselor
Please call the LA office at (310) 215-3180
San Diego Support Group
July 15, August 5, September 9
2nd Tuesday of each month (EXCEPT August)
7:00 pm–8:30 pm
Private residence in El Cajon
Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer, PhD, MSW,
Branch Co-Director/Adoption Coordinator
Please call the LA office at (310) 215-3180
North Carolina Support Group
July 8, August 12, September 9
2nd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm
North Carolina Office
184 Wind Chime Court, Suite 101, Raleigh
to be announced
(919) 676-6288 if you plan to attend
Georgia
date
when
time
place
Georgia Support Group
July 10, August 14, September 11
2nd Thursday of each month
7:00 pm-8:30 pm
Georgia Office - 3774 Lavista Rd., Suite 100, Tucker
led by
RSVP
Amber Burfeind, LMSW, Branch Director/Adoption Coordinator
(404) 321-6900 if you plan to attend
Other Important Information
September 1st { Labor Day } All IAC Offices Closed
NEW SAN FRANCISCO SUPPORT GROUP! {September 9 th }more details to come at
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/adoption_resources/adoptive_parent.html#supportgroup
Please RSVP to Teresa Pletka (925)827-2229
Birthparent Statistics Online:
We post birthparent statistics on our website by the third week of the month. You can see them at www.adoptionhelp.org/bpstats.html. You will get a monthly reminder when they are posted,
but YOU MUST BE ON THE EMAIL GROUP, even if just for announcements, to received this reminder.
17
18
Shannon, Calvin & Duncan
pose for the camera at the
IAC’s booth. Little Duncan,
wearing an “Always Happy”
t-shirt , was just that ,
nothing but smiles. He
wowed passers by while
he rubbed his belly and
squeeled with delight,
“ prrreeeeaassse ! ”
B
alloons, beachballs, boas, streamers, sequins,
you name it, it was all happening at the San
Francisco LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and
Transgender) Pride Celebration on Sunday, June 29.
Shannon, Calvin
& Duncan,
the PRIDE
P
by Sarah Bryson
of
Strung down Market street, in an extravaganza of
music, color, dancing, and tenacity, the enthusiastic
paraders did their best to fill the crowd with pride.
The IAC staff of Pleasant Hill all pulled together to
construct a boisterious, bubble-blowing party trolley
to celebrate life, love, freedom, and most of all,
OPEN adoption!
With proud parents, David Zenker and John Buffi
armed with adorable baby Caden strutting along
one side, and Joren Bass, his partner Marc Ayala
and sweet baby William on the other side, the IAC’s
trolley was unstoppable; the awstruck
crowd didn’t even know what hit them.
MARK
&
MARK
This was my first Pride
Parade. I felt honored
to be a part of this
special event. What
an exciting day and
lots of fun! I am glad
to work for an agency
that is open to people
from all walks of life.
-Teresa Pletka, MSW
ARENTHOOD
The float, occupied by several other of
the IAC’s friendly, excited clients and
friends (names listed on following page),
infused a warm feeling of openness and family.
Becky & Teresa
of the IAC
Representatives helped the IAC staff wave flags, and
pass out pens and small foam hearts, to advertise
our services. On top of all this, each member walked
home with a cool IAC t-shirt and a smile.
Each year the IAC participates in this event. Not
only do we have a float in the parade, but we set up a
booth staffed with counselors to provide the public
with hightly valuable information. All of our clients
and friends have an open invitation to join us for
2009, which is sure to be even bigger and better, so
if you are in the area, be sure to make it!
For any ideas or information regarding
this event, or if you would like to purchase
a t-shirt, please contact Sarah Bryson at
Booth Crew
IAC Clients
Camille King
IAC Board of Directors
John Buffi,
Dave Zenker
& son Caden
Shannon Schwartz,
Calvin Kuan
& son Duncan
IAC Staff & Friends
Lynn Hasegawa
Agency Support Services Associate
Jennifer Hasegawa
Lynn’s daughter
Teresa Pletka, MSW
Adoption Coordinator
Becky Hamdy, MSW
Open Adoption Counselor
Sarah Bryson
Marketing & Advertising Associate
19
THE FABULOUS
IAC BLOCKS
& MASCOT
Teresa & Camille King
making connections
sbryson@adoptionhelp.org
IAC
LOVE
MACHINE
Parade Crew
IAC Clients
2
Mark Epstein, Mark Bliss with
daughters Joann & Taylor
John Buffi, Dave Zenker & son Caden
Marc Ayala, Joren Bass & son William
The Independent Adoption Center prides
itself in over 26 years of open adoption.
Being the only adoption agency in
the United States to have never had
exclusionary policies based on age, marital
status, race, ethnic heritage, or sexual
orientation, the IAC strongly advocates
truly “open” adoption.
We believe all qualified
parents should be given
the option to provide a
loving home to a child
that may not otherwise
have this opportunity.
Tim & Bentley Callahan & friends
Marcus Davis & Neil Balthaser
Rene Alexander, niece & daughter Diana
IAC Staff & Friends
Lyn Dawn Agency Support Services Manager
Velvet Kilstrom Lyn’s daughter
Lynn Hasegawa Agency Support Services Associate
Jennifer Hasegawa Lynn’s daughter
Teresa Pletka, MSW Adoption Coordinator
Sarah Bryson Marketing & Advertising Associate
20 THE CREW
(800) 877-OPEN (6736)
www.adoptionhelp.org
NONPROFIT
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San Francisco Bay Area Office
391 Taylor Boulevard, Suite 100
Pleasant Hill, CA 94523
ORG.
U.S. POSTAGE PAID
PERMIT NO. 118
CONCORD, CA