MOVIE MONOLOGUES via WhySanity Mar`12

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ALMOST FAMOUS
written by Cameron Crowe
(William, a young journalist for Rolling Stone, chastises the lead singer in his favourite band.)
WILLIAM MILLER: "That groupie"? She was a Band-Aid! All she did was love your band.
And you used her, all of you! You used her and threw her away! She almost died last night while
you were with Bob Dylan. You guys, you're always talking about the fans, the fans, the fans; she
was your biggest fan, and you threw her away! And if you can't see that, that's your biggest
problem. And I love her! I love her!
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AMERICAN BEAUTY
written by Alan Ball
(Jane: Tell me about being in the hospital.)
Ricky: When I was 15, my dad caught me smoking dope. He totally freaked and decided to send
me to military school. I told you his whole thing about structure and discipline, right? Well, of
course, I got kicked out. Dad and I had this huge fight and he hit me...and then the next day at
school, some kid made a crack about my haircut and...I just snapped. I wanted to kill him. And I
would have. Killed him. If they hadn't pulled me off. … That's when my dad put me in the
hospital. Then they drugged me up and left me in there for two years.
(Jane: Wow. You must really hate him.)
Ricky: He's not a bad man.
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BEFORE SUNRISE
written by Richard Linklater & Kim Krizan
JESSE: Alright, I have an admittedly insane idea, but if I don't ask you this, it's just, uh, you
know, its going to haunt me the rest of my life. I want to keep talking to you, y'know. I have no
idea what your situation is, but, uh, but I feel like we have some kind of, uh, connection. Right?
Yeah, right, well, great. So listen, so here's the deal. This is what we should do. You should get
off the train with me here in Vienna, and come check out the town. Come on. It'll be fun. Come
on. All I know is I have to catch an Austrian Airlines flight tomorrow morning at 9:30, and I
don't really have enough money for a hotel, so I was just going to walk around, and it would be a
lot more fun if you came with me. And if I turn out to be some kind of psycho, you know, you
just get on the next train. Alright, alright. Think of it like this. Um, uh, jump ahead, ten, twenty
years, okay, and you're married. Only your marriage doesn't have that same energy that it used to
have, y'know. You start to blame your husband. You start to think about all those guys you've
met in your life, and what might have happened if you'd picked up with one of them, right? Well,
I'm one of those guys. That's me, y'know, so think of this as time travel, from then to now, uh, to
find out what you're missing out on. See, what this really could be is a gigantic favor to both you
and your future husband, to find out that you're not missing out on anything. I'm just as big a
loser as he is, totally unmotivated, totally boring, and, uh, you made the right choice, and you're
really happy.
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CENTER STAGE
written by Carol Heikkinen
JODY: Wait. For ten years, all I've wanted was to be one of American Ballet Company's perfect
ballerinas. I've wanted to be you Juliette. But I'm not you, and I'm not perfect, I'm just me, bad
feet and all. And, I'm staring to think I like that even better.
(Jonathan leans forward to speak, Jodi cuts him off)
No. Please don't. Because if you're not going to offer me a place in the company, then I don't
want to hear it...and if you are...I might not have the strength to say no -- and then I'd be
spending my best dancing years in the back of a corps waving a rose back and forth… and I'm
better then that. So...thank you, Jonathan for making me the best dancer I could be. I appreciate it
more then I can say, really. Because the best dancer i can be is a principal in Cooper Nielson's
new company.
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A CINDERELLA STORY
written by Leigh Dunlap
(Austin: Okay, I know you think I'm just some...)
SAM: Coward? Phony?
(Austin: Okay, just listen.)
No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be
somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look,
I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you
are. I was. But not anymore. And the thing is, I don't care what people think about me... because
I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family,
and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for. (pause) I know that guy that
sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but, I can't wait for him... because waiting for you
is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.
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CLUELESS
written by Amy Heckerling
CHER: So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some
people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden
party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people
came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more
the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we
could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does
not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?
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DISTURBIA
written by Christopher B. Landon & Carl Ellsworth
KALE: I'm saying that if you want to enjoy your party, enjoy your party. Don't keep looking up
at me, trying to get a rise out of me. It's unnecessary.
(Ashley: So you were watching me. But for how long? Just tonight? A week? Two weeks? Since I
moved in? What have you been keeping tabs on, Kale? Huh? What else have you seen?)
What else have I seen? … I've seen a lot. I mean, not like that, not, I mean ... For instance, I've
seen that you're maybe one of, I don't know, three people in the world that likes pizza-flavored
chips. You're also the only person I've ever seen that spends more time on the roof of her house
than in her actual house. And what are you doing? You're reading. Books. You know, not "US
Weekly or "Seventeen", or, you know... but you're reading substantial books. You also do this,
uh, ... You do this thing where, it's like an OCD thing, but it's not. It's, um ... Whenever you're
leaving your room, you grab the doorknob, you turn it and you're getting ready to leave but you
don't, you stop and you back up and you turn to the mirror and you stare at yourself. But it's not
like a, you know, "I'm so hot" kind of stare. You know, it's more like ... "Who am I, really?" And
to ask yourself that, I mean, that's so cool. So you look out the window all the time like I do, only
you're looking at the world, you know? Tryin' to figure it out, trying to understand the world.
Trying to figure out why it's not in order like your books. … I'm only looking at you.
(Ashley: That's either the creepiest... or the sweetest thing I've ever heard.)
(They kiss)
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ELECTION
written by Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor, from the novel by Tom Perotta
TRACY FLICK: Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I
strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Carver also have an oppurtunity to
make our high school days better. During this campaign I have had the oppurtunity to speak to
many of you about your concerns. I spoke with freshman Eliza Ramirez, who told me how
alienated she feels from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks who said his
mother works in the cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes.
I won't bore you with long winded promises about all the new and innovative things I will
definitely achieve during the year in which it will be my honor and privelege to represent each
and every one of you, but I can say that my years of experience on the student council have
taught me the three most important attributes the president needs to possess; committment,
qualifications, and experience. I'll add one more, caring. I care about Carver and I care about
each and every one of you and together we can all make a difference. One of the things I would
like to establish is a regular open forum where any student can come and voice their concern
about issues we face here at carver. I and the rest of the student council would then interface with
the faculty and staff, so a continuous dialogue would exist. When you cast your vote for TRacy
Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me. You'll be voting for yourself and for every
other student. Our days won't be any longer, but they can sure be better.
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ELECTION
written by Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor, from the novel by Tom Perotta
TAMMY: Who cares about this stupid election? We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected
president of Carver. Do you really think it's going to change anything around here? Make one
single person smarter? or nicer? The only person it does matter to is the one that gets elected.
The same pathetic charade happens every year and everyone makes the same pathetic promises
just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don't even
want to go to college and I don't care. As president, I won't do anything. The only promise I will
make is that, if elected, I will immediately dismantle the student government so that none of us
has to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again. Or don't vote for me. Who cares? Don't
vote at all!
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FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH
written by Cameron Crowe
MIKE DAMONE: First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi."
Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you
are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she
wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini
and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat.
When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
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100 GIRLS
written by Michael Davis
(Dora is on the roof of the dorm, standing on the edge and looking off into space.)
DORA: You know, the first time I did this, nobody noticed. Now nobody cares.
(Matt: I care. Why are you doing this?)
Because I was born with the greatest curse of all.
(Matt: What's that?)
I'm ugly. And I'm also very smart.
(Matt: You're not ugly.)
I know what's in store for me. No one will ever have passion for me. People all around me will
be falling in love, and making love, and getting married, and having kids. The closest thing I'll
ever have to that is someone inviting me to their Christmas dinner because they feel guilty I
might be spending the holiday alone. Or if I'm lucky, my male counterpart, an obese man or guy
with a harelip, will invite me to coffee. And we'll pretend to love each other, and tie the knot
because we're so desperately afraid of growing old alone.
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FREAKY FRIDAY
written by Heather Hach and Leslie Dixon, from the novel by Mary Rodgers
(Anna is fifteen. She has swapped bodies with her mother Tess.)
ANNA (AS TESS): You read her diaries? Oh, that's gross! That’s bad. "Bad Mom" award.
Nothing is going on between her and this guy. Because if there was, she wouldn't be writing
about it in her diary, she'd be out there doing it. And her best friend probably isn't talking to her
because she probably likes this guy, too. And he probably even flirted with her a little bit, but he
secretly likes your daughter. He just hasn't made his move yet because that wouldn't be cool. So
now her best friend is acting like some psycho freak. Okay?
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FREAKY FRIDAY
written by Heather Hach and Leslie Dixon, from the novel by Mary Rodgers
(Anna is fifteen. She has swapped bodies with her mother Tess.)
ANNA (AS TESS): Well, of course we’re tired because of our demanding and hectic ... Do you
want to know why adults are so tired all the time? Because they spend their time obsessing about
these stupid, lame things they don't really have to do. Like cooking. I mean, have you never
heard of takeout? And cleaning? Let's don’t and say we did! And quality time with your kids?
You know what? Quit bugging 'em! Leave 'em alone! They like it!
(Dottie Robertson: I-I-I don’t remember reading any of this in your book.)
Hello? It's called reading between the lines! Try listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Vines,
The Breeders. And if you're excited about something, why do you have to hold it in all the time?
You know, just scream about it! Okay, do this with me, all right? Let's just say this cute guy asks
you out. What are you gonna do? Whoo! Come on, that was pathetic!! You know, you keep all
that bottled up, no wonder you're getting old! I'm serious, this guy is hot! What are you gonna
do? Whooo!
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FREAKY FRIDAY
written by Heather Hach and Leslie Dixon, from the novel by Mary Rodgers
(Anna is fifteen. She has swapped bodies with her mother Tess.)
ANNA (AS TESS): Uh, hi. Um, I, I guess I'm gonna start the toasts. So, three years ago, we had
a really bad thing happen in our family. We lost a father and a husband, and I didn't think we'd
ever be able to get over it. But then... this guy next to me came into the picture. And everybody
could see I was happy again. I was singing in the shower again. Not well, I might add. But I was
still really worried about my kids, Anna and Harry. Whether they'd be able to accept a new man
in their life. And now I know how Anna feels. And, and what she feels is that...no one could ever
take the place of her dad...because he was a really, really great dad. But somebody could be part
of a new family. Its own kind of cool, new, little unit. And that for someone as special as Ryan,
that we would all just make a little room. Anna really wanted her mom to know that.
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IRRECONCILEABLE DIFFERENCES
written by Nancy Meyers & Charles Shyer
(Casey has taken her parents to court to “divorce” from them.)
CASEY BRODSKY: I'm just a kid, and I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. But I think you
should know better when you're all grown up. I think you should know how to act, and how to
treat people. And I think if you once loved someone enough to marry them, you should at least
be nice to them, even if you don't love 'em any more. And I think if you have a child, you should
treat that child like a human being and not like a pet. Not like you treat your dog or somethin'.
You know, when you have a dog sometimes you forget he's there, and then when you get lonely
suddenly you remember him, and you remember how cute he is and stuff, and you kiss him a lot,
but then the next day when you're busy again you don't notice him. That's how I've been treated
for the past four years, and you don't treat your kid like your dog. It's not right.
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JUNEBUG
written by Angus MacLachlan
ASHLEY: I hate hospitals, but it wasn't really all that scary. All the needles and stuff. It wasn't
that bad. I'll tell you what the scariest thing is to me - the scariest thing to me is Johnny. It is. He
didn't say nothin'. Not one word. At least I don't know what it is, and I think he really did want it,
too. Just a boy - you know how I know? I heard him tell your pa to paint the cradle brown. You
just wouldn't put a baby girl in a brown cradle. You just wouldn't.
I don't know what he's thinkin'. It's not my fault! And all that time and all that stuff I got and all
those months, it was just all for nothin'! And those doctors, they think they know everything but
they don't know anything! They don't know anything! Oh, I don't understand! I don't understand.
Why would God let this happen? Why would he? I just wanted something good to come out of
all this. I mean it... I really mean it.
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THE PRINCESS DIARIES
written by Gina Wendkos, from the novel by Meg Cabot
MIA: Hi, um... hello. I'm Mia. Um, it's stopped raining! I'm really no good at speech-making.
Normally I get so nervous that I faint or run away, or sometimes I even get sick. But you really
didn't need to know that... But I'm not so afraid anymore. See, my father helped me. Earlier this
evening had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne. And my mother helped me, by
telling me it was ok, and by supporting me like she has for my entire life. But then I wondered
how I'd feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved, or would I
feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I
ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people
out there on the planet, and... sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the
other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.
See, if i were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of people smarter than me
would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this
morning when I woke up, I was Mia Thermopolis. But now I choose to be forevermore, Amelia
Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia.
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STICK IT
written by Jessica Bendinger
HALEY GRAHAM: It's the same old championships but I am a totally different person. And
even though I am pretty sure I will be judged for who I was and not who I am I know I have to
face this. Four events and four judges per event. That's sixteen judges ready to tell us just how
badly we suck. Sixteen people ready to tell us just how perfect we're not. But here we are
chasing perfection. The problem is, perfection doesn't exist. But just try telling that to the judges.
It doesn't matter how hard we run or how high we flip. Leave your hands on the vault table too
long, deduction. If you use one arm instead of two, big deduction. And if your feet clip the vault
before they hit the floor, you're done. So you say you want lyrics in your floor music…haha…
huge deduction. The music finishes but you don't, two tenth deduction. It doesn't matter how
well you do. It's how well you follow their rules. And that just blows.
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WAITING FOR GUFFMAN
written by Parker Posey, a deleted scene from "Waiting For Guffman" written by
Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy
LIBBY: My name is Libby Mae Brown and this is my monologue. And, um, there's a bed right
here and... windows. (points) This is a hospital. The door's right through here. (The door is
apparently right behind the window) Through here. Um, this is the hallway. And um, this is the
chair that I sit in. And so, the bed is.. is right there. Um, I'll be just, you know, looking there.
(grabs her bag) My stuff. (She sits on the stool and looks at her monologue) Oh! I don't start
here. I start back in the hallway.
(She stands in the "hallway," breathes, puts on her character glasses. She holds her monologue
the entire scene. Libby as "Susan" walks up to the "door," breathes deeply, and uses her foot to
simulate knocking. She enters the "room.")
Billy? It's Susan. (She sits on the stool and gets a doll from her bag) I was going through my
trunk of souvenirs and I found this doll. The doll we used to play with before the war. Before
you went insane. You were sitting on that quilt that had at one time kept us warm and it was so
worn, Billy, and it smelled of mothballs which brought back all those memories of those times
that we spent in the attic. Locked up. With Muffin. And you told us that mother was wrong and
we were right. Didn't you, Muffin? And I took care of you and Billy. But Billy was much more
trouble than you, wasn't he, Muffin? Especially when he got to be bigger than Susan. And made
her do things she did NOT want to do. Things that made her sick! And mother pretended she
didn't know, but she did. Well, who's lying in bed in an insane asylum plugged into a life support
system? And who's wearing fine jewels and expensive clothes? And whose husband accidently
died just recently and left me all his money? (She stands, walks toward the "bed”)
Oh, this is a, there's a plug here that hooks up to where he's breathing and stuff. Um... lemme just
take it back. (She sits.)
And whose husband just accidently died and left her all his money? (she walks up to the "bed,"
unplugs the "plug" forcefully) And who's on top and who's on bottom, now?? Huh?? Who's on
top and who's on bottom, now?? (She walks to the "door.") I'll see you in Hell, Billy. But at least
I'm gonna have some fun before I get there! (She has problems finding the "door," but then
finally opens it and leaves.)… Scene!
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!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
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MEAN GIRLS
written by Tina Fey, from the book by Rosalind Wiseman
CADY: Huh, wow, thanks, um, well, half the people in this room are mad at me and the other
half only like me because they think I pushed someone in front of a bus, so that's not good. To all
the people whose feelings got hurt by the burn book, I'm really sorry. You know I've never been
to one of these things before and when I think about how many people wanted this, and how
many people cried over it and stuff, I mean, I think everybody looks great tonight. Look at
Jessica Lopez, that dress is amazing and Emma Gerber that hair do must have taken hours and
you look really pretty. So why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean it'sjust plastic, it's
really just (she breaks the crown). A piece for Gretchen Wieners, a partial Spring Fling Queen.
A piece for Janis Ian and a piece for Regina George, she fractured her spine and she still looks
like a rockstar, and some for everybody else.
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!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
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MEAN GIRLS
written by Tina Fey, from the book by Rosalind Wiseman
(Reading her English class essay, after being humiliated by Regina)
GRETCHEN: Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to
get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as
Caesar. 'K, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like
Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because
that's not what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Caesar!
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MEAN GIRLS
written by Tina Fey, from the book by Rosalind Wiseman
REGINA: Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I
know right, it's soooo embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in eighth grade I started
going out with my first boyfriend Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana-and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle,
she'd be like "Why didn't you call me back?!" and I'd be like, "Uh, why are you so obsessed with
me?" So then for my birthday party, which was an all girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't
invite you because I think you're a lesbian" I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party! There
were going to be girls there in their bathing suits! I mean right, she was a lesbian! So then her
mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then she dropped out
of school 'cause no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for high school and her
hair was all cut off and she was totally weird and now I guess she's on crack. (gasps and turns)
Oh my God! I love your skirt, where did you get it?
(Lea: It was my mom's in the '80s.)
Vintage, so adorable.
(Lea walks away.)
That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.
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MEAN GIRLS
written by Tina Fey, from the book by Rosalind Wiseman
JANIS: Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year.
And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to
be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh
about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her
gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - You
know my friend Cady. She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with
her. Oh God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash. (to Regina) God! I am so sorry
Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big
LESBIAN crush on you! Suck on THAT!
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MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO
written by Gus Van Sant, based on the play by William Shakespeare
MIKE: You can always tell where you are by the way the road looks. Like I just know that I
been to this place before. I just know that I been stuck here like this one damn time before, you
know that? There ain't no other road on earth that looks like this road. I mean, exactly like this
road. One of a kind. Like someone's face. Like a messed up face... Once you see it, even for a
second, you remember it, and you better not forget it, you gotta remember people and who they
are, right? Friends and enemies. You gotta remember the road and where it is too...(he moves
suddenly, as if to scare a small rabbit on the side of the road).. I Just love to scare things... I
don't know. It gives me a sense of....power. This is nowhere. I'll bet that nobody is ever going to
drive down this road. I'll be stuck here forever. I don't know when it was I recognized I had this
disease. Sometimes I'll be in one place, and I'll close my eyes... When I open them again, I'll be
in a completely different surrounding It's kind of like time travel. It's kind of good. Yeah. It's
kind of good. Passes the time. Unwanted as it is.
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THE OPPOSITE OF SEX
written by Don Roos
DeDee: Seems like everybody is having sex but me. It's not that I'm against sex. I mean, it was
clever of God or evolution or whatever to hook the survival of the species to it, because we're
gonna screw around no matter what. It was a smarter thing to pick than, say, the instinct to share
your toys or return phone calls. We'd have died out, like, eons ago. But on the minus side -- God,
all the attachment that goes with it. It's like this net. Sex always ends in kids or disease or, like,
you know, relationships. That's exactly what I don't want. I want the opposite of all that. Because
it's not worth it. Not really? Is it? When you think about it.
Okay, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not all crap. Maybe - damn it. I thought the whole idea
was I knew what happens next. I'll tell you one thing. I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house and
be this big changed person for you. I told you right off, I don't grow a heart of gold. And if I do,
which is, like, so unlikely, give me a break and don't make me do it in front of you! Come on,
guys, go okay? Go!
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PUMP UP THE VOLUME
written by Allan Moyle
MARK HUNTER/HAPPY HARRY: You see, I never planned it like this. My dumb dad got
me this short wave radio set so I could just speak to my friends back east, but I couldn't reach
anybody, I thought I was talking to nobody. I imagined that nobody was listening. Maybe I
imagined one person out there, anyway one day I woke up and I realized I was never going to be
normal and so I said screw it, I said so be it and Happy Harry Hard-on was born. I never meant
to hurt anyone, honestly I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry, Malcolm. I never said "Don't do
it" I'm sorry. Um...anyway I'm done, stick a fork in me, it's been grand. This is Happy Harry
Hard-on saying sayonara, over and out. (Turns his system off, only to turn it back on a few
moments later) You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate. What
possessed him. How could he do such a terrible thing? It's really quite simple actually. Consider
the life of a teenager. You have parents, teachers telling you what to do. You have movies,
magazines, and TV telling you what to do. But you know what you have to do. Your job, your
purpose, is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, and think up something great to do with the rest
of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny-looking
and you can't get a girlfriend? You see no one wants to hear it, but the terrible secret is that being
young is sometimes less fun than being dead. Suicide is wrong, but the interesting thing about it
is how uncomplicated it seems. There you are, you got all these problems swarming around your
brain, and here is one simple, one incredibly simple solution. I'm just surprised it doesn't happen
every day around here. No now they're going to say I said offing yourself is simple, but no, no,
no, no, it's not simple. It's like everything else: you have to read the fine print. For instance,
assuming there is a heaven--who would ever wanna go there, y'know? I mean think about it,
sitting on this cloud, you know it's nice, it's quiet, there's no teachers, there's no parents, but
guess what? There's nothing to do. Boring as hell. Another thing to remember about suicide is
that it is not a pretty picture. First of all, you crap your shorts, you know. So there you are dead,
people are weeping over you, crying, girls you never spoke to are saying, "Why? Why? Why?"
and you have a load in your shorts. That's the way I see it. Sue me. Now, they're saying I
shouldn't think stuff like this. They're saying something is wrong with me, that I should be
ashamed. Well, I'm sick of being ashamed. Aren't you? I don't mind being dejected and rejected,
but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. At least pain is real. You look around and you see
nothing is real, but the pain is real. You know, even this show isn't real. This isn't me; I'm using a
voice disguiser. I'm a phoney just like my Dad, just like anybody. You see, the real me is just as
worried as the rest of you. They say I'm disturbed. Well, of course I'm disturbed. I mean we're all
disturbed, and if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make
you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a helluva lot of sense than
blowing your _____’ing brains out you know. Go nuts, go crazy, get creative! You got
problems? You just chuck'em, nuke'em! They think you're moody? Make'em think you're crazy,
make'em think you might snap! They think you got attitude? You show'em some real attitude!
Come on, go nuts, get crazy. Hey no more Mr. Nice Guy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh god!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh yes. (Wild chaos and screaming from Mark & listeners)
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PUMP UP THE VOLUME
written by Allan Moyle
MARK: Okay this is really me now, no more hiding. Listen we're all worried, we're all in pain,
that just comes with having eyes with having ears, but just remember one thing it can't get any
worse, it can only get better. I mean high school is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks, but that's
the point, surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So
just hang on and hang in there. You know I know all about the hating and the sneering, I'm a
member of the why bother generation myself. But why did I bother coming out here tonight and
why did you? I mean it's time, it begins with us not with politicians, the experts, or the teachers,
but with us, with you and with me, the ones who need it most. I believe with everything that's in
me that the whole world is begging for healing, even the trees and the earth itself are crying out
for it, you can hear it everywhere. It's the same kind of healing I desperately needed and finally
feel has begun with you. (He turns to Nora.)
(A police chopper appears over head, interupting him; he and Nora speed off, trying to avoid the
authorities. They drive through the crowd of press, fans and spectators, as Mark stands up,
shouting at the crowd.)
Everyone mix it up, it's not game over yet, it's just the beginning, but it's up to you. I'm calling
for every kid to seize the air. Steal it, it belongs to you. Speak out, they can't stop you. Find your
voice and use it. Keep this going . Pick a name, go on air. It's your life, take charge of it. Do it,
try it, try anything. Spill your guts out and say what you want to, but you decide. Fill the air,
steal it. Keep the air alive--!
(His plug is literally pulled by a FCC official. He is no longer broadcasting and the police carry
Mark and Nora off to a police-car. He turns around, grinning strangely at the crowd, he takes off
his glasses--becoming Hard-Harry yet again--and then shouts...)
TALK HARD!
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ABRA CA DEBRA
Debra speaks in an exhausting stream-of-consciousness monologue.
DEBRA: Road signs are so confusing. Like, “Hidden Intersection.” Why hide it, then tell people
it’s there? And “Runaway Truck Lane”? I understand carpool lanes but why encourage people to
drive a runaway truck? Isn’t that what killed Wile E. Coyote?
(She does a hand-puppet “bird beak”)
“Meep meep!” Didn’t you just love him? Not him; the other guy. The “Meep meep” guy; the
chicken. And how come the government’s never come down on ACME Products? Selling
dynamite to wild animals; that’s gotta be illegal, right? I’ll be seventeen in three years - as long
as I don’t get in that “runaway truck lane” - and I’m going to need a driver’s license and a fleet
of trucks with my picture on the side like this:
(She poses, with the smile she pictures on the trucks.)
But right now just a car, maybe with one of those rack things on the roof, what are they called?
Rack-roofs?
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DAWSONS CREEK
created by Kevin Williamson
JEN: When you see Belinda and her clique in the hallway, you're desperately wishing that you
were walking with them, aren't you? And thinking that maybe if you were wearing the right
shoes, sporting the latest hairstyle, and using the hottest shade of lip gloss, then maybe they
would toss a glance in your direction. Ever wonder why they force their narrow-minded opinions
down our throats? Perhaps it's because they have an inkling of what the future has in store for
them beyond gradua- tion. Cut to 25 years from now, Belinda McGovern wakes up one morning
feeling empty. Maybe it's because her Dartmouth- educated lawyer husband Tad has run off to
Tijuana with her daughter's roommate from boarding school. Or maybe it's be- cause the twins,
Timmy and Tommy, call her by her first name and their live-in housekeeper "Mom." Or maybe
it's Belinda's daily 2:00, 5:00, 7:00, and 9:15 showdown with her bottle of Prozac. Her life has
become a domestic wasteland. Avoid this fate. Don't let yourself become another cookie-cutter
blonde, size 4, rah-rah-sis-bam-boom, mindless, soulless, spineless wench. Screw these
auditions, screw cheerleading, and screw Belinda McGovern.
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!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
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ABRA CA DEBRA
Someone notices Preston’s t-shirt. Uncharacteristically for him, he slowly gets excited as he
thinks his listener might be as engaged in this subject as he is.
PRESTON: This is FloorDeVoort. They’re the Beatles of Holland. They’ve had 49 top-ten hits
in the Netherlands. They started as funk-boogie-glam, then became more retro-pop, led by Bert
Kloostermann, who made his first guitar out of his parents’ old clogs. He left to form Candlefire
and Table Of Meat... before his uhh freak windmill accident. Oh well, as they say in Holland,
Gebraden duiven vliegen niet. “Roasted doves don’t fly.” Apparently they say it a lot. Hey! I’ve
got them on my iPod! Would you like to hear a coupla – no, no, that’s fine. … Dutch music
hater.
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MADISON HIGH
written by Lester Lewis
WEDNESDAY: When I first auditioned for the Footlights Camp For The Performing Arts, I
was extremely confident. “Wednesday,” my mom said, “you are the most confident, talented
little girl I’ve ever met. And I’m not just saying that because I’m your mother.” Well, the main
stage show that summer was “Annie” and of course I was determined to play the lead. But the
night before, my impossibly annoying younger brother viciously attacked my hair with a wad of
gum! My stylist had to make an emergency house call. Luckily, saved my do by making it…
shorter. He called is “prison-chic.” So I went to the audition and blew the roof off with my
rendition of “Tomorrow.” Soon I got word I was a Footlights camper-to-be. But my joy was
fleeting. You see, I had been cast in “Annie.” But not as the lead… but as Orphan Boy Number
3. They thought I was a boy!
(Someone in the audience starts giggling.)
Don’t laugh! I had a buzz-cut! That was a very personal, humiliating story!
(More giggling. The teacher comes out on stage, takes Wednesday by the arm and leads her off.)
I do not look like a boy!!!
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB
written by John Hughes
ANDY: Do you guys know what I did to get in here? I taped Larry Lester's buns together. Yeah,
you know him? Well then, you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off,
most of his hair came off and some skin too. And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old
man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think I was cool. He's always going off
about, you know, when he was in school, all the wild things he used to do, and I got the feeling
that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So, I'm sitting in the locker
room and I'm taping up my knee and Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me and he's
kinda, kinda skinny, weak, and I started thinking about my father and his attitude about
weakness, and the next thing I knew I, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him. Then
my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's
office, all I could think about was Larry's father and Larry having to go home and explain what
happened to him. And the humiliation, the humiliation he must have felt. It must have been
unreal. I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way. It's all because of
me and my old man. God, hate him! He's like, he's like this mindless machine I can't even relate
to anymore. "Andrew, you've got to be number one. I won't tolerate any losers in this family."
Screw him. You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give and I wouldn't be able to wrestle
anymore. He could forget all about me.
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!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
HEARTLAND
written by Lauren Brooke
(Amy’s mother died in a car crash while rescuing a horse. Amy is looking at Spartan, the horse
her mother rescued, when her grandfather walks up.)
AMY: Why did you bring him here Grampa? He doesn’t trust me. Every time he looks at me, he
remembers that night.
There’s something I have to tell you. I was riding with Saroya. There was a storm coming. We
needed to get home fast… We took a shortcut through Mallen’s farm, even though mom said
never to go there. And then I heard him, like he was calling to me… I don’t know how long he’d
been left in there, but he was pretty beaten up, you could see he was starving. I didn’t know what
to do, so I went to get Mon. I knew she would save him… And that’s why Mom is dead. Because
of me!
What am I going to do now, Grampa?
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!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
VAMPIRE TOMATO
MEGAN: Well I’ve pretty much known Trevor since I was like six, so he doesn’t really seem
weird to me. I’d rather be friends with him than half the other idiots at school. The other day in
the middle of bio, Brett Hargrove stood up on his desk and farted in my face and then asked me
if I wanted to go see a movie. Yeah. Yeah Brett I do… It’s a weird time right now, people are
hooking up and breaking up and arguing over whether oral counts as losing it. Is my neighbour a
vampire isn’t really top of my list of questions right now. Also, he’s not – obviously, but you can
feel free to tell him that because I won’t. Like it can get pretty boring here. Well, it IS pretty
boring here, so you know a lot of people do drugs or drink or try to waterski in the irrigation
ditches behind a pickup—that’s how Valerie Parsons broke her spine. She’s fine now, she just
has a brace… and she’s still a giant slut so go figure. So a vampire, well it’s not exactly exciting,
but it’s better than breaking your spine for amusement… Do I like Trevor? Umm, well yeah but
not like… he’s like my brother sort of, well I mean. Whatever, it wouldn’t matter anyway he’s
not into gingers so… Don’t ask me that again.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
LESS THAN KIND
(After his Hebrew teacher shames him in front of the class and asks another student, Ira, to show
Sheldon “…how a man reads Torah.”)
SHELDON: You think reading from the Torah makes us men? The Lakota Indians have a
passage to manhood called the Sundance ritual: Two incisions are made into your chest. Then
pegs, carved from the bone of buffalo, are inserted into the cuts. A rope is tied to a tree and then
to the pegs. You dance back and forth to the tree three times, then, the fourth time, you pull with
all you got, ripping the pegs right out of the skin. Then, while the blood oozes, you cut off the
skin and place it at the base of the tree. That’s a ritual that would make your parents proud. Now,
I got a tree picked out. Who’s with me? Ira?
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
UNTITLED CHARLES OFFICER TV PILOT
JOB: There is no more fascinating study or interest than the subject of conjuring, or, what it is
popularly called, “Magic.” The story of magic is as old as recorded history. A story written
nearly 4000 years ago tells of a magician performing in King Pharoah’s court. Magicians
performed in the streets and marketplaces of ancient Greece, Rome and Africa. Almost every
society has some form of magic. Magic is based on the manipulation of five elements; ether, air,
fire, water and earth. The main thing is to have a good connection with the elements you choose
to work with. All of nature is made of these five elements.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
LOTUS
SEBASTIAN: So you know that dream you keep having? The one where all your teeth fall out?
Well, yesterday I was at Dr. Fitzer and I asked her if she knew what it meant. You know what
she says? “I dunno, what?”, and just goes on polishing. So I say, “in the two hundred years
you’ve been a dentist, you’ve never come across anyone who knew what the losing-your-teeth
dream means?”. She just shrugs, “Maybe it means he’s not brushing enough”. I mean, I don’t
think she’s even a real dentist. She’s probably just a failed stand-up comic who couldn’t get a job
waiting tables. It’s the only explanation. She’s always telling those horrible jokes whenever she’s
got that tool in your mouth, that way she can pretend the only reason you’re not in hysterics is
that you’ve got 30-metric-tons of suction yanking at your cheek. It’s the perfect cover for being
unfunny. The good news is still no cavities. My dad is like flipping out about it. To him it’s
basically an ‘A’ at the dentist, and that’s the first ‘A’ I’ve gotten since second grade penmanship.
And get this. He says if I still don’t have any cavities in six months, he’ll buy me a computer.
Ben, are you even listening to me?
(Ben: What?)
This town’s water supply is like thirty-percent Flouride. I’m getting a computer!
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
CITIZEN DUANE
(Duane is running for mayor of his town.)
DUANE: Good evening citizens of Ridgeway. A lot of you ask: What does a high school student
know about politics in the real world? To them I say: You are right – I don’t know about the real
world – A high school student knows about high school, and this is what I know: I know that the
best and brightest get shoved aside for the biggest and loudest. I know that it’s popularity that
carries the day, not merit. And I know that the rules aren’t there for the benefit of the students –
the rules are there to benefit the people in charge. And I also know one other thing: none of this
is fair and it has to change. What does a high school student know about politics in the real
world? On Election Day, you can answer that for yourselves.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
DEX HAMILTON, ALIEN ENTOMOLOGIST
Check, Check...Is this thing on? You guys move slower than a herd of Solar Slugs back there!
Just kidding, a little alien entomologist humour there!
Anyway, my name is Dex Hamilton, and as you might know, I have the BEST job in the galaxy!
Every show I travel to unexplored planets and study some of the most beautiful insects ever
known! I mean, who else gets to study man-eating Devil Banshees, outsmart devious Cranium
Crickets and wrangle Slimey Sand Slippers, and all before breakfast! I don’t know about you
mate, but that’s ACES in my book!
So if you want to be an Entomologist, you better get your rest, because SCIENCE NEVER
SLEEPS!...Although my mate Tongue sure does...for like hours! He actually slept through
February once! It’s a good thing he eats when he sleeps though...which reminds me, you better
lock your fridge mate!
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
LICENSE TO WED
written by Kim Barker, Tim Rasmussen & Vince Di Meglio, based on a story by Kim
Barker and Wayne Lloyd
CHOIR BOY: I came to talk. Reverend Frank didn’t send me, I came on my own. Reverend
Frank feels like a failure. He didn’t want you to split up, he wanted you to succeed and get
married. When Reverend Frank first started marrying couples at the church, a lot of them ended
up getting divorced a few years later. It broke his heart and almost made him quit. But then he
devised his Prep Course. Every couple that’s ever made it through has stayed married. It’s a
100% success rate. Too many people today just jump right into marriage without thinking. They
get married in Vegas when they’re drunk. They sign pre-nups and get married six times.
Reverend Frank is just trying to protect the institution. Ultimately, he’s trying to protect you, too.
So whatever you do, don’t be too hard on him. He’s just doing what he thinks is best.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
UNACCOMPANIED MINORS
written by Jacob Meszaros and Mya Stark
SPENCER: So, uh… hey. It’s really nice to meet you. Pretty weird that our moms go to the
same hair place, huh? I hope you don’t mind they’re making us have lunch together. I guess it
beats hanging out in the arcade for an hour, you know?
(…)
So, your mom said you’re into music. Yeah, so am I. Hey do you like Franz Ferdinand? I think
they’re cool. I kinda play the guitar. I’m pretty good at it. I don’t have a band or anything, but I
play in my room. I mean, I don’t jump around air guitaring or anything stupid like that. People
who do that are really lame. Like, there’s this kid in my school who was air guitaring in the A/V
room and one of the teachers came in and saw him but the kid didn’t know it at first and when he
saw the teacher he was so embarrassed that the kid crapped his pants. What a dork, huh?
(…)
I guess it’s a pretty stupid story. Probably didn’t happen. The kids in my school lie a lot. Is it
really hot in here?
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
BANDSLAM
written by Josh A. Cagan and Todd Graff
(After losing a “Battle of the Bands” Will speaks to his band, showing slides)
WILL: Look at them, everybody. For all their ridiculousness, this is a band. They have an
identifiable sound. Granted, it’s the exact same sound as Interpol, but you get it, immediately.
(next slide) No one hates these guys more than me, but again, ten second with their corny John
Deere hats and you get it.
That’s what we need. And we don’t have it. Not yet. We need to take all this psychotic energy
and talent and turn it into something new. We find that and we’re golden. The Chinese will
change their calendar to the year of I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On. Sorry, was that racist?
(Kim Li: I’m Korean.)
You guys ever heard of Bluebeat? Basher, get behind your drumkit. Please. Now, gimme a Sly
and Robbie kind of groove. Something TwoTone, something that skanks. Everyone knows you
can beat that kit senseless. Real power is in holding back. Control. Finding a groove. Go on.
Less. Less. Think Police. The Wailers. It’s all about tension.
Sweet! No wonder you’re a legend. Bug – listen to what he’s doing and play against it. But leave
some air. Don’t fill up every single second.
That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what you call a rhythm section. Now, Bug stay on the F.
Everybody else, just make up a part. Don’t worry about it being perfect, just make it fit with
what you’re hearing.
What song should we play? Doesn’t matter. Any song where the changes are simple. And the
words are heartfelt. And the melody is… wait. I have an idea…
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
BANDSLAM
written by Josh A. Cagan and Todd Graff
WILL: CBGB’s. The nerve centre of everything that mattered in music for the past forty years.
And it closed before I ever got to step inside.
Look at it. It’s a dive. A toilet. Just like I knew it would be. Birthplace of Punk. The Ramones.
Patti Smith. Bad Brains. BlackFlag. Without CB’s there’s no Sex Pistols or the Clash. So U2
doesn’t get inspired to form a band in Ireland. And the Killers don’t hear U2 in Vegas and decide
to pick up a guitar. And the Police don’t decide not to be jazz band. The list is endless. Then the
rent got jacked, like, two thousand percent, so now CBGB’s is just a tee shirt Paris Hilton wears
when she wants to look “cool.” Anyway, I knew it would be my favourite spot. What’s yours?
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
ELECTION
written by Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor, from the novel by Tom Perotta
Paul: Senior year was great. Sure, I didn't get to play ball or be president but I got elected
Homecoming King and Prom King. I got into Nebraska, like I wanted and early rushed Phil
Delts. And at the end of the year, me and my buddies threw a rockin' Mexican party down at the
cement plant. Damn, that was a good party! The only really bad thing about senior year was Lisa.
Right before Christmas she dumped me. One minute she's to- tally in love with me, and then
boom, she goes after my football buddy Randy. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened
if I had actually won the election. Maybe my whole life would be different. Like I might never
have gone to Yosemite with Greg and Travis. Or maybe I'd be dead.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
ELECTION
written by Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor, from the novel by Tom Perotta
Travis: This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to
say this: Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed
to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the L.A.
city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful
crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might
never be tardy.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
CLERKS
written by Kevin Smith
RANDALL: You know what I just watched?....Return of the Jedi....There was something else
going on in Jedi. I never noticed it until today. They build another Death Star, right?....Now the
first one they built was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it....And the
second one was still being built when they blew it up. Something just never sat right with me the
thing is, the first Death Star was manned by the Imperial army-stormtroopers, dignitaries-the
only people on board were Imperials....So when they blew it up, no prob. Evil is punished....The
second time around, it wasn't even finished yet. They were still under construction. A
construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more man- power than the
Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing:
plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers. Not just Imperials....In order to get it built quickly and
quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average stormtrooper knows
how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms....All those innocent
contractors hired to do a job were killed- casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All
right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the
wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia-this is a government contract, which means all sorts
of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out
everything within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics.
You're just trying to scrape out a living. That never sat right with me.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
CAN’T HARDLY WAIT
written by Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont
PRESTON: Look, I don't know about you, but I really believe that there is one person out there
... for everybody. That's what this is about ... (points to letter he is holding in his hand) It's not
just some sappy love letter telling her how my heart stops everytime that I see her. It's in there
though. It's not just to tell her that I think she's more than just the homecoming queen. Or Mike's
girlfriend. That there is this amazing person inside her that nobody bothers to see. It's in there too
... but, what it's really about, is that if she'd just give me a chance, just one chance ... maybe we
could find out if there is a reason for all of this. Why she's not with Mike tonight and after four
years, I'm still here with this letter. Maybe we could find out what that reason is. Y'know? It's
time to find out. I think I'm ready to do this. Finally.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
CAN’T HARDLY WAIT
written by Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont
PRESTON: This is so perfect. Amanda Beckett is single and on the night of this party. A party
I'll be attending, a party she'll be attending. It's all falling into place, it's like...it's...fate. Amanda
and I are connected. We have been ever sense the first day she came to school. It was October,
freshman year. First day in history I had ever missed the bus. If I had arrived on time, I never
would of seen her. But as it was, I was the first person at Hills High to set eyes on Amanda
Beckett. It was her first day at school. Then, I'm sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast, when
suddenly, out of all the class rooms in the entire school ... she comes into mine. And where does
the teacher sit her ... right next to me. Now, up until now, we can write this off to a coincidence.
But then, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart. The very same breakfast
pastry that I was consuming at that very moment.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
STAND BY ME
written by Raynold Gideon and Bruce A. Evans, based on the novella by Stephen King
CHRIS: It's the way people think of my family in this town. It's the way they think of me. Just
one of those lowlife Chambers-kids. It's true! No one even asked me if I took the milkmoney that
time. I just got a three-day vacation. You knew I took it. Teddy knew I took it. Everyone knew I
took it. Even Vern knew it I think. Maybe I was sorry and I tried to give it back. Maybe. And
maybe I took it to Old Lady Simons and told her. And the money was all there. But I still got a
three-day vacation because it never showed up. And maybe the next week Old Lady Simons had
that brand new skirt on when she came to school. So let's just say that I stole the milk money but
Old Lady Simons stole it back from me. Just suppose that I told the story. Me, Chris Chambers,
kid brother of the Eyeball Chambers. You think that anybody would have believed it? And d'you
think that that witch would have dared try something like that if it would have been one of those
preps from up on The View if they had taken the money? Oh no! But with me! I'm sure she had
her eyes on that skirt for a long time. Anyway she saw her chance and she took it. I was the
stupid one for even trying to give it back. I never thought - I never thought that a teacher-Oh who
cares anyway? I just wish I could go to some place where nobody knows me. I guess I'm just a
wuss, Gordie.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
THE GOONIES
written by Chris Columbus, based on a story by Steven Spielberg
(Chunk is being interrogated by criminals who think he knows something about the location of a
hidden treasure.)
CHUNK: Everything? Okay! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my his- tory exam. In fourth
grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew
School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the
dog...When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got
nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out...But the worst thing I ever done -- I mixed a pot of
fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to
the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa -- and then I
dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the
people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire
life.
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
created by Joss Whedon
(Spike is on the top of a building overlooking the scene of Angel rescuing a girl.)
SPIKE: (impersonates girl with a silly high-pitched voice) "How can I thank you, you
mysterious black-clad hunk of the night thing?" (impersonates Angel with deep voice) "No need
little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a big bad vampire, but
love—and a pesky curse—defanged me. And now I'm just a biiig fluffy puppy with bad teeth. …
No, not the hair, never the hair." (girl voice) "There must be some way I can......show my
appreciation..." (Angel voice) "No. Helping those in need's my job. And, working up a load of
sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough." (girl) "I
understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so...." (Angel, "interrupts") "Say no more. Evil's still
afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly! To the Angelmobile. Away!"
</=%!7);/(-.-!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-.-/00-12,''3-4'5-6,7+*(8295-1:-6;1-<=>-.-?;@AB-0@>C/@D@-
!"#$$%&'()*%+'(,-../(0#$%1/$"234%567/08%9$#..-.%,('%:/;.23--0.%
!"#$%&'()*+,'()-./+01)2++3)4+03)&')5&$6)7)/#$#8&1&+'9:)
!!!"#$%&'()$*"+,-
VARSITY BLUES
written by W. Peter Iliff
MOXON: Before this game started Kilmer said 48 minutes for the next 48 years of our lives. I
say screw that. I say screw that! Let's go out there and play the next 24 minutes for the next 24
minutes and leave it all on the field. We have our whole lives to be mediocre but we have the
chance to play like gods for the next half of football. But we cant be afraid to lose. There's no
room for fear in this game. If we go out there and we play out at 50% because we're scared then
all we're left with is an excuse. We're always gonna wonder. But if we go out there and give it
absolutely every- thing, I say we're gonna win. Let's be heroes! Come on! Come on...!
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MY SO CALLED LIFE
created by Winnie Holzman
ANGELA: Why don't you just admit it, okay?
(Patty: Admit what?)
That I'm ugly, okay?
(Patty: What? How can you think--)
By looking in the mirror, okay? By looking at you, the way you look at me. By the way you
instruct me on how to wash my face so I don't get zits. Like you have to fix me, like you're
ashamed of me. You expect me to be beautiful...'cause you're beautiful. Well, I'm sorry. I'm not.
I'm just not.
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MY SO CALLED LIFE
created by Winnie Holzman
ANGELA: Love is when you look into someone's eyes, and sud- denly, you go all the way
inside, to their soul... and you both know, instantly. I always imagined I would fall in love,
nursing a blind soldier. Who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the
middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought, at least, by the age of fifteen, I
would have a love life. But, I don't even have a "like" life.
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CLUELESS
written by Amy Heckerling
CHER: Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong
about Christian, and now Josh hates me. It all boils down to one inevitable conclusion, I am just
totally clueless... Oh and this whole Josh and Ty thing is wiggin' me more than anything. I mean,
what is my problem? Ty is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boy- friend. I really... (looks into a
store window) Oooh! I wonder if they have that in my size! (comes out of the store with bags in
hand) What does she want with Josh anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock,
he's not even cute in a conventional way... I mean, he's just like this slug that hangs around the
house all the time! Ugh! And he's a hideous dancer, couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second,
what am I stressing about, this is like, Josh. Okay, okay......so he's kind of a Baldwin. What
would he want with Ty, she couldn't make him happy, Josh needs someone with imagination,
someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes in case he ever makes any...the
suddenly… … Oh my god! I love Josh! I'm majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh! But
now I don't know how to act around him. I mean normally I'd strut around in my cutest little
outfits, and send myself flowers and candy but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.
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DIRTY DANCING
written by Eleanor Bergstein
FRANCIS: I told you I was telling the truth Daddy. I'm sorry I lied to you. … But you lied too.
You told me everyone was alike and deserved a fair break. But you meant everyone who was
like you. You told me you wanted me to change the world, make it better. But you meant by
becoming a lawyer or an economist and marrying someone from Harvard. … I'm not proud of
myself, but I'm in this family too and you can't keep giving me the silent treatment. … There are
a lot of things about me that aren't what you thought. But if you love me, you have to love all the
things about me. And I love you, and I'm sorry I let you down, I'm so sorry Daddy. But you let
me down too.
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REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE
written by Stewart Stern and Irving Shulman, story by Nicholas Ray
JUDY: He must hate me. He hates me. I know he does. He looks at me like I'm the ugliest thing
in the world. He doesn't like my friends. He doesn't like one thing about me. He called me - he
called me a dirty tramp. My own father. I don't know if he means it. I mean maybe he doesn't
mean it, but he acts like he does. We were together. We were gonna celebrate Easter and we
were gonna catch a double bill. Big Deal! So I put on my new dress and I came out, and he
grabbed my face and started rubbing off all the lipstick. I thought he'd rub off my lips. And I ran
out of that house. I'll never get close to anybody.
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10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU
written by Karen McCullah Lutz and Kirsten Smith, based on “The Taming of the Shrew”
by William Shakespeare
KAT: I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my
car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick-it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh-even worse when you make me cry. I
hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don't
hate you - - not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.
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ROSWELL
based on the book by Melinda Metz
LIZ: Don't say anything, ok? Um, because I...I came in here with this whole speech, and once
you start talking, my speech doesn't apply, and everything gets changed, and I just want to make
sure that I say everything to you, so just don't say anything. Just don't say anything. Ok, I...I just
re- read "Romeo and Juliet", and you know, the first thing that I realized is that isn't even the
title. It's called "The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet." They die. You know, she's this young girl,
she...she's younger than me, and she dies. Look, I think the reason why people think that it's such
a roman- tic play is they don't know what it's like to be put in that position...but when your life
and...and other people's lives are...are put at risk, there isn't anything romantic about it. Max, you
can't stop what's happening to you. I mean, your life will always be dangerous, but my life, it
doesn't have to be. My life is only in danger if I am with you. I...I want to be in love with
boys...normal boys. I...I want to see my 21stbirthday. I...I want to have a wedding day. I...I...I
want to have children...and I want my children to be safe. You know, Max, if...if you truly love
me, you'll let me go. I may love you, but I...I don't want to die for you.
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ROSWELL
based on the book by Melinda Metz
LIZ: September 27th. I'm Liz Parker and I'll never look at the stars in the sky the same way
again. I'll never look at anything the same way again. What did Max Evans mean when he said
I'll see you in school? Was it I won't be able to breathe until we met again. Or was it just
something someone says to like, fill space. And what is he thinking right now, is he also tortured,
obsessed, going from one sleepless night to the next wonder- ing what's going to happen between
us? Since I found out about Max, Mi- chael, and Isabelle I've been thinking a lot about secrets.
That for everyone who has a secret there's someone who needs to know what that secret is. How
secrets sometimes keep people from feeling like they belong. And sometimes secrets make you
feel like you do belong. And now, even I, Liz Parker, smallest of small town girls, even I, have
something to hide.
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CAN’T HARDLY WAIT
written by Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont
DENISE: I know exactly who you are. You're Kenny Fisher...we used to...we used to play
Miami Vice in my basement. You used to sleepover my house...you had to leave the hall light on
every night. You're Kenny Fisher who used to buy me a card every Valentine's Day and a bag of
those little hearts with the words on them. And you're Kenny Fisher who suddenly got too cool
to hang out with me when we hit junior high. Cause, I was in all the smart classes, and cause my
parent's didn't make a lot of money. And cause you desperately needed to sit at the trendy table
in the cafeteria.
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