Student Libel 2007

Transcription

Student Libel 2007

THURTENE NAMES SU AS ‘07 CHARITY
Says Thurtene chair: ‘We felt bad when they ran out of money’
STUDENT LIBEL
MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2007
WWW.STUDDEATH.COM
THE FACTUALLY INACCUR ATE TABLOID OF WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY IN D.C. SINCE 1878
HIGH SPEED CHASE
TEARS ACROSS CAMPUS
MILLIONS OF POINTS STOLEN FROM BEAR’S DEN
Cashiers held at gunpoint in four-hour standoff
DEAN SANSALONE SNAKES ON THE 40
Hundreds
of
students
attacked
CUTS OWN JOB
Full story, page 2
MOINESTER
CLUBS
BABY
SEAL
in freak serpentine infestation
SQUIRREL
MAULS
HAWK
Moinester speaks out: ‘They may
be cute, but they’re also tasty’
STUDENT LIBEL EXCLUSIVE:
WRIGHTON, PATTY MAYONNAISE LOVE AFFAIR SCANDAL
2 STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE
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Copyright 2007
Snaggletooth: Sklifford the Big Red Dog
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Klein, Felicia Baskin
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MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007
Dean Sansalone cuts own position
BY PENELOPE PUSSYFOOT
EXECUTIVE INVESTIGATATIVE ASSOCIATE
MANAGING REPORTER EDITOR PERSON
In the latest move to a series of sweeping changes to
the School of Engineering
and Applied Sciences, Dean
of Engineering and Applied
Sciences Mary Sansalone mistakenly eliminated the position of Dean of Engineering
and Applied Sciences on Friday, reported sources from
the University.
“This is ridiculous,” remarked a frustrated Sansalone. “I mean, I only took
the position last fall, and
already I’ve got to clean out
my belongings and leave the
school.”
As with the streamlining
of the dual degree program
in October 2006, the elimination of the position was
made in order to cut the engineering school’s budget.
Due to the sheer amount of
changes made to the school,
however, Sansalone only realized her abrupt dismissal
several days after she had
made the decision.
“I mean, I can understand
how the University and the
School of Engineering’s got
to move forward and stuff,”
she continued, “but recently
the changes have just been
too much. I remember when
the administration used to
care about the student engineer as a hard-working individual. Or for that matter, the
individual dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences as
a hard-working, budget-cutting individual.”
COURTESY OF DEAN JOLLEY SEVER
Didn’t realize Dean Sansalone was small enough to fit in your standard cardboard box? Well she is. As this image
shows, her head is slightly larger than a coffee cup.
Past
controversy
with
Sansalone’s instituted changes have included the January
2006’s “Plan for Excellence”,
involving the merging of
two
engineering
departments into the Department
of Mechanical, Aerospace
and Structural Engineering,
in addition to the outright
elimination of the undergraduate Aerospace Engineering major.
Sansalone
questioned
how many of her instituted
changes were made for the
purpose of placing further
emphasis upon the Biomedical Engineering Department,
suggesting that she should
have better communicated
her vision for the School of
Engineering to herself.
“Yeah, BME’s been the
strongest department, but
it’s not like I couldn’t have
told myself about where I
wanted to take the school
and what I was willing to
eliminate. A warning to myself ahead of time would’ve
been nice. God, I totally feel
like [former dual degree program advisor] Judy [Sawyer]
right now. This is what happens in a bureaucracy closed
off from the students, faculty, and deans.”
Sawyer, who had worked
with the School of Engineering for 16 years as an advisor, was asked to leave her
position last fall as one of
Sansalone’s changes to the
school.
While she expressed a
desire to have maintained
better communication with
herself, Sansalone in the end
said she would move on.
“In retrospect, I would
have liked to hold an audience with myself to see how
valuable the position of dean
was to me. You’ve got to learn
to open up dialogues with
and answer questions to
yourself, since leadership is
about accountability; otherwise, you won’t understand
the preferences of yourself,
and end up isolating yourself
from those making the decisions and budget cuts. Still,
it was an exciting time while
it lasted. Even with such a
short tenure, I’ve definitely
made my mark on this place,
and I won’t forget that, and
neither will a lot of the engineering students.”
Libraries institute new restroom fee
BY POOPY MCPOOP
SANITATION EDITOR
Washington
University
Libraries will institute Restroom fees beginning this May.
The libraries expect the new
pay-per-poop policy to reduce
the enormous volume of sewage produced by the University library community. During
the fall semester, the University spent over $2 million on
dumping 137,000 metric tons
of library sewage into the Missouri River. The new policy is
expected to take a bite out of
this problem.
Previously, Olin Library
had posted signs in the restrooms encouraging students
to dispose of bodily waste
in moderation. The signs
were almost totally ignored.
“Wash. U. students poop
like no one else in the country,” said Birley Shaker, dean
of campus plumbing. “The
amount grows every year. We
would like to be able to provide everybody free usage of
the restrooms, but when you
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look at the numbers, it’s just
not sustainable.”
Shaker stated that profit
was not a motive. “It’s true
we’ll be taking in an extra $7
million dollars in net revenue
under the new initiative, but
the pricing system is completely rational and fair: 35
cents for a urinal flush and
50 cents for a sit down toilet. That way, the people who
poop or piss the most pay the
most.” She added, “plus, we
need that money. Whispers
doesn’t exactly pay for itself.”
For the past five years,
restroom usage has almost
quadrupled. Shaker attributed the steep rise to what she
calls “professor quirk drinking games.” “It seems the
new rage is to attend classes
taught by eccentric professors
and take a shot every time
they exhibit some strange behavior. It’s all fun and games
until that liquid reaches your
colon. Then it’s my problem.”
Shaker said.
Campus
environmental
groups have hailed the new
policy. “One of the goals of
Green Action is to get students
to think about their impact
on the environment each and
every day. Now that students
have to fork over some cash
every time they flush, maybe
MR. HANKEY I STUDENT LIBEL
Dammit, I only have enough points for single-ply. Why the hell did I splurge on that Snickers Bar? I was just too
hungry to wait. Well, no one is going to want to shake my hand for a while...
they’ll remember what their
fecal matter is doing to the
local beaver population,” said
Todd Thompson, president of
Green Action.
Not everyone was thrilled
about this action, however.
“It’s ridiculous!” said David
Stein, a junior majoring in
physical education. “First
they take away free printing
and now this. The only thing
they’ve done is guaranteed
that I’m going to poop twice
as much in Eads. Also, I understand Chancellor Wrighton’s
house still has free restroom
use. He can expect to see me
twice a day every day.”
Already the library has
documented an increase in
restroom usage by students
preparing for the coming payment policy.
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STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE
Construction under construction
BY FAKE NAME
FAKE POSITION
Clear out the crane—here
comes the wrecking ball. The
new underground garage currently under construction on
main campus will be demolished
Monday to make room for a new
project. Though details were
unavailable at time of press,
anonymous administrator Janet
Grover confirmed that the University is calling the project a
“Subterranean Parking Facility.”
The facility, to be named after
Chancellor Wrighton’s daughter’s dog emeritus Muffins Danforth, will be similar to the one
demolished, only with thinner
walls and a diminished sense of
community.
“Honestly, we didn’t even hire
a new architect. We’re actually
using the same blueprints,” Grover admitted.
Gregory Powers, assistant
dean of mollification, rebutted.
“That is not true at all,” he
said. “We’re adding this gigantic
seal that you can read right-side
up and upside down. We’re also
toying with the idea of a fountain.”
Although Powers could neither confirm nor deny rumors
that other University space will
be put to use as temporary parking during the construction, he
suggested, “If I were you, I would
not be standing in line at Whispers Café next Tuesday, during,
say, rush hour.”
Chancellor Wrighton did not
return phone calls, though his
secretary’s secretary justified
the move in an e-mail. She wrote,
“That old garage was so 2006.”
Most students reacted to the
news with apathy.
“Excuse me, I’m trying to
study,” said a freshman in Olin
library. “Ouch,” she added when
further prodded.
Officer Spoons
‘n’ Fruit arrests
Center Court
thieves
v Cracks down on banana snatchers
SCHMITTGENS | STUDENT LIBEL
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they
come for you?
BY ALFONZO DEBUSSY
BANANA SNATCHER
It was a just another day
at Center Court—yesterday’s
meat loaf had become today’s
chili surprise, and all was
well. But in a blinding flash,
everything changed.
Security Officer Spoons ‘n’
Fruit leapt into action, streaking past the buffets to blindside a couple of would-be fruit
thieves. The officer quickly
subdued the suspects, described as white males wearing ball caps, American Eagle
t-shirts and cheap flip-flops.
Three forks, two apples and
several bananas were confiscated as illegal contraband.
“Most Center Court patrons are honest, hardworking
Americans,” said ‘n’ Fruit. “But
I can tell a ‘nanner-snatcher
from 15 tables away. If you can
smell the hair product, that’s a
good bet. They use it to cover
the scent of their stolen citruses.”
Onlookers watched in disbelief as the part-time B&D security officer cuffed and cavity searched the two suspects.
When asked why such extreme
measures were necessary, ‘n’
Fruit warned that, “You never
know where they’ll be willing
to stick a banana.”
Though the disturbance
was brief, Center Court closed
its doors early to allow WUPD
to perform a full investigation.
“We see this kind of thing
more and more. Maybe it’s the
price of gas going up. Maybe
they need the oranges to make
meth,” remarked Police Chief
Don Strom.
“All I know,” added ‘n’ Fruit,
“is that these kids may be
Wash. U. students, but they’re
all amateurs. Sometimes their
fingers are still sticky from
the last job.”
Spoons ‘n’ Fruit was hired
through an ad in “Soldier of
Fortune” magazine after the
Great Plate Pilfering of 2005.
To date, ‘n’ Fruit has made 12
arrests, all but one of which
resulted in felony convictions. The last suspect, Jimmy
Gongers, hung himself before
his court date.
Chief Strom refused to
comment on any pending
charges, instead advising future thieves to “stick to pizza
and beer. They’re better for
you, anyway.”
GO TWINS!!!!!!!
WORLD SERIES
CHAMPS 2007!
happy opening day :)
Freshman Katy Smith, who
asked not to be named, said
“Buildings disappear from this
campus faster than a lecturer in
Arts & Sciences without tenure.”
While Grover objected to that
particular analogy, she agreed
that there has been a high turnover in recent years. She noted,
however, that this will be the
school’s first pre-dedication demolition.
In light of the anticipated
bulldozing, the Economics Department has expressed concern
over the future of the new Social
Sciences building, also currently
under construction.
Grover was quick to reassure.
“The University has no current renovation plans for that
site,” she said. “At least not this
week.”
3
please
do not
write
in this
space
TKE ‘Super Smash
Brothers’ party gone wild
BY SCRUFF MCGRUFF
CRIME DOG
In what was originally billed
as a “Super Smash Brothers
Party,” a Tau Kappa Epsilon
(TKE) video game party was
broken up by WUPD officers
at 2:30 a.m. early Saturday
morning when they received
reports of loud and excessive
noise coming from the usually
dormant building.
Upon entering the scene,
Police Xhief Don Strom was
horrified by what he saw: a
completely naked TKE member fi lming a Girls Gone Wild
sequence in front of a crowd
of ogling TKE members taking pictures with their camera
phones.
“That image will forever be
burned into my retinas,” said
Strom. “I thought I would never see anything more shocking
than that time I saw a drunk
freshman defecate himself,
but seeing this behavior at the
TKE house is just earth shattering. Wow.”
The visibly drunk unidentified females, believed to be underage mail-order brides from
Russia, were taken into custody for questioning where they
directed police efforts to the
basement of the TKE house. A
warrant led the police to the
basement, where they found
over $5,000 worth of alcohol,
a pet chimpanzee stolen from
the Biomedical Engineering
laboratory, and a collection
of over 600 hours of raunchy
Girls Gone Wild pornography,
as well as the central database
for the popular pornographic
“BangBus” website.
After word had spread
throughout campus about the
TKE shakedown, members of
the Greek community became
MAGNUM STEELE I STUDENT LIBEL
Goodness gracious, that ass is bodacious! These girls definitely don’t go to Wash. U...
outraged at the blatant disrespect and clear violations of
the codes of behavior and conduct set forth by Greek Life.
“What happened here last
Friday is the most heinous
event in the history of Greek
life,” said disgusted Zeta Beta
Tau president Justin Snyder.
“Providing alcohol to minors
and objectifying females in
such a way is a matter that
should be taken extremely
seriously. They should be permanently kicked off campus
and vilified for their blasphemous and wicked behavior.”
No arrests have been made
yet, but the suspected cameraman has been reported missing since Saturday afternoon
when eyewitnesses saw him
on Snow Way entering an unmarked white van run by solar
energy panels. The investigation is ongoing.
Prof discovers homosexual unicorns
amidst fossil remains of Noah’s Ark
BY STU CRABSHACK
ARTICHOKE AFICIONADO
Paleontology professor Harvey Whitehead announced yesterday that he has discovered
animal fossils that he believes
came from Noah’s Ark. He
found a valley in the Turkish
mountains that contained remains of every documented animal species, plus one extinct
species. Whitehead believes the
extinct animals may have been
homosexual unicorns.
“They were all within three
miles of each other, and almost
every fossil was paired, one
male, one female,” said Whitehead. “The last pair was a little
different.”
Whitehead and his team were
quick to identify and match all
but one of the pairs with existing animal species. Every pair
was one male and one female,
except for one pair, consisting
of two males, from a now extinct species.
“It’s a couple of gay unicorns,” explained Whitehead.
“That’s why unicorns are now
extinct. Noah screwed up,
grabbed some ‘fabulous’ unicorns and all the straight ones
suffered God’s wrath in the
Flood.”
Conservative family values
groups have seized on Whitehead’s research as scientific
evidence that gay marriage is
unnatural. Women and Children First founder Seymour
Dumbler says that this is defi nitive proof of the danger gay
marriage poses to human existence.
“We’re just lucky Noah was
a straight, red-blooded American,” commented Dumbler. “If
he had made different lifestyle
choices, we might not be here
today.”
Women and Children First
is planning a rally on the steps
of the Capitol in Washington on
Friday.
“We’re going to bring God
and Nature back to America.
From this day forward, the unicorn will be a cautionary tale of
God’s punishment for man-onman love.”
Whitehead, while claiming
neutrality on the politics of gay
marriage, simply reinforced
PENELOPE PUSSYFOOT | STUDENT LIBEL
Oh beautiful unicorn, my magical stallion, come hither so I can caress thy
horn and ride thee through the majestic mountains of my dreams!
that his research is sound.
“Look, you can’t question the
science. Homosexuality drove
the unicorn species extinct.
The lesson we can learn from
this is not to let our little boys
play with unicorns. Unicorns
are gay.”
4 STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE
Bert and Ernie to address Class of 2007
BY FOSTER THE EMU
INTERN
SNUFFALUFFAGOUS | STUDENT LIBEL
Life partners Bert and Ernie speak during Commencement 2007. The topic of discussion: The life and times of Mr.
Rubber Ducky, his uses and his amazing accomplishments.
Quincy Bertram Huffi ngton
and Ernesto Beltrinez, stars of
the hit television show “Sesame
Street,” will address the Class
of 2007 at their commencement
on May 18, 2007.
Better known as Bert and
Ernie, the duo will be making
their fi rst public appearance after their tell-all book “Sesame
Seedy: Sex, Drugs, and PBS” hits
bookshelves. According to their
publisher, Bert and Ernie reveal
that they are homosexuals in
“Sesame Seedy,” and bring to
light the disturbing details behind the children’s show.
“We took Muppets that we
thought would be well-noted
figures, who would have a sense
of current issues facing graduates, Muppets [who] would be
well-known and Muppets with
great accomplishments in the
field that they work with,” said
Chancellor Mark Wrighton.
Spokesmen for the Gay &
Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), Bert and Ernie are planning a nationwide
tour following their speech at
the University, and are going
to the use the tour as a platform to lobby for gay rights.
“They’re going to try to change
the world,” close friend and
confidant Oscar the Grouch
told Student Life. “Washington
University is very lucky to have
them, and they are very excited
to speak there.”
Other revelations found in
the pages of “Sesame Seedy” include the news that Oscar the
Grouch is actually a Vietnam
veteran who was placed in a
trash can at Walter Reed Hospital; the heroin addiction of
Count Von Count, also known
as The Count; Miss Piggy having repeatedly gone to clinics
for eating disorders; and the
death of the original Cookie
Monster in 1992 due to complications stemming from diabetes. Pre-sales of the book have
already taken the top spot on
amazon.com.
The gay community on campus has had nothing but praise
for the choice of Bert and Ernie
as commencement speakers.
“It is really great that the University is acknowledging that
these issues are some of the
most pressing in the modern
world,” said GBLTQIAAFGEFKH
President Billy Acronym.
Others have been more
critical, especially following
the announcement that for
the fi rst time, the commencement speech will be sponsored
by the letters W, D, O, and the
number 7. “This is one of the
most important days of our
lives,” yelled senior EMU EMU
EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU
FOREST PARK PARKWAY EMU
Rubelmann catches on
fire, no one cares
BY ART SENIS
CHIEF CANADIAN CORRESPODENT
The Office of Residential Life
barred Clayton Fire Department from responding to a fi re
on Rubelmann 2, allowing the
old dormitory to burn to the
ground. The unexpected grease
fire begun by an RCD cooking
freedom fries expedited ResLife’s plan for renovation on
the South 40.
“Rubelmann?” said Tim
Lempfert, associate director of
Residential Life, “Sounds more
like Rubble-man to me! But, in
all seriousness, the unexpected
destruction of Rubelmann did
further our plans for renovating the South 40. It paved the
way for the new dormitory that
we plan to have constructed by
2030. Students should embrace
Washington University’s ongoing commitment to success and
positive attitude towards what
some might view as a smoldering disaster.”`
The Rubelmann fire began
around 1 p.m. on Saturday
and by dusk all that remained
of the dormitory was a pile of
glowing embers. To the delight
of ResLife officials, some fiery
ashes were seen drifting in the
direction of Umrath, opening
the possibility of another old
dorm’s destruction.
While the Office of Admissions moved all prospective
freshmen staying in Rubel-
mann to the Knight Center, current students made due with
makeshift camps. When Friedman Lounge filled, students began to occupy the swamp.
“It was uncomfortable to
sleep on the ground. It was
raining and I couldn’t find any
privacy,” said third floor resident Shaunice Sholes.
All Rubelmann residents will
be switched to the new Bon Appetit hunter-gatherer meal plan
for the duration of their stay
on the Swamp. Congress of the
South 40 executives organized
a marshmallow roast over the
building’s dying flames in an
attempt to create a more celebratory atmosphere.
Nothing says fun like an old dormitory bonfire.
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© 2006. Paid for by the United States Army. All rights reserved.
MR. BURNS I STUDENT LIBEL
Student petitions for adoption
BY MADAM EDITOR & HARUHI SUZUMIYA
SCHMOOZE REPORTERS
Ivanna Freeride partied like
she was in the class of 1999
when she received her acceptance package from Washington University, but the prefreshman said that her jaw
dropped faster than the Gen
Chem curve when she saw the
fee for tuition.
Undaunted, Freeride researched scholarships and investigated the Work Study program. Her solution involved a
bit more paperwork: seeking
adoption from a faculty member.
“I am sooo jealous of students who have parents who
work for Mark Wrighton,” Freeride said. “They get free tuition and I hear they get to call
the chancellor Uncle Marky
Mark.”
Whether or not her aspirations of calling the chancellor
by his beloved nickname will
come to fruition remain uncertain. Ivanna Freeride has until
her 18th birthday to fi nalize
her adoption records. After
that, she will be recognized as
a legal adult and be unqualified
for adoption and a fabulous
four tuition-free years at Washington University.
“Good thing I skipped the
third grade,” Freeride said, explaining why she has an extra
year to fi nd a new set of parents. “I hear all I missed were
the multiplication tables. Fortunately they let you use Ti83’s for Calc III,” she said with
a smile.
Freeride discovered a program to help prospective students literally become part of
the Wash. U. family. Adopt Collegiate Kids, or ACK, aids students in fi nding qualified legal
guardians to waive their education fee. Freeride was unsure
who to petition fi rst. She tried
calling Executive Vice Chancellor and Dean of Arts and Sciences Edward Macias, but he
was so busy he couldn’t see her
until the day after her birthday.
“I became worried that the
only way I could fund my education would be through street
prostitution,” Freeride said.
She visited the second man
on her list, Assistant to the
Chancellor Rob “Buck” Wild,
but he demanded a little more
than she was willing to dish
out.
“I encouraged Ivanna when I
heard she was looking for a new
dad,” Wild said. “It was great
timing. I was just about to get
a new Blackberry, but I knew I
could count on Ivanna to keep
track of all my appointments.
She agreed to chauffer my children but was reluctant to take
on other chores.”
“Hahaha! Dishes?” Wild remembered Freeride laughing.
She tried Dean of Arts and
Sciences Jim McLeod, who
wholeheartedly supported the
idea. “I’ve been very fond of the
program since its inception at
Wash. U. We’ve always promoted students from all walks of
life to apply to our University.
This program detracts from
the image that we are an elitist
‘rich kid’ school with inflated
tuition.”
Mcleod himself is a strong
advocate of ACK, and has already adopted four students
from Arts and Sciences. “There
is nothing more amazing than
the bond of parent and child.
To gain so many children at
this stage has been one of the
most rewarding experiences of
my life,” he said, as he beamed
down at the four students carrying him in his sedan. “By lifting me, they lift themselves.”
This new adoption program
has not only helped students
afford tuition but also has
helped the productivity of the
University.
Distinguished Professor of
Chemistry, Karen Wooley, has
adopted 10 such students into
her chemistry clan. “Johnny’s
working the pipettes and Susie
is learning how to autoclave.
I’ve already published 500
papers, which is 30 ahead of
schedule.”
Ivanna Freeride only has five
more weeks before she must
fi nalize the adoption process.
“My case is still open: desperately seeking parents. Few
chores. Unlimited Internet access. Adopt me please!”
STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE
5
Assembly Series welcomes Ms. Frizzle
to campus
Obituary: Sarah Steinberg, killed for
wearing too much ‘fashionable’ clothing
Bears Den robbed by B&D, thousands of
meal points stolen
Washington University
students
welcomed Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle
of “The Magic School
Bus” fame to campus
Wednesday for this
week’s Assembly Series, titled “The Small
Intestine Is a Wonderful Place.”
Following the high
turnout of students
to the Assembly Series hosted by Bill
Nye the Science Guy
on Sept. 13, 2006, administrators focused
their energies on attaining Ms. Frizzle and her vast emporium of
science knowledge for a Wednesday discussion about the human
body and efficiency of public transportation.
Hundreds of students attended and were inspired by her insightful words about mud, wacky clothes, and the digestive tract
of dinosaurs. More directly impacting the St. Louis community, the
Friz explained how to convert the current Wash. U. shuttles into
Magic Shuttles that can take students to the moon and into Dean
McLeod’s nose via Forest Park Parkway, as well as a myriad other
magical places. The administration quickly assembled a panel of
campus leaders to discuss ways to implement the plan, which led
to a decision to raise tuition by $8,031.26 for the next academic
school year to cover the associated costs.
Ms. Frizzle’s famed pet lizard, Liz, who is capable of performing
advanced tasks such as driving the magic bus, was not in attendance at the Assembly Series. She is presumed dead. Ms. Frizzle
ended her speech with her famous last words, “Take chances,
make mistakes, and get messy!” before receiving a standing ovation from the packed Graham Chapel crowd, with the exception of
one student named Arnold, who still hates science.
Next week’s Assembly Series, featuring deceased segregationist
Senator Strom Thurmond, is titled “Killing Me Softly With His Song:
A Privileged White Man’s Story of Keeping the Black Man Down.”
The university community is mourning the death of junior
Sarah Steinberg, who died early Tuesday morning at the hands of
an angry mob of fashionistas due to her clothing selection for the
day. After months of growing and bubbling anger towards the latest fashion trends by the general population, Steinbergkatz’s decision to wear her Uggs in late March, coupled with her cameltoe
leggings, aviators, and unfashionably long t-shirt, sparked off an
eruption of Mount St. Helens-esque proportions amongst the student body. The uproar is just one of several recent outlashes by
students around the country against the current fashion trend;
last month Emory University officials were forced to declare marshal law after a pitchfork-yielding throng of fed up students lit the
local Urban Outfitters on fi re.
The Long Island, NY native is survived by her iMac Powerbook
G5, her BMW 735i, her cat Penelope, and her entire DVD collection of “Laguna Beach,” “The OC,” “The Hills” and “My Super Sweet
16.”
At the height of the 2 a.m.
drunken rush to Bear’s Den Friday night, a plot unfolded that
led to the robbery of thousands
of meal points. Authorities have
apprehended four members of
B&D security, who have confessed to aggravated assault,
grant theft larceny, kidnapping,
and obesity.
Brandishing guns, machetes, and homemade bombs, the
suspects wielded their hidden
weapons, tucked securely beneath their beer bellies, at approximately 2:10 a.m., demanding the turnover of thousands
of meal points from students
present at the popular eatery
at the time. Four B&D staffers
were directly involved in the incident, although it is suspected that many more employees were
intricately involved in the planning and implementation of Operation Grease Trap. WU Facilities has been accused of providing
B&D the escape route through the underground tunnels while the
WU shuttles were reported to be the vehicles used during the getaway.
Unfortunately, because of rules about the transfer of meal
points from one individual to another, none of the stolen meal
points can be returned to their rightful owners. Bon Appetit has
informed the students that they must purchase their points back
at the price of $1.25 per point. “Tough noogies,” laughed the Bon
Appetit night manager.
Student Life changes name to ‘Student
Death’
Despite 129 years of service as Washington University’s student
newspaper, Student Life has decided to change its name to “Student Death,” effective fall 2007. Many rumors as to why these sudden changes have been announced have been spreading around
campus in recent weeks.
Speculation has surfaced around Student Life’s use of zombies
as reporters as the prime reason for the change, but incoming Editor in Chief Erin McFults denied these allegations.
“Let’s face it,” said the exasperated journalist, “students at
Wash. U. are half-dead from all the work they have to do every
day anyway. We just felt that the name change was more appropriate for our populace. Besides, ‘Studdeath’ sounds way more badass
than ‘Studlife,’ no?”
Study: Pre-med test scores predict effectiveness as doctors
Commensurate with average test scores received during premed exams as an undergraduate, students who go on to become
doctors have been found in a recent study that they are only able
to accurately identify and cure about 40 percent of the medical
problems that they are confronted with on a daily basis.
“Doctors these days are just not as well prepared for life as
a doctor,” said Bob Kelso, professor of biochemelectromechanicmedical engineering. “It’s their own damn fault; it’s not like we
try to make the exams so hard that they only know 40 percent of
the material—they’re just too stupid to know the other 55 percent.
Everything we put on the exams is clearly taught in class and it’s
the students’ responsibility for mastering the material like a real
doctor.”
Jesus tours campus for April Welcome,
loves the tulips
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, visited the University this past
weekend after receiving his acceptance letter for the entering
Class of 2011. Christ was enamored with the campus scenery and
impressed by his tour guide’s vast knowledge of college affairs.
“I just love the tulips,” gushed the Messiah. “I can’t wait to come
here in the fall and frolic through them when I go to class.”
Christ had applied early decision, but was deferred to general
admission before being accepted.
“I was a little disappointed at fi rst, but I sent in some more letters of recommendation from my friends John, Luke, Mark and
Matthew.”
Admissions director Ginger McHovelhut said that she always
thought he was a stellar candidate.
“He just walks on water in my Book.”
Jesus said he looked forward to W.I.L.D. and planned on rushing AEPi.
WANTED
Pluto leads coup against other planets;
declares self Ruler of the Galaxy
In a bizarre twist of events since Pluto’s status as a planet was
demoted on August 24, 2006, Pluto has gathered a force of two
planets, over a dozen moons, and the Washington University Earth
and Planetary Sciences Department to lead a coup d’etat against
the remaining eight planets of the solar system.
Pluto, often teased for its small size and long distance away
from the sun, was kicked to the curb in August when a group
of know-it-all scientists decided that Pluto wasn’t worthy to be a
planet because of its reclassification as a dwarf planet and its need
for Viagra to get it up. The Earth and Planetary Sciences Department took a fi rm stance against demoting Pluto, and as a result
was quickly recruited by the ninth rock from the sun to join its
mounting army.
In return for their services, Pluto announced that he would
provide unlimited funds to the Earth and Planetary Sciences Department for building robots, satellites and to hire all the sexual
offenders they want after its successful takeover of the galaxy.
“I have had enough of this [expletive deleted],” said the dejected
former planet. “It’s time for me to take my rightful place on the
celestial throne as the Ruler of the Galaxy and show them a real
‘Independence Day!’”
Pluto is allegedly a huge fan of Jeff Goldblum.
house
ad
6 STUDENT LIFE | FOREPLAY
Senior Foreplay Editor / Foster the Emu / foreplay@studdeath.com
FOREPLAY
Our not-so-daily Foreplay editors:
Monday: Heavy petting
beastiality@wustl.edu
You are probably not even reading this short and inconsequential description
about what it is that our not-so-daily Foreplay editors actually do, which is next to
nothing. If you actually are reading this, kudos to you, good sir. You officially have
an unprecedented eye for detail and probably way too much on your hands.
We do not welcome your dumb submissions so don’t send any. Go away, losers.
STAFF EDITORIAL
STAFF EDITORIAL
We want more tulips!
W
ith prospective
freshmen rampant
across campus,
Brookings, as is the
case every year at this time,
has one something that is
very commendable. Showing a
blatant disregard for economic
efficiency and the environment, the administration has
decreed that a slightly wilted
flower should not be seen on
this campus, and as a result,
flowers have consistently been
replanted, even if they had
been in the ground for just two
days. This has caused Washington University to be prettier
for a couple of days, and in the
end, that is exactly how the
University should be spending
its money.
Some have called this action
by the University wasteful,
but in reality, the University
is not going far enough. The
most important thing for the
University is to look good for
prospective freshmen. Yes, the
University should try to make
sure that its current students
have the best education possible. But that education is not
possible without a top 10 ranking in the U.S. News & World
Report rankings. And that is
not going to happen without
better students. Having a
picturesque campus will give
prospective freshmen more
of a reason to come here, and
the higher yield of admitted
students will let the University
rise in the rankings. A good
education will assuredly follow.
The constant replanting
is a good fi rst step in achieving this goal, but contrary to
popular belief, the University
should go further. Dead plants
aren’t the only things that are
ugly at Wash. U. As Emory so
graciously pointed out last
year, Wash. U. girls are ugly,
and the men aren’t much
better. To this end, only the
most attractive students on
campus—the members of the
Washington University Game
Developers Society—should
be allowed on campus proper,
while the rest of the students
should be relocated to Wash.
U.’s newest branch in East St.
Louis, safely out of the way of
prospective freshmen.
This policy should also be
extended to the buildings on
campus. Since the old dorms
are so unsightly, they should
be knocked down before the
prospective freshmen get
to campus. Some might say
that this will cause a greater
housing crunch than ever seen
before. But that is the price
to pay for getting a top 10
education. It is certainly better
to live in a forced octuple at a
top-10 school than in a double
while languishing at number
12.
Yes, this will cost a lot of
money. The University can get
this money by raising tuition.
We, as students, have to be
grateful for everything that the
University provides for us, and
there is nothing more important than our ranking. It would
not be fair to the University
to force the burden on them,
while it is we who benefit. We
should be paying for this. We’ll
be thanking the University
later, when our kids are applying to the ninth-ranked school
in the nation.
BRIAN SOTAK | EDITORIAL CARTOON
Wednesday: Fondling
Friday: Just the tip
fondletheballs@wustl.edu headtipper@wustl.edu
Teach
Creationism
in Human
Evolution
W
ashington University claims to
promote an environment of open
intellectual inquiry and to
value the diverse interests
of Washington University
undergraduates. With the
education of students as
the primary concern, we
expect our professors to
keep abreast of the latest
theories and advancements
in their disciplines. Yet on
this very campus we have
found an abhorrent stifling
of academic progress right
beneath our very eyes:
Professor Richard Smith’s
“Introduction to Human
Evolution” course in the
anthropology department.
In order to enhance the
quality of education at
Washington University, we
implore Professor Smith to
begin teaching the theory
of strict Creationism.
Professor Smith’s class
is notoriously under-enrolled and unpopular with
students. You can hear
crickets chirping when
Smith takes the stage in
Brown 100. Students only
begrudgingly enroll in the
course when shut out from
other, more desirable choices and leave the course
completely uninformed by
the semester’s worth of
information regarding the
so-called “evolution” of humans. He uses big words—
australopithecine, Homo
habilis, Paranthropus
robustus—and fancy dental
ratios (Does anyone really
understand what 2:1:2:3
means?), but we are not
fooled. We see behind the
increasing cranial capacities and reduction of the
post-orbital ridge. We are
sick of this mumbo jumbo
that is, as Professor Smith
admits, only a theory.
Given the course’s lagging
enrollment, it seems that
we are not the only ones
dissatisfied with “Introduction to Human Evolution.”
We believe that Smith’s
course could be enhanced
by exploring the more respected theory of Creationism. Rather than sticking
to the antiquated notion
that humans evolved from
lesser organisms, University professors ought to
move towards the future by
endorsing the more scientifically-sound view that
the universe, humanity,
life on earth and this very
campus were created by
a supernatural deity (this
may or may not be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but
that’s a whole other staff
editorial). The theory of
Creationism enjoys strong
support from the scientists
around the world, and it’s
time that support arrived
at Washington University.
The American education
system has taught us that
we must accept that which
is written, and we must
not question any source
as legitimate as that of
the Bible, which teaches
Creationism and the story
of Adam and Eve. After
hundreds of years of Christendom being the dominant
source of knowledge, who
are we to teach anything
but the established truth?
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Student Life: pillar of journalistic excellence
Dear Editor:
From one award-winning
journalist to another, I would
just like to say: wow, you guys
rock. You are consistently one
of the best news sources in this
great land of ours; the public
service you render unto the
community is incalculable.
Last week, when you showed
us how NIH funding cuts could
hurt the University’s medical
research programs, I was in
awe. I mean, who else would
see that connection except
StudLife? Then, later that week
you dropped ANOTHER bombshell on us: MetroLink usage is
up! You guys must really burn
the midnight oil. That one must
have really lit a fire under the
administration’s tuckus.
Student Life, you are a pillar
of journalistic integrity and
clearly you are the scribes of the
gods. Kudos, Student Life. You
are living proof of the power of
the written word.
-Rob Woodward
The Washington Post
Man of your
dreams responds
Dear Editor:
I am writing to respond to
a personal ad you published in
your newspaper a few weeks
ago. I clipped it out but then I
lost it. I was hoping you could
send this letter to the purchaser
of the ad.
Single white female seeking independent man, I am the
guy of your dreams. My name
is Mark; I’m 37, kind of tall and
properly filled out. I too love
Mork and Mindy, bird watching
and bondage! I never married
and I sublet from a close family
member. I understand what it’s
like trying to get back on your
feet after some rough times.
After the court made me notify
the entire neighborhood that I
had a special past, no one associated with me for months. I
know you’re twice my age but I
won’t say anything about your
wrinkles if you don’t say anything about mine.
Richard Gere ain’t got nothing on me.
-Mark S.
I Ozomatli-ed all
over your mom
Dear Editor:
I have a few responses to
some of the articles you published last week.
Re: “Better parking would
improve Health Services”: Better
parking would improve your
mom’s services.
Re: “Sagartz, Kressel shine in
doubleheader split”: I gave your
mom a doubleheader split.
Re: “Bears kick off season
with win at Mini Meet”: I kicked
your mom’s season off with my
mini-meat.
Re: “MetroLink usage exceeds
expectations”: Your mom’s uses
exceed my expectations.
Re: “Police Beat”: The police
beat your mom.
Re: “Voice from abroad”: I
heard a voice from your mom,
“Oh Yes!”
Re: “Sophomore Slump”:
Your mom slumped over this
sophomore.
Re: “Ozomatli: Don’t Mess
with the Dragon”: Your mom
messed with my dragon and got
some ozomatli all over her face.
Re: “Senate Democrats to
push for larger Pell Grants”:
My democrat gave your mom a
push.
Re: “Johns Hopkins: We’ll
take you down”: Your mom
hopped on my john and I took
her down.
Re: “The ins and outs of the
crowd”: I crowded your mom’s
ins and outs.
Re: “The bubble has popped”:
Too easy. (Your mom’s too easy.)
Good day, sirs and madams.
-Tucker Max
Israeli-Palestinian
Conflict muffins for
peace
Dear Editor:
In an ongoing effort to
promote campus dialogue about
political tensions in the Middle
East, Students for a Peaceful
Palestinian Israeli Future call
on Bon Appétit to stand up
for peace, cooperation and a
positive tomorrow. To this end,
we would like to see Hilltop
Bakery, Whispers Café and all
other pastry-serving locations
offer Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
Muffins.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If our
campus starts each day with an
important and delicious message of tolerance and peace, we
can make a difference in this
world.
Bon Appétit, Washington
University, we call on you to
trade in your political leanings
for muffins, and together we
can bring peace to the Middle
East. A muffin a day keeps the
suicide bombers and armored
bulldozers away.
-Ari Herman Rosenbladt
Students for a Peaceful Palestinian Israeli Future
YOUR VOICE: LETTERS AND GUEST COLUMNS
OUR VOICE: EDITORIAL BOARD
OUR (SPIDER)WEB POLICY
Student Life welcomes letters to the editor and op-ed submissions
from readers. They make for good bonfires.
Editorials are written by monkeys and reflect the consensus of the
jungle. The editorial board operates under the influence (have you
ever seen a drunk monkey? It’s really funny!) and enjoys long walks
on the beach and basketweaving.
Once an article has been published on www.studdeath.com, our
(Spider)Web site, it will remain there for all eternity. If you attempt to
have a published articles removed, we will disclose to the community your
outbreak of syphillis and you will be embarrassed.
Pan troglodytes: Sarah Kliff
Cebus apella: Liz Neukirch
Macaca fuscata: Justin Davidson
Colobus guereza: David Tabor
Lemur catta: Mandy Silver
Gorilla gorilla gorilla: David Brody
Why do we do this? Because Google Maps is the best. True that, double
true. We accept monetary and sexual bribes to take published (spider)web
material off the web, but we must confer with our wise and humbled advisor, Fergie. Girl, you know you t-a-s-t-e-y.
Letters to the Editor
One Brookings Drive #1039
St. Louis, MO 63130-4899
Jenny: 867-5309
Fax: (314) 935-5938
e-mail: letters@studdeath.com
All submissions must include the writer’s name, phone number, bust size,
glamour shots, social security number, and two credit cards for verification.
Student Life reserves the right to use your pictures and/or information in an
inappropriate manner if we should see fit. Forest Park Parkway is a godsend
and we believe that man never landed on the moon.
Erythrocebus patas: Andrei Berman
Papio hamadryas: Daniel Milstein
Eulemur fulvus: Tess Croner
Saimiri sciureus: Nathan Everly
Tarsius tarsier: Chelsea Murphy
Saguinus oedipis: Jill Strominger
Senior Foreplay Editor / Foster the Emu / foreplay@studdeath.com
STUDENT LIFE | FOREPLAY
7
Higher education does not Manatees ruin
mean higher procreation everything
BY GNICHOLAS THE GNU
BY CHASTITY ABSTEN
MOOSE GNUCKLE CONNOISSEUR
TOWN BIKE
was born on a Tanzanian plain in one of the
most edenic regions of
the Serengeti. For many
wealthy Europeans, my home
is paradise. Wearing their
oversized hats and trenchcoats, they come visit me on
what they call “safari” all the
time. They usually play this
fun little game with me and
my community, when they
chase us with guns and shoot,
and then we run at them and
gore them. Some of my fondest memories are of playing
safari. But for me, there was
always one place that was
better. I heard of this place
known as Washington University in St. Louis, where everyone, even the deer and the
antelope play. But once I got
here, I soon found that this
was no home on the range.
I came early and participated in the LAUNCH
pre-orientation program. Even
though everyone had two legs,
we frolicked and danced and
laughed and laughed. Playing
safari never even occurred
to me. Some of the friends
I made in LAUNCH are still
my closest friends. I went to
every program offered during
orientation, and I even attended multiple programs at
the same time (never underestimate the power of a gnu).
But then, on the last day of
orientation, my roommate
moved in. And, to my shock
and horror, it was a manatee.
Manatees are Darwin’s
rejects, and have no place
at this University. They are
responsible for global warming. We have often heard Al
Gore and others tell us how
basically the whole world will
be underwater before long
because of global warming. Now ask yourself, who
benefits from that? Manatees,
of course. They want to take
over the world, but currently
cannot survive on land. All
T
here’s too much sex
on this campus.
I walk to dormitory halls, I go into
Student Health Services for a
flu shot and I stroll through
Mallinckrodt during tabling
times and all I see are condoms, condoms, condoms. I
don’t need some “friendly”
Wash. U. student handing
me a condom and telling me
to have safe sex. I don’t want
to go to the library only to
be confronted by disgusting
pictures of sexually transmitted diseases. No thank
you.
With the members of the
University so crazed about
STD’s, I urge the campus to
adopt a policy of strict abstinence. HPV, UTI’s, STI’s and
all of those nasty letters can
be eliminated if we would
just keep our pants on.
Passing out condoms
at every possible campus
location only encourages
students to procreate. Who
needs condoms when you
can have a chastity belt? As
part of the new abstinenceonly education plan, the
University can offer chastity belts and purity rings
instead.
I don’t want my tuition
and health fees going to
fund other people’s sex addictions. My parents don’t
pay $44,000 to further my
education only to have some
of it going to the purchasing
of condoms. Condoms don’t
grow on trees, you know.
The University must be
putting out so much just to
stock dorm floors, student
groups and SHS with these
latex tools of promiscuity.
An abstinence-only policy
would be easy to enact. First
off, stop offering condoms
all over the place. Save some
rubber trees, for crying out
loud! Some poor exploited
I
OMG
SHOES
ABSTINENCE
KELLY | STUDENT LIBEL
minority population somewhere in the world is probably being forced to slave
away creating condoms just
so some couple can get off.
Choose conflict free, choose
abstinence.
Furthermore, the University can develop anonymous
hotlines. If you know of
someone having sex (it’s not
hard with thin walls and
sexiled roommates to figure
who’s getting it on) call it in
and the Sexual Maintenance
Squad (S and M’s) can put a
stop to it.
So to you, my fellow class
mates and my University, I
urge you to abstain. Clean
up this campus, clean up
your life and help end child
labor in third world condom producing countries—
choose abstinence.
Chastity is a junior in the
Business School (BS) and is
currently aiming for her MRS
degree. She is President of
the Organization of Arts and
Sciences Majors (Org.AS.M.)
and she can be reached at
notgettinany@notmail.com.
of us, from gnu to emu to
human, will be forced off this
planet. Except for manatees.
My room was already turned
into a tank so my roommate
could survive, and as a result,
I spend nearly all my time in
the library. Imagine that happening to all of us. Each and
every one of us. Forced out of
our homes, out of our atmospheres. The manatees will
force all of the non-aquatic
animals off the planet, then
eat everything that’s left. Do
you want to be eaten? That’s
what I thought.
Manatees are also lazy, and
contribute nothing to society.
My roommate hasn’t even left
EMU EMU EMU
(Editor’s note: Gnus were
civilized by emus, and like
emus, can only speak English
for a certain amount of words
before reverting to Emuranta.
Gnicholas the Gnu is one of the
smarter emus, and can speak
391 words of English before
his natural language becomes
unintelligible to the rest of us).
God, I hate hippies
BY BABA O’REILLY
OP-ED SUBMISSION
2. Green Action
W
I don’t even know where
to begin with this lot. The official agenda of campus environmental groups like Green
Action is to work towards
providing a sustainable and
naturally beautiful campus,
but I can tell you right now
that this is a load of crap. The
truth is that the only reason
environmentalists give a care
about protecting the trees and
the bushes on this campus is
that they all provide nice hiding places for them to sneak
up behind you and ambush
you with fun facts about
which prominent Republican
politician clubbed a baby seal
today. I hope they get eaten by
the squirrels.
hen I was approached about
writing a column
for Student Libel,
I must say that I was surprised. Granted, I haven’t
exactly been on good terms
with Student Life ever since
I placed almost every college
newspaper editor in my “Hall
of Shame,” but that’s a different story. So I was trying to
figure out what I should write
about, and then it dawned on
me. I should write about the
ridiculous number of hippies
that are currently going to
school here. I’m not going to
paint a rosy campus picture
for you. This campus is crawling with too many hippies for
me to morally justify doing
that to you. All I can do is tell
you what kinds of hippies are
present on this campus, and
let you do the rest.
1. Student Worker Alliance
Yes, nothing motivates a
campaign for better working
standards quite like a bunch
of lefty college kids who skip
classes and sit on their asses
in the admissions office for
several weeks with nothing
to do to except apply topical
cream to all of the skin rashes
that they get from wearing
hemp bracelets. But that
wasn’t enough for you, was
it? Oh yes, you also had to
ruin Taco Bell for everyone by
whining about some nambypamby fair tomato pricing
hoax. Now red-blooded Americans like myself can’t enjoy a
delicious half-pound cheesy
bean and rice burrito on this
campus. And why? To make
a few tomato-hating, tofumunching, dashiki-wearing
hippies happy. For God’s sake,
the half-pound cheesy bean
and rice burrito doesn’t even
have tomatoes in it! Jesus
Christ! How you’ve managed
to continue peddling your
socialist agenda is beyond
me, but I have news for you
hippies: I will not let you ruin
freedom.
3. Anyone who lives in the
Wash U. Co-op
The Co-op is the largest
nest of hippies that you’ll ever
fi nd. Whether its members are
praising the egalitarian traits
of a utopian commune or
kicking around a hacky sack
while waiting for the bong
water to be changed, you’ll
be sure to notice that something just isn’t right. Maybe
it’s their unhealthy obsession
with regularly cooking their
meals using fresh produce
from their gardens. Maybe it’s
the frequent buzzwords like
“community” and “sharing.”
Regardless, you just feel that
the spirit of Karl Marx runs
this co-op.
So there you have it. Keep
in mind that this is by no
means an exhaustive list of
all the different types of hippies on campus. For starters,
anyone who disagrees with
this my assessments is a de
facto hippie. But I have faith
that every real American on
this campus can survive this
onslaught of hippies so long
as they do one thing: buy my
latest book, “Culture Warrior,”
for only $26.00.
SOME HIPPIE WHO CAN’T SPELL. SEE? HIPPIES ARE WAY LAME I STUDENT LIBEL
8 STUDENT LIBEL | DEPORTES
D-III Athletics Snob / Andrei Berman /deportes@studdeath.com
DEPORTES
CAMPUS CONSTRUCTION INCORPORATED BY TRACK TEAM
This week in sports
INTRAMURALS
Bawden strikes out three times in IM softball hame
“It was too slow.”
After whiffi ng for a third
time, Bawden let his frustration
get the best of him. He cursed
loudly, reportedly exclaiming:
“Curt Schilling is one thing, but
this kid’s in TKE.”
Witnesses chuckled thoroughly, as Bawden directed his
angst at veteran umpire and
football trainer, Jerry ThatChristian-Kid-in-AEPi. Bawden
was then tossed from the con-
Junior Tommy Bawden, who
spent two seasons in the Red
Sox farm system prior to enrolling at Wash. U., struck out three
times in an intramural softball game last Tuesday night.
Bawden, a Wash. U. football
player, went down swinging all
three times in the co-ed, slowpitch battle on the IM field.
“I just wasn’t used to that
kind of velocity,” explained the
former minor league infielder.
test by the self-proclaimed
“Gentile Giant.”
League Commissioner Sean
Curtis had no comment on the
subject and many IM insiders, who have asked that their
names not be revealed, believe
Curtis’ close relationship with
Bawden’s fraternity will ensure
that no further disciplinary action will be taken against the
Phi Delta Theta brother.
FOOTBALL
Guthrie to quit football team, become folk singer
in my name for Chrissake,”
said the now-former impact
player who is a distant relative
of Woodie and Arlo. “If those
other Guthries can make it, so
can I,” added the junior.
Guthrie believes his football
experience at Wash. U. will help
him in the folk world: “I have
a real niche to make it in the
Wash. U. running back Scottie Guthrie announced at a
press conference yesterday
that he will not be returning to
the gridiron next season. Guthrie dropped football so that he
could have time to focus on his
budding career as an independent folk singer.
“It’s in my blood. I mean it’s
industry. I think there’s a lot
of demand for a non-peaceful
folkie. I want to make hard-hitting folk singing the new big
thing.”
Asked if his approach to folk
singing might be antithetical
to the genre itself, Guthrie responded, “I do what I want. I’m
a Guthrie.”
Kindbom drops F-bomb
worrying about football.”
Kindbom, who is known
more for his ability to fi nd and
distribute borderline inspirational speeches and e-mails
than for his profanity, issued
a statement apologizing for his
behavior.
“I apologize to God, my family, Mark Wrighton, and to everyone who is affi liated with
Bears football. My use of the
According to sources inside
the program, Wash. U. football
coach Larry Kindbom dropped
an F-Bomb during last week’s
spring football camp workouts.
After junior Defensive End
Chris Rhoades missed a tackle, the veteran coach allegedly
said, “F--kin golden boy; kid’s
spend too much of the off-season running his East Coast frat
and playing the saxophone, not
‘F’ word is an embarrassment
to anyone affi liated with this
University,” said Kindbom in a
prepared statement.
Asked if his use of the word
warranted a special press conference, Kindbom replied, “Of
course it does. Unlike Charles
Barkley, I understand that I’m a
role model.”
DANA KUHN | STUDENT LIBEL
Student attempts to jump over crane, clears bar instead. Ooooooops.
BASKETBALL
Syvertsen, Blood to get married
name in hopes of increasing
his rep within the Wash. U. basketball program. Head Coach
Mark Edwards has criticized
Syvertsen in the past for being
“pale and soft.”
Syvertsen explained that his
new name, Phil Blood, sounds
intimidating and would reso-
In an effort to boost his
street cred and earn more
playing time, Phil Syvertsen
of the men’s basketball team
proposed to volleyball freshman Vicki Blood Friday night at
Bear’s Den.
The sophomore shooting
guard plans to take Blood’s last
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Wash. U. Cross Country
star Kevin Opp is also a star in
long-distance Track and Field
events.
The rare two-sport sensation
has impressively managed careers in long distance running
and longer distance running,
respectively. The sophomore
managed successful campaigns
in both sports over the 20062007 school year, prompting
That-Cliche-Sports-Analyst to
profi le Opp in That-Lame-Newspaper.
“In this day and age of high-
ly specialized athletics, it’s nice
to know that athletes like Opp
are still out there playing more
than one sport. Not only does
this kid run, he also runs,” said
the piece.
15% DISCOUNT
for WU students & faculty
on all auto repairs
Foreign & Domestic
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Can not be combined with other offers.
FREE SHUTTLE TO CAMPUS
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Cross Country kid also runs track
nate among his teammates. “I
dunno, man. No one can pronounce Syvertsen. With my
new last name, they know who’s
boss.”
Vicki Blood declined comment. An October wedding in
Graham Chapel is planned.
(314)537-9951
Fax: (866)646-1541
tschiller01@charter.net
981 S. Skinker at Clayton Rd.
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Irish Dockworker / Erin McFults / scadenzstar@studdeath.com
STUDENT LIBEL | SCADENZSTAR
9
Wash. U. introduces dining changes
Bon Appétit replaced by British company
BY ELIZABETH TASTIWITHANEE
TURKEY CLUB ON RYE LOVER
In an unprecedented business take over, Bon Appétit
has been replaced by “Ye Olde
Trading Company.” This British-based entity has moved
to increase food diversity on
campus by phasing out all
foods perceived as “American” and replacing them with
their British counterparts.
“Her Majesty’s Kingdom
gave birth to this country of
‘America’ and it’s time American students appreciated
their roots,” said Reginald
Cornwallis Peeperkins III,
Earl of Worcestershire.
Peeperkins III, Earl of
Worcestershire will be replacing Kathy Carmody as head
of food services on campus.
American food stations
will be phased out in food
courts such as Bear’s Den,
Mallinckrodt and Center
Court. The station fi rst targeted for elimination is the
Fryer in Bear’s Den. Home to
American favorites such as
chicken tenders and Freedom
fries, Peeperkins III views the
removal of this food station
as “a step in the right direction.”
British breakfast favorites
will include soft boiled eggs
(you didn’t think anyone
could screw up a hard boiled
egg, but the British can) and
porridge. Other food favorites include toad in the hole
and shepherd’s pie. Blood
sausage and mutton will also
appear on menus all around
campus. Furthermore, French
fries will be eliminated in
favor of chips.
University officials are
already at work installing a
Scottish food station.
“It’s getting to the point
where I have a harder time
fi nding a plain hamburger
on campus,” said concerned
student, Chris Een. “Although, I’m getting used to
the idea of the haggis at the
Scotsman’s Carvery.”
Kaldi’s coffee in Whisper’s,
Ursa’s and the Hilltop Bakery
will be replaced by tea and
scones and crumpets will
predominate muffi ns. Peeperkins III urges students to embrace tea in place of coffee,
since tea has antioxidants
and health benefits.
The crepe station is also
targeted for immediate
removal since Peeperkins III
views crepes as “dangerous
to the young, impressionable minds and stomachs of
America.”
Meal plans will be adjusted accordingly. The point
system will be replaced by
pounds. Off campus students
can register for the smallest
meal plan, the Tea-Time plan.
Those previously accustomed
to the larger point allotments
of the Bountiful plan will
now sign up for the Union
Jack.
“I’ve already added
pounds,” said off-campus
resident Eatin Lottz.
Other minor adjust-
ments include replacing all
ketchup with malt vinegar,
offering marmalade and
having a pudding station
with plum, bread and blood
puddings instead of “fro-yo.”
Mallinckrodt will be adding
a new station, the East India
Trading station, which will
offer spices and other Indian
cuisine favorites.
The new company will be
replacing Subway with a pub,
where Happy Hour will now
take place.
“This harkens back to the
days of the Ratskellar,” said
Peepkins III. “A bit of ale
never did anyone any harm.
We look forward to a warm
reception from the student
body.”
B&D security will be
promptly replaced by bobbies
and Her Majesty’s guards.
With their inability to show
emotion, the University
expects these new guards to
efficiently remove boisterous drunk students from the
fryer line on weekends.
Director of Student Health
Services Alan Glass does
advise, however, that students be wary of beef products offered under the new
food administration as they
may be tainted with mad cow
disease.
Would you care for some of the
Queen’s peas? How about some
royal lamb’s feet? May I interest you
JOHNNY TREMAIN I STUDENT LIFE
in some bad teeth with that?
‘Ello, poppet. Would you care for some scrumpets or mad cow with your side of bad teeth and dry humor?
Hunting and gathering: new exciting choice
for student dining
BY THE SILVER FOX
PREDATOR
Under heavy student
pressure to provide a wider
selection of dining options
on campus, Washington
University administration
recently introduced a new
meal plan to be offered to all
future classes, starting with
the incoming Class of 2011.
The plan, tentatively called
the Forager, allows students
to experience a fresher selection of meats and vegetables
found around different parts
of the campus itself.
The main difference
between the Forager and the
current meal plans is that
rather than swiping a card
to purchase food prepared
by Bon Appétit employees,
students will actually roam
campus in search of live
game and edible fruits. The
University plans to spend
over $300 million on new edible landscaping and animal
breeding practices catering
to Forager subscribers, who
will be free to pick fruits and
berries at any time. However, just as the Kosher Cart
is restricted to students on
the Kosher meal plan, the
new orchards, fields, and
meadows will be restricted
to Forager use and will be
constantly monitored for
trespassers. Several crops
have been discussed as candidates to be planted, including blackberries, soybeans,
apples, sweet yams and
Bradford pears.
Once signed up for the
Forager, students will receive
the accompanying “Live like
a Bear” survival package
free of charge to aid them in
their daily search for food.
Included in the package are
a “harvest basket” to gather
wild fruits and vegetables, a
pass key to the electric fence
which will surround the cultivated crops, and a convenient, sawed-off shotgun to
aid in their pursuit of fresh
game. Likely sources of meat
will include pigeons, rabbits,
squirrels, pre-frosh and rare
migratory birds.
The University is extremely optimistic about the
implications of the plan and
is ready to put it into action.
“This is an historic moment for the University, and
for that matter, all universities across our country,” said
Chancellor Karm Nothgirw.
“No longer will students be
confi ned to eating food that
others have grown, slaughtered, manufactured, butchered or otherwise prepared
for them.” Arts & Sciences
Dean Sames “Fox” McGloud
agreed, saying, “The Forager will bring a whole new
degree of freedom to our students, and will bring them
one step closer to living in
the real world of brute survival and general carnage.”
Surprisingly, there has
been some scattered criticism surrounding the implementation of the Forager
plan, though the administration was quick to dismiss
that there was any cause for
concern. Some of the opposi-
CROG THE CLUBBER I STUDENT LIFE
Me like rabbit. Mmmmm, tasty in belly. Somewhat gamey. Good with Miller High Life.
tion has been concerned with
the proposed devotion of the
entire Brookings Quadrangle
to sorghum cultivation. A
concerned parent wrote in,
“If the quad is converted to
cropland, my son will have
no place to comfortably pass
out drunk after W.I.L.D. next
year! This is utterly inexcusable.”
McGloud explained, “Agricultural space is sparse
on our campus, so we’ve got
to make the best of what we
have.” He also used this ex-
planation to defend the plan
to convert Mudd Field to a
series of honey bee colonies.
Safety concerns have
also cropped up, namely
surrounding the essential
Forager survival package.
Nothgirw was quick to
reassure, however, explaining, “Any 18-year-old who
doesn’t know his way around
a sawed-off 12-gauge has no
chance of being admitted to
Washington University in the
fi rst place,” quickly adding,
“Those ingrates go to Emory.”
FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER
FILLER FORESTPARKPARKWAY FILLER
10 STUDENT LIBEL | SCADENZSTAR
Irish Dockworker / Erin McFults / scadenzstar@studdeath.com
SEX:
now delicious
and nutritious!
A Glimpse into
Your Future:
Horoscopes for April
BY TEIGH STEE CONDUMB
PROFESSIONAL CONTRACEPTIVE TASTER
BY LY URR SIGHKICK
In an effort to increase
vitamin intake amongst Wash.
U. students, the Washington
University Medical School has
developed vitamin-enriched
condoms that will soon be
available to the entire University community. This pioneering discovery has influenced
universities throughout the
United States to start their own
condom experiments. The condoms target several essential
vitamins. Read on to learn how
you can improve your health—
simply by having sex!
PSYCHIC GYPSY
Aries
March 21–April 19
It’s Keep America
Beautiful month, so
you might want to really think
about getting that nose job.
America technically supports
individuality, but that still
doesn’t give you the right to be
individually ugly in a country
obsessed with perfection. Get
on it, buster.
Taurus
Vitamin A
Everyone knows that keen
eyesight is vital in life and this
vitamin contributes largely to
healthy eyesight. Vitamin A
condoms come in many different colors and flavors, each
catered to different tastes. For
the milk lovers out there, there
are now chocolate milk-flavored condoms. For those of
us who love eggs, the special
yellow condom is rumored to
taste like a delicious egg croissant. Carrot connoisseurs, you
are also in luck: the orange
condoms come packed with a
scrumptious carrot taste.
vitamin C is also important for
maintaining body tissues and
keeping muscles in top shape,
these condoms will surely do
wonders for your member.
These condoms, as the singer
Vitamin C once intelligently
sung, are sure to “put a smile
on your face.”
Vitamin C
Vitamin D
Want to help reduce the risk
of catching a cold while engaging in sexual activity with that
special someone? Orange juice
is now a thing of the past;
all you need to boost your
health is some of these great
new condoms. In addition
to delicious orange flavored
condoms, vitamin C condoms
also come in grapefruit, lemon
and assorted other citrus
fruits that will help your body
resist infection by toughening
up your immune system. Since
Our bodies would be nothing without bones. These vitamin D condoms are therefore
specially designed to help you
keep strong, healthy bones.
Vitamin D is also essential for
forming strong teeth and absorbing the calcium that your
body needs. These condoms
will really give your teeth
something to sink into, like the
savory dairy products condom
line. In addition to chocolate
milk-flavored condoms, different ice cream flavors are
THE WOMBMATE
currently being produced.
Flavors like chocolate, vanilla
and mint chocolate chip are all
loaded with Vitamin D to help
regulate a solid bone structure.
Vitamin E
Without this important vitamin your body tissues would
suffer. Vitamin E maintains
important body tissues in your
eyes, skin and liver. In addition, this vitamin protects your
lungs from air pollution and
helps in the formation of red
blood cells. Usually, you would
eat whole grains to get enough
of this vitamin. Now, you can
just turn to the special line of
bread-flavored condoms. For
the nut lovers out there (and
what condom user doesn’t love
nuts?), these condoms also
come in a wide selection of nut
flavors that range from pecan
to almond.
Vitamin K
Although relatively obscure, this vitamin is crucial
for normal blood clotting. If
you didn’t have this vitamin,
scrapes and cuts would be
much worse. Foods like pork
and dairy products are primary in acquiring this vitamin,
so condom flavors like pork
and different cheeses are now
available.
With the Wash. U. Medical
School’s reputation as the top
med school in the universe, it’s
no wonder that these vitamin-enriched condoms have
garnered attention all over the
world. With the introduction of
these condoms, sex can now be
delicious and nutritious at the
same time.
WWW.STUDDEATH.COM
CAMPUS INTRAMURAL UPDATE
U.S. Cellular ® gets me... so I can always get the score.
BOWLING INTRAMURAL RESULTS
WOMEN’S DIVISION
COED DIVISION
High Series- 1027
TBA (Tracy Faxel, Allison Rader, Blair Roberts)
High Series- 790
DPT B (Colleen Winters & Sumeet Aggarwal)
Individual High Series- 363
Jennifer Downs (Buder Browners)
Ashley Glade (DPT A)
Individual High Game- 136
Ryan Kaya (DPT A)
Kelly Szamborski (DPT ‘08)
Jodi Abbott (Buder Browners)
MEN’S DIVISION
High Series- 1427
Suite 10 (Jeremy Kim, Kirk Lin, Tae Hyung Kim)
Joey Fasl (Dardick 4 Money)
Rob Winning (Bombers)
POINT LEAGUE DIVISION
High Series- 1685
Theta Xi (Peter Kruger, Lane Seidman, Nate Figler
Mike Dunn (AEPi)
Zach Mandel (Phi Delta Theta)
UPCOMING INTRAMURAL EVENTS:
HOME RUN DERBY
Deadline: Thursday, Apr. 12
Event: Monday, Apr. 23 @ 7pm
WIFFLE BALL
Deadline: Tuesday, Apr. 17
Event: Sunday, Apr. 29
getusc.com
1-888-buy-uscc
April 20–May 20
Through the power
of magic, you will
be transformed into a tan
1987 Ford Taurus with green
interior, 13-inch Giovanni tires,
and slight rust damage to
the hood. You will come fully
equipped with a cassette tape
deck, power windows, power
locks, air conditioning and
178,000 miles.
Gemini
May 21–June 21
Things look pretty
good this month. Buy
some cake. Eat it too.
Cancer
June 22–July 22
You will get cancer
this week.
Leo
July 23–August 22
VH1 has decided to
fi lm a new reality
show about deadbeat stoners,
and you will make a perfect
cast member. Get ready to be
reduced to a caricatured version of your former self. And
don’t you even dare try to censor what you do—this is reality
TV, after all.
Virgo
August 23–
September 22
This month is going
to have its ups and downs.
Do your best to navigate the
murky waters of college life.
Use the buddy system, eat lots
of fresh fruits, and never forget
to pack lip balm.
Libra
Sept. 23–October 22
You will fi nd true love
this month. Unfortunately,
your true love will give you
gonorrhea.
Scorpio
October 23–
November 21
This month, failure
isn’t an option—it’s a fact.
Luckily, in today’s society, failure basically means the chance
to turn yourself around, succeed and become the subject of
a major motion picture.
Sagittarius
November 22–
December 21
Burst out of your bubble and
explore the world around you.
Travel to East St. Louis, pick
up a prostitute and take a wild
ride.
Capricorn
December 22–
January 19
Unfortunately, that
letter you got from the Chancellor isn’t a hoax. You did
indeed fail all your midterms,
and you are indeed being
kicked out of this fi ne institution. Pack your bags, say your
goodbyes, and get on out.
Aquarius
January 20–
February 18
This is going to be the best
month you have had in a long
time. But don’t forget about
the people who liked you even
when it wasn’t socially acceptable to be seen with you.
As soon as your life returns
to normal (translation: living
hell), you’re going to need a few
real friends to fall back on.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
You will have sex with
a beautiful celebrity, who will
make all your dreams come
true. He will present you with
extravagant and exotic gifts
and take you on long walks
on the beach. Have the time of
your life with Pauly Shore!
STUDENT LIFE | CLASSIFIEDS
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11
$350- ROOM
IN Great
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minute walk to WU, 5 minute walk to Metrolink, on
gold shuttle route. Graduate
students preferred. Call
(314)374-9645.
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RED line shuttle. Many
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Tom
314.409.2733
3 BEDROOM 2 BATH AT U.
CITY. Close to the campus
and Loop. Complete renovation with fenced backyard.
For more information call
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3 BR, 2 full bath on blue
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parking, new kitchen, many
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w w w.homeandapar tmentrentals.com.
Tom
314.409.2733
NEWLY
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bedroom apartment. Near U
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SOULARD APTS. 4 BD,
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cherry cabinets, stainless
steel app, ceramic tile in K’s
and B’s, hardwood floors,
ample closets, W/D, bsmt
storage, beautiful enclosed
courtyard, Largest Unit has
gas fireplace, Jacuzzi, &
extra lg. BD’rms. Perfect For
Shared Living. $1700, $2200.
(314) 565-0552.
CLAYTON, U. CITY LOOP,
CWE
and
Dogtown.
Beautiful studios, 1, 2 bedrooms.
Quiet buildings.
$425-$750. Call 725-5757
SUMMER
SUBLET
AVAILABLE May-August
in CWE. Studio apartment
one block from Wash U med
school and shops. Furnished. $450 monthly, gas
included.
Contact
wangjud @msnotes.wustl.
edu.
SUMMER SUBLET- 6157
Waterman Blvd, 3 bedroom 2
bathroom apt. $492/ room
plus utilities. Close to campus and Metro. Contact
jlkl@cec.wustl.edu.
SUMMER
SUBLET
AVAILABLE
in 6632
Washington Avenue. 1 room
in a 2 bedroom apartment.
Unfurnished but we will buy
your furniture from you.
$450 monthly plus half utilities.
Contact
nruvinsk@artsci.wustl.edu.
4159 UTAH- TOWER Grove
South. 2 bedrooms/1.5 bath
$137,900. Stained Glass
Windows; hardwood floors;
Updated kitchen; Garage w/
car port; Home Warranty!
Call about Open House!
Grand Slam Realty 314-6038555. www.grandslamrealty.com.
200-250 MEAL points for
sale. 75 cents/ point OBO.
Contact
jrw8@cec.wustl.
edu if interested.
300 MEAL POINTS available for transfer to your meal
plan. Send price offer to
c mmor ela @ ar t s c i.w u s tl.
edu.
D I A M O N D B A C K
SORRENTO MOUNTAIN
Bike, 26”, 21spd. Fully
adjustable/quick
release
tires and seat, $65 o.n.o. ($250
new). Helmet, lock available
+$10. Great condition. Email
sa3@cec.wust.edu.
VINTAGE
SCHWINN
BICYCLES with fenders for
sale @$100 each. Pristine
condition. Located blocks
from WU. Inspection by
responding,
giardina@wustl.edu
or
calling 314-249-3363.
WASH U MEAL Points for
sale. Up to 300 available.
Very reasonable pricing.
Email twprocto@wustl.edu.
WASH U MEAL points for
sale. Up to 400 meal points
available.
Contact
jejones@wustl.edu.
1 OR 2 roommates needed.
3 bedroom, 2 bath, large
kitchen. 1.5 miles from campus. Rent: $366/month plus
utilities per person. E-mail
wej1@cec.wustl.edu
GRADUATE
STUDENT
SEEKING 2 roommates for
Westgate apartment for
Summer and/or Fall 2007. 1
large and 1 small bedroom.
Large Living room and
kitchen. Laundry in next
building. Safe Location. On
the loop and on the metro
route. Rent is $300 (with
utilities). Contact Nikky
(nc3@cec.wustl.edu).
AUTOS
1992 FORD TAURUS For
Sale- $850. Dark Blue, 126K
miles. In excellent condition
and very reliable. See
w w w.xanga.com / wufordtaurus for details.
2001 KIA RIO for $3,300.
Manual transmission, 73k
miles, runs great, two minor
dents, CD player. Averages
30 mpg! Pictures available.
Tiffany at 314-640-6661.
$5000 PAID. EGG DONORS. +Expenses. N/smokers, ages 19-29, SAT>1100,
ACT>24,GPA>3.0. Reply to:
Info@eggdonorcenter.com
WANTED
EARN $2500+MONTHLY
AND more to type simple
ads
online.
www.DataAdEntry.com.
ANNOUNCING
WANT TO GO to Africa?
Volunteer this summer!!
CREATE is a group of students looking for 2 more by
April 13. For more info:
www.create.outreachafrica.
org and email projectCREATE@gmail.com
PRINCETON
PH. D. in
theoretical physics, Washington University Professor
of Physics offers tutoring
service to high school and/
or college students in mathematics and/or physics. Call
Frank at 314-569-0715 if you
have questions. Our office
is centrally located at 8600
Delmar Blvd., Room 218,
University City (just off I
170). We charge $50.00 per
hour. Bring your textbooks
and we will work through
them. We look forward to
seeing you.
Hang With Us This Summer
Student/Young Professional Dues Discounts & Month-To-Month Memberships
Open Swim • Café • Complimentary Group Fitness Classes
Poolside • Social Events • Off-Season Sport Specific Training
*Restrictions may apply. ©2007 Wellbridge
Forget to grab
an edition of
Studlif e
view it at
www.studlife.com
M[Z#IWj
''0)&Wc#'0)&Wc
LWfeh8Whef[dZW_bo
>[cf?d\ki[Z<eeZJ_bbC_Zd_]^j
-)),CWdY^[ij[hheWZCWfb[meeZ"Ce,)'*))'*#,*-#:;7:))()
Sudoku
By Michael Mepham
Level: 1
2
3
4
Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to
9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit
www.sudoku.org.uk.
Solution to Friday’s puzzle
Sudoku on your cell phone. Enter 783658.com in your mobile Web browser. Get a free game!
© 2007 Michael Mepham. Distributed by Tribune Media Services. All rights reserved.
4/2/07
www.WellbridgeAC.com
314.746.1500
7620 Forsyth Boulevard, Clayton
12 STUDENT LIFE | SCADENZSTAR
Irish Dockworker/ Erin McFults / scadenzstar@studdeath.com
SCADENZSTAR
A story of inspiration:
she cuts it the straight way
BY INNAW OVAHERO
AKA TOMMY PICKLES
When life throws lemons,
some people don’t have the
strength to do anything productive with them and the lemons
just go rotten. What used to be
a beautiful yellow fruit turns
brown, mushy and useless on the
inside. Others, in spite of receiving lots of disintegrating peels
on a regular basis, still manage
to make a pretty delicious cup of
lemonade.
Take a look at Lorrie Snooter,
a freshman at Wash. U. This year
she has to deal with the horrors
of a ripped nail and there is no
one that could shoulder this bur-
THE AMAZING ZIPPO I STUDENT LIBEL
Ew, I don’t want to touch this girl’s hand. What the hell is that on her finger? I think
I’m gonna hurl.
den with more pizzazz.
“I was in the dorm showers
without my contacts in and as I
rummaged around in my shower
caddy I sliced the nail on the
right middle finger in half with
my Venus razor blade. It was
truly painful. Since then it’s been
really hard,” she said.
Snooter has been dealing with
this condition for over two weeks
and it’s caused her a multitude of
problems.
“Well, during the first week,
the cut wasn’t healing right so
I was bleeding quite a lot. Band
Aids didn’t really stem the flow
much. I bled on my campus card
when I was handing it to cashiers. Meeting people was kind
of hard too, because I couldn’t
shake their hands with my right
hand. I’ve had to start shaking
hands with my left hand, and I
always have to pause before I do
it because it’s not natural, so I
always look reluctant to shake
someone’s hand.”
Snooter has found ways
to work around her problem
though. For instance, since she
can’t shake hands too well,
she compensates with an extra friendly smile and a sunny
disposition. She wiggles her nose
to show that she especially likes
THE AMAZING ZIPPO I STUDENT LI BEL
I’m so sad. I have a gross finger. Woe is me. Boo hoo hoo. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
My life sucks. If life is so beautiful, why do roses have thorns? *cry*
someone. She has trouble writing because she can’t put much
pressure on the nail and also
doesn’t want to flip everyone else
off as she writes. Snooter still
goes to class, of course, though
the severe stinging in her nail
sometimes makes it hard for her
to pay attention.
Because of her injury, it’s not
possible for Snooter, an avid athlete, to participate in sports the
way she used to.
“I was on the volleyball team,
but since my injury my finger
complains every time I hit the
ball,” said Snooter.
To get in her exercise, Snooter
took up tap dancing, and it turns
out she might just be the next
Savion Glover.
Snooter has encountered some
interpersonal malice because
of her cut. She says that some
people see her red, black and
blue appendage and sneer and
turn their noses up at her.
“But you know, those people
aren’t worth my time anyway,”
said Snooter definitively, eyes
focused straight ahead. “Besides,
most people have been very
warm and supportive. I told my
floor what was up when it happened, and no one has acted any
differently towards me. They’ve
been amazing. I have really great
friends.”
As she should. Keep scootin’
Snooter!
Career Center uses Game of Life to place students
BY ANITA JOBE
CAREER COUNSELOR
In an effort to place more
graduating seniors in successful
jobs, the Career Center will be
using the Game of Life to determine student strengths, weaknesses and interests. Students
will meet with a Career Center
official (who is typically a Wash.
U. alum anyway) and a group of
other students. The group will
play the Game of Life and Career
Center officials will take note of
careers, salaries and life choices
achieved during the game.
“This is a great way to place
people in jobs they can be successful in,” commented Career
Center advisor and Wash. U. alum
Jane Read. “When someone picks
that police officer card or accountant card or artist card, you
know it was meant to be and you
watch how the students progress
through the game with their card
selections.”
The University expects to see
great improvements in graduat-
ing senior employment opportunities.
“Once we see what their future
job will be, we can put them on
the right track immediately and
not bother with other class options,” said Dean McLeod. “It’s
effective and cost efficient.”
The new game plan will also
end the flood of freshmen into
the pre-medical program.
“With this system, one kid per
game group is going to be the
doctor and that’ll be that,” said
Regina Fried, chemistry profes-
sor. “Then we can focus solely on
those kids and not work so hard
to weed out all the dumb, optimistic kids.”
The University also views the
new program as a way to teach
students about raising a family,
purchasing insurance and earning money.
“This game is about as close
as you can get to real life. I just
wish I had this opportunity when
I was a student,” said Ima Stillheer. “Then maybe I wouldn’t
still be working for the Univer-
sity, since that’s not a job option
card in the game.”
In order to keep alum employment numbers up, however, the
Career Center and the University
plan to work with Milton Bradley
to add “Career Center/Admissions officer” to the job cards.
“Graduating seniors without
other job options are our best
work force,” said McLeod, “so we
just want to make sure we keep
the game and job options unbiased.”

Student Libel 2007

Transcription

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