Purim 2012.indd - Jack M. Barrack Hebrew Academy

COUGAR CHRONICLE
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feBruary 2013
JacK M. BarracK heBrew acadeMy, Bryn Mawr, PennSylvania
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u The Bunion (The Barrack Onion):
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Anne Hathaway Prusky
Features Editor
voluMe xxii iSSue 2
News in Photos
Photo Credit: David Treatman
Underwater Squirrel Sues National Weather Association for
Unlawful Hurricane Name Use
and Defamation of Character
Photo Credit: David Treatman
School Administrator
to Play Leading Role
in Musical Revival
Photo Credit: Wired.com
Mayans’ Prediction
Fulfilled Two Months
Late; World Explodes
February 25th
IN THIS
ISSUE
Photo Credit: Oregon Live
Balloons Tied to White
House In Order To Escape
Fiscal Cliff Still Haven’t
Been Taken Down
Rabbi Lev
Wins Tour
de France!
Mrs. Cohen
Goes to Google
Translate
The Hottest
Obama
Conspiracy
Pg 2
Pg 4
Pg 3
Top 10 Jewish Hipster Trends:
Avi Gordon Levitt
Sports Editor
1. Use them as Frisbees
2. Take multiple lost iPads from
Germaine’s desk
3. Use them to take your SATs
4. Play the pottery game or any
other art game during actual art
class
5. Sell them
6. Facetime your teachers at midnight the night before a big test
7. Attempt to download games
from the actual App Store
8. Take them to the beach
9. Use them as an underwater
camera
10. Use them as an actual camera
Photo Credit: Google Images
10. Favoring obscure commentaries like Ralbag
and Malbim
9. Kippaman Kippot
8. Yeshiva Boys Choir (dropped - became too
mainstream)
7. Giving children “alternative” names like Midbar and Yesh
6. Accountant glasses (preferably cracked)
5. Naot with fuzzy socks
4. Instagrammed, out-of-date pictures of Jerusalem in the snow
3. Tie-dyed peyos
2. Bedazzled siddurim
1. “Ironic” fake-cheese cheesesteaks
Photo Credit: Google Images
Anne Hathaway Prusky
Features Editor
10 Things Not To
Do With School
iPads
Who Knew?
Biking to School Is Training for Tour De France!
Daniel Rabbi Yizhak Krizinsky Nelson
Centerspread Editor
town. Instead the family relied on
their bicycles. This tradition has
stuck with Levingston throughout his later life. Biking to Barrack Hebrew Academy every day,
Levingston could not be stopped
by rain, sleet or hail. “The roads
of the Main Line are perfect training grounds for world-class competition,” says one industry expert.
Rabbi Levingston plans to retire
from cycling at the end of this year.
His publicist informed the press
that Rabbi Lev, as he is known,
would like to spend more time with
his family, as well as his work. But
Levingston’s retirement does not
spell the end for the underground
cycling community of the Main
Line. A protégée of Rabbi Lev,
Mr. Elisha Stein, plans to participate in next year’s Tour de France!
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as well as “sheer dumb luck.” Racing bike vendors are especially
shocked at Levingston’s cycle
choice. Opting to go with a 1950s
red Radio Flyer bicycle with the
training wheels removed, Levingston was originally the oddity of
the Tour, whose veterans and professional cyclists were riding specialized road bikes. Later on in
the Tour, though, many associated
hearing the twang of Levingston’s
safety bell with impending doom.
Levingston’s Cinderella story
has become well known within the
United States. Born and raised on
a bison ranch in the heart of Wyoming, he was well used to traveling long distances. The Levingston
family’s station wagon, which had
faulty spark plugs, was an unreliable form of transport to and from
ss
rns from maternity
e
ordained at the
onstructionist
binical College
a volunteer chapter
sor for West Chester
O and sails
petitively
iously was an Office
ager of Camp Ramah
e Poconos
ied Mathematics at
ple University
kiba alum and
ried an Israeli man
met in her junior
of high school
s reading many
res including fantasy
science fiction and
t four years in Israel
hing
Down
Returns from traveling
around Europe and parts of
North America
Plays the guitar, trombone
and many other
instruments.
Was raised in Vermont and
loves hockey
Was born in Chile
Was originally from Kfar
Saba
New Academic Dean and
10th grade Honors
Chemistry Teacher
Nobody in the cycling world could confusion on his face. When asked
have predicted the nail-biting finish later on about his reaction, Levto this year’s Tour de France, where ingston exclaimed, “I don’t really
newcomer Rabbi Doctor Judd Lev- understand how I won. I have never
ingston edged out veteran Laurent been a competitive cyclist!” Even
Virenque to take home the cov- the European Cycling Associaeted yellow jacket. He did so while tion’s teams of experts were baffled
claiming an unprecedented 20 out by Levingston’s unlikely victory.
The assoof 21 stages of the
Opting
to
go
with
a
1950s
c i a t i o n ’s
cycling world’s
premiere
race.
red Radio Flyer bicycle president,
Jacques
Rabbi Levingswith the training wheels Clouseau,
ton, the first Philadelphia resident removed, Levingston was a c c o m to win the Tour
plished
the oddity of the Tour. f o r m e r
since Roy ShanChief Indler in 1943, was
euphoric at the conclusion of his spector of France’s police, stated
come-from-behind victory. Those that Levingston’s win could be atin attendance at the awards ceremo- tributed to his uncommonly thin
ny could hear him screaming with frame, which causes virtually no
delight, albeit with a look of utter drag when pedaling at high speeds,
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Photo Credit: Jessica Solomon
Crossword Answers
From Page 4
The Hottest
Conspiracies of
Obama’s Presidency
Ashira-Liah-Ophra-Naftali-Greer
News Editor
Photo Credit: Google Images
Every president comes with
his own fair share of conspiracy
theories and President Obama is
no exception. And now that the
election is
over, let
us take
t h i s
time to
go over
some of
them:
the new
ones,
and the
classics
that
you just can't stop loving.
One of President Barack
Obama's first controversies was
over his name: Barack Hussein
Obama. Hussein being a name of
Arabic origin, of course means
that Obama is a Muslim. And
in the twenty-first century, in a
modern, tolerant world, Muslim
of course means terrorist. Not to
mention that if you take the "b"
in Obama and replace it with
an "s" you get "Osama;" as in
THE COUGAR CHRONICLE
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Editor-in-Chief................................Andrea C-Andi Gram Cantor
Executive Editor..........................50 Shades of Brett Krasner
Managing Editor..........................Brandon Toll Booth Operator
News Editor...................................................................................
Ashira-Liah-Ophra-Naftali-Greer (yes this is her full name)
Opinion Editor.......................Danielle the Danny ClanaMAN
Features Editors............................Anne Hathaway Prusky
..................................................................... Marisa Seidman Says
Centerspread Editor........Daniel Rabbi Yizhak Krizinsky Nelson
Arts & Entertainment Editor .......................................................
.........................................Klielle Bon kli kli Glanzberg-Krainin
Sports Editor....................................................Avi Gordon Levitt
Photography Editor........................Jessica the Jessi-king Solomon
Layout & Art Editor ..................David Mini-Devorah Treatman
Business Manager.......................Danielle the Danny ClanaMAN
Advisor...........................................Judith the Prankster Pransky
Osama Bin Laden, the
world-renowned terrorist who was responsible
for the planning of 9/11.
Another
timel e s s
classic
is that
of our
d e a r
President's
birth.
His father, an
African native,
has prompted
critics to conclude that our
President was born in Kenya.
For those who are unaware, one
of the major qualifications for
becoming United States president is being born within the
territory of the US. Of course,
it is definitely possible, with all
the background and fact checking that happens when one is
preparing to run for president,
that Obama was actually born
in Kenya. However, with mod-
ern technology, one is able to
find countless copies of his birth
certificate online, but some
are not so easily swayed. It is
truly good to know that some
people are keeping the birther
movement alive and well.
In May of 2012, Obama announced his support of same
sex marriage. With same sex
marriage being as controversial
as it is, his endorsement was
met with some heavy criticism.
In retaliation for the President's
remarks, some of Obama's
skeptics have taken the liberty
of outing Mr. Obama as a gay
man. Michelle Obama seems to
have taken the news rather well,
though, with half a year later
no word of plans for a divorce.
In 2010, the drilling site in
the Gulf of Mexico operated
by British Petroleum (BP) suffered a devastating oil spill, destroying the wildlife for miles
around. The President really
thought he could get away with
it, but thanks to radio host Alex
Jones, we all know what really happened: Obama caused
the BP oil spill to promote his
latest and greatest energy tax.
Obama Prepares Oval Office for Fiscal Cliff
by Nailing Down Furniture
The Oval Office no idea how tall this
was in a chaotic state thing is, or how long
of construction in De- we’ll be falling!”
cember, as the govern- This new construction
ment prepared for
the fiscal I dunno what they’re gonna
cliff. Wit- do but we're thinking at this
n e s s e s time about tying them to us
report
with very long ropes
that the
President
could be – President Barrack Obama
seen hammering
his possessions down. came after the PresiWhen asked why, a dent okayed a bill to tie
sweat-covered, ban- giant parachutes to both
dana-wearing Obama coasts of the country. In
reported, “We have terms of what would be
done with Hawaii and
Alaska, the president
commented, “I dunno
what we’re gonna do,
but we’re thinking
at this time about tying them to us with
very long ropes.”
The President said
that for individual response the American
people should “cover
your heads or wrap
your kids in bubble wrap, I dunno,
just don’t let ‘em get
hurt. Tell ‘em it’ll be
like a roller coaster or something.....
Uh..... Kids love that.”
Photo Credit: Google Images
David Feinberg
For this Establishment
February 2013
The Cougar Chronicle page 4
Photo Credit: Jessica Solomon
SPOT THE CHANGES!
From left: Ichthyologist teacher (for those who never bother to look up words it’s the study of fish) Shoshana FISHbein, Barrack crew coach Emily KRUlik and
school chef Brandon Toll House Cookies
How Well Do You Know the
New Faculty Members?
Check the last two Chronicles for help!
Down
1. Returns from traveling
around Europe and parts of
North America
2. Plays the guitar, trombone
and many other instruments
5. Was raised in Vermont and
loves hockey
7. Was born in Chile
8. Was originally from Kfar
Saba
9. New Academic Dean and
10th grade Honors Chemistry
Teacher
Answers on page 2
Across
3. Returns from maternity leave
4. Was ordained at the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College
5. Was a volunteer chapter advisor for West Chester BBYO and
sails competitively
6. Previously was an Office
Manager of Camp Ramah in the
Poconos
8. Studied Mathematics at
Temple University
10. An Akiba alum and married
an Israeli man she met in her
junior year of high school
11. Loves reading many genres
including fantasy and science
fiction and spent four years in
Israel teaching
Mrs. Cohen Goes to Google Translate
Mike Levin
For this Establishment
to leave her spot as Hebrew Department Chair to take a job as Translation
Department Chair at Google Inc. Last
month, Eric Schmidt, Executive Chairman at Google Inc., approached Mrs.
Cohen at an anti-Google Translate
rally where she was speaking. At first,
she was reluctant to take the job. But
when she realized she would be work-
forms) and their correct conjugations.
One Google employee reports hearing
her say, “Hebrew is the most important, therefore we will not be translating Spanish, French, or Latin. Only
Hebrew until we know it properly.”
Because of Mrs. Cohen’s continued
efforts to strengthen Hebrew translation, the Hebrew Department at Barrack
Photo Credit: Jessica Solomon
For many years, the Barrack He- courtesy of our friends at Google, since
brew Department has been adamantly its launch around three years ago. One
against students’ use of Google Trans- student tells a story of using the online
late to complete assignments. Many translator for the sentence, “I ran my
language teachers, especially Hebrew dog to the park and we saw a bunch
teachers, believe that the translation is of boys and girls playing on the swing
set together
usually inand laughaccurate and “Hebrew is the most important,
ing.” The
sometimes
therefore
we
will
not
be
translattranslator
changes the
changed the
m e a n i n g ing Spanish, French, or Latin.
sentence
of the senOnly
Hebrew
until
we
know
it
to
mean,
tence. One
H e b r e w properly”
“I crawled
teacher
my dog to
Mrs.
Rony
Cohen,
Translation
the grass,
was quoted
warn- Department Chair at Google Co. and we saw
ing, “If you
a bunch of
get caught
old
men
using
Google
Translate,
you and women playing leap frog on the
will receive the amount of 0’s in swing set.” After the student handed in
Google” (often expressed in long this assignment without proofreading,
form
as
Goooooooooooogle). he did indeed receive a string of zeros.
None of this stopped our very
Students have been notoriously using this service, provided free of charge own Mrs. Rony Cohen from deciding
ing with translators with GED degrees
in world languages, and how experienced and talented these professionals
were, she could not pass up the job.
Mrs. Cohen has since turned the entire
Google Translate department around.
She has focused all of their efforts on
memorizing all the binyanim (verb
has begun negotiations with the Student
Association to allow the use of Google
Translate to complete assignments. A
meeting is set to be held next Thursday in the Barrack auditorium. All are
welcome and, following discussion, a
Q&A session will be held with SA, the
Hebrew Department, and Mrs. Cohen.