Birthmother Stereoypes Adoptive Breastfeeding

Spring 2009
Who Will Pick Me?
Gretchen Long shares
what it’s like to adopt
as a single parent
Adoptive
Breastfeeding
Hear from an experienced
mother and get advice
from a pro
Birthmother
Stereoypes
Adoptive parents &
birthmothers speak out
on myths surrounding
adoption
www.adoptionhelp.org
From the
EDITOR
A
doptive families often tolerate uneducated comments about their families, and IAC
families have heard it all. This issue of Open Adoption discusses stereotypes. Stereotypes
are a huge problem in adoption for both birth and adoptive families. The feature section
contains articles about how open adoption breaks all the stereotypes. On page 11 families
speak with both outrage and humor about the “Crazy Things People Say to Adoptive
Families About Adoption.”
Most touching, however, is that every IAC family is stunned and hurt that others cannot
see how highly we esteem our children’s birth families, that they have become our families.
We don’t want them to disappear, and we do not fear they will try to take our children.
We know our children’s birthparents love their children, and out of that love they have
given us the great honor of raising them.
Birthmothers also speak out on page 14 about the hurtful stereotypes they face, but they
also speak with compassion and understanding about breaking those stereotypes so that
not only their children, but also other young women facing an unplanned pregnancy
can have the comfort of an open adoption, without harsh judgment about their choice.
Kathleen Silber, IAC’s Associate Executive Director and Clinical Director, talks about the
benefits of maintaining contact with extended biological family on page 17. She not only
explains that there is room to love everyone, but also gives practical tips on developing
and maintaining these relationships.
This issue also explores two other stereotypes about adoption. First, that single parents
cannot adopt, and second that adoptive mothers cannot breastfeed. On page five, single
adoptive mother, Gretchen Long, asks, who will pick me? And on page seven, Sally Roberts
explains how she “planned to breastfeed” rather than “planning to try to breastfeed.”
Lactation Consultant, Janaki Costello, provides expert commentary on the subject as well.
Although IAC deals with matters of the heart, we are spreading our message via cutting
edge technology. On pages three and four we talk about our new outreach efforts and how
you can use social networking websites to expand your personal outreach.
Finally, congratulations to all of the families on pages one and two who recently finalized
their adoptions!
Ann Wrixon
Executive Director
CONTENTS
Ann Wrixon, MBA
6
Executive Director
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
Associate Executive Director
Ann Wrixon EDITOR
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
Sarah Bryson CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Erin Grimm ART DIRECTOR
EDITORIAL STAFF
Kathleen Silber
Sarah Bryson
Caitlin Mueller
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS Spring 2009
{Vol.26, No.2 } 800-877-OPEN (6736)
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS is a publication of
the Independent Adoption Center, a
professional, licensed, nonprofit agency.
Founded in 1982, the IAC is the largest
and one of the oldest fully open adoption
agencies in the United States.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Any use of materials, including
reproduction, modification, distribution
or republication, without prior written
consent of the Independent Adoption Center,
is prohibited. Copyright 2009.
San Francisco Office
391 Taylor Blvd., Suite 100
Pleasant HIll ,CA 94523
T 925.827.2229
1 The IAC's Newest Families
3 Going Digital: IAC Marketing & Advertising
5 Who Will Pick Me? {Gretchen Long}
7 Did you say “Adoptive Breastfeeding?” { Sally Roberts, commentary by Janaki Costello}
STAFF PROFILE
9 Meet Kim Stewart
Midwest Adoptive Parent & Birthparent Intake Associate
FEATURE { Page 10}
Breaking Through Stereotypes
11
Los Angeles Office
13
14
5162 E Stop 11 Road, Suite 1
Indianapolis, IN 46237
T 317.887.2015
Atlanta Office
3774 Lavista Road, Suite 100
Tucker, GA 30084
T 404.321.6900
Raleigh Office
184 Wind Chime Court, Suite 101
Raleigh, NC 27615
T 919.676.6288
Learn more about IAC at
www.adoptionhelp.org
Crazy Things People Say to Adoptive Families About Adoption
IAC Adoptive Families
5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 1450
Los Angeles, CA 90045
T 310.215.3180
Indianapolis Office
9
OUR STORY
Birthmother Stereotypes
Caitlin Mueller, Birthparent Intake and Homestudy Assistant
The Worst Possible Thing that Could Happen to Your Daughter is Getting Pregnant?
Sarah Bryson, IAC Marketing Director
ADVICE
17 Ask Kathleen, the IAC’s Resident Expert
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
18 Birthparent Abandonment
Lawrence Siegel, J.D.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
16
19 Birthparent Statistics & Shining Stars
20 Adoptive Parent Support Groups
*Cover Photo: Sarah Kastner is a birthmother who placed her son Bo in an IAC open adoption.
Our Newes
1
st Families
Families Not Pictured
Craig Best & Jenni Tsio-Best, Daughter Skylar
Tod Booth & Linda Johnson, Son Holden
Jennifer Busch, Son Gavin
Bill & Jennifer Hoback, Son Casey
Nathan & Cindy Huff, Daughter Maggie
Thomas & Nicole Koprek, Daughter Anna
Valerie & Ray Long, Daughter Penny
Todd Presner & Jaime Balboa, Son Mateo
Ken & Sherri Satterwhite, Son Phillip
Steve & Tammy Velvick, Son Dylan
Trey & Sidney Sears, Daughter Brooklynn
Jeremy & Celia Brown, Son Shia
2
Going Digital:
IAC Marketing
& Advertising
by Sarah Bryson, IAC Marketing Director
& Erin Grimm, IAC Marketing Associate
Internet Search Engines &
Relevant Websites
Keeping up with the growing market of
adoption agencies, facilitators and attorneys,
the IAC utilizes state of the art technology,
innovative methodology and top-notch talent
to connect qualified and loving families with
expectant mothers looking for the perfect
parents for their babies.
Now fully-immersed in the online world of
Google advertising, the IAC is reaching women
all over the country with continually more
targeted, high-quality, and effective calls for
action through their main search engine, along
with all of Google’s partner search engines.
In addition, the IAC would like to announce
that starting in May we are launching a
display ad campaign to run on high traffic
websites, some related to and some unrelated
to adoption. Our goal is to increase traffic
from expectant mothers to the IAC website by
30% and increase the number of birthmothers
who contact the IAC by at least 15%. And why?
Because we care! They can trust us and we
provide much needed counseling and services
that other agencies do not.
Networking and the Internet
Believe it or not, number three on the list of
the most frequently visited websites in the
U.S. is MySpace.com. How, you ask, can this
at times garish, obnoxious and self-revealing
social networking website have so many
users, some who are spending hours a day on
MySpace? Well, probably because it’s easy and
fun. And, what better place to network than a
3
personalized, absolutely free webpage that with
a few words and a click, can inform hundreds, if
not thousands, of people about your experience
with adoption or your plan to adopt!
Also in the top ten most frequently visited
websites in the country are Facebook.com
and YouTube.com. The IAC has a Facebook
group to act as a forum for anything related
to Open Adoption. We also have a YouTube
Nonprofit channel up and running. The IAC
is accepting video submissions from clients
and birthparents to either share their stories
of their adoption or their plan to adopt. You
may send your submissions to enetwork@
adoptionhelp.org and, if accepted, it will be
posted on our channel. Tutorials for getting
started on your MySpace or Facebook page
are also available at adoptionhelp.org/news/
public_relations.html. We encourage you
to stay involved in your adoption plan and/
or stay connected to the IAC by delving into
these online resources.
IAC Website Updates & New Dear
Birthparent Letter Format
The advanced search options for birthparents
to search IAC waiting families is now up and
running. You may try out the new system by
visiting adoptionhelp.org/adoptive_families/
and clicking on the “Search By Categories”
option. What does this mean for current
waiting families? You may have noticed
recently if you are a current waiting family
that the number of letter packets sent out
to birthmothers each month is decreasing.
This is because women are either contacting
families directly from their website or calling
the IAC with two-five families in mind. Please
do not be discouraged if your letters are not
going out frequently; the IAC has had an
increase in birthparent contacts, but most
are from the web and they are not asking
for letters since they found IAC families
on our website. The new advanced search
options will help them narrow their search
so families within each specialized category
have a higher probability of being chosen. See
the following sections for how to track your
online results. And, view the stats on page 19.
The new Dear Birthparent Letter format
transition is in full effect. We encourage
all our current clients to take advantage of
the extra space and presentation quality of
the new format. Take a look at the samples
on the IAC website at: adoptionhelp.org/
bplettersamples.html.
Using Google Analytics to Track Activity
on Your Website
Because the IAC is finding more and more
that birthmoms are using the websites to
choose the parents for their babies, we
recommend starting a free account with
Google Analytics to track visitors to your
page. Analytics will show you how many
visitors come to your site through the IAC’s
website. Analytics allows you to track your
visitors based on their geographical location,
whether they are new or returning, the length
of their visit, and how many pages they view.
Learn more about the power of this free
service at: http://www.google.com/analytics.
Tweet?Blog?
Fans?Friends?
What does all of
this mean?
MySpace
MySpace is a social network that consists of
personal profiles, blogs, photos, video, and
music. Because of its ability to incorporate
music, it is favored by bands who use it to
promote themselves and gain fans. It is
also unique in that the layout is completely
customizable. People in your MySpace
network are considered “friends.”
Facebook
Facebook is a social network that enables
you to search for people with common
interests and keep in touch with old friends.
Through Facebook you can create groups,
start discussions, send messages, share
photos and video, and set up a Fan Page for
a business or cause. Because of it’s uniform
look, it is very user-friendly. Your Facebook
network is comprised of “friends.”
YouTube
YouTube is a video sharing website that
allows users to view and share their own
video content. You can find every type of
video, from someone’s personal adoption
experience to the lastest news stories, even
movie trailers. By creating an account you
can upload videos and save your favorites
to watch over and over.
Plaxo Pulse
Plaxo Pulse is an aggregator in that it
allows you to share content from multiple
sources, like other social networks, blogs,
and rating services. By linking all of your
networks in one place, you establish an
efficient way of informing your contacts.
Plaxo easily syncs to your email account
and imports your contacts with ease.
LinkedIn
LinkedIn is a business-oriented networking
site used to maintain professional
relationships. You can send messages,
make personal recommendations, as
well as post and find jobs. Your LinkedIn
Network is made up of “connections.”
Twitter
Twitter is a micro-blogging website.
“Tweeting”, as it’s called, is brief and
frequent. It is very popular with iPhone and
Blackberry users because it can be done onthe-go. Every time you “tweet”, you update
your network on what you are doing or
thinking at that particular moment. Your
Twitter network consists of “followers.”
Blogger/TypePad/Wordpress
A blog is an online journal where you can
share information. Each blog post is like
a journal entry. Others can read and post
comments to it. Since blogs update each
time you make a post, they are considered
search engine friendly.
Join IAC’s Networks
Facebook Fan Page: Search “Independent Adoption Center”
MySpace Page: http://www.myspace.com/openadoptionhelp
Twitter Alias: iacadopt, Search “iacadopt”
Plaxo: Search “Independent Adoption Center”
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/independentadoptioncenter
You Tube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/IACIAC33
News & Events
8 Tips for Safe &
Successful Social
Networking:
Manage your privacy settings
At first you may feel vulnerable at
the thought of sharing your personal
information with the entire online
community. However, social networking
is not dangerous. Each site contains
privacy settings that allow you to
control what information you share and
with whom you share it.
Target your audience
Today’s birthmothers use the internet
as their primary means of gathering
information. This means marketing
yourself via the Internet is the best way
to reach them. Choose inviting colors
and create interesting content.
Be active
The more often you update your profile
(text & photos), the more often you
show up in your network’s news feeds
and relevant Internet searches. If a
prospective birthmother is following
you, she will get a feel for your daily life.
Show your happy side
While daily updates are good, steer away
from posting negative emotions or mood
swings. If you are having a bad day,
don’t vent to your entire network. This
may turn others off.
Build your network
Join groups, post comments, contribute
to discussions, and seek out others who
share your interests or live nearby.
Keep your audience interested
Whether your audience is connected
to you through MySpace, Twitter, or
Facebook, always give them another
place to go. Synchronize your networks,
let them promote each other. The more
links you have, the more time your
viewers will spend learning about you.
This includes linking to and from you
adoption website.
The more the better
If your goal is to find your baby, the
more places you promote yourself, the
better your chances are. Our list is just a
place to start.
Any network is better than none
Remember you are not limited to your
network. Each person in your network
has a network, consisting of people
who have their networks. It goes on and
on. Getting your name and your plan
out there is another way you can reach
birthparents.
4
Who
will pick me
by
Gretchen
Long
G
retchen, a successful teacher and, now, devoted mother takes us through the experience of
adopting a baby as a single parent. Some people may wonder why Gretchen chose to ‘go against the grain,’ not only by seeking adoption, but by adopting as a single parent. Well the answer is for
the same reasons we all choose to be parents: out of love and the longing to teach and share the beauty
of life. Although most times couples are chosen by birthmothers at a higher frequency than single parents,
Gretchen’s story goes against this trend. It serves as an example of how the right person, or people, will be
chosen by the right birthparent(s). The answer is that simple.
Does my website really give an accurate
description of who I am? Did I give too
much information, or not enough? Does
my Dear Birthparent letter convey and
acknowledge the bravery and love these
special women and girls have? These, and
a million other questions race through
our heads as we go through the adoption
process on the way to our dreams of being a
parent. Each of us brings unique and special
concerns on this amazing journey; however,
there are some fears and worries (and even
some very positive experiences) that are
unique to becoming a single adoptive mom.
Jack taking a bath
5
Being a mom and having children in my life
is simply who I am. I’ve always known that.
Just like I’ve always known my name. It’s
why I chose to become a teacher, and why I
chose open adoption. I always pictured that
I would have a family sometime between
age 30 and 35, so when 35 came up on the
calendar and there was no special person
to share and build a life with (let alone
start a family with), I began to explore my
options. I attended an information session
at the Los Angeles IAC office and came
away certain that adoption was the perfect
fit and of course with a list a mile long of
questions (really fears and concerns). Even
early on in the process though I could see
that, although there were major worries
about why any birthmother would ever pick
a single woman, there were some definite
plusses to doing this on my own.
In making that first decision about whether
adoption was the path for me, I think it was
easier as a single person because I only had
to consider myself. There wasn’t a second
person, with their concerns and questions,
that had to be factored into the decision
process. I’m very fortunate to have a great
family and friends to use as a sounding
board, but ultimately it came down to me
making the decision that was right for me.
Although my network of special friends
and family had their concerns, they were
Our Story
Just look a those big,
blue eyes!
Gretchen with her son Jack
all completely supportive of my choice to
adopt. So armed with my list of questions I
attended a weekend intensive where I took
the next step in becoming a family.
I attended that first information session in
July of 2006, my Weekend Intensive was
in August, and by the end of November
I had completed all my paperwork, the
home study and my website was up. I was
matched in May 2007 and my beautiful son
Jack was born in September. As I look back
at this incredible journey to parenthood,
I think we all have the same trepidations,
fears, joys and exaltations whether we’re a
single person or part of a couple. I do think
that being single made it both easier AND
harder.
grateful that I did. The albums allowed me
to have an initial icebreaker, time to talk
without thinking so I could get some nerves
out, and an opportunity for them to get to
know more about me. We ordered food,
which I barely ate, and talked for over an
hour. I was surprised at how comfortable
I felt with them right away. I had to lead
the conversation quite a bit because they
were also very nervous (and 16 and 17 years
old). I ended up telling them how nervous
I was and how I made my mom come with
me, and they ended up wanting to meet
her, knowing how close we are. It was an
incredible first meeting, and they called on
my way home and told me that they wanted
to move forward with me! My heart was
overjoyed and the roller coaster ride was
“Would they like me? Would I have anything to
talk about with them? Would I be able to be
myself so that they could get to know me?”
As I got ready to meet Jack’s birthparents
for the first time, I felt so nervous I didn’t
know how I would make it to the meeting,
let alone through the meeting! I had so
many fears and worries; would they like
me, would I have anything to talk about
with them, would I be able to be myself so
that they could get to know me? I drove
about an hour away to meet them at a
restaurant and knew I couldn’t survive the
drive on my own so I talked my mom into
going with me, plus made her walk around
and get coffee until I was done (mom’s are
the best!). I brought three photo albums
with me (something someone had suggested
at the Weekend Intensive) and was so
underway. I hope Jack’s birthparents will
always be in our lives as well as go onto
wonderful things in their own lives.
Looking back I’m in awe of how everything
worked out for me, and I’m so grateful
for the amazing gift of Jack in my life! I
will always feel love and gratitude for his
birthparents and hold them dear to my
heart. I have a long list of hopes for the
future, like all parents. At the top of the list
is that Jack grows up healthy and happy,
knowing how much he is loved by so many
people. I also hope to find my Mr. Right
and to give Jack a bigger, more full family
(including a sibling or two).
Grandma, Mommy, & Jack
smile for the camera
6
Expert Advice
How soon can an adoptive mother be ready?
As soon as the baby arrives!!! All she needs
to do is put her baby to her breast with a tube
feeding device whether or not she is actually
lactating. To actually lactate, all that’s required
is a breast and a functioning pituitary. If she
can plan ahead she will have a better chance
of bringing in a milk supply, but the amount
of milk produced is not the most important
reason to breastfeed. Breastfeeding experts
feel the closeness and bonding outweigh the
importance of the amount of milk produced.
If the adoptive mother knows 5-6 months in
advance of baby’s arrival, she may want to
discuss the hormonal protocols for lactation
found on www.asklenore.com with her doctor.
Many moms who have even a couple of months
notice can start developing a milk supply and
can certainly visit a Board Certified Lactation
Consultant to learn about pumping and
devices to aid in breastfeeding.
“Did you say,
Adoptive
Breastfeeding”
by Sally Roberts
Commentary by Janaki Costello, Expert Lactation Consultant
What are the physical and emotional benefits
of adoptive breastfeeding? There is a wealth of
Some of our readers may or may not know that
an adoptive mother has the ability to breastfeed
her baby. Sally Roberts, who adopted her son
Jesse through the IAC, reflects on her journey
with adoptive breastfeeding. She illustrates how
no matter what people may think, nature and
science find ways to make things possible one
might never imagine!
research about the benefits of breastfeeding.
The biological specificity of human milk
for human babies is one important reason
to breastfeed, but the ability to comfort
and nurture a baby in arms, skin-to-skin,
is impossible to quantify. It is a relaxing
experience for both mom and baby. Feeding
baby at breast facilitates bonding and helps
the mom know her baby and develop an
intimate and trusting relationship. Anyone
can bottle-feed a baby, but only mom can
breastfeed.
Janaki Costello, IBCLC, ICCE, CD is a
Board Certified Lactation Consultant with
a private practice in Albany, CA. She has
been in private practice since 1995 and has
worked with new families as both a La Leche
League Leader and a Int. Certified Childbirth
Educator for many years. She sees moms in
her office for a variety of breastfeeding issues
including adoptive breastfeeding. She is the
mother of three adult sons and grandmother
to one breastfed baby!
At what age should a mother wean
her child? The AAP recommends that
breastfeeding should be exclusive for about
the first six months and continued for at least
the first year of life and beyond for as long
as mutually desired by mother and child.
The World Health Organization recommends
at least two years. Many adoptive moms
discontinue using a tube feeding device
but continue to breastfeed for comfort and
closeness after awhile...there is no right way
or right age!
What are the three most important aspects
of building ample milk supply for adoptive
mothers? 1) Understanding the physiology
of lactation and that breast emptying with a
baby or a pump is essential. 2) Possible use
of the hormonal and/or herbal protocols. 3)
Opportunity and access! Keeping her baby
close, allowing unrestricted access to the
breast whenever her baby wants to breastfeed
and having time to enjoy her baby’s company
with support from her family.
7
Breastfeeding my son Jesse was one of the
most challenging and rewarding experiences
of my life. It takes extra commitment and
effort to breastfeed an adopted baby and I
found it well worth the effort. I want to share
my story to encourage other adoptive mothers
who are considering breastfeeding.
I chose to breastfeed in order to provide the
many health benefits of breast milk and the
emotional comfort, closeness and bonding of
the breastfeeding experience.
We matched with Christina, Jesse’s
birthmother, two and a half months prior
to his birth. She was very confident of her
adoption plan and seemed highly unlikely to
change her mind, making it easier emotionally
for me to begin preparing to breastfeed well
ahead of Jesse’s birth.
We included my plans to breastfeed in our
match meeting discussion. Christina viewed
her role as selecting adoptive parents she had
confidence in and then giving us responsibility
for making decisions about Jesse’s care after
his birth. My decision to breastfeed was fine
with her, although she did not personally
value breastfeeding.
My husband Bob was initially supportive of
my plan to breastfeed, but somewhat skeptical
that it was worth the effort involved. He,
however, became a whole-hearted advocate
of adoptive breastfeeding after seeing the
pleasure, comfort, relaxation and intimacy
that Jesse experienced through the process.
There are two components of adoptive
breastfeeding that almost all adoptive mothers
can experience. They can provide their baby
with the physical and emotional benefits of
the activity while also providing the health
benefits of breast milk to their baby, through
developing their own milk supply and/or
through supplementing with breast milk.
Develop a milk supply
Many factors go into a woman’s highly
personal decision about how to approach
building a milk supply, including the amount
of time available prior to bringing the baby
home, an assessment of the birthmother’s
commitment to the adoption plan, etc. I
recommend Dr. Jack Newman’s protocol as
an excellent resource for information on
developing a milk supply.
The more milk an adoptive mother can
provide, the more benefit her baby derives
from the breast milk. It is also easier
logistically to have a substantial milk supply,
reducing the effort involved in cleaning,
filling and using supplemental nursing
devices. However, there are no guarantees
that any particular measures will produce a
specific amount of milk for a given mother.
Therefore, it is important not to define
success by the amount of milk produced, but
to consider this an added bonus for the baby.
Our Story
I used a breast pump to stimulate my milk
supply for two months before Jesse was born.
Adoptive nursing works because our bodies
have evolved over eons to be able to respond
to a baby nursing by producing milk.
Ten days before Jesse was born, I began
taking Domperidone, a gastric reflux
medication that increases the hormone
prolactin as a side effect, which in turn
stimulates milk production. With this
preparation, my lactation consultant
estimated that I produced about 50% of the
necessary milk supply for Jesse at birth.
After Jesse was born, I continued to develop
my milk supply, primarily through nursing
with a nursing supplementer and continuing
to take Domperidone. By the time Jesse was
one year old, I had nearly a full milk supply so
I gradually reduced, and then eliminated, the
use of supplementation. I weaned him at age
two and a half.
Plan to breastfeed
When I was preparing to breastfeed I read
general breastfeeding advice that encouraged
women to “plan to breastfeed” rather than to
“plan to try to breastfeed”. For me, “planning to
breastfeed” implied that when I encountered
breastfeeding challenges, I needed to get help
to solve the problem or master the challenge
instead of concluding that I couldn’t breastfeed.
Lactation consultants and other
medical professionals
The medical professionals with the most
training, experience and knowledge about
breastfeeding are lactation consultants. I met
with a local lactation consultant experienced
in adoptive breastfeeding prior to Jesse’s
birth, again shortly after he was born, and
had ongoing phone consultations as needed.
It would have also been helpful for me to find
and interview a lactation consultant in the
community where Jesse was born, because I
had initial challenges getting Jesse to nurse
with the supplementer.
I learned how important finding a good
lactation consultant experienced in adoptive
breastfeeding really is. And that when
problems arise, getting help promptly is
imperative — delay can create a much more
difficult problem to solve. I also learned not
to rely on other medical professionals for
adoptive breastfeeding support because they
do not have the training to offer the most
effective help, even if they support it.
Build and utilize peer support
A key contribution to my successful
breastfeeding experience was building and
utilizing support from many sources. I was
especially fortunate that my husband Bob was
able to be home for three weeks after Jesse
was born, which allowed me to focus on the
task at hand. My friends and family were all
supportive and encouraged me in my efforts.
Prior to, and following, Jesse’s birth I
attended meetings of the La Leche League,
which is a breastfeeding support group with
trained, knowledgeable leaders. Through
a local birth and bonding center I met a
woman who demonstrated her personal
use of nursing supplementers and gave
me general tips and encouragement. Her
encouragement, along with the enthusiastic
response I received at La Leche League
meetings, was really moving and helpful.
Offer Support
Adoptive breastfeeding was a very rewarding
experience for me and I have enjoyed sharing
and offering support to others. While I
was breastfeeding, I initiated a couple of
La Leche League meetings on this topic,
with the support of local La Leche League
leaders. I also initiated and co-organized an
adoptive and foster breastfeeding workshop
at a La Leche League of Northern California
conference. I am currently available for
adoptive breastfeeding consultations.
Feel free to email me at:
info@coachsallyroberts.com
What are the devices and supplements you
recommend? Some type of nursing
supplementer such as a Lact-Aid or SNS
(Supplemental Nursing System) will provide
the baby with a flow of milk from the breast,
keeping the sucking vigorous and the baby
interested. A Board Certified Lactation
Consultant can get the mom set up and show
her how to use the device. When a mom has
time to prepare before her baby is born she
may want to begin pumping with a hospital
grade breastpump. As previously mentioned,
there are hormones and supplements to
promote lactation and a great place to
research this is www.asklenore.com.
What kind of preparation is involved?
Most new mothers find that having some basic
knowledge of breastfeeding management is
helpful. Knowing what to expect in an adoptive
breastfeeding situation in advance helps them
know when to ask for help, what to expect in
terms of managing pumping and using a tube
feeding device. An adoptive mom will need
support exactly in the same way as any new
mother! If the mom has not done her research
she may be surprised at the realities of life
with baby as well as with how to breastfeed
and manage whatever breastfeeeding aids
she’s using. Many mothers find the support
of nursing mothers’ groups such as La Leche
League to be invaluable.
What is the role of a lactation consultant?
Experience can be quite valuable but support
and guidance is helpful to all new moms.
A Board Certified Lactation Consultant is
specifically trained in the management of
normal breastfeeding as well as special
situations such as adoptive breastfeeding. She
will be supportive, encouraging and have an
understanding of how the equipment works as
well as an appreciation of the mother’s feelings
and what it will take to achieve her goals. If
you get advice about breastfeeding from other
medical professionals it can be helpful to
follow up with a LC whose sole focus is on the
breastfeeding management and on the mom’s
feelings about it.
Contact Janaki:
Helpful Links On Adoptive Breastfeeding
Dr. Jack Newman on Breastfeeding Your Adopted Baby:
http://www.drjacknewman.com/breastfeeding-help.asp
Newman-Goldfarb on Protocols for Induced Lactation:
http://www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/induced_lactation/gn_protocols.html
The Adoptive Breastfeeding Resource Website:
http://www.fourfriends.com/abrw/
La Leche League International:
http://www.llli.org/
Karleen Gribble: Adoptive Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy:
http://www.llli.org/llleaderweb/LV/LVOctNov04p99.html
Janaki Costello, IBCLC, ICCE, CD
Private Practice Lactation Consultiing
Loving Arms Childbirth Services
828 San Pablo Ave., Suite 110 Albany, CA
T: (510) 525-1155 F: (510) 525-0955
janakicostello@gmail.com
Coming Soon:
A video on Adoptive Breastfeeding will soon be
available for viewing on our YouTube channel.
8
Meet Kim
Stewart
Staff Profile
{from Indiana}
Midwest Adoptive Parent and
Birthparent Intake Associate
What’s the most difficult part?
The most difficult part is when a match does
not work out.
Kim Stewart
Hi Kim, why don’t you tell us a little about
yourself?
I grew up in West Virginia and Pittsburgh,
PA. I attended West Virginia University where
I received a degree in Social Work. After
college, I actually went to work for Hilton
Hotels in Dallas, TX where I held various
positions. (So I have no problem giving travel
tips to Adoptive Parents about to encounter
an Interstate stay.) To keep my social work
skills sharp, I volunteered for many years
at an agency that helped young women who
needed assistance with parenting skills
and social services. I moved to Indiana
to be closer to my nephews and niece in
1997. Shortly afterwards, in 1999, I began
working at the IAC. I hold the Birthparent
and Adoptive Parent Intake position in
the Indianapolis office. I also do outreach
with Planned Parenthood offices and other
pregnancy organizations.
Well, luckily they work out in most cases.
What are the reasons they don’t work out?
It’s sad if a match doesn’t work out because
adoptive parents and birthparents have
incompatible needs, but the IAC does
everything possible to clarify those needs
prior to a placement.
Their attitudes and confidence make
things much easier.
How do you de-stress after a hard day’s
work at the IAC?
I like to spend time with family and friends,
trying out new restaurants, or going to
movies & concerts. I also love to read
mystery novels. I am usually in process of
reading two or three of them at a time.
What do you do in your free time?
What have you discovered through these
experiences?
Actually I have learned what resilient,
patient, and understanding people we have
as adoptive parents. They tend to be very
understanding of the birthparents, and
how difficult the decision is to place.
I just started taking a painting class, and I
love it! I also enjoy traveling. I joined a group
of travelers here in Indiana a few years ago,
and every year we take a trip to a different
area of Europe. It has been a blast. My
favorite trip so far has been Switzerland. In
April, we are going to Northern Italy.
What interested you so much about
Switzerland?
Switzerland is very peaceful & relaxing. It is
the most beautiful place I have ever been. I
think that when you are in Switzerland, you
notice so much about nature, (the mountains,
flowers, clouds, etc...), that you would never
notice anywhere else.
Do you have a favorite song or style of
music?
What do you like best about your job?
The part I enjoy most is telling adoptive
parents that they have been chosen by a
Birthmother.
Kim with fellow travellers in Ireland
I can really listen to any kind of music.
However, I find myself listening to music
mostly to relax, so I’ve been listening to a lot
of classical lately.
“I have learned what resilient, patient, and
understanding people we have as adoptive parents.”
9
Feature
Breaking Through
Stereotypes
Over
the last 20 years, adoption (especially open adoption) has
become more and more assimilated into mainstream public conversation.
Adoptive families have joined adoption professionals in reaching out to the
media to inform, educate, and gain support from their communities. Women
who have placed their child for adoption, too, have increasingly become
empowered by their decision and begun to explain their story.
This feature section strings us through the stereotypes adoptive families
and birthparents have to live with still, on a daily basis. First, we’ll hear
from IAC adoptive parents whose unique or shared experiences shed light
on the public mind as it relates to adoption. Hopefully their words will help
bring more clarity and prepare us for encounters to come. The articles that
follow will illustrate birthparent stereotypes and discoveries. Please enjoy.
10
Crazy Things People Say
to Adoptive Families
About Adoption
Recently we asked IAC families on our egroups to
share the crazy things people have said to them about
adoption. Here is a sampling of what they told us.
We’ve not yet adopted, but in the
process of telling friends and
family that we’ve matched, I am
shocked at how many times
I hear: “You know you will get
pregnant as soon as you adopt. It
happens to everyone.” This is
especially hurtful as it implies
that adoption is second best, and
that my “real child” is something
I haven’t tried for hard enough. I
wish everyone could just be kind
and say, “Congratulations, we’ll
be praying for you.” My other
favorite is, “You know that mother
can take her child back. I’ve
seen it on TV.” How uninformed
can you be? Of course we know
the risks, and of course life is not
always as seen on a TV drama.
Kimberly from NC
Erin and I are expecting our
little boy in February and our
birthmother has been staying
with us since November. Here is
our list so far: 1. When speaking
to an aunt about ideas/dates for
our baby shower, her response
was “oh, for Eunice?” (I told
her “No, for Erin and I”) 2. The
adoption triad went to church and
a lady said, “we are so happy for
you two” then she looks at our
birthmother and says, “oh, she is
the real mama?” 3. Another lady
from church met our birthmother
and asked her if she will be
staying after the birth. Before our
birthmother could answer “No,”
the lady said to her, “so you’ll be
staying to help raise the baby.” We
are not co-parenting.
Rory
11
Countless well-intentioned but
ignorant people have said to me,
“You’ll probably get pregnant as
soon as you adopt. I have a friend
that happened to…”
Christine
Probably the worst, most absurd
thing someone has ever seriously
said to me was, “I really respect
you, it must be very hard to love a
child that isn’t your blood.” What?
Insane! There is something about
blood lines in the south that is
really disturbing.
Felicia, Nashville, TN
13 years into the adoption world,
I’ve heard some amazing ones:
“Aren’t you afraid her birthmom
will come back to get her? /
Where did you get her? / You see
her parents? Is that safe? / Maybe
you should try for an older child;
you already got your chance
for a newborn. (when we were
starting our 2nd adoption) /
What kind of a mother gives
away her baby? / Where are her
real parents?” I don’t know how
many times I’ve been told, “oh,
there are so many children in the
world who need families and
you’re doing such a wonderful
thing by adopting. Alexis/Dylan
are so lucky.” No, I’M the lucky
one! When I’m treated like a
missionary, I cringe, trying to
explain that I dreamed of each
of my children long before they
came and how much we prayed
and prepared for each child. I had
such a hole in my heart for each of
my children, they are my blessings.
It’s nothing about “saving a child”,
although along the way I’ve
accepted that they each saved me.
When I look at the challenges that
each of my children would have
faced in their birthfamilies for
very different reasons, I do realize
that we are perfect together and
how much our children fit with
us. I also realize how lucky I am
that their birthfamilies are active
in our lives. I’ve also been asked,
“Don’t you wish their birthfamilies
will eventually go away?” or some
version of that. Never, I hope
never. My children need their
birthfamilies in their lives!
Susan, San Luis Obispo, CA
After our son was born, a co-worker
asked me, “Did you get to name
him?” I wanted to say, “duh, he
is our son”. It drives me crazy
when some people ask about his
“mother.” I rephrase the question
using the word “birthmother”. For
years people have told me, “Once
you adopt, you’ll get pregnant
and have a baby of your own”.
I’ve heard it a couple of times
since Connor was born, and I
have to tell them, “he is ours” but
they have a puzzled look on their
face. Some people don’t think
before they speak.
Rhonda, Logansport, Indiana
We’ve never had a negative
comment about our adoption
thankfully, but Mark had a good
comeback to a guy who was
discussing adoption in general
about not knowing what you’re
getting. Since Mark is in law
enforcement it was very fitting
for him to reply, “You know, not
everyone in jail is adopted.” When
people say, “You’ll get pregnant
now”, I just say, “I hope not
because seven miscarriages is
enough for me in this lifetime.” I
find most comments don’t come
from a nasty/insensitive place,
it’s usually just not thinking, not
knowing what to say, or being
uneducated about adoption. I
think most people take your lead
about how to handle it. In my
opinion, if you are comfortable
and confident then people will
make stupid comments less often.
Kristine, San Jose, CA
We heard the “If you adopt you’re
going to get pregnant” thing a
lot (especially since we are/were
Feature
so young), and then of course we
had to go and perpetuate that
stereotype by adopting Devin
and then getting pregnant when
he was only five weeks old! Then
people had to tell us how they
“knew” that was going to happen
because it happens “all the time”.
We told them that actually it
only happens five percent of the
time. I have a coworker who also
told me how she knew I had to
be glad that now I could finally
have “one of my own” when we
got pregnant with Levi. Of course
I told her that we already had
one of our own and now we have
two. One of the worst comments
actually came from Devin’s birthstep-grandfather. When I was
pregnant we visited them and
he asked if we would give Devin
back now that we were having on
of our own. The adoption wasn’t
just a temporary arrangement
to pass the time until we could
get pregnant! I also hate the
questions about how much he
cost. Or the questions about why
we adopted– some people will
flat out ask if we were infertile
or couldn’t have kids of our own.
The truth in our situation is that
we felt like God was leading us to
adopt and so we followed His lead.
Our fertility or lack thereof is no
one’s business!!
Ashley, Upland, Indiana
For the most part we’ve been
very lucky. I am very open and
positive about adoption and I try
to educate folks as often as I can.
One of the things that bothers
me though, and this comes from
loving family members who
absolutely adore our children, is
comments about the birthparents.
One that comes up often is in
response to me saying we are
sad we may never meet Tucker’s
birthparents (although we have a
lovely email relationship), or that
we are disappointed that Wyatt’s
birthfather has moved so far
away. Their response is that “it’s
probably for the best.” No matter
how often I try to explain it they
don’t understand. I know it’s just
their need to protect our children
but it’s still difficult to hear.
Mommy to 2 Beautiful Boys
Oh...I just hate the “you’re going
to get pregnant now” comments.
Even now, after we’ve adopted two
children people are still saying
it!! I try to explain that our plan
is to only have two children...and
that we don’t have room in our
house for three children!! People
remember the stories they’ve
heard of people adopting and then
“Your daughter is so beautiful. She
doesn’t look a thing like you.”
Ann Wrixon, IAC Executive Director
Our daughter, now five, was
very sensitive, aware of people’s
questioning looks/comments when
she and my partner (who’s white)
were in stores, etc. Starting shortly
after age 14/15 months, if people
looked at them too long, or wrong,
Jaidan would put her hand on Cheri
and say “She mommy. We family.”
Karen, Atlanta, GA
We’ve heard quite a few of the
others, but also this one: “He
looks just like you, no one would
know, or can tell!” They say it as
if I wanted my son because he
looks like me and wouldn’t have if
he didn’t. I was out with a fellow
adoptive mom the other day and
“You know you will get
pregnant as soon as you
adopt, don’t you?”
getting pregnant, but statistically
it’s very unlikely.
Cindy, San Diego, CA
First, I love this topic because I’ve
heard almost all these comments,
especially the one, “now you will
get pregnant.” What is funny is
people still say that to me and I
am in my 50s! I also love Mark’s
response about “most people in jail
are not adopted.” I hope he doesn’t
mind if I use it. Here is my favorite
comment. It is sort of insulting to
me, but I love it because of what
it says about my daughter, and it
is so funny. The person who said
this knew Elizabeth was adopted.
Join IAC’s eGroups
www.adoptionforumonline.com
Registration for the IAC’s forum is free
for all IAC’s clients & alumni.
a store clerk made the comment
about her getting pregnant now
that she’s adopted and my friend
said, “that would be a miracle...
since I have no uterus or ovaries!”
Kimberly, Omaha, NE
After my second son came home
the most common “zinger” (that’s
what I call negative comments)
was about his gender: “Why
didn’t you just get a girl?” To
which my response was always...
“This is adoption, not Burger
King. I did not order children, my
children found me!!”
Robin, SF Bay Area, CA
and this lady said now that she
saw us all together she could see
now how much Eoin looked like
us. We smiled and laughed about
it a little later. Eoin is half African
American and Andy and I are pale
Irish/Polish creatures who sizzle
in the sun. Oh, I almost forgot the
“Eoin really is very lucky to have
you guys.” Maybe, but I always
like to say that we are the lucky
ones to have him.
Saran & Andy, Palo Alto, CA
We get the “Where did you get
her?” We say from her birthparents
and people say, “No, I mean from
here or another country?” What
difference does it make?
Melissa, Buffalo, NY
I can’t fault people for saying
some of the stupid things they
say, because it really is a process
of becoming educated. Two years
ago, before we embarked on this
journey, I didn’t know the proper
terminology, and I had some of
the same questions and fears!
Now I am on the other side and
can see how these comments are
off-putting. One that always gets
me is, “You are doing a wonderful
thing.” For me — I feel like we’re
not worthy of this statement —
it’s the birthmother who is truly
doing the wonderful thing. I
have to remind myself that these
people don’t fully understand the
process, and it just takes patience
to educate them. It’s hard not to
be angry or offended, but I try
to remember that usually people
mean well and they’re just trying
to relate to you.
Anonymous, Southern California
We’ve definitely had some strange
and funny comments. The one
that angered me the most was the
store clerk who came right up to
me and asked me why I settled for
a dark baby. The one that cracked
us up was from a Mom who we
see sometimes at the park. Andy,
Eoin and I were all at the park
12
Birthmother
Stereotypes
by Caitlin Mueller,
Los Angeles Birthparent Intake & Homestudy Assistant
Even when a birthmother has made the difficult
decision to place her baby for adoption, she might
still be concerned about the reactions she will get
from others, and understandably so. Information
about adoption throughout history and even in today’s
media includes a multitude of views, and not all of
them are positive. Many people hold on to the idea of
closed adoption and have not been educated about the
ways openness has changed the face of adoption. She
might first think about what her friends and family
will say, but as any woman who has been pregnant
can attest to, she will find herself answering questions
from acquaintances and strangers alike. She might be
concerned about what stereotypes others have based on
misinformation and preconceptions. Here are some of
the more common stereotypes about birthmoms, and
some of the facts behind them.
Birthmothers are often high school students
who are just too young to parent.
Even though age is sometimes part of the decisionmaking process for a birthmom, women of all ages
decide to place their babies for adoption. In 2008, the
age range of birthmothers that the IAC worked with
was from 12 to 44 years old, with an average age of 24.
Women in their 20s and 30s chose adoption for many
reasons unrelated to age.
All birthmothers are too poor to be able to
raise their children.
Money is a concern for many birthmothers, and
the financial ability to parent is often a factor that
goes into the decision to place. However, even for
birthmothers who feel they cannot afford to raise
a child, their biggest concerns tend to be unrelated
to finances. Many birthmoms do not have financial
concerns at all and are simply not in a position to
parent for many other reasons.
Birthmothers use alcohol and drugs during
their pregnancy because they don’t care about
the health of their babies.
13
On the contrary, most birthmothers are extremely
concerned about the health and wellbeing of their
babies. Concern for their children is one of the biggest
reasons that women decide to place their babies with
adoptive parents who can provide a caring home.
The IAC does work with birthmoms who have used
drugs and alcohol during their pregnancy, but 80% of
birthmothers do not use drugs or alcohol at all. For
many of the women who have used drugs or alcohol, it
was social drinking in the early part of the pregnancy.
Most birthmothers were not planning on becoming
pregnant, so would have no reason to change their
habits until they learned of the pregnancy.
Birthmothers are irresponsible and promiscuous.
Birthmothers come from all walks of life, and each has
her own story about how she became pregnant and why
she is considering adoption. Some of the birthmoms
that the IAC works with are not in contact with the
birthfathers or are unsure of who the birthfather
is, but that is no reason to assume the birthmother
is irresponsible. In fact, making an adoption plan
is one of the most responsible decisions a woman
can make in regards to an undesired pregnancy.
Even if the way a birthmother became pregnant
is not something she’s proud of, she can certainly
take pride in her decision to make an adoption plan.
Furthermore, many birthmothers come to the IAC in
a committed relationship with the birthfather, and
they simply are not in a position to parent for any
number of other reasons. At the IAC, approximately
30% of the birthfathers are involved to varying extent
in the adoption plan and are frequently a committed
boyfriend or husband.
Birthmothers don’t want children.
Birthmothers often feel that even though they want
children, they are not in a place in their lives to parent
a child (or an additional child). Many birthmoms
are already parenting one or more children, but feel
they cannot provide financially or emotionally for
another child. Sometimes they have had a change in
life circumstances and no longer have the support of a
husband or other family members. Other birthmothers
know that they want to raise children at some point
in the future, but it is simply not the right time. Many
birthmothers go on to have families of their own after
they have placed for adoption.
Birthmothers don’t care about their children
and just want to “put this behind them.”
Birthmothers choose open adoption for the exact
opposite reason. The decision to place a baby for
adoption is usually very difficult for a birthmother.
They want to provide the best life possible for the baby,
but ultimately feel like they are not in a position to
parent. Birthmothers choose open adoption because
they want to remain a part of the child’s life and never
forget about this very important decision.
There is no “typical” birthmother – each has her own
story about why she is choosing adoption for her baby.
Part of the goal of open adoption and the IAC is to
educate people that these stereotypes about birthmoms
are untrue, and allow every birthmom to tell her story
without prejudgments.
Feature
The Worst Possible Thing
that Could Happen to Your Daughter is
Getting Pregnant?
by Sarah Bryson, IAC Marketing Director
Stereotypes surrounding adoption can be frustrating
to those of us who understand what adoption,
especially open adoption, means for so many people
in America today. Over the past few decades, the ever
increasing popularity of open adoption has turned
the focus onto the child and her/his needs, and
rightly so. Unfortunately, those who make adoption
possible, the courageous women who have always put
the child’s needs first, still are often misunderstood,
sometimes even by their own parents.
Sarah Kastner and Shannon Conway are birthmothers
who placed their babies in IAC open adoptions.
Through their stories, we get a powerful glimpse
into what it feels like to be the “birthmom.” And,
we begin to see how many of these women actually
break through the stigmas often associated with a
birthmother on a day-to-day basis.
Shannon’s mother was always extremely supportive
and has become an enthusiastic advocate of open
adoption. Her father’s outlook was a different story.
“My Dad didn’t really understand any of it and was
upset with me for some time; wouldn’t talk with me.
How could I, his only daughter get myself in this
situation? Now, he is ok with it but I don’t think he
totally understands it all.” And, who could blame
him for being upset when there are so many negative
stereotypes associated with women just like his daughter.
Sarah’s parents are actually her adoptive parents, so
one can only imagine the compassion and support
they provided throughout the entire process. Getting
pregnant, for Sarah, was far from the worst possible
thing that could happen.
I was adopted from birth so I really did
know the benefits of adoption. But at
first I didn’t know about open adoption…
so when I heard everything that went
on with open adoption that was just the
icing on the cake. I mean, when I sit
back and think about it, I wonder why
all young pregnant teenage girls don’t
choose open adoption? The way I think
of it is: with open adoption you’re giving
a couple that has longed to be a parents
and take care of a baby the greatest gift
they could ever receive, and you are
still a part of the baby’s life. How can
you not choose that?
The most widely misunderstood aspect of a
birthmother’s choice to place her child for adoption
is the reason behind it. People often think it is
because they are too young, have limited financial
means or have been alienated by the birthfather.
14
Sarah’s son Bo, happy as can be
“I can honestly say that no one has
said anything mean, hurtful, rude, or
inappropriate. Most people were pretty
impressed and supportive.” –Sarah
While these factors often affect a woman’s decision
to place her child in an adoption, the actual reason
cannot be pinpointed by any external influence. The
decision is personal, emotional and unique to each
and every individual.
Sarah, who was 19 when she placed Bo for adoption,
explains, “I just knew I was not ready to be a mom,
no way was I ready… and the couple that I gave my
son to, well, they were so ready.” Shannon, who was
in her late thirties when she made the decision says,
“I wanted more for my daughter than I could offer her.
The determining factor for me was that I was already
a single mom struggling to make ends meet.”
A birthmother’s personality, background, age, where she
lives, who her friends are, her beliefs and much more
affect how she perceives her decision and its influence
on her life. No birthmom is alike. IAC counselors advise
women to be open and honest about their choice to place
their child in an adoption. This helps empower them and
makes them become comfortable with their decision in
their own unique way.
In dealing with reactions from peers or people
in public places both Sarah and Shannon hold
steadfast to the absolute confidence they have in their
decisions. And, for the most part, they’ve found that
15
Sarah with her son Bo, after giving birth
when educated, people are intrigued by the whole
concept. But, however engaging, there are times
when birthmothers leave these types of conversations
feeling exposed and judged.
While Shannon was pregnant she felt people who
met her were shocked when they found out she
was choosing adoption. One medical professional
responsible for her prenatal treatment didn’t
even want to discuss her adoption plan and, “in a
roundabout way, told [Shannon] that she would never
go that route.” Most people, however, simply “didn’t
know how to react but were very nice.” She describes
the scenario:
Yes, I feel people judge me: “unfit mom,
gave her child away”. They are most
likely thinking that I don’t love this
child…I want to tell people who judge
me that I did what I did out of the love I
have for my child. I wanted a better life
for her. Don’t judge people for where
they are in their lives but think of what
they have to offer others.
Feature
Shannon with her older daughter & Shannon Lily whom she placed through the IAC
“I would happily support a friend if she
was considering open adoption for her
baby. I would tell her to be strong and
confident that she is doing what is best
for the child.” –Shannon
A huge comfort to Shannon and Sarah is not only
that their children are with loving parents, but
that because of their choices those parents are
able to have children. And that they can see their
children grow up is so important to them. One can
hardly call it “the worst thing” to be responsible for
creating a family in such an extraordinary way.
A birthmother’s life after adoption, however, does take
adjustment. And, it’s not easy, especially when it comes
to relationships. On top of withstanding her father’s
disapproval, Shannon felt that some men she dated
didn’t understand how she could “give [her] own child
to another family to raise. ‘It’s not the American thing
to do’.” She quickly realized that she wanted nothing to
do with “those people.” Sarah refers to those who don’t
“I feel that the media plays it off. We need
more education about open adoption. I
would love to see a prime time show
like 20/20 do an episode on this topic.
We especially need to get the word out
to teens that are faced with unplanned
pregnancies.” –Shannon
Shannon with her daughter Shannon Lily Cooper
understand as “hard-headed.” And, both women make
a conscious effort to surround themselves by people
who do, or try to, understand.
In actuality, most people are gladly receptive
to open adoption. It is something that, let’s be
honest, sounds strange and overcomplicated at
first. But, once you learn about it and what kinds
of miraculous things adoption allows us to offer
each other, you are left in awe of humanity. So your
daughter getting pregnant, a bad thing, the end of
the world, a tragedy, the worst possible thing that
could happen? Well, we all make sacrifices and
choose our own battles, so let’s leave that up to her.
Shannon and Sarah are now both in loving
relationships with their significant others who are
very supportive of their decisions. While Sarah
chooses not to maintain ties with Bo’s birthfather,
he still has contact with Bo. Shannon and the
birthfather of her child remain “good friends.” The
couples with whom they’ve placed their children
keep communication lines open and enjoy visits
whenever mutually convenient.
16
Advice
Avoiding potential problems
Should we stay in touch with
the biological grandparents, as
well as the birthmother?
First of all, your son cannot have too many people in
his life who love him. In open adoption, parents widen
their extended family to include birth grandparents
and other birth relatives. This is especially common in
the case of a young birthmother whose parents were
actively involved in her adoption plan
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW, is
the Independent Adoption Center’s
Associate Executive Director and
Clinical Director. She is a nationally
regarded expert, has written
numerous groundbreaking books
including “Dear Birthmother” and
“Children of Open Adoption,” and
has advocated extensively for open
adoption. As the IAC’s Clinical and
Associate Executive Director, Ms.
Silber provides the IAC with clinical
oversight and the IAC’s staff with
clinical supervision.
Another reason for ongoing contact with birth grandparents is that, frequently, the grandparents are closer
in age to the adoptive parents than the birthmother is.
So you may have a natural affinity with them – shared
interests and so on. And, as the birthmother moves
on with her life, she may have less time available for
contact with you than her parents will.
Room to love everyone
I encourage you to continue the relationship with your
child’s birth grandparents. Grandparents play a special
role in children’s lives, so it’s wonderful that your son
has the opportunity to have this extra set in his life. In
fact, with so many blended families today, it’s common
for children to have several sets of grandparents.
Ideally, the birth grandparents will consider all the
How will our parents feel?
children in your family to be their grandchildren. If
you have other children (now or in the future), talk with
the grandparents about this. You might start by saying,
“We’d like you to be grandparents to all of our children.
We’re family now, and this is important to us.”
One birth grandmother told me that she treasures the
annual visits she has with her grandson, Jack. She
said, “I feel very lucky to be a park of Jack’s life. If my
daughter had planned a closed adoption, I would never
have known him.” Jack is lucky, too, because he knows
firsthand the love of his birth family.
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One critical conversation to have early on is what your
child will call all of the loving grandparents in his
life. You should ask your parents and your husband’s
parents how they would like to be addressed before
you speak with the birth grandparents about this
matter. Most children who were adopted call their birth
grandparents “Grandma _______” or a mutually agreedupon name, such as “Grams.” If the birth grandmother
selects a name one of your parents has already chosen,
you’ll need to be firm. You can say, “My mom has
already asked to be our child’s ‘Grammy.’ We need you
to choose another name you’d like to be called.”
Don’t worry about your son getting confused by his
relationship with his birth grandparents. Children
always fare better with concrete, rather than abstract,
information. Openness makes adoption concrete – and
Will it confuse our son to have
so many relatives in his life?
ongoing contact with birth relatives affirms them as
“real” family members. (When you discuss adoption
with your son, be sure to mention that “Grams” is the
mother of his birthmother.)
As you maintain contact with the grandparents,
continue to communicate with your son’s birthmother,
as well. Some families I have talked with thought
it was sufficient to share information with the
grandparents, assuming that they would then share it
with their daughter. That isn’t always the case.
Many birthmothers have told me they felt hurt when
the adoptive parents shared information with their
parents, instead of with them – say, news about a
child’s accomplishments in school. Even if contact
with the birthmother is sporadic, she will still enjoy
hearing from you directly – not getting second-hand
information from her parents.
Your family is fortunate to have birth grandparents
in your son’s life. In time, he, too, will appreciate how
nice it is to be loved by so many.
This article was originally published in Adoptive Families in their
December 2008 issue. Adoptive Families can also be found online
at: http://www.AdoptiveFamilies.com
Advice
Birthparent
Abandonment
Lawrence Siegel. J.D.
Although it does not happen very often, on occasion a birth
mother will give birth, remain committed to her adoption plan,
but for a variety of reasons not sign the relinquishment.
She may simply want it to all go away, she may move,
or she may want to get on with her life and not be
bothered with any more meetings. She may, of course,
not want to sign because it is too emotional.
Lawrence Siegel, J.D. has assisted
thousands of adoptive parents
in and outside of California. Mr.
Siegel is both an adoption attorney
and an adoptive parent. Mr. Siegel
is one of the IAC’s recommended
attorneys and can be reached at
400 Red Hill Drive, San Anselmo,
CA 94960, (415) 256-8844. His
email is ndep@worldnet.att.net.
In any case when a birthmother does not sign, but
does not want to reclaim, the law (in California; most
states have their own rules for this situation) requires
that an ‘abandonment’ proceeding take place.
Here is what is involved:
• Before any papers can be filed in court, the
birthmother has to have no communication with the
child for at least six months. By “communication” I
mean something meaningful. If she calls up and asks
for some additional help that is not “contact” with the
child. But if she calls and asks in some detail about
the child, that might constitute communication.
• Once the six months have passed, an abandonment
petition is filed in the county where you live. It is
actually called a Petition to Free the Child from the
Custody and Control of the Parent.
In my 28+ years of doing adoption work, a birthmother
has never shown up for one of these hearings.
The only scenario that is a bad one is if the birth-mother
does not sign the relinquishment, but makes it clear she
wants the child back. Absent some very, very unusual
circumstances, if the birthmother asks for the baby back
anytime within six months after the birth she has the
right to do so. This is rare, but it still can happen.
A couple of things to consider:
• Remember it is rare that a birthmother reclaims,
certainly after the birth and after some time has
passed; it is also rare that a birthmother will fight
the abandonment process.
• When you are finding out about your child’s
birthmother, be sure you discuss with your social
worker his/her own feelings about “how committed”
the birthmother is to the adoption.
• The county will do an investigation and may even find
the birthmother and have her sign the relinquishment,
which then ends the ‘abandonment’ process.
• The county will submit a report to the court
recommending that the birthmother’s rights be
terminated; a court date will be set, the birthmother
must be given notice of the hearing ­— if she
cannot be located, then “notice” is done through a
newspaper publication.
• At the hearing if the birthmother does not appear, then
the judge will sign the order stating she has abandoned
the child and her parental rights are ended.
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Announcements
Birthparent Statistics Online:
Birthparent Activity
100
December
January
February
90
We post birthparent statistics on our
website by the third week of the month.
You can see them at:
www.adoptionhelp.org/bpstats.html
80
70
60
A monthly reminder will be posted on
our adoption forum located at:
www.adoptionforumonline.com/
Registration for the IAC’s forum is free
for all IAC’s clients.
50
40
30
20
*Saved Families Email Requests reflects
the number of email requests made
from our Choose A Family webpage
10
0
Intakes
Number of Saved Families Emails Sent
*Saved
Families Email Requests
Matches
Births
Birthparent Referral Sources
80
December
January
February
70
70
60
60
50
50
40
40
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30
20
20
10
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80
Packages Sent
*Shining Stars*
HOW TO FEATURE YOUR FAMILY
As the IAC’s Open Adoption Magazine grows, we hope that many of our families will consider sharing their stories, artwork and
thoughts to serve not only as information and inspiration to all, but as a memory for your children and families.
A special thank you to this issue’s contributors: Gretchen Long, your story is full of hope and inspiration.
To Sally Roberts, thank you for sharing with us the challenges and rewards of adoptive breatfeeding and
what an intimate experience it can be. Thank you to Janaki Costello, for so willingly offering your expertise
and guidance. To all our new families, thank you for sending such lovely photos, we wish you all the best.
19
When submitting, please be sure to include the names and ages of your children, as well as your names and contact information. If you aren’t certain
what to write and want to discuss it, please contact Sarah Bryson at sbryson@adoptionhelp.org and she will help get you started. We are looking
forward to hearing from you. OAN publishes four times a year.
Adoptive Parent Support Groups
April / May / June 2009
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
MIDWEST
Pleasant Hill Support Group
Midwest Support Group
April 9, May 14, June 11
2nd Thursday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Pleasant Hill Office
391 Taylor Blvd, Suite 100, Pleasant Hill
Kerrin Tomek, MSW, Home Study Supervisor/
Adoption Coordinator
North Bay / San Francisco Support Group
Contact your Adoption Coordinator for dates
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Open Path: The Fertility & Adoption Resource of
Northern California
312 Sutter Street, San Francisco, CA
Teresa Pletka, MSW, Adoption Coordinator
South Bay / Peninsula Support Group
April 16, May 14, June 18
3rd Thursday of each month (except May)
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Christ the Good Shepherd Church
1550 Meridian Avenue, San Jose, CA 95125
Jennifer Lund, MSW, Open Adoption Counselor
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
Los Angeles County Support Group
April 21, May 19, June 16
3rd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Encino Hospital – 16237 Ventura Blvd.
(Between Haskell & Havenhurst, on the first floor in the
Encino classroom)
Jennifer Bliss, PsyD, MSW, LCSW, Branch Co-Director
Orange County Support Group
April 13, May 11, June 8
2nd Monday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
First Presbyterian Church: 310 West Broadway, Anaheim
One mile north of the I-5 freeway & Disneyland
off Harbor Blvd.
Kathleen Warschefsky, MSW, Open Adoption Counselor
May 30, July 18
Every other Month
1:00 pm–2:30 pm EST
Midwest Office
5162 E Stop 11 Rd., Suite 1, Indianapolis
Michelle Keyes, MSW, LSW, Adoption Coordinator
RSVP: (317) 887-2015 if you plan to attend
SOUTHEAST
North Carolina Support Group
April 14, May 12, June 9
2nd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm EST
North Carolina Office
184 Wind Chime Court, Suite 101, Raleigh
RSVP: (919) 676-6288 if you plan to attend
Georgia Support Group
April 7, May 12, June 9
2nd Tuesday of each month (except April)
7:00 pm–8:30 pm EST
Georgia Office – 3774 Lavista Rd., Suite 100, Tucker
Hailey Phillips, MSW, Open Adoption Counselor and
Amber Burfeind, LMSW, Branch Director/Adoption Coordinator
RSVP: (404) 321-6900 if you plan to attend
Other Important Dates
May 25 {Memorial Day} All IAC offices closed
May 31 {Pleasant Hill Annual Picnic}
June 7 {Los Angeles Annual Picnic}
June 13 {North Carolina Annual Picnic}
June 27 {Georgia Annual Picnic}
June 28 {San Francisco LGBT Pride Parade}
San Diego County Support Group
April 14, May 12, June 9
2nd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Private residence in El Cajon
Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer, PhD, MSW, Branch Co-Director/
Adoption Coordinator
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Happy, healthy
children since 1982
800-877-OPEN (6736)
www.adoptionhelp.org
Open Adoption Creates Families
NONPROFIT ORG.
San Francisco Bay Area Office
391 Taylor Boulevard, Suite 100
Pleasant Hill, CA 94523
PERMIT NO. 118
U.S. POSTAGE PAID
CONCORD, CA