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FEATURES
WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 22 2003
UN
F
She
makes
learning
-damental
Trainer observes
individual styles,
turns study time
into play time
By KRISTINA GRANT
Special to The Daily Oakland Press
imberly Kassner will do almost
anything to make a point.
She pretended to be an alien
who couldn’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; she blew
up her cheeks to look like a monkey; and she
set the introduction of Romeo and Juliet to
the beats of rap music.
She is on a quest to make the most out of
learning, and to make learning fun. In her
two-day workshops, she teaches people how
easy it is to learn.
“Education doesn’t
If you go
have to be work,” says
Kimberly Kassner will
Kassner, a 42-year-old
have an EmpowerMind
mother, wife, teacher
two-day workshop at the and writer as well as
Livonia Holiday Inn from
business creator.
9 a.m.-4 p.m., Nov. 2
This Commerce
and Nov. 9. Cost is $295 Township woman has
per person. Participants
a full plate, but the
must be at least 10
constant energy in her
years old. Call (248)
voice is a sign she can
363-2318 or e-mail
easily handle things.
Kassner@aol.com for
Besides focusing on
more information.
her 3-year-old son and
husband of six years,
Peter Earley, Kassner dedicates her time to
teaching students how to “maximize their
learning potential.”
While in California in 1990, she worked
with at-risk children and her philosophy was
if she could make them better learners, she
could make her program work with anyone.
Just one year later she jump-started
EmpowerMind, a two-day workshop to help
students master academic tasks, build selfconfidence, retain information and discover
how to convert information into their individual learning style.
Kassner says she recently returned to her
native state of Michigan to continue her work.
“This is where my heart is,” she says.
Kassner is so confident in her teaching
K
PLEASE SEE LEARNING/PAGE D-2
The Daily Oakland Press/DOUG BAUMAN
Learning specialist and academic coach Kimberly Kassner works with 17-year-old Mike Miller, a
senior at Walled Lake Central.
‘Dress for Success’ had the right idea
of fashion public relations and special
events.
Image consultant Barbara Davis with
Karen Daskas, who co-owns Tender
Farmington Hills-based The Fourmidstore in Birmingham with sister
able Group remembers back to when
Cheryl, recently was surprised when
three-piece suits were de rigueur for
she sold all of the $1,375 multicolored
men and bowties and suits for women
tweed blazers in stock.
in the office.
“They just flew off the racks,” she
Davis can’t wait to say farewell to
says.
revealing clothes and business casual
The store also has been selling more
dresses and suits, “and we haven’t sold wear, and blames it for some of what is
wrong with society today, including bad
a lot in the last few years.”
manners and poor posture.
Fashion directors around the area,
“It shapes behavior,” she explains. “I
including those at department stores
like Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom, don’t see that (casual) works for an
organization.”
are discovering people dressing up
Stories of bad casual wear abound.
again in the office.
Royal Oak resident Jeff Tomschin, 32,
“Companies have realized business
casual wasn’t where they wanted to go,” director of human resources at Livoniabased Phillips Service Industries, has
says Gregg Andrews, one of Nordalways worn suits to work. But during
strom’s national fashion directors.
“Businesses are going back to tradition- office casual days, he was surprised.
al dress or rewriting a dress code.”
“I was seeing ripped jeans and conSome speculate the trend may have
cert T-shirts,” he says.
to do with the United States being at
One office worker was startled to
The Daily Oakland Press/CAROL HOPKINS
war, or the economy dragging along.
encounter
a female department director
Marla Feldman-Lyons (left), president of Marty Feldman Chevrolet, com“We’re certainly seeing it on the runpares clothes with Christine Sage, one of Tender’s sales associates. ways,” says Cheryl Hall, Saks’ manager
PLEASE SEE FASHION/PAGE D-3
By CAROL HOPKINS
Of The Daily Oakland Press
Coming tomorrow
A Fit
Life:
Weight
training is
beneficial
for senior
citizens.
Thursday
SECTION D ✩✩✩
www.theoaklandpress.com
TRACY WARD
Got ghost? Well,
prepare for a
haunting little tale
t happened a few years ago, during
what started as a cozy family dinner on a cold winter night.
Pitch black outside, the guys had
already planted themselves in
front of the TV, the kids were off playing and my mom and I, sleeves rolled
up, were talking and chatting, clearing
up the last of the dinner dishes.
Something caught the corner of my
eye and I heard my mom say, “Whoa!”
For a couple of seconds, we stood
watching this white mist, a figure,
moving deliberately across the front
hall until it simply disappeared.
We felt it.
The hair on our forearms stood on
end. After a few more seconds, I guess
we were waiting for it to reappear; we
finally turned to each other.
“Mom, did you see that? Did you see
that?” She had.
We talked about it again this week.
“I didn’t feel any cold air, I just knew
it was something,” she remembers. “It
wasn’t fearful at all … it was almost
kind of nice. Like somebody just passing through quickly, not walking, sort
of whooshing through.”
At the time, we laughed it off and figured it was Grandma, checking on us.
It feels silly to tell people you’ve seen
what may have been a ghost. Web sites
make you feel ridiculous with lines
like: “Are you having a problem with
hauntings?”
I tell people I don’t believe in ghosts,
I just happened to see one. My dad
laughs. My husband hums the
“Twilight Zone” theme.
But it was real to us.
And thank God my Mom saw it, too.
As witnesses go, she’s a Republican, a
woman who reads nonfiction and does
daily crossword puzzles. This is not a
woman who sees things that go bump
in the night.
If we’re nuts or delusional, we have
plenty of company. So many families
have ghost stories that are repeated
and retold. People truly believe loved
ones have contacted them. Others can’t
explain away otherworldly goings on in
their homes.
Online buddy Jane Miller wrote
recently about her family’s bathroom
ghost, which stirred up trouble at her
parents’ Chicago home a few years ago.
“My mother was working in the
kitchen and my 15-year-old brother
was asleep in the back bedroom. The
bathroom is located in the hallway
between the two and visible from the
kitchen,” she wrote.
“My mother was intent on what she
was doing when all of a sudden all heck
broke loose in the bathroom — it sounded as if something was picking up things
in the bathroom and smashing them
against the walls and floor. My mother
dropped what she was doing and rushed
to the bathroom door. My brother suffered from severe bronchitis, and she
thought he was having an attack.
“My brother had heard the racket
and had come flying out of the bedroom, hitting the bathroom door the
same time she did. They were surprised by what they found when they
opened the door. All the sundries that
had been sitting on the bathroom window sill, were now neatly lined up on
the bathroom floor. This included a
number of glass bottles of nail polish,
cologne, etc. Nothing was broken. The
bathroom window was shut tight so it
couldn’t have been wind that caused
the items to leave the sill.
“My dad’s best friend had passed
away, recently. Immediately, my mother
thought about him. He had been a
practical joker and she thought this
must have been his way of teasing her
from beyond the grave.”
So, think we’re crazy? We’d love to
hear from Oakland County about any
ghosts you may have encountered or
personal poltergeist stories in your
closet for, shall we say, a spirited story
before Halloween.
I
(Contact Tracy Ward at (248) 7454671 or by e-mail at tracy.ward@
oakpress.com.)
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OP1WEDD1022P01 10/22/03 8:09 AM Page 2
www.theoaklandpress.com
■ PAGE D-2 ✩✩✩
■ WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 22 2003
FROM PAGE ONE
Therapist can’t understand parents in denial about kids
Dear Abby,
From time to time you
ask readers to share their
pet peeves. I hope you will
allow me to air mine. I am
a family therapist.
What makes me want to
hit my head
against the
wall when I ■ DEAR ABBY
go home
some nights is parents who
would rather bail their
child out of trouble than
put in the time in advance
to assure that the child
gets the help he or she
needs.
I see it happen repeatedly.
You seem to have an
answer for everything.
What do these parents
think will happen when
flawed. Others are so involved
in their own lives that they
would rather throw money at
a problem than make tougher,
more demanding choices. The
outcome is predictable, but
they’re not thinking ahead.
Which brings me back to
you: If you are truly ready to
“hit your head against a wall”
at the end of your workday,
the “child” reaches middle please consider this:
age and there are no more Sometimes it takes a therapist
to help a therapist. Find one
excuses left? I challenge
before you truly burn out. To
you to answer that one.
— Burned Out paraphrase a pearl of wisdom
in Beverly Hills attributed to Henry Kissinger:
“A problem ignored is a crisis
Dear Burned Out,
invited.”
There’s no one-size-fits-all
answer to your question. Some
Dear Abby,
parents tolerate their chilI have been dating
dren’s repeated misbehavior
“Charlie” for a year. We are
because they refuse to admit
going to move in together
that their child could be
at the end of the month.
Charlie is thoughtful and
sweet, and for the first
time in my life, I feel I can
be totally myself around a
man.
Last night, I had my feet
propped up on his book
bag and the bag fell open. I
looked down and saw a
pair of black women’s
panties in the style that he
has been badgering me to
wear.
Next to them were two
DVDs with pornographic
pictures on the front. I was
horrified.
I have trusted Charlie
because he really doesn’t
have time to cheat on me.
But why would he carry
around another girl’s
underwear?
Abby, I can’t think
straight right now. I don’t
want to make a mistake,
and I have no idea what to
do. Please help.
— Scared to Move
in New York
Dear Scared,
Ask Charlie to whom the
underwear belongs. They could
be for you, they could be a souvenir — or they could be his.
The only way to find out is to
ask.
Dear Abby,
Since I was 10, I’ve had a
crush on my neighbor,
“Chad.” He’s three years
older than me. Sometimes
we say hi to each other,
and other times he doesn’t
notice me. When I walk
real slow past his house, I
violent crime.
4. FALSE. In fact, police
usually find large supplies of
sadistic porn when searching
the homes of serial rapists.
Many rapists admit a strong
connection between their
crimes and hard-core porn.
5. FALSE. There’s no single
appearance or profile of
rapists. They can look and act
like anyone else. An estimated
responsible for rape.
75 percent of rapes occur
TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
between people who know
7. Studies have found
nothing in a person’s child- each other. Date rape is
hood that might make him increasing both on and off
campus, and some men still
likely to commit rape.
claim to mistake sexual liberaTRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
tion as sexual license.
8. The reason behind
6. FALSE. While alcohol and
rapes is that a man wants
drugs contribute to most
sex, and he wants it now.
crimes, including sex crimes,
TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
they’re not totally responsible
ANSWERS:
for them, although they’re fre1. FALSE. Rape is common
quently used as an excuse.
in male prisons, and not un7. FALSE. One large study
known in all-male institutions.
of rapists revealed that 80 per2. FALSE. Seventy-eight
cent had been victims of sexupercent of white victims are
al abuse themselves, either as
raped by white men, and 70
children or as young adults.
percent of black victims are
8. FALSE. Anger, resentraped by black men.
ment against women, desire
3. FALSE. A woman in this
and the need for control as
country is raped every six
minutes. Three of four women well as sex play a major role.
Insecurity about sex, fear of
will be victims of at least one
his own homosexual inclinations, and an attempt to
impress other males often play
a part, especially in gang
rapes.
If you answered six of these
questions correctly, you’re better informed than most on this
subject.
(Write to Dr. Joyce Brothers
c/o King Features Syndicate,
888 Seventh Ave., New York,
NY 10019.)
LEARNING
FROM PAGE D-1
Academic coach
makes studying more
fun — and personal
that she offers a 100 percent
guarantee. If a person’s learning ability
doesn’t start to flourish in the
first two hours of the workshop, or they are not having
fun, they can leave the workshop. They will get a full
refund, no questions asked.
But in the history of her
workshops, she’s “never once
had anyone leave.”
Sound too good to be true?
Greg Alessi, chief of operations at Children’s Village in
Waterford Township, says no.
“If money wasn’t an issue,”
he says, “she’d be on staff
here.”
Kassner worked her magic
with about 40 children at the
Village during a one-week
program, Alessi says, which
resulted in “substantial
improved learning.”
“She has a lot of energy,” he
says with a laugh.
She engages the children
with her captivating personality and then gets them to
learn in fun ways, Alessi adds,
such as teaching them memo-
The Daily Oakland Press/DOUG BAUMAN
Learning specialist and academic coach Kimberly Kassner (left) works with 17-year-old Mike
Miller a senior at Walled Lake Central. Kassner is helping Mike with his upcoming ACT test.
rization by making up fun stories.
Some of Kassner’s other
learning techniques include
her monkey impersonation.
This came into play when she
and her students acted out
some test-taking skills, she
says, one of which involved
making silly mistakes. To get
this etched into their minds,
they were told to make silly
faces. Kassner’s face was
laughed at and she was told
she looked like a monkey.
“She employs learning that
is empowering,” Alessi says.
“She really strikes a chord
with the kids.”
To “strike a chord,” Kassner
(Write to Abby, P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.)
BRIDGE
What do you know about rape crimes?
Most people know rape is a
terrible crime, but why has it
continued to increase, even
when many other crimes are
decreasing?
1. Since rape is a crime
limited to female victims,
males really don’t understand the seriousness of it.
TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
2. Victims
of rape are
■ DR. JOYCE
almost
BROTHERS
always
raped by
someone of a race different
from their own.
TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
3. A woman is raped
somewhere in this country
once every hour.
TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
4. Studies have shown
there is no link between
sadistic pornography and
acts of rape.
TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
5. An informed woman
can usually look at a man
and talk with him briefly
and know whether he’s a
would-be rapist.
TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )
6. Too much alcohol or
drugs is almost always
can feel him looking at me.
My dream is to ask Chad
to my senior prom next
spring. Can you give me
some advice?
— Love-Struck
in Santa Monica, Calif.
Dear Love-Struck,
The next time you stroll
past Chad’s house and catch
him outside, stop and chat
with him. You have changed a
great deal since you were 10.
By Christmas you may have
established a relationship, and
if you have, make a New
Year’s resolution to ask him to
the prom by March. If he’s
available, that’s plenty of
notice. If he’s not, there’s still
time to ask someone else.
starts off her workshops with
tests such as listing 20 unrelated objects and telling her
audience to memorize them.
She’ll then take note of how
they best accomplish this —
for instance, whether they are
visual or auditory learners —
and she will build on that,
she says.
Kassner struggled with
learning when she was in college, too, and after she discovered how she learned, she
wanted to share her knowledge with others.
Bob Steeh, director of Novi
Community Education, said
he saw Kassner’s tape and
thinks it’s just what they need
for their after-school program.
“She’s energetic and passionate,” Steeh says.
But don’t think it is
required to be a teeny-bopper
in order to attend her workshops, because she welcomes
anyone 10 or older. And don’t
think the older generations
cannot have just as much fun
learning.
Kassner has a musicalchairs review session in her
workshop that she says is an
absolute blast.
“I thought I’d have to worry
about kids getting out of
hand,” she says and laughs,
“but there were 50-year-old
women jumping across
chairs.”
And if someone wants to
skip the group workshops and
get some one-on-one attention, Kassner also does private tutoring. But at $125 for
the first two-hour session and
$100 for each additional session, a participant would get
more for their money by
attending a workshop. If
money is an issue either way,
Kassner stresses that she will
work something out.
Kyrston Miller, a 43-yearold mom in Commerce
Township, had her son,
Michael, tutored by Kassner
to improve his test-taking
strategy for the ACT.
Michael, 17, has no problem
working with Kassner when
he isn’t playing football or
hanging out with his friends.
“She’s pretty cool,” he says.
“And, she makes me feel
smart by telling me how good
I do.”
Miller was so intrigued and
impressed with the fact that
Michael’s score improved by
more than 50 percent after
four hours worth of tutoring,
she’s taking her whole family
to the next EmpowerMind
workshop.
Miller says she chose
Kassner versus a larger learning institute because as the
saying goes, “Give a man a
fish and he’ll eat for a day,
teach him how to fish and
he’ll eat for a lifetime.” And
she believes Kassner’s “fish”
are the ones that will leave a
lasting impression.
Kassner doesn’t consider
what she does work, as she
says she loves teaching and
she has a great time doing it.
“(Teaching) is not just what
I do,” Kassner says, “it’s who I
am.”
‘Dr. Girlfriend’ helps women navigate the dating scene
By KELLY STARLING-LYONS
Of the Raleigh News & Observer
At first, it sounds like a phone call
between girlfriends. One woman
gives the other the low down on her
new guy friend. She confides how he
failed to keep a date, how she wasn’t
sure he was considerate enough. The
other woman responds not with
indignation, but with analysis.
“Were there any structured plans?”
Lauren Durant asks. “Were there
things you could have done differently to pre-empt the fuzziness over
when you’d meet?”
Sounds tough, but that’s what
women pay Durant for. With a partner, she created Insight Corp. last
year, a national consulting business
that gives women the tools they need
to succeed in evaluating themselves,
building self-esteem, dating and
bonding with men.
A central service of her company is
her telephone coaching sessions, in
which she leads women step-by-step
through the process of finding the
right guy. Her clients, she says, don’t
feel that their dating woes are deep
enough to talk to a therapist, but
talking to an informed sister-friend
on the phone is just right.
They can call her evenings or weekends. Plus, there’s anonymity. No one is
staring at them while they talk about
something that’s difficult to share.
An assistant clinical professor at
Duke University Medical Center and
trained as a psychologist, Durant
helps women with dating survival
skills — breaking down what men
say and do, catching ways women
sabotage relationships and developing a plan for finding a lifetime mate.
“People sometimes ask me how I
can help if I’m not married,” Durant,
30, says.
But a doctor doesn’t have to have
your ailment to help you heal, she said.
Durant says she hasn’t dealt with
dating drama since she was 18. But
she does know what it’s like being
single. When she first moved to
Durham, N.C., four years ago from
Syracuse, N.Y., people said it was a
hard place to find a man.
Instead of moping, Durant, a statuesque woman with arched brows
and a ready smile, created an aggressive plan that launched her into the
dating scene: She hit Starbucks,
Barnes & Noble, parties of MBA and
law students, salsa night. She tried
golfing and ski clubs. She told
friends, especially married ones, that
she was single and would like to be
in a relationship.
After dates and outings, Durant did
homework, jotting notes from conversations and qualities of men she met.
Within six months, she had accomplished her goal and had a relationship with a good man, she says.
She saw that desire for companion-
ship in women who came to see her
at Duke. Some clients sank into the
brown leather sofa to talk about
depression and anxiety. After helping
them through distress, Durant realized one theme often described their
troubles: Relationships with men.
As she listened to them talk, an
idea developed. It cemented after she
talked with her boyfriend. He encouraged her to start a business that
would help women and help herself
financially. With his support and
funding, Durant created Insight
Corp. and developed a seminar series
on finding and keeping a good man.
At her sessions, Durant said,
women often asked if there was a
way to continue getting feedback and
chart their dating progress. She
designed a workbook, the teleconsulting service and a hot line, “Ask Dr.
Lauren.”
Durant typically helps AfricanAmerican women ages 28 to 42 who
have never been married or were
married and want to start over. An
hour talk costs $75, a bundle of three
questions is $25.
In her phone sessions, Durant
adopts a casual tone. She probes and
soothes, equal parts therapist and
girlfriend. She assigns homework —
10 hours a week for 18 months.
Chuck Johnson, a consultant for
her business, says women respond to
Durant’s credentials, earned from
education and life.
“She’s someone who doesn’t have
anything at stake in their relationship.
She can take a look and interpret it
from the outside,” Johnson says.
Durant measures her success by
how her clients are doing. Two women
are in the proposal stage — their
boyfriends are asking about rings and
what they think of being married.
“I’m very hopeful that I’ll be getting wedding invitations soon,” she
says.