My Policies in Jungleland

Y
POLICIES*/
IN
JUNOLELAND
MY
POLICIES
IN
JUNGLELAND
BY
FLETCHER C. RANSOM
& HOPKINS
NEW YOBK
BARSE
Copyright 1910
By
My
Policies
FLETCHER
C.
RANSOM
Kravest, Biggest
BUSIEST,
Red Blood
Man
on Earth.
Race.
of the Anglo-Saxon
Product of Western Civilization. The Mighty
Hunter. Slayer of Untruth, Injustice, Hypoc
Human in every Fibre. Com
risy and Crime.
Man. By the Grace of
panion to his Fellow
God, Leader in the World s Progress.
488831
3
MX
POLICIES
IN
JUNCUUND
HERE
I am!
Ladies and Gentleman and Fellow Animals
front of your smiling faces.
those that
don t
I
am
no stranger to you.
m
You all know me, anyhow,
for business. Came all alone
here
I get through. I
Two hundred and sixty-three others invited themselves
will before
except for two Trusties.
Delighted to be with you, in
but I declined the invitation.
I
am
never lonely with myself,
am
I Profess?
Ah,
I take great pleasure in introducing Professor Balboa, the world-re
nowned scientist, and my son, the champion shot (snap shot) of the world, "ComeI forgot.
here"
the boy wonder, Salute
Us
6
Secretary Bird.
I have had Secretaries that I
thought
were
birds,
and have known
secretaries that
thought they were birds, but this is the
time I ever saw one, that was a bird.
brain has only one Lobe.
8
first
My
c HIEF
Hula Hula,
I consider this the treat of
9
my
life.
Swallow the
bait!
HIEF
Hula Hula had introduced himself the night before to a very saucy
I collected two or three natives and ad
lion who had made faces at him.
vanced to the spot when suddenly I was challenged Stopl I knew the voice. It
was the voice of
The
"Comehere."
signal worked.
Waving my
We were in focus
hat and old
gun
"hot-air,"
I halted
a bully plate might have been wasted.
10
11
THE
Cheetah
friend,
is
a ferocious animal but can become
Sam Hanks,
said
"Look
em
domesticated.
in the eye, Colonel
They
ll
As my
ketch your
meaning."
WITH NATURE
WAS
Animals were waiting to eat me alive, nature
I everywhere. But I was happy, Oh, so happy! It was bully to see and to
hear it at close range. My own thoughts were not of killing.
alone
among
savages.
12
King says
The water s
*
"Teddy
incidentally,
my
in
take a swim,
fine, let s
Leave Balboa to guard your
And
come on
shirt
skirt.
The King was leading by a length
While I was saving well my strength,
Half way across, by easy stroke
I hear a shout from the old bloke.
Stop! Stop! The Expedition s a success
I ve found a frog, cries the Profess.
A frog that
got one spot to spare,
other frogs with him compare.
No
s
Come back and
I
ll
Was
look.
write a book
I
Mad?
So much I
when I
return.
How do I look?
14
learn,
15
17
fTlHE
a curious animal, especially the female. One night after I
had hit the mat, I was suddenly awakened by Gussie, our little pet. I put
out my hand gently (as usual) in a playful way and fixed my eyes upon her.
Crocodile
is
-*
This will work with any amphibian or politician, and I have used the same with
marked
success
upon other subjects
slightly addicted to water
18
stock.
I
WAS taking a brisk walk when I happened to glance up and there was a huge
Rhino.
pressing.
I would I might have added him to
"Comehere"
was expecting me home
19
my
soon!
trophies.
But time was
MY WEEK
POLICY
W
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JujllNl-i 15
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SUNDAY
MUCH
and
I
had I learned of the
terrible sleeping fly
WILL NOT RUN
but I said
"bring
him
on"
he was brought. Whenever I
stung it is because I permit it. He
Was I ever put to sleep? Ask me! But the
stings me! Do I sleep? Bah!
the faithful prostrate themselves.
"Comehere," work the camera while
m
fly?
20
21
I
MY
old friend Stork began telling
me what
THINK
I
WILL NOT RUN
a bully fellow I was and that he
thought I was the finest advance agent ever for him and prosperity
I was delighted, but just then I remembered why I left home.
posterity.
22
no,
TUESDAY
I
FLEA. Them s
MRS.
stay home.
Anyhow,
mine
it s
all
HAVE DECIDED NOT TO RUN
mine
my
getting crowded.
Colonel.
24
youngest.
The
rest
wouldn t
Don t give me any more advice,
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WHO SAYS I WILL RUN
WEDNESDAY
I
GLANCE around to see if all is ready.
Where
Ah, there he
Never!
I had
is "Comehere"?
I pause an instant. Thump! Thump!
My heart?
often wondered if my nerve would forsake me upon confronting the King of
is.
Beasts
the lion.
day I have but one
is
precious.
But
("Comehere,"
Not
Had
mine.
fear.
It
is
I not met Hogitall, the
densely wooded.
The
light
King of Trusts?
is
Bully!
you know the ropes; they must come
26
out.)
To
not fast and the plate
NOW SOMEBODY ELSE RUN
THURSDAY
WILL
Will
they miss
me
they yell out,
or forget
"What s
me?
the
news?"
Will they photograph and follow?
If they don t, I ll bust "Who s Whos."
28
THE
Kudu is one of the wildest
of the
Antelopes, but he can be touched.
Touching is an art a lost art, recalling
a bitter interview
at
29
home.
WHO
FISHDAY
SAYS
I
CAN T RUN
King, who I believe is a liar (as usual) had told me that a swell elephant
puts symbols on his sides to indicate his position in society. I was watching
THE
at a lime deposit for the strange sight,
and while I had not
the Club, I was preparing to do so,
when
and proceeded to carry out the King s
P. S.
(Sorry couldn t add King to Club.)
beast
30
Shades of Long!!!!!
tale.
King into
Out came the
initiated the
31
SATURDAY
DIDN T
32
I
RUN OXCE
says he to me,
King
THEYou
ll
Just take
I
So
m
fish,
to
if
rule,
fish,
are,
Teddie
Teddie-
you wish,
to fish.
I take the Chair of State again,
And
There
s
for a few hours recall what I have been
not a Congressman over here,
Job is a cinch Xo election is near-
s
The
It
who you
job and
my
off to
forget
says he
great to be on the throne again,
And to
rule in the place of a
But Kings have
And
"Your
I
My
their troubles,
so have I
Here comes
"You ll
the Professor, with blood in his eye
Royal
grant
Highness,"
me
Is there
he says,
says he
one favor,
know you ll agree,
own little wish is a
Why
King of Men.
trifle,
you
ll
see.
any reason on earth
I can
have one photograph taken,
By your wonderful snap shot man "Comehere,"
He s taken three hundred of you, I ll swear."
"Shut
t
says I to the fossilized One,
up!"
"You
are
all
through,
all
through
Before you ve begun
You can t talk like that
To
a
King on
Get
out,
a throne-
Get
out,
and bug
33
it alone."
34.
I swear
To
And
I
the
it is
same bully fun
flourish the
em
see
wonder
Big
run.
if I
went back,
Would they stand for
As they used to do?
I guess
it
Till the
Then
I
Xot
m
I
ll
s
Stick
it
WHEW!
now
better to rule over here
King gets back and asks for his chair,
climb right down and go on with the game,
playing here
now
for additional fame,
as a ruler, but just as a
Who
don
t
man,
have to worry and don
35
t
give a d
n!
Uncle Joe
Joe,
OLDWith
He
takes
By
a hold like
them
alive
this,
s his
name,
he plays the game-
and teaches them
tricks,
handing out tariff with mixed politics
His hold
is
a corker,
Till after the
He s
that
a son-of-a
knew some,
was won
I thought I
famous
election
son-of-a
son-of-a
gun
rpIGERS in Africa!
1
Ha! Ha! Ha!
37
a la Hula.
OOGIE
I have always shaken the conductor
hand.
I
dipped in
(P. S.
m for the glad hand.
and
It s
my
tried the stew, I rolled
The Queen
s
policy,
up my
waited.)
38
hand, any old
So when Chief Hula
hand, the engineer
my
sleeve
policy.
and
tried
s
it too.
I
HAD gone to a secluded nook with my trusty money-getter, and had just made
two fortunes, when all at once my eyes became glued upon the most marvel
It was bully and in the dazzling sunlight I could but
lous, most glorious snake.
think of pictures gone
but not forgotten.
40
SF
B
4
6/^1OMEHERE," what have you been doing? Photographing the Professor?
Cut it out. The Smithsonian Institution will have just one pic
^^
ture of
of me.
him
if
he
lasts the trip
Lord Duneasy, am I
out and that will be in the act of writing his eulogy
the whole thing or not?
42
4*5
A MEMBER
45
A SWELL FRONT
Hippo
one
is
all alone.
a dangerous Cuss to meet
The
picture s copyrighted.
46
when he
s excited.
I captured this
47
T HAD taken Chief Hula
A delivered to the various
Hula
to a
bank to try
my speech that was to be
He said it was the strongest he had
Indian Hemp was mild dope.
Universities.
ever taken or stood for and that
48
50
WAS
sitting alone
by the sad, sad sea,
Thinking of home, of Bill and Me
the Grand Old part
part party,
I
And
When
"Te
a
little
came chirping along
bird
Wit, Te Wit, Te
Wee-
Wake
Bill s
up, Siree, Siree, Siree,
buried your policy, I see.
51
WITH
And
A
a face like this
a merry smile,
politician I would be,
I d get the votes
And
count the coin
Alone down by the
WAS
sea.
much delighted to receive a hint from the King to attend the Ele
I phant Show and, thrusting additional honors upon me, he commanded me to
I could not
escort his daughter who had just returned from a finishing school.
the
King s Guard, an estimable lot of
help thinking, as we marched proudly past
young men (who, by the way, seemed jealous of me) what a sensation she would
very
cause at Newport.
She was a decided brunette and plump, with full lips and retrousse nose.
we passed
the
rare humor.
King s
box, he smiled, having dined very well, which
It was bully!
52
made him
As
in
53
HAVE
I
made men
sheriffs,
things bare-handed, and
it
marshal! s and postmasters for their ability to take
was up to me to make good. The Oogie, one of
the speediest animals known, was the victim I wished to throttle.
him
in the Jungle.
was awful.
upon him.
Cornered, there he was.
I heard
excitement.
The
tension
of horror from the natives as I prepared to pounce
I fell exhausted. The Oogie had lost.
it was over.
cries
In a moment
All was
I came upon
54
Representatives of a glorious Country, I am honored by
this spontaneous outpouring of these Massive Masses to listen to the greatest
MY
Noble Braves
tribute ever paid to that greatest of all institutions
the
Home
dence.
!
How
Here
s to
the home.
The
Sanctity of
Your very presence before me is evi
one King, One Jungle, one Wife, one Home.
(Thunderous
close to
your hearts
it is.
Applause.
56
57
T TANDS up! No money changes pockets
me
d
ye hear?
here.
These heads belong to
I get a certificate with every one.
58
me
bye to dear old Africa,
GOOD
Which has furnished me
Good
luck
Who have
still
so
to the lucky beasts
escaped
my
gun.
And now
I
m
He
much
for the quiet life,
off for Home Sweet Home,
rides just as easy as ever,
If you only know
how
tis
done.
60
fun-
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SiMW
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1959
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