Transracial Adoption - Independent Adoption Center

Spring 2010
Transracial
Adoption
What Experts Say
Pros and Cons
Featured Staff Profile
www.adoptionhelp.org
From the
EDITOR
This Spring 2010 Issue of “Open Adoption” focuses on transracial adoption. Transracial
adoption is placing children with parents who are not of the same race or ethnicity. Most
transracial adoptions involve a child of color placed with White parents. My daughter’s
adoption was a transracial placement. Adopting transracially requires a love for learning
and a commitment to teaching, but most importantly, it is a commitment to your child to
keep them connected to their racial and ethnic heritage.
At the IAC, our interest is always for the welfare of children. We believe all children need
to be raised in a loving and supportive home. This is our focus and our reason for what
we do. With this ultimate goal in mind, comes a deep dedication to open adoption. Open
adoption allows children to both know their racial and ethnic identity, and to have a
connection to that community not only through the efforts of their adoptive parents, but
also through their birth families.
This issue is also a special dedication to the love, knowledge, and unique experience the
IAC staff brings to work everyday. In the following pages, you will learn more about some
of the counselors and staff at the IAC. I will share my story, followed by collaborative
advice from IAC counselors on raising a child of a different race and/or ethnicity.
Lane Mashal, MSW (on cover), is currently an IAC Adoption Coordinator in the Los
Angeles office, but he is also an IAC adoptive parent. He writes movingly about his
experience representing two minority groups in adoption, that of an LGBT family and
of a White father to two children, one who is African American and one who is African
American and Hispanic.
This issue also contains a brief history of transracial adoption in the United States
written by Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer, Ph.D., MSW, the Los Angeles office Branch CoDirector and Adoption Coordinator. Guylaine is also an adoptive mother in a multiracial
family. She has much experience with, and has done extensive research on, transracial
adoption.
Finally, we have also compiled a chart outlining the different positions in the ongoing
controversy over transracial adoptions in the United States. We hope that this issue will
provoke thought as well as action on the part of our families.
Ann Wrixon
Executive Director
Contents
Ann Wrixon, MBA
Executive Director
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
Associate Executive Director
Ann Wrixon EDITOR
Sarah Bryson CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Erin Grimm ART DIRECTOR
EDITORIAL STAFF
Kathleen Silber
Sarah Bryson
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS Spring 2010
{Vol.27, No.2 } 800-877-OPEN (6736)
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS is a publication of
the Independent Adoption Center, a
professional, licensed, nonprofit agency.
Founded in 1982, the IAC is the largest
and one of the oldest fully open adoption
agencies in the United States.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Any use of materials, including
reproduction, modification, distribution
or republication, without prior written
consent of the Independent Adoption Center,
is prohibited. Copyright 2010.
San Francisco Office
391 Taylor Blvd., Suite 100
Pleasant HIll ,CA 94523
T 925.827.2229
Los Angeles Office
5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 1450
Los Angeles, CA 90045
T 310.215.3180
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
1 The IAC’s Newest Families
2 Announcing IAC’s First Blog
2 IAC Granted License in Texas
2 2010 San Francisco Gay Pride Parade
2 Social Media Update
2 IAC’s Annual Summer Picnics
OUR STORY
3 The Legacy of Open Adoption
Ann Wrixon, MBA
FEATURE { Page 5}
5 A Brief History of Transracial Adoption
Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer PhD, MSW
7 Finding the Happiest Place on Earth
Lane Mashal, MSW
STAFF PROFILE
9 Realizing a Dream
An interview with the IAC’s own Lane Mashal
Indianapolis Office
5162 E Stop 11 Road, Suite 1
Indianapolis, IN 46237
T 317.887.2015
Atlanta Office
3774 Lavista Road, Suite 100
Tucker, GA 30084
T 404.321.6900
ANNOUNCEMENTS
11 Birthparent Statistics & Adoption Keepsakes
12 Adoptive Parent Support Groups
Raleigh Office
184 Wind Chime Court, Suite 101
Raleigh, NC 27615
T 919.676.6288
Pearland Office
11601 Shadow Creek Pkwy, Suite 111-221
Pearland, TX 77584
T 404.321.6900
Learn more about IAC at
www.adoptionhelp.org
On the cover is Lane Mashal with his husband Steve and sons Yoni, 9 & Shai, 4
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
Newest Families
2010 i s fly i n g by ! C o n g r at u l at i o n s to a l l o u r n e w fa m i l i es .
Cherish the sweet baby moments while you can. They grow up fast.
Not Pictured:
Ron & Katharine Alcatraz,
son Jacob
Kim & Kevin Ellis, son Luke
Heather & Danny Cullier, daughter Kendall
Rita Fichera & Marie Gomez,
daughter Victoria
Michael & Isabelle Bell,
daughter Sarah
Stuart & Jean Brockmeier,
son Sean
Roslyn Cole,
son Theodore
Matt Dickison & Matt Donahoe,
daughter Maya
Patrica Dunne & Maureen Beasley,
son Liam Patrick
Rosario Garcia & Erin Norris, son Ari
Bobby Heptig & Gregg Garland,
daughter Sabrina
Pam & Greg Holsen, baby Aria &
daughter Jenna
Mauricio Gallego & Ericka Solis,
son Gabriel
Steven & Jana Helms,
daughter Kaylie
Steven Jolton & Chelsea Behrens,
son Finley
Walter Kalaidjian & Patricia Cahill,
son Aedan
Paul & Erin Krellwitz,
daughter Maya Anne
Victor & Jennifer Ortado, daughter Sydney
Carol & Eric Pelletier, daughter Eva
Kara Perry, son Isaac & daughter Malia
Charles & Diane Lakey,
son Connor
Anthony & Ann Marmo,
daughter Lucy
Scott & Joyce Miller,
son Dane
Keith & Carlie Parrell,
daughter Grace
Christine & Keyvan Peymani. son Deven
Mikio Sakai & John Johnson, daughter Lily
Kevin & Jocelyn Pease,
daughter Lillian Isabelle
Daniel & Kimberly Stephenson,
daughter Scarlett
Woody & Michelle Woods,
son Camden
Jason Wurmser & April Fields,
son Gavi
Tiza & Tom Thompson, daughter Caylie
1
Wendy & Cody Tindall,
daughter Karollanne
Tom & Julie Trafecanty, son Nathan
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
blog
AdoptionHelp.Org/Blog
Do you wish there was more quality
information on Open Adoption
available on the web? Well now
there is with IAC’s first ever blog —
publishing compelling articles that offer valuable and accurate
information on Open Adoption today.
Stay connected! Keep tabs on the latest open adoption
news by following us on Twitter or becoming our fan on
Facebook, where we announce new blog posts.
Join the conversation! You can participate in three
ways: (1) Comment on our posts to express your point of view
or raise a question (2) Share our blog posts on your social
networks or other blogs (3) Contribute your own post.
Not sure what a blog is? Watch this three minute video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NN2I1pWXjXI
The IAC egroup forums will continue to be a private
environment where IAC families can chat and support each
other. The blog is a way for the IAC to communicate with IAC
clients and the public.
IAC’s Annual
Summer Picnics
Get your party hats on; it’s almost picnic
time! Every year the IAC staff and clients
look forward to this day of fun in the sun.
What better place to meet new friends who
share a connection through open adoption.
Come join us for the biggest IAC event of
the year. Birthparents more than welcome!
S av e t h e D at e :
Atlanta, GA ~ Saturday, May 15, 2010
Los Angeles, CA ~ Sunday, June 6, 2010
Raleigh, NC ~ Saturday, June 12, 2010
Indianapolis, IN ~ Sunday, June 13, 2010
Pleasant Hill, CA ~ Saturday, June 19, 2010
IAC Granted License in Texas
On February 16, 2010 IAC was granted a license to operate in
Texas. This expansion was part of IAC’s strategic plan. Texas
was chosen for two reasons. First, it the most populous state
after California and hence has the second largest number of
birthparents. The second reason is that Texas agencies were
prohibitively expensive for our families to work with. Texas is
now an IAC state.
San Francisco Gay Pride Parade
San Francisco LGBT Pride Parade is just around the corner,
and the Independent Adoption Center is happy to be a part of
their 40th anniversary celebration.
The parade takes place on Sunday, June 27th, 2010, and we are
currently recruiting families to ride in our cable car. If you
are interested in participating please email Sarah at sbryson@
adoptionhelp.org. All IAC families are welcome, as well as
birthparents. Bring the entire family!
Saving the Environment
& Saving Money
IAC is making an effort to be environmentally friendly,
so in 2010 invitations will be sent via email ONLY. Many
IAC families have also opted to receive the e-issue of
Open Adoption to support this cause. If you’d like to
receive Open Adoption via email instead of by mail, and/
or if you are not receiving IAC’s emails*, be sure to get in
touch with Sarah at sbryson@adoptionhelp.org.
*Emails to clients are sent via Vertical Response, a popular
email marketing software. If a recipient hits the unsubscribe
link in an email, the software automatically blocks their
email address from any future emails. The only way for the
recipient to get back on the list is to contact Sarah via email.
Social Media Update
As we continue to grow our web presence through social
media we greatly appreciate the support and participation of
our clients. Our most popular social media platform to date
is Facebook with over 1,400 fans! Please consider joining our
YouTube network, the third most visited site on the web, and
following us on Twitter, the fastest growing form of social
media. This effort is mutually beneficial because it is a very
effective way of marketing the IAC, as well as your own
adoption. Find us today at ➜
where to find us:
http://twitter.com/IACAdoptionHelp
http://twitter.com/AdoptionLove
http://www.youtube.com/IACIAC33
http://www.youtube.com/IHeartAdoption
http://www.facebook.com/AdoptionHelp
http://www.facebook.com/IHeartAdoption
http://www.facebook.com/AdoptionDiaries
2
THE
Legacy
OUR STORY
of
Open Adoption
IAC’s Executive Director Ann Wrixon recounts her quest to open her
daughter’s adoption. An adoptive mother in a transracial adoption,
By Ann Wrixon
Ann’s approach to raising her daughter is with a focus on honesty
and openness. Providing her daughter with information about her
racial, ethnic and cultural background proved a daunting challenge
in a closed adoption with limited background information. This was
one of the many reasons Ann felt an urgency to find her daughter’s
birthfamily. She believes open adoption has the power to address
all her daughter’s questions, including those related to her racial/
ethnic identity. –Editor
My
daughter was six weeks old
when placed in my arms by
her third foster mother. Her birthmother
had voluntarily relinquished her to the
County Department of Social Services
(DSS), but DSS had not made any
adoption plan for this beautiful baby.
her birthmother would be an easy
task. After all, I accidently discovered
my daughter’s birth name, and was
able to quickly locate her original
birth certificate listing the name of
her birthmother. Little did I know the
arduous and painful journey ahead.
The county provided us with basic
information about our daughter’s
birthmother, including her height,
weight, hair color, and religion. They
also told us she was of Persian descent.
There was no medical information
at all. Fortunately, my daughter was
healthy, remarkably so, but I quickly
found out that having no medical
information meant that every visit to
the doctor was an ordeal frequently
resulting in unnecessary and painful
tests. I would often weep holding my
screaming daughter as she endured
these procedures.
I had spent eleven and half years
searching for my daughter’s
birthmother. My daughter was growing
up and not only did I not have any
medical information for her I also could
not answer her very poignant questions
about her adoption.
I quickly resolved to find her birth
family. I needed to know medical
information, and I thought finding
3
I continued to search. I often spent
evenings and weekends scouring the
web, and I continued to consult with
various private detectives. Late one
night I lay in bed obsessively going over
in my head all the clues I had gathered
about where my daughter’s birthmother
might be. One hunch, in particular, kept
recurring. Finally, at 2 am I leapt out
of bed and rushed to the computer. I
checked one more fact, and then it hit
me. I knew exactly where she was.
I could barely catch my breath watching
the clock, willing time to go faster so I
could rush to the address where I was
certain I would find her. Of course, all
sorts of things intervened to delay my
progress. I dropped my daughter off at
a birthday party reminding her I would
pick her up in a few hours for her piano
recital. Finally, I was free to pursue my
hunch driving swiftly to the house I
believed would end my search.
I breathed deeply and knocked. She
opened the door, and I knew immediately
I had found her. She was beautiful,
perhaps one of the most beautiful people
I had ever met in person.
She looked at me quizzically, “Yes?”
“Do you have a daughter?” I tentatively
asked.
“Yes, a long time ago.”
“Who you placed for adoption?”
She stepped out of the house and closed
the door behind her. “I know who you
are. I have been looking for you too.”
I start to weep. “Do you want to see
pictures of your daughter?” She smiled
and nodded. We talk. I am not sure
what I said or even how she responded. I
cannot stop crying and telling her how
happy I am to have finally found her. I
know she is kind to me. We exchange
email and phone numbers, and agree to
meet again with the daughter we share.
Finally, the day arrives when the
three of us are to meet. My daughter’s
OUR STORY
birthmother tells her she loves her
and always has. She tells her about
her birthfather, and then she tells
my daughter why she placed her for
adoption. I can see my daughter visibly
lighten, later she will tell me, “It all
makes sense now. She made the right
decision. I understand she placed me for
adoption because she loved me.” I smile.
To p 10 T h i n g s to K n ow:
Transracial Adoptive Parenting
A collaborative effort by the IAC Counseling Department
Perhaps the most startling news,
however, is the revelation that my
daughter is not Persian at all. Her
birthmother, confused, explains to my
daughter her true racial and ethnic
identity. My daughter shakes her head,
“Okay. I guess most people don’t get to
change their entire race and ethnic
background when they are twelve,” but I
can tell she is relieved to know the truth.
My daughter met her birthmother for
the first time shortly after her twelfth
birthday. Her birthmother is a kind,
wonderful woman, who has allowed
us to be part of her life in ways I never
would have dreamed. She has provided
my daughter/her birth daughter with the
gift of knowing that her adoption was
truly done out of love. She also gave her
the correct information about her racial
and ethnic identity.
This search has transformed all our
lives, but mine more than anyone’s. This
search made me increasingly committed
to open adoption and to spreading the
message of why it is important. As a
result, almost four years ago I switched
careers so I could run the Independent
Adoption Center, a pioneer in open
adoption. Fortunately, the families at
the IAC never have to search for their
child’s birth parents, and they will
always know the correct racial and
ethnic identity of their children. Each
child will grow up knowing that their
adoption was done out of love because
both their adoptive and birth parents
will tell them so. This love is the legacy
of open adoption.
ONE. Healthy identity, built on
acknowledging and affirming all aspects of
a child’s identity, including his or her racial
and/or ethnic background, is important.
TWO. Many parents think that because
they themselves are not prejudiced,
prejudice will not affect their child. This is
ethnic background are positive for the selfesteem of the child too.
SEVEN. It is very important for adoptive
parents to become comfortable with
discussing the subject of race/ethnicity
before the child faces injury by a racist
comment or action.
not true.
EIGHT. When dealing with racism,
THREE. Living in a community where
assure your child that it is not their fault and
direct the attention to the individual causing
people of your child’s racial/ethnic group
also live can be beneficial to his/her
the injury.
development.
NINE. If your child is from multiple racial/
FOUR. Visiting the home country of a
ethnic backgrounds, it is very important
to honor these backgrounds equally
regardless of the degree to which they are
physically or biologically present in your
child. A child’s multiple heritages will be
equal in her/his eyes.
child’s ethnic ancestry and engaging in
some cultural activities of that country can
make a child feel more comfortable with
their own unique heritage.
FIVE. Interacting with children of the
same race/ethnicity and having samerace adult role models for a family to turn
to can aid a family in fostering a healthy
multicultural environment.
TEN. Becoming a mutiracial/multicultural
family is easier when a child respects and
celebrates all cultures of the world; it is
about education and awareness.
SIX. Books, toys and household decorations that positively reflect a child’s racial/
Read more about Ann’s family on our blog!
4
FEATURE
A Brief History of
Transracial Adoption
By Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer, PhD, MSW
Transracial adoption (TRA) is the act of placing a child of
one ethnicity with adoptive parents of a different ethnicity.
The history of domestic TRA traces back to the end of
slavery, which resulted in large numbers of homeless
African American children. Many of these children were
institutionalized in facilities run by both the African American
and White communities. There were many factors that led
to the overrepresentation of African American children in
the child welfare system as it developed in the 1950s. These
included African American migration to impoverished
northern inner cities, and the fact that fewer poor White
children were removed from their homes. This historical path
demonstrates how having a high number of minority children
in foster care situations led to the need for TRA, since there
were not enough minority families available for these children.
There has been growth in TRA of infants through private
agencies and independent adoption practices, as well. Other
Those who oppose it say:
5
factors that contributed to this growth were the changing
societal attitudes in the 1960’s and a biracial baby boom
around the same period of time. These new attitudes were
associated with a significant increase in contraceptive
use, abortions and a decreased stigma coupled with single
parenting. These practices led to the decreased availability of
healthy, White infants for the predominantly white couples
who were seeking to adopt. Many of these couples had the
preference for parenting an infant, of any ethnic origin, as
opposed to the adoption of an older child.
Another way that our society has seen the growth of TRA is
through the escalation of international adoption practices.
Many refugee children became available in the aftermath
of war. World War II led to the availability of orphans from
Germany, Italy and Greece, as well as Japan. The Korean and
Vietnam Wars brought many refugees from Korea, Japan,
China and Vietnam to U.S. families. Even the end of the Cold
War contributed to the availability of children for adoption
from Eastern European countries, including the former
Soviet Union. International adoption has grown steadily since
the 1980’s, although the full implementation of the Hague
Convention on Child Trafficking in 2009 has slowed this trend
Those who support it say:
Children do not learn to fend off racial assaults.
It is a misleading generalization to say that only same-race parents
can teach a child to deal with racism.
TRA parents cannot discern, in individual encounters with racist
attitudes or expressions, the appropriateness of fighting back or
submitting.
Whatever one’s skin color or heritage, most people have exposure
to some form of prejudice and will most likely have experience
learning how to cope.
White parents will not emphasize Black strength and worth
as a countermeasure to prejudicial encounters. Furthermore,
White parents cannot teach Black children how to deal with
societal prejudices they may encounter regarding advancement
opportunities in education and employment.
These arguments hinge on the assumption that a person cannot
know how to teach a child to adapt to racism or prejudice unless
they have been on the receiving end of it. There is little evidence
that this assumption is true. A parent’s education and sensitivity
to prejudice, race, and racism may correlate with her/his ability to
teach a child how to deal with those issues.
Transracial adoptees will fail to identify with their ethnic community
and will be a lost resource for that community.
Transracial adoptees do grow up with a sense of ethnic and racial
identity and achieve acceptance in their respective communities.
In order for a child to meet his/her psychological development
needs and develop a healthy racial, ethnic & cultural identity, samerace parents must raise him or her.
Numerous studies show that transracially adopted children are able
to develop positive self-esteem and a sense of racial identity. These
studies show that transracially adopted children are able to feel
as good about themselves and their race as children in same-race
placements, and even feel as positively as children raised by their
biological parents.
TRA is a practice that will eventually lead to the deterioration, and
possible extinction, of a racial/ethnic culture in society.
The number of transracial adoptions is far too small to have such
far-reaching effects.
FEATURE
recently. Most international adoptions are transracial. Even
though many people may not view adoptions from Eastern
European countries as TRAs, the fact of the matter is that the
child is removed from their culture of origin.
Synonymous with the growth of TRA in the US is a longstanding controversy about this topic among professionals,
adoptive parents, adult adoptees and other individuals. This
is disagreement as to what constitutes the best interest of the
child. The research shows that transracial adoptees experience
the same degree of bonding with parents as same-race
adoptees and also the same as biological children do with their
parents. Studies have also provided overwhelming evidence
that transracial adoptees have the same chance as any other
child to develop a strong cultural identity and good self-esteem.
The Independent Adoption Center is a proponent of transracial adoption. The IAC believes, however, that adoptive
families considering TRA must work to educate themselves
and their families on what it means to become multiracial and/
or multicultural. There is a wealth of information available
to TRA families, as well as numerous support groups across
the country. Other than from the IAC, the best resources on
Transracial adoption are from PACT: An Adoption Alliance.
Those who oppose it say:
Visit them online at http://www.pactadopt.org/. Guylaine’s full
research paper along with citation details can be found at:
adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/research.html
The IAC is currently working on an online training course for
adoptive families on TRA. Further details will be available
when the project is complete.
Transracial Adoption
The Controversy
Historically, the most heated controversy over transracial
adoption (TRA) in the U.S. is about White families adopting
African American children. Therefore, though the following
arguments loosely apply to all ethncities, they specifically
pertain to the controversy regarding the transracial adoption
of African American children by White parents. - Editor
Those who support it say:
Same-race adoptees have the ability to hide the fact that they are
adopted and therefore can avoid the social stigma associated with
adoption while transracial adoptees cannot.
Facing the social stigma (if any exists) associated with adoption is
psychologically beneficial to the adoptee. Furthermore, the TRA will
have a positive psychological effect because the child will not feel
pressured to try to pass as the biological child of her/his adopted
parents. Denial of one’s adoption status can cause psychological
damage.
TRA perpetuates the negative stereotypes of certain ethnic groups
being inept to parent.
Providing a child with a loving home does not imply that any group is
inept to parent.
TRA harms the adoptive parents because people will likely be hostile, intrusive and prejudicial toward them.
Although adoptive parents of TRA do experience negativity from
others, TRA is actually a benefit to the adoptive parents because
the majority of families who choose TRA have prepared themselves
through training and education to handle comments, questions or
situations regarding ethnic differences and adoption.
Transracial adoptees are less likely to bond well with White parents
because of their lack of biological relativity.
According to TRA studies, children who have been adopted
transracially bond just as well with their parents as White children
placed with White parents, Black children placed with Black
parents, and biological children living with their birth parents.
This information taken from the following source: Morrison, Andrew. (2004), Transracial adoption: The pros and cons and the parents’ perspective, Harvard BlackLetter Law Journal, 20, 164-202.
Retrieved from: http://www.openj-gate.com/Search/SearchResults.aspx?SearchTerm=Transracial adoption&Field=All&res=10&type=0&sub=All&update=None&from=-1&to=2011&pr=2
6
FIN D IN G T H E
Happiest
FEATURE
Placeon Earth
our journey
t o m u lt i c u lt u r al i s m
by Lane Mashal, MSW
My
husband Steven and I met through mutual
family friends and married in 1997 at our
San Francisco synagogue. By 1999, we were exploring
avenues for adoption. Like many IAC families, we
investigated County adoption, international adoption,
surrogacy, attorneys and agencies. We were most
interested in County adoption as the need was
greatest there. However, we decided to go through an
agency so that we could adopt an infant before we
got “too old.” We found out about the IAC through
a Maybe Baby meeting, where we met another gay
couple that had just adopted a baby girl through the
IAC–thank you Davidson and Thomas!
We attended the Information Session in June 1999 and
knew that this was everything we wanted in an agency–the
only agency that treated us as equals among potential
adoptive parents. We wanted openness and loved the
warmth and support offered to birthparents and adoptive
families. In particular, we noted how many agencies
and attorneys were not respectful of birthparents, spoke
of them in a patronizing manner and referred to them
in a way that made it feel like they were vessels for
adoptive parents. We wanted an agency that understood
birthparents’ difficult choices and used counseling as
an essential element to fostering an open relationship
between all parties. We signed up immediately and by
November, we were “in the books.”
Our decision to adopt transracially was a gradual one.
While we were both open to any ethnicity, Steven was
more fearful about handling the challenges involved. I felt
we had the skills and knowledge to adopt transracially,
but we both needed to be ready. Steven used to say to me,
“Will our Black child want to bring his Black friends home
to meet his two White Jewish daddies?” So, our profile was
submitted as “Caucasian only” to start.
7
We averaged a contact a month, but no matches resulted.
We discussed opening up more. Finally, when attending
one of our many support groups, a Caucasian family who
had also been attending regularly, showed up one month
with their new baby, who was African American. There
in front of us was this happy family, and we saw how it
could be for us. In our search for what would work for
our family, we asked African American women and men
around us, often strangers, what they would think if we
adopted an African American child. We wanted to know if
the African American community would accept our child.
Then, we presented the news to my parents. They worried
about the discrimination that their grandchild would
encounter due to anti-Semitism, homophobia and racism,
but offered their full support and would be our fiercest
advocates. Though, they still worried – as did we.
We started to get contacts from Black women and were
surprised that some actually liked us because we were
Jewish. Many asked what we knew about raising Black
children in our society. We responded that it would be a
learning experience, but we understood the support that
our child would need through education, peers and role
models. We also pointed out the fact that we both have
spent our whole lives in two minority groups and know
what it is like to encounter discrimination, ignorance
FEATURE
child who stood out. The only other people of color in our
community were nannies for some of the children. While
we encountered nothing negative in our time living there,
clearly Yoni was the token child of color in town -- and
we were the only gay parents. So we decided to find a
community where diversity was part of the fabric of the
neighborhood and schools.
and hatred. We were confident about our abilities to be
proactive in helping our child to learn how to educate,
rather than get angry. We matched with an African
American birthmother in the Bronx who was widowed
during her pregnancy (with 4 boys). Her 13-year-old
son picked us out of the letter packet that they got.
Unfortunately, she decided to parent when she gave birth
to a girl. We tearfully returned the winter clothes we had
bought shortly thereafter.
Since moving to our current neighborhood (only a few
miles away), the schools are like little United Nations
communities, where each ethnicity is celebrated and taken
for granted, rather than an oddity. Yoni and Shai (our
younger son) are known by their names, not by the color of
their skin. The diversity of our social
network has expanded so that our
children have African American
and Hispanic peers and adult role
models. This grew naturally as we
befriended other families in our
community. The children make
friends, have play-dates and the
adults become friends as well. For
those of you who do not yet have
children, you’ll see how much
of your life as a parent revolves
around school and extracurricular
On March 5th, 2001, while I was working as a Special
Ed Teacher’s Aide just finishing up recess, I was paged
to the school office. An IAC Open Adoption Counselor,
Colby, was on the phone and asked, “Do you want
a baby?” My heart raced and
of course, I said yes! She told
me all about the baby and
said we should come to the
hospital in an hour and pick
up our baby son. We were told
that the birthmother did not
want to meet us, but Colby
said she’d try to convince
They feel that they are just one part
of their diverse world and not the only
representatives of an alien culture.
her otherwise. When we got to the hospital, the baby’s
birthmom did agree to meet us. We talked for only about
a half an hour as she was soon to be discharged. She was
shy. She told us that she had named the baby Jonathan
Israel, the same names we had picked out in the car on the
way to the hospital. This remains a goose-bump memory
to this day. Our son’s birthmom was African American
and the unknown birthfather was Hispanic. Unfortunately,
we have never had contact with Yoni’s birthmom again.
This began our journey as a multiracial family, with no
connection to our son’s birthfamily or heritage.
Before Yoni was born, we had bought a home walking
distance from Steven’s office. We pondered what our
predominantly White community would be like with a
activities of your children, and their friends’ families
become the core of your social network. While adults can
drive wherever they want and socialize with whomever they
choose, your children’s world is limited to those people in
their neighborhood or school that you choose. Our choices
have been essential to our children’s development. They feel
that they are just one part of their diverse world and not the
only representatives of an alien culture.
As you will learn during your adoption process, there
are many coincidences and things that you realize were
somehow meant to happen. When we signed our 2nd
adoption contract, we realized it was March 5th, 2004,
exactly 3 years since we brought Yoni home from the
hospital. Colby, who we had never met before that first
Last Minute Hospital placement, was now our Adoption
Coordinator. We wanted to ensure that our next child was of
an ethnicity different from ours so that Yoni would not be
the only child who didn’t look like his daddies. Our profile
now read “open to any ethnicity except full Caucasian.”
8
FEATURE
We received a call from birthparents the first day our
website went live. They were both Caucasian graduate
students. We turned them down and reflected on how
our perspective had changed in five years. We wondered,
as do all waiting parents, if this would be the only call
we would ever get. Of course we got other contacts and
matched/unmatched with a birthmother who turned
out to be a scam. As it turned out, we got several calls
from birthparents of various ethnicities (including
Caucasian birthparents) who were all interested in us
because they saw we were already raising a biracial
child and felt that they wanted their child to be raised
in a diverse and tolerant
environment.
Many things change when
you adopt a second child.
Of course, our “only” child
was now a big brother.
Our son’s identity, who
others saw as “mixed” or
“biracial” before Shai came
along, became African
American because of his
If only my mother were still alive
to see her African American/
Hispanic grandson reciting the
Sabbath prayers and singing in
the synagogue choir.
new brother, whose features were more
typically African American. To this day,
we often hear how “they could have been
biological brothers.” We always marvel
at this as they have distinctly different features. Is it
that White people cannot see the distinct difference in
people of color? Is it the general feeling from others that
adoptive parents want to hear this to make them feel
better, as they can’t say that the children look like us? I
point this out because your family becomes to some extent
what people perceive you to be. This is something that
President Obama has written about. Though he is biracial
and was raised primarily by his Caucasian mother and
grandparents, he was perceived as black and that became
his identity.
9
Our post-placement adoption story with Shai is the
extreme opposite of what it was with Yoni. Shai’s
birthmother lives 20 minutes from us, as do his
grandmother and great grandmother. We see them
frequently, usually once every month or two. Shai will
always know them, and they have the joy of watching
him grow. They have
truly become part of our
extended family. This
has also been a benefit to
Yoni as his birthmother’s
story was not dissimilar
to Shai’s. We have had
talks with Yoni about why
his birthmother chose to
place him with us. She
was 19, with no high school
degree, living with her
grandmother. She wanted
a better life for him and to
be able to finish school. It
has been difficult for Yoni
to understand why his
birthmother has not been in
contact with us. Fortunately,
the connection with Shai’s
birthfamily gives him a tie to
his heritage and the chance to
know another birthmother.
We have found that there is no one place to
live, nor group to join, which can satisfy the
needs of our children (or any children!), but
giving them options and providing them with
guidance will help them build self-esteem
and a healthy identity. We have joined many
organizations, such as PACT (a multiracial
adoption group—see: http://www.pactadopt.
org), the Jewish Multiracial Network (who
knew?), the South Bay Adoption Group, South Bay
Families Together, and PopLuck Club, these last two for
families with gay parents. Our children go to religious
school at our synagogue to embrace our Jewish religion
and culture. Who could have predicted 10 years ago
that my son’s Christian, African American birthmother,
grandmother and great grandmother would be guests at
our yearly Passover Seders? If only my mother were still
alive to see her African American/Hispanic grandson
reciting the Sabbath prayers and singing in the synagogue
choir. This is just part of the richness that diversity brings
to our lives and the lives of those around us.
STAFF PROFILE
Realizing a Dream
a n i n te r v i ew w i th i ac ’ s o w n
Aside from being multiracial and
multicultural, what makes your family
who you are?
We are much like any other family. We are
always going places, love to travel around
the country and to visit family in Israel. We
go to science museums everywhere and
model train shows are a must do! Shai (age
4) is an independent, creative and musical
child. He can often be found strumming
his guitar, singing a song he learned in
preschool or one he’s made up himself. He
is currently taking ice skating lessons. And,
he loves trains! Yoni (age 9) is a bright 3rd
grader, whose passion is electronic games.
He’s mastering Wii games, and his thumbs
fly on his Nintendo DS. We’ll have to get our
thumbs exercised because he’ll be a texting
maniac. He is a great reader and loves
trains! He will be going to sleepover camp
this summer for the first time.
Steven is an attorney, specializing in
intellectual property, technology and
telecommunications. As he has been
“in transition” for the past year, he is
looking forward to his next opportunity.
Steven and I are both the youngest of
three siblings. He spent his early days
in Schenectady, NY and was raised in
San Jose, CA. I spent my first 30 years
in Brooklyn, NY and then 11 years in
San Francisco, before relocating to Los
Angeles in 1997. And now, I’m an Adoption
Coordinator at the IAC.
What kinds of things do you and Steven
do to help the boys understand and
identify with their cultural heritage?
We read a lot of books with our children.
From “The Family Book” to “The Colors of
Us” to books about accomplished African
American and Hispanic men and women.
We offer them positive role models and
discussion. We are honest about prejudice
and racism and how some others see them
Lane Mashal, MSW
as different because of the color of their
skin. We stop to watch documentaries
about the Civil Rights era in the 60’s. At
Passover, we don’t just talk about slavery
in ancient Egypt but recognize the slavery
and oppression of many peoples and our
yearning for it to come to an end now and
in the future. We are also very actively
involved in any school assignments and
projects involving cultural heritage.
What advice do you have for families
considering transracial adoption?
First, if you don’t want to be noticed, do
not adopt transracially. We are always
noticed, stared at, and questioned. If you
are like us — outgoing, like to speak with
others, educators at heart, you’ll have no
problem.
Second, most discussions
actually have nothing to
do with race or ethnicity.
They are simply about
adoption, as we are a
visible adoptive family.
Answer questions
sensitively and do so
deliberately in front of
your children when
possible. This will be a
model for them to learn
how to answer questions
when you are not there.
This also instructs
children to view the
questions, not as insults,
but as opportunities for
people to get to know them.
children are interested. Of course, we bring
latkes, chocolate coins and dreidls too!
Great advice. Shifting gears a bit, could
you tell everyone more about yourself?
What are some “Fun Facts” about Lane?
I have over 100 CDs. I sold my 500 LPs
after our last move...I have sung in several
choirs and played classical piano for many
years. I attended (and never finished)
Rabbinic School, Nursing School and
Surgical Tech Schools. I have been a
financial analyst, systems manager and
religious school teacher. My favorite ice
cream is mint chocolate chip, but I don’t
get to enjoy it much anymore as I am
diabetic and lactose intolerant. I have
run in three marathons and raised over
$15,000 for AIDS Project LA.
I hear you have a special
place in your heart for
Disneyland. Could you
elaborate?
Well Steve is a rabid Disney
fan and has infected
the rest of us. We use
our annual passes to
Disneyland at least once
or twice a month. We even
have annual passes to Walt
Disney World in Orlando.
Any hopes and dreams?
I always wanted to be
a dad. Being a stay-athome
dad was realizing a
In Disney attire at Walt Disney World
dream. I left rabbinic school
to adopt and become a parent. It says
volumes for the IAC that I could be coaxed
Third, be proud of who you are and don’t
out of retirement to return to work. I can
shy away from settings where you may
think of nothing better than helping other
be the “only ones.” For example, we go
families to realize their dreams of being
to our son’s classroom each year to do a
parents or expanding their families.
presentation about Chanukah. This means
a great deal to Yoni, who is proud that his
Dads come to his classroom and that the
10
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Birthparent Activity
Birthparent Statistics Online:
We post birthparent statistics on our website
by the third week of the month. You can see
them at:
www.adoptionhelp.org/bpstats.html
A monthly reminder will be posted on our
adoption forum located at:
www.adoptionforumonline.com/
Registration for the IAC’s forum is free for all
IAC’s clients.
*Saved Families Email Requests reflects the
number of email requests made from our
Choose A Family webpage
*Saved Families Email Requests
Birthparent Referral Sources
Adoption Keepsakes
Make a memory, enrich a life, tell your story.
Create a keepsake of your own by including your story in Open Adoption. At the moment we are particularly interested
in articles about older children, but all stories are welcome. Please begin by sending us a photo and short paragraph
about your child. We are always open to your ideas and suggestions for future topics or themes.
Send submissions to Sarah Bryson at sbryson@adoptionhelp.org.
11
Adoptive Parent Support Groups
April / May / June 2010
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
Pleasant Hill Support Group
MIDWEST
Midwest Support Group
April 8, May 13, June 10
2nd Thursday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Pleasant Hill Office
391 Taylor Blvd, Suite 100, Pleasant Hill
Kerrin Tomek, MSW, Adoption Coordinator
April 17, May 29, June 26
Last Saturday of each month, except April
1:00 pm–2:30 pm EST
Indiana Office
5162 E Stop 11 Rd., Suite 1, Indianapolis
RSVP: (317) 887-2015 if you plan to attend
South Bay / Peninsula Support Group
SOUTHEAST
North Carolina Support Group
April 15, May 13, June 10
2nd Thursday of each month, except April
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Christ the Good Shepherd Church
1550 Meridian Avenue, San Jose, CA 95125
Karen Tirlia, MSW, Adoption Coordinator
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
Los Angeles County Support Group
April 20, May 18, June 15
3rd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Encino Hospital – 16237 Ventura Blvd.
(Between Haskell & Havenhurst,
on the first floor in the Encino classroom)
Jennifer Bliss, PsyD, MSW, LCSW, Branch Co-Director
Orange County Support Group
April 12, May 10, June 14
2nd Monday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
First Presbyterian Church: 310 West Broadway, Anaheim
One mile north of the I-5 freeway & Disneyland off Harbor Blvd.
Kathleen Warschefsky, MSSW, Open Adoption Counselor
April 13, May 11, June 8
2nd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm EST
North Carolina Office
184 Wind Chime Court, Suite 101, Raleigh
RSVP: Libby Foster at (919) 676-6288 if you plan to attend
Georgia Support Group
April 13, May 11, June 8
2nd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm EST
Georgia Office
3774 Lavista Rd., Suite 100, Tucker
Hailey Phillips, MSW, Open Adoption Counselor and
Amber Burfeind, LMSW, Branch Director/Adoption Coordinator
RSVP: (404) 321-6900 if you plan to attend
Other Important Dates
May 31 {Memorial Day} All IAC offices closed
June 27 San Francisco LGBT Pride Parade
IAC Annual Picnics
Atlanta, GA ~ Saturday, May 15, 2010
Los Angeles, CA ~ Sunday, June 6, 2010
San Diego County Support Group
Raleigh, NC ~ Saturday, June 12, 2010
April 13, May 11, June 8
2nd Tuesday of each month
7:00 pm–8:30 pm PST
Private residence in El Cajon
Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer, PhD, MSW,
Branch Co-Director/Adoption Coordinator
Indianapolis, IN ~ Sunday, June 13, 2010
Pleasant Hill, CA ~ Saturday, June 19, 2010
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Open Adoption Creates Families
NONPROFIT ORG.
San Francisco Bay Area Office
391 Taylor Boulevard, Suite 100
Pleasant Hill, CA 94523
PERMIT NO. 118
800-877-OPEN (6736)
1
U.S. POSTAGE PAID
CONCORD, CA
www.adoptionhelp.org