The 432 - UBC Library - University of British Columbia

VOLUME EIGHTEEN ISSUE FOUR
26th OCTOBER 2004
In this issue:
Drunkard Taxonomy
Krispy Kremes
Ethanol
and so much more...
“When it’s time, I want to die like my grandma - peacefully in her sleep. Not like the passengers in her car.”
-Unknown
UBC hires army of protocol droids to serve
as diplomats
New “learning initiative” expected to raise standards, tuition
n yet another flagrant display of fiscal
(ir)responsibility, the University of
British Columbia announced today that
it plans to spend several million dollars
over the next several years, financing a
small army of robots. The move was cited
as part of a plan to improve the overall
educational experience.
I
"As UBC becomes more culturally
diverse, we're finding that people misinterpret hand gestures that mean something
positive in another culture," said Aaron
McGraw, of LucasArts' automaton production facility. A deal is underway with
George to purchase any remaining protocol droids featured in the (count them) six
Star Wars movies. "We're refurbishing the
old droids and selling them at bargain
prices. They will serve as universal translators of hand gestures and languages. This
way, anyone who suspects they've been
publicly defaced can get confirmation from
a droid before they beat the living sh*t out
of the offending person," laughed
McGraw.
Dr. Piper's reaction was enthusiastic.
"Any droid certified by George Lucas is a
welcome member to this campus," she was
quoted to say. "We're buying the old film
extras because they were hardly shot at or
otherwise affected. We do not need to
spend truck-loads of funds for brand new
droids. Plus, they will be enforcing UBC's
high standards of safety, while remaining
as unarmed mediators." When asked
whether the legendary C-3PO would be
joining the troupe, she shook her head vigorously and broke down in tears. "He
would have been good company for Bort,"
she sobbed.
McGraw gave The 432 a sneak peek at scenarios that the droids are said to be train-
ing for (closed doors, sadly). Their entire
firmware is being downgraded to handle
21st century humans, which reduces their
cost further. McGraw merely shrugged
and said, "The droids will not have to
'learn' the gestures of other species just yet.
We estimate that their current firmware
revision should take them through about
two hundred more years."
We also expressed our concern with the
accent and intonation of the droid-speech,
and McGraw assured us that they would
not be as irritating as Threepio's. "The only
thing we're using C-3PO for is for his
absolute mastery of social skills and situation handling. He's trained in clinical psychology, and the other droids will benefit
from this training when they apply it to
pithy humans." After this, McGraw broke
into deep, uncontrollable Sith-esque laughter. We were unable to continue with the
interview, but we received insight from
other LucasArts representatives. Here's a
gist of what we've learnt:
* UBC is receiving three hundred protocol
droids and ten dispatcher droids to handle
the task allocation. SUS is paying for every
droid.
* The East penthouse on the fifth floor of
Hennings will serve as the Command Centre.
* The droids will assist with Safewalk, at
which time, contrary to Dr. Piper's initial
thoughts, they WILL be armed lightly, possibly with water guns and bad jokes.
* Five droids will be assigned to Place
Vanier for constant duty, where they will
constantly patrol the cafeteria and take
over any empty seating space.
* Ten droids will be assigned to Totem
Park, where they will mediate and dance
during parties, aside from their usual
duties.
* Droids may be called upon as demonstration tools during lectures.
* When the PRS remote controls fail,
droids will be on hand to interface with
them and MAKE them work. If this also
fails, droids will become PRS remotes for
the duration of the lecture.
* Administration also has plans to actually use teaching evaluations in compiling s
a “buddy system” to pair up droids with
faculty and TAs who have particularly low
ratings in their “Communicates effectively
in English” category.
All these plans seem elaborate and somewhat useless. The initial plan was to prevent misinterpretation of hand gestures.
McGraw had a quick answer, "Yes, but
when these droids are so powerful, we
decided to give them some extra juice so
they could be used in other useful situations." What did the students think?
Wong Chu from the Philosophy department disagreed vehemently. "When we
receive a hand gesture, it is up to us to
interpret it and ask ourselves, what does it
mean? Rather than taking our anger out on
the gesture-initiator, we must become one
with them, and feel what they are feeling..." The 432 ended the interview there.
Jonathan
Lam, SUS
Director of
Publications, was
thrilled at
the
idea.
"Finally
I
have little
minions to
d e l i v e r
these papers
"Degrassi Knoll" to be pitched to CBC
New plan saves Knoll, not dignity
n the midst of public outcry over the proposeddestruction of the beloved “Grassy
Knoll,” University of British Columbia
Administration unveiled yesterday its joint venture with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to beging filming a new teen-based drama,
set to air sometime next fall.
I
Said UBC Administration, "After getting really
stoned one night, we couldn't help but love the
idea of another Degrassi High show. Then we
were talking about how people were bitching
about us tearing down the grassy knoll. That's
when we knew we had it; Martha just kept pitching back and forth, uncontrollably spasmically
laughing, saying "degrassi, the grassy! Degrassi,
the grassy!"
“We figure, if CBC will pay us eight figures,
we'll post a perimeter guard and erect a cement
wall so that their shooting can go undisturbed by
Joe Student. Everyone's happy; the CBC gets to
film another fish out of water, the students are
happy because the knoll is still there, and we're
happy because we've eradicated more green
space in exchange for cash. Oh, did I forget to
mention that to prevent erosion we'll need to
steppe it and convert any remaining grass to
astroturf? But the knoll will go on."
Several student organizations have already
voiced their criticism of the new plans, but have
been silenced by the rhetoric of the administration: “You’re either with TV or you’re against it.”
and slowly hypnotize everyone into taking
a copy… or better yet, I’ll modify a couple
into battle droids and force everyone to
read the 432!"
The Faculty of Engineering was most
pleased with the incoming shipment, simply because the students felt that, under
their tutelage and tweaking, the droids
could become useful bartenders. A
Spokesperson from the AUS indicated the
disapproval of arts students saying that the
droids were “too sciency.” The Faculty of
Commerce was generally accepting of the
idea, but made plans to ask Dr. Sauder for
more money so they could buy their own
bots.
So what happens when the droids come
in? Will it change our lives for the better, or
is this just another of George Lucas' plans
for world domination, beginning with
UBC and working eastward? Hey, in the
absolute worst case, we're receiving a lot of
very cheap, strong metal that can be used
to refurbish some dying building. In the
best case, we could be stopped by a droid
before we do something foolish to a fellow
human, get escorted home the same night
by the same droid, and dance with it all
night long before asking the droid to pour
drinks for the table. Sounds like quite the
adventure!
Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
26th October 2004
Adventures at ‘Security'
Varun Ramraj
I am le tired
veryone has their favourite story
about how they evaded the Law at
the airport. When I hear these stories, I look for motivation, motivation to
evade the Blind Woman.
E
VOLUME EIGHTEEN
ISSUE FOUR
26TH OCTOBER 2004
Why would my uncle hide his pocket
Mastermind
Jon Lam
Minesweeper, run and re-run Microsoft
Word, open Outlook, and try to connect to
MSN Messenger. I was good at
Minesweeper, at this seemed to scare the
attendant slightly. When Microsoft Word
actually opened within a day, she was
doubly sure that the laptop was some hidden link to a nether-dimension of undead
Apple employees. When Outlook started
up, her eyes popped out at the number of
emails I had in my Inbox…two (I sort
well). Here's the kick…when MSN failed
to connect (not surprisingly), she heaved a
huge sigh, and allowed me to pass…until
my USB key fell out of my pocket (why did
the detectors not beep before???!!). After
going through another similar ritual, I was
exhausted and, upon embarking, I promptly fell asleep on the aircraft.
FRANKFURT:
Nothing happened. I entered the airport,
went through security, and used the very
convenient shower services.
Slaveminds
Varun Ramraj
Dan Anderson
Laura Marshall
Stephen Notley
Chelsea Woo
Howard Choy
Jo Krack
Jon Adair
Jordana Laporte
Kiran Bisra
SUS Exec
Printed by
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
knife into the check-in baggage just seconds before the Grand Weighing at the
counter? Or why would my aunt have a
sinking feeling about those three crates of
mangoes she was carrying, and hastily
proceed to eat each one before passing
through Security? None of these stories
had any reasoning for the insane fear that
creeps up within one as he lines up behind
scary bearded men and women (interpret
at will) to pass through the Pearly Gates
(i.e. those damn metal detectors that beep
for any metal, including the iron in human
blood). The fear is irrational, and most of
the time, downright stupid, unless you
actually have something to hide. Why does
the airport instill such fear in us? Here are
some of my adventures at various airports
around the world.
HONG KONG:
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I was a baby, too young to remember, and
thus, I am repeating this story only by my
parents' account. You see, I was a good
looking kid with a full head of hair. My
long hair had to be tied into a ponytail
(aww, how cute!) so it would not interfere
with my sensitive large, expressive brown
eyes and long, curly eyelashes. The authorities at Hong Kong airport promptly pronounced me "Female" and my passport
was banished to the depths of some very
warm place for being fake, for being
forged, for having too fluffy a picture to be
a "man." Oh yeah, my mother had the single greatest response anyone in any airport
would ever hear that day. Exasperated, she
surrendered and screamed, "I can PROVE
to you ONCE and for ALL that he's a BOY.
Of course, you owe me one clean, cotton
DIAPER!" Ah, the unformed memories…
LONDON, ENGLAND:
I was haggled for not paying the right tax
on chocolates. Three cheers for Heathrow!
MUSCAT, OMAN:
The authorities assumed my tennis racquet was some new super-rifle, and I spent
fifteen minutes in a soundproof room with
a lot of mirrors (one-way, I'm sure). After
assuring them that there was nothing to
worry about, I had the urge to ask for their
autographs, since this story definitely took
the cake and I felt it needed some special
tribute. Of course, it's common knowledge
that opening your mouth to airport workers will surely get you impaled, and so I
remained silent.
Which returns me to the thought…WHY
are we so afraid to talk to these people? On
one occasion, about fifteen of us (family)
were traveling overseas for a wedding, and
we sat down to have a pep talk before we
departed. For the record, it was my first
overseas trip where I could actually do
damage by talking (by inference, I was
probably four or five). “Now, kids especially, remember, do not say aything unless
they ask you a question. When asked,
respond as often as possible in one-word
answers. Nodding or shaking your head is
far better. And most importantly, make
sure you're out of earshot before you say
things like, ‘Oh my god, we actually made
it!’ or ‘Yay, they didn't catch us for anything!’" What a sad state of affairs. The airport is the only place where free speech
leads to the back of a white Chevrolet
Impala (decidedly more souped-up, however).
The airports have smartened up. Vancouver Airport (designation: YVR, not LAX)
has one brand-new device used to counterattack the agony and fear that goes
through every passenger's mind while
waiting at Security. On one occasion, I
glanced up at the large, widescreen LCD
monitors, where I was presented with this:
"Airport Trivia! How many lights are on
the runways at Vancouver Airport?"
DO I CARE???
"5800! Each light is fitted with an industrial standard blue LED designed for optimum transmission through dense fog or
precipitation."
As I finished reading the sentence, the
metal detectors did not agree with the
strapping gentleman in front of me, and he
was pulled aside for further inquiry and
investigation… Sorry YVR, not a great
time for a trivia game! This time, I had the
cheek to tell the authority that this trivia
was dumb, and useless, and only made the
people in line more nervous. Feeling my
big moment as I was about to defy my family's advice, I stepped up to… the trolley
herder. The following is our conversation,
romanticized and linguistically altered for
reading pleasure.
"Excuse me my good fellow," I asked,
"Pray tell, why has the airport installed this
stupid trivia system?"
"Well young lad," he answered, "this airport probably figured that life was getting
too boring for the waiting passengers. This
way, they could have some fun."
"Fun, you say."
"Fun, I say."
Speechless, I walked away. Hell, I'd rather
watch golf.
LOS ANGELES:
"Please sir, open your bags at once. We
have reason to suspect that this large,
square bag may contain some article of
importance to the United States Government," said the X-Ray attendant at LAX.
Los Angeles Airport has been dubbed LAX
for a good reason. The security procedures
have the same physical effects on passengers as laxatives.
With a heavy sigh I proceeded to open my
laptop bag, turn on the laptop (thus losing
precious battery power that I would have
later used to enjoy five full episodes of
'Family Guy' on the aircraft) and go
through random actions in Windows that
decreed my laptop a 'non-bomb.' Funny, I
never knew that a laptop not connected to
the Internet could trigger some massive
chain reaction in an anonymous mine just
because I set off such a mine in
Minesweeper! This is the honest truth, I
was required to play two full rounds of
Random Black Bar
stikes again!
26th October 2004
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Much ado a-boot nothing
Laura Marshall
Undercover in California
ey, do you guys speak English up
there? This was the question posed
to me by my dinner partner,
Joseph, upon finding out that I am from
Canada.
H
Silly me, I’ve jumped to the best part of
my story, allow me to backtrack. I am a
third year UBC student, but am currently
on an EAP exchange in California. I’m
attending the University of California,
Berkeley. I live in International House,
which houses 600 Berkeley students, 50%
of which are from the United States, and
50% of which are from all other countries
in the world.
Ok, so let’s get back to Joseph. Joseph is
from San Jose, speaks with an annoying
Californian drawl, and knows absolutely
nothing about hockey. That’s as far as we
had gotten in our ten-minute conversation.
And then the fateful moment came - the
moment when he asked me where I was
from.
Well, apparently once I answered “Canada,” the last ten minutes of conversation
(in which I had been speaking perfectly
coherent, fluent English, I might add) just
flew out the window. Suddenly, I was
from ‘up there.’ I could see his eyes narrow
in suspicion as I tried to assure him that
yes, Canadians do speak English. Honestly, aren’t students from Berkeley supposed
to be smart? Finding ten minutes alone
with Joseph to be quite sufficient, I quickly
excused myself before he could accuse me
of living in an igloo or of saying ‘a-boot.’
As you can tell, I’m having a great time in
the good ole U.S. of A. Here, even taking
public transportation can be a wildly stimulating experience. For example, the other
day I had a lovely conversation with a
hobo while on the bus before class. Never
mind the fact that she thought I was from
England (because of my “strange accent”) I
actually get that all the time. Once I had
corrected her, she became noticeably excited. “Canada, huh?” she queried, “Don’t
they got free healthcare there or something?” (I wish I could attribute her poor
grammar to an innocent typo!)
Slightly taken aback, I attempted to
explain to the vagrant that, while our
healthcare was far superior to what she
was used to, it was not exactly free. “Well
what about poor people?” she fired back.
When I told her that, regrettably, poor people didn’t automatically get free healthcare, I could see her visibly deflate, all of
her plans to immigrate to Canada flying
out the window in an instant. Sensing that
she could potentially become hostile in her
dejected state, I thankfully hopped off the
bus as it approached my stop seconds
later.
Now, I don’t want to leave you with the
impression that I’m having a bad time in
California! I’m having a blast, really...well,
besides having to deal with ignorant
Americans and disillusioned bag ladies,
being accused of being English, being
asked to say ‘about’ on an almost daily
basis (I have never yet met a Canadian
who says ‘a-boot,’ where do Americans get
this stuff?), having to use ugly currency
that is all the same color, and having to
spell words like ‘color’ and ‘labor’ without
the customary Canadian u... oh and
besides the fact that I am under the rule of
Arnold Schwarzenegger and stuck in a
country where the national sport is football
and people sleep with guns under their pillows and consider Twinkies to be an
acceptable meal...
Oh yes, God Bless America, because
frankly, no one else will.
Page Three
Bestality runs wild
Chelsea Woo
Likes chicken soup
was clearly unprepared for what I
thought was going to be 50 minutes of
utter confusion in physical chemistry
304. Physical Chemistry 304 is encompassed by the innumerable partial derivatives, the infamous Boltzmann distribution
equation, and of course Maxwell equations
and state functions. However, my experience on Wednesday 13th, 2004 was undefined in the realm of physical chemistry, it
crossed the boarders into the world of bestiality.
I
I had exerted much effort in convincing
myself that attending physical chemistry
on a Wednesday morning was a logical
and intelligent choice to make. Evidently,
∆G was positive today, as I had a very hard
time dragging my ass into the classroom.
As I stammered through the over-damped
doors of chem250, I was immediately welcomed by the thick pungent smell of stale
air. I could taste the lack of ventilation in
the room. In my third year, and well conditioned to the stench, I continued walking
but I silently cursed myself for arriving 5
minutes early. I was half-heartedly greeted with looks of distress from my die-hard
biochemistry friends. Complaints of horrible midterms hung in the air, and sleep
deprivation was evidently present in their
countenances. As we sat and discussed
exams, pressure, and life, or a lack there of,
a particularly boisterous member our
group showed up. Alas, he was too late to
score himself a seat in the second row from
the front. And his lethargic friends had
accidentally forgotten to shove their bags
in an adjacent seat thus proclaiming it
"saved." After many complaints, he finally
decided to sit in the seat right in front of
me. As soon as he peeled off his "I am
UBC" sweatshirt, the back of his red Cavalier T-shirt revealed something I found to
be very shocking. Silk screened just underneath the collar of his T-shirt was a white
silhouette captioned with the words
"BEWARE WOLF RAPE." The appalling
image of a wolf raping a person bent down
on all fours is indelibly scarred into my
memory. I tried my best to advert my
attention to the blackboard. For once, I was
making a decent attempt at comprehending Boltzmanns' distribution. I wanted to
know how T=dS was related to d(lnQ + Ek)
and how thermodynamics related to statistical mechanics. Nevertheless, that wolf
was deflecting my attempts and stabbing
my concentration. It was not rape, but
murder of my concentration and focus in
that lecture. Luckily, a friend was able to
conceal the indecency for the latter part of
the lecture with some trusty masking tape.
What is the point of this seemingly meaningless anecdote you ask? Well, bestiality
and physical chemistry do not mix; they
are immiscible and it is a good idea to carry
around a roll of masking tape, just in case!
This issue of the 432 has been brought to you by...
The Letter C
C for CONTRIBUTE DAMMIT!
Please send submissions to the432@gmail.com
(Next deadline: Nov. 5, 2004)
Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
26th October 2004
Genesis: v2.0
Howard Choy
He wanted pie
sample of Adam, in the form of a rib and
made another human. This human was
unlike Adam in that she had softer features, was somewhat skinnier, had breasts,
and no penis. Adam said to God, "She's not
like me! She has no penis!"
o God was thinking to Himself a long
while ago, it wasn't a particular day,
because it was before days were
invented, you know, before the earth could
spin, for there was no earth but whatever.
God was thinking to Himself and He
thought, "I have all this power, I think I'm
going to create a world". Lo and behold,
seven days later, earth was born.
God replied, "Yea, I know, I did that on
purpose." Adam cocked up one eyebrow
and pursed his lips. He asked, "On purpose? What am I suppose to do with a
companion who does not have a penis?"
After He constructed the earth with his
divine glue and macaroni, He thought to
himself, "Hmm, it'd be nice if this place
had some life". He gathered some dust
from the ground, blew on it and Adam
appeared.
Adam felt a tingling in his crotchal area
and was surprised to find that his penis
was trying to tell him something. He said
to Eve, "Hey, would ya look at this? I've
never seen it do this before."
S
God told Adam that he was free to do
what he wanted provided what he wanted
was not to eat from the Apple tree in the
middle of the garden. Adam, happy to be
alive and content with the food available,
agreed. He wandered paradise, because
that's what it was, for a while and got a little bored. He said to God, "Hey uh, thanks
for giving me life and all, but this can't be
it right?"
God smote him a good one for questioning Him. Then He thought about it. It was
getting a little boring watching Adam
wander around all day long by himself so
he created a lot of animals. These animals
served many purposes. Some were cute
and Adam took them as pets and God
loved watching him be affectionate to
them. Some were big ones that ate the
smaller ones and God loved watching
Adam run from them for dear life. Adam's
life was, for the first time, filled with
excitement but it was not enough. God saw
that Adam was not happy and so he decided to create another human. He took a
At this, God laughed. Eve walked by and
said to Adam, "Nice place you have here,
stud."
Eve winked at Adam and asked, "Is that
for me?"
Adam then turned around pondering
why his penis was doing what it was
doing. He walked to the lake and sat there
thinking. After a while, it went back to normal. Eve stood there shaking her head and
said to God, "He's not much of a host. I'm
guessing you didn't tell him why we're different." To that, God answered, "No, it's
fun watching him confused. I can show
you around though." God then hopped
down from the sky and tookthe form of a
bull. He showed her paradise while carrying her around and told her about the tree
He put in the middle of the garden that
they're not to eat from. Eve asked him, "So
if you don't want us to eat from it, why did
you put it there?"
At this, God laughed at her and said, "Oh
you'll see soon enough dearie. Soon
enough indeed...Muahahahah!... While
Adam's figuring out what to do with his
privates, why don't you name some animals?"
Eve didn't go into it and proceeded to
name the animals by the tree. She was having a grand old time when Adam came
running towards her with his package in
hand. He was flailing his other arm wildly
and he was screaming "I've figured it out!
I've figured out what it's good for!" Adam
then began masturbating in front of Eve.
She simply shook her head and lead him to
the nearest cave. They copulated that
night.
One day, while Eve was naming the animals by the lake, she came upon the Snook.
The Snook said to Eve, "I don't to be named
the Snook, all the other animals make fun
of me. I need a tougher name because they
just don't take me seriously. I'm a predator,
I need a predator's name. I mean, Lion,
Tiger, Rhino, those animals get respect. I, a
Snook, get none. I need a name with a long
vowel sound, and I need it bad."
Eve looked at the little slithery thing and
gave in. She renamed the Snook to Snake.
The Snake slithered south with a smile.
Snake went to all the other animals to boast
about his name. He went up to Mouse and
said, "Hey, I got a new name, I'm Snake
now!" and then ate him. He went up to
Bird and said, "Hey, you can't make fun of
me anymore, I'm Snake!" and then ate him
too.
Snake continued on his rampage until
Bird's cousin, Pterodactyl, got pissed off
and ate him. Snaked died and went to hell
because he killed in cold blood without
redeeming himself or anything. In Hell,
Satan saw that Snake had a personal relationship with Eve so he cut Snake a deal.
Satan would send Snake back up to earth
and he would have to convince Adam and
Eve to disobey God. If he succeeded, Snake
would be granted an entire level of Hell to
rule over. Snake hastily agreed. He had no
intention of screwing over Adam and Eve,
but he was excited to get another chance
on earth. Satan, however knew of Snake's
treachery and made sure that the moment
Snake was on earth again, he would be
posessed.
Back on earth, Adam and Eve were at it
again... picking fruits. Snake materialized
by the pear tree they were picking at.
Snake, however, was no longer Snake, but
Satan. Satan said to Adam and Eve, "Why
hello there my dearies, did you miss me?"
Eve said to him, "Why of course! I was
worried sick!" Adam added, "Yea dude,
where have you been?"
Satan replied to the two, "I've been to the
other side and I bring news! You know that
tree that God won't let you dudes eat
from? It's actually because the moment
you take a bite from those apples, you'll be
granted the same power as God!"
Adam and Eve looked at each other for a
second and Adam said to Snake's possessed body, "What the hell do you mean
the same power as God? Are you stupid or
something? First of all, the Dude's
almighty. His power can't be granted
through a freakin fruit. Secondly, why
would we want to ruin a good thing by
disobeying God? It just makes no sense!"
Adam looked over at Eve to find that she
had already bitten from the fruit. She
looked at it and said to Snake, "I don't feel
any different Snake, what's the meaning of
this?"
Snake replied, "It takes a while, don't
worry about it"
Adam looked at the apple in Eve's hand
and felt left out. He took it from her and
took a bite out of it himself. Snake then
laughed in a new deep terrifying voice,
"You fools! You were given one rule to
obey and you fucked it up! God's gonna
have your asses!"
Snake disappeared in a puff of smoke and
Adam and Eve watched each other in terror. God, being omniscient and all, saw it
all happen and then materialized in front of them, once
again, as a bull. He said to
the two humans, "You filthy
disobedient lower beings. I
can't believe you couldn't
follow a simple rule. I was
saving those apples to make
a pie so that we could all
enjoy it together but you
went and fucked it up. Now
I can't make my pie and so
NO ONE GETS PIE! And
you're banished from paradise! You thought that eating that apple would get
you powers? Are you stupid? I can't believe I made
you dumbasses to be so
easy! Now get out!"
Ashamed of themselves
for disobeying God's only
rule, Adam and Eve left paradise with their heads hanging low. They were banished from paradise and left
on their own for the rest of
their lives. God no longer
came down and kept them
company as a bull or any
other form of animal for that
matter. They were doomed
to wander the world until
death. They did, however
have enough sex to populate
the entire world, so I guess it
wasn't that bad.
Did you know?
A cat has 32
muscles in its
ear.
26th October 2004
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Drunks: Know them before they know you!
Skanky Drunks
Jo Krack
Inebriation Idol
y liver has finally recovered (if
you don't know what that refers
to, you didn't read my earlier
column, in which our heroine Jo meets the
dashing Mr. Mononucleosis and they
retire to a charming Japanese hospital
together), and I have accepted alcohol
back into my heart. But after attending a
few booze-ups, I feel obligated to make a
public service announcement on behalf of
those of us with common sense: Know
Your Drunk.
M
Clip out this field guide and take it to
your next bzzr garden; with a little practice, you too will be able to distinguish the
call of a Happy Drunk from that of an
Angry Drunk. As an added bonus, you
can also identify your own personal
drunken tendencies (ask your friend
which description matches you if you
aren't sure). It's fun for the whole dysfunctional family!
Happy Drunks
Also known as Silly Drunks, this is the
kind of drunk person no one really minds
being around. Happy Drunks tend to giggle a lot (girls) or make lots of stupid
jokes (boys). They become more goodnatured than usual and are easy to handle. For example, if a Happy Drunk is
bothering you in some way, just smile and
tell them, "Go say hi to [insert name of
person way across the room]." Usually,
they will think this is a great idea, and
will teeter off. Happy Drunks are eager to
maintain a good party vibe, and will
laugh at your jokes and try to entertain
you in return with slap-stick style humour
and impromptu dances.
Be nice to Happy Drunks, though: they're
highly susceptible to suggestion, and it's
not cool to take advantage of that. Encouraging them to dance on the couch is one
thing; telling them it would be great fun
to flash those police officers over there is
quite another. Happy Drunks are known
to wake up the next morning with various
unexplained bruises from bumping into
things/falling down while drunk.
Call of the Happy Drunk: "Hey everyone!
Let's make a conga line!!"
Skanky Drunks can be male or female
(it's time to make the word "skank" nongender-specific, dammit!). Basically, no
matter how uptight these people may be
when sober (not that some of them aren't
skanks even when sober), it only takes a
drink or two to drastically lower their
standards. Skanky Drunks want to make
out with someone, anyone, and they don't
care whether their drunken fumbling
occurs in a private room, under the bushes in the backyard, or on the dance floor
in full view of other partygoers.
Skanky Drunks often start the evening by
declaring, "I am NOT going to end up
making out with some [loser/player/member of a vast right-wing conspiracy] this
time!", but they always forget that after a
drink or six.
They may also tell their friends to "protect" them from making out with undesirables, but that never works (ever tried to
pull apart a dedicated Skanky Couple?
One word: velcro!). If you keep waking
up next to people the morning after a
party, you might want to make sure you
remember to carry condoms with you at
all times (remembering to actually use
them helps, too). Because babies and STDs
are really bad party favours.
Call of the Skanky Drunk: "Show us your
tits!" (boys) "Look at my tits!" (girls)
Philosophical Drunks
If you see two or more drunk people
engaged in what looks like serious conversation, you've just discovered the
Philosophical Drunks. Depending on the
average intelligence of the group members, and how heavily that intelligence is
affected by alcohol, these discussions can
be either very interesting or incredibly
stupid. Either way, it's fun to listen in for
a bit. You can even jump in and add your
own theories; if you tire of explaining
why your ideas make sense and theirs
don't, you can always just walk away...
they won't notice.
Philosophical Drunks cling madly to
their pet theories and repeatedly bring up
the same flawed arguments to "prove"
their points. They are typically good at
speaking and bad at listening, often
resulting in hilarity when their conversations barely match up (for example, one
will be heatedly making the case that
America has become a dictatorship, while
the other will be countering that global
warming is a reality but it's probably
France's fault). They often agree to settle
their differences over a joint.
Call of the Philosophical Drunk: "What if
we really are living in the Matrix right
now?"
Holier Than Drunks
These are the people who show up at a
drinking party but make a point of
explaining, over and over, that they don't
drink. "Oh, I'm drunk enough without
alcohol!" they chirp, smiling and looking
shiny and smugly sober. Choosing not to
drink is, of course, a valid choice, whether
you never drink or just don't feel like
drinking that night. So is choosing not to
drink to excess. Choosing not to drink and
then priding yourself on how much better
in control you are than all those drunken
idiots... well, really, how much fun is
that? It's like hanging around stupid people to feel smarter; your IQ doesn't really
change.
If you're at a drinking party but not
drinking for whatever reason, you're in a
great position to help keep things light
and fun. Be nice to the drunk people:
laugh at their silly jokes, offer to drive
them home, subtly cut them off when
they've had more than enough, give them
water, tell them to go outside if they look
like they're gonna puke. Don't bother lecturing them or telling them they're being
stupid (unless they're Angry Drunks, in
which case handcuff them from behind
and leave them somewhere safe until they
sober up).
Call of the Holier Than Drunk: "Alcohol
is a sign of man's weakness."
Morose Drunk
Morose Drunks make Nirvana songs
seem downright cheerful. It generally
doesn't take many drinks for a Morose
Drunk's face to cloud over. If you see
someone hunched down in a corner,
frowning and muttering, you've found
yourself a Morose Drunk! Don't try to
cheer up one of these alcohol-depressed
cases; they will regale you with tales so
depressing that you'll forget about all the
good things you've experienced in life
and focus on reopening past wounds. Be
sure to keep sharp objects away from
Morose Drunks, and if they're still work-
ing on a half-full bottle of hard alcohol,
see if you can sneak it away while they're
not looking. Alcohol poisoning isn't pretty. I don't know how to "fix" Morose
Drunks other than by helping them to
sober up. Maybe a hug?
Call of the Morose Drunk: "Sometimes I
think I was put on this earth just to suffer.
God hates me. Hell, I hate me!"
Angry Drunks
Don't worry about finding Angry
Drunks; generally THEY find YOU. They
generally shout rather than speak, and are
constantly trying to pick fights. Don't
make eye contact with Angry Drunks; this
may be construed as "looking at them
funny" and you may be asked to explain
yourself. Usually, the Angry Drunks mill
about outside, sort of like agitated tigers
pacing in a zoo. All I can suggest is either
(a) not inviting those with known Angry
Drunk tendencies to your parties, or (b)
setting up a few punching bags or organizing a small backyard football game or
something.
Call of the Angry Drunk: "You lookin' at
me? You got a problem?"
Extreme Drunks
Extreme Drunks are basically alcoholics
in serious need of help. They may cycle
through all the drunken patterns above,
going from being a Happy Drunk dancing
on a table one minute to an Angry Drunk
punching someone for no reason the next.
These are the people that wonder why
their friends shudder when they proudly
announce "I'm gonna get totally wasted
tonight!" If people always seem to be trying to "steal" your drinks and replace
them with water, or if all of your memories of time spent with friends/significant
others involve alcohol and/or
blackouts/time in the drunk tank, you
might want to learn to say "no" now and
then. Partying is fun, cirrhosis of the liver
is not.
Call of the Extreme Drunk: "Don't worry,
I'm only on my sixteenth beer. Hey,let's
do tequila shots!"
Are you an Angry Drunk wondering
what my problem is? Or a Philosophical
Drunk eager to convince me that McDonald's puts cocaine in their food? Or a
Skanky Drunk wanting your underwear
back? Drop me a line at
gimmekrack@hotmail.com!
Roadkill/Pedestrians: Kill them the first time or they’ll come back for you
Jon Adair
Cracker Addict
am still surprised no one has
plowed into me yet on my
commutes to/from UBC. I am
avidly waiting for the anticipated
best seller for people pissed off
with other people's driving entitled, "Giving the Effective Double
Deuce," which would hopefully
also include a concise description
of the different types of insanity
on the roads.
I
One of my personal favourites is
the dude in his flashy beamer
who pretends he's an ambulance
driver in a life or death situation
where dodging traffic is a
requirement. Or perhaps the
addiction to video games has
reached new extremes in the
quest to find great gaming graphics..."Woah, awesome crash
sequence man!....now, uh, where
do I respawn?" I must encounter
at least five a day waiting for the
tightest curve in the vicinity
before they blow past me. Thank
you streaking blur, but I would
prefer not to be treated as though
I am a pylon even if the only way
to get my car up to 110km/h
would be to drop it off a cliff.
Then there is the other extreme.
There's a light that doesn't turn
green very often and unfortunately I have to turn left. Sadly,
the incredibly nervous guy driving the Supersized Heavy-Duty
Gas Guzzling Brickwall ahead of
me wants to as well, "Hmmm,
that gap isn't quite big
enough...oh, can't go yet, there is
a pedestrian a mere 200 meters
away...I really don't like the feng
shui of that roadsign just
now...darn, the light's turning
yellow, I guess I better back up
out of the intersection into the
Tercel behind me that contains an
angry UBC student in a blue
fleece honking his horn at me."
Thankfully the abraisive noise
made him think better than to use
my car as a Monster Truck prop.
I am also convinced some people
are afraid that using their turn
signal will give away their next
move or something. I would like
to inform you that this is what
that signal of yours is designed to
do: give the poor sap behind you
a fricking clue as to what the hell
you are planning to do next. "I'm
in the left lane at a light...still
there...gonna turn left...Ha! Just
kidding, I went right." (Yeah, so
the editor knows I'm guilty of
that too...but there was no one
around and I used my signal!).
Actually I am primarily referring
to those who plan to turn left off
of a busy two lane street which is
fine; if I see your signal I will plan
to move into the right lane and
get past you at the intersection...if
you are a dork-on and don't signal I will be stuck behind you
until you make your turn into
heavy traffic. (Don't forget about
the pile up behind me as
well....look at the fucking gongshow you've created now, asshole!) Signal, damn you! *Gesticulates erratically!*
Don't drink and drive...that's just
stupid, even for stupid people. I
need to say no more on the subject.
What is the most common device
that can turn an ordinary safe,
consciencious driver into a 2tonne metal death machine
wielding psychopath (Aside from
a giant chainsaw)? A cell phone.
The most obvious symptoms are
seen when the car that was going
at a nice clip in front of you suddenly swerves spastically as the
phone is answered. And now the
world outside their car does not
exist as they kick back on the
cruise control and laugh merrily
along as they forget about such
rules as "Shoulder checking" and
"Driving on the right side of the
road". On a brave day, I enjoy
pulling up beside these cars to
have an animated conversation
with my "hand phone" (Constructed by making a fist and
sticking out only the pinky and
thumb...voila, cheap thrills.) until
they take notice. Fun activity for a
boring day too.
Of course, no city would be complete without Squeegy guys.
They do such an amazing job at
ignoring your attempts to wave
them off so that they can soap up
your windshield with the mystery liquid they found in an alley
to leave the glass streaky clean.
Damn you too! My car's windshield does not need your help!
However a fantastic solution was
hit upon by accident one dark
and cloudy afternoon: turn on
your windshield wipers as their
hands get too close... setting:
Super fast. If they are really determined, spray them with your
windshield fluid. (May require
tampering of windshield fluid
jets which may or may not
become permanently damaged) If
you are the homicidal sort, the
gas pedal is at your disposal as
well granted the car in front of
you has given you a bit of room to
accelerate.
In conclusion, the safest way to
avoid accidents on the road is to
avoid the Oxidized Sun-Dried
Tomato driven by the crazed,
blue sweatered maniac (that's
right carpool, I said maniac) who
just got cut off and is now stuck
behind some drunk bastard on
their cellphone, pretending to
turn left without his signal
on....Augh! And now the Squeegy
boy approaches!
Better yet, avoid turning me into
a crazed maniac...please and
thanks.
Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
26th October 2004
My boobs are
shrinking
Humiliation: The real inspiration
Jordana Laporte
The Next Bill Gates
o, the other day it came to my attention that to be financially successful in
life all I have to do is invent one silly
little thing that everyone deems is the next
best thing to sliced bread. I imagine the
guy who thought up sliced bread was just
looking to hit the jackpot too and sick of
losing money on poker hands or games of
marbles (as I'm sure marbles was the most
prestigious form of gambling back before
sliced bread). I mean most of these inventions that transform a person into a millionaire are just conveniences that we've
come to "need" for some reason or another.
The sliced bread thing, well that was just
pure laziness, but there are a couple of stories I'm aware of which include pure luck
at guessing what's going to be hot on the
market. First, the guy who invented the
"ski key" or in layman's terms, the ski lock,
is rollin' in the dough. Second, the dude
who thought up those green pine tree car
fresheners, seen everywhere and featured
in several films - Ocean's Eleven being one
of them – built a huge mansion right outside the city where I'm from.
S
Amazing! So that's it, all I need is one little convenient invention to pay off my
debts, say adios to BC Transit and finance
that indoor water park I've been dreaming
about for the Fairview Commonsblock.
Now, here comes the tricky part... what
can my brain, of little creative and practical
value, devise that would convenience others to the point that they would eventually
not be able to live without my invention?
Well, to conquer this, I think I'll have to
determine what item would improve my
daily life. And, luckily, I can think of one
thing that recently I would have had great
appreciation for – a door hinge that swings
open both ways. I'll explain why this
would be my invention of choice.
So, last week I was showing a friend of
mine around Vancouver, the city I know so
well. I decided to take her to the Cows
store on Robson, as she said she had never
been to one. Excellent, because I knew
there was one downtown. [This is the part
in the story when you start to realize I'm a
moron]. So we walking down Robson and
finally we stop and I look puzzled. "Where
the hell is it?" I ask, as if she knew the
answer and I proceeded to call 411. The
operator told me and I quote "No Cows in
Vancouver". Okay, fair enough. So my
friend suggested we ask at the nearby Starbucks - by nearby I mean 3 steps away
because obviously a Starbucks in this city
will never be outside a 3-step radius from
where you're standing, there's a bylaw to
support this, for sure. While waiting in
line at Starbucks I suddenly become familiar with the layout of the store and say to
my buddy, "Wouldn't it be hilarious if this
was the Cows store, turned into a Starbucks?" I hadn't been to the store in quite a
while and I guess it was possible, but what
are the chances of that happening? Well,
Angsty Asian
Size matters
turns out... pretty damn good.
The staff member told me that the store
we were in used to be the Cows store and
had been taken over by the all-powerful
Starbucks warlords, as part of their
expanding empire (okay, so he said "Yep,
it's a Starbucks now" – a little exaggeration
never hurt anyone).
Well, that was too much to handle, we
walked up the stairs and out the door
laughing. And I was so caught up in the
moment of irony that BAM - walked right
into the glass door. And of course I wasn't
smooth about it at all, I was startled and
jumped back looking really dumbfounded.
We left as quickly as possible, a) because it
was too funny and b) because everyone
was staring at me thinking "What a tool.
Didn't she know it was a 'PULL'?"
There you go, one alarmingly obvious
time when a two-way swinging door hinge
would have saved me from embarrassment and the Starbucks staff could have
avoided wasting their Windex to remove
my head-print from the door. And I bet
that happens in every city, everyday, at
least once. Or, that's what I tell myself to
keep my confidence high.
We've all done it, walked stupidly into a
door, or window, or pole. So, for heaven's
sake, let's salvage our dignities here and
market the Dual-Swinging Door Hinge© –
"Saviour of Idiots"! I'm going to hit it big
with this one, watch for my limo around
campus, and if you ever feel like you need
a break, try the new water slide park in
Fairview, I hear it's refreshing.
don't have very large breasts to begin
with so it's very distressing when my
old bras are suddenly too big. It is
depressing (and disgusting) when I see
guys at Splashdown Waterslides with bigger breasts than me. It's as if my boobs talk
to each other while I'm asleep:
I
"Pssst, Lefty, I think our girl is trying to
lose weight. Why don't we help her out by
dropping a cup size?"
"Good idea, Righty, and lets not tell her
thighs because they haven't clued in yet.
She'll love us to death if we can surprise
her on our own."
Some surprise. I am not pleased.
Boobs are nature's beautiful, round
squishy things (because honestly, who
doesn't love things that go squish when
you squeeze them?) that are critical for getting guys to talk to average looking girls.
The lack of communication between me
and my breasts has lead to a lack of communication between me and the opposite
sex.
However, I don't hate my small boobies.
It's nice to be able to go for a run without
needing to wear two sports bras overtop
one another, and I like being able to wear
backless, strapless dresses without having
to spend $60 on a backless, strapless bra for
support because I could simply go without
and nobody would notice.
So dear boobs, please stop trying to surprise me with your sudden weight loss.
And dear thighs, clue in dammit!
26th October 2004
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
SUS Exec Reports
Patricia Lau
President
appy midterm season everyone... I
hope you are all doing well and
getting ready to have some fun
when you're done. So on November 5, 2004
from 7-11 come to the SUB Partyroom to
have a grand old time at our annual 'classy'
(we'll be classy, it's optional for you) beer
garden, ETHANOL. Come for the drinks,
live music and fun times galore!
H
The Student Advisory Committee to the
Dean of Science met last week with several
new student members. We had some great
discussions going about teaching evaluations, the Macleans ratings and more. If
you have anything you would like brought
Vanessa Ho
Andrew Thamboo
VP Internal
up with the Dean of Science send an email
to sus@interchange.ubc.ca and you can be
sure that we, the students, will bring it
directly to his ears.
Also, don't forget to check out the Great
Trek Celebration happening between 11
and 4 on Friday, October 29 on Main Mall
between Chem and Angus. Come find out
about how this campus was first created,
win prizes, cheer on those Great Trek
relay-ers and eat some free cake!
Otherwise don't forget to check out our
website at www.sus.ubc.ca for the elections results as well as SUS news and happenings.
And lastly, the social space is still chugging along at a steady pace. We hope to
have an update article out for you in the
next 432.
3)Reg. Open for:
*Great Trek (10K run): Fri. Oct 29th from
230-4pm (2nd of TripleCrown Events)
Director of Sports
lllloooo! We're almost halfway
done the term... boy, time flies!!! I
want to congratulate all the teams I
saw out at Longboat, Urban Challenge,
Innertube Water Polo and Gladiator! It's
really awesome to see Science students getting out there and having a blast. Hehe,
keep it up~
A
To all the science teams out there playing
hockey, ultimate, vball, bball, I hope your
season is going well. =) I’ve included
some important info below to give y'all a
heads up on what's up and coming. I am
also currently recruiting people to become
part of my sports committee. The SUS
sports committee will be formed next
week, so all interested parties should contact me ASAP. It's gonna be an exciting
year...keep those seat belts fastened!
Breaking Sports News!!!
1) Sports Rebate Deadline Nov. 25th @
3pm!!!!! Rebates for any teams signed up
in UBC Rec events and leagues will be
issued after this date. Team captains can
expect at least 50% reimbursements.
(Check out www.sus.ubc.ca for info
regarding eligibility for sports rebates)
2) Sports Rep meeting Tues, Nov 2nd
12:30 or 6pm @ Aquatic Center classroom
-Reg deadline Wed. Oct 27th @ 5pm
*Globefest: Thurs. Nov 4th 6-1am ( 2nd of
the corec grand slam events)
-Reg deadline Fri. Oct 29th @ 5pm
4)Exciting events to keep an eye out for:
-Insomniac Softball @ BC place: Nov 15-18
(MTW 11pm-7am)
-Broomball championships: Tues Nov 23
-League Social: Tues Nov 30
-Playoffs for:
Ultimate, Football, Soccer Begin Nov 15
Vball and Ball hockey
Page Seven
Begin Nov 20
Ice hockey
Begin Nov 21
Bball
Begin Nov 22
Racquets
Begin Nov 28
he SUS council had our annual
retreat and I'm very excited this year
about your SUS council. It is a council that will be held accountable and will
have a positive affect on the lives of Science students. A lot of new rules have
been implemented this year so that the
T
Anna Marie Bueno
Social Coordinator
i, folks! So…a week or so into this
SoCo gig and I tell ya, its definitely been keeping me busy. Last
weekend was spent at Whistler for the SUS
council retreat and I’d just like thank and
congratulate everyone involved for making it a remarkably enjoyable experience,
especially our very own VP Internal,
Andrew, for organizing the whole event.
The retreat gave me an opportunity to get
to know a bunch of enthusiastic science
students wanting to get involved with
SUS. After this weekend, I’m definitely
looking forward to seeing what this year
has in store for SUS.
H
-Winter broomball, Maze, Ice hockey, racquets, vball, bball is January 7th 2005
-Football, Futsal, ballhockey, ultimate,
winterfest is January 10th 2005
***Check out www.rec.ubc.ca for more
info. Email me at vanniepants@gmail.com
if you have any questions***
forward to in the near future is
ETHANOL, our annual ‘classy’ beer garden event, happening on FRIDAY,
NOVEMBER 5th, 2004. If you want to get
involved and help out, give me a shout at
ai_vi@msn.com. Otherwise, drop by for
some good times, good music (provided
by Bent Roads Tavern and DJ Cue Quick),
and good people. We also plan on firing up
the grill and cooking up some burgers, so
make sure to come hungry and prepared to
chow down and then party hard.
Last but not least, official social committee
appointments are coming up, so if you
want to sit on this committee for some fun
times, please email me for more information before October 31st. I’m looking for
EXTREMELY committed people who are
creative, innovative, and confident.
But for now, what you and I have to look
Jonathan Lam
Director of Publications
ell there’s really not much to
report on in the realm of Publications Directorship, but the Paradigm is starting up and ready to go, so if
you’re interested in submitting an article,
please give the Editors an email at
pjmazzz@icqmail.com. The deadline for
W
Courtney Campbell
Executive Secretary
***Reminders*** Reg. Deadline for:
general Science student will know what is
going on, especially through classroom
annoucements. If you feel that your classes are not being targeted by SUS and feel
that your Department is being neglected
by your representative, contact me and I'll
make sure that it is. However, I am confident that this will not be the case! Give me
a shout at avthambo@interchange.ubc.ca if
you have any questions or concerns.
ello all :o) Remember that seeminlgy interesting committee that I
alluded to in the last issue of the
432? Well here are the much anticipated
details regarding the one, the only, Code
and Policies Committee! So as a brief
recap, this committee periodically reviews
the Society's Constitution, Bylaws, and
Code of Procedure, and ensures that these
are continually relevant to SUS' objectives
H
submissions is coming up pretty soon
though, so you might want to get started
now!
Of course, we’re always looking for submissions to the 432, any time, any place,
drop us a line at the432@gmail.com. Please
write for us; everyone knows you’ll be procrastinating anyway, so you might as well
procrastinate more productively and make
my life easier.
and Science student needs. Yay! So there
are three member at-large positions available to any undergraduate Science student.
If you are interested in one, you can come
to the SUS meeting on Thursday November 4, at 1pm in the SUB Council Chambers
(SUB 206). If you are unable to attend the
council meeting but would still really like
to be on the committee, or if you just want
some more info, please drop me an email
at comaeca@interchange.ubc.ca and we
can work something out. Like I said, it's
going to be good times. Hope to see you on
Thursday :o)
Execs gone wild~!
After...
Before...
In between...
Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
26th October 2004
Microsoft, Costco, Relgion-what is the
bloody difference?
Kiran B
Sex and Alcohol
nce upon a time, everybody
believed that there must be some
force keeping the world from
falling apart. Some believed it was the
Gods (notice plural), others believed it was
their ancestors, and some even believed
that it was their household pet (perhaps a
cat or a cow). This was great for the average person. Shit would happen (earthquakes, lightning, droughts, death, etc.)
and this belief in some random being
helped make the people feel secure. It
made people want to be good to avoid the
wrath of this mean spirit who punished
them when they didn’t follow the rules.
O
Then thing changed. People began looking through microscopes and realized how
stuff actually worked. The earth stopped
being this static, flat, surface, and changed
to a fluid, dynamic, round rock that we all
call home. Where once people believed
that God lived in the sky, rockets now flew
without the interference from an old
bearded man with a vendetta. People of
different religions had to find a way to live
together. Laws began to develop and took
the place of religious doctrines. The law
now provided protection against stealing,
murder, and a host of other problems.
Religion is like communism and marriage.
It’s a great idea, but it doesn’t conform to
human nature. Religion is about rules and
restrictions. It is about controlling people
and making them believe in one single
idea. Take the 10 commandments, they are
basically rules. “Thou shall not steal”,
“Thou shall not commit adultery”, “Thou
shall not covet thee neighbor’s wife”
(although it doesn’t say anything about
coveting thee neighbor’s five year old son).
One could easily argue that these rules
make sense. Widespread stealing would
lead to insecurity and danger. It would
discourage working together (the revolutionary idea that has taken humans to the
top of the human kingdom). Random sex
with strangers will lead to the spread of
disease. However, in today’s highly regulated (laws, courts, patents), information
based, greatly diverse society, do we need
religion to dictate how we live our lives?
The dictionary defines religion as an
“institutionalized system grounded in
such belief and worship”. Religion is an
institution! It is a system designed to dominate, influence, and crush the competition.
Think of it like a corporation. Most religions have a “leader” (whether it is the
pope, the archbishop or the Dalai Lama). It
doesn’t have to even be a single person; it
can be a group of people who are consid-
ered the ultimate authority. They are like
the CEOs of the corporation. Everyone
looks up to them and says, “Yes boss, you
are flawless and every decision you make
is in agreement with God.” They get
unlimited benefits: room, board, transportation, and anything else they may
desire. Under them, you have senior executives, executives, secretaries, managers,
white collar workers, blue collar, and of
course janitors. Now, because it is a religion, their “official” names get changed to
bishops, deacons, priests, rabbis, pundths,
ganies, etc. “What is the product they
manufacture?” you ask. Life rules, beliefs,
acceptable behaviours, thought, ideas, and
propaganda. The customers of this generous service are you and I-the regular people. The bible, Koran, Three Baskets etc.
are like company policy.
Each corporation wants the greatest number of customers - the greater the number
of customers, the greater the profits. Converting, wiping out the competition, and
smear campaigns are all designed to reach
the ultimate goal-a universal monopoly on
“morals”.
“Are you saying that the pope wants to
take over the world?” Yes, that is exactly
what I am saying. Historically, the pope
has always been a powerful political figure. In the twelfth century, he had unlimited power, and unyielding strength to
determine how life in Europe was going to
be constructed. At its height, the Catholic
Church had 1/3 of all of the land in Europe.
This is just one example, I’m sure the other
religions of the world also dream of global
domination.
In the quest for global domination, millions of people have been brutally massacred. The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, (it may seem as if I’m picking on the
Christians, it isn’t my fault that they market their victories better than others. I
doubt that other religions haven’t attempted genocide, the Christians just seem better
organized) the holocaust. This type of brutal intolerance, oppression, unquestionable
obedience and nasty means to squash dissent are trademarks of any organization
that becomes powerful.
Man is fallible, man makes mistakes, and
man will never know the ultimate truth.
Religion is based on man, run by man,
used and abused my man. Why do we listen to a priest about morality? Because he
has a direct connection to “God”, because
he has been given the authority (by another man) to preach about morality, or
because he wears a white collar? No religious person has God’s unlisted phone
number, no religious person “knows”
what is best, and no religious person has
the capacity to understand the complexities of the universe well enough to tell others what is “best”. Man is man, and will
always be just a man.
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