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FAHRENHEIT
ONE-SIXTY
The Record of the 160th Session of
the Literary and Debating Society
by John Moriarty, Recording Secretary
The crowds gathered and they shouted ‘Resign!’
‘Nay’ said the auditor, ‘please give me some time,
For t'was ye who chose me and said t'was my time,
This is treasonous behaviour, and besides,
My hour at the helm has just now commenced,
And this cloak cost me eight Euro and ninety-nine cents.'
Yes friends, the 160 records won’t be like 1-5-9,
For this year’s minutes will be written in rhyme.
Partially.
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Contents
Foreward from the Auditor..............................................................................................3
Committee.........................................................................................................................4
Meeting I, Thursday, 21st September, 2006: GIBS Night.............................................. 5
EGM: Monday, 25th September, 2006: Nancy Cartwright............................................ 9
Meeting II, Thursday, 28th September, 2006: The Great GAA Debate....................... 10
Meeting III, Thursday, 5th October, 2006: The Traveller Debate................................13
Meeting IV, Thursday, 12th October, 2006: The Inter-Faculties Competition............16
Meeting V, Thursday 19th October, 2006: The Former Auditors' Debate................... 19
Meeting VI, Thursday, 26th October, 2006: The Halloween Address......................... 22
Meeting VII, Thursday, 2nd November, 2006: Literary Evening with Ross O'CarrollKelly.................................................................................................................................25
Meeting VIII, Thursday, 9th November, 2006: Literary Evening with Gerard
Stembridge......................................................................................................................27
Meeting IX, Thursday, 16th November, 2006: The Rossport Debate..........................29
Meeting X, Thursday 23rd November, 2006: The Torture Debate..............................32
Meeting XI, Thursday, 15th January, 2007: The Pádraic Nally Debate.......................35
Meeting XII, Thursday, 22nd January, 2007: The Maiden Speakers' Competition....38
Meeting XIII, Thursday, 29th January, 2007: Literary Evening with Pat McCabe..... 41
Meeting XIV, Thursday, 8th February, 2007: The Censorship Debate........................43
Joint Meeting of the Literary and Debating Society and The Law Society, Saturday,
10th February, 2007: The National Law Debates Final................................................45
Meeting XV, Thursday, 22nd February, 2007: The TP O'Connor Award.................... 47
Meeting XVI, Thursday, 1st March, 2007: The Age of Consent................................... 50
Meeting XVII, 8th March, 2007: The God Debate........................................................52
Meeting XIII, Thursday, 15th March, 2007: The Denny West of Ireland Schools'
Debating Final.................................................................................................................55
Meeting XIX, 22nd March: Speaker of the Year........................................................... 58
Epilogue: A Peaceful Transition.....................................................................................61
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Foreward from the Auditor
The 160th Session of the Literary and Debating Society was an important benchmark in our
long proud history Three years previous, a particularly large group of enthusiastic, die hard
first years had embarked on the long and fruitful journey of an education in the true sense of
the word. That is, an education that is sculpted by membership of Lit n Deb. These students,
who lived and breathed the society, were given the heavy reigns and there was nothing as
precious to their third level education as the vitality of the institution of Lit n Deb. Months
were spent planning success and strategising a long term vision for the Society.
Lit n Deb started the academic year of 2006 with a loud bang of the gavel. A new website was
designed. For the first time, we distributed 2,000 fresher packs and 4,000 fresher magazines
as we broke our own record for most sign ups at beginning of term. Meetings such as Nancy
Cartwright, The Great GAA debate, The Exorcist, The Travellers Debate and Ross O’Carroll
Kelly were full to capacity. A debate on the legitimacy of torture, a.k.a. “The one with Martin
Sheen” packed the Kirwan for yet another night as we attracted hundreds of students from
the library the week before semester one exams.
The literary evenings organised by Mr. Dan Colley featured Mr. Gerard Stembridge and Mr.
Patrick McCabe and they were most enjoyable and entertaining. The society was promoted
superbly throughout the year by Ms. Caitriona Callinan who was a vital asset to the session.
I believe the 160th session staked its claim on new territory that had until then, gone
unexplored. The debate in October on the motion that “This House believes professionalism
is the way forward for the GAA” attracted students who would not have entered the Kirwan
for anything other than a lecture. The motion that “This house would not halt the Travelling
Community” brewed an electric atmosphere as hundreds came to hear arguments between
angered members of the travelling community and the “villainous” Kevin Myers. One of the
best speeches we had heard of any main business was articulated with extraordinary passion
from Mr. Eoin Ward, a guest speaker, on the value and integrity of the Travelling
Community. I feel that this was an evening where people left the debate with their
preconceptions altered and a wider outlook secured on an issue that affects society. I strongly
believe that this is a feat not to be underestimated or belittled and if each session was to hold
one debate which enlarges the stage of a belief system, that session would be a success.
Of course Private Members' Time is the symphony behind the orchestra of Lit n Deb. There
were many excellent offerings throughout the term. However the motion proposed by Dan
Colley (who would go on to be Auditor) “That this house would end funding to University Gay
Societies” stands out as boldly triumphant. Hundreds of students were hanging on each
syllable as beads of perspiration washed the brow of committee members.
Future sessions will acknowledge the brilliance of Mr. John Moriarty, the Recording
Secretary, as one of the best Rec Sec’s that will emerge from the society. He convened an
amazing Galway IV that was larger than ever before as we flaunted our goods to lesser
University debating societies. John’s minutes from the exorcist meeting raised the comedy
bar to heights that Paul Howard (aka Ross O Carroll Kelly) had to aspire to meet. That was
the most humorous jovial meeting of the 160th Session and in years to come the committee
can read back over those minutes and be rocked with laughter.
Fire exits were blocked, health and safety manuals were hastily stashed as we filled the
Kirwan and the minds of the students of NUI, Galway. No guest was too ambitious, no
motion was too controversial and no poster (with thanks to the artistic skills of PRO. Mr.
Jack Evans) were censored.
The lost percentages in our academic studies and the hours of work that went into the 160th
session are wholly justified by the meetings we held, the motions we debated and most
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importantly, the students we entertained. My only sadness on reflection of the 160th session is
the stinging acceptance that it will be the best year I ever had.
We are indebted to all the previous sessions who paved our path. The committee of the 160th
will always have my profound gratitude and respect for the work they invested in NUI,
Galway’s finest treasure; Mr. Patrick Cluskey, Mr. Vincent Lacey, Mr. John Moriarty, Ms.
Stephanie Joyce, Mr. Dan Colley, Mr. Ronan Harrington, Miss. Caitriona Callinan, Miss. Zoe
McNair, Mr. Steven Lydon, Mr. Mike Spring, Miss. Orlaith O’Connor and Miss. Nuala Kane.
I would especially like to acknowledge Mr. Patrick B. Cluskey, the Vice Auditor of the 160th
session for the sweat, tears and blood he shed for the society, and also for doing it all over
again with even more gusto as Auditor of the 161st session.
The 161st session had extraordinary success, pushing the boundaries of debate to new
dimensions. The 162nd session has filled the sports hall twice in one session and coveted the
front page of national media. I have no doubt that the light that shone from the candles of
previous sessions will seem dim to the wattage of our future.
Nunc nunc qui timet eloqui,
Donna Cummins
Auditor
160th Session
Committee
Auditor:
Vice-Auditor:
Treasurer:
Recording Secretary:
Corresponding Secretary:
Internal Convener:
External Convener:
Schools Convener:
Literary Officer:
Public Relations Officer:
Promotions Officer:
Society Development Officers:
Clerk of the House:
Donna Cummins
Patrick Cluskey
Vincent Lacey
John Moriarty
Stephanie Joyce
Ronan Harrington
Steven Lydon
Zoe McNair
Dan Colley
Jack Evans
Caitríona Callanan
Mike Spring & Nuala Kane
Orlaith O'Connor
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Meeting I, Thursday, 21st September, 2006: GIBS Night
For those unfamiliar with the term, 'GIBS Night' is the
annual meeting of the Literary and Debating Society in
which first year speakers are invited to speak from the
podium on a motion of their choosing as a way of
familiarising themselves with public speaking, and
also in the hope of being given one of the magic prizes
awarded for the three best speeches. In 2005, the
society commissioned the Perpetual GIBS Night
Vibrating Trophy courtesy of Ann Summers, but sadly
the winner now lives in America and was thus unable
to return it to us polished and engraved. A 'GIB' is an
affectionate term for a first-time debater.
In my introduction to the minutes of GIBS night 2005,
I commented that some of the names one sees among
the speakers at GIBS are the names of individuals who
go on to help shape the session ahead of them and to
make the future of the Lit & Deb seem that little bit
brighter. And then on the other hand, some are names
which never again appear in the society's minutes, as
the amazing world of university lures its
impressionable young students into newer and more
dastardly ways of spending Thursday nights.
However, with full hindsight, I can say that the brave
few first years who held on past the free pizza and
onslaught of fresher magazines, now rank among the
most committed and enthusiastic groups of first years
in recent memory. The following is the official account
of their first adventure into public speaking:
The crowds gathered and they shouted 'resign',
'Nay' said the auditor, 'please give me some time',
For tonight is the start of my beautiful reign,
And I'm just getting used to my beautiful chain,
You know not the weight of my integrity,
For I am a medical student you see,
And though I am blonde I am smarter than most,
Why I could rhyme all night if I wanted....
Dammit'
On September 21st in the year of our Lord, 2006, Ms.
Donna Cummins chaired the first meeting of the 160th
Session of the Literary and Debating Society, which was
the annual GIBS Symposium. The party was started the
way only debaters can. With a debate. The first motion
of Private Members' Time came from The Squiggs, of
the Faculty of Life, who proposed that This House
believes farmers shouldn't drive their tractors
during peak traffic hours.
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The Squiggs claimed that tractors were a
hazard and a nuisance particularly to
Dubliners who, after all, desperately need
space for their Saabs. He did clarify that the
problem was not with the new-age 'pimp my
tractor' machines but rather with the converted
tricycles which move between intersections on
the M50. He said that it was crucial that the
motion be carried not just so as to solve
Dublin's traffic problems but also as a gateway
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to marginalising other minorities. He was
unfazed by points of information suggesting
that Dubliners would be without milk and
steak should this measure be passed saying
that the city slickers in the capital would
simply switch to cooler substances such as tofu
and smoothies.
Formal opposition Patrick Cluskey (3rd Arts)
suggested that perhaps the 100,000 Saabs on
the road in Dublin might be slowing down the
tractors rather than the other way around. He
suggested that the society should embrace the
farming community by granting Honourary
membership to the men whose blood sweat
and tears go into the very meals we feed our
children. (In respect of his wish, the secretary
will hereby refer to the speaker as Patrick
Cluskey, Farmer/Honounary Member, or FHM
for short).
Zoe McNair (2nd Arts) asked why, if farmers are
seemingly self-sufficient, should they ever
want to leave the plantation and come sit in
traffic with the Dublin folk. This prompted a
radical suggestion from the crowd that Dublin
be made a tractor-free island. Zoe retorted that
it would surely sink. No-one seemed too
concerned.
Enda Dolan (Honourary Life Member) claimed
that people-carriers are the real problem, and
spoke of his frustration at being a cultchie in
Dublin forced to watch mothers going by every
day in mini-buses with 3 children in the back
watching DVD's on plasma screens worth more
than his house.
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fundamentalists in the US after being given a
point of information from visiting student Tom
Corkoren. Tom would have his revenge later.
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) said it was
hypocritical of the children of Celtic Tiger
Ireland to be liberal and argue for freedom of
expression until someone expresses views
which they don't like a lot.
Rob Gormely (Psychology Postgrad) said that
it was abject nonsense for the opposition to
claim that any opinion which is believed
deserves to be respected.
Elaine Dobynn (HLM) thought it worth noting
that Christian fundamentalists use their faith
to rationalise burning entire cities to the
ground, let alone flags and ephagies. She also
took the opportunity to welcome Donna into
the Female Blonde Auditors Club (or FAB club)
which apparently meets once a month in an
undisclosed beauty salon to talk about safe
hiding places for the standing orders, and
which boy auditors they fancy.
In summarising Dave disclosed that he
fundamentally believes Mayo will someday win
an Ireland, despite their failure to score that all
important fourth point in their most recent
one. Peter belatedly defined stupidity.
The motion was passed, and later burned outside the
library.
Then Ms. Cummins passed the chain to her immediate
predecessor, Mr. Steven Nolan, now B.A. and the hour
had cometh for the GIBS themselves, who were given
ten motions to choose from, with the option of making
Despite the popularity of this sentiment, the motion up their own:
passed.
By far the most popular of the prescribed motions was
that This House would take obese children from
The second motion from the floor came from Peter their parents.
O'Brien, HLM, who proposed that This House
believes Fundamentalists are stupid.
•
On this, Kate Doherty (1st Arts) put forward her
theory which was that underweight girls get
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Mr O'Brien spoke of the vicious over-reaction
hooked up to a tube and force-fed, so fat kids
to Pope Benedict's use of a 500-year-old quote
should be force-dieted. She said that they were
from St. Augustine on the prophet
a danger to themselves and society especially
Mohammed, saying that words are just words
as the Irish Health System has insufficient bedand to react to words with burning flags and
space to deal with such a volume of diabetic
ephigies is irrational and disproportionate. He
children. She did clarify that by volume she did
also
noted
that
surely
by
Islamic
not mean number, but actually cubic
fundamentalists buying so many American
centimeters of water displacement and by bed
flags and ephigies, that they alone must be
space she meant matress area.
them keeping America's global flag and ephigy
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Niamh McNally (1st Arts) proposed a pro-active
market afloat.
approach to obesity, whereby children
•
In opposition Dave Finn (HLM) went the
suffering from malnutrition would do a housecultural
relativism
route
saying
that
swap with kids in obese families. Simple zerofundamentalists were reacting in anguish to
sum game: The malnourished kid gets fed and
inflamatory comments charring both the
the fat kid looses weight and gains a new
religion and faith of Islamic people. He also
appreciation for food. It seems so simple. In
blamed Western media for using the footage of
fact it's so simple I can't believe Channel 4
isolated incidents of violence to convey a more
didn't think of it before Niamh did.
widespread uproar than was initiated.
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Zara Nugent (1st Arts) said that obese kids have
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Ronan Harrington (2nd Arts) said that the real
a disease which they contract from food. She
problem was the Ayatullahs using papal
said that a vicious cycle of fat women getting
comments to incite hatred against the West
pregnant and giving birth to fat children
and that when such irrational action is taken
needed to be stopped by exporting them to fat
that this constitutes stupidity. He also took the
camps in America. This in turn would free up
opportunity to broaden the debate to
space for Ireland's immigrants and the clothes
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which they would buy in America would inject
money into the cotton plantations of the third
World. I'm sure Zara was shocked at how just
many people she would be helping with one
simple action, while the rest of us were
wondering just how many people she had
managed to offend in one sentence.
Catherine Owens (1st Engineering) said that 1/5
kids in Africa die of malnutrition and thus
Niamh's house-swap idea should be extended
to them. Only problem is the fact that a houseswap isn't as fair when one dwelling is a mudhut.
Conor Kelly (1st Arts) said there was only two
ways to go with fat kids. Either put them on an
island and see who manages to survive or keep
feeding them til they explode.
Liam Finn (1st Science) voiced the first strong
opposition to the motion stating that the stress
of being taken from one's home will cause an
obese child to binge-eat. He said that the
chemical content in fast food is slowly
poisoning the population and that this should
be criminalised.
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Another popular motion was that This House would
broadcast Steve Irwin's funeral:
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Michael McHugh (1st Engineering) said Steve
Irwin had died doing what he loved: Dramatic,
cutting edge entertainment and rolling 'round
in the mud. He said his death should be
broadcast at an hour late enough that neither
his little sister 'nor his parents could see it.
Shane Duey (also 1st Eng) took a show of
hands as to who in the crowd would watch this
show on TV. Upon seeing the vast majority of
hands in the air he berated the crowd for their
morbidity and cried aloud 'Won't someone
please think of the children!?!' Very masculine
Shane. Nice touch, nice touch.
•
An ever popular motion was that This House would
make Irish an optional subject on the Leaving
Certificate.
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Chris Donnelly (1st Arts) said that the only
function of Irish on the Leaving Cert. was to
make people feel stupid. He also briefly
pretended to be in 1st Medicine rather than 1st
Arts, but soon digressed and went back to
feeling stupid.
Eimear Lowe (also 1st Arts but seemingly less
ashamed of it) said there is no hope in hell
after her learning Irish for over two thirds of
her life that she could strike up a conversation
with a Gaelgóir without being laughed at. She
also let the house in on a little secret which I
promised not to tell, but what the hey. Peig
Sayers is not a very good book at all. Not at all.
Shane McMorrow (1st Eng) said that for Irish to
be compulsary 'til Junior Cert was okay, but
people's lives are determined by what they get
in the Leaving and thus should be spared
having to learn off long lists of seanfhocails. He
then whipped out one of said seanfhocails,
namely 'Tir gan teanga, Tir gan ainm', meaning
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a country without a language is a country
without a soul.
The next speaker, Colm O'Byrne (1st Eng) came
up with a seanfhocail of his own, namely 'I'll
spare ye the shite if ye give me a spot-prize.'
That's definitely worthy of the back of a sugar
packet.
Ronan Cumiskey (1st Arts) proposed TTHW
force boys to study Home Economics
saying that had he not avoided it back in
secondary school for fear of being labeled as
gay, he mightn't be relying so heavily on beer
and noodles as nutrition in college.
Tom Corkoren (Visiting Student) proposed
that all anti-American sentiment should
stop, one because anyone who's made it this
far out of America probably doesn't support
George Bush or the Iraq War and also because
Ireland seems to have picked up half of our
culture from the US anyway. He also expressed
great disappointment that despite trying for
nigh-on a millenium, we still haven't gotten the
Brits out yet.
Jack (another unappreciative blow-in from
across the water) proposed that American
people are better than the Irish. From
there on in it was plain sailing with the crowd
behind him all the way. He said we were all
protestants who can't take our drink and that
while we may hate his president, he couldn't
even name ours. Her name is Mary, Jack, and I
met her at the spud-shop last week and she's
very upset with you. She's thinking of
retracting your visa.
Heber Rown (1st Arts) talked of his
determination to go to each of the 29 societies
he had just joined at least once. He
contemplated wistfully the thought that
College seemed full of lively people all busily
sucking the marrow from the bone of life and
for the first time all evening I was genuinely
touched.
Finally, Michael Devany (4th Eng) decided to
speak on all the motions, and launched into a
terrade which ended with the training of stingrays to kill Islamic fundamentalists. He said
that after 3 years in the College, he had never
set foot inside a Lit & Deb meeting but it shows
what one would do for a duvet and a warm
drink.
This concluded the competitive section of the evening.
And so after strongly encouraging one and all to come to
DeBurgo's afterwards if nothing else but to see the
cultchie guards tucking into their bacon and cabbage
and pints after hours, Steve opened all motions to the
floor.
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Dave Keane (a Graduate of Corporate Law)
told us that the family of Steve Irwin were
getting a disproportionate amount of attention
compared to the Sting-Ray's family who had
lost a son in the incident and several 1st cousins
who were killed as retribution by fanatic
Aussies.
Squiggs said that the Irwin family were proably
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easy going enough to stomach watching Steve's
death, especially having showed up to his
funeral in cackies and sunhats carrying a floral
buquet arranged to read the word 'Crikee'
Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) used the motion
about boys and Home Ec to plug the food and
drink society.
Finally Louise O'Connor (HLM) spoke on how
the problem with Leaving Cert Irish was that
students cram 17 years of learning into one
month and encouraged students not to close
their minds to it, assuring them that learning
off one essay from the book will get them an
A1.
Chief Adjudicator Kevin Leavy returned to deliver the
results and first to compliment all speakers and most
especially those who came not to partake but to listen.
'You are the backbone of this society', he told them, and
asked them to keep coming back.
Third place was awarded to Eimear Lowe, Second went
to Kate Doherty and the GIBS winner for 2006 and the
recipient of two front row centre tickets for Nancy
Cartwright was Ms Niamh Mc Nally, who in the absense
of a trophy grabbed the hitherto unclaimed vase of Pot
Pourri and held it aloft like a true future champion.
And the meeting ended and one first year did posit,
That wasn't so scary at all really, was it?
The gate-keepers beckoned and banished us from sight,
And the crowds dispersed and went off into the night
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EGM: Monday, 25th September, 2006: Nancy Cartwright
No formal records were kept for the Extraordinary
General Meeting of the following Monday afternoon,
September 25th, when voice actor Nancy Cartwright,
famed for her characterisation of Bart Simpson gave
an address to the Society entitled 'My Life as 10-YearOld Boy'. Suffice to say the address which began with
the words 'I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?'
and ended with a recital of Nelson Munce's legendary
'Joy to the World, the teacher's dead' went down
extremely well with the capacity crowd at the
O'Flaherty Theatre.
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Meeting II, Thursday, 28th September, 2006: The Great
GAA Debate
The continued success of the Gaelic Athletic Association
is a source of great pride for many Irish people and
has been for nearly 130 years. It is the organisation
which binds communities all over the island, through
our five national games, Hurling, Gaelic Football,
Camogie, Handball and, of course, Rounders. We play
rounders because Baseball is for yanks and Cricket is
for British pansies. Perhaps had we saved ourselves
the effort that we put into making rounders just
dissimilar enough from cricket to justify it being a
sport in its own right, then maybe we could have been
like our cooler ex-colonial counterparts, such as India
and the West Indies and gone on to beat the tyrants at
their own game. Sadly, the would-be professional
rounders player failed to make an impact on a debate
which addressed this most controversial, yet sacred of
topics, the amateur status of the GAA.
their quarter-final appearance at the Koc Open in
Istanbul that Summer. Immediately after their
speeches, both speakers were given an on-the-spot urine
test for any contraband substances, the results of which
still haven't arrived back, as Donna still hasn't started
attending her labs.
Few debates in the history of the society have managed
to entice the many fine men and women who represent
NUI Galway in GAA off the training pitch on a
Thursday evening. But for many, the opportunity to
see some of the great names in GAA battle it out at the
rostrum was enough to compel them inside out of the
cold and the muck. Some even braved it in their Mayo
jerseys, despite the comprehensive thrashing dealt to
their county by Kerry in the All-Ireland football final,
the previous Sunday.
The crowds gathered and they shouted 'Resign',
'Nay', said the Auditor, 'please give me some time',
For tonight I hand over my beloved chair and chain,
To a man who has achieved quite remarkable fame,
To a man's whose voice known to the nation,
Be you radio listener or player of Playstation’
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Dave Finn (Honourary Life Member) pointed
out that the winner of the 1984 Female
Olympic shotput is now a man called Andreas.
Either this means that no one noticed that she
was pumped full of artificial testosterone at the
time, or that no one noticed that she had a
penis. His point was that the public only care
that someone's on drugs once they're found
out, so why not remove the mystery.
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) opposed saying
sport should be for yourself, not for the gold
medal and said that people who cheat when
drugs are illegal will find a way to cheat when
they are legal.
Beartla DeBurca (3rd Arts) said that the
difference between this type of cheating and
other types is that at least in theory others can
intervene to prevent diving, slide-tackline etc.,
unlike something which goes on inside
someone's body. Vincent stated his absolute
agreement with these comments, which made
Beartla's day.
What made everybody else's day however, was not
Vincent, but rather the arrival of our esteemed guest
chair and six main business speakers for what would be
one of the most enthralling, well-contested and utterly
entertaining debates in the recent history of the Literary
The meeting was chaired by Miss Donna Cummins and and Debating Society.
her first duty of the night, after welcoming the sizable
crowd was to invite any motions to be put to the house So after PMT was summed up and defeated, Donna
handed over the chairpersonship to a man whose voice
during Private Members' Time.
is known to every home in Ireland that ever had a
•
Seán Butler, (1st Arts) that This House would wireless radio or a Playstation GAA game. Micheál
allow the use of all performance- Ó'Muircheartaigh opened the debate by citing the first
enhancing drugs in sport, likening their ever book about GAA, in which 5-times All-Ireland
use to Darwinian adaptation to one's winner Dick Fitzgerald wrote 'I hope that this game
environment. He said he was tired of sport never becomes the possession of professionals.' And so
being dominated by the genetically blessed and to the motion, that This House believes that
that without performance-enhancing drugs, professionalism is the way forward for the GAA.
there would no hope for the genetically
•
The debate kicked off or 'threw in' with Martin
challenged such as himself.
Newell, 3 time All-Ireland medalist and
•
Formal opposition, Vincent Lacey (3rd Arts),
lecturer of Mathematics at NUIG. He argued
disagreed saying there was one sport Seán was
that players are paying the price for a lack of
born to play, namely darts. He opposed on the
professionalism within the GAA, citing the
grounds of danger to athletes, inherrent
prevalence of players' injuries as an example.
unfairness and the old reliable 'we're sending
He said that merely having free time to spare
out messages to children that it's okay to
does not automatically qualify somone either
cheat.'
as a coach or as a physio. He also recounted his
first inter-county puck in the mouth after
It was noted that both Seán and Vincent were under
telling a 6 ft 4 half back that he was 'the boss',
investigation at the time following a sudden and
under instructions from his amateur manager.
seemingly inexplicable improvement in their debating
Though Martin did receive no payment for
performance and success rate since starting to train and
partaking in the debate his sponsors at
speak as a team during the Summer, culminating in
Ballygowan were rumoured to have paid him
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€300 grand for every sip he took from his
water bottle.
In opposition stood John O'Mahony, former
manager of Sligo and Leitrim (since appointed
manager of Mayo and elected to Dáil Éireann).
He asked why the most successful sporting
agency in Ireland should have to change,
especially having undertaken to build quality
stadia in each county in Ireland. He was also
the first to draw comparison with ''d'foreign
games'' saying the FAI had squandoured
money from successive World Cups while
Rugby's AIB League Clubs struggle to keep
homegrown players from moving to where the
money is.
One of our own homegrown talents Ronan
Harrington (2nd Arts) said that his weekly
wage of chicken and chips just wasn't enough
to keep him in hurling, hence his conscious
decision to leave it at age 12. He cited figures
from the Gaelic Players' Association suggesting
that a senior player looses on average 150180,000 Euro over ten years from time taken
from work and expenses incurred. He said that
a weekly wage of €500 would stop the fall off
from minor to senior level. He also questioned
whether GAA would ever go the glamour root
of soccer with TG4 making hit drama series
such as ''Dream 15'' or ''Gaeilic Footballers'
Wives''.
Ray Silke, former Galway captain and
journalist, said that the day GAA players are
paid to put on a county jersey, the end is nigh.
He said the cynic knows the price of everything
but the value of nothing and said that the pride
of representing one's home and being part of a
community was beyond mesurable value. He
said that were the GAA to pay its players, it
would be unable to pump money into grass
roots development. He concluded that the
motion was fundamentally flawed depite being
colourful and sexy. 'Cause there's just nothing
sexier than 7 forty to sixty-five-year-old men
talking about Gaaa, is there?
Joe O'Dwyer, Manager of the Laois County
Board, said that every person involved in a
Sunday afternoon game in Croke Park right
down to the Artane Boys' Band gets paid,
except the players who firepower an
organisation awash with money. He likened
the situation to the Colluseum in Ancient
Rome where slaves were pitted against slaves
for the entertainment of the masses, while
Senators watched from the posh seats with
their mates from the Tribunals and asked has
anything changed in 2,000 years.
Last up was Eugeen McGee, famed for
managing the Offaly side which denied Kerry
the 5-in-a-row in 1982, now a journalist with
the Irish Independant. He slammed the GAA
for their 'not an inch' policy on player
payment, but said that professionalism
wouldn't work among players who don't know
how to act professionally, especially those with
cows and children to take care. Ronan later
pointed out that even David Beckham is in that
situation, only his cow Victoria minds his kids
for him. Eugeen said that while the money to
pay players simply wasn't there, the GAA could
definitely
improve
their
Scholarship
programme, increase the compensation for
travel expenses and look after injured players
properly.
At this point, before opening the motion to the house,
Mícheál recounted a visit to Wesley Rugby Club soon
after Rugby went professional. He said that after the
announcement in Paris that rugby would henceforth be
played professionally, loyalty to the club disappeared.
The capable players from Welsey College no longer
came to the small club, but were whisked to England
and to the bigger Irish teams. Meanwhile for the fans,
their club allotment of tickets for big matches in
Lansdowne Road now had to be raffled off to raise funds
for players’ wages. He concluded that when rugby went
professional, it was good for the top and bad for the
bottom. He said that the intrinsic motivation for players
in the GAA was that someday they could be the hero
who carries Sam McGuire or Liam McCarthy back
through their own town and to their own club.
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The first speaker from the floor lambasted
Messers McGee and Silke for their emotive
rhetoric and said they wouldn't know a hurley
from a crow-bar if it was shoved into them. To
be fair, they were both footballers and hail
from X & Y respectively. When asked for his
name for the record, the speaker gave only 'Mr.
Kelly' and refused to give his first name,
indicating that he wanted his identity
protected. But pedantic as I am, I decided to
get head to the Socs Box and try all the Kellys
in the West of Ireland phonebook. 'How many
could there be?', I thought. A few, it turns out.
So I just picked the first one and two other at
random, so it's not Aaron Kelly of Balinasloe,
Seán Kelly of the GAA and it's not Gerry Kelly,
who suspiciously was listed at five different
addresses in Co. Letrim.
Beartla DeBurca claimed that a wage of 500
per player per week would cost the GAA 10
billion Euro per year if you multiply 32
counties by 25 players by 52 weeks by 2 codes.
He left out Camogie players who he said were
surplus to requirements, but more importantly
left out a decimal place somewhere between
the 4th and 7th zero.
Ciaran Murphy (3rd Arts) said that there is a
virus eating the GAA from the inside namely
the competition and attractiveness of
Australian Rules football which has already
robbed Tadgh Coneely, and two of the
Ó'Hailpín family.
Mike Spring (2nd Arts) said Ireland is unique in
having GAA and said that the community
solidarity it generates would be sadly wasted if
professionalism were injected.
Thus ended the floor debate and it was time for
summations, by which stage John O'Mahoney had made
his apologies and left saying that with the PD's
threatening to walk out of Government in Dublin he
could be climbing polls and knocking on doorsteps
before the day was out. That did not transpire and we all
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went back to sleep for another nine months.
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Martin Newell said that because of time
restraints there are no taxi drivers or bar-men
involved in GAA and that the sport was being
left to students and other layabouts.
Ronan apologised for bankrupting the GAA but
stood over the idea of bringing up professional
standards within the organisation.
Ray praised Ronan's youth, exuberance and
full head of hair, but said that once you start
being paid for what you do, the guy paying you
becomes the guy calling the shots.
Joe said that the GAA need to prioritise player
welfare over building stadia that fit twice the
population of the county they're in and fitting
them with floodlights.
Eugeen said that nothing said over the evening
had changed his mind but that he was wary of
the GAA getting too hung up on revenue,
particularly with players being forced to pose
beside Guinness banners, regardless of
personal objections to drink.
It then fell to our guest chair to put the motion to a vote.
A few timid hands went up in favour of the motion, but
only a tiny fraction of the huge number raised to
emphatically defeat the motion. However, I did notice
that many of those opposed were wearing Mayo jerseys.
Either they just couldn't stomach paying their players
who went and scored 3 points in an All-Ireland Final or
else they just decided to stick up their hands and be on
the winning side for once.
Donna concluded by thanking most profusely her ViceAuditor Mr. Patrick Cluskey, a thank you which I'll now
echo. The debate was Paddy's brainchild, his lovechild
and he can be proud of giving the society one of its great
nights.
And so it was ended and the crowd satisfied,
With their National game still retaining its pride,
The gate-keepers beckoned and cast us from sight,
And the crowd dispersed and went off into the night
12
Meeting III, Thursday, 5th October, 2006: The Traveller
Debate
Comedian Niall Tobín once said Ireland is a society
divided into two communities: The members of one of
these communities get up every morning while it's still
dark, eat their breakfast while running to their cars,
which they drive 90 miles to the nearest creche to drop
off their kids and a further 90 miles to work in a large
office block for 8 hours before doing it all again in
reverse come 5.30, before eventually collapsing into
bed with a ready-cooked meal from Marks & Spencers.
We call this the settled community. Meanwhile the
members of the second community sit by the side of the
road for most of the day, watching them go by,
sometimes without moving more than a couple of miles
for months at a time. And we call this the Travelling
Community.
This was more than a debate just about travellers, but
one about the Irish nation and how we cope with the
diversity of lifestyles and cultures which our history
and heritage has produced. Against a backdrop of
heightened security and concerns for the safety of
journalist Kevin Myers, what emerged was a highly
informative and enlightening discussion, leading to a
large amount of consensus, not least on the 'need for a
debate on the issue of Travellers’; disappointing
considering the lengths we went to facilitate that very
debate.
'Nay', said the Auditor. 'Please give me some time',
Let us not get Mired in cheap-shots and jeers,
For our speakers have traveled a long way to be here
Taking to the chair with more than the usual air of
authority, Ms. Donna Cummins invited just the briefest
of motions for Private Members' Time and what better
to talk about when you have a spare 15 minutes, than a
quickie invasion. Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) couldn't
answer that question, so he fired away with the
proposition that This House would invade Iran.
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He firstly clarified that he meant for the US to
do the invading, rather than the Lit & Deb.
Reading succinctly from his White House press
release, he asserted that our safety and security
is at risk from theocratic rogue state. When
asked about whether Israel's nuclear ambitions
should be facilitated, Tony retorted that Israel
is a Western country which we can trust. He
also said that he'd rather a retaliatory nuclear
attack from Iran now while they only have one
bomb than in 5 years time when they have
several. Cause c'mon like, how much damage
can once nuke do?
Formal opposition Beartla DeBurca (also 3rd
Arts) said that America's military capacity is
already stretched by its involvement in Iraq
and thus 'unleashing the USA on Iran' could
scarcely result in any real damage to Iran's
capabilities. He said that we created unrest in
the Middle-East by making Israel into a giant
aircraft carrier and asked would it be a logical
solution to turn the rest of the Middle-East
into a nuclear wasteland.
The motion was defeated. Good thing too as last year
the house voted to write to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to
offer to exchange nuclear intelligence for the benefit of
our war on China and he'd hate to think that we'd gone
behind his back.
So with that issue dealt with, the speakers for main
business were invited to join us in the chamber. But
before their being to begin the debate, Donna
announced to the house the resignation of Society
Development Officer Miss Nuala Kane whom she
thanked profusely for her commitment and enthusiasm
since her appointment last March. With that done,
Donna introduced to the house the motion for main
business, namely that This House would not halt
the Travelling Community. The first speaker for the
proposition was Miss Catherine Joyce, a Travellers'
Rights activist from the Blanchardstown Travellers
Support Group, who defined the motion as that
Travellers should be allowed continue their lifestyle
without interference or forcible assimilation.
•
Catherine asked why travellers continue to be
denied access to Ireland's legal and educational
institutions on the grounds of membership of
their community. She pointed out the irony of
how readily Irish people are welcoming
multiculturalism stemming from immigration
while we remain embarrassed of an ethnic
minority indigenous to this country. She said
that the traveller identity had been
strengthened by their contribution to music
and dance. Finally she made the important
distinction between the positive integration
which the Travelling Community seeks and the
forced assimilation which the Government
would impose on them.
•
In opposition, former auditor and Science
Postgrad, Mark Hanniffy stated his broad
agreement with much of Miss Joyce's
comments about the marginalisation of her
community, but said that the pertinent
question of the debate was what aren't they
assimilating? He said the proposed cultural
federalism which would see the travellers
internalise law-making and law enforcement
would legitimise division at a societal level
with members of the so-called settled
community. He asked was the nomadic
identity and the achievement of cultural
continuity really worth more than having
healthy clean and safe accommodation and
said that the debate was a challenge to the
Travelling Community to examine what is
really important in the long term and thus to
halt for good.
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Owen Ward, coordinator of the Tuam Primary
Healthcare Programme said that the choice is
with the people of this country whether to view
travellers as a sub-section of a wider society or
as an integral part of that society and its
heritage. He said that while defiance of the law
by any individual is completely unacceptable,
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to 'halt' travellers is to enforce a type of social
obedience and conformity not natural to
travellers. He said that travellers are born
travellers and that they choose to remain
within their community because it is one of
like-minded and moral people.
Then former Irish Times, now Irish
Independent journalist Kevin Myers took to
the stage and said that general public's
perception of travellers could be established by
simply asking how many of us would like to
live beside a halting sight. The students reacted
the way all students react when challenged by
such a forthright assault on their collective
integrity: They blushed looked and down at
their shoes. He said that he could never
comprehend why the Irish State continued to
artificially preserve the Traveller way of life
despite their serial under-achievement as a
people. He said that travellers are victims not
of an oppressive society but of a benign and
liberal state bent on using the public purse to
support this cultural isloationism indefinitely.
The debate was then opened to the floor and the
audience were rewarded for their attention and good
behaviour with a chance to have their say. It did take a
while to explain that every proposition speaker had to
be followed by and opposition speaker and that
speaking in proposition involved more than just
slagging off Kevin Myers. But some points did run
consistently down both sides of the debate, particularly
on how eye-opening and educating an event it had been
particularly for the relatively sheltered students of NUI
comma-space Galway.
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The first floor speech was delivered by Hannah
Gallagher, who said young travellers trying to
get through basic education have it engrained
into their psyche that they are different. She
recalled having to shower before class every
morning and being left to play separately from
the settled kids in her class and asked is it any
wonder many choose not to finish out
secondary school as a second class pupil.
Jason Carter from Tuam was the first
volunteer to have a traveller family live beside
him, though he didn't clarify whether extended
family members count. Nor did he give them
his address. He quoted Kevin Myers as saying
that Travellers were 'too afraid and cowardly to
face the law of the land' and shouted 'How dare
you' to tumultuous applause. Problem was,
Kevin Myers never actually said that and in a
long Point of Information, clarified that the
reverse was his position and that the Irish
State had been too cowardy to enforce laws on
the travellers.
But all this was getting a bit abstract, so time
for a man with salt of the Earth charm to stand
up and talk to the hearts of the people. Up
steps Joe Soap Settled himself, Mr. Steven
Quigley (2nd Arts), to cite two points he had
recently heard made on the Late Late Show. He
said that if travellers wish to be treated as
equal citizens then why should he get clamped
and have to pay parking fines while they park
14
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illegally for months on end without being
issued so much as a warning. And why, if
should he receive a €150 on the spot litter fine
from Limerick County Council, should
travellers be let burn their waste in bonfires
without punishment? Kevin Myers said that
surely this institution had never known such
lows, that not only could one of its students be
getting clamped on campus, but also that he
could be forced to watch the Late Late Show on
a Friday night. Steve maintains it was the
monday morning repeat.
Helen McGinley asked if there really is a
problem with nomadism, and questioned the
assertion that racism would stop if everyone
were in houses. She asked which is more
damaging, a family attempting to live
independently in a caravan or a housed family
dependent on electricity.
Ronan Harrington (2nd Arts) said that he was
sure that most people in the room had come
not to be educated but to see a show-down
between 'us and them'. He said it was nonsense
to pretend there was no sentiment of 'us and
them' among the population, but that people
only make generalisations based on their own
experiences and that a greater understanding
was needed among the general public.
Actor and settled traveller Michael Collins said
it was interesting that it had fallen to members
of the Travelling Community to educated the
settled community on their lifestyle,
considering that the education he gained from
the State barely taught him to read and write.
He explained how the traveller culture changed
entirely with the death of tinsmithing which
lead to their movement en masse to cities
where Social Welfare and low-skill handy work
were available. He asked if Kevin Myers
supports the protection of Ulster Unionists'
cultural identity, why would he allow the
travellers' identity to be quashed.
Sharon Dillon-Lyons (3rd LLB) admitted to
being starstruck at the thought of having to
follow Johnny Connors from Glenroe, but
didn't do a bad job at it. She said that this was
an appropriate time to have this discussion
given that Ireland is undergoing such a change
in levels of cultural heterogeneity. She
questioned whether travellers who settle are in
fact discriminated against and said that by
isolating themselves, travellers propagate
outside prejudice.
Mairtín O'Golgaise said that the reality in
Tuam was that children of both communities
are now encouraged to play together and that
friction is quickly diminishing. He said
advances made towards clean and healthy
living boded well for the future.
Ciarán Byrne (2nd Commerce) gave a litany of
instances in which travellers in Dublin had
caused vandalism and unrest, peaking
apparently with the theft of his lawnmower two
years ago. He really liked that mower.
Gerry Kelly (having finally revealed his identity
after the GAA debate) scoffed at Steven
Quigley's reference to being clamped saying a
•
traveller child would be lucky to have so much
as a scooter by the age of twenty. I suppose he
can rest easy in the knowledge that one of
them now has a new lawnmower.
Finally, Martin Collins (Law Postgrad) said this
confused debate boiled down to how the State
should act. He said that the State has been
ineffective in battling illegal halting, has a
prejudice in favour of travellers and yet cannot
provide for them to vote, sit on juries or do any
of the things which regular citizens do.
The debate concluded with summations from the main
business speakers, which yielded some of the most
important points of the night:
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Catherine said that she had no more
responsibility to justify crimes committed by
other travellers any more than a settled person
has a responsibility to justify crimes committed
by other settled people or any more than a
guard should be an apologist for the corruption
of any other guard.
Mark said that a position of cultural
separatism will breed mistrust particularly if it
is based on a cultural definition of merely
being 'the opposite of settled'.
Owen then gave perhaps the most important
take-home point of the night, saying that
travellers are assumed to be homogenous and
interconnected where as in truth travellers in
Tuam may have nothing which they share with
travellers from Dublin other than their
individual choice to live in a caravan, and
asked that he be judged as such, as an
individual. 'All bigots serve to do' he concluded
'is to deny us our history and our progress'.
Kevin spent most of his summation
disassociating himself from all such bigotry,
but maintained his position that the State
should stop propping up a naturally dying
tradition.
Last time we debated this the house consented to send
the entire travelling community to Leitrim and the issue
entire issue was compressed largely into jokes about
Shergar and Letrim's demand for cheap gates.
Thankfully, on retrospect, a far more mature debate was
had on the night, although at the time the committee
were largely thankful simply for the fact that all guests
had checked out promptly from their accommodation
the following morning. The image which best captured
the night perhaps was that of Kevin Myers and the
immortal Johnny Connors in arm in DeBurgo's full of
cheer and song. This is the only image there is to choose
from, as several other pictures had to be heavily
censored as a mark of respect to Mr. Myers, the
recipient of the society's inaugural Literary Award.
And so it ended and who could have guessed,
That by the end of the evening we'd have seen a man's chest!
15
Meeting IV, Thursday, 12th October, 2006: The InterFaculties Competition
The Society annually invites representatives from the
''major faculties'' i.e. Arts and whoever else can scrape
together a team of two, to compete in the Interfaculties Debating Competition. This competition was
moved forward to Semester One, where it has
remained since, and was used as an opportune
occasion to discuss the use of racial profiling by police,
an issue which continues to be relevant in the age of
the War on Terror. Due to my own involvement in the
competition I had to abandon my recording duties
after Private Members' Time and hand them over to
Literary Officer, Mr. Dan Colley who providing a
thorough and accurate script of events complete with
many humorous comments, some of which I've gladly
stolen.
while the shooters take out the kids, maybe
reinforced bullet proof desks could be the
answer.
At this point a procedural motion to put the motion
straight to a vote was passed and the motion was
defeated. Then came one of the more cryptic motions of
the year, namely Honourary Life Member and Law
Postgrad Martin Collins' proposition that This House
believes Madam was not incorrect to protect her
Deep Throat.
•
The crowds gathered and they shouted 'Resign,'
'Nay' said the Auditor, 'please give me some time,
For tonight you'll see there's no option but me,
For tonight you Chair is Mr. Paddy Cluskey,
For from this podium I fear I must briefly flee,
And descend to defend my belovéd faculty’
Madam Audatrix began by publicly welcoming to
committee and to the position of Society of
Development Officer, Mr. Mike Spring. With his
appointment noted and duly applauded, she invited the
first motion for PMT: This came from Mr. Patrick
Cluskey (3rd Arts) who proposed that
This House would arm American school
teachers.
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He said the epidemic of school shootings in the
States had to be dealt with and that the only
way to defeat kids with guns was with bigger
guns. When he asked was it not the guns which
kill people rather than the kids, he said that
buildings aren't built by bricks and potatoes
aren't planted by God. Some people can't make
any argument without reference to God, others
can't do so without reference to potatoes.
Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) presented a counterpropostion of arming school-teachers with
baseball bats given that metal detectors have
been successful in preventing much potential
gun-crime and given the cutural and symbolic
significance of the baseball bat. She also said
that students generally go for other students
rather than teachers and that if worst comes to
worst, they can always use teargas.
Beartla DeBurca (3rd Arts) said that as most
revolutions are spear-headed by students,
teachers could be useful in helping maintain
social order.
He also said it would be
important to train teachers in the rapid-draw,
'cause after all, what use is having a massive
weapon if you can't get it out fast enough.'
Alan Lyons (2nd Arts) stated concern at the
thought of teachers wandering the corridors
taking out revolutionaries rather than staying
in the classroom teaching. He said that seeing
as teachers usually just jump behind the desks
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He explained that by this he meant that Irish
Times Editor Geraldine Kennedy was right to
publish the information she received through a
leak from the Mahon Tribunal regarding the
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's personal finances. He
said that the reason we have tribunals is
because journalists couldn't find this type of
sensitive information without them. He also
drew parallels with such important moments
in journalism as Watergate proposed that
journalists must be allowed protect their
sources.
Mark Hanniffy (Science Postgrad) opposed on
the grounds that Madam was in no position to
decide what the public needed to hear and that
that was the job of the tribunals themselves.
He said that all citizens now have a
disincentive to offer information to the
tribunals, knowing that the information which
they give may be deliberately mishandled by
those whose job it is to sell newspapers.
Cathy Egan (3rd Law) said that like all law
students she got a great kick out of the courts
being ignored. She said that Ms. Kennedy was
sacrificing her own personal freedom to
educate the general public.
An early vote was taken and the motion was defeated
clearing the stage for main business. This was a big
moment for the Vice-Auditor, Mr. Patrick Cluskey, who
is first in line to take the chain, should the auditor
become unavailable. In the normal course of events it's
not a very fast-moving line, but with Donna due to
represent the Medicinal faculty in main business, the
hour had commeth for the man who had waiteth.
Paddy's first duty was to introduce the final motion
which was that This House would Racially Profile
and to welcome the three esteemed adjudicators for the
evening, Miss Caitríona Callinane, Mr. Stuart Wallace
and the Chief Adjudicator for the evening Mr. Declan
Burke.
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To open the debate on behalf of a breakaway
faction of the Arts Faculty, namely
Denominated Psychology, Ronan Harrington
defined racially profiling as treating an
individual as a suspect for a crime based solely
on their race or ethnicity. He said by
retrospectively profiling the perpetrators of
terrorism, one high risk category could be
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established namely those of Arabic and Islamic
extraction and proposed that MI5 be allowed
phone-tap and search houses on the grounds of
membership of an Islamic Community.
Medicine's proudest daughter, Ms. Nuala Kane
then stood up and said that it is a basic Civil
Right of every citizen to be treated equally
under the law. She said that when there is
evidence of a crime being committed that this
warrants punishment and retribution but that
skin-colour is an insufficient criterion for such
treatment.
Back in the Arts Court, Mike Spring said that
racial profiling and racism are not the same
thing. He said that whether we like saying it or
not it, an Iranian getting onto a plane is more
of a threat than a white person and said that
the protection of our Society outweighs the
detriment to the minority.
Seán Butler introduced his team as team
'science on tour' with both himself and partner
James Hope being former students of that
faculty who have departed from the cold
statistical analysis of the World to the warmed,
cuddlier tree-hugging-type approach of the
Arts Faculty. He said that this policy would
further alienate a community who harbour
terrorists because they feel disaffected from the
rest of society. He also said that not all
Muslims are terrorists and neither are all
terrorists Muslim, implying that to racially
profile entire communities would be a waste of
resources with a low hit-rate, with the likes of
Timothy McVeigh slipping through the cracks.
Niamh McNally opened the individual section
with the proposition that even Black
communities in the USA accept racial profiling
as a necessary evil if it is successful in stopping
crime in their areas. She said that racial
profiling is a reality and that the security of the
majority must be the priority, quoting the great
sages the Bee Gee's in saying that it's all about
'Ah ah ah ah staying alive'.
Rob Gormally said that Islamic terrorism was
spreading out of the Arabic race and that if
they could just recruit an elderly white woman
to blow herself up on a plane, she could regain
them the element of surprise.
Emmet Connolly, representing Law, said that
this policy is about pre-emptive action and
used the parallel of the search for IRA
insurgents in London in the 1980's. He did
admit however that the conviction of the
Birmingham Six and the Guilford Four was a
mistake resulting from this process, and upon
being corrected by the crowd, admitted further
that it was in fact two mistakes.
Tony McDonnell of the Arts Faculty drew the
analogy with craneology, a method used in the
1800's to establish personality types based on
skull mesurements and said that any assertion
that someone can be genetically predisposed to
committing crimes was nonsense.
Picking up where Ronan left off, I got up and
attempted to spit on the debate from a height
but unfortunately missed and hit one of the
adjudicators in the face thus ruining any
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chance we had left. Having apologised and
offered them a tissue, I mumbled something
about evil cells within Islamic Communities
causing both the impetus to commit atrocities
and the disaffection and isolation from the
society as a whole. Dan notes that I should
have ironed my shirt before hand. I had
noticed that, but apparently it was just he and I
who did.
Donna said that by narrowing the search for
suspects to a race of 2 million people in Britain
wasn't narrowing it very effectively. She said
that said that possession or non-possession of
a wad load of TNT cannot be determined by
someone's skin colour and that reasoning
based on anecdotal evidence was insufficient,
giving the example of women thinking that just
because a man is both nice and attractive
doesn't mean he's gay.
Zoe McNair said that while being politically
correct and pretending that everybody is equal
under the law does serve to make us feel all
fuzzy and warm inside, it doesn't make us any
safer. She also and asked that we give the
Garda Suíochana in Dublin Airport the benefit
of the doubt that if given the choice to arrest
the Arab with the wife and kids or the white
guy in the corner with the TNT-shaped lump in
his trench-coat, that they would make the
sensible choice.
To conclude the competition, James Hope
reiterated his partner's sentiment that the type
of paranoia and fear generated from this type
of institutional prejudice is exactly the type of
sentiment which isolates entire communities
and creates terrorism and makes more people
willing to harbour terrorists. He also took a leaf
out of our group by saying that in the last eight
years 50% of motions have been defeated and
using that retrospective analysis, this one must
fall aswell. He didn't have any proof to back up
that assertion but in fairness neither did we
when we were on about the Arabs. But at least
we had the God of Jacob on our side. James is
an atheist, what Hope has he?
The adjudicators were at this point dismissed to the
Chemistry tea room and instructed to eat all the biscuits
they could find. Oh and of course, to decide the winners.
In the mean time the Chair who by this stage had
glanced in his pocket mirror on at least one occasion to
examine how neatly the chain fit his ample chest,
invited comments from the floor.
17
•
•
•
The first such comment came from Vincent
Lacey who opposed the motion on the grounds
that victimisation of any group leads to anger.
Dave Finn asked why if sexual offenders are
profiled because they're more likely to commit
sexual crimes, why shouldn't Saudis be treated
similiarly?
James Hope's second contribution to the
debate wasn't so much one of content, but
rather a sly example of how to get around the
'no conversation' rule by taking a series of 15second Points of Information from one
speaker.
•
•
•
•
•
•
Michael Devaney (1st Science) said that the
reason Irish people in London became
disaffected in Britain wasn't because they were
being profiled as terrorists but because
violence was ongoing there.
Sean McMorrow (Engineering) that much of
the progress in the North could be attributed to
communities setting aside rather than
embracing prejudice towards one another.
Sinéad Barry (2nd Commerce) took issue with
the 'softy softy' approach to crime. She said
that even Supernanny has to apply the weight
of the rulebook when kids are out of order. It
was pointed out however that Arabs might be
more likely than kids to rebel against
oppressive overlords.
In propostion, Beartla DeBurca managed to
oppose by linking propostion's attempted
penetration of deeply protective Islamic
communities to the bombardment of the Walls
of Limerick with 2,000 pounds of gunpowder
during the siege of 1642, making him the first
speaker to successfully include Limerick people
in the plan for Racial Profiling.
Conor Kelly (1st Arts) said that the poster
promoting the event in which all Arts students
were conveyed as 'Splif-smoking wasters' was
probably the most compelling example of
profiling in action that he'd seen all week. He
movingly looked into the middle distance and
said 'cause it's just so true' and then, somewhat
more mischievously added 'and I'm so keeping
that poster'.
Michael McHugh (1st Engineering) said that the
levels of freedom experience in the Muslim
sphere is hugely varied and said the analysis of
sentiment in the Arab world had been too
simplistic. He's absolutely right, what we
meant to say wasn't that they're all terrorists or
even that they all know at least one terrorist
but rather that none of them are more than six
degrees of separation away from a terrorist.
And so it ended and the crowd they did flee,
To set free the victims of police brutality,
And the crowd dispersed and went off into the night
But evidently we didn't make that clear enough, because
when Declan finally emerged from his Jacob-fest in the
tea room, he said that while the debate had been good
and the decision quite close, bla, bla, bla, that there had
been tenuous examples used in favour of more
important examples of racial profiling in action. He
awarded the 160th session Interfaculty Best Individual to
Ms. Donna Cummins of the Medicine Department while
the overall winners were Sean Butler and James Hope
of Team Science on Tour, making Seán Butler the first
speaker on record to reclaim the title for his faculty
having won it the previous year with a different one.
One more comic moment did come though when Donna
lunged for the chain without realising that she was as of
yet still ineligible to reclaim chairmanship until after a
vote had been cast. In a sensible self-preservation
exercise, Paddy prolonged proceedings no further and
promptly called for ays, nays and abstentions and
declared the motion defeated before Donna was finally
reunited with her precious.
18
Meeting V, Thursday 19th October, 2006: The Former
Auditors' Debate
In an effort to regain the spectacular crowds drawn by
Messers Myers and O'Muircheartaigh, the publicity
campaign for the former auditors debate on the motion
'That this house would change its name back to
Queen's College Galway' centred around a mock
pamphlet, stating the Queen's intention to visit Ireland
and meet with the Governing bodies of the University
and negotiate a restoration of the University's former
name and former greatness. Naïve though this may
have been, it was preferable to our other idea: 'Tell
students that Kieran Duffy was the illegitimate son of
Senator David Norris and promise to reunite him with
his estranged father at the podium.'' Fun as all that
sounded, we decided that playing the Monarchy card
might be our strongest move. The upshot of this was a
cosy crowd of society faithfuls who were treated to a
wonderful show of oratory from their past masters.
•
•
•
'Nay', said the auditor, 'please give me some time,
You're embarrassing me in front of my great
predecessors,
Though they're hardly exactly Emeritus Professors'
The first and only Private Members' motion was put to
the house by Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) followed the
recent trend of inversely worded motions by proposing
that This House does not regret General Sir
Richard Dannett's comments.
•
•
•
She explained that British Army's Chief of
staff, Sir Richard Dannett had given an
interview to the Daily Mail in Britain saying
that had failed in her mission to set up a
Western style democracy in Iraq and that their
presence there was no longer justifiable. She
said that few soldiers still support the war and
that as their chief Dannett had a responsibility
to represent the views from the battle ground
and that talk of Dannett jumping rank and
being disloyal amounted to little more than
Downing Street spin.
Formal opposition Orlaith O'Connor (2nd Arts)
said that if an Army Chief no longer believes
that a battle can be won then surely he is no
longer qualified to continue his duties. She also
accused Dannett of knowingly inflaming an
existing conflict between the Ministry of
Defence and Number Ten and said that the
Chief's role should be at all times apolitical.
Vincent Lacey (3rd Arts) said that to Dannett's
credit he had made public the hitherto seldom
discussed benefits accrued by soldiers serving
abroad and that this had led directly to Gordon
Brown's granting of extended tax credits to
servicemen. He did however criticise his
choosing to speak to a liberal rag like the Daily
Mail and said he would have rathered had he
spoken to a more conservative publication such
as Vincent's own favourite the Special KKK
Weekly. Vincent has since begun the Two-week
Special KKK Challenge and has reportedly lost
in excess of forty pounds' worth of perfectly
good bedsheets.
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) said that the
Army's job is to serve Queen and country, not
to complain or even to think. He said that
Dannett once lost a fight with the IRA during
his service in the North and has had a chip on
his shoulder since. In fairness to the man, he
did also see the puppy he got for Christmas at
aged four run over on his fifth birthday.
Keith Maye (HLM) called Mr. McDonnell scum
and asked how dare we question a man who
had managed to shag himself all the way to the
top of the British Army. However, he did warn
against withdrawal from Iraq, as withdrawal
invariably seems like a convenient method
beforehand, it's bad news for all parties when it
goes badly.
Finally in opposition Stephen Lydon (3rd
Engineering) said that the blow to the troops'
morale which Dannett had dealt would
undoubtedly lead to more death, although he
was asked on information would the
disincentive to die not make them fighter
better.
The motion was summed up and defeated, clearing the
stage once more for the gentlemen whose stage it once
was to hog, namely the four former auditors gathered to
dispute the motion that This House Would Change
its Name.
19
•
•
•
First up was Mr. Keith Maye, Auditor of the
154rd Session who expressed his wish to have
the gentlemen who signed away our past by
adopting the name NUIG, to stand before this
house naked and to face our judgement. So
with the image of a nude Iognáid
O'Muircheartaigh now firmly implanted in
everyone's mind, the night was off to the start
it deserved. Keith said that NU-IG sounds less
like a great academic institution and more like
someone vomiting. He said the graduates of
Queen's College Galway went on to patrol an
empire and encouraged all present to stand up
and cry unashamed 'I wanna be a queen'.
The second speaker said he was very proud to
welcome everyone to the Kieran Duffy theatre
and to the Illiteracy and Masturbation Society
and asked, really, what's in a name anyway?
He said that name-changes usually cover up
what a thing is lacking, for example The British
Commonwealth was so called when the wealth
was not common where as it is now the United
Kingdom, as every part of it seeks its
independence. He added that the helicopter
could have been called the flying death
machine but that would never have gotten off
the ground.
Martin Collins Auditor of the 157th Session said
that the reason his colleague Mr. Maye was
struggling to find a job in Sligo is because his
degree is not from Queen's College Galway but
from NUIG. That and his slight fondness for
Champagne and Cristal Meth cocktails. He
pointed to the fire signs at the door of the
theatre which still carry the logo of UCG and
said that that's the difference between UCG
and NUIG: UCG cared for the welfare and
safety of it's students where as NUIG would
just as soon let them all burn.
At this point in the debate it became clear that
Keith Maye had misread his invitation and that
instead of bringing his own beer, he had taken
BYOB to mean 'Bring your own bell'. But it
wasn't the bell ringing which caused the
greatest disturbance to Mr. Collins but rather
the desperate efforts of clerk of the house
Orlaith O'Connor to disarm him of it. Thus
began a Tom and Jerry-esque chase around the
Kirwan between Orlatith clerk and formerauditor.
Sensing rightly that her control over affairs was starting
to wane, Donna took this opportunity to reinstate the
great institution of the swear-jar, whereby any speaker
deemed to be using unparliamentary language would
have to contribute €1 to the funds. Just in time for the
foul-mouthed tyrant of the 156th Session, Mark
Hanniffy, whose duty it now was not just to summate
the main business, but also to personally fund the Lit &
Deb C Team for Vancouver in January.
•
Mark said that the name of NUIG represented
a progression from an institution crippled by
its own inferiority complex, towards a proud
college of 14,000 students and international
recognition. He accused the prop of trying to
treat the disease of student apathy by treating
its surface symptoms and protested that NUIG
does not take after its sister colleges in Dublin
in treating its students as customers to be
endowed with degrees.
•
•
•
•
•
•
Ronan Harrington (2nd Arts) Said that the
sports fans who once chanted 'hurrah-huurreeUCG' have nothing to shout any more as NUIG doesn't rhyme with anything. He also said
that QCG could bring about a revolution and
that those out queuing for CP's could regain
pride in their education and join us on
Thursday nights in the Kirwan.
Cathy Egan (3rd Law) retorted saying that
Ronan is the only person in the Kirwan who
regularly darkens the doors of CP's, and
questioned his audacity in giving us lectures on
student apathy.
Paddy Cluskey (3rd Arts) said he looked
forward to the Society returning to the Queen's
warm
and
nurturing
bosom,
which
unfortunately lost him a Euro to the swear-jar.
In opposition, I stood up and said that on
behalf of all of us Dubs who come to College
here to see how the other half lives, that
Galway truly is the National University of
Ireland and that this brand has helped woo
many American students to this fair Isle. Those
that know me will know that wooing American
students is an issue very close to my heart.
Conor Kelly (1st Arts) came up with the best
example of when a name change signifies an
improvement, namely when a woman takes her
husband's name upon getting married. He also
asked would we not be put off by a cereal called
crap-flakes as opposed to one called tasty jelly
flakes.
In direct opposition Dan Colley (2nd Arts) said
that Kellogs already make crap flakes but
craftily brands them as All-Bran. He used an
anecdote to show how much a name matters to
people, telling us of the frosty response his film
crew received upon telling the locals of
Kilkerrin, Co. Galway that its screen name
would not be, Kilkerrin, but rather Knockshee,
Co. Mayo.
The motions was at this point put to the house and the
first speaker to offer his services was Mr. Beartla De Time for summations:
Burca (3rd Arts). Little did he know to what extent his
services would be stretched before the end of his speech.
•
Keith summed up his sentiments by saying
that College is the 'Time of Your Life' and
•
He started by saying that the answer to the
urged all present to enjoy it and said his
evening's question lies in the Far East and that
farewells.
the name-change could serve as an excellent
•
Kieran took summations as an opportunity to
decoy to Lit & Deb's long-term foes in China,
welcome a man in the audience by the name of
with whom we've been at war for nearly three
Tom Hayes, Auditor of the 132nd Session of
decades. This inspired idea inspired a second
the Society from 1978-79 and best remembered
inspired idea, which took the form of a
for his complimentary remarks about Hitler. I
procedural motion that Beartla De Burca be
believe his exact comments were 'To give the
deployed on behalf of Lit & Deb to China to
man his due, he certainly could hold a crowd'.
mediate with the Chinese premier. Of course
•
Martin said that Queen's College Galway could
the house were only too willing to bestow this
embody everything which we strive to be in
honour on such an upstanding contributor to
this society, an active and critical pursuit of
the Society and we await correspondence from
knowledge and on a similar note, Mark
Mr. De Burca at his new address in Hong
concluded by harking back to the debate held
Kong.
by this Society to mark the centenary of the
rd
•
Vincent Lacey (3 Arts) opposed the motion on
first enrollment to Queens College Galway, in
the ground that he like the name NUIG so
which speakers contested the motion was 'That
much he's even on occasions been known to
this house believes the rise of technology over
utter shortly before reaching orgasm. To that I
humanism defeats the aims of University
say talking to yourself is the first sign of
Education'. He said we all have much to learn
madness, Vincent.
about the value of tradition, and how
20
successive generations have fought against the
erosion that tradition..
And on that sobering note, the all-important vote was
held, and despite a spirited showing from the royalists,
twas the nays who won out and thus determined that
this institution will keep the glorious name of NU-IG, or
as I will always fondly refer to it, NUI, comma, space,
Galway.
And with that the motion was put to bed,
And the auditors departed with their egos well fed,
The gate-keepers game and cast us from sight,
21
Meeting VI, Thursday, 26th October, 2006: The Halloween
Address
The following is an account of perhaps the most boring
performance from a religious figure since Jesus put the
apostles to sleep in the Garden of Gethsemane. It was
decided that we would mark the week of Halloween by
inviting one of the few remaining priests in the British
Isles who continues the practice of Exorcism. And we
learned some valuable lessons from this meeting which
all future committees would do well to hear: When
your guest speaker asks you in the car on the way over
if it would be appropriate to begin with a prayer,
maybe it's time to suggest a few jokes. If your guest
believes that the celebration of Halloween is akin to
devil worship then maybe Halloween isn't a good time
to invite him.
Facetiousness aside, the Reverend Fr. Jeremy Davies
did most definitely teach us much about a practice
most of us knew little about, save the occasional horror
film, to say nothing of having voiced the kind of
controversial commentary on modern society to which
students are all to seldom exposed.
22
'Nay', said the Auditor. 'Please give me some time,
For the power of Christ has compelled you hear,
In the hope to be levitated, or made disappear
The meeting began, as per usual with Private Members'
Time of the Society, chaired by Ms. Donna Cummins.
•
•
•
•
•
Beartla De Burca (3rd Arts) proposed that This
House believes that the Sisters of Mercy
were treated badly: He explained that by
this he meant that the media and modern
society had been overly harsh on the Sisters
over their running of the Magdeline Laundries.
He said it was unfair to judge past events by
today's standards and said that corporal
punishment was very much the norm in society
as a whole and was therefore not as
reprehensible a measure as modern media
would have us believe. He said that the Sisters
did after all take in those cast out by society for
committing no crime.
Seán Butler (1st Arts) said the idea that because
public perception was not that the Sisters were
doing wrong, that it was too late to pass
judgment on them was a logical fallacy. He said
that true Christians would have embraced
those cast out of society and not subjected
them to institutional abuse.
•
•
•
•
Halloween so strangers can give them sweets,
secondly that the poor farmers who farm
polyester will go out of business and have to
melt their entire farms and thirdly because no
other time in the year can shops sell people
their own weight in artificial colouring. All of
the above are of course worthy causes.
In prop, Vincent Lacey (3rd Arts) said that a
dearth of sweets might be good for a society,
saying that he had once been a tubby diseaseridden burden, but since kicking the sweets he
had become something far greater, an Arts
student.
In op, I said that Halloween is desperately
needed as a buffer which prevents 'the preChristmas season' from usurping the entire
calender. For this brief sentiment I was
publicly called a baby-killer. I said that
Christmas is a lonely time for those without
families of their own, and imagine the horror
of 364 days of loneliness a year.
Niamh McNally (1st Arts) disagreed saying that
she was sick of Halloween parties and said that
here birthday had been completely eclipsed by
this festival. On information, I asked 'how do
you think Jesus feels on Christmas Day.'
Conor Kelly (1st Arts) opposed for one reason:
The horror that is 'The Rocky Horror Picture
Show'.
With that the motion was summed up and defeated.
The motion was put to an immediate vote and
defeated.
So with as the support act departed, the crowd awaited
eagerly the Main Biz, the headline act, the one, the only,
nd
A second motion from Ms. Zoe McNair (2 Reverend Father Jeremy Davies: At least in stature, the
Arts) namely that This House believes the rev. did not disappoint. Tall, rigid and armed with only
corresponding secretary of the 160th a small briefcase and bible, he truly looked the part and
session should write the letters which the only pity was that we couldn't have dimmed the
the secretary of the 159th session failed lights and watched his silhouette move to the tune of
to write, was passed without objections Mike Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells'. But there sadly the
meaning Stephanie Joyce has had to add to her excitement would have ended as we would all soon see
list of pen-pals, Messers James Hope and that the King James Bible was no mere prop, as he
Mahmood Adhmedinejad.
opened with the first biblical quotation which points
towards exorcism as an intrinsic part of Catholic
The next motion came from Seán O'Quigley of Doctrine:
the Faculty of Life. Anyone who thinks that ' Go into the world
sounds like a made-up faculty would be Fr. Davies began by explaining how he had practised for
surprised to note that the Faculty of Life is one five years as a Medical Doctor before confronting a
which allows students who feel they still need woman who had partaken in Witchcraft who despite
to spend time in College to swan about and apparently having nothing physically wrong, asked him
periodically attend whichever lectures tickle repeatedly, are they going to burn me again, indicating
their fancy. Their only two students are Seán that all contact with water was causing the sensation of
O'Quigley and Martin Sheen. Seán proposed burning. He said he felt out of his depth in medicine and
that This House would Ban Halloween on thought perhaps that for man to depend only on men
the grounds that it allows a certain group of for healing was simply not enough.
wierdos to blend in with the rest with us, that Over the hour or so which proceeded, Fr. Davies gave a
is to say, goths. He said that goths are people richly theological dissertation on exorcism and its widewho go to a lot of effort early in the morning to reaching significance, and the varying roles of
make them look like people who would readily evangelism and repentance in the practise. He spoke of
eat children and as a concerned citizen who the dangers of divorcing human sin from demonic
passes burning cars on the way to work every power and possession and said that possession comes
morning, he'd prefer to keep them looking about as a linear progression from temptation and
distinct. It was pointed out to him however obsession. He demonstrated the pertinence of exorcism
that cars are seldom burned by people with in theology citing the crucifixion as the first great
black cloaks but rather by teenagers with exorcism and drawing on the analogy of St. Patrick's
illuminous white tracksuits.
banishing of serpents from Ireland.
Zoe Mc Nair opposed on the grounds firstly He dismissed the modern notion of Psychology saying
that fat kids who have mean parents depend on
23
there is no illness which is neither physical nor spiritual.
Along with this he cited Reiki, Yoga, Alternative
Therapies and Positive Thinking as practises through
which men turn from God and engage with Satan. Most
chillingly he accused parents who dress their children as
witches for Halloween of mocking God and flirting with
the occult. Many left at this point, a privilege one
seldom can express at religious ceremonies in Ireland.
present to join us for drinks in DeBurgo's. 'Cause
nothing fires you up for a good night out like being told
that modern consumerist society is slowly receding into
the bowels of Dante's inferno.
And so it ended and our demons were banished
And with a flash Fr. Jeremy vanished
The gate-keepers beckoned to cast us from sight
And the crowds dispersed and went off into the night.
With the sermon over, the questions and answers
session began in earnest:
Question: Can evil in someone come from a source other
than Satan?
Answer: Possession is always the product of an alliance
between human sin and demonic possession, so no.
Question: Is the experience of exorcism any different
from how it is portrayed in films?
Answer: As an exorcist one is face to face with the devil
as many times and his appearance is always different.
So no.
Question: What was your most frightening experience?
Answer: When one is aware of the support of God, it is
difficult to feel frightened, although one is often shocked
at sudden screams, lurches etc.
Question: Can lay people undertake exorcisms?
Answer: Minor, yes. Major, no.
Question: How many major exorcisms do you perform
in a year?
Answer: About a dozen or so.
Question: What was your four months training like?
(What I liked about this question was how it conjured
up the image of a priest doing exorcist work experience,
with the pro in the room doing the heavy duty demonic
stuff and the apprentice out making tea and
photocopying disclaimer forms.)
Answer: Very inspiring to study under Fr. Candido of
Rome, although at times very tough going.
Question: How the hell is positive thinking evil?
Answer: Resolution-making divorced from a move
closer to God displays nothing but man's arrogance and
pride.
Question: Ever see anyone levitate?
Answer: Ah yeah, it happens. (Better Question:
Wouldn't have thought to mention that earlier before
all the crowds left, no?
Question: Can inanimate objects be possessed?
Answer: Certainly spirits can linger in a place long after
the possessed have left it.
Question: Is War the work of evil?
Answer: Yes, undoubtedly.
Question: Then why are wars started by those who
profess to be Christians?
Answer: Because they're not Christians, but hypocrites.
Question: Is a group gathered purely in the name of
speaking in public and feeding on the energy of each
other's egos the work of the devil? i.e. Is Lit&Deb evil?
Answer: Dear me no, why they paid for my hotel.
Question: As a non-believer who lives a good life, am I
destined not to go to heaven?
Answer: Without Christ's light how can one see evil?
Well technically that's a question with another question
which is kinda cheating, but we didn't call him on it.
Mainly 'cause it was time to go.
And with that Donna called the meeting to a close not
before thanking Fr. Davies most sincerely for his visit
and for his address and extended an invitation to all
24
Meeting VII, Thursday, 2nd November, 2006: Literary
Evening with Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
The first week of November saw the first of the
session's three literary evenings. As a Dubliner, who
was cruelly wrenched from my comfortable home in
Blackrock and forced to give up orange moccachino's
and smoothies and adopt a steady diet of spuds with
spuds on the side in the bosom of 'the country' or, as we
now call it, the commuter belt, I took immense pleasure
to the visit of Paul Howard, creator of the infamous
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly. He reminded me of the wonders
of the city I left behind me. The massive attendance
suggested that Rosco's appeal has far outreached his
beloved Greater South Dublin Area.
•
•
'Nay' said the auditor, 'please give me some time',
I was only there 'cause my mate's foxy flatmate,
Considers a debate, loike, a good place for a date
Before main business, Madam Auditor called on a brief
Private Members' Time motion from Honourary Life
Member, Peter O'Brien.
•
•
•
Peter proposed that This House Would
write a letter to all women everywhere
telling them to shut up moaning about
men pissing on the toilet seat. He
appealed for tolerance and calm among women
everywhere and said the act in question is
always accidental and never malicious. He said
were men able to get up in the morning with
their eyes still closed and hit such a small
target while armed with the lada of all rifles,
they'd be worthy of performing in a Russian
circus. He gave a detailed account of the
biophysical process of wetting the seat, proving
that you can't spend 6 years on a basic science
degree without at least attending some lectures
(and without involuntarily wetting at least
some women). He said there was no point
lifting the seat up because women will only fall
in, and even less point trying to improve one's
aim as one will only attempt the feat from
further away.
Elaine Dobbyn (HLM) opposed on the grounds
that she felt sick of hovering over urine. She
said that women tolerate enough what with
men's lack of consideration for everything. She
said that, of course, if men had bigger penises
they could exert more control, an argument
akin to saying that if a women had bigger
breasts, she'd have less cause for adjustment.
Seán O'Quigley (NUI Dublin Commerce
Graduate) said he was sure he was not alone in
having the sudden urge to go to the bathroom
since the beginning of the debate. He said that
women always judge men on whether they hit
the spot, but that we all know you can't hit
spots that don't exist. He said men might
improve accuracy if, like women, they stopped
going alone to the bathroom and had some
bathroom pals to support them through the
ordeal. Finally, he proposed on the grounds of
keeping alive the fine art of letter writing and
•
couldn't wait for the handwritten response
from the global women's council.
Cathy Egan (3rd Law) presented the genius idea
of attaching the seat to the flush with elastic to
forcibly lift the seat up. She also said that
nothing builds up your thigh muscles like
living in a flat with three guys. That from the
girl who had one man to feed her another to
run her bath for her and a third to tuck her in
and read her a bedtime story.
Ronan Harrington (2nd Arts) extended the
motion by talking about how women had made
it socially unacceptable for men to readjust
themselves. He suggested to simulate the
discomfort this causes, that women should try
walking round at home with the heater on full
blast and a banana stuffed down their pants.
Elaine replied that it's not the fact that men
feel the need to adjust, but that they take
pleasure from it, that annoys women.
Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) opposed half on
principle and half in an attempt to avoid the
work of writing said letter to women. She
blamed mothers for spoiling their sons by
magically cleaning up after them. I myself
couldn't disagree more although funnily
enough I've noticed that since I left home my
linen bin has broken down. Dirty clothes no
longer show up clean and ironed in the hot
press three days later. I must get mum down to
fix that. It was pointed out to Stephanie that
any inconvenience caused to women was
completely outweighed by the inconvenience of
women's total unavailability for a whole week
every month.
After summations, Donna called for a vote on the
motion, although a point of order was raised
questioning the chair's impartiality on the matter. It was
suggested that a vote be suspended until a
hermaphrodite become available to chair. Donna,
however, felt she could divorce her pain from her chain
and pressed on with the vote. The occasional 'Ay' was
tragically outnumbered by the voluminous 'Nay' and the
motion was defeated, at which point Donna introduced
the guest speaker for Literary Evening, Mr. Paul
Howard, the man behind the legendary character of
Ross O'Caroll-Kelly.
Having witnessed the PMT debate Mr. Howard took it
that, what with all the talk of piss and adjusting one's
balls, swearing must be okay. However we have since
informed him of the Euro fine for every curse word
uttered in the theatre and his agent has been sent an
invoice to the tune of €476, and that's discounting the
'F' word if it's spelled with an 'O'. He started by
explaining the title of his new book, 'Should have got off
at Sydney Parade', and how it represents a metaphor for
coitus interuptus the method of contraception popular
in the late 1970's to which he and his generation owe
their very existence.
Before beginning his readings he explained how his
research for the new book consisted largely of reading
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romance novels, or chick-lit as it's properly known, as
Ross's mother Fionnuala adds to this volume of
literature in the new story with her book 'Criminal
Assets'. He also explained how he developed the voice in
which he could read this material, by impersonating
98FM's micro-celebrity Una Power, whom he said was
the only woman alive who claims to be able to read tarot
cards and palms over the phone. He proceeded to read
an excerpt from 'Criminal Assets' as read by Ross in his
wife's bedroom, with running commentary provided. He
also pointed to the discomfort of reading phrases like,
'those roots may be too big for your window-box' and
'Tulip stems grow up to 18 inches' in front of his father
at a reading the previous evening.
He then went on to explain how charity bake-sales are
the biggest events on the southside in a given year, with
this year's 'Pavlova for Pakistan' narrowly shaving the
'Cheesecake for Cistic Fybrosis' morning. This was in
relation to a piece on Ross' father in which Charles
O'Carroll-Kelly partakes in the women's mini-marathon
as a protest against women joining Portmarnock golf
club. After the piece he said that a crowd from Amnesty
International had given out about the piece at a
previous reading, but that we were seemingly too rich to
care.
In a final piece on Ross's fleeting affairs, while his wife
Sorcha is on Reiki retreat in Wicklow, Paul gave us,
through one of Ross's most engaging rants, four of the
funniest and meanest ways you could possibly insult
someone:
•
'You're thicker than whaleshite.'
•
'You're not actually that nice up close: Every
time I kiss you I feel like I'm landing on the
moon.'
•
'You couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the
instructions were on the heel.'
•
'Shagging you feels like stuffing sausage meat
into a broiler.'
emulated the book by chanting, 'We're rich we're rich'
out the car window and throwing fivers out of the car.
Question: Could you explain the Bob Marley theory?
Answer: Well in the book one of the guys is doing a
Masters Thesis on why all skobies regardless of whether
they're in Harlem, Kingstown or Finglas all love three
things: Fried food, hash and Bob Marley.
Question: Do your books have a point or are they as
blonde as they seem?
Answer: Unfortunately these people are slowly taking
over and it's them we'll have to plead with for a loan in a
few years' time, so yes.
Question: How did you keep yourself sane reading
chick-lit for months on end?
Answer: Let's just say that at the start of the project, I
had perfect vision
At this point Seán O'Quigley explained how since
moving to the country, his life has been a living hell
solely because of Ross O'Carrol-Kelly and country
people's insistence on attempting the words 'loike' and
'roysh' in response to almost everything he says. He
asked how much he'd have to pay Paul Howard to write
a book about a culchie moving to Dublin, in no way
proving himself to have more money than sense. Paul
responded by imagining the literary equivalent of the
sequel of 'Babe', 'Babe, Pig in the City'
And the final question: If I win one of the books, do I get
a hardback?
That was sensibly left unanswered and the meeting was
sensibly left at that. Little remained but for Donna
Cummins to thank profusely the Literary Officer and
our guest whom she insisted, still, on calling Ross. Just
as well she wasn't as casual with Nancy Cartwright.
And with that the two legends called it a noight,
And the crowd applauded in utter deloight,
The gate-keepers beckoned to cast us from soight,
And the crowds dispersed and went off into the noight
That pretty well set the tone for the questions and
answers session, with two T-shirts on offer for the best
two questions as well as the odd free copy of the book:
Question: How do you deal with writers' block?
Answer: A contract which legally obliges you to produce
1,000 words a day pretty well does the trick.
Alternatively I can just go out with my mates and hope
their antics provide me with more inspiration.
Question: Do your friends come back and ask you if
characters have been based on them?
Answer: Well they're all in there, they just don't get to
find out who they are. The tricky bit is when they start
claiming that they're owed loyalties and you have to tell
them that, err, no, they're not.
Question: Will Ross ever sort himself out?
Answer: Well Ross only got a job in property because he
has no soul, but there is talk of putting him out into the
PAYE World and giving him the worst job imaginable.
Interjection: You mean teaching?
Answer: Well I was gonna say emptying tampon bins,
but yeah, teaching sounds about right.
Question: Do you realise half the girls in Loretto
Foxrock spend their nights in night-study reading the
books?
Answer: Yeah it's actually the plan to get one of them
onto the leaving cert, but that was dealt a blow when a
group of Rock boys actually drove to Tallaght and
26
Meeting VIII, Thursday, 9th November, 2006: Literary
Evening with Gerard Stembridge
With the entire campus on the literary buzz, the officer
then attempted a more ambitious exercise, billed by
this secretary as the 'book jam', where two recently
published authors, both famed for work elsewhere in
the media, would do a joint reading and discussion of
one another's work for an audience in the Society's
spiritual home of the Aula Maxima. But just as we
readied to greet Gerard Stembridge and Myles
Dungan, a last-minute scheduling error left the former
dining, and later reading, without the latter. Filling in
for Mr. Dungan at the last minute, the Literary Officer
donned his tie and took to the stage to conduct an
almost impromptu interview. PMT was not in play, so
he'd have to go in cold, hoping desperately that the
wine and cheese would make both audience and
subject receptive to his questioning.
'Nay' said the auditor 'please give me some time,
For our fastest rising star will come and rescue the
occasion,
And make a night fit for those of literary persuasion'
The public interview is a delicate art. One has always
three key actors to bear in mind, the guest, the audience
and the agent who booked the guest to shift copies of
the relevant book, tape or line of women's underwear.
Quite like the farmer with the fox, the turkey and the
bag of corn, it is difficult to serve one party's interests
simultaneously without the other's being devoured:
Putting the guest under the kosh by asking whether the
book would sit more comfortably alongside the short
stories of Chaucer or Chekhov is just running the risk of
awkward silences and long sighs where as questions
beginning with, 'And just once more, the book is
called...', send audiences straight to Cringeville. The
happy medium is to be akin to an exercise bike: Don't
cause strain but merely provide enough resistance so
that the guest looks impressive and slowly builds a
rapport with his audience. Literary Officer, Dan Colley
found that medium majestically and his performance
alone earned my warm congratulations.
But nobody could accuse our guest of being anything
but a perfect fit for the job at hand. Gerry Stembridge
approached the stage unassumingly, spoke with charm,
self-deprivation and vivacious humour. He read
gleefully from his debut novel, ''According to Luke'' but
seemed in no way anxious to stay on message for the
evening. Thus a meandering conversation ensued in
which he spoke of the art of storytelling and how he
discovered that if one has a story to tell, there is a
correct form for that story, be it a 30-second joke, a
radio play or a film. He referred to his involvement in
the film industry as a process of 'constant foreplay'
during which one spends so much time drafting,
redrafting, meeting producers, editorial teams and
generally setting the stage, that one wonders will they
ever get down to the dirty work.
He revealed to the crowd that he was both an ex-Auditor
of the L&H in UCD and a former winner of the Irish
Times, and in answer to the question of whether his
involvement with debating at university level had
affected his thinking and his outlook, he said that while
the discipline may not have had a lasting effect on him,
that the people most definitely had. He made special
mention of the students who had come through Jesuit
education and most especially to their mothers who
used fill the L&H members full of food after every
meeting. He referred to this demographic as the fillet of
Dublin 4 and 6 as opposed to the Blackrock College
graduates, the rich and thick cream of the South County.
When asked about Scrap Saturday, he destroyed the
commonly held image of himself and Dermot Morgan
heading up a comedic team who would bounce ideas of
one another, but said rather that much of the work for
Scrap Saturday was done alone, either by himself or by
Dermot, where as when they spent time together,
nothing would get done and Dermot would waste all his
energy and talent in conversation. Of his own input, he
claimed to have strived to give the programme a sharp
satirical purpose which might otherwise have been
lacking and stressed the personal importance he placed
in always taking on the big targets, the important people
making the decisions.
So to the book: He explained the structure and how it is
narrated by several members of one extended family all
of whom have been affected by a corruption scandal and
the public disgrace of Frank, the father of the title
character, Luke. He linked his readings to the themes of
the day in modern Ireland such as wealth, corruption
and whether our wealth is slowly corrupting us. He said
that while once upon a time Irish people were poor but
felt respectable, the country's new-found wealth had
made us less poor and less respectable and said that we
are all one step away from scurrying back into our preCeltic Tiger hole. He said that the Nice Treaty was a
telling moment when the Irish stopped voting proEurope when they no longer stood to get any money
from them, but would instead have to contribute to
poorer nations.
He also talked about his decision to use real names of
politicians and to describe events such as the death of
Pope John Paul II to set the contextual backdrop for the
novel. He said that only in ten years or so will he know
whether that backdrop will still be identifiable to the
next generation of readers. He also warned any English
students planning to read the book to keep their eyes
peeled for the unreliable narrator, who raises his or her
ugly head at oft' times throughout and to be most wary
of all of the narrator who attempts to make him/herself
sound like the reliable one.
My personal favourite reading is from the perspective of
Luke's cousin, Barry, and talks about how the two meet
for the first time since childhood to go and see Mayo
playing Kerry in the All-Ireland final. Though initially
they barely recognise one another, Luke becomes the
first person to openly notice that Barry has had 'work
done' on his face, a nose job to be precise. But amid this
seemingly carefree and beautifully wistful dialogue,
there emerges the sinister reality that Luke's real
27
motivation for bringing his cousin to Dublin is to
uncover another layer of his Father's affairs, which
possesses him so firmly that his cousin's affection seems
not to faze him.
Perhaps the most interesting question from the floor
was regarding the sister character, a strong ideological
postgraduate student, whose perspective Gerry
admitted was a hard one for him to access. She holds
deep in great contempt her father's actions but still
treats him warmly and with affection. The question was
with regards Éimear Haughey and whether Gerry could
see the analogies. Gerry pointed out that the big
difference was that the father character in this book
does have his misdeeds revealed to the public, as
opposed to Haughey, who died comfortably without
ever doing the great confessional interview, thus
allowing his family to cling to some semblance of
respectability and pride.
On departing the Aula Maxima, Gerry wished us good
luck with the rest of the year and noted with amusement
the visit of Ian Paisley Jnr. in January for the Northern
Ireland debate. He recounted that before the first
debate in his term as L&H Auditor in September 1979,
he had invited then Rev., now Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley Snr.
to speak on the motion that 'This House believes that
the Papal visit reaffirms our theocracy.' The Reverend's
considered handwritten reply read as follows: 'I fail to
see how the visit of a Pope to a foreign country would be
of any interest to me'.
And so it ended and the crowds descended as Donna called out to the plebs:
'We've taken the 'lit' back out of 'clit' and put it back in Lit & Deb',
The gate-keepers came, their eyes now blurry, to cast us from their sight,
And the crowds dispersed still joyous and merry and went off into the night
28
Meeting IX, Thursday, 16th November, 2006: The Rossport
Debate
The Irish Agriculture and Food Authority, Teagasc,
were event sponsors for the highly topical debate on
the motion that This House Would Send Shell to
Sea. Members were thanked for choosing our event
over an alternative debate elsewhere in the College on
the motion that 'This House Would Send Teagasc to sea
in a boat with the Rossport 5 and the whole county of
Mayo', hosted by the Blood-Thirsty Capitalist Society
and jointly sponsored by Shell and Halliburton, despite
their promise of an iPod and a full year's free heating
for the best speech in proposition. It was also noted
that after three consecutive single-speaker events, that
a return to adversarial debating around a hot-button
issue would be just what the doctor ordered to ward off
any artistic inclinations which might have been
festering among the members.
•
•
•
For tonight we welcome our sponsors Teagasc,
And the guy who writes my rhymes has gone on strike'
The evening's first item of business was performed by
Corresponding Secretary, Ms. Stephanie Joyce ,her first
such public performance duty of the year after we
received correspondence for the first time in the session.
Correspondence came from Mr. Beartla De Burca.
Diligent readers will recall the motion passed in October
that Mr. DeBurca be sent as an envoy of Lit&Deb to
negotiate with the Government of China, a country the
Society has been at war with since the 1970's. His letter
described the treaty he had negotiated with the
administration, in which China agreed to recognise our
borders should we recognise a greater China which
includes Tibet and Taiwan. He did also pass on Chinese
concerns about Lit&Deb's current Government.
Apparently, they're a few years behind over there and
the idea of blonde female leadership still kinda freaks
them out. Despite the fact that Stephanie and Beartla
are very different people with very different world
views, Steph's delivery of the letter did sound uncannily
like her own usual speaking voice.
So with that done, Donna invited a first motion for
Private Member's Time which came from Seán Butler
(1st Arts) who proposed that This House would
abolish social welfare.
•
•
•
•
•
made the important distinction between a
Government stealing and a Government
redistributing, the type of distinction one
would have expected to hear later on in the
evening between 'oil-spill' and 'minor
infraction'.
Shane Duey (1st Engineering) proposed on the
grounds that this motion might alienate Arts
graduates and force them to take the jobs in
McDonalds which they feel are beneath them.
Roisin McGrogan (SU Welfare Officer) said
that social welfare is designed to build
sustainable wealth for future generations.
Orlaith O'Connor (2nd Arts) kept up the
marginal utility chat, before giving up on the
facts and figures and going hard-line Kevin
Myers, with talk of career mothers in Moyross
Co. Limerick who have kids in order to hop on
the social welfare gravy train.
All this was getting to me so I boarded my own
train eastwards and spoke about how the Irish
Government having attracted business and to
Ireland should make no apologies for trying to
redistribute that wealth.
Dan Colley (2nd Arts) talked about education as
an example of misplaced social welfare and
said that people excel more in education when
they pay for it, in Cambridge for example. Dan
went to the Cambridge Intervarsity the
following weekend by the way. Just in case you
didn’t hear, about Cambridge like.
Finally Steven Feeney (3rd Arts) said that
America is an example of a country with
inadequate Social Welfare and that this had led
to a fundamentally unjust society.
A litany of heckles referring to Robin Hood reminded
me of an Eddie Izzard sketch in which Robin Hood
attempts to steal from the rich, only to find that the rich
are not in fact rich, just comfortable. 'What do you mean
comfortable? That's no good. I steal from the rich and
give to the poor. I can't steal from the comfortable and
give to the moderately impoverished.'
In any case the motion was defeated.
A second motion came from Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts)
Seán said that, with the exception of the
who proposed that This House Believes Enough is
mentally handicapped, nobody in Ireland has
Enough
an excuse in 2006 not to find a job. He said
•
He said that the time had come for the
that issuing weekly dole payments from money
Democratic Unionist Party to agree to share
taken from working citizens to people who
power with Sinn Féin and to restore
elect to do nothing is akin to rewarding
democratic institutions to the North. He said
laziness. Unfortunately, we know what Seán
that Sinn Féin had every right not to support
did last Summer. He did nothing. And got paid
the PSNI until they are in a position to reform
for it. In fairness Seán did say that he should
it and that it was a farce that nationalist
not have been allowed do that but did not rule
ministers be expected to pledge allegiance to
out doing another stint of nothing next
the Queen. He concluded saying that we, in the
Summer.
Republic, should do away with the Mé Féin
rd
Paddy Cluskey (3 Arts) formally opposed on
attitude that the North isn’t our responsibility
the ground that everyone is entitled to a basic
and that they’re not even Irish.
standard of living and that we can't all be
•
Martin Collins (Law) gave a gem of a speech
adopted by Madonna in order to reach that. He
29
•
•
for those who love analogies. He said that
Northern Ireland stands at a crossroads and
while we do need to continue down the road
we’ve been on, we also need to ensure that
there isn’t a train coming from either side. He
then quoted Winston Churchill in saying it’s
better to have them inside the tent pissing out
than outside the tent pissing in, intending to
convey that the DUP can’t agree step onto a
train with Sinn Féin without a guarantee that
they won’t piss all over that agreement.
Then it got crazy. Fresh from his visit to China,
Beartla De Burca (3rd Arts) propose building a
wall around Northern Ireland and allowing the
two communities to decorate the wall with
aggressive graffiti until the entire affair should
come to a head. A procedural motion to have
Beartla DeBurca go to the border and build the
wall himself was narrowly defeated, probably
in fear of how many more letters he could get
written in that time.
Sinéad Barry (2nd Commerce) asked if it was
sensible to try to unite Ireland ideologically by
dividing it physically. She said that rather than
building a wall we should instead leave the
people of the North to their own devices,
although did not specify what devices to which
she was referring.
That motion was defeated as well. And with that Donna
introduced the evening’s highly topical, all-student
debate on the motion that This House believes Shell
belong at Sea.
•
•
•
•
opposed to the pipeline were opposed to
progress. He said that the pressure of the
pipeline had been reduced to 144 bars to come
in line with standards in Britain. He said there
was no evidence of corruption in the planning
process and then told us that planning was
approved during Ray Burke’s term as
Environment Minister. Makes more sense
when you say the two things out loud, doesn’t
it Tony?
At this point the motion was opened to the floor.
•
•
•
•
Richard Mantem (2nd Eng.) said that the Irish
Government has been expanding the scope of
compulsory purchase orders over two decades
to facilitate projects like this. He said that Irish
natural resources should be nationalized.
Dan Colley then offered perhaps the most
sensible argument from the entire opposition
which is that Shell will always look after Shell’s
best interest and right now nothing is less in
their interest in terms of profit or PR than a
major spillage or an explosion in Co. Mayo.
Conor Kelly (1st Arts) asked a very simple
question. If it is safer to treat the gas at sea
then why wouldn’t we do that? It was so
sensible that he asked it twice and then sat
down.
Mike Devaney (4th Science) said that Shell has
invested in this country through the
appropriate process and that it’s too late to pull
the plug on them now.
Seán Gaugan (1st Arts) asked whether it was
realistic for the 34 landowners who sold their
land for premium rates to express principled
objections when offered substantial sums. He
said that to expect elderly Mayo landowners to
have knowledge of the projects to which they
lend tacit support is unrealistic.
Sinéad Barry said we shouldn’t oppose the
pipeline simply because no such project has
been undertaken before. She said that the fact
that something is experimental and new
shouldn’t render it reprehensible and that
infrastructure depends on new innovations.
Most amusingly, she said that we shouldn’t
take propaganda as gospel, before being asked
on information, aren’t the gospels themselves
propaganda?
Having rediscovered my love for my own voice,
I saddled back up onto my high horse and said
that Shell will only ensure the safety as the
region for as long as it takes them to drain it
and that slow leakage over a number of years is
a hazard which they may neglect.
Alan Lyons (2nd Arts) talked of how we depend
on private business to supply us with energy
and pointed to the Russian national gas
company as evidence of his point. Works if you
have it, I suppose.
Finally Michael McHugh (1st Eng) asked what
is the real probability of an incident and
whether we should base our actions on this
minute possibility.
•
James Hope (2nd Arts) opened the case for the
proposition, saying that this was a debate
about safety and environmental concerns. He
said that to pump gas through shifting bogland
at 345 bar pressure was a recipe for disaster.
He said that Shell had consistently ignored
independent findings and that, as a result, the
•
waters of Broadhaven Bay, a traditional mating
ground for Dolphins and Whales, were at risk
of being polluted and not even a hundred new
jobs balances out the loss of a cute baby
dolphin.
Mike Spring (2nd Arts) opposed on the grounds
that moving Shell to sea would send a message
to the world that Ireland is aggressive towards
business. He said we stand to gain cheaper oil
from the move and gave us perhaps the quote
•
of the evening saying that 'bog land is an awful
lot more stable than you give it credit for.' It
was, however, difficult to take him seriously as
he stood behind a DIY poster which read
‘Support your local evil corporation’.
Vincent Lacey (3rd Arts) said that Shell’s profits
•
cannot be prioritized over the safety of a
community. He said that this untried
experiment is being conducted 200 meters
from the houses of civilians and gave a list of
chemicals which could be seeping into the bog
•
around their homes. For all I know about
chemistry he could have said Radion, Calgon
and Aerial Automatic, but it sounded
impressive.
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) said that those With that, summations were called for and the speakers
30
and sponsors were thanked for their involvement. With
the aid of a recount, the motion was then passed. The
meeting adjourned, but not before the Auditor wished
every success to the society's representatives readying
themselves to travel to Cambridge. (Some success was
recorded, with Seán Butler correctly identifying the
World Wrestling Federation as the theme upon which
the wording for the competition's notorious open
motions. At least Seán's state-sponsored Summer's
hibernation wasn't entirely without benefit to society.)
Debating the scourge of unemployment, the political
standstill in the North and the slow destruction of our
eco-system in exchange for gas money over the course
of a single evening does take its toll. I went straight
home but I’m sure the chat in DeBurgo’s afterwards was
no end of fun.
And with that it ended and no more could we rant,
And as we left the theatre, we broke into a chant,
'She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore,
But there’s a gas-pipe there now so she can’t anymore!'
With that the gatemen beckoned us and cast us from their sight,
And the crowds all did disperse and went off into the night
31
Meeting X, Thursday 23rd November, 2006: The Torture
Debate
Many would have called that a term. But the executive
still had one fish to butter up and fry. The most talked
about first year in the history of NUIG, the mature
student who caused concourse crowds to part in awe
for the duration of his short semester studying the
hitherto undersubscribed combination of English and
Oceanography, the Hollywood legend who ate ins An
Bhialann with the rest of us, and with his security
detail far behind him on the set of The West Wing.
Martin Sheen became the first first year on record to
chair a Lit&Deb main business and did so with
incredible grace.
The debate, though secondary in the minds of many
audience members was on the important motion that
'This House Believes that Torture is a Legitimate
Weapon in the War on Terror.' While the 'War on
Terror' often has a fictitious feel to it, this debate
brought to an end to a semester in which the Society
was at war in a very real sense, with a foe only yards
down the concourse, that of the Film Society whose free
student cinema in the O'Flaherty had coincided directly
with our start of business. For once, on this occasion,
we held had Hollywood star power on our side!
•
•
'Nay' said the auditor, 'Please give me some time,
For tonight I can pass on the chain and the chair,
To a fine looking first year with a fine head of hair
•
A packed Kirwan waited expectantly. But wait they
would have to as not Mr. Sheen but the every bit as
formidable Ms. Cummins took to the podium for the
final time in 2006, to survey a theatre which had now
been full more often than not since September. And
with the brother of a tortured terror suspect flanking
Mr. Sheen in the wings, no doubt the Auditrix knew that
controversy was not far away. But not half as far as she
could have suspected.
The first and only Private Members Time motion of the
night was proposed by Mr. Dan Colley (2nd Arts) and it
was that This House would end funding to
University Gay Societies.
•
•
Dan opened by telling all assembled that
himself is in fact gay. Just as well this wasn't
the first time he'd told someone this as it might
otherwise have gone down as the most hostile
reaction to someone coming out of the closet
since they beheaded Stephen Gately. He said
that societies are formed to bring together
people who share hobbies and a sexuality is not
a hobby but a facet of one's personality. He
said it was undesirable for gay people coming
to college to cling to a society for support and
said that to separate yourself from the general
university populus because one feels isolated is
a self-perpetuating action. He questioned
whether any so-called gay community should
be formed and defined in distinction from a
broader university community.
Formal opposition came from Mr. Jeffery
Rocket (2nd Arts). He said that while being gay
may be no big deal for some, the hurt attached
•
•
to being the object of ridicule and aggression
during the most sensitive years of one’s life is a
very big deal for some. He said his own socierty
GIG (Gay in Galway) Soc provide a social and
emotional outlet for gay people on campus,
some of whom need such support to feel
comfortable.
Cathy Egan (3rd Law) said that gay societies do
more harm than good to the gay cause by
creating a perception of promiscuity among its
members and questioned whether society
members should be the first port of call for
those struggling with their sexuality,
suggesting professional counsellors or the
Welfare Officer as alternatives.
Seán Bryceland (Students' Union Development
Officer) said that GigSoc provides a social
outlet for gay people in the same way that Lit &
Deb provides a social outlet for debaters. Now
I’ve heard debating called a lot of things, from
elitist to cliquish to hollow, but never have I
heard it classified as a sexuality. That said, at
least in debating we stick with the one partner
for the entire weekend.
Sharon Dillon-Lyons (HLM) said that she
believed there to be no such thing as gay issues
and that marriage, blood donation etc. are Civil
Rights issues which should be sought by the
entire community, not just the gay community.
Furthermore she said that when gay lobbies
foster these issues as their own, they are
pigeon-holed as extremist views and no-one
listens except those already convinced.
Muireann O’Dwyer (2nd Arts) opposed saying
that if GigSoc has made one person feel more
secure in themselves and in their sexuality,
then it’s worth every penny of funding the
University gives, a sentiment which perhaps
best represented the entire opposition line.
Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) added to the
opposition by saying that for someone whose
emergence from the closet had been less of an
emphatic than smooth, that having someone
who can empathise based on similar
experience is infinitely more useful than seeing
a councillor.
The crowd voted overwhelmingly in opposition to the
motion and as far as I’m aware, it hasn’t been spoken of
since.
But after that wake-me-up, it was time for Donna to
part with her beloved chain, and to sit in the dark corner
sulking about how much better it looked on Martin
Sheen, and wondering how she never got the cheer he
got when taking to the lectern.
Balance was always going to be an issue with a motion
so reprehensible to so many. So to give the proposition
some weight, two of Ireland's competitive debating
heavy weights Lorcan Price (1st LLB) and Derek Lande
Deptuty Chief Adjudicator of the 2007 World
Championships on the pro-torture side. Of course I
32
mean heavy-weights purely in the sense of their
rhetorical abilities and also in the amount of water
displaced when they both dive into a swimming pool.
The chair introduced the motion, that This house
believes that torture is a legitimate tool in the
War on Terror. In an honourable and desperate
attempt to take the spotlight off himself and onto the
issue, the chair warned that the issue is very much a live
one, given that the constitutionality of torture is due to
come before the US Supreme Court within the next 18
months.
•
•
•
•
Lorcan Price decided to get the crowd onside
early by deviating slightly from the motion as
advertised and instead put a new motion
before the house, namely that Martin Sheen
should stay on at NUIG and run for auditor of
the 161st session. This needless to say was
passed unanimously but rumour has it that the
Vice-Auditor may have given him the wrong
date and venue for our AGM in March.
Lorcan went on to eventually touch briefly on
torture, saying that if torture could be
legislated for in a measured and legally formal
way that a judge should be allowed issue a
warrent for a prisoner's torture if they believe
it could circumvent an immediate risk to the
wider population.
Abu Alzakar, brother of Omar Alzakar a
prisoner in Guantanamo Bay told the story of
how Omar was arrested crossing the border
from Pakistaan into Afghanistaan and tortured
in Guantanamo to the point at which he lost
sight in one eye. He said that Lorcan's case
assumed that the person in captivity knows the
details of an imminant attack which is seldom
true in terrorist networks.
Derek Lande, the all seeing eye of Irish
debating said that he wasn't just here to make
up the numbers on proposition but that he
genuinely does take pleasure in clubbing baby
seals and making fun of minorities. He said
that it is an unfortunate fact that sometimes
law needs to be based on necessity and
protection and asked the pivotal question of
the entire debate, namely 'what would Jack
Bower do?' Presumably the answer is club baby
seals until they tell us where the bomb is.
Derek said that terror is on the move in
Chechnya and Baghdad and that while it is
always important to protect rights, the
potential loss of thousands of lives is sufficient
reason to occasionally wave some such rights.
Former All-Ireland Schools winner currently
and star in the one-man show 'Jesus, the
Guantanamo Years', Abie Philman-Bowman,
said that the reality of torture is that the only
information it produces is false information,
motivated only by a desire not to be beaten or
drowned any further. He said proper
procedure in law should be to try those with
evidence against them not to punish those on
the offchance of involvement with a crime not
yet committed and said that with such a
strategy, the US could only stand to loose
hearts and minds.
With the motion now open to the floor, it soon became
apparent that both the crowd and Mr. Sheen were at
times, winging it a little. In spite of Abie's warnings that
this might get a little one-sided, several speakers did
decide to speak on the opposite side to the side they had
committed to speaking on. Meanwhile the chair formed
a friendly alliance with the Clerk of the House. 'I
understand that a certain Ms. O'Connor will be ringing a
bell to indicate that your time is up and that her
decision on that matter is final.' There's one for the
grandkids, Orlaith.
•
Beginning this trend was Mr. Kevin McGuire
who asked the key question, if a member of the
New York Yankees was found to be in breach of
the law should the police arrest the entire team
on the grounds of baseball being a menace to
society. He said that we should be wary that of
through ignoring rendition through our
airports, Ireland lends tacit support to
'modern-day concentration camps'.
•
In proposition, Martin Collins (HLM), though
wary of the chair's impatience and reliance on
Miss O'Connor to interrupt overly lengthy
contributions, managed to give a thorough
assessment of how we have retrospectively
formed an international legal system post
WW2 to prevent any threats to our civilisation
and that torture may be a necessary weapon
against those who seek to bring down that
civilisation.
•
In opposition, Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) said
that when the West takes and tortures
prisoners without ever applying the rigours of
our own legal framework that we make martyrs
of potential criminals and further damage
perception of the West.
•
In prop, Ronan Harrington (2nd Arts) said that
US foreign policy has given torture a bad name
but that the reality of terrorists is that they
move in small circles and once such a circle has
been penetrated it is necessary to get
information on all its cells by whatever means
necessary.
•
In op Conor Kelly (1st Arts) did some wonderful
mathematics in assessing the validity of
testimony from someone who may be a
member of a terrorist cell, who may be
connected with others in other cells, who may
be planning an attack which he may know
about, given the offchance that he may lie
calculating if every 'may' represents a halfing of
the validiy, that the certainty of the evidence is
therefore reduced from 100 to roughly 6.5%.
Not bad given, compared to calculation some
months back that to pay players to play GAA
would cost Lit & Deb 100 billion dollars.
•
Speaking on the motion, Niamh Mc Nally (1st
Arts) asked speakers to remember that when
assessing the human ethics of torture, we must
first consider the torture victim to be
dehumanised in the eyes of the other.
•
In the final floor speech in opposition, Dave
Finn (HLM) said that surely we'd have heard
more about the rip-roaring success of torture if
it truly was a success, citing the false murder
confessions of Dean Lyons following 'intense
interrogation' by the Gardaí as a recent
33
example in Irish history of its failure.
•
•
•
•
Lorcan summated by reiterating that when it
comes to mass national security, all means
need to be considered, particularly in the era of
the War on Terror and, coming soon, the War
on All Euphamisms.
Abu Alzakar asked that when voting, students
consider whether they themselves would allow
torture be done onto themselves or their
families.
Derek pulled a phrase out of the top drawer of
West Wing quotes namely 'Post hoc ergo
proctor hoc', a logical fallacy meaning that
because something precedes an event, it must
therefore have caused that event. The quote
was offered in the absence of having anything
substantive to add to the debate.
Abie concluded the debate with two ways of
defeating terror. Either kill everyone who's
afraid, or tell people not to fear any longer.
And with that, Martin Sheen made his public exit from
life at NUI Galway, only after signing autographs,
standing into photographs and offering Orlaith
O'Connor a position as personal aid to the President in
the West Wing Series 8, in which former President
Bartlett declares himself supreme leader of everything.
And just in case the viewers don't buy the idea of a greyhaired dictator, Lit & Deb have sent Mr. Sheen a care
package of Just for Men with his Christmas card.
Much credit must go as always to the auditor viceauditor tag-team of Paddy and Donna who proved once
again that stalking people until they say 'yes' just to get
rid of you is as valid a method as any of getting what one
wants. Beats how Ógrá Sinn Féin get their guests, I
suppose.
And so it ended and one did overhear,
'Well that put a sheen on not a half-bad half year',
The gatekeepers beckoned, their Christmas hats on,
And cried to us 'Off with ye, now, begone'
34
Meeting XI, Thursday, 15th January, 2007: The Pádraic
Nally Debate
So at half time, a clear lead had been established over
the dreaded bogeyman of student apathy, with six full
Kirwan's under the belt. (Perhaps five and a half
considering that the Halloween meeting was full at the
beginning and empty by the end.) Now would come the
true test, however, as a glance at the term card for
Semester II suggested less in the way of headline
names and mass sex appeal and more in the way of
subtle issues of interest to certain target markets.
Tapping those target markets would be a whole new
ball game, and the first meeting of the Semester set the
tone in many ways.
The trial and acquittal of Pádraic Nally of the
manslaughter of one John 'Frog' Ward, a traveller
accused of repeatedly invading Mr. Nally's property,
had drawn great attention in the media over a range
of issues. To debate these issues, a leading member of
the campaign for Nally's innocence, Paddy Rock, spoke
in proposition of the motion that This House
Believes that a man's home is his castle and
that he should be allowed defend it by any
means they see fit.
•
•
•
'Nay', said the auditor, 'please give me some time,
For it gives me such pleasure to see you all back,
Your faces so red after Santa Claus' sack,
Has no doubt been unloaded in all of your homes,
Now let's proceed with our business without heckles
or groans
•
The meeting began on a sombre note with Mark
Hanniffy (Science Postgrad) proposing that This
House Would express its sympathy with the
family of Seán McGrain and explained that Mr.
McGrain was a former treasurer of the society who had
passed away during the week after and extensive career
as a journalist. Mr. Hanniffy said that his was a great
loss to the Irish State. The motion was passed without
opposition.
•
The second motion of PMT was put to the house by Mr.
Conor Kelly (1st Arts), who proposed that This House
would invade Equatorial Guinea.
•
Clearly having finally decided that there is
more to Google Earth than spying on your
attractive neighbours in Corrib Village, Conor
gave us a canned description of the strategic
geographical position which Equatorial Guinea
enjoys. He described a future for the Lit&Deb
secured through control of the seemingly
abundant natural resources, including oil.
Furthermore, the inability of its 1000-man
army to defend its borderes renders it a soft
target for our forces. I couldn't help thinking
that with an abundance of oil, zero defence and
an apparent dictatorship suggests then it's only
a matter of time before someone invades them
anyway and it may as well be the benevolent
dictators club of Lit & Deb that does so. He did
clarify that this would be a liberation for the
people of Equatorial Guinea, presumably
meaning that we'd be liberating them of all
their oil.
Vincent Lacey (3rd Arts) opposed on the
grounds that it may be difficult to get the
citizens of an invaded people to sign up to
mine resources for the foreign invader, not
least because very few of them have the literacy
to write their own name, but also because they
may be a bit busy starting up an auld
insurgency against us.
Cathy Egan (3rd Law) ever the opportunist saw
which way the house was going and decided to
get her foot in their early on the fledgling
colony, offering herself as first lady to Conor
during his term as supreme leader of
Equatorial Guinea. She asked that when he is
counting his millions, that he remember who it
was who first stood by him-in a skirt.
Anthony Doherty (3rd Arts) opposed on
practical grounds, asking if Simon Mann, an
ex-SAS leader and Sir Mark Thatcher the son
of one of the most feared women on earth
could fail in their attempted a coup in
Equatorial Guinea in 2003, then what chance
should we have?
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) said that a proper
and glorious war could be good for our country
as there is a lack of aggression among young
men in Ireland, as evidenced most Saturday
nights in Galway city. He said that such a war
could be the radiography which kills the cancer
which is male non-aggression.
Beartla DeBurca (3rd Arts) came dangerously
close to being sent as a Lit & Deb envoy to
estimate the precise strength of the Guinean
army during his meandering opposition speech
in which he contended that no matter how
much you hate your dictatorial leader, you
always hate an invader more and that we
would only engender support for the dear
leader.
This hearalded the end of PMT and the beginning of
main business, in which the motion that This House
Believes that a man's home is his castle and that
he should be allowed defend it by any means
they see fit.
35
•
James Hope (3rd Arts) opened the debate for
the proposition, asking the thought-provoking
question as to whether the fact that Britain has
twice as many burglaries burglaries per capita
than the US might have something to do with
the knowledge among burglars that should
they break into a house that they may be shot
by the homeowner. He said that once someone
has made it onto your property it has failed in
its duty to protect you, and at that point it's
time for you to take the safety of yourself and
your loved ones into your own hands and
•
•
•
asked why we should criminalise the victim of
crime.
For a man who thought he was gonna be
speaking on the opposite of the house, Tony
McDonnell came very close to ending the
debate entirely from 1st Opposition. He said
that the notion of victimhood shifts from the
proprietor to the burglar, and with it the
sympathy of the law and the public, as soon as
the burglar is dead. He said that it's almost
impossible to rely on the testimonies of the two
people present and for a jury to assess how real
a threat a person poses. Finally he said that the
reason we pay attention to cases such as that of
Pádraig Nally is because it is an anomoly and
not representative of any broader problem in
Irish society. Though very cohesive, his
argument was stunted slightly by a point of
information in which James suggested that if
Tony were a true republican he would
appreciate that a bit of land is often worth
bloodshed.
Our guest for the evening Paddy Rock read a
very well-considered piece on the home and it's
value in which he called on the Justice Minister
to legislate for those who feel victimised by
intruders who have no right to be on their
property and said that failing such legislation,
he and many like him will live with the
consequences of defending their home and
family.
Dan Colley (2nd Arts) tried to combat Mr.
Rock's heartfelt sentiment by going for some
big principles such as the idea of the individual
as being smaller than the society that we live in
and that their personal concerns cannot take
precedence over the security and well being of
the overall society. He said that those who feel
victimised should be looking not to the
shotgun in their attic but to the institutions we
set up to implement the Rule of Law to defend
them against intruders.
•
•
•
•
•
•
Upon the motion being thrown to the floor there was at
first a reluctance to speak in proposition and for a while
it felt less like a debate and more like the prosecution
case against Pádraig Nally, or perhaps a parent-teacher
association meeting in Columbine high school.
•
•
•
First off, Kieran Emery (3rd Arts) said that the
reason John Ward is dead and that there has
been no consequence for Pádraig Nally, is
because John Ward was a traveller and said
that it is he who has been truly failed by the
State. He reminded the house that Ward was
shot in the back of the head on a public road
and that no justification that Mr. Nally was
under immediate threat could be offered.
Mike Spring (2nd Arts) said that no human life
could be valued less than a piece of property.
He said that the logical outcome of this policy
would be better armed burglars and inevitably,
more death.
Paddy Clusky (3rd Arts) spoke on the motion,
saying that when a man sits in fear in his shed
for 6 months, then they have been truly failed
by the State but that perhaps the answer was
•
for there to be greater reprocussions provided
by the State for such intrusion.
On a point of information, Sinéad Barry asked
was it not right that a man should defend his
right not only to life but to a quality of life
aswell.
I then stood up and asked if legislating for gun
ownership as a means to defend one's property
will make the world more or less safe for the
children of Mr. Rock and everyone else. I asked
how far the concepts of defence and quality of
life could be extended and whether we were
merely legislating for instantaneous events or
for a broader justification for violence. The
crowd did seem to be buying the hippy pacifist
rant until I started talking about a bad cultural
vibe at which point I lost the last few believers.
Dave Finn (HLM) told the house that I was the
worst type of liberal, a wishy-washy one,
because I had ignored the reality that people
want land and they will instinctively fight for it
and that while this measure may have the
occasional casualty, that rational Irish people
aren't just going to shoot every passing
Jehovah's witness. They better not either
because I'm led to believe that those guys
aren't comfortable with bloodloss.
Hannah McGinny said that all men should be
innocent until proven guilty but that John
Ward will never have his chance to defend
himself legally. She asked how, on a human
level, we can condone bloodshed and broken
bones. Unfortunately she did stray into the
territory both of pleading John Ward's
innocence questioning Pádraig Nally's own
character, which would prove unpopular as the
debate progressed.
Seán Butler (1st Arts) asked the simple question
of when a citizen feels threatened how long
should they wait for the State to intervene and
contended that they are they only actor who
can gague the necessity for immediate action.
Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) said that there must
be a distinction in the debate between
defending the home and defending life, which
is condoned in law. She asked whether this
sends out a message that criminals cannot be
extracted from this situation, jailed and
rehabilitated.
George Moran, a Science graduate said that the
State has failed too many to justify homeowners trusting them any more and said that
everyone suffers in a case such as Ward vs.
Nally.
At this point Donna returned to the main business
speakers to summate their argument. Bizarrely both
James and Tony made and effort to distance themselves
from some of the arguments made on their respective
sides:
•
James said that he had argued from first
principles as the details of the Ward Nally case
may not constitute a fair example of defence of
property, but that he maintained that in the
situation of intrusion, one or other person's
rights must be sacraficed and that he would
rather it were those of the victim of the original
36
•
•
•
crime.
Tony on the other hand, spoke out against
attempts to drag Pádraig Nally's good name
through the mud and questioned whether Frog
Ward's loss should be lamented as strongly as
it had been. He also clarified that the 'public
road' refered to leads only to the Nally estate.
Nonetheless he said that nothing about the
current law suggests a need to endow homeowners with further rights.
Mr. Rock said that even as a gun-owner
himself he would not wish to see a gun in every
household. He said with regards Mr. Nally,
however he would rather have him as a friend
than as a statistic, like so many others have
become at the hands of intruders.
Dan finished up by saying that once you
concede the principle that individuals can
gague threat to themselves then you are
legislating for the irrational actions of someone
living in fear and said that this can only lead
inevitably to the creation of a more violent
society. He did note also that Dave Finn had
disappeared just as quickly and stealthily as he
had arrived and presumed he had gone to get
his beretta and lock himself in his outhouse
presumably until next Thursday when he
makes his next Zoro-like appearance at his one
dear respite.
During the week, I met an apologetic student who had
missed the meeting because of his commitment to the
Galway University Musical Society, but asked
nonetheless, 'who won it in the end? Nally?... Or... God?'
To which I answered that the motion was defeated and
that they could count that as a victory for God, justice
and all things good and true.
Much worse than being a house of lies, the meeting
revealed that we are a house of contradictions: On the
one hand, we voted in favour of the invasion of an
innocent African country for the purpose of securing
natural resources and yet so filled are we with liberal
self-loathing that we voted against the right of those
who would occupy that land to defend it and the castles
they would build upon it from the natives.
And so it ended, and Paddy Rock walked care-free,
And hurried off for a night-cap á chez Nally,
The gate-keepers beckoned to cast us from sight,
37
Meeting XII, Thursday, 22nd January, 2007: The Maiden
Speakers' Competition
The Maiden Speakers Competition kicked off with two
very tough semi-finals on Tuesday the 19th in dispute
of the motion that This House Would Criminalise
the Payment of Ransom, from which six fair
maidens emerged to contest for the coveted trophy, in
the hope of covering up any residual scars from the
previous September's GIBS symposium. If GIBS is out
baptism of fire, Maidens' is our coming of age
ceremony, our Bar Mitzvah. Singing and bottle
dancing are optional: Upping one's game is manitory.
The crowds gathered and they shouted 'resign',
'Nay' said the Breastéd One, 'please give me some
time,
For tonight we take that most distinct of pleasures,
Of judging our maidens whom we so greatly treasure,
And please don't ye worry over which of ye wins,
For even bronze medalists go on to great things
•
•
•
The meeting began in untraditional fashion. But then
again, I was always unfamiliar with (and somewhat
ambivalent towards) the finer points of Lit&Deb
tradition. Due to my commitment representing the
Fiachaill U-12's at the Kingsmill Moore Inivational in
Trinity College Dublin, the minutes from the Nally
debate were recorded at a makeshift studio in Dangan
Heights and aired on the large screen. This decision to
shephard the Society reluctantly into the 21st century
was deemed less than successful. At the request of
several members who wanted their 17 minutes back or
at least attoned for, I sat down after my return from the
capital to see what went wrong. It's only when one sees
it on screen that one realises how poor a match a beige
shirt is with a black gown.
•
•
Peter O'Brien (HLM) proposed the ban on
Dubarry shoes on the grounds that AIDS is a
major problem in the world and that to protect
the Irish population from this problem, that all
non-EU immigrants should have their blood
tested upon entering the country. How he
arrived at this position is a secret Peter will
take with him to the grave.
Cathy Egan (3rd Law) said that the highlight of
her youth was when the Ahasgrá Transition
Year class were all brought out in a mini-bus to
the big smoke in Ballinasloe to see the shoe
factory: Transition Year is a time when young
people decide what direction to take in life and
from that day forth, Cathy's direction in life
was clear. Get the hell out of the countryside.
A procedural motion was passed instructing
Cathy to organise a college tour to the Dubarry
factory. It is unclear from the minutes whether
Martin Collins volunteered or was volunteered,
but either way, he's driving the mini-bus.
Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts) proposed that
because AIDS is such a problem that perhaps
an incentive scheme, whereby all immigrants
free of STD's be given a pair of Dubes would
both incentivise greater health and change the
traditional dube stereotype. Cause there is no
intrinsic incentive not to catch AIDS.
Beartla de Burca (3rd Arts) counter-proposed
that everyone should have to wear Dubes and
force criminals to wear them, which to be fair
does have the same outcome as the initial
proposal and might remind those dang
criminals what they're missing out there in the
land of the free.
With that fiasco behind them the members ploughed on
without me. Thanks are due to the Literary Officer who
minuted the meeting in my stead.
The motion was summed up and defeated.
Kicking off PMT in style Mike Spring (2 nd Arts)
proposed that This house would ban the sale and
use of Dubarry brand shoes or for those unfamiliar,
Dubes.
•
•
He said that what started life as in worker's coop factory had become a symbol for snobbery
and social division and a basis for bullying and
peer pressure. He proposed an outright ban
with anyone in breach of the Dube law loosing
their right to state protection. In an interesting
cost-benefit analysis he contended that the loss
of job's and economic blow to Ballinasloe
where the factory is located would be less of a
cost and more of a benefit.
Emmet Connolly (1st Law) formally opposed
saying this was an outright attack on the most
vulnerable in society, the kids of rich people,
who are struggling as it is to get by on their 10
grand a day allowance. He said dubes protect
children, specifically from being targetted by
Gardaí during riots, who assume anyone
wearing dubes and not Celtic jerseys is
probably just an innocent by-stander or that
their dad will sue if they get baton-charged.
38
•
•
Unhappy at how after dumping Mike's motion,
his had in turn been dumped, Peter tried again
to offer a PMT proposal but was muscled out of
there by Martin Collins (HLM) who proposed
that This House would write to the
Queen and ask her to change its name
from Londonderry to Derry, explaining
that only by royal decree can such a namechange be made. He cited support for the move
from the city council and the nationalist
population of the North and said that while we
could wage a war to achieve this end that
perhaps on this occasion with our troops so
recently deployed to Equatorial Guinea that
the pen maybe more ammenable than the
sword.
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) opposed as he is
wont to do when Martin talks about the North
on the grounds that Irish men should not lower
their status by writing to and recognising a
Queen who presides over the North as a
dominion of her once great empire. He
contested that we should rise up against sellouts like Mr. Collins whom he called a modern
day Michael Collins, and take back Derry by
debate comes down to a question of
force.
appearance vs. actual health and said that
people are compromsing their health by
•
Lorcan Price (LLB) who is recorded as HLM
undergoing dangerous surgeries.
but is in fact nothing of the sort, posited that
this motion would give our corresponding
•
Finally, Emmet Connolly (1st Arts) said that
secretary a chance to reach out to an elderly
banning cosmetic surgery won't cure society's
lady who has struggled against ungrateful
vanity. He said that people are capable of
divorcing children who don't even visit her any
making decisions which concern only
more, and that this letter might bring a smile
themselves and their own self-actualisation.
to this old Queen's face. He truly is the
He called the measure an un-necessary
cuddliest man alive.
infringement on individuals' rights and
finished with the Messianic proclamation 'Ugly
•
Sarah Bruen (3rd Law) dissented saying that
people have rights too!'
the Queen doesn't read letters from embittered
ex-colonies and said that Stephanie's talents
would be better utilised writing to Walt Disney At this point, the judges retired, for an intense
to tell him off for being a Nazi. Tears were deliberation and the motion was thrown to the masses.
shed, but the motion was passed and in quick
pursuit followed a procedural motion, ordering
•
Sarah Bruen said that cosmetic surgery is
the letter to be written in our first national
addictive and results in a boring monochrome
language. Go n-éirí an t-ádh leat leis sin, Steph.
society full of prototype law chicks. And as
treasurer of the Law Society, I'm sure Sarah
At this point, Donna introduced the Main Business of
will agree that one monochrome society full of
the evening, the Maiden Speakers' Competition and the
prototype law chicks is more than enough for
three esteemed adjudicators, reigning champion Nuala
one University.
Kane, former Auditor and Irish Times finalist, Martin
•
In opposition Cathy Egan announced to the
Collins and the chair, former Trinity Hist Auditor and
house that her hair is not naturally blonde and
Doctor of Economics, Aidan Kane. And the motion
that her legs are not naturally hairless and that
before the house was that This House would Ban
the prop would have her in therapy rather than
Cosmetic Surgery.
allow her have braces to correct her teeth.
•
Stephanie Joyce, who obviously liked Cathy's
•
Alan Lyons (2nd Arts) opened the proposition
hair and legs the way they were, proposed
case by making the important distinction
saying that make-up and fake tan are fine
between the plastic surgery used to cure burns
because they come off at night but that breast
victims and surgery which is by definition
implants don't at least not easily.
unnecessary and performed at the behest of
•
Steve Lydon (3rd Engineering) said that
patients. He said that there is a real sense that
cosmetic surgery is a symptom, not a cause, of
cosmetic surgery is everywhere in society and
a vain and shallow society.
said that surgeons are exploiting society's
•
'Pearse' said that surely once we all saw
vanity to their own ends. He also said that
Michael Jackson's new nose in the late 80's we
people have a poor estimation of the
should have learned our lesson.
comlications which can arise.
•
Finally in opposition Tristan Nethaway (3rd
•
Lisa Maher (3rd Arts) said that painful as a
Public and Social Policy) said that everyone
complication may be in the cosmetic surgery
looks as God intended them, presumably
setting, to be ruled by totalitarianism is more
implying that cosmetic surgery is there as a
painful and for some, being ugly is still more
fallback for when God looses concentration
painful. She questioned the State's role in
and leaves the flesh tap running for a minute
undermining the choice of the individual and
or mixes up the foreskin and the elbow skin.
further questioned whether having greater
beauty in society should be considered At this point Dr. Aidan Kane appeared with a result and
objectionable.
a pile of praise for all the speakers. He did however
•
Conor Kelly (1st Arts) challenged the free will of warn against an over-reliance on the three-point
those who are influenced by pervasive media structure, but if that's the worst criticism you can get
image.He contrasted the current society in from a lecturer who crutches on a powerpoint
which people go to physical extremes including presentation for an hour a day, then our youngest and
self-starvation to achieve the shallow objective brightest are in good shape, as is our future.
of adherence to a perceived beauty to one in
which individual differences and embraced and The runner-up award was given to Mr. Conor Kelly, but
celebrated, which he said the proposal will help the name to be engraved on that prestigious, beautiful
bring about.
trophy, reveared by so many and yet attained by so few,
•
Julie Maher (3rd Arts) talked about the was that of Miss Julie Maher.
psychological effects of holding people back
from attaining their ideal body image. She So then all there remained was to put the motion to a
asked why, when make-up and fake tan are vote. You know, a vote. Like we do every week to settle
available to all, we should draw the line at an undecided motion. But alas, this motion will remain
botox? Finally she warned of driving the forever undecided as, in her infinite wisdom, Donna
demand underground into unsafe practises.
decided that perhaps the members could do without the
•
Muireann O'Dwyer (2nd Arts) said that the hassle and strain of putting their clapped-out hands in
39
the air and banged the gavel condemning the motion to
not to ambrosia or to hell, but to motion limbo, for all
eternity.
On my return I couldn't resist saying that while the
minutes may have been long, of poor sound quality and
aesthetically offensive, redefined PMT's, null and void
motions and funded trips to shoe factories were never
let take place when I was around.
So there she ended it, albeit incompletely,
And She edged to the exit somewhat discretely,
The gate-keepers beckoned to cast us from sight,
40
Meeting XIII, Thursday, 29th January, 2007: Literary
Evening with Pat McCabe
All members involved in the 160th session will have
their personal highlights. Similarly, many of the
Literary Officers who have served the Society have
brought their special portfolio front and centre with
excellent events (one thinks back to the excellent debate
on the future of the Abbey Theatre in 2005, the work of
then Literary Officer, Ruairí Talbot). But the public
interview with Irish author and novelist Patrick
McCabe was a meeting which I hope will live long in
the memory of the society. It certainly will be a
memory I cherish, not only for the profundity of the
dialogue and the quotable witticisms, but because to
produce the account, I had to rely on my own short-tomedium term-memory, following the disappearance of
my handwritten notes the following week.
'Nay', said the Auditor, 'Please give me some time,
For done is my man and he's Dan it again,
And Francie Brady's creator waits in the wings'
Assonance, like it?
It's getting the rhyme wrong
Despite having been blooded well in November, the
Literary Officer yielded the interviewer's chair to Dr.
John Kenny of the English Department. After a short
introduction from Dan, the academic and the literary
settled on the stage and began a mutual familiarisation
which less resembled the opening of a heavily staged
Biography Channel-style interview, but more an
exchange between two predators, both cajoling the
other with short, curt, single-word utterances. This was
going to be the real thing.
men tell stories, in McCabe’s case about small people in
small villages in a small country, in Kenny’s case about
his experience of reading about those same people. So
the conversation began, quite sensibly, at the beginning
and how writing became a thing for Pat McCabe.
They discussed small-town rural Ulster and how it
affected his writing, he illustrated firstly just how small
a town it was, by telling of the first man in town to get
‘d’electric’ and how there was all the talk in the town of
this electric and how 'weren’t we blessed that the proud
majestic river Shannon is the most electric-rich of all
the rivers in Europe, according to a man well-versed on
how d’electric is extracted from underwater plankton'.
And these recollections were clearly not a sneer on his
part at his old neighbours, and nor, it seems, are the
books, but rather an illustration of the world which
these characters built for themselves, using small-talk
and metaphors.
He recalled taking a writing class with an English
teacher, the first teacher in the town to call the boys by
their first name. The class was a way for him to avoid
playing games after school, and he commented that an
aversion to sport seems to be de rigueur for the budding
novelist. It was also a steady means of income, with the
sportier types quite willing to fork out a whopping 6
apples in exchange for having someone do their
spellings, and said there was a touch of the Shawshank
Redemption to this routine. Dr Kenny saw this as the
right time to ask the crucial question ‘Are you happy
when you’re writing?’ To which the answer was a stern,
‘No, God it’s misery.’
Both seemed uncomfortably removed from their normal
habitat. For Dr. Kenny, this was a new experience.
Usually when an English professor asks a question, it is
a rhetorical one that only he can answer. Either that or
no one except the mature student up the front is willing
to volunteer an answer, although everyone nods
vociferously when they hear it. The academic is usually
free to sit with a book in his comfort zone and let a
thought gestate without question or distraction and
without danger of the book talking back to him. Tonight
he would have to posit his theories to the one person
entitled to say ‘That’s right’ or ‘that’s wrong’.
He said that he still writes exactly as he did then, with
the head down at the page and the writing hand no
more than 3 inches from his left eye and commented
over dinner, I’m led to believe, that in this posture, the
writing and not the writer is the one in control. This was
one of a number of interesting references to the author’s
limited control over the events which befall his invented
characters. He referred to Francie Brady’s butchering of
Mrs. Nugent as something he ‘never expected would
happen’ and to the depiction of Danté’s Inferno at the
end of Winterwood as a scene he simply happened
upon, having decided to send lead character Redmond
By the same token, McCabe is more used to dealing with Hatch to hell.
journalists of various nationalities who rely so heavily
on standard FAQs (How long did it take you? How did Even more interestingly again on the subject of control
you feel about the reception, the awards and all that?) he said that some of the greatest novels of all time are
that the audience is treated not as a critical group of yet to be written, for example the great novel about the
students, but as sub-humans to whom everything must fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Eastern Bloc,
be spelt aloud and phonetically. Dr. Kenny is not one of but he said that one thing’s for certain, the person who
those journalists: A lecturer in fiction and an expert on writes that novel won’t be the person who sits down to
John Banville, Kenny came intent on extracting every write the great novel. He said the great historical novels
self-reflective, self-aggrandising and self-deprecating don’t begin in Government buildings with high-end
nuance from the celebrated man across the table from officials, but out on farms or on trains. Most amusingly,
him. And at first the two seemed unsure where to begin, he said that all the woman sitting at the window needs
before eventually finding a common plateau on which in order to write about the army barracks is to have seen
their conversation became less of a jittery joust and a soldier walk by the window sniffing his armpit.
Musing on where the next great work of fiction may
more of a well-synchronised duet.
come from, he said that if something revolutionary is
The common ground they found was narrative. Both out there being written, he almost definitely wouldn’t
41
have heard of it, and guessed that some kid writing an yet to come.
anonymous blog on some website will eventually
produce the great work of the next decade or so.
The night ended on an historical note, with the
presentation of the President’s Medal, a prize conferred
onto high-achieving speakers up until the 1930s and
now resurrected as an award for literary excellence.
Playing the hits
The newly conferred medallist then retired with us to
At the outset, Dr. Kenny noted the remarkable stack of prove that though the pen may be mightier than the
books which McCabe had at his disposal and perhaps sword, nothing is mightier than the sound of a drunken
feared for a moment that his own contribution might be Ulsterman screaming tunelessly over an out-of-tune
little more than punctuation marks between readings. piano. One final piece of hilarity came when McCabe
However, no such eventuality played out. Never once argued fiercely with the night-man at the door of the
did he answer a question with ‘Well I’m glad you asked once Great Southern, insisting that the Literary Officer
me that Dr. Kenny, ‘cause it reminds me of a little piece be let in, as they had urgent business to attend to.
from a little book I wrote away back in…’ Never. He read Urgent. Serious business-real cash on the line. He said
only on invitation and when he read, it became clear the whole thing was gonna fall through if they couldn’t
that the aural dimension to the work is a very real one. have just an hour in the residents' bar to talk it through.
He burst from an excerpt from the short stories of The nightman’s answer: ‘Eh, no. Sorry.’ They parted
Music on Clinton Street to a voice instantly recognisable reluctantly, agreeing to talk business the following day
to fans, to film-lovers and to first year English scholars over brunch. He never called.
who braved the analysis of the unreliable narrator, that
of Francie Brady, The Butcher Boy. Though no dead- And so it ended and the auditor took flight,
ringer of a 10-year-old, the performance was electrifying We’ve not seen her since and we hope she’s alright,
and the author commented that this was the first voice The gate-keepers beckoned and cast us from sight,
with which he felt truly comfortable. Interestingly, he And the crowds dispersed and went off into the night
later heaped praise on the child actors Eamonn Owens
and Alan Boyle for their performances in the film
adaptation, which he called the best two interpretations
of any of his characters. He recalled how desperately he
wanted to avoid having young rural Ulster boys played
by 10-year-old Billy Barry kids from, loike, Foxrock and
how the discovery of these two untrained actors stopped
the film from going under completely.
When asked whether audiences’ reactions to his
readings affected how he wrote, he said absolutely not
and added that once you begin to be swayed by the
whims of an audience of strangers, you’re finished as an
author.
The Media
On having been shortlisted twice for the Man Booker
Prize, he spoke with some scorn of the notion of
winning awards and how publishers demand more of
the same when a book receives the type of attention that
The Butcher Boy did and reminded everyone that the
people who jump up and down when you’re on top will
be the first to drop you when you’re knocked off the top.
He talked of the tendency among journalists to
romanticise both the character of the novelist and the
trade as a whole. He referred to an interview with a
journalist who had learned that he did much of his
writing in a second home in Donegal. He asked him did
his 'Donegal cottage' help him to get away from it all,
only for his face to fall upon hearing that it was no
windswept cottage retreat, but a modern 5-bedroom
bungalow in the middle of a town equipped with a
personal computer.
After a generous question and answer session, Dr.
Kenny asked the final question. Having established
where fiction comes from, where does it go and what is
it for? McCabe answered with a quote I’ll be repeating
for a long time: ‘We tell elaborate lies to make the truth
more clear’. He said that it is because of what the novel
tells us of ourselves that it will survive for a long time
42
Meeting XIV, Thursday, 8th February, 2007: The
Censorship Debate
The following week the doors of the Society were flung
open to the outside world, and that world descended to
prey upon our humble hospitality and home-made
sandwiches like a scene from an over-referenced
Hitchcock movie. The following comprises an account
of two meetings for which the substantive input was
outsourced to debaters from competitive, high-skill,
low-wage universities. The first was the Irish Mace
Semi-Final which was run in conjunction with the oncampus Múscailt Arts Festival and for which a suitably
artistically oriented motion was set, namely that This
House Believes the gratuitous sex and violence
have no place in film. The second was the first
jointly held meeting with the Law Society, the
unforgettable National Law Debates final held in a
packed Aula Maxima in dispute of the motion that
This House Would Immediately Return the Six
Counties to a United Ireland.
Your humble secretary may not have been in humble
humour back in April 2006 when he wilfully took on
the job as NLD Convenor (LawSoc Debates Convenor),
assuming it would be a small matter of buying a few
nights' worth of Aldi-bu and lining up a few couches
for any of our big-city cousins who mightn't be keen to
cough up for a bed in Barnacles Hostel. Alas, there's
more to it than that. So after a winter of securing
rooms, wrestling sponsors, flattering sponsors,
courting would-be dream-teams, bribing eminent
judges and liasing with two wonderful committees of
sprightly unknowing volunteers who by spring would
have deleted my name from their collective address
book/conscience, we were ready to go. Of those, four
individuals warrant mentioning: Two incredible
female auditors, Donna Cummins and Ms. Orlaith
Molloy, who were forthcoming with assistance
throughout the winter, and eagerly descended from
their twin perches to muck in with the rest and the
best. Two Lit&Deb committee members went above
and beyond all reasonable expectations, namely the
Clerk of the House, Orlaith O'Connor, who secured all
arrangements with the Buildings Office and spent the
remainder of her sanity setting the beautiful stage in
the Aula Maxima for the final; and the Literary
Officer, Dan Colley, who was charged with scripting,
filming and producing the five excellent pre-round
PowerPoint displays. Atop this responsibility, I felt it
somehow fair to ask him at the last minute to minute
the Thursday night meeting as I kept sweet the early
arrivers from our sister societies. Both deserve my
eternal thanks.
Sadly, amidst all the fun, the written minutes were
once again lost to the gremlins of the Public House. We
trust that some lonely barman still takes them out on
quiet nights and has a quiet laugh to himself and
ponders whether his right to view gratuitous sex and
violence in his cinema screen may indeed be the type of
cause for which he would lay down his quiet life. And
until that poor soul comes forward to return our lost
treasure, we must make do with a short synopsis of
that John Smith Memorial Irish Mace Semi-Final:
night's final are so clearly etched in my memory, I
could almost recite them without reference to notes, or
to the Trinity Hist's incredible audio archive of debates
involving their speakers, all captured magically on the
iPod of Mr. Darren Mooney. To chair this magnificent
joint meeting of two great societies will always rank
among my most treasured memories of University.
The crowds gathered and they shouted 'Resign...
Hey, wait a second, you're no auditor of mine!'
The Vice-Auditor called silence and hastened to explain,
That his boss, from her sick bed, had passed him the
chain,
Tonight we are sponsored by NUIG Arts festival, Muscailt,
Giving me poetic license to report however I like
A befuddled crowd looked on as the unfamiliar figure of
the Vice-Auditor Patrick Cluskey took to the podium to
welcome all present to the Irish Mace SemiFinal/Múscailt Censorship Debate. He passed on the
apologies of our auditrix, whose afternoon lecture on
self-diagnosis had not been as straightforward as
planned. He was also quick to dismiss rumours that she
was attempting to avoid the Mace Convenor following
his alleged recent vomitting on a HSE employee in
Dublin. As far as Donna's concerned, it's the nurse's
own fault for not getting Medicine.
So, before our eight guests, all among Ireland’s finest
University speakers, took the podium for main business,
one member took the opportunity of the Múscailt Arts
week to hit out at its less sophisticated and altogether
more abrasive cousin, hated and loved in equal measure
across all sectors of campus, the dreaded and beloved
RAG week. It was one Orlaith O'Connor (2nd Arts) who
proposed that This House Would Ban RAG Week.
•
Orlaith contended that RAG week has
abandoned any charitable pretence and
become a thorn in the side
•
Vincent Lacey (3rd Arts) opposed
•
Conor Kelly (1st Arts) chimed in
•
Martin Collins (Law Postgrad) did not declare
a side of the motion but took exception to a
first year bemoaning the something he has to
experience. He said that RAG is that rarest of
week of which you can make whatever you
wish. He said the problem of students drinking
is continually overstated and wondered why we
should try to mask the fact that students do
drink, given that it is the time in life when the
consequences of alcohol are lowest.
•
I got in there, and suggested that we look
around us at the wonderful channel of artistic
energy that Múscailt injects into the campus
life and suggested that the Students' Union
throw its weight behind it as the epicentre of
its calendar.
•
Tiernan Fitzgibbon of the UCC Philosoph, a
good friend of the society, offered his outside
perspective, suggesting that with the academic
calendar being set up in such a stringent
results-focused manner, that it is crucial to
have RAG week to break that up and remind us
that we are sentient students and not robots.
By contrast, the events of the following Saturday At this point, yer man called for summations and hands,
43
and the motion was carried.
This was the cue for the eight speakers and five eminent
judges to join the arena. Doing battle were the great
institutions of Her Majesty’s College of the Holy and
Undivided Trinity of Queen Elizabeth near Dublin and
The University College Dublin, Dublin, affiliate of the
National University of Ireland, also near Dublin.
However it wasn't as simple as all that with the UCD
L&H teams placed in first propostion and closing
opposition and the Trinity teams of the University
Philosophical Society and The College Historical Society
occupying the central diagonal. The challenge before
each team would be, not only to make themselves look
good, but to do so without damaging the chances of
their University colleagues across the table from each
other.
With teams in place, the chair introduced the five judges
from his right to your right: At your extreme left, was
Mace Convenor and formerly third place finisher on the
World University Debating Championships Speaker
Tab, which sounds impressive but is nonetheless second
highest loser. Left of Derek from Paddy's Perspective
was our own Honourary Life Member Sharon DillonLyons, consistent bringer of kudos to our society from
the World Championships in Malaysia to the European
Championships in Cork and beyond. Three places to her
right was local boy in the photograph, Martin Collins, a
finalist of the Irish Times and of the Glasgow Ancients.
To the Chair's right of him was former National Law
Debates Tab-topper and Co-Chief Adjudicator-inwaiting of that very competition, who in turn spent most
of his evening gazing to his left to the man with whom
he would share that honour and responsibility over the
coming weekend, Mr. David Whelan, himself the
recipient of a long roll of honours including victories in
the Irish Times and the Cork Intervarsity.
With everyone in the right position and the crowd
suitably disorientated, Marguerite Carter of the UCD
L&H was called to introduce the motion that This
House Believes that gratuitous Sex and Violence
have no place in film.
•
Marguerite used her priviledged position to
define and narrow the motion to within an inch
of its life. She set her focus on the intersection
of the two target subjects, sex and violence,
and proposed that scenes depicting violent and
non-consensual sex, i.e. rape, be banned from
use in certified films. She spoke of the state's
responsibility in terms of censorship and how
the artistic depiction of rape could serve to
promote and abhorrent crime.
•
Ed Gaffney of Trinity Phil opposed on the
grounds that government measures which
stifle creativity only serve to suppress
legitimate expression, be that of fear, disgust
or perversion and never serve to extinguish the
attitudes at the root of these expressions.
•
Lousia Ní Éadáin defended her partner's
proposal ably.
•
Ruth Faller opened by stating how nice it was
to speak in a theatre exactly 200 paces from
her childhood home, and spent her remaining
six minutes apologising for leaving for Trinity
College.
•
Chris Kissane of the Trinity College Historical
Society got fiery from 2nd proposition and
•
•
•
poured scorn on any notion of there being a
right to perversion.
Frank Kennedy said that to remove evil
realities from a mainstream medium would be
to shy away from a reality which we all must
face, however squeamish we are.
Josephine Curry spoke intriguingly about the
trauma that can be derived merely from
hearing the word rape, let alone seeing the act
played out on a screen.
Noel McGrath was okay. More or less said what
Frank said, except Noelier than thou.
In a sense the main business became a victim of its own
success. So closely fought had the competitive element
been that the adjudication took nigh on 45 minutes. So
comprehensive had the speeches been however, that
very little remained for the audience to thrash out and
this argument was left largely to a small handful of
repeat contributors. Once all present had spoken at least
thrice, the chair called a recess while the judges
concluded their best of 87 rock/paper/scissors decider.
When this eventually concluded, panel chair Dave
Whelan took to the podium and with a wave of his hand
sent the brave soldiers Kennedy, McGrath and Gaffney,
along with Private Faller, onwards into the final.
The motion, like the teams on the proposition was
defeated.
And so the crowds went,
Off into the night they fled,
I do love Haiku
44
Joint Meeting of the Literary and Debating Society and The
Law Society, Saturday, 10th February, 2007: The National
Law Debates Final
The crowds gathered and they shouted 'resign!',
'Nay' said both auditors, 'Please give us some time,
For tonight they have gathered from across the land,
Landowners and peasants and isn't it grand,
A grand final we'll see and make sure you see clear,
For the finest debate you'll ever likely hear
The nine adjudicators for the Final were Irish Times
Finalist and all-round bald guy, Luke Ryder, reigning
National Law Debates champion, Ross Frenett, Times
winner and Sunday Business Post opening batsman, Ian
Kehoe, Times Finalist and bewildered last-minute blowin, Brendan Bruen, the Dean Swift, Vice-President's
Cup, Irish Times & International Mace winning, yet
cripplingly modest Barry Glynn, our very own Mr.
Stephen Nolan and World Championship Semi-Finalist
and sole possessor of ovaries, Miss Connie Grieve, and
chairing the panel in absolute parity, barristers Morgan
Shelley and Dave Whelan. So equal and great were they
in their great equality and parity that they even sat on
the same chair. Scooch over there Morgan.
The motion before the house was that This House
would immediately return the Six Counties to a
United Ireland.
•
•
•
Derek Lande began the debate, posing for the
final time as he did all weekend as Denny
Crane of the Crane, Poole & Schmitt law firm
in Boston Public. Most team names used in
open competitions start off as funny and get
less and less so as the weekend progresses.
Luckily for Derek, that name was never funny.
Derek was careful in setting the tone of the
debate, cautiously replacing ‘Unionist’ with the
term ‘Planter’ and referring to Northern
Ireland as ‘the occupied territories’, which he
said should immediately be returned to Dublin
rule. He also included the payment of
reparations in his model and said that perhaps
Britain should sponsor any Protestants wishing
to return home. He said that the people who
voted for partition voted under duress facing
the possibility of invasion and said he refused
to acknowledge a majority held within an
artificial boundary.
Chris Kissane of the Most Holy and Undivided
Trinity of Queen Elizabeth near Dublin got up
and reminded Derek that that boundary was
drawn by his fellow Cork-man, Michael
Collins, and that the will of those within it
must be respected, or else. Or else what?,
yelled the crowd. Or else there’ll be bombs in
Dublin, in Galway and in Tralee. He said the
Irishmen of the North can be Irish if they want,
citing the Northerners who don a green jersey
and play rugby with the All-Ireland team,
although somehow I doubt that letting them
play rugby would satiate Sinn Féin’s desire to
MakePartitionHistory.
Art Ward then reminded the house that while
Michael Collins may have been born in Cork,
45
•
•
•
•
he was also shot there, like all traitors should
be. He quoted Cillian Murphy in The Wind
that shakes the Barley saying that the voters in
1922 were ‘voting through fear’ and one lone
chuckled in the back came from the direction
of Lorcan Price. He said that Ireland will be an
example to all countries of the World who’ve
been screwed over by the British and said that
just 'cause the Brits can run a place efficiently
doesn’t entitle them to be there in the first
place.
After her partner’s hard work explaining why
we should respect the will of the Unionist
majority, Josephine Curry then took a step
back or perhaps a giant leap back from that
line, referring to the Shinners as dirty pikies
and the Prods as useless wasters, generally
conveying that this isn’t a place we want to
associate with here. She said it’s not easy get
away from it when you live right on the
Monaghan border, although she seems to have
done a good job in fleeing to Trinity.
Then came a nervous moment for the clerk of
the house, as Mrs Jessica Harvey-Smith held a
lighter to a Union Jack flag as she stood at the
podium. Luckily those flags aren’t made of
flammable material, although I simply can’t
imagine why. She backed away slightly from
the term 'occupied territories' and referred to
the issue instead as the ‘Irish Question’,
describing it as Britain’s Original Sin. She said
that finally achieving unity would be good for
Ireland and that they would even go so far as to
take Ian Paisley off our hands, by which she
meant bring him to England. The chair
thanked the speaker for having held onto the
North for 800 years and for graciously offering
to take Ian Paisley for his remaining two.
Noel McGrath informed Jess where to stick her
advice on what is best for Ireland, given
Britain’s track record in that department and
implored the crowd did we wish to associate
ourselves with the traitors who have dragged
republicanism through the mud and created a
divided and bigoted society in which
homosexuals are 6 times more likely to be
attacked for their sexuality than anywhere else
in Europe. He said a liberal and multicultural
Ireland liberated from Church dominance is an
Ireland foreign to these people and appealed to
the crowd that it should remain foreign. The
crowd were more than sympathetic to his
appeal and the din created both during and
after his passionate contribution was difficult
to quell.
Will Jones asked why Noel should get to decide
who is and isn’t Irish. He asked how, when so
many in the North identify with Ireland and
not with Britain, should they continue to rot
under the rule of an evil oppressor who has
imposed religious restrictions and systematic
•
starvation on the Irish. He then backtracked,
realising that he had just revealed an official
secret, that the famine was a deliberate act of
systematic starvation. He said that within 50
years this will happen anyway, because, like it
or lump it, the Catholics know how to breed.
The concluding speech for CUS A and the
opposition came from pCiarán Denny. While
he thanked the Brits for admitting they’d made
a mistake, he invited them to go deal with their
mistake themselves and not to thrust it on us.
He said that Civil War in our own country was
too high a price to pay in order to ‘fix history’
and said that the type of people who add
Republican chants to the Fields of Athenry,
making violence seem palatable and even
cheerworthy, are scum and should not be let
ruin our country.
It was then time to descend as we do every year on the
Army barracks in Renmore under the watchful eyes of
Officer Stephen Quigley. Steve had asked me to lock up
all the best looking girls just so the army lads wouldn’t
get any wild ideas, but luckily adjudicator extraordinaire
Brendan Bruen had most of them locked by that stage
anyway. After dinner, the room fell silent as the Chief
Adjudicators Shelley and Whelan took the stage to
announce the results.
Three awards were given, best speaker on the tab to Mr.
Noel McGrath, outstanding speaker in the final, Mr.
Noel McGrath and the winning team were CUS A,
Messers pCiarán Denny and Noel McGrath. A
remarkable hat-trick which, to our knowledge, is
without precedent in an Irish competition.
Then onwards to the bar where the taxes were low and
the spirits high. A second silence befell the room when
the triumphant McGrath broke into a loving to ode to
his team-mate, ‘O Denny Denny Boy.’
One final moment of amusement came when one Chief
Adjudicator explained how the tab had mysteriously
allowed Barry Glynn to judge alongside the attractive
German DCU student with whom he was now overtly
flirting. An irate McGrath was heard to scream ‘Barry
comes to judge and doesn’t even take a note all
weekend. I was best speaker in the final, topped the tab
and won the IV and no one’s tried to get me laid!'
And with that it ended and the honours were won,
And the Galway IV had two new champ-i-ons,
The officers dismissed us and called it a night,
And the crowds dispersed and went off to Dangan Heights
46
Meeting XV, Thursday, 22nd February, 2007: The TP
O'Connor Award
There's nothing like a wholesome light-hearted
internal competition to reset the society's body-clock
after its sleepless weekend of hysteria on the scale
which the National Law Debates brought about. Such a
competition came in the shape of the T.P. O'Connor
Award. The competition commemorates the life of the
1867 Lit&Deb Auditor and renowned journalist who
went on to serve as MP for the Irish Nationalist Party
in the constituency of Liverpool for an uninterrupted
49 years. The format of the competition has been
somewhat less consistent than the career of the man it
celebrates, but its most recent manifestation as 'GIBS
for big people' has proved successful. It fell to Internal
Convener Ronan Harrington to generate not one but
eight motions, spanning such a range of topics as the
morning after pill, the prospect of a male first lady in
the White House and uniting the Irish and Northern
Irish soccer teams. Surely there was something in
there for everyone, but just in case there wasn't, there
was even an open motion to boot. Beforehand, I
berated the members for having hitherto rejected
motion after motion throughout the session and
proposed nothing in return. Surely, with eight
resolutions before the house it was time for us to say
what we're for and put aside what we're agin'.
'Nay', said the Auditor, 'please give me some time,
For I've just been in receipt of a delightful Valentine,
Though from whom I cannot say, as the card was not
signed,
Though on the reverse I found the initials 'P.C.',
But for the life of me I cannot think who on earth P.C.
could be
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But before the flood gates were cast open, there was the
small matter of Private Members' Time, with the first
and only motion of the evening coming from Martin
Collins (Law Postgrad), who proposed that The War
on Crime is no excuse for draconian legislation.
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Martin contextualised his comments by
explaining that proposed legislation from the
Minister for Justice would restrict bail, add
cells to jails and give more power to police by
reducing the evidence base required to arrest
suspected gang members. He said that this
would be ineffective and amounted to little
more than high-profile electioneering. He
expressed special concern that the civil
liberties laid out in our constitution be seen as
little more than barriers to toughening justice.
He concluded with the great line, 'all it takes
for tyranny to succeed is for good men to do
nothing'. I can't quite remember who he
attributed that to. Possibly Monty Python,
possibly himself.
One man determined to appear tyrannical but
secretly do nothing is Ronan Harrington (2nd
Arts) who formally opposed the motion. He
started by listing the victims of violent crime in
the past 4 months in an effort to remind the
house that the State is not a distant group of
politicians, but the embodiment of the people
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and that it is the people who are afraid, and
who ought to have a right to defend
themselves. He said that when our police know
exactly whose numbers John Gilligan is dialing
from his jail cell in Dublin, that they deserve
the discretion and power to apprehend these
individuals.
Cathy Egan (3rd Law) retorted, casting scorn on
the meagre Psychology student attempting to
cobble together an argument based on his DVD
box-set of Law & Order. She said that Police
Discretion is a synonym for Police Abuse. Now
I may only study Psychology, but I am able to
use a Thesaurus and it turns out discretion is a
synonym for caution, foresightedness and
prudence. Oh Cathy, she'll break her neck off
that high horse of hers some day. She did make
the important point that public fear is being
fueled primarily by tabloid journalism which
exaggerates the prevalence of crime.
Dave Keane (B.Comm.) spoke in opposition
saying he felt sorry for the Minister, in
particular the fact that couldn't preemptively
castrate every male to deal with the rising rape
statistics. He said the reason for the hype was
because guns are being used all of a sudden in
crime but said that the citizens who shoot
others in the face have brought this legislation
on us.
Beartla De Burca (3rd Arts) said law-abiding
people are frightened in the current climate
and are pressuring their politicians to push
through legislation which isn't helpful in the
long-term.
I then retorted saying that having people bring
about institutional change sounds suspiciously
like a democracy. I said that the number of
crimes being committed by persons on bail and
the concentration of crime in certain areas
warrants attention and that presence of police
should not be proportional to the number of
people in an area but to the number of crimes
recorded in that year.
Dan Colley (2nd Arts) replied saying that crime
is every bit the malaise that road-death is.
Ronan's response: That's why penalty points
came in. Dan replied that the constitution sets
out constraints to prevent legislation coming
through as a knee-jerk reaction. Ronan's
response: 'You're a knee-jerk'.
Muireann O'Dwyer (2nd Arts) returned to the
issue of the media saying that the people of
Moyross and Crumlin have known about crime
for a lot longer than the Star have and said that
the Gardaí in these areas may now finally be
able to target the men controlling the gangs.
Paddy Cluskey (3rd Arts) said firstly that
economic growth will fix crime, not reactionary
legislation. Fair enough as long as that growth
isn't just from increases in sales of guns and
artillery. He said that legislation needs to be
introduced not in a climate of fear but in a
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vacuum. I later challenged him to find me a
vacuum, be it political or physical in which it
would be safe to introduce legislation.
Finally Tristan Nethaway (3rd Arts) accused the
prop of scare tactics and said that there is such
a thing as a trial and the ability of the police to
detain for extra questioning doesn't make one
any more or less guilty once they step into a
court of law, it only increases the chance of
having evidence either way.
The motion was summed up and passed and the formal
opposer made his way to assume his self-appointed role
as chair adjudicator for the T.P. O'Connor award. On
either side of him were Martin Collins and Declan
Burke. The irony of having the competition held in
honour of the man who founded the Sun and the Star
after the tidal wave of tabloid-bashing which had
preceded was indeed noted. As per my GIBS minutes,
I've abandoned chronology and categorized speeches
into the seven motions which were disputed. To add to
the eclecticism of the evening, the chair of the panel
used his parliamentary privilege to ask each speaker a
general knowledge question on a chosen area of
specialty before their speeches, worth an extra 5 speaker
points on the invisible scale in his mind.
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First up, Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts): Specialist
area, Disney. Question: Who shot Bambi's
mother? Answer: Hitler was a vegetarian.
Incorrect. Correct answer was that Bambi was
killed by one of Walt Disney's fascist
animators. Don't worry Stef, he was just
following orders. Stef proposed that This
House believes men should bow down
before their female overlords before
fertility advancements strip them of
their last useful function on the grounds
that women are the rightful leaders of the
world and would be much more willing to sit
down and talk than to go to war for oil, as men
are wont to do. War for fur might be a different
matter. She quoted a recent poll in America
which showed Oprah' Winfrey to be more
popular than George W. Bush. Sadly she
pronounced her name 'Opera' and didn't
include the 'George W.', suggesting a wholly
different type of poll.
I later opposed her, on the grounds that
women use the language of war all the time,
with all their talk of fight grease and battle
stains. I expressed concern that men are
indeed becoming redundant, given the job for
life which all lesbians have in pornography and
suggested that we cut off the supply of nostrings children at the source and set up a trust
fund to incentivise men not to donate to
sperm-banks. The motion was later passed.
Nuala Kane (2nd Med) proposed the motion
that This House Believes that no Islamic
country can ever be a friend of a
Western nation and opened by stating her
regret at wearing a bandanna instead of a
hijab. She said her gripe was not with countries
where Islam is the majority religion, but with
countries implementing Sharia law. She
analysed the damages of countries endorsing a
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legal system based on religious creed & dogma,
which fly in the face of human rights and lead
to women being stoned to death for adultery.
In opposition to this Dan Colley (2nd Arts) said
that similar to the Western World, Islam is
going through a dark era and reminded us of
the good old days when the bible was the main
source of our law. He suggested that we shower
the Middle East with iPods and Cognac until
they see the light. The harsh, fluorescent light.
In proposition, Conor Kelly (1st Arts) said that
Muslims are stealing our jobs, as our industrial
jobs are outsourced there and said that pretty
soon, all we'll have left will be sausage
factories. He also praised the marital security
which Sharia law guarantees.
Alan Lyons (2nd Arts) said that Islam was once
much more progressive and tolerant than
Christianity but that its perception had been
pulled to the extreme by high profile acts of
terror and that we need to return to an era of
tolerance. The motion was later defeated.
Seán Butler (1st Arts) opposed the motion that
This House Would ban internet
gambling,
saying
that
gambling
is
omnipresent in our society with a bookie on
every corner and private poker clubs springing
up everywhere, not to mention the Lotto, or
rather tax on those who can't do maths. He
said not all internet gambling is the same and
that poker and other games promote real skill
and strategy.
Dave Keane (3rd Corp. Law) proposed that
This House would ban the morning after
pill. He said not only does it taste yucky and
make boys pregnant, but that there are so
many untried alternatives: Abstinence for one,
Homosexuality, non-vaginal points of entry,
debating when you should be out molesting
women and finally, of course, being ugly. This
motion was later defeated.
Stephen Quigley (2nd Arts) opposed the motion
that This House Believes Sinn Féin have
stolen the tricolour and walked all over
it. He said that the tricolour symbolises peace
between two disparate cultures and that Sinn
Féin don't understand peace. He said that you
can't take away something that you don't
understand, confirming my suspicion that it
must have been an Engineer who stole my
laptop last week.
Julie Maher (3rd Arts) opposed saying Sinn
Féin use the flag as a propaganda tool and that
a national symbol shouldn't be hijacked by
those who oppose their own State. The motion
was passed
Muireann O'Dwyer opposed the motion that
This House Welcomes Bill Clinton as
America's next first lady saying that if
Hilary can only be elected on the strength of
her husband, this will amount to little more
than token equality and cross-dressing in the
White House, both a bad ideas. She was right,
it was defeated.
Then to the open motion, that This House
Believes the House always wins. Beartla
DeBurca saw this to mean that soldiers should
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not be held personally responsible for their
actions during service and that 'I was just
following orders' should be a legitimate
defence. He said that soldiers don't have the
privilege of free thought and dissent. Steven
Quigley took exception to this and reminded
him that the term 'soldier' applies to all ranks
in the military, including the Generals who
actually make the decisions.
Zoe McNair (2nd Arts) took this to mean that
this house would always win if Beartla were
expelled from it and questioned whether
anything he said was ever true given that no
one can ever verify his historical citations. Not
a popular one.
Not one to take it lying down, Bearlta retorted,
saying that Google can verify everything he
says and that the house instead of vilifying him
should recognise that one day he will rule us all
and the entire Universe. True enough.
Paddy Cluskey (3rd Arts) proposed that the
house always wins when abortion is legalised
to solve crime, making the argument about the
decline in crime rates in New York roughly 20
years after the Roe vs. Wade ruling legalised
abortion.
Finally on the open motion, Mike Spring (2nd
Arts) proposed that socialism may be stupid
but that he's still allowed support it, giving a
clear rationale for his desire to share the
wealth we generate and for his opposition to
the Holy Trinity of the Stock Market,
Corporate Government and Free Trade. He
said it's frustrating to have these beliefs thrown
in his face at every turn.
This very stirring speech did not go without reward.
When the adjudicators returned, Ronan praised Mike
for making the night his own with real and heart-felt
oratory and awarded him best overall contribution.
Second place went to Seán Butler and third to Nuala
Kane. Best Point of Information went to Sinéad Barry,
funniest speech to Conor Kelly and most original speech
went to Mr. Dan Colley.
Finally, congratulations were issues to those so
dedicated and fortunate as to have showed up for the illfated RAG week Wet Debate in the Fisheries field the
previous Wednesday, true martyrs for free speech, one
and all. Security can baton-charge us but never shall we
be silenced. Unless they shoot us on sight. That'd do it.
But that'd never happen. Not in Ireland, surely.
And so it ended, and the prizes were claimed,
And an ageing reigning champion walked home ashamed,
49
Meeting XVI, Thursday, 1st March, 2007: The Age of
Consent
The ability of the Society to keep pace with
developments in the world around it is usually tested
during Private Members' Time. However, when two
men jailed for statutory rape had their sentences
overturned in the courts on constitutional grounds in
the Summer of 2006, the issue of Child Protection came
to the fore in the public consciousness. Subsequently,
the Dáil Committee on Child Protection published its
proposed constitutional amendment which would
correct any pertinent legal anomalies, and included in
its proposals a reduction of the legal age of consent to
16. It was decided that this warranted the more
thorough treatment of a Main Business debate. As it
transpired, the headlines earlier in the day suggested
that the proposed amendments may have left a further
loophole which would undo the law prohibiting the
solicitation of sex from a minor. Into this live and
highly complex legal quagmire, our members dived
willfully and, with the guidance of two interested
experts, produced one of the finest debates of the
session.
With time constraints already bearing down on us, and
an interested crowd gathering, suggesting a potentially
lively debate, main business commenced after the
Private Members' Time motion was summed up and
defeated. Thus it fell to Donna to welcome before the
house the first elected member of the Oireachtas to
address the 160th Session, to propose the motion that
This House would lower the age of consent to
16.
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For tonight we hear from experts and policy-makers,
Who'll expose the ignorance of us mere debaters'
Due to the time constraints of one of the guests, time
only allowed for a very short Private Members' Time
motion. Flicking through his casefile of bitesize topics,
Dan Colley (2nd Arts) plucked the motion that This
House Would end public funding for the arts.
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He laid out the case that the Government's
involvement in the arts was both unnecessary
and unhelpful, saying that the benefit to the
State of painting, poetry, etc is tenuous at best
and mythical at worst. He said he wanted the
State to stay well clear of ideas so subjective
and personal to individual tastes, and work
instead on objective and tangible good to the
whole community.
Zoe McNair (2nd Arts), unlike Dan, is all about
the Art, and expressed sincere nervousness
about the idea of market forces being the sole
dictator of what Art gets made. She said that
some Art simply won't support itself but to say
that it won't command a price is to ignore its
inherent value.
Martin Collins (Law Postgrad) questioned
what exactly was the problem with people
having to cough up and get involved in
becoming patrons of art they deem valuable,
saying that nobody will ever appreciate
something which is always given to them for
nothing, and that the current approach in fact
breeds cynicism.
Alan Lyons (2nd Arts) stood in opposition,
saying that Government is not all about things
which are hard and objective, and is well
within its entitlement to involve itself in stuff
which is soft and fun, especially when it serves
to enrich a country's culture.
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Peter Power T.D., chairman of the
aforementioned Dáil Committee on Child
Protection outlined the proposed changes in
the Child Protection Bill, which would lower
the age of consent to 16 and make it an offence
to have sex with a child under that age,
regardless
of
foreknowledge of their age. He said it now
becomes the responsibility of the older adult to
ensure that they are having sex with someone
of age. He justified lowering the consent age by
saying that it seemed unreasonable that
someone of 17 years and 364 days be
criminalised for having consensual sex,
whatever the arguments may be for the
wisdom of that act.
Kate Mulkerrins of the Galway Rape Crisis
Centre pointed out firstly that not one of the
submissions registered with Deputy Power's
committee suggested lowering the age of
consent. She said young sex is not good sex
and that we are legislating for children to make
a decision which between 50 and 90% will
regret later in life, if statistics on the matter are
to be believed. She said that we are also
legislating to protect much older adults who
willingly exploit children's sexual naivety and
that legislating for supposedly consensual sex
between a 47-year-old and a 16-year-old is bad
news. She called for greater discussion and
education with regard sexual consent among
teenagers so that they can make a truly
informed choice.
In opposition, Martin Collins (Law Postrgrad)
said that Peter Power's point that a certain
group are criminalised under a certain law is a
moot point as inevitably, if we are to draw the
line at a given age, there will be some children
who fall immediately below that age.
I suggested that efforts to facilitate an
'informed choice' for teenagers are somewhat
futile if the law predetermines the outcome of
that process. I also pointed out that the current
law can only provide protection to 16-year-olds
if they choose to avail of that protection and
that once they go outside the law of their own
accord, the law can no longer protect them.
In opposition, Eoin Grealish (1st LLB) called for
greater power to be given to the judicial branch
in dealing with this matter. He said that judges
have their hands tied by the legislature and are
unable to give rulings on the appropriate
punishment in tough cases and that this Bill
does not solve that.
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Also in opposition, Beartla De Burca (3rd Arts)
said that there are several areas of the law in
which children are not granted the full rights of
adults precisely because they are children and
because they are not of satisfactory maturity to
fully knowingly express those rights.
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Dave Finn (HLM) pointed to the Portuguese
model of allowing consent within age brackets
(i.e. where a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old can
consent to have sex with each other) and said
that this removes the predatory element, but
does arguably facilitate sexualizing children
from too early an age.
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Sinéad Barry (2nd Commerce) said that the law
as it stands gives a way out for children who
don't wish to consent to sex by saying that the
law is behind them on the matter. On
information it was brought up that if women
need laws to empower them to say no to sex
then perhaps a greater problem exists within
society.
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Sarah Bruen (3rd Law) said that the lowering of
the age of consent moves the law closer to
reality.
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Nuala Kane (2nd Medicine) weighed up the
damages of the new law vs. the status quo
saying that the worst case under the status quo
is that two consenting sexually active 16-yearolds are criminalised, whereas under the new
law where a 42-year-old having sex with a 16year-old would be legal. She reasoned that the
former is more tolerable, a) because these
consenting children in relationships are
unlikely ever to come into contact with the law
and be punished and b) because any move
towards greater facilitation of the latter
scenario is a bad move for Irish law.
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Julie Maher (3rd Arts) spoke on the motion and
said that a third actor was missing from
Nuala's analysis and indeed from the debate as
a whole, namely the 19-year-old who
unknowingly sleeps with a 15-year-old,
perhaps having met in a night-club where the
understanding is that everyone is over 18. She
said that it is socially impractical to expect
everyone to reliably ascertain the age of their
sexual partner and that removing the defense
of 'honest mistake' is the truly worrying aspect
of the proposed bill.
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Ciarán Murphy (3rd Arts) echoed this point in
concluding the floor debate and said that based
on the vast range of issues uncovered over the
course of the debate, that the Child Protection
Committee still has a long way to go before
producing a satisfactory proposal to the
people. He also warned that the people who
will vote on the proposed referendum will not
be those affected themselves, but their parents
and those who wish to exploit elements of the
new law.
Following an impressive summation and rebuttal by
Kate Mulkerrins, the motion was defeated, with a higher
than average showing of abstentions. Ms. Mulkerrins
was no doubt pleased to see that that that virtue has not
yet died out.
Walking from the theatre, I was struck by that old
political adage ...
What hope has the Government of making it into the
fields, the bushes, the disco halls, the toilets, the free
gaff parties and the bunkbeds? Though expansive and
insightful, how meaningful could our debate ever prove
to be? And when such clear hurt and such personal
matter is at stake, how do the law-makers bridge the
important and growing gap between themselves and the
law-bound?
And then I remembered that we never did pretend to
know all the answers. But if we keep asking questions,
perhaps we'll eventually stumble on the one which gets
us closest to the answer.
And then I awoke and the masses had gone,
And left me to ponder what's right and what's wrong,
Til the gate-keepers beckoned and cast me from sight,
And I obliged and went off into the night
51
Meeting XVII, 8th March, 2007: The God Debate
After a Semester 1 of sell-out blockbusters, Semester II
had developed a Sundance Film Festival- type vibe.
The trend of low-budget sleeper hits would continue
into another well-attended and well-engaged
discussion for Meeting XVII. The topic this week, The
Ultimate Question. As a birthday present from ViceAuditor and flatmate extraordinnaire, Paddy Cluskey,
I was invited to propose the motion that This House
Believes that Man created God. Huge honour as
this was, it did seem a fair return on my last birthday
present to Paddy, namely €urocity's finest bedside
portrait of Pope John Paul II.
Women's Studies emerged in tandem with the
feminist movement itself, which Martin
dismissed saying that when the idea was
earthed, political correctness forbade any
resistance to it.
The motion was then summated and carried.
Then on to main business. The chain which Donna had
been sporting so proudly along with her 4ft.-high shoes,
was passed to a man who last held it 32 years previously
during the 128th session, Mr. Patsy McGarry, former
auditor and now Religious Affairs Correspondent for the
Irish Times. Patsy was drafted back into the side to
preside over the motion that This House believes
For tonight we ask if all things bright, and creatures that Man created God.
great and small,
Were in fact the work of random events and not of
God at all
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The first Private Members' Time motion came from
Miss Stephanie Joyce (3rd Arts), who proposed that
This House supports the closure of the Women's
Studies Centre.
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Steph said that the concept of having a
Women's Studies, rather than a Gender
Studies Centre lends itself to the propagation
of the view that women are still a minority in
today's society, when in truth much of this
cause has been achieved in the past half
century. She added that through teaching
women's studies through mainstream Arts, it
opens the discipline to a wider audience.
Seán Butler (1st Arts) opposed on the grounds
that College restructuring was taking place
without proper consultation with the students.
He said inequality is still alive and well in the
first and third world and that in truth the rest
of the College is a de facto Men's Studies
Centre.
Kevin Barry, Dean of the Arts Faculty, said that
for this set of studies to be open to all students,
men included, it must come on to the central
campus.
Niamh McNally (1sr Arts) said that in every
one of her subjects, the changing role of
women is talked about ad nausium and given
that funds are not infinite would money not be
better spent ensuring access to the university
for women and men alike.
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) said that when
restructuring of this nature takes place, we
need to look at the bigger picture, that of how
private financial concerns are dictating
University policy. He said Irish education is
uniquely accessible to its citizens and that we
should not seek to let finance undermine that.
Martin Collins (Law Postgrad) said that quite
simply, fighting for the right to study matters
exclusively pertaining to women itself
promotes inequality and asked if a proposed
Men's Studies Centre would be welcomed so
warmly.
Nuala Kane (2nd Medicine) put it to him that
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Opening the debate for the proposition, I used
my seven or so minutes to posit that man came
up with the God concept to fill in gaps in our
knowledge of how the World came to be and
that although we have since filled in much of
those gaps, we now cling to the thought of an
all-powerful being for comfort. I said that it is
much more likely that the complexity which we
now see came not from the intentional input of
a more complex being but from the interaction
of simple particles and events.
In opposition, Lorcan Price (1st LLB) said that
to rule out the existence of God from the outset
was a mistake given Science's clear inability to
identify a first cause through which something
came from nothing and said that to put our
blind faith in the power of science is no less a
leap of faith than to hypothesise the existence
of God. He also posited the notion of
irreducible complexity, citing the human eye as
something which only by a tiny probability
could come about through randomness.
Dick Spicer, Vice-Chair of the Irish Humanist
Association,
a
non-Theistic
spiritual
organisation, said that it is understandable
that people believe in a God and an eternity
which awaits us, given that we are surrounded
by misery during our time on Earth. He noted
that the God concept has evolved just as we
have over time. He said that while Jesus was a
hero, he did not see the need to attach divinity
to his story to make him so.
Dr. Gerard Casey, Professor of Philosophy in
UCD and recently seen opposing Richard
Dawkins on The Late Late Show, directly
countered this saying that Jesus was either
who he said he was or else he was a mad-man.
He said that the promise of heaven is not core
to the original Judao-Christian God so the
appeal must have come from somewhere else.
Most importantly he said that the universe as it
is on its surface does not contain a reason for
its own being, which is why philosophers have
deduced that there be an intention behind its
existence.
Opening the floor debate, Dan Colley (2nd Arts)
attempted to counter Lorcan's point about the
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eye saying that the complex organ we now
marvel at was most likely at an earlier point
just a small spot on one of our genetic
predecessors which was sensitive to light and
thus made it more likely that he survive than
his competitors.
In opposition, Nuala Kane said that in the
vacuum which reason and logical reason
cannot touch, that something apart from
conventional reason is required. She also spoke
out against the aggressive and intolerant
rhetoric
of
what
she
described
as
fundamentalist atheists.
Seán Butler took on the notion of how
improbable it was that we'd arrive where we
are today without the intentional input of a
deity saying that even a billion sided dice has
to land somewhere. He said that God as an
absolute makes people less receptive to novel
explanations and threw in some quantum
mechanics and anthropic principle and
sounded wholly intelligent.
Patrick Cluskey (3rd Arts) said that contrary to
the proposition's portrayal of those who believe
in God, he said that faith is an ongoing struggle
and a process of challenging one's beliefs. He
said that while it may not be sensible to look at
the beauty of a garden and think that there are
fairies at the bottom, it is not illogical to think
that there is a gardener.
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(Given that I was speaking I had to pass on my
secretarial duties to Internal Convenor, Mr. Ronan
Harrington. I thank him sincerely for doing a great job
and I thought I'd note that throughout, he writes 'God'
with a small 'g'. However, when referring to himself he
not only gives himself a capital R, but writes his entire
name in block capitals.)
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•
He did, however, make an excellent speech in
proposition, saying that science is getting ever
closer to being able to recreate the big bang
and that as science advances incrementally,
religion retreats into a dark corner, kept alive
only by deep-seeded fears.
Stephanie Joyce gave a deeply personal
account of her experience of God and of prayer
and said that this question is one which does
not lend itself to usual mechanistic rationale.
Susan Tracey (1st LLB) said that given the
enormous potential which students go to
university to unearth, that of their own mind
and intelligence, that it is imperative that those
same students consider the great potential that
there is an all-powerful God.
Niall O'Brian said that the problem with
teaching children that God exists is that they
are no longer open to all possibilities and that
atheism as an empirical position has a wider
scope and is open to all possible explanations
of why we're here.
Sinéad Barry (2nd Commerce) said that
indoctrination is indoctrination whether it be
Catholic or atheist and asked how children
could be open to accepting God into their lives
if their parents don't expose them to the notion
of God.
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Conor Kelly (1st Arts) said that God's primary
role has been the restoration of social
equilibrium and meaning and that different
definitions of God exist depending on the
situation in which he arises.
Rob Gormally (Psychology Postgrad) said that
perhaps we had ignored the real harms of
religion in the modern world, saying that the
refusal to condone artificial contraception as a
weapon against AIDS, was tantamount to
genocide on the part of the Vatican.
Dave Rock lived up to his name and spoke on
the motion with life and poetic rhythm, saying
both sides want the other to see the light but
that one can never see the light if their eyes are
closed.
Donal Kitt said that whether man takes
metaphysical comfort in the existence of 1 or
1000 Gods, it is still an inhibitor to the
actualisation of his real potential.
Muireann O'Dwyer (2nd Arts) said that so
simplified and personal has our conception of
God become, that we're unlikely to ever reach a
consensus on his objective existence, but did
not herself rule out that existence.
In summation, I said that the universe does not
owe us an explanation for why it is and that it
simply is because it is, but that by focusing on
the 'how' rather than the 'why' is a far more
fruitful pursuit for humanity.
Lorcan urged people once again not to take the
dismissive position of atheism but to operate
science with an open mind to all possible
findings.
Dick Spicer concluded the proposition by
reminding us that the burden of evidence does
lie with those who claim that God created Man
but that we should live on happily as humans
as long as evidence isn't coercive in either
direction.
Finally Gerard joked that Dan, Seán and
Ronan gave such similar speeches that they
must have all received a copy of Richard
Dawkins's 'The God Delusion' for Christmas
and formed a study group in his honour. He
concluded by saying that while our
understanding of God has changed doesn't
mean He has, or that we aren't getting closer to
a true conception of Him.
Patsy McGarry congratulated all present on a very high
quality of rhetoric, argumentation and debate and
admitted hesitantly that perhaps the standard has risen
somewhat since the mid-70's when he was auditor. I'd
say it's a combination of that and less priests out setting
fire to atheist books and homosexuals. In any case a
vote was taken and after two recounts, the motion
passed by the narrowest of margins. Thus ending all
debate on this controversial subject. Donna drew the
meeting to a close not without first congratulating ViceAuditor Patrick Cluskey on once again doing the goods.
So there it is, we voted God out of existence. Word has
it, God is none too pleased about this. First the US
Supreme Court remove him from public schools. Then
they stop him from getting in the back door by removing
creationism from Scientific text books. And then, having
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had his biography as top-selling book of all time, his
arch nemesis Richard Dawkins comes along and grabs
the Christmas number one spot and on His only Son's
birthday. And now this, the Lit & Deb, His most
favourite and chosen society, decides that Man created
God. I'm sure He feels like the drunken 25-year-old who
can't even get into the club that the Transition Year
students go to on a Friday. And as a result, He's angry
with us.
And so it ended and the whole congregation,
Fled to the bar to celebrate emancipation,
The gate keepers beckoned and cast us from sight,
54
Meeting XIII, Thursday, 15th March, 2007: The Denny West
of Ireland Schools' Debating Final
God's anger can't have subsided much when he saw the
next meeting would see the legacy of his favourite son,
George W. Bush openly questioned. The purpose of the
meeting may have better pleased him however, as this
debate would decide the winner of the Denny West of
Ireland Schools' Debating Competition. This meeting is
the society's annual opportunity to showcase its inner
workings to an impressionable group of potential
future members. Cheese and soft drinks are served,
funny PMT's are proposed, funny minutes are read
(the one about the John Paul portrait really killed on
the night), former auditors wear wigs and red noses
and do face-painting for the bus-loads of supporters.
Cynics say that this festival-type atmosphere attempts
and fails to make up for the standard of rhetoric
coming from the podium and that much more than soft
drinks are required in order to find the bulk of the
evening's jokes funny. Well I'm no cynic. I see the final
as a great opportunity for members to consider their
own development as speakers and to offer advice to the
next generation of Western orators.
My own advice was two-pronged: I advised
supporters wishing to influence the judgment of the
adjudicators to refrain from applauding each time
their classmate rejects a point of information but
rather to wait until they accept a point and then serve
it right back to their opponent with a blinding retort so
emphatic as might make George W. Bush think he'd
just seen the divine light of Mohammed. Secondly, for
speakers who you do get applauded at this juncture, to
be sure to take a breath and finish their sentence with
'and that brings me nicely along to my next point.'
must have codded your parents, sure you can
tell uncle Pat I won't tell anyone. You have?
That's great. Now smile for the camera'.
Emmett opposed on the grounds that invading
children's privacy damages the trust between a
parent and a child. He also worried that this
new obstacle would only present new
challenges and frontiers for paedophile
technology.
•
Beartla De Burca (3rd Arts) said that we only
look at children's diaries because we care. He
said children aren't mature adults and don't
necessarily choose the right people to
communicate with and said that we must at all
times stay one step ahead of the paedos.
Possibly not in those exact words.
•
Dave Finn (HLM) pointed out that most of
their emails are from other teenagers that
while kids do need protection from bullies,
they don't need protection from going
shopping.
•
On a Point of Information Martin Collins (Law
Postgrad) said the prop had missed the point
and that the reason for reading kids text
messages is to ensure they're using proper
spelling and grammar.
It is worth noting also that most parents depend on
their children to teach them how to read text messages
anyway and that the most a teen would need to do to
stop their parents prying would be to buy a new phone,
preferably not a Nokia. The motion was summarised
and defeated.
For this is a school not of books but of thought,
And many a uniformed school-child have fought,
For that prize of all prizes which has alluded so many,
The West of Ireland Schools, sponsored by Denny'
Showing off that not only do we watch the Late Late
Show but we also read the Economist, Ronan
Harrington (2nd Arts) proposed that This House
Would politically assassinate Robert Mugabe.
How better to get across the society's new-found youth
friendliness, than to run a Private Members' Time based
on a Late Late Show discussion of teenagers, using the
word 'brats' to refer to the subject population, and the
other on the state of play in Zimbabwe.
•
•
It was Miss Niamh McNally (1st Arts) who
proposed that This House would read the
brats' diaries. She explained how the diaries
and text messages of Irish children hold the
the key to winning the national War on
Bullying. She said that children are not free
citizens and don't have the right to privacy and
that kids are only as individual as their parents
give them money to be. She said that the goal
of her proposition would be is to prevent
disturbed individuals from accessing children
through modern technology.
Emmett Connolly (2nd Law) had refined his
arguments over the weekend after appearing
on the aforementioned broadcast and having
been caught out by a classic avuncular Pat
Kenny trap: 'Emmett, you're a cool kid, you
55
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He said that the Zimbabwean President is
abusing power and using aid money meant for
targeting the AIDS epidemic to secure his own
power and his estate. He proposed that we
invite the 83-year-old to Lit & Deb to fight a
duel with our Auditor Miss Donna Cummins
and let the winner rule over both Zimbabwe
and Lit & Deb forever more. Difference is they
have had white heads of state before.
Robert Rooney (HLM) opposed saying that
assassination is a bad tool through which to
bring about change. He said Morgan
Tsvangirai's democratic front are making
headway and that opposition must come from
the people not from abroad.
I said that this one man was standing in the
way of a legitimate democratic rule in
Zimbabwe, that there are institutions of
Government invalidated by a series of suspect
elections and that the only reason this regime
hasn't been overturned is its lack of oil.
Tony McDonnell (3rd Arts) said this wasn't a
black & white issue and cast dispersion's on the
much lauded Morgan Zvangeri, calling him the
•
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•
front of an organisation funded by the CIA and
neo-colonials. He also said that the famine in
Zimbabwe is not the fault of Mugabe but of an
unfortunately equatorial climate.
This incensed Martin Collins, who reminded
the house that not only does Zimbabwe have
inflation figures of 1600%, but also the lowest
life expectancy in the World, despite not being
the only country to enjoy an equatorial climate.
He said that even a democratic mandate
doesn't entitle Mr. Mugabe to abuse his people
in this way.
Bob Cox, our long lost Trained Journalist,
returned to the house with an emphatic 20
seconds of wisdom, calling the idea immoral
ineffective and unachievable.
But if Cox was emphatic, Liam Egan was
nothing short of messianic, lambasting the
Western liberal notions of Human Rights and
ethnic equality saying that Mugabe is the
classic African leader, that the UN represents
nothing more than the winners of WWII and
fending off almost twenty points of
information in the process.
•
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The motion was summed up and defeated. Then on to
the main event, the Denny West of Ireland Schools final
and the motion that This House Believes George
W. Bush will leave a positive legacy.
•
Donna first introduced the five adjudicators, Ronan
Harrington, Nuala Kane, Declan Burke, Róisín
McGrogan and in the chair, Mr. Mark Hanniffy (soon to
be doctor, we all hope).
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Opening the case for Presentation College
Tuam, Angela Wooley made some tough
arguments lauding Bush's refusal to sign the
Kyoto agreement and instead working within
the realistic framework of the Clear Skies
Initiative and his restoring security in the US
post 9/11.
Donnacha Lenihen of Coláiste Iognáid said
that never had any president caused greater
polarization of the American people, pointing
to divisive measures such as the Patriot Act. He
said that not only is Bush hated in the Islamic
World, but by right-minded people in
countries once allied to the U.S.
Perhaps the quirkiest speaker to address this
house in recent times, Maeve Kilroy of Convent
of Mercy Roscommon A, who said that Bush
has been a leader on the social issues which
matter to the American people, such as partial
birth abortion and education and said that his
re-election and his being named Time Man of
the Year were testament to that leadership.
From the same school, Maeve Healy said that
Bush's legacy is one of death and destruction
and that America is more at risk of attack now
than it ever was.
The first individual, Alan Garry of St. Gerard's
College, said that Bush's legacy will eventually
be a forward-looking Iraq with a buoyant
economy and a free and open democracy.
Leah Colclough of The Jezz said that Bush
cares little about his own legacy or anything
•
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that happens after 2008 and criticised
spending cuts on education and the White
House's partisan treatment of scientific
research.
Grace O'Malley of Davitt College said that the
measure of one's legacy is how they are
remembered among their own people and that
Americans are grateful for having strong
leadership during a time of threat.
Aidan Rowe of St. Gerard's College said that it
is American values themselves which have
been hurt worst by Bush's presidency pointing
to the erosion of Church/State division and the
so-called soft torture of prisoners held in the
War on Terror.
Claire Kearney of Pres Tuam said that
simplistic media representations of the
president harm serious debate and said that
comparisons with Lincoln and other early
Presidents are inapt as the nature of leadership
and international relations has changed
drastically in modern times.
Eamonn Bell of Sligo Grammar School said
that it is in Bush's contradictions such as in his
differing respect for the value of life that his
greatest weakness lies.
Continuing the team section for Pres, Patricia
Hannon said that Americans have warmed to a
salt of the earth President who speaks their
language and doesn't shy from real challenge.
Jamie Brown of the Jezz said that 9/11
happened on Bush's watch and that instead of
accepting blame, he's used it as the basis for 6
years of damaging foreign policy. He said his
legacy to his successor is an America with no
friends or allies left in the World.
Rachel Farrel wrapped up the case for the
proposition by pointing out that few Presidents
haven't had to go to war and as wars go, one
which liberates a people from an oppressor
won't reflect poorly on Bush.
Deirdre Mulry concluded the debate as a
whole, saying that while Bush may have
appeared strong during 9/11 that in his most
challenging hour, when Hurricane Katriona hit
New Orleans that Bush couldn't even get out of
the ranch in time to get a rescue force together.
After 14 speeches, the adjudicators and speakers had
well earned a break and they were given a 15-minute
interlude during which Dan Colley (2nd Arts) spoke in
favour of the motion which he now denies having
anything whatsoever to do with setting.
•
He said lots. Much of it made sense. Some
didn't. Gedaffe giving up the nukes at gunpoint
was one achievement that hadn't been brought
up to that point.
•
Alan Lyons (2nd Arts) opposed on the grounds
that among the allies which the US has lost
under Bush are many of his initial coalition of
the willing.
•
Martin Collins drew attention to the
appointment of John Roberts and Samuel Alito
to the Supreme Court and said that this
represents a long-term positive legacy, albeit
through the fortune of having one judicial
retirement and one judicial death on his watch.
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•
And for my next trick, watch the right to
privacy disappear!
Lorcan Price's (1st LLB) speech ran contrary to
every other opposition speech on the night, as
he suggested that the President had shown too
much restraint in his refusal to tackle
dictatorship elsewhere in the world and
beyond Iraq. This won him some funny looks
from the schoolies. But then again, he never
was into staying in touch with the teenagers of
today. He'd much rather read their text
messages.
The motion was at this point voted upon and defeated.
Chief Adjudicator Mark Hanniffy, praised the speakers
for grasping the key issues of the debate, although
advised them to focus more clearly on the strong and
difficult points. He gave an honourable mention to
Grace O'Malley of Davitt College, 2nd Place Individual
went to Claire Kearney of Presentation College Tuam,
2nd Place Team to Maeve Kilroy and Rachel Farrell of
Convent of Mercy Roscommon, 1st place individual to
Aidan Rowe of St. Gerard's College and 1st place team for
the second year running to Donnacha Lenihen and
Jamie Brown of Coláiste Iognáid.
Nothing remained but to thanks Schools Convenor, Zoe
McNair, on a bang-up job, a superb competition and a
mighty pretty green dress, if I may say so myself. Zoe
also thanked teachers and parents and encouraged
speakers to continue debating and schools to keep
feeding us debaters. One more thing, just to check. One
final question came from somewhere in the back row,
asking if competitors were joining us in the bar
afterwards, and if so could they somehow identify
themselves to avoid members getting themselves into
trouble. One would think the uniform might mark them
out clearly enough. Others would say that if you ask a
girl what she's studying and she tells you she's doing
Irish, English, Maths, French, History and Chemistry,
that some internal alarm bells should start to go off at
that point.
And thus ended another riveting competition,
And lights were extinguished and prizes were given,
The gate-keepers beckoned and cast us from sight
57
Meeting XIX, 22nd March: Speaker of the Year
Just one final chapter remains in what must by now be
quite a thick volume. That is the question which we
customarily settle in our last normal meeting, who is
the speaker of the year. The motion chosen for the
event was that This House Supports an EU
Common Defense Policy. The minutes are
presented below are as they were delivered at the
Annual General Meeting the following week, in which I
took the opportunity to reflect on the year as a whole
and to thank all involved. I add to my thanks, the
devout reader who has made it all the way to this, the
final movement, the closing act. In many ways this
final edition has been a revisitation of an epic year, the
emotions of which are no more clearly summarised
than in the following piece.
'Nay' said the auditor, 'please give me some time,
For soon I will have all the time in the world,
To go back to being a simple Barbie Girl,
And never again will I have to take pesky votes,
And be asked for resignation and hear the stupid
jokes,
And you will have a new commander and I will be
resigned,
And to the back left hand corner, I'll forever be
confined'
Year competition and what a way to go out: A worlds
semi-finalist chair judge, ten excellent speeches from
ten worthy finalists and the creation at the end of a
special perpetual medal for third time winner Sharon
Dillon-Lyons. And throw in a presidential medal, and a
silver and a bronze medal to signify how far ahead of the
next two speakers she was, a special mural to be painted
in the Aula Maxima, hopefully without buildings seeing
us and, of course, the obligatory order that she never be
allowed enter the damn thing ever ever again.
The debate itself was well contested on the prop by Tony
McDonnell, Mace Quarter-finalist, Julie Maher,
Maidens champion, Lorcan Price, Irish Times Finalist,
in absentio, Nuala Kane, Irish Times semi-finalist and
of course Sharon, whose credentials no one even checks
any more. On the Op was myself, James Hope, Interfacs winner, Ronan Harrington, who can't get off the
ground internally, but seems to do well elsewhere, Seán
Butler, Inter-facs winner and Vincent Lacey, who
partnered Seán in the quarter finals of the Istanbul
Open last Summer.
While the adjudicators argued in their super-secret
location beside the can machine in Smokey Joe's for
nigh on an hour, trying to come up with a wording on
the exact magnitude of Sharon's victory, Donna was
preemptively removed from the chair by a vote of no
confidence which she took gracefully by handing the
chain to the Vice-Auditor, evoking as little symbolism as
possible.
Three motions were put before the house at this the
final ordinary meeting of the society. Three were passed,
for the first time all year. But what an odd outcome: The
house decide that a 5-tier system of Government would
be optimal, decided that it had no confidence in the
current Government, and decided that a European While the vote was in jest, it gives me a chance to praise
Government should have discretion over the use of our the woman who promised the society on being elected
military.
that the glory days were not behind them and singlehandedly fulfilled that promise and brought glory onto
To briefly recount how we arrived at this conclusion, the society which will last long after she leaves the
let's recount briefly the evening's events. Beartla De campus to heal the world. On a personal level, working
Burca (3rd Arts) proposed a 5-tier system of under Donna was a daily pleasure and we are great
Government, or as was described by one opposition friends for the experience.
speaker, 'five levels of craziness'. He did so on the
grounds of bringing as much power to local level as The job of the recording secretary is to maintain the
possible. He was supported by Patrick Clusky and Seán unbroken link which connects us to those who have
Butler and opposed by Mark Hanniffy, Conor Kelly and preceded us and those who will proceed us, and with
Stephanie Joyce, long-term fan of Mr. De Burca's. I'm tonight being my last night in the society's service, it is
sure he was shocked to loose such a staunch ally.
an opportune time to reflect on our own legacy.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. DeBurca
for his prolific contribution to discussions in this house
throughout his time at NUI Galway, regardless of his
level of prior knowledge on a given topic. He would be
sorely missed were he ever to choose to leave.
Patrick Cluskey proposed a vote of no-confidence in the
Government and was supported by James Hope and
opposed by Martin Collins and Michael McHugh in a
debate which revolved mostly around protectionist and
liberal mechanisms of protecting the economy from
being swallowed up by our old ex-British empire
kindred spirits in India. If anyone thinks I'm being too
brief, the two summation speeches were 'I beg to
propose' and 'I beg to oppose' although the initial
analysis was of quite a high level.
When the members of the 260th society blow the dust off
the old laptop that's been up in the attic since the
invention of the think-o-file USB implant, and open up
the file on my hard drive which has borne the simple
title 'Minutes', what will they say the 160th session gave
to them? What is our legacy?
We start with a question and chip and chip away til it
better resembles an answer, or at least an arrow which
might lead us to one, or guide those who will succeed us.
And in truth it is not the answers we fashion from our
ignorance which mark the achievement, but the
resonance of the questions themselves and how they
made us question ourselves.
So if you’ll permit me, I wish to recall some of the
highlights of the 160th session using my beloved
The main business for the night was the Speaker of the question/answer format.
58
Question: Fr. Jeremy Davies, when a group of students
come together to talk about topics they don't care about,
is that the work of the devil?
Answer: If they mock God by saying he's a human
invention yes. If they encourage witchcraft, celebration
of Halloween, and pass motions stating his nonexistence, no.
More important question: John, did you vet this
Exorcist guy before inviting him?
Answer: But the interweb told me he wasn't crazy.
To Nancy Cartwright: Why don't you do impressions of
other famous people?
Answer: I don't do impressions. I'm actually Bart
Simpson. He's not a real person and if he were he
wouldn't be famous.
To Beartla De Burca from Michael O'Muircheartaigh:
How much did you say it would cost to pay professional
GAA players?
Answer: One hundred billion dollars.
Question: Where are the clampers when a caravan full
of travellers parks on my driveway?
More importantly: Who the hell is that guy in the
Galway jersey aiming a sniper at Kevin Myers?
Answer: Look travellers are a distinct ethnic group and
at the end of the day, it's all about equality and we really
do need a debate on this issue.
Question: From Dan Colley to Gerry Stembridge: Gerry
(pauses), what's happening to us?
Answer: Well Dan we've gone from being poor but
dignified to being rich and undignified and now we're
on our knees praying for our souls back.
Question: If we do rename the College, Queen's College
Galway, do you think she'd come over for the ceremony?
Answer: Some things just aren't worth selling out for.
Question: Mr. Sheen, how can you be anti-torture when
in Season Three of the West Wing, you ordered the
secret killing of the Qumari Defense minister in
retaliation for an act of terrorism?
Answer: Erm, I'm only the president on the television
young man and Qumar isn't a real country. Hey, didn't I
see you at Nancy Cartwright?
Question: If I'm locked in my garage and there's a guy
on my property but he's facing away from me, but
towards one of my cattle and giving me the finger over
his shoulder while shouting profanity about my mother
at the cow, then is it okay to shoot him? No? Okay what
if he tips the cow over?
Answer: Erm, no, he has to be at at least a 45 degree
angle towards you and be making a shooting gesture
with his hand. Then fire away.
Question: Dr. Casey can you prove that there's a God?
Answer: What exactly do you mean by proof?
Question: Are you sure you're allowed answer my
question with another question?
Answer: It's how philosophers put bread on the table.
Question: What table?
Answer: Touché.
Question: Is it okay for Mike Spring to buy a kilt for
£150 Sterling and then turn around and give out to us
for drinking coke?
Answer: Yes, along as he doesn't pull the kilt above knee
level and as long as we don't personally kill starving kids
for our bottle of coke.
Question: Will George W. Bush leave behind a stronger
world, a buoyant economy and a general global warm
fuzzy feeling?
Answer: We're not American and have no right to say
otherwise.
Question: Finally, is there anyone Ronan Harrington
can't carry to a major IV final?
Answer: Yes his name is Derek Lande and don't worry
Ronan, no man can carry Derek.
And what of our the characters they shall read of? What
of our brave committee, where will they be when the
260th session takes office?
What of our Auditor, running up the deadline on the
submission of her all-important final paper on the cure
for AIDS. It's very important, it's worth a whole 50% of
her course and a whole 70% of global mortality.
What of our Vice-Auditor, still trying to have the courts
recognise the Lit & Deb constitution as a binding legal
document.
What of our brave clerk, ruling the world, having
merged the 17 different accounting firms she's done
work placement with, and yet still receiving counseling
for her 12 months of trauma at the hands of the
Buildings Office.
What of me, sitting across the room from the clerk
pretending to take note of her memories for her ghostwritten autobiography but actually thinking up more
words to rhyme with the word 'resign'.
The one thing everyone walks from this theatre and
from this session with is an invaluable set of memories,
each unique, be they of chairing, speaking or, allimportantly, listening, be they of celebrities or merely
captivating speakers, of literature or of debating, of
competition or of service. Those memories are ours and
we treasure them.
And as the secretary I can only attempt to capture from
one angle, a set of memories which we can all hold in
common and to convey the spirit held throughout this
great session. For my part I hope I've conveyed a house
which respects its members, which looks forward with
enthusiasm and optimism and which asks constantly
those all important questions of its society of its
university and of itself. And I hope one day, some of
those gathered may read these minutes and recall
memories which had escaped them and smile afresh at
what we achieved and what we discussed.
Most importantly, I hope I have served you well and
given everyone the respect that the history of the society
owes them. It's been a pleasure to listen and hear the
thoughts of my peers unfold. My own memories of my
time in the Kirwan Theatre and at the podium will be
joyous ones.
To the committee of the 160th, it has been an honour to
serve among you. I was proud to witness the fruits of a
great generation of student and will be forever grateful
to Steven Nolan for co-opting me onto the 159th
committee and giving me this opportunity. You are
inspiring individuals bound by a humbling cause of free
thinking and rhetoric and I walk from this theatre duly
humbled and duly inspired.
And to those who seek to fill our shoes I wish good luck.
You may feel that you're the right man or woman for the
job and truth be told no other reason is an acceptable
one. But regardless of elections and the whims of the
masses, may no election ever deter anyone from these
chambers. To those for whom tonight is a nervous one, I
59
echo the words of Abie Philman-Bowman at the torture
debate, and before him, Jesus Christ: 'Be Not Afraid'.
And please remember, for quality control purposes,
your speeches may be recorded and later made fun of.
So the crowds gathered for the final time,
And once more in unison they shouted 'resign',
The Auditor slowly took to her feet,
And, as a fallen army began her retreat,
Before turning on her shoulder once more to say,
'Forget not that I promised ye more glory days',
And so it ended and the curtains were pulled,
And another year beckoned to those still upstood,
More challenges to face, more theatres to fill,
More motions to oppose and faith to instill,
60
Epilogue: A Peaceful Transition
The Annual General Meeting of the Society saw the
usual mix of constitutional review, due thanks and
praise to the see out the old, and drama at the ballot box
to see in the new. Some found the three-hour spectacle
too lengthy by half and had moved on by the halfway
point, while a group of independent observers from the
newly elected Law Society Executive commented
afterwards that this was exactly how an Annual General
Meeting ought to be.
Group to bring forward proposals along these lines.
Mark replied that he had made his proposal.
The Auditor asked that discussion on this issue be
postponed to a specific meeting on the matter, possibly
an EGM early in the 161st session and moved on to her
auditorial address:
It would have been hard not to have been emotional at
this point, reflecting once again on all that had been
achieved under Donna's stewardship. Her address was
Regardless of your perspective, change is always the
humble and individually flavoursome as her entry a year
name of the game at an AGM. And when things are
earlier. In her congratulations to the outgoing
going well, change can be hard to sell, or even to accept. committee, I found her personal message utterly
touching and heartfelt, and I hope that my colleagues,
The constitution was amended to include the following Orlaith O'Connor, Mike Spring, Caitríona Callanan,
names on the list of Honourary Life Members:
Jack Evans, Zoe McNair, Dan Colley, Steven Lydon,
Donna Cummins, outgoing Auditor, proposed by
Ronan Harrington, Stephanie Joyce, Vincent Lacey and
Patrick Cluskey. (This was followed by the inaugural
Patrick Cluskey share my experience. I know that each
presentation on behalf of the committee, of the
of us have and will return her compliments a thousand
Auditorial Seal of Office, a medal bearing the crest of
times over.
the society and the name of the outgoing auditor
engraved on the back).
Then all of a sudden, the 160th session was no longer of
John Moriarty, your outgoing Secretary, proposed by
interest, and the 1-6-1 were the numbers of everyone's
Ronan Harrington
lips.
Seán Butler, former Treasurer and Recording Secretary, Two nominations had been received for the position of
proposed by Patrick Cluskey
Auditor: Speeches were offered to this effect by
Caitríona Callanan, outgoing Promotions Officer,
candidates Patrick Cluskey and Beartla DeBurca. At the
proposed by Zoe McNair
ballot box, it was Mr. Cluskey who was triumphant. He
addressed the house ably in acceptance of the chain and
Sadly, the house did not add to the list the name of
the mantle of Auditor-elect, and then left the chamber
Ramiro Estivez, a.k.a. Martin Sheen. This saddened me in accordance with tradition.
deeply as Mr. Sheen is meritous of this honour in so
In his absence, a new Vice-Auditor and Treasurer were
many ways. He graced the silver screen in some of the
appointed without contest. They were Mr. Dan Colley
most challenging cinematic works of all time,
and Miss Orlaith O'Connor.
'Apocalypse Now' being the obvious example. His
Following this, Messers Emmet Connolly and Anthony
consistently riveting performance as President Josiah
Doherty were elected Recording Secretary and
Bartlett in 'The West Wing' brought, in my view, a
Corresponding Secretary respectively. Conor Kelly and
generation to engage in the world of decision-making.
Zoe McNair were elected Internal and External
All who meet him attest to his generosity with his time
Conveners, while Nuala Kane was elected as Schools
and all the while, he used this capital to try and effect
Convenor. Natasha Dillon-Leech was elected to the
change in the areas he believed in, as a constant believer position of Literary Officer, while the title of Public
in protest. But upon receiving his Honourary Doctorate Relations Officer was achieved by Niamh McNally.
from the NUI, he made the humble decision to come to Sinéad Barry was unopposed to the office of Promotions
our centre of excellence in Galway to learn about an
Officer, and Seán Butler was elected as Society
issue which caused him gravest of concerns, the
Development Officer. Finally, on a third ballot recount,
environment and the marine. He carried himself
David Finn was elected to the position of Clerk of the
brilliantly in his time at NUIG, and did our society alone House.
the singular honour of chairing a meeting on a topic
close to his heart. He may have been the only student
No other business was at issue, so there it ended.
ever to study at NUI Galway for all of the right reasons,
and I will always regret not standing up and saying that The Secretary thanks you for reading. Good luck.
at the AGM. Alas, the motion to grant him Honourary
Life Membership was abstained upon.
The discussion of the nature of the HLM accolade then
broadened, as Mark Hanniffy (Science Postgrad)
proposed a system whereby nominations for HLM be
submitted in writing to the auditor in the week before
the AGM, so that the auditor may have time to consider
and consult around the appropriateness of the
candidacy.
Tony McDonnell asked that the society go further and
place down more specific criteria for the conferring of
Honourary Life Membership and asked that Mark
Hanniffy be allowed chair a Constitutional Review
61
Thanks to Jennifer Houle, Partrick Cluskey, Vincent
Lacey, Orlatith O'Connor, Zoe McNair, Éimear Spain,
and Eileen Coughlan for their help in bringing this
publication to complication.
Thanks also to Caitríona Callanan for her photography.
62

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Transcription

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