inside - University of Oregon

Volume XVII. Issue II. Winter 2006.
INSIDE
Minutia. p.01 •
Reviews. p.
21 • Comic
A Goodwill P
s. p.23 •
hotojourney.
p.04 • 41-Ste
Judge a Man
ps to Get Ric
by His Shoes
h Quick. p.06
. p.22 • Live in
Eugene! p.27
David Lynch:
Now With Mor
e Transcende
PHOTOS
ntal Meditatio
: Halloween C
n! p.10
rit
ical Mass. p.19
• Anthony B. p.20 • Je
llo Biafra and
the Melvins. p.14
EDITOR IN CHIEF
scott e. carver
PUBLISHER
haley a. lovett
ART DIRECTOR evan m. meister
COVER ART evan m. meister
ASSOCIATE EDITORS
jon itkin
rebecca mckillip
eric weilbacher
CONTRIBUTORS
jefery aldrich
cory eldridge
john etter
brittany mcgrath
jordan meister
sean mis
damon pryor
gabe scheer
keith ten eyck
kevin uehlein
ethan walsh
BOARD OF DIRECTORS
jennifer hill
ryan bornheimer
raechel m. sims
brian a. boone
arah aichinger-mangerson
robert k. elder
autumn madrano
sam parks
cliff pfenning
MAILING ADDRESS
Oregon Voice Magazine
1228 Erb Memorial Union,
Suite 4, Eugene OR, 97403-1228
CONTACT
ovoice@uoregon.edu
www.oregonvoice.com
The Editor - 503-871-4120
MEETING
Monday 6pm
EMU Century Room F
volume XVII
issue II
Publisher’s Note
The bastard child’s new distribution box future
Well Oregon Voice, it seems that for this issue we’ve learned a lot about our past and gotten back to
our roots so that we may move on towards a bright future with you.
There was the breakfast with our founder, Cliff Pfenning, who reminded us that the Oregon Voice is the
somewhat unruly stepchild, or bastard child, if you will, of the Oregon Commentator. The Voice was
formed by a group of disgruntled Commentator staffers. We can only hope that one day we too will
spawn a publication.
We’ve been forced to do away with technology completely, at least in the Oregon Voice office. Our
only computer was stolen last year. Due to our stunted efforts at obtaining a new computer (and our
not even having an old timey typewriter) Scott was nice enough to volunteer to hand write this entire
issue (although his penmanship leads me to believe that Scott is either a very meticulous writer, or he
is dirty liar). But, as a result of our misfortune, we’ve only grown stronger. I mean this both literally and
figuratively. We have the entire staff on a workout regime so that someday we may avenge this crime.
And, since we passed through the season of giving, we decided to get the Oregon Voice a little gift,
well, actually a few gifts. We bought some new distribution boxes, and sometime in the very near
future the magazines will reside in these new little homes, scattered throughout campus so that the
masses will have better access to our brilliant drivel. Haley Lovett
Big City Wisdom
Things I learned in New York
Ah.. the big apple. She’s a far cry from the greenery of Eugene but in her own noisy, overcrowded,
concrete way she can be just as pleasant. And in case you ever decide to venture across the country,
We’ve put together a few tips so that, hopefully, you’ll fit right in with the highfalutin city folk.
New York is very hot in the summer and very cold in the winter-not hot and cold like we think of it in
Eugene, but sweat dripping down your leg hot and so cold it hurts cold. Please, dress appropriately.
Contrary to what you might expect, New York doesn’t have nearly as many crazy people per capita as
Eugene. Sure there are a few people who might be considered slightly off kilter here and there, but our
concentration of the wild and wacky is a phenomena all its own.
Surprisingly, some of the best, and worst, music on the island of Manhattan may be found in the subway
stations, and whether its greatness or a musical failure that you are witnessing, its worth a listen. As a
precautionary note: you should know that yes, there are rats in the subway and no, they are not nearly
as friendly as most furry creatures we’re used to.
There are secret rooms full of knock off items in China town and they are probably worth a look. To see
them, simply say yes to any of the 100 people or so that will ask you if you like Coach or Prada. As a
disclaimer, however, the Oregon Voice cannot be responsible for any consequences of this curiosity.
Finally, eat, drink, and be merry, especially if you are on vacation in New York. The food for the most
part is phenomenal and you can get almost anything delivered to your door. And there is quite the
selection of pub houses and bars if you’re interested, perhaps you should try out McSorley’s, the oldest
bar on the island, here you’re guaranteed to hear a bit of good times rabble rousing and group singing.
Haley Lovett
OREGON VOICE is published seven times per academic year, approximately twice per term. Correspondence and advertising business can be directed
to 1228 ERB Memorial Union, Suite 4, Eugene OR, 97403-1228 or to ovoice@uoregon.edu. Copyright 2006, all rights reserved by OREGON VOICE and
respective authors. Reproduction without permission is prohibited. OREGON VOICE is a general interest magazine that expresses issues and ideas
that affect the quality of life at the University and in the University community. The program, founded in 1989 and re-established in 2001, provides an
opportunity for students to gain valuable experience in all phases of magazine publishing. Administration of the program is handled entirely by students. If
you’d like to help out with the magazine we are always looking for writers, photographers, artists and schemers. Contributor positions are available on a
volunteer basis to UO students. Email ovoice@uoregon.edu.
Probably Carcinogenic
Our Daily Slander
Don’t say we didn’t warn you
Lies we wish were true
On December 19th, the EPA announced that it was fining the chemical giant
DuPont a paltry 16.5 million for two decades of coverup related to toxic
chemicals used in the production of Teflon. While the side effects have yet
to be seen, the compound, C-8 is indestructible, and capable of causing
birth defects and cancer. There is no telling how widespread cover-ups like
this are, but just to be safe, the following list outlines some possible sources
of ill health. Welcome to another edition of Our Daily Slander. Today we’re going to learn all
about the lives of Hollywood’s most sordid celebs. First on the chopping block are
the fabulous Frog Brothers; that’s right, the Cory’s, the two, the only, Cory Haim
and Cory Feldman. So what have these Hollywood hunks been up to in, hmmm,
say the last decade and a half or so? Not a lot. But that’s all about to change.
According to Feldman, who was last spotted at a Goonies anniversary in Astoria, Oregon,
the duo plan on teaming up again, but this time in the adult entertainment industry.
Oversized Headphones
The joy of secretly rocking out and ignoring your peers doesn’t make up
for the fact that you have 2 magnets cradling your noggin, emanating a magnetic field that goes directly through your brain. It is okay though, it makes
your shitty music seem better than it is. Suggestion: Don’t walk through
magnetic antitheft devices with headphones on.
According to inside sources, the two have signed an exclusive deal with the gay
porn giant, Flava Works. We can expect to see the Frog Brothers gracing the
shelves at our neighborhood adult emporium within the next couple of months.
Also, they’ll probably be on the next season of VH1’s “Surreal Life,” but more
people watch gay porn than that show. Next on the chopping block is Martin Lawrence, he didn’t do anything illegal, or even immoral - I just wanted to mentioned
him up because he hasn’t done anything funny in years. C’mon Martin, let’s get
with the picture.
Silver Spoons
Yes, despite what you’ve heard, silver spoons are actually bad for you,
especially if they are not cleaned properly and allowed to corrode. Heavy
metals go straight to the brain, but don’t tell the rich!
Raid
Raid contains many known carcinogens. Just cause you are too afraid to
throw rocks at that hornets nest doesn’t mean you should resort to chemicals, just hire the neighbor kid to throw the rocks for you.
Teflon Cookware
What? Teflon can be bad for you? That doesn’t make any sense. Probably want to avoid Teflon flaking off in your food. So far there is no definite
reports to suggest it is harmful, but that could mean anything.
See Also: deodorant, polyester, soy, non-dairy creamer, cleaning supplies
tube tops, back tattoos, abba zabbas, paint chips, loofah, orange.
Scott Carver
Asshole of the Month
The word “Unrated” on DVD boxes
Perusing the new releases at the local video store, a trend became apparent recently. More and more movies are released to DVD with the words
“unrated,” “uncut” and “uncorked” scrawled across their covers.
A couple years ago you had to wait for the special edition to come out, but
the uncut is a different breed than the special edition or the director’s cut. “Uncut” is a clever marketing buzzword that means practically nothing but
more raunchy humor and an extended running time tacked on. The main
category of “uncut” movies appears to be sophomoric comedies aimed at
college students. While a director’s cut is usually meant to fix some problem
caused by the studio and restore the artistic vision, the “uncut” is a conscious
but clever way of marketing to a certain audience, you. Though it may
improve DVD sales, the studios cannot legitimately claim that they are making these movies better. Rather than the redemption of a directors cut, most
“uncut” movies are shitty movies getting worse, or at least more of the same,
which is probably worse.
This hasn’t been a source of concern so far, but may raises issues for movie
purists in the future who want to see classics like the Dukes of Hazard and
the 40 Year Old Virgin in their original theatrical cut. Scott Carver Finally, we have the Olsen Twins, and no they’re not doing porn as well (sigh). The
gossip rags were all abuzz about Mary Kate’s eating disorder and possible coke
problem a year ago, but where are the twins now? Answer: Dead. That’s right; it’s
Hollywood’s best kept secret. In a bizarre murder-suicide pact last October, the
twins bludgeoned their handler to death with their Emmy (Full House), and then
proceeded to impale themselves upon ornate samurai swords. The three were
found in Ashley’s trailer after the twins didn’t respond to a call to set. Well, that’s
all for today. Keith Ten Eyck
Ten Bucks
Short Stack of Country LP’s
I love old vinyl records and the stores that sell them. It takes a certain amount
of character to sell old records because they’re not worth much. They’re not
new or trendy beyond the cult of music dorks that buy them. You’re not going to
see bins of Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and Joe Jackson at the mall. You will find them at Balcony Books and Records, a tiny storefront on Willamette north of Kinko’s. I passed by their “we buy and sell old records” sign
many times before I actually went inside. When I did, I found a classic hole-inthe wall used bookstore, with volumes lining every inch of usable space –except an
area behind the front window with a bunch of record bins, maybe ten total.
I dug into the two-bin “Country and Bluegrass” section. I love classic country
about as much as I love the plastic discs it comes on. But that’s another story. It took me about five minutes to find the records I wanted. I bought Wanted! The
Outlaws with Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson, Hello, I’m Johnny Cash and
Danny Davis and Willie Nelson with the Nashville Brass. All were in excellent
condition except the Johnny Cash record, which had a couple of scratches.
I kept flipping to see what else Balcony had in the other sections - some good
stuff, I must say. The prices were fair, but I still could have spent another forty
dollars. Whoever organized the records knows what people want and how much
to charge. I highly recommend the store to any music buff or record enthusiast.
The book selection was no slouch, either. The shelves were neatly organized,
with labels like “Oregon History” and “Beat Literature.” Balcony isn’t the a store
you go to with a huge list of titles you want, but a place where you go to find
something great. Jon Itkin
03
Stage Banter 101 Flashgasm:
It can’t make or break a show, but it certainly can change
your perspective of an artist. It can come before, in the
middle of, or after a set, often all three. We don’t ask for
it, but we often get it as a sort of bonus to the price we
pay to see a band live. It’s that banter that so frequently
segues one song into another. By Haley Lovett.
We get to hear the lead singer, and sometimes others, tell us tales of the road, or of
our own town, or tug at our heart strings. Band banter could be considered as much
an art form as the music itself. It aims to entertain, but sadly just as often as the
rambler hits their mark, they miss. So, for the sake of live performances everywhere,
I’ve decided to put together a few tips to bring the wit back to witty banter.
At the beginning of shows, when the adoring fans have stopped cheering and yelling,
the lead singer should make it explicitly clear whether or not they will be letting
anyone in the audience impregnate or be impregnated by his or herself, and then
clarify which audience member will be the lucky one, perhaps pointing a spotlight. This way we can avoid hearing them address this request from audience members
throughout the show.
The next words out of the speakers mouth should be “We are (insert name here),
and we will be opening our set tonight with the song Freebird”, this way, no one has
to listen to guy request Freebird during a show, ever again.
Now, as far as stories about the writing of the songs are concerned, keep telling
them. One thing to remember is that some fans go to more than one show and that
the feeling of spontaneity is ruined when an artist tells the same story twice. My
advice is to tell the truth during the first show of the tour, after that, the band can
spend their free time on the road making up the reasons for songs, the meanings
behind them etc. “I wrote this love song while looking for treasure in the wreckage
of the Titanic” or “I’ve always loved dumpster diving, so much in fact, that I wrote this
love song about it”. Anything will do really, just keep the fans guessing.
If someone’s cell phone rings, a band member should always answer it. I’ve seen
this done a few times and find it quite amusing. In fact, feel free to place a cell phone
on the floor of venue before the fans get there, then have a band member call it
while on stage and see if any of the fans answer it, this will add a new twist to an old
favorite.
Jokes on stage are always a crapshoot. Try to avoid telling them if at all possible. If
you mildly bomb one you will lose your cool, but if you hit a home run, more funny
jokes will be expected in the future and you might crack under the pressure of it all. Either go so lame with a joke that you are booed and can laugh it off, or tell academic
jokes so that smart people will understand and laugh, and the not so smart will laugh
so no one knows they are a stupid (with jokes of intelligence you might also avoid
being dubbed “funnyman”, although you might earn yourself a reputation for being a
pretentious asshole).
Although this is only banter in its most basic form, when introducing your band
members, which usually happens during the last song of the regular set, don’t make
such a big show of it. Introducing “Crazy Carl on the congos” and then giving him a
15 minute solo is usually boring for most of the audience. Let the band vote on any
nicknames before using them onstage, and set up a time limit on the solo. Make
sure everyone is clear on the rules, and use an egg timer if someone is consistently
hogging the stage.
Not everyone that can sing or play can also moonlight as a stand up comedian or
poet. In the game of witty banter, less can be more.
04
There is a generalization among casual
internet users that Macromedia Flash is
only used for annoying animated banner
ads and questionable interfaces. That is
true most of the time, but there are also
some cool designers out there improving
interactivity with little bits of flash, making
life easier and more fun. The following
are three awesome noncommercial web
sites that use Flash in innovative
ways, and wouldn’t be the
same without it.
By Scott Carver.
Yugop
Yugo Nakamura is a designer producing
Flash-based projects that are as impressive as they are fun to use. “Border” creates
a organic looking wave that is affected by cursor
interaction. “Jampack” simulates a room full of balls that all
interact as you move and toss them. This is especially cool
on ‘semi-automatic.’ The level of interactivity is more playful
than anything else, still cool enough to make you wish you had
taken more math classes in high school. “Amaztype Zeitgeist”
produces a dynamic list of popular search terms from Amazon.
com, arranged by Title, Author, Artist, Actor and
Director. http://yugop.com/
Beauty and Chaos
Beauty and Chaos is a multi-user environment that allows users to draw on the
page using the mouse pointer. The page
starts out as a blank grey background with
a “users connected” readout at the bottom. As the user clicks and drags the mouse, a thin
yellow line is drawn. The real fun begins when multiple users
visit the page at the same time - lines build up in a dense,
chaotic fashion. Battle with strangers, play games in real time
or meet up with your friends for a collaborative good time. http://ericdeis.com/content/beautyand
chaos/beautyand chaos.php
Presstube
Presstube is a collection of works
by James Paterson a multimedia
designer with a propensity for
hand-drawn, quirky, flash-based
projects. Presstube is mostly eye
candy, though it’s definitely worth
checking out, with its dense layers of
weird characters, organic movements and
absurd animated explosions. “19” is especially cool. The use of
analog-looking elements is a welcome addition to the typically
straight edged world of Flash design. For some reason this site
just makes me giggle gleefully. presstube.com
Credit Reform
Since October 17th, you may have noticed an increase
in the number of offers for credit cards you periodically
get in the mail. No, you’re not special. It’s the recent
‘reforms’ to the bankruptcy code that have the fine folks
of the credit card industry, who basically wrote the bill,
salivating for your pennies, ad infinitum.
By Eric Weilbacher.
The Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005 S. 256 (you’ll
note that the Orwellian-phrase batting average of the Bush Administration is perhaps
record setting) represents some of the most sweeping changes in decades to the very
way society functions. It is based on the presumption that people abuse the system,
and that abuse is rampant and must be curtailed. But most studies indicate that only
3% of those who file for bankruptcy could still repay at most up to 1/3 of their debt. According to a joint study of the Harvard Law and Medical Schools, half of the roughly
2 million annual bankruptcy filings were medical in nature, either because of insufficient insurance or complete lack of insurance. But that’s tough shit, because Sen.
Ted Kennedy’s two amendments focused on giving consideration to medical related
bankruptcies were flatly rejected.
So what’s so different? Instead of a judge assessing your situation and ability to pay, a
complex ‘means test’-a standardized formula- applies. It’s like the standardized tests
of the No Child Left Behind Act but more fun.
Before being eligible to even file bankruptcy, you must attend approved credit counseling, and commit to it.
The price of getting legal help will skyrocket, because if the lawyer goofs on a calculation and the case is thrown out, she is subject to financial-sanctions--essentially
punishment for representing you.
The role of the judge to, well, judge, is gone. Instead, the IRS does the judging for
the court, reviewing the records and determining eligibility on their own. Before these
changes you could file under Ch.7, which liquidates your debt, and were a judge to
determine you should still pay some of the debt, the judge would likely augment the
Ch.7 filing with a reduced payment plan, which would fall under Ch.13. Now Ch. 13
cannot be filed until 4 years after filing for Ch. 7. If you file Ch.7 and they throw the
case out, due to record transgressions or other disqualifying reasons, you have no
alternative!
Automatic stay, the legal way of stating the most important function of filing bankruptcy and immediate discharge of your debts, is now restricted and delayed. What is
the point of filing anymore, you might ask? That’s the point: stick with your minimum
payments on the visa. The credit industry takes a blow every time you pay off debt or
even pay above the minimum requirement. They lust for your incurred interest.
But if this is reform, isn’t it across the board? If the consumer has no legal backbone
to lean on, is the credit industry now required to become more transparent and accountable? Great Question!
Sen. Akaka submitted an amendment to require credit lenders to provide a timetable
for how long it will take to pay off your debt if only making the minimum payment, and
how much in the end would be interest. This reform was rejected.
In case you forgot, that’s not conducive to reckless, gluttonous, insatiable lending, and
no one in the statist-sorry-conservative majority would want to curtail the freedom of
lenders to lend with all their heart. God bless. Special effects
versus time
Special effects, for the most part, are a
dominant attraction to a film these days but as
far as the effects, have you noticed that after
returning to a film years later, the effects are
sub-par and inadequate to your heightened
sensibilities? By Sean Mis.
A strange business, movies are, with their colossal hype, then a
sudden plummet to back-seat status. “Oh, yeah, I forgot all about
that film.”
Most films are ground breaking as they are released; it is just time
and the constant-evolution factor that ruins films that supposedly
have “groundbreaking effects” Hollywood’s bar-raising standards
and constant ability to outperform others in the industry has been a
real treat for the movie-goers of the past three or four decades. The
special effects of yesterday fall into that large knapsack titled “Things
American’s Become Annoyed With Because It Lost Their Attention
After One Use.”
After wondering what constitutes a movie considered worthy of
special-effects-mentioning, I thought of a lot of current films, but then
I thought about the older ones, too. What about the greats of the
seventies and eighties, they surely could not have stood the test of
time. Even Star Wars Episode IV-VI and Blade Runner are not as
eye-pleasing as they once were, though still amazing movies. The
Indiana Jones films are not effects-riddled as much as they are filled
with simple but organic looking effects.
A decade or so back, cgi burst on the Hollywood scene with newfound
vigor. Jurassic Park was the ruler of that dynasty and the Terminator
was there too. Are these films are beginning to slip now? Why did
these films lose the touch of the computer-less classics of earlier
times? Perhaps it had been the transition, or the co-habitation of
handmade effects and computer generated images.
I foresee such modern day classics like Matrix and the Lord of the
Rings trilogy falling into the abysmal darkness of the previously
mentioned knapsack. Yes, they railed their predecessors, but is
Gollum going to be so cute five years from now? Or are those
hundred Agent Smiths going to be as “unbeatable” as they
once were?
The past few years has had an especially bright spot, beaming from
the cgi’s laboratory with such amazing creatures like “Sin City,”
and “King Kong.” Increasingly the backgrounds are more lush, the
simulations are more crisp, the voice-overs are more in-sync; these
films are contenders to stand the test of time. Either that or they are
fresh in our minds and have not had a new contenders to brush them
aside. But as moviegoers, we are truly in the midst of cgi’s hey-day.
We are living in a wonderful time. Just fear the next transitory era,
going from “perfection” to who knows what.
05
Why Does This Exist?
Whether you’re looking for that perfect vintage t-shirt, mug, gold picture frame, or Mariah Carey
cassette tape, Goodwill rarely disappoints. Alas, with all those goodies waiting to be snatched
up, there are also tons of items that sit there on the shelves, the embodiment of American
overconsumption. The following is a photo journey inside the Southeast 6th Goodwill in Portland.
Photography by Rebecca McKillip. Words by Rebecca McKillip and Haley Lovett.
Porcelain Turkey
with hand painted leaf
stenciling pattern in lieu
of feathers. Probable reason for
existing: Most likely
this was meant to adorn
the mantle of some
obsessively crafty
home decorator. When
Christmas came around,
the turkey had to migrate.
NSYNC Backstage Pass Game (Loaded with juicy personal facts
you won’t find anywhere else!): Who in their right mind would get
rid of this game? Probable reason for existing: To keep NSYNC
fans in a tizzy, like, six years ago.
Ship in a light bulb: This
raises the question, which
came first, the light bulb or
the ship. Who made this
and why does it only cost
$4.99? Is this art or postmodern garbage?
Probable reason
for existing: To be
meticulously crafted, loved,
then gently tossed into the
Goodwill abyss. Maybe
one day it will make it onto
someone’s mantle, where
it will collect dust and
eventually get broken
by a small child.
Pink lips and lipstick: This lights up and simultaneously makes
an annoying beeping sound when the lipstick tube is pushed down.
Probable reason for existing: A cheap room
decoration for sassy 12-year-old girls.
Under-the-sea themed clock: Made of
some type of futuristic foam substance:
It’s google-eyes lure small children into
its magical clutches. Probable reason
for existing: Big Cotton executives
push leftover cotton (seen here on the
whorey mermaid) on producers after
their yearly boom with all of the santa
beard art projects.
06
Golfing Santa:
a.k.a, Dave,
according to the
name on the bag.
So Santa golfs and
his real name is
Dave. Either that or
Santa killed Dave
and posing as him
to get free golf.
Probable reason
for existing: A
Christmas gift
marketed to wives
of older males.
Playskool Boobah Dance Along Zing Zingbah (purple colored):
Didn’t America learn a valuable lesson from Barney and that
supposedly homosexual Teletubby, Tinky Winky? Purple children’s
television characters only mean trouble and the poor purple Boobah
has to suffer in a cage as a result. Look at the desperation in its
eyes! Probable reason for existing: To become another target for
right-wing Republicans, fearful of the subversive nature of children’s
television programming.
Cloth Bible: A short collection of Bible stories. Perfect for small children: They’ll
have endless fun makebelieve-re-enacting the Bible from David and Goliath to
Moses, even the last hours of Jesus. Probable reason for existing: America
clearly needs more colorful, simplified, and physically huggable versions of the Bible. Cat in a sugar bowl. According to an Goodwill insider, baby
animal figurines with hats are such hot sellers, they rarely stay on
the shelves more than a few minutes. We are fortunate to see this
little one, untouched in its natural habitat. Probable reason for
existing: To compliment the paper mache puppy wearing a beret
that is in your flour jar.
Barbra Streisand Records: Only in the world of Goodwill does
one have to pay money for obvious garbage like this. You can
get the whole collection, but what are you going to do with them
then? They will barely burn anymore they are so old. Probable
Reason for Existing: There just aren’t enough Michael Jackson
albums to fill that void in your heart.
Barbie plane: Cheap baby blue
monstrosity on wheels. Barbie
stickers decorate the sides but
the germ-conscious should be
wary of peering inside for full
enjoyment. Farther down the
aisle was an extra wing strewn
aside, plastered with a giant,
vacant Barbie face.
Probable reason for existing:
To get young girls psyched
about their future jobs as flight
attendants.
07
Get
Alright, so you have $20,000 in student loans and
another grand on your credit card and you haven’t
even graduated college – isn’t America great? If
there is one thing we can thank our forefathers for
it is the God-given right to near-infinite credit and
with it, near-infinite debt. But once you’ve had your
fun, and the parents stop bailing you out, you need
to start paying that shit off. Why get a dead end
job when you can just get rich quick, the 41 step
Oregon Voice way. Cautionary note: When used
individually these steps will not work; they must be
used in strict succession.
Rich
1
Petty Theft – This is nothing to be proud
of but it is a good first start, and a good introduction
to the get-rich-quick mindset. Start with lawn ornaments, children’s toys, other people’s garbage and
food from social events which you were not invited. Once you are feeling reckless, work your way up to
larger or more valuable items like bicycles, jewelry
and electronics.
Quick
the 41-step
2
Pawn everything except the toys – sell items
as you get them instead of waiting for one suspiciously large blowout. cure-all 3
solution
to making
money fast 4
Create alternate identities. Sometimes making
money means not getting caught. You will need
at least one false identity prepared to sell yourself
quickly and believably if information is requested. Practice. With time you may want to create different
identities for different situations, eventually a different
personality for everyone you meet.
by scott carver
and haley lovett
Spend all of your money on junk food, the
more fattening the better. This will be the start
of your campaign to put on as much weight as
possible as quickly as possible. This may seem
like a bad use of funds, but the best investment
you can make is in yourself.
5
Panhandling is easy an easy way to get
back up to speed on your scheming. You will
need a slow, steady, second income, it is
a great way to pay for your cigarettes and
junk food regimen.
6
08
.
Purchase a voice recorder and
carry it with you at all times. If you’ve
stolen enough recently, also purchase
a hidden camera. This stuff will come
in handy later on.
7
Purchase a gun. The psychic
said you would only kill once during your
lifetime. Trouble is you don’t know which
day. Better carry it off safety until then.
8
Start a nude cleaning service. People will pay good money to watch
you clean their house – especially
if there is a happy ending. Just be
careful with those harsh cleaning
supplies, you don’t want to get
chemical burns on your, uh, saddle.
9
Start dating a computer
nerd, preferably someone who
knows UNIX, HTML, PHP,
MYSQL, Photoshop, is capable of
administering their own server and
owns their own computer.
10
Start learning
Spanish. Two years in high
school isn’t going to cut it
south of the border. You must
learn to conduct business on
a cell phone.
11
Buy a disposable
camera and start taking senior
portraits. Paint a sunset on
your wall and set up a photo
studio in your bedroom. Get
your disposables one-houred
at Wal-Mart and markup the
product 1000 percent when
you sell it to the kid’s parents. Business will only be good for
about a month but you’ll be able
to rake in a couple Gs.
12
Invite your friends
out to dinner as often as possible,
but “forget” to bring your wallet. Of course you must refrain from
noticing this until after you have
eaten multiple courses.
13
Once you are sufficiently large, sell your bodily fluids. Plasma, sperm
and milk all turn a pretty penny, but it’ll only be worthwhile if you have enough of
them in bulk.
14
Get you’re computer nerd boyfriend/girlfriend to help you start a porn
web site. The key is to tap an underserved market of erotica seekers, such as
body-builder porn, Christian porn, ipod porn, ventriloquist porn and so on. It
doesn’t have to get weird, just keep it eclectic.
15
Make an infomercial promoting your own series of instructional audio
tapes. For the filming you will pay a celebrity cohost to assist you. To save
money, hire a washed up Soap Opera actress. These tapes are part of a real
estate pyramid scheme that pays out directly to you. And as long as everyone
below you keeps selling their quota of tapes, they can keep their jobs as your
slaves.
16
Fill out online surveys: this takes countless hours and you’ll be
getting paid less than minimum wage, but if it is late at night and you can’t be
scheming in the real world, might as well pick up a few extra bucks, care of
your insomnia. You’ll have to wait 6-8 weeks to get your check and gift card
though. Its called an investment.
17
Become a life coach. Despite what you might think, you don’t
necessarily have to be successful to be a life coach, your life doesn’t even
need to be in that great of shape. All that is important is that you convince
people that you are a life coach, and then turn the conversation right
around on them. Once you get inside your coachee’s head, you’ll be able
to scam him out of his own money!
18
Start making moonshine in the basement and sell it to local
underage kids. 19
Secretly get liposuction and get a job endorsing something. A weight supplement is a natural choice. Just make sure you choose a
good name. You can usually tell how good a weight supplement is by how
misspelled its name is so choose something like Fat-EEEEZ or Hypr Flexx and
everyone will buy it.
20
It’s almost Christmas now, so start making inexpensive “crafts” out of
clothespins and cotton balls that look like reindeer, Santa Claus, angels and other
ridiculous junk that you can sell to old women at Holiday Bazaars. Sell them new
junk every year – not only did they forget they already bought it, but that shit gets
thrown away as soon as the grandkids get it.
09
21
28
Start a cult – it’s as easy as it sounds! You just need a solid premise
(Oprah lovers, retro-futurists, depressed child actors, ) some cheap snack food
and a room that locks from the outside. Once your followers are sufficiently
malnourished, make them sign away their bank accounts and sell them back to
their desperate relatives. Double payoff!
Hire yourself an agent. You should be
making enough by now that 20 percent is chicken
scratch. You need this money-weasel looking out
for you when you’re scouting for new prospects and
meeting new people. He’ll keep you out of trouble
with the law.
22
29
Remember all of those kids toys you’ve been hoarding? (See
step 1) They should be vintage by now so sell them on Ebay to the highest
bidder.
Start a charity that a very few people
benefit from, one of them being you. You’ll have to
find out what niche you fit into before you create the
charity or else it won’t be worth your time. If you
need to get paid quickly just go door-to-door telling
people you work for a charity and take their cash. Make up horrifying and uncomfortable causes so
they won’t ask questions about your charity but can’t
refuse making a donation.
23
Buy an exotic animal, force it to wear a beret and make art. Just cover its paws or feet with paint and let the critter figure the rest
out. You can sell these one-of-a-kind paintings to eccentric collectors
for untold amounts. On the side you will photograph the paintings
and make postcards of the art accompanied by religious quotes.
30
24
Start a health spa and charge rich crabby women large
amounts of money to visit. Create an atmosphere of elegance
with European dance music, palm trees and a fog machine. You’ll need to mix up some sort of special facial cream to drive
the ladies mad and pay extra for your custom blend. Don’t tell
them but the secret sauce is just mayonnaise and ketchup.
25
Create a brand of Nutritional Cigarettes and
market them towards health conscious smokers. They are
less dangerous than regular cigarettes! Smoking is the
leading cause of preventable death in the US. It’s called a
target market!
26
Start selling encyclopedias door-to-door. Pretty soon you’ll work your way up from salesman to
sales manager to regional manager, and then your
underlings can do the work while you get a symbolic
paycheck and focus on other projects.
27
Pose as a health inspector and
make unexpected visits to local restaurants. Generally this will require a trench coat, a fake
badge, a moustache and some forced candor. This will be awkward at first but you will learn
to play the part, just stand your ground and
make lots of idle threats. You accept both
cash bribes and checks payable to “cash.”
Sell insurance for of unlikely causes,
like killer bees, polio and Armageddon. You can
charge high rates because no one else will be
selling insurance. At the same time you can use
that as a selling point, cause you’re the only one
doing it right. Most likely you’ll never see the day
when you have to pay up, but when you do, just
disappear overnight.
31
Fire your agent and hire a lawyer. It’s
time to grow up and start taking the world like the criminal you are. If and when you need to fight the
law, you’re going to need a professional on your
side. If you get the lies right before they happen
you don’t have to do as much thinking on your feet­. 32
There is only one way to get back at a
job you hate: steal their money. If you feel like you
deserve a raise, you probably do, and management
has no idea how hard your job is. It is only called
“embezzling” if you get caught, until then its just
unspecified “accounts payable” purchases.
33
Sue! Now that you have a lawyer you can’t
afford not to sue everyone you can think of.
34
Blackmail: Its time to translate all of that audio
and hidden camera footage into cash! Be calm, the lawyer
will guide you.
10
35
Start a check cashing service in the seediest part of town. Your lawyer
will show you how to keep people in debt and suckling at your teet. 36
Create a baby animal calendar and sell it by the case on the world
market. Your cute animals will sell fall and wide, irregardless of language. Be
sure to include kittens, ducklings and puppies to stay up with the international
standards of your competition, and include other animals to gain the upper hand
in the market. Bonus points for promoting tolerance by showing natural enemies
in play as babies. Dogs and cats, cats and birds, tiger cubs and newborn lambs. The exoticism of your mix is directly proportional to your profits, and is also
linked to cuteness.
37
Create the “next hot Christmas toy” and sell it to unsuspecting
holiday consumers. Create a demand for it through under-distribution, and
then sell the toys on the black market for a stiff markup. This will give the toy
“street cred” and help it sell well into January before everyone realizes it is
trash.
38
Find and under-celebrated holiday, and convince Americans to
purchase the associated celebratory products. Some possibilities include
Bastille Day, World Ocean Day, Boxing Day, Groundhog’s Day, Loyalty
Day, Patriot’s Day, Pioneer Day, Queen’s Day and so on. All you’ll need
some celebrity endorsers and your well on your way. You will be able to
corner the market this first year but by next year everyone will have caught
on. You’ll have to take it up a notch by revealing a new holiday each year. 39
Start an Invention Brokerage and aggressively purchase other
people’s ideas for profit. Once you have a few products you’ll be raking
in the cash. Become the middleman and screw the little guy out of the
deal.
40
Become a Colombian Drug lord. You will need to buy a
small plane and learn how to fly it. Thanks to those classes you’ll
speak perfect Spanish as you visit your new workers. Within a few
months you’ll be flying cases of cocaine back home. 41
Rent a warehouse and hire illegal immigrants to clip
coupons, which you will redeem for cash value. At the rate of one
twentieth of a cent each, you only need 2000 coupons to make
one dollar. With 2 million coupons you will get $1000, at 2 Billion
coupons you will become a millionaire.
Alright, if you got this far you are rich now, it happened during
step 41, so your welcome. All that’s left now is becoming a
sovereign nation. Then you can do whatever you want!
11
David Lynch visits campus
Tuesday, November 8, 2005 was a truly momentous occasion. David Lynch, visual artist, musician,
filmmaker and reclusive genius was here to speak at the University of Oregon. He came out of his hole
in the ground where he keeps all his genius and indecipherable film to speak to college students about
how stressful school can be. By Jordan Meister. Illustration by Evan Meister.
Some were lucky enough be in the same room
but most of us scrounged for seats in the overflow
area in the EMU Ballroom to see the man speak
on “Consciousness, Creativity and the Brain” via
webcast from Colombia Hall with quantum physicist
Dr. John Hagelin and neuroscientist Dr. Fred Travis
(incidentally, mom said not to trust people with two
first names). Lynch made a special appearance in
the ballroom to say thanks for coming and to field
the first of many off topic, fluff-ball questions from
the students, “Where are you staying tonight?”
Lynch had the crowd in the palm of his hand from
the get go. Greeted with a standing ovation upon
arrival that was downright embarrassing, Lynch had
already served his purpose for this conference. No
matter what he would say in the following hours
concerning transcendental meditation, creativity
or Dune, Lynch got people to show up and that
was why he was there. I am glad he soon left for
Colombia Hall, as I did not feel rude when I left
early from the disappointing and condescending
presentation filled with silly tropes and buzz words
tailor made for us students. I hope the trio did
not speak to the students at NYU, Yale, Penn
and Brown this way. Perhaps Lynch had them in
his palm too, and they could not tell they were
watching salesman.
The presentation on “Consciousness, Creativity
and the Brain” and the announcement of the David
Lynch Foundation For Consciousness-Based
Education and World Peace was led off by no
other then the genius himself, David Lynch. Lynch
began by vaguely speaking of a dark-period in his
life before he turned to transcendental meditation.
After meditation: bliss. Bliss, he had bliss, a
blissful life. That and he did not have to wear his
figurative rubber chicken suit of stress and anxiety
anymore, all thanks to transcendental meditation.
Transcendental meditation will supposedly cure
anxiety and the epidemic of stress in students
and on campuses by “unfolding creativity and
intelligence.” This may be true but beyond finding
a mantra, any sort of elaboration on how to even
begin transcendental meditation never came up.
Add to that the seemingly willful ignorance to the
fact that competition in college is widely seen as
the root of stress, anxiety and a lack of creativity in
students at universities, the panel did not exactly
get off to a hot start tackling their set objective.
Lynch did say, “tonight we will hear about how to
achieve peace on earth” but we never really got
12
a good description of that either, just direction
to davidlynchfoundation.org. After his short,
ineffective introduction and a few more mentions of
the word bliss, Lynch opened up the forum to take
questions from the audience.
A barrage of film students, movie buffs and fans
greeted Lynch with mostly gushing praise and
questions about his films and filmmaking process.
Some were well-thought and others a bit farreaching. Lynch was not there to explain the entire
process of creating a film step-by-step and he
typically brushed aside questions from those who
wanted a secret or two on how to make it in the
biz. What we did find out is that he does not know
what could be in the box in Mulholland Dr. and
that “If you want to send a message go to Western
Union,” an admirable statement from an artist
obviously not willing to give away his life’s work in
a couple hours. To his credit he attempted to redirect some of the questions back toward the topic
at hand, albeit with the same vague terminology
and lame dichotomies such as light as positive
versus dark as negative, which with he started the
presentation.
The most interesting question of the night came
from a man who was a self-taught transcendental
meditation student. He inquired as to why money
seemed to be an over-riding theme and why it was
needed if transcendental meditation is a personal
journey. Lynch flippantly answered the man
and told him that it was for spreading the word
and building a think tank of sorts for meditation
in Washington D.C., for world peace. The man
quickly backed down, surprised at the quick
response Lynch gave him. Lynch then reacted by
very politely thanking the speaker for the thoughtful
question, resulting in the night’s most awkward
moment. It seemed he had a hit a hot button
with Lynch. After a few more questions Dr. John
Hagelin was introduced and Hagelin thanked Mr.
Lynch reminding us of his genius. Do not forget,
Lynch is a genius.
OK, Lynch either dominated the other members
of the panel at “Brain Quest” with many a “genius
point” or Lynch was being used as a familiar
reference to prop up the other members of the
panel’s work with his support. By the end of
my time spent listening to Lynch I was pretty
convinced he was less genius and more idiot
savant - more likely capable of telling us how
many toothpicks just fell on the floor than able to
coherently describe his colleague’s research.
Dr. John Hagelin took the podium lamenting the fact
he was bald and adding that Lynch had an amazing
“coiffure” sending even more praise to Lynch. Can’t
disagree with that, dude has great hair. Hagelin, a
quantum physicist with a PhD from Harvard recently
appeared in the “hit” film What the Bleep Do We
Know!?. A bit of a dubious distinction given that its
hit status lay not with critics (who met the film with
a collective groan and questions about misapplied
quantum mechanics) but probably with stoned
college students who “just had their minds blown”.
Perhaps the University of Oregon was a logical tour
stop.
Hagelin posited that the brain is the source of an
unlimited consciousness that is part of a field of unity
that we all belong to. He continued speaking on the
field of unity and its infinite amount of knowledge,
suggesting all libraries could be burned if we could
tap into the unbridled consciousness in the field of
unity. He explained that it was key to symphonize
the cacophonous orchestra in our brains through
meditation. He says this could lead to the end of
nationalism and the beginning of a global citizenship
which he evidently believes is what’s best for the
world.
According to Hagelin, research on these theories and
the possibility of a real change in people who are
near or around transcendental meditation is currently
taking place in Washington D.C. - Not because of the
high crime and poverty rates of the city but because
of the current administration. He must have thought
a little Bush-bashing would get the audience on his
side. The idea of physical change through thought or
meditation was further explored by Dr. Fred Travis.
Dr. Travis, a neuroscientist at Maharishi University
of Management, first showed slides of a monkey’s
brain gradually, physically changing after a continual
set of stimuli were applied to the monkey. Stress,
he said, has the same affect on the brain and can
create noticeable lesions. Explaining that the brain
is literally shaped with each new input of information
(even this article), Travis noted that the brain is the
interface between our inner-selves and our outside
environment. At this point I thought that when he had
said he was going to show us something cool he
would use his brain to levitate and throw a coffee mug
across the room. Alas he just introduced an average
college student to participate in his presentation.
David Lynch Continued on page 15
Jello Biafra and the Melvins
at the WOW Hall
14
Photography by John
Etter
LIVE IN EUGENE
George Carlin
Live at the Hult Center
10.21.05
The Hult Center was packed on Oct. 21 for
a few hours of jaw cracking laughter by the
legendary George Carlin. Since the 1950’s
the stand-up comedian has been entertaining
crowds and putting out classic comedy
albums. Tonight he was in Eugene. The
crowd included not only prehistoric George
fans, but also many college students.
The opening act was Dennis Blair, the guy
who usually opens for George. Blair, looking
to be in his 40’s, wore a tucked in shirt and his
slacks a little too high - his jokes creating a
light mum of laughter.
After Blair and some concession snacks, the
seats began to fill back up with the anticipation
for Carlin. I had never seen Carlin’s act and
was excited to endure my second comedy
show. Before the show I had asked my mother
about George’s act and she only left me
with “kinda raunchy.” Those words did not
come close to preparing me for his kickoff
words: pussy-farts. The joke was that society
does not use the word much and it needs to
make a comeback. “Pussy-fart” coming out
of a skinny, gray haired little man was kinda
funny, but mostly reminded me of finding my
grandpa’s porn stash. I was not disgusted by
the joke–just by the fact that the visually vulgar
phrase came out of a 68 year old.
The rest of the show consisted of jokes about
sex, the government, and who could forget
ugly, fat, and old people. But something I had
never heard before was George’s request for
a suicide reality channel. All suicide, all the
time. Knowing reality television these days, it
will probably happen.
Besides Carlin’s repetitive sound effects
and attempt to rap, it was a good show. This
particular tour was in support of George’s new
HBO special “Life is Worth Losing,” so if you
want to catch Carlin’s recent material, start
there. Brittany McGrath.
!!! - CHK CHK CHK
Live at the WOW Hall, 12.1.05
Henry Rollins - Live at the McDonald
Theater 11.21.05
When !!!, pronounced “chik chik chik,” came to
the W.O.W. Hall December 1st, they became
the saviors of a fading pastime: The dance
party. It’s safe to say no one at this show was
standing against the wall with arms crossed,
nodding their heads. !!! knows how to get the
people dancing. Audio Schizophrenic opened,
spinning house favorites old and new, and for
a moment the ravers of the late 90’s returned
to the dance floor, blinking lights and all. !!!
pumped out thumping funk beats, electro
loops, and indecipherable lyrics beyond the
obvious profanity. Singer Nic Offer booty
danced his way from one side of the stage to
the other, taking great interest in getting in the
faces of those in the front row. Spit sticking
to the ceiling and sweat beads dripping,
Offer’s energy kept the crowd in a tizzy, often
encouraging them to give as much as they
were getting. The rest of the band focused on
their instruments, barely amused, except for
one of the drummers who piped up between
songs to say the last time they played the
W.O.W. Hall they played for about ten people.
Towards the end of the set, !!! delivered their
best song to date, “Me and Giuliani Down By
The School Yard (A True Story),” and a yet to
be released new song. It’s funny how seven
average looking guys from New York, with a
virtually unpronounceable band name, could
be the men responsible for keeping dancing
at shows alive. Rebecca McKillip.
Henry Rollins may be able to save the world, one
spoken word performance at a time. Rollins, former
Black Flag singer and modern day Renaissance
man came to the McDonald Theater November 21st
during a stop on his “25 Years of Bullshit” tour. At once
brilliant and hilarious, Rollins speaks what he knows,
forming his thoughts on the state of world, and his life,
into a string of enthralling tangents the audience was
eager to follow. Often using physical comedy and a
variety of expletives, Rollins lashed out against the
Wal-Mart-ization of the nation, President Bush, and
the war in Iraq. Sure, everyone’s sick of hearing about
the idiocy of the Bush Administration but Rollins has
the talent and eloquence make the audience actually
care and want to hear more. Going to see Henry
Rollins speak is not just a time to sit back and relax;
it’s a time to think. Rollins has the opportunity and
the tenacity to do things the average person can only
dream about, concluding his two-hour show by giving
an impassioned account of his experience visiting
American soldiers, both healthy and wounded, during
his latest USO tour. Serious subjects aside, Rollins
told the audience they were “hot”, to the delight of
everyone in attendance. He told a story about a taxi
driver that fell in love with him in Washington D.C.,
promised he would hop on one foot for hours to have
the opportunity to vote for a black lesbian president,
and how the only people that wear the XXXL shirts
from Wal-Mart are trailer trash troglodytes who
constantly engage in domestic disputes. Rollins’ show
at the McDonald Theater was a reminder that we’re all
in this mess together but at least we can laugh about it.
Rebecca McKillip.
David Lynch Live in Eugene.............Continued from p12
This was the most insulting event in a night full of
condescension. Supposedly an average college
student was to commence transcendental meditation
for the first time in his life in front of the entire crowd.
Wouldn’t you know it, he did and it went off without
a hitch. As he was asked he started immediately
meditating and producing a serious of unexplained
lines and marks on a computer which were truly
remarkable, as Dr. Hagelin pointed out. Lynch had just
been saying that meditation was a gradual process
but Joe College just walked up there and did it, in front
of all his peers. How convenient that he was able to
perform this task. This was not exactly believable and
as soon as Dr. Travis stepped down I left.
Leaving the ballroom I did not think they were
completely lying or that their research was not
entirely fact but the way they presented it had all
the finesse of a snake oil salesman. Lynch was
obviously used as a seat-filler and his mention
that his “only” ulterior motive was peace, was a
bit unsettling. The tour seemed more motivated
by building steam for their foundation and
research, than for educating students. They
never compromised the complex science speak
with the lay audience, resulting in what felt like
condescension and out and out deceit. The panel
must have thought David Lynch could do that job
for them but they were unfortunately mistaken.
Jordan Meister.
15
critical mass
16 Photos by Cory Eldridge
Japanese CGI Epics Are Here
For every Toy Story there is a Madagascar and for every Shrek there is a Shrek 2. Within the last few years
animated feature films here in the States have been stuck on superheros and family fare. Unlike the U.S. market,
the Japanese studios have released a number of big-budget, all-cgi flicks with human characters, action, adventure,
and all the trappings of adult entertainment. These three films feature breathtaking animation, epic storytelling and
something you aren’t likely to see round these parts. Look for them on DVD. By Scott Carver.
Final Fantasy: Advent Children
If you saw Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, you have an idea of what to
expect, but only an idea. Unlike Spirits, which was a standalone story, Advent
Children is actually a sequel . . . to a videogame. Perhaps the first such
movie in history to do so, Advent Children takes place 2 years after the events
of Final Fantasy 7, Squaresoft’s revolutionary Playstation game that became
an international hit. Probably the most epic and visually breathtaking of the
three films featured here, Advent Children follows Cloud and friends as they
try to prevent catastrophe again. The Final Fantasy series has featured some
of the most beautiful original music in the history of videogames - and Advent
Children continues in that tradition though a distorted guitar is now prominent.
Having played the game is helpful in understanding the storyline, but even
without prior knowledge, Advent Children will still rock your world. In the first
Final Fantasy: Advent Children
week of release, the movie sold over 420,000 copies in Japan which was
93% of all published copies at the time. Unfortunately you’ll have to wait until March, perhaps even June to get this in the U.S. Until then you can “buy” it online.
Midgar, the City of the Ancients, Seventh Heaven, the Church and other locales are faithfully re-created. This movie is incredibly action packed and well
choreographed. So intense that by the time the final battle comes around it hardly seems climactic - simply because the action has been turned up to 11 for the
whole flick. Nonetheless, amazing fight sequences. \ Rating: PG-13. \ Running Time: 101 minutes \ Respect for gravity, physics: Low \ Cool Moment: The scene
where Tifa fights Loz in the abandoned church is like a hit off the cinematic crackpipe.
Appleseed
Appleseed
Based on the popular Manga, Appleseed is a remake of a 1989 animated feature. Make
no mistakes, the new version of Appleseed blows the old version away with beautiful
cel-styled 3d animation. Set in the apocolyptic remains of World War III, the main
character Deunan kicks ass with the help of her ex- boyfriend turned cyborg, Briarios and
the E.S.W.A.T police force. With action sequences that would make the Matrix blush,
Appleseed has some definitive visuals. While the sound effects are top notch, some
of the music is pretty damn cheesy, but that can be expected when the Japanese start
making english pop music. \ Rating: R \ Running Time: 105 Minutes \ Respect for gravity,
physics: Moderate \ Cool Moment: Deunan freezes in mid backflip as the camera slyly
creeps by upside-down and then kicks back into full speed.
Steamboy
Directed by Katsuhiro Otomo, of Akira fame, Steamboy is set in 1890,
Industrial London. It is best categorized as “steampunk,” a distopian subgenre of sci-fi that focuses on Victorian-era technology, including steam
engines and clockwork devices. The story follows Ray, a boy in a family
of inventors as he tries to prevent the use of the “steamball” for militaristic
purposes. The cast is entirely CGI human, no silly sidekicks or creatures. Surprisingly, the english dub on Steamboy is really good, voiced by Anna
Paquin, Patrick Stewart and Alfred Molena. Of the three films reviewed,
Steamboy is by far the most friendly to newcomers - and it is the easiest
to find. \ Rating: PG:13 \ Running Time: 126 Minutes \ Respect for gravity,
physics: Fair \ Cool Moment: London gets attacked by tanks as investors
stand around and enjoy the havoc.
Steamboy
17
Book Review \ Slick \ A Novel By Daniel Price
Slick is a novel about a PR guy who is
really good at his job, masterminding
media diversions without being seen,
taking the heat off, getting his clients
out public eye and getting paid under
the table. Following a school shooting that
implicates an up-and-coming rapper
named Hunta into the mess, PR
cowboy Scott Singer is called in
to clean up. Hunta, hasn’t done
anything wrong other than become a
convenient target for media backlash
against the degenerative forces of
rap in general. It is sweeps week so
the networks are hungry, trolling for viewers by covering all of the sordid
details in the breaking story. This is where Singer, the PR flack, comes into
play. Initially Singer seems to have a handle on his web of distractions but
the situation spins out of his control.
First-time-novelist Daniel Price weaves a humorous and fact-paced tale,
casually mixing a history of actual PR shams into his fictional storyline,
creating a fascinating and duplicitous perspective of the PR profession in
general. Price interweaves the role of journalists, advertisers and viewers
into the mix, making it an important, funny and subversive piece of fiction. Slick bounces between witty media critique and a pop-culture-fueled plot,
overall a highly entertaining experience. Scott Carver.
Book Review \ Identity Crisis \ Written By
Brad Meltzer \ Illustrated by Rags Morales.
It takes a lot of work to understand
what is going on in the DC universe
but Identity Crisis brings it together
flawlessly. Identity Crisis is a 7-book
mystery written by NYT best seller
Brad Meltzer and beautifully drawn
by Rags Morales. Admirably, Identity Crisis begins
and ends by focusing on minor
characters, mainly the Elongated
Man. His involvement becomes
more important, eventually
introducing some DC classics like
Superman and Batman. Meltzer
is an exciting mystery writer, which
makes this collection all the more satisfy in one volume, rather than 7
over that many months. The storyline also has tie-ins to other DC titles
like The O-Mac Project (also out as a multi-comic trade paperback) and
Infinite Crisis, which is still being released monthly. With Identity Crisis Meltzer does an impressive job of threatening these
heros with one thing they cannot protect - their families. The threat
brings out memories of a dark past. Morales’ drawings do a great job
of showing emotion in both humans and heros. The art brings Identity
Crisis out of the world of near-invincible heroes and villains and indulges
humanity. Recommended if you’re looking for a well-written and graphic
novel of DC proportions. Scott Carver. 18 18
Book Review \ The Quitter \
By Harvey Pekar and Dean Haspiel
Harvey Pekar is a loser’s winner. He’s the
guy whose life was the basis for American
Splendor, a government file clerk who found
his calling writing auto-biographical comic
books. The Quitter, Pekar’s new manifesto,
takes the reader through his childhood and
early adulthood before skipping to the recent
past.
I admit I hadn’t read anything else by Pekar,
but I enjoyed The Quitter. It is a beautifully
illustrated and well-told story. Pekar’s
childhood as the son of working-class
Jewish immigrants in a black neighborhood
in Cleveland is both painful and hilarious to
witness. He grows up as a hyper-sensitive
tough guy, beating people up to gain the respect of his peers while treating the
most minor setbacks like crushing defeats. We watch Harvey quit everything
from sports teams and jobs to college because he can’t accept even the most
trivial failure from himself –hence the title. The book seems almost cathartic for
him, like a laundry list of fess-ups he needed to make to deal with his past. Some scenes, like when Pekar’s father pulls out a knife during an argument - or
when Pekar gets rejected from the Navy for being unable to wash his uniform in
a sink are plain old terrible. But the book is never cloying or apologetic. Pekar
explains his character but makes no excuses. Dean Haspiel’s soft-edged,
slightly cartoonish illustrations are a good match for Pekar’s storytelling. His
understated and flattering accompaniment takes some of the edge off of Pekar’s
misadventures but leave all the pathos intact. The Quitter is a fast read but it makes an impression. The last few panels show
a present-day Pekar worrying about critical responses to his book and finding an
audience. He should rest easy. Jon Itkin.
Book Review \ Never Eat Alone and other Secrets to
Success \ Written By Keith Ferrazi & Tahl Raz
This book is exactly what it sounds
like. Author Keith Ferrazi explains some
networking skills that took him from small
town guy to climb the corporate ladder, now
a CEO of a marketing and sales consulting
company. Though many of his examples
feature business-world characters, his
concepts can be carried to other professions. Before I started reading I scoffed at the
necessity of an entire book on networking
- only to realize how much of it applied to
a career in journalism, or just about any
profession for that matter.
Ferrazi’s suggests writing down your goals
and detailing the people that can help you
get there. The author encourages building mutually beneficial relationships with
people you meet along the way, and how to introduce yourself to your business
peers. Ferrazi suggestions are mostly common sense, though it is helpful to
be reminded of the steps and organization it takes to reach professional goals. Never Eat Alone is an interesting read, though it has about twice as many pages
as it needs to. Still a helpful book if you have big plans for your life or career. Check it out when it goes paperback. Scott Carver.
19
Photography by Damon Pryor & Gabe Scheer
Anthony B
at the WOW Hall
20
Album: Ham \ Artist: The Chap \ Label: Lo.
Indie-rock over the years has become increasingly
insular and has, for a while now, been relatively
stagnant creatively compared to the early to mid 90s
hey day of the genre. Indie-rock has been mostly
recombinant crap from guitar-based music from 1976 to
1984, save for a few gems here and there. Fortunately
The Chap’s Ham is one of those gems. The Chap
comes through with equal doses of straight-faced
sardonic humor and pop songs seemingly made by Foley artists. Elements of
electro-rock and post-punk are most obvious but so many other styles seep into
the mix that it is hard to call Ham anything but The Chap’s own unique creation.
Rating: Angular out of over-used adjectives. Jordan Meister
Album: Love Songs of the Hanging Gardens \ Artist:
Kelley Polar \ Label: Environ
Meshing early 80’s new-romanticism with Giorgio
Moroder’s more string-laden productions, Love Songs
of the Hanging Gardens is 45 minutes of melancholic
dance bliss. Kelley Polar and producer/Metro Area mate
Morgan Geist create an expansive and dark discotheque
and fill it with Polar’s sincere ruminations on loneliness
and lost love. Strings, hand claps, whirring synthesizers
and even a cow bell all join in without compromising the
emptiness conjured by the lyrics. While Polar seems genuinely affected, it must
be said that he is still in the club, albeit at the edge of the dance floor. He captures
the quixotic nature of dance beautifully as he shimmies out singing, “Run fast or
run slow, I ain’t never gonna let you go/You can’t escape the echo of my love”.
Rating: “The Quiet Life” out of “The Lexicon of Love” Jordan Meister
Album: Maritime \ Artist: Minotaur Shock \ Label: 4AD
Once equipped with the knowledge that Maritime
is a wordless electronic album about pirates, oddly
enough it sounds about right. Minotaur Shock, a.k.a.
David Edwards, takes this theme and turns it on its
head: Imagine “18th century pirates washed up on
South Beach, Miami in 1982.” Each song drifts into
another, taking their time to build and crash. Several
blips and bleeps and nonsensical vocal elements
combine, making it difficult to keep track of each layer but the payoff is definitely
worth the listening challenge, especially on the hypnotic track, “Somebody Told
Me It Existed But They Never Found It.” In his spare time, Edwards remixes
artists such as Bloc Party, Badly Drawn Boy, and Super Furry Animals. Rating:
Quitting smoking out of New Year’s resolutions. Rebecca McKillip
Album: 2012 \ Artist: Old Time Relijun \ Label: K
The primal throbbing of upright bassist Aaron Hartman
and Drummer Jamie Peterson is downright infectious,
especially along the with the guttural throat noises
emanating from lyricist Arrington de Dionyso. Old Time
Relijun, a band from Olympia brought their lively act to Eugene twice not too long ago touring with their latest
release, 2012. Songs like “Chemical Factory” “Los
Angeles” and “Reptilians” are a great introduction to
the album and the band in general, weirdly disjointed and primitive but extremely
catchy. Rating: Baboon fighting out of credit card agencies. Scott Carver.
Album: Come and Get It \
Artist: Rachel Stevens \ Label: Polydor
Rachel Stevens still has the same vapid
personality and indistinctive voice she had
when she was a member of teen-pop group
S Club 7 but on her new album Come and
Get It those characteristics are worked to her
advantage. Expert production from the likes
of Richard X (M.I.A., Annie) utilize Steven’s
synthetic voice as just another cog in the
machine as it skims over glossy production filled with 80s synths and
disco coos. Come and Get It is another from a recently growing group
of solid electro-pop albums fronted by female singers such as Annie,
Robyn and of course Kylie - add Rachel’s name to the list too. But in
order to find it you will have to take the command from the title. Sadly,
it is only available on import. Rating: RJD2 out of DJ Shadow hacks
Jordan Meister
Album: The Man Who Ate The Man \ Artist:
Magnetophone \ Label: 4AD
On Magnetophone’s second album, The Man
Who Ate The Man, Matt Huish Saunders
and John Hanson successfully partner fuzzy
drone-rock with computer clicks and dreamy
soundscapes. There’s even a sing-along
about Jesus! To put it simply, Magnetophone
is what The Stone Roses would have
sounded like if they stayed together. On
the strongest and highly danceable track, “Kel’s Vintage Thought,”
Magnetophone is graced with instrumental flair from indie royalty, Kim
and Kelley Deal. The Man Who Ate The Man trades between calm
before the storm and then back to calm again, unfortunately interrupted
mid-album by two skip-worthy experimental tracks of hollow popping
sounds on “Rae and Suzette,” and “Kodiak.” Magnetophone’s marriage
of brit pop and electronic layering is worth a listen. Rating: Banana
Slug out of School Mascots. Rebecca McKillip
Album: Rehearsing My Choir \ Artist: The Fiery
Furnaces \ Label: Rough Trade Records
Brother/sister duo, The Fiery Furnaces,
have taken their unique brand of songwriting
one step further with their latest release,
Rehearsing My Choir. Eleanor Friedberger’s
trademark schizophrenic, rambling lyrics and
Matt’s swirling piano melodies and twitching,
ominous synth beats sprinkle their sevenminute epics. This time they’ve taken their
grandmother, Olga Sarantos, along for the ride. Sarantos, along with
Eleanor, indulge in stream-of-consciousness storytelling, unleashing a
family story only they can understand. Part of the charm of The Fiery
Furnaces’ previous releases is that the listener never knows what
direction their songs may take, even after several listens. The same is
true for Rehearsing My Choir but Grandma Olga’s vocals, intertwined
with Eleanor’s are problematic. Sarantos’ heavy presence on the album
is disturbing; her quivering voice is masculine and abrasive over Matt’s
instrumentation. The Fiery Furnaces are known and loved for ignoring
the confines of pop songwriting but listening to Rehearsing My Choir is
like overhearing a family secret you’d rather not be in on. Rating: The
Addams out of dysfunctional families. Rebecca McKillip
21
Judge a Man by His Shoes
This is a condensation of the results of the American Society of Shoes (ASS) annual psychiatric exam.
Different shoes were asked to talk about themselves, look at finger paintings and spend an undisclosed
amount of time in an isolation booth. Data was collected and psychological profiles were created for different
types of shoes and the people who wear them. By Jon Itkin. Illustrations by Evan Meister.
Section I: Sneakers
Type: Clean, white new sneakers
with minimal markings.
Gender: Male. You either (a) belong to a fraternity,
(b) use AXE body spray or (c) both. You have
trouble forming lasting relationships because
you spend so much time in the gym. You use
hair products other than shampoo and own very
few articles of clothing without a visible brand
name. You’re a compulsive
liar, especially when
telling bleach-blonde
females that
you’re “so
drunk.”
Type: Converse Chuck Taylor.
Gender: Either. Your life philosophy is a
confused muddle of misused
vocabulary words and
whatever you just read
in Spin. You listen
to indie
music. You
play
indie
music. Badly. You wear scarves indoors. You just
decided you don’t like your favorite band anymore
because there were too many high school kids at
their show. Section II non-sneakers
Type: Shiny, silver and white
running shoes with springy shock
absorber-like heels.
Gender: Female
You either (a) are from West Linn (b) major in
“business” (c) self tan or (d) any combination of a,
b and c. You spend several hundred dollars per
month on footwear, almost as much as your cell
phone bill. But it’s your mom’s credit card, so you
really don’t care. You’re totally psyched about
the barn dance next weekend. You have lots of
friends but you actually hate
all of them except
the ones that
aren’t as pretty
as you. You
drive a Jetta.
Type: Cowboy boots.
Gender: Male.
You either (a) live in a rural area and actually ride
horses (b) genuinely think your rock band is going
to “make it” (c) have the poster of
Johnny Cash giving somebody
the finger on your bedroom wall
(d) have a poster of Toby Keith
on your bedroom wall (e) are a
NASCAR fan (f) use smokeless
tobacco or (g) any combination of
a, d, e, and f. Type: Cowboy
boots.
Gender: Female
Dang, you’re hot. Type: “Skater” Shoes.
Type: Dress Shoes With Buckles.
Gender: Either.
Get off the couch, slacker. Do your fucking
laundry already.
Gender: Male
You either (a) do re-enactments of the signing of
the Declaration of Independence (b) still
let your mom do your shopping for you
or (c) watch the Style Network. But
it’s OK. 22
Type: Dress Shoes With Large
and/or Pointy Heels.
Gender: Female.
You are a hellacious, raging bitch. There
is a direct proportionality between the
height and sharpness of your heels
and your bitchiness. You
think you’re hot.
Type:
Leather and
Cork Sandals.
Gender: Either.
You smoke
copious
amounts
of dope and
shave less often than you shower, which is pretty
infrequent. You have several mp3 players’ worth
of reggae music in the glove box of your new Volvo
station wagon. You like to talk about elevating
consciousness and universal love. You have never
done a hard day’s work in your life.
Type: Rubber and Nylon Sandals
with Socks.
Gender: Either.
You used to smoke copious amounts of dope. Now
you get your jollies by kayaking class V rapids or
back-country skiing. You spend every dollar you
have on machined pieces of metal
and plastic that help
you get places
you probably
should never
be anyway.
Type: None.
Gender: Either.
You’re fucking nuts! It’s freezing
out and there’s broken glass
everywhere. You deserve the
fungus you get.
23
Classic OV comics by Vernon C. Wallinford, Esq.
mailman.
by scott carver.