Sneaky Viking Final.indd - East Lyme Public Schools

Saga
T H E
Stef, remember
to insert that
stupid viking
helmet here
S N E A K Y V I K I N G
Volume XLI
Edition 15
April 1, 2008
C S P A
The Student Newspaper of East Lyme High School (woot woot)
G o l d
M e d a l i s t
East Lyme, Connecticut
Royal Flush for Freshmen
Poker tournament held by
freshman class
as fundraiser
by Hannah Barner
The moment of truth
has come. Who will claim
the title? Answered with
a roar from the crowd,
underdog junior Kate
Citron won the tournament
with an unexpected royal
flush.
With excitement from
all participants, the twoday poker tournament
sponsored by the freshman
class in late March was a
huge success. Though
unpublicized, the event
took place in the INTV
room and was broadcast
on Channel 19 on
New AP Final
I Exam:
N 150 linesMemorize
of Beowulf
Page 3
T Mr. Bagos as New
H School Principal
I
Page 4
S Converse All-Stars
for All
E Required
P.E. Classes
D
Page 7
I Your Mom
T
Page 9
I Playboy Playmates
O Movie Review
N
Page 11
Saturday, March 15th and
Sunday, March 16th. The
winner walked away with
a gift certificate to East
Lyme Pizza and bragging
rights.
“It was really a
collaborative idea to
hold the tournament,”
states freshman class
president Chris Kohanski.
“Having it telecast was
just a way we thought
the community could
get involved.”
With the unusual support
of the administration,
the freshman class went
ahead with plans and
raised over $400 along
with three watches and
an engraved pen of an
esteemed faculty player.
J. Beale/Saga
An old wooden table in A225 provides the best playing surface for a competitive showdown
between freshmen Sara Boike, Raj Thanabel, Mike Brousseau and Tyler Imbriaco. This poker
craze has swept through the freshmen class, as crowds of them can be seen sneaking off into
the darkest corners of the school (i.e. the stairwells at lunch) to fulfill their craving for the
dirty game of poker. It just so happens their algebra and geometry classes aid them greatly in
art of gambling away their lunch money and weekly allowance all in support of their class.
Violence, Intrigue and a Mighty Fine Physique
The dark secret behind the
Class of 2008’s wealth
by Brendan Welch
Dirty, sexy money.
It
controls
politics,
sports,
entertainment,
underground cockfighting
gangs and your high
school. Or at least, the
senior class.
It is no secret that
the great Class of ’08
has bundles of cash at
its disposal which is
undoubtedly being used
for such devious plans as
Hannah Montana concert
extravaganzas and a
mysterious exotic tribal
tradition known as “the
prom.” What is a secret,
however, is how the snide
seniors achieved this
economic prosperity.
Disclaimer: The Saga
is not responsible for any
hangnails, heart attacks or
spontaneous combustion
that may result from the
shock that you are surely
about to face from the
telling of this tale.
Richard Connell, the
four-time treasurer for
the clas of 2008 and cult
hero in the Democratic
Republic of Congo,
was able to use his
connections to Richard
Nixon (same first name.
this is powerful stuff,
people), Bill Bellichick,
and Marvin the Martian
to gain access to Roger
Clemens’ personal stash
of anabolic steroids
and HGH several years
ago. Juicing is a rich
business, and Connell
was able to sell the goods
for huge profits, which
were directly transferred
into
the
Class
of
2008’s coffers.
(See Scandal page 43)
The Viking Saga
The Best Section Ever!
April 1, 2108
O u r Tw o C e n t s a r e F a b :
A Day in the
Life of the
Editors-in-Chief
I am sick of all of this rightwing conservative crap! Those
crazy, religious-right from the
south and the homosexual-hating
hillbillies out west—they just
don’t know what they are talking
about. I would like to annouce
that I am now a proud and official
member of the blue team.
One great thing about being
a donkey is supporting the
presidential HOPEful Barack
Obama. His good looks and
stunning features far outweigh
any lack of experience or
plagiarism problems he may have.
As a youth voter, I am
particularly interested in
having a president who has
made mistakes in the past,
who has “led the force”
in his committee without
going to any meetings
and has openly admitted
to experimenting with
hard drugs.
Liberalism
has
also
revolutionized the way I think
about the economy. I am in full
support of giving taxpayers’
dollars to those who do not pay
taxes, and may be unemployed in
hey val, what do
you want to put
in the saga?
i don’t know...
let’s go on
facebook!
order to “stimulate” the economy.
You wouldn’t want to give money
back to those who actually paid
the brunt of the money in the first
place—because who knows, they
might do something silly, like
save it!
As for the war, I am in full
support of bringing the troops
home immediately, causing the
entire country of Iraq to collapse
and fall under the rule of radical
militant groups. Then we can
pump millions of more troops
In lieu of all of the silly
back into a volatile environment
grievances students (especially
months later. The plan is solid!
To top it all off, I have seniors) make about ELHS, I
become quite in touch with my think it is about time that we
true humanitarian. I have found pay tribute to the school that
humility in political prisoners. has provided for us, sheltered
In fact, I believe that criminals us and expanded our minds for
are people too and should be six wholesome hours a day.
forgiven (without a religious For my share of the honoring,
connotation, you would not want I have compiled the Five
to be offensive) for their actions. Things I Love About
Therefore, not only am I against
East Lyme High School:
torture and capital punishment,
1) Our cafeteria – There
but punishment of any kind. Even
is no better way to work up an
a short jail sentence seems a bit
appetite than to scrounge a chair
too harsh.
from an unsuspecting freshman.
To complete my newfound
After much physical labor, you
respect for the Democratic Party,
can go fill up on a variety of
I am in full support of a larger
grease-dripping appetizers such
government, increased federal
as French fries and mozzarella
spending, a national debt that
sticks…then wash it down with
digs us into a hole that skims the
a nice, big slushy. And the best
core of the earth and accepting
part about it is, you get to go
campaign funds from any
to class with a blue/red/orange
and all international criminals
tongue so that everyone will
or fugitives.
know what you got for lunch!
As a staunch liberal, I cannot
2) The bathrooms – Now
wait to go out, find a group of
equipped with foamy soap,
hippies and join in protest against
the A-wing bathrooms do
anything where I get to scream
nothing less than pamper us
and shout while holding a peace
during our restroom breaks. I
sign high in the air.
ALWAYS go in to get the best
God (or any other mono/
motivation to hit the gym after
polytheistic idol) bless America!
Page ;-)
OKAY!
school. No matter how good I
think I look, the odd lighting
and unflattering atmosphere
brings me back to reality.
3) The paper-mâché man
sitting in a chair – That guy never
fails to fool me as I round the
corner of the office and ponder,
“Who is that kid sitting in the
chair all by himself? Maybe I
should go talk to him…” Brings
a smile to my face every time.
4) A225 – (a.k.a. Saga
Central) is strategically located at
the furthest point from the senior
parking lot possible, because it is
just not enough for Stef’s and my
car to be the last ones on site as we
stumble out of the school dizzy
from staring at InDesign pages.
5)The library – They have
taken brilliant strides toward
becoming ecology-friendly by
sneakily changing the settings
on the printer so that the paper
prints double-sided. So what if it
is my Warykas term paper or my
senior proposal (both worth half
my fourth quarter grade). My
grade may drop, but I feel good
knowing that I helped save a tree.
I could honestly go on
forever about all the things I love
about the wonderful home of the
Vikings. If by any chance the
reasons for ELHS’s excellence
slip through your mind, just
refer to my aforementioned
Five Things I Love About East
Lyme High School, which will
be published in the yearbook as
well. Or, take a glance up at the
banner hanging in the Commons.
It may be hard to read because
the font is a little small, but it
says: “SILVER MEDALIST.”
That pretty much sums it up,
we are the crème de la crème.
The Viking Saga
The Best Section Ever!
See any familiar faces?
April 1, 2108
Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down!
The soda machines will be
returning to ELHS!
To help defray the cost of the new floor
in the gym, ELHS administrators have
decided to reinstate the sale of soda in
the commons.
The
Just
in time for spring, the
administration has decided to ban the
most popular footwear in the school,
wary of safety after a dangerous flipflop accident last year. No fair!
Photo Submitted
The Saga will award free movie tickets to anyone who can identify Ms. Maddock at her
senior prom back in the day. Turn your answers in to the Math department office!
Watch Out! Our eyes are everywhere!
new school policy
prohibiting flip flops!
Need a Babysitter?
He can HANDLE it!
Mr. Handler will be offering free child
services for the day.
Please drop off any spare or unruly
children at his office.
Look foward to an upcoming
edition of Snagged!
Page 3
Alex Adam’s Apple
Hannah Barnyard
Kitten Brown
Andrea Crunk
Ryann Folk Song
Matthew Heathbar
Ellie Clean hands
Amy Lipton
Emily Fig Newton
Ramona Ostrich
B. Welch’s Grape Juice
S t a f f
S a g a
Send your letters, questions
and comments to
The Viking Saga at:
elhsvikingsaga@gmail.com
T h e
Have an opinion?
Fe a t u r e d Wr i t e r s
Something to puzzle over...
Photo Submitted/Redding
Dave Cannamela &
Cameron Gerbers
Editors-in-Chief
John Morton
News Editor
Carmel Lynn
Features Editor
Ryan Foster
Entertainment Editor
Elizabeth Sullivan
Sports Editor
Jon Elia
Featured Illustrator
James Warykas
Advisor
Chris Worgul
Saga Groupie
John Kleinhans Times
Conservative News
July 4th,2008
Murder Me in the First
ELHS’s promising young students help out with the biggest murder investigation of the year
by Ryann Foulke
Last Friday, the Hartford Police called has struck an actual victim with a very
in the help of East Lyme High School’s own simmilar modus operandi (or the method of
operation). All
Karim Dibtoo quickly,
Hajj,
John
the students’
Kleinhans,
fantacy case
D e r e k
b e c a m e
Johnson,
a reality.
M a r y
Casey
Cunningham,
Neffl
en
was
Chris Seery
the
prosecutor
and Alyssa
in the Bigilini
Northcut to
court case held
help in the
against
the
trial of James
w
e
l
l
k
n
o
w
n
Finoli’s
J. Kleinhans/Saga
crime
family.
murder.
Prosecuting attorney Christopher Seery practices for the real
When he lost
Finoli’s
trial
on
senior
Vera
Soloman.
the case to
murder bares
Alex
Day
due
to
sloppiness,
he
went to a bar,
an uncanny resemblance to the in the mock
had
a
few
drinks
and
returned
home
to find out
trial case in the murder of Alex Day committed
that
Day
had
allegedly
molested
his
daughter
by Casey Nefflen. Although the Nefflen case
weeks
prior.
After
this
traumatic
experience
is still court, the similarity was too much
he is said to have left his house and murdered
to overlook.
While Ms. Rose Ann Hardy’s Contemporary Day with a butcher knife. Nefflen is pleading
Issues students have been working to prepare temporary insanity, while the prosecution is
a “fictional case” to bring before a pannel of saying that he was in his right mind at the
judges to show off their understanding of the time of the crime.
In the recent East Lyme murder case,
legal system, a violent copy-cat, as it appears
(Continued from front page)
“It was Mr. Sandford’s idea, I swear!”
Connell insists. “We were able to supply
them to the entire New England Patriots
football team in exchange for millions.”
Forget the espionage, it seems that we
have finally found the true reason such an
incompetent and bogus franchise could win
three Super Bowls.
An anonymous source named Jim
Barnes, reportedly close to the Class of
2008, revealed the entire operation to the
noble reporters of the Saga. It seems that
almost the entire administration was in on
the crimes.
“Why do you think Mr. Roberts closed
down the bathrooms?” asks Barnes. “He
knew you were on to him. That was where
they did all the dirty work, and as such a
heinous criminal, he wanted to cover
his tracks.”
“It was all Mr. Roberts’ idea, I swear!”
insists Mr. Sandford. “He made us sell them
to the football team in 2004. How else could
they manage win a state championship?”
The FBI, IRS, and DMV are currently
investigating these allegations.
Political giants have not held back from
commenting on the situation.
“I for one am just glad that the Viking
Finoli, another corrupt defense attorney, who
formerly represented the Donnelly crime
syndicate. He too was viciously murdered
with a butcher knife, of the same make as
the one used by Nefflen. These alarming
coincidences have brought police to the
conclusion that there is more to these two
crimes than meets the eye.
At a press conference held on Wednesday,
the Chief of Police said, “This murder has led
our detectives to believe that there is a very
meticulous, vigilante copycat.”
The juniors and seniors of the Contemporary
Issues class have so much knowledge of the
case the police felt that it would be unwise
not to use them and their experience with
the subject. The students have, so far, been
able to help the investigators with the murder
weapon and the motive behind this imitator
attack. With the crime scenes almost identical,
the detectives are starting to feel that it was
an inside job. They believe that only one of
the students or the teacher who made up the
crime would have that much knowledge on
the subject.
No arrests have been made in regard to the
murder, but there are a few civilians under
police surveillance.
Saga is gracious enough to leave out that
part about my little escapade with the
lobbyist in the stall at the steroid operation
headquarters,” said Arizona senator
John McCain.
The earth-shattering case is expected
to reach a resolution within the next six
hundred years.
J. Kleinhans/Saga
The Saga was able to snag a secret interaction between Connell and Sandford
Page 4, 678
John Kleinhans Times
Rap City
Shell-Shocked!
The astonishing truth about the North Gym renovations
The Best Day Ever
Pregnancy Scare!!
by Emily Newton
by Matt Heath
“Legally
It always was
Jessica
is
unable
the motto of the
to
be
moved
from
tortoise that slow
whereever
she
and steady would
has
chosen
her
win the race
nesting
ground
to
but in the case
be,”
says
Black.
of East Lyme
Because Jessica
High School’s
is
endangered,
North
Gym
federal
wildlife
renovations,
laws
have
kept
everyone would
her
from
being
love a quick fix.
moved, and are
Due to recent
J. Kleinhans/Saga
holding up the
events slow and
North
Gym’s
steady is the only
The new addition to the North Gym
renovation
work.
way to go.
“We’re trying to keep the existence of Jessica
On March 20th, the famous Ranger Roger’s
on
the down low,” says Principal Lawrence
Traveling Reptiles paid a visit to Flanders’
Roberts.
“I feel that if the students are aware of
Elementary School for an assembly.
her,
classes
will be continuously disrupted.”
“When we do shows for younger audiences
“I’ve
been
wondering why they have been
we usually keep the big animals in the truck,”
covering
the
windows in the gym,” says
says reptile trainer Willam Black.
freshman
Shane
Davies.
One of these big animals happens to be
School
has
remained in progress during
Jessica, an endangered 1600 lb. tortoise.
this
incident
because
Jessica is both safe and
During the school’s assembly, Jessica somehow
approachable.
PE
teacher
Jeff Handler has
wandered out of her cage and off the truck. She
been
placed
in
charge
of
visitation rights
eventually walked straight through the open
for
Jessica.
door of the high school’s North Gym. That
“Anyone who wants to see this mama has to
afternoon Jessica startled some of the workers
go
through
me,” warns Handler.
when they came in and saw her sitting beneath
There
is a price to be paid for all of the
the floors frame.
excitement
of this temporary addition to the
“We were going to try to move her, but
ELHS
family.
The average tortoise egg takes
she seemed very defensive,” says head of
about
two
years
to hatch. Since Jessica won’t
construction Ralph Webber.
be
gone
for
a
long,
long time, our North Gym’s
This is due to the fact that she chose the
construction
will
be
held up yet again.
North Gym as a place to lay three eggs.
Upcoming Parties in East Lyme
April 2: East Lyme High School will be holding a press conference to announce
Rose Ann Hardy’s run for the 2nd district Congressional seat, as a Republican.
May 5: In honor of Stef Felitto’s birthday, Barack Obama will be coming to visit
East Lyme High School.
May 7: Any and all AP tests scheduled for this date have been cancelled. You deserve the time off!
May 10: The juniors will be having their prom in the Commons! Feel free to come
and watch as they waltz into the entryway decked out in their finest duds.
June 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6: Official senior skip days! See you at the beach!
June 26: The seniors are finally graduating! Due to the massive amount of snow
days, holidays and anticipated senior skip days, the date was pushed back!
Page 55
Here: One of the most infamous clubs at
East Lyme High School, the Chess Team,
commonly known as the “Rookmasters,”
are trying to recruit new members for their
2008-2009 season. The club has done
considerably well over the course of the
last ten years, with a championship team
just about every year. They are determined
to keep that record going after last year’s
decade win. There is a problem though: the
new regulations set forth in the Supreme
Court Case Simon v. Chase require a specific
dance to be accompanied with each move.
This provides difficultly for the current team
since everyone has two left feet. As a result,
they are recruiting dancers of all styles and
flavors, with a preference towards hip-hop
and Latin dancing. Open auditions will be
in Ms. Johansen’s room during Block D or
by request.
There: Due to all of the controversy over
elections, ELHS has made the decision
to stop having a student senate. “It’s just
too much work and a lot of the kids don’t
want to be there,” says junior senate advisor
Michelle Dean. Now, there will be a group
of teacher advisors, consisting of gym
teachers Rudy Bagos and Jeff Handler,
Consumer Education teacher Linda Foote,
and English teacher Scott Mahon who
will make all of the decisions for all of the
classes. This will make a less controversial
and give the teachers and students alike
what they really want.
Everywhere: In Australia, kangaroos have
recently checked out of their marsupial habitat
on land in favor of a more aquatic lifestyle.
Over the course of history, kangas have been
notorious for living on land with roos in their
pouch. Now, due to global warming, the
kangaroos are too warm and must go in the
water to cool down, which is now easy for
them because melted ice caps have extended
the shore all the way to the outback. As with
any change of this magnitude, problems have
erupted with the food chain. Now fish think
that kangaroos are dinosaurs. This brings
them back to their earlier stages, and as a
result, many fish have gone into hiding. The
entire world may soon end because of these
selfish fish.
The Siking Vaga
Features
April Fools!
Two Amazing Men, One Amazing Race
Dr. Carleton and Mr. Roberts take the trip of a lifetime
by Kit Brown
are bound to keep
East Lyme High School
my toes nice and
was shocked this year
toasty
in
that
with the news that two
frigid
Antarctic
of its long-time favorite
weather!”
staff members, science
“With those
teacher Peter Carleton
fuzzy
friends,
and principal Lawrence
they’re bound to
Roberts, were retiring.
win,” said history
“I cried for hours,”
teacher
Matt
admitted junior Rachel
LaConti with a
Hutchins. “Doc. C is
smirk.
such an inspiration. I’ve
Junior KC Veitch
always wanted to create an
seemed to agree,
indestructible plastic, just
“I’ll definitely be
like him!”
rooting for them;
Though rumors have
they have a great
been circulating pertaining
K. Brown / Saga
chance of winning!
to their post-retirement
Mr. Roberts and Dr. Carleton are pumped up for their grand adventure
To be honest, I’m
plans–it was believed that
not surprised they’re
Dr. Carleton would retreat to
Model.” After a long and grueling
a friend’s farm and rumored that Mr. investigation that took Saga reporters going to be on TV. I always thought
Roberts would take it easy for a while– to some of the shadiest parts of East Doc. C would be great on reality TV!”
Whether $1,000,000 ends up in Dr.
breaking news has been released to the Lyme, it was discovered that the two
press that challenged these alibis. Dr. will be competing on the next season Carleton’s and Mr. Roberts’ pockets
of “The Amazing Race,” which takes or not, the journey will definitely be
one to remember. Who knows where
place in Antarctica.
“We’ve been training for months,” it will take them. We’ll just have to
Roberts said. “I’m actually surprised no watch and find out. “The Amazing
one found out earlier! Mr. Biggs helped Race: Antarctica” premieres April 1 on
us train, Mr. Place gave us lessons on Lifetime–Television for Women.
how to use a GPS, and
Mr. Hine enlightened us
with his vast knowledge
of Antarctic terrain.”
With brains and
brawn aplenty, the final
-Principal Lawrence Roberts
step was to contact CBS
and formally accept the
challenge. “I just looked
Carleton and Mr. Roberts will soon at Peter and said, ‘You
embark on an adventure even more know what? We should
challenging than teaching chemistry quit our jobs and go to
or heading the administration at one of Antarctica!’ Then we told
the United States’ top 500 schools.
CBS ‘Yes!’ and that was
“It started out as a dare, it really that,” said Mr. Roberts.
did,” Mr. Roberts confessed. “Ms.
“I’m not usually one for
Rand suggested we apply as a joke, rash decisions,” admits
and before you knew it, one thing just Dr. Carleton. “But there
led to another!”
was no stopping me once
“We never thought we’d have I bought a new pair of
what they’re looking for,” said Dr. Uggs just for the trip,” he
$1 for one, $2 for three.
Carleton. No, the two are not upcoming said, modeling his new,
Available in four colors.
contestants on “America’s Next Top furry footwear. “These
Page 6
“It started out as a dare.
Ms. Rand suggested we
apply as a joke, and before
you knew it, one thing
just led to another!”
Now For Sale in the
Commons:
Condoms available at
the Viking Vault!
The Siking Vaga
Features
Behind the Crocs
The true story of James Buchan’s Crocs and part-time teaching job
by Amy Li
working to his advantage, as many students
and faculty at ELHS are beginning to wear
Crocs.
History teacher Chris Sandford explains
that when he had his ingrown toenail
“Buchan wears a new
pair of Crocs everyday!
There has to be a reason
why the man owns so
many rubber gardening
shoes.”
If you have seen a man with vibrant Crocs
wheeling a grocery cart of books down the
halls of East Lyme High School, you may
have found him a bit peculiar. Yet, beneath
the vivid apparel lies the story of
English teacher James Buchan,
an interesting individual with
a fascinating story. Although
his colorful shoes may seem
like your typical everyday
footwear, there is more
than what meets the eye.
“Buchan wears a
new pair of Crocs
everyday!
There
has to be a reason
why the man owns
so many rubber
gardening shoes,”
exclaims
junior
Rachel Lyon.
In reality, Mr.
Buchan has been
teaching
part-time
at ELHS for three
years because it is
difficult to teach full
-time and work for
one of television’s
most widely viewed,
Croc-sponsored shows.
Before he began teaching
at East Lyme, Mr. Buchan
worked on set for ESPN’s Sports-= Center,
where he still continues to work, around his
ELHS schedule.
“It took him over a month to grade our
his co-workers about the
rubber product. Even after
taking on his second job
at ELHS, Mr. Buchan still
finds it necessary to support
the company.
“More funds are donated
to Sports Center for every
pair of Crocs purchased, and
I know
that wearing them in a public
environment is definitely going to influence
somebody,” explains Mr. Buchan.
Apparently, these advertising tactics are
removed, he wore a pair of black Crocs
because they were a “healthy
necessity,” but in reality, his
claim was merely a cover up
for his Croc enthusiasm.
As a result of Mr. Buchan’s
hard work and devotion
as a Croc model, the Croc
Company is designing the
“Jimmy B Croc” in his honor.
The newly designed shoe will be printed with
Mr. Buchan’s favorite design: Hawaiian palm
trees and tropical flowers. The Jimmy B Croc
will be available in stores in late April for
only $59.99.
In the near future, Mr. Buchan hopes to
continue his Croc modeling and maintain
both jobs. He says that by staying committed
to his current status, he will have something
to reflect upon in his old age, while he sits on
his front porch with his bright and colorful
gardening shoes, which he will finally be able
to use properly.
(Poker continued from Front Page)
“With all the negativity in the media about
East Lyme in recent years, we thought we
would show a different side of the educational,
mature environment that surrounds ELHS,”
explains ELHS principal Lawrence Roberts.
Roberts and the administration support the
fundraiser wholeheartedly.
The turnout for the event was incredible
with about 65 members of the high school
participating, including staff, students and
even administrators. Security director James
Barnes and assistant principal Jeffrey Provost
were among the participating faculty.
Beginning early Saturday morning, there
were seven different games going at the same
time. The winners from each of those games
went to the championship round the following
morning. Though only five students and two
teachers were in the Sunday game, more than
half of the participants from the previous day
came to see who won the winning hand.
“Oh, come on, he pulled that card out
of his sleeve!” exclaimed senior Lily ColeChu, as her hand was beat by fellow senior
Mike Boucher.
Security issues came into play as
accusations between students began to fly out
of the mouths of sore losers. In addition to
the scuffle between Cole-Chu and Boucher,
there were a total of seven accusations, only
one of which was proven true as Barnes found
cards taped under a table.
Overall, the success of the poker
tournament will not likely be matched by
other fundraisers, as 75 students are already
waiting to sign up for the next one.
“I know I’ll definitely be the first on that
list,” states Citron about a possible future
tournament. Look out for the next tournament
to see who can take down the defending
junior champion.
K. We
iss / S
aga
papers. He claimed it’s because he has
‘other priorities,’” explains Buchan’s former
student, sophomore Cameron Gebhard.
As an anchor at Sports Center, Mr. Buchan
must devote most of his time to working on
set. The show is sponsored by Crocs, so
naturally, every cast and crew member of
the popular television show wears these
shoes on an everyday basis; but viewers
cannot see the footwear because the
broadcasters hide their feet behind
the desk.
Mr. Buchan is no different.
In fact, he is even more
enthusiastic than
April Fools!
Page 7
-junior Rachel Lyon
Page 9
Caught Roid-Handed
by Ellie Kleinhans
2008 boat race winners found guilty of using steroids
Last January, hundreds of East Lyme High School students were
“A small trace of anabolic steroids was found in Michael Boucher’s
puzzled over the results of this year’s cardboard boat race. How did urine during the testing,” said Barry Bonds, who is the founder of
scrawny senior Mike Boucher and lanky junior Dan Forget beat the National Scholastic Anti-Doping Program and administered the
defending champions? A few injections
tests. This resulted in Boucher being
of anabolic steroids seemed to have
disqualified from any further swim
done the trick.
meets for the year, forfeiting three of
“It’s about time somebody in this
the undefeated team’s victories, and
school is caught using steroids, but I
putting him on probation.
never thought it’d be my kids,” said
A few days later, Tucker got a
engineering teacher Lewis Tucker who
hold of this information and at last,
holds the annual cardboard boat rac
the boys’ maroon adhesive name
at ELHS.
tags were peeled off of the trophy.
The team’s motive: to have their
“There was nothing else I could do.
names forever inscribed on the first place
I had already disqualified one group
trophy. They risked their lives, but sure
who had done an illegal tape job and
enough they won. “Boucher started the
another who had done some illegal
competition wimpy, but ended it pretty
splashing of spectators,” said Tucker.
beefy. I thought somebody had been
Despite their disqualification,
S.Felitto/saga
juicing,” said senior Ben Fontneau.
Boucher and Forget had been spotted
Although there was much speculation Above: Mike Boucher and Dan Forget have been caught using
in ski masks walking away with the
about the steroid use throughout steroids to help them win this year’s boat race. their awards and first place prize, a $2,000,000 dollar
the contest due to their extremely records have been revoked and they will forever be banned from check, just last week and have not
the East Lyme Boat Race.
disproportionate heads, the perpetrators
been seen ever since. If you notice
were not proven guilty until March. That is when the members of the them wandering around the halls, please report them to security
ELHS boys’ swim team, on which Boucher participated, were put director Jim Barnes.
through a random drug test before the state tournament.
Patty Cake, Patty Cake
and his fellow teammates began practice on
A new sport requiring quick hands and
that have a hard time keeping
members
the
Marc 17.
devotion is being offered at ELHS
looking to win some titles.”
We’re
up.
While this spring may be the team’s
Although the team’s season just began,
by Amy Li
rumors questioning the team’s “natural
Junior Reed McFarland sits in the
talent” has become the highlight of
commons surrounded by his closest
lunchtime gossip. Regardless if it is
friends as they clap their hands together
fact or fiction conspired from jealousy,
and sing along to the beat. The beat
various patty cake players have accused
quickly speeds up and competition rises
their captain of using performancewithin the small circle. Although this
enhancing drugs.
gathering may look like an innocent
“Reed is so good!” says junior Ellen
game of patty cake, it is not.
Little, “It’s not normal. I swear he uses
This year at East Lyme High School,
steroids…how else did he win Patty
a new spring sport is being offered to
Cake Nationals?”
students in all grades.
McFarland on the other hand,
The Patty Cake Team, or as captain
denies this, explaining that if he used
Reed McFarland likes to call it “the
A.Li/saga
steroids, other team members use them
Patty Cake Squad,” is the brainchild of
Jackson Forcier and Reed McFarland practice their patty cake
there are many talented
because
too
McFarland, who was once the National
slaps before their match tomorrow night.
besides himself.
members
Patty Cake Champion. Having
first year competing, the members are all
of right now, the team consists of only
As
competed at a state level, McFarland felt that
extremely devoted to the sport and hope to
members and is therefore looking for
ten
it would be “cool to have the same type of
have a successful start.
more students to join. Tryouts will continue
competition at school.”
Senior and squad member Kat Buckingham to be held through mid-April and McFarland
After receiving permission from Principal
explains, “We have some really strong encourages students in every grade to join.
Lawrence Roberts to create a team exclusively
players and Reed’s really great about helping
dedicated to playing the game, McFarland
The Viking Saga
Red Sox
February 31, 2008
Page 8
Some activities are not to be attempted by the faint of heart and Irish step dancing is one of them. Luckily, sophomore Elizabeth
McLoughlin has never been one to back down from a challenge. Her fearlessness and determination lad her to the National Irish Step Dancing Championship and gained her a free trip to the international competition. Now, Elizabeth is training hard but is working even harder to
protect the secret behind her success…
She’s Got More Than the Luck of the Irish
Elizabeth McLoughlin was born in
Dublin, Ireland and her parents noticed right
away that she was not a typical baby. “Most
children weight about 6 pounds, 5 ounces
so when Liz was born at 3 ounces, we knew
there was a problem,” says her father Matt.
Doctors confirmed that Liz was half
leprechaun almost immediately
after she was born. When the
doctor tried to hold her she jumped
out of his hands to prevent him
from stealing her pot of gold.
“We loved her as much as we
would have loved a full-sized
baby,” says Mr. McLoughlin.
“Nevertheless, we were concerned
about how her size would affect her in the
future.”
At first, her parents decided that they
would support Liz the way she was, green
hair and all. Unfortunately, Liz’s elementary
school years proved that society would not
accept her the way that her parents did.
“The third grade was hands down the
worst year of my life,” says Liz. “The kids
teased me relentlessly, calling me broccoli
by Alexandra Addabbo
head and green bean. The worst part was that
I never went a day without someone asking,
‘Hey Liz, where’s your pot of gold?’”
Later, however, they discovered her
inherent talent for Irish step dancing. “Few
know that leprechauns are the best Irish step
flew over.
“Leaving Ireland was the hardest thing
we’ve ever had to do,” says Mr. McLoughlin.
“But we knew that what we were doing was
the best thing for her.”
Once reunited in the U.S., they met
with Dr. Bradford Cruise who told them
that Leprechaun Growth Hormone, or
“LGH,” was the only thing that would
make Liz the same size as humans.
“Of course we were skeptical at first
but the results were incredible,” says Mr.
McLoughlin. After just one year on LGH,
Liz had grown enough to compete in her
first Irish step dancing competition.
The combination of leprechaun blood
and LGH coursing through her veins led
her to that victory and many more after,
including the National Irish Step Dancing
Competition. But will this magical mixture
prove to be the recipe for success in the
national competition?
“I’m confident that she’ll take the title,”
says Mr. McLoughlin. “She’s got more than
just the luck of the Irish on her side.”
‘We loved her as much as
we would have loved a fullsized baby.’
Boxers or Briefs
by Weiss-k
-Matt McLoughlin
dancers,” says specialist Dr. Conan O’Brien.
“This is due to the fact that they are too small
to compete in human competitions.”
With the advice of Dr. O’Brien, Liz’s
parents decided that it would be best for their
daughter to send her to a doctor in the United
States who could make her normal-sized. At
the age of eight, they carefully packed her
into a Lucky Charms box and shipped her
first class to the United States while they
free! ancem
enh
mu
e
scl
With any $2 purchase
from the Viking Vault
Featured Athletes
Using Steroids
Josh Patterson
Wade Berry
Leah Clement
Steve Gray
Kevin Dolan
Ben Fontneau
en t
Kleinhans Makes All ECC!
East Lyme basketball’s senior John
Kleinhans receives ECC recognition
for his wonderous and outstanding
performance on Senior Night against
New London High School. John
dropped three buckets in the game.
Christy Nixon receives a modeling
contract with Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition.
James Gordy signs a contract with
the Denver Bronco’s cheerleading
squad. He dreams of one day
cheering for the Cowboys.
see ts
l
su !
t
fas
re
Victoria Santoro
Carly Thibault
Jillian Rix
Emily Walker
Matt Lento
Dick North
This
c
o
u
ld
be
y
o
u!
The Viking Saga
Red Sox
February 31, 2008
The Riking Raga
Are you Entertained?
Rapril 1, 2007
ELHS Shooting Stars
A Tough Act to Follow: Bobby Buckley Heads for a Bigger Stage
by Ramona Ostrowski
Many people would do
almost anything for a chance
to meet their idol. Others
would sacrifice their left thumb
for a shot at stardom. Luckily for senior
Bobby Buckley, he was able to accomplish
both these goals while keeping his body
intact.
“I’m opening for John Mayer!” Buckley
squealed excitedly when asked about his
most recent accomplishment. “I broke into
his tour bus when I was at his last concert,
and I waited in there for seven hours before
he came in.” This gutsy–and illegal–move
almost got Buckley arrested.
“When [Mayer] first came in, he was
really mad and freaked out,” Buckley
admitted. Luckily, he soon assured the
singer that he had only good intentions
by whipping out his guitar and serenading
Mayer with the song he had written for him,
“John, You’re the Mayor of my Heart.”
Mayer was so impressed by the song,
and by Buckley’s devotion, that he talked
to his manager and booked Buckley to
be the opening act for his upcoming
summer tour.
“I will definitely go see the concert,”
says junior Alyssa Andres. “I love John
Mayer, and I love Bobby Buckley.
It’s going to be even better than the
Spice Girls!”
However, the news is bittersweet for
some. “I wish the rest of us in Offhand
(the band Buckley is part of) could go with
him, but I’m happy for good ole Bob,” says
Buckley’s band mate, senior Nate Belke.
“I’ll make it up to them,” Buckley says,
acknowledging his group’s disappointment.
“I’ll get them all concert tees.”
Buckley strikes a pose with Mayer and mutual fan
Vanessa Hudgens
Lights, Camera, Action: Joe Wawrzynski Makes His Way Toward Hollywood
by Alexandra Addabbo
for fame since he was a baby. According to his
mother Leslie, Wawrzynski has been posing
in front of the mirror since he learned how to
walk. She says that his biggest inspiration is
“definitely Derek Zoolander; he thinks they
look like twins.”
Since hiring his agents, Michael Bloom
and Linda Crawford, Wawrzynski has been
going to various go-sees and casting calls.
“He’s very enthusiastic and is willing to
try anything. We’ve sent him to open calls
for everything from Abercrombie and Fitch
catalogs to nasal spray commercials,” says
Crawford. Interestingly enough, Bloom
and Crawford are the former agents
of ELHS junior Matias Francone,
who they say was dropped because
“he’s just too modest and humble for
this industry.”
Though Wawrzynski has not yet
heard back from Abercrombie, the
nasal spray commercial does not look
like it will be the job for him. “I can’t
use it without sneezing,” he says.
K. Eberle/ Saga
Despite his minor allergic
Joe Warzynski graciously stops to sign autographs for a
few lucky ELHS students
reaction, Wawrzynski persevered
Look out Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom;
Hollywood is about to gain another
hottie. After hiring two agents, junior Joe
Wawrzynski is picking up modeling jobs
left and right and is preparing to make
the move with his mom from East Lyme
to Tinseltown.
“I always knew that being in the limelight
was my destiny,” says Wawrzynski. “I’m
pretty sure there’s more to life than being
really ridiculously good looking, but I don’t
feel like I need to find out for sure.”
In fact,
it seems as though
Wawrzynski
has been preparing
Page 10
through countless castings and finally found
the perfect job to jump start his career. This
spring, he will make his debut on televisions
everywhere when he appears in a cologne
commercial with Antonio Banderas.
“I think Joe is perfect for a cologne ad,”
says junior Rachel MacLellan. “He always
smells so good!”
Fortunately, his newfound stardom has
not gone to his head. “We have to give him
at least two hours notice before we can do
anything so that he has time to get ready,
and sometimes it’s hard to get him out of
the mirror,” says friend and fellow junior
Surav Sakya. “Other than that, he’s just the
same guy.”
Once in Hollywood, Wawrzynski is
looking to make the transition from model
to model/actor. “I can definitely see him
as the next Mark Wahlberg,” says junior
Tom Krasner.
So take advantage of the time that ELHS
has left with Joe Wawrzynski. Find him in
the hall, shake his hand, or even ask for an
autograph. That future collector’s item could
pay off your college loans someday.
The Riking Raga
Are you Entertained?
Rapril 1, 2007
Thriller!
Michael Jackson inspired wedding
for two teachers
Hollywood Happenings
by Emily Newton
The latest news from Tinseltown
Who: English teacher Alexa Mantoni
and history teacher Henry Kydd. What:
A Thriller wedding. When: July 10, 2008
Why: Why not?
It is human nature to want to have a
wedding that will stand out. So in order
to have the wedding of a lifetime, Ms.
Mantoni and Mr. Kydd have taken a cue
from Wacko Jacko himself to plan this
undoubtedly legendary ceremony.
“Growing up, I was in love with Michael
Jackson… seriously in love. I’ve had the
posters, watched the videos, and screamed
my heart out at his concerts… It’s always
been my dream to have a wedding inspired
by him,” says Ms. Mantoni.
It was what some might call obsession
that prompted both Ms. Mantoni and Mr.
Kydd to take lessons at the East Lyme
Senior Center to learn the Thriller zombieinfested walk. They do the legendary
shindig flawlessly and love showing
their students.
“In English class last week, we were taking
a quiz. Then all of a sudden, Ms. Mantoni
turned the computer onto YouTube, put the
volume up all the way to Thriller, and then
just started dancing,” says junior Stephanie
Van Alsten.
“Doing the dance for my students helps
me practice because I don’t want to let my
fiancée down,” says Mr. Kydd. To complete
the effect, he likes to wear a white glove
that he keeps in his closet while breaking
it down. He says it really “puts me in
character.”
These sorts of precautions are necessary
because the dance is a pivotal part of
the wedding ceremony. The dance has
been murdered by anyone and everyone,
including prison inmates and Vice President
Dick Cheney. Both Ms. Mantoni and Mr.
Kydd do not want to be another statistic in
the Thriller failure rate.
Close family and friends are to attend
the wedding, with Billie Jean being the maid
of honor and a mysterious little man known
simply as P.Y.T. will be the best man. The
wedding will definitely be memorable…
and surely be startin’ somethin’!
by Ramona Ostrowski
K. Eberle/ Saga
Ms. Mantoni and Mr. Kydd practice, practice,
practice the Thriller dance for their big day
*In an arrangement that has shocked the
world, Angelina Jolie has announced that
she and Brad Pitt will be adopting the unborn
baby of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears.
“Taking children out of unsafe situations and
giving them a good home is just what we do,”
Jolie told the press. Spears says that giving
up her child was the right choice because
“Spears women just don’t seem to make the
best mothers.”
*Despite declaring herself a changed woman
after her stint in jail last year, no one has
seen a difference in Paris Hilton until now.
She began showing her new colors when
she announced that she would soon be
embarking on a 25 minute goodwill tour
of Canada. The purpose of the trip is to
provide citizens with exotic pets and “The
Simple Life” DVDs. When asked why
Canadians needed help, the heiress replied,
“That’s hot.”
*A bottle was found on a beach in France
containing the message “Help me, I’m
trapped by a crazy man!” The message was
signed “Katie Holmes.” A statement from
the representative of Tom Cruise, Holmes’
husband, says, “Katie is perfectly happy. She
loves Tom. She never wants to leave him.
Katie is fine!” Holmes has not been seen in
months, and her rep could not be reached.
The Junk
Drawer
by Kate Eberle
It may be hard to believe that there are any
musical artists in the world more talented than
Paris Hilton, but believe it-there is one, and her
name is Heidi Montag.
Montag was formerly known as MTV’s
reality show The Hills, but she has moved on to
bigger and better things. The release of her song
“Higher” has been an exciting mark of the beginning
of her music career. Montag has a sound like no
other, with a voice so amazing that it would reduce
Simon Cowell to tears of joy, and probably have him
begging on hands and knees for her to grace him with
another song.
Montag is a music-lover’s dream come true; the
only problem with her is her apparent lack of
self-confidence. In the music video for “Higher,”
she seems very self-conscious and coveredup. Obviously, she is one girl who has never
heard the saying “If you’ve got it, flaunt it!”
Nevertheless, Heidi Montag is an
inspiration to all musicians of the world. At
the end of “Higher,” she half-whispers, “Am I
dreaming?” The real question is, are we dreaming?
Or has the world finally found its best musician
of all time?
dontcostnothing.wordpress.com
Page 11
Talladega Nights
The Stupid, Pointless Backpage that everyone loves except Val and Stef
April 1, 2008
The Pictures that Never Made the Cut
Saga Archives
Mike McLellan and Matt Lacerte say, “Peek-a-boo!”
Saga Archives
SNAGGED! Big Paul and Chris Stevens share a
sentimental moment listening to Marvin Gaye’s,
“Let’s Get It On”
Saga Archives
Mrs. Hardy take note: A passerby steals a bag of Doritos
under Cameron Gerber’s nose. He is obviously slacking off
during his post at the College Fair refreshment stand.
Saga Archives
The hip-hop dance team tries out some new
moves in the choral room
Saga Archives
Saga Archives
Sandford’s impersonation of his idol, Hillary Clinton
And a response to this
Page 12