BAD REPORTER 02_06_16 SUPER BOWL 50 ACTUAL Final

In beautiful Santa San FranClara!
Don Asmussen
SUPER BOWL IIIIIIIIII
I’m all
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
yours!
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (50) $MMMMCCCL
I’m all
yours!
Limited Edition
Levi’s SB 50
sports jacket:
SPECIAL
Limited
Edition
Levi’s
Pay to Play
S.F. Mayor:
FUN SUPER BOWL FACTS USING ROMAN NUMERALS! (Under investigation)
Number of miles between game, S.F.: XLVI (46)
Number of dollars per ticket: MMMMMCC ($5,200)
Number of hidden homeless people: MMMI (3,001)
Number of NFL concussions in 2015: CCLXXI (271)
Number of dollars made by NFL: MMMMMMMMMCCCCCCLLLL
Costs to S.F. taxpayers: L (Not 50, just Loser!)
$CCCXCV
III ($398)
EDITION
SUPER
BOWL 50
FACT: Yes, Super Bowl 50 will hit S.F. with $5 MILLION in hosting costs,
but did you know the manure needed to resurface LEVI STADIUM’s field
is being processed from Mayor Ed Lee’s excuses for not charging the NFL?
Mayor’s Statements Granulated for Playing Field
Soil experts noticed that Mayor Ed Lee’s various excuses for not
asking for NFL compensation for hosting Super Bowl 50 contained
many of the nutrients in the manure needed to improve the poor
playing field at Levi’s Stadium (saving over $49.09).
Levi’s
Stadium
FACT: Mayor Lee’s inability to remember why he didn’t ask
the NFL for money has been traced to head trauma sustained
from repetitive nodding to Roger Goodell’s requests ...
Mayor’s Concussion From Nodding to NFL
When Mayor Ed Lee agreed to get rid of the city’s
homeless and restructure Muni bus wires in quick
succession, his brain may have impacted his skull.
Ed Lee’s brain
YES
YES
Horizontal mixer
Squeezing granulator
FACT: Those “Super Bowl 50” statues all over our city are VERY REPULSIVE,
but did you know they’re filled with CANDY COINS to lure the homeless away
from SUPER BOWL CITY? During Super Bowl week, EVERYBODY’S a winner!
Tear statue here
NFL Donates Over 600
Candy Coins to Homeless
Realizing the homeless have little need
for real money, the NFL has placed
12 statues, each filled with 50 candy
coins, around the city to feed our needy!
S
Y COIN
D
N
A
C
E
50 FRE
NFL Commish
Roger Goodell
Screening machine
FACT: In an effort to prove that SUPER BOWL 50 is the
“most giving Super Bowl ever,” the Panthers’ All-Pro
quarterback offers to help a growing Bay Area problem.
Cam Newton Starts ‘CAM for CAMS’ Charity*
CAM
CAMS
F
O
R
*For every concussion that occurs during Super Bowl 50, the NFL
will donate $50 to BART in their efforts to make all BART cams functional!
dasmussen@sfchronicle.com