You, Me, Us - RainbowYOUTH

“
*
“
*
YOU, me,us
Our people, Our relationships
“
you, me, us
every
“
Domestic
violence
relationship
is different
knows
terrenice, michelle, paris
no gender
or sexuality. - Clint
THIS BOOKLET IS WRITTEN
FOR ALL OF US IN OUR
(GLBTTFIAQQ) GAY,
LESBIAN, BISEXUAL,
TRANSGENDER,
TAKATAAPUI, FA’FAFINE,
INTERSEX, ASEXUAL,
QUEER AND QUESTIONING
COMMUNITIES.
We come from varied and
diverse backgrounds and have
a wealth of knowledge and
experiences. The beginning of
this booklet can be used as a
guide to help create unique
healthy relationships.
We often emulate relationships and behaviours that
we experienced when we
were growing up. Role
models can be useful, but
as a community we have
some distinct factors that
create different dynamics.
Sometimes it is enough to
accept and love ourselves
but even this can be difficult
when we work and live in a
hetro-normative society.
In our community there
are many different types
of barriers to discussing
relationship difficulties, i.e.
we may have issues around
positive disclosure, or our
sexual orientation, we may
be gender questioning, or
may not be out. Know who
you are and be who you are
because at the end of the
day we are all individuals
and deserve to be in healthy
and happy relationships.
Queer
A reclaimed word that
represents sexuality
and gender diversity.
We use it to encompass lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender,
intersex, fa’afafine, and
takataapui identities,
as well as everyone in
between and not sure.
This word is used by
many people, but it is
also appreciated that
it is not the preferred
term for everybody.
1
you, me, us
tips for
healthy
na
are i
e
nw
whe
tionship
rela
d
o
go
h
we say t
relationships
ings like...
think
say what I
lf, I can
e
s
y
m
e for myself too
be
have spac
I can
er but I
h
t
e
g
o
nt
even if they differ
ns are ok
ave fu
decisio
We h
d
n
a
gether.
ngs
ings out to
feeli
ork th
My
We w
in a healthy
relationship,
people feel...
love
afe.
d, trusted, respected, s
D
a healthy lo
vi
ng
i
t
o
a
nshi
rel
p,
has a balance of
passion, intimacy, comm
itme
nt.
and becks
ee
...
Do not expect anyone
to be responsible for
your happiness.
Too often relationships
fail because someone is
unhappy and blames the
other person.
Approach your relationship
as a learning experience.
Each one has important
information for you to
learn. A true relationship
will consists of people
who equally contribute.
Make and keep
clear agreements.
Respect the difference
between yourself and the
other person. Reach mutual
agreements or plans, and
then commit to it. Keeping
agreements shows respect
for yourself and the other
person, as well as creating
a sense of trust and safety.
Sometimes you need
to make a decision.
To let go of the past and
focus on the present. It’s
about taking control of
your current situation and
not rehashing arguments.
Review your expectations.
Try to be as clear as you
can about any expectations
- including acceptable and
unacceptable behaviour
and attitudes, especially
attitudes towards money
and sexual practices.
Be responsible and admit
your mistakes and say sorry.
Right after the misunderstanding or argument, take
some time to think of the
wrong and right things you
both did. Then come back
and talk about it.
There is no such thing
as a perfect relationship.
Sometimes you both will
need to make compromises.
Without disagreements &
arguments, your relationship
will NOT grow stronger.
GAYNZ.COM POLL
In a recent poll on
gaynz.com, our community said the four
most important things
in a relationship are...
+Feeling loved
+Being loyal to
each other
+Feeling supported
and listened to
+Having a special
connection
3
you, me, us
identifying
unhealthy
“No one h*
as
the
right to be
mean to you,
is w
t h at h e
hat a
lped me to person said
rea lise I was a victim.
- Tom
relationships
’
When we are in troubled
relationships, we say
things like... You always
criticise me, why am I
always to blame? Why is
this relationship so much
hard work? Can we really
fix it? You are so mean to
me, you never let me... I’m
not stupid. Don’t say that
sort of thing to me. I hate
the silence, I dread what
comes next..
Communication breakdowns
can and do happen in the
best of relationships, try
these communication tools
And yep... these tools will
help when talking to your
folks or boss too!
+ Stay calm and talk
and listen to each other.
+Use statements like,
“I feel angry (or other
emotion) when (insert
action) happens.”
+Show that you are
actively listening by
encouraging the other
person to continue
talking by saying, “yes”
“And then”, but not
interrupting!
+Try not to use the phrase
“You always...” or “You
never...” or “whatever”
+Reflect what is being said
to check you understand
what was said.
+Be clear about any
expectations, desires
and boundaries you
might have.
+Personal space and
time out is ok!
+Show respect and try
not be dismissive.
Sometimes it doesn’t work
out and it’s time to separate,
break-up, move out...
+Make a separation plan
together about how you
are both going to deal
with the finances, living
arrangements or any
children or pets.
+Make a weekly schedule
and stick to it!
+Add in some self-care
activities like exercise,
meditation, meeting up with
friends, going for a massage.
+Talk to someone you trust,
a friend or a counsellor
about your feelings.
+Keep an emotional
distance from your
ex-partner or the person
you are having a problem
with, to allow yourself
time to heal and sever
the emotional connection.
+Be strong! You left for a
reason and you will be ok
living on your own. You
can do it!
GAYNZ.COM POLL
In a recent poll on gaynz.
com, our community said
the things most likely to
cause arguments are...
+
+
+
+
Money
Ex-partners
Alcohol
Friends
5
you, me, us
6
what is abuse?
why people
stay in abusive
relationships
This is not a relationship issue,
it is abuse by one person on
another. Abuse is behaviours
designed to have power and
control over another person.
It can be physical, emotional,
psychological, verbal and
sexual. It can also be causing
a child to witness the abuse.
Signs that the other person
may have become abusive:
+Threatening to ‘out’ you
to family, friends or your
employer.
+Controlling your finances
and keeping you short
of money.
+Making major decisions
without consulting you.
+Blaming you for ‘making
them abuse you’.
+Calling you names, or
saying that you are a
bad person.
+Making it difficult for you to
see your friends or family.
+Threatening to hurt pets,
or members of your family.
+Phoning or texting you all
the time to check where
you are.
+Being scared for your
safety.
+Refusing to use your
preferred pronoun, or
calling you “it”.
+Threatening to take the
children away or using
them against you.
+Treating you like a servant.
+Hiding your hormone or,
Anti retro viral drugs or
any other medication you
rely on.
+Smashing your processions.
+Taking away your car keys
so you can’t go out.
+Refusing to practise safe sex.
+Threatening to throw you
out of your home.
PEOPLE IN ABUSIVE
RELATIONSHIPS ARE OFTEN
VERY ISOLATED. YOU MAY
BE FEELING CONFUSED
ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING
AND MAY NOT BE SURE
WHETHER YOU ARE THE
ABUSER OR THE VICTIM.
“ our
silence
b u y s o ur
peoples
su
ffering
- Jo
“
ALL RELATIONSHIPS RUN
INTO DIFFICULTY AT SOME
TIME, BUT SOMETIMES
ONE PARTNER BECOMES
ABUSIVE. THE ABUSIVE
PARTNER CHOOSES
TO HAVE POWER AND
CONTROL OVER THE
OTHER PERSON.
"
It is a common tactic for
abusers to tell their victim
that you (the victim) are
being abusive. These feelings are common, and
talking to someone who
understands abuse can be
helpful in sorting this issue
out. Additionally, you may
feel a sense of disloyalty
to our communities if you
talk about the abuse you
are experiencing.
the power and control wheel has more examples of abuse.
If any of these are happening in your relationship,
you may be in an abusive relationship.
you, me, us
“
8
safety planning
you, me, us
protection order
Richard
It is a good idea to talk with a
domestic violence advocate,
or a close friend, about your
safety plan. The safety plan
has three parts:
1 A
void serious injury
and escape violence.
+ Keep your car keys, wallet,
mobile and essential
medications handy so
you can grab them if you
need to flee. Think ahead know where to run to.
+If you can’t leave, move to
a place of low risk in the
house (not the kitchen!).
In very dangerous situations it may be safer to
do what the attacker says
and wait until the situation has calmed down.
2Preparation for separation
+Gather documents (birth
certificates for you and
the children, Protection
Order, etc), spare keys
and some money and
store them with a
trusted friend.
+Have your doctor keep a
record of any bruises or
injuries you sustain.
3Long term safety
after separation.
+Vary your routine (go to
different shops, banks
etc) so you can’t be
easily tracked.
+Vary your travel routes
going to and from work.
+Teach the children what
to do if your partner
contacts them.
+Tell your neighbours to
ring the police if they
see your partner around
the house.
+If you are in immediate
danger call the Police
on 111.
“ Its*not fair,
it ’ s
bu
not a choic
t it
ns
happe
- mic
helle
e
.
”
IT IS VITAL THAT YOU SET UP
A GOOD SAFETY PLAN FOR
YOU AND ANY CHILDREN OR
DEPENDANTS.
ANYONE CAN APPLY FOR
A PROTECTION ORDER
(PO) AGAINST A PARTNER,
FLATMATE, FAMILY MEMBER
OR CLOSE PERSONAL
FRIEND. A PROTECTION
ORDER MEANS THAT THE
NAMED PERSON HAS TO:
+S
tay away from you
unless specific arrangements have been made
to allow contact.
+Stay away from your
children if they are
named on the order.
Arrangements can
be made for safe
visitation with the
children if it is in the
children’s best interest.
+It is best to have a lawyer
who is experienced in
domestic violence to draw
up the order for you. If
you are on a low income
or are financially dependent on the person you
are taking the order out
against you can probably
get legal aid to cover the
cost of the lawyer.
+Ring the Shine Helpline
0508 384 357 and they
will refer you to a legal
representative who is
experienced in domestic
violence. Alternatively
you could call your
local women’s refuge or
community law service.
HOW FRIENDS CAN HELP VICTIMS
OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
+If your friend approaches you and says that they
are in an abusive or controlling relationship, the
most important thing you can do is accept what
they say.
+Don’t judge them if they choose to remain in the relationship as there are many reasons people can stay.
+Offer them a safe bed should they need to flee from
the abuse, and help them access GLBTTFIAQQ
friendly services.
+Help them plan for their safety.
+Tell them you will go with them to get legal advice
to help them get a Protection Order if they wish.
9
you, me, us
10
how friends can
To protect the victim, make
it very clear that this is
based on your observation
rather than anything that
the abused person has said
to you. Calling a person on
their behaviour can be a
challenging thing to do. Here
are some suggestions of how
you may like to do it safely:
+“I have been reading
about domestic violence,
and I am concerned about
some of your behaviours
toward your partner”
+“I understand that you
feel provoked, but you are
still responsible for your
own behaviour. Nobody
deserves to be abused”
+“I feel uncomfortable
when I hear/see you
treating your partner in
that way. There are never
any excuses for abuse or
controlling behaviour”
+If you witness an act of
violence, ring the police
and report it. You may
wish to ask to speak to a
11
the effects on
help abusers
TALK TO THE ABUSIVE
PERSON ABOUT WHAT
YOU HAVE NOTICED IN
THEIR RELATIONSHIP, AND
EXPRESS YOUR CONCERN
ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOUR.
you, me, us
children who
witness abuse
Diversity Liason Officer
(DLO). This is criminal
behaviour. The victim
needs to be protected,
and the abuser needs to
be held accountable for
their behaviour.
“Violence
sh
o u l d n't
be a secret.”
- Pa ris
*
CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS
AFFECTED BY ABUSE THAT
IS OCCURRING IN THE
HOME, EVEN IF THEY ARE
NOT IN THE SAME ROOM
WHEN IT HAPPENS.
Children often act out and
develop strategies to help
them cope with the trauma.
These may include:
+ Misbehaving and acting out
+ Over or under achieving
+ Becoming moody
+ Refusing to go to school
+ Staying out a lot, avoiding
coming home
+ Bedwetting and nightmares
+ Displaying short attention
spans etc
There are services available
to assist children deal with
these effects. It is possible
for children to recover if
they are removed from
the abusive situation. As
domestic violence is a
learned behaviour, there
is also the danger that the
children will reproduce
the same behaviour in
their adult relationships.
It is important to access
specialist services for
children to help them deal
with their experiences.
“ theres
always
s o m e o n e out
t h e r e t o h e lp
you get
t h ro ug h it . ”
- Nemo
“we believe
that listening,
laughing and
lots of cuddles
are part of a healthy
family environment.
Violence doesnt come into it” Elena Kirra, Melissa, Y vette
services that
can help
SHINE (TE KAKANO TUMANAKO)
NZ POLICE
0508 DV HELP (384 357)
www.2shine.org.nz
Have you met your local DLO? Find
them on www.police.govt.nz/about/
diversity-contacts
WOMEN’S REFUGE
www.womensrefuge.org.nz
OUTLINE
0800 OUTLINE
(688 5463)
www.outlinenz.com
COALITION OF COMMUNITY
LAW CENTRES
RAINBOW YOUTH
(09) 376 4155
www.rainbowyouth.org.nz
www.communitylaw.org.nz
CURIOUS
http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/
queer-youth/txt-support
GENDERBRIDGE
0800 TGHELP (844 357)
www.genderbridge.org
IT IS OK TO
ASK FOR HELP
0800 456 450
www.areyouok.org.nz