March/April 2013

The Healing Garden
March / April 2013
www.TCFSouthBend.org
Welcome!
To those of you who are newly bereaved and receiving our
newsletter for the first time, we warmly invite you to The Compassionate Friends.
We are other parents who have experienced the death of a child
at any age and offer understanding and support through our
monthly meetings.
It is often difficult to attend your first meeting, but those who
do come find an atmosphere of support from other parents who
understand a parent’s grief. Nothing is asked of you; there are
no fees; you do not have to speak a word if you do not care to.
If you are more comfortable bringing a friend or relative along
with you, please do.
Many have found these meetings help them to heal; and together
we learn how to live with our loss. We learn that we need not
walk alone.
Debbie Kamm & Dorothy Geiger, Chapter Leaders
st.joetcf@yahoo.com
The Compassionate Friends Volunteers
Co-Chapter Leader............................................... Debbie Kamm
Co-Chapter Leader............................................... Dorothy Geiger
Treasurer.......................................................Marty VanDenBerg
Member Information......................................... Dorothy Geiger
Newsletter Editor........................................... Deb Starkweather
Newsletter Distribution..................................... OPEN POSITION
Library............................................................................ Pam Malisa
Birthday & Anniversary Cards.................... Deb Starkweather
Outreach Data Collection.......................... Marty VanDenBerg,
Bill Wallen, Darlene Pruett, Donna Will
Newly-Bereaved Outreach Cards & Info........ Dorothy Geiger
Meeting Greeters......... Marty VanDenBerg & Cathi Walbert
Steering Committee.....................Debbie Kamm, Paul Geiger,
Julie Holt, Dave Joachim, Deb Starkweather,
Dorothy Geiger, Marty VanDenBerg
Special Projects (Spring Remembrance, ............ THANKS to all
Candlelighting Service, Golf Outing)........... who will volunteer
Monthly Meetings
(2nd Thursday of each month)
March 14 & April 11, 2013
7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
See meeting topics on page 7
East Bank Village Meeting Rooms East
403 E. Madison, South Bend, Indiana
Vol. 12, No. 2
Telephone Friends
Chapter Leaders ..................................... 574.607.5840
Adult Child Loss
Teen/Young Adult
Accidental/Sudden Loss
SIDS/Infant Loss Grandchild Loss
Death from Impaired Driver
Bereaved Dad
Sibling Loss
Step Father
Regional Coordinator
Dave Joachim.........................574.233.8347
Don & Sandy Collins............574.291.5794
Debbie Kamm........................574.229.2688
Debbie Bice............................ 574.674.0563
Kathy Wishart....................... 269.358.0821
Debbie Bice............................ 574.674.0563
Angie Welling........................574.386.4531
Don & Sandy Collins............574.291.5794
Dave Joachim.........................574.233.8347
Dorothy Geiger...................... 574.273.6514
Marty VanDenBerg............. 269.683.3059
Jerry VanDenBerg.............. 269.683.3059
Mary Rose & Cecil Jones.....812.254.3108
If you would like to talk to another parent who has experienced
a loss similar to yours, please contact any of those on this list.
Or if you just need someone to talk to or to find out more about
The Compassionate Friends, please feel free to call anyone listed
above. We welcome your call.
LIBRARY – Pam Malisa is our Chapter Librarian. We currently
have about 100 books, tapes and CD’s for our members to borrow. A complete list is available on our website. If you don’t have
access to our website, Pam will be happy to give you a list. If you
have any books that you would be willing to donate, we would
greatly appreciate it. Donated books will be marked as donated
in memory of your child. Please contact Pam at 269.687.9125
or 269.845.5912.
Inside this issue.....
Weeping may endure for a night... ..........2
Grief of Grandparents.............................3
I Am Spring...........................................3
Suicide language needs changed..............4
2013 Golf Outing...................................4
Angels Around the Country.....................5
Grief and Joy.........................................5
Anniversaries.........................................6
Announcements.....................................7
Weeping may endure for a night,
but joy comes in the morning.
PSALM 30:5
One of the things I do every morning is read a daily devotional. I
just started doing this about 2-3
years ago. I guess it is a way to
jumpstart my day. The above Bible
verse came from Trusting God Day
by Day, 365 Daily Devotions written
by Joyce Meyer.
These past few days I have been
reflecting on that particular verse.
When I initially read it I thought
about all the nights when I have
wept.
This all started July 22, 2000,
when my 16 year old son Bryan
was killed by a drunk driver. I
received the phone call in the
middle of the night with the news
that my son was killed. Initially I
didn’t believe it…it was a mistake,
he’s only hurt…this did not happen. It wasn’t until I saw the look
of compassion in Sgt. Bill Kraus’s
eyes when he had to tell me that
my son was killed that I knew my
Bryan was really gone.
I remember sitting in our family
room drinking coffee and waiting,
just waiting for
the sun to
come up. You see, in my mind,
this was a terrible nightmare and
once the morning sunrise was
upon me, well, then I would wake
up from this nightmare. The sun
did finally come up but I was still
in my nightmare. My weeping
was not only in the night, but my
night continued in the day and I
continued to weep.
Ever since Bryan’s death I hate the
dark of the night. The night only
brings bad news, bad things happen at night! I cannot go to sleep
without the television on; I have
to have light in the room. It is a
blessing when I do eventually fall
asleep but then I will wake up. I
wake to the silence and darkness
of the house. I feel so alone and
just so engulfed by the darkness as
if to suffocate me. My mind starts
to race with thoughts of Bryan’s
death, Bryan laying in the casket,
Bryan’s best buddies carrying his
casket; it’s like a slide show going
off in my head; click, click; one
picture after another with no end
in sight. It becomes so overwhelming at times that I have to
get out of bed and I go
to our family room
and just sit with
my coffee and
wait for the
sunrise.
So I have
been asking myself,
2 Bryan Przybylski
1983–2000
what does all this have to do with
the Bible verse? The sunrise in the
morning brings me a new day. It is
in the new day that I find my joy;
it is in the new day that I find my
inner peace. The new day reminds
me that some how I got through
another day without Bryan. The
new day reminds me that I have
found a new joy to celebrate; it is
the joy of living again. I find peace
in the memories of Bryan; I find
life in the memories of Bryan. I do
have so many things to be grateful
and thankful for. I cannot bring
my son back but I can live, love,
and learn from the way my son
lived and celebrated life.
As a grieving parent I am allowed
to weep at night; I give myself
permission to do that. I may weep
for many nights to come but I will
always find my joy in the morning. The sunrise is a gift; a gift
of a new day that may even be
without tears. The sunrise is a gift
to remind me to celebrate the joy
of life.
Diane Beasley
January 22, 2013
Grief of
Grandparents
I am powerless, I am helpless, I am frustrated, I sit here and cry with
her. She cries for her daughter and I cry for mine. I cannot help her. I
can’t reach inside and mend her broken heart. I must watch her suffer
day after day and see her desolation.
I listen to her tell me over and over how she misses Emily, how she
wants her back. I can’t bring Emily back for her. I can’t buy her an even
better Emily than she had like I bought her an even better toy when
she was a child. I can’t kiss the hurt and make it go away. I can’t even
kiss a small part of it away. There is no band-aid large enough to cover
her bleeding heart.
I used to listen to her talk about a boyfriend and tell her it would be
okay, and know in my heart that in two weeks she wouldn’t even think
of him. Can I tell her it’ll be okay in two years when I know it will never
be okay, that she will carry this pain of “what might have been” in her
deepest heart for the rest of her life?
I see this young woman, my child, who was once carefree and fun-loving
and bubbling with life, slumped in a chair with eyes full of agony. Where
is my power now? Where is my mother’s bag of tricks that will make it
all better? Why can’t I join her in the aloneness of her grief? As tight as
my arms wrap around her, I can’t reach that aloneness.
Where are the magic words that will give her comfort? What chapter in
Dr. Spock tells me how to do this? He has told me everything else I needed to know. Where are the answers? I should have them. I’m a mother.
I know that someday she’ll find happiness
again, that her life will have meaning again. I can hold out hope for
her someday, but what about
now? This minute? This
hour? This day?
I c a n g ive he r
my love and my
prayers and my
care and my concern. I could give
her my life. But
even that won’t
help.
I
Am
Spring
I am the beginning.
I am budding promise.
I spill cleansing tears of life
from cloudy vessels
creating muddy puddles
where single cell creatures abide
and splashing children play.
I am new green growth.
I softly flow from
winter’s barren hand.
On gentle breeze I fly –
embracing sorrow.
With compassion, we
feather nests
where winged voices sing
winter-spring duets.
As frozen ice transforms
to playful stream
I whisper truth – life is change.
I am spring.
I bless long, dark wintry days.
I crown mankind’s pain
with starry skies
in deepest night
lighting solitary paths
from sorrow to joy
as the wheel of life turns
‘round and ‘round.
Carol Clum
3
Goshen News, Letters to the Editor, September 29, 2012
Suicide language needs changed
Sept. 9 to 15 was National Suicide
Prevention Week. As of Aug. 22
Elkhart County has had nine confirmed deaths from suicide — eight
men and one woman. Men far exceed women on death by suicide.
Recently, I ran across the following that I felt compelled to share.
It is from “The Compassionate
Friends” newsletter, Goshen area
chapter.
The Compassionate Friends took
a historic step in 2001 to modernize the language that describes
a death by suicide. The national
board of directors adopted the
terms “died by suicide” or “died
of suicide” to replace the commonly used “committed suicide”
or “completed suicide.”
“Committed suicide,” with its
implication of criminality, is a
carryover from the Middle Ages
when civil authorities, finding the
victim had died by his own hand,
punished the survivors by confiscating their property or imposing
huge fines. Victims were forbidden traditional funerals and could
not be buried in a traditional or
church-owned cemetery. Suicide
was considered both illegal and
sinful by the laws and religion of
the time. “Completed suicide” implies earlier suicide attempts when
there may have been none, or that
it was some kind of project that has
now been completed.
Both expressions perpetuate a
stigma that is neither accurate
nor relevant to today’s society.
4 We now know that many suicides
are the result of brain disorders
or biochemical illnesses, such as
clinical depression. Just as there
is “glitch” in a cell that causes
the birth of a cancer, a “glitch”
in the brain causes an attempt or
an actual death by suicide. The
stigma associated with suicide
often forces family members to
choose between secrecy about the
death and social isolation. Their
hesitancy to seek the support of
the community increases their
pain and makes their healing more
difficult. Families who have had a
member die by suicide are helped
in their grief by the use of non
judgmental language.
— W. Rex Gleim
2013 TCF
Golf Outing
Sunday, June 23, 2013
If you are a golfer, or you know golftcf@yahoo.com with your
someone who loves to golf, we commitment pledge. Sponsorneed teams for the tournament! ship details are available online
at www.TCFSouthBend.org.
If you are not a golfer, we can
use your help in other ways.
SPONSORship LEVELS
• If you can sponsor a hole or
if your company can sponsor a hole, let us know.
q Ace Sponsorship • Maybe you can provide a
door prize or raffle prize.
Do you know someone who
would donate a prize?
TCF was organized to support
grieving families, and to do that
we need the funds generated
from the Golf Outing.
Contact Debbie Kamm at
574-229-2688 or email us at
$1,000
q The Eagle $500
q The Birdie $250
q Team Only $200
Hole Sponsor:
q Business $ 75
Name on sign:
___________________
q In Memory of $50
Name on sign:
___________________
q Donation Only $______
Angels Around
the Country
Judy Toles, of Plymouth, Indiana, lost her son, Robert
Williams, on May 1, 1980. He was just 19 years old.
Judy and her husband love to visit the Angel of Hope
statues around the country and so far has visited 67. Judy
is sharing these photos and her thoughts with you and we
will print them in coming issues.
Love Gifts
Our chapter exists entirely through
donations. Our largest expense is the
printing and mailing of our chapter
newsletter, which is distributed to over
400 readers. Love gifts enable us to continue our outreach to bereaved parents
through many chapter activities.
Judy Toles’ son
Robert Williams
Pensacola, Florida
Judy says: “This Angel is located
in a very well-kept memorial
park.”
A love gift is money donated to the chapter in memory of a child who has died.
If you feel a love gift is an appropriate
way to honor the memory of your child,
and to support this chapter of The Compassionate Friends, please consider a
donation in any amount, small or large.
If you wish to make a donation for your
child’s date and want to make sure it
is mentioned in the newsletter for that
month, please make sure we receive
your donation before the 5th of the prior
month (when our newsletter goes to the
printer).
Make your check out to “The Compassionate Friends of St. Joseph County”,
and mail it to the return address on this
newsletter. You may state the child’s
name. Your donation is tax deductible.
Thank you for your support!
Special
Thank Yous...
Grief and Joy
By Ara Parisien
Grief and joy are opposite expressions of Love. Allow those who are
grieving to grieve to their fullest potential. There is no ‘right’ way to
grieve or ‘wrong’ way to grieve – there is only ‘their’ way to grieve. It
is the depth of their despair that is in direct measure of the joy that is
available to them. It is the same for all of us. When they are ready, they
make the inevitable journey towards joy.
Be compassionate. There are no ‘right’ words to offer. Listening is all
that is required. Listen and know that in the midst of their excruciating pain, they are finding themselves, learning more about themselves,
forging a new definition of themselves and expanding into more than
they ever thought they could be.
Grieving is a birthing of a new way of life. The moment we are able to
see it as such we are on the path to joy.
TCF wishes to thank
the following people
for their generous donations to help support publication of this newsletter.
THANK YOU:
to Mary Jaronik, in memory
of her son, Mark Collins
to St. Joseph County
Airport Authority
to Sally Leath, in memory of
Damon, son of Dave Joachim
to The Posse, in memory
of Ryan David Morris, son
of Paul & Pam Morris
to Wilma & Eugene
Smiechowski Sr., in memory of
their sons, William and Michael
5
Elizabeth Edwards:
“If you know someone
who has lost a child
and you’re afraid to
mention them
because you think
you might make
them sad by
reminding them
that they died ...
they didn’t forget
they died. You’re not
reminding them.
What you’re
reminding them of
is that you remember
that they lived,
and that’s
a great,
great gift.”
Message
en:
From Heav
e…
I’m not gon
njoying
e
ly
I’m simp
the next
journey;
stage of my
so please
r me
be happy fo
at
and trust th
t again.
e
e
we shall m
6 Anniversaries
Birthdays and anniversaries of the dates our children passed can be especially
difficult. Please remember these people during the months of March & April.
Birthdays:
March
Michael Dworecki
Cesar Flores
Michael Ritschard
Domingo Flores Jr.
Jeremy Adams
Toni Aldridge
Tom Csiszar
Cynthia Diaz
Bob Downs Jr.
Robert Gerhart
Scot Rutledge
Calvin Rinke
David Johnson
Andrew Keber
Robert Owens Jr.
Quinn Hampton
Heidi Martinez
Kristopher Smith
Jeffery Feathers
Richard Abbiehl
Saundra Blubough
Terry Berkheiser
Joseph Biek
Constance Borsch
Rex Brown
Shaun Carmen
Dennis Connors
Priscilla Krege
Jeffrey Dimos
R. Scott Elston
Haley Dowlut
Louis Clark Sr.
Richard Focht
Evans Roderick
Collin Holt
Ryan Kerwood
Carl Kessner
Bruce LaPorte
James Leszczynski
Catie Lynch
Hannah Madejek
Alicia Manigold
Anita Archic
Steven Moore Jr.
Alan Nyerges
Thomas Price
Alberto Naranjo
Patricia Barnes
Joshua Edlen
Katrina Carter
Jeffery Poindexter
Emma Stevens
Tina Marie Nunley
Pamela Brown
Cody Walbert
Gina Kay Stone
Robert Wissler
Passings:
Kelly Anderson
Scott Schaeffer
Bob Downs Jr.
Christopher Gragg
Kristi Hudak
David Johnson
George Glantz
William O’Brien
Jonathan Quimby
Susan Sanders
Roger Schmidt
Jessica Sigafoose
Richard Abbiehl
Susan Armentrout
Shirley Hoffman
Susan Rhodes
Angela Wenzel
Jimmie Bough
Michael Bower
John Lee
Brian Buda
Whitey Culp
Rosalie Zielinski
Dolph
Ronald Ervin Sr.
Richard Gaska
Louis Clark Sr.
Ray Flosenzier
Michael Haag
J. T. Hoffman
Tyler Lamb
Collin Holt
Roberta James
Michael Chiddister
Jim Leak
Debbie Lemke
Michael Marciniak
Donald Matthews
Anita Kusmicz
Robyn Moore
James Sikorski
Dennis Rader
David LaCluyse
David Rudlaff
Rhett Rybicki
Ronald Sanders
Richard Snow
Emma Stevens
Tina Marie Nunley
Travis Vaszori
Thomas Yeagley
Birthdays:
April
Mark Asmus
Cole Burkhardt
Gary Burks
Kelli Carothers
John Clemency
Chris Hardy
John Tarwacki
Shirley Stump
Mablene Lovelady
Debora Snyder
Peter Thayer
Jerry Hardesty
Zachariah Sigafoose
Superior Smith
Casey Andrysiak
Olivia Berryman
Curtis Bethany Sr.
Dennis Bodnar
David Buchanan
Frances Ling
L. Scott Daggy
Ambrosia Foreman
Destiny Frick
John Gosa
Michael Gurthrie
Angela Hazelwood
Murat
Sophie Hoy
Tim Hudnall
Scott Kelsey
Joshua Kieffer
David Korlowicz
Seth Krekelas
Lisa Kurty
Chad Lambie
David Moore
Pamela OgdenSparks
Richard Penn
Dominic Phillips
David Priebe
Jonathan Quimby
Dennis Rader
Thomas Roggerman II
Dana Ruth
Aaron Sayer
Cheryl Miller
Glenn Shriver
Christopher Sipocz
Michael
Smiechowski
Christopher Smith
John Tarwacki Jr.
Pablo Trana
Jared Whittaker
Danny Young
James Woods Jr.
Thomas Yeagley
Margie Zehring
Bonnie Hurley
Edward Kurowski
Elijah Shelton
Passings:
Kim Guzowski
Brenda Kmitta
John Clemency
Patricia Wagner
Jeremy Kuminecz
Peter Thayer
Meghan Strathman
Pablo Trana
Sarah Vitriol
Saundra Blubough
Dennis Bodnar
Rex Brown
Roland Campbell
Miranda Hapner
Michael Ferriter
Vivian Fitzpatrick
Heather Genovese
Michael Guthrie
William Barrett
Michael Harris
Evans Roderick
Kevin Herceg
Sophie Hoy
Barbara James
Cortney Janowski
Mason Jenkins
Robert Joachim Jr.
Nancy Karlin
Ryan Kerwood
William Lane
James Leszczynski
Mason Linder
John Markin
Beverly Massie
Carolyn Tarwacki
Steven Moore Jr.
Maria Morales
John Nemeth
Steven Parrish
Dominic Phillips
Herman Williams
Alberto Naranjo
Nicolas Simeri
Ramon Hamilton
Judith Askew
Carol Armentrout
William Wiles
Jermaine Willis Jr.
Issac Zender
Bonnie Hurley
Chloe Clark
Announcements
Clarification
The Compassionate Friends’ National Office has requested that
we remind our readers that The
Compassionate Friends of St.
Joseph County and the Angel of
Hope Memorial Garden are two
separate organizations.
The Compassionate Friends is a
self-help organization, while the
Angel of Hope is a place to visit
as a reflection and remembrance
of our children.
Online
Resources
The National Organization of The
Compassionate Friends has Many
resources available on its website
including a national e-newsletter,
chat rooms discussing various
topics at various times, and newly
available “webinars.”
To browse through these resources, visit the national website
at: compassionatefriends.org
We hope many of you will take
advantage of these on-line services
but we still encourage you to attend and take part in our monthly
meetings.
March
Meeting Topic
April
Meeting Topic
Green Time
Showers of Love
Save the Date...
We are
looking for....
TCF Frankfort, KY Regional
April 5-6, 2013
Conference
... a Library Cart
(similar to what
a school or library
uses) to hold our
library books.
If you happen to
have one, or know
of one, please call
our Chapter Leader.
www.thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com
Like
this
or
similar
Our chapter
newsletters
are available online!
Go to: tcfsouthbend.org.
If you would rather read
online and wish to be
taken off the mailing list,
please let us know. This
would help save the costs
of printing and mailing.
TCF Mission Statement
National Office:
P.O. Box 396
Oak Brook, Illinois 60522-3696
Phone 877-969-0010
Fax 630-990-0246
www.compassionatefriends.org
When a child dies, at any age, the family
suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless
and isolated. The Compassionate Friends
provides highly personal comfort, hope, and
support to every family experiencing the
death of a son or a daughter, a brother or
a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others
better assist the grieving family.
Spring Remembrance
Celebration (Angel of Hope
Memorial Garden) May 11, 2013
Annual Picnic and Balloon
Release (Angel of Hope Memorial
July 2013
Garden)
TCF National Conference
(Boston, MA)
July 5-7, 2013
TCF Golf Outing
June 23, 2013
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day
of Remembrance (Angel of Hope
Memorial Garden) October 13, 2013
Annual Candle Lighting (Angel of
Hope Memorial Garden)
December 8, 2013
If you would like to volunteer
to help with any of these events,
please contact the TCF Chapter
Leader at 574.607.5840.
================
join our group on
FACEBOOK! Just type in
“The Compassionate Friends
of South Bend Indiana”
7
Non Profit Org
US Postage Paid
Permit #88
South Bend, IN
P.O. Box 156
Mishawaka, IN 46544
RETURN SERVICE REQUESTED
The Healing Garden
is published monthly for all
bereaved parents.
If you would like to submit
an article or have a suggestion
for information that would be
helpful to you, please feel free
to contact Deb Starkweather
(1109deb@gmail.com) by the
5th of the previous month.
Published Monthly by the
Saint Joseph County Area
Chapter of The
Compassionate Friends
P.O. Box 156, Mishawaka, IN 46544
www.TCFSouthBend.org
2013
TCF Golf
Outing
Sunday, June 23, 2013
8:30 a.m. Shotgun Start
Hampshire Country Club
Reg
is
D t r at
Jun eadlin ion
e
e1
3, 2
013
Pokagon Highway • Dowagiac, Michigan
Registration and Sponsorship forms are available online at:
www.TCFSouthBend.org