Open Power Rankings

Jimbo’s Power Ranking Week 1 Bonanza! What a Week 1! Just like the NFL Divisional Round, we had some dominating wins, some stunning losses, and a host of close games. I’d like to introduce you to all the teams, and break down how Week 1 went. Sports references abound in this first week; after all, it’s NFL Playoffs baby! Who will be this year’s New York Football Giants? Time will tell. 1. Here For Beer 1‐0 (+7) The Inaugural Flag Football Champions picked up just where they left off before the holidays, winning big games. With a new captain in Graig Omori, they strolled to a win in dominating fashion, posting the best winning margin of the young season with a flurry of athletic catches and a fast paced style that would make Mike D’Antoni blush. Will Graig prove to be the Steve Nash of this offensive juggernaut? Regardless, they are contenders and have grabbed the coveted top spot in our opening week with authority. 2. Sweaty Ballz 1‐0 (+5) An 11‐6 win against a highly touted, infinitely adorable Certified Puppy Rescuers? Not good enough for the No. 1 Spot, but it’ll get you respect in a hurry. This team was lean, mean, and aggressive on the court and at the bar. Putting down drinks, throwing balls, and having an all‐around good time is what we’re all about here at Beehive, and Sweaty Ballz embodies this completely. Led by Captain Brick Jensen, with the name of a middle linebacker and the leadership of a Jim Harbaugh, they have announced themselves as a force. This certainly looks like a sign of things to come. 3. The Holy Crail 1‐0 (+6) Beatemdown! One of our original teams returns for the dodgeball season and captain Randall Crail has picked up where they left off last kickball season. Bringing it. Like Tom Brady against the Fighting Tebows, they seemed unstoppable in what can only be described as a demolition of the Designated Drinkers. They are no doubt a team to beat, and I see them in the top echelon all season. 4. Ballsagna 1‐0 (+4) There is now no doubt, Lindsay Gish has put together a strong team. They had a strong showing in the preseason tournament, but there was some speculation they were a paper tiger. Week one leaves no doubt, they are for real. My painstaking statistical breakdown (I won’t go into detail here but my comparison took everything from QBR rating to turnover margin to comedic flair into account) leads me to compare them to this year’s 49ers. Coming into the season strong, and yet nobody saw them as a significant threat. Well you have a believer here. It’s as certain as Clooney at the Golden Globes, you know he’s bringing someone home. 5. Balls Deep 1‐0 (+3) A rivalry renewed! Two of our big time teams from Flag Football got the difficult task of facing off in week one, and this time, the rivalry went to Balls Deep. They’ve fought hard in seasons past and this game did not disappoint. Captain Joe Williams was definitely cocky coming off the win, announcing his team as favorites to win it all. As a well‐known, New York asshole, I love the cocky but it doesn’t always pay off. It’s hard to doubt after a win against a tough, veteran opponent, yet a team doesn’t win it all week one (Are you listening Buffalo Bills?). There’s a fine line between confident and cocky, and Balls Deep appears to be on that tightrope, sheer white spandex and all. I can only think of one way to sum up the season going forward, “Get you popcorn ready!” 6. Squirrels Gone Wild 1‐0 (+3) The credit for this first week win has to go to captain Todd Morrison. It was touch and go leading up to the season, but Todd got his team together purely by strength of will and led them to a first week victory over a T‐Bagger team set on humiliating their opponents in the cruelest possible way. Squirrels Gone Wild would not accept any balls to the face and came through with a more convincing win than Eli Manning on the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field*. The future looks bright for Squirrels, and if the Giants have proved anything, it’s that momentum matters. That’s why I’m making Squirrels Gone Wild my First ever Big Blue, Ice Cold, No Doubt, Money in the Bank Lock of the Week. I predict they will win next week over The Ultimate Shockers. *All italics are meant to be read in the voice of Pat Summerall, Legendary broadcaster. 7. Boot Knockers 1‐0 (+2) A close, hard‐fought win for Team Lurp. Tied at 5 with only minutes to go, they closed out like Mini‐
Manning in the 4th quarter. That’s probly the only way you could throw “mini” into a description of this team. Led by captain Rayl Smith (6’4”) they have four guys charting above 6’1”. They may be 7th in the rankings, but they are dominating the league in team height and wingspan. Will this be an advantage or disadvantage? Tall and long can get you some speed on those throws, but it’s also a bigger target to hit. That being said, this team could be a dark horse. Height and athleticism, along with the steely resolve needed to overcome the cowbell echoing through the arena shows they have the mental toughness that champions are made of. 8. The Blakers 1‐0 (+1) As a Jazz fan, I hate what Captain Blake Trippet’s team name stirs up. Damn Kobe and OT losses at home to the team that will not be named. I mean, we all know Kobe chokes most of the time, right? 28% shooting in the last 24 seconds of games! How did we let that happen Jazz? Anyway, the Blakers showed that same killer instinct in an incredibly close game. Back and forth the whole time, they showed poise and skill against a powerful KM CLaws team that sees themselves as serious contenders. If they’re right, that says something about this Blakers team. They may not have won by much, but they were more convincing than that smoking hot bartender in the low cut shirt who asks if you want another shot. You know the one I’m talking about. Blond hair, heels, fake tits that her sugardaddy bought for her. I’ll take that drink. 9. Aim For the Fat One 1‐0 (+0) A win by forfeit is lame, but still, it’s a win and puts you into the top half of the rankings. Whether that will last is something we’ll have to see next week. Judging a team that won without a real game is as unfair as judging Tebow on the first 3 quarters of a game, he hasn’t even really started to play yet. The jury is out, but for what it’s worth, they looked strong against an incomplete team. I see big things to come. Stay tuned, the Broncos have the ball and they’re only down a score! 10. Dodgeballerzzz 1‐0 (+0) The Dodgeballerzzz faced a forfeit this week, but they got beat up pretty bad in the casual, fun game that they played so I have to put them below Aim for the Fat One. That said, the team they played was good. Damn good. I think this team can have a turnaround in a big way, and when you’re saying that after a nominal win, you know there are big things to come. Playoffs? You wanna talk about playoffs? I’m picking them to make it there. A little early to be making bold predictions, but I don’t shy away from bold. 11/12. The Ultimate Shockers 0‐0‐1 (+0) Ties suck. There’s no doubt. But hey, it’s not a loss and it will put you in position heading forward. Team captain Jessiciah Windfelder is definitely on to something with the uniforms. Gotta love the personalization, it’s that kind of style that you need to back up the substance. And team unity, fugedaboudit! They’re a sexy pick to make some noise this year and yes, that was a double entendre. Ok if I don’t stop here I’m gunna be busting out emoticons and nobody wants to see that. It’s gunna be tough next week as they’re on the wrong side of my Big Blue, Ice Cold, Money in the Bank Lock of the Week against Squirrels Gone Wild, prove me wrong! 11/12. Terratek 0‐0‐1 (+0) I hate talking about ties, it’s so much harder to give praise and ridicule. That being said, when two teams are evenly matched, it can still be a good game. This was all that and much more: pretty dodgeball in more than just the game play. I’m very high on Terratek right now. They’ve got style and grace and no quit in them. Zuzana Lucan has nothing short of Ray Lewis’ leadership skills, and I have a feeling we’ll see that her pep talks for the team are just as effective. 13. KM CLaws 0‐1 (‐1) A tough loss in a one point game has KM CLaws sitting firmly in the middle of the rankings. And I have to say, they have more promise than Andrew Luck. Cynthia Kersey has put together a team that’s as tough on the court and they are in court (cue up the rimshot!). Seriously though, they showed up strong for the preseason tournament and clearly learned a few things. I’m usually pretty hard on the losers, but this has to give them confidence going forward. I like what I saw, I like the perseverance, and I like their chances going forward. Chin up guys, there’s always another week. Well done Cynthia, The Iron Woman of Dodgeball. 14. More Cowbell! 0‐1 (‐2) A tough loss for More Cowbell! They brought the bell, the noise, and hung in for a while. But then came what leading analysts are calling the Discount‐Double‐Choke. Annika “Aaron Rodgers” Hoidal has shown leadership putting together a great team and doing the little things that give a team unity. Yet, they collapsed when it counted the most. This is early in the season, so I don’t want to give and resounding pronouncements, but I’m going to. More Cowbell! must learn how to close, and fast. If they can do that, they’ll definitely make the playoffs. If not… Prove me wrong guys! 15. T‐Baggers 0‐1 (‐3) It’s a tough start to the year for Kortnee Bates’ squad. The team formerly known at the Honey Badgers joined forces with MovesLikeJagger, and The Beers, but if there’s one thing I know about them, is that they don’t give a fuck. Lots of new faces mean it will take time to gel, much like the Eagles this year. But unlike the Eagles, they can get it done. Since they have that drive, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt… just this once. But let’s be honest, a loss is a loss and they’ll have to recover quickly. They have to get beyond not giving a fuck and on to humiliating their opponents with balls to the face (metaphorically speaking of course). 16. Wrench Dodgers 0‐1 (‐3) It always hurts more when you lose a rivalry game, and a week 1 loss against Your Mom will be a bitter pill to swallow for the Wrench Dodgers. However, unlike my beloved Giants crushing the Cowgirls (suck it Romo! Watch how a real man plays this weekend in Frisco!), there are some positives. The Dodgers looked strong down to the end and Sara Parker has put her name up early for MVP consideration. Down the stretch she was dodging, ducking, dipping, diving, and dodging, coming up with big catches, and keeping her team alive solo against 3 on the other side. There’s only one word for that, heart. You’re making Patches proud Sara! May he rest in peace. 17. Certified Puppy Rescuers 0‐1 (‐5) A rough start for the latest incarnation of the Inaugural Kickball Champions, but they’ve been here before. There’s no substitute for experience and CPR will have to lean on their well experienced core of Bryce Edwards, Tim Psarras, The Arrellano Boys, and Joe Paterno Memorial Team Captain Award winner Mike Webber. I’m calling all you guys out. A back and forth first half gave way to a blow out in the second at the hands of a squad new to Beehive. It’s early, but a ‐5 start isn’t how the Victory Gold envisioned this season starting. Channel your inner Alex Smith and you’ll be alright. I mean the big game Alex Smith, not regular season. 18. What the Duck? 0‐1 (‐4) We witnessed some Lindsay on Lindsay crime this week as What the Duck? stumbled in the second half and fell by 4 to Ballsagna. They could’ve been played off like a Meryl Streep’s Golden Globe speech, it started off fine but lost its way. They’ll need to regroup after this week but hope springs eternal early in the season and there are signs of a solid team here. It’s anybody’s season at this point so don’t despair, every Disney movie starts out with some difficulty and they always seem to work out pretty well. Embrace the drama and enjoy the ride. Ducks fly together! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! 19. F’ed Up 0‐1 (‐7) True to their name, they got F’ed Up. Ok, not very original, but that joke was laid out there like a T.J. Yates pass. To be fair, they ran into the buzz‐saw that is Here For Beer, but I don’t like excuses. They showed some fight in getting 4 rounds during the game, but that’s small consolation for a team with high expectations and the potential to get there. Silas has some work to do in getting Baby Blue up to the level they are capable of. Will they bounce back? Will Yates become a competent NFL Quarterback? Right now it’s touch and go. This is a show me league, so show me what you got. 20. Designated Drinkers 0‐1 (‐6) The DDs need some help here. I usually like to save the rah‐rah college speeches for later in the season, but this team needs an enema! Here we go: Yeah, you went up against a good team and got beat, but excuses are like asshole. You gotta believe in yourselves. You’re so money and you don’t even know it! This is the time when the strong step up and come together! This is the time when the good guys forget the past and step up to beat the bad guys! You’re the good guys, and they’re the bad guys, and I’ll be damned if I’m gunna let the bad guys win! Nobody believes in you, prove them wrong! Eat your heart out Les Miles. 21. Complex 0‐1 (‐0F) A forfeit was especially disappointing, since they work at the arena. I haven’t been this let down since the national championship game was chosen… then played out just as badly as we all knew it would be. Step it up guys! There’s still time to bounce back. 22. FBGM 0‐1 (‐0F) I feel like a parent whose kid just screwed up. I’m not mad… just disappointed. But don’t let it happen again!