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for the vast maja.ri ty of my 11 fe l/ve hated
myself &XRaXR wanted to die. i considered myself
tom wretched to· express my overwhelming misery &
too alien to beliong in the wOTld. my mom breast
fed me, changed my diapers &. read books outloud
to me.
what t he fuck was my problem t huh? a
lotta the time when ~/d genuinely express my
internal monolouge to my mother her face/d turn
red & sheld cry "if that/s the way you REALLY feel
we need to check you into a mental institution
tonightH so i knew i didn/t have a right to my
feelings & surmised pretty quick that i was most
likely a bad person who was a threat to mYself &
others & not to beh trusted ..... swhen i WCfS really
down on the futility of existance my momld kinna
mutterK under her breath that she was scared ild
murder her & my dad in their sleep ••• t~t.
usually on~y happened after ild smash my tOYs or
puncliJl a hole in the dfbor so i can under8i~d her
fear towards me;. i co,l1.ected k:eives & read dark
novels & taliked about hating myself & practiced
a lotta self harm & killed insects fer kicks
I WAS A D BIG FUCKING CREEP
my person~l crazy is the subject matter of much
of. -my writing & ilm not gunna gointo it ~u:x
right DOW~ except to say that it turn~~out
that ilm a TRANNSEXUAL so the solution to my
problems xx were as easy as cutting off parts_ of
my, body.
sometimes, when i/m feeling distrustful of my­
self, i wonder if i became a tranDyto HEAL or
if i used it- as an excuse to externalize my inner
BROKENNESS.... ixiuoidunno when i t~nk"tha t ilm
usual]'y stuck in some self-hatingtu., thought
loop so i don/t even real pay attention to those
ideas BUT I STILL HAVE TROUBLE TRUSTING MYSELF
SOMETIr'lES••• Really, tho my lif.e/s no longer the funeral; it . tIme PARADE.. now. i pretty much JLove myself a LOT
•
/
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3
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& tbouroughly enjoy
fe. my damage, when [ul re ized & implemen ted, became the faun da tion 0 f my current happiness & well-being. when i truly embraced all of my shameful secret brokenness and dressed myself in its grotesque splendor i was transformed into THE PERSON ID ALWAYS WANTED TO nO'/J
BUT WAS SCARED THEY WERE TOO COOL TO TALK TO OR
SOHETHING
XMXg~xx«g~«xtkatx~Jx~t~~J~t~x~xRtx~Xg~MR
donlt think that ilm that special - the horrific,
fragile, tran tory beauty of who anyone is
kinna always oil the person" even if they don/t
kIlow at Cari) •• i dunna tim left sorta shellshoked
~ike a carteOn character wl.birdies flying around
their head after being hit wi a frying pan. lVE
i
HATED MYSELF MORE THAN ANYOTHER PERSON & NOli I
LOVE MYSELF SO HOW CAN I NOT SEE EVRYONE AS
HAGICKAL CREATURES OF INFINITE DEPTH???
i believe that our external realities are
largely a reflection 0 f our internal statws •••
BL.M1
BLAH BLAH TIME FOP. THE ACTUALSTORY
**********************************
When i first met ada she was all bubbly and blonde
and self-assured. she/d just travelled from new
mexico to tennessee by greyhaund with a half drunk
bottle 0 f whiskey stashed in her bag••• wi thin a
few weeks we were sleeping together" sharing a tent
& preparing tomcreturn to new merlco together.
it seemed odd to me to get insxso deep with some­
one i hardl y knew, i asked ada "uhh, what/s your
nanrative? haw would you explain thre o;verarching
themes of your life?" she laughed shallowly as
we walked slowly on the dirt road saddlebacking
the lLimeston e hill our camp was on, "1 used to
think o;f myself as a seed deep in the ground thats
been there for such a long time that i thought it
was dead" Ou t now i tIs sprou ting i
think"
•••••• **.*.** •• **.****.**.***.** •• *** ••• **
WE were in new mexico for about 6 months;:x & almost
the entire time my asshole Was stubbornly tight. like,
it was a chore even getting a finger in there. most
of the time when ada would try i/d be all "ah! more
api t! ouch L please stop ••• 1f this routine put a
defini te strain on bott my GENDER IDENTIY & SEXUALIT}
ilm a transwoman which means my brain says my body
sho!uld have a vagina~ uterusI' avaries etc, but i
was born in a male-body so i/m kinna nuts &: my ass­
hoI e i8 ana1lgous to my pussy. asshol es are
magni tudes mo.re sensi ti ve & delicate than real Vagina
MY HOOt-HOO BREAKSroWN REAIILy frequen tly •••
ada would beg me to have sex wi tb her "i t/s not fair
you/ne the only person around & i fuck you all the
time & have for Months and i have 5 planets in svorpitt I NEED to get fucked" after a few days of this i/d give into her demands and weld have sex with me using my cock to fuck her like i was male & ild always prematurely ejaculate & ada/ad scrunch up her gace bitterly "i had to beg you for a week & i t wasn/t even good ••• " weld arrived in new mexico at the very end of EBJlXJI.
september. at first we stayed in a tent &: the nighttime temperature didn/t fali much lower than freezing but :in a month/s time it ~ gotUB cold menough at night so in the morning all the piss in our pee-jars was frozen Be: haed to be thawed out in the sun~ we bought a trailer and slept there till camille fixed up a disintigrating sand-bag cabin &: we had a woodstove to cook on. there was
ft of sn~:that winter.
everyday i ran around Ulle pro'l?erty gathering woo:d & cl.ean snow to melt for drinking &: dishwater&: making eDQ;rmOUS piles of aicy snaw to save for irnigating crops in the sprin@
&: lIlakin g lotsa experimen t.:ail.. garden beds.
a
my Do d.y Wq.8 ban ded in cails of muscJie yiel:ded thft~f
inceSsant toil. i ached & ached & smoked c~ gar e
and weed and Was borsd&restlees &- i/d try to
relax &- write letters but xxlltllul'bbfit my life Was
kinna too far away from myoId friends so ild
desperately look for mOTe tasks to do around the
homestead ••• whenever i. e:g>t drunk or ate shroom.s i/d
be mo.(lldy &: withdrawn for days & have freaky late
niglit episodes of screamingc madly as i punched my
thighs until ada/d come outside and call me fucked UD
lSi crazy and say she was gunna leave me & then she/d~
spoon my trembeling body til i fell alseep whichis
really all ild wanted all along.
i WOTe dresses & had long hair &: everyon e called me violet; •• i w~ted desperatelyx to be accepted as a girl with out ever talking about itx i hungered to have my testicals sJ!.iced crutta my bodyllt cuz i co'uld feel em po:isoning me giving me a beard & chest hair &
an ugly alien bone structure ••• I WAS SO FU~~NG TKRED
OF ALWAYS »iEEDING TO BE DOING SOMETHING PHYSICAL with
tbis sickly droning need to BUNT & KILL which remainec
unsated &' was directed only at myse1.f in o,utbursts of
self- vio'l en c e.·
fOJr n(l):; gaod reason i was pretty much convinced that the
apocaliypse ]Loomed imminent i wanted to smugly survive
on my maUD taln top
the rest @f the world burned •••
be all N<¥ YOU DlDUSTRIAL CIVILIZATIDN YOU OUTCAST ME
I SPIT ON. YOU WHILE JIYOU FUCKIBn DIE
in every way i was HARD and TIGHT **************************************************** a.
of C<DUrse by the time we ]left new mexicowe/d both
ga";t tan chronically i1.1 from the ca1d &: toil & not ea tin
enough while smoking cigarettes all day &: betng really
really crazy & stressed:3 c:rutll
ada/s parents ]ive in portland crregansa we ditched
tbe who:;lte new mexico scene & :Jx lDloved in with them.
~
h
lEX ada/s IDiom, said to me the
the fir~t thing tt a~,~~:m
was picking us up fram the
first tlme we me lb.u,.-1lJ
ah:
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airport was a whispered "are you going to get THE surgery?" which was appropriate to ask i guess; one of the main reasons ioafS in terested in mo;ving to portLand was to access harmonal & surgical tran ssexual therapy .•·.. GO to portlan d GET anestradilal script & SNIPPED then return to new mexico to keep on the vigil for the end times ••• in pictures from that time period my eyes burn like an animal stuck in a steel trap pam showed us pictures on her cell.pbone o,f her face
after sbe/d tripped at nigbt and her teeth/d ripped
thr~ugh ber upper lip .. images of her face puffy &
lDiroken & raw she showed as she lightly touched a dime
sized pink scar right below her septum. she said" i
want my doctor to give me testosterone - he gave me a
Ii ttle &, it had felt so good, like i could stand up to
paul FINALLY after all these years. oh! i go·t a new
psychiatrist, hels really good i tell Ya, hels $200
an hour i got him cuz hels smarter than me,. that/s all
i wan t. he prescribed me adderal which is REALLY
he~ping me out" sbe checked her pocket to make sure
she hadn/t lost her adderal capsule & then we were on
the plane nViolet, can i ask you something? ada once
took a shower wi her ex-husband when they were living
with us &: i was in the hOJUse & was uhhh very disturbe
will you please not take a shower with ada?" Ilmom that
was over 5 yeabs ago" "i know ••• " Iii tis ok pam, i
wont take a shower wi ada,. i respect your boundarieE
••• *.**.~*.********** •• * ••• *.*** •• * •• ********
ada brought me sightseeing & introduced me to her
.~*
friends.· she took me out to; restruants &: drove me to
see therapists&cioctors to get on hormones. we went
out dancing & pam took us to buy shoes & sundresses.
w~ both slept in the basement right next xto each
on two twin beds. weld sometimes touch each other
quietly at night & i got cum stains an the sheets but
i donlt thiD~ adals parents ever found out.
*.**.*** •• * •• *.*****.** ••• * •••• **.*******.~
,
Hpan fir$3l:; &rrlvlng in portland i 'Nas richly endowed
with goals.. i told everyone i wanted to be a nurs4
cuz the happiest&.!least crazy pea/pile in new mexico
were all nurses. i was gunna get a job & work over­
time SO i could save up cenoubh to get my testicals
excised by a real surgeon. i planned on volunteeringxx
at as many community gardens as i could& i/d have more
friends than time to spend with them •••
tkK at an urban forestry training workshop i
acquired
6 herrloom tomato plants from a community college
pro fessor unloading his studen t/s }lIxa.seed-startis. i
plan ted them on a rainy day on a strip 0 f soil right
outside the garage where ada had planted corn one year
paul, ada/ s dad, was exci ted tp' put us to work. ada
& i worked w/him to finish two rooms in the basement & then we put gravel on his lawn and mulah & raked the co:vered grass up then re-seeded the bare spots cuz ada/d read in the oregonian that this lawn treatment
radically redu ced the amount 0 f water needed but we did
it in late spring which was the absolute worst season
so we kinna destroyed paull B lawn.
Pau1/s a missionary & has smuggled bibles into chin§j..
he gave a significant portion of his income as a tithe
to the church.. i was Sl rprised & delighted that he
accepted me as i took hormones &. my nipples became
much larger & i even caught his staring at my chest
one time.
ada st<!Xpped the car "i just drive you around &: buy you
things while you have $700 in your bank account ••• you
never buy me anything you/re Bra: so sel fish" "i/m sorry
ada i/m saving up for surgery &: don/t feel like i/ve
got money really. i/m gunna need $2,000 altogether
& really don/t know where the money/s gunna come from •••
i/m stressed about money TOOII "i understand violet •••
i o!we $600 on my credit card. we aren/t going to be
able to go out any mQ;re ll "uh, okay, i mean, i like takin@
walks with you, i hardly feel like i n ever need to buy
anything anyways"
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ada 1 ean ed back in the seat "i wen t to a den tist & i
have two cavities. i went to an optometrist & he said that my eyes are SUNBURNT from being in new mexico. my paren t s supportt me &; i/m 32 years o~ld, you/I:e in your early 20s ••• if it wasn/t for:; my parents i/d be blind
& toothless in the desert .... "
i have no marketable skills asi de from bein g cu te,. JelL
white & outgoing. i/ve been unemployed for over 3
&/ve spent most of that time in the woods getting stoner
trying to find people to fuck me
i spent many days
craft g a resume that highlighted my abilities to
get along with diverse people & "cook in very:Ei:dulxX1BlI
cballenging kitchen environments. everyday for 2
weeks i scoured craigslist emailing my Ek wacky resume
like casting a wide net. i/d also borrow onna t~paul/s
bikes to business heavy streetts & han d out my resume
in person.
two independant businesses gave me interviews. both chatted w/me extensively about my travels & ended our meeting saying "i/m so haflpy tahave met you!" but i didn/t get either job ~ i cried feeling personally
rejected & kinna decided my whole jo:b search was too
depressingxxan undertaking tocontinue with.
***.************~*****************.*.********
legally transitioning from one gender to the other
requires interfacin~with something like 5 seperate
rea11y intimidating beauracracies & carrying around
a lotta paperwo'rk.. i went to a transman therapist who
wrote a letter saying i/m trans & a naturo:.path who
prescribed hormones &: sprranolactone, a testosterone
blocker_ pretty soon i had girly nipples &- much
thinner skin.
in portland there a ]Lotta resources for homeless
peojple a; a large % crf wnicD are gender-variant youtb
i was able to get my name changed for free thru a
local organization
.
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~'cr a respo,nsible sJrgeon to performlegal genital
s')r ry one/s required to have two letters one from '3
m8£ters degree holding mental bealth professional & one
from a do ctor~te level shrink, either a pschologistxx
or psychiatrist
i
went toa community center for queer kids & asked a."ounJ
to see if i could maybe get free counseling from a
psycholugist 1!i for my letter saying ilm sane enoug@ tr)
have my balls lopped off. the social worker said no,
they only have therapists willing to work for nothing~
no doctors, but chsck out INO'rHEr;'WORDS the non-profi t
feminist bookstore there/s a coffee shop owned by
two transmen who wanna pro vide employment &. :xxR:xxjob
training to transpeople needing surgery money ••••
lfHEY t"IY NAMES VIOLET &. I HEARD YOUR A TRANS*OWWED
COFFEESHOP THAT WANTS TOKX HELP TRANNIES PAY FOR SURGERY
& IM A TRANNY NEEDING SURGERYMONEY" hand held aut eyes
bugging tlhi im cho.wder" he was drinking anespresso
si tting down wearing suspenders & a bowler hat lIi/m tikj
nice to meet you! \I he touched my han d smiling wi de with
kindblue eyes standing behind the counter
"yon should be trained by us - we can/t afford to pay
wages but you can keep your tipsll said chowder "once your trained as a barista you can get a job lotsa different places\1ll "yoo seem smart &: sweet, \I piped in tiki,. lIi/m sure you/II learn really quickly" II~ i wanna be train ed tomorrow! 11
lIok!!
a moment later iwas introducing myself to the girls who were running the bookst~~e &. scheduled a monthly transwoman support group m€ l stly cuz i wanted to meet cute t-girls i could pal around with &. adventure with & lick their assho,l.es or whatever i wound up spending a 1-ot more time at INOTHERWORDS
flirting with the volunteers &. drinking free coffee
than working for chowder &: tiki to what usually amonnt
amounted to, about 80¢ an hour
**.*****.******************************************
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paul & pam have a routine. paul/II
long bike
rides& rigourously practices christi~~ songs & pop
standbys on electric gui tar. malmost every morning
he makes tgreendrinli;' a spinach/arugula lorange juice
bl ender beverage .. he 0 ffers some to pam who drinks it·
very slowly. pam usually gets up aroun 11 am & it
takes her 2 hours tochange out of her pajamas. she
comes into the kitchen her eyes still closed and drinks
coffee & says "whene/s the cream are we out of cream?!!
pfoul/s alw~ys pushing his agenda trying to get people
to. do things for him .. whenever heix did it to me i/d
straight up laugh at him ORDERING me around & then
ei therKx do what he wanted OT keeplaughing & shrink
away. pauls much too pushy to take seriously.
paul was the breadwinner; we were all kinna leaning on
his retirement-savings. held give ada & x_x me his
credit card to buy groceries frok organic supermarkets.
we had to bring him a receipt but held let us get
treats. before we lefit for the store held tell ada
IIi know vioJiet doesn/t eat sweets but i want you Jeto
get me some cherrygarcia icecream. how do you do it
violet? ilm a sugar FIEND. i need it i tell you!lI
tlwell, i WaB. addicted to cugarettes for a: many years
&: one day i saw the addiction for what it truly was; a
semiautonomous IIBBJ:g;Jxfparasitic energy form & i didnt
want to feed x~txit anymore .•• i guess ild try to really
SEE what your addiction truly is. once you really see
it the addiction will disolve almost immediately#1I
"bEm, get two quarts of icecream - ilm sure ada & pam
will wan t some too·. II
***************************************************i**
ada needed about 5800 for dentalL work & pam who often
tricksters pau1 into spending money crafted a situation
where held fund adals teeth.
p~ Jlik.es buying things & spending money.
shels
expressed feeling a heightened sense of aliveness durin
till' moment o·f purchase.
she took ada to getnew eye­
g]asses & ada bought them all her credit card & then she
had a Dew ball &
Chain
--_::::::::::~:::::::::::;~:;:;;:;:================.......................r (
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ada
dif cult] crying, but
gut be
re her meon­
time shel d te,ar up & whimper ItI WANT NY MlYN ••• ':f. my mom
abandon ed me i know she di d cuz when marie was born
when i was 5 i saw mom leave her out t~ in the sun for
hours & forget about her & not feedk her. i had to
take care 0 f my sister cuz my mom wasn/t any good at it
.•• 1 Wfu"Ff NY 1'101-1'1 and ild cry seeing ada grown-up all
funny cuzza her damage like a tree growing into a
chain-link fence "poor baby!11 ild sa.) "i/ll be your mom!
'l
and ada laughed. & then cried more i held her head in
my lap & rubbed her back 11shhh darling i lOVe you so, so
much everythings gunna be ok, alrilght?1t
******* .*.*** *************************************
debbie is paul&pam/s dog. shels a little shitsu­
poodle mix. she always needs to be walked but i never
wanted to cuz shel s really slaw & tempremen tal & sllllJlx
walking her alwaysxhti: felt like pulling teeth to:wJ[Wx
me. ada loves debbie. weld walk her to!gether& look at
trees: "this is a walnut tree. see how the leaves are
feathery & they have a spicy scent?11
sbe repeated "this is a walnut tree! this is fUn violet
i like yo u showing me how to identify trees!! 11
"this is a honey locust, it makes big pods that taste
like sweet carob. some honey locusts have gigantic
scary thorn SI1
and then adald point at a tree sometimes !tdo you know
what type of tree that is? i betcha donlt know!" she/;d
exclaim liae a little kid & my heart wouldswell all
voluptuous & maternal "what tree is it?" l1uhhh ••• uhhh
•.. i forget • •• no! i know! !llX itls an ailanthus! 11
I1good job ada - 11m proud of you:txlearning the trees ll "yeah your teaching me!! 11 ************.********.***** ******.***********.**
after 2 mon ths it began to {f1et awkward for me to live
in the house. ada cleaned up the garag e & reorganize
it to be my bedroom. i made a written proposal that
i presented to paUl; ild do chores & pay $150/month
for the space. paul was into it, but stipulated
that by the en d 0 f oc taberxt i tid be too cold to
°nd a
lO fd h""re to f J..
l ;v
~ e ~n an unheated space ~
~v
°
n.x>
~------------------------~~ t2
different living scenario.
~i slept on a bed made Gutta two tables raised to fit
& covered w/ a sheet of x plywood. there was a~~H~rmG
tremendous a~ount of space which i used as a stuaro for
making tapestries, raucous music & kimchee.
right outside the gara.ge door were the tomatoes now
,-+ ft tall smiling & wavin g in the hot summer sun •••
my biological clock bad a deafening TICKTOCK demanding
i-n endless repitive thougliItloops YOU NEED TO CUT OUT
YOUR GONADS GiX GIRL cOLd sweat fonming - will i
have to do porn? sex work? get a buncha credit cards?
JUST DIY W:!Tb A POKER IN A FIRE TO CAUTEHIZE THE
WOUND &. SOHE STERILE SCALPELS &: COMFREY ROOT 1111
there was a surgeon in the posh suburbs who only
charged $1,800i for an orchi, most in the countJY
cost around $3,000 • •• i figured as desperate as i was
might as well ask my mom for tth.e mon ey so i wrote her
an email eatplLaining my scenario &: she called me &
asked lido you raallywant this?" "well •• _yes, i want
i t very much" so she justgx gave me the money.
*************** .****************
.i-
;~**********
Ada is into eve ensler, the person who wrote the
tagina mono~ouges. she found a scene about trans­
wamen wanting to have a vagina.
she was driving & i was riding shotgun & blabbering
"i think i already have a vagina. my asshole is my
vagina - i t/ s where i experiE1Dce most of my pleasure
and i don/t think that vaginas should be exclusive to
female anatomy. like, i think it/d be Fad for there
to a bottomy fag t.alking about his relationship with
nis vagin an
"i havent told you this before but it/s offended me when yo.u/ve call.ed yaurasshole a vagine. i/ve HAD anal sex before & i tis NOTHING like normal sex." III shudder// II
....................................
--~~~~;;;:==========~~~~-===
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"you can drop me [. f f here i think illl be able to
find my Way hamel; i Bobbed hand reaching to open
the car door &. RUN AWAY FROM THE SHAME I SSUEING
FOHTH FROM ADA LIKE A FOG MACHINE
IIIIOh violet, i/m sorry ••• " :SRR
II i
just feel so fuckingGROSS right now. II i cried &
cried & cried ada pulled over & held my head "there,
there" then we went home & i took a long hot bath.
*******.***~***********************
**k.*.**********
f:t<E'rF1JLLY grinding my teeth i started countingxQulm:Xwx
down the days till my surgery - i/d frantically
gotten my psych paper s in order & wrote the first
check to dr. nyguyea & frantically called to make
sure everything was in order & then movedx the xw
surgery date sooner & tried to reshedule again but i
had the soonest available slot.
i~ begged me to reconsider SAVE SPERM NOT FOR ME
BUT FOR YOURFUTURE LOVERS YOU CAN SAY YES TOLIFE
WITH yo:u/d make the cutest little jew babies please &
crying now cuz no, no, no! 6 months off of estrogen
when i could be CUT FREE in a week - no, no, no
ada & i take debbie for a walk it was a warm summer
night&: there were flowers blooming all around opening
their petals to the maOD. lisa ada i want you to drive
tothe surgeon. for the first few i want you to IX
Care for me .. illl pay you $150 plus $50 for fixing up
the garage for me • "'. i know you need to payoff your
jRJdebt & iwanna heJLp yo'u ff "~thanks violet ••• tho. t/s
very considerate of you ••• "
Ityeab ft we walk in silence, It violet i canlt do this
anymo re i knowi ts tot ally crazy but i kept on hoping
this whole time you I d turn in to' a man ••• tho. t on e day
you/d wake up & want to have seliJ wi me & !!LaId me &
have babies wi me but i was leading mysel f oia••• "
we stop walking tears slida down her cheeks "I FEEL
LIKE YO URE AOORTING MY FUTURE CHILDREN:H.Xi ts not fair
but i/m EO MAD at you " she kinna crumples on to the
ground"shb, itls okay ada, iEx stil"l 10V:,e ~I .JAmU'
whisper "i LOVE YOUX too: VIOLET• ..,. but -J: 1:
~ ~ you
.
"th me un~ess
cuz you wonl t have sex w~
....n a t
an d that isJ;lft ll.ll~
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it/s just really weird & i feel like when we have hetero-sex ilm undermining your gender identity" tliXE want you todo whate"ter will mal{e you happy ada,
if you want to have children ild love tOE: coparent
them when ilm ready, they dODlt have tocome from me!1
"i t just isnlt working violet you don/t touchm me &
dOD/t have sex & dOD/t want kids" It wel1-, i
still wan tlllX to be part 0 f your Ii fee can i "be your children/s aunt?'? can i show them different trees & teach them about herbs??!! lIyes!! i/d really Ii ke that" •• " ********************~******.** ••********.*****.***)
we drove to thefc surgeon/s ofl'fice much too early Be: waited for l&t hours in the parking lot. we got there before anyone else & walked around the woodsll! outside his building a little before we were let in. after that things happened real fast. dr. nyguyen told me he/s a christian as he injected
about 3 oz of local anaesthetic into my scrotum. didn/t
dox any gender surgery for 5 years cuz he thought it
was a sin but thenhe had a conversation with a priest
& realized trans isn/t bad, it/s just different "every­
one/s differEnt, itld be really boring if we were all
the :k: samellhe said we laughed a lot during the
procedurre & i shrieked funny lit tl e noises as he pulled
on my testes while cutting thro"ugh the spermatic
cord & then they were on the stainless steel
surgical tray & they looked SMALL&PERFECT and i was a
little taken aback to see them kinna resembaling pot­
sticker dUmplings cept made Gutta raw chicken & i knew
that MY OODY?S MADE aUTTA MED MEAT not plastic or
cosmic light swirls or jewels ••• when he sewed me up i
watched in a mirror &: i was so turned on i thought i
was gunna get fully erect in his hand. i limp out& he
prescribes me antibiotics & way too many painkillers
which i took kinna recreationally & felt a withdrawal
when± ±XXXH they ran ovt •••
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15
For the next month or SJ i W9S almost completely
confined to bed. aft~r the third day i was able to
use the bathroom & get food from the kitchen all by
myself but i never really left the hoose.
there
was no way i could ride my bicycle with my scrotum
swelled up to bigger than when ihad balls. i slept
all day and was in a benadryl & narcotics stupor.
for the first two weeks all i ate was steamed cabbage
miso soup, avocado sandwhichs & cowliver.
ada &: i had a conversation where she was pretty much
all like "i want to find a manx who will impregnate me
& have sex wi th me regularly because ilm a very
sexual person & i think that for 8 partnership to
wea ther storms there needs to be regular good sex"
"well remember john from new mexico? i remember you saying you were realj)y happy wi him •••• john was real into poetry - i bet you could meet sensitive good men at poetry slams or something"
the next mornin g ada had [3 tight 6,cret smile on.
she whisperee "i Xlllwrote john an email tellin g him
tha t ilm baby-crazy and think held make a goold father
because hels sober now and also kind and responsible &
sober &: he wrote me back & said held been hoping ild
send him an email like that and hels going to come to
portland in a week! It IIwow••• that happened fast ••• " when adals parents hea~he news they kinna lost it.
paul walked araund the house all despondent-like
coughing all the time. pam took twic.e the amount of
adderal she had been and was always sneaking aro'und
w/frlghtened jerky rodent movements getting right up
into eva:ryo:ne/s grill CLEANING ALWAYS CLEANING
pam sighed "i tried to tell ye.uviolet, adals a black
widow. shels just that way. if she/e not sleeping wi
yau i tl s like Yf3. den/t even exist. she ju st runs so
ho t & cO'JLd ••• n
when johh came to town xKaxxada left
wi
him to a
friend/s cabin in the woods. john left after 8
week & then two weeks later ada flew to visit him
& his family in nebraska and drive john/s truck &
life back to w portland where held go to school to
become an occupational therapistt so he could buy
their kids nice things.
paul was practicing children/s christian music to
play to missionary/s children at the world/s largest
missionary convention in ~stanbul. he was wearin~ a
big net of stress. i tried avoiding taking to pam
cuz she seemed determined to convince me ada WEJS a bad person which to\tally disgusted me. i kni t a big tapestry to gift I NO 'l'HERWO rws. i watchec
videos of ekhart tolle talking with oprah in endless
loops trying to fill mYself as much as possible wi
the gloriousness Qf the present moment.
i/d hobble inside wearing underwear with a maxi pad
catching the blood oozing out. i/d steam cebbage &
make nettle & oatstraw tea. when the wouldn/t make
anymore infusions i/d use the remains to mulch around
the tomato plants several were taller than me. i doted
endlessly on thl! tiny garden w/ the tomatoes & basil
i/d gO-it tten with food stamps and borage i/d tran splan te
from a different part a:f the ~rden and vines of
volunteer nasturtians. spent hours watering each ~X plant~ leaving a hose running at the base knitting Q,utside in the sun watching to make sure the soil was absorbing the mO'isture.. i/d baby & groom Jleach
~,plant extra special••• tomato plants Bend out little
branches called suckers where the stem. left
untended tomato plant '8 turn into an impenatrable
mess of vines growing in every direction.
i carefully removed each sucker so the plants
growth would be upwards &: intO' the fruit. as t~e
plants grew taller i had to stake themto poles ~ made
outta branches i cut from the hedge. the branches
become so fulla fruit they couldn/t hold themselves
up with out breakinm;
I TOLD THE PLANTS HEY I LOVE YOU SJ MUCH BE[.UTIFUL ATTTNGS
1\TD
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11
MY mom is going through menopause she came to
t
in portland at
g for two days at paul/s hou::ren
and i totally caught her trying to useKEX a met
fork to get toast outta a plu
d in toaster and i was
i don/t want you to
1 lilt.e !lmom!! be careful
ec troDlte yo ursel f!l& she Vi a s
like I!pssh! i/ll
be fine" which was a complete role reversal. i
think menopause may be a second adolesnce where
people who were maybe a
ttle too high strung in
tbeir teens & 20/s can now adamentally not give a
fuck.
~
ada was real excited to play host to my mom - she fdrove us around chirping & squaking like a bird. we go t soup & then wen t to the IMV. my mom pai d for
me to get a new driver/s liscense that says i/m a girl
named violet.
ada drove us to mt. tabor park whichi s on a dormon t
volcano i think. ada parked xxX-x on the curb abd
one ofxsHthe tires popped & she had to drop us off but
was. a real go:od sport about it my mom & i walked
around reservoirs & into a douglas fir/bigleaf maple
forest on a golden grassy hill lIi/m scared mom, i
don/t think i/ll ever be able to get a job, no one/sE
gunna hire me cuz i/m a tranny-freak"
II you/II get a
job violet that/s why i/m paying fOT
you to take the nursing assistant course "but when i/m at the_nursing home theydon/t even let me use the ladys room, i g have to use the gender neutral bathro.om"
"you chose tOI do this, that/s part of it"
lIuhhh, like i/ll probably have to be a sex worker &
& sleep underneath a bridge, but i/ve been thinking
Q.. f putting up am an internet add being all like f cute
t-girl looking for a generous older gentleman '"
"ha that/s just what you need violet a sugar-daddy!"
"yeah••• n
we sat underneath a sweet smelling douglas fir "yo,-/rr
beautiful violet, i/m sure everything will work out"
"mom can i ask you something? you always knew i was a
girl.. right? 11
J
/
IIno i didn
this came as a sururise!l
"nu-uh! from a very early age JOu had to know i was a
girl trapped in a boys bodyal
IIwell i thought yo were GAY wij.en ypu c ledme at
work when you were in elementary school & you were
crying that you loved your friend scotty & that made
you gay"
as we walked the incision on my scrotum got sweaty &
raw. i was in pain whenxHxx ada picked us up and
wasn/t even able towalk ~ mile to a restruant •. there
was .sketchy yellow drainage coming outta the wound
and i waw snatpping at everyone cuz i was scared & my
mom/s eyes focysed downward & looked like they could
issue forth tears at any moment.
** ••••******.**************************************
My mom cou Id only visit far ..l.t¥JR days largely cuz her
horse in massachusetts was ~t I she needed to care
for it. on our second day we drove 20 miles to old
growth forests on mt hood to' spend the day at baglly
ho tsprin gs.
my woun d was red & gross so we walked very slowly
thru the ancient forest of towering douglas-firs
covered in moss. as we walked~x i saw fallen giants
w/sap1ings grolWing right Q;utta the trunk "look mom!
see haw the little trees are growing out of the dead
oneEx? tbey can only grow there BECAUSE the giant
tree fell &: apened up space &: sunlight. in the
forest theres NO seperation between life &- death ­
they are different sides o~f the same coin in a 'tx
dynamic pro.cess.... II the air was sweet & we breathed
deep&y like the trees breath deeply.
we passeda: a rottingx:s:x:qa stump with a tree
growing Q'ut o;f it, the living tree/s roots followed
the trails of the stumps raots growing right into
the decaying wood &. deep into the ground
1lwe go·t to the hotsprings campi.ex w/open aired
roofinga: area with many bath-tube sized hOllowe.d
out algea coated cedar logs. i immediately reslgned
myself to not getting into the water cuz my wound
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v,as angry and all the stiches were coming out & there
was a penny sized hole in my sac.
i tried to read the oregon drivers manual So i/ d be
able to pass the j writen test and my mom was blathering
& laughing with delight feeding chipmunks right under~
neath the sign saying not to feed animals and taking
pictures of everything.
Ilm:om, you should go soak without me, i can/t CUzza my
condition, but you shoult.d its a beautiful experience"
"i will i/m just waiting for the big group to leaven"
"you shou1d wait closer tp the tubs so they don/t get
snatched ll
II '
•
OKay • .- .1 willI ••• bLJt i/m shy!" she whines & ixigI£QU?
. iimore her reading the drivers manual til she gets
ap~& leaves and i wai t 20 minutes & thenfxfollow her
down to the tubs.
she was chatting with a big group of women who
were about to leave but were explaining how to fill
the tubs with hotspring water being led through a
metal gutter and to make sure to bring buckets of
cold water so it isn/t 'IDO hot. the women are
tough & earthy they welcome me with big smiles and
dykey humor &; are all "you/re such a sweet daughter
brin ging your mom here!" ifx fill my un derwear with teabags to stand gUard against infection & scrub my tub real well. my mom brings me cold water & we
socak together alon e for an hour in water heated deep
with in the earth.
we walk out of the forest light headed & smiling
"i/m happy we go·t to share such a powerful womelJs
space together, mom ll
lIyes, we did, didn/t we? and those were womyn with
a
Y!"
my mom cried a little before she returned cuz she
didn/t know the next time she/d see me. we hugged &
said goodbye & expressed that we love each other
00, &) much like 5 times before we went to sleep
& she left
very W early in the morn~
}
/
After 3 weeks the swelling had gone way dowl] & i
r into my tires and went
was stir crazy so i put
flbr a bike ri de.
on the way i found bright red cherry sized plums &
sweet apples laying in the grass around a tree. i
put these treasures into my dress which i made into
a basket i held with my teeth.
months before ild briefly gone to a house where
radical faeries lived about 20 blo~ks east of where
i slept. i opened the door to the houssw without
knocking and began blabbering with ocram who was
all alone smoking pot &: looking mournful "xxonce
you feel the miraculousness of the present moment,"
i began wild-eyed& grinning off-kilter lilie a IlIX
merry go round I!YOlll realize that therels no need to
ever be in a nelf9.ti ve emotional state i try dancing
with the now like a flower slowly unfurling smelling
of LOVE &. JOyl! ocram laughed & a buncha faeries i
knew from coyote creek arrived & iWE was kinna outta
my go,urd with excitement like a puppy surrounded by
new people who think its abso~uteLy darling
i pulled kevins dreads ]ike i wa. some Borta top
• he asked !lcan i kiss you?" and afterwards ilm all
"YOU COULDA KISSED HE DEEPER THAN THATII & then im
surraunded by all the cute faerie:: boys and ilm
.
l::liQ.lding my cock shaking the empty scro·tum yelling
"SEE IM A EUNUCH NOW THERES NOTHING IN THEREII &. they
shift their eyes & laugh nervously & loud.
someone put an in dian music & we all started da.n cing
me swirling &,twirling like a bollywood acttress
laughing so hard it was like all my machinary was.
broken & alJL i co,uld do now was stomp my feet & make
bigh pitched faBrie braySE~HR«E
************.*********.**************~******.******
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ada decided to become a nurse. pam opened a window
to the backyard a$ i was getting ready to leave & shoo
her hea.d " s he shouldnt be o. nurse i told her she shou
be o. teacher but she never listens"
paul got back from sing.~ng Exchildren songs at the
missionary convention in turkey with a mysterious
illness & hacking cou~. he didn/t allow himself
anytime to recover he rode his bicycle 30 miles every­
other day & was stressed out & grumpy preparingx:fX'~x
for some other trip.
a
took a heavy courseload at school so she could
become a nurse faster &: move outta her parentis house
a.nd have babies. she convinced me to take a cell
biology class with her cuz she didn/t have time for
extracurricular friends.
my dear friend kurt came to portland. he came dresse(
inslinky dumpstered clothing & pink hair & pink
beard- smelling deeply of sweat & travel. kurt/s a
girl like me but he manages his womanhood in a
different way. kurt had this little broken razor­
scooter he got around on the handle bars were
twisted 90 degrees the wrong way so riding it was
kinna b~th dangerous & awkward.
we hung out at the food-nat-bombs house & drank juice
as it started toxxrain & thenwe watched planes, train
& automobiles at pauL/s house but he & pam were in
washington de sey we talked a lot about love & took
a shower together &: realized that all the deepest
of levels we/re sisters but then just like that
kurt was gone leaving me with a faint glow haunting
my dreams & we sent each other letters •••
• • **** .**************************.*.*.****»**
I took the stiches offa mylbund &: delicately tweezed it clean of hair. not lotlg afterwards i was healed I
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23
ada &icried a lot more & kinna hooked back up but
she wouldn/t be a bum with me no more an d the most
intersting thiBg portland was offering me weB dreams
so i picked up & moved to new orleans where i/ve
been for maybe 6 weeks and like life/s rad & i
donlt even feel that crazy anymore so much as cute
an d eccentric and uninhibited mo-stly •••
I DRANK ~ 2 GALLONS OF COFFE2 & STAYED UP ALL NIGHT
TO MAKJ:.: THIS FUC1GNG ZINE
00 MAYBE THI S
ANYWAYS l'IY LIFE "AS ooRTA SAVED BY A TRANNYZINE
( THANKS LOST! !) CUZ IT PROVIDED A CONCEPTUAL
FRAMEWORK I COULD STRETCH NY INSANITY TAUGHT
LIKE A HI DE &. SEE I T AS SACRF;D & BEA UTI FUL
AS i··meH AS ABERRJNT & SHANEFUL
YAKNOW LIKE
I LIKE £MAILS
***
HUGGWORT@NETZERO.COM ***
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