Daily Bull 2011-12-08

D
AILY
BUL L
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like Rammestien cat!
Pic o’ the Day - Jennifer Maniston
Sexy Alternatives
by TheHobosapien ~ Daily Bull
Sexy is a term, which in some circles, is not used too often, and
in other circles, sees more action
than a $1 hooker in a Siberian military base. This word “sexy” describes a person as being someone who hoards large quantities
of sex appeal. Sex appeal can
translate into many things, such
as; a job, lots of dates/free meals,
underage bar entry, many party
invites, groupies (or stalkers),
blisters, gang fights, gallivanting
boom boxes, orb-less hipsters,
and so forth… But despite these
amazing bonuses, the word sexy
just doesn’t do it for this writer.
Occupy Distro Racks
Yeah! Take that Lode!
The Night Before Finals
by Liz Fujita ~ Guest Writer
Twas the night before finals, when all over Tech
Not a student was drinking, not one little speck.
The textbooks were read in the classrooms with care
In hopes that a passing grade soon would be there.
The profs were a-nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Scantron tests danced in their heads.
And Mroz in his moneystack, and Les on his boat
Had just settled down for a pre-finals gloat,
When on Walker lawn there arose such a clatter.
Glenn sprang from his dough to see what was the matter.
As a dude, I naturally find the
word to bring to mind long hair,
big lips, symmetric face, slender
neck, delicate features, busty
chest well proportioned to
curvy hips, and deer haunches,
but I can’t help but to think that
the word “sexy” is feminine in
nature minus the fact that I’m a
straight man and therefore prone
to relating “sexy” to females.
This poses a problem because
whenever a lady notes aloud that
I am “sexy” I can’t help but cringe
a bit at the thought of being in
a slimming black strapless dress
with a mani and a pedi even despite knowing the true intent of
the statement; thus, a new word
must be fashioned in order to
bring about a guy version of the
feminine word “sexy.”
The beginning with an exploration of synonyms, we must find
a word that is more masculine in
literal meaning, sound, and connotation. Some reasonable examples of similar words include;
arousing, hot, provocative, seductive, sensual, voluptuous,
titillating, consumable, bangable,
hunky, handsome, dreamboat,
and beefcake. After creating this
list of potentials, we can narrow
it down to the choice word.
First of all, dreamboat, and beefcake are nouns that are not easily
transferred to adjectives, which
is really what we’re going for.
Dreamboat-ish and beefcakey
just don’t even come close to
sounding as awesome as the
meaning they’re some supposed
to be representing.
Secondly, some words bring to
mind imagines that are still feminine connotatively: Arousing – a
babe with a flute charming snakes
other than the one in the basket.
Hot – a scantily clad blonde
bombshell blowing your mind all
over the place. Provocative – a
gal dressed in fishnets, lace, and/
or hole riddled provolone. Seductive – some gypsy type done
...see Lovely terms on back
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Away on the ice rink they flew through and they hissed Shot balls at the goalie and screamed when they missed!
...see Christmas Examining on back
482-5100
...from Christmas Examining on front
Hall names on the breast of their newprinted shirts
Gave the courage to players with various hurts.
When, to what is Glenn suddenly a beholder?
Why, a freshman with books, and eight
tiny folders.
With a little old backpack, as heavy as
lead He knew in a moment it must be Bullhead!
More rapid than eagles this student’s
curse came
And he wailed, and shouted, and called
them by name:
“Fuck Econ! Fuck Thermo! Fuck Lin
Alg and Statics!
Damn Combo! Damn Orgo! Damn
Transport and Physics!
To the top of the MEEM! To the top of
the EERC!
Go kill yourself! Kill yourself! Kill
yourself, work!”
As dry wind that before the blizzards
do fly
When they meet with an obstacle,
books flew to the sky
So up to the roof-top the folders they
flew,
To a hall full of labs, and Sr. Design
too.
And, then, like a crinkling, Glenn
Daily Bull
EDITOR IN CHIEF
COMP EDITOR
MONOPOLY GUY
BREAD WINNER
SCRIBE
WEBMASTER
ADVISOR
Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita
Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan
Alec Hamer
Steve Whittaker
Benjamin Loucks
Kyle Roe
David Cold Snap Olson
Writers of Awesome: Olivia Zajac, Simon Mused, Cameron
Long, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Alex Dinsmoor, Jeanine
Chmielewski, Kara Bakowski, Kay McMahon, Sam Schall,
Kayla Herrera, Ian Smith, Veronica Tabor, Ryan Grainger, John
Pastore, Mike Freisen, Bill Melcher, Ben Harris, and mimetism!
©2011 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization.
All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed
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the creator. If you keep reading this small text, the
snow will become yellow before hitting the ground...
The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily
Bull for buying our own damn printer that this
publication is printed on. We would also like
to thank the Student Activity Fee for helping
to pay for our paper and toner costs. And
our vuvuzelas.
Advertising inquiries, questions
& comments should be
directed to bull@mtu.edu
heard on the roof
The tearing and shredding of each abstract proof.
As he drew in his head, and was turning around
Down the chimney a broomball man
came with a bound!
He was dressed all in pads, from his
head to his feet
And his clothes were all tarnished with
blood and defeat.
A bundle of jerseys he bore on his
back,
And he looked like he wanted to crack
a 6-pack.
His eyes – how they faltered! His dimples not merry
His cheeks were like roses – windswept, red as cherries.
His sad little mouth was drawn down,
he said, “Yo.”
And the beard on his chin was all
white, full of snow
The beast of a stick he held tight in his
hands
And the duct tape encircled its length
in grey bands.
He had a broad face and a ripped Captain’s belly
With biceps, Glenn noticed, that could
beat you to jelly.
He was sport-worn and tired, an exhausted young man
And Glenn laughed when he saw him,
for he knew the plan.
A wink of his eye and a twist of the
wrist
Soon the Captain had liquor, with a
huge lemon twist.
Glenn spoke not a word, but was somewhat upset
As the guy filled his shot glass twice –
thrice! Four times, yet!
And, holding a finger up high in the air
And giving a belch, out the window he
dared!
He ran back to the ice, for his team
heard a whistle
And around they all flew, firing broomballs like missiles.
But Glenn heard him exclaim, as he
threw back his head,
“FINALS SUCK, MTU, GRADE
OUR BROOM SKILLS INSTEAD!”
Adopt-a-Family
Family Details
Four boys: ages 5, 9, 11, 12
Their sizes are:
Medium T-shirts
Size 12 pants
Size 12 slim pants
Size 10 husky pants
Size 5t pants
Their interests include:
Hockey
Floor hockey
Legos
Jeff Singer
How to donate!
Donations of toys, clothes, etc.
can be made in the Academic
Offices Building in the
festively-decorated box. It is
located just inside the main
entrance to the building and
can’t be missed!
Monetary donations can be
made at the main desk in the
AOB – checks should be made
out to MBA Association. Show
some Michigan Tech love this
season!
Sponsored by the MBA Association
...from Lovely terms on front
up in semi-transparent cloth luring you into a trap using sloth-like
movements and oil drilling gyrations. Volumptuous – CURVES
YOU MOTHERF*****, the kind of
curves that TopGear fans would
sell their souls to drive. Tittilating
– a Mom attempting to nurse 12
babies at once.
Thirdly, some words just don’t
make the cut as the masculine
equivalent for other reasons:
Sensual – is still pretty close to
sexy and almost too long, “Tom,
you’re sooo sensual I want to eat
my foot.” It also almost implies
“horny”. Consumable – unless
cannibalism has more sex appeal
than I realize, this one is pretty
much a no-brainer, “Tom, you’re
sooo consumable I want to eat
your foot.” Handsome – not a
bad word for a compliment, but
more the equivalent of “pretty”
than “sexy”, “Tom, you’re soo
handsome, we’ll eat people’s feet.”
Hunky – this one is my choice for runner-up. The phrase “hunky dory”,
which means “ok”, really puts a diaper on this word. By no measure
is an ole chap suppose to derive “ok” from how you imagine him if
you want him to think he’s hoarding all the sex appeal, “Tom, you’re
so hunky that I want to have your feet.”
Lastly, we’re finally left
with “bangable”. This is
my top choice as it has
some crude, toughness
about it that gives it a
level of masculinity missing with “sexy”. Also, it
can be said with various
tones to imply an immediate need to shred
clothes to perform
seemingly violent acts in
the buff or to imply that
later on there might be
some afternoon delight
for dessert, “Tom, you’re
sooo bangable that I
want footy pajamas.”