LITTLE JAY`S TIMELINE A long, long, time ago, it

LITTLE JAY’S TIMELINE
A long, long, time ago, it was decided to try and figure out how our precious namesake
became the way he is. To accomplish this several people contributed to the overall research.
Such as it is. Some of this is profane, some profound. All of it is disturbing. So, with sincere
thanks to (in alphabetical order) Clarence St. Clarence, FredSox49, Hino, Illini Ed, Jamel
Bryant, SouthSideSlim, TomD and Tyrone Briggs for all their help. And, yes, there are a
couple of contributions from me as well.
I have removed the author of each thread to keep it more as a true time line. You can
access the original on line if you wish to see who wrote what. There are some indented parts
that capture online conversations that were required to make sense of the story. There have
also been some minor edits to account for spelling errors and the occasional grammatical
oddity.
So, without further ado, I present to you, The Legend of Little Jay.
Bill McCormick
a/k/a BigBadBill
*********************************************************
Little Jay was born in 1961. That was, until the error in the space time continuum was
corrected in 2009 and then Little Jay was born in 1959.
Dec 12th 1963-- parents find out Little Jay is a boy. It is more likely that was in 1969.
1964 – He* fails at tryouts for preschool gymnastics team.
June 11, 1974 - all the other boys in the neighborhood start getting deeper voices and funny
feelings. Little Jay is spared this terror.
June 12, 1974. All the other boys in the neighborhood beat the crap out of Little Jay because still
sounds like a girl.
June 12, 1974. All the other boys in the neighborhood beat the crap out of Little Jay because still
sounds like a girl.
June 13, 1974. All the girls in the neighborhood beat the shit out of Little Jay as well. Sexual
confusion and disturbing thoughts begin to develop.
June 14, 1974. Little Jay's father catches him jerking off in the bathroom to a picture of a nearly
nude Burt Reynolds in Cosmopolitan magazine.
June 15, 1974. Realizing that his "metro" sexual son would never be an athlete worth
mentioning, a father innocently encourages his son to write about sports and how it relates to
him.
September 29, 1974 Little Jay falls for the atomic sit-up trick. Runs out of the locker room in
tears after jamming his face in Guido Nardelli's hairy ass, as 15 freshman boys howl in laughter.
September 30, 1974. Falls for the atomic sit-up trick again thinking they were just fucking with
him yesterday.
October 1, 1974. The new kid in the class from Venezuela catches Little Jay alone in a dark
coatroom French kissing an Elmer the Safety Elephant blow up doll. The classmate's name is
Ozzie. A deep rooted hatred begins to grow.
October 20th, 1974. After waiting over 13 years for both testicles to fall from his abdomen into
his scrotum, Little Jay's pediatrician decides to just cut them off (this explains why his voice
never changed and is eventual transformation into him getting his fancy new vagina)
October 21, 1974. Little Jay promptly joins an all-boys school choir. He* screams in horror and
demands that the band leader to be fired by the school board for refusing him* lead soprano.
October 23, 1974, demands that his father get him out of the all boys' school when he discovers
the real job function of the "Head Master". His disappointment will follow him the rest of his
life.
October 24, 1974. A young Little Jay is disappointed to discover that his first pube was in fact a
small piece of lint from his Wonder Woman pajamas stuck to his groin.
October 25, 1974. A disgusted Big Daddy G. places plastic directly underneath his son's bed
sheet.
October 26, 1974. A disgusted Big Daddy G. decides that his son should sleep directly on the
floor with only plastic around him.
October 27, 1974. A disgusted Big Daddy G. does not allow his son to buy yet again another
gerbil-- 5 before him have mysteriously disappeared
October 29, 1974 - Chicago Sun Times
Flaming projectile gerbil!!
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the
gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City
Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Little Jay a/k/a "Tinky," had been admitted
for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As
usual, Tinky shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot
but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting
Mr.Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil,
while Little Jay suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story!!
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum...(Not in my life time!!!)
9. "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd
rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.).
8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass
like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing,
but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Tinky's "tunnel of
love."
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the
emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving,
pyromaniacs, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter
fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we
took this cardboard tube..."
4. "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and
discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after
something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents
on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Tinky" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who
insert rodents up their ass."
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. This happened in Pittsburgh. Makes you wonder if the Steel Curtain is actually made of
taffeta.
October 31, 1974 - Little Jay at his own choosing wears a tinker bell costume for Halloween.
October 28, 1974 Lemmiwinks meets the Sparrow Prince and reaches the large intestine.
October 29, 1974 Lemmiwinks reaches the stomach-- meets that Katatafish and answers the
riddleOctober 30th, 1974 Lemmiwinks escapes out of the mouth of Little Jay and is named Gerbil
King
October 31st, 1974 Lemmiwinks is caught again.
November 1, 1974. On this Friday (no shit, look it up), classmates are excited about the
upcoming Steelers game. When asked who was going to win the game, Little Jay responded that
He did not care because he was going to watch figure skating pairs competition instead. A
wedgie ensued.
November 2, 1974. MDF released from hospital after treatment for injuries received from the
wedgie the previous day. Vows to seek revenge against his tormentors, even if it takes the rest of
his life. Makes it home in time to listen to Dick Button's coverage of figure skating pairs
competition.
Friday, December 6, 1974. Little Jay tries out for the role of Santa Claus in the annual school
Christmas play. The director thinks he would make a better elf instead, citing the fact that unlike
all the other kids cast as elves, Little Jay can play the part standing up.
Friday December 20, 1974. Little Jay's big on stage debut as an elf in the school's Christmas
play. However Little Jay develops severe stage fright. This causes everyone in school (including
the teachers) to start calling him "Tinkle the Elf". A variation of the name "Tinkle" will come
back to haunt Little Jay 30 years later.
Saturday December 21, 1974. Pittsburgh Police Department apprehends a very young Little Jay
re-arranging the downtown Christmas nativity scene. Police report that the plastic farm animals
and wise men were found in "various awkward and highly suggestive lewd positions". Big
Daddy G. pleads for no charges to be filed. In the spirit of the season, the department agrees.
This might have been a mistake...
Sunday, December 22, 1974. Big Daddy G. catches Little Jay jerking off in the bathroom again.
This time while listening to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and moaning "Oh Rudolph!"
over and over again. Big Daddy G. is concerned. Not for the boy's sanity, but for his own
reputation should this incident ever become public.
Christmas Day, 1974. Little Jay is locked in a closet much to the delight of family members.
December 26, 1974. Little Jay begs, screams, whines and throws a continuous tantrum until Big
Daddy G. relents and agrees to take his son to the department store in order to exchange his G.I.
Joe for a Barbie doll. Little Jay is ultimately spanked after he also bitches for a Ken doll.
Christmas Day, 1974. Little Jay is locked in a closet much to the delight of family members.
December 26, 1947. Little Jay begs, screams, whines and throws a continuous tantrum until Big
Daddy G. relents and agrees to take his son to the department store in order to exchange his G.I.
Joe for a Barbie doll. Little Jay is ultimately spanked after he also bitches for a Ken doll.
December 27, 1974. Tinkle the Elf discovers the joys of Orchesis.
December 28, 1974. Little Jay tries on one of his mom's dresses in order to emulate his brand
new Barbie doll. Big Daddy G. grows more concerned.
December 29, 1974 - Big Daddy G. finds the doll he bought slightly altered. Much to his dismay.
Midnight, December 31, 1974. The New Year’s party at the Little Jay house is attended by
everyone in the neighborhood. However at the stroke of midnight, it takes an ugly turn. While all
the adults bring in the New Year by kissing each other, Little Jay celebrates by French kissing
the family dog in front of all of the partygoers. Mr. & Mrs. Little Jay are not amused.
January 3, 1975 Back in high school, Vito Ciccarelli snaps a towel at a naked Little Jay as he
comes out of the locker room shower. Catches him in the right nut and he passes out. Little Jay
refuses medical treatment, as he's too embarrassed to show he was too slow to deflect the snap.
January 19, 1975 Little Jay hears how guys avoided the draft by sticking peanut butter up their
asses. Little Jay decides to try it, even though the draft is over.
Friday January 10, 1975. Little Jay earns the wrath of his classmates by predicting the Steelers
will lose Super Bowl IX to the Minnesota Vikings by a score of 42-0 on January 12, and
referring to the Steelers QB as "Scary" Bradshaw. This is believed to be the start of his career as
a really bad sports prognosticator and creator of idiotic nicknames for athletes.
Monday January 13, 1975. Little Jay's classmates taunt him and give him wedgies for his failed
Super Bowl prediction and for insulting Terry Bradshaw. Little Jay responds by saying "Really I
knew they'd win all along. Bradshaw is a great quarterback". This is believed to be the earliest
known instance of Little Jay flip-flopping on an issue
Monday, January 13, 1975, Little Jay again falls for an Atomic Sit Up. Twice.
Thursday February 14, 1975. Little Jay receives an anonymous Valentine complete with a
picture of him receiving one of his many atomic sit-ups in a heart shaped frame. It simply reads
"Be my Valentine?" Little Jay never learns who sent it. He will pine for this "secret love" the rest
of his life.
February 16, 1975. After spending a day alone in his room mooning over the Valentine, and
skipping school, Little Jay discovers Cricket, which actually holds his attention. It leads to his
first foray into the Boys' Locker-room, the results of which prove disastrous to his developing
ego.
February 18-25, 1975. Little Jay recuperates at home after surgery to remove a cricket bat from
his ass. Develops a lifelong addiction to soap operas and shows about women's fashions.
February 26, 1975 - At a charity event which is supposed to help raise funds for orphans, Little
Jay calls the Pittsburgh Steelers' Defensive Line "The Silk Curtains". #68 L.C. Greenwood, #75
Joe Greene, #63 Ernie Holmes, and #78 Dwight White band together and run Little Jay's
underwear up the flagpole. Unfortunately for Little Jay, he was still wearing them. Since it
happened so soon after his surgery, Big Daddy G. is forced to remove his son from school for the
rest of the year.
Feb 27th, 1975-- Big Daddy G. takes his son to his first swimming lessons. Little Jay wears a
pink Speedo. Big Daddy G. asks "why?" Little Jay responds that while watching over 10 hours
of male swimming and diving he just wants to be "like one of the boys". Big Daddy G. is
worried. Little Jay jumps into the pool for the first time and sinks straight to the bottom. Big
Daddy G. saves his life after the lifeguard refused to enter the water for no known reason. Little
Jay stuffed heavy weights in his Speedo. Again, Big Daddy G. asks "why?". Little Jay responds
"I've got no balls. I love balls. I want big balls". Big Daddy G. sends Little Jay home where he
listens to AC/DC's Big Balls song for the rest of the day. Little Jay becomes obsessed with big
balls- especially those that can be blown up.
Feb 28th, 1975- 10:00 am. Little Jay encounters a rather athletic African American young man
for the first time in the showers. He is bewildered, afraid, confused and aroused. Afterwards he
asks Big Daddy G. "Why don't I have one of those?" Big Daddy G.'s deep battle with depression
begins.
March 1, 1975. While off school and getting lost in town, Little Jay stumbles into a special shop
and purchases the first of his many, inflatable, companions. Later, when Big Daddy G. discovers
this he starts drinking Sterno for breakfast.
March 2, 1975. The family cat disappears completely and the Labrador retriever never lifts or
wags his tail for the rest of his sadly suddenly shortened life.
March 3, 1975. The family dog commits suicide by running out into traffic after Little Jay
French kisses him again. Big Daddy G. graduates from drinking Sterno for breakfast to drinking
Sterno for breakfast and rubbing alcohol for lunch.
March 4, 1975. Big Daddy G. admits his "little problem" at AAA and brings his son* to a
meeting as life lesson. To this day, he remains the only member to the program for being exempt
from blaming himself for his addiction.
March 17, 1975. Big Daddy G. catches Little Jay with an Irish neighbor boy when Little Jay
screams "Ah Lucky Charms! They're magically delicious!" a little too loudly. Big Daddy G. falls
off the wagon again. This time, besides the Sterno for breakfast, and the rubbing alcohol for
lunch, he adds mixing Sterno and rubbing alcohol for dinner. It's also about this time that Little
Jay's mother starts to become more erratic and is often heard talking to herself in the
supermarket. ... And that is how the Pittsburgh moonshine Cosmo was developed.
March 18, 1975. Little Jay "accidentally" wears women's underwear for the first time. A fetish
develops.
March 19, 1975. While doing the family laundry, Little Jay's mother discovers two pairs of thong
underwear. One pair appears overstretched with a disturbing all to telling brown streak on the
inside of the FRONT side. The other pair was found stuffed in a back pocket of her husband's
jeans. She is further suspicious when her young son brazenly demands to know if he can
"borrow" anymore of his dad's "slingshots" that litter under the seats of the family car...
March 20, 1975. A concerned Big Daddy G. decides to search his son's bedroom for more
incriminating evidence against his alleged extracurricular activities. He is sickened to discover
that his son has hid the following:
2 Wizard of Oz posters depicting the innocent Judy Garland
1 deceased family cat doused in Vaseline.
3 jars of Vaseline
3 LPs scoring The Sound of Music
1 woman's size 12 figure skating outfit
1 Wilt Chamberlain blow up doll
1 SI Swimsuit Issue with the models' heads cut out and replaced with Burt Reynold's.
8 pairs of his mother's missing high heels
2 dead baby birds impaled by a few of the above mentioned missing lady's shoewear
1 air pump
1 list containing names of Pittsburgh athletes under the heading "Hate"
1 list containing names of "famous" soccer, badminton and chess players under the heading
"Love"
1 elementary school year book without any student well wishing signatures except a scrawled
LITTLE JAY! on the cover.
0 thong underwear (where could they be?) The parental concern grows deeper.
Monday March 25, 1975. Big Daddy G. decides Little Jay should go back to school. That night
at a parent-teacher conference, Little Jay's teachers tell his parents that despite their concerns
regarding his behavior, he is a good student. Big Daddy G. & Mrs. Little Jay decide that Little
Jay's recent behavior is "just a silly phase" he's going through and he'll grow out of it.
Unbeknownst to his parents & teachers, during the conference Little Jay is having erotic
fantasies about Brazilian soccer great Pele.
Tuesday, March 26, 1975; Little Jay returns to school, falls for 3 more Atomic Sit Ups and is
caught in math class pasting his school picture onto the faces of the models in a Frederick's of
Hollywood catalog. Another Parent Teacher conference is immediately scheduled.
Wednesday, March 27, 1975. Little Jay is found in the bathroom crying yet laughing sitting in a
pool of urine. Feces are spread on each 4 walls and 1000's of pictures of Pele are also on the
floor surrounding him in a circle. When he looks up at the teacher he has the new school gerbil in
his hands. A SWAT team arrives.
Wednesday, March 27, 1975. ONE HOUR LATER. Gerbil dead, 1 SWAT dead. Little Jay lead
away. Blood around mouth. Silence surrounds.
Wednesday, March 27, 1975. 5 pm. Little Jay locked in room. Camera's rollin. Looking straight
down Little Jay mutters "First principles, Detective. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each
particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you
seek?". Detectives are disturbed. Little Jay all of a sudden jerks his head to the left and starts
shrieking in a ladies voice "It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told".
Detectives more disturbed. "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again".
Detectives become scared. "Now it places the lotion in the basket." Detectives start to sweat.
"Put the fucking lotion in the basket!" Detectives run out of room. Little Jay jerks his head to
the right and says calmly "You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your
cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good
nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from
poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to
shed? Pure West Virginia. What's your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of
the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in
the back seats of cars... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere...
getting all the way to the FBI." Video tape is analyzed. Big Daddy G. cries.
Wednesday, March 27, 1975. 5:30 pm. Little Jay asks for food. Gerbil, extra rare. (What the hell
is going on?)
Thursday, March 28 1975. The City of Pittsburgh publicly bans Little Jay from possessing small
rodents as pets.
Friday, March 29, 1975 - At 9:30 AM, a drunken, staggering Big Daddy G. discovers Little Jay
gluing animal hair on to Barbie Dolls. One of the dolls is slicked with Vaseline and stained an
odd brown color. Big Daddy G. vomits, passes out and, upon awakening, begins looking into
military schools.
Saturday, March 30 1975. Upon sobering up later in the day, Big Daddy G. realizes that military
schools are pretty strict concerning the sexual tendencies of their students. He decides that it
might be best to keep quiet of his son's confusion. After all, what could possibly go wrong?
Sunday, March 31, 1975 - Big Daddy G. decides that God is the answer and takes Little Jay to
church. Little Jay enters a confessional when Big Daddy G. isn't looking. 15 minutes later a
priest appears; visibly shaken and disturbed. Big Daddy G. is asked to leave and take the "spawn
from Hell" with him. Big Daddy G.'s embarrassed family changes their name to bin Laden. That
is the name of a good solid family that sells marble tables in Italy.
Monday, April 1 1975. While doing the laundry, Little Jay's mom finds the phone number of the
priest tucked away in his overall jeans with big patches on the knees. The note includes "Call me
anytime". Once again a call to the Pittsburgh Police Department is dispatched.
Tuesday, April 2, 1975. Little Jay shows Big Daddy G. his new idea for a "children's TV show".
The program features four colorful tubby characters dressed as Gerbils: Tinky Winky, Dipsy,
Laa-Laa and Po who live in a futuristic dome (the "Gerbiltronic Superdome"), set in a landscape
of rolling grassland. The environment is dotted with unusually talkative flowers and periscopelike "voice trumpets". The only natural fauna are gerbils (although birds are often heard,
particularly blackcaps and wrens). The climate is always sunny and pleasant save for occasional
inclement days, with rain and puddles, and snow at Christmas time. The gerbils are played by
actors dressed in bulky costumes. Big Daddy G. whips his son and sends him to his room to
sleep on the plastic sheets on the floor. Big Daddy G. again starts drinking heavily.
Thursday April 10, 1975. Opening day. Little Jay earns the wrath of his classmates for calling
the Pirates "The Pittsburgh Butt Pirates" and predicting they will "lose 90 games this year". Little
Jay narrowly escapes death when a teacher prevents the kids from making him walk the plank
from a 3rd floor classroom window blindfolded and naked.
Friday, April 10 1975. Little Jay calls the number on the piece of paper that his mother thought
she had discarded. Big Daddy G. beams with pride. Until he realizes that the number is from the
Priest..
June 1, 1975. The big day has arrived. Little Jay finally graduates from grade school. During the
ceremony, Little Jay wears woman's panties under his graduation gown. Little Jay is tricked one
last time into falling for the atomic sit-up. Little Jay also learns his class has voted him "Most
Likely to Still be a Virgin at 25".
June 1, 1975. Being the Little Jay that he truly is, Little Jay crosses out "25" on the sign and
inserts 45. This would prove prophetic much later on in life but only applicable towards relations
with actual women.
June 1, 1975. After the ceremony, the Principal of the school walks over the Little Jay and Big
Daddy G.. He politely explains to Big Daddy G. that they made a "little mistake". It seems that
Little Jay actually didn't graduate as he failed one class. Of course, that class was gym. The
Principal politely asks Little Jay to take off his gown and hand back his diploma. Big Daddy G.
cries and whispers over and over "my son is an idiot, my son is an idiot, my son is an idiot".
June 2, 1975. Little Jay calls an attorney and asks for her help to sue his father for slandering him
as an idiot. The lawyer laughs, calls him an idiot and hangs up the phone.
June 3, 1975. Little Jay's first attempt to run away from home. He packs up his dolls and heads
out on the road. He makes it to the curb and is picked up by a man named "Lover boy". Little Jay
gets into the truck with the man and his pig and heads south. Day 1 begins.
June 4, 1975. While Little Jay is riding with the mysterious "Lover Boy" and his pig, "Lover
Boy' reveals that the might be Little Jay's real father. Before he can get more details, the State
Police catch up to "Lover Boy" while they were staying at the Motel 6, arrest him, and return
Little Jay to Big Daddy G.. Little Jay asks the police if he could keep the pig.
June 5, 1975. Sick of the Little Jay clan, the Pittsburgh District Attorney drops all charges
against Lover Boy. Mysteriously, a dead pig shot in the head at close range was
unceremoniously dumped on the front doorstep of Big Daddy G.'s home. Neighbors swear that a
Pittsburgh PD cruiser was spotted circling the neighborhood. The family eats pork for an entire
week.
June 6. 1975. The phrase "the other white meat" is created by Big Daddy G. who was referring to
the delicious pork they have recently been enjoying. Little Jay, as always, misunderstands and
takes it a different way. Little Jay starts playing with boy dolls more. Big Daddy G. is worried.
June 7th, 1975. Little Jay becomes obsessed with "meat"-- that's all he will eat-- and all kinds
too. Favorites quickly include Italian sausages, foot longs, kielbasas, and brats. Big Daddy G.
becomes worried. Big Daddy G. serves Little Jay chicken "breasts" but this appears to be the
only "meat" Little Jay won't eat. Big Daddy G. worries more.
June 8th, 1975. Dinnertime 5:30 p.m. Big Daddy G. tired to get Little Jay to eat chicken breasts
again. Little Jay tells Big Daddy G. if he wants him to eat chicken, it must be drumsticks only. 6
p.m. Little Jay finishes off his 23rd Italian sausage.
June 8th, 1975. 6:05 pm. Upset that Big Daddy G. tried to feed Little Jay the "breasts", Little Jay
goes into the closet and chokes the chicken. Little Jay is caught by Big Daddy G.. Big Daddy G.
slaps Little Jay in the face with one of the kielbasas. Unfortunately, Little Jay likes it. Big Daddy
G. drinks.
June 8th, 1975. 9:00 pm. Big Daddy G. tucks Little Jay into bed.
9:05 pm. Big Daddy G. hears laughing and giggling from Little Jay's room. Big Daddy G.
ignores.
9:06 pm. Coughing and sounds of choking are heard coming from Little Jay's room. Big Daddy
G. storms in and witnesses Little Jay with a 12 inch kielbasa stuck down his throat. This marks
Little Jay and Big Daddy G.'s first, but many ER visits where Little Jay accidentally gets certain
objects stuck in his oral cavities. Big Daddy G. stays in the hospital for a few days after highly
medicated.
June 14, 1975 Little Jay sneaks out of the house after dinner and secretly meets up with the
mysterious "Lover Boy" after he is released from the county jail. "Lover Boy" is staying at a
rundown Motel 6 with a sheep. Little Jay wants to know why "Lover Boy" thinks he’s Little
Jay's real father. "Lover Boy" explains his name is J. Otis Fectaird, an unemployed gas station
attendant from rural West Virginia. And many years ago, he carried on a secret relationship with
his cousin and that's how Little Jay came to be. When she found out she was pregnant, she ran
off to Pittsburgh. When Little Jay asks Otis if Mrs. Little Jay is his real mother, Otis only
cryptically replies "Your mother is my cousin". Before Little Jay could ask any more questions,
the police show up and arrest Otis again. Little Jay asks the police if he could keep the sheep.
June 15 1975 - Big Daddy G. could have swore he heard the screaming of a lamb from his son's
bedroom. Then all was eerily quiet except for a brief delirious cackle of the young Little Jay
punctured by further terrible silence. Big Daddy G. decides to get drunk.
June 16, 1975. After a night of heavy drinking Big Daddy G. awakens and goes to the kitchen for
a glass of OJ. Little Jay is already in the kitchen cooking the family breakfast and wearing a new
"outfit" made entirely out of wool. Big Daddy G. asks Little Jay what he is cooking. Little Jay,
without turning around, whispers...."Eggs, toast, and......lamb chops"......
June 17th, 1975. To get his mind off all the strange things that have been happening at the house
Big Daddy G. takes Little Jay to the library. Little Jay gets book. Big Daddy G. starts taking
pills.
June 17th, 1975. 8:00 pm. Big Daddy G. tucks Little Jay into bed, reaches around him to give
him a good night hug and feels something under his pillow. It is a bottle of Durvet’s Omega 3
Plus for Lambs and Sheep. Big Daddy G. finds this smeared all over Little Jay's body. Little Jay
informs Big Daddy G. he read it in his book.
June 20th, 1975. Little Jay becomes.......
Big Daddy G. takes to just mainlining heroin after he discovers a picture of a sheep in drag in
Little Jay's room.
June 21 1975. Little Jay proudly boasts to his drug addled father that "he popped his grape" and
then proceeded to make loud "baa" noises. His father remained in a state of confusion until the
horror set in, after realizing his son really meant "cherry".
June 25, 1975 Little Jay is hauled into juvenile court for having sex with a goat. When he gets
home, Big Daddy G. asks him what the hell he did. Little Jay says, "I screwed the goat and then
had him lick me clean." Big Daddy G. replies, "A good goat will do that for you."
June 26 1975. Little Jay receives a letter of commendation for another animal "lover" (my furry
friends call me Paco) and keeps the note secretly tucked away in his "promise box" that is kept
hidden from Big Daddy G..
June 27, 1975. Little Jay finds a parade full of people who don't think he's that odd at all. It is his
first truly happy day.
Later that same day, Little Jay brings home a doll he picked up at the parade. Big Daddy G.
makes odd, choked, whimpering sounds between slugs of Drano.
June 28, 1975. Big Daddy G. finds the pink bunny with its manhood re-stitched and inserted
underneath its cutsey cotton tail on his son's bed. An open bottle of Vaseline lies nearby.
Much to Big Daddy G.'s dismay, the bunny appears to be weeping. He returns to the basement
and opens another bottle of Drano.
June 29 1975. Big Daddy G. throws out the bunny after discovering mould growing on top of a
crusty milk stain found under the tail. At least Big Daddy G. hoped that was milk.
July 1, 1975--Big Daddy G. is admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. When revived, the
doctors ask him why he drank so much. Big Daddy G. replied "Well I didn't intend to drink so
much so fast, but when I found that kilt and a pair of over sized rubber boots in my son's closet
this morning, I just couldn't take anymore"
July 2, 1975. Big Daddy G. opens a letter addressed to his son* from the United States Marine
Corps. It states that Little Jay is declared a Section 8 and unfit for military service. Big Daddy G.
contacts the nearest enlistment office for further inquiry and is officially told that the United
States Government is just "getting this little matter over with it in advance".
July 4, 1975. 12 noon. Little Jay shows up to the annual 4th of July Little Jay family picnic
dressed as Betsy Ross. Both Big Daddy G. AND Mrs. Little Jay are passed out drunk by 12:20
p.m.
1 p.m. Little Jay's cousins show him a new way to launch bottle rockets when they tell him to
drop his panties and bend over.
1:15 p.m. Little Jay’s parents come to long enough to see bottle rockets being shot out of Little
Jay's ass.
1:17 p.m. Little Jay's parents pass out again. This time for the rest of the day.
September 3, 1975. Little Jay's first day as a high school freshman. The principal welcomes him
by giving him a wedgie. Little Jay endears himself to his new classmates by predicting that the
Steelers will be lucky to win 3 games this season. His classmates respond by blindfolding him,
stripping him naked, sticking a banana up his ass, and shoving him into the girl's locker-room.
Little Jay experiences his first atomic sit up of the new school year.
Little Jay discovers a new toy during lunch.
September 4, 1975 - During a very boring math lecture, the class skank slips a note on Little
Jay's desk with an invitation to "smoke his pole" after school. Little Jay promptly rats out the
whore for planning to smoke on school property, places the vibrating banana on her desk as a
substitute and asks for the school nurse to send him home because he feels "nauseous".
That night, after a fevered session of "dress up", Little Jay celebrates Mitzi Gaynor’s Birthday by
singing EVERYTHING GOES while stripping in front of his mirror. Big Daddy G.,
unfortunately, walks in on this display and immediately starts chugging from a bottle of NEW
LIQUID TIDE.
September 5, 1975 - Due to a guilty conscience, Little Jay informs the class whore that it might
be a good idea for her to disinfect the banana prior to her usage. She immediately vomits and
runs out of math class.
Later, in English class, Little Jay discovers a new word; spranking To Anally insert a vegetable
Usage: You might end up spranking a nice brummie girl with a leek! That night Little Jay begs
Big Daddy G. to move to England where such words give hope to young boys. Big Daddy G.
vomits on himself and then pops open another bottle of NEW LIQUID TIDE.
Still in English class..... Little Jay's homework assignment was to write a paragraph about a local
sports team.... Young Little Jay is thrilled.... he writes two sentences about the Steelers and
another 500 words about the class whore.... his career* begins
September 6, 1975. Little Jay discovers men in tights and the first use of the bunker concept. It is
a big day at the Little Jay household.
September 12, 1975, Big Daddy G. hears strange noises in Little Jay's bedroom. He opens the
door to find Little Jay jerking off to Batman reruns and mumbling "Holy Vaseline Batman, park
that Batmobile in my Batcave!"" over and over again. Big Daddy G. goes looking for the rubbing
alcohol and starts chugging.
September 13, 1975. Little Jay instructs Big Daddy G. to start calling him Robin.
Sept 14, 1975 Big Daddy G. finds Young Little Jay's sketch book. Bleach is consumed
immediately after etchings.
Later, hidden in a Barbara Streistand album, this falls out.
Sept 15, 1975- 6:00 am. Big Daddy G. enters young Little Jay's room to wake him. Young Little
Jay is tied to the bed lying naked with only his Robin mask on. A pig is sleeping on the floor in
the far corner.......
September 16, 1975 - After celebrating 20 minutes of sobriety, Big Daddy G. succumbs to
pressure from Little Jay's school and agrees to transfer him to a military school. Unfortunately,
US Military Schools require that the child read and write at grade level or better and be athletic
enough to participate in basic drills. Little Jay falls far short on both counts. After continued
searching Big Daddy G. finds a school in Calcutta that is cheaper than the US schools and has far
less restrictive requirements. At first Little Jay screams and stamps his pedicured feet on the
bright orange shag carpet in his bedroom. However, after finally reviewing the pamphlet Big
Daddy G. gave him, he notes that the boys sleep four to a bed to save money and the only sport
he must master is competitive badminton. A very disturbing smile crosses Little Jay's visage and
he agrees to go. Later that night, after sending the Crisco pig and other items on ahead, Little Jay
embarks on a life changing journey. Much to the dismay of fans of sports literature.
September 17, 1975 - N. Korea surveillance intercepts Little Jay's passport and travel plans to a
military institution in Calcutta. This created tremendous tension within the international
community concerning why an American was traveling aboard for military education. However,
further Korean intelligence revealed Little Jay's report cards, Pittsburgh Police Department
records and a gym fitness report accompanied by some rather unflattering photographs. This was
a big hit at Kim II Sung's birthday party when presented with the "American comedy" present
from central intelligence. Just for the fun, the dictator regime decided to monitor Little Jay's
budding scholastic career.
As Kim Il Sung and his cabinet continue to laugh at the image of the Pittsburgh Steelers running
Little Jay up a flag pole, the people in the street (blissfully unaware of the pornography inside
the palace) sing THE SONG OF GENERAL KIM IL SUNG (translated below);
1.
On Jangbaek Mountains, there are bloodstains. By Amnok River, there are bloodstains. Those
holy stains throw light over the bouquet of free Korea today.
2.
The snowstorm on Manju plain, tell a story! The long night in the deep forest, tell a story! Who
is the immortal partizan? Who is the peerless patriot?
3.
He is the benefactor who released the laborers. He is the great Sun for new democratic Korea.
All people gather to the 20 clause political program. New spring comes everywhere in North
Korea. Refrain Oh- what a sweet name, General Kim Il-sung! Oh- what a glorious name, General
Kim Il-sung!
Meanwhile, pleased that those nasty men in their tacky uniforms - red stars on green
background? PUHLEEZ - have let him go, hears a song called "The Cunnilingus Champion of
Company C" from the Broadway Musical - LET MY PEOPLE COME that will be his theme
song for years to come. It is also the first time that Little Jay learns that copyright infringement is
an easy way to make money. Again, much to the dismay of fans of sports’ literature.
September 18, 1975. CIA intelligence discovers that a KGB operative purchased what would
later be internationally known as "The Little Jay Papers" from N. Korea for an undisclosed
amount. Satellite spy transmissions recorded uproarious laughter for the next few days in the
Kremlin.
September 19, 1975, while the whole world celebrates the 14th Birthday of the boy who would
become Dances With Porno, Little Jay enters the Calcutta Military School and Badminton
Academy for the very first time. The Crisco Pig has already unpacked his little things and
prepared a hot bath for him. The other boys, at first envious, become fascinated as they watch
The Crisco Pig anoint the tiny feet of the new boy with oils and then drying him with warmed
towels. Then, Little Jay makes several new friends by offering the services of The Crisco Pig to
any boy who wants to use him. Several hours later, the Commandant does a bed check and is
horrified by the sight in Little Jay's bed. But, since Little Jay is the only cadet whose family paid
tuition in advance, he simply turns his head and walks away. Later, a Leftenent finds the
Commandant with a half full bottle of moonshine, listening to a collection of Hindu prayers set
to show tunes.
September 20, 1975. Little Jay discovers that his dorm room wall is adjacent to the boys shower.
A small peep hole through the wall is located. Early sentiments of home sickness immediately
dissolve.
Later the same day, as Little Jay wanders around campus he hears some of the boys talking about
a "Circle Jerk" being held in an upper-classman's room. Little Jay asks what that is and is
immediately invited to find out. He asks if he can bring The Crisco Pig and several of the boys
giggle and then say yes. This evening will help define the "writing style" of Little Jay.
September 20th-- 9:00 pm. Young Little Jay eagerly sits down in the circle with the other boys
and The Crisco Pig. Not knowing what's going to happen, Young Little Jay pee's his pants in
anticipation. A vote occurs to see if Little Jay is worthy......
Two of the boys are excited when they notice ..... oh hell, not even I am that disgusting. Never
mind. I'll try again later.
9:30 pm. Young Little Jay returns to his room and puts away his twizzers, magnifying glass, and
lotion. He is very upset. The Crisco Pig tries to comfort him but Young Little Jay pushes him
away..... Young Little Jay repeats over and over "Where are my balls? Where are my balls?
Where are my balls?". The Crisco Pig snickers...... Look I didn't start this part... I'm doing the
best I can... gives me the freakin whilly's just writing this....
September 21, 1975 - As morning breaks in the dorm room, the other bed mates of Little Jay's
console him. They tell him how much fun The Crisco Pig is and how much fun the peep hole is.
One little boy (in a touching moment soon to be an international film from MGM) reminds Little
Jay that not all boys are created equal. He then tells him a long story about a young boy named
Punjab. But the story is in Hindi and Little Jay is tired and he finally falls asleep in the young
boy's lap. Later, in a moment of solidarity rarely seen at the academy, the upperclassmen run
Little Jay up a flagpole, but with a leather harness. Little Jay awakens with a grand view of the
compound and no pain. Oddly enough, he is happier than he has ever been before. This moment
of bondage and presumed height will embolden Little Jay in his literary works for years to come.
His "Calcutta: City of Sleek Boulder Holders" will become a theme he will visit again and again
in many forms.
September 22, 1975. First day of Badminton tryouts. Young Little Jay brings The Crisco Pig for
moral support [img]http://pautov.viplast.ru/images/gallery/675_m.jpg[/img]
September 22, 1975 - The next day, Little Jay learns the name of the young boy that he fell
asleep on top of - Craig Biggio.
September 23, 1975. Little Jay's new found friend - Craig Biggio - suggests the 2 "get together"
for a "sleep over". Biggio brings 5 jars of contraband Vaseline and a primitive blow up doll
crudely resembling Terry Bradshaw that was somehow smuggled across the border. A defining
moment in Little Jay's young life is established later that evening. The Kremlin once again erupts
with laughter of the plight of those "stupid American Little Jay.s".
September 24, 1975. The school RN is mystified over the open sores on Little Jay's mouth and
Biggio's... uh you know where. The entire school is immediately quarantined and Red Cross is
immediately served notice. Big Daddy G. is distraught over being forced to sign the parental
medical consent to treatment form.
Crisco Pig hands Young Little Jay a pamphlet....
[img]http://www.healthyoptionebooks.com/coldsoresnomore/coldsorecover.JPG[/img]
September 25, 1975. Immediately after basket weaving class, Little Jay and His newfound friend
Craig Biggio ponder over the true meaning and purpose of a "shuttlecock" after sneaking into the
school gymnasium. After both boys suffer near catastrophic rectal hemorrhaging from the
misunderstood sports device, the school promptly decides to cancel badminton season.
September 26, 1975. Uber-feminist Gloria Steinem writes to the Calcutta Military School
demanding that badminton season not be cancelled simply because 2 students were found nearly
bled to death from a misplaced shuttlecock. She also forwards a copy of her latest - If Men Could
Menstruate and berates the commandant for his cruelty towards "failing to understand a natural
biological function". To avoid further hassles, the school board of trustees decides not to inform
Ms. Steinem that it is in fact an all boys school. And after much distraught animated discussion,
badminton season was declared "game on".
Sept 27, 1975. Day 1 of try-outs. The Crisco Pig decides that he will be Young Little Jay's
personal towel boy and goes to practice. He hands Young Little Jay his personalized badminton
try-out jersey--- of course his number is 69 and it's is personalized with "Master of the 'cocks".
The Badminton Coach starts to drink.
Much to the horror of Mr. Llandhaven (the Badminton coach), the Crisco Pig's sister shows up to
start a cheer squad. [img]http://www.new-akiba.com/archives/images/Cheerleader.jpg[/img]
Evening - September 27, 1975 - Mr. Llandhaven and the Commandant are sitting in a dive bar
drinking themselves into oblivion. Suddenly the Commandant has an idea that only alcohol can
bring. "This American," he slurs, "is going to be the death of us. He is weak. He is stupid and he
makes funny noises in the bathroom. But his father paid his tuition in advance. So, why don't we
let this little bastard do something useful and keep him out of our hair? Let's make him a
sportswriter for the school newspaper!" And, with that drunken idea, a new form of terror was
unleashed on the world.
The CMS & BA TATTLER
September 30, 1975
DATELINE: Calcutta Military School and Badminton Academy
The Bejing Bashers versus the CMS & BA Kittens Story by: Little Jay
I can safely say that there is a “chink” in the Red Chinese armor. These brutes came to our
beloved academy to compete against the mighty Kittens for the right to participate in the Asian
Games later this month. These horrible boys, and they are ugly too, beat our lovely Kittens again
and again. No matter the event or the age level, these communist trolls showed no mercy to the
Kittens. Obviously, there was cheating going on at every level. My wonderful roommate, Punjab,
was purposely humiliated by the thugs from drab-land. His colorful rainbow laden outfit was
constantly ridiculed by these green clad, red star wearing, barbarians. Really, green and red? Is it
Christmas every day in that horrible country? Have they no color coordinators? Worse yet was
listening to their inane chatter. Unlike the beautifully melodic Hindi spoken by my civilized
classmates, their clipped stuttering and animated yammering reminded me of that horrid and fat
Bachman Turner Overdrive group from Canada. B b b b b baby, you ain’t ..., PUHLEEZ, spit the
darn word out already. Not at all like the lovely Barbara Streisand with her lovely voice and
songs. Punjab will play The Way We Were to me every night on his little Victrola and I never
tire of it. Suffice it to say that seeing the backs of these tacky beasts couldn’t have happened a
moment too soon. The Kittens, however, put forth a fine effort and I am sure that they will be
champions soon. They do, after all, have much more wonderful uniforms than any other team in
the league.
BigBadBill
Being hated by Little Jay makes the day go by easier. But I am still bummed no one
figured out what was missing from Little Jay's first column*.
TomD
What's missing...hmm...Was it that the Chinese coach called him a fag?
BigBadBill
Nope. Try again.
SouthSideSlim
The Pekin High School pun?
BigBadBill
Not even close.
Tyrone Briggs
Punjab the room mate? Would've figured that Craig Biggio moved into Little Jay's room
by now...
BigBadBill
I have every intention of involving Mr. Biggio soon. But, that's not it either.
BigBadBill
C'mon people, I thought you were all smarter than Little Jay. What is missing from the
article?
Illini Ed
A point?
BigBadBill
I am going to be terribly offended as soon as I stop laughing. In the meantime, you are on
the right track but not quite there.
Tyrone Briggs
He wasn't there. And he didn't play.
Hino
The lineup was Ozzie's fault and Kenny should have made a trade before the deadline.
BigBadBill
Okay, okay. I did the same thing with Little Jay's column* that Little Jay does with his
own on a regular basis. Read his Augusta columns* or his baseball ones. He almost
never actually mentions what sport he was supposed to be watching. If you don't know
the names he is dropping you would have no clue what the actual event was. You will get
lots of pop culture references, meaningless background info and so on (all of which I
tried to instill), but nothing on the damn sport. If you re-read it you will note that there is
no mention of what sport the Kittens were thrashed at. Jiminy Crickets guys and gals, I
thought that was an easy one. If that got past all of you, then I am going to have to
rethink how I write "Little Jay's" columns* in the future.
October 1, 1975. The Beijing Bashers read Young Little Jay's first sports column*. The Captain
of the team Jung Yuan Ren counters back calling young Little Jay a "Nappy Headed Homo" who
knows nothing about the sport. Much hugging and "comforting" from The Crisco Pig occurs
immediately after.
October 2, 1975. Little Jay demands an apology from Red China for the "insensitive remark" and
calls for Chairman Mao Zedong to be fired. This causes great alarm after listening in on the
wiretaps from the Soviets and Koreans. Gerald Ford demands Big Daddy G. to remedy the
situation that his son has stirred within the international community. Ford was a little more than
irritated to have a young American Little Jay stir up yet another embarrassment to the United
States. A joint FBI-CIA investigation and surveillance of Little Jay 24/7 is ordered by the
President.
October 3, 1975. Embarrassed that he was called a "Nappy Headed Homo" 2 days earlier by
Yuan Ren, Young Little Jay walks over to The Crisco Pig and calls him a "Fag" for no apparent
reason. The Crisco Pig beats the living shit out of young Little Jay screaming "don't you even
call me that again you little Little Jay!". The first bad encounter of the word "fag" occurs on this
day. Young Little Jay's life is changed forever. The FBI catches the beating of Young Little Jay
on the surveillance cameras and brings The Crisco Pig into jail. Young Little Jay has to repeat
over and over again the tragic event to multiple FBI and CIA people. All day long he tells them
his story and the power of the word "fag".
October 4, 1975. Chairman Zedong assassinates 5 of his top intelligence officers for failing to
explain the meaning behind the English slang term "fag". The Kremlin apparently is already
familiar with the word.
October 6, 195 - Finally returned to the Calcutta Military School and Badminton Academy, Little
Jay endures humiliation after humiliation from the other cadets. However, things turn ugly when
the cadets realize that Little Jay is aroused by the punishment. The Crisco Pig quickly grabs
Little Jay and whisks him back to his dorm room and locks the door. After listening at the door
to strange squealing sounds and some noise that resembles sloshing grease, the other cadets
decide to move their dorm rooms into the gym or the livery stable or ANYWHERE but near him.
However, as a result of all of the public outcry, the Calcutta Military School and Badminton
Academy's paper sold 15,000 copies. Thinking it had to do with the high-caliber of Little Jay's
writing, they offer him a full time job as a sportswriter. This error in judgment will have tragic
consequences for years to come.
October 7, 1975. Little Jay receives a note passed to him during Biology class. He reads then
note, shrieks hysterically and bolts the classroom. It appears that Craig Biggio "broke up" with
Little Jay. The end of first romances are very difficult to overcome indeed. Great comfort and
solace is discovered in the loving embrace of a vinyl blow up doll later that evening. A new love
develops for Little Jay.
October 8, 1975. Big Daddy G. takes Young Little Jay to a cowboy ranch to "manly him up".
Big Daddy G. shows Young Little Jay how to work on a farm, about tractors, even how to ride a
horse. Big Daddy G. is thrilled that Young Little Jay is showing interest in these types of
activities and is "becoming a man"; however, things slowly turn against Big Daddy G. as Young
Little Jay refuses to leave. Young Little Jay sits and stares at one animal fascinated and
astounded with MOUTH WIDE OPEN-- Young Little Jay sees for the first time-- THE
BULL!!!!
Later that night, after Big Daddy G. has left the agriculture wing of the Calcutta Military School
and Badminton Academy, Little Jay tells the Crisco Pig what he saw. They sneak out of the
Academy and head back to the field where they find a Brahma Bull. The surprised, but suddenly
pleased, bull allows Little Jay and Crisco Pig to play their little games. After about an hour, the
two gooey cadets head back to the academy. The next morning Little Jay notices that his hair
looks FAN-TAS-TIC! The Crisco Pig can't stop touching it. After several hours of giggling and a
game of "Salon", the two cadets devise a plan to make themselves wealthy beyond their wildest
dreams. 3 days later "Little Jay's Manly Hair Tonic" begins to be sold on campus. The only
ingredient listed is "special milk of ungulate". After initial skepticism, the boys begin to buy
bottle after bottle. Soon, well coiffed athletes in rainbow colored costumes are the hit of the
nearby towns. It won't be until junior year, when the boys learn the scientific names for animals,
that this plan will finally go horribly wrong. But for now, Little Jay is once again allowed to
frolic with the other boys.
November 1, 1975-- Little Jay finally gets his justice for NappyHeadedHomoGate when the
International Amateur Badminton Association bans the Chinese Badminton team from
competition for one year. To celebrate and to taunt the Chinese, Little Jay and his newly coiffed
friends have dinner at Calcutta's newest restaurant, Uncle Mao's Chinese Kitchen. Meanwhile,
the Chinese plot their revenge.
November 3, 1975--The Crisco Pig mysteriously disappears. Little Jay is distraught.
November 4, 1975-- Menus from Uncle Mao's begin to appear on campus advertising a new
dish. Listed just below "General Tso's Chicken" is "Uncle Mao's Pork" described as "Succulent
pork tenderloin, stir fried in Crisco, served over a bed of rice and Chinese vegetables". Little Jay
takes this as a warning and immediately locks himself in the dorm's basement. This is a
harbinger of things to come as from this moment on, Little Jay rarely leaves his new 'bunker" to
actually attend sporting events he's reporting on.
November 5, 1975. Little Jay writes* letters to the CIA, FBI, White House and the Chicago SunTimes begging for help to unravel the mystery behind the disappearance of the Crisco Pig. All
requests were appropriately ignored with great humor.
November 6, 1975. Little Jay discovers a crudely written letter left on his pillow in the dorm.
The message reads: If you want to see the Crisco Pig alive, meet me at the badminton court
tonight at midnight - Signed CRAIG BIGGIO
November 7, 1975. Upset that The Crisco Pig has gone missing and the note found under his
door, Young Little Jay goes to the zoo to clear his thoughts. He sees the Bear exhibit and
ventures over. Fascinated by the Bears (for the same reason as the Bulls), Young Little Jay tries
to get as close as possible to them. Unfortunately, Young Little Jay falls over the rail and breaks
his leg. The Bear ventures over and has his way with Young Little Jay while a cub watches. A
zoo keeper sees the ordeal but doesn't help as he thinks it's hilarious that an American boy is
being gang banged by a group of bears. Hours go by while Bear after Bear has it's way with him
all while being watched by the cub bears and hundreds of people. Thus, Young Little Jay's hatred
of the Bears and the Cubs begin.
November 7, 1975. Young Little Jay crawls out of the bear and cub exhibit after each and every
bears is exhausted and well satisfied. He takes off his white sock and wraps it around his broken
leg. The white sock quickly becomes saturated with blood. Young Little Jay takes off his other
white sock and wraps it around too. It also doesn't help stop the bleeding. Eventually, the zoo
keeper does come over and tells Young Little Jay-- "No, no young American boy-- white socks
no good to stop bleeding-- you need this-- it's what our people have used for many, many years"
and wraps black hawk feathers around his leg.
November 7, 1975. Young Little Jay finally makes it to the hospital. He explains his story
numerous times to the doctors about the bears, the cubs, the white sock, and the black hawks
feathers. The doctors examine the leg and fear the worst-- laminitis-- reason-- the feathers were
diseased.
Okay, I was going to add to this, but I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to work the
definition below into anything sensible. Laminitis - .... it is a failure of the attachment of
the pedal bone and the inner hoof wall. The pedal bone is attached to the hoof wall by
two interlocking layers of laminae (strong connecting tissues) and when these tissues
for whatever reason get inflamed or the blood supply is disturbed the attachment
between the laminae fail.
November 8, 1975. Big Daddy G. arrives. The infection has spread up Young Little Jay's leg and
the doctors discuss amputation. The doctor's explain to Big Daddy G. that Young Little Jay will
never be able to play badminton again. Big Daddy G. laughs and says "no problemo, hack
away!" The doctor's also inform Big Daddy G. that Young Little Jay will not being able to
"mount" properly and will never be able to conceive a child. Big Daddy G. falls to his knees,
looks up to the sky, and whispers...."thank-you." Young Little Jay is prepped for surgery.
November 9, 1975 - After successfully amputating the leg above the knee AND ensuring that
Little Jay will never procreate, the doctors fit him with a wooden peg leg. As he learns to hobble
around the hospital he meets a young boy named Achmed who teaches him to play pirate. The
two new playmates head to a quiet section of the hospital where Little Jay learns how to make
"Yo Ho Ho" sound like a good thing. Later, Little Jay tells Big Daddy G. about ALL the fun
things he can do with his new peg leg. Big Daddy G. vomits for an hour and begins drinking
hospital waste.
November 10, 1975 - Craig Biggio visits Little Jay at the hospital. He whispers in Little Jay's
ear, "Everything will be alright."
November 10, 1975. Young Little Jay leaves the hospital with his new wooden peg leg. He
seems extremely angry and hostile and tells Big Daddy G. that his only wish is to go and
continue his new hair care line. Big Daddy G. obeys his wish and takes him to where the bulls
run free. Young Little Jay excitingly prepares to extract the special ingredient for his product and
tries to run after the bull. He is unsuccessful--- his peg leg slows him down too much. Young
Little Jay tries again but this time his peg leg falls off and the bull runs away. The following
leaves Young Little Jay's mouth "Fuck that Bear. Fuck that cub. Fuck that black hawk. Fuck that
bull. Fuck that bear. Fuck that cub. Fuck that black hawk. Fuck that bull" over and over again.
November 10, 1975 Little Jay realizes he can only wear one sock at a time. He feels this is
dorky even for him. He curses his white socks for not stopping the bleeding when it mattered
most.
November 11, 1975. The nightmares begin. It all starts the same way. Young Little Jay in the
bear exhibit, leg broken...bleeding. A cub is starring at him laughing and saying "you're going to
get it-- man, my dad is going to destroy you"-- a black hawk up in the tree looks down at young
Little Jay and screeches "fag Little Jay, fag Little Jay, fag Little Jay fag Little Jay". He tries to
get up but his leg is busted in half. The cubs laugh and mock him. Then the big BLACK bear
comes out......minutes seems like hours. The cubs continue to laugh, the hawk continues to look
down and mock him. After the BLACK bear is done Young Little Jay looks down but his socks
are GONE!!! Young Little Jay frantically searches for his white socks but they are no where to
be found. The sweating begins. Hysterically, Young Little Jay tries to get up but his leg is too
badly injured. "Are you looking for these" laughs a cub with the white socks tangling from his
head. "Fag Little Jay fag Little Jay fag Little Jay fag Little Jay". A Bull appears out of nowhere.
"Catch me if you can... you'll never get your secret ingredient again. You're ruined". Again the
cub begins to laugh but this time he has really shinny hair on his head. "Fag Little Jay fag Little
Jay fag Little Jay"............
November 12-15. 5 days, 5 straight sleepless nights-- Young Little Jay continues to have the
same recurring dream-- always includes the cub, the bear, the black hawk, the white sock and the
bull. Occasionally a wolf comes into play where he makes a fire but very rarely. Young Little
Jay's breakdown begins. He spends his sleepless nights researching for the whereabouts of The
Crisco Pig.
November 16, 1975. The nightmares change drastically. Little Jay now dreams of a rather white
looking Indian Chief with a raspy, scratchy voice, violently scalping the head of Craig Biggio.
Little Jay awakes and screams in terror.
November 17. Little Jay gets his first decent night's sleep since the incident. For some reason his
mind was quieted by dreaming of the Crisco Pig riding down from the mountains, across a blue
field, on a Bronco while holding a potato. Could his fortunes be changing?
November 18, 1975. Little Jay wakes up feeling fresh and lively. However, Little Jay remains
mystified over the presence and taste of Crisco lard mashed on the inside of his pajama bottoms
and the comforting presence of Craig Biggio lying beside him*.
November 18, 1975 - Little Jay wakes up in the early afternoon, feels the warm grease leaking
through his jammies and smiles a very contented smile. But, when he rolls over to pet his
beloved Biggio, he only finds a note. He cries as he reads it. Dearest Tinky. In my brief time with
you I have experienced things I never thought I would be able to pronounce. And yet, this is not
where my future is. While cricket and badminton may rock in India, my heart lies with baseball. I
feel it would be unfair to us - and yes, I do think there could have been an 'us' - to continue
having me live a lie. My father sent me a ticket and I left at the crack of noon. I did not want to
wake you since you looked so innocent as you slept and I wanted to remember you that way. I
gave Crisco an extra jar of the 'ointment' you love soooo much. I will miss your giggle always.
XOXOXOXO B-I-G-G-YO! And thus begins Little Jay's hatred of all things in pro sports.
Suppressed memories of his days in Pittsburgh and the treatment he got from the Steelers on the
flagpole only reinforce these feelings. He vows to only show love for amateur athletes for the
rest of his life. He also has a wet dream about potatoes that will prove telling in the future.
November 19, 1975. Little Jay notices several cold sores developing on his upper lip. Other sores
develop uhh elsewhere.
Evening, November 19, 1975 - with a swollen mouth and itchy private parts, Little Jay breaks
down and heads over to the infirmary. The male nurse, while a highly trained professional, is
disgusted at Little Jay. After donning a gas mask and rubber gloves (two items that will play
prominently in Little Jay's adulthood), he begins to smear salve all over the infected areas. In the
background he is listening to The Marriage of Figaro. Little Jay is enthralled by the music and
ask what it is. The nurse tells him. Little Jay tries to pronounce the word, but his swollen lips and
tongue betray him. The closest he comes is "Lissss-a-gor". The nurse spanks him for being
stupid and naughty. Little Jay will forever associate "Lissss-a-gor" with success and happiness.
November 20, 1975. Big Daddy G. is served noticed by an attorney claiming to represent Craig
Biggio. A $35 million dollar lawsuit was filed against Little Jay for "reckless endangerment of a
minor". When Big Daddy G. protests, the attorney raises the ante to $50 million. A dramatic civil
"trial of the century" is about to unfold. Big Daddy G. rushes to the yellow pages to look for
representation. The name "Richard B@nner" catches his frantic eye.
November 21, 1975. Big Daddy G. receives a second disturbing letter in less than 24 hours. It
appears the Calcutta Military School for Boys is on the verge of expelling Little Jay in light of
Biggio's STD allegations. More boys at the school are now experiencing "symptoms" and the
Crisco Pig is nowhere to be seen. Sensing urgency, Big Daddy G. narrows down the candidates
to represent his "son"* - Robert Shapiro, Johnnie Cochran, F. Lee Bailey, Alan Dershowitz or
R@bert B@nner. In the meantime to keep his wayward bicurious offspring occupied, Big Daddy
G. encourages Little Jay to begin a diary to record the upcoming trial events.
November 21, 1975 - Dear Diary: Daddy called today. He always sounds so stern. He's such a
meanie. He wants me to say that my fun with B-I-G-G-YO didn't happen. He wants me to hide
Crisco Pig. He wants me to stop selling my hair tonic. He wants all these ugly, horrible, things.
MEANIE! MEANIE MEANIE MEANIE!!!!!!!!!! If he was here right now I would stomp my feet
right at him. THAT'S HOW MAD I AM! He wants me to talk to a lawyer. He wants me to lie
about the beauty I have discovered here. He wants me to hide the joyous truths I have
discovered. Here at the Calcutta Military School and Badminton Academy, I have found
happiness and now he wants to take that away. MEANIE!!!!!!!!!! Just because a few of my
friends have little owies he thinks only bad things. And that mean old Commandant is not
helping. He says stupid stuff. STUPIID STUPID STUPID!!!!!! He's not like that lovely Liza
Minelli. Why can't more people be like her? She's divine. Or Judy Garland? I would like to go
over the rainbow right about now. Well, dear diary, I have to sign off now. Crisco Pig found
some Chinese delicacy called BEN WA and he says I need to try it RIGHT NOW. He sounded
stern too, but he makes me giggle when he's stern. I like to giggle. Love to me. JM
TomD
Um, I thought the Crisco Pig will still MIA?
BigBadBill
FUCK! ...and I was doing so well too. Okay, he snuck back when no one was looking.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled thread.
November 22, 1975. The lawyer dream team meets with their client and Big Daddy G..
However, legal eagle R@bert B@nner sleeps in and misses the appointment much to the angst of
Big Daddy G.. Robert Shapiro informs the team that a Calcutta Police Detective apparently
recovered a "glove" at the crime scene. Big Daddy G. is clearly perplexed by the meaning of all
of this. Dershowitz whispers in Big Daddy G.'s ear that "glove" was just a polite term for
"condom" as to not offend the young Little Jay. It was further revealed that "plenty" of DNA
evidence existed. Cochran thinks it over and announces that he has a plan of attack against the
detective at the scene of the crime.
November 23, 1975. Much to the chagrin of the rest of the legal dream team, R@bert B@nner
stupidly leaks photographs of the crime scene to the Calcutta-Times which quickly circulate
around the globe through the AP wire. The site of a young boy's dormitory room completely
destroyed and smeared in YOU KNOW WHAT (i.e., - NOT blood) along with a mutilated Wilt
Chamberlain blow up doll (with the afro headband clad head hanging dangerously off the still
rotating ceiling fan) caused absolute horror among even the most pacifist of worldly celebrities.
John Lennon, the Dalai Lama and Pope all condemned the crime and publicly argued for a swift
and decisive verdict of guilt for extreme lewd behavior. An immediate support foundation
created by the Chicago Tribune in the name of Craig Biggio is established to allow the surviving
young man pursue his passion for playing baseball instead of self-degrading acts of depravation.
Upon close inspection of the photographs, Cochran announces that the most incriminating
evidence - the single extra-small sized "glove" at the center of the crime scene would be the
lynchpin of the defense. The dream team determines that the best defense for their client is an
over-the-top offense. In order to pay the ever escalating legal fees, Shapiro encourages Little Jay
to continue writing* about his* escapades*. A secret deal with a prominent television network is
hatched for a "movie of the week" series.
November 24, 1975. Forensic lab tests confirm a positive genetic match of the "samples" sprayed
all over the dorm room (including the ceiling) to young Little Jay. Cochran continues to push the
"evil twin" defense although the others are not so enthusiastic. Bailey inquires about the validity
of DNA testing and then later admits to no knowledge of what DNA actually was. For reasons
unknown to the rest of the team, legal eagle extraordinaire B@bby B@nner offers his own
sample for testing.
November 25, 1975 Dear Diary: This has been a very weird couple of days. First, these lawyer
people came and took pictures of my room. When I saw the cameras I thought we were going to
play dress up. But when that Mr. Cock Ran saw what I was doing he screamed
NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! and made me leave the room. He's a MEANIE! Then he talked to daddy for
a while and then daddy cried. Only a MEANIE could make daddy cry. Then daddy said I couldn't
play with B-I-G-G-YO or Punjab or Pig or any of my friends any more. He's a MEANIE! too.
THEY'RE ALL MEANIES! JUST MEAN! Anyway, I guess I forgot to tell you how Pig came back.
It seems there was some sort of thingie with people in the streets. Something called Extreme
Centrists calling for COMMON SENSE to be the norm or something. I don't know. I don't care.
It's all stupid anyway. Then there was something about soldiers, right wings and left wings and
stuff. I got bored and fell asleep on Pig's lap. I'm glad he's back though. I missed him more than
ever now that B-I-G-G-YO, B-I-G-G-YO, B-I-G-G-YO AND CRAIGY WAS HIS NAME-O went
away. Stupid baseball. Stupid sports. who likes sports anyway? Losers! MEANIES! That's who!
All those stupid uniforms and spitting and scratching and stuff. Nasty nasty things. Why can't
sports be like an Elton John song? Elton is lovely. He wears nice things. I like nice things. Then
that horrible Mr. Cock Ran said I couldn't talk to any one. And I said what about my friends and
he said no. He's a MEANIE! I will talk to who ever I want! I will! I WILL! No one can tell me
what to do . I am a writer for the Calcutta Military School and Badminton Academy Bugler. A
bugle is a horn that you blow. I looked it up. Research is hard. One of the lawyers stayed after
the others went. His name is Mr. B@nner. He sat with me all alone and talked nice and slow.
None of those big words the other people used. He treated me like a real person. He asked me
what I learned here. I told him I did the best twizzler in my class. Before he could say anything I
showed him on his finger. I can make my tongue go around and around the whole thing bottom
to top without drawing a breath. He was very impressed. He said there is a new candy in
America called Twizzlers. I like candy. So Mr. B@nner gave me some. See? He's nice. Not a
MEANIE like Mr. Cock Ran and the others. The Mr. B@nner asked me if I knew how to play
PUPPET. I said I didn't. He said to turn around and close my eyes. So I did. And then I heard
him open my special jar that B-I-G-G-YO left for me. The next thing I knew --- OH MY GOD MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM DAMN!!! - OH MY!!!! - WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! that felt good. With every movement he made my mouth open and close just like Howdy Doody.
He said it was a special game he only played with special boys. See? I am special! I like
PUPPET! Well, I guess Pig came in and covered us up with a binky and then slid in behind Mr.
B@nner cause that's how we woke up. I have to go now Diary. I have to go to class. History or
something. It doesn't matter. It's all stupid anyway. Love to me! JM
And now back to Little Jay's biography... November 25, 1975. To appease their American
students, Calcutta Military School for Boys announces that Thanksgiving will be celebrated this
year. A turkey nicknamed Tom was paraded at the school assembly. Cochran assigns legal eagle
B@bby B@nner the task to "keep an eye of that Little Jay" to prevent more unwanted negative
publicity. A few hours later, Shapiro is informed by the School Dean that Little Jay, B@nner and
the damn turkey are nowhere to be located on the school campus.
November 26, 1975. The Calcutta Police Department releases an all points bulletin regarding
Thomas the Turkey's mysterious disappearance. Despite Big Daddy G.'s pleas, the police refuse
to issue any missing persons report for the little Little Jay. Nobody bothers to show concern over
the unknown whereabouts of B@bby B@nner.
November 27, 1975 - Ross McWhirter, co-founder of the Guinness Book of Records, is shot
dead by the Provisional Irish Republican Army for offering reward money to informers.
However, of more immediate concern to the Calcutta Police Dept. is a report of a turkey
wandering down town, covered in grease and crying. When Police try to apprehend the turkey, it
leads them on a 3 mph chase through the city which ends up captivating the world as it is the first
such event shown on live TV. The turkey, in a moment of panic, is seen mounting the back of a
white horse, commonly called a Bronco, and pointing what appears to be a weapon to its head.
The turkey, when finally captured, was found to be holding a sawed off baster and was
mumbling to itself. Police refused to release the content of the turkey's ramblings, but an APB
was released shortly thereafter naming R@bert B@nner as a "Person of Interest".
November 28th, 1975. Craig Biggio captures the turkey, kills it, and commits suicide. The end of
Craig Biggio.
November 29, 1975 - The Calcutta Police Department Crime Lab reports that based upon closer
examination of the dental records, the deceased was clearly NOT Craig Biggio but instead the
Crisco Pig. These findings are now considered accurate and irrefutable according to the Police
Department. This greatly angers the Biggio clan and a civil lawsuit is launched against Little Jay
on top of the impending criminal trial. The family releases pictures and video of a very happy
Craig Biggio learning to play catch and throw, laying down bunts and getting hit by pitches.
These recent events of mistaken identity and shoddy police work launch an idea for Cochran's
new defense strategy.
November 30, 1975. The funeral of The Crisco Pig. Young Little Jay sings Dust in the Wind
with his head hung low to end the service. All is quiet and peaceful as it slowly begins to rain.
Upon completion of the song, Young Little Jay wipes the tears from his eyes and slowly looks
up. A ghost of The Crisco Pig is standing in front of him, only 10 feet away. Young Little Jay
can't believe his eyes and runs to hug his long lost friend. Upon further explanation, unknown to
Young Little Jay, The Crisco Pig had an identical twin brother-- Lardy Pig.
December 1, 1975. Upon learning of The Crisco Pig's long lost identical twin brother Lardy Pig,
Young Little Jay is torn between extreme amounts of sorrow and extreme amounts of happiness.
Chest pains begin.
December 2, 1975. After a night of severe chest pain and heart palpitations Young Little Jay
goes to the doctor. An EKG is performed along with chest x-rays, CT scan, and blood work. The
final results are given: Young Little Jay is suffering from a prolapsed mitral valve in his heart-reason-- extreme emotional distress combined with extreme emotional happiness. Young Little
Jay's only hope is to find a matching donor.
December 3, 1975. The school calls for all to volunteer and get tested to see if anyone could be a
possible match for Young Little Jay's broken mitral valve-- the Calcutta school houses over a
1000 students, teachers, and administrators. The following show up: Craig Biggio and Lardy Pig.
One matches, the other doesn't.
December 4, 1975. A cafeteria filled with the entire Calcutta student body still patiently wait for
their promised Thanksgiving meal. :)
Dec 5, 1975. Young Little Jay and his donor are prepped for surgery. Gino slips the surgeon a
$100 to make his "drinking problem" go away. Gino is handcuffed and lead out of the hospital.
The two brave boys are lead side by side down to the surgery room holding hands. Outside the
hospital...... the Calcutta school begins to riot. Signs are held high reading "Don't Do It!"
December 5, 1975- December 6, 1975 10:03 pm-3:11 am. Hours of surgery occur as the
surgeons remove part of the Fundiform ligament from the donor and prepare it to be the valve for
Young Little Jay's mitral prolapse. As this is all occuring rioters outside of the hospital flip over
cars and lite them on fire. Gino, handcuffed, is lead away from the hospital..... and is shot....... in
the heart.
December 6, 1975. 3:20 am Gino is lead into the ER blood spilling out of his chest cavity and
pooling around his lungs. He gasps for air and repeats softly, "don't let me die.... don't let me
die... take whatever out of my son to fix me but don't let me die...." A person looks down on him,
holds his hand and whispers "don't worry, we will do whatever it takes to keep you alive". Gino
looks up-- it's young Craig Biggio.
Dec 6, 1975. The rioters outside continue chanting "don't do it" and "We want our turkey
dinner".
3:21 am. Craig Biggio busts into the surgery room that contains Lardy Pig and Young Little Jay.
He quickly grabs the fundiform ligament that was taken out of Lardy and prepped to be inserted
into Young Little Jay and sprints down the hall to the ER. Biggio hands over the fundiform
ligament and hands it to the ER doctor who quickly uses it to fix Gino's hole in his heart. To
calm the heart down Biggio's pours whiskey over his heart and the bleeding subsides. The ER
doctor is amazed at Craig Biggio and tells him he is a "hero".
3:22 am. The OR surgeons are scrambling to find a substitute for the stolen fundiform ligament.
The anococcygeal ligament is ripped out of Lardy Pig as a substitute. Young Little Jay, although
unconscious has tears streaming out of his eyes-- he knows what Biggio did.
December 6, 1975. 5:00 am. The anococcygeal ligament works and young Little Jay's mitral
valve opens and closes as it should. Lardy Pig also recovers but shits his bed over and over
again. Gino rests in the recovery room. Craig Biggio leaves the hospital and is placed on top of
the shoulders of the rioters. He orders turkey for everyone. The Calcutta school honors him as
the boy who almost killed Young Little Jay. He is rewarded a trip to the United States where he
lives forever-- NEVER to return!!!!!!!!!
December 7, 1975. Craig Biggio arrives in the United States of America- New York City. He is
reunited with his parents and never ever ever returns to the Calcutta School for stupid boys.
Upon his arrival, 1000's of americans who heard of the story welcome him. A young girl
Biggio's age breaks through the barriers and gives him a baseball glove and baseball bat. He
accepts the gift... the rest is history. History-- to be never heard from again. THE END. Now
back to hospital. The doctors who performed the anococcygeal mitral valve replacement discover
something fascinating. Since the ligament was meant to close the anus and keep it shut, it
apparently does not open and close as a mitral valve normally would. This side affect causes
large amounts than slow amounts back to large amounts to slow amounts of blood to be rushed
to Young Little Jay's lungs for oxygenation. This rapid on and off again newly oxygenated blood
rushes in and up to Young Little Jay’s brain and for unknown reason slow down his pituitary
gland. This gland is used to produce human growth hormone. Without it they determine that
Young Little Jay will not grow in height past what he already is......he is destined to be a midget.
The large surges of oxygenated blood to his brain also has another side effect. It causes Young
Little Jay to for no known reason give everyone nicknames--- every single person. He also, for
other unknown reasons, hates black people. He barks out a black nurse like a rapid dog. Lardy
Pig is recovering well put since he lacks his anal ligament he can no longer control his bowel
movements. Shit flows out without his control and he squeals like, yes a pig, whenever it occurs.
Young Little Jay feels for his pain and decides that he will help plug up Lardy Pig's butthole with
different objects (to keep the poop in). This begins Young Little Jays anal fascination. Lardy Pig
also lacks his fundiform ligament (which is used to hold your nut-sack in place). Lardy Pig's
balls hang ridiculously low and when he stands it is quit uncomfortable. Young Little Jay vows
to hold Lardy Pig's balls in his hands or any-other way possible (hold this for later) for support.
Gino, also recovery in the hospital with his fundiform ligament closing to hole in his heart, has
also begun his healing. The alcohol that Craig Biggio poured over his heart saving his life enters
Gino's blood stream and circulates throughout his body. The doctor's discover that Gino needs a
constant supply of alcohol in his body to keep his new improved heart functioning.
December 8, 1975 Dear Diary: B-I-G-G-YO is really gone. Darn him. Well, I don't miss him. I
don't need him. Stupid baseball Stupid parades. Stupid stupid stupid. I have my own friends. I
stull have Punjab. And Lardy, ooooohh Lardy, he is such a treasure. Last night he snuck into my
room here at the hospital. We had fun. We talked and giggled until almost midnight. I like to
giggle. Those horrible police people came by today. All they wanted to talk about was that stupid
turkey and the lovely Mr. B@nner. But they didn't say lovely things about Mr. B@nner. Not
lovely at all. They said something about a Ped O' File. I think that's Irish. But Mr. B@nner didn't
look Irish to me. I got so confused I cried. I don't like to cry. Unless it's at the end of The Way We
Were. That's a good sort of cry. But they wouldn't go away. Not even when I stomped my little
feet. They are all meanies. MEANIES MEANIES MEANIES!!!!!!!!! Doctors are poo poo heads
too. Don't do this. Don't do that. Don't eat this. Don't eat that. Don't put that there. Don't put this
there either. On and on and on and on. Poo poo heads. All their stupid rules. Stupid stupid stuff.
They said that B-I-G-G-YO put me in Jeapordy. How can that be? I have never been on that
show. Poo poo heads. They don't know what they are talking about. Then they told me that
Daddy is going to need a gallon of Irish Whiskey every day. AGAIN WITH THE IRISH STUFF! I
don't even know any Irish people. But, I must admit, Daddy seems happier than I have seen him
in a long time. I think he is even learning the language here. I heard him say "whaz gornner
hapzen whenz gozy ho?" And the doctors said right away that he shouldn't worry that they knew
a supplier in Pittsburgh. See, they understand him. Daddy is a meanie. But, he's a smart meanie.
Also, the poo poo head doctors said I was a lucky boy. They said that I could wear the same
clothes forever. UGH! How can you keep up with fashions if you wear the same clothes forever?
They are such poo poo heads. Punjab visited today too. That was a nice visit. He asked if
fundiform was as fun as it sounded. I giggled. I like to giggle. Oh well Diary, I have to go now.
Lardy needs a lift. Love to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! JM
BIG NEWS! Declaration on the Protection of All Persons from Being Subjected to Torture and
Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment Adopted by General Assembly
resolution 3452 (XXX) of 9 December 1975 India is not a signatory. The local police appear to be
closing in on Mr. B@nner and have recently purchased bludgeons. Given that India is primarily
a country of vegetarians, the turkey is set free to disastrous results.
December 11, 1975 After a day of fruitless searching the Calcutta Police Dept. finally locates
R@bert B@nner. A dead turkey, with its anal area horribly mutilated, lies at his feet. He is
holding a gun to his head and claiming that he has a hostage. His frequent screams that
everything is the fault of black people who pretend to be white confuse the police for a while.
One of the officers, destined for a promotion, notices that the "gun" is actually a water pistol.
The police storm the compound and B@nner is taken into custody. As he is handcuffed he is
heard to scream "OH YES!! YES YOU BITCHES!!" More to come........
December 25, 1975 The Thanksgiving Turkey Union joins forces with Christmas Goose League
and Easter Bunny Advocates International to put an end to targeted animal/anal cruelty. Gerbils
of the world rejoice, despite the absence of a specific holiday to celebrate their unique human
social bonding. R@bert B@nner seeks out a reptile specialist for incarceration consultation on
conjugal rights and regulations.
December 28, 1975 Learning of B@nner's predicament, Mr. Little Jay bakes a special cake
housing a strapping young iguana with necessary instructions. Unbeknown to all, the subsequent
extracurricular prison activities will inevitably lead to an augmented sexually transmitted disease
hosted by a future popular hotel heiress and the demise of a noted Chicago talk radio's progeny.
January 3, 1976. Dear Diary: I'm sorry it has been so long since I wrote to you Dear Diary. But
things have been stupid. Those poo poo heads at the jail that has the lovely Mr. B@nner say that
I did a bad thing. Poo poo heads. I was just trying to make Mr. B@nner happy. It's not my fault
that the iguana did silly things to stupid people. Nothing's my fault but stupid poo poo heads
keep blaming me. Anyway Diary, we had a New Year's party here at the school. It was nice. We
got all dressed up and had punch and pie. Punjab and I both wore our rainbow uniforms. But, he
had these lovely silver sparkle high tops. All I had was my regular pumps. But he said they made
my legs look very nice. Punjab is a sweetie. Lardy Pig came too. He made his famous BOY
POWER SUPER PUNCH. He said it would make us all be superheroes. It must be true. I am
pretty sure I was flying when they did the countdown. In fact Dear Diary, I can't remember ever
feeling better. After everyone cheered in the New Year we all played a bunch of games. I couldn't
play Oreo because I don't have the right equipment. That's what Lardy said. But all the other
boys had a lot of fun. I got to play other games though and am sure I had fun. Lardy says I did so
it must be true. The next 2 days are kind of a blur. I guess I wrote another great article for our
school paper. Something about sports, but I don't know. All I know is that I have to write a note
to the students that the paper is going to print. I did not know that Fellatio was not a play in
badminton. I guess I will have to apologize because one of the house reporters didn't do his
research. Stupid poo poo head. How am I ever going to be a famous writer if people don't do
what I tell them to do? Anyway Diary, those stupid meanie lawyer people keep trying to talk to
me. But I stamp my little feet and jump under the bed to show them who's boss. Daddy says stuff
but no one understands him very much. Even so, he seems happier than I can ever remember.
The stupid doctors gave him some bottle that is hooked up in his chest. It looks stupid. No
fashion sense at all. Poo poo heads. They made my daddy look like a BTO fan. How ugly is
that?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Not at all pretty like that David Bowie person. Punjab, Lardy and me played
like we were in a room with him. It was fun. We all sang "It's all Right John" and Lardy showed
us what the song really meant. Lardy is smart. Well Diary, I have to go now. The stupid poo poo
lawyers are out in the hall. Lardy made a cute little ladder out of his thongs for me so I can
crawl out the window. Ta ta for now. Love to me! JM
January 4, 1976 John Henry Faulk made his debut on "Hee Haw". While this may seem
unrelated to our story thus far, I assure you that it will be of grave import later.
Dear Diary; POO POO HEADS! All lawyers are POO POO HEADS! Every day TRIAL this
TRIAL that TRIAL ... pooo. They won't let me see that lovely Mr. B@nner and won't tell me what
happened to him. That bad Mr. Cock Ran keeps vomiting every time he sees me. He's a poo poo
head. Today he was crying and carrying on about some blue person named Howlin' Wolf who
died. Who cares about blue people? Blue people are stupid. I have never seen a blue person and
I bet he hasn't either. He's just making poo poo stuff up to annoy me. Anyway, now the Calcutta
Police are mad at Lardy. We had to hide him. They wanted to talk to him about his BOY
POWER SUPER PUNCH. Some stupid head said he drank some and did stuff that he didn't
think was fun. How could he know? None of us remember anything. He's lying just to make
things bad for Lardy Pig. He's a stupid head. I told the stupid police thing that he should know
that boys just want to have fun and he should leave us alone. Oh, those poo poo head police
arrested Daddy yesterday. It seems he tried to date a cow. But, they let him go after they got a
note from his doctor. Stupid doctors. Stupid police. Everyone is stupid heads. Punjab is excited
(isn't he always, tee hee). It seems that there is something called a USO show coming to
Calcutta. He says it's a great reason to dress up and meet American soldiers. I have never met
an American soldier but Punjab says they are divine. So, I'm excited too. The theme is country
music. This will be fun. After all, we are from a country and they are from a country so what
could possibly go wrong? Well Dear Diary, it is time for me to go now. If I don't lift Lardy 3
times a day he gets stinky. Love to me! JM
January 19, 1976 - Calcutta Statesman
Gour Kishore Ghosh- reporting
For far too many years our beloved India had been under foreign rule. Yet, as we have come to
know freedom these last couple of decades we have tried to find our place in the larger world. To
that end we have made peaceful entreaties to several foreign countries and their allies. Our hope
was to first open civil relations and later diplomatic. This has been a cautiously successful
campaign. Last year, alone, 4 countries deigned to visit our precious shores to share love, meet
India and learn more about our people. The event with England went much better than anyone
could have hoped. From despised invaders to welcome guests in one lifetime. I was proud of
India that day. We showed could grow up and move beyond our past. Yesterday was to have
been another such proud day for India. A group of American entertainers, under the auspices of
the United Serviceman's Organization (the USO), came to our country to share with us American
culture and music. The American standard bearer for entertainment, a television show called Hee
Haw, brought their entire cast to India to play music, sing with us and help us understand
America. Many shops closed early to allow their employees to participate in this, first of its kind,
event. Mukherjee Road, home of the Muktangan theater, was crowded with people of all ages
waiting to see the show. In deference to American customs, members of every caste were
allowed to attend. In retrospect, this may have been a mistake. The American entourage arrived
at the theater around 6 PM. They were greeted by intense applause and much cheering. At first,
all seemed to be going well. As the newest cast member of Hee Haw, one Mr. John Henry Faulk,
made his way off of the bus he was accosted by a group of bizarrely, rainbow, clad boys all
squealing and asking him if he was a soldier. While Mr. Faulk at first appeared bemused, the
situation began to deteriorate rapidly as other cast members attempted to remove him from the
fray. One young man, apparently also an American, or possibly Amerasian, was seen holding a
jar of what appeared to be a lubricant and screaming SOLDIERS! SOLDIERS! SOLDIERS!
Whatever his motive for such a taunt, it brought forth the fine soldiers of India. As the local
constabularies moved the crowd apart, the soldiers came bursting in. At that moment, Mr. Faulk
removed a 45 caliber revolver from his jacket and began screaming "Get away from me you little
freaks. Quit touching me there." While this reporter could not specifically see the "there" in
question, it certainly seemed to be causing Mr. Faulk much distress. As many of you know, both
Indians and Americans hold their personages to be sacrosanct. Before anyone could hum the
catchy theme song, shots rang out above, and then into, the crowd. Witnesses interviewed by this
reporter disagree as to who may have fired the first shot. However, more than half claimed it was
the rainbow clad urchins. Sadly though, no matter the beginning, the end was a war zone. Once
again our beloved India was besieged by violence of untold horror. Once again blood ran freely
in the gutters of Calcutta. This dark day, already called "The Rainbow Riots" by lesser papers,
will stain forever the memories of Indians. 22 Hindus and 14 Muslims lay dead or dying. Of the
rainbow urchins, no sign could be found. From the Prime Minister on down, bureaucrats are
calling to action and solutions. The brave cast members of Hee Haw have stated that, in the
grand tradition of the theater, the show will go on. But, 'when' is a question unanswered. 'Where'
is left unsaid. 'How' is not even being thought about. Currently the Americans are being held, for
their safety, at an undisclosed location. Much remains to be known about these events. Our
prayers are with the families who have lost their loved ones. And, in the spirit of unity with
which this event was conceived, this reporter shall close with the words of wisdom from, the
Grande Dame of Hee Haw, Ms. Minnie Pearl. "Show business is made up of disappointments,
and it's through life's disappointments that you grow."
January 20, 1976. The Trial of the 70s is about the commence. Gour Kishore Ghosh with the
assistance of Geraldo Rivera will be India's eye on their most famous legal battle. Spielberg
already purchases the rights to Biggio vs Little Jay for a future screenplay.
BigBadBill
I thought we agreed. No more Biggio.
Tyrone Briggs
Cannot ignore such a prominent figure in young Little Jay's life. History must be
accurate here.
BigBadBill
[quote author="Jamel" date="1179363896"]December 7, 1975. Craig Biggio arrives in
the United States of America- New York City. He is reunited with his parents and never
ever ever returns to the Calcutta School for stupid boys. Upon his arrival, 1000's of
americans who heard of the story welcome him. A young girl Biggio's age breaks through
the barriers and gives him a baseball glove and baseball bat. He accepts the gift... the
rest is history. History-- to be never heard from again. THE END. [/quote]
History spoke earlier.
Tyrone Briggs
But then there was a court ordered subpoena....
January 21, 2007. Trial Day#1. The court house is packed. In a surprising move, the original
justice is removed and in place Judge Mahtma Dahl is to preside over the trial. Dahl has a
notorious reputation of running a tight ship during his court proceedings. Bailey looks gravely
troubled. Cochran turns to Little Jay and Big Daddy G. and declares, "I'm gonna need more
money."
January 23, 1976 ** translated from TV broadcast ** Yesterday, as dawn broke across Calcutta,
a young man was being whisked under cover to an undisclosed location to testify at the
upcoming trial of the century. The young man, a certain Craig Biggio, was said to possess
knowledge that would blow the case wide open. Unfortunately, as tight as security was, a large
man dressed as a rainbow colored clown, fired a shot from the crowd and hit the poor Mr. Biggio
in the back of the head. Through the most amazing case of luck, the shot did not kill Mr. Biggio.
But, doctors say that the shot did destroy certain segments of his brain and he has no memory,
any more, of the events that led him here. In fact, all he seems to know is that he loves baseball
and wants to meet large breasted blond women. While attorneys on both sides can sympathize
with his new passions, these events render him useless as a witness. He is being sent back to
America for further treatment. Something tells this reporter that the events of this trial are gong
to get weirder before they get clear. Mrs. Samar Khan, NDTV, reporting.
January 24, 1976 - Miss Cleo is summoned to assist in the deposition of young Craig Biggio.
Upon visiting the boy, Miss Cleo immediately enters a state of trance and recites a strange omen
in tongues. Biggio's eyes flutter open and announces, "I'm cured". The Vatican to this day refuses
to acknowledge the seeming miracle. Judge Dahl determines there is no further reason to delay
the court proceedings.
BigBadBill
[quote author="tyrone briggs" date="1182803054"]January 24, 1976 - Miss Cleo is
summoned to assist in the deposition of young Craig Biggio. Upon visiting the boy, Miss
Cleo immediately enters a state of trance and recites a strange omen in tongues. Biggio's
eyes flutter open and announces, "I'm cured". The Vatican to this day refuses to
acknowledge the seeming miracle. Judge Dahl determines there is no further reason to
delay the court proceedings.[/quote]
There is reaching, there is a wild stretch and then there is this.
Jan 25, 1976. After Biggio's magnificent recovery he decides to award himself by going to a
cockfight in an undisclosed basement in Boise, Idaho. During the fight, a cock runs wild and
pecks him in the throat damaging his vocal cords. He is rushed to the hospital where the doctors
decide that he will no longer be able to speak. The judge hears of this and dismisses him from the
trial as anything not said directly out of his mouth is considered "hear say". Biggio also becomes
afraid of all things "cock related", ends ALL homosexual actions, and becomes the biggest ladies
man ever.
Jan 26, 1976. Biggio goes back to the "healer" who brought him back just a few days ago. She is
the top healer in the entire universe. She shakes her head slowly and declares that she can not
help him. No doctor, No relgious healer, no nobody can help him. Biggio takes all the energy
from his lost voice and puts it into learning baseball skills. He never talks again.
Jan 27, 1976. Desperate for a cure, Biggio travels back to Calcutta to visit - of all people - young
Little Jay who promised the aspiring MLBer that he had the cure for his affliction. Biggio "plays
the magic flute" and the "special medicine" oddly treats his vocal cords. However, certain
parents are thoroughly disgusted and mortified and charges are re-instated. Judge Dahl orders an
immediate trial to commence the next day. Young Little Jay is held in custody without bail and
Biggio is denied permission whatsoever to leave India until the trial has been completed.
Jan 28, 1976. Of course "Young Little Jay's magic flute cream" was a fraud. As it might have
temporarly HELPED Biggio's vocal cords the doctor's at the closest hospital decide it is best to
REMOVE his vocal cords entirely. During the surgery the doctor's accidentally damage
surrounding tissue making it IMPOSSIBLE to have a vocal cord transplant in the future.
Disgusted with Biggio's recent magic flute playing and this back and forth vocal cord issue the
judge sends Biggio back to the United States of America and BANISHES HIM FOR LIFE TO
NEVER BE ALLOWE BACK IN INDIA (with FULL SUPPORT FROM THE GOVERNMENT
Biggio is given the first banishment for life never to be reversed punishment). Biggio is sent
home on the red eye to the good U.S of A. Young Little Jay's trial will commence.
January 29, 2007. It is revealed that Judge Dahl NEVER issued such a warrant and summons
Biggio back to India. Biggio is remainded in protective custody where an experimental larynx
transplant was conducted by India's top surgeons. Judge Dahl is adamant that this trial will
resume on course and without further delay.
Jan 30, 1007. Investigation into Judge Dahl occurs due to this weird Biggio thing. You see it
seems that Biggio never left the USA and never returned to India. An imposter which looks
similar to Biggio was the one who actually went back to India- that tricky Biggio guy. Testing
occurs on Judge Dahl and multiple positive DRUG tests are found- for meth and cocaine. The
testing occurred in front of a hundred different individuals- including a DNA test to confirm it is
100% Judge Dahl. He is dismissed from the case. The experimental larynx transplant actually
took place on the Biggio imposter. The real Biggio remains silent.
February 2, 1976 Dear Diary: I am SOOOO confused. First my Greggy is back then he isn't then
he is and then he likes girls (YUK), OHHH I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. Then that
horrible Mr. Cock Ran tells me that the nice Mr. Dahl (rhymes with DOLL) can't be my judge
anymore. I don't know why. He seemed nice and Lardy said he had the best stuff. I am not sure
what that means, but if Lardy says so them it must be so. Anyway Dear Diary, with all this poo
poo stuff going on I haven't had time to pursue my passion; writing about boys and the things
that make them sweat. I talked to the commandant about that and he said not to worry. He said
that, after my last article, no one had forgotten me and probably never would. I didn't know the
Commandant could be so nice. He's kind of cute. In his own, stern, sort of way. Next week are
the tryouts for the summer badminton league. Punjab is sure to make it. He has been flitting
around all winter with his cute little racket and his new sports outfit. I HAVE to find out where
he shops. His things are sooo darling. But last week was a disaster. We didn't get to meet any
soldiers and there was a lot of noise and people screaming and stuff. It wasn't Punjab's fault. It
was those poo poo heads from the USO thingie. They didn't want to play with us at all. There
was something on TV about a group of homosexual circus performers, but I didn't see any of
them. Well, Dear Diary, I have to go now. Lardy is taking me to see a play. It is called OH
CALCUTTA. He says it is a musical. I adore musicals. Ta ta for now Dear Diary. Love to me!
JM
The CMS & BA TATTLER
February 9, 1976
DATELINE: Calcutta Military School and Badminton Academy
Little Jay reporting
Well kids, this has been an exciting week here at the Academy. I don't know if there was ever a
sports week like this in the whole history of sports. And that includes those naked men we read
about in history class who ran naked across Greece without clothes. Or, maybe, that was 'through
grease'. I get confused. Anyway, amid much fanfare and a lovely rendition of "Dancing Queen"
sung by the Junior Class Boys' Choir, the new school uniforms were unveiled at a solemn
ceremony held in the gymnasium. As it turns out, that is right here on campus. Who knew? The
boys swim team will be wearing a new type of suit that makes them faster. It is called Speedo.
According to sources exclusive to this reporter, it is also called a "banana jacket." But, I am not
sure why. There were the usual protests about human decency and child pornography and blah
blah blah, but who cares about that stuff? All the boys at the Academy cared about was how
great they looked. And I am sure that they will all be much faster now. Also, now that they have
their new uniforms, they are supposed to be allowed to compete against other schools this year.
That silly misunderstanding from last year's event, before this reporter was proud to become a
cadet, seems to have been cleared up now that some kid named Sodomite has been transferred.
We wish him the best at his new school. Some of the senior class have taken to wearing their
new suits around the dorms. They don't all seem to fit the same. Some boys look lumpy, others
smooth. But, lumpy or smooth, they all look like fast winners to me. Also, the Commandant says
I have to say this. This week some ugly police people will be on campus about that Hee Haw
thing. I don't know why as I certainly did not see any wildly dressed midget clowns. But,
whatever. All I care to say is GO BOYS! Get wet fast!
February 14, 1976 Dear Diary; Tonight there is going to be a special show on the TV. It is called
Rock Concert and tonight the lovely Davy Jones will be singing. Hey hey, he's a Monkee.
Monkee's are cute. They make me giggle. I love to giggle. Today is also Valentine's Day. Lardy's
cousin, Chad, sent us a lovely card (I taped it to the bottom of this Dear Diary so that you can
see it whenever you want). He said he got a job working with ropes and sailors by boats. I like
boats and I like sailors. If this sports thingie doesn't work out maybe I could be a sailor too. It is
a lovely rope. Anyway, Dear Diary, those poo poo head police came by yesterday. That horrible
Mr. Cock Ran came to my room, vomited (he is always doing that) and then told me not to say
anything. Well, he's not the boss of me Dear Diary. I can say whatever I want to whoever I want
whenever I want. But it didn't matter. All the ugly police people wanted to talk about was gay
midgets dressed like rainbows. Police people are weird. I wanted to talk about banana jackets,
but that horrible Mr. Cock Ran came screaming in to the room and made me leave. I am never
going to find out what a banana jacket is. Oh well, Dear Diary, Daddy says they found a
replacement for the delightful Mr. Dahl (still rhymes with DOLL) so I guess that stupid trial
thingie is going to happen. I don't care. They are all poo poo heads anyway. Not at all like the
lovely Mr. Liberace who once appeared on the Monkee's show with that cute Davy Jones. He
dresses divine. Well, I have to get ready for the show tonight. Some of the senior boys are
hosting a soiree and all the freshman are invited. Lardy says there will be fun games and he's
going to make punch and pie. I like punch and pie. Love to me! JM
February 14, 1976 - cont. Dear Diary: With all the excitement seeing Lardy's cousin Chad, I
completely forgot, last night Ladry took us to another play. This one was called HAIR. He even
brought the exchange kids from Africa. They keep them on the other side of the gymnasium. Like
I said before, that is on campus. Who knew? Anyway, while I was disappointed that there wasn't
single song about the joys of conditioner, I did like it. I especially liked one song. Mmmmm,
Black boys fill me up. Sing with me Dear diary! Love to me! JM
Jamel, please forgive me. I was paid off in advance. February 16, 1976 Dear Diary: Oh joy oh
joy!!!!!!!! I have been hearing this giggling and cute noises coming from under my bed. I thought
it was just left over effects from Lardy's punch. But, OH JOY OH JOY OH JOY, it turns out if
was little Bee Gee Oh living under my bed. He's been there all along. He finally crawled out
because he was hungry and needed a hug. Oh, I am sooooooooooo happy Dear Diary!!!!!!! We
laughed and giggled, I love to giggle, and played games with Lardy all night. I have never been
happier Dear Diary. Nothing could ruin my mood. Love to me, JM
February 17, 1976. Dear Diary: Today I went to another musical- it was called "Lizzie Borden"-they kept singing this song : "Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her parents 40 whacks"- it
scared me so. I don't like musicals anymore. I think I will stick to pretending to like baseball and
football. When I tell my imaginary friends I secretly like badminton and swimming better they
laugh at me. My own imaginary friends who live inside my head laugh at me. Ooooo that Lizzie
Borden- she scares me. No laughing and giggling for me.
February 19, 1976. Dear Diary: That Lizzie Borden song I just can't get out of my head-- "Lizze
Borden took an axe and gave her parents 40 whacks, Lizze Borden took an axe and gave her
parents 40 whacks, Little Jay-Little Jay took and axe and gave Bee-G-Oh 40
whacks...........".................."Little Jay-Little Jay took an axe and gave Bee-G-Oh 40
whacks"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bye-Bye Bee-G-OH!!!!! OH Oh oh oh oh oooooooooooooo--February 20, 1976. Dear Diary: I woke up this morning sweating and covered in blood. Lardy
and Bee Gee Oh were standing over me. That horrible Mr. Cock Ran was there too. Wiping
vomit off his shirt. Lardy said I drank some Super Boy Punch he had made but that wasn't ready
yet. I thought it was Kool-Aid. I had the worst dream Dear Diary. I thought I had killed Bee Gee
Oh. Ugly Mr. Cock Ran said I did a bad thing to a cow. But, he said not to worry as the
Commandant had made sure that the foreign boys would have steak dinners for a while. I am
soooooo confused Dear Diary. What do cows have to do with steaks? And why would anyone
care what happened to a silly old cow in India anyway? All I know Dear Diary is that Bee Gee
Oh is safe and that Lardy's punch will be ready in a couple of days. Love to me! JM
February 21, 1976. Little Fuckidy Fuck Fuck Little Jay Little Jay, Mr Cock Ran, Lardy, and BeeGee-Oh all go to the ocean to go swimming. It's a beautiful day at the beach and Mr Cock Ran
and Lardy go into the ocean. Splish, splash, they give each other a bath in 20 feet of water.
Suddenly......... down goes Mr Cock Ran submerged into the water...... Lardy let's out a squeal as
suddenly the ocean is filled with blood. Mr Cock Ran suddenly appears and is screaming "Help
me! help me! help me!"-- Lardy swims over to try and help when all of sudden he feels
something tickle his toes.... then something grabs onto his leg... it hurts, it hurts real bad. He
reaches down to see what happened.... shock hits his face as he can't FIND HIS LEG!!!!! It's
gone..... blood swarms around him...... On the shore Little Jay hears the cries for help from Mr
Cock Ran and Lardy. He pisses his pants, shits his pants, and cowards into a fetal position. BeeGe-Oh jumps into the water and quickly reaches Mr Cock Ran and Lardy. Bee-Gee-Oh asks Mr
Cock Ran where he was hurt. All Mr Cock Ran can say is "my penis! I can't find my penis. Help
me find my penis!" Blood is all over. Then the fin appears. The shark is heading straight for
Lardy. Bee-Ge-Oh grabs Mr Cock Ran and drags him back to shore keeping constant pressure on
his groan area. Little Jay runs over and suddenly seems very interested in helping maintain
constant pressure on Mr Cock Ran's injury. Bee-Ge-Oh turns and enters the waters again
however he can't find Lardy. He searches for hours. Lardy is lost......
February 22, 1976. 15 hours after the attack Young Little Jay and Bee-Ge-Oh are still at the
hospital waiting to hear from the doctor about the penis reattachment. Young Little Jay is crying
like the little "fag" he is softly saying to himself "Why his penis? Why couldn't it be something
else other than his penis? Why not his arm, why not his leg, anything but his penis? Why, God
why?" All of a sudden the doctor appears and says the following: "He lost a lot of blood. We did
the best we could. Unfortunately we couldn’t reattach his penis. Instead we attached a fake penis
made of latex. I am sorry for your loss". Young Little Jay goes into hysteria and starts yanking
on his screaming "take mine, I don't need it. TAKE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Young Little
Jay is admitted into the hospital.
February 24, 1976. Two days later Young Little Jay is allowed to visit Mr Cock Ran. He asks to
see it. Mr Cock Ran shows it to him. "It's not so bad" says Young Little Jay. I never knew I
would like latex so much!". Young Little Jay's spirits are back as he begins to play with his new
latex toy. Young Little Jay appears to be back to normal, excited about how well he loves latex
yet unaware of Mr Cock Ran's crying. Mr Cock Ran breaks down and sobs "I can't feel it. I can't
feel anything....." 5 hours pass Young Little Jay is napping in the chair near Mr Cock Ran's
hospital bed. Mr Cock Ran grabs the latex and rips it off cursing it and the shark straight to hell.
The bleeding starts. 2 hours later. Young Little Jay awakens to the doctors trying to shock Mr
Cock Ran's heart back to life. They are unsuccessful. The latex penis lie on the floor covered in a
pool of blood. Young Little Jay grabs and hides it.
R.I.P. Mr Cock Ran August 1, 1948- February 22, 1976.
February 25, 1976. A boat out in the ocean.... excitement appears on the deck of the boat. A
young man screams "I think I caught something big. I got a big one on my line!"-- 30 minutes
later.....
R.I.P. Lardy Pig December 25th 1959- February 25th 1976
February 26, 1975. Bee-Ge-Oh goes back to the United States of America. He is awarded a
medal for his bravery, pardoned of any wrong doings, and free not to have to testify to whatever
stupid shit people have made up in the past few months. Afraid of the ocean he SWEARS
NEVER EVER (and really NEVER DOES) leave North America. He spends most of his young
life living in Boise, Idaho..... a place of later great significance for Old Man Little Jay. Nothing
much better to do in Boise, Idaho except play baseball.
February 27th, 1975. Little Little Jay upset that Lardy is dead, Bee-Ge-Oh moved to the States,
Mr Cock Ran dead, blah blah blah meets up with a man named Jose at school. Jose comforts him
and tells him he understands how upset he must be. Jose hands him over some green pills and
some magic cream. So begins--- the Drug years---CIA Headquarters - Washington, D.C.
TOP SECRET
March 1, 1975 "The Biggio Papers"
Synopsis: Interrogator #1 I was tasked with debriefing the young Mr. Biggio after his return to
civilization from India. It was my understanding that we were to take his statement and then leak
some salient portions to the media to help bolster his hero image. After 3 days of careful
interrogations, I strongly recommend that the young Mr. Biggio's brain be wiped of any memory
of this experience and that he be set up in Boise Idaho to play with the Hawks' developmental
baseball team. Furthermore, if possible, I strongly suggest a tactical nuclear strike on the
Calcutta Military School and Badminton Academy. Lest any of the august reviewers of this
document think that I may be exaggerating the gravity of the situation, I post herein samples of
the interview. The entire series of audio tapes and all copies of the transcripts have been locked
in the Series Zeta Zeta Alpha 111 Vault and may not be accessed without a Presidential warrant.
Section 1 - (Biggio) ... then we would all get naked and sit on Lardy's lap. It was fun. We would
play "tug the rope" and see who could make gooey the fastest. I was always the fastest. Little Jay
couldn't play. Lardy said that was because all the boys had a Winky but that Little Jay only had a
Tinky. Lardy was fun. He knew all sorts of games for us boys to play. He said he learned them
all in the Scouts and in the Navy. He has a cousin who is a sailor. His cousin is very much a man,
just like us.
Section 2 - (Biggio) ... then we went out into the woods. Lardy got us all guns. We went very
deep and couldn't see the lights of the school any more. There was a group of baby bears. Lardy
said we had to shoot them and then we would be manly men like him. Little Jay couldn't hit any,
but I killed 4 cubs. I was the best cub killer we had. Later we cut out the gall bladders of the
cubs. Lardy said we could sell those to the Japanese kids who were here on vacation. We dressed
up in the skins after we took off our smelly clothes and danced around a fire that Lardy made.
Little Jay was sad because he didn't have any skins to wear, but Lardy let him drink some of the
punch first and then Little Jay felt much better. After a while he was howling at the moon and
dancing around the fire with the rest of us. I let him play "tug the rope" with me and that made
him giggle. He has a nice giggle.
Section 3 - (Biggio) .... I just stayed under the bed. The bad police people kept coming by and
that horrible Mr. Cock Ran kept vomiting. But, I never went hungry. Little Jay would drop food
all day. Hummus Pizzas and falafels mostly. But, they were still good. If I had to go potty I just
did it in the corner like Little Jay. I figured no one would notice.
Section 4 –
(Agent) "How many boys played with you, Little Jay and Lardy?"
(Biggio) "Oh, lots. The senior boys really liked ripping off Little Jay's clothes and giggling. He'd
start giggling too, although I don't think he knew why. Sometimes I thought they were being
mean to him, but he said they were his friends."
(Agent - later in the interview) "What was discipline like at the school?"
(Biggio) "Sometimes Lardy had to spank us. You know, like when we'd been bad or stupid. Not
me so much, but Little Jay had a real red bottom. Sometimes I would smear ointment on it for
him. He liked that a lot...."
As you can clearly see, this "Academy" is a hot bed of sedition. Should this "Little Jay" be
allowed back in the states, I fear that no good will come of it. A review of all documents shows
that he is clearly incapable of making a decision, forming an opinion on his own and is willing to
do whatever, and say whatever, it takes it ingratiate himself with athletes. He could, singlehandedly, lower the national IQ by 30%. Now that the one known as Lardy Pig is deceased, I
strongly suggest that we finish the job and end this impending nightmare.
March 2, 1975. Big Daddy G. comes for a visit. Young Little Jay tells his father everything that
has recently transpired in the past year. Hours later. Young Little Jay videotapes his father Big
Daddy G.'s reaction and how he handles the news. (Here is that video. You are listening to
Young Little Jay talk to his father Big Daddy G.. Remember a young boys voice does sound like
a girl- especially Young Little Jay's)
March 2, 1975. News spreads fast and of the events that have occurred with Young Little Jay in
the last few years. Young Little Jay's mother, Paula, starts doing news interviews. Here is that
video unedited. Instead of talking about Young Little Jay for some reason Paula wants to talk
about music and some weird show-- wow- what a nut job! At around 4 minutes she actually talks
about the new movie created around these events and how she is suppose to star in the movie.
March 3, 1975. After recovering from a serious chronic bout of hemorrhoids, Judge Dahl orders
court to resume in session for Biggio vs Little Jay. It is considered the trial of the century for
India. Geraldo Rivera is named America's official media spokesperson for the entire proceedings.
March 4, 1975. Jude Dahl awakens to a blood filled bed. First he thinks it might be the horse
head in his bed but later he discovers his hemorrhoids are worse than ever- trail suspended until
further notice
March 5, 1975. 8:45 AM - Robert Shapiro strictly forbids young Master Little Jay from entering
the courtroom wearing a pink tuxedo complete with a top hat. After much haggling, it is agreed
that the school blazer and shorts are appropriate, but the beanie hat is forbidden.
March 6, 1975. Young Little Jay awakens in a pool of sweat........... it was all a dream................
Lardy, Biggio, The Crisco Pig, trial-- all a dream... and better yet Young Little Jay is in his own
bed, in the USA, at home with Big Daddy G. and momma Little Jay.
March 7, 1975. Young Little Jay is admitted into the Pittsburgh Psychiatric loony place. With
him he brings only 5 personal belongings ......
March 8, 1975. Young Little Jay opens his eyes awakening in his psychiatric room in a pool of
sweat. Sitting on the bed sounding him are The Crisco Pig, Lardy Boy, Craig Biggio (yes
Biggio), and Paco............
March 9, 1975. After being heavily sedated from the previous day, Tinky slowly opens his eyes.
As he blinks to remove the sleep from them, he notices something wrong. Something severely
wrong. Smeared across his room were waves of crimson. The acrid smell of iron permeated his
nose. His eyes wide open in shock right now, took in the entire sight. Smeared on one of the
walls was the message, Went back to Boise. Miss me. CB Tinky stares in horror as the
magnitude of the situation sinks in. He begins to shriek in fear, disgust, horror, and lust. All these
emotions running through his body. He wrestled with the arm restraints, feeling them dig deeper
into his arm as he tried to twist his body to get a view of what was around him. As the restraint
cut into him like a razorblade, he say it. He saw the carnage. Lying in a pile at the foot of his bed
lay the Crisco Pig, Lardy Boy, Craig Biggio, and Paco. And lying next to the pile was a
Louisville slugger covered in blood.
March 9, 1975. 2 minutes later....
Arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Young Little Jay
screams non-stop pissing and shitting his pants at what he sees. Guards, nurses, and doctors run
into the room to try to sedate him. "Can't you see them! Can't you see them! Can't you see them!"
Little Jay repeatedly screams. "See what little Little Jay?" the doctors asks him. "There is
nothing here"......
Let's get back on track here.
Dear Little Jay: It is with an aching heart that I must tell you that we can no longer be
friends. My father has expressly forbidden it until the dark cloud of rumor has passed
from your gentle visage. Yesterday the police came to my house. They asked me many
questions. I was very confused. They spoke of hee haws and bears and perverts so on.
There was another man, an American, who was especially nasty. He said he was a special
agent. But, he didn't seem that special to me. Just mean. Also, the Commandant informed
my father that I would not be allowed to play in the spring badminton tournament. My
father was crushed. He won the silver ribbon when he was a boy and expected good things
from me. And that evil Mr. Cock Ran was here too. He said not nice things and kept
leaving the room to throw up whenever your name was mentioned. You are right, he is a
meanie. That special agent person kept saying how the Boise Hawks were to be the
salivation of American manhood. Not only was he mean, he made no sense at all. My father
keeps saying that boys who want to be men do not do the things we do. But, are we not
men? Do we not bleed like men? Do we not suffer like men? Are not the games we play the
games men play? But, when I asked my father these things he hits me and said that athletes
- true athletes - do not do the things we do. I am confused dear Little Jay. But since my
father has locked me in my room, there is little I can do. Sadly yours, Punjab Singh more
below ......
Dear Diary: I cried and cried when I got Punjab's letter today. All my friends are leaving me.
They die or they die or they are taken away from me. And, now I know why. It is a conspiracy. It
is these "athlete" people. These "sports fans". I will show them. I will get each and every one of
them. They shall feel my wrath. All the meanies and stupid heads will learn to not mess with me.
I will become the Barbara Streisand to their Kris Kristofferson. I will be the shining light of
truth. I shall expose them every way I can think of, and some I can't just yet because I am too
young. But they shall be exposed. I will devise a plan of things. And some stuff. And then I will do
those things and stuff. Then the world will know not to mess with me. Not to anger me. Not to
make me shake my tiny fists or stomp my little feet. I'll teach them. Meanies and stupid heads all
of them. Love to me. JM and then the letters began .......
Dear Diary: I had a dream last night. It was a scary dream. It had bad stuff in it. I dreamed that
Daddy had me put into the Pittsburgh loony place. They only let me bring 5 personal things ......
I have more than 5. I membered counting. Anyway, I opened my eyes. I woke up in a crazy
people’s room in a pool of sweat. It may have been mine. But, at first I was happy. Sitting on the
bed surrounding me were The Crisco Pig, Lardy Pig, Bee-Gee-Oh and this cute Latin boy.
Crisco and Lardy didn’t look very dead at all. But then, I noticed something wrong. Something
very wrong. Smeared across my room were waves of red like blood red only darker than blood
red which is darker than regular red. There was a bad smell. It smelled like the smell of that stuff
at the blacksmith shop I once went to. That was a place of stupid heads too. It filled my nose. My
eyes got all wide open in shock. Smeared on the wall was the message, Went to Boise. Miss me?
Bee-Gee-Oh Oh, Dear Diary, I stared in horror as the bigness of the situation. In my dream I
began to squeal in fear, disgust, horror and lust. All these thingies were running through my
body and my head. I could not move. Daddy was standing over me, laughing. Laughing. I
wrestled with the arm bands, feeling them dig deeper into my arms as I tried to twist my body to
get a view. Then I saw it, Dear Diary. Lying in a pile at the foot of my bed were the Crisco Pig,
Lardy Pig and Bee-Gee-Oh. And lying next to the pile was a baseball thingie covered in blood. I
screamed, Arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! non-stop
peeing and poo pooing in my pants at what I saw. Guards, nurses, and doctors ran into the room
to try to put needles in me. “Can’t you see them! Can’t you see them! Can’t you see them!” I
screamed and screamed and screamed. “See what little F***tard?” the doctors asked me.
“There is nothing here”...... There is nothing there. That’s right Dear Diary. I woke up for really
truly and there was nothing there. All my friends were gone. All my dreams were poo poo. Bad
people did bad things to me and now they must pay. I membered what Lardy showed me when he
showed how to get the stuff to make his punch. How to order from different post offices. Use
different names. How to make no one know who you were. That is how you got the best stuff for
the punch. I will do the same thing. I will send letters the same way. I will show the world what
bad things could happen when they make poop thoughts in my head. Love to me! JM
Sad woman with no name
I'm more confused than ever-- so where is he?? Who's alive? Who's dead? Is the trial still
on?
BigBadBill
Good questions. Little Jay is alive and in India suffering from nightmares. Crisco and
Lardy are dead. Biggio is in Boise with his mind wiped clean of all memories of his days
in Calcutta. Punjab is under house arrest. As to the trial, that was Tyrone's thing. I even
gave him a turkey (with a sawed off baster) on a bronco and he did nothing with it. I had
to edit the posts from you and Ed to make this work since you both used words far beyond
the 3rd grade level Little Jay actually writes at. But, I think I kept the tenor of your
thoughts. If Tyrone wants to do the trial, then I am more than happy to sit on the side and
let things develop. Otherwise, let's have at it!
Tyrone Briggs
Oh yeah.... the trial.... Sorry but the delay. I was totally engrossed reading the volumes of
bicker bantering among certain JTJ posters. Memo to Toko: Score some friendlier weed.
Puhlease...
Sad woman with no name
I hate the trial- Tyrone can start and I might jump in
Sad woman with no name
Waiting.....waiting.......waiting....
Sad woman with no name
Waiting....waiting.....waiting.....waiting......
March 10, 1975 After a very lengthy rehab stint recovering from addiction to peyote and vinyl,
Judge Dahl orders that the trial re-commence.
March 11, 1975 - As the charges against young Little Jay are read by the court clerk, a loud bang
erupts as the boy's father enters the room. In a drug induced state, the man screams at Judge
Dahl, "It is all my fault, I'm a terrible father to my son because of my addiction to heroin!" and
slumps to the floor unconscious. Lead counsel Johnny Cochran immediately requests a recess.
Dahl bangs the gavel in disgust and demands the courtroom to be cleared. The bailiff examines
the near lifeless body and informs the judge that there are track marks on both arms. Paramedic
services are dispatched. Young Little Jay begins to cry.
July 19, 2008 - Vernon Hills Bunker: In what can only be described as a "hissyfit temper
tantrum" local authorities investigate a profane tirade disturbance 911 call from a local neighbor.
Police were horrified to discover a bunker loaded with contraband women's shoe wear
manufactured in China yet not cleared by customs. Little Jay and his editor were found rolling on
the floor, kicking and scratching each other over a pair of "very special" pumps. While the
"men"* were being handcuffed, this certain editor bellowed that Little Jay "was fired" and
"would never work in this fuckin' town again". Surrounding witnesses broke out into
spontaneous applause.
August 5. 2008 - Beijing (Undisclosed Location): Chinese intelligence receives a disturbing
report from India nationalists concerning Little Jay. Unfortunately, the passport has already been
cleared and America's most unwanted is freely roaming the streets of Beijing. American
authorities have been uncooperative in producing any information concerning a recent police
report issued by a Chicago north suburban police department in which non-documented Chinese
manufactured woman's shoe ware was discovered. A call to the White House has yet to be
returned although a fax was received simply reading, "He* is now your problem." Beijing
officials admit to having the city "on high alert". Stay tuned.