Lost, goLd company will etch crop cir- with letter “K” pendant,

Lost, gold necklace
with letter “K” pendant,
great sentimental value,
near intersection of NotreDame and St-Martin Blvds.
Pls. write Chomedey News
c/o Lost & Found, 657 Cure
Labelle #250, H7V 2T8.
SPA FOR PETS – grooming, massage and “claw”icure. Let us pamper your
pet! Full and half day
packages available. (450)
698-0212.
ROBUST MALE, 91 years
young, seeking to meet
outgoing, well-endowed
female aged 18-28. Write
Personals, c/o The Chomedey News, 657 Curé-Labelle, #250, H7V 2T8.
GORP 6000 tongue exerciser in original packaging,
$50 or best offer. (450)
999-9999.
EXCLUSIVE LUXURY CAR DEALERSHIP,
Chomedey district. Pintos,
Yugos, Oggis, hard-to-find
Edsels & more! ULTRACAR (450) 521-4222.
FALL IN LOVE... Cute
and cuddly southern Black
Widow, gorgeous fur and
eyes, in need of a good
home. Call (450) 987-6543
to adopt.
ENTREPRENEURIAL
TRAINING for toddlers
- get a headstart on their
careers, while you’re at
work on your own! Chomedey district. (450) 9876543.
LOWEST PRICES IN
TOWN! No-Frills Airline
Inc. Come fly with our
highly qualified student
pilots. New bring-yourown-fuel option for added
savings! Visit our site:
www.triptohell.andback.
UNBELIEVABLE
WEIGHT LOSS BREAKTHROUGH! Patent pending on innovative doctor-supported program of
eating less and exercising
more. Call (450) 521-4222
or visit www.duh.qc.ca.
DO-IT-YOURSELF COSMETIC SURGERY! Take
this cool internet course
towards a REAL DIPLOMA, and save $$ on your
self-improvement procedures. Call now!! 1-888999-9999.
ZEN FINANCIAL PLANNING SERVICES INC.
Call us to learn to go with
the flow... while making
money! No need to retire
on a monk’s savings. Call
now!! 1-800-999-9999.
CAN’T QUIT YOUR
COFFEE HABIT? New
therapy dispenses wonderful pure caffeine through
groundbreaking new
patch. Set yourself free
with the Caffetine Patch!
1-888-911-9111.
BE A STAR! It’s time for
you to become a star. We
can help with your dream.
World’s biggest casting
agency can help you. You
give us your money and
we will find producers that
need cash and are willing
to give you a small part.
More money you give the
biggest part you will get.
Talent is not an issue. Your
money is. For more information send us an email
at buyourstardomtoday@
yahoo.ca
THE LATEST TREND
IN LANDSCAPING. Our
company will etch crop circles right into your lawn.
Take your landscaping
right out of this world!
699-9992.
THE LORD OF THE
SPRINGS MATTRESS
FACTORY Your quest
for a good night’s sleep is
over! Sleep like a hobbit.
450-699-9992.
HALLOWE’EN CANDY
CLEARANCE! Seaweed
lollipops, turnip chews,
fruit flavored beef jerky.
Try our best seller - chocolate covered ants. Kids love
‘em! 450-987-6543.
LET THE EXOTIC
FRAGRANCE OF OUR
HANDMADE GOAT’S
CHEESE SOAP overwhelm you with its timeless aroma. Bulk quantities
available, call (450) 9876543 to order.
BURIED TREASURE ALL OVER LAVAL! Our
maps will lead you straight
to the motherlode. Barbe
Noir Inc. (800) 999-9999
to order.
STUDENTS! WORK/
STUDY OPPORTUNITY
IN COLUMBIA! Working in a drug cartel has
its benefits: get up late,
set your own hours, make
lots of $$$, and we hardly
ever have to shoot anyone.
Plus, soak in Columbia’s
serene natural beauty. (800)
999-9999.
POLITICALLY CORRECT SURVIVAL KIT!
Don’t leave home without
it. $19.99 plus S&H. (450)
987-6543.
NOTARY EXPERT IN
PET INHERITANCES will
help you draw up a will
leaving everything to your
most faithful companion.
(450) 987-6543.
SNAG THE HOTTEST
GIFT THIS SEASON!
Trading cards featuring
all of Canada’s most popular politicians. From the
mysterious Chrétien legacy card to “New Look”
Charest - collect them all!
1-800-999-9999, while
quantities last.
April 14th - we’ll vote for
the party of your choice...
early and often! (450) 2222222
PROTECTIVE GEAR
FOR PEDESTRIANS state-of-the-art impact
resistant body armour.
Perfect for walking the
dog or taking the stroller around the block, now
that right turns on red
have become legal in Laval.
(450) 987-6543
AIRPLANE TICKET TO
TORONTO FOR SALE name your price. Please!
I’ll throw in a gas mask.
(450) 987-6543
MYSTERY MEAT DELICACIES INC. Succulent smoked spam, organ
mélange and all your favorites. Suprise packs available! Call (450) 987-6543
for a location near you.
DIVORCE BOOT CAMP.
Don’t take it lying down
- get mad, and get even!
Extreme exercise, meditation, healthy eating and
even primal scream therapy are all part of the process - you’ll come out looking so good, you’ll make
your ex jealous! www.
divorcebootcamp.com
BEST GARAGE SALE
- EVER. Malfunctioning exercise equipment,
mouldy magazines from
1952, obscure LPs, signs
from the 1995 referendum and an incredibly
well-maintained collection of slightly used toothbrushes. Multifamily sale
corner Notre-Dame &
St-Elzéar.
GOTTA GET AWAY?
Gorgeous timeshare on
Three Mile Island. Forget
“nuclear nightmare” - after
two decades of decontamination, we are ready to
PARTY! www.vacationmeltdown.com
ULTIMATE SPAM/
HACKER PROTECTION Our firewall actually
shoots flames at anyone
who tries to breach your
security. Call FIREBALL
FIREWALLS at 450-9999999.
BORED OF THE RINGS?
Harbour a hatred for hobbits? We can help. LOTR
self-help group meets on
Wed. nights. (450) 5992212
SHOW YOUR SUPPORT
for National Hot Dog Day!
To purchase banners, posters or buttons for this
important event, visit
www.hotdog1.com
SEE YOURSELF ON THE
BIG SCREEN! 200 accomplished mimes to work
as extras for blockbuster
movie. Call (450) 599-2212
for casting call details.
WHO CARES WHAT
THE CRITICS SAY!
Pre-order the Gigli Deluxe
Edition DVD now, and get
up to 100% off! www.giglisucks.com
SUPER OFF-ROAD
NOTRE-DAME: PLAY
THE VIDEO GAME that’s
sweeping the city. Dodge
potholes, drivers who don’t
signal and construction
workers as you try to reach
highway 13 in one piece.
Call (800) 999-9999 to
order!.
BE E C OM E
AN
EGGSELENT SPELER.
Grate softwear that helps
beld a strongr vokabularie.
Call 450-999-9999 to find
out mohr.
PLEASE HELP! VW BUG,
lost in a pothole on Souvenir near Labelle in Chomedey. $$ Reward if found
(girlfriend still inside!)
987-6543.
EDGE OF YOUR SEAT
ACTION at the World
Marble Championship
playoffs, April 1-15. Call
999-6543 for details and
tickets to the hottest show
in town!
STAND-IN VOTERS
INC. Let us help you out on
ARE YOU DEEP IN
CREDIT CARD DEBT?
We can help with our
state of the art exploding
credit cards. Stop your
bad spending habits at the
source! www.explodingcredit.com
or the birth of your first
grandchild. Watch for our
new OCTOPUSGRAM!
Laval only, call 450-9876543.
LUXURIOUS
FUR
UNDIES! Get ‘em while
they’re hot, limited quantities. Visit Furry Murray’s
at www.furrymurrays.biz
LOOKING FOR MY
BROTHER, Paddy O’Furniture. We were separated
in 1962. Please call (450)
683-1111.
TRY THE EGGNOG
DIET: All the frothy holiday beverage you can handle, just in time for the
holidays - you’ll be so
nauseous, you won’t want
to eat anything else. Call
1-800-999-9999 to send
for our free info booklet,
just $5 + s&h.
OK, IT’S THE HOLIDAYS... so we’ve decided
to make the fake ad contest
easy for you. Happy holidays to all of our readers,
and here’s to a healthy
and successful 2004! Yours
truly, The Chomedey News
and Nouvelles Parc Extension staff and management.
OUR ULTRA-MODERN
CUSTOM CLOSETS are
so advanced they actually incinerate unwanted Christmas gifts, pants
that don’t fit well and old
handbags you’ve kept too
long. Visit www.incineratingclosets.ca!
COLLECTOR’S EDITION LAVAL METRO
PASSES. Pre-order yours
today - although there’s
no guarantee you’ll ever
get to use it. Only $172.35
plus tax. www.metlav.qc.ca
FIESTY VIXEN, just 89
years old, seeking to meet
outgoing, hardbodied male
18-28. Send photo, c/o Personals, The Chomedey
News, 657 Curé-Labelle,
#250, H7V 2T8.
JOIN US IN CELEBRATING The Chomedey News
Fake Ad Contest’s two
year anniversary by buying this special hardcover
collection of gag ads - 734
pages, colour pictures, just
$59.99 plus tax. Click on
www.chomedeynews.ca/
fakeadcollection!
TASTELESS WEDDING
PLANNERS INC. The people behind the Liza Minnelli-David Gest nuptials,
the planned Bennifer ceremony and all eight of Elizabeth Taylor’s unions - what
a track record. Let the professionals start you off on a
lifetime of happiness with
your hubby or honey - call
1-800-911-9111 right away!
WHO WANTS TO BE A
THOUSAND-AIRE? Local
trivia buffs won’t want to
miss their chance to battle
it out on this brand-new
Chomedey television show.
Send your audition video
to 1000 1000th Avenue, #1,
in Chomedey.
LACKLUSTER LIBIDO?
Sex life limping along? Try
HIAGRA, our amazing
homemade herbal elixir.
Call 450-999-9999 for our
stimulating supplement!
NEW GOV’T SPONSORED environment initiative aims to promote
green space growth by
getting a chia pet on every
desk in Laval. Visit www.
chialaval.qc.ca to get a
little piece of nature for
your office!
SPECIAL OCCASION?
SEND A GORILLAGRAM!! Perfect for grandmas’ eighty-fifth birthday
ULTRA NEW CROSSBREED, Bull Mastiff-Yorkie puppies! Tough, muscular little dogs with smooth,
silky hair. Who needs a
Cockapoo or a spoodle go Bullie!! Call 999-9999...
they’re going fast!
GRACIOUS WATERFRONT ESTATE, elegant
and well maintained. Boathouse, conservatory, furnished. Slightly haunted
- motivated vendor! Call
RHODA RUEN REALTIES
at 450-999-9999.
STAND-IN VOTERS
INC. Let us help you out
on June 28th - we’ll send
someone in your stead to
vote for the party of your
choice... early and often!
(450) 222-2222
MORE
ELECTION
PROMISES than you know
what to do with? We buy
political pledges, new and
old, and refurbish them
for other interested parties. We pay more than
anyone else - and that’s a
promise. Visit www.promisespromises.ca
One night only - THE
LAVAL INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL! Rub
shoulders with the likes
of De Niro, Tarantino,
Moore... the sky’s the limit.
Special “L d’Or” award to
be announced, visit www.
lavalfilm.com
IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE
YEAR... Weary moms are
invited to kick up their
heels at our annual ‘Back
to School Bash’! Sept. 16,
1 p.m., Chomedey Community Center. Dads welcome too.
GRAND OPENING of
the Awful Poetry Café
and Podiatry Clinic on
October 1st. Everyone is
welcome! Call 999-9199
for more info.
PLEASE HELP US FIND
OUR PET! Beautiful Black
Mamba snake, dark olive
scales, about 9 ft. long.
Rarely bites, not very venomous. Answers to George.
Call (450) 996-2103.
PERSONAL PSYCHIC
WANTED. You know
where to apply.
CHEMISTRY & COCKTAIL SET. Make your
favorite concoctions in the
comfort of your home: cosmopolitan - arsenic - gin &
tonic, plastic - wine coolers - asbestos - and more!
$49.95, www.don’tbuythis.com
WHO NEEDS SNOW
REMOVAL! Electrify your
front yard and driveway for
easy melting all through
winter. Not recommended for households with
pets. Visit www.zingerdriveway.com
FAMILY VALUES! Lost,
sometime in the late 60’s
till sometime last week,
our society’s family values.
If you find them please
write to LOST & FOUND
VALUES P.O. Box 666,
Parliament Drive, House
of Commons, Canada.
MOVING CAN BE FUN
Are you planning to move
soon? If yes we will show
you how to do it yourself
cheaper. Are well trained
moving consultants will
give you all the advice you
need to make your move
easier and friendlier. You
will learn how to prepare
for unfortunate incidents
such as you brand new
bedroom set arriving in
100 pieces... The truck not
arriving in time... The rate
asked is triple of what you
signed for... and last but
not least your brand new
furniture has been shipped
somewhere in Tanzania.
Send 39.95 plus shipping
and handling of $15 for our
moving program ``MOVING CAN BE FUN``. 1234
Movers drive. Chicago Illinois. 50340-556
THE BEST SNOWREMOVAL Winter is over
and spring is here... Our
dedicated professional staff
is ready to clean your driveway from the unwanted
white stuff. For pricing
inquiries check snowremoval.biz.net
CHOMEDEY - 6½, broken floors, not heated, with
roof leaking, cockroaches, rats and other lovely
rodents. Offered to the
highest bidder. Apply in
person. You know where.
Montreal Are you
looking to save money
in auto parts. One email
and we will get the part
you want within 24 hours.
We have our teams near
all parking malls ready to
“borrow” the car that has
the parts you need. Email:
johny@autopartsborrowed.com
STOP CUTTING YOUR
GRASS This year throw
that lawnmower away. Our
team of experts will do it
all for you and for free. Call
Mrs Brown Moo or Mr.
White Beh at 1800-MooBeh.
COMMUNICATE WITH
ALIENS Get prepared for
any Alien encounter. Our
specialists will teach you
all the dialects you need
to know in order to prevent
being fried or vaporized
like in “WAR OF THE
WORLDS”. Call 1-450254-6855.
OIL IN SPACE Become
the next oil tycoon. Now
is your chance to tap in the
new findings of our ACME
SPACE CORPORATION.
Our scientists have found a
way to extract oil substance
from the Moon. To receive
your Financial prospectus
send your banking info
at getrichwithoil@acmespacecorp.com
DIPLOMAS FOR YOU.
Don’t waste your time
going to school. For a
small fee you will receive
at home the Diploma of
your choice. Also available
preschool, and elementary
diplomas. Will accept payment with digimon cards.
Enquire today write at Too
Lazy to go to school. 711
Skip class Avenue. 124567
Tampa Florida.
WE WILL CLEAN YOU
UP. If you have no time
to clean up your house,
no worry. Our experts in
break and entering will be
glad to do it for you. Special
handling for folks that have
lots of good stuff..E-mail
Tyronne at cleaningupservices@jailhouserock.com
TURKEY FOR SALE. Turkey partially eaten. Only
9 days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $19 or
best offer Call Arnie at
1-888-Turkeys.
Candidates for Hire.
With a federal election on
our way, our clients (various political federal parties) are looking for good
looking people to fill in
already doomed ridings.
You must not have a criminal record anywhere in
the world. Losers in the
recent municipal elections
most welcome. Email politiciansforhire@Communicationsredbluegreenyellow.com
Our herd of animals will
do it the nature way. You
can choose from sheep,
chickens and for those big
areas bull’s (poop). Warning not to be confused with
what politicians promise
before an election... Send
e-mail to poopthatgrass@
poopers.com
Santa Claus Uniforms
Federal election candidates make your holiday
canvassing a success. We
will sell you Santa Claus
and Mrs Clause uniforms
for your door to door and
shopping mall canvassing. You may also work in
front of a department store
to collect “donations” for
your campaign. Included
Free vocal lessons tape for
your to improve your ho
ho ho. Send your money
order of $99.99 to Santa
Claus Uniforms for Federal Elections. North Pole,
Hoh Hoh.
CleanSweep is this
new and amazing cleaning device which detects
dust, prints and grime.
Press on the start button
and it’ll make your floors,
walls and windows spotless! For a free evaluation
of this incredible product,
call 1-832-555-1212. Give
it a try!
Replacement voters This Federal Election
you do not need to go out
and vote. We will do it for
you. Our trained staff will
gladly replace you at the
polling station. Elections
2006 Me and my familia in
Tihuana Mejiko are ready
to vote for you
Do you have great night
vision? Able to fit down a
chimney in a jiffy? Don’t
mind cold nights and are
free December 24th? If
you answered yes to these
questions then I’ve got the
job for you! Excellent benefits! Work just one night a
year! Send resume to: Santa
Claus, 1 Santa Blvd. North
Pole, H0H 0H0.
LOSERS ANONYMOUS.
If you were a candidate in
the recent federal election and you lost, do not
worry. You are not alone.
Our organisation will help
you to deal with it. John
Turner and Kim Campel
are among our successful
alumni. For more infornation email administration@losersanonymous.ca
Valentine for Hire.
This Valentine don’t celebrate alone. Our Professionals romantic escorts
our here for you. We have
all nationalities all genders
and all creatures. email at
ineedyouforvalentineday@
valentinesforhire.com.
Wanted: Olympic
Hockey team to be able to
sate, pass,and score. Apply
to 514-555-5555.
Looking for a used
car? Why get cheated elsewhere. Come to Sleazy Joe’s
where you will regret buying a car.Franchises available. Call 1-832-555-1212.
WANTED: Moody,
indecisive candidate to
replace former Parti Quebecois minister Pauline
Marois. Experience with
losing bids to become party
leaders needed. If YOU
are experienced at angering large amounts of the
population and creating
dysfunctional daycare systems, we want you! Apply
to (514) 555-5555.
Lrg 8¾ rm hse in LVL, 4½
b/d/r, 1 very lrg l/r, 1 bsmt
l/r, 2 bt/rms with lrg fr/ yd
and abv s/p in bk/y call for
ap/tm /514/555/5555.
Natural Fertilizers: We have the solution
for your landscaping. No
need to buy fertilizers.
All new Smoking
inspector identification
DETECTOR for sale as
of May 31, fast and easy
installation, a must have
for all FULL service restaurants and other public
establishments. For free
demonstration using certified true to life inspector simulations, make an
online appointment at
www.smokeemifugotem.
com
Protect yourself
from home invasions. We
will close up and seal your
doors and windows and
build you an escape tunnel
along the city sewer system.
Guaranteed secure against
any potential home invaders, for an appointment
log on to: www.mastersealit.com.
International soccer referees for hire. They
will sit with you on your
couch in front of your wide
screen. Guaranteed not
to miss a single offside or
illegal tackle. You will feel
as if you were on the field,
in Germany at the World
cup. Preview your ref on
our web site: neverwrongrefs.com
Perfect holiday
snap shots. Tired of having thumb in the lens photographs of your vacation?
We have the solution for
you: we will provide a complete set of snaps shots of
your perfect vacation. The
set is available as soon as
George, Voula and family are back in town. This
amazing set will be photoshoped to mach your
family’s features as close
as possible. Reserve now
visit us at www.pictureitsbygeorg.com
This summer Koolit
will cool you down. Amazing but true. Developped
by a team of experts in
Congo, the Koolit is a food
supplement that you take
every day and it keeps you
cool as if you were living in
a temperature of 20 degrees
Celsius. 2 supplements and
you go down to 17 degrees.
Mail orders only. Send
email to thissummeriwillbecool@koolit.com.
This fall you do not
need to go to school. Many
of our clients are in big corporations and sit in Government… Just choose the
field you want to work in
and we will send you your
diploma. For a little extra
you will get great reference
letters, copy of appropriate
awards and if you provide
a portrait photo we will
send you photos of you in
front of corporations where
you worked… Email your
request to sendmemydiplomasnow@impostors.com.
EDGE OF YOUR SEAT
ACTION at the World
Marble Championship
playoffs, September 31st.
Call 999-6543 for details
and tickets to the hottest
show in town!
Put a stop to airport
security harassment. Yes
you read right. We have the
solution the next time you
travel by air. Our Scientists
have perfected a chemical
solution that will transform your face into that
of George Bush…No more
waiting in line, taking off
your shoes, your belt etc…
You will pass through like
a ghost. Just say if asked
that you are lost and you
are looking for your secret
service detail. They will
believe you.You will look
like a Bush, talk like a
Bush and if you prolong
the treatment you will
start thinking like a Bush.
For more details email
bushalikesolution@akme.
comAnd now for all those
masochists we have the
Ben Laden solution… at
iambenladen@akme.com
Lost somewhere in
Vimont, my lovely pet
Charlie.He is a 500 pounds
lion (230 kgs) and 10 feet
in length.If you see him
call me ASAP at 450333-1212.Warning do not
approach him because he
may be hungry...
Found Charlie. On
Thanksgiving day I visited Park Safari with my
family. As we were heading to the lions cage, my
son pointed at one of the
lions. It was Charlie. He
found new friends and
seemed happy to be among
his kind.
A must have Amazing
snow removal item. Snow
Wrap. Invented in total
secrecy somewhere in the
world, this amazing cellophane sheet is the solution
for your snow removal.
Just lay it down on the
surfaces that you do not
want to shovel and the
Snow Wrap will evaporate
in thin air all the snow
this winter. Comes in all
sizes and colours. Only $1
a sq. ft For info send email
at amazingsnowwrap@
inventions2006
We have the answer to
your recent property evaluation increase. For a flat
fee of $95.99 our computer
management experts will
‘change’ your increase by
only 9%. For more info
email at reducemyevaluationnow@computertakeovers.moldavia.com
Notice is hereby given
that we, the beavers of the
Laurentians, demand that
the Harper government
pass a motion in the House
of Commons that Laurentian Beavers form a nation
of their own within Canada. This notice is given
on November 30th 2006.
Renting for the winter, owner gone south.
Located in quiet area next
to a parc, great view of the
river and good distance
from local stray cat. Ideal
for scavengers: fast food
restaurant at ground level.
Must see, tree #150, 000
boul Curé-Labelle branch
#23.
This holiday season
our hair salon is very busy
and is looking for hairdressers. Experience not
necessary. Lawnmower
and landscaping experience welcomed. For the
job present yourself to 1111
Robert Bourassa Avenue
and ask for Louise.
Time is running short
and our client(a political
party)is looking for people that have free time
which names will be
used in public and faces
will be plastered all over
for others to see. Well
groomed, with unstained
teeth and seniors with
new dentures will be preferred.Also depending
on demand we encourage candidates of all ethnic
backgrounds especially
visible minorities.Special
consideration will be given
to school commisioners,
and municipal councillors.
Please email your CV and
a recent photo of yourself at electioncandidatesforhire@hiring.com
JOIN US IN CELEBRATING The Fake Ad Contest’s five year anniversary. Visit our website, we
have put together a list of
our best fake ads for you
to enjoy.(ps. this is the
fake ad)
Travelers PLEASE
HELP!!! If you are a Time
Traveler from Dimension
D1263GT10, year 2008 or
Dimension D2044GT5,
year 2432 and or in possession of the Dimensional Warp Generator wrist
watch, the Carbon Copy
Replica model #52 4350
series or similar technology I need your help! My
entire life and health has
been messed with by evil
beings! I simply need the
safest method of transferring my consciousness or
returning to my younger self with my current
mind/memory. I need an
advanced time traveler
to work with who can
help me, I’d would prefer
someone with access to
teleportation as well as a
variety different types of
time travel. This is not a
joke! I am serious! Please
send a separate email to
me at: spacedoutintime@
timeit.com if you can help!
Thanks
Lost a political candidate, somewhere in
the area of Budgetroad
and Policyway. Reward
offered: pass to head of
the line at local hospital
emergency room. If candidate found in good mood,
please call any of our three
green parties; otherwise
call moneybags Flaherty.
Caribbean branch
of advertising agency is
looking for ad scam artist.
Must have experience and
have made front page of
newspaper in country of
origin. Candidate must be
willing to work side by side
with Jean Lafleur, if we
can find him. Send CV to
scamsareus@costarica.cr
The Federation For
Aliens Rights (regrouping all Alien associations
outside the Milky way
Galaxy) will hold their
general assembly this coming Sunday Alien year
22207 (earth year 2007) at
the usual time and usual
underground convention
center. The main topic of
this assembly is: The right
of Aliens to participate in
various earthly sporting
events and their right to
use their zappers to win
the tournaments. For more
information send your
telepathic thoughts to your
local leaders.
Me and my family of
5 will be happy to ea..,
sorry cut your grass and
cra. Sorry fertilize it. Send
me an email: mooingyourlawn@cowws.com.
On special this week,
dandelion eating critter for
rent, comes with own cage
crittersthatwork@ perfectolawn.com.
SINGLE
W HITE
FEMALE with black spots
seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl
who LOVES to play. I
love long walks in the
woods, riding in your
pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying
by the fire. Candlelight
dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll
be at the front door when
you get home from work,
wearing only what nature
gave me. Call (404) 4044040 and ask for Daisy,
I’ll be waiting....
Are you jealous of your
neighbours beautiful and
expensive pave way? You
do not have the money to
do the same. No worry.
Holographic pavement
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all to see even if its not real.
Only you will know that it
does not exist. Everyone
else will believe that they
are walking on a beautiful
expensive paveway. For a
demonstration go to www.
virtualpaveways.com.
Heat wave? Learn
how to bring down your
body temperature. Ancient
Maya technic will enable
you to be cool and dry
even at 50 degrees celcius.
Inquiries: areyoujokingme@coolmail.
Tan all you wish with
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pill SUNTANS UNLIMITED will keep you in the
sun as long you want with
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order for your 100 tablet
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CAN’T
QU I T
YOURCOFFEE HABIT?
Newtherapy dispenses
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LOWEST PRICES IN
TOWN! No-Frills Airline
Inc. Come fly with our
highly qualified student
pilots. New bring-yourown-fuel option for added
savings! Call (450) 2232222 to book your trip.
Now you can eat your
greasy french fries, full
of fat hot dogs, all the
junk food that you like
and drink liters of liquids full of sugar without health complications.
ACME Laboratories has
developed the TRANSFAT Eliminator pill. This
amazing pill destroys all
the transfat from the junk
food and replaces it with
vitamins and minerals you
need. For your free sample
e-mail transfatleminator@
acme.com
The black bears and
grizzlies association of
northern Quebec is holding a food raising event
this Sunday at your local
garbage dump to collect
food for bears in need
hibernating in the tundra.
let your best friend dine
alone; all can now enjoy
the company of a valentine: For lease, all shapes
and sizes, genders and
ages, hairy or furry, dogs
or cats. See our selection
at: petleasing .com
Beat the traffic and
roadwork. Use our mobile
patent pending TRANSPORTER ROOM for all
your needs. Imagine from
your house to the office
in 5 seconds. Note: side
effects include separation
of body parts, brain tissue
and lost in space. Free
for the first 1000 orders.
Order yours at trafficsolution@transporterroom.ca
Join the Ile-Paton
Liberation Movement.
If Kosovo can do it, so
can we! Tired of paying
taxes to Canada, Quebec
and Laval, school taxes,
business taxes and sales
taxes? Only 50 signatures
needed before we present
our request to the United
Nations. Your tax savings
in the country of Ile-Paton,
will be sufficient to pay
your condo fees and have
plenty left for your $1.20/
litre fill-up. Signatures
will be accepted on our
website: www.ilepatonnation.com
Transform your
four season tires to winter tires. Yes now you can
do it with our amazing
Winter Tire Formula. Just
open your tire valves and
put 10 drops of our Winter
Tire Formula. When winter comes your summer
tires will grip on snow and
ice thanks to our amazing
formula that transforms
the adherence of tires. For
your supply e-mail your
credit card info to us.
From the inventors
that gave you the TIRE
TRANSFORMATION formula now comes a new
revolutionary lotion.
GORILLA HAIR. Yes this
amazing lotion made with
Gorilla DNA will give you
back your hair in all the
places you lost it. Hurry
limited time before FDA
and Health Canada stops
us. Email your usual info
at transformance@gorillahair.com
Snow Removal : This
winter trust our team of
“removal” experts for your
snow and other belongings. Call The Winter B&E
team. Our slogan: “If it has
value it will be removed”.
For free estimates call
1-889-B&E Team
Stop frying your
brain to stop your various addictions and emotional problems. From the
folks that brought you
TIRE TRANSFORMATION FORMULA and
GORILLA HAIR now
comes MAGIC LIQUIDS.
Try our yellow Magic Liquid to Stop Smoking, our
red Magic Liquid to Stop
Cursing, our blue Magic
Liquid to Stop Feeling Blue
our brown Magic Liquid to
Stop Constipation and our
special green Magic Liquid
to Stop Being Poor. Check
our website for details.
www.magicliquids.com
Very affordable
and convenient “Portable Smoking Booth” now
available. Comes with AC
and Heating, folds up to
the size of a briefcase,
financing available. Visit
us at: www.smokimifyougothem.com
Do you believe in magic?
How you ever thought to
getting rid of your mother in-law, and that mean
colleague at work? Have
you ever thought of traveling without hassles and
without paying. Now you
can. Our internet course
“Become a Magician” will
give you all the powers
you wish you had. Register today at hocuspocusschool@magic.com.
Tutorials available
This valentine, don’t
Are you fed up with
snow removal crews
throwing the snow on
your property? Our specialized security guards
will protect your property
from such situations. Also
special rates from protecting you from your mother in-law or your ex. Call
us SECURWHATEVER
1-899-9999-8888
Hear a crack coming
from your roof? Afraid
that it will collapse from
the weight of the recent
snowfall? Don’t panic, the
city has provided its residents a melting device
called the Hot Air Blower. CALL 811 to reserve,
a clerk is ready to ship
out the Blower to fly over
your house and melt your
fears away.
LOWEST PRICES IN
TOWN! No-Frills Airline Inc. Come fly with
our highly qualified student pilots. New bringyour-own-fuel option for
added savings! Call 1-8999999-8888 to book your
next trip.
Send your CV at hiring@
expertpoliticians.org
Forget the iphone.
Innovation Worldwide
Industries have developed
the new mphone. Packages include free incoming
calls, free text messaging,
free internet, free everything. No monthly fees.
You buy our phone and
is ready to use around
the world. Only $9 999.
To order send email at
mphone@innovationworldwideindustriesinc
Are you fed up with
erroneous weather predictions. For up to the minute
precise weather forecasts,
call the True Weatherman
at 1-887-212 1212.
ULTIMATE SPAM/
HACKER PROTECTION Our firewall actually shoots flames at anyone who tries to breach
your security. Call FIREBALL FIREWALLS at 450999-9999.
We are looking for
lazy, hazy, sunny summer
days. Willing to barter,
one shovel of last winter’s
snow for each hour of sunshine. We will foot the bill
for delivery. E-mail us at:
thesunisneeded@oursummer.downthedrain
Calling all readers,
search no further, this is
you fake ad. We are celebrating our anniversary this month. We have
been around for 15 years
and have tried to bring
you fake ads to make you
laugh, smirk, ponder or
just think twice about how
ridiculous news items may
some times sound from a
different point of view.
Trained Eagle will
put up your candidates
poster higher than your
opponents. No ladders, no
lost hammers to expense.
Visit our web site at postedbyEagle.vote
It’s camp time again.
If you want to be known
and see your photo on
every tree available no
better way than to become
a candidate for a political
party. Our instructors will
teach all the ins and outs
of politics. Don’t forget
many political parties at
all levels will be looking
for you by the time camp
ends. For information call
1-899-333-3333
Want to get rid of your
political opponents posters? Call us,our trained
squirrels will chew them
up. 1-889-212-2121
Spring is here. Get rid
of all your bad insects with
our trained suffelecopus.
Lots of experience from
SESAME STREET. Call
Big Bird at 123-456-7890
Candidates for rent
: Now that the Federal
elections are over we have
more than 700 names you
can chose from for your
provincial or municipal
party. For more information email: candidatesforhire@various-elections.
com
Gas prices too high?
Time to convert your car
to a water fuel automobile.
Our unique technology
saves you a bundle. Send
now for our 5000 pages
book “How to convert your
car” And you will soon be
using tap water for fuel.
Please note conversion will
take 150 hours from your
mechanic. Call 1-899-9998888 for your book today.
Are client is looking
to hire a bright individual.
Must be fully bilingual,
should have knowledge of
International affairs, and
thinks before he speaks.
Must be married with
spouse with no connections whatsoever with
motorcycles, bikes, tricycles, roller blades groups.
Worried about your
RRSP,s, and mutual funds.
Grab the opportunity and
invest today in outer space
property futures: 300%
return. For more info and
a free brochure e-mail
us at hoax@spaceproperties.com.
HALLOWE’EN IS OVER,
stock up for next year at
our CANDY CLEARANCE Sale! Seaweed lollipops, turnip chews, fruit
flavored beef jerky. Try our
best seller - chocolate covered ants. Kids love ‘em!
1-889-212-2121.
December 15 is just
around the corner and
you will soon have to get
them ... winter tires that is.
We have an alternative for
you. “Super Spray” your 4
season tires and camouflage them so they look
like “Winter Tires”. Call
us for super fast delivery
at 1-889-212-2121.
The Ultimate getaway! Break away from
it all; for $50 million dollars cdn, book your 1
week alll-inclusive stay
on planet UB313 located
on Kuiper belt, recently
discovered by a Canadian
astronomer, this amazing
deal is for Canadian residents only. Booking now
for flights starting in 2015!
visit www.ultimatespacegetaway.com
Are you “fed up” with
your current job, under
paid, no future? Send your
C.V. to the Prime Minister’s Office and become a
Senator.
New Year’s resolutions hard to keep? Are
you already frustrated this
year? Our experts have
developed a solution that
will keep you happy all
year long: The amnesia
pill, Not approved by
Health Canada, but guaranteed to work. E-mail
us at manuel@perfectsolotions.com for a years
supply of this fast relief
solution.
OUR ULTRA-MODERN
CUSTOM CLOSETS are
so advanced they actually incinerate unwanted Christmas gifts, pants
that don’t fit well and old
handbags you’ve kept too
long. Visit www.incineratingclosets.ca!
Is your aim slightly off,
does your heart long for
that amazing creature in
the next office? Hire Cupid
by ACME, to fulfill your
Valentine’s Day wishes.
Our Cupid will target the
love of your life, causing
him or her to fall deeply
in love with you. Call us to
reserve yours for that special day at 1-889-212-2121.
ARE YOU DEEP IN
CREDIT CARD DEBT?
We can help with our
state of the art exploding
credit cards. Stop your
bad spending habits at the
source! www.explodingcreditcards.needs
Prepare for the
future. Numerology is
the answer. Our experts
have developed math
equations to predict the
future. Packages are available for one week, month,
year and lifetime predictions. Send your request
at info@iwanttoknow.com
BEST GARAGE SALE
- EVER. Malfunctioning exercise equipment,
mouldy magazines from
1952, obscure LPs, signs
from the 1995 referendum and an incredibly
well-maintained collection of slightly used
toothbrushes. Multifamily
sale corner Notre-Dame &
St-Elzéar.
Are white worms
invading your grass? Call
Worm Eaters. Our trained
mutant anteaters will love
to eat your worms. Ask
for our 2 for 1 Mother’s
Day special. Call 1-866888-8888
I lost my hare near Cité
de la Santé. Already found
over 100 of his friends but
not my hare. Please call
me if you find mine he
likes to eat tender budding flowers like tulips
and crocuses.
Visionaries needed
to work in our new plant.
Be part of the team that
will be building the new
FEB cars. The FEB car is
a state of the art Flexible
Electrical Bubble car. It
uses the same technology as the tornado resistant glass windows, thus
does not dent or chatter
on impact. Finally, it runs
on electrical power. Please
sign up at myfebcar.work
Acme Electronic SUN. Now available
direct from the R & D
department of the ACME
company. Fed up looking
through the curtains of
rain that besets us currently, desperate to get some
sunshine, call us at 1-8962323. We will install your
personal 300 foot radius
Electronic Sun.
STOP CUTTING YOUR
GRASS This year throw
that lawnmower away.
Our team of experts will
do it all for you and for
free. Call Mrs. Brown
Moo or Mr. White Beh at
1800-Moo-Beh.
Our client- a municipal party- is looking for
candidates to fill up its
roaster. You must have
a clean criminal record
and look good in photos.
Saying yes to the party’s
leader is mandatory. Must
be willing to bear the party
colours on their face at all
times. Living in the area
is not necessary because
the party will provide you
with a temporary local
address. Send your c.v.:
candidates@municipalparty.org
20/20 vision at your
fingertips. Why pay over
$1000 for eye laser correction, when with our
accessible laser beam you
can have almost 20/20 for
only $99! The laser comes
in 2 colors, red or green.
Although outlawed to use
them on incoming airplanes, it’s good enough*
for eye correction. E-mail
us for your order at www.
eyecorrlaser.com. Don’t
delay, limited quantity;
discounts for 2 or more.
The most affordable eye
laser correction technology available on earth!
*(read fine print on package).
Fall is upon us and
winter around the corner, keep yourself warm
with InsuloHome. Body
shaped flexible clear plastic bubble wrap inflates to
wrap around you to keep
you feeling warm as if
you never left your home.
While qualities last. Order
on www.insulohome.net
Election blues. Did
you lose your election. Our
specialist team of psychologists will try to take you
out of your depression
state. Free 15 minute consultation. Only 65¢ per
minute extra. Call 1-875222-2222.
Get ready for 2012, our
experts will assess your
house and tell you how to
get ready. Call today Call
1-875-222-2222.
You’ve heard of diet
cookies, shakes, bars,
soups and diet pills. How
about No Diet diet? In one
week, we promise you will
lose minimum 25 pounds
and get the deep sleep you
dreamed of. Call us NOW
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This holiday season take a cruise full of
adventure. PERILL Cruses We offer the ultimate
adventure cruise along
the pirate-infested coast
of Somalia. Bring aboard
your weapon arsenal or
rent among ours: AK47,
Barrett M-107 50, or the
latest RPG grenade launchers. Customer Testimonials: “Six attacks in 4 days
were more than I expected. I bagged three pirates,
my wife nailed two, and
my 12-year old son sank
two boats with the minigun.” John Marksman;
“This wonderful cruise
was fun for the whole
family, pirates and more
pirates.” Peter Gunright.
For reservations email
info@perillcruise.com.
WHO NEEDS SNOW
REMOVAL! Electrify your
front yard and driveway for
easy melting all through
winter. Not recommended
for households with pets.
Visit www.zingerdriveway.
com(Fake Ad)
Enjoy being slim! Lose
weight & Save Money. No
need to spend so much on
shakes, herbs, weigh-ins,
meetings, cookies, bars.
Our surgical interns will
suture your mouth shut in
only 5 minutes. Safe procedure. For more information visit us www.noeatfood.com. (Fake Ad)
Hi My name is David I am
32 years old very healthy,
6’ 4” 210, magazine model,
blue eyes, blonde hair. I
love romantic candle dinners which I prepare for
your palette. After that
as we listen to soft music
I will give you a massage
to relax your muscles.I love
to clean the house and do
all the house chores. I just
want you to be the queen
of my life and I will be at
your service. We will take
romantic walks and travel
six times a year where you
want to go. We will cruise
the Caribbean and we
will stop at Saint-Thomas
where I will pamper you
with jewelry. Email me at
david@inyourdreams.com
(Fake Ad)
Open house – Chomedey. Sunday 1AM- 4AM,
Waterfront property, open
concept (no exterior walls),
close to transportation and
schools. Strategically located under the north-west
side of Pont-Lachapelle.
Flash light recommended
for visit.
Recently laid off,
now looking for work.
Relatively fast and efficient worker, likes working
with kids in a festive work
environment. Can bring
a smile to anyone’s face.
Good looking and great
white furry ears. Would
take any clerical work as
long as it is on a green
lawn. Call me, my name
is Easter Bunny or see my
CV. at www.easterbunnyoutofwork.helpme
Recently sold my
husband, looking for new
worker to do spring cleaning. Part time only. Must
be able to recognize dusty
areas, clean them, and
report back without a beer
in hand. Must do windows without drawing the
neighbor”s wife’s picture
on them and report back
without a glass of wine in
hand. Must be able to see
the difference between
garbage and my favorite
cactus and through away
same, not the cactus! Send
your CV to springblues@
mustclean.soon
NHL hockey referees
for hire. They will sit with
you on your couch in front
of your wide screen. Guaranteed not to miss a single
high stick or holding. You
will feel as if you were on
the ice, in Pittsburgh or at
the Bell Centre. Preview
your ref on our web site:
neverwrongmyrefs.com
New, remote control
for NHL hockey puck.
The remote comes with
the official “Flyers” logo
on it, features auto sensor
designed to beep loudly
when in close proximity
to Halak and a glowing
red light illuminating a
100 square foot area, when
at less than 100 feet from
“PK”. Come see it perform
on our site at neverwrongmypuck.com
MOVING CAN BE FUN
We will show you how
to do it yourself cheaper.
Our moving consultants
- expert mule trainers in
the off season - will give
you all the advice you need
to make your move easier
and friendlier. You will
learn how to prepare for
an unbalanced mule load,
how to avoid road congestion - at least the ones you
are not causing - how to
deal with mule droppings
on your new front lawn.
Our consultant will also
provide you with a copy
of city bylaws governing
temporary shelter of farm
animals. Finally, we can
assure you that your brand
new furniture will not
be shipped somewhere in
Tanzania, since our mule
union does not allow for
travel abroad. Call us for
a free estimate.(fake ad)
WE WILL CLEAN YOU
UP. If you have no time
to clean up your house,
no worry. Our experts in
break and entering will
be glad to do it for you.
Special handling for folks
that have lots of good
stuff..E-mail Tyronne at
cleaningupservices@jailhouserock.com
International soccer referees for hire. They
will sit with you on your
couch in front of your
wide screen. Guaranteed
not to miss a single offside
or illegal tackle. You will
feel as if you were on the
field, in South Africa at the
World cup, we will throw
in a free recording of the
”vuvuzela” for background
noise simulation. Preview
your ref on our web site:
neverwrongtherefs.com.
(fake ad)
Wash your clothes
adding our special fabric
softener and when the
temperature rises over 24
you will feel you will be
cooled by the special ingredients we put in your fabric. Hurry limited quantities limited offer for info
e-mail us at areyoukiddingme@coling fabrincsofterner.com. (fake ad)
This summer, beat the
traffic and roadwork. Use
our mobile patent pending
TRANSPORTER ROOM.
Imagine from your house
to the office in 5 seconds.
Note: side effects include
separation of body parts,
brain tissue and lost in
space. Order yours at trafficsolution@transporterroom.ca (fake ad)
Lost my green space
somewhere in downtown
Laval. It used to hang
around the Montmorency subway station but my
groundhog reported it lost
and nowhere to be found.
If you come across it,
please call me.
Rent the perfect
school bus, comes with the
ASIMO robot as driver,
never late or early at your
child’s bus stop. Will not
scratch your car thanks to
its extended arm that picks
up your child and stuffs
him or her harmlessly in
the bus. Seats are equipped
with full body harness,
no more heads out of the
windows. Call your school
board for further details.
The Water gun registry, contrary to the real
gun registry serves a greater purpose. Children are
required to register any
and all water guns with
the ministry of Mom, to
avoid giving the ministry
of Dad an upper hand in
the water battle. Please
register ASAP.
Your chance to win
a full service, no waiting
time, pass to the emergency clinic if your choice.
No strings attached, no
specific medical condition
required. Only mandatory
condition:must be living.
First draw to be held soon,
call us now.
Rug-rat daycare is
opening soon. We will
ensure the safety of your
child, at our new-wave daycare, monitored by Rottweiler and Doberman,
supported by felines miss
Siamese and miss Mainecoon. All have many years
of experience with children and promise loving
care. Register now.
This year the city is
offering to transform your
summer tires to winter
tires. The budget surplus
generated by traffic ticket
given around road construction sites allow the
city to provide each car
with a Winter Tire Formula. Just open your tire
valves and put in 10 drops
of the Winter Tire Formula. When winter comes
your summer tires will
grip on snow and ice.
LET THE EXOTIC
FRAGRANCE OF OUR
HANDMADE GOAT’S
CHEESE SOAP overwhelm you with its timeless aroma. Bulk quantities available, call now to
order. Give the present that
announces itself.
Only have 3 days of
vacation during the holidays, we have the solution to make it feel like 2
weeks. A suite in the brand
new hotel tower downtown
provides an unforgettable
virtual reality experience
including beach, spa and
even the romantic sunsets,
thanks to our new fast
forward VR technology.
2 weeks compressed into 3
days! Where else can you
enjoy this!
Santa for rent. Yes
, the real Santa, we have
successfully cloned him!
unlimited quantities available. All our Santas have
the magical powers of the
original one and come
equipped with a full set
of reindeer and sleigh,
except for Rudolph. Sorry,
Rudolph’s nose could not
be cloned, since it met
with hostility from some
sections of the public.
Renting for the winter, owner gone south.
Located in quiet area next
to a parc, great view of the
river and good distance
from local stray cat. Ideal
for scavengers: fast food
restaurant at ground level.
Must see, tree #150, 000
boul Curé-Labelle branch
#23.
Wiarton Willie is a
famous Canadian groundhog that predicts whether there will be an early
spring. Since Laval and
the greater Montreal areas
have totally different winter conditions than the
rest of Canada, we are
searching for a Quebec
version of the ground hog
predictor. Should you be a
candidate for this position,
please read our job offer
on line at www.lavalnews.
ca/groundhogpridictions.
You must be perfectly
bilingual.
On the eve of the federal elections, our newly
formed political party
is looking for fresh and
new faces as part-time
candidates, criminals and
fraudsters eligible. Send
your CV to candidates@
nohopeparty.ca
A must have Amazing
snow removal item. Snow
Wrap. Invented in total
secrecy somewhere in the
world, this amazing cellophane sheet is the solution
for your snow removal. Just
lay it down on the surfaces that you do not want
to shovel and the Snow
Wrap will evaporate in
thin air all the snow this
winter. Comes in all sizes
and colours. Only $1 a
sq. ft For info send email
to amazingsnowwrap@
inventionstofit
Looking for a used
car? Why get cheated elsewhere. Come to Sleazy
Joe’s where you will regret
buying a car. Franchises
available. See our available
models at www.fourweelsandawindow.free
Since spring has
sprung, Carole has been
looking for her hunk. He
is average height, brown
medium length hair, last
report saw him coming
out of the Hibernation
club at the Zoo. If anyone
has seen him, report your
sighting at www.iamherecarole.goodluck
Found a political
candidate, somewhere
in the area of Budgetroad and Policyway. If
you misplaced one, ours
mesures’up’, has blue eyes,
a promising look and arms
full of election goodies.
Contact him at electionsagain@gotyourvote
Our polling professional firm is looking for
professional mediums to
predict the Federal election results. Please email
mediumswanted@electionresults2011.com
Forever Artificial
sun for sale. Guaranteed to
shine, nothing to do , no
maintenance, this heavenly
body will hover over you
as you commute to work or
visit your backyard pool.
Spring Special, Natural Fertilizers. We have
the solution for your landscaping. No need to buy
fertilizers. Our herd of animals will do it the nature
way. You can choose from
sheep, chickens and for
those big areas bull’s
(poop). Send e-mail to
poopthatgrass@poopers.
com
We will take care of
your mail during the Canada Post strike. For a small
fee we will provide you
with a trained pigeon.
Does not need to be fed,
super fast same day drop
off, waterproof plastic
envelopes provided. Out
of town deliveries, upgrade
to our super carrier pigeon,
and for overseas deliveries our cargo pigeon will
do the job. Call pig-eonmail today.
EDGE OF YOUR SEAT
ACTION at the World
Marble Championship
playoffs, July 2nd. Call us
for details and tickets to
the hottest show in town!
This summer save on
travel. Buy your own magic
travelling carpet. Now
equipped with igloo food
storage. Accommodates
2 people. Only $49.99 for
two seat plus shipping and
handling. Other models
available. Send your name
and address at magiccarpet@magicitems.com
This summer, keep
the information highway
safe, be the first to get
your official operators
license to drive a computer. Send your name to
licencetodriveacomputer@
magicitems.com.
Back to school: Take
away the burden of waking up your kids for school
with our automatic alarm
sprinkler. State of the art
technology sprinkles your
kids with water. The water
flow increases by the minute up to two buckets. It is
recommended to buy also
our automatic water soaking linen that absorbs all
the water… Buy the two
for only $19.95 plus shipping in handling. Ask our
operator for 1 day delivery.
Call 899-222-2333
Tired of school? Many
of our clients are in big corporations and sit in Government… Just choose the
field you want to work in
and we will send you your
diploma. For a little extra
you will get great reference
letters, copy of appropriate
awards and if you provide a portrait photo we
will send you photos of
you in front of corporations where you worked…
E-mail your request to
sendmemydiplomasnow@
impostors.com.
Independent engineer will inspect your
bridge or overpass. Send
your request to nonetobefound.inspectme, you
must be able to guarantee a
safe working environment
(no falling debris around
area to be inspected).
Pass through water,
air and rock, travel
through the earth at a
speed greater than light.
We are taking reservations for our inaugural
trip, in 2020. Our passengers are transformed into
neutrinos and reappear on
the other side reconstitut-
ed. Entirely safe by then,
reserve now at www.beammetherescotty.universe
New Calendar For
Sale: Be the first to share
the same calendar as our
MPs. Enjoy a thanksgiving
break that lasts one week, a
summer break that lasts all
summer, you can even stop
the calendar from running, using prorogation of
parliament, to get out of a
jam or to avoid scrutiny ...
and many more unmentionable advantages. Call
today 514/555/5555.
Want to go south but
cannot afford it? Call us
and we will set up your
own private resort back
yard. Our professional painters will spread a
dash of sand colour on
your snow, if there is any,
and provide an elegant
pool backdrop rendering
along with a snow blower
converted into a heat blower, all for a fraction of the
price of trip down south.
DO-IT-YOURSELF COSMETIC SURGERY! Take
this cool internet course
towards a REAL DIPLOMA, and save $$ on your
self-improvement procedures. Call now!!
Holiday shopping
getting to you? We have
the solution. Give us your
list and credit cards and
we will shop for you. We
are your Friendly White
Collar Criminal Inc. Give
us a call today and enjoy
Christmas.
Do you have great night
vision? Able to fit down a
chimney in a jiffy? Don’t
mind cold nights and are
free December 24th? If
you answered yes to these
questions then I’ve got the
job for you! Excellent benefits! Work just one night a
year! Send resume to: Santa
Claus, 1 Santa Blvd. North
Pole, H0H 0H0.
Found an extra day
on the calendar this year,
if anyone has lost a day in
2011, please contact me, I
have kept it safe for you,
at the end of February
but do not know what to
do with it.
Looking for a snowwoman for the winter carnival. Must be willing to
travel across the province,
be made totally of genuine
Quebec snow, (except for
the eyes and nose), provide
a guarantee of freshness
and promise not to melt
before the end of the carnival period and finally
must be accompanied by
a certified snowperson
maintainer at all times.
Call us for an interview.
Be the first to own your
personal automatic carwash. You park your car in
the garage at night and the
next morning it is washed
and waxed ready to confront the cold Canadian
winter for another day.
Free installation. Water
tax charges apply. Visit
us at www.inyardreamsbuddy.hope
Spring break is coming soon, plan your ski
week with the help of
Snow Guaranty Inc. We
will guaranty that you
will see snow on the hill
of your choice, Our state
of the art satellite sends
virtual snow images to
cover your favorite winter
wonder hill. Reserve now
at www.dreamingosnow
.beleiveit.
Found a leprechaun’s
pot of gold. Come and
claim it soon, everyone
is following the rainbow
tied to it… they eventually end up on my doorstep.
The lineup is so big you’d
think I was having a liquidation sale!
CleanSweep is this
new and amazing cleaning device which detects
dust, prints and grime.
Press on the start button
and it’ll make your floors,
walls and windows spotless! For a free evaluation
of this incredible product,
Visit www.cleansanweepit.
goforit. Give it a try!
Mature
Easter
Bunny looking for work.
Must earn income till
age of 6 (equal to 67 in
human age), because of
changes to Canada’s Old
Age Security Pensions
(OAS) announced in the
2012 Federal Budget. Will
accept any work for remuneration.
Transform your
spring lawn into a golf
course at low cost and
finally make money on
those gofer wholes. For a
few dollars we will send
our expert gofers from
your local golf club to do
the job. See what your back
yard would look like at
www.goforgolfnow.yuppy
EDGE OF YOUR SEAT
ACTION at the world
class kindergarten “student demonstration”. Call
us for details and tickets to
the hottest show in town!
Tulip Patch filled with
tons of original long stem
Dutch tulips will be auctioned off next week. All
resident hares and rabbits
invited to put in a bid. I just
hope next year all the local
hares and rabbits go there
and stay out if my currently flowerless back yard.
Demonstration,
everybody is doing
it! We have notified the
authorities of our demonstration to be held in 8 days
from today so it is safe to
join. We will gather at the
local beach to sit in the sun
in protest of the existence
of red lights on street corners. We feel we pay too
much for the maintenance
of something that hinders
our freedom to walk.
Found pots, pans and
wooden spoons on the
sidewalk last weekend.
Could the owners who
forgot them during last
demonstration please
come and pick them up.
View the photographs of
the said articles at www.
lotsonoisemaking.gotem
Nice weather guaranteed. Be the first to own
a new weather magnet,
to pull the nice weather
pattern to your location.
This magnet comes fully
equipped with a dehumidifier. For information visit
www.yougottabekidding.
dreamon
Alien Party of Quebec is looking for candidates. Should be able to
understand French and
English as well as one
Alien language and look
presentable, no furry
candidates hiding facial
features. Urgent, call the
APOQ ASAP.
The art of voting. We
offer courses on how to
vote on September 4th.
Graduates will be awarded
a diploma on the day of the
elections after having successfully voted. Our photographer will be on hand
to snap our graduates in
action and the subsequent
diploma presentation surrounded by party representatives. Register now.
LOSERS ANONYMOUS.
If you were a candidate in
the recent Quebec election
and you lost, do not worry.
You are not alone. Our
organization will help you
to deal with it. Mario and
Robert are among our successful alumni. For more
information email info@
looosersanonymous.ca
We are calling for tenders for the construction
of a summer preservation
device. The plans are available for consultation at our
web site: www.foreversummersinabottle.yessirs.
Standard deposit required,
no bribes accepted.
DIPLOMAS FOR YOU.
Don’t waste your time
going to school. For a
small fee you will receive
at home the Diploma of
your choice. Also available
preschool, and elementary
diplomas. Inquire today
write to Too Lazy To Go To
School. 711 Skip class Avenue, Yourtown Quebec.
Pumpkins fully
carved. Tired of carving
your pumpkins for Halloween, try our self carving
units, finally no mess and
fast! Be the first to own one
visit our site: www.yougottabekidding.dreamon
My 35 year old son’s room
must be filled up by the
time he gets home from
vacation. Please rent the
space for storage ASAP. He
might understand it is time
to get his own place. Visit
his room on the following
site: www.yougottabekidding.dreamon
Start your New Year
well, do you Holiday cleanup early. Your X-mas
cleanup should start with
big things first: Trash last
year’s tree, buy a new one,
get husband to set it up,
trash the husband but do
not buy a new one, spring
will come soon enough
and you will pick one up
on special. Want more of
these perfect Holiday hints
call me, you know where.
Looking for a used
car? Why get cheated elsewhere. Come to Sleazy
Joe’s where you will regret
buying a car.Franchises
available. Call 1-832-5551212.
JOIN US IN CELEBRATING The Fake Ad Contest’s
ten year anniversary. Visit
our website, we have put
together a list of our best
fake ads for you to enjoy.
To mark this anniversary, we will be awarding 4
movie passes to the winners of this issue’s contest
instead of 2.(ps. this is the
fake ad for this issue)