Native American Parenting Handbook By Deborah J. Kawkeka

Native American
Parenting Handbook
By
Deborah J. Kawkeka
Kickapoo/Yaqui
American Indian Training Institute, Inc.
4221 Northgate Blvd., Suite 2
Sacramento, CA 95834
(916) 920-0731 • FAX (916) 920-8930
AITIInc@AOL.com • www.AITIInc.org
Issued through a grant from:
California Tribal TANF Partnership
Copyright © 2004 American Indian Training Institute, Inc.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Discover Your Parenting Style
Page 2
Chapter 2
Infant - Birth to One-and -a Half Years
Page 4
Chapter 3
The Toddler Years - One-and -a Half to Three Years
Page 14
Chapter 4
Pre-school - Four to Five Years
Page 18
Chapter 5
School age - Six Through Twelve Years
Page 22
Chapter 6
Teenagers - Thirteen to Nineteen Years
Page 26
Chapter 7
Native American Parenting
Page 28
Introduction
The purpose of the Native American Parenting Handbook (NAPH) is to provide an outline of
Native-based parenting customs promoting a home environment reflecting cultural values and
beliefs. Concepts presented herein are a blend of childhood stages of development and Native parenting practices.
There is not one method or set of rules for today’s Native American to practice culturallyappropriate parenting. The tribal elders, long ago, handed down traditional ways. Many of these
ways have been lost or distorted. In this publication, “traditional” is defined as the ways
practiced by tribal people prior to European influence, as we understand them.
Family structures include one- or two-parent families, other relatives caring for children, or
foster care environments. In this publication, the terms parent and caregiver are used interchangeably and are intended to include birth parents, adult relatives, foster parents, or other
adults caring for Native children.
This handbook presents examples of optimum parenting skills for each developmental age group:
infants, toddlers, pre-schoolers, school-age youths, and teenagers. Each chapter addresses some
of the abilities and challenges for a particular age group.
Included are Native-based parenting suggestions to
promote positive cultural values.
We wish to thank the California Tribal Temporary
Assistance for Needy Families Partnership (CTTP)
for funding this important project.
Chapter 1
Discover Your Parenting Style
M ost of us learn to parent based on the way we were parented. Good, bad, or indifferent, we
create our style from the way we were raised. There is no one perfect way to parent children, just
as there are no two children who develop the same way. It is our decision how we parent our
children. As Native Americans, we have rich resources from which to draw the best parenting
skills.
Traditionally, well-defined customs, values, and practices were handed down from generation to
generation. Usually, the responsibility of raising children was an extended family effort. Aunties,
uncles, and grandparents shared child-rearing with the parents. Spiritual beliefs were an integral
part of teachings. Stories were used to help teach values and behaviors. Elders were available to
parents needing advice or prayer.
There were many historical events that interrupted this positive system of parenting. It is our
responsibility to discover the lost traditions and merge them with our current lifestyles. Despite
modern influences, our ceremonies and traditions continue to be practiced. It follows then that
our traditional ways of raising children can also be revived.
We begin by looking at our family history:
• How were we disciplined/rewarded?
• What are the values we learned as children?
• What were the spiritual/religious practices in our
homes?
• What were our parents’ childhoods like?
• What were the stories told about our grandparents’
lives?
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By recognizing our personal histories, we can draw upon the strength of our families. Knowing
where we came from is valuable in knowing where we are going. Acknowledge the positive
influences of cultures. Take time to recall traditional stories and reflect on their meanings.
We need to also examine our beliefs about parent responsibility and how we view our children.
In the old days, children were thought of as gifts from the Creator. Parents were considered
honored caretakers of these spirit beings. Early settlers in this country believed children were our
property. Terms like “do not spoil your children” or “children should be seen and not heard”
create an attitude of dominance over children. Most of us carry beliefs somewhere in the middle.
We do not live in the same world our ancestors thrived in, nor do we expect to recreate that
world. We can, however, make the best of both worlds. It is our job to oversee our children’s
healthy growth and to provide them with good values. It is the manner in which we teach that
exhibits the type of parent we are.
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Chapter 2
Infant – Birth to One-and-a-Half Years
C hildren are traditionally thought of as children belonging to the Creator given to us to care
for and teach. They are the promise for the next generation. It is for them that we live in a good
way and preserve earthly resources. It is for their benefit that we maintain cultural beliefs and
traditions.
According to a Pomo elder, children were known as the Little People. They were received in this
world with happiness and love. Large dinners were held in their honor and many tribal people
came to welcome the new Little Person and brought gifts to the parents. The elders gave many
blessings to the family and a birth name for the child. Songs were sung in honor of the parents.
An elder would then counsel the parents. They were told that the new Little Person was a gift in
their lives and they would be caretakers. It was their responsibility to teach the young one love,
caring, and humbleness of heart so they might grow strong and healthy. Rules were made to
guide their footsteps in life. Children were allowed to develop their own identities and not
pattern their lives after anyone.
In the old days, it was easier in many respects to care for infants. The
support of family and community members was given as a matter of
course. These days many new families do not experience the
same joyful birth experience. Some family structures include
only one parent in the home or perhaps an auntie, uncle, or
grandparent is given the responsibility of the child. Stressors
of income or environment may present a challenge to the
caretaker in providing children with the attention they require.
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There are many solutions to today’s problems in raising healthy children. The first step is understanding the needs and developmental stages of children. During the first year-and-a-half of life,
they achieve tremendous accomplishments. Most babies triple their birth weight, double their
length, crawl, and begin to take their first steps! Keep in mind, children develop at their own
pace and may not meet the standard milestones. We honor our children by nurturing them and acknowledging their accomplishments. (See additional information on child development and
health and safety tips for infants at the end of this chapter.)
Infants thrive in relation to the time and attention they receive. Talking and singing to them
during diaper changes or feedings creates an atmosphere of trust and comfort. Learn their different types of cries and what they might need. Crying is the communication style infants use to
express hunger, loneliness, or distress. Giggles and cooing express joy and comfort.
Infancy is the age during which children require consistency and create strong bonds with their
caretakers. They enjoy being spoken to and held. Colorful stimulation and grasping rattles or
fingers are simple ways to play. They begin to recognize familiar voices and respond to smiles.
Eventually they try to mimic verbal sounds and simple words.
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1–4 months
A
s the caregiver of a
newborn, you will
want to know as
much as you can
about how babies
grow and develop.
This Ages and Stages for Caregivers
will give you an
idea of the developmental milestones
that you can expect
to see in a baby’s
first four months,
suggestions for easy
ways to encourage
baby’s development, and other
caregiving ideas
that will help to
make this brief time
memorable.
Authors
Kathy L. Reschke
State Specialist, Early Childhood
Mary F. Longo
Family & Consumer Sciences Agent
Marion County
Cheryl Barber
Family & Consumer Sciences Agent
Fulton County
SIGNS OF DEVELOPMENT
by 4 months
(individual development varies)
Developing Body
• Weighs 10-18 pounds
• Measures 23-27 inches long
• Needs 13-16 hours of sleep a day
• Holds head up when held upright
• Lifts up on arms when lying on tummy
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Encourage baby’s muscle
development.
Put the baby on her stomach. Dangle a
bright or noisy toy in front of her or
capture her attention with your voice so
she will lift her head.
This will also:
• Help develop a warm relationship
between the two of you.
• Help in the development of her visual
abilities.
• Rolls from side to back
• Reaches for and grasps objects
• Sits when supported
• Has a well-developed sense of smell,
taste, and hearing
Build on baby’s curiosity and
drive to understand his world.
Place the baby in new places and new
positions so he can see people and
things from different angles.
• Visual focus is adult-like
This will also:
Developing Mind
• Explores objects with mouth
• Distinguishes familiar faces
• Distinguishes between colors across the
spectrum
• Prefers complex visual and sound
patterns
• Fascinated by moving objects
• Responds best to moderate amount of
visual stimulation
Developing Communication
• Responds to familiar voice
• Follows face with eyes
• Encourage other children to accept her
as a new member of your caregiving
family.
• Help strengthen her neck muscles as
she follows moving sights and sounds
around her.
Strengthen her sense of
security and self-worth.
Respond to the newborns cries with
warmth and consistency.
This will also:
• Provide a model for the other children
of the best way to interact with a very
young baby.
• Allow you to more quickly begin to
identify his different cries.
• Imitates facial expressions
• Communicates needs primarily through
crying (crying is most frequent in first
3 months)
Developing Self
• Responds to gentle touches
• Discovers that his fingers and toes are
extensions of himself
• Returns a smile
• Recognizes faces, voices, and smells of
familiar people
ASC-1-02
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HELP!
I have a 3-month-old in my care who seems to
cry all the time. It doesn't seem to matter when he
last ate or slept. It’s really getting old, both for me
and the other kids.
The demands of a 3-month-old can be stressful
in a group caregiving situation. Unfortunately, crying is the only way he can let you know when he
needs something. Babies cry most during the first
three months. Experts believe that they are more
distressed during these months because they are
re-adjusting their sleep-waking cycles. Knowing
that he will cry less as his body develops a rhythm
of sleeping and waking and as he learns to soothe
himself may help you to endure for the moment.
In the meantime, once you have made sure he is
not hungry, wet, tired, in pain, or feverish, try one
or more of these strategies: gently massage his
body, play soothing, rhythmic music, carry him in
a baby carrier or sling where he can be close to
your body, yet your arms are free to do other tasks,
wrap his body snugly in a light blanket so he will
feel secure. As you try a new strategy, give him
time to realize that something is different and to
react to the change.
A Great Place
to Grow
Toys and Materials
• Brightly colored toys that baby can grasp and that can be
disinfected in the dishwasher
• Toys that make different sounds
Safety Tips
• Anything smaller around than an empty toilet paper roll
is small enough to choke a small baby.
• Always fasten the safety belt when you place the baby in
an infant seat.
• When changing the baby’s diaper, be sure to keep one
hand on her tummy at all times. Keep all the changing
items within arm’s reach.
Copyright © 2002, Ohio State University Extension
All educational programs conducted by Ohio State University Extension are available to clientele on a nondiscriminatory basis without regard to
race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, age, disability or Vietnam-era veteran status.
Keith L. Smith, Associate Vice President for Ag. Adm. and Director, OSU Extension
TDD No. 800-589-8292 (Ohio only) or 614-292-1868
Reference: Berk, L. (2000) Child Development (5th ed.), Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
-7-
12-18 months
B
y one year of
age, babies
are beginning to
develop into their
own beings. They
provide great
joy for their parents
and providers. This
Ages and Stages for
Caregivers will help
you understand
what to expect of
babies this age and
how you can best
nurture them to
meet their needs at
this exciting time of
growth.
SIGNS OF DEVELOPMENT
by 18 months
(individual development varies)
Developing Body
•
•
•
•
•
•
Weighs 17-30 pounds
Measures 27-35 inches long
Stands alone and is able to sit down
Carries small objects while walking
Waves bye-bye and claps hands
Walks without help
Developing Mind
•
•
•
•
Takes things apart
Identifies objects in a book
Enjoys playing peek-a-boo
Begins to understand and follow
simple directions
Developing Communication
•
•
•
•
Says “hi” or “bye” if encouraged
Points or uses single words
Looks at person talking to him
“Talks” by pointing or gesturing towards things
Developing Self
Authors
Kathy L. Reschke
State Specialist, Early Childhood
Mary F. Longo
•
•
•
•
•
Recognizes self in pictures
Loves being read to by others
Plays with toys alone
Gets upset when parents leave
Likes looking in the mirror and
making faces
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Encourage toddler’s physical
development.
Get down on the floor with the child
and interact. Roll with him, crawl with
him, and pass a ball back and forth.
This will also:
• Assist in the development of the
child’s large and small motor skills.
Build on toddler’s curiosity
and drive to understand his
world.
Play peek-a-boo with the child.
This will also:
• Help in the development of the
child’s understanding of cause and
effect. He will learn that when he
covers his eyes and you are gone
temporarily, you will still be there
when he returns. This will encourage the child’s trust in you.
Stimulate his language
development.
Talk to the toddler and allow him to talk
back to you. Point to things you see and
use every day. He will repeat the word
in his own language, and you can say it
again correctly.
This will also:
• Encourage cooperation as he learns
give and take by talking with you.
Family & Consumer Sciences Agent
Marion County
Cheryl Barber
Family & Consumer Sciences Agent
Fulton County
ASC-4-02
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HELP!
I have one child who never shares. It is always
a big mess when another child wants to play with
a toy she has. What can I do?
It is very common for toddlers to not want to
share. You can help by teaching the children how
to react when another child will not share with
them. Here are some things you can try teaching
the children:
• Say “it was mine” and ask for it back.
• Use your words and tell the other child (rather
than hitting or grabbing).
• Tell the other child you don’t like it when they
don’t share.
• Often, redirecting the child to another toy or
activity will also solve the crisis.
A Great Place
to Grow
Toys and Materials
• Everyday toys from around the house that will help develop
his curiosity such as plastic tubs, socks, lunch box, wooden
spoons
Safety Tips
• Child-proof your home again, looking at the toddler’s eye
level.
• Put toxic items like paint, detergent, medicine, and makeup
in high cupboards.
• Use safety latches on all cupboards holding toxic, dangerous, or breakable materials.
Copyright © 2002, Ohio State University Extension
All educational programs conducted by Ohio State University Extension are available to clientele on a nondiscriminatory basis without regard to
race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, age, disability or Vietnam-era veteran status.
Keith L. Smith, Associate Vice President for Ag. Adm. and Director, OSU Extension
TDD No. 800-589-8292 (Ohio only) or 614-292-1868
Reference: Berk, L. (2000) Child Development (5th ed.), Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
-9-
ALL BABIES NEED
breast milk or baby
formula with iron.
Breast milk is best for
your baby!
BREASTFEEDING IS THE
BEST nutrition for
all babies.
• Your baby will have a special cry or
fussiness to show when he or she is
hungry.
• Feed your baby when your baby is
hungry. Do not try to feed your baby
on a schedule.
YOU CAN
breastfeed
your baby.
BREASTFEEDING
TIPS
BREASTFEEDING:
A HEALTHY WAY
TO FEED
YOUR BABY
Tips for feeding your new baby
REMEMBER
TO
DRINK
lots of
fluids.
BREASTFED
BABIES are less
likely to get
allergies.
• Breastfeed your baby
for the first year or
longer, if possible.
• Breastfeeding is good for you too. It
helps you get back in shape. It helps
lower the risk of breast cancer.
• Breastfeeding is natural. It may take
some practice.
• If you have trouble, ask your doctor
or clinic for help.
Want to find out about eating healthy foods during your pregnancy and about breastfeeding?
Call Women, Infants, and Children (WIC):
(888) 942-9675
Want to find out more about breastfeeding?
Call La Leche League:
(800) 525-3243
• Let your doctor know if you are taking any medicine or drugs or if you
are infected with HIV.
©2003 First 5 California
Breastfeeding C174-10/03
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BREASTFEEDING TIPS
YOUR
NEWBORN
MIGHT WAKE UP
hungry several times
a night. Over a few
months, most babies
will start to sleep
through the night.
BREAST MILK HAS VITAMINS and minerals that help
your baby stay well.
BY TALKING
to your children,
children learn to talk
better.
• Talk about the colors, sounds, and smells in
and around your home.
TO HELP children be
ready to read and
write, you can:
• Ask children to draw
the picture and tell you what
the picture is about. Write
down what they tell you.
• Talk about everyday tasks. Name clothing
as you help children get dressed.
• Teach children to match a picture with the
written word.
• Ask your children questions. Have them ask
you questions.
• Help children cut out words from a
magazine.
• Talk in whole sentences. Use lots of different words when speaking.
• Encourage writing skills, even scribbling,
at an early age.
OTHER TIPS
to
remember:
• Ask children to tell you
what is important to them.
HELP CHILDREN
learn new words.
• Practice clapping out
sounds in
words. Say
letters and
sound out
words.
• Use songs, finger plays,
games, and rhymes (like
Itsy Bitsy Spider or Diez
Deditos).
EARLY
LEARNING
TIPS
HELP CHILDREN
LEARN EARLY
• Give children love and attention.
USE PLAY to help
children learn.
• Children can use reading
and writing during play time.
• Use junk mail to play post office.
Read, sing, and talk
with them each day.
–
Meet a child’s needs
right away.
–
Answer a baby’s cries
and a child’s
questions.
• Make safe play areas.
Tips to help children learn
to talk, read, and write
• Teach children new words. Explain what the
words mean in words they can understand.
–
–
Give children time to
run, jump, and dance.
–
Let children do art or
play with blocks and
puzzles.
– Give children a chance to do things on
their own.
• It is also good to:
– Set up times to play with other children.
– Let children have a few choices.
– Be a kind and caring example for
children.
• Use a notepad to play waiter/waitress in a
restaurant.
WHERE to find help
• Set up a play “office” with scrap paper and
pencils.
Call your local library for more information
about reading and children’s programs.
©2003 First 5 California
Early Learning C170-10/03
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EARLY LEARNING TIPS
• Tell stories and talk about
them with children. Ask
them to guess what will
happen next or to ask
questions.
PROTECT
CHILDREN
from tobacco
smoke.
DO NOT SMOKE while you are
pregnant.
NEVER SMOKE around infants
and children.
• Ask people not to smoke in your
home. This includes babysitters, caregivers, friends, and family.
• Ask smokers to go outside while they
smoke.
• Don’t smoke or let others smoke in your car.
• Make sure child care, school, and other
places children go are smoke-free.
ASK YOUR PARTNER and
friends not to smoke around you
while you are pregnant.
• You have a
greater chance of having
a baby who weighs too
little.
HEALTHY
BABY TIPS
• Your baby is also at
risk for other health
problems.
FOR THE HEALTH
OF YOUR BABY
AVOID SMOKE,
ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
SECOND
-HAND
SMOKE
Tips to remember to take
care of you and your baby
is especially
harmful for a newborn.
• Smoke can make it hard for babies
to breathe.
• Babies have very small lungs and
air-ways and the airways get smaller
when babies breathe air with smoke
in it.
• A baby also has a higher chance of
dying of Sudden Infant Death
Syndrome (SIDS or crib death) if a
mother smokes while she is pregnant
or if there are smokers in the home.
• Whatever
you smoke,
drink, or use
may harm your
baby.
• Alcohol use can cause
babies to be born with small
heads, heart defects, and other
problems.
• Drug use can also cause
babies to have brain damage or
birth defects.
• If you need help to stop
smoking, drinking, or using
drugs, ask your doctor or local
clinic. Get help from your doctor or clinic.
TALK TO
YOUR DOCTOR or clinic
before you take any medicine
while you are pregnant.
• Even some kinds of medicines
can harm your baby.
• Tell your doctor or health worker about all
the medications and drugs you take. Ask
your doctor before you use any kind of
medicine, even aspirin.
Call the California Smoker’s Helpline
at (800) NO-BUTTS or (800) 662-8887
or the Alcohol or Drug Abuse Hotline
at (800) 252-6465 to get help quitting for
yourself or someone you love.
©2003 First 5 California
Healthy Baby C167-10/03
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HEALTHY BABY TIPS
• Second-hand
smoke is not good
for you or your
baby.
DO NOT DRINK alcohol or use drugs
while you
are pregnant.
CAR SAFETY
FIRE SAFETY
• Use a car seat every time a
child rides in a car. The back seat
is the safest place for a child to
ride.
• Babies should ride in a backward-facing car seat until they are 1-year old and
at least 20 pounds.
• Children over 1-year old and over 20 pounds
can sit in a car seat that faces forward.
• Children must be in child car seats or booster seats until they are 6 years old or weigh
60 pounds.
• It is recommended that children stay in
booster seats until they are 8 years old or
weigh 80 pounds.
• Put smoke alarms in your home.
Check batteries once a year.
• Keep a fire extinguisher in the
kitchen.
• Have a fire escape ladder in each second
story or higher.
• Put in carbon monoxide (CO) detectors near
bedrooms.
POOL SAFETY
• Never leave children alone in
or near a pool.
• Have safety equipment
by the pool.
HOME SAFETY
• Keep emer
gency numbers by the
telephone.
• Have
first aid
supplies
• Keep your pool fenced
or completely covered.
SAFETY
TIPS
LEAD PAINT
• Lead paint
is found in
older
homes. It
can be on
the inside and the outside of
the house.
• Lead can also be found
in make-up and pottery.
If you think a child may have
been around lead, bring him
or her to a clinic for a special
blood test.
GUN SAFETY
CRIB SAFETY
•
•
•
•
• Put a baby on his or
her back to sleep.
Do not cover a baby’s face or head when he
or she is asleep.
Do not put blankets and comforters in the
crib.
Do not put pillows, bumper pads, and
stuffed toys in the crib.
Use a non-allergenic mattress. It should fit
snugly in the frame with less than one inch
between mattress and frame.
• The safest home is one without a gun.
• If you have guns, lock them
away.
• Never keep them loaded.
• Lock bullets in a different place away from
the gun.
©2003 First 5 California
Safety C171-10/03
- 13 -
SAFETY TIPS
handy.
• Know CPR and how to
handle choking.
• Keep household products,
beauty supplies, and
KEEP A CHILD
medicines out of
children’s reach.
SAFE FROM
• Use special safety locks
THE START
on all drawers and cabinets.
Remember these safety tips
• Put outlet covers on all
sockets.
• Set water heater temperature no higher than 120ºF.
• Never leave children alone in the bathtub.
• If you are using a
children’s wading pool,
empty it after use.
Chapter 3
The Toddler Years - One-and-a-Half to Three Years
T hese are wonderful years of discovery and growth, from interactive play skills to individual
play. Frequently, this time is referred to as “the terrible twos.” Understanding children’s developmental needs and having positive interactions with them goes a long way to making this time of
wonder and pleasure for caregivers and children. (The attachment at the end of this chapter illustrates abilities and ways to assist development.)
Behavior at this age may appear to be stubborn and non-cooperative. However, during this stage,
children begin to separate from their parents. They may not want to hold a hand one minute and
then demand complete attention the next. They may refuse to eat food they used to like. There
may be a lot of whining or crying for no apparent reason. Along with wanting to be independent,
they struggle with knowing proper words to express their needs or wants.
Giving them words to explain their emotions can diminish this behavior. Describe what you see
and identify their emotions/desires for them. If they appear to become upset because they cannot
have a particular item, say to them, “I can see you want the ____. It looks to me as if you are
angry that you cannot have it right now.” The idea is to acknowledge their needs and emotions
prior to the situation progressing into a tantrum. If it is something they can have, encourage them
to calm themselves and ask for it by name. Generally, children will reflect the caregiver’s demeanor. By remaining calm, our children will be influenced to calm themselves.
(Included with the information at the end of this chapter is a Feelings List.)
The best way to avoid negative behavior is to pr omote the
positive ones. Children respond quickly to praise and recognition. If the attention they receive is only for bad behaviors,
- 14 -
they are likely to repeat them. Positive statements given anytime are always welcome. To promote cooperation between children, observe and tell them how good it is to see them playing together in a positive way. If an argument ensues, step in quickly to discover the dispute. Ask each
child to explain what happened while the other listens. Repeat what each child says after they are
done expressing themselves. This will help them learn to ask for what they want or seek help.
They will be less likely to fight with one another.
This is a great age to introduce Native stories promoting wanted behaviors or deterring undesirable actions. Maintaining good relationships with children is an important Native value. Storytelling creates a strong bond, as well as teaching lessons and values. Elders are usually very
pleased to share traditional stories to strengthen families. Other resources include libraries and
bookstores that carry Native children’s books. It is useful to read stories or tell them verbally.
There are many ways for storytelling to take place. Some may feel more comfortable with reading a picture book while others have a knack for making up stories.
Allow time for discussion of the story. Children will have many questions during the telling or
may want to be told the same story repeatedly. It is believed Native people listen with their hearts
and eyes, as well as their ears. Using this kind of listening, parents understand what children are
feeling. When children believe they are understood, they learn how to deal with feelings and to
build trust with parents.
The Toddler years are also the best time to instill desired behaviors for putting away toys and
clothing. Most children want to imitate their caregiver’s behaviors. After they are finished playing, let them know they need to put toys away before taking out something else and that we will
help them (not do it for them). The amount they put away should be based on their ability and
attention span. Younger children may only put away one or two items, older ones can put away
most of the items. Make the activity fun. Introduce a story about messiness or cleanliness.
- 15 -
Developmental Abilities of Children Ages 24 to 36 months
Your toddler may:
• Copy your words and actions
• Be able to say their age
• Show an interest in using the toilet
• Match objects by shape and color
• Talk to his/herself to practice new words
• Ask “why?” a lot
• Have many tantrums because they are frustrated
• Use three-word sentences like “Mommy, hold me.”
• Say about 300-500 words and have better pronunciation
• Walk up and down stairs using one foot (instead of both feet) for each stair
• Like to use one hand more than the other
• Be able to open doors
• Show an interest in other children
• Identify own gender
To help development you may:
• Give four-piece puzzles and musical instruments to play with
• Observe likes and dislikes (children may refuse foods they used to like)
• Sing songs and read books together
• Ask about what happen in the past, “Who gave you that toy?”
• Ask questions such as, “What are you doing?” or “What/who are you
playing with?”
• Kick and throw balls with them
• String large beads together
• Create opportunities for play with other children
• Remove from reach unsafe objects
• Allow them to zipper and button own clothing
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Feelings
List
Afraid
Happy
Proud
Angry
Hopeless
Quiet
Anxious
Hurt
Queasy
Bored
Ignored
Resentful
Brave
Important
Restless
Calm
Joy
Sad
Caring
Jealous
Scared
Confused
Jumpy
Shame
Curious
Kind
Surprised
Different
Lonely
Tired
Dumb
Loved
Terrible
Disappointed
Mad
Unloved
Excited
Mean
Uncomfortable
Embarrassed
Mixed Up
Vicious
Exhausted
Nice
Violent
Funny
Nerdy
Warm
Frightened
Overwhelmed
Worried
Guilty
Outrageous
Yucky
Glad
Playful
Zany
Supportive Education for Children of Addicted Parents
- 17 -
Chapter 4
Pre-school - Four to Five Years
Here we will build on the skills presented in the previous chapter. An important value to instill
during the pre-school age is respect. Traditionally, values are taught through storytelling and by
example. Respect allows for open communication between family members and is the basic
principle behind positive Native parenting skills.
Children in this developmental stage continue to be curious and desire more separation from
their caregivers. (More information about typical characteristics of children in this age group can
be found at the end of this chapter.) Traditionally, these children might be taken into the woods
or a lush valley and be asked to just listen and observe. They would be asked what they hear and
see. They would be asked that question repeatedly until the caregiver was satisfied with the answer. The children would then be asked how what they have observed relates to their lives.
In this way, children are given the opportunity to explore the world in a different way. They are
encouraged to find their place in it among the rest of nature. They learn respect for the world,
animals, and other people. They begin to have a small concept of harmony within nature and
themselves.
Although children of this age group want independence, they also
desire consistency. It is up to the caregivers to determine the appropriate level of freedom and express clear expectations to the
children. The young ones may be given some responsibility, such
as clearing their dishes from the table, picking up toys they are not
playing with, or helping in the kitchen. In this way, children
become aware of the responsibility to maintain a balanced
home.
- 18 -
When children are given chores, it is important for parents to help them complete their tasks.
They gain a sense of belonging in their family and respect for their home. One way to address
these issues is by having regularly scheduled talking circles.
There are different ways to facilitate a talking circle. One way is to be clear about the specific
purpose of this talking circle. Arrange a time that is convenient for all family members to attend.
A list of topics can be posted prior to the meeting so everyone knows what will be
discussed.
The circle can begin with a short prayer or smudge with sage or cedar. For young ones, make
snacks and drinks available and keep the agenda short. Different family members can facilitate
different meetings. The first talking circle should include an agreement as to how the meeting
should proceed. Usually, a stick, feather, shell, or rock is used to signify the person speaking.
Everyone should agree that only the person with the object can speak and others must listen.
Everyone, in turn, will have to opportunity to speak. The item may be passed around the circle
several times as each topic is discussed.
Topics can include assignment of chores, consequences for undesirable behaviors, what to do
during the weekend, or party/ceremony planning. Posting a list of topic(s) to be discussed is
desirable, even for those in the family who cannot read. This doubles as pre-reading skills when
adults read the list line by line with the young ones.
If the discussion includes consequences for undesirable behaviors, first state what the behavior is
and why it is disruptive. Allow each person to suggest a consequence should the behavior occur
again. The facilitator should write down each suggestion without comment. Once everyone has
the opportunity to offer an opinion, each suggestion should be discussed as to its feasibility.
The best consequences are those that relate to the action. For example, if the behavior is not
- 19 -
doing chores, be sure that the children are clear about what is expected. The description cannot
just be clear the table after dinner. It must be broken down, such as all the dirty dishes must be
put in the sink, left over food must be placed on the counter (for caregiver to put away), etc.
Second, ask the family to suggest consequences. Discuss each suggestion. It can be recommended that the consequence that most relates to the undone chore be the ideal choice. However,
allow everyone to vote on the consequence to be put into action. Keep a note of the outcome.
By designing family decision-making in this way, all family members feel their opinion is heard
and respected. Also, when it comes to enforcing the consequence, the parent can refer to the
agreement made by the family during the talking circle. The consequence can be changed at the
next family meeting/talking circle.
Respect, clear expectations, consistency, and balance create a solid foundation upon which to
build a healthy family. This may sound like a huge undertaking, but make a small beginning and
the rest will follow.
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AT THIS AGE,
children need the
chance to:
AT THIS AGE,
children:
• Play outdoors.
• Are active and have lots of energy.
• Listen to stories,
poems, and songs, and
make up stories.
• Can change moods quickly. May go from
loud and active one moment to shy and
quiet the next.
• Group items that are
alike.
• Enjoy more group activities. Can pay
attention longer.
• May form groups of friends and can be
bossy.
• May change friendships quickly.
AT THIS
AGE
children
like
making
faces and being silly.
CHILDREN ALSO:
• May
brag and
name call
during
play.
AT THIS AGE, children need
the chance to use paints, child
scissors, crayons, and jigsaw
puzzles.
AT THIS AGE, children
need the chance to:
• Explore and try new things.
4 to 5
YEARS OLD
LEARNING
STARTS EARLY
What to expect when a child
is 4-5 years old and how you
can help a child grow and learn
• May try out swear
words and bathroom words.
• Can be very imaginative.
• May like to exaggerate.
• Can be clumsy.
• Often are great talkers. Ask a lot of
questions.
• Use their imagination and
be curious.
• See
what reading
and writing
are for.
TIPS to remember:
GIVE CHILDREN
love and attention.
• Read, sing, and talk each
day.
• Meet children’s needs right
away.
• Hold your baby often.
• Answer your baby’s cries
and your child’s questions.
MAKE SAFE PLAY areas for children.
• Give children time to run, jump, and dance.
• Let children do art or play with blocks and
puzzles.
• Give children a chance to do things on their own.
IT IS ALSO good to:
• Set up times to play with other children.
• Let children have a few choices.
• Be a kind and caring example.
©2003 First 5 California
4-5 Years Old C175D-10/03
- 21 -
4 TO 5 YEARS OLD
AT THIS AGE
children love to use
words in rhymes, nonsense, and jokes.
• Try new things and learn
within limits.
Chapter 5
School-age - Six Through Twelve Years
C hildren tend to mirror our behaviors. If we listen to them with patience and understanding,
they are more apt to share and listen when we speak. They are also more likely to let us know
what is going on in their lives.
The school-age stage of life is a time when children’s social circles expand beyond immediate
family members. They enter school and leave the comfort of home. Children who attended
pre-school or daycare settings have had similar experiences, but on a smaller scale. In elementary
school, different cultures and personality types are placed in a single classroom. Students are
expected to sit for long periods of time, as well as learn new concepts of reading, math, art, etc.
Some children thrive in this structured environment while others struggle. They have homework
in addition to whatever chores might be assigned to them at home.
It has been said children do not dropout in high school, they dropout in second or third grade.
This statement indicates children may fall behind in reading or math skills at an early age and
may not find the resources needed to catch up with the rest of their classmates. It is not an indication of incompetence so much as a disparity in learning styles. Teachers tend to use oral instruction and written curriculum. Most children of Native descent
learn through auditory (hearing) and visual means. Help at home
from parents or older siblings can make up for this difference.
(The story at the end of this chapter entitled, Legend
of the Origin of Baskets, gives an example of how a
child, given a different mode of teaching, can be
successful.)
- 22 -
Children encounter classmates from different nationalities and cultural backgrounds. This can
create identity challenges for Native children. It can be the first time they deal with stereotypical
comments by others. Even their teachers may have negative or preconceived ideas about Native
people. The best way to address these issues is by being informed about what children face away
from home. Maintaining good family communication is especially important throughout these
years. Discussing what happens at school and being familiar with your sons’ and daughters’
friends is crucial in supporting their healthy self-esteem. (This term is defined and examples are
listed in the form entitled, Self-Esteem, at the end of this chapter.)
The term self-esteem did not need to be used by traditional families. It was a concept that was
integrated within cultural teachings. Even forms of discipline were not in any sense demeaning
or abusive. Verbal and non-verbal praise encouraged young ones to repeat desired behavioral
patterns. It was a common belief we had individual talents and abilities that served to keep the
community healthy. No one person was compared to another in a way that would be considered
shaming. Methods used to correct unwanted actions might be teasing (not in a cruel or shameful
way) or shunning (not talking to or looking at) the child. It was thought teaching and disciplining
were one in the same.
The importance of making time to talk and play with children cannot be stressed enough. Asking
children about their day at school will not produce
the same results as having relaxed conversations
with them. They are more likely to share with
parents who give them full attention.
- 23 -
Story: Legend of the Origin
of Baskets
Long ago, there was a young woman whom we would call in
our language “aiyaiyesh” meaning “stupid” or “lazy.” While
the other young people her age helped their elders, the
aiyaiyesh girl would sit beneath the Cedar Tree, day after day and all day long, watching the
world go by. Finally, the Cedar Tree could not stand it any longer and spoke to her.
“You are so aiyaiyesh,” the Cedar Tree said. “Now watch, I will show you how to do something.” The Cedar Tree showed her how to take roots, coiling their cool moist paleness into circle
upon circle, fashioning the first hard-root cedar basket in the Pacific Northwest. Circles are very
sacred to Native people … the wind moves in its strongest power in a circle … the circle represents the world, which turns in a circle. When the girl completed this first basket, the Cedar Tree
approved of it, but pointed out that is was naked and baskets required patterns and designs to be
really finished.
The aiyaiyesh girl began crying for she knew no patterns. The Cedar Tree told her to start walking, keeping her eyes, her ears, and her heart open, she would discover. So it was that she
traveled and different beings would speak to her: the rattlesnake showed its diamond-shaped
designs, the mountains showed the shape of triangles, the salmon showed its gills, all around her
were the designs of shadows and leaves and colors. And when she had learned to put all of these
designs into her baskets, she returned to the village where she taught relatives and friends how to
make these baskets. And she was not aiyaiyesh anymore.
_______________________
This story can be understood as a cultural paradigm for the way in which many Native Americans conceptualize relationships, responsibilities, learning, and teaching in short, the core elements family therapy. (Axelson, 1985 Manson, 1982: Sue, 1981 Tafoya, 1989)
- 24 -
Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is …
•
Appreciating your human worth and importance
•
How you think and feel about yourself
•
How you experience life internally: positive thoughts and
feelings
People with high self-esteem:
•
Like who they are
•
See themselves as worthy
•
Feel equal to others
•
Can be creative
•
Think it is okay to make mistakes
•
Recognize limitations
•
Are unselfish
•
Have a positive attitude
•
Develop interdependent relationships
•
Have a healthy vision of themselves
•
Are not afraid of taking healthy risks
•
Can receive love from others
•
Can give love to others
- 25 -
Chapter 6
Teenagers - Thirteen to Nineteen Years
T he teenage stage is an important transitional age for development from childhood to adult. It
brings with it complex challenges for child and caregiver. Traditionally, this is an age that began
with a ceremony of becoming a man or woman. Much of mainstream society offers no such
acknowledgement of this life stage.
In traditional societies, a “becoming a man or woman ceremony” would be arranged for the teenager. They would be honored by the community and be counseled by the elders. Elders met with
them privately and explained expected responsibilities. They might also be told what their place
in society was expected to be. It was believed each person had a role to play in maintaining a
balanced society. The children would have been observed by community members and elders in
order to assess their special talents and a place be made for them. A sense of belonging
is reinforced through these ceremonies.
The teenagers’ roles would have been clearly defined and
their education would continue in order to perfect their
skills. These days, even if these ceremonies are performed, our youth must also make a place for themselves
in mainstream society. Formal education continues in the
school system and they experience additional pressures,
trying to find a balance between the traditional and
modern worlds.
Teenagers experience more stressors than any other age
group. Home responsibilities increase to include care for
- 26 -
younger siblings, additional responsibilities in the home, and yearnings for autonomy from their
parents. They seek acceptance from peers and desire to keep up with fashion images projected
through the media. The contradiction is, they are wanting to be independent from caregivers and
yet they experience the pressures of making decisions about higher education, vocation, and/or
career. If they have older siblings, they may hear comparisons between themselves and their
brothers and sisters.
There was a group of teenage boys in a rural reservation in California a few years ago who were
caught setting small fires. It was a close community, so the police officer who apprehended them
contacted an elder to explain what happed. The elder met with the boys and shared with them
stories of the sacredness of fire and how it is used in ceremonies. She then turned them over to
the men in charge of preparing for ceremonies. As a result, these boys became a valuable asset to
the community, achieved a sense of purpose, and the community welcomes them warmly.
This is a wonderful example of how healing can occur for the benefit of individuals, families,
and communities. An alternative consequences may have included juvenile court and criminal
records. The more positive outcome illustrates how important it is to listen to our youth and look
beyond their actions.
- 27 -
Chapter 7
Native American Parenting
O ur primary purpose is to love our children. Through love, we give them our values, morals,
culture, and traditions. When presented with respect, our children carry these cultural attributes
to the next generation out of pride rather than obligation.
It is crucial to examine our family history and build upon the strengths found there. One suggestion is to create a family chart beginning with current family members and situations. Then, generation by generation, document names of family members, occupations, marriages, divorces,
living situation, Native ceremonies practiced, issues of alcoholism, drug abuse, family violence,
etc. Allow plenty of quiet time to work on this project. Do not expect that it will be completed in
one sitting. The chart can be kept confidential, but it can be a healing process to share it with siblings, parents, and other family members. Use caution if choosing to share it with your children.
Some information may not be age-appropriate.
Charts may be designed in any format that is easiest to use. Some will want
to make columns for each generation. Others will use a webbing format.
(An example of a chart is included at the end of this chapter.)
View the results with affirmations of not having just survived,
but also having thrived. Acknowledge examples of healing experienced by each generation. Be patient with yourself and family
members while implementing changes. Choose one or two
suggestions in this book to start. When those become comfortable, begin adding additional practices. Ask for support from
- 28 -
other families using Native principles in childrearing. Seek out elders, community gatherings,
and local service agencies for additional Native parenting information.
When Native families are strong, communities benefit. Belonging is of vital importance to all
people. It is most important to Native people in order to preserve culture and tradition. (Read the
story at the end of this publication entitled, “Coyote and the Blood Monster,” for teachings about
the benefit of cooperation.
The concepts presented in this handbook are an overview of Native practices. The training workshop that accompanies this publication goes into further detail regarding useful practices for specific family situations. It is our intention that this becomes a starting point for healthier Native
families.
- 29 -
Date
Family Events
Self
Grandmother
Grandfather
Father
Mother
Child
Story: Coyote and the Blood Monster
A long time ago, there was a terrible Blood Monster
who was killing many of the Animal People. This
monster, Wawa-yai, had a nose nearly four feel long
that was sharp as a spear, and would stick his nose
into people and suck them dry. Finally, the Animal
People went to Coyote to ask for his help. “I will do
what I can,” said Coyote, “but we must also ask the
Plant People for their assistance.” And so Coyote went to the different plants with thorns, certain
berry bushes, wild rose bushes, and others asking if they were willing to help the Animal People.
The plants with thorns agreed to do what they could.
Following the Coyote’s instructions, the Animal People gathered the plants and placed them all
around the doorway of the Longhouse. Coyote then sought out Wawa-yai and invited the monster
to a feast sponsored by the Animal People. “There will be plenty of blood soup,” said Coyote,
“we know it is your favorite.” The ever-hungry Wawa-yai eagerly followed Coyote into the
Longhouse where the Animal People fed him basketful after basketful of blood soup. Pretty
soon, his belly started bulging out over his loincloth.
Wawa-yai drank even more of the soup, and his stomach grew larger with every basketful. “Have
some more,” said Coyote, “there is plenty.” And Wawa-yai drank more and his belly slowly
stretched out and rested on his lap, covering his loincloth. Coyote directed the Animal People to
continue bringing out even more soup until Wawa-yai was so enormously fat, he could barely
move. “You have killed too many people,” said Coyote, “and I will not let you kill any more of
them.”
- 31 -
Then angry Wawa-yai struggled to his feet, his huge belly bouncing up and down as he began to
chase Coyote. Coyote ran through the doorway with Wawa-yai behind him. Now the Blood
Monster was so large he could no longer fit through the door and when his belly hit the thorns he
exploded into thousands of small pieces. And this is where mosquitoes come from. They cannot
kill you anymore, but they can sure bite!
~ Traditional Columbia River Indian Story
______________________
This story can be used to discuss the importance of cooperation among communities, where
each person has a place. When all are working together the communities are nourished and
protected. The blood soup that saves the people is contributed by the people themselves …
it is when Wawa-yai takes too much blood and throws the world of the Animal People out of
balance that Coyote must teach the people the idea of a more harmonious form of sacrifice.
Ed.
- 32 -