HOW TO DEAL WITH PARENTS WHO ARE CRAZY

HOW TO DEAL WITH PARENTS WHO ARE
ANGRY, TROUBLED, AFRAID, OR JUST PLAIN
CRAZY
By: Elaine k. McEwan
Presented at the 2012 EBS by:
Sherry R. Williams
SCDE, Education Associate II
Division of Accountability
Office of Student Intervention Services
Janice Jolly
Consultant
Retired Professional School Counselor
DISCUSSIONS:
• Learn how to deal with “Close Encounters of
the Parental Kind”
• Critical Issues that cause misunderstandings
• Strategies for defusing anger, fear, and the “crazies”
• Problem solving processes
• How to tell if your school is sick or well
CHAPTER 1: WHY PARENTS ARE ANGRY,
TROUBLED, AFRAID OR JUST PLAIN CRAZY
• Seek first to understand, before you seek to be understood.
- Stephen Covey
• Managing a difficult person means first managing oneself.
- Carol Tavris
Parents and educators are responsible for blaming and hostility.
• Parents’ anti-achievement ideology
• Are teachers/faculty/administrators “accountable for fostering the
kind of school climate where the dignity and worth of all individuals
without regard to appearance, race, creed, sex, ability or disability,
or social status”?
• Educators’ perceptions of absentee parents who do not provide
supervision or accountability for themselves or their children
Who suffers?
• The children
WHAT PARENTS OF TODAY ARE LIKE:
• Gone are the days of being respected for the position you hold – now
you have to earn respect.
• Today’s parents are less respectful of
authority
•
you must build a rapport before problem solving
• Parents are now more educated about schools and view schools as one
more service to be “consumed”
• “Parents now bring up “School Report Card Scores”
• Parents Who Are Cynical and Distrustful
• Institutions have shown they cannot be trusted
• Sandusky trial
• Parents Who Are Activists
• In today’s schools be ready for parental involvement that
goes beyond providing cupcakes
and cookies for the annual bake sale.
• Book bans
• Sex ed
• Personal agendas
• Parents Who Are Increasingly Disengaged From the Public
School
• More parents are now homeschooling or sending their children to
private school
• Parents Who Are Feeling Stressed and Guilty
• Some parents have a hard time finding time to spend with their
children and want the school to pickup the slack
• Dual career families need teachers who can handle their child’s
problems
• Parents see education as the answer to a better future for their
children; and want a system that will prepare their children to be
successful not deprive them due to out-of-control students, bad
curriculum, bad teachers, etc.
PARENT UPSET BY HOW TEACHER DEALS
WITH BULLY
• http://video.foxnews.com/v/1694208860001/
CHAPTER 2: STRATEGIES FOR DEFUSING
PARENTS WHO ARE A/T/A/JPC
• Just because a parent isn’t “losing it with you” doesn’t mean they are not
angry. Some parents are more educated in how to present their feelings.
• A parent who does not arrive in an Armani suit may have the same
feelings as the parent who does.
• Problems or potential problems for the child will bring out the worst in a
parent
• Understanding where a parent is “coming from” will help with
communication and collaboration
“Ways to Be” (not the same as “Things to Do”):
Be trustworthy – you cannot make people trust you
• Even though I don’t like what
happened, I trust you and I
know you are intelligent and
caring.
• Trust that takes years to build
can be lost in a split second
• Tell the truth in love
• Confront people with care and
respect
• Build people up
• Be punctual
• Don’t gossip about others
• Be thorough and conscientious
• Don’t make promises you
cannot keep
• Always attack the problem –
not the person
• Do more than you promised
• Apologize when you are wrong
• Have integrity (More than telling the truth)
• Consistency of behavior
• Decisions come from values and beliefs
• Not based on the 3 Ps:
• Politics
• Pressure
• Power
• Define your mission
• Define “the truths you hold to be self-evident”
• Do you value people or procedures?
• Are decisions shared?
• Accountability?
THINGS TO DO: (HANDOUT)
•
Speak gently and say the right thing
•
Redirect (triangulation)
•
Lower the Boom lightly (the art of negative news)
•
Welcome constructive criticism
•
Don’t react (don’t act without thinking!)
•
Shake hands and welcome parents
•
Sit eye to eye and knee to knee
•
Listen
•
Open Your Mind (honest dialogue)
•
Consider cultural differences in communication
•
Keep calm; remain confident
•
Take your time (immediate solution?)
•
Establish time limits
•
Don’t tell them, show them
•
Apologize
•
•
Get to the point (what is our goal
today?)
Don’t’ fight them; join them (invite them to
problem solve)
•
Give options to parents (don’t’ back them into
corners)
•
Empathize
•
Focus on problems, not personalities
•
Ask questions (surface misinformation)
THINGS NOT TO DO: (HANDOUT)
• Don’t interrupt
• Don’t advise if they don’t ask
• Don’t race to the next issue
• Don’t try to persuade them they
are wrong
• Don’t focus on what cannot be
changed
• Don’t throw your own people
under the bus
• Don’t engage in silent combat
(the stare down)
• Don’t rehearse your answer
while they are talking
• Don’t lose empathy in being
neutral
• Don’t be a know-it-all
• Don’t over-explain
• Don’t get backed into a corner
• Don’t settle for superficial
resolution
HOW TO DEAL WITH “REAL” CRAZY PEOPLE
• Gather information to help you
understand them
•
Know school board policy
•
Use the special skills of school
social workers, counselors,
psychologist
•
Look for signs that may need to be
reported (abuse of children, illegal
activity)
• Keep notes about all experiences
• Keep superiors informed
• Consult with mental health
professionals
• Consult law enforcement
• SRO attend meetings
• Protect your school’s safety
“Sometimes, in the midst of the harsh words
and angry tempers, you will learn patience
and forbearance. Often, while you’re
enduring frustration and embarrassment, you
will reach deep within and discover a gift for
helping others to solve seemingly insoluble
problems.”
TEACHER THINKS PARENTS VANDALIZED HER
CAR
HTTP://WWW.YOUTUBE.COM/WATCH?V=RTVGJQJIF54
PARENT UPSET WITH HOW SCHOOL DID
SEARCH OF HER CHILD
•
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-third-grader-strip-searched,0,7844144.story
CHAPTER 3: THE MOST COMMON SCHOOL
PROBLEMS AND HOW TO SOLVE THEM
• “No problem is so large or complex that it can’t be run away from.”
• Charlie Brown
• “The mere formulation of a problem is often far more essential than its
solution.”
• Albert Einstein
KINDS OF PROBLEMS
(EVERYBODY IS BETTER AT FINDING THEM THAN SOLVING THEM)
• Problems identified by School Personnel
• Problems identified by Parents
• Problems identified by Students
ANGRY PARENT ROLEPLAY
•
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzGLditfDwE&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=P
L473DB3E325C24EEF
7 STEPS TO EFFECTIVE PROBLEM SOLVING
•
Gather the facts and define the problem
•
Identify reasons for the problem
•
Verify the most likely causes
•
Identify possible solutions
•
Develop and action/implementation plan
•
Implement the plan
• Consensus, compromise, confrontation
•
Evaluate and fine-tune the plan
• When to stay vs when to go
CHAPTER 4: PROMOTING A HEALTHY SCHOOL:
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SCHOOL IS SICK OR
WELL
“Just as the presence of disease signals our
body to begin the healing process, the
awareness of disruption, distrust, anger, or
frustration in an organization should cause
its members to immediately mount an
offensive against the unwelcome
intruders… these invaders can come from
without….or within.”
FOR OUT OF CONTROL PARENTS TO DO ANY
SERIOUS DAMAGE THEY JUST NEED YOU TO
APPLAUD THEIR BEHAVIOR
Secret operations
Faultfinding and Blame
Backyard Gossip
Lies, half-truths, and slander
Triangulation
The Friendly Enemy
THE DIRTY DOZEN SCHOOL SICKNESSES
• Paralysis – you cannot get anything done, good ideas never go
anywhere
• Diarrhea – a constant flow of aggressive and abusive words and
actions from parents, teachers, students, staff members and
administrators
• Chronic fatigue – everyone wants someone else to take care of
the problem
• Hypertension – everyone is uneasy, griping, complaining
• Heart failure – a lack of empathy, understanding, and caring
• Lockjaw – inability to talk to each other
DIRTY DOZEN (CONT’D)
• Circulatory collapse – no two-way communication
• Muscle and tendon inflammation – intermittent bouts of aggressive and
hostile interpersonal communication
• Irritable bowel syndrome – chronic complaining and criticism, “It” is never
enough
• Calluses, corns and bunions – closed-mindedness and rigidity
• Chicken pox – unwittingly infecting others
• Malnutrition – hard to diagnosis and impossible to recognize; poor student
achievement, low teacher morale and efficacy, and rampant parental
dissatisfaction
INDICATORS OF SCHOOL WELLNESS (HANDOUT)
•
Respect
•
Individual abilities, knowledge and experience of all staff members are fully used
•
High expectations
•
Students have advocates
•
open communication
•
•
•
Staff are open to say what they feel
•
Conflict is openly resolved and creates a feeling of respect
•
Staff members can express their views without fear of retaliation
•
Staff members can give and get help without concern for hidden agendas
Principals
•
welcome openness
•
model appropriate human relation skills
•
develop and maintain high morale
•
collects and responds to concerns
•
acknowledges the earned achievements of others
Everyone is committed to the vision and mission of the school
RESOURCES
• McEwan, Elaine K. How To Deal With Parents Who Are Angry,
Troubled, Afraid, or Just Plain Crazy. Thousand Oaks,
California: Corwin Press, Inc., 1998. Print.
• Creating Connections with Parents, Jody Jobe ASCA website