How To Help Someone With Anxiety By Chris Desatoff

Transcription

How To Help Someone
With Anxiety
By Chris Desatoff
www.FreeAnxietyHelpOnline.com
Introduction
Thank you for taking the initiative to help your loved one who is struggling with anxiety. He or she is
battling a very difficult condition. I know that it can be confusing, trying to understand what they or
going through. The worst part is that it can be confusing for them too!
I suffered with anxiety and depression for over 20 years, and it wasn’t until after I overcame my anxiety
that I finally began to really understand it. Even the experts don’t all agree on the causes, much less the
best treatments. But every year we are learning more about the human brain and nervous system, and
we are coming closer to making anxiety disorders less of a mystery.
Hopefully, this little ebook, How To Help Someone With Anxiety, will help you figure it out a little better
too.
This free ebook is a compilation of blog posts from my website: Free Anxiety Help Online. Most of the
chapters were actually written specifically for this ebook, while the first three chapters were originally
written as stand alone articles on the blog. But those extra three chapters in the beginning should help
you get a deeper glimpse into the problem of anxiety disorders.
Those first few chapters were actually addressed more towards people who are themselves suffering
from anxiety (like chapters 1 to 3 and even chapter 10), while the rest of the chapters were specifically
written for you, the friend of family member of an anxiety sufferer who is trying to understand what
they’re going through and help however you can. But all 10 chapters will provide you with some insight
into The Wacky World Of Panic And Anxiety. =)
Table Of Contents
Chapter 1: What Is Anxiety Disorder Really About?
Chapter 2: Is Anxiety A Mental Illness Or Not?
Chapter 3: Anxiety Symptoms In Men Are Often Interpreted As Weakness
Chapter 4: Don’t Judge Someone With Anxiety And Depression
Chapter 5: Four Things You Should Never Say To Someone During A Panic Attack
Chapter 6: You Can’t Cure Somebody Else’s Anxiety Disorder
Chapter 7: How To Support Friends And Family Who Suffer From Anxiety
Chapter 8: Help A Spouse With Anxiety By Building Them Up
Chapter 9: My Story: Beating Anxiety And Depression Without Meds
Chapter 10: Anxiety And Happiness Cannot Coexist
Chapter 1: What Is Anxiety Disorder Really About?
What is anxiety disorder? It’s basically a defense mechanism that is out of control.
It is your brain’s way of releasing nervous energy from the body and protecting you from what it
perceives as threats. That is the simplest, most fundamental answer to the question. Understanding
this basic idea is a necessary first step to getting free from the panic attacks and other anxiety symptoms
that you’ve been experiencing.
Now that you know the simple answer, let’s explore a little deeper into the very complicated world of
anxiety…
“ANXIETY: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY”
The Good: Anxious Energy Helps Us Survive
Flashback to Cave Man Days: You’re out foraging for nuts and berries when you come across a hungry
sabertooth tiger. Your brain recognizes this immediate threat and triggers an adrenaline rush, instantly
flooding your body with the hormone.
Your heart rate skyrockets, you start sucking in oxygen, all your senses go on high alert, and your
muscles receive a sudden burst of energy, your physical strength and speed increase, and your body
becomes temporarily resistant to pain.
Why?
So that you can do everything possible to fight off this predator and escape with your life. Our bodies’
built-in “fight-or-flight” mechanism has been helping humans survive for a long, long time.
The Bad: Unused Adrenaline Hurts Us
Back to the Present Day: Unlike our ancient ancestors, most of us in the modern world aren’t physically
active every day. Nor do we face physical threats on a nearly daily basis like they did.
The threats we face today come in the form of project deadlines, overdue bills, parent-teacher
meetings, crying babies, broken washing machines, and stupid ex-boyfriends.
Our lifestyles have evolved with the times, yet our bodies – and our internal defense mechanisms – are
still stuck in the prehistoric past.
As a result, a late afternoon phone call from the bank collections department triggers an adrenaline
rush, but with no need to run out of the room or start throwing spears, those hormones just sit there
with nowhere to go.
Over time, the accumulation of these unreleased stress hormones can have detrimental effects on our
physical health.
The Ugly: Unreleased Anxious Energy Builds Up And Spills Over
After years of physical inactivity, unresolved emotional conflict, and all of this anxious energy building
up inside of us, eventually something’s going to pop. The body is going to find a way to release that
stress. Since we’re not physically burning it off, it’s going to spill out in some other way.
The result is often some type of physical illness or anxiety disorder. Some people get hives. Others start
to have colds that just never seem to go away. Some get ulcers and other digestive disorders. Some
develop obsessive-compulsive disorder.
And some of us get panic attacks!
Treating Physical Short-Term Symptoms
There are many possible ways to relieve anxiety symptoms in the short-term. Some of them work for
some people but not for others. Some of them work great for a little while but not forever. And some
of them don’t seem to work at all – at first – but can make a difference over time.
Here are some of the methods used to treat anxiety and reduce panic attacks:
Prescription anxiety medications
Vitamin & mineral supplements
Herbal supplements
Physical exercise
Dietary changes
Meditation and relaxation exercises
Aromatherapy
Water therapy
Self-talk and affirmations
Treating Psychological Long Term Causes
While many people with anxiety disorder focus on treatments that aim for immediate results and relief
of physical symptoms, the key to managing anxiety for the long-term is to focus on improving how you
deal with stress and conflict in your life.
Cognitive behavioral therapy – or talk therapy – is basically a way of encouraging you to recognize and
deal with anxiety and stress issues head on. Conflict avoidance (ignoring your social problems and fears)
is a one-way ticket to Anxietyville Horror. It’s not that every conflict or source of stress in your life has
to be resolved perfectly or you’ll end up in the looney bin. That isn’t realistic. But it is necessary to deal
with stressful relationships and stressful situations.
And ignoring problems is not the same as dealing with them.
When we tackle our conflicts head on, there is a sense of strength and personal pride that comes about
as a result. It feels good to rise to the challenge and cross stressors off our list. A weight is lifted. Even
when the issues aren’t resolved permanently, just facing it and making a real effort is itself empowering.
Face Your Fears
So if we want to shed our anxiety and get back to normal, it’s going to be important to take the long
view and start fighting some battles. Every little victory counts.
What conflicts and problems in your life are a constant burden on your shoulders? What unfinished
business do you need to start dealing with today?
Are you a procrastinator? Are there some big and little tasks that you keep putting off and that may be
trickling unreleased stress into your life? Why are you avoiding them? Are you intimidated? Do you
need to learn something new in order to accomplish them? Do you need to ask for help? Are you afraid
somebody will criticize you?
Figure out what needs to be done and just get started. Every little loose end that you tie up will bring
some relief and give you a little more strength to keep going.
It gets easier, but only when you make the effort and do what needs to be done. Continuously.
Is Worry And Anxiety The Same Thing?
Whenever I've tried to explain to people about what I experience with my anxiety, their response usually
boils down to something like, "Well, you just gotta stop worrying so much and man up and do what you
gotta do."
I love getting advice like that. Don't you? It's just sooo, so helpful...
=/
Worry And Anxiety Are Not The Same Thing, People!
People with anxiety disorder do feel the same things that people without the disorder feel. People with
anxiety disorder worry and stress about bad things that might happen to them, and these emotions and
thoughts can affect them physically. That's normal. But where the average worrier will freak out for
awhile at these negative thoughts and feelings and then move on, those with anxiety disorder obsess
and worry and feel nervous ALL DAY LONG.
Dr. Paula Bloom gives a great illustration in this article on PBS: normally, when we're driving along on
the freeway and someone zooms in front of us and nearly causes an accident, we freak out a
little. Physically, our heartrate jumps, we may breathe more rapidly, we might even get sweaty or feel
jittery. Emotionally, well -- we feel scared for several seconds...maybe a minute or two. And as for our
thoughts, we may have worried, scary thoughts for the next half hour or more -- wondering whether it
will happen again.
But within an hour or less, the whole episode passes, and all the physical feelings return to normal. By
the end of the day we have completely forgotten about it.
But when you have anxiety disorder, you feel like this pretty much all the time! Imagine what it would
be like to feel freaked out like that every single time you get behind the wheel of your car. Imagine
what it's like to feel those sensations (racing heart, rapid breathing, sweaty palms) and have those
bouncy, panicky thoughts for every minute of every drive.
That's what it's like for someone with anxiety disorder or panic disorder.
Another example might be getting up in front of your class (or a whole auditorium) to give a
speech. The first time you do this, you feel very worried, very nervous. You have a lot of those same
feelings mentioned above in the previous example, but once it's over, things return to normal and you
can talk to people afterwards like it's nothing.
But someone with anxiety disorder can feel like that in normal, everyday conversations with strangers!
I don't do parties, clubs, whatever. They're not fun to me. When I think of meeting new people -- or
even of chatting with old friends or family members I haven't seen in a long time -- I start to have an
anxiety attack.
To a "normal" person, it's just a one-on-one conversation with some new acquaintance. But to me, it's
like giving my first speech, and it's to a million people, and I'm buck naked, and it's on live TV, and
they're gonna think I'm a loser and boo me off stage.
Does that make sense? No, it doesn't. It's totally ridiculous. But it's not something that I can just wish
away or shut off. It's how my brain works.
So are worry and anxiety the same thing? Kinda...but not really.
Chapter 2: Is Anxiety A Mental Illness Or Not?
I’m sure doctors and other really smart people around the world scoff at the question, but let’s face it: a
lot of us who suffer from anxiety disorders wonder sometimes whether we are truly mentally ill or
not. We wonder if medication is really the key to our recovery (especially when our current meds are
only making things worse), or whether our friends and family are right and it’s all really just in our head.
I mean, we’re not totally crazy or anything. Our brains aren’t damaged or fried or whatever. We have a
firm grasp on reality. We’re just…not…normal. We can’t seem to do what we used to be able to do, and
we don’t really understand why. And we feel like maybe there’s a button somewhere in the back of our
brains and – if we can just find it and push it – then we can be normal again.
We aren’t morons. We just sincerely wonder: is anxiety a mental illness?
But I guess an even more fundamental question then, would be this…
Is Mental Illness Even Real?
I think I just heard some people’s eyeballs roll back so hard they fell out of their heads and onto the
floor haha! But I grew up in a really conservative religious subculture (not a headline-making cult or
anything, but still…), and so I can relate to people who wonder if mental illness is even a real thing or if
it’s just a cop out for people who don’t want to live the way they should be living.
I get that, because I can recall many times hearing on radio programs and from pulpits and school
teachers to watch out for psychologists and mental health professionals who want to put all our kids on
Ritalin and deny the existence of demons (i.e. saying that demon possession is really just mental illness,
etc.).
SO YEAH…that’s the kind of environment where I grew up. ;)
Personally, I believe that mental illness is real, and I believe that an anxiety disorder is a real mental
illness. I believe that every other part of my body can get messed up and stop functioning properly, so
why would my brain be any different?
So yeah…it’s real. But it’s also not fully understood. That’s why we can have different people diagnosed
with the same condition, yet they respond differently to different approaches to treatment. Some folks
respond well to medications, and some respond well to counseling, and others respond well to natural
treatments. And of course, some respond well to all three, and some don’t seem to respond well to
anything so far and feel like they are on the verge of a full-on mental breakdown (I hope that’s not you,
and if it is…I am so sorry. But I do believe there’s hope for you).
So let’s continue to explore our original question about whether or not anxiety is an actual mental
illness.
What Is Mental Illness?
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) defines mental illness this way…
A mental illness is a medical condition that disrupts a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to
others and daily functioning.
SOURCE: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness
Scientists studying people who have a mental illness have observed that parts of their brains do indeed
function differently than people who do not have a mental illness. With anxiety/panic disorder, for
instance, the amygdala triggers a surge of adrenalin at…uh…weird times. This causes the person to go
into “fight or flight” mode even when there is no physical danger around them. They are scared to
death, but there’s nothing to be afraid of, and that just makes the whole experience (i.e. panic attack)
that much more traumatic and worrisome.
Is Anxiety A Disability?
This is a tricky question to answer, because the answer is not a medical one; it is a legal one, and it is
somewhat subjective. This is where a lot of people with anxiety fall through the cracks here in the US. I
was one of them. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t hold down a job. I had more than 20 jobs over
the past two decades. Most of them only lasted a day or a week or a month. I could work just fine, but I
couldn’t go to work and clock in. I’d get extreme nausea and other panic attack symptoms, and they
would just get worse as my start time drew nearer. Eventually, I’d be sitting in my car outside my job,
kind of paralyzed, trying not to throw up, totally freaking out…and I’d lose my job. Every time.
So I couldn’t keep a job. So I’d lose my medical insurance. Then doctor visits and meds would be crazy
expensive. With no job and no income, I couldn’t afford all that. But since I was physically able to leave
my house and do daily tasks and otherwise function normally, I would not have qualified for disability
benefits. I couldn’t work, and I couldn’t afford treatment, and I couldn’t qualify for government
assistance.
I was stuck.
If you’re in a similar situation and wondering if you’d qualify for Social Security benefits, you won’t know
for sure until you go and apply. But this article from Disability Secrets (a NOLO website) can give you a
pretty good idea whether you should expect approval or not, based on your situation.
SOURCE: http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/resources/disability/filing-disability/can-i-get-disabilitybenefi-0
One thing that popped out at me as I was researching this was that your medical treatment history is a
big deal. If you went to a doctor or psychiatrist consistently and took medications consistently then
you’ll have a much better shot at getting benefits. But if – like me – you only went intermittently (due to
loss of employment and loss of insurance or just loss of motivation or whatever), then that could be
your undoing. Sorry, but that’s just something I’ve observed.
I guess that’s just how it is in the US. Will Obamacare fix it? I hope so, but I don’t know. If you live in a
country with different medical benefit coverage requirements, then you may fare better (or worse).
Is Anxiety Genetic And Hereditary?
As long as there are people alive to debate Nature vs. Nurture, there are gonna be people debating
it. As with all the other genetics/environment debates, the nature of anxiety is also not fully
understood.
According to NAMI, scientists do seem to have discovered a genetic link for the anxiety disorder,
obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), but there are other environmental causes for that too.
SOURCE: http://www.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Inform_Yourself/About_Mental_Illness/By_Ill
ness/Anxiety_Disorders.htm
So there’s still no definitive answer. Many people believe that some mental illnesses that run in families
do so because of learned behavior rather than genetic destiny.
Personally, I believe that our genes may predispose us to certain behaviors, but I don’t think they dictate
our lives. My own personal choices and thoughts and emotions are responsible for my formerly anxious
life. Perhaps my genes made it more likely that I would fall into certain behavior patterns that lead to
anxiety and depression, but they didn’t make it inevitable.
Another way to look at it is to look at people who suffered from an anxiety disorder for years and then
fully recovered from it. If their genes gave them anxiety disorder, then how did they eventually
overcome it? Did they have their genes removed? I suffered from anxiety and depression for two
decades, yet here I am today…strong, confident, happy, and anxiety-free. If my anxiety was caused
solely by my DNA, then how did I beat it?
Now, it can be argued that both are true…that anxiety is BOTH hereditary and environmental. The
editors at AnxietyCenter.com tend to lean in that direction, stating that the presence of an “anxiety
gene” is not enough to trigger the disorder. But it’s our thoughts and behaviors that turn the genes on
and off.
SOURCE: https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-tips/behaviors-not-genes.shtml
That makes sense to me. Science hasn’t yet proven if that is true in the case of anxiety, but eventually
we’ll figure it out. Until then, let the debates continue…
Is Anxiety Curable?
Yes.
Aren’t you glad I just came out and said it?
Anxiety is curable. But it is going to take more than pills to do it. Pills can help you manage your
symptoms, but they don’t deal with the cause. Just like pain relievers after a surgery. Sure, the pills
make the pain go away (at least partially), but they don’t actually heal you. They treat the symptom, not
the root cause.
Anxiety is a response to stress. It’s a defense mechanism (I say this part all the time haha). And when
you are exposed to massive stress and/or continuous stress without resolving the cause of your stress,
then eventually your system can become overloaded and you are left with a chemical imbalance and an
amygdala that doesn’t know what the heck is going on. That’s when your natural anxiety response
starts being triggered randomly or at the slightest little stressor, and then your worrisome thoughts just
go and go and go.
Once you’ve got a full-blown anxiety disorder, it’s going to take lots of time and lifestyle changes to
reset your system and get you back to normal. You’re gonna have to deal with the anxiety symptoms in
the short term (and that’s where meds and exercise and meditation and nutrition come in), but then
you’re also gonna have to deal with the root causes…the sources of stress and frustration in your
life. The things you’ve been avoiding, the things you’ve been stuffing down deep inside for all these
years. You’re gonna have to work on that stuff too if you ever want to cure your anxiety.
You deserve to be happy!
For my whole life I backed down from every little conflict or tension or stress I encountered, and
eventually all that avoidance behavior became my normal response to life. That was my status quo, and
I was not happy. Nothing ever really got dealt with, and the frustration and stress just grew and grew
until I was overwhelmed.
I won’t rehash my whole story here (it’s all over my blog and later in the ebook haha). But my own
personal struggles with anxiety and depression and low self-esteem and self-respect and self image -and my eventual victory over all of them -- THAT is my basis for saying what I say. That’s where my
opinion mostly comes from.
SOURCE – http:myownlifeexperienceoverthelast39years =)
Chapter 3: Anxiety Symptoms In Men Are Often Interpreted As
Weakness
Dealing with the actual symptoms of anxiety disorder – hives, panic attacks, nausea, rapid breathing and
pulse, scattered thoughts, etc. – is hard enough already. But for men, there’s another aspect that makes
the burden even more difficult to bear.
Anxiety Symptoms In Men Are Often Interpreted As Weakness
Men have to be strong.
Men have to be tough.
Men don’t cry and worry and freak out over nothing.
At least, that’s the image men have to try to live up to. It’s what is expected. Most men with the
disorder tend to think of anxiety and panic attacks as a “woman thing,” and they put a lot of pressure on
themselves when they aren’t able to measure up to their own expectations.
But the reality is that anxiety disorder doesn’t just affect women. Men get it too.
Anxiety Affects Both Women And Men
Men’s anxiety symptoms are no different from those in women, and the causes of anxiety disorder in
men are typically the same too. Stress builds up, it doesn’t get dealt with in a positive manner (if at all),
and eventually the system is overloaded and the brain starts triggering all kinds of fight or flight
reactions over every little source of stress or perceived threat.
Panic attacks are a defense mechanism.
When your brain gets overloaded by stress and worry, it doesn’t know what to do – how to cope – and
so it starts seeing every little stressful situation as life or death. And it takes time to “reset” your system
and get back to a normal life.
Anxiety Disorder Is A Physiological Response To Emotional Overload
Anxiety is not weakness. It’s just the result of a failure to adequately deal with stressful events and
circumstances in a person’s life. This happens to both women and men! That’s life!
So what can a man do about it when he finds himself suffering from panic attacks and other symptoms
of anxiety?
First you have to recognize anxiety for what it is. Not weakness. Not imaginary. Not “all in your head.”
It’s your body’s adaption to an overload of physical, emotional and mental stress. And it won’t go away
overnight by simply trying to “man up” and pretend it’s not there.
So knowing this, there are basically two kinds of strategies you need to employ to manage your anxiety.
Anxiety Strategy #1: Treat The Physical Symptoms (Short Term)
There are all kinds of ways to treat anxiety symptoms. Some of them work immediately. Some of them
only work after extended treatment. And some of them work for different people at different times.
Confusing, right?
Your first line of defense is usually conventional medical treatment. Many, many people (not all,
though) have reported great progress using prescription medications. Often it is a matter of trial and
error to find just the right combination of meds and the right dosages…until the body adapts and a new
combination is required.
But not everybody can afford prescription meds. And not everybody even wants to take them, whether
they can afford them or not.
Some people with anxiety prefer natural treatments and home remedies, and lots of people have had
great results from these alternative treatments too. But just as with conventional medicine, it is often a
matter of trial and error and simple persistence to find solutions that work for you.
Here are some natural treatment options that have been shown to help relieve panic attacks and
anxiety symptoms in the short-term:
Vigorous exercise
Reduced stimulants consumption (caffeine, sugar, nicotine, alcohol, drugs)
Natural and herbal supplements
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (talk therapy)
Meditation and breathing exercises
Anxiety Strategy #2: Resolve Emotional Conflict And Relieve Stress (Long Term)
While all of these methods can help treat the symptoms of anxiety, it’s important to make a distinction
between cause and effect. Panic attacks are an effect (symptom) of anxiety disorder, but treating the
symptom is not the same as treating the root cause. To permanently deal with anxiety, you’ve got to
learn to cope with stress and conflict in more productive, permanent ways.
Many people “deal” with stress by ignoring it. That only works for so long before your body starts
freaking out on you. So to cure yourself of anxiety disorder and keep it away for good, you’ve got to
learn how to deal with the daily stressors that life throws at you.
This is the hard part.
Remember how we talked about how a man has to be strong and tough. Well, that’s kind of true, and
it’s true for both men and women.
To deal with stress and conflict in everyday life, you do need to be strong. You do need to be tough.
And most of all, you’ve got to train yourself to tackle the hard things in life head on.
Avoidance resolves nothing. It just leads to stress overload and ultimately, anxiety disorder. So you’ve
got to deal with it head on.
If you’ve been sidestepping conflicts in your relationships, you need to start engaging instead of
avoiding. If you’ve been procrastinating on tasks that make you feel intimidated, you need to start
doing what you gotta do.
This doesn’t all happen overnight. It takes time and patience to make changes. And you’re going to fail.
Lots of times. So it’s going to take persistence and most of all – the ability to shake off failures, pick
yourself up, dust off and try again.
Chapter 4: Don’t Judge Someone With Anxiety And Depression
Question: Would you tell someone with cancer to stop acting so sick all the time?
No, of course you wouldn’t. And the reason we don’t do that is because we understand that people
with cancer feel sick because they are sick. They can’t help that. It’s not just in their mind; it’s in their
body too.
But when it comes to people who have anxiety and depression, many times we have a hard time
understanding what is going on, and we end up judging them by default.
They don’t seem sick, they just seem to be thinking the wrong kinds of thoughts. They aren’t insane, so
that means they aren’t really mentally ill, right? Well, just as the other parts of the body can experience
various degrees of sickness or loss of function, our brains can also be “sick” to various degrees.
Anxiety disorder isn’t cancer – far from it – but it is something akin to the brain catching the flu. It’s not
life-threatening (a panic attack will not kill you, even though it feels like you’re dying), but it is still
serious, it does interfere with your ability to perform daily tasks, and it is not something that the person
can simply shut off instantly.
anxiety vs ANXIETY!!!
Everybody worries.
Everybody experiences stress and nervousness and anxiety to some degree in their daily lives. That is
normal. But when those daily stresses and worries are not adequately dealt with and resolved, they can
build up and build up to the point where the brain and nervous system simply reaches overload. When
that happens, normal everyday anxiety turns into anxiety disorder…a completely different animal!
Everyday nervousness or anxiety is a defense mechanism. But anxiety disorder is a defense mechanism
that is out of control. When your brain senses a threat, it releases adrenaline throughout your body.
Your heart rate increases, your breathing speeds up, your muscles tighten up and prepare for action,
every cell in your body feels like it is on high-alert. This is the infamous “Fight or Flight” mode.
That’s a good thing when you are being threatened by a wild animal or a mugger. That’s your body’s
natural defense mechanism. That’s normal anxiety. But someone with anxiety disorder experiences this
for every single threat – big or small – and even when there is no real threat at all. Just thinking about a
future event that may or may not happen can trigger a fight-or-flight panic attack.
What It’s Like To Live With Anxiety Every Day
Does your car have an airbag system to protect you in a collision? Or maybe a car alarm that goes off
when someone bumps into it when it’s parked? Those are defense mechanisms for your car, and they
are good to have…when they are functioning normally.
But how hard would it be to drive down the freeway if your airbags would inflate every time a car came
near you?
Or imagine what it would be like if your car alarm went off every time you parked your car, or even
while you were driving and sitting in traffic? Everyone would be looking at you like, “What the heck is
wrong with your car, lady? Why are you driving all weird? Why don’t you just turn your alarm off?”
It would take an incredible effort just to make your regular commute to and from work every day. It
might not even be possible.
And can you imagine cruising through your kids’ school parking lot in the morning, with all the other
moms and dads and kids staring at you while your car alarm is blasting and your airbag keeps
inflating…deflating…inflating…deflating?
That is what it is like having to live with anxiety disorder every single day.
It sucks really, really bad.
And nobody around you seems to really understand or show much compassion. It’s not your fault, but
most people don’t get it, so they judge you. Sometimes they’ll come right out and say it, and sometimes
they’ll just keep their criticisms to themselves, but either way, you still feel it.
The Anxiety-Depression Cycle
Most people who experience an anxiety disorder usually end up having to deal with major depression
too. It’s just a natural by-product of having your life messed up by anxiety.
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You get anxiety attacks at work.
You get anxiety attacks at the supermarket.
You get anxiety attacks driving through traffic.
You get anxiety attacks at parties.
So what do you do when you feel anxiety in all of these ordinary life situations? Well, usually you start
avoiding those situations so you won’t have to go through another panic attack.
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You might lose your job…I’ve personally lost over 20 jobs because of this.
You might lose your friends…I actually never met up with friends of my own for over a decade.
You might eventually not even be able to leave your house without a close friend or family
member with you at all times.
What does all this lead to? It usually leads to depression. And then what happens when you’re
depressed?
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You don’t even want to try to get another job…what’s the point? You’ll just get fired again.
You don’t even want to make friends with new people…they’ll think you’re weird.
You don’t even want to leave the house anymore…no job, no friends, so why go anywhere?
Anxiety messes up your life. Then you feel depressed because your life is all messed up and nobody
understands. Then you don’t even feel like trying anymore because you’re all depressed and people
keep judging you. Then you just retreat more and more into your own little, isolated world. And you
continue to avoid stressful situations. And your comfort zone continues to shrink. And you feel more
crappy about it.
And the anxiety-depression cycle continues to feed itself, and your life continues its downward spiral…
Please Don’t Judge Someone With Anxiety And Depression
Anxiety disorder isn’t just in their head. It’s beyond their immediate control. With support from family
and friends, anxiety can be cured, but this takes time, and it often requires some major lifestyle changes
too, both internal and external.
Chapter 5: Four Things You Should Never Say To Someone During A
Panic Attack
I suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks for over 20 years. During that time, I’ve received
some advice from people who had good intentions but little understanding. People with anxiety do
need support from friends and family, but more often than not, nobody really knows what they’re going
through. They want to help, and they feel like they need to say something, but what they end up saying
often does more harm than good.
If you know somebody who suffers from panic attacks, please be careful what you say and do in reaction
to their situation. It’s always better to say nothing at all than to say something that will only make them
feel worse.
Here are four things you should never say to someone who is having a panic attack…
1. “Stop Worrying So Much!”
“What if” thinking is the classic symptom among people who struggle with anxiety and panic disorder.
Well, honestly I think it’s more of a cause than a symptom, but maybe it is both. In any case, when
someone’s having a panic attack and is plagued by worrisome thoughts, telling them to simply not worry
isn’t likely to help much.
“I can’t…” is the only reply you’ll receive from them. And it’s mostly true. They really don’t want to
worry so much. They really want to stop worrying. They try to stop, but they can’t. It’s literally too
much for them to change, at least right-now-this-second. They want to stop feeling panicky and stop
having panicky thoughts, but they can’t. They don’t want to be afraid, but they can’t help it. Their brain
is literally stuck in panic mode.
2. “Stop Being So Dramatic!”
A panic attack is not in your head. It is in your body.
The part of your brain that triggers these attacks – called the amygdala – is pumping adrenaline through
your body to fight off your attackers. Of course, there are no attackers, but your brain and nervous
system are overstimulated and overwhelmed, so your amygdala ends up triggering these fight-or-flight
responses over the smallest stressors…even imagined ones. Your heart is racing, you’re breathing
rapidly, your senses are buzzing, your muscles are jittery, and your mind is freaking out with all kinds of
scary thoughts.
During a panic attack, the victim often feels like she’s dying or is going insane. That’s a scary thing to be
going through, and having a friend or family member telling them to simply calm down and stop freaking
out isn’t going to help them calm down stop freaking out.
Again, their veins are pumped with adrenaline. They can’t help but freak out.
3. “Just Do What You Have To Do!”
This one always made me feel hurt and upset. My anxiety attacks often kept me from going to work,
and as a result, I lost a lot of jobs over the years. Well-intentioned family members – and even my
doctor – basically just told me that I have to do it because I have to do it. “Man up.” Stuff like that.
Well, gee. Thanks. Tell me something I don’t already know.
I told myself to just “do what you gotta do” dozens of times over the years while I was in the middle of
an attack, but it never helped me. I still had the panic attack. It still overwhelmed me. I still couldn’t do
what I had to do.
So then I just felt like more of a loser and a failure and a weakling and coward, and then I just sank into a
deeper depression, and that ended up fueling my anxiety even more.
4. “You Just Need To Have More Faith!”
I almost didn’t even want to bring this one up, especially after the drama firestorm I unintentionally
ignited in an anxiety forum last week when I asked members to share about how religion helps or hurts
them in their struggles with anxiety and depression. That topic was a huge trigger for one guy in that
forum, and well, anyway...it just turned into a huge drama and had me stressed out for over a week.
But it’s relevant.
It needs to be discussed.
So I’m discussing it.
I come from a conservative religious background. I grew up believing that my religion was the one true
religion and that whatever I asked for in prayer – with sufficient faith – my God would answer my
prayer.
Billions of people throughout history have believed this sort of thing.
Billions of people today still believe it, and when someone they know is having a panic attack in front of
them, their first instinct is to pray for them. Not only that, but many of those people feel the need to
tell the person having the panic attack that if they want to stop having anxiety, they need to have more
faith in [their] God.
This judgmental, faith-based approach will almost always do more harm than good.
I know it’s meant in a good way. Or at least, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that their motivation
is genuine love and concern. But it isn’t going to cure their anxiety. It will only make matters worse,
because the person will still suffer from panic attacks, and when God isn’t curing them, they are forced
to turn inward and start blaming themselves.
Their prayers don’t cure them, and then they just end up feeling even more depressed and anxious.
Sorry, but that’s the truth.
The Weird Thing About All This…
Now that we’ve covered how you shouldn’t be saying these things if you want to be helpful, here’s the
ironic part:
The advice listed above is actually not all that bad.
Like I mentioned at the beginning, I struggled with anxiety for many years before I finally got my life
back. How did I cure my anxiety? Well, it wasn’t pills, and it wasn’t prayers, and it wasn’t wishful
thinking.
Basically, the way I got my anxiety to finally go away was to directly address the root causes of it. After
a lifetime of low self-esteem and self-confidence, I finally got to a point where I was able to stand on my
own two feet and live my life the way I wanted.
All my life I was avoiding conflicts – real and imagined – and I was very unhappy. After reaching rock
bottom, I finally realized that I mattered too, and that I deserved to be happy, and I made the decision
that I would be happy on my own terms.
Little by little I began facing my fears, and I began to overcome them. Things that intimidated me no
longer stopped me in my tracks. I took control of my life, and that’s when those chains of fear and
anxiety and depression simply broke apart and fell off of me.
But it took a lot of time and work to get to there.
So, yeah, it’s ironic that telling someone who’s having a panic attack to just be strong and face their
fears isn’t going to help them, yet the way for them to beat their anxiety really is to work at becoming
stronger and facing their fears.
But that’s the thing. You can’t just tell them to do it for it to work. They have to want it. They have to
believe it. And they have to work on it for a long time. And they need the support of their loved ones
too.
But it’s their fight, not yours. Telling them what to do – when they probably are already telling
themselves the same thing with no effect – isn’t going to help in the short term. But supporting them
and believing in them – and letting them know that they can count on you to support them and believe
in them – can actually help.
It can help a lot.
Chapter 6: You Can’t Cure Somebody Else’s Anxiety Disorder
When a friend or family member starts having panic attacks and is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or
panic disorder, it’s like stepping into a whole new world. Not a good world. Just a different one. This
person who used to be able to go and do things all by herself suddenly can’t. Or maybe she just won’t?
Sure she claims that she can’t help it, but is that really true?
These are the kinds of thoughts that you start having. She’s having them too. It just seems so
unreal…how can she be so normal one day and then all of a sudden…she just can’t do anything by
herself? She can’t go anywhere alone. She worries about every little thing. She freaks out when there’s
nothing there. How can this be real?
And how can you help someone who’s going through this?
(Note: I keep saying, “she,”…but relax. It’s just a pronoun. Men get anxiety too. I should know, because
I was one of them.)
Your Beliefs And Their Beliefs
What do you believe is the cure for anxiety? What do you think your friend needs to do to get better?
How are you planning on helping?
First, let me say that I’m glad you want to help. People with an anxiety disorder need help from their
friends and family. So that’s awesome that you care and are willing to help them.
But helping someone get through their anxiety is kinda hard. The hard part is that anxiety is difficult to
figure out. You have certain beliefs about what it is, what caused it, and what will make it better. And
the person who is suffering from it has their own beliefs. And their doctors have their beliefs too. And
then there are others – like other friends and family members, ministers, bloggers (like me!) – who also
have their beliefs too.
The problem is that all these beliefs can be different, and that can be confusing. And frustrating.
Here’s what it’s like when you first get anxiety…
First they start having panic attacks. They think they’re dying…having a heart attack. So they go to the
hospital and guess what? Everything checks out. The paramedics or doctors tell them that they are
healthy, there’s nothing wrong with them…physically…and so…they…should go…see…a…
PSYCHIATRIST.
Oh great. So you’re telling me I’m crazy. Well that’s just great.
So they go and start taking some meds. Maybe the meds seem to help, or maybe the meds have other
side effects that make them feel loopy, or maybe the meds just make everything feel worse.
Then maybe they start going online and looking up anxiety disorders and start learning about it.
Everyone and their mom has an opinion about anxiety on the Internet. And some folks seem to be
willing to fight you to the death to defend their opinion about it. So anyways, they’re reading a lot of
different beliefs about anxiety, and now they’re getting confused. Some people give them hope. Others
seem intent on shattering it.
That makes them start to worry again.
And then they have another panic attack.
This time, they’re sure that something is seriously wrong. This time they’re really dying. So they call
911. And the paramedics come. And everything checks out.
It’s all in your head.
Now they are really afraid that they are going insane, and they’re gonna end up hurting themselves or
someone else, or maybe they’ll end up on the streets yelling at the cars driving by.
But eventually they accept that they aren’t dying and that they’re not going crazy. But that doesn’t
bring much relief. The panic attacks still happen, and people are judging them and telling them things
that only make them feel more frustrated.
This is how things typically go for someone with an anxiety disorder.
So it’s good that you want to help them, but please understand that you don’t have to give them advice
or tell them what to do to help them. It might help, but sometimes it just makes them feel worse,
especially when your beliefs about anxiety are clashing with their own beliefs about it.
They need someone to be on their side – unconditionally – showing compassion and supporting them
without passing judgment.
They Have To Be Ready To Be Cured
When I first found out that my “mood” (that’s what I called it when I would have an anxiety attack,
before the psychologist told me I had anxiety)…when I first found out I had anxiety, I had a very hard
time going to doctors about it and taking medication. In fact, when my doctor first gave me some antianxiety meds (one of those sample/starter packs), I took one the moment I left his office, but then I
never took another one and just threw the rest of them in the trash.
Why was I so reluctant to take my meds?
I guess it was because I felt, deep down inside, that I shouldn’t have to take a pill every day just to be
normal. Human beings have been living on this planet for millions of years (or at least thousands,
depending on who you ask) without taking these pills. How did all those billions of people manage to
get through their lives without modern medicine? I mean, is Mother Nature so dumb or powerless that
humans can’t make it through their day naturally, without some artificial, pharmaceutical assistance?
That just seemed a little off to me, and it still seems off to me. And I’ve since learned that I was actually
right to trust my instincts and that meds wouldn’t cure my anxiety. I understood deep down inside that
my thinking patterns and behavior patterns were what caused me to have this anxiety problem, so I
knew that pills weren’t the solution.
I also already understood that our society today prescribes pills for everything. It’s like we’re a culture
of quick fixes: a pill for this and a pill for that. But pills don’t permanently solve problems, they
temporarily address symptoms. That’s not to say that pills aren’t necessary in some cases. They are.
But those extreme cases are rare. Hell, we take pills when we just have a cold or a little sniffle, and then
when our bodies fight off the cold, we give the pills all the credit. Stupid.
Anyway, so I knew that pills weren’t the solution for my anxiety and depression, but I still wasn’t ready
to heal myself.
Going back even further, to when I was a teenager and was severely depressed, it was clear back then
that I wasn’t ready to get over my depression. I remember people trying to talk to me and cheer me up,
my school counselor telling me how I’m not the only one who feels this way or trying to get me to focus
on the good things I had in my life, and inside I was just arguing with her.
Whenever someone gave me good reasons to be happy about my life, I would argue with them, at least
in my own mind. It’s like I didn’t really want to be happy. I wasn’t ready yet. It’s like my depression had
become a part of my identity, and I wasn’t yet ready to let it go.
I hated it, but I still wanted it.
Years later, when anxiety became more of an issue, I eventually ended up giving in to the modern
mentality and just gave up on trying to get over it. I succumbed to the idea that anxiety is just another
mental illness and that it cannot be cured but that it could be managed with the right kinds of medicine
and therapy. So I went back to the doctor. And I took my meds.
And they didn’t even help! haha ;)
But at least I was willing to try again, even though it didn’t help and it was only a few months before my
meds ran out and my insurance ran out and my money ran out and my faith in meds ran out.
They Need A Change, Not A Cure
It would still be a few years before I would finally be free of anxiety. But the interesting thing was that I
never became cured by trying to become cured. Does that make sense? I’ve learned that the best way
to fight anxiety is to stop fighting it. We do all these things to “cure anxiety,” but after a while it starts
to feel like all we’re really doing is giving more power to it, feeding it.
Sure there are strategies that can help in the short-term: prescription drugs, vitamins and supplements,
herbal concoctions, exercise, meditation, diet changes, etc. But these are just quick fixes that address
the symptoms. They aren’t really cures.
Even the term “cure” is misleading.
What do you think of when you hear, “Anxiety cure”?
You think of some kind of pill, don’t you? Like, something that you buy at the store and pop into your
mouth and BAM! Anxiety cured.
And that’s a huge part of the problem. There is no cure for anxiety…at least not in that sense. There is
no quick fix.
If your loved one with anxiety wants to truly cure their anxiety, then they need to address the root
cause behind it. And that means addressing their thought patterns and behavior patterns that led up to
the disorder in the first place.
Avoidance is the name of the game.
That’s basically what it all comes down to. They have been avoiding conflicts, avoiding fears, avoiding
situations that made them feel awkward, uncomfortable, intimidated, fearful, frustrated. They haven’t
been dealing with those situations and stressors head on – usually for years – and the stress builds and
builds and builds until their nervous system simply can’t bear the strain any longer and POP! Now they
have a full-blown anxiety disorder, and now it’s going to take some major changes in their life to get
back to normal.
But they are the ones who have to make it happen. You can’t cure them. You can’t just tell them to do
this and that and stop this and stop that. It doesn’t work that way. They have to own it. They have to
believe in it. They have to fight it and do the work themselves. I know you want to help, but you have
to learn to back off a little and give them some space to work it out themselves.
You Can Support Them, But You Can’t Push Them
It will be frustrating. For them and for you. There will be times when you just want to scream, “STOP
WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!” Hopefully you won’t go there. And if you do, then hopefully you’ll
apologize when you calm down. Maybe they’ll scream at you too, and hopefully apologize later.
The hardest part will be when they don’t seem to want help. Maybe they give up trying to go to the
doctor or give up taking their meds or they just seem unwilling to try to change their negative thought
patterns and avoidance behaviors. That’s when you wish you could just give them some tough love and
force them to get better…for their own good.
That’s not the solution, though.
You can’t fight their battles for them. They have to get there themselves. And if they’re battling
depression and have no motivation to try to make changes, then you just have to accept that they’re not
there yet. It takes time.
The best thing you can do to help them is to be compassionate and non-judgmental.
When you have anxiety, you feel like the whole world is judging you and looking down on you. You feel
like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, no point trying. You look around and see
everyone being so normal, doing the everyday things that you used to be able to do, but now you can’t
do them. You want to scream at the unfairness of it all.
When you have anxiety, all you want is for someone you love to understand, or at least to be on your
side no matter what.
So if you want to help your friend, spouse, child or whoever with their anxiety, that’s the person you
need to be. That’s the person they need you to be.
This Is Not Your Fight
This is not your fight. It’s theirs. You may want to fight for them, but you can’t do that. They need to
work it out themselves.
You can’t cure them.
But you can support them. You can encourage them. You can believe in them. You can help them know
that they are loved and valued and that you will always be there for them.
That’s how you can make a difference in their life.
Chapter 7: How To Support Friends And Family Who Suffer From
Anxiety
Keeping Your Criticisms To Yourself Is Not The Same Thing As Being Supportive
We talked a bit previously about how people with anxiety often feel like everybody is judging them –
even people who are closest to them, like friends and family members. The sucky thing is that a lot of
people truly are judging them. And we know this, because those people will just come out and say it.
But that isn’t helpful.
You probably know this already. Maybe you found out the hard way by trying to help a spouse or friend
who’s suffering from anxiety, and your well-intentioned words only made the situation worse. That’s
just the reality of it.
So now, maybe you still think that this person is over-reacting to stress and that they just need to be
stronger and do what they gotta do…and stop freaking out all the time. But since you talked to them
about it and they just don’t seem to be listening to you – maybe they even got defensive – now you’re
just keeping your thoughts to yourself.
That’s good. In fact, it’s great. Criticisms aren’t going to help someone who’s suffering from panic
attacks – especially if you criticize them during a panic attack – so sometimes holding your tongue is all
you can do at the moment.
But is keeping your criticism to yourself good enough?
Is that the best way to be supportive?
The truth is that not judging someone – out loud or silently – is not really the same thing as being
supportive. Sure, it might seem to you like you’re being supportive. But take it from someone who’s
been there…not criticizing someone with anxiety is not the same as being supportive, especially if you’ve
already criticized them in the past.
I experienced that from my own family when I was struggling with anxiety. They’d hold it in and hold it
in until they couldn’t anymore, and then they’d burst and all this criticism would come gushing out all
over me. I’d feel buried in it. And then they’d hold it all in again after that, but I could still feel it. Not a
day would go by that I couldn’t feel that pain, couldn’t feel their judging thoughts. It hurt me. If there
was anyone in the whole world that I wanted to understand and support me and not judge me, it was
my own family living in my own house. But sometimes the best I could get was silence.
But silence isn’t support.
Show Support Using Words AND Actions
So how do you really show someone with anxiety that you support them? That you are there for them
in their struggle and that they don’t have to suffer in silence?
Well, you could just come out and tell them that. That’s a good start. A lot of people don’t even take
that first step. So you tell them, and then you keep telling them (because they need to hear it and keep
hearing it as time goes by).
And then you back it up by continuing to be supportive through your words and actions. Being
supportive without judging them doesn’t have to mean that you’re enabling them to keep shrinking
back from life, not at all. But even if it did mean that, it would be more helpful to err on the side of
compassion.
I was just recently reading an article online by some “expert” Ph.D. therapist advising people to be
heavy-handed with family members who suffered with anxiety. You know, don’t “baby” them and let
them get away with being irresponsible and detached. The advice she was giving people really made me
sick to my stomach. She obviously never suffered from an anxiety disorder herself.
It reminded me of when my own doctor – who was also my wife’s doctor at the time – when I overheard
him tell her that she should give me an “ultimatum.” I was currently unemployed (again) and wasn’t
able to hold down a job. I kept having panic attacks before work and couldn’t make myself go clock in,
so I just kept losing job after job. I’m glad she never followed his advice! If she had, we’d be divorced
right now, and we’d both probably be worse off for it (along with our kids).
So what are some ways you can show support to someone with anxiety?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Call or message the other person fairly often, just to touch base and say hello.
Get together and hang out one-on-one in a non-threatening environment.
Exercise together, even if it’s just going for a walk around the mall.
Maintain a positive attitude when interacting with this person.
Help out around the house or with childcare and grocery shopping.
Help them follow through with their treatment plan, counseling appointments, etc.
Offer to help, but don’t push them to get help.
The Difference Between Being Supportive And Being Encouraging
Just as withholding criticism is not the same as being supportive, it is also true that being supportive is
not necessarily the same thing as being an encouragement. One can be passive, while the other one can
only be active.
Encouragement is like taking your support to the next level. It implies a certain amount of enthusiasm
and positivity. We’re not talking about being fake or anything, though. It’s just that there can come a
point where your supportiveness degrades into a kind of simply going through the motions. This is
natural. It’s going to be a long journey, and you can’t always be cheering them on like some kind of
super fan. Sometimes you might get a little worn out yourself.
If that happens, then you need to make sure that you also take time for yourself to refresh and give a
little self-love. This is especially common when you are living with the person with anxiety. You’ve only
got so much to give, only so much energy to go around. But it’s important that you allow yourself some
“me time” as well. In fact, sometimes you’re the one who’s going to need someone else to lean on
when things get tough. So don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself too.
But what I’m also talking about here is how anxiety sufferers also need positive encouragement and not
just passive support. I mean, the bus driver can drive them to their appointments on time. That could
be seen as supportive, but it is a far cry from encouragement.
Supportive actions can be carried out in a passive, neutral way. Come to think of it, a person can even
be passive-aggressive about it, outwardly going through the motions of offering support, yet inwardly
beginning to judge again or even despise the person.
So as helpful as it is to be supportive, sometimes what your loved one needs is that extra something,
that genuine positive word of encouragement. Not in a way that invalidates their feelings, such as…
“Aw…come on. You’ll be fine. You just gotta stop worrying. You’re tougher than this...”
That sounds encouraging from your end, but from their perspective it just makes them feel like they are
being weak or something, because they already keep trying not to worry and they already keep trying to
be tough…but they keep on failing.
So that’s not exactly the kind of encouragement we’re going for. The idea is there, but the timing or
maybe the delivery is where the difference lies.
This is where empathy comes in.
Empathy Makes All The Difference In The World
You might not really know from personal experience what your friend is going through with their anxiety
issues, and that’s okay. Half the time, they can’t even understand it themselves. But if your heart is
willing, you can make the effort to share their burden with them and show them the compassion they so
desperately need.
Knowing there is someone like you who loves them and accepts them unconditionally is a great source
of strength and comfort. They won’t have very many people in their life who are willing to believe in
them and stand with them through this time.
Having that kind of support will often give them that extra bit of hope to pick themselves up and try
again to push beyond their ever-shrinking comfort zone and get back to living a normal life.
Chapter 8: Help A Spouse With Anxiety By Building Them Up
Hey.
How you doin’? 
So your husband or wife has anxiety, huh? Sucks doesn’t it? I mean, you’re not even the one who has
it, but still…it’s not easy for you either.
I can totally understand that, because I’ve actually been on BOTH sides of this equation. Not only did I
struggle with anxiety for several years, but my wife has too.
So this post is going to be hard for me to write, on a personal level. First, it will be hard because it will
remind me of how I did not always support my wife adequately in dealing with her panic disorder.
Second, it will be hard because it may remind me of how I also didn’t always get the support I needed
from her in dealing with my own anxiety and depression. We do a whole lot better nowadays, but in our
earlier years, we didn’t always build each other up as much as we could have.
Hey, that’s life. We do the best we can, right? Or at least, we try. But we can always do better.
When Your Spouse Has Anxiety
You already know how frustrating it is when your spouse has anxiety. You want to help, but it just
seems like there’s nothing you can do. It’s confusing for them to figure it out, but it’s confusing for you
too. How can you help? What can you do? Where do you even begin?
I think the best place to begin is with compassion and humility. It almost doesn’t even seem real, this
whole anxiety thing. I mean, the doctor says there’s nothing wrong. The paramedics said there’s
nothing wrong. Lots of other people out there say the same thing.
It’s all in her head. She can change if she wants to.
Wow. I’ve heard that kind of thing. I’ve thought it about myself too. I figured out for myself – from my
own experience – but most couples probably don’t BOTH have anxiety like me and my wife did, so they
cannot really relate to them.
So if you are like that too, not sure how to help, not sure how to relate, not sure what’s really happening
here, then the place to start is by not judging. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. They aren’t
just being weak or irresponsible or irrational. And they aren’t going crazy. Their nervous system is
overloaded by stress, and it’s going to take some changes and a lot of time for them to recover from it
all.
It took me several years to recover and get back to normal (just to give you a head’s up).
So the best place to start is to simply not judge or criticize or minimize your spouse’s feelings. Try to
empathize. Try to be understanding. Try to be supportive.
How We Sometimes Fall Short In Supporting Our Spouses
I think the hardest part in having a spouse with anxiety – as opposed to having a friend with anxiety – is
that it is always there. When your friend is just too much for you to deal with, you can just leave and
say, “Call me.” But you can’t do that when it’s your wife or husband. Well, you can, but you’d be a total
jerk haha! 
So I think that’s the hardest part for you, the never-endingness of it. That’s where their anxiety takes its
toll on you, so we’ll talk some more about that in a little bit.
But there’s another aspect of this that is especially rough for couples, for you and for them. And that
has to do with our expectations.
Have you ever noticed how a friend, or maybe an acquaintance, can do something wrong and it’s not
really that big a deal for you? But if it’s your spouse – OH HELL NO! Have you seen this? I’ve
experienced this plenty of times over the years, both on the giving end and on the receiving end.
It’s not that we love our spouse less than this other person. It’s just that we are SO FAMILIAR with our
spouse…we live with them day in and day out, and so we often have less patience when dealing with
their shortcomings. We can also have a harder time recognizing their good points too, for that same
reason: we are so familiar with them.
There’s this history that colors the way we look at our spouse. This…negative baggage. We sometimes
see negative stuff that isn’t even there at the moment, because we project past hurts and previous
failings onto them in the present. When they let us down in some way, we don’t just see this one
failure…we see years of failures and we feel all that pain and disappointment all over again.
Changing Your Attitudes About Your Spouse And Their Anxiety
So learning to see your spouse with fresh eyes – compassionate eyes – is one of the best things you can
do to help them.
1.
2.
3.
4.
stop criticizing and judging
become supportive in word and in action
go beyond being supportive and actively encourage them
believe in them and build them up
We’ve already talked in more detail about how keeping our judgments to ourselves is not the same
thing as being supportive. And we’ve also talked already about how it’s possible to be outwardly
supportive without actually being an encouragement to our spouse. So let’s go beyond that and focus
more on how we can really build up our spouse’s self-esteem and self-confidence. That’s really where
the root problem lies for so many people who suffer from anxiety. They’ve become overloaded by
stress because they tried to hold it all in rather than deal with it directly.
Sure it’s not JUST “all in their head.” Anxiety disorder is physiological response to stress. It’s a nervous
system that is out of whack. That’s a physical problem in their body and brain. But in a way, when you
step back and look at the larger picture, the way out of this mess is to learn new attitudes and behaviors
that will help them cope more adequately with everyday stresses. Learning to deal directly with
conflicts instead of avoiding them…things like that. So the solution – in the long term – is kinda in their
head.
And that’s the beautiful part for you. This is where you come in. This is where you can really help your
spouse deal with their anxiety. Once you’ve curbed your own criticisms and learned to empathize a bit,
and once you’ve learned to be supportive with both your words and your actions, it’s time to press
forward and really be that source of strength and support that your spouse needs to climb out of this
pit.
Build your spouse up. Praise her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Celebrate the small victories. If you’ve
somewhat drifted away over the years, now is the time to come alongside your spouse and partner up
with her. She needs that. She craves that. We all do, right?
Why It Is Important To Take Your Supportiveness To The Next Level
You can keep negative criticisms and judgmental thoughts to yourself, but that won’t help your spouse
very much. You can drive her to doctor appointments and remind her to take her meds or drink her
herbal tea or go for a walk, but that isn’t going to cure her.
Why not?
Because you can do all those things and still feel resentment towards her in your heart, and I guarantee
you – she can feel that. She doesn’t just need a lack of negativity; she needs the positive stuff too. She
needs a spouse who genuinely has her back and who she knows she can count on for the long haul, no
matter what. She needs that sense of security. Every marriage needs that. Without it, she’s fighting an
uphill battle. Well, she’s already fighting an uphill battle, but you know what I mean.
When you build her up, and when you strengthen your marriage, you are really paving the road to her
recovery from anxiety.
Do Not Forget To Care For Yourself Too
You matter too.
I read this tip in an article on eHow.com. It’s so simple, but it’s one that so many others overlook
(myself included). But how true it is. We need to take time out for ourselves too.
You can only give so much before you run yourself dry.
You give and you give and you give, but sometimes you need to give to yourself too. This isn’t selfish in
any way. It’s just realistic. You can’t be much help to your spouse when you yourself are feeling burned
out. This is what we were talking about a couple minutes ago. When you just have a friend or distant
family member struggling with anxiety, you can always step away from it all when you need to. But
when it’s your spouse, right here in your own home, it just feels like there’s no escaping it. Everywhere
you look, anxiety is touching your life. When you wake up and when you lie down, it is there.
So make sure that you also take some time for yourself. Your spouse won’t die if you go out – just you –
to spend some time with some friends and have a cup of coffee or a couple beers (or whatever your
thing is). It will do you some good, and it might do her some good too to be on her own for a while.
So take time for yourself. That will help you recharge your batteries so you can also be there for you
spouse.
Chapter 9: My Story: Beating Anxiety And Depression Without Meds
My name is Chris, and I’m 39 years old.
For most of my life I struggled with depression and anxiety. I was shy as a kid. I was pretty much a
loner. An only child too. I was basically a happy kid, I guess, but I had some real self-esteem issues. I
was chubby. I was never popular. I felt ugly. I never had a girlfriend until I was an adult.
And I hated conflict.
Avoided conflict like the plague.
I even avoided conflicts that didn’t exist yet. The potential was there, though, in my mind. What if this
happened? Or what if someone said that? Then what would I do?
These kind of thought patterns and behavior patterns set me up for anxiety attacks later in life.
This is the story of how I overcame my anxiety and depression without medications and professional
therapy. I’m not against those things for controlling anxiety symptoms – they can be effective, shortterm treatment options for many people – but I had no luck with them.
Eventually, I recovered from anxiety more or less on my own, by making major lifestyle changes,
removing myself from the main sources of stress, realizing that I deserved to be happy, committing to
my own happiness, and then dealing directly with the root causes of stress and frustration in my life.
Stress Reducer #1 – Goodbye Religion
My drift away from Christianity began after high school, when I started going to a “secular” (i.e. nonchristian) college. My first year of community college, I took philosophy. I took religion. I took history
and political science too. All my life I had been a Christian and just took it for granted that all that stuff
was true. But when I finally came out from under my Christian umbrella and into a world that questions
and rejects the bible, it wasn’t long before I was questioning – and rejecting – my religious beliefs.
But by my 2nd year of community college, I started to feel a little better. And you know, I got “back to
God.” I bumped into some of the cool kids from high school who were apparently SUPER into Jesus, and
they just welcomed me into their little community, and that gave me an immediate boost of selfesteem. (Of course, it was a boost from God, not just from the cool kids…) Those were good days (and
good people, too), and my depression dialed down a little during that time.
But anyways that happy time lasted for several years. Well technically, a lot of that depression and
anxiety was still with me during my Jesus phase, because it turned out that Jesus wasn’t really the
answer to all my problems.
I think the reason that fairly stable period lasted that long was largely because of…well…action. I was
doing stuff that made me feel good and made me feel good about myself. Also, after moving to Hawaii I
got really involved in a church there, was in a Christian rock band, married an awesome girl from church,
had kids, and you know…that brought a lot of joy into my life too!
Love One Another…
The other huge part of it was what I think is truly the greatest idea Christianity has tried to spread
throughout the world: unconditional love. Not that Christians practice that perfectly or consistently.
Sometimes they really suck at it (haha that’s a hilarious understatement, isn’t it?).
But the desire to be loved without having to jump through hoops is a pretty big deal for us human
beings. I think that for most of us who struggle with beating anxiety and depression…the greatest gift
anyone can give us is to love us unconditionally.
The cool thing about love is that to get it, all you have to do is give it. That doesn’t sound very
unconditional, I suppose, but IT IS realistic. Love does seem to work that way.
So as it turns out, one way to attract love and acceptance into your own life – and just automatically
boost your self-esteem -- is to act lovingly towards others. Don’t make them earn your love; just give it.
Make this into a daily habit and you will start to see others treating you pretty well too. And it feels
good, even before it starts coming back to you.
But let’s talk about me again. ;)
Me…
So I was doing pretty well with my new Christian friends, going to church and bible studies, learning
about Jesus and learning to love people unconditionally. But the frustration kept creeping back in. And
when you’re frustrated, you’re not happy.
Why was I so frustrated?
Because I was finding it hard to believe in all this stuff that I was supposed to believe in. I mean, it’s easy
to believe in the value of unconditional love, but it’s hard to reconcile that with the very conditional love
I kept reading about in the Bible. Nevermind the conditional love that so many religious folks
demonstrate. God himself seemed to be pretty conditional with his love and acceptance.
And then there’s all the supernatural stuff and invisible…
SCREEECH!
Okay, well now I’m getting into a topic that really deserves a whole chapter (or a whole book!) of its
own, and honestly, it’s not a big thing for me anymore, so I’m gonna back away from that for a little bit
and keep things moving along…
So my religious beliefs continued to crumble until there just wasn’t much left. That was frustrating. It
made me unhappy, and I didn’t know what to do next. I stopped going to church. I stopped hanging out
with my church friends (which were the only ones I had). And I gradually started spiraling right back into
depression and feeling crappy all over again.
Religion filled me with irrational ideas and false hopes, but when I lost that religion, lost what little hope
I had. That was all I knew…and it was suddenly gone. I still had nothing positive to put in its place.
And I struggled through this dark place for several more years. Eventually I was able to accept that I
wasn’t a Christian anymore and that I didn’t believe in all that stuff, but it would still take me awhile
before I got to a point where I felt secure and confident about that.
I think one reason for that was that my wife was still a Christian, my whole family was still Christian
(more or less), and all my friends…well I didn’t have any by this point. But my whole life was set up for
me to be a Christian, but I wasn’t one anymore.
Doesn’t sound like a recipe for happiness, does it?
So, there was a lot of pressure on me – both externally and internally -- to conform and go back to
religion. But after several years, I finally came to a point where I could stand firm (heh heh) against that
pressure and hold my ground and be my own person.
And that felt really, really good. :)
This was a crucial part of my recovery and personal growth.
Stress Reducer #2 – Goodbye Day Job
Another huge lifestyle change that helped me beat anxiety disorder was making the shift away from
working a regular job to dabbling with entrepreneurship and working from home.
Work was a huge source of stress and conflict for me. I was having anxiety attacks before work, and
there were so many days when I just couldn’t even get out of my car and go clock in. Over the course of
two decades, I lost over 20 jobs because of this problem.
I could work, but I couldn’t clock in.
How dumb is that?
How do you hold down a job when you can’t even clock in?
Well…
You can’t.
That’s why I lost over 20 jobs before age 40! ;)
I’d get a job. I’d love it for a while. But then I’d start feeling stressed out. There’d be conflict at home
over it too. Disagreements over schedules, time off, long commutes, cell phone and communication
issues, whatever. I’d feel stressed about going to work, then I’d feel stressed out about going home.
But did I deal with those issues head on?
Come on…I had anxiety disorder. You know I didn’t deal with it. So, my brain did what it always did. It
dealt with it for me by giving me panic attacks and nausea so that I wouldn’t go to work.
But then I’d have to come home and tell my wife that I lost another job. And what kind of father tells his
kids that they have to go to school when he himself won’t even go to work? And what about paying the
bills? And what about medical insurance?
Sigh.
So that just caused me to spiral into depression even more. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand,
and I hated them. But I felt powerless against them for a long, long time.
Starting My Own Business
Eventually I started to realize that this wasn’t working. Well, I already realized that years before, but I
didn’t really see any other options. But after more than a decade, I started to think out of the box.
If I can’t find a job that I can keep in spite of my anxiety attacks, then I’ll make my own job. I’ll start my
own business. That way, if I have an anxiety attack and can’t work that day, nobody can fire me. I may
lose money, but I’ll still have a job the next day.
I made several attempts to start my own business, and honestly, I’m still not quite successful at this
haha ;) But I’m getting there. Every step I take helps me to become stonger and more confident in
myself. I may not always be succeeding, but I am always learning.
Plus I am making some money along the way…
Freelance Photography
I loved photography, and I was pretty good at it. So that seemed like an obvious choice for starting my
own business.
I was a freelance photographer for over a year. I did okay. Made some money. Built up some repeat
clients. Got some photos published in magazines, newspapers, cd covers, stuff like that. I was making
money, but not nearly as much as a day job. Not enough to pay my mortgage and all our bills. So I
eventually gave up and went back to the job hunting (or job hopping, to be more accurate).
Despite my failure, I did make some money. And I learned some lessons. And most importantly, I
started to take control of my life. Make my own decisions. Stand on my own feet. I started to move
towards independence and self-sufficiency and personal, inner strength.
I still fell flat on my face haha! But it was a good step in the right direction. I had the right idea.
But for the next couple years, it was back to work and back to JobLand…
So I got another job.
Lost another job.
Got depressed.
Picked myself back up.
Got another job again.
Lost another job again.
Got depressed again.
Picked myself back up again.
Got another job again (again).
Lost another job again (again).
Got depressed again (again).
Picked myself back up again (again).
AND THEN I CHANGED THE GAME…
Internet Marketing, Freelance Writing, And Blogging
I googled something about being a loser. I don’t remember the exact path I wandered down on my
computer that day, but somehow I came across some guy who had a blog and wrote articles and made
money on the Internet just working at home on his computer.
He actually made a living doing this.
I had never heard of anything like this in my life. I mean, I knew about the Internet, of course. I used it
all the time. I heard about blogs too. I wasn’t into them, but I heard something about it. But it
fascinated me. Here was this guy, kinda like me. He struggled with some depression. Maybe anxiety
too, I dunno. Maybe bipolar 2 or something, I dunno. But he was a smart guy, a hard worker, and he
was doing his own thing at home. I thought, if other people are out there doing this, then I can do it too.
It sounds perfect for me.
And it was.
And it IS.
That’s what I’m doing today.
It didn’t cure my anxiety or anything, though. Beating anxiety disorder takes more than just a change of
scenery. But a change of scenery really did help. It played a major part.
When I kept bouncing from job to job, I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. It was
pointless. I wasn’t breaking through that wall – no matter how hard I kept banging my head against it!
All I was doing was hurting myself and getting more frustrated and burnt out and depressed. It just
wasn’t working, so I decided to try something else.
I started writing articles for other people’s websites and getting paid for it. I started my own websites
and wrote articles for them and got paid for it. And it helped.
The point was not whether it’s better to have a job or to have a business. The point is that I was stuck in
an endless cycle and was getting nowhere, but then I broke out of the cycle and tried something else. I
got away from the stressful work environment. I got away from the stress at work. I avoided the stress
at home too. I made major lifestyle change.
Sure, not having a steady income added new stresses into the mix, but at least my situation at home was
better. No more arguing about not being there when my wife needed me. No more fights about getting
time off to do stuff with the kids. I needed a day off for family time? I took it. That was a huge plus for
me and for my family.
It wasn’t enough to cure my anxiety, because – let’s face it – it was still an avoidance behavior. But it
really helped a lot by removing me from a huge stressor and giving my nervous system a break from the
frequent anxiety attacks.
Stress Reducer #3 – Goodbye Unhappy Marriage
I hate to say it, but my marriage caused me a lot of stress too. My wife is awesome, and I love her to
death, and she’s the best thing to ever happen to me. But our relationship wasn’t good in a lot of ways.
I mean, we loved each other. We sure didn’t hate each other. And we were basically good people. We
just disagreed about a lot of stuff, and when we disagreed, we wouldn’t work things out properly.
She’d yell at me, maybe threaten to divorce me.
I’d get all scared to lose her and would just climb back into my shell and hide until the storm passed.
Then we’d go back to our daily business.
Sometimes it was passive-aggressive.
Sometimes it was aggressive-aggressive.
But it never really got dealt with.
And over a decade and a half, we built up a lot of unresolved anger and frustration, bitterness and
resentment.
And pride.
A big, fat wall of pride.
It was bad enough to ruin our marriage, but not bad enough to end it. So we continued to live on in this
somewhat broken marriage for many years. We had good times, sure, but the bad times never really
got dealt with, so there was never really forgiveness. It was never that bad, but it was never that good
either.
The constant stress fed my anxiety. The constant conflict-avoidance fed it even more.
And eventually, I had all I could stand.
Accepting That Divorce Was Inevitable
For about a year, I thought about divorce a lot. I didn’t want it. But I finally accepted the “fact” that
eventually my wife would leave me. It was just a matter of time until our money ran out and we lost our
house. And when that finally happened, I knew that the end would soon follow.
So I prepared myself. I accepted it. I imagined how it would be to be on my own. The thought of it
really sucked at first, but eventually I got used to it. After about a year, I got to the point that I was okay
with it.
A few more months after that, and I was more than okay with it.
We had a series of big blowouts (basically, I resolved to not back down anymore, because I wasn’t afraid
of any threat of divorce anymore). And we spent like a week or more not talking to each other. It was
stupid, but you know how it goes. ;)
I spent a lot of time alone and did a lot of thinking during that week.
And that’s when I decided to take the plunge.
I…
WANTED…
OUT…
Happily Deciding To Divorce
I’m not proud of wanting a divorce. But after all those years of always fearing it, I am proud that I finally
conquered that fear of divorce. That was HUGE for me. It was the final giant piece of the puzzle in my
struggle to overcome anxiety. It was a big win for me. I needed that.
When I finally made up my mind that I deserved to be happy – even if it meant divorce – that was so
good for me. For the first time in my entire life, I really valued myself. I valued my own happiness on its
own terms. Once I made that decision – happily made that decision – I felt this rush of peace and joy
and strength and confidence like I had never before experienced in my entire life. Words cannot
describe how amazing it felt.
It was liberating.
Total freedom.
I felt free. Not free from my wife. I didn’t hate her. She wasn’t a bad person or anything. No, I felt free
to be me. Free to be my own person. To make my own decisions. To live my own life my own way.
I felt free to pursue my own happiness. I hadn’t really done that for my whole life. It was always about
what somebody else wanted, never about me. So this was really a big deal.
After that initial euphoria subsided, I came back to my senses. What the hell was I thinking? I couldn’t
break up our family. But I didn’t need to. I had my own personal breakthrough, and that was enough.
So I decided not to follow through on it. I never even told my wife that I was going to divorce her.
But then she went on my iPad.
She checked my browsing history, and she saw all this stuff about divorce and child custody and all that.
And she started talking about it and planning her new life too.
So I figured, eh, what the hell. Let’s just do it, then.
Flashbacks From My Own Childhood
When I started talking to my 12 year old about it, he took it well. I mean, he actually seemed
pretty…um…excited.
“So I get to have TWO homes? COOL!”
He didn’t get it.
I was open to us still having contact with each other (me and my wife)…doing stuff with our son together
sometimes, but when we all sat together and talked about what it would really be like, that’s when the
reality kicked in for him.
And I could see it in his eyes. I could see the very moment when his little heart broke into a million
pieces. And he began to cry uncontrollably. He’d look at his mom and hug her and they’d cry. Then
he’d turn to me and try to breathe, and we’d hug and cry.
In that instant, seeing the look on his face, I knew EXACTLY what he was feeling. I felt that same way
many times when I was a kid.
My parents divorced when I was very young, and I would spend every other weekend or so with my dad.
And every time, when he’d drop me off at my mom’s, I’d stand there in the driveway and watch him
drive down the street and turn the corner, and my heart would break all over again. Every single time.
And I’d cry uncontrollably. I’d cry so hard I couldn’t even breathe.
I’d cry the same way my son was crying now.
I felt like I had put us on a massive freight train and got us up to full speed. But now I could see the
tracks ahead, and we were heading straight off a cliff to our doom, and there wasn’t a damn thing I
could do to stop it.
What the hell have I done?
I was making the biggest mistake of my life and taking my family with me. I wanted my wife to yell,
“STOP!” so badly, but she wouldn’t say it. And I wouldn’t say it either. My pride kept me from opening
my mouth, and maybe hers did too, so I just kept on riding that train as I went back downstairs, laid
down on the couch and went to sleep.
Happily Deciding To Stay Married
I’m grateful that my wife is a better person than I am.
That next morning, she came to me and asked if we had done everything in our power to save our
marriage, and of course I knew that we hadn’t. We both knew that. So we talked and we cried and we
decided to try and work things out.
It was kinda freaky how quickly our marriage improved after that. ;)
It was like instantly a brand new relationship. We felt like honeymooners all over again. Only this time,
we had the kind of marriage we were supposed to have all along. We talked to each other. Not just
about shopping lists and home improvement projects, but about real stuff.
No more passive aggressive bs. No more stuffing it down. No more pride and bitterness and
resentment. This time we did it right.
The marriage that was once a source of stress and frustration for both of us has now become a source of
strength and joy and fulfillment for us.
My marriage is an anxiety slayer! :)
Stress Reducer #4 – Goodbye Avoidance Behaviors
After the death and rebirth of my marriage, things started to really change rapidly. I suddenly felt this
assurance that my anxiety was totally and completely gone. I could just feel it. But I didn’t have a job or
any upcoming social gatherings, so I couldn’t prove it haha.
But that got me thinking…
Hey, maybe I should test it out, you know? Really prove that my anxiety is gone.
So I started to think of ways to test it, to prove that I was all normal again. I thought about how I could
do it. I knew that I would have to go back and start doing the things that anxiety prevented me from
doing all these years.
I would go snorkeling in the ocean again.
I would go to parties and clubs and concerts again.
I would…gasp…get a job again, just to prove I could do it.
I would call people up on the phone again and make new friends again too.
So I set out on my quest to start taking my life back and doing these normal things again. I also thought
of things that I never did in my entire life. Things that I always felt too intimidated to do, like stand up
for myself in a conflict. I mean, I wasn’t gonna go out and pick a fight or anything, but in little, everyday
conflicts.
Like calling back the gym to have them reverse the charges that they wrongly kept applying to my credit
card (I had quit 3 months prior, but they were still trying to charge me). I would talk more openly about
my religion – or lack of religion – without being afraid of what my old friends and family might think
about me.
Stuff like that.
So now it was time to stop saying, “Goodbye” to all this crap that held me back in life and start saying,
“Hello” to the wide open world of possibilities before me.
Time to be normal.
Or who knows?
Maybe…extraordinary?
Moving Forward – Hello Confidence And Strength
So that’s where I’m at today. I’m moving forward with my life. I’m facing my old fears. I’m dealing with
the sources of my stress directly and not letting myself fall into those same old patterns of fear and
intimidation and avoidance.
Those thought patterns and behavior patterns are what led me to develop this anxiety in the first place.
So if I want to keep from falling back into anxiety attacks again, I need to take direct action and face
life’s challenges head-on.
And I need to pursue happiness.
I deserve to be happy.
And I will be happy.
I know that now.
Chapter 10: Anxiety And Happiness Cannot Coexist
Some of the best breakthroughs I had in trying to beat anxiety came after I stopped trying to beat
anxiety. ;)
It turns out that when I had an “anti-anxiety” mindset, I actually sabotaged myself a little bit. It’s like by
focusing so much on what I didn’t want (anxiety attacks), I was actually feeding my disorder and giving it
even more power over me. It’s like I was just reinforcing what a big deal anxiety was and how it was so
scary. I was programming my brain to be afraid of The Almighty Power Of Anxiety.
But when I stopped thinking about what I DIDN’T want and just started thinking more exclusively about
what I DID want, that’s when the big changes started to happen. I didn’t even do this intentionally in
order to overcome anxiety; I just did it to be happy. And when my life started rapidly improving, I was
like, “How the heck did THAT happen? Where’s my anxiety?”
So I started to go back and evaluate what I did that made the difference. When I identified this angle on
it, at first it seemed too simple to be the answer. But it did make sense to me. So I started to actively
practice this non-fighting against anxiety. And guess what? Here I am, right? Anxiety? GONE.
As Happiness Increases, Anxiety Decreases Automatically
You can’t increase your happiness and increase your anxiety simultaneously. They just don’t go
together like that. As one increases, the other one automatically decreases. All on its own. You don’t
even have to try; it just happens like that.
This was a huge “AH-HA!” moment for me. Anxiety and happiness cannot co-exist. They are mortal
enemies. They cannot stand to be in the same room with each other. ;) When one of them barges into
your mind, the other one heads for the back door.
Sounds ridiculously obvious, doesn’t it? But it’s actually one of the keys to your recovery, and a lot of
people still don’t see how important it is.
Recovering From Anxiety Disorder
Recovery.
I’m really starting to like that term now.
Recovery.
People don’t often refer to anxiety treatment as recovery, but I think it’s actually one of the best terms
out there to describe what we are going through.
On a physical level, it’s possibly the most accurate word we can use. Our nervous system literally needs
to recover from all the stress buildup and negative thought patterns over the years. That’s why you
have this anxiety disorder. Your system is physically overloaded and it’s going to need time off to
recover and reset.
But time alone isn’t enough for recovery to take place. You need to also retrain your brain and make
some major life changes to get from where you are now to where you want to be.
To really get what I’m saying, to “catch the vision,” try to forget for a second that we’re even talking
about anxiety. Let’s just talk about happiness. Let’s talk about you being the person you want to be and
living the life you want to live.
What does that look like? Who are you, really? Who is that person you are deep down inside…the one
that life has beaten down into hiding? That is the person you need to become. That is the real you. The
happy you. That is what we need to start focusing on.
Forget About Being Normal Again
Now, notice that I’m not asking you to focus on the old, normal you. The pre-anxiety disorder you. A lot
of people with anxiety think back to how their life was before the panic attacks started happening, and
they just wish that they could be normal like that again. I thought that way too, for many, many years.
But you don’t want that.
You don’t want to be “normal” like that again.
And here’s why…
The old you wasn’t so hot, after all. That old version of “normal” is what got you into this mess in the
first place. Your old thought patterns. Your old behavior patterns. Your old avoidance patterns. Your
old…normal. That way of living – of thinking, feeling, and acting – was normal for you, but it also set you
up for having a kind of nervous breakdown and falling into panic attacks and anxiety.
You don’t want to go back to that kind of normal living, because if you do, then where is that going to
lead you? Right back into an anxiety disorder, and then you are stuck in that prison all over again.
So you don’t just want to go back to being the old, normal you. What you want to do is think back to the
old you and try to identify what it was that led you from there into anxiety in the first place. You want
to identify what it was that caused your anxiety in the first place.
You Need To Avoid Avoidance
For me, and for most people with panic disorder and anxiety attacks, the main behavior that triggered
our disorder was avoidance. This may not be the case for all anxiety sufferers, but for the majority of us,
this was the big one. And if anxiety still has a grip on you, avoidance is probably still the big one.
For me, I was a really insecure kid. I had a loving family and a few good friends at school and in the
neighborhood, but I was still very insecure. We’re talking like ZERO self-esteem and self-confidence. I
was also chubby and very UN-athletic, so my sense of self-image was lousy too.
Sports? Girls? Forgetaboutit.
I desperately wanted people to like me. I lived on praise and attention. And I was a pretty smart kid,
with a kind of sort of decent mostly good sense of humor, so when I actually did open up around people,
I was pretty likeable. I think. But yeah, I was constantly seeking validation from others. And when I
didn’t get that positive feedback, I felt really junk.
And what about conflict? Ouch. Avoiding conflict was my favorite hobby. If there’s conflict, then that
means someone doesn’t like me, right? So no. No conflict. Conflict must be avoided at all costs.
So I avoided conflict at all costs. Avoiding conflicts – and even avoiding potential, imaginary conflicts
that never even happened yet – became a way of life for me. That was my “normal.” And as a result,
the first 39 years of my life were pretty sucky. Add it all up, and you have one really weak kid who is
practically begging for a frustrating, anxiety-filled life.
But that’s all in the behavior department.
You still need to dig deeper and ask, “Okay…but what actually caused my avoidance behavior all these
years? What or who was I always avoiding, and why was I avoiding that?” This leads us into our
thoughts and feelings behind those anxiety-reinforcing behaviors patterns.
Digging Deeper Into Avoidance
So we understand that anxiety attacks occur when our brains flood our system with adrenaline because
of perceived stress in an attempt to get us to avoid stressful situations even more. And we can look
back and see how our avoidance behaviors often actually preceded our anxiety disorder. But what
caused the avoidance behavior patterns way back then? What were we afraid of?
For me, I guess I was afraid of being rejected. Afraid of not being liked. Afraid of being teased for my
chubbiness. Afraid of being picked last when choosing teams at recess. Afraid of conflict.
Later on, as an adult, when I finally did get a girlfriend – and married her, like…after five minutes – when
I did have someone to love and to love me back, I was afraid to lose her. So guess what happened
whenever there was conflict between us?
What’s the magic word?
Avoidance.
I would retreat back into my shell and try to make the conflict go away. How did I make the conflict go
away? Well…not by being assertive and confident and dealing with it directly, that’s for sure. I’d just be
like, “Okay. Nevermind. Sorry. Whatever you want, then.” And I’d retreat until the anger storm blew
away.
I remember the day when my anxiety vanished completely. It was the same day that I stopped being
afraid of divorce and decided to be happy, no matter what. Coincidence? I think not.
My life was almost instantly flooded with feelings of strength and confidence and personal power and
peace. So I started pushing forward into that and started to drop my avoidance behaviors left and right.
Next thing I know, I’m going out and doing all those things that my anxiety kept me from doing all those
years.
So believe me when I say that avoiding avoidance and pushing past your fears is key to living an anxietyfree life. Don’t buy into that mindset that you have to beat anxiety disorder first, and then you can go
do those things again. You don’t have to beat your anxiety disorder first. But you do have to beat your
fears first. These are not the same thing. Push through your fears and into the happiness that you
desire, and the anxiety fades away on its own.
Stop Trying To Beat Anxiety
So what about all these methods and treatments for managing your anxiety and minimizing panic
attacks? Are those things suddenly not helpful or not important? No. They can still help. But you need
to recognize what they can and cannot do for you.
They can help alleviate symptoms. They can help your nervous system to heal. They can help you in the
short-term. And because of that, they can be very valuable. But don’t fall into the trap of filling your life
with those things and avoiding the deeper, internal changes.
All these treatment strategies can become a distraction from the real cure. But they themselves do not
cure anything. They do not provide permanent relief from anxiety and panic attacks.
In order to do that, you have to change your thought patterns, feelings and behavior patterns. A pill
won’t do that for you. An hour a day in the gym won’t do it either. They can help you feel better
temporarily, and that can make it easier for you to do the real work – the avoiding avoidance stuff – but
you can’t beat anxiety with these surface treatments. You need to work on who you are deep down
inside and how you deal with stress and conflict. You need to focus more on living a happy life than on
beating anxiety.
Focus Instead On Building More Happiness Into Your Life
What things in your life cause you unhappiness?
What can you do about those things?
What makes you feel frustrated?
How can you address that directly?
What are you afraid of?
Would you literally die if that happened?
Has it ever happened to someone else?
Did they die from it?
So…what makes you happy, then? Is it doing the opposite of all these other things? Go and do those
things that make you happy, then.
You Deserve To Be Happy
I’ve said this a dozen times on this website, and I’m going to keep saying it until I’m blue in the face:
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! :)
Decide today that you are going to be happy. Choose it. Believe it. Feel it. And go do something that
makes you happy. Then do one more thing that makes you happy? But don’t let yourself become
distracted from the hard stuff. Go and engage those things directly too. Dealing with those issues will
bring some serious happiness pouring into your life.

How To Help Someone With Anxiety By Chris Desatoff

Transcription

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