the courier en

the courier
en
APRIL 2005
APPLETON WEST HIGH SCHOOL
ISSUE V
Parking: The Results are In!
Abby LeCloux
As of April 1, months left, adminis2005, seniors will no trators believed parklonger be allowed to ing on the street
park in the Appleton would be the best
solution.
East
parking
lots. short-term
The Class of ’05
must park in the
streets.
East administrators have decided that this is
the best way to The parking problem is solved!
solve
all
the
referendum
school’s parking prob- T h e
lems.
Since seniors passed last month will
only have a few short pay for 60 new park-
ing spots for next
year, enough to eliminate any further parking problems.
All parking spots
will be reserved for teachers, staff, administrators,
juniors, sophomores, and
really old freshmen. Seniors need to turn in their
parking passes to Student
Services as soon as possible.
Administration
made the decision after reviewing the re-
sults of the parking
survey from the last
issue of The Courier.
Nearly 75% of Appleton East High School
students voted to take
parking
privileges
away from the seniors.
“This solution
seems to make everyone happy,” said Assistant Principal Lori
Leschisin, “except the
senior class.”
How To Get a Prom Date
In This Issue
Kelsey Balcaitis
Parking: The Results
are In!
1
How To Get a Prom
Date
1&3
NHL Fever Inspires
Courier Staff
2
Lazy Boy 3000
3
Lunch Incentive
4
Missing: a Marketing
Teacher’s Watch
4
Trying Uniforms on
for Size
4
Spring Break 2005
5
Next Year: East
Reads & Eats
5
The Journey of
Charles Braver
6&8
List of MLB’s Steroid
Users
9
Combination to EHS
Safe
10
I Don’t ♥ DG!
12
Obviously, if
you are reading this,
you have no date for
prom or you forgot a
book
for
“East
Reads” and are trying to fill the half
hour of silent reading time. We poor
unfortunate
souls
who don’t have our
dates picked out by
March
need
not
worry. This guide
will help both guys
and girls get their
names into circulation and pretty soon
the requests will be
piling up.
The most important thing to do
is advertise. People
will not know you
are available unless
you let them know.
Try bathroom walls,
hallway flyers, even
use the power of the
written word in the
school’s paper, see
Luke and Will’s article on page 2.
There
are
many
places in this school
to let people know
you are in need of a
date;
advertising
should
be
easy.
Make a men-
tal list of possible
candidates.
Using
the yearbook as a
reference tool, rank
your first choice and
continue until you
have about twenty
or thirty options.
Then work your
way down the list
figuring out who is
going, does not have
a date, and would
possibly go with
you. Finally when
you have your list
narrowed to about
ten, start following
the people around
s e Continued on Page 3
PAGE 2
T
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DESTROYER BI-WEEKLY
NHL Fever Inspires Courier Staff
APRIL 2005
The enCourier
Will Ackell and Luke Densow
The time for negotiations have passed;
Lucas
Densow
and
William Ackell are going on strike effective
March 25. This will be
our final article unless
Mr. Otis and the senior
dictatorship give in to
our
reasonable
demands:
1. Allow for the
use of numbered lists
more often.
2. Move Courier
meetings
to
after
school, chat rooms on
AIM, or whatever we
feel like.
3. Bring doughnuts instead of bagels
(or just bring a knife
for the cream cheese).
4. Actually take
our articles seriously.
There’s nothing funny
about being lonely.
5. Add the adjective use of “dragon” to
the dictionary.
6. Do not expect
us to write an article
for every Courier, it is
hard work.
7.
Have
The
Courier
come
out
whenever we feel like
it, instead of once every
three and a half years.
8. Allow for the
use of “junior editors”
instead
of
“senior”
ones. Nobody likes old
people.
9. Rename The
Courier
something
cool, like The Destroyer Bi-Weekly.
10. Allow profanity, because 50 Cent
uses it. We are easily
influenced by the media.
11. Speaking of 50
Cent, we need an official posse. Think of GUnit with a cool name,
like The Destroyer BiWeekly
Qrew.
(Remember that Escalades are needed for
any entourage.)
12. Allow 4 teh
use uv sLAnG. It
makes things so much
more appealing to the
unable-to-spell masses,
or as they are commonly known, masses.
13. Finally, pay
us the equivalent of
NFL player with the
longest last name’s salary. Apparently Chris
Fuatmatu-Ma’afala
makes a lot of money.
All of these but
number 13 are negotiable. However, under
the Otis regime, writing for The (Soon to
be)
Destroyer
BiWeekly sucks. How
can we continue living
while hearing about the
merits of bling when
we cannot afford any?
It’s unacceptable, and a
strike is needed. Either
give in to our demands
or we will just go write
for
some
Swedish
Newspaper.
Will and Luke giving it to Mr. Otis, or “THE MAN.”
Editors:
Abby LeCloux
Dana LeMoine
Rachael Schwab
Brittany
Szczepanik
“The Man”
Contributors:
Will Ackell
Kelsey Balcaitis
Lester Chen
Luke Densow
Brent Denton
Desperado
Napoleon
Dynomite
Caitlin Jahnke
Abby LeCloux
Tad Lietz
Mandy Olson
Tommy
Robertson
David
Saucerman
Morgan Sell
Fitty Sent
Brittany
Szczepanik
Nick
Van Brunt
Fact Checker:
Daniel Rather
APRIL 2005
T
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EN
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O U R I E R
PAGE 3
How To Get a Prom Date
The Lazy Boy 3000
Continued from Page 1
Mandy Olson
cretly. Legally this may
be
considered
“stalking,” but I like to
think
of
it
as
“recruiting.” After you
have a little bit of information,
narrow
your list to about five.
R a n domly
start
a
conversation
w i t h
each of
t h e m
and see
if
they
are
interested.
When
talking
with the object of your
“prom-affection,” mention prom and see what
their plans are. Subtly
hint that you have no
one to go with and how
much you will miss it
if you do not go. If this
does not work, decrease
the subtlety until you
are basically saying, “If
you do not go with me,
my world will be destroyed.”
Continuing on
the above, host a “SelfPity Party” and invite
anyone who will listen
(and who you want to
go with). Tears or anger work the best, but
include comments like
“I’m such a loser,”
“Nobody likes me,”
“My high school life is
over,” “I’m such a failure.” Those should
work every time. If
they don’t, try blackmail.
If you have no
luck with people in our
school,
try
looking
elsewhere. Find the
lucky person at your
work or a friend of a
friend
at
another
school who you have
never met. There are
many people out there;
you just have to look.
If these easy tips do
not help you find a
date, well, then, you
are beyond help. This
guide is guaranteed to
find you a prom date; if
you don’t find one, it’s
your own fault. So, to
all you single people
out there, do not
worry,
it
is
only
March. You have a
good month and a half
before the “big day.”
Good luck and happy
searching. By the way,
the author can be
reached by interested
bachelors
at
1-800DES-PRIT.
The Referendum has finally been
approved. Here are the
new additions, and improvements that are going to be made to our
school this upcoming
year.
Instead of those
hard plastic chairs we
have now, next year the
referendum will add
lazy boys to replace
desks. Not just any
kind of lazy boys. No,
we are each getting The
Lazy Boy Recliner 3000.
These chairs are so advanced in personal
comfort technology
that they feel like floating on a cloud.
Now, you are
probably thinking,
“Don’t we still have to
pay attention in class?”
or “With this comfortable chair I don’t think
I will be able to stay
awake!” They even
have fold down desktops.
In case you are
not in the mood to use
your desk or you fall
asleep, it’s all right.
These unbelievably
amazing gifts automatically summarize everything your teacher is
saying and they also
take notes for you.
With the high tech,
specially made lap-top
and printer system built
into each chair, you
won’t even have to get
up from your wonder
chair. Your behind will
feel like it’s in heaven.
These incredibly
comfortable chairs have
a built in stereo and
speakers built right into
the headrest on either
side of your head. They
also contain a cooler
under the left armrest
of your luxury chair.
You don’t have
to worry about running
out of food or drinks
either. Your teachers
now get paid to refill
the chairs after every
hour.
If you’re feeling
kind of stiff from sitting all day, have no
fear, these magic machines have a massage
button and will relax
you to your fullest potential.
Now, I know
what you’re thinking,
“This is too good to be
true!” Well, I kid you
not. This is the real
deal. I cannot wait until
next year.
PAGE 4
T
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O U R I E R
Administration Creates Lunch
Incentive
Brent Denten
The
A A S D a $5 discount on producing and using a
Administration
be- school lunches tomor- fake coupon, you may
lieves
more
kids row and half-price be subjected to a fine
should eat lunch dur- lunches all next week! of $20 and/or other
extreme.
ing the assigned
One coupon per
lunch periods. Alperson is the maxithough lunch can
mum allowed. Rebe used as a study
hall,
administra- Offer good only on Friday , March 28, 2005 – all above restrictions apply member, this coupon is for Friday,
tors believe that
T o m o r r o w ’ s March 25 only. Next
grades in afternoon
classes improve when coupon is at the bot- week’s all food items
kids are stimulated. tom of this article in are 50% off. This sale
The benefits of a full The EnCourier. Just is only for AEHS
stomach more than cut or rip it out and staff and students;
compensate for any show it to a lunch please do not try to
purchase food for anylady tomorrow.
lost homework time.
Do not try to body outside of the
That is why
Appleton’s
schools reproduce this article. school.
will offer all students If you are caught re-
$5 FREE
Missing: Mr. Marx’s Old Gold Watch
Thaddeus Lietz
There is a $50,000
reward for the return of
Mr. Marx’s gold watch.
Mr. Marx lost his watch
on March 8 in his seventh
hour class. He claims to
have lost his watch in the
hallway near the white
staircase.
This watch is an
early 1920s Italian model
that was passed down
from his grandfather.
The background of the
watch is royal blue, and
the hands are gold and
black. The watch was
given to Mr. Marx on his
fiftieth birthday (last
year) and is one of his
most valuable treasures.
Mr. Marx is in
agony with out it, and he
needs your help. His
watch
tells him
when he
needs to
correct
papers,
watch
basketb a l l
games,
Mr. Marx
can’t find his and go to
watch.
b e d .
Without
his watch, it makes it
harder for him to do all
these things.
Mr. Marx has
promised to give the
$50,000 reward to anyone
who finds it. He will also
give an “A” for the semester to any of his students who finds his
watch. Obviously, he will
go to desperate measures
to find his watch.
Look everywhere
in the school for this
watch because you could
become rich very quickly.
Look in all the classrooms, stairwells, and
hallways.
If you find his
watch, please report
to Mr. Marx.
APRIL 2005
Trying
Uniforms on
for Size
Caitlin Jahnke
Enough
is
enough.
Guys,
it’s time to pull
up your pants,
and girls, cover
your mid-drift.
After
m uc h
consider ation,
the School Board has
voted to adopt a uniform
policy. The Board feels
East students have been
abusing their dress code
privileges to the point
where drastic measures
are needed.
This policy will go
into effect for the 20052006 school year.
Forget having to
worry about always having to buy new school
clothes. The new uniform
policy consists of two basic items. Every student
will wear a collared shirt
and khaki pants. So, that
problem of not knowing
what to wear when you
get up in the morning is
now solved.
School administrators feel the new uniforms
will have a positive impact on the students. The
learning environment will
become less distracting,
and students will better be
able to focus on their
work.
Next September it’s
time to clean out your
closets and make room for
school uniforms.
APRIL 2005
T
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PAGE 5
O U R I E R
What to Expect for Spring Break 2005
Brittany Szczepanik
Will your spring kind,” said IBA Combreak lack excitement missioner Otis.
3. Birdman grew
or meaning? For many
members of the Apple- wings this past week
ton East community, and will fly around the
Spring
Break
2005 world. If all goes well,
promises to be a very he will be inducted in
successful and enter- the Guinness Book of
taining
experience. World Records next
month…shortly af1.
Mr.
ter his debut on
Wanamaker won
Ripley’s Believe it
the
professional
or Not.
Stair-Masters
4. The students
Competition and
who traveled to
will be presented
Spain are stranded
with a tie-died lab
in Siberia. Rescue
coat March 28.
East’s
StairMaster
efforts
are
cur2. East’s IBA
rently
underway
teams are “going
national” and will be and officials hope to reaired on ESPN 3 this turn the students by
weekend. “It is a step January 2006.
5. Thanks to a new
up from the NBA and a
step down for man- medical procedure, Mr.
Reichenberger
will ernized version of Hamgrow two feet
let
starring
over
spring
Screech
as
break!
Mr.
Hamlet
and
Leschke
is
Pamela Anderjealous
and
son as Ophelia.
Mr.
Wana8. An “I D.G.”
maker is getbumper sticker
ting
intimiwas spotted on
dated!
the back of a
6. A fullyscooter in Taigrown, albino
wan last weekwhale
was
end. Yes, D.G.
found yester- Mr. Palma will be
has now gone
looking up to
day at the botglobal.
Mr. Reichenberger
tom of Lake
As you can see,
after this year’s
Winnebago.
this year Spring
Spring Break.
Now
we
Break won’t be
really know what is completely lame and
hiding in the depths of lifeless.
Maybe next
that algae-infested wa- year, after the Spain
ter.
students are rescued,
7. Quentin Taran- East can continue the
tino is shooting a mod- trend.
Next Year: East Reads & Eats
Morgan Sell
Nothing
is better than a
little
midmorning snack and a
great story, right?
The
Appleton
Area School Board has
decided to add an additional 20-minute time
block to the end of second hour. Starting next
year, students will be
administered a nutritious snack and given
the opportunity to enjoy silent reading time,
similar to East Reads.
The details are still being worked out, but
“Snack and Story” (S
‘n’ S) will occur every
day, except Thursday
due to homeroom.
Principal Vogel
is in full support of this
new change in agenda.
“‘S ‘n’ S’ will be a very
beneficial
addition,”
Mr.
Vogel
said.
“Students will be more
energized during the
morning hours.”
Although the decision has
been made, Appleton
East may have to conduct a few trial runs towards the end of the
year.
“We’re
thrilled
that East Reads will be
expanded to every day
next year,” said Mrs.
Bend, App l e t o n
East
Library Media Specialist. “We’re
stressing
story
and
snack
time
because
studies show that stories help teens relax and
lowers aggression levels. We hope that the
lower aggression levels
will mean better behavior in the library.”
Teachers and administrators say if the
“Snack ‘n’ Story” program is successful, they
will look at adding an
East Sleeps program for
2006-2007.
The enCourier
The enCourier is
published once a year
by The Courier in a
vain attempt to be
humorous,
satirical
and
witty
(see
“WKCE” on page 7).
Our
publication’s
goal is to put a big fat
sloppy smile on your
face.
If you were
fooled at all, na-nana-na-boo-boo,
we
got you. But if we
hurt anyone’s feelings, please accept
our
preemptive
apologies. Except for
Will Ackell and Luke
Densow — those two
kids are no good, and
they had it coming.
PAGE 6
T
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O U R I E R
APRIL 2005
The Unbelievable Journey of Charles Braver
Lester Chen, Tommy Robertson, David Saucerman, &Nick Van Brunt
Four years ago,
former Hardee’s franchise
operator
and
world-renowned sandwich enthusiast Charles
Braver, embarked on a
mission
from
god.
Shortly after the
release of rock
super
group
Creed’s
ultrainternational
smash
Human
Clay, it dawned
on Charles that
he must set out
on a cause-less journey.
Eight Months later, after the downfall of the
local Hardee’s empire,
Charles found himself
without even a ball-pit
to call his home. It was
then that he decided
that his journey must
begin.
“Charles was always a good all-around
guy,”
remembers
Chuck Feely, Braver’s
neighbor. “ I ‘member
Charles worked wonders with a pick-axe. I
‘member
dawn
dose mines and
dose
sleepless
howers we be
spent pickin’ at
dem big rocks.
Dey Cawl dose
rocks de BERTHAS.
Dos
boyz swung dem axes
like…” Chuck Feely
continued on to describe the men in the
“mines” and it was
when Mr. Feely began
violently swinging his
pick axe at us that we
realized that not only
was his account of
Charles Braver completely false, but Mr.
Feely wasn’t even Mr.
Braver’s neighbor, as
we were conducting the
interview in the wrong
state.
Anyhow,
our
sources agreed
that Charles
Braver was a
good,
upstanding citizen.
To begin his long
and
arduous
journey, Charles Braver
decided he wanted to
break a record that had
never before been atte mpted.
U tilizing
what little had been left
behind by the almost
overnight
disappearance of Hardees Restaurants,
Braver
strapped 99 red Hardee’s balloons (Braver
was also a big fan of 80s
rock) to the trunk of his
Dale Earnhardt Jr. #8
car replica waterbed.
On
April
6,
2001,
Charles Braver
set out from a
small field behind his house,
to become the
first live man to
travel
around
the world in
9,083
days…a
feat he came nowhere
near to accomplishing.
At
approximately 12:23 in the p.m.
on April 6, only 23 minutes after Braver’s departure, the solo pilot
was attacked by a disgruntled
flock
of
(Continued on page 8)
ATTENTION
HUNGRY
STUDENTS!
Need some chocolate to get
through the day? Come on down
to the music wing for some free
candy!
The Appleton East Music department will give away its surplus of
candy bars today only. Due to an
ordering error, the music wing is
full of unwanted candy.
See Mrs. Keelan in room 109 for
details. First-come, first-serve,
only while supplies last.
Try and Get to the Middle!! The first person to
solve this maze and turn it in to Mr. Vogel will
receive two used movie tickets of their choice!
APRIL 2005
T
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PAGE 7
O U R I E R
Poor WKCE Results in Stiff Penalties
Pratha Muthiah
Much to the
disappointment
of
Appleton Area School
District officials, Appleton
East
High
School’s performance
on the WKCE has
placed it as one of the
worst high schools in
the country. With
scores in the lowest
percentile, Appleton
East has been put to
shame by some of the
weakest high schools
of the nation. Due to
the No Child Left Behind
Act,
drastic
measures
will
be
taken into effect starting in the school year
of 2005-06.
Funding will be
dramatically cut by
the government. We
will no longer have a
football team, a softball team, a soccer
team, a baseball team,
a basketball team, or a
swim team. The chess
team made the cut because it increases the
intelligence of those
who play it. However,
our current chess sets
This month’ s
poll question:
What will you
be doing over
Spring
Break?
will
have
to
be
pawned (no pun intended) to buy cafeteria food. The chess
team members will
have to use Styrofoam
peanuts as pieces. The
art department will
also lose all funding,
and all art students
will be required to
French, and German
cultures. The music
department will be
selling any music or
instruments it owns,
and students' music
classes will consist of
learning how to play
Kleenex-Box-andrubber-band-guitars.
They will have to
bring
their
own
Kleenex boxes, as
any soft facial tissue
will be replaced with
coarse, cheap, toilet
paper.
In addition to
ALL of this, all students older than 10
will be required to
East chess team members
have had a hard time wiping take
WKCE tests
the gleaming smiles off their
once a month until
jovial faces.
they turn 20 years
make at least one old. Teachers will also
masterpiece, so that it be required to take the
can be sold to a mu- tests, in order to test
seum in order to pay their knowledge of
for the Chess Team the Trumpeter swan.
uniforms. The foreign They will also be relanguage department quired to read endless,
will only receive a pointless stories, and
bottle of salsa, fancy explain the meaning
cheese, and bratwurst of several words in
to help teach students the story, such as
about
S p a n i s h , gleaming, witty, and jo-
vial. They will also
need to be able to find
the perimeters of such
figures as square, triangle, and rectangle. As
difficult as it may
seem, teachers will
HAVE to beat the
scores of various Star
Trek fans (aka Trekkies)
around
the
world.
Finally, every
student that is a
sophomore this year,
will be required to tutor at least five other
students a day in taking the tests, as a punishment for their poor
scores. They will also
have to correct the
tests of three other
states
(Michigan,
Minnesota,
and
Puerto Rico) by hand
and without the aid of
any
machines.
As
harsh as this may
seem, it is evident
that the sophomores
deserve this punishment, due to their immense lack of intelligence and their endless ignorance.
Writing. I must work on my writing. Either that or watching TV
between marathon
games of Halo 2.
I don’t really care
for fun. Will the LMC be open?
No? Then I guess I’ll read my
book of knock-knock jokes, which
by the way, is hilarious.
Practicing for my
pose for senior pictures.
How’s
this?
Too
pensive?
Too
smug?
Doves, who were allegedly fed up with their
“good-guy”
image.
When
Braver
attempted to feed the
supposedly
peaceful
dove, the birds went
straight for Braver’s
eyeballs,
making
Charles Braver’s final
moments much less
comfortable than desired. Numerous urine
samples support this
claim. Some found this
tragedy ironic, while
others felt it was just a
bummer.
However,
Mr.
Braver’s
story
doesn’t stop there.
After his untimely death, Braver’s
race car/water bed continued on his initial
flight plan. Soon, after
two hours of being airborne, the deceased
Braver Getting Braver...
Continued from page 6
Braver’s balloons deflated, and he touched
down on the small, island country natives
affectionately refer to
as “Quba.” Once discovered, Braver’s body
was immediately oppressed.
Once
the
Communist nation discovered Braver’s corpse
contained no signs of
intended espionage, he
was
immediately
hailed as an American
symbol of peace and
was dressed in a cool
Hawaiian shirt and
cargo shorts. Oddly
enough, no one seemed
weirded out by the fact
Braver was obviously
dead. Even more oddly
enough, was the fact
Braver
would
randomly sit up and begin
gyrating once he heard
the sound of that crazy
Cuban Calypso beat.
Even
more
oddly
enough were the reports of an identified
man, who allegedly
looked like an aged,
broken, and washed-up
Andrew
McCarthy,
who tried to lift Braver
off of his bed in an attempt to pass him off
as a living man.
Soon
after,
Braver’s body was rewarded
the
Nobel
Peace Prize for his humanitarian work in
Cuba. As a result,
Braver’s
body
was
“ballooned” across the
Atlantic Ocean to Somalia where he was
met by an adoration
ceremony with over
400,000 Somalians in
attendance.
Once
landed, Braver’s #8 car
replica waterbed was
filled with Somalian
gifts of gold, frankincense, and mir. Braver
was shipped across the
entire continent of Africa and along the way
the way natives continued on the Somalian
tradition of gift giving.
So far, Braver’s Race
car/water bed has received gifts of beads,
AIDS, and mad skills.
Braver’s trip through
the Dark Continent
has come to a close
however, as he is slated
to embark on a six
month European tour
next month. Tour tshirts and complete
venue listings can be
found
at
www.
BeMyBraver.com.
Hand this application in to Luke’s or Will’s
mothers or email the answers to
iwanttodateeitherlukeorwill@yahoo.com
Draw a dragon (any kind will do):
Explain how “Cool
Runnings” has
changed your life:
I am _______ hot.
a) not
c) really
b) kinda
d) dragon
Name:
Grade:
PAGE 18
What is your favorite
Interactive RolePlaying Card Game?
I want to date:
A) Will Ackell
B) Luke Densow
C) Frodo
D) Chris FuatmatuMa’afala
Sample dragon
Win a date with a real desperado!
Application to Date Will and Luke
DA ‘N C
O O R I ZZLE
APRIL 1985