HOW TO MAKE NEW YORK GIRLS REALIZE THEY WOULD RATHER

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11/6/10 12:12 PM
HOW TO MAKE NEW YORK GIRLS REALIZE THEY WOULD RATHER
BE WITH ADAM WADE
By Adam Wade
Part 9: Valentine's Day Special: 'Jr. High Love, New Hampshire-Style
Feb 14th 1989. I was in seventh grade at Hillside
Junior High in New Hampshire, and was 'going out' with
my third girlfriend of that school year (fyi: seventh
grade I hit my peak with girls). Her name was
Anne-Marie Decker and she was the prettiest girl in
the seventh grade. She'd been dating Michael
Lewry (who was the most popular boy in our junior high
-consisting of seventh and eighth graders), but she
dumped him when she found out I liked her.
It was incredible, you know, having this power where
pretty girls would dump the popular boys for... me.
The sad thing was I thought this power would continue
to last forever. But no, seventh grade was the only
time something like this happened.
The hours and hours on the phone with Anne-Marie at
night, upset my parents, but deep down they were happy
to see me... in love.
Anne-Marie was just a cool girl who was good at school
work and really good at basketball. Plus, she REALLY
liked me. It was like a dream. I sat with her and a
bunch of her 'girl' friends at lunch. I would eat my
'SmartFood' cheese popcorn very slowly so I wouldn't
make a mess (you know, have all the cheese on my face
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- that's how I usually ate it when I sat with 'the
boys').
Anne-Marie was the first girl I... held hands with.
We did this a lot. She knew I was very shy. But she
would grab onto my hand and give it a little squeeze.
I even remember once while we were holding hands she
said that I could be a movie-star when I got older.
This really made me feel good. "Thanks," I said, "You
could be a... basketballplayer when you get older."
Two and half weeks into our romance we had the
afterschool Valentine's Day dance. Basically what
the school did was have a DJ playing music in the
gym, have a bunch of teachers on duty/walking around,
and... turn the lights out in the gym. I couldn't wait
to dance with Anne-Marie, and maybe even play tag with
some of my buddies.
After an hour or so of awkwardness, Poison's 'Every
Rose Has It's Thorn' played and I held Anne-Marie with
about a foot of space between our bodies. Slowly but
surely, by the time Ce Ce Deville rocked into his
solo... our bodies touched.
"You know who you look like?" I asked Anne-Marie.
"Who?" She wondered.
"Jem... you know, the cartoon rock and roller, you
look just like Jem. You are truly, truly outrageous."
She smiled and went to kiss me on the lips and I
nervously turned my head and she gave me a big wet one
on the cheek.
"Oh, that was nice." I said to her, and patted her on
her back.
"Look at me." She said gently.
I looked at her and she went to kiss me again. This
time our lips met. I got real numbed and dizzy.
"Just like Jem." I said.
A week later Anne-Marie called me and told me that she
found out that we were cousins.
This confused me. "How?" I asked. "I never see you
on Christmas Eve."
Then she told me that our Great Grandmothers were
first cousins and that meant... we were in fact
related.
"Ah, that's all right, Anne-Marie." I said. "I still
like you as a girlfriend."
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That's when Anne-Marie lowered the boom and dumped me.
"Cousins shouldn't go out with each other, Adam." She
said all teary.
Then I started crying a little, and said, "First
cousins shouldn't, but we're like third cousins.
There's no problem with that... I don't think."
By the time I hung up the phone we were no longer
boyfriend and girlfriend, we were now... family.
Anne-Marie made the mistake of telling a few of her
friends 'about the cousin thing' and soon I was
getting made fun of for 'going out with my cousin'.
In junior high this type of thing can be, well,
embarrassing.
It forced Anne-Marie to slightly avoid me as much as
possible. Of course it broke my heart. I missed
talking to her on the phone and I could no longer bear
to watch 'Jem' the cartoon on TV anymore. It brought
back too many bad memories.
The only good thing to come out of it was that I could
now sit with the boys at the lunchroom and be messy
with my 'SmartFood' popcorn. And I knew by the next
junior high dance I would be able to focus my
attention on playing tag with the other boys.
And now as an adult, I don't own any Poison CD's, but
this time of the year, somehow I always end up hearing
'Every Rose Has It's Thorn' on the radio and I
think... "Yes, it does."
ººº
Ladies! Stop racking your brain to see if you ever dated a
third-cousin and drop Adam an email, he needs your
love and a job that pays decent where you don't have
to lift much.
ººº
THE BOOK BY YOUR FEARLESS FOUNDER AND EDITOR:
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