The 432 - UBC Library

66
The theoretical breadth which is gained b y
having many humanities subjects on campu s
is offset by the general dopiness of the peopl e
who take such programs.
99
Richard P Feynma n
Nobel Laureate in Physic s
Dobie, Nixon
Declare for '96
The Year in Revie w
Sarah Thornton
Outgoing Prez
L-R: Slick Willie, Tricky Dickie and unnamed supporte r
Kevin Phillips Bon g
Roving Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D .C . - Th e
political world of Washingto n
was set on its ear Friday as local
boy Bill Dobie, currently serving
his second term as President o f
the Alma Mater Society of UBC ,
announced his intention to pursue the American presidency i n
the 1996 election .
The big story of the day, how ever, was Dobie's choice of running mate - none other than
former U .S . President Richar d
Nixon . Rumours about the possible alliance had been flyin g
around Capitol Hill social circles for quite some time, but th e
official announcement
nonetheless caught Washingto n
completely by surprise .
Dobie and Nixon intend to
pursue the nomination for leadership of the Republican Party,
citing support from the conservative right and Middle Americ a
alike . "We're very confident in
our support base, and we'r e
looking forward to victory in
1996," said a jubilant Dobie at a
GOP news conference Saturday .
"America is ready for the kind
of leadership balance that Mr .
Nixon and I can offer to the
people . Besides, Bob Dole's jus t
too damned boring to b e
President, and if Quayle even
tries to get near the primaries,
well, we've got a surprise or two
for him . . . "
Nixon's return to national
politics is an event that will b e
the centre of discussion for
some time to come . Twent y
years after the Watergate scan dal forced him into resignation,
the former President feels that
his time to return has finally
come.
"I've maintained from the
start that I would return on e
day . . . oh, never mind;
Macarthur said that, didn't he ?
Anyway, we're looking ver y
much forward to taking the '9 6
GOP convention by storm .
Atlanta is a great town, and w e
should come away with a goo d
load of medals . What I'm curious about is when they mad e
that 'Whatzit' the Republican
mascot. I thought it was an elephant. . . "
As for theii potential choice s
for top government posts,
Dobie supported a return to seasoned veterans of previou s
administrations . "I think bringing back Gordon Liddy as
White House Chief of Staff is a
great idea . It wouldn't have
worked in '92, though. . . he
probably would have eate n
Socks . "
Along those lines, Nixon
added that "we'd also like t o
send Spiro Agnew back to
China . Hopefully, this time he'l l
stay there. "
The Dobie - Nixon campaig n
is being bankrolled at present
by an unnamed Tennessee billionaire (pictured above, at
right). Where approached by
reporters with questions concerning the mystery benefactor,
Dobie simply said that he ha d
"left the building" and was
declining comment .
In related news, the Dobie Nixon announcement prompted a flurry of activity on th e
NYSE. Of particular note was
Maryland Security and
Surveillance, Inc., a Baltimorebased company specializing i n
sophisticated listening device s
and surveillance equipment,
which enjoyed a jump in it s
stock from 43 cents to $78 .2 5
per share .
s this is my last article, I
think that I can indulge
'n reminiscing . . . it all
started back in 1972, when my
mum and dad decided one ki d
just wasn't enough . Oh! That' s
not what I meant . It all started
last April 1st, when I took over
as president . That first meeting
was fun! Then we started on
plans for the year . The Guide
went well, and was mailed ou t
to all Science students in June .
In August, we conducted th e
First Year Phone Campaig n
with the Faculty of Science ,
calling around 1100 first years !
By the end of the summer ,
we had already lost one executive to a Dean's Vacation . S o
we needed to find a new PRO .
The first week of classes saw a
Beer Garden and a BBQ . Then
the relatively successful Y D
elections happened, along wit h
the PRO re-elections . Keit h
began his term as PRO-II .
October brought a successfu l
dance with Rumplesteelskin ,
and our council turnover and
wine and cheese . We receive d
tickets to all the Science ,
Technology and Society lectures at the Orpheum, and 40 0
people got to go to the JeanMichel Cousteau lecture! We
established a bursary in th e
memory of Martin Frauendorf.
Then came the Semi Remembrance Day beer garden. We got a new computer
in December, and fixed up
Little Beeper (the baby 'Mac) .
So there's now three computer s
for everyone's use . Th e
Vancouver Recital Society contacted us to see if we could
help with advertising for thei r
recital series .
The 2nd annual Christmas
party was a wonderful success ,
and we had a wonderful tree !
Science Week came and wen t
in a rapid hurry — and it wa s
even more successful than las t
year's (I must admit) . Karaoke
night went well, and the first
ever First Years' dance wen t
not quite as well . But they
learned some valuable lessons.
Oops, forgot . Back i n
January we appointed PRO-III ,
Blair, as Keith was lost ove r
Christmas . Then February also
saw the Exec elections . Wind y
March heralded the AGM,
some fundamental constitutional changes, the Class Act
campaign, and the Penultimate
Class Bash . Of course, I've for gotten the Intramural Triple
Crown that we participated in .
We made a respectable showing in the Arts 20, the Day of
the Longboat, and Storm the
Wall . And next year . . .
"He had ten."
Campus Wars
B
Soon a logger appears an d
pokes Leah with a chainsaw.
ack in CHEM 160, plan s
for the final assault are
underway.
Rebel : The new SUB has
grenade proof windows ,
so our old plan will no t
work. However, we
believe that a single car
can penetrate the steam
system underneath the
SUB . There it wil l
destroy the main junction, cutting off the
Ubyssey from its supply
of hot air . Without th e
expansionary forces of
the hot air, the Ubyssey
offices will underg o
gravitational collapse
into a mass so dense ,
not even sadomasochistic, self-mutilating vegetable sex stories can escape . General
Granto will lead this
attack . I will now turn
things over to Admira l
Squid Head—I mean ,
Ackbar.
Ackbar : The SUB is no t
without its defenses . It
is protected by a politically correctness fiel d
generated from the forest of Clayoquot . We
have a stolen a parking
and security van, whic h
will penetrate the forest
and destroy the genera tor . General Solo an d
his friends have volunteered for this mission.
A few minutes later in th e
CHEM parking lot:
Solo: I mean it . Take th e
Aluminum Pinto . She' s
the fastest car here .
Granto: Thanks . She won't
get a scratch .
Solo : Not a scratch . And
fill her up afterwards.
Hours later, Solo et. al. snea k
past the Ubyssey blockade a t
Clayoquot sound. There Luke
Leah : Hey, cut that out .
DETTLEBACH
senses the presence of Vader,
aboard his limo. Vader, also
sensing something returns to
report to the Editor.
Vader : A small group of
Science students have
entered Clayoquot .
Editor : I know .
Vader : My son is with
them .
Editor : Are you sure?
Vader : I have felt him.
Editor : Strange that I have
not .
Vader : Some things are
best kept within the
family.
Editor : I hope you are clear
on this, Vader . Soon he
will come to you, and
then you must brin g
him to me . Only together can we turn him to
the Arts side .
Back in Clayoquot, our friend s
have run into a few protesters.
Solo : Wait here . Chewi e
and I'll take them out.
Leah : If they report us,
this whole party'll be
for nothing.
Then we'll do it rea l
Solo:
quiet like . . .
Solo then proceeds to step on a
squirrel. The resulting melee
causes the two protesters to
hop on their mountain bike s
and take off. Chewie throws a
rock and hits a protester on th e
head . (which is unprotected
since bike helmets are made of
ozone-destroying polystyrene)
Leah grabs the fallen protester's bike and chases the other .
A few kilometers down the
trail, they are both beate n
senseless by militant hikers.
The logger cringes in fear, bu t
then approaches as Leah offer s
a twinkie. Suddenly, gunfire
rings out. Leah and the logger
dive behind a log for cover. A
protester manages to sneak up
and captures Leah . The logger
swings his chainsaw hittin g
the protester in the knee. The
logger then claims that Leah
knew about it from the start.
The US Olympic committee
threatens to throw Leah fro m
the team, but then backs
down . It is then realized that
Leah was not even on the US
skating team in the first place .
In the confusion, she and th e
logger escape back to the logger's camp . Luke and the others eventually meet up with
Leah and the loggers and a
tentative alliance is made .
That night, Luke reveals hi s
secret to Leah .
Luke : Vader is here, in
this forest . He can tel l
when I'm near, and he' s
my father .
Leah : Oh, no !
Luke : Oh, right . Your m y
sister .
Leah : Uh oh . Luke, if he
can sense you, then run ,
get away from here .
Luke : I can't. There's stil l
science in him .
Luke then turns himself over to
Vader at the generator base.
Luke :
Hello, father .
Vader : You have accepte d
the truth . I see that you
have constructed a new
slide rule . Your skills ar e
now complete . The
Editor will be pleased .
Luke : You can't do this .
Search your feelings.
Vader : Your weight ove r
your volume .
Luke : What ?
Vader : It is your density .
Luke: You see, there i s
still science in you .
Vader : Dobiewan once fel t
as you do, young, firm . I
must obey my master .
With that, Luke and Vade r
drive back to the SUB .
Meanwhile, the Rebels and loggers begin their attack .
is proudly produced on machines
that feature
Ask for them by name at
your friendly local computer dealer!
2
Solo:
There's only four of
them .
Leah : It only takes one to
sound the alarm .
HYS O : Oh, my. I'm afraid
that our logger friend
has gone and don e
something rather rash .
Leah : Oh, no . So much
for our surprise attack .
The sound of a chainsaw is
heard . A 4000 year old tree
then falls, crushing the protesters beneath . As Drum and his
group rush into the building,
Granto's force arrives at the
SUB, only to find the shiel d
still up . They engage the campus security forces in a fierc e
battle . At the same time, Luke
is brought before the Editor .
Editor : From here, you will
witness the end of your
pitiful science rebellion .
Your friends i n
Clayoquot are doomed.
An entire legion of m y
best protesters await .
You, like your father are
now mine .
Luke, unable to control hi s
rage, leaps at the editor. Vader
blocks his strike and the figh t
is on. Meanwhile, back at th e
ranch, uh forest:
Solo : Hand me anothe r
charge. . . Uh, say, where
did all these protesters
come from?
Protester :
You Rebel
scum . . . What is that
noise? Sounds like a
chainsaw .
Soon, the entire area is overrun
with loggers wielding chainsaws . While the loggers mak e
sushi out of the protesters, Solo
and Leah try to get back into
the generator base. Just then, a
logger, cutting down a tree t o
crush some protesters, hits a
tree spike. The chainsa w
explodes and a splinter of
metal hits Leah in the shoulder. Solo checks, and to his
relief finds that she is all right.
Solo :
I love you .
Leah : Really? Cause I was
thinking, we really onl y
need a small ceremony,
just a few friends and . . .
Leah rushes over and pushes
Solo out of the way of a falling
tree that he had put himself
under, denying him a quick
and painless death. Soon the
team manages to destroy the
generator. With the shield
down, Granto maneuvers th e
Pinto into the steam tunnels a s
Luke and Vader continue the
fight.
Editor: Good, good . Your
anger has made yo u
powerful . Now release
your hatred and you r
journey towards the
Arts side will be complete .
Luke :
(lowing his slide rule)
I will not fight you ,
father . Hey, behind you ,
it's Elvis !
Vader, falling for this age ol d
ploy, turns to look as Luke
ducks into the shadows .
Vader : Luke, give yoursel f
to the Arts side . It is th e
only way you can sav e
your friends . Yes, your
feelings are strong from
especially for . . . .
Luke : {Don't think sister .
Don't think sister .)
Vader : . . .your sister . Yo u
have a twin sister.
Luke: Doh !
Vader : Dobiewan was righ t
to hide her from me .
Now his failure is complete. If you will not
turn, perhaps she will .
Luke : N00000000!!!!!
Seized by an insane fury, Luke
batters down Vader's defense s
until his final strike severs
Vader's hand .
Luke : Just be glad I'm not
named Lorena.
Editor: Now, kill him and
take your father's place
at my side .
Luke : No, you've failed.
I'm an Alumni . Like m y
father before me .
Editor: So be it, Alumni . I f
you will not turn, you
will be destroyed .
Reaching behind his back, th e
Editor pulls out a taser and
fires it at Luke, pumping
50,000 volts into the young
Alumni . Vader, remembering
that V = I * R, realizes th e
danger Luke is in . Pulling the
wires from Luke, Vader then
picks up the Editor and tosses
him down the conveniently
placed open elevator shaft.
Down in the steam tunnels .
Granto reaches his goal. He
rams the steam junction,
wrecking it and the Pinto. He
is forced to flee on foot as the
Ubyssey offices begin to undergo gravitational collapse . Up
above, Luke struggles with
Vader, trying to get him into a
campus security van . Vader:
Luke, help me get this mask
off.
Luke: But, you'll die .
Vader: Nothing can sto p
that now. For once, I
want to look at yo u
with my own eyes .
Luke reaches down and
removes the mask revealing old
Mr. Cranston, the amusement
park owner.
Vader : I would've gotte n
away with it too, if it
hadn't been for those
kids and that dam n
wookie.
Well, that pretty well wraps i t
up . Luke and Leah seek counseling and spend several years
in therapy. Drum and Leah get
hitched . Granto spends the
next five years paying off th e
Pinto. With the help of the loggers, Clayoquot sound gets
changed into overflow parking
for UBC. Dobiewan takes ove r
the leadership of the Tories
and manages to double th e
amount of seats the party has
in parliament. And the surviving members of the Ubyssey go
on to work for the Province
and other fine tabloids.
And as for me, well I only
matched 3 out of 6 of th e
Editor's numbers, so it looks
like I'll be working for a living.
Anyway, this is it folks . The
last of my stories. Several people have promised to kill me if
I do Campus Trek, and anyhow, I should be graduating
this spring. So, take care an d
may the Force be with you, but
beware the Arts side.
The End
(ed. whew!)
I
Volume 7, Number 1 2
28 March 199 4
MANAGER WANTE D
Ryan McCuaig
One foot in the grave .
Do you have years o f
experience in th e
retail sales industry?
Graeme Kennedy
Blair McDonald
Roger Watts
Holding the shovels .
YES
Contributors
Leona Adams
Steve Colema n
Kevan Dettlebac h
John Hallett
Derek K . Mille r
Jamie Morris
Sarah Thornto n
Lynn van Rhij n
Chris Wood s
Laurie Ye e
Delwin Yung
NO
Are you alive ?
YES
NO
Apply to SUS .
Art
Roger Watt s
Layout
Graeme Kenned y
Ryan McCuai g
Blair McDonal d
Distributio n
Keebler's Elves Local 3 4
Printin g
College Printers,
Vancouver, BC
The 432 is published by
the Society for th e
Drinking of Coagulated
Ales . Opinion s
expressed within are
those of the authors,
not of the SUS, th e
oppressive AMS, or th e
University guys who
always wear suits .
Since this is the, las t
Issue, we're not goin g
to bother asking fo r
anymore articles. A po x
on anyone who alway s
meant to submit something, but never go t
around to it. You'll just
have to wait for the first
issue in September .
Here's a sincere thank you to everyone out
there, no matter which
faculty you're In, for all
the support you've
shown by reading this
paper . If no one both ered to read The 432,
we wouldn't have th e
chance to exercise ou r
new mind control tech niques . Thanks .
Just a quick note abou t
that stereogram we
printed last week . Ther e
was absolutely nothin g
in it . No pandas, broke n
glasses, or Elvis . Anyon e
who actually though t
they saw something
should get their eyes
checked . Naha .
Dik Miller, Rock Co d
h yes, another fine
school year draws to a
close, and with it the
season for parking attendants. (No, no, not the
hunting season, the employment season .) With fewer
people parking and the construction of new residence s
on old parking lots, I knew
that my days in the job ,
since I was low on th e
seniority list, were numbered .
Unfortunately, I have hel d
virtually every other non academic job at th e
University over the past fiv e
or six years, as well as a few
which didn't exist before I
took them, so the range of
options was pretty narrow.
The chances that I coul d
scam my way to convincin g
an appointment committee
that I was a fully qualified
professor were damn slim .
I was walking along disconsolately pondering my
fate, heading toward SU B
from the Bookstore, where I
had just purchased a
replacement for my Dik
MillerTM pen/javelin/minivacuum . (The replacement ,
however, was merely a pen .)
I was looking down at m y
feet and shuffling like a man
unsure of where his next
paycheque would com e
from — which was precisel y
true .
On my Walkman wa s
Wagner's Lohengrin, as inter preted by the Royal Scottish
Highlands Bagpipe
Ensemble . I always found i t
inspiring, if a bit odd . I wa s
swaying slightly to th e
music as I walked, and soon
I found myself swaying righ t
into someone's left shoulder, throwing my head -
phones off.
"Hey!" shouted the sway ee .
"Sorry," I mumbled, looking up .
I realized that I had just
stumbled into the bass guitarist of a band playing out doors on the SUB Plaza,
interrupting them in midsong . I really should watc h
where I'm going .
"You really should watc h
where you're going, bucko, "
said the bassist from underneath his long mane of
dark, over-permed hair.
"I said I was sorry . "
"Sorry's not quite good
enough, man. You banged
into me just as I was reaching the climax of my bass
solo in 'Lick My Love
Pump'. "
"What a tragedy," I deadpanned .
"Why you little . . ." he
began, lunging at me .
I backed off quickly, not
wanting to let the situatio n
get out of hand . He came
after me. I trotted . H e
moved faster . I broke into a
reverse run, then dodged to
the side .
The bassist ran right past
me and pitched himself over
the edge of the guardrail ,
plummeting down into th e
courtyard of the Pendulum
restaurant.
"Aaaagh!" he shouted .
"My arm! I've broken my
bloody arm! "
I thought quickly. Ho w
could I rescue the situation ?
Running over to the rest
of the band, who were stil l
standing somewhat
stunned, I grabbed th e
man's bass guitar and
strapped it on .
"'Lick My Love Pump, '
from where you left off!" I
shouted . "One, two, three ,
four. . . "
The twelve years of classical cello training in m y
youth, combined with over exposure to heavy metal
music in my reactionar y
teens, along with the dexterity I had gained from handling cash in the parkin g
attendant booths, all cam e
in handy as I swept into a
wicked bass solo.
I did Van Halen double handed string tapping, wil d
neck bends, wacko strin g
scrapes, rumbling post-Ye s
art-rock noodlings, an d
threw in an excerpt o f
Lohengrin I had just been listening to, but transposed
down an octave to fit on th e
bass . For good measure, I
finished off with two bars of
"Wild Thing" by the Troggs .
I got a standing ovation .
Afterward, when the gea r
was being packed up an d
the original bassist packe d
off to hospital, the lead guitarist approached me .
"Hey, man," he said .
"Hey. . .er . . .man," I replied .
"I guess we'll be needing a
new bass player since you
sent our old guy on that
harsh fall . "
"Well, yeah, I guess you
will, but are you sure yo u
want me? I mean, I'm the
y who did him in . "
"Just between you an d
me," he whispered, "he wa s
a pretty big weenie anyway . "
I smiled . "Actually, I've
been looking for a job . "
"Cool . One thing,
though . "
"Yeah . "
"You gotta have cool
hair. "
I pulled off my fedora hat
to reveal a completely neutral, medium-short generic
conservative haircut . "How
about this? "
"No way, Jose . "
I frowned . "You're not
going to make me get a
mohawk or something, are
you? "
"Now there's a cool idea, "
he smirked. "What's you r
name anyway? "
"Dik Miller, Parking
Atten— I mean, Dik Miller ,
Rock God . "
"Well, Mr . Rock God, it's
time to go get you your
honourary first purple
mohawk." He turned to hi s
bandmates . "Hey guys! Meet
the latest member of The
Grateful Circumcised. "
"That's the name of th e
band?!" I asked. "Th e
Grateful Circumcised? "
"You are circumcised ,
aren't you?" he asked.
"Um . . . "
"Well, we may be looking
at more than a mohawk. "
This was going to be a
long summer, but it wa s
another case closed for Di k
Miller, Rock God .
(ed . What? "God?" . Oops .
Sony. Ignore the headline,
please) .
Ronald-Ann 's Last Dance .
efore I get into the
actual meat of my article, I would just like to
make a few comments wit h
respect to a certain photograph and accompanyin g
poem which appeared in the
last issue of The 432. I
would like to set the record
straight in a number of
areas :
a) I don't yell . I neve r
yell . I imagine this character trait makes it that muc h
more difficult to determin e
whether or not I am frustrated with displays of ,
irresponsibility . There are
other ways to tell, but if I
told you, that wouldn't be
any fun now, would it ?
b) I am not, nor have I i n
recent history been, photogenic. Up until the age of 5 ,
I was cute, when began th e
.unpleasant transformatio n
into what I am now. Scary,
huh? Anyhow, I have a limited history of cooperatio n
with photographers. If yo u
attempt to take my picture ,
the odds are not in favor o f
my either smiling or
pouting. In fact, it is most
likely that I will try to eithe r
shield my face with any
available objects or rotat e
my head in such a way that
my face is not visible . I
have actually managed to
work my way out of picture s
by letting friends in on the
secret that I'm taking part i n
the Witness Relocation pro gram to allow me to hide
from the Mafia .
B
c) I didn't say, "You al l
suck!" I said, "You guys
suck!" I don't think I woul d
be permitted enough space
to explain the subtle differences between these two
statements, but just believe
me when I say that the differences are statisticall y
significant.
That taken care of, we
now return to your regula r
programming .
So this is it. As of May
1994, barring any unforeseen events, I will be settin g
foot on that as-of-yet undiscovered country, the Rea l
World. Naturally, I'm about
as thrilled about it as the
rest of anyone else .
Unfortunately, the fact tha t
I will have to leave my .
warm, nurturing and gener- ,
ally womb-like present environment is not the onl y
painful part of this whole
ordeal . Indeed, one of th e
worst parts of it all will be
my departure from these
hallowed pages (sniff, sniff) .
Retiring is an awfully odd
thing . No matter how -old
you are, there comes a tim e
in your association with an
organization when you sa y
things along the lines of: " I
remember in the old days ,
when Aaron and Antoni a
used to write . ." (You can, o f
course, insert the names o f
retirees with whom you ar e
familiar) . Unfortunately,
the use of the names of previous retirees tends to get
the present retiree into trou-
ble . This situation has yet
to be studied with any success, but it is thought to be
related to the phases of
retirement :
Acceptance : Characterize d
by statements such as "I' m
sure you won't have an y
trouble finding people to fil l
my space" and "There seem s
to be a good crop of writers
for next year", this is th e
first phase of retirement .
The retiree can cope with
the fact that he/she is not
indispensable. However,
this initial stage may be followed by depression due to
the sudden withdrawal o f
the motivational presence of
the Editor ("Please, sir, no t
the whip!) . The first symptom of this transition period
is the use of statements such
as "You will miss me, won' t
you? "
Bargaining : Characterize d
by statements such as "Well ,
if you're really stuck, I gues s
I can help you out by writ ing an article for the next
issue ." This stage is generally
short-lived .
Anger : Although som e
have been observed to pas s
directly from stage 1 to 3 ,
most spend at least a shor t
period at stage 2 befor e
being presented with the
concept that they are not
indispensable . Generally, i t
has been the observation of
this investigator that it i s
one thing to know something within oneself, but it
is something entirely different to have someone else
point it out to you. Thi s
stage is usually characterized
by statements similar to " I
can't believe they're tryin g
to run that *@$%! paper
without .me! "
Denial : The last stage of
this degenerative condition
is characterized by an obsessive insistence upon reading
every issue of the paper and
by statements similar t o
"The articles never used t o
be so stupid when I used t o
write ." The retiree has now
lost touch with reality an d
believes that he/she is indispensable .
This will never happen to
me, because I never considered myself to be indispens able in the first place .
As I look back on my fou r
years here, I am trying t o
remember what exactly I
have learned . Certainly precious little related to
Science, a fact to whic h
those professors blessed with
the privilege of reading m y
graduating thesis can attest .
For example, the only techniques I have managed to
perfect by passin g
Biochemistry 301 are the
arts of Data Massage and
Creative Compilation . Ove r
the past month, I have been
taking a crash course
(emphasis on the wor d
crash) in stress managemen t
as I fought the odds to pro duce a mildly coherent thesis and presentation .
Contrary to popular opinion, my peer counselin g
skills have not come fro m
my involvement with
Speakeasy (not to insult a
fine organization, just stating a fact) . I think counseling skills are best honed at
three in the morning, fourteen hours before an essay i s
due, over a bottle of Coke
Classic and a box of Oreos . '
As president of BPP, I hav e
learned how I best deal with
conflicts: I delegate . Finally,
writing for The 432, I have
acquired subtle means o f
venting my personal frustrations . It's always a plu s
when the people I am venting at recognize themselves
as the source of my frustration, but you can't wi n
them all, I imagine (One last
The 432 plug, however lacking in subtlety: although
most of the same writers will
be around next year, w e
(they?) are still looking for
fresh blood, to the best o f
my knowledge. Although a
plan of affirmative actio n
has not been proposed yet ,
it would be nice if my shoe s
could be filled by someone
who is . . . well, phalliclychallenged . As it is, you can
just smell the testosterone
on production nights) .
Bzzr, aliens, and other stuff.
John Hallett
A really nice guy.
eer Gardens, the hear t
of the social community of UBC . Truly these
social masterpieces must be
appreciated by all those wh o
attend them . No where else
have I seen the intellectual
cunning or sheer grace associated with a mock 10 .0
point Olympic dive off a
chair into a 2mm pool of
congealed beer . These event s
are always the very cream o f
the upper class etiquett e
structure .
I write of these amazin g
happenings in hopes to
regain some vague memory
of a recent event I attended .
I must point out tha t
although many witnesses
have gestured in my general
direction whilst screamin g
"HE DID IT!! HE DID IT! !
OH, THE HUMANITY!! "
from behind a rather brigh t
light in the police statio n
when questioned about certain events, I stick to my
story until this day. Here
goes . . . <insert dream
B
4
sequence sound track vaguely
reminiscent of Wayne's World
here>
It was a rainy day one
month soon ago . I ha d
been recently elected Socia l
Co-Ordinator of SUS an d
decided to organize an even t
to end all events . The mother of all BEER GARDENS .
Good beer at cheap prices .
However, popular theor y
asserts that I just might have
gone overboard on the 'buying da booze' aspect of this
event . Anyway, after hour s
of negotiation with th e
German embassy for the
acquisition of absolutely
insane quantities of fine
Barvarian Ale, I managed t o
arrange the delivery of a
quantity of beer that coul d
only be described as . . . well ,
let's just say it arrived at
Vancouver Harbor aboard a
Panamanian freighter las t
Friday. The headach e
potential for this event wa s
astronomical .
Before I. realized it, the
momentous day was a t
hand . The pipeline from the
harbor had been set up and
we had managed to receive a
large donation of Pepto
Bismal, also on tap. Stream s
of people started enterin g
the monumentous Hall of
Intoxication and sprinted t o
the beer taps right past the
display booths containing:
(among other things) a display from the Tomb of King
Tut, Final Definite Proof o f
the Existence of God, and a
simple, easy to understan d
definition of The Meaning
of Life .
In the next twenty minutes I, from my perspectiv e
point ten feet above the
floor, witnessed huge drooling throngs clamor around
the beer taps coherently, less
coherently, even less coherently and finally, huge
drooling throngs lying i n
various pools around the
taps which, to my delight ,
still contained vast quantities of fermented barle y
products .
Needless to say, th e
remainder of the evening
was spent wondering how
which would prevent me
come the walls were meltin g
from remembering the preand why those walls seeme d
to be causing the roof to
ceding events .
spin like a huge, twisted top .
Although my theory has
virtually no supportive eviNext morning, I awoke i n
dence in its favor, I thin k
. Edmonton . I'm not sayin g
that it's the way to go . In
that there's anything particthe interest of honest jourularly evil about waking up
nalism, I will reveal unt o
in northern Alberta .
your waiting eyes a differen t
Thousands of people do i t
theory that was proposed t o
daily . What made this parme by the friendly polic e
ticular morning so stressful
officers who scraped me off
was the fact that I had falle n
the pavement that fatefu l
asleep (ie passed out) someSaturday morning .
where at UBC .
They claim that, in my
Now comes the puzzle. In
drunken state, I though t
the five hours that I'm missthat it would be a neat ide a
ing, I successfully manage d
if I were to go to Edmonton
to traverse B .C . and most o f
and ride the wave machin e
Alberta, a feat that is incredibly difficult to reproduc e
in the mall . Evidence fo r
this comes in the form of a
when SOBER . My personal
Maverick Coach lines receip t
theory says that whilst I wa s
for one-way passage from
blissfully slumbering, I wa s
Vancouver to Edmonton on
abducted by aliens wh o
wanted to sample my brain
the 2 :00 am day starter i n
tissue in order to perfect the
my pocket . I think that thi s
d
receipt was obviously plantlife support system aboar
ed by the aliens in my pocktheir vessel which they tested on Elvis' brain. They then et as a means to explainin g
my mysterious appearanc e
deposited me in Edmonton
in Alberta .
in order to deliver a suitably
strong shock to my system
It's up to you to decide .
Don't get your knickers in a twist
simply refuse to believe
that some things can be
as difficult as they seem .
My personal rule of thumb
when dealing with others i s
"Assume that when you
meet somebody, this perso n
is much, much smarter than
you ." The result is that i f
they are, you haven't insulted them, and if they aren't ,
they will have to earn your
disrespect . Makes for a good
overall approach to the res t
of the world, too.
However, once in a while I
find something much more
easily done than my con .temporaries . This compels
me to believe that some people are better than others a t
some challenges.
Sometimes, I think my original assumption of absolute
personal submoronity is correct. Especially when th e
challenge is something like
underwear.
I seem to have had some
problems with the supposedly simple task of buying,
unpacking and donning
underwear.
Now, everybody runs lo w
from time to time . I ran low
today, and picked up som e
sort of tube at The Bay while
I
a
3
e0
KENNEDY
walking through on my way
to collect my drycleaning.
The packaging wa s
unique : a half dozen Jockey s
crammed into a plastic tub e
like so much Pop-N-Fresh
Dough . I got home, twiste d
off the cap an found mysel f
picking up the scattered garments which had apparently
been placed in the tube
under dangerous pressur e
without warning. I only
counted five .
Assuming I had been
ripped off by Jockey, m y
first thought was "How do I
complain about a missin g
Jockey?" Who do you complain to? I decided the wacl
of cloth was not worth m y
pride, when I noticed something hanging from th e
overhead lamp . You can figure out the rest.
Anyway, here's where I
introduce the purpose for
this article . Each of my
Jockeys had a most inconve -
niently located sticker, right
in the crotch . The sticke r
explains that each Jockey
has been idividually
"inspected" and, apparently ,
has passed the rigorou s
stress an safety testing that
underpants require.
Personally, I'm not sur e
what could go wrong in th e
world of underwear . What
could possibly go so wrong
with a pair of undies tha t
personal individual inspection is required? The most
painful experience I have
had with a pair of under wear was putting them o n
without removing the sticker.
However, somebody i n
the idustry is concerned.
What I don't understand i s
this: if the indusrty is tryin g
to enforce standards in
men's underwear, why ar e
they ignoring that design
and manufacturing free-for all known as brassier e
clasps? I have better luc k
solving a Rubik's cube. What
we need is some standar d
way to release these things .
We need a 'bra clapper' .
Now, this increase in convenience and timesavin g
will come at a price . Imagine
Exams from hell.
McDONALD
think the pressure of
exams is finally getting
to me. You see, the function relating how much use less trivia you can cram int o
your brain over a given period of time also has a corol lary, something to do with
the amount of sunshine .
The more sunshine there is,
the less I'm inclined to shut
myself in the brick hole I
call home and pull out a big
thick book .
So, the stress factor lately
has not been at all good ,
since the wonderful weathe r
outside totally precludes m e
spending any time hitting
the books. Or studying . As a
result, I've had to cram al l
my studying time into a fe w
short hours between fou r
and five AM . This mean s
I've learned nothing.
Nothing at all, except that I
have absolutely no interes t
in any subject under the su n
until anything until the
evening before .
So it's no surprise that P've
been a bit grouchy over th e
last few weeks . And it can
only get worse so go away!
So worse, in fact, that I' m
now dreaming about exams ,
instead of about anythin g
remotely enjoyable . Last
night's dream quiz went like
this:
Question One : "Give n
that the structure in B i s
one of the items listed i n
Group C, examine the
interior and extrapolate to
what the structure mentioned will become in a
mature fruit ."
What? I didn't understand
that one either, so I went on
to the next question .
Question Two : "If a trai n
leaves Philadelphia head .
ing west at 60 kph, and
another train leaves Paris
heading north at 75 kph ;.
when will an innocen t
bystander be pushed i n
front of the subway in
New York?
Easy . Every five minutes,
or less during rush hour or
on Fridays .
Question Three: "Write a
300 word essay definin g
the essence of advancement of Renaissance art "
Stop! Even if this is a
dream ., there better not be
any Arts-type question s
here.
Question Four : "What is
your name . . . "
At last . A question even I
can answer in my sleep .
But enough about exams ,
since all of you are already
either:
(a) In Main Library 2 3
hours a day, eagerly learning everything in the text books on the recommended list.
(b)In Sedgewick Library,
catching up on much needed sleep
(c)In Woodward Library,
pretending to study just
so you can be with tha t
really gorgeous girl from
your Biology class.
(d) Or none of the above
libraries . You're probably
getting ready to go ou t
and have a good tim e
doing whatever it is tha t
you enjoy doing.
If you answer (d), there' s
only one thing I can possibly say to make me feel bet ter. I hope you die. There.
Much better . Now maybe I
can actually sit down an d
learn a bit o' Biochemistry.
But maybe not right now .
After all, the exam isn't tommorrow, and I've still got
plenty of time . Right ?
See ya in September .
Maybe.
an evening at the opera . I
clap and send my bust y
date's dainties into th e
orchestra pit. It's possible
that this could be embarassing, if for no other reason
than I always clap at th e
wrong time .
As a matter of fact, timin g
is one of my worst attributes. Mine is terrible . For
example: I'm having lunc h
on a BCFerry, heading hom e
from a swim meet i n
Victoria . Perfect time, I figured, to try to impress thi s
new (gorgeous) teammate . I
sat down directly acros s
from her, nodded, picked up
my burger, took a bite and
propmtly covered her plate
with a mouthful of
'prechewed' Ferryburger .
Beaver Foods had thought fully chosen to garnish this
particular burger with aluminum foil, and me with
my fillings and all . I seem to
have put about five volts u p
and down my entire nervous system. Despite this
simple explanation, sh e
didn't seem to understand .
Nobody inspected thi s
burger. As you can see, the
potential danger inherent in
a flawed burger is astonish-
...
ing when compared to a
that of a screwed up bikin i
brief. But I don't see peopl e
peeling stickers off thei r
McNuggets as they shove l
them down . Maybe acceptance of the risk is implie d
by walking in the Mcdoor .
Frankly, I'd rather have a little too much starch squashing the happy sacks then a
case of botulism . You can
speak for yourselves .
On the other hand, I hav e
to wonder if the world of
underwear isn't somehow
alien . Some kind of vestige
of another universe : an
alternative 'underverse '
where the disappearance o f
socks, bras and briefs is normal .
I, personally, have neve r
thrown out a pair of under wear. This would just kil l
my mother who can onl y
assume that I'm wearing fifteen year-old boxers, which
couldn't possibly ever get
clean now . Well, I've go t
news for her: if I'm standin g
in the middle of the street,
and I see a bus or car zeroing
down on me, my underwea r
Graeme's Knickers
continued on page 8
Informal Lunc h
Meetin g
fo r
Women In
SCIENCE
Thursday, March 31, 1994
12 :30 p m
(bring your lunch, juice provided )
ANGUS ROOM 3 1
Dr. Carol Pollock
Biology Program
"The. Balance "
Dr. Carol Pollock is a Senior Instructor in th e
Biology Program . She is in charge of the first-yea r
laboratory program . She has a Ph .D., a morethan-full-time job, three young and very active
children, a husband, a house, lots of friends an d
interests.. . and she can leap tall buildings in a singl e
bound . How does she do it? Come and find out .
Carol will give an introduction and lead a facilitate d
discussion which will be an opportunity to shar e
practical hints and suggestions about "The Balance"
or " How it is possible to have a career in science
and a life too...or is it? "
5
Les SousV~tements de la SU S
Sarah's Very Last Skivvies
Sarah Thornton
s this is my very las t
article under thi s
heading, I guess I ca n
finally comment on the byline they've given to me .
Why, oh why, did they call
it skivvies? Do they not like
me? Skivvies is such a n
unpleasant word !
For a synopsis of this year ,
see my other article .
I missed the exec meetin g
last Tuesday—something to
do with a group project fo r
which we had not yet eve n
got our model to work once ,
much less run a number o f
simulations .
But they say it went better
than usual due to the photo copied agendas—tree killers !
They talked about the possibility of a SUS newsgroup on
USENET (great for everyone
with a Netinfo account) an d
about the problems som e
students have with Faculty
Advisors.
We need a new sales manager for next year, so if any one is interested in gettin g
great experience with sup pliers and clothing sales, or
who has grandiose plans o f
selling more than jus t
Science gear, come on in .
We made some rather significant changes to our constitution this year .
Beginning with next year,
the council rep position s
will be decreased . There will
still be two first year reps,
but the reps for the other
years will be combined int o
4 General Officer positions ,
which any interested student in Science is eligible to
fill . The Department rep s
will be given more to do —
we'd like to get the m
involved with their departments as well as with us! So ,
if you haven't yet go t
involved, think about it for
next year . The exec promises
a leaner, meaner, more
cohesive group, which stil l
presents even more opportunities to get involved .
The future of SUS i s
bright . There's a great exe c
taking over, all of whom
have at least some SUS experience and lots of ideas . Thi s
year has seen the evolution
of an extremely active first
year council, and I'm sur e
their enthusiasm will carry
over in to the other years.
Science Week keeps gettin g
bigger, our contact with th e
Administration and with the
real world keeps gettin g
stronger, and more an d
more people are realizin g
how wonderful being a student can be .
I'm glad to have been a
part of it all in this and pre -
A
6
vious years . I have no ide a
how my UBC-experience
would have turned out with out the wonders of SUS .
Sure, there've been dow n
times, but they've bee n
more than compensated b y
the euphoric ones, and by
the people I've met here
who've done so much to
pull me out of those time s
of despair . So, this year is
over, as is this period in m y
life . But I will never forget
SUS.
And I'm leaving the job o f
President in very capable
hands . Ryan will do a wonderful job—he's bee n
around for ages, knows the
ropes, and, like many of us ,
has a true feeling for th e
place . He's been left an
important legacy, however,
so I charge each of you t o
make sure he does what's right for you. (So make sur e
you come in and whop hi m
one upside the head if he
seems to forget what a student-student needs, not aninvolved-keener-SUS-hackand-sometimes-class-attending-student . I won't be
around as much to keep him
in line! )
It's time to go . I think I've
over-extended my welcome
in my editor's eyes—thi s
article is verging on thesi s
length . Best of luck to all o f
you—those coming back to
this hell life again next year ,
and those of you, like me ,
tossed out into the real
world.
Later,
AMS Briefs
Steve (Call me Ed) Colema n
Senate Shorts
Chris Woods
cience takes over th e
AMS for the summer,
with Science students
occupying two of the exe c
positions, with former SU S
secretary Morie Chen now
Assistant to the Prez Bo b
D'ohbie (we all know wh o
really does all the work), wit h
The 432 Editor Ryan
McCuaig as Inside UBC editor, with SUS hack Blai r
McDonald as First Yea r
'Orientation Guy, and othe r
Science students scattered
around the SUB . I don' t
have a job for the summe r
yet, but then again I haven' t
written my thesis yet either .
For this term, things seem
to be winding down as al l
the student politician hacks
begin to realize that they
take classes too, so if the y
want to return to do it al l
next year, passing might b e
useful . There'll be next
year's interim budget up a t
the next AMS meeting, o n
schedule for the first time i n
at least two years. Maybe
some new controversy wil l
pop up, like the possibility
of a food bank for student s
run by the AMS, maybe not .
And then, everyone a t
the meeting will probabl y
scurry down to the Pi t
through the back entrance
for one last time this schoo l
year . As for this column,
next year someone else wil l
write it, someone else will si t
in my chair, and the whol e
cycle will repeat itself.
Smoke 'em if ya got 'em .
As for actual business to
be done over the summer ,
who knows what'll get don e
and what won't? Just
remember that all student s
are the boss, and it's you r
responsibility to go up t o
the northwest corner of SU B
and complain simply for th e
sake of complaining . I am
outta here. . .
y last Senate meeting—at least until I get appointe d
to my lifetime, fully taxpayer-supported (with a
huge expense account) post in the Canadia n
Senate—was a great way to finish off the year .
The chair thanked the student senators, and announce d
that the first monies from the Endowment Fund created
from the Hampton Place funds—to the tune of $900,000 —
will be available for research grants in the Social Sciences an d
Humanities in three years .
There are 184 courses numbered 500 and up that haven' t
been offered in three years, so there is now a new strateg y
that would force faculties to delete or justify the listing o f
these courses in the calendar . Relief for those disgruntle d
students who find interesting courses and then look then u p
to find 'Not Offered' .
There was lots of discussion on the Vice President's 'Repor t
on action taken in cases of teaching evaluated as less tha n
satisfactory in 1992-93' . In a nutshell, 1/3 have left, as eithe r
non-rehired sessionals or pre-tenure track professors an d
early termination . 1/3 are taking teaching training or counseling with respect to teaching methods . The final third had
received higher evaluations in other sections or courses, and
adjustments to their teaching schedule were made .
There was a little discussion on the proposal to admit ful l
cost international students, but since it was just an information document, I would assume that Senate will see the rea l
proposal at the May or even the April meeting, with lots o f
probably heated debate . We had some progress reports o n
the Liu center, and St . John's college .
And finally we went in camera for the Tributes committee
report on who gets, uh, tributes from the University ; you wil l
find out who later, probably at convocation .
Well, that is it from me! I'm outta here! Gone! Leaving !
Getting the boot! Taking early termination! See ya 'round .
And to Kevin Douglas, my successor, hope you like paper .
S
Social Diseases
John Hallett
ell, here it is : the last Social Diseases of 1993-94 . I
would like, at this time, to deny any and al l
rumours pertaining to my attire at The Penultimate
Class Bash . These rumours are vicous and unfounded . At n o
time did I don a wig and tight evening dress, and accep t
bribes to disrobe from the rather unruly engineers who kep t
staring at me from the corner . It simply did not happen .
In fact, while it wasn't happening, I was entirely engrosse d
in distributing the FREE bzzr to the massive throngs of people who had gathered for this momentous event .
If you weren't there, you missed what can only b e
described as the best bzzr garden to ever occur on this cam pus (at least in my mind) . And you can drown yourself i n
sorrow at the thought that the next SUS drinking fest won' t
be until I return from my vacation in Barbados this summer .
(Fake that, you underprivileged summer working people ,
you) .
W
M
Lotsa paper .
Circvs Scientificv s
Delwin Yung
ooks like Science is going to win the UBC Intramura l
Championship for the fourth year in a row . As of
March 9th, 1994, the Science men are in first with 989 1
points. The Engineers are in second with 6098 . Science
women have 5174 points while in second place Vanier ha s
3424 .
This year we have had a record number of teams and individuals participating in Intramurals . Not only did Scienc e
have the most participation of all faculties on campus, bu t
we also did well competitively . Here are some of significan t
results to-date :
• In Day of the Longboat, the Jaundiced Llamas places 1st
in Corec, the Yowkalhumps placed 2nd in the women' s
division and the Total Hydraulic Heads placed third .
• In soccer, the NADS placed 2nd in Men's Tier I .
• In basketball the Tazmanian Sin made a drastic improvement during the regular season to place 2nd in Women' s
Tier II .
• We had champions in both Men's Tier II (Geology) an d
Men's Tier I (Mighty Pucks) ball hockey .
• In volleyball, the Microbiology Equalizers came out o n
top in Corec Tier I .
• Most team sport play-offs have yet to be concluded fo r
term II but we do have a champion for Women Tier III ,
Wheeze Uck.
Individual recognition goes to David Helliwell for hi s
involvement in the cycling events . He also made remarkable
achievement, placing 3rd overall in the Triathlon . Jamieson
Chan-Clark also had a strong showing in the Triathlon, placing 15th overall . Special recognition also goes to Coli n
Duong for his involvement in volleyball and Rhea Santos i n
both volleyball and field hockey.
Some of these individuals and teams will be honored an d
awarded prizes at the annual Science Sports Banquet on
March 30th, 1994 . Sport letters, awarded based on participation and results, will be also given that evening.
All Sport rebates are ready to be picked up at the AM S
Business office in the SUB .
L
Mom IX: The Howling
Clas's~Act
The Class of
'94 raised
$23,915
(exceeding
our
projection of
$ 15 600 .
The money
will be used
to fund a
continuing
bursary for
Science
students in
the amoun t
of $1 000.
Congrats!
Clasct
Lynn's Lace
Gerald Straighta e
Dweeb on the Scene
11. 1
er fury was terrible
to behold ! Indeed . . .
woul d rather pass
ten thousand screechin g
Rutterkins o' Shigella
through my bowels than b e
on the receiving end of he r
beastly rage .
And I thanked God,
wholeheartedly--the grea t
Lord of Thermodynamics—
that I wasn't, but watchin g
instead as she lashed int o
that poor, poor fellow.
He was so pale, white, an d
sickly ; his thick black glasses
clung to the tip of his slender nose, and hi s bod y
shook as if a cold ice cube
slid slowly down his back .
A . pang of sympatheti c
regret shuddered through
my body as I contemplated
what I had inflicted on this
pale shadow of a student ,
and I wondered if anyone,
regardless of their previou s
actions, should ever go
through this abuse .
But I quickly had a change
of heart as I remembered
how he had stood over me ,
gloating, with that smal l
trace of slobber on his chin .
"WHAAT!" she roared
with demonic vehemence
through scorched, pulpy
vocal chords . It was not a
quesdon but an exclamation .
She slammed her right fist
down on the table, causing a
thunderous boom that
embraced the echoes of her
terrible voice, and with he r
left hand grasped the pal e
boy under his plaid collar.
"I said I'm sorry, I' m
sorry!" he piped out anyway, squeaking almost, his
lips absurdly contorted. " I
won't do it again . . .EVER . . .
that's it! Please, just don't
kill me! "
"YOU . . .YOU . . .YOU . . .
WORM!" she bellowed, th e
sound shaking the pale boy
in her hands as well as th e
chalkboard behind him .
TT is worried me, so I
checked the hallway beyon d
the door on my right to see
if anyone had heard . Th e
hallway, however, was stil l
deserted and I figured tha t
most : people had gone
home . Only the truly dedicated remained in the mat h
building after six on a Frida y
night .
I returned my gaze to the
scene before me . She now
had the pale boy up against
the blackboard, two feet off
the ground .
"No, no, no," he cried
quivering, all fou r
appendages flopping wildl y
and weakly . She took her
hands away, but h e
remained suspended o n
some sort of chalkboard protrusion .
"I promise, I promise . I
won't ever do it again . I' m
as good as done," he blubbered from his position o n
the blackboard .
"I promise," he added
dejectedly.
She stood there shakin g
with rage, the muscles on
her neck and back bulgin g
in that math room light .
Veins pulsed, and I imagined her shirt was ready t o
tear from the strain . But
slowly, very slowly, she
calmed down while the pal e
boy bawled from his elevated position, holding his
glasses with shaking hands .
After five or so minute s
she was calm, turning fro m
purple, to red, to pink, an d
then white, pleasant and
smiling (apologies to th e
immortal William Blake) .
"Did I hear you say never
again?" she finally asked .
"Yes, I promise," he
squeaked, "I promise, I
promise, I promise! "
"That's nice," she smiled ,
as if talking to someone a t
church about roses, "I like
when people keep promises. . . You really promis e
now? "
"Yes, I do . You must
believe me, I didn't purposely try to humiliate your so n
by getting the highest mar k
on that math test . I promis e
I'll never get a higher mark
than him for as long as I
live . "
"Aw, that's sweet," sh e
said, and turned away from
that pale broken shadow of
a student . And then to me,
"Okay, ready to go? "
"Yes, Mom," I answered as
I took her elbow, and escorted her down the hall . She
was so short I had to ben d
over to make her comfort able .
"Thanks again, Mom," I
said as we walked . "That
really feels better. You sur e
know how to cheer me u p
when I get a low mark on a
test . "
"You're very welcome
dear. Let's go home and I'l l
make you a nice cup of hot
cocoa. "
Lynn van Rhijn
he end of the school
year is once agai n
upon us and it's tim e
to reflect on the past eigh t
months . If you are like me ,
you had grandious plans t o
get the readings done for al l
your classes the nigh t
before, the homework don e
at least a week in advanc e
and all your lab reports
handed in on time .
At least there's next year .
U
On to the wild world of
finance . I am preparing a
budget for the 94/95 fisca l
year which will begins Apri l
1st . This is where I get to say
what I think I will be spending next year and then I get
to compare the figures later
and see how far out in left
field I was .
I am also fulfilling a n
audit requirement from Pea t
Marwick, compliments of
the AMS . It's no big deal .
The AMS states they owe u s
money, I confirm the
amount, sign my Johann a
Henrietta on the dotted line
and that's it. Who says
finance isn't easy ?
Now that summer jobs ar e
descending on us, I will b e
working in one of Canada' s
top financial institutions fo r
the next four months, cashing cheques on Welfare
Wednesday, helping ol d
people with their rent on
Social Security Thursday an d
laughing mercilessly a t
those who don't qualify for
loans . Should be a blast ,
don'tcha think?
It"s been an interesting
two years . . . twenty fou r
issues ago, I wrested control
of this rag from the Dar k
Editor . Now, in the hom e
stretch of my twenty-fift h
and final one, my own successor Blair is eagerly waiting for the old fogey to "pu t
himself out to pasture" s o
he can have as much fun
with his 432 as I did wit h
mine .
I'd like to extend my eternal gratitude to Blai r
McDonald, Graeme
Kennedy, Roger Watts an d
Leona Adams for many a
stupid conversation in th e
dark of night while everyone
else was tucked away cramming. Unlike last year, when
it was pretty well just Roge r
and myself hangin' about ,
these people have made th e
herculean task of producin g
The 432 a lot more fun and
a lot : less lonely . Thanks,
guys . As well, thanks go t o
Derek Miller for being the
T
Editorial
,hough I thought I' d
have trouble giving
. this paper up, I'd
never realized the relief I' d
feel when the end came int o
sight .
most dependable columnist
I've ever seen ; Derek ha s
missed exactly two issues i n
the entire eighty-some od d
432s that exist.
Gel: a life, Derek .
What's in store for The
432 next year ?
Some sporadic postings of
articles to Usenet met with
such enthusiastic response
that
like to see the news paper : extend beyond the
boundaries of UBC into the
fun-filled (and relatively
inexpensive) world of th e
Internet . It seems only
appropriate that SUS shoul d
extend into this domain .
Some may recall that I proposed using a system known
as gopher for distributin g
the paper . Since then, however, I have been experimenting with a differen t
system known as world-wide
web, which would allow the
delivery of cartoons and
hypertext browsing (There' s
an article about it in this
month's Campus
Computing) . One of my fellow computer science nerd s
is interested in taking on the
project, so expect to be abl e
to gel: The 432 anywhere in
the world by September .
Blair, though he probabl y
hasn't realized it yet, woul d
love your help next year.
The editor faces a difficult
role in that he must plead
for submissions, yet reject
many of the ones that are
made in the interests o f
quality . It's very hard to tel l
people that they didn't
make the cut ; harder still i s
to realize that you have
probably just eliminate d
another potential columnis t
because many people neve r
recover from the first rejection .
Keep trying . To give you
some indication, my firs t
three articles back in first
year never saw print . So, if
you're ever bored this summer, why not practice writing or drawing? Both ar e
learnable skills—more so, in
fact, than most of wha t
you've learned here thus far .
Blair is also no doubt
scared shitless of the idea of
being fully responsible for
this thing on a biweekl y
basis right now (I was) . S o
now would be a good time
to come up behind him an d
make loud noises, or try t o
convince him his soul (o r
transcript) is in danger if h e
takes this job . He knows h e
can't back out, so you ca n
have all the fun you want
torturing him .
Well, it's time for me to
blow this popsicle stand .
I've had a lot of fun, and I
hope I've brought some to
you over the last coupl e
years.
I'm gonna miss being th e
king . . .
7
A Real Art of Work.
"What can the State do for
me? "
.
here once was a fell a
named Watts,
T
Who liked to write article s
lots .
But did he get pay
For these efforts? No way !
Just pizza from various
spots .
.
Now Rog, not being a fool ,
Knows that he must pay fo r
school .
It's fun to be funny,
But needing some money,
He longs for a job just a s
cool .
.
With summer just six weeks
away,
Roger says, "Let's join th e
fray
Of that yearly enjoymen t
Called summer employment !
Now. . . where the hell's that
resume? "
.
But Roger did have to confess
That a job hunt might be
some stress ,
Since last year, the sa p
Had one land in his lap,
Thanks to the ol' AMS .
.
But Rog wasn't scared of a
fight;
He reckoned that he'd do all
right .
And that's 'cause he knew
That if all else fell through ,
McDonald's was always in
sight .
And so, with want ads from
the Sun,
The hunt had offici'lly
begun .
But mopping out stalls
Of local beer halls
Was not his idea of fun .
The rest of the ads were
quite bleak,
Thought Rog, as he took a
quick peek .
Half of the page
Was for minimum wage ,
The rest for work i n
Mozambique .
The next step in his strategy
Was to visit the ol' CEC .
No offense, JFK,
But one must sometime s
say,
But things down at
EmploymentCan
Appeared that they weren't
gonna pan .
His chance seemed to him
To be 'bout as slim
As finding a Rolls in Eas t
Van .
But Rog, still undaunted, did
forge
His path through the
Joblessness Gorge,
Pushed on by the though t
Of happily no t
Planting trees way the hell
in Prince George .
.
He definitely thought that
the a d
For Canada Customs no t
bad .
(But let's skip the tact;
The truth was, in fact,
'Twas the only good lead
that he had . )
So he put down his nam e
right away,
And got a call later that day :
"Please write a short tes t
To prove you're the best . . .
Is most of next weeken d
OK?"
So Roger went happily
down,
But saw something makin g
him frown :
He'd earned a sea t
To come and compete ,
But so had, it seemed, the
whole town .
.
The test was no minor affair ,
And rests between sections
were rare .
When all was complete ,
our hero was beat,
but sporting some brandnew grey hair .
.
But it went well enough,
says the lore,
To get that one foot in the
door :
"Rog, we want you
For a brief interview;
Can you spare us a fe w
hours more? "
.
And to it our Roger di d
head,
With 200 others, it's said .
And with twenty spots free ,
It's quite plain to see
It's easier to get into Med .
At this point, Rog can jus t
wait ;
Ottawa now holds his fate .
Graeme's Knickers
continued from page 5
is no longer clean . I mean ,
imminent compression an d
the prospect of a gruelling
bone-grinding death is
enough to soil the Speedos
of even the most immaculate son .
And my "No, no, no" boxers which glow the word s
"yes, yes, yes" in the dark
had no sticker at all . Thin k
about this : the only under wear which actually ha s
radioactive material in th e
dyes (which are conveniently located as close to gamet e
cells as you can get) is th e
one which goes untested by
Inspector 12 . But I'm onl y
thinking of myself. How, I
must wonder, does the
underwear feel about ou r
'relationship'? The followin g
is my way of paying respec t
to the generations of boxer s
and briefs that have served
me over my lifetime .
Ode To My Undies
I have lots of underwear:
Next issue : Tuesday, September 6, 1994
8
they're different, every one .
Some are just too boring, others just for fun .
But they don't get witnessed by
just anyone,
And if they are quick
To decide on their pick,
He'll know by 1998 .
But of course, this is not do or-die ;
There are other options to
try,
Like that famous phone call
That eases it all :
"Thanks for the job, Dad !
G'bye! "
.
A few other leads do exist ,
And surely there's some tha t
he's missed .
(But please, be a sweetie,
Don't mention Tahiti . . .
If Rog learns he missed that ,
he'll be pissed.)
And so, with Rog well on hi s
way
To making an honest day' s
pay ,
The time is just right
To bid you good night ,
Which leaves just one mor e
thing to say. . .
.
There's a fortune you al l
should remember
In being a UBC member.
It's been a cool year,
Thanks for reading us here ,
Hope to see you i n
September .
'Cause I don't remove them
until/ the day is done.
Flannel's warm and cozy, bu t
a bugger when it's hot .
Like all men I wear them unti l
they start to rot.
To clean them I must catch
them: they flee at quite a trot .
When I finally catch them, a
battle's always fought .
Some have only three holes,
and some of them have four
This has to do with plumbing:
I can't say anymore .
And my pink long woollie s
have a rear-end trap door.
These ones make my thighs
itch, so I don't wear them anymore .
Some have bad elastics; I'm
quite afraid they'll fall .
Some go up to my navel, bu t
most aren't quite that tall .
Some will lift and separate, s o
my little friends won't fall.
And when Igo to Wreck Beac h
I won't wear them at all .
The leather ones just squeak
and squeak
Those silken ones are worth a
peek.
I'll wear what I want 'till I'm
old and weak .
Then I'll get some Depends to
stop the leak .
Betcha didn't know this paper could be folded up into a really pretty hat!
Volume 4, Issue 3
2 APRIL 1994
STUDENT FINDS WORK I N
FELDUYJ
"
By
Washington Irving :
Benjami n
Fufkin, BA i n
Medieval Hagaelian
Agrarian Philosophy,
has astonished th e
academic community
by acquirin g
employment in hi s
{eld.
T h
e
appointment of Mr.
Fufkin to a leading
position in the fiel d
of
Hagaelia n
Agrarian Philosophy
represents
a
milestone in the
development of thi s
relatively exclusive
area of study, an d
reflects the worldclass advancement s
being made in the
discipline by th e
UBC department .
"Um, actually, I just
applied to the
position as a joke ,
thinking that a total
lack of experience in
the field woul d
disqualify me . As i t
turns out, my pro f
died suddenly b y
accidentally fallin g
onto a hatchet six o r
seven times ,
dropping into a va t
of wet cement, an d
then sliding int o
Burrard Inlet . I t
seems that I'm th e
only person on earth
who has th e
background, now.
What a coincidence .
Lucky me . 'I
Damn, now I have no excuse . I have to start making loan payments ."
As Fufkin was to have worked out beating them off with
the only student i n okay so far,"explains a stick. Well, when he
the department, Fufkin from hi s was awake, anyway.
opportunities fo r Tokyo penthouse.
Same with Thatcher,
'
I
knew
that
i
f
although I'm not sur e
enrolment are now
more wide open than I focused on m y she was actuall y
ever, and th e interest and talent, conscious . G o
p u b l i c i t y that someday I figure ." Fufkin went
surrounding Fufkin s would find work i n on for severa l
recent appointmen t that special nich e minutes explainin g
is bound to generate that only I can fill. I the relationshi p
interest . " Already, recommend that al l between his field o f
I 've had one History students persue thei r study and the length
major come up an d intellectual interests of elk tongues, whic h
ask me exactly what with as muc h was completely los t
it is I do, " sai d dedication . Show no on this reporter, an d
Fufkin. " I sure hope flexibility. Sure, there by his ow n
this represents the will be periods o f admission prett y
takeoff point for the unemployment, but much all life on earth
Department - as i t buck up! Before yo u outside himself.
stands now, I spend know it, you 'll hav e
Luck y
most of my lecture your perfect job .' bastard,'' was th e
time talking to th e Fufkin will be 59 i n typical commen t
wall . Its a goo d June.
found when we tried
listener and all, bu t
' And, hey, the to track down
live students, in m y lecture circuit make s Fufkin's old schoo l
experience, have you an instant se x contemporaries . Th e
usually been more idol! Why, whe n rest responded with
challenging to debate Reagan was here h e " Who? " .
with .
practically
" How
was
he
Fufkin' s
position is onl y
recently of interest. It
seems the Japanese,
always suckers fo r
fashion and trends ,
have developed a
thirst for Medieva l
Hagaelian Agraria n
Philosophy and th e
demand for touring
graduates is huge.
"Guess I ' l l
ride this gravy trai n
till it peters out, the n
retire, maybe teach . I
think I'll put about as
much planning into
this as I did m y
actual degree . Seems
The Black Plauge
managed that, I 1 1 1
never know . I' m
stuck with this CE O
thing," bemoan s
Robert Barron, head
of Ed E . Zing and
Kitchenzink Rea l
Estate Holdings, a
multibillion dolla r
real estate brokerin g
firm . ' I dream o f
being able to use my
BA in Gothic Frenc h
Bastille Buttres s
Design someday in a
way that can brin g
me the rewards I
seek. "
In relate d
news, geologist s
have determined tha t
the planet's cor e
temperature is, i n
fact, subzero, and a
flock of hampton s
was observed b y
radar, and is believed
to be migratin g
Northwards fo r
Spring.
1
S
Z
Dear Black Plague ,
The university environment has always bee n
held as, among other things, a sacred arena o f
incorruptible free speech, progressive thinking an d
constructive debate . An important medium for thes e
intellectual exchanges is the student journalisti c
community, the mainstay of which at UBC ha s
historically been the Ubyssey . A winner of th e
prestigious Southam Award and once the third-larges t
newspaper in B .C ., the 74-year-old Alma Mate r
Society publication has had an often glorious and
reputable past, due in large part to its comprehensiv e
chronicling of the university experience . There is no
doubt that it has played an important role in UBC' s
social environment as a reliable information source ,
intellectual sounding board and sociopolitica l
watchdog.
Recently, however, the Ubyssey has com e
under considerable criticism from many parties fo r
the work it has been turning out . This criticism has
taken many different forms, ranging from the weekl y
host of complaints appearing in its Letters section t o
the pullout of major advertising accounts (mos t
recently the UBC Bookstore) to the emergence o f
alternate reading sources, such as the independen t
Campus Times . Indeed, the publisher was even
pushed to the point of suspending the Ubyssey s
publication ; last spring, citing a lack of editoria l
accountability in the wake of several controversia l
articles, the AMS put the paper on hiatus whil e
revising the mechanisms through which the Ubysse y
editorship is held responsible for its actions to the
student body.
But upon what is all this criticism based? Mos t
of the talk around campus coffee outlets tends to ech o
a general feeling, however well or poorly articulated,
that the Ubyssey is lacking relevance in the lives o f
the students of this university. The regard in which
the paper was once held that is, as a centrepiece an d
valued resource of the student community seems t o
have changed to one of a narrowly-focused and badl y
tainted fringe publication, suffering from acut e
political correctness and a failure to address th e
interests or needs of the [That's already 38 articles . Too
bad - Ed .]
By now you'v e
likely noticed that this i s
not, in fact, a production o f
the Arts Undergraduat e
Society. We don t kno w
who produced it . In fact, I
doubt that you could prov e
that this paper was eve r
produced . After all, yo u
may not really exist but I
digress.
This particula r
publication features n o
juvenile, poorly reasone d
dogma regarding Arts '
self-declared supremac y
designed to whip Art s
students into a patrioti c
froth .. We ve dispense d
with such literary devices
as gratuitous profanity an d
half-baked, indignan t
"flamings" .
We the
littl e
inkpot gremlins tha t
produced this vision of
what Arts students coul d
have, instead of settling for
COR P
By Gord van McOlundsk y
10) Bring back those famous plates o
Tortellini goo, and sack the Ubysse y
9)
Free beer to all AMS Exec, past, prese n
and future, and toast the Ubysse y
8)
Subsidize childcare on campus b :
skreerewing the budget of the Ubysse y
7) Establish a smoking-only zone in SU B
and burn one or two Ubyssey editors in effig :
there .
6)
Grow hemp in SUB 241K . . .what? Urn
Kevin Phillips Bong ,
Arthur Dent Centre . for
Goofist and Absurdist Studie s
Kooking Korner
Recipe for disaster, aka AMS Counci l
1
1
1
Cost per.1 serving : we'll let you sometime next year.
Serves : 38,000 .
okay, let's expand to 31 flavours, then !
5)
Bring back Kurt! Dump the Ubyssey !
1
4
3 doz.
one case
at least one bad on e
to taste
Directions :
Begin with the president . It's okay to use the one from previous councils,
providing he hasn't pulled out too much hair, and the lips still retain their
full ripe colour. Next, add the executive . Note: external affair coordinators
are out of season in summer, and often hard to find . Remaining ingredients
must be combined, and agitated . Place in pressure cooker . There's no
need to add heat : councils are inherently combustible . Forget eating a t
home, and just go down to Joe Fortes and have a good time on th e
students
Enjoy !
Top ten submissions t o
Just Desserts
Ingredients :
president
1 executives
1 hacks
sour grapes
eggs
1 publications
the monthly tripe tha t
they ve got feel n o
particular desire to sink t o
the level of that bastion of
literature
an d
entertainment , to quote
its editor, Jeffrey Haas .
Instead, we extend a
challenge to future editors
within that northerl y
faculty to find themselves
some capable writers for a
change, and take a
remedial English course or
two . If you must, decide
the contest by actuall y
being superior,_ rather than
simply affecting a swagger.
The
acid-tri p
samizdat layout wa s
preserved to demonstrate
that a dearth of design skill .
need not be
an
impediment, give n
sufficiently intelligen t
content.
1
I
1
1
4) Hire some Pit bouncers who aren '
always in a steroid-induced rage . Oh, yea h
trash the Ubyssey, too .
3)
Build that cool AMS SafeCatapult thing ,
I saw in a paper a few months ago ; calibrat e
by firing large boulders into 241K .
2)
Cheaper beer everywhere ; "mak (
breakfast" for the Ubyssey .
1)
Rehire Fotheringham .
ARTENSTEI N
UI~ . . .'
Frankenstein, sans Science as it was meant to b e
89 MARY
SHELLEY
The
Blac k
Plague, in a recen t
trip to England, cam e
across the origina l
manuscript o f
Frankenstein, and, t o
our delight, w e
discovered that th e
story that has become
famous around th e
world was a n
amazing forgery! Th e
original contained
none of 100-som e
pages of scientifi c
content that was later
added, some suspect,
by . physicist an d
science geek Ma x
Planck . Withou t
further ado, w e
present
Mary
Shelley s original:
The stor y
begins with ou r
hero, Art . Seems Art
had a dream o f
creating life . O f
course, without any
reference to th e
scientific method ,
he was jus t
throwing things
together . Mor e
specifically, he was
throwing bod y
parts togethe r
because nobod y
had got, around to
inventing needle s
and thread, whic h
would probabl y
been more effectiv e
than the curren t
plan of smashin g
limbs and torso s
together in th e
hopes that the y
would just sort o f
stick.
Next cam e
the tremendou s
waiting. Unable t o
generate' electicity
on his own, Ar t
spends a lot of tim e
hanging out i n
electric storms ,
banging
mea t
together,
an d
waiting fo r
lightning strikes .
Naturally, Art has
not use d
observation skills ,
and the fact tha t
lighning is more
likely to hit him
standing there alone
Virtual Realt y
The Ackblay Agueplay
on the savanna h
than the pile o f
steaks he ha s
scattered abou t
seems to elude him .
At least until h e
woke up with his
fingernails s o
intensely heate d
that they ha d
caramelized . Bu t
the piles of mea t
were gone .
Artenstein th e
meatmonster wa s
born, and he wa s
well done .
Artenstei n
demanded that Art
create a bride fo r
him. Being not very
inclined to problemsolving, Art meekly
began to do the
bidding of thi s
walking carrion ,
and bega n
immediatly t o
assemble som e
sticks and rocks .
These being th e
only
building
materials available
to the nonscientifically oriented culture of
the day. Naturally,
he was trying t o
repeat his earlie r
experiment, but wa s
failing miserabl y
because twent y
thousand volts jus t
seemed to have had
an effect on hi s
thinking. Althoug h
there were rumours
that he simply liked
to bang sticks an d
rocks together in .a
creative, artisti c
way. Nevertheless ,
it would have been
helpful to hav e
followed a practise
of notetaking ,
which is sort o f
moot since 'nobod y
has bothered t o
invent tools fo r
recording . O r
writing, or eve n
language for tha t
matter.
T
h
e
meatmonste r
managed t o
convince Art that
stones weren t
going to work, and
he finally refused to
gather more gut s
and stuff for th e
monster, on account
of the smell. Truth
be told, he jus t
wasn t lookin g
foreward to another
bout with - a
thunderbolt .
Nevertheless, the `
animated side o f
beef began chasin g
Art about th e
savannah. ,
eventuall y
following him to his
death in Olduva i
Gorge. The remain s
of some ancien t
meaty dolt ar e
currently on tour,
thanks to a gran t
from
Canad a
Council.
But is it Art ?
Ti-I.E EW
EDITOR DUD E
MALCOLM J.
DEPRESSEDCLPBOARD -
CHEESECAKE
LACKEY
GORD VAN
M cOLUNDSK Y
COLUMNIST S
KEVIN PHILLIPS BONG
WASHINGTON IRVING
THANKS TO :
THE GIRL GUIDES
THE NUMBER e
MAMA ROZARI O
02
U2
H2 O
PRINTER
COLLEGE PRINTER S
CIRCULATION
MORE THAN I CARE
TO COUNT
THE BLAC K
PLAGUE IS THE
OFFICIAL
NEWSPAPER OF
THOSE WHO FEEL
MILDLY SLIGHTE D
BY THE LITERAR Y
CLAPTRAP
PUBLISHED BY TH E
AUS, AND BY SOME
STRANG E
COINCIDENCE,
THAT OF PEOPLE
WHO'VE HIT THEIR
THUMBS WIT H
THEIR CRAFTSMEN
HAMMERS.
The Black Plague is not
published by the Arts
Undergraduate Society
(can ya believe it?), 186 6
Main Mall, Buchanan
A107, Vancouver, B . 0
V6T 1Z1, Canada .
The views expressed in I}iis
publication are not merely th e
views of the publisher or of the
editors. They are your views.
Maybe not right now, but you' ll
come around.
This issue made
possible by a very larg e
grant from MacMiIlian
Blodel in exchange for
us sabotaging the loca l
Greenpeace offices and
stuffing Paul Watso n
into a tiny gunnysack .
Hi;,Mom
Thanks . Very much .
Thanks . Thank you .
Thanx . For everything :
And thanks again .
Thanks .
Again .
THE NEW ADVENTURES O F
ARTS MAN ANDS ]FROSH
BO Y
BY KE'VAN DETTLEBACH
Frosh Boy: . Holy
rejection, Arts Man,
we've been turne d
down at every place
we've applied .
Arts Man :
Yes,
Frosh Boy, one might
think that the business
community is not able
to see the true value of
a degree in the History
of Medieval Basket
Weaving . But fear not,
there is one avenue of
employment still open
to us. .. .
ManagerMan : I'm
sorry, but McDonald' s
policy is to only hire
English an d
Philosophy Majors .
Holy
Frosh Boy:
hitting bottom, Arts
Man! What now ?
Arts Man:
I onl y
wish I've taken more
of those courses . . ., yo u
know, ones with numbers and stuff .
Frosh Boy: Holy
shit, Arts Man, you
can't mean . science
courses ?
Arts Man: Hmmm ,
you say something ?
Now how does all tha t
lint get in there, anyway?
Frosh Boy: Holy
brainstorm, Arts Man !
I've got an idea! We
can write about all our
adventures and fin d
someone to publish
them!
No, that
Arts Man:
wouldn't work. Wait,
what if we write abou t
our adventures and
find someone to publish them? Oww, tha t
hurt!
Frosh Boy: Holy
thanks for stealing my
idea, Arts Man, but
where can we fin d
someone who will publish our adventures?
the top. We will take
our stories to that
newspaper with all the
numbers in the title .
The 123 or some thing...
EditorMan : I'm
sorry, but your story
does not meet our standards. It just isn't that
funny. I mean, cafeteria and food service s
jokes are just about as
stale as those cinnamon buns . (Irony alert)
Hold on just a sec ...
Right, and then he say s
"But I don't even ow n
a gerbil." . ..Sorry `bou t
that. Look, it doesn' t
even have to be that
funny. We 've been
publishing this lam e
Star Wars rip-off story ,
and you don't have 1:o
try too hard to beat
that. Oh, and if yo u
want some advice, los e
Frosh Boy. He's just
extra baggage and really annoying .
I always Frosh Boy : Holy
Arts Man :
believe in starting at
justifiable homicide .
Arts Man. What do we
do now?
Arts Man: As I've
always said, you hav e
to start at the bottom .
To SUB 241K...
UbysseyMan : Well,
we usually don't prin t
stuff like this, but with
a few changes here an d
there... I've got it !
Frosh Boy will wai t
until Arts Man falls
asleep and then sneak
into the room with a
knife and... :Elmm, I
suppose you'll have to
change the title to th e
Adventures of Eunuc h
Man and Frosh Boy.
Frosh Boy: Holy
Bobbit, Arts Man! Thi s
will never do.
Arts Man :
I was
afraid it would come to
this . When you've hit
bottom, the only plac e
to go is straight dow n
into the primordia l
muck .
Frosh Boy: Holy
lowering even exceptionally lax standards ,
Arts Man! Not the. ..
UndergroundMan :
This is great! I just
can't get enough of
these food service s
jokes.
DecayedLeftoverMan ,
MysteryMeatMan, it's
all great .
Arts Man:
Well,
Frosh Boy, I suppose
we better start on ou t
first edition. It'll be
about how I became
Arts Man. You know,
when I eat that
radioactive bee f
stroganoff?
Frosh Boy: Holy
contradiction, Art s
Man! I thought you
became Arts Ma n
when you flunked ou t
of Science ?
Arts Man:
Shut up
and start writing .
(plus grumblings and other general complaints )
a bear hits a bea r
the shells look the tubs with bear
my tubs hit my bear
the man needs the shell
man looks van with the big ca n
a shell hits a va n
ueo s opl l~q g
sano12 iq alp gllm Iuq s:ppl fo p
top aul li ps sqo[ ai.11
men look shirts with ' ::,hell s
a bear hits a bear with tub s
the shells look the tubs
a car kicks a do g
the jobs kill the dog with ba t
dog kicks bat with . glove s
The Black Hand (if it exists)